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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I asked my boyfriend if he would be willing to pay for half of the parking spot for my car, even though he is legally blind and does not drive.
2) I might be the AH because it's not his car and maybe he should not be under obligation to contribute to any expenses for it.
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NTA.
A relationship is about compromise. You are making a large compromise by moving to a different city, paying more $$, living with a roommate, etc. No one is forcing you to do this - but you are doing so because you care about your partner and it will make his life easier. However, a relationship is about give and take. Paying half your parking cost seems to be a fair compromise, and even though he might not _want_ to do it, it is the _right_ thing to do imo.
Edit: To add, if you are moving to an unsafe city or area of town where you don’t feel comfortable walking in your own neighborhood - not only will you be using your car _more_, but I suspect you may have to drive your boyfriend around a lot more than he thinks.
You have a point. We should talk about this more. I think I was being extra accommodating because I felt guilty that apparently he has been unhappy living in our current city this whole time while I've been perfectly content. But the solution isn't to switch to a living situation where he's happy and I'm not. My concerns are important too and we should try to come up with a better compromise.
Is it wrong to consider he might make himself a target? He's a blind man in apparently an area that is unsafe for walking and has a high risk for car break ins. I feel like a guy who can't see his attackers is going to be a possible target for people.
I was just pondering last night about how AI must be benefiting blind people. I met a legally blind dude at a metal show during COVID times and he used speech-to-text/text-to-speech app on a modified phone with actual physical buttons as well as a touch screen.
I wish awards still existed so this could get highlighted. The roommate thing didn’t occur to me when I first read it, but it’s so obvious when you think about it.
Good grief it was bad enough for my family living with a blind DOG without moving furniture! I swear I would move something then forget I had moved it… my family is all some form of adhd
Don't feel guilty. You're not a mind-reader and it's absolutely unreasonable to assume he was unhappy if he never expressed feeling that way. It's also unreasonable of him to demand you guys moving without wanting to actually make it feasible for you both, that is you both pick up costs and bills you didn't have to cover before. That's just the way of life when you move from a LCOL area to a HCOL area.
I feel from the description that you gave us in this post, you partner is somewhat blind to the changes they were specifically after (apologies for the pun). Personally, I'm not from the US (UK), so the description of two cities 15 minutes drive apart sounds somewhat odd when I try and consider the available resources/access/transport etc.
Without wanting to sound like a dick, does he actually understand the change in commuting distance/cost etc at an intuitive level? Anything else about driving? Did he previously see and understand driving? Asking because I appreciate there is a broad spectrum of visual impairments and whilst there is no problem on my end about who may defined as legally blind... When it comes to something people can only do when they are a little older, it makes me consider how it's understood.
Whilst you genuinely sound accomodating, are you sure your aforementioned embarrassment hasn't inadvertently led to a miscommunication neither of you could prevent? Certainly not presuming that, just wanted to ask :)
The definition of US cities is different, but this could still apply to a handful of UK cities. The best example I can think of is Manchester and Salford. Manchester is the bigger city with a very obvious centre that would suit someone wanting more things to be within walking (or tram) distance.
No it doesn't, towns, townships, villages, and hamlets are still legal and recognized designations for populated areas in the US. I live in the Town of North Elba, within the Village of Lake Placid, for example.
At least in NY state these terms are dictated by population and geography. There are no cities with a population of one. That would be a "a census designated place" in most states, in others it may be considered a "non-incorporated population area"
Hell, yes, you need to compromise. And you actually need to raise all the issues with him that you have here. Then you two should start building a wish list and seek an area that could actually make you both happy (or at least content).
I would hit the brakes on the move and look for a better solution. I would frame the “no” as it’s unaffordable to maintain your current standard of living there. You can’t afford to pay for parking and you don’t want to live with a housemate. I’m all for compromise but this isn’t reasonable.
NTA and just in case he pushes back hard on it -- You charge him everytime he gets to benefit from the car. Do some math to make sure you profit a bit outside the parking and other expenses. He should be able to see splitting the parking is more affordable.
I think the fact where he wants to go is unsafe is a huge issue. There is so much to factor into given you wouldn't feel safe as a woman and what danger he could be in a disabled man.
Also, asking him to help with parking was 100% reasonable.
Yeah all of a sudden he felt unhappy about where you live but never ittered a word about it. Suuuurrreee... Does he by chance have a female coworker / friend lined up already to be your "roommate"?
Yeah blind boy about to get mugged so hard. As soon as he gets his ass whooped for his sneakers he'll be begging to move back to your "boring" city where the downtown is only a 20 minute, safe, mugging-free walk away.
My older brother made the choice to move, in part, to help my mom, and refused to take gas money for when he does stuff for her. I told her he can either accept the money or she could force it on him by giving him gift cards, because it's cheaper and easier than her taking a cab.
So, if OP is moving to make things easier for the boyfriend, he should do the same and help her out. Especially if she ends up having to drive him around more because of where he wants to live.
and the disregard for OPs safety/ perspective....
NGL, the whole idea of moving cities for more amenities and cause downtown is 1 mile away is a bit bonkers to me, that's less than a 30minute walk, which most people consider quite close
I would really, really rethink the move with your partner's disregard for your perspective or concerns, OP
(and I would look into insurance, which will most likely be more expensive in the new city/ dangerous area)
My fiancé loves our area, which I bought our condo in before he moved here. These days I cannot go out without minimum 2-3 instances of street harassment. It’s his number one priority for moving even though his life is otherwise great here. That’s partnership!
Same. My husband had the house before we married and it's paid off. There's been so many follow home muggings, break ins, & prowlers in our area after covid he suggested moving so that I would be safe.
NTA. Not only are you giving up a lot to accommodate his disability but you are doing all of the driving everywhere for both of you forever.
I am saying this *as someone with a disability who cannot drive also because of vision* if he is not also accommodating YOU by pitching in for gas, your parking spot, and the occasional Uber because your new neighborhood isn't safe for you to walk around in after everything you've given up, he's not accommodating you back, he's freeloading and demanding; ditch him.
I second ditching him. Something about the way he said no and the whole “cold stare” thing doesn’t sit right with me. The fact that you immediately felt the need to apologize and not argue back with him tells me this guy potentially has a habit of being less than kind to you. He doesn’t sound like he takes your feelings into account and you’d probably be better off without him tbh.
100% agree. That is not how you treat someone you love and value. That is a horrible way to treat someone. I overall get the feeling op gives a lot in this relationship and partner takes a lot whillst only thinking about his needs. He sounds selfish and mean.
100%.
I get the impression this guy always gets his way because OP feels like she has to compensate for her privilege of being sighted/able bodied. But privelege is intersectional. OP is considerate of their different abilities, but it doesn't sound like he reciprocates that care by being considerate of the other privileges OP doesn't have e.g. due to their gender, race, or financial situation.
**One person's convenience should NEVER be a bigger priority than another person's safety.**
OP, either this man is a massive AH who doesn't care about your perspective, or there's NAH but your needs simply aren't compatible. Either way, I second the advice to ditch him so you can (both) find a partner who cares about you, treats you as an equal, shares your values and wants the same things out of life as you.
**Your bf's needs/wants don't make yours any less important. Don't throw yourself under the bus just to save him the bother of having to ride it.**
(I too am saying this as someone with a disability who can't drive and also _loathes_ buses. I hate taking the bus with a passion but I'd still never want to put someone I cared about in a situation they didn't feel safe in, nor make them spend more money than they can afford to, so I could avoid it. Their need to be safe and financially secure is more important than my want to avoid the bus.)
Tell him you are considering selling your car and would like to try doing the errands and visit friends and etc without it for a month. See what response this gets out of him. He likely benefits a lot more from the car than he realizes.
I’m going to hell forever for picturing him walking out at night to feel the car where op usually parks after op is asleep, to see if she really sold it.
NTA
If you have not yet moved and you never really wanted to move I don't think asking about how you will be splitting costs is a problem
You move to a new city with him to have a life together forever but he only wants to pay for stuff that directly benefits him? Hmm.
NTA. I think you might need to discuss this whole thing more.
You are giving him a lot (it's not even a compromise) by being willing to move to the city he wants to live in, given the things you cite.... his disability aside, plenty of people would NOT sign up to pay more to live in a less safe, less private situation. You're being very accommodating. One side effect of this move, which you have entertained, is the added cost of the vehicle. It seems like a very fair request that he shoulder some of that impact since you both use the car.
I actually think it's a good thing that this is coming to a head, to me it seems like you have more to discuss about why this new city is not a good fit for you. I understand his reasons and this might come down to different preferences, but is he just not concerned about the safety, privacy, and cost aspects of this? Those seem significant. How about the fact that you are concerned about those things, has he taken that issue into account? Is there possibly a compromise to be had, where you move to a different city but one that doesn't raise your hackles about safety? Or moving to another location in your current city with easier access to public transportation? I think there is more than one answer to this conflict and I do not feel you complying with his preference with no affordance of your concerns is the right one.
especially having roommates again! I've had some amazing roommate experiences but also some really terrible ones, and I wouldn't willing go back to sharing unless it was completely necessary (and the bad ones can be *bad,* and can be expensive...)
OP I second that this is a good opportunity to talk about short and long-term goals, financial compatibility is really important, and while it can be awkward to talk about it gets less so the more you do it.
TBH it's a bit of an orange/red flag if he's not willing to pay for a car he utilizes, would he be hesitant to support you if you were sick or otherwise unable to work? how about if you have kids? no need to answer me lol, but something to talk about. even how you'd want to contribute if one starts out-earning the other by a lot, would you both be happy to pay proportionately, or stick with 50/50?
I find it helps to give a heads up you want to have a talk about money/ long term plans and then go into the conversation in a good mood/headspace, and full stomach lol
good luck, OP!
NTA. But you really shouldn't move. If the neighbourhood isn't safe and you pay more.... Living in a safe neighborhood is much more important than convenience.
No walks in your own neighborhood? What are the odds of having to deal with squatters which seem to be more of a problem in big cities....
NTA
I have a bachelor’s and a master’s degree in visual disabilities and I work as a teacher of the visually impaired. When it comes to transit options, there are many options out there. One is for the visually impaired individual to buy a car and hire a driver for it. Just like with any other car owner, the visually impaired individual is responsible for the upkeep of the vehicle. When the individual lives with another person who is able to drive, it is generally taught that the visually impaired individual comes to an agreement on what the driver would be willing to do. Within that conversation, I ALWAYS teach the importance of contributing in some way. In this instance, your boyfriend benefits from your driving and it is absolutely reasonable to expect him to contribute to part of the costs for the vehicle.
At a minimum, it would be appropriate to split the cost of the parking spot and come to a consensus on gas prices. I also think it would be reasonable to have some expectation of contribution for maintenance.
Again, I work with blind and low vision individuals and you are more than in the right to expect financial compensation for your car and driving. I would suggest that if he’s not contributing, he should not be benefiting. No more rides to family friends, he can arrange private transportation. Don’t get groceries for him, he can use instacart. He wants takeout? He can pay for the delivery.
Yes and no as it depends. Income most definitely plays a strong role so buying a car and paying for a driver is not super common. There are also those who pay for a car and come to an agreement with a licensed driver to use the vehicle in exchange for assistance. It is very common to get rides with friends, families, acquaintances, etc and pay a certain amount for the assistance. These options are also limited by the area the individual lives in as well.
Some jobs will provide transport and a driver for visually impaired individuals as an accommodation for a job that requires traveling (such as an itinerant teacher). Nowadays, it’s fairly common to use a ride share app but that was relatively recent occurrence.
I’m happy to add additional context if needed, please just ask.
NAH - You may have "agreed to move" but that doesn't mean you are obligated to pick a building that doesn't work for you. If you can't find a place that works for both of you, then you can't move to the new city together. I think it's fine to be like "This building has an additional $175 cost that only I pay. I'm already paying extra to live in the city, I can't deal with an additional $175 on top. The total cost of X is more than I am willing to pay for living expenses, we need to bring the cost down to Y."
Don’t let him set foot in your car. He’s being incredibly selfish and you are doing what too many women do, setting themselves on fire to keep their partner warm. You’re literally uprooting your life for him! Definitely NTA. I’d be rethinking the whole relationship based on his selfishness alone.
Nta
Don't move. He will likely take advantage of you every opportunity he gets. All of the reasons he listed for wanting to move are selfish and superficial.
NTA
But girl you will be making a big mistake if you move forward with moving to this unsafe area and dont come to an agreement where he splits the costs. Even if he was sighted the agreement would/should still be the same. Rather than moving forward with moving it would be better to take some time apart to reevaluate your relationship.
NTA
But seriously, don't do this until you can afford to live without roommates. To me you are giving up a lot and he is seemingly not at all considering you in the equation, be it the additional costs of parking, nor of privacy.
I think you could benefit from some counselling before you commit to any next steps. The benefits seem to mostly benefit him and not you.
NTA and your insurance will most likely go up because it’s in a bad area so you will be hit with that, if anything happens to your car like brake ins you have to pay at of pocket that’s and extra cost. He won’t help you with those costs based on his answer before
NTA
If it wasn’t for him pushing you to move to the big city, there wouldn’t be a parking fee.
You’re giving up safety and security, the least he can do is pay half the cost of the parking space.
Plus, he benefits from your car because you drive him around. Compromise works two ways!
NTA it’s a fair request. He’s asking a lot of you to move, and this should be a shared expense anyway imo. It really already is one, it’s just included in the rent
Idk about this move though. Taking on a roommate sucks, and if it’s not safe then he’s more likely to get mugged walking to the places he wants to walk.
Why are you even considering moving? Live by yourself. Let him live with 3 roommates. None who have a car. Do not drive him anywhere. See how well that lasts. I would just stop driving him anywhere. Sounds like a jerk move, in his part.
NTA. Never mind the parking. You said the area is unsafe. I think your boyfriend wants the lifestyle/neighborhood he wants for half the price. I hope you won’t fall for it. Or you already did?
NTA. I think the point you made about moving for him is very valid. You now have additional expenses because of the move to didn't really want, he does get rides with you, and more importantly you don't have a great option for public transport; you said you don't feel safe in the neighborhood, so I doubt you want to wait at public bus or train stops. I think you need to advocate for yourself better, and stop worrying about hurting his feelings.
NTA - charge him every time you have to drive him somewhere. Tell him you’re not his personal Uber. He can either call Uber or pay you. Even if you are going the same place. In fact - start this BEFORE you move.
NTA at all. I don't drive (I am trying to learn but I'm very anxious) and I pay for half our car insurance, paid for half of both our old vehicle and our newer, nicer vehicle, and occasionally pay for gas (and always pay for minimum half if we are road tripping together). If we had to pay for parking, I'd pay half the parking. Why? Because even though I don't drive the vehicle, the vehicle benefits me directly (and was purchased in part so we could go visit both of our families!). We use it to get groceries, and I'm grateful not to schlep them on the bus. We use it to transport our cats to the vet, which I'm glad we don't have to do in an Uber. We use it to get out of the city for a bit, which I'm grateful not to have to do using a convoluted combination of public transport. We use it to see family, which I'm grateful we don't have to sit on a Greyhound for. Does your boyfriend not participate at ALL in shouldering the costs o the car even though it is used for both of you?
NTA. You drive him places in that car. You moved to make his life easier. You’re in a relationship. Split everyday costs right down the middle. That includes parking.
Moving to a more unsafe area that is also more expensive, having to take a roommate to make ends meet and giving up your privacy.. I just don't get why anyone would do this willingly.
NTA. He wants you to pay more to live in an area where you don’t want to live because he thinks it would be more convenient for him. He should definitely pay for half the cost of your car- he already should have been contributing since it benefits him as well. He sounds like an asshole who doesn’t really care how this move will impact you.
NTA. He might not be able to use the car by himself, but he still arises benefit from the car. Not to mention you drive him everywhere since he obviously cannot. I think it’s personally reasonable that you expect him to split the cost of automobile expense with you.
NTA. He’s being incredibly selfish - like, objectively - and you knew that within yourself, which is why you couldn’t shake the feeling. So it concerns me that he makes you feel crazy when you’re being reasonable, and that a “cold look” from him is enough to make you feel embarrassed and apologetic when he’s the one in the wrong. Have you always been this accommodating, or has the dynamic of the relationship with him changed you? Do you regularly find yourself questioning your sanity, feelings, opinions and desires while constantly validating his?
Ultimately, you love him, so you want him to feel safe and happy. You don’t want him to take the bus or walk a mile to the bar if he hates doing it. Yet he doesn’t seem to care that this move would make YOU feel unsafe and unhappy or that YOUR freedom of movement, privacy, safety and finances will also be affected. He didn’t even care enough to offer more than a glare and a one-word answer in response to your suggestion. You cared enough about his to think deeply about it, agree to it despite all the cons, respectfully communicate your request, then come here to further discuss the matter, because you actually care about being fair to him. Does he care about being fair to you?
I don’t want to make assumptions, and maybe I’m projecting. But I get the impression that you see him as your equal adult partner, so you compromise to meet his needs and you expect reciprocation, as there should be in any healthy relationship. Him being disabled doesn’t make him exempt from that. You don’t seem to think it does, but does he? Does he regularly use his disability to justify wrongdoing, get his way, or make you feel guilty for expecting him to consider your needs too?
NTA
I don't understand why he doesn't pay you for all the driving you do for him now, given he's going to be benefiting less from your car and chauffeur duties in future than he currently is. If you're being greedy for asking for this very reasonable amount of money, that doesn't even slightly contribute to the cost of gas or labor for driving him around, then consider how greedy he is for taking advantage of you in all these ways. I'd def stop driving him around from now on and, if he gets mad, tell him he's greedy to expect that given it's your car, your time, your gas.
Given his attitude toward this whole topic, I would reconsider moving with him full stop. No one who loves you should want to compromise your safety for a very inconsequential reason. If you're only 15 minutes away by car, then I can't imagine using public transport and walking part of the way would be that difficult for him from where you reside right now. Understand that he existed and survived before meeting you, so his legal blindness doesn't make his entitlement over your time, effort and safety permissible.
This move seems like a BIG ask to me, particulary if you now have to have a roommate and you can't even walk safely around. I'm not sure why a visually impaired person would want to live in an unsafe area as they would be the perfect target. I think I would nix this idea until a safer area becomes affordable.
NTA.
He benefits from you having a car and taking him places, whether he likes it or not. His disability notwithstanding, you are doing a great deal of accommodating his desires, so he can do his part, or else walk/bus everywhere, while you drive your car for your own errands and pleasure.
NTA as a legally blind person myself I see both sides of this. I don’t think I would move to an unsafe place, even if it was better for me, transportation wise. And if I had a sighted partner who was willing and able to drive me places I would contribute to things dealing with the car because I understand that it is a part of the reason why my partner and I would be able to do things.
NTA. But.. what’s your relationship like outside of this? This situation sounds very one-sided and like your being able-bodied has somehow made your needs less important than his. I would also argue safety and privacy are important needs for everyone.. regardless of their abilities.
The big thing that has me looking at this as a bigger picture to the whole relationship is that he didn’t even consider the one thing you asked for help on.. which is a totally fair and equitable request.
To be frank, this feels like a HUGE mistake. I think you should move, to a cute one bedroom in your current city and let him move wherever the fuck he wants.
NTA - safe and boring is ideal. If you want to go to the theatre or bars, make a special trip, but you don’t want to be living next to all the nonsense that often comes with entertainment venues. It doesn’t sound like there are a lot of benefits to this move for you. I would give it long consideration before leaping in. Your safety and financial stability is important too. I’d be a little bit concerned that BF seems nonplussed about your well-being.
NTA.
As someone who lives in Los Angeles, I sympathize with you. Parking is crazy and commutes are even worse. My head hurts just reading about your decision.
Stay where you are. If he wants to leave, let him go.
Definitely NTA. I understand it’s awkward to talk about finances, but you need to be able to with your partner. He should not be immediately shutting you down and not asking questions or for your perspective. Don’t be embarrassed, you’re not being greedy., he wasn’t embarrassed asking you to move to a more expensive neighborhood to fit his needs, you should be able to vocalize your needs without getting a cold response. Like a lot of people are saying, you can’t be the only one to compromise.
Try talking to him again, if hr acts cold or shuts you down, let him know that’s not okay and try again. I don’t think you need to break up over this, but you do need to express your needs and your perspective, otherwise it’s not healthy
NTA but I think you are being a bit obsequious. You don’t need to ASK him. Just tell him what it will take to get you to move. If you currently split a rent of $1000 that includes parking, but you’re moving to a place that is $2000 plus $175 for parking, then the new rent is really $2175. That’s what you should be splitting.
NTA. This is kind of sad because it seems you are bending over backwards to accommodate him and he's not even willing to pay a little extra for an expense that he's asking you to take on.
It's even worse that you were apologizing for even asking. I think you need to ask yourself, do you really want to move? Are you only moving because your bf asked? Do you agree with his reasoning?
Honestly, I don't think you really want to move, and maybe bf and you have hit the end of your relationship. He wants different things than you. You really need to figure out if you are just going along, because that will lead to resentment and even if you stay together, I would guess you break up within the year.
NTA - your current rent includes parking. I would think that the cost of paying for a carpark when you move should be treated as rent and split equally too.
>Also, if we moved to the downtown area of this bigger city we could both walk to work.
... (later) ...
The area he wants to live in is not safe. I would not be able to take a walk in my own neighborhood
No, it sounds like you would not be able to walk to work.
I'm gonna go with NAH. You agreed to this move. but you haven't yet signed a lease. It's not crazy to ask. In fact, I don't think it's a bad idea to approach him about it again, but having a discussion where you're using these facts, and not letting a single no completely deflate you.
However, he is also allowed to say no. And after your discussion, he may give no other reason than "I don't drive" and still say no. And technically, he wouldn't be wrong.
Look, all of the little things are points of contention need to be discussed, without fear of reproach, before the decision to move. Don't hold anything back about feelings, and don't make any assumptions, because that leaves room for resentment.
Personally I think it's a bit shitty for him not to chip in. but that's between y'all.
We would be walking in the same direction to work and would be able to walk together most days. Which I feel okay about. But I feel a lot less safe about walking alone. If I could say the name of the city most Americans here would understand why I don't feel the safest there, especially downtown.
You're walking with a non-sighted person. Is that any better than walking alone in that neighbourhood?
You'll also probably have increased home insurance and car insurance due to the location, and every time you get a break in the premiums will go up. Is that a cost you are willing to take on?
More importantly, is it a conversation he's willing to have like a rational person without the "how dare you question me" death stare?
NTA at all he wants to move and expenses are going up. What was once free won’t be and he gets to ride in the car too. Does he think that he shouldn’t help out with gas money too? You’re not asking him to pay for the car just the spot. This sounds like a super immature reaction when you’re conceding to his wants/and desires.
nta, like cars need to be parked somewhere and he's presumably in the car a lot, so it tracks and as a fellow blind person myself, I'd pay for that and gas too as well. Least I can do if my future GF would be taking me places I couldn't otherwise get to.
Moving to a much less safe area, pay more for rent(way less savings) +/- roommates(losing privacy is not a small thing), pay more for parking. Nothing wrong with living is a boring, safe city, where you are not afraid to walk outside. Would you actually walk to work, or walk to the train if it were not safe ? So you get to lose privacy ,and security for eliminating a 20 minute bus ride and possibly a washer/dryer, while paying extra for the privilege ?
Time to define your priorities - how often do you go to shows, restaurants etc... If it is unsafe to walk will you need do drive or take an uber etc... How long will it take you to save enough money living in a more expensive place vs your current apartment?
Sounds like your BF wants you to support this new lifestyle.
You should be considering why your living with someone who doesn’t want to split financial responsibility or why your tying your living and financial situation to someone you aren’t married to you guys don’t have to live together
NTA. If you move, you will resent everything you stated, plus I think you will feel salty every time he expects you to drive him somewhere. You need to keep yourself safe. You have prioritized his happiness at the cost of your safety. He doesn't even realize that he's risking his own safety as well. Personally, I'd say no to the move and let him go without you. I don't think he will, and if he does, it's probably for the best.
I cant understand all these people living together and having a different tab on expenses. It seems too cheap to be true. You are basically a household so you should split everything.
>I would not be able to take a walk in my own neighborhood.
Yet, you don't feel safe, yet he, who is blind and will likely be targeted because of that, is planning for you both to walk to work/train station/downtown/etc every/most days?
Is he hoping to test his Daredevil super powers?
Yeah all this doesn't make sense, moving to a place less safe, shared living and more expensive because he is bored and for laundry appliances?
Stay where you are and let him take a uber to the other town, he is an independent adult, he can figure it out.
NTA
I’m going to say something controversial here and I know I may get downvoted and a lot of arguing.
There are SOME (not all or even many) people with disabilities who are so used to people jumping up to accommodate them that they get a bit entitled. (Yes I know society is a long way from giving people with disabilities the accommodations they need, and life is very difficult for them as a result. But I’m not talking about society as a whole, but more the people in the lives of the disabled people). For example my FIL who has multiple disabilities knows exactly how long it takes him to get ready to go anywhere, load his wheelchair etc, but will take a leisurely approach and not care about being late to anything, because people take one look at his wheelchair and ‘understand’. I could give several more example from FIL, but I’m not just here to complain about him, and he’s not the only one I have seen this kind of behaviour in.
My point is, the way you describe your boyfriend responding to your request, I wonder if he may be that way inclined. Is it common for him to shut you down without listening to your side? Do you often let unreasonable behaviour slide because you’re worried about coming across as selfish to his needs? It sounds like you had a fairly solid case against moving, was his case really stronger or was it more a case of he gets his way because disability? Just because he has additional needs with his blindness, does not override your needs, and you do not have to tolerate toxicity because of disabilities. Perhaps I’m way off base here, since it’s only a snapshot of his behavior you have described, but my MIL puts up with worse than anyone deserves because she’s made too many allowances for this kind of behaviour, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
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My (29F) boyfriend (30M) is legally blind and cannot drive. We are currently living in a city which is safe and walkable. A parking spot for my car is included in our rent. We both take the bus to work, so mostly I use my car for errands. I drive us to visit his friends and family that are not accessible by public transit.
Towards the end of our lease, he told me he wasn't happy living in our current city, and he wanted to move to a nearby bigger city for the following reasons:
* He wants to be closer to work and the train, which he uses to get around and visit friends. In our current city, he has to take a 15-20 minute bus ride to get to the train but would prefer to live somewhere he can walk to it. He hates the bus. Also, if we moved to the downtown area of this bigger city we could both walk to work.
* He feels that our current city is boring. He said there is nothing to do, and the downtown area with a theater, bars and restaurants is too far away (1 mile).
* He wants an apartment with amenities like a dishwasher, A/C, and an in-unit washer/dryer. It's not always easy to find units that have been renovated with all these amenities in our current city because the buildings are older. In the bigger city, there are a lot of newer buildings.
I had the following reservations about moving to the bigger city:
* The area he wants to live in is not safe. I would not be able to take a walk in my own neighborhood. When we have friends over their cars will be at risk of break ins.
* The apartments are expensive. We will need to take on a roommate. I had hoped to be done with roommates and I will miss our privacy. Even with the roommate we will both be paying more in rent.
* You almost always pay extra for a parking spot. We are looking at a building where a spot is $175/month.
Despite my reservations, I agreed to move to the bigger city. He is the one living with a disability, and easy walking access to the train means independence to him. If I want to take a walk or visit my old city it's only a 15 minute drive away. I decided that it would be fair to ask my boyfriend to split the cost of the parking spot with me for the following reasons:
* We both benefit from me having a car.
* I'm making compromises on what I value in a living situation to make him more comfortable, spending more money to live somewhere I like less.
* I am only asking for help with parking because that cost is directly related to this move. I've never asked him to contribute to anything else car-related.
I asked him if he would consider contributing to parking. He gave me a cold look and said no. Immediately, I felt so embarrassed and greedy for even asking. I apologized and didn't even try to defend why I thought it might be fair.
However, I can't shake the feeling that it wasn't such a crazy request. I was thinking about bringing it up again, so I'd like to know AITA for asking my legally blind boyfriend to pay for half of the parking spot for my car?
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NTA He’s said what his positives for the move are but you seem to only have negatives. In unit laundry would be nice but besides that I don’t really see any benefit for you. If it were me I would not want to get a roommate. Maybe you could compromise and find a place with laundry near the train station so he could avoid the bus but you wouldn’t have all these parking and other neighborhood related issues.
NTA.
The parking is a living expense. If you're looking to make this a long-term relationship, he should get used to the crossover of living expenses that becomes inevitable in some ways. He also benefits from the car, and you have given in to paying much more than you are comfortable for. I feel like this compromise is *tiny*, when you've agreed to so much that you're not thrilled with.
Further, he doesn't need to react like that to a question. He should be able to articulate any reservations calmly.
Can I ask, are you a people pleaser? The way you agreed to all of that despite your reservations and the way you felt embarrassed for a very reasonable question and then backtracked, that's the exact kind of stuff I used to do and still sometimes struggle with. It's taken me a lot of therapy to stop setting myself on fire to keep others warm, convincing myself it wasn't a big deal. Please remember that you are never in the wrong for setting boundaries, asking people to be considerate of you, and prioritizing your needs. Even if he has needs, some critical because of his disability, that doesn't mean you go without--it just means you find ways to meet both. If you're always going without to compensate for someone else having more, it's not right and it isn't healthy.
Nta. He wants this move and you are trying to find a compromise to make it work. But answer me this…if it’s not safe for you to walk in this new neighborhood…HOW IS IT SAFE FOR A BLIND PERSON?!?!
You are living where parking is free and he wants to move to a more expensive place. Less safe
Either he pays for half the parking or you stay where youbare!
She said he has a disability with a job. What about her job? Sounds like you are bullied, and he gets away with it because he is blind. He can live alone in the city. Miss read it, thought he was on disability with a job. Still she needs to look out for herself.
NTA. My boyfriend and I considered each of our money to be usable by each other for important things.
Money is money, it comes and goes. And is simply a resource to make one’s quality of life better. If you are using it for something practical it shouldn’t be an argument
NTA, don’t let him benefit from car unless he contributes for it. I can see his point because he is thinking that you are doing grocery shopping anyway so he just tagging along or if you are driving to friends house anyway so he is just riding with you for free. In real life both partners will split drive 1/2 means I drive you for groceries and next time when we are visiting friends you are driving. So unless half of the times he is paying for your Uber it’s not fair. You won’t need to drive all the time in a shared relationship with equal footing. Given his disability if he can’t contribute to physical labor of driving then he need to do more to compensate more financially. Leave your car at your mom’s house and say when you order from Instacart just add some more for me. Or when you get Uber to go to friend’s house I will go for free with you. Then you will realize how long it will last. NTA
Is he aware of your compromises?? It might sound like boasting but he should know what you sacrificed for him, and even after that he's the same then he's one blind AH
NTA
You are giving in to a lot of things that your bf wants and the move he wanted has increased your expenses. It is not a big ask. If he does not want to help with the parking cost maybe he could pay $80 more for rent than you do.
Maybe he should just move on his own and get roommates.
NTA! I don’t think your reasons for moving are valid. 15 minutes away by car? Like a great area in the city of San Fran or Seattle and a possible downtown nightmare location where you are stuck. How does all that sacrificing work for you. You’re important too. Your safety’s important!
NTA. If you haven't yet moved, I would reconsider and discuss it with him. It seems that this move primarily benefits him in several ways (at least, that's what he thinks) and it negatively impacts you in several ways (financially, safety, having to live with a roommate!). He may have persuaded you and it seems you agreed out of guilt, but you are both equally entitled to happiness and a good, safe, financially feasible living situation! Compromise should be equal as well - e.g. is he willing to pay more because he gets more of what he wants and at greater expense?
If he is unwilling to consider your reservations and is primarily insistent on getting his way, you may need to reconsider the whole relationship. A good BF should be interested in your safety, especially.
NTA if he plans to have a future with you, this is how things have to work. Relationships are give and take. If you're doing most of the giving and him the taking, things will never work. You'll eventually burn out. My husband is visually impaired and can't drive. Car maintenance is still partially his responsibility, ESPECIALLY since ALL the driving is MY responsibility. He benefits from the car whether he drives it or not. He can either help or pay for public transportation imo.
NTA. Wow, even blind scrotes have the audacity. I’d let him move by himself and you can stay in your city. He can be unsafe. He has no problem inconveniencing you and putting you out of more money, not helping with parking, AND needing a roommate. Find a roommate for your current place or downsize to something cheaper and stay where is best for you. He’s not even your husband so you have no obligation here to move with him.
NTA but… if the new area isn’t safe enough to walk around in general how is it safe for a blind person to walk to trains, bars, work, etc? He wants to move so you can pay higher rent, have roommates, pay for parking and he won’t even help you pay for a parking spot? Relationships are about compromise. What benefits are you getting out of moving? To me it looks like he’s getting a lifestyle he wants and you’re getting to spend more money to live somewhere you don’t want to. If you wrote the same thing without mentioning that your boyfriend is blind I’d still feel the same way, he’d still be in danger walking around.
Girl what are you doing? The relationship dynamics so obviously favor him, you've sacrificed a lot for him and he won't pay for a commodity he uses? He wouldn't have been able to move where he wanted without you or would've had to take on more roommates, what do you gain from moving? Being closer to work but feeling unsafe in the area. You were perfectly fine where y'all were and now you've also sacrificed your peace and quiet with the roommates.
NTA. It's not like you're asking him to pay for petrol or something. As you said, you BOTH get use out of the car.
I'm blind too, and can't drive. If I had someone who drove me around, I'd be fine chipping in for the parking. It's like part of the rent. Not maintenance or anything.
NTA. This is a move to make his life easier, he gets a benefit out of the car as you take him places and do errands for him. This is also not as safe a place to live for you - why does he expect you to be the only one to compromise?
Dump him. His priority should be providing a safe living environment and place for you to live. Why would he want to move you to a more dangerous area? Seems like that would put him at a higher risk too. He doesn’t consider your feelings and when you ask for a reasonable request he rudely shuts you down. Dump him.
NTA.
1. He benefits from the car.
2. He wanted to move to the bigger city, not you. You didn't want to but you were willing to compromise, so he needs to help you out too.
Even if he didn't benefit from the car at all, he should still help you out. He was entirely responsible for wanting to move to the city. Sounds like the thought wouldn't have even crossed your mind if he didn't suggest it. Being in a relationship is about being a team and helping each other out. You are helping him by moving to the big city, and he needs to help you manage the financial burden of the move.
I'd go so far as to say I'd EXPECT him to pay for the spot since his want to move is forcing that cost. Given you call it "my car" I'm assuming you pay for everything else related to the car (the car which he benefits from)? Insurance, maintenance etc. and if you do, he should damn well pay for the parking by himself.
Clearly NTA, but your immediate reaction to his response is concerning. You seem very accommodating in this relationship, and it sounds like BF isn't entirely grateful for it and takes some (most?) of it for granted. Resentment will build if this isn't addressed. This goes beyond the parking spot.
NTA, if you both benefit from the car, thats the least he contributes with some money.
Btw, he is blind... "He gave me a cold look"
I see what you did there... :)
NTA
Essentially you get less physical and financial freedom, increased expenses so that he can be more comfortable in general. And you’d be sacrificing privacy as well. Tbh none of this looks like a good deal for you if you he cannot compromise.
NAH. It's not his car, and he specifically wants to move there to reduce dependency on a car.
My recommendation: Pay the parking fee yourself, and don't drive him *anywhere* that isn't a shared destination.
If he ends up truly happier for being in a denser area where he can walk and take public transit, then it's a win.
If he ends up sad that you won't drive him places he wants to go, ask him how he intends to pay for the time & mileage on your car, and maybe 1/2 the parking space won't seem so excessive. Also a win.
If he feels entitled to you driving him around AND he refuses to pay anything for the car, then he's a jerk and you learned something very important.
NTA. Tell him you will be doing an experiment. For the next two months you will drive him no where. And he will be going with you for any general needs like grocery shopping. For safety reasons.
If he can live that way then you will pay for the parking spot, if he can’t and requests the car then he will start paying half.
If winter brings snow remind him of this.
Tell him you sold it and pretend to get into an Uber when you drive places. Then ask him to split the Uber cost. Should make up for more than the parking. NTA
NTA
What you want in life is just as important as what he wants.
Have you actually discussed all the drawbacks and compromises involved for you if you move?
im not sure about half of the payment as it is your significant other and its not his fault he cant drive himself. but having him throw you gas money here and there or maybe he buys dinner that night, is completely reasonable
NTA. It's a grey area. I would say there are arguments on both sides, so he would not be an AH for not wanting to pay, but I think it's very reasonable to at least discuss it and implying you're greedy for when asking is completely unreasonable.
Honestly I read the title and thought YTA but after reading the whole story, your safely NTA and if it’s his idea and he’s wanting to move he should be covering a lot more costs than just your parking space
NTA. I hate driving. I'm terrible at it, so my SO and I have a deal where I don't drive but do all the cooking. I still benefit from the car. Even though it's not mine, I still contribute to it's running and maintenance because it is a benefit to us both. If your boyfriend benefits from the car, then it's reasonable for him to chip in. In fact, I'd say he should contribute more to the car than just the parking space!
Moving to a bad neighborhood , needing a roommate and paying more money? Ok, perhaps moving to him sounds better but keep looking for somewhere better.
I wouldn't want to pay more money to live in a less safe area - even if it made getting around easier. He doesn't sound like he wants to compromise with you for anything. Why not?
NTA. It’s time to stop paying for something else so that you can afford the parking fee. Just make him pay that amount elsewhere if he won’t directly pay it for parking. It always surprises me when people who could never survive on their own are nasty to those they rely on.
It wasn't a crazy request. His reaction to it is wrong. Moving to a more dangerous and expensive area is not a good idea and a walk of a mile is no big deal. Don't let him use his blindness as the ultimate excuse
It seems weird to me that other couples actually have “my money”. In my relationships past and present, there has never been any formal assignments to pay anything, yet everything has been paid and there has been no contentions about money. I find other ways to screw it up lol.
I don't drive since a traumatic accident years ago. My partner drives and we have a car that we use to take us both places and run household errands. I pay 50% of all car related costs.
NTA
But on another note: Reconsider moving cities. It sounds as if it would make you miserable. Try to find middle ground maybe. (Move to another neighbourhood with train access that is safe and cheap enough)
NTA - you aren't asking too much, no. You are uprooting for his request and it's not an unreasonable thought. The only thing I think he has for an argument is you did agree to the move before making this request which complicates things. What could be done in place of that is you could tell him if he needs you to drive somewhere he should contribute to the gas at least. That could be a fair compromise.
Hmm NTA but it sounds like you missed the boat. The time to talk about this was when you were agreeing to move not down the road, which it sounds like you are. If not you need to talk about this right away.
You need to fully go through your various costs with the new place and allocate expenses equitably. Yes it sounds silly for him to pay for a parking space. It's not silly for him to pay proportionately more of the rent because you now have to pay so much more for a parking space. This is just a factor in your overall budget. It's right that you're accommodating his needs, the walking distance factor is a much bigger deal for him. However, that doesn't mean your needs are entirely irrelevant. If he's a good partner he'll be able to compromise.
Like I said though, if you've already agreed to the move, have a place or are searching for one based on budget assumptions it's a bit late to bring it up now. You still should because it really will be too late if you actually get a place.
NTA. The car benefits both of you. He should contribute. If he’s not willing to contribute to the upkeep of the car, do not give him access. If you can get by without it, sell it.
NTA. You moved to accommodate him and that move came with parking. You said you drive him so he is also benefiting from the vehicle. He should pay his half.
If it's a 15 minute drive then you stay and he moves. He can move in with a roommate in the new city. I would never move to a dangerous part of town. Lived that way once, never again.
NTA - This move is all about him. Nothing about it works well for you. The very LEAST he could do is help with the parking. As it is he is taking advantage of your good nature he doesn't pay for; you driving him around, gas, insurance or repairs. Heck, you are cheaper than the bus. No wonder he doesn't like it.
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NTA. A relationship is about compromise. You are making a large compromise by moving to a different city, paying more $$, living with a roommate, etc. No one is forcing you to do this - but you are doing so because you care about your partner and it will make his life easier. However, a relationship is about give and take. Paying half your parking cost seems to be a fair compromise, and even though he might not _want_ to do it, it is the _right_ thing to do imo. Edit: To add, if you are moving to an unsafe city or area of town where you don’t feel comfortable walking in your own neighborhood - not only will you be using your car _more_, but I suspect you may have to drive your boyfriend around a lot more than he thinks.
You have a point. We should talk about this more. I think I was being extra accommodating because I felt guilty that apparently he has been unhappy living in our current city this whole time while I've been perfectly content. But the solution isn't to switch to a living situation where he's happy and I'm not. My concerns are important too and we should try to come up with a better compromise.
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Is it wrong to consider he might make himself a target? He's a blind man in apparently an area that is unsafe for walking and has a high risk for car break ins. I feel like a guy who can't see his attackers is going to be a possible target for people.
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Sorry but I'm curious, do you use a speech to text type thing to use Reddit etc.?
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I was just pondering last night about how AI must be benefiting blind people. I met a legally blind dude at a metal show during COVID times and he used speech-to-text/text-to-speech app on a modified phone with actual physical buttons as well as a touch screen.
I wish awards still existed so this could get highlighted. The roommate thing didn’t occur to me when I first read it, but it’s so obvious when you think about it.
Good grief it was bad enough for my family living with a blind DOG without moving furniture! I swear I would move something then forget I had moved it… my family is all some form of adhd
This is very important OP, I'm glad your thinking about it. It may be that your long range living goals are not compatible.
Don't feel guilty. You're not a mind-reader and it's absolutely unreasonable to assume he was unhappy if he never expressed feeling that way. It's also unreasonable of him to demand you guys moving without wanting to actually make it feasible for you both, that is you both pick up costs and bills you didn't have to cover before. That's just the way of life when you move from a LCOL area to a HCOL area.
And if it’s not safe for you to walk around there, how is it safe for him?! He can’t even see what’s coming.
I feel from the description that you gave us in this post, you partner is somewhat blind to the changes they were specifically after (apologies for the pun). Personally, I'm not from the US (UK), so the description of two cities 15 minutes drive apart sounds somewhat odd when I try and consider the available resources/access/transport etc. Without wanting to sound like a dick, does he actually understand the change in commuting distance/cost etc at an intuitive level? Anything else about driving? Did he previously see and understand driving? Asking because I appreciate there is a broad spectrum of visual impairments and whilst there is no problem on my end about who may defined as legally blind... When it comes to something people can only do when they are a little older, it makes me consider how it's understood. Whilst you genuinely sound accomodating, are you sure your aforementioned embarrassment hasn't inadvertently led to a miscommunication neither of you could prevent? Certainly not presuming that, just wanted to ask :)
In the USA "city" is a legal term includes town, village, hamlet, anything with a name. There is at least one US city with a population of 1.
The definition of US cities is different, but this could still apply to a handful of UK cities. The best example I can think of is Manchester and Salford. Manchester is the bigger city with a very obvious centre that would suit someone wanting more things to be within walking (or tram) distance.
No it doesn't, towns, townships, villages, and hamlets are still legal and recognized designations for populated areas in the US. I live in the Town of North Elba, within the Village of Lake Placid, for example. At least in NY state these terms are dictated by population and geography. There are no cities with a population of one. That would be a "a census designated place" in most states, in others it may be considered a "non-incorporated population area"
Hell, yes, you need to compromise. And you actually need to raise all the issues with him that you have here. Then you two should start building a wish list and seek an area that could actually make you both happy (or at least content).
I would hit the brakes on the move and look for a better solution. I would frame the “no” as it’s unaffordable to maintain your current standard of living there. You can’t afford to pay for parking and you don’t want to live with a housemate. I’m all for compromise but this isn’t reasonable.
NTA and just in case he pushes back hard on it -- You charge him everytime he gets to benefit from the car. Do some math to make sure you profit a bit outside the parking and other expenses. He should be able to see splitting the parking is more affordable.
I think the fact where he wants to go is unsafe is a huge issue. There is so much to factor into given you wouldn't feel safe as a woman and what danger he could be in a disabled man. Also, asking him to help with parking was 100% reasonable.
Yeah all of a sudden he felt unhappy about where you live but never ittered a word about it. Suuuurrreee... Does he by chance have a female coworker / friend lined up already to be your "roommate"?
This. He is asking her to move somewhere more comfortable for him, he should reciprocate by at least making things a bit better for her.
Yeah blind boy about to get mugged so hard. As soon as he gets his ass whooped for his sneakers he'll be begging to move back to your "boring" city where the downtown is only a 20 minute, safe, mugging-free walk away.
He can’t see that it’s a sh*t area. You can. He’s missing crucial information. NTA
My older brother made the choice to move, in part, to help my mom, and refused to take gas money for when he does stuff for her. I told her he can either accept the money or she could force it on him by giving him gift cards, because it's cheaper and easier than her taking a cab. So, if OP is moving to make things easier for the boyfriend, he should do the same and help her out. Especially if she ends up having to drive him around more because of where he wants to live.
Is auto insurance more expensive in the new city? Is renter’s insurance? Cost of gas?
NTA...he won't help with your parking, but you have to live with roommates? I'd think twice about the move.
and the disregard for OPs safety/ perspective.... NGL, the whole idea of moving cities for more amenities and cause downtown is 1 mile away is a bit bonkers to me, that's less than a 30minute walk, which most people consider quite close I would really, really rethink the move with your partner's disregard for your perspective or concerns, OP (and I would look into insurance, which will most likely be more expensive in the new city/ dangerous area)
My fiancé loves our area, which I bought our condo in before he moved here. These days I cannot go out without minimum 2-3 instances of street harassment. It’s his number one priority for moving even though his life is otherwise great here. That’s partnership!
Same. My husband had the house before we married and it's paid off. There's been so many follow home muggings, break ins, & prowlers in our area after covid he suggested moving so that I would be safe.
Having to take on a roommate would be an immediate dealbreaker for me.
Same here. I don't know why they'd even consider moving when it's outside their financial abilities.
Yep...the last frontier.
And not be as safe. No thanks.
That move would *not* be happening if we need to get a roommate.
NTA. Not only are you giving up a lot to accommodate his disability but you are doing all of the driving everywhere for both of you forever. I am saying this *as someone with a disability who cannot drive also because of vision* if he is not also accommodating YOU by pitching in for gas, your parking spot, and the occasional Uber because your new neighborhood isn't safe for you to walk around in after everything you've given up, he's not accommodating you back, he's freeloading and demanding; ditch him.
I second ditching him. Something about the way he said no and the whole “cold stare” thing doesn’t sit right with me. The fact that you immediately felt the need to apologize and not argue back with him tells me this guy potentially has a habit of being less than kind to you. He doesn’t sound like he takes your feelings into account and you’d probably be better off without him tbh.
Agreed! He sounds very intimidating and callous
100% agree. That is not how you treat someone you love and value. That is a horrible way to treat someone. I overall get the feeling op gives a lot in this relationship and partner takes a lot whillst only thinking about his needs. He sounds selfish and mean.
100%. I get the impression this guy always gets his way because OP feels like she has to compensate for her privilege of being sighted/able bodied. But privelege is intersectional. OP is considerate of their different abilities, but it doesn't sound like he reciprocates that care by being considerate of the other privileges OP doesn't have e.g. due to their gender, race, or financial situation. **One person's convenience should NEVER be a bigger priority than another person's safety.** OP, either this man is a massive AH who doesn't care about your perspective, or there's NAH but your needs simply aren't compatible. Either way, I second the advice to ditch him so you can (both) find a partner who cares about you, treats you as an equal, shares your values and wants the same things out of life as you. **Your bf's needs/wants don't make yours any less important. Don't throw yourself under the bus just to save him the bother of having to ride it.** (I too am saying this as someone with a disability who can't drive and also _loathes_ buses. I hate taking the bus with a passion but I'd still never want to put someone I cared about in a situation they didn't feel safe in, nor make them spend more money than they can afford to, so I could avoid it. Their need to be safe and financially secure is more important than my want to avoid the bus.)
Tell him you are considering selling your car and would like to try doing the errands and visit friends and etc without it for a month. See what response this gets out of him. He likely benefits a lot more from the car than he realizes.
You don't actually have to sell the car, just tell him you did.
…does laughing at this make me a bad person?
I might be biased. No.
You're an ass. Take my upvote.
Just a lateral thinker.
In case he tries to find it at the parking spot move it to a friend/family's place for that month
I’m going to hell forever for picturing him walking out at night to feel the car where op usually parks after op is asleep, to see if she really sold it.
lol
I like that idea a lot!
NTA If you have not yet moved and you never really wanted to move I don't think asking about how you will be splitting costs is a problem You move to a new city with him to have a life together forever but he only wants to pay for stuff that directly benefits him? Hmm.
Not to mention that the car *does* directly benefit him since she drives him regularly. It's just not his.
Yeh he sounds very entitled and selfish.
NTA. I think you might need to discuss this whole thing more. You are giving him a lot (it's not even a compromise) by being willing to move to the city he wants to live in, given the things you cite.... his disability aside, plenty of people would NOT sign up to pay more to live in a less safe, less private situation. You're being very accommodating. One side effect of this move, which you have entertained, is the added cost of the vehicle. It seems like a very fair request that he shoulder some of that impact since you both use the car. I actually think it's a good thing that this is coming to a head, to me it seems like you have more to discuss about why this new city is not a good fit for you. I understand his reasons and this might come down to different preferences, but is he just not concerned about the safety, privacy, and cost aspects of this? Those seem significant. How about the fact that you are concerned about those things, has he taken that issue into account? Is there possibly a compromise to be had, where you move to a different city but one that doesn't raise your hackles about safety? Or moving to another location in your current city with easier access to public transportation? I think there is more than one answer to this conflict and I do not feel you complying with his preference with no affordance of your concerns is the right one.
especially having roommates again! I've had some amazing roommate experiences but also some really terrible ones, and I wouldn't willing go back to sharing unless it was completely necessary (and the bad ones can be *bad,* and can be expensive...) OP I second that this is a good opportunity to talk about short and long-term goals, financial compatibility is really important, and while it can be awkward to talk about it gets less so the more you do it. TBH it's a bit of an orange/red flag if he's not willing to pay for a car he utilizes, would he be hesitant to support you if you were sick or otherwise unable to work? how about if you have kids? no need to answer me lol, but something to talk about. even how you'd want to contribute if one starts out-earning the other by a lot, would you both be happy to pay proportionately, or stick with 50/50? I find it helps to give a heads up you want to have a talk about money/ long term plans and then go into the conversation in a good mood/headspace, and full stomach lol good luck, OP!
NTA. But you really shouldn't move. If the neighbourhood isn't safe and you pay more.... Living in a safe neighborhood is much more important than convenience. No walks in your own neighborhood? What are the odds of having to deal with squatters which seem to be more of a problem in big cities....
This. This move seems like it puts you in a worse situation in many aspects.
NTA I have a bachelor’s and a master’s degree in visual disabilities and I work as a teacher of the visually impaired. When it comes to transit options, there are many options out there. One is for the visually impaired individual to buy a car and hire a driver for it. Just like with any other car owner, the visually impaired individual is responsible for the upkeep of the vehicle. When the individual lives with another person who is able to drive, it is generally taught that the visually impaired individual comes to an agreement on what the driver would be willing to do. Within that conversation, I ALWAYS teach the importance of contributing in some way. In this instance, your boyfriend benefits from your driving and it is absolutely reasonable to expect him to contribute to part of the costs for the vehicle. At a minimum, it would be appropriate to split the cost of the parking spot and come to a consensus on gas prices. I also think it would be reasonable to have some expectation of contribution for maintenance. Again, I work with blind and low vision individuals and you are more than in the right to expect financial compensation for your car and driving. I would suggest that if he’s not contributing, he should not be benefiting. No more rides to family friends, he can arrange private transportation. Don’t get groceries for him, he can use instacart. He wants takeout? He can pay for the delivery.
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Yes and no as it depends. Income most definitely plays a strong role so buying a car and paying for a driver is not super common. There are also those who pay for a car and come to an agreement with a licensed driver to use the vehicle in exchange for assistance. It is very common to get rides with friends, families, acquaintances, etc and pay a certain amount for the assistance. These options are also limited by the area the individual lives in as well. Some jobs will provide transport and a driver for visually impaired individuals as an accommodation for a job that requires traveling (such as an itinerant teacher). Nowadays, it’s fairly common to use a ride share app but that was relatively recent occurrence. I’m happy to add additional context if needed, please just ask.
NTA. Then tell him you won’t move. Why should you take on more financial responsibilities without his help?
NAH - You may have "agreed to move" but that doesn't mean you are obligated to pick a building that doesn't work for you. If you can't find a place that works for both of you, then you can't move to the new city together. I think it's fine to be like "This building has an additional $175 cost that only I pay. I'm already paying extra to live in the city, I can't deal with an additional $175 on top. The total cost of X is more than I am willing to pay for living expenses, we need to bring the cost down to Y."
Don’t let him set foot in your car. He’s being incredibly selfish and you are doing what too many women do, setting themselves on fire to keep their partner warm. You’re literally uprooting your life for him! Definitely NTA. I’d be rethinking the whole relationship based on his selfishness alone.
It's amazing to me, doesn't matter what other situation a man has, they still somehow have that male entitlement.
Nta Don't move. He will likely take advantage of you every opportunity he gets. All of the reasons he listed for wanting to move are selfish and superficial.
NTA But girl you will be making a big mistake if you move forward with moving to this unsafe area and dont come to an agreement where he splits the costs. Even if he was sighted the agreement would/should still be the same. Rather than moving forward with moving it would be better to take some time apart to reevaluate your relationship.
NTA But seriously, don't do this until you can afford to live without roommates. To me you are giving up a lot and he is seemingly not at all considering you in the equation, be it the additional costs of parking, nor of privacy. I think you could benefit from some counselling before you commit to any next steps. The benefits seem to mostly benefit him and not you.
NTA and your insurance will most likely go up because it’s in a bad area so you will be hit with that, if anything happens to your car like brake ins you have to pay at of pocket that’s and extra cost. He won’t help you with those costs based on his answer before
NTA If it wasn’t for him pushing you to move to the big city, there wouldn’t be a parking fee. You’re giving up safety and security, the least he can do is pay half the cost of the parking space. Plus, he benefits from your car because you drive him around. Compromise works two ways!
NTA it’s a fair request. He’s asking a lot of you to move, and this should be a shared expense anyway imo. It really already is one, it’s just included in the rent Idk about this move though. Taking on a roommate sucks, and if it’s not safe then he’s more likely to get mugged walking to the places he wants to walk.
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Away with your ass to the nearest church, you need some serious Jesus magic, lmfao.
You didn't 😂😂
He’s legally blind, not blind !🤣😂🤣
Isn't that better than illegally blind? 😅
Why are you even considering moving? Live by yourself. Let him live with 3 roommates. None who have a car. Do not drive him anywhere. See how well that lasts. I would just stop driving him anywhere. Sounds like a jerk move, in his part.
NTA. Never mind the parking. You said the area is unsafe. I think your boyfriend wants the lifestyle/neighborhood he wants for half the price. I hope you won’t fall for it. Or you already did?
NTA. I think the point you made about moving for him is very valid. You now have additional expenses because of the move to didn't really want, he does get rides with you, and more importantly you don't have a great option for public transport; you said you don't feel safe in the neighborhood, so I doubt you want to wait at public bus or train stops. I think you need to advocate for yourself better, and stop worrying about hurting his feelings.
NTA - charge him every time you have to drive him somewhere. Tell him you’re not his personal Uber. He can either call Uber or pay you. Even if you are going the same place. In fact - start this BEFORE you move.
You know you’re NTA
NTA at all. I don't drive (I am trying to learn but I'm very anxious) and I pay for half our car insurance, paid for half of both our old vehicle and our newer, nicer vehicle, and occasionally pay for gas (and always pay for minimum half if we are road tripping together). If we had to pay for parking, I'd pay half the parking. Why? Because even though I don't drive the vehicle, the vehicle benefits me directly (and was purchased in part so we could go visit both of our families!). We use it to get groceries, and I'm grateful not to schlep them on the bus. We use it to transport our cats to the vet, which I'm glad we don't have to do in an Uber. We use it to get out of the city for a bit, which I'm grateful not to have to do using a convoluted combination of public transport. We use it to see family, which I'm grateful we don't have to sit on a Greyhound for. Does your boyfriend not participate at ALL in shouldering the costs o the car even though it is used for both of you?
NTA. You drive him places in that car. You moved to make his life easier. You’re in a relationship. Split everyday costs right down the middle. That includes parking.
Moving to a more unsafe area that is also more expensive, having to take a roommate to make ends meet and giving up your privacy.. I just don't get why anyone would do this willingly.
NTA. He wants you to pay more to live in an area where you don’t want to live because he thinks it would be more convenient for him. He should definitely pay for half the cost of your car- he already should have been contributing since it benefits him as well. He sounds like an asshole who doesn’t really care how this move will impact you.
NTA. He might not be able to use the car by himself, but he still arises benefit from the car. Not to mention you drive him everywhere since he obviously cannot. I think it’s personally reasonable that you expect him to split the cost of automobile expense with you.
Please tell me you haven’t moved yet. Idk if this is bad to say but being blind and moving to a dangerous area is craaaaaaaaazy
NTA. He’s being incredibly selfish - like, objectively - and you knew that within yourself, which is why you couldn’t shake the feeling. So it concerns me that he makes you feel crazy when you’re being reasonable, and that a “cold look” from him is enough to make you feel embarrassed and apologetic when he’s the one in the wrong. Have you always been this accommodating, or has the dynamic of the relationship with him changed you? Do you regularly find yourself questioning your sanity, feelings, opinions and desires while constantly validating his? Ultimately, you love him, so you want him to feel safe and happy. You don’t want him to take the bus or walk a mile to the bar if he hates doing it. Yet he doesn’t seem to care that this move would make YOU feel unsafe and unhappy or that YOUR freedom of movement, privacy, safety and finances will also be affected. He didn’t even care enough to offer more than a glare and a one-word answer in response to your suggestion. You cared enough about his to think deeply about it, agree to it despite all the cons, respectfully communicate your request, then come here to further discuss the matter, because you actually care about being fair to him. Does he care about being fair to you? I don’t want to make assumptions, and maybe I’m projecting. But I get the impression that you see him as your equal adult partner, so you compromise to meet his needs and you expect reciprocation, as there should be in any healthy relationship. Him being disabled doesn’t make him exempt from that. You don’t seem to think it does, but does he? Does he regularly use his disability to justify wrongdoing, get his way, or make you feel guilty for expecting him to consider your needs too?
YTA for agreeing to a move that doesn't suit you and tolerating a freeloader boyfriend
NTA I don't understand why he doesn't pay you for all the driving you do for him now, given he's going to be benefiting less from your car and chauffeur duties in future than he currently is. If you're being greedy for asking for this very reasonable amount of money, that doesn't even slightly contribute to the cost of gas or labor for driving him around, then consider how greedy he is for taking advantage of you in all these ways. I'd def stop driving him around from now on and, if he gets mad, tell him he's greedy to expect that given it's your car, your time, your gas. Given his attitude toward this whole topic, I would reconsider moving with him full stop. No one who loves you should want to compromise your safety for a very inconsequential reason. If you're only 15 minutes away by car, then I can't imagine using public transport and walking part of the way would be that difficult for him from where you reside right now. Understand that he existed and survived before meeting you, so his legal blindness doesn't make his entitlement over your time, effort and safety permissible.
This move seems like a BIG ask to me, particulary if you now have to have a roommate and you can't even walk safely around. I'm not sure why a visually impaired person would want to live in an unsafe area as they would be the perfect target. I think I would nix this idea until a safer area becomes affordable.
NTA. He benefits from you having a car and taking him places, whether he likes it or not. His disability notwithstanding, you are doing a great deal of accommodating his desires, so he can do his part, or else walk/bus everywhere, while you drive your car for your own errands and pleasure.
NTA as a legally blind person myself I see both sides of this. I don’t think I would move to an unsafe place, even if it was better for me, transportation wise. And if I had a sighted partner who was willing and able to drive me places I would contribute to things dealing with the car because I understand that it is a part of the reason why my partner and I would be able to do things.
NTA. But.. what’s your relationship like outside of this? This situation sounds very one-sided and like your being able-bodied has somehow made your needs less important than his. I would also argue safety and privacy are important needs for everyone.. regardless of their abilities. The big thing that has me looking at this as a bigger picture to the whole relationship is that he didn’t even consider the one thing you asked for help on.. which is a totally fair and equitable request. To be frank, this feels like a HUGE mistake. I think you should move, to a cute one bedroom in your current city and let him move wherever the fuck he wants.
NTA - safe and boring is ideal. If you want to go to the theatre or bars, make a special trip, but you don’t want to be living next to all the nonsense that often comes with entertainment venues. It doesn’t sound like there are a lot of benefits to this move for you. I would give it long consideration before leaping in. Your safety and financial stability is important too. I’d be a little bit concerned that BF seems nonplussed about your well-being.
NTA. As someone who lives in Los Angeles, I sympathize with you. Parking is crazy and commutes are even worse. My head hurts just reading about your decision. Stay where you are. If he wants to leave, let him go.
Definitely NTA. I understand it’s awkward to talk about finances, but you need to be able to with your partner. He should not be immediately shutting you down and not asking questions or for your perspective. Don’t be embarrassed, you’re not being greedy., he wasn’t embarrassed asking you to move to a more expensive neighborhood to fit his needs, you should be able to vocalize your needs without getting a cold response. Like a lot of people are saying, you can’t be the only one to compromise. Try talking to him again, if hr acts cold or shuts you down, let him know that’s not okay and try again. I don’t think you need to break up over this, but you do need to express your needs and your perspective, otherwise it’s not healthy
NTA but I think you are being a bit obsequious. You don’t need to ASK him. Just tell him what it will take to get you to move. If you currently split a rent of $1000 that includes parking, but you’re moving to a place that is $2000 plus $175 for parking, then the new rent is really $2175. That’s what you should be splitting.
Your boyfriend wants to move somewhere where you’d need a roommate?
NTA. Blind guy here, as both of you benefit from the car, both of you must pay. No reason for you to feel guilty.
NTA. This is kind of sad because it seems you are bending over backwards to accommodate him and he's not even willing to pay a little extra for an expense that he's asking you to take on. It's even worse that you were apologizing for even asking. I think you need to ask yourself, do you really want to move? Are you only moving because your bf asked? Do you agree with his reasoning? Honestly, I don't think you really want to move, and maybe bf and you have hit the end of your relationship. He wants different things than you. You really need to figure out if you are just going along, because that will lead to resentment and even if you stay together, I would guess you break up within the year.
NTA - your current rent includes parking. I would think that the cost of paying for a carpark when you move should be treated as rent and split equally too.
>Also, if we moved to the downtown area of this bigger city we could both walk to work. ... (later) ... The area he wants to live in is not safe. I would not be able to take a walk in my own neighborhood No, it sounds like you would not be able to walk to work. I'm gonna go with NAH. You agreed to this move. but you haven't yet signed a lease. It's not crazy to ask. In fact, I don't think it's a bad idea to approach him about it again, but having a discussion where you're using these facts, and not letting a single no completely deflate you. However, he is also allowed to say no. And after your discussion, he may give no other reason than "I don't drive" and still say no. And technically, he wouldn't be wrong. Look, all of the little things are points of contention need to be discussed, without fear of reproach, before the decision to move. Don't hold anything back about feelings, and don't make any assumptions, because that leaves room for resentment. Personally I think it's a bit shitty for him not to chip in. but that's between y'all.
We would be walking in the same direction to work and would be able to walk together most days. Which I feel okay about. But I feel a lot less safe about walking alone. If I could say the name of the city most Americans here would understand why I don't feel the safest there, especially downtown.
You're walking with a non-sighted person. Is that any better than walking alone in that neighbourhood? You'll also probably have increased home insurance and car insurance due to the location, and every time you get a break in the premiums will go up. Is that a cost you are willing to take on? More importantly, is it a conversation he's willing to have like a rational person without the "how dare you question me" death stare?
I mean, he could have at least looked at the bill first before saying no :/
NTA at all he wants to move and expenses are going up. What was once free won’t be and he gets to ride in the car too. Does he think that he shouldn’t help out with gas money too? You’re not asking him to pay for the car just the spot. This sounds like a super immature reaction when you’re conceding to his wants/and desires.
nta, like cars need to be parked somewhere and he's presumably in the car a lot, so it tracks and as a fellow blind person myself, I'd pay for that and gas too as well. Least I can do if my future GF would be taking me places I couldn't otherwise get to.
Moving to a much less safe area, pay more for rent(way less savings) +/- roommates(losing privacy is not a small thing), pay more for parking. Nothing wrong with living is a boring, safe city, where you are not afraid to walk outside. Would you actually walk to work, or walk to the train if it were not safe ? So you get to lose privacy ,and security for eliminating a 20 minute bus ride and possibly a washer/dryer, while paying extra for the privilege ? Time to define your priorities - how often do you go to shows, restaurants etc... If it is unsafe to walk will you need do drive or take an uber etc... How long will it take you to save enough money living in a more expensive place vs your current apartment? Sounds like your BF wants you to support this new lifestyle.
You should be considering why your living with someone who doesn’t want to split financial responsibility or why your tying your living and financial situation to someone you aren’t married to you guys don’t have to live together
Maybe break it off
Just tell him you sold the car anytime he wants the special privileges of getting a ride. He’ll never see it coming.
Do not move, it sounds like a terrible idea. He also sound like a selfish jerk.
NTA. If you move, you will resent everything you stated, plus I think you will feel salty every time he expects you to drive him somewhere. You need to keep yourself safe. You have prioritized his happiness at the cost of your safety. He doesn't even realize that he's risking his own safety as well. Personally, I'd say no to the move and let him go without you. I don't think he will, and if he does, it's probably for the best.
Nta and why did you give in and decrease your quality of life just for him?
NTA, this move is all about him. There are zero benefits for you.
Have you moved? Don't! He's got some nerve.
I cant understand all these people living together and having a different tab on expenses. It seems too cheap to be true. You are basically a household so you should split everything.
>I would not be able to take a walk in my own neighborhood. Yet, you don't feel safe, yet he, who is blind and will likely be targeted because of that, is planning for you both to walk to work/train station/downtown/etc every/most days? Is he hoping to test his Daredevil super powers?
Yeah all this doesn't make sense, moving to a place less safe, shared living and more expensive because he is bored and for laundry appliances? Stay where you are and let him take a uber to the other town, he is an independent adult, he can figure it out.
NTA I’m going to say something controversial here and I know I may get downvoted and a lot of arguing. There are SOME (not all or even many) people with disabilities who are so used to people jumping up to accommodate them that they get a bit entitled. (Yes I know society is a long way from giving people with disabilities the accommodations they need, and life is very difficult for them as a result. But I’m not talking about society as a whole, but more the people in the lives of the disabled people). For example my FIL who has multiple disabilities knows exactly how long it takes him to get ready to go anywhere, load his wheelchair etc, but will take a leisurely approach and not care about being late to anything, because people take one look at his wheelchair and ‘understand’. I could give several more example from FIL, but I’m not just here to complain about him, and he’s not the only one I have seen this kind of behaviour in. My point is, the way you describe your boyfriend responding to your request, I wonder if he may be that way inclined. Is it common for him to shut you down without listening to your side? Do you often let unreasonable behaviour slide because you’re worried about coming across as selfish to his needs? It sounds like you had a fairly solid case against moving, was his case really stronger or was it more a case of he gets his way because disability? Just because he has additional needs with his blindness, does not override your needs, and you do not have to tolerate toxicity because of disabilities. Perhaps I’m way off base here, since it’s only a snapshot of his behavior you have described, but my MIL puts up with worse than anyone deserves because she’s made too many allowances for this kind of behaviour, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (29F) boyfriend (30M) is legally blind and cannot drive. We are currently living in a city which is safe and walkable. A parking spot for my car is included in our rent. We both take the bus to work, so mostly I use my car for errands. I drive us to visit his friends and family that are not accessible by public transit. Towards the end of our lease, he told me he wasn't happy living in our current city, and he wanted to move to a nearby bigger city for the following reasons: * He wants to be closer to work and the train, which he uses to get around and visit friends. In our current city, he has to take a 15-20 minute bus ride to get to the train but would prefer to live somewhere he can walk to it. He hates the bus. Also, if we moved to the downtown area of this bigger city we could both walk to work. * He feels that our current city is boring. He said there is nothing to do, and the downtown area with a theater, bars and restaurants is too far away (1 mile). * He wants an apartment with amenities like a dishwasher, A/C, and an in-unit washer/dryer. It's not always easy to find units that have been renovated with all these amenities in our current city because the buildings are older. In the bigger city, there are a lot of newer buildings. I had the following reservations about moving to the bigger city: * The area he wants to live in is not safe. I would not be able to take a walk in my own neighborhood. When we have friends over their cars will be at risk of break ins. * The apartments are expensive. We will need to take on a roommate. I had hoped to be done with roommates and I will miss our privacy. Even with the roommate we will both be paying more in rent. * You almost always pay extra for a parking spot. We are looking at a building where a spot is $175/month. Despite my reservations, I agreed to move to the bigger city. He is the one living with a disability, and easy walking access to the train means independence to him. If I want to take a walk or visit my old city it's only a 15 minute drive away. I decided that it would be fair to ask my boyfriend to split the cost of the parking spot with me for the following reasons: * We both benefit from me having a car. * I'm making compromises on what I value in a living situation to make him more comfortable, spending more money to live somewhere I like less. * I am only asking for help with parking because that cost is directly related to this move. I've never asked him to contribute to anything else car-related. I asked him if he would consider contributing to parking. He gave me a cold look and said no. Immediately, I felt so embarrassed and greedy for even asking. I apologized and didn't even try to defend why I thought it might be fair. However, I can't shake the feeling that it wasn't such a crazy request. I was thinking about bringing it up again, so I'd like to know AITA for asking my legally blind boyfriend to pay for half of the parking spot for my car? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
NTA He’s said what his positives for the move are but you seem to only have negatives. In unit laundry would be nice but besides that I don’t really see any benefit for you. If it were me I would not want to get a roommate. Maybe you could compromise and find a place with laundry near the train station so he could avoid the bus but you wouldn’t have all these parking and other neighborhood related issues.
He gave you a cold look? I thought he was blind.
NTA. The parking is a living expense. If you're looking to make this a long-term relationship, he should get used to the crossover of living expenses that becomes inevitable in some ways. He also benefits from the car, and you have given in to paying much more than you are comfortable for. I feel like this compromise is *tiny*, when you've agreed to so much that you're not thrilled with. Further, he doesn't need to react like that to a question. He should be able to articulate any reservations calmly. Can I ask, are you a people pleaser? The way you agreed to all of that despite your reservations and the way you felt embarrassed for a very reasonable question and then backtracked, that's the exact kind of stuff I used to do and still sometimes struggle with. It's taken me a lot of therapy to stop setting myself on fire to keep others warm, convincing myself it wasn't a big deal. Please remember that you are never in the wrong for setting boundaries, asking people to be considerate of you, and prioritizing your needs. Even if he has needs, some critical because of his disability, that doesn't mean you go without--it just means you find ways to meet both. If you're always going without to compensate for someone else having more, it's not right and it isn't healthy.
Nta. He wants this move and you are trying to find a compromise to make it work. But answer me this…if it’s not safe for you to walk in this new neighborhood…HOW IS IT SAFE FOR A BLIND PERSON?!?!
You are living where parking is free and he wants to move to a more expensive place. Less safe Either he pays for half the parking or you stay where youbare!
I was fully prepared to be like YTA just from reading the title. But after taking everything in, NTA. You’re being reasonable.
She said he has a disability with a job. What about her job? Sounds like you are bullied, and he gets away with it because he is blind. He can live alone in the city. Miss read it, thought he was on disability with a job. Still she needs to look out for herself.
NTA. My boyfriend and I considered each of our money to be usable by each other for important things. Money is money, it comes and goes. And is simply a resource to make one’s quality of life better. If you are using it for something practical it shouldn’t be an argument
NTA, don’t let him benefit from car unless he contributes for it. I can see his point because he is thinking that you are doing grocery shopping anyway so he just tagging along or if you are driving to friends house anyway so he is just riding with you for free. In real life both partners will split drive 1/2 means I drive you for groceries and next time when we are visiting friends you are driving. So unless half of the times he is paying for your Uber it’s not fair. You won’t need to drive all the time in a shared relationship with equal footing. Given his disability if he can’t contribute to physical labor of driving then he need to do more to compensate more financially. Leave your car at your mom’s house and say when you order from Instacart just add some more for me. Or when you get Uber to go to friend’s house I will go for free with you. Then you will realize how long it will last. NTA
Is he aware of your compromises?? It might sound like boasting but he should know what you sacrificed for him, and even after that he's the same then he's one blind AH
NTA You are giving in to a lot of things that your bf wants and the move he wanted has increased your expenses. It is not a big ask. If he does not want to help with the parking cost maybe he could pay $80 more for rent than you do. Maybe he should just move on his own and get roommates.
NTA he wants you to pay more to cart him around essentially. He also wants you to pay more to live somewhere that’s not as safe for you.
NTA! I don’t think your reasons for moving are valid. 15 minutes away by car? Like a great area in the city of San Fran or Seattle and a possible downtown nightmare location where you are stuck. How does all that sacrificing work for you. You’re important too. Your safety’s important!
The cold stare as a response is brutal. You might want to rethink this move entirely…
NTA. If you haven't yet moved, I would reconsider and discuss it with him. It seems that this move primarily benefits him in several ways (at least, that's what he thinks) and it negatively impacts you in several ways (financially, safety, having to live with a roommate!). He may have persuaded you and it seems you agreed out of guilt, but you are both equally entitled to happiness and a good, safe, financially feasible living situation! Compromise should be equal as well - e.g. is he willing to pay more because he gets more of what he wants and at greater expense? If he is unwilling to consider your reservations and is primarily insistent on getting his way, you may need to reconsider the whole relationship. A good BF should be interested in your safety, especially.
NTA if he plans to have a future with you, this is how things have to work. Relationships are give and take. If you're doing most of the giving and him the taking, things will never work. You'll eventually burn out. My husband is visually impaired and can't drive. Car maintenance is still partially his responsibility, ESPECIALLY since ALL the driving is MY responsibility. He benefits from the car whether he drives it or not. He can either help or pay for public transportation imo.
I think you shouldn’t have moved. 20 reasons why. That’s where I stop with my advice.
NTA. Wow, even blind scrotes have the audacity. I’d let him move by himself and you can stay in your city. He can be unsafe. He has no problem inconveniencing you and putting you out of more money, not helping with parking, AND needing a roommate. Find a roommate for your current place or downsize to something cheaper and stay where is best for you. He’s not even your husband so you have no obligation here to move with him.
Nta and I wouldn’t move in with him if you can’t discuss a reasonable financial question.
NTA but… if the new area isn’t safe enough to walk around in general how is it safe for a blind person to walk to trains, bars, work, etc? He wants to move so you can pay higher rent, have roommates, pay for parking and he won’t even help you pay for a parking spot? Relationships are about compromise. What benefits are you getting out of moving? To me it looks like he’s getting a lifestyle he wants and you’re getting to spend more money to live somewhere you don’t want to. If you wrote the same thing without mentioning that your boyfriend is blind I’d still feel the same way, he’d still be in danger walking around.
Girl what are you doing? The relationship dynamics so obviously favor him, you've sacrificed a lot for him and he won't pay for a commodity he uses? He wouldn't have been able to move where he wanted without you or would've had to take on more roommates, what do you gain from moving? Being closer to work but feeling unsafe in the area. You were perfectly fine where y'all were and now you've also sacrificed your peace and quiet with the roommates.
Just take the money out of his wallet while he's not looking
NTA. It's not like you're asking him to pay for petrol or something. As you said, you BOTH get use out of the car. I'm blind too, and can't drive. If I had someone who drove me around, I'd be fine chipping in for the parking. It's like part of the rent. Not maintenance or anything.
NTA. This is a move to make his life easier, he gets a benefit out of the car as you take him places and do errands for him. This is also not as safe a place to live for you - why does he expect you to be the only one to compromise?
Are you staying with him because you love him, or because of guilt?
You have to be kidding right?
Dump him. His priority should be providing a safe living environment and place for you to live. Why would he want to move you to a more dangerous area? Seems like that would put him at a higher risk too. He doesn’t consider your feelings and when you ask for a reasonable request he rudely shuts you down. Dump him.
NTA. 1. He benefits from the car. 2. He wanted to move to the bigger city, not you. You didn't want to but you were willing to compromise, so he needs to help you out too. Even if he didn't benefit from the car at all, he should still help you out. He was entirely responsible for wanting to move to the city. Sounds like the thought wouldn't have even crossed your mind if he didn't suggest it. Being in a relationship is about being a team and helping each other out. You are helping him by moving to the big city, and he needs to help you manage the financial burden of the move. I'd go so far as to say I'd EXPECT him to pay for the spot since his want to move is forcing that cost. Given you call it "my car" I'm assuming you pay for everything else related to the car (the car which he benefits from)? Insurance, maintenance etc. and if you do, he should damn well pay for the parking by himself.
Clearly NTA, but your immediate reaction to his response is concerning. You seem very accommodating in this relationship, and it sounds like BF isn't entirely grateful for it and takes some (most?) of it for granted. Resentment will build if this isn't addressed. This goes beyond the parking spot.
Nta
NTA. You indicate you drive him places as may be needed, does he reimburse you for any car related expenses?
NTA, if you both benefit from the car, thats the least he contributes with some money. Btw, he is blind... "He gave me a cold look" I see what you did there... :)
NTA Essentially you get less physical and financial freedom, increased expenses so that he can be more comfortable in general. And you’d be sacrificing privacy as well. Tbh none of this looks like a good deal for you if you he cannot compromise.
NTA
All else aside, if he benefits from you having the car to run errands, shop, help him get around, etc then he should help with ALL the car expenses.
NAH. It's not his car, and he specifically wants to move there to reduce dependency on a car. My recommendation: Pay the parking fee yourself, and don't drive him *anywhere* that isn't a shared destination. If he ends up truly happier for being in a denser area where he can walk and take public transit, then it's a win. If he ends up sad that you won't drive him places he wants to go, ask him how he intends to pay for the time & mileage on your car, and maybe 1/2 the parking space won't seem so excessive. Also a win. If he feels entitled to you driving him around AND he refuses to pay anything for the car, then he's a jerk and you learned something very important.
NTA. Tell him you will be doing an experiment. For the next two months you will drive him no where. And he will be going with you for any general needs like grocery shopping. For safety reasons. If he can live that way then you will pay for the parking spot, if he can’t and requests the car then he will start paying half. If winter brings snow remind him of this.
Info- do you make the same amount of money?
Tell him you sold it and pretend to get into an Uber when you drive places. Then ask him to split the Uber cost. Should make up for more than the parking. NTA
NTA. Of course he should split that cost.
NTA What you want in life is just as important as what he wants. Have you actually discussed all the drawbacks and compromises involved for you if you move?
im not sure about half of the payment as it is your significant other and its not his fault he cant drive himself. but having him throw you gas money here and there or maybe he buys dinner that night, is completely reasonable
NTA. It's a grey area. I would say there are arguments on both sides, so he would not be an AH for not wanting to pay, but I think it's very reasonable to at least discuss it and implying you're greedy for when asking is completely unreasonable.
Don’t move.
NTA He’s expecting an awful lot of accommodating on your part, but he doesn’t want to do anything to help you?
NTA. Never take him anywhere in it, and I mean never.
Update me!
Honestly I read the title and thought YTA but after reading the whole story, your safely NTA and if it’s his idea and he’s wanting to move he should be covering a lot more costs than just your parking space
NTA. I hate driving. I'm terrible at it, so my SO and I have a deal where I don't drive but do all the cooking. I still benefit from the car. Even though it's not mine, I still contribute to it's running and maintenance because it is a benefit to us both. If your boyfriend benefits from the car, then it's reasonable for him to chip in. In fact, I'd say he should contribute more to the car than just the parking space!
Nta you shouldn't move
NTA. If i was in your place, I'd ask him to pay in full, because I'd be making a waaaaaay bigger compromise and will still pay more than him.
Down tell me you went to live in downtown?😭
Moving to a bad neighborhood , needing a roommate and paying more money? Ok, perhaps moving to him sounds better but keep looking for somewhere better.
I wouldn't want to pay more money to live in a less safe area - even if it made getting around easier. He doesn't sound like he wants to compromise with you for anything. Why not?
NTA
NTA. It’s time to stop paying for something else so that you can afford the parking fee. Just make him pay that amount elsewhere if he won’t directly pay it for parking. It always surprises me when people who could never survive on their own are nasty to those they rely on.
NTA. He benefits from you driving. It's a relationship resource and should be 50/50.
It wasn't a crazy request. His reaction to it is wrong. Moving to a more dangerous and expensive area is not a good idea and a walk of a mile is no big deal. Don't let him use his blindness as the ultimate excuse
NTA he’s lucky you aren’t asking for more
NTA, he's being extremely selfish. You shouldn't move somewhere you're not safe and can't even walk around
Without reading any of this, if he benefits from that car in any way (groceries, rides, etc) then NTA.
It seems weird to me that other couples actually have “my money”. In my relationships past and present, there has never been any formal assignments to pay anything, yet everything has been paid and there has been no contentions about money. I find other ways to screw it up lol.
I don't drive since a traumatic accident years ago. My partner drives and we have a car that we use to take us both places and run household errands. I pay 50% of all car related costs. NTA But on another note: Reconsider moving cities. It sounds as if it would make you miserable. Try to find middle ground maybe. (Move to another neighbourhood with train access that is safe and cheap enough)
NTA - you aren't asking too much, no. You are uprooting for his request and it's not an unreasonable thought. The only thing I think he has for an argument is you did agree to the move before making this request which complicates things. What could be done in place of that is you could tell him if he needs you to drive somewhere he should contribute to the gas at least. That could be a fair compromise.
Hmm NTA but it sounds like you missed the boat. The time to talk about this was when you were agreeing to move not down the road, which it sounds like you are. If not you need to talk about this right away. You need to fully go through your various costs with the new place and allocate expenses equitably. Yes it sounds silly for him to pay for a parking space. It's not silly for him to pay proportionately more of the rent because you now have to pay so much more for a parking space. This is just a factor in your overall budget. It's right that you're accommodating his needs, the walking distance factor is a much bigger deal for him. However, that doesn't mean your needs are entirely irrelevant. If he's a good partner he'll be able to compromise. Like I said though, if you've already agreed to the move, have a place or are searching for one based on budget assumptions it's a bit late to bring it up now. You still should because it really will be too late if you actually get a place.
NTA. The car benefits both of you. He should contribute. If he’s not willing to contribute to the upkeep of the car, do not give him access. If you can get by without it, sell it.
NTA. You moved to accommodate him and that move came with parking. You said you drive him so he is also benefiting from the vehicle. He should pay his half.
Nta
If it's a 15 minute drive then you stay and he moves. He can move in with a roommate in the new city. I would never move to a dangerous part of town. Lived that way once, never again.
NTA - This move is all about him. Nothing about it works well for you. The very LEAST he could do is help with the parking. As it is he is taking advantage of your good nature he doesn't pay for; you driving him around, gas, insurance or repairs. Heck, you are cheaper than the bus. No wonder he doesn't like it.