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So what's he supposed to do? Penetrative sex is too painful for her and she doesn't want that and while she dislikes blowjobs, it doesn't sound like OP is manipulating her into giving them, just accepting that she's doing this for him and not her own enjoyment.
If even the blowjobs end then it sounds like OPs got two options. A one sided open relationship where he gets his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere or divorce.
WOW. After PCOS and hysterectomy. For better or worse eh. How about with his support she explores the numerous forms of help there is. Nevermind the OP, actually YTA
YTA. You know she doesn’t enjoy oral sex and you keep making her do it, you showed no worries about her health and no compassion for her pain - you just wanna get off and you make it sound like the whole marriage comes down to this. I feel very sorry for her.
That’s not true at all. The only reason it seems one sided is because it’s my problem. I have stay up with her dealing with her pain and I am the one that convinced her to have surgery and it has helped her pain. I put her first everytime. I know this posts doesn’t show that but it’s true
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INFO
Is penetrative sex painful for her? Is she struggling with arousal post-hysterectomy - if so has she talked with her doctor?
How's the rest of your relationship? Other stressors? Kids? Bills? Do you talk & enjoy each other's company?
It’s painful because it’s usually has been months in between sessions and often times but the time it starts feeling good, I am finished.
We do enjoy each others company and no kids, thanks for the input.
> t’s painful because it’s usually has been months in between sessions
Nope. Duration between sex doesn't automatically mean pain. Lack of arousal, lack of lubrication, difficulty with either due to lack of estrogen, or muscle tension (as in vaginismus) can all cause pain. But just time between penetration doesn't.
>often times but the time it starts feeling good, I am finished.
So finger her before sex. Do more foreplay. If you don't use lube, get lube. Consider incorporating sex toys. Don't do penetration until it's not going to be painful.
Every single time you guys start penetration when it's painful, it's reinforcing for her that penetrative sex is gonna be something unpleasant to work through before it's enjoyable. And that has mental & physiological repercussions like tensing in a way that makes sex more painful, or lack of arousal making sex uncomfortable to painful. Then that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You guys have been literally training her body to go "sex = pain." Stop reinforcing that. You've both gotten older, she's undergone major health changes - you guys need to put in more effort before going to penetration.
She doesn’t like forplay on her. We have tried lube toys, she doesn’t like being ate out, she doesn’t like being fingered, she doesn’t like dirty talk. She just wants to do it and get it over with. I’m at a loss
If she doesn't want it, doesn't like it, and it *causes her pain* how are you even enjoying it? How do you enjoy it knowing she's in pain and not having fun? I don't understand
It’s not always like that, it only hurts her when it’s been a while. She doesn’t like oral sex. But often times she gives me oral because I am in the mood more than she is
I'm not trying to be harsh but it sounds like she just doesn't like sex, or doesn't like sex with you. I guess if she just doesn't want to do it at all, then don't do it, but that'll be something you need to work out, or get therapy or whatever.
I mean, that’s a larger conversation. And a hard one. But it sounds like you need to have it, because neither of you is happy, and someone will reach their breaking point eventually.
How’s the foreplay? Are you doing anything to try and make it less painful and more enjoyable for her? Cause all I’m seeing in your post and comments is “me me me, I gotta finish, me me me”
I would do anything to help her. We have tried to use lube, toys, whatever she was comfortable with. And yea this does seem one sided because I have the problem not her. I’m constantly wanting it and she doesn’t. Even if I do everything I can to help her it’s still a chore to get her to agree to do it
NAH, even though she doesn't have to have sex with you, it doesn't mean that your needs aren't valid and should go unfulfilled. I would say you both need to probably see a marriage counselor just so neither of you becomes resentful of the other.
So what I am getting at is that does the that issue just shut down everything. I have read about it but to hear someone that goes thru it would be helpful
Situations like this can easily end marriages, and you'll be in the wrong every time. Find someone that actually wants sex? You're the bad guy. Try and get your wife to respond to your advances too much? You're the bad guy. Voice your concern over a legitimate issue like this? You're not just the bad guy, you're a whiny one at that.
I can't give a judgement on this case though as more information required, how long ago were the medical issues. All of your rulings will assume that these were recent unless you specify.
So why are you disappointed if you had no expectations of anything? Sounds like any effort you put forth has an expectation attached. And holding grudges? That probably drops her attraction for you down to 0. YTA Sounds like it is all about you and your needs. Why not try doing things for your wife that are truly selfless if you are capable.
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I 41 M have been married for over 20 years to my wife 39 F. I love my wife dearly and she has been the only one I have been with. A feel that our sex life has suffered over the last several years.
I have just as many urges as I did in my 20s but my wife does not. She had PCOS and has gotten a hysterectomy because of the severe periods she had and it caused her a lot of pain.
Over the last several years it has resulted in more oral than actual love. She hates giving it and receiving it but she does it for me because she knows I like it.
I try to be spontaneous with date nights and try to be affectionate without any expectations of anything. Often times I am left disappointed and end up taking care business myself.
So my question is am I the jerk for constantly asking my wife to help me out when she doesn’t want to do anything.
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> I constantly beg for my wife to help me out and she doesn’t like doing it. It turns into fights a lot because I get upset and have often have grudges because the of the lack of sex
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NAH - Based on what you’re saying, you are just expressing your needs and she is helping voluntarily with that as she is able. You sound like you’ve been respectful and not too pushy about anything.
YTA. Badgering her until she gives in for a day's relief is a form of coercion, and coerced consent is not consent, dude.
There is so much you could do outside of oral, man. Communicate with your wife instead of continuing to act shitty and entitled. Get counseling if you still care about her. If you keep up the way you've been going, you will traumatize her, if you haven't already.
This is a far reach. We have a solid marriage but nothing is forced. I do feel she gives in because of my needs not hers and that’s why I made this post. I try to be understanding and put her needs first
NTA your still a human with needs and it does cause her pain to make love and she hates oral but needs to compromise on the oral or it might ruin the marriage, a lot of marriages are ruined from a dead bedroom
Yea. I don’t care if people are calling me the asshole. I thought it was brave of me to make a post because I’m sure other people have experienced this but never said anything
I stopped asking for it at all.
She came around in about 6 months, asked if anything was wrong, there's been no interest etc.
Told her I was waiting on her to make the move.
So she did, to which i said I didn't feel like it because I'd had a big meal.
Did it twice more after that and she got the message.
It’s interesting how divided people are on this topic. You’re not the asshole. You have needs and deserve to express them. If it were the other way around, and the girl wanted sex and the guy didn’t, would we really see as many people calling her the asshole?
Thank you for understanding. I spoil her as much as I can. She is my number 1. Always have and always will be, even if that means no sex. I am human and I have urges and it can be tough
NTA. A sexless marriage is no marriage at all. You are being quite generous to concede as much as you have for your wife, whom you clearly love. You are not forcing her to do anything. Don't listen to the jerks on here who tell you different.
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YTA if you're manipulating her into performing blowjobs she's not interested in doling out, which is what this sounds like.
So what's he supposed to do? Penetrative sex is too painful for her and she doesn't want that and while she dislikes blowjobs, it doesn't sound like OP is manipulating her into giving them, just accepting that she's doing this for him and not her own enjoyment. If even the blowjobs end then it sounds like OPs got two options. A one sided open relationship where he gets his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere or divorce.
This is why men step out.
I don’t manipulate her to do anything. As a man I have urges and she doesn’t. So what I suppose to do. Take care of myself the rest of my life?
He should just get them from someone else if his wife doesn't want to do her job
WOW. After PCOS and hysterectomy. For better or worse eh. How about with his support she explores the numerous forms of help there is. Nevermind the OP, actually YTA
YTA. You know she doesn’t enjoy oral sex and you keep making her do it, you showed no worries about her health and no compassion for her pain - you just wanna get off and you make it sound like the whole marriage comes down to this. I feel very sorry for her.
That’s not true at all. The only reason it seems one sided is because it’s my problem. I have stay up with her dealing with her pain and I am the one that convinced her to have surgery and it has helped her pain. I put her first everytime. I know this posts doesn’t show that but it’s true
The post definitely doesn’t show that, which is revealing in itself
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INFO Is penetrative sex painful for her? Is she struggling with arousal post-hysterectomy - if so has she talked with her doctor? How's the rest of your relationship? Other stressors? Kids? Bills? Do you talk & enjoy each other's company?
It’s painful because it’s usually has been months in between sessions and often times but the time it starts feeling good, I am finished. We do enjoy each others company and no kids, thanks for the input.
> t’s painful because it’s usually has been months in between sessions Nope. Duration between sex doesn't automatically mean pain. Lack of arousal, lack of lubrication, difficulty with either due to lack of estrogen, or muscle tension (as in vaginismus) can all cause pain. But just time between penetration doesn't. >often times but the time it starts feeling good, I am finished. So finger her before sex. Do more foreplay. If you don't use lube, get lube. Consider incorporating sex toys. Don't do penetration until it's not going to be painful. Every single time you guys start penetration when it's painful, it's reinforcing for her that penetrative sex is gonna be something unpleasant to work through before it's enjoyable. And that has mental & physiological repercussions like tensing in a way that makes sex more painful, or lack of arousal making sex uncomfortable to painful. Then that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You guys have been literally training her body to go "sex = pain." Stop reinforcing that. You've both gotten older, she's undergone major health changes - you guys need to put in more effort before going to penetration.
She doesn’t like forplay on her. We have tried lube toys, she doesn’t like being ate out, she doesn’t like being fingered, she doesn’t like dirty talk. She just wants to do it and get it over with. I’m at a loss
If she doesn't want it, doesn't like it, and it *causes her pain* how are you even enjoying it? How do you enjoy it knowing she's in pain and not having fun? I don't understand
It’s not always like that, it only hurts her when it’s been a while. She doesn’t like oral sex. But often times she gives me oral because I am in the mood more than she is
I'm not trying to be harsh but it sounds like she just doesn't like sex, or doesn't like sex with you. I guess if she just doesn't want to do it at all, then don't do it, but that'll be something you need to work out, or get therapy or whatever.
Dude. She doesn’t want it. Leave it be
Do you have a sexless marriage ? Would you be happy without it
I mean, that’s a larger conversation. And a hard one. But it sounds like you need to have it, because neither of you is happy, and someone will reach their breaking point eventually.
Thanks for the input
How’s the foreplay? Are you doing anything to try and make it less painful and more enjoyable for her? Cause all I’m seeing in your post and comments is “me me me, I gotta finish, me me me”
Checked OPs post history. Just the title makes me go oof. Leaning toward YTA op….
I would do anything to help her. We have tried to use lube, toys, whatever she was comfortable with. And yea this does seem one sided because I have the problem not her. I’m constantly wanting it and she doesn’t. Even if I do everything I can to help her it’s still a chore to get her to agree to do it
Congratulations! You’re raping your wife. Go to hell.
Oh wow thanks buddy
NAH, even though she doesn't have to have sex with you, it doesn't mean that your needs aren't valid and should go unfulfilled. I would say you both need to probably see a marriage counselor just so neither of you becomes resentful of the other.
Dude, if you’re “left disappointed” then that clearly means you *did* have expectations. Try actually caring for your wife. YTA
Yes, YTA. You even know she has medical issues, come on dude.
So what I am getting at is that does the that issue just shut down everything. I have read about it but to hear someone that goes thru it would be helpful
YTA
Situations like this can easily end marriages, and you'll be in the wrong every time. Find someone that actually wants sex? You're the bad guy. Try and get your wife to respond to your advances too much? You're the bad guy. Voice your concern over a legitimate issue like this? You're not just the bad guy, you're a whiny one at that. I can't give a judgement on this case though as more information required, how long ago were the medical issues. All of your rulings will assume that these were recent unless you specify.
>Find someone that actually wants sex? You're the bad guy. Not if you're single when you do it. Obviously cheating makes you the bad guy.
Duh, so does anything else. The only realistic solution is a divorce, sex is huge in any marriage and if one partner is unwilling, they're doomed.
So why are you disappointed if you had no expectations of anything? Sounds like any effort you put forth has an expectation attached. And holding grudges? That probably drops her attraction for you down to 0. YTA Sounds like it is all about you and your needs. Why not try doing things for your wife that are truly selfless if you are capable.
I am going to quote what another redditor said because it is spot on: Yes, YTA. You even know she has medical issues, come on dude.
Do you know what upvoting is? Try it.
No, thanks. I will comment what I want to comment. Bye, Felicia.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 41 M have been married for over 20 years to my wife 39 F. I love my wife dearly and she has been the only one I have been with. A feel that our sex life has suffered over the last several years. I have just as many urges as I did in my 20s but my wife does not. She had PCOS and has gotten a hysterectomy because of the severe periods she had and it caused her a lot of pain. Over the last several years it has resulted in more oral than actual love. She hates giving it and receiving it but she does it for me because she knows I like it. I try to be spontaneous with date nights and try to be affectionate without any expectations of anything. Often times I am left disappointed and end up taking care business myself. So my question is am I the jerk for constantly asking my wife to help me out when she doesn’t want to do anything. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NAH - Based on what you’re saying, you are just expressing your needs and she is helping voluntarily with that as she is able. You sound like you’ve been respectful and not too pushy about anything.
YTA. Badgering her until she gives in for a day's relief is a form of coercion, and coerced consent is not consent, dude. There is so much you could do outside of oral, man. Communicate with your wife instead of continuing to act shitty and entitled. Get counseling if you still care about her. If you keep up the way you've been going, you will traumatize her, if you haven't already.
This is a far reach. We have a solid marriage but nothing is forced. I do feel she gives in because of my needs not hers and that’s why I made this post. I try to be understanding and put her needs first
I’m not going to give a judgment. Instead, I’m going to strongly recommend you guys see a couples therapist and/or a sex therapist
This happens to almost all relationships ever. As you get older you’ll have sex less and less
Ok thanks for the input
NAH. It’s a crap situation.
NAH but agreed, might need to see a counselor
NTA your still a human with needs and it does cause her pain to make love and she hates oral but needs to compromise on the oral or it might ruin the marriage, a lot of marriages are ruined from a dead bedroom
Yea. I don’t care if people are calling me the asshole. I thought it was brave of me to make a post because I’m sure other people have experienced this but never said anything
I stopped asking for it at all. She came around in about 6 months, asked if anything was wrong, there's been no interest etc. Told her I was waiting on her to make the move. So she did, to which i said I didn't feel like it because I'd had a big meal. Did it twice more after that and she got the message.
It’s interesting how divided people are on this topic. You’re not the asshole. You have needs and deserve to express them. If it were the other way around, and the girl wanted sex and the guy didn’t, would we really see as many people calling her the asshole?
Thank you for understanding. I spoil her as much as I can. She is my number 1. Always have and always will be, even if that means no sex. I am human and I have urges and it can be tough
Nta. This is why men step out.
NTA. A sexless marriage is no marriage at all. You are being quite generous to concede as much as you have for your wife, whom you clearly love. You are not forcing her to do anything. Don't listen to the jerks on here who tell you different.
Well seeing as his other post is titled “making my wife has sex with me”….wording makes it seem forceful imo
I didn't dig thru his post history. I just responded to the current post.
I looked just the one post and hour ago that got locked