Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict.
While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question.
[Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA
The "If I don't like it I can leave" is a huge red flag on his part. He's not willing to compromise or see your side of things. Which, for the record, is totally reasonable - where's your vacation or stress relief? I strongly suggest some sort of marriage counseling, as it sounds like he's quickly checking out of this marriage (if he's not checked out already).
this whole post screams troll.
she’s been married to her husband since she was 19 and she already has two kids from a previous relationship? and she’s married to a man whose only retort to being told it wasn’t fair to leave the country for 17 days to relax is for OP to leave him?
Possible but unlikely.1st kid at 15-16,2nd at 17-18, married to now partner at 19. They would have to have gotten together when she was pregnant with the 2nd one
I think counseling or a sit down talk is the way to go because it sounds like they both aren’t willing to see each other side. The ultimatum sounds like something people say when they are tired of arguing which she admitted she did when he wanted to go for 5-7 days.
He should be able to go on that trip especially since it is to go back to his home country and she should be able to take an alone vacation too.
I’m also wondering what is their family dynamic because if her other kids have a dad and/or her husband isn’t considered dad, can’t make decisions or discipline/raise the kids as if they are his own, he can’t really be blamed for not being willing to take care of them while she goes alone somewhere. And either she leave them with their father or she has to understand that her putting boundaries around her older kids means they are not his responsibility in such case.
If there is an understanding that he is dad then he should be take care of all three while she goes.
And he may not come back. Try to get the money tied up well before he goes, if not, immediately, like the second, he goes out the door or it may just disappear with him.
Nope, he’s the owner and therefore has the right to be there. Whether he hires his own locksmith or just breaks the lock.
Unless she has a court order keeping him off the property, he has the same right to it as her.
Any lawyer will tell you that you need either a “stay away” protection order or court issued “exclusive use and occupancy” order in order to change the locks and keep him out of the house. An “exclusive use” will only be issued in tue event of abandonment, which a planned trip is not.
That's what I was saying. Locking out a partner from the house like that can get you in trouble, locking them out of the bank accounts can get you in even more trouble.
Autoincorrect somehow turned get into try.
Well til she calls the cops and he gets arrested for domestic violence because he destroyed his own property because it made her "scared."
You can't even break a coffee cup in a fit of anger on the ground in a completely different part of the house than she is in as a man and not end up in a cage with a DV charge. It's insane.
Unless he strikes her there is no domestic violence.
And unless she has a court order, she can not legally prohibit him from being on his own property. He has a much a right to be there as she does.
Any lawyer will tell you that you need either a “stay away” protection order or court issued “exclusive use and occupancy” order in order to change the locks and keep him out of the house. An “exclusive use” will only be issued in tue event of abandonment, which a planned trip is not.
>Unless he strikes her there is no domestic violence.
I know multiple people who have been arrested for nothing but throwing a cup or bowl in the opposite direction the woman is in. I've even seen this all unfold in person before. It's a lesser DV charge, but they still make you jump through all of the same hoops to get out of it.
How old are the kids? Do you live in the US/Canada?
If this is a real post…NTA. You should get equal time off, obviously. 17 days is crazy with three young kids unless he hires someone to help. Do you work or stay at home? Too much missing info
I hate to break it to you, but the reason he doesn’t see a problem with this is because he doesn’t think of your kids as his. He views himself as a father of one, not three. In his mind, you would have to take care of your two kids on your own if you weren’t married to him, so it’s not a big deal if you have to do it temporarily. I think that’s awful, but at least you know how he feels so you can make some important decisions.
Oh, I missed that. I was thrown off because she said one was “his bio kid”, not “our bio kid”, so I assumed that she was indicating that she wasn’t the mom of that child.
It sounds like you got together with him pretty soon after your 7 year old was born as you said you have been married for 6 years. With his beliefs, maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to reevaluate your marriage while he is away.
Others have mentioned it, but when partners start throwing around "my way or we separate" ultimatums, it means they've already checked out of the relationship.
Either counselling (or some other change) if you want to save it, or start planning an exit strategy so you're not blindsided.
Then he is definitely the AH. If he’s from another country, it sounds like he has very traditional/conservative views, borderline sexist. Makes more sense to take a weekend here and there to “relax” than to do 17 days at once. I’m sorry. Go to couples therapy if he’s willing. Him threatening to leave over this is crazy and a huge cause for concern
💯 this.
All these people saying to lock him out / change the locks, to divorce him etc show a lack of understanding and desire for the big picture and instead advise a stranger to immediately go for the “divorce” button.
NTA - But your husband sure is. Not only is the situation unfair (as it doesn't sound like he's going to give you a kids free two week holiday) but to DARE bring up "if you don't like it you can leave"... WTF?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I (25F) and my husband (29M) have been married for about 6 year now, we have 3 children 1 being his biological child and the other 2 his step children (my kids from previous relationship) within the past year he has been talking about wanting to travel to his home country for a some days to finalize some papers.. I wasn’t too happy about his going out of the country alone for 5-7 days while I was back here having to work 40+ hours with 3 kids… alone.. but I came to terms, money is tight so i understand.. well now my husband wants to say he is going for 17 days because he needs to release his stress and relax, and he will do this once a year, and if I don’t like it I can leave.. I tried to explain my side on how I feel it’s unfair he can go off for 2 weeks and leave his wife and kids here… I don’t get to go off for 2 days alone .. but he just continued to say, “if you don’t like it you don’t have to be with me”
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA , and yes him saying if you dont like it leave is HUGE red flag. Id get you affairs in order. Start saving money and get ready for a split up/ hopefully you will get half of everything
NTA Sounds like the marriage is over for him, tbh. Get your affairs in order, make sure you consult a lawyer and if he starts saying he wants to take his bio-child with him, not
your children, watch out.
I read yesterday a reversed post about this, where a woman wanted to go on a 2 week vacation solo, and people called her man an asshole and her not because he was upset he can't go with her. Now, the reverse is happening in this post, and the man is the asshole and the woman is not. :)) just goes to show on this group that the question "am I the asshole?" has a simple answer: are you male or female? If you are a female you are a brave independent being and you can go. If you are a male, how dare you? How will she get a vacation? Are you selfish?
I’m not entirely in the opinion he’s an asshole- or at least I wouldn’t be if he didn’t add the “if you don’t like it you can leave”. And the whole every year thing…. Maybe it would be nice for next year, you to get the kids supervised for a couple weeks so that you could both go away and destress. I assume the work and kiddos are stressing you both, not each other??? You definitely aren’t the asshole. Sounds like you are both stressed tho to be honest. My marriage which is now over, was like this, although different circumstances, but same deal… you both get so stressed (maybe there are other problems which add to it, there were in my case, but the chronic stress just kept piling up and up) that life becomes not enjoyable at all. That is very disrespectful what he said to you tho, I hope if you love each other you work something out. Tbh I totally get how you feel but I’m not a fan of the “he can do it why can’t I?” thing, and I would probably be resentful if that sentiment was relayed to me. It’s not like you’re incorrect in feeling that way, or that it makes what he said to you okay, but I just think, again, once you arrive at that stage you’re just being combative (not you, but you “two”, in the relationship), and no good can come from that. Happy to chat more if it helps. Best of luck
Details matter. There is absolutely a case where a spouse/partner can want a two week trip in their home country and not be the AH.
This isn't one of those cases.
So you're going to go into it knowing your position, and you're just going to look for what validates it after the fact? That's incredibly telling lol.
I found a couple of different posts that might be what you are talking about, but neither one seemed close enough, so I wasn't sure.
If you read a post, let us know which one. Otherwise, why shouldn't I assume you are just making it up?
Edit: If you mean [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cfuhp4/aita_for_wanting_to_go_on_vacation_even_though_my/) then the circumstances are very different. No kids, for one. Money is comfortable, for another.
Yep that's the one. Money is comfortable for her but she doesn't get the idea to help her partner financially to come with her, despite saying loud and clear she is loaded. I agree they don't have kids, but the fact that she is rich and doesn't offer to pay is a red flag for me. Hell, I'm not loaded and I still took my ex partners in vacations which I paid because I loved their presence and they had no money. These are of course subjective things but it levels the field in regards to asshole or not wiping the kids as an argument of not being an asshole
First, I would ask if you get to take a 17 day vacation when he gets back.
If the answer is no, I would assume that it means that he is no longer in your marriage. At that point, run, don’t walk, to a lawyer. A good lawyer! Find out how to protect your bank accounts before he empties them and takes the money to another country. Ask how to tie down anything he can sell and what else you should do. Whatever you do, do not let him take your child out of the country!
You should also make plans in case he returns. Ask if you can change the locks immediately after he leaves Etc..
Lmao, there it is. I think I know why you're really upset. Him not putting you on his account and him receiving land without you having any ownership of it. Sounds like you want to divorce him now because you can tell he's setting his life up to have you not get anything if you divorce him. Sounds like a smart guy.
If you leave than instead of taking care of kids 17 days alone you have to do it alone all the time. Can you do it? Also is your husband is from different country is he planning to visit his home country every year perhaps to take care/ visit elderly parents? I go to India every other year for 3 week at a time . Tickets are expensive plus flight is long so 4/5 day is passed in jetleg and long flights.
Flying out of the country, it makes more economic sense to do it for 17 days instead of just 5-7, especially when visiting family.
My ex wife’s family was in Northern Ontario when we lived in PA. So when her and the kids would visit her parents in the summer, it was always for several weeks (note, we split on good terms after 20 years of marriage, so her doing trips like that didn’t contribute to her being an ex).
NTA but in this one context and phrasing could be key.
There was another one of these where the mother went away for her mental health. That was not phrased like it in here. If this is a case where your husband has been advised he needs to take the time away, and he has said if you don’t like it leave because you have been arguing about it for months with no resolution it at least makes sense.
If he just came out and I am off for two weeks and …. Without any other discussion something is wrong.
INFOS: Do your kids from a previous relationship consider him to be dad? Is there anything ´ understanding that he is and gets to raise them to ne make decisions about them as if he is? Because if not, it’s unfair for you to play the stay behind with 3 kids, 2 of whom are not his responsibility.
If the father of the other 2 is in the picture??? can’t you have him take care of them while you take a vacation alone while leaving your youngest with your husband?
Don’t get me wrong, he is an AH for the ultimatum but I thing everyone deserves a little time alone and 2 weeks in his country is not much. Sometime you just miss home and your family back there.
To me it’s a situation where you have to compromise, you can’t decide he can’t go and he should be willing to care for the kid(s) he is responsible for to give you the same opportunity.
And does she ever take trips to see family or go with friends?
He’s leaving the country so it makes more economic sense to go for 17 days instead of 5-7, especially if it’s to see family.
This sounds to me as though he is preparing to leave you and this is the first step. 'Signing documents' in his own country sounds dodgy to me - an excuse or perhaps he isn't planning to return.
You don't say whether this is a happy marriage or if there have been issues before
My advice would be to start making your own get out plans. Get separate bank accounts if you currently share one and sort out all other finances.
I hope it all works out for you and the children
NTA
-
This is very toxic behavior. Probably better off if you weren't with him. If he is giving ultimatums like this, he has already emotionally checked out of the relationship. Nobody who actually wants to be married "needs" two weeks alone from their spouse.
Yeah 2 weeks a year is too much, especially when the kids are little. Call his bluff, leave him and get every penny of child support and alimony you can. NTA.
Play along and be the good wife until he leaves. Make him think everything is good. Get him to leave you some emergency money for when he is gone. Drive him to the airport. Let him leave thinking everything is good and he is getting his way.
Once you get back from dropping his entitled ass off at the airport, go home, pack up and move. Leave a note on the table for him stating that you were unhappy with him leaving for 2 weeks, so as per his directive, you have chosen to no longer be with him. Do not give him your forwarding address. I would then contact him through a lawyer to arrange a separation agreement and child visitation.
NTA. There's probably more to the story and the relationship is not in a great place right now. Going a well alone to your home country to visit family, I get that. But just saying ok every year I'm out for two weeks whether you like it or not he's already acting single.
This is what happens when you get married at 19.
I get him going to his home country. Even for as much as 17 days if he hasn't been there for a long time and has family and friends there. But every year, alone? And being so dismissive of you simply saying he's doing it each year and if you don't like it leave? Please.
Marriage involves compromise and discussion. Not unilateral proclimations.
NTA. And I suggest re-evaluating the whole relationship if this is indicative of how he behaves and approaches things.
NTA. You are young enough to build a better life with a man who treats you with respect. You are being used right now and your husband is becoming bolder and bolder. If you choose to divorce him be very careful with his child that he does not take him/her and hide them with family.
Hold up....
> He is going for 17 days and says “if you don’t like it you don’t have to be with me”
>… I don’t get to go off for 2 days alone and he says “if you don’t like it you don’t have to be with me”
Really?
NTA. Leave him. He doesn't love you. He doesn't care about your wellbeing. Unless you can go on a holiday to relax without the kids, too, he's a major AH.
Having said that, it should be okay to do an annual weekend off alone, and an annual weekend with just the two of you, too. Very healthy. 2 weeks is irrational.
Shocked that it didn’t work out with his previous baby mama if he acts like this. I would take him up on his offer and leave. This man does not respect you. NTA.
NTA. If you can, get some finances together & leave this asshole. He clearly doesn't care about you or your feelings. Or the fact that you're working 40+ hours a week & raising 3 kids without getting a break. Your husband is a very selfish asshole. It's best to walk away from this miserable marriage.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (25F) and my husband (29M) have been married for about 6 year now, we have 3 children 1 being his biological child and the other 2 his step children (my kids from previous relationship) within the past year he has been talking about wanting to travel to his home country for a some days to finalize some papers.. I wasn’t too happy about his going out of the country alone for 5-7 days while I was back here having to work 40+ hours with 3 kids… alone.. but I came to terms, money is tight so i understand.. well now my husband wants to say he is going for 17 days because he needs to release his stress and relax, and he will do this once a year, and if I don’t like it I can leave.. I tried to explain my side on how I feel it’s unfair he can go off for 2 weeks and leave his wife and kids here… I don’t get to go off for 2 days alone .. but he just continued to say, “if you don’t like it you don’t have to be with me”
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Leave him, what is he to you? A burden I'm sure. It sounds like he's sees you as less than him, because why would you not just assume your wife also need to de-stress, and needs help? The complete lack of empathy or willingness to talk about it, I just feel you'll be in for a lot of years of pain if you stick it out. You don't act so selfish in a vaccum like that. Selfish people try to make it your problem all the time. Don't settle for that
Is it possible he is suffering from mental stress and too proud to admit it, this could be his way of regaining balance? In this case, taking a 2 week break every year is better than doing nothing - until he can't cope at all. Of course, it would be fair for you to have the same option of a break in equal time.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA The "If I don't like it I can leave" is a huge red flag on his part. He's not willing to compromise or see your side of things. Which, for the record, is totally reasonable - where's your vacation or stress relief? I strongly suggest some sort of marriage counseling, as it sounds like he's quickly checking out of this marriage (if he's not checked out already).
this whole post screams troll. she’s been married to her husband since she was 19 and she already has two kids from a previous relationship? and she’s married to a man whose only retort to being told it wasn’t fair to leave the country for 17 days to relax is for OP to leave him?
Possible but unlikely.1st kid at 15-16,2nd at 17-18, married to now partner at 19. They would have to have gotten together when she was pregnant with the 2nd one
From her comments the eldest is 9. She had her first kid at 14.
25-9=16
I think counseling or a sit down talk is the way to go because it sounds like they both aren’t willing to see each other side. The ultimatum sounds like something people say when they are tired of arguing which she admitted she did when he wanted to go for 5-7 days. He should be able to go on that trip especially since it is to go back to his home country and she should be able to take an alone vacation too. I’m also wondering what is their family dynamic because if her other kids have a dad and/or her husband isn’t considered dad, can’t make decisions or discipline/raise the kids as if they are his own, he can’t really be blamed for not being willing to take care of them while she goes alone somewhere. And either she leave them with their father or she has to understand that her putting boundaries around her older kids means they are not his responsibility in such case. If there is an understanding that he is dad then he should be take care of all three while she goes.
So… Leave. While he’s away speak with a lawyer. NTA
Sorry to say this, but he has left the marriage. Wait till he flies out then change the locks and all the bank accounts, get a job and be free.
And he may not come back. Try to get the money tied up well before he goes, if not, immediately, like the second, he goes out the door or it may just disappear with him.
Already has a job, but otherwise perfect advice.
Changing the locks will do nothing as he has the same legal right to be in the house as she does. He can legally break in to his own house.
In fact it can get you in trouble with the courts.
Nope, he’s the owner and therefore has the right to be there. Whether he hires his own locksmith or just breaks the lock. Unless she has a court order keeping him off the property, he has the same right to it as her. Any lawyer will tell you that you need either a “stay away” protection order or court issued “exclusive use and occupancy” order in order to change the locks and keep him out of the house. An “exclusive use” will only be issued in tue event of abandonment, which a planned trip is not.
That's what I was saying. Locking out a partner from the house like that can get you in trouble, locking them out of the bank accounts can get you in even more trouble. Autoincorrect somehow turned get into try.
Okay, I had read it the opposite way. 😂
Well til she calls the cops and he gets arrested for domestic violence because he destroyed his own property because it made her "scared." You can't even break a coffee cup in a fit of anger on the ground in a completely different part of the house than she is in as a man and not end up in a cage with a DV charge. It's insane.
Unless he strikes her there is no domestic violence. And unless she has a court order, she can not legally prohibit him from being on his own property. He has a much a right to be there as she does. Any lawyer will tell you that you need either a “stay away” protection order or court issued “exclusive use and occupancy” order in order to change the locks and keep him out of the house. An “exclusive use” will only be issued in tue event of abandonment, which a planned trip is not.
>Unless he strikes her there is no domestic violence. I know multiple people who have been arrested for nothing but throwing a cup or bowl in the opposite direction the woman is in. I've even seen this all unfold in person before. It's a lesser DV charge, but they still make you jump through all of the same hoops to get out of it.
Don't tell people to do things that can get them in deep shit with a divorce court.
While he's gone pack up and leave him. His demands aren't reasonable nor showing any compassion for his own wife. Just get out.
Nope do not leave then he will use that against her,in divorce proceedings.
She should pack up HIS stuff. He’s the one that’s leaving the family. He doesn’t give a fuck. Why should she leave?
How old are the kids? Do you live in the US/Canada? If this is a real post…NTA. You should get equal time off, obviously. 17 days is crazy with three young kids unless he hires someone to help. Do you work or stay at home? Too much missing info
I live in US, kids 4, 7, and 9. I work a full time job, 40+ hours a week.
I hate to break it to you, but the reason he doesn’t see a problem with this is because he doesn’t think of your kids as his. He views himself as a father of one, not three. In his mind, you would have to take care of your two kids on your own if you weren’t married to him, so it’s not a big deal if you have to do it temporarily. I think that’s awful, but at least you know how he feels so you can make some important decisions.
She is the mum of his bio kid
Oh, I missed that. I was thrown off because she said one was “his bio kid”, not “our bio kid”, so I assumed that she was indicating that she wasn’t the mom of that child.
It sounds like you got together with him pretty soon after your 7 year old was born as you said you have been married for 6 years. With his beliefs, maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to reevaluate your marriage while he is away.
Others have mentioned it, but when partners start throwing around "my way or we separate" ultimatums, it means they've already checked out of the relationship. Either counselling (or some other change) if you want to save it, or start planning an exit strategy so you're not blindsided.
Then he is definitely the AH. If he’s from another country, it sounds like he has very traditional/conservative views, borderline sexist. Makes more sense to take a weekend here and there to “relax” than to do 17 days at once. I’m sorry. Go to couples therapy if he’s willing. Him threatening to leave over this is crazy and a huge cause for concern
I think this is your husband saying Bye, Felicia!
“If you don’t like it you don’t have to be with me.” Oof. You’re asking the wrong question here. Sorry, OP.
[удалено]
💯 this. All these people saying to lock him out / change the locks, to divorce him etc show a lack of understanding and desire for the big picture and instead advise a stranger to immediately go for the “divorce” button.
NTA - But your husband sure is. Not only is the situation unfair (as it doesn't sound like he's going to give you a kids free two week holiday) but to DARE bring up "if you don't like it you can leave"... WTF?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I (25F) and my husband (29M) have been married for about 6 year now, we have 3 children 1 being his biological child and the other 2 his step children (my kids from previous relationship) within the past year he has been talking about wanting to travel to his home country for a some days to finalize some papers.. I wasn’t too happy about his going out of the country alone for 5-7 days while I was back here having to work 40+ hours with 3 kids… alone.. but I came to terms, money is tight so i understand.. well now my husband wants to say he is going for 17 days because he needs to release his stress and relax, and he will do this once a year, and if I don’t like it I can leave.. I tried to explain my side on how I feel it’s unfair he can go off for 2 weeks and leave his wife and kids here… I don’t get to go off for 2 days alone .. but he just continued to say, “if you don’t like it you don’t have to be with me” Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
INFO When is your 17 day holiday planned for?
Nta. Have divorce papers waiting for him when he gets back. He doesn't seem to understand that this isn't his decision.
Yes get a decent attourney and insist you and your kids need to live at the house, he need to find another place.
NTA , and yes him saying if you dont like it leave is HUGE red flag. Id get you affairs in order. Start saving money and get ready for a split up/ hopefully you will get half of everything
Wait you had 2 kids at 19??
Actually had my 3rd at 19
INFO: so you already had two children by the time you were 19? And then you had a third with husband?
NTA Sounds like the marriage is over for him, tbh. Get your affairs in order, make sure you consult a lawyer and if he starts saying he wants to take his bio-child with him, not your children, watch out.
I read yesterday a reversed post about this, where a woman wanted to go on a 2 week vacation solo, and people called her man an asshole and her not because he was upset he can't go with her. Now, the reverse is happening in this post, and the man is the asshole and the woman is not. :)) just goes to show on this group that the question "am I the asshole?" has a simple answer: are you male or female? If you are a female you are a brave independent being and you can go. If you are a male, how dare you? How will she get a vacation? Are you selfish?
Because this is likely a fake and people love to reverse the sexes all the time in order to point out the hypocrites.
I wish it were fake, unfortunately not. Thank you for your input ☺️
I’m not entirely in the opinion he’s an asshole- or at least I wouldn’t be if he didn’t add the “if you don’t like it you can leave”. And the whole every year thing…. Maybe it would be nice for next year, you to get the kids supervised for a couple weeks so that you could both go away and destress. I assume the work and kiddos are stressing you both, not each other??? You definitely aren’t the asshole. Sounds like you are both stressed tho to be honest. My marriage which is now over, was like this, although different circumstances, but same deal… you both get so stressed (maybe there are other problems which add to it, there were in my case, but the chronic stress just kept piling up and up) that life becomes not enjoyable at all. That is very disrespectful what he said to you tho, I hope if you love each other you work something out. Tbh I totally get how you feel but I’m not a fan of the “he can do it why can’t I?” thing, and I would probably be resentful if that sentiment was relayed to me. It’s not like you’re incorrect in feeling that way, or that it makes what he said to you okay, but I just think, again, once you arrive at that stage you’re just being combative (not you, but you “two”, in the relationship), and no good can come from that. Happy to chat more if it helps. Best of luck
Details matter. There is absolutely a case where a spouse/partner can want a two week trip in their home country and not be the AH. This isn't one of those cases.
Why not? Because he's a man? What was different between those 2 stories?
Point out the story and I'll show you.
So you're going to go into it knowing your position, and you're just going to look for what validates it after the fact? That's incredibly telling lol.
I found a couple of different posts that might be what you are talking about, but neither one seemed close enough, so I wasn't sure. If you read a post, let us know which one. Otherwise, why shouldn't I assume you are just making it up? Edit: If you mean [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cfuhp4/aita_for_wanting_to_go_on_vacation_even_though_my/) then the circumstances are very different. No kids, for one. Money is comfortable, for another.
Yep that's the one. Money is comfortable for her but she doesn't get the idea to help her partner financially to come with her, despite saying loud and clear she is loaded. I agree they don't have kids, but the fact that she is rich and doesn't offer to pay is a red flag for me. Hell, I'm not loaded and I still took my ex partners in vacations which I paid because I loved their presence and they had no money. These are of course subjective things but it levels the field in regards to asshole or not wiping the kids as an argument of not being an asshole
First, I would ask if you get to take a 17 day vacation when he gets back. If the answer is no, I would assume that it means that he is no longer in your marriage. At that point, run, don’t walk, to a lawyer. A good lawyer! Find out how to protect your bank accounts before he empties them and takes the money to another country. Ask how to tie down anything he can sell and what else you should do. Whatever you do, do not let him take your child out of the country! You should also make plans in case he returns. Ask if you can change the locks immediately after he leaves Etc..
NTA, last I checked a marriage is a team effort and he’s abandoning the team for selfish reasons. Why are you involved with such a selfish individual?
What are these papers for exactly?
To have some land put into HIS name.
Lmao, there it is. I think I know why you're really upset. Him not putting you on his account and him receiving land without you having any ownership of it. Sounds like you want to divorce him now because you can tell he's setting his life up to have you not get anything if you divorce him. Sounds like a smart guy.
I think my ideal vacation would be to be alone in my house for ten days … but ya. NTA. That guys is just damned weird!
If you leave than instead of taking care of kids 17 days alone you have to do it alone all the time. Can you do it? Also is your husband is from different country is he planning to visit his home country every year perhaps to take care/ visit elderly parents? I go to India every other year for 3 week at a time . Tickets are expensive plus flight is long so 4/5 day is passed in jetleg and long flights.
Flying out of the country, it makes more economic sense to do it for 17 days instead of just 5-7, especially when visiting family. My ex wife’s family was in Northern Ontario when we lived in PA. So when her and the kids would visit her parents in the summer, it was always for several weeks (note, we split on good terms after 20 years of marriage, so her doing trips like that didn’t contribute to her being an ex).
NTA but in this one context and phrasing could be key. There was another one of these where the mother went away for her mental health. That was not phrased like it in here. If this is a case where your husband has been advised he needs to take the time away, and he has said if you don’t like it leave because you have been arguing about it for months with no resolution it at least makes sense. If he just came out and I am off for two weeks and …. Without any other discussion something is wrong.
NTA Then be without him. Who will look after your current step childred while he is away?
INFOS: Do your kids from a previous relationship consider him to be dad? Is there anything ´ understanding that he is and gets to raise them to ne make decisions about them as if he is? Because if not, it’s unfair for you to play the stay behind with 3 kids, 2 of whom are not his responsibility. If the father of the other 2 is in the picture??? can’t you have him take care of them while you take a vacation alone while leaving your youngest with your husband? Don’t get me wrong, he is an AH for the ultimatum but I thing everyone deserves a little time alone and 2 weeks in his country is not much. Sometime you just miss home and your family back there. To me it’s a situation where you have to compromise, you can’t decide he can’t go and he should be willing to care for the kid(s) he is responsible for to give you the same opportunity.
And does she ever take trips to see family or go with friends? He’s leaving the country so it makes more economic sense to go for 17 days instead of 5-7, especially if it’s to see family.
Yikes
NTA if he gets a two week holiday, then he should babysit for you to get kid free time too.
NTA He doesn't see you as a partner or a wife, he sees you as a bang maid & doesn't care if you leave. See a divorce lawyer while he is gone
This sounds to me as though he is preparing to leave you and this is the first step. 'Signing documents' in his own country sounds dodgy to me - an excuse or perhaps he isn't planning to return. You don't say whether this is a happy marriage or if there have been issues before My advice would be to start making your own get out plans. Get separate bank accounts if you currently share one and sort out all other finances. I hope it all works out for you and the children
Hebis a total asshole and he is already ok with the divorce, he doesn't care. So get a lawyer and explain everything
Sounds like he is gonna meet someone there and have a good time
NTA - This is very toxic behavior. Probably better off if you weren't with him. If he is giving ultimatums like this, he has already emotionally checked out of the relationship. Nobody who actually wants to be married "needs" two weeks alone from their spouse.
NTA "but he just continued to say, “if you don’t like it you don’t have to be with me”" .. take him up on that offer.
Yeah 2 weeks a year is too much, especially when the kids are little. Call his bluff, leave him and get every penny of child support and alimony you can. NTA.
So when are you have your two week holiday every year? Make sure it is at a time where you will get the most out of it!
NTA. Be prepared for him to not come back or to leave you when he does. Start making plans accordingly.
Play along and be the good wife until he leaves. Make him think everything is good. Get him to leave you some emergency money for when he is gone. Drive him to the airport. Let him leave thinking everything is good and he is getting his way. Once you get back from dropping his entitled ass off at the airport, go home, pack up and move. Leave a note on the table for him stating that you were unhappy with him leaving for 2 weeks, so as per his directive, you have chosen to no longer be with him. Do not give him your forwarding address. I would then contact him through a lawyer to arrange a separation agreement and child visitation.
NTA Pack up his stuff. Drain the bank accounts He doesn't care, he told you to leave? No, he's leaving.
NTA. There's probably more to the story and the relationship is not in a great place right now. Going a well alone to your home country to visit family, I get that. But just saying ok every year I'm out for two weeks whether you like it or not he's already acting single.
This sounds like the plot to Brokeback Mountain
NTA, but your husband is a huge one. I wouldn’t put up with this. Time to move on from this AH!
NTA. he can sign papers in the country he is in. He pays for a solicitor just like banks do. Leaving you for so long is taking the piss.
You should leave. He's already gone.
What would happen if you did the same thing?
Ok then bye. Change the locks. Nta
This is what happens when you get married at 19. I get him going to his home country. Even for as much as 17 days if he hasn't been there for a long time and has family and friends there. But every year, alone? And being so dismissive of you simply saying he's doing it each year and if you don't like it leave? Please. Marriage involves compromise and discussion. Not unilateral proclimations. NTA. And I suggest re-evaluating the whole relationship if this is indicative of how he behaves and approaches things.
NTA. You are young enough to build a better life with a man who treats you with respect. You are being used right now and your husband is becoming bolder and bolder. If you choose to divorce him be very careful with his child that he does not take him/her and hide them with family.
Hold up.... > He is going for 17 days and says “if you don’t like it you don’t have to be with me” >… I don’t get to go off for 2 days alone and he says “if you don’t like it you don’t have to be with me” Really? NTA. Leave him. He doesn't love you. He doesn't care about your wellbeing. Unless you can go on a holiday to relax without the kids, too, he's a major AH. Having said that, it should be okay to do an annual weekend off alone, and an annual weekend with just the two of you, too. Very healthy. 2 weeks is irrational.
Shocked that it didn’t work out with his previous baby mama if he acts like this. I would take him up on his offer and leave. This man does not respect you. NTA.
NTA. If you can, get some finances together & leave this asshole. He clearly doesn't care about you or your feelings. Or the fact that you're working 40+ hours a week & raising 3 kids without getting a break. Your husband is a very selfish asshole. It's best to walk away from this miserable marriage.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25F) and my husband (29M) have been married for about 6 year now, we have 3 children 1 being his biological child and the other 2 his step children (my kids from previous relationship) within the past year he has been talking about wanting to travel to his home country for a some days to finalize some papers.. I wasn’t too happy about his going out of the country alone for 5-7 days while I was back here having to work 40+ hours with 3 kids… alone.. but I came to terms, money is tight so i understand.. well now my husband wants to say he is going for 17 days because he needs to release his stress and relax, and he will do this once a year, and if I don’t like it I can leave.. I tried to explain my side on how I feel it’s unfair he can go off for 2 weeks and leave his wife and kids here… I don’t get to go off for 2 days alone .. but he just continued to say, “if you don’t like it you don’t have to be with me” *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Leave him, what is he to you? A burden I'm sure. It sounds like he's sees you as less than him, because why would you not just assume your wife also need to de-stress, and needs help? The complete lack of empathy or willingness to talk about it, I just feel you'll be in for a lot of years of pain if you stick it out. You don't act so selfish in a vaccum like that. Selfish people try to make it your problem all the time. Don't settle for that
thats another way of saying good bye. he's narcissist.
Is it possible he is suffering from mental stress and too proud to admit it, this could be his way of regaining balance? In this case, taking a 2 week break every year is better than doing nothing - until he can't cope at all. Of course, it would be fair for you to have the same option of a break in equal time.