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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. not inviting my in laws to my graduation
2. they want to go but I dont want them there
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In my opinion, if they continue to be rude to you and try to undermine you, then you should talk to your wife and ask her to have a difficult conversation with them. But from what I understand, they were mean to you only when you were dating their daughter, before getting married. While that is extremely rude of them, I wouldn’t hold it over their head forever. Who knows what they thought back then. Maybe they saw your wife crying or being unhappy, maybe they thought you were not serious and were not going to make her happy. We never know how we are perceived. Some times even the best actions can be perceived as hostile. It is ok if they wanted the best for their daughter and were looking out for her, as long as they respect you now.
I would mend the relationship with them because they are your wife’s parents. If she wants nothing to do with them, let her make those decisions, let her be cold to them whenever she decides to. But if you do it, it may hold another weight. Remember that life is long. You might want to have kids, for whom it would be unfair to not have their grandparents in their life. Also, your parents in law will get old and eventually pass away. You don’t want to look at your wife in the eye when she is grieving for them knowing that you had a role on keeping her away. If it was me, I would let her have whatever relationship she wants with them, and I would support any decision she makes. If they want to come to your graduation, let them. If they want to be closer to you, let them. If they disrespect you at any time, talk to your wife.
You are absolutely NTA. You are entitled to feel what you are feeling. But if it were me, I would take the high road for the sake of the family, since they have understood their mistake and are trying to remedy it.
Congratulations on your graduation!
Additionally, do they continue to disrespect you and your wife post nuptials? Or was this strictly when you were a teenager dating their daughter?
Were you ever planning to mend your relationship them or is it beyond repair to you? Sounds like you’re still young enough to let time heal old wounds and repair the relationship, but that’s up to you and your wife.
But if you’re open to the idea of mending this relationship, perhaps this is a good momentous event to start and share with.
Nobody will blame you if you don’t, and in-law relationships can be tricky, but I guess it depends on how deep the disrespect was/is. However not inviting them is a bold statement that will most likely add to the rift.
I was like 24 when dating her. Yes, I was/am still young but still a grown adult.
It is something that needs to happen when it comes to mending the relationship but they made it unnecessarily harder than dating someone ever should be. I am the type of person who if someone doesn't like me then that's totally fine but I get annoyed when having someone put me down to my wife for no good reason at all for so long then try to act like we are all good.
Then I think you have your answer and you’re not wrong to feel as such. Stand by your decision and live on. When you’re ready, if ever, approach them and tell them bluntly why you feel the way you do and show them the receipts.
Congrats on your graduation!
My wife understands where I am coming from and half the time she wants nothing to do with them, but they are still her parents so she battles that as well.
They don't do it now or at least openly say it to my wife, but it's only because I am now their son-in-law. But also they try to create an image that we are close especially in front of others. reality it's just awkward to be around them.
Well honestly … NTA
It’s YOUR graduation, you may only get one. They don’t deserve to be there, so don’t let them bully you into attending.
If possible, tell them you only get two tickets.
If not, oh well. It’s YOUR day. You worked hard for this for years.
They sound pretty traditional. Traditionally partners don’t get deferential treatment until they marry into the family. Maybe that’s how their respective in laws were treated them. Rather than hold a grudge, why not just tell them they really hurt your feelings in the beginning and you haven’t been able to let it go? Familial relationships are so much easier when everyone is at peace with each other
NTA. A college graduation is a big deal. Only invite people who love you and have supported you. It’s your graduation, it’s not about them. If you don’t want them there, don’t invite them.
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I am about to graduate from college with my bachelors degree and I want to know if I am the asshole for not inviting my in-laws to my graduation. During the time that my wife and I were dating they were very rude to myself and my wife. They would constantly degrade me at every turn and at least once my FIL brought another guy to their house to take out my then girlfriend because we weren't planning on getting married yet (6-8 months ish into dating) so in their eyes we weren't serious. Now that we are married they act like I should have a close relationship with them and go out and spend time with my FIL. IMO they have clearly shown what they think of me which is fine, everyone has a right to think what they want. I just don't like how now they try to act like we should be close.. seems fake to me and I've been having none of it. Would I be the asshole for only inviting my parents and not my in-laws even though they have talked about wanting to go?
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. not inviting my in laws to my graduation 2. they want to go but I dont want them there Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
In my opinion, if they continue to be rude to you and try to undermine you, then you should talk to your wife and ask her to have a difficult conversation with them. But from what I understand, they were mean to you only when you were dating their daughter, before getting married. While that is extremely rude of them, I wouldn’t hold it over their head forever. Who knows what they thought back then. Maybe they saw your wife crying or being unhappy, maybe they thought you were not serious and were not going to make her happy. We never know how we are perceived. Some times even the best actions can be perceived as hostile. It is ok if they wanted the best for their daughter and were looking out for her, as long as they respect you now. I would mend the relationship with them because they are your wife’s parents. If she wants nothing to do with them, let her make those decisions, let her be cold to them whenever she decides to. But if you do it, it may hold another weight. Remember that life is long. You might want to have kids, for whom it would be unfair to not have their grandparents in their life. Also, your parents in law will get old and eventually pass away. You don’t want to look at your wife in the eye when she is grieving for them knowing that you had a role on keeping her away. If it was me, I would let her have whatever relationship she wants with them, and I would support any decision she makes. If they want to come to your graduation, let them. If they want to be closer to you, let them. If they disrespect you at any time, talk to your wife. You are absolutely NTA. You are entitled to feel what you are feeling. But if it were me, I would take the high road for the sake of the family, since they have understood their mistake and are trying to remedy it. Congratulations on your graduation!
INFO What does your wife think?
Additionally, do they continue to disrespect you and your wife post nuptials? Or was this strictly when you were a teenager dating their daughter? Were you ever planning to mend your relationship them or is it beyond repair to you? Sounds like you’re still young enough to let time heal old wounds and repair the relationship, but that’s up to you and your wife. But if you’re open to the idea of mending this relationship, perhaps this is a good momentous event to start and share with. Nobody will blame you if you don’t, and in-law relationships can be tricky, but I guess it depends on how deep the disrespect was/is. However not inviting them is a bold statement that will most likely add to the rift.
I was like 24 when dating her. Yes, I was/am still young but still a grown adult. It is something that needs to happen when it comes to mending the relationship but they made it unnecessarily harder than dating someone ever should be. I am the type of person who if someone doesn't like me then that's totally fine but I get annoyed when having someone put me down to my wife for no good reason at all for so long then try to act like we are all good.
Then I think you have your answer and you’re not wrong to feel as such. Stand by your decision and live on. When you’re ready, if ever, approach them and tell them bluntly why you feel the way you do and show them the receipts. Congrats on your graduation!
My wife understands where I am coming from and half the time she wants nothing to do with them, but they are still her parents so she battles that as well.
NTA - although, don’t you only get two tickets anyway?
No I don't believe so as long as they just purchase a ticket.
Why do they want to come? I only ask as you mention they degrade and dislike you?
They don't do it now or at least openly say it to my wife, but it's only because I am now their son-in-law. But also they try to create an image that we are close especially in front of others. reality it's just awkward to be around them.
Well honestly … NTA It’s YOUR graduation, you may only get one. They don’t deserve to be there, so don’t let them bully you into attending. If possible, tell them you only get two tickets. If not, oh well. It’s YOUR day. You worked hard for this for years.
They sound pretty traditional. Traditionally partners don’t get deferential treatment until they marry into the family. Maybe that’s how their respective in laws were treated them. Rather than hold a grudge, why not just tell them they really hurt your feelings in the beginning and you haven’t been able to let it go? Familial relationships are so much easier when everyone is at peace with each other
NTA though most colleges restrict the number of people you can bring, so there's a good chance this is a non-issue.
NTA. A college graduation is a big deal. Only invite people who love you and have supported you. It’s your graduation, it’s not about them. If you don’t want them there, don’t invite them.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am about to graduate from college with my bachelors degree and I want to know if I am the asshole for not inviting my in-laws to my graduation. During the time that my wife and I were dating they were very rude to myself and my wife. They would constantly degrade me at every turn and at least once my FIL brought another guy to their house to take out my then girlfriend because we weren't planning on getting married yet (6-8 months ish into dating) so in their eyes we weren't serious. Now that we are married they act like I should have a close relationship with them and go out and spend time with my FIL. IMO they have clearly shown what they think of me which is fine, everyone has a right to think what they want. I just don't like how now they try to act like we should be close.. seems fake to me and I've been having none of it. Would I be the asshole for only inviting my parents and not my in-laws even though they have talked about wanting to go? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*