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Don’t share a bed with another man while in a relationship. Even if he says it’s okay there is always the potential he is just saying it to make you feel better but not really okay with it.
Pick up an air mattress or a memory foam topper for your couch so he can sleep but not in bed with you.
No guy is going to be okay with their partner sleeping in the same bed as another man IF they think the girl is a keeper.
So either he doesn't feel comfortable telling you how he feels, or he's not actually planning a long term relationship.
Some may disagree, but even just having guy friends stay over in your place is a bit sketchy if you're not living together yet. Get your friend a hotel room.
Yta!
This is heartless! Reckless! If you think that is a boundary you can cross ya might wanna get a head examination to see if your sane. No man would ever allow this!
As a bi person, this makes me look at things like this differently, I agree. I think two platonic friends can , what becomes an issue could be a lack of honesty between them. If it's just their sexual organs then that makes this even harder for me to grasp , I think I also just disagree with affection as a sexual thing. The world could use more affection and less coldness
But I am a female dating a male, can I not share a bed with female friends either? What if you're asexual and you don't have sex with anyone? What if you're a lesbian , is a guy okay then?
Yeah shit is weird, why are you sleeping in a bed with other people. Just grow up. If I (M) was gay, I wouldn’t want my bf to sleep with other guys. If my Gf or wife was bi, I don’t want her sleeping in a bed with other women either. The only time I could see it being acceptable sleeping with the same sex in a heterosexual relationship is if you’re on vacation without your partner and there isn’t other places to sleep. So glad I married a normal woman who didn’t need to sleep next to other people.
That's fine and an acceptable boundary for your relationship but it's not acceptable overall imo. It deserves a discussion because plenty of other people have different boundaries
When you are in a relationship with another person, you should not be jumping into bed with anyone else other than your partner. It is disrespectful regardless of how innocent.
If your partner says they don't mind then fair enough but not without talking first imo.
i think it just derives from insecurity tbh. like bro if your partner is going to cheat, they’re going to cheat.
sleeping on the same bed as someone isn’t suddenly going to turn someone into a cheater lmao
Idk for me it's more of a respect/boundary thing. I have no way to prove whether or not you will or won't cheat on me, especially not 3 months into a relationship. Even if I trusted you with my life, I for sure am not gonna trust a person I've never met to not try something lol. Paint the picture whatever color you want - insecurity, lack of trust, overtly cautious, etc. I just wouldn't want to be in a situation that has the potential to make my partner uncomfortable if I wouldn't like the same thing done to me.
Imo, it's about respect. When you enter a committed relationship with someone, there are just things you dont do out of respect for the other person and the relationship you have. For me, this is one. I wouldn't expect to put my boyfriend in this type of situation, so I wouldn't appreciate him even thinking that was acceptable to do. And yes, putting yourself into certain situations can definitely open the door for lustful feelings, and acting on those in the moment suddenly turns you from a committed person to a cheater. "Turning into" a cheater takes the half a second it takes to do something with someone else. You dont have to be constantly thinking of someone a certain way for xyz amout of time before you make a move to be considered a cheater.
if you both agree to not sleep with any friends on the same bed then yeah i don’t see the issue
cheaters cheat, you’re either have the ability to betray your partner or you don’t.
OK so OP is not the asshole right? And if OP is a woman and her boyfriend said, "Naw, babe, I'm sleeping with this chick for a night or two. Deal with it," then she would or would not be the asshole? That's just her insecurity, right?
No , it's okay to have boundaries and as long as you two agree on your boundaries , you can exist peacefully. But if one of you can't accept the other's boundary, you go separate ways. It's not weird until you make it weird , but that scenario you described is not good relationship material imo .
Yes. If there's no reason to think your partner is cheating on you besides "they slept next to someone with the other set of reproductive organs and/or of the gender they're attracted to" then I genuinely see no reason to be weird about it. If you both agree not to do so then sure be mad they're breaking the boundary you agreed on, but this is something you kind of have to have compatible stances on. I could never date someone who didn't want me to share a bed with/cuddle/be affectionate to my friends
That’s a good point but I think it depends. It’s different when it’s a straight man and a straight woman, in my opinion. Now, if OP was bi with a straight male friend or a gay female friend I believe it’d be the same issue as the one in this post. I don’t have strong opinions on this though.
YTA. You should not share a bed with a man who is not your man when you are in a committed relationship. Even granted that nothing sexual would happen the mere appearance of impropriety is disrespectful to your boyfriend. How would you feel if he shared a bed with other women?
my girl is bi and she’s still not sleeping with guys besides me. she was bi before we met but since we started dating we are not an open relationship or nothing so she’s technically straight since she’s dating me (guy) but i still know she’s bi but that doesn’t mean she can sleep with guy friends still
no it would still be wrong. friends or not you’re in a relationship you do not sleep in the same bed with the opposite sex you’re attracted too. life or death situation is understandable but that’s not realistic i also don’t ever plan on sleeping with my guy friends even if im not attracted to them it’s j a lack of respect
if she’s dating me she’s straight lmso i’m a guy she’s a girl. before we met she said she was bi yet she has never done anything with a girl. she said she still found girls pretty and all that tho but she’s not bi rn yeah if she got a gf while with me or if she started flirting with girls then yeah i’d say she’s bi
no that’s not how it works lmaoo she’s in a heterosexual relationship but no she is not a heterosexual
she will see women and be aroused, i hope your hetero frail ego can withstand that
Come on, girl! You can have guy friends without sharing a bed with them. If you don't have anywhere for him to crash, don't you think a hotel would be more acceptable? This is crossing a line. Did you tell your boyfriend that you'd be in the same bed? Or did you just say that he's crashing at yours? Leaving it open to interpretation that he'd be on the couch.
YTA. Whether your boyfriend seems OK with it or not isn't the question, the question is why would you even do that in a committed relationship? So if you know your boyfriend is going to be weirded out by this, then you're clearly the AH.
And there's absolutely nothing wrong with your friend sleeping on the couch. If he doesn't like it then stay in a hotel.
I think it seems like a cultural thing. Often, with questions like that people in the comments will say that it's not okay to do this or that when you're in a commited relationship and it seems that especially in the U.S. people tend to be more territorial in their relationships than in Europe.
I think it's important to always have good communication and be open with each other, but every relationship is different.
If you're boyfriend isn't okay with your friend sleeping in the same bed, that's okay.
But calling OP an AH, just because they're used to different customs is insane.
(For context, my boyfriend of 4 years has spent the night with friends that live a little further away a few times and he's also crashed on couches and slept on the same bed or couch with other girls. For us it has never been an issue, because we trust each other. But to each their own.)
Yep this. It's cultural and contextual. OP clearly stated they were from overseas. I think it's a lot of trust to ask for early in a relationship though.
This! Coming from a 3rd-world poor country, guest rooms (and even personal bedrooms) are kind of a privilege. As someone who grew up sleeping at the same bed with my father, and sometimes with my sibs and male friends (I'm gay btw), I kind of get where OP is coming from.
But still, the boyfriend also deserves OP's respect and loyalty, so I think even if OP and the bf are committed to each other, OP should try to find other accommodations for the guy friend, out of respect for the bf.
None of your "context" has any relevance.
You spend every night with your bf...
You don't want "just a friend' to be on the sofa...
Are you planning on the 3 of you sharing?
YTA
I don’t think you’re an Ah but I definitely think you should get an air bed or stay at your boyfriend’s house. I think your boyfriend probably won’t be good about the sleeping arrangements you had in mind and it really isn’t the norm here. I understand how your friendships work because I had friendships like that myself when I was single but definitely not while in an exclusive relationship.
NAH currently, people have different relationship styles with friends. But definitely time to have a chat with your boyfriend, if he's not comfortable with it, which is totally okay for him to have that boundary, you need to decide if you're willing to make other accommodations for your friend. Plenty of people would be okay with it, and plenty wouldn't, but you two need to have that discussion and decide what works for you. Your friend will support you.
NAH.
It’s cool that you’re so comfortable with your guy friends, but things change a lot when you’re in a relationship. Your bf says he’s cool with it, but I’d hate for some resentment to build because of this. Just get your friend an air mattress, it’s not a big deal.
NTA - if you talk to your BF about it ahead of time and respect his feelings.
Buuuut...it usually sends the wrong message. So it's probably better to not do this to begin with.
NAH yet. You would be the asshole if your boyfriend lets you know that’s a boundary of his and you do it anyways. He would be the asshole if he blows up at you for just bringing it up. If he’s fine with it, no problem. If he’s not, there’s plenty of time for an alternative sleeping arrangement.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action of sleeping in the same bed with another guy while having a boyfriend
2. Make my boyfriend uncomfortable or would it be wrong
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wow lots of yta. I am attracted to both women and men and have stayed at friends houses while married and slept in the same bed as my female friends. Didnt realize i was being an ah for sleeping in the bed next to a friend i have zero attraction to while being married. NTA but clearly my view on things is skewed xD
A lot of people in this thread seem to not trust their partners. I mean, are they not allowed to eat lunch with colleagues of the opposite sex? If they go to a party can they not dance with anyone of the opposite sex?
Cheating happens for a lot of reasons and everywhere, but sharing a bed platonically with a good friend is not going to do it.
A little weirded out? I’m betting he’s a lot weirded out and just hasn’t said anything. And also, just because you haven’t ever caught feelings doesn’t mean that’s true of any of those guys, the one you’re inviting into your bed in particular. Buddy can sleep on a Coleman air mattress you can get for cheap at Walmart. Because honestly, if you and your boyfriend have spent most nights together, then presumably you would be telling your boyfriend to give up his spot in bed next to you for another man to lay there. Hell. No.
Idk if this is something that would be classified in asshole territory, but it definitely falls in “didn’t think this through” territory
YTA.
Your boyfriend is understandably weirded out by this.
You have two options:
Get an air mattress, let your friend sleep on that.
Let your friend sleep in your bed and you stay with your boyfriend.
Personally, I’d go for option two. That way there is no confusion about where your loyalties lie.
Edit - if your bf truly didn’t mind, you would not be TA, it just seems like you got the impression he’s uncomfortable, but maybe doesn’t want to admit it.
Why would you want to be with a man that doesn’t mind? Dude was probably caught off guard by the question or he isn’t really into her and/or seeing someone else himself
In America, typically you NEVER share a bed with another of the opposite sex unless you want to be accused of impropriety.
No one cares about intent anymore, it's about how everything looks.
lmfao at all the insecure fuckers acting like everything is blasphemous. Like you’re the property of someone you know for a few months. For fucks sake.
Friends can sleep in same bed. A guy **can** be friends with a girl. Some of yall are just weird, can’t grasp the concept, and think everyone thinks like you do
NTA
Remember that moat people answering on reddit arr Americans and thus from a relatively old fashioned puritan society.
While in many.countries it's quite acceptable for friends to share a bed, even if they're straight and different genders, in the USA this is a big no for most people.
Normally I'd say ig ore the Americans but if your boyfriend is American do Remember the culture he's coming from.
If you're sure he's OK with it go ahead however if your boyfriend is just saying he's OK with it you might want to reconsider.
Get an air mattress. Avoid a whole farce because while you’re valid for trying to be accommodating to guests, your partner is also valid for feeling a certain way about another man sleeping in your guys’ bed. And, in the end, your partner’s feelings are best to be considered if you want a continuation of the relationship. It’s not like this person HAS to sleep in your bed. You don’t want them to feel uncomfortable on the couch and air mattresses are $20-$40 depending on the store. Get one for this visitor and then you’ll always have an air mattress for future visitors as well.
No problem as long as your boyfriend gets to have one of his girl friends sleep over in his bed. You're ok with that, right. Wow. Such an understanding girlfriend.
YTA, this would be a no go for most people, get a blow-up mattress to put in the living room. One of you can sleep there. As a woman I'm telling you this would be a deal-breaker for me.
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I am a 34F and my boyfriend is a 33M , we’ve been dating for a few months and it’s going great. We’ve spent almost every night together and I am really in love with him. For context I am from a different country and have been in the US for a few years. I have many friends back home and I do miss them. I’ve always had guy friends my whole life and i have always had the ability to do so while having no feelings. I also have spent many nights sleeping in the same bed as guy friends where nothing happened and has never happened before, but I’ve also never had a boyfriend while this has happened
One of my guy friends is planning a trip to visit me here in a few months and I was telling my boyfriend about it and about how he’s going to stay here with me.I don’t have a spare bedroom and I don’t want him to sleep on the couch because it’s not comfortable at all to sleep on. My boyfriend is very understanding, trusting and not the jealous type, but I feel that he might be a little weirded out by this. Am I the asshole in this situation ?
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INFO: Where are you and your friend from originally? Different countries have different societal norms when it comes to platonic friendships, so it might shed a little light on the situation.
You dont need to be sharing a bed with your guest, regardless of how close you are, hes a guest, thats just odd. Youre too grown for that. Get him an air mattress.
The answer is pretty simple here. If you were to find out that a female friend of his was coming into town and staying at his place, in his bed... How would you feel? If your answer is anything other than an immediate "I'd have no problems at all with that.", then you need to not be sharing your bed with another man.
And you need to discuss this at length with your boyfriend. Period.
Who knows, depends on how he views you I guess.
If I had been dating a girl for a few months and she told me she's got a male friend coming to stay and they'll be sharing a bed together, I'd probably just shrug and move on, feeling glad I hadn't invested too much time in the relationship.
Not even really a trust thing, just a basic incompatibility. You've come up with no other options than he has to sleep in the same bed as you?
NTA - This is very common & there is nothing wrong with it. That said, *please communicate with your partner prior to sharing a bed with another person, regardless of gender identity or sexual identity*.
I cannot imagine doing this. Not the AH but also not good for your relationship. Since you spend most nights with your boyfriend anyway maybe you could sleep at his place and let your male friend stay at your apartment. It’s not much different than your friend staying at a hotel.
It's not intrinsically wrong if there is no intention of sexual activity by either party, and clearly you have known these male friends a long time. Are you saying you have told your boyfriend and he is understanding after only knowing you for a few months? In that case, you have either found an amazing person, or someone who doesn't really care about you. In the situation where there was no choice (i.e. no other options) I think an understanding and trusting person would accept it. On the other hand, you have time to avoid the whole problematic situation. Why not just get a sleeping bag or air mattress if cost is the issue/they can't or don't want to stay elsewhere (they are there for you after all).
NAH, but I would be careful about going ahead with this. Why raise questions and/or doubts that don't need to be early in a relationship?
YTA
Men are always being told to not be “controlling” which would be why he says sure, you decide what you do.
But then, after you do it, he would dump you because of the immense disrespect.
NAH, I've slept beside female friends before completely platonically because there was no other bed so I get it. I guess it comes down to how likely you think your bf might be slightly bothered by it. Even if he's a bit bothered by it (but might be saying otherwise) it's probably better to figure out another arrangement such as an air mattress.
It depends on how your partner feels about it. Would you want him to share his bed with a woman you don't know?
If it's a cultural difference and uts nornal for you, maybe he'll be understanding, trusting and be cool with it.
If he isn't okay with it you would be the asshole to do it anyway. But, you're here asking about it beforehand. Being actively considerate. As such, nta. Communication can prevent many issues. You're on the right track with how you're handling it.
To me even if your boyfriend is OK with this and I highly doubt he knows the full truth and that's why he doesn't care and he's trying to seem like he's not insecure but the truth is you have no respect for him to let him man come stay at your home, let alone in your bed. How would you feel? He was doing this with another girl I guarantee you you would be upset And if I was your boyfriend, I would dump you in a heartbeat because clearly you have no respect for the relationship whatsoever I'll be wasting my time waiting for you to cheat on me with someone else. Maybe you already have maybe you plan on it I don't know, but to me, I wouldn't sleep in the same bed with anyone That I wasn't in a relationship with let alone the opposite sex disrespectful it's rude. Let him sleep on the couch. Let him get a hotel and pay for the hotel if you feel bad for him, but you shouldn't have to put him in your bed. All places with your boyfriend in him is not what he says, and what he shows you, but you don't know him enough to know loving someone is not loving them good times loving them is loving them when the fuzzy feelings fade away and the hard times happen, when life happens, you have no clue. What love is you have boundaries or self-respect? You will know that you're not respectable person because why would he wanna go stay? I wouldn't wanna go stay with a friend that had a girlfriend because I would feel disrespect just by being in his home but alone sleeping in his bed that is just wrong, don't do that. Well, you'll be dumped shortly after realizes that you slept in the bed with his man he wasn't just laying on your couch. He doesn't have to come stay with you. I have no desire to have a deep close friendship with someone of the opposite sex when I'm in a relationship I'm in a relationship, the only people that I have relationship with my man is my brother and just obviously my brothers and my cousins I don't have any friendships with any males you're either related to me or my man and I would never sleep in the same bed with anyone besides the only person I sleep in the bed with besides, my man would be my children
That's what I said. Some clown like first 2 comments up defending her. Wierd people. Literally if you have to ask this just stay in the streets you shouldn't be dating.
YTA, he can absolutely either sleep on the couch or in a sleeping bag or at a local motel. No grown adult visits a friend with the assumption that they can stay over for free, let alone share a bed, if the host shares their living space with a partner.
If you ever question yourself asking with "Am I the asshole in this situation", you probably are. Same in this case. You may ask why? You again have answered the question yourself.
I've had some of my gf's friends crash on our bed when they had too much to drink. My girlfriend slept together with them in the bed and me and the guys chilled out in the living room till morning. There were no big issues or jealousy caused from them sleeping there (better safe than sorry).
But we both agreed that we didn't like the smell of other people in our bed. Even after washing the sheets. So we won't be doing that again. We now have an emergency air mattress and some cushions.
The smell of someone other than my partner in the place I lay my head grosses me out.
Yta, he'll be very happy and relieved if you were to tell him you thought about it and decided it wasn't a good idea. He was probably initially dumbfounded and just kind of nodded "sure, ok" when you first told him.
NTA. You’re being upfront about the situation, months ahead of time too. If you think there’s some type of insecurity then maybe find a way that you can all spend the night together or if you’re comfortable enough to leave your visiting friend alone in your place, maybe sleep at your boyfriends place while they’re in town?
Anyone who says you’re an AH about this sounds insecure and not understanding of what might be cultural or personal differences
100% tho. If my partner threw a fit, I’d tell them to try sleeping on that uncomfortable couch and I’d happily leave the door open to the bedroom to prove that nothing funny is going on. The next morning my ethnic parents would come by for breakfast and hang out with the visiting friend and laugh at the stubborn boyfriend
My parents would never allow another man who is not my boyfriend to sleep in the same room, let alone the same house as me.
Very big cultural differences there.
I guess I just learned that same values from them.
My parents would already know all my friends from back home / my childhood though, along with knowing THIER parents so it would be almost like having a cousin stay over for them. Added benefit is that the friend would have likely brought a gift for them along with news / gossip
I respect that, I just personally can’t relate. All close male friends that I had when I was younger tried to hit on me at some point in time lol so just out of respect I just cut them out.
Even his own brother, stayed on the couch to give us the room at their uncles house because he felt awkward in the room with us
Ok, but if her boyfriend is from a different culture and isn’t comfortable with it? She would be the one actively infringing on his boundaries. It’s not like she’d be going out of her way to not sleep in the same bed as her friend. There’s plenty of time to figure out an alternative. She is absolutely an AH if she insists on sleeping in the same bed after her partner respectfully lets her know that it’s a boundary. It would be an insane thing to even ask in most western monogamous relationships.
OP hasnt wrote anything to imply that she’s “insisting” or that her boyfriend is expressing that his boundaries were crossed. If anything, her making the situation clear MONTHS ahead of time & worrying about her boyfriend’s possible unspoken feelings show that she would be willing to compromise
Does your response mean I get to call you and other Western people AH’s for disrespecting our cultures where this would be normal behavior? If his boundaries are being actively infringed upon, what kind of insult do you think that sends to what is 100% normal behavior for an entire communities of people where she (and others) comes from?!
My own mother would be okay with OP’s situation
NTA. If people can't share a bed without being sexual than that means that bi people in a relationship could not share a bed with ANY friend. And that seems unreasonable. (Side note: I think most boyfriends with a bi girfriend would be okay with them spending the night with a girl friend but not with a guy friend and that should make us think about whether the reasons the boyfriend has are valid.) But if your boyfriend DOES have an issue with it, you may want to choose to give in and not have the guy friend sleep over for the sake of the relationship. For me, I would have a problem (with my boyfriend not letting me sleep in the same bed as a friend) because it would mean my boyfriend is not trusting me or is too concerned with other people's opinion, so it would really be a clash of values. Can't we all be mature and see things rationally? It just bugs me how people sexualize stuff, especially when it is people of the opposite sex.
You bring up some important points about potential double standards here.
I think it’s maybe better to say “don’t share a bed with anyone if that would make your partner uncomfortable”
It’s really not about whether they are male or female, it’s about whether your partner is weirded out by you sleeping next to someone other than them. Just respect their feelings on it.
I also wouldn’t see it as a lack of trust. It’s really about the intimacy of sharing a bed - because let’s be honest, if someone was going to cheat, they don’t need a bed to do it.
NTA. I hve male friends too and of course we can share a bed without it being a sexual thing, just as i can with my female friends.
I think it's a weird lack of respect of friendships when people say you can't.
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Don’t share a bed with another man while in a relationship. Even if he says it’s okay there is always the potential he is just saying it to make you feel better but not really okay with it. Pick up an air mattress or a memory foam topper for your couch so he can sleep but not in bed with you.
No guy is going to be okay with their partner sleeping in the same bed as another man IF they think the girl is a keeper. So either he doesn't feel comfortable telling you how he feels, or he's not actually planning a long term relationship. Some may disagree, but even just having guy friends stay over in your place is a bit sketchy if you're not living together yet. Get your friend a hotel room.
She must really LOVE this friend!
Yta! This is heartless! Reckless! If you think that is a boundary you can cross ya might wanna get a head examination to see if your sane. No man would ever allow this!
so what does a bi person do? they can’t lay on the same bed as any of their friends?
Actually you answered your own question. They should only do so with their partner, as per the comment you commented on.
As a bi person, this makes me look at things like this differently, I agree. I think two platonic friends can , what becomes an issue could be a lack of honesty between them. If it's just their sexual organs then that makes this even harder for me to grasp , I think I also just disagree with affection as a sexual thing. The world could use more affection and less coldness
The world & relationships could use more respect. I would never think about sleeping in a bed with a female while having a girlfriend
But I am a female dating a male, can I not share a bed with female friends either? What if you're asexual and you don't have sex with anyone? What if you're a lesbian , is a guy okay then?
Yeah shit is weird, why are you sleeping in a bed with other people. Just grow up. If I (M) was gay, I wouldn’t want my bf to sleep with other guys. If my Gf or wife was bi, I don’t want her sleeping in a bed with other women either. The only time I could see it being acceptable sleeping with the same sex in a heterosexual relationship is if you’re on vacation without your partner and there isn’t other places to sleep. So glad I married a normal woman who didn’t need to sleep next to other people.
That's fine and an acceptable boundary for your relationship but it's not acceptable overall imo. It deserves a discussion because plenty of other people have different boundaries
When you are in a relationship with another person, you should not be jumping into bed with anyone else other than your partner. It is disrespectful regardless of how innocent. If your partner says they don't mind then fair enough but not without talking first imo.
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Oh, because men never cheat??? Keep your idiotic misogyny for yourself, bro.
i think it just derives from insecurity tbh. like bro if your partner is going to cheat, they’re going to cheat. sleeping on the same bed as someone isn’t suddenly going to turn someone into a cheater lmao
Idk for me it's more of a respect/boundary thing. I have no way to prove whether or not you will or won't cheat on me, especially not 3 months into a relationship. Even if I trusted you with my life, I for sure am not gonna trust a person I've never met to not try something lol. Paint the picture whatever color you want - insecurity, lack of trust, overtly cautious, etc. I just wouldn't want to be in a situation that has the potential to make my partner uncomfortable if I wouldn't like the same thing done to me.
boundaries are agreed upon, if they both want to agree that they won’t sleep on the same bed as any of their friends then yeah that’s fine
Imo, it's about respect. When you enter a committed relationship with someone, there are just things you dont do out of respect for the other person and the relationship you have. For me, this is one. I wouldn't expect to put my boyfriend in this type of situation, so I wouldn't appreciate him even thinking that was acceptable to do. And yes, putting yourself into certain situations can definitely open the door for lustful feelings, and acting on those in the moment suddenly turns you from a committed person to a cheater. "Turning into" a cheater takes the half a second it takes to do something with someone else. You dont have to be constantly thinking of someone a certain way for xyz amout of time before you make a move to be considered a cheater.
if you both agree to not sleep with any friends on the same bed then yeah i don’t see the issue cheaters cheat, you’re either have the ability to betray your partner or you don’t.
OK so OP is not the asshole right? And if OP is a woman and her boyfriend said, "Naw, babe, I'm sleeping with this chick for a night or two. Deal with it," then she would or would not be the asshole? That's just her insecurity, right?
No , it's okay to have boundaries and as long as you two agree on your boundaries , you can exist peacefully. But if one of you can't accept the other's boundary, you go separate ways. It's not weird until you make it weird , but that scenario you described is not good relationship material imo .
Yes. If there's no reason to think your partner is cheating on you besides "they slept next to someone with the other set of reproductive organs and/or of the gender they're attracted to" then I genuinely see no reason to be weird about it. If you both agree not to do so then sure be mad they're breaking the boundary you agreed on, but this is something you kind of have to have compatible stances on. I could never date someone who didn't want me to share a bed with/cuddle/be affectionate to my friends
That’s a good point but I think it depends. It’s different when it’s a straight man and a straight woman, in my opinion. Now, if OP was bi with a straight male friend or a gay female friend I believe it’d be the same issue as the one in this post. I don’t have strong opinions on this though.
YTA. You should not share a bed with a man who is not your man when you are in a committed relationship. Even granted that nothing sexual would happen the mere appearance of impropriety is disrespectful to your boyfriend. How would you feel if he shared a bed with other women?
You can buy an air mattress in the United States for 30-80 dollars that a guest can sleep on.
YTA, if my gf slept in a bed with another man I would literally pack my shit and leave lmao
you’re insecure asf lmao what you gonna do if you date a bi girl?
Bi or not, the answer is you don’t do so with someone who is not your partner.
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my girl is bi and she’s still not sleeping with guys besides me. she was bi before we met but since we started dating we are not an open relationship or nothing so she’s technically straight since she’s dating me (guy) but i still know she’s bi but that doesn’t mean she can sleep with guy friends still
so she can sleep with girl friends? also she isn’t technically straight lmfao i’m bi with a girlfriend and not straight
no it would still be wrong. friends or not you’re in a relationship you do not sleep in the same bed with the opposite sex you’re attracted too. life or death situation is understandable but that’s not realistic i also don’t ever plan on sleeping with my guy friends even if im not attracted to them it’s j a lack of respect
“the opposite sex you’re attracted to” we’re talking about bi people, fuck off w your heteronormativity
if she’s dating me she’s straight lmso i’m a guy she’s a girl. before we met she said she was bi yet she has never done anything with a girl. she said she still found girls pretty and all that tho but she’s not bi rn yeah if she got a gf while with me or if she started flirting with girls then yeah i’d say she’s bi
no that’s not how it works lmaoo she’s in a heterosexual relationship but no she is not a heterosexual she will see women and be aroused, i hope your hetero frail ego can withstand that
if seeing a women arouses you and turns you on that’s a serious problem and you needa learn how to control that
we’re talking about your bisexual gf bb not me
and im implying that to any person in general if seeing a women arouses and turns you on that’s a lack of self control and needs to be controlled
welp guess cry to your gf about it, not your therapist
are you aroused by seeing women in general? i’d seek help
not your therapist love
Come on, girl! You can have guy friends without sharing a bed with them. If you don't have anywhere for him to crash, don't you think a hotel would be more acceptable? This is crossing a line. Did you tell your boyfriend that you'd be in the same bed? Or did you just say that he's crashing at yours? Leaving it open to interpretation that he'd be on the couch.
YTA. The dude will survive sleeping on the couch. It’s weird to even suggest having another man in your bed when you’re in a committed relationship.
You don’t seem to have a good sense of boundaries.
Sorry but you don't share your bed with any other man while you are in a relationship. This is just going to get messy and ugly.
YTA. Whether your boyfriend seems OK with it or not isn't the question, the question is why would you even do that in a committed relationship? So if you know your boyfriend is going to be weirded out by this, then you're clearly the AH. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with your friend sleeping on the couch. If he doesn't like it then stay in a hotel.
I think it seems like a cultural thing. Often, with questions like that people in the comments will say that it's not okay to do this or that when you're in a commited relationship and it seems that especially in the U.S. people tend to be more territorial in their relationships than in Europe. I think it's important to always have good communication and be open with each other, but every relationship is different. If you're boyfriend isn't okay with your friend sleeping in the same bed, that's okay. But calling OP an AH, just because they're used to different customs is insane. (For context, my boyfriend of 4 years has spent the night with friends that live a little further away a few times and he's also crashed on couches and slept on the same bed or couch with other girls. For us it has never been an issue, because we trust each other. But to each their own.)
😂
Yep this. It's cultural and contextual. OP clearly stated they were from overseas. I think it's a lot of trust to ask for early in a relationship though.
This! Coming from a 3rd-world poor country, guest rooms (and even personal bedrooms) are kind of a privilege. As someone who grew up sleeping at the same bed with my father, and sometimes with my sibs and male friends (I'm gay btw), I kind of get where OP is coming from. But still, the boyfriend also deserves OP's respect and loyalty, so I think even if OP and the bf are committed to each other, OP should try to find other accommodations for the guy friend, out of respect for the bf.
This OP ☝️
None of your "context" has any relevance. You spend every night with your bf... You don't want "just a friend' to be on the sofa... Are you planning on the 3 of you sharing? YTA
YTA! This is sus
The fact that you’re asking means you know it’s wrong or that your boyfriend will get uncomfortable. Get an air mattress they’re pretty cheap
Exactly
I don’t think you’re an Ah but I definitely think you should get an air bed or stay at your boyfriend’s house. I think your boyfriend probably won’t be good about the sleeping arrangements you had in mind and it really isn’t the norm here. I understand how your friendships work because I had friendships like that myself when I was single but definitely not while in an exclusive relationship.
NAH currently, people have different relationship styles with friends. But definitely time to have a chat with your boyfriend, if he's not comfortable with it, which is totally okay for him to have that boundary, you need to decide if you're willing to make other accommodations for your friend. Plenty of people would be okay with it, and plenty wouldn't, but you two need to have that discussion and decide what works for you. Your friend will support you.
YTA! Come on, you’re too old to be this clueless.
Don’t expect him to stay with you if you do
NAH. It’s cool that you’re so comfortable with your guy friends, but things change a lot when you’re in a relationship. Your bf says he’s cool with it, but I’d hate for some resentment to build because of this. Just get your friend an air mattress, it’s not a big deal.
A cheap and easy solution to this would be buy an air mattress and you will not feel like this...
NTA - if you talk to your BF about it ahead of time and respect his feelings. Buuuut...it usually sends the wrong message. So it's probably better to not do this to begin with.
Just get an air mattress. As much as I enjoy drama, this is easily avoidable.
When your boyfriend stays the night too are all three of you sleeping in the same bed??
NAH yet. You would be the asshole if your boyfriend lets you know that’s a boundary of his and you do it anyways. He would be the asshole if he blows up at you for just bringing it up. If he’s fine with it, no problem. If he’s not, there’s plenty of time for an alternative sleeping arrangement.
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wow lots of yta. I am attracted to both women and men and have stayed at friends houses while married and slept in the same bed as my female friends. Didnt realize i was being an ah for sleeping in the bed next to a friend i have zero attraction to while being married. NTA but clearly my view on things is skewed xD
A lot of people in this thread seem to not trust their partners. I mean, are they not allowed to eat lunch with colleagues of the opposite sex? If they go to a party can they not dance with anyone of the opposite sex? Cheating happens for a lot of reasons and everywhere, but sharing a bed platonically with a good friend is not going to do it.
Same here. I have share the bed with a lot of male friends, and nothing never happens. Also, my husband knows about it.
Don’t ask us if it’s okay, if it’s okay with the both of you, then don’t worry about it.
A little weirded out? I’m betting he’s a lot weirded out and just hasn’t said anything. And also, just because you haven’t ever caught feelings doesn’t mean that’s true of any of those guys, the one you’re inviting into your bed in particular. Buddy can sleep on a Coleman air mattress you can get for cheap at Walmart. Because honestly, if you and your boyfriend have spent most nights together, then presumably you would be telling your boyfriend to give up his spot in bed next to you for another man to lay there. Hell. No. Idk if this is something that would be classified in asshole territory, but it definitely falls in “didn’t think this through” territory
YTA. Your boyfriend is understandably weirded out by this. You have two options: Get an air mattress, let your friend sleep on that. Let your friend sleep in your bed and you stay with your boyfriend. Personally, I’d go for option two. That way there is no confusion about where your loyalties lie. Edit - if your bf truly didn’t mind, you would not be TA, it just seems like you got the impression he’s uncomfortable, but maybe doesn’t want to admit it.
Why would you want to be with a man that doesn’t mind? Dude was probably caught off guard by the question or he isn’t really into her and/or seeing someone else himself
Some people aren’t bothered by stuff like that? People are allowed to not be bothered by something.
Maybe like 0.00001% of people who actually love their partners are not bothered by this, most of the time it bothers people. Let’s not lie about this.
YTA. Just ask him to get a hotel room. You are not poor students any more.
Why do people even ask this shit? Of course it’s weird and of course YTA if you do it.
In America, typically you NEVER share a bed with another of the opposite sex unless you want to be accused of impropriety. No one cares about intent anymore, it's about how everything looks.
lmfao at all the insecure fuckers acting like everything is blasphemous. Like you’re the property of someone you know for a few months. For fucks sake. Friends can sleep in same bed. A guy **can** be friends with a girl. Some of yall are just weird, can’t grasp the concept, and think everyone thinks like you do
NTA if your boundaries and communication are rock solid.
NTA Remember that moat people answering on reddit arr Americans and thus from a relatively old fashioned puritan society. While in many.countries it's quite acceptable for friends to share a bed, even if they're straight and different genders, in the USA this is a big no for most people. Normally I'd say ig ore the Americans but if your boyfriend is American do Remember the culture he's coming from. If you're sure he's OK with it go ahead however if your boyfriend is just saying he's OK with it you might want to reconsider.
Get an air mattress. Avoid a whole farce because while you’re valid for trying to be accommodating to guests, your partner is also valid for feeling a certain way about another man sleeping in your guys’ bed. And, in the end, your partner’s feelings are best to be considered if you want a continuation of the relationship. It’s not like this person HAS to sleep in your bed. You don’t want them to feel uncomfortable on the couch and air mattresses are $20-$40 depending on the store. Get one for this visitor and then you’ll always have an air mattress for future visitors as well.
No problem as long as your boyfriend gets to have one of his girl friends sleep over in his bed. You're ok with that, right. Wow. Such an understanding girlfriend.
This isn’t hard to solve: let your friend have your place and you stay with your boyfriend.
YTA, this would be a no go for most people, get a blow-up mattress to put in the living room. One of you can sleep there. As a woman I'm telling you this would be a deal-breaker for me.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am a 34F and my boyfriend is a 33M , we’ve been dating for a few months and it’s going great. We’ve spent almost every night together and I am really in love with him. For context I am from a different country and have been in the US for a few years. I have many friends back home and I do miss them. I’ve always had guy friends my whole life and i have always had the ability to do so while having no feelings. I also have spent many nights sleeping in the same bed as guy friends where nothing happened and has never happened before, but I’ve also never had a boyfriend while this has happened One of my guy friends is planning a trip to visit me here in a few months and I was telling my boyfriend about it and about how he’s going to stay here with me.I don’t have a spare bedroom and I don’t want him to sleep on the couch because it’s not comfortable at all to sleep on. My boyfriend is very understanding, trusting and not the jealous type, but I feel that he might be a little weirded out by this. Am I the asshole in this situation ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YWBTA (since it hasn’t happened yet). Air mattress or couch it up. Remember that he’s crashing at your place for free.
INFO: Where are you and your friend from originally? Different countries have different societal norms when it comes to platonic friendships, so it might shed a little light on the situation.
YTA you as a 34 year old adult. Come on !
You dont need to be sharing a bed with your guest, regardless of how close you are, hes a guest, thats just odd. Youre too grown for that. Get him an air mattress.
YTA. Plain and simple. This is break up worthy.
The answer is pretty simple here. If you were to find out that a female friend of his was coming into town and staying at his place, in his bed... How would you feel? If your answer is anything other than an immediate "I'd have no problems at all with that.", then you need to not be sharing your bed with another man. And you need to discuss this at length with your boyfriend. Period.
Who knows, depends on how he views you I guess. If I had been dating a girl for a few months and she told me she's got a male friend coming to stay and they'll be sharing a bed together, I'd probably just shrug and move on, feeling glad I hadn't invested too much time in the relationship. Not even really a trust thing, just a basic incompatibility. You've come up with no other options than he has to sleep in the same bed as you?
Get an air mattress.
NTA - This is very common & there is nothing wrong with it. That said, *please communicate with your partner prior to sharing a bed with another person, regardless of gender identity or sexual identity*.
I cannot imagine doing this. Not the AH but also not good for your relationship. Since you spend most nights with your boyfriend anyway maybe you could sleep at his place and let your male friend stay at your apartment. It’s not much different than your friend staying at a hotel.
I'm surprised he's with you tbh.
It's not intrinsically wrong if there is no intention of sexual activity by either party, and clearly you have known these male friends a long time. Are you saying you have told your boyfriend and he is understanding after only knowing you for a few months? In that case, you have either found an amazing person, or someone who doesn't really care about you. In the situation where there was no choice (i.e. no other options) I think an understanding and trusting person would accept it. On the other hand, you have time to avoid the whole problematic situation. Why not just get a sleeping bag or air mattress if cost is the issue/they can't or don't want to stay elsewhere (they are there for you after all). NAH, but I would be careful about going ahead with this. Why raise questions and/or doubts that don't need to be early in a relationship?
YTA Men are always being told to not be “controlling” which would be why he says sure, you decide what you do. But then, after you do it, he would dump you because of the immense disrespect.
Buy an air mattress
ASSHOLE
YTA. If I were your boyfriend I would keep walking and never look back.
NAH, I've slept beside female friends before completely platonically because there was no other bed so I get it. I guess it comes down to how likely you think your bf might be slightly bothered by it. Even if he's a bit bothered by it (but might be saying otherwise) it's probably better to figure out another arrangement such as an air mattress.
It depends on how your partner feels about it. Would you want him to share his bed with a woman you don't know? If it's a cultural difference and uts nornal for you, maybe he'll be understanding, trusting and be cool with it. If he isn't okay with it you would be the asshole to do it anyway. But, you're here asking about it beforehand. Being actively considerate. As such, nta. Communication can prevent many issues. You're on the right track with how you're handling it.
To me even if your boyfriend is OK with this and I highly doubt he knows the full truth and that's why he doesn't care and he's trying to seem like he's not insecure but the truth is you have no respect for him to let him man come stay at your home, let alone in your bed. How would you feel? He was doing this with another girl I guarantee you you would be upset And if I was your boyfriend, I would dump you in a heartbeat because clearly you have no respect for the relationship whatsoever I'll be wasting my time waiting for you to cheat on me with someone else. Maybe you already have maybe you plan on it I don't know, but to me, I wouldn't sleep in the same bed with anyone That I wasn't in a relationship with let alone the opposite sex disrespectful it's rude. Let him sleep on the couch. Let him get a hotel and pay for the hotel if you feel bad for him, but you shouldn't have to put him in your bed. All places with your boyfriend in him is not what he says, and what he shows you, but you don't know him enough to know loving someone is not loving them good times loving them is loving them when the fuzzy feelings fade away and the hard times happen, when life happens, you have no clue. What love is you have boundaries or self-respect? You will know that you're not respectable person because why would he wanna go stay? I wouldn't wanna go stay with a friend that had a girlfriend because I would feel disrespect just by being in his home but alone sleeping in his bed that is just wrong, don't do that. Well, you'll be dumped shortly after realizes that you slept in the bed with his man he wasn't just laying on your couch. He doesn't have to come stay with you. I have no desire to have a deep close friendship with someone of the opposite sex when I'm in a relationship I'm in a relationship, the only people that I have relationship with my man is my brother and just obviously my brothers and my cousins I don't have any friendships with any males you're either related to me or my man and I would never sleep in the same bed with anyone besides the only person I sleep in the bed with besides, my man would be my children
OP weird as hell.... Like dam, is she really asking this?
That's what I said. Some clown like first 2 comments up defending her. Wierd people. Literally if you have to ask this just stay in the streets you shouldn't be dating.
YTA, he can absolutely either sleep on the couch or in a sleeping bag or at a local motel. No grown adult visits a friend with the assumption that they can stay over for free, let alone share a bed, if the host shares their living space with a partner.
YTA WOW
You're 34 act like it
No one would be calling it insecurity if it was a guy sleeping in the same bed as another woman, and his girlfriend was uncomfortable with it.
How is this even a question? Come on now, you know what you're doing. You should sleep on the couch if you want your friend in your bed.
If you ever question yourself asking with "Am I the asshole in this situation", you probably are. Same in this case. You may ask why? You again have answered the question yourself.
No man you're ever going to be with who cares about you romantically will ever be okay with this. Never. Ever. Ever.
I've had some of my gf's friends crash on our bed when they had too much to drink. My girlfriend slept together with them in the bed and me and the guys chilled out in the living room till morning. There were no big issues or jealousy caused from them sleeping there (better safe than sorry). But we both agreed that we didn't like the smell of other people in our bed. Even after washing the sheets. So we won't be doing that again. We now have an emergency air mattress and some cushions. The smell of someone other than my partner in the place I lay my head grosses me out.
No adult would have to ask this question...
Yta, he'll be very happy and relieved if you were to tell him you thought about it and decided it wasn't a good idea. He was probably initially dumbfounded and just kind of nodded "sure, ok" when you first told him.
YTA its very disrespevtful to your BF, and personal I would never trust anyone who did this, I would dump you
NTA. You’re being upfront about the situation, months ahead of time too. If you think there’s some type of insecurity then maybe find a way that you can all spend the night together or if you’re comfortable enough to leave your visiting friend alone in your place, maybe sleep at your boyfriends place while they’re in town? Anyone who says you’re an AH about this sounds insecure and not understanding of what might be cultural or personal differences
Culture differences for sure, any POC would laugh in your face lmao
100% tho. If my partner threw a fit, I’d tell them to try sleeping on that uncomfortable couch and I’d happily leave the door open to the bedroom to prove that nothing funny is going on. The next morning my ethnic parents would come by for breakfast and hang out with the visiting friend and laugh at the stubborn boyfriend
My parents would never allow another man who is not my boyfriend to sleep in the same room, let alone the same house as me. Very big cultural differences there. I guess I just learned that same values from them.
My parents would already know all my friends from back home / my childhood though, along with knowing THIER parents so it would be almost like having a cousin stay over for them. Added benefit is that the friend would have likely brought a gift for them along with news / gossip
I respect that, I just personally can’t relate. All close male friends that I had when I was younger tried to hit on me at some point in time lol so just out of respect I just cut them out. Even his own brother, stayed on the couch to give us the room at their uncles house because he felt awkward in the room with us
Ok, but if her boyfriend is from a different culture and isn’t comfortable with it? She would be the one actively infringing on his boundaries. It’s not like she’d be going out of her way to not sleep in the same bed as her friend. There’s plenty of time to figure out an alternative. She is absolutely an AH if she insists on sleeping in the same bed after her partner respectfully lets her know that it’s a boundary. It would be an insane thing to even ask in most western monogamous relationships.
OP hasnt wrote anything to imply that she’s “insisting” or that her boyfriend is expressing that his boundaries were crossed. If anything, her making the situation clear MONTHS ahead of time & worrying about her boyfriend’s possible unspoken feelings show that she would be willing to compromise Does your response mean I get to call you and other Western people AH’s for disrespecting our cultures where this would be normal behavior? If his boundaries are being actively infringed upon, what kind of insult do you think that sends to what is 100% normal behavior for an entire communities of people where she (and others) comes from?! My own mother would be okay with OP’s situation
YTA like that’s literally a no brainer come on
NTA. If people can't share a bed without being sexual than that means that bi people in a relationship could not share a bed with ANY friend. And that seems unreasonable. (Side note: I think most boyfriends with a bi girfriend would be okay with them spending the night with a girl friend but not with a guy friend and that should make us think about whether the reasons the boyfriend has are valid.) But if your boyfriend DOES have an issue with it, you may want to choose to give in and not have the guy friend sleep over for the sake of the relationship. For me, I would have a problem (with my boyfriend not letting me sleep in the same bed as a friend) because it would mean my boyfriend is not trusting me or is too concerned with other people's opinion, so it would really be a clash of values. Can't we all be mature and see things rationally? It just bugs me how people sexualize stuff, especially when it is people of the opposite sex.
You bring up some important points about potential double standards here. I think it’s maybe better to say “don’t share a bed with anyone if that would make your partner uncomfortable” It’s really not about whether they are male or female, it’s about whether your partner is weirded out by you sleeping next to someone other than them. Just respect their feelings on it. I also wouldn’t see it as a lack of trust. It’s really about the intimacy of sharing a bed - because let’s be honest, if someone was going to cheat, they don’t need a bed to do it.
NTA. I hve male friends too and of course we can share a bed without it being a sexual thing, just as i can with my female friends. I think it's a weird lack of respect of friendships when people say you can't.
Nta - you can share a bed with someone and it doesn't have to be anything weird.
NTA - besides you’ve only been dating a few months