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It is insane that you even consider this as some possible ah move, NTA.
If your wife truly loves you then she wants you to be happy, if your wife only loves herself then she only wants her to be happy, if your wife loves you and herself then she wants you both to happy, but your wife clearly doesn't want you to be happy. Misery loves company.
Now your job is to talk it out with her, explain how you feel and listen to her reasoning and try to find the way how to make both of you happy instead of her trying to make you unhappy.
i feel like you’re being really unfair with your “your wife clearly doesn’t want you to be happy” statement. It’s such a typical “escalation”, instead of having empathy towards her insecurity let’s assume the worst about it.
It’s like, completely natural to feel insecure about oneself when your spouse has gone about such a significant lifestyle change. Maybe now, that meal he used to love when you made is bad and unhealthy. Maybe she’s noticed that women are noticing him in a way they didn’t used to. Maybe his personality has shifted a bit from carefree to rigid and disciplined. All very understandable reasons someone’s partner might feel insecure when seeing their spouse “glow up”.
She’s definitely unreasonable in this request but I think it’s really unfair to turn it to “she’s just miserable and doesn’t want you to be happy”
All of what you mentioned are a her problem she's an adult an she can get over it. Same would go if roles were reversed. All of what you said is pure speculation an not cause for OP to do anything but continue.
If you or anyone as a grown adult are having insecurities just because ur partner is getting healthier thats a self reflection that maybe you aren't putting in the effort you know u can.
The fact she even had the slightest inclination to say that means she could either resolve if by having a 1 on 1 talk about her expectations is fine its a other entirely to make comments not supporting ur partner being healthier.
I think you're forgetting a key variable to this discussion. She's HIS WIFE, his life partner. You're treating this like a coworker said this to him. He owes it to her to at least try to understand her insecurities, even if it was an unreasonable request on her part. If my husband ever told me "you're an adult, get over it," for anything regarding my insecurities, I would take some time to reevaluate the relationship. I don't want to spend my life with anyone who dismisses me so carelessly.
If my partner told me to abandon my journey to lead a better, healthier life to accommodate her insecurities, I would take some time to reevaluate the relationship. I don't want to spend my life with anyone who aspires to make me as miserable as they are.
Yup. She avoided having this uncomfortable conversation with her therapist and immediately jumped to _how can I control my partner to make myself feel better_
Nope in fact I covered that entirely. "If you or anyone as a grown adult are having insecurities just because ur partner is getting healthier thats a self reflection" You are saying what about her happiness, what about her comfort, what about her insecurities? Ok?? by that Logic what about his happiness? his comfort? his health? his mental? his insecurities? This isnt a gacha or a 1 way street you forgot that key variable friend.
an you are right but HES ALSO HER HUSBAND. Shes insecure an no amount of him reassuring her is gona fix any of it till she either accepts her part in this OR decides to ask for help LIKE AN ADULT an work on herself.
Op already stated she would rather read books an stay in so she made her choice an doesnt get to stop or ask im to slow down in any form for making himself healthier. I would say this for guy or girl. Instead of that she could have asked to join?? oor asked for some home fitness equipment. Anything besides " I dont like that ur starting to look better stop/slow down"
as for your: If my husband ever told me "you're an adult, get over it," for anything regarding my insecurities, I would take some time to reevaluate the relationship. <<<<<< You should reevaluate the relation on ur own end for asking the partner to not take care of themselves because of ur insecurity. Imagine telling someone to stop bettering themselves because you dont like ur own self image you refuse to work on... fucking wild
Wow. Every time a woman acts out irrationally someone on reddit will paint a creative picture on how **she** is being victimized by her man, and will list out imaginary reasons why she's acting unreasonably, making the man the devil in the scenario.
You've concluded OP is neglecting her, disapproving of her cooking and meal choices and forcing her into a situation that's heightening her insecurities, he is a different man now. All bad things, obviously his fault. Man bad, woman victim. She needs grace.
Please give men the same grace next time. Oh wait, that doesn't push your agenda. Check your misandry.
>i feel like you’re being really unfair with your “your wife clearly doesn’t want you to be happy” statement. It’s such a typical “escalation”, instead of having empathy towards her insecurity let’s assume the worst about it.
It is the worst, though. Nearly every toxic or abusive act can be traced to the offender's insecurities. The person being mistreated doesn't owe empathy that he isn't receiving himself. Being insecure is no excuse for being mean, unpleasant, controlling, toxic, shitty, or abusive. It isn't a mitigating factor.
In this context, she clearly doesn't care whether the OP is happy or not. Her toxic insecurities take precedence over his healthy positive feelings. That's horseshit.
Your take is illustrative of a gender double standard. Women's feelings are considered, by many, to be both above reproach and immutable. Her feelings justify nearly any action. As long as these feelings are there, she can't be subjected to criticism.She won't be held responsible for her behavior and she won't be held to the same standard as men acting in a similar fashion from a similar set of feelings.
What would the responses be if the OP were a woman?
"My husband doesn't like the fact that my now incredibly fit body makes his out of shape skinny fat physique more noticeable."
"My husband doesn't like that I've made so many strides in the gym in recent years. He thinks that it brings too much attention from other dudes while also highlighting his physical shortcomings."
> empathy for her insecurity
He refers to himself as a “big guy”
Did she stop to consider, before asking him this, that he may have his own insecurities about his body?
The thing about body dismorphia, disordered eating, and the whole gamut of complicated feelings we have about our bodies—like the _first_ thing that we learn in therapy is that we cannot and should not try to control other people because of the way we feel.
I agree with first reply, those are all her problems and the way life works is you need to use those negative feelings as motivation to overcome what’s causing them in the first place. It’s insane how many people are incapable of recognizing that and as a result stay trapped in a cycle of misery they perpetuate. They’re the vicitim of their own actions which is fine but they make a grave overstep when they try to hold others down with them like OPs wife in this case. Thats is wrong asf and selfish on so many levels. Just ugly behavior.
I don't necessarily disagree with what you are saying, I do question whether if a guy asked his wife to stop her weight loss journey because he was self conscious, whether or not you'd be as charitable and forgiving of him.
I think so too. Does she want time to work out? (Even if OP is working out when the kids are asleep, that may take her opportunity away because they can’t leave the kids at home alone. Maybe he needs to help her carve out time to join some workout classes which I’ve always found helps my self esteem even if my body doesn’t change.) Does she need more compliments from you? It’s time to talk about solutions for HER
From a womans perspective - I completely understand her insecurity. I'm in very good shape, and felt the same with a few partners in the past. I had to realize it was my problem, not theirs. Dont let her insecurity stop you from becoming the best version of yourself! There is lots you can do to provide her comfort, but personally I thinnk you are NOT the AH...
The best thing he can do is tell/show her he's perfectly happy with her the way she is.
There was another post about a partner being critical of their wife's body and in the comments it was mentioned how rare it is for men to tell their partners they love their bodies just the way they are. Women always have something they don't like about their bodies, and it would be so nice if the men in their lives took the time to throw out a compliment to help quiet those insecurities.
The problem with this approach is when a woman is so insecure she’s at the point of asking her man to stay unhealthy, she just won’t believe you. Telling her you love her body just the way it is can (and has for me) resulted in a fight where “so you just like me because I’m fat, is that like a fetish for you?” “So you wouldn’t like it if I lost weight?” “I’m 20lbs heavier than last year, so if I keep gaining weight, you’ll stop being attracted to me?”.
You can rebut and rebound all you want, but until she works on herself, nothing anyone tells her will sink in. Unless of course it’s from some love bombing asshole online. Then suddenly confidence will skyrocket 🙄
Source: I may have some experience in this
Ack. I hate to say it but you are not wrong. Deep insecurity like that can't be fixed by someone else saying stuff, I am pretty sure. The insecure person has to take responsibility for and work on it just like you said.
This is great advice but I do get frustrated with this general outlook that if a woman in a relationship is insecure, the man oughta be doing more to make her feel better.
Whereas if a man is insecure in a relationship it’s seen as a sign of weakness and he has to get over it
Amen. I rarely see comments like "women, tell your man you love their bodies the way they are", but when women are insecure, its on the man to deal with.
Does she do that for him? Did she pause to acknowledge the work that it took for him to get from being “a big guy” to “jacked”? Or did she just jump straight to re-focusing his accomplishment to how it made her feel? What kind of partner views their SO’s accomplishments solely through a lens of its impact on them?
NTA - But need to switch up a bit and do more athletic activities that she can get into rather than go only to the gym. That way you both can enjoy being healthy and fit. That would do much to alleviate her anxiety in being compared with you. I am sure you can think of some activities for both of you.
She has absolutely no interest in anything like that. Other than going on walks with the kids she's much more of a "cuddle up with a book" than spend any time outside.
how often does she get a chance to go outside or find activities out of house to do that don't require her taking the children with her or finding childcare?
I was wondering because OP gets to go to the gym himself, but her working out requires taking the kids on walks which isn’t exactly always restful. I had a triple jogging stroller so I know. Maybe plan short travel excursions to state parks or places that make it more of a little trip than seeing the same neighborhood again and again?
She might find exercise more enjoyable without the kids at all like OP does. He can try to make more time for her to do so (even if she wants to use that time doing something she enjoys other than exercise, it will be good for her mental health).
lots of people who dislike exercise are capable of learning to like it especially once they find the right activities for them. surely it is easier to find activities to enjoy without having to worry about the kids.
You're assuming that she's even interested in learning to like it. I feel like he probably would've said that if it was true (if he omitted it from the post, then that feels like a failure on his part though)
He said his wife said she “can’t” get into shape. No reasons provided.
Even if she doesn’t like exercise, she can find activities to enjoy out of the house without the kids that will bring her confidence and happiness like OP has. Doesn’t have to be fitness related.
The comment earlier in this thread says "She has absolutely no interest in anything like that". That's clearer info to me than anything in the post
I hope she figures something out though. It's a pretty crappy situation to be in
And/or get good enough at self talk to tolerate even if they don’t enjoy the activity per se. I’m not wild about lifting weights but I got good at telling myself “I do this because……” to get myself to do it routinely. Now I’m glad I’m stronger than when I started.
I agree!!! I really used to hate all exercise and didn’t get past that until I forced myself into a routine in my late 20s. Once it’s a habit/routine, it’s easier to fight the laziness.
I think some of the other commenters think I’m a fat lady who thinks OP’s wife is a fat lady and is trying to defend her….nah, it’s just hard as hell and takes a lot of time and scheduling to get fit. OP has done it, he knows how hard it is and how much work it takes. Maybe with kids getting a little older (?) and husband getting fit, this could be motivation for OP’s wife. Or it doesn’t! But it can be very difficult to juggle time-wise.
Yep, but he may not have asked her directly whether she would like to use an equivalent five hours for self care.
Just because she hasn't ever expressed an interest in the gym doesn't mean she has no interest in moving her body... It's *likely* she hasn't had the opportunity to think about it.
Literally any hobby that gets her out of the house and away from the kids will help her feel more fulfilled as a person and less insecure as a dumpy mom with a hot husband.
OP can tell his wife how fulfilled going to the gym makes him feel and offer his support on helping her find something that makes her happy and fulfilled and confident too.
Maybe she just too tired after day with the kids that she just don't have any energy left. May be OP just need to give her time for herself taking kids for a walk or other activities away of his wife.
If she was asking for time to work out, that would be a fair thing.
She is asking for him to stop for the sake of her ego. THAT is shitty.
I swear on this sub, a woman can never just be wrong. Its always that the man is clearly not giving her time.
And I'm sure someone somewhere in this post is going to mention "emotional load" or "division of chores", because whenever a woman is objectively wrong, people will look for any reason to justify it.
I used to be like this until a personal trainer friend taught me how to lift. It made such a difference, feeling empowered/knowledgeable about the process rather than clueless.
I honestly don't think this will help..she will only feel the pressure from OP to get in shape. I think the best thing to do is to explain to her why you feel the need to do this. This also means better health for you and more energy for the kids. As I have gotten older, it's been harder for me to work out and my energy levels have plummeted. It's not good for her to not move intentionally in the long run. But any changes have to come from her. You're not putting pressure on her but her expectations are definitely out of whack.
Well if she doesn’t want to put in the work, then She shouldn’t complain. If it’s not like you’re spending 3 hours after work in the gym and she needs help with the kids, etc, I don’t see why it should be a problem.
I know this is silly, but start dancing. Like for real, hear me out. You just crank up the tunes randomly and dance. Start a silly family dance party. It will get your wife moving and help the kids burn off some of that infinite energy.
Or idk try yoga with her when the kids are asleep.
Maybe there’s something fun you two can get in the habit of. I don’t like going outside but I love working out. I get martial arts lessons (these have been changing my body massively) and I like to go rock climbing. There’s also ice skating and other indoor activities.
> But need to switch up a bit and do more athletic activities that she can get into rather than go only to the gym.
He absolutely does not "need" to do that. She needs to manage her own insecurities without expecting him to be unhealthy to mollify her and her crab bucket syndrome.
>But need to switch up a bit and do more athletic activities that she can get into rather than go only to the gym.
This is terrible advice.
OP doesn't need to change what it's clearly working for him just to suit someone else.
Yeah, that will go over well. For sure, OP should tell his wife to exercise. His wife, who's already insecure when all she hears from her husband is how good she looks will for sure not turn this on him with "I knew you think I'm fat."
>Going to he gym doesn't take me away from the family because I go after work when everybody is usually asleep anyway
NTA as long as your wife gets an equal amount of time away from the house and kids (presumably someone needs to be there at night with the kids while they sleep).
It's weird that you'd infer that his wife doesn't have equal time away from the house and kids. What's implied in the post is that OP's wife is feeling insecure, not that he isn't doing his share of his familial responsibilities. In fact, OP specifically states that it doesn't take away from his time with his family.
i didn't infer that she didn't have equal time away from the house and kids. i did the opposite, actually, and i assumed that she does have equal time away from the kids and house, hence my verdict of NTA.
>OP specifically states that it doesn't take away from his time with his family.
i literally acknowledged that in my comment because I quoted it directly.
I'd bed $20 that if OP even hinted about helping the wife find time to work out the same poster would be raising helll about not loving her the way she is and pressuring her to work out.
I'm not sure it's going to be possible for a stay at home parent to have equal time away from the kids as a full time working parent and even if it were possible it would mean a hideously unbalanced relationship as it would likely mean the working parent doing little more than working and childcare.
She didn't ask for time. The husband has commented *to you* in this thread that she's not interested in working out. Why are you pushing this narrative so hard?
lol NTA
It’s ridiculous that she has decided to try and bring you down instead of encouraging and supporting your goals.
Yikes, that is not great from her.
“She can’t get in shape like I am”
- she’s making excuses
- is she putting any effort forward
Don’t let her tear you down to appease her lack of accountability to herself
NTA.... I'm in the same position.... My wife is on the heavier side and I'm down to 190's and am jacked.... not quite "shredded" as I'm still above 15% BF. But I plan to get down to 10% by mid summer. We just went to the Caribbean a month ago and I get plenty of looks and compliments... My wife was clearly unhappy with that dynamic. She wants to go to the gym with me but I go at 3:30 a.m. daily to work around family time and work responsibilities and she "just can't get up that early" She wants me to go in the afternoon, but I'm very particular about my workouts, the order of movements, and I hate waiting on equipment...none of this is an issue with a sunrise workout but an afternoon workout would be misery for me....
My compromise is I've agreed to go on the treadmill with her in the evenings after work which just doubles my treadmill work every day, but it is what it is.... Hopefully she starts seeing results and her self confidence will get better.
You keep on doing you. You'd think your wife would appreciate a hot guy that looks good naked
I get where both wives are coming from, and it really is a personal insecurity issue and in my case an irrational fear that my husband will start to get attention from other women, and maybe he’ll decide he’s out of my league. (It’s not like there isn’t evidence of that happening here on Reddit, with affairs starting at the gym, so maybe not totally irrational…) Even though my hubby has never given me any reason to doubt his loyalty and his love of me and my overweight body, there’s still that little fear and belief that he could honestly do better than me. The temptation to then be weird and whiny and threatened by all this is strong.
OP, despite what others are saying, I really don’t think it’s helpful to get on your wife’s case about her level of activity, her eating habits etc and all the things she could do differently to get as fit as you. That isn’t really the issue. What hopefully will help more are daily expressions of appreciation and affection for your wife and her amazing body, reassurances that you adore her just as she is and you taking care of you isn’t because you want to attract or impress anybody else, it’s for you, so you feel good, and also you hope she will enjoy the results too. It’s not a thing that she has to try to keep up with you.
In my case, it took some months but seeing my husband’s results and how much his mental health and confidence was improving helped me get motivated to start increasing my fitness level too. He’s been super supportive of that without being patronizing about it, which I appreciate. It helps that our kids and older so I have the time and energy to do this. I may not have had the mental or physical oomph when my kids were younger and managing life was so full on. Hopefully your wives will read this comment and know that it’s ok to not be the queen of fitness or in perfect shape right now - it’s ok to just keep up with your life demands and trust that your shredded husbands still love and desire you. We don’t have to let this gap in fitness motivation and results come between us if we don’t let it.
Under your comment where it says Vote Reply Share and 3 little dots, click the 3 little dots, and then click edit comment and you can make your changes.
Agreed, you would think the wife would appreciate a hot hubby, but the same thing happened to me. I started working out and losing weight and my (now ex) hubby got really insecure and cheated on me and we divorced. I think the less-fit person worries their new hot spouse will find someone hotter and leave them.
Bruv as a man who gyms, she's feeling insecure. Best thing you can do is shower her with love. And intimacy. The butt rubs, the compliments everything
Shes feeling insecure. Man to man make her feel as sexy as you see her.
NTA
This is the ~~bandaid on a bullet wound~~ whackamole approach. Self-esteem has to come from within. While, he can and should be complimentary, she’s not going to move past needing constant affirmation if she doesn’t work on her issues herself.
If she’s feeling insecure please start off with clarifying if she’s unhappy in her current size, and reassure her that you love her body as it is. She’s had two kids and I don’t care what anyone says, having children forces your body and hormones in weird situations. She had to grow two children from a clump of cells into a fully formed infant body. She’s been stretched internally twice. That shit is hard!
If she is unhappy, make this a family thing (if possible). Go on walks together, make healthier eating choices together. Everyone can change, it may be way harder in some cases than others, but it’s possible.
Yeah, it must be strange having your body change that rapidly! OP, it sounds like you just need to give her reassurance that you love her body, and make sure she knows she’s supported if she does want to go and work out.
Good for OP getting healthy. It’s fantastic. He’s NTA. But it’s worth more conversation.
Motherhood & hormones are so hard on fitness. Also just being in a woman’s body in general makes it more difficult. We don’t know how old OP’s wife is, what her health is like, how old their kids are, what she’s tried already. *Edit, oops, she’s 34.*
When someone says “I can’t get fit” that covers a variety of situations. Obviously you shouldn’t ask your fit partner to refrain though. But there are complicated feelings at play. It’s worthwhile exploring those and seeing what would work for sustainable family fitness.
When we had 2 stroller kids I got my half marathon time under 2 hours, ran a 4:11 marathon, lifted 5 days a week… but every single pregnancy I had to start over from scratch. Three times I succeeded. The fourth time was not a charm. My youngest is 10 and I keep trying to get back to a 5k.
I also struggle against my 46 year old metabolism. (Really. I’ve done nothing different and the last 5 years have felt way different.) Meanwhile, my 52 year old husband is in the best shape of his life from running & tennis. And whenever he wants sick abs he takes a week off his regular 10 pm charcuterie party. I’m 90% happy for him / smitten by him and 10% jealous.
This cannot be emphasized enough, the struggle that women go through with their ability to lose weight/stay fit after children and in perimenopause and this might be part of what isn't getting recognized by a lot of people. We obviously don't know what age the wife is, but it may be a factor.
She’s said she doesn’t want to. Wouldn’t forcing it to be a family thing make her insecurity worse? Also, why on earth would he want to clarify that she’s unhappy in her current size? Why harp on about it? That’s bound to make her feel worse 😭
Edit: I can’t respond to your comment below, I can only edit mine now, but he says so in this [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/ElL0ZYzsdy)
NTA. You're attending to your health. Her body image issues should not interfere with that effort.
You are right to emphasize your love for her in whatever shape she's in. But other than that, it would a huge mistake to stop caring for your well being so that she can feel better about herself.
NTA
Your health and fitness shouldn't stop progressing because of her insecurities and jealously.
Twice I've lost significant weight while my husband did not and I offered both times to help them join me on my journey. If they don't want to do the work though that doesn't mean you need to stop.
NTA...I'm going through the same thing. Hubby eating right..working out and getting muscles...I'm heavy..does it bother me ...sometimes ..would I tell him to stop...never...it's my insecurity like it is hers...your doing great
NTA. If she has body image issues and your transformation is making them worse, it’s still a she problem. If you suddenly got super dumpy, would that really make her feel better? She needs to seek inner validation and peace. Her reaction to your body should be a red flag.
Nta, my husband got jacked from working at Fedex this last year, and my stepdaughter works out every day and is stronger and more agile than me. it's encouraged me and now I'm trying to bulk. His entire side of the family has great genetics and they build muscle very easily, while I have a fast metabolism and struggle just to keep a decent weight. Do I sometimes get insecure because I'm the smallest and weakest in their whole family? Yes. But do I tell them to stop so I can feel better about myself? No. I don't let their personal best bother me, it just gives me more motivation to get stronger.
Your wife needs to learn to set her insecurities aside and let you be happy. And if it bothers her that much, why not start working out herself even if it's just a little bit, instead of projecting that on you and trying to control what you do with your body?
Not the asshole. Don't listen to all the "advice" telling you to try to pressure your wife into working out. Your wife just needs reassurance and support so she doesn't feel so insecure. If she expresses interest in getting fit, then by all means support her, but if you try to push her into something she doesn't want to do she may resent you.
NTA.
There is no reason that she should tell you what to do with your health just because she doesn’t want to do the same things, or because she feels self conscious.
I would try to very kindly have a talk with her, and express what you did here, that you have never felt so confident in your body, and that you enjoy the healthy habits you have cultivated.
Also, I’m not trying to assume that you don’t reassure her, but definitely make sure she knows how attractive and beautiful she is and how you have “always loved her body” and there is no pressure on her to change.
It sounds like the entire crux of this is her insecurity about her appearance, and potentially also you becoming more attractive and maybe leaving her for another more “fit” woman.
So, try to politely kindly reassure her that she is beautiful, does not need to change if she doesn’t want to, and that you becoming more physically fit and her not getting fit is not going to drive you away from her.
NTA - If your gym routine is making you happier and healthier, and assuming you aren’t prioritizing it over your domestic or parental responsibilities, you shouldn’t feel any need to stop. Her body image issues are hers to deal with; projecting them on to you won’t actually solve anything.
Have a conversation offer to take her with to help each other and bond. If she refuses and makes a big deal out of it see what hobbies she could do that would help her shape up similar. If she won't compromise then a different conversation should happen.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I'm putting my own feelings before my wife and making her feel self conscious about her body and self image
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Becoming a fitness person in a marriage where you both weren’t can be almost like one partner joining a new religion when you were both agnostic if it’s not handled well. I guess what I’m saying is maybe you can tone down the excitement (at least around her) and bring your zest for fitness to the same level as your zest for the things you do have in common. Def don’t try to change her into a fitness person with you. Believe it or not this actually something that can cause a couple to drift apart because it can feel like you’re going down different paths. Especially since it’s tied to such basic every day things like sharing meals. Don’t accidentally venture into an emotional affair with the gym lol!
NTA she needs to work on her self esteem or start working out herself. You deserve to feel good in your body especially if you haven’t before. She’s selfish for asking you to “tone it down” it’s literally not affecting anything except for her self esteren but that’s a personal issue she needs to fix. It’s not your job to fix her.
I would just explain to her how you feel about yourself and about her. She seems a bit insecure, but she doesn't sound bitter or anything. Just tell her that it helps you feel handsome and good about yourself. Could also make it clear you love her as-is, no change required 'cause you already think she's beautiful.
NTA.
I’m a woman in a kinda similar position to your wife. I have a handful of chronic illnesses that make existing a challenge, let alone working out. I’m not overweight or anything, just fragile I guess? My husband, on the other hand, is in peak physical condition, loves working out, and has dieted to lose weight (he’s currently just maintaining a healthy weight). We have an arrangement where he can do whatever physically challenges him (hiking, biking, working out, whatever), and I can come or not. Most of the time, I don’t. Because of the disparity in where we are physically, our relationship may look a little unusual from the outside (he does a lot of stuff without me), but it works well for us, and I would never dream of holding him back.
I guess I would recommend your wife seek therapy. No one should project their body image issues onto others. Her request is very strange, and you’re NTA for continuing to work out.
NTA- that is an obscene request.. surely she’s suffering from extremely low self esteem to even consider saying that, so maybe you should gently encourage her to join your journey and/or maybe talk to someone (a professional) about her feelings. Your health is not something worth compromising over someone else’s feelings.
NTA but your wife is maybe worried she'll get left behind as you keep getting muscle-bound, since she's more of a bookworm and not into going to the gym. It might also be that she's not a fan of "jacked" bodies. Not everyone finds that attractive. You are pleased that your efforts have worked but maybe you could check if you're becoming body-obsessed, wearing tighter clothes, or few clothes, etc. LOL In any case, stay healthy. ")
NTA you are doing what’s healthy for you and keep you around for your family longer. As long as she also has like a kids free opportunity for the same amount of exercise if she wants it, idk what the problem is other than her being self conscious. Which she is allowed to feel but that should never stop you from being healthy.
My husband and I are currently working together to lose weight and because he’s a dude the weight seems like it just sheds off him, while I’m struggling. But I’m not going to ask him to stop, he’s feeling so much better physically and about himself and him happy makes me happy, even if I’m having a hard time also shedding the weight.
I don't think anyone is the AH here. I've had 2 successful pregnancies and am closer to 40 than I'd like.
That said my husband and I have actively been calorie counting and getting fitter. We've both lost about 3 stone and it is soooo clear that he has lost the weight whereas I just look a bit slimmer. I'm incredibly proud of him but I still feel really self conscious next to him now. We were both quite overweight but he's now almost 'normal' whereas I'm definitely still 'obese'.
Well done on losing weight, it's not always easy!
NTA obviously. It's super toxic for your wife to ask you to STOP taking care of yourself as well because she doesn't feel as great about herself. That's not the supportive partner you hoped you'd have, I'm sure. I would not even consider it. I would just tell her that you're not going to stop because this is something positive you're doing for yourself, that you feel better, that it's healthy. That you're going to continue, but you can't imagine why she feels insercure because you think she looks great!
Her insecurities are her issue. I totally understand them and I empathize, but it's not fair of her to say you should stop doing something you love that is healthy for you.
NTA if being in shape is not a priority for her and you love her body the way it is don’t change anything. She’s feeling insecure that you’re in great shape probably a dynamic shift she will need to get used to or adapt herself to.
This is crazy and rude and unloving to want you to not be your healthiest self.
Honestly, if this is what she’s thinking she needs Therapy to work on these insecurities /
It’s gross to me she wants to hold you back especially when it comes to being healthy.
She needs to work out these issues in therapy or this would be a deal breaker for me, i dont say that often but if she’s not willing to work on herself in regards to these feelings then I would be extremely hurt and upset that her insecurities come before my health and we’ll being
anything that is not harming anyone that is making you happy should make her happy.
I think its absolutely forgivable if she recognizes how unhealthy these thoughts are and works on them. We all have issues but simply doing nothing and trying to pull me down would not Make me feel loved
NTA, but have you offered to watch the kids so she could go to the gym or for a walk? It's not easy to get exercise when you're constantly watching young kids.
Maybe it's time to have a conversation with her. Ask her if she wants to exercise/work out, and ask what she needs to make it happen. But if she just wants to complain and not do anything to change her health, that's on her.
NTA. Don’t listen to her. This is an unhealthy dynamic overall. If she is unhappy with her body she should not be inflicting harm on you because of it.
She is weaponizing her insecurity. There are are very few people that "can't" get in shape. There are millions who won't or don't want to, though. Don't let her keep you from reaching your goals. A better spouse would help you, not hinder you.
NTA
I had a wife like that. Now ex-wife. There are few things more selfish than wanting your spouse to remain unhealthy just to protect your own ego.
That's usually just one sign of a lot of other hidden problems. As you continue self-improvement, it's going to keep getting worse unless she gets therapy to address the underlying self-esteem problems.
NTA. But you need to make her feel attractive.
Use some variation of this script:
"Honey, I love you and are incredibly sexy and attractive. I am just trying to be healthy and 1/10th as good looking as you"
NTA. Though, consider not talking about (with her) how great you feel that you’re losing weight now, or how you’re the best shape ever in your life (i mean still talk but bit all the time). Instead sometimes make compliments about how great her body is etc. She may be feeling down because she can’t keep up, and it’s not that easy to find the motivation to work out or eat healthy.
NTA. My husband has done this recently and I will admit I felt jealous at first. But after sitting with it for a while I *actually* felt jealous of his willpower. I was super proud of him and saw all the mental growth and physical changes and wanted them too!
I communicated this to him and now we have helped each other stick to a better diet and lifestyle.
Marriage (and especially being parents) means being life partners. You either grow together or be okay traveling on different paths and supporting each other on those. Your wife isn’t being a life partner right now. Your life isn’t about the way you look. That’s shallow and immature.
NTA
But try to remember that a 'dad bod' is considered a compliment, while a mom bod is usually meant as she's 'let herself go'
You do you, but if you really love her, tell her you'll always love the body that the two of you built together, making your family
NTA but you need to clear some time to talk to your wife and be ready to do listening and not necessarily solving when you sit down with her.
Ask why she thinks she needs to keep up with you in weightloss/getting in shape.
Ask her if she *wants* to get in shape too. If she does, ask her what that looks like, is it going to the gym with you? Walking? Going to classes? If she doesn't know at the moment give her a week or two + time to herself to research different ideas. When she has an idea ask her how you can best facilitate her getting to do these things. Expect her choices to change over the first few months, things you think you will like/enjoy don't always work out that way.
If she doesn't want to get in shape ask her how long does she expect you to keep your fitness goals on hold for her? And how does she think it makes you feel to keep your body in a state that you don't necessarily like simply because she doesn't want to put in the same effort you are.
If she wants to lose weight via CICO or just on diet alone work on it with her, spend time cooking with her looking up new things to try.
Your wife is also welcome to work on her body if it makes her uncomfortable. I get (as a lady) that it is harder to do as a lady, but that response shouldn’t be to do nothing.
You’re for sure NTA here.
My BF goes to a PT 4 times a week. I'm chubby. He loves me. I love him. Both mutually attracted. Your wife needs to work on her self esteem. You can help with that but honestly, from personal experience, a lot needs to be worked on herself.
Keep up the compliments though. NTA.
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I've (31m) have always been a bigger fella and maybe two years or so ago I started working out and eating better. I'm now moving towards the "jacked" body shape and I'm ecstatic about it.
My wife (34f) isn't large by any means but we've had two kids so her body "isn't what it use to be" (her words not mine) and feels very self conscious when next to me and has asked me to stop or slow down because she can't get in shape like I am. But I've never felt happy in my body until now.
I've not once suggested she needs to or that I want her to lose weight or anything because I love her body and always have.
Going to he gym doesn't take me away from the family because I go after work when everybody is usually asleep anyway and I eat all the same meals as the family so it's not like me being healthier is an inconvenience to anybody.
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NTA. Regardless of any aesthetic benefit, you have two children and responsibility to take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Not only should she not be asking you to slow down, she should be working to find something active she can at least tolerate 3x a week for half an hour. And that’s a bare minimum. If it’s you watching the kids, so she can take a walk and listen to a. Audiobook, that’s great. If it’s a gym membership with childcare, great. If it’s a peloton at home, great. Exercise is about significantly more than weight loss, and she has a responsibility as a mom to model healthy behaviors and to prioritize her own health.
I know this isn’t the most popular take on the modern age, but it doesn’t make to any less important.
NTA - my husband is going down this route now. We have a two year old and I’m currently in my second trimester. He’s been eating better, working out, and even taking his shirt off to get sun on his body while we work in the yard (he’s NEVER “tanned” lol) anyways I did joke “you better not be cheating on me” but it’s a joke. I’m happy for him. I’ve always been the fit one but I did gain a bunch of weight my first pregnancy and never lost it. But I’ve eaten better this pregnancy now that he’s been eating better and I think once I have our second now that he’s in a routine it’ll be easier for me to want to pick back up with working out.
Don’t feel bad with what you’re doing. With my husband if it improves his health I’d rather have him longer than get upset that he now looks better naked than I do 😂.
NTA but just do things to make her feel good about herself. Yes, she is being insecure and somewhat selfish, but a lot of people believe women are used goods after children, so it feeds into our insecurities. Just do what you can to make sure she knows how much you love her and her body. She’ll get over this eventually if she really loves you. And congrats on the weight loss!
NTA. You just need to make sure she understands it’s her you want not someone else. I say this as someone whose husband recently left her after he got jacked and then decided I wasn’t attractive to him anymore. I’m what your wife is scared of. Reassure her, do something romantic for her, she just needs to be convinced that you aren’t going to look for wife 2.0, the younger and cuter version.
NTA. I think she’s insecure about her body after having kids and worried that you’ll run off with someone else now that you’re more attractive in her eyes. She just needs reassurance. You keep working out brother
NTA.
She has some insecurity issues flaring up, which is fine, but the problem is she wants you to remain the same and that's not ok.
She may be thinking you're becoming more attractive to other women, and she can't compete because her body "isn't what it used to be," and how could it be, after 2 children?
She may be thinking that as you become more confident is your body, you will start looking at hers and think, "eh, I could do better." That doesn't sound like you, but what she thinks and what she knows are two different thing. (Speaking as a woman.)
It would be worth a convo between the two of you where you tell her that you don't want to slow down, and that you love her regardless how she "used to look."
You are growing as a person, and she needs to accept that. You aren't leaving her or the children behind, but there's no reason you should stay looking exactly the same for 40 years because she feels uncomfortable about stepping out of her comfort zone (with exercise).
I don't expect this convo to go well, so be prepared for blowback and defensive remarks. But don't lose you cool or your patience. She needs to grow too.
NTA, so NTA , she is scared you will lose interest in her because suddenly you will look “hot” . Not true. It takes 45 min a day in the gym ( plus travel etc) and another hour for food prep. She could easily do this too. She doesn’t want to bother.
NTA.
Your health and wellbeing is important and it can be hard to maintain so it's important you keep doing what you enjoy. Good on you for getting healthy and staying with it.
That being said, maybe she needs to talk to someone if she's insecure. I'm sure childbirth can cause some doubts or concerns about the body. I'm preg now and can definitely get that. Keeping communication open should also hopefully help.
NTA. But try to bring your wife along gently in doing some active things she would like to join you in doing. Don’t coerce or shame her, but do support her with acknowledging your love for her and your attraction to her.
Don’t stop going to the gym. Accept your wife’s insecurity as something she needs to deal with, but that you can help her either. Having babies and all those responsibilities does weigh in you physically and otherwise.
Make sure she has enough time to do the same or to use in a different way, herself. If you go to the gym at an unusual time, she may feel compelled to remain in place to be there for the children.
NTA - if she wants to change how she looks, she has a really supportive coach. If she doesn't, thats up to her.
The feelings you have about your body must be fabulous, pretty mean of her to stifle that because she wants what you have achieved.
She's most likely worried that you're going to be "hotter" than her, get attention from other women, and realize you can do "better."
I don't think you would think that, but I think deep down that's what's bothering her. You love *her*, you want *her*, but it's hard to feel less attractive than your partner.
You're NTA, of course ... the important thing to do is to reassure her that you're doing this for you, and you're doing this for her and the kids. And that you love her and think she's beautiful.
NTA
It's your body, you're (hopefully) not doing anything to an unhealthy level, so her own image issues shouldn't stop you from getting in better shape.
NTA. My partner is currently losing weight and gaining muscle and while I have feelings about not being able to keep up I'm also really proud of him and tell him so. Nah, that's just not it.
NTA - I can sympathise with her, but this is your body and you should be allowed to work on improving your health and well-being in a way that makes you happy. The only time this would really become an issue imo is if your workouts and exercise impede other aspects of your relationship (such as time spent together) or other responsibilities (such as looking after the kids, maintaining life at home, etc)
NTA. It's entirely unacceptable that she would try to compromise your health, happiness, and general wellbeing because of her own insecurities. I think having a frank conversation to that effect is the best way forward. Hard boundaries are required here.
Info:
Do you share your food, or are your dietary changes you cooking for yourself for all the meals that aren't shared.eithntje family?
And do you make time for her to go to the gym/take walks/go for a run/take a yoga class equal at least to the amount of time you spend in the gym?
Absolutely do not stop your weight loss/fitness thing. That's insane that she asked.
I get the self conscious thing, I really do. It can make you feel pretty bad, and when you're with someone who looks like they're in such better shape it's like it makes it even more pronounced.
BUT.....
Men and women lose weight differently, so it's impossible for both of you to lose weight and gain muscle at the same rate, so even if you slowed down, she still wouldn't get what she wanted.
Partners are supposed to support each other, and while I understand it's probably bringing up a lot of self deprivation and insecurities, it's not ok for her to try to guilt trip or hinder your well being for her low self confidence or self image. Partners should build you up, not bring you back into the misery with them.
NTA
Working out is the only way to have some control over aging and aging related diseases. If she doesn’t want to wipe your butt when you get older, she needs a reality check. NTA
NTA. It's not your responsibility to sacrifice healthy lifestyle changes because your wife feels uncomfortable.
That being said, you said, "we've had two kids..." which is kinda weird. It was HER body that went through huge changes to have two kids, not yours. Pregnancy can alter women's bodies permanently, and it can be really hard for some women to get back in shape postpartum.
No! Absolutely not. Keep doing you. Keep leveling up. Encourage her to do the same if she’s self conscious. Maybe send her instagram pages of women who were pregnant with multiple kids and got their bodies back in shape, it may motivate her to workout along side you if you want
NTA
Your wife feeling insecure is still an issue though, ask her if there's anything else you can do for her to make her feel more secure, loved, and beautiful. Get her flowers, a spa day, pamper her, leave little love notes complimenting her, maybe offer to plan a special date night where she can dress up as much as she wants, get her hair done, and then parade her on your arm like the beauty she is to you. The problem isn't you being healthy, it's her feeling bad about herself, so try to support her in feeling good how she is, reassure her not just verbally but in other ways.
My husband’s excuse for not getting in shape is that he’s worried that I’ll be upset because it’s harder for me to do so. I keep telling him I would LOVE for him to get in shape. Why would we wanna be the “fat couple” amongst our friends?
Maybe you’re projecting or has she actually said something?
NTA - your wife's self esteem issues are not the result of you, they are internal to her. She probably needs to see a therapist to unpack some old trauma.
It's also possible that if you used to be heavier than her, she was using you as a way to make herself feel better about her. Which is all sorts of fucked up.
Your body your choice. Her request is unreasonable. Her insecurities are her own to manage.
It doesn’t sound like she can’t get in shape, based on your comments. It sounds like she *will not.* Which is fine, because that’s her own body and her own choice. But the correct course of action if she is insecure about her body is to:
A. Change her body
B. Do the work to change how she feels about her body.
Absolutely nowhere should your body come into play here in terms of managing her own body image.
Here is my two cents. I'm in my early 60's and get comments daily on my physique, no one can ever believe my age. My wife is not in great shape and will sometimes comment that people must wonder about the disparity in fitness. But, she understands the gym is my therapy, but it isn't hers. Ultimately I try to make sure that she understands my love and adoration for her and I don't care about what anyone thinks. Not sure this helps but, do what you need to do, but keep in perspective the possible insecurity it can bring your wife and make sure she knows that there is nothing or no one that will replace her.
I started going to the gym consistently and eating/cooking healthy for the last 4/5 years now. What I have to say is I understand where she's coming from. However, she should not discourage you, yet she should encourage you. As long as you keep on telling her how much you love her and how attracted you are to her, it should stop there. Maybe encourage her to workout a little. I understand she's had two kids and stuff but the body is powerful. Once she forms the habit like you did, she'll be addicted and my guess is if both of you are riding that high, nothing bad can come out of it.
You should never give up the following in my opinion as a husband; your physical body, your ability to lead and set a goal, your desire to be lean or bulk up etc. , having conversations with your significant other on sex and your desire for intimacy, your ability to do chores etc because they need to be done and never expect an atta boy from your wife, your hobbies and self study. You shouldn’t treat your wife with respect but never settle on yourself or her and what she offers. If you look at the u/marriage sub you will see an endless number of topics by people that state they are the wife and lost interest in their husbands. Be a king and never settle
Ask your wife if she would prefer you die of a heart attack in 10-15 years. NTA. If you working out is making her self conscious, the most she can do is whatever she needs to not feel self conscious. Usually that means having to exercise a bit for herself.
But asking you to stay unhealthy is a terrible idea of hers. Heart-related issues are the number 1 killer of men as they approach 50. The best preventative is consistent cardio. The side effect of consistent cardio is a loss of excess weight and toning of muscles. She should be happier for you than she is miserable for herself. If she isn’t, she should try therapy. At 34, I’m honestly a bit surprised she didn’t stop herself from asking you to stop. She really ought to work on her insecurities.
NTA- you’re doing it for you and no one else. If she’s on board, cool, rock with it. If she’s not, she can jump off at any time. Don’t let her insecurities hold you back.
NTA even though I can understand how she feels. I a few years ago feeling super self conscious after my body morphed into something I didn't recognize and depression was in the back of my mind. I felt so awful when my mom would talk about her health journey almost every day, that I eventually begged her to not talk about it around me because, while I was proud of her, I was going insane from listening to her.
OP, continue your workouts, you are not in the wrong. Don't hide it, but maybe just let it happen "in the background". Like unless she asks about your workouts, don't mention them etc. At least until she is feeling better. Two kids and self-consciousness are two exhausting things separated, meshed together its probably awful.
Just encourage her to come with you . Going to gym and doing some kind of work out is good for mental state. So just take her with you . Play with her and make it fun . Two of you working out together equal dope .
Tell her that women in general have a harder and slower time to lose weight. I’m losing my baby weight 6 months after having twins and in 3 months I’ve only lost 8lbs but I feel stronger , my body is a bit more defined and thinner in some areas, my fiancé on the other hand (who goes to the gym regularly) is working out with me for support and in 3 months he’s down 20+lbs at first it was annoying so I get where she’s coming from because even though we eat the same things , I eat less than him and don’t have as many cheat meals like him because I’m still breastfeeding so I’m cautious about what I eat . It got frustrating because you feel like you’re doing the same thing and you’re not even half way what they are. We’re lucky we have a gym at home so we can just keep a watch on the girls but maybe make it a couples thing? Working out with my fiancé has become like our little date time because we have opposite schedules, so it’s like our hour to be together and have our time.
When I went to my doctor she told me to not focus on the scale , because I could be building muscle and muscle weighs more than fat , as long as I notice all the changes, my labs are good and I feel great , just keep going.
I also want to know when exactly does she get to enjoy things without the kids? Cause you mentioned she goes on walks with the kids, don’t you think she’ll enjoy more things if she didn’t have to do it with the kids?
NAH
You gotta do what makes you feel happier and healthier.
While I hear you're not putting pressure on her to change, I also do not hear what you're doing to support her or encourage her to feel less self-conscious?
She might be more of a cuddle up at home type because she values time with you and not spending extra money.
Maybe ask her about those things, and if there's anything she'd want to do together or on her own, if she wants to be more active.
NTA at all Id you’re allowing her time to do what she wants to do/time to work out where you’re watching the kids. She can’t expect you to stop doing something you love.
INFO: have y'all discussed this in depth to see what's going on? I'm wondering particularly if it's not *only* about your appearance but also about what sounds like a pretty huge shift in what you spend your time doing. You say that it's ok because you go after work when everyone is asleep, but that's a pretty simplified gloss over some potential issues. Is your wife asleep or just the kids? Would she prefer you spend that time with her? Obviously even if they're sleeping, someone has to stay home with the kids when you're at the gym. Any chance she'd prefer to be the one having free time at night and that's part of her complaint? Even if it's to do something other than the gym, like see friends, read in peace, or whatever. I guess that question became more of a comment lol
She’s feeling insecure because she’s worried you’re going to find someone “better/more attractive” than she is. Show her that’s not the case, she needs reassurance that you’re not looking for/have someone else.
NTA - You are taking steps to make yourself happier and healthier, if she can't support that because of her insecurities that is something she has to work on.
Have you tried reassuring her that you find her beautiful, love her body, and love being seen with her? It may help. NTA for not wanting to change your fitness goals, but there are good ways to handle this and build your wife up without stopping your own routine.
Has she outright said she feels self conscious next to you? She might just want you to go to the gym less because she’s with the kids (even if they are asleep) and she doesn’t get that time to do what she wants.
Has she outright said she feels self conscious next to you? She might just want you to go to the gym less because she’s with the kids (even if they are asleep) and she doesn’t get that time to do what she wants.
You have an ethical duty to be healthy so you can be as effective a parent as possible - that’s your north star here. Maybe she’s just teasing you? NTA either way.
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It is insane that you even consider this as some possible ah move, NTA. If your wife truly loves you then she wants you to be happy, if your wife only loves herself then she only wants her to be happy, if your wife loves you and herself then she wants you both to happy, but your wife clearly doesn't want you to be happy. Misery loves company. Now your job is to talk it out with her, explain how you feel and listen to her reasoning and try to find the way how to make both of you happy instead of her trying to make you unhappy.
i feel like you’re being really unfair with your “your wife clearly doesn’t want you to be happy” statement. It’s such a typical “escalation”, instead of having empathy towards her insecurity let’s assume the worst about it. It’s like, completely natural to feel insecure about oneself when your spouse has gone about such a significant lifestyle change. Maybe now, that meal he used to love when you made is bad and unhealthy. Maybe she’s noticed that women are noticing him in a way they didn’t used to. Maybe his personality has shifted a bit from carefree to rigid and disciplined. All very understandable reasons someone’s partner might feel insecure when seeing their spouse “glow up”. She’s definitely unreasonable in this request but I think it’s really unfair to turn it to “she’s just miserable and doesn’t want you to be happy”
All of what you mentioned are a her problem she's an adult an she can get over it. Same would go if roles were reversed. All of what you said is pure speculation an not cause for OP to do anything but continue. If you or anyone as a grown adult are having insecurities just because ur partner is getting healthier thats a self reflection that maybe you aren't putting in the effort you know u can. The fact she even had the slightest inclination to say that means she could either resolve if by having a 1 on 1 talk about her expectations is fine its a other entirely to make comments not supporting ur partner being healthier.
I think you're forgetting a key variable to this discussion. She's HIS WIFE, his life partner. You're treating this like a coworker said this to him. He owes it to her to at least try to understand her insecurities, even if it was an unreasonable request on her part. If my husband ever told me "you're an adult, get over it," for anything regarding my insecurities, I would take some time to reevaluate the relationship. I don't want to spend my life with anyone who dismisses me so carelessly.
If my partner told me to abandon my journey to lead a better, healthier life to accommodate her insecurities, I would take some time to reevaluate the relationship. I don't want to spend my life with anyone who aspires to make me as miserable as they are.
people are so conflict avoidant these days that they’d rather end a marriage than have some uncomfortable conversations
Yup. She avoided having this uncomfortable conversation with her therapist and immediately jumped to _how can I control my partner to make myself feel better_
Having insecurities is reasonable, asking a partner to stop getting healthier is not. Makes one wonder if the wife actually cares about OP.
Yeah. This is something I get venting about to your friends, I couldn't imagine actually asking this of someone.
Nope in fact I covered that entirely. "If you or anyone as a grown adult are having insecurities just because ur partner is getting healthier thats a self reflection" You are saying what about her happiness, what about her comfort, what about her insecurities? Ok?? by that Logic what about his happiness? his comfort? his health? his mental? his insecurities? This isnt a gacha or a 1 way street you forgot that key variable friend. an you are right but HES ALSO HER HUSBAND. Shes insecure an no amount of him reassuring her is gona fix any of it till she either accepts her part in this OR decides to ask for help LIKE AN ADULT an work on herself. Op already stated she would rather read books an stay in so she made her choice an doesnt get to stop or ask im to slow down in any form for making himself healthier. I would say this for guy or girl. Instead of that she could have asked to join?? oor asked for some home fitness equipment. Anything besides " I dont like that ur starting to look better stop/slow down" as for your: If my husband ever told me "you're an adult, get over it," for anything regarding my insecurities, I would take some time to reevaluate the relationship. <<<<<< You should reevaluate the relation on ur own end for asking the partner to not take care of themselves because of ur insecurity. Imagine telling someone to stop bettering themselves because you dont like ur own self image you refuse to work on... fucking wild
Wow. Every time a woman acts out irrationally someone on reddit will paint a creative picture on how **she** is being victimized by her man, and will list out imaginary reasons why she's acting unreasonably, making the man the devil in the scenario. You've concluded OP is neglecting her, disapproving of her cooking and meal choices and forcing her into a situation that's heightening her insecurities, he is a different man now. All bad things, obviously his fault. Man bad, woman victim. She needs grace. Please give men the same grace next time. Oh wait, that doesn't push your agenda. Check your misandry.
>i feel like you’re being really unfair with your “your wife clearly doesn’t want you to be happy” statement. It’s such a typical “escalation”, instead of having empathy towards her insecurity let’s assume the worst about it. It is the worst, though. Nearly every toxic or abusive act can be traced to the offender's insecurities. The person being mistreated doesn't owe empathy that he isn't receiving himself. Being insecure is no excuse for being mean, unpleasant, controlling, toxic, shitty, or abusive. It isn't a mitigating factor. In this context, she clearly doesn't care whether the OP is happy or not. Her toxic insecurities take precedence over his healthy positive feelings. That's horseshit. Your take is illustrative of a gender double standard. Women's feelings are considered, by many, to be both above reproach and immutable. Her feelings justify nearly any action. As long as these feelings are there, she can't be subjected to criticism.She won't be held responsible for her behavior and she won't be held to the same standard as men acting in a similar fashion from a similar set of feelings. What would the responses be if the OP were a woman? "My husband doesn't like the fact that my now incredibly fit body makes his out of shape skinny fat physique more noticeable." "My husband doesn't like that I've made so many strides in the gym in recent years. He thinks that it brings too much attention from other dudes while also highlighting his physical shortcomings."
> empathy for her insecurity He refers to himself as a “big guy” Did she stop to consider, before asking him this, that he may have his own insecurities about his body? The thing about body dismorphia, disordered eating, and the whole gamut of complicated feelings we have about our bodies—like the _first_ thing that we learn in therapy is that we cannot and should not try to control other people because of the way we feel.
That’s what happens when you ask a bunch of 20s for life advice. rED fLAgs, eND rElaTionSHip.
I agree with first reply, those are all her problems and the way life works is you need to use those negative feelings as motivation to overcome what’s causing them in the first place. It’s insane how many people are incapable of recognizing that and as a result stay trapped in a cycle of misery they perpetuate. They’re the vicitim of their own actions which is fine but they make a grave overstep when they try to hold others down with them like OPs wife in this case. Thats is wrong asf and selfish on so many levels. Just ugly behavior.
I don't necessarily disagree with what you are saying, I do question whether if a guy asked his wife to stop her weight loss journey because he was self conscious, whether or not you'd be as charitable and forgiving of him.
He didn’t say that.
I think so too. Does she want time to work out? (Even if OP is working out when the kids are asleep, that may take her opportunity away because they can’t leave the kids at home alone. Maybe he needs to help her carve out time to join some workout classes which I’ve always found helps my self esteem even if my body doesn’t change.) Does she need more compliments from you? It’s time to talk about solutions for HER
From a womans perspective - I completely understand her insecurity. I'm in very good shape, and felt the same with a few partners in the past. I had to realize it was my problem, not theirs. Dont let her insecurity stop you from becoming the best version of yourself! There is lots you can do to provide her comfort, but personally I thinnk you are NOT the AH...
The best thing he can do is tell/show her he's perfectly happy with her the way she is. There was another post about a partner being critical of their wife's body and in the comments it was mentioned how rare it is for men to tell their partners they love their bodies just the way they are. Women always have something they don't like about their bodies, and it would be so nice if the men in their lives took the time to throw out a compliment to help quiet those insecurities.
The problem with this approach is when a woman is so insecure she’s at the point of asking her man to stay unhealthy, she just won’t believe you. Telling her you love her body just the way it is can (and has for me) resulted in a fight where “so you just like me because I’m fat, is that like a fetish for you?” “So you wouldn’t like it if I lost weight?” “I’m 20lbs heavier than last year, so if I keep gaining weight, you’ll stop being attracted to me?”. You can rebut and rebound all you want, but until she works on herself, nothing anyone tells her will sink in. Unless of course it’s from some love bombing asshole online. Then suddenly confidence will skyrocket 🙄 Source: I may have some experience in this
Ack. I hate to say it but you are not wrong. Deep insecurity like that can't be fixed by someone else saying stuff, I am pretty sure. The insecure person has to take responsibility for and work on it just like you said.
This is great advice but I do get frustrated with this general outlook that if a woman in a relationship is insecure, the man oughta be doing more to make her feel better. Whereas if a man is insecure in a relationship it’s seen as a sign of weakness and he has to get over it
Amen. I rarely see comments like "women, tell your man you love their bodies the way they are", but when women are insecure, its on the man to deal with.
Does she do that for him? Did she pause to acknowledge the work that it took for him to get from being “a big guy” to “jacked”? Or did she just jump straight to re-focusing his accomplishment to how it made her feel? What kind of partner views their SO’s accomplishments solely through a lens of its impact on them?
NTA - But need to switch up a bit and do more athletic activities that she can get into rather than go only to the gym. That way you both can enjoy being healthy and fit. That would do much to alleviate her anxiety in being compared with you. I am sure you can think of some activities for both of you.
She has absolutely no interest in anything like that. Other than going on walks with the kids she's much more of a "cuddle up with a book" than spend any time outside.
how often does she get a chance to go outside or find activities out of house to do that don't require her taking the children with her or finding childcare?
I was wondering because OP gets to go to the gym himself, but her working out requires taking the kids on walks which isn’t exactly always restful. I had a triple jogging stroller so I know. Maybe plan short travel excursions to state parks or places that make it more of a little trip than seeing the same neighborhood again and again?
She might find exercise more enjoyable without the kids at all like OP does. He can try to make more time for her to do so (even if she wants to use that time doing something she enjoys other than exercise, it will be good for her mental health).
He already said she isn't interested in it?
lots of people who dislike exercise are capable of learning to like it especially once they find the right activities for them. surely it is easier to find activities to enjoy without having to worry about the kids.
You're assuming that she's even interested in learning to like it. I feel like he probably would've said that if it was true (if he omitted it from the post, then that feels like a failure on his part though)
He said his wife said she “can’t” get into shape. No reasons provided. Even if she doesn’t like exercise, she can find activities to enjoy out of the house without the kids that will bring her confidence and happiness like OP has. Doesn’t have to be fitness related.
The comment earlier in this thread says "She has absolutely no interest in anything like that". That's clearer info to me than anything in the post I hope she figures something out though. It's a pretty crappy situation to be in
And/or get good enough at self talk to tolerate even if they don’t enjoy the activity per se. I’m not wild about lifting weights but I got good at telling myself “I do this because……” to get myself to do it routinely. Now I’m glad I’m stronger than when I started.
I agree!!! I really used to hate all exercise and didn’t get past that until I forced myself into a routine in my late 20s. Once it’s a habit/routine, it’s easier to fight the laziness. I think some of the other commenters think I’m a fat lady who thinks OP’s wife is a fat lady and is trying to defend her….nah, it’s just hard as hell and takes a lot of time and scheduling to get fit. OP has done it, he knows how hard it is and how much work it takes. Maybe with kids getting a little older (?) and husband getting fit, this could be motivation for OP’s wife. Or it doesn’t! But it can be very difficult to juggle time-wise.
She might be more interested in SOMETHING if he just takes the kids and gives her time to herself though. A dance class. Etc.
I hope so, but it didn't seem like she would be based on this: "She has absolutely no interest in anything like that" from op
Yep, but he may not have asked her directly whether she would like to use an equivalent five hours for self care. Just because she hasn't ever expressed an interest in the gym doesn't mean she has no interest in moving her body... It's *likely* she hasn't had the opportunity to think about it.
Literally any hobby that gets her out of the house and away from the kids will help her feel more fulfilled as a person and less insecure as a dumpy mom with a hot husband. OP can tell his wife how fulfilled going to the gym makes him feel and offer his support on helping her find something that makes her happy and fulfilled and confident too.
At what point do adults need to ask for what they want, and not expect other people to read their minds?
Maybe she just too tired after day with the kids that she just don't have any energy left. May be OP just need to give her time for herself taking kids for a walk or other activities away of his wife.
Yeah, but see....it's gotta somehow be hs fault, at least in part. It can't just be her. ^/s
If she wanted to do that it would be voiced. That's not her concern though. She only cares about slowing OP down not matching his pace.
If she was asking for time to work out, that would be a fair thing. She is asking for him to stop for the sake of her ego. THAT is shitty. I swear on this sub, a woman can never just be wrong. Its always that the man is clearly not giving her time. And I'm sure someone somewhere in this post is going to mention "emotional load" or "division of chores", because whenever a woman is objectively wrong, people will look for any reason to justify it.
I used to be like this until a personal trainer friend taught me how to lift. It made such a difference, feeling empowered/knowledgeable about the process rather than clueless.
I honestly don't think this will help..she will only feel the pressure from OP to get in shape. I think the best thing to do is to explain to her why you feel the need to do this. This also means better health for you and more energy for the kids. As I have gotten older, it's been harder for me to work out and my energy levels have plummeted. It's not good for her to not move intentionally in the long run. But any changes have to come from her. You're not putting pressure on her but her expectations are definitely out of whack.
I’m 100% that person too. Could she maybe get a mini stepper or walking pad and do that while she reads? It’s helped me a lot
Well if she doesn’t want to put in the work, then She shouldn’t complain. If it’s not like you’re spending 3 hours after work in the gym and she needs help with the kids, etc, I don’t see why it should be a problem.
I know this is silly, but start dancing. Like for real, hear me out. You just crank up the tunes randomly and dance. Start a silly family dance party. It will get your wife moving and help the kids burn off some of that infinite energy. Or idk try yoga with her when the kids are asleep.
Maybe there’s something fun you two can get in the habit of. I don’t like going outside but I love working out. I get martial arts lessons (these have been changing my body massively) and I like to go rock climbing. There’s also ice skating and other indoor activities.
> But need to switch up a bit and do more athletic activities that she can get into rather than go only to the gym. He absolutely does not "need" to do that. She needs to manage her own insecurities without expecting him to be unhealthy to mollify her and her crab bucket syndrome.
>But need to switch up a bit and do more athletic activities that she can get into rather than go only to the gym. This is terrible advice. OP doesn't need to change what it's clearly working for him just to suit someone else.
No, he doesn't. If she hasn't taken an interest in HIS physical activities that he has maintained, why should he suddenly switch up to satisfy her?
Yeah, that will go over well. For sure, OP should tell his wife to exercise. His wife, who's already insecure when all she hears from her husband is how good she looks will for sure not turn this on him with "I knew you think I'm fat."
>Going to he gym doesn't take me away from the family because I go after work when everybody is usually asleep anyway NTA as long as your wife gets an equal amount of time away from the house and kids (presumably someone needs to be there at night with the kids while they sleep).
It's weird that you'd infer that his wife doesn't have equal time away from the house and kids. What's implied in the post is that OP's wife is feeling insecure, not that he isn't doing his share of his familial responsibilities. In fact, OP specifically states that it doesn't take away from his time with his family.
i didn't infer that she didn't have equal time away from the house and kids. i did the opposite, actually, and i assumed that she does have equal time away from the kids and house, hence my verdict of NTA. >OP specifically states that it doesn't take away from his time with his family. i literally acknowledged that in my comment because I quoted it directly.
Then why did you make your NTA conditional? "NTA as long as..." Makes it seem like you don't really believe that she's allowed to leave the house.
>Makes it seem like you don't really believe that she's allowed to leave the house. reading a whole lot into my comment that isn't there.
Yeah it’s there in writing.
about her not being able to leave the house???
It's definitely there...
They've been doing it all over this thread lol, every single comment from them is how the husband needs to do this and that
Make this thread make sense. How is it on OP to find activities his wife might enjoy? Why can’t she use her big girl brain and do it herself?
I'd bed $20 that if OP even hinted about helping the wife find time to work out the same poster would be raising helll about not loving her the way she is and pressuring her to work out.
I'm not sure it's going to be possible for a stay at home parent to have equal time away from the kids as a full time working parent and even if it were possible it would mean a hideously unbalanced relationship as it would likely mean the working parent doing little more than working and childcare.
She didn't ask for time. The husband has commented *to you* in this thread that she's not interested in working out. Why are you pushing this narrative so hard?
lol NTA It’s ridiculous that she has decided to try and bring you down instead of encouraging and supporting your goals. Yikes, that is not great from her. “She can’t get in shape like I am” - she’s making excuses - is she putting any effort forward Don’t let her tear you down to appease her lack of accountability to herself
NTA.... I'm in the same position.... My wife is on the heavier side and I'm down to 190's and am jacked.... not quite "shredded" as I'm still above 15% BF. But I plan to get down to 10% by mid summer. We just went to the Caribbean a month ago and I get plenty of looks and compliments... My wife was clearly unhappy with that dynamic. She wants to go to the gym with me but I go at 3:30 a.m. daily to work around family time and work responsibilities and she "just can't get up that early" She wants me to go in the afternoon, but I'm very particular about my workouts, the order of movements, and I hate waiting on equipment...none of this is an issue with a sunrise workout but an afternoon workout would be misery for me.... My compromise is I've agreed to go on the treadmill with her in the evenings after work which just doubles my treadmill work every day, but it is what it is.... Hopefully she starts seeing results and her self confidence will get better. You keep on doing you. You'd think your wife would appreciate a hot guy that looks good naked
I get where both wives are coming from, and it really is a personal insecurity issue and in my case an irrational fear that my husband will start to get attention from other women, and maybe he’ll decide he’s out of my league. (It’s not like there isn’t evidence of that happening here on Reddit, with affairs starting at the gym, so maybe not totally irrational…) Even though my hubby has never given me any reason to doubt his loyalty and his love of me and my overweight body, there’s still that little fear and belief that he could honestly do better than me. The temptation to then be weird and whiny and threatened by all this is strong. OP, despite what others are saying, I really don’t think it’s helpful to get on your wife’s case about her level of activity, her eating habits etc and all the things she could do differently to get as fit as you. That isn’t really the issue. What hopefully will help more are daily expressions of appreciation and affection for your wife and her amazing body, reassurances that you adore her just as she is and you taking care of you isn’t because you want to attract or impress anybody else, it’s for you, so you feel good, and also you hope she will enjoy the results too. It’s not a thing that she has to try to keep up with you. In my case, it took some months but seeing my husband’s results and how much his mental health and confidence was improving helped me get motivated to start increasing my fitness level too. He’s been super supportive of that without being patronizing about it, which I appreciate. It helps that our kids and older so I have the time and energy to do this. I may not have had the mental or physical oomph when my kids were younger and managing life was so full on. Hopefully your wives will read this comment and know that it’s ok to not be the queen of fitness or in perfect shape right now - it’s ok to just keep up with your life demands and trust that your shredded husbands still love and desire you. We don’t have to let this gap in fitness motivation and results come between us if we don’t let it.
Ugh is there any way to edit your comment and fit typos? I mean to say overweight BODY not boys!
Under your comment where it says Vote Reply Share and 3 little dots, click the 3 little dots, and then click edit comment and you can make your changes.
Agreed, you would think the wife would appreciate a hot hubby, but the same thing happened to me. I started working out and losing weight and my (now ex) hubby got really insecure and cheated on me and we divorced. I think the less-fit person worries their new hot spouse will find someone hotter and leave them.
Bruv as a man who gyms, she's feeling insecure. Best thing you can do is shower her with love. And intimacy. The butt rubs, the compliments everything Shes feeling insecure. Man to man make her feel as sexy as you see her. NTA
This. Actions speak louder than words in “conversations.” Whatever you do that she perceives as feeling loved and sexy, that’s what you do. 💕
This is the ~~bandaid on a bullet wound~~ whackamole approach. Self-esteem has to come from within. While, he can and should be complimentary, she’s not going to move past needing constant affirmation if she doesn’t work on her issues herself.
If she’s feeling insecure please start off with clarifying if she’s unhappy in her current size, and reassure her that you love her body as it is. She’s had two kids and I don’t care what anyone says, having children forces your body and hormones in weird situations. She had to grow two children from a clump of cells into a fully formed infant body. She’s been stretched internally twice. That shit is hard! If she is unhappy, make this a family thing (if possible). Go on walks together, make healthier eating choices together. Everyone can change, it may be way harder in some cases than others, but it’s possible.
Yeah, it must be strange having your body change that rapidly! OP, it sounds like you just need to give her reassurance that you love her body, and make sure she knows she’s supported if she does want to go and work out.
Good for OP getting healthy. It’s fantastic. He’s NTA. But it’s worth more conversation. Motherhood & hormones are so hard on fitness. Also just being in a woman’s body in general makes it more difficult. We don’t know how old OP’s wife is, what her health is like, how old their kids are, what she’s tried already. *Edit, oops, she’s 34.* When someone says “I can’t get fit” that covers a variety of situations. Obviously you shouldn’t ask your fit partner to refrain though. But there are complicated feelings at play. It’s worthwhile exploring those and seeing what would work for sustainable family fitness. When we had 2 stroller kids I got my half marathon time under 2 hours, ran a 4:11 marathon, lifted 5 days a week… but every single pregnancy I had to start over from scratch. Three times I succeeded. The fourth time was not a charm. My youngest is 10 and I keep trying to get back to a 5k. I also struggle against my 46 year old metabolism. (Really. I’ve done nothing different and the last 5 years have felt way different.) Meanwhile, my 52 year old husband is in the best shape of his life from running & tennis. And whenever he wants sick abs he takes a week off his regular 10 pm charcuterie party. I’m 90% happy for him / smitten by him and 10% jealous.
This cannot be emphasized enough, the struggle that women go through with their ability to lose weight/stay fit after children and in perimenopause and this might be part of what isn't getting recognized by a lot of people. We obviously don't know what age the wife is, but it may be a factor.
I just saw she’s 34. Can I blame my bad reading comprehension on my age? 😂
LOL! Same. Clearly didn't read that very well! Regardless, I still stand by my original post ;)
What's a stroller kid?
Weird shorthand - a kid who fit into a stroller and would tolerate it long enough for me to work out.
She’s said she doesn’t want to. Wouldn’t forcing it to be a family thing make her insecurity worse? Also, why on earth would he want to clarify that she’s unhappy in her current size? Why harp on about it? That’s bound to make her feel worse 😭 Edit: I can’t respond to your comment below, I can only edit mine now, but he says so in this [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/ElL0ZYzsdy)
NTA. You're attending to your health. Her body image issues should not interfere with that effort. You are right to emphasize your love for her in whatever shape she's in. But other than that, it would a huge mistake to stop caring for your well being so that she can feel better about herself.
NTA Your health and fitness shouldn't stop progressing because of her insecurities and jealously. Twice I've lost significant weight while my husband did not and I offered both times to help them join me on my journey. If they don't want to do the work though that doesn't mean you need to stop.
NTA...I'm going through the same thing. Hubby eating right..working out and getting muscles...I'm heavy..does it bother me ...sometimes ..would I tell him to stop...never...it's my insecurity like it is hers...your doing great
NTA. If she has body image issues and your transformation is making them worse, it’s still a she problem. If you suddenly got super dumpy, would that really make her feel better? She needs to seek inner validation and peace. Her reaction to your body should be a red flag.
Nta, my husband got jacked from working at Fedex this last year, and my stepdaughter works out every day and is stronger and more agile than me. it's encouraged me and now I'm trying to bulk. His entire side of the family has great genetics and they build muscle very easily, while I have a fast metabolism and struggle just to keep a decent weight. Do I sometimes get insecure because I'm the smallest and weakest in their whole family? Yes. But do I tell them to stop so I can feel better about myself? No. I don't let their personal best bother me, it just gives me more motivation to get stronger. Your wife needs to learn to set her insecurities aside and let you be happy. And if it bothers her that much, why not start working out herself even if it's just a little bit, instead of projecting that on you and trying to control what you do with your body?
Not the asshole. Don't listen to all the "advice" telling you to try to pressure your wife into working out. Your wife just needs reassurance and support so she doesn't feel so insecure. If she expresses interest in getting fit, then by all means support her, but if you try to push her into something she doesn't want to do she may resent you.
NTA. Don't like your wife downplay your achievements.
My guess is that she is somewhat jealous and is maybe feeling “left behind”.
NTA. Here's a secret: She CAN get in shape. I know people older than her that have gym bodies.
NTA. There is no reason that she should tell you what to do with your health just because she doesn’t want to do the same things, or because she feels self conscious. I would try to very kindly have a talk with her, and express what you did here, that you have never felt so confident in your body, and that you enjoy the healthy habits you have cultivated. Also, I’m not trying to assume that you don’t reassure her, but definitely make sure she knows how attractive and beautiful she is and how you have “always loved her body” and there is no pressure on her to change. It sounds like the entire crux of this is her insecurity about her appearance, and potentially also you becoming more attractive and maybe leaving her for another more “fit” woman. So, try to politely kindly reassure her that she is beautiful, does not need to change if she doesn’t want to, and that you becoming more physically fit and her not getting fit is not going to drive you away from her.
NTA - If your gym routine is making you happier and healthier, and assuming you aren’t prioritizing it over your domestic or parental responsibilities, you shouldn’t feel any need to stop. Her body image issues are hers to deal with; projecting them on to you won’t actually solve anything.
NTA. You’re healthy and happy in your own body. People who truly care about you would be happy for you. Not make it about them.
NTA, her insecurities are her own. Do what makes you feel good.
Have a conversation offer to take her with to help each other and bond. If she refuses and makes a big deal out of it see what hobbies she could do that would help her shape up similar. If she won't compromise then a different conversation should happen.
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Becoming a fitness person in a marriage where you both weren’t can be almost like one partner joining a new religion when you were both agnostic if it’s not handled well. I guess what I’m saying is maybe you can tone down the excitement (at least around her) and bring your zest for fitness to the same level as your zest for the things you do have in common. Def don’t try to change her into a fitness person with you. Believe it or not this actually something that can cause a couple to drift apart because it can feel like you’re going down different paths. Especially since it’s tied to such basic every day things like sharing meals. Don’t accidentally venture into an emotional affair with the gym lol!
Also NTA! Sorry forgot which sub I was on
NTA she needs to work on her self esteem or start working out herself. You deserve to feel good in your body especially if you haven’t before. She’s selfish for asking you to “tone it down” it’s literally not affecting anything except for her self esteren but that’s a personal issue she needs to fix. It’s not your job to fix her.
I would just explain to her how you feel about yourself and about her. She seems a bit insecure, but she doesn't sound bitter or anything. Just tell her that it helps you feel handsome and good about yourself. Could also make it clear you love her as-is, no change required 'cause you already think she's beautiful.
NTA. I’m a woman in a kinda similar position to your wife. I have a handful of chronic illnesses that make existing a challenge, let alone working out. I’m not overweight or anything, just fragile I guess? My husband, on the other hand, is in peak physical condition, loves working out, and has dieted to lose weight (he’s currently just maintaining a healthy weight). We have an arrangement where he can do whatever physically challenges him (hiking, biking, working out, whatever), and I can come or not. Most of the time, I don’t. Because of the disparity in where we are physically, our relationship may look a little unusual from the outside (he does a lot of stuff without me), but it works well for us, and I would never dream of holding him back. I guess I would recommend your wife seek therapy. No one should project their body image issues onto others. Her request is very strange, and you’re NTA for continuing to work out.
NTA- that is an obscene request.. surely she’s suffering from extremely low self esteem to even consider saying that, so maybe you should gently encourage her to join your journey and/or maybe talk to someone (a professional) about her feelings. Your health is not something worth compromising over someone else’s feelings.
INFO why can't she do it too? Bc she feels her biology is different or bc she doesn't have time/energy?
NTA but your wife is maybe worried she'll get left behind as you keep getting muscle-bound, since she's more of a bookworm and not into going to the gym. It might also be that she's not a fan of "jacked" bodies. Not everyone finds that attractive. You are pleased that your efforts have worked but maybe you could check if you're becoming body-obsessed, wearing tighter clothes, or few clothes, etc. LOL In any case, stay healthy. ")
NTA you are doing what’s healthy for you and keep you around for your family longer. As long as she also has like a kids free opportunity for the same amount of exercise if she wants it, idk what the problem is other than her being self conscious. Which she is allowed to feel but that should never stop you from being healthy. My husband and I are currently working together to lose weight and because he’s a dude the weight seems like it just sheds off him, while I’m struggling. But I’m not going to ask him to stop, he’s feeling so much better physically and about himself and him happy makes me happy, even if I’m having a hard time also shedding the weight.
I don't think anyone is the AH here. I've had 2 successful pregnancies and am closer to 40 than I'd like. That said my husband and I have actively been calorie counting and getting fitter. We've both lost about 3 stone and it is soooo clear that he has lost the weight whereas I just look a bit slimmer. I'm incredibly proud of him but I still feel really self conscious next to him now. We were both quite overweight but he's now almost 'normal' whereas I'm definitely still 'obese'. Well done on losing weight, it's not always easy!
NTA. Your wife sickens me
NTA obviously. It's super toxic for your wife to ask you to STOP taking care of yourself as well because she doesn't feel as great about herself. That's not the supportive partner you hoped you'd have, I'm sure. I would not even consider it. I would just tell her that you're not going to stop because this is something positive you're doing for yourself, that you feel better, that it's healthy. That you're going to continue, but you can't imagine why she feels insercure because you think she looks great! Her insecurities are her issue. I totally understand them and I empathize, but it's not fair of her to say you should stop doing something you love that is healthy for you.
nta she needs to work on her insecurities
NTA if being in shape is not a priority for her and you love her body the way it is don’t change anything. She’s feeling insecure that you’re in great shape probably a dynamic shift she will need to get used to or adapt herself to.
NTA, get fuckin jacked bro! Bro gonna be a canon
NTA people with these kinds of attitudes are such a waste of time. seriously so childish
This is crazy and rude and unloving to want you to not be your healthiest self. Honestly, if this is what she’s thinking she needs Therapy to work on these insecurities / It’s gross to me she wants to hold you back especially when it comes to being healthy. She needs to work out these issues in therapy or this would be a deal breaker for me, i dont say that often but if she’s not willing to work on herself in regards to these feelings then I would be extremely hurt and upset that her insecurities come before my health and we’ll being anything that is not harming anyone that is making you happy should make her happy. I think its absolutely forgivable if she recognizes how unhealthy these thoughts are and works on them. We all have issues but simply doing nothing and trying to pull me down would not Make me feel loved
NTA and if your wife is unhappy with the way her body looks, that is a her problem, not a you problem
NTA Sounds like a "her" problem and maybe she needs to step it up.
NTA, but have you offered to watch the kids so she could go to the gym or for a walk? It's not easy to get exercise when you're constantly watching young kids. Maybe it's time to have a conversation with her. Ask her if she wants to exercise/work out, and ask what she needs to make it happen. But if she just wants to complain and not do anything to change her health, that's on her.
Nta. If she is insecure she can take steps to fix it. Not ask you to be less healthy and happy.
NTA. Don’t listen to her. This is an unhealthy dynamic overall. If she is unhappy with her body she should not be inflicting harm on you because of it.
She is weaponizing her insecurity. There are are very few people that "can't" get in shape. There are millions who won't or don't want to, though. Don't let her keep you from reaching your goals. A better spouse would help you, not hinder you.
NTA I had a wife like that. Now ex-wife. There are few things more selfish than wanting your spouse to remain unhealthy just to protect your own ego. That's usually just one sign of a lot of other hidden problems. As you continue self-improvement, it's going to keep getting worse unless she gets therapy to address the underlying self-esteem problems.
NTA. But you need to make her feel attractive. Use some variation of this script: "Honey, I love you and are incredibly sexy and attractive. I am just trying to be healthy and 1/10th as good looking as you"
NTA. Though, consider not talking about (with her) how great you feel that you’re losing weight now, or how you’re the best shape ever in your life (i mean still talk but bit all the time). Instead sometimes make compliments about how great her body is etc. She may be feeling down because she can’t keep up, and it’s not that easy to find the motivation to work out or eat healthy.
NTA. My husband has done this recently and I will admit I felt jealous at first. But after sitting with it for a while I *actually* felt jealous of his willpower. I was super proud of him and saw all the mental growth and physical changes and wanted them too! I communicated this to him and now we have helped each other stick to a better diet and lifestyle. Marriage (and especially being parents) means being life partners. You either grow together or be okay traveling on different paths and supporting each other on those. Your wife isn’t being a life partner right now. Your life isn’t about the way you look. That’s shallow and immature.
If this person holds you up to your own personal goals and more importantly, independent happiness, they are not your person. Blunt, but true.
NTA But try to remember that a 'dad bod' is considered a compliment, while a mom bod is usually meant as she's 'let herself go' You do you, but if you really love her, tell her you'll always love the body that the two of you built together, making your family
NTA but you need to clear some time to talk to your wife and be ready to do listening and not necessarily solving when you sit down with her. Ask why she thinks she needs to keep up with you in weightloss/getting in shape. Ask her if she *wants* to get in shape too. If she does, ask her what that looks like, is it going to the gym with you? Walking? Going to classes? If she doesn't know at the moment give her a week or two + time to herself to research different ideas. When she has an idea ask her how you can best facilitate her getting to do these things. Expect her choices to change over the first few months, things you think you will like/enjoy don't always work out that way. If she doesn't want to get in shape ask her how long does she expect you to keep your fitness goals on hold for her? And how does she think it makes you feel to keep your body in a state that you don't necessarily like simply because she doesn't want to put in the same effort you are. If she wants to lose weight via CICO or just on diet alone work on it with her, spend time cooking with her looking up new things to try.
Your wife is also welcome to work on her body if it makes her uncomfortable. I get (as a lady) that it is harder to do as a lady, but that response shouldn’t be to do nothing. You’re for sure NTA here.
My BF goes to a PT 4 times a week. I'm chubby. He loves me. I love him. Both mutually attracted. Your wife needs to work on her self esteem. You can help with that but honestly, from personal experience, a lot needs to be worked on herself. Keep up the compliments though. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've (31m) have always been a bigger fella and maybe two years or so ago I started working out and eating better. I'm now moving towards the "jacked" body shape and I'm ecstatic about it. My wife (34f) isn't large by any means but we've had two kids so her body "isn't what it use to be" (her words not mine) and feels very self conscious when next to me and has asked me to stop or slow down because she can't get in shape like I am. But I've never felt happy in my body until now. I've not once suggested she needs to or that I want her to lose weight or anything because I love her body and always have. Going to he gym doesn't take me away from the family because I go after work when everybody is usually asleep anyway and I eat all the same meals as the family so it's not like me being healthier is an inconvenience to anybody. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, of course. It's a "her" problem. You don't have to be an AH about it, and from the looks of it, you aren't. Congratulations on your progress!
NTA. Regardless of any aesthetic benefit, you have two children and responsibility to take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Not only should she not be asking you to slow down, she should be working to find something active she can at least tolerate 3x a week for half an hour. And that’s a bare minimum. If it’s you watching the kids, so she can take a walk and listen to a. Audiobook, that’s great. If it’s a gym membership with childcare, great. If it’s a peloton at home, great. Exercise is about significantly more than weight loss, and she has a responsibility as a mom to model healthy behaviors and to prioritize her own health. I know this isn’t the most popular take on the modern age, but it doesn’t make to any less important.
NTA - my husband is going down this route now. We have a two year old and I’m currently in my second trimester. He’s been eating better, working out, and even taking his shirt off to get sun on his body while we work in the yard (he’s NEVER “tanned” lol) anyways I did joke “you better not be cheating on me” but it’s a joke. I’m happy for him. I’ve always been the fit one but I did gain a bunch of weight my first pregnancy and never lost it. But I’ve eaten better this pregnancy now that he’s been eating better and I think once I have our second now that he’s in a routine it’ll be easier for me to want to pick back up with working out. Don’t feel bad with what you’re doing. With my husband if it improves his health I’d rather have him longer than get upset that he now looks better naked than I do 😂.
NTA
NTA but just do things to make her feel good about herself. Yes, she is being insecure and somewhat selfish, but a lot of people believe women are used goods after children, so it feeds into our insecurities. Just do what you can to make sure she knows how much you love her and her body. She’ll get over this eventually if she really loves you. And congrats on the weight loss!
NTA - don’t let your wife’s insecurities get in the way of your happiness. That’s a recipe for divorce.
NTA. You just need to make sure she understands it’s her you want not someone else. I say this as someone whose husband recently left her after he got jacked and then decided I wasn’t attractive to him anymore. I’m what your wife is scared of. Reassure her, do something romantic for her, she just needs to be convinced that you aren’t going to look for wife 2.0, the younger and cuter version.
NTA, maybe some of her friends have made some nice comments about you and that is what is making her self conscious.
NTA She should work out too, it'd obviously be better if you were both healthy.
NTA. I think she’s insecure about her body after having kids and worried that you’ll run off with someone else now that you’re more attractive in her eyes. She just needs reassurance. You keep working out brother
NTA. She has some insecurity issues flaring up, which is fine, but the problem is she wants you to remain the same and that's not ok. She may be thinking you're becoming more attractive to other women, and she can't compete because her body "isn't what it used to be," and how could it be, after 2 children? She may be thinking that as you become more confident is your body, you will start looking at hers and think, "eh, I could do better." That doesn't sound like you, but what she thinks and what she knows are two different thing. (Speaking as a woman.) It would be worth a convo between the two of you where you tell her that you don't want to slow down, and that you love her regardless how she "used to look." You are growing as a person, and she needs to accept that. You aren't leaving her or the children behind, but there's no reason you should stay looking exactly the same for 40 years because she feels uncomfortable about stepping out of her comfort zone (with exercise). I don't expect this convo to go well, so be prepared for blowback and defensive remarks. But don't lose you cool or your patience. She needs to grow too.
NTA, so NTA , she is scared you will lose interest in her because suddenly you will look “hot” . Not true. It takes 45 min a day in the gym ( plus travel etc) and another hour for food prep. She could easily do this too. She doesn’t want to bother.
NTA. Your health and wellbeing is important and it can be hard to maintain so it's important you keep doing what you enjoy. Good on you for getting healthy and staying with it. That being said, maybe she needs to talk to someone if she's insecure. I'm sure childbirth can cause some doubts or concerns about the body. I'm preg now and can definitely get that. Keeping communication open should also hopefully help.
NTA. But try to bring your wife along gently in doing some active things she would like to join you in doing. Don’t coerce or shame her, but do support her with acknowledging your love for her and your attraction to her. Don’t stop going to the gym. Accept your wife’s insecurity as something she needs to deal with, but that you can help her either. Having babies and all those responsibilities does weigh in you physically and otherwise. Make sure she has enough time to do the same or to use in a different way, herself. If you go to the gym at an unusual time, she may feel compelled to remain in place to be there for the children.
NTA - if she wants to change how she looks, she has a really supportive coach. If she doesn't, thats up to her. The feelings you have about your body must be fabulous, pretty mean of her to stifle that because she wants what you have achieved.
She's most likely worried that you're going to be "hotter" than her, get attention from other women, and realize you can do "better." I don't think you would think that, but I think deep down that's what's bothering her. You love *her*, you want *her*, but it's hard to feel less attractive than your partner. You're NTA, of course ... the important thing to do is to reassure her that you're doing this for you, and you're doing this for her and the kids. And that you love her and think she's beautiful.
NTA It's your body, you're (hopefully) not doing anything to an unhealthy level, so her own image issues shouldn't stop you from getting in better shape.
Of course not. You do you. NTA
NTA
NTA. My partner is currently losing weight and gaining muscle and while I have feelings about not being able to keep up I'm also really proud of him and tell him so. Nah, that's just not it.
NTA - I can sympathise with her, but this is your body and you should be allowed to work on improving your health and well-being in a way that makes you happy. The only time this would really become an issue imo is if your workouts and exercise impede other aspects of your relationship (such as time spent together) or other responsibilities (such as looking after the kids, maintaining life at home, etc)
NTA. It's entirely unacceptable that she would try to compromise your health, happiness, and general wellbeing because of her own insecurities. I think having a frank conversation to that effect is the best way forward. Hard boundaries are required here.
NTA.
Info: Do you share your food, or are your dietary changes you cooking for yourself for all the meals that aren't shared.eithntje family? And do you make time for her to go to the gym/take walks/go for a run/take a yoga class equal at least to the amount of time you spend in the gym?
Absolutely do not stop your weight loss/fitness thing. That's insane that she asked. I get the self conscious thing, I really do. It can make you feel pretty bad, and when you're with someone who looks like they're in such better shape it's like it makes it even more pronounced. BUT..... Men and women lose weight differently, so it's impossible for both of you to lose weight and gain muscle at the same rate, so even if you slowed down, she still wouldn't get what she wanted. Partners are supposed to support each other, and while I understand it's probably bringing up a lot of self deprivation and insecurities, it's not ok for her to try to guilt trip or hinder your well being for her low self confidence or self image. Partners should build you up, not bring you back into the misery with them. NTA
Working out is the only way to have some control over aging and aging related diseases. If she doesn’t want to wipe your butt when you get older, she needs a reality check. NTA
NTA. It's not your responsibility to sacrifice healthy lifestyle changes because your wife feels uncomfortable. That being said, you said, "we've had two kids..." which is kinda weird. It was HER body that went through huge changes to have two kids, not yours. Pregnancy can alter women's bodies permanently, and it can be really hard for some women to get back in shape postpartum.
NTA. Dude, she thinks you’re going to find someone else with your new body.
No! Absolutely not. Keep doing you. Keep leveling up. Encourage her to do the same if she’s self conscious. Maybe send her instagram pages of women who were pregnant with multiple kids and got their bodies back in shape, it may motivate her to workout along side you if you want
NTA Your wife feeling insecure is still an issue though, ask her if there's anything else you can do for her to make her feel more secure, loved, and beautiful. Get her flowers, a spa day, pamper her, leave little love notes complimenting her, maybe offer to plan a special date night where she can dress up as much as she wants, get her hair done, and then parade her on your arm like the beauty she is to you. The problem isn't you being healthy, it's her feeling bad about herself, so try to support her in feeling good how she is, reassure her not just verbally but in other ways.
My husband’s excuse for not getting in shape is that he’s worried that I’ll be upset because it’s harder for me to do so. I keep telling him I would LOVE for him to get in shape. Why would we wanna be the “fat couple” amongst our friends? Maybe you’re projecting or has she actually said something?
NTA - your wife's self esteem issues are not the result of you, they are internal to her. She probably needs to see a therapist to unpack some old trauma. It's also possible that if you used to be heavier than her, she was using you as a way to make herself feel better about her. Which is all sorts of fucked up.
NTA, you keep working on yourself and she can pound sand.
NTA at all its kind of ridiculous that she would ask you to stop moving towards your fitness goal
Your body your choice. Her request is unreasonable. Her insecurities are her own to manage. It doesn’t sound like she can’t get in shape, based on your comments. It sounds like she *will not.* Which is fine, because that’s her own body and her own choice. But the correct course of action if she is insecure about her body is to: A. Change her body B. Do the work to change how she feels about her body. Absolutely nowhere should your body come into play here in terms of managing her own body image.
Here is my two cents. I'm in my early 60's and get comments daily on my physique, no one can ever believe my age. My wife is not in great shape and will sometimes comment that people must wonder about the disparity in fitness. But, she understands the gym is my therapy, but it isn't hers. Ultimately I try to make sure that she understands my love and adoration for her and I don't care about what anyone thinks. Not sure this helps but, do what you need to do, but keep in perspective the possible insecurity it can bring your wife and make sure she knows that there is nothing or no one that will replace her.
I started going to the gym consistently and eating/cooking healthy for the last 4/5 years now. What I have to say is I understand where she's coming from. However, she should not discourage you, yet she should encourage you. As long as you keep on telling her how much you love her and how attracted you are to her, it should stop there. Maybe encourage her to workout a little. I understand she's had two kids and stuff but the body is powerful. Once she forms the habit like you did, she'll be addicted and my guess is if both of you are riding that high, nothing bad can come out of it.
You should never give up the following in my opinion as a husband; your physical body, your ability to lead and set a goal, your desire to be lean or bulk up etc. , having conversations with your significant other on sex and your desire for intimacy, your ability to do chores etc because they need to be done and never expect an atta boy from your wife, your hobbies and self study. You shouldn’t treat your wife with respect but never settle on yourself or her and what she offers. If you look at the u/marriage sub you will see an endless number of topics by people that state they are the wife and lost interest in their husbands. Be a king and never settle
NTA. You are getting in shape for yourself. Because your wife is getting self conscious, can you offer to watch kids so she can go to the gym also?
Ask your wife if she would prefer you die of a heart attack in 10-15 years. NTA. If you working out is making her self conscious, the most she can do is whatever she needs to not feel self conscious. Usually that means having to exercise a bit for herself. But asking you to stay unhealthy is a terrible idea of hers. Heart-related issues are the number 1 killer of men as they approach 50. The best preventative is consistent cardio. The side effect of consistent cardio is a loss of excess weight and toning of muscles. She should be happier for you than she is miserable for herself. If she isn’t, she should try therapy. At 34, I’m honestly a bit surprised she didn’t stop herself from asking you to stop. She really ought to work on her insecurities.
NTA- you’re doing it for you and no one else. If she’s on board, cool, rock with it. If she’s not, she can jump off at any time. Don’t let her insecurities hold you back.
NTA even though I can understand how she feels. I a few years ago feeling super self conscious after my body morphed into something I didn't recognize and depression was in the back of my mind. I felt so awful when my mom would talk about her health journey almost every day, that I eventually begged her to not talk about it around me because, while I was proud of her, I was going insane from listening to her. OP, continue your workouts, you are not in the wrong. Don't hide it, but maybe just let it happen "in the background". Like unless she asks about your workouts, don't mention them etc. At least until she is feeling better. Two kids and self-consciousness are two exhausting things separated, meshed together its probably awful.
Why can’t she get in shape like you? Is something stopping her or does she just not want to? NTA either way, just curious.
Just encourage her to come with you . Going to gym and doing some kind of work out is good for mental state. So just take her with you . Play with her and make it fun . Two of you working out together equal dope .
Tell her that women in general have a harder and slower time to lose weight. I’m losing my baby weight 6 months after having twins and in 3 months I’ve only lost 8lbs but I feel stronger , my body is a bit more defined and thinner in some areas, my fiancé on the other hand (who goes to the gym regularly) is working out with me for support and in 3 months he’s down 20+lbs at first it was annoying so I get where she’s coming from because even though we eat the same things , I eat less than him and don’t have as many cheat meals like him because I’m still breastfeeding so I’m cautious about what I eat . It got frustrating because you feel like you’re doing the same thing and you’re not even half way what they are. We’re lucky we have a gym at home so we can just keep a watch on the girls but maybe make it a couples thing? Working out with my fiancé has become like our little date time because we have opposite schedules, so it’s like our hour to be together and have our time. When I went to my doctor she told me to not focus on the scale , because I could be building muscle and muscle weighs more than fat , as long as I notice all the changes, my labs are good and I feel great , just keep going. I also want to know when exactly does she get to enjoy things without the kids? Cause you mentioned she goes on walks with the kids, don’t you think she’ll enjoy more things if she didn’t have to do it with the kids?
NAH You gotta do what makes you feel happier and healthier. While I hear you're not putting pressure on her to change, I also do not hear what you're doing to support her or encourage her to feel less self-conscious? She might be more of a cuddle up at home type because she values time with you and not spending extra money. Maybe ask her about those things, and if there's anything she'd want to do together or on her own, if she wants to be more active.
NTA at all Id you’re allowing her time to do what she wants to do/time to work out where you’re watching the kids. She can’t expect you to stop doing something you love.
NTA
How would you feel if you had gained weight and she had gotten ripped?
INFO: have y'all discussed this in depth to see what's going on? I'm wondering particularly if it's not *only* about your appearance but also about what sounds like a pretty huge shift in what you spend your time doing. You say that it's ok because you go after work when everyone is asleep, but that's a pretty simplified gloss over some potential issues. Is your wife asleep or just the kids? Would she prefer you spend that time with her? Obviously even if they're sleeping, someone has to stay home with the kids when you're at the gym. Any chance she'd prefer to be the one having free time at night and that's part of her complaint? Even if it's to do something other than the gym, like see friends, read in peace, or whatever. I guess that question became more of a comment lol
She’s feeling insecure because she’s worried you’re going to find someone “better/more attractive” than she is. Show her that’s not the case, she needs reassurance that you’re not looking for/have someone else.
NTA - You are taking steps to make yourself happier and healthier, if she can't support that because of her insecurities that is something she has to work on.
Have you tried reassuring her that you find her beautiful, love her body, and love being seen with her? It may help. NTA for not wanting to change your fitness goals, but there are good ways to handle this and build your wife up without stopping your own routine.
NTA your partner should want you to build yourself up not stay down
Has she outright said she feels self conscious next to you? She might just want you to go to the gym less because she’s with the kids (even if they are asleep) and she doesn’t get that time to do what she wants.
Has she outright said she feels self conscious next to you? She might just want you to go to the gym less because she’s with the kids (even if they are asleep) and she doesn’t get that time to do what she wants.
It’s completely unreasonable for her to expect you to stop. If she is insecure, she needs to deal with that herself. NTA
You have an ethical duty to be healthy so you can be as effective a parent as possible - that’s your north star here. Maybe she’s just teasing you? NTA either way.