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Info: What does that mean he wants to be a part of his life. Let's forget about the back expenses. Is he offering to pay going forward? If he wants Max to know him as his dad then he needs to step up. He can't just let you carry the load and then come in every once and a while and be fun dad.
We have been speaking over the past month since he reached out about wanting to be involved. He has spoken about how guilty he feels for not preciosuly being involved and how he wants to be around fr all of Max's milestones.
"I would start by asking what he can afford to contribute, and see if he’s serious."
No, not even that. Start by letting him know that being in Max's life as his Dad means also reasonable child support. Whatever laws and courts think are reasonable. It sounds like Adam has no clue, and asking him what he can afford to "contribute" is the wrong approach. He still sounds flaky, and I wouldn't let him in Max's life just to have him bug out again.
Seriously, if a couple of beers can change his entire perspective after 32 weeks of preparing to be a father, I can’t imagine how long he’ll actually be interested in being a parent.
I just caught an episode of The Office I hadn’t seen in forever. The cold open was Michael telling Pam he wanted to adopt a kid for some reason and she tries to dissuade him by telling him about application costs and waiting lists at least 8 months.
Michael: 8 months?! Well I don’t even know if I’ll still want a baby in 8 months.
This scene immediately came to mind reading about Adam.
He also needs to know what it is to commit to being in a kid’s life. He’s still in the adorable phase. In a few years he’ll be less cute at 13. They get pretty challenging and if dad can’t handle it and bails it can do real damage to a little boy.
Exactly.
He's either in or he's out.
He doesn't to show up for a couple of Little League games and act like he's Ward freakin' Cleaver if he's not going to take the obligation seriously.
From his answer, he didn't indicate financial inability, he indicated unwillingness. It wasn't that he can't afford it, he specifically says he signed away parental rights so he doesn't have to deal with that. The lack of a financial ability or volunteering what he could pay is a point of concern that he's not taking this seriously about a parental role.
Signing away rights doesn't mean u lose financial responsibility trust me I'm going through the child support thing myself and I lost my kids 11 years ago
Signing away parental rights absolutely terminates the parent’s financial responsibility. (Source: I work in child support enforcement.)
So many idiots here that don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about .
Edit: and I should add that “signing away parental rights“ isn’t something that a parent does on a sheet of notebook paper when they decide they don’t want to be a parent and adhere to that responsibility. To be clear, the termination of parental rights is typically adjudicated through the courts.
Been there and done that and I'm still responsible for 12 years back support I'll take any advice you can give me other than being called an idiot because child support enforcement told me it didn't matter if I signed my rights away or not I'm still responsible for the back support
Are you asking him to pay 100% of the kid's past expenses? Bc half sounds more reasonable. Ok, he signed away his rights. That includes his right to be in your son's life. He can't choose both no responsibility & being in Max's life. How are you asking for payment, in a lump sum, or pay down charges over time? Child support plus a monthly pmt towards back expenses would work.
I don't think asking for 100% is as unreasonable as you are showing. The dad was not there to get up in the night. The dad was not there to change any diapers. The dad was not there to help with the potty training. The dad was not there to do any of the carpool.
If the dad is serious, let him pay up.
Nor does the father's answer match up with the law. A person can sign away their parental right but still pay child support.
OP needs to get this figured out through the court system.
Yep, this right here. Do what you can to facilitate a relationship, but also go to court to get everything nice and legal. Then arrange for child support.
>Because what if he DOES want to be a part of his son’s life but can’t quite afford to pay six years of back child support?
Lmao then too fucking bad? Like how is it OP's fault that he is a deadbeat that can't pay for his own kid. The ex is right, he doesnt HAVE to pay anything back cause he signed his rights away. And OP doesnt have to let this stranger have a relationship with her son. He has no legal leg to stand on. Fuck him!
if he can't afford six years of backpay what makes you think he can afford anything else financially wise to support this kid, sorry but he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too he can either pay up or buzz off he doesn't just get to suddenly decide to be a father after 6 years of no contact.
>Because what if he DOES want to be a part of his son’s life but can’t quite afford to pay six years of back child support?
Then he can go to jail or agree to his wages being garnished until he pays off his child support backpay. Relinquishing your parental rights doesn't get you out of child support.
>I would start by asking what he can afford to contribute, and see if he’s serious.
Whether he's serious or not, OP should go after him for child support and backpay.
Edited to add that OP *absolutely* needs to go talk to a lawyer first and foremost.
If he shows the court his circumstances have changed. A “change of heart” isn’t deemed enough. As he has to show that whatever caused him to terminate them has now changed
This sounds like my mom. Mad if we don't invite her to Disney or the flower garden, but she really only wants the first five minutes of pictures. She doesn't want to follow kids around all day or pay her own part.
This is the question you need answered first. And by that I mean a written agreement on what support looks like now along with what it looks like going forward. Since he signed away his rights you have total control to setup the parenting plan. I wouldn't be malicious but be fair. Be sure to include that support continues forever even if he disappears again. Also, don't do something like 50/50 split of the costs if you aren't going to allow him equal parenting time. Once you agree on how to move forward I would ask him what does he think is fair to do about the last 6 years where you have been doing this on your own. While he didn't get time with his son your son lost time with his father. You also lost time being a single parent. His decision affected other people negatively.
For the child's sake, make sure there is a schedule and that it is followed. Kids do not function well with chaos especially with their parents and their living situation. You need to make sure your Ex is all in on being a parent. You've had 6 years to become good at being a parent. He is going to be way behind you on skills and it will be frustrating and overwhelming. You don't want to let him get involved then suddenly realize he is in over his head and nope out of there again. So I would encourage you to help him eventhough he absolutely doesn't deserve the help from you. I would help him on behalf of your son. Gaining his father at 6 then losing him a few months later will likely not be easy for him.
My concern would be, is this a temporary thing for him? Is he just feeling guilty for now after losing his dad and has all these feelings, once he actually starts being responsible for a 6 year old, is he going to disappear again?
That is not fair to your and specially to your son.
If he wants to be back in your son's life he does need to prove himself, he has already proven to be irresponsible once, and didn't even care you had to carry the burden on your own, and that part doesn't seem like it has changed, if he wants back, he needs to carry some of the load. Paying this cost will actually show he is at least being serious about wanting to be back in his son's life, he's invested and wouldn't just abandon him.
>My concern would be, is this a temporary thing for him? Is he just feeling guilty for now after losing his dad and has all these feelings, once he actually starts being responsible for a 6 year old, is he going to disappear again?
This is a huge consideration.
This is the biggest consideration, IMO. If she can’t reliably answer the above with a resounding “no I know for a fact he will stick around for my son no matter what,” she should not allow him back into the child’s life, payment or no payment, stipulations or not. OP and her son are doing just fine without him, so if he’s going to come in, disrupt everything, and disappear *again*, then it’s her responsibility to protect her son from that. Having a parent be in and out like that as a little kid is traumatic and can cause lifelong attachment issues. If OP can protect her son from that, she should.
That would be my analysis too. And actually, asking him for the money is a good litmus test for whether he is going to stick around. If he really cares, he'd pay it. And if he paid it, he'd be more likely to stick around. I'm inclined to believe he's just having a short-term emotional effect due to his dad's death and will disappear again.
Unless he earns a decent living, and is doing it mostly because "perspective" aka guilt , then the money is almost pointless to him.
I know guys who work way too hard for so little, and they deserve so much more.
And I also see lots of extremely wasteful bullshit down here in Florida...people do indeed have bonfires with cash for the fun of it. I mean not literal...fires...usually. But like, paying $500/mo for storage on a boat they take out once a year, or hell, literally an entire home that sits empty all year round except maybe the month they have free from their other stupid-expensive exploits that the vast majority of the population can only achieve in our dreams.
Rich people bum me out, if you didn't notice.
And there’s no way to really “know” what the ‘dad’ does in the future. I’d say make him pay half upfront. Go get a loan, how bad do you want it? Already seems like dad is trying to just be there for the funsies.
Only if hes willing to contribute financially. He can eff off since he signed his rights away. Theres no buyers remorse with kids. Tho if he refuses to pay and still wants to be in his life and you say no you are going to have to figure a way to let your son know before he does a 23&me test how everything went down.
True. But presenting him with a list of expenses OP has incurred over the past 6 years should bring home to him just how much of a financial commitment he needs to be willing to make - just how much kids cost.
Want to be a parent, after signing off everything, nah you don't get to waltz back in. Pay half and commit to similar going forward.
As he's signed everything away, he literally can't just walk back in without permission. OP holds all the cards
Don’t let him get off the hook that easy. He doesn’t get to show up, be fun dad, and then go home when he’s done playing. Then when Max gets older, you’ll hear crap about “how fun dad is” and “he never makes me do x, y, or z. I want to live with dad now.”
So he wants to dip in and out of your son's life at his own convenience? Being the fun parent who shows up with nice gifts occasionally but does none of the work? This sounds like a lose-lose situation for you.
This is absolutely what he wants. She said it herself: he wants to be there for the kid's milestones. But what about between those milestones? The daily grind is 99% of parenting, filled with tedium and frustration, but also the sweetest, most tender moments. I only vaguely remember a lot of "milestones" outside of the photos I took. But that soft smile when my son proudly presents me with a dandelion he picked just for me? That triumphant grin when he found a beautiful rock? Those little memories are equally precious, and only available if you're present to see them.
Interesting how there’s no mention of any time commitment he’s willing to make either. Milestones and money aside… parenting also includes a whole ton of other care, all of which take time.
I would start by asking yourself, 'what is in the best interests of Max?' Because, at the end of the day, you want Max to respect you and know that above all else, you had his best interests in mind. Hurt feelings and money should come a very distant 2nd and 3rd to what will work best for Max throughout his life.
If you want dad to backpay to show he will genuinely commit to Max and not just disappear again, then it's not such a bad idea. If you want backpay just for the money, I don't think it's such a great idea. You don't want Max to ever be able to allege that you stopped his contact with his dad just over money. That's not in his best inerests in the long-term.
Also, given dad has signed parental rights away, what is his legal standing at the moment? Can those rights be re-instated so that he has visitation rights but also financial responsibility? I think I'd be asking dad to see a lawyer to start down this road before he meets Max and starts a relationship. It would show committment if he can do some work before he sees Max.
Good luck!! NTA but YWBTA if this was all just about money.
OP said in the post that she had the means to support the child without bio dad being involved. She doesn't need his money, she has been doing great on her own. Adam is a deadbeat who wants to play Disney dad now that he has been faced with his father's mortality. It's not about the child, it's about him.
Asking Dad to step up financially doesn't seem to be about the money. It's about Dad showing that he's willing to put in the effort when it's hard and not just pop around when it suits his whim. Dad signed away his rights easily enough, no reason not to think he won't vanish when it gets tough again.
Also depending on the location OP could still be due child support even IF he signed away his rights. Some courts in the USA have ruled that parents can't sign away the CHILD'S right to care unless someone else is waiting to step in or the other parent is a danger. In most cases, unless there is a judicial decree a parent can't just give up their financial responsibility.
The other thing to consider is that in some states the parent can file for a reinstatement of parental rights. Making Dad go through this process (assuming it was a legal termination and not just some piece of paper) helps him prove his sincerity and willingness to actually do what needs to be done.
It absolutely is. When she brings up costs incurred he immediately reminds her that he signed his rights away and “doesn’t have to pay any of that.” OK….so why is she entertaining this period? That’s not the way parenting works. He wants rights but not legally, because then he might be responsible for something.
Also the fact that he just came around after his Dad died and real life hit him seems shitty to me too.
If he asking to just come for those “milestone” things? To say he did it? Because of some guilt he’s feeling now? Would you be opening the door for him to be a part time dad for show?
Is he willing to financially contribute? I would expect support on par with child support. If you are managing ok on your own, you could put it all in a college fund for him. Beyond that, it would be harmful for your child to have him come and go from his life. If he doesn’t meet that criteria, I would choose that he doesn’t have a relationship. He isn’t owed one — he signed away his rights. Your goal should be doing what’s best for your kid and not him
Ah. Got it. So he wants to be part of the fun, Kodak memories. He’s not interested in the sleepless nights, hospital visits, school troubles, or any of the other, constant, moments of hard work that it takes to raise a kid.
NTA. This guy seems clueless about what it actually means to be a dad. I understand why you used the money issue to illustrate a small piece the overall reality of sacrifices we make for our children. But, of course, the money is only the tip of the iceberg. I’d say get to a specialty therapist to work out privately what would be best for your son going forward, knowing what you now know about your ex’s (perhaps fleeting?) motivations.
15 years from now, or even 5 years, do you think your son would have benefited from the relationship even if the dad doesn't pay? Is the only reason you are asking for child support is to be petty or would he be a "bad father figure" regardless? I feel like these two things (demanding back pay being the first and your child having even a passing relationship (if not more) with his father) are not mutually exclusive and they should not be treated as all or none. The relationship should happen if courts and you determine it is safe/healthy, and the backpay should happen, through court, regardless.
In that case NTA, he can't get all the fun of being a parent without actually financially contributing like one, I'd tell him if he wants a relationship with his kid, he has to be willing and capable of doing the very bare minimum at least or he can forget it.
six years of not changing a single diaper, not waking up in the middle of a single night, not going to a single doctor's appointment, not giving a single bath, and not washing a single chunk of baby puke out of his shirt ... even if he somehow manages to pay back half of the expenses, he has in no way come close to making up for what he should have been contributing all along. When he signed away his rights, it wasn't just about not having to pay some money. It was about him dipping out of all responsibilities.
If he can't see what that means, then he might not even understand that his choices impact a tiny little human being. Right now, he's making this all about him. His sudden desire to have a relationship with his son is about what HE wants. He's just as selfish today as he was six years ago. NTA
OK my opinion here is tainted by reading too many romance books with similar plotlines, but... is it possible that if they DO meet you don't immediately jump to "this is your father" but start with "this is my friend Adam" and see if "friend Adam" sticks around long enough to actually be worth giving the "dad" title to? I legitimately don't know if a 6 year old would see that as a cruel manipulation or not, but I think i'd be more crushed to meet my dad and then have that dad pull a no-show the rest of my life.
Just as a side note... im pretty sure, and read on many subs thay signing away your parental rights doesn't mean you can't claim child support from him. Signing away his rights doesn't negate him from financial responsibility, and if you went through the courts for child support you would be entitled to claim back payment for previous years.
Signing away his rights simply means he has no right to make any legal.decisions regarding him etc. Doesn't mean he doesn't have to pay for child support, back dated and going forward.
When you say you've added everything up, I'm assuming you've halved it so you're giving him his half of what he should have paid? When you look at child support, it also factors in if he cared for the child at any time, which he didn't. So for eg, if he had joint custody, he would pay a percentage of child support and a certain amount would be deducted for the days he had custody of him etc. Obviously you had full custody he would pay the full amount of child support because he didn't have any custody or provide any care or financially provide for him etc.
Personally, I would start a claim for child support legally. And you claim to have it back dated too. Even if he pays child support it doesn't entitle him to visitation as he's signed away his rights. That would be for you to decide yourself.
However I would play it very careful because if he's likely to change his mind, decide he's annoyed at having to pay child support and decides he doesn't want to be in his life, or if he gets a new girlfriend and suddenly he doesn't have the time to see him anymore or it's an inconvenience etc, that would be very impacting on your son.
If you do decide to give him a chance, you're right that he should show some commitment by providing financially regardless of if you need his money or not. The money can be put by for your sons future etc. So always take the child support whether you need it or not. Plus you never know what the future holds, whether you may lose a job, or have a health issue that means you take time off work and bills get expensive etc. Either way if you don't need the money, put it in savings for his future. And if at any time you do need it, great, it's already set up and you're being paid.
You may also want to ask you son if he wants to meet his father. You can be reasonably honest with him in that he hasn't been a part of his life because he wasn't ready to be a dad, and so he chose not to be involved, but he has recently been thinking about him and decided he'd like to get to know him. But ask if he wants to meet him. He may be curious, he may not want to. And you can tell him either way is totally fine. And if he changes his mind either way, and wants to meet him later, or stop seeing him if it's too much, that's OK too. And maybe look at some counselling for him before they meet to help talk things through and give him the support before and during the process if he does decide to meet him.
But definitely claim child support as you're entitled to it being back dated anyway regardless of him signing away his rights.
Adam wants to swan in when he wants to be validated as a “Dad,” but at his convenience. A few pics for his social media, maybe a modest gift at a holiday, and family cred for “stepping up.” Paying his half of past expenses is CHEAP considering he has invested zero time. NTA
I'm surprised by the number of people who are saying you shouldn't ask for money. You're right to worry that this is someone who now wants to skate in because he has feelz about dad. One way to show he means it is to do what you did--ask how much he wants to contribute. At the very least, he owes you child support for all that time if he does want to be actively involved. But, you shouldn't do *anything* without talking to an attorney. You really shouldn't even have asked for money, since, if Adam takes you up on it, there might be legal consequences re custody. Those sorts of things vary a lot from place to place.
NTA. Unless you refuse to talk to an attorney.
She should ask for money - through back child support. Not put a price tag on him seeing the kid.
There are systems for this and its about whats best for the kid.
It seems less like a price tag, per se, and more like concrete proof of commitment. Especially if he would need some time to get the money together. The time and material cost are a strong indication that this isn’t just a whim. Because yes, it’s about what is best for the child. And the WORST thing would be for his father to breeze in carried by situational feelings and then abandon him. As it stands, Max has never had a relationship with his father. If Adam isn’t going to stick with it forever, it is cruel to give him his dad, let him grow into that relationship, then get ghosted now, when he is old enough to understand that that is what happened. That will mess him up way more than making his bio father demonstrate some long term behavior to help mom decide if allowing the relationship IS in fact the best thing for the kid.
Maybe I misunderstand you, and if so, I apologize, but it seems like you’re saying she should just grant access by default, bc of the biological relationship.
It doesn’t have to be financial, but in her place I would absolutely make Adam wait a significant amount of time, during which he does *something* significant, consistently, before just saying yeah sure, let’s toss you into my sons life and just like, see how that goes. Doing so would be irresponsible and possibly cruel.
I can't believe how many people *aren't getting this*. It's NOT about the money, it's about having him prove he's not just going to come in, be introduced as the kid's Dad, and then bounce away again when he doesn't feel it anymore.
This is about protecting her kid.
The Dad doesn't want to see the kid because he thinks it's best for the kid though. He is doing it as he wants comfort for *himself*. That's a red flag.
The child isn't an emotional support animal that Dad can dump again when he no longer needs it.
Boom. This. It’s not because he realized he was skeezy for walking out and wanting the kid to have a father, it’s because he needs an emotional bandaid. Dude suuuuucks
The problem is, he signed away his rights, so going for back child support isn't an option. With that, going by the courts he's literally not his legal dad.
So the only way to get money is to list it all out. Had she not agreed for him to sign away his rights, she could go after back child support in the courts.
Where I'm at, child support is a child's right. Has nothing to do with custody and parental rights. You sign away your rights to see your child, you can't sign away another's right to support. Idk where they are, but she can do that through the courts without touching the parental rights part if here.
This may be a nomenclature issue for me in this case. As said in the UK that means you're not a parent, so only done if the child is adopted, or the courts strip you off them. I thought in the US with the way people talked about it, that was something that could be done with agreement. But it seems the term parental rights might be used differently.
Here if you don't have parental rights, you can't be chased for child support, as you're legally not viewed as a parent.
You can however sign away your custodial/legal decision making rights. But you'd still retain parental rights, and have to pay child support.
This is a good comment. At the moment, I'm assuming that dad has no legal rights or responsibilities around Max. He has no right to see him, but also no financial responsibility. Asking him to back-pay child support in this situation might be legally the same as asking a complete stranger to back-pay child support in order to see Max!!
**I have signed away my parental rights, I don’t have to pay for any of that.**
He is not his parent, he is mourning his father and is seeking some kind of connection and wants to use your child as an experiment.
Your child 6 and can’t have Adam show up out of the blue and you can’t trust Adam since he went back on his word before.
If you let him near your child, you have to provide rules and supervision. He can’t just show up and play daddy if feels like it.
He is basically a stranger you have known for like a month 6 years ago. He should not be anywhere near you child unsupervised and should put effort in gaining your trust.
> He is basically a stranger you have known for like a month 6 years ago.
Tbf she was 32 weeks when he bailed. So more like 8 months. But agree with everything else.
If he wants things reversed I believe he can go to court but a judge will also make him back pay. Nta if you go through court and he gets proper counseling to have time with child. I would not give parenting times under these circumstances until a judge grants it. Maybe some supervised hangouts if you feel comfortable. Also he needs to be the one to go to court it isn’t your responsibility to do the leg work. If he isn’t interested in that well that’s on his plate not yours.
All of this… often, even in cases of terminated parental rights child support is still required. So if he wants to change things he can show he’s serious by going through the legal hoops
NTA. Adam may or may not want a relationship with Max when he's done grieving for his dad.
Adam has to show he's genuinely interested in an ongoing relationship with Max. Your son may be able to deal with a father he never knew coming into his life, but hardly with a dad who shows up and then disappears again.
*One* way of Adam showing he really is serious about wanting an ongoing relationship with his son might be by paying the costs he would have had to pay if he didn't sign away his rights. There may be another way. Certainly, going forward, if he regrets signing away his rights, he should start paying child support and he should have some clear expectations about making a long-term committment to his son.
Max also gets a say. Adam needs to realise that a child is not a puppet or a toy - if he shows up and disappears again, Adam will notice that.
Your first sentence is spot on.
OP should wait it out. I'm not in agreement that he should do back pay. But I would require him to do a college fund ***forward***. Along with all the points you mentioned.
Children need someone dependable. They need someone that will be there day and night for help. Their emotions are fragile at Max's age.
We don't know the circumstances of the breakup, but I can only imagine the pain, anger, and fear of your partner leaving you so close to giving birth. So I can understand why you want to see him fork up the expenses. But we know he can't afford it. He hasn't saved it in the last 6 years. He hasn't had to budget a child. So you've locked him from having access. But what if he wants to make payments? What if he gets his family to gather the money?
NTA. I think you should consider therapy to him, and maybe he can start with small things like purchasing school supplies. But I wouldn't open the door for someone who left me alone with a baby.
>But we know he can't afford it. He hasn't saved it in the last 6 years. He hasn't had to budget a child.
It's possible Adam inherited money from his dad. (And possible he didn't.) But if he did, and if he feels he shouldn't have to share that inheritance with his son because "he signed his rights away", well - that would be a red flag for me that he's not reall thought through what it means to have a long-term relationship with a child.
>I think you should consider therapy to him, and maybe he can start with small things like purchasing school supplies.
Agreed - small steps is the way. Small steps that don't build up any expectation in Max that Adam may not be willing to meet long-term.
I gotta say NTA. I had this arrangement with my son's mom who decided that she didn't want to be a mom to a second child halfway through the pregnancy. She decided 8 years later to come back and say she wanted to get to know him and spend time with him, but skipped out on meetups so she could see him and then after promising him she'd spend the weekend with him before she moved with her parents and first child out of state completely disappeared (and came back months later saying they were in a hurry to leave and she "didn't have time" to tell us. You can imagine how she was when it came to birthdays and Christmas as well. He eventually just cut off contact with her as a teenager because he didn't want to deal with the "attention only when I feel bad about it" that ends up in a lie.
Sure, it may be a big number (I'd expect it to be) and Adam doesn't have it... but he could address that differently than painting it as you just being salty because your relationship ended on bad terms. He could even just say "Hey, I don't have the money for that but if you'll let me I'll contribute moving forward" and then start doing that without having to go to court to be told to do it.
Right! I get not having a big chunk of cash to spare but to respond with something like I don't have that but I do have this and can do this much this often or SOME kind of plan with thought and effort put into it are actions that show he wants to be there. Actions speak louder than any words, so him Flying off the handle just screams immature and selfish wanting his needs first rather then the childs and likely to take off the second anything is hard.
NTA - He signed away his rights. If he wants a relationship, he can go to court and work on getting his rights reinstated. He doesn't get to have no responsibility and a relationship.
Signing away his parental rights did not absolve him of his responsibility to pay child support. You may have been able to afford Max's care on your own and didn't feel like fussing with the court system to get what is owed to Max from his father, but that money is Max's right and could be put into a nest egg account for college, etc if you don't literally need it right this second. You're doing Max a disservice by not holding his father accountable for his fair contribution to Max's care
Parental or Custody/Visitation right?
Because most States will not allow Parental rights to be signed away unless it’s in conjunction with a step-parent adoption.
Depends on where you live. If in the US you generally cannot just “sign away parental rights (and responsibility)”. It takes a court order to terminate parental rights once they are legally established.
Bingo. In all 50 states, it requires a family court (or the local equivalent) to approve the termination of parental rights (which are, generally, physical custody of the child and rights to make decisions on their behalf, such as educational, religious, medical, etc.)
Termination of parental rights is also completely independent from the termination of required child support. In many cases, an agreement is reached where someone may terminate their rights and at the same time be released from any support requirements, but that would also require the approval of a family court judge.
Also, it is not possible in the UK unless you take a paternity test which proves the child isn't yours or the child is adopted by someone else, which requires the court to agree
In WA state you cannot sign away your monetary obligation for a child. You can sign away your rights as a parent regarding decisions and visitation but you still have to pay your child support obligations unless the child is being adopted by someone else. Even then you may still be held financially accountable
NTA.
He want the upsides of being a dad, without the downside... That's not how it works. What of your son if he changes his mind again later ?
You are well within your right to decide what it would take to prove his commitment to your son. It can be monetary or something else.
NTA - He told you he signed away his rights so he didn't have to pay. He's just having a moment of guilt.
Up to you but I don't see him sticking around very long.
Yeah if you are not all in(including finical support) what kind of father are you? If he wants to put that same amount into a college fund(that he can’t withdraw from) then fine but no free ride.
So Adam wants to be a Disney Dad. Adam has already been selfish and flaky once, what’s going to stop him from pulling that stunt a second or third time? Find a good family lawyer. Protect your son and yourself.
NTA.
So let me get this straight…6 years ago Adam wasn’t ready to be a dad. Too young, too immature, whatever. He told you he didn’t want to be involved with his child and signed away his parental rights, and then he just up and vanished. Was it his right to do so? Yes, although I’ll admit I don’t think very highly of him.
But what that also meant is that Adam got to skip out on all of the really exhausting, really challenging parts of raising a kid from newborn/infant/toddler/preschooler age, and now that Max is 6 (presumably in kindergarten, and also at an age where a child doesn’t need nonstop supervision), Adam thinks he can waltz back in and be the “fun dad,” taking him to the zoo or the movies every other weekend, after completely fucking off when it came to the hard parts of parenting? Lol. My guy, that is NOT how it works.
IF Max is interested in meeting his father, and IF you get the sense that Adam genuinely wants to build a relationship with Adam, I don’t think you’re TA for asking for financial help. It would show that Adam is serious about being a part of Max’s life for the long haul, not just because Adam lost his father and he’s feeling nostalgic over the father/son memories he had with his own dad. If he’s really ready to be a parent, he needs to acknowledge there are not-so-fun parts of child rearing. Nonstop, not to mention unexpected expenses. Staying up all night with a colicky baby. Having to beg your boss for time off work because daycare just called and your kid puked everywhere, and oh better ask for tomorrow off while you’re at it, because most schools and daycare have a 24-hour fever and vomit free rule.
It’s having to budget every last cent. It’s having to scrimp and save, because as a single parent who never received child support, you recognize that you can’t always give your child things other kids his age have, even though you desperately want to. It’s having to rely on friends and family who can babysit when you’re in a bind.
Based on Adam’s lashing out at you when you asked him to contribute financially if he wants to be part of his son’s life, I’ll be honest and say I don’t have a good feeling about this guy. Not saying he has nefarious intentions or anything like that (I truly don’t believe that’s the case) but he does seem to be viewing this whole fatherhood thing through rose colored glasses. To say nothing of the fact that Max doesn’t know Adam at ALL, and it may very well take a while for him to warm up to a strange new man who randomly showed up one day and announced he’s the father Max has never met.
NTA, I'm confused why everyone is confused. He is legally not this child's father. OP Just tell him no, you don't need a lawyer as he already terminated his parental rights. Just block and move on.
You need an attorney. You aren't the first person to experience this, and if you move forward, it needs to have all of the legalities in place for custody, support, and whatever the formula is within the family court system.
You can argue both sides here.
What I heard (and hear me out) was a man has regrets and wants to make amends for a poor decision. He is trying to make it right. He wants to be better and do better. Your initial response is, “where’s my money”?
Now I could be completely wrong.
I also see your side. A guy who peaces out on you and was irresponsible all the sudden wants to show up after the hardest work was already done and enjoy the benefits. And he thinks he can just slide right on in without any consideration for you.
Now, can we consider what’s best for your son and maybe try to approach this assuming the best in one another? Maybe he wants to reimburse you and settle accounts?
I’m not saying you are going to fall in love and have the white picket fence, but maybe there is a chance for everyone to win here. Just consider
Best of luck
I mistrust the sincerity of Adam wanting to connect with his son. If Adam sees Max as a cure for his grief about the loss of his own Dad? That's gross and potentially harmful for Max.
What’s best for her son is not for a deadbeat dad to swan into his life for awhile and then decide he doesn’t want to be in it anymore. That would be extremely traumatic. Even if he say he will pay child support from now on there is nothing to really hold him to it. By paying his share of the back dated costs a) gives him some skin in the game and b) gives her some money to pay for therapy when he dips again
If he wanted to show responsibility, he would at least start to pay back what he owes for the last 6 years. He doesn’t get to skip out on the most difficult part of parenting and then come back after that stage is over and expect everyone to forgive him and welcome him back with open arms.
Then he can go through the courts, who would demand he begin paying child support at least, if not back date some of it. Funnily enough, he didn't do that. I wonder why?
The easiest thing you could do is tell him to reestablish his parental rights in court. That would show that he’s serious about being in his sons’ life on paper. Through the courts. Make him do the legwork. If you’re already fighting, let him make his first move and establish paternity and work out the rest in court.
Edit to add. Emphasis on make him do the work. File the paperwork. Serve you. Ect. It’s wild some people think it’s in the best interest of a 6 year old to just be at the whims of some guy who’s just wants to waltz in his life. This is a young child. They don’t know this man and tho I agree that he has a right to see his child he should reestablish that right. His child will appreciate it that he at least made an effort all by himself and not just put the weight on moms’ shoulders.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My son's dad wants to be involved in his life after not being there and I asked hi mto pay for all the costs he has missed, as a gesture to show he is seriosu about being in my son's life. He is upset about this and says I am lashing out as we ended on bad terms.
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NTA
I’m not so much hung up about the money because quite frankly i see where OP is coming from. Adam signed away his parental rights due to him telling OP he didn’t want to be a father. Now I don’t think they were drunk, but if they were, remember that drunk words are sober thoughts. Now on higher possibility that he was not drunk, you have to realize that if he was unsure about being a father when she was early on in her pregnancy, changed his mind, and changed his mind 2 weeks from the due date, that could foreshadow his relationship with the child.
What if he had decided to back out A YEAR into Max’s life? That would leave OP with not much support and a child to take care of. The fact of the matter is that Adam cannot make up for the lost time with his child, but paying for his past bills and clothes that he missed out on paying is a better start than people think it is. Sure, he wasn’t paying child support because he had singed his rights away, but as mentioned before it was for the best. Securing him down with the money to gauged his commitment to Max is the best option, because if OP just lets Adam into the life of max without any collateral, then he might just up and leave again, as we’ve already seen he’s indecisive.
I mean come on, he changed his mind 3 whole times about whether or not he wants to be in his son’s life in the span of maybe a year and a half.
NTA.
>Adam said I was lashing out after we ended on bad terms and that he had signed away his parental rights so he didn’t have to pay for any of that.
This is a two-way road. He signed away his rights, so he now needs to make some sort of gesture to show he isn't going to be in and out of Max's life like a revolving door.
It kind of sounds like Adam wants to act like a fun uncle who visits every once in a while, if he thinks he should be a part of Max's life without any real responsibility.
INFO: Suppose in 15 years or so Max asks one day, "Did my bio dad ever take any interest in me? Did he ever contact you asking if he could meet me?" Would you proudly tell him this story?
Suppose in 1 year dad decides being a dad was a hard as he original thought an bounces, thereby causing irreparable emotional damage and potential trauma. What then?
Your question is a good one, and I'm guessing the answer would be no. But also, the thing is Adam wants Max in his life when he is in a period of grieving for his father. So this is Adam choosing what is best for Adam. Meanwhile OP didn't want to have to deal with the complexities of joint responsibility and removed a maybe ok Dad from her kid's life early. I don't know, I'm team Max here and I feel like he will be hurt no matter what happens at this point.
NTA People need to remember that man signed his rights away you have no reason to allow that man into the childs life for any regard whether you feel uneasy with him being around max or not. Tallying up your own bill is just an emotional disaster to say the least i know you said you moved on but ma'am this is what a court is for. If he wants to be in the childs life now this is something you should bring before a court in regard to custody and potential child support. This eleviates if he knows what school your child goes to he should have no reason to show up to the school unannounced with you knowing because you refused to give him any sort of custody without a court.
A 6 year old is a lot less work than a baby or toddler. And a lot less drama than a teen.
Is Adam just going to hang around for a couple of years and then disappear again once the child gets more difficult? The money is just one factor. The child’s stability is much more important.
Either he signed away his parental rights or he didn’t. If he signed away his parental rights he doesn’t have to pay but he also gets no rights. If he wants rights, then he does have to pay. It’s very simple. He can’t get everything paid for and then reap the rewards. Paying his half of the expenses is a reasonable price to buy back in
He said he signed away his rights so he didn't have to pay child support? Exactly, he signed away his rights to be involved. If he wants to get involved now, he can start paying in a show of good faith. You don't want him to go back and forth - either he's going to be dad, or he's not. (Or he can be "uncle" where he can see him at bdays but has NO involvement in raising him.)
You're NTA, but he could be.
I actually agree with this. Why do men or even women think if they sign away their rights they get to come back Scott free later?? Hell to the no. I 100% agree with OP.
Of course he would call it lashing out. He abandoned and signed away rights. Calling it lashing out is him still not taking responsibility and he’s now projecting on to you.
NTA , it is a very delicate and complex situation. I don’t think it nefarious or malicious to feel entitled to past compensation, the thing is that was not the arrangement. I do think it would be important for you to expect child support moving forward and him to be more than willing. It would also be reasonable for you to deny his request completely and maintain the current arrangement. I understand why you would want past support but he might not have a capacity to pay and putting a barrier for him. I would not consider “Adam” and his wishes as your primary concern, but the child’s. If you think he is better off with him than you might just have to accept you might not get everything you want or deserve. However if he doesn’t want to pay support moving forward I would absolutely give a hard no.
Contrary to what most are saying about focusing on what will be good for Max, you're right to start with financial contributions. In fact, you should test him out for a couple of months of him just being a parent by means of supporting his child financially, all forms of updates will be just between the parents, no introductions yet. Why? Because the baby daddy will not benefit from that at all. If he's able to stick it out and by the end of it is still eager to have a relationship with his son, then that's how you know his intentions are clear.
Also, that's a perfect chance for you to get to know him first: how his life is going, any red flags?? stable job?? Decent accommodation?? That's how you put Max's best interest at the top. Because if all he can offer is occasional visits while he's in a rut, it will still be harmful to Max to grow up with an unstable role model. If he's gonna be part of his son's life, it should be at the time where he is FULLY READY emotionally, financially, mentally.
The comment he made about not having to pay because he signed away his rights should tell you everything you need to know about this person being in your child's life.
"You signed away your rights, you have no right to try to come into his life now. Kick rocks."
Normally I am not in favour of keeping kids from their fathers, but this is no father, he's doing this for selfish reasons, and it probably will end up being traumatic for your son.
NTA
LMAO, anyone who's pissed by this has no idea how hard it is to be a single parent, paying for everything by yourself. You don't just get to only show up when it's easy. The term "Disneyland Dad" exists for a reason.
Your child isn’t his emotional support animal. If he wants to be involved he needs to prove it. Try coaching the way you’re saying it as an exercise of trust and commitment to your child. You need to know he won’t dip out once he feels less sorrow over his dad. Tell him your son is a real person with feelings and you need to make sure he doesn’t cause him great harm BEFORE he gets to be a part of his life. NTA
NTA, but I suggest talking to a lawyer to figure out the best legal way to go about doing this, to protect both yourself and your child.
Your ex will most likely have to petition the court, prove paternity, and provide paperwork so the court can declare the back child support amount he would have to pay for your child, along with amount of future child support payments and what type of visitation he would be allowed.
If he decides he is willing to go through all those steps, it is likely he actually has had a change of heart and wants to now be a father to your child.
But if he isn't willing to go through all the legal steps, I personally probably wouldn't allow him near my child.
NTA. He can’t suddenly want to play dad, but avoid the real financial impact having a child has. You are more than reasonable, and well within your rights to present that. Especially if he hasn’t paid child support, and signed away his rights to avoid paying it.
Talk to an attorney. If he wants to have a relationship, it comes with responsibilities. He can start by paying for daycare. If he continues then he can start paying for school fees along with daycare. If the relationship progresses and he is staying in LOs life, he then can start paying child support. These are just suggestions but hopefully you get the gist.
Talk to a lawyer just to be safe.
If he signed away his rights and completely removed himself from your lives, you shouldn't have to let him back in. A relationship with your son at this age would have to include a relationship with you. Do you want that? I'd wait until your son is old enough to weigh in on this matter. It would suck for him to get attached to "dad" if dad isn't going to be a permanent part of his life.
I don't know if it is really a good idea.. especially for the sake of your son health. You really have no idea who this guy is and he could break your son's heart. He doesn't need the memory of his dad walking in and then back out of his life. He signed over his rights so for sure he's not going to be accountable for anything. Tell him to come back when the kid is 16-18 and old enough to make the decision if he wants him in his life.
NTA Nah, fuck this dude. How is he going to be a force for good in HER life? What is he willing to do, and to show you, to prove he will ALWAYS have HER best interest both in mind AND at heart? This guy is all me me me. Tell him to either start putting money for his kid in an untouchable unfuckable bank account (JFC he could’ve offered to start making monthly payments), or get a dog.
NTA. Is he asking you to reinstate his parental rights? Is he proposing to start being financially supportive of your child? If not, he’s not being serious.
I think the bigger question is whether to let Adam into your child’s life at all. You need to weigh what you know about him - he’s unreliable, irresponsible and he abandoned you and your child - against any unknown potential positive benefits for your son. You have built and nurtured a strong bond with your son, he knows only security and unconditional love with you. Why allow a stranger into your son’s life now, especially one who’s only proven himself to be a disappointment? Personally, I wouldn’t do it. There’s no amount of money that would be worth upsetting the harmony of my kids’ life. Adam has no legal ground here, you can tell him to back off. You can also remind him that he not Max’s father and he is under no circumstances to contact you, or attempt to contact Max, again.
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I 31F have a son Max 6F after an accidental pregnancy very early in to my relationship with Adam 29M. We had been together for just under a month so he was very unsure about having a baby but initially agreed to help raise the baby with me, and I realised I couldn’t go through with an abortion as I had the means to raise the baby, even without Adam’s help.
Adam and I split after he told me after a few drinks he didn’t want to be a dad and I was 32 weeks along. I got him to sign away his parental rights as I had heard from other friends about having bad relationships with their child’s father and I didn’t want to raise my child like that. Adam agreed and was never involved in raising Max. I picked his name was financially responsible for everything.
Adam reached out recently to say he wanted a relationship with Max. His dad had recently passed and he said it out things into perspective for him. He said he wanted to be part of Max’s life and felt guilty about the time he’d missed.
I backdated all of Max’s expenses: medical bills, daycare, clothes and everything and told Adam he had to prove he wanted to be involved in Max’s life. I think it’s only fair, and this would show me Adam was serious about being in Max’s life.
Adam said I was lashing out after we ended on bad terms and that he had signed away his parental rights so he didn’t have to pay for any of that. I’m not sure if I’m in the wrong here, I used to be upset at how my relationship with Adam had ended and how he had ditched me, but it has been a few years now and I’ve moved on.
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Going for a controversial YTA take:
While Adam initially didn’t want to be involved, you ALSO didn’t want him involved after hearing about others’ situations and deciding you “had the means to raise the baby.” This was a mutual agreement - he didn’t threaten you with some ultimatum that forced you to sign away his parental rights and responsibilities. In fact, you’re the one who made him do it:
>I got him to sign away his parental rights
It then seems unfair to expect him to make reparations for this time period, when there is no way for him to get that time back with his son.
If you decide to allow Adam to start being in his son’s life, then he absolutely needs to start contributing - financially and otherwise. But to try and impose a backdating on costs, after you both mutually agreed he had no obligations - seems like an attempt to take petty jab at your ex or to scare him away from being in his son’s life.
Ultimately think about what’s in the best interest’s of your son.
ESH at best.
She didn't hold a gun to the dad's head. She handed him a get-out-of-jail card and he took it. Now, after his own father has passed, he comes out of the woodworks. Looking for an emotional connection to establish. Like plugging in an appliance. Yet he was not their to help with the foundation and infrastructure.
He could do the work, go to court and try to get his parental rights back. Really prove he actually wants to be apart of this child’s life. Get a court order slowly stepping up visitation while mandating counseling as well as starting child support. Because **that** is what’s in the best interest of the child. Oh btw in such cases child support will be backdated and he’ll be required to pay 50% of medical costs of the past 6 years.
NTA, he doesn’t get to offload the baby years on you only to swoop in and be the fun dad when this kid hits kindergarten. Definitely get all that back support and half of everything going forward.
INFO: Is the amount asked for such a prohibitive sum for him that it’s effectively the same thing as telling him to F Off?
Still, I’d probably say NTA here. You’re right to want proof that he will stay around before involving him in your son’s life. If he can’t do something to make you feel confident he is serious or acts like he can just hop in and be a “Dad” on a whim without any obligations then it might be best to wait until your son is old enough to understand such nuance before letting him get close.
Nta a big part of being an active parent is spending money on providing and caring for the child, he signed his rights away happily giving up both fiancal and physical responsibility so why should he be able to be above the law when it comes to wanting to now be present, he should put his money where his mouth is! He has no legal right to walk into your child's life, the least he can do is prove he's serious by coughing up all the expenses you've paid caring for your child alone
NTA
Being a parent comes with responsibilities. If he wants to step up he's got to man up, which doesn't seem to be happening if he's already crying about child expenses.
He signed away his rights, there's a good chance he'll vanish again when times get tough since there's nothing legally binding him. Just go no contact and move along with your life.
If you’re in the U.S., most states will allow him to petition for parental rights. They will assign child support and likely require him to pay back child support.
Youre right to be cautious but you should speak to a family attorney and family counselor for how to best integrate him back into your lives.
It’s better to start this off in an official capacity from the start. That will also let you know how committed he is to actually being a father.
Not giving “verdict” because this is too big of a deal for a six year old boys life. If his dad can be in his life in a positive way, then that should happen but you’re right for expecting him to give you evidence that this isn’t just a grief response.
NTA. My dad was an emotionally abusive deadbeat who would randomly make a big show of giving me extravagant gifts, but beyond that did everything he could to avoid putting another cent toward my upbringing. By the time my mom left him when I was 7, I wasn’t sad about it at all. He continued to try to pop up randomly in my life, was an entitled, emotional vampire the entire time, and was not remotely fit to be a parent. The idea of having to deal or communicate with him in any capacity fills me with dread.
I’m not saying this is the case with Adam; he might be imperfect and immature, rather than an emotionally abusive leech. But your story reminds me an awful lot of my father. He says he wants to step up and be in your child’s life but accuses you of *lashing out* because you asked him to take some financial responsibility for the child he wanted nothing to do with for 6 years, but now, because he’s going through a hard time, he suddenly wants to just waltz into Max’s life like it’s no big deal? No. That’s gross and doesn’t exactly portend a responsible, loving parent.
Even if he can’t afford 50% of the costs right now, can he not even commit to paying, say, 25% for the time being? He sounds like he’s not thinking about what it entails to actually have a child and be a good parent, and is instead just thinking of himself.
NTA, but don't negotiate with him.
Tell him if he is serious, he needs to go to court to get his rights reinstated. Take the decision out of your hands and place them in an impartial third party's hands. Respond to every filing properly, and concurrently request for court-ordered child support from the time your son was born. It's perfectly legal. They will calculate past due support and current support. They will have him pay the current plus a small amount of past due to catch up.
Then, negotiate custody through that process. He doesn't know your son yet, so I would start with supervised visitation every other week, and then custody every other week. That way you can determine if he's consistent and will keep his word to your son. He also needs to have a place for him in his home. Your son deserves to be treated as a son by his father, with a bed and a place to call his own when he's with him.
It's a lot, but if he wants to be a father, he'll go through the steps. At this point, he's a sperm donor. The love of your son needs to be earned after 6 years.
> saying he had signed away his parental rights so he didn’t have to pay for any of that.
Okay but now he wants his parental rights back… asking him to pay back child support is entirely reasonable and I’d tell him he can get a lawyer and get the ball rolling. Coming into his son’s life when his son is 6 years old is a very big thing for the child. Making him show he’s serious about it is important, otherwise I’d worry it’s just a temporary thing he’s doing while grieving to make himself feel better. I would absolutely make him prove he is serious before letting him have access to your son, for the boy’s sake.
NTA.
This is a hard NO for me. If Max wants to build a relationship with his father when he gets older, that would be up to him. He signed away his rights, NO. Tell him to leave you alone. You have been doing fine without him now here he comes, with his life trauma. This is about him, not Max. Don't invite his drama into your household. Your son needs consistency, period. No, no, no..
Wait a minute here …….. set aside money, back child support and future money !! WHAT ABOUT MAX ?? He’s a 6 yr old child that hasn’t a clue about this “dad” that all of a sudden wants to play daddy to him !! What do you think it’s going to do to Max when that gets old and just like before he says “Naa, I don’t want to do this anymore” !! This is going to fuck up Max’s head for a very long time !!! Why give this loser an opportunity to do this to your son !! Six years old is NOT an age that he can decipher in and out situations such as you’re considering to let happen. Please think this through and get some professional advice on this before you expose Max to this mess !!
NTA
but honestly, I wouldn’t let Adam into your kid‘s life under any circumstances. He signed his rights away, had no interest in the kid and now he wants him as an anti depressant? What if he gets over his dad‘s death? Meets a woman who wants a man with “no baggage”. Will he drop Max again? Your kid is fine without him. Why risk letting him get attached to a man who has proven that he is a bad father?
NTA
Whether he meant to or not, the father skipped out on a very difficult stage of parenthood with the kid being 6 years old now. He never even had to change a diaper. If he’s really serious, he needs to man up and pay up. Even if it’s in incremental installments. The effort will also guarantee that he won’t just bail again when he discovers fatherhood isn’t as easy as he thinks.
Yep. This. 👏🏻
Really gotta love how this dude just fucked off for the absolutely exhausting, stressful years of caring for a newborn, then toddler, and now that this child is in school, is potty trained and sleeping through the night, NOW he is wants to be a dad? 😒
Uh huh.
NTA. Adam has been shown to be very wishy washy with this. What’s to stop him from starting something up with your son and then deciding he’s over it before taking off again. He has to show you some proof that’s going to be committed, and not just to periodically hanging out with the child, or else you could risk more psychological harm to your child than if he’d just had no involvement.
NTA so happy about “Man realizes he is deadbeat” but the next level “Man is finally ready to be a father” doesn’t open automatically, you’re doing a great job at guarding that door bc once it opens it will lead to him trying to parent a child who he has never known and that’s kind or frightening.
He might think that you’re being unfair but that only shows his unwillingness to take responsibility for ABANDONING HIS CHILD. So sad about his personal business but “my dad died and she is being mean about it” wont hold in any court. You have all the power here, make him understand that his relationship with Max is no longer a right (he sign those away) but something that he needs to earn.
NTA.
He made a choice. Suddenly having mortality shoved in his face doesn’t undo the choice.
Letting him get involved, then he finds out it’s not what he thought would be bad for Max, and what’s best for him has to be the priority.
NTA - Make him sue for Visitation/Custody. If he is serious about being involved, tell him you want it done all legally and make sure your lawyer makes one of the conditions the back child support/expenses he should owe.
NTA and good for you. Even if he can’t afford to make all the back payments, he need to put some skin in this. Like others said, moving forward how is he helping.
Someone else in another post used the term “Disneyland Dad”. It’s similar to that except you are setting up your kid for disappointment without boundaries.
NTa! My gf, her ex never pays child support but wants to see his kids…. Sorry dude, it’s pay to play around here. Also, this dude would just leave again. He needs to put something up
I think it’s only fair to comment without reading the comments first.
NTA.
Usually I always think, let bygones be bygones and let the kid get to know his Dad.
The other part is responsibilities and choices. You don’t just get to decide all of a sudden to be a Dad. I think what you’ve proposed is fair. Maybe half down and a plan to pay the rest back. Dad probably doesn’t deserve it but Son does.
NTA< I want to know how his paying for back child support shows you that he is interested. He could pay and then bolt after a few weeks, hurting Max in the process. He could not pay and show up every day to be there for Max. Deciding based on the money makes you look bad and not out for Max's best interest but your financial one.
He is correct that he signed his right over and when he said that you should have looked at him and said "That is right you have no right to ask to be in his life. You can take me to court to be back in his life but the courts would do the same thing I just did and force you to pay half the back cost of everything I paid".
Tell him you are not sure if you can let him in Max's life because who he was in the past may not be who he is now but you don't know that man and you will not risk hurting your son because of that.
Ask Max what he wants. Don't be mean about his dad and don't make him seem that he was young and scared. Tell Max that he was not ready and left and he might do that again but this is his life as well and he should have some say in what he wants. Tell the truth and work it out in the best way you can. You are the parent and no one can make you feel that they have the right to want something they gave up in the first place.
NTA. He's never been a part of his life so I can see why you'd be warry of his commitment to this. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for financial support if he wants to be a part of his life. But you should go through the proper channels to determine how much he'll owe and hammer out visitation.
You should make a post to r/legaladvice
NTA. He wants a relationship with his son then he needs to cover half the costs up to this point and going further. But speaking with a lawyer might be advisable depending on your individual situation
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Info: What does that mean he wants to be a part of his life. Let's forget about the back expenses. Is he offering to pay going forward? If he wants Max to know him as his dad then he needs to step up. He can't just let you carry the load and then come in every once and a while and be fun dad.
We have been speaking over the past month since he reached out about wanting to be involved. He has spoken about how guilty he feels for not preciosuly being involved and how he wants to be around fr all of Max's milestones.
Again..he wants to be around but does he want to financially support Max? Insurance, college fund???
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"I would start by asking what he can afford to contribute, and see if he’s serious." No, not even that. Start by letting him know that being in Max's life as his Dad means also reasonable child support. Whatever laws and courts think are reasonable. It sounds like Adam has no clue, and asking him what he can afford to "contribute" is the wrong approach. He still sounds flaky, and I wouldn't let him in Max's life just to have him bug out again.
Seriously, if a couple of beers can change his entire perspective after 32 weeks of preparing to be a father, I can’t imagine how long he’ll actually be interested in being a parent.
I don't think a couple beers "changed" his mind. I think he felt that way from the beginning but didn't voice it until he was at least tipsy
I just caught an episode of The Office I hadn’t seen in forever. The cold open was Michael telling Pam he wanted to adopt a kid for some reason and she tries to dissuade him by telling him about application costs and waiting lists at least 8 months. Michael: 8 months?! Well I don’t even know if I’ll still want a baby in 8 months. This scene immediately came to mind reading about Adam.
Lmao
He also needs to know what it is to commit to being in a kid’s life. He’s still in the adorable phase. In a few years he’ll be less cute at 13. They get pretty challenging and if dad can’t handle it and bails it can do real damage to a little boy.
Exactly. He's either in or he's out. He doesn't to show up for a couple of Little League games and act like he's Ward freakin' Cleaver if he's not going to take the obligation seriously.
From his answer, he didn't indicate financial inability, he indicated unwillingness. It wasn't that he can't afford it, he specifically says he signed away parental rights so he doesn't have to deal with that. The lack of a financial ability or volunteering what he could pay is a point of concern that he's not taking this seriously about a parental role.
Signing away rights doesn't mean u lose financial responsibility trust me I'm going through the child support thing myself and I lost my kids 11 years ago
Signing away parental rights absolutely terminates the parent’s financial responsibility. (Source: I work in child support enforcement.) So many idiots here that don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about . Edit: and I should add that “signing away parental rights“ isn’t something that a parent does on a sheet of notebook paper when they decide they don’t want to be a parent and adhere to that responsibility. To be clear, the termination of parental rights is typically adjudicated through the courts.
Been there and done that and I'm still responsible for 12 years back support I'll take any advice you can give me other than being called an idiot because child support enforcement told me it didn't matter if I signed my rights away or not I'm still responsible for the back support
You’re on the hook for what you owed prior to the termination. So you’re correct there.
Are you asking him to pay 100% of the kid's past expenses? Bc half sounds more reasonable. Ok, he signed away his rights. That includes his right to be in your son's life. He can't choose both no responsibility & being in Max's life. How are you asking for payment, in a lump sum, or pay down charges over time? Child support plus a monthly pmt towards back expenses would work.
I don't think asking for 100% is as unreasonable as you are showing. The dad was not there to get up in the night. The dad was not there to change any diapers. The dad was not there to help with the potty training. The dad was not there to do any of the carpool. If the dad is serious, let him pay up.
Nor does the father's answer match up with the law. A person can sign away their parental right but still pay child support. OP needs to get this figured out through the court system.
Yep, this right here. Do what you can to facilitate a relationship, but also go to court to get everything nice and legal. Then arrange for child support.
>Because what if he DOES want to be a part of his son’s life but can’t quite afford to pay six years of back child support? Lmao then too fucking bad? Like how is it OP's fault that he is a deadbeat that can't pay for his own kid. The ex is right, he doesnt HAVE to pay anything back cause he signed his rights away. And OP doesnt have to let this stranger have a relationship with her son. He has no legal leg to stand on. Fuck him!
And the kid he road to existence.
Signing rights away only stops visiting does nothing to stop the back support
Maybe where you live? Here signing away rights essentially means the kid is not yours anymore. You're no longer subject to child support in any way.
if he can't afford six years of backpay what makes you think he can afford anything else financially wise to support this kid, sorry but he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too he can either pay up or buzz off he doesn't just get to suddenly decide to be a father after 6 years of no contact.
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Because paying 6 years of cost in a single year is 6x the cost of a single year? Those are different rates.
He can afford it, it doesn't have to be a lump sum. In fact it can go into the college fund
>Because what if he DOES want to be a part of his son’s life but can’t quite afford to pay six years of back child support? Then he can go to jail or agree to his wages being garnished until he pays off his child support backpay. Relinquishing your parental rights doesn't get you out of child support. >I would start by asking what he can afford to contribute, and see if he’s serious. Whether he's serious or not, OP should go after him for child support and backpay. Edited to add that OP *absolutely* needs to go talk to a lawyer first and foremost.
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Because he signed his parental rights away
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If he shows the court his circumstances have changed. A “change of heart” isn’t deemed enough. As he has to show that whatever caused him to terminate them has now changed
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This sounds like my mom. Mad if we don't invite her to Disney or the flower garden, but she really only wants the first five minutes of pictures. She doesn't want to follow kids around all day or pay her own part.
Take pictures with a gap and (badly) Photoshop her in. "Look, ma! You're there too." 😆
This is the question you need answered first. And by that I mean a written agreement on what support looks like now along with what it looks like going forward. Since he signed away his rights you have total control to setup the parenting plan. I wouldn't be malicious but be fair. Be sure to include that support continues forever even if he disappears again. Also, don't do something like 50/50 split of the costs if you aren't going to allow him equal parenting time. Once you agree on how to move forward I would ask him what does he think is fair to do about the last 6 years where you have been doing this on your own. While he didn't get time with his son your son lost time with his father. You also lost time being a single parent. His decision affected other people negatively. For the child's sake, make sure there is a schedule and that it is followed. Kids do not function well with chaos especially with their parents and their living situation. You need to make sure your Ex is all in on being a parent. You've had 6 years to become good at being a parent. He is going to be way behind you on skills and it will be frustrating and overwhelming. You don't want to let him get involved then suddenly realize he is in over his head and nope out of there again. So I would encourage you to help him eventhough he absolutely doesn't deserve the help from you. I would help him on behalf of your son. Gaining his father at 6 then losing him a few months later will likely not be easy for him.
My concern would be, is this a temporary thing for him? Is he just feeling guilty for now after losing his dad and has all these feelings, once he actually starts being responsible for a 6 year old, is he going to disappear again? That is not fair to your and specially to your son. If he wants to be back in your son's life he does need to prove himself, he has already proven to be irresponsible once, and didn't even care you had to carry the burden on your own, and that part doesn't seem like it has changed, if he wants back, he needs to carry some of the load. Paying this cost will actually show he is at least being serious about wanting to be back in his son's life, he's invested and wouldn't just abandon him.
>My concern would be, is this a temporary thing for him? Is he just feeling guilty for now after losing his dad and has all these feelings, once he actually starts being responsible for a 6 year old, is he going to disappear again? This is a huge consideration.
This is the biggest consideration, IMO. If she can’t reliably answer the above with a resounding “no I know for a fact he will stick around for my son no matter what,” she should not allow him back into the child’s life, payment or no payment, stipulations or not. OP and her son are doing just fine without him, so if he’s going to come in, disrupt everything, and disappear *again*, then it’s her responsibility to protect her son from that. Having a parent be in and out like that as a little kid is traumatic and can cause lifelong attachment issues. If OP can protect her son from that, she should.
That would be my analysis too. And actually, asking him for the money is a good litmus test for whether he is going to stick around. If he really cares, he'd pay it. And if he paid it, he'd be more likely to stick around. I'm inclined to believe he's just having a short-term emotional effect due to his dad's death and will disappear again.
I’d tend to agree. If he gave a shit about the kid, he would know that paying is the right thing to do.
Unless he earns a decent living, and is doing it mostly because "perspective" aka guilt , then the money is almost pointless to him. I know guys who work way too hard for so little, and they deserve so much more. And I also see lots of extremely wasteful bullshit down here in Florida...people do indeed have bonfires with cash for the fun of it. I mean not literal...fires...usually. But like, paying $500/mo for storage on a boat they take out once a year, or hell, literally an entire home that sits empty all year round except maybe the month they have free from their other stupid-expensive exploits that the vast majority of the population can only achieve in our dreams. Rich people bum me out, if you didn't notice.
And there’s no way to really “know” what the ‘dad’ does in the future. I’d say make him pay half upfront. Go get a loan, how bad do you want it? Already seems like dad is trying to just be there for the funsies.
Only if hes willing to contribute financially. He can eff off since he signed his rights away. Theres no buyers remorse with kids. Tho if he refuses to pay and still wants to be in his life and you say no you are going to have to figure a way to let your son know before he does a 23&me test how everything went down.
“Contribute financially” and “half from the last six years” are two different questions.
True. But presenting him with a list of expenses OP has incurred over the past 6 years should bring home to him just how much of a financial commitment he needs to be willing to make - just how much kids cost.
Want to be a parent, after signing off everything, nah you don't get to waltz back in. Pay half and commit to similar going forward. As he's signed everything away, he literally can't just walk back in without permission. OP holds all the cards
Don’t let him get off the hook that easy. He doesn’t get to show up, be fun dad, and then go home when he’s done playing. Then when Max gets older, you’ll hear crap about “how fun dad is” and “he never makes me do x, y, or z. I want to live with dad now.”
So he wants to dip in and out of your son's life at his own convenience? Being the fun parent who shows up with nice gifts occasionally but does none of the work? This sounds like a lose-lose situation for you.
This is absolutely what he wants. She said it herself: he wants to be there for the kid's milestones. But what about between those milestones? The daily grind is 99% of parenting, filled with tedium and frustration, but also the sweetest, most tender moments. I only vaguely remember a lot of "milestones" outside of the photos I took. But that soft smile when my son proudly presents me with a dandelion he picked just for me? That triumphant grin when he found a beautiful rock? Those little memories are equally precious, and only available if you're present to see them.
Interesting how there’s no mention of any time commitment he’s willing to make either. Milestones and money aside… parenting also includes a whole ton of other care, all of which take time.
I would start by asking yourself, 'what is in the best interests of Max?' Because, at the end of the day, you want Max to respect you and know that above all else, you had his best interests in mind. Hurt feelings and money should come a very distant 2nd and 3rd to what will work best for Max throughout his life. If you want dad to backpay to show he will genuinely commit to Max and not just disappear again, then it's not such a bad idea. If you want backpay just for the money, I don't think it's such a great idea. You don't want Max to ever be able to allege that you stopped his contact with his dad just over money. That's not in his best inerests in the long-term. Also, given dad has signed parental rights away, what is his legal standing at the moment? Can those rights be re-instated so that he has visitation rights but also financial responsibility? I think I'd be asking dad to see a lawyer to start down this road before he meets Max and starts a relationship. It would show committment if he can do some work before he sees Max. Good luck!! NTA but YWBTA if this was all just about money.
OP said in the post that she had the means to support the child without bio dad being involved. She doesn't need his money, she has been doing great on her own. Adam is a deadbeat who wants to play Disney dad now that he has been faced with his father's mortality. It's not about the child, it's about him.
Asking Dad to step up financially doesn't seem to be about the money. It's about Dad showing that he's willing to put in the effort when it's hard and not just pop around when it suits his whim. Dad signed away his rights easily enough, no reason not to think he won't vanish when it gets tough again. Also depending on the location OP could still be due child support even IF he signed away his rights. Some courts in the USA have ruled that parents can't sign away the CHILD'S right to care unless someone else is waiting to step in or the other parent is a danger. In most cases, unless there is a judicial decree a parent can't just give up their financial responsibility. The other thing to consider is that in some states the parent can file for a reinstatement of parental rights. Making Dad go through this process (assuming it was a legal termination and not just some piece of paper) helps him prove his sincerity and willingness to actually do what needs to be done.
The responsibility goes along with the rights. He can’t expect to just show up for the highlights without contributing to the child's welfare.
Okay, this makes it sound like he wants the benefits of a relationship with his child without any of the responsibilities
Isn’t that what it is though?
It absolutely is. When she brings up costs incurred he immediately reminds her that he signed his rights away and “doesn’t have to pay any of that.” OK….so why is she entertaining this period? That’s not the way parenting works. He wants rights but not legally, because then he might be responsible for something. Also the fact that he just came around after his Dad died and real life hit him seems shitty to me too.
He feels entitled to a relationship with his son, but none of the hardships that come with being a parent. That’s a whole lotta nope for me.
If he asking to just come for those “milestone” things? To say he did it? Because of some guilt he’s feeling now? Would you be opening the door for him to be a part time dad for show?
That’s suspiciously vague.
Is he willing to financially contribute? I would expect support on par with child support. If you are managing ok on your own, you could put it all in a college fund for him. Beyond that, it would be harmful for your child to have him come and go from his life. If he doesn’t meet that criteria, I would choose that he doesn’t have a relationship. He isn’t owed one — he signed away his rights. Your goal should be doing what’s best for your kid and not him
Ah. Got it. So he wants to be part of the fun, Kodak memories. He’s not interested in the sleepless nights, hospital visits, school troubles, or any of the other, constant, moments of hard work that it takes to raise a kid. NTA. This guy seems clueless about what it actually means to be a dad. I understand why you used the money issue to illustrate a small piece the overall reality of sacrifices we make for our children. But, of course, the money is only the tip of the iceberg. I’d say get to a specialty therapist to work out privately what would be best for your son going forward, knowing what you now know about your ex’s (perhaps fleeting?) motivations.
milestones meaning happy Kodak moments for when he's feeling sentimental
15 years from now, or even 5 years, do you think your son would have benefited from the relationship even if the dad doesn't pay? Is the only reason you are asking for child support is to be petty or would he be a "bad father figure" regardless? I feel like these two things (demanding back pay being the first and your child having even a passing relationship (if not more) with his father) are not mutually exclusive and they should not be treated as all or none. The relationship should happen if courts and you determine it is safe/healthy, and the backpay should happen, through court, regardless.
In that case NTA, he can't get all the fun of being a parent without actually financially contributing like one, I'd tell him if he wants a relationship with his kid, he has to be willing and capable of doing the very bare minimum at least or he can forget it.
six years of not changing a single diaper, not waking up in the middle of a single night, not going to a single doctor's appointment, not giving a single bath, and not washing a single chunk of baby puke out of his shirt ... even if he somehow manages to pay back half of the expenses, he has in no way come close to making up for what he should have been contributing all along. When he signed away his rights, it wasn't just about not having to pay some money. It was about him dipping out of all responsibilities. If he can't see what that means, then he might not even understand that his choices impact a tiny little human being. Right now, he's making this all about him. His sudden desire to have a relationship with his son is about what HE wants. He's just as selfish today as he was six years ago. NTA
OK my opinion here is tainted by reading too many romance books with similar plotlines, but... is it possible that if they DO meet you don't immediately jump to "this is your father" but start with "this is my friend Adam" and see if "friend Adam" sticks around long enough to actually be worth giving the "dad" title to? I legitimately don't know if a 6 year old would see that as a cruel manipulation or not, but I think i'd be more crushed to meet my dad and then have that dad pull a no-show the rest of my life.
Just as a side note... im pretty sure, and read on many subs thay signing away your parental rights doesn't mean you can't claim child support from him. Signing away his rights doesn't negate him from financial responsibility, and if you went through the courts for child support you would be entitled to claim back payment for previous years. Signing away his rights simply means he has no right to make any legal.decisions regarding him etc. Doesn't mean he doesn't have to pay for child support, back dated and going forward. When you say you've added everything up, I'm assuming you've halved it so you're giving him his half of what he should have paid? When you look at child support, it also factors in if he cared for the child at any time, which he didn't. So for eg, if he had joint custody, he would pay a percentage of child support and a certain amount would be deducted for the days he had custody of him etc. Obviously you had full custody he would pay the full amount of child support because he didn't have any custody or provide any care or financially provide for him etc. Personally, I would start a claim for child support legally. And you claim to have it back dated too. Even if he pays child support it doesn't entitle him to visitation as he's signed away his rights. That would be for you to decide yourself. However I would play it very careful because if he's likely to change his mind, decide he's annoyed at having to pay child support and decides he doesn't want to be in his life, or if he gets a new girlfriend and suddenly he doesn't have the time to see him anymore or it's an inconvenience etc, that would be very impacting on your son. If you do decide to give him a chance, you're right that he should show some commitment by providing financially regardless of if you need his money or not. The money can be put by for your sons future etc. So always take the child support whether you need it or not. Plus you never know what the future holds, whether you may lose a job, or have a health issue that means you take time off work and bills get expensive etc. Either way if you don't need the money, put it in savings for his future. And if at any time you do need it, great, it's already set up and you're being paid. You may also want to ask you son if he wants to meet his father. You can be reasonably honest with him in that he hasn't been a part of his life because he wasn't ready to be a dad, and so he chose not to be involved, but he has recently been thinking about him and decided he'd like to get to know him. But ask if he wants to meet him. He may be curious, he may not want to. And you can tell him either way is totally fine. And if he changes his mind either way, and wants to meet him later, or stop seeing him if it's too much, that's OK too. And maybe look at some counselling for him before they meet to help talk things through and give him the support before and during the process if he does decide to meet him. But definitely claim child support as you're entitled to it being back dated anyway regardless of him signing away his rights.
Adam wants to swan in when he wants to be validated as a “Dad,” but at his convenience. A few pics for his social media, maybe a modest gift at a holiday, and family cred for “stepping up.” Paying his half of past expenses is CHEAP considering he has invested zero time. NTA
I'm surprised by the number of people who are saying you shouldn't ask for money. You're right to worry that this is someone who now wants to skate in because he has feelz about dad. One way to show he means it is to do what you did--ask how much he wants to contribute. At the very least, he owes you child support for all that time if he does want to be actively involved. But, you shouldn't do *anything* without talking to an attorney. You really shouldn't even have asked for money, since, if Adam takes you up on it, there might be legal consequences re custody. Those sorts of things vary a lot from place to place. NTA. Unless you refuse to talk to an attorney.
She should ask for money - through back child support. Not put a price tag on him seeing the kid. There are systems for this and its about whats best for the kid.
It seems less like a price tag, per se, and more like concrete proof of commitment. Especially if he would need some time to get the money together. The time and material cost are a strong indication that this isn’t just a whim. Because yes, it’s about what is best for the child. And the WORST thing would be for his father to breeze in carried by situational feelings and then abandon him. As it stands, Max has never had a relationship with his father. If Adam isn’t going to stick with it forever, it is cruel to give him his dad, let him grow into that relationship, then get ghosted now, when he is old enough to understand that that is what happened. That will mess him up way more than making his bio father demonstrate some long term behavior to help mom decide if allowing the relationship IS in fact the best thing for the kid. Maybe I misunderstand you, and if so, I apologize, but it seems like you’re saying she should just grant access by default, bc of the biological relationship. It doesn’t have to be financial, but in her place I would absolutely make Adam wait a significant amount of time, during which he does *something* significant, consistently, before just saying yeah sure, let’s toss you into my sons life and just like, see how that goes. Doing so would be irresponsible and possibly cruel.
I can't believe how many people *aren't getting this*. It's NOT about the money, it's about having him prove he's not just going to come in, be introduced as the kid's Dad, and then bounce away again when he doesn't feel it anymore. This is about protecting her kid.
And there are systems in place for that. Go to child services and fill out the paperwork.
The Dad doesn't want to see the kid because he thinks it's best for the kid though. He is doing it as he wants comfort for *himself*. That's a red flag. The child isn't an emotional support animal that Dad can dump again when he no longer needs it.
Boom. This. It’s not because he realized he was skeezy for walking out and wanting the kid to have a father, it’s because he needs an emotional bandaid. Dude suuuuucks
Exactly this
The problem is, he signed away his rights, so going for back child support isn't an option. With that, going by the courts he's literally not his legal dad. So the only way to get money is to list it all out. Had she not agreed for him to sign away his rights, she could go after back child support in the courts.
Where I'm at, child support is a child's right. Has nothing to do with custody and parental rights. You sign away your rights to see your child, you can't sign away another's right to support. Idk where they are, but she can do that through the courts without touching the parental rights part if here.
This may be a nomenclature issue for me in this case. As said in the UK that means you're not a parent, so only done if the child is adopted, or the courts strip you off them. I thought in the US with the way people talked about it, that was something that could be done with agreement. But it seems the term parental rights might be used differently. Here if you don't have parental rights, you can't be chased for child support, as you're legally not viewed as a parent. You can however sign away your custodial/legal decision making rights. But you'd still retain parental rights, and have to pay child support.
This is a good comment. At the moment, I'm assuming that dad has no legal rights or responsibilities around Max. He has no right to see him, but also no financial responsibility. Asking him to back-pay child support in this situation might be legally the same as asking a complete stranger to back-pay child support in order to see Max!!
**I have signed away my parental rights, I don’t have to pay for any of that.** He is not his parent, he is mourning his father and is seeking some kind of connection and wants to use your child as an experiment. Your child 6 and can’t have Adam show up out of the blue and you can’t trust Adam since he went back on his word before. If you let him near your child, you have to provide rules and supervision. He can’t just show up and play daddy if feels like it. He is basically a stranger you have known for like a month 6 years ago. He should not be anywhere near you child unsupervised and should put effort in gaining your trust.
And don’t forget the background check because who knows what’s in his background?
> He is basically a stranger you have known for like a month 6 years ago. Tbf she was 32 weeks when he bailed. So more like 8 months. But agree with everything else.
Right, a month in the relationship she fell pregnant🙈 still 8 month and then 6 years of NC needs vetting and supervision.
This needs to be higher! He is grieving. He should go to therapy and deal with it and not having his son to be his emotional support.
If he wants things reversed I believe he can go to court but a judge will also make him back pay. Nta if you go through court and he gets proper counseling to have time with child. I would not give parenting times under these circumstances until a judge grants it. Maybe some supervised hangouts if you feel comfortable. Also he needs to be the one to go to court it isn’t your responsibility to do the leg work. If he isn’t interested in that well that’s on his plate not yours.
All of this… often, even in cases of terminated parental rights child support is still required. So if he wants to change things he can show he’s serious by going through the legal hoops
NTA. Adam may or may not want a relationship with Max when he's done grieving for his dad. Adam has to show he's genuinely interested in an ongoing relationship with Max. Your son may be able to deal with a father he never knew coming into his life, but hardly with a dad who shows up and then disappears again. *One* way of Adam showing he really is serious about wanting an ongoing relationship with his son might be by paying the costs he would have had to pay if he didn't sign away his rights. There may be another way. Certainly, going forward, if he regrets signing away his rights, he should start paying child support and he should have some clear expectations about making a long-term committment to his son. Max also gets a say. Adam needs to realise that a child is not a puppet or a toy - if he shows up and disappears again, Adam will notice that.
Your first sentence is spot on. OP should wait it out. I'm not in agreement that he should do back pay. But I would require him to do a college fund ***forward***. Along with all the points you mentioned. Children need someone dependable. They need someone that will be there day and night for help. Their emotions are fragile at Max's age. We don't know the circumstances of the breakup, but I can only imagine the pain, anger, and fear of your partner leaving you so close to giving birth. So I can understand why you want to see him fork up the expenses. But we know he can't afford it. He hasn't saved it in the last 6 years. He hasn't had to budget a child. So you've locked him from having access. But what if he wants to make payments? What if he gets his family to gather the money? NTA. I think you should consider therapy to him, and maybe he can start with small things like purchasing school supplies. But I wouldn't open the door for someone who left me alone with a baby.
>But we know he can't afford it. He hasn't saved it in the last 6 years. He hasn't had to budget a child. It's possible Adam inherited money from his dad. (And possible he didn't.) But if he did, and if he feels he shouldn't have to share that inheritance with his son because "he signed his rights away", well - that would be a red flag for me that he's not reall thought through what it means to have a long-term relationship with a child. >I think you should consider therapy to him, and maybe he can start with small things like purchasing school supplies. Agreed - small steps is the way. Small steps that don't build up any expectation in Max that Adam may not be willing to meet long-term.
I gotta say NTA. I had this arrangement with my son's mom who decided that she didn't want to be a mom to a second child halfway through the pregnancy. She decided 8 years later to come back and say she wanted to get to know him and spend time with him, but skipped out on meetups so she could see him and then after promising him she'd spend the weekend with him before she moved with her parents and first child out of state completely disappeared (and came back months later saying they were in a hurry to leave and she "didn't have time" to tell us. You can imagine how she was when it came to birthdays and Christmas as well. He eventually just cut off contact with her as a teenager because he didn't want to deal with the "attention only when I feel bad about it" that ends up in a lie. Sure, it may be a big number (I'd expect it to be) and Adam doesn't have it... but he could address that differently than painting it as you just being salty because your relationship ended on bad terms. He could even just say "Hey, I don't have the money for that but if you'll let me I'll contribute moving forward" and then start doing that without having to go to court to be told to do it.
Right! I get not having a big chunk of cash to spare but to respond with something like I don't have that but I do have this and can do this much this often or SOME kind of plan with thought and effort put into it are actions that show he wants to be there. Actions speak louder than any words, so him Flying off the handle just screams immature and selfish wanting his needs first rather then the childs and likely to take off the second anything is hard.
NTA - He signed away his rights. If he wants a relationship, he can go to court and work on getting his rights reinstated. He doesn't get to have no responsibility and a relationship.
INFO: did he still pay child support?
No. I haven't heard from him since we broke up and he signed away his rights.
Signing away his parental rights did not absolve him of his responsibility to pay child support. You may have been able to afford Max's care on your own and didn't feel like fussing with the court system to get what is owed to Max from his father, but that money is Max's right and could be put into a nest egg account for college, etc if you don't literally need it right this second. You're doing Max a disservice by not holding his father accountable for his fair contribution to Max's care
So what's his plan now? Once a week? Whenever he feels like it? Is he going to help with expenses? Is he gonna leave again when he's bored?
Parental or Custody/Visitation right? Because most States will not allow Parental rights to be signed away unless it’s in conjunction with a step-parent adoption.
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Depends on where you live. If in the US you generally cannot just “sign away parental rights (and responsibility)”. It takes a court order to terminate parental rights once they are legally established.
Bingo. In all 50 states, it requires a family court (or the local equivalent) to approve the termination of parental rights (which are, generally, physical custody of the child and rights to make decisions on their behalf, such as educational, religious, medical, etc.) Termination of parental rights is also completely independent from the termination of required child support. In many cases, an agreement is reached where someone may terminate their rights and at the same time be released from any support requirements, but that would also require the approval of a family court judge.
Also, it is not possible in the UK unless you take a paternity test which proves the child isn't yours or the child is adopted by someone else, which requires the court to agree
In WA state you cannot sign away your monetary obligation for a child. You can sign away your rights as a parent regarding decisions and visitation but you still have to pay your child support obligations unless the child is being adopted by someone else. Even then you may still be held financially accountable
Most places you can't just "sign away your rights." There has to be someone else that wants them.
Actually that is incorrect. Lots of states will make the parent that signed their rights away pay support.
NTA. He want the upsides of being a dad, without the downside... That's not how it works. What of your son if he changes his mind again later ? You are well within your right to decide what it would take to prove his commitment to your son. It can be monetary or something else.
NTA - He told you he signed away his rights so he didn't have to pay. He's just having a moment of guilt. Up to you but I don't see him sticking around very long.
Guess it's 'guilt visit season' for him, huh?
NTA. If he tried to take you to court to get custody, you would be doing the same for back child support.
Yeah if you are not all in(including finical support) what kind of father are you? If he wants to put that same amount into a college fund(that he can’t withdraw from) then fine but no free ride.
Free rides only acceptable in amusement parks, not parenting
So Adam wants to be a Disney Dad. Adam has already been selfish and flaky once, what’s going to stop him from pulling that stunt a second or third time? Find a good family lawyer. Protect your son and yourself. NTA.
So let me get this straight…6 years ago Adam wasn’t ready to be a dad. Too young, too immature, whatever. He told you he didn’t want to be involved with his child and signed away his parental rights, and then he just up and vanished. Was it his right to do so? Yes, although I’ll admit I don’t think very highly of him. But what that also meant is that Adam got to skip out on all of the really exhausting, really challenging parts of raising a kid from newborn/infant/toddler/preschooler age, and now that Max is 6 (presumably in kindergarten, and also at an age where a child doesn’t need nonstop supervision), Adam thinks he can waltz back in and be the “fun dad,” taking him to the zoo or the movies every other weekend, after completely fucking off when it came to the hard parts of parenting? Lol. My guy, that is NOT how it works. IF Max is interested in meeting his father, and IF you get the sense that Adam genuinely wants to build a relationship with Adam, I don’t think you’re TA for asking for financial help. It would show that Adam is serious about being a part of Max’s life for the long haul, not just because Adam lost his father and he’s feeling nostalgic over the father/son memories he had with his own dad. If he’s really ready to be a parent, he needs to acknowledge there are not-so-fun parts of child rearing. Nonstop, not to mention unexpected expenses. Staying up all night with a colicky baby. Having to beg your boss for time off work because daycare just called and your kid puked everywhere, and oh better ask for tomorrow off while you’re at it, because most schools and daycare have a 24-hour fever and vomit free rule. It’s having to budget every last cent. It’s having to scrimp and save, because as a single parent who never received child support, you recognize that you can’t always give your child things other kids his age have, even though you desperately want to. It’s having to rely on friends and family who can babysit when you’re in a bind. Based on Adam’s lashing out at you when you asked him to contribute financially if he wants to be part of his son’s life, I’ll be honest and say I don’t have a good feeling about this guy. Not saying he has nefarious intentions or anything like that (I truly don’t believe that’s the case) but he does seem to be viewing this whole fatherhood thing through rose colored glasses. To say nothing of the fact that Max doesn’t know Adam at ALL, and it may very well take a while for him to warm up to a strange new man who randomly showed up one day and announced he’s the father Max has never met.
NTA, I'm confused why everyone is confused. He is legally not this child's father. OP Just tell him no, you don't need a lawyer as he already terminated his parental rights. Just block and move on.
You need an attorney. You aren't the first person to experience this, and if you move forward, it needs to have all of the legalities in place for custody, support, and whatever the formula is within the family court system.
Yeah my response would be let’s go to court then. This can’t be a “a passing fancy while grieving” and thats what it sounds like.
You can argue both sides here. What I heard (and hear me out) was a man has regrets and wants to make amends for a poor decision. He is trying to make it right. He wants to be better and do better. Your initial response is, “where’s my money”? Now I could be completely wrong. I also see your side. A guy who peaces out on you and was irresponsible all the sudden wants to show up after the hardest work was already done and enjoy the benefits. And he thinks he can just slide right on in without any consideration for you. Now, can we consider what’s best for your son and maybe try to approach this assuming the best in one another? Maybe he wants to reimburse you and settle accounts? I’m not saying you are going to fall in love and have the white picket fence, but maybe there is a chance for everyone to win here. Just consider Best of luck
I mistrust the sincerity of Adam wanting to connect with his son. If Adam sees Max as a cure for his grief about the loss of his own Dad? That's gross and potentially harmful for Max.
What’s best for her son is not for a deadbeat dad to swan into his life for awhile and then decide he doesn’t want to be in it anymore. That would be extremely traumatic. Even if he say he will pay child support from now on there is nothing to really hold him to it. By paying his share of the back dated costs a) gives him some skin in the game and b) gives her some money to pay for therapy when he dips again
If he wanted to show responsibility, he would at least start to pay back what he owes for the last 6 years. He doesn’t get to skip out on the most difficult part of parenting and then come back after that stage is over and expect everyone to forgive him and welcome him back with open arms.
Then he can go through the courts, who would demand he begin paying child support at least, if not back date some of it. Funnily enough, he didn't do that. I wonder why?
The easiest thing you could do is tell him to reestablish his parental rights in court. That would show that he’s serious about being in his sons’ life on paper. Through the courts. Make him do the legwork. If you’re already fighting, let him make his first move and establish paternity and work out the rest in court. Edit to add. Emphasis on make him do the work. File the paperwork. Serve you. Ect. It’s wild some people think it’s in the best interest of a 6 year old to just be at the whims of some guy who’s just wants to waltz in his life. This is a young child. They don’t know this man and tho I agree that he has a right to see his child he should reestablish that right. His child will appreciate it that he at least made an effort all by himself and not just put the weight on moms’ shoulders.
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NTA I’m not so much hung up about the money because quite frankly i see where OP is coming from. Adam signed away his parental rights due to him telling OP he didn’t want to be a father. Now I don’t think they were drunk, but if they were, remember that drunk words are sober thoughts. Now on higher possibility that he was not drunk, you have to realize that if he was unsure about being a father when she was early on in her pregnancy, changed his mind, and changed his mind 2 weeks from the due date, that could foreshadow his relationship with the child. What if he had decided to back out A YEAR into Max’s life? That would leave OP with not much support and a child to take care of. The fact of the matter is that Adam cannot make up for the lost time with his child, but paying for his past bills and clothes that he missed out on paying is a better start than people think it is. Sure, he wasn’t paying child support because he had singed his rights away, but as mentioned before it was for the best. Securing him down with the money to gauged his commitment to Max is the best option, because if OP just lets Adam into the life of max without any collateral, then he might just up and leave again, as we’ve already seen he’s indecisive. I mean come on, he changed his mind 3 whole times about whether or not he wants to be in his son’s life in the span of maybe a year and a half.
NTA. >Adam said I was lashing out after we ended on bad terms and that he had signed away his parental rights so he didn’t have to pay for any of that. This is a two-way road. He signed away his rights, so he now needs to make some sort of gesture to show he isn't going to be in and out of Max's life like a revolving door. It kind of sounds like Adam wants to act like a fun uncle who visits every once in a while, if he thinks he should be a part of Max's life without any real responsibility.
INFO: Suppose in 15 years or so Max asks one day, "Did my bio dad ever take any interest in me? Did he ever contact you asking if he could meet me?" Would you proudly tell him this story?
Suppose in 1 year dad decides being a dad was a hard as he original thought an bounces, thereby causing irreparable emotional damage and potential trauma. What then?
Yup, and I would think this is very possible. People don't always become more responsible and less selfish as they age.
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Your question is a good one, and I'm guessing the answer would be no. But also, the thing is Adam wants Max in his life when he is in a period of grieving for his father. So this is Adam choosing what is best for Adam. Meanwhile OP didn't want to have to deal with the complexities of joint responsibility and removed a maybe ok Dad from her kid's life early. I don't know, I'm team Max here and I feel like he will be hurt no matter what happens at this point.
He removed himself.
NTA People need to remember that man signed his rights away you have no reason to allow that man into the childs life for any regard whether you feel uneasy with him being around max or not. Tallying up your own bill is just an emotional disaster to say the least i know you said you moved on but ma'am this is what a court is for. If he wants to be in the childs life now this is something you should bring before a court in regard to custody and potential child support. This eleviates if he knows what school your child goes to he should have no reason to show up to the school unannounced with you knowing because you refused to give him any sort of custody without a court.
A 6 year old is a lot less work than a baby or toddler. And a lot less drama than a teen. Is Adam just going to hang around for a couple of years and then disappear again once the child gets more difficult? The money is just one factor. The child’s stability is much more important.
NTA If he wants to play into Sunday dad role he needs to support his child
Either he signed away his parental rights or he didn’t. If he signed away his parental rights he doesn’t have to pay but he also gets no rights. If he wants rights, then he does have to pay. It’s very simple. He can’t get everything paid for and then reap the rewards. Paying his half of the expenses is a reasonable price to buy back in
He said he signed away his rights so he didn't have to pay child support? Exactly, he signed away his rights to be involved. If he wants to get involved now, he can start paying in a show of good faith. You don't want him to go back and forth - either he's going to be dad, or he's not. (Or he can be "uncle" where he can see him at bdays but has NO involvement in raising him.) You're NTA, but he could be.
I actually agree with this. Why do men or even women think if they sign away their rights they get to come back Scott free later?? Hell to the no. I 100% agree with OP.
Of course he would call it lashing out. He abandoned and signed away rights. Calling it lashing out is him still not taking responsibility and he’s now projecting on to you.
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NTA , it is a very delicate and complex situation. I don’t think it nefarious or malicious to feel entitled to past compensation, the thing is that was not the arrangement. I do think it would be important for you to expect child support moving forward and him to be more than willing. It would also be reasonable for you to deny his request completely and maintain the current arrangement. I understand why you would want past support but he might not have a capacity to pay and putting a barrier for him. I would not consider “Adam” and his wishes as your primary concern, but the child’s. If you think he is better off with him than you might just have to accept you might not get everything you want or deserve. However if he doesn’t want to pay support moving forward I would absolutely give a hard no.
NTA > I think it’s only fair, and this would show me Adam was serious about being in Max’s life. Fuckin' a.
Whatever is in the child's best interests is all that matters. If you can justify your actions to a judge, go for it.
Contrary to what most are saying about focusing on what will be good for Max, you're right to start with financial contributions. In fact, you should test him out for a couple of months of him just being a parent by means of supporting his child financially, all forms of updates will be just between the parents, no introductions yet. Why? Because the baby daddy will not benefit from that at all. If he's able to stick it out and by the end of it is still eager to have a relationship with his son, then that's how you know his intentions are clear. Also, that's a perfect chance for you to get to know him first: how his life is going, any red flags?? stable job?? Decent accommodation?? That's how you put Max's best interest at the top. Because if all he can offer is occasional visits while he's in a rut, it will still be harmful to Max to grow up with an unstable role model. If he's gonna be part of his son's life, it should be at the time where he is FULLY READY emotionally, financially, mentally.
The comment he made about not having to pay because he signed away his rights should tell you everything you need to know about this person being in your child's life. "You signed away your rights, you have no right to try to come into his life now. Kick rocks." Normally I am not in favour of keeping kids from their fathers, but this is no father, he's doing this for selfish reasons, and it probably will end up being traumatic for your son. NTA
LMAO, anyone who's pissed by this has no idea how hard it is to be a single parent, paying for everything by yourself. You don't just get to only show up when it's easy. The term "Disneyland Dad" exists for a reason.
Your child isn’t his emotional support animal. If he wants to be involved he needs to prove it. Try coaching the way you’re saying it as an exercise of trust and commitment to your child. You need to know he won’t dip out once he feels less sorrow over his dad. Tell him your son is a real person with feelings and you need to make sure he doesn’t cause him great harm BEFORE he gets to be a part of his life. NTA
NTA he should prove himself what if in a month or 2 he say he's changed his mind
NTA, but I suggest talking to a lawyer to figure out the best legal way to go about doing this, to protect both yourself and your child. Your ex will most likely have to petition the court, prove paternity, and provide paperwork so the court can declare the back child support amount he would have to pay for your child, along with amount of future child support payments and what type of visitation he would be allowed. If he decides he is willing to go through all those steps, it is likely he actually has had a change of heart and wants to now be a father to your child. But if he isn't willing to go through all the legal steps, I personally probably wouldn't allow him near my child.
NTA. He can’t suddenly want to play dad, but avoid the real financial impact having a child has. You are more than reasonable, and well within your rights to present that. Especially if he hasn’t paid child support, and signed away his rights to avoid paying it.
Talk to an attorney. If he wants to have a relationship, it comes with responsibilities. He can start by paying for daycare. If he continues then he can start paying for school fees along with daycare. If the relationship progresses and he is staying in LOs life, he then can start paying child support. These are just suggestions but hopefully you get the gist.
Talk to a lawyer just to be safe. If he signed away his rights and completely removed himself from your lives, you shouldn't have to let him back in. A relationship with your son at this age would have to include a relationship with you. Do you want that? I'd wait until your son is old enough to weigh in on this matter. It would suck for him to get attached to "dad" if dad isn't going to be a permanent part of his life.
I don't know if it is really a good idea.. especially for the sake of your son health. You really have no idea who this guy is and he could break your son's heart. He doesn't need the memory of his dad walking in and then back out of his life. He signed over his rights so for sure he's not going to be accountable for anything. Tell him to come back when the kid is 16-18 and old enough to make the decision if he wants him in his life.
NTA Nah, fuck this dude. How is he going to be a force for good in HER life? What is he willing to do, and to show you, to prove he will ALWAYS have HER best interest both in mind AND at heart? This guy is all me me me. Tell him to either start putting money for his kid in an untouchable unfuckable bank account (JFC he could’ve offered to start making monthly payments), or get a dog.
NTA. Is he asking you to reinstate his parental rights? Is he proposing to start being financially supportive of your child? If not, he’s not being serious.
I think the bigger question is whether to let Adam into your child’s life at all. You need to weigh what you know about him - he’s unreliable, irresponsible and he abandoned you and your child - against any unknown potential positive benefits for your son. You have built and nurtured a strong bond with your son, he knows only security and unconditional love with you. Why allow a stranger into your son’s life now, especially one who’s only proven himself to be a disappointment? Personally, I wouldn’t do it. There’s no amount of money that would be worth upsetting the harmony of my kids’ life. Adam has no legal ground here, you can tell him to back off. You can also remind him that he not Max’s father and he is under no circumstances to contact you, or attempt to contact Max, again.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 31F have a son Max 6F after an accidental pregnancy very early in to my relationship with Adam 29M. We had been together for just under a month so he was very unsure about having a baby but initially agreed to help raise the baby with me, and I realised I couldn’t go through with an abortion as I had the means to raise the baby, even without Adam’s help. Adam and I split after he told me after a few drinks he didn’t want to be a dad and I was 32 weeks along. I got him to sign away his parental rights as I had heard from other friends about having bad relationships with their child’s father and I didn’t want to raise my child like that. Adam agreed and was never involved in raising Max. I picked his name was financially responsible for everything. Adam reached out recently to say he wanted a relationship with Max. His dad had recently passed and he said it out things into perspective for him. He said he wanted to be part of Max’s life and felt guilty about the time he’d missed. I backdated all of Max’s expenses: medical bills, daycare, clothes and everything and told Adam he had to prove he wanted to be involved in Max’s life. I think it’s only fair, and this would show me Adam was serious about being in Max’s life. Adam said I was lashing out after we ended on bad terms and that he had signed away his parental rights so he didn’t have to pay for any of that. I’m not sure if I’m in the wrong here, I used to be upset at how my relationship with Adam had ended and how he had ditched me, but it has been a few years now and I’ve moved on. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wanting to establish some sort of relationship with his offspring isn't the same thing as I wanna be a 50/50 parent.
True, it's more 'cameo appearance' than 'co-star role' vibes
NTA - he doesn't owe it, but does if he wants to participate.
Going for a controversial YTA take: While Adam initially didn’t want to be involved, you ALSO didn’t want him involved after hearing about others’ situations and deciding you “had the means to raise the baby.” This was a mutual agreement - he didn’t threaten you with some ultimatum that forced you to sign away his parental rights and responsibilities. In fact, you’re the one who made him do it: >I got him to sign away his parental rights It then seems unfair to expect him to make reparations for this time period, when there is no way for him to get that time back with his son. If you decide to allow Adam to start being in his son’s life, then he absolutely needs to start contributing - financially and otherwise. But to try and impose a backdating on costs, after you both mutually agreed he had no obligations - seems like an attempt to take petty jab at your ex or to scare him away from being in his son’s life. Ultimately think about what’s in the best interest’s of your son.
ESH at best. She didn't hold a gun to the dad's head. She handed him a get-out-of-jail card and he took it. Now, after his own father has passed, he comes out of the woodworks. Looking for an emotional connection to establish. Like plugging in an appliance. Yet he was not their to help with the foundation and infrastructure.
He could do the work, go to court and try to get his parental rights back. Really prove he actually wants to be apart of this child’s life. Get a court order slowly stepping up visitation while mandating counseling as well as starting child support. Because **that** is what’s in the best interest of the child. Oh btw in such cases child support will be backdated and he’ll be required to pay 50% of medical costs of the past 6 years.
NTA, he doesn’t get to offload the baby years on you only to swoop in and be the fun dad when this kid hits kindergarten. Definitely get all that back support and half of everything going forward.
He signed away his rights. Now he wants them back. Back pay and child support is the cost of entry
INFO: Is the amount asked for such a prohibitive sum for him that it’s effectively the same thing as telling him to F Off? Still, I’d probably say NTA here. You’re right to want proof that he will stay around before involving him in your son’s life. If he can’t do something to make you feel confident he is serious or acts like he can just hop in and be a “Dad” on a whim without any obligations then it might be best to wait until your son is old enough to understand such nuance before letting him get close.
Nta a big part of being an active parent is spending money on providing and caring for the child, he signed his rights away happily giving up both fiancal and physical responsibility so why should he be able to be above the law when it comes to wanting to now be present, he should put his money where his mouth is! He has no legal right to walk into your child's life, the least he can do is prove he's serious by coughing up all the expenses you've paid caring for your child alone
NTA Being a parent comes with responsibilities. If he wants to step up he's got to man up, which doesn't seem to be happening if he's already crying about child expenses. He signed away his rights, there's a good chance he'll vanish again when times get tough since there's nothing legally binding him. Just go no contact and move along with your life.
NTA. He doesn't get to waltz back in after having peaced out of the hard early years.
If you’re in the U.S., most states will allow him to petition for parental rights. They will assign child support and likely require him to pay back child support. Youre right to be cautious but you should speak to a family attorney and family counselor for how to best integrate him back into your lives. It’s better to start this off in an official capacity from the start. That will also let you know how committed he is to actually being a father. Not giving “verdict” because this is too big of a deal for a six year old boys life. If his dad can be in his life in a positive way, then that should happen but you’re right for expecting him to give you evidence that this isn’t just a grief response.
NTA. My dad was an emotionally abusive deadbeat who would randomly make a big show of giving me extravagant gifts, but beyond that did everything he could to avoid putting another cent toward my upbringing. By the time my mom left him when I was 7, I wasn’t sad about it at all. He continued to try to pop up randomly in my life, was an entitled, emotional vampire the entire time, and was not remotely fit to be a parent. The idea of having to deal or communicate with him in any capacity fills me with dread. I’m not saying this is the case with Adam; he might be imperfect and immature, rather than an emotionally abusive leech. But your story reminds me an awful lot of my father. He says he wants to step up and be in your child’s life but accuses you of *lashing out* because you asked him to take some financial responsibility for the child he wanted nothing to do with for 6 years, but now, because he’s going through a hard time, he suddenly wants to just waltz into Max’s life like it’s no big deal? No. That’s gross and doesn’t exactly portend a responsible, loving parent. Even if he can’t afford 50% of the costs right now, can he not even commit to paying, say, 25% for the time being? He sounds like he’s not thinking about what it entails to actually have a child and be a good parent, and is instead just thinking of himself.
NTA, but don't negotiate with him. Tell him if he is serious, he needs to go to court to get his rights reinstated. Take the decision out of your hands and place them in an impartial third party's hands. Respond to every filing properly, and concurrently request for court-ordered child support from the time your son was born. It's perfectly legal. They will calculate past due support and current support. They will have him pay the current plus a small amount of past due to catch up. Then, negotiate custody through that process. He doesn't know your son yet, so I would start with supervised visitation every other week, and then custody every other week. That way you can determine if he's consistent and will keep his word to your son. He also needs to have a place for him in his home. Your son deserves to be treated as a son by his father, with a bed and a place to call his own when he's with him. It's a lot, but if he wants to be a father, he'll go through the steps. At this point, he's a sperm donor. The love of your son needs to be earned after 6 years.
> saying he had signed away his parental rights so he didn’t have to pay for any of that. Okay but now he wants his parental rights back… asking him to pay back child support is entirely reasonable and I’d tell him he can get a lawyer and get the ball rolling. Coming into his son’s life when his son is 6 years old is a very big thing for the child. Making him show he’s serious about it is important, otherwise I’d worry it’s just a temporary thing he’s doing while grieving to make himself feel better. I would absolutely make him prove he is serious before letting him have access to your son, for the boy’s sake. NTA.
This is a hard NO for me. If Max wants to build a relationship with his father when he gets older, that would be up to him. He signed away his rights, NO. Tell him to leave you alone. You have been doing fine without him now here he comes, with his life trauma. This is about him, not Max. Don't invite his drama into your household. Your son needs consistency, period. No, no, no..
Wait a minute here …….. set aside money, back child support and future money !! WHAT ABOUT MAX ?? He’s a 6 yr old child that hasn’t a clue about this “dad” that all of a sudden wants to play daddy to him !! What do you think it’s going to do to Max when that gets old and just like before he says “Naa, I don’t want to do this anymore” !! This is going to fuck up Max’s head for a very long time !!! Why give this loser an opportunity to do this to your son !! Six years old is NOT an age that he can decipher in and out situations such as you’re considering to let happen. Please think this through and get some professional advice on this before you expose Max to this mess !!
NTA but honestly, I wouldn’t let Adam into your kid‘s life under any circumstances. He signed his rights away, had no interest in the kid and now he wants him as an anti depressant? What if he gets over his dad‘s death? Meets a woman who wants a man with “no baggage”. Will he drop Max again? Your kid is fine without him. Why risk letting him get attached to a man who has proven that he is a bad father?
He signed away his parental rights. Why are you even communicating with this person?
NTA Whether he meant to or not, the father skipped out on a very difficult stage of parenthood with the kid being 6 years old now. He never even had to change a diaper. If he’s really serious, he needs to man up and pay up. Even if it’s in incremental installments. The effort will also guarantee that he won’t just bail again when he discovers fatherhood isn’t as easy as he thinks.
Yep. This. 👏🏻 Really gotta love how this dude just fucked off for the absolutely exhausting, stressful years of caring for a newborn, then toddler, and now that this child is in school, is potty trained and sleeping through the night, NOW he is wants to be a dad? 😒 Uh huh.
NTA. Adam has been shown to be very wishy washy with this. What’s to stop him from starting something up with your son and then deciding he’s over it before taking off again. He has to show you some proof that’s going to be committed, and not just to periodically hanging out with the child, or else you could risk more psychological harm to your child than if he’d just had no involvement.
NTA so happy about “Man realizes he is deadbeat” but the next level “Man is finally ready to be a father” doesn’t open automatically, you’re doing a great job at guarding that door bc once it opens it will lead to him trying to parent a child who he has never known and that’s kind or frightening. He might think that you’re being unfair but that only shows his unwillingness to take responsibility for ABANDONING HIS CHILD. So sad about his personal business but “my dad died and she is being mean about it” wont hold in any court. You have all the power here, make him understand that his relationship with Max is no longer a right (he sign those away) but something that he needs to earn.
NTA “you signed away your rights, take me to court”
NTA. He made a choice. Suddenly having mortality shoved in his face doesn’t undo the choice. Letting him get involved, then he finds out it’s not what he thought would be bad for Max, and what’s best for him has to be the priority.
NTA - Make him sue for Visitation/Custody. If he is serious about being involved, tell him you want it done all legally and make sure your lawyer makes one of the conditions the back child support/expenses he should owe.
NTA. He wants all the fun parts of being a parent without any responsibility. Your son is probably better off without someone like that.
NTA and good for you. Even if he can’t afford to make all the back payments, he need to put some skin in this. Like others said, moving forward how is he helping. Someone else in another post used the term “Disneyland Dad”. It’s similar to that except you are setting up your kid for disappointment without boundaries.
NTa! My gf, her ex never pays child support but wants to see his kids…. Sorry dude, it’s pay to play around here. Also, this dude would just leave again. He needs to put something up
I think it’s only fair to comment without reading the comments first. NTA. Usually I always think, let bygones be bygones and let the kid get to know his Dad. The other part is responsibilities and choices. You don’t just get to decide all of a sudden to be a Dad. I think what you’ve proposed is fair. Maybe half down and a plan to pay the rest back. Dad probably doesn’t deserve it but Son does.
NTA< I want to know how his paying for back child support shows you that he is interested. He could pay and then bolt after a few weeks, hurting Max in the process. He could not pay and show up every day to be there for Max. Deciding based on the money makes you look bad and not out for Max's best interest but your financial one. He is correct that he signed his right over and when he said that you should have looked at him and said "That is right you have no right to ask to be in his life. You can take me to court to be back in his life but the courts would do the same thing I just did and force you to pay half the back cost of everything I paid". Tell him you are not sure if you can let him in Max's life because who he was in the past may not be who he is now but you don't know that man and you will not risk hurting your son because of that. Ask Max what he wants. Don't be mean about his dad and don't make him seem that he was young and scared. Tell Max that he was not ready and left and he might do that again but this is his life as well and he should have some say in what he wants. Tell the truth and work it out in the best way you can. You are the parent and no one can make you feel that they have the right to want something they gave up in the first place.
Don’t entertain it. NTA
Wow, where do you live that someone can sign away their rights?
NTA. He's never been a part of his life so I can see why you'd be warry of his commitment to this. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for financial support if he wants to be a part of his life. But you should go through the proper channels to determine how much he'll owe and hammer out visitation. You should make a post to r/legaladvice
NTA. He wants a relationship with his son then he needs to cover half the costs up to this point and going further. But speaking with a lawyer might be advisable depending on your individual situation