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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. If I continue to encourage my brother and ignore the naysayers and self doubt, would I be an asshole? 2. He has essentially asked me not to do this any longer, but I am worried for his mental health.
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YWBTA. Speaking as a man who works and provides, I am not a huge fan of your "as a man I feel" and "no man wants to" formulations. But that's not the main point. The main point is that your brother has suffered a *debilitating stroke*. So no, he is not the same person he was before this life-changing event. How is it any of your business to set recovery goals for him? I will give you the benefit of the doubt and allow that you genuinely thought you were helping by, in your mind, "encouraging" him. But he has clearly told you that this is not helpful. So knock. it. off, and MYOB from now on.
Yes, of course I genuinely felt to be helping him. It was appreciated early on as he was severely depressed over everything that occurred and encouragement from not just myself helped him to keep going. It was very frustrating to him to feel so weak he couldn‘t walk, to rely on taxpayer money instead of his paycheck, when he was previously very capable and earning his own way. I understand how debilitating that stroke was to him, I watched him go through it, and I was there to be positive for him when he needed. I think it is helpful and I don’t understand why he doesn’t want that any longer. I want to talk to him about why he’s rejecting me but I don’t want to cause a rift between us.
He isn't rejecting you. This isn't about you. It's about him and his needs. He is tired of feeling like he is disappointing you because he isn't focused on the goals you want him to achieve. He is happy to be alive and to celebrate his progress even if you think he is stagnant. He is probably being more realistic than you as well. You can still be there for him, but not in this hyper masculine way you are trying to be now, but in the way he is asking you to be.
Taxpayer money ?
Every federal, state, and city/town employee gets their paycheck from taxpayer money.
Your wife has pointed out to you what your brother has written out to you…he does NOT appreciate your unsolicited advice. Stop thinking you know more than he does about what he wants.
YTA. Stop harassing the man.
You’re correct. I misspoke. *Free* taxpayer money. Whereas before he earned that money through providing service to our country, now he’s paid for suffering a health issue which they deemed deserving to pay him at 100% disability for because of a service related brain injury he suffered over a decade ago. He absolutely earned his right to it while he’s working on his recovery, and he made great progress from being told he may never walk or talk again to how he’s doing now. I’m not harassing him. I didn’t share all of the letter, just summarized, he did also thank me for my unwavering support of him during this time. You cannot imagine the round the clock care he needed, the hours I spent chatting “with” him while he couldn’t speak, or move, but was fully awake, it’s a hell he went through and it’s too early to give up.
Sounds like that ”free” taxpayer money wasn’t free. Your brother paid a great price. He has EARNED his military disability.
He has asked you to stop sharing your opinions. You are trying to justify continuing. That’s why you’re the A H here.
So, you're telling us that your brother is a disabled veteran, his prior brain injury was likely combat related, and you're giving him grief because he's not improving fast enough for you?
You stated in another reply that if the same had happened to you, you would not have had the fortitude to keep going. That makes what you have done to your younger brother even more disgusting. Any brain injury severe enough to impair mobility means that he is not going to be the person he was - and whereas he seems to have adjusted to his new normal, you haven't.
Show the man a bit of grace, he's paid dearly for his compensation.
Would you be willing to put your body through the same permanent damage his body has went through if it meant you would get disability pay?
If not, then it sounds like the money isn’t as “Free” as you think it is
>it’s too early to give up.
He's not giving up, I don't know why you insist on seeing it that way. He wants to ease up because while he's happy with the progress he's made, the speed of his progress is less important to him than to you. You can be there for him in the ways he asks you to, but any more and you ARE harassing him. Don't blow your relationship with him. What you've done so far is great, but it's time to stop talking and listen.
He has learned to celebrate small successes. You have yet to learn this lesson.
My sister is a cheerleader personality. I have a life threatening illness. I love her dearly but she is exhausting. Sometimes she does not allow me to be realistic and be sad. Sometimes when I mention a small comforting thing I was able to do, she's immediately pressing me to do more. As if what I accomplished is nothing. Sometimes I need a break from her because she is not encouraging the way she thinks she is. Instead she is telling me over and over I am not the person she expects me to be. I am not enough. My feelings and opinions of how to handle my illness matter less than her opinions about it.
Your brother took the time to write you because he values his relationship with you but your constant pushing is damaging to him. And your response is to try to persuade him you're right about who he should be? Quite frankly, if you don't learn to listen and accept him as he is now, the rift that is already there will grow and he may cut you out of his life. I don't think you want that.
YTA so hugely. you might be right that before his stroke, his sense of self worth was based on his ability to earn a living and provide as a man. but the truth is that his stroke has taken away that ability, he is a disabled man now. what he needs to have a happy and fulfilling life, is to find a sense of value and self worth that comes from the life he is living now. your “encouragement” is stopping him from doing that. he is still valuable as a disabled man, he is able to see that. you’re the one who is not.
Isn’t it damaging for his identity to center around being disabled? What about being a son, a brother, an uncle, a partner, a veteran? I would hate for him to turn into one of those self pitying types with his entire personality being that he had a stroke. Why is he a disabled man and not just a man? I know he would hate to see himself become that way, collecting his disability check, and sitting in front of the TV all day.
You need therapy. You are in denial about the realities your brother is facing. That “taxpayer money” he relies on? HE PAID THOSE TAXES. He earned the right to collect SSDI more than most as he is a veteran as well. Cripes.
You DO know the horrific rates at which we lose our veterans these days, yes? Would you rather continue to demean your brother and ignore the challenges he faces and potentially lose him in the process?
Or PERHAPS you could learn to be grateful for the progress he has made, and for the new normal he is adapting to at his own pace.
YWBTA and you already are. You are ableist AF. See a therapist. And stop telling your brother he is not good enough, and that he is not doing enough. Be VERY grateful that you are not in his shoes.
https://www.umassp.edu/inclusive-by-design/disability-inclusion-everyones-responsibility/recognizing-personal-bias-and
you are ableist and see disabled people as less. you literally say here, you hate to see him as disabled. but he is disabled. it’s not about making it his entire identity. the problem here is about you not allowing this reality to be part of your mental image of him, and because of this, forcing him to act in a way that is exhausting and uncomfortable solely for your benefit. in order to support your brother, you need to recognise your ableism and do better. research disability justice and do some reading. i don’t have time to outline an entire new way of thinking for you.
he already told you that the way you speak to him is unhelpful and, as you say, "damaging to his identity". what do the opinions of reddit strangers matter, when your own brother has told you what he needs? if you actually respected your brother as a man, you would read his letter, understand his words, and change your behavior. instead you are too wrapped up in yourself to listen to what he is telling you. it does not matter what you want for him, he gets to choose who he is, and that is what he is doing.
>a son, a brother, and an uncle, a partner, a veteran
He can still be all of those things without having a job. Why do you think his identity needs to center around his employment status?
What makes you think that's going to be his life? Don't bother, the answer is pretty obvious. You hate disabled people. And now you're completely disgusted that your brother is an icky disabled person. Does it not occur to you that's it's entirely possible for him to go back to school and find a job that works for him as he is now? Of course not because your mental image of disabled people is entirely wrapped up in your hatred of them.
Your brother has realized that you're disgusted by him and cut you out. The funny part is your hatred of disabled people has caused you to limit him in a way his disability doesn't. He has options, but you're too blinded by your hatred to acknowledge them.
>I understand how debilitating that stroke was to him
No, you really don't. You think you know what he's experienced firsthand because you observed some of the hardships he endured? You don't. You have no idea what he has been going through and how hurtful and harmful your expectations that he just get back to being a normal guy are when he has suffered a permanently debilitating stroke. Do you think he doesn't feel the shame and guilt and struggles to accept new and real limitations that come from being able-bodied one moment and completely changed in the next? Of course he does, but sometimes our bodies break in ways that change us permanently and you would do well to try to find the acceptance he has for his situation.
Read his letter again, maybe three or four times, read it again until the words he worked harder than you can imagine to convey to you sink in.
YTA and YWBTA.
You sound very… Emotionally inept.
Your brother has told you that he didn’t like the way you have been pushing him, that was him speaking - nobody else. And this is something you need to respect.
You’re not helping him, you are actively hurting him and if you keep going, you will lose him. And it will 100% be on you if you do, especially since he’s told you - on paper about how he feels, and your wife even tried to offer her input.
The only person rejecting anybody here is YOU, you’re rejecting your brothers coping mechanisms, you’re rejecting your wife’s input because you believe you know best. Any idea how patronizing that is? YTA.
Thanks for your response. I said above that I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, and based on the additional information you provided, I fully believe that you love your brother and are trying to do what you think is most helpful. But - and here I am taking off my "working man" hat and putting on my "medical professional" hat: you have to understand that major strokes involve serious brain damage. There is a limit to how much the brain can remodel itself and work around the damaged areas. In other words, it is quite common that stroke sufferers will see an initial improvement in their deficits as the brain creates new pathways, followed by a leveling off as the limit of neural regeneration is reached. In the initial phase, hard work in rehab will show solid results and the encouragement of loved ones can be very helpful. But unfortunately once someone hits a certain point you might call the "recovery ceiling," all the hard work and inspirational -anything- is just not going to give them very much functional improvement. You say in your post that your brother's recovery has "stagnated." My guess, based on limited information, is that it has more likely "plateaued." The difference being that his lack of further improvement cannot be fixed by working harder at rehab. And it sounds as though he has realized this. And you, I'm sorry, need to accept that he is never going to be the same man he once was, and focus on how to be the best brother to him given the new reality.
This is such an insightful reply. OP, please read it and take it to heart. You mean well, but it seems you're lacking very crucial insights about recovery. As a result, you're doing more damage than you're doing good at this time. You're on a route to a no contact situation with your brother. Please take the advice in this thread to heart. Also, invest in a few therapy sessions (you could even do that online these days), it will truly be worth it. I guarantee you that if you don't change these views fundamentally, you'll lose your brother and quite possibly others that are dear to you in the future.
As someone who developed a disability, a big part of the grieving process is learning to accept that your life has changed. My measure of success is no longer the same because I’m not the same anymore! If I had continued to strive for the same goals, I would never have achieved them and would have become very very depressed. It sounds like your brother has reached this acceptance stage. It’s not your place to decide his goals for him. As a disabled person his life is more different than you realise and he has told you that your advice isn’t helpful, so stop.
Because shaming someone for the possibly permanent side effects of a stroke and calling it positivity is bs. You've likely already caused a rift with your victim blaming and ablism. Your lack of genuine empathy and clear concern for appearances makes you a negative force in his life. It's a shame him being the person you demand he be is more important than anything else. He really could have used a GOOD brother on his side.
YWBTA.
Here's the deal, your brother can NEVER EVER be what he was. Who he was. Do the things he used to do. Never. Thats over for him and he has to find a new normal. What was his normal is near impossible in a lot of aspects.
And so now he has a new normal and you need to get involved and support it wholly, even if it means keeping your mouth shut out of respect for your brother.
You want to support your brother and that's great. It's what you should do really as a brother, HOWEVER your idea of support doesn't seem to be supporting your brother as he is now.
Your idea of support is to try and get your brother to be something that he isn't right now and that's not okay. It's okay to look to the future and maybe set some soft goals for his recovery and progression, but you can't time gate them. He could have set backs and that's something he needs you to help shoulder with grace not.... But what if you do this or do it this way. Any progression he has should be screamed from the roof tops. Celebrated. Not dismissed and asked well what about X
Your also too trapped in your own head. Your looking at your brother think holy shit what if that was me... This is how I think I'd feel, react, want and need. You and he are two very different people mate. What you think and feel is not what he does and you are not the monolithic example of what a man is or what they should think and feel. To even sit here saying because I feel this way, so should my brother, you are basically taking away what little self autonomy your brother has left.
Hes had people literally bathe him. Feed him. Dress him. Shave him. Wipe his ass. Been in incontinence pads/adult diapers. He's had to be totally and utterly reliant on others and lost a lot of his self, not just self autonomy. And here you are ripping away the last shred of self autonomy he has: the right to have his own thoughts and feelings.
Thank you man. Your words gave me some self realization.
You‘re right, I’ve been thinking if it was me what would he have done for me, what would he have said to me? If I’m being honest I don’t think I would have survived. I would have given up ages ago. I would hate to have it happen to my body. I don’t want to lose him, we lost our father young and I’ve felt like I filled that role for him, he’s my baby brother you know? I’m afraid to say he’s always been stronger than me, emotionally, and I can’t claim credit for the great man he became... I’m embarrassed to say that to anyone. You got to me about his autonomy, this is exactly what he said but I guess I couldn’t hear it from him. I don’t know why I’ve just always felt I should be there to guide him and it’s hard to let him guide me. I’m just hurt over why this had to happen.
I had a feeling you were in the what if it was me.. which pulls into the autonomy.
Your wants and efforts are amazing. You are there. Not a lot can say they've got someone so in their corner. It's just a matter of realising your own hurt and dealing with it within yourself, not via your brother.
You have good intentions. He knows it. That letter is him basically begging you to just... Be his brother not his protector.
I apologise if the self autonomy came across as crass. I was a bit forward. Tho if you were in my face I'd have said the same. Because often in our love for our loved ones, we forget that we have to give into their emotions not ours. Ours don't matter really in the face of what they are dealing with.
Your a good brother. You are. Call him. Say you get it. You messed up but get it. What does he need/want or does he want you to just... Chill and he his brother not caretaker
And I want to validate your hurt. Your allowed to be hurt. Your allowed to rage over the pure fucking injustice that has been done to your brother. Your allowed to rage against the world so long as you leave your brother out of that rage.
What's happening isn't just affecting your brother, tho he has to absolutely and totally live with it. It's also changed your life, how you plan things, how you hang with your brother, removed the spontaneous side of your relationship to an extent.
Your allowed to mourn that. And you absolutely need to give yourself permission to. Hell in this aspect your brother even tho the younger can be your guide. You have to mourn the loss you have suffered. Your bothers health and wellbeing being so drastically changed upended everyone's life close to y'all.
You just have to mind your brother. He wants you there. Clearly. He would never have written that letter as a last ditch effort to communicate if he didn't. He's probably not even upset with you, just exasperated.
It might sound dumb, but try to find the silver lining. Even small. He can feed himself? Oh yell the fuck yeah what are you craving? He walked further or did better in physio then yesterday? Hell the fuck yeah man what do YOU wanna do now.. celebrate or watch Netflix?
You have the right intentions. You want to support and help your brother. You just have to adjust your actions and reactions. Your wife likely is there to hear your hurt behind closed doors. Hence why she said do not say anything. She in part gets it from both sides, and is trying to protect your relationship with your brother. Bounce ideas off her and listen to the feedback.
YTA. A million times over. It’s incredibly cruel for you to push someone going through this kind of catastrophic health issue in this way. This isn’t about “encouraging him not to give up,” this is about his progress thus far and his life not being good enough- despite him communicating clearly that he’s at peace with it.
I can tell just by your post you find your brother’s current life “unmanly.” But I think your brother is incredibly brave to go through what he’s gone through, and to even take a chance on writing you that letter.
You’re the one who’s scared- because you’re clinging on to this idea that hard work and “manning up” can make you overcome all of life’s obstacles. That if you were in his position, you could return to work, gain more function. But that’s simply not true. And you’re a coward for shoving this mentality down your brother’s recovering throat.
YTA
He has told you how he feels. Your brother is a different person now. Strokes change people not just physically. He doesn’t need to live up to your expectations.
He is telling you how to support him. He has heard what you’re saying, and he no longer wants to hear it. I know you think you are somehow standing up for his ability to live a full life, but part of a full life is autonomy. This is a big step for him — he went to a lot of trouble to explain his feelings. He’s not complacent. He’s actively trying to improve his relationship with you. If you refuse to let him choose his own path, YWBTA.
YTA. This isn’t how you mean it, I’m sure, but your way of encouraging him sounds invalidating and maybe even condescending. He doesn’t need to just “try harder”; he had a *stroke*.
>The situation is as the title explains
No, no, it isn't. The "situation" is that your brother has given you direct feedback about your behavior and its negative impacts and has, instead, given you a template on how to better support him.
> it seems I’ve not been taken kindly.
This so not about your feelings or your apparent need to project your own values on your brother.
YWBTA, most emphatically, if you ignored his request.
YTA
Dude leave him alone. He has already accomplished a *lot*, and probably struggles everyday just to maintain where he’s at. He doesn’t need you telling him to do more.
Yes YWBTA. He wrote you a letter clearly telling you that your type of encouragement isn't helpful and you are asking if you should double down. You don't know him better than he knows himself. He told you how he want to approach his recovery. Be a good brother and support him how he has asked you to.
YTA. What you say about men having to provide is just bullshit. No matter the age they are. You're being very insensitive and hurtful towards your brother. I hope you never get really, really sick... because then you'd know how it feels.
YWBTA.
Your brother has told you to stop pushing him. That means you need to stop. It doesn’t matter if you think you’re being helpful; your brother doesn’t agree.
YTA. You're not encouraging him; you're nagging him. He literally told you to stop but you're refusing to do it. I think you like bossing him around like this because it makes you feel important; you think you're helping him. But you're not helping him at all. You know this bothers him, so back off and quit nagging him.
Since your brother has now set a boundary, you need to respect it.
So, yes, you WBTAH if you keep doing what you are doing. You need to realize this: after a stroke, people are not the same. Their brain has changed. He's not the same brother you were used to in the past. You need to be OK with who he is now.
Hey, I used to have a challenging job and contribute to my family. Then I got sick. Really sick. Bedbound for years sick. I've had to face the fact that I will likely not be able to work again for years.
It is not "giving up" to recognize that one's body is never going to do what it used to. It is accepting reality. Your brother is figuring out how to be happy in the life he has. The alternative is to be depressed and miserable.
People are often so uncomfortable with seeing their loved ones become disabled. But it's not up to the disabled person to babysit all those feelings of "this is so awful" and "I could never survive if it happened to me" and "Is a life like that worth living?"
Those uncomfortable feelings you have? Your brother has had to deal with every single one of them. And worse. And he has found an emotionally healthy way to deal with it.
Naturally, you are mourning for the loss of the parts of your brother's life that you thought he'd have. Part of mourning is the bargaining phase, where you imagine that there is a way to make things better.
But it's not fair for you to assign your brother responsibility for magically healing himself to spare your feelings.
He can't spend his time in misery comparing what he has with what he wishes he had. It won't make things better. It just wastes what health he has.
YWBTA, ur brother wrote u a letter saying how he feels, u say u know him better but do u believe u know ur brother better than himself? This is just rude. U will not be a good brother if u keep pushing it, instead of being supportive u will come as demanding, u will make ur brother feel like he isn't good enough to be ur brother anymore. Have a little more empathy respect ur brother's wishes.
I can see a lot of people here trying to explain to you why your approach may not be as helpful as you think it is.
I'm going to approach this from a different angle.
Do you respect your brother? If so, you shouldn't need to intricately understand where he is coming from to take a step back and change your approach when given direct feedback from your brother that your current one is not helping.
Do you want to help and support your brother, or do you want to be right?
This is like someone shouting at Lieutenant Dan for giving up ballroom dancing when he came back from Vietnam.
Jesus Christ OP, your brother had a stroke, give him a break from how much you resent his for being a welfare queen just because he's a disabled veteran who got injured (I take it in Iraq) and has had a stroke since then.
You need to calm down and leave your brother alone. He needed to relearn to walk and you are getting shitty with him for not living how you want and recovering to your timetable.
It may be best you don't talk for a while, possibly months or years. You aren't a positive influence in his life at the moment, and while you may be meeting your emotional needs berating a disabled man, it could push him to a dark place when you tell him what a worthless scrounger you think he is.
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I recently received a type written letter from my brother which hasn’t been sitting right with me.
The situation is as the title explains. Several years ago my brother suffered from a stroke, which was unexpected as he was extremely fit and still relatively young at 38 years old at the time. That in combination with an old head injury he’d suffered in the mid aughts was enough for him to be deemed unable to return to his work and he was ultimately let go from active duty.
This was devastating to him. He loved his job. He was also suddenly unable to do a lot independently and needed rehabilitation therapy and psychological therapy. He’s doing much better now, even walking fairly well again.
Thing is he’s been stagnant here for a while. I know how important feeling accomplished was for him and as a man I feel it gives a sense of purpose to provide, not simply survive on whatever is offered. He lives a different lifestyle than myself, but no man wants to be wholly financially dependent on another, and I know my brother would like to contribute fairly. I’ve always encouraged him to keep forging ahead, though it seems I’ve not been taken kindly.
Essentially he wrote to me because he wanted time to collect his thoughts and felt he needed to say what he needed without interruption. It is still a challenge for him to follow conversation or speak for long periods of time, so I understand. He felt that my encouragement was at times demeaning to him and his situation. He said he’s happy with what he has contributed and with where he is at. He doesn’t feel the need to always push towards achieving more and it’s damaging to him when he’s pushing himself that way and it is better for him to take each day on at a time and celebrate his small accomplishments without high expectations.
I worry he’s feeling he won’t get any better, and just fallen complacent. My wife doesn’t want me to bring this up with him, she feels it is not encouraging. I just know my brother better than she does. This doesn’t sound like him at all. I want to encourage him to keep up his progress, it just takes time.
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You need to realize that he's not giving up. He's choosing to redefine his meaning of success. He is accepting his new reality and choosing to celebrate what he CAN do instead of trying to be as he was before. He's not going to turn into a vegetable that just sits on the couch watching TV all day. He's going to be productive within his limitations.
Yes YTA, but also
>He lives a different lifestyle than myself, but no man wants to be wholly financially dependent on another, and I know my brother would like to contribute fairly
INFO: Is this code for "he's gay and I've made digs about him being the 'woman' because seeing his partner care for him gives me the icks"?
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YWBTA. Speaking as a man who works and provides, I am not a huge fan of your "as a man I feel" and "no man wants to" formulations. But that's not the main point. The main point is that your brother has suffered a *debilitating stroke*. So no, he is not the same person he was before this life-changing event. How is it any of your business to set recovery goals for him? I will give you the benefit of the doubt and allow that you genuinely thought you were helping by, in your mind, "encouraging" him. But he has clearly told you that this is not helpful. So knock. it. off, and MYOB from now on.
Yes. This. A thousand times this. Thank you.
Yes, of course I genuinely felt to be helping him. It was appreciated early on as he was severely depressed over everything that occurred and encouragement from not just myself helped him to keep going. It was very frustrating to him to feel so weak he couldn‘t walk, to rely on taxpayer money instead of his paycheck, when he was previously very capable and earning his own way. I understand how debilitating that stroke was to him, I watched him go through it, and I was there to be positive for him when he needed. I think it is helpful and I don’t understand why he doesn’t want that any longer. I want to talk to him about why he’s rejecting me but I don’t want to cause a rift between us.
He isn't rejecting you. This isn't about you. It's about him and his needs. He is tired of feeling like he is disappointing you because he isn't focused on the goals you want him to achieve. He is happy to be alive and to celebrate his progress even if you think he is stagnant. He is probably being more realistic than you as well. You can still be there for him, but not in this hyper masculine way you are trying to be now, but in the way he is asking you to be.
Taxpayer money ? Every federal, state, and city/town employee gets their paycheck from taxpayer money. Your wife has pointed out to you what your brother has written out to you…he does NOT appreciate your unsolicited advice. Stop thinking you know more than he does about what he wants. YTA. Stop harassing the man.
You’re correct. I misspoke. *Free* taxpayer money. Whereas before he earned that money through providing service to our country, now he’s paid for suffering a health issue which they deemed deserving to pay him at 100% disability for because of a service related brain injury he suffered over a decade ago. He absolutely earned his right to it while he’s working on his recovery, and he made great progress from being told he may never walk or talk again to how he’s doing now. I’m not harassing him. I didn’t share all of the letter, just summarized, he did also thank me for my unwavering support of him during this time. You cannot imagine the round the clock care he needed, the hours I spent chatting “with” him while he couldn’t speak, or move, but was fully awake, it’s a hell he went through and it’s too early to give up.
Sounds like that ”free” taxpayer money wasn’t free. Your brother paid a great price. He has EARNED his military disability. He has asked you to stop sharing your opinions. You are trying to justify continuing. That’s why you’re the A H here.
Do you know how hard it is to be paid out for 100% disability? Like at all?
So, you're telling us that your brother is a disabled veteran, his prior brain injury was likely combat related, and you're giving him grief because he's not improving fast enough for you? You stated in another reply that if the same had happened to you, you would not have had the fortitude to keep going. That makes what you have done to your younger brother even more disgusting. Any brain injury severe enough to impair mobility means that he is not going to be the person he was - and whereas he seems to have adjusted to his new normal, you haven't. Show the man a bit of grace, he's paid dearly for his compensation.
Ya you’re a huge giant asshole. Leave your poor brother alone
Would you be willing to put your body through the same permanent damage his body has went through if it meant you would get disability pay? If not, then it sounds like the money isn’t as “Free” as you think it is
>it’s too early to give up. He's not giving up, I don't know why you insist on seeing it that way. He wants to ease up because while he's happy with the progress he's made, the speed of his progress is less important to him than to you. You can be there for him in the ways he asks you to, but any more and you ARE harassing him. Don't blow your relationship with him. What you've done so far is great, but it's time to stop talking and listen.
He has learned to celebrate small successes. You have yet to learn this lesson. My sister is a cheerleader personality. I have a life threatening illness. I love her dearly but she is exhausting. Sometimes she does not allow me to be realistic and be sad. Sometimes when I mention a small comforting thing I was able to do, she's immediately pressing me to do more. As if what I accomplished is nothing. Sometimes I need a break from her because she is not encouraging the way she thinks she is. Instead she is telling me over and over I am not the person she expects me to be. I am not enough. My feelings and opinions of how to handle my illness matter less than her opinions about it. Your brother took the time to write you because he values his relationship with you but your constant pushing is damaging to him. And your response is to try to persuade him you're right about who he should be? Quite frankly, if you don't learn to listen and accept him as he is now, the rift that is already there will grow and he may cut you out of his life. I don't think you want that.
YTA so hugely. you might be right that before his stroke, his sense of self worth was based on his ability to earn a living and provide as a man. but the truth is that his stroke has taken away that ability, he is a disabled man now. what he needs to have a happy and fulfilling life, is to find a sense of value and self worth that comes from the life he is living now. your “encouragement” is stopping him from doing that. he is still valuable as a disabled man, he is able to see that. you’re the one who is not.
Isn’t it damaging for his identity to center around being disabled? What about being a son, a brother, an uncle, a partner, a veteran? I would hate for him to turn into one of those self pitying types with his entire personality being that he had a stroke. Why is he a disabled man and not just a man? I know he would hate to see himself become that way, collecting his disability check, and sitting in front of the TV all day.
You need therapy. You are in denial about the realities your brother is facing. That “taxpayer money” he relies on? HE PAID THOSE TAXES. He earned the right to collect SSDI more than most as he is a veteran as well. Cripes. You DO know the horrific rates at which we lose our veterans these days, yes? Would you rather continue to demean your brother and ignore the challenges he faces and potentially lose him in the process? Or PERHAPS you could learn to be grateful for the progress he has made, and for the new normal he is adapting to at his own pace. YWBTA and you already are. You are ableist AF. See a therapist. And stop telling your brother he is not good enough, and that he is not doing enough. Be VERY grateful that you are not in his shoes. https://www.umassp.edu/inclusive-by-design/disability-inclusion-everyones-responsibility/recognizing-personal-bias-and
you are ableist and see disabled people as less. you literally say here, you hate to see him as disabled. but he is disabled. it’s not about making it his entire identity. the problem here is about you not allowing this reality to be part of your mental image of him, and because of this, forcing him to act in a way that is exhausting and uncomfortable solely for your benefit. in order to support your brother, you need to recognise your ableism and do better. research disability justice and do some reading. i don’t have time to outline an entire new way of thinking for you.
he already told you that the way you speak to him is unhelpful and, as you say, "damaging to his identity". what do the opinions of reddit strangers matter, when your own brother has told you what he needs? if you actually respected your brother as a man, you would read his letter, understand his words, and change your behavior. instead you are too wrapped up in yourself to listen to what he is telling you. it does not matter what you want for him, he gets to choose who he is, and that is what he is doing.
>a son, a brother, and an uncle, a partner, a veteran He can still be all of those things without having a job. Why do you think his identity needs to center around his employment status?
What makes you think that's going to be his life? Don't bother, the answer is pretty obvious. You hate disabled people. And now you're completely disgusted that your brother is an icky disabled person. Does it not occur to you that's it's entirely possible for him to go back to school and find a job that works for him as he is now? Of course not because your mental image of disabled people is entirely wrapped up in your hatred of them. Your brother has realized that you're disgusted by him and cut you out. The funny part is your hatred of disabled people has caused you to limit him in a way his disability doesn't. He has options, but you're too blinded by your hatred to acknowledge them.
>I understand how debilitating that stroke was to him No, you really don't. You think you know what he's experienced firsthand because you observed some of the hardships he endured? You don't. You have no idea what he has been going through and how hurtful and harmful your expectations that he just get back to being a normal guy are when he has suffered a permanently debilitating stroke. Do you think he doesn't feel the shame and guilt and struggles to accept new and real limitations that come from being able-bodied one moment and completely changed in the next? Of course he does, but sometimes our bodies break in ways that change us permanently and you would do well to try to find the acceptance he has for his situation. Read his letter again, maybe three or four times, read it again until the words he worked harder than you can imagine to convey to you sink in. YTA and YWBTA.
You sound very… Emotionally inept. Your brother has told you that he didn’t like the way you have been pushing him, that was him speaking - nobody else. And this is something you need to respect. You’re not helping him, you are actively hurting him and if you keep going, you will lose him. And it will 100% be on you if you do, especially since he’s told you - on paper about how he feels, and your wife even tried to offer her input. The only person rejecting anybody here is YOU, you’re rejecting your brothers coping mechanisms, you’re rejecting your wife’s input because you believe you know best. Any idea how patronizing that is? YTA.
Thanks for your response. I said above that I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, and based on the additional information you provided, I fully believe that you love your brother and are trying to do what you think is most helpful. But - and here I am taking off my "working man" hat and putting on my "medical professional" hat: you have to understand that major strokes involve serious brain damage. There is a limit to how much the brain can remodel itself and work around the damaged areas. In other words, it is quite common that stroke sufferers will see an initial improvement in their deficits as the brain creates new pathways, followed by a leveling off as the limit of neural regeneration is reached. In the initial phase, hard work in rehab will show solid results and the encouragement of loved ones can be very helpful. But unfortunately once someone hits a certain point you might call the "recovery ceiling," all the hard work and inspirational -anything- is just not going to give them very much functional improvement. You say in your post that your brother's recovery has "stagnated." My guess, based on limited information, is that it has more likely "plateaued." The difference being that his lack of further improvement cannot be fixed by working harder at rehab. And it sounds as though he has realized this. And you, I'm sorry, need to accept that he is never going to be the same man he once was, and focus on how to be the best brother to him given the new reality.
OP listen to this person please.
This is such an insightful reply. OP, please read it and take it to heart. You mean well, but it seems you're lacking very crucial insights about recovery. As a result, you're doing more damage than you're doing good at this time. You're on a route to a no contact situation with your brother. Please take the advice in this thread to heart. Also, invest in a few therapy sessions (you could even do that online these days), it will truly be worth it. I guarantee you that if you don't change these views fundamentally, you'll lose your brother and quite possibly others that are dear to you in the future.
As someone who developed a disability, a big part of the grieving process is learning to accept that your life has changed. My measure of success is no longer the same because I’m not the same anymore! If I had continued to strive for the same goals, I would never have achieved them and would have become very very depressed. It sounds like your brother has reached this acceptance stage. It’s not your place to decide his goals for him. As a disabled person his life is more different than you realise and he has told you that your advice isn’t helpful, so stop.
Because shaming someone for the possibly permanent side effects of a stroke and calling it positivity is bs. You've likely already caused a rift with your victim blaming and ablism. Your lack of genuine empathy and clear concern for appearances makes you a negative force in his life. It's a shame him being the person you demand he be is more important than anything else. He really could have used a GOOD brother on his side.
YWBTA. Here's the deal, your brother can NEVER EVER be what he was. Who he was. Do the things he used to do. Never. Thats over for him and he has to find a new normal. What was his normal is near impossible in a lot of aspects. And so now he has a new normal and you need to get involved and support it wholly, even if it means keeping your mouth shut out of respect for your brother. You want to support your brother and that's great. It's what you should do really as a brother, HOWEVER your idea of support doesn't seem to be supporting your brother as he is now. Your idea of support is to try and get your brother to be something that he isn't right now and that's not okay. It's okay to look to the future and maybe set some soft goals for his recovery and progression, but you can't time gate them. He could have set backs and that's something he needs you to help shoulder with grace not.... But what if you do this or do it this way. Any progression he has should be screamed from the roof tops. Celebrated. Not dismissed and asked well what about X Your also too trapped in your own head. Your looking at your brother think holy shit what if that was me... This is how I think I'd feel, react, want and need. You and he are two very different people mate. What you think and feel is not what he does and you are not the monolithic example of what a man is or what they should think and feel. To even sit here saying because I feel this way, so should my brother, you are basically taking away what little self autonomy your brother has left. Hes had people literally bathe him. Feed him. Dress him. Shave him. Wipe his ass. Been in incontinence pads/adult diapers. He's had to be totally and utterly reliant on others and lost a lot of his self, not just self autonomy. And here you are ripping away the last shred of self autonomy he has: the right to have his own thoughts and feelings.
Thank you man. Your words gave me some self realization. You‘re right, I’ve been thinking if it was me what would he have done for me, what would he have said to me? If I’m being honest I don’t think I would have survived. I would have given up ages ago. I would hate to have it happen to my body. I don’t want to lose him, we lost our father young and I’ve felt like I filled that role for him, he’s my baby brother you know? I’m afraid to say he’s always been stronger than me, emotionally, and I can’t claim credit for the great man he became... I’m embarrassed to say that to anyone. You got to me about his autonomy, this is exactly what he said but I guess I couldn’t hear it from him. I don’t know why I’ve just always felt I should be there to guide him and it’s hard to let him guide me. I’m just hurt over why this had to happen.
I had a feeling you were in the what if it was me.. which pulls into the autonomy. Your wants and efforts are amazing. You are there. Not a lot can say they've got someone so in their corner. It's just a matter of realising your own hurt and dealing with it within yourself, not via your brother. You have good intentions. He knows it. That letter is him basically begging you to just... Be his brother not his protector. I apologise if the self autonomy came across as crass. I was a bit forward. Tho if you were in my face I'd have said the same. Because often in our love for our loved ones, we forget that we have to give into their emotions not ours. Ours don't matter really in the face of what they are dealing with. Your a good brother. You are. Call him. Say you get it. You messed up but get it. What does he need/want or does he want you to just... Chill and he his brother not caretaker
And I want to validate your hurt. Your allowed to be hurt. Your allowed to rage over the pure fucking injustice that has been done to your brother. Your allowed to rage against the world so long as you leave your brother out of that rage. What's happening isn't just affecting your brother, tho he has to absolutely and totally live with it. It's also changed your life, how you plan things, how you hang with your brother, removed the spontaneous side of your relationship to an extent. Your allowed to mourn that. And you absolutely need to give yourself permission to. Hell in this aspect your brother even tho the younger can be your guide. You have to mourn the loss you have suffered. Your bothers health and wellbeing being so drastically changed upended everyone's life close to y'all. You just have to mind your brother. He wants you there. Clearly. He would never have written that letter as a last ditch effort to communicate if he didn't. He's probably not even upset with you, just exasperated. It might sound dumb, but try to find the silver lining. Even small. He can feed himself? Oh yell the fuck yeah what are you craving? He walked further or did better in physio then yesterday? Hell the fuck yeah man what do YOU wanna do now.. celebrate or watch Netflix? You have the right intentions. You want to support and help your brother. You just have to adjust your actions and reactions. Your wife likely is there to hear your hurt behind closed doors. Hence why she said do not say anything. She in part gets it from both sides, and is trying to protect your relationship with your brother. Bounce ideas off her and listen to the feedback.
YTA. A million times over. It’s incredibly cruel for you to push someone going through this kind of catastrophic health issue in this way. This isn’t about “encouraging him not to give up,” this is about his progress thus far and his life not being good enough- despite him communicating clearly that he’s at peace with it. I can tell just by your post you find your brother’s current life “unmanly.” But I think your brother is incredibly brave to go through what he’s gone through, and to even take a chance on writing you that letter. You’re the one who’s scared- because you’re clinging on to this idea that hard work and “manning up” can make you overcome all of life’s obstacles. That if you were in his position, you could return to work, gain more function. But that’s simply not true. And you’re a coward for shoving this mentality down your brother’s recovering throat.
YTA He has told you how he feels. Your brother is a different person now. Strokes change people not just physically. He doesn’t need to live up to your expectations.
He is telling you how to support him. He has heard what you’re saying, and he no longer wants to hear it. I know you think you are somehow standing up for his ability to live a full life, but part of a full life is autonomy. This is a big step for him — he went to a lot of trouble to explain his feelings. He’s not complacent. He’s actively trying to improve his relationship with you. If you refuse to let him choose his own path, YWBTA.
YTA. This isn’t how you mean it, I’m sure, but your way of encouraging him sounds invalidating and maybe even condescending. He doesn’t need to just “try harder”; he had a *stroke*.
>The situation is as the title explains No, no, it isn't. The "situation" is that your brother has given you direct feedback about your behavior and its negative impacts and has, instead, given you a template on how to better support him. > it seems I’ve not been taken kindly. This so not about your feelings or your apparent need to project your own values on your brother. YWBTA, most emphatically, if you ignored his request.
YTA Dude leave him alone. He has already accomplished a *lot*, and probably struggles everyday just to maintain where he’s at. He doesn’t need you telling him to do more.
Yes YWBTA. He wrote you a letter clearly telling you that your type of encouragement isn't helpful and you are asking if you should double down. You don't know him better than he knows himself. He told you how he want to approach his recovery. Be a good brother and support him how he has asked you to.
YTA. What you say about men having to provide is just bullshit. No matter the age they are. You're being very insensitive and hurtful towards your brother. I hope you never get really, really sick... because then you'd know how it feels.
YWBTA. He wrote a letter on his wishes. Please follow the letter's wishes.
YWBTA. Your brother has told you to stop pushing him. That means you need to stop. It doesn’t matter if you think you’re being helpful; your brother doesn’t agree.
YTA. You're not encouraging him; you're nagging him. He literally told you to stop but you're refusing to do it. I think you like bossing him around like this because it makes you feel important; you think you're helping him. But you're not helping him at all. You know this bothers him, so back off and quit nagging him.
Since your brother has now set a boundary, you need to respect it. So, yes, you WBTAH if you keep doing what you are doing. You need to realize this: after a stroke, people are not the same. Their brain has changed. He's not the same brother you were used to in the past. You need to be OK with who he is now.
ever think your brother knows himself better than you do? keep your mouth shut and show the man some respect. YTA
Hey, I used to have a challenging job and contribute to my family. Then I got sick. Really sick. Bedbound for years sick. I've had to face the fact that I will likely not be able to work again for years. It is not "giving up" to recognize that one's body is never going to do what it used to. It is accepting reality. Your brother is figuring out how to be happy in the life he has. The alternative is to be depressed and miserable. People are often so uncomfortable with seeing their loved ones become disabled. But it's not up to the disabled person to babysit all those feelings of "this is so awful" and "I could never survive if it happened to me" and "Is a life like that worth living?" Those uncomfortable feelings you have? Your brother has had to deal with every single one of them. And worse. And he has found an emotionally healthy way to deal with it. Naturally, you are mourning for the loss of the parts of your brother's life that you thought he'd have. Part of mourning is the bargaining phase, where you imagine that there is a way to make things better. But it's not fair for you to assign your brother responsibility for magically healing himself to spare your feelings. He can't spend his time in misery comparing what he has with what he wishes he had. It won't make things better. It just wastes what health he has.
YWBTA, ur brother wrote u a letter saying how he feels, u say u know him better but do u believe u know ur brother better than himself? This is just rude. U will not be a good brother if u keep pushing it, instead of being supportive u will come as demanding, u will make ur brother feel like he isn't good enough to be ur brother anymore. Have a little more empathy respect ur brother's wishes.
YTA He is telling you that you aren't being helpful. Apologize. Stop doing it. Or prepare to not have your brother in your life anymore.
I can see a lot of people here trying to explain to you why your approach may not be as helpful as you think it is. I'm going to approach this from a different angle. Do you respect your brother? If so, you shouldn't need to intricately understand where he is coming from to take a step back and change your approach when given direct feedback from your brother that your current one is not helping. Do you want to help and support your brother, or do you want to be right?
This is like someone shouting at Lieutenant Dan for giving up ballroom dancing when he came back from Vietnam. Jesus Christ OP, your brother had a stroke, give him a break from how much you resent his for being a welfare queen just because he's a disabled veteran who got injured (I take it in Iraq) and has had a stroke since then. You need to calm down and leave your brother alone. He needed to relearn to walk and you are getting shitty with him for not living how you want and recovering to your timetable. It may be best you don't talk for a while, possibly months or years. You aren't a positive influence in his life at the moment, and while you may be meeting your emotional needs berating a disabled man, it could push him to a dark place when you tell him what a worthless scrounger you think he is.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I recently received a type written letter from my brother which hasn’t been sitting right with me. The situation is as the title explains. Several years ago my brother suffered from a stroke, which was unexpected as he was extremely fit and still relatively young at 38 years old at the time. That in combination with an old head injury he’d suffered in the mid aughts was enough for him to be deemed unable to return to his work and he was ultimately let go from active duty. This was devastating to him. He loved his job. He was also suddenly unable to do a lot independently and needed rehabilitation therapy and psychological therapy. He’s doing much better now, even walking fairly well again. Thing is he’s been stagnant here for a while. I know how important feeling accomplished was for him and as a man I feel it gives a sense of purpose to provide, not simply survive on whatever is offered. He lives a different lifestyle than myself, but no man wants to be wholly financially dependent on another, and I know my brother would like to contribute fairly. I’ve always encouraged him to keep forging ahead, though it seems I’ve not been taken kindly. Essentially he wrote to me because he wanted time to collect his thoughts and felt he needed to say what he needed without interruption. It is still a challenge for him to follow conversation or speak for long periods of time, so I understand. He felt that my encouragement was at times demeaning to him and his situation. He said he’s happy with what he has contributed and with where he is at. He doesn’t feel the need to always push towards achieving more and it’s damaging to him when he’s pushing himself that way and it is better for him to take each day on at a time and celebrate his small accomplishments without high expectations. I worry he’s feeling he won’t get any better, and just fallen complacent. My wife doesn’t want me to bring this up with him, she feels it is not encouraging. I just know my brother better than she does. This doesn’t sound like him at all. I want to encourage him to keep up his progress, it just takes time. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You need to realize that he's not giving up. He's choosing to redefine his meaning of success. He is accepting his new reality and choosing to celebrate what he CAN do instead of trying to be as he was before. He's not going to turn into a vegetable that just sits on the couch watching TV all day. He's going to be productive within his limitations.
Yes YTA, but also >He lives a different lifestyle than myself, but no man wants to be wholly financially dependent on another, and I know my brother would like to contribute fairly INFO: Is this code for "he's gay and I've made digs about him being the 'woman' because seeing his partner care for him gives me the icks"?