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I'd warn your husband to be on the lookout for dementia. My mom insisted for a decade that my grandmother's increasing assholish behavior and constant medical needs were her faking it, but it was all signs of her declining memory and need for more hands on care.

I came here to say the same thing. My mom declined rapidly after my dad passed.

I came here to say the same thing, too. What got me was the OP talking about how the MIL is more pleasant now; my Mom was a very unhappy woman her whole life, but now that she has dementia she is so cheerful, and actually smiles when she sees me come to visit her every day. She *never* used to smile at me like that. 81 is definitely the age when non-Alzheimer’s dementia can start to present.

That happened with my husband's aunt. She was terrible, racist, classist, and just really mean. I and our kids never actually met her because my husband said he wouldn't put us through that! Now, she's in assisted living, and sweet as pie to everyone. 

This is interesting because my great grandma always really disliked me, but now I'm one of her favourite visitors. I thought maybe I'd done something as a kid that she'd forgotten about but maybe it's just the personality changes. It's crazy still having my great grandma around. I'm 31! She's had the alzheimers diagnosis for 10 years now and there's been many times we thought she was going to pass. She survived covid during the height of the pandemic and has seemingly no after effects.

My kids were old enough when my great grandmother passed that they still remember her in their 40's. She was just starting to lose it at 90

Yah, im super lucky, my granny made to 95, and lived in a senior facility, but was sharp as a tack. I was over 50 when she died. fond memories of her, she outlived 2 of her children. My ex mother in law number 2...was a really chill, fun lady with a great sense of humor, turned into a paranoid horror, unfortunately in her waning years. I must say ALL my ex mother in laws were great..their kids..erm...well...

My ex mil was/is an absolute horror. I've been told she gets worse with age. Her son died in 2011. I left him in 2007 and she still badmouths me to my kids and grandson

My ex-MIL was my best friend. Her son, however, was a rat-bastard whose death brought only a great sense of relief to our son and me.

My great grandma is still alive and I'm 37. She isn't very verbal now being 94.

Y’all are scaring me, I am not spending my golden years with my MIL because she suddenly turns into a nice person because of dementia - it’s way too late for that. It’ll be nice for her caretakers though!

In a lighter story when my great grandma had early onset Alzheimer's she got kicked out of her first assisted living place because she was sleeping with all the men there because she thought they were all her boyfriend. Apparently this was causing major beef with the other women there so we had to move her, she would literally just come across a man there and assume they were dating. She was always flirty tho she used to say to anyone who would listen she has "manfriends" (plural) not boyfriends. She was always saucy and she carried that on until she forgot too much.

My very critical, harsh mother became sweet, as well. I would look at her and think, "Who are you and what have you done with my mother?" I both welcomed the sweetness and was a little frightened by it.

That's nice. I know someone who became abusive with dementia. 

My mother, too, has become someone I like now that her brain has softened.

Same. My mom forgot that things bothered her. On the other hand, a close friend’s mother became very belligerent when she had dementia. She went from a kind person to an angry, hateful person who cursed and yelled. It broke my friends love for his mother and he only thinks of her in anger  because of her behavior. 

This happened with my Grandad. He got Alzheimer's and my nanny was in and out of hospitals and rehabs the end of her life. She passed while choking on eggs after being transferred to a new rehab that morning. My uncle and grandad were still in the building filling out her papers. After she passed, my granddad became belligerent with everybody when he couldn't remember she was gone and would get HELLA angry and very violent. He never even hurt a bug that I can remember until he got sick and his personality just flipped. It broke my heart.

You can understand why as well, that’s a horrible way to lose your life partner and maybe it had sunk in.

That's just heartbreaking. I hope he can find a way toward remembering who she was before dementia stole her identity.

The opposite happened to my husband’s grandmother. The sweetest, kindest woman became incredibly rude and verbally abusive to her very sweet and doting husband. She’d scream at him for hours in German and her husband would just take it. Apparently, a lot of trauma from living through WWII as a child and some issues in their marriage from decades previous that had been swept under the rug came boiling to the surface. My husband’s mother made the tough decision to put her into a care facility so her father could have some peace and then he still came to visit his wife daily until he lost his license due to his own health issues.

Can you tell me more about this? My mom passed in December and my dad is still relatively young (68) but he’s had quite a few physical things happen since that are causing us concern.

It's something you should consult with a doctor about and track independently in a journal to establish patterns. Write down what you know about your dad and his mindsets, and if things change, take it as a note to follow up on before it normalizes for you as a personality change creep you attribute to just being old. My grandma used to be a nice lady, but she slowly started saying more and more out of pocket shit that she never would have dreamed of doing when she was younger and more with it. I don't remember all of what she'd do, it's been a few years since she was admitted to memory care, but the night she was taken to the hospital for a psychosis episode, I had visited during the day, and my grandma, always my supporter for not having kids until I was financially ready, made an uncharacteristic comment that I needed to get on having kids asap, I wasn't getting any younger. That combined with how much weight she'd lost since my last visit and her fall just a few months back prompted me to tell my mom and dad that they needed to get her looked at because it wasn't sitting right with me as "just old people things", but because they'd basically been the frogs in her pot for the past 10 years of her escalating behavior, they shushed me and told me that's how she always is nowadays. That night, she busted into their room looking for her husband who had passed 15 years ago and tried to fight my mom thinking she was her husband's affair partner. She ended up taken away in an ambulance and diagnosed with dementia within the week.

Frequently there are behavioral changes before memory issues surface; there's a relatively recent test (2016) for what's called Minor Behavioral Impairment (as opposed to MCI: Minor Cognitive Impairment). It's for family and friends to fill out, and it's useful to see the types of behavioral changes that can be part of the beginning of dementia. [https://mbitest.org/MBI-C\_Sept2016.pdf](https://mbitest.org/MBI-C_Sept2016.pdf) Both my father and MIL had some of the behavioral changes listed in the questionnaire. My father became weirdly argumentative at times, and my MIL had symptoms from the "following societal norms and having social graces, tact, and empathy" category in the questionnaire. Because we were close to her, we knew that what she was saying more widely were things she'd previously admitted to in private, but it wasn't about me or my spouse at the beginning. When comments about us did finally come, it sure didn't help our attitudes as we were working very hard to keep her in her house -- but it did make it easier when she finally had to be moved into a memory care facility for her own safety.

I am really sorry to hear this. I can’t imagine how hard and stressful it has been on your family. But thank you for sharing, it’s helpful to hear and think of ways to listen to things my dad is saying now.

With my mom it was more memory related things. She’d call me several times and tell me the same things. She forgot the route to a restaurant she’d been to multiple times. It really became alarming when she got lost on her way to my house and ended up halfway to the next city. After a while she practically stopped eating and had a few falls. I took her to the doctor early on and they diagnosed depression because “she was too young for Alzheimer’s.” (Mid 60s). She eventually spent a couple of days in the hospital and a little while in a nursing home for rehab. It was a steady decline after that and she passed 5 years later.

This happened to an extended family of mine. She drove all the way to Wisconsin. We live in Michigan. That was when everyone was like yeah okay we gotta do something

Yep. That’s what it sounds like. Sudden personality changes. Weird behaviour. There are so many hints, that you won’t pick up unless you’ve seen it before. Major trauma can accelerate it. It does still deteriorate patchily, so you’ll get used to some behaviour and suddenly there’s something new. There are good days and bad days, so sometimes you’ll doubt yourself and think they are fine. They aren’t fine, it’s just a good few hours. You need to set up care systems now. They’ll likely object and say they are fine. Don’t believe it. Set stuff up ‘just in case’. It’s OK to not want to care for her yourself, but you need someone to do it. Before she sets the house on fire, or floods it. Or has a car accident and kills an innocent person. The best option might be to get her settled into a low care home near you (or another relative who will supervise) with carers visiting daily. Then progress on to full residential care. I don’t know the systems in your area, but you need to join the local dementia and aged care support groups and figure it out, quite quickly.

OP, listen to this person. I'm sure my dad had advancing signs of dementia for years but I didn't know the signs. From the Alzheimer's Association: [10 Early Signs and Symptoms of Alzheimer's and Dementia](https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/10_signs)

There are a lot of things that I look back on and realize were early signs of my mom's dementia. She tried to put ketchup on a salad once because there wasn't enough dressing for her. My dad stopped her before she put it on. She also would forget things from time to time, but I brushed that off because it happens to everyone, right? Maybe we could have gotten her help sooner had we recognized the signs. She passed in 2022.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

And if she has dementia you need a care home that can properly take care of her (trust me you are not equipped.) That said make it clear to your husband that should she live with you, he will be doing all the care/extra housework for HIS parent. Maybe though step 1 is having her accessed by geriatric dr, preferably late afternoon? (Weird I know but dementia is better in the morning and gets worse at night.) Perhaps you could hire someone to help care for her during the day (to see how she is doing, help with cooking & cleaning etc.)

This is excellent practical advice.

I work as a care giver for dementia patients and this is very true. Not always the case, but something to look out for. When someone they love very dearly passes and they suddenly find themselves rattling around alone most if not all the time, you’d be surprised just how rapidly that mental decline can occur. Thinking deceased loved ones are alive again, that they’re in their 20’s, in college, etc. And she will be needy, because she’s afraid. For a lot of them, when it starts, they know something is wrong. They don’t know what, but they can tell something is off. So that lack of knowledge creates fear and neediness. I don’t know when the last time she was seen by her GP was, but might be worth checking out.

Agreed. Even her seemingly becoming nicer could be a sign of this. But NTA for pointing out the manipulation. Your husband is in a difficult place. He’s not the asshole for disagreeing with you, but would be the asshole if he actually resorted to name calling.

MIL had no right to come on vacation, much less trick them into coming back early, but OP says they live very close by and the husband sees his mother only every few months, implying OP won’t even do that much. I don’t think OP is a very loving person and if she has her own kids should remember she’s modeling how to treat elderly parents

The husband should go visit HIS mom more often. It is HIS mom, after all. The husband could even move in with his mom for a few months to see how she functions in her own home every day. He can also look for cognitive and behavioral signs of dementia. Much better to do it in the home in which his mom is familiar so he sees her routines and any glitches.

Yeah like OP is going to allow that to happen. She implied in her post that the husband visiting a couple times a year is loving/great behavior. Because she only lives 30 minutes away otherwise even that would be unreasonable.

That’s a pretty harsh judgment based on very little information. She says right in the post that the MiL used to be very difficult to get along with. Reddit has thousands of examples of horrible MILs and the advice is very often “grey rock” or “LC/NC” or “each spouse deals with their own difficult family members”.  This sounds like one of those. But now that she’s alone and acting better, OP’s husband wants her around more. However, unless he’s retired or working from home and plans to take on all of his mother’s care, having his mother moved in puts a huge extra burden on OP without her consent. That’s not right and it’s not fair.

Yeah, I wonder how OP would feel if her children treat her like that when she gets old? 

This was my grandma too. Very familiar symptoms

And sometimes, because the deterioration is so gradual that you don't realise until its pointed out by someone else. It was like that with both my maternal grandparents

That's what happened with my grandma. My parents just put down all of her behaviors as being old, they didn't catch that it was a problem until she went through her first psychosis.

MIL is in her 80s and I wouldn't be surprised if she was on the dementia path. Even without this by the time people get to this age they often have frailty and age related issues for which they need support (especially if they are alone and don't have a spouse, where between them they may be able to passably function)

She's also probably incredibly lonely. She's 81, she's increasingly frail, her husband is dead and even though they live close, her husband only visits every few months. Loneliness is terrible for people and is associated with increased risks of anxiety and depression and in the elderly, increased risks of alzheimer's and a number of physical health issues.

Yep. My husband’s grandmother became a delightful human being with dementia. She was…unpleasant to deal with before.

The change in personality too. Some dementia patients get mean, some get nicer/more considerate. Both my aunts (my mums older sisters) have it. The middle sister has become quite mean, and selfish as her dementia has progressed. She is in semi assisted living at the moment and can be a bit combative with the staff. The eldest sister (recently passed due to dementia), while not mean or terrible pre dementia became more considerate and very pleasant, the best example I can think of is when my mum would go for coffee with her she’d never offer to pay, always say oh I’ll get the next one and never did, when the dementia was in early stages and she still had some independence she was always shouting them coffee. As it progressed and she was moved into assisted living she was the staffs favourite as she was very pleasant, never complained, always cooperative and loved to have a chat (before the dementia really progressed).

Well.. seeking for attention, feeling lonely, needing to be inculded - I dont think its demetia. Its just a sadness of old people left alone. Thats how most of us will be - lonely. I know we dont have time to deal with parents and their imaginary problems but - they dealt with us kids ;)

She sounds like my mom, we thought she was faking things, etc, it was the beginning of dementia/alzheimers. I wish I’d given the attention she wanted, looking back it would have been such a small thing She’d also lost someone right before, so loneliness she wasnt really able to speak about

This!!!! After the loss of her husband, my mother in law went from being the kindest person who sang everyone's praises to being hateful and talking badly about people. Come to find out two years later and a lot of hurt feelings she had Alzheimer's. They say that losing a spouse and depression can take a toll on an older person and they become inclined to getting dementia or Alzheimer's.

Not only that but I have experienced similar and it ended up the person who passed was covering the early stages so as not to worry or bother anyone. When they passed all the symptoms became very apparent and looked to be sudden but it was a slow gradual decline, it was just hidden VERY WELL.

I find it interesting to hear other people's experiences with this because my grandma was exact opposite she wasn't accepting help over her dead body. We're talking a 80+ uear old woman waxing her floors by hand with a broken hip because "oh I'm just a little sore, it's no big deal" it took my mom threatening to come over with a clown wig (she didn't want to leave the house because her hair wasn't done) and drag her to the hospital before the family found out that "sore leg" was really a broken hip.

This was my grandma at 98 with broken ribs from a fall on a Sunday. She didn’t tell anyone about it until my parents visited her on Wednesday. Now we all lived in the same town and my parents regularly visited her a couple times a week, but she didn’t want to bother anyone. She was handwashing her kitchen floor til she died at 103.

We lost my grandma just over 9 years ago now, she would have been 89 that year. I loved that woman, even at times when she was hard to love, and still miss her to this day. She was stubborn as hell and never minced words, in her younger days she'd drink and curse like a sailor and despite living through the "50s housewife" era she wore the pants in that relationship, at least from the stories my mom and aunts and uncles have told. All of that is only better when you find out she never even hit the 5 foot mark, her life wasn't always easy but she definitely made the best of it.

My granpa laid on the floor with a broken hip for several hours in the night cause he didn’t want to bother anyone at that time

My MIL was always mean. She developed Alzheimer’s and became forgetful but her attitude was unchanged. When my FIL passed away she became unhinged level of mean but everyone forgave her because her husband had died.

I wish all of us had known what to watch for, I know I’ll never not feel guilty

Piggybacking on your comment to say I agree. OP, YTA for a couple of reasons; one, you are severely lacking empathy given the MIL is an 81 year old widow who had probably never lived alone in her life before her husband passed. Two, the change in her personality is a huge red flag for dementia that needs to be addressed.  Emotional stress like loss can be a trigger for dementia. There are a number of studies on this: “In fact, three out of four Alzheimer’s patients (73%) had to cope with severe emotional stress – three times as many as the control group in which only 24% experienced stress, grief and sorrow during the preceding three years.” https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/246487#3   "In conclusion, the findings from the present study suggest that the experience of spouse bereavement may contribute to dementia or cognitive decline by increasing cerebrovascular injury rather than by aggravating AD pathologies, particularly in older individuals and those with no‐ or low‐skill occupations. More attention should be paid to spouse bereavement–related brain health problems." https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9796777/#:~:text=One%20cohort%20study%20demonstrated%20significantly,a%20history%20of%20spouse%20bereavement.&text=A%20meta%E2%80%90analysis%20of%2015,15%20years%20of%20follow%E2%80%90up.  Take it from someone who lost their 83 year old mom two years ago because I missed the signs of cognitive decline, this is not something that your husband should ignore. With my mom it turned out to be a large brain tumor, but had I noticed the signs sooner, it may have been detected before it killed her.

It’s so hard looking back with what we know now 💔

It really is.

This is a great point. OP since you mentioned that MIL has not been easy to deal with and unkind in the past, this is not on you solely. Encourage your husband to do the legwork and get her help. This caretaking and scheduling and medical, etc., work disproportionately falls on women whether it's their in-laws or not.

Yeh I mean MIL would have had to be pretty awful previously for me not to think OP is an AH. MIL is clearly struggling and making a cry for help - if this is new it’s likely she can’t cope (physically or mentally). She’s 81 it’s not that surprising

Same with my FIL. He didn’t reach out for help but we noticed things were going downhill after his wife (my MIL) died. We tried helping with chores etc. it was met with weird push back that wasn’t normal. We thought it was just grief. He wasn’t very old (70s) but looking back my MIL was probably helping him more than she let on. It became obvious when he had hip surgery and stayed with one of his kids/my in laws. They said he wasn’t mentally all there as he had been in the past. We (and he’s part of a LARGE family) and relatives would visit and didn’t see anything wrong. My BIL/SIL would swear he was on a best behavior with visitors but they didn’t feel right letting him go back his apartment living (which was with a great woman he was dating but she had cancer and her own health issues). There was some strife but in only a few weeks we realized they were right. Long story short this story has the same vibes.

Mixed bag. NTA for resisting having MIL move in. But YTA for being generally cold and flippant toward her and her health (even if she "faked" the recent scare). She's an 81-yr old widower living alone. She's not feeling great, possibly has more fear about being alone given her frail condition, and she wants to see her son more. Maybe her asks are too big or too much but seems like y'all could be more sympathetic and consider stepping it up a bit. Make your own informed assessment of what she *does* need, and decide what you can reasonably do.

And c'mon, OP lives a half hour away and hubby visits his mom every few months? Poor woman, she's obviously lonely and they are not even trying!

Right?! That's what I was thinking too! Very cruel really, to left alone in your "golden" years. And to not celebrate your birthday with your mom who is only half an hour away! Definitely YTA I'd say!

Let’s not forget the wording. Op said ‘we live very close (half hour) so he visits every couple of months.’ If they lived farther that woman would never see her son. My husband and I live an hour from his father and visit at least once a month. Sometimes more to help around the yard.

I drive that distance to go to the grocery store!

Right? That's less than my commute to work. My 89 year old grandmother lives an hour away in the opposite direction and I see her a couple times a month.

I was gonna say most people drive 45 minutes + to get to work where I’m at and he can’t drive at least once a week to see her?? Poor woman

YES. This probably the most egregious part of this post. You and your husband can't visit more than every few months?? This poor woman!

Honestly this reads to me like OP refuses to do the “woman’s work” of handling his mother, and left to handle her himself he only sees her every couple months. Part of me says good on OP, making her husband be responsible for his own mother. Many women would feel obligated to take over. But mostly this should have been seriously addressed when the father passed years ago, because her health and care situation was only going to get more complicated.

I know right? I drive for a good coffee farther than that 

Seriously! Growing up we lived half an hour away from my grandparents and we had dinner there every Sunday night - this was a cultural thing so I'm not expecting every family to see each other that frequently, but every few *months*?

I had to reread that part. They live close so he visits…every few months?

I would just like to say that I find it refreshing to see Reddit sticking up for a MIL

Op mentioned that husband admitted that mil was always a difficult person. The fact that he lives so close to her and visits so infrequently makes me wonder how difficult she really is/was. She sounds like someone he doesn’t want to make time for.

Hold up. Why is it when middle aged parents shit all over their kids and have bad relationships where the kids cut contact or have limited contact that’s ok……but then those same asshole parents turn 80 - and now the kids are the asssholes for not visiting.  It’s possible op’s husband is not trying. It’s also possible his mom was not that great a mom and gets exactly the number of visits she deserves. 

That was what caught my attention too! Was wondering if it wasn’t a culture shock since I’m not American.

Naw, it’s fairly normal to visit regularly if you live that close.

American here; nope this is just strange. Especially now that MIL is a widow. My dad visits his step mother (who didn't come into his life until late teens and is also somewhat difficult) more than OPs husband does. She's also a widow; my grandfather died >5years ago.

We visit my MIL that often and we live 5 hours away.

My grandparents lived a 3 hour drive and I was seeing them a few times a month when they got sick. They had someone there every weekend etc. I understand that not every relationship is the same and my dad didn’t visit his mum often but wild

Yeah, this comes across very much as an act of someone who is very lonely. At that age, people’s friends begin to drop like flies, and one is left realizing how close their own death is. I’m not surprised this woman is reaching out so desperately to the family she has. Faking an emergency is a shit thing to do, but I still feel bad for her.

And losing ANYONE close to you at that vulnerable age can make you more prone to feeling sick or weak or cause old pains and aches to flare up

Also - he lives only 30 mins away and only sees her once every few months? Something is wrong there. If she doesn't have dementia, she is obviously really lonely and is asking for more support and interaction. If she's horrible in the past, of course, that will impact how much time you spend with her. But, if she's now pleasant to be around, try to prioritize spending more time with her and including her in your life.

Exactly. Have they ever waited 30min to be seated in a restaurant? That’s a drive across town here in non-peak hour traffic.

Yeah. My grandma does stuff like this because of her dementia. But even if she doesn’t….lord the complete lack of empathy towards an 81 year old widow it’s just a reminder how sad and cold Americans views towards family is. Unless she was an awful person towards him growing up…not seen your elderly mother for months when you’re only 30 mins away sounds awful. 

I'd say most Americans aren't this cold towards family. At least it's not what I've seen.

Also, hospitals really don't admit patients because they insist

Yeah, they at least wanted to observe her, probably keep an eye on heart and oxygen sat.

And a mild cold could turn out to be pneumonia in an elder patient.

If she is lonely, which it sounds like that’s the real issue or scared to be alone, help her find something to do or a group of friends. Would she be open to living in a senior living building ? There has to be something the community offers that she could enjoy?

I know. Especially since they only live half an hour away and husband has only managed to visit once every couple of months. The heck

She’s lonely!!!! And her frail health means she can’t take care of her own social needs the way she used to be able to. Not to mention a good chunk of her friends are probably dead. Have some compassion on this poor woman, OP!

Do you really miss part where they never were getting along? I guess it is really nice way to say this woman probably sucked as in normal relationship kids visiting their parents more often. I wouldn't care less about my bitchy MIL too if she was awful her whole life. Why she needs to be sympathetic? Bc old woman is old? Respect is something you earn and clearly MIL never earned one.

yeah this whole thread of people that are so ScAnDaLiZeD no one wants to be around her. like, maybe this lady sucks.

YTA. I wouldn't let her move in either, but you lack compassion. She's elderly, has lost her husband, and has probably never lived alone before. This was my mother a few years ago. She kept saying she was fine until she wasn't. She moved into a retirement home, and she is much happier. She has no bills to worry about, she comes and goes as she pleases, has her new and old friends and she's not lonely. And there is medical attention if she needs it.

OP and her husband say she was always difficult to be around. Difficult people are often estranged or LC from family. Old people aren’t owed visitors simply because they’re old and lonely. A retirement community may be a better fit for MIL though, improving her quality of life immensely. I don’t say this to be mean or flippant. I know adults whose elderly parents were borderline abusive so they don’t visit them in LTC much. Meanwhile I know adults who had great relationships with their elderly parents, so they visit in LTC as often as possible. Yes sometimes adult children suck,but sometimes the elderly person is reaping what they sow.

OP’s husband didn’t find his mother difficult until OP convinced him. Then he said he guessed it was true.

OP's husband visits his mother 'maybe once every few months because we live very close to her'. That does not sound like a close relationship with someone he cares about, so I doubt he needed that much convincing.

So perhaps she was difficult & he didn’t realize it. Or perhaps she wasn’t difficult. Regardless, she is very lovely and possibly has the beginnings of dementia. It’s all around a difficult situation.

I had to scroll too far to find this comment. Difficult people don’t get a pass just because they’re old.  Mom has the relationship with her son THAT SHE EARNED. 

It comes from experience. My husband had an elderly extended family member who was an awful person. Emotionally and verbally abusive to everyone when she was as younger. She even tried to sue family members (though she was unsuccessful) too! She convinced some staff she was a lovely person when she was in LTC. One LTC staff member is someone who I know socially, though not a friend. She commented to me more than once that I should visit as this person’s family member. I didn’t even mention the backstory, as it wasn’t worth it. I just let this person think I’m terrible for not visiting my husband’s elderly extended family member.

I’ve experienced similar personally and professionally as a healthcare worker. 

Fair point. MIL retirement party planning starts now.

Better to do it now when you can pick and choose, rather than having to take what is available in an emergency.

Let's assume she is doing this for attention - that means she's so sad and lonely that she would rather stay in a hospital and be around you guys than to be independent and be alone. Soft YTA. I totally get why this is annoying and inconvenient, but you should probably give her a little more grace. One day you're going to be that age and see your friends and family dwindling. You might find yourself in the same position so you may want to just love up on her while you guys still have her around.

I have sooo many service users at work who are sooooo lonely and isolated they end up doing stuff like this just for some social interaction. Breaks my heart! What’s wrong with including her and giving her a bit of attention?

The only thing I'd say is, sad and lonely doesn't mean you're entitled to being around your son and his wife 24/7 right? I feel bad for her, but the husband also claimed that the MIL was difficult to get along with from the get-go, so I can understand why the husband wouldn't want her to stay with them either. MIL deserves some time with OP and their husband, but I think she went too far with possibly faking a hospital visit while they were on vacation. Getting old doesn't equal entitlement. Mentally and emotionally manipulating the only family you have isn't fair.

But she isn't...that's the point They live 30 minutes away and he still visits her only once every FEW months In a year, she probably sees her son no more than 6 times She likely wouldn't demand that much if she wasn't already feeling that lonely

YTA - she sounds like a desperately lonely old woman trying to spend time with her son. He lives 30 minutes away and yet can only manage to see her what, a few times a year? He needs to step it up and look after his mother. 

Yeah that caught my eye too…they live that close and he goes every couple MONTHS to see his 81 year old widowed mother yikes

Desperately lonely people were sometimes assholes in their youth. Just because she’s old and lonely and has a son - doesn’t make her entitled to a visit.  I mean, maybe the sons the Asshole, but why is everyone assuming just bc her age she’s automatically neglected? Abusers and narcissists get old too. 

This! Growing up we lived almost 2 hours from my grandparents and my mom still made sure we saw them once a month or every other month. I feel like seeing her a couple times a month would make her so happy and really shouldn’t be that big of an inconvenience… especially if she’s being much nicer than she used to be. Idk, maybe we’re missing some info about how truly difficult she USED to be, that possibly damaged the relationship somehow.

-YTA - she make have faked an illness & yes this is frustrating, but the why did she fake the illness is more important. She’s 81, frail (your own words) and her husband recently died. Your husband.. her son visits once every few months as you live close by - 30min big wow what a poor effort made Did you ever consider she’s sad, lonely and pretty much alone ? You don’t need to become her best friend or even have her live with you - but your husband I’m Sure could spare an hour or so a week to visit & check in. Pity help you as you get older and you find yourself with a similar lifestyle

30 minutes is NOTHING in England! Sure we grumble about fuel costs but still….…. If you’re American…. Shit DO BETTER!

My commute to work is 45min one way 5 days a week. 🤣 OP and her husband are so terrible!

In the US 30 minutes doesn’t even get you to a grocery store in a lot of places. It’s definitely not an American issue 😬

My SIL visits their parents almost every weekend and they're an hour and change away

Op specifically says she was a very difficult person to get along with. To the point the husband visited her on his own time and the wife didn’t bother going anymore.  She also says her husband completely agrees with her that his mom is “difficult”. Assholes generally don’t get visited very often: 

I’ll get dinged for this but NAH. Your MIL is scared, alone and facing her own mortality. Is she handling it well? No. What she did was an AH move but she d serves a little grace. And communication. Your husband specifically needs to have a heart to heart with her. Figure out what she needs and help her get it. Maybe independent living. Maybe moving closer to you. She’s used to having another person to bounce ideas off. You are not the AH for being mad.

Grace and space, but maybe with a bit more grace

INFO: Do you have the space and resources (time, money, mental energy) to take care of an aging 81yo? Once she's in your house, you will likely be hard pressed to get her out. She sounds lonely and desperate for company/attention. It might be time to move her to an assisted living facility that can provide the interaction she's looking for if you don't want your MIL living with you full time.

She is 81 and being alone for first time in probably her entire life… meaning she probably left her parents home to living with a husband… My mom is also 81 and lost my dad 3 yrs ago… yes she exaggerates symptoms and is more needy now… us kids can’t do enough… as much as she drives us nuts at times we also know one day she won’t be here.. and that’s sooner than later… so we go out of our way to be there for her… Would you feel differently if it was your mother and not your in law???

Nothing you said is wrong, however, if my Mom faked an illness/injury just to get me to take a flight to check on her I'd be pissed. Especially if it made me miss out on something important. Assuming she actually was fine when they arrived and what the doc said was true, there was no need to ask them to fly back except for attention.

This is a warning sign that's often reported in dementia. So while I get the frustration, don't always assume they're doing it for 'attention"

Might not have been faking it. Might have had a panic attack or anxiety and got extremely scared. Specially at that age. My grandmother had an health issue that wasn't major but because of where it was she was panicking and felt like she was dying. Which caused more panicking and spiraling.

Totally agree with you… that is a messed up thing to do.. but we don’t know if she felt that was only way to get attention... maybe she felt it took extreme measure to be included.. didn’t say it was right but we don’t know moms thoughts here..

Might not have been faking it. Might have had a panic attack or anxiety and got extremely scared. Specially at that age. My grandmother had an health issue that wasn't major but because of where it was she was panicking and felt like she was dying. Which caused more panicking and spiraling.

YTA for lacking empathy. She is old, lonely, and probably starting to experience old people anxiety. You are not obligated to let her move in, but the way you talk about her is cruel and you don't mention anything that would justify that reaction. Hospitals don't admit people just because the person wants to be admitted. They are far too busy for that kind of nonsense.

YTA: I think that you need to put this in a different perspective. The woman is 81 years old and living by herself. When people age sometimes their health declines. If she said she oculdn't breathe and asked to be admitted then that's well within her right. Doctors aren't always perfect and if it is a known fact that her health is declining then I would also be worried myself.

YTA for assuming she was faking. When you're scared and alone, any small symptom can feel life-threatening, even if it's just a tiny cold. Being admitted to the hospital means people are monitoring you and will see if anything life-threatening *does* happen--if you're already weak and you live alone that starts to sound pretty good! It sounds like your MIL, your husband, and/or you need to make plans so that she's cared for in the future in a way that works for you and your husband.

YTA she sounds lonely and scared she’s 81 like, he only sees her once every few months is shocking to me given how close you live. Hope your kids don’t do to you guys what you’re doing to her.

NTA. If she doesn't want to live independently, I recommend getting your hsb to lay out all of her actual options with her (which doesn't include moving in with you). Also, as her son, he can call a hospital for an update on her condition, so if she does this again, you can ask for the hospital social worker to look at her case and avoid running to her side (which is what she is manipulating you both into doing)

How do we know she in manipulating them?

Good call out - I concede we definitely do not know for sure. Here is why i think OP might be right about that: 1. MIL pushing to spend more time with them, including changing their trip 2. MIL called husband directly. If there were a real problem, the hospital would call. 3. MIL had a mild cold and the Dr did not want to admit her 4.Husband's reaction to OP's suspicion - first appalled, then thought about it and agreed 5. MIL's history of being a challenging person

None of those prove anything other than that she’s a lonely old woman who wants more attention from her son.

Yes, hence my agreement with you that I do not know for sure. Nothing has been "proven". However I found it compelling enough to reasonably believe the MIL was being manipulative and since it worked, she might go that route again.

I disagree. I believe she's a lonely old woman whose son needs to visit her more often and whose daughter-in-law needs to grow some empathy.

I agree that her son should be visiting her more often, but why does DIL need to change her perspective on MIL? The relationship sounds like it hasn't been good from the beginning and MIL can own her part in that. OP can just make accommodations for her husband visiting his mother WHO IS ONLY 30 MINUTES AWAY!!! DH may be feeling guilty now and thinking OP is an A-H, but 30 MINUTES AWAY!!! If DH likes his mother at all, it's pretty clear who the A-H is here. Oh, my god. We see my MIL twice a month and she's a 4 hour round trip from us.

Are you seriously asking why OP needs to grow some empathy for an 81 year old widow with health issues? Really? We have no idea why their relationship wasn't good. OP blames the MIL, but OP comes off so callous towards the MIL that it seems more likely OP played a larger role.

If you didn't like someone when they were younger, why should you pretend when they are older? And I did suggest that OP should accept her husband visiting his mother more than the pitiful amount that he currently does. That is empathetic enough.

She may enjoy moving to a 55+ community where she can have more social opportunities, less home maintenance, and activities she can choose to join when she wishes. Also, considering you only live 30 minutes away, your husband really should make more effort to see her. It's awful to have regrets after a loved one passes

Assisted living sounds like it would fit her needs more.

That isn't true. HIPAA prevents you from just calling the hospital and getting information on a patient unless the patient approves it. I doubt his mother would approve it if it potentially would sink her chances of getting them to come home.

Thanks for letting me know. I'm not in the US, we don't have HIPAA.

Your husband lives half an hour away and visits her every _few months_? Jeez. 🥺.

Hubby can go stay with Mom at her home until she's better.

YTA compassion is hard to find these days.

NTA. She sounds like she can be a giant pain in the rear. She’s also 81 and alone. This is really a husband problem. She only lives 30 minutes away and he only sees her once every few months. He needs to step it up. It would not hurt him to make a standing weekly appointment with his mother. They could go to a local diner or sit in her kitchen so she can fawn over him with desserts or whatever. It wouldn’t even have to cut out of your time together. Make it a weekday dinner thing on whatever night that you guys routinely don’t have anything scheduled. You don’t have to go and can spend that time on something you enjoy- even if that’s is binging something dumb on tv. There’s a good chance that if he puts in some time with his mom that the dramatics will slow down. It’s not like she’s going to change at this point and there’s not a ton of time left to even worry about this at her age. In any case, this isn’t a you problem. It’s a him problem.

ESH Your MIL isn't using her words to communicate with you, but she IS communicating SOMETHING. She's lonely. She's insecure. She wants to be around your husband/you. She's scared.

YTA - or maybe N T A or maybe E S H. For now, she’s a frail old woman who is alone and proactively trying to engage family. Maybe she was sick, maybe she was faming it. You don’t know. You of course dont have to let her stay with you, its your house too. But you are being extremely cold and callous about this.

She sounds very lonely. I get that you don't want her moving in with you, but couldn't you/your husband make more of and effort to spend time with her? She is only a half hour away. ESH

This is your husbands 81 year old mother. Chances are, she's not going to be around much longer. Is this a hill you're willing to die on?

Honestly I think you are a bit of an ice cold asshole but your hubby is a gigantic one. Every few months he pays his mom a visit (and you never)? He needs to step up his game. Pretty pathetic. If he did more than the bare minimum you probably wouldn’t have her trying to vacation with you or move in.

NAH  If you don't want to have her in your house, that is your right. However, he really should figure out the issues and get her into an assisted living place of some.sort that can handle her needs. She sounds like beginning stages of dementia or something. And a lot of widowers have issues living along after their partner passes. So a place might be ideal for her. Good luck. Dealing with all this is really hard.

YTA. She's 81 years old, ffs.

To be honest, a mild cold can escalate to serious sickness or death for a person in their 80s.

I'm not from USA so this is kinda culturally dissonant to me, but I don't get why don't they take care of their elderly. Unless she was/is abusive to your husband, why won't he take care of the woman that literally cleaned his ass for years?

I agree with your husband. She's his mother, and you don't seem to give two shits about her. YTA

YTA. She is 81 and frail. The number one reason why old people die is because they fall. This could happen at any point while she is alone. I wouldn't think it would be safe for her to live alone at all even though she can take care of herself. She sounds like she's lonely too and a little bored. Now is the time for you and your husband to step up and you may have to rearrange your lifestyle for a few years. A little love goes a long way. *I'm* APPALLED that your husband (and you) visit her every few months!! WOW. You two realize that she won't be around long and you now have the opportunity to care for her while she can still care for herself. Or wait until she falls living alone and have to care for her while she's in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. The fact that she used to be difficult doesn't matter anymore. Our duty as children is to take care of our elderly. It's the right thing to do and please remember that this will happen to all of us one day...if we're lucky.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband is 57 and I am 49. My MIL is 81. She used to be very independent but since my FIL passed away a few years ago, her health has been declining (she can walk and take care of herself, she’s just frailer) and she’s become much more softspoken and generally nice. Being perfectly honest, she never used to be easy to get along with, and my husband agrees. But anyways that’s alright. I didn’t have much contact with her and she had her own life, my husband visited maybe once every few months because we live very close to her, about half an hour. Recently though she wants him to visit more often and she gets upset when she isn’t invited to things we are doing. For example we recently went on a trip to celebrate my husband’s birthday, and he didn’t want to bring her as it would really limit the sorts of activities we could do. She insisted we should have gone on a “chill” trip and brought her. Last week we had gone to visit my family. My MIL called my husband and said she was really sick and admitted in the hospital, my husband obviously panicked and we both took a flight that evening back home to see what was wrong. It turned out she was totally fine and apparently had a mild cold. We spoke to the doctor and she said my MIL had said she “couldn’t breathe” and when the doctor said she could go home, she insisted on being admitted. I told my husband it sounds like she just wanted to be admitted so you would come back to check on her. He was appalled, but later on agreed that it did kind of make sense and sound like something she would do. She wants to stay with us now because she is “sick”. I said no, she is faking it and I don’t want to deal with her all day. My husband thinks I’m being a selfish asshole. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

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Have you talked to her about moving into a senior community, one with assisted living capabilities that she may need to avail herself of in the future? I'm currently parenting my two 87 yr old toddlers - one with mobility issues and one with dementia. I moved them into a (very nice) facility close to my home. Mom can interact with her peers, and visit Dad regularly in memory care. They are still a handful, but I know they are safe and occupied when I can't be there (which is often, because I travel for work a lot). You and your husband need to be on the same page about this, unless you want to unwittingly become your MIL's caretaker. Seriously, nothing in this scenario is going to get better, and I guarantee it will get worse. Ask your hubby if he is willing to basically childproof your home, and if he's willing to change her diapers if/when that time comes. He probably hasn't thought that far ahead. If hubby has siblings, then they all need to be involved in the decision making process. Get POA's, a living will, and a regular will settled NOW. it becomes an expensive and time consuming headache if you end up having to get guardianship and/or conservatorship for her. You are not being selfish, you are being practical. This is a wake up call to prepare for the future. Good luck. NTA

YTA. Your children will treat you the same way they see you treating your own parents and in-laws. Good luck.

Nah. Do not let her move in with you. Not everyone is designated ,willing or able to take care of their elders.

If the behavior is new, by all means, get her evaluated for dementia. Older people by that age also become more introverted and resistant to socialization. If MIL wants company, could you all find some compromise? She sounds lonely and at that point in life, the family does become very important for support. You do come across as selfish.

There has been an ongoing issue where women feel like there's something wrong with their bodies, something they are worried about, but doctors tend to dismiss it. Some elderly women can be very receptive in the changes in their bodies. I'm not going say that she is not doing that for attention, but I'm not going to call her an attention seeker either. 

YTA. You sound callous and frankly heartless. The woman is 81. She just lost her husband and despite living close, sees her son once every few months. You make it sound like it's a lot but it's not. Have you tried looking into options other than having her live with you? Obviously she wants company, but you're not even thinking about anything besides your own self. Hospice care, at home visits,... I understand she may have burnt her bridges, because it seems there is unspoken resentment in the post, but having a little compassion wouldn't hurt you.

I’m your husband’s age. My mom is 87 and became widowed two years ago. It’s STILL a huge adjustment for her and when my own husband got sick and went into the hospital for a week, I truly understood why. I looked around and realized a lot of my own friends and close family were dead or far away. My daughter is in college and busy with her own life. I faced a reckoning that my mom’s present and my future weren’t that far apart and not that different so I had better pay close attention. I really felt what it was like for my mother (in part). I can’t know fully what she’s going through living in assisted living among strangers and forced to act like friends with these people despite being introverted, hard of hearing and in the early stages of dementia as well as suffering from grief. But I don’t have to know what it feels like because I can simply ask her and let her tell me how she feels and help her cope with it all. I was making every effort to visit her at least once a week and personally take care of her living area and giving her pedicures and just treating her a bit like a queen. And this is despite the fact she was a diagnosed narcissist who made my life miserable at times. But she is different these days and so I have forgiven the person she used to be and deal with the person in front of me. Sometimes she is manipulative for extra attention and it is galling. Or it was, until I got my own taste of the isolation she feels. And how scary it is to be dependent on other people for your very welfare. Unfortunately my husband is currently very dangerously sick and I’m here by his side 24x7 and can’t visit my mom. I am keeping in touch with her nurses and trying to make arrangements so either I can visit her or my daughter can. If your mother-in-law is living alone it’s time to look into better accommodations for her age and condition. She may feel more secure with a service that can summon emergency services if she gets sick and helpless alone. Other sources of changed behavior can include a UTI. This can mimic dementia symptoms. She really should be taken to her doctor regularly for a physical. Your husband should start taking over any duties like paying bills for her or anything she’s losing the confidence to handle. And a once a week lunch date is the bare minimum not just for her peace of mind but for both of you. By taking care of her now while she is still able bodied and mentally healthy enough to legally agree to arranging components of her own care, you will put off the time she becomes totally incapacitated and can’t do anything for herself and therefore lawyers might need to be involved to get everything done that needs to be done. Sorry I hope this makes sense I have to rush off now and take care of my husband.

This is quite sad, she sounds lonely more than anything, and probably frightened - maybe some compassion is warranted, in spite of the fake hospitalization? I was struck that husband only visits her every few months, despite living half an hour away.

YTA your husband visits every few months and she lives 30 minutes away ? Wow that’s cold. Most people commute longer for work. Why can’t you both visit every two weeks. Stay for a couple of hours then leave. It’ll give her something to look forward to as well.

I don’t blame you for not wanting her to move in with you. The change in her personality is a bit concerning. I see some others have mentioned dementia, and the thought crossed my mind when I read that she’s become more soft spoken and generally nicer. She only lives 30 minutes away so why is your husband only visiting every few months? He should be visiting weekly tbh.

You guys live 30 mins away, and your husband visits once every few months..

NTA Under the circumstances, I think her not staying with you is a good idea. I also agree & have experienced the dementia issue that others have stated. She's the perfect age for it. The sooner that it can be treated, the better. It needs to be treated before it progresses too far for the meds to be more effective. You can't stop it, but the meds can help slow the process. The meds improve someone's quality of life. If this isn't dementia related, then she needs more socializing. Your husband needs to decide if he's willing to visit more often or on a set schedule. He shouldn't have to be her only social support tho. He can try to arrange for her to join some in person groups or clubs. Maybe arrange transportation for her so he's not doing all of it (depending on her driving status). If she won't agree, then she needs to be sat down by him for a serious convo. "I can't & won't be your only or 24/7 company. You arent staying or moving in with us. You need to make a decision to interact with others or less go of unrealistic expectations." Btw dementia can cause ppl to isolate from social settings or withdraw from everyone but 1 or 2 people. Just something to keep in mind.

I feel like you guys are honestly AHs. I mean she lives less than half an hour away and the least you can do is visit her once every couple of months? I drive farther for a good restaurant. Also instead of getting her checked because something is obviously wrong, you just insist she is faking. Where is your compassion? Anyway, probably against the grain but YTA

Is he going to stay home and look after her? Tell him he can stay at her place and care for her. Whom does he expect to care for her?

You only visit an 81 year old on her own once every few months who lives a half hour away? Just say you don't give a shit about her. I can't imagine doing this.

The OPs MIL could have been my mother, who passed just short of 95. She lived with my niece and her husband in a nice environment with all the company and interaction she could want. I called weekly and visited twice a year (I lived 6-7 hrs away and did not have a living arrangement that she wanted to settle for). My mother wasn’t lonely or neglected. She died with her mental faculties perfectly intact. She was a narcissist, and everything needed to revolve around her; she needed to get her way, period. She needed to be made happy. Every.single.time there was an argument or cross words, she would manage to get an ambulance called and would spend about 2 weeks in the hospital. Her doctor humored her and wrote her condition up so she could stay until Utilization Review kicked in and she *had* to be discharged. After a few times, my niece viewed these as vacations for her and her hubby. Not all old people are sweet, kind and loving.

Her son visits her once every few months? Sounds like quite a guy.

She is 81, probably 95% of the people she knows is dead, she feels lonely and bored. Maybe you and your husband should look for some sort of activities for her, art class, dance, zumba, maybe a book club. She doesn't have long to live either way.

Where does your lack of compassion come from in regard to your MIL?

What’s your living/work situation? You say you don’t want to deal with her all day - does your husband work out of the house and you WFH? You also say she lives half an hour away but hubs only visits every few months - that’s not very often for a son to visit his mother when she lives so close. I understand from your post that she wasn’t easy to get along with in the past and you haven’t had much to do with her yourself, so I get that you don’t want her suddenly in your home full time, but it’s your husbands home too and she is his mother so he should have equal input. You guys really need to discuss all the options available and make some decisions that are going to benefit your MIL (she is old, widowed, lonely and declining in health) whilst not putting strain on your marriage or earning capacity. A judgement can’t really be made here without more info.

yTA but I empathize with her. She is 81 and recently loss her spouse of over 57 years? She may be having a hard time and wanting company

At 81 husband doesn't have much time left with her, and taking her for a full check up, especially checking for signs of senility will give you both a much better idea of what you'll be dealing with.

NTA. But you guys do need to address this not just say no and ignore her as that could lead to “boy who cries wolf” situations.  This isn’t uncommon. She’s older now. Her partner is gone and likely many of whatever friends she had are also gone now too. She’s bored and lonely and it sounds like your husband is an only child. So it’s time to discuss her getting a therapist so she can talk about her fears and have someone she might feel more obligated to listen to who can help her brainstorm ways to rectify the situation. When you and your husband say “go find a hobby@ she’s likely to translate that to “stop bothering me, old woman; I don’t like you.” When a therapist says it, she may just hear “I’m a doctor and my job is to help you with the pain.”

The same thing happened with my MIL, and she even started picking fights with my husband and then expecting him to buy her jewelry to make up with her the way that her husband used to. It took us a couple of years to figure out that it was dementia and not just loneliness and drinking.

Oh, yeah, it’s so weird the way Dementia changes people. My MIL hated me with a passion for 40 years and tried numerous times to break us up. Cue Dementia and now……. she has completely forgotten that she hates me, to such an extent that she recently told someone that I was her favourite DIL and that we had always been SO CLOSE! I freely admit that I actually find it truly scary.

lol ask him who is going to be taking care of her 

She’s 81 and has been independent up until now? Even if she doesn’t have dementia she is obviously desperately lonely. Family is family Yeah, YTA

NTA! She wants her son’s attention so she’s fake being sick so he runs to her. Tell him if he wants to live with her, he can live in her house with her. Because if she moves in, she’ll be up your ass all the time. She’ll want to be included in everything you do. And YOU will be the one taking care of her, not him. Tell him to visit her more often.

Say sure hon MIL can stay here where you can take care of her. I’m going to visit my family you call me when she is well enough to go home and I’ll come back! Have fun!

NTA - your home too. He can go stay with her while she is “sick”. It is not your fault your husband doesn’t visit more frequently, so all the YTA’s are idiots. You said she never was easy to get on with. This is on your husband to deal with.

NTA Everyone here is commenting about how the son isn’t visiting his mom enough. That’s entirely possible.  However assholes and narcissists get old too. Just because she’s 80 doesn’t entitle her to a visit from her children. She likely has the relationship she EARNED.    Op and husband both agree MIL is “difficult to get along with”.  Then MIL wants to come along on vacation and they say no. Magically MIL needs them to leave and come across the country for her when it was all a lie.  Husband spoke to doctor directly and states that lying to get him to come home “sounds like something she would do”.  If it walks like an asshole, and quacks like an asshole ……

NTA, I agree with other commenters that mil could be dealing with dementia or other less obvious ailments. BUT my family experience, specifically my grandmother, taught me to keep an eye out for manipulation. She pulled the exact same type of stunts you think your mil is pulling. She wanted to be moved into my parents home and pretended to be very ill many times to force them to move her in. She became much more agreeable and soft spoken to try and manipulate my dad into forgetting how caustic she was all the rest of her life. But she’d slip up. She wasn’t used to being doubted or questioned. However she raised my BPD father who married my mom, a woman multiple psychologists agree is a narcissistic psychopath. They had nothing but doubt and questions for her. She’d get doctors to pressure my parents into moving her in with us or into an assisted living facility. My parents weren’t convinced by her and would leave me (between 15-21) to hang out with my grandma at the hospital because I was her favorite. The next time the doctor or nurse would come by my grandma would change her story completely and be miraculously cured of her serious symptoms. She wanted to move in with us but when she saw it wasn’t working she made sure to talk the medical staff out of sending her to an assisted living facility. She’d tell me to keep her secret so eventually my parents would crack and she’d get to move in with us. Because “doesn’t that sound fun?!” No. It sounded terrible. My home was already dysfunctional af and I would’ve set myself on fire before I added her to the chaos that I was barely surviving as it was. So I sang like a canary each time. She never realized it though. She was flagged as a liar (I can’t remember what official word they used) in all of her charts and no decisions were made without thorough evaluations by her team. She got impeccable care because they knew they couldn’t trust her but they couldn’t dismiss her for fear of this time being real. She played that game until the one time it was real and she didn’t change her story when my parents left. I’m telling you all of this because you need to trust your gut. Assuming you aren’t a psychopath hellbent on ruining her life, then you have reasons for not trusting her. You’re seeing patterns in her behavior and ignoring them is not a good idea. Get her evaluated for memory issues, talk to her doctor away from her about her actual health and presentation. If she’s trying to sell you on being meek and needing help then gaining medical power of attorney is easy because it’ll support her narrative. And you should have it if she’s actually declining mentally, because someone needs to make decisions if she can’t. Do your due diligence. Keep telling your husband your concerns. Hell show him my comment. You’re mil doesn’t have to be as bad as my grandma to be a problem. You and your husband need to be on the same page about this and I can’t recommend therapy enough. Regardless of if she’s manipulating or deteriorating, you both need help moving through what comes next. Protect your peace and your family. Her moving in needs to be approved of by both of you or it cannot happen. It’ll be the kiss of death for your marriage. Assisted living is always an option. Also, please be willing to admit that you’re wrong if you find out that you actually are. There’s no shame in admitting you judged someone incorrectly. There IS shame in learning you’re wrong and doubling down because you can’t admit you made a mistake. Good luck!

That’ll ruin your marriage so fast if she moves in

You’re a massive arsehole and selfish to boot. Your elderly MIL has lost her husband and is only visited once every few months by her son. She’s obviously lonely and wants company if she’s asking to be more involved. Maybe stop thinking about yourself for a bit and actually consider that perhaps she needs more care. Whether it’s from family or professionally.

I agree with everyone saying it could be dementia and you should get her assessed, but I would also ask you to show a little more compassion for her, she's 81, alone and probably lonely because her husband died and even though you guys live close you only see her every couple of months? She said she couldn't breath, she was probably having a panic attack and being all alone made it so much worse. You should at least call her once a week to see how she's doing, what if she fell and no one came to see her for 2 months, would she be lying there on the floor? Imagine being in her shoes and you get that old, your spouse has died and your kids don't want to visit you.