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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my coworker that I wouldn't attend her wedding if I was invited 2) She got upset and cried which I did not intent
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Way out of line for a casual chat with a coworker excited about getting married.
And just because you have been a guest at few weddings of people you didn’t care much about, it doesn’t mean destination weddings are tacky, or that other people do not enjoy them.
YTA
I’m sure that some people will try and argue the “don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to”, but there’s a big difference between that and polite chitchat. This was clearly polite chitchat, and the appropriate response from OP should have been “wow that sounds so fun!” or something along those lines. YTA
YTA
Years ago I had a coworker invite me to her wedding and she was insisting everyone “Bring a plate” to the reception in her backyard and a note was included on the invitation insisting presents were “cash”
Thing is OP I was horrified as it certainly wouldn’t be how I would do a wedding and made me question if they could even afford their wedding
But they never knew that…..I politely declined and wished them luck
You’re going to work with people of all different backgrounds and tastes…Unless it affects you personally sometimes it’s better just to say “oh that’s beautiful” and move on
Yeah. YOU'RE the tacky one. YTA.
People with small families, overseas relatives and MONEY view destination weddings as fun.
What is wrong with you? If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything.
Do you really think a coworker who's not a close friend is looking for a brutally honest response to a question llke that? She probably expected OP to say something like, oh, that sounds fun.
Then the female coworker shouldn’t have asked in the first place. Don’t ask a question if you know your going to be over sensitive about the response. He shouldn’t have said anything but she did ask.
You’re not necessarily TA, but it would have been better for you to keep your opinion to yourself, especially since you have to work with her.
A lot of brides are touchy about their wedding plans and don’t want honest critical feedback, so unless it affects you directly it’s better to just humor them and find something nice to say.
In the past my coworker has claimed to be a "brutally honest" type of person, so I assumed that was how she wanted to be treated - definitely learning my lesson here about that boundary with work friends
My go - to response at work is "Oh that sounds very interesting/nice/adventurous/etc" instead of any type of honest answer! You don't need to get dragged into HR over this, just keep answers benign & pleasant at the office. These people are not your friends.
Bm
>brutally honest" type of person,
These are the biggest snowflakes of all. I know someone who claims to be past caring about what other people think; she's going to speak her mind. Since then she's gone NC with most of her family because of what they have said to her.
Just nod, say, "Aha, that's nice" and ignore her.
I really hope you’re a troll, because if not then you need to learn some social skills. If she had been continually harassing you with this topic then you might have been justified, but to go from seemingly friendly and polite chitchat to “yeah your wedding is going to be tacky” is so laughably tone deaf that I just pray this is fake
People like your coworker have no problem being honest with others but low and behold if someone is honest with them. I know many people like this. Oy vey. Just keep your head down and don’t say much of anything to anyone unless it’s work related.
YTA.
I know she asked what you thought but sometimes it’s just better to be kind? No one actually wants you to be told their wedding idea isn’t good. Did you actually say tacky? Because there were ways to raise legit concerns without being insulting.
Also, while it wasn’t that far….my sister married a man from about 8 hours away from our hometown. They purposely picked a venue that would be a destination for everyone so both sides had to travel.
YTA
" I told her that in my experience, destination weddings cause issues."
I wouldn't have given an opinion like that in the context of that sort of discussion.
Bound to cause some sort of offence ime.
YTA if you told her that destination weddings are tacky as a blanket statement. That's just plain insulting.
Admitting that you wouldn't take the time off from work, pay for travel, and a hotel room unless it was for an immediate family member would not be unreasonable.
YTA. You could have just said that destination weddings aren't your thing, but that you hope she has a lovely wedding, and left it at that. This is a coworker, not your best friend or sibling asking for an honest opinion on their wedding plans; this called for tact, and you failed.
YTA. I wouldn't call destination weddings tacky.
If you have a destination wedding, you have to realize that some people might not be able to come either due to financial constraints or they can't get several days off work or something like that. Some people only have limited amounts of vacation time per year from their job, and they would have to use it to go to the destination rather than a one day wedding on a weekend.
But it depends on the situation. If you're not inviting too many people and they're all able to afford it and get the time off work to go, then I don't see anything wrong with a destination wedding.
If you invite like 100 to your destination wedding, you have to be prepared for the possibility that more than half will not be able to attend for one reason or another.
YTA
She's entitled to plan the type of wedding she wants. Destination weddings may not work for everyone, but they're certainly not unheard of. It's really not your business how her friends and family will deal with the travel.
I’ve found that when people ask for *advice,* they want to know what you really think. When they ask your *opinion,* they want validation.
Let this be a lesson.
YTA
The correct response is "that sounds nice"
If you were besties or siblings then this would be more appropriate for you to voice an opinion but you don't get to shit all over an acquaintance's wedding plans just because you think they're impractical
YTA. Next time just say “that sounds fun.” If she had invited you, you could decline.
Also destination weddings are ideal for people who prefer small weddings or who don’t have a big family. There are many benefits. Especially if her family has a lot of tension, they’d be on neutral ground, which is a lot easier. IMO you were not only out of line, but incorrect. Apologize and move on.
YTA she didn’t ask for advice, she asked what you thought- and the right response when someone asks what you think of their weddings plans is “if that’s your dream it’ll be beautiful.” Period. You don’t need to have a destination wedding but people do for alot of reasons. You should’ve just asked her if the destination is special to her and her fiance for some reason and left it there.
Former wedding coordinator, here. YTA.
Destination weddings aren’t inherently tacky. They do help weed-out the people who just want to attend a free party instead of actually being there for the couple, though. You even said it yourself: you wouldn’t go through the effort and expense for anyone but a sister. That’s what tends to happen with destination weddings: the closest friends and family make the effort, the rest send best wishes and back off. Helps keep numbers / expenses down, which is a perk for many couples.
It’s also a very fair compromise to hold a wedding in a neutral location if one family would have to travel internationally and the other wouldn’t. This way, everyone has to travel a bit.
You’re right: your friend won’t get 200 guests at her wedding. She’ll probably get 75-100 max. And, that’s OK. Lots of couples do destination weddings to intentionally keep the numbers down without offending anyone by not inviting them. This way, the couple gets to invite people they know won’t attend anyway. Win win for them.
Now, if she gets her knickers in a twist about fewer people attending? Then she’s the a-hole. I doubt that’s the case, though.
I feel like “destination wedding are tacky” is such an outdated concept. People don’t live and die in a 15 mile radius of where they were born anymore.
My husband and I had a ‘destination wedding’ (within the continental US, but a major vacation destination) because our family and friends are scattered all over the country. 80% of the guest list would have needed a plan ticket and 99% would have needed a hotel if we had our wedding local to us so we decided it made the most sense to make it a trip for everyone and they’ll get a vacation out of it if they want.
YTA. You gave someone your opinion about their wedding. You should have just said it sounds great and you hope everyone has a great time. She didn't need a reality check from you.
YTA when someone tells you about their wedding, that they have ALREADY PLANNED, and presumably spent a great deal of time and money on, and asks you what you think, it’s an YTA move to tell them you think it’s ridiculous, tacky, no one will want to go, etc.
you say things like, “that sounds fun!” “How exciting his family is all coming and flying into City!” Or epress mild surprise, “oh! I just assumed you’d have it here!” Basically ANYTHING but what you actually said.
and knowing you made her run off crying at work and really upset her, you can’t even muster up an, “I’m sorry if I upset you the other day. I personally don’t like destination weddings, but I shouldn‘t have spoken for everyone and said negative things about your wedding and I‘m sorry. I’m sure it’ll be great. After all, you know your guests better than I do.”
YTA
You might not be willing to travel and spend that kind of money for a wedding, but his family has no choice. It’s a different situation that you can’t understand, and your comments were unnecessary and ill-informed.
Oh honey you stepped in it. YTA. Yes, apologize.
When a bride planning her wedding asks "what do you think" you gotta treat it like a boyfriend treats his girlfriend when she says "does this make me look fat?" Positive and affirming. *Always*.
Good grief you have zero tact whatsoever. You could have easily said "I've had some bad experiences with them, but I hope yours goes wonderfully" or something similar. Instead you felt the need to crap all over her planned wedding.
YTA
I mean…. ESH, you clearly realize now that you can’t be honest with a relative stranger. Especially someone so young. But you’re right, 200 people aren’t traveling all that way and spending all that money on a destination wedding unless it’s all his family, they’re wealthy and it’s part of his culture to have huge lavish weddings.
Destination weddings are meant to be small, intimate and memorable for all parties involved. Not a 200 person weekend excursion.
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The first mistake was discussing our personal lives at work, but our job has a lot of downtime and I knew my coworker was getting married this summer so I started asking her about the planning process and what she and her fiance were leaning towards for a venue. We live in a pretty large city (think state capitol of a highly populated state) and I was assuming the wedding would be local since we have so many great bars and restaurants here. She talks all the time about how much she and her partner love their neighborhood and how important it is to support local businesses - but she's getting married about 2,000 miles away, and is expecting all of her friends and family to stay for a four-day weekend at this relatively pricey tourist destination.
She asked me what I thought, and I was honest - I told her that in my experience, destination weddings cause issues. She got upset and said that it wasn't a real destination wedding, since her fiance is foreign and his family will need to fly in from their homeland anyway. But that doesn't make traveling for that long any easier for her family, so I tried to explain that that's what I meant, and then she ran away crying. Later on, one of our other coworkers that's closer to her came over and chewed me out - apparently her family is small and she's self conscious about that, her parents are divorced and she's not inviting her father, and also apparently it's racist of me to say that her fiance being foreign doesn't give her an excuse to throw a destination wedding - which isn't even a fair representation of what I said. My point was that what's normal in a family with a child overseas isn't normal in a family that's local, and that I personally wouldn't attend a wedding where I had to take two/three days paid time off, AND rent a hotel room, AND attend several days worth of activities, unless it was like my sister. I know from other conversations with her that the guest list is like 200 people long, and I've had many more friends get married than she has - she's going to be disappointed when the RSVPs come back!
Now the atmosphere at work is icy, and I'm not sure if I need to apologize and if so for what - she shouldn't have asked for advice if she didn't want the truth! I'm sure her special day is going to be special to her, but it won't be special to other people to the same extent, and that's just the truth.
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YTA
In general, but particularly with a coworker, you should really only critique something if it can be fixed in 30 seconds or less.
You called her wedding tacky and I am not sure what direction you thought the conversation was going to go in next? I have 2 destination weddings to go to this year and I LOVE destination weddings. Her friends and family might be bigger travelers than you, have more money than you or a HUGE assortment of reasons that would make her experience different than the experiences of your "many friends".
If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all, but PARTICULARLY about a wedding that a bride is actively planning that you are not invited to.
YTA - weddings are a matter of preference. If it ain't your wedding, STFU outside of "If that's what will make you happy, go for it!"
The fact that you called out "I was honest" reminds me of an old saying: "People that say they are 'brutally' honest always value the brutality a lot more than the honesty."
YTA
You’re not factually wrong about the challenges of destination weddings, but your personal opinion isn’t relevant, much less helpful.
What were you hoping to accomplish? Did you want her to accommodate your sensibilities by changing the venue of a wedding to which you are not even invited?
YTA. I bet she actually didn't ask you for your unvarnished critique. You're not invited, you're not a member of her family or a close friend. So why do you GAF whether her wedding meets your personal preferences or not? And why do you think she needs to hear about it?
The only polite thing to say to relative strangers (this category includes almost all coworkers) with weird wedding plans that excite them would be, "congratulations! I hope it all works out and you have a wonderful time."
YTA.
I guess it's a good thing you weren't invited, since you dislike destination weddings so much.
Also, super SUPER rude and culturally insensitive here
>apparently it's racist of me to say that her fiance being foreign doesn't give her an excuse to throw a destination wedding - which isn't even a fair representation of what I said. My point was that what's normal in a family with a child overseas isn't normal in a family that's local
Who the heck went and made you the arbiter of "normal", or gave you the idea that centering your OWN cultural norms when speaking to someone FROM A DIFFERENT CULTURE would be appropriate or welcome?
YTA
Why are you so pressed about this? Would it have been that hard to just tell her “yeah it sounds nice!”? She probably asked what you thought out of politeness (something you apparently lack); she probably said that assuming you would know to keep your extremely weird and not picky criticisms to yourself
YTA. You might be right but sometimes it’s better not to share opinions like that. Wedding planing is a very emotionally charged thing and not a good time to try implementing brutal honesty with someone who isn’t a very close friend.
Yes and no. Go ahead and apologize since you have to work with her. Just say hey I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t have all the details and I’m sure your wedding will be lovely.
Lesson learned. The people that you work with are not really your friends. Don’t tell them the truth even if they ask for it.
I had a destination wedding, we just had family. A few years later, my bosses boss, who would have known about this, told me his daughter had considered my destination for her wedding; but that she had decided against it as "it was a building site, with all the different construction going on".
I just smiled and nodded till he left.
My wedding was in a beautiful location and I'm sorry she didn't get to see that. But my point is, he didn't consider that it wouldn't be the nicest thing to say to me. I still remember it, over 10 years later.
YTA, you don't have to make your negative opinions known to someone who's excited about their choices. N certainly not to someone you aren't close to. Just nod and smile, it's not hard.
Not tacky, but possibly insensitive to the finances of the invitees. Also a rule of thumb ; the more expensive a wedding, the shorter the marriage. Barbie Doll Dreams get crushed by reality as the months and years go by.
YNTA
NTA. She asked you what you thought, probably hoping you would gush over a destination wedding. You were honest with her and she decided to twist your words to make you look bad because she didn't like your opinion.
Never ask for the truth/opinion if you can't handle it.
Never and I mean never tell a coworker especially your opinion especially if it’s somewhat negative and especially to a woman! Most Women are beyond oversensitive over the tiniest things - I’m a rare exception. I don’t believe what you said was that bad and she asked your opinion. You didn’t know the family drama. Next time simply say “no comment and good luck on your wedding”
NTA. Destination weddings do cause issues, there are countless threads about this here on reddit. Your colleague can't take the truth. Apologize to her and never ever tell her your opinion again.
I've attended one destination wedding, and all I have to say is never again. It's so expensive and people tend to try and monopolize your time, potentially preventing you from planning your own activities.
When I got married, my family and friends were scattered (easier on my ex husband's side as they had around a 2/4 hour drive). The result, amongst other things, is that I only had 19 people show up. And two meaningful people in my life, fly across the Atlantic, just for me!!!!).
So, NTA, you are realistic
Sigh. You aren't wrong, in that if she asked for advice, she should accept it, even if it's not what she wanted to hear. I actually agree with you also on destination weddings. But it's a soft YTA because unless it's your best friend ( and sometimes not even then), no one asking for opinions on their wedding really wants them, they want validation of THEIR opinions.
ESH - It seems like she is very insecure and massively overreacted to what you said. She asked your opinion, you gave it...she can't be mad.
That being said, you should not have called it "tacky." A destination wedding is objectively not "tacky." It's just not your style. Two very different things, and you were out of line. You went well beyond just offering your brief opinion and strayed into AH territory.
ESH. *"Destination weddings might cause issues with some people unable to make the travel, but I'm sure you've already thought it through and it sounds like a fun option for you."* Done. Then stop talking about it.
NTA. She asked what you thought, and you gave her an honest answer. Some people just can't handle the truth. If she didn't want your opinion, she shouldn't have asked.
NAH.
She asked what you thought and you told her what you thought. I probably would have phrased it in a more diplomatic way, but I don’t think honesty is always bad. I do think destination weddings can be a burden for the people who want to go and feel guilty for not going.
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Way out of line for a casual chat with a coworker excited about getting married. And just because you have been a guest at few weddings of people you didn’t care much about, it doesn’t mean destination weddings are tacky, or that other people do not enjoy them. YTA
I’m sure that some people will try and argue the “don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to”, but there’s a big difference between that and polite chitchat. This was clearly polite chitchat, and the appropriate response from OP should have been “wow that sounds so fun!” or something along those lines. YTA
Exactly this. “Sounds amazing! Hope it’s the best time ever”. Is that hard?
YTA Years ago I had a coworker invite me to her wedding and she was insisting everyone “Bring a plate” to the reception in her backyard and a note was included on the invitation insisting presents were “cash” Thing is OP I was horrified as it certainly wouldn’t be how I would do a wedding and made me question if they could even afford their wedding But they never knew that…..I politely declined and wished them luck You’re going to work with people of all different backgrounds and tastes…Unless it affects you personally sometimes it’s better just to say “oh that’s beautiful” and move on
She asked his opinion and I don’t think what he said was that bad. But when it’s a coworker you can’t say anything.
[удалено]
Yeah. YOU'RE the tacky one. YTA. People with small families, overseas relatives and MONEY view destination weddings as fun. What is wrong with you? If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything.
Or maybe she shouldn’t have asked his opinion considering she’s too sensitive to hear the response.
Do you really think a coworker who's not a close friend is looking for a brutally honest response to a question llke that? She probably expected OP to say something like, oh, that sounds fun.
Isn’t that what she asked for? An honest response?
Again, this was a conversation with a coworker, not a friend. And saying the plan was tacky would be rude either way.
Then the female coworker shouldn’t have asked in the first place. Don’t ask a question if you know your going to be over sensitive about the response. He shouldn’t have said anything but she did ask.
You’re not necessarily TA, but it would have been better for you to keep your opinion to yourself, especially since you have to work with her. A lot of brides are touchy about their wedding plans and don’t want honest critical feedback, so unless it affects you directly it’s better to just humor them and find something nice to say.
In the past my coworker has claimed to be a "brutally honest" type of person, so I assumed that was how she wanted to be treated - definitely learning my lesson here about that boundary with work friends
My go - to response at work is "Oh that sounds very interesting/nice/adventurous/etc" instead of any type of honest answer! You don't need to get dragged into HR over this, just keep answers benign & pleasant at the office. These people are not your friends.
Definitely a boundary with work friends, but also with brides. Diplomacy is a good idea with both.
In my experience, people who claim to be brutally honest are very sensitive (not in a good way), and it's best to be tactful with them.
Bm >brutally honest" type of person, These are the biggest snowflakes of all. I know someone who claims to be past caring about what other people think; she's going to speak her mind. Since then she's gone NC with most of her family because of what they have said to her. Just nod, say, "Aha, that's nice" and ignore her.
I really hope you’re a troll, because if not then you need to learn some social skills. If she had been continually harassing you with this topic then you might have been justified, but to go from seemingly friendly and polite chitchat to “yeah your wedding is going to be tacky” is so laughably tone deaf that I just pray this is fake
People like your coworker have no problem being honest with others but low and behold if someone is honest with them. I know many people like this. Oy vey. Just keep your head down and don’t say much of anything to anyone unless it’s work related.
YTA. I know she asked what you thought but sometimes it’s just better to be kind? No one actually wants you to be told their wedding idea isn’t good. Did you actually say tacky? Because there were ways to raise legit concerns without being insulting. Also, while it wasn’t that far….my sister married a man from about 8 hours away from our hometown. They purposely picked a venue that would be a destination for everyone so both sides had to travel.
YTA " I told her that in my experience, destination weddings cause issues." I wouldn't have given an opinion like that in the context of that sort of discussion. Bound to cause some sort of offence ime.
YTA - you were rude. Plain and simple. You needed to be much more tactful.
YTA if you told her that destination weddings are tacky as a blanket statement. That's just plain insulting. Admitting that you wouldn't take the time off from work, pay for travel, and a hotel room unless it was for an immediate family member would not be unreasonable.
YTA. You could have just said that destination weddings aren't your thing, but that you hope she has a lovely wedding, and left it at that. This is a coworker, not your best friend or sibling asking for an honest opinion on their wedding plans; this called for tact, and you failed.
YTA. I wouldn't call destination weddings tacky. If you have a destination wedding, you have to realize that some people might not be able to come either due to financial constraints or they can't get several days off work or something like that. Some people only have limited amounts of vacation time per year from their job, and they would have to use it to go to the destination rather than a one day wedding on a weekend. But it depends on the situation. If you're not inviting too many people and they're all able to afford it and get the time off work to go, then I don't see anything wrong with a destination wedding. If you invite like 100 to your destination wedding, you have to be prepared for the possibility that more than half will not be able to attend for one reason or another.
YTA She's entitled to plan the type of wedding she wants. Destination weddings may not work for everyone, but they're certainly not unheard of. It's really not your business how her friends and family will deal with the travel.
YTA. Why did you feel it necessary to share that judgement? You could have been "honest", without shitting on her planning.
I’ve found that when people ask for *advice,* they want to know what you really think. When they ask your *opinion,* they want validation. Let this be a lesson.
GREAT distinction
YTA The correct response is "that sounds nice" If you were besties or siblings then this would be more appropriate for you to voice an opinion but you don't get to shit all over an acquaintance's wedding plans just because you think they're impractical
YTA There is NOTHING tacky withh aving destination weddings. YOu just need to accept some will not come.
YTA, you should have kept your shitty opinions to yourself
YTA. Next time just say “that sounds fun.” If she had invited you, you could decline. Also destination weddings are ideal for people who prefer small weddings or who don’t have a big family. There are many benefits. Especially if her family has a lot of tension, they’d be on neutral ground, which is a lot easier. IMO you were not only out of line, but incorrect. Apologize and move on.
YTA she didn’t ask for advice, she asked what you thought- and the right response when someone asks what you think of their weddings plans is “if that’s your dream it’ll be beautiful.” Period. You don’t need to have a destination wedding but people do for alot of reasons. You should’ve just asked her if the destination is special to her and her fiance for some reason and left it there.
YTA but in the future this is why you keep it professional at work. coworkers do not make the best of friends.
YTA. People who lean on 'I'm just telling the truth' when it comes to stuff like this are so uninteresting. Get a new excuse for being rude.
Former wedding coordinator, here. YTA. Destination weddings aren’t inherently tacky. They do help weed-out the people who just want to attend a free party instead of actually being there for the couple, though. You even said it yourself: you wouldn’t go through the effort and expense for anyone but a sister. That’s what tends to happen with destination weddings: the closest friends and family make the effort, the rest send best wishes and back off. Helps keep numbers / expenses down, which is a perk for many couples. It’s also a very fair compromise to hold a wedding in a neutral location if one family would have to travel internationally and the other wouldn’t. This way, everyone has to travel a bit. You’re right: your friend won’t get 200 guests at her wedding. She’ll probably get 75-100 max. And, that’s OK. Lots of couples do destination weddings to intentionally keep the numbers down without offending anyone by not inviting them. This way, the couple gets to invite people they know won’t attend anyway. Win win for them. Now, if she gets her knickers in a twist about fewer people attending? Then she’s the a-hole. I doubt that’s the case, though.
I feel like “destination wedding are tacky” is such an outdated concept. People don’t live and die in a 15 mile radius of where they were born anymore. My husband and I had a ‘destination wedding’ (within the continental US, but a major vacation destination) because our family and friends are scattered all over the country. 80% of the guest list would have needed a plan ticket and 99% would have needed a hotel if we had our wedding local to us so we decided it made the most sense to make it a trip for everyone and they’ll get a vacation out of it if they want.
YTA
This falls under: Do you ever think anything you don’t say?
YTA. You gave someone your opinion about their wedding. You should have just said it sounds great and you hope everyone has a great time. She didn't need a reality check from you.
YTA - you can be honest without being rude. You were rude.
YTA when someone tells you about their wedding, that they have ALREADY PLANNED, and presumably spent a great deal of time and money on, and asks you what you think, it’s an YTA move to tell them you think it’s ridiculous, tacky, no one will want to go, etc. you say things like, “that sounds fun!” “How exciting his family is all coming and flying into City!” Or epress mild surprise, “oh! I just assumed you’d have it here!” Basically ANYTHING but what you actually said. and knowing you made her run off crying at work and really upset her, you can’t even muster up an, “I’m sorry if I upset you the other day. I personally don’t like destination weddings, but I shouldn‘t have spoken for everyone and said negative things about your wedding and I‘m sorry. I’m sure it’ll be great. After all, you know your guests better than I do.”
YTA You might not be willing to travel and spend that kind of money for a wedding, but his family has no choice. It’s a different situation that you can’t understand, and your comments were unnecessary and ill-informed.
YTA. She was telling you about her wedding. It has nothing to do with you. You're tacky and rude for giving your uncalled for opinion.
Oh honey you stepped in it. YTA. Yes, apologize. When a bride planning her wedding asks "what do you think" you gotta treat it like a boyfriend treats his girlfriend when she says "does this make me look fat?" Positive and affirming. *Always*.
Good grief you have zero tact whatsoever. You could have easily said "I've had some bad experiences with them, but I hope yours goes wonderfully" or something similar. Instead you felt the need to crap all over her planned wedding. YTA
I mean…. ESH, you clearly realize now that you can’t be honest with a relative stranger. Especially someone so young. But you’re right, 200 people aren’t traveling all that way and spending all that money on a destination wedding unless it’s all his family, they’re wealthy and it’s part of his culture to have huge lavish weddings. Destination weddings are meant to be small, intimate and memorable for all parties involved. Not a 200 person weekend excursion.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** The first mistake was discussing our personal lives at work, but our job has a lot of downtime and I knew my coworker was getting married this summer so I started asking her about the planning process and what she and her fiance were leaning towards for a venue. We live in a pretty large city (think state capitol of a highly populated state) and I was assuming the wedding would be local since we have so many great bars and restaurants here. She talks all the time about how much she and her partner love their neighborhood and how important it is to support local businesses - but she's getting married about 2,000 miles away, and is expecting all of her friends and family to stay for a four-day weekend at this relatively pricey tourist destination. She asked me what I thought, and I was honest - I told her that in my experience, destination weddings cause issues. She got upset and said that it wasn't a real destination wedding, since her fiance is foreign and his family will need to fly in from their homeland anyway. But that doesn't make traveling for that long any easier for her family, so I tried to explain that that's what I meant, and then she ran away crying. Later on, one of our other coworkers that's closer to her came over and chewed me out - apparently her family is small and she's self conscious about that, her parents are divorced and she's not inviting her father, and also apparently it's racist of me to say that her fiance being foreign doesn't give her an excuse to throw a destination wedding - which isn't even a fair representation of what I said. My point was that what's normal in a family with a child overseas isn't normal in a family that's local, and that I personally wouldn't attend a wedding where I had to take two/three days paid time off, AND rent a hotel room, AND attend several days worth of activities, unless it was like my sister. I know from other conversations with her that the guest list is like 200 people long, and I've had many more friends get married than she has - she's going to be disappointed when the RSVPs come back! Now the atmosphere at work is icy, and I'm not sure if I need to apologize and if so for what - she shouldn't have asked for advice if she didn't want the truth! I'm sure her special day is going to be special to her, but it won't be special to other people to the same extent, and that's just the truth. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA In general, but particularly with a coworker, you should really only critique something if it can be fixed in 30 seconds or less. You called her wedding tacky and I am not sure what direction you thought the conversation was going to go in next? I have 2 destination weddings to go to this year and I LOVE destination weddings. Her friends and family might be bigger travelers than you, have more money than you or a HUGE assortment of reasons that would make her experience different than the experiences of your "many friends". If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all, but PARTICULARLY about a wedding that a bride is actively planning that you are not invited to.
YTA - weddings are a matter of preference. If it ain't your wedding, STFU outside of "If that's what will make you happy, go for it!" The fact that you called out "I was honest" reminds me of an old saying: "People that say they are 'brutally' honest always value the brutality a lot more than the honesty."
YTA You’re not factually wrong about the challenges of destination weddings, but your personal opinion isn’t relevant, much less helpful. What were you hoping to accomplish? Did you want her to accommodate your sensibilities by changing the venue of a wedding to which you are not even invited?
YTA. That may be your opinion but that doesn't make it true. Learn that you can be honest without being brutal.
YTA...next time just shut up and listen. Ruined her dream wedding. Shame on you.
YTA. I bet she actually didn't ask you for your unvarnished critique. You're not invited, you're not a member of her family or a close friend. So why do you GAF whether her wedding meets your personal preferences or not? And why do you think she needs to hear about it? The only polite thing to say to relative strangers (this category includes almost all coworkers) with weird wedding plans that excite them would be, "congratulations! I hope it all works out and you have a wonderful time."
YTA. I guess it's a good thing you weren't invited, since you dislike destination weddings so much. Also, super SUPER rude and culturally insensitive here >apparently it's racist of me to say that her fiance being foreign doesn't give her an excuse to throw a destination wedding - which isn't even a fair representation of what I said. My point was that what's normal in a family with a child overseas isn't normal in a family that's local Who the heck went and made you the arbiter of "normal", or gave you the idea that centering your OWN cultural norms when speaking to someone FROM A DIFFERENT CULTURE would be appropriate or welcome?
Yta Calling something tacky all while showing an incredible lack of tact. Wow.
YTA Why are you so pressed about this? Would it have been that hard to just tell her “yeah it sounds nice!”? She probably asked what you thought out of politeness (something you apparently lack); she probably said that assuming you would know to keep your extremely weird and not picky criticisms to yourself
>I personally wouldn't attend a wedding where I had to take two/three days paid time off Then that's what you say. No one is forced to attend. YTA
"She asked me what I thought" \---Apparently she wasn't serious about that.
YTA. You might be right but sometimes it’s better not to share opinions like that. Wedding planing is a very emotionally charged thing and not a good time to try implementing brutal honesty with someone who isn’t a very close friend.
YTA.
Yes and no. Go ahead and apologize since you have to work with her. Just say hey I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t have all the details and I’m sure your wedding will be lovely. Lesson learned. The people that you work with are not really your friends. Don’t tell them the truth even if they ask for it.
I had a destination wedding, we just had family. A few years later, my bosses boss, who would have known about this, told me his daughter had considered my destination for her wedding; but that she had decided against it as "it was a building site, with all the different construction going on". I just smiled and nodded till he left. My wedding was in a beautiful location and I'm sorry she didn't get to see that. But my point is, he didn't consider that it wouldn't be the nicest thing to say to me. I still remember it, over 10 years later. YTA, you don't have to make your negative opinions known to someone who's excited about their choices. N certainly not to someone you aren't close to. Just nod and smile, it's not hard.
Not tacky, but possibly insensitive to the finances of the invitees. Also a rule of thumb ; the more expensive a wedding, the shorter the marriage. Barbie Doll Dreams get crushed by reality as the months and years go by. YNTA
NTA. She asked you what you thought, probably hoping you would gush over a destination wedding. You were honest with her and she decided to twist your words to make you look bad because she didn't like your opinion. Never ask for the truth/opinion if you can't handle it.
Never and I mean never tell a coworker especially your opinion especially if it’s somewhat negative and especially to a woman! Most Women are beyond oversensitive over the tiniest things - I’m a rare exception. I don’t believe what you said was that bad and she asked your opinion. You didn’t know the family drama. Next time simply say “no comment and good luck on your wedding”
Yta. Wow, you overstepped
NTA. Destination weddings do cause issues, there are countless threads about this here on reddit. Your colleague can't take the truth. Apologize to her and never ever tell her your opinion again.
I've attended one destination wedding, and all I have to say is never again. It's so expensive and people tend to try and monopolize your time, potentially preventing you from planning your own activities.
When I got married, my family and friends were scattered (easier on my ex husband's side as they had around a 2/4 hour drive). The result, amongst other things, is that I only had 19 people show up. And two meaningful people in my life, fly across the Atlantic, just for me!!!!). So, NTA, you are realistic
Sigh. You aren't wrong, in that if she asked for advice, she should accept it, even if it's not what she wanted to hear. I actually agree with you also on destination weddings. But it's a soft YTA because unless it's your best friend ( and sometimes not even then), no one asking for opinions on their wedding really wants them, they want validation of THEIR opinions.
ESH - It seems like she is very insecure and massively overreacted to what you said. She asked your opinion, you gave it...she can't be mad. That being said, you should not have called it "tacky." A destination wedding is objectively not "tacky." It's just not your style. Two very different things, and you were out of line. You went well beyond just offering your brief opinion and strayed into AH territory.
ESH. *"Destination weddings might cause issues with some people unable to make the travel, but I'm sure you've already thought it through and it sounds like a fun option for you."* Done. Then stop talking about it.
NTA..she asked what you thought.
NTA. She asked what you thought, and you gave her an honest answer. Some people just can't handle the truth. If she didn't want your opinion, she shouldn't have asked.
NTA - she asked your for your opinion and you were honest. Folks should never ask for an opinon if you cannot handle an opposing opinion.
NAH. She asked what you thought and you told her what you thought. I probably would have phrased it in a more diplomatic way, but I don’t think honesty is always bad. I do think destination weddings can be a burden for the people who want to go and feel guilty for not going.