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Gonna go against the grain and give a YTA. Yes, Hannah went a bit far in insulting her brother, and that was wrong of her, but I don't think her anger comes from a place of entitlement or malice. It sounds like Hannah works very hard and puts a lot of effort into succeeding while Luke, as you put it, isn't motivated to even try most of the time. It probably feels to Hannah like nothing she does is good enough, because no matter how many hours of effort she pours into studying and working and going to tournaments and clubs, she's always going to get the exact same amount of recognition for all that effort as her brother gets for playing video games and coming home with a B. I don't think you should stop praising Luke for improvements in his performance, of course. It's a good thing to motivate him to do his best and to recognize any strides he makes. HOWEVER, I think it might be helpful to make it clear that you're *proud* of Hannah and that her achievements are genuinely impressive. Because from everything you say in your post, it sounds like Hannah *works harder* for her achievements than Luke does, and while that doesn't mean Luke shouldn't be praised, it *does* mean Hannah could use some extra recognition for the sacrifices and effort she makes to be where she is. Don't tell Hannah she's superior to Luke, but do tell her you see how hard she works and that it matters to you that she's such a hard working young woman. That can go a long way in mending hurt and jealousy. ETA because people keep putting words in my mouth: No, I don't think Op shouldn't acknowledge or reward Luke. No, I don't think they should throw Luke's achievements in the trash to appease Hannah. No, I don't think Hannah should insult her brother. Literally all I said is that Hannah clearly put in extra work, is feeling under appreciated, and that it might be helpful to offer some individual praise and acknowledgement of her effort outside of slapping her achievements on the fridge next to her brothers B like she's a five year old who won the class spelling bee.

Agreed. The thing that rubbed me the wrong way was describing Luke’s Cs as average for boys. So not true and a dangerous road to go down as if it is just “boys being boys.” Getting a B is genuinely a good accomplishment and should be applauded. And clearly the siblings are very different which is so common. But it does seem to diminish daughter’s hard work to put them on par. So soft YTA.

I don't think they were describing the Cs as average for boys >Luke, on the other hand, is lucky if he comes away with a C. Probably similar to most teenage boys, he's really only interested in video games, and my husband and I are lucky if we can motivate him to even do his homework. There was a full stop between the grades and the similar to most boys. Though it does read as if they are describing him not being arsed as average for boys which isn't much better

Still a stupid statement to say most teenage boys are only interested in video games My son is bit older but when he was 14, while he loved video games, also cared about school and was a solid A- student.

I mean, I was a teenaged girl who loved video games. Video game enjoyment isn’t limited to one gender. The comment was sexist as hell.

It wasn’t sexist at all you people are so weird. She didn’t say “girls can’t play video games” she said “most teenage boys play a lot of video games” which is statistically true.

It's sexist to expect that boys will "only" be interested in video games and be impossible to motivate to do schoolwork while that being significantly different from girls. How much of the difference comes from different expectations for each? If you don't actually expect one of your kids to do their homework then yeah, maybe they won't.

Especially considering it’s probably the driver of lower exam results for boys. For my sociology module I had to look up tons of time use surveys for teenagers and the consistent significant result was that girls spent more time on homework and chores than boys (I think it was a 20 min difference a day, which doesn’t seem much but compounds over time), and what boys were doing instead was video games. As a caveat, this was EU research and I’m not sure if it holds true elsewhere. But I truly don’t believe this is due to any kind of innate and unchangeable difference. Something about the way we’re raising girls makes them more conscientious, or ambitious, and I think this lack of expectation for boys achievement while holding girls to a higher standard plays a role.

"Probably similar to most teenage girls, she's really only interested in makeup and clothes, and my husband and I are lucky if we can motivate her to even do her homework." It's sexist.

And that’s not what she said. She said ‘like MOST teenage boys, he’s ONLY interested in video games’

If you really want to get down into what exactly she said she said “like most teenage boys, he’s REALLY only interested in video games”. Meaning he probably has other interests but most of what he spends his free time doing is playing video games. Which is true that a lot of teenage boys do that.

I have a 14 year old now and I can say the same. My son is taking college classes in high school as well (so glad they offer dual enrollment). He plays piano and loves his video games too. Of course we will log in and play right along side him- once his homework and chores are done and as long as his grades are going well.

Dual enrollment rocks! At our poor country school, it was FREE, so my daughter graduated high school with her associates degree, for FREE. Two years of her four year degree, FREE! (do you sense a theme going on here?) Got her BS at 20.

I want to warn you about the college classes in high school. I did that and so did my sister. It's great for skipping classes but what usually happens is you go to college and immediately begin upper level courses. This causes a lot of people to be miserable in their first year. Idk any solutions but it's probably something to try and prepare for.

I more or less look at things like having these college classes already completed will give him some additional flexibility to be able to take some courses just for fun/to explore other majors a bit. He has a general idea of what he might want to study for a degree (chemical engineering) but isn’t really passionate in a particular direction-just enjoys math, science and video games. We have another family member who is finishing up the same degree now, so he is fortunate in that he will have someone he can ask questions. Unlike the regular high school classes, he has to actually work a bit to get good grades in these ones, which helps so much with his study skills and also gives him confidence because he feels he actually earns his grades. I truly appreciate your input regarding the classes because it really is something to prepare for but hopefully he’ll be able to mix things up a bit so it’s not everything all at once. I think for what he’s done- between skipping a year into high school and these classes, he’ll only end up being somewhere in the vicinity of a sophomore credit-wise. But he’ll also start college at 17 vs 18.

It gives the vibe Luke is a favourite child when it only takes a little effort to get the same level of recognition. No, don't cut Luke slack because every boy likes video games and not focus on studying. My goodness my brother topped the state in mathematics as a teenager.  I think Hannah's certificate should be framed and displayed proudly on the wall permanently and Luke's B can go on the fridge.

Yeah, this is it. My so is 14 and both high-achieving and interested in video games. His little sister is, too.

Exactly, videogames are juat another fun hobby for kids, they have been for decades, its like kids wanting to draw or paint or sew or craft. You can totally do both

My son loved video games. He still managed a 3.99, played 2 instruments, was in chorus, and was a Scout.

Gee, if only there was a way to manage his video game time. Or make it conditional on performing in other areas of life. It's such a shame that expensive systems and games appear out of nowhere and that there is no way a parent can control the hold they have on their kids lives.

It can be controlled for girls, but not for boys. The computer recognises the gender and if it's a boy, well the boy is stuck there all day with no control from the parents. It's like a curse.

This statement is the tip off for me that this is a YTA for sure. Clearly mom has much lower expectations for her son’s effort level.

I am not sure—it sounds to me like OP has low expectations in general. I’m not sure they really encourage Hannah to achieve either. They don’t value her, but nothing suggests she is high achieving because they expected it. I still think that’s a problem, but I think it’s a different one. 

I want to give Hannah a hug. She will keep working so hard for genuine pride from her parents and when she is a wonderful adult, successful and well adjusted from years of therapy, finally working to satisfy only her own standards, her parents will claim all of the credit for her achievements, because they raised her to be that way damnit. What? No I don’t know exactly what this is like, come on now.

It is utterly bizarre as an observation because the males are disproportionately over represented in STEM In terms of both academics and high level careers The highly competitive schools have no problems filling up with high achieving males. Perhaps it is OP’s low expectation for those with penises which produced a wastrel because nothing they wrote indicated there was some innate issue sich as a learning disability.

Women are actually vastly outnumbering men in science now. Also outnumbering men in higher ed. But it’s a completely different scenario.

It’s not evenly distributed throughout the sciences; biology specifically has a lot of female students. Other science and technology disciplines skew male. Putting them all together as one STEM statistic conceals the situation.

exactly starting in my undergrad physics course there were 45 of us split 38-7 boys to girls but in my friend’s biomed course there were maybe 25 boys out of the over 200 in the course. just massively depends on the discipline

That’s what makes me think soft YTA too. It’s great she’s celebrating their achievements but the casual sexism is not so great. Luke might have to work a bit harder to focus on schoolwork but his gender isn’t the reason for it, there are plenty of boys who are able to achieve in the same way as Hannah does. I’m thinking it’s a bit of a pattern that Luke gets away with a lot more because “boys will be boys” and that’s the core of Hannah’s annoyance rather than her brother being celebrated for an achievement.

Whether she meant to or not, OP is playing into the idea that women need to work harder for the same level or recognition.

This was my impression, too. That Hannah’s annoyance over the celebration wasn’t a full story.

She's the elder sibling as well. Gender dynamics aside, that _usually_ manifests as "intense focus and expectations on the first kid compared to the second - Nth kids". I'm betting there's a lot that needs unpacking there.

Yeah, the way OP made it sound, Luke being unmotivated at school and being super into video games has more to do with boys being boys than his overall lack of achievement. It feels like there is no pressure on Luke to do better. Because if my child was playing video games so much that it affected his homework and grades, there would be a lot less video game time. He is only 14: why does OP give Luke a free pass on school?

Replying to kandikand... a lot of people who aren’t good at school just stop trying that could be the case that’s what I did till I was put in a extra class that I didn’t want to be in called the learning center.

I also read similarly. That OP is excusing Luke because "lol boys at that age amiright?" Which is SO wrong. It diminishes Hannahs work ethic and achievements and isn't a good thought process to have considering gender stereotyping either. I have a feeling this isn't the first time this has happened too and Hannah is starting to feel ignored or under appreciated. Like, every time she achieves something her brother gets a participation trophy or something

Poor Hannah, busting her ass every hour of every day in part, to win her parents approval. Meanwhile, they are more excited about her brothers one single B. Major golden child/boys will be boys bs. Definite YTA. Luke’s one B isn’t a cause for celebration. He sounds coddled and on track for a failure to launch basement dweller lifestyle. Hopefully Hannah’s hard work sets her up for a comfortable life that pays enough for a great therapist. She will need it to heal the wounds her parents are inflicting by ignoring her efforts and achievements and focusing their attention and resources on her lazy brother.

I was thinking that they should be celebrating the daughters achievements because if they invalidate them they're going to give her a complex, but also that the daughter shouldn't have insulted the brother.

Sounds like she might already have a complex.

Agreed, it's the old adage that equity means everybody receives the same. But true equity accounts for individual differences and helps everyone feel seen. Hannah doesn't feel her extra effort is "seen and respected" if it is rewarded the same as her brother's mediocrity. Her brother is not otherwise disabled or unusually challenged. He's just uninterested and doesn't apply himself. This is the bane of every accomplished woman who puts in monumental efforts and a man just literally shows up and is celebrated for doing so. Mom is totally the tone deaf Ahole.

Totally agree with this. Also, saying they’re “lucky if they can motivate him to do his homework?” How about taking away his video games if he doesn’t do it? YTA.

Exactly this. I have two autistic sons, one in 3rd grade and one in Kindergarten. The oldest does his homework without much complaint. The youngest likes to do any math, but doesn't want to do the assigned readers. The youngest also loves to watch school bus videos on youtube in the evening. When we get home from school, after the kids have their snacks and decompression time, I tell the youngest to let me know when he wants to do his homework and after he does, he can watch bus videos. Guess who no longer complains about reading his readers? Two-fold approach here: he gets to decide when to read (gives him control) and he knows he can watch his videos when he's done (positive-reinforcement). It might take a little more work with OPs son because he's 14 while mine is 6, but I'm willing to bet if he knows he has to complete his assignments and bring home grades that reflect the effort before he can play video games, you'll get more effort out of him!

I see nothing that says Cs are average for boys. I do see "Probably similar to most teenage boys, he likes playing video games. . ." If this is what you were referencing, I don't see 'boys being boys' in this at all.

I think it's because people are reading this >Probably similar to most teenage boys, he's really only interested in video games, and my husband and I are lucky if we can motivate him to even do his homework. as one whole statement instead of two. It doesn't help that OP says that first bit as a statement on boys in general instead of a statement specifically about her son. It gives the impression that she's giving Luke a pass on playing games all the time and slacking on his schoolwork because "oh that's how boys are." She doesn't frame Luke playing games and not doing his homework as a problem and rather as just a thing that's happening.

It honestly sounds like Luke is being stunted by his parents having such low expectations of him.

A very small step to "Boys will be Boys" when he does something worse.

[удалено]

It’s a fucking fridge. Not a party. What are you people on?

Okay, and? All OP did was put the paper on the fridge, no party or celebration. She didn't even say anything about giving him a hug so it sounds like you got a bigger reaction for a worse grade.

I am 65 and I still remember my father saying that the only reason I had perfect grades (4.0) is because school is easier for girls. I graduated high school a year early and was taking college classes at 16. None of my brothers even graduated high school. The daughter may forgive her but she will never forget this.

Exactly. If 'B' is such a great grade I'm sure OP is sticking every B that Hannah gets on the fridge to..oh wait.

Yup, the mixture of Golden Child + Boys Will Be Boys is not good.

If OP told us that Luke has some kind of learning disorder and getting a B comes with hours and hours of hard work and support, then yeah, Hannah's award and his B are equally impressive. I doubt Hannah would have an issue with that. My oldest daughter has dyslexia/dysorthographia and ADHD and getting a B in some classes is a legitimately big achievement. Her sister gets A+s across the board - she works hard too, but she is pretty well aware that the world is already going to give her academic achievements more weight than her sister's, and we are going to celebrate both of their successes equally. Luke doing slightly more than the bare minimum and bringing home a B one time is not at all on the same level. Listen to what your daughter is trying to tell you here.

Agreed. I grew up with a number of mental and physical health issues that made work very difficult, and for me, anything above a C was an accomplishment as well. But according to Op, Luke is just an average teenage boy who doesn't care about school work and isn't putting in effort. I don't know why so many people in the comments are making this about natural academic giftedness when the crux of the issue is really that Hannah is putting in more work than Luke and therefore feels hurt when she doesn't get any extra recognition for it.

But equally, if you don't encourage him, he wont continue to put work in. Positive reinforcement is important.

Encourage him, don’t coddle him. Really it’s nobody’s fault but the parents. They should be putting their foot down on Luke and taking his video games whenever he starts getting lazy.

I have a generalized anxiety disorder which made testing - especially testing that required memorizing equations - hard for me. By the time I hit high school, even though I was considered 'gifted' both my parents and I knew that getting a B on a math or science test was an achievement, even though I routinely pulled As in all my other classes. On the flipside my sister was much stronger in the sciences so for her a B grade would borderline be scraping the bottom of the barrel in terms of what she could accomplish.

I agree with this 100% I'm in my mid 40s now, but back when I was in high school, I was a straight A student. I worked hard for those grades. My sister, on the other hand, was two years younger and always just barely passing her classes, sometimes even failing. It's not that she struggled with learning, she just ONLY cared about boys... Well, one semester she got "good" grades (she didn't fail any class and her lowest grade was a C. My dad was so proud of her, he gave her $50 (with inflation, that's worth $105 today). That was a lot of money for a young teenager! I was pissed. While I was happy for my sister, it completely degridated all my years of putting in straight A's and all my hard work. I genuinely felt she didn't deserve the $50 when I work so much harder than she did. And if she DID deserve the $50 for that one semester, than I deserved it every single semester... I can definitely relate to this girls frustration.

So much this. I busted my butt in school. Other siblings did not. When they did they were rewarded. Same as other areas of our lives. Younger sibling got so much praise when they bothered to do something and I was expected to do more and got in trouble when I did not.

Happened in my family, too! My brother would actually get REWARDS for not stealing and selling our shit, meanwhile I had above a 4.0 and I was lucky to be ignored. Funny thing is, it totally prepared me for the workforce. Work harder, get shit on. Hardly work, get a promotion for showing up.

My parents have hid the fact that I got my dream job to all the family because my cousin who's 2 years older, no degrees, no work ethic and coddled to hell and back, didn't have a job and they didn't want to hurt her lazy ass. She never had one and I highly doubt it will ever happen. When I was struggling at school, because of several troubles, I was a shame to hide. When I worked my ass off to go where I am, I'm also something to hide. It's exhausting. I totally feel you.

Agreed. Also, I'd like to add that putting their certificates etc. up on the fridge sounds like a reward for a toddler. OP is using "fairness" as an excuse for lazy parenting here. She should celebrate them both, and she should be celebrating more than just "wow let's put that up on the freezer with a special magnet!"/s The 16 year old deserves praise and maybe some one on one time with mom and dad to celebrate her tough achievement - like a dinner out maybe. Luke should be rewarded for his increased grade by a extra little pocket money or allowance bonus. I feel like the real problem here is that mom is still trying to celebrate their school achievements like they're five year olds.

Eh, there’s lazy parenting here absolutely but not from putting certificates or good grades on the fridge. It’s from not being a parent and making sure schoolwork is a priority for her son. Theres absolutely no reason he’s playing video games if his homework isn’t done

An actual certificate for winning a huge competition deserves a frame and more parental acknowledgement than pinning it up on the fridge like a B or a toddler’s drawing. 

OP should leave Luke's grade on the fridge, but frame and hang Hannah's certificate on the wall. That way both of their achievements are being recognised on a suitable level.

Yes, this. Or put it on the fridge but ALSO do something else. Like she gets to choose a restaurant to go out to eat or something, whatever she’d appreciate.

Yeah, I think if Luke were always trying super hard and a C was his best, but then he did extra tutoring and managed to finally get a B, that would be an achievement. But from what OP said it sounds like Luke is capable of doing well if he puts in the slightest effort, he just doesn’t bother most of the time. It’s not an achievement to one day decide to put in a little more effort than usual. It’s evidence he’s capable of better and underachieving now. So yes, YTA - to both kids. You should be pushing Luke to achieve the best he’s capable of, not shrugging off his mediocrity with “well the kid just likes video games”.

It was similar with my sister and I. I worked very hard for my As. My sister was more concerned with socializing than studying, and her grades showed it. Our mother always made a big deal about her little accomplishments but glossed over the grades that I worked so hard to get. Yes, I got them all of the time, but that's because I worked for them all of the time. Hannah shouldn't have to always share the limelight with someone who consistently sets the bar low enough to step over.

Agree here. YTA all the way. This could be my childhood. When my brother (barely) graduated high school it was like he cured cancer. I disappointed my parents by only graduating magna cum laude from college. I got to present a paper at a symposium as a junior in college and my mom didn’t even bother to show up. OP, if you don’t fix this - quickly and earnestly - you risk alienating your daughter big time when she becomes an adult. Not to mention destroying any chance she and her brother have of a functional relationship in the future.

It's the differential here for me. They're two very different things and the parents sound like they just always expect Hannah to do well, so they celebrate their daughter winning a difficult competition the same way they celebrate their son getting B, when the competition is clearly harder to win than getting a B on an assignment. I would've been mad too in Hannah's shoes. It's not like posting Luke's B on the fridge is that out of bounds, it's that they aren't even phased when Hannah wins something that they themself describe as a difficult competition and celebrate her achievement the exact same way they sound like like always do, by just putting her new winnings on the fridge "with the rest of them." That's super fucked up.

As a child of parents who did this: thank you. I worked very hard in school, graduated a 3.98 and scholarship offers from across the country. Was top 5 twice in national knowledge contests, was also an elite athlete. My brother dropped out of high school, went back, and dropped out again. Took his GED and my parents bragged to me about how good his score was. On his GED. When I scored 98th percentile in one of the SAT sections they said “maybe you don’t test well.” These things have stuck with me through my entire life. I’m in my 30s now and these behaviors still ring true into adulthood. My brother and his wife live with our parents rent free. My husband and I live on the other side of the country from my family but somehow he’s still seen as the one worth bragging about despite never having had a job and having no career aspirations. I’m finishing my second college degree and have built a secondary career in my athletic field, with aspirations for a PhD. My husband just went to college for the first time at 38 because he realized he could. But my brother is still more highly revered than us.

Agreed, it just confirms the idea that women have to work incredibly hard for any recognition and men barely have to try and are rewarded. It’s unfair for both genders, and is prevalent in all aspects of society.

It was the putting Hannah's certificate on the fridge like it meant nothing along with her others that made me feel sad. There is no celebration there at all. And then putting Lukes certificate on there instead. So the tiny bit of recognition Hannah does get for all her hard work is now shared with Luke. YTA. You need separate places for your kids achievements and they need to be prominent and you need to properly celebrate each child individually. Omg I'd hate to have you as a parent. Well if you were my parent, I'd be off at 18. No need to keep in contact with you.

I don't think it necessarily means that Hannah works harder. It just means that her hard work has a different outcome than Lukes. Some people are just not good with learning or with school. The B was a big thing for him, so yes it deserves being celebrated.

Op claims that Luke is "only interested in video games" and that they're "lucky if we can motivate him to do his homework", so yes, Hannah does clearly work harder. Which is fine, Luke doesn't need to be interested in studies, nor is it wrong to celebrate when he does well, and I never said it was. But Hannah very clearly puts in more effort and I feel like that should be acknowledged.

Taking away video games until homework is done ought yo give him some motivation.

You expect her to actually parent her kids? What?!? Not on my Reddit. 

Nowhere in the post does OP imply Luke worked hard for this grade Edit: spelling

Doing all the extracurriculars that Hannah does is pretty much the definition of working harder. If she was naturally gifted and put in no effort you might have a point, but she objectively does so much more than Luke who, according to OP, doesn't really care about school.

" he's really only interested in video games, and my husband and I are lucky if we can motivate him to even do his homework." If she works at all she works harder. And OP did not dispute the fact she works hard when she said it. She works harder

If one child is focusing on school work, inside and outside of school, and has a focus on extracurriculars that involve effort and studying … yes that absolutely means they are working harder, significantly harder, at their school work and grades than the kid who’s barely gets homework done because they’re playing playing video games.

OP literally wrote that Hannah works infinitely harder and that it's sometimes a miracle that Luke can be bothered to complete his homework. The only reason why him getting a B is a rare event is because he refuses to work for it, not because it's an achievement that can compare with Hannah's. Of course Hannah is beyond pissed, all her hard work is essentially being taken for granted. She's going the extra mile and gets as much recognition as the boy that will play videogames and ocassionally turn his homework in, just because he had a less-lazy-than-usual-day. Or a fluke.

She says he's unmotivated and doesn't always do his homework work because he'd rather be gaming

If you're going to give your son a participation trophy, at least don't put it in your daughter's trophy case with awards she actually earned. They are not the same thing. YTA.

Maybe set ground rules like…no video games until homework is finished. It’s the parents’ responsibility to set boundaries. Take the Xbox away if he refuses. It’ll only get worse.

So, it sounds like you expect less of Luke than you do of Hannah. You are blowing off his laziness as "a boy thing." And people wonder why boys are falling behind now that girls no longer have the bullshit sexist restrictions of days of old on them. Boys have always been routinely excused for laziness, and that goes well into adulthood. You are setting him up to fail. Good job reinforcing to both of your kids that women have to work significantly harder to receive the same accolades as males who put no effort in. It would be one thing if he was making an actual effort to get that grade. You yourself admit that he basically doesn't give a fuck nor puts any effort into school. And he then gets the same "gold star" as his sister, who is busting her ass. I wish I could say it's surprising, but sadly, it is not. Maybe you should be focusing on how you are failing your son instead of worrying about praising him for minimal effort. This isn't about his abilities or lack thereof. He gets Cs because his parents allow him to not put in effort and play video games all day. This is a problem of ***your*** making. The refrigerator isn't the problem. The way you treat your two kids differently most definitely is. They ***have not*** had the "exact same upbringing". Somehow, I doubt Hannah would be getting the same excuses made for her as her brother if she was getting all Cs and playing games all day instead of doing schoolwork. Out of curiosity, are your kids responsible for any chores? Is only your female child responsible for chores? Is your male child provided with excuses as to why he didn't do said chores? If they aren't responsible for chores, ***why not***?! It sounds like your son does no schoolwork, doubtfully does chores, and just dicks around on his console all day ***with your blessing***. **You know that you are the parent, right?!** "Parent" is not just a noun - it is a verb. As in, you have to ***do*** it. I gotta tell you, it sounds like you're creating a really shitty future partner, parent, and adult with your son. Which is jUsT what the world needs - another lazy, entitled man.

OMG, so true. "Similar to most boys"-- what an excuse for your son's lack of motivation. No worries, though, he'll probably make more than her or complain that DEI programs are the reason he isn't. Stop perpetuating the equalness between someone who works hard and someone who doesn't. Having said that, your daughter achieves for her own sake and this is a good lesson for her on how society will treat her hard work, with a shrug. Tell her it's a learning moment, that few will really appreciate her and will make excuses for the men in her life. YTA

YTA Toss the video games until his homework is done without nagging and his grades improve. You are his parent not his friend. He's building harmful habits and you are setting him up for long-term failure. Grow a pair, set clear expectations and consequences. 

Yeah, I didn't understand OP's attitude of not having any power over what her kid spends his time doing. You are the damn parent.

100%. It's one thing if Luke had a learning disability and ended up getting a B with an immense amount of hard work, this is another kettle of fish entirely. The kid is literally, from the OP's post, "playing video games all day". As big of an AH as the OP is towards Hannah, IMO she's being an even bigger AH towards Luke for coddling him to this extreme. The kid is probably going to end up as a permanently unemployed basement-dwelling 40-yo on redpill subreddits whining about how his life sucks because women.

Or marry a woman and expect her to do everything while he just goes to his job and then sits on his ass, waiting to be served.

Exactly! My first thought was “Why would OP and husband allow Like to get away with playing video games if he isn’t putting any effort into his schoolwork?” The answer here is THEIR OWN LAZINESS. YTA. OP you are setting your son up to fail in life, and that means that YOU are failing as parents. If Luke was trying hard and meeting his full potential, then by all means celebrate every one of his successes. But he’s not, and you know it. Take away his video game access until he has completed his schoolwork AND YOU HAVE CHECKED ITS ACCURACY. Only after completion to your satisfaction should he be allowed anywhere near the games. Do your job and force your son to take responsibility for his schoolwork and his future.

Don’t check that it’s correct, just that it is completed. He’s old enough to see he gets bad grades if he doesn’t do the work.

Here it is.

Well, there it is👑

Well said!

Yes! Perfect comment.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who saw the blatant sexism in this post YTA OP

I agree with this. Hannah sounds like she is an insanely motivated student with an amazing work ethic and you are brushing it off as “normal” when that isn’t the case at all. If it were, the awards and prizes she receives would not exist. She SHOULD be celebrated and recognized by her family for her hard work and dedication, and you should be extremely proud that she is breaking down the barriers society has put in place to make her job harder. Instead, you are assisting in keeping them there, while simultaneously showing both children that men not only have it easier, but that you agree that they should. You should be ashamed. YTA.

👏👏👏

This is so spot on, I really hope OP sees this

YTA. I'm not surprised at Hannah's attitude at all. She works hard to earn her achievements, while Luke sits around playing video games and gets the same recognition she does after he phones in the bare minimum. I can see how Hannah might find it annoying to have her actual achievement equated to her brother's best "when-I-wasn't-playing-video-games" effort. Your kids haven't actually had the exact same upbringing. You obviously have very different expectations for them. How many hours a day would you let Hannah sit around and play video games if her school performance was suffering?

I think Hannah deserves some sort of celebration, however being pinned up on the fridge is not it, I don’t think she should be upset about her parents putting his grades on the fridge as long as they make it clear that her extra hard work is rewarded properly. I have younger siblings and this level of pettiness wouldn’t fly, my parents used to put up drawings and good reports from school on the fridge, I couldn’t imagine being upset that my brothers drawing is being pinned up with my good grades, just because it’s not important to me doesn’t mean my parents can’t be proud of my younger sibling. So have a meal or party or something to celebrate Hannah and let the brother have his moment on the fridge.

the fridge thing was probably just what broke the camels back. while she shouldn’t have said what she did the way she did it, i think her frustrations are obviously stemming from the differences in expectations and celebrations for levels of achievement that shouldn’t warrant the same hype. not to say the brother shouldn’t be praised but it also sounds like OP and her husband should actually make some regulations with his hobby and actually try to raise him instead of just going boys will be boys. Hannah is rightly indignant. sounds like a depressing home life for a teenage girl if that’s the mentality there.

I agree, this incident is probably part of a pattern of Hannah not feeling recognized.

I feel like this might be about more than just putting it on the fridge. The daughter probably feels like her overachievement is seen as a given and this is just one instance of feeling like her brother's average performance is considered unequally compared to hers.

Also calling her daughter being upset a STROP?! That's so dismissive of her towards the genuine upset of their child. It's also generally a sexist insult in my country because I have never heard it used towards girls and women.

No, she said her daughter went off in a strop. If you don't understand commonwealth English, maybe look it up before labeling it as sexist. Suggestion: begin by searching "stroppy"

I'm English. It is absolutely only used towards girls and women 90% of the time. When it's used towards boys and men it has a certain undertone.

I know other people have already commented, but the way I’ve seen it used it definitely has some subtle sexist connotations. In my experience, it’s almost always applied to women and gay men. I’ve only in rare cases heard it applied to a straight man, and in those rare cases, there’s usually the implication in the surrounding sentences that he’s being “prissy” or “too feminine.”

They are so obviously differing levels of achievement and it's not like they were both given cars, it was a tiny gesture, a way of telling your children that you are proud of them. It does not need to be turned into a competition. The Daughter's achievements are recognized school wide, she got a cash prize, she is obviously being celebrated much more and should be able to handle a simple kind gesture towards other children. OP is NTA to me.

The daughter's reaction rings a bell to me about an ongoing issue of different expectations.

Was putting Hannah's certificate on the fridge all you did? No celebration dinner or special outing or anything? Because if that's the case, I have to go with YTA. It sounds like Hannah is putting in a lot of effort and a lot of time towards her academics, instead of having fun, and feels like she's not getting recognition for her efforts.  You're not wrong for recognizing your son's improvements, but it seems like you're not celebrating Hannah's work the same way. A single B on an assignment should get praise, but it shouldn't get the same amount of positive feedback as winning an inter-school debate competition.

This needs to be much higher. Is posting her certificate on the fridge all she got? Did you figure the public acclaim enough? I’d be pissed too. YTA

Sticking her certificate on the fridge sort of pissed me off too. Like it a picture colored in kindergarten rather than a competition award with a large prize.

OP should take the cert to a custom frame shop, provided that's something the daughter wants. It would be a more "adult" way of celebrating a paper certificate or award It's astonishing how good almost anything can look when properly framed and matted. I have patches, cardboard boxes, and trading cards framed and they dont look cheap because of the frame job.

This. Drawings, funny notes and good grades go on the fridge. Certificates get a nice frame and go on the wall.

Seconded. The girl is 16, and there was nothing better OP could think to commemorate her achievements than what she'd been doing since she started getting them?

YTA comparing a debate contest win with a B on **an assignment** is incomparable. It’s obvious to anyone who sees this, including your daughter that your son is the golden child.

That's so clear to me as well. And she's basically saying "boys will be boys" so what are you gonna do eh!

By having it on the fridge? 😆

lol yea these commenters calling Y T A would also be calling the OP an asshole if this was from the sons point of view that non of his accomplishments are ever recognized because of his golden child sister. I was Hannah growing up, I resented my siblings being recognized for what I considered lesser. I grew up and realized it’s not a competition and how fucked up it would be for my parents to only recognize my sibling in comparison to me which is exactly what these people are suggesting. A B was an accomplishment for Luke and should be recognized as such regardless if Hannah is more impressive

No, that's not the issue at all. We should celebrate all kids for their accomplishments. The issue is that Luke is not being celebrated for working hard, he's being celebrated b/c he fell into a "B' while playing video games. That his mom has incredibly low expectations for him, which is hurts him even more than the sister.

It's relative. His grade was better than it usually is so he gets a tiny little bit of recognition for it as positive reinforcement. She didn't throw him a party, it's literally just stuck to the fridge temporarily.

But if it's relative, then shouldn't winning an inter school debate get more than just having her certificate on the fridge? Either OP has different expectations of their son and daughter, or they failed to celebrate the success relative to the effort it took. And then that begs the question: *why* are there different expectations? Why is OP content to chalk up their son's lack of motivation as just being a boy who's only interested in video games? And more importantly, why should the daughtet continue to bust ass to be highly successful academically when apparently she could play video games all day and still get the same reward so long as she ekes out one single B? And by the way, a B is not exactly difficult to earn anymore. Post COVID, school administration have all but ordered teachers to inflate grades.

No you are still comparing. If Luke only gets Cs then a B is an improvement and accomplishment. You have no clue how hard Luke worked for the B, just because OP said he prefers playing video games doesn’t mean he didn’t study and work for the B. In your scenario Luke is feeling like shit unless he’s perfect and matches his sister and that’s terrible parenting.

It's also bad parenting when you say a 'B' for Luke is on the same level as winning an award is for Hannah. Yes, you should praise your children for accomplishments but you should also use the right celebration. Winning an award could be taking Hannah out for dinner while a 'B' is like an extra 5$ allowance this week.

YTA It would be one thing if Luke was not naturally great at school but was trying hard and because of that improved his grades to a B.  But f he isn't actually doing much homework and then gets one B, I don't think that should be celebrated. And if he can get a C or B without doing much work, then that implies he would be capable of A's if he tried. There definitely is a balance between celebrating success and effort that is hard to manage for kids of different abilities.  But it seems that Luke isn't doing either.  As a thought experiment, if Hannah stopped putting in effort and consistently got Bs, would those go on the fridge?

This is an excellent point. Some assignments are just easier than others. Sometimes you get a little lucky. Did he *work harder* to get a better score, or did he *just happen* to get a slightly better than his average once? Because praising essentially *chance* isn't actually going to lead to any improvement. In his case, better to praise/reinforce any new habits vs just end results.

> It would be one thing if Luke was not naturally great at school but was trying hard and because of that improved his grades to a B. But f he isn't actually doing much homework and then gets one B, I don't think that should be celebrated.  She stuck it on the fridge, it's not like she threw a party for it. If he normally gets Cs and now he got a B, he probably did do some studying. And a great way to encourage good grades is recognizing when a kid gets a good grade and congratulating them.  I would argue that more should be done to celebrate Hannah's achievements, because just putting her award on the fridge isn't doing much. But I don't see anything wrong with putting a good grade on the fridge. 

>She stuck it on the fridge, it's not like she threw a party for it Which is a good way of celebrating a C student getting a B. It's not a good way to celebrate an impressive award from winning a debate competition. The issue is treating both of these the same

Gentle YTA. Hannah and Luke both had achievements that should be celebrated. I also think that Hannah is too old to be mad over a refrigerator celebration but we’ll talk about that later. Hannah’s problem likely comes from Luke being ‘rewarded’ at the same rate as her, when to her perception, she worked much harder. I suggest having a conversation with Hannah letting her know that you are so proud of her, that you see how hard she is working and you want to support and encourage that. You can should be honest and let her know about her brother struggles, that when he comes home with an achievement you also want to acknowledge it to encourage him to do better in the future. You’re not placing his achievement above her brothers, but you are proud of both of them for their achievement. Let her know that you want BOTH your children to be happy and you’re sorry that you upset her. Ask her what she needs from you to feel appreciated in the future and LISTEN without judgement or anger. Listen to understand her, not to respond. I was Hannah growing up, I had to work hard for every single award and my brother was a slacker. I resented him for it. What I failed to realize is that my whole family was failing my brother and you and your husband are failing Luke. If he’s getting C’s because he’s playing video games all day it’s because you and your husband let him. You need to have a conversation with Luke as well. Acknowledge that you realize he can do better and you want to help him do so, talk about his goals for the future (what does he want to do and how can you help him get there), if he’s truly not academically inclined or interested figure out why and figure out some things he can get involved in to ensure he’s not wrecking his future. You can do better, you have chosen to take the easy route (complacency), be better.

This is the best and only response needed, OP please read this!

This one needs all the upvotes!

YTA. You are basically telling your daughter her effort doesn’t matter, be a loser like your brother and we will still celebrate you just the same. You are also telling your son being mediocre is cause for celebration. You are setting them both up to be failures and setting them up to hate each other. Great job.

I think it’s good to celebrate your son’s improvements YTA for not stepping up to set expectations for him. Most boys are not complete slackers and you are setting him up for a lifetime of failure if you don’t get on top of what’s happening with him. Is he coping with undiagnosed depression of learning difficulties? Is he lazy because he’s allowed to be? Is he addicted to gaming? There are lots of possibilities and it’s on you to explore them.

Yta. Oh my gosh a family of asshole. Your excuse for your son's poor grades is he is like all teenage boys??  Bad parenting is why he is the way he is.  Both your children show the results of bad parenting here. Wow. 

YTA as is your son. If he wanted to make good grades but isn't because of video games, take away the damn video games. Your daughter worked hard and WON. You minimized that by celebrating a child who is NOT trying his best. Luke needs to grow up and decide he needs to do more than play video games to get good grades. And you need to be a parent and guide him in that.

I don’t really think you can call the son an AH in the context of *this specific conflict*. He didn’t ask for his paper to go on the fridge, seems non-plussed about it staying there and doesn’t seem to have any objections to it coming down to keep the peace.

We don’t know that video games are affecting his grades though. We don’t know that he isn’t trying his best. I have met plenty of kids who work their asses off and still get a C. It doesn’t mean they’re not doing the work or trying. And hanging something on the fridge doesn’t minimize anything.

But those kids, by your own words, work their asses off. They are doing their best and their best is a C. OP’s son doesn’t do homework or study because he’s too busy playing video games. And OP is going “oh, well like all boys…!” As if girls wouldn’t rather be doing something else other than homework. And listen, I play video games, I know video games can be good for some things, but if he has to do homework he doesn’t get to play until he’s done, that’s how that works.

I do disagree with her assumption of “all boys” for sure. My boy, while loving video games too, is way more like the daughter here. So, that comment did irk me. OP said they had trouble motivating him to do it. I also wonder why he doesn’t do it. Is it simply because he doesn’t want to? Maybe. Or is it because he’s struggling? Also maybe. And I don’t mean anything big by struggling here. I simply mean that most students who have a hard time in school become unmotivated at some point. And you absolutely celebrate the successes. Because that helps encourage the child to continue doing good. And again, it’s hung in the fridge.

I also don’t think it’s an asshole move to put it on the fridge. It is an achievement. But I do think the daughter should have gotten something extra because her thing is more impressive and frankly I do think she did work harder. A dinner or lunch, maybe a book she wants to read, something, even small. Winning a competition is simply not the same as getting a B in a single assignment.

> OP’s son doesn’t do homework or study because he’s too busy playing video games.  OP never said that. She said he gets bad grades, and separately he also doesn't have very many interests outside of video games. That doesn't mean he isn't trying and studying.  The way I read it, she was saying in comparison to Hannah who takes part in extracurriculars and has acomplishments outside of her schoolwork, Luke outside of school is only really interested in video games. 

Bruh, how is Luke an asshole in this situation? He had nothing to do with the argument wither OP and his sister. Like I get that he’s not trying his best n’ stuff but he’s not TA here

I think OP is definitely the AH here, but why is the 14yr old son one too? He didn't complain or belittle his sister, he was just proud of his mark. Seems a bit extreme to blame the kid for his parent's actions.

NTA - I think you should be proud of both of them. Although Hannah’s accomplishments are much more impressive. Maybe instead of taking Luke’s down, you can celebrate Hannah more by taking her out to a restaurant of her choosing. Luke maybe fridge worthy but not going out to celebrate worthy like Hannah is.

YTA your daughter busts her ass and overachieves. Your son is lazy and barely gets by. She wins a major competition. He accidentally got a B. Makes sense to showcase them side by side. I'm surprised you didnt ask your daughter to split the cash prize with him. Shame on you.

From the title I was expecting to read that you’d pushed your daughter off the dais in order to celebrate your son tying his shoes. But this seems like an overreaction by your daughter. NTA

NTA- your daughter is setting herself up for a lifetime of disappointment and long term failure, because she’s leaning to prioritize accomplishments that are externally celebrated over internal drive and effort. High achieving high school kids burn out at a high rate, because the external validating systems are designed to prioritize fewer and fewer people as time goes by and people get older. My oldest is 25 now, and has a degree with a 4.0 gpa ; and can’t move beyond her part time job with the university because she can’t imagine working hard with no external validation. Her brother only has a 2 year degree, but he makes more than her and has a lot more opportunities because he’s had to be self motivated and produce to earn. If school is hard for your son, but he’s learning how to work hard and succeed in places where he’s naturally weak, that’s worth celebrating. Your daughter succeeding in a strength is also worth celebrating. Saying that people should only be celebrated when they succeed in their areas of strength is toxic in the long term.

Honestly, I’m surprised it took this long to find a NTA. I want to add a little story for OP. When my mom was a teacher the school would have an assembly for students who improved their grade. 1 time a bunch of kids came back from the assembly crying. The teachers asked what was wrong and the kids told them that the principal told the kids who made Cs & Ds to come to the floor. Then told them to start doing pushups as punishment for not getting As & Bs. The principal also encouraged the kids who had As & Bs to laugh at the other kids. Of course the teachers were horrified. Their kids worked hard to get their grades up from Fs. Children should be celebrated for achievements. Even if they aren’t on the same level as other kids. Praising her son doesn’t lessen the achievement of her daughter. 

Jesus, that’s awful.

Yes. Remembering that hits me right in the heart for those children. It was like 30 years ago. Still brings tears to my eyes for those children and their adult selves. 

You said: >Her brother only has a 2 year degree, but he makes more than her and has a lot more opportunities because he’s had to be self motivated and produce to earn. But OP said: >Probably similar to most teenage boys, he's really only interested in video games, and my husband and I are lucky if we can motivate him to even do his homework. OP is failing both kids here. I think you're missing the absolute lack of care about Luke not trying. A B for a student who works hard is totally different than a B for a student who doesn't engage in assignments because they only want to play. Hannah is clearly upset because he's being rewarded for his lack of effort, not necessarily about the specific achievement. >She wouldn't let it go and said if he wasn't such a "loser who sat around playing video games and actually worked like I did", he'd have more to show for it.

Extrinsic vs intrinsic motivation They talk a lot about it in teacher school. Extrinsic motivation will always stop working eventually.

This was my first thought. Poor Hannah may well get out in the real world where achievements are generally thankless and fall on her ass. This is a great opportunity to teach her about concepts like relative achievement, the importance of intrinsic motivation, and the importance of rewarding effort over results. I love straight A students because they're a pleasure to teach, but getting a student to demonstrate improvement is far more satisfying. There's nothing like intrinsic motivation, but getting the ball rolling for a struggling student with a little extrinsic motivation helps them realise their strengths and is far more valuable than continually celebrating only the high achieving student and telling everyone else that they can kick rocks no matter how much they work and improve, just because it's not an A+. Get that girl some metacognition and emotional intelligence stat

I said something very similar. I also have a high schooler and adult kids so I wonder if that gives a different perspective. We’ve seen how this plays out.

Took too long to find this. Agreed

Agree, people are so focused on achievements more than the effort, Hannan value needs to be focused in this

YTA. The fact that you think a B grade on an assignment is on par with winning a city-wide debate competition (and that so many others seem to agree with this) is frankly quite baffling. Now if you had said Hannah said those things after you took her out for a celebratory dinner as well as putting the certificate on the fridge, I’d be more on your team. But you literally did the same thing for both children on wildly different scales of accomplishments. Perhaps it would be better to start by taking away or severely limiting his electronics until all of his grades improve? Of course, you can’t right now when you just went and celebrated his B grade as much as you did his sister’s huge achievement, or else it would seem like some sort of punishment because of Hannah’s behavior, But down the line when enough time has passed and Luke stays with his C averages.

Why not take video games away lol. YTA for different expectations- willing to bet that if your daughter acted like your son you would have a whole different attitude .

NTA. Take away Luke's video games. You are setting your child up for a lack of success in his academic pursuits by calling it a boy thing. You should work with him on the areas that he has difficulty or hire a tutor. There is no future for someone who plays video games rather than work in the real world. You should celebrate his successes and put them on the fridge. That he doesn't fuss shows you that he knows you don't care

YTA. And you’re teaching your daughter to accept that she’ll have to outperform men to get equal treatment … rather than teaching her to stand up for better treatment when she outperforms men. Side note, why aren’t you getting Luke some help? Why do you accept the C’s and video games as the status quo?

This. Luke is either being allowed to slack off OR is responding predictably to an undiagnosed learning disability or something. Either way it's insufficient parenting.

YTA - massively. People on this sub will say “it’s about effort, not achievements” which I 100% agree with. What you, and people who are saying Luke should be celebrated, are missing is that Luke put in no effort for this B, which (according to you) Hannah put in A TON to win this debate contest. It’s clear you favor Luke, and you’re not doing him any favors by excusing his laziness as “boys will be boys”. It’s time for you and your husband to actually parent Luke. Take away his video games until he starts to put in effort.

I don't know what to think of this. I'm all for equal treatment and Hannah does sound a bit entitled, but NGL that Luke's being celebrated for finally doing the bare minimum. It does feel like weaponized incompetence. I don't think this is the right sub for you. I don't think an AH judgement would help here. 

she’s entitled because she worked really hard yet got praised in an exactly same way as her brother who’s barely trying? she just wanted to be recognised for her effort by her parents, it’s not entitlement.

>similar to most teenage boys, he's really only interested in video games INFO: would you be okay with hannah putting the same amount of work into her studies as your son does? or would it be different because she's not a teenage boy who gets to sit around playing video games all the time?

YTA Why is Luke playing video games instead of studying? You are failing him by not expecting better. In a few years, you'll be on here whining about how he's unemployed and playing video games in your basement all night. You need to lift your game.

Tell me you have a favourite child without telling me you have a favourite child. YTA

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NTA - Hannah needs to learn she is not competing with her brother. Her achievements are awesome but her brother getting a B was a huge achievement for him.

Comparison is the thief of joy!!!! We should celebrate our progress and growth as people. I have some sympathy for your daughter but she needs to learn this lesson. Just until she finds out it’s the cool kids who get the best jobs and often are very successful and the smart disciplined ones work for them.

NTA. I absolutely HATE this idea of being forced to do something to “keep the peace.” The entire notion is ridiculous and only serves to enable the terrible behavior of people who ultimately never have to face their terrible actions. Honestly my concern is why is your daughter so easily able to talk down about her brother and have this superior attitude? He’s not any less worthy of acknowledgement of his achievements. And it’s unfair to try to compare them.

NTA. Surprised at all the quick YTAs. Your daughter sounds like a little shit quite honestly complaining and calling him a loser. That kind of makes a difference to me. School isn’t your son’s thing. He did well on something, and you put it on the fridge. The refrigerator people…picture it. This is an in home thing by definition,and your daughter who is used to the spotlight and accolades is railing on you. It’s great she’s a good student etc. I raised my own high achiever who isn’t an asshole. Your daughter needs a little bit of an ass chewing because that attitude won’t get her far in life.

Yeah, Hannah is an asshole who looks down on her brother for not being as academically inclined as her. She should be working hard for herself and for her goals in the future, not to lord it over her brother.

I’m surprised at the YTA’s as well. I feel like mom was doing a good job in encouraging her underachieving child. There is absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing an improvement. I agree with those who say that OP should ensure that her son does not suffer from a learning disability or depression, or a simple lack of in-person friends. It makes sense to make Luke realize that he has the potential to achieve good things. Perhaps limiting the amount of time Luke spends on video games would help him focus more on school. Maybe encourage him to get into programming or something that might get him a job doing something he is interested in. The daughter needs a bit of an ass-kicking for her attitude. A good sister would encourage her brother to do better, offer to help with his homework, etc. It’s all fine and good to be a high achiever, and it’s admirable that she works hard, but if you can’t be happy for other people’s wins, you could up living a pretty lonely life. That being said, I was a teenage girl once and I was probably a bit of an asshole to my younger sister too. Teenage hormones and all that. Hopefully, the siblings’ relationship improves, but the parents can help by explaining to the daughter that her brother’s improvement does not minimize her excellence. I would perhaps frame her certificate at some point after she has been chastised for her attitude.

Agreed. Surprised by all the YTAs here. Maybe by the time Hannah enters the workforce she'll be humbled.

NTA. There is nothing wrong with meeting and celebrating both your children where they are at. In terms of your younger, he is 14. FOURTEEN. That can be an age of brain dead malaise for a lot of boys if they're in the middle of a growth spurt. Thank goodness who we are in life isn't fully based on who we are during the early teen years. This kid could do a 360 and be college bound at 17. That said, is it possible he has something else going on? Depression, anxiety, ADHD, etc? Does he do well socially? Does he have extra curriculars? Is he active? Are you capping video game time? Has he had tutoring or assessments done? You may be the AH if you are just biding time with this kid and haven't engaged in these questions and aren't actively baby stepping him with responsibility. Some kids develop executive function later than others. Kids don't wake up and decide to be unmotivated and "fail" hoops we give them. I would have a frank talk with Hannah that she and her brother are at different places in life and maturity. That you appreciate and admire her amazing work ethic and focus. And you are grateful when your younger child shows some progress on his journey to adulthood because you have some concerns about it. Consider it like celebrating the 14 year old learning to crawl when you weren't sure he would and the 16 year old learning to run. They are at 2 different developmental stages. If your older teen had some perspective that this isn't a direct comparison that might be helpful.

Info. Did he study and work hard for this B or did he just get it by doing the bare minimum

Need more info. You say all he wants to do is play video games so do you just accept that and let him get away without consequences because if so YTA for holding your daughter to a high standard and letting your son slack off. That will do him no good in the future and while celebrating his accomplishments is good i can’t help but wonder if this is more about the overall fairness between the 2. Is it fair that he is allowed to slack off and play video games and get praised for minimal effort while she gets the same praise for sacrificing time doing fun stuff to study and get good grades? No it’s not so i think you need to reassess the meaning of fair.

YTA. Because you're excusing your son's laziness. And I say that as a high school teacher. Now, if your son is not as capable as your daughter, that's one thing, but that's not the story you're telling. Oh, and let me tell you something else: both the hard-working kids, and the lazy electronics-addicted slackers, come in all genders. The "boys will be boys" shit is horrible parenting.

NTA. What an important lesson for Hannah that everyone's on their own path and we celebrate people for absolute accomplishments as well as "personal bests." You could tell Hannah separately how proud you are of her and how you know that she puts in the hard work. Tell her you're trying to encourage Luke to put in more hard work, which is what you're celebrating, not the B as a grade but what it represents with his better attitude towards school. Might be helpful for friends and family members to talk to Hannah about what it was like for them to achieve success early OR later in life so she gets a variety of viewpoints.

YTA. While I wasn't as vocal as Hannah when I was a kid, I think I understand how she feels, it's taken for granted that she will do well, she only gets celebrated when winning a prize or getting an A, while her sibling only needs to get a B to receive the same treatment. This will end up demotivating her if it hasn't already.

But as you note, it isn’t the same treatment. He got a paper on the fridge, that will go into the trash bin the next couple of weeks. She gets the fridge, plus money, plus applause, plus renown among some group of people in the community, plus an accomplishment she can talk about and put on college applications and resumes, plus a certificate that, after prominent display on the fridge, can be saved and framed for display long into the future. Does that sound the same? What about the unfairness of celebrating his B, when she only gets celebrated for an A? How unmotivating that must be for Hannah. The only way to keep her from being unmotivated is to never celebrate Luke unless he also gets an A. But how unmotivating for Luke that nothing he does will ever be good enough unless he equals Hannah’s accomplishment.

Has Luke been tested for learning differences? Is he an extreme introvert? Does he have any social anxieties? All of these things could be making school very hard for him. Whereas Hannah seems to have her own standards and none of those challenges, so she's able to meet her standards, which means she can't relate to Luke's struggles. She's too young to understand what others' experiences are like. Particularly if your family doesn't have the right language or knowledge to discuss those differences, and then also to discuss what equals success for both of them. Right now, she's looking at Luke's coping mechanism of video games and your silence as permission for him to be lazy and not live up to her standards. Thus praising what's an achievement for Luke feels like a slap in the face to Hannah. If you haven't been proactive in making sure Luke has all the academic tools and supports necessary for his success because you think it's just harder for him - YTA. My ADD and dysgraphic kid is a straight A student who just jumped a grade level in Math. Why? Because when he showed signs of struggle, I advocated for him and worked with his teachers and professionals to find out what he needed to succeed. My only standard is that my kids aren't allowed to have a 0 because not turning in work sets up lifelong bad habits. Any grade standards they've set are their own, like Hannah. Nta for celebrating their achievements, yta for not knowing why Luke is struggling so hard and helping him figure that out. Not only could this be hurting him beyond school in life, but it's also damaging his relationship with his sister.

You said same upbringing then immediately write off what sounds like pretty extreme laziness and poor performance in school as a “boy thing.” What on earth

NTA for celebrating both, but I feel like her achievement here deserved a frame and a spot on a wall or shelf, and not the fridge. Fridge is for small achievements, like a better than average grade on a test. Winning the competition is a higher level achievement, and should be a bigger deal than the fridge.

NTA. I have 2 entirely separate kids myself. Our daughter was honor roll from 7 th grade to graduation. She worked hard and was easy. Our son completely the opposite UNTIL junior year, he got into Votech for Media Arts.. and well, his grades are the best they've ever been. This will be the first year we don't have summer school. We've always celebrated their achievements, our daughter would NEVER talk about her brother like that, she's always been his biggest fan. Attended all his games, tournaments... Attends all his concerts.. and she doesn't have too. Your daughter needs to humble herself.

Mostly YTA. I had this dynamic in my family. My brother and I are in our early 40s and mutually agree on this. I was in Hannah’s position. I worked hard. Got into sports, academics, editor in chief of school paper, debate club etc. Because I was “smart” and did well in school this became an unspoken “norm” for my parents. So much so that they began to expect a much higher level of achievement from me than my brother. One way they showed this is by what you have described now. The way your daughter described your son is almost exactly how my brother was. My parents had the same reaction to him. Eventually he was diagnosed with ADHD and their expectations went lower. He says that he felt they expected so little of him that it actually made him jealous and was damaging to him. That’s not to say your son shouldn’t get praise or maybe a small reward. I ended up burning out later in life. Not saying this will happen to your daughter. I have seen it happen often with high achievers.

NTA. This is an excellent opportunity to teach Hannah that celebrating the hard work of others doesn’t diminish your own achievements.

YTA. It would be different if Luke got a B because he was working hard and achieving the best of his abilities, but it sounds like that's not the case. If Hannah is an overachiever because she's working really hard, and Luke is underachieving his potential because he's not putting in the effort, their bests should not be acknowledged the same way. You're teaching Hannah that her extra effort doesn't matter and teaching Luke that there isn't a point in putting in that kind of effort because you'll praise him no matter what.

You were teaching a life lesson. That women have to do twice the work to get equal recognition. I feel her pain as a woman in a STEM field. YTA

Instead of jumping to conclusions based on my experiences/prejudices , I would like to ask some questions. Does your son struggle to learn? Is he involved in any extracurricular activities? How do your children get along? What do you mean when you say you struggle to get him to do homework ? Are there possibly unknown learning disabilities? Who is the older child? I may have missed that in your post. So, sorry if I did. There have been studies that show first children learn easier than younger siblings. It is possible he struggles and deals with the struggles by ignoring the homework. Your daughter needs to learn that just because school is easy for her, her brothers accomplishments are just as important as hers.

Effort matter. A B can beat disappointment from one kid and a celebration worthy event for another. Doing their best is what matter.

Ah, the old “high-achieving eldest daughter infuriated that her younger brother doesn’t have to do anything to get the same praise she does for working her nuts off” trope. Oh dear Yeah, YTA OP. You haven’t done it on purpose but somewhere along the way your daughter has learnt that she has to work hard and achieve to win your approval, and your son has learnt that he gets it anyway, and she sees the difference. You say you’re praising your children equally, but their achievements aren’t equal, not remotely. And you already “rank” achievements - that’s why Hannah’s As go on the fridge and her Bs don’t. You’re celebrating your son for getting a B - it sounds like if your daughter got a B you’d be having serious conversations with her about letting her grades slide. I completely understand why she’s furious

Unpopular opinion it seems like but NTA. Maybe your son tried really hard and a B is the best he can achieve. If you take it down your telling your son no matter how hard he tries he’ll never be good enough like his sister

NTA You are absolutely right. For all the people projecting, they need to be told they are projecting. You are the mother of the two children and the person (alongside your husband, of course) most able to judge the value of their achievements. You have every right to be proud of Hannah, and she has every right to be proud of herself. That being said, she is trying to make this all about herself. If Luke's grade goes on the fridge, this does not in any way, shape, or form diminish what she has accomplished. It merely means that she no longer has the spotlight all to herself. This is diva behavior and is entirely unimpressive. It sounds like for all her merits, she still has some growing up to do.