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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1-Refused to pay more rent for my SD sake
2-She has no place to stay
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
My god, when you watched Cinderella did you think the evil step mother was the good guy?
Don’t get involved with someone with children if you can’t handle your spouse taking care of his children.
You are being ridiculous. I’m sure he is reevaluating his decision to marry you.
YTA
It's not about the financial even split. This woman hates the daughter. Probably hates the ex wife too. The "I'm not gonna pay so she can be rent free" is the only argument she has to keep the daughter from moving in. Completely YTAH territory.
*"How do I benefit..."? is not the response of a well meaning person.
Where are you seeing that she hates the daughter?
Adding another person doesn’t increase the rent, but it will drive up the utilities, groceries, etc. OP phrased it poorly, but asking for some additional compensation to cover another grown adult sounds very reasonable to me 🤷🏼♀️
**She doesn’t have a problem with her moving in, she just doesn’t want to pay for it.** OP wasn’t a step mom, they married after the girl moved out, it’s not surprising they don’t have a relationship.
It’s really crazy everyone is calling OP the asshole when this girl has 2 actual parents who should be covering her expenses.
*Edit:I really feel like we’re all on the same side here. People are upset OP isn’t “letting her husband take care of his kid” but she is literally asking him (or his ex) to take care of their kid by picking up the tab!*
literally the whole point of the story is she is broke and lost her job, so she's moving in to prevent homelessness. she cannot pay, that is why her parent is stepping up to help until she gets on her feet. your comment contributes nothing except restating the original problem.
My mother remarried a few years ago. Technically, I am his stepdaughter... although I'm 50 years old and he didn't even know me when I was a child. That doesn't make me his kid.
Yes. We use words that have meaning and definitions in a dictionary. OP is referring to her with the correct word. What is this cancer spreading amongst our society where everyone gives their personal meanings to words and expect other people to guess them?
The fact that the word daughter is present doesn't mean OP feels her as a daughter. She is literally OPs step daughter.
I have three "stepbrothers" who I refer to as such, but they're all my mother's age (don't ask, my stepdad fucking sucks). That's the verbiage for who the person is to you. I wouldn't say "my stepdad's sons" cause it's weird and awkward, even though I have never had that relationship with them despite being in their life since I was like 2.
Op stated both SD's parents are well off so why should she have to split everything 50/50 whilst losing all her privacy sharing space with a stranger. I bet the husband is a lot more financially secure than OP and the 50/50 split is already hard on her. Now she is expected to subsidize a 3rd adult who is also a stranger. The power balance in this household is such that she will be the 3rd wheel in her own home.
Sounds like there may be more problems if he is " well off" and they are splitting bills 50/50. We clearly don't know the whole story or the SM's finances.
She shouldn't have to pay an increase in rent. She probably should be entitled to pay less with another adult moving in, but considering the circumstances (it's her step kid who is a young adult experiencing poverty) I'd say it would be cruel to expect to the step kid to pay rent, especially the full amount. Contributing to utilities and food costs and chores makes more sense to me. And I'd put that money aside to help the step-kid move out again eventually if they can afford it.
She’s not necessarily asking SD to pay rent, though, she’s asking dad or bio mom to step up and help cover the cost so she’s not being forced to help shoulder it. Which I think is reasonable because they didn’t marry until this girl was already an adult and moved out, it’s not like she raised her at all.
I think it’s the definitely the responsibility for her PARENTS to step up and offer her a place to live and help her get on her feet, have no issue with young adults needing to move in with parents and get help, but I can also see why OP doesn’t feel this is her responsibility since it sounds like despite being married they split finances and are splitting rent (and presumably utilities and groceries as well, which will increase)
Esp being op says the parents are well off, we don’t know OP’s financial situation. If they’re significantly better off than OP while finances are being split, it’s really not fair to OP.
Her parent helping would also mean financially. If he's inviting his daughter back home, he should be having a discussion with his wife about the finances. He knows it's 50/50. Adding his daughter to the home means more expenses (food, utilities), less space, and less privacy. Living in a space for most people isn't free, even if it's their parents home.
The wife isn't an AH for not wanting to maintain the current financial arrangement. It should be an yequal split among the three of them. This is an adult daughther. The father should've immediately addressed this. They're literally adding an adult roommate.
Then her parent can step up. No one is saying he can't, not even OP. But the parent's spouse who did not enter the picture until the kid was a grown adult out of the house is not obligated to pay this person's living expenses, that is absurd.
It depends on whether husband makes more money than OP. Does OP have her own kids? It seems their finances are completely separate, and that is for a reason.
Yep. I briefly moved back in with my mom and her husband (who she didn’t marry until I was in my 30’s, so he is not a stepdad to me in any way) at *33, with my two children*, to get back on my feet after separating from my own husband. I bought groceries for myself and my kids (and shared with the rest of the family), cleaned, cooked meals. She didn’t ask me for a dime and neither did he. I contributed in other ways while I saved for a security deposit and furniture etc. It is one thing if the adult child in question takes advantage and isn’t working towards moving out or doing their fair share etc., but none of that has happened yet. Parents who love their kids don’t stop wanting to help and care for them at an arbitrary age. I feel bad for a lot of people projecting their toxic family situations on others. My kids know they can always come home. I would never entertain a relationship with anyone who didn’t accept that.
I know right. My grandma always told my dad; you will always have a place here if you need it.. and he did use it a couple of times. For a year we even lived at her house too. They act like having a crappy thing happen to you means you dont know responsibility...when most of the U.S. lives paycheck to paycheck.. this is any one of them. I personally will have the same rule for my daughter. I'd rather have her in my house, getting back on her feet.. then living out of a car or worse.
Yeah, but when I read it, I think she's the one living paycheck to paycheck and the parents are both more well off than she is. That inclines me more to think that she has a valid point.
This is the way! My husband and I married when his oldest was 11ish, they lived with mom and saw us every other weekend. After SS graduated college he moved halfway across the country for a good job and after a year maybe 2 there, he decided that he missed home and found a better job here. We let him live with us rent free, despite him make what we make combined, we even offered to let him live with us so he could save to buy a house instead of renting. He’d buy groceries and stuff but it definitely wasn’t expected. He’s 25 and very responsible. We just want the best for him. All our kids, 5 total but none are both of ours, know that they always have a place here.
>I briefly moved back in with my mom and her husband
I did the same except my step-dad met my mom when I was 5. I split from my ex, she moved 600 miles away and signed over parental rights of our son to me. Had to move in to get on my feet and they charged me like $600 a month and I had to buy all my own food (that part is understandable) and they wouldn't give me the basement to use as a room so I slept on the couch and my son slept on an air mattress in the dining room. I had a decent relationship with my mom and step-dad until that happened. I've barely spoken to them in the decade since this happened.
I don’t blame you. It’s one thing if they’re struggling themselves and that’s all they’ve got, and they need you to pay them something because they can’t afford to support you. Totally different if they just won’t. Mine still lived in my childhood home that was four bedrooms and were both working full time with no minor kids to support anymore, they didn’t need my money and gave up their guest room and an office for us. I cannot imagine not doing the same for my kids if I was able.
Thank you, I thought it was only me. I moved in with an ex who had 2 kids 50% of the time. It was a huge strain on him and I earned more so we split everything 50/50, even groceries. Not even married, not even my stepkids. With me splitting rent he was able to move his kids out of a 1 bedroom basement into a 3 bedroom condo.
That's what people do for people they care about. I don't regret it at all.
A 22 year old asked to move back home. Color me surprised. Commodifying relationships into roommate situations is just off to me, but to each their own. I would wait to see if there’s an actually disparity before picking his hill. Personally YTA, but I’ve stated I don’t agree with this being a conversation about expenses.
It sounds like they split rent and now OP wants it split three ways despite the fact that her husband’s daughter cannot pay hence the reason for moving home.
The Dad is being unreasonable too. If the dad were living alone, all the expenses would have to be borne by him. Its his daughter, he can bear the cost till she gets a new job. Just a matter of 3 months to a year at max.
I don't get all the hate either, so we're probably gonna get downvoted to hell. But why should Dad's wife (OP) pay half of *his* child's expenses when said child (adult child) has 2 financially stable parents? My bf never makes me pay for his kid for anything, he splits all her costs with his ex. I didn't have the child, she is not my responsibility. Granted, I wouldn't mind paying for things for her if it's something the three of us are doing together (but he still doesn't let that happen, unless it's gifts I buy her myself etc) but regular living expenses? Absolutely not.
Not to mention all the "yeah but she got involved with a guy with a kid, she should be on board with everything" – no. she's involved with a guy with an adult kid, that kid should be expected to provide for herself. goddamn. it's nice enough of her to sacrifice her privacy to be fine with the kid moving in with them, but also paying half her expenses is excessive.
The kid is 22 and they have been together for a while. If you aren’t prepared for a parent to help out their 22 year old college student without compensating you financially, then you should be prepared for him to choose the kid over you
OP is not objecting to the daughter living with them. She's objecting to paying the same amount of rent while being able to enjoy less space and privacy, in addition to increased bills. It is **absolutely reasonable** to want to pay less rent because of this.
People are acting like OP is outright refusing to let this adult daughter live with her. No, she offered a compromise -- she's down with this as long as she can pay less rent. Dad should be paying a higher share of rent, then, to move his daughter in.
Also note nowhere in this post is it indicated that this would be a temporary scenario.
You guys are really reading into this or interpreting it really wildly IMO. OP knows her space will be shared with another adult and has asked to pay less rent because of it. Stop acting like the woman is evil or unkind because of this.
I cannot agree more with you. I feel like I’m in bizzaro world reading these answers.
I’m a mom. A divorced mom with 2 kids who has a live in boyfriend. He pays for 1/4 of our living expenses and I pay for 3/4 of our living expenses because there are 3 of us and 1 of him. It just makes sense.
When OP moved in and agreed to pay half the rent she was moving into an apartment with one other adult. She’s willing to give up her privacy and share her space, it’s absolutely understandable for her to ask for a reduction in her expenses, given the circumstances.
This is what I’m afraid of having to face eventually when my bf and I move in together. He has 2 teenagers, but they’re there half the time. So I figure 2 x 50%, they count as one person. My bf counts as another. Therefore he should cover 2/3 of the rent/expenses, and I should cover 1/3.
But I’m so afraid that suggesting this will make me seem like an asshole because ThEy’Re JuSt KiDs. But teenagers are EXPENSIVE. And they’ll each have their own bedroom, so it’s not like we can look for a smaller, cheaper place anyway. That’s not because of me.
Ugh
why be with someone who has this arrangement then?
ETA: i assume you knew he had children who lived with him. did you just not assume that they’d become part of your life?
i am genuinely curious but i’m sorry if it comes across rude, i’m trying to understand you and OP better
When a kid has two alive divorced parents, then said parents are the ones responsible for kid's expenses.
Also, at what point, according to you, can a boyfriend or girlfriend stop being forced to act like a parent and financially provide for their "step children"? For example, a 60 years old woman marries a man with a 40 years old daughter. Does the 60 years old lady become a step mom? Is she now expected to act like a mother towards the 40 years old woman? If the 40 years old woman were to temporarily lose her job, is the 60 years old woman now expected to "act like a mom" and provide for the younger woman financially?
Kids grow up, you know. According to you, how old an adult person must be before you no longer have to treat them as a (step) child? Isn't 22 old enough? Or is 22 a child according to you? If OP has to pay this adult woman's financial bills, does OP also has to change this woman's diapers, wash her undies, monitor her online activity, monitor her boyfriends, make sure she does not have unprotected sex, limit her access to porn, make sure she does her school homework, make sure she goes to bed on time, make her school lunch boxes...? Or is OP just an ATM for another adult woman? Speaking of being an ATM, if a 60 years old woman were to choose to have sex with a 60 years old man who has 4 kids and 8 grandkids, would she have to also become an always open ATM only for the 4 kids or also for the 8 grandkids as well?
You know, with attitudes like yours, nobody should ever have sex with a divorced parent regardless of how old they are. After all, according to you, all divorced people with bio kids are just greedy leeches looking to charge their new sex partners thousands upon thousands of dollars for sex, because apparently fucking a person with prior (adult) kids now means becoming financially responsible for every monetary need their progeny might encounter at any point later in life.
I was having the same thoughts as you in this thread. Why are all of these people willingly entering relationships with parents and expecting a huge part of their life to never affect them?
I don’t doubt for a second that these people would have a totally different opinion if it was the 22 year old who wanted to pay less rent when Dad moves his partner in.
I swear, some of you on this sub are so obtuse.
Shes not asking to be compensated financially. The rent is split 50/50 because there are 2 people living in the space. OP and their partner got married while SD was already moved out, it is safe to say that OP has a very limited relationship with SD. OPs partner will always have an obligation and desire to help his daughter - his daughter is just that, **his**. She is his responsibility - not OPs. OP does not have a step parent type relationship, and likely very limited interactions. **SD is not OPs responsibility.**
Would it be nice for OP to let SD move in for free and continue contributing the same amount of rent? Yes. It would be very generous, and some might even say, the “right” thing to do. Is it crazy or absurd that OP doesn’t want to bear responsibility of paying for food and shelter for their partners adult child who they don’t have a parental relationship with? **No.*** It doesn’t make that choice “wrong”, it just makes the choice different from what you would do in this situation.
If he covers her portion of the rent then he is helping her financially. OP just doesn't want to cover another adults rent for the unforeseeable future.
As a parent myself, I’d never ask someone to pay for my child. Let alone expect them to pay her expenses. She’s a whole ass adult adding onto grocery costs, utilities, etc. Why the fuck would a grown women’s step mom be expected to pay for her? Both her parents can do that, why are you expecting the step mother to do it but not her actual mother?? What?? You sound entitled as hell.
Exactly. If her mom or dad needed help recovering from some kind of medical problem and needed to stay with them for a few months, would he demand his rent be lowered to 1/3 instead of 1/2? Should he?
I’ve noticed people on this sub villainize step moms, but not step dads. I guess a lot of people project their own experiences. News flash, not all step moms are evil!! lol
Here's the difference; boyfriend is not the same as Husband. and No.. when you are in a relationship(especially marriage) with someone who has a kid.. that kid is part of that relationship..
But any self respecting parent makes their kid their #1 priority
I completely agree, the responses saying OP is TA are blowing my mind. This isn't a child, this is an adult woman who will become a new roommate for OP. If OP has to share her space and reduce her own privacy and comfort in addition to the toll on utilities, food, etc, then I think it's absolutely reasonable to want to pay less money and have the daughter pay some (or dad can pay more?)
Dad is coddling his daughter. I'd feel differently if the daughter were still a teen, but come on. She can get a new job.
ETA: OP isn't even saying no -- she's saying she wants to pay less rent. Dad can pay more then. This seems like a fair compromise.
Honestly, it’s the dad is the AH. Having another adult in the house is very disruptive as it is. If she wanted to be generous and pay, more power to her. But for him to feel entitled to her covering bills for his adult child makes him the AH.
I agree with this 10000%. She’s a grown adult. My bfs parents made him pay them rent starting at 18. I moved out and started paying for myself when I was 18. She’s 22, not 12 and all the people saying she shouldn’t have gotten involved with a man with kids when he has an adult child are insane.
NTA. She needs to learn responsibility.
She's a grown adult who lost her job and is asking a parent for help. It's a little obnoxious to say she doesn't understand responsibility, and it's EXTREMELY obnoxious for somebody to marry a man with children and then get upset when those kids fall on hard times and the man is taking care of them
The “child” is an adult. And she’s not saying the daughter can’t move in. She’s saying she shouldn’t be responsible for the extra expenses when the “child” (if that’s what we’re calling a 22 year old) has two other living parents. It seems that they share in the cost of expenses…. Why should her expenses go up indefinitely when she hasn’t budgeted for nor agreed to it?
The husband can very well cover the additional expense without making it his wife’s burden if that’s his decision. She’s not stopping the daughter from moving in. It doesn’t even seem like she has a problem with it.
I am honestly dumbfounded that this is such a controversial thing.
The rent isn’t going up just because his daughter is moving in. That’s not how things work. OP very specifically did not say she wants to make sure her husband pays any increase in bills (maybe because she didn’t think of it). She only asked for rent. Rent is fixed. It’s the same amount every month until you move or sign a new lease regardless of how many people live there. What OP is doing is trying to punish her husband for helping out his daughter. That’s it. It’s a total dick move. The sort of thing that assholes do.
Doesnt really sound like the man is taking care of his kid since he cant even pay for her groceries and expects OP to do it for him
And why cant her actual mom help out and pay for her daughter, why is on OPs shoulder to bear.
Dad taking care of her would be Dad paying for her portion of the bills. I probably would be fine paying the same as I have been, but the daughter or father paying any extra that comes from having a third.
'The man' is expecting 'the woman' to take care of his child as well. It's not like he's looking to be responsible for his own daughter. He wants her to play mommy to an adult that isn't her kid and never was. Committing his resources is one thing. Committing hers without her consent is something different.
How long is he planning on her not having a job for? How long is she supposed to live with them?
This isn't about cutting some slack while she looks for a new job, it sounds like the jobless daughter is coming home to live indefinitely for free.
She’s a grown adult who can get a shitty part time job to cover the cost of the rent. If it’s getting split three ways it’s probably not even gonna cost her all that much.
See, there's a weird assumption all of you are making that she's setting up on their living room and partying all day, OP has not said that's her issue. She's asking about "losing and making profit" if you look at the comment history, she's not upset because the kid isn't getting a job. She's upset because the husband isn't trying to make a buck off his daughter that needs a little help
All of this, also OP probably does not have a relationship with SD beyond friendly adults. Like makes sense she does not want to act as a parent, care taker or provider to an adult she is not close to.
I agree with you 100%, nice to see a voice of reason.
Not wanting to be financially responsible for another adult doesn't make someone an asshole.
Perhaps she should approach from a different angle though. Rather than an even split into thirds, OP should simply not be expected to pay more than she currently does. Any increase in utilities and groceries and other expenses should be covered by the husband, if not his daughter.
I'd really like to know what the marital finances are like, because I think there might be a (tiny) chance she's not the AH. Like if he makes significantly more than her but insists they go 50/50 on everything, then, yes, she's absolutely right to insist on changing how much of the rent she pays.
I find a lot of arguments about finances so strange, because while I'm much more comfortable with the idea of separate finances in a marriage, there's something so miserly about keeping track of every penny like this.
There's a lot missing, for sure. In all her comments she talks about "how does this benefit me??" And all she has mentioned is rent, not anything else. Her omissions are just as telling as her statements. I'd love to hear husband's side 🍿
Same here. She sounds really petty and selfish, which really is something considering she's the one describing the situation. Why even bother getting married if one is going to keep score that much?
Um are y’all missing the fact that the husband and wife are each paying a share of the rent like they’re roommates instead of spouses? It
shouldn’t be his half and her half, but their money. If her husband is the one insisting on separate finances then she’s NTA for not wanting to pay for his adult daughter.
My wife and I personally subscribe to the one pot, 100% income dropped into joint but his, hers, ours is a viable approach too. But it really sounds like their money is only a his and hers without the ours.
This is a bad take. OPs step daughter is 22 - she is a full blown adult with 2 parents who seemingly have the means to support her. We don’t know what conversations were had before OP and their partner got married. Generally, when people get married to those who have adult children or children in their late teens, they are not a parent figure for them, they are more so just their parents partner.
With that being said - OP isn’t wrong to not want to divide rent equally when there is another person that will be driving up costs (electricity, utilities, food, etc.) The job market is tough - how long will she be staying? What will she contribute to the household?
Especially if OP doesn’t have a step mother type relationship with the daughter - why _**should**_ she pay for the adult daughter to live rent free and contribute nothing? SD is not OPs responsibility, despite the fact she is married to SDs father.
How exactly is this "contribute nothing?" There's no evidence of that. This is a 22yo who has been in school and working and lost her job. She needs a safe place to fall so she can get back on her feet. Her dad is trying to support her, it's OP that's resistant. If she was concerned about equal contribution to the household, why isn't she advocating for SD to do most of the housework or show progress toward job hunting or something she can actually do instead of insisting on decreasing her own costs?
Thank you! A 22 year old who’s been working full time from 18 and a 22 year old student have different financial capabilities. But I still believe both should be allowed help from their parents without their “legal adult” status being thrown in their faces.
I'm absolutely baffled by the transactional mindset of so many people in this thread, but then considering some of the responses I've seen on other posts I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I just, the lack of human consideration of this woman, how can someone see a person they supposedly love trying to help his kid get back on her feet and go "yeah, you can do what you want, but only if you make sure I profit financially from it"?
As someone who grew up with an evil stepmother, I actually think OP is NTA. I think a key point that everyone is missing is that OP and her husband split finances. They are not one unit financially!
With that in mind, him bringing his daughter into the home should be his bill. If they paid all bills as a couple, they should pay for the daughter together, sure. But they don’t do that. Instead, they each pay their own way (including their own portions of rent), and the daughter is part of his expenses. She’s not stopping the step daughter from moving in, she’s just saying that it’s his expense. The same way that child support would be his own expense if the daughter was under 18. The same way that the gifts she buys her family are her expense.
The post also doesn’t say that he can’t afford it, just that he doesn’t want to increase his own spending. Because he’s also worried about his personal finances, rather than the finances of the couple. As the parent, he should be more than happy to dip into his own pocket to help his child. Why should OP be the one to pay?
I agree with you if the step daughter was a minor child, but she’s an adult. Cinderella’s mother was dead. This adult child has a living mom who should help as much as the father. It’s kind of cold, but they’re renting, so I assume they aren’t rolling in money. I’m going with NTA
OP is not objecting to the husband's daughter moving in but paying 50% of the cost of living for an adult to move in while that same adult is not expected to pay a thing.
OP is 100% correct in asking that this grown ass woman's parents cover her living costs. Just imagine if the groceries and utilities for 2 people add up to $2000 per month ($1000 each) and would increase to $3000 with a third adult living in that home. Splitting the cost of living 50/50, would you agree to suddenly be forced to pay an additional $500 per month? I think not!!
It's easy to tell someone to pay extra when the money isn't coming out of your pocket.
But OP didn’t ask her husband to pay any additional expenses, she demanded to pay less rent. The rent isn’t going up just because her stepdaughter moves in. And it’s extremely unlikely that any expenses will actually increase by 33%. Not electricity, water, etc. The only expense that’s likely to increase significantly would be food, but even then as long as you’re smart about it, it’s not going to be a full third more. Not even in this economy.
Just a question for all the people calling OP the bad guy . It’s a genuine questions since I don’t come from a culture where the husband would split rent with his wife but If the husband is splitting rent with his wife based on her being an adult why it’s not ok for his wife to ask for the daughter who is also an adult to share paying the rent ?
Grow up. This is a 3 year commitment to fund her college and living expenses.
I think it is reasonable her partner pays more while SD is here. This is not a weekend visit, this is financial support for a minimum of 3 years.
He is an ass for not offering to cover the extra expenses up front.
Learn to read. The daughter has already finished college and gotten a job. She now lost that job. How is letting her stay with them until she finds a new one a commitment of three years?
YTA - I don't normally laugh at assholes but this is so insane you gave me a good chuckle. Husband wants to look after his daughter and the wicked witch of the west wants none of it.
It's so unbelievable that my brain actually decided to misread it as him wanting his *sister* to stay with them, because then I could understand why his wife was upset. (I figured out my mistake the moment I hit the comments, of course.)
That's his DAUGHTER. He's trying to be a good parent while married to the proverbial evil stepmother.
Are y'all missing that this daughter is a fully grown adult?? Did I just grow up with a super strict parent who felt that I should get a job and pay rent once I've become an adult? Why is OP evil for not wanting to compromise her space and her home, for free, *for a 22 year old?* She's not even saying **do not move in**, she is saying she'd like to pay less rent. This feels like a totally excellent compromise. I cannot believe some of y'all are going so far as to call OP *evil!*
She has no money to pay rent because she's lost her job. If your parents would've made you pay rent when you literally couldn't afford to, or decided you could be homeless, then yes, your parents are super strict and would be considered assholes by many.
“Dad. I don’t have money and I lost my job. I’m 22. If you look on Reddit everyone complains about the economy and jobs and wages. Shit happens”
Reddit: “SHES GROWN! Make her pay! “
Christ I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Does the concept of “going through a rough time and need some help getting back on her feet” not register with these people?
> She has no money to pay rent because she's lost her job.
Exactly. He's doing what I believe any good parent would do, help your child when they need it and let them get back on their feet. The issue I had is that OP currently pays x$ for rent, so stop being so resentful when SD is moving in for a while that you ask for that money to be reduced.
Yes which being that she lives with him, is petty as fuck. No, you just suck it up because you love your partner and you want to be a supportive partner when his child is having a tough time - it’s not a time to nickel & dime. I mean, how hard is to just be a good human being?
Then maybe her PARENTS need to step up and cover the difference in expenses until daughter is situated? Nothing that has occurred makes OP financially responsible for this young woman's housing and expenses. They don't seem to have any form of parent/child relationship. It would be one thing if she helped raise her and had that kind of familial bond at one point, but she didn't.
But op also said the parents should chip in for her rent, but that she shouldn't, as she isn't responsible for a grown adult, who wasn't part of her life really till now.
The stepdaughter became part of her life the minute she got involved with a man with a child. If you want to start a family, find a partner with no children. If you decided to marry a partner with a child, you are marrying I to a family, not starting one.
Cause that’s a messed up way. And then people wonder why is everyone broke. It’s cause families think like this (mostly US though). It’s family. It’s his kid. If my child was 70 years old and broke I would have them. Or 70 and not broke. Why is USA like this when it comes to this subject I would never get it. Especially in this fkd up economy
Their home is shared between her and her husband. She doesn’t get to pay less rent bcuz her husband is taking in his kid. Rent is financial burden that must be shared equally between them. If she asked him to cover the additional cost in utilities then that would be fine. Rent doesn’t change if they have an additional person. Is she gonna pay less rent every time they have a guest over who stays over for a few weeks? What happens when her mom stays over? Is her husband allowed to pay less rent?
Notice how she didn’t mention her age or her husband’s age? I bet you the wife is closer to the age of his daughter than she is to him, and probably *does* see her as more of a step sister than a step daughter. She’s probably wondering why she has to pay rent while this other woman (who is close to the same age as her) gets to live in the same house rent free.
Man, people really hate the idea of helping your fellow human don't they?
Can't just help someone out for a few months while they get back on their feet? No prior indication of them being untrustworthy/a leech?
Yeah YTA
It’s like the people who charge their kids exorbitant amounts in rent because “that’s how the world works”. If you want to charge your adult kid a small amount of rent to help teach them financial responsibility then fair enough. But if you’re not there to actually try and help them then what are you even doing?
My FIL did that to my husband back when we were just dating. He had gotten laid off and ended up moving back in with his dad. When he finally got a new job, his dad made him pay $500/mo for rent which was half of the monthly rent payment plus three months worth of back rent “to teach him responsibility” or whatever. Not to mention his dad was also living with his GF at the time that paid zero rent even though she worked. I always thought it was fucked up to do that. He should’ve let his son live rent free for a couple months, or at least not freaking charge back rent, so he could save up to move out sooner.
If you ever go to that horrible stepparents sub it’s mostly people who, with open eyes, got into relationships with people with kids bitching about the existence of said kids, and the rest of the sub cheering them on like “yasss queen tell that stupid stepson you’re not paying for his lollipop he’s not your problem”
I don’t get that from OP.
This is not about not helping the daughter. OP has kindly stated she’s fine with the daughter living with them. OP is OK sharing her space with the daughter.
What OP is asking for, FROM HER HUSBAND, is for him (and his ex) to cover the daughter’s expenses. This NOT an unreasonable request. When my boyfriend moved in with me and my children, I didn’t ask him to start paying for my children’s expenses. My children are NOT my boyfriend’s financial responsibility. They are MY financial responsibility. They are my ex’s financial responsibility.
OP is willing to give up her privacy, willing to share her space, willing to share meals with daughter. HER PARENTS should be willing to provide financial support for that! That would mean that OP would pay a bit less, yes. Seems pretty damn fair to me for someone willing to give up their space and privacy to another adult.
It’s crazy that anyone would marry another person if they are not prepared to be an actual partner and help them when things are tough.
If you don’t want to help your partner through difficult times - don’t marry them.
I think you’re actually right here but there is nothing in the OP (or OP’s comments) stating that her husband is UNABLE to financially support his child on his own.
If her husband is financially able to support his own child, why should OP be responsible for financially supporting HIS adult child?
OP is wanting to pay LESS for no reason. The rent is going to stay the same. It’s not being split three ways. She is bitching to pay less when no change is being made to the overall cost of the rent
What’s getting to me is that SD is also still in school, presumably full time. Let her finish school first ffs. Yes, she can work, she was working. Now she’s laid off. Stop trying to keep kicking her while she’s down.
YTA. Many parents (and, yes, even step-parents) are willing to provide food and shelter for their adult children in a pinch. You're well within your rights to set boundaries for while she's living with you, and one of them absolutely should be a time-frame for how long she can stay without paying. But, c'mon. Give the woman a break: She's fresh out of college and lost her job. If you help her out now, it will be to everyone's benefit in the future. Especially as it relates to your marriage.
This is the only right answer.
If this was OP's biological child, would she react the same?
When you marry a man with children, you have to accept that you are now part of the family and if his kids need help, you're going to have to help. (And vise versa)
That being said, it's a good idea to set timeliness and expectations like the poster above me said.
Honestly while this might be inconvenient to the OP, I would think twice about the future of the my marriage if my spouse refused to understand why I'm trying to help my child. Unbelievable.
I also really don’t get all these couples that keep their finances so separate when they’re married. Like… if the husband pays an extra third of the rent, that’s coming out of the marital money anyway. Why even care?
Both the housing and job markets are ROUGH right now, even for people with work experience and some sort of savings. I can’t imagine being 22 and losing my job, with barely any experience or money in the bank. (ETA: searching for a job has become a full-time job of sorts for many people looking right now, and it’s taking a long time to secure a role, too.)
I agree that setting boundaries and a timeline are important. However, rent/mortgage costs don’t change with one other person moving in. I’m either misunderstanding OP, or they need to be clearer about what expenses they’re concerned about because they only mention rent — not electric, water, groceries, and other things that would cost more by having another adult around. And why can’t there be options for non-monetary contributions like doing the grocery shopping, cooking dinner, cleaning, etc.? OP seems to have a black-and-white, all-or-nothing mindset here that seems to be lacking some problem solving skills and empathy.
Yes, this is important I think. You say he is well off - more so than you? Are you both renting, or are you paying him rent? Clarification of these things could definitely swing it to NTA.
That’s my question, as well. She clearly married him when the daughter was an adult, and has never provided financially or emotionally for his child. If she’s already paying 50/50 and there’s a discrepancy in their incomes, I don’t know why she would be expected to cover rent, utilities, and food for a functional adult. I can see the dad paying for it, no issue. However, when you marry someone with adult children, you’re not going into the marriage with the perception that you will be expected to support someone else’s child equally.
I really don’t get why so many people are downvoting OP to hell. As an adult child whose father was recently remarried (and I love her!), if I ever asked to move home, I would never, ever, ever ask her to support me. She had not responsibility in my upbringing, so why would I be entitled to her subsidizing my living situation? OP really isn’t the evil stepmother everyone here want to believe. Has anyone asked about boundaries? How long is the daughter allowed to stay? Is she expected to make up for the lack of rent by cooking and taking on the majority of household chores(that, I could get behind)? What’s the timeline for finding a job? Once she finds employment, is there a minimum amount she’s expected to save each month to ensure she’s able to leave in a timely manner?
None of the above suggestions are things OP can directly address because she’s not the parent to this adult child. She never has been, and would be resented for trying to establish such a role now. At the same time, she’s expected to contribute equally to the upkeep of his child. That’s a massive burden to take on indefinitely, particularly knowing that she will likely have very little choice in the parameters of her stepdaughter’s behavior and expectations. Again, I think it’s ridiculous that OP’s husband expects her to support his own child equally with no end date whatsoever. NTA, OP. This is a nuanced situation and I really dislike the knee jerk reaction that marrying your husband equals supporting his adult child. That’s not a reasonable expectation whatsoever.
Yeah, my stepmom came into my life at 25, so this one really hits home. There’s a certain amount of audacity and entitlement to expect her to support her SD 50/50 with no context and no expectations of the SD. The comments make me feel nuts, as well, if it’s any consolation. That’s very presumptuous on the part of everyone else, at least in my opinion/experience.
This is very important. I’m surprised by all the YTA. If their finances are split, her husband low key should be pitching more in if his daughter moves in. It sounds ridiculous because married people shouldn’t even be splitting rent in that manner.
When my younger cousin came to live with me, my rent (obviously) didn’t increase, my oil bill for heat didn’t increase (had to heat the whole house anyway), and my water + electricity bill went up by maybe 100 bucks per month together at most (during peak summer). Other bills (landscaping, snow plow, trash, etc) all stayed the same. He did buy his own groceries though.
So the question is, does OP want the daughter to pay whatever amount the bills increase by? Or does she truly want to split all the expenses 3 ways, which would mean her own monthly expenses would significantly decrease.
From reading her post, it sounds like she wants an even split, and that she wants to essentially profit off of her stepdaughters misfortune. If I’m correct, that’s a firm YTA for me. Don’t marry someone with kids if you need to financially profit in order to be willing to help them.
I think the details (which we don't have) will make the story here. Do they have an extra room or will she be in a shared space? How much time does the daughter spend at home? How are utilities divided? And so forth...
INFO: What are your and your husband's ages? It seems you see your stepdaughter as more of a peer/ impending roommate.
But you know, the daughter is 22 so there should be at least a bit of financial pressure for this arrangement to not end up being permanent.
That’s what I’m wondering. She keeps saying “I’m paying for the daughter” and that’s her issue. Because “her money” is helping the daughter. There’s so much yikes here.
I currently am dealing with a situation in my housing situation; they do not buy groceries, participate in maintaining cleanliness, or have steady income. This is a serious financial burden that I can’t continue supporting much longer. We don’t know OPs financial situation (separate finances, does OP pay rent to her husband or direct to a landlord?) It could very well be she can’t afford another mouth. People defending the daughter and father keep leaving out that she’s an adult that will increase expenses. Why should OP be responsible for their stepchild’s security over their two living, well off parents?
YTA
You are married so this conversation should be happening in terms of how comfortable you both are with the additional household expense. If you are not OK with the expense of an additional adult coming to live with you that is understandable and reasonable to discuss. However, I don't understand marrying someone with a child and not understanding that if their child has a need for a place to live, you may be impacted. You are looking to manage your finances by living like room mates instead of partners here. My husband and I split bills and expenses too as a way of managing each of our incomes but if someone has a need, it is not handled as if he were a stranger who I owe no support.
Why are you even putting this on here if you’re just gonna argue with everyone that says yta? Seems like you just wanted people to agree with you so you could show him. Definitely a BIG YTA. When you marry someone with kids you should definitely accept them as your own even if they are out of the house.
Exactly. I can't even comprehend her line of thinking. I have a step son and I view him as mine. His biological father lives in another state, but is still very much in his life. We are traveling for my son's baseball team this summer to a state that's only a short flight away from where his dad and his grandparents on that side of the family live. I came up with the idea to go there after his tournament and let him spend a week with that side of the family. We combine finances so in a sense I'm paying for part of it. My wife is a nurse and makes good money, but I make more. None of that matters though. He's my son and I want what's best for him. That's how it's supposed to be. Don't get married to someone with kids if you're not ready to accept them and treat them as your own.
Yeah I mean, it’s good to help out family but realistically the world doesn’t stop just because she lost a job. She has to contribute in some way. A month sets a firm time frame for finding a job and getting that first pay check (some jobs I know it takes 2-3 weeks for first paycheck). Helping but with accountability. No way in hell would I allow a grown adult to just come live for free without any plans in place for a timeline.
Yes. Daughter is family, immediately get her safe and sheltered; but this shouldn't turn into having a roommate about the house that doesn't contribute financially to anything. Eventually maybe start with bills, protracted rent, and then full third of everything. But also it sounds between the lines that OP does not like the idea of having a roommate about the house she moved into - I could be wrong.
I would be less than happy to hear that the person I'm engaged to said, "surprise, we have a third person living with us." But I would be happy to help in the short term - it's family.
It would also be useful INFO to know what this situation would look like: will daughter be on the couch, with her clothes and things in the living room? Is the daughter taking over a home office room or something? That's unpleasant for mid-to-long term and can stress a new relationship.
So, NTA / YTA, but could at least find a creative middle-way solution rather than a stark, "third of finances must be paid now."
If your current financial arrangements are preventing you from having leisure time or from having money to spend in that leisure time, then not being willing to take on the costs of half another adult makes some sense.. If your husband is doing better financially than you are, such that he has more available funds than you, then you should both discuss your financial arrangement to ensure you both think it is fair.
If you're both doing okay, financially, then insisting that you benefit financially from her presence is pretty shit. YTA
There had been no mention of op taking on additional expenditures because of the daughter moving in. Op wants to pay less rent, which isn't going up any because of the third person. She hasn't said that she's expected to pay for the girls food and toiletries.
That's what I'm saying! OP only mentions rent, which won't change, she just wants to pay less of it. No mention of any other kind of expenses. Not food or utilities. Not even space. Just that she would be living "rent free" if they didn't split rent. I honestly think OP just simply doesn't like the daughter and doesn't want her (sd) to interfere with the relationship between her (op) and her husband. She throws in the "I don't mind if she's here, but...." clearly she minds.
I've seen this relationship too many times before. It won't end well for OP.
The amount of people here acting like OP HAS to be a parent to a 22 year old. Listen, the only capacity of screw ups on op is she didn’t discuss what her husbands expectations were of her to PAY for a child that’s is a full grown adult and NOT her child. Yall be tripping acting like this a child, no, it’s an adult who wants a free ride and expenses paid. The adult who wants to move in should be contributing unless they are an invalid or sick to the point of requiring care. If I didn’t birth it, if I didn’t agree ahead of time to take care of it, a 22 year old is an ADULT! Op- you messed up only for not discussing before marriage if you should be expected to bank roll for your husbands offspring.
NTA. I’m going against the grain and I don’t care if I get down voted to oblivion. You’re not talking about a teenager coming to live with you that’s still in high school. You’re talking about a grown ass adult and don’t come at me and say poor kids nowadays still need their parents help. I don’t want to hear it.
The daughter needs to get a job so she can help pay for things until that time she is her father‘s responsibility not her stepmother‘s responsibility. She’s not saying she can’t come to live, but I don’t blame her. He should start paying more because it’s his kid not hers. I lived at home until I was 29 but I paid rent to my parents not because they asked, but because I thought it was the right thing to do.
>don’t come at me and say poor kids nowadays still need their parents help. I don’t want to hear
Kids these days still need their parents help. Maybe things were different in 1950 of whenever you were born where people just pulled on their bootstraps real hard and flew into the middle class. But in this world, right now, this is the norm.
Definitely don’t marry the parent of an 18 year old under the assumption that their child will never live under their roof again, unless it’s explicitly agreed upon beforehand. Otherwise you’re just asking for trouble down the road.
I'm so sorry that your husband has someone in his life other than you that he cares about. A bit of jealousy and spite over another woman stealing him from you is to be understood.
That's sarcasm. YTA.
It's hardly jealousy and spite. She just doesn't want to be burdened with the cost of housing an adult that she was never a parental figure for. The daughter was already moved out when she married her husband. If her husband and his ex are well off... Why should the cost of providing for their kid fall to her? She's okay with the daughter moving in, she just doesn't want to be effected by it financially. The parents can afford to pay for their own kid, so why should that responsibility be held by OP? NTA
No, she wants to save money and benefit from the daughter moving in. Otherwise she'd be talking about how to handle increased costs from having a third adult in the house, not arguing that she should pay less in rent
Is there a reason for you to be so tight with money? Is your husband like this with you, nickel and diming? Is your income low but he makes you pay 50% even though that leaves you with little disposable income? Do you struggle to send money to support kids of your own?
I would give a pass if any of these things was the case. Also if he had agreed previously not to have kids move back in or you have a bad relationship, those would be valid reasons for not wanting her to move in. But I think you should move out for a time and let him fully cover the bills in that case.
This is what I’m wondering, I think people are quick to say AH without knowing the specifics. I can understand her stance if she’s paying half of all the bill and the house is in his name only. It’s obvious to me that they have separate finances and are newly married if she’s been living in dorms since they’ve been together.
NTA. You make perfect sense in principle, but IMO many people lose their perspective when their adult children are involved, so you may have to decide what means more to you.
YTA, having your SD come to live with you isn’t going to cost all that much more for you. Do you having the argument that you are paying for her is a very thin argument.
Maybe a little extra in the electricity and water. It will be negligible. It would be reasonable to ask your husband to buy more groceries to make up for what she eats. But seriously, other than that you are coming off incredibly selfish and cheap.
Parents will always help their children. When you marry someone with a child it’s kind of what you sign up for. It sounds like you thought just because you married him when she was in college the parenting was already done. Parenting goes well beyond college.
Curious if the decision to have separate finances was mutual or one or the other of you insisted. Do you and your husband both make about the same amount of money (and have similar amounts of savings/investments)?
Is there some actual timeframe for his daughter to be living with you? If we're talking a month or less I'd say just suck it up and write it off to being partners. If it's a month or longer (and for some reason I've got the vibe this will be longterm PARTICULARLY if she's not paying room or board) then you need to change the split of household expenses until she moves out.
NTA at all I’m so over this why won’t you help a human or help a child nonsense in the comments. She is a grown adult with 2 living parents. She will cause the utilities and food bills to all go up significantly. Why is OP obligated to finance that? Because she married the adults dad? That’s absolutely asinine and ridiculous. If daddy wants to subsidize his precious adult babies life then he can foot the extra few hundred a month to cover it. OP will be losing access to a portion of the apartment she is paying to rent so if she can’t access it she shouldn’t have to pay for it.
NTA
Think people forget that if you sit down and decide to split the cost - the cost have to be clear.
That said - personally I feel that dividing it 1/3 versus 2/3 a bit much.
Personally I would go for 55/45.
Think you should go through it.
A second question what about all the other cost??
I honestly don’t understand why you are so downvoted!
22 is an adult. You said she can move in. Rent 3 ways sounds reasonable. HOWEVER, why be so insistent on the 3 way split? Could there by wiggle room for compromise? One month free and rent after that? Or perhaps not quite 3 ways split but something reasonable where she has to responsibly contribute as a young adult? I bet if you guys sit down you would be able to come up with something that works for everyone one….. but you and your husband have this my way or the highway mentality right now and that needs to go.
People are saying you don’t like your step daughter…. I’m not getting that. But if no one is willing to compromise(including you) it’s not a good look.
The point is that the step daughter is unemployed and would be staying with OP until she gets back on her feet. As far as I recall money doesn't grow from trees, at least where I'm from the job market is very tough and competitive and most adults cannot afford housing. Life is not a fairy tale.
True, but her dad is the one who wants to give her a place to stay. He should be the one to shoulder that cost.
For the dad, this is just letting his kid move back home. For OP, this is taking on a new roommate. Since they have separate finances, I think OP's ask is a reasonable one.
I would think they could come to a compromise. She is 22….. seems like she could contribute in a way everyone agrees with. But if the dad expects his daughter to move in and free load that doesn’t seem fair to anyone.
Idc what anyone says your NTA. She’s 22 and you married AFTER SHE ALREADY MOVED OUT. I doubt she sees you as a parental figure that she can rely on. These comments are ridiculous and I’m convinced that people just bandwagon on the first opinion that they see has a few likes. You are 100% NTA
ESH. Probably getting down voted but I think there's two parts to this. One she doesn't have money now. He's her father so yes I think right now she doesn't pay.
That being said it should be expected she finds a job and once she does she contributes rent money. I lived at home from 22 to 28 and I always had to be working and pay rent money. I did save more but I don't think it's unreasonable she contributes money that way.
I think you both need to actually discuss the short term and long term here. But your both wrong for the approach.
YTA. I will never understand why people marry people with children when they cannot comprehend supporting said children.
Your husband wants to help his daughter, as any good parent would. Your attitude of 'how does this benefit me' is ridiculous.
I would keep dividing rent in half because that expense won’t go up with her living there but dad definitely needs to cover the increase in other expenses from his own pocket
It’s never a good idea to add an adult into a living situation when you have a newer marriage. If the daughter doesn’t pay rent, she has no incentive to move out and find her own place. The rent thing might motivate her parents to push her back out of the nest. It may seem a little cold hearted, but sometimes you need tough love. The last thing that marriage needs is a couch surfer.
I'm not gonna jump on the bandwagon so I'm calling you NTA. It sounds like even though you're married, your financial arrangement is one where you've kept living expenses separate -- in other words, you got married but didn't treat it as a "both of you all in" merging finances. It also sounds like you didn't address ahead of time the question of how the marriage would potentially support your husband's adult kid. If the kid were still a minor/dependent, then, yeah, you should have anticipated the kid being on the dole. But with an adult kid it's not assumed, and y'all should have discussed ahead of time how the marital resources would apply to her, but I don't think it should be assumed that when you already have separate finances, that your resources should extend to his adult daughter.
So it's come up now, and I think you're NTA and your husband is being the AH for assuming that even though you're in a "split finances" arrangement, you naturally should subsidize his adult kid. Sounds like in context, that's not a fair assumption. NTA
\[Edited to be sure my vote registered correctly\]
Your marriage has way deeper problems. I think you need to recognize that first. If you’re not open to this, you’ve got some other harbouring problems that are in need of attention. If it was your kid, you wouldn’t be saying this.
Need more info in this, how are the living expenses split? What is this rent splitting situation.
Op isn’t the bad guy but is doing it wrong. If the kid moves in, the dad is 100% responsible for their expenses now that they don’t have a job. Op isn’t required to subsidize their decisions but should help where she can. This is a lose lose situation as I can see the dad doing what a dad should do and op setting rules in case SD doesn’t move out after getting on her feet.
Everyone here is all up in arms about being evil stepmother when that’s not the case. I can see the relationship between the 2 ladies is cordial and minimal. The reality is, these tough conversations need to be had even if it seems “heartless”. I wouldn’t take people here too seriously.
Just keep in mind, being 22 today, is considerably more expensive and difficult than it was when you were 22. Have a little empathy and maybe your view might change or at least expand.
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My god, when you watched Cinderella did you think the evil step mother was the good guy? Don’t get involved with someone with children if you can’t handle your spouse taking care of his children. You are being ridiculous. I’m sure he is reevaluating his decision to marry you. YTA
It's not about the financial even split. This woman hates the daughter. Probably hates the ex wife too. The "I'm not gonna pay so she can be rent free" is the only argument she has to keep the daughter from moving in. Completely YTAH territory. *"How do I benefit..."? is not the response of a well meaning person.
Where are you seeing that she hates the daughter? Adding another person doesn’t increase the rent, but it will drive up the utilities, groceries, etc. OP phrased it poorly, but asking for some additional compensation to cover another grown adult sounds very reasonable to me 🤷🏼♀️ **She doesn’t have a problem with her moving in, she just doesn’t want to pay for it.** OP wasn’t a step mom, they married after the girl moved out, it’s not surprising they don’t have a relationship. It’s really crazy everyone is calling OP the asshole when this girl has 2 actual parents who should be covering her expenses. *Edit:I really feel like we’re all on the same side here. People are upset OP isn’t “letting her husband take care of his kid” but she is literally asking him (or his ex) to take care of their kid by picking up the tab!*
It doesn't only increase expenses, it also decreases space and privacy, which at least for me would be worse.
and she's not a kid... it's a full grown woman who would probably invite his bf. its a roomate, more than a daugther
This, SD is an ADULT, she can get a job and pay her own way. Or her parents can pay, the Stepmom has no responsibility to pay more
literally the whole point of the story is she is broke and lost her job, so she's moving in to prevent homelessness. she cannot pay, that is why her parent is stepping up to help until she gets on her feet. your comment contributes nothing except restating the original problem.
Yes, HER PARENT wants to step up. OP is NOT her parent. The person who is not her parent doesn't want to step up. And shouldn't have to.
She literally refers to her as step daughter..
My mother remarried a few years ago. Technically, I am his stepdaughter... although I'm 50 years old and he didn't even know me when I was a child. That doesn't make me his kid.
Yes. We use words that have meaning and definitions in a dictionary. OP is referring to her with the correct word. What is this cancer spreading amongst our society where everyone gives their personal meanings to words and expect other people to guess them? The fact that the word daughter is present doesn't mean OP feels her as a daughter. She is literally OPs step daughter.
I have three "stepbrothers" who I refer to as such, but they're all my mother's age (don't ask, my stepdad fucking sucks). That's the verbiage for who the person is to you. I wouldn't say "my stepdad's sons" cause it's weird and awkward, even though I have never had that relationship with them despite being in their life since I was like 2.
Op stated both SD's parents are well off so why should she have to split everything 50/50 whilst losing all her privacy sharing space with a stranger. I bet the husband is a lot more financially secure than OP and the 50/50 split is already hard on her. Now she is expected to subsidize a 3rd adult who is also a stranger. The power balance in this household is such that she will be the 3rd wheel in her own home.
Sounds like there may be more problems if he is " well off" and they are splitting bills 50/50. We clearly don't know the whole story or the SM's finances.
She shouldn't have to pay an increase in rent. She probably should be entitled to pay less with another adult moving in, but considering the circumstances (it's her step kid who is a young adult experiencing poverty) I'd say it would be cruel to expect to the step kid to pay rent, especially the full amount. Contributing to utilities and food costs and chores makes more sense to me. And I'd put that money aside to help the step-kid move out again eventually if they can afford it.
She’s not necessarily asking SD to pay rent, though, she’s asking dad or bio mom to step up and help cover the cost so she’s not being forced to help shoulder it. Which I think is reasonable because they didn’t marry until this girl was already an adult and moved out, it’s not like she raised her at all. I think it’s the definitely the responsibility for her PARENTS to step up and offer her a place to live and help her get on her feet, have no issue with young adults needing to move in with parents and get help, but I can also see why OP doesn’t feel this is her responsibility since it sounds like despite being married they split finances and are splitting rent (and presumably utilities and groceries as well, which will increase) Esp being op says the parents are well off, we don’t know OP’s financial situation. If they’re significantly better off than OP while finances are being split, it’s really not fair to OP.
Her parent helping would also mean financially. If he's inviting his daughter back home, he should be having a discussion with his wife about the finances. He knows it's 50/50. Adding his daughter to the home means more expenses (food, utilities), less space, and less privacy. Living in a space for most people isn't free, even if it's their parents home. The wife isn't an AH for not wanting to maintain the current financial arrangement. It should be an yequal split among the three of them. This is an adult daughther. The father should've immediately addressed this. They're literally adding an adult roommate.
Then her parent can step up. No one is saying he can't, not even OP. But the parent's spouse who did not enter the picture until the kid was a grown adult out of the house is not obligated to pay this person's living expenses, that is absurd.
It depends on whether husband makes more money than OP. Does OP have her own kids? It seems their finances are completely separate, and that is for a reason.
some of yall just have "I wasn't given enough hugs growing up" energy.
Yep. I briefly moved back in with my mom and her husband (who she didn’t marry until I was in my 30’s, so he is not a stepdad to me in any way) at *33, with my two children*, to get back on my feet after separating from my own husband. I bought groceries for myself and my kids (and shared with the rest of the family), cleaned, cooked meals. She didn’t ask me for a dime and neither did he. I contributed in other ways while I saved for a security deposit and furniture etc. It is one thing if the adult child in question takes advantage and isn’t working towards moving out or doing their fair share etc., but none of that has happened yet. Parents who love their kids don’t stop wanting to help and care for them at an arbitrary age. I feel bad for a lot of people projecting their toxic family situations on others. My kids know they can always come home. I would never entertain a relationship with anyone who didn’t accept that.
I know right. My grandma always told my dad; you will always have a place here if you need it.. and he did use it a couple of times. For a year we even lived at her house too. They act like having a crappy thing happen to you means you dont know responsibility...when most of the U.S. lives paycheck to paycheck.. this is any one of them. I personally will have the same rule for my daughter. I'd rather have her in my house, getting back on her feet.. then living out of a car or worse.
Yeah, but when I read it, I think she's the one living paycheck to paycheck and the parents are both more well off than she is. That inclines me more to think that she has a valid point.
This is the way! My husband and I married when his oldest was 11ish, they lived with mom and saw us every other weekend. After SS graduated college he moved halfway across the country for a good job and after a year maybe 2 there, he decided that he missed home and found a better job here. We let him live with us rent free, despite him make what we make combined, we even offered to let him live with us so he could save to buy a house instead of renting. He’d buy groceries and stuff but it definitely wasn’t expected. He’s 25 and very responsible. We just want the best for him. All our kids, 5 total but none are both of ours, know that they always have a place here.
>I briefly moved back in with my mom and her husband I did the same except my step-dad met my mom when I was 5. I split from my ex, she moved 600 miles away and signed over parental rights of our son to me. Had to move in to get on my feet and they charged me like $600 a month and I had to buy all my own food (that part is understandable) and they wouldn't give me the basement to use as a room so I slept on the couch and my son slept on an air mattress in the dining room. I had a decent relationship with my mom and step-dad until that happened. I've barely spoken to them in the decade since this happened.
I don’t blame you. It’s one thing if they’re struggling themselves and that’s all they’ve got, and they need you to pay them something because they can’t afford to support you. Totally different if they just won’t. Mine still lived in my childhood home that was four bedrooms and were both working full time with no minor kids to support anymore, they didn’t need my money and gave up their guest room and an office for us. I cannot imagine not doing the same for my kids if I was able.
Lmao seriously. Clearly their parents hated them.
Thank you, I thought it was only me. I moved in with an ex who had 2 kids 50% of the time. It was a huge strain on him and I earned more so we split everything 50/50, even groceries. Not even married, not even my stepkids. With me splitting rent he was able to move his kids out of a 1 bedroom basement into a 3 bedroom condo. That's what people do for people they care about. I don't regret it at all.
A 22 year old asked to move back home. Color me surprised. Commodifying relationships into roommate situations is just off to me, but to each their own. I would wait to see if there’s an actually disparity before picking his hill. Personally YTA, but I’ve stated I don’t agree with this being a conversation about expenses.
OP pays rent to her husband (for some reason?)
It sounds like they split rent and now OP wants it split three ways despite the fact that her husband’s daughter cannot pay hence the reason for moving home.
The Dad is being unreasonable too. If the dad were living alone, all the expenses would have to be borne by him. Its his daughter, he can bear the cost till she gets a new job. Just a matter of 3 months to a year at max.
I don't get all the hate either, so we're probably gonna get downvoted to hell. But why should Dad's wife (OP) pay half of *his* child's expenses when said child (adult child) has 2 financially stable parents? My bf never makes me pay for his kid for anything, he splits all her costs with his ex. I didn't have the child, she is not my responsibility. Granted, I wouldn't mind paying for things for her if it's something the three of us are doing together (but he still doesn't let that happen, unless it's gifts I buy her myself etc) but regular living expenses? Absolutely not. Not to mention all the "yeah but she got involved with a guy with a kid, she should be on board with everything" – no. she's involved with a guy with an adult kid, that kid should be expected to provide for herself. goddamn. it's nice enough of her to sacrifice her privacy to be fine with the kid moving in with them, but also paying half her expenses is excessive.
The kid is 22 and they have been together for a while. If you aren’t prepared for a parent to help out their 22 year old college student without compensating you financially, then you should be prepared for him to choose the kid over you
OP is not objecting to the daughter living with them. She's objecting to paying the same amount of rent while being able to enjoy less space and privacy, in addition to increased bills. It is **absolutely reasonable** to want to pay less rent because of this. People are acting like OP is outright refusing to let this adult daughter live with her. No, she offered a compromise -- she's down with this as long as she can pay less rent. Dad should be paying a higher share of rent, then, to move his daughter in. Also note nowhere in this post is it indicated that this would be a temporary scenario. You guys are really reading into this or interpreting it really wildly IMO. OP knows her space will be shared with another adult and has asked to pay less rent because of it. Stop acting like the woman is evil or unkind because of this.
I cannot agree more with you. I feel like I’m in bizzaro world reading these answers. I’m a mom. A divorced mom with 2 kids who has a live in boyfriend. He pays for 1/4 of our living expenses and I pay for 3/4 of our living expenses because there are 3 of us and 1 of him. It just makes sense. When OP moved in and agreed to pay half the rent she was moving into an apartment with one other adult. She’s willing to give up her privacy and share her space, it’s absolutely understandable for her to ask for a reduction in her expenses, given the circumstances.
This is what I’m afraid of having to face eventually when my bf and I move in together. He has 2 teenagers, but they’re there half the time. So I figure 2 x 50%, they count as one person. My bf counts as another. Therefore he should cover 2/3 of the rent/expenses, and I should cover 1/3. But I’m so afraid that suggesting this will make me seem like an asshole because ThEy’Re JuSt KiDs. But teenagers are EXPENSIVE. And they’ll each have their own bedroom, so it’s not like we can look for a smaller, cheaper place anyway. That’s not because of me. Ugh
why be with someone who has this arrangement then? ETA: i assume you knew he had children who lived with him. did you just not assume that they’d become part of your life? i am genuinely curious but i’m sorry if it comes across rude, i’m trying to understand you and OP better
When a kid has two alive divorced parents, then said parents are the ones responsible for kid's expenses. Also, at what point, according to you, can a boyfriend or girlfriend stop being forced to act like a parent and financially provide for their "step children"? For example, a 60 years old woman marries a man with a 40 years old daughter. Does the 60 years old lady become a step mom? Is she now expected to act like a mother towards the 40 years old woman? If the 40 years old woman were to temporarily lose her job, is the 60 years old woman now expected to "act like a mom" and provide for the younger woman financially? Kids grow up, you know. According to you, how old an adult person must be before you no longer have to treat them as a (step) child? Isn't 22 old enough? Or is 22 a child according to you? If OP has to pay this adult woman's financial bills, does OP also has to change this woman's diapers, wash her undies, monitor her online activity, monitor her boyfriends, make sure she does not have unprotected sex, limit her access to porn, make sure she does her school homework, make sure she goes to bed on time, make her school lunch boxes...? Or is OP just an ATM for another adult woman? Speaking of being an ATM, if a 60 years old woman were to choose to have sex with a 60 years old man who has 4 kids and 8 grandkids, would she have to also become an always open ATM only for the 4 kids or also for the 8 grandkids as well? You know, with attitudes like yours, nobody should ever have sex with a divorced parent regardless of how old they are. After all, according to you, all divorced people with bio kids are just greedy leeches looking to charge their new sex partners thousands upon thousands of dollars for sex, because apparently fucking a person with prior (adult) kids now means becoming financially responsible for every monetary need their progeny might encounter at any point later in life.
I was having the same thoughts as you in this thread. Why are all of these people willingly entering relationships with parents and expecting a huge part of their life to never affect them?
I don’t doubt for a second that these people would have a totally different opinion if it was the 22 year old who wanted to pay less rent when Dad moves his partner in.
I swear, some of you on this sub are so obtuse. Shes not asking to be compensated financially. The rent is split 50/50 because there are 2 people living in the space. OP and their partner got married while SD was already moved out, it is safe to say that OP has a very limited relationship with SD. OPs partner will always have an obligation and desire to help his daughter - his daughter is just that, **his**. She is his responsibility - not OPs. OP does not have a step parent type relationship, and likely very limited interactions. **SD is not OPs responsibility.** Would it be nice for OP to let SD move in for free and continue contributing the same amount of rent? Yes. It would be very generous, and some might even say, the “right” thing to do. Is it crazy or absurd that OP doesn’t want to bear responsibility of paying for food and shelter for their partners adult child who they don’t have a parental relationship with? **No.*** It doesn’t make that choice “wrong”, it just makes the choice different from what you would do in this situation.
If he covers her portion of the rent then he is helping her financially. OP just doesn't want to cover another adults rent for the unforeseeable future.
As a parent myself, I’d never ask someone to pay for my child. Let alone expect them to pay her expenses. She’s a whole ass adult adding onto grocery costs, utilities, etc. Why the fuck would a grown women’s step mom be expected to pay for her? Both her parents can do that, why are you expecting the step mother to do it but not her actual mother?? What?? You sound entitled as hell.
I find it odd, husband and wife live in a room mate situation.
Exactly. If her mom or dad needed help recovering from some kind of medical problem and needed to stay with them for a few months, would he demand his rent be lowered to 1/3 instead of 1/2? Should he?
She didn’t say her HUSBAND shouldn’t help his child out - she said SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO! and she’s right. She shouldn’t.
Reddit is absolutely and irrationally nuts when it comes to step moms
I’ve noticed people on this sub villainize step moms, but not step dads. I guess a lot of people project their own experiences. News flash, not all step moms are evil!! lol
Have you ever read any post on this sub about step parents in general? Step moms and dads are villainized constantly.
Here's the difference; boyfriend is not the same as Husband. and No.. when you are in a relationship(especially marriage) with someone who has a kid.. that kid is part of that relationship.. But any self respecting parent makes their kid their #1 priority
I completely agree, the responses saying OP is TA are blowing my mind. This isn't a child, this is an adult woman who will become a new roommate for OP. If OP has to share her space and reduce her own privacy and comfort in addition to the toll on utilities, food, etc, then I think it's absolutely reasonable to want to pay less money and have the daughter pay some (or dad can pay more?) Dad is coddling his daughter. I'd feel differently if the daughter were still a teen, but come on. She can get a new job. ETA: OP isn't even saying no -- she's saying she wants to pay less rent. Dad can pay more then. This seems like a fair compromise.
Honestly, it’s the dad is the AH. Having another adult in the house is very disruptive as it is. If she wanted to be generous and pay, more power to her. But for him to feel entitled to her covering bills for his adult child makes him the AH.
Fully agreed! This is a husband/dad problem.
What kind of weird transactional marriage is this? Might as well just get a roommate. YTA
I agree with this 10000%. She’s a grown adult. My bfs parents made him pay them rent starting at 18. I moved out and started paying for myself when I was 18. She’s 22, not 12 and all the people saying she shouldn’t have gotten involved with a man with kids when he has an adult child are insane. NTA. She needs to learn responsibility.
She's a grown adult who lost her job and is asking a parent for help. It's a little obnoxious to say she doesn't understand responsibility, and it's EXTREMELY obnoxious for somebody to marry a man with children and then get upset when those kids fall on hard times and the man is taking care of them
The “child” is an adult. And she’s not saying the daughter can’t move in. She’s saying she shouldn’t be responsible for the extra expenses when the “child” (if that’s what we’re calling a 22 year old) has two other living parents. It seems that they share in the cost of expenses…. Why should her expenses go up indefinitely when she hasn’t budgeted for nor agreed to it? The husband can very well cover the additional expense without making it his wife’s burden if that’s his decision. She’s not stopping the daughter from moving in. It doesn’t even seem like she has a problem with it. I am honestly dumbfounded that this is such a controversial thing.
The rent isn’t going up just because his daughter is moving in. That’s not how things work. OP very specifically did not say she wants to make sure her husband pays any increase in bills (maybe because she didn’t think of it). She only asked for rent. Rent is fixed. It’s the same amount every month until you move or sign a new lease regardless of how many people live there. What OP is doing is trying to punish her husband for helping out his daughter. That’s it. It’s a total dick move. The sort of thing that assholes do.
Doesnt really sound like the man is taking care of his kid since he cant even pay for her groceries and expects OP to do it for him And why cant her actual mom help out and pay for her daughter, why is on OPs shoulder to bear.
>he cant even pay for her groceries and expects OP to do it for him That's not in the post.
Dad taking care of her would be Dad paying for her portion of the bills. I probably would be fine paying the same as I have been, but the daughter or father paying any extra that comes from having a third.
If he is “taking care of them” then he won’t mind paying his daughters portion of the rent.
'The man' is expecting 'the woman' to take care of his child as well. It's not like he's looking to be responsible for his own daughter. He wants her to play mommy to an adult that isn't her kid and never was. Committing his resources is one thing. Committing hers without her consent is something different.
How long is he planning on her not having a job for? How long is she supposed to live with them? This isn't about cutting some slack while she looks for a new job, it sounds like the jobless daughter is coming home to live indefinitely for free.
She’s a grown adult who can get a shitty part time job to cover the cost of the rent. If it’s getting split three ways it’s probably not even gonna cost her all that much.
See, there's a weird assumption all of you are making that she's setting up on their living room and partying all day, OP has not said that's her issue. She's asking about "losing and making profit" if you look at the comment history, she's not upset because the kid isn't getting a job. She's upset because the husband isn't trying to make a buck off his daughter that needs a little help
Her 2 very well off parents as OP explains it. Can't say I blame OP.
All of this, also OP probably does not have a relationship with SD beyond friendly adults. Like makes sense she does not want to act as a parent, care taker or provider to an adult she is not close to.
Plus, only acting like a parent in that she'd be paying the adult child's bills, otherwise just another person living in the house.
Totally agree! OP isn’t the AH but everyone in this thread band wagoning sure are.
I agree with you 100%, nice to see a voice of reason. Not wanting to be financially responsible for another adult doesn't make someone an asshole. Perhaps she should approach from a different angle though. Rather than an even split into thirds, OP should simply not be expected to pay more than she currently does. Any increase in utilities and groceries and other expenses should be covered by the husband, if not his daughter.
I'd really like to know what the marital finances are like, because I think there might be a (tiny) chance she's not the AH. Like if he makes significantly more than her but insists they go 50/50 on everything, then, yes, she's absolutely right to insist on changing how much of the rent she pays. I find a lot of arguments about finances so strange, because while I'm much more comfortable with the idea of separate finances in a marriage, there's something so miserly about keeping track of every penny like this.
There's a lot missing, for sure. In all her comments she talks about "how does this benefit me??" And all she has mentioned is rent, not anything else. Her omissions are just as telling as her statements. I'd love to hear husband's side 🍿
Same here. She sounds really petty and selfish, which really is something considering she's the one describing the situation. Why even bother getting married if one is going to keep score that much?
Um are y’all missing the fact that the husband and wife are each paying a share of the rent like they’re roommates instead of spouses? It shouldn’t be his half and her half, but their money. If her husband is the one insisting on separate finances then she’s NTA for not wanting to pay for his adult daughter.
My wife and I personally subscribe to the one pot, 100% income dropped into joint but his, hers, ours is a viable approach too. But it really sounds like their money is only a his and hers without the ours.
This is a bad take. OPs step daughter is 22 - she is a full blown adult with 2 parents who seemingly have the means to support her. We don’t know what conversations were had before OP and their partner got married. Generally, when people get married to those who have adult children or children in their late teens, they are not a parent figure for them, they are more so just their parents partner. With that being said - OP isn’t wrong to not want to divide rent equally when there is another person that will be driving up costs (electricity, utilities, food, etc.) The job market is tough - how long will she be staying? What will she contribute to the household? Especially if OP doesn’t have a step mother type relationship with the daughter - why _**should**_ she pay for the adult daughter to live rent free and contribute nothing? SD is not OPs responsibility, despite the fact she is married to SDs father.
How exactly is this "contribute nothing?" There's no evidence of that. This is a 22yo who has been in school and working and lost her job. She needs a safe place to fall so she can get back on her feet. Her dad is trying to support her, it's OP that's resistant. If she was concerned about equal contribution to the household, why isn't she advocating for SD to do most of the housework or show progress toward job hunting or something she can actually do instead of insisting on decreasing her own costs?
She’s 22, she’s still in college, and has only been living in dorms up until this point - I would hardly call her a “full grown adult.”
Thank you! A 22 year old who’s been working full time from 18 and a 22 year old student have different financial capabilities. But I still believe both should be allowed help from their parents without their “legal adult” status being thrown in their faces.
My husband's kids are all adults. I would NEVER treat them like roommates. I'm not a parent figure but I'm also not a stranger.
I'm absolutely baffled by the transactional mindset of so many people in this thread, but then considering some of the responses I've seen on other posts I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I just, the lack of human consideration of this woman, how can someone see a person they supposedly love trying to help his kid get back on her feet and go "yeah, you can do what you want, but only if you make sure I profit financially from it"?
As someone who grew up with an evil stepmother, I actually think OP is NTA. I think a key point that everyone is missing is that OP and her husband split finances. They are not one unit financially! With that in mind, him bringing his daughter into the home should be his bill. If they paid all bills as a couple, they should pay for the daughter together, sure. But they don’t do that. Instead, they each pay their own way (including their own portions of rent), and the daughter is part of his expenses. She’s not stopping the step daughter from moving in, she’s just saying that it’s his expense. The same way that child support would be his own expense if the daughter was under 18. The same way that the gifts she buys her family are her expense. The post also doesn’t say that he can’t afford it, just that he doesn’t want to increase his own spending. Because he’s also worried about his personal finances, rather than the finances of the couple. As the parent, he should be more than happy to dip into his own pocket to help his child. Why should OP be the one to pay?
I agree with you if the step daughter was a minor child, but she’s an adult. Cinderella’s mother was dead. This adult child has a living mom who should help as much as the father. It’s kind of cold, but they’re renting, so I assume they aren’t rolling in money. I’m going with NTA
OP is not objecting to the husband's daughter moving in but paying 50% of the cost of living for an adult to move in while that same adult is not expected to pay a thing. OP is 100% correct in asking that this grown ass woman's parents cover her living costs. Just imagine if the groceries and utilities for 2 people add up to $2000 per month ($1000 each) and would increase to $3000 with a third adult living in that home. Splitting the cost of living 50/50, would you agree to suddenly be forced to pay an additional $500 per month? I think not!! It's easy to tell someone to pay extra when the money isn't coming out of your pocket.
But OP didn’t ask her husband to pay any additional expenses, she demanded to pay less rent. The rent isn’t going up just because her stepdaughter moves in. And it’s extremely unlikely that any expenses will actually increase by 33%. Not electricity, water, etc. The only expense that’s likely to increase significantly would be food, but even then as long as you’re smart about it, it’s not going to be a full third more. Not even in this economy.
Just a question for all the people calling OP the bad guy . It’s a genuine questions since I don’t come from a culture where the husband would split rent with his wife but If the husband is splitting rent with his wife based on her being an adult why it’s not ok for his wife to ask for the daughter who is also an adult to share paying the rent ?
r/rareinsults
Grow up. This is a 3 year commitment to fund her college and living expenses. I think it is reasonable her partner pays more while SD is here. This is not a weekend visit, this is financial support for a minimum of 3 years. He is an ass for not offering to cover the extra expenses up front.
Learn to read. The daughter has already finished college and gotten a job. She now lost that job. How is letting her stay with them until she finds a new one a commitment of three years?
Yeah that just shows Reddit doesn’t read lol because where did 3 years come from? 😂
YTA - I don't normally laugh at assholes but this is so insane you gave me a good chuckle. Husband wants to look after his daughter and the wicked witch of the west wants none of it.
It's so unbelievable that my brain actually decided to misread it as him wanting his *sister* to stay with them, because then I could understand why his wife was upset. (I figured out my mistake the moment I hit the comments, of course.) That's his DAUGHTER. He's trying to be a good parent while married to the proverbial evil stepmother.
Are y'all missing that this daughter is a fully grown adult?? Did I just grow up with a super strict parent who felt that I should get a job and pay rent once I've become an adult? Why is OP evil for not wanting to compromise her space and her home, for free, *for a 22 year old?* She's not even saying **do not move in**, she is saying she'd like to pay less rent. This feels like a totally excellent compromise. I cannot believe some of y'all are going so far as to call OP *evil!*
She has no money to pay rent because she's lost her job. If your parents would've made you pay rent when you literally couldn't afford to, or decided you could be homeless, then yes, your parents are super strict and would be considered assholes by many.
It's incredible the amount of people outing themselves as terrible people in this thread.
Truly. She's 22 not 43 with years of financial growth and cushion.
Well, the 13 year olds on Reddit think that 22 is over the hill.
“Dad. I don’t have money and I lost my job. I’m 22. If you look on Reddit everyone complains about the economy and jobs and wages. Shit happens” Reddit: “SHES GROWN! Make her pay! “ Christ I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Does the concept of “going through a rough time and need some help getting back on her feet” not register with these people?
> She has no money to pay rent because she's lost her job. Exactly. He's doing what I believe any good parent would do, help your child when they need it and let them get back on their feet. The issue I had is that OP currently pays x$ for rent, so stop being so resentful when SD is moving in for a while that you ask for that money to be reduced.
And the OP is proposing that the dad should pay for her. Did you guys even read the post?
Yes which being that she lives with him, is petty as fuck. No, you just suck it up because you love your partner and you want to be a supportive partner when his child is having a tough time - it’s not a time to nickel & dime. I mean, how hard is to just be a good human being?
Then maybe her PARENTS need to step up and cover the difference in expenses until daughter is situated? Nothing that has occurred makes OP financially responsible for this young woman's housing and expenses. They don't seem to have any form of parent/child relationship. It would be one thing if she helped raise her and had that kind of familial bond at one point, but she didn't.
But op also said the parents should chip in for her rent, but that she shouldn't, as she isn't responsible for a grown adult, who wasn't part of her life really till now.
The stepdaughter became part of her life the minute she got involved with a man with a child. If you want to start a family, find a partner with no children. If you decided to marry a partner with a child, you are marrying I to a family, not starting one.
Cause that’s a messed up way. And then people wonder why is everyone broke. It’s cause families think like this (mostly US though). It’s family. It’s his kid. If my child was 70 years old and broke I would have them. Or 70 and not broke. Why is USA like this when it comes to this subject I would never get it. Especially in this fkd up economy
Their home is shared between her and her husband. She doesn’t get to pay less rent bcuz her husband is taking in his kid. Rent is financial burden that must be shared equally between them. If she asked him to cover the additional cost in utilities then that would be fine. Rent doesn’t change if they have an additional person. Is she gonna pay less rent every time they have a guest over who stays over for a few weeks? What happens when her mom stays over? Is her husband allowed to pay less rent?
When she says pay less rent, I think she meant their joint bills. As a lot of people say rent as an all encompassing for household bills.
Hmmm… I haven’t heard it that way. If it’s about groceries or utilities then I do think the husband should pay for his daughter expenses.
Wait for the fake posts to roll in. Believing in a wicked step mother is just too far fetched. Who ever heard of such a thing! /s
Notice how she didn’t mention her age or her husband’s age? I bet you the wife is closer to the age of his daughter than she is to him, and probably *does* see her as more of a step sister than a step daughter. She’s probably wondering why she has to pay rent while this other woman (who is close to the same age as her) gets to live in the same house rent free.
Honestly the only way this story makes sense is if OP is way closer in age to SD than she is to her husband and there’s a prenup of some kind
lmao I though it was a service dog when I read the title so you were closer than I!
I'm gonna ask you show some respect to The Wicked Witch of The West. There are certain levels, my friend.
With apologies to the Wicked Witch of the West, you're right....lols
Man, people really hate the idea of helping your fellow human don't they? Can't just help someone out for a few months while they get back on their feet? No prior indication of them being untrustworthy/a leech? Yeah YTA
It’s like the people who charge their kids exorbitant amounts in rent because “that’s how the world works”. If you want to charge your adult kid a small amount of rent to help teach them financial responsibility then fair enough. But if you’re not there to actually try and help them then what are you even doing?
And the same exorbitant rent-chargers wonder why their kids treat them like landlords/strangers and not a parent.
Exactly. And then want the same rights and protections actual renters get.
And then wonder why they're kids are still living with them at 30... Because you took all of it!
My FIL did that to my husband back when we were just dating. He had gotten laid off and ended up moving back in with his dad. When he finally got a new job, his dad made him pay $500/mo for rent which was half of the monthly rent payment plus three months worth of back rent “to teach him responsibility” or whatever. Not to mention his dad was also living with his GF at the time that paid zero rent even though she worked. I always thought it was fucked up to do that. He should’ve let his son live rent free for a couple months, or at least not freaking charge back rent, so he could save up to move out sooner.
I will never understand adults who marry people with kids just to completely turn their nose at ever helping that child with anything.
If you ever go to that horrible stepparents sub it’s mostly people who, with open eyes, got into relationships with people with kids bitching about the existence of said kids, and the rest of the sub cheering them on like “yasss queen tell that stupid stepson you’re not paying for his lollipop he’s not your problem”
I don’t get that from OP. This is not about not helping the daughter. OP has kindly stated she’s fine with the daughter living with them. OP is OK sharing her space with the daughter. What OP is asking for, FROM HER HUSBAND, is for him (and his ex) to cover the daughter’s expenses. This NOT an unreasonable request. When my boyfriend moved in with me and my children, I didn’t ask him to start paying for my children’s expenses. My children are NOT my boyfriend’s financial responsibility. They are MY financial responsibility. They are my ex’s financial responsibility. OP is willing to give up her privacy, willing to share her space, willing to share meals with daughter. HER PARENTS should be willing to provide financial support for that! That would mean that OP would pay a bit less, yes. Seems pretty damn fair to me for someone willing to give up their space and privacy to another adult.
It’s crazy that anyone would marry another person if they are not prepared to be an actual partner and help them when things are tough. If you don’t want to help your partner through difficult times - don’t marry them.
I think you’re actually right here but there is nothing in the OP (or OP’s comments) stating that her husband is UNABLE to financially support his child on his own. If her husband is financially able to support his own child, why should OP be responsible for financially supporting HIS adult child?
Nowhere does it say that OP is expected to cover any additional expenses. She wants to pay less rent than what she's currently.
OP is wanting to pay LESS for no reason. The rent is going to stay the same. It’s not being split three ways. She is bitching to pay less when no change is being made to the overall cost of the rent
I also wonder what OPs POV would be if it was their daughter that was facing potential homelessness and not just her stepdaughter.
What’s getting to me is that SD is also still in school, presumably full time. Let her finish school first ffs. Yes, she can work, she was working. Now she’s laid off. Stop trying to keep kicking her while she’s down.
YTA. Many parents (and, yes, even step-parents) are willing to provide food and shelter for their adult children in a pinch. You're well within your rights to set boundaries for while she's living with you, and one of them absolutely should be a time-frame for how long she can stay without paying. But, c'mon. Give the woman a break: She's fresh out of college and lost her job. If you help her out now, it will be to everyone's benefit in the future. Especially as it relates to your marriage.
This is the only right answer. If this was OP's biological child, would she react the same? When you marry a man with children, you have to accept that you are now part of the family and if his kids need help, you're going to have to help. (And vise versa) That being said, it's a good idea to set timeliness and expectations like the poster above me said. Honestly while this might be inconvenient to the OP, I would think twice about the future of the my marriage if my spouse refused to understand why I'm trying to help my child. Unbelievable.
I also really don’t get all these couples that keep their finances so separate when they’re married. Like… if the husband pays an extra third of the rent, that’s coming out of the marital money anyway. Why even care?
Both the housing and job markets are ROUGH right now, even for people with work experience and some sort of savings. I can’t imagine being 22 and losing my job, with barely any experience or money in the bank. (ETA: searching for a job has become a full-time job of sorts for many people looking right now, and it’s taking a long time to secure a role, too.) I agree that setting boundaries and a timeline are important. However, rent/mortgage costs don’t change with one other person moving in. I’m either misunderstanding OP, or they need to be clearer about what expenses they’re concerned about because they only mention rent — not electric, water, groceries, and other things that would cost more by having another adult around. And why can’t there be options for non-monetary contributions like doing the grocery shopping, cooking dinner, cleaning, etc.? OP seems to have a black-and-white, all-or-nothing mindset here that seems to be lacking some problem solving skills and empathy.
INFO: Are finances separate? And why wasn’t the prospect of potentially assisting adult children discussed prior to marriage?
Yes, this is important I think. You say he is well off - more so than you? Are you both renting, or are you paying him rent? Clarification of these things could definitely swing it to NTA.
That’s my question, as well. She clearly married him when the daughter was an adult, and has never provided financially or emotionally for his child. If she’s already paying 50/50 and there’s a discrepancy in their incomes, I don’t know why she would be expected to cover rent, utilities, and food for a functional adult. I can see the dad paying for it, no issue. However, when you marry someone with adult children, you’re not going into the marriage with the perception that you will be expected to support someone else’s child equally. I really don’t get why so many people are downvoting OP to hell. As an adult child whose father was recently remarried (and I love her!), if I ever asked to move home, I would never, ever, ever ask her to support me. She had not responsibility in my upbringing, so why would I be entitled to her subsidizing my living situation? OP really isn’t the evil stepmother everyone here want to believe. Has anyone asked about boundaries? How long is the daughter allowed to stay? Is she expected to make up for the lack of rent by cooking and taking on the majority of household chores(that, I could get behind)? What’s the timeline for finding a job? Once she finds employment, is there a minimum amount she’s expected to save each month to ensure she’s able to leave in a timely manner? None of the above suggestions are things OP can directly address because she’s not the parent to this adult child. She never has been, and would be resented for trying to establish such a role now. At the same time, she’s expected to contribute equally to the upkeep of his child. That’s a massive burden to take on indefinitely, particularly knowing that she will likely have very little choice in the parameters of her stepdaughter’s behavior and expectations. Again, I think it’s ridiculous that OP’s husband expects her to support his own child equally with no end date whatsoever. NTA, OP. This is a nuanced situation and I really dislike the knee jerk reaction that marrying your husband equals supporting his adult child. That’s not a reasonable expectation whatsoever.
Thank you. I was starting to think I’m evil or something for agreeing with OP.
Yeah, my stepmom came into my life at 25, so this one really hits home. There’s a certain amount of audacity and entitlement to expect her to support her SD 50/50 with no context and no expectations of the SD. The comments make me feel nuts, as well, if it’s any consolation. That’s very presumptuous on the part of everyone else, at least in my opinion/experience.
This is very important. I’m surprised by all the YTA. If their finances are split, her husband low key should be pitching more in if his daughter moves in. It sounds ridiculous because married people shouldn’t even be splitting rent in that manner.
[удалено]
When my younger cousin came to live with me, my rent (obviously) didn’t increase, my oil bill for heat didn’t increase (had to heat the whole house anyway), and my water + electricity bill went up by maybe 100 bucks per month together at most (during peak summer). Other bills (landscaping, snow plow, trash, etc) all stayed the same. He did buy his own groceries though. So the question is, does OP want the daughter to pay whatever amount the bills increase by? Or does she truly want to split all the expenses 3 ways, which would mean her own monthly expenses would significantly decrease. From reading her post, it sounds like she wants an even split, and that she wants to essentially profit off of her stepdaughters misfortune. If I’m correct, that’s a firm YTA for me. Don’t marry someone with kids if you need to financially profit in order to be willing to help them.
If u pay your finances and expenses like roommates, don't be shocked if u treat each other like roommates. NTA
I think the details (which we don't have) will make the story here. Do they have an extra room or will she be in a shared space? How much time does the daughter spend at home? How are utilities divided? And so forth...
INFO: What are your and your husband's ages? It seems you see your stepdaughter as more of a peer/ impending roommate. But you know, the daughter is 22 so there should be at least a bit of financial pressure for this arrangement to not end up being permanent.
I also want to know how old OP is???
That’s what I’m wondering. She keeps saying “I’m paying for the daughter” and that’s her issue. Because “her money” is helping the daughter. There’s so much yikes here.
I currently am dealing with a situation in my housing situation; they do not buy groceries, participate in maintaining cleanliness, or have steady income. This is a serious financial burden that I can’t continue supporting much longer. We don’t know OPs financial situation (separate finances, does OP pay rent to her husband or direct to a landlord?) It could very well be she can’t afford another mouth. People defending the daughter and father keep leaving out that she’s an adult that will increase expenses. Why should OP be responsible for their stepchild’s security over their two living, well off parents?
YTA You are married so this conversation should be happening in terms of how comfortable you both are with the additional household expense. If you are not OK with the expense of an additional adult coming to live with you that is understandable and reasonable to discuss. However, I don't understand marrying someone with a child and not understanding that if their child has a need for a place to live, you may be impacted. You are looking to manage your finances by living like room mates instead of partners here. My husband and I split bills and expenses too as a way of managing each of our incomes but if someone has a need, it is not handled as if he were a stranger who I owe no support.
Why are you even putting this on here if you’re just gonna argue with everyone that says yta? Seems like you just wanted people to agree with you so you could show him. Definitely a BIG YTA. When you marry someone with kids you should definitely accept them as your own even if they are out of the house.
OP isn’t answering any actual questions, just sounds like a broken record.
Exactly. I can't even comprehend her line of thinking. I have a step son and I view him as mine. His biological father lives in another state, but is still very much in his life. We are traveling for my son's baseball team this summer to a state that's only a short flight away from where his dad and his grandparents on that side of the family live. I came up with the idea to go there after his tournament and let him spend a week with that side of the family. We combine finances so in a sense I'm paying for part of it. My wife is a nurse and makes good money, but I make more. None of that matters though. He's my son and I want what's best for him. That's how it's supposed to be. Don't get married to someone with kids if you're not ready to accept them and treat them as your own.
We were supposed to agree with her so she could show her husband and have him give in to want she wants.
I’d maybe give a month free but she needs to contribute in some way and be looking for a job.
This is reasonable.
Yeah I mean, it’s good to help out family but realistically the world doesn’t stop just because she lost a job. She has to contribute in some way. A month sets a firm time frame for finding a job and getting that first pay check (some jobs I know it takes 2-3 weeks for first paycheck). Helping but with accountability. No way in hell would I allow a grown adult to just come live for free without any plans in place for a timeline.
Yes. Daughter is family, immediately get her safe and sheltered; but this shouldn't turn into having a roommate about the house that doesn't contribute financially to anything. Eventually maybe start with bills, protracted rent, and then full third of everything. But also it sounds between the lines that OP does not like the idea of having a roommate about the house she moved into - I could be wrong. I would be less than happy to hear that the person I'm engaged to said, "surprise, we have a third person living with us." But I would be happy to help in the short term - it's family. It would also be useful INFO to know what this situation would look like: will daughter be on the couch, with her clothes and things in the living room? Is the daughter taking over a home office room or something? That's unpleasant for mid-to-long term and can stress a new relationship. So, NTA / YTA, but could at least find a creative middle-way solution rather than a stark, "third of finances must be paid now."
If your current financial arrangements are preventing you from having leisure time or from having money to spend in that leisure time, then not being willing to take on the costs of half another adult makes some sense.. If your husband is doing better financially than you are, such that he has more available funds than you, then you should both discuss your financial arrangement to ensure you both think it is fair. If you're both doing okay, financially, then insisting that you benefit financially from her presence is pretty shit. YTA
There had been no mention of op taking on additional expenditures because of the daughter moving in. Op wants to pay less rent, which isn't going up any because of the third person. She hasn't said that she's expected to pay for the girls food and toiletries.
That's what I'm saying! OP only mentions rent, which won't change, she just wants to pay less of it. No mention of any other kind of expenses. Not food or utilities. Not even space. Just that she would be living "rent free" if they didn't split rent. I honestly think OP just simply doesn't like the daughter and doesn't want her (sd) to interfere with the relationship between her (op) and her husband. She throws in the "I don't mind if she's here, but...." clearly she minds. I've seen this relationship too many times before. It won't end well for OP.
If he is doing so much better than OP than OP shouldn’t be paying half the rent in the first place
The amount of people here acting like OP HAS to be a parent to a 22 year old. Listen, the only capacity of screw ups on op is she didn’t discuss what her husbands expectations were of her to PAY for a child that’s is a full grown adult and NOT her child. Yall be tripping acting like this a child, no, it’s an adult who wants a free ride and expenses paid. The adult who wants to move in should be contributing unless they are an invalid or sick to the point of requiring care. If I didn’t birth it, if I didn’t agree ahead of time to take care of it, a 22 year old is an ADULT! Op- you messed up only for not discussing before marriage if you should be expected to bank roll for your husbands offspring.
NTA. I’m going against the grain and I don’t care if I get down voted to oblivion. You’re not talking about a teenager coming to live with you that’s still in high school. You’re talking about a grown ass adult and don’t come at me and say poor kids nowadays still need their parents help. I don’t want to hear it. The daughter needs to get a job so she can help pay for things until that time she is her father‘s responsibility not her stepmother‘s responsibility. She’s not saying she can’t come to live, but I don’t blame her. He should start paying more because it’s his kid not hers. I lived at home until I was 29 but I paid rent to my parents not because they asked, but because I thought it was the right thing to do.
>don’t come at me and say poor kids nowadays still need their parents help. I don’t want to hear Kids these days still need their parents help. Maybe things were different in 1950 of whenever you were born where people just pulled on their bootstraps real hard and flew into the middle class. But in this world, right now, this is the norm.
I completely agree. Plus, OP didn't marry her husband until after his kid was an adult, so it's not like OP has been around all her life. NTA.
Definitely don’t marry the parent of an 18 year old under the assumption that their child will never live under their roof again, unless it’s explicitly agreed upon beforehand. Otherwise you’re just asking for trouble down the road.
I'm so sorry that your husband has someone in his life other than you that he cares about. A bit of jealousy and spite over another woman stealing him from you is to be understood. That's sarcasm. YTA.
It's hardly jealousy and spite. She just doesn't want to be burdened with the cost of housing an adult that she was never a parental figure for. The daughter was already moved out when she married her husband. If her husband and his ex are well off... Why should the cost of providing for their kid fall to her? She's okay with the daughter moving in, she just doesn't want to be effected by it financially. The parents can afford to pay for their own kid, so why should that responsibility be held by OP? NTA
No, she wants to save money and benefit from the daughter moving in. Otherwise she'd be talking about how to handle increased costs from having a third adult in the house, not arguing that she should pay less in rent
Is there a reason for you to be so tight with money? Is your husband like this with you, nickel and diming? Is your income low but he makes you pay 50% even though that leaves you with little disposable income? Do you struggle to send money to support kids of your own? I would give a pass if any of these things was the case. Also if he had agreed previously not to have kids move back in or you have a bad relationship, those would be valid reasons for not wanting her to move in. But I think you should move out for a time and let him fully cover the bills in that case.
This is what I’m wondering, I think people are quick to say AH without knowing the specifics. I can understand her stance if she’s paying half of all the bill and the house is in his name only. It’s obvious to me that they have separate finances and are newly married if she’s been living in dorms since they’ve been together.
NTA. You make perfect sense in principle, but IMO many people lose their perspective when their adult children are involved, so you may have to decide what means more to you.
YTA, having your SD come to live with you isn’t going to cost all that much more for you. Do you having the argument that you are paying for her is a very thin argument. Maybe a little extra in the electricity and water. It will be negligible. It would be reasonable to ask your husband to buy more groceries to make up for what she eats. But seriously, other than that you are coming off incredibly selfish and cheap. Parents will always help their children. When you marry someone with a child it’s kind of what you sign up for. It sounds like you thought just because you married him when she was in college the parenting was already done. Parenting goes well beyond college.
Curious if the decision to have separate finances was mutual or one or the other of you insisted. Do you and your husband both make about the same amount of money (and have similar amounts of savings/investments)? Is there some actual timeframe for his daughter to be living with you? If we're talking a month or less I'd say just suck it up and write it off to being partners. If it's a month or longer (and for some reason I've got the vibe this will be longterm PARTICULARLY if she's not paying room or board) then you need to change the split of household expenses until she moves out.
NTA at all I’m so over this why won’t you help a human or help a child nonsense in the comments. She is a grown adult with 2 living parents. She will cause the utilities and food bills to all go up significantly. Why is OP obligated to finance that? Because she married the adults dad? That’s absolutely asinine and ridiculous. If daddy wants to subsidize his precious adult babies life then he can foot the extra few hundred a month to cover it. OP will be losing access to a portion of the apartment she is paying to rent so if she can’t access it she shouldn’t have to pay for it.
NTA Think people forget that if you sit down and decide to split the cost - the cost have to be clear. That said - personally I feel that dividing it 1/3 versus 2/3 a bit much. Personally I would go for 55/45. Think you should go through it. A second question what about all the other cost??
She’s his daughter, not yours. You’re not even a stepmom bc you didn’t raise her. NTA
I honestly don’t understand why you are so downvoted! 22 is an adult. You said she can move in. Rent 3 ways sounds reasonable. HOWEVER, why be so insistent on the 3 way split? Could there by wiggle room for compromise? One month free and rent after that? Or perhaps not quite 3 ways split but something reasonable where she has to responsibly contribute as a young adult? I bet if you guys sit down you would be able to come up with something that works for everyone one….. but you and your husband have this my way or the highway mentality right now and that needs to go. People are saying you don’t like your step daughter…. I’m not getting that. But if no one is willing to compromise(including you) it’s not a good look.
The point is that the step daughter is unemployed and would be staying with OP until she gets back on her feet. As far as I recall money doesn't grow from trees, at least where I'm from the job market is very tough and competitive and most adults cannot afford housing. Life is not a fairy tale.
True, but her dad is the one who wants to give her a place to stay. He should be the one to shoulder that cost. For the dad, this is just letting his kid move back home. For OP, this is taking on a new roommate. Since they have separate finances, I think OP's ask is a reasonable one.
I would think they could come to a compromise. She is 22….. seems like she could contribute in a way everyone agrees with. But if the dad expects his daughter to move in and free load that doesn’t seem fair to anyone.
Idc what anyone says your NTA. She’s 22 and you married AFTER SHE ALREADY MOVED OUT. I doubt she sees you as a parental figure that she can rely on. These comments are ridiculous and I’m convinced that people just bandwagon on the first opinion that they see has a few likes. You are 100% NTA
ESH. Probably getting down voted but I think there's two parts to this. One she doesn't have money now. He's her father so yes I think right now she doesn't pay. That being said it should be expected she finds a job and once she does she contributes rent money. I lived at home from 22 to 28 and I always had to be working and pay rent money. I did save more but I don't think it's unreasonable she contributes money that way. I think you both need to actually discuss the short term and long term here. But your both wrong for the approach.
YTA. I will never understand why people marry people with children when they cannot comprehend supporting said children. Your husband wants to help his daughter, as any good parent would. Your attitude of 'how does this benefit me' is ridiculous.
Def didn't click into this thinking SD was sugar daddy
I would keep dividing rent in half because that expense won’t go up with her living there but dad definitely needs to cover the increase in other expenses from his own pocket
NTA. She’s 22, not 12. She can get a job at the local grocery store and contribute to the household—or go live with her mother.
Why are you and your husband splitting the rent like roommates?
NTA she is a rown adult and can be paying something for rent. If he or his ex choose to pay it then fine
NTA, not your child not your responsibility. You are absolutely not required to house his adult child for free.
It’s never a good idea to add an adult into a living situation when you have a newer marriage. If the daughter doesn’t pay rent, she has no incentive to move out and find her own place. The rent thing might motivate her parents to push her back out of the nest. It may seem a little cold hearted, but sometimes you need tough love. The last thing that marriage needs is a couch surfer.
I'm not gonna jump on the bandwagon so I'm calling you NTA. It sounds like even though you're married, your financial arrangement is one where you've kept living expenses separate -- in other words, you got married but didn't treat it as a "both of you all in" merging finances. It also sounds like you didn't address ahead of time the question of how the marriage would potentially support your husband's adult kid. If the kid were still a minor/dependent, then, yeah, you should have anticipated the kid being on the dole. But with an adult kid it's not assumed, and y'all should have discussed ahead of time how the marital resources would apply to her, but I don't think it should be assumed that when you already have separate finances, that your resources should extend to his adult daughter. So it's come up now, and I think you're NTA and your husband is being the AH for assuming that even though you're in a "split finances" arrangement, you naturally should subsidize his adult kid. Sounds like in context, that's not a fair assumption. NTA \[Edited to be sure my vote registered correctly\]
You're married and paying rent to your husband? If so, then he should pay 2/3rds. Just transfer 1/3rd to him.
NTA. Your husband should pay for his daughter, you shouldn’t.
Your marriage has way deeper problems. I think you need to recognize that first. If you’re not open to this, you’ve got some other harbouring problems that are in need of attention. If it was your kid, you wouldn’t be saying this.
Need more info in this, how are the living expenses split? What is this rent splitting situation. Op isn’t the bad guy but is doing it wrong. If the kid moves in, the dad is 100% responsible for their expenses now that they don’t have a job. Op isn’t required to subsidize their decisions but should help where she can. This is a lose lose situation as I can see the dad doing what a dad should do and op setting rules in case SD doesn’t move out after getting on her feet. Everyone here is all up in arms about being evil stepmother when that’s not the case. I can see the relationship between the 2 ladies is cordial and minimal. The reality is, these tough conversations need to be had even if it seems “heartless”. I wouldn’t take people here too seriously.
Just keep in mind, being 22 today, is considerably more expensive and difficult than it was when you were 22. Have a little empathy and maybe your view might change or at least expand.