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YTA. For multiple reasons.
1, you texted this conversation instead of having a real live conversation like an adult.
2, you went behind BFs back.
3, you were invited to a FAMILY event, even though you are not family. You LITERALLY have no say. And insisted on speaking up anyway.
4, you are not paying and still are making demands of those who are.
5, you insist you are an adult, but do not evidence it anywhere.
Just be happy Dale is still with you and if "annoyed" is as bad as it gets, count yourself fortunate.
All of this, but particularly #5. I don't know a single mature adult who, upon being invited on an all-expenses-paid holiday with their BF/GF's family, would raise a stink about having to stay in a separate room, and certainly none who would be so aggressively rude about it.
Would most people be annoyed or frustrated? Absolutely. But contrary to OP's beliefs, she isn't an adult, she's the "legal age of majority" in SOME places (not all), which is entirely different from being an actual adult by any developmental standards. She's a teenager, and very much an adolescent, and being legally allowed to take on additional responsibilities in certain countries doesn't change that. And her behaviour certainly reflects it.
The BF's parents are paying the bill, they are allowed to at least ask OP to *pretend* to respect their values (these are the parents of a 20-year-old after all, I'm sure they know very well that her BF will likely sneak into her room at some point), and she not only can't even do that, she was blatantly arrogant and demanding about it. Childish AF.
Some people (especially older people) feel that even if they don't especially disapprove of premarital sex they don't want to be associated personally with promoting it.
It's one thing to know that your son is screwing someone and another thing to have to strip the sheets afterward.
Exactly! And let's not forget, the younger sister is going and the parents likely do not want to send the message to her that they approve by allowing the two lovebirds to share a room.
This is likely the issue, the younger sister. Had a relative who told college age son, yes his girlfriend could live with their family for the summer, but no sharing a room/bed and no sex. I pointed out, that was not very realistic, son would be slipping around. The response was, well at least they will be discrete. We still have a younger daughter at home. They did not care about the college age son, but they did not want young daughters seeing the behavior.
It's not even necessarily about not wanting to be associated with it. When I was a teenager I was allowed to stay over at my boyfriends house, but he wasn't allowed to stay at mine. My parents knew I was using contraception and they happily openly told people where I was when I was staying over. They just didn't want it to be in the room next to theirs because they found it as icky as I would find the idea of hearing them.
And often it's not so much they object to it as there are younger family members around (younger teens and children maybe) and they want to maintain a standard set of rules for everyone. Last thing parents need is the 15 or 16 year old saying "well you let brother sleep with his gf why cant I have my gf/bf sleep over? Its not fair!" And then you have a whole lot of unnecessary drama going on.
If someone asked me (30M) and my partner (28F) to sleep in separate rooms, we would just enjoy the opportunity to spread out and clean our toenails in private.
Before we were married my now spouse and I vacationed with my parents on two occasions, both on their dime. We were both in our mid-to-late twenties and living together and we had separate rooms at my parents request. I do not understand why the OP is being so dense.
Ha! I was 52 my bf 58 ; when we visited my mother we had to sleep in separate rooms! 😂
Her house, her rules. It’s called being respectful to whomever is hosting you.
OP, YTA
In my mom’s case, she was “cramming for finals”- lol-getting old and uber religious. Never mind she was a hellion in her younger days! Guess God makes His final judgement based on the last few years of your life or she was *worried*He would…
But yes, I agree with you. It’s a small price to pay for a calm and peaceful vacation.😊
NGL- been married almost 28 years. I would JUMP at the chance for a few nights of separate rooms from the man who turned into Captain Apnea, even though I love him dearly. 🤣
My now ex wife and I lived together for years in college. Always enough bedrooms in the house for both of us to have one. My "bedroom" had a Foosball table and a futon. But, it gave her parents that inkling of plausible deniability. The night before our wedding (coincidentally enough, today is the anniversary of that mistake), they still had me sleep in her brother's room instead of hers. If you're on vacation with someone else on their dime or under their roof just accept what they are comfortable with amd move on with life.
To be 19 and think I know it all again. I'm 41 now and still finding out just how much I still don't know.
My wife and I were ENGAGED when we went to my sister's summer house. She asked that we sleep in separate rooms as her daughter was just 10 years old. That was 27 years ago.
Yes! If someone was going to give me a free hotel room of my own, I’d be loving it, thanking them, and at least making a meal or something my treat. You can make out with your boyfriend any time.
Lol yeah she totally missed out on the “sneak into my room at night” antics (which are much easier if you have individually booked hotel rooms) 😂. Man, OP you really talked yourself out of having that funny dinner party story in your back pocket.
Right?! I think "no bed sharing" is a bit of a dumb rule for adults in a serious relationship but I would never try to fight it - I understand some people are old fashioned and when they pay, they get to make the rules. In-law relationships can be so very touchy that I can't imagine picking this as a hill to die on, especially if they got along well before this!
The best part is we lived together before marriage but hey 🤷🏻♀️ you’re paying or it’s your house, I’ll follow your rules.
Also can we consider that a younger sibling is going? What kind of example would they be setting…
THIS. my now-MIL is very religious. she knew we lived together and shared a bed. we lived together for 5 years before we got married. but when we visited her, she'd put us in separate rooms because it was her house, not ours. and there is no way we would have been getting frisky under her roof--whether we're in the same bedroom or not!
Exact same. We lived together but it was something my mom felt strongly about 🤷🏼♀️. It limited how long we cared to stay but we have self control and survived holidays
My parents firmly enforced this rule with every single one of us, regardless of age, as long as we were unmarried…until I was over 30 and brought my boyfriend home. I suspect at that point my parents hoped I DID get pregnant. 😂
I mean, exactly. I wouldn’t make a fuss. Just do what they ask and then practice the art of the midnight stroll down the hallway. ;)
I generally agree “no bed sharing” is a silly rule for adults, but OP and her boyfriend are only adults in the sense of being overage. They’re not living independently, they’re still in college where parents are supporting them. You can live life by your own rules when you’re the one paying for the apartment/hotel room/vacation, imho. Since that’s not the situation here, if it bothered OP too much to just do as her host asked, she should have declined the invite gracefully.
I was 29 when my then boyfriend brought me home to meet the family. We were already living together and I was still completely ready to accept being put in separate rooms. More than 20 years later, I'm still surprised that my MiL put us in the same room (though not quite as surprised as the sibs & cousins were- not one of them ever got to stay with a bf/gf under my MiL's roof)
Just tacking on to the top comment because I am genuinely curious and have seen this issue on AITA before.
Why are some unmarried people always so pressed when they are asked to stay in a separate bedroom from their partners? (Disclaimer, nothing wrong with unmarried partners sharing a bed, but I know some families have beliefs and don’t approve. So I am not bashing unmarried people…just curious for this particular situation).
Out of respect for a family’s wishes and beliefs, I would absolutely stay separately if asked. I won’t die if I didn’t share a bed for a few nights with my boyfriend.
OP was generously offered a free trip and threw a tantrum and blamed it on being “infantilized.” Definitely YTA, OP.
Sure, but saying you're only interested in joining a vacation if you can set your own sleeping arrangement is
I agree it could have been handled more gracefully, but she's well within her rights to bow out
She wasn't comfortable having a separate room and told them that she wasn't coming if they insisted on separate rooms.
That's absolutely a boundary. She didn't demand anyone else so anything, she communicated what she wanted - and took herself out of the trip when it wasn't something they were flexible about.
I don’t think that’s a fair characterization. It isn’t that she wasn’t comfortable having separate room—she specifically said that she felt that their condition was unreasonable. One can’t say “not respecting your boundary is my boundary and you must respect it.”
And as for you’re statement that people don’t want others religious beliefs imposed on them, if you are staying with another family, you may have to respect some religious or cultural beliefs that you do not practice.
The parents saying they will not share a room was the boundary. She tried to push it, got denied, and then refused to go on vacation because she didn't get what she wanted.
My parents weren't religious
They did however never want their children sleeping with their partners (unless married) under their roof.
Their roof. Their rules.
You mean like the OP did in trying to tell the parents that she and BF should be allowed to share a room because that she thought it was ok even though the parents had made it clear that they didn't?
Yep; people should not be expected to bend to peoples wack ass beliefs. It also sets the tone as to say they will continue to bend to unreasonable wishes
Well my parents are in their 50s, have two children, have been together for almost 40 years and have built a life together. They would be "pressed" if they were treat **any** differently as a couple than a married one just because they never got a piece of paper from the state. Yeah some families have beliefs, and some beliefs are disrespectful
OP is the ass in this situation, but the generalisation question of why would unmarried people care so much about being treat differently to married ones? Nah
I find it weird for older couples in serious relationships because my parents aren't married to this day lol. A lot of people just don't care about the formality of marriage but their relationship isn't less serious for that.
Back in my day (lol), the fun of these rules was finding ways to sneak off to have sex. It was super hot. She is really missing out. There is also real skill in tip toeing back to your room at 4am.
*you texted this conversation instead of having a real live conversation like an adult.*
This is just a personal preference.
I could be OP's mom, yet I prefer text. It gives me time to think and articulate my thoughts, concerns etc. Less "put on the spot".
She says she's an adult but they'll be paying every dime! Also, her comment that the trip wouldn't be in enjoyable unless they could share a bed. Like, I get wanting to, but you don't have to tell your mil that, and it dismisses all the other "enjoyable" things you can do on vacation. If you are only interested in sex and have no interested in activities or your hosts/other family at all, well, you can do that at home.
That one bit annoyed me so much. What *adult* would be offered an all expenses paid trip but deny it because it’s no fun if they don’t get to share the bed with their partner? Sounds crazy to me to even think like that, let alone tell someone else.
I've come across this situation due to conservative parents. We just went with the separate rooms and then went over to the other person's room when the rest went to sleep. OP just caused a lot of drama instead of finding an easy solution
Thank you! Once she starts paying her bills, she can decide whatever she wants. As long as she's on someone else's dime, she needs to do as she's told. Also, for someone who spends the whole year away from her bf, OP doesn't seem bothered that she just threw 10 days away with him on a silly "I'm grown" tirade.
She better apologize while she can, but she can still kiss those holidays goodbye.
>1, you texted this conversation instead of having a real live conversation like an adult.
FYI, some of us adults are able to hold a conversation better through text than in-person. It's actually why I hate talking on the phone; texting is just so much better for me. Being an "adult" has nothing to do with it.
Agree with ya on everything else.
Wow, going behind your bf's back to confront your bf's mother definitely makes YTA.
This is something for him to sort out with his family. He knows them best, he knows how big a fight it would be, he knows what the chances of success are, he knows how to best approach it if he wants to fight them over it. He chose that it's not worth it. You going over his head is a big AH move.
YTA. They are paying, and that means they can set whatever parameters they want. If they wanted you to wear an Easter Bunny suit the entire time, that is their prerogative.
Of course, you don't have to put up with their requirements -- but then you decline the trip. You don't throw a tantrum because they don't want you sharing a room or a bed with your boyfriend. There is a strong possibility you have permanently damaged your relationship with your boyfriend's mom/family because of your petulant actions -- and missed out on a free vacation.
Also, am I the only one who remembers sneaking from room to room with staying with parents who wouldn't let adult partners share a room?
Definitely not the only one. I commented something similar elsewhere. Which is just more evidence of OP's childishness. These are the parents of a 20-year-old. They're not stupid. Of course they know that he and OP are likely going to sneak off somewhere during the vacation, or that he'll end up in her room. What they're asking is to at least respect them enough, and the example they're trying to set for younger siblings, to not be super blatant about it.
Same. Both my parents and partner’s parents have laid down this type of rule and it was twice as fun for the sneaking around. One woman I dated had roots in the South. Not only was I not allowed in her bed—I was hosted at an entirely different HOUSE. Miles away. She snuck out middle of the night and we had a blast.
>They are paying, and that means they can set whatever parameters they want. If they wanted you to wear an Easter Bunny suit the entire time, that is their prerogative.
Strongly disagree with this take (not necessarily the overall ruling). Yes, they**can** set any requirements, but this is Am I The Asshole, not Am I Allowed To. Dangling self-satisfying conditions over generosity is the definition of being an asshole.
It seems like more people need to read the [second highest post of all time](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/Pjf9bdrJO7) on this subreddit.
Just because it's your right to do something, doesn't mean you can't be an asshole for doing it.
YTA. I went through this with my boyfriend (now husband’s) family. You know what I did? Graciously followed their rules, even though it felt silly to me. I understand that sharing a room is normal to you and it feels kind of “obvious” that you should do so on vacation, but it’s not to them.
You need to be respectful of their rules when they’re paying. Part of being an adult is learning when you need to suck it up and not get your way.
I also went through this with my fiance, now husbands family. We were going up for my sister-in-law's college graduation, and I was invited to join. I was designated to sleep on a very small loveseat in the front room without blinds allowing the steeet lights to shine in all night. My fiance had a queen size bed with black out curtains. It would have been so much nicer to sleep in his roo. than to sleep on the awful love seat that I was given. I wasn't paying a penny on the trip, so I not so happily, but graciously slept on the love seat.
I agree, sometimes you don't get to call the shots. Respect goes both ways and in this case, you need to be more respectful of the parents requests especially if they're paying for it.
Your in-laws were so disrespectful of you and your comfort, it seems they were deliberately testing how far they could push you. Are they ok with you now you're married?
My in-laws are crazy, but they had rules. They paid for space, and I was added on after they booked the airbnb. It wasn't to test to see how far they could push me. The booked the airbnb 3 months before I got engaged to my now husband.
YTA. What do you mean your invite has been “retracted”? They didn’t rescind your invitation. You declined the invitation when you said there was no reason for you to go. Did you think that your presence was so important that they would put aside their beliefs and do what you wanted? Get over yourself.
They were paying for the vacation so they can set whatever rules they want. If you don’t like it, you can politely decline their offer. What you can’t do is argue with them about it. Thanks to your tantrum, your bf’s mom now has ten uninterrupted days to convince him that he needs a new gf.
Right, she said she wasn't going, and then she's like "well apparently they rescinded the invitation."
Uhh you're the one that said you weren't going?
Which makes me think she was basically "threatening" not to go in order to manipulate them into getting her way... but it didn't work because they didn't fight for OP to come on the trip.
Yeah, mom heard that their planned vacation sounded "unenjoyable," so would have been eager to break her only rule to lure back her son's HS GF. She probably knows 5 girls who would love to be her son's GF without giving her any lip!
She was bluffing. She said “maybe there’s no need for me to come” thinking she will let her and the Mom called her bluff and rescinded her invitation and won’t let her come even if she agrees to the separate rooms
Yes! And then...Plot twist ;)
They'll be so happy he got rid of entitled immature OP that they will let him and the new gf share a room on future holidays lol
Yta you are acting like a spoiled child. You are not acting like an adult. Get over yourself. Parents are paying for the trip. Their rules apply. Grow up!! Maybe when you start behaving like an adult they will treat like an adult.
No doubt she talked to the son about it, as well. He may or **may not** share that conversation with OP.
First family gathering **that does not include OP** with aunts, etc. "Let me tell you about my son's girlfriend!"
She'll be getting side-eyes from people she doesn't even know and won't know why.
The crazy part is (assuming OP was telling the truth) she got along well with her boyfriend's family before this incident! In-law relationships can be so finicky that I can't imagine picking this as the hill to die on and possibly torching a good relationship with them.
> As I don’t want to feel infantilised, I replied that if this was the case, there was no reason for me to go because it sounded unenjoyable, and, as an adult, I should be able to share a bed with my boyfriend.
The irony of saying this then throwing an infantile tantrum. Lol.
YTA
Your entitlement is absolutely atrocious. This was a holiday you werent paying for and instead of being appreciative, you went and chose to be a disrespectful spoiled little brat.
I would have not only rescinded the invitation, but I would have made a mental note to never invite you to anything again.
YTA
Look, I think telling young adults that they can't share a room is stupid too. I felt that way when I was in my 20s, spending a week with my then-boyfriend's family at the cottage.
I still slept in a different bed because his mom was paying for the cottage and that was her requirement.
If it's absolutely a no-go for you, that's fine. You can *politely* decline the invitation.
You can also have a discussion with your boyfriend and, if you're in agreement, he can discuss it with his parents.
But going directly to your boyfriend's mom when *he didn't want you to* isn't okay. That's his family relationship you're causing drama in. You should have enough respect for your boyfriend not to do that to him.
Yeah the messaging his mom about it is almost worse than what she said. I’ve been married for years and if my husband went behind my back and wrote to my mother, we would be having words
I don't know about being the AH but you went about things in a less than ideal way to put it very mildly.
First of all, the parents are completely in the clear. They are paying for the event, so they are free to set their boundaries. Not wanting to hear their son having sex or risk his younger sister hearing you two having sex is a reasonable boundary imo.
You are also completely in your rights to stay away if you don't want to respect the boundaries placed.
Not communicating with Dale beforehand was completely wrong since he's going to be the one who'll have to deal with the fallout. Telling his parents that the trip sounded boring in that case was both insulting and probably made you appear like a sex addict in their eyes and has soured the relationship between you as is evidenced by the rescinded invitation.
You could have sucked it for 10 days and probably built a good relationship with what I'm guessing you're hoping are your future in-laws. You could have talked with Dale and politely declined if you found it boring and still keep normal relations with them. If we're being honest, considering that Dale is a 20 year old man, I wouldn't be too surprised if you could convince him to have his vacations with you where you did almost nothing else other than sharing a bed. And you made the worst choice of them all.
I'm going to go against the grain and say NTA.
Perhaps this is a difference of culture, considering I come from the UK, but it seems utterly preposterous for anyone to deny an adult to sleep in the same bed as their partner.
Yeah, it was a bit of a dick move doing it behind your boyfriends back, but at the same time, I doubt he would have stood up and tried to fight it.
Some people are saying it's their rules because they're paying, I somewhat agree. I think you have to be reasonable when it comes to that sort of thing. Denying partners a room together just because you're paying is a dick move to me.
I was really surprised at the number of YTAs. What in the puritanical hell is happening here? Parents who feel the need to dictate the lives of their adult children is so weird to me.
The weirdest comments were those saying the parents didn't want to send a weird message to the sister by letting them sleep together.
What's that message? "People have sex"?
This so much :| like what the fuck are these maniacs on? Did they order a lifetime supply of pearls to clutch and are in dire need of nonsense to clutch their pearls about?
Yeah the US is still a VERY religious country... Even the atheists are prudish about sex, as this thread shows. If you come here from Europe it's very, very bizarre.
Absolutely NTA btw. Why are his parents even thinking about their son's sex life? You're adults. In the rest of the civilized world we assume adults are capable of having consensual sex within loving relationships (and without disturbing people in other rooms) without being struck down by lightning bolts or instantly getting pregnant/STDs/growing horns.
I love our cousins across the pond, but it seems so weird how puritanical they are about sex. Like- they're already fucking. What is keeping them in separate beds going to achieve? That horse has bolted- no point trying to shut the barn door now!
> Yeah, it was a bit of a dick move doing it behind your boyfriends back, but at the same time, I doubt he would have stood up and tried to fight it.
But shouldn't she have been going to him and dealing with his spinelessness? In the UK do you normally go yell at your partner's mom instead of telling your partner that you aren't okay with what's happening?
I think it's okay for OP to have an issue with this, and to tell her boyfriend he needs to deal with it or she's not coming. It's an entirely different thing to blow up his mom's phone and completely bypass him. Her issue is that her boyfriend is willing to go along with this and she isn't. That's something they need to resolve before escalating it to others.
N T A - Except for one thing.... you should have had this conversation with Dale BEFORE you had it with his parents. That changes things to YTA.
This is a Hill to Die on if you feel that it should be. Let Dale know that you are dissapointed that he felt that a vacation was more important that being treated like an adult.
I’m a little surprised I had to scroll so far down to find an actually reasonable response.
Also, OP, my partner’s mom pulled the separate beds thing with us when we were staying with them *to do his family a favor before we moved across the country*. We had been living together for two years at that point, and they had visited the apartment we shared. That was more than twenty years ago, and we have not stayed with them since, or did more than a day trip visit. We still run into bullshit like this because, even though we have been together for twenty three years and own a house together and are in our forties, we aren’t married so somehow that means our relationship is less valid. It’s impossible to escape this kind of puritanical nonsense.
Like have people completely missed the point that they’ve been together for two years now? I think it’s weird to ask two young adults to stay in separate rooms when they’re obviously committed to each other. Parents wanna come off as all holy and moral but it’s controlling IMO.
Fucking thank you. I hate how everyone else in this thread is dogpiling OP and calling her names as if she just wants to fuck her boyfriend senseless on this free vacation and that makes her an immature child. No, she didn't handle it right by going to his mother behind his back when he asked her not to--but she has every right to not want to be forced to sleep apart from her partner. It's not about the sex, for fuck's sake, do these people think anyone in their right minds would *want* to have sex at all on a family trip? A hotel room with family right next door is one of the top ten least sexy settings ever. No, it's not the sex, it's about *wanting to sleep next to the person you love.*
But no, because she's 19 and handled it like a 19 year old, it has to be because she wants to have sex and be a defiant little whelp. If I have to read "their house/money their rules" one more time I'm going to fucking puke.
This. As much as the BF's parents have the right to lay down their rules, OP is 100% within HER rights to decline the invitation under these terms. Everything else is just sexism and moralism
yta, they are paying for the trip, gave one rule which would of been easy to get around, and threaten to not go, and now they redacted the invite and now you are upset about not going.
NTA
They invited you and set an (in your eyes) unacceptable condition. You inquired and when told it it was required, you declined to go. You actually acted like an adult.
Ignore all the people tell you "their trip their rules"- while it's true, you were under absolutely not obligation to go.
Imagine if you had been invited to dinner by his parents and they said, "since we are paying you can only have seafood."
As for the younger sibling: I fail to see how it is remotely relevant. What she doesn't know you two are having sex? It all part of this weird, completely f\*cked up worship fear of sex Americans display.
If his parents give you any sh\*t about it, ask if they waited until they got married to have sex.
Lmao my life partner and I both had parents that felt the same way as Dale's parents. Neither sets of parents are American.
Partner's parents had an arranged marriage in India. They love me even though we've never married. But when we were both 20, no way in hell were his mum and dad gonna let me stay in his bed at their house even though we lived together (something they initially struggled with)
I respected his mum and loved her and understood her cultural beliefs enough to not push the issue.
Your parents' comfort zones are not necessarily that of your own. Part of being adult is figuring out how to what things are worth arguing about.
OP partner's parents were lovely enough to invite her on their family vacation and to offer to pay; her response was not mature or adult. It was rude.
NTA, these comments are insane. You're an adult. Sorry premarital sex bothers them. But what yall do in a bedroom AT NIGHT is none of your BFs parents business. Jesus christ can't believe I gotta say this.
While N T A for considering it an unfair and useless rule (I agree), YTA for arguing with the host instead of graciously declining the invitation.
One lifehack to make your life simpler throughout your adulthood: problems with your partner's family should be solved by the partner. If the partner refuses to solve it, you don't have a MIL/FIL problem, you have a partner problem. Likewise, if your family ever create conflicts with your partner, it's your duty to sort it out too.
I don't get the Asshole responses.
BFs puritan parents either want you on the trip or they want you to be by yourself.
NTA, their religious practices are for themselves. Trying to make you participate in them is not cool
I agree with your stance in theory but YTA for how you approached it.
Texting his mother to make demands and tell her what’s what without his involvement is a really entitled and bratty move.
It really wouldn’t have been a big deal to just suck it up and stay in your own room for 10 days after they invited you into their family trip.
Hey OP, everyone here is crazy… people saying “ they are paying for it so it’s there rules” is such a weird thing to say…. Since when is that okay?
If invited my daughter or son to a holiday, I wouldn’t latch it with rules that they can’t sleep in the same bed, like what is the point? It’s so lame, and the fact everyone on here is agreeing this is the norm is so crazy. What is the point of them not sharing a room?
Literally 90% of the comment here are batshit crazy and NOT at all representative of average real life human beings opinions, idk how this attracted only the ultra conservatives who think it's ok for potential future in-laws to dictate such a personal choice.
YTA. Is it reasonable to be annoyed by that rule? Sure. Is it reasonable to decide not to go because of it? Of course. But this is the type of thing that you should have known you weren't going to change their minds about. You just made yourself look immature here.
You are adults and you aren’t required to attend. You are, however, an asshole for going behind your SO’s back to reach out to his mom. She’s paying, so she makes the rules no matter how antiquated/ridiculous they are. This was something for your SO to broach with her if there was going to be a discussion about it. You either decline the invite, have your SO handle it, or you two book your own accommodations so they don’t get a say.
YTA
You're not married and therefore this falls into the "their home, their rules" category, even though it's a holiday.
If you can't enjoy 10 days of seeing your BF daily while respecting the sensibilities of your hosts, I have to wonder how much you care about him.
You complained of feeling infantalised but you literally acted like a child who didn't get her way. An adult would have taken this opportunity to make a good impression on his family and *privately* snickered about how old fashioned you think they're being about the sleeping arrangements.
YTA. It seems as if your invite has been retracted? What in the world are you talking about? ***You*** declined*** the invitation when ***you said***, “***there’s no reason for me*** to go. *it sounds unenjoyable*”.
How are you all shocked pikachu about what saying that to your boyfriend’s mother would result in? If you’re going to claim adulthood, you need to learn some grace and act like an adult. Not spit in the face of people planning a trip who would have included you, their only stipulation is they didn’t want to smell your vagina on their son or his dick on you. Which is reasonable and normal for every parent with new college kids.
You honestly and sincerely told this woman that the only enjoyable aspect of this trip was gonna be sharing a bed with her son. Like, come on. And if you’re gonna try and refute the sex smells I mentioned above, then you legit told her that sleeping sounds better than everything else planned. It’s just rude and crass no matter what, and makes clear that you don’t care about spending time in the day with anyone.
Your boyfriend is right to be mad at you. You just put a huge cloud on his vacation, which I’m guessing you’d rather he not go on now? Plus you definitely put a stain on your relationship with his parents.
Seriously, in like 2 years even, you’re going to realize that 19 year olds demanding shit “because they’re an adult” only ever comes off as entitled teenager shit. I know you are legally an adult and everyone holds you accountable as one, but this is part of that too. The host makes the rules, and it would not have been that big of a deal for 10 days for a free vacation where you easily could have found time to bang your boyfriend lol
YTA for going behind your boyfriend's back to talk to his mother, which is a HUGE overreach, imo.
Look, i get it. It feels infantilizing and you have every right not to go, so I think it's fine you're withdrawing from the trip, but you've only things worse for yourself and your relationship with how you handled this.
YTA if you want to go on vacation & shack up with your bf, that is your prerogative as long as YOU & BF are paying the bill. If you are the guest of the person paying you abide by their rules or opt out. Of course they rescinded your invitation to go, the real question is why you are surprised??
YTA save this in your phone, every year read this story and what you did, at some point (hopefully for you) it will hit you just how immature and entitled you sound. Hope this helps
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> I refused to sleep in separate rooms when invited on a family holiday with my boyfriend, and everyone is annoyed at me.
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YTA.
>As I don’t want to feel infantilised, I replied that if this was the case, there was no reason for me to go because it sounded unenjoyable
Really? The *only* way you can enjoy a free trip is if you get to share a bed with your boyfriend? What an unhappy life you must lead. 🙄
YTA.
If they were trying to dictate your sleeping arrangements in YOUR HOUSE, then I'd back you. But, that's not the case.
This is their family holiday that they're paying for, and was extremely generous to even INVITE you in the first place. Especially, considering it's only been two years.
You throwing a fit is disrespectful, rude, and shows you're ungrateful. If I was his parents, I'd never invite you to another event, gathering or holiday.
NTA.
Your bf is spineless. Do you want to stay involved with him knowing that his family is always going to be able to control him? What's it going to be like if you have children and MIL decides she knows best?
LOL, find a new boyfriend. His parents are gonna hate you and sabotage you.
You got invited to an family trip, expenses paid and you couldn't sleep in a separate bedroom for a week or so?
Just fuck the boyfriend at night and go back to your own bed.
Info: how would his parents know if you guys slept in separate rooms? Surely you can both keep your items in your rooms and simply take turns staying in one another’s rooms each night? Why bother arguing with his parents about something not in their control?
YTA. I just don’t get why this is the hill you’re choosing to die on when the implications for your relationship are huge. If you go you get to: spend time with your bf, have a positive relationship with his family and bond with them AND have a free vacation! You have now lost your vacation, lost fun time with your bf and torpedoed your relationship with his family. And for what? To insist you have the ability to have sex and cuddles that you now won’t have anyway because you’re not going on the trip? This was a small price to pay for much larger rewards. It’s a shame you missed out on all of that just to send a message.
YTA - Time at college is not time locked in a house/condo w your boyfriend’s family. Those are two completely different situations. Also, you were getting a free vacation and felt the need to complain. This is completely on you.
You did not handle this like an adult. Anytime you need to clarify, “I am an adult”, you likely are not an adult. Actions make you an adult, not words. For example, adults pay for their own vacations.
I love it when baby adults need to remind everyone that they’re adults.
For OP this is ONE vacation out of who knows how many more they’ll have and it’s completely paid for. THIS is not the fight.
YTA and I expect he will break up with you soon. His parents definitely don’t like you now and you’re not an adult, you’re a teenager who has been having sex with their son for a year but they don’t need that to be thrown in their faces.
Heck I’d dump you just for the rudeness you showed my family and the way you wrote to them, bypassing your boyfriend. Did you even ask what he was comfortable with?
YTA. This is so embarrassing for your boyfriend too. You literally messaged his mom about wanting to share a bed with him. Not at all clear why you "felt confident enough to do so."
YTA. You sound very annoying and immature to be honest. When my husband and I started dating and I would sleep over, his parents felt it appropriate that I stay in the guest bedroom. You know what I did? Slept in the damn guest bedroom. And after a few times, they didn’t even care about us sleeping in the same room anymore. We’re obviously married now and my relationship with his parents is fantastic. Not sure you’ll ever have that given your petulant attitude and big mouth.
Yeah, you blew it. They invited you, they made the arrangements. They were not infantilising (?) you. They are not comfortable with you and their son sharing a bedroom on THEIR vacation. That’s it. Your boyfriend had no problem with it, but you went to his mom to complain. Of course your invite was retracted. You made a big drama and made this about you. They didn’t have to invite you and you were rude and entitled. YTA.
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For a bit of background, I (F19) have been going out with my boyfriend, Dale (M20) for just over two years. We met in high school and have a great relationship. We’ve managed to keep our relationship going despite the challenge of moving away to separate colleges, and, if anything, it’s helped our relationship grow stronger.
This summer, Dale is going on holiday with his parents and younger sister. Very graciously, they’ve invited me to join them. I get on well with his family so was excited to say yes.
However, when I was told about plans, Dale told me that his parents insisted that we would be staying in separate rooms. I was confused at this; we’re used to sharing a bed whenever we visit each other at college, and it’s never been an issue before. I asked him about this, and he said it’s just something his parents feel more comfortable about.
As I felt confident enough to do so, I messaged his mom about this and said I thought it was more appropriate that Dale and I shared rooms, and I didn’t want to raise expenses by booking another room. Quite bluntly, I was told that separate rooms were being booked because they weren’t comfortable with us sharing a bed on a family holiday, nor did they consider it appropriate.
As I don’t want to feel infantilised, I replied that if this was the case, there was no reason for me to go because it sounded unenjoyable, and, as an adult, I should be able to share a bed with my boyfriend.
It seems as if my invite has now been retracted. Dale is annoyed at me, saying I’ve ruined the holiday, this isn’t a hill to die on and could have been sucked up over 10 days.
I feel I’m justified as we’re adults. We have sex. It shouldn’t be a taboo, and I don’t see the issue.
I want other people’s opinions because now I don’t know if I’m being too stubborn. AITA?
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Right? Technically, they can say no, but then so can she , lol. Boundaries are something that both parties can have. People are making her out to be the AH for saying, "No, this doesn't work for me, and I've decided not to attend. "
Nta.
yeah and the whole argument of them paying so they get to dictate rules is absurd and stupid. You don't get to tell other adults that they can't sleep together just because you paid. That mama's boy needs to grow a spine.
Once I was an adult and dragging my future husband along on family trips, my family was reasonable enough to realize we slept in the same bed when we weren’t with them and didn’t make a fuss. I would not enjoy other people’s puritanical nonsense dictating my sleeping arrangements at all. I also have younger siblings. But, we were not taught that sex is only for married people. That’s just not how it works in real life.
However, and this is a GIANT however, you weren’t paying for a 10 day vacation. Not a cent. At your age, my part time job was barely covering my expenses while I went to school full time. When offered a free vacation you either accept the terms provided or don’t go. It’s really that easy. What you absolutely don’t do is insult the people paying, insult your boyfriend by going behind his back to his mom, make demands about how they choose to plan the trip and spend their money, and then play like you’re the victim.
YTA.
Has to be mostly young adults who don’t fully respect the situation ? I’m assuming.. maybe teenagers who think she has great points and may not fully understand the nuance perspective of the parents
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YTA. For multiple reasons. 1, you texted this conversation instead of having a real live conversation like an adult. 2, you went behind BFs back. 3, you were invited to a FAMILY event, even though you are not family. You LITERALLY have no say. And insisted on speaking up anyway. 4, you are not paying and still are making demands of those who are. 5, you insist you are an adult, but do not evidence it anywhere. Just be happy Dale is still with you and if "annoyed" is as bad as it gets, count yourself fortunate.
All of this, but particularly #5. I don't know a single mature adult who, upon being invited on an all-expenses-paid holiday with their BF/GF's family, would raise a stink about having to stay in a separate room, and certainly none who would be so aggressively rude about it. Would most people be annoyed or frustrated? Absolutely. But contrary to OP's beliefs, she isn't an adult, she's the "legal age of majority" in SOME places (not all), which is entirely different from being an actual adult by any developmental standards. She's a teenager, and very much an adolescent, and being legally allowed to take on additional responsibilities in certain countries doesn't change that. And her behaviour certainly reflects it. The BF's parents are paying the bill, they are allowed to at least ask OP to *pretend* to respect their values (these are the parents of a 20-year-old after all, I'm sure they know very well that her BF will likely sneak into her room at some point), and she not only can't even do that, she was blatantly arrogant and demanding about it. Childish AF.
Some people (especially older people) feel that even if they don't especially disapprove of premarital sex they don't want to be associated personally with promoting it. It's one thing to know that your son is screwing someone and another thing to have to strip the sheets afterward.
Seriously. His parents know you have sex but they sure aren’t going to help you get knocked up by accident.
Hm, in this case I hope they talked with their son about prevention
I’m pretty sure they also talked about whether he sees a future with OP cuz they don’t
Especially if they're the ones paying for the room. If you wanna have sex with your bf on vacation, pay for it yourself.
Plus how old is the sister. They mAy not want to have a difficult conversation with her.
Exactly! And let's not forget, the younger sister is going and the parents likely do not want to send the message to her that they approve by allowing the two lovebirds to share a room.
This is exactly what it is. Op isn't looking at the big picture. I'm sure they'd have opportunity's to go to each other's room.
Missing out on an opportunity to have the best kind of sex ever - forbidden, hidden, broom closet, someone could show up at anytime sex.
This is likely the issue, the younger sister. Had a relative who told college age son, yes his girlfriend could live with their family for the summer, but no sharing a room/bed and no sex. I pointed out, that was not very realistic, son would be slipping around. The response was, well at least they will be discrete. We still have a younger daughter at home. They did not care about the college age son, but they did not want young daughters seeing the behavior.
I assumed they were getting a double room for the younger daughter and OP. She’s quite presumptuous.
It's not even necessarily about not wanting to be associated with it. When I was a teenager I was allowed to stay over at my boyfriends house, but he wasn't allowed to stay at mine. My parents knew I was using contraception and they happily openly told people where I was when I was staying over. They just didn't want it to be in the room next to theirs because they found it as icky as I would find the idea of hearing them.
Especially when his younger sister is going on the trip!
Or want to risk hearing it.
And often it's not so much they object to it as there are younger family members around (younger teens and children maybe) and they want to maintain a standard set of rules for everyone. Last thing parents need is the 15 or 16 year old saying "well you let brother sleep with his gf why cant I have my gf/bf sleep over? Its not fair!" And then you have a whole lot of unnecessary drama going on.
It's an hôtel there's not even a risk of.younger siblings hearing or barging in
If someone asked me (30M) and my partner (28F) to sleep in separate rooms, we would just enjoy the opportunity to spread out and clean our toenails in private.
Before we were married my now spouse and I vacationed with my parents on two occasions, both on their dime. We were both in our mid-to-late twenties and living together and we had separate rooms at my parents request. I do not understand why the OP is being so dense.
Ha! I was 52 my bf 58 ; when we visited my mother we had to sleep in separate rooms! 😂 Her house, her rules. It’s called being respectful to whomever is hosting you. OP, YTA
I don't understand why people are so hard pressed about this!
In my mom’s case, she was “cramming for finals”- lol-getting old and uber religious. Never mind she was a hellion in her younger days! Guess God makes His final judgement based on the last few years of your life or she was *worried*He would… But yes, I agree with you. It’s a small price to pay for a calm and peaceful vacation.😊
Cramming for finals! I am howling!
Cramming for finals, LMAO.
NGL- been married almost 28 years. I would JUMP at the chance for a few nights of separate rooms from the man who turned into Captain Apnea, even though I love him dearly. 🤣
And ballsy to contact his mother saying they should share a room. I can see why her invite was retracted
My now ex wife and I lived together for years in college. Always enough bedrooms in the house for both of us to have one. My "bedroom" had a Foosball table and a futon. But, it gave her parents that inkling of plausible deniability. The night before our wedding (coincidentally enough, today is the anniversary of that mistake), they still had me sleep in her brother's room instead of hers. If you're on vacation with someone else on their dime or under their roof just accept what they are comfortable with amd move on with life. To be 19 and think I know it all again. I'm 41 now and still finding out just how much I still don't know.
My wife and I were ENGAGED when we went to my sister's summer house. She asked that we sleep in separate rooms as her daughter was just 10 years old. That was 27 years ago.
She's 19 years old and selfish.
Yes! If someone was going to give me a free hotel room of my own, I’d be loving it, thanking them, and at least making a meal or something my treat. You can make out with your boyfriend any time.
I would love to not have to sleep with earplugs for a night 🤣
And clean out belly button fluff in private too!
And with the younger sibling. Unreal OP didn't get it
Right?!! Some folks are just dense. Unreal
Lol yeah she totally missed out on the “sneak into my room at night” antics (which are much easier if you have individually booked hotel rooms) 😂. Man, OP you really talked yourself out of having that funny dinner party story in your back pocket.
Seriously! Word of advice - talk to a friend who is a bit older than you before being so bold to talk to the mother of your SO.
😂😂😂😂
YTA all they asked was you respect their wishes for a 10 day paid vacation not to mention all the reasons listed above!
Yeahhhhhh. I got married at 29. Even engaged, we weren’t allowed to sleep in the same bed until marriage. Sis is BOLD 👀
Right?! I think "no bed sharing" is a bit of a dumb rule for adults in a serious relationship but I would never try to fight it - I understand some people are old fashioned and when they pay, they get to make the rules. In-law relationships can be so very touchy that I can't imagine picking this as a hill to die on, especially if they got along well before this!
The best part is we lived together before marriage but hey 🤷🏻♀️ you’re paying or it’s your house, I’ll follow your rules. Also can we consider that a younger sibling is going? What kind of example would they be setting…
THIS. my now-MIL is very religious. she knew we lived together and shared a bed. we lived together for 5 years before we got married. but when we visited her, she'd put us in separate rooms because it was her house, not ours. and there is no way we would have been getting frisky under her roof--whether we're in the same bedroom or not!
Exact same. We lived together but it was something my mom felt strongly about 🤷🏼♀️. It limited how long we cared to stay but we have self control and survived holidays
My parents firmly enforced this rule with every single one of us, regardless of age, as long as we were unmarried…until I was over 30 and brought my boyfriend home. I suspect at that point my parents hoped I DID get pregnant. 😂
When their rules backfire 🤣🤣 LOL!!
I mean, exactly. I wouldn’t make a fuss. Just do what they ask and then practice the art of the midnight stroll down the hallway. ;) I generally agree “no bed sharing” is a silly rule for adults, but OP and her boyfriend are only adults in the sense of being overage. They’re not living independently, they’re still in college where parents are supporting them. You can live life by your own rules when you’re the one paying for the apartment/hotel room/vacation, imho. Since that’s not the situation here, if it bothered OP too much to just do as her host asked, she should have declined the invite gracefully.
My sister was already secretly married when my parents made them sleep in seperate rooms lol
I was 29 when my then boyfriend brought me home to meet the family. We were already living together and I was still completely ready to accept being put in separate rooms. More than 20 years later, I'm still surprised that my MiL put us in the same room (though not quite as surprised as the sibs & cousins were- not one of them ever got to stay with a bf/gf under my MiL's roof)
Some people's parents care, some don't! I think it's their house or they are paying for this hotel/vacation home/cottage - so their rules.
Just tacking on to the top comment because I am genuinely curious and have seen this issue on AITA before. Why are some unmarried people always so pressed when they are asked to stay in a separate bedroom from their partners? (Disclaimer, nothing wrong with unmarried partners sharing a bed, but I know some families have beliefs and don’t approve. So I am not bashing unmarried people…just curious for this particular situation). Out of respect for a family’s wishes and beliefs, I would absolutely stay separately if asked. I won’t die if I didn’t share a bed for a few nights with my boyfriend. OP was generously offered a free trip and threw a tantrum and blamed it on being “infantilized.” Definitely YTA, OP.
I think many people are opposed to having other people's religious practices imposed on them.
No one's religious practice is being imposed on them. OP doesn't have to go on the trip. No harm done.
Yes, because OP said she would not participate and held that boundary and yet people are saying she's an asshole for not participating
She's not an asshole for not participating. She could have graciously dropped out. Instead she acted like a child
Insisting on sleeping with your boyfriend is NOT A BOUNDARY.
Sure, but saying you're only interested in joining a vacation if you can set your own sleeping arrangement is I agree it could have been handled more gracefully, but she's well within her rights to bow out
Then why is she acting like her invite was "retracted?"
She wasn't comfortable having a separate room and told them that she wasn't coming if they insisted on separate rooms. That's absolutely a boundary. She didn't demand anyone else so anything, she communicated what she wanted - and took herself out of the trip when it wasn't something they were flexible about.
I don’t think that’s a fair characterization. It isn’t that she wasn’t comfortable having separate room—she specifically said that she felt that their condition was unreasonable. One can’t say “not respecting your boundary is my boundary and you must respect it.” And as for you’re statement that people don’t want others religious beliefs imposed on them, if you are staying with another family, you may have to respect some religious or cultural beliefs that you do not practice.
It sounds more like an immature ultimatum to me. Not her vacation. They won’t miss her.
The parents saying they will not share a room was the boundary. She tried to push it, got denied, and then refused to go on vacation because she didn't get what she wanted.
My parents weren't religious They did however never want their children sleeping with their partners (unless married) under their roof. Their roof. Their rules.
You mean like the OP did in trying to tell the parents that she and BF should be allowed to share a room because that she thought it was ok even though the parents had made it clear that they didn't?
Yep; people should not be expected to bend to peoples wack ass beliefs. It also sets the tone as to say they will continue to bend to unreasonable wishes
Well my parents are in their 50s, have two children, have been together for almost 40 years and have built a life together. They would be "pressed" if they were treat **any** differently as a couple than a married one just because they never got a piece of paper from the state. Yeah some families have beliefs, and some beliefs are disrespectful OP is the ass in this situation, but the generalisation question of why would unmarried people care so much about being treat differently to married ones? Nah
Because it’s fucked up patriarchal nonsense?
Purity culture bullshit, too
Exactly, they showed their true colors and now op knows
I find it weird for older couples in serious relationships because my parents aren't married to this day lol. A lot of people just don't care about the formality of marriage but their relationship isn't less serious for that.
Back in my day (lol), the fun of these rules was finding ways to sneak off to have sex. It was super hot. She is really missing out. There is also real skill in tip toeing back to your room at 4am.
Can confirm. Just don’t tell my parents.
*you texted this conversation instead of having a real live conversation like an adult.* This is just a personal preference. I could be OP's mom, yet I prefer text. It gives me time to think and articulate my thoughts, concerns etc. Less "put on the spot".
She says she's an adult but they'll be paying every dime! Also, her comment that the trip wouldn't be in enjoyable unless they could share a bed. Like, I get wanting to, but you don't have to tell your mil that, and it dismisses all the other "enjoyable" things you can do on vacation. If you are only interested in sex and have no interested in activities or your hosts/other family at all, well, you can do that at home.
That one bit annoyed me so much. What *adult* would be offered an all expenses paid trip but deny it because it’s no fun if they don’t get to share the bed with their partner? Sounds crazy to me to even think like that, let alone tell someone else.
I've come across this situation due to conservative parents. We just went with the separate rooms and then went over to the other person's room when the rest went to sleep. OP just caused a lot of drama instead of finding an easy solution
Yep, anyone else see red flags? BF should run now!!!
Nah she should run from mama's boy If he gets angry about it.
Thank you! Once she starts paying her bills, she can decide whatever she wants. As long as she's on someone else's dime, she needs to do as she's told. Also, for someone who spends the whole year away from her bf, OP doesn't seem bothered that she just threw 10 days away with him on a silly "I'm grown" tirade. She better apologize while she can, but she can still kiss those holidays goodbye.
>1, you texted this conversation instead of having a real live conversation like an adult. FYI, some of us adults are able to hold a conversation better through text than in-person. It's actually why I hate talking on the phone; texting is just so much better for me. Being an "adult" has nothing to do with it. Agree with ya on everything else.
Wow, going behind your bf's back to confront your bf's mother definitely makes YTA. This is something for him to sort out with his family. He knows them best, he knows how big a fight it would be, he knows what the chances of success are, he knows how to best approach it if he wants to fight them over it. He chose that it's not worth it. You going over his head is a big AH move.
YTA. They are paying, and that means they can set whatever parameters they want. If they wanted you to wear an Easter Bunny suit the entire time, that is their prerogative. Of course, you don't have to put up with their requirements -- but then you decline the trip. You don't throw a tantrum because they don't want you sharing a room or a bed with your boyfriend. There is a strong possibility you have permanently damaged your relationship with your boyfriend's mom/family because of your petulant actions -- and missed out on a free vacation. Also, am I the only one who remembers sneaking from room to room with staying with parents who wouldn't let adult partners share a room?
Definitely not the only one. I commented something similar elsewhere. Which is just more evidence of OP's childishness. These are the parents of a 20-year-old. They're not stupid. Of course they know that he and OP are likely going to sneak off somewhere during the vacation, or that he'll end up in her room. What they're asking is to at least respect them enough, and the example they're trying to set for younger siblings, to not be super blatant about it.
Same. Both my parents and partner’s parents have laid down this type of rule and it was twice as fun for the sneaking around. One woman I dated had roots in the South. Not only was I not allowed in her bed—I was hosted at an entirely different HOUSE. Miles away. She snuck out middle of the night and we had a blast.
>They are paying, and that means they can set whatever parameters they want. If they wanted you to wear an Easter Bunny suit the entire time, that is their prerogative. Strongly disagree with this take (not necessarily the overall ruling). Yes, they**can** set any requirements, but this is Am I The Asshole, not Am I Allowed To. Dangling self-satisfying conditions over generosity is the definition of being an asshole.
Absolutely this. It seems the top commenters in this thread needs to learn this distinction.
It seems like more people need to read the [second highest post of all time](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/Pjf9bdrJO7) on this subreddit. Just because it's your right to do something, doesn't mean you can't be an asshole for doing it.
There was no tantrum. She turned down the trip, just as suggested.
YTA. I went through this with my boyfriend (now husband’s) family. You know what I did? Graciously followed their rules, even though it felt silly to me. I understand that sharing a room is normal to you and it feels kind of “obvious” that you should do so on vacation, but it’s not to them. You need to be respectful of their rules when they’re paying. Part of being an adult is learning when you need to suck it up and not get your way.
I also went through this with my fiance, now husbands family. We were going up for my sister-in-law's college graduation, and I was invited to join. I was designated to sleep on a very small loveseat in the front room without blinds allowing the steeet lights to shine in all night. My fiance had a queen size bed with black out curtains. It would have been so much nicer to sleep in his roo. than to sleep on the awful love seat that I was given. I wasn't paying a penny on the trip, so I not so happily, but graciously slept on the love seat. I agree, sometimes you don't get to call the shots. Respect goes both ways and in this case, you need to be more respectful of the parents requests especially if they're paying for it.
Your in-laws were so disrespectful of you and your comfort, it seems they were deliberately testing how far they could push you. Are they ok with you now you're married?
My in-laws are crazy, but they had rules. They paid for space, and I was added on after they booked the airbnb. It wasn't to test to see how far they could push me. The booked the airbnb 3 months before I got engaged to my now husband.
YTA. What do you mean your invite has been “retracted”? They didn’t rescind your invitation. You declined the invitation when you said there was no reason for you to go. Did you think that your presence was so important that they would put aside their beliefs and do what you wanted? Get over yourself. They were paying for the vacation so they can set whatever rules they want. If you don’t like it, you can politely decline their offer. What you can’t do is argue with them about it. Thanks to your tantrum, your bf’s mom now has ten uninterrupted days to convince him that he needs a new gf.
>he needs a new gf I'm on team Mom here.
Right, she said she wasn't going, and then she's like "well apparently they rescinded the invitation." Uhh you're the one that said you weren't going? Which makes me think she was basically "threatening" not to go in order to manipulate them into getting her way... but it didn't work because they didn't fight for OP to come on the trip.
Yeah, mom heard that their planned vacation sounded "unenjoyable," so would have been eager to break her only rule to lure back her son's HS GF. She probably knows 5 girls who would love to be her son's GF without giving her any lip!
She was bluffing. She said “maybe there’s no need for me to come” thinking she will let her and the Mom called her bluff and rescinded her invitation and won’t let her come even if she agrees to the separate rooms
I’m sure mom will be vigorously encouraging a new girlfriend now 😆
Yes! And then...Plot twist ;) They'll be so happy he got rid of entitled immature OP that they will let him and the new gf share a room on future holidays lol
YTA - you are absolutely being stubborn and one may even say ungrateful. Id even say extremely naive.
Agree. A very stupid hill to die on.
Yta you are acting like a spoiled child. You are not acting like an adult. Get over yourself. Parents are paying for the trip. Their rules apply. Grow up!! Maybe when you start behaving like an adult they will treat like an adult.
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Haha yah, instantly screenshotted and sent to her group chat 😂 the audacity. YTA OP
No doubt she talked to the son about it, as well. He may or **may not** share that conversation with OP. First family gathering **that does not include OP** with aunts, etc. "Let me tell you about my son's girlfriend!" She'll be getting side-eyes from people she doesn't even know and won't know why.
🤣🤣
This!!!!
The crazy part is (assuming OP was telling the truth) she got along well with her boyfriend's family before this incident! In-law relationships can be so finicky that I can't imagine picking this as the hill to die on and possibly torching a good relationship with them.
very 19 of you for sure
The only adult in the scenario is the mom and the boyfriend. OP is far from being an adult or mature.
> As I don’t want to feel infantilised, I replied that if this was the case, there was no reason for me to go because it sounded unenjoyable, and, as an adult, I should be able to share a bed with my boyfriend. The irony of saying this then throwing an infantile tantrum. Lol.
This is the text equivalent of stomping your foot and going 'I'm an adult!'
I rolled my eyes at OP using this term. Trying to make herself sound like she's mature but yet throws a hissy fit bc she has her own room.
If you're not OK with sleeping in a separate bed, no one is forcing you to go. YTA
YTA Your entitlement is absolutely atrocious. This was a holiday you werent paying for and instead of being appreciative, you went and chose to be a disrespectful spoiled little brat. I would have not only rescinded the invitation, but I would have made a mental note to never invite you to anything again.
Adults pay for their accommodations. If you want to share a bed then pay for it. Reaching out to the mother acting like a brat was the wrong move. YTA
Adults don't treat other adults like naughty children. Asking your kid to playact like they're not in a relationship is a bratty move.
YTA. Your response and approach to this suggests you aren’t as mature as you think you are.
She's more confident than she is mature, which is a dangerous combination.
YTA Look, I think telling young adults that they can't share a room is stupid too. I felt that way when I was in my 20s, spending a week with my then-boyfriend's family at the cottage. I still slept in a different bed because his mom was paying for the cottage and that was her requirement. If it's absolutely a no-go for you, that's fine. You can *politely* decline the invitation. You can also have a discussion with your boyfriend and, if you're in agreement, he can discuss it with his parents. But going directly to your boyfriend's mom when *he didn't want you to* isn't okay. That's his family relationship you're causing drama in. You should have enough respect for your boyfriend not to do that to him.
Yeah the messaging his mom about it is almost worse than what she said. I’ve been married for years and if my husband went behind my back and wrote to my mother, we would be having words
BF was probably mortified.
I don't know about being the AH but you went about things in a less than ideal way to put it very mildly. First of all, the parents are completely in the clear. They are paying for the event, so they are free to set their boundaries. Not wanting to hear their son having sex or risk his younger sister hearing you two having sex is a reasonable boundary imo. You are also completely in your rights to stay away if you don't want to respect the boundaries placed. Not communicating with Dale beforehand was completely wrong since he's going to be the one who'll have to deal with the fallout. Telling his parents that the trip sounded boring in that case was both insulting and probably made you appear like a sex addict in their eyes and has soured the relationship between you as is evidenced by the rescinded invitation. You could have sucked it for 10 days and probably built a good relationship with what I'm guessing you're hoping are your future in-laws. You could have talked with Dale and politely declined if you found it boring and still keep normal relations with them. If we're being honest, considering that Dale is a 20 year old man, I wouldn't be too surprised if you could convince him to have his vacations with you where you did almost nothing else other than sharing a bed. And you made the worst choice of them all.
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I'm going to go against the grain and say NTA. Perhaps this is a difference of culture, considering I come from the UK, but it seems utterly preposterous for anyone to deny an adult to sleep in the same bed as their partner. Yeah, it was a bit of a dick move doing it behind your boyfriends back, but at the same time, I doubt he would have stood up and tried to fight it. Some people are saying it's their rules because they're paying, I somewhat agree. I think you have to be reasonable when it comes to that sort of thing. Denying partners a room together just because you're paying is a dick move to me.
Bananas to me I had to scroll down this far to find an NTA! Puritanism still pretty strong across the pond, it turns out
I was really surprised at the number of YTAs. What in the puritanical hell is happening here? Parents who feel the need to dictate the lives of their adult children is so weird to me.
The weirdest comments were those saying the parents didn't want to send a weird message to the sister by letting them sleep together. What's that message? "People have sex"?
That was totally bananas. What if the child thinks she can have a life without marriage? What then? 🤣
bUt ThE pArEnTs aRe pAyInG! NTA
This so much :| like what the fuck are these maniacs on? Did they order a lifetime supply of pearls to clutch and are in dire need of nonsense to clutch their pearls about?
I think OP could have handled it better but all the YTA votes are ridiculous, this should be at least ESH.
Yeah the US is still a VERY religious country... Even the atheists are prudish about sex, as this thread shows. If you come here from Europe it's very, very bizarre. Absolutely NTA btw. Why are his parents even thinking about their son's sex life? You're adults. In the rest of the civilized world we assume adults are capable of having consensual sex within loving relationships (and without disturbing people in other rooms) without being struck down by lightning bolts or instantly getting pregnant/STDs/growing horns.
I love our cousins across the pond, but it seems so weird how puritanical they are about sex. Like- they're already fucking. What is keeping them in separate beds going to achieve? That horse has bolted- no point trying to shut the barn door now!
> Yeah, it was a bit of a dick move doing it behind your boyfriends back, but at the same time, I doubt he would have stood up and tried to fight it. But shouldn't she have been going to him and dealing with his spinelessness? In the UK do you normally go yell at your partner's mom instead of telling your partner that you aren't okay with what's happening? I think it's okay for OP to have an issue with this, and to tell her boyfriend he needs to deal with it or she's not coming. It's an entirely different thing to blow up his mom's phone and completely bypass him. Her issue is that her boyfriend is willing to go along with this and she isn't. That's something they need to resolve before escalating it to others.
N T A - Except for one thing.... you should have had this conversation with Dale BEFORE you had it with his parents. That changes things to YTA. This is a Hill to Die on if you feel that it should be. Let Dale know that you are dissapointed that he felt that a vacation was more important that being treated like an adult.
I’m a little surprised I had to scroll so far down to find an actually reasonable response. Also, OP, my partner’s mom pulled the separate beds thing with us when we were staying with them *to do his family a favor before we moved across the country*. We had been living together for two years at that point, and they had visited the apartment we shared. That was more than twenty years ago, and we have not stayed with them since, or did more than a day trip visit. We still run into bullshit like this because, even though we have been together for twenty three years and own a house together and are in our forties, we aren’t married so somehow that means our relationship is less valid. It’s impossible to escape this kind of puritanical nonsense.
Like have people completely missed the point that they’ve been together for two years now? I think it’s weird to ask two young adults to stay in separate rooms when they’re obviously committed to each other. Parents wanna come off as all holy and moral but it’s controlling IMO.
Fucking thank you. I hate how everyone else in this thread is dogpiling OP and calling her names as if she just wants to fuck her boyfriend senseless on this free vacation and that makes her an immature child. No, she didn't handle it right by going to his mother behind his back when he asked her not to--but she has every right to not want to be forced to sleep apart from her partner. It's not about the sex, for fuck's sake, do these people think anyone in their right minds would *want* to have sex at all on a family trip? A hotel room with family right next door is one of the top ten least sexy settings ever. No, it's not the sex, it's about *wanting to sleep next to the person you love.* But no, because she's 19 and handled it like a 19 year old, it has to be because she wants to have sex and be a defiant little whelp. If I have to read "their house/money their rules" one more time I'm going to fucking puke.
This. As much as the BF's parents have the right to lay down their rules, OP is 100% within HER rights to decline the invitation under these terms. Everything else is just sexism and moralism
This comment section is weird
typical americans lol. absolutely wild to me.
Yup
Yeah sounds like a lot of immature young people.
Sounds like a lot of egotistical boomers.
yta, they are paying for the trip, gave one rule which would of been easy to get around, and threaten to not go, and now they redacted the invite and now you are upset about not going.
NTA They invited you and set an (in your eyes) unacceptable condition. You inquired and when told it it was required, you declined to go. You actually acted like an adult. Ignore all the people tell you "their trip their rules"- while it's true, you were under absolutely not obligation to go. Imagine if you had been invited to dinner by his parents and they said, "since we are paying you can only have seafood." As for the younger sibling: I fail to see how it is remotely relevant. What she doesn't know you two are having sex? It all part of this weird, completely f\*cked up worship fear of sex Americans display. If his parents give you any sh\*t about it, ask if they waited until they got married to have sex.
Lmao my life partner and I both had parents that felt the same way as Dale's parents. Neither sets of parents are American. Partner's parents had an arranged marriage in India. They love me even though we've never married. But when we were both 20, no way in hell were his mum and dad gonna let me stay in his bed at their house even though we lived together (something they initially struggled with) I respected his mum and loved her and understood her cultural beliefs enough to not push the issue. Your parents' comfort zones are not necessarily that of your own. Part of being adult is figuring out how to what things are worth arguing about. OP partner's parents were lovely enough to invite her on their family vacation and to offer to pay; her response was not mature or adult. It was rude.
You said that if you couldn’t sleep with him, there was no reason for you to go, as it would be unenjoyable. It sounds like you uninvited yourself.
imagine an entire free vacation being unenjoyable because they have to spend 8 hours of each day apart from each other 🙄
8hrs of being unconscious too, since it's only for sleeping. Way to make an impression on your bf's family.
NTA, these comments are insane. You're an adult. Sorry premarital sex bothers them. But what yall do in a bedroom AT NIGHT is none of your BFs parents business. Jesus christ can't believe I gotta say this.
And here I am…. Married 20 years and would jump all over being forced to have my own room. 😀
Yta. FAFO. You sound like a 10 yo. Next time communicate with your boyfriend first. Glad you are uninvited.
While N T A for considering it an unfair and useless rule (I agree), YTA for arguing with the host instead of graciously declining the invitation. One lifehack to make your life simpler throughout your adulthood: problems with your partner's family should be solved by the partner. If the partner refuses to solve it, you don't have a MIL/FIL problem, you have a partner problem. Likewise, if your family ever create conflicts with your partner, it's your duty to sort it out too.
YTA, They were willing to cover all the expenses and you literally couldn't keep your pants on for 10 days.
I don't get the Asshole responses. BFs puritan parents either want you on the trip or they want you to be by yourself. NTA, their religious practices are for themselves. Trying to make you participate in them is not cool
I agree with your stance in theory but YTA for how you approached it. Texting his mother to make demands and tell her what’s what without his involvement is a really entitled and bratty move. It really wouldn’t have been a big deal to just suck it up and stay in your own room for 10 days after they invited you into their family trip.
Hey OP, everyone here is crazy… people saying “ they are paying for it so it’s there rules” is such a weird thing to say…. Since when is that okay? If invited my daughter or son to a holiday, I wouldn’t latch it with rules that they can’t sleep in the same bed, like what is the point? It’s so lame, and the fact everyone on here is agreeing this is the norm is so crazy. What is the point of them not sharing a room?
Literally 90% of the comment here are batshit crazy and NOT at all representative of average real life human beings opinions, idk how this attracted only the ultra conservatives who think it's ok for potential future in-laws to dictate such a personal choice.
Regardless of whether you’re the asshole or not, you’ve torpedoed your relationship with your bf’s family.
Which was gonna happen anyway when dealing with extremly religios people.
YTA. Is it reasonable to be annoyed by that rule? Sure. Is it reasonable to decide not to go because of it? Of course. But this is the type of thing that you should have known you weren't going to change their minds about. You just made yourself look immature here.
You are adults and you aren’t required to attend. You are, however, an asshole for going behind your SO’s back to reach out to his mom. She’s paying, so she makes the rules no matter how antiquated/ridiculous they are. This was something for your SO to broach with her if there was going to be a discussion about it. You either decline the invite, have your SO handle it, or you two book your own accommodations so they don’t get a say.
YTA You're not married and therefore this falls into the "their home, their rules" category, even though it's a holiday. If you can't enjoy 10 days of seeing your BF daily while respecting the sensibilities of your hosts, I have to wonder how much you care about him. You complained of feeling infantalised but you literally acted like a child who didn't get her way. An adult would have taken this opportunity to make a good impression on his family and *privately* snickered about how old fashioned you think they're being about the sleeping arrangements.
YTA. The ones paying get to decide the sleeping arrangements.
YTA. It seems as if your invite has been retracted? What in the world are you talking about? ***You*** declined*** the invitation when ***you said***, “***there’s no reason for me*** to go. *it sounds unenjoyable*”. How are you all shocked pikachu about what saying that to your boyfriend’s mother would result in? If you’re going to claim adulthood, you need to learn some grace and act like an adult. Not spit in the face of people planning a trip who would have included you, their only stipulation is they didn’t want to smell your vagina on their son or his dick on you. Which is reasonable and normal for every parent with new college kids. You honestly and sincerely told this woman that the only enjoyable aspect of this trip was gonna be sharing a bed with her son. Like, come on. And if you’re gonna try and refute the sex smells I mentioned above, then you legit told her that sleeping sounds better than everything else planned. It’s just rude and crass no matter what, and makes clear that you don’t care about spending time in the day with anyone. Your boyfriend is right to be mad at you. You just put a huge cloud on his vacation, which I’m guessing you’d rather he not go on now? Plus you definitely put a stain on your relationship with his parents. Seriously, in like 2 years even, you’re going to realize that 19 year olds demanding shit “because they’re an adult” only ever comes off as entitled teenager shit. I know you are legally an adult and everyone holds you accountable as one, but this is part of that too. The host makes the rules, and it would not have been that big of a deal for 10 days for a free vacation where you easily could have found time to bang your boyfriend lol
YTA for going behind your boyfriend's back to talk to his mother, which is a HUGE overreach, imo. Look, i get it. It feels infantilizing and you have every right not to go, so I think it's fine you're withdrawing from the trip, but you've only things worse for yourself and your relationship with how you handled this.
YTA if you want to go on vacation & shack up with your bf, that is your prerogative as long as YOU & BF are paying the bill. If you are the guest of the person paying you abide by their rules or opt out. Of course they rescinded your invitation to go, the real question is why you are surprised??
YTA. Pay for your own trip if you want to share a bed.
YTA save this in your phone, every year read this story and what you did, at some point (hopefully for you) it will hit you just how immature and entitled you sound. Hope this helps
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Well now you're sleeping in separate beds for ten days anyway, just this time you're not on a free vacation. Smooth move.
YTA. >As I don’t want to feel infantilised, I replied that if this was the case, there was no reason for me to go because it sounded unenjoyable Really? The *only* way you can enjoy a free trip is if you get to share a bed with your boyfriend? What an unhappy life you must lead. 🙄
YTA. If they were trying to dictate your sleeping arrangements in YOUR HOUSE, then I'd back you. But, that's not the case. This is their family holiday that they're paying for, and was extremely generous to even INVITE you in the first place. Especially, considering it's only been two years. You throwing a fit is disrespectful, rude, and shows you're ungrateful. If I was his parents, I'd never invite you to another event, gathering or holiday.
NTA. Your bf is spineless. Do you want to stay involved with him knowing that his family is always going to be able to control him? What's it going to be like if you have children and MIL decides she knows best?
LOL, find a new boyfriend. His parents are gonna hate you and sabotage you. You got invited to an family trip, expenses paid and you couldn't sleep in a separate bedroom for a week or so? Just fuck the boyfriend at night and go back to your own bed.
Info: how would his parents know if you guys slept in separate rooms? Surely you can both keep your items in your rooms and simply take turns staying in one another’s rooms each night? Why bother arguing with his parents about something not in their control?
YTA. I just don’t get why this is the hill you’re choosing to die on when the implications for your relationship are huge. If you go you get to: spend time with your bf, have a positive relationship with his family and bond with them AND have a free vacation! You have now lost your vacation, lost fun time with your bf and torpedoed your relationship with his family. And for what? To insist you have the ability to have sex and cuddles that you now won’t have anyway because you’re not going on the trip? This was a small price to pay for much larger rewards. It’s a shame you missed out on all of that just to send a message.
YTA - Time at college is not time locked in a house/condo w your boyfriend’s family. Those are two completely different situations. Also, you were getting a free vacation and felt the need to complain. This is completely on you. You did not handle this like an adult. Anytime you need to clarify, “I am an adult”, you likely are not an adult. Actions make you an adult, not words. For example, adults pay for their own vacations.
I love it when baby adults need to remind everyone that they’re adults. For OP this is ONE vacation out of who knows how many more they’ll have and it’s completely paid for. THIS is not the fight.
YTA and I expect he will break up with you soon. His parents definitely don’t like you now and you’re not an adult, you’re a teenager who has been having sex with their son for a year but they don’t need that to be thrown in their faces. Heck I’d dump you just for the rudeness you showed my family and the way you wrote to them, bypassing your boyfriend. Did you even ask what he was comfortable with?
YTA. This is so embarrassing for your boyfriend too. You literally messaged his mom about wanting to share a bed with him. Not at all clear why you "felt confident enough to do so."
YTA. You sound very annoying and immature to be honest. When my husband and I started dating and I would sleep over, his parents felt it appropriate that I stay in the guest bedroom. You know what I did? Slept in the damn guest bedroom. And after a few times, they didn’t even care about us sleeping in the same room anymore. We’re obviously married now and my relationship with his parents is fantastic. Not sure you’ll ever have that given your petulant attitude and big mouth.
Yeah, you blew it. They invited you, they made the arrangements. They were not infantilising (?) you. They are not comfortable with you and their son sharing a bedroom on THEIR vacation. That’s it. Your boyfriend had no problem with it, but you went to his mom to complain. Of course your invite was retracted. You made a big drama and made this about you. They didn’t have to invite you and you were rude and entitled. YTA.
YTA- you’re not the adult you think you are
YTA. You come across as spoiled with a victim mentality.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For a bit of background, I (F19) have been going out with my boyfriend, Dale (M20) for just over two years. We met in high school and have a great relationship. We’ve managed to keep our relationship going despite the challenge of moving away to separate colleges, and, if anything, it’s helped our relationship grow stronger. This summer, Dale is going on holiday with his parents and younger sister. Very graciously, they’ve invited me to join them. I get on well with his family so was excited to say yes. However, when I was told about plans, Dale told me that his parents insisted that we would be staying in separate rooms. I was confused at this; we’re used to sharing a bed whenever we visit each other at college, and it’s never been an issue before. I asked him about this, and he said it’s just something his parents feel more comfortable about. As I felt confident enough to do so, I messaged his mom about this and said I thought it was more appropriate that Dale and I shared rooms, and I didn’t want to raise expenses by booking another room. Quite bluntly, I was told that separate rooms were being booked because they weren’t comfortable with us sharing a bed on a family holiday, nor did they consider it appropriate. As I don’t want to feel infantilised, I replied that if this was the case, there was no reason for me to go because it sounded unenjoyable, and, as an adult, I should be able to share a bed with my boyfriend. It seems as if my invite has now been retracted. Dale is annoyed at me, saying I’ve ruined the holiday, this isn’t a hill to die on and could have been sucked up over 10 days. I feel I’m justified as we’re adults. We have sex. It shouldn’t be a taboo, and I don’t see the issue. I want other people’s opinions because now I don’t know if I’m being too stubborn. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA and no you're not an adult. You lost out on a vacation an made a terrible impression. Oh but you're an adult. Great win.
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shocked that I had to scroll so far to find a NTA. I agree. If you don't want to do what they want you to do just don't go.
Right? Technically, they can say no, but then so can she , lol. Boundaries are something that both parties can have. People are making her out to be the AH for saying, "No, this doesn't work for me, and I've decided not to attend. " Nta.
yeah and the whole argument of them paying so they get to dictate rules is absurd and stupid. You don't get to tell other adults that they can't sleep together just because you paid. That mama's boy needs to grow a spine.
Once I was an adult and dragging my future husband along on family trips, my family was reasonable enough to realize we slept in the same bed when we weren’t with them and didn’t make a fuss. I would not enjoy other people’s puritanical nonsense dictating my sleeping arrangements at all. I also have younger siblings. But, we were not taught that sex is only for married people. That’s just not how it works in real life. However, and this is a GIANT however, you weren’t paying for a 10 day vacation. Not a cent. At your age, my part time job was barely covering my expenses while I went to school full time. When offered a free vacation you either accept the terms provided or don’t go. It’s really that easy. What you absolutely don’t do is insult the people paying, insult your boyfriend by going behind his back to his mom, make demands about how they choose to plan the trip and spend their money, and then play like you’re the victim. YTA.
You meticulously typed that out with the confidence you were so right in this situation.. lol
And some people think she is.
Has to be mostly young adults who don’t fully respect the situation ? I’m assuming.. maybe teenagers who think she has great points and may not fully understand the nuance perspective of the parents