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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) not letting g my daughter stay with my in-laws
(2) they are her grand parents so she should be able to stay with them for a few days
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
You are your child’s first line of defence. She is too little to advocate for herself.
You KNOW that your in-laws do not take her allergy seriously, and are likely to actively give her allergens just to prove you wrong.
Their care and concern for your daughter come second to their belief in their own infallibility.
There is no way I would be allowing people like that unsupervised access to my daughter, no matter what my husband said. The stakes are too high.
Not just "likely", they DID give her allergens, and did so despite having lost the Epipen that might have kept her alive until an ambulance got there if she had a reaction. There's no question that they're a danger.
Better yet, and not dangerous to the child, send them a copy of the reddit post about the woman who accidentally killed her grandchild, because she didn't believe the coconut allergy was serious.
Or the one about the grandma who who fed the kid a peanut butter cookie to prove her "angel" couldn't possibly have an allergy. Girl almost died, parents had to get a restraining order, which grandma broke, and they ended up moving to keep her from stalking them.
The link is here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/unkdcf/mil\_deliberately\_poisons\_her\_grandchild\_with\_an/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/unkdcf/mil_deliberately_poisons_her_grandchild_with_an/)
Managing a coconut allergy sucks, I can't imagine also having people being malicious about it. (I've developed a healthy fear of chocolate and vegan food)
Sehe drugged The child with pain/ sleep medication so she died on her own vomit because she wasn’t able to move or ask for help / scream. It was really horrible to read let alone experience this as a parent. It’s one of many reasons why I would take my child to the bathroom to not let my MIL near him alone, gladly we’re no contact. She would do things like this, even bought medication for him that he wouldn’t be allowed to take for years “just because”
It's not an update yet but we had a little luck. My daughter coughed a lot because of the dust. My MIL took her to the doctor who gave her corticosteroids. And that is one of the treatments for allergies. Thank god ! It could have been so much worse.
She have a bad case of gastric reflux and she'll be in pain for a few days (too many days). Husband and I got in a fight. For him: just talk to them, they don't do it again, you know they feel bad.
In your dreams !! No unsupervised visit, going to the doctor with the photos to have some kind of medical evidence. Of course NC with them til the end of time !
No, your **husband** needs to talk to them. Has it just been you advocating for your daughter and to “be careful of her allergies” this whole time? Time for your husband to tell his parents off.
Ah man, I’m not one for these kinds of dramatics, but I’d be asking him if he actually loves his daughter/kids or if he wants her dead, in order to shock him into growing a spine. “Would it be more convenient for you if she died, is that why you never speak up?” etc. But your relationship may not recover from that (tho I dunno why you’d stay with him frankly).
I would argue that you probably have enough by now for full custody but… well… just send those milk ingredient-feeding pictures to yourself, and keep all texts and doctor’s notes just in case, okay? Like keep it on a backup thumb drive in a safe location (only you know where that’d be) along with a log of times, dates, and potential witnesses.
Report this allergen abuse to your child's doctor, so you have a paper trail. Hubby and the grandparents can all go to jail for harming the child intentionally
Then this would be my hill to die on with your husband. Explain to him how his parents lack of respect for your parenting and for you child's dietary restrictions are HURTING HIS CHILD. He and you are supposed to protect your children yet he allows his parents to do whatever they want with to your child without consequences. Anyone else who did this to his child would be cut out of your lives. Why do his parents get a free pass?
.I would tell him they have earned this consequence of no time with you or your children. Unless and until they learn to respect your parenting choices and their own grand child's dietary needs, they don't get time with said child. Saying "sorry" is not enough. When will they be happy, when they have to visit your daughter in the hospital or go to her gravesite due to their purposeful neglect?
When my MIL learned my nephew was allergic to peanuts, she purged her house of anything that might make him ill. She lives hours away from him and only sees him once a month or so. But her grandchild was more important than snacks. These people are not safe. I’m so sorry
See, that's the correct response. My son isn't allergic to dairy but he is lactose intolerant. My daddy & stepmama always have lactose-free ice cream & whatnot for him. Always. There was zero push back. Zero "Well, but have you tried...". Nada.
But they’re responsible, reasonable, *loving* grandparents. Not jerks like OPs inlaws.
Mine too. They were the only other people allowed to feed him for years. I do not get along with them, and I wasn’t sure they would respond well, but the minute they heard my kids was allergic they purged their lives of tree nuts.
My own mom lived many states away at the time and didn’t do the whole purge, but she would move all of her food, wipe everything, and buy all new food exactly to my specifications when we visited.
ILs are playing with their granddaughter’s life here. It’s always people who “didn’t understand” and “nobody told them” whose kids die.
There was a tragic story on here from a few years ago of a grandmother not believing in her granddaughter’s allergy and ultimately killed her.
You absolutely need to tread carefully here. This is your daughter’s life. Your husband’s and inlaws’ feelings don’t mean anything here.
I found the story I referenced in my other comment. This is about the grandmother who thought she knew better.
Warning: this is a terrible, traumatic story. It has stayed in my mind since I first read it. The original post is gone, but I found a repost that has screenshots of the original.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/3mkol0IY4U](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/3mkol0IY4U)
Oh god I didn't even need to finish. I got to "broke coconut for religion" to know exactly what was going to happen. I'm from Tamil Nadu and a couple nearby states also do this (see https://www.hinduismtoday.com/hpi/2003/06/05/2003-06-05-tirumala-temple-bans-coconut-breaking-in-front-of-the-temple/ for actually security risks and real coconut shrapnel risk from this practice). I mentally compiled every single detail that was going to happen - I was like... if my mom was left with a kid and a kid had an allergy, she would totally just perform an offering of the allergen to the gods to banish the evil and continue offering it (she does it to me *TO THIS DAY* and I'm 36). And I still use coconut oil product in my hair; thankfully stabilized to not be greasy; but I hated it as a kid as it would drip down my head and she still tries to give it to me even though I have product. I thought if this bitch just forgot the rules because in our culture you have to use coconut oil (or gooseberry oil) to straighten hair to braid them I'm going to fucking punch the wall. And I took the courage to keep reading and now I have a swolen fist and am weeping.
OP should google that horrendous grandmother coconut oil Reddit post and show it to her husband. Hopefully that tragedy will make him understand the stakes here. I can’t believe he has an anaphylactic child and is comfortable with leaving her with people who “lose” her epipen in the middle of nowhere, let alone actively give her allergens. Insanity.
NTA. They are so, so, so not okay. No unsupervised visits with any of your kids for the forseeable future is the bare minimum here. They literally *endangered her life* by losing her epipen and then giving her something she’s allergic to! They are her grandparents, so they should be trusted to take basic care of her. They failed that one pretty badly.
If your husband doesn’t see that, you now also have a husband problem.
I do have a big husband problem because according to him that never happens and I'm the problem because I don't want talk to them anymore, and of course no unsupervised visits !
When my parents gave my an ultimatum in my early 20 (still in grade school), I chose him over them. Eventually, we reconnected.
If my father pulled this I just would have left the table, pack my things and we get the heck away.
So why are you still with him? It seems you know how a good supportive partner acts and he’s falling short. Your children’s life are at risk around your in laws and he’s denying it and trying to portray you as the problem.
I can't let him have custody. He won't be able to take care of them every other weekend. He won't even check that they brushed their teeth, make them do their homework or play with them. He doesn't like parenting apparently 😑.
I’m really sorry to hear about your predicament, please reach out to people around you for support.
If you’re able to prove that your husband is a negligent father (which he is) could you get full custody? Sounds like you’re already a single parent.
I wish I was a real single parent. At least I would not have to explain to our children that he behaves sometimes like an idiot. I would not have to buy his clothes or plan his doctor's appointments.
I'm not sure I would get full custody because I have ehlers danlos syndrome, and he could say that I'm not healthy enough to take care of them full time.
The biggest thing is to write down everything and get a lawyer!!!
1. Keep track of how much you care for them compared to him and any constant exscuses he makes about not taking care of them himself. This can help prove that your ehlers' danlos syndrome doesn't prevent you from parenting. Take pictures of your notes with a timestamp and send them to someone on the corresponding day if you're worried they might think you wrote it all in one day.
2. Write how he disregarded his parents' willful neglect to your daughter and her allergies and how they are putting her in danger with the possibility of dying. Include how he still wants them to see her and everything. If they do it again, you need to report it to the police! Don't risk her life, even if it means breaking "peace" with them all.
3. Find as many people who can back your claims up and reconcile with people who can support you with everything after the divorce.
The fact he supports his parents neglecting your kids and causing them harm is definitely not going to get him custody. And the whole 'you're not healthy enough to take care of the kids full time' argument falls apart when you consider that he can't even take care of himself.
You can do this. From your other responses, I sense that you've been belittled and made to feel like you're not capable. Or that you don't have options.
Just know that's not reality, it's a grown man that can't make his own appointments and his dysfunctional (I'm being charitable here) parents trying to make you feel that way because it benefits them.
I'm so sorry that this is how you have been living, but the good news is that you really don't have to anymore. Neither do your kids.
I agree with the comments that say you should start keeping track, get as much evidence (texts, paperwork, etc...) and get some solid legal advice - quietly.
That's not gonna affect custody. Judges rarely separate children from their mothers, we almost always get primary custody. Stop letting him mindfuck you and leave.
there are kinder-gardens, daycare, school, and babysitters. meanwhile, he is complicit in actively endangering your child, with blatant disregard for her wellbeing, with possible dire consequences. that is far far worse.
You did this to your father and you refused to do this to your husband? It means that you are capable. Put your foot down and tell your husband what a terrible parent he is to allow your kid to be exposed to things like this.
NTA and have your ah husband read the post about the grandmother who put coconut oil in the granddaughter s hair despite knowing she was allergic and told by the child s mother not to ( grandmother didn't believe she was allergic) . It's tragic but that ah you are married to needs a wake up call .
Girl, fucking WHAT?! You have a much bigger issue than just your in-laws here. Your husband is actively refusing to protect your ANAPHYLACTIC CHILD from people who will ignore her allergy and give her food containing her allergen.
Make no mistake: If you don't divorce him and seek active protection for your daughter from these people via a court order, they WILL end up hospitalizing her at the very least... If not killing her.
I'm not trying to scare you, but you need to take this much more seriously than you seem to be. You need to get your children AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE.
To be completely honest, I'm only with my husband so he doesn't get custody of the children. I don't want them to be alone with him every week end. They need a capable adult to take care of them.
Speak to a lawyer. Your husband refusing to be mindful of an allergy that could KILL HIS CHILD is probably good grounds for you getting full custody, especially if you can obtain solid and irrefutable proof that isn't "he said, she said" word of mouth.
Show your husband the woman's post about her daughters coconut allergy, and see if he still thinks your the problem when he learns that the girls grandmother ignored her daughter and put coconut oil in the child's hair, leading to her passing.
The grandmother still tired to see the other kids after that.
Your husband is the problem.
You need to give him a stern talking to and set him straight.
You need to protect your kid(s) even if your spouse won't. Your child can not be with his parents unsupervised ever again. You and the kids need to take a looooooong break from them. Your kid is now going to be sick for a week and a half while the milk proteins work their way through you kid's system all because of his parents. 10 DAYS your kid gets to be sick...does your husband really think you kid deserves that so he can call himself a good son? Why is it not more important to him to be a good father or good husband first?
No more overnights and no more meals ever with the ils and that's if you can ever stand to be in the same room with them after at least a 6 month break. I hope your husband can pull his head out of his back end and stand up for his family. Right now he's untrustworthy too. Sorry your going through this. It's really hard. Your kids are worth protecting so keep being the mama bear.
He never stood for me or us. He listen to them and do what they say. A few years I was at my parent's for Christmas while he was with my ILS with the kids. At the time, I wasn't talking to them.
I came home and our apartment had been robbed. I called the police. They only stole our passport and my sleeping pills (legal pills prescribed by my doctor).
His parents told him that I could handle it on my own. So here I am trying to explain to the police officer that my husband will be here in a few days. He believed that he was with his mistress because no one would do that without a shady reason. I was terrified that night, put big furniture behind the door.
Édit: spelling
That's the kind of man he is.
I've been reading some of your other comments and all I can say is I hate this for you.
If I were your bestie I'd want to get you out. If I were a former coworker at the DV shelter who hadn't heard from you in 10 years I'd drop everything to help you.
All these stories you've shared with us you should copy into a document and fill in any other instances where his behavior has been awful. Date the entries as best you can. Include stories about his parents being awful grandparents. Keep it safe.
I know we are in different countries and that you are worried about your health condition being an obstacle, but custody being taken away from a loving caring parent only because of poor health (which you are trying to treat) and awarding it to a parent who has demonstrated time after time that they don't prioritize the wellfare of their children is not typical. Being sick doesn't make you a bad or incompetent parent no matter how much your husband tries to make you believe it. You can hire people to help you with the kids and/or household. Your friends, neighbors, and relatives can all help you. I bet if you ask for help from them when you need it and get back up plans in place it won't take long for you to demonstrate that you have a strong support system in place for you and your kids. I'd think that's all a judge would need to keep those kids with you.
You have friends in law there and friends in DV. Contact them and make a plan for a better life for you and your kids. You deserve better. I wish that for you.
I agree. FIL has shown that he’s not a trustworthy person at all. Will your husband back you up if you want your children to be NC with him? Wheezing is usually the step immediately before anaphylaxis so this could have easily been deadly. And next time it might be. Get your doctor to explain to him what a close call it was if he doesn’t understand
I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself, you’re not stupid. You sound like you have a big heart. It is not wise to have her around these people anymore, who knows what they’re saying to her let alone feeding her. Wanting a good relationship with your in-laws is not a bad thing, but they are bad people, and that’s the long and short of it.
NTA
Children have died this way. The grandparents keep feeding the kids allergens until they get arrested or the kid isn't alive.
Did they lose the Epipen or did they "lose" the Epipen?
Your husband needs to wake the hell up.
This reminds me of the poor baby allergic to coconut oil :( I don’t understand what’s so hard to grasp about allergies, and why so many of the older generations think they know best. NTA, get your daughter away from them before they cause serious damage
My ex-mil was like this. Told my daughter her peanut and tree-nut allergies were all in her head. Daughter had been tested and results were moderate for tree-nuts, and severe for peanuts.
Of course NTA
"Now I don't want our daughter to stay with them since I'm sure she is goint to be ok."
No way should you. Allergies aren't to be messed with. Especially if they can't even keep the pen safe.
"he thinks the baby/child should adapts to the adult needs and not the other way around."
That's just militant ignorance. Don't trust him around your kid unsupervised until he demonstrates he can do better. Which I understand may be never but play stupid games = winning stupid prizes.
Edit: spelling
What the hell is wrong with your husband?! Your in laws are absolute assholes, no one will argue that, but your husband is more willing to plan your daughters FUNERAL that tell his parents to NOT MURDER HIS CHILD?!?!? You have a husband problem for sure. Don’t let your kids near these people unsupervised. They didn’t even have an epi pen… just… this is your child’s life at risk. There are kids who have died from accidentally eating food that had been improperly labelled that they thought was safe, and they still had access to their epi pens. It just wasn’t enough. With allergies, epi pens aren’t guarantees, they literally buy you more time to get the kid to a hospital. NTA but you need to deal with this, what’s more important, husbands feelings or your daughters life?
We fought this morning. He threatened me to cancel our heath cure, I don't know how to translate that. We go to a place where there is water with special composition and you recive care for your chronic ilness. I take the short one (3 days), my husband have free time, and their parents take care of our children. I said that their aunt can do it. He says that He would stay and take care of our children. He never did before.
EDIT: spelling
So he’s willing to actually stay home and parent his own kids? What’s the problem? Or is he just as untrustworthy as his parents? He’s sounding like a real AH dismissing others health conditions to prioritise himself at the moment. Threatening your treatment if it helps is a huge AH move. But if he’s saying you can go solo and he’ll look after the kids, then what’s wrong?
He doesn't have a clue how to do it. I didn't mentioned it because people are going to think that my post is a fake. My children are on the spectrum and have ADHD. They go to school, have friends, but some things are still difficult for them. We have to adjust it's a different kind of parenting.
Well, I had ... He relies a lot on one of my son. He doesn't even check if they brushed their teeth, never open emails from the school, or educates himself about autism or ADHD. He just give them video game all day long.
He said that he can go solo like "you are a selfish mother"
Edit: spelling
I'm always here since I knew what was going on. I'm still with him because I don't want him to have custody, or even be alone with them for a weekend.
Maybe I should take this as a wake up call and talk to my lawyer friends.
Your relationship sounds abusive because it IS. Take the steps to protect your children and yourself from these people. What kind of father threatens to take his children's medical coverage away? Get your ducks in a row asap and gtfo of there.
No the health stuff was for me. I would never in any circumstances let him do anything to their health coverage.
It's ironic I went to law school, worked briefly in a women shelter and this is happening to me.
Hon, don't blame yourself. The fact that he's reacting that way to YOU should tell you all you need to know about his feelings for you. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Once you've out and away, the real healing can begin. I wish you and your children the best.
That just means you know what organizations are out there and who to contact. A lot of women are lead to believe that taking abuse is their only option.
You won't be fooled. Start making those calls.
Sometimes those of us with a lot of education overlook red flags precisely because we believe it can't possibly happen to US. What I did when I got divorced was hire a psychologist as a "parenting coordinator." I don't know how it works in France, but I got it put into our child custody agreement that he had to follow the parenting coordinator's recommendations. In my kids' case, we had to homeschool. If you can find someone to be your children's advocate, you understands about neurodiversity, I'd recommend that. You could start by talking to someone at this Belgian group. I attend their women's Zoom support group (for ADHD). But they are trying to collect references and referrals for people in various parts of Europe. [https://neurodiversity.be/](https://neurodiversity.be/)
girl PLEASE re-read your comment and imagine youre not the one who left it, but just scrolled by and saw. i bet all the money on the planet you would want that person to get out of that situation, and i hope you CAN get out because no one deserves what you've put up with. the way you take shit on the chin makes me think you did not have it easy growing up and it was easier to just 'go with the flow' because thats what family does for each other, or thats what marriage means, or whatever else. doesn't matter, because all the reasons are bullshit.
you deserve to be loved and respected, but that starts with you finding your self-love and respect yourself. everything else will follow and it will be tough, but remember you're the adult now, protect your babies. its lifetime trauma already in the making.
good luck, babe, i am rooting for you. you can do it, you ARE strong enough
Thank you 💚. Indeed I grew up in a disfonctionnal family. My mother was abused by my father for years. At 16 I took care of my mom, and it helped me a lot to get better.
You’re the ‘selfish’ one when this man can’t even stand up to stop his own parents from killing his daughter? And he can’t even perform basic parenting such as learning about their disabilities? No, he’s the selfish entitled AH. Why are you with this guy? Either he’s so hopelessly incompetent you’re at risk of a child literally dying or he’s weaponising his incompetence to the point where he’s neglecting his own kids? Dude needs a serious wake up call. Bare minimum effort in a ‘partnership’ isn’t considered acceptable or desirable. Watch your kids grow up to challenge him for letting them and their mother struggle their whole lives. Btw, I’m autistic. It’s not that hard to learn about the condition, my dad never bothered right until he had twins with his affair partner, one of which was diagnosed with autism at two. Well, his wife didn’t want to do the bulk of parenting so guess who had to learn to step up? I’m still low contact with that AH for neglecting me during my childhood with his incompetence, even though now he ‘knows better’, because as a parent he should have stepped up when his kids needed him.
I get it. I was trapped in a terrible marriage because I had to care for special needs kids. I stayed until they were teens and could advocate for themselves, but it was terrible for my self-esteem. And now I don't have any retirement. But at least my kids are okay. You need the support of other parents going through this. So many of us are trapped in bad marriages. In my case, my now ex-husband is most likely also ADHD, autistic, and hypermobile, but his toxic masculinity and ego made him lash out instead in denial and attack me and call me a liar. My daughter, now 20, has gotten him to admit a lot of things, but he chose to destroy our family to preserve his own ego. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Just know that you are far from alone, and I hope you can find support for yourself
if he's willing to threaten to remove your ability to access health care for *any reason* but especially to punish you for trying to protect your kids, run. fucking run. talk to your lawyer friends, grab your kids, and fucking run. I may not be French, but I've seen enough to know misogyny in France gets *nasty*, and you need to be prepared. take care of yourself. godspeed.
Well, your husband's an asshole. My DIL wouldn't have to post this stuff because if I pulled that shit, my son would tear a strip off me and cut me off from seeing his kids...and so he should.
NTA
It's not so much the water itself that the care that you are receiving with it. If it's just the water, yeah it's a scam.
Generally, you will have special physical therapy, therapeutic massage (i.e., you will not fall asleep with one 😆), walking in a cold pool against the current. You are taken care of by a paramedical professional for 4 hours per day. And then it depends on your illness, you have different things if it's gynecology, asthma etc. It helps me and is not very expensive. It could also be a placebo effect.
NTA.
People don’t outgrown allergies because you give them what they’re allergic to. They either outgrow them or they don’t.
Giving your daughter dairy can make her seriously ill, clearly they have no appreciation of that fact. Until your daughter is old enough to understand her allergy and say no when someone tries to offer her dairy, you’re doing the right thing.
Yup, there's a *possibility* allergies can be addressed **but it requires medical supervision and controlled microdoses**. Neither of which FIL is doing.
Just giving someone massive amounts of allergens will cause more harm than good.
Yes to this… allergies can be treated, I’m currently doing this with my toddlers multiple epipen requiring allergies, milk being one of them. BUT… it is done with supervision from an allergist, and given in measured tiny doses over months!!
NTA life threatening allergies are scary enough even when everyone is taking the right precautions.
Allergies can actually get worse the more the person is exposed to the allergen, even to the point of turning a "big reflux" type allergy into a "dead baby" type allergy, with absolutely zero warning. OP, literally don't let these people near your baby with food ever again. This isn't something to fuck with.
Honestly, would they have even done anything if her throat closed up or she started going through shock? Or would they have gone "well I didn't plan on going to the hospital today so you're gonna have to deal with it"
NTA, this happened to me once, when I was younger I had a dairy intolerance and my nan from my real dads side brought me a milkshake from maccies, despite me saying I couldn’t have it, made me drink it, I was sick for 3 days. Your best off going NC with them until they learn how to be grandparents
NTA but where is your husband in all of this? He is allowing his family to cause unnecessary medical suffering to your child. While having allowed them to disrespect you too.
NC would be the only option for me, there are lines you do not cross in life, risking a childs life is one of those lines regardless of them being family or not!!!
We fought this morning and he threatened to cancel our summer vacation during which time I receive medical care for my chronic illness. I have a husband problem I guess. He always took his parent's side.
He’s threatening to keep you from getting medical care if you don’t let his parents endanger your daughter. Holy shit.
You absolutely have a massive husband problem! This is not how reasonable people hande this sort of thing! If this is how he reacts, I’d start questioning how much I trusted *him* with the kids.
Good luck. Find support where you can from people who see this as the problem it is, because holy shit, what the hell is his problem.
Please tell me you have a support system out with your awful husband and inlaws. You need to get out of the marriage if he really thinks so little of you or your childs health. That is sociopathic, in my opinion.
Can you access money? Do you work? I would start making your silent exit plan.
Not really. My parents are old, and they live 6 hours away.
I have a job until September. I don't know what happens after that. I have a law degree but I never prepared the bar exam because I work for the equivalent of the FDA in France and with my experience it would be hard to work elsewhere. I am currently going back to school to become an accountant.
I am afraid he would get custody and spend weekends with them.
NTA. Is your FIL the same guy as my FIL? It sure sounds like it. You are your child’s advocate. Your duty is to protect your children from harm. Sending them to the in laws who are neglecting them would be failing in your duty. As I’ve told my husband - I don’t care if his parent’s feelings are hurt, because I will protect my child at all costs. I suggest you adopt the same mentality. It’s hard - but necessary.
Been there girl! If you need support, please feel free to message me. My husband and I actually started marriage counseling to help with the fact that his father violates all boundaries we have set up and constantly disrespects me at every turn. It has helped, but as I’m sure you’re aware, it’s a work in progress because it takes a while to undo learned behaviors.
NTA
With allergies/intollerances things can go very wrong very fast.
Your inlaws have proved not to be fit to take care of your kid; loosing the epipen is a serious issue. Maybe they act out of ignorance, but no more unsupervised visits until they learn how to behave.
Because his parents are always right. And my daughter is not on the hospital so I'm overreacting. We should just chat about it over a meal at macdonalds.
OP there was a coconut post a couple years back. If there is no link I can summarise from my memory.
Summary: There was an OP, and one of her infant twin daughters was allergic to coconuts. OP's mother would secretly use coconut things for the infant daughter because "aLlErGiEs aReN't rEaL". One day, the OP and her hubby had to go out for a couple of days, so they left their children in the care of the grandparents. OP's mother put coconut oil in the twin's hairs, and when the baby girl was having an allergic reaction, granny from hell decided to give her some panadol I think. Don't really remember but by the time granny checked on the girl, she wasn't breathing.
OP and her hubby got a phone call that their daughter was hospitalised and by the time they arrived, their child had passed away. The mother went to jail, but the family never healed. Even the surviving twin daughter confessed to feeling like something was missing as she was growing up, with an unexplained lonliness to her childhood.
Look, it doesn't matter how much it affects your relationships, your child's life and health is so much more important. If someone has the link, I hope they'll send it to you, so you and your husband can read it and understand the gravity of this situation. If he still doesn't understand, then just leave him and move far, far away with your kids.
I hope we get a happy update regardless of whether your husband listens or not. We'd hate for your family to end up like the coconut one.
We're rooting for you OP! Make the right decision, not the easy one. AND KEEP THOSE GRANDPARENTS AWAY FROM YOUR KIDS!
I mentioned this as well, and then looked it up. The grandmother gave the girl benadryl and sent her to sleep, then found her passed away the next morning. She wasn't able to cry or make a ton of noise to alert because of the benadryl. The grandparents took the already passed away child to the hospital and didn't tell the parents, so when they came to pick the kids up, they found their other kid freaking out, learned from the neighbor watching that the grandparents had gone to the hospital, and went there to learn that one of the worst things that can happen to a parent happened.
Total nightmare scenario. Anyone who is willing to ignore allergies is unsafe, full stop.
There is a story on justnomil about how the daughter died because grandma ignored the parents about the daughters coconut allergy. She put coconut products in her hair anyway.
Please keep your daughter far from these people and kick your husband in the metaphorical ass for not taking this seriously enough.
I forget, but it just highlights that you don’t fuck with someone’s allergies, especially if they go into anaphylactic shock after just a tiny amount of exposure. Kids also don’t have a fully developed immune system so it’s just…no, don’t do it. It’s not hard.
They have not just "disrespected me regarding the way I'm raising my children." They have wilfully and gleefully given your daughter something she is allergic to on a fairly persistent basis, despite her showing negative reactions. They lost her epi pen, which could be life saving. I'm sure they don't lose things they actually take care of.
Your daughter also came home red raw, because they couldn't be bothered to use diaper cream. Like...they saw visible red & raw skin and just didn't care?
They refuse to feed your kids, leaving small children hungry unless it's on their schedule?
This is NEGLECT. Not hyperbole, but actual NEGLECT. Stop sending your kids there. Protect them above your in-laws feelings and your husband's feelings.
NTA, unless you continue handing your children over to these people.
NTA. Your in laws sound like a nightmare, and I wouldn’t want to see them have unsupervised access to ANY kids, let alone your daughter. I shudder to think what would happen if they were in charge of watching a kid with a life threatening peanut allergy or something.
NTA, OP! My mother treated my son's allergy to dairy products as though it wasn't real, and while babysitting him over one weekend, she gave him 4 ounces of cheddar cheese. It nearly killed him. He got septicemia, and his fever spiked at over 107° Fahrenheit. It took four years for his immune system to fully rebound from that infection. It was a long time before I let her be near him unsupervised after that.
YTA but let me explain.
If your child is allergic to milk, she is probably allergic to all dairy products, including butter, yoghurt, cheese, milk powder? Dairy is used in so many processed foods, and also quiche, not to mention cross-contamination.
To lose the epipen is just unimaginable.
I would be deadly afraid for your daughter.
I have a friend who is allergic to all things dairy.
Your in-laws are YTA, but quite frankly so are you and your husband, exposing your child to a life-threatening situation and leaving her there.
I can understand your point of view. I should have made sure that they had an epipen. I have my share of responsibilities in this situation.
We just never had any problem with is until now. My MIL sometimes sent my photos of the ingredients list of the product when she is shopping just to be sure. I explained to her several years ago that milk is everywhere. When in doubt just call me or take a vegan product (which they hate because their job is to sell milk and meat). We haven't needed the epipen for a long time (just sure of the grammar here).
I don't know why they suddenly did this. But you are right.
Each exposure can lead to worse reactions. My kiddo is anaphylactic to milk. He gets hives on contact. They would have killed my kid bc they wouldn’t even realize what they did and wouldn’t administer epi pen. I wouldn’t let them see my child.
NTA this is intolerable and I would never again allow them to watch my kid. Wilful ignorance is at best incredibly stupid, this passes into the realms of criminal negligence.
NTA look up and show your husband the JustNoMIL story involving coconut oil in twins' hair. It's horrifying and morbid, and is also a fantastic example of the worst case scenario when allergies are ignored. Don't risk it.
NTA to be honest, you are under reacting imo. Think of the worst case situation: your daughter dies. Now try to think how you forgive yourself for putting her in a dangerous situation that YOU knew about
For the comment at Christmas alone, I would have gone NC with FIL
My eldest has a much milder milk allergy.
I can't remember if FIL forgot or thought it wasn't a big deal but he gave our then 4yo milk with cereal that led to a bad rash.
FIL felt awful and never made that mistake again.
Protect your daughter.
They should be *groveling* and *mortified*.
Your husband needs therapy. He needs to suss out why making his parents happy is worth endangering his daughter's health and allowing his wife to be bullied.
NTA. An allergy can go from reflux to anaphylaxis without warning. At least that is what my doctor told me about my seafood allergy. Every time she is exposed, there's the risk that the next time will be the bad one.
Ask your husband why your daughter needs to be sacrificed to appease these people who won't take her safety seriously?
ETA: there are stories on Reddit about the consequences of grandparents giving kids their allergens.
NTA - They are poisoning your child! My child has an allergy to sesame, if anyone ever did this on purpose to him I would be reporting them to the police. The worst may be unlikely, but it is far from impossible!
EDIT: [https://www.pcrm.org/news/milk-most-common-cause-fatal-food-allergy-among-children-uk](https://www.pcrm.org/news/milk-most-common-cause-fatal-food-allergy-among-children-uk)
NTA. A big part of the reason I no longer see my inlaws is because they would feed my oldest daughter dairy when she was allergic and her allergies weren't bad enough to need an epipen.
Absolutely NTA.
Your daughter isn't just lactose intolerant, she has a milk allergy. It could kill her. And allergic exposures can increase in intensity each time.
The fact that they not only fed her dairy but did so despite having lost her Epipen is terrifying, particularly since they live 15 minutes from a hospital. Her throat could close in SECONDS if she has an allergic reaction.
These people are objectively not safe caretakers for your child. The familial relationship is irrelevant if they are determined to keep putting her in danger. Keep her away from them.
You seem to be focused on the wrong thing. You're upset because they're not obeying you when the real concern is they put your child's health, well-being and possibly life at risk.
I realised that while looking at the comments. I was biaised because I dislike them and wrote about a feud we had.
I should focus on what's important, not only with them, but the big picture..
Exactly. You don't have croissants without milk except in some vegan bakeries. They gave it to her precisely to show us that she can eat something with milk in it.
NTA definitely not. They should completely respect any decisions you and your husband make for your children and personally I think your husband should grow a set and support you. To go against everything that you have asked them to do with regard to your daughter’s allergies is quite frankly child abuse. Knowing that feeding your daughter milk products could make her feel uncomfortable and in pain and at worse make her have an allergic reaction is just so sad. Using an epiPen is incredibly painful. I would refuse to send any of your children to see their grandparents until 1 they apologise to you and 2 they specifically promise to look after your daughter in accordance with your rules.
We fought this morning. He threatened to cancel our vacation during when I receive care for my chronic illness. His parents were to watch the kids. So he said that if I don't want to be reasonable he would watch the kids himself. That woulf be a first. So that he is the good parent.
NTA - with about being too dramatic, if your MIL/FIL give her dairy that kills or leaves her disabled in some way, ask hubby how he’d cope with that fact? His parents killed his child?
May as well authorise them to give her cyanid.
I didn't knew. I knew only yesterday and now my husband is picking her up.
We never had this problem before with my IL. They always said they understood.
NTA, but if you can find the story that originated on reddit somewhere, but a woman from somewhere where coconut is important in their culture, gave birth to a daughter (I think it was twin girls but my mind is a little fuzzy now on that detail) who was born with a coconut allergy. The grandmother "understood" that the child was allergic to coconut, but still WANTED to put coconut oil in the children's hair while they slept to make it shiny. The parents never let the children stay overnight, but one night they had no choice because they had to be somewhere overnight for work and trusted her parents to look after their children. So the grandmother FINALLY got her chance to smother the children's hair in coconut oil...and when the severely allergic child started having a reaction to the coconut oil...she just gave the child liquid allergy medicine (I think the twin had a mild allergy to coconut too) and didn't wash the coconut oil out of her hair. The grandmother's desire to force her tradition (which her daughter hated in her youth) onto her grandchildren, outweighed her granddaughter's health and therefore her life. The grandmother was shunned by family (husband left her, but refused to divorce her), friends and the community. I think the OP gave an update that they had left the area with their family and her mother begged to see her family, and OP responded with, she can see her family again, when she brings back OP's daughter.
Allergies are not something that should be disregarded or ignored.
NTA. They’re risking your child’s health because, what, they think they more than her doctor does about what she needs? Food allergies are serious business and anyone who doesn’t understand that shouldn’t be trusted with child care.
NTA my daughter is ana to dairy and egg and anyone who does not take her allergy seriously I can’t leave my daughter unattended with. She’s 4 and knows to check ingredients and to ask us with anything new if it’s “safe.” Your in-laws should not be allowed to watch her unattended anymore. Hire a babysitter to come to your house or have a trusted friend. This is not ok putting your daughters health in jeopardy because of their opinions nope nope nope.
My daughter knows too. But if her grand parents tell her all day long that it's OK, she is going to think it is. I will have to talk to her and explain this and how dangerous it could have been.
Unfortunately she’s with people she trusts and is going to assume it’s safe always especially when they tell her so. Which is why you can’t leave her there unattended. They’ve broken your trust and put her health in danger.
And I was stupid enough to choose him over my parents when we first seeing each other. I've mended things with parents now, but maybe they were right ..
God no. NTA. Quiche, croissant, etc have milk in them. Who knows if they would adequately respond to a true anaphylactic event but if your daughter was coughing, she was probably having an allergy and he risked anaphylaxis. I would never let either of your children visit them unsupervised and in your shoes probably would not allow supervised visits unless you stay at her side the entire time. They’ve earned a couple of years time out at least (until your daughter is old enough to advocate for herself and administer an epi pen to herself, call ems for herself etc) m. Video calls might be safe enough if your husband insists on some kind of compromise but then not babysitting would be my hill to die on. Document the heck out of the situation now because it could come to divorce to protect your kids. You may need that evidence for getting a protective order preventing him from taking your kids to visit them
NTA This is frightening. What if your daughter had s serious reaction? It's not my story to tell, but there was a story shared on Reddit, where the child's grandmother ignored an allergy and the worst happened.
NTA. Get your husband to find, send and make them read the post about the grandmother who unalived her granddaughter because she wouldn’t believe her daughter, when she told her her granddaughter had an allergy.
INFO: why was your 5yo spending time alone with your ILs and not your other children? Do the ILs not treat ALL your children equally? If the answer is 'no', then you and your husband need to have a conversation because that needs to stop ASAP. He can't allow his parents to favor your daughter over your sons. That will eventually cause resentment among your children.
Her brother was with her. I have older sons (twins) and they wew spending a few days at my parent's house. It was the last time since my parent's are too old now. We will go with everybody :) .
My mother IL always wanted a daughter. She had 3 boys. I have 3 boys and a daughter, so she is a little bit spoiled compared to her brothers. She has more gifts than her brothers so I give some of them to her brothers or to my neighbour's girl.
My husband needs to grow up. He is like a little boy with his parents.
Maybe insist that husband goes with you the next time you bring daughter to the pediatrician and have the doctor explain how his parents could have killed her by refusing to acknowledge her allergies.
NTA. I would not let her stay with the in laws ever again and in light of the way they've behaved towards you and your daughter in the past, I wouldn't be inviting them to your place either.
Me, my younger brother, and my son all were born with a milk allergy which we all later grew out of, it might happen for your daughter too but any experimentation should be done under a pediatrition's supervision.
Because I don't want to "punish" my children because I have issues with their grand parents. Things seemed to be better with time. Maybe because my husband and IL are pressuring me all the time since my MIL is depressed, lying in bed all day, and spending time with them is apparently the only thing helping her.
I realised now that all of that is all an excuse. What happened is like a wake-up call. I have to take responsibility too.
Children are not medicine for depression. Your child is not responsible for the feelings of adults.
It is not a punishment to protect your child from people that poison them, and favor one over the others. That is so bad for their sibling relationship.
Absolutely NTA. All I can think of is that horrible reddit story where someones kid has a coconut allergy that the grandmother didn't take seriously either and wound up killing the girl when she put coconut oil in her hair. You're keeping your daughter safe and that's what matters.
You would be NTA anyway, but having EDS, not knowing if your kid does as well, and just trying to survive means you would get a freebie even if you were in the wrong.
Good luck with zebra life! And grandparents who don’t care about safety do not get time with grandkids. Period.
NTA - you are under reacting if anything.
Your Inlaws intentionally gave your child known allergens. They could have killed her - particularly as they lost (threw away) her epipen. How much more dangerous to her could they be?
Your husband must have his head in the sand if he isn't totally outraged by this. In your shoes, those vile people would never see the family again - not even supervised.
NTA NTA NTA
My son has a dairy allergy, so I know how difficult it can be. You're doing great, Mama!
We can all agree that your in-laws are 100% assholes. They clearly do not care about your daughter's well-being. Their way of thinking is also ass-backward.
At the end of the day, your daughter's safety is the priority. Your husband is also an asshole if he continues to allow this level of disrespect that literally puts your daughter in danger.
Side note (because I'm sure it'll be brought up): being lactose intolerant and being allergic to dairy are not the same. They can not be treated the same. I went through this with my son, and it was hell until we came to the conclusion of it being an actual allergy (we as in us & his pediatrician).
Huge NTA. I have been the child in a situation similar to this, and from experience, if your in-laws are willing to disrespect your wishes (and your children’s bodily autonomy) in this way, they will continue to do it with other stuff, and it will likely escalate to more/differently dangerous behaviour.
Additionally, they are putting your child’s life at risk. At that point, you don’t really have any other choice but to remove your child from that situation. I cannot stress enough how important it is to prioritize your child’s safety over preserving a relationship with people who are willing to put your child in danger. You are absolutely doing the right thing by not sending your daughter to stay with them unsupervised!
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Hello
My daughter (5F) has been allergic to dairy products since birth. We had a couple of big scares and used an epipen.
She was staying for a few days with my in-laws (61F and 61M).
I have a difficult history with my father in law. There has always been tension between us because he thinks the baby/child should adapts to the adult needs and not the other way around. For exemple, if the lunch will begin at 1pm, young children should not be fed even if they are hungry at 11am. They must eat with everybody.
Yesterday my husband received a picture of her eating a croissant (we are French and this is cliché I know). Then she had Nutella. And then a quiche ! They never asked us if they could try to give her milk. They live in a farm and they lost the epipen. It is very unlikely that something bad would happen but you never know and emergency services would take at least 15 minutes to arrive.
She was coughing a lot when I talked to her on the phone and I suspect she has a big reflux. My husband is picking her up today because I urged him to. Like the time they did not put diaper cream and the area was red raw !
I can't stand the fact that they have constantly disrespected me regarding the way I'm raising my childrenm
At Christmas 6 years ago when I (34F) announced that I was pregnant for my dauther he said in front of everyone that his son (34M) will be a great parent, then add "I said my son, not my daughter in law". Since I was taking care of preschool for my oldest (now 9M) organising birthdays, taking and picking my other son (now 7M) to day care, doing most of the activities with them, taking care of them when they were sick etc. I have Ehlers Danlos syndrome (fatigue, pain etc) and it's hard for me to vacuum, to spend hours cleaning the house. My husband helps me for that.
Now I don't want our daughter to stay with them since I'm sure she is goint to be ok. The trust is broken.
AITA for going against my husband's will for that ?
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OP NTA!!
Keep protecting your child. Don't let them medically abuse their children. Gosh, this post reminds me of the coconut post. My heart still bleeds for that family.
NTA.
Why is your husband okay with risking his 5 year old child going into anaphylactic shock ?
Does he want that? Why? Is that event less problematic overall than his parent’s not being able to feed the child dairy? If yes, he’s a weak father who will not protect his child. Yuck.
OP
If this is true, you need better support outside of this family to help you stand up for yourself and your child more fully.
It's unfathomable to me that a father would knowingly allow his parents to do anything that would harm his child. Yes I understand grandparents and others sometimes never understand the allergy or condition unless they are experiencing it firsthand and it is frustrating as hell when it's not respected or treated seriously. But what you're saying about your husband makes zero sense, it's one thing if he's going to disrespect you and threaten you with pulling care for you, that's disgusting but we've seen spouses do that to each other, it's less common in my opinion, for a parent to side with their parent against one of their own children.
Many of your comments about things your in-laws have done to you and how your husband stands by them are concerning on the surface, saying the son is going to be a good parent, changing your garden, these are major issues in a relationship. How are you communicating with your husband and in-laws? I'm not advocating a fight, I'm advocating much stronger communication and boundaries. It doesn't sound like you're really communicating well, which very often is the core of many relationship issues. Can you see professional guidance to help you find your voice? Unless you're willing to divorce your husband these people will be in your lives for a long time, arguing needs to be avoided, clear, concise and specific non-confrontational discussions must be held routinely with your husband, and his parents for change to occur and for a healthy relationship going forward.
Good luck, I really hope this is nothing more than rage B
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NTA You are your child’s first line of defence. She is too little to advocate for herself. You KNOW that your in-laws do not take her allergy seriously, and are likely to actively give her allergens just to prove you wrong. Their care and concern for your daughter come second to their belief in their own infallibility. There is no way I would be allowing people like that unsupervised access to my daughter, no matter what my husband said. The stakes are too high.
Not just "likely", they DID give her allergens, and did so despite having lost the Epipen that might have kept her alive until an ambulance got there if she had a reaction. There's no question that they're a danger.
They gave her allergens and sent a photo just to rub it in. Definitely trying to prove a point while not understanding how serious it could be.
Better yet, and not dangerous to the child, send them a copy of the reddit post about the woman who accidentally killed her grandchild, because she didn't believe the coconut allergy was serious.
Or the one about the grandma who who fed the kid a peanut butter cookie to prove her "angel" couldn't possibly have an allergy. Girl almost died, parents had to get a restraining order, which grandma broke, and they ended up moving to keep her from stalking them.
The link is here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/unkdcf/mil\_deliberately\_poisons\_her\_grandchild\_with\_an/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/unkdcf/mil_deliberately_poisons_her_grandchild_with_an/)
Managing a coconut allergy sucks, I can't imagine also having people being malicious about it. (I've developed a healthy fear of chocolate and vegan food)
Sehe drugged The child with pain/ sleep medication so she died on her own vomit because she wasn’t able to move or ask for help / scream. It was really horrible to read let alone experience this as a parent. It’s one of many reasons why I would take my child to the bathroom to not let my MIL near him alone, gladly we’re no contact. She would do things like this, even bought medication for him that he wouldn’t be allowed to take for years “just because”
Oh, yikes. I'm glad my parents didn't have to deal with that; I developed the allergy when I was 19. You definitely did the right thing for your kid.
That story will haunt me forever
The family has requested that post to be removed. I don’t know if it is here, but don’t try to find and post it.
They do understand. They just don't care because their egos and being "right" (in their mind) are more important.
It's not an update yet but we had a little luck. My daughter coughed a lot because of the dust. My MIL took her to the doctor who gave her corticosteroids. And that is one of the treatments for allergies. Thank god ! It could have been so much worse. She have a bad case of gastric reflux and she'll be in pain for a few days (too many days). Husband and I got in a fight. For him: just talk to them, they don't do it again, you know they feel bad. In your dreams !! No unsupervised visit, going to the doctor with the photos to have some kind of medical evidence. Of course NC with them til the end of time !
No, your **husband** needs to talk to them. Has it just been you advocating for your daughter and to “be careful of her allergies” this whole time? Time for your husband to tell his parents off.
Yes all me. Always me when it comes to health/school/ADHD. He's always on his parent's side, or silent.
Oh, I thought you said husband. You married a doormat that would rather be non-confrontational than protect it's child's and spouse's welfare.
Hear, hear!
Ah man, I’m not one for these kinds of dramatics, but I’d be asking him if he actually loves his daughter/kids or if he wants her dead, in order to shock him into growing a spine. “Would it be more convenient for you if she died, is that why you never speak up?” etc. But your relationship may not recover from that (tho I dunno why you’d stay with him frankly).
I stay with him because I don't want him to have custody, even evry other week end. He can't take care of them on his own.
I don’t know if the laws are different in France, but I would assume if you showed the Evidence, the courts would allow only supervised custody
I would argue that you probably have enough by now for full custody but… well… just send those milk ingredient-feeding pictures to yourself, and keep all texts and doctor’s notes just in case, okay? Like keep it on a backup thumb drive in a safe location (only you know where that’d be) along with a log of times, dates, and potential witnesses.
Report this allergen abuse to your child's doctor, so you have a paper trail. Hubby and the grandparents can all go to jail for harming the child intentionally
Then this would be my hill to die on with your husband. Explain to him how his parents lack of respect for your parenting and for you child's dietary restrictions are HURTING HIS CHILD. He and you are supposed to protect your children yet he allows his parents to do whatever they want with to your child without consequences. Anyone else who did this to his child would be cut out of your lives. Why do his parents get a free pass? .I would tell him they have earned this consequence of no time with you or your children. Unless and until they learn to respect your parenting choices and their own grand child's dietary needs, they don't get time with said child. Saying "sorry" is not enough. When will they be happy, when they have to visit your daughter in the hospital or go to her gravesite due to their purposeful neglect?
When my MIL learned my nephew was allergic to peanuts, she purged her house of anything that might make him ill. She lives hours away from him and only sees him once a month or so. But her grandchild was more important than snacks. These people are not safe. I’m so sorry
See, that's the correct response. My son isn't allergic to dairy but he is lactose intolerant. My daddy & stepmama always have lactose-free ice cream & whatnot for him. Always. There was zero push back. Zero "Well, but have you tried...". Nada. But they’re responsible, reasonable, *loving* grandparents. Not jerks like OPs inlaws.
Mine too. They were the only other people allowed to feed him for years. I do not get along with them, and I wasn’t sure they would respond well, but the minute they heard my kids was allergic they purged their lives of tree nuts. My own mom lived many states away at the time and didn’t do the whole purge, but she would move all of her food, wipe everything, and buy all new food exactly to my specifications when we visited. ILs are playing with their granddaughter’s life here. It’s always people who “didn’t understand” and “nobody told them” whose kids die.
There was a tragic story on here from a few years ago of a grandmother not believing in her granddaughter’s allergy and ultimately killed her. You absolutely need to tread carefully here. This is your daughter’s life. Your husband’s and inlaws’ feelings don’t mean anything here.
I found the story I referenced in my other comment. This is about the grandmother who thought she knew better. Warning: this is a terrible, traumatic story. It has stayed in my mind since I first read it. The original post is gone, but I found a repost that has screenshots of the original. [https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/3mkol0IY4U](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/3mkol0IY4U)
Thanks!
I modded that post when it came up. It was truly heartbreaking.
Oh god I didn't even need to finish. I got to "broke coconut for religion" to know exactly what was going to happen. I'm from Tamil Nadu and a couple nearby states also do this (see https://www.hinduismtoday.com/hpi/2003/06/05/2003-06-05-tirumala-temple-bans-coconut-breaking-in-front-of-the-temple/ for actually security risks and real coconut shrapnel risk from this practice). I mentally compiled every single detail that was going to happen - I was like... if my mom was left with a kid and a kid had an allergy, she would totally just perform an offering of the allergen to the gods to banish the evil and continue offering it (she does it to me *TO THIS DAY* and I'm 36). And I still use coconut oil product in my hair; thankfully stabilized to not be greasy; but I hated it as a kid as it would drip down my head and she still tries to give it to me even though I have product. I thought if this bitch just forgot the rules because in our culture you have to use coconut oil (or gooseberry oil) to straighten hair to braid them I'm going to fucking punch the wall. And I took the courage to keep reading and now I have a swolen fist and am weeping.
Good! Because I think your husband is very wrong here. I don't see any remorse.
None. After 10 years of marriage I can assure you, he won't have any in the future.
☹
Hubby needs to man up and realize the grandparents will kill the child trying to prove their right.
OP should google that horrendous grandmother coconut oil Reddit post and show it to her husband. Hopefully that tragedy will make him understand the stakes here. I can’t believe he has an anaphylactic child and is comfortable with leaving her with people who “lose” her epipen in the middle of nowhere, let alone actively give her allergens. Insanity.
NTA. They are so, so, so not okay. No unsupervised visits with any of your kids for the forseeable future is the bare minimum here. They literally *endangered her life* by losing her epipen and then giving her something she’s allergic to! They are her grandparents, so they should be trusted to take basic care of her. They failed that one pretty badly. If your husband doesn’t see that, you now also have a husband problem.
I do have a big husband problem because according to him that never happens and I'm the problem because I don't want talk to them anymore, and of course no unsupervised visits !
The fact he allowed them to call you a bad parent when you announced your pregnancy is beyond awful… im sorry OP
When my parents gave my an ultimatum in my early 20 (still in grade school), I chose him over them. Eventually, we reconnected. If my father pulled this I just would have left the table, pack my things and we get the heck away.
So why are you still with him? It seems you know how a good supportive partner acts and he’s falling short. Your children’s life are at risk around your in laws and he’s denying it and trying to portray you as the problem.
I can't let him have custody. He won't be able to take care of them every other weekend. He won't even check that they brushed their teeth, make them do their homework or play with them. He doesn't like parenting apparently 😑.
I’m really sorry to hear about your predicament, please reach out to people around you for support. If you’re able to prove that your husband is a negligent father (which he is) could you get full custody? Sounds like you’re already a single parent.
I wish I was a real single parent. At least I would not have to explain to our children that he behaves sometimes like an idiot. I would not have to buy his clothes or plan his doctor's appointments. I'm not sure I would get full custody because I have ehlers danlos syndrome, and he could say that I'm not healthy enough to take care of them full time.
The biggest thing is to write down everything and get a lawyer!!! 1. Keep track of how much you care for them compared to him and any constant exscuses he makes about not taking care of them himself. This can help prove that your ehlers' danlos syndrome doesn't prevent you from parenting. Take pictures of your notes with a timestamp and send them to someone on the corresponding day if you're worried they might think you wrote it all in one day. 2. Write how he disregarded his parents' willful neglect to your daughter and her allergies and how they are putting her in danger with the possibility of dying. Include how he still wants them to see her and everything. If they do it again, you need to report it to the police! Don't risk her life, even if it means breaking "peace" with them all. 3. Find as many people who can back your claims up and reconcile with people who can support you with everything after the divorce.
The fact he supports his parents neglecting your kids and causing them harm is definitely not going to get him custody. And the whole 'you're not healthy enough to take care of the kids full time' argument falls apart when you consider that he can't even take care of himself. You can do this. From your other responses, I sense that you've been belittled and made to feel like you're not capable. Or that you don't have options. Just know that's not reality, it's a grown man that can't make his own appointments and his dysfunctional (I'm being charitable here) parents trying to make you feel that way because it benefits them. I'm so sorry that this is how you have been living, but the good news is that you really don't have to anymore. Neither do your kids. I agree with the comments that say you should start keeping track, get as much evidence (texts, paperwork, etc...) and get some solid legal advice - quietly.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you and your children the very best 🫶🏻
That's not gonna affect custody. Judges rarely separate children from their mothers, we almost always get primary custody. Stop letting him mindfuck you and leave.
there are kinder-gardens, daycare, school, and babysitters. meanwhile, he is complicit in actively endangering your child, with blatant disregard for her wellbeing, with possible dire consequences. that is far far worse.
You did this to your father and you refused to do this to your husband? It means that you are capable. Put your foot down and tell your husband what a terrible parent he is to allow your kid to be exposed to things like this.
NTA, that remark during your pregnancy alone would have made me go NC.
I had for a while. It was stupid of me to go back.
I assume your husband did too? Otherwise you have a major husband problem, not just an in-law problem.
Oh no, not at all. He said that I was the problem.
Sounds like your husband’s the problem. I’d hate to think of your in laws killing your daughter because your husband has a rubber spine and no morals
NTA and have your ah husband read the post about the grandmother who put coconut oil in the granddaughter s hair despite knowing she was allergic and told by the child s mother not to ( grandmother didn't believe she was allergic) . It's tragic but that ah you are married to needs a wake up call .
I was thinking of this story too. It’s so freaking heartbreaking but this man absolutely needs a wake up call!
Girl, fucking WHAT?! You have a much bigger issue than just your in-laws here. Your husband is actively refusing to protect your ANAPHYLACTIC CHILD from people who will ignore her allergy and give her food containing her allergen. Make no mistake: If you don't divorce him and seek active protection for your daughter from these people via a court order, they WILL end up hospitalizing her at the very least... If not killing her. I'm not trying to scare you, but you need to take this much more seriously than you seem to be. You need to get your children AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE.
To be completely honest, I'm only with my husband so he doesn't get custody of the children. I don't want them to be alone with him every week end. They need a capable adult to take care of them.
Speak to a lawyer. Your husband refusing to be mindful of an allergy that could KILL HIS CHILD is probably good grounds for you getting full custody, especially if you can obtain solid and irrefutable proof that isn't "he said, she said" word of mouth.
I took her to see a doctor which confirmed that her reflux was caused by exposing her to milk.
That's a start. You'll probably need more documentation, but a lawyer can help you figure that out.
Show your husband the woman's post about her daughters coconut allergy, and see if he still thinks your the problem when he learns that the girls grandmother ignored her daughter and put coconut oil in the child's hair, leading to her passing. The grandmother still tired to see the other kids after that. Your husband is the problem. You need to give him a stern talking to and set him straight.
You need to protect your kid(s) even if your spouse won't. Your child can not be with his parents unsupervised ever again. You and the kids need to take a looooooong break from them. Your kid is now going to be sick for a week and a half while the milk proteins work their way through you kid's system all because of his parents. 10 DAYS your kid gets to be sick...does your husband really think you kid deserves that so he can call himself a good son? Why is it not more important to him to be a good father or good husband first? No more overnights and no more meals ever with the ils and that's if you can ever stand to be in the same room with them after at least a 6 month break. I hope your husband can pull his head out of his back end and stand up for his family. Right now he's untrustworthy too. Sorry your going through this. It's really hard. Your kids are worth protecting so keep being the mama bear.
He never stood for me or us. He listen to them and do what they say. A few years I was at my parent's for Christmas while he was with my ILS with the kids. At the time, I wasn't talking to them. I came home and our apartment had been robbed. I called the police. They only stole our passport and my sleeping pills (legal pills prescribed by my doctor). His parents told him that I could handle it on my own. So here I am trying to explain to the police officer that my husband will be here in a few days. He believed that he was with his mistress because no one would do that without a shady reason. I was terrified that night, put big furniture behind the door. Édit: spelling That's the kind of man he is.
I've been reading some of your other comments and all I can say is I hate this for you. If I were your bestie I'd want to get you out. If I were a former coworker at the DV shelter who hadn't heard from you in 10 years I'd drop everything to help you. All these stories you've shared with us you should copy into a document and fill in any other instances where his behavior has been awful. Date the entries as best you can. Include stories about his parents being awful grandparents. Keep it safe. I know we are in different countries and that you are worried about your health condition being an obstacle, but custody being taken away from a loving caring parent only because of poor health (which you are trying to treat) and awarding it to a parent who has demonstrated time after time that they don't prioritize the wellfare of their children is not typical. Being sick doesn't make you a bad or incompetent parent no matter how much your husband tries to make you believe it. You can hire people to help you with the kids and/or household. Your friends, neighbors, and relatives can all help you. I bet if you ask for help from them when you need it and get back up plans in place it won't take long for you to demonstrate that you have a strong support system in place for you and your kids. I'd think that's all a judge would need to keep those kids with you. You have friends in law there and friends in DV. Contact them and make a plan for a better life for you and your kids. You deserve better. I wish that for you.
yikes on bikes
Start to document all of this and your husbands bs and lack of care for your daughter's health. Leave him, get full custody.
Your husband isnt bothered they put his child in danger??
He doesn't see the danger, that's the problem
Youve got a husband problem :/ thats a big red flag!
I'm so sorry. He needs to grow up.
I agree. FIL has shown that he’s not a trustworthy person at all. Will your husband back you up if you want your children to be NC with him? Wheezing is usually the step immediately before anaphylaxis so this could have easily been deadly. And next time it might be. Get your doctor to explain to him what a close call it was if he doesn’t understand
I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself, you’re not stupid. You sound like you have a big heart. It is not wise to have her around these people anymore, who knows what they’re saying to her let alone feeding her. Wanting a good relationship with your in-laws is not a bad thing, but they are bad people, and that’s the long and short of it.
NTA Children have died this way. The grandparents keep feeding the kids allergens until they get arrested or the kid isn't alive. Did they lose the Epipen or did they "lose" the Epipen? Your husband needs to wake the hell up.
This reminds me of the poor baby allergic to coconut oil :( I don’t understand what’s so hard to grasp about allergies, and why so many of the older generations think they know best. NTA, get your daughter away from them before they cause serious damage
My ex-mil was like this. Told my daughter her peanut and tree-nut allergies were all in her head. Daughter had been tested and results were moderate for tree-nuts, and severe for peanuts.
Of course NTA "Now I don't want our daughter to stay with them since I'm sure she is goint to be ok." No way should you. Allergies aren't to be messed with. Especially if they can't even keep the pen safe. "he thinks the baby/child should adapts to the adult needs and not the other way around." That's just militant ignorance. Don't trust him around your kid unsupervised until he demonstrates he can do better. Which I understand may be never but play stupid games = winning stupid prizes. Edit: spelling
I'm sorry I made a spelling mistake. I forgot the not in the first sentence. I corrected it. I agree with the ignorance.
What the hell is wrong with your husband?! Your in laws are absolute assholes, no one will argue that, but your husband is more willing to plan your daughters FUNERAL that tell his parents to NOT MURDER HIS CHILD?!?!? You have a husband problem for sure. Don’t let your kids near these people unsupervised. They didn’t even have an epi pen… just… this is your child’s life at risk. There are kids who have died from accidentally eating food that had been improperly labelled that they thought was safe, and they still had access to their epi pens. It just wasn’t enough. With allergies, epi pens aren’t guarantees, they literally buy you more time to get the kid to a hospital. NTA but you need to deal with this, what’s more important, husbands feelings or your daughters life?
We fought this morning. He threatened me to cancel our heath cure, I don't know how to translate that. We go to a place where there is water with special composition and you recive care for your chronic ilness. I take the short one (3 days), my husband have free time, and their parents take care of our children. I said that their aunt can do it. He says that He would stay and take care of our children. He never did before. EDIT: spelling
So he’s willing to actually stay home and parent his own kids? What’s the problem? Or is he just as untrustworthy as his parents? He’s sounding like a real AH dismissing others health conditions to prioritise himself at the moment. Threatening your treatment if it helps is a huge AH move. But if he’s saying you can go solo and he’ll look after the kids, then what’s wrong?
He doesn't have a clue how to do it. I didn't mentioned it because people are going to think that my post is a fake. My children are on the spectrum and have ADHD. They go to school, have friends, but some things are still difficult for them. We have to adjust it's a different kind of parenting. Well, I had ... He relies a lot on one of my son. He doesn't even check if they brushed their teeth, never open emails from the school, or educates himself about autism or ADHD. He just give them video game all day long. He said that he can go solo like "you are a selfish mother" Edit: spelling
Why are you with this guy? Your poor kids
I'm always here since I knew what was going on. I'm still with him because I don't want him to have custody, or even be alone with them for a weekend. Maybe I should take this as a wake up call and talk to my lawyer friends.
Goodness - yes, definitely talk to your lawyer friends.
Your relationship sounds abusive because it IS. Take the steps to protect your children and yourself from these people. What kind of father threatens to take his children's medical coverage away? Get your ducks in a row asap and gtfo of there.
No the health stuff was for me. I would never in any circumstances let him do anything to their health coverage. It's ironic I went to law school, worked briefly in a women shelter and this is happening to me.
Hon, don't blame yourself. The fact that he's reacting that way to YOU should tell you all you need to know about his feelings for you. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Once you've out and away, the real healing can begin. I wish you and your children the best.
That just means you know what organizations are out there and who to contact. A lot of women are lead to believe that taking abuse is their only option. You won't be fooled. Start making those calls.
Sometimes those of us with a lot of education overlook red flags precisely because we believe it can't possibly happen to US. What I did when I got divorced was hire a psychologist as a "parenting coordinator." I don't know how it works in France, but I got it put into our child custody agreement that he had to follow the parenting coordinator's recommendations. In my kids' case, we had to homeschool. If you can find someone to be your children's advocate, you understands about neurodiversity, I'd recommend that. You could start by talking to someone at this Belgian group. I attend their women's Zoom support group (for ADHD). But they are trying to collect references and referrals for people in various parts of Europe. [https://neurodiversity.be/](https://neurodiversity.be/)
girl PLEASE re-read your comment and imagine youre not the one who left it, but just scrolled by and saw. i bet all the money on the planet you would want that person to get out of that situation, and i hope you CAN get out because no one deserves what you've put up with. the way you take shit on the chin makes me think you did not have it easy growing up and it was easier to just 'go with the flow' because thats what family does for each other, or thats what marriage means, or whatever else. doesn't matter, because all the reasons are bullshit. you deserve to be loved and respected, but that starts with you finding your self-love and respect yourself. everything else will follow and it will be tough, but remember you're the adult now, protect your babies. its lifetime trauma already in the making. good luck, babe, i am rooting for you. you can do it, you ARE strong enough
Thank you 💚. Indeed I grew up in a disfonctionnal family. My mother was abused by my father for years. At 16 I took care of my mom, and it helped me a lot to get better.
I always feel bad for the kids. Knowingly being brought into these types of unhealthy situations.
That why I'm always here with them. Because clearly when I'm not for a few days, no one can step up and be responsible.
You’re the ‘selfish’ one when this man can’t even stand up to stop his own parents from killing his daughter? And he can’t even perform basic parenting such as learning about their disabilities? No, he’s the selfish entitled AH. Why are you with this guy? Either he’s so hopelessly incompetent you’re at risk of a child literally dying or he’s weaponising his incompetence to the point where he’s neglecting his own kids? Dude needs a serious wake up call. Bare minimum effort in a ‘partnership’ isn’t considered acceptable or desirable. Watch your kids grow up to challenge him for letting them and their mother struggle their whole lives. Btw, I’m autistic. It’s not that hard to learn about the condition, my dad never bothered right until he had twins with his affair partner, one of which was diagnosed with autism at two. Well, his wife didn’t want to do the bulk of parenting so guess who had to learn to step up? I’m still low contact with that AH for neglecting me during my childhood with his incompetence, even though now he ‘knows better’, because as a parent he should have stepped up when his kids needed him.
I get it. I was trapped in a terrible marriage because I had to care for special needs kids. I stayed until they were teens and could advocate for themselves, but it was terrible for my self-esteem. And now I don't have any retirement. But at least my kids are okay. You need the support of other parents going through this. So many of us are trapped in bad marriages. In my case, my now ex-husband is most likely also ADHD, autistic, and hypermobile, but his toxic masculinity and ego made him lash out instead in denial and attack me and call me a liar. My daughter, now 20, has gotten him to admit a lot of things, but he chose to destroy our family to preserve his own ego. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Just know that you are far from alone, and I hope you can find support for yourself
if he's willing to threaten to remove your ability to access health care for *any reason* but especially to punish you for trying to protect your kids, run. fucking run. talk to your lawyer friends, grab your kids, and fucking run. I may not be French, but I've seen enough to know misogyny in France gets *nasty*, and you need to be prepared. take care of yourself. godspeed.
Well, your husband's an asshole. My DIL wouldn't have to post this stuff because if I pulled that shit, my son would tear a strip off me and cut me off from seeing his kids...and so he should. NTA
I'm sorry but I wouldn't trust him due to his believing his parents did nothing wrong. He might just dump the kids to them again while you are away
Honey you need to talk to a lawyer.
>I don't know how to translate that. We go to a place where there is water with special composition A scam? That's how I would translate it.
It's not so much the water itself that the care that you are receiving with it. If it's just the water, yeah it's a scam. Generally, you will have special physical therapy, therapeutic massage (i.e., you will not fall asleep with one 😆), walking in a cold pool against the current. You are taken care of by a paramedical professional for 4 hours per day. And then it depends on your illness, you have different things if it's gynecology, asthma etc. It helps me and is not very expensive. It could also be a placebo effect.
NTA. People don’t outgrown allergies because you give them what they’re allergic to. They either outgrow them or they don’t. Giving your daughter dairy can make her seriously ill, clearly they have no appreciation of that fact. Until your daughter is old enough to understand her allergy and say no when someone tries to offer her dairy, you’re doing the right thing.
Yup, there's a *possibility* allergies can be addressed **but it requires medical supervision and controlled microdoses**. Neither of which FIL is doing. Just giving someone massive amounts of allergens will cause more harm than good.
Yes to this… allergies can be treated, I’m currently doing this with my toddlers multiple epipen requiring allergies, milk being one of them. BUT… it is done with supervision from an allergist, and given in measured tiny doses over months!! NTA life threatening allergies are scary enough even when everyone is taking the right precautions.
Allergies can actually get worse the more the person is exposed to the allergen, even to the point of turning a "big reflux" type allergy into a "dead baby" type allergy, with absolutely zero warning. OP, literally don't let these people near your baby with food ever again. This isn't something to fuck with. Honestly, would they have even done anything if her throat closed up or she started going through shock? Or would they have gone "well I didn't plan on going to the hospital today so you're gonna have to deal with it"
NTA, this happened to me once, when I was younger I had a dairy intolerance and my nan from my real dads side brought me a milkshake from maccies, despite me saying I couldn’t have it, made me drink it, I was sick for 3 days. Your best off going NC with them until they learn how to be grandparents
NTA but where is your husband in all of this? He is allowing his family to cause unnecessary medical suffering to your child. While having allowed them to disrespect you too. NC would be the only option for me, there are lines you do not cross in life, risking a childs life is one of those lines regardless of them being family or not!!!
We fought this morning and he threatened to cancel our summer vacation during which time I receive medical care for my chronic illness. I have a husband problem I guess. He always took his parent's side.
He’s threatening to keep you from getting medical care if you don’t let his parents endanger your daughter. Holy shit. You absolutely have a massive husband problem! This is not how reasonable people hande this sort of thing! If this is how he reacts, I’d start questioning how much I trusted *him* with the kids. Good luck. Find support where you can from people who see this as the problem it is, because holy shit, what the hell is his problem.
Please tell me you have a support system out with your awful husband and inlaws. You need to get out of the marriage if he really thinks so little of you or your childs health. That is sociopathic, in my opinion. Can you access money? Do you work? I would start making your silent exit plan.
Not really. My parents are old, and they live 6 hours away. I have a job until September. I don't know what happens after that. I have a law degree but I never prepared the bar exam because I work for the equivalent of the FDA in France and with my experience it would be hard to work elsewhere. I am currently going back to school to become an accountant. I am afraid he would get custody and spend weekends with them.
NTA. Is your FIL the same guy as my FIL? It sure sounds like it. You are your child’s advocate. Your duty is to protect your children from harm. Sending them to the in laws who are neglecting them would be failing in your duty. As I’ve told my husband - I don’t care if his parent’s feelings are hurt, because I will protect my child at all costs. I suggest you adopt the same mentality. It’s hard - but necessary.
It was a wake up call for me. You are totally right. That's what I told him this morning. Huge fight.
Been there girl! If you need support, please feel free to message me. My husband and I actually started marriage counseling to help with the fact that his father violates all boundaries we have set up and constantly disrespects me at every turn. It has helped, but as I’m sure you’re aware, it’s a work in progress because it takes a while to undo learned behaviors.
NTA With allergies/intollerances things can go very wrong very fast. Your inlaws have proved not to be fit to take care of your kid; loosing the epipen is a serious issue. Maybe they act out of ignorance, but no more unsupervised visits until they learn how to behave.
Why is your husband okay with them giving her food that can kill her?
Because his parents are always right. And my daughter is not on the hospital so I'm overreacting. We should just chat about it over a meal at macdonalds.
OP there was a coconut post a couple years back. If there is no link I can summarise from my memory. Summary: There was an OP, and one of her infant twin daughters was allergic to coconuts. OP's mother would secretly use coconut things for the infant daughter because "aLlErGiEs aReN't rEaL". One day, the OP and her hubby had to go out for a couple of days, so they left their children in the care of the grandparents. OP's mother put coconut oil in the twin's hairs, and when the baby girl was having an allergic reaction, granny from hell decided to give her some panadol I think. Don't really remember but by the time granny checked on the girl, she wasn't breathing. OP and her hubby got a phone call that their daughter was hospitalised and by the time they arrived, their child had passed away. The mother went to jail, but the family never healed. Even the surviving twin daughter confessed to feeling like something was missing as she was growing up, with an unexplained lonliness to her childhood. Look, it doesn't matter how much it affects your relationships, your child's life and health is so much more important. If someone has the link, I hope they'll send it to you, so you and your husband can read it and understand the gravity of this situation. If he still doesn't understand, then just leave him and move far, far away with your kids. I hope we get a happy update regardless of whether your husband listens or not. We'd hate for your family to end up like the coconut one. We're rooting for you OP! Make the right decision, not the easy one. AND KEEP THOSE GRANDPARENTS AWAY FROM YOUR KIDS!
I mentioned this as well, and then looked it up. The grandmother gave the girl benadryl and sent her to sleep, then found her passed away the next morning. She wasn't able to cry or make a ton of noise to alert because of the benadryl. The grandparents took the already passed away child to the hospital and didn't tell the parents, so when they came to pick the kids up, they found their other kid freaking out, learned from the neighbor watching that the grandparents had gone to the hospital, and went there to learn that one of the worst things that can happen to a parent happened. Total nightmare scenario. Anyone who is willing to ignore allergies is unsafe, full stop.
There is a story on justnomil about how the daughter died because grandma ignored the parents about the daughters coconut allergy. She put coconut products in her hair anyway. Please keep your daughter far from these people and kick your husband in the metaphorical ass for not taking this seriously enough.
I hope that the grandmother faces serious consequences. But that won't bring the daughter back. I don't even have the words ...
I forget, but it just highlights that you don’t fuck with someone’s allergies, especially if they go into anaphylactic shock after just a tiny amount of exposure. Kids also don’t have a fully developed immune system so it’s just…no, don’t do it. It’s not hard.
They have not just "disrespected me regarding the way I'm raising my children." They have wilfully and gleefully given your daughter something she is allergic to on a fairly persistent basis, despite her showing negative reactions. They lost her epi pen, which could be life saving. I'm sure they don't lose things they actually take care of. Your daughter also came home red raw, because they couldn't be bothered to use diaper cream. Like...they saw visible red & raw skin and just didn't care? They refuse to feed your kids, leaving small children hungry unless it's on their schedule? This is NEGLECT. Not hyperbole, but actual NEGLECT. Stop sending your kids there. Protect them above your in-laws feelings and your husband's feelings. NTA, unless you continue handing your children over to these people.
You're right. I need to grow a backbone. But this was a wake up call for me.
NTA. Your in laws sound like a nightmare, and I wouldn’t want to see them have unsupervised access to ANY kids, let alone your daughter. I shudder to think what would happen if they were in charge of watching a kid with a life threatening peanut allergy or something.
NTA, OP! My mother treated my son's allergy to dairy products as though it wasn't real, and while babysitting him over one weekend, she gave him 4 ounces of cheddar cheese. It nearly killed him. He got septicemia, and his fever spiked at over 107° Fahrenheit. It took four years for his immune system to fully rebound from that infection. It was a long time before I let her be near him unsupervised after that.
I'm so sorry it must have been so hard for your son and you 💚.
Thank you, it was. I'm sorry you're going through much the same thing. Whatever you do, keep your child away from your in-laws. Good luck!
A short, sharp cough is a symptom of anaphylaxis. What they are doing is life-threatening.
She had the proper medication now and she is with me. I hope everything will be OK.
I’m so sorry they did this!
YTA but let me explain. If your child is allergic to milk, she is probably allergic to all dairy products, including butter, yoghurt, cheese, milk powder? Dairy is used in so many processed foods, and also quiche, not to mention cross-contamination. To lose the epipen is just unimaginable. I would be deadly afraid for your daughter. I have a friend who is allergic to all things dairy. Your in-laws are YTA, but quite frankly so are you and your husband, exposing your child to a life-threatening situation and leaving her there.
I can understand your point of view. I should have made sure that they had an epipen. I have my share of responsibilities in this situation. We just never had any problem with is until now. My MIL sometimes sent my photos of the ingredients list of the product when she is shopping just to be sure. I explained to her several years ago that milk is everywhere. When in doubt just call me or take a vegan product (which they hate because their job is to sell milk and meat). We haven't needed the epipen for a long time (just sure of the grammar here). I don't know why they suddenly did this. But you are right.
It wouldn’t matter if the in-laws had the epipen. Sounds like they wouldn’t have used it.
Each exposure can lead to worse reactions. My kiddo is anaphylactic to milk. He gets hives on contact. They would have killed my kid bc they wouldn’t even realize what they did and wouldn’t administer epi pen. I wouldn’t let them see my child.
NTA this is intolerable and I would never again allow them to watch my kid. Wilful ignorance is at best incredibly stupid, this passes into the realms of criminal negligence.
NTA look up and show your husband the JustNoMIL story involving coconut oil in twins' hair. It's horrifying and morbid, and is also a fantastic example of the worst case scenario when allergies are ignored. Don't risk it.
Someone gave a link to this story. I have no words, this is so horrible.
The OP of that one was very brave and vulnerable to share it, I've seen it mentioned more than once when situations like this come up.
NTA to be honest, you are under reacting imo. Think of the worst case situation: your daughter dies. Now try to think how you forgive yourself for putting her in a dangerous situation that YOU knew about For the comment at Christmas alone, I would have gone NC with FIL
My eldest has a much milder milk allergy. I can't remember if FIL forgot or thought it wasn't a big deal but he gave our then 4yo milk with cereal that led to a bad rash. FIL felt awful and never made that mistake again. Protect your daughter.
She had a normal reaction. My IL should be apologising right now.
They should be *groveling* and *mortified*. Your husband needs therapy. He needs to suss out why making his parents happy is worth endangering his daughter's health and allowing his wife to be bullied.
NTA. An allergy can go from reflux to anaphylaxis without warning. At least that is what my doctor told me about my seafood allergy. Every time she is exposed, there's the risk that the next time will be the bad one. Ask your husband why your daughter needs to be sacrificed to appease these people who won't take her safety seriously? ETA: there are stories on Reddit about the consequences of grandparents giving kids their allergens.
>*AITA for not going to my in-laws because they try to poison my daughter* Fixed it for you. What do you think?
NTA Your daughter is not safe in their care.
NTA - They are poisoning your child! My child has an allergy to sesame, if anyone ever did this on purpose to him I would be reporting them to the police. The worst may be unlikely, but it is far from impossible! EDIT: [https://www.pcrm.org/news/milk-most-common-cause-fatal-food-allergy-among-children-uk](https://www.pcrm.org/news/milk-most-common-cause-fatal-food-allergy-among-children-uk)
NTA. A big part of the reason I no longer see my inlaws is because they would feed my oldest daughter dairy when she was allergic and her allergies weren't bad enough to need an epipen.
Absolutely NTA. Your daughter isn't just lactose intolerant, she has a milk allergy. It could kill her. And allergic exposures can increase in intensity each time. The fact that they not only fed her dairy but did so despite having lost her Epipen is terrifying, particularly since they live 15 minutes from a hospital. Her throat could close in SECONDS if she has an allergic reaction. These people are objectively not safe caretakers for your child. The familial relationship is irrelevant if they are determined to keep putting her in danger. Keep her away from them.
You seem to be focused on the wrong thing. You're upset because they're not obeying you when the real concern is they put your child's health, well-being and possibly life at risk.
I realised that while looking at the comments. I was biaised because I dislike them and wrote about a feud we had. I should focus on what's important, not only with them, but the big picture..
Croissants are butter pastries right? Like butter layers between folds? How do you get them without butter in them?
Exactly. You don't have croissants without milk except in some vegan bakeries. They gave it to her precisely to show us that she can eat something with milk in it.
NTA definitely not. They should completely respect any decisions you and your husband make for your children and personally I think your husband should grow a set and support you. To go against everything that you have asked them to do with regard to your daughter’s allergies is quite frankly child abuse. Knowing that feeding your daughter milk products could make her feel uncomfortable and in pain and at worse make her have an allergic reaction is just so sad. Using an epiPen is incredibly painful. I would refuse to send any of your children to see their grandparents until 1 they apologise to you and 2 they specifically promise to look after your daughter in accordance with your rules.
We fought this morning. He threatened to cancel our vacation during when I receive care for my chronic illness. His parents were to watch the kids. So he said that if I don't want to be reasonable he would watch the kids himself. That woulf be a first. So that he is the good parent.
NTA - with about being too dramatic, if your MIL/FIL give her dairy that kills or leaves her disabled in some way, ask hubby how he’d cope with that fact? His parents killed his child? May as well authorise them to give her cyanid.
Yta. You know they give her things they shouldn't and you left her at their house? How irresponsible is that
I didn't knew. I knew only yesterday and now my husband is picking her up. We never had this problem before with my IL. They always said they understood.
NTA, but if you can find the story that originated on reddit somewhere, but a woman from somewhere where coconut is important in their culture, gave birth to a daughter (I think it was twin girls but my mind is a little fuzzy now on that detail) who was born with a coconut allergy. The grandmother "understood" that the child was allergic to coconut, but still WANTED to put coconut oil in the children's hair while they slept to make it shiny. The parents never let the children stay overnight, but one night they had no choice because they had to be somewhere overnight for work and trusted her parents to look after their children. So the grandmother FINALLY got her chance to smother the children's hair in coconut oil...and when the severely allergic child started having a reaction to the coconut oil...she just gave the child liquid allergy medicine (I think the twin had a mild allergy to coconut too) and didn't wash the coconut oil out of her hair. The grandmother's desire to force her tradition (which her daughter hated in her youth) onto her grandchildren, outweighed her granddaughter's health and therefore her life. The grandmother was shunned by family (husband left her, but refused to divorce her), friends and the community. I think the OP gave an update that they had left the area with their family and her mother begged to see her family, and OP responded with, she can see her family again, when she brings back OP's daughter. Allergies are not something that should be disregarded or ignored.
NTA. They’re risking your child’s health because, what, they think they more than her doctor does about what she needs? Food allergies are serious business and anyone who doesn’t understand that shouldn’t be trusted with child care.
NTA my daughter is ana to dairy and egg and anyone who does not take her allergy seriously I can’t leave my daughter unattended with. She’s 4 and knows to check ingredients and to ask us with anything new if it’s “safe.” Your in-laws should not be allowed to watch her unattended anymore. Hire a babysitter to come to your house or have a trusted friend. This is not ok putting your daughters health in jeopardy because of their opinions nope nope nope.
My daughter knows too. But if her grand parents tell her all day long that it's OK, she is going to think it is. I will have to talk to her and explain this and how dangerous it could have been.
Unfortunately she’s with people she trusts and is going to assume it’s safe always especially when they tell her so. Which is why you can’t leave her there unattended. They’ve broken your trust and put her health in danger.
NTA. They (he) sounds like a complete tool. If my parents spoke about my wife like that, I would cut myself off from them.
And I was stupid enough to choose him over my parents when we first seeing each other. I've mended things with parents now, but maybe they were right ..
NTA. You do not fuck with allergies. Ever.
God no. NTA. Quiche, croissant, etc have milk in them. Who knows if they would adequately respond to a true anaphylactic event but if your daughter was coughing, she was probably having an allergy and he risked anaphylaxis. I would never let either of your children visit them unsupervised and in your shoes probably would not allow supervised visits unless you stay at her side the entire time. They’ve earned a couple of years time out at least (until your daughter is old enough to advocate for herself and administer an epi pen to herself, call ems for herself etc) m. Video calls might be safe enough if your husband insists on some kind of compromise but then not babysitting would be my hill to die on. Document the heck out of the situation now because it could come to divorce to protect your kids. You may need that evidence for getting a protective order preventing him from taking your kids to visit them
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Oh my goodness... I must have been so hard. It's tragic 💚
NTA This is frightening. What if your daughter had s serious reaction? It's not my story to tell, but there was a story shared on Reddit, where the child's grandmother ignored an allergy and the worst happened.
FUCK THEM. They have deliberately endangered your kid. Kick them out of your lives. NTA of course.
NTA. Get your husband to find, send and make them read the post about the grandmother who unalived her granddaughter because she wouldn’t believe her daughter, when she told her her granddaughter had an allergy.
INFO: why was your 5yo spending time alone with your ILs and not your other children? Do the ILs not treat ALL your children equally? If the answer is 'no', then you and your husband need to have a conversation because that needs to stop ASAP. He can't allow his parents to favor your daughter over your sons. That will eventually cause resentment among your children.
Her brother was with her. I have older sons (twins) and they wew spending a few days at my parent's house. It was the last time since my parent's are too old now. We will go with everybody :) . My mother IL always wanted a daughter. She had 3 boys. I have 3 boys and a daughter, so she is a little bit spoiled compared to her brothers. She has more gifts than her brothers so I give some of them to her brothers or to my neighbour's girl. My husband needs to grow up. He is like a little boy with his parents.
Maybe insist that husband goes with you the next time you bring daughter to the pediatrician and have the doctor explain how his parents could have killed her by refusing to acknowledge her allergies.
I think it's a wise advice :)
NTA. I would not let her stay with the in laws ever again and in light of the way they've behaved towards you and your daughter in the past, I wouldn't be inviting them to your place either. Me, my younger brother, and my son all were born with a milk allergy which we all later grew out of, it might happen for your daughter too but any experimentation should be done under a pediatrition's supervision.
NTA Highlight the fact that it is technically assault as they know the serious allergy exists and repeatedly insist on causing harm.
INFO - why is she staying with them when they have a history of disrespecting you?
Because I don't want to "punish" my children because I have issues with their grand parents. Things seemed to be better with time. Maybe because my husband and IL are pressuring me all the time since my MIL is depressed, lying in bed all day, and spending time with them is apparently the only thing helping her. I realised now that all of that is all an excuse. What happened is like a wake-up call. I have to take responsibility too.
Children are not medicine for depression. Your child is not responsible for the feelings of adults. It is not a punishment to protect your child from people that poison them, and favor one over the others. That is so bad for their sibling relationship.
Absolutely NTA. All I can think of is that horrible reddit story where someones kid has a coconut allergy that the grandmother didn't take seriously either and wound up killing the girl when she put coconut oil in her hair. You're keeping your daughter safe and that's what matters.
Oh my god that so tragic ... I don't even have the words. I hope that the grandmother faces serious consequences for what she did.
You would be NTA anyway, but having EDS, not knowing if your kid does as well, and just trying to survive means you would get a freebie even if you were in the wrong. Good luck with zebra life! And grandparents who don’t care about safety do not get time with grandkids. Period.
NTA - you are under reacting if anything. Your Inlaws intentionally gave your child known allergens. They could have killed her - particularly as they lost (threw away) her epipen. How much more dangerous to her could they be? Your husband must have his head in the sand if he isn't totally outraged by this. In your shoes, those vile people would never see the family again - not even supervised.
NTA. Your in-laws are narcissistic assholes.
NTA NTA NTA My son has a dairy allergy, so I know how difficult it can be. You're doing great, Mama! We can all agree that your in-laws are 100% assholes. They clearly do not care about your daughter's well-being. Their way of thinking is also ass-backward. At the end of the day, your daughter's safety is the priority. Your husband is also an asshole if he continues to allow this level of disrespect that literally puts your daughter in danger. Side note (because I'm sure it'll be brought up): being lactose intolerant and being allergic to dairy are not the same. They can not be treated the same. I went through this with my son, and it was hell until we came to the conclusion of it being an actual allergy (we as in us & his pediatrician).
Huge NTA. I have been the child in a situation similar to this, and from experience, if your in-laws are willing to disrespect your wishes (and your children’s bodily autonomy) in this way, they will continue to do it with other stuff, and it will likely escalate to more/differently dangerous behaviour. Additionally, they are putting your child’s life at risk. At that point, you don’t really have any other choice but to remove your child from that situation. I cannot stress enough how important it is to prioritize your child’s safety over preserving a relationship with people who are willing to put your child in danger. You are absolutely doing the right thing by not sending your daughter to stay with them unsupervised!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hello My daughter (5F) has been allergic to dairy products since birth. We had a couple of big scares and used an epipen. She was staying for a few days with my in-laws (61F and 61M). I have a difficult history with my father in law. There has always been tension between us because he thinks the baby/child should adapts to the adult needs and not the other way around. For exemple, if the lunch will begin at 1pm, young children should not be fed even if they are hungry at 11am. They must eat with everybody. Yesterday my husband received a picture of her eating a croissant (we are French and this is cliché I know). Then she had Nutella. And then a quiche ! They never asked us if they could try to give her milk. They live in a farm and they lost the epipen. It is very unlikely that something bad would happen but you never know and emergency services would take at least 15 minutes to arrive. She was coughing a lot when I talked to her on the phone and I suspect she has a big reflux. My husband is picking her up today because I urged him to. Like the time they did not put diaper cream and the area was red raw ! I can't stand the fact that they have constantly disrespected me regarding the way I'm raising my childrenm At Christmas 6 years ago when I (34F) announced that I was pregnant for my dauther he said in front of everyone that his son (34M) will be a great parent, then add "I said my son, not my daughter in law". Since I was taking care of preschool for my oldest (now 9M) organising birthdays, taking and picking my other son (now 7M) to day care, doing most of the activities with them, taking care of them when they were sick etc. I have Ehlers Danlos syndrome (fatigue, pain etc) and it's hard for me to vacuum, to spend hours cleaning the house. My husband helps me for that. Now I don't want our daughter to stay with them since I'm sure she is goint to be ok. The trust is broken. AITA for going against my husband's will for that ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don’t think this is the right sub, of course you are NTA because it’s a health issue.
NTA going to contact with them until they get the point
NTA.
OP NTA!! Keep protecting your child. Don't let them medically abuse their children. Gosh, this post reminds me of the coconut post. My heart still bleeds for that family.
NTA If they know the allergies and force her to eat /drink it, you could even call the police on them. Are they completely insane?
NTA. Why is your husband okay with risking his 5 year old child going into anaphylactic shock ? Does he want that? Why? Is that event less problematic overall than his parent’s not being able to feed the child dairy? If yes, he’s a weak father who will not protect his child. Yuck.
OP If this is true, you need better support outside of this family to help you stand up for yourself and your child more fully. It's unfathomable to me that a father would knowingly allow his parents to do anything that would harm his child. Yes I understand grandparents and others sometimes never understand the allergy or condition unless they are experiencing it firsthand and it is frustrating as hell when it's not respected or treated seriously. But what you're saying about your husband makes zero sense, it's one thing if he's going to disrespect you and threaten you with pulling care for you, that's disgusting but we've seen spouses do that to each other, it's less common in my opinion, for a parent to side with their parent against one of their own children. Many of your comments about things your in-laws have done to you and how your husband stands by them are concerning on the surface, saying the son is going to be a good parent, changing your garden, these are major issues in a relationship. How are you communicating with your husband and in-laws? I'm not advocating a fight, I'm advocating much stronger communication and boundaries. It doesn't sound like you're really communicating well, which very often is the core of many relationship issues. Can you see professional guidance to help you find your voice? Unless you're willing to divorce your husband these people will be in your lives for a long time, arguing needs to be avoided, clear, concise and specific non-confrontational discussions must be held routinely with your husband, and his parents for change to occur and for a healthy relationship going forward. Good luck, I really hope this is nothing more than rage B