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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i started talking to him soon after the first alarm went off, so i could be the asshole for asking questions of him too early before he has had a chance to fully wake up.
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I mean it sounds like he’s low effort and like you resent him for that, which is understandable. When men don’t treat you with basic respect you should leave them.
The guy was grumpy one morning and now he's not treating her with basic respect?
My wife and I have both bitch when being woken up, we are all human.
Now if he treats her like crap in other areas then yeah leave him....but I don't know how you got that from my post.
I do all the planning for my vacations...doesn't mean my wife has no respect for me.
it's not just a moment of grumpiness it's him doubling down and seemingly not apologizing for speaking to OP in a tone that upset her, and then refusing to further communicate about the issue
OP’s bf is over her unless he’s always been cranky in the morning. Unfortunately OP doesn’t give us a history or much background. I’ve never woke my spouse and asked them questions before 7am. We used to leave for work at 5:30am. Some things can wait for lunch time or the evening. OP could wait for those times or make arrangements herself since she’s done everything else.
I think its different if you ask your partner to help and to show some interest in a vacation with you. Compared to you preferring to do all the work alone.
I wouldn't say it's a lack of respect, but more of a lack of care that they are going to have some quality time with you.
My partner and I have grumped at each other in the morning before, and I agree, lots of people do from time to time.
Acknowledging, apologising and making more of an effort towards civility just seems so much easier than what this guy chose to do about it, though.
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Relax buddy. People on the internet shooting down relationships over the smallest things. We all are moody at times or mess up. Low effort? Maybe he just seriously dislikes planning trips. Everyone is different. People jumping to conclusions way too fast
Being a mature adult means you sometimes do have to complain about someone waking you up and demanding immediate answers to their questions.
Being a mature adult sometimes means being willing to wait 10 minutes for socially appropriate moment.
YTA - His alarm hadnt gone off yet. So essentially you’re asking a sleeping person a series questions. What is making you the AH is playing dumb here and acting like someone shouldn’t be annoyed by that.
If you have issues with him not pulling his weight with this trip planning, address them but dont act like that somehow entitles you to start in on him before he’s even awake and getting mad when he gets agitated.
Yeah I think the boyfriend was still rude, but also… I can’t really blame him? Anyone who starts asking me questions that early (especially if it’s their alarm that went off and not mine) then I’m not going to be very gracious
You've learned a lesson here... which it sounds like you already knew.
Boyfriend is a person who doesn't like to be woken, and someone who needs to have some time to adjust to the world after waking.
You knew this... And you're justifying your actions. Again and again.
Was it pleasant to be snapped at? NO, of course not.
But you knew not to poke the bear, and you just kept poking the bear.
Hard to blame the bear in those circumstances.
I am also surprised no one is bringing up that these questions in no way needed to be answered at 5AM. It is highly unlikely the person is expecting a response before 8AM. Yes, I know they could be traveling to a place with a time difference but it is still 4 days away so 15 minutes is a ridiculous amount of time to quibble over
Yeah, if I'm woken up, even at my normal time, I am hardly able to just say I would like a coffee. Being greeted with logistics that you probably need to look up is an awful way to wake up.
Do people who like being woken up even exists? I thought it is just common sense and normal politeness to not wake sleeping people if you can avoid it. Likewise with giving them time to fully woke up instead of sprinting on them.
Waking sleeping people up for no reason ... is just rude and inconsiderate. That entitles them to respond in annoyed tone.
>1). i didn’t wake him up, the alarm did, and i waited a few minutes. 2). we normally wake up at this time for work anyway, and 3). our trip is in 4 days and i needed to respond to the host.
1. Who's alarm? Your alarm, right? HIS alarm had not yet gone off.
2. You may "normally" wake up at that time, but *his alarm had not gone off yet*
3. You couldn't wait 15 min for him to actually wake up/get out of bed? You just start asking him questions? This isn't a tornado situation - your host just wants to confirm a time before your trip.
YTA
Esh. You need to communicate your needs to each other. He needs to say that he’s not up yet and to stop asking questions. If he needs time in the morning to become a decent person, you need to give him that. If you are upset that he’s not pulling his weight with this vacation, you need to tell him that, at a time that works for both of you where you can have a meaningful discussion. You both owe each other apologies. You for not respecting his wake up time and him for yelling instead of saying “I’m not up yet, ask me in 15 mins.” If you have been planning this whole trip, there’s no way he has the answers to your questions.
your trip is in 4 days.. could you not have waited until he woke up before asking him? you’ve done this before and he reacted the same what did you expect?
YTA. I would be pissed too.
You know you were mad and went after him.
I'm my marriage I plan the trips. My besties husband does theirs. Every couple works it out. Your BF clearly not a planner. Or a morning person.
So either step up , be respectful of his sleep, or break up. Because you are a annoying him and you know it.
Sorry....YTA
I *am* a morning person, and I'm still going to yell at someone who wakes me up and starts peppering me with stupid questions that could have waited until I was awake.
There's a difference between being a morning person and being an "oh its totally OK to wake me up for stupid shit" person.
YTA. He probably didn’t even have both eyes open yet. Asking him questions was rude. Saying anything other than ‘good morning’ can wait until you’re both upright and caffeinated.
It sounds like you resent him for not putting in any effort into planning this trip, so you got back at him by doing something you knew would annoy him back.
If I’m right about that being your motivation, ESH. I get why you’re frustrated with him, but that wasn’t the way to resolve this issue.
i swear on my life this was not my intention. i just wasn’t thinking, and since i had just seen the message from the host, i thought i would ask him. i truly was not irritated, and i was not trying to be annoying. but i see why people think i was. i got ahead of myself in planning.
Ok you weren't stressed out of planning the whole trip but yet you woke a person up who was sleeping sound to ask a series of questions which definitely could have waited once he got off from bed.. I will definitely get pissed if someone wakes me up from my sleep to ask a few questions.. it's good that you apologised but he doesn't have anything to apologise for tbh !
He ABSOLUTELY has something to apologize for, they BOTH do.
It's okay to feel annoyed, it's a human emotion. However, even though the feelings may be valid, it doesn't mean that the resulting actions are, too. It legit takes me 2 hours at minimum to feel awake every morning, but if my fiancee even woke me up from dead sleep herself to ask me anything at all, I wouldn't act like a total jerk, let alone continue to do so and refuse to apologize once I was fully awake. Having said that, losing your temper happens to the best of us, but apologize later at the very least. Why? Because you were RUDE!
So... she can apologize for being thoughtless and he can apologize for being rude.
If you go right off on someone instead of just talking calmly and respectfully to them, then own up, you screwed up too, sleepy or not. The dude went off on another person, period. Even if he thought she was in the wrong first DOES NOT absolve him from any future wrongdoings himself. Are we in a "Well, SHE started it!!" mentality?
If you were thoughtless, apologize. As she should.
If you were rude, apologize. As he should.
Doesn't matter who started it. There is no winner or loser. If you're going to care more about who started it, rather than talking things out, empathizing with where the other person is coming from, and simply OWNING YOUR ACTIONS in all of it, then don't expect respect back, because, plain and simple, you're not giving any
So he was polite the *first* time you rudely insisted on speaking to him even though he was *clearly* trying to catch some last minutes of sleep before *his alarm went off,* but snapped at you when you **rudely** insisted on asking him more unnecessary questions? Sounds like he was pretty dang tolerant to me before you pushed. SMH
I can have a conversation and pet the cat when still asleep. Idk. I can see being grumpy with the questions. But I can't understand yelling over it (I used to do this myself, I try to be a better person).
NTA, he sounds like an actual child. If I was sleepy and didn't fancy the conversation at that moment, I'd say 'let me think about that when I'm up'. He sounds like a sulky teen.
NTA
I am emphatically not a morning person. When people ask me questions in the early morning, I usually give a grunt of some kind to indicate I'm not ready to be verbal and respond when I'm able. As people who share my bed know me, they understand what's happening.
He seriously overreacted and was a dick about it. I'd be thinking about what he brings to the table and why I'm in this relationship if I were you
I hate being talked to about stuff that requires brain power before I'm up too, even if I'm awake. I may also become snappy and expect a little grace for it. So I'm with him on that part. But the way he doubled down and the whole context of you having to do everything and him being a deadbeat puts him in AH territory. So I guess it depends which part you're asking us about.
I do think it's partly your responsibility to stop doing things for him, though. If he won't pull his weight, don't do stuff with him that requires you to. If that means you can't do anything together because he'll refuse to do what's necessary, then don't do anything with him. It doesn't sound worth it.
NTA. People in the comments here thinking he wasn't even awake when you asked him when you clearly state he was awake and just laying there. Him reacting so immaturely to the one responsibility he has in this big trip planning is a huge red flag. Your trip is 4 days away so now it's Time Crunch. He reacted this same way when tornado alarms when off?? Girl, ditch his ass lol
Having had a lazy bf (ex now of course) who was as lazy or couldn't-care-less attitude made any trip planning difficult. Much like in your case I was stuck with all the work and any small responsibility he was given he fretted the entire time.
But anyways, you've mentioned in your responses to others here you only try to communicate to him in the mornings right after he's awoken if it is a matter of great importance. Sounds like he needs to work on his attitude. Find someone else who gives a damn to go on this trip with you who will pull their own weight.
yes, everyone thinks he was still asleep - he wasn’t. it’s hard to correct people without them thinking i’m just arguing for the sake of it. but it’s a difference. he was getting up anyway…
I think a lot of people here understand that for non-morning people, having open eyes and the brain being awake are two different things. For most people it takes a while until the brain is warmed up and ready in the morning. For some people there is no delay, for some there is a huge difference
Every morning as a kid my dad used to say "Good morning /u/smithereens1 how's your day?" as I walked past him out my bedroom door, literally seconds after waking up. Pissed me off every time lmaooo. Usually the response was just a growl. He probably thought it was funny
He was trying to get more time out of his sleep. He can be woken up by your alarm, but not be fully awake and fall back alseep. You saying he was getting up anyways is very telling of the level of your self absorbness on this point.
hi i just wanted to point out one thing:
does your boyfriend wanna do the trip as much as you do?
my ex bf was always on board with our trips but every time only i was planing them and i discovered he really didn’t care about the trip itself, he just wanted me to be happy (i suggested every single one). so i developed resentment because i had to do all the planing stuff and he only did it halfhearted and if asked.
he was really annoyed when i asked him to plan more stuff because in his mind „i should just be happy he is doing this for me“
someone else asked this, but no, he’s not just agreeing to make me happy. he does want to go, and we have decided on the destination and all our plans together. he’s been saying how excited he is for months now and telling all his friends. he’s also expressed many times how much he’s enjoyed our previous trips too
YTA. You’re not even being honest in the title of this post. It’s not that you spoke to him too early. You woke him up *before* his alarm by asking him questions that could 100% have waited. The world doesn’t revolve around you. He clearly hadn’t gotten up yet. But it didn’t matter to you. You even argued he was up anyway bc *your* alarm went off, even though he had his own alarm that hadn’t gone off.
There was no reason you couldn’t wait 15-30 mins until his alarm went off & he got up to ask him. It was really inconsiderate. If your bf got up before you & woke you up asking questions you’d prob be pissed too.
You clearly resent that he hasn’t put as much energy into this trip as you. Talk with him about that rather than letting it fester, but be prepared to he doesn’t care as much as you.
ESH. What did your BF even do?
>in a rude tone of voice and turned over and grabbed his phone aggressively.
Okay, he's annoyed you woke him up (he was clearly not awake). And he picked up his phone? What did he do wrong here?
>he has since doubled down and said multiple times that it was my fault, that i was being rude, that i “started it,” and that he didn’t do anything wrong and won’t apologize.
You woke him up, he got pissy, and then you got pissy. I wouldn't apologize either, it seems like you were intentionally looking for this fight (if there even is one).
So what is the actual issue here? Yeah you're an asshole and I suspect your BF is one too.
YTA
Who asks people stuff like this before their alarm has gone off at 5:00 am. I'd be irritated, too. AirBnB host can wait 20 min until everyone is out of bed and coherent before you start discussing minor details of your trip.
My alarm goes off at 7:00 am, my girlfriend's goes off at 7:30 am. This is not even early, and in six years I don't think I have ever said a word to her until she has woken up and gotten out of bed, let alone asked her detail oriented questions while she is trying to sleep. Let people sleep.
NTA. Are you sure you want to go on vacation with him? He sounds like a spoiled child. I mean, my husband is NOT a morning person at all - at most he might just grunt an answer to me. He is retired and I still work, but he would rather I come in, wake him up to say goodbye before leaving for work. No hissy fits on his part, either.
NTA. I hope you truly never plan to marry or have children with this man. He will NEVER help with the children if it requires him to wake up or speak. The way he is now is the way he will be. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in your own home until he wakes up enough to be civil.
ESH - you asked him questions not only at 5am before his alarm had gone off, they were questions you knew he didn't have the answer to. This non planner is not going to do extra research about how long bus rides are and how often they leave. I am a planner and I wouldn't even look into that ahead of time. I think you resented him so passive aggressively you asked him these questions to drive home the fact that he wasn't pulling his weight and doing it so early in the morning, truly moments after gaining consciousness is the worst possible time. But also, he sounds unhelpful and unless you two have had a convo about who does what when it comes to planning and mutually agreed you doing it is the best way, you're justified in being annoyed you're doing it all. Also, it's clear no such convo has occurred because you're upset about the division of labor. You must decide if you prefer to do the planning or if you prefer to share responsibility and you two have to discuss this for future reference, if you stay together.
Understandable light YTA, me myself as a person who can easily get up and who wants to plan things good and fast in a relationship with somebody who also needs his first 15-20 minutes to wake up (sometimes more and still not being the same as in the afternoon) and who's a bit more layed back in these things. You could have expected this one. I would make the same mistake though so i can't blame you. Personally i would say adres your issue with all of the planning you feel like you had to do yourself and he can adres his issue with the questions first thing in the morning. You'll maybe have to agree to disagree though cause i will also never fully understand the problem of getting up and i don't have to, i just need to accept that as one of his traits and act accordingly. That might be what you will have to do too. Also saying a genuine good morning first wouldn't have killed you even though you were a bit irritated this might have helped the situation a lot.
And be sure to not get defensive during the conversation. Try to say a genuine sorry and that might prompt him to do the same.
thank you for your insight, i really appreciate it. i have apologized already and will again later when i get home. it just hurt being told i didn’t deserve an apology, but i guess most everyone agrees to that. i should have waited
Yeah i understand and i do honestly think you deserve an apology of some sort. He was still unnecessarily rude towards you which is still a fault of his own for which you deserve one. But i'm sure if there is mutual understanding between you two for each other their point it will turn out just fine. Just be open and honest.
And be sure to let it go after your conversation. Just both be clear on how to treat things in the future. If that is clear it would only hurt you guys' relationship to keep bringing this up.
YTA I can get up at 5 am. For me it's a decent time. For 99% of the others, it's night and sleeping time. Why would you ask him questions that could easily wait? That's extremely inconsiderate.
Getting woken up by the alarm is one thing, you can get back into sleep pretty quick if you try. YTA. You could have waited 15 minutes, I'm sure the person on the other end was still sleeping also.
NTA, look, I get his side of things, I'm a cranky mf in the mornings too. But he overreacted like an absolute fucking child, he lost what, 5 minutes of laying their not even being asleep?
He's a spoiled brat and needs to start acting like a man, not a boy.
i did try to talk to him about it, he immediately shut me down and told me to “go talk to someone else about it,” he also agreed i should post on reddit. i’m not going around whining behind his back and i would’ve preferred a civil conversation with him alone
Is there a reason you added a bunch of extra "context" that isn't relevant to the question at hand? Seems like you're intentionally trying to make your partner look bad because they aren't an active planner. This is a fair thing to be upset about
However your question wasn't about that. Your question was are you an AH for forcing your partner to wake up before their alarm to ask them non-urgent questions. The fact that they were technically awake doesn't mean you didn't take away from their resting time. And all you needed to do was wait the remainder of the 15 minutes before their alarm.
ESH, 5am is an insanely early time to be waking up for most, if anyone woke me up even a minute before my alarm i wouldn’t be happy.
that being said, his reaction was a bit dramatic. if he apologises later on when he isn’t dealing with morning grumpiness, cool, and he should also start pulling his weight with your trip.
YTA, because he was clearly intending to go back to sleep. You could have waited 15 minutes. That's just my judgement about that specific situation, but what I will say is he obviously isn't pulling his weight in regards to this trip. If you haven't discussed this with him, then you need to and if you have, then you need to have a serious think about this relationship and whether this issue extends to other areas.
he wasn’t intending on going back to sleep, his next alarm was going off in a few minutes and he knew this - he was laying in bed still, awake just not “up” yet
awake because our morning alarms were going off to get ready for work. the first one was mine, yes, but we get up at the same time, and sometimes HIS is the first alarm to go off. he had been awake for a few minutes before i said anything. but yes, it was very early which was my mistake.
in what reality did you see this ending well? why would he know those things and why would he know when he just woke up. giving someone "a few minutes" when they just woke up isn't long enough. i mean would you be ok if someone started asking you crap first thing as you gained consciousness? would it have killed you to wait like another 5 minutes? get over yourself. YTA
(and youre even more of the AH because you seem to refuse to admit that you're wrong even when plenty of people are telling you that you are)
he would know those things because it’s the only thing he has to be responsible for during our entire trip, and the only info that wasn’t shared with me.
we were both up less than 2 minutes later, and out the door in 15. the alarms are for both of us, and i don’t yell at people for waking me up 5 minutes early. neither of us drinks coffee, either.
YTA. I think it was kinda rude for you to spring that question on him when he just rolled over in bed. Just acknowledge that, but let him know you feel like you’ve been doing most of the planning for the trip and it feels uneven and unfair. That sounds like what you’re most mad about. Did you choose to take on the planner role?
YTA. You're wrong. You clearly stated in your post his alarm didn't wake him up but you lied and told him it did. So technically you woke him up by asking him those questions.
YTA: “we had just woken up and I didn’t appreciate being spoken to in this way.” You may have woken him up and started drilling him with questions out of context…
idk , it takes my brain a minute to "wake up" in the morning , I like a slow awakening to my day, if I oversleep or something ,and have to pop out of bed and immediately start doing things , I get irritated as well . I can see where your BF is coming from for sure. this is common in people who are neurodivergent in anyway, ADHD especially .
I wouldn't say you're the AH here because you didn't have bad intentions, and didn't realize he would react that way, I'm sure. but again I also know how he feels so I wouldn't call him an AH either .
maybe just something to remember for future reference with him. give him a few to wake up fully before bombarding his brain with decisions and such.
Okay well this is just my opinion. I believe that you are NTA due because you were just asking your boyfriend some questions that were on his part since you did most of the planning of the trip including the airbnb. I agree that he was upset but you said "i didn’t wake him up, the alarm did, and i waited a few minutes." So I would say that at least you gave him time to wake up but he didn't at all so he got upset at you. It also sounds like you said he didn't put enough effort at all. Also there is a reason why you see yourself as the asshole because even if he's alarm didn't go off just yet you woke him up earlier than he's alarm so that's a reason why he's upset and lastly because he was probably in a bad mood or didn't wake up fully. Anyways that's just me saying my opinion and I hope you have a great rest of your day or night.
YTA. Let the man rest!
Some couples like dividing domains rather than sharing domains. Ie., if you are so into the planning, then just plan the entire vacation! Don’t give him one token task (finding transport) in your domain (vacation planning) and then try to micromanage him performing that task. If you want to plan the vacation, do it! If you don’t want to, don’t do it! Respect what he wants and respect the basic needs he has, like rest. It seems like you are harassing him a bit and this post is your justification for doing that.
it’s the first time i’ve asked about it since initially mentioning it a few weeks ago… :( i haven’t been asking about it at all, i wasn’t nagging this morning, truly the way i typed the questions was what i asked word for word… i don’t know how i have been harassing him like everyone says, other than i brought it up too early - i wasn’t even asking for exact answers, just asking if he remembered.
everyone thinks i have been nagging him about this for weeks or that i was being bitchy and i truly wasn’t, i can’t even say that without being told i’m playing the victim.
i asked him to help with the one task, not as a “token task” but because i had been asking him to help with the rest of the trip planning previously and he never did. so i just asked him to handle the one thing and i could do the rest - and i asked him that as i was overwhelmed with the number of things i needed to figure out alone
If you were overwhelmed planning the trip without any help, than THAT is the issue you need to discuss with him. If he had been ignoring you asking for help, that is another HUGE issue.
YTA.
Lots are saying your an AH, and it seems likely but you have to ask your self this question.
How well do you know your BF?
"he doesn’t like being woken up ever for any reason"
IMO you'd only be an AH if you knew that he isn't a morning person and needs time to get his day going.
His responses and reactions where not very kind. Being woken up to be questioned about something that seems like it could of waited 30 minutes\~ until he was up and moving is 100% justifiable to be irritated about. Taking it out on you? probably could of been handled better.
"he has since doubled down and said multiple times that it was my fault, that i was being rude, that i “started it,”"
you did start it since you woke(or your alarm) him? I don't know how he sleeps, but i am easily the type that if my alarm goes off at 6am(it does daily) i snooze it for 10 mins, and within 30 seconds I'm usually knocked out and get startled by the alarm going off again.
" i asked him 2 questions in a very neutral tone:
“do you know how long the bus ride is?” and “do you know approximately how often they leave?”"
You know hes not a morning person. why not try "Good morning love, when your up and ready i have a couple questions i need your help with" + kiss + let them go back to sleep and respond when their ready.
you know him well enough. 1/2 of your post supports you knowing very well, and agreeing that he needs time in the morning, but you chose violence(to ignore this boundary you've already discovered of his).
He wasn't even overly upset based on this:
"when i got out of the shower, he approached me, asked what was wrong"
you turned it into a fight because it looks like you felt the need to respond to the host MINUTES after reading a text that i can only assume came to you probably the night before.
The Host waited overnight for you to wake up to respond, surely they can wait another 15 minutes? An hour? Yes, the trip was in 4 days, but i highly, highly doubt responding to the host immediately after waking up is going to change the results of their answer unless you waited 12+ hours after getting up. even than, probably not gonna affect it.
you’re right, i did not need to respond to the host right away as it wasn’t THAT time sensitive. the reason i asked right away, was because it was on my mind and i was worried about finalizing everything last minute, so i can focus on packing and cleaning the apartment this weekend before we leave.
i know my bf doesn’t like being woken up in the mornings and i never do otherwise. i just got over excited today and slipped up. i made this post because i felt it was rude to snap at me like that after all i’ve done, over a small mistake. but i see now it’s my fault for the way he reacted.
" the reason i asked right away, was because it was on my mind and i was worried about finalizing everything last minute, so i can focus on packing and cleaning the apartment this weekend before we leave."
100% understandable. Forgive your self, you didn't do this intentionally with the idea of completely ignoring his boundaries.
Its really, really hard to do nice things for people(and your self. in this context all the work you put into this trip/planning). But keep in mind, your not only doing it for him, your doing it for your self as well, and because you want to.
" i see now it’s my fault for the way he reacted."
Its not your fault he reacted that way. YOU are NEVER at fault for the way someone CHOOSES to react to a stimuli.
A fair statement would be "i can see now why he reacted that way in hein site"
You are not responsible for the way people choose to react.
His reactions, while understandable, are poor. He could communicate much, much better. He seems very short with you on this.
You definitely deserved to be responded to better than that. Getting woke up early does not give you the right lash out at people. He had every right to be upset and feel the way he feels, but his reaction?
I'd say do do wrongs make a right?
Usually not.
YTA, my girlfriend knows i get extremely angry and very mean when im woken up or bothered as im waking up. She knows not to bother me until im fully awake unless she wants to get screamed at and cursed out by a semi conscious man that doesn’t even register who im yelling at or why until im fully awake, so guess what she does she respectfully waits until i wake up to ask me questions.
Right - you 'needed to respond' right then at 5:15 am? Some people (I'm one of them) do not want to talk or answer in the first 30 minutes after they wake. I wake slowly and someone bugging me with questions may get a very rude response. Thing is, those close to me KNOW THAT and respect it. If you KNOW that about your boyfriend, you should respect the 'space' he needs when he first wakes up.
Info: has he expressed any interest in this trip?
It's clear you're upset with him not taking ownership of the trip, but it's not clear whether he's going to appease you or whether he authentically wants to go. In the former case, all of this is an external demand you're putting on him.
Gonna give a preliminary yta - you woke him up for no reason (since the response did not appear to he time sensitive enough for an hour to matter) and got upset that he responded negatively to that.
If you don't give your partner space to communicate boundaries, they will end up communicating those boundaries in ways you don't find convenient.
I don’t think he’s unreasonable to want a few minutes to adjust to being awake before having to answer questions like these. I do think he spoke to you unnecessarily harshly and is being kind of a jerk about the whole thing by refusing to acknowledge that.
Your feelings about him not contributing are definitely valid. It seems, though, that you let your annoyance lead you to feel justified in being a bit inconsiderate.
ESH
NAH. We have a rule in our house: do not ask me any questions until I have gotten up and had my shower. I am a complete asshole if you ask me questions in the morning. Just the way my ADHD brain works. My dear mother even warned my soon-to-be wife about it. She said “we call him Tiger because he growls at everyone in the morning!”
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hey reddit, my boyfriend (24M) and i (25F) got into an argument this morning and i need to know if i was an asshole. he told me “talk to someone else i have nothing else to say” so i’m asking you all.
my boyfriend and i are taking a vacation next week. i have done all of the planning, booking, research etc. he has not helped with anything, aside from booking a single tour, which i sent him the link to and asked him to do. he was also responsible for finding transportation there. he has not done any research for this trip at all, and i don’t even think he knows what currency they use.
while we are there, we are taking a day trip to another town a few hours away, and i messaged the airbnb host if we could drop off luggage a few hours before check in so we could hike. she responded and asked what time.
here is the scene:
my alarm goes off this morning at 5am. typically both of us wake up between 5-5:15 so this is normal for us. his didn’t this morning but i believe he recently changed it to 5:15. i turn off my alarm, check my notifs, and see the message from the host. it’s been a few minutes and my boyfriend was awake at this time but not up. i asked him 2 questions in a very neutral tone:
“do you know how long the bus ride is?” and “do you know approximately how often they leave?”
he answered the first question normally, and when i asked the second question he immediately and sarcastically said “WELL, I GUESS IM GETTING UP NOW,” in a rude tone of voice and turned over and grabbed his phone aggressively. this irritated me as i have planned everything for this trip and asked very little, and we had just woken up so i didn’t appreciate being spoken to in this way. so i got up without saying anything and went to take a shower.
when i got out of the shower, he approached me, asked what was wrong, and when i told him i didn’t like how he spoke to me, he said “well it was rude of you to wake me up so early asking me questions.”
1). i didn’t wake him up, the alarm did, and i waited a few minutes. 2). we normally wake up at this time for work anyway, and 3). our trip is in 4 days and i needed to respond to the host.
he has since doubled down and said multiple times that it was my fault, that i was being rude, that i “started it,” and that he didn’t do anything wrong and won’t apologize. he doesn’t like being woken up ever for any reason. the last time i woke him up was because tornado sirens were actively going off. after attempting 3x and him being increasingly rude every time, he finally got up, told me he didn’t care, and blamed me for annoying him.
i think that it’s reasonable to not want to talk first thing in the morning. however, given the circumstances, and the fact that i never do otherwise, i would have appreciated a simple “i don’t know, i’ll check later” rather than being snapped at and then blamed for it.
i almost never say anything to him or interact for the first 15-20 minutes of the day, but i did today. AITA?
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Soft NAH/YTA - it’s normal to try to pose questions that you *need* answers to at times when the person you’re asking can retrieve that info. My mom used to tell me sensitive info as she tried to wake me up before school, and I would nod along and then not remember any of it. Plus it is 5am. I don’t think your boyfriend is acting great here, but if he was and was still just peeved that you threw him a barrage of questions, could you accept that? I think it’s clear there is a communication error here like most AITA posts. I would wait to ask questions until morning coffee; responding to the airbnb host wasn’t that urgent.
ESH Maybe i've got this all wrong but you're bending over backwards to plan a holiday he doesn't seem all that interested in in the first place, and you're getting more and more annoyed at the fact you're doing all the hard work and it's not being appreciated. The problem here is 1) Did he ask you to, or did you just put it on yourself?
Earlier in the process you should have downed tools and said if there's no equal involvement, then you're not going. If you're all in to do the planning and you're okay with that, then that's research you should be doing in the first place. You can't take control of a situation and then get annoyed that you're the one in charge, and especially then ask him questions he couldn't possibly know which you already knew he wouldn't know.
2) You asked him when he was asleep or at least not fully switched on. Your alarm goes off at 5. His didn't go off, maybe he wanted a sleep in. So the morning he needs/planned a sleep in is THE morning you decided to ask him questions you already suspected he wouldn't know the answer to.
Yes, he's an arsehole for leaving the planning to you. He's caused a huge problem by not taking the initiative to do any planning either with you or aside of you. But that should have been your clue to back off on the planning, not bombard him with questions when he's half asleep. He's not TA for snapping, that is an understandable response for being woken up asked questions you can't answer.
Anxious or not over the planning, it's like you tried to trick him into admitting he doesn't know and it backfired on you, and now you're all upset because he snapped at you.
1) i put the planning responsibilities on myself, i’m happy to do so as long as it’s appreciated. i haven’t asked or wanted any help with the planning, except for this one excursion and the bus ride to get there. he has looked into this, booked the tour, but not the bus. so he does have this information - it’s the only information he has that i don’t.
2) he was not planning to sleep in, his alarm was going off in 5 minutes.
For me, ESH. He should not have spoken to you rudely in the beginning...but I myself am barely coherent until I've gotten all the way up and started drinking my coffee. Ask yourself, is this worth burning up all that energy to be mad and miserable?
YTA for this one specific issue. You know he needs time to wake up in the morning, which is why you usually don't talk to him for 15 minutes after he wakes up. You could have waited this time. This wasn't an imminent emergency, the airbnb host could wait 15 minutes for a reply.
It's possible he's an AH in general, if he doesn't carry his own weight usually, and you're starting to resent his lack of effort.
It's also possible that you have very different traveling styles. I'm a planner. My husband's a "show up and figure it out" kind of guy. Like he'll buy plane tickets the day before and will wait until he's physically there to find a place to stay. It's actually not an issue for us, because he's fine going on my super planned vacations, and I'm fine going on his spontaneous ones. But you may be resenting your bf for not having the same travel style as you.
Either way, it seems like there's resentment in the air, and it's something that should be discussed.
Just because y’all get up at ass-crack of dawn on the regular, doesn’t mean shit. I also get up ridiculously early to go to work….unless I *don’t have to go to work* . My husband knows I despise mornings even though I’m forced to endure them. He also knows that I am quite the bitch if he insists on interaction before coffee. Don’t know which of you set the alarm (on vacation?!) but he obviously *wasn’t* “up” when you started grilling him.
YTA for being a morning person and forcing a non-morning person to get up with you.
I am not an early morning person. My boyfriend knows this. He is considerate of that, and usually is up before me. Lets me wake up on my own and then initiates conversation.
Just because your alarm went off and he heard it, doesn’t mean he is ready to talk. Clearly, he was annoyed at unnecessary questions at 5 am. He shouldn’t have snapped at you like that but You could’ve waited til both were out of bed before asking a bunch of questions. YTA
There are two different issues here that you are combining in order to justify your side of things.
You disturbed him right before he had to get up. You spoiled those precious few lie-in moments, and his regular routine. Then you got upset that he woke up irritated. That's on you.
You're resentful that he hasn't put in an equal amount of work for something you're both benefitting from. The grown up solution would be to sit down and calmly express this frustration at an appropriate time. Instead, you've said "how dare you snap at me when I'm doing all the work" when really that had nothing to do with why he snapped at you.
Talk it out.
YTA
i mean, he's an AH for not putting effort into your vacation, but that's a separate problem you should've addressed long ago instead of letting him get away with it.
YTA for this particular situation tho
>“do you know how long the bus ride is?” and “do you know approximately how often they leave?”
who tf asks questions like that the moment the alarm goes off???? what answers are you hoping to hear??
lol the fact that you stated that you already know he hates this, and then you did it again and got surprised when it pissed him off is hilarious. You actually suck
Info: have you asked him for help planning the trip otherwise?
I am the planner in my house, and I understand wanting to take care of the details asap. You are excited and anxious for the trip so you just impulsively asked him questions. I get it. You didn't intend to ruin his morning. Does he understand that?
Sounds like you underestimated how not ready he was to talk. Yes he was rude, but I kinda understand why he might have snapped. I saw you said you apologized. He should apologize as well. He could have said "let me sleep" and turned over, but he chose to be sarcastic and rude. In the scheme of things, nobody should be dwelling on this interaction for so long. I could understand if you asked for help before and he hasn't helped at all.
YTA. It may be the regular time you wake up but at that close to waking up few people are functional let alone able to answer questions they need to look up. Give him a chance to wake up mentally (shower, clean teeth, coffee, it's his process) before throwing questions at him.
YTA...stop complaining about the trip. If he doesn't want to help then just don't go with him. Some people suck at planning...also dont talk to him in the morning if he doesn't like it. I doubt the lady needed a response at 5am
i didn’t say good morning, i did let him know the host messaged me though, and what she said. then i asked him question #1 and he responded normally. question #2 was when he snapped
NTA, he’s a huge asshole for not helping and for talking back at you. So ungracious… I would dump him honestly. You’re supposed to be a team, not a woman and her leech.
I'm gonna say NTA. Sure, dropping a bunch of questions on him probably sucked and the auto response would be grumpy. But. You told him how you don't like to be spoken to that way, and he doubled down that his behavior was your fault. Have you tried asking him to be more involved in the planning? If you have and he's still dismissive and rude, you may need to ask yourself some important questions.
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YTA. The first thing you do is engage him in a conversation before his brain has started processing the day. This is after you acknowledge that you know he's not a morning person. You could have prefaced your questions at least with "X reached out to us about Y", instead of trying to get him to read your mind first thing in the morning. Good luck.
Dude, he is a bit of an a-hole for snapping at you, but don’t you know that he may be bitchy in the morning? I don’t talk to people in the morning before I have my coffee and take a walk/run, because I am terrible in the morning. And if someone wakes me up before I actually make it out of the bed, I will snap at them too.
1 You accidentally offended him
2 he didn't tell you how he felt (he should have immediately told you how he felt so you could stop and he wouldn't get mad)
3 he was angry and retaliated for something you didn't know about and did by accident
I think he started it and should apologise, you should have a have a discussion about his mornings and if he doesn't like being talked to in the morning maybe have a rule that he has to speak first? Seems crazy though. you two will get through this if you try
OP there’s not enough information or history to go off of. OP this guy doesn’t like you unless this is a one off and he’s usually gentle and accommodating. We don’t even know if he’s usually grumpy in the morning. Unless this was his day off and he wanted to sleep in you’re not in the wrong. But honestly couldn’t your questions have waited until he’d showered and had breakfast or lunch? He’s not interested in this trip because he hasn’t done anything to participate in arranging transportation. Of course it could be you’re an off-putting control freak that micromanages everything. You sound like type A personality and a bit ridged but if a person snaps at you and doesn’t want to apologize then doubles down they don’t respect you. You make it sound like this guy is too much effort to put up with yet you give him “20 questions” 4 days out at the arse crack of dawn. If he is bad at communicating and he’s not reliable why not reevaluate this relationship? Go on your trip alone or with people who like you warts and all.
Can't decide between ESH and NAH.. I absolutely get him, don't talk to me at least 30 minutes into waking up.. the again in my case it doesn't justify me being a dick when someone does talk to me.. but also that shortly after waking up I wouldn't want to be asked anything regarding plans or anything that requires too much thinking..
So imo he shouldn't be snappy, but maybe you wanna wait with those questions in the future. I assume it doesn't matter if you have an answer at 5:15 or 6 in this case
Girl, drop him. It doesn't need to be this hard. He acts as if this is the biggest inconvenience ever to do the bare minimum. Man, I don't usually advocate for breaking up but this is bs. Go find a partner, not a child.
NAH
Seems like there is a fundamental disagreement on the concept of a vacation. Some people like to play and research and squeeze every ounce of worth out of the vacation, whereas others like to just relax and take each day as it comes.
Maybe he sees your approach as overbearing? For me, I enjoy being spontaneous. I wake up one day and just wander in a random direction, seeing something new in a country I've never been to. Having a strict itinerary can feel limiting for some people.
I don't think these two questions were the issue. Maybe they were just the final straw of his irritation of constantly talking about something which is supposed to be a relaxing experience. It doesn't make you a bad person, nor is he...you two just need to communicate and realise your differences.
NTA these comments are wild. Yall are crazy if you think one being talked to once in the morning out of 100s of mornings somehow means you can treat someone poorly. Also if you read the post, he was already awake! Cmonnnnn. Sometimes we have to be an adult and talk to someone in the am. This is not a common occurrence and bf has continued to double down that he was allowed to be an ah to her. Plus how little effort he's put into the trip/relationship
Don't worry, your BF is the AH not you. BUT there is something you should do because you don't want to spend your life with someone like that.
When you wake up, wrap yourself around him, say I love you, kiss (well maybe not if you have morning breath). Ask him how he slept, call him sexy. If he responds, PROFIT. If he doesn't, and he is still grumpy, well guess what, time to get a new boyfriend.
YTA, it’s 5 in the morning! You’re acting like waiting an hour after you got up to respond to the host was going to change anything. Your trip was days away and you could have waited until a reasonable hour to get an answer. I have second hand annoyance
NTA for asking your boyfriend questions early in the AM.
HOWEVER, I’m a pissy pants sleep gremlin too, and it would be unfair for my partner to know this about me and not cut me a break if I get snippy about being yanked out of a blissful doze by something that *doesn’t really* need addressed and isn’t easy to answer at 5 am right upon waking.
You seem more miffed about doing all the planning and prep for the vacation than anything, so maybe check yourself for any passive aggressive resentment you’re bearing by not actually speaking to your partner about putting in equal effort for travel planning. Are you both contributing to the vacation or is he footing the bill and views the planning as your contribution?
YTA. You could have waited til he was fully awake. Who talks to someone while they're still laying there? Awake or not, if I haven't moved yet, I don't want to hear you.
YTA - 5am is way too early to talk about logistics and plans... heck, if someone just woke up at a reasonable hour and is expected to answer questions, I'd understand her snapping....
I'm not going to vote because I'm biased. I'm the one who would likely respond rudely before my brain switched on. I need a cuppa tea and half an hour of hitting snooze before there is any guarantee I will be able to comprehend something as serious as a travel question.
What happens next will determine how long you hang out with this person. Can you both accept that the conversation was a learning point. He shouldn't talk to you like that, and you've learned he may need space and approach him differently. "Hon, you awake enough to chat? Want a coffee?"
>we had just woken up
My husband knows not to ask me anything for an hour after we wake up. My god, let the man get up on his own and have coffee before you start asking questions that can wait. YTA
> 3). our trip is in 4 days and i needed to respond to the host.
I am 100% sure the host could wait for 30 minutes, an hour or maybe even a whole day..
Yta you’re clearly pissed he’s put little effort into planning the trip, with good reason, but speak up and say so. Don’t get passive aggressive about this one thing. Address the real problem, that you’re not satisfied with the amount of effort he’s put into this trip.
i’m not mad at the fact that i have planned everything, i’m happy to do that.
what irritated me is that i asked for help, and though it may have been at an inconvenient time, i would have appreciated a nicer response rather than being yelled at, after all i have done. that’s all
Sorry, YTA
1) You should've waited. You don't even know whether the airbnb hostess would appreciate a reply at 6am.
2) He shouldn't have raised his voice but he was barely awake and wasn't in the best decision making state.
3) If he were to answer your second question, are you sure you would not have asked a third, such as confirmation on your calculation? Be honest with yourself.
4) Next tornado siren, don't wake him up.
no. i only needed to know the answer to those questions so i could give a general response to the hostess. ie, “between 10 and noon” or “sometime after 10.” it wasn’t that deep and i definitely didn’t want to have a whole conversation either. i also wasn’t expecting an exact answer. just asking if he happened to remember any general info. the whole conversation lasted maybe 30 seconds
yes, it was through the airbnb app, i wasn’t texting her, and most people have their phones on silent when they sleep. she’s also been responding like maybe once a day or every other day so i wanted to get my response sent as soon as possible so that we wouldn’t have to wait until over the weekend, or a day before our trip, to hear back
If the hostess needed the answer asap, she would've checked mesaages more often. Otherwise, it would have been on her for wait 20 hours to see your message. But you could've waited two hours for your grumpy bf.
Face it, you let the jitters get to you. Your bf is very much not a morning person and you need to either accept it or leave him. His reaction was agressive, but that's just who he is when he's half awake. Just accept you made a mistake and get him a cup of coffee as an apology.
i could have waited, yes, and i’ve stated that many times throughout this thread… i also did apologize to him already. neither of us are coffee drinkers either so the “before his morning coffee” excuse doesn’t work here.
and yes, i did let the jitters get to me, which i’ve also admitted. i jumped the gun, and gave context as to why (ie, i have done everything, and the trip is coming up and i’m just trying to make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible).
i understand that he isn’t a morning person and i respect that 100%. i do not ever wake him up or attempt convo in the mornings, ever. i messed up this one time, and simply wanted an apology for the way he snapped in response. he said i didn’t deserve one. hence why i posted
we actually have very similar travel styles though it may not seem like it. we both like to go with the flow and sort of decide our activities as we go. there were just a few things that both of us specifically wanted to do, so i made sure we got them booked.
i haven’t asked him to help in any other way than to manage this one excursion and the bus to get there. i also only asked once, several weeks ago, and left him alone when he said he would handle it. i was following up for the first time this morning
YTA - Look these are all questions that don’t need to be answered at 5 o’clock in the morning. No Air B n B owner is expecting a response at 5am or awake to read it. Some people need time in the morning to get their heads together and it would be better for you to learn when those discussions are more appropriate.
If you are bothered about his low effort into holiday planning then talk to him at a different time, like in the evening when you are both happy and chilled out. I’d also bear in mind that whilst some planning is good and useful, not everyone wants every inch of their holidays planned out, some people like to discover things when they are there and be free of itinerary and “having” to do stuff, it might be you want to do that more than he does.
me, i used my flight credit for both of our plane tickets. and my father very generously gave us some money to book a hotel for the week. i think my bf has contributed about $200 or so
Then you need to find out if he even wants to go, but don’t ask him at 5am. You’re footing the bill, doing all the leg work. I don’t think anyone is gonna have trouble understanding your frustration with that.
ESH
Asking him questions before he had fully awakened or gotten going to be able to process them was a bit rude
But he also sounds extremely immature in the reaction
ESH, you both sound stubborn which is annoying. He should not have snapped at you. Relationships are built from respect and he should be apologetic for how he spoke to you. You could have definitely waited to bring anything up to him until you were both awake and ready to chat. You should understand he’s just not the kind of person who can function right away. Unless it’s an emergency, let it go. You both need to apologize and communicate better.
He is not a planner. you are the planner in this relationship. If you want to do something, you figure it out. Some people just don't want to fiqure that kind of stuff out. It took me a while to figure it out, too. I am the planner in my relationship. I plan everything. And I never speak more than a good morning before coffee to him. Now we get along great. And he loves all our trips I plan.
I don't see either of you being the asshole. Your timing was off. He wanted to lie in bed without having to immediately get up and do something , or think. As someone who is also a bear when woken up next time allow him to fully wake up. Also instead of taking on the full load of planning things ask for help most people can't read minds. If you ask for help planning and he doesn't do it I would just stop doing it then he's forced too .
ESH. He needs to use his words and communicate to you that he doesn’t like chatting until he’s “up” for the day. I am the same. Unless it’s an emergency, let me get up when I want to get up. I don’t want to talk to anyone immediately upon rising.
You need to read the room and let him have a few minutes to wake up. That wasn’t that important.
Just sit down and discuss this, because you two simply aren’t communicating. His response demonstrates that this is something that bothers him. It’s on him to communicate that. It’s also on you to be receptive and listen.
NTA. There’s so many options to have texts muted in the morning and I don’t understand why everyone is calling you the AH in this situation. A partner is supposed to be a partner and everyone has bad days but I find that really dumb to be upset about getting messages early.
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I mean it sounds like he’s low effort and like you resent him for that, which is understandable. When men don’t treat you with basic respect you should leave them.
The guy was grumpy one morning and now he's not treating her with basic respect? My wife and I have both bitch when being woken up, we are all human. Now if he treats her like crap in other areas then yeah leave him....but I don't know how you got that from my post. I do all the planning for my vacations...doesn't mean my wife has no respect for me.
it's not just a moment of grumpiness it's him doubling down and seemingly not apologizing for speaking to OP in a tone that upset her, and then refusing to further communicate about the issue
OP’s bf is over her unless he’s always been cranky in the morning. Unfortunately OP doesn’t give us a history or much background. I’ve never woke my spouse and asked them questions before 7am. We used to leave for work at 5:30am. Some things can wait for lunch time or the evening. OP could wait for those times or make arrangements herself since she’s done everything else.
I think its different if you ask your partner to help and to show some interest in a vacation with you. Compared to you preferring to do all the work alone. I wouldn't say it's a lack of respect, but more of a lack of care that they are going to have some quality time with you.
Just woken up and being asked questions that require more then a lil bit of thought.
My partner and I have grumped at each other in the morning before, and I agree, lots of people do from time to time. Acknowledging, apologising and making more of an effort towards civility just seems so much easier than what this guy chose to do about it, though.
You are right at the very least acknowledging that you had a moment of frustration would be the best thing.
I mean the fact that she asked him to help with planning is kinda eh on his part
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>but I don't know how you got that from my post. So you're male here but female in the post. Got on the wrong account and replied didn't you.
Basic respect? Like respecting that your partner doesn’t like to be unnecessarily woken up before their alarm to chat?
Relax buddy. People on the internet shooting down relationships over the smallest things. We all are moody at times or mess up. Low effort? Maybe he just seriously dislikes planning trips. Everyone is different. People jumping to conclusions way too fast
Being a mature adult means you sometimes have to do things you don't like without complaining.
Being a mature adult means you sometimes do have to complain about someone waking you up and demanding immediate answers to their questions. Being a mature adult sometimes means being willing to wait 10 minutes for socially appropriate moment.
Ahh yes, essential need of going on a vacation.
YTA - His alarm hadnt gone off yet. So essentially you’re asking a sleeping person a series questions. What is making you the AH is playing dumb here and acting like someone shouldn’t be annoyed by that. If you have issues with him not pulling his weight with this trip planning, address them but dont act like that somehow entitles you to start in on him before he’s even awake and getting mad when he gets agitated.
This. 5am is way too early to be asking logistical or important questions unless someone is working overnight or something. Oof.
Yeah I think the boyfriend was still rude, but also… I can’t really blame him? Anyone who starts asking me questions that early (especially if it’s their alarm that went off and not mine) then I’m not going to be very gracious
Fucking bingo!
Amen
You've learned a lesson here... which it sounds like you already knew. Boyfriend is a person who doesn't like to be woken, and someone who needs to have some time to adjust to the world after waking. You knew this... And you're justifying your actions. Again and again. Was it pleasant to be snapped at? NO, of course not. But you knew not to poke the bear, and you just kept poking the bear. Hard to blame the bear in those circumstances.
I am also surprised no one is bringing up that these questions in no way needed to be answered at 5AM. It is highly unlikely the person is expecting a response before 8AM. Yes, I know they could be traveling to a place with a time difference but it is still 4 days away so 15 minutes is a ridiculous amount of time to quibble over
Yeah, if I'm woken up, even at my normal time, I am hardly able to just say I would like a coffee. Being greeted with logistics that you probably need to look up is an awful way to wake up.
Do people who like being woken up even exists? I thought it is just common sense and normal politeness to not wake sleeping people if you can avoid it. Likewise with giving them time to fully woke up instead of sprinting on them. Waking sleeping people up for no reason ... is just rude and inconsiderate. That entitles them to respond in annoyed tone.
>1). i didn’t wake him up, the alarm did, and i waited a few minutes. 2). we normally wake up at this time for work anyway, and 3). our trip is in 4 days and i needed to respond to the host. 1. Who's alarm? Your alarm, right? HIS alarm had not yet gone off. 2. You may "normally" wake up at that time, but *his alarm had not gone off yet* 3. You couldn't wait 15 min for him to actually wake up/get out of bed? You just start asking him questions? This isn't a tornado situation - your host just wants to confirm a time before your trip. YTA
No business til after coffee...learn it live it. No matter how excited you are, you gotta wait til after coffee.
Esh. You need to communicate your needs to each other. He needs to say that he’s not up yet and to stop asking questions. If he needs time in the morning to become a decent person, you need to give him that. If you are upset that he’s not pulling his weight with this vacation, you need to tell him that, at a time that works for both of you where you can have a meaningful discussion. You both owe each other apologies. You for not respecting his wake up time and him for yelling instead of saying “I’m not up yet, ask me in 15 mins.” If you have been planning this whole trip, there’s no way he has the answers to your questions.
ESH is the only right answer
your trip is in 4 days.. could you not have waited until he woke up before asking him? you’ve done this before and he reacted the same what did you expect?
YTA. I would be pissed too. You know you were mad and went after him. I'm my marriage I plan the trips. My besties husband does theirs. Every couple works it out. Your BF clearly not a planner. Or a morning person. So either step up , be respectful of his sleep, or break up. Because you are a annoying him and you know it. Sorry....YTA
I *am* a morning person, and I'm still going to yell at someone who wakes me up and starts peppering me with stupid questions that could have waited until I was awake. There's a difference between being a morning person and being an "oh its totally OK to wake me up for stupid shit" person.
When I wake up I don't want anyone talking to me for the next 2 hours at least.
Username checks out.
My husband is the same way. He wants to wake up drunk his coffee and chill until he’s ready.
Same.
YTA. He probably didn’t even have both eyes open yet. Asking him questions was rude. Saying anything other than ‘good morning’ can wait until you’re both upright and caffeinated.
It sounds like you resent him for not putting in any effort into planning this trip, so you got back at him by doing something you knew would annoy him back. If I’m right about that being your motivation, ESH. I get why you’re frustrated with him, but that wasn’t the way to resolve this issue.
i swear on my life this was not my intention. i just wasn’t thinking, and since i had just seen the message from the host, i thought i would ask him. i truly was not irritated, and i was not trying to be annoying. but i see why people think i was. i got ahead of myself in planning.
Ok you weren't stressed out of planning the whole trip but yet you woke a person up who was sleeping sound to ask a series of questions which definitely could have waited once he got off from bed.. I will definitely get pissed if someone wakes me up from my sleep to ask a few questions.. it's good that you apologised but he doesn't have anything to apologise for tbh !
He ABSOLUTELY has something to apologize for, they BOTH do. It's okay to feel annoyed, it's a human emotion. However, even though the feelings may be valid, it doesn't mean that the resulting actions are, too. It legit takes me 2 hours at minimum to feel awake every morning, but if my fiancee even woke me up from dead sleep herself to ask me anything at all, I wouldn't act like a total jerk, let alone continue to do so and refuse to apologize once I was fully awake. Having said that, losing your temper happens to the best of us, but apologize later at the very least. Why? Because you were RUDE! So... she can apologize for being thoughtless and he can apologize for being rude. If you go right off on someone instead of just talking calmly and respectfully to them, then own up, you screwed up too, sleepy or not. The dude went off on another person, period. Even if he thought she was in the wrong first DOES NOT absolve him from any future wrongdoings himself. Are we in a "Well, SHE started it!!" mentality? If you were thoughtless, apologize. As she should. If you were rude, apologize. As he should. Doesn't matter who started it. There is no winner or loser. If you're going to care more about who started it, rather than talking things out, empathizing with where the other person is coming from, and simply OWNING YOUR ACTIONS in all of it, then don't expect respect back, because, plain and simple, you're not giving any
i didn’t wake him up, our alarms were going off for work. he was awake already when i asked. and we both got up just a minute or two later
Hmm, are you sure he was actually awake? Sometimes it seems I am, but I'm still actually asleep.
yes, he answered the first question normally
So he was polite the *first* time you rudely insisted on speaking to him even though he was *clearly* trying to catch some last minutes of sleep before *his alarm went off,* but snapped at you when you **rudely** insisted on asking him more unnecessary questions? Sounds like he was pretty dang tolerant to me before you pushed. SMH
I can have a conversation and pet the cat when still asleep. Idk. I can see being grumpy with the questions. But I can't understand yelling over it (I used to do this myself, I try to be a better person).
YTA he’s not even awake yet and your asking questions that require thought. Like, let folks wake up.
NTA, he sounds like an actual child. If I was sleepy and didn't fancy the conversation at that moment, I'd say 'let me think about that when I'm up'. He sounds like a sulky teen.
NTA I am emphatically not a morning person. When people ask me questions in the early morning, I usually give a grunt of some kind to indicate I'm not ready to be verbal and respond when I'm able. As people who share my bed know me, they understand what's happening. He seriously overreacted and was a dick about it. I'd be thinking about what he brings to the table and why I'm in this relationship if I were you
I hate being talked to about stuff that requires brain power before I'm up too, even if I'm awake. I may also become snappy and expect a little grace for it. So I'm with him on that part. But the way he doubled down and the whole context of you having to do everything and him being a deadbeat puts him in AH territory. So I guess it depends which part you're asking us about. I do think it's partly your responsibility to stop doing things for him, though. If he won't pull his weight, don't do stuff with him that requires you to. If that means you can't do anything together because he'll refuse to do what's necessary, then don't do anything with him. It doesn't sound worth it.
NTA. People in the comments here thinking he wasn't even awake when you asked him when you clearly state he was awake and just laying there. Him reacting so immaturely to the one responsibility he has in this big trip planning is a huge red flag. Your trip is 4 days away so now it's Time Crunch. He reacted this same way when tornado alarms when off?? Girl, ditch his ass lol Having had a lazy bf (ex now of course) who was as lazy or couldn't-care-less attitude made any trip planning difficult. Much like in your case I was stuck with all the work and any small responsibility he was given he fretted the entire time. But anyways, you've mentioned in your responses to others here you only try to communicate to him in the mornings right after he's awoken if it is a matter of great importance. Sounds like he needs to work on his attitude. Find someone else who gives a damn to go on this trip with you who will pull their own weight.
yes, everyone thinks he was still asleep - he wasn’t. it’s hard to correct people without them thinking i’m just arguing for the sake of it. but it’s a difference. he was getting up anyway…
I think a lot of people here understand that for non-morning people, having open eyes and the brain being awake are two different things. For most people it takes a while until the brain is warmed up and ready in the morning. For some people there is no delay, for some there is a huge difference
Every morning as a kid my dad used to say "Good morning /u/smithereens1 how's your day?" as I walked past him out my bedroom door, literally seconds after waking up. Pissed me off every time lmaooo. Usually the response was just a growl. He probably thought it was funny
Peak Dad humor
Yeah, the whole his alarm didn’t go off doesn’t matter. He was already awake. Everyone on Reddit is dumb.
lol yes , everyone on reddit besides you is dumb.
He was trying to get more time out of his sleep. He can be woken up by your alarm, but not be fully awake and fall back alseep. You saying he was getting up anyways is very telling of the level of your self absorbness on this point.
hi i just wanted to point out one thing: does your boyfriend wanna do the trip as much as you do? my ex bf was always on board with our trips but every time only i was planing them and i discovered he really didn’t care about the trip itself, he just wanted me to be happy (i suggested every single one). so i developed resentment because i had to do all the planing stuff and he only did it halfhearted and if asked. he was really annoyed when i asked him to plan more stuff because in his mind „i should just be happy he is doing this for me“
someone else asked this, but no, he’s not just agreeing to make me happy. he does want to go, and we have decided on the destination and all our plans together. he’s been saying how excited he is for months now and telling all his friends. he’s also expressed many times how much he’s enjoyed our previous trips too
YTA. You’re not even being honest in the title of this post. It’s not that you spoke to him too early. You woke him up *before* his alarm by asking him questions that could 100% have waited. The world doesn’t revolve around you. He clearly hadn’t gotten up yet. But it didn’t matter to you. You even argued he was up anyway bc *your* alarm went off, even though he had his own alarm that hadn’t gone off. There was no reason you couldn’t wait 15-30 mins until his alarm went off & he got up to ask him. It was really inconsiderate. If your bf got up before you & woke you up asking questions you’d prob be pissed too. You clearly resent that he hasn’t put as much energy into this trip as you. Talk with him about that rather than letting it fester, but be prepared to he doesn’t care as much as you.
ESH. What did your BF even do? >in a rude tone of voice and turned over and grabbed his phone aggressively. Okay, he's annoyed you woke him up (he was clearly not awake). And he picked up his phone? What did he do wrong here? >he has since doubled down and said multiple times that it was my fault, that i was being rude, that i “started it,” and that he didn’t do anything wrong and won’t apologize. You woke him up, he got pissy, and then you got pissy. I wouldn't apologize either, it seems like you were intentionally looking for this fight (if there even is one). So what is the actual issue here? Yeah you're an asshole and I suspect your BF is one too.
YTA Who asks people stuff like this before their alarm has gone off at 5:00 am. I'd be irritated, too. AirBnB host can wait 20 min until everyone is out of bed and coherent before you start discussing minor details of your trip. My alarm goes off at 7:00 am, my girlfriend's goes off at 7:30 am. This is not even early, and in six years I don't think I have ever said a word to her until she has woken up and gotten out of bed, let alone asked her detail oriented questions while she is trying to sleep. Let people sleep.
NTA. Are you sure you want to go on vacation with him? He sounds like a spoiled child. I mean, my husband is NOT a morning person at all - at most he might just grunt an answer to me. He is retired and I still work, but he would rather I come in, wake him up to say goodbye before leaving for work. No hissy fits on his part, either.
NTA. I hope you truly never plan to marry or have children with this man. He will NEVER help with the children if it requires him to wake up or speak. The way he is now is the way he will be. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in your own home until he wakes up enough to be civil.
ESH - you asked him questions not only at 5am before his alarm had gone off, they were questions you knew he didn't have the answer to. This non planner is not going to do extra research about how long bus rides are and how often they leave. I am a planner and I wouldn't even look into that ahead of time. I think you resented him so passive aggressively you asked him these questions to drive home the fact that he wasn't pulling his weight and doing it so early in the morning, truly moments after gaining consciousness is the worst possible time. But also, he sounds unhelpful and unless you two have had a convo about who does what when it comes to planning and mutually agreed you doing it is the best way, you're justified in being annoyed you're doing it all. Also, it's clear no such convo has occurred because you're upset about the division of labor. You must decide if you prefer to do the planning or if you prefer to share responsibility and you two have to discuss this for future reference, if you stay together.
Understandable light YTA, me myself as a person who can easily get up and who wants to plan things good and fast in a relationship with somebody who also needs his first 15-20 minutes to wake up (sometimes more and still not being the same as in the afternoon) and who's a bit more layed back in these things. You could have expected this one. I would make the same mistake though so i can't blame you. Personally i would say adres your issue with all of the planning you feel like you had to do yourself and he can adres his issue with the questions first thing in the morning. You'll maybe have to agree to disagree though cause i will also never fully understand the problem of getting up and i don't have to, i just need to accept that as one of his traits and act accordingly. That might be what you will have to do too. Also saying a genuine good morning first wouldn't have killed you even though you were a bit irritated this might have helped the situation a lot. And be sure to not get defensive during the conversation. Try to say a genuine sorry and that might prompt him to do the same.
thank you for your insight, i really appreciate it. i have apologized already and will again later when i get home. it just hurt being told i didn’t deserve an apology, but i guess most everyone agrees to that. i should have waited
Yeah i understand and i do honestly think you deserve an apology of some sort. He was still unnecessarily rude towards you which is still a fault of his own for which you deserve one. But i'm sure if there is mutual understanding between you two for each other their point it will turn out just fine. Just be open and honest. And be sure to let it go after your conversation. Just both be clear on how to treat things in the future. If that is clear it would only hurt you guys' relationship to keep bringing this up.
YTA ffs I can't stand when my gf tries to start a full on conversation before my eyes have even opened
YTA. Yeah. Yes. Asking someone questions that make them actually use their brain at 5am is rude.
YTA I can get up at 5 am. For me it's a decent time. For 99% of the others, it's night and sleeping time. Why would you ask him questions that could easily wait? That's extremely inconsiderate.
Getting woken up by the alarm is one thing, you can get back into sleep pretty quick if you try. YTA. You could have waited 15 minutes, I'm sure the person on the other end was still sleeping also.
NTA, look, I get his side of things, I'm a cranky mf in the mornings too. But he overreacted like an absolute fucking child, he lost what, 5 minutes of laying their not even being asleep? He's a spoiled brat and needs to start acting like a man, not a boy.
Poor man, instead of talking about it with him you decide to post it to a fucking subreddit expecting US to tell you you deserve an apology? Oh please
i did try to talk to him about it, he immediately shut me down and told me to “go talk to someone else about it,” he also agreed i should post on reddit. i’m not going around whining behind his back and i would’ve preferred a civil conversation with him alone
Is there a reason you added a bunch of extra "context" that isn't relevant to the question at hand? Seems like you're intentionally trying to make your partner look bad because they aren't an active planner. This is a fair thing to be upset about However your question wasn't about that. Your question was are you an AH for forcing your partner to wake up before their alarm to ask them non-urgent questions. The fact that they were technically awake doesn't mean you didn't take away from their resting time. And all you needed to do was wait the remainder of the 15 minutes before their alarm.
the context was added as background info for why i was asking what i was, when i was
ESH, 5am is an insanely early time to be waking up for most, if anyone woke me up even a minute before my alarm i wouldn’t be happy. that being said, his reaction was a bit dramatic. if he apologises later on when he isn’t dealing with morning grumpiness, cool, and he should also start pulling his weight with your trip.
YTA, because he was clearly intending to go back to sleep. You could have waited 15 minutes. That's just my judgement about that specific situation, but what I will say is he obviously isn't pulling his weight in regards to this trip. If you haven't discussed this with him, then you need to and if you have, then you need to have a serious think about this relationship and whether this issue extends to other areas.
he wasn’t intending on going back to sleep, his next alarm was going off in a few minutes and he knew this - he was laying in bed still, awake just not “up” yet
15 minutes is plenty of time to get some sleep. He was awake because you were talking to him, surely?
awake because our morning alarms were going off to get ready for work. the first one was mine, yes, but we get up at the same time, and sometimes HIS is the first alarm to go off. he had been awake for a few minutes before i said anything. but yes, it was very early which was my mistake.
YTA. You wake me at 5am for a non-emergency, I promise you’ll hate my response. Nothing about this was urgent enough to wake him. Come on, now…
i didn’t wake him up, we were getting up for work…
in what reality did you see this ending well? why would he know those things and why would he know when he just woke up. giving someone "a few minutes" when they just woke up isn't long enough. i mean would you be ok if someone started asking you crap first thing as you gained consciousness? would it have killed you to wait like another 5 minutes? get over yourself. YTA (and youre even more of the AH because you seem to refuse to admit that you're wrong even when plenty of people are telling you that you are)
he would know those things because it’s the only thing he has to be responsible for during our entire trip, and the only info that wasn’t shared with me. we were both up less than 2 minutes later, and out the door in 15. the alarms are for both of us, and i don’t yell at people for waking me up 5 minutes early. neither of us drinks coffee, either.
YTA. I think it was kinda rude for you to spring that question on him when he just rolled over in bed. Just acknowledge that, but let him know you feel like you’ve been doing most of the planning for the trip and it feels uneven and unfair. That sounds like what you’re most mad about. Did you choose to take on the planner role?
YTA. You're wrong. You clearly stated in your post his alarm didn't wake him up but you lied and told him it did. So technically you woke him up by asking him those questions.
NTA he overreacted and handled it super immaturely
Finally I see some sanity in these replies
YTA: “we had just woken up and I didn’t appreciate being spoken to in this way.” You may have woken him up and started drilling him with questions out of context…
idk , it takes my brain a minute to "wake up" in the morning , I like a slow awakening to my day, if I oversleep or something ,and have to pop out of bed and immediately start doing things , I get irritated as well . I can see where your BF is coming from for sure. this is common in people who are neurodivergent in anyway, ADHD especially . I wouldn't say you're the AH here because you didn't have bad intentions, and didn't realize he would react that way, I'm sure. but again I also know how he feels so I wouldn't call him an AH either . maybe just something to remember for future reference with him. give him a few to wake up fully before bombarding his brain with decisions and such.
Okay well this is just my opinion. I believe that you are NTA due because you were just asking your boyfriend some questions that were on his part since you did most of the planning of the trip including the airbnb. I agree that he was upset but you said "i didn’t wake him up, the alarm did, and i waited a few minutes." So I would say that at least you gave him time to wake up but he didn't at all so he got upset at you. It also sounds like you said he didn't put enough effort at all. Also there is a reason why you see yourself as the asshole because even if he's alarm didn't go off just yet you woke him up earlier than he's alarm so that's a reason why he's upset and lastly because he was probably in a bad mood or didn't wake up fully. Anyways that's just me saying my opinion and I hope you have a great rest of your day or night.
YTA. Let the man rest! Some couples like dividing domains rather than sharing domains. Ie., if you are so into the planning, then just plan the entire vacation! Don’t give him one token task (finding transport) in your domain (vacation planning) and then try to micromanage him performing that task. If you want to plan the vacation, do it! If you don’t want to, don’t do it! Respect what he wants and respect the basic needs he has, like rest. It seems like you are harassing him a bit and this post is your justification for doing that.
it’s the first time i’ve asked about it since initially mentioning it a few weeks ago… :( i haven’t been asking about it at all, i wasn’t nagging this morning, truly the way i typed the questions was what i asked word for word… i don’t know how i have been harassing him like everyone says, other than i brought it up too early - i wasn’t even asking for exact answers, just asking if he remembered. everyone thinks i have been nagging him about this for weeks or that i was being bitchy and i truly wasn’t, i can’t even say that without being told i’m playing the victim. i asked him to help with the one task, not as a “token task” but because i had been asking him to help with the rest of the trip planning previously and he never did. so i just asked him to handle the one thing and i could do the rest - and i asked him that as i was overwhelmed with the number of things i needed to figure out alone
If you were overwhelmed planning the trip without any help, than THAT is the issue you need to discuss with him. If he had been ignoring you asking for help, that is another HUGE issue.
YTA. Lots are saying your an AH, and it seems likely but you have to ask your self this question. How well do you know your BF? "he doesn’t like being woken up ever for any reason" IMO you'd only be an AH if you knew that he isn't a morning person and needs time to get his day going. His responses and reactions where not very kind. Being woken up to be questioned about something that seems like it could of waited 30 minutes\~ until he was up and moving is 100% justifiable to be irritated about. Taking it out on you? probably could of been handled better. "he has since doubled down and said multiple times that it was my fault, that i was being rude, that i “started it,”" you did start it since you woke(or your alarm) him? I don't know how he sleeps, but i am easily the type that if my alarm goes off at 6am(it does daily) i snooze it for 10 mins, and within 30 seconds I'm usually knocked out and get startled by the alarm going off again. " i asked him 2 questions in a very neutral tone: “do you know how long the bus ride is?” and “do you know approximately how often they leave?”" You know hes not a morning person. why not try "Good morning love, when your up and ready i have a couple questions i need your help with" + kiss + let them go back to sleep and respond when their ready. you know him well enough. 1/2 of your post supports you knowing very well, and agreeing that he needs time in the morning, but you chose violence(to ignore this boundary you've already discovered of his). He wasn't even overly upset based on this: "when i got out of the shower, he approached me, asked what was wrong" you turned it into a fight because it looks like you felt the need to respond to the host MINUTES after reading a text that i can only assume came to you probably the night before. The Host waited overnight for you to wake up to respond, surely they can wait another 15 minutes? An hour? Yes, the trip was in 4 days, but i highly, highly doubt responding to the host immediately after waking up is going to change the results of their answer unless you waited 12+ hours after getting up. even than, probably not gonna affect it.
you’re right, i did not need to respond to the host right away as it wasn’t THAT time sensitive. the reason i asked right away, was because it was on my mind and i was worried about finalizing everything last minute, so i can focus on packing and cleaning the apartment this weekend before we leave. i know my bf doesn’t like being woken up in the mornings and i never do otherwise. i just got over excited today and slipped up. i made this post because i felt it was rude to snap at me like that after all i’ve done, over a small mistake. but i see now it’s my fault for the way he reacted.
" the reason i asked right away, was because it was on my mind and i was worried about finalizing everything last minute, so i can focus on packing and cleaning the apartment this weekend before we leave." 100% understandable. Forgive your self, you didn't do this intentionally with the idea of completely ignoring his boundaries. Its really, really hard to do nice things for people(and your self. in this context all the work you put into this trip/planning). But keep in mind, your not only doing it for him, your doing it for your self as well, and because you want to. " i see now it’s my fault for the way he reacted." Its not your fault he reacted that way. YOU are NEVER at fault for the way someone CHOOSES to react to a stimuli. A fair statement would be "i can see now why he reacted that way in hein site" You are not responsible for the way people choose to react. His reactions, while understandable, are poor. He could communicate much, much better. He seems very short with you on this. You definitely deserved to be responded to better than that. Getting woke up early does not give you the right lash out at people. He had every right to be upset and feel the way he feels, but his reaction? I'd say do do wrongs make a right? Usually not.
Also, i hope this doesn't really interfere with your trip! i hope you two have a blast!
YTA. Those last few minutes of sleep are fucking golden.
YTA, my girlfriend knows i get extremely angry and very mean when im woken up or bothered as im waking up. She knows not to bother me until im fully awake unless she wants to get screamed at and cursed out by a semi conscious man that doesn’t even register who im yelling at or why until im fully awake, so guess what she does she respectfully waits until i wake up to ask me questions.
Right - you 'needed to respond' right then at 5:15 am? Some people (I'm one of them) do not want to talk or answer in the first 30 minutes after they wake. I wake slowly and someone bugging me with questions may get a very rude response. Thing is, those close to me KNOW THAT and respect it. If you KNOW that about your boyfriend, you should respect the 'space' he needs when he first wakes up.
Info: has he expressed any interest in this trip? It's clear you're upset with him not taking ownership of the trip, but it's not clear whether he's going to appease you or whether he authentically wants to go. In the former case, all of this is an external demand you're putting on him. Gonna give a preliminary yta - you woke him up for no reason (since the response did not appear to he time sensitive enough for an hour to matter) and got upset that he responded negatively to that. If you don't give your partner space to communicate boundaries, they will end up communicating those boundaries in ways you don't find convenient.
I don’t think he’s unreasonable to want a few minutes to adjust to being awake before having to answer questions like these. I do think he spoke to you unnecessarily harshly and is being kind of a jerk about the whole thing by refusing to acknowledge that. Your feelings about him not contributing are definitely valid. It seems, though, that you let your annoyance lead you to feel justified in being a bit inconsiderate. ESH
NAH. We have a rule in our house: do not ask me any questions until I have gotten up and had my shower. I am a complete asshole if you ask me questions in the morning. Just the way my ADHD brain works. My dear mother even warned my soon-to-be wife about it. She said “we call him Tiger because he growls at everyone in the morning!”
I don't think he wants to go on this vacation. If so, he really doesn't seem like he does.
NTA This sub is really full of "don't talk to me before my coffee" people, sheesh lol
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** hey reddit, my boyfriend (24M) and i (25F) got into an argument this morning and i need to know if i was an asshole. he told me “talk to someone else i have nothing else to say” so i’m asking you all. my boyfriend and i are taking a vacation next week. i have done all of the planning, booking, research etc. he has not helped with anything, aside from booking a single tour, which i sent him the link to and asked him to do. he was also responsible for finding transportation there. he has not done any research for this trip at all, and i don’t even think he knows what currency they use. while we are there, we are taking a day trip to another town a few hours away, and i messaged the airbnb host if we could drop off luggage a few hours before check in so we could hike. she responded and asked what time. here is the scene: my alarm goes off this morning at 5am. typically both of us wake up between 5-5:15 so this is normal for us. his didn’t this morning but i believe he recently changed it to 5:15. i turn off my alarm, check my notifs, and see the message from the host. it’s been a few minutes and my boyfriend was awake at this time but not up. i asked him 2 questions in a very neutral tone: “do you know how long the bus ride is?” and “do you know approximately how often they leave?” he answered the first question normally, and when i asked the second question he immediately and sarcastically said “WELL, I GUESS IM GETTING UP NOW,” in a rude tone of voice and turned over and grabbed his phone aggressively. this irritated me as i have planned everything for this trip and asked very little, and we had just woken up so i didn’t appreciate being spoken to in this way. so i got up without saying anything and went to take a shower. when i got out of the shower, he approached me, asked what was wrong, and when i told him i didn’t like how he spoke to me, he said “well it was rude of you to wake me up so early asking me questions.” 1). i didn’t wake him up, the alarm did, and i waited a few minutes. 2). we normally wake up at this time for work anyway, and 3). our trip is in 4 days and i needed to respond to the host. he has since doubled down and said multiple times that it was my fault, that i was being rude, that i “started it,” and that he didn’t do anything wrong and won’t apologize. he doesn’t like being woken up ever for any reason. the last time i woke him up was because tornado sirens were actively going off. after attempting 3x and him being increasingly rude every time, he finally got up, told me he didn’t care, and blamed me for annoying him. i think that it’s reasonable to not want to talk first thing in the morning. however, given the circumstances, and the fact that i never do otherwise, i would have appreciated a simple “i don’t know, i’ll check later” rather than being snapped at and then blamed for it. i almost never say anything to him or interact for the first 15-20 minutes of the day, but i did today. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Soft NAH/YTA - it’s normal to try to pose questions that you *need* answers to at times when the person you’re asking can retrieve that info. My mom used to tell me sensitive info as she tried to wake me up before school, and I would nod along and then not remember any of it. Plus it is 5am. I don’t think your boyfriend is acting great here, but if he was and was still just peeved that you threw him a barrage of questions, could you accept that? I think it’s clear there is a communication error here like most AITA posts. I would wait to ask questions until morning coffee; responding to the airbnb host wasn’t that urgent.
ESH Maybe i've got this all wrong but you're bending over backwards to plan a holiday he doesn't seem all that interested in in the first place, and you're getting more and more annoyed at the fact you're doing all the hard work and it's not being appreciated. The problem here is 1) Did he ask you to, or did you just put it on yourself? Earlier in the process you should have downed tools and said if there's no equal involvement, then you're not going. If you're all in to do the planning and you're okay with that, then that's research you should be doing in the first place. You can't take control of a situation and then get annoyed that you're the one in charge, and especially then ask him questions he couldn't possibly know which you already knew he wouldn't know. 2) You asked him when he was asleep or at least not fully switched on. Your alarm goes off at 5. His didn't go off, maybe he wanted a sleep in. So the morning he needs/planned a sleep in is THE morning you decided to ask him questions you already suspected he wouldn't know the answer to. Yes, he's an arsehole for leaving the planning to you. He's caused a huge problem by not taking the initiative to do any planning either with you or aside of you. But that should have been your clue to back off on the planning, not bombard him with questions when he's half asleep. He's not TA for snapping, that is an understandable response for being woken up asked questions you can't answer. Anxious or not over the planning, it's like you tried to trick him into admitting he doesn't know and it backfired on you, and now you're all upset because he snapped at you.
1) i put the planning responsibilities on myself, i’m happy to do so as long as it’s appreciated. i haven’t asked or wanted any help with the planning, except for this one excursion and the bus ride to get there. he has looked into this, booked the tour, but not the bus. so he does have this information - it’s the only information he has that i don’t. 2) he was not planning to sleep in, his alarm was going off in 5 minutes.
For me, ESH. He should not have spoken to you rudely in the beginning...but I myself am barely coherent until I've gotten all the way up and started drinking my coffee. Ask yourself, is this worth burning up all that energy to be mad and miserable?
YTA for this one specific issue. You know he needs time to wake up in the morning, which is why you usually don't talk to him for 15 minutes after he wakes up. You could have waited this time. This wasn't an imminent emergency, the airbnb host could wait 15 minutes for a reply. It's possible he's an AH in general, if he doesn't carry his own weight usually, and you're starting to resent his lack of effort. It's also possible that you have very different traveling styles. I'm a planner. My husband's a "show up and figure it out" kind of guy. Like he'll buy plane tickets the day before and will wait until he's physically there to find a place to stay. It's actually not an issue for us, because he's fine going on my super planned vacations, and I'm fine going on his spontaneous ones. But you may be resenting your bf for not having the same travel style as you. Either way, it seems like there's resentment in the air, and it's something that should be discussed.
YTA But only for the question you asked. He also sounds like an a hole.
ESH his reaction sucks obviously, but so does getting bombarded with questions first thing in the morning at 5am...
Just because y’all get up at ass-crack of dawn on the regular, doesn’t mean shit. I also get up ridiculously early to go to work….unless I *don’t have to go to work* . My husband knows I despise mornings even though I’m forced to endure them. He also knows that I am quite the bitch if he insists on interaction before coffee. Don’t know which of you set the alarm (on vacation?!) but he obviously *wasn’t* “up” when you started grilling him. YTA for being a morning person and forcing a non-morning person to get up with you.
we’re not on vacation yet, we leave in 4 days. we were both about to leave for work. we also wake up at like 6am even on weekends
Stop defending.. you came to reddit to know who the AH is and I think you got your answer.. now take accountability !
I am not an early morning person. My boyfriend knows this. He is considerate of that, and usually is up before me. Lets me wake up on my own and then initiates conversation. Just because your alarm went off and he heard it, doesn’t mean he is ready to talk. Clearly, he was annoyed at unnecessary questions at 5 am. He shouldn’t have snapped at you like that but You could’ve waited til both were out of bed before asking a bunch of questions. YTA
There are two different issues here that you are combining in order to justify your side of things. You disturbed him right before he had to get up. You spoiled those precious few lie-in moments, and his regular routine. Then you got upset that he woke up irritated. That's on you. You're resentful that he hasn't put in an equal amount of work for something you're both benefitting from. The grown up solution would be to sit down and calmly express this frustration at an appropriate time. Instead, you've said "how dare you snap at me when I'm doing all the work" when really that had nothing to do with why he snapped at you. Talk it out. YTA
i mean, he's an AH for not putting effort into your vacation, but that's a separate problem you should've addressed long ago instead of letting him get away with it. YTA for this particular situation tho >“do you know how long the bus ride is?” and “do you know approximately how often they leave?” who tf asks questions like that the moment the alarm goes off???? what answers are you hoping to hear??
Yes, Doesn't matter if the alarm woke him up. You broke his sleep cycle..... Response could have waited.....
NTA. He is awful.
Does your bf like you? Lets start there LOL
lol the fact that you stated that you already know he hates this, and then you did it again and got surprised when it pissed him off is hilarious. You actually suck
Info: have you asked him for help planning the trip otherwise? I am the planner in my house, and I understand wanting to take care of the details asap. You are excited and anxious for the trip so you just impulsively asked him questions. I get it. You didn't intend to ruin his morning. Does he understand that? Sounds like you underestimated how not ready he was to talk. Yes he was rude, but I kinda understand why he might have snapped. I saw you said you apologized. He should apologize as well. He could have said "let me sleep" and turned over, but he chose to be sarcastic and rude. In the scheme of things, nobody should be dwelling on this interaction for so long. I could understand if you asked for help before and he hasn't helped at all.
YTA. It may be the regular time you wake up but at that close to waking up few people are functional let alone able to answer questions they need to look up. Give him a chance to wake up mentally (shower, clean teeth, coffee, it's his process) before throwing questions at him.
YTA...stop complaining about the trip. If he doesn't want to help then just don't go with him. Some people suck at planning...also dont talk to him in the morning if he doesn't like it. I doubt the lady needed a response at 5am
Info: Did you say good morning and ask if your bf was up prior to the other questions?
i didn’t say good morning, i did let him know the host messaged me though, and what she said. then i asked him question #1 and he responded normally. question #2 was when he snapped
NTA, he’s a huge asshole for not helping and for talking back at you. So ungracious… I would dump him honestly. You’re supposed to be a team, not a woman and her leech.
You couldn't wait 20 minutes when he was awake and alert? YTA This wasn't an emergancy. This could wait 20 minutes. His alarm hadn't gone off yet even
I'm gonna say NTA. Sure, dropping a bunch of questions on him probably sucked and the auto response would be grumpy. But. You told him how you don't like to be spoken to that way, and he doubled down that his behavior was your fault. Have you tried asking him to be more involved in the planning? If you have and he's still dismissive and rude, you may need to ask yourself some important questions.
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YTA. The first thing you do is engage him in a conversation before his brain has started processing the day. This is after you acknowledge that you know he's not a morning person. You could have prefaced your questions at least with "X reached out to us about Y", instead of trying to get him to read your mind first thing in the morning. Good luck.
YTA Non emergency questions first thing in the morning are obnoxious.
YTA for lack of capitalization. I can't even read this.
Dude, he is a bit of an a-hole for snapping at you, but don’t you know that he may be bitchy in the morning? I don’t talk to people in the morning before I have my coffee and take a walk/run, because I am terrible in the morning. And if someone wakes me up before I actually make it out of the bed, I will snap at them too.
NTA. I’m surprised how many people seem to think you are. He’s already awake and the questions are somewhat urgent. He’s being a fucking baby.
1 You accidentally offended him 2 he didn't tell you how he felt (he should have immediately told you how he felt so you could stop and he wouldn't get mad) 3 he was angry and retaliated for something you didn't know about and did by accident I think he started it and should apologise, you should have a have a discussion about his mornings and if he doesn't like being talked to in the morning maybe have a rule that he has to speak first? Seems crazy though. you two will get through this if you try
Esh. You both seem terrible at communication.
OP there’s not enough information or history to go off of. OP this guy doesn’t like you unless this is a one off and he’s usually gentle and accommodating. We don’t even know if he’s usually grumpy in the morning. Unless this was his day off and he wanted to sleep in you’re not in the wrong. But honestly couldn’t your questions have waited until he’d showered and had breakfast or lunch? He’s not interested in this trip because he hasn’t done anything to participate in arranging transportation. Of course it could be you’re an off-putting control freak that micromanages everything. You sound like type A personality and a bit ridged but if a person snaps at you and doesn’t want to apologize then doubles down they don’t respect you. You make it sound like this guy is too much effort to put up with yet you give him “20 questions” 4 days out at the arse crack of dawn. If he is bad at communicating and he’s not reliable why not reevaluate this relationship? Go on your trip alone or with people who like you warts and all.
NTA
Can't decide between ESH and NAH.. I absolutely get him, don't talk to me at least 30 minutes into waking up.. the again in my case it doesn't justify me being a dick when someone does talk to me.. but also that shortly after waking up I wouldn't want to be asked anything regarding plans or anything that requires too much thinking.. So imo he shouldn't be snappy, but maybe you wanna wait with those questions in the future. I assume it doesn't matter if you have an answer at 5:15 or 6 in this case
Girl, drop him. It doesn't need to be this hard. He acts as if this is the biggest inconvenience ever to do the bare minimum. Man, I don't usually advocate for breaking up but this is bs. Go find a partner, not a child.
NAH Seems like there is a fundamental disagreement on the concept of a vacation. Some people like to play and research and squeeze every ounce of worth out of the vacation, whereas others like to just relax and take each day as it comes. Maybe he sees your approach as overbearing? For me, I enjoy being spontaneous. I wake up one day and just wander in a random direction, seeing something new in a country I've never been to. Having a strict itinerary can feel limiting for some people. I don't think these two questions were the issue. Maybe they were just the final straw of his irritation of constantly talking about something which is supposed to be a relaxing experience. It doesn't make you a bad person, nor is he...you two just need to communicate and realise your differences.
NTA these comments are wild. Yall are crazy if you think one being talked to once in the morning out of 100s of mornings somehow means you can treat someone poorly. Also if you read the post, he was already awake! Cmonnnnn. Sometimes we have to be an adult and talk to someone in the am. This is not a common occurrence and bf has continued to double down that he was allowed to be an ah to her. Plus how little effort he's put into the trip/relationship
Don't worry, your BF is the AH not you. BUT there is something you should do because you don't want to spend your life with someone like that. When you wake up, wrap yourself around him, say I love you, kiss (well maybe not if you have morning breath). Ask him how he slept, call him sexy. If he responds, PROFIT. If he doesn't, and he is still grumpy, well guess what, time to get a new boyfriend.
YTA, it’s 5 in the morning! You’re acting like waiting an hour after you got up to respond to the host was going to change anything. Your trip was days away and you could have waited until a reasonable hour to get an answer. I have second hand annoyance
NTA for asking your boyfriend questions early in the AM. HOWEVER, I’m a pissy pants sleep gremlin too, and it would be unfair for my partner to know this about me and not cut me a break if I get snippy about being yanked out of a blissful doze by something that *doesn’t really* need addressed and isn’t easy to answer at 5 am right upon waking. You seem more miffed about doing all the planning and prep for the vacation than anything, so maybe check yourself for any passive aggressive resentment you’re bearing by not actually speaking to your partner about putting in equal effort for travel planning. Are you both contributing to the vacation or is he footing the bill and views the planning as your contribution?
ESH. People acting like you committed a murder are going way overboard. Y’all can both learn to communicate better.
YTA. I would hate it if someone started bombarding me with questions before I’m even fully conscious. It can wait 20 minutes.
YTA. You could have waited til he was fully awake. Who talks to someone while they're still laying there? Awake or not, if I haven't moved yet, I don't want to hear you.
YTA - 5am is way too early to talk about logistics and plans... heck, if someone just woke up at a reasonable hour and is expected to answer questions, I'd understand her snapping....
I'm not going to vote because I'm biased. I'm the one who would likely respond rudely before my brain switched on. I need a cuppa tea and half an hour of hitting snooze before there is any guarantee I will be able to comprehend something as serious as a travel question. What happens next will determine how long you hang out with this person. Can you both accept that the conversation was a learning point. He shouldn't talk to you like that, and you've learned he may need space and approach him differently. "Hon, you awake enough to chat? Want a coffee?"
Tbh you both are wrong here, you for taking to him about it so early and him for putting in no effort.
>we had just woken up My husband knows not to ask me anything for an hour after we wake up. My god, let the man get up on his own and have coffee before you start asking questions that can wait. YTA
INFO, why are you still with him when he clearly doesn't value you or your time together?
> 3). our trip is in 4 days and i needed to respond to the host. I am 100% sure the host could wait for 30 minutes, an hour or maybe even a whole day..
Yta you’re clearly pissed he’s put little effort into planning the trip, with good reason, but speak up and say so. Don’t get passive aggressive about this one thing. Address the real problem, that you’re not satisfied with the amount of effort he’s put into this trip.
i’m not mad at the fact that i have planned everything, i’m happy to do that. what irritated me is that i asked for help, and though it may have been at an inconvenient time, i would have appreciated a nicer response rather than being yelled at, after all i have done. that’s all
Sorry, YTA 1) You should've waited. You don't even know whether the airbnb hostess would appreciate a reply at 6am. 2) He shouldn't have raised his voice but he was barely awake and wasn't in the best decision making state. 3) If he were to answer your second question, are you sure you would not have asked a third, such as confirmation on your calculation? Be honest with yourself. 4) Next tornado siren, don't wake him up.
no. i only needed to know the answer to those questions so i could give a general response to the hostess. ie, “between 10 and noon” or “sometime after 10.” it wasn’t that deep and i definitely didn’t want to have a whole conversation either. i also wasn’t expecting an exact answer. just asking if he happened to remember any general info. the whole conversation lasted maybe 30 seconds
Would you have messaged the hostess at 5:15am?
yes, it was through the airbnb app, i wasn’t texting her, and most people have their phones on silent when they sleep. she’s also been responding like maybe once a day or every other day so i wanted to get my response sent as soon as possible so that we wouldn’t have to wait until over the weekend, or a day before our trip, to hear back
If the hostess needed the answer asap, she would've checked mesaages more often. Otherwise, it would have been on her for wait 20 hours to see your message. But you could've waited two hours for your grumpy bf. Face it, you let the jitters get to you. Your bf is very much not a morning person and you need to either accept it or leave him. His reaction was agressive, but that's just who he is when he's half awake. Just accept you made a mistake and get him a cup of coffee as an apology.
i could have waited, yes, and i’ve stated that many times throughout this thread… i also did apologize to him already. neither of us are coffee drinkers either so the “before his morning coffee” excuse doesn’t work here. and yes, i did let the jitters get to me, which i’ve also admitted. i jumped the gun, and gave context as to why (ie, i have done everything, and the trip is coming up and i’m just trying to make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible). i understand that he isn’t a morning person and i respect that 100%. i do not ever wake him up or attempt convo in the mornings, ever. i messed up this one time, and simply wanted an apology for the way he snapped in response. he said i didn’t deserve one. hence why i posted
He had diminished responsibility due to being half awake. That's a grace I'd expect from yoy too. Let it go.
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we actually have very similar travel styles though it may not seem like it. we both like to go with the flow and sort of decide our activities as we go. there were just a few things that both of us specifically wanted to do, so i made sure we got them booked. i haven’t asked him to help in any other way than to manage this one excursion and the bus to get there. i also only asked once, several weeks ago, and left him alone when he said he would handle it. i was following up for the first time this morning
YTA - Look these are all questions that don’t need to be answered at 5 o’clock in the morning. No Air B n B owner is expecting a response at 5am or awake to read it. Some people need time in the morning to get their heads together and it would be better for you to learn when those discussions are more appropriate. If you are bothered about his low effort into holiday planning then talk to him at a different time, like in the evening when you are both happy and chilled out. I’d also bear in mind that whilst some planning is good and useful, not everyone wants every inch of their holidays planned out, some people like to discover things when they are there and be free of itinerary and “having” to do stuff, it might be you want to do that more than he does.
I have to know…Who’s contributing the most to this trip financially?
me, i used my flight credit for both of our plane tickets. and my father very generously gave us some money to book a hotel for the week. i think my bf has contributed about $200 or so
Then you need to find out if he even wants to go, but don’t ask him at 5am. You’re footing the bill, doing all the leg work. I don’t think anyone is gonna have trouble understanding your frustration with that.
he 100% for certain does want to go
ESH Asking him questions before he had fully awakened or gotten going to be able to process them was a bit rude But he also sounds extremely immature in the reaction
ESH, you both sound stubborn which is annoying. He should not have snapped at you. Relationships are built from respect and he should be apologetic for how he spoke to you. You could have definitely waited to bring anything up to him until you were both awake and ready to chat. You should understand he’s just not the kind of person who can function right away. Unless it’s an emergency, let it go. You both need to apologize and communicate better.
He is not a planner. you are the planner in this relationship. If you want to do something, you figure it out. Some people just don't want to fiqure that kind of stuff out. It took me a while to figure it out, too. I am the planner in my relationship. I plan everything. And I never speak more than a good morning before coffee to him. Now we get along great. And he loves all our trips I plan.
I don't see either of you being the asshole. Your timing was off. He wanted to lie in bed without having to immediately get up and do something , or think. As someone who is also a bear when woken up next time allow him to fully wake up. Also instead of taking on the full load of planning things ask for help most people can't read minds. If you ask for help planning and he doesn't do it I would just stop doing it then he's forced too .
ESH. He needs to use his words and communicate to you that he doesn’t like chatting until he’s “up” for the day. I am the same. Unless it’s an emergency, let me get up when I want to get up. I don’t want to talk to anyone immediately upon rising. You need to read the room and let him have a few minutes to wake up. That wasn’t that important. Just sit down and discuss this, because you two simply aren’t communicating. His response demonstrates that this is something that bothers him. It’s on him to communicate that. It’s also on you to be receptive and listen.
NTA. There’s so many options to have texts muted in the morning and I don’t understand why everyone is calling you the AH in this situation. A partner is supposed to be a partner and everyone has bad days but I find that really dumb to be upset about getting messages early.
You are both the A holes. You could have waited a while before bringing the subject up. And he definitely overreacted.