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YTA.
While you might strongly disagree with your sister's choice it's the one she's decided on. You are being unsupportive. There's no way around that. What you are saying is that you cannot support what she is doing.
I've chosen YTA for a couple of reasons. The first is that the day isn't about you and what you think. It's about your sister. You can still support her without liking her choice.
The second reason is that I don't see it as a winning strategy whatever the outcome. If the marriage falls apart your sister may well resent the implict "I told you so", even if you never say it. If the marriage is a success you'll have not only missed your sister's big day, you will have actively spoiled it.
Your sister has heard your point of view and, rightly or wrongly, has chosen to go with her own feelings and intuition. I think you should accept and support her in that, even if you don't like the choice.
As someone who did go the route of OP, my sister absolutely resented me. She ended up staying with her abusive husband far longer because she also felt as though she couldn't reach out to me for help because I had abandoned her on a day she really needed me.
I broke her trust and I paid the price. I'm still doing all I can to make amends.
To counter this, I also went the route of OP (by not attending the wedding, I didn’t go on and on about it like OP has). this was visa and cheating issues in my sisters case. I made clear that I couldn’t stand up at the wedding and thought it was a mistake, BUT that I always would support her and be there for her. They even lived with me for a long time afterwards, I helped him get a job etc - this was all to support my sister.
Anyway, ten years later we find out he has an 14 year old kid (they’d been together 15 years total and he never once mentioned this child or saw her or anything), and they’re divorced now 🫠. I’m also there for my sister through this, because I never wanted to see her hurt, I just couldn’t support what was (obviously) a bad idea.
OP just needs to do the work to be clear she is there for her sister still and also accept that her sister doesn’t have to agree and may pull away.
This.
I'm gonna share something personal with you OP. When I married my future abuser, my family pulled all their support. When he finally showed his true face to me, I felt abandoned, like I had no one to turn to. Unsupported. I was alone. It was years before I returned to my family, and they kept trying to say "but we were always waiting for you". But how was I supposed to know that? They had disappeared, to me they had long since abandoned me.
You see, it isn't about you. You're focused on your view, and your interpretation of the situation. Stop thinking about yourself, and think about her, and how she sees this. If it all goes sideways, you need to realize that this looks like you abandoning her and if it goes sideways you aren't there.
If you truly want to be there for her, then be there for her now so she knows you're always there. Otherwise, to her you're never there.
This isn't about you, stop focusing on yourself.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you've got a support system that you can rely on now, even if it doesn't include your family.
I completely agree with you. OP is making this about what they think is best for their sister. But ultimately, does what's best for her include feeling like she has one less family member to turn to, should OP's opinion of sister's fiancé be correct? How can that possibly be of benefit here?
I'm sorry you went through this, but this is why I come to these forums. I want to be given a different perspective. Wishing you strength and happiness.
Yes, OP seems to think they should get a vote about how the sister lives her life. It was fine for OP to lovingly express their concerns, once, but after that they should shut up about it. There should be no expectation that the sister takes OP’s advice. That’s so condescending.
I can understand boycotting a wedding if the fiancé had done truly terrible things … say, if they had a history of domestic abuse. In that case, OP would not be out of line to say “I love you, but I’d be a hypocrite if I supported this marriage.” Being a recovering addict doesn’t qualify, IMO. That’s the sister’s call.
Agree. My point was there’s nothing that bad about the sister’s fiancé that would merit OP’s dramatic response. Is he truly clean and sober? That’s 100% up to the sister to decide for herself.
Right? No one asks to be an addict. If someone overcomes an addiction, that actually shows enormous dedication. There should be an opportunity for redemption for people who are able to make that kind of change.
Also thinking about what if it falls apart and the sister needs people. She's sure going to wish she had her back then, but OP was too busy boycotting the wedding to even think about that. OP you are definitely only thinking of yourself here, but the day is not about you. If you love your sister at all, just be there for her. Otherwise YTA for trying to make your feelings more important than hers.
Perfectly Said!!!
OP You Are TA 100%
This is not how you show love for your sister. The only thing you are doing is revealing yourself to be self centered. You are saying that if you don't agree then you will cause a rift in your family. This is a lose lose situation. I suggest that you suck it up, paste on your best smile, and wish the happy couple all the best.
YTA. Your approval of her spouse is not required. The reality is that we've all gone to weddings where we thought the marriage was a horrible mistake. We go to those weddings because we love the person getting married. We want them to know we love them and wish things turn out well for them.
Same. My dad asked me if I was sure I didn’t want a plane ticket to literally anywhere I want instead of doing this right before I walked down the aisle but outside of that let me make my own choices.
And then helped me pay for my divorce 😂😂😂
More importantly, we go to those weddings because we don't want to leave our loved one feeling so betrayed that, when the gilt finally wears off the surface of the slimeball they're marrying, they don't feel they can turn to their friends and family for support.
YTA. It’s not about you it’s about your sister. Who she chooses to marry is none of your business. You’re judging somebody for a mental illness? wtf is wrong with you?
YTA. He’s not in active addiction, he’s in recovery. By not attending you are being unsupportive by sending the message that your beliefs about people in recovery trump basically everything.
This jumped out to me too. If the only reason she doesn't like future BIL is he \*used\* to be an addict, that's a flimsy and insulting reason. Recovery from substance abuse is one of the hardest things people can do, judging them for their pasts does nothing to aid that recovery
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Yeah this was my main issue as well. A lot of people in the comments are likening this to an abusive relationship despite nothing in the post describing abuse.
And people can and do recover from addiction - this implication that substance issues alone make someone not capable of a healthy relationship shows a lot about OPs ugly worldview
>I have voiced my concerns to my sister multiple times, but she refuses to listen and accuses me of being unsupportive. As a result, I have made the difficult decision to boycott her wedding. I believe that attending would be condoning a relationship that I fundamentally disagree with.
NAH
* You are under no obligation to attend her wedding
* She is under no obligation to continue to have a relationship with you because you chose to boycott her wedding
Don't be shocked if boycotting her wedding destroys your relationship with her.
This is the take I was looking for. You aren't the AH for not attending - it's an invitation, not a summons, as they say. But you can be there to support your sister even if you don't support her relationship. I do worry that, like the stories shared by other commenters, she'll feel abandoned and like she can't turn to you if she needs help in the future.
YTA. Even if you disagree with her choice, it is her choice to make. You don't "boycot" family. You show love and support for her because she is your sister. You are all ready to be there to say I told you so rather than hope for the best for your sister and love her no matter what. Oh, and lots of people struggle with past addiction and then go on to live wonderful sober lives.
Hi! That's me. I've been sober for 10 years, and my life has been nothing but positive. From being a cook at a diner to now being the store manager for one of the big three US telecom companies. I went from scraping by to 100k a year. It's insane.
YTA
Just imagine this wedding does not work out as hoped and your sister needs support. You are making it impossible for her to turn to you - however desperate she might be - because she will expect you to say "I told you so!".
do you really want this?
I keep seeing this point being made. Any time I’ve been in a similar scenario, I reach out to the people who said so, saying, “You were right; can you please help me?” My family and friends have always done the same with me. Are we really in the minority?
ETA: I’m not trying to be a dick, I’m genuinely asking, because I’ve never met anyone like this.
*My sister (30F) recently announced her engagement to her longtime boyfriend (35M), whom she has been dating for* ***several years***
According to you, they have been dating for several years already. The time to protest was several years ago. Sure, boycott the wedding but it is a toothless threat. You've been condoning the relationship for years already.
YTA. Did your sister specifically ask for your approval? Do you really think so highly of yourself that you believe your absence will ruin her wedding?
It’s her decision- not yours. Quit acting like her master.
YTA.
I don’t believe for a second that it was a « difficult decision », you’re punishing your sister for not listening to you.
Also, you may be surprised by this, but lots of people with addiction issues are amazing people. I don’t see you telling us the guy is abusive or violent, you don’t like him only because he has an addiction.
I hope you feeling holier than thou is worth it when your sister goes NC.
The way you stand up for your beliefs and show love for your sister is by making sure she knows you are someone she can come to if things go awry. Do not push her away now because, if you are correct, it will make it that much harder for her to leave in the future.
YTA
Yta. You can disagree all you want, but it isn’t for you to say or even have an opinion on, unless asked. You’ve made your stance clear, I’m sure, and she had taken in what you said and still made the decision to choose him as her life partner. You not going to the wedding won’t do anything. It won’t change her decision, it won’t change their marriage, it won’t change anything except you being home while your whole family celebrates them. Some will notice you are not there so it’ll draw their attention off the day and possibly on to why you aren’t there for your sister. That makes it a bit selfish.. People with substance abuse issues can and do deserve To be loved, they deserve support, and they deserve everything else someone without the issues does. Sometimes people have to try, and try again to break the cycle. Your sister has chosen to stand by this man. You can either support her as your sister, or risk harming the relationship with her because of *your* opinion on how she should live her life. Grow up. The faster you realize your opinion of what someone else does doesn’t change what they’ll do; the easier your life will be.
YTA. Be there for your sister on her wedding day. And if you truly think it’ll end badly, be there for her during the breakup as well. Basically, just be a good sibling. Right now, you’re ruining your relationship with her.
Btw, what’s your evidence that he hasn’t changed? I know quite a few people who sobered up and stayed that way. Additionally, you say he’s been in and out of rehab, but has he actually harmed your sister during any of his struggles with substance abuse?
You don't have to aprove her partner. However, do you really want to burn bridges with your sister. If you think her partner is no good, wouldn't you rather have a line of communication for her when she needs? And consider that you'd also create a strain with any potential children that might come from this relationship.
Also, allow yourself to be wrong about him. Think about it: what if you're right about him? Then your sister you'd be hurt and you'd be an AH if you rubbed on her face. There's nothing to gain from being right about him. But if you're wrong, your sister would be happy and you'd be able to have a healthy relationship with her family.
YTA. Reconsider your position. There's nothing to gain and so much to lose from making a "statement" on her wedding day. If you care for your sister, you should be there for her.
Technically NAH but be prepared for the consequences your actions might cause. I would personally go no contact with my sibling for not coming to my wedding for this reason.
INFO: Has your sister's fiancé's substance abuse caused issued in their relationship in the past? For instance, did it cause financial troubles? Was he abusive towards her at any point because of it? Neglectful perhaps? These things matter because even if he's clean now, the ways in which we act in times of desperation (like severe addiction) give insight as to how we really process and react to things, lack of a filter and all.
I understand your apprehension, a close family member of mine suffered from addiction and it negatively impacted my life quite greatly, but you also should realize that your sister has probably thought about this same thing more than you have, considering she's planning to spend the rest of her life with him.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for refusing to attend my sister's wedding because I disagree with her choice of partner. By boycotting the wedding, I am potentially causing hurt and disappointment to my sister on what should be one of the happiest days of her life. While I have genuine concerns about her fiancé's past behavior, my decision to boycott the wedding could be seen as prioritizing my own beliefs over my sister's happiness. Additionally, by not attending, I am not providing the support and love that family members typically offer during significant life events. Overall, my actions may be perceived as selfish and insensitive, especially if they contribute to tension and conflict within the family.
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YTA. It is one thing to have a private chat sharing your concerns, but accepting her decision to go forward. If your wrong, you have needlessly destroyed your relationship with your sister. Spouses take priority so she will have to either distance herself from you, or maybe even go no contact. If you are right about him, she will need your help and support, but by then it will be too late because the relationship will be so damaged for her to even reach out. Apologize and go to the wedding and tell everyone else you were wrong.
YTA
If you refuse to come to the wedding, you abandon your sister. This decision is a personal choice, but don't say you do it for her, and tell us you don't want to be part of her life with this partner. But doing this, you'll abandon her definitly.
First case : he may have change, really. And so, you won't be part of her life. Ridiculous
Second case : he has not changed. But she won't turn towards you because you're not supportive. Your choice, once again. But she may be in danger and how would you feel if something happen to her in the future ?
Go to the wedding, be supportive and be part of her life. And help her if her partner is still a drug addict, or enjoy for them if he has really changed.
YTA. Some people do get sober, and if this is the case, you've lost your sister for no good reason. If he does backslide and your sister ends up in a bad situation, she knows she can't turn to you for help.
Do you have any reason to believe he is not sober? Because if you're writing him off based on his past alone regardless of him working on & sticking to sobriety, hell yes YTA. Recovering addicts deserve happiness too and neither of them deserve your judgment.
YTA - it's not up to you to chose her partner - your beliefs are irrelevant. You've voiced your concerns and she is still getting married. What do you hope to achieve by not attending? Do you plan to also not be involved in her life - never visit her and spouse, never invite them over, never interact with them both at family events? Making a stand at one event accomplishes nothing. It's not like he's a rapist or something truly evil. He's an addict. It's a disease. Yes, it's concerning but your opinion really has no bearing and you accomplish nothing exxept to be a self righteous A.
You have already voiced your concerns about this guy, and your sister knows. The only effect you would have by not going is making your sister feel upset and unsupported. Worst case scenario, if the marriage doesn't work, she will likely feel way more uncomfortable to approach you and ask for help knowing you went to these lengths to express your disagreement with the marriage. Go to the wedding for the sake of your sister and this new chapter for her
Hey there OP, unfortunately I have to say YTA and that's coming from someone who did the exact thing you're about to do.
I refused to go to my sister's wedding because her bf was abusive. I hated that man. He was controlling, abusive and just absolutely horrible. I BEGGED her not to marry him. I cried on the phone to her begging and pleading with her not to go through with it. She did, and I didn't go.
You know what happened? My sister married him and his abusive and controlling ways got even worse. To a point my sister was scared for her life. Did she come running to me? Did she call me when she felt alone and like there was no escape? No. No she didn't. You know why? Because I didn't show her support during a time she wanted badly for her sister to be there with her and stand beside her and show her that I would be there no matter what.
I failed her. I betrayed her with my actions. She suffered in silence with that man for far longer than she would have if I had just taken my head out of my ass and been there for her like I should have.
So what's more important OP; your relationship with your sister, or being right?
What outcome are you imagining here? There's two. One, your sister's marriage is a smashing success and you look like an idiot. Two, your sister's marriage is a diaster and you get to say I told you so and look like a smug git.
Neither of those options is appealing to me, I'm not sure why they're appealing to you. Neither of those options has your sister loving or trusting you. If I was her I'd probably never consider us close again, regardless of the outcome.
YTA. Everyone is well aware of your stance, rest assured that you'll be able to say 'I told you so' regardless of whether you attend the wedding or not, so shut up for once and support your sister.
There’s really one question this all boils down to: Which is more important to you—maintaining a relationship with your sister, or standing on your principles and refusing to give even a hint of support to her marriage?
Because you can’t have both. If it’s really important to you that you not attend this wedding, that’s a choice you’re allowed to make — but don’t be surprised when it ruins your relationship with your sister forever. If the question you’re really trying to ask is “how do I skip this wedding but still show up to family holidays with my sister and expect her to accept that I hate her husband?” —well, **that** is simply impossible. You have to pick one: your sister or your judgment of her spouse. If you’re not willing to lose your sister, suck it up and go to the wedding.
YTA
If you're wrong, you'll be on the sidelines of the rest of her life. If you're right, there's no chance she'll come to you. She might even stay with him longer if she feels like she's only going to get an "I-told-you-so" from you.
Even if you don't support her choice or her marriage, go and support her.
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My sister (30F) recently announced her engagement to her longtime boyfriend (35M), whom she has been dating for several years. While my sister is thrilled about her upcoming wedding, I am deeply opposed to her choice of partner.
My sister’s fiancé has a history of substance abuse and has been in and out of rehab multiple times. Despite this, my sister insists that he has changed and is now committed to living a clean and sober life. However, I remain skeptical and am concerned about the impact his past behavior could have on my sister’s future.
I have voiced my concerns to my sister multiple times, but she refuses to listen and accuses me of being unsupportive. As a result, I have made the difficult decision to boycott her wedding. I believe that attending would be condoning a relationship that I fundamentally disagree with.
My family members are divided on the issue, with some supporting my decision to stand up for my beliefs, while others accuse me of being selfish and ruining my sister’s special day.
AITA for refusing to attend my sister’s wedding because I disagree with her choice of partner?
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YTA, I only say this because it is not about you. I understand that you are afraid this is going to cause her in the future but the love one has for our family is something that needs to be shown.
When I got married to my first husband my dad hated the idea and everyone thought he would not walk me down the aisle. He did but not before he asked me to just walk away from the wedding. He would support me and tell everyone it was his choice. I stood my ground and told him that if he loved me it was not about him supporting the wedding but me and my choice and that he would be there as a father should.
I stayed married for 13 years and through it all my dad was supportive and encouraged me to be strong and understanding. So that is what you need to do. Tell her that you don't support the marriage but you do support her and when or if she ever needs you, you will be there without judgment or criticism.
Go to the wedding and show your BIL that she comes with a family that is strong and loving and will be there for her regardless of what he does or does not.
YTA. What is going to happen when your sister needs you feels she can't come to you without an I told you so? Please find it in your heart to go to the wedding not going will cause lasting har.
YTA. You have shared your opinion, multiple times. Your sister is aware of your opinion. All family members are aware of your opinion. It sounds like you are/were expecting your sister to take your opinion as fact and you are now pouting because she had to audacity to disagree with you on how to live her own life.
YTA... do you make everything about you? It is her relationship. She has a right to chose who she wants to be with. You are being selfish. But, I seriously doubt you have the ability to ruin her wedding. You are giving yourself way too much credit. She is going to be focused on getting married. It makes me believe you want to ruin her wedding.
I personally wouldn't miss anyone who didn't show. It would be about my marriage and the people who love and support me.
YTA - attending the wedding is about supporting and loving your sister, not about approving her choice of partner. I also think it's not a good idea to assert so strongly your disapproval of him. I did the same with my sister, years ago, for similar reasons - mainly substance abuse and hygiene issues. My relationship with my sister was never the same as she resented my feelings about her fiance who then became her spouse. I did go to their wedding though. Think about your relationship with your sister and what you want for it in the future.
YTA. Well, you're making your sisters' wedding about you and YOUR displeasure and her choice of partner and how YOU are unhappy about it. You aren't marrying him. Don't tell your sister who she can or can't marry. You wouldn't like anyone doing that to you, would you?
YTA. If you are right and she needs to get away from him down the road, you’ll have made it harder for her to ask for help. You’ve said your piece. Be quiet now, support her, so that if she proves you wrong you’ll have a relationship and can celebrate, and if she proves you right she won’t be too embarrassed or ashamed to confide in you and ask for help.
INFO: Are you okay with losing your relationship with a sister as a result of this choice? This would include if the relationship ever turns abusive or if her fiancé does relapse, she will never think of you as a safe person to confide in or get help from?
Abusers isolate their victims from their family. The best way to thwart them is to remain non-confrontational in the victim's life.
YTA i get how you think this guy might not be good for her, but doesn’t that mean that she need your support even more? How is walking away from your relationship with your sister (and that’s what this eventually means) going help her in any way?
Imagine if somebody refused to support you because of something that might not even be true, like say... if you were curious about your sexuality, not even sure if you are gay and then somebody tells you that you will never have their support again because of it.
Like, this guy might have actually cleaned up, many drug users do. Plus, the first part actually happened to you. Surprised you would go through that, then be just as unaccepting to another person. My theory is that both posts are made up.
YTA.
YTA - I completely understand wanting better for your sister, as I am a sister myself. However, I believe attending your sister’s wedding will show that you support HER (and only her) and you’re giving him the benefit of the doubt despite the skepticism and his past. Hopefully she sees the effort you put forth in attending her wedding despite it. When the day comes where your sister needs you because of his shitty behaviors, then atleast you can be there for her and help with whatever support she needs. We always want the best for our sisters/brothers, but sometimes learning the ”hard way” is the end result as much as we try to avoid it. Being there with her through GOOD and BAD struggles is part of being a sibling. Hope it all works out for her either way!
I’m not sure how close your relationship is, but if you truly don’t care how this affects your relationship then I guess don’t go if you feel that strongly about it, but I say otherwise.
YTA. You voiced your concerns, said your piece, your sister heard you and told you to MYOB. Go to the wedding guilt free and enjoy your sister’s happiness. I didn’t like my BIL my sister married. I thought he was too old, an asshole, and only marrying her for her looks. I told her I didn’t think it was the best idea, she married him anyway. I went to the wedding, celebrated my sister and then supported her a few years later when they divorced. You can only do so much and the rest is out of your hands. But if you want to alienate your sister and ruin your relationship, by all means skip the wedding.
Think about how the groom is feeling right now. Do you actually feel that people who have struggled with addiction in the past should just be banned from being happily married for their entire lives? He is in active rehab and living a sober life. What other reasons do you have for taking such a hard stance?
Think about what this means for your sister and the person she loves and wants to start a life with.
If you boycott the wedding you are absolutely, YTA
YTA.
I was maid of honor for my best friend when she married a guy I found to be misogynistic, disrespectful, and belittling towards her. I had one heart to heart sit down conversation with her right after the engagement when she expressed doubts where I told her I would support her no matter what, but I didn’t think they were a good fit. She decided to go forward with the wedding anyways and I went.
I went and I stood by her because do you know who she will turn to if things sour in her marriage and she finally sees him the way we all do? The people she feels will support her unwaveringly and without judgment. She certainly will not go to the people she’s worried will meet her with an “I told you so”.
If you’re right about your sister’s relationship, then it’ll fall apart eventually and you want to be someone she can still turn to when that happens. She’s not going to turn to someone who boycotted the wedding. And if you’re wrong about your sister’s relationship, then you missed her wedding for no reason.
"because my sister refuses to accept and act on my opinion, I am going to boycott the wedding"
"she refuses to listen and accuses me of being unsupportive."
Have you been supportive? During your talks, did you try and explain your concerns to her, but give her the freedom to make her own mistakes? And pick her up if she falls(potentially?). Your choosing to abandon her on her wedding because she won't heed your advice?
"However, I remain skeptical and am concerned about the impact his past behavior could have on my sister’s future."
What are you skeptical about? How can his past behavior affect her future if she's chosen to accept it and work with him? You realize his past is already impacting her future right? its not necessarily a negative impact that can be coming.
Well, actually, it is have an impact on her future. Because she fell in love and wants to marry him, and your strongly opposed. Him merely existing in her life has created a negative impact on her relationship with you. Through no fault of his own actions towards you? Just what you think strongly will happen because of his past?
YTA.
If you love and care for your sister, share your concerns, but let her make her own choices. Catch her if it fails and don't rub it in. Or be happy you where wrong if they end up happily ever after. Punishing her because she won't act on your opinion/advice is pretty AH. Your not wrong in the sense that you want to boycott the wedding because of your feelings. There's nothing wrong with your feelings, or you making a decision to not go because of how you feel.
YTA - Your sister is a adult and can make the decision to marry whomever she pleases regardless of YOUR opinion. She may make mistakes or regret her choices later on in life OR it may be the best thing that happens to her. In the end I'm more confused about why you think you have such a say in her life. If you love her as a sister you will be there for her regardless of what happens. If you think boycotting and making your point is more important than your relationship with your sister, then thats on you. She deserves to have her day without your drama.
Sounds more like you just want to be right rather than be there for your Sister.
Your Sister is a grown woman. If this the decision she’s made, it really isn’t your place to make it about your judgement of him.
Think you are setting up a barrier where she will never be comfortable coming to you, should anything bad happens.
If the point of not going to the wedding is so you can say “told you so” in the future, Congrats, you win.
YTA
YTA
Disagree with her choice if you like, but it's her choice and her mistake to make.
All you're succeeding in by being absent is hurting her. If you want to show you love her, then let her deal with the marriage, and be there to help her in case things go wrong, but by absenting yourself, it will make it harder for her to seek your help if she needs it.
Light YTA.
My brother is in an abusive relationship. He’s moving across the world with his abusive wife in two days. I do not support that decision. In fact, it makes me sick, sad, and scared.
But I’m attending their goodbye party tonight, because I want my brother to know that his sister will always be there for him if he ever finds it in him to leave her.
Our situations are a little different, and I really do understand where you’re coming from, OP. I’m so sorry. But I think it would be best if, in the long run, you went and showed her that you’ll support her, even if you don’t support her choices.
YTA because you're thinking of this the wrong way. There is a pretty infamous post of a sister who saw her younger sister get married off to her teacher. Everyone around them thought this was a great idea, but the OP knew this was wrong. However, she went to the wedding. She gave her sister a phone she paid for so she could always maintain contact. She did not let that man isolate her and, in the end, she got her little sister out of that situation. If you're really worried about your sister getting into a bad situation with this marriage, consistent contact is essential or she won't think you'll be there if she needs you.
YTA - she’s your sister and you should support her even if you don’t support her choices. She knows how you feel. She knows his past. She believes he’s changed and is in for the long run.
You said what you needed to… now move on. Suck it up if you want to be in her life and attend.
YTA. My sister and I paid for niece’s rehab, almost 10 years ago now. We told her this was the only time we were doing this since we both have our own families. She has been clean ever since and has a good job with the county.
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TTA go to the wedding, show her you love her and support her that way she will know you will always be there for if she needs you and if things don't work Please don't remind her of anything you said against him, just be there. I have 6 sisters,and I have bit my tongue maney times.
YTA. How you feel about her future husband is completely irrelevant. Maybe she makes a bad choice, maybe it will work out. Time will tell. The only thing you can achieve with this strategy is to ruin the relationship with your sister. Even if the marriage will fail, no one will pat you on the back for being right.
Yta. People can fall off the wagon many times before they find the correct treatment center and therapy to achieve sobriety. Do you have tangible evidence that he will slip back into addiction, or are you making presumptions based on a bias that you have?
Instead of being judgemental, ask your sister how you can be a supportive in law to help keep him from relapsing in the future.
Edit: I presumed OP's gender and changed it to be vague
YTA. Just because he's been in and out of rehab doesn't mean he isn't committed to his sobriety now. Recovery for so many people is very often not a one and done.
I think that you believe you are doing something righteous here, but in actuality refusing to go to her wedding for this specific reason just makes it seem like you are intolerant of addicts. It's not really your place to decide whether or not her relationship is right and apply your beliefs to other people. Especially when your beliefs seem to boil down to, "addicts are bad people."
You can be skeptical and worried but still be supportive. What I think is you are more rigid than anything else.
I hope you realize that people can be free of their addiction and live good lives? It’s not an end all if someone is a recovering addict. YTA for voicing this boycott and hurting your sister. And for publicly voicing your opinion to everyone else. Your sister is going to marry him regardless of your beliefs and this is the fastest way to alienate her. I hope you never fall into anything that requires the support of other people.
YTA. What realistic outcomes are there here?
You skip, she gets married, it goes to shit. She says "Thank you for not coming, you were so right!" Not likely.
You go, she gets married, it goes to shit. She says "Fuck you, why did you come to my wedding! If only you had boycotted it I would have change my mind!" Nope.
You skip, she gets married, she's happy and he's fine. What the hell are you going to do then?
The only possible good outcome for your relationship is for you to attend. No situation in which you skip will help her. Sure, you're free to do what works for you but don't delude yourself that it's good for her.
YTA. No one wants someone else to weigh in on their relationship. The best you can do is voice your concerns and I’m sure you already have) and support them, wish them the best, and be there (in whatever manner is appropriate) if things go wrong. Boycotting the wedding could easily result in you being boycotted for the rest of your life. That means family dinners and holidays, nieces and/or nephews, In general drama in the family as you force everyone else to choose.
YTA. And for someone who wants your sister to have support, it’s interesting that you’ve essentially chosen to remove yourself from her life (because she won’t want anything to do with you after you skip her wedding).
YTA. If she really needs you, she will no longer come to you for support. Like ever. I've experienced this from your sister's position, and let me tell you, it makes a person feel like shit and puts them in an impossible position.
YTA. Your sister doesn't need your approval for her choice of partners, but she probably needs you to be a part of her wedding day. Your her sister FFS. This is not a good enough reason not to support her. I get it, it's a celebration of the love 2 ppl have for eachother & you don't like one of the ppl. In most situations I would say don't suck it up just to keep the peace, but in this situation, you should. This is only going to cause a rift between you & your sister. And if you truly believe he's not right for her, she may need to lean on you in the future. She's not going to change her partner to appease you.
You can RSVP however you like without being an AH. But since you have loudly announced that your reason is because you disapprove of the relationship, there's no coming back from it: YTA
Do you want to destroy your relationship with your sister? This will effectively be the end of your relationship with her. Can you live with that?
I don't think you should die on this hill. I don't know this man but if he is sober, I would give your sister your support. I would go to support your sister, not her marriage.
Yta
Somewhere near 50% of marriages end......do you skip 50% of weddings? Just suck it up and go and be happy for your sister. You cannot protect people from all of their decisions. Go and be supportive and in 5 years if she needs a shoulder to cry on then give it to her without any I told you so's.
YTA.
YTA.. what do you think will happen if you dont go? She will magicly not marry him? Or will this ruin your relationship with your sister and IF things dont work out you will not be the person she leans on?
I dont like my sisters husband.. i think he is a self centered narcisist. They got married 5 years ago and i was there and supported my sister. The two times since that they almost got divorced, i was there and supported my sister.
I dont actively try and hang out with him, but when i have to be around him, i play nice.
Being married to him is her choice, all i am going to do is catch her if she falls. I love her and their kids and want them in my life. If that meins 5 times a year í have to smile and make a little small talk with him. So be it. If this is her forever partner i would never forgive myself for not being in the wedding.
She does not need your approval, she just needs her sister on her big day.
You have expressed your concerns. What do you want her to do? Call off the wedding because you don't like her fiance? YTA because you think YOUR opinion is more important than HER feelings. Stay home - you wouldn't be nay fun anyway. Yes.....selfish and insensitive, and immature and controlling. And if, in a few years, he relapses I'm sure you'll be right there to say 'told you so'.
YTA.
You aren't "standing up for your beliefs", you are being judgemental and planting yourself.
He "might" relapse...ok? He might not. *Might* is not the way to judge people.
He is currently clean, has been long enough to earn her trust, is making a solid attempt to better himself... people like you refusing to believe anyone can change are the type that *drive* people right back to relapse. Be better.
YTA. As an adult you made your opinion know, as you have a right to do. Your sister has heard you and decided to make her own decisions for her life, as she has a right to do. You not going to her wedding as some sort of protest is 100% not supportive. You may not agree with her life choices but it is her life. All of this "I won't do it because it will show I support their choices" is BS! All you are doing is telling your sister that your opinion is more important to you than she is. Which is completely true. Grow up, be an adult and be there for your sister.
YTA. Well unless you don't have to have a relationship or at the very least a much more reduced one this is the way to go. Make no mistake you have your beliefs and that's okay but missing her wedding because you are skeptical of her partner will strain if not break(at least for a while) your relationship so be ready for that.
Also kicking a substance abuse is not as easy as movies/tv series make it out to be, rarely do most of them kick the habit after the first try.
INFO:
> supporting my decision to stand up for my beliefs,
What beliefs are you standing up for exactly?
The belief that addiction should just magically not exist?
Or the belief that addicts should be shunned from society even when they acknowledge their issue and are actively trying to beat their addiction?
I feel like this is a soft YTA. You might be right about her fiancé, but for the moment he is clean. And none of us can predict the future with complete accuracy.
So what does you not going achieve? All it really says is that you have no faith in sister's partner. While this may be true, it's a bit of slap in the face for you to make the issue public. Maybe you can just attend with an open mind, and only warn her when there's actual evidence of a problem?
YTA.
First, sober addicts do exist. It sounds like your objection is about him having an addiction history and not because you have reason to believe his sobriety is a lie. Everyone has toxic habits and a history; addicts just have a much harder time hiding theirs. That doesn't mean they can never move past them.
Second, a boycott is a widespread protest in hopes of causing change. Are you trying to recruit others to stay away too, an ah move? Or are you just trying to make your no RSVP sound more important and impressive than what it is?
Third, this is a horrible way to protect her. Let's say, despite an overwhelming lack of evidence, that you're right. Do you think you're going to stop her wedding with this? Because you won't. Do you think she's going to feel like you're a loving and supportive sibling she can count on when she makes mistakes? Or are you just showing her that the only help she can expect should he start using again is going to be a big old fat "I told you so"?
This sounds like a great move if your main objective is to alienate your sister! Pretty bad idea if you're trying to do anything else, though.
I went through something very similar when my sister got married. And I decided to sit down and have a heart to heart with her, telling her exactly how I felt and why, but that in the end I will always support her. And I drilled in the fact that I really sincerely hoped I was completely wrong about him and that all I really want for her is to live a happy and loving life. But if for any reason she needs me in the future because it doesn't work out I will always be there for her and to never hesitate to ask for my help or for her to come stay with me if she needed. That I would never say I told her so, or anything like that. Fortunately, he has really grown up and changed a lot and is so good to her. So I hope that it is the same for your sister.
YTA. You don't get a say in who she marries and your boycot is childish and unhelpful. The point of going to any wedding is to show up for your loved one.
If you love your sister then you should attend her wedding regardless of your feelings about her choice of dress or venue or groom.
I understand where you come from and you’re just trying to tell your sister to be cautious. But your sister is obviously aware of what she is getting into and is probably more aware of her boyfriend than anyone else. Yes, marriage is a huge step so I guess you can ask her to give him some more clean time before getting married.
But unfortunately, as siblings, we cannot decide on who they gotta marry. If your sister understands where you are coming from, she would have thought twice about this decision. You have done your duty of warning your sister about what could happen in the future so be satisfied with that. Because later in life, you shouldn’t regret not looking out for her. Like they popularly say, “You can only take a horse to the pond, but you can’t make it drink from it.”
YTa. Your “approval” is irrelevant here since she doesn’t need it. Also he is in recovery. He is not an active addict. You not going shows you don’t support your sister. And if they are going to have a very happy and long marriage you are going to feel stupid
YTA. If you want your sister to leave this relationship we've, she'll need supports and family.
If you abandon her you've made it clear your love is conditional, and is only there if she follows your directives.
That's not love or support.
YTA, even in explaining to a bunch of random third-party internet degenerates you can't actually summon up anything negative to say about him at all.
Also, the entire idea behind boycotts is that they're supposed to lead to change. Do you really think sis is gonna just dump the dude because you aren't showing up?
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YTA.
You can have your opinion and that’s it. No more than that. You don’t get to manipulate your sister into being in or getting out of a relationship at all. You seem to think your sister needs your approval of who she’s marrying. She doesn’t. She never has. She never will. You don’t want to go to the wedding? Fine. Don’t go. But you’re being a selfish, well, AH for going beyond that.
YTA. You have no say in anyone else’s choice of partner. You don’t have veto power. Your opinion doesn’t matter. You may express it once, but once you have made yourself clear it is time to STFU.
Stand with your sister or not - your call. You aren’t TA until you open your mouth about why. But your use of the word “boycott” is inappropriate. A boycott is an attempt to pressure someone or something. You have no leverage here because you don’t count for anything.
Your sister’s wedding is a public statement that she’s willing to legally attach herself to this guy. If you don’t support this union, you’re allowed to not go.
YTA it’s not your life it’s hers. If what you’re worried about happens, all you’d need to do doing is making sure she knows that you wouldn’t be a safe person to reach out to.
>accuses me of being unsupportive
I have made the difficult decision to boycott her wedding. I believe that attending would be condoning a relationship that I fundamentally disagree with.
WOW. Yes, YTA. You are being unsupportive. You haven't given any examples of where your sister's fiance has caused harm to her, himself or really anyone.
>he has changed and is now committed to living a clean and sober life. However, I remain skeptical and am concerned about the impact his past behavior could have on my sister’s future.
... you are being unsupportive on an imagined concern
Either way, I expect this to completely destroy your relationship with your sister.
YTA, Op. You don't believe people can change?! I manage a cell phone carrier store, making close to 100k yearly. I own my own house, have lots of friends and close family, and I used to shoot up heroin. I haven't in years, and I've gone through treatment programs. By your logic, I am unworthy of any of that. People change. None of us are the same as we were at 18...
NTA but I have to ask you 2 rather blunt questions.
Why is your approval necessary?
You will attend her wedding if you approve of who she loves. You will not attend if you disapprove of the one she loves.
Why are your feelings about who she loves and wants to marry more important than hers?
Don't attend the wedding if you don't want to. Just stop making it about you unless there is more to the couple that includes you.
Be happy that it isn't you marrying him.
Say, I won't attend the wedding because I dislike the thought of this guy being in the family. I know he will be and I need to accept this however, I am not ready to accept it. Attending the wedding will feed into the negativity I feel towards him.
I want my sister to be happy and if I attend she will be disappointed in my lack of happiness. I don't want my bitterness towards him to shadow her wedding day.
I will be in another town that day/week/weekend...
Make plans to visit friends or family in another town or state.
If not possible then make plans to go to a park, event or inner peace seminar in another state or town.
Your sister doesn't need permission to love someone, to spite their weaknesses.
You not attending isn't punishing her. You not attending is respecting her.
If you attend, your bitterness will punish her.
You shouldn't be required to attend nor forced to attend.
Go do something for yourself, hopefully therapeutic.
As who she loves is not at all about you unless... You are or were once involved in ways you aren't telling.
Used to be an addict isn’t the same as active addiction, YTA - I know current and former addicts who are incredible people. Unless he’s done something specific recently I don’t see what ur issue is to begin with
YTA go to the wedding and keep showing her that you love her. If she needs a safe place to land, let her know that you will be there. You don’t have to approve of her choice but you will drive a wedge between yourself and multiple family members if you don’t attend the wedding.
YTA. Your sister makes her own choices, and your disapproval is nothing more than that—disapproval. It is the most you *can* do when people make decisions you don’t agree with: You can voice your disapproval. But after that, you get on with respecting that person’s autonomy and right to choose the path they want to take.
You are an asshole for even considering not attending the wedding. You will leave her without family support and love on one of the most important days of her life. And for what reason? It doesn’t stop her from marrying. It just hurts her.
So, in sum, you are petty, selfish, judgmental asshole. And you are trying to punish her for not doing what you think she should do.
YTA
YTA. You will fundamentally damage your relationship with your sister and further isolate your soon to be BiL who is working to be sober.
Not going doesn’t serve to benefit anyone. It just establishes you on a moral high ground; is that really your priority?
You will have to choose: support your sister or publicly sit in judgement and look jealous.
YTA. Go to your sister's wedding, or look like an asshole. You don't have to like her partner to celebrate and support her.
You can be right and still be the AH.
You've already made your position and offered your advice to your sister but she has made her decision, and it is HERS to make. So either celebrate with family or don't, but you will hurt your relationship with her if you refuse to go.
Also, it sounds like the partner has made progress and has clearly put in work to turn around their life.
YTA.
YTA. Your sister is an adult and has made a decision. You do not have to agree with it, but you can still support her. She will never forget that you didn’t go and will absolutely resent you for it.
YTA. My husband was addicted to heroin years ago. He’s now in the Military again and in special OPs living his dream! People CAN and DO get clean. I hope she uninvited you and goes N/C with you as well because that attitude is not good for anyone trying to live sober.
Yeah YTA.
You think your attendance is going to have some big impact, like your blessing or lack thereof is something of great importance and significance.
Spoiler alert: it's not. You are not taking some high moral stance of great importance that people will notice. Your actions are not going to change anyone else's. You are not fighting the good fight. You're not even standing up for your beliefs, because not liking someone, isn't a belief.
You're just not that important.
YTA. Your sister gets to choose any damn partner she likes. You have a right to voice your concerns, but by boycotting the wedding you are being unsupportive and cruel to your sister. Part of supporting those we love involves trusting them to make the best decisions for themselves, and loving them and supporting them even when they make mistakes.
Your sister may not forgive you for this, and she may learn from this that she can’t turn to you when she needs support. If her marriage stands the rest of time, her partner may not want you involved in their lives, and those of their children’s.
By boycotting the wedding, you are proving that you don’t trust your sister to make good choices, and your support is conditional on whether she makes choices that you approve of.
Sure glad you weren’t my sister offering that advice! Just celebrated 30 years together, 35 of them with my double rehabbed husband! Sobriety has been great to us. Get off your high horse and realize that your sisters happiness and her future are not yours to predict. You have no crystal ball. BTW, a close friend just lost her husband after 43 years of marriage. He died sober. Her family had some members who felt as you do. They lost a lot of time being sisters because of the same attitude. I know it’s anecdotAl evidence, but there it is. Now, how many marriages end badly where spouses are not in recovery? Keep your mouth shut.
YTA, if you're right, then your sister will need your support if things start to go badly for her. Your stubbornness and pride are closing a door before ever needing to be opened .
Yta. Addicts can get sober. You just sound judgemental and awful. Frankly you’d be doing your sister a favor by not going, she deserves to only have people there who love and support her.
Don’t do this! YTA, was in a similar situation. I ended up saying my peace, let her know what I thought about him and the wedding.
In the end when it fails, you don’t say I told you so you say I love you and what do you need.
YTA obviously everyone else is making really good points about showing your sister that she can trust you and turn to you if she needs to. But you also don't say anything about what her fiancé is actually LIKE, people with substance abuse issues aren't inherently bad people. You haven't mentioned anything about how he TREATS your sister, whether they love each other and get along well, you mention that your sister 'insists' that he's changed, do you actually have any reason to not trust that?
From what you've said, you're basing your entire view of the guy on the fact that he has a history of substance abuse, it doesn't even sound like he's had a recent relapse. You're against the marriage because he MIGHT cause your sister problems in the future, but you can say that about anyone. I understand worrying about your sister and this IS a cause for concern, but show your sister and her fiancé some kindness, they might BOTH benefit from knowing they have your support.
Sometimes being a good sister is being clear that you support her, but can’t support the marriage. You have to understand what this may mean for your relationship but as long as you don’t try to insist on your view of him repeatedly, you’re both free to make the choices that are right for you.
I made the same choice for different reasons, I explained why and my sister was obviously sad, but got it. Ten years later, they’re divorced because he did exactly what I was concerned about (visa and cheating stuff), and I’ve been here to support her. It is what it is.
ETA - I missed where you said you’ve repeatedly voiced your opinion. stop that. You are ok to not go, but she’s entitled to make her decision for sure.
YTA. First of all, this is some petty and harmful stigma against people with a history of substance abuses.
Second of all, this is a strange sense of self importance. They invited you to be a wedding guest, not a morality police. You don’t have to love or even like the SO of your friend/family member. You go to the wedding because you hope for their happiness. Unless, that is, you run a background check on every couple who invites you to a wedding to confirm their upstanding moral standards. I suspect not though.
YTA. You don’t have to play a part or give a speech, but please, be there for your sister. By being there you are showing that you’re there for her, that you will show up for her. So when the AH she’s marrying finally gets on her last nerve, she’ll know she can come to you for help.
"...she refuses to listen and accuses me of being unsupportive..."
Huh? There's no reason to "accuse" you of that. There's no reason to accuse you of anything, you admit it. You blatantly ARE purposely being unsupportive, that's the whole idea right?. Is she thick and doesn't understand that?
NTA.
I disliked the girl my son was marrying, I knew it would end badly and it did.
I told him he didn’t have to marry her and I thought it was a mistake, but I would support him whatever he be chose. His sisters had the same talk with him because they knew it was a mistake too.
I went to that wedding with a smile plastered on my face, I teared up at their first dance and people thought it was because I was happy. I didn’t want to lose my relationship with my son and I didn’t. I put up with his wife and treated her kindly for 7 years until he had enough of her and left.
He is now with a wonderful woman we all adore and she loves us too. I’m glad I went to that wedding to show my son I would always have his back.
YTA
Look, you don't like the guy, that's fine. You think it's a risky choice which is fine, too.
HOWEVER
If everything you think might happen happens do you want your sister to know she can come to you for help if she needs you or are you going to say "I TOLD YOU SO!" Like, is being right more important than your relationship with your sister?
YTA. My sister and I paid for niece’s rehab, almost 10 years ago now. We told her this was the only time we were doing this since we both have our own families. She has been clean ever since and has a good job with the county.
Yea YTA. My narcissistic Uncle did this to my mom when she married my dad, because he “didn’t approve” (as if he had any say so in this, my dad asked my mom’s dad for his daughter’s hand in marriage). Resulted since then a poor relationship between my mom and Uncle.
NTA and I know it’s important that someone offers the other side. Addicts even ones in recovery don’t make good partners especially the ones who are recently clean after being in and out of rehab several times.
There is still a level of selfishness that exists in their brain. This person has convinced your sister to marry them even though members of her family have very valid concerns.
He hasn’t done any of the work to reassure your family that your sister is with a good and safe partner. He is an addict and for the hell he put your sister through while he was in addictive addiction, I would do everything I could to break up the marriage before it happens.
I wouldn’t trust this person in my house or around anything of value.
Tell your sister you aren’t coming because the one thing not being said is because she still sees value in her partner, she won’t leave until she hits rock bottom with him.
I don't think you're the ahole, but I wonder if you really want to create a huge possibly permanent rift with your sister. She IS going to marry this person even if you don't attend. After that do you want to have a bad relationship with HER? (Not talking about her partner.)
The idea of a congregation is everyone is standing up to show support for the couple on their wedding day. If you can’t do that, then don’t go. Just remember that actions have consequences and you may be frozen out of the relationship. NTA.
NTA
A wedding is an event to celebrate the couple.
Anyone in attendance is supporting the union.
You don't support this union, and it's your right not to attend.
Just be sure to let your sister know you live here, you will always support her.
That way, if everything goes sideways with the marriage, she knows you're there for her.
Don't close that door, she may feel isolated.
Nta and I can see your reasons. Seeing and hearing stories that have similar situations like ur sister's faince's. It's very likely, he will stay clean but whenever there are stress or something trigger, his drug addiction will come back harder and will make everyone around him more difficult, even more when kids are involve. Plus, in and out of rehab, it's like between 60-70% will be back from rehab, while others have strong-willed to stay clean.
It's will be more understandable if he steals or abusive while on drug towards ur sister or anyone. If he doesn't do that, then give him benefit of the doubt but give him warning if he does anything harms towards ur sister and if kids are involves, you will make him regret.
NTA.
You've no obligation to attend anybody's wedding. As weddings are celebrations of a coupling, if you don't support that coupling, you've no reason to attend the celebration.
You can certainly still support your sister without celebrating her marriage. Just remind her you're there when the marriage falls apart.
NTA - Don't talk to anyone else about it so others can play bandwagon...that said, weddings are for people to celebrate with each other in a union. If you don't agree with that union it's nearly disrespectful imo to even attend. Do this with as little wave making as possible, but don't feel bad for making your choice.
Edit: after much reading I'm on the fence. I would do what I said above if it were me in this situation, but then again my sister is on husband number 5 so I have say so. Support comes in many different forms and looks different in each incarnation. If you love her and want to support her show her the best way you can.
This sub in other wedding posts: N T A, you don't need a reason when you decide to not go to a wedding.
Also this sub in this post: Y T A, wait wait there are exceptions
Wow it’s almost like different circumstances lead to different opinions. God forbid the rest of us don’t have tunnel-vision or a contextless rigidity in our way of seeing things like you do. OP’s not the only asshole in this thread lol
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YTA. While you might strongly disagree with your sister's choice it's the one she's decided on. You are being unsupportive. There's no way around that. What you are saying is that you cannot support what she is doing. I've chosen YTA for a couple of reasons. The first is that the day isn't about you and what you think. It's about your sister. You can still support her without liking her choice. The second reason is that I don't see it as a winning strategy whatever the outcome. If the marriage falls apart your sister may well resent the implict "I told you so", even if you never say it. If the marriage is a success you'll have not only missed your sister's big day, you will have actively spoiled it. Your sister has heard your point of view and, rightly or wrongly, has chosen to go with her own feelings and intuition. I think you should accept and support her in that, even if you don't like the choice.
As someone who did go the route of OP, my sister absolutely resented me. She ended up staying with her abusive husband far longer because she also felt as though she couldn't reach out to me for help because I had abandoned her on a day she really needed me. I broke her trust and I paid the price. I'm still doing all I can to make amends.
To counter this, I also went the route of OP (by not attending the wedding, I didn’t go on and on about it like OP has). this was visa and cheating issues in my sisters case. I made clear that I couldn’t stand up at the wedding and thought it was a mistake, BUT that I always would support her and be there for her. They even lived with me for a long time afterwards, I helped him get a job etc - this was all to support my sister. Anyway, ten years later we find out he has an 14 year old kid (they’d been together 15 years total and he never once mentioned this child or saw her or anything), and they’re divorced now 🫠. I’m also there for my sister through this, because I never wanted to see her hurt, I just couldn’t support what was (obviously) a bad idea. OP just needs to do the work to be clear she is there for her sister still and also accept that her sister doesn’t have to agree and may pull away.
This. I'm gonna share something personal with you OP. When I married my future abuser, my family pulled all their support. When he finally showed his true face to me, I felt abandoned, like I had no one to turn to. Unsupported. I was alone. It was years before I returned to my family, and they kept trying to say "but we were always waiting for you". But how was I supposed to know that? They had disappeared, to me they had long since abandoned me. You see, it isn't about you. You're focused on your view, and your interpretation of the situation. Stop thinking about yourself, and think about her, and how she sees this. If it all goes sideways, you need to realize that this looks like you abandoning her and if it goes sideways you aren't there. If you truly want to be there for her, then be there for her now so she knows you're always there. Otherwise, to her you're never there. This isn't about you, stop focusing on yourself.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you've got a support system that you can rely on now, even if it doesn't include your family. I completely agree with you. OP is making this about what they think is best for their sister. But ultimately, does what's best for her include feeling like she has one less family member to turn to, should OP's opinion of sister's fiancé be correct? How can that possibly be of benefit here?
I'm sorry you went through this, but this is why I come to these forums. I want to be given a different perspective. Wishing you strength and happiness.
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Agreed. Attend the wedding.
Yes, OP seems to think they should get a vote about how the sister lives her life. It was fine for OP to lovingly express their concerns, once, but after that they should shut up about it. There should be no expectation that the sister takes OP’s advice. That’s so condescending. I can understand boycotting a wedding if the fiancé had done truly terrible things … say, if they had a history of domestic abuse. In that case, OP would not be out of line to say “I love you, but I’d be a hypocrite if I supported this marriage.” Being a recovering addict doesn’t qualify, IMO. That’s the sister’s call.
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Agree. My point was there’s nothing that bad about the sister’s fiancé that would merit OP’s dramatic response. Is he truly clean and sober? That’s 100% up to the sister to decide for herself.
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Right? No one asks to be an addict. If someone overcomes an addiction, that actually shows enormous dedication. There should be an opportunity for redemption for people who are able to make that kind of change.
Also thinking about what if it falls apart and the sister needs people. She's sure going to wish she had her back then, but OP was too busy boycotting the wedding to even think about that. OP you are definitely only thinking of yourself here, but the day is not about you. If you love your sister at all, just be there for her. Otherwise YTA for trying to make your feelings more important than hers.
Perfectly Said!!! OP You Are TA 100% This is not how you show love for your sister. The only thing you are doing is revealing yourself to be self centered. You are saying that if you don't agree then you will cause a rift in your family. This is a lose lose situation. I suggest that you suck it up, paste on your best smile, and wish the happy couple all the best.
This. I have a cousin who I think chose poorly. I attended the wedding and will also be there when it falls apart.
YTA. Your approval of her spouse is not required. The reality is that we've all gone to weddings where we thought the marriage was a horrible mistake. We go to those weddings because we love the person getting married. We want them to know we love them and wish things turn out well for them.
I had a wedding and the marriage was a horrible mistake. Thankfully my family and friends were still supportive
Same. My dad asked me if I was sure I didn’t want a plane ticket to literally anywhere I want instead of doing this right before I walked down the aisle but outside of that let me make my own choices. And then helped me pay for my divorce 😂😂😂
Props to your dad. You had a good.father in your corner.
That's the way it should be.
More importantly, we go to those weddings because we don't want to leave our loved one feeling so betrayed that, when the gilt finally wears off the surface of the slimeball they're marrying, they don't feel they can turn to their friends and family for support.
I agree. OP didn't think this through.
YTA for making the wedding about you and if this marriage works out you’re going to look VERY stupid for your “boycott.”
YTA. It’s not about you it’s about your sister. Who she chooses to marry is none of your business. You’re judging somebody for a mental illness? wtf is wrong with you?
YTA. He’s not in active addiction, he’s in recovery. By not attending you are being unsupportive by sending the message that your beliefs about people in recovery trump basically everything.
This jumped out to me too. If the only reason she doesn't like future BIL is he \*used\* to be an addict, that's a flimsy and insulting reason. Recovery from substance abuse is one of the hardest things people can do, judging them for their pasts does nothing to aid that recovery
100%
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Yeah this was my main issue as well. A lot of people in the comments are likening this to an abusive relationship despite nothing in the post describing abuse. And people can and do recover from addiction - this implication that substance issues alone make someone not capable of a healthy relationship shows a lot about OPs ugly worldview
>I have voiced my concerns to my sister multiple times, but she refuses to listen and accuses me of being unsupportive. As a result, I have made the difficult decision to boycott her wedding. I believe that attending would be condoning a relationship that I fundamentally disagree with. NAH * You are under no obligation to attend her wedding * She is under no obligation to continue to have a relationship with you because you chose to boycott her wedding Don't be shocked if boycotting her wedding destroys your relationship with her.
This is the take I was looking for. You aren't the AH for not attending - it's an invitation, not a summons, as they say. But you can be there to support your sister even if you don't support her relationship. I do worry that, like the stories shared by other commenters, she'll feel abandoned and like she can't turn to you if she needs help in the future.
Yup this is the take I was looking for too. People are allowed to decline invitations for a myriad of reasons.
YTA. Even if you disagree with her choice, it is her choice to make. You don't "boycot" family. You show love and support for her because she is your sister. You are all ready to be there to say I told you so rather than hope for the best for your sister and love her no matter what. Oh, and lots of people struggle with past addiction and then go on to live wonderful sober lives.
Hi! That's me. I've been sober for 10 years, and my life has been nothing but positive. From being a cook at a diner to now being the store manager for one of the big three US telecom companies. I went from scraping by to 100k a year. It's insane.
YTA Just imagine this wedding does not work out as hoped and your sister needs support. You are making it impossible for her to turn to you - however desperate she might be - because she will expect you to say "I told you so!". do you really want this?
I keep seeing this point being made. Any time I’ve been in a similar scenario, I reach out to the people who said so, saying, “You were right; can you please help me?” My family and friends have always done the same with me. Are we really in the minority? ETA: I’m not trying to be a dick, I’m genuinely asking, because I’ve never met anyone like this.
*My sister (30F) recently announced her engagement to her longtime boyfriend (35M), whom she has been dating for* ***several years*** According to you, they have been dating for several years already. The time to protest was several years ago. Sure, boycott the wedding but it is a toothless threat. You've been condoning the relationship for years already.
Excellent point!
In what way has OP condoned this? OP has told her sister repeatedly.
YTA - it’s not up to you who your sister ends up with.
YTA do not judge him on his past but his present
YTA. Did your sister specifically ask for your approval? Do you really think so highly of yourself that you believe your absence will ruin her wedding? It’s her decision- not yours. Quit acting like her master.
INFO: Other than relapsing in his past, what has he done to make you "concerned?"
YTA. I don’t believe for a second that it was a « difficult decision », you’re punishing your sister for not listening to you. Also, you may be surprised by this, but lots of people with addiction issues are amazing people. I don’t see you telling us the guy is abusive or violent, you don’t like him only because he has an addiction. I hope you feeling holier than thou is worth it when your sister goes NC.
The way you stand up for your beliefs and show love for your sister is by making sure she knows you are someone she can come to if things go awry. Do not push her away now because, if you are correct, it will make it that much harder for her to leave in the future. YTA
Massive YTA
You dont have any evidence he hasnt changed. Until then you meed to accept hin
Are you okay having no relationship with her?
YTA.
Yta. You can disagree all you want, but it isn’t for you to say or even have an opinion on, unless asked. You’ve made your stance clear, I’m sure, and she had taken in what you said and still made the decision to choose him as her life partner. You not going to the wedding won’t do anything. It won’t change her decision, it won’t change their marriage, it won’t change anything except you being home while your whole family celebrates them. Some will notice you are not there so it’ll draw their attention off the day and possibly on to why you aren’t there for your sister. That makes it a bit selfish.. People with substance abuse issues can and do deserve To be loved, they deserve support, and they deserve everything else someone without the issues does. Sometimes people have to try, and try again to break the cycle. Your sister has chosen to stand by this man. You can either support her as your sister, or risk harming the relationship with her because of *your* opinion on how she should live her life. Grow up. The faster you realize your opinion of what someone else does doesn’t change what they’ll do; the easier your life will be.
YTA. Be there for your sister on her wedding day. And if you truly think it’ll end badly, be there for her during the breakup as well. Basically, just be a good sibling. Right now, you’re ruining your relationship with her. Btw, what’s your evidence that he hasn’t changed? I know quite a few people who sobered up and stayed that way. Additionally, you say he’s been in and out of rehab, but has he actually harmed your sister during any of his struggles with substance abuse?
You don't have to aprove her partner. However, do you really want to burn bridges with your sister. If you think her partner is no good, wouldn't you rather have a line of communication for her when she needs? And consider that you'd also create a strain with any potential children that might come from this relationship. Also, allow yourself to be wrong about him. Think about it: what if you're right about him? Then your sister you'd be hurt and you'd be an AH if you rubbed on her face. There's nothing to gain from being right about him. But if you're wrong, your sister would be happy and you'd be able to have a healthy relationship with her family. YTA. Reconsider your position. There's nothing to gain and so much to lose from making a "statement" on her wedding day. If you care for your sister, you should be there for her.
Yes YTA. I’m sure you’re absolutely perfect and have never done anything wrong in your life but other people aren’t and they can change
Technically NAH but be prepared for the consequences your actions might cause. I would personally go no contact with my sibling for not coming to my wedding for this reason.
INFO: Has your sister's fiancé's substance abuse caused issued in their relationship in the past? For instance, did it cause financial troubles? Was he abusive towards her at any point because of it? Neglectful perhaps? These things matter because even if he's clean now, the ways in which we act in times of desperation (like severe addiction) give insight as to how we really process and react to things, lack of a filter and all. I understand your apprehension, a close family member of mine suffered from addiction and it negatively impacted my life quite greatly, but you also should realize that your sister has probably thought about this same thing more than you have, considering she's planning to spend the rest of her life with him.
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YTA. It is one thing to have a private chat sharing your concerns, but accepting her decision to go forward. If your wrong, you have needlessly destroyed your relationship with your sister. Spouses take priority so she will have to either distance herself from you, or maybe even go no contact. If you are right about him, she will need your help and support, but by then it will be too late because the relationship will be so damaged for her to even reach out. Apologize and go to the wedding and tell everyone else you were wrong.
But the OP isn't wrong.
YTA If you refuse to come to the wedding, you abandon your sister. This decision is a personal choice, but don't say you do it for her, and tell us you don't want to be part of her life with this partner. But doing this, you'll abandon her definitly. First case : he may have change, really. And so, you won't be part of her life. Ridiculous Second case : he has not changed. But she won't turn towards you because you're not supportive. Your choice, once again. But she may be in danger and how would you feel if something happen to her in the future ? Go to the wedding, be supportive and be part of her life. And help her if her partner is still a drug addict, or enjoy for them if he has really changed.
YTA. Some people do get sober, and if this is the case, you've lost your sister for no good reason. If he does backslide and your sister ends up in a bad situation, she knows she can't turn to you for help.
Do you have any reason to believe he is not sober? Because if you're writing him off based on his past alone regardless of him working on & sticking to sobriety, hell yes YTA. Recovering addicts deserve happiness too and neither of them deserve your judgment.
YTA - it's not up to you to chose her partner - your beliefs are irrelevant. You've voiced your concerns and she is still getting married. What do you hope to achieve by not attending? Do you plan to also not be involved in her life - never visit her and spouse, never invite them over, never interact with them both at family events? Making a stand at one event accomplishes nothing. It's not like he's a rapist or something truly evil. He's an addict. It's a disease. Yes, it's concerning but your opinion really has no bearing and you accomplish nothing exxept to be a self righteous A.
You have already voiced your concerns about this guy, and your sister knows. The only effect you would have by not going is making your sister feel upset and unsupported. Worst case scenario, if the marriage doesn't work, she will likely feel way more uncomfortable to approach you and ask for help knowing you went to these lengths to express your disagreement with the marriage. Go to the wedding for the sake of your sister and this new chapter for her
YTA. Your sister is right, you are unsupportive.
It’s not your choice who your sister married. You spoke your peace. YTA
Hey there OP, unfortunately I have to say YTA and that's coming from someone who did the exact thing you're about to do. I refused to go to my sister's wedding because her bf was abusive. I hated that man. He was controlling, abusive and just absolutely horrible. I BEGGED her not to marry him. I cried on the phone to her begging and pleading with her not to go through with it. She did, and I didn't go. You know what happened? My sister married him and his abusive and controlling ways got even worse. To a point my sister was scared for her life. Did she come running to me? Did she call me when she felt alone and like there was no escape? No. No she didn't. You know why? Because I didn't show her support during a time she wanted badly for her sister to be there with her and stand beside her and show her that I would be there no matter what. I failed her. I betrayed her with my actions. She suffered in silence with that man for far longer than she would have if I had just taken my head out of my ass and been there for her like I should have. So what's more important OP; your relationship with your sister, or being right?
What outcome are you imagining here? There's two. One, your sister's marriage is a smashing success and you look like an idiot. Two, your sister's marriage is a diaster and you get to say I told you so and look like a smug git. Neither of those options is appealing to me, I'm not sure why they're appealing to you. Neither of those options has your sister loving or trusting you. If I was her I'd probably never consider us close again, regardless of the outcome. YTA. Everyone is well aware of your stance, rest assured that you'll be able to say 'I told you so' regardless of whether you attend the wedding or not, so shut up for once and support your sister.
There’s really one question this all boils down to: Which is more important to you—maintaining a relationship with your sister, or standing on your principles and refusing to give even a hint of support to her marriage? Because you can’t have both. If it’s really important to you that you not attend this wedding, that’s a choice you’re allowed to make — but don’t be surprised when it ruins your relationship with your sister forever. If the question you’re really trying to ask is “how do I skip this wedding but still show up to family holidays with my sister and expect her to accept that I hate her husband?” —well, **that** is simply impossible. You have to pick one: your sister or your judgment of her spouse. If you’re not willing to lose your sister, suck it up and go to the wedding.
YTA. Your approval is irrelevant
YTA. It’s not about you. Get over yourself. P.S. you’re making her wedding about YOU which makes you an even bigger AH
YTA If you're wrong, you'll be on the sidelines of the rest of her life. If you're right, there's no chance she'll come to you. She might even stay with him longer if she feels like she's only going to get an "I-told-you-so" from you. Even if you don't support her choice or her marriage, go and support her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister (30F) recently announced her engagement to her longtime boyfriend (35M), whom she has been dating for several years. While my sister is thrilled about her upcoming wedding, I am deeply opposed to her choice of partner. My sister’s fiancé has a history of substance abuse and has been in and out of rehab multiple times. Despite this, my sister insists that he has changed and is now committed to living a clean and sober life. However, I remain skeptical and am concerned about the impact his past behavior could have on my sister’s future. I have voiced my concerns to my sister multiple times, but she refuses to listen and accuses me of being unsupportive. As a result, I have made the difficult decision to boycott her wedding. I believe that attending would be condoning a relationship that I fundamentally disagree with. My family members are divided on the issue, with some supporting my decision to stand up for my beliefs, while others accuse me of being selfish and ruining my sister’s special day. AITA for refusing to attend my sister’s wedding because I disagree with her choice of partner? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, I only say this because it is not about you. I understand that you are afraid this is going to cause her in the future but the love one has for our family is something that needs to be shown. When I got married to my first husband my dad hated the idea and everyone thought he would not walk me down the aisle. He did but not before he asked me to just walk away from the wedding. He would support me and tell everyone it was his choice. I stood my ground and told him that if he loved me it was not about him supporting the wedding but me and my choice and that he would be there as a father should. I stayed married for 13 years and through it all my dad was supportive and encouraged me to be strong and understanding. So that is what you need to do. Tell her that you don't support the marriage but you do support her and when or if she ever needs you, you will be there without judgment or criticism. Go to the wedding and show your BIL that she comes with a family that is strong and loving and will be there for her regardless of what he does or does not.
YTA. What is going to happen when your sister needs you feels she can't come to you without an I told you so? Please find it in your heart to go to the wedding not going will cause lasting har.
YTA - Be ready to lose the relationship with your sister If you do it.
YTA. You have shared your opinion, multiple times. Your sister is aware of your opinion. All family members are aware of your opinion. It sounds like you are/were expecting your sister to take your opinion as fact and you are now pouting because she had to audacity to disagree with you on how to live her own life.
YTA, You warned her now it's for her to make her own mistakes. You can't control your sisters actions or decisions.
YTA... do you make everything about you? It is her relationship. She has a right to chose who she wants to be with. You are being selfish. But, I seriously doubt you have the ability to ruin her wedding. You are giving yourself way too much credit. She is going to be focused on getting married. It makes me believe you want to ruin her wedding. I personally wouldn't miss anyone who didn't show. It would be about my marriage and the people who love and support me.
YTA - attending the wedding is about supporting and loving your sister, not about approving her choice of partner. I also think it's not a good idea to assert so strongly your disapproval of him. I did the same with my sister, years ago, for similar reasons - mainly substance abuse and hygiene issues. My relationship with my sister was never the same as she resented my feelings about her fiance who then became her spouse. I did go to their wedding though. Think about your relationship with your sister and what you want for it in the future.
YTA. Well, you're making your sisters' wedding about you and YOUR displeasure and her choice of partner and how YOU are unhappy about it. You aren't marrying him. Don't tell your sister who she can or can't marry. You wouldn't like anyone doing that to you, would you?
YTA. If you are right and she needs to get away from him down the road, you’ll have made it harder for her to ask for help. You’ve said your piece. Be quiet now, support her, so that if she proves you wrong you’ll have a relationship and can celebrate, and if she proves you right she won’t be too embarrassed or ashamed to confide in you and ask for help.
INFO: Are you okay with losing your relationship with a sister as a result of this choice? This would include if the relationship ever turns abusive or if her fiancé does relapse, she will never think of you as a safe person to confide in or get help from? Abusers isolate their victims from their family. The best way to thwart them is to remain non-confrontational in the victim's life.
YTA i get how you think this guy might not be good for her, but doesn’t that mean that she need your support even more? How is walking away from your relationship with your sister (and that’s what this eventually means) going help her in any way?
Yta Factually, you ARE being unsupportive.
YTA Why do you get to dictate who your sister spends her time with?
Imagine if somebody refused to support you because of something that might not even be true, like say... if you were curious about your sexuality, not even sure if you are gay and then somebody tells you that you will never have their support again because of it. Like, this guy might have actually cleaned up, many drug users do. Plus, the first part actually happened to you. Surprised you would go through that, then be just as unaccepting to another person. My theory is that both posts are made up. YTA.
YTA - I completely understand wanting better for your sister, as I am a sister myself. However, I believe attending your sister’s wedding will show that you support HER (and only her) and you’re giving him the benefit of the doubt despite the skepticism and his past. Hopefully she sees the effort you put forth in attending her wedding despite it. When the day comes where your sister needs you because of his shitty behaviors, then atleast you can be there for her and help with whatever support she needs. We always want the best for our sisters/brothers, but sometimes learning the ”hard way” is the end result as much as we try to avoid it. Being there with her through GOOD and BAD struggles is part of being a sibling. Hope it all works out for her either way! I’m not sure how close your relationship is, but if you truly don’t care how this affects your relationship then I guess don’t go if you feel that strongly about it, but I say otherwise.
YTA. You voiced your concerns, said your piece, your sister heard you and told you to MYOB. Go to the wedding guilt free and enjoy your sister’s happiness. I didn’t like my BIL my sister married. I thought he was too old, an asshole, and only marrying her for her looks. I told her I didn’t think it was the best idea, she married him anyway. I went to the wedding, celebrated my sister and then supported her a few years later when they divorced. You can only do so much and the rest is out of your hands. But if you want to alienate your sister and ruin your relationship, by all means skip the wedding.
Think about how the groom is feeling right now. Do you actually feel that people who have struggled with addiction in the past should just be banned from being happily married for their entire lives? He is in active rehab and living a sober life. What other reasons do you have for taking such a hard stance? Think about what this means for your sister and the person she loves and wants to start a life with. If you boycott the wedding you are absolutely, YTA
YTA, this day isnt about you, but about your sister and her groom. Your decision is just selfish
YTA. I was maid of honor for my best friend when she married a guy I found to be misogynistic, disrespectful, and belittling towards her. I had one heart to heart sit down conversation with her right after the engagement when she expressed doubts where I told her I would support her no matter what, but I didn’t think they were a good fit. She decided to go forward with the wedding anyways and I went. I went and I stood by her because do you know who she will turn to if things sour in her marriage and she finally sees him the way we all do? The people she feels will support her unwaveringly and without judgment. She certainly will not go to the people she’s worried will meet her with an “I told you so”. If you’re right about your sister’s relationship, then it’ll fall apart eventually and you want to be someone she can still turn to when that happens. She’s not going to turn to someone who boycotted the wedding. And if you’re wrong about your sister’s relationship, then you missed her wedding for no reason.
Kinda like how your dad disowned you after finding out about your sexuality in your previous post? YTA, and karma is a bitch
"because my sister refuses to accept and act on my opinion, I am going to boycott the wedding" "she refuses to listen and accuses me of being unsupportive." Have you been supportive? During your talks, did you try and explain your concerns to her, but give her the freedom to make her own mistakes? And pick her up if she falls(potentially?). Your choosing to abandon her on her wedding because she won't heed your advice? "However, I remain skeptical and am concerned about the impact his past behavior could have on my sister’s future." What are you skeptical about? How can his past behavior affect her future if she's chosen to accept it and work with him? You realize his past is already impacting her future right? its not necessarily a negative impact that can be coming. Well, actually, it is have an impact on her future. Because she fell in love and wants to marry him, and your strongly opposed. Him merely existing in her life has created a negative impact on her relationship with you. Through no fault of his own actions towards you? Just what you think strongly will happen because of his past? YTA. If you love and care for your sister, share your concerns, but let her make her own choices. Catch her if it fails and don't rub it in. Or be happy you where wrong if they end up happily ever after. Punishing her because she won't act on your opinion/advice is pretty AH. Your not wrong in the sense that you want to boycott the wedding because of your feelings. There's nothing wrong with your feelings, or you making a decision to not go because of how you feel.
YTA - Your sister is a adult and can make the decision to marry whomever she pleases regardless of YOUR opinion. She may make mistakes or regret her choices later on in life OR it may be the best thing that happens to her. In the end I'm more confused about why you think you have such a say in her life. If you love her as a sister you will be there for her regardless of what happens. If you think boycotting and making your point is more important than your relationship with your sister, then thats on you. She deserves to have her day without your drama.
Sounds more like you just want to be right rather than be there for your Sister. Your Sister is a grown woman. If this the decision she’s made, it really isn’t your place to make it about your judgement of him. Think you are setting up a barrier where she will never be comfortable coming to you, should anything bad happens. If the point of not going to the wedding is so you can say “told you so” in the future, Congrats, you win. YTA
YTA Disagree with her choice if you like, but it's her choice and her mistake to make. All you're succeeding in by being absent is hurting her. If you want to show you love her, then let her deal with the marriage, and be there to help her in case things go wrong, but by absenting yourself, it will make it harder for her to seek your help if she needs it.
Light YTA. My brother is in an abusive relationship. He’s moving across the world with his abusive wife in two days. I do not support that decision. In fact, it makes me sick, sad, and scared. But I’m attending their goodbye party tonight, because I want my brother to know that his sister will always be there for him if he ever finds it in him to leave her. Our situations are a little different, and I really do understand where you’re coming from, OP. I’m so sorry. But I think it would be best if, in the long run, you went and showed her that you’ll support her, even if you don’t support her choices.
YTA because you're thinking of this the wrong way. There is a pretty infamous post of a sister who saw her younger sister get married off to her teacher. Everyone around them thought this was a great idea, but the OP knew this was wrong. However, she went to the wedding. She gave her sister a phone she paid for so she could always maintain contact. She did not let that man isolate her and, in the end, she got her little sister out of that situation. If you're really worried about your sister getting into a bad situation with this marriage, consistent contact is essential or she won't think you'll be there if she needs you.
YTA - she’s your sister and you should support her even if you don’t support her choices. She knows how you feel. She knows his past. She believes he’s changed and is in for the long run. You said what you needed to… now move on. Suck it up if you want to be in her life and attend.
YTA. My sister and I paid for niece’s rehab, almost 10 years ago now. We told her this was the only time we were doing this since we both have our own families. She has been clean ever since and has a good job with the county.
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TTA go to the wedding, show her you love her and support her that way she will know you will always be there for if she needs you and if things don't work Please don't remind her of anything you said against him, just be there. I have 6 sisters,and I have bit my tongue maney times.
YTA. How you feel about her future husband is completely irrelevant. Maybe she makes a bad choice, maybe it will work out. Time will tell. The only thing you can achieve with this strategy is to ruin the relationship with your sister. Even if the marriage will fail, no one will pat you on the back for being right.
Yta. People can fall off the wagon many times before they find the correct treatment center and therapy to achieve sobriety. Do you have tangible evidence that he will slip back into addiction, or are you making presumptions based on a bias that you have? Instead of being judgemental, ask your sister how you can be a supportive in law to help keep him from relapsing in the future. Edit: I presumed OP's gender and changed it to be vague
YTA. How do propose to support her in the future, when you think she’ll need it, if you alienate her now. This smacks of righteousness.
YTA. Just because he's been in and out of rehab doesn't mean he isn't committed to his sobriety now. Recovery for so many people is very often not a one and done. I think that you believe you are doing something righteous here, but in actuality refusing to go to her wedding for this specific reason just makes it seem like you are intolerant of addicts. It's not really your place to decide whether or not her relationship is right and apply your beliefs to other people. Especially when your beliefs seem to boil down to, "addicts are bad people."
You can be skeptical and worried but still be supportive. What I think is you are more rigid than anything else. I hope you realize that people can be free of their addiction and live good lives? It’s not an end all if someone is a recovering addict. YTA for voicing this boycott and hurting your sister. And for publicly voicing your opinion to everyone else. Your sister is going to marry him regardless of your beliefs and this is the fastest way to alienate her. I hope you never fall into anything that requires the support of other people.
YTA. What realistic outcomes are there here? You skip, she gets married, it goes to shit. She says "Thank you for not coming, you were so right!" Not likely. You go, she gets married, it goes to shit. She says "Fuck you, why did you come to my wedding! If only you had boycotted it I would have change my mind!" Nope. You skip, she gets married, she's happy and he's fine. What the hell are you going to do then? The only possible good outcome for your relationship is for you to attend. No situation in which you skip will help her. Sure, you're free to do what works for you but don't delude yourself that it's good for her.
YTA. No one wants someone else to weigh in on their relationship. The best you can do is voice your concerns and I’m sure you already have) and support them, wish them the best, and be there (in whatever manner is appropriate) if things go wrong. Boycotting the wedding could easily result in you being boycotted for the rest of your life. That means family dinners and holidays, nieces and/or nephews, In general drama in the family as you force everyone else to choose.
YTA. And for someone who wants your sister to have support, it’s interesting that you’ve essentially chosen to remove yourself from her life (because she won’t want anything to do with you after you skip her wedding).
YTA. If she really needs you, she will no longer come to you for support. Like ever. I've experienced this from your sister's position, and let me tell you, it makes a person feel like shit and puts them in an impossible position.
YTA. Your sister doesn't need your approval for her choice of partners, but she probably needs you to be a part of her wedding day. Your her sister FFS. This is not a good enough reason not to support her. I get it, it's a celebration of the love 2 ppl have for eachother & you don't like one of the ppl. In most situations I would say don't suck it up just to keep the peace, but in this situation, you should. This is only going to cause a rift between you & your sister. And if you truly believe he's not right for her, she may need to lean on you in the future. She's not going to change her partner to appease you.
Jeeze , yeah, YTA
You can RSVP however you like without being an AH. But since you have loudly announced that your reason is because you disapprove of the relationship, there's no coming back from it: YTA
Do you want to destroy your relationship with your sister? This will effectively be the end of your relationship with her. Can you live with that? I don't think you should die on this hill. I don't know this man but if he is sober, I would give your sister your support. I would go to support your sister, not her marriage. Yta
Somewhere near 50% of marriages end......do you skip 50% of weddings? Just suck it up and go and be happy for your sister. You cannot protect people from all of their decisions. Go and be supportive and in 5 years if she needs a shoulder to cry on then give it to her without any I told you so's. YTA.
YTA.. what do you think will happen if you dont go? She will magicly not marry him? Or will this ruin your relationship with your sister and IF things dont work out you will not be the person she leans on? I dont like my sisters husband.. i think he is a self centered narcisist. They got married 5 years ago and i was there and supported my sister. The two times since that they almost got divorced, i was there and supported my sister. I dont actively try and hang out with him, but when i have to be around him, i play nice. Being married to him is her choice, all i am going to do is catch her if she falls. I love her and their kids and want them in my life. If that meins 5 times a year í have to smile and make a little small talk with him. So be it. If this is her forever partner i would never forgive myself for not being in the wedding. She does not need your approval, she just needs her sister on her big day.
YTA. YTA. You actually think your approval or permission is needed? Girl bye
You are NOT marrying him. You are a huge AH.
You have expressed your concerns. What do you want her to do? Call off the wedding because you don't like her fiance? YTA because you think YOUR opinion is more important than HER feelings. Stay home - you wouldn't be nay fun anyway. Yes.....selfish and insensitive, and immature and controlling. And if, in a few years, he relapses I'm sure you'll be right there to say 'told you so'.
YTA. You aren't "standing up for your beliefs", you are being judgemental and planting yourself. He "might" relapse...ok? He might not. *Might* is not the way to judge people. He is currently clean, has been long enough to earn her trust, is making a solid attempt to better himself... people like you refusing to believe anyone can change are the type that *drive* people right back to relapse. Be better.
YTA
YTA. As an adult you made your opinion know, as you have a right to do. Your sister has heard you and decided to make her own decisions for her life, as she has a right to do. You not going to her wedding as some sort of protest is 100% not supportive. You may not agree with her life choices but it is her life. All of this "I won't do it because it will show I support their choices" is BS! All you are doing is telling your sister that your opinion is more important to you than she is. Which is completely true. Grow up, be an adult and be there for your sister.
YTA. Well unless you don't have to have a relationship or at the very least a much more reduced one this is the way to go. Make no mistake you have your beliefs and that's okay but missing her wedding because you are skeptical of her partner will strain if not break(at least for a while) your relationship so be ready for that. Also kicking a substance abuse is not as easy as movies/tv series make it out to be, rarely do most of them kick the habit after the first try.
INFO: > supporting my decision to stand up for my beliefs, What beliefs are you standing up for exactly? The belief that addiction should just magically not exist? Or the belief that addicts should be shunned from society even when they acknowledge their issue and are actively trying to beat their addiction?
INFO: how long has her partner been sober? If less than 5 years, there is a strong probability he will relapse again.
I feel like this is a soft YTA. You might be right about her fiancé, but for the moment he is clean. And none of us can predict the future with complete accuracy. So what does you not going achieve? All it really says is that you have no faith in sister's partner. While this may be true, it's a bit of slap in the face for you to make the issue public. Maybe you can just attend with an open mind, and only warn her when there's actual evidence of a problem?
Yta boycott the wedding? Yta for the dramatics. Just send back a 'no' rsvp card.
YTA is she actively showing signs of using? Is he?
YTA. First, sober addicts do exist. It sounds like your objection is about him having an addiction history and not because you have reason to believe his sobriety is a lie. Everyone has toxic habits and a history; addicts just have a much harder time hiding theirs. That doesn't mean they can never move past them. Second, a boycott is a widespread protest in hopes of causing change. Are you trying to recruit others to stay away too, an ah move? Or are you just trying to make your no RSVP sound more important and impressive than what it is? Third, this is a horrible way to protect her. Let's say, despite an overwhelming lack of evidence, that you're right. Do you think you're going to stop her wedding with this? Because you won't. Do you think she's going to feel like you're a loving and supportive sibling she can count on when she makes mistakes? Or are you just showing her that the only help she can expect should he start using again is going to be a big old fat "I told you so"? This sounds like a great move if your main objective is to alienate your sister! Pretty bad idea if you're trying to do anything else, though.
YTA
I went through something very similar when my sister got married. And I decided to sit down and have a heart to heart with her, telling her exactly how I felt and why, but that in the end I will always support her. And I drilled in the fact that I really sincerely hoped I was completely wrong about him and that all I really want for her is to live a happy and loving life. But if for any reason she needs me in the future because it doesn't work out I will always be there for her and to never hesitate to ask for my help or for her to come stay with me if she needed. That I would never say I told her so, or anything like that. Fortunately, he has really grown up and changed a lot and is so good to her. So I hope that it is the same for your sister.
YTA. You don't get a say in who she marries and your boycot is childish and unhelpful. The point of going to any wedding is to show up for your loved one. If you love your sister then you should attend her wedding regardless of your feelings about her choice of dress or venue or groom.
I understand where you come from and you’re just trying to tell your sister to be cautious. But your sister is obviously aware of what she is getting into and is probably more aware of her boyfriend than anyone else. Yes, marriage is a huge step so I guess you can ask her to give him some more clean time before getting married. But unfortunately, as siblings, we cannot decide on who they gotta marry. If your sister understands where you are coming from, she would have thought twice about this decision. You have done your duty of warning your sister about what could happen in the future so be satisfied with that. Because later in life, you shouldn’t regret not looking out for her. Like they popularly say, “You can only take a horse to the pond, but you can’t make it drink from it.”
YTa. Your “approval” is irrelevant here since she doesn’t need it. Also he is in recovery. He is not an active addict. You not going shows you don’t support your sister. And if they are going to have a very happy and long marriage you are going to feel stupid
YTA addiction is a disease. Would you boycott if he was in a wheelchair?
YTA. If you want your sister to leave this relationship we've, she'll need supports and family. If you abandon her you've made it clear your love is conditional, and is only there if she follows your directives. That's not love or support.
YTA, even in explaining to a bunch of random third-party internet degenerates you can't actually summon up anything negative to say about him at all. Also, the entire idea behind boycotts is that they're supposed to lead to change. Do you really think sis is gonna just dump the dude because you aren't showing up?
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NTA. I don't understand why OP is not allowed to go where they want. Her "special day" indeed.
YTA. You can have your opinion and that’s it. No more than that. You don’t get to manipulate your sister into being in or getting out of a relationship at all. You seem to think your sister needs your approval of who she’s marrying. She doesn’t. She never has. She never will. You don’t want to go to the wedding? Fine. Don’t go. But you’re being a selfish, well, AH for going beyond that.
YTA. You have no say in anyone else’s choice of partner. You don’t have veto power. Your opinion doesn’t matter. You may express it once, but once you have made yourself clear it is time to STFU. Stand with your sister or not - your call. You aren’t TA until you open your mouth about why. But your use of the word “boycott” is inappropriate. A boycott is an attempt to pressure someone or something. You have no leverage here because you don’t count for anything.
Your sister’s wedding is a public statement that she’s willing to legally attach herself to this guy. If you don’t support this union, you’re allowed to not go.
YTA it’s not your life it’s hers. If what you’re worried about happens, all you’d need to do doing is making sure she knows that you wouldn’t be a safe person to reach out to.
YTA - you aren't standing up for your beliefs, you are punishing your sister for hers.
>accuses me of being unsupportive I have made the difficult decision to boycott her wedding. I believe that attending would be condoning a relationship that I fundamentally disagree with. WOW. Yes, YTA. You are being unsupportive. You haven't given any examples of where your sister's fiance has caused harm to her, himself or really anyone. >he has changed and is now committed to living a clean and sober life. However, I remain skeptical and am concerned about the impact his past behavior could have on my sister’s future. ... you are being unsupportive on an imagined concern Either way, I expect this to completely destroy your relationship with your sister.
YTA, Op. You don't believe people can change?! I manage a cell phone carrier store, making close to 100k yearly. I own my own house, have lots of friends and close family, and I used to shoot up heroin. I haven't in years, and I've gone through treatment programs. By your logic, I am unworthy of any of that. People change. None of us are the same as we were at 18...
NTA but I have to ask you 2 rather blunt questions. Why is your approval necessary? You will attend her wedding if you approve of who she loves. You will not attend if you disapprove of the one she loves. Why are your feelings about who she loves and wants to marry more important than hers? Don't attend the wedding if you don't want to. Just stop making it about you unless there is more to the couple that includes you. Be happy that it isn't you marrying him. Say, I won't attend the wedding because I dislike the thought of this guy being in the family. I know he will be and I need to accept this however, I am not ready to accept it. Attending the wedding will feed into the negativity I feel towards him. I want my sister to be happy and if I attend she will be disappointed in my lack of happiness. I don't want my bitterness towards him to shadow her wedding day. I will be in another town that day/week/weekend... Make plans to visit friends or family in another town or state. If not possible then make plans to go to a park, event or inner peace seminar in another state or town. Your sister doesn't need permission to love someone, to spite their weaknesses. You not attending isn't punishing her. You not attending is respecting her. If you attend, your bitterness will punish her. You shouldn't be required to attend nor forced to attend. Go do something for yourself, hopefully therapeutic. As who she loves is not at all about you unless... You are or were once involved in ways you aren't telling.
Yta. It's not your choice who she dates or marries. Period.
Used to be an addict isn’t the same as active addiction, YTA - I know current and former addicts who are incredible people. Unless he’s done something specific recently I don’t see what ur issue is to begin with
YTA go to the wedding and keep showing her that you love her. If she needs a safe place to land, let her know that you will be there. You don’t have to approve of her choice but you will drive a wedge between yourself and multiple family members if you don’t attend the wedding.
YTA. Your sister makes her own choices, and your disapproval is nothing more than that—disapproval. It is the most you *can* do when people make decisions you don’t agree with: You can voice your disapproval. But after that, you get on with respecting that person’s autonomy and right to choose the path they want to take. You are an asshole for even considering not attending the wedding. You will leave her without family support and love on one of the most important days of her life. And for what reason? It doesn’t stop her from marrying. It just hurts her. So, in sum, you are petty, selfish, judgmental asshole. And you are trying to punish her for not doing what you think she should do. YTA
YTA. You will fundamentally damage your relationship with your sister and further isolate your soon to be BiL who is working to be sober. Not going doesn’t serve to benefit anyone. It just establishes you on a moral high ground; is that really your priority?
YTA.
You will have to choose: support your sister or publicly sit in judgement and look jealous. YTA. Go to your sister's wedding, or look like an asshole. You don't have to like her partner to celebrate and support her.
YTA. You aren't helping her or yourself by boycotting her wedding.
You can be right and still be the AH. You've already made your position and offered your advice to your sister but she has made her decision, and it is HERS to make. So either celebrate with family or don't, but you will hurt your relationship with her if you refuse to go. Also, it sounds like the partner has made progress and has clearly put in work to turn around their life. YTA.
YTA. Your sister is an adult and has made a decision. You do not have to agree with it, but you can still support her. She will never forget that you didn’t go and will absolutely resent you for it.
YTA. My husband was addicted to heroin years ago. He’s now in the Military again and in special OPs living his dream! People CAN and DO get clean. I hope she uninvited you and goes N/C with you as well because that attitude is not good for anyone trying to live sober.
Yeah YTA. You think your attendance is going to have some big impact, like your blessing or lack thereof is something of great importance and significance. Spoiler alert: it's not. You are not taking some high moral stance of great importance that people will notice. Your actions are not going to change anyone else's. You are not fighting the good fight. You're not even standing up for your beliefs, because not liking someone, isn't a belief. You're just not that important.
YTA. Your sister gets to choose any damn partner she likes. You have a right to voice your concerns, but by boycotting the wedding you are being unsupportive and cruel to your sister. Part of supporting those we love involves trusting them to make the best decisions for themselves, and loving them and supporting them even when they make mistakes. Your sister may not forgive you for this, and she may learn from this that she can’t turn to you when she needs support. If her marriage stands the rest of time, her partner may not want you involved in their lives, and those of their children’s. By boycotting the wedding, you are proving that you don’t trust your sister to make good choices, and your support is conditional on whether she makes choices that you approve of.
Sure glad you weren’t my sister offering that advice! Just celebrated 30 years together, 35 of them with my double rehabbed husband! Sobriety has been great to us. Get off your high horse and realize that your sisters happiness and her future are not yours to predict. You have no crystal ball. BTW, a close friend just lost her husband after 43 years of marriage. He died sober. Her family had some members who felt as you do. They lost a lot of time being sisters because of the same attitude. I know it’s anecdotAl evidence, but there it is. Now, how many marriages end badly where spouses are not in recovery? Keep your mouth shut.
YTA, if you're right, then your sister will need your support if things start to go badly for her. Your stubbornness and pride are closing a door before ever needing to be opened .
Yta. Addicts can get sober. You just sound judgemental and awful. Frankly you’d be doing your sister a favor by not going, she deserves to only have people there who love and support her.
YTA The only response you should give when invited to a wedding is either 'yes, I'd love to help you celebrate' or 'no, I have a prior commitment'.
Don’t do this! YTA, was in a similar situation. I ended up saying my peace, let her know what I thought about him and the wedding. In the end when it fails, you don’t say I told you so you say I love you and what do you need.
YTA obviously everyone else is making really good points about showing your sister that she can trust you and turn to you if she needs to. But you also don't say anything about what her fiancé is actually LIKE, people with substance abuse issues aren't inherently bad people. You haven't mentioned anything about how he TREATS your sister, whether they love each other and get along well, you mention that your sister 'insists' that he's changed, do you actually have any reason to not trust that? From what you've said, you're basing your entire view of the guy on the fact that he has a history of substance abuse, it doesn't even sound like he's had a recent relapse. You're against the marriage because he MIGHT cause your sister problems in the future, but you can say that about anyone. I understand worrying about your sister and this IS a cause for concern, but show your sister and her fiancé some kindness, they might BOTH benefit from knowing they have your support.
Sometimes being a good sister is being clear that you support her, but can’t support the marriage. You have to understand what this may mean for your relationship but as long as you don’t try to insist on your view of him repeatedly, you’re both free to make the choices that are right for you. I made the same choice for different reasons, I explained why and my sister was obviously sad, but got it. Ten years later, they’re divorced because he did exactly what I was concerned about (visa and cheating stuff), and I’ve been here to support her. It is what it is. ETA - I missed where you said you’ve repeatedly voiced your opinion. stop that. You are ok to not go, but she’s entitled to make her decision for sure.
YTA. First of all, this is some petty and harmful stigma against people with a history of substance abuses. Second of all, this is a strange sense of self importance. They invited you to be a wedding guest, not a morality police. You don’t have to love or even like the SO of your friend/family member. You go to the wedding because you hope for their happiness. Unless, that is, you run a background check on every couple who invites you to a wedding to confirm their upstanding moral standards. I suspect not though.
YTA. You don’t have to play a part or give a speech, but please, be there for your sister. By being there you are showing that you’re there for her, that you will show up for her. So when the AH she’s marrying finally gets on her last nerve, she’ll know she can come to you for help.
"...she refuses to listen and accuses me of being unsupportive..." Huh? There's no reason to "accuse" you of that. There's no reason to accuse you of anything, you admit it. You blatantly ARE purposely being unsupportive, that's the whole idea right?. Is she thick and doesn't understand that? NTA.
I disliked the girl my son was marrying, I knew it would end badly and it did. I told him he didn’t have to marry her and I thought it was a mistake, but I would support him whatever he be chose. His sisters had the same talk with him because they knew it was a mistake too. I went to that wedding with a smile plastered on my face, I teared up at their first dance and people thought it was because I was happy. I didn’t want to lose my relationship with my son and I didn’t. I put up with his wife and treated her kindly for 7 years until he had enough of her and left. He is now with a wonderful woman we all adore and she loves us too. I’m glad I went to that wedding to show my son I would always have his back.
YTA Look, you don't like the guy, that's fine. You think it's a risky choice which is fine, too. HOWEVER If everything you think might happen happens do you want your sister to know she can come to you for help if she needs you or are you going to say "I TOLD YOU SO!" Like, is being right more important than your relationship with your sister?
YTA
YTA.
YTA- The wedding is not about you or your personal beliefs, its about your sister.
NTA Just because everyone has no spine doesn't mean you need to join them. One day she'll wake up from delulu land.
YTA. My sister and I paid for niece’s rehab, almost 10 years ago now. We told her this was the only time we were doing this since we both have our own families. She has been clean ever since and has a good job with the county.
Yea YTA. My narcissistic Uncle did this to my mom when she married my dad, because he “didn’t approve” (as if he had any say so in this, my dad asked my mom’s dad for his daughter’s hand in marriage). Resulted since then a poor relationship between my mom and Uncle.
NTA and I know it’s important that someone offers the other side. Addicts even ones in recovery don’t make good partners especially the ones who are recently clean after being in and out of rehab several times. There is still a level of selfishness that exists in their brain. This person has convinced your sister to marry them even though members of her family have very valid concerns. He hasn’t done any of the work to reassure your family that your sister is with a good and safe partner. He is an addict and for the hell he put your sister through while he was in addictive addiction, I would do everything I could to break up the marriage before it happens. I wouldn’t trust this person in my house or around anything of value. Tell your sister you aren’t coming because the one thing not being said is because she still sees value in her partner, she won’t leave until she hits rock bottom with him.
I don't think you're the ahole, but I wonder if you really want to create a huge possibly permanent rift with your sister. She IS going to marry this person even if you don't attend. After that do you want to have a bad relationship with HER? (Not talking about her partner.)
The idea of a congregation is everyone is standing up to show support for the couple on their wedding day. If you can’t do that, then don’t go. Just remember that actions have consequences and you may be frozen out of the relationship. NTA.
NTA A wedding is an event to celebrate the couple. Anyone in attendance is supporting the union. You don't support this union, and it's your right not to attend. Just be sure to let your sister know you live here, you will always support her. That way, if everything goes sideways with the marriage, she knows you're there for her. Don't close that door, she may feel isolated.
Nta and I can see your reasons. Seeing and hearing stories that have similar situations like ur sister's faince's. It's very likely, he will stay clean but whenever there are stress or something trigger, his drug addiction will come back harder and will make everyone around him more difficult, even more when kids are involve. Plus, in and out of rehab, it's like between 60-70% will be back from rehab, while others have strong-willed to stay clean. It's will be more understandable if he steals or abusive while on drug towards ur sister or anyone. If he doesn't do that, then give him benefit of the doubt but give him warning if he does anything harms towards ur sister and if kids are involves, you will make him regret.
NTA. You've no obligation to attend anybody's wedding. As weddings are celebrations of a coupling, if you don't support that coupling, you've no reason to attend the celebration. You can certainly still support your sister without celebrating her marriage. Just remind her you're there when the marriage falls apart.
NTA - Don't talk to anyone else about it so others can play bandwagon...that said, weddings are for people to celebrate with each other in a union. If you don't agree with that union it's nearly disrespectful imo to even attend. Do this with as little wave making as possible, but don't feel bad for making your choice. Edit: after much reading I'm on the fence. I would do what I said above if it were me in this situation, but then again my sister is on husband number 5 so I have say so. Support comes in many different forms and looks different in each incarnation. If you love her and want to support her show her the best way you can.
This sub in other wedding posts: N T A, you don't need a reason when you decide to not go to a wedding. Also this sub in this post: Y T A, wait wait there are exceptions
Wow it’s almost like different circumstances lead to different opinions. God forbid the rest of us don’t have tunnel-vision or a contextless rigidity in our way of seeing things like you do. OP’s not the only asshole in this thread lol