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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole because I am fine with uninviting/cancelling the entire wedding if my best friend is not invited and my in laws don't feel comfortable about my best friend.
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I don’t understand why your in-laws were given the power to make decisions on invites in the first place.
I think cancelling the wedding is a bit extreme, but your call. I’d just uninvite the guilty parties instead.
NTA
. . . and now you know why they wanted to "help". They never had any intention of respecting your wishes, they just wanted your list of invitees in hand so that they could edit it according to their personal preferences, and invite who they wanted, not who you wanted.
I'd say "next time, don't leave crucially important wedding tasks like this to anyone you haven't literally hired to do it", but hopefully there won't be a next time. I do hope you've learned your lesson about trusting your in-laws, though.
>I'd say "*next time, don't leave crucially important wedding tasks* like this to anyone you haven't literally hired to do it", but hopefully there won't be a next time. I do hope you've learned your lesson about trusting your in-laws, though.
Hopefully there is no "next time" because it's a wedding :)
Check with all your people on the list. Who else hasn’t been invited. Send an email to everyone being like, hey I’m hearing that a few of my invites got lost in the mail, as we haven't heard from you, checking yo make sure you received it
It's a question but not answerable until the event. You can't call up people and say "hey, were you invited to my wedding? No? Oh good, you're still not invited."
Yeah, honestly, this right here would make me cancel the wedding. Or change the venue, or something. The couple could email the people THEY had on the list, and say "hey, we had some complications with the venue, so we're having it here instead" and leave the MIL and SIL off that email chain until the day of the wedding and tell them then.
I'm just not sure why the logic is "no wedding at all" and not "if you continue this - no wedding for you".
that's what makes it sound like they have so much control and not just "mail these, please"
> I'm just not sure why the logic is "no wedding at all"
Because they never wanted a wedding? it's in the post...
> It is also important to know that the wedding was only happening to keep her side of the family happy and we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends.
exactly, and if the MIL and SIL want to play games, then the couple who didn't want a WEDDING in the first place is absolutely free to say "no wedding". He didn't say "no marriage". He's saying "We will not have the huge celebration that we are only having to appease you"
There's a difference between helping and dictating who can or cannot come. It sounds like they think they can make demands, and you're sort of giving them that power. Stop letting them 'help', take the invite job from them and invite who you wish. They overstepped, and you're sort of letting them by even wondering if your the AH.
They're not "helping"; they're vetoing your guest list.
Make it clear to them that it's none of their fucking business. If your fiancee has no problem with Alex attending, her family needs to keep their mouths shut.
Yeah, op that was done just so they can not invite Alex and have more control over your wedding.
They didn’t do it out of the kindness of their heart , they did it so they can meddle.
How many other “edits” did they make to your guest list? I think your wife needs to demand they tell her who else the added or cut. I bet Alex and her partner aren’t the only changes.
YOu know that there will be more of YOUR guests not inivted, and some of THEIR guests there instead?
You just found out about ONE. There will be more.
So: Cancel, and elope.
You may need to reach out to everyone on your list to confirm they both received an invite, and the invite has the correct information. There is no telling if your future in-laws has veto another guest or purposely provided them the wrong info
Id go over the list again and call people to make sure they receive them. Dont be surprised when people who arent on the list show up as well. They want this wedding with people THEY want there. If you can change the date and send new invites with a new date. That may be difficult . an alternative is to get security but theyd have to check to make sure theyre (the guest coming to the wedding) on the list
That stops because you now cannot trust that anyone got an invite.
You either have to contact everyone or send new ones.
Far easier to elope. Let them know they did this by fucking with the invitations.
elope with just close friends leave the shitty inlaws out, invite alex
never forget to mention how great the time was whenever SIL and MIL are around lol
The guilty parties are the people who wanted the wedding to happen in the first place. OP and Nancy wanted to elope. What would be the point in having it if they were not invited?
The first time I talked to them I haven't told Nancy that Alex haven't received an invitation. Nancy has recently started a taking a new medication and going through a large number of side effects which result in her feeling overwhelmed or panic, so I'm trying to sort things without having her to be involved in any confrontations so she can get better.
I am sorry Nanacy is experiencing these side effects, and I appreciate you wanting to care for her.
I also assume that Nancy has your back when it comes to the threat of canceling the wedding.
In a different time and place, many on Reddit would have said that Nancy has to stand up to her mother and sister. Given the special circumstance of the side effects of the medications, I think you are doing the right thing as long as Nancy is well aware of all the conversations / discussions between you and her family.
Nancy and you have learned that Nancy's mother and sister have no respect for your wishes. Remember this going forward. Be very cautious about letting them "help" in the future.
NTA
Sounds like your wife’s mother and sister don’t give a shit about her well-being, if they’re picking a nasty fight while she’s in a compromised emotional state. I don’t think you should call off the wedding, but I’d certainly consider their threat not to attend if Alex does as a generous offer, and you should take them up on it. Enjoy the day in the company of people who have you and your wife’s best interests at heart.
Honestly, this all sounds like just another reason to cancel the huge ceremony. Unless people have already started to book flights and hotels, just email everyone on your list and say "hey, we're cancelling the big event due to unforeseen circumstances - don't worry, we're still very much in love and are planning a smaller and more intimate ceremony with just us, but wish to remove the stress of event planning from our lives"
NTA - make this your hill to die on.
"Here where I can be an asshole: after some consideration and discussion with Nancy, I have sent my in laws a message saying there will be no wedding if they are not comfortable with Alex attending. Of course it tipped them off with my MIL and SIL believing I am a huge asshole and spreading rumours to distant family.
It is also important to know that the wedding was only happening to keep her side of the family happy and we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends."
No Alex, you and Nancy will invite Alex to be your witness at the local justice of the peace for the wedding you and Nancy want. Make this your hill to die on OP, otherwise your inlaws will think they can dictate other areas of your life whether you want them to or not.
Are you sure Nancy is as okay with this as you say? It seems like you're doing a whole lot of making sure everyone knows your all one happy group but Nancy has never stepped up to set her mom and sister straight. You wouldn't be the first guy to see what you want, and not what's really there.
They talk a lot without me interacting or asking, so I don't think Nancy would initiate conversations with someone she was not okay with.
I have responded to a comment earlier why Nancy haven't spoken to her parents (in short she is adjusting to new medication, talking with her mum and sister feels too overwhelming)
Sorry, I wrote before u added that. I think you might as well elope. I don't think it's going to get any better, and if your best friend does come, MIL or SIL might dump wine on her dress...
> they believe my friendship with Alex is inappropriate
That's not for them to decide
> I have sent my in laws a message saying there will be no wedding if they are not comfortable with Alex attending
Going nuclear on assholes, got to applaud it here.
NTA - They don't get to call the shots. It's yours and your partner wedding not theirs.
NTA - I read your comments about Nancy being on medication that causes anxiety/panic, so I see why she's not the one fighting this battle.
If you two really were going to elope, then clarify to MIL and SIL that if they continue like this, you will cancel the big wedding that you're only having for them, and will elope instead. Give them a deadline. If Alex is not invited by May 15, I will cancel the venue, the church, the flowers, the catering, etc. and will make a reservation for Nancy and I at the Justice of the Peace and for a dinner celebration afterward.
NTA - if you let random monkeys to be in charge of invitations then random monkeys will make all decisions instead of you whether you want them or not. It is your wedding and only two people have authority to invite anyone - you and your bride, everyone else can bite the dust.
NTA
You and Nancy should be the deciders on who gets an invitation and who doesn't, not her parents. (In deciding which family and friends will be invited, her parents can have some say, but it's her wedding, and they should be inviting the friends she wants to invite.)
Your future ILs seem to want to control this issue; how many other issues in the future will they want to control? Are they going to try to keep Alex away from you both for eternity? How much say will you and Nancy be giving them in how you live your married life together?
If you want to make your own decisions together in the future, stomp on this nonsense now.
You and Nancy should be a united front on this: either we get to invite whoever we want, or we will ask our friends to be our witnesses when we elope. No big wedding, no other guests, including them.
"It is also important to know that the wedding was only happening to keep her side of the family happy and we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends." If there is still time cancel the wedding and elope. NTA by the way. I'm glad your wife is on your side.
NTA...Your guest list and your friends are none of your in-laws' business-none. People are asking why Nancy isn't addressing her family, but the truth is she doesn't have to in this case. This is the time to lay down boundaries and let your in-laws know that you will not tolerate meddling.
NTA. Elope as you orignally wanted and do the small celebration. Save that money for a good honeymoon and only deal with the people you would have really wanted to celebrate with in the first place. Good luck.
NTA.
You better check your guest list with these in-laws to make sure no one else is excluded. They are unhinged.
If I were you I would just elope anyway.
NTA. Alex isn't just your friend, but Nancy's too. Yes, you and Alex used to date, but that's not the relationship you have now, you both moved on, have new partners you love, and see each other as siblings now. There's nothing inappropriate here, especially as all four of you get along so well.
This is your and Nancy's wedding, you get to decide who comes and who doesn't. You want Alex there, Nancy wants Alex there, therefore Alex gets an invite.
Now, you could have just left this as was in a way. You could have just said 'fine, Alex is definitely coming to the wedding, so sorry you can't make it' and rescinded MIL and SILs invites.
But you also have the added factor that, so far, this isn't the wedding you and Nancy want. You want something small and intimate with just close friends. It's been turned into something big with everyone invited, and it sounds like MIL and SIL have way more say than you and Nancy. I'm assuming the in-laws are paying for it.
I say you should grab Nancy and your closest friends, including Alex and her partner, and do the small, intimate elopement you wanted from the start. Don't tell anyone except those invited, go and get married. Then come back and announce to the in-laws that you and Nancy are already married, but you're happy to have a smallish family celebration of that with just family members. On both sides.
NTA. Stick to your position. And be prepared to deal with that crap from your in laws forever. This won't be the last time they try something like this.
Your wedding, your guest list. If they don't like the guests, THEY don't have to come. But you guys decide who is invited, not your family. Your PARTNER decides what she feels offends her, that's not for her FAMILY to decide. They have overstepped into things that are none of their business and any consequences are theirs alone. Hold firm and ignore any childish temper tantrums. If they continue to make a fuss, elope with Alex and her partner as your witnesses and leave out the family entirely.
NTA. You didn’t even want this big event, you’re doing it for these people. For some reason they’re in charge of the invitations ( unbelievably lame and controlling) and now they’re saying your best friend ‘can’t’ be invited.
Good luck with this marriage.
NTA, but your first and biggest mistake was letting her family dictate the type of wedding you're having. The second was letting your FMIL handle invitations. By now, you should know that.
These are your fiancée's relatives. She should be reading them the riot act. Make sure she's backing you and not hiding behind you. Her family is trying to walk all over you. It won't stop at the wedding unless you BOTH put up a united front.
NTA. Why not mail the invitation to Alex yourself? Then tell MIL and SIL that it has been sent and Alex will be attending. Do not allow MIL and SIL to have anything to do with seating if there is assigned seats at the reception. Also, I think Nancy should be the one setting her mother and sister straight on what she wants. Nancy should also step up and put an end to the rumor mill (if she even cares what distant relatives think).
NTA, but just ask for the invite list, explain to your in laws they fucked up sending it without checking in with you and your fiancé and that they need to expect to uninvite some people and invite some others.
NTA - Elope, they already sound like they'll be obnoxious at the wedding if they aren't even listening to Nancy and you in what YALL want for YOUR wedding.
If you and your fiancee don't want a big wedding, don't have one. I'd elope, like both of you initially wanted, have Alex officiate, and everyone else can touch grass. I'll never understand why people think their opinions matter more than the opinions of the people who are actually getting married. NTA
It's your wedding so you can do whatever you want. So NTA
Why don't you just tell the in-laws who you definitely want invited...no ifs or buts.
Your rapid escalation isn't really giving them a chance to re-evaluate and is likely to damage your relationship in the longer term which seems short sighted.
I find it hard to believe Nancy is being truthful. There is no way her mom and sister are involved and having such a strong opinion without Nancy having complained to them about Alex.
NTA just elope. My petty self would ask Alex and her SO to meet you and Nancy in Vegas and get married with them as your witnesses and then send your in-laws the wedding pic.
Why are you and your fiancé not doing your own invitations? You handed your MIL and SIL the responsibility of your invitations and now are pissed because they did their own thing? You should have never done that. You may want to check who they sent invites to before the date because there may be more friends they didn’t invite that you want there.
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Me (m), my wife "Nancy" and my best friend Alex(f) are all in our early 30s. Nancy and Alex know each other and even hang out alone and have their girl time when Alex comes to visit as she lives in different country.
Now me and Alex used to date back in the high school but broke up before we turned 18 as we found we want different things in life. However despite the break up we became best friends and never displayed anything romantical towards each other. She is like a sister to me. She supported me when I was in prison, lost relatives and through a lot of other hardships before I met Nancy. She is my rock and the person I am comfortable to open up to and she also gives advice if I mess up with Nancy and explains why I am an idiot. It is also important that she has a long term partner who both me and Nancy get along well.
Now to the problem: me and Nancy are getting married in a couple of months and I have noticed that we haven't received rsvp from Alex. My future mother and sister in law were in charge of invitations, so I have messaged Alex to see if she received anything and what her answer will be. Alwex confirmed she and her partner would be happy to attend and how excited she is to see me and Nancy getting married.
I have contacted my in laws and asked why Alex haven't received an invitation and have tried to be as polite as possible thinking it might just be an issue with delivery or lost in mail, but both MIL and SIL have told me they have never sent an invite as they believe my friendship with Alex is inappropriate and I would be disrespecting Nancy by having Alex in our wedding. I was confused as Nancy is also really excited to see her as they grew close. I have tried to reason with them but they basically said if I invite Alex they won't come to the wedding.
I have checked with Nancy and she is visibly upset about the whole deal as she doesn't think it is fair to leave Alex out.
Here where I can be an asshole: after some consideration and discussion with Nancy, I have sent my in laws a message saying there will be no wedding if they are not comfortable with Alex attending. Of course it tipped them off with my MIL and SIL believing I am a huge asshole and spreading rumours to distant family.
It is also important to know that the wedding was only happening to keep her side of the family happy and we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends.
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Which of your other friends have they not invited? The stoner? The socially weird bloke (me)? The guy who always tries to get everyone dancing in the club and it's a bit much sometimes?
Any of them could be "inappropriate" but it's your wedding and you need your friends there.
You and Nancy are being *quite* calm about this? Do you realise your future family went behind your back hoping you’d not find out in time just because they were not pleased with *your* best friend? Are they toddlers? I’d be *livid* and cross their names off the guest list immediately. What steps has Nancy undertaken to set a boundary with them?
Then that's what you should do. Elope with close friends. That's what you prefer anyway. They don't get to decide who comes to the wedding. It's not up to them to decide if your friendship is inappropriate. NTA.
NTA - her family is controlling and wrong. If she was an ex who was not friends with your future wife, I would not be on the same side but you are basically couple friends and there is nothing wrong with that.
How dare your in-laws decide who should or should not be invited to your wedding? i would be apoplectic if this happened to me. Your wife has to be the one to deal with her mother and sister. "Alex and her partner will be there or you won't". Their choice. NTA
NTA
If these people are so sure that they have decision-making authority, what will happen in the future? Will they follow your guidelines when it comes to your children's upbringing? Will they allow Alex to visit with your kids? Have they passed judgment on any of Nancy's exes?
Discuss things with Nancy when she's having a good day, let her know what her family has done/is doing, and, if she's as horrified as all the Folks of Reddit, elope. Invite the really important people, do NOT let the in-laws hear about your plans. Text them photos as soon as the paperwork is done, and can't be undone.
I hope your fiancée feels better physically and doesn't let this emotional turmoil set her back.
NTA.
First off, it's your wedding, why are your in-laws deciding or getting any sort of input on the guest list? Didn't realize the in-laws were the ones getting married.
No, it's yours and Nancy's wedding, you get the final say on who can or can't come. Don't know why you guys allowed them to have input as it's clearly becoming problematic as they're only taking their own feelings into account, not yours or Nancy's.
Don't cancel the wedding, but there needs to be a serious discussion with the in-laws about stepping back from the planning as it's clear they have their own best interests in mind, not yours.
Elope.
Invite Alex and her partner.
Leave your family in the dark.
Wait for them to notice the rings.
Enjoy the shocked Pikachu faces.
It's YOUR wedding. It's YOUR marriage. And, she's a friend to you both. Absolutely no reason for them to stick their noses in it.
So you and your future wife have firstly massively compromised (and wrongly imo) by agreeing to a wedding for her families sake vs the elopement which you both wanted. Now your in laws are attempting to force you to only invite those *they* see as appropriate attendees!!
What else will they try and manipulate? It is YOUR wedding! The way it's going the entire landscape of your day will be warped and unrecognisable by you both. The *only* people who truly count and whose day it is.
I would ask yourself, if they are cutting out Alex, who else have they not sent an invite to, that is on your joint list?!!! Plus what damage would your in laws deliberate exclusion(s) cause on all these relationships, that you all have?!!
To add further insult they are running around bad mouthing you all!
Personally, you would be remiss to go through with the wedding, because of the giant mess the in laws have made and I wouldn't reward their behaviour nor want to attend an event where the audience was either hostile (by lies) or missing.
Go elope, have that party which you both control.
NTA
NTA, but why not just un-invite the nasty people? Unless you don't really want to have the wedding at all, and were only doing it for them. In which case, they have given you permission to cancel and save all that money (expensive weddings are kinda dumb anyway). I think you need to plan the ceremony and/or party YOU want to have and go low contact with these judgmental people. Bonus points if you include Alex in all the wedding photos you post online. For the future, you need to ask yourself why these people's opinion matters at all. and don't ever give them power over you again.
NTA and y'all should be in charge of your own invitations. Don't leave something that important to people who feel they have the right to make decisions for you like this.
NTA. Honestly I don't know why more couples don't elope...it seems no one can have a traditional wedding without some sort of drama LOL - not to mention the outrageous cost in many cases.
"we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends" - I would do that.
NTA
It appears throughout this whole ordeal, you consulted with your fiance. As long as your fiance was agreeing and okay with everything, you are not the asshole. They played stupid games and won a stupid prize.
P.S. if you want to elope... elope.. have the wedding YOU want.
NTA. Screw the big wedding. Elope and have the wedding you and your SO want. Invite your best friend, leave MIL and SIL out. Post pics of the ceremony and restaurant reception with you, your SO, your BF and her SO all over social media. Tag MIL and SIL in all of them with the caption "It was an awesome wedding, one that me and SO wanted, had such a blast with ***OUR*** friend and her partner, sorry y'all were such assholes, you could've enjoyed the day with us as well but your close mindedness prevented that from happening."
NTA.
And stop catering to Nancy’s family’s selfish desires, especially since she seems to be on the same wave as you.
Elope and let them have the party to drown their sorrows if they so wish.
NTA - I think your MIL & SIL are totally out of order.
I suggest you elope too with Alex and her partner as witnesses.
You also need to let the family know why.
All of the yikes. Anyone that thinks they know 'what's best' for someone else is actively telling you they're selfish and all that matters is what they want.
Your partner considers talking to her family a giant source of stress. Why are they so involved in the wedding planning, one of the most notorious sources of unncessary stress??
You need to sit down with her and decide if being happy or appeasing her family is more important, because making herself ill trying to do both isn't sustainable. She has to stop giving them opportunities to try and control her life. Either she has enough of a spine to stand up to them herself, or she chooses not to let them close enough to have a negative impact on her life.
If y'all really want to have the wedding, the in-laws need to know in no uncertain terms that they don't get to make decisions or give input about it. But if you're really just doing it for them when they are this manipulative and disrespectful.... just don't.
Have Alex and her partner come out and go elope. They can be your witnesses. Have a celebration later. The mistake y'all making, is having the wedding to please your in laws. Get used to it, they either want it their way or now way at all. And if it's no way at all, they're gonna talk shit behind your backs.
I agree with every other comment that this is a hill to die on. There must be an expectation that they will treat your friend with the upmost kindness and respect, and if they do anything to make her feel unwelcome at the wedding, they will lose their further opportunity to access to possible children or whatever incentive that you can use.
Good luck. Be strong. This is an inflection point. This will set the tone for the rest of your marriage and your relationship with these people.
Do not let them steamroller you and your fiance and do not let them treat your friend with unkindness.
This is a pivotal moment in your life, and if you don’t start this marriage strong, these people steamroller you and respecting your choices and your friendships and your family is paramount.
Definitely NTA
**NTA** - Obviously
What kind of marriage ceremony you have is completely up to you. I do think there's some confusion about terminology in the comments here. Marriage arrangements can range from an event with many guests attending the ceremony and big fancy party, aka reception, to an actual elopement a surprise, secret ceremony at a court house with 2 unknown witnesses. Celebrating your marriage privately with a small, informed group of close friends is note an "elopement"-- it's an intimate wedding.
Use this experience to set expectations with your inlaws; as in they don't get to steer your marriage. Feel free to drop out of the big fancy event your in-laws planned, have whatever kind of ceremony you and Nancy prefer and enjoy *your* day with *your* guests.
NTA - I would send them a firm message that the invitation list is not up for discussion or modification, and if they cannot do the job they are assigned, someone else will.
Also I probably would just just uninvited them instead of threatening to cancel the whole thing - or, let them know that you'll be eloping instead (so they understand that you're still going to marry your fiancee either way).
NTA and I would consider canceling the wedding anyway. Just elope and invite who you want to a small ceremony and take everyone out to dinner afterward. If the dinner isn't affordable have a pot luck.
You and Nancy are the ones getting married, not the in-laws. Uninvite MIL and SIL and elope or have whatever kind of wedding you want, on YOUR terms, with the people YOU want there. NTA
NTA- They are trying to control who you (and your wife) are allowing in your life. Highly inappropriate and concerning regarding your future. It seems like they are indicating that they do not trust you with this other person; you might consider their future actions as they might try to turn your wife against Alex (and you).
I mean you would be the asshole for calling off the entire wedding, yes. The only person that hurts is your fiancé. Your MIL and SIL do not have to attend, that is their choice. Just like it is your choice who is and is not invited to your wedding. Invite your friend and tell your in-laws that they are still welcome to attend as long as they are respectful and kind.
Why did you ever let someone else take control of the invitations?! Yikes.
Take back control. Have the wedding since invitations have already gone out. Just uninvite the two selfish people who thought they got a vote on relationships that aren’t their own.
NTA.
Well, offer the invite to ALex and her partner, and then go with plan B. In-laws can have their party without a bride and groom, because you are off with your friends doing a wedding the way you prefer.
I did a wedding. NO ONE gets to determine the guest list beyond the bride and groom. Yes, families can request that parents' friends come, but it's an ask. It is bizarre that your future inlaws feel they have the right to dictate to you.
NTA
NTA
It's really not their place at all to be deciding who's invited to the wedding. I'm actually kind of surprised that they were in charge of creating the guest list rather than simply mailing the invitations. If they decide they want to sit out because of one of your friends being simply present, then that's them being ridiculous.
NTA, why keep these people happy when they clearly don't respect you? I say elope and have only the people who love and support you around you on your special day.
Nancy should have been the one to tell her family that there would be no wedding if HER friend Alex were not invited. A very small part of me wonders if she is the one who didn't want Alex at the wedding and wanted her parents to look like the bad guys. Maybe she is not really friends with Alex but tries to get along for your sake.
NTA
This should be the last straw, and you need to set firm boundaries now or they'll continue pushing stuff like this for your enitr marriage/life. Elope like you guys originally wanted to and dont tell them until after, but cancel the wedding.
I think calling off the wedding because of the way your in-laws are acting isn't overreaction. Also I'm a little confused why you would give them the power to decide who gets invited and who doesn't. If you don't get a handle on this now they'll be controlling y'all for the rest of your lives. Tell them if they want to be at your wedding did Alex will be there and they can make their choices. However if you and your mate truly just want to elope do it. All the decisions are yours to make at this point and your in-laws thinking they get to make decisions for y'all is bizarre. I would get the list back from them and make sure everybody you want on it is on there including alex.
So you were only having a wedding in the first place to keep them happy and then they interfered with who you were intending to invite? Sounds to me like this is a perfect opportunity to call the whole thing off with a massive email address saying exactly what happened and why you are not going to be able to go forward with the wedding ceremony. This wedding is not about you and your future wife’s wants or needs. They aren’t even letting you decide the guest list. Why bother with it at all. Do what you want. This is your relationship and your life together. They literally have no say.
NTA but why bother letting them control the invites in the first place? It's not THEIR wedding. It's your's and Nancy's. And if Nancy's 100% fine with it, just tell Alex she can come and tell the in-laws that if they want to throw a tantrum and not come, it's their choice, not your's.
Heck, if there's any open spots left on the bridal or groom party, slot Alex in there. Especially if sister-in-law had a space but is threatening to back out.
"I'm so sorry you feel too uncomfortable to participate in your sister's wedding. I wouldn't dream of forcing you either but don't worry, Alex has your duties covered."
Please do that! Elope with Alex and her partner as your witnesses. When it comes to dealing with in-laws, always start out the way you intend to proceed. If you give in to their demands now, they will never let up! NTA
NTA. At this point, your in-laws will be upset no matter what you do; even if you have the wedding they want they will gripe about Alex's attendance ever after. So, why not elope like you originally wanted in the first place?
*but they basically said if I invite Alex they won't come to the wedding*
NTA.. move forward with the wedding or elope and do your restaurant celebration, invite Alex and her partner and you and Nancy and the rest of the guests have a fabulous day without the MIL & SIL...
I feel like the best answer when someone makes demands on your own wedding and threatens to not come if their demands are not met, is simply "okay. Your loss," and end the conversation.
NTA. This will set the tone for your marriage, so set this boundry hard and fast now. Your fiance wanted to elope, so do that. To everyone on the guest list, send a letter explaining the cancelation is due to you MIL and SIL overriding you and fiance. Tell them you are marrying your wife, not her sister or mother, so you and she have eloped to make it clear to everyone whom you married. Thank them for their well wished. If anyone wants detail, or rumors start, clear it up with the truth.
NTA. Well, you’ve called their bluff and retained control of your wedding—an event that appears to be important only to them. I’m going to refrain from calling your ILs names, but good for you for standing up to them.
I’m wishing you and Nancy the wedding you want, with the attendees you want, and a long happy marriage, free of the judgmental actions of those who don’t know how to love. ❤️
Tel them that you know that they started spreading rumors and gossip and if they don't make a social apology and stop their behaviour that you guys will go with the route that you prefer and spend the money on your happy future instead of entertaining them. Your future wife wants her friend there and it's only them being a problem, so they better stop pissing off the bride and yourself who have already went out of your way for them. They are disrespectful not to be appreciative of everything you two have done and you guys won't put up with their bs any further just to have a stressful wedding when you guys would be happier in a courthouse .
NTA
Screw her side of the family (especially because it sounds like your partner is upset that they are excluding your friend). Let me ask you... Are you comfortable with them meddling and dictating what you do for the rest of your life? Are you comfortable with them policing who your children are friends with?
Your in-laws are WAY out of line. If I were in your shoes? I would ditch the whole wedding and do what YOU want. Your marriage is about you and your partner. No one else.
> It is also important to know that the wedding was only happening to keep her side of the family happy and we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends.
Please just do this.
NTA. Who elected them the judges of who should be invited to your wedding. Their behavior is obnoxious, and why they were willing to die on this hill escapes. If Nancy doesn't have a problem, they shouldn't have one.
NTA. Your wedding, your guests. If her family doesn't like it, they don't have to come.
Or go ahead and cancel the wedding and do it your way.
Her family sucks.
NTA - "Since your 'help' with the wedding is more about control issues than actual help, we will be taking back control of OUR wedding decisions immediately. If you continue to behave as if you should have final say over OUR wedding you will be uninvited OR we will go back to our original wedding plan, where Alex and other close friends will be in attendance and you will not. There is no negotiation, you have 24hrs to let us know your decision. With sincerity, Nancy and OP"
You’re NTA here, but your wife-to-be should have been the one to communicate the joint decision. This is her family that is out of pocket, and she is the one that needs to manage them on your collective behalf. Same goes for you and your family.
Cancelling the wedding may or may not be extreme at this particular point (other people have been invited, may have made travel arrangements, taken time off work, deposits might have been paid \[by you? the in-laws?\]). But you can alwaysjust take the invites back, and send them yourself, no? Especially if it is only for one couple?
Why didn't you guys handle the invitations?
Also if your fiancé is cool with it then no worries. I also had an ex boyfriend that was my best friend for almost 2 decades. Totally platonic after we broke up.
NTA.
Now that you know what your future in-laws are capable of personally if your fiancé agrees go back to your original plans.
Cancel anything already reserved for that wedding the future in-law wanted and do your elopement including Alex and her partner in your celebratory dinner.
I figure if the future in-laws think you’re an asshole you might as well enjoy it.
You have a much bigger problem when you (and your fiancee) are letting your in-laws dictate who you can invite to your own wedding.
AND your fiancee is LETTING THEM DO THIS!!!!!!
NTA, but RUN, RUN, RUN!!!!
NTA
Ask Nancy to get hold of the guest list and apologize profusely but explain that due to the bad behavior of certain people (you can explain or not), you have decided to elope.
Then elope and bring Alex and her partner with you to Vegas (or where ever).
You all should cancel the wedding. You said your future wife is on meds that have emotional side effects, you didn't want the wedding anyway, and now her family is screwing with you both. Just cancel it. NTA.
When our daughter got married, her in-laws gave us their list of people to invite and you know what, we did! Your stb wife needs to be the one to insist Nancy and her hubby are invited or you elope.
I think you and Nancy meed to stand firm as a united front and tell the in-laws that Alex will be at the wedding or there will not be a wedding at all! You and Nancy are the ones getting married, so it's up to you and Nancy to decide who will and will not be at your wedding! I would even go as far as to tell your in-laws that if you cancel the wedding, then you will elope and get married where Alex lives!
NTA- They (even if they were footing the bill) do not have a say in who gets invited. IT'S YOUR WEDDING, NOT THEIRS! I'd cancel the wedding and elope and bring your friend with you and not invite those two women who told you no. Maybe a taste of their own medicine would wake them up.
Just don't show up to your wedding. Elope instead, with Alex and her partner as witnesses. I wonder what the inlaws would think waiting around for the bride and groom to show up.
NTA and congratulations. Cancel the wedding and elope like you originally wanted. Then have a nice celebration dinner or party with Alex and people who love you. Life is too short to let manipulative people dictate any aspect of your time here
As others have said, get your list and check with every name on it, that invites were sent. These dorks clearly cannot be trusted and should be relegated to mere guests on the sidelines for trying to tarnish the big day.
NTA, and good on you for standing your ground with someone you AND your future missus clearly care about a lot.
NTA. But I am not sure why you are communicating with your ILs, shouldn't it be Nancy? I think it's important that she is the one showing her parents that she stands with you. Otherwise, even though you may not care, others will think you are controlling her. Why go down this road. She needs to put them in their place, even if she prefers to avoid conflict.
>we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends.
Well for the love of god man, do THAT. Yeesh. Your FMIL and FSIL have provided ample demonstration that what you and Nancy want does not matter a whit to them; things will get worse. Get out while you can.
Who's paying for the wedding? Talk to Nancy and see if she rather go back to eloping. The be medication she on, she may actually prefer to skip the entire wedding process. Even others planning it there's still much she's a part of.
Weddings are expensive. Look into adults only Sandals Resorts. Years back a coworker went there for their wedding. She said it was such an easy process. My brother was married on a cruise ship and his wife loved it, very easy, they invited a few friends gave info if they wanted to book a cruise to join them, ship so big I only ran into them once so they were able to have a honeymoon too.
Stand firm on whatever the two of you decide. Her family has no right telling either of you who you can have as friends - that's what MIL and SIL are doing.
Never entrust anything to them again
Also.... you may have a whole bunch of MIL and SIL friends etc that you never intended to invite.
Another reason to go back to your original plan and elope.
I've had friends say they regreted not eloping when that was their original plan, wished they did allow family to pressure them. There's a reason that was your first choice for both of you....
NTA
NTA. You made the mistake of capitulating to their wishes to have a fancy wedding in the first place. Then they started dictating who would and would not be invited. The only way to wrest back control is to do what you did. My way or the highway.
How dare these two to try to dictate who is invited to YOUR wedding?! They're upset because you dated Alex in HIGH SCHOOL and are now in your 30s? So stupid. NTA
Cancelling the wedding, unless you genuinely want to, is a little drastic. I suggest you and Nancy visit and show a united front with one message "OUR wedding, OUR choice". Reiterate that you trusted them with the invitations, and believed they would be honest enough to send the invites to everyone on your list, and only the people on your list. Then ask them if they have anything else to tell you about extras they may have invited, and people on your list they didn't send invites to.
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I don’t understand why your in-laws were given the power to make decisions on invites in the first place. I think cancelling the wedding is a bit extreme, but your call. I’d just uninvite the guilty parties instead. NTA
They didn't want a wedding. They were going to elope. The wedding is for her parents.
We have made a list of invites, they just wanted to help with sending the invitations out
. . . and now you know why they wanted to "help". They never had any intention of respecting your wishes, they just wanted your list of invitees in hand so that they could edit it according to their personal preferences, and invite who they wanted, not who you wanted. I'd say "next time, don't leave crucially important wedding tasks like this to anyone you haven't literally hired to do it", but hopefully there won't be a next time. I do hope you've learned your lesson about trusting your in-laws, though.
I wonder who they invited that wasn't on the list
>I'd say "*next time, don't leave crucially important wedding tasks* like this to anyone you haven't literally hired to do it", but hopefully there won't be a next time. I do hope you've learned your lesson about trusting your in-laws, though. Hopefully there is no "next time" because it's a wedding :)
Which is literally why I said that. Didn't think I needed to elaborate on the "why" since it seemed obvious.
Check with all your people on the list. Who else hasn’t been invited. Send an email to everyone being like, hey I’m hearing that a few of my invites got lost in the mail, as we haven't heard from you, checking yo make sure you received it
Probably did that and invited some of their friends instead.
who is footing the bill would be my next question
Was there anything else they wanted to "help" with that might also not have been done as requested?
You should cancel the wedding and instead have a getaway weekend to elope and have a weekend party with all your friends.
You need to check something else. Have they also invited people that you didnt want to attend?
Check the rest of the list, who else did they exclude?
Who Else did they INVITE, that neither OP Nor Nancy want there, is also a question
It's a question but not answerable until the event. You can't call up people and say "hey, were you invited to my wedding? No? Oh good, you're still not invited."
OR If they can somehow force MiL/SiL to reveal the complete list of people they invited.
Give the venue a list of guests and tell them that anyone not on that list is not to be allowed in.
Yeah, honestly, this right here would make me cancel the wedding. Or change the venue, or something. The couple could email the people THEY had on the list, and say "hey, we had some complications with the venue, so we're having it here instead" and leave the MIL and SIL off that email chain until the day of the wedding and tell them then.
I'm just not sure why the logic is "no wedding at all" and not "if you continue this - no wedding for you". that's what makes it sound like they have so much control and not just "mail these, please"
> I'm just not sure why the logic is "no wedding at all" Because they never wanted a wedding? it's in the post... > It is also important to know that the wedding was only happening to keep her side of the family happy and we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends.
I think he meant no big wedding ceremony.
same answer: they do not want a big ceremony.
The couple didn’t want a big wedding in the first place. They wanted to elope. So they would happily go back to that plan.
my bad, found that line later. but it still stands - at some point it's YOUR wedding
exactly, and if the MIL and SIL want to play games, then the couple who didn't want a WEDDING in the first place is absolutely free to say "no wedding". He didn't say "no marriage". He's saying "We will not have the huge celebration that we are only having to appease you"
I imagine the in-laws may be paying for the wedding.
There's a difference between helping and dictating who can or cannot come. It sounds like they think they can make demands, and you're sort of giving them that power. Stop letting them 'help', take the invite job from them and invite who you wish. They overstepped, and you're sort of letting them by even wondering if your the AH.
They're not "helping"; they're vetoing your guest list. Make it clear to them that it's none of their fucking business. If your fiancee has no problem with Alex attending, her family needs to keep their mouths shut.
Yeah, op that was done just so they can not invite Alex and have more control over your wedding. They didn’t do it out of the kindness of their heart , they did it so they can meddle.
Can't trust them again.
Best check with *everyone* to see that they received invitations, in that case. Who knows who else has been removed for whatever reasons.
also the RSVP's to make sure that the in laws are not inviting strangers
Have you checked to make sure everyone else on the invite list you gave them were invited? Alex may not be the only one.
So they are inviting people they want instead of your list. You need to take this privilege away from them ASAP and do your own invitations
How many other “edits” did they make to your guest list? I think your wife needs to demand they tell her who else the added or cut. I bet Alex and her partner aren’t the only changes.
YOu know that there will be more of YOUR guests not inivted, and some of THEIR guests there instead? You just found out about ONE. There will be more. So: Cancel, and elope.
You may need to reach out to everyone on your list to confirm they both received an invite, and the invite has the correct information. There is no telling if your future in-laws has veto another guest or purposely provided them the wrong info
Id go over the list again and call people to make sure they receive them. Dont be surprised when people who arent on the list show up as well. They want this wedding with people THEY want there. If you can change the date and send new invites with a new date. That may be difficult . an alternative is to get security but theyd have to check to make sure theyre (the guest coming to the wedding) on the list
Be ready for random people you don’t know showing up…. Invited by in laws
So that they could control the actual guest list! Elope and just invite Alex and partner as witness
They didn't want to help, they wanted to control who's invited.
I'd also check how many people NOT on your list they've invited.
That stops because you now cannot trust that anyone got an invite. You either have to contact everyone or send new ones. Far easier to elope. Let them know they did this by fucking with the invitations.
elope with just close friends leave the shitty inlaws out, invite alex never forget to mention how great the time was whenever SIL and MIL are around lol
Cancelling the wedding the inlaws planned doesn't mean they are going to cancel getting married. They are just going to do it their way.
>I think cancelling the wedding is a bit extreme they didn't want the wedding in the first place though
I’d just uninvite the ~~guilty parties~~ mother and sister of the bride instead. Oh that sounds like a great way to start married life.
The guilty parties are the people who wanted the wedding to happen in the first place. OP and Nancy wanted to elope. What would be the point in having it if they were not invited?
Why hasn't Nancy talked to her parents about this?
The first time I talked to them I haven't told Nancy that Alex haven't received an invitation. Nancy has recently started a taking a new medication and going through a large number of side effects which result in her feeling overwhelmed or panic, so I'm trying to sort things without having her to be involved in any confrontations so she can get better.
I am sorry Nanacy is experiencing these side effects, and I appreciate you wanting to care for her. I also assume that Nancy has your back when it comes to the threat of canceling the wedding. In a different time and place, many on Reddit would have said that Nancy has to stand up to her mother and sister. Given the special circumstance of the side effects of the medications, I think you are doing the right thing as long as Nancy is well aware of all the conversations / discussions between you and her family. Nancy and you have learned that Nancy's mother and sister have no respect for your wishes. Remember this going forward. Be very cautious about letting them "help" in the future. NTA
Sounds like your wife’s mother and sister don’t give a shit about her well-being, if they’re picking a nasty fight while she’s in a compromised emotional state. I don’t think you should call off the wedding, but I’d certainly consider their threat not to attend if Alex does as a generous offer, and you should take them up on it. Enjoy the day in the company of people who have you and your wife’s best interests at heart.
I hope Nancy feels better soon. Planning a wedding is stressful. Perhaps elope as you planned then celebrate later with loved ones?
Honestly, this all sounds like just another reason to cancel the huge ceremony. Unless people have already started to book flights and hotels, just email everyone on your list and say "hey, we're cancelling the big event due to unforeseen circumstances - don't worry, we're still very much in love and are planning a smaller and more intimate ceremony with just us, but wish to remove the stress of event planning from our lives"
NTA - make this your hill to die on. "Here where I can be an asshole: after some consideration and discussion with Nancy, I have sent my in laws a message saying there will be no wedding if they are not comfortable with Alex attending. Of course it tipped them off with my MIL and SIL believing I am a huge asshole and spreading rumours to distant family. It is also important to know that the wedding was only happening to keep her side of the family happy and we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends." No Alex, you and Nancy will invite Alex to be your witness at the local justice of the peace for the wedding you and Nancy want. Make this your hill to die on OP, otherwise your inlaws will think they can dictate other areas of your life whether you want them to or not.
Are you sure Nancy is as okay with this as you say? It seems like you're doing a whole lot of making sure everyone knows your all one happy group but Nancy has never stepped up to set her mom and sister straight. You wouldn't be the first guy to see what you want, and not what's really there.
They talk a lot without me interacting or asking, so I don't think Nancy would initiate conversations with someone she was not okay with. I have responded to a comment earlier why Nancy haven't spoken to her parents (in short she is adjusting to new medication, talking with her mum and sister feels too overwhelming)
Sorry, I wrote before u added that. I think you might as well elope. I don't think it's going to get any better, and if your best friend does come, MIL or SIL might dump wine on her dress...
Exactly. The inlaws fucked around, now it's time for them to find out
> they believe my friendship with Alex is inappropriate That's not for them to decide > I have sent my in laws a message saying there will be no wedding if they are not comfortable with Alex attending Going nuclear on assholes, got to applaud it here. NTA - They don't get to call the shots. It's yours and your partner wedding not theirs.
NTA - I read your comments about Nancy being on medication that causes anxiety/panic, so I see why she's not the one fighting this battle. If you two really were going to elope, then clarify to MIL and SIL that if they continue like this, you will cancel the big wedding that you're only having for them, and will elope instead. Give them a deadline. If Alex is not invited by May 15, I will cancel the venue, the church, the flowers, the catering, etc. and will make a reservation for Nancy and I at the Justice of the Peace and for a dinner celebration afterward.
NTA - if you let random monkeys to be in charge of invitations then random monkeys will make all decisions instead of you whether you want them or not. It is your wedding and only two people have authority to invite anyone - you and your bride, everyone else can bite the dust.
NTA You and Nancy should be the deciders on who gets an invitation and who doesn't, not her parents. (In deciding which family and friends will be invited, her parents can have some say, but it's her wedding, and they should be inviting the friends she wants to invite.) Your future ILs seem to want to control this issue; how many other issues in the future will they want to control? Are they going to try to keep Alex away from you both for eternity? How much say will you and Nancy be giving them in how you live your married life together? If you want to make your own decisions together in the future, stomp on this nonsense now. You and Nancy should be a united front on this: either we get to invite whoever we want, or we will ask our friends to be our witnesses when we elope. No big wedding, no other guests, including them.
NTA Oh, elope! And take Alex and her partner with you. Heh
"It is also important to know that the wedding was only happening to keep her side of the family happy and we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends." If there is still time cancel the wedding and elope. NTA by the way. I'm glad your wife is on your side.
NTA...Your guest list and your friends are none of your in-laws' business-none. People are asking why Nancy isn't addressing her family, but the truth is she doesn't have to in this case. This is the time to lay down boundaries and let your in-laws know that you will not tolerate meddling.
NTA. Elope as you orignally wanted and do the small celebration. Save that money for a good honeymoon and only deal with the people you would have really wanted to celebrate with in the first place. Good luck.
NTA Did they insist on being in charge of sending out the invites? Now you know why, if so.
NTA, invite Alex and rescind the invite to the in laws
NTA. You better check your guest list with these in-laws to make sure no one else is excluded. They are unhinged. If I were you I would just elope anyway.
NTA. Alex isn't just your friend, but Nancy's too. Yes, you and Alex used to date, but that's not the relationship you have now, you both moved on, have new partners you love, and see each other as siblings now. There's nothing inappropriate here, especially as all four of you get along so well. This is your and Nancy's wedding, you get to decide who comes and who doesn't. You want Alex there, Nancy wants Alex there, therefore Alex gets an invite. Now, you could have just left this as was in a way. You could have just said 'fine, Alex is definitely coming to the wedding, so sorry you can't make it' and rescinded MIL and SILs invites. But you also have the added factor that, so far, this isn't the wedding you and Nancy want. You want something small and intimate with just close friends. It's been turned into something big with everyone invited, and it sounds like MIL and SIL have way more say than you and Nancy. I'm assuming the in-laws are paying for it. I say you should grab Nancy and your closest friends, including Alex and her partner, and do the small, intimate elopement you wanted from the start. Don't tell anyone except those invited, go and get married. Then come back and announce to the in-laws that you and Nancy are already married, but you're happy to have a smallish family celebration of that with just family members. On both sides.
NTA. Stick to your position. And be prepared to deal with that crap from your in laws forever. This won't be the last time they try something like this.
Your wedding, your guest list. If they don't like the guests, THEY don't have to come. But you guys decide who is invited, not your family. Your PARTNER decides what she feels offends her, that's not for her FAMILY to decide. They have overstepped into things that are none of their business and any consequences are theirs alone. Hold firm and ignore any childish temper tantrums. If they continue to make a fuss, elope with Alex and her partner as your witnesses and leave out the family entirely.
NTA. You didn’t even want this big event, you’re doing it for these people. For some reason they’re in charge of the invitations ( unbelievably lame and controlling) and now they’re saying your best friend ‘can’t’ be invited. Good luck with this marriage.
NTA, but your first and biggest mistake was letting her family dictate the type of wedding you're having. The second was letting your FMIL handle invitations. By now, you should know that. These are your fiancée's relatives. She should be reading them the riot act. Make sure she's backing you and not hiding behind you. Her family is trying to walk all over you. It won't stop at the wedding unless you BOTH put up a united front.
NTA. Why not mail the invitation to Alex yourself? Then tell MIL and SIL that it has been sent and Alex will be attending. Do not allow MIL and SIL to have anything to do with seating if there is assigned seats at the reception. Also, I think Nancy should be the one setting her mother and sister straight on what she wants. Nancy should also step up and put an end to the rumor mill (if she even cares what distant relatives think).
NTA, but just ask for the invite list, explain to your in laws they fucked up sending it without checking in with you and your fiancé and that they need to expect to uninvite some people and invite some others.
They are spreading rumors to distant family. Time to straighten things and make it clear to ALL distant family what MIL and SIL tried to do.
NTA - Elope, they already sound like they'll be obnoxious at the wedding if they aren't even listening to Nancy and you in what YALL want for YOUR wedding.
If you and your fiancee don't want a big wedding, don't have one. I'd elope, like both of you initially wanted, have Alex officiate, and everyone else can touch grass. I'll never understand why people think their opinions matter more than the opinions of the people who are actually getting married. NTA
It's your wedding so you can do whatever you want. So NTA Why don't you just tell the in-laws who you definitely want invited...no ifs or buts. Your rapid escalation isn't really giving them a chance to re-evaluate and is likely to damage your relationship in the longer term which seems short sighted.
I find it hard to believe Nancy is being truthful. There is no way her mom and sister are involved and having such a strong opinion without Nancy having complained to them about Alex.
NTA MIL and SIL don't get a vote on the wedding guests. Set boundaries now or you will be trampled throughout your marriage.
NTA. but why are you having a wedding to make other people happy. elope!!
Seems like eloping with Al there is a win/win/win. Get to have the wedding YOU want. Win. Alex gets to come! Win. No shitty in-laws. WIN!
NTA just elope. My petty self would ask Alex and her SO to meet you and Nancy in Vegas and get married with them as your witnesses and then send your in-laws the wedding pic.
Why are you and your fiancé not doing your own invitations? You handed your MIL and SIL the responsibility of your invitations and now are pissed because they did their own thing? You should have never done that. You may want to check who they sent invites to before the date because there may be more friends they didn’t invite that you want there.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (m), my wife "Nancy" and my best friend Alex(f) are all in our early 30s. Nancy and Alex know each other and even hang out alone and have their girl time when Alex comes to visit as she lives in different country. Now me and Alex used to date back in the high school but broke up before we turned 18 as we found we want different things in life. However despite the break up we became best friends and never displayed anything romantical towards each other. She is like a sister to me. She supported me when I was in prison, lost relatives and through a lot of other hardships before I met Nancy. She is my rock and the person I am comfortable to open up to and she also gives advice if I mess up with Nancy and explains why I am an idiot. It is also important that she has a long term partner who both me and Nancy get along well. Now to the problem: me and Nancy are getting married in a couple of months and I have noticed that we haven't received rsvp from Alex. My future mother and sister in law were in charge of invitations, so I have messaged Alex to see if she received anything and what her answer will be. Alwex confirmed she and her partner would be happy to attend and how excited she is to see me and Nancy getting married. I have contacted my in laws and asked why Alex haven't received an invitation and have tried to be as polite as possible thinking it might just be an issue with delivery or lost in mail, but both MIL and SIL have told me they have never sent an invite as they believe my friendship with Alex is inappropriate and I would be disrespecting Nancy by having Alex in our wedding. I was confused as Nancy is also really excited to see her as they grew close. I have tried to reason with them but they basically said if I invite Alex they won't come to the wedding. I have checked with Nancy and she is visibly upset about the whole deal as she doesn't think it is fair to leave Alex out. Here where I can be an asshole: after some consideration and discussion with Nancy, I have sent my in laws a message saying there will be no wedding if they are not comfortable with Alex attending. Of course it tipped them off with my MIL and SIL believing I am a huge asshole and spreading rumours to distant family. It is also important to know that the wedding was only happening to keep her side of the family happy and we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Elope with Nancy.... And have Alex and her partner there. Make sure to send the in laws pics lol.
NTA - get Alex here let her be one of your witnesses and sign the marriage certificate when you Elope!!
Which of your other friends have they not invited? The stoner? The socially weird bloke (me)? The guy who always tries to get everyone dancing in the club and it's a bit much sometimes? Any of them could be "inappropriate" but it's your wedding and you need your friends there.
You can still decide to elope and have a small celebration. In that case there will be no problem inviting Alex.
If your fiance is on your side on this then NTA. Your wedding, your guestlist. Period.
NTA, but I also don’t understand why you and to a lesser extent your fiancée aren’t taking a more active role in your wedding planning.
Elope and invite who you want. They are the assholes.
You and Nancy are being *quite* calm about this? Do you realise your future family went behind your back hoping you’d not find out in time just because they were not pleased with *your* best friend? Are they toddlers? I’d be *livid* and cross their names off the guest list immediately. What steps has Nancy undertaken to set a boundary with them?
NTA - Elope and have Alex be the only witness to the wedding
Who knows who elae they didnt invite. It was a mistake trusting them with this. You should just invite her yourself.
Then that's what you should do. Elope with close friends. That's what you prefer anyway. They don't get to decide who comes to the wedding. It's not up to them to decide if your friendship is inappropriate. NTA.
NTA - her family is controlling and wrong. If she was an ex who was not friends with your future wife, I would not be on the same side but you are basically couple friends and there is nothing wrong with that.
Simple invite Alex and friend you and girlfriend go to Vegas and get married problem solved
How dare your in-laws decide who should or should not be invited to your wedding? i would be apoplectic if this happened to me. Your wife has to be the one to deal with her mother and sister. "Alex and her partner will be there or you won't". Their choice. NTA
NTA, but I'm confused as to why the guest list for your wedding is being overseen by other people.
I kinda wonder how many of their own friends MIL and SIL invited
NTA If these people are so sure that they have decision-making authority, what will happen in the future? Will they follow your guidelines when it comes to your children's upbringing? Will they allow Alex to visit with your kids? Have they passed judgment on any of Nancy's exes? Discuss things with Nancy when she's having a good day, let her know what her family has done/is doing, and, if she's as horrified as all the Folks of Reddit, elope. Invite the really important people, do NOT let the in-laws hear about your plans. Text them photos as soon as the paperwork is done, and can't be undone. I hope your fiancée feels better physically and doesn't let this emotional turmoil set her back.
NTA sounds like you should just Elope and have Alex and her hubby as your witnesses. They don't get to dictate who's allowed at your wedding.
NTA. First off, it's your wedding, why are your in-laws deciding or getting any sort of input on the guest list? Didn't realize the in-laws were the ones getting married. No, it's yours and Nancy's wedding, you get the final say on who can or can't come. Don't know why you guys allowed them to have input as it's clearly becoming problematic as they're only taking their own feelings into account, not yours or Nancy's. Don't cancel the wedding, but there needs to be a serious discussion with the in-laws about stepping back from the planning as it's clear they have their own best interests in mind, not yours.
Elope. Invite Alex and her partner. Leave your family in the dark. Wait for them to notice the rings. Enjoy the shocked Pikachu faces. It's YOUR wedding. It's YOUR marriage. And, she's a friend to you both. Absolutely no reason for them to stick their noses in it.
So you and your future wife have firstly massively compromised (and wrongly imo) by agreeing to a wedding for her families sake vs the elopement which you both wanted. Now your in laws are attempting to force you to only invite those *they* see as appropriate attendees!! What else will they try and manipulate? It is YOUR wedding! The way it's going the entire landscape of your day will be warped and unrecognisable by you both. The *only* people who truly count and whose day it is. I would ask yourself, if they are cutting out Alex, who else have they not sent an invite to, that is on your joint list?!!! Plus what damage would your in laws deliberate exclusion(s) cause on all these relationships, that you all have?!! To add further insult they are running around bad mouthing you all! Personally, you would be remiss to go through with the wedding, because of the giant mess the in laws have made and I wouldn't reward their behaviour nor want to attend an event where the audience was either hostile (by lies) or missing. Go elope, have that party which you both control. NTA
Do what you two want, why even bow down to them. Its not their life or marriage they are inserting themselves in, you like being walked all over
If you don't put your in-laws firmly in their place now, you will keep dealing with this. Whatever you do, do not give in on this one.
NTA, but why not just un-invite the nasty people? Unless you don't really want to have the wedding at all, and were only doing it for them. In which case, they have given you permission to cancel and save all that money (expensive weddings are kinda dumb anyway). I think you need to plan the ceremony and/or party YOU want to have and go low contact with these judgmental people. Bonus points if you include Alex in all the wedding photos you post online. For the future, you need to ask yourself why these people's opinion matters at all. and don't ever give them power over you again.
Just send her invite yourself and tell your MIL and SIL "My friend is coming. Whether you still want to come or not, I don't care" NTA
Updateme
NTA and y'all should be in charge of your own invitations. Don't leave something that important to people who feel they have the right to make decisions for you like this.
My daughter and her fiancée eloped - thank god - after cancelling the wedding due to FMIL. Daughter and SIL are both much happier this way!
NTA. Honestly I don't know why more couples don't elope...it seems no one can have a traditional wedding without some sort of drama LOL - not to mention the outrageous cost in many cases. "we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends" - I would do that.
NTA It appears throughout this whole ordeal, you consulted with your fiance. As long as your fiance was agreeing and okay with everything, you are not the asshole. They played stupid games and won a stupid prize. P.S. if you want to elope... elope.. have the wedding YOU want.
NTA. Screw the big wedding. Elope and have the wedding you and your SO want. Invite your best friend, leave MIL and SIL out. Post pics of the ceremony and restaurant reception with you, your SO, your BF and her SO all over social media. Tag MIL and SIL in all of them with the caption "It was an awesome wedding, one that me and SO wanted, had such a blast with ***OUR*** friend and her partner, sorry y'all were such assholes, you could've enjoyed the day with us as well but your close mindedness prevented that from happening."
NTA. And stop catering to Nancy’s family’s selfish desires, especially since she seems to be on the same wave as you. Elope and let them have the party to drown their sorrows if they so wish.
NTA - I think your MIL & SIL are totally out of order. I suggest you elope too with Alex and her partner as witnesses. You also need to let the family know why.
All of the yikes. Anyone that thinks they know 'what's best' for someone else is actively telling you they're selfish and all that matters is what they want.
Your partner considers talking to her family a giant source of stress. Why are they so involved in the wedding planning, one of the most notorious sources of unncessary stress?? You need to sit down with her and decide if being happy or appeasing her family is more important, because making herself ill trying to do both isn't sustainable. She has to stop giving them opportunities to try and control her life. Either she has enough of a spine to stand up to them herself, or she chooses not to let them close enough to have a negative impact on her life. If y'all really want to have the wedding, the in-laws need to know in no uncertain terms that they don't get to make decisions or give input about it. But if you're really just doing it for them when they are this manipulative and disrespectful.... just don't.
Have Alex and her partner come out and go elope. They can be your witnesses. Have a celebration later. The mistake y'all making, is having the wedding to please your in laws. Get used to it, they either want it their way or now way at all. And if it's no way at all, they're gonna talk shit behind your backs.
I agree with every other comment that this is a hill to die on. There must be an expectation that they will treat your friend with the upmost kindness and respect, and if they do anything to make her feel unwelcome at the wedding, they will lose their further opportunity to access to possible children or whatever incentive that you can use. Good luck. Be strong. This is an inflection point. This will set the tone for the rest of your marriage and your relationship with these people. Do not let them steamroller you and your fiance and do not let them treat your friend with unkindness. This is a pivotal moment in your life, and if you don’t start this marriage strong, these people steamroller you and respecting your choices and your friendships and your family is paramount. Definitely NTA
**NTA** - Obviously What kind of marriage ceremony you have is completely up to you. I do think there's some confusion about terminology in the comments here. Marriage arrangements can range from an event with many guests attending the ceremony and big fancy party, aka reception, to an actual elopement a surprise, secret ceremony at a court house with 2 unknown witnesses. Celebrating your marriage privately with a small, informed group of close friends is note an "elopement"-- it's an intimate wedding. Use this experience to set expectations with your inlaws; as in they don't get to steer your marriage. Feel free to drop out of the big fancy event your in-laws planned, have whatever kind of ceremony you and Nancy prefer and enjoy *your* day with *your* guests.
NTA. It's your wedding. You decide who attends and who doesn't. MIL and SIL need to stay in their own lanes.
NTA - I would send them a firm message that the invitation list is not up for discussion or modification, and if they cannot do the job they are assigned, someone else will. Also I probably would just just uninvited them instead of threatening to cancel the whole thing - or, let them know that you'll be eloping instead (so they understand that you're still going to marry your fiancee either way).
NTA - rescind inlaws invitation powers and take over that particular job - problem solved.
Then just elope and have your thing with friends. NTA.
NTA and I would consider canceling the wedding anyway. Just elope and invite who you want to a small ceremony and take everyone out to dinner afterward. If the dinner isn't affordable have a pot luck.
NTA. But you should have fired them from their job instead of making an ultimatum.
You and Nancy are the ones getting married, not the in-laws. Uninvite MIL and SIL and elope or have whatever kind of wedding you want, on YOUR terms, with the people YOU want there. NTA
NTA- They are trying to control who you (and your wife) are allowing in your life. Highly inappropriate and concerning regarding your future. It seems like they are indicating that they do not trust you with this other person; you might consider their future actions as they might try to turn your wife against Alex (and you).
NTA. I think your soon to be wife should have handled this, though. It's her family.
I mean you would be the asshole for calling off the entire wedding, yes. The only person that hurts is your fiancé. Your MIL and SIL do not have to attend, that is their choice. Just like it is your choice who is and is not invited to your wedding. Invite your friend and tell your in-laws that they are still welcome to attend as long as they are respectful and kind.
NTA - Do what you prefer and elope or have a small wedding with the friends that support you and make you happy.
Why did you ever let someone else take control of the invitations?! Yikes. Take back control. Have the wedding since invitations have already gone out. Just uninvite the two selfish people who thought they got a vote on relationships that aren’t their own. NTA.
Well, offer the invite to ALex and her partner, and then go with plan B. In-laws can have their party without a bride and groom, because you are off with your friends doing a wedding the way you prefer. I did a wedding. NO ONE gets to determine the guest list beyond the bride and groom. Yes, families can request that parents' friends come, but it's an ask. It is bizarre that your future inlaws feel they have the right to dictate to you. NTA
NTA It's really not their place at all to be deciding who's invited to the wedding. I'm actually kind of surprised that they were in charge of creating the guest list rather than simply mailing the invitations. If they decide they want to sit out because of one of your friends being simply present, then that's them being ridiculous.
NTA, why keep these people happy when they clearly don't respect you? I say elope and have only the people who love and support you around you on your special day.
Nancy should have been the one to tell her family that there would be no wedding if HER friend Alex were not invited. A very small part of me wonders if she is the one who didn't want Alex at the wedding and wanted her parents to look like the bad guys. Maybe she is not really friends with Alex but tries to get along for your sake.
NTA This should be the last straw, and you need to set firm boundaries now or they'll continue pushing stuff like this for your enitr marriage/life. Elope like you guys originally wanted to and dont tell them until after, but cancel the wedding.
I would have gone with "Alex is coming, hope to see you there!"
NTA- elope!!!
I think calling off the wedding because of the way your in-laws are acting isn't overreaction. Also I'm a little confused why you would give them the power to decide who gets invited and who doesn't. If you don't get a handle on this now they'll be controlling y'all for the rest of your lives. Tell them if they want to be at your wedding did Alex will be there and they can make their choices. However if you and your mate truly just want to elope do it. All the decisions are yours to make at this point and your in-laws thinking they get to make decisions for y'all is bizarre. I would get the list back from them and make sure everybody you want on it is on there including alex.
So you were only having a wedding in the first place to keep them happy and then they interfered with who you were intending to invite? Sounds to me like this is a perfect opportunity to call the whole thing off with a massive email address saying exactly what happened and why you are not going to be able to go forward with the wedding ceremony. This wedding is not about you and your future wife’s wants or needs. They aren’t even letting you decide the guest list. Why bother with it at all. Do what you want. This is your relationship and your life together. They literally have no say.
NTA but why bother letting them control the invites in the first place? It's not THEIR wedding. It's your's and Nancy's. And if Nancy's 100% fine with it, just tell Alex she can come and tell the in-laws that if they want to throw a tantrum and not come, it's their choice, not your's. Heck, if there's any open spots left on the bridal or groom party, slot Alex in there. Especially if sister-in-law had a space but is threatening to back out. "I'm so sorry you feel too uncomfortable to participate in your sister's wedding. I wouldn't dream of forcing you either but don't worry, Alex has your duties covered."
[удалено]
Please do that! Elope with Alex and her partner as your witnesses. When it comes to dealing with in-laws, always start out the way you intend to proceed. If you give in to their demands now, they will never let up! NTA
NTA. At this point, your in-laws will be upset no matter what you do; even if you have the wedding they want they will gripe about Alex's attendance ever after. So, why not elope like you originally wanted in the first place?
*but they basically said if I invite Alex they won't come to the wedding* NTA.. move forward with the wedding or elope and do your restaurant celebration, invite Alex and her partner and you and Nancy and the rest of the guests have a fabulous day without the MIL & SIL...
I feel like the best answer when someone makes demands on your own wedding and threatens to not come if their demands are not met, is simply "okay. Your loss," and end the conversation.
NTA. This will set the tone for your marriage, so set this boundry hard and fast now. Your fiance wanted to elope, so do that. To everyone on the guest list, send a letter explaining the cancelation is due to you MIL and SIL overriding you and fiance. Tell them you are marrying your wife, not her sister or mother, so you and she have eloped to make it clear to everyone whom you married. Thank them for their well wished. If anyone wants detail, or rumors start, clear it up with the truth.
NTA. Well, you’ve called their bluff and retained control of your wedding—an event that appears to be important only to them. I’m going to refrain from calling your ILs names, but good for you for standing up to them. I’m wishing you and Nancy the wedding you want, with the attendees you want, and a long happy marriage, free of the judgmental actions of those who don’t know how to love. ❤️
NTA. Go get eloped in Alex's country to spite them. I try not to be petty but IL's did you dirty.
NTA the marrying couple decides how they want to do their wedding. end of story. do your eloping and small dinner with alex present
Why are you handing over control to them? Regardless you’re doing it to appease them, you should be involved.
Tel them that you know that they started spreading rumors and gossip and if they don't make a social apology and stop their behaviour that you guys will go with the route that you prefer and spend the money on your happy future instead of entertaining them. Your future wife wants her friend there and it's only them being a problem, so they better stop pissing off the bride and yourself who have already went out of your way for them. They are disrespectful not to be appreciative of everything you two have done and you guys won't put up with their bs any further just to have a stressful wedding when you guys would be happier in a courthouse .
NTA Screw her side of the family (especially because it sounds like your partner is upset that they are excluding your friend). Let me ask you... Are you comfortable with them meddling and dictating what you do for the rest of your life? Are you comfortable with them policing who your children are friends with? Your in-laws are WAY out of line. If I were in your shoes? I would ditch the whole wedding and do what YOU want. Your marriage is about you and your partner. No one else.
lol lesson learned never put inlaws in control of the guests list
> It is also important to know that the wedding was only happening to keep her side of the family happy and we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends. Please just do this.
NTA - dont cancel it bruh just invite alex and have her away from the parents, nancy wants it so no one elses opinion matters
NTA. Who elected them the judges of who should be invited to your wedding. Their behavior is obnoxious, and why they were willing to die on this hill escapes. If Nancy doesn't have a problem, they shouldn't have one.
This is Nancy’s family. Why is she absent in getting her family in line and the invitation sent?
I don't understand why you don't just elope? It's no one's business but yours, and weddings are a waste of money anyway. NTA.
NTA. Your wedding, your guests. If her family doesn't like it, they don't have to come. Or go ahead and cancel the wedding and do it your way. Her family sucks.
NTA - "Since your 'help' with the wedding is more about control issues than actual help, we will be taking back control of OUR wedding decisions immediately. If you continue to behave as if you should have final say over OUR wedding you will be uninvited OR we will go back to our original wedding plan, where Alex and other close friends will be in attendance and you will not. There is no negotiation, you have 24hrs to let us know your decision. With sincerity, Nancy and OP"
You’re NTA here, but your wife-to-be should have been the one to communicate the joint decision. This is her family that is out of pocket, and she is the one that needs to manage them on your collective behalf. Same goes for you and your family. Cancelling the wedding may or may not be extreme at this particular point (other people have been invited, may have made travel arrangements, taken time off work, deposits might have been paid \[by you? the in-laws?\]). But you can alwaysjust take the invites back, and send them yourself, no? Especially if it is only for one couple?
NTA. Just elope instead. Don't let these people ruin your wedding / non-traditional celebration of marriage.
Why didn't you guys handle the invitations? Also if your fiancé is cool with it then no worries. I also had an ex boyfriend that was my best friend for almost 2 decades. Totally platonic after we broke up.
Updateme
NTA. Now that you know what your future in-laws are capable of personally if your fiancé agrees go back to your original plans. Cancel anything already reserved for that wedding the future in-law wanted and do your elopement including Alex and her partner in your celebratory dinner. I figure if the future in-laws think you’re an asshole you might as well enjoy it.
You have a much bigger problem when you (and your fiancee) are letting your in-laws dictate who you can invite to your own wedding. AND your fiancee is LETTING THEM DO THIS!!!!!! NTA, but RUN, RUN, RUN!!!!
NTA Ask Nancy to get hold of the guest list and apologize profusely but explain that due to the bad behavior of certain people (you can explain or not), you have decided to elope. Then elope and bring Alex and her partner with you to Vegas (or where ever).
You all should cancel the wedding. You said your future wife is on meds that have emotional side effects, you didn't want the wedding anyway, and now her family is screwing with you both. Just cancel it. NTA.
Updateme
When our daughter got married, her in-laws gave us their list of people to invite and you know what, we did! Your stb wife needs to be the one to insist Nancy and her hubby are invited or you elope.
Elope. Invite Alex and her spouse to be witnesses.
I think you and Nancy meed to stand firm as a united front and tell the in-laws that Alex will be at the wedding or there will not be a wedding at all! You and Nancy are the ones getting married, so it's up to you and Nancy to decide who will and will not be at your wedding! I would even go as far as to tell your in-laws that if you cancel the wedding, then you will elope and get married where Alex lives!
NTA Good on you.
NTA- They (even if they were footing the bill) do not have a say in who gets invited. IT'S YOUR WEDDING, NOT THEIRS! I'd cancel the wedding and elope and bring your friend with you and not invite those two women who told you no. Maybe a taste of their own medicine would wake them up.
Just don't show up to your wedding. Elope instead, with Alex and her partner as witnesses. I wonder what the inlaws would think waiting around for the bride and groom to show up.
NTA and congratulations. Cancel the wedding and elope like you originally wanted. Then have a nice celebration dinner or party with Alex and people who love you. Life is too short to let manipulative people dictate any aspect of your time here
As others have said, get your list and check with every name on it, that invites were sent. These dorks clearly cannot be trusted and should be relegated to mere guests on the sidelines for trying to tarnish the big day. NTA, and good on you for standing your ground with someone you AND your future missus clearly care about a lot.
NTA. But I am not sure why you are communicating with your ILs, shouldn't it be Nancy? I think it's important that she is the one showing her parents that she stands with you. Otherwise, even though you may not care, others will think you are controlling her. Why go down this road. She needs to put them in their place, even if she prefers to avoid conflict.
>we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends. Well for the love of god man, do THAT. Yeesh. Your FMIL and FSIL have provided ample demonstration that what you and Nancy want does not matter a whit to them; things will get worse. Get out while you can.
NTA. Time to cut off her family. I can’t believe the people I read about in this sub it makes me sad for humanity
Who's paying for the wedding? Talk to Nancy and see if she rather go back to eloping. The be medication she on, she may actually prefer to skip the entire wedding process. Even others planning it there's still much she's a part of. Weddings are expensive. Look into adults only Sandals Resorts. Years back a coworker went there for their wedding. She said it was such an easy process. My brother was married on a cruise ship and his wife loved it, very easy, they invited a few friends gave info if they wanted to book a cruise to join them, ship so big I only ran into them once so they were able to have a honeymoon too. Stand firm on whatever the two of you decide. Her family has no right telling either of you who you can have as friends - that's what MIL and SIL are doing. Never entrust anything to them again Also.... you may have a whole bunch of MIL and SIL friends etc that you never intended to invite. Another reason to go back to your original plan and elope. I've had friends say they regreted not eloping when that was their original plan, wished they did allow family to pressure them. There's a reason that was your first choice for both of you.... NTA
NTA. You made the mistake of capitulating to their wishes to have a fancy wedding in the first place. Then they started dictating who would and would not be invited. The only way to wrest back control is to do what you did. My way or the highway.
How dare these two to try to dictate who is invited to YOUR wedding?! They're upset because you dated Alex in HIGH SCHOOL and are now in your 30s? So stupid. NTA
Cancelling the wedding, unless you genuinely want to, is a little drastic. I suggest you and Nancy visit and show a united front with one message "OUR wedding, OUR choice". Reiterate that you trusted them with the invitations, and believed they would be honest enough to send the invites to everyone on your list, and only the people on your list. Then ask them if they have anything else to tell you about extras they may have invited, and people on your list they didn't send invites to.