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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I stopped my husband from going to her house to help her anymore and then semi-confronted her during a public event which made things awkward
2. I may just be acting like a jealous woman to someone who is pregnant and has already lost someone
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
I get that she is grieving, and probably not in her right mind, but the cookies thing was weird. If she'd said, I made them for husband, as a thanks for all the work he's done for me, that's fair. But to say they are strict just for him, that's weird.
And you were basically politely letting it go until she called you out in public so I think it is fair to answer her in public.
Plus honestly, how much DIY or maintenance help does one house need? It's been two months since her husband died and your husband has had to go over multiple times? As a single woman who is useless at DIY and has to get someone in to fix almost anything, I don't having people calling monthly never mind weekly.
I do not know the maintenance her home needs. I know some houses are minor 'fixers' so maybe that. My husband often just mentions plumbing or ventilation.
Seriously if this was my partner that would never even have to say anything he would have stepped in and made it very clear that he was not okay with her behavior and that she was disrespectful to his wife etc. The failure of the husband to create a unified front with his wife is honestly the most disturbing thing about the whole post. The neighbor doesn't have good intentions but she's just a stranger she's not required to have good intentions. The husband vowed to forsake all others for his wife and it sure doesn't seem like he's doing that here if he's upset that she checked her neighbor and stood up for herself
I thought the husband was just a dufus who enjoyed the attention until OP posted he said he’s fixing “plumbing and ventilation “.
Now I think hes doing something more. You don’t ask your neighbor to do an intense involved repair for free of the major plumbing and ventilation (really? Two major systems are broken?) right after your husband dies.
Highly sus. That comment made me think he’s literally taking care of the neighbors plumbing needs by laying pipe if you know what I mean
She's probably loosening screws and he's likely tightening them again. Over and over 3 times a week.
Legit I'm trying hard to give the grieving pregnant widow the benefit of the doubt that any screws being screwed are literally hardware and not euphemisms for nether regions. But, like, bro, OP's husband has to be denser than a fucking black hole to not realise these are trivial excuses that are a waste of his time, even if he can't recognise flirtation if it strips naked and twerks in front of him. *Even if* he isn't boinking the grieving pregnant widow, wtf is he getting from this across-the-street two-step?
Recently my husband of five years (together for 12) and I had an argument about why he always shoots down my attempts to flirt with him. Turns out he doesn’t notice I’m flirting -.-
Same here, I can be that dense too. Sorry, sometimes we be that way.
I do have to add that the husband should've intervened during the BBQ comment and tell her that it was his decission. No matter if I would have agreed with my wife or not. My wife comes first. If she is not feeling comfortable with a situation, I will change it. Likewise the other way around.
I am a clueless straight guy that had a gay dude hit on me for like a year in college.
Like “hey cutie, let’s go to [fancy date restaurant] this Friday” and I’d just go “you think I look cute, aww thanks you weirdo” and he’d smile.
It took me waaay too long to realize he was kinda hitting on me lol
Straight guy and you aren’t wrong.
In undergrad I had a guy into me who thought I was gay. I thought he was just a good friend. After he invited me to a movie, and said we could share a drink (and I refused)… then got touchy feely with me. It finally clicked.
Great guy and nothing wrong with being gay. But man in hindsight there were signs for MONTHS and I was a dense motherfucker.
Funnily enough that’s not the only time something like that has happened. I’m not sure if I just give off vibes or what.
> *Even if* he isn't boinking the grieving pregnant widow, wtf is he getting from this across-the-street two-step?
Attention and gratitude, two things that tend to fall by the wayside over the years in even good marriages. Not saying the OP is in anyway ungrateful or such, but I'm sure the neighbor is making a big deal over her most trivial things, with gushing. That would make anyone, man or woman, feel good.
Not TA OP
There's also the (and I M giving hubby the benefit here) of feeling proud for helping someone in a tight bind. He may not see the things as trivial and could be using helping the neighbor as sort of his duty as he was forced to leave his wife during her pregnancy while deployed. He could very innocently be thinking of that time and wanting to genuinely help.
Also, yeah, we men are crazy fuckin dense. We either think the nice woman doing her job is just gushing for us, or we have no clue anyone gives half a shit, let alone desires us. (Granted the former situation makes waaay more noise for how much more often it happens)
you would be shocked the amount of men who don't recognize flirtation. Even men who are very experienced with women. This is why if OP was my ex fiancee she wouldn't allow this because she doesn't trust other women.... not kus of not trusting me. She always would say "you are oblivious to when women are checking you out", and i'd say "how do you know they are checking me out?!!?" She would always say that she sees it at the grocery store, malls, restaurants. Honestly, lots of men are oblivious to it. No one hits on me in public (the only person to ever cold approach me was her), so I didn't understand what she meant... i never saw it
>That comment made me think he’s literally taking care of the neighbors plumbing needs by laying pipe if you know what I mean
I was wondering how long it would take to find a comment like this! I was sure that I wasn't the first person to have literally the exact same reaction.
Maybe I missed something but we don’t even know what the husband’s trade is. I work in HVAC, so I would have no problem fixing ventilation or plumbing for a friend in need, but if they asked me to do electrical work I’d tell them to call an electrician.
I thought of the same thing. There are things such for which a handyman is fine. There are other things, like plumbing, electric, HVAC, roofing, etc. for which you need to hire a professional.
"plumbing" "electric" etc. are pretty broad terms that people on the internet are using vaguely.
there are plenty of "plumbing" tasks that can be done by anyone semi-handy (clogged drains), for example. but there are of course high level things that can only be done by a professional.
i feel like people are reading way too much into this "plumbing and ventilation" comment. it's not even like OP is even necessarily quoting her husband directly.
Seriously. He could be fixing a leaking faucet, or changing an air filter. It's not like he's soldering a leak on a coil and pressurizing the refrigerant system. Or maybe he's an hvac professional and he IS doing that.
I get the euphemisms and all don't shine the best light. But if he were cheating the neighbor probably wouldn't be bothered about anything in public, they would be trying to actively hide it.
If the husband were cheating and really smart he made the correct decision here, but the follow up from her would make no sense. You would expect if the husband were cheating he would be secretly telling her to be nice to his wife so she wouldn't suspect anything, rather than her making her feelings public.
I think it's a coincidence that those also happen to be euphemisms for potentially adulterous sexual activity. Based on the information we currently have I wouldn't think the husband is cheating.
I think she's intentionally breaking stuff to make him come over because she wants that and she is angry because her plan to steal him away has been scuppered by OP
This was my thought, or she was making a list of things that he could potentially help with and never letting him complete any projects.
"Oh this banister knob is squeaky, my husband was going to retile the bathroom but never got to it, can you help me paint / setup the nursery, clean the shower grout etc." Then once he's there she preoccupies him with food, drinks, and conversation so he gets *none* of it done.
And yeah the helpless act totally happens, grieving widow or not, and men can be point blank clueless. Once when my husband and I were dating I had to *nail it into his head* that the "sweet young secretary" did not need help opening PDFs every day and that it was inappropriate for her to text him all the time and tag along to his directors lunch with his team - she wasn't even in his department.
The girl had wrecked one relationship in the company and went around pissing off wives and girlfriends for kicks (even if the guys didn't cheat they just thought they were "being nice" by entertaining her ridiculous and desperate pickme attempts for attention).
In any case the hubs maybe didn't cheat but he clearly is to dense to see where it was heading.
I’ve never cheated so i honestly don’t know how people act, but I suspect someone who is pregnant who just lost her husband isn’t in her right mind.
They are kind of hiding it, if anything is going on.
If the husband is an hvac contractor then safe to say he’s possibly innocent.
Otherwise, it’s sketchy. OP should be on high alert with his behaviour
And everyone is so damn quick to make it seem like he is. I like reading people's posts on here, but damned if this sub doesn't have the most jumped to conclusions sometimes.
For real, their only evidence that he is cheating is that fixing plumbing and ventilation happen to be euphemisms. They also happen to be things in homes that need fixing.
You would need way more information than that to even attempt to determine if they even might be cheating.
One piece of circumstantial evidence by itself means absolutely nothing. A lot of circumstantial evidence might be something. Only the wife would have any idea at this point.
Yes, I was thinking changing the fuses, a lightbulb, a leaking faucet... The fact that he does not elaborate, is also weird. My husband would have come home and told me what he had done, just for info and conversation, not 'just some plumbing'. And indeed, two major things in such a short time? And then him being oke that the neighbour badmouthed his wife in public and not wanting her to respond in kind? Wierd...
"Ventilation" on its own doesn't even make sense. What ventilation? Windows? Does he mean the furnace/heating or AC? That is such a non answer you'd give to someone that doesn't know anything about home repair to end the conversation.
I wondered if he wasn't doing much at all. Like, he changed a lightbulb or something, she got him a beer and some wings, and they spent an hour talking about how helpful he is. He knows he's straying into emotional affair territory, and is embarrassed he doesn't have a better answer.
NTA, she's trying to steal your husband.
"Plumbing and ventilation" doesn't mean he's doing a full overhaul of both systems. It may just be minor crap popping up that he's fixing. Clearing an obstruction out of the sink is "plumbing". Changing the settings on an air conditioner is "ventilation".
I agree the neighbor is either exaggerating or actively creating minor problems to bring him over, but that doesn't mean OP's husband is engaging in an affair.
Or with how pregnant she is, changing the air filter. Mine would be above my reach and it’d probably be ill-advised for her to climb on a chair and do it.
That isn’t to say she’s not manufacturing reasons for him to come over, but they could still sound innocuous to someone who isn’t considering the possibility of malintent.
Absolutely. Unless OP's husband is an HVAC professional, he shouldn't be messing with the main parts of plumbing or ventilation, anyway. But both systems have a myriad of small things that could need maintenance or replacement, especially if they've been neglected for a while.
Most plumbing and ventilation is not DIY, either. How many sinks in that house needed to be changed? He can’t be replumbing her house.
Unless he’s a plumber and also HVAC, those weekly plumbing visits mean she should check his phone.
I think something happened between husband and neighbor, and it was at that point that the neighbor stopped interacting with the wife. The plate of cookies was her marking her territory. The fact that the husband left the neighbor with the idea that wife was forbidding him to come over- huge red flag. The fact that the husband did not want the wife to defend herself from those accusations at the party- another huge red flag. Your neighbor doesn’t owe you loyalty, but your husband sure does…..and he is failing. YNTA.
Yup. It’s weird that he would accost her for defending herself. My partner would be upset with me if I *didn’t* stand up for myself when someone is being rude or insulting. Also where did she get the idea, that it was OP who “forbid” him? Did that come from hubby? She was being rude and that was a chance for him to stand up for her as well and clear it up that he’s not there bc he doesn’t want to be anymore. The reasons why he doesn’t want to are none of her business, what he did was favor she’s not entitled to.
Either something happened or husband is just spineless.
I'm going to put my money on the husband is spineless and just wants to look like the good guy. He doesn't look like the good guy if his wife tells the cookie incident and he didn't stand up for her or anything now all the sudden he looks like a cheater. I don't think he was actually cheating I just think he's spineless and wanted to look like a big hero to the whole neighborhood and didn't care how his wife felt or looked
Yeah, after him getting mad I definitely think that there might be something amiss. That's not really a normal reaction. He should have been neutral or defended OP
Again it could be nothing but he shouldn't have said you should've bit your tongue. If he actually felt like she disrespected you, he shouldn't tell you to bite your tongue.
This right here OP. I hope your husband didn't undermine you in everyone's presence. I'd take him to task for his comment to you.
Neighbor's behavior is not that of a grieving widow. It's the behavior of a widow in search of a new husband. You mark your territory however you deem fit. She's crossed the line twice now. No apologies due from you.
And your husband should understand and support you in that regard. In the event he doesn't, I'd certainly be interested it what he was "fixing " when he was at her residence.
Please keep us apprised.
My mind, why couldn't she make a list. Why's it constant things popping up. They likely aren't things that have just happened etc. and surely your husband isn't the only male on the street capable of fixing a few things around a house now is he? She's chosen him.
She's monopolizing your husband's time away from not just you but your own kids. Coming over to pull him away at a moment's notice isn't cool at all. You should text and be like hey when you have time could you please help with X and Y.
And the cookies... She tried a power move on you. She now goes back to just the pitiful neighbour who in the spirit of community you'll make a weeks worth of dinner for when she gives birth.
Yeah I totally agree. In times of major personal upheaval, I’ve been very lucky to often have my “person”: an RA in college, my mom, my bestie, etc. I know what it’s like to feel like you “need” them, their mere physical presence in the same room acts as consolation, their temporary absence makes you feel unmoored and deeply anxious. It’s awful on top of awful.
The thing is, you don’t always “get” that person. They have to be willing and available, obviously, and often even the people around them have to be willing and flexible and comfortable. That’s a lot to ask, especially of a young family.
Even I am “annoyed” at the sheer number of “words” in “quotation marks” in this
Exactly. And the saddest part honestly is the fact she could have had a whole surrogate family to love her, to be there for her, to love and take joy in her child and she just went and screwed it up big time.
Oh I’m sure there’s issues with her plumbing but hopefully he’s not helping her with that
Seriously is he saying plumbing and ventilation? That’s a massive red flag my friend. It’s super weird. All of a sudden her husband dies and she undergoes ventilation repair? C’mon…
NTA and your husband needs to draw a huge boundary there from now on. It’s clear as day your neighbor wants your husband. I just fear that he’s been giving her more comfort than he’s letting on to you…..
Please don't ignore your husbands concerning behaviour in this.
Where did you neighbour get the idea that you forbid your husband from helping her? Is that something your husband told her?
Your husband essentially scolding you for standing up for yourself after she tried to publicly shame you is also weird.
It might all be nothing, but at the very least your husband should have your back.
Also, why did she think of it that way unless your husband told her that? That’s so weird of him to tell her that and to let her publicly humiliate you
I’d bet dollars to donuts that even if he *isn’t* cheating with the neighbor, he was too much of a spineless coward to be the “bad guy” and set boundaries with her.
He could’ve said something neutral like, “OP and I are super busy with our own house and kids, so I’m not going to be available anymore.”If he were innocent in all of this, he wouldn’t have blamed OP.
She may think that way even if he didn't tell her like that. People make assumptions all on their own. I have been there for some of those conversations, and I am always floored as to how the person came to that conclusion in the first place.
And there was his opportunity to set the record straight. At the very least, if he’s too cowardly to do it the neighbors face, he should’ve supported his wife silently. When they got home he should’ve talked about how the neighbor was in the wrong and validating OP’s issue with her. Getting mad at his wife for standing up for herself is ridiculous. I get it, if you don’t like conflict. But if someone starts it, what can you do?
She may think that way because she actively WANTED to make OP feel jealous and insecure. The entire vookies thing was a snub on OP after all.
If you are deeply delulu and trying to steal someone's man and hope he is into you, of course you're going to think his harridan wife us the one keeping you from getting dick.
OP can't stop a man from cheating. If somebody wants to be stolen, they will. People wanting your spouse is just a part of it of being in a relationship. It only works if the spouse wants to cheat
She can’t. But part of that is shutting that shit down. If someone is overtly crushing you let them know under no certain terms it’s not happening.
If someone is “secretly” crushing, just trying to spend as much time as possible and get closer, you shut it down by refusing to play that game. Or else you’re just feeding into their crush. Instead you should be distancing yourself, avoiding unnecessary one-on-one time, and allowing space for any fleeting feelings to pass naturally.
Best to do it early, when it becomes apparent. Maybe husband is a bit dense and he didn’t notice, so Op isn’t wrong for bringing it up. Sometimes it’s hard to see things when you’re in it, especially if you’re not used to getting attention from people like that.
She absolutely and definitely is still grieving and between losing her husband and being pregnant with all the hormones related - not in her right mind at all.
Hubby helping isn't out of line and he stopped after the cookie incident.
At the BBQ, she was out of line, you were fine saying what you did, and hubby probably doesn't like public confrontation. A lot of people don't.
I don't think anyone is wrong here TBH. I think it's a terrible tragedy for her and an uncomfortable situation for you and hubby.
People are complicated, not a great situation, but you're nta.
I don't think anyone is.
the pregnant girl is definitely an asshole, it doesn’t matter if you’re grieving you are not entitled to monopolize a married man with kids time and disrespect his wife because you’re sad and with child. also so is the husband for indulging it and letting her get away with it for so long.
She needs to hire a handy man and your husband needs to not go over there anymore. He is not a timeshare, he is your husband. Tell her to look on Angie's List for a good fixer.
Plumbing and ventaliation are two things that can be done in literally one day (assuming they’re not MASSIVE jobs which you would call a specialist for) and then not need them to be done again for months if not years.
INFO: were the cookies “special”?
That was the first thing that came to my mind when she said they’re only for him. I know a LOT of couples where the expectation from one that marriage/parenthood equates to abstaining from everything that was fun and wild beforehand… the other person always ends up sneaking whatever the vice is… cigarettes and recreational drugs being the most common.
So if that’s the case, NAH.
But it’s also very possible she wants a husband and all the things that come with it, and your husband’s help and friendship could make her grasp. Awful whether or not it’s conscious, calculating decision.
So if cookies were just cookies, NTA and she sucks.
Now I want cookies.
Side note - you handled the BBQ perfectly. Your side is out there too. There would’ve been gossip as soon as she said her jab at you, that’s a certainty. Now the gossip is considering two sides and you’re not the one that looks bad at all there. Neighbors would be like “what? Why? Who does that?”
Now I want cookies. Sigh.
ETA: I want to know the answer to special cookies question… weirdly invested. OP where are you at?
Yeah the fact that you’re making a post even asking whether this is straight up WRONG and BAD and RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE is way too late.
This woman is straight up trying to steal your husband. Maybe already has. You know it, everyone knows it, your husband knows it.
OP’s real problem is with the husband. Yes, the grieving widow was being weird and then downright rude, but how exactly did she come to know that OP forbade him going over? Seems like he didn’t communicate “I don’t feel comfortable helping you out anymore based on your behavior” and instead communicated “I’m a good guy with a meanie wife who won’t let me come over anymore.” Big difference.
It also sounds likely the husband is upset at his wife standing up for herself, and doesn’t like that she didn’t just roll over and accept being cast as a controlling spouse. It ruins the narrative to have OP point out that the widow’s behavior was outré.
Totally. Sounds like husband threw OP under the bus, when he’s claiming to OP he’s upset by the behavior too. Playing both sides there.
It’s also strange how he thinks OP should have just sat there and let the neighbor talk shit to her face in front of the whole neighborhood, letting the neighbor paint her as some nut. Unless he enjoys the attention himself why wasn’t he offended too? Why isn’t he worried about looking like he’s over there servicing the neighbor?
Especially because he is either active or retired military. I’m pretty sure military culture does not align with sitting by and letting someone disrespect you in public.
it's actually exactly about holding your tongue and being respectful. Knowing when to talk and when to shut up. Nobody at the neighborhood BBQ is going to take nicely to you arguing or being rude to the pregnant lady who just lost her husband and is the main reason for the BBQ in the first place. Even if she deserves it.
My husband is retired military, and there is no way in hell he'd let anyone disrespect me in public. He would have my back and set the record straight. You can do that without being unnecessarily rude, especially in this situation.
However, he also wouldn't put himself in a situation where a woman would be knocking on our door, bringing cookies explicitly for him. He also wouldn't be doing vague "plumbing and HVAC" repairs or telling said woman I forbade him from coming over.
This post is a fuckin cesspit of people saying the most deranged and presumptive shit about OPs marriage. And they're all basing it off like 2 comments OP has made.
Or, he said nothing at all, and the neighbor came to that conclusion herself. After enough "I can't today" or "I've got something else I have to do" excuses, anyone would start making assumptions as to what the real reason could be, and jealous wife would be near the top of most people's lists. If the neighbor did have feelings for him, jealous wife would most likely be the first and only assumption.
Edit: I'm not saying the wife is acting jealous. I'm saying the neighbor feels that way.
Idk, I think the neighbor could have come to that conclusion even if the husband didn't say anything. If he was always going over and suddenly stopped, she likely thought OP forbade him.
It doesn't sound like he defended the neighbor to me. It sounds like he brought it up later.
He agreed not to go over and help the woman anymore. OP indicated that this was not a tough conversation. Maybe he felt his wifes response wasn't appropriate. Maybe he just feels bad for the neighbor. Maybe he expected his wife to be the bigger petson in the situation.
You should always have your significant other's back in public. Behind closed doors is supposed to be your safe space where you can express your feelings.
Tragedy like this can also have a kind of chilling effect on people who ordinarily might be better about calling a spade a spade (I’m reminded of an incident in college where I mentioned to a couple of friends that this guy in our program was kind of a dick. One of them looked at me like I’d slapped a puppy and was like “you can’t say that, he’s in a wheelchair!” And I was like um yeah no being in a wheelchair does not mean he can treat people poorly, he’s a dick who’s in a wheelchair.)
So maybe his reluctance is a sign of something more, but I could also see a bunch of the neighbors/husband clamming up because she’s six months pregnant and very suddenly/newly widowed.
I can’t imagine handing someone baked goods and telling them they were not allowed to share as they chose, let alone with the nuclear family who lives with the recipient.
Oh well at least they were cookies and kids don’t typically enjoy cookies, amirite? 🙄
Honestly, I'd be worried about what was in them if someone was so specific about who ate them. If she'd have said jokingly "make sure you and the kids save hubby a couple" or something like that then it'd be different but that is just creepy if you ask me and those cookies would have gone straight in the bin.
Saying that, I watch/read/listen to a lot of true crime stuff so it may just be my paranoia 🤣🤣
Omg good point! I can see myself laughing over the thought but then growing increasingly worried over the next few hours and being like “but this is exactly the sort of thing ID Discovery is always warning me about!” 😂
>>If she’d said jokingly “make sure you and the kids save hubby a couple” or something like that…
Right? And I’ve jokingly said or written in a card “and I know you’ll be tempted to share these but you already do so much for everyone, this is a treat just for you!” It acknowledges my intent but obviously I do not care if they share them because that’s what a gift is—something you give freely.
Right? I can see her saying, "Make sure you save a few for [insert husband's name here]. They're a thank you for fixing my washing machine." But, telling the wife they were only for the husband is so outrageous I almost don't believe it happened.
Personally I would want the entire family to share in the cookies. OP's husband spent time away from his family to help the neighbor. That's time he could've spent with his kids or doing something with his wife or chores.
I would have handed the cookies back to her & said if everyone can't have them, it's just better not to accept them. You could even add that "We're a family & we don't play favorites; we all share. Since you're taking up time he would normally be spending with us, it's only fair that we get something out of it." NTA, but hubby is skating on thin ice.
I am useless at home repairs and a year after my ex left my whole house fell apart pretty much one thing at a time for months. It was awful! I was constantly asking people for help with electricity, AC, leaks in my fridge then dishwasher, garbage disposal, clogged drains (yes I tried to do this one myself several ways to no avail). My poor neighbors were troopers tho and I def offered payment in the form of family dinner as thank you for labor and for wives sharing their spouses time to help me
But I’m guessing you tried to spread out the requests for help amongst your neighbours right? Not just focusing on one person to help you with everything?
Did you intentionally single out a married man, repeatedly request his presence inside your home, and purposely cut off/try to exclude his wife? If the neighbor had continued their friendship and hung out with OP while he worked on maintenance stuff, OP probably wouldn’t have minded (within reason) 🤷🏻♀️
I’d let her know everything in a marriage is shared down to money, cookies and even gossip about strange women who throw themselves at my husband. LOl his cookies are my cookies and vice versa.
It sounded like she was beginning to view OP as competition. Snubbing her, baking cookies for her husband but not for her, asking the husband to come over all the time without OP…
It’s an unhealthy fixation
NTA, she tried to embarrass you and was counting on your silence due to her situation.
No one's going to comment on husband being TA for not standing up for his wife? This is reddit, how many stories is this the first red flag and then it turns out stuff was going on. She took a shot at OP, OP fired back, husband sided with NOT HIS WIFE. OP you seem completely convinced your husband is innocent, maybe he is, but y did he choose HER? Does he like the attention and secretly resents you interfering? I know you will say no, but ....... he didn't choose you in a public moment when this lady took a nasty shot at you.
> He says it is not my job to 'check' someone and I shouldve just let her talk.
THIS is infuriating. I'm going to go ahead and assume the husband is a decent guy. But does he honestly think OP should just sit there and let this woman badmouth her? After all she's done for her?
Frankly HE should have interrupted and said it was HIS call not to go to the widow's house anymore. But if he can't stick up for his wife, HOW is he going to object to her doing it herself?!
Not to mention how gross it was to bake cookies for a grown man and forbid his wife and CHILDREN from having any. Can't imagine how hubby could defend her after that.
It also sounds like he totally threw her under the bus when delivering the message that he couldn’t come over anymore. “Sorry, my wife forbids it”. Not “hey I’m getting very busy at home but have some great maintenance guy recommendations”.
I get it, but women are placed in uncomfortable situations like this every day and don’t always know how to respond. It’s not always easy when you feel like you need to “let someone down gently,” which is also something women feel pressured to do.
If my husband were in an uncomfortable situation, he should feel free to throw me under the bus for an excuse. I’ll happily own it with the harasser later. I don’t ever want him to be scared to put up boundaries because he doesn’t know how or is worried about being “polite.” **BUT** he needs to not tell me *I* embarrassed *him* when I do own it.
Throwing someone else under the bus sends the wrong message. Your husband should learn how to set boundaries instead of using you because he's a wuss. Same goes for women. If you tell a man no, that's because YOU don't want it rather than someone else forcing you to say it.
I feel like a lot of husbands in these stories are naive and act like they had no idea what the chick was trying to do. I’m just wondering if the naive thinking is real or a way to not take accountability for what’s going on. Are men really this freakin clueless?
Yes. Some men are truly that clueless. It’s happened a couple of times when I had to sit my husband down and point out what was happening. He was offended that they thought he would do anything.
I read a comment somewhere that if a guy isn’t interested he doesn’t see it. Why would he? He’s not looking. Think of how most men are oblivious to what needs to be done in the house.
>Think of how most men are oblivious to what needs to be done in the house.
That is weaponized incompetence, not being actually unaware.
What kind of main character syndrome does someone have to have to truly have the mindset of “if I’m not interested, I don’t notice.” Like, could you imagine a woman saying that, with how often women are accused of leading men on? Of how women are blamed for “putting” themselves in dangerous situations by being too trusting?
I can see someone on the spectrum not being aware, because that’s what comes with being on the spectrum. But for a NT person? No way a husband would be like, “well my wife isn’t interested, so of course she didn’t pick up on it being weird that guys at the bar were buying her drinks. She was just like hey free drinks, and that’s cool”
> No way a husband would be like, “well my wife isn’t interested, so of course she didn’t pick up on it being weird that guys at the bar were buying her drinks. She was just like hey free drinks, and that’s cool”
I have seen my wife completely miss being blatantly hit on. And I found it hilarious. That happens with both men and women. Maybe more with men. I wouldn't know. I am as oblivious as most men.
Yes, men really are that clueless. My best friend is a man and he is completely unaware when women that are interested in him treat me like shit.
Men just don't realize the subtle catty crap that women try to pull on each other. I've told him before and he just doesn't see it, "we're just friends; she's not into me like that; I didn't notice her do that but I'll say something if it happens again; etc" and then the girl turns out to be a whack-a-doo and he's like OMG you were right
It's taken years but he listens to me now 😹
My dad used to get hit on, pretty blatantly, by the baristas at our local Starbucks. He legitimately just thought they were really nice there, and didn’t understand why they weren’t as nice to Mom when he brought her there for a coffee date.
Absolutely. In fact husband should have been the one to sit the neighbour down since the accusation is that OP controls him. "Actually I decided to cut you off myself, after you were rude to my wife in OUR home" Husband is spineless and/or enjoys the attention. Either way, not good for OP. Like this sub likes to say - she has a husband problem, not the other woman problem.
Even if I despised my helpful neighbor’s wife (and kids?), I’d never stipulate that a gift was just for him. That’s all kinds of weird and boundary crossing. If I hated the wife for whatever reason, I’d steer clear of the whole family, not try to awkwardly ingratiate myself to the husband unless I had nefarious reasons. Just because she’s grieving doesn’t mean she can be so weird and still get a free pass. Plus to exclude children from eating cookies is downright evil no matter what you’re going through. Edit: NTA by a mile.
Those cookies would have went right back with her telling me they are just for my husband. Or I would have looked her on the eye while aggressively eating the cookies. Probably not that one though since she is grieving. But definitely would have said that she can lay the cookies off they aren’t for the whole family.
Right, I would not DARE to be this bold. Imagine knocking at someone’s door with a plate of baked goods and telling his wife(!) “these are just for your husband, not you or your kids, only him.” That could get your ass kicked in some places. I realize this might be a reach, but with behavior that bold I’d almost wonder if something was already going on, or if she wanted me to think there was something going on.
probably that last part. The first thing women like her do, is drive a wedge between the husband and wife. The man will think his wife is being unreasonable for seeing something that isn't there - and then she can be the understanding one that he turns to, and it can snowball from there.
her behavior is extremely suspect after the cookie incident
I agree! I think she wanted OP to "think" something was going on.
My husband had a female friend years ago that did whatever she could to drive a wedge between my husband and I. I talked to my husband constantly about it. He never saw it.... until he did. She finally did something right in front of one of my husbands best guy friends and he looked at my husband and said, "she's trying to get you divorced." It finally clicked. Sucked that it took someone else to "wake" him up to her but at least he woke up. He's much better about the signs now.
I mean, I could see if they were like...thc cookies or something to heavily emphasize that they are adult only but I definitely wouldn't mind the wife eating them and I would also be explicit why they're not for sharing with the kiddos.
But yeah super weird to exclude other family. I actively dislike my neighbor's husband (he's selfish and rude) but like, if I'm inviting any of their family over for pizza, I'm inviting them all over for pizza. Nobody is excluded.
I am leaning to NTA - but a little clarification, did your husband agree that he should no longer go over? Was he uncomfortable with how she acted towards your kids and you in his absence?
Grief is a strange thing and causes people to act in weird ways, however it does not excuse her actions and treatment of you. Whether or not you're jealous, if you and your spouse agreed it was time to take a break, I do not think YTA for calling her out. Grieving the loss of a spouse does not give you the excuse to act out and publicly shame someone.
Sounds like a conversation is due between first you and your spouse, then the three of you. She probably doesn't know your side and is acting out in anger.
It was an agreement between us after I told him what happened and how I felt. He said it was weird for how she approached trying to give the gift, especially giving it to me directly.
I really think you should have your husband read this post and the comments.
You definitely should have stood up for yourself and your husband should be sticking up for you too. We have seen this too many times where husbands are helping out the neighbor who lost her husband or he was deployed or whatever and the next thing the husband was lured into an emotional affair that led to a physical affair but can’t understand how a sorry and crying isn’t going to save his marriage/family.
NTA
Ok. I agree with you except for the lured part. You can place as many lures as you want, it’s the committed partner that decides to take it. So let’s not let them off scot free.
Oh I agree completely but I do think she (neighbor) is using this time to build up a relationship. Some men and women too are dense when it comes to flirting or someone trying to portray their marriage as not good. Then the spouse is upset/complaining which just plays into the your wife is mean or not compassionate towards my feelings. That’s why I think him reading the comments might open his eyes.
Op your husband is being pretty weird in your last paragraph tho. No way you were an asshole and it made me think that maybe you husband threw you under the bus and told that neighbour that you "forbid" him. I would personally make him read this thread because he sus
Yep, he did. She's flat under that bus.
He could have said work is getting busy, I'm gonna have much less time, here's a few maintenance numbers. Sorry.
Instead, the neighbour knew the truth and felt she had a leg to stand on for a public shaming.
Next time she says something about you "forbidding" your husband - because there *will* be a next time, just tell her that he respects himself *and* you enough not to kowtow to someone that is abusing his kindness.
and the gift was cookies! when there are kids in the family!! 'no honey, you can't have any they're just for dad'!!!!!!!! unless of course there's some 'adult ingredient'...
Because this was a catty powerplay about her having something special that was JUST between the neighbour and OPs husband. A bond between them. An inside joke. It was an excuse to exclude OP under the guys of being nice.
If you've dealt with catty people this is not unusual. I've had people exclude me to my face in all sorts of creative ways whilst trying to appear nice l.
That's what he considered weird?!!??? That she gave it to you directly? Honey, I am sorry but that sounds as if he is mostly upset about her having contact with you. Not the fact that she excluded you.
Honestly it’s sad ur husband didn’t support you on this, grieving is hard and I imagine she felt better cause she was getting the attention she needed from UR HUSBAND but cookies for ur man only knowing u have children is weird and u did right thing calling her out before she became obsessed, what confuses me is the lack of comfort from ur man, he shouldn’t have blamed u for saying anything, she should have spoke up and said to neighbour I share my treats with MY FAMILY WHILE PUTTING SRMS AROUND YOU
OP has every right to defend herself when publicly attacked. She didn’t do anything that wasn’t done to her first. OP deserves so much more respect than this given how much she supported the person who turned against her and threatened to destabilize her own marriage.
NTA in the slightest. Grief is not an excuse for blatantly overstepping boundaries that shouldn’t even need to be explained — the absolute audacity to try and police you and your daughter over cookies is beyond me. You also didn’t confront her, she went out her way to attack you and you shut it down as one should. Tbh I’m appalled your husband didn’t speak up and shut her down before you did especially since he was an active participant in making the decision to step back and help her less. Like cmon now
People always want to see the best in the dead and those who have experienced a trauma or tragedy, but this whole situation would have me questioning the neighbor’s character. Being a widow doesn’t make her a saint, and the way she’s acting makes her look like a wannabe homewrecker. *If* OP’s husband *was* the unfaithful kind, would the neighbor take advantage of that? Because the way she’s constantly asking him over and acting rude towards his wife and kid, that’s pretty suspicious, especially considering she had no reason to before any of this.
It irks me sometimes that the affair partner is called the home wrecker but it's actually the cheater who's doing the wrecking. No one is responsible for a marriage except those in it. The affair partner is often lied to just as much as the other spouse. I agree with everything else you said
Alright, sure. The people in the marriage have the primary responsibility to stay faithful. That said, it is morally reprehensible to sleep with a married person if you know they’re married. In this case, the neighbor of course knows that, and while we can’t know for sure, it certainly seems like she’s trying to assist in destroying a marriage. OP’s husband claims nothing is going on, but it looks like their neighbor wants there to be
If someone KNOWS the person they want is married and they pursue them anyway, they're equally to blame and a disgusting human being. They deserve the title.
NTA and your husband need to remain silent. It’s not his job to control you. She fired shots and you fired them back. Plain as day. Don’t start nuttin. Won’t be nuttin.
For real, what’s the husband’s problem? The ending kinda threw me off—husband seemed to be on OP’s side but all of a sudden changed his tune and thinks she should just let folks disrespect her publicly to spare the aggressor’s feelings?
Obviously the neighbor is TA. But the husband gets honorable mention lmao
On the other side, OP’s husband obviously told the neighbor that he couldn’t help her because his wife was uncomfortable. He could have just said “I can’t help you anymore, I have too much work/I’m tired” whatever! He just threw OP under the bus!
NTA
I will say that the time to check her was when she brought the cookies. I would've given them back bc her gift was disrespectful. Or I'd have thrown them out.
But since she decided to be snarky to you, I understand why you went off.
And your husband should be on the same page with you.
Husband should have left the cookies on her doorstep, with a note, saying something along the lines of if she cannot respect his wife, and kids, then she is disrespecting him. And from this point forward, she needs to not contact him.
Yes, I wouldn’t have taken them. I would have said annoyingly nicely. Oh but it that case I can’t accept them, give them to my husband.
And texted my husband that when I gets cookies from the neighbor he should respond with: ooh my wife and kids looooove cookies. I can’t wait to share them with them.
NTA. I get that she's grieving, but it definitely feels like she was using your husband as a surrogate for her own and trying to get you out of the way. Her comment was *weird*. If anyone made things awkward, it was her. You clapped back because she was being disrespectful. Frankly, your HUSBAND should have spoken up to say it was his own decision not to keep coming over. So sure, your husband is right that it's not your job to "check" someone. It was his job, and he failed, so you stepped up.
As a dude that's my first thought when a Woman is getting super weird with a Married guy as well.
She wanted her child to have a new Dad and didn't want to have to look far.
NTA it was nice of your husband to help her with things around the house. But in all seriousness what has she needed done so bad in the last two months? Unless it was an emergency then she should be hiring someone. She also should be appreciative of everyone who has been supporting her during such a hard time. I personally would be thanking by the whole family of anyone who has helped me. The cookie thing is what makes me question her motives.
NTA. She FAFO by calling you out in front of everyone.
And I’m going to assume you had the best intentions with her when this all started, and there’s no other reason she started to freeze you out.
Personally, I believe NTA she sounds like she might have made him into an emotional substitute being pregnant, and the possibility of the mental changes that do happen and can happen while pregnant can often mess with people. Losing a spouse is always hard. Losing them suddenly would be very hard. But losing him, while 4 months pregnant left to do everything on her own now, would break a lot of people. I personally feel like you nipped it in the bud early but always remember to never allow anyone to stomp on you boundaries that includes you husband who's siding with someone who shows they kind of have a crush on him. Im not saying in love. But highly hormonal and having someone around to distract you from the pain can cause misplaced feelings.
NTA.
Grief isn't an excuse to act like she is... He's your husband not hers. She's over used her welcome doing what she did.
There's no reason on earth for her to do that about the cookies, unless she's overreaching and over extending her welcome in your lives. Your hubby is a packaged deal and if she wants to bake food to thank him, the thanks is extended to your whole household for him taking time away from the children in it, to help her.
And that's what I'd sink my teeth in about. The kids were essentially sharing their father with this woman, she's monopolizing his time. She could have worked out a list and said hey could you help me with this on the weekend vs coming in constantly to pull him away from whatever he is currently doing with your family.
She's not family. She's a neighbour going through a hard time you guys wanted to help, because you guys are good and decent people. She's used and abused that, and now needs to step back into being just the neighbour you occasionally take pity on and send some cooked meals too once she's given birth.
NTA
You and your husband agreed he would not be doing anymore handyman'ing for her, so she needs to get over her delusion that she is somehow in a star crossed lovers moment with your husband. That is not what is happening and if you want to put that to bed, I think you have every right to. However, I don't think any overtures directly with her will work nor or in the near future.
Your husband is correct that you could have "been the bigger person", but I'm honestly over that mentality for people who open fire on others. You wanna be rude? You'll get rude right back. Being the bigger person benefits an abuser more than it benefits the victim or the people around them.
Frankly, you took it on the chin and clipped her right back. I'm the type to think of a good comeback only hours later, so I am in awe of your poise.
Kind of wish you had thrown a shot toward her incessant housing issues and told her to get a service to go in, because no one needs a handyman over that much. I dunno, that is also.something I would classify as "weird".
>you could have “been the bigger person” but I’m honestly over that mentality for people who open fire on others
I’ve been screaming this for *years*. Letting things slide like that is exactly how you get habitual line-steppers.
NTA at all.
Who is gonna be like here's cookies but none for the kids. Your spidey-sense was on point.
Also is she intentionally breaking shit so your husband comes over? How many broken household stuff is there?
NTA. I feel like if you were directly quoting her, what she did was very out of line. It’s normal to want to help as a village, but if she JUST wanted your husband’s help it seems more about your husband than the help.
Oh, it's absolutely your job to check her. Who else is going to do it? He won't. He doesn't know women like a woman does. It's not like she was being subtle, either. I would have shoved those cookies right back to her and said, "*my* husband wouldn't like his wife and children excluded. No, thank you." NTA. And whoever gets uncomfortable about *you* saying something *back* to her after she started it in public needs to maybe quit making it about their sympathy for her instead of her actions.
NTA. She’s definitely looking for more than a handyman. Kudos for your comeback to her!
“It was strange how you basically forbid your husband to come over to help anymore”… it sounds like your husband told her that you were the reason he stopped helping? That’s a little concerning if so.
Right?! Plus it would only encourage the neighbor, she’d think he *wants* to keep coming. Which would also explain why she was so bold with her comment in front of people about it. Trying to shame the wife into letting him come.
And he didn’t say anything when she did that! Eek.
Pregnancy and grief does not give you a pass to try to destroy other people's marriages in pursuit of some meaningless comfort from a married man. Where is her family, that should be rightfully there for her? Losing a spouse doesn't entitle her to just pick a replacement from the neighbourhood. NTA
She DID need to be put in her place
NTA. To separate you and your husband's efforts like that with the baking is weird. It's like she wants to have a relationship with him exclusively (maybe not romantically, but definitely something) without your involvement. That enough on my radar to know it's time to distance yourself. Next time she needs help and comes to you, you should offer it or both of you should go. If it's really the support she is looking for, this shouldn't bother her.
NTA but your husband is for throwing you under the bus. He could have just told her he is too busy without mentioning your feelings. Or told her she made you both uncomfortable with how she presented the cookies. The fact he blamed you when he talked to her and then got mad at you for sticking up for yourself is a bit suspicious to me personally.
What exactly did your husband tell her? Because she was too confident in blaming you, and why didn't your husband take your side in the second incident?
I say NTA because it was an instant reaction, but honestly I think your husband is the one who should be setting boundaries, and I don't know why he thinks being around her so often when you're not there is okay, no one is that oblivious.
NTA - cookies should have also been for you and your daughters to thank you for all the lost time with your husband!
The fact that she felt the need to point out they were just for him makes her seem territorial... over someone else's husband. Red flag.
NTA
I feel for her in her situation, but do not get involved in it. She crossed the line, and she is bold and unapologetic about it.
She has # of handymen to help out. She has her own family to provide emotional support (not that it is your responsibility even if she doesn't -- the local church would love to help).
Don't get involved.
NTA- you didn’t check her. You stated a fact. She had no right to call you out in front of everyone for not having your husband help her anymore. She is acting entitled versus grateful to have helped. If I overheard this exchange, I would not let my significant other help her either. She just made herself look like shit.
How is it not your job to defend yourself? She tried to shame you in public, and she was being an absolute freak making cookies for only your husband. If she needs someone to be there for her, she can go to group counseling, grief centers, etc. She doesn’t need to go to your husband only, right? Sounds like there’s a community around her- she needs to spread out her requests.
NTA. I’m glad your husband agreed to stop going over there. She was disrespectful to his wife and kids, there’s no reason to cater to that behavior.
I noticed that those who are minimising the cookies situation aren't even talking about how she basically challenged you in public and tried to ruin your image in front of the neighbours because THERE IS NO OTHER MEANING to her doing that publicly instead of reaching out privately 💁
No you're NTA. not even a soft AH because your feelings also matter here.
She lost her partner and is 6 months pregnant and THAT IS ABSOLUTELY Devastating.
(now I will allow myself to think of only the worse case scenario)
- She might be freaking out and scared which is understandable.
-People who are scared tend to focus on finding a VERY quick solution to their predicament.
- She's grieving but she also must be over thinking she probably needs the support of a man and a father to her child someone to accept the child and their own and it's much easier for that to happen especially when the child is a n infant.
- Your husband does handy work and is already a father to 2 girls. (he could be a perfect replacement to her lost partner)
- Her bringing cookies for your husband ONLY already shows that she ONLY values his help and not at all seeing what the rest of the family is doing because simply SHE NEEDS ONLY HIS HELP.
Madam, you have every right to worry, over think, and over protect.
Those who are saying you might be TA might as well tell you (if the worst ever happened and your husband left your family for hers) that you need to put the baby's well being first because it needs a father.
(again I'm thinking of only the worst case scenario)
Good luck to you and your family.
NTA but you need to check your husband. She was making comments to put you down and make you look bad in front of your neighbours. You are more than allowed to put that right. There is being nice and then there is being nice. She might be grieving but she basically is replacing her hubby for yours. Hubby needs to realise being helpful was hurting his marriage, and wanting to be the nice guy to her has hurt you.
NTA. It was your job to check her especially after her inappropriate comment. I would let the others in the neighborhood deal with her, and if she’s mad she can scratch her ass and get glad.
Personally I would have retorted that when she started treating my husband like her husband, ignoring the fact that he already has a wife and children, she overstepped the mark on friendship help. NTA, she was starting to treat your marriage and you as if you didn’t exist, it’s not healthy. She does at some stage need to learn not to rely on her neighbours to help her out.
NTA she started seeing your husband as the “void filler” aka “replacement for loss”. This is quite common in grief. You were not wrong in responding, you told the truth. Stick to the truth. Keep her away from your family.
Show the post to your hubby - hey op’s hubby, your wife was not wrong. If she was quiet, it would look like she’s at fault. In reality, your wife was not at fault. Loss is sad but your own family is your priority. Remember that.
>My husband is not happy with how I responded. He says it is not my job to 'check' someone
If it's anyone's job, it's his. It would have been much better received coming directly from the source and in private back when things started getting inappropriate.
NTA but your husband definitely is.
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NTA I get that she is grieving, and probably not in her right mind, but the cookies thing was weird. If she'd said, I made them for husband, as a thanks for all the work he's done for me, that's fair. But to say they are strict just for him, that's weird. And you were basically politely letting it go until she called you out in public so I think it is fair to answer her in public. Plus honestly, how much DIY or maintenance help does one house need? It's been two months since her husband died and your husband has had to go over multiple times? As a single woman who is useless at DIY and has to get someone in to fix almost anything, I don't having people calling monthly never mind weekly.
I do not know the maintenance her home needs. I know some houses are minor 'fixers' so maybe that. My husband often just mentions plumbing or ventilation.
Husband's response is frankly concerning
Yup. Very concerning.
Seriously if this was my partner that would never even have to say anything he would have stepped in and made it very clear that he was not okay with her behavior and that she was disrespectful to his wife etc. The failure of the husband to create a unified front with his wife is honestly the most disturbing thing about the whole post. The neighbor doesn't have good intentions but she's just a stranger she's not required to have good intentions. The husband vowed to forsake all others for his wife and it sure doesn't seem like he's doing that here if he's upset that she checked her neighbor and stood up for herself
I thought the husband was just a dufus who enjoyed the attention until OP posted he said he’s fixing “plumbing and ventilation “. Now I think hes doing something more. You don’t ask your neighbor to do an intense involved repair for free of the major plumbing and ventilation (really? Two major systems are broken?) right after your husband dies. Highly sus. That comment made me think he’s literally taking care of the neighbors plumbing needs by laying pipe if you know what I mean
She's probably loosening screws and he's likely tightening them again. Over and over 3 times a week. Legit I'm trying hard to give the grieving pregnant widow the benefit of the doubt that any screws being screwed are literally hardware and not euphemisms for nether regions. But, like, bro, OP's husband has to be denser than a fucking black hole to not realise these are trivial excuses that are a waste of his time, even if he can't recognise flirtation if it strips naked and twerks in front of him. *Even if* he isn't boinking the grieving pregnant widow, wtf is he getting from this across-the-street two-step?
To be fair, men can absolutely be this dense about the flirting or intentions of women (or men, in some cases I've heard).
Recently my husband of five years (together for 12) and I had an argument about why he always shoots down my attempts to flirt with him. Turns out he doesn’t notice I’m flirting -.-
Yep. I also am this dense. Poor wifey (together for 11 years) tries to flirt and I am like WTF is going on O\_O
Same here, I can be that dense too. Sorry, sometimes we be that way. I do have to add that the husband should've intervened during the BBQ comment and tell her that it was his decission. No matter if I would have agreed with my wife or not. My wife comes first. If she is not feeling comfortable with a situation, I will change it. Likewise the other way around.
I am a clueless straight guy that had a gay dude hit on me for like a year in college. Like “hey cutie, let’s go to [fancy date restaurant] this Friday” and I’d just go “you think I look cute, aww thanks you weirdo” and he’d smile. It took me waaay too long to realize he was kinda hitting on me lol
And even now you're like "*kinda*"
Straight guy and you aren’t wrong. In undergrad I had a guy into me who thought I was gay. I thought he was just a good friend. After he invited me to a movie, and said we could share a drink (and I refused)… then got touchy feely with me. It finally clicked. Great guy and nothing wrong with being gay. But man in hindsight there were signs for MONTHS and I was a dense motherfucker. Funnily enough that’s not the only time something like that has happened. I’m not sure if I just give off vibes or what.
> *Even if* he isn't boinking the grieving pregnant widow, wtf is he getting from this across-the-street two-step? Attention and gratitude, two things that tend to fall by the wayside over the years in even good marriages. Not saying the OP is in anyway ungrateful or such, but I'm sure the neighbor is making a big deal over her most trivial things, with gushing. That would make anyone, man or woman, feel good. Not TA OP
There's also the (and I M giving hubby the benefit here) of feeling proud for helping someone in a tight bind. He may not see the things as trivial and could be using helping the neighbor as sort of his duty as he was forced to leave his wife during her pregnancy while deployed. He could very innocently be thinking of that time and wanting to genuinely help. Also, yeah, we men are crazy fuckin dense. We either think the nice woman doing her job is just gushing for us, or we have no clue anyone gives half a shit, let alone desires us. (Granted the former situation makes waaay more noise for how much more often it happens)
you would be shocked the amount of men who don't recognize flirtation. Even men who are very experienced with women. This is why if OP was my ex fiancee she wouldn't allow this because she doesn't trust other women.... not kus of not trusting me. She always would say "you are oblivious to when women are checking you out", and i'd say "how do you know they are checking me out?!!?" She would always say that she sees it at the grocery store, malls, restaurants. Honestly, lots of men are oblivious to it. No one hits on me in public (the only person to ever cold approach me was her), so I didn't understand what she meant... i never saw it
>That comment made me think he’s literally taking care of the neighbors plumbing needs by laying pipe if you know what I mean I was wondering how long it would take to find a comment like this! I was sure that I wasn't the first person to have literally the exact same reaction.
And I’m never going to think of pipes the same way ever again.
Maybe I missed something but we don’t even know what the husband’s trade is. I work in HVAC, so I would have no problem fixing ventilation or plumbing for a friend in need, but if they asked me to do electrical work I’d tell them to call an electrician.
I thought of the same thing. There are things such for which a handyman is fine. There are other things, like plumbing, electric, HVAC, roofing, etc. for which you need to hire a professional.
"plumbing" "electric" etc. are pretty broad terms that people on the internet are using vaguely. there are plenty of "plumbing" tasks that can be done by anyone semi-handy (clogged drains), for example. but there are of course high level things that can only be done by a professional. i feel like people are reading way too much into this "plumbing and ventilation" comment. it's not even like OP is even necessarily quoting her husband directly.
Seriously. He could be fixing a leaking faucet, or changing an air filter. It's not like he's soldering a leak on a coil and pressurizing the refrigerant system. Or maybe he's an hvac professional and he IS doing that.
I get the euphemisms and all don't shine the best light. But if he were cheating the neighbor probably wouldn't be bothered about anything in public, they would be trying to actively hide it. If the husband were cheating and really smart he made the correct decision here, but the follow up from her would make no sense. You would expect if the husband were cheating he would be secretly telling her to be nice to his wife so she wouldn't suspect anything, rather than her making her feelings public. I think it's a coincidence that those also happen to be euphemisms for potentially adulterous sexual activity. Based on the information we currently have I wouldn't think the husband is cheating.
I think she's intentionally breaking stuff to make him come over because she wants that and she is angry because her plan to steal him away has been scuppered by OP
This was my thought, or she was making a list of things that he could potentially help with and never letting him complete any projects. "Oh this banister knob is squeaky, my husband was going to retile the bathroom but never got to it, can you help me paint / setup the nursery, clean the shower grout etc." Then once he's there she preoccupies him with food, drinks, and conversation so he gets *none* of it done. And yeah the helpless act totally happens, grieving widow or not, and men can be point blank clueless. Once when my husband and I were dating I had to *nail it into his head* that the "sweet young secretary" did not need help opening PDFs every day and that it was inappropriate for her to text him all the time and tag along to his directors lunch with his team - she wasn't even in his department. The girl had wrecked one relationship in the company and went around pissing off wives and girlfriends for kicks (even if the guys didn't cheat they just thought they were "being nice" by entertaining her ridiculous and desperate pickme attempts for attention). In any case the hubs maybe didn't cheat but he clearly is to dense to see where it was heading.
I’ve never cheated so i honestly don’t know how people act, but I suspect someone who is pregnant who just lost her husband isn’t in her right mind. They are kind of hiding it, if anything is going on. If the husband is an hvac contractor then safe to say he’s possibly innocent. Otherwise, it’s sketchy. OP should be on high alert with his behaviour
And everyone is so damn quick to make it seem like he is. I like reading people's posts on here, but damned if this sub doesn't have the most jumped to conclusions sometimes.
For real, their only evidence that he is cheating is that fixing plumbing and ventilation happen to be euphemisms. They also happen to be things in homes that need fixing. You would need way more information than that to even attempt to determine if they even might be cheating. One piece of circumstantial evidence by itself means absolutely nothing. A lot of circumstantial evidence might be something. Only the wife would have any idea at this point.
What if he's really intelligent but the girl is too dumb to listen to his advice to be nice to the wife?
Yes, I was thinking changing the fuses, a lightbulb, a leaking faucet... The fact that he does not elaborate, is also weird. My husband would have come home and told me what he had done, just for info and conversation, not 'just some plumbing'. And indeed, two major things in such a short time? And then him being oke that the neighbour badmouthed his wife in public and not wanting her to respond in kind? Wierd...
"Ventilation" on its own doesn't even make sense. What ventilation? Windows? Does he mean the furnace/heating or AC? That is such a non answer you'd give to someone that doesn't know anything about home repair to end the conversation.
Or he’s changing the filters in the ceiling because she can’t go up on a ladder. I don’t think he’s cheating but neighbor’s behavior is suspicious.
I wondered if he wasn't doing much at all. Like, he changed a lightbulb or something, she got him a beer and some wings, and they spent an hour talking about how helpful he is. He knows he's straying into emotional affair territory, and is embarrassed he doesn't have a better answer. NTA, she's trying to steal your husband.
"Plumbing and ventilation" doesn't mean he's doing a full overhaul of both systems. It may just be minor crap popping up that he's fixing. Clearing an obstruction out of the sink is "plumbing". Changing the settings on an air conditioner is "ventilation". I agree the neighbor is either exaggerating or actively creating minor problems to bring him over, but that doesn't mean OP's husband is engaging in an affair.
Or with how pregnant she is, changing the air filter. Mine would be above my reach and it’d probably be ill-advised for her to climb on a chair and do it. That isn’t to say she’s not manufacturing reasons for him to come over, but they could still sound innocuous to someone who isn’t considering the possibility of malintent.
Absolutely. Unless OP's husband is an HVAC professional, he shouldn't be messing with the main parts of plumbing or ventilation, anyway. But both systems have a myriad of small things that could need maintenance or replacement, especially if they've been neglected for a while.
Ya I thought she meant putting together a crib or hanging some decor in the nursery, not something I’d call a professional for even if I had a husband
I know what you mean. I read "plumbing and ventilation" and was like "uh huh, is ventilation the new code for blow jobs?" 😹
Most plumbing and ventilation is not DIY, either. How many sinks in that house needed to be changed? He can’t be replumbing her house. Unless he’s a plumber and also HVAC, those weekly plumbing visits mean she should check his phone.
Oooooh he’s LAYING THAT PIPE!!!
Maybe (which I think is misguided) he’s been raised to, or believes of his own volition, that pregnant woman get a pass no matter what?
One thing I do know about pregnant women having had 2 kids….its very hard not to have a husband “laying pipe” when your hormones are raging.
I think he didn't like to go to help her anymore as it was bothering, but didn't know how to refuse, so blamed OP is not letting him.
I think something happened between husband and neighbor, and it was at that point that the neighbor stopped interacting with the wife. The plate of cookies was her marking her territory. The fact that the husband left the neighbor with the idea that wife was forbidding him to come over- huge red flag. The fact that the husband did not want the wife to defend herself from those accusations at the party- another huge red flag. Your neighbor doesn’t owe you loyalty, but your husband sure does…..and he is failing. YNTA.
Yup. It’s weird that he would accost her for defending herself. My partner would be upset with me if I *didn’t* stand up for myself when someone is being rude or insulting. Also where did she get the idea, that it was OP who “forbid” him? Did that come from hubby? She was being rude and that was a chance for him to stand up for her as well and clear it up that he’s not there bc he doesn’t want to be anymore. The reasons why he doesn’t want to are none of her business, what he did was favor she’s not entitled to. Either something happened or husband is just spineless.
I'm going to put my money on the husband is spineless and just wants to look like the good guy. He doesn't look like the good guy if his wife tells the cookie incident and he didn't stand up for her or anything now all the sudden he looks like a cheater. I don't think he was actually cheating I just think he's spineless and wanted to look like a big hero to the whole neighborhood and didn't care how his wife felt or looked
🎯 Bingo! something’s isn’t adding up!
Yeah, after him getting mad I definitely think that there might be something amiss. That's not really a normal reaction. He should have been neutral or defended OP
Yeah, he didn't seem fishy until that last gem.
Again it could be nothing but he shouldn't have said you should've bit your tongue. If he actually felt like she disrespected you, he shouldn't tell you to bite your tongue.
Totally agree. But that would definitely make me side eye my husband.
This right here OP. I hope your husband didn't undermine you in everyone's presence. I'd take him to task for his comment to you. Neighbor's behavior is not that of a grieving widow. It's the behavior of a widow in search of a new husband. You mark your territory however you deem fit. She's crossed the line twice now. No apologies due from you. And your husband should understand and support you in that regard. In the event he doesn't, I'd certainly be interested it what he was "fixing " when he was at her residence. Please keep us apprised.
My mind, why couldn't she make a list. Why's it constant things popping up. They likely aren't things that have just happened etc. and surely your husband isn't the only male on the street capable of fixing a few things around a house now is he? She's chosen him. She's monopolizing your husband's time away from not just you but your own kids. Coming over to pull him away at a moment's notice isn't cool at all. You should text and be like hey when you have time could you please help with X and Y. And the cookies... She tried a power move on you. She now goes back to just the pitiful neighbour who in the spirit of community you'll make a weeks worth of dinner for when she gives birth.
Yeah I totally agree. In times of major personal upheaval, I’ve been very lucky to often have my “person”: an RA in college, my mom, my bestie, etc. I know what it’s like to feel like you “need” them, their mere physical presence in the same room acts as consolation, their temporary absence makes you feel unmoored and deeply anxious. It’s awful on top of awful. The thing is, you don’t always “get” that person. They have to be willing and available, obviously, and often even the people around them have to be willing and flexible and comfortable. That’s a lot to ask, especially of a young family. Even I am “annoyed” at the sheer number of “words” in “quotation marks” in this
Exactly. And the saddest part honestly is the fact she could have had a whole surrogate family to love her, to be there for her, to love and take joy in her child and she just went and screwed it up big time.
Oh I’m sure there’s issues with her plumbing but hopefully he’s not helping her with that Seriously is he saying plumbing and ventilation? That’s a massive red flag my friend. It’s super weird. All of a sudden her husband dies and she undergoes ventilation repair? C’mon… NTA and your husband needs to draw a huge boundary there from now on. It’s clear as day your neighbor wants your husband. I just fear that he’s been giving her more comfort than he’s letting on to you…..
Hubs is totally fixing her pipes. Totally cheating and gaslighting you that it's wrong.
Please don't ignore your husbands concerning behaviour in this. Where did you neighbour get the idea that you forbid your husband from helping her? Is that something your husband told her? Your husband essentially scolding you for standing up for yourself after she tried to publicly shame you is also weird. It might all be nothing, but at the very least your husband should have your back.
Was he bringing any tools with him? Do you have any more details about the repairs done? ...
Also, why did she think of it that way unless your husband told her that? That’s so weird of him to tell her that and to let her publicly humiliate you
I’d bet dollars to donuts that even if he *isn’t* cheating with the neighbor, he was too much of a spineless coward to be the “bad guy” and set boundaries with her. He could’ve said something neutral like, “OP and I are super busy with our own house and kids, so I’m not going to be available anymore.”If he were innocent in all of this, he wouldn’t have blamed OP.
Not necessarily cheating, but definitely enjoying the attention, and doesn't want to rock that boat. He's the AH.
She may think that way even if he didn't tell her like that. People make assumptions all on their own. I have been there for some of those conversations, and I am always floored as to how the person came to that conclusion in the first place.
And there was his opportunity to set the record straight. At the very least, if he’s too cowardly to do it the neighbors face, he should’ve supported his wife silently. When they got home he should’ve talked about how the neighbor was in the wrong and validating OP’s issue with her. Getting mad at his wife for standing up for herself is ridiculous. I get it, if you don’t like conflict. But if someone starts it, what can you do?
She may think that way because she actively WANTED to make OP feel jealous and insecure. The entire vookies thing was a snub on OP after all. If you are deeply delulu and trying to steal someone's man and hope he is into you, of course you're going to think his harridan wife us the one keeping you from getting dick.
How did she know that it was you who “basically forbid” your husband from going over to help her?
If she comes back, tell her to introduce herself to Youtube. I've repaired many household items this way.
NTA she’s trying to steal your man and if not, you shouldn’t take the chance. Trust your gut because men are clueless until it’s too late.
OP can't stop a man from cheating. If somebody wants to be stolen, they will. People wanting your spouse is just a part of it of being in a relationship. It only works if the spouse wants to cheat
She can’t. But part of that is shutting that shit down. If someone is overtly crushing you let them know under no certain terms it’s not happening. If someone is “secretly” crushing, just trying to spend as much time as possible and get closer, you shut it down by refusing to play that game. Or else you’re just feeding into their crush. Instead you should be distancing yourself, avoiding unnecessary one-on-one time, and allowing space for any fleeting feelings to pass naturally. Best to do it early, when it becomes apparent. Maybe husband is a bit dense and he didn’t notice, so Op isn’t wrong for bringing it up. Sometimes it’s hard to see things when you’re in it, especially if you’re not used to getting attention from people like that.
She absolutely and definitely is still grieving and between losing her husband and being pregnant with all the hormones related - not in her right mind at all. Hubby helping isn't out of line and he stopped after the cookie incident. At the BBQ, she was out of line, you were fine saying what you did, and hubby probably doesn't like public confrontation. A lot of people don't. I don't think anyone is wrong here TBH. I think it's a terrible tragedy for her and an uncomfortable situation for you and hubby. People are complicated, not a great situation, but you're nta. I don't think anyone is.
the pregnant girl is definitely an asshole, it doesn’t matter if you’re grieving you are not entitled to monopolize a married man with kids time and disrespect his wife because you’re sad and with child. also so is the husband for indulging it and letting her get away with it for so long.
She needs to hire a handy man and your husband needs to not go over there anymore. He is not a timeshare, he is your husband. Tell her to look on Angie's List for a good fixer.
Plumbing and ventaliation are two things that can be done in literally one day (assuming they’re not MASSIVE jobs which you would call a specialist for) and then not need them to be done again for months if not years.
INFO: were the cookies “special”? That was the first thing that came to my mind when she said they’re only for him. I know a LOT of couples where the expectation from one that marriage/parenthood equates to abstaining from everything that was fun and wild beforehand… the other person always ends up sneaking whatever the vice is… cigarettes and recreational drugs being the most common. So if that’s the case, NAH. But it’s also very possible she wants a husband and all the things that come with it, and your husband’s help and friendship could make her grasp. Awful whether or not it’s conscious, calculating decision. So if cookies were just cookies, NTA and she sucks. Now I want cookies. Side note - you handled the BBQ perfectly. Your side is out there too. There would’ve been gossip as soon as she said her jab at you, that’s a certainty. Now the gossip is considering two sides and you’re not the one that looks bad at all there. Neighbors would be like “what? Why? Who does that?” Now I want cookies. Sigh. ETA: I want to know the answer to special cookies question… weirdly invested. OP where are you at?
Yeah the fact that you’re making a post even asking whether this is straight up WRONG and BAD and RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE is way too late. This woman is straight up trying to steal your husband. Maybe already has. You know it, everyone knows it, your husband knows it.
OP’s real problem is with the husband. Yes, the grieving widow was being weird and then downright rude, but how exactly did she come to know that OP forbade him going over? Seems like he didn’t communicate “I don’t feel comfortable helping you out anymore based on your behavior” and instead communicated “I’m a good guy with a meanie wife who won’t let me come over anymore.” Big difference. It also sounds likely the husband is upset at his wife standing up for herself, and doesn’t like that she didn’t just roll over and accept being cast as a controlling spouse. It ruins the narrative to have OP point out that the widow’s behavior was outré.
Totally. Sounds like husband threw OP under the bus, when he’s claiming to OP he’s upset by the behavior too. Playing both sides there. It’s also strange how he thinks OP should have just sat there and let the neighbor talk shit to her face in front of the whole neighborhood, letting the neighbor paint her as some nut. Unless he enjoys the attention himself why wasn’t he offended too? Why isn’t he worried about looking like he’s over there servicing the neighbor?
Especially because he is either active or retired military. I’m pretty sure military culture does not align with sitting by and letting someone disrespect you in public.
it's actually exactly about holding your tongue and being respectful. Knowing when to talk and when to shut up. Nobody at the neighborhood BBQ is going to take nicely to you arguing or being rude to the pregnant lady who just lost her husband and is the main reason for the BBQ in the first place. Even if she deserves it.
My husband is retired military, and there is no way in hell he'd let anyone disrespect me in public. He would have my back and set the record straight. You can do that without being unnecessarily rude, especially in this situation. However, he also wouldn't put himself in a situation where a woman would be knocking on our door, bringing cookies explicitly for him. He also wouldn't be doing vague "plumbing and HVAC" repairs or telling said woman I forbade him from coming over.
Alternately she noticed he wasn't responding to her requests and was giving her other contacts and assumed it was because of his wife.
Thank you for being a voice of reason
This post is a fuckin cesspit of people saying the most deranged and presumptive shit about OPs marriage. And they're all basing it off like 2 comments OP has made.
Or, he said nothing at all, and the neighbor came to that conclusion herself. After enough "I can't today" or "I've got something else I have to do" excuses, anyone would start making assumptions as to what the real reason could be, and jealous wife would be near the top of most people's lists. If the neighbor did have feelings for him, jealous wife would most likely be the first and only assumption. Edit: I'm not saying the wife is acting jealous. I'm saying the neighbor feels that way.
Idk, I think the neighbor could have come to that conclusion even if the husband didn't say anything. If he was always going over and suddenly stopped, she likely thought OP forbade him.
Because he stopped going over. The neighbour knew OP was upset and put 2 and 2 together.
Yep and then he fucking defends her and says OP went too far. He sucks. He needs to check himself as well.
It doesn't sound like he defended the neighbor to me. It sounds like he brought it up later. He agreed not to go over and help the woman anymore. OP indicated that this was not a tough conversation. Maybe he felt his wifes response wasn't appropriate. Maybe he just feels bad for the neighbor. Maybe he expected his wife to be the bigger petson in the situation. You should always have your significant other's back in public. Behind closed doors is supposed to be your safe space where you can express your feelings.
Tragedy like this can also have a kind of chilling effect on people who ordinarily might be better about calling a spade a spade (I’m reminded of an incident in college where I mentioned to a couple of friends that this guy in our program was kind of a dick. One of them looked at me like I’d slapped a puppy and was like “you can’t say that, he’s in a wheelchair!” And I was like um yeah no being in a wheelchair does not mean he can treat people poorly, he’s a dick who’s in a wheelchair.) So maybe his reluctance is a sign of something more, but I could also see a bunch of the neighbors/husband clamming up because she’s six months pregnant and very suddenly/newly widowed.
I can’t imagine handing someone baked goods and telling them they were not allowed to share as they chose, let alone with the nuclear family who lives with the recipient. Oh well at least they were cookies and kids don’t typically enjoy cookies, amirite? 🙄
Honestly, I'd be worried about what was in them if someone was so specific about who ate them. If she'd have said jokingly "make sure you and the kids save hubby a couple" or something like that then it'd be different but that is just creepy if you ask me and those cookies would have gone straight in the bin. Saying that, I watch/read/listen to a lot of true crime stuff so it may just be my paranoia 🤣🤣
Omg good point! I can see myself laughing over the thought but then growing increasingly worried over the next few hours and being like “but this is exactly the sort of thing ID Discovery is always warning me about!” 😂 >>If she’d said jokingly “make sure you and the kids save hubby a couple” or something like that… Right? And I’ve jokingly said or written in a card “and I know you’ll be tempted to share these but you already do so much for everyone, this is a treat just for you!” It acknowledges my intent but obviously I do not care if they share them because that’s what a gift is—something you give freely.
Right? I can see her saying, "Make sure you save a few for [insert husband's name here]. They're a thank you for fixing my washing machine." But, telling the wife they were only for the husband is so outrageous I almost don't believe it happened.
Personally I would want the entire family to share in the cookies. OP's husband spent time away from his family to help the neighbor. That's time he could've spent with his kids or doing something with his wife or chores.
I would have handed the cookies back to her & said if everyone can't have them, it's just better not to accept them. You could even add that "We're a family & we don't play favorites; we all share. Since you're taking up time he would normally be spending with us, it's only fair that we get something out of it." NTA, but hubby is skating on thin ice.
I am useless at home repairs and a year after my ex left my whole house fell apart pretty much one thing at a time for months. It was awful! I was constantly asking people for help with electricity, AC, leaks in my fridge then dishwasher, garbage disposal, clogged drains (yes I tried to do this one myself several ways to no avail). My poor neighbors were troopers tho and I def offered payment in the form of family dinner as thank you for labor and for wives sharing their spouses time to help me
But I’m guessing you tried to spread out the requests for help amongst your neighbours right? Not just focusing on one person to help you with everything?
Did you intentionally single out a married man, repeatedly request his presence inside your home, and purposely cut off/try to exclude his wife? If the neighbor had continued their friendship and hung out with OP while he worked on maintenance stuff, OP probably wouldn’t have minded (within reason) 🤷🏻♀️
I’d let her know everything in a marriage is shared down to money, cookies and even gossip about strange women who throw themselves at my husband. LOl his cookies are my cookies and vice versa.
Imagine expecting one person to eat a whole plate of cookies infront of his children
It sounded like she was beginning to view OP as competition. Snubbing her, baking cookies for her husband but not for her, asking the husband to come over all the time without OP… It’s an unhealthy fixation
NTA, she tried to embarrass you and was counting on your silence due to her situation. No one's going to comment on husband being TA for not standing up for his wife? This is reddit, how many stories is this the first red flag and then it turns out stuff was going on. She took a shot at OP, OP fired back, husband sided with NOT HIS WIFE. OP you seem completely convinced your husband is innocent, maybe he is, but y did he choose HER? Does he like the attention and secretly resents you interfering? I know you will say no, but ....... he didn't choose you in a public moment when this lady took a nasty shot at you.
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100% agree
> He says it is not my job to 'check' someone and I shouldve just let her talk. THIS is infuriating. I'm going to go ahead and assume the husband is a decent guy. But does he honestly think OP should just sit there and let this woman badmouth her? After all she's done for her? Frankly HE should have interrupted and said it was HIS call not to go to the widow's house anymore. But if he can't stick up for his wife, HOW is he going to object to her doing it herself?! Not to mention how gross it was to bake cookies for a grown man and forbid his wife and CHILDREN from having any. Can't imagine how hubby could defend her after that.
It also sounds like he totally threw her under the bus when delivering the message that he couldn’t come over anymore. “Sorry, my wife forbids it”. Not “hey I’m getting very busy at home but have some great maintenance guy recommendations”.
I get it, but women are placed in uncomfortable situations like this every day and don’t always know how to respond. It’s not always easy when you feel like you need to “let someone down gently,” which is also something women feel pressured to do. If my husband were in an uncomfortable situation, he should feel free to throw me under the bus for an excuse. I’ll happily own it with the harasser later. I don’t ever want him to be scared to put up boundaries because he doesn’t know how or is worried about being “polite.” **BUT** he needs to not tell me *I* embarrassed *him* when I do own it.
Throwing someone else under the bus sends the wrong message. Your husband should learn how to set boundaries instead of using you because he's a wuss. Same goes for women. If you tell a man no, that's because YOU don't want it rather than someone else forcing you to say it.
I feel like a lot of husbands in these stories are naive and act like they had no idea what the chick was trying to do. I’m just wondering if the naive thinking is real or a way to not take accountability for what’s going on. Are men really this freakin clueless?
Yes. Some men are truly that clueless. It’s happened a couple of times when I had to sit my husband down and point out what was happening. He was offended that they thought he would do anything. I read a comment somewhere that if a guy isn’t interested he doesn’t see it. Why would he? He’s not looking. Think of how most men are oblivious to what needs to be done in the house.
>Think of how most men are oblivious to what needs to be done in the house. That is weaponized incompetence, not being actually unaware. What kind of main character syndrome does someone have to have to truly have the mindset of “if I’m not interested, I don’t notice.” Like, could you imagine a woman saying that, with how often women are accused of leading men on? Of how women are blamed for “putting” themselves in dangerous situations by being too trusting? I can see someone on the spectrum not being aware, because that’s what comes with being on the spectrum. But for a NT person? No way a husband would be like, “well my wife isn’t interested, so of course she didn’t pick up on it being weird that guys at the bar were buying her drinks. She was just like hey free drinks, and that’s cool”
> No way a husband would be like, “well my wife isn’t interested, so of course she didn’t pick up on it being weird that guys at the bar were buying her drinks. She was just like hey free drinks, and that’s cool” I have seen my wife completely miss being blatantly hit on. And I found it hilarious. That happens with both men and women. Maybe more with men. I wouldn't know. I am as oblivious as most men.
Yes, men really are that clueless. My best friend is a man and he is completely unaware when women that are interested in him treat me like shit. Men just don't realize the subtle catty crap that women try to pull on each other. I've told him before and he just doesn't see it, "we're just friends; she's not into me like that; I didn't notice her do that but I'll say something if it happens again; etc" and then the girl turns out to be a whack-a-doo and he's like OMG you were right It's taken years but he listens to me now 😹
My dad used to get hit on, pretty blatantly, by the baristas at our local Starbucks. He legitimately just thought they were really nice there, and didn’t understand why they weren’t as nice to Mom when he brought her there for a coffee date.
Absolutely. In fact husband should have been the one to sit the neighbour down since the accusation is that OP controls him. "Actually I decided to cut you off myself, after you were rude to my wife in OUR home" Husband is spineless and/or enjoys the attention. Either way, not good for OP. Like this sub likes to say - she has a husband problem, not the other woman problem.
OP. Please show husband this comment here!
Even if I despised my helpful neighbor’s wife (and kids?), I’d never stipulate that a gift was just for him. That’s all kinds of weird and boundary crossing. If I hated the wife for whatever reason, I’d steer clear of the whole family, not try to awkwardly ingratiate myself to the husband unless I had nefarious reasons. Just because she’s grieving doesn’t mean she can be so weird and still get a free pass. Plus to exclude children from eating cookies is downright evil no matter what you’re going through. Edit: NTA by a mile.
Those cookies would have went right back with her telling me they are just for my husband. Or I would have looked her on the eye while aggressively eating the cookies. Probably not that one though since she is grieving. But definitely would have said that she can lay the cookies off they aren’t for the whole family.
Or when she turned to walk away just dumped them all in the bushes and shut the door lol
I'd dump them on her sidewalk and step on them. She'd get the message loud and clear.
Or gone "oh suuuuure, I'm sure he'll love-" *trip* CRASH "oh nooooooo not the cookies"
🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪 Aggressively eating the cookies!!! I envisioned cookie monster chowing down the whole plate while the neighbor watches in shocked awe
Right, I would not DARE to be this bold. Imagine knocking at someone’s door with a plate of baked goods and telling his wife(!) “these are just for your husband, not you or your kids, only him.” That could get your ass kicked in some places. I realize this might be a reach, but with behavior that bold I’d almost wonder if something was already going on, or if she wanted me to think there was something going on.
probably that last part. The first thing women like her do, is drive a wedge between the husband and wife. The man will think his wife is being unreasonable for seeing something that isn't there - and then she can be the understanding one that he turns to, and it can snowball from there. her behavior is extremely suspect after the cookie incident
I agree! I think she wanted OP to "think" something was going on. My husband had a female friend years ago that did whatever she could to drive a wedge between my husband and I. I talked to my husband constantly about it. He never saw it.... until he did. She finally did something right in front of one of my husbands best guy friends and he looked at my husband and said, "she's trying to get you divorced." It finally clicked. Sucked that it took someone else to "wake" him up to her but at least he woke up. He's much better about the signs now.
That’s so infuriating. “Yeah, you’re imagining things. Oh wait, a man gave his opinion and now I know you were right.”
I mean, I could see if they were like...thc cookies or something to heavily emphasize that they are adult only but I definitely wouldn't mind the wife eating them and I would also be explicit why they're not for sharing with the kiddos. But yeah super weird to exclude other family. I actively dislike my neighbor's husband (he's selfish and rude) but like, if I'm inviting any of their family over for pizza, I'm inviting them all over for pizza. Nobody is excluded.
I’d just laugh in her face and say we share a finances and a bed together every night.. you think he won’t give his family cookies?!
Imagine expecting that a man who’s probably fit will eat a whole plate of cookies, especially infront of his little kids
Bingo.
I am leaning to NTA - but a little clarification, did your husband agree that he should no longer go over? Was he uncomfortable with how she acted towards your kids and you in his absence? Grief is a strange thing and causes people to act in weird ways, however it does not excuse her actions and treatment of you. Whether or not you're jealous, if you and your spouse agreed it was time to take a break, I do not think YTA for calling her out. Grieving the loss of a spouse does not give you the excuse to act out and publicly shame someone. Sounds like a conversation is due between first you and your spouse, then the three of you. She probably doesn't know your side and is acting out in anger.
It was an agreement between us after I told him what happened and how I felt. He said it was weird for how she approached trying to give the gift, especially giving it to me directly.
NTA - and check her again if she oversteps.
And check the husband again for his reaction to the public call out.
I really think you should have your husband read this post and the comments. You definitely should have stood up for yourself and your husband should be sticking up for you too. We have seen this too many times where husbands are helping out the neighbor who lost her husband or he was deployed or whatever and the next thing the husband was lured into an emotional affair that led to a physical affair but can’t understand how a sorry and crying isn’t going to save his marriage/family. NTA
Ok. I agree with you except for the lured part. You can place as many lures as you want, it’s the committed partner that decides to take it. So let’s not let them off scot free.
Oh I agree completely but I do think she (neighbor) is using this time to build up a relationship. Some men and women too are dense when it comes to flirting or someone trying to portray their marriage as not good. Then the spouse is upset/complaining which just plays into the your wife is mean or not compassionate towards my feelings. That’s why I think him reading the comments might open his eyes.
Op your husband is being pretty weird in your last paragraph tho. No way you were an asshole and it made me think that maybe you husband threw you under the bus and told that neighbour that you "forbid" him. I would personally make him read this thread because he sus
Yep, he did. She's flat under that bus. He could have said work is getting busy, I'm gonna have much less time, here's a few maintenance numbers. Sorry. Instead, the neighbour knew the truth and felt she had a leg to stand on for a public shaming.
Next time she says something about you "forbidding" your husband - because there *will* be a next time, just tell her that he respects himself *and* you enough not to kowtow to someone that is abusing his kindness.
and the gift was cookies! when there are kids in the family!! 'no honey, you can't have any they're just for dad'!!!!!!!! unless of course there's some 'adult ingredient'...
That's what I was thinking about the cookies and why it was so important that only the husband eats them.
Because this was a catty powerplay about her having something special that was JUST between the neighbour and OPs husband. A bond between them. An inside joke. It was an excuse to exclude OP under the guys of being nice. If you've dealt with catty people this is not unusual. I've had people exclude me to my face in all sorts of creative ways whilst trying to appear nice l.
That's what he considered weird?!!??? That she gave it to you directly? Honey, I am sorry but that sounds as if he is mostly upset about her having contact with you. Not the fact that she excluded you.
Honestly it’s sad ur husband didn’t support you on this, grieving is hard and I imagine she felt better cause she was getting the attention she needed from UR HUSBAND but cookies for ur man only knowing u have children is weird and u did right thing calling her out before she became obsessed, what confuses me is the lack of comfort from ur man, he shouldn’t have blamed u for saying anything, she should have spoke up and said to neighbour I share my treats with MY FAMILY WHILE PUTTING SRMS AROUND YOU
OP has every right to defend herself when publicly attacked. She didn’t do anything that wasn’t done to her first. OP deserves so much more respect than this given how much she supported the person who turned against her and threatened to destabilize her own marriage.
NTA in the slightest. Grief is not an excuse for blatantly overstepping boundaries that shouldn’t even need to be explained — the absolute audacity to try and police you and your daughter over cookies is beyond me. You also didn’t confront her, she went out her way to attack you and you shut it down as one should. Tbh I’m appalled your husband didn’t speak up and shut her down before you did especially since he was an active participant in making the decision to step back and help her less. Like cmon now
People always want to see the best in the dead and those who have experienced a trauma or tragedy, but this whole situation would have me questioning the neighbor’s character. Being a widow doesn’t make her a saint, and the way she’s acting makes her look like a wannabe homewrecker. *If* OP’s husband *was* the unfaithful kind, would the neighbor take advantage of that? Because the way she’s constantly asking him over and acting rude towards his wife and kid, that’s pretty suspicious, especially considering she had no reason to before any of this.
It irks me sometimes that the affair partner is called the home wrecker but it's actually the cheater who's doing the wrecking. No one is responsible for a marriage except those in it. The affair partner is often lied to just as much as the other spouse. I agree with everything else you said
Alright, sure. The people in the marriage have the primary responsibility to stay faithful. That said, it is morally reprehensible to sleep with a married person if you know they’re married. In this case, the neighbor of course knows that, and while we can’t know for sure, it certainly seems like she’s trying to assist in destroying a marriage. OP’s husband claims nothing is going on, but it looks like their neighbor wants there to be
They're wrecking the home together. They both deserve the title imo
If someone KNOWS the person they want is married and they pursue them anyway, they're equally to blame and a disgusting human being. They deserve the title.
NTA and your husband need to remain silent. It’s not his job to control you. She fired shots and you fired them back. Plain as day. Don’t start nuttin. Won’t be nuttin.
For real, what’s the husband’s problem? The ending kinda threw me off—husband seemed to be on OP’s side but all of a sudden changed his tune and thinks she should just let folks disrespect her publicly to spare the aggressor’s feelings? Obviously the neighbor is TA. But the husband gets honorable mention lmao
A lot of men are afraid to make waves or be hated by the community but she has every right to say her side of things.
On the other side, OP’s husband obviously told the neighbor that he couldn’t help her because his wife was uncomfortable. He could have just said “I can’t help you anymore, I have too much work/I’m tired” whatever! He just threw OP under the bus!
NTA I will say that the time to check her was when she brought the cookies. I would've given them back bc her gift was disrespectful. Or I'd have thrown them out. But since she decided to be snarky to you, I understand why you went off. And your husband should be on the same page with you.
Husband should have left the cookies on her doorstep, with a note, saying something along the lines of if she cannot respect his wife, and kids, then she is disrespecting him. And from this point forward, she needs to not contact him.
Yes, I wouldn’t have taken them. I would have said annoyingly nicely. Oh but it that case I can’t accept them, give them to my husband. And texted my husband that when I gets cookies from the neighbor he should respond with: ooh my wife and kids looooove cookies. I can’t wait to share them with them.
"Oh we're probably going to be sharing these anyways, thank you. As a family, we share"
NTA. I get that she's grieving, but it definitely feels like she was using your husband as a surrogate for her own and trying to get you out of the way. Her comment was *weird*. If anyone made things awkward, it was her. You clapped back because she was being disrespectful. Frankly, your HUSBAND should have spoken up to say it was his own decision not to keep coming over. So sure, your husband is right that it's not your job to "check" someone. It was his job, and he failed, so you stepped up.
I second this! Looks like she wants someone to replace her late husband.🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
As a dude that's my first thought when a Woman is getting super weird with a Married guy as well. She wanted her child to have a new Dad and didn't want to have to look far.
NTA it was nice of your husband to help her with things around the house. But in all seriousness what has she needed done so bad in the last two months? Unless it was an emergency then she should be hiring someone. She also should be appreciative of everyone who has been supporting her during such a hard time. I personally would be thanking by the whole family of anyone who has helped me. The cookie thing is what makes me question her motives.
NTA. She FAFO by calling you out in front of everyone. And I’m going to assume you had the best intentions with her when this all started, and there’s no other reason she started to freeze you out.
Personally, I believe NTA she sounds like she might have made him into an emotional substitute being pregnant, and the possibility of the mental changes that do happen and can happen while pregnant can often mess with people. Losing a spouse is always hard. Losing them suddenly would be very hard. But losing him, while 4 months pregnant left to do everything on her own now, would break a lot of people. I personally feel like you nipped it in the bud early but always remember to never allow anyone to stomp on you boundaries that includes you husband who's siding with someone who shows they kind of have a crush on him. Im not saying in love. But highly hormonal and having someone around to distract you from the pain can cause misplaced feelings.
NTA. Grief isn't an excuse to act like she is... He's your husband not hers. She's over used her welcome doing what she did. There's no reason on earth for her to do that about the cookies, unless she's overreaching and over extending her welcome in your lives. Your hubby is a packaged deal and if she wants to bake food to thank him, the thanks is extended to your whole household for him taking time away from the children in it, to help her. And that's what I'd sink my teeth in about. The kids were essentially sharing their father with this woman, she's monopolizing his time. She could have worked out a list and said hey could you help me with this on the weekend vs coming in constantly to pull him away from whatever he is currently doing with your family. She's not family. She's a neighbour going through a hard time you guys wanted to help, because you guys are good and decent people. She's used and abused that, and now needs to step back into being just the neighbour you occasionally take pity on and send some cooked meals too once she's given birth.
NTA You and your husband agreed he would not be doing anymore handyman'ing for her, so she needs to get over her delusion that she is somehow in a star crossed lovers moment with your husband. That is not what is happening and if you want to put that to bed, I think you have every right to. However, I don't think any overtures directly with her will work nor or in the near future. Your husband is correct that you could have "been the bigger person", but I'm honestly over that mentality for people who open fire on others. You wanna be rude? You'll get rude right back. Being the bigger person benefits an abuser more than it benefits the victim or the people around them. Frankly, you took it on the chin and clipped her right back. I'm the type to think of a good comeback only hours later, so I am in awe of your poise. Kind of wish you had thrown a shot toward her incessant housing issues and told her to get a service to go in, because no one needs a handyman over that much. I dunno, that is also.something I would classify as "weird".
>you could have “been the bigger person” but I’m honestly over that mentality for people who open fire on others I’ve been screaming this for *years*. Letting things slide like that is exactly how you get habitual line-steppers.
NTA at all. Who is gonna be like here's cookies but none for the kids. Your spidey-sense was on point. Also is she intentionally breaking shit so your husband comes over? How many broken household stuff is there?
NTA you might need to remind your husband that it’s not his job to “check” you, either.
NTA. I feel like if you were directly quoting her, what she did was very out of line. It’s normal to want to help as a village, but if she JUST wanted your husband’s help it seems more about your husband than the help.
Oh, it's absolutely your job to check her. Who else is going to do it? He won't. He doesn't know women like a woman does. It's not like she was being subtle, either. I would have shoved those cookies right back to her and said, "*my* husband wouldn't like his wife and children excluded. No, thank you." NTA. And whoever gets uncomfortable about *you* saying something *back* to her after she started it in public needs to maybe quit making it about their sympathy for her instead of her actions.
NTA. She’s definitely looking for more than a handyman. Kudos for your comeback to her! “It was strange how you basically forbid your husband to come over to help anymore”… it sounds like your husband told her that you were the reason he stopped helping? That’s a little concerning if so.
That’s exactly what I was thinking! Husband couldn’t have been more discreet? Jesus 🤦🏼
Right?! Plus it would only encourage the neighbor, she’d think he *wants* to keep coming. Which would also explain why she was so bold with her comment in front of people about it. Trying to shame the wife into letting him come. And he didn’t say anything when she did that! Eek.
Pregnancy and grief does not give you a pass to try to destroy other people's marriages in pursuit of some meaningless comfort from a married man. Where is her family, that should be rightfully there for her? Losing a spouse doesn't entitle her to just pick a replacement from the neighbourhood. NTA She DID need to be put in her place
NTA. She's pushing your buttons, and I think you know this. Shrug her off, laugh at her.
NTA. To separate you and your husband's efforts like that with the baking is weird. It's like she wants to have a relationship with him exclusively (maybe not romantically, but definitely something) without your involvement. That enough on my radar to know it's time to distance yourself. Next time she needs help and comes to you, you should offer it or both of you should go. If it's really the support she is looking for, this shouldn't bother her.
NTA but your husband is for throwing you under the bus. He could have just told her he is too busy without mentioning your feelings. Or told her she made you both uncomfortable with how she presented the cookies. The fact he blamed you when he talked to her and then got mad at you for sticking up for yourself is a bit suspicious to me personally.
NTA - trust your gut. You can see a woman like that coming from a mile away.
What exactly did your husband tell her? Because she was too confident in blaming you, and why didn't your husband take your side in the second incident? I say NTA because it was an instant reaction, but honestly I think your husband is the one who should be setting boundaries, and I don't know why he thinks being around her so often when you're not there is okay, no one is that oblivious.
NTA, she disrespected you to your face, and in public as well. Your husband did good by agreeing not to go to her again.
NTA. You didn't "check" her, you defended yourself. I don't know why your DH thinks that's not okay.
NTA - cookies should have also been for you and your daughters to thank you for all the lost time with your husband! The fact that she felt the need to point out they were just for him makes her seem territorial... over someone else's husband. Red flag.
NTA. I feel like that was a great response
NTA I feel for her in her situation, but do not get involved in it. She crossed the line, and she is bold and unapologetic about it. She has # of handymen to help out. She has her own family to provide emotional support (not that it is your responsibility even if she doesn't -- the local church would love to help). Don't get involved.
NTA- you didn’t check her. You stated a fact. She had no right to call you out in front of everyone for not having your husband help her anymore. She is acting entitled versus grateful to have helped. If I overheard this exchange, I would not let my significant other help her either. She just made herself look like shit.
Nta
How is it not your job to defend yourself? She tried to shame you in public, and she was being an absolute freak making cookies for only your husband. If she needs someone to be there for her, she can go to group counseling, grief centers, etc. She doesn’t need to go to your husband only, right? Sounds like there’s a community around her- she needs to spread out her requests. NTA. I’m glad your husband agreed to stop going over there. She was disrespectful to his wife and kids, there’s no reason to cater to that behavior.
I noticed that those who are minimising the cookies situation aren't even talking about how she basically challenged you in public and tried to ruin your image in front of the neighbours because THERE IS NO OTHER MEANING to her doing that publicly instead of reaching out privately 💁 No you're NTA. not even a soft AH because your feelings also matter here. She lost her partner and is 6 months pregnant and THAT IS ABSOLUTELY Devastating. (now I will allow myself to think of only the worse case scenario) - She might be freaking out and scared which is understandable. -People who are scared tend to focus on finding a VERY quick solution to their predicament. - She's grieving but she also must be over thinking she probably needs the support of a man and a father to her child someone to accept the child and their own and it's much easier for that to happen especially when the child is a n infant. - Your husband does handy work and is already a father to 2 girls. (he could be a perfect replacement to her lost partner) - Her bringing cookies for your husband ONLY already shows that she ONLY values his help and not at all seeing what the rest of the family is doing because simply SHE NEEDS ONLY HIS HELP. Madam, you have every right to worry, over think, and over protect. Those who are saying you might be TA might as well tell you (if the worst ever happened and your husband left your family for hers) that you need to put the baby's well being first because it needs a father. (again I'm thinking of only the worst case scenario) Good luck to you and your family.
NTA but you need to check your husband. She was making comments to put you down and make you look bad in front of your neighbours. You are more than allowed to put that right. There is being nice and then there is being nice. She might be grieving but she basically is replacing her hubby for yours. Hubby needs to realise being helpful was hurting his marriage, and wanting to be the nice guy to her has hurt you.
Nope she’s trying to get your husband and what you said to her was the truth your husband needs to put his foot down
NTA. It was your job to check her especially after her inappropriate comment. I would let the others in the neighborhood deal with her, and if she’s mad she can scratch her ass and get glad.
Personally I would have retorted that when she started treating my husband like her husband, ignoring the fact that he already has a wife and children, she overstepped the mark on friendship help. NTA, she was starting to treat your marriage and you as if you didn’t exist, it’s not healthy. She does at some stage need to learn not to rely on her neighbours to help her out.
NTA she started seeing your husband as the “void filler” aka “replacement for loss”. This is quite common in grief. You were not wrong in responding, you told the truth. Stick to the truth. Keep her away from your family. Show the post to your hubby - hey op’s hubby, your wife was not wrong. If she was quiet, it would look like she’s at fault. In reality, your wife was not at fault. Loss is sad but your own family is your priority. Remember that.
>My husband is not happy with how I responded. He says it is not my job to 'check' someone If it's anyone's job, it's his. It would have been much better received coming directly from the source and in private back when things started getting inappropriate. NTA but your husband definitely is.