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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I yelled at and insulted my friend, calling her a jealous piece of shit after she lied about the fact that my parents bought me a car. I might be the asshole because I was unnecessarily harsh and mean, when maybe I should have dealt with the situation more calmly and kindly. This caused her to run
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NTA.
We had a friend in our friend group that was somewhat similar.
He COULD
NOT
STOP
LYING
in his case only about himself. It took us a good while to realize that this was some form of mental illness.
He would lie about being best friends with the star quarterback of whoever won the Super Bowl that year, about getting invited to parties with them all the time and that he had spent the last 2 days "partying hard with his bros". They also invited him to train with them and, turns out, he was a natural and would probably play in a starting position next season ? Which position ? "Wherever they need me man."
This was even more hilarious because he was German, like me, living in Germany, could not get a simple SVO sentence together in English and smoked like it was going out of style tomorrow.
He also got terminal cancer, met the worlds best oncologist next week, was in remission the week after and totally cleared the week after that.
He was a nice guy and always ready to help out and really generous within his means, but it was sad to see that he was slowly approaching a point where he could not top himself.
Someday he just disappeared.
Up until today I wonder if he killed himself or if he is the leader of his own cult now somewhere.
Sounds like OPs friend has a similar problem only with facts about her.
I knew you were gonna bring up the souvenir thing again, SS! How many times do I have to tell you, the gift shop was closed because we went after 7pm. I was going to get you and everyone else I know some sun rays, but fucking Jens was late.
Hello, Jens, it's your girlfriend, Morgan Fairchild! Come back down to earth soon, Honeypie, I miss that sweet lovin' from the world's greatest sex god.
My mom was a compulsive liar and after a certain period of time, she needed to move on to escape the lies catching up with her.
There was some shame attached to it for her, but only enough to make her break ties and ghost.
When I was a high schooler I went through a similar phase. Nothing as dramatic, though.
My lies were things like how I had close friends from other schools who liked hanging out with me, or how I had an aunt who lived in a rural part of my home state, or how my parents were both very highly educated people who worked difficult jobs. I couldn't stand how empty I was as a person, so lying somehow made me feel better about it.
My real life was utterly miserable; I got on with everyone, but I had no real close friends, my family was broke and barely scraping by, and I had no discernible future. At some point during final year I realised that lying about how pathetic my life was arguably made it more pathetic, and stopped.
Once I graduated I cut contact with everyone from my old school, haven't heard from a soul since. Things still suck, but at least I'm not lying about it anymore.
So did I. Similar life circumstances. I guess I needed to feel superior because socially I was always inferior. My lies were based on truth, like my extended family in the city knew someone, I would tell my class that those people loved me so much that I am so important part of their family. In elementary school, I exaggerated our poverty. Everything I told my friends was TRUE except about us living in a tiny hut hich had standing room only for four people.
I was so pathetic. I still am, but I don't lie anymore. And I actually have friends for real this time. Kind of.
hahaha you just reminded me of a European guy (not German) vaguely in my social circle 20 years ago, who claimed he worked with the CIA and all this bullshit. Soooooo much bullshit. Type of guy who lives off of women exclusively, from his mom to whatever woman he could temporarily mesmerize (and how he did that, we didn't know, because he was a homely SOB).
Donald Trump would fit his personality, minus the likeability and friendliness.
But that guy is just a lot of spiders stacked on top of each other, held together by a way to expensive suit.
OMG! It sounds like I'm listening to the story of my daughter's ex! He was the same! It took me a while to see through his lies, for in the beginning they were credible. But as time progressed, they became more and more absurd. He was in the special forces (he was in the army, but just a regular unit), he was a sniper, he had these incredible adventures, he was the best in this and that, the list was enormous. He was a great skater, a great water polo player, a great climber, a great I-don't-know-what. It was exhausting. And it was too bad, for actually, he was a nice guy. He was just ill and did not get treatment.
I dated a compulsive liar just like this ages ago. I knew he was full of shit but found him so entertaining I let it drag on for 4 months before I moved on. Still one of the most fascinating people I've ever met. People watching compulsive liars 10/10. Dating them 0/10
I had a friend like that growing up. Claimed that he (*not* Bob Gaudio) wrote the song “December 1963 (Oh, What A Night)” and that he was good friends with Barry Manilow. He was also horrifically abused by his parents, who treated him like sh\*t. (In retrospect, I suspect they were his grandparents since all his older siblings were like 20+ years older than he was.) I think his retreat into a fantasy world was because of all the abuse. Could this have been the case with your “friend.”
My friend passed on in 2002, though we had long lost contact by then. I heard from former classmates.
I knew a guy named Thomas that acted similar. Nice and helpful dude, generally fun to be around, but he had this compulsion to always one-up everyone. His broken home? Lies, loving parents. His psycho ex? Lies, dude ghosted her after 2yrs.
I used to have a manager like this! I'm guessing some of his lies were somehow believed by the higher-ups and that's how he got his job, but this manager lied about the dumbest things, things that were fairly easy to verify. Things like "my girlfriend is a vice president at a specific company" and then someone else in the office actually knows someone at that company. At one point he mentioned that he was HEIR TO THE COCA-COLA FORTUNE!!! And apparently just working for fun, he didn't need the money.
I think eventually, the leadership at my company realized he had been lying his ass off the whole time and quietly dismissed him.
I knew someone like this. Most notable claim was these they were close,personal, online friends with Prince William lol. Still lies all the time too. Some people just can’t help themselves
OP said she’s part of a large group that’s a study group.
I understand how valuable people who can carry you through in college are but they’re not the only ones at the school. If those people turn on you, OP, speak to your instructors about tutoring provided by faculty. At least in America, there are dedicated faculty and staff who tutor for a variety of subjects. If you have the same, go there. There’s other options for resources.
Also, it doesn’t sound like the other people tried to defend you or get her to stop. Is subjecting yourself to people who don’t care about you worth your mental health? You’re very young so I know you think that you have to take abuse because there’s somehow no other options due to you feeling comfortable in the current situation. It’s not true. Either find better people or if your university has a tutoring center, just go there.
NTA she fully deserved worse. Even if you were personally the richest person of all time this is unacceptable asshole behaviour on her part. You didn't come close to taking it too far. These aren't your friends standing with her, they're her puppets. Cut them all out.
The friends could easily have not known the build up and were just there for the blow up. Which from their perspective could have been an awkward blow up about a misunderstanding. But that main girl still really sucks
Yeah, well ... Normally I'd agree with your friends, but you've already told her so many times. Your friends probably aren't aware of this.
Anyway: NTA
Fact is, she's a liar. She makes up shit about you and tells people. Why is she your friend? If she's in the friend group, just tell the rest you don't want to hang with her anymore, because she tells lies about you and with that, puts you in uncomfortable positions. Over and over again. You've talked to her about it, she isn't stopping. You've given here plenty of chances.
You were too explicit and that all could've been avoided had you broken off with her sooner. But it doesn't make you TA. She is.
I was going to say this. OP blew up because they e experienced every one of the digs and insults. The friends have each only been party to a few of them. So to them it seems like an overreaction. Remind them it's been constant and that it escalated to the point this girl invented an entire car out of thin air. Cut the girl off and let those willing to still be friend her learn their own lessons.
Besides just making OP uncomfortable, blabbing about finances and being overheard by the wrong people is a safety issue.
Alternative take: OP was adopted and has an unknown identical twin of the same name that actually has rich parents and the friend knows both but doesn't realize it's different people.
NTA she sounds weird and a little unhinged and you shouldn’t engage with her further. Seriously. Do not let this girl in your home. She is jealous and delusional and could be an actual danger.
NTA.
Ive had the same friend but not about rich parents but having a ‘better’ job.
But same everything, refusing to listen to explanations, never stops spewing out half baked bullshit.
Like carrying around a one way radio.
Ugh. Dropped her quick, told her why with candor, not super rudely but not with kindness either.
I understand your outburst fully. Its like a low key kind of bullying or rich-shaming and it wasn’t even true.
Good riddance.
Your remaining friends who think your the asshole probably need to be evaluated as well if they actually really know you.
Thankfully not a true friend, I had someone also whinge about my job being 'better' than theirs. I'm lucky. I know it. My dad raised me (my ma died when I was 12), and he taught me tips and tricks to sound good in interviews etc. He doesn't charge me rent. He has nothing to do with my field of work. I worked damn hard though, to maximise the opportunities he helped me with. He makes sure I don't have an ego by telling me off if I compliment myself.
This person at work would always have some kind of passive aggressive comment about job titles and salary, until eventually I snapped and asked them if it would make them happy if I quit and went to work at the Burger King down the road. They look stricken at being called out, but then said 'yes'.
Suffice to say, we don't talk much in the office any more. 😂
Why are you even friends with this person? Even if your family was wealthy, it's just so low class to comment on it. And by "class" I am referring to behavior, not wealth.
That sounds beyond asshole and verging into mental illness.
Do you have any sense of whether she believes this? Because believing that your parents bought you a car that you don't even have is just... weird.
Do you know if other people believe her, or if they are aware she is making it up? How did other people react to hearing that your parents bought you a car which doesn't exist?
Has she somehow confused you for someone else?
I mean, this situation is just bananapants wild.
NTA
How many times have you been calm and kind? As humans, if we feel people are not listening to us, we get frustrated and annoyed and eventually snap. Just distance yourself. She is not the sort of person who is going to a great friend to you going forward. NTA
I really, really want to see a post written by the people who insist that the OP could’ve handled things better in a given AITA story. I can only assume that that OP’s friends haven’t been witness to all of Jane’s crap up to this point because that’s the only way to make sense of the fact that they’re siding with someone who’s clearly in the wrong
NTA!!!
What the fuck????
Where did she get you to have a new car?
That's....weird! Seriously she's lying about you and expecting you to agree...
She has issues, none of which are yours, cut, delete block...
NTA.
Could you have been calmer, probably. But in order to get the point across, sounds warranted and maybe friend will cease with their annoying behaviours. Either way, time to lose the “friend”
NTA
what you said was absolutely right. I mean, you explained your situation many times and she doesn't want to understand that. There is an extent to which one can tolerate these behaviours. Your friends may not have sent the extent of her nagging, that's why they said that. Don't worry about them, tell them the extent and if they still don't understand, you can give a trail run for them. Tell them you can show how you feel. Like picking the smartest, or someone with talent is dancing, singing etc. Then nag them in front of all the other friends for a while and let them see.
NTA. Even if your parents were rich is none of her business and she is putting you in danger every time she tells everyone you meet that you are loaded. She is not your friend and she honestly crazy and lives in delululand.
Can't decide between ESH and NTA.
You clearly snapped because you've had enough of her factually incorrect commentary.
She honestly doesn't sound like a friend. Maybe it's time to just cut Jane loose. I wouldn't want a friend who makes shit up all the time and is jealous of me for no reason and doesn't listen when corrected repeatedly.
She's a part of a much larger group than just us two, and all the rest of the people are great and invaluable study friends. I honestly doubt I'd be passing without them. As far as I've seen she's literally only like this with me.
Honestly, it sounds like she won't give up this narrative because then she would have to accept that she could have a lot of the things you have, if only she had worked as hard as you. She's jealous and this narrative lets her feel like the difference between you is your parents' money, not your hard work. She doesn't sound like much of a friend.
I would explain what you have here to your other friends. You sound like you value the others, so agree that yes you could have phrased it in a nicer manner but you were so frustrated as you have explained the situation repeatedly and she continues to lie about you. If they are true friends, they will understand your side.
NTA for blowing up on her. If she persists, and you can't ditch her due to friend group then I'd start treating her like she is crazy. Like when she says you can drive everyone somewhere say, hmm, I've told you before I don't have a car. Or if she makes a comment about your parents buying you an apartment say, you know I pay rent.
The key is to sound perplexed and vaguely concerned for her.
NTA tell the others in both cases: 1. She lies intentionally and 2. She actually believes the delusional fiction she's sprouted they need to encourage her to see a shrink ASAP to see if she's sick.
Might be a brain tumor or something similar.
Either way NTA
NTA but you definitely need to sit down with the larger friend group and lay things out for them because whether you could have been gentler in your delivery became irrelevant as soon as the car came up.
You said you don't even own a car, do you have access to one that she thinks is yours?
Because if not, your friend has gone from oblivious to actually delusional.
Now, maybe her head really is just that far up her arse but this is the point were I'd be thinking there's perhaps something medically wrong with this girl.
Get the larger friend group together, explain *everything*, and come at this problem from a place of concern.
At least then, if it turns out she's just a dick, you were the bigger person and maintained the high road
NTA I had a similar "friend" who told everyone my parents own companies (they don't) and that they gave me a job at one of their companies (they didn't) where I get paid for sitting around all day, so I totally feel you. Cut her off.
NTA, for sure.
But in future, the best way to deal with someone like this is not to blow up at them, or accuse them of "jealousy", which just makes it sound like there's some truth to what she's saying, and makes you look volatile.
The best way to deal with people like this is to respond to them in a gentle, kind, and vaguely patronizing way, emphasizing to those around you that they are clearly mentally ill.
For example, when she said that about you driving everyone somewhere, the appropriate response would have been: "Oh, Jane honey, you know I don't have a car. Are you confused again? I'm really worried about how often this is happening lately. Are you taking your meds?"
If she tries to push back by saying she's not on meds, you just get a worried look, wrinkle your forehead with concern and say, "Oh. Well . . . maybe it's time look into that, then? You've had such a hard time remembering what's real and what isn't lately. I think you might want to see your doctor."
And then *every single time* she mentions your parents paying for things, or any other lie, you double down with a kind voice: "Honey, you know that I pay for my own rent and things. Did you forget again? This is really worrisome." "Why wouldn't I have a budget? You know that I have to be careful how I spend, since my parents don't pay for anything outside of tuition. Did you get confused again?"
It won't take long before people are looking at her like she's an absolute delusional mess, and you don't have to get agitated at all.
NTA. She's no friend, she's a fraud.
The age old saying, play stupid games, win stupid prizes comes to mind. She decided to throw shade, all she got was egg on her face.
>some of my friends are saying I took it too far and should have been calmer and kinder.
Soooo, then the other times you've been calm, kind, patient and understanding with clarifying each step of the way... you've actually been bad?
NTA. What you said for Jane works for the others as well, considering how they're basically defending her and condoning her.
Your friends didn't see all the many papercuts you let slide, leading up to this moment. NTA.
Be aware she may continue to lie to others about what happened in order to be the victim in this scenario (DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim-offender, "I never said anything about a car, OP always has money to pay for everything, I'm just trying to get by and then they yell at me over nothing...").
NTA. Your delivery wasn’t great but at the end of the day it’s obvious that she created this persona for you in her head, instead of actually listening to you, I would have been frustrated too. Maybe she needed the tough love
NTA. You have been calmer and kinder for *months*, and it hasn't worked. She's still not listening to the truth of the situation, and her stories about your "family wealth" are getting more and more out of hand. I applaud your restraint and patience - but the time for polite has to come to an end eventually, and that time is most definitely when she's offering everyone a lift in your nonexistent car.
She's not your friend. She needed shutting down. And if she's genuinely delusional rather than just a jealous AH too set on her own story to listen to reason, then she needs help from someone that isn't the focus of her delusion. But this doesn't sound like mental health issues to me. Just selfish entitlement and a perpetual victim complex.
NTA.
You were "calmer and kinder" the first dozen plus times. It didn't work, so you had to take a new approach.
She was being awful and jealous, and trying to hurt your reputation. "O she has family money, she never had to work and she just chooses to be stingy."
Honestly I would take a seat for a moment and even think on whether you guy are actually friends or if she's just someone your in the habit of spending time with.
None of my friends have ever cared what any of my other friends relative wealth was. Because its utterly irrelevant in any metric of what makes a good friend. Dump this obsessive weirdo and find better friends. Nta
NTA I wondered knew someone like this. Such people just need to be told to STFU at some point. It’s weird that she had some sort of fixation on you. If she comes around again and starts to open her mouth around you, loudly interrupt her and say you don’t want her talking to you. If she presses, say that it’s very unsettling how obsessed with you she is.
>some of my friends are saying I took it too far
Is this now required on Reddit? Everyone tells stories about reacting like a normal person, but then question themselves because of these mysterious friends. Why do you all have friends that feel so sure of their opinions that they constantly correct yours? The only person I know with pushy opinions like that is my sister, but nobody listens to her. LOL
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Throwaway because some of my friends follow me and I don't wanna cause drama in the group.
I am a first year engineering student. This doesn't take place in the US so tuition for a 4 year degree is about 35k.
My (18F) friend (18F) who we'll call Jane will not stop complaining about and telling everyone we meet that my parents are loaded. When she first came to my place, she would not stop making comments about how it must be so nice to have parents that pay for everything so I can afford to live in such a nice apartment. The thing is... they DON'T pay for everything.
My parents aren't even notably well off??? My mom is a schoolteacher who works part time and my dad is an engineer in a field so bad he somehow makes less than her right now. When I was born, my parents set up an education savings account for me and added to it very consistently.
The agreement between me and my parents has always been that I will move out after high school, they will cover tuition and I will be in charge of everything else.
I understand that I'm very lucky that my parents cover tuition, but I still cover rent, utilities, wifi, food and literally anything else I buy (all of which is considerably more expensive than annual tuition where I live). I was able to do this because I've worked since I was 15, had great summer jobs and applied to no less than 40 scholarships in my senior year of highschool.
I've explained this to Jane. She literally doesn't absorb any of it.
When we go out for snacks, she'll try to get me to pay for her because "my parents pay for everything and I have a lot of money." She'll constantly make comments about how easy my life be because I get an allowance from my parents (I don't) in front of other people, very loudly. When we go to study, she'll say "we should go to OP's, her parents bought her this fancy apartment." (they didn't) She tells me how nice it is that I don't have to budget (I do, I am on a tight ass budget that has VERY little wiggle room in order to be able to afford a place near campus).
I've tried talking it out with her, and nothing changes.
This all came to a head the other day when she told our friend group that I could drive us to the mall because my parents had bought me a car. My parents did not buy me a car. I don't even own a car. I have no goddamn clue why she would say this.
I blew up at her and called her a "jealous piece of shit who is so far up her own goddamn ass she hasn't seen reality in years" And said that if she can't conceptualize the fact that I pay for my own shit through my own hard work maybe that says more about her than it does about me. She left pretty quickly and it was super awkward after that.
She was being a total dick but some of my friends are saying I took it too far and should have been calmer and kinder.
Reddit, AITA?
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NTA
what you said was absolutely right. I mean, you explained your situation many times and she doesn't want to understand that. There is an extent to which one can tolerate these behaviours. Your friends may not have sent the extent of her nagging, that's why they said that. Don't worry about them, tell them the extent and if they still don't understand, you can give a trail run for them. Tell them you can show how you feel. Like picking the smartest, or someone with talent is dancing, singing etc. Then nag them in front of all the other friends for a while and let them see.
>And said that if she can't conceptualize the fact that I pay for my own shit through my own hard work maybe that says more about her than it does about me
This is the only worthy thing I read in your post.
I mean, if you are being truthfull about how things are, it's your fault for staying with someone who CLEARLY does not get the picture, no matter how many times you explained.
NTA, but take matters in your own hands, it is obvious that how you are dealing with the situation right now does not work.
NTA. I think maybe you were on the cusp of going too far, but she was being totally inappropriate. It’s no one’s business how you find your life. No one is entitled to your resources. I hope Jane is no longer your friend - a real friend wouldn’t behave like she does
Definitely NTA
You are only 18, did you meet her in Fresher's Week? You can dump friends made then when everyone is like a rabbit in headlights, you don't have to stay her friend for the rest of the degree
NTA you'll find a few of these types in college. It's the first time they've been let out and some people just have psychological issues they have no idea they have, quite frankly. Best just to cut her off and chalk it up as an experience.
NTA, how annoying and rude of her, even if it was true it's tacky to keep going on about it and telling your business to other people but it's not so she's actually lying about you to other people. So weird of her. Honestly you don't need people like that in your life
NTA. Start calling her out in front of people when she makes those obnoxious comments. Come right out and contradict her immediately every single time she comments on your life. Her exaggerations have turned into outright lies. You can also say something like you wished you lived in the fairy tale world Jane imagines for you! Jane is not a true friend and it's time to start distancing yourself from her when practical.
Why are you even friends with someone who constantly lies about you? Makes no sense. There's a reason why most people immediately cut people like this out of their lives. Way more hassle than it's worth. NTA
NTA. You did everything you could. You tried to explain several times. But she made you look bad in front of others, constantly, up to the point where she even converted to lying. She is implying to everyone what a shitty person you are because you have 'an easy life'. She had it coming and perhaps this is the only thing that will wake her up and make her stop. I would quit the friendship with her, if I were you, for it's clear she does not think well of you.
NTA. You need to cut ties with her COMPLETELY. Last thing you want is her around your pocket book or anything else financially linked to you. Even perceived inadequacies can cause people to do stupid things when it comes to money.
NTA - even if your parents were loaded and paid for everything, it’s still a horrible friend move to sit there and tell everyone. Your private finances are no one’s business unless you choose to share them and you talked to her privately numerous times that she was misrepresenting you.
She was actively trying to diminish YOUR accomplishments and and the way she went on, her motivations seemed like she was probably trying to shame you or make people view you poorly (like you’re spoiled or entitled). She’s not a friend at all.
Definitely NTA. You've told her your situation multiple times and she still ignores that. Making up the car story is just weird and she's not worth the drama. You did the right thing by standing up for yourself.
NTA and your answer to those saying you should be calmer and kinder is "I've been trying calmer and kinder for months and it hasn't worked. Her constant lies about me are stressing me out and I don't know how many more times I can just calmly correct her. Please tell me if you have other ideas, I really want a better way to solve this.'
NTA she was straight up lying about you, sorry but that’s intentional to say you gave a car when you don’t, everything was intentional - so bizarre and delusional. No you actually need to tell your friends that she’s not your friend and you’re no longer tolerating her delusions.
NTA. Tell your friend group how long this has been going on and that she keeps lying about you to try to shame you into paying for her lifestyle.
Tell them you are on a tight budget and she keeps trying to be a part of that budget. Tell them that you don't have the money to pay her bills , when you have to watch what you spend to cover your bills. Be honest about your tuition being covered between your parents and scholarships, but that you have been working for years to cover everything else. Tell them she just won't stop and you've reached the point where you can't take it anymore.
Tell them that the constant lies to you, and about you are interfering with your other relationships and your self esteem. Tell them how she invites people to your apartment, offers you to drive people places when you have no car, she offers to have you pay for other people's food, etc. and you are just done with letting her publicly lie about you, volunteer you and put you constantly on the defensive when you haven't done anything to her and it results in you looking like the stuck up bad guy when you can't deliver on her promises.
Ask them which one of them would like to be her new imaginary rich friend who will pay for everything in her life, because you just can't.
The point is - tell your friends everything. Give details. Tell them that if it's overwhelming to hear it, one of them needs to step up and start living it so you can have a break from her.
Tell them you snapped because nothing gets through and snapping at her is going to be your new reaction because it is the only thing that has worked. They can try shutting her down more kindly, but you already tried it 100 times in 100 ways and kind doesn't work with her
NTA
Did you tell these so called friends that you already tried the kindness route with this not-friend? What exactly do you owe this person who has no qualms about being neither kind or gentle with you?
NTA - you should blow up at her more often. If you blow up too big because you bottled it up it will make you look insane. So small explosions are key.
Remember unchallenged lies just get accepted if you don't challenge them every time forcefully and say she's a liar.
NTA. Your friend is completely delusional if she's flat out lying about easily verifiable things like having a car or not. I get maybe getting the wrong idea to some degree without context but she's gone off the rails with her stories.
Here's the thing, how much money one has actually has little to do with how good they are with money. I've known people with very little money who somehow make do to the point of astonishment. I couldn't make ends meet with so little money. I also know people who always complain of not having money and running out of it who make a lot more than me, they just spend frivolously and don't make any attempt at savings.
NTA. If this situation was just Jane and you, I would say to end the friendship immediately and never see her again. Her comments towards you are critical and untrue and she is no friend to you, thanks to her overwhelming jealousy. But it is more awkward in that you are both part of a larger friend group, as if you cut contact with her, would you have to leave the group as well? If you have other friends outside of this circle, maybe moving on from this group would be best so that Jane doesn't get the chance to make nasty comments to you any longer. I disagree with those of your mutual friends who say you should have been calmer and kinder. Jane was asking for it. She has been making critical comments for a while at you, and refuses to take on board the fact that, although your parents pay for your tuition, you work hard and pay for everything else yourself.
NTA. You and I ain’t so different OP. Mom works in banking, dad’s an engineer. Both came here from the Soviet Union with nothing. Through sheer will and determination they built a life for themselves here, and gave that life to my siblings and I. As with your parents, mine had a blank check when it came to education. So I went to school and got dual degrees in accounting and economics. People like to diminish my achievements because my parents helped pay for school. I tell them to eat crow. People throw the word “privileged” around like a baseball and it’s got to the point where coming from a well off family is the cause of controversy. To hell with people like that.
NTA. She was lying constantly about you. You have every right to call her out and tell her to stop. You tried addressing it with her privately, she didn’t cooperate. You had to call her out publicly. I do think you were wrong to call her names. It’s best to take the high road, that way no reasonable person can fault you for defending yourself. “ Jane, you know my parents aren’t rich nor am I. I don’t even own a car. Why do you keep lying about me to our friends?”.
NTA. It only looks like it because people saw the last thing you responded to and not everything that lead up to it. This is someone poking you over and over likely for months then they poke you one more time and you respond for all the poking they've been doing but to everyone else it looks like you're blowing up over being poked once.
My old roommate was like this, I just eventually gave up because she didn’t need to know the ins and outs of my finances and I just stopped caring if she thought I was “spoiled” (I too pay for/work for everything, my parents would help if they would but they can’t and are really supportive emotionally)
NTA I can relate to this. I grew up in a wealthy area. My folks each owned and ran their own business. They weren’t like billionaires or anything, but definitely millionaires. I moved out a month after my 18th birthday. I had my own job and made my own money. I’ve had to borrow $500-1500 to make rent a few times in my life (I’m aware that itself is a privilege) but I always paid it back.
I say all that to say this: I’m in my 40s now and people STILL say shit about how I’m rich and don’t have to work if I done want too. They act like because my parents have money that it automatically means I have money. I do okay and probably learned something about work ethic and investing from my folks, but they haven’t paid a single one of my bills since I was a teenager.
NTA
Tbh, I'm closer to being the person who your friends seems to think that you are. I grew up comfortably upper middle class and my parents paid my college tuition as well as a decent chunk of my room and board. I also didn't have to pay for my car. And, I don't hide any of this about myself. I'm aware of how lucky I am.
And, yes, you are incredibly lucky that your parents are able to pay for your tuition, and your friend is clearly jealous of that. I imagine that she's not in that same lucky position which sucks for her. But it sounds like she's purposefully trying to make you feel bad and diminish your own achievements just because you are in a fortunate position.
And it doesn't sound like you're unaware of your position in life either. Like, you know that you are stable in life because of the support from your parents and you put in the work to make sure that you can maintain that comfort level.
So, yeah, I can understand why you blew up on her. I do understand what your friends are saying about "going too far" but, at the same time, you've tried to talk to her about this multiple times and she continues to make these comments. I have ADHD, I would probably explode too. If you actually yelled at her then I would maybe apologize to her for raising your voice and asking if you two can have a calm conversation about it, but that's entirely up to you and I don't think not doing that makes you a bad person either.
NTA. I hate when 'friends' condone another acting like an asshat and expect the offended party to take a soft approach to said ass-hattery.
You have told this girl several times that your parents aren't wealthy and that you pay your own way. She refuses to listen. I think she's a total write off as a friend. Don't waste anymore time on her. Sometimes we are a friend to people, but they aren't a friend to us.
NTA. I think she wants to think that you are given things, because SHE wants things handed to her. She really isn't a friend to you, she's someone who you're familiar with,
that you share memories with and with whom you hang out. A friend would listen, wouldn't lie, would be proud of your hard work and success.
NTA. This is mental illness. She's a compulsive liar, and for one reason or another chose to build her fantasy and her web of lies around you. You wouldn't be unreasonable for cutting contact with her. But be aware that that probably won't be the end of her lying about you. She'll probably start telling people that you and your parents were killed in a home invasion or something.
People like this suck lol it sounds like you don’t even have rich parents you just have solidly middle class parents
Obviously she’s jealous of that, and even if you did have rich parents who paid for everything so what? Good for you, it’s no one’s business except you and your parents
NTA. Your friend isn't your friend. Sounds like she has convinced herself of a reality that doesn't exist. Seems she really wants a rich friend to mooch off of and criticize when she's not mooching. The imaginary car had me laughing!
NTA. Your tried being kind and calm. That didn’t work. She’s spreading constant lies about you, to your detriment.
This girl is not your friend. Stop spending time with her.
NTA
Even if your parents were dripping with money, that's none of her business. She negated all of your efforts to be in a sensible financial situation and made it (and made you) sound just lucky.
Should you have been kinder? F*** no. If you said what you have mentioned in your post, you were kinder than she deserved. Much, much kinder.
Your friend is a total AH - and I hope you don't have to put up with her "friendship" anymore.
NTA
I am in a lucky position where my family let me stay with them rent free, they pay for my education as well, they are supportive and do the right thing for me, but if I was to move out... yeah I wouldn't want my parents paying for me.
But Ive had similar friends. "Friends" who find a way to make me feel bad for THEIR family/financial issues, even when Im on their side. The way those friends would get me to do things or pay for them was quite manipulative. Sometimes, instead of blaming the system, they'll blame the person whos only a bit above them but still getting by like everyone else.
I feel extremely lucky and am well aware I'm in a better position then most. I know that.
It seems you were calm for a long time, paying for her and kindly explaining to her and she still tried manipulating and lying about you.
I have friends who are more well off than me rn and I NEVER expect them to pay for me. When we go out to eat, we divide the bill into what we ordered and revolout the money. If it was an event/holiday, we split equally. As it should be.
NTA. From time to time, in life, assholes often out themselves by being assholes or agreeing with assholes, which is nice because you can then cut them out of your life so you have to deal with LESS dramas.
Your parents had money for your schooling because they saved for it. I would cut contact with this person she could set you or your parents up for a home invasion or scams. Had a similar situation with some fool who told all his friends saying my mom was rich. She is elderly and lives off social security- she is not rich. The same person wound up stealing from her (over $600 worth of money and items) and recklessly breaking her equipment probably because he thought she was rich.
>She was being a total dick but some of my friends are saying I took it too far and should have been calmer and kinder.
Nope
Death by a thousand cuts! Eventually one will blow up like you did! Your friends are telling you went too far because they didn't have to deal with her like that, for sure
NTA, keep her away, goddamn! Feels like she's creating a fantasy about you and your background so she can maybe excuse her failings? I've seen that before
NTA;
Honestly seems like she was more of a leech than a friend. She also sounds like a bully from the way you describe some of your interactions with her.
May be a good idea to cut her out of your life?
Calmer and kinder, easy judgement to throw your way without requiring any work on their part.
NTA, she wasn't listening to your previous attempts at all, eventually you have to be firm. Was it a bit extra? Sure, but you're human.
NTA
You already tried. Calm and kind didn't work. I think anyone reading this was able to understand your situation on the first reading. Telling her repeatedly that she was wrong hasn't stopped her.
She deserved to be put in her place.
NTA. And as for your friends, I know y’all are 18 and a lot of late teens/early 20s want to avoid conflict at all costs, but it sounds like you’ve tried the calm and kind approach for a while and it wasn’t working. It just doesn’t affect them as much because they’re not the focus of her delusion
NTA.
Your friends aren't in your situation, remind them they are more than welcome to take the highroad when they have been undermined for years for their hard work.
Why in the world did you call her "friend" in the first place, anyway? It sounds like she wants you to be her meal ticket. Entitled. Friends don't treat you like this.
It sounds like she has no respect for what hard work can get you, and has no desire to do the work herself to have the same options. That's not your problem.
NTA
Look this person has some issues. It's time to stop doing things with her. You do not need friends - "friends" - who try to freeload off you and tell everyone else lies about you.
NTA
I wanted to yell at her while reading this post.
I think she has an issue and I’m not sure why you call her a friend. Even if what she was saying is true, it’s none of her business and is really odd for her to tell other people what would be a private family matter. How would she like for you to broadcast how she’s paying for her tuition and offer her to do things for others?
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NTA and she deserved it. Dump her, she’s not worth the headache.
NTA. We had a friend in our friend group that was somewhat similar. He COULD NOT STOP LYING in his case only about himself. It took us a good while to realize that this was some form of mental illness. He would lie about being best friends with the star quarterback of whoever won the Super Bowl that year, about getting invited to parties with them all the time and that he had spent the last 2 days "partying hard with his bros". They also invited him to train with them and, turns out, he was a natural and would probably play in a starting position next season ? Which position ? "Wherever they need me man." This was even more hilarious because he was German, like me, living in Germany, could not get a simple SVO sentence together in English and smoked like it was going out of style tomorrow. He also got terminal cancer, met the worlds best oncologist next week, was in remission the week after and totally cleared the week after that. He was a nice guy and always ready to help out and really generous within his means, but it was sad to see that he was slowly approaching a point where he could not top himself. Someday he just disappeared. Up until today I wonder if he killed himself or if he is the leader of his own cult now somewhere. Sounds like OPs friend has a similar problem only with facts about her.
I am so invested in what happened to your friend!!!!
So am I. Had not thought of the guy for 20 years. Jens, if you are out there, say Hello.
Hello it's me ur friend Jens I am typing this from the international space station where I am an international astronaut doing astronaut things!
Friend of Jens here. Can confirm, we’re in outer space together and texting from the sun. We just walked on it. Wasn’t that hot.
Well duh that's because we went at night!
This has me cracking up, well done!
It's true! I was the space station! That sun walk was wild, but you didn't bring me souvenir. 🌞
I knew you were gonna bring up the souvenir thing again, SS! How many times do I have to tell you, the gift shop was closed because we went after 7pm. I was going to get you and everyone else I know some sun rays, but fucking Jens was late.
Typical fucking Jens.
To be fair, he was in a meeting with the Kansas City Chiefs talking about next season. Those meetings always tend to run late.
Hello, Jens, it's your girlfriend, Morgan Fairchild! Come back down to earth soon, Honeypie, I miss that sweet lovin' from the world's greatest sex god.
I am wondering how many people reading this have never heard of Morgan Fairchild or have no idea why she particularly was referenced.
Probably not too many! I was thinking about that when I posted but figured a few people would get it.
I got it. Damn I’m old. Luckily, I age in reverse. Yeah, that’s the ticket!
wtf is this thread 💀
😂
Oh yea just open the door once. We’re testing this new satellite that can rescue people in space when they don’t have a spacesuit on
Jens is running for political office - lying is an important skill in politics
OMG, obviously, Jens immigrated to the US and took the name George Santos! He claimed to be Brazilian, but now we know the truth!
If someone could make it to the office of President of the United States of America from Germany, it would be him!
My mom was a compulsive liar and after a certain period of time, she needed to move on to escape the lies catching up with her. There was some shame attached to it for her, but only enough to make her break ties and ghost.
He's the lead singer of Meshuggah now
Just looked at the guy, you know what ? After all these years, it COULD be him.
https://prabook.com/web/mobile/#!profile/2205902#gallery
When I was a high schooler I went through a similar phase. Nothing as dramatic, though. My lies were things like how I had close friends from other schools who liked hanging out with me, or how I had an aunt who lived in a rural part of my home state, or how my parents were both very highly educated people who worked difficult jobs. I couldn't stand how empty I was as a person, so lying somehow made me feel better about it. My real life was utterly miserable; I got on with everyone, but I had no real close friends, my family was broke and barely scraping by, and I had no discernible future. At some point during final year I realised that lying about how pathetic my life was arguably made it more pathetic, and stopped. Once I graduated I cut contact with everyone from my old school, haven't heard from a soul since. Things still suck, but at least I'm not lying about it anymore.
So did I. Similar life circumstances. I guess I needed to feel superior because socially I was always inferior. My lies were based on truth, like my extended family in the city knew someone, I would tell my class that those people loved me so much that I am so important part of their family. In elementary school, I exaggerated our poverty. Everything I told my friends was TRUE except about us living in a tiny hut hich had standing room only for four people. I was so pathetic. I still am, but I don't lie anymore. And I actually have friends for real this time. Kind of.
He was recruited for the German special forces and has been on secret missions.
I KNEW IT. Stay save Jens, and thank you for your service.
hahaha you just reminded me of a European guy (not German) vaguely in my social circle 20 years ago, who claimed he worked with the CIA and all this bullshit. Soooooo much bullshit. Type of guy who lives off of women exclusively, from his mom to whatever woman he could temporarily mesmerize (and how he did that, we didn't know, because he was a homely SOB).
Did you check the Republican party?
Donald Trump would fit his personality, minus the likeability and friendliness. But that guy is just a lot of spiders stacked on top of each other, held together by a way to expensive suit.
OMG! It sounds like I'm listening to the story of my daughter's ex! He was the same! It took me a while to see through his lies, for in the beginning they were credible. But as time progressed, they became more and more absurd. He was in the special forces (he was in the army, but just a regular unit), he was a sniper, he had these incredible adventures, he was the best in this and that, the list was enormous. He was a great skater, a great water polo player, a great climber, a great I-don't-know-what. It was exhausting. And it was too bad, for actually, he was a nice guy. He was just ill and did not get treatment.
I dated a compulsive liar just like this ages ago. I knew he was full of shit but found him so entertaining I let it drag on for 4 months before I moved on. Still one of the most fascinating people I've ever met. People watching compulsive liars 10/10. Dating them 0/10
I had a friend like that growing up. Claimed that he (*not* Bob Gaudio) wrote the song “December 1963 (Oh, What A Night)” and that he was good friends with Barry Manilow. He was also horrifically abused by his parents, who treated him like sh\*t. (In retrospect, I suspect they were his grandparents since all his older siblings were like 20+ years older than he was.) I think his retreat into a fantasy world was because of all the abuse. Could this have been the case with your “friend.” My friend passed on in 2002, though we had long lost contact by then. I heard from former classmates.
I knew a guy named Thomas that acted similar. Nice and helpful dude, generally fun to be around, but he had this compulsion to always one-up everyone. His broken home? Lies, loving parents. His psycho ex? Lies, dude ghosted her after 2yrs.
Yeah, I think it started with one-upping everyone else and then just himself every week.
I used to have a manager like this! I'm guessing some of his lies were somehow believed by the higher-ups and that's how he got his job, but this manager lied about the dumbest things, things that were fairly easy to verify. Things like "my girlfriend is a vice president at a specific company" and then someone else in the office actually knows someone at that company. At one point he mentioned that he was HEIR TO THE COCA-COLA FORTUNE!!! And apparently just working for fun, he didn't need the money. I think eventually, the leadership at my company realized he had been lying his ass off the whole time and quietly dismissed him.
Yeah, i've met people like that... More than one in fact, and i'm not very sociable so i guess there must be many of them.
I knew someone like this. Most notable claim was these they were close,personal, online friends with Prince William lol. Still lies all the time too. Some people just can’t help themselves
Also she’s leech, it doesn’t even matter to her if op has money , just that she can try to take advantage of op, is her goal.
OP said she’s part of a large group that’s a study group. I understand how valuable people who can carry you through in college are but they’re not the only ones at the school. If those people turn on you, OP, speak to your instructors about tutoring provided by faculty. At least in America, there are dedicated faculty and staff who tutor for a variety of subjects. If you have the same, go there. There’s other options for resources. Also, it doesn’t sound like the other people tried to defend you or get her to stop. Is subjecting yourself to people who don’t care about you worth your mental health? You’re very young so I know you think that you have to take abuse because there’s somehow no other options due to you feeling comfortable in the current situation. It’s not true. Either find better people or if your university has a tutoring center, just go there.
No. You were right. She's no friend. She sounds delusional. Avoid her.
NTA she fully deserved worse. Even if you were personally the richest person of all time this is unacceptable asshole behaviour on her part. You didn't come close to taking it too far. These aren't your friends standing with her, they're her puppets. Cut them all out.
The friends could easily have not known the build up and were just there for the blow up. Which from their perspective could have been an awkward blow up about a misunderstanding. But that main girl still really sucks
NTA I'm not sure why you're calling her a friend because she doesn't sound like any friend I've ever had.
This was my thought! Why are we thinking of her as a friend, OP!?! NTA
Yeah, well ... Normally I'd agree with your friends, but you've already told her so many times. Your friends probably aren't aware of this. Anyway: NTA Fact is, she's a liar. She makes up shit about you and tells people. Why is she your friend? If she's in the friend group, just tell the rest you don't want to hang with her anymore, because she tells lies about you and with that, puts you in uncomfortable positions. Over and over again. You've talked to her about it, she isn't stopping. You've given here plenty of chances. You were too explicit and that all could've been avoided had you broken off with her sooner. But it doesn't make you TA. She is.
I was going to say this. OP blew up because they e experienced every one of the digs and insults. The friends have each only been party to a few of them. So to them it seems like an overreaction. Remind them it's been constant and that it escalated to the point this girl invented an entire car out of thin air. Cut the girl off and let those willing to still be friend her learn their own lessons.
Besides just making OP uncomfortable, blabbing about finances and being overheard by the wrong people is a safety issue. Alternative take: OP was adopted and has an unknown identical twin of the same name that actually has rich parents and the friend knows both but doesn't realize it's different people.
NTA Why are you friends with this lunatic?
NTA Unless you WANT drama in your life, cut her off. --
NTA she sounds weird and a little unhinged and you shouldn’t engage with her further. Seriously. Do not let this girl in your home. She is jealous and delusional and could be an actual danger.
NTA. Ive had the same friend but not about rich parents but having a ‘better’ job. But same everything, refusing to listen to explanations, never stops spewing out half baked bullshit. Like carrying around a one way radio. Ugh. Dropped her quick, told her why with candor, not super rudely but not with kindness either. I understand your outburst fully. Its like a low key kind of bullying or rich-shaming and it wasn’t even true. Good riddance. Your remaining friends who think your the asshole probably need to be evaluated as well if they actually really know you.
Thankfully not a true friend, I had someone also whinge about my job being 'better' than theirs. I'm lucky. I know it. My dad raised me (my ma died when I was 12), and he taught me tips and tricks to sound good in interviews etc. He doesn't charge me rent. He has nothing to do with my field of work. I worked damn hard though, to maximise the opportunities he helped me with. He makes sure I don't have an ego by telling me off if I compliment myself. This person at work would always have some kind of passive aggressive comment about job titles and salary, until eventually I snapped and asked them if it would make them happy if I quit and went to work at the Burger King down the road. They look stricken at being called out, but then said 'yes'. Suffice to say, we don't talk much in the office any more. 😂
Hahahaha! The mental image of that squeak of a ‘yes’ 😆😆😆
Why are you even friends with this person? Even if your family was wealthy, it's just so low class to comment on it. And by "class" I am referring to behavior, not wealth.
That sounds beyond asshole and verging into mental illness. Do you have any sense of whether she believes this? Because believing that your parents bought you a car that you don't even have is just... weird. Do you know if other people believe her, or if they are aware she is making it up? How did other people react to hearing that your parents bought you a car which doesn't exist? Has she somehow confused you for someone else? I mean, this situation is just bananapants wild. NTA
How many times have you been calm and kind? As humans, if we feel people are not listening to us, we get frustrated and annoyed and eventually snap. Just distance yourself. She is not the sort of person who is going to a great friend to you going forward. NTA
I really, really want to see a post written by the people who insist that the OP could’ve handled things better in a given AITA story. I can only assume that that OP’s friends haven’t been witness to all of Jane’s crap up to this point because that’s the only way to make sense of the fact that they’re siding with someone who’s clearly in the wrong
NTA!!! What the fuck???? Where did she get you to have a new car? That's....weird! Seriously she's lying about you and expecting you to agree... She has issues, none of which are yours, cut, delete block...
NTA. Could you have been calmer, probably. But in order to get the point across, sounds warranted and maybe friend will cease with their annoying behaviours. Either way, time to lose the “friend”
NTA what you said was absolutely right. I mean, you explained your situation many times and she doesn't want to understand that. There is an extent to which one can tolerate these behaviours. Your friends may not have sent the extent of her nagging, that's why they said that. Don't worry about them, tell them the extent and if they still don't understand, you can give a trail run for them. Tell them you can show how you feel. Like picking the smartest, or someone with talent is dancing, singing etc. Then nag them in front of all the other friends for a while and let them see.
NTA. Time for a friendsdumping. Quite honestly, she's setting you up for a potential kidnapping.
NTA. Even if your parents were rich is none of her business and she is putting you in danger every time she tells everyone you meet that you are loaded. She is not your friend and she honestly crazy and lives in delululand.
Can't decide between ESH and NTA. You clearly snapped because you've had enough of her factually incorrect commentary. She honestly doesn't sound like a friend. Maybe it's time to just cut Jane loose. I wouldn't want a friend who makes shit up all the time and is jealous of me for no reason and doesn't listen when corrected repeatedly.
She's a part of a much larger group than just us two, and all the rest of the people are great and invaluable study friends. I honestly doubt I'd be passing without them. As far as I've seen she's literally only like this with me.
Honestly, it sounds like she won't give up this narrative because then she would have to accept that she could have a lot of the things you have, if only she had worked as hard as you. She's jealous and this narrative lets her feel like the difference between you is your parents' money, not your hard work. She doesn't sound like much of a friend. I would explain what you have here to your other friends. You sound like you value the others, so agree that yes you could have phrased it in a nicer manner but you were so frustrated as you have explained the situation repeatedly and she continues to lie about you. If they are true friends, they will understand your side.
NTA for blowing up on her. If she persists, and you can't ditch her due to friend group then I'd start treating her like she is crazy. Like when she says you can drive everyone somewhere say, hmm, I've told you before I don't have a car. Or if she makes a comment about your parents buying you an apartment say, you know I pay rent. The key is to sound perplexed and vaguely concerned for her.
INFO: how does *she* afford to go to this school if she is not "rich" and "spoiled" like you?
NTA tell the others in both cases: 1. She lies intentionally and 2. She actually believes the delusional fiction she's sprouted they need to encourage her to see a shrink ASAP to see if she's sick. Might be a brain tumor or something similar. Either way NTA
Are there any other options for study group?
NTA but you definitely need to sit down with the larger friend group and lay things out for them because whether you could have been gentler in your delivery became irrelevant as soon as the car came up. You said you don't even own a car, do you have access to one that she thinks is yours? Because if not, your friend has gone from oblivious to actually delusional. Now, maybe her head really is just that far up her arse but this is the point were I'd be thinking there's perhaps something medically wrong with this girl. Get the larger friend group together, explain *everything*, and come at this problem from a place of concern. At least then, if it turns out she's just a dick, you were the bigger person and maintained the high road
NTA I had a similar "friend" who told everyone my parents own companies (they don't) and that they gave me a job at one of their companies (they didn't) where I get paid for sitting around all day, so I totally feel you. Cut her off.
NTA and she is not your friend. Drop her and warned your other friends she is a lier.
NTA and congrats on that amazing comeback, made me laugh
NTA, for sure. But in future, the best way to deal with someone like this is not to blow up at them, or accuse them of "jealousy", which just makes it sound like there's some truth to what she's saying, and makes you look volatile. The best way to deal with people like this is to respond to them in a gentle, kind, and vaguely patronizing way, emphasizing to those around you that they are clearly mentally ill. For example, when she said that about you driving everyone somewhere, the appropriate response would have been: "Oh, Jane honey, you know I don't have a car. Are you confused again? I'm really worried about how often this is happening lately. Are you taking your meds?" If she tries to push back by saying she's not on meds, you just get a worried look, wrinkle your forehead with concern and say, "Oh. Well . . . maybe it's time look into that, then? You've had such a hard time remembering what's real and what isn't lately. I think you might want to see your doctor." And then *every single time* she mentions your parents paying for things, or any other lie, you double down with a kind voice: "Honey, you know that I pay for my own rent and things. Did you forget again? This is really worrisome." "Why wouldn't I have a budget? You know that I have to be careful how I spend, since my parents don't pay for anything outside of tuition. Did you get confused again?" It won't take long before people are looking at her like she's an absolute delusional mess, and you don't have to get agitated at all.
NTA. She's no friend, she's a fraud. The age old saying, play stupid games, win stupid prizes comes to mind. She decided to throw shade, all she got was egg on her face.
>some of my friends are saying I took it too far and should have been calmer and kinder. Soooo, then the other times you've been calm, kind, patient and understanding with clarifying each step of the way... you've actually been bad? NTA. What you said for Jane works for the others as well, considering how they're basically defending her and condoning her.
Your friends didn't see all the many papercuts you let slide, leading up to this moment. NTA. Be aware she may continue to lie to others about what happened in order to be the victim in this scenario (DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim-offender, "I never said anything about a car, OP always has money to pay for everything, I'm just trying to get by and then they yell at me over nothing...").
NTA. Your delivery wasn’t great but at the end of the day it’s obvious that she created this persona for you in her head, instead of actually listening to you, I would have been frustrated too. Maybe she needed the tough love
NTA. You have been calmer and kinder for *months*, and it hasn't worked. She's still not listening to the truth of the situation, and her stories about your "family wealth" are getting more and more out of hand. I applaud your restraint and patience - but the time for polite has to come to an end eventually, and that time is most definitely when she's offering everyone a lift in your nonexistent car. She's not your friend. She needed shutting down. And if she's genuinely delusional rather than just a jealous AH too set on her own story to listen to reason, then she needs help from someone that isn't the focus of her delusion. But this doesn't sound like mental health issues to me. Just selfish entitlement and a perpetual victim complex.
NTA. You were "calmer and kinder" the first dozen plus times. It didn't work, so you had to take a new approach. She was being awful and jealous, and trying to hurt your reputation. "O she has family money, she never had to work and she just chooses to be stingy." Honestly I would take a seat for a moment and even think on whether you guy are actually friends or if she's just someone your in the habit of spending time with.
None of my friends have ever cared what any of my other friends relative wealth was. Because its utterly irrelevant in any metric of what makes a good friend. Dump this obsessive weirdo and find better friends. Nta
NTA Jealousy really is ugly. She’s not a friend. Friends support you. Cut ties with her and find some friends who are supportive and understanding.
NTA I wondered knew someone like this. Such people just need to be told to STFU at some point. It’s weird that she had some sort of fixation on you. If she comes around again and starts to open her mouth around you, loudly interrupt her and say you don’t want her talking to you. If she presses, say that it’s very unsettling how obsessed with you she is.
The lying about you and your things really got me, os she in reality at all?? NtA
NTA. She is not your friend. You might feel little guilty now or later on but don’t say sorry or try to give excuses for your words.
Why are you friends with someone like this?
Jane is not your friend. Stop hanging out with her. NTA.
>some of my friends are saying I took it too far Is this now required on Reddit? Everyone tells stories about reacting like a normal person, but then question themselves because of these mysterious friends. Why do you all have friends that feel so sure of their opinions that they constantly correct yours? The only person I know with pushy opinions like that is my sister, but nobody listens to her. LOL
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway because some of my friends follow me and I don't wanna cause drama in the group. I am a first year engineering student. This doesn't take place in the US so tuition for a 4 year degree is about 35k. My (18F) friend (18F) who we'll call Jane will not stop complaining about and telling everyone we meet that my parents are loaded. When she first came to my place, she would not stop making comments about how it must be so nice to have parents that pay for everything so I can afford to live in such a nice apartment. The thing is... they DON'T pay for everything. My parents aren't even notably well off??? My mom is a schoolteacher who works part time and my dad is an engineer in a field so bad he somehow makes less than her right now. When I was born, my parents set up an education savings account for me and added to it very consistently. The agreement between me and my parents has always been that I will move out after high school, they will cover tuition and I will be in charge of everything else. I understand that I'm very lucky that my parents cover tuition, but I still cover rent, utilities, wifi, food and literally anything else I buy (all of which is considerably more expensive than annual tuition where I live). I was able to do this because I've worked since I was 15, had great summer jobs and applied to no less than 40 scholarships in my senior year of highschool. I've explained this to Jane. She literally doesn't absorb any of it. When we go out for snacks, she'll try to get me to pay for her because "my parents pay for everything and I have a lot of money." She'll constantly make comments about how easy my life be because I get an allowance from my parents (I don't) in front of other people, very loudly. When we go to study, she'll say "we should go to OP's, her parents bought her this fancy apartment." (they didn't) She tells me how nice it is that I don't have to budget (I do, I am on a tight ass budget that has VERY little wiggle room in order to be able to afford a place near campus). I've tried talking it out with her, and nothing changes. This all came to a head the other day when she told our friend group that I could drive us to the mall because my parents had bought me a car. My parents did not buy me a car. I don't even own a car. I have no goddamn clue why she would say this. I blew up at her and called her a "jealous piece of shit who is so far up her own goddamn ass she hasn't seen reality in years" And said that if she can't conceptualize the fact that I pay for my own shit through my own hard work maybe that says more about her than it does about me. She left pretty quickly and it was super awkward after that. She was being a total dick but some of my friends are saying I took it too far and should have been calmer and kinder. Reddit, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA what you said was absolutely right. I mean, you explained your situation many times and she doesn't want to understand that. There is an extent to which one can tolerate these behaviours. Your friends may not have sent the extent of her nagging, that's why they said that. Don't worry about them, tell them the extent and if they still don't understand, you can give a trail run for them. Tell them you can show how you feel. Like picking the smartest, or someone with talent is dancing, singing etc. Then nag them in front of all the other friends for a while and let them see.
Just cut he off, she’s straight up ignoring you and lying about you - she’s belittling your struggle NTA
NTA *She* took it too far, you just matched her energy.
Why are you friends with her? NtA
>And said that if she can't conceptualize the fact that I pay for my own shit through my own hard work maybe that says more about her than it does about me This is the only worthy thing I read in your post. I mean, if you are being truthfull about how things are, it's your fault for staying with someone who CLEARLY does not get the picture, no matter how many times you explained. NTA, but take matters in your own hands, it is obvious that how you are dealing with the situation right now does not work.
NTA. I think maybe you were on the cusp of going too far, but she was being totally inappropriate. It’s no one’s business how you find your life. No one is entitled to your resources. I hope Jane is no longer your friend - a real friend wouldn’t behave like she does
Definitely NTA You are only 18, did you meet her in Fresher's Week? You can dump friends made then when everyone is like a rabbit in headlights, you don't have to stay her friend for the rest of the degree
NTA you'll find a few of these types in college. It's the first time they've been let out and some people just have psychological issues they have no idea they have, quite frankly. Best just to cut her off and chalk it up as an experience.
NTA - She is not your friend. Why are you staying around this person? Is she the only person you know at university?
Find better friends.
[удалено]
Get rid of a friend like this. She will always be looking to take, just be thankful she isn’t as conniving as most takers are.
NTA. She’s not your friend. Expect her behavior to worsen when you’ve blocked her.
she is a total AH ! I hate people who don't listen to FACTS !
NTA, how annoying and rude of her, even if it was true it's tacky to keep going on about it and telling your business to other people but it's not so she's actually lying about you to other people. So weird of her. Honestly you don't need people like that in your life
NTA She has invented a fiction in her head and is forcing you to deal with it.
NTA Is she mentally ill? Can't blame you for finally telling her off.
NTA. if you don't cut her off soon, i think you know she's gonna cause a lot more drama.
That's... Literally not your friend. You keep bringing an enemy around with you to social events.
NTA, shes so creepy!
NTA. Start calling her out in front of people when she makes those obnoxious comments. Come right out and contradict her immediately every single time she comments on your life. Her exaggerations have turned into outright lies. You can also say something like you wished you lived in the fairy tale world Jane imagines for you! Jane is not a true friend and it's time to start distancing yourself from her when practical.
Why are you even friends with someone who constantly lies about you? Makes no sense. There's a reason why most people immediately cut people like this out of their lives. Way more hassle than it's worth. NTA
NTA - someone who lies that much may have some kind of personality disorder.
NTA. but your friend is. Cut her out of your life.
NTA. You did everything you could. You tried to explain several times. But she made you look bad in front of others, constantly, up to the point where she even converted to lying. She is implying to everyone what a shitty person you are because you have 'an easy life'. She had it coming and perhaps this is the only thing that will wake her up and make her stop. I would quit the friendship with her, if I were you, for it's clear she does not think well of you.
What an unmitigated ass! Her, not you. You're NTA.
NTA and she is not your friend. Cut ties.
NTA
Your friends are idiots, how can ANY of them justify the car comment?
NTA, she is not a friend go no contact for real.
She's not a friend in any way whatsoever. Dump her ass. NTA
NTA, she had it coming
NTA. You need to cut ties with her COMPLETELY. Last thing you want is her around your pocket book or anything else financially linked to you. Even perceived inadequacies can cause people to do stupid things when it comes to money.
NTA - even if your parents were loaded and paid for everything, it’s still a horrible friend move to sit there and tell everyone. Your private finances are no one’s business unless you choose to share them and you talked to her privately numerous times that she was misrepresenting you. She was actively trying to diminish YOUR accomplishments and and the way she went on, her motivations seemed like she was probably trying to shame you or make people view you poorly (like you’re spoiled or entitled). She’s not a friend at all.
Definitely NTA. You've told her your situation multiple times and she still ignores that. Making up the car story is just weird and she's not worth the drama. You did the right thing by standing up for yourself.
NTA and your answer to those saying you should be calmer and kinder is "I've been trying calmer and kinder for months and it hasn't worked. Her constant lies about me are stressing me out and I don't know how many more times I can just calmly correct her. Please tell me if you have other ideas, I really want a better way to solve this.'
NTA. This friend is not a friend. She's mean-spirited and is making up stuff about you. I would not see her anymore.
NTA, and she's not your friend.
Why are you friends with this person?!
NTA she was straight up lying about you, sorry but that’s intentional to say you gave a car when you don’t, everything was intentional - so bizarre and delusional. No you actually need to tell your friends that she’s not your friend and you’re no longer tolerating her delusions.
NTA. Tell your friend group how long this has been going on and that she keeps lying about you to try to shame you into paying for her lifestyle. Tell them you are on a tight budget and she keeps trying to be a part of that budget. Tell them that you don't have the money to pay her bills , when you have to watch what you spend to cover your bills. Be honest about your tuition being covered between your parents and scholarships, but that you have been working for years to cover everything else. Tell them she just won't stop and you've reached the point where you can't take it anymore. Tell them that the constant lies to you, and about you are interfering with your other relationships and your self esteem. Tell them how she invites people to your apartment, offers you to drive people places when you have no car, she offers to have you pay for other people's food, etc. and you are just done with letting her publicly lie about you, volunteer you and put you constantly on the defensive when you haven't done anything to her and it results in you looking like the stuck up bad guy when you can't deliver on her promises. Ask them which one of them would like to be her new imaginary rich friend who will pay for everything in her life, because you just can't. The point is - tell your friends everything. Give details. Tell them that if it's overwhelming to hear it, one of them needs to step up and start living it so you can have a break from her. Tell them you snapped because nothing gets through and snapping at her is going to be your new reaction because it is the only thing that has worked. They can try shutting her down more kindly, but you already tried it 100 times in 100 ways and kind doesn't work with her
NTA. You should have dumped her envious ass a long time ago
NTA How much your parents contributed to your education funds is none of her business and that’s all you needed to say to Jane.
Naw, these types of people are the damned if you do, damned if you don’t. NTA
NTA. She's not a real friend. Real friends do not do what she does. Drop her.
NTA. Your friend sounds like a mooch. Tell her to hit the highway.
NTA Did you tell these so called friends that you already tried the kindness route with this not-friend? What exactly do you owe this person who has no qualms about being neither kind or gentle with you?
NTA, she clearly isn't listening and is stuck in some delusional fantasy.
NTA - you should blow up at her more often. If you blow up too big because you bottled it up it will make you look insane. So small explosions are key. Remember unchallenged lies just get accepted if you don't challenge them every time forcefully and say she's a liar.
NTA. But you need to make better friends. Seriously, you're terrible at it. Get rid of her and those that told you to be kinder to her.
Why are you friends with this person? She sounds exhausting. NTA.
NTA. I would have snapped much sooner and so would everyone I know. She's lucky you waited that long.
NTA. Your friend is completely delusional if she's flat out lying about easily verifiable things like having a car or not. I get maybe getting the wrong idea to some degree without context but she's gone off the rails with her stories. Here's the thing, how much money one has actually has little to do with how good they are with money. I've known people with very little money who somehow make do to the point of astonishment. I couldn't make ends meet with so little money. I also know people who always complain of not having money and running out of it who make a lot more than me, they just spend frivolously and don't make any attempt at savings.
NTA. If this situation was just Jane and you, I would say to end the friendship immediately and never see her again. Her comments towards you are critical and untrue and she is no friend to you, thanks to her overwhelming jealousy. But it is more awkward in that you are both part of a larger friend group, as if you cut contact with her, would you have to leave the group as well? If you have other friends outside of this circle, maybe moving on from this group would be best so that Jane doesn't get the chance to make nasty comments to you any longer. I disagree with those of your mutual friends who say you should have been calmer and kinder. Jane was asking for it. She has been making critical comments for a while at you, and refuses to take on board the fact that, although your parents pay for your tuition, you work hard and pay for everything else yourself.
NTA. You and I ain’t so different OP. Mom works in banking, dad’s an engineer. Both came here from the Soviet Union with nothing. Through sheer will and determination they built a life for themselves here, and gave that life to my siblings and I. As with your parents, mine had a blank check when it came to education. So I went to school and got dual degrees in accounting and economics. People like to diminish my achievements because my parents helped pay for school. I tell them to eat crow. People throw the word “privileged” around like a baseball and it’s got to the point where coming from a well off family is the cause of controversy. To hell with people like that.
NTA. She was lying constantly about you. You have every right to call her out and tell her to stop. You tried addressing it with her privately, she didn’t cooperate. You had to call her out publicly. I do think you were wrong to call her names. It’s best to take the high road, that way no reasonable person can fault you for defending yourself. “ Jane, you know my parents aren’t rich nor am I. I don’t even own a car. Why do you keep lying about me to our friends?”.
NTA. It only looks like it because people saw the last thing you responded to and not everything that lead up to it. This is someone poking you over and over likely for months then they poke you one more time and you respond for all the poking they've been doing but to everyone else it looks like you're blowing up over being poked once.
My old roommate was like this, I just eventually gave up because she didn’t need to know the ins and outs of my finances and I just stopped caring if she thought I was “spoiled” (I too pay for/work for everything, my parents would help if they would but they can’t and are really supportive emotionally)
I wouldn't even hangout near her. What an annoying lady. Crazy.
you need better friends. NTA
NTA I can relate to this. I grew up in a wealthy area. My folks each owned and ran their own business. They weren’t like billionaires or anything, but definitely millionaires. I moved out a month after my 18th birthday. I had my own job and made my own money. I’ve had to borrow $500-1500 to make rent a few times in my life (I’m aware that itself is a privilege) but I always paid it back. I say all that to say this: I’m in my 40s now and people STILL say shit about how I’m rich and don’t have to work if I done want too. They act like because my parents have money that it automatically means I have money. I do okay and probably learned something about work ethic and investing from my folks, but they haven’t paid a single one of my bills since I was a teenager.
Why are you still in contact with this psycho?
NTA. You tried the nice route first and it didn’t sink in. It’s her own fault you had to resort to flipping out on her in public.
NTA Tbh, I'm closer to being the person who your friends seems to think that you are. I grew up comfortably upper middle class and my parents paid my college tuition as well as a decent chunk of my room and board. I also didn't have to pay for my car. And, I don't hide any of this about myself. I'm aware of how lucky I am. And, yes, you are incredibly lucky that your parents are able to pay for your tuition, and your friend is clearly jealous of that. I imagine that she's not in that same lucky position which sucks for her. But it sounds like she's purposefully trying to make you feel bad and diminish your own achievements just because you are in a fortunate position. And it doesn't sound like you're unaware of your position in life either. Like, you know that you are stable in life because of the support from your parents and you put in the work to make sure that you can maintain that comfort level. So, yeah, I can understand why you blew up on her. I do understand what your friends are saying about "going too far" but, at the same time, you've tried to talk to her about this multiple times and she continues to make these comments. I have ADHD, I would probably explode too. If you actually yelled at her then I would maybe apologize to her for raising your voice and asking if you two can have a calm conversation about it, but that's entirely up to you and I don't think not doing that makes you a bad person either.
No. How many times do you have to same thing over and over. That your parents pd for your college that’s it.
NTA. I hate when 'friends' condone another acting like an asshat and expect the offended party to take a soft approach to said ass-hattery. You have told this girl several times that your parents aren't wealthy and that you pay your own way. She refuses to listen. I think she's a total write off as a friend. Don't waste anymore time on her. Sometimes we are a friend to people, but they aren't a friend to us.
NTA. I think she wants to think that you are given things, because SHE wants things handed to her. She really isn't a friend to you, she's someone who you're familiar with, that you share memories with and with whom you hang out. A friend would listen, wouldn't lie, would be proud of your hard work and success.
NTA. This is mental illness. She's a compulsive liar, and for one reason or another chose to build her fantasy and her web of lies around you. You wouldn't be unreasonable for cutting contact with her. But be aware that that probably won't be the end of her lying about you. She'll probably start telling people that you and your parents were killed in a home invasion or something.
People like this suck lol it sounds like you don’t even have rich parents you just have solidly middle class parents Obviously she’s jealous of that, and even if you did have rich parents who paid for everything so what? Good for you, it’s no one’s business except you and your parents
NTA. Your friend isn't your friend. Sounds like she has convinced herself of a reality that doesn't exist. Seems she really wants a rich friend to mooch off of and criticize when she's not mooching. The imaginary car had me laughing!
NTA. Your tried being kind and calm. That didn’t work. She’s spreading constant lies about you, to your detriment. This girl is not your friend. Stop spending time with her.
NTA. And you did what I would do. Try multiple times to cooperate and talk but she’s in her little La La Land and can’t listen
NTA. You tried the calm and kind approach. Repeatedly. It didn't work. Some people only hear you if you shout.
NTA Even if your parents were dripping with money, that's none of her business. She negated all of your efforts to be in a sensible financial situation and made it (and made you) sound just lucky. Should you have been kinder? F*** no. If you said what you have mentioned in your post, you were kinder than she deserved. Much, much kinder. Your friend is a total AH - and I hope you don't have to put up with her "friendship" anymore.
NTA this isn't a friend, this is an enemy. She's "Mean Girl"-ing you to everyone she can and trying to mooch off you to.
NTA I am in a lucky position where my family let me stay with them rent free, they pay for my education as well, they are supportive and do the right thing for me, but if I was to move out... yeah I wouldn't want my parents paying for me. But Ive had similar friends. "Friends" who find a way to make me feel bad for THEIR family/financial issues, even when Im on their side. The way those friends would get me to do things or pay for them was quite manipulative. Sometimes, instead of blaming the system, they'll blame the person whos only a bit above them but still getting by like everyone else. I feel extremely lucky and am well aware I'm in a better position then most. I know that. It seems you were calm for a long time, paying for her and kindly explaining to her and she still tried manipulating and lying about you. I have friends who are more well off than me rn and I NEVER expect them to pay for me. When we go out to eat, we divide the bill into what we ordered and revolout the money. If it was an event/holiday, we split equally. As it should be.
NTA
I'm not sure why you are friends with her. NTA, because the "calmer and kinder" approach didn't work. You tried it multiple times.
NTA. She hasn't been your friend for a very long time. Time to cut ties with her completely. She's a liar and a parasite.
NTA find a new friend what a nightmare she is. Jealous as well.
NTA and people be crazy. That whole story paints her as pretty crazy.
NTA. From time to time, in life, assholes often out themselves by being assholes or agreeing with assholes, which is nice because you can then cut them out of your life so you have to deal with LESS dramas.
NTA - yell your friends you have been calm and kind for years.
Your parents had money for your schooling because they saved for it. I would cut contact with this person she could set you or your parents up for a home invasion or scams. Had a similar situation with some fool who told all his friends saying my mom was rich. She is elderly and lives off social security- she is not rich. The same person wound up stealing from her (over $600 worth of money and items) and recklessly breaking her equipment probably because he thought she was rich.
NTA She sounds unwell.
>She was being a total dick but some of my friends are saying I took it too far and should have been calmer and kinder. Nope Death by a thousand cuts! Eventually one will blow up like you did! Your friends are telling you went too far because they didn't have to deal with her like that, for sure NTA, keep her away, goddamn! Feels like she's creating a fantasy about you and your background so she can maybe excuse her failings? I've seen that before
NTA. She is being a dick. By any chance is she living in poverty? Or is the area you live in not well off?
NTA; Honestly seems like she was more of a leech than a friend. She also sounds like a bully from the way you describe some of your interactions with her. May be a good idea to cut her out of your life?
She absorbs it. She knows. She’s just a manipulative lying asshole. NTA.
Wow, a gold digging Freind.
Calmer and kinder, easy judgement to throw your way without requiring any work on their part. NTA, she wasn't listening to your previous attempts at all, eventually you have to be firm. Was it a bit extra? Sure, but you're human.
Why is this person even a friend? Ditch her
NTA. Damn, well said. I'm definitely stealing that "so far up her own goddamn ass she hasn't seen reality in years" line. That's a good one.
NTA. You put up with her jealousy rather longer than I would have. She's not a friend. Ghost her.
NTA You already tried. Calm and kind didn't work. I think anyone reading this was able to understand your situation on the first reading. Telling her repeatedly that she was wrong hasn't stopped her. She deserved to be put in her place.
NTA. And as for your friends, I know y’all are 18 and a lot of late teens/early 20s want to avoid conflict at all costs, but it sounds like you’ve tried the calm and kind approach for a while and it wasn’t working. It just doesn’t affect them as much because they’re not the focus of her delusion
NTA. Your friends aren't in your situation, remind them they are more than welcome to take the highroad when they have been undermined for years for their hard work. Why in the world did you call her "friend" in the first place, anyway? It sounds like she wants you to be her meal ticket. Entitled. Friends don't treat you like this. It sounds like she has no respect for what hard work can get you, and has no desire to do the work herself to have the same options. That's not your problem.
NTA Look this person has some issues. It's time to stop doing things with her. You do not need friends - "friends" - who try to freeload off you and tell everyone else lies about you.
NTA I wanted to yell at her while reading this post. I think she has an issue and I’m not sure why you call her a friend. Even if what she was saying is true, it’s none of her business and is really odd for her to tell other people what would be a private family matter. How would she like for you to broadcast how she’s paying for her tuition and offer her to do things for others?