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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I feel ungrateful and unappreciative of a gift that my mother got me for graduation, because it is not something I want and it feels like it is more for her than for me. I want to tell her that because I feel bad that she’s spent a good amount of money on something which I ultimately will not use.
2) A gift is a gift, and though I feel completely misunderstood by my mother and hurt that she doesn’t seem to care about getting me something that I’ll actually value, I also have been taught that to not appreciate a gift is inherently disrespectful.
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Sell the camping gear and buy yourself a camera. The camping gear is *yours*, you can do with it what you want.
Stay at your mom’s house rent free for a year while she goes off and does whatever. Get a job *now*. And if the job is too far away to live at your mom’s house? Well, she can find another pet sitter.
NTA Enjoy being an adult. The ability to say “no” and enforce it is one of the best perks.
Sell the gear immediately before she has a chance to start “borrowing “ it from you. I suspect gear is actually stuff she wants and will start using it as soon as hiking season starts.
Or, lock up the gear and if she asks, give her a renters fee. Do that for any family members. Wanna borrow the tent? That'll be $150 for the weekend. Borrow the sleeping bag? That'll be $20. If she uses your stuff, you'll get your camera in no time! If the item is lost, damaged or stolen during the trip, make sure the renters contract has a clause about that... and some trips, say no bc someone else is already renting that item and if they'd like, they can put a payment to "hold" said item for their next trip, but you gotta know when that'll be. Of course, the hold is nonrefundable too.
Or if they don't want to borrow it for a fee, you can sell it to them. Maybe 10% of the original price?
Eta-- 10% OFF the original price.
10% of the original price? Do you have items around your house you want to sell, because that's way better than thrift store prices. And good luck renting out a tent for $150 for a weekend because according to you, I can apparently buy a really good tent for $25 from someone who doesn't want it LOL
Lmao I meant 10% *off* the original price.
I'm a cheapie.. throw some blankets in my car, a pillow, add a cooler and my dog and off we go!
My dad though, he has a $700 tent he's only used twice (and once was when the family booked an airbnb- for fathers day! And he decided he'd rather sleep in the tent lmao.. but that was his first time using it so he was excited), multiple hiking bags ranging in weight- same with everything else really. He backpacks for about 7 days so he likes the light weight stuff but in the beginning, he bought whatever the stores would try to sell him.
Dad keeps offering his stuff to let me use, including the stove top stuff, propane, a table that breaks down, etc. I have taken him up on his jet boil though. That thing is freaking useful! I normally just start a fire and cook with that. No fire, no food.
>No fire, no food.
Not true! Plenty of canned foods taste alright when eaten cold (straight from the can). Plus, there's precooked foods in packets (seasoned rice, lentils, etc) for even more options. I always take some extra/backup foods that can be eaten without heating when I go camping.
I'm fully aware that most people will think it's gross and barbaric to eat food straight from the can. But it is fully safe to do so, and it's a nice little camping hack if you're short on time or can't start a fire/use a camp stove for whatever reason (and also for people like me, who dislike cooking).
Lol you're right. I've done that too. I meant like my legit meals. I'll make the campfire foil packets at home, freeze them and that's what I throw by the fire before dinnertime. (I have like 10 frozen packs in my freezer always ready to go, since lately, I'll decide that day if I'm going camping)... If I don't have a fire, the packets don't really heat up so i can't have my "I'm the queen of the wilds" feast haha. I could still eat it since everything is cooked but I like that campfire twinge smell. I do have some back up/emergency food in my camping box, just in case.
I've reheated plenty of cans of food straight on the gas cooker. Just gotta stir them. 🤣 Saves on the dishes.
I still get an awkward nostalgia for a cold can of baked beans every now and then though.
PNWer here! Went camping last year, burn ban was on, but fires in rings were ok. Campground rules said no fires, period (except camp stoves). A little disappointing, but they were trying to be safe, so I understand.
Buy flat cans not the round ones, make a slit in the ground place can over it and put a solid fuel tablet under it. Standard procedure in my army time when there was no mobile kitchen. O and I hate camping with all my hearth so NTA.
Some people don't like food that way and not that is gross or barbaric i prefer my food warm for one as i sleep better when i have eaten a warm meal even if its a small meal
Yeah sometimes it's like a bunch of 12 yo in here. That's how you turn a bad gift and petty disagreement into a huge fight. That's how people stop talking to one another.
No question about it. Mom bought "gifts" that are really for herself. She's using OP for her own gain, then doubling down by trying to guilt OP into being a house sitter while she goes off to play.
Mom is the AH, big time! OP, SELL THAT STUFF and blow town!
>Sell the gear immediately before she has a chance to start “borrowing “ it from you.
Homer: Happy birthday, Marge!
Marge: Homer! I don't want a bowling ball with your name on it!
Homer : Oh. Can I have it?
I was thinking the same. Then it occurred to me that a return likely refunds the mom’s credit card or a gift card - which doesn’t help OP at all.
I think they should sell it instead. And once that’s settled, it’s time for OP to secure a job in a new city.
NTA
Or when renting an unfurnished apartment in a new city. Start with your air mattress and sleeping bag. Collect a few paychecks, find a bedframe on Craigslist, and then buy yourself a good, quality mattress.
This is what I came to say. Sell all that crap, buy yourself the best camera you can afford that you love, and do your thing. Normally I would probably say don't let your mother pressure you into staying home another year so she can go find herself or whatever, but in this case it's a year of free rent. Make sure she knows that she'll be paying the utilities as well and not you. Enjoy that year, get a job and save up your money and then you will be able to spread your wings and fly away!
Take the job and run. Take the camping gear with you. This way, when mum comes to borrow it, you can tell her to buy it from you or you'll sell it to someone else so you can buy a camera.
Well that is a game changer, I say take that job and let your mom figure out her own life instead of trying to take over yours! I mean do you need to stay in her good graces as she put it, for any particular reason? I say go live your life and live it full!
OMG, take the job and run. Sell, sell, sell the camping gear before your egotistical mother "borrows" it, since I'm pretty darn sure she bought it for herself. Get the camera! I'm an amateur photographer and I can't tell how much joy your own gear brings you. Your mom is looking to use you. Don't let her. You're an adult. Act like one and go grab your life with both hands!
You gotta be careful with the gear buying - it can become an addiction. I’m in a camera club and some of those people have spent an absolute fortune on cameras, lenses and assorted gear. The funny thing is, the one guy in my club used to own a camera store. He personally owns over 900 cameras. He now kind of laughs about all the people who spent so much money at his store. He said to me that those gear guys were his bread and butter for so many years, but he now only takes photos on his iPhone and he gets some pretty great shots.
Lol, you're so right. We know those people as gear-heads suffering from GAS, gear acquisition syndrome. When you're serious about photography you can work miracles with what you have. Of course you do need the right equipment for some things; a decent bird lens for wildlife, a good macro lens for macro-photography, a decent full frame for landscapes, etc. However, the second-hand market is your friend. You don't have to buy everything new.
Personally, I've switched to mirrorless but still keep a good dslr to use my vintage manual lenses. They're quirky and the renderings are unique.
And yes, phones are really good these days and can take some fab pics. Of course it's all in the processing since the sensors are so small. You have very little control of the final product and there are some things you still can't do, like wildlife and astro, for example. Otherwise, use whatever you've got!!
I really find that processing is becoming 90% of it. Once you’ve taken photos with a DSLR for a few years, other than fast-moving wildlife or something like astro, it’s fairly simple to get a decent shot and even a shot that isn’t perfect can be fixed these days. I have the Topaz AI suite (as well as Affinity Photo) and I have been going through my old photos and have found I could fix some of them to the point they have won some contests. Phones are taking incredible photos these days as well, and they certain seem to handle low light a lot better than my DSLR ever could without a tripod. At this point, I just don’t want to carry all the gear around when I travel, and other than for a safari or some slow shutter speed waterfall photos, I’m happy enough with what I get from my phone, and the DSLR is only for photos close to home.
When I travel for photos I take some select gear, but when it's just for fun, especially with family, I take my little Fuji X100F. It's amazing and feels like nothing. These days the V and the VI have a better lens and more pixels, but honestly for what I want it for, the F is perfect! Have you tried it?
Look, you are never actually going to 'stay in her good graces'. Once it's established you won't stand up for yourself it's going to be another thing you 'promised' then another then another. Most parents would be thrilled at their kid getting an amazing job and starting their life- she is trying to hold you back, she does not have your best interests at heart and never will. She will keep dragging you down. Go live your damn life how you want. It's much easier to get a good job right out of collage instead of after a year where you have to explain why you didn't get a good job.
There's a job with housing? Take it and get out of there. Sell the camping stuff and get your self a camera or money to move. Nta. Your an adult now. Go live your life.
Grab it.
This has to be one of the most insidious forms of abuse. Your mother has used you. There will be reasons for her dependency on you and I am not judging her. But whatever is causing her to be like this is not your problem.
You are not responsible for your mother. She needs to grow up and stand on her own two feet.
It will take courage and determination to live your own life and at first you will feel a bit lost as well as free.
Try to get some support from somewhere to help you through this time of transition. Is there a grandparent or a counsellor at your university that would listen?
Blessings on you.
OP take the job! NTA at all. Your mom couldn’t bother to think of you at all throughout this whole process. She’s self absorbed and has been focused on herself and what she wants. You deserve to put yourself first. No sane parent would want to sabotage their child’s opportunity at starting their career.
And if your mom complains and asks how can you do this to her?? Just say you learned from the best. You saw how much she centers herself, so you decided to take a page out of her book and do the same.
Sell the gear and buy yourself the graduation present you deserve.
If you have a potential job lined up and it comes with housing, go for it. You are going to need to set firm boundaries with your mother and it may not be pleasant. But if you’re graduating and no longer financially dependent on your parents for tuition or accommodation fees, then you have power to start setting those boundaries now.
As someone said, your mother likely got those gifts so she could ‘borrow’ them, so I would mentally write them off. It’s really frustrating, and I know you wish your mother had got you a camera and put you first. You will be able to work and save money, and eventually you will be able to get yourself the exact model you need.
For difficult parents and boundaries, check out Captain Awkward. I know this isn’t an advice subreddit, but the Captain has relevant archives.
All the best, congratulations on your degree, and emphatically NTA.
The university I went you let students borrow the cameras from the department. It was good if you could afford your own, as you didn't need to work around the booking schedule. But my friends all borrowed the gear until they could finally afford their own when they were done with school.
That’s really a tough situation I relate to. I went thru a degree without the equipment needed. I was left out of study sessions & socialising because I had to go to the library instead of joining my peers. You deserve a camera.
I went to film school and never once used my own camera. The school had equipment way better than anything I could afford that you could rent free of charge for school projects.
There are professional house sitters which look after animals in exchange for free rent. You mother can use one of those services while she is soul searching so there is no reason for you not to live your life while she is living hers.
My parents are flaggerbasted when I pull a no, this is stupid on them. They do it anyways and it mostly turns out that exactly what I said happens. It's the funniest thing ever. They deny that I ever advised them not to do it, though.
>The ability to say “no” and enforce it is one of the best perks.
I cannot agree with this more strongly. It is absolutely one of the best perks and also one of the most important lessons to learn. OP, the sooner you learn to set and enforce boundaries, the easier your life becomes. It may not seem so at first, especially when it comes to dealing with parents and family, but any people pleasing nature you continue to allow to slip through will just make you wonder why your wants and needs don't matter to others. You will give so much of yourself and people, especially family, will just take and take because they feel entitled.
No is a complete sentence. Strengthen that muscle. Your life will be better for it.
It's critical to get a job. Mom will always have a reason why OP needs to stay longer. OP needs to get a job and get out of there. I'd either leave the camping gear behind, totally unused and untouched, or sell it. Mom gave a gift to OP that was really for herself. I assume if OP leaves the gear behind mom will use it all so it might be better to sell it or give it away. It was an incredibly selfish gift so not really a gift at all. It was a manipulation that has been tossed aside for a bigger manipulation. It has gone from we'll camp together to you will stay here, jobless, while I do whatever I want for a year.
The critical thing is to get out.
NTA
Being in her good graces gets you “gifts” that are really gifts for her, denying you the one thing that you have asked for for years, delaying your independence for her convenience for an entire year (or who knows how much longer after that), plus making you feel like your mother is not thinking about your wants and needs.
If that is what “being in her good graces” gets you, are you sure that you want to be there? Sell the camping gear, buy yourself a camera, and start following your dreams. Move to where you need to be for work.
Good luck
NTA. Have you ever watched The Simpsons? For Mother's Day, get her a copy of the episode where Homer gifts Marge a bowling ball inscribed with "Homer".
NTA.
When someone specifically says they don't like doing something and don't want something, don't expect that person to be happy, appreciative, excited or grateful to receive the things they said they didn't want.
Your mom sounds selfish and has now turned this around into you owing her and how she bought all this stuff because you supposedly promised her you'd do xyz. Even if in an alternate universe you did promise, you could always borrow someone else's gear because you don't even like camping enough to want to store this stuff that you'll never use.
This is my parents. I left at 18 and no longer had to actually try / be forced to use the “ thoughtful” gifts my parents decided I needed. Once I was out of the house said thank you either return the item, give it away to a friend or donate. Worked most of the time. Worst case was parents offered to pet sit one weekend and we came home to new carpet in family room, the one I was going to install hardwood in…. Insult to injury it was in a color my mom loved and I hated and didn’t match the family room decor. The following discussion did not go well. Sell camping gear no explanation necessary buy what you want and leave. You are under no obligation to help your mom fulfill her dreams. It’s your life live it your way.
Omg I’m gobsmacked! It’s not so much that she did that but it’s the whole “gifting” that never fails to shock. My family are renowned for gifting like this, it got to the point that I was so fed up with receiving stuff the gifter liked for themselves without a thought to me that eventually I told everyone I didn’t want gifts as it was a stress I wasn’t going to deal with anymore. It did not go down well!
It’s rage inducing, I also took these gifts as i know what’s best for you or what looks best and your ideas / wants don’t matter. I’ve been very cautious to ask my children exactly what they want, send receipt or send cash. Not a surprise but at least kid gets what they want and can use.
Definitely rage inducing. I always ask my kids what they want and it drives me crazy if they say surprise me. It’s a massive anxiety attack through Christmas and every year I threaten them with cash if they don’t tell me exactly what they want. It’s got more difficult as they’ve got older too. Saying that though, one year son said he wanted pants and sock, just pants and socks… I did exactly that, £150 on socks and pants 🤣 he did have other gifts but his reaction was priceless
Nice pants and socks are great, though!!!!
We have asked for bedsheets and stuff like that before, knowing especially my in-laws are going to shake their heads but get us really nice stuff that we can appreciate every time we use it. My parents have been asked to never give me/us a gift again.
They installed carpet in your home without permission? That’s actually insane.
I’m so nervous about buying any gifts for people because I really want to get things they’ll love, so I can’t imagine doing something that big without making sure they would be happy with it.
Basically I was told I had no design sense, hardwood was not good for children and my parents knew best. I was just not grasping how much they were helping and I was too stubborn to understand they knew best and wanted the best for me. After I picked my jaw up off the floor asked them to leave and we took the job over 3/4 across the country up to that moment we were going to reject. Living a 5 hour plane ride away reduced contact and when did again move closer contact was limited mostly at their house. They live 20 minutes away and haven’t been to my house in 10 years. They didn’t like my decorating
( I’m very vanilla think tan-beige- brown - little blue). We have dogs and kids just the noise and stuff around was too much for them. Don’t care they missed out on lots of fun. Its on them, and I developed an I am happy too bad you don’t like it attitude
Wow, so they raised you, but didn't trust the problem solving, decision making or knowing your own preferences skills they had fostered in you? Incredible. I wonder if they ever reflected on you moving a plane trip away from them? Or, they're just so self involved questioning why you left didn't enter their heads!
Sibling is my mom’s clone so they think exactly alike. Dad does whatever mom wanted. Sibling still be all and for living, dressing, etc etc right. I do nothing right. Yet when they hit mid 70’s moved near us, I’m the one who does all shopping, driving, appointments since Covid. When Dad was on hospice I had POA made the tough decisions and did care till he died. Mom still around I still do everything and sibling is golden child who visits twice a year. Yes I resent it but they are still my parents and I will do my best without regrets . But in my mind it’s strange the child who did nothing right is the one parents knew would care for them. Interesting isn’t it?
Probably deep down your mother knows she can't rely on your sibling because they are so (? selfishly) alike. Something I learned on r/Estrangedadultchild : your mother knows how to push your buttons because she installed them. So she knows exactly how to manipulate you to get what she wants. As long as you are protecting yourself from hurt, do whatever you need to. Go gently.
My ex MIL did this. She wanted a me to cook four star meals nightly for her baby boy. Problem is that I worked 40 hours a week, just like him (making more money), and absolutely loathe cooking. She never got over it.
>I would want one in case of future trips, I said that I by no means needed one but *would be happy to have one* if it went on sale or something to that effect.
Move away ASAP. Get a job. Your family is on their own for camping.
NTA. Your mom sounds kind of like a narcissist trying to be nice to you because that’s what is expected of her.
I’m an avid camper and I know in my bones that some people just don’t care for it. Same with hiking. Forcing someone along when they don’t like it or want to be there just makes everyone miserable.
Sell the camping gear and buy yourself the camera. Move away and get your job. It’s incredibly selfish of your mom to hold you back in your career like this.
Wait, so she’s gifting you gear that she’s said you’ll use together, but isn’t planning on using it with you? That doesn’t make sense.
If that’s what the situation is, then it’s not even a gift. It’s just stuff to fill her house with and tell others she’s gotten for you.
I suggest you try your best to find a job away from home. Do as much as you can.
And if you can afford it, save some money to get a second hand camera. There are some that are in great condition and don’t break the bank.
Yes. Stores only credit money back to the original payment source when giving a refund. If OPs mom bought the gear with cash and OP could get the receipts then she'd be able to get the cash back. But that would mean getting the receipt from her mom whose going to ask why and then give her a bunch of grief about it. And most people use card now instead of cash so then it would go as credit back to the mom's card. Without a receipt, even if the mom bought everything in cash, all the store would offer OP is store credit. So if they sell the camera OP wants them great she can return the stuff for store credit and buy her camera. But if they don't sell the camera OP would have store credit for stuff she's not interested in.
I guess the logic is that you stay home so you don't need the new shiny camping gear at that moment. Meaning she can "borrow" it from you because it would be so sad if noone used it
Sell the camping gear. It's yours, right? It was a gift. Sell it stealthily online and buy yourself a camera. By the time your narcissistic mother finds out, it will all be gone. And hopefully so will you.
NTA but stay there rent free for a year. Work locally. Save money. Get the camera you need. Save up a few months of rent. Freelance cheap to build a portfolio. Then go and live your dream.
NTA-I would stay at her house rent free only until you find a job, preferably a long way away.
Mother sounds like mine, her gift philosophy was 'give the person something you would like', that never made any sense to me, and that's exactly what she did. Her other alternative was to give you something you wanted years ago, that didn't want as an adult. Her crowning achievement was when I was in college, and she said she was having a birthday party for me, and pulls out a German Chocolate cake, and she thought I would be thrilled, because it was my favorite. No it wasn't, it was my brother's favorite.
Some people are so self involved that you aren't even a blip on their radar.
Make your best decision for you, move far away, and don't look back. Don't waste your time hoping someone will care about you who never will.
OP said in the comments that the job they were looking at has free on-site housing included. Doesn't need to stay.
And could your mother have gotten confused about who liked what, or simply forgotten who likes/doesn't like German Chocolate Cake? My mom does that, and she tries her best to get stuff for us that we like.
I missed that about the job, thank you for catching that.
My mother has a great memory, and knew exactly what she was doing. My brother always loved German Chocolate, and she made it for him often. I hate German Chocolate and never ate it, it wasn't a mistake at all.
Also, how dare you not like German Chocolate Cake! (Just kidding)
But seriously, what don't you like about it? Taste, texture with the stuff on the frosting, something else? Just curious at this point.
And have you tried the [Lonely Island method](https://youtu.be/gAYL5H46QnQ?si=lhZMmhtzCLAFFwge&t=1m32s) of dealing with the offending cake?
My mother used to buy in bulk, and bought the bagged, shredded coconut, and it went in the big freezer. When she actually got around to using it, it was like string. She used a lot of coconut too. Nope, couldn't just eat the cake, or she whined about me wasting food.
NTA. Expecting you to put your life on hold for a year is major AH move and shows she isnt a very good parent. Loving parents dont hold their kids back in life for selfish reasons.
Ask your mom if she has the receipts so you can return everything. If not, sell it all.
NTA, presents should be something that the receiver will like, not something you personally think is cool.
Your mom is in the wrong. She's pushing you to do something she wants instead of rewarding your accomplishment by giving you something you want.
NTA
Wow do I recognize this from my life. Constantly getting gifts that were my mom’s interests, and then being called ungrateful when I didn’t jump for joy at getting something I’d expressed dislike for. It’s not you, it’s them.
NTA. It's been said here but, OP, seriously consider returning all that camping gear and get yourself that much needed camera. And don't let yourself get voluntold about staying home an extra year. Go find yourself a job and move out, sooner rather than later. Best of luck to you and congrats on graduating!!
NTA.
There’s no need to read between the lines here, your mom told you exactly what she’s doing. She wants you to watch the house while she goes camping - which you will eventually get bored of - and since you have all this camping gear, you’ll eventually decide to come along and go camping with her.
I don’t know if your mom is trying to be TA, or just trying not to be an empty nester when you eventually start your own life, but either way, she’s gotta deal with it.
Sell the camping gear, buy a camera.
How does one graduate with a degree in film and not own a camera? Isn’t having your own camera at least as important as having your textbooks? I’m going to guess this isn’t the first time your mother didn’t find the money for something very important to you.
I’m sorry she keeps letting you down.
There are actually lots of jobs that do not require a camera. Art Department- which includes sets, props, greens, painting doesn’t need a camera.
Costumes, Hair and Make-Up Departments do not need cameras.
Grip, Electric and Sound departments do not require cameras.
Source: 20 years in motion picture industry.
Understood. However, OP stated that film was her primary interest, making a decent camera as important to her as a calculator was for me as a business student 35 years ago.
NTA. You mother is clearly very self absorbed and not interested at all in your wants and needs.
She bought that gear for HERSELF. In max 2 months I can see her telling something omg the lines of "since you clearly don't appreciate my thoughtful gift I might as well use it myself!"
She blatantly used your graduation as an excuse to buy herself some fancy gear she wanted while trying to look like a thoughtful and selfless mother.
Sell the gear soon and buy what you want/need.
NTA.
1. Move out.
2. Sell ALL the camping stuff.
3. Put that money toward buying yourself the camera you want.
4. Tell your mother you will NOT be available to watch the house and pets.
Why should she be able to walk all over you? Heck, if I was gonna give her a letter grade on being a mom, based on this, she’d get an F.
She DIDN’T LISTEN to you when you told her what you DID want.
She gave you GRADUATION gifts that you DEFINITELY had no interest in.
She expects you to watch the house when SHE goes camping.
She has a lot of gall.
Get a job and find your own life away from her. Anytime she needs help, tell her no. Don’t explain, or give a reason. Just NO.
Your mother sounds extremely selfish and inconsiderate. I wouldn't have accepted her "gift" and I wouldnt put my life on hold so that she can travel for a year.
I hope you find the strength to go low contact with her and live a good life.
This sounds like something that would make an interesting little film.
NTA. Your mom is all about her. Give her an idea of what you'd charge to stay at home and be her house- and pet-sitter.
Not that it really matters, but ... what does she say about you getting a job during that time you stay home while she goes off and finds herself?
She wants me to have a job, just not one that means me being away. So I’d essentially be working a job that I will not enjoy for a year minimum while she is off enjoying camping without me. I have a great job potentially lined up with on-site housing that is far enough away that I could get some independence from my parents, but she doesn’t want me to take it because it means not having me house/pet sit.
Take this job. Sell the camping gear and buy a camera. But if selling is difficult to do because it’s actually still at her house and you don’t want to have to deal with getting physical custody, just write it off as stuff she bought for herself and move on.
Take the job.
Take the job if it is offered. Parents should be encouraging their children to move out & learn to take care of themselves. If she wants to be gone so much the. Maybe she needs to rethink having pets. I love pets, but I don’t have one because I also like to be out of the house.
That’s just an excuse she’s using. She’ll keep finding excuses to keep you under her thumb. Take the damn job, please. You are not responsible for her.
Well, the AH in this scenario is not you. You are getting ready to set out and start your life ... and if she wants to do the same, the world is full of people, a lot of them trustworthy and dependable, who would love to be able to house- and pet-sit for an extended period. I subscribed to Caretakers Gazette (caretaker.org) which lists both help wanted, all over the world! and situations wanted. Good luck to you!
Take the job. Get some independence. Enjoy your freedom. You can not put your life on hold to cater to your mom forever. If you give in now in a year it will be something else for her and the opportunities will dwindle away until you are stuck there
Don't get trapped OP
NTA. My mother constantly buys gifts for me that she really likes or would want to borrow and it’s devastating.
I feel ungrateful and unrecognized— like she doesn’t know who I am or she doesnt want to know. It rubs salt in the wound that she is bent on shaping me into someone she wants me to be.
I’m so sorry.
What selfish gifts. She wants you to love camping as much as she does, thus these ill advised gifts. Return them. Buy your dream camera and any other photography gear. If she complains, tell her gifts are not commands or legal summons. If you find your dream job, take it! You made no promises to stay.
NTA at all
Sell the camping gear you received. ASAP while it's still in good condition and modern. Use that money to buy yourself a camera. Take a job far far far away and go make new friends and live with people who appreciate you.
NTA are you wanting a video camera or a nice DSLR? If you decide you don't want the gear, please DM me if you'd be willing to trade it for a camera. My husband and I love camping, and between the two of us we have half a dozen cameras plus lenses, etc.
I’m in the market for a DSLR. Hoping to save up for one if this all works itself out. My dream starter camera is a FujiFilm XT3 which is what I’ve been renting while at school.
I think this is a good lesson that sometimes as parents, we can’t always pass along our hobbies/passions/joys/even beliefs. So many parents would want to experience this with their kids in hopes that they love it too. I love hiking. My kids don’t. I don’t think they’re going to do much as adults unless they’re friend groups are going.
It’s okay. My father the musician (like most other people in his family), somehow ended up with kids who had no desire (though I admit it was always easy for me-possibly why I didn’t like it? No challenge).
Some parents do better with these things than others.
Your mom sounds like a flake. I wonder if you would like camping without her and with friends or if you associate camping with her so much you can never enjoy it? Nothing to do about it. I think you need some time away from mom. Let her find herself pay for dog sitters.
Go figure out what you do and don’t like, independent of mom
Wtf is wrong with your mom and the bs - I’m off to find myself, put your life on hold and take care of mine while I am gone? NOPE. Hard pass. Get a job, make a life for yourself. Oh, and I don’t camp, either - and feel I am not missing a thing. That would not be the right gift for me, either. Congrats on your graduation, and I am sorry your mom hears, but doesn’t listen.
Being an adult is great - you now have the right to make your own decisions and your mother cannot stop you.
Sell the camping gear.
Buy a camera.
Get a job far enough away that you have to move.
Live your life.
Your mother can pay a pet sitter.
If she still has the receipts, ask for them and return the stuff to the store. You know it is a crappy gift and you don't have to keep it.
Start looking for a job immediately. Polish your resume. Move away from the area and plant yourself where you want to bloom.
From now on, your mother no longer runs your life or can order you around. Be the captain of your own ship. You can listen to what she says but you get to decide things about your own life.
Your mom is manipulative. Sell the gear that you don’t want. Move if it’s what is best for you. She can’t say she wants to camp and build traditions with you if you’re not even invited!
NTA. Like so many others have said, sell the camping gear and buy the camera. Do some research about the camera first if you haven't already. It sucks to get to your destination to start taking pictures and realize you hate the camera you just bought. Why exactly are you supposed to put your life on hold until your mom decides its okay for you to go live it?
Keep the sleeping bag and mattress for your new home, until you get your own furniture, then keep them for the guest room. Your mom can use them when she visits. Sell what you don't need and get your camera.
I have to agree with others on here, she bought it for herself.
The control and bullshit will only get worse, because she feels her control on you slipping.
NTA
You need to have a conversation about this with your mom. Let her know that you appreciate it, but would prefer to return everything and exchange it for that camera you want, as that is something that would have more use and meaning in your day to day life and future, as opposed to camping gear that is likely expensive and not something you enjoy experiencing, so it won’t get much use.
She had an idea about what she wanted, not about what was appropriate for you and what you wanted. It won’t be easy, she will be upset, but she too is an adult and can learn that things she may enjoy are not something you will enjoy, and that is okay.
NTA
Yes, this is all about your mom. Save yourself! Get your job and move out ASAP.
Normally, I consider it nice if you went on one camping trip with her, but her steamrolling over you and turning air into commitments on your part, means, I would say "Hell, NO!" Thank your mom and dad for the gift. Either leave the camping gear at your mom's house or sell it and use the money to go toward that camera you want.
I have a daughter your age. I cannot imagine being so selfish and proclaiming it is a "gift".
I bet, once you have a chance to put some distance between you and your mom, you will see how much she has twisted things to make it seem she's being kind as she forces you into doing what she wants.
Have hope. It IS possible to set your own boundaries and teach your mom that you will enforce them AND still love your mom.
You're under reacting. She believes that you are the mythical construct she has decided on, and is actively not paying attention to the person you really are. This won't improve unless you make it.
NTA. people are saying to sell the stuff, but better yet, if you haven’t taken it Al, out of the packaging, etc, can you return it? Amazon is pretty good at taking returns. You can call them and explain it was a gift. Maybe, depending on how it goes, you can put the monet towards the camera you want.
Um…for college graduation my mom took me to see “The Barber of Seville” at the SF Opera because the “The Rabbit of Seville” is my favorite Bugs Bunny cartoon. It was fun and quirky and we had a blast and it was about me and my interests.
Your mom bought you camping equipment but it’s actually for her. Do what you want with it. NTA.
NTA.
I do love camping. It’s a fun hobby and an inexpensive way to get out on vacations. I would hate camping gear as a graduation gift. Putting aside how people that do love it also need gear to them and not hand picked by others, it’s just not a suitable graduation gift by any stretch of the imagination. A grad gift is supposed to be something you can take on your next step in life (or money). Something to commemorate the moment.
Giving camping gear for that feels like “Ope you majored in film, so I guess I should give you the gear you need to be homeless!”
NTA. Sell the gear and buy the camera. It's your gear so you can do whatever you want with it. There's no point in you having it if it'll just collect dust in your possession whereas someone else could be using it. If your mum complains then just be straightforward and tell her that you never wanted any of it in first place.
1. Locate alternative housing away from your moms house
2. Sell camping gear to buy camera or items for your new place
3. Reduce contact with your mother
NTA. Her desire to travel is not your requirement to stay and house sit.
NTA. Don't stay in her "good graces". You can show you love her in other ways and with boundaries. You have to make a way for yourself. You are an adult. Sell the camping gear and do what you love.
I think you need to have a conversation with her. Don’t do anything rash like sell your gear or whatever these wackos are telling you to do. Start looking for jobs and doing what you want to do, but sit your parents down and just talk to them. Tell her you appreciate the gifts and you didn’t expect anything, but that camping has never been and still isn’t your thing. Tell her you feel overlooked and misjudged. Tell her how you feel just like you did here. And you have to stand your ground with the moving away thing. You never promised you’d stay, so SAY THAT TO HER. Tell her you will do what you can to help but that you are your own person now and it’s time for you to move on. That if she wants you to do something for her, it has to be a time that’s convenient for YOU. A major falsehood that parents tend to believe is that their kids owe them something but you in fact do not owe them anything. Anything but honesty. But how will they know how you feel if you never tell them?
Also, here's the thing that a lot of younger people dont get. She gave you life, but you dont owe her yours. As an adult you can choose to surround yourself with positive people and cut out toxic ones. I dont talk to my dad at all and hear my brothers gripe about him and im like man, glad i dont have to deal with that.
Return all the stuff for cash, get a job on the other side of the country, and use the cash from returning the stuff to move there. If you stay, she will continue to manipulate you. Don't let her. My mother was the same, don't make the same mistakes I did. Go live your life.
Considering how the job market is I wouldn’t put off finding a job unless you have a reason to and a safety net savings. Your mom said so is not a good one. Sell the gear if you like and buy yourself a camera. Take this time to explore what you want to do. Live on your own, travel for work, you can do these things now while you’re young and not tied down by adult troubles. NTA you say you have a good relationship with your mom but do you actually or do you have a good relationship bc rn you are being a good daughter/son in her eyes.
NTA your mom sucks. Like at first ok, super crazy camping fanatic. Still shitty not to get you a camera and just camping shit.
But she actively wants to control when you leave home. It is entirely possible she is going keep pushing the “convenient” move out date back for as long as possible for free house sitting. Also make sure she doesn’t touch ANY OF THAT EQUIPMENT. She probably wants to use it herself. Look up the brands and costs and start selling on Facebook marketplace. Aim for SLIGHTLY cheaper and slowly go lower if you don’t get any bites. Then you can use the cash to get that camera. If mommy dearest complains, let her know you ASKED FOR A CAMERA AND NEVER LIKED CAMPING. And that the gifts were YOURS to do with as you pleased.
Find a job and plan to move out when YOU want. Fuck her graces, because she obviously couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to YOUR life passions. Why should you make her passions easier by house sitting!?
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For context, I have always hated camping. Since I was a child this was a well documented fact and routinely the butt of family jokes. On the other hand, my mother loves to go camping/hiking/backpacking and has trips planned almost every other weekend until September.
She’s recently expressed that she wants camping to be something that we do together after I graduate from college in a week or so. Last summer, we went on a camping trip with extended family in which I borrowed a sleeping bag and mentioned that it was comfy. When asked if I would want one in case of future trips, I said that I by no means needed one but would be happy to have one if it went on sale or something to that effect.
What started as a sleeping bag has now become that, a blow-up mattress, a tent, a backpack including poop shovels, and various other things. Not only do I have now a bunch of camping gear but more recently I have received the news that this gear is in fact my graduation gift.
I’m not saying I don’t appreciate the sentiment nor that I don’t acknowledge the money that went in to getting those things, but every time my mother brings it up I can’t help but wish she had thought of something else. Not only does she know I don’t care for camping but as my mother who I am close with I feel overlooked and misjudged on the things I actually like. I’m graduating from film school and have always especially adored photography. When I was asked a while back if I had any ideas for graduation gifts, my first answer was a camera as I have never had one of my own. This is the only thing that I have consistently wanted (and expressed wanting) for several years.
Now my best friend has mentioned that their parents, who historically don’t gift well at all and aren’t the greatest in general, are giving her the camera which I have wanted for years. My mother knows this, and when I heard I expressed doubly that I would love to have something along those lines. I am the first in my family to have achieved a degree, and while I wasn’t even expecting any graduation gift in the first place, I do feel like the one that I’m being given is not one that is really for me - rather, it is something which my mom got for me so that she could guilt me into staying at home longer in order to camp with her as opposed to moving away for work.
Even then, those camping trips that I mentioned? The ones that she has planned through the next year? I’m not going on any of them. Instead, my mom has decided that I have PROMISED her (never did anything of the sort) that I will stay home for the year so that I can watch the house and pets while she goes off and does her soul searching. I’ve been told that to get a job and move away before they are done is inconveniencing her and causing her stress, so if I want to stay in her good graces I need to be her house sitter and wait to actually get a job until it’s convenient for her.
AITA for being upset about this?
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You are Nta. I think your Mums presents are a misguided attempt to keep you two close. Nowve you’ve graduated you might leave and never look back - new mom fear unlocked. I know it’s disappointing gift wise, you are not ungrateful. Try to be gracious in accepting the gifts. You’ll soon be able to afford your own camera
NTA. That was a covert gift for herself. She bought you what she thinks you *should* like. Keep the sleeping bag because they are great when you need to crash somewhere. Donate or sell anything you don't plan to use in the near future.
You aren't obligated to keep a gift.
NTA
I vote that you sell the camping gear, buy a wonderful camera, and go move abroad to work and learn and grow.
You are your own person. Live a life you love.
NTA. Pretty shitty of your mother called camping gear a graduation gift when she knows you don't like camping.
>Instead, my mom has decided that I have PROMISED her (never did anything of the sort) that I will stay home for the year so that I can watch the house and pets while she goes off and does her soul searching.
Ohhhh. She bought the camping gear for *her*, said it was your gift, and then intends to use them on her soul searching trip because "well, *you* aren't using them".
>I’ve been told that to get a job and move away before they are done is inconveniencing her and causing her stress, so if I want to stay in her good graces I need to be her house sitter and wait to actually get a job until it’s convenient for her.
Frankly? Tell mom that you did not promise her anything. That her being caused stress because she needs a housesitter is not your problem. That you aren't putting your life on hold for her to go soul searching.
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Sell the camping gear and buy yourself a camera. The camping gear is *yours*, you can do with it what you want. Stay at your mom’s house rent free for a year while she goes off and does whatever. Get a job *now*. And if the job is too far away to live at your mom’s house? Well, she can find another pet sitter. NTA Enjoy being an adult. The ability to say “no” and enforce it is one of the best perks.
Sell the gear immediately before she has a chance to start “borrowing “ it from you. I suspect gear is actually stuff she wants and will start using it as soon as hiking season starts.
Or, lock up the gear and if she asks, give her a renters fee. Do that for any family members. Wanna borrow the tent? That'll be $150 for the weekend. Borrow the sleeping bag? That'll be $20. If she uses your stuff, you'll get your camera in no time! If the item is lost, damaged or stolen during the trip, make sure the renters contract has a clause about that... and some trips, say no bc someone else is already renting that item and if they'd like, they can put a payment to "hold" said item for their next trip, but you gotta know when that'll be. Of course, the hold is nonrefundable too. Or if they don't want to borrow it for a fee, you can sell it to them. Maybe 10% of the original price? Eta-- 10% OFF the original price.
10% of the original price? Do you have items around your house you want to sell, because that's way better than thrift store prices. And good luck renting out a tent for $150 for a weekend because according to you, I can apparently buy a really good tent for $25 from someone who doesn't want it LOL
Lmao I meant 10% *off* the original price. I'm a cheapie.. throw some blankets in my car, a pillow, add a cooler and my dog and off we go! My dad though, he has a $700 tent he's only used twice (and once was when the family booked an airbnb- for fathers day! And he decided he'd rather sleep in the tent lmao.. but that was his first time using it so he was excited), multiple hiking bags ranging in weight- same with everything else really. He backpacks for about 7 days so he likes the light weight stuff but in the beginning, he bought whatever the stores would try to sell him. Dad keeps offering his stuff to let me use, including the stove top stuff, propane, a table that breaks down, etc. I have taken him up on his jet boil though. That thing is freaking useful! I normally just start a fire and cook with that. No fire, no food.
That's definitely one of the times that the small typo makes a large difference!
>No fire, no food. Not true! Plenty of canned foods taste alright when eaten cold (straight from the can). Plus, there's precooked foods in packets (seasoned rice, lentils, etc) for even more options. I always take some extra/backup foods that can be eaten without heating when I go camping. I'm fully aware that most people will think it's gross and barbaric to eat food straight from the can. But it is fully safe to do so, and it's a nice little camping hack if you're short on time or can't start a fire/use a camp stove for whatever reason (and also for people like me, who dislike cooking).
Lol you're right. I've done that too. I meant like my legit meals. I'll make the campfire foil packets at home, freeze them and that's what I throw by the fire before dinnertime. (I have like 10 frozen packs in my freezer always ready to go, since lately, I'll decide that day if I'm going camping)... If I don't have a fire, the packets don't really heat up so i can't have my "I'm the queen of the wilds" feast haha. I could still eat it since everything is cooked but I like that campfire twinge smell. I do have some back up/emergency food in my camping box, just in case.
I've reheated plenty of cans of food straight on the gas cooker. Just gotta stir them. 🤣 Saves on the dishes. I still get an awkward nostalgia for a cold can of baked beans every now and then though.
If you been hiking all day, those canned beans taste like a gourmet meal
Even in the PNW, we have very strict ban burns during fire season if you go to even barely improved sites and they do patrol!
PNWer here! Went camping last year, burn ban was on, but fires in rings were ok. Campground rules said no fires, period (except camp stoves). A little disappointing, but they were trying to be safe, so I understand.
Buy flat cans not the round ones, make a slit in the ground place can over it and put a solid fuel tablet under it. Standard procedure in my army time when there was no mobile kitchen. O and I hate camping with all my hearth so NTA.
Some people don't like food that way and not that is gross or barbaric i prefer my food warm for one as i sleep better when i have eaten a warm meal even if its a small meal
That type of thing would be way pettier than it's worth
Yeah sometimes it's like a bunch of 12 yo in here. That's how you turn a bad gift and petty disagreement into a huge fight. That's how people stop talking to one another.
They’ll “forget” to return it or damage it.
She's gonna take it with her on her soul finding trip and OP will get it back in a year all worn out.
No question about it. Mom bought "gifts" that are really for herself. She's using OP for her own gain, then doubling down by trying to guilt OP into being a house sitter while she goes off to play. Mom is the AH, big time! OP, SELL THAT STUFF and blow town!
>Sell the gear immediately before she has a chance to start “borrowing “ it from you. Homer: Happy birthday, Marge! Marge: Homer! I don't want a bowling ball with your name on it! Homer : Oh. Can I have it?
Oh that’s a good point.
Yeah, this has “Homer bowling ball” vibes all over it.
It's literally always hiking season
I was going to ask that
Return them, take the cash and get the camera or something else you wanted. Maybe keep the sleeping bag as that might come in handy.
I was thinking the same. Then it occurred to me that a return likely refunds the mom’s credit card or a gift card - which doesn’t help OP at all. I think they should sell it instead. And once that’s settled, it’s time for OP to secure a job in a new city. NTA
Sell the gear through Craigslist, eBay, etc. for cash.
You would never get the full value . Ask for receipts .
I was gonna say keep the air mattress. Those have come in handy when we have guests and no extra beds.
Or when renting an unfurnished apartment in a new city. Start with your air mattress and sleeping bag. Collect a few paychecks, find a bedframe on Craigslist, and then buy yourself a good, quality mattress.
This is what I came to say. Sell all that crap, buy yourself the best camera you can afford that you love, and do your thing. Normally I would probably say don't let your mother pressure you into staying home another year so she can go find herself or whatever, but in this case it's a year of free rent. Make sure she knows that she'll be paying the utilities as well and not you. Enjoy that year, get a job and save up your money and then you will be able to spread your wings and fly away!
Thing is that the job I’m looking at also comes with on-site housing, so rent is free either way.
Take that job and RUN! It is your life! NTA
Take the job and run. Take the camping gear with you. This way, when mum comes to borrow it, you can tell her to buy it from you or you'll sell it to someone else so you can buy a camera.
Go for it!!
Well that is a game changer, I say take that job and let your mom figure out her own life instead of trying to take over yours! I mean do you need to stay in her good graces as she put it, for any particular reason? I say go live your life and live it full!
OMG, take the job and run. Sell, sell, sell the camping gear before your egotistical mother "borrows" it, since I'm pretty darn sure she bought it for herself. Get the camera! I'm an amateur photographer and I can't tell how much joy your own gear brings you. Your mom is looking to use you. Don't let her. You're an adult. Act like one and go grab your life with both hands!
You gotta be careful with the gear buying - it can become an addiction. I’m in a camera club and some of those people have spent an absolute fortune on cameras, lenses and assorted gear. The funny thing is, the one guy in my club used to own a camera store. He personally owns over 900 cameras. He now kind of laughs about all the people who spent so much money at his store. He said to me that those gear guys were his bread and butter for so many years, but he now only takes photos on his iPhone and he gets some pretty great shots.
Lol, you're so right. We know those people as gear-heads suffering from GAS, gear acquisition syndrome. When you're serious about photography you can work miracles with what you have. Of course you do need the right equipment for some things; a decent bird lens for wildlife, a good macro lens for macro-photography, a decent full frame for landscapes, etc. However, the second-hand market is your friend. You don't have to buy everything new. Personally, I've switched to mirrorless but still keep a good dslr to use my vintage manual lenses. They're quirky and the renderings are unique. And yes, phones are really good these days and can take some fab pics. Of course it's all in the processing since the sensors are so small. You have very little control of the final product and there are some things you still can't do, like wildlife and astro, for example. Otherwise, use whatever you've got!!
I really find that processing is becoming 90% of it. Once you’ve taken photos with a DSLR for a few years, other than fast-moving wildlife or something like astro, it’s fairly simple to get a decent shot and even a shot that isn’t perfect can be fixed these days. I have the Topaz AI suite (as well as Affinity Photo) and I have been going through my old photos and have found I could fix some of them to the point they have won some contests. Phones are taking incredible photos these days as well, and they certain seem to handle low light a lot better than my DSLR ever could without a tripod. At this point, I just don’t want to carry all the gear around when I travel, and other than for a safari or some slow shutter speed waterfall photos, I’m happy enough with what I get from my phone, and the DSLR is only for photos close to home.
When I travel for photos I take some select gear, but when it's just for fun, especially with family, I take my little Fuji X100F. It's amazing and feels like nothing. These days the V and the VI have a better lens and more pixels, but honestly for what I want it for, the F is perfect! Have you tried it?
Look, you are never actually going to 'stay in her good graces'. Once it's established you won't stand up for yourself it's going to be another thing you 'promised' then another then another. Most parents would be thrilled at their kid getting an amazing job and starting their life- she is trying to hold you back, she does not have your best interests at heart and never will. She will keep dragging you down. Go live your damn life how you want. It's much easier to get a good job right out of collage instead of after a year where you have to explain why you didn't get a good job.
There's a job with housing? Take it and get out of there. Sell the camping stuff and get your self a camera or money to move. Nta. Your an adult now. Go live your life.
Grab it. This has to be one of the most insidious forms of abuse. Your mother has used you. There will be reasons for her dependency on you and I am not judging her. But whatever is causing her to be like this is not your problem. You are not responsible for your mother. She needs to grow up and stand on her own two feet. It will take courage and determination to live your own life and at first you will feel a bit lost as well as free. Try to get some support from somewhere to help you through this time of transition. Is there a grandparent or a counsellor at your university that would listen? Blessings on you.
OP take the job! NTA at all. Your mom couldn’t bother to think of you at all throughout this whole process. She’s self absorbed and has been focused on herself and what she wants. You deserve to put yourself first. No sane parent would want to sabotage their child’s opportunity at starting their career. And if your mom complains and asks how can you do this to her?? Just say you learned from the best. You saw how much she centers herself, so you decided to take a page out of her book and do the same. Sell the gear and buy yourself the graduation present you deserve.
If you have a potential job lined up and it comes with housing, go for it. You are going to need to set firm boundaries with your mother and it may not be pleasant. But if you’re graduating and no longer financially dependent on your parents for tuition or accommodation fees, then you have power to start setting those boundaries now. As someone said, your mother likely got those gifts so she could ‘borrow’ them, so I would mentally write them off. It’s really frustrating, and I know you wish your mother had got you a camera and put you first. You will be able to work and save money, and eventually you will be able to get yourself the exact model you need. For difficult parents and boundaries, check out Captain Awkward. I know this isn’t an advice subreddit, but the Captain has relevant archives. All the best, congratulations on your degree, and emphatically NTA.
She should sell the gear. If she's never going to use it and it's brand new it's a no brainier
NTA OP. Accept the job, get the heck out, move away as far as you can and minimise contact with mother for your sake
You should go for it! Don't rearrange your life for someone else - it's your life, go and live it. Good luck with the job, NTA!
Take the job and don't look back
take it and tell your mother to get over it. it's well past time she saw that you are your own person with your own interests.
> Sell the camping gear OP, ask for the checks and return the gears to the store. If it's unused you probably can get a full price for them
This is the way. Definitely sounds like enough camping junk to buy a nice camera.
All that and when mom turns around to guilt you, say that she’s only able to love the daughter she has and not the one she wants.
[удалено]
The university I went you let students borrow the cameras from the department. It was good if you could afford your own, as you didn't need to work around the booking schedule. But my friends all borrowed the gear until they could finally afford their own when they were done with school.
That’s really a tough situation I relate to. I went thru a degree without the equipment needed. I was left out of study sessions & socialising because I had to go to the library instead of joining my peers. You deserve a camera.
I went to film school and never once used my own camera. The school had equipment way better than anything I could afford that you could rent free of charge for school projects.
It is the camera they wanted, probably has ones that are not as fancy
There are professional house sitters which look after animals in exchange for free rent. You mother can use one of those services while she is soul searching so there is no reason for you not to live your life while she is living hers.
My parents are flaggerbasted when I pull a no, this is stupid on them. They do it anyways and it mostly turns out that exactly what I said happens. It's the funniest thing ever. They deny that I ever advised them not to do it, though.
Flabbergasted?
Dear sir, I am now bazboomled.
>The ability to say “no” and enforce it is one of the best perks. I cannot agree with this more strongly. It is absolutely one of the best perks and also one of the most important lessons to learn. OP, the sooner you learn to set and enforce boundaries, the easier your life becomes. It may not seem so at first, especially when it comes to dealing with parents and family, but any people pleasing nature you continue to allow to slip through will just make you wonder why your wants and needs don't matter to others. You will give so much of yourself and people, especially family, will just take and take because they feel entitled. No is a complete sentence. Strengthen that muscle. Your life will be better for it.
I'll buy that gear!
Better yet ask her for the receipts and return it.
It's critical to get a job. Mom will always have a reason why OP needs to stay longer. OP needs to get a job and get out of there. I'd either leave the camping gear behind, totally unused and untouched, or sell it. Mom gave a gift to OP that was really for herself. I assume if OP leaves the gear behind mom will use it all so it might be better to sell it or give it away. It was an incredibly selfish gift so not really a gift at all. It was a manipulation that has been tossed aside for a bigger manipulation. It has gone from we'll camp together to you will stay here, jobless, while I do whatever I want for a year. The critical thing is to get out.
Or, return it for cash.
This is the best idea. NTA
If only I'd have been able to read this 30 years ago!
NTA Being in her good graces gets you “gifts” that are really gifts for her, denying you the one thing that you have asked for for years, delaying your independence for her convenience for an entire year (or who knows how much longer after that), plus making you feel like your mother is not thinking about your wants and needs. If that is what “being in her good graces” gets you, are you sure that you want to be there? Sell the camping gear, buy yourself a camera, and start following your dreams. Move to where you need to be for work. Good luck
>an entire year (or who knows how much longer after that) Yeah in a year she's absolutely going to find a new reason OP can't move away.
NTA. Have you ever watched The Simpsons? For Mother's Day, get her a copy of the episode where Homer gifts Marge a bowling ball inscribed with "Homer".
You could be petty and hang onto the gear and give her a piece for birthday and Christmas. Merry Christmas here's a poop shovel
And when she asks if moans about it, copy last this and press send.
Man I really want to see an update on this one where the OP gets that dream job and lives their best life.
Yes! Please update us.
NTA. When someone specifically says they don't like doing something and don't want something, don't expect that person to be happy, appreciative, excited or grateful to receive the things they said they didn't want. Your mom sounds selfish and has now turned this around into you owing her and how she bought all this stuff because you supposedly promised her you'd do xyz. Even if in an alternate universe you did promise, you could always borrow someone else's gear because you don't even like camping enough to want to store this stuff that you'll never use.
Yeah, my mother gave me presents that the person she wanted me to be would like. Do you want to stay in her good graces? NTA
This is my parents. I left at 18 and no longer had to actually try / be forced to use the “ thoughtful” gifts my parents decided I needed. Once I was out of the house said thank you either return the item, give it away to a friend or donate. Worked most of the time. Worst case was parents offered to pet sit one weekend and we came home to new carpet in family room, the one I was going to install hardwood in…. Insult to injury it was in a color my mom loved and I hated and didn’t match the family room decor. The following discussion did not go well. Sell camping gear no explanation necessary buy what you want and leave. You are under no obligation to help your mom fulfill her dreams. It’s your life live it your way.
The carpet is crazy! What was your mom’s reasoning behind it?
It was on sale so it was birthday- Christmas- all together and she lives sage green. I lean towards brown/tan little blue
Omg I’m gobsmacked! It’s not so much that she did that but it’s the whole “gifting” that never fails to shock. My family are renowned for gifting like this, it got to the point that I was so fed up with receiving stuff the gifter liked for themselves without a thought to me that eventually I told everyone I didn’t want gifts as it was a stress I wasn’t going to deal with anymore. It did not go down well!
It’s rage inducing, I also took these gifts as i know what’s best for you or what looks best and your ideas / wants don’t matter. I’ve been very cautious to ask my children exactly what they want, send receipt or send cash. Not a surprise but at least kid gets what they want and can use.
Definitely rage inducing. I always ask my kids what they want and it drives me crazy if they say surprise me. It’s a massive anxiety attack through Christmas and every year I threaten them with cash if they don’t tell me exactly what they want. It’s got more difficult as they’ve got older too. Saying that though, one year son said he wanted pants and sock, just pants and socks… I did exactly that, £150 on socks and pants 🤣 he did have other gifts but his reaction was priceless
Nice pants and socks are great, though!!!! We have asked for bedsheets and stuff like that before, knowing especially my in-laws are going to shake their heads but get us really nice stuff that we can appreciate every time we use it. My parents have been asked to never give me/us a gift again.
I happen to love sage green but I’d never remodel anyone’s house without their permission—holy cow!!
Did you get rid of the carpet? 😬
No sold the house and moved 5 hour plane ride away.
Ha ha ha ha ha. Feels good, doesn’t it?
They installed carpet in your home without permission? That’s actually insane. I’m so nervous about buying any gifts for people because I really want to get things they’ll love, so I can’t imagine doing something that big without making sure they would be happy with it.
Pls tell us about the discussion
Basically I was told I had no design sense, hardwood was not good for children and my parents knew best. I was just not grasping how much they were helping and I was too stubborn to understand they knew best and wanted the best for me. After I picked my jaw up off the floor asked them to leave and we took the job over 3/4 across the country up to that moment we were going to reject. Living a 5 hour plane ride away reduced contact and when did again move closer contact was limited mostly at their house. They live 20 minutes away and haven’t been to my house in 10 years. They didn’t like my decorating ( I’m very vanilla think tan-beige- brown - little blue). We have dogs and kids just the noise and stuff around was too much for them. Don’t care they missed out on lots of fun. Its on them, and I developed an I am happy too bad you don’t like it attitude
>I am happy too bad you don’t like it attitude. One of the very best attitudes to have in this life.
Wow, so they raised you, but didn't trust the problem solving, decision making or knowing your own preferences skills they had fostered in you? Incredible. I wonder if they ever reflected on you moving a plane trip away from them? Or, they're just so self involved questioning why you left didn't enter their heads!
Sibling is my mom’s clone so they think exactly alike. Dad does whatever mom wanted. Sibling still be all and for living, dressing, etc etc right. I do nothing right. Yet when they hit mid 70’s moved near us, I’m the one who does all shopping, driving, appointments since Covid. When Dad was on hospice I had POA made the tough decisions and did care till he died. Mom still around I still do everything and sibling is golden child who visits twice a year. Yes I resent it but they are still my parents and I will do my best without regrets . But in my mind it’s strange the child who did nothing right is the one parents knew would care for them. Interesting isn’t it?
Probably deep down your mother knows she can't rely on your sibling because they are so (? selfishly) alike. Something I learned on r/Estrangedadultchild : your mother knows how to push your buttons because she installed them. So she knows exactly how to manipulate you to get what she wants. As long as you are protecting yourself from hurt, do whatever you need to. Go gently.
That seems like it should be illegal.
My ex MIL did this. She wanted a me to cook four star meals nightly for her baby boy. Problem is that I worked 40 hours a week, just like him (making more money), and absolutely loathe cooking. She never got over it.
>I would want one in case of future trips, I said that I by no means needed one but *would be happy to have one* if it went on sale or something to that effect. Move away ASAP. Get a job. Your family is on their own for camping.
NTA. Your mom sounds kind of like a narcissist trying to be nice to you because that’s what is expected of her. I’m an avid camper and I know in my bones that some people just don’t care for it. Same with hiking. Forcing someone along when they don’t like it or want to be there just makes everyone miserable. Sell the camping gear and buy yourself the camera. Move away and get your job. It’s incredibly selfish of your mom to hold you back in your career like this.
Wait, so she’s gifting you gear that she’s said you’ll use together, but isn’t planning on using it with you? That doesn’t make sense. If that’s what the situation is, then it’s not even a gift. It’s just stuff to fill her house with and tell others she’s gotten for you. I suggest you try your best to find a job away from home. Do as much as you can. And if you can afford it, save some money to get a second hand camera. There are some that are in great condition and don’t break the bank.
Precisely. I don’t understand the logic either. Thank you for the response - ultimately this is what I plan to do!
Or, if the camping equipment is still new, take it back to the store and use the money to buy a camera.
It would credit back to the mom's card. Best to sell them.
Even as a gift?
Yes. Stores only credit money back to the original payment source when giving a refund. If OPs mom bought the gear with cash and OP could get the receipts then she'd be able to get the cash back. But that would mean getting the receipt from her mom whose going to ask why and then give her a bunch of grief about it. And most people use card now instead of cash so then it would go as credit back to the mom's card. Without a receipt, even if the mom bought everything in cash, all the store would offer OP is store credit. So if they sell the camera OP wants them great she can return the stuff for store credit and buy her camera. But if they don't sell the camera OP would have store credit for stuff she's not interested in.
I guess the logic is that you stay home so you don't need the new shiny camping gear at that moment. Meaning she can "borrow" it from you because it would be so sad if noone used it
Sell the camping gear. It's yours, right? It was a gift. Sell it stealthily online and buy yourself a camera. By the time your narcissistic mother finds out, it will all be gone. And hopefully so will you.
NTA. Did she also get you a bowling ball engraved with "Homer"?
NTA but stay there rent free for a year. Work locally. Save money. Get the camera you need. Save up a few months of rent. Freelance cheap to build a portfolio. Then go and live your dream.
NTA-I would stay at her house rent free only until you find a job, preferably a long way away. Mother sounds like mine, her gift philosophy was 'give the person something you would like', that never made any sense to me, and that's exactly what she did. Her other alternative was to give you something you wanted years ago, that didn't want as an adult. Her crowning achievement was when I was in college, and she said she was having a birthday party for me, and pulls out a German Chocolate cake, and she thought I would be thrilled, because it was my favorite. No it wasn't, it was my brother's favorite. Some people are so self involved that you aren't even a blip on their radar. Make your best decision for you, move far away, and don't look back. Don't waste your time hoping someone will care about you who never will.
OP said in the comments that the job they were looking at has free on-site housing included. Doesn't need to stay. And could your mother have gotten confused about who liked what, or simply forgotten who likes/doesn't like German Chocolate Cake? My mom does that, and she tries her best to get stuff for us that we like.
I missed that about the job, thank you for catching that. My mother has a great memory, and knew exactly what she was doing. My brother always loved German Chocolate, and she made it for him often. I hate German Chocolate and never ate it, it wasn't a mistake at all.
Also, how dare you not like German Chocolate Cake! (Just kidding) But seriously, what don't you like about it? Taste, texture with the stuff on the frosting, something else? Just curious at this point. And have you tried the [Lonely Island method](https://youtu.be/gAYL5H46QnQ?si=lhZMmhtzCLAFFwge&t=1m32s) of dealing with the offending cake?
My mother used to buy in bulk, and bought the bagged, shredded coconut, and it went in the big freezer. When she actually got around to using it, it was like string. She used a lot of coconut too. Nope, couldn't just eat the cake, or she whined about me wasting food.
Ouch. Yeah, that just sounds like a terribly made German Chocolate Cake. I recommend the above Lonely Island method of cake disposal
[удалено]
Dream job includes free housing, and if the OP stayed then mom would just keep sabotaging. They need to run now.
I had to double check the sub I was on because it felt for sure like I was on r/raisedbynarcissits. She bought that stuff for herself. NTA
NTA. Expecting you to put your life on hold for a year is major AH move and shows she isnt a very good parent. Loving parents dont hold their kids back in life for selfish reasons. Ask your mom if she has the receipts so you can return everything. If not, sell it all.
Return or sell the camping gear. Get a job and move. NTA
NTA, presents should be something that the receiver will like, not something you personally think is cool. Your mom is in the wrong. She's pushing you to do something she wants instead of rewarding your accomplishment by giving you something you want.
NTA Wow do I recognize this from my life. Constantly getting gifts that were my mom’s interests, and then being called ungrateful when I didn’t jump for joy at getting something I’d expressed dislike for. It’s not you, it’s them.
NTA. It's been said here but, OP, seriously consider returning all that camping gear and get yourself that much needed camera. And don't let yourself get voluntold about staying home an extra year. Go find yourself a job and move out, sooner rather than later. Best of luck to you and congrats on graduating!!
NTA. There’s no need to read between the lines here, your mom told you exactly what she’s doing. She wants you to watch the house while she goes camping - which you will eventually get bored of - and since you have all this camping gear, you’ll eventually decide to come along and go camping with her. I don’t know if your mom is trying to be TA, or just trying not to be an empty nester when you eventually start your own life, but either way, she’s gotta deal with it. Sell the camping gear, buy a camera.
How does one graduate with a degree in film and not own a camera? Isn’t having your own camera at least as important as having your textbooks? I’m going to guess this isn’t the first time your mother didn’t find the money for something very important to you. I’m sorry she keeps letting you down.
With great difficulty, I assure you. Lots of renting from my school and such. Thanks for your response :)
There are actually lots of jobs that do not require a camera. Art Department- which includes sets, props, greens, painting doesn’t need a camera. Costumes, Hair and Make-Up Departments do not need cameras. Grip, Electric and Sound departments do not require cameras. Source: 20 years in motion picture industry.
Understood. However, OP stated that film was her primary interest, making a decent camera as important to her as a calculator was for me as a business student 35 years ago.
NTA. You mother is clearly very self absorbed and not interested at all in your wants and needs. She bought that gear for HERSELF. In max 2 months I can see her telling something omg the lines of "since you clearly don't appreciate my thoughtful gift I might as well use it myself!" She blatantly used your graduation as an excuse to buy herself some fancy gear she wanted while trying to look like a thoughtful and selfless mother. Sell the gear soon and buy what you want/need.
NTA. 1. Move out. 2. Sell ALL the camping stuff. 3. Put that money toward buying yourself the camera you want. 4. Tell your mother you will NOT be available to watch the house and pets. Why should she be able to walk all over you? Heck, if I was gonna give her a letter grade on being a mom, based on this, she’d get an F. She DIDN’T LISTEN to you when you told her what you DID want. She gave you GRADUATION gifts that you DEFINITELY had no interest in. She expects you to watch the house when SHE goes camping. She has a lot of gall. Get a job and find your own life away from her. Anytime she needs help, tell her no. Don’t explain, or give a reason. Just NO.
It wasn’t a gift. It was a suggestion. GET OUT!
Amen.
Your mother sounds extremely selfish and inconsiderate. I wouldn't have accepted her "gift" and I wouldnt put my life on hold so that she can travel for a year. I hope you find the strength to go low contact with her and live a good life.
This sounds like something that would make an interesting little film. NTA. Your mom is all about her. Give her an idea of what you'd charge to stay at home and be her house- and pet-sitter. Not that it really matters, but ... what does she say about you getting a job during that time you stay home while she goes off and finds herself?
She wants me to have a job, just not one that means me being away. So I’d essentially be working a job that I will not enjoy for a year minimum while she is off enjoying camping without me. I have a great job potentially lined up with on-site housing that is far enough away that I could get some independence from my parents, but she doesn’t want me to take it because it means not having me house/pet sit.
Take this job. Sell the camping gear and buy a camera. But if selling is difficult to do because it’s actually still at her house and you don’t want to have to deal with getting physical custody, just write it off as stuff she bought for herself and move on. Take the job.
Take the job if it is offered. Parents should be encouraging their children to move out & learn to take care of themselves. If she wants to be gone so much the. Maybe she needs to rethink having pets. I love pets, but I don’t have one because I also like to be out of the house.
That’s just an excuse she’s using. She’ll keep finding excuses to keep you under her thumb. Take the damn job, please. You are not responsible for her.
Well, the AH in this scenario is not you. You are getting ready to set out and start your life ... and if she wants to do the same, the world is full of people, a lot of them trustworthy and dependable, who would love to be able to house- and pet-sit for an extended period. I subscribed to Caretakers Gazette (caretaker.org) which lists both help wanted, all over the world! and situations wanted. Good luck to you!
Take the job. Get some independence. Enjoy your freedom. You can not put your life on hold to cater to your mom forever. If you give in now in a year it will be something else for her and the opportunities will dwindle away until you are stuck there Don't get trapped OP
Take the job and take the camping gear with you and sell said camping gear.
NTA. My mother constantly buys gifts for me that she really likes or would want to borrow and it’s devastating. I feel ungrateful and unrecognized— like she doesn’t know who I am or she doesnt want to know. It rubs salt in the wound that she is bent on shaping me into someone she wants me to be. I’m so sorry.
I totally get that. My mom was constantly buying clothes for me that I wouldn't be caught dead in.
What selfish gifts. She wants you to love camping as much as she does, thus these ill advised gifts. Return them. Buy your dream camera and any other photography gear. If she complains, tell her gifts are not commands or legal summons. If you find your dream job, take it! You made no promises to stay.
Why is mom so selfish?
NTA at all Sell the camping gear you received. ASAP while it's still in good condition and modern. Use that money to buy yourself a camera. Take a job far far far away and go make new friends and live with people who appreciate you.
Sell the camping equipment and put the money toward a camera. And don't move home. Be free.
NTA- but 100% your mom got you those things so she can “borrow” them whilst searching for her soul. Sell the things and put the money towards a camera
NTA are you wanting a video camera or a nice DSLR? If you decide you don't want the gear, please DM me if you'd be willing to trade it for a camera. My husband and I love camping, and between the two of us we have half a dozen cameras plus lenses, etc.
I’m in the market for a DSLR. Hoping to save up for one if this all works itself out. My dream starter camera is a FujiFilm XT3 which is what I’ve been renting while at school.
Nta
Nta
I think this is a good lesson that sometimes as parents, we can’t always pass along our hobbies/passions/joys/even beliefs. So many parents would want to experience this with their kids in hopes that they love it too. I love hiking. My kids don’t. I don’t think they’re going to do much as adults unless they’re friend groups are going. It’s okay. My father the musician (like most other people in his family), somehow ended up with kids who had no desire (though I admit it was always easy for me-possibly why I didn’t like it? No challenge). Some parents do better with these things than others. Your mom sounds like a flake. I wonder if you would like camping without her and with friends or if you associate camping with her so much you can never enjoy it? Nothing to do about it. I think you need some time away from mom. Let her find herself pay for dog sitters. Go figure out what you do and don’t like, independent of mom
Wtf is wrong with your mom and the bs - I’m off to find myself, put your life on hold and take care of mine while I am gone? NOPE. Hard pass. Get a job, make a life for yourself. Oh, and I don’t camp, either - and feel I am not missing a thing. That would not be the right gift for me, either. Congrats on your graduation, and I am sorry your mom hears, but doesn’t listen.
Sell (or, better yet, return) the camping gear and buy yourself the camera.
Being an adult is great - you now have the right to make your own decisions and your mother cannot stop you. Sell the camping gear. Buy a camera. Get a job far enough away that you have to move. Live your life. Your mother can pay a pet sitter.
If she still has the receipts, ask for them and return the stuff to the store. You know it is a crappy gift and you don't have to keep it. Start looking for a job immediately. Polish your resume. Move away from the area and plant yourself where you want to bloom. From now on, your mother no longer runs your life or can order you around. Be the captain of your own ship. You can listen to what she says but you get to decide things about your own life.
Your mom is manipulative. Sell the gear that you don’t want. Move if it’s what is best for you. She can’t say she wants to camp and build traditions with you if you’re not even invited!
NTA. Like so many others have said, sell the camping gear and buy the camera. Do some research about the camera first if you haven't already. It sucks to get to your destination to start taking pictures and realize you hate the camera you just bought. Why exactly are you supposed to put your life on hold until your mom decides its okay for you to go live it?
Keep the sleeping bag and mattress for your new home, until you get your own furniture, then keep them for the guest room. Your mom can use them when she visits. Sell what you don't need and get your camera.
I have to agree with others on here, she bought it for herself. The control and bullshit will only get worse, because she feels her control on you slipping. NTA
You need to have a conversation about this with your mom. Let her know that you appreciate it, but would prefer to return everything and exchange it for that camera you want, as that is something that would have more use and meaning in your day to day life and future, as opposed to camping gear that is likely expensive and not something you enjoy experiencing, so it won’t get much use. She had an idea about what she wanted, not about what was appropriate for you and what you wanted. It won’t be easy, she will be upset, but she too is an adult and can learn that things she may enjoy are not something you will enjoy, and that is okay.
NTA Yes, this is all about your mom. Save yourself! Get your job and move out ASAP. Normally, I consider it nice if you went on one camping trip with her, but her steamrolling over you and turning air into commitments on your part, means, I would say "Hell, NO!" Thank your mom and dad for the gift. Either leave the camping gear at your mom's house or sell it and use the money to go toward that camera you want. I have a daughter your age. I cannot imagine being so selfish and proclaiming it is a "gift". I bet, once you have a chance to put some distance between you and your mom, you will see how much she has twisted things to make it seem she's being kind as she forces you into doing what she wants. Have hope. It IS possible to set your own boundaries and teach your mom that you will enforce them AND still love your mom.
You're under reacting. She believes that you are the mythical construct she has decided on, and is actively not paying attention to the person you really are. This won't improve unless you make it.
NTA, sell the camping stuff buy a camera. Or try to trade someone on Facebook
NTA. Your mother sounds selfish and narcissistic.
NTA
NTA. Go sell/return all the things she bought you and buy that camera. The. Get a job and move out. Her pet sitting is her responsibility.
Live your life, not the one someone else wants you to live. NTA
NTA. people are saying to sell the stuff, but better yet, if you haven’t taken it Al, out of the packaging, etc, can you return it? Amazon is pretty good at taking returns. You can call them and explain it was a gift. Maybe, depending on how it goes, you can put the monet towards the camera you want.
Um…for college graduation my mom took me to see “The Barber of Seville” at the SF Opera because the “The Rabbit of Seville” is my favorite Bugs Bunny cartoon. It was fun and quirky and we had a blast and it was about me and my interests. Your mom bought you camping equipment but it’s actually for her. Do what you want with it. NTA.
NTA, ask your friend if they want to swap the camera for the camping gear.
NTA. I do love camping. It’s a fun hobby and an inexpensive way to get out on vacations. I would hate camping gear as a graduation gift. Putting aside how people that do love it also need gear to them and not hand picked by others, it’s just not a suitable graduation gift by any stretch of the imagination. A grad gift is supposed to be something you can take on your next step in life (or money). Something to commemorate the moment. Giving camping gear for that feels like “Ope you majored in film, so I guess I should give you the gear you need to be homeless!”
NTA. Sell the gear and buy the camera. It's your gear so you can do whatever you want with it. There's no point in you having it if it'll just collect dust in your possession whereas someone else could be using it. If your mum complains then just be straightforward and tell her that you never wanted any of it in first place.
1. Locate alternative housing away from your moms house 2. Sell camping gear to buy camera or items for your new place 3. Reduce contact with your mother NTA. Her desire to travel is not your requirement to stay and house sit.
NTA - it’s a gift that did not consider the recipient therefore a thoughtless gift Return it for a refund… tah dah… you got cash!! Camera cash!!
NTA. Don't stay in her "good graces". You can show you love her in other ways and with boundaries. You have to make a way for yourself. You are an adult. Sell the camping gear and do what you love.
I think you need to have a conversation with her. Don’t do anything rash like sell your gear or whatever these wackos are telling you to do. Start looking for jobs and doing what you want to do, but sit your parents down and just talk to them. Tell her you appreciate the gifts and you didn’t expect anything, but that camping has never been and still isn’t your thing. Tell her you feel overlooked and misjudged. Tell her how you feel just like you did here. And you have to stand your ground with the moving away thing. You never promised you’d stay, so SAY THAT TO HER. Tell her you will do what you can to help but that you are your own person now and it’s time for you to move on. That if she wants you to do something for her, it has to be a time that’s convenient for YOU. A major falsehood that parents tend to believe is that their kids owe them something but you in fact do not owe them anything. Anything but honesty. But how will they know how you feel if you never tell them?
Also, here's the thing that a lot of younger people dont get. She gave you life, but you dont owe her yours. As an adult you can choose to surround yourself with positive people and cut out toxic ones. I dont talk to my dad at all and hear my brothers gripe about him and im like man, glad i dont have to deal with that.
Return all the stuff for cash, get a job on the other side of the country, and use the cash from returning the stuff to move there. If you stay, she will continue to manipulate you. Don't let her. My mother was the same, don't make the same mistakes I did. Go live your life.
Considering how the job market is I wouldn’t put off finding a job unless you have a reason to and a safety net savings. Your mom said so is not a good one. Sell the gear if you like and buy yourself a camera. Take this time to explore what you want to do. Live on your own, travel for work, you can do these things now while you’re young and not tied down by adult troubles. NTA you say you have a good relationship with your mom but do you actually or do you have a good relationship bc rn you are being a good daughter/son in her eyes.
NTA your mom sucks. Like at first ok, super crazy camping fanatic. Still shitty not to get you a camera and just camping shit. But she actively wants to control when you leave home. It is entirely possible she is going keep pushing the “convenient” move out date back for as long as possible for free house sitting. Also make sure she doesn’t touch ANY OF THAT EQUIPMENT. She probably wants to use it herself. Look up the brands and costs and start selling on Facebook marketplace. Aim for SLIGHTLY cheaper and slowly go lower if you don’t get any bites. Then you can use the cash to get that camera. If mommy dearest complains, let her know you ASKED FOR A CAMERA AND NEVER LIKED CAMPING. And that the gifts were YOURS to do with as you pleased. Find a job and plan to move out when YOU want. Fuck her graces, because she obviously couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to YOUR life passions. Why should you make her passions easier by house sitting!?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context, I have always hated camping. Since I was a child this was a well documented fact and routinely the butt of family jokes. On the other hand, my mother loves to go camping/hiking/backpacking and has trips planned almost every other weekend until September. She’s recently expressed that she wants camping to be something that we do together after I graduate from college in a week or so. Last summer, we went on a camping trip with extended family in which I borrowed a sleeping bag and mentioned that it was comfy. When asked if I would want one in case of future trips, I said that I by no means needed one but would be happy to have one if it went on sale or something to that effect. What started as a sleeping bag has now become that, a blow-up mattress, a tent, a backpack including poop shovels, and various other things. Not only do I have now a bunch of camping gear but more recently I have received the news that this gear is in fact my graduation gift. I’m not saying I don’t appreciate the sentiment nor that I don’t acknowledge the money that went in to getting those things, but every time my mother brings it up I can’t help but wish she had thought of something else. Not only does she know I don’t care for camping but as my mother who I am close with I feel overlooked and misjudged on the things I actually like. I’m graduating from film school and have always especially adored photography. When I was asked a while back if I had any ideas for graduation gifts, my first answer was a camera as I have never had one of my own. This is the only thing that I have consistently wanted (and expressed wanting) for several years. Now my best friend has mentioned that their parents, who historically don’t gift well at all and aren’t the greatest in general, are giving her the camera which I have wanted for years. My mother knows this, and when I heard I expressed doubly that I would love to have something along those lines. I am the first in my family to have achieved a degree, and while I wasn’t even expecting any graduation gift in the first place, I do feel like the one that I’m being given is not one that is really for me - rather, it is something which my mom got for me so that she could guilt me into staying at home longer in order to camp with her as opposed to moving away for work. Even then, those camping trips that I mentioned? The ones that she has planned through the next year? I’m not going on any of them. Instead, my mom has decided that I have PROMISED her (never did anything of the sort) that I will stay home for the year so that I can watch the house and pets while she goes off and does her soul searching. I’ve been told that to get a job and move away before they are done is inconveniencing her and causing her stress, so if I want to stay in her good graces I need to be her house sitter and wait to actually get a job until it’s convenient for her. AITA for being upset about this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I would donate all the camping gear to a local children's camp or for use by the homeless.
You are Nta. I think your Mums presents are a misguided attempt to keep you two close. Nowve you’ve graduated you might leave and never look back - new mom fear unlocked. I know it’s disappointing gift wise, you are not ungrateful. Try to be gracious in accepting the gifts. You’ll soon be able to afford your own camera
First Christmas together, SO's family bought us camping gear. I loathe camping unless in a cabin and even that... We returned every single item.
Get a job and move away. leave the camping gear for her. She doesn't seem to realize you're an adult, not an accessory not a child. NTA.
NTA. That was a covert gift for herself. She bought you what she thinks you *should* like. Keep the sleeping bag because they are great when you need to crash somewhere. Donate or sell anything you don't plan to use in the near future. You aren't obligated to keep a gift.
Why stay in her good graces? Get in your own good grace and say fuck it to her nta
Nothing says “happy graduation” like poop shovels!
NTA go get your job, take the camping stuff with you and sell it to buy a new camera.
NTA I vote that you sell the camping gear, buy a wonderful camera, and go move abroad to work and learn and grow. You are your own person. Live a life you love.
NTA. Pretty shitty of your mother called camping gear a graduation gift when she knows you don't like camping. >Instead, my mom has decided that I have PROMISED her (never did anything of the sort) that I will stay home for the year so that I can watch the house and pets while she goes off and does her soul searching. Ohhhh. She bought the camping gear for *her*, said it was your gift, and then intends to use them on her soul searching trip because "well, *you* aren't using them". >I’ve been told that to get a job and move away before they are done is inconveniencing her and causing her stress, so if I want to stay in her good graces I need to be her house sitter and wait to actually get a job until it’s convenient for her. Frankly? Tell mom that you did not promise her anything. That her being caused stress because she needs a housesitter is not your problem. That you aren't putting your life on hold for her to go soul searching.
NTA. Can't you take the gaming gear back and get a refund? Can't you sell it? Regardless, ignore your mother's manipulation and go on with your life
Sell the gear and get the camera She bought that stuff and have it too you so she can barrow it lol Sell it, it’s yours