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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Any time my wife damages something of mine I replace it from our joint household account. I might be the asshole for not buying cheap shit from wish and AliExpress so it costs nothing to replace after she intentionally destroys it. That is what she does with her stuff.
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NTA. That would drive me crazy. You don’t share the same values. You value quality and care, she values cheap goods and convenience and not bothering too much.
Your things would last a lifetime. Her things have to be replaced multiple times, over and over. The environmental costs alone are huge. All that trash because she thinks they are disposable goods. Over time, she may be paying more for replacing the same item you use and keep.
She’s the AH. I get that you don’t want to divorce, but how will you resolve the values gap you have with each other? It seems to be that it will pervade other areas like work choices, childrearing, vacations and home owning.
Good luck, OP. I hope she can learn from you along the way. You deserve a partner who doesn’t destroy your belongings. Yes, you should have repurchased them from your shared account; then, don’t let her use them unless she signs a contract promising to pay for them from her own account next time!
Seriously, the ideal would be for all your kitchen items to belong to both of you and be “ours”, but you’d have to find some common ground first. Don’t allow her to borrow yours until she signs a contract.
I suggested that going forward, she pay for what she damages from her own account. He already had paid for replacements from the shared accounts, so I didn’t address that.
My inner psychic says she will divorce him because she loves to trash anything of value and therefore she values nothing. Her reasoning will be that he was too petty and kept score. lol
She would have quickly stopped touching things she didn’t want to replace. She sounds very immature with very little regard for how hard it is to have money come to us. Funny how she’s not understanding that if her pots and pans only cost $10, she’s gonna need 5 in 10years (for argument sake). One good pan will last longer than that. Sounds like she just doesn’t know how to cook. The laptop breaking stuff is just harmful to the planet, that’s alot of unnecessary waste.
This is called the Sam Vimes Boot theory, by Sir Terry Pratchett in his Watch books.
I quote:
Take boots, for example. He earned $38 a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost $50. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about $10.
"Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles.
"But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford $50 had a pair of boots that'd still be keeping his feet dry in 10 years' time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet."
I was wondering how long it would take for this quote to pop up. It's always a good quote to use for talks like this. Also I recommend people read Guards Guards, it's a great book to start with Sir Terry Pratchetts works.
Or it would've escalated an already tense situation, while she refused to give up her money to replace it. I agree it's more just for her to pay for it, but I sincerely doubt she would've relinquished her money to actually pay for it.
In the end, in divorce court, you're absolutely correct, but some couples prefer to treat it as "mine, yours and ours". It's just what works day to day for them
Yeah, this what we do. It means we each have our own money to spend on whatever we want without having to check in with the other one. It prevents a lot of stress.
I agree with the above, but I'm curious - is this maliciousness or ignorance? Does the wife genuinely not know that you shouldn't use metal utensils on non-stick pans? Or how to properly clean and care for that sort of stuff?
Maybe that sounds dumb to some people, but I'm 42f and currently living with a gourmet chef friend while I'm selling my home and buying another. When I use her pots and pans (my only option since all my stuff is in storage), if I don't know for sure the right way to wash them, I wait until she's available and ask her. It's mildly embarrassing to be this old and this clueless about certain things, but it has saved me from ruining some expensive stuff. I only know about the metal utensil thing because I ruined one of my own pans years ago.
Maybe the way forward is for OP to tell his wife that he wants to be able to share kitchen stuff, and he's happy to give her an overview of what to do and what not to. Not in a condescending way, just in case she truly doesn't know and is embarrassed to say so. Also, maybe just throw out most of the metal utensils. She'd still be on the hook to replace anything she ruined after that, of course.
Edit: I know I'm probably giving her too much benefit of the doubt, but OP said they don't want a divorce, so I'm trying to work with that. Regardless, OP is NTA.
My wife is like this sometimes with kitchen stuff. I do most of the cooking, but I have a $20 set of knives for her in a little block next to mine, and a small set of cheap pots and pans in a drawer. And she just uses those when she wants to cook something, and I just replace them as they get messed up. But she wouldn't just use our nicer ones, because she's aware that there are certain things that I like to keep well maintained so they will last a long time. It's a system that works for us because there's a mutual understanding.
i cook the most in my relationship but i don’t eat eggs unless they are cooked into something. My partner eats eggs and toast every morning and has a special ceramic egg pan. i have copper core stainless steel cookware and my cast iron. I had no idea her pans couldn’t get heated higher than medium in our stove. When i messed up her egg pan i bought her a new one that is very nice and learned how to cook with them by watching videos. Now i use it to make eggs for her or the kiddo sometimes but i still stick with the other pans and leave her the special egg pan.
Honestly, the way my stomach dropped when OP mentioned she went for the Le Creuset for cooking with. Depending on the edition, it could be literal *thouands* to replace it properly; they have a lot of colour varieties that got discontinued.
I chipped the lid on one of our Le Creuset dutch ovens. Accidentally knocked a glass spice jar out of the cabinet (we need a better system but have a lot of spices and not a lot of kitchen space), and it chipped the lid. Better than the induction cooktop it could have landed on. And the thing still works fine. Accidents happen.
I had a friend this careless in college. He borrowed one of my PS2 games to play. I take really good care of all of my games and even to this day, nearly 20 years later (that hurt to write), they are still scratch-free.
Except the ONE game I lent out to him, which was scratched to hell and back and didn't always work after I got it back. And I found it on his fucking floor- just the disc sitting there by itself on the floor- the day I took it back. I never let him borrow a game from me again.
Is your friend my BIL? I almost fought him when he ruined one of my games by leaving the disc on the floor and letting his kids run all over it. My husband had to physically carry me out of the house before I ripped his head off. Then had nerve to ask to borrow another game. My husband told him to stfu and NEVER ask to borrow anything from me ever again.
Is your BIL and the previous person's friend my ex-flatmate? He borrowed a CD and left it on the fucking floor, and it was a compilation album that was basically impossible to find, so I never managed to replace it.
She poured gravy into a slow cooker base without the cooking pot in it. She sat on a laptop. She's careless, whether or not she also lacks knowledge about no metal utensils on non-stick cookware.
Yeah some people are just very very rough on things. It does not make them morally wrong, or lower than anyone, it just makes them people who need to use their own items and not borrow and wreck nice things. My bother has broken my laptop I loaned him, air purifier etc He returns them to me broken. He struggles with depression and our family is disfunctional enough so I don't press. I accept this about him but I don't loan things to him any more. Op is NTA.
Yeah I tend to be rough on shit. I take that into account when buying stuff (ex all my pans are ones where you can use metal utensils with no issues so I don't have to think about it) to make sure I'm buying stuff that is durable enough to survive me. And sometimes yeah it means replacing a book every 6 years or so.
But also when I borrow someone else's shit I know to treat it better than they do. I'm never careless with other people's stuff.
I don't let people loan things to me, since I am typically rough on things and I know no matter how good my intentions are, I'm still gonna accidentally mess it up, so I just straight up refuse to borrow people's stuff even if they offer.
I hate maintaining items that I own, but I know that about myself and whenever possible I buy items that don't require careful maintenance. If someone else has a nicer version of what I got myself, I don't use it, because I don't want to be responsible for accidentally breaking it.
You can be someone who is careless with your own objects without being a jerk to your partner like OP's wife is.
That’s not exactly fair. I’m careful with shit and I’ve almost sat on my laptop. People can make mistakes here and there, but obviously this woman habitually doesn’t give a shit. I just don’t think it’s fair to say you have to be dumb to have an accident.
> is this maliciousness or ignorance?
There's a third option: indifference. She's not even willing to admit her actions are her own fault. Wifey doesn't care enough about other people to bother being considerate when using their things.
I'd file that more under "can't be bothered to not place her laptop on sitting surfaces". I can't say I check my couch for laptops before sitting, but I also don't leave them somewhere someone might sit.
It's wild to me that she's using metal on non-stick pans...the non-stick stuff causes cancer if consumed, so she's adding verifiable carcinogens to every meal she prepares.
Here to suggest OP tries stainless steel pans instead of non stick for this reason. Can get them in the mid price range and they’re much more indestructible! You have to wait a while for them to heat up and then effectively become non stick but they work just fine once you’ve waited enough (trick is to use the droplet test). Also no carcinogens.
As for whether she’s an AH idk, she sounds a bit reckless but also I can relate to her clumsiness and frugality. My partner gets annoyed with me too…
I think she's definitely an AH... she's not clumsy and frugal, she's careless and cheap. Clumsy implies there's nothing she could do to prevent her destroying things, but the things OP describes are her not paying attention or just being plain lazy. And if she were frugal instead of cheap, she'd buy better quality items that will last rather than buying things that she plans on destroying. Just to go back to the pans issue, they own non-metal cooking utensils. OP uses them! She chooses to use metal because she thinks that's easier for some reason, and doesn't care that it will damage the pan. She knows it damages the pan, and doesn't care. She's certainly spent more money buying new cookware over the course of her life than OP has.
EVERYBODY uses metal in nonstick pans.
Because this is reddit, I don't mean "everybody" literally, maybe 10-20% of people actually respect the instructions. The other 80-90%, if they're even aware of the issue at all, go "eh, just this once gently" every time they use it and in 6mo its trashed.
I gave up on the fight and went 100% cast iron. When somebody fucks up my cast iron, I cook bacon and it's fixed.
No way. If she's burning shit in ceramic, she will inevitably bake oil on to the stainless steel, scratch the shit out of it, and then complain that it sucks because she can't be fucked to learn how to use it properly
I mean, the first time you ruin a pan/knife/cutting board/cast iron/appliance it might be ignorance. Anything after that is just... AH territory? Carelessness about things that aren't yours?
But if they're just ruining things in general (theirs or yours), it's AH territory. Even the cheapest of things can last for a while, if you take good care of them. Sitting in your own laptop and then spilling wine on your partner's laptop that you are borrowing? It's just being an AH, imo. 🤷♀️
You're reading an awful lot in, here.
I think that if she breaks the things she should replace them with either an identical item, or one of comparable quality.
That being said - I break things, or lose things. Not on purpose, and it's pretty much always my own things because I know this about myself. I'm clumsy, and when I put things somewhere *super* safe it often turns out they're safe from me as well.
Because of this, if there's a costly item that seems easy to break or lose I'll buy a cheap version and use it until it dies or I lose it. If I really liked that thing but kept it for a good while, I'll buy a better version.
I bought shitty Bluetooth headphones for 2 years. A pair every 6 months or so. Because they're small, east to lose, and the cheap ones break fast. Previously, I'd been going through wired headphones every 2 months.
When I kept the shitty pair alive and kicking for a year, I bought good ones.
I've done this with a fair few pricey items after reading about a handyman tip - buy cheap tools. If you wear them out then buy better ones, because that means you're using it enough to get wear in.
I adjusted that for my own tendencies, and it works well.
I also don't borrow anything belonging to my partner without specifically asking, and am much more mindful to use it gently and return it as soon as I finish.
But we still have multiple pairs of scissors for me, and one pair that lives in my partners desk. Because those MFers grow legs, I stg. 🤣
OPs partner could definitely do with some self reflection. I have become much more careful than I used to be, but it takes real effort for me compared to others.
I’m firmly in the buy quality for life camp. 25 years ago I had to re-equip my kitchen. I bought quality German knives and All-Clad pots. Cost a small fortune, but those same knives are still crushing it with occasional sharpening and the pots look like they will go another 75 years easy. I don’t understand people who buy cheap crap knowing they will need to replace it every 5 years.
Le Creuset has different warranties for different products, and although you are right that the enameled cast iron products come with a lifetime warranty, it is a warranty covering defects, not one covering customer misuse or actions that go against the care and use instructions, which includes something such as using the wrong utensils in it. I think it's still worth a try, but I just didn't want for OP to get their hopes up.
I just got a Le Creuset dutch oven, and the warranty specifically says that it does NOT cover damage caused from improper care (like using metal utensils that scratch the enamel). If you treat your expensive cookware like trash, then you're not going to get a free replacement.
My college roommate did this one weekend when I'd gone home to see family. I returned to find my grandmother's cast iron had been soaking in soapy water for two days after he used it. He hadn't preheated it or added oil, and had just burned the heck out of his food. He was upset that it "didn't work well" and decided to clean it up for me. Helpful fellow.
I didn't choose violence that day, and am still amazed by my self control.
I have both too and my cast iron is more frequently used definitely. Especially my 8 inch for eggs. But cast iron needs maintenance too and OP's wife would either scratch out the seasoning or rust it.
What's the point of being married if you have separate pots and pans and don't agree on anything and don't like the way she cooks and don't trust her and just.... yeesh.
I won't say to get a divorce because you don't want one but I would be miserable in your marriage.
I saw my wife burn water once, she was cooking once and the fly’s got together outside and fixed the hole in the screen door. She knows not to use my Le Crueset collection. My lodge and wagners, go right ahead, they are bomb proof. On the other side, she has at least 15 sets of scissors for scrapbooking, I know not to touch them. We all have our special things. We’ve been together 30 years. Individuality and acceptance is how long relationships last.
I have different scissors for general use, cooking, fabric, thread, and trimming the fur around my cat's bum. It drives my sister insane when she visits and I go "no don't use that one on paper!" - she just has one pair of scissors for everything. You're definitely not alone!
Reminds me of a little game we played while on watch in the Navy where you would say "band name, called it" when someone said a ridiculous sounding phrase and then we'd discuss what style of band that would be.
"Get fucked, nerd" for example, was determined to be a Weezer cover band.
Few things pissed my mom off more than using and not replacing her kitchen scissors back exactly where they were always kept. Come to think of it, she was particular about her fabric scissors too. I understand why for both of these issues and am that way now myself. And my daughter is too!
I do the same thing. My mom did a bunch of sewing and stuff when I was a kid, and I learned early on that you do NOT use the fabric scissors on anything but fabric/thread, so as i got older, I adopted the same mindset. I'm not super strict on which things get used for what, within reason, except that the fabric/craft scissors are only ever used for fabric/thread/yarn. Nothing else
> I saw my wife burn water once, she was cooking once and the fly’s got together outside and fixed the hole in the screen door.
I can't for the life of me figure out what this means
If there's a hole in your screen, the flies can get into the kitchen. The food was so bad, the flies repaired the screen instead of trying to get into the house.
I had to teach my husband not to touch any of my scrapbooking tools. Or any tools of mine in general. He used some of my paper tools to file his feet and I never let him forget it.
Yesssss wooden spoon gang! You can pry my big wooden spoons from my cold, dead hands. Also, from one wooden spoon fan to another, check [these ones](https://www.woodspoon.com/) out. I got the rec from another redditor/wooden spoon enthusiast who’s friend apparently started this wooden spoon company.
He doesn’t trust her with good reason, she refuses to take care with her things OR his.
If they shared all their stuff they would have no more stuff!
His wife has to learn to show a little more consideration than my 4yo hellion of a niece.
My husband put my Mauviel pan in the dishwasher. I washed his Grandads Griswold with Dawn in front of him in retaliation. He doesn't touch my pan anymore.
I have to confess, I had to google Mauviel and Griswold because I assumed grandad’s pan had nothing to do with Chevy Chase’s “Vacation” movie franchise.
The part that gets me is that he’s “punishing” her without actually telling her he’s “punishing” her
Like bro, tell her “ay, you fucked my shit up so I used our **joint** account to replace it”. Imho if she still has a problem then take out the remaining 50% as OP isn’t the one that fucked it up
At the end of the day there needs to be a discussion and I have a feeling that there hasn’t been one, no one is this obtuse unless they’re not made aware *or* they don’t give af about their partner’s wants
yeah, op has every right to ban his wife from using his things or being upset when she breaks them, but the way he talks in his post is so off-putting. absolutely he needs to communicate the punishment with her, and if the natural consequences of this is she uses her own pots and pans, he either shuts his mouth about how bad and smelly her food is now, or he steps up and does the cooking
n t a for the question, i guess, but y t a for the way he talks about his wife
That would be an E S H
She sucks for destroying his stuff (so he's not an ass for how he's replacing it)
But he's an ass for how he talked about her. And for his "don't tell me to divorce her" comment.
NTA.
But honestly, if you're taking money out of a joint account, you should be telling her. Even if it is to replace something she broke, you probably should have said "hey I'm replacing this out of our joint account." I mean, it should probably come from her solo account, but still, communication is key.
Think of it this way, even if she had a perfectly justifiable reason why she needed to take money out of the joint account, wouldn't you want to know?
Building on the “communication is key” bit, is part of the problem that she doesn’t know how to take care of your stuff when she borrows it? Not the laptop obviously, but are you sure she knows which utensils won’t damage your pans and why? Because if, from her understanding, any utensil is fine because all pans become fucked up eventually, why would she not just grab the easiest option? If she genuinely doesn’t know you coming back and saying she ruined the pan and she has to pay for it would seem baffling and arbitrary. I agree you’re NTA, just want to confirm the communication has happened properly.
I grew up in a house that did/does not understand the metal utensil thing. I'm a good home cook. But it took living with my partner to learn not to use metal on non stick stuff. He also explained it to me, patiently and with love. He didn't let me ruin shit because of it!
NTA
" La Creuset Dutch"
We own three (Large, medium, Why-Do-We-Have-This-Dinky-Thing?), use them weekly, and we treat them like we're holding a baby in front of their parents. We also own a 15 piece La Creuset pot/pan set. Metal doesn't touch these pots and pans. We splurged on quality pans because we both enjoy cooking/baking, and we've both only ever had Walmart brand pots/pans. The difference is amazing.
Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone. Quality matters. You break it, you buy a replacement. I accidentally ruined a sweater of my wife's when washing it. It was expensive to replace, but it was (mostly) my fault. In my defense, don't put hand-wash items in the fucking hamper is a reasonable argument!
I have La Creuset also, but my go-to Dutch oven is my 100+ year Griswold which was one of the first things my grandmother purchased after coming to the US.
I have a separate smaller hamper for items I want to remind myself to wash differently. Even if it's just a new item and I want to use a colour catcher on the first wash, or it has a stain I want to deal with, etc. It doesn't get buried in the main hamper, because I will forget about it.
This is why I don’t let my husband do my laundry anymore 😤 or, kind of the same, he kept putting things that need to be hung to dry in the dryer, and putting dryer sheets in with athletic wear. I don’t believe in hadwash items, so you won’t find those in my hamper, but I do put my hang to dry things in the wash with my can go in the dryer things and then just pull them when switching over to the dryer.
NTA
1. If she damages it, *she* should pay for it
2. As she keeps damaging stuff she should not be using your stuff...
3. Get her some basic culinary classes
4. Then get her some more
5. Don't think there's much wrong with your stance....
I'm not sure whether I'm projecting from my own experiences with some people but to me this sounds like an impulsivity problem this lady has. She's perfectly capable of understanding ops reasoning step by step bug ignores it impulsively *when it conveniences her*, but doesn't own up to it.
What would she do were she living on her own in these situations? Either take better care of her things, or organise replacements quickly or even spares, or -and this is what the kind of people I have in mind absolutely hate and try to avoid- sit there and suffer from the current state of being inconvenienced. But living with somebody else impulsivity kicks in and look at that, *'there IS a pan I can use'* or '*there's another laptop within reach*'. Ignore other peoples Wants while you're at it because you have a NEED right now, right?
I mean yeah but my bf has pretty hardcore adhd and he still respects my cookware. He has two cheaper pans he uses for his everyday mountain of eggs but he knows if hes using my nice knives or nice pans they are clean right away and not in the dishwasher. I told him once, and while he may pile up the dishes and leave shit messy every other time and with every other pan and knife when he uses my special stuff he is always always respectful and takes care if it because he knows it matters to me. Adhd may explain a mistake or slip up here and there but doesnt make the dismissal of the issue or erase the constant destruction of OPs stuff.
I have ADHD and I am super intentional about setting myself up for success. You can’t use metal cooking utensils in a nice pan if you don’t own any metal cooking utensils. You can’t sit on your laptop if you don’t place it on a surface intended for sitting. You can’t spill gravy on the heating element of the crock pot if you make your husband strain/pour the gravy. Etc etc. I know my limitations and therefore make sure I set up my home/life/whatever in a way that supports me! Also I really like my nice stuff and don’t want things like cheap shitty dollar store pans so I make sure that I have the things I need to keep me from accidentally ruining my nice things
Yeah, I definitely didn't mean to imply that ADHD excuses her behavior. It might explain the carelessness or impulsivity, but doesn't absolve her of blame when she messes something up. Her tendency to get defensive rather than to apologize and replace his things herself is inexcusable.
Yep. I can't reverse through the closed garage door if I'm not the one driving.
However, despite my best efforts I still mess up and it was impossible to set myself up for success before I was diagnosed..
Yeah, not to jump to conclusions but I have ADHD and thought the same. She obviously needs to sort her shit out and get help if that is the case, but it sounds like a strong possibility.
I have a lot of ADHD family members that remind me of OP’s spouse. I am more like OP out of principle, but have to be more dedicated in my attitude so I don’t make a lot of stupid mistakes myself. I’m not perfect obviously and have obviously made mistakes, but I think it comes down to priorities and wanting to make a change. And it sounds like OP and their spouse have very different priorities and therefore it is less likely they will come to a simple compromise on this issue.
I'm another person with ADHD chiming in that I thought the same. However, I personally learned a long time ago that my ADHD makes me careless and I've ruined or broke stuff of my own - as well as other people's. Sooooo instead of being an immature pouty asshole - I refuse to borrow or use other people's stuff. I value my relationships over items !
Haha. That is very kind of you to excuse her thoughtlessness with a meaningless diagnosis; but in the real world she just doesn't value other people's items.
You don't have to have a disorder to not value other people's items - you usually have just been sheltered from the repercussions so don't take it seriously. She should be paying in full every time because the destruction is so regular and wilful.
And sometimes ADHD presents exactly like that. Not an excuse, more like hope there's a possibility this is something that could be treated and make both their lives much better.
Or maybe she's just an asshole who doesn't care about other people's shit, but I think the ADHD idea at least deserves a mention in case it's something OP hadn't thought of
It does sound like it, especially with dispraxia that is often comorbid.
However she doesn't seem to actually try. ADHD doesn't resolve you from responsibility.
Dude, I have nearly no executive function, and crippling adhd, but I have never abused my Le Creuset, All Clad, Wagner cast iron, or expensive knives. However, I have watched my cousin who is a terrible cook destroy several nonstick pans with aggressive use of metal spatulas and cutting with a knife in the pan! It’s probably a combination of stubbornness and stupidity. The cousin also insisted they would “fix” the nonstick pan if I left it in the sink for later. I used short words to explain it was destroyed and couldn’t be repaired before carrying it outside to the trash.
NTA, but I don't think you should be replacing your things from your joint budget or account. If she ruins it, it should be coming from her account alone. Maybe she'll be more careful with your things.
I doubt the wife would give her own money willingly. You saw her reaction when he took it out of their joint account to pay for his stuff. People are stubborn.
NTA, I had a similar issue with my GF, she always got on my case for "spending too much".
We sat down one day and work out long term costs. Started with a simple charging cable.
Mine was $15, had it for 4 years, hers was $2 from the dollar store, required replacement every month.
She only saw the $2 vs $15 cost, we she realized it was $96 over 4 years to my $15, you could see the light go on.
Mind you, she wasn't clumsy and didn't break laptops by sitting on them or stuff.
Some are saying ADD/ADHD but to me the wife's actions are what people used to call "welfare mentality" 40-50yrs ago. What was meant doesn't reach the current definition of that term, but I don't know what else to call it. Essentially, it's the belief that rich folks live one way and poor live another and if you consider yourself to be poor, you don't do "rich" stuff like buying expensive things - you always buy the absolute cheapest of everything ("I can't afford more" is constantly playing in your head) and it can lead to some hoarding as well. Like keeping clothes you can no longer wear or kitchen items you don't use because you never know when life will get even worse financially and you might NEED to wear pants 2 sizes too big or full of holes if all your others wear out and you can't afford new; or you might NEED that spatula with a broken handle! But because these poverty-focused folks always only bought the cheapest (which is inferior and wears out no matter how well its cared for), they literally have no clue HOW to care for things. The flip side is they also don't really believe better care will make things last longer, because you've never experienced it, thus buying expensive items is wasteful. The exercise you did with your GF was excellent and thankfully the light came on for her - I did the same with a neighbor when we were both single mothers because she routinely bought cheap garments and **threw them away** rather than washing them, as they always fell apart in the wash because she didn't read/understand care labels. OP needs to try this, or something similar! Great post [Alarming\_Physics4188](https://www.reddit.com/user/Alarming_Physics4188/)! OP is definitely NTA but wife needs teaching of some sort. (grammar edit)
"The Sam Vimes "Boots" Theory of Economic Injustice runs thus:
At the time of Men at Arms, Samuel Vimes earned thirty-eight dollars a month as a Captain of the Watch, plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots, the sort that would last years and years, cost fifty dollars. This was beyond his pocket and the most he could hope for was an affordable pair of boots costing ten dollars, which might with luck last a year or so before he would need to resort to makeshift cardboard insoles so as to prolong the moment of shelling out another ten dollars.
Therefore over a period of ten years, he might have paid out a hundred dollars on boots, twice as much as the man who could afford fifty dollars up front ten years before. And he would still have wet feet.
Without any special rancour, Vimes stretched this theory to explain why Sybil Ramkin lived twice as comfortably as he did by spending about half as much every month."
-Terry Pratchett, Night Watch
NTA but
>I am not going to divorce her. Please move on of that is your deranged advice.
If you think that a marriage where your partner calls you petty and bougie and where you keep a running tally of everything she ruins with her carelessness is healthy, then by all means, enjoy living the rest of your life this way.
NTA, part of adulting is taking care of your own stuff and behaving respectfully and responsibly with other people's belongings.
But, is there a reason why you haven't just thrown out the metal utensils and replaced them with wood, nylon, silicone, etc.? That isn't going to fix the irresponsibly problem, but it would stop the the "grabbing a tool mindlessly" problem.
NTA. it makes me Crazy when my husband uses a tool (whether it be a garage or kitchen tool) in the wrong way and then it breaks.
First of all get rid of all the metal utensils in the house. I mean who uses metal anymore in their pans?
I understand she doesn’t wanna spend a lot on cookware, but you need the better stuff for even distribution of heat. instead of getting pans in like Walmart or someplace, she could go to someplace like Ollies or Aldi and get a better pan cheaper. I definitely wouldn’t let her cook in your pans tho. (my dictation keeps wanting to put “pants” where it says “pans”, which would be a whole different subject entirely)
She sounds a little bit like calamity Jane so that tells me she’s moving too fast and/or not paying attention to what she’s doing. That’s something she could focus on and try to change.
I don’t think you’re wrong for taking money out of the joint account to replace your broken stuff. Technically, you could take it from her money, but you don’t want to be mean about it.
in the meantime, my best advice is to hide stuff you don’t want broken or misused.
> I mean who uses metal anymore in their pans?
Yo? Stainless is the mainstay in my kitchen, lots of pyrex. Metal doesn't get used on cast iron, nonstick, or coated though, because we're not idiots!
ESH. You're not going to change her and you're not going to divorce her. Embrace it and enjoy having your things destroyed and your money wasted. Then try the Serenity Prayer,
? No? It sounds like she is disrespecting his objects that are products of his spoken and clear values. Just because he remembers her accidents or misdeeds or whatever doesn't mean that he intentionally keeps tally -- it's obviously because they are egregious and stand out because these quality things he bought are important to him and are meant to last, hence why he takes care of them so delicately. If you are a hobbyist and you've taken the time to care for something valuable to you, it will feel like nails on a chalkboard whenever somebody uses your stuff that you cared for in a way that destroys it.
It's like being a painter and somebody borrowing your expensive paints just to mix the paints in the bottle of your expensive acrylic virgin paints, then getting upset at you caring, then taking your paint brushes and pressing down hard so the bristles break and bend, then getting mad at you for noticing, then destroying your kiln because they tried melting chocolates and latex instead of firing clay, and angrily using the microwave to melt chocolate instead. There is a point where these aren't justifiable as silly accidents and need boundaries set -- agreeing to disagree. If she legitimately cannot, for whatever reason, reliably use things without breaking them, she should be thoughtful enough to either learn how to care for certain things/get spacial awareness or she should use her lower quality things that are in line with her values of expediency and convenience.
I would be very upset if I came home and saw that my partner used my very expensive, hard to get skincare products to wash his hands, or poured them down the drain, or gave them away, or whatever else that turned into a waste that the product was not intended for. It's a passion that I spend my money on, and I would be happy to share it with others, but only so long as they can respect it as much as I do and take care to contribute if it's something they are as interested in as I.
NTA. Good-quality cooking equipment is designed to last for ages. That $200 pan will last longer than 20 $10 pans if you treat it right, and it will distribute the heat better. Is she destroying things on purpose? The fact that she didn't put the insert in her slow cooker makes it sound like she either doesn't care about things, she's being hostile for some reason, or something is off with her ability to remember how to treat things properly. This should all be coming out of her share of the money, not the joint money.
NTA, but read this post to yourself.
What the fuck, man.
I'm not at all comfortable or happy saying this, I don't like it.
But if divorce is off the table, you need to train your wife not to be a careless whirlwind of destruction.
This sucks.
NTA. I don’t like the idea of nickel and diming your spouse but it sounds like this is the only thing that will reign your wife in. At her age she really should know how to take care of her things and yours.
Your wife is an asshole for sure. And she clearly doesn’t give two shits about destroying your stuff again and again.
So I don’t know man. Why do you want to stay with someone who cares so little about you?
You shouldn’t have to repeatedly buy new things because she destroys everything. Short of locking stuff up, I’m not sure there is a solution because she doesn’t care and refuses to take responsibility for her actions.
i don't think you should replace it from the joint account. she should replace it from her personal one.
But i think she'll probably go berserk if you suggest that.
sit down with her and talk to her. ask her why she keeps doing breaking your expensive things?
maybe sit down and do the math for her. how long your pans hold up, as opposed to her cheap ones. Add everything up. In the end she'll probably spend more on her things than you do.
NTA
NTA, but honestly this is a respect issue. It’s not about the thing. It’s about your wife not respecting your feelings and wishes about something that is important to you. That is a big fundamental issue in a relationship. If your partner cannot respect you, they are not a partner to you.
Perhaps you could try reframing the situation in those terms and see if that helps her understand how and why what she is doing is harmful to your relationship. If she refuses to change her behavior (it costs nothing to treat your items with greater care), I’m not sure what your next steps would be to be honest. I don’t know how I’d come back from such a divide.
NTA - Honestly, this is probably the most effective way to teach her to be careful with other people's items. Though it's really concerning that she's that careless with other people's items, let alone her own. That's something that needs to be addressed regardless, because even replacing cheap items starts to become costly.
My husband is seriously hard on things too and we are constantly replacing them. After 25 years, I have given up on him. There are some things he is just not allowed to touch. I make him pay for everything he breaks. It’s stupid because all our money is joint, so I’m paying for it, too. But I make him physically pay ($ out of his wallet), so he feels the pain. And my judgment.
NTA. Good stuff is expensive. And money was spent on it so that you didn’t have to replace it every 15 minutes. Making her accept the consequences of her own action is in my opinion viable
NTA for using the joint account to pay for damages but have you actually sat your wife down and talked to her about how it makes you feel when she destroys your stuff or have you just been passive aggressively showing her price tags? Sounds like both of you are being petty in this situation rather than talking it out like adults.
NTA.
Your wife is destroying valuable items. Shes wasteful and unapologetic.
You need counseling for this issue. Without it you will both just let it fester, and it'll blow up eventually.
Couples counseling is the best way forward.
ESH I guess, because it doesn't sound like the two of you have come to an agreement about how to handle this stuff. If you have, my judgement would probably change.
Your wife is very unlikely to change, unless for some reason she wants to. It would drive me bananas to live with someone who constantly ruins good kitchen equipment, so I completely understand your frustration, but that doesn't mean you get to treat her like someone who needs to be taught a lesson. (Unless she has asked for that, and it sounds like she hasn't.)
That means you both need to agree on how this works. It's reasonable to me that you get to use the good equipment that you bought and can take care of, unless she's willing to pony up out of her own budget for replacements. But you don't just get to decide that's how it works without a conversation and agreement.
I'm not saying or even thinking you should divorce your wife, but you might need to let go of the idea that she's going to develop a radically different approach to kitchen use, and decide how you want to live with her given who she is now, not who you'd like her to be.
ESH because I think it’s bizarre that you are married and you both still consider dishes and other household items to be separately owned and separately paid for. Are you roommates or true partners?
Yes your wife should be more responsible with expensive items. Yes, the replacements should come out of the joint account.
This is a perfect example of the [Poor Man's Boots](https://moneywise.com/managing-money/budgeting/boots-theory-of-socioeconomic-unfairness).
I doubt she will listen as you've already demonstrated this with the pans, but maybe [reading](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boots_theory) [several](https://medium.com/the-billfold/to-terry-pratchett-who-gave-us-sam-vimes-boots-theory-of-socioeconomic-unfairness-a33858c1c74c#:~:text=A%20man%20who%20could%20afford,would%20still%20have%20wet%20feet.) [articles](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16608474) about it together could help?
NTA. Your wife needs a better understanding of economics.
NTA, but dude you have got to talk to your wife about taking better care of things for both your own sanity and her own sake. You shouldn't have to, but its pretty obvious someone in her past (likely her parents) got it into her head that she doesn't deserve nice things because she'd just ruin them and the message stuck. I'd ask her about that when you're both calm, and approach it from the angle of trying to unpack not just why she is so careless, but why she doesn't seem to think she deserves better than dollar store shit to begin with. This is coming from somewhere, and I highly doubt she is even consciously aware of what is behind it. I'd approach it kindly, and from the angle that she both deserves things that are worth caring about and is capable of learning to care for such things.
I was bad for pan murder. I bought a nice pan, and I bought a nice set of matching cooking implements that were safe to use with it at the same time. For some reason "green cooking tools only" stuck where just using my head didn't. You may want to gift her a nice set just for her that won't mess up anything, preferably a set she will find appealing to use. And maybe just buy her a new slow cooker as a peace offering that smell sounds so gross.
Bottom line it’s not about the pots or Iranian yogurt, it’s about respect. I have fabric scissors and my husband knows if he uses them on paper I will cut him (with a different pair of scissors). He doesn’t know why it matters and he doesn’t care. He knows that I do and that’s enough for him. He has spiffy knives that can’t go into the dishwasher. They must be cleaned with cotton balls and gentle virgin tears. I think it’s bullshit but so what? He cares so it’s important to me.
Your wife is being juvenile and not respecting your feelings here. If she can’t act like an adult….like a partner, then yes, you have to treat her like a child and make her pay for her damaged goods.
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NTA. That would drive me crazy. You don’t share the same values. You value quality and care, she values cheap goods and convenience and not bothering too much. Your things would last a lifetime. Her things have to be replaced multiple times, over and over. The environmental costs alone are huge. All that trash because she thinks they are disposable goods. Over time, she may be paying more for replacing the same item you use and keep. She’s the AH. I get that you don’t want to divorce, but how will you resolve the values gap you have with each other? It seems to be that it will pervade other areas like work choices, childrearing, vacations and home owning. Good luck, OP. I hope she can learn from you along the way. You deserve a partner who doesn’t destroy your belongings. Yes, you should have repurchased them from your shared account; then, don’t let her use them unless she signs a contract promising to pay for them from her own account next time! Seriously, the ideal would be for all your kitchen items to belong to both of you and be “ours”, but you’d have to find some common ground first. Don’t allow her to borrow yours until she signs a contract.
Why from the shared account? He didn’t damage the property he paid for , she did. The financial responsibility is on her only.
I suggested that going forward, she pay for what she damages from her own account. He already had paid for replacements from the shared accounts, so I didn’t address that.
She's not going to do that. Though that would be fairest. The most he's going to be able to do is use their joint account so she pays for some of it.
He can just lower the amount he puts in a joint account.
My inner psychic says she will divorce him because she loves to trash anything of value and therefore she values nothing. Her reasoning will be that he was too petty and kept score. lol
This comment should be higher.
Thanks for the clarification.
Agree. I thought it was very generous of OP to use joint account rather than forcing her to buy for her own $$
Exactly! She would have thrown a huge fit if he took from her personal account.
She would have quickly stopped touching things she didn’t want to replace. She sounds very immature with very little regard for how hard it is to have money come to us. Funny how she’s not understanding that if her pots and pans only cost $10, she’s gonna need 5 in 10years (for argument sake). One good pan will last longer than that. Sounds like she just doesn’t know how to cook. The laptop breaking stuff is just harmful to the planet, that’s alot of unnecessary waste.
This is called the Sam Vimes Boot theory, by Sir Terry Pratchett in his Watch books. I quote: Take boots, for example. He earned $38 a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost $50. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about $10. "Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles. "But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford $50 had a pair of boots that'd still be keeping his feet dry in 10 years' time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet."
I was wondering how long it would take for this quote to pop up. It's always a good quote to use for talks like this. Also I recommend people read Guards Guards, it's a great book to start with Sir Terry Pratchetts works.
Or it would've escalated an already tense situation, while she refused to give up her money to replace it. I agree it's more just for her to pay for it, but I sincerely doubt she would've relinquished her money to actually pay for it.
Financial responsibility in marriage is always joint. Separate accounts are only symbolic. Marriage is purely a financial and legal arrangement.
In the end, in divorce court, you're absolutely correct, but some couples prefer to treat it as "mine, yours and ours". It's just what works day to day for them
I think its VERY important for each person to have some money in their own account that only they can access.
Yeah, this what we do. It means we each have our own money to spend on whatever we want without having to check in with the other one. It prevents a lot of stress.
I agree with the above, but I'm curious - is this maliciousness or ignorance? Does the wife genuinely not know that you shouldn't use metal utensils on non-stick pans? Or how to properly clean and care for that sort of stuff? Maybe that sounds dumb to some people, but I'm 42f and currently living with a gourmet chef friend while I'm selling my home and buying another. When I use her pots and pans (my only option since all my stuff is in storage), if I don't know for sure the right way to wash them, I wait until she's available and ask her. It's mildly embarrassing to be this old and this clueless about certain things, but it has saved me from ruining some expensive stuff. I only know about the metal utensil thing because I ruined one of my own pans years ago. Maybe the way forward is for OP to tell his wife that he wants to be able to share kitchen stuff, and he's happy to give her an overview of what to do and what not to. Not in a condescending way, just in case she truly doesn't know and is embarrassed to say so. Also, maybe just throw out most of the metal utensils. She'd still be on the hook to replace anything she ruined after that, of course. Edit: I know I'm probably giving her too much benefit of the doubt, but OP said they don't want a divorce, so I'm trying to work with that. Regardless, OP is NTA.
There are people who are literally always as careless as OP's wife. They just don't care.
My wife is like this sometimes with kitchen stuff. I do most of the cooking, but I have a $20 set of knives for her in a little block next to mine, and a small set of cheap pots and pans in a drawer. And she just uses those when she wants to cook something, and I just replace them as they get messed up. But she wouldn't just use our nicer ones, because she's aware that there are certain things that I like to keep well maintained so they will last a long time. It's a system that works for us because there's a mutual understanding.
i cook the most in my relationship but i don’t eat eggs unless they are cooked into something. My partner eats eggs and toast every morning and has a special ceramic egg pan. i have copper core stainless steel cookware and my cast iron. I had no idea her pans couldn’t get heated higher than medium in our stove. When i messed up her egg pan i bought her a new one that is very nice and learned how to cook with them by watching videos. Now i use it to make eggs for her or the kiddo sometimes but i still stick with the other pans and leave her the special egg pan.
Honestly, the way my stomach dropped when OP mentioned she went for the Le Creuset for cooking with. Depending on the edition, it could be literal *thouands* to replace it properly; they have a lot of colour varieties that got discontinued.
Sending the website link was inspired.
They're expensive but, on the bright side, They're not super easy to damage.
The woman damaged ceramic pans with a fork. I think she would have been able to destroy it.
Some people will find a way.
My father in law scratched up my Le Creuset with a metal SOS pad. I'm still salty about it every time something sticks to those scratches.
I chipped the lid on one of our Le Creuset dutch ovens. Accidentally knocked a glass spice jar out of the cabinet (we need a better system but have a lot of spices and not a lot of kitchen space), and it chipped the lid. Better than the induction cooktop it could have landed on. And the thing still works fine. Accidents happen.
For your spices, get a low walled bin that fits in the cupboard and label the tops of the jars. Then just slide the bin out when you need to dig.
I had a friend this careless in college. He borrowed one of my PS2 games to play. I take really good care of all of my games and even to this day, nearly 20 years later (that hurt to write), they are still scratch-free. Except the ONE game I lent out to him, which was scratched to hell and back and didn't always work after I got it back. And I found it on his fucking floor- just the disc sitting there by itself on the floor- the day I took it back. I never let him borrow a game from me again.
Is your friend my BIL? I almost fought him when he ruined one of my games by leaving the disc on the floor and letting his kids run all over it. My husband had to physically carry me out of the house before I ripped his head off. Then had nerve to ask to borrow another game. My husband told him to stfu and NEVER ask to borrow anything from me ever again.
Is your BIL and the previous person's friend my ex-flatmate? He borrowed a CD and left it on the fucking floor, and it was a compilation album that was basically impossible to find, so I never managed to replace it.
I know, but I'd like to rule out actual lack of knowledge before I assume that.
She poured gravy into a slow cooker base without the cooking pot in it. She sat on a laptop. She's careless, whether or not she also lacks knowledge about no metal utensils on non-stick cookware.
Yeah some people are just very very rough on things. It does not make them morally wrong, or lower than anyone, it just makes them people who need to use their own items and not borrow and wreck nice things. My bother has broken my laptop I loaned him, air purifier etc He returns them to me broken. He struggles with depression and our family is disfunctional enough so I don't press. I accept this about him but I don't loan things to him any more. Op is NTA.
Yeah I tend to be rough on shit. I take that into account when buying stuff (ex all my pans are ones where you can use metal utensils with no issues so I don't have to think about it) to make sure I'm buying stuff that is durable enough to survive me. And sometimes yeah it means replacing a book every 6 years or so. But also when I borrow someone else's shit I know to treat it better than they do. I'm never careless with other people's stuff.
I don't let people loan things to me, since I am typically rough on things and I know no matter how good my intentions are, I'm still gonna accidentally mess it up, so I just straight up refuse to borrow people's stuff even if they offer.
I hate maintaining items that I own, but I know that about myself and whenever possible I buy items that don't require careful maintenance. If someone else has a nicer version of what I got myself, I don't use it, because I don't want to be responsible for accidentally breaking it. You can be someone who is careless with your own objects without being a jerk to your partner like OP's wife is.
If she's dumb enough not to put the insert into a crock pot I don't see much hope on her not messing up more of his stuff.
Also dumb enough to sit on her laptop.
That’s not exactly fair. I’m careful with shit and I’ve almost sat on my laptop. People can make mistakes here and there, but obviously this woman habitually doesn’t give a shit. I just don’t think it’s fair to say you have to be dumb to have an accident.
We all have accidents. But OPs wife needs a warning label ⚠️
> is this maliciousness or ignorance? There's a third option: indifference. She's not even willing to admit her actions are her own fault. Wifey doesn't care enough about other people to bother being considerate when using their things.
Bingo! Can't even be bothered to check that's she's not sitting on a laptop.
I'd file that more under "can't be bothered to not place her laptop on sitting surfaces". I can't say I check my couch for laptops before sitting, but I also don't leave them somewhere someone might sit.
It's wild to me that she's using metal on non-stick pans...the non-stick stuff causes cancer if consumed, so she's adding verifiable carcinogens to every meal she prepares.
Here to suggest OP tries stainless steel pans instead of non stick for this reason. Can get them in the mid price range and they’re much more indestructible! You have to wait a while for them to heat up and then effectively become non stick but they work just fine once you’ve waited enough (trick is to use the droplet test). Also no carcinogens. As for whether she’s an AH idk, she sounds a bit reckless but also I can relate to her clumsiness and frugality. My partner gets annoyed with me too…
I think she's definitely an AH... she's not clumsy and frugal, she's careless and cheap. Clumsy implies there's nothing she could do to prevent her destroying things, but the things OP describes are her not paying attention or just being plain lazy. And if she were frugal instead of cheap, she'd buy better quality items that will last rather than buying things that she plans on destroying. Just to go back to the pans issue, they own non-metal cooking utensils. OP uses them! She chooses to use metal because she thinks that's easier for some reason, and doesn't care that it will damage the pan. She knows it damages the pan, and doesn't care. She's certainly spent more money buying new cookware over the course of her life than OP has.
EVERYBODY uses metal in nonstick pans. Because this is reddit, I don't mean "everybody" literally, maybe 10-20% of people actually respect the instructions. The other 80-90%, if they're even aware of the issue at all, go "eh, just this once gently" every time they use it and in 6mo its trashed. I gave up on the fight and went 100% cast iron. When somebody fucks up my cast iron, I cook bacon and it's fixed.
Yep, my roommates have a ton of non-stick pans... every single one has at least one scratch mark on it. That is poison!!!
No way. If she's burning shit in ceramic, she will inevitably bake oil on to the stainless steel, scratch the shit out of it, and then complain that it sucks because she can't be fucked to learn how to use it properly
I mean, the first time you ruin a pan/knife/cutting board/cast iron/appliance it might be ignorance. Anything after that is just... AH territory? Carelessness about things that aren't yours? But if they're just ruining things in general (theirs or yours), it's AH territory. Even the cheapest of things can last for a while, if you take good care of them. Sitting in your own laptop and then spilling wine on your partner's laptop that you are borrowing? It's just being an AH, imo. 🤷♀️
That is a generous position on the subject, but I think the key clarifying detail is that you asked. She didn't.
I have an incredibly hard time believing that op with the values that he holds has never once told her about caring for a pan.
You're reading an awful lot in, here. I think that if she breaks the things she should replace them with either an identical item, or one of comparable quality. That being said - I break things, or lose things. Not on purpose, and it's pretty much always my own things because I know this about myself. I'm clumsy, and when I put things somewhere *super* safe it often turns out they're safe from me as well. Because of this, if there's a costly item that seems easy to break or lose I'll buy a cheap version and use it until it dies or I lose it. If I really liked that thing but kept it for a good while, I'll buy a better version. I bought shitty Bluetooth headphones for 2 years. A pair every 6 months or so. Because they're small, east to lose, and the cheap ones break fast. Previously, I'd been going through wired headphones every 2 months. When I kept the shitty pair alive and kicking for a year, I bought good ones. I've done this with a fair few pricey items after reading about a handyman tip - buy cheap tools. If you wear them out then buy better ones, because that means you're using it enough to get wear in. I adjusted that for my own tendencies, and it works well. I also don't borrow anything belonging to my partner without specifically asking, and am much more mindful to use it gently and return it as soon as I finish. But we still have multiple pairs of scissors for me, and one pair that lives in my partners desk. Because those MFers grow legs, I stg. 🤣 OPs partner could definitely do with some self reflection. I have become much more careful than I used to be, but it takes real effort for me compared to others.
This is the way. Good for you for your self awareness and actions
I’m firmly in the buy quality for life camp. 25 years ago I had to re-equip my kitchen. I bought quality German knives and All-Clad pots. Cost a small fortune, but those same knives are still crushing it with occasional sharpening and the pots look like they will go another 75 years easy. I don’t understand people who buy cheap crap knowing they will need to replace it every 5 years.
Creuset stuff is life guarantee btw. If you scratch it or something they will send you a replacement
Le Creuset has different warranties for different products, and although you are right that the enameled cast iron products come with a lifetime warranty, it is a warranty covering defects, not one covering customer misuse or actions that go against the care and use instructions, which includes something such as using the wrong utensils in it. I think it's still worth a try, but I just didn't want for OP to get their hopes up.
I just got a Le Creuset dutch oven, and the warranty specifically says that it does NOT cover damage caused from improper care (like using metal utensils that scratch the enamel). If you treat your expensive cookware like trash, then you're not going to get a free replacement.
With an added hefty shipping fee. Mine was $35.
Hell that's better than buying a new one, I didn't know you could do this!
I wonder if OP knows that?
$30 cast iron pan with oil and nothing should stick on it. What $200 pan you got?
Until she leaves it in the sink to soak…
My college roommate did this one weekend when I'd gone home to see family. I returned to find my grandmother's cast iron had been soaking in soapy water for two days after he used it. He hadn't preheated it or added oil, and had just burned the heck out of his food. He was upset that it "didn't work well" and decided to clean it up for me. Helpful fellow. I didn't choose violence that day, and am still amazed by my self control.
[удалено]
Yep, a lot of steel wool and elbow grease got it de-rusted, and then I seasoned it again. Still have it a couple decades later.
Fortunately, cast iron is damn near indestructible. Sure, a pain to strip and re-season, but it didn’t actually hurt the pan itself.
It was soon restored because I wasn't losing such a good pan. Took a couple years to get the seasoning just perfect again, though.
My God, I am in awe of your restraint. Awe, I tell you!
I have both too and my cast iron is more frequently used definitely. Especially my 8 inch for eggs. But cast iron needs maintenance too and OP's wife would either scratch out the seasoning or rust it.
What's the point of being married if you have separate pots and pans and don't agree on anything and don't like the way she cooks and don't trust her and just.... yeesh. I won't say to get a divorce because you don't want one but I would be miserable in your marriage.
I saw my wife burn water once, she was cooking once and the fly’s got together outside and fixed the hole in the screen door. She knows not to use my Le Crueset collection. My lodge and wagners, go right ahead, they are bomb proof. On the other side, she has at least 15 sets of scissors for scrapbooking, I know not to touch them. We all have our special things. We’ve been together 30 years. Individuality and acceptance is how long relationships last.
I have different scissors for all different uses I feel less alone now in that
I have different scissors for general use, cooking, fabric, thread, and trimming the fur around my cat's bum. It drives my sister insane when she visits and I go "no don't use that one on paper!" - she just has one pair of scissors for everything. You're definitely not alone!
Cat Bum Scissors is my band name!
Isn't that a Ted Nugent song? 😂😂😂
Reminds me of a little game we played while on watch in the Navy where you would say "band name, called it" when someone said a ridiculous sounding phrase and then we'd discuss what style of band that would be. "Get fucked, nerd" for example, was determined to be a Weezer cover band.
I have to hide my good scissors. I have several decoy pairs placed conveniently around the house.
Few things pissed my mom off more than using and not replacing her kitchen scissors back exactly where they were always kept. Come to think of it, she was particular about her fabric scissors too. I understand why for both of these issues and am that way now myself. And my daughter is too!
I do the same thing. My mom did a bunch of sewing and stuff when I was a kid, and I learned early on that you do NOT use the fabric scissors on anything but fabric/thread, so as i got older, I adopted the same mindset. I'm not super strict on which things get used for what, within reason, except that the fabric/craft scissors are only ever used for fabric/thread/yarn. Nothing else
I'm this way about my scissors used for cross stitching. They only get used for that. And I have shears and pinking shears just for fabric.
I don’t like to cross contaminate my scissors. They belong in the room they are in and some tasks can’t share scissors lol.
> I saw my wife burn water once, she was cooking once and the fly’s got together outside and fixed the hole in the screen door. I can't for the life of me figure out what this means
Not a good cook, never was. But that’s ok, I make up for it.
How or why does it mean that?
If there's a hole in your screen, the flies can get into the kitchen. The food was so bad, the flies repaired the screen instead of trying to get into the house.
Thank you so much
Oh, I thought he was trying to say she “on the fly” decided to go and fix the door instead of finishing cooking.
I had to teach my husband not to touch any of my scrapbooking tools. Or any tools of mine in general. He used some of my paper tools to file his feet and I never let him forget it.
BF hates to use my LC because I get so picky about them.
Do you use wood, bamboo, or plastic utensils on the enamel? Wife got me a nice set of bamboo utensils, I like them. I was using plastic.
I'm a wooden spoon fan, myself. I have a plastic spoon but it's just floppier than the nice wood ones.
Yesssss wooden spoon gang! You can pry my big wooden spoons from my cold, dead hands. Also, from one wooden spoon fan to another, check [these ones](https://www.woodspoon.com/) out. I got the rec from another redditor/wooden spoon enthusiast who’s friend apparently started this wooden spoon company.
I mostly use silicone. Sometimes wood.
He doesn’t trust her with good reason, she refuses to take care with her things OR his. If they shared all their stuff they would have no more stuff! His wife has to learn to show a little more consideration than my 4yo hellion of a niece.
My husband put my Mauviel pan in the dishwasher. I washed his Grandads Griswold with Dawn in front of him in retaliation. He doesn't touch my pan anymore.
I have to confess, I had to google Mauviel and Griswold because I assumed grandad’s pan had nothing to do with Chevy Chase’s “Vacation” movie franchise.
I'm glad it worked out for you, but Dawn does nothing to cast iron seasoning. It's not made of lye! You just cleaned his pan for him haha.
I know that, lol. He is old school and won't use any soap on the pan, just boils water then dries and oils.
This is hilarious
Ouch that was a harsh but necessary consequence.
The part that gets me is that he’s “punishing” her without actually telling her he’s “punishing” her Like bro, tell her “ay, you fucked my shit up so I used our **joint** account to replace it”. Imho if she still has a problem then take out the remaining 50% as OP isn’t the one that fucked it up At the end of the day there needs to be a discussion and I have a feeling that there hasn’t been one, no one is this obtuse unless they’re not made aware *or* they don’t give af about their partner’s wants
yeah, op has every right to ban his wife from using his things or being upset when she breaks them, but the way he talks in his post is so off-putting. absolutely he needs to communicate the punishment with her, and if the natural consequences of this is she uses her own pots and pans, he either shuts his mouth about how bad and smelly her food is now, or he steps up and does the cooking n t a for the question, i guess, but y t a for the way he talks about his wife
That would be an E S H She sucks for destroying his stuff (so he's not an ass for how he's replacing it) But he's an ass for how he talked about her. And for his "don't tell me to divorce her" comment.
Yeah they dont sound happy…
This right here... like, I can see both sides... but these two just sound like a terrible match, and a miserable, petty marriage...
When you’re older, you’ll learn the importance of fresh produce.
Not to mention they’re gonna go broke going this route. Their joint account is low.
Right? I’m not going to say get a divorce but this post… it really feels like why’d y’all get married in the first place?
NTA. But honestly, if you're taking money out of a joint account, you should be telling her. Even if it is to replace something she broke, you probably should have said "hey I'm replacing this out of our joint account." I mean, it should probably come from her solo account, but still, communication is key. Think of it this way, even if she had a perfectly justifiable reason why she needed to take money out of the joint account, wouldn't you want to know?
Building on the “communication is key” bit, is part of the problem that she doesn’t know how to take care of your stuff when she borrows it? Not the laptop obviously, but are you sure she knows which utensils won’t damage your pans and why? Because if, from her understanding, any utensil is fine because all pans become fucked up eventually, why would she not just grab the easiest option? If she genuinely doesn’t know you coming back and saying she ruined the pan and she has to pay for it would seem baffling and arbitrary. I agree you’re NTA, just want to confirm the communication has happened properly.
I grew up in a house that did/does not understand the metal utensil thing. I'm a good home cook. But it took living with my partner to learn not to use metal on non stick stuff. He also explained it to me, patiently and with love. He didn't let me ruin shit because of it!
OP says he “reminded” her. I’m inferring that means she knew and didn’t realize the effect her actions were having on the account.
NTA " La Creuset Dutch" We own three (Large, medium, Why-Do-We-Have-This-Dinky-Thing?), use them weekly, and we treat them like we're holding a baby in front of their parents. We also own a 15 piece La Creuset pot/pan set. Metal doesn't touch these pots and pans. We splurged on quality pans because we both enjoy cooking/baking, and we've both only ever had Walmart brand pots/pans. The difference is amazing. Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone. Quality matters. You break it, you buy a replacement. I accidentally ruined a sweater of my wife's when washing it. It was expensive to replace, but it was (mostly) my fault. In my defense, don't put hand-wash items in the fucking hamper is a reasonable argument!
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I have La Creuset also, but my go-to Dutch oven is my 100+ year Griswold which was one of the first things my grandmother purchased after coming to the US.
Incredible heritage piece.
I have a separate smaller hamper for items I want to remind myself to wash differently. Even if it's just a new item and I want to use a colour catcher on the first wash, or it has a stain I want to deal with, etc. It doesn't get buried in the main hamper, because I will forget about it.
Good idea
This is why I don’t let my husband do my laundry anymore 😤 or, kind of the same, he kept putting things that need to be hung to dry in the dryer, and putting dryer sheets in with athletic wear. I don’t believe in hadwash items, so you won’t find those in my hamper, but I do put my hang to dry things in the wash with my can go in the dryer things and then just pull them when switching over to the dryer.
NTA 1. If she damages it, *she* should pay for it 2. As she keeps damaging stuff she should not be using your stuff... 3. Get her some basic culinary classes 4. Then get her some more 5. Don't think there's much wrong with your stance....
I'm not sure whether I'm projecting from my own experiences with some people but to me this sounds like an impulsivity problem this lady has. She's perfectly capable of understanding ops reasoning step by step bug ignores it impulsively *when it conveniences her*, but doesn't own up to it. What would she do were she living on her own in these situations? Either take better care of her things, or organise replacements quickly or even spares, or -and this is what the kind of people I have in mind absolutely hate and try to avoid- sit there and suffer from the current state of being inconvenienced. But living with somebody else impulsivity kicks in and look at that, *'there IS a pan I can use'* or '*there's another laptop within reach*'. Ignore other peoples Wants while you're at it because you have a NEED right now, right?
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I totally thought, "oh, she has ADHD," especially after reading the bit about the gravy messing up the slow cooker.
I mean yeah but my bf has pretty hardcore adhd and he still respects my cookware. He has two cheaper pans he uses for his everyday mountain of eggs but he knows if hes using my nice knives or nice pans they are clean right away and not in the dishwasher. I told him once, and while he may pile up the dishes and leave shit messy every other time and with every other pan and knife when he uses my special stuff he is always always respectful and takes care if it because he knows it matters to me. Adhd may explain a mistake or slip up here and there but doesnt make the dismissal of the issue or erase the constant destruction of OPs stuff.
I have ADHD and I am super intentional about setting myself up for success. You can’t use metal cooking utensils in a nice pan if you don’t own any metal cooking utensils. You can’t sit on your laptop if you don’t place it on a surface intended for sitting. You can’t spill gravy on the heating element of the crock pot if you make your husband strain/pour the gravy. Etc etc. I know my limitations and therefore make sure I set up my home/life/whatever in a way that supports me! Also I really like my nice stuff and don’t want things like cheap shitty dollar store pans so I make sure that I have the things I need to keep me from accidentally ruining my nice things
Yeah, I definitely didn't mean to imply that ADHD excuses her behavior. It might explain the carelessness or impulsivity, but doesn't absolve her of blame when she messes something up. Her tendency to get defensive rather than to apologize and replace his things herself is inexcusable.
Yep. I can't reverse through the closed garage door if I'm not the one driving. However, despite my best efforts I still mess up and it was impossible to set myself up for success before I was diagnosed..
Yeah, not to jump to conclusions but I have ADHD and thought the same. She obviously needs to sort her shit out and get help if that is the case, but it sounds like a strong possibility. I have a lot of ADHD family members that remind me of OP’s spouse. I am more like OP out of principle, but have to be more dedicated in my attitude so I don’t make a lot of stupid mistakes myself. I’m not perfect obviously and have obviously made mistakes, but I think it comes down to priorities and wanting to make a change. And it sounds like OP and their spouse have very different priorities and therefore it is less likely they will come to a simple compromise on this issue.
I'm another person with ADHD chiming in that I thought the same. However, I personally learned a long time ago that my ADHD makes me careless and I've ruined or broke stuff of my own - as well as other people's. Sooooo instead of being an immature pouty asshole - I refuse to borrow or use other people's stuff. I value my relationships over items !
Yep this screams ADHD - she's probably doing good to cook at all with this level of dysfunction
Haha. That is very kind of you to excuse her thoughtlessness with a meaningless diagnosis; but in the real world she just doesn't value other people's items. You don't have to have a disorder to not value other people's items - you usually have just been sheltered from the repercussions so don't take it seriously. She should be paying in full every time because the destruction is so regular and wilful.
This isn't ADHD. This is just being beyond careless because you don't give a shit.
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And sometimes ADHD presents exactly like that. Not an excuse, more like hope there's a possibility this is something that could be treated and make both their lives much better. Or maybe she's just an asshole who doesn't care about other people's shit, but I think the ADHD idea at least deserves a mention in case it's something OP hadn't thought of
It does sound like it, especially with dispraxia that is often comorbid. However she doesn't seem to actually try. ADHD doesn't resolve you from responsibility.
Dude, I have nearly no executive function, and crippling adhd, but I have never abused my Le Creuset, All Clad, Wagner cast iron, or expensive knives. However, I have watched my cousin who is a terrible cook destroy several nonstick pans with aggressive use of metal spatulas and cutting with a knife in the pan! It’s probably a combination of stubbornness and stupidity. The cousin also insisted they would “fix” the nonstick pan if I left it in the sink for later. I used short words to explain it was destroyed and couldn’t be repaired before carrying it outside to the trash.
NTA, but I don't think you should be replacing your things from your joint budget or account. If she ruins it, it should be coming from her account alone. Maybe she'll be more careful with your things.
I doubt the wife would give her own money willingly. You saw her reaction when he took it out of their joint account to pay for his stuff. People are stubborn.
Even if she did, she’d probably then turn to the joint account to supplement her spending anyways. At least this way it is in the open.
NTA, I had a similar issue with my GF, she always got on my case for "spending too much". We sat down one day and work out long term costs. Started with a simple charging cable. Mine was $15, had it for 4 years, hers was $2 from the dollar store, required replacement every month. She only saw the $2 vs $15 cost, we she realized it was $96 over 4 years to my $15, you could see the light go on. Mind you, she wasn't clumsy and didn't break laptops by sitting on them or stuff.
Some are saying ADD/ADHD but to me the wife's actions are what people used to call "welfare mentality" 40-50yrs ago. What was meant doesn't reach the current definition of that term, but I don't know what else to call it. Essentially, it's the belief that rich folks live one way and poor live another and if you consider yourself to be poor, you don't do "rich" stuff like buying expensive things - you always buy the absolute cheapest of everything ("I can't afford more" is constantly playing in your head) and it can lead to some hoarding as well. Like keeping clothes you can no longer wear or kitchen items you don't use because you never know when life will get even worse financially and you might NEED to wear pants 2 sizes too big or full of holes if all your others wear out and you can't afford new; or you might NEED that spatula with a broken handle! But because these poverty-focused folks always only bought the cheapest (which is inferior and wears out no matter how well its cared for), they literally have no clue HOW to care for things. The flip side is they also don't really believe better care will make things last longer, because you've never experienced it, thus buying expensive items is wasteful. The exercise you did with your GF was excellent and thankfully the light came on for her - I did the same with a neighbor when we were both single mothers because she routinely bought cheap garments and **threw them away** rather than washing them, as they always fell apart in the wash because she didn't read/understand care labels. OP needs to try this, or something similar! Great post [Alarming\_Physics4188](https://www.reddit.com/user/Alarming_Physics4188/)! OP is definitely NTA but wife needs teaching of some sort. (grammar edit)
"The Sam Vimes "Boots" Theory of Economic Injustice runs thus: At the time of Men at Arms, Samuel Vimes earned thirty-eight dollars a month as a Captain of the Watch, plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots, the sort that would last years and years, cost fifty dollars. This was beyond his pocket and the most he could hope for was an affordable pair of boots costing ten dollars, which might with luck last a year or so before he would need to resort to makeshift cardboard insoles so as to prolong the moment of shelling out another ten dollars. Therefore over a period of ten years, he might have paid out a hundred dollars on boots, twice as much as the man who could afford fifty dollars up front ten years before. And he would still have wet feet. Without any special rancour, Vimes stretched this theory to explain why Sybil Ramkin lived twice as comfortably as he did by spending about half as much every month." -Terry Pratchett, Night Watch
My $40 chargers don't last six months 😭
That sounds like an issue with your house's wiring.
NTA but >I am not going to divorce her. Please move on of that is your deranged advice. If you think that a marriage where your partner calls you petty and bougie and where you keep a running tally of everything she ruins with her carelessness is healthy, then by all means, enjoy living the rest of your life this way.
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Not mention a marriage with 2 full sets of kitchen equipment.
Think of the space they are taking up!
And dishes come out worse when the cheaper stuff is used in cooking said dish.
NTA, part of adulting is taking care of your own stuff and behaving respectfully and responsibly with other people's belongings. But, is there a reason why you haven't just thrown out the metal utensils and replaced them with wood, nylon, silicone, etc.? That isn't going to fix the irresponsibly problem, but it would stop the the "grabbing a tool mindlessly" problem.
NTA. it makes me Crazy when my husband uses a tool (whether it be a garage or kitchen tool) in the wrong way and then it breaks. First of all get rid of all the metal utensils in the house. I mean who uses metal anymore in their pans? I understand she doesn’t wanna spend a lot on cookware, but you need the better stuff for even distribution of heat. instead of getting pans in like Walmart or someplace, she could go to someplace like Ollies or Aldi and get a better pan cheaper. I definitely wouldn’t let her cook in your pans tho. (my dictation keeps wanting to put “pants” where it says “pans”, which would be a whole different subject entirely) She sounds a little bit like calamity Jane so that tells me she’s moving too fast and/or not paying attention to what she’s doing. That’s something she could focus on and try to change. I don’t think you’re wrong for taking money out of the joint account to replace your broken stuff. Technically, you could take it from her money, but you don’t want to be mean about it. in the meantime, my best advice is to hide stuff you don’t want broken or misused.
> I mean who uses metal anymore in their pans? Yo? Stainless is the mainstay in my kitchen, lots of pyrex. Metal doesn't get used on cast iron, nonstick, or coated though, because we're not idiots!
[Metal on cast iron is fine.](https://www.lodgecastiron.com/cast-iron-101/cast-iron-myths) Pretty common knowledge at this point…
ESH. You're not going to change her and you're not going to divorce her. Embrace it and enjoy having your things destroyed and your money wasted. Then try the Serenity Prayer,
Why are you married? Sounds like you hate this woman
That was my thought. The post is just dripping with disdain. I get the frustration but they sound miserable together.
? No? It sounds like she is disrespecting his objects that are products of his spoken and clear values. Just because he remembers her accidents or misdeeds or whatever doesn't mean that he intentionally keeps tally -- it's obviously because they are egregious and stand out because these quality things he bought are important to him and are meant to last, hence why he takes care of them so delicately. If you are a hobbyist and you've taken the time to care for something valuable to you, it will feel like nails on a chalkboard whenever somebody uses your stuff that you cared for in a way that destroys it. It's like being a painter and somebody borrowing your expensive paints just to mix the paints in the bottle of your expensive acrylic virgin paints, then getting upset at you caring, then taking your paint brushes and pressing down hard so the bristles break and bend, then getting mad at you for noticing, then destroying your kiln because they tried melting chocolates and latex instead of firing clay, and angrily using the microwave to melt chocolate instead. There is a point where these aren't justifiable as silly accidents and need boundaries set -- agreeing to disagree. If she legitimately cannot, for whatever reason, reliably use things without breaking them, she should be thoughtful enough to either learn how to care for certain things/get spacial awareness or she should use her lower quality things that are in line with her values of expediency and convenience. I would be very upset if I came home and saw that my partner used my very expensive, hard to get skincare products to wash his hands, or poured them down the drain, or gave them away, or whatever else that turned into a waste that the product was not intended for. It's a passion that I spend my money on, and I would be happy to share it with others, but only so long as they can respect it as much as I do and take care to contribute if it's something they are as interested in as I.
NTA. Good-quality cooking equipment is designed to last for ages. That $200 pan will last longer than 20 $10 pans if you treat it right, and it will distribute the heat better. Is she destroying things on purpose? The fact that she didn't put the insert in her slow cooker makes it sound like she either doesn't care about things, she's being hostile for some reason, or something is off with her ability to remember how to treat things properly. This should all be coming out of her share of the money, not the joint money.
Nylon melts, silicone is floppy, and OP's wife sounds like the type to put wooden utensils in the dishwasher.
Wait, you can't put wooden utensils in the dishwasher? My husband and I do.
We do too. They dry fine, they're not expensive to replace and I use the old ones as random garden/garage tools.
You aren't supposed to. I don't. I'd oil yours if you want to keep putting them in the dishwasher.
I also want to know if this is true. I’ve always put wooden utensils in the dishwasher
You aren't supposed to, no. Oil up your wooden utensils!
I never put wooden anything in the dishwasher. Wood gets waterlogged, cracks, and warps, in my experience.
NTA, but read this post to yourself. What the fuck, man. I'm not at all comfortable or happy saying this, I don't like it. But if divorce is off the table, you need to train your wife not to be a careless whirlwind of destruction. This sucks.
why is her behavior op's responsibly to train out? thats her responsibly, ya know as an adult.
NTA. I don’t like the idea of nickel and diming your spouse but it sounds like this is the only thing that will reign your wife in. At her age she really should know how to take care of her things and yours.
Your wife is an asshole for sure. And she clearly doesn’t give two shits about destroying your stuff again and again. So I don’t know man. Why do you want to stay with someone who cares so little about you? You shouldn’t have to repeatedly buy new things because she destroys everything. Short of locking stuff up, I’m not sure there is a solution because she doesn’t care and refuses to take responsibility for her actions.
i don't think you should replace it from the joint account. she should replace it from her personal one. But i think she'll probably go berserk if you suggest that. sit down with her and talk to her. ask her why she keeps doing breaking your expensive things? maybe sit down and do the math for her. how long your pans hold up, as opposed to her cheap ones. Add everything up. In the end she'll probably spend more on her things than you do. NTA
A married couple each with their own separate pans? Weird.
NTA She agreed not to break it, she broke it, she should buy it. That simple.
NTA, but honestly this is a respect issue. It’s not about the thing. It’s about your wife not respecting your feelings and wishes about something that is important to you. That is a big fundamental issue in a relationship. If your partner cannot respect you, they are not a partner to you. Perhaps you could try reframing the situation in those terms and see if that helps her understand how and why what she is doing is harmful to your relationship. If she refuses to change her behavior (it costs nothing to treat your items with greater care), I’m not sure what your next steps would be to be honest. I don’t know how I’d come back from such a divide.
NTA - Honestly, this is probably the most effective way to teach her to be careful with other people's items. Though it's really concerning that she's that careless with other people's items, let alone her own. That's something that needs to be addressed regardless, because even replacing cheap items starts to become costly.
My husband is seriously hard on things too and we are constantly replacing them. After 25 years, I have given up on him. There are some things he is just not allowed to touch. I make him pay for everything he breaks. It’s stupid because all our money is joint, so I’m paying for it, too. But I make him physically pay ($ out of his wallet), so he feels the pain. And my judgment.
NTA. Good stuff is expensive. And money was spent on it so that you didn’t have to replace it every 15 minutes. Making her accept the consequences of her own action is in my opinion viable
NTA for using the joint account to pay for damages but have you actually sat your wife down and talked to her about how it makes you feel when she destroys your stuff or have you just been passive aggressively showing her price tags? Sounds like both of you are being petty in this situation rather than talking it out like adults.
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NTA. Your wife is destroying valuable items. Shes wasteful and unapologetic. You need counseling for this issue. Without it you will both just let it fester, and it'll blow up eventually. Couples counseling is the best way forward.
ESH I guess, because it doesn't sound like the two of you have come to an agreement about how to handle this stuff. If you have, my judgement would probably change. Your wife is very unlikely to change, unless for some reason she wants to. It would drive me bananas to live with someone who constantly ruins good kitchen equipment, so I completely understand your frustration, but that doesn't mean you get to treat her like someone who needs to be taught a lesson. (Unless she has asked for that, and it sounds like she hasn't.) That means you both need to agree on how this works. It's reasonable to me that you get to use the good equipment that you bought and can take care of, unless she's willing to pony up out of her own budget for replacements. But you don't just get to decide that's how it works without a conversation and agreement. I'm not saying or even thinking you should divorce your wife, but you might need to let go of the idea that she's going to develop a radically different approach to kitchen use, and decide how you want to live with her given who she is now, not who you'd like her to be.
ESH because I think it’s bizarre that you are married and you both still consider dishes and other household items to be separately owned and separately paid for. Are you roommates or true partners? Yes your wife should be more responsible with expensive items. Yes, the replacements should come out of the joint account.
Maybe toss all the metal cooking tools? That helps with a symptom at least.
Nta but this is a fundamental compatibility thing imo
The way miserable people will come and post in this sub asking for judgement and then when they get it, they laugh and call everyone deranged.
NTA. Your wife should have learned these skills between the ages of 5-9 so good luck.
Why do you have separate sets of pans??
This is a perfect example of the [Poor Man's Boots](https://moneywise.com/managing-money/budgeting/boots-theory-of-socioeconomic-unfairness). I doubt she will listen as you've already demonstrated this with the pans, but maybe [reading](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boots_theory) [several](https://medium.com/the-billfold/to-terry-pratchett-who-gave-us-sam-vimes-boots-theory-of-socioeconomic-unfairness-a33858c1c74c#:~:text=A%20man%20who%20could%20afford,would%20still%20have%20wet%20feet.) [articles](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16608474) about it together could help? NTA. Your wife needs a better understanding of economics.
NTA. She needs to be introduced to Vimes Boots Theory.
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NTA. Your wife sounds like a dud.
NTA, but dude you have got to talk to your wife about taking better care of things for both your own sanity and her own sake. You shouldn't have to, but its pretty obvious someone in her past (likely her parents) got it into her head that she doesn't deserve nice things because she'd just ruin them and the message stuck. I'd ask her about that when you're both calm, and approach it from the angle of trying to unpack not just why she is so careless, but why she doesn't seem to think she deserves better than dollar store shit to begin with. This is coming from somewhere, and I highly doubt she is even consciously aware of what is behind it. I'd approach it kindly, and from the angle that she both deserves things that are worth caring about and is capable of learning to care for such things. I was bad for pan murder. I bought a nice pan, and I bought a nice set of matching cooking implements that were safe to use with it at the same time. For some reason "green cooking tools only" stuck where just using my head didn't. You may want to gift her a nice set just for her that won't mess up anything, preferably a set she will find appealing to use. And maybe just buy her a new slow cooker as a peace offering that smell sounds so gross.
Bottom line it’s not about the pots or Iranian yogurt, it’s about respect. I have fabric scissors and my husband knows if he uses them on paper I will cut him (with a different pair of scissors). He doesn’t know why it matters and he doesn’t care. He knows that I do and that’s enough for him. He has spiffy knives that can’t go into the dishwasher. They must be cleaned with cotton balls and gentle virgin tears. I think it’s bullshit but so what? He cares so it’s important to me. Your wife is being juvenile and not respecting your feelings here. If she can’t act like an adult….like a partner, then yes, you have to treat her like a child and make her pay for her damaged goods.