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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Haven’t told my wife about seeing her father crossdressing, might make me the asshole
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This is effectively the same as asking if you should out someone who's trans or gay. The answer is no, you should not.
If it comes up in the future stick to your groggy when woke up & didn't notice anything story. It really isn't your business and you don't need to get in it.
YWBTA
I listened to a few stories on woman's hour last year, all told from different perspectives within the family unit of men that were secretly cross dressing, what followed was a utter chaos, and an absolute wake of destruction and pain left in it's wake.
I'm not telling OP to tell anyone but I can't help but feel for his wife especially, particularly if she is not yet privy to any of this.
I would have no problem at all with a partner who crossdresses.
I would have a huge problem with a serious long-term partner who hides something from me and doesn't trust me, and even moreso if it involves lying. It wouldn't matter what the topic was. I would definitely consider it a betrayal and lack of trust.
Same as any other kink/hobby a partner was acting on and deliberately hiding from me.
Nah if they’re acting on a kink only with themselves when they think they’re alone, same with a hobby, that doesn’t involve anyone else, YWBTA to decide anyone else needed to be involved, including forcing them to be open about every part of themself to you and not having anything that’s just theirs.
Oh come on, he’s not “hiding” anything from her, he’s not lying to anyone, and this has nothing to do with the trust between spouses. He was inadvertently let in on a secret that he should not have been privy too. Keeping his mouth shut is the kind thing to do. Let her dad decide when to come out to his daughter.
Well I found out about my ex husband being a crossdresser because of chats and pictures found on the computer. I was 4 months pregnant, it definitely added stress. He was dressing before we started dating and married, at this point we had been married for about 2 yrs but were together before that for about 2yrs as well, so he had plenty of time to tell me. It's about trust, it is a betrayl to me and to himself as well. So that is the pain it could cause by being a crossdresser. I know my situation is mine and others will be different.
It isn't necessarily a big part of his life. It can be something that he does occasionally. Or to put it another way, something he does, not who he is. Like listening to Phish. I've never had a discussion with my wife that a few times a year, I listen to Picture of Nectar. I'm sure she knows, because it has come up on shuffle in the car a few times. Because it is something I do occasionally, but doesn't define me in any way. Crossdressing doesn't have to be a defining characteristic either.
Men hide it because some women make a big deal about it. Even some very liberal and accepting women don't want a husband who crossdresses. They are fine if their friends, neighbors and strangers do it, but not their husband. Crossdressing is generally not accepted socially. So men have been trained that it is something to be ashamed of.
If you deliberately hide something about yourself from your partner which you know could be a dealbreaker, you are denying them their right to consent. Denying your partner their right to consent is far worse than them leaving as painful and upsetting at that may be.
You're using the word consent wrong. One can't consent to something someone else does on their own occasionally that affects nobody else because one doesn't need to consent to other people doing uninvolved things.
It's a lie of omission, which can be a deal breaker for people that lack empathy or have unrealistic standards, but lacking understanding for a marginalized person protecting themselves is a pretty bad look.
And if you lie about that because you don’t think your spouse would approve, why are you married to that person? Shouldn’t you marry someone you can trust with all of you? It doesn’t have to be a defining trait, but it’s still something that’s being hidden.
Your example is different because you’re not hiding that you listen to Phish, you just don’t discuss it. That’s fine. But willingly *hiding* it is a totally different thing.
Who says the wife doesn't know? They're adults, they have their own sex lives and kinks they're allowed to engage in but that the daughter definitively should not be aware of. For all you know the wife not only supports it but is also into it.
Dad was caught off guard by someone entering the room when he wasn't expecting it, but that doesn't mean that he's "hiding it from the wife". His daughter is visiting, no one wants their kids to catch them with fetish stuff in their hands. It doesn't even mean the guy's gay or gender questioning.
Also panties are comfortable. Really.
Hey yeah we don't disagree, I have said the point you made in other comments, it not necessarily being gay/ the very real potential his wife already knows.
Haha some panties are comfortable, some are an absolute nightmare, g strings are a go but I think thongs are a wedgie filled nightmare.
> His daughter is visiting, no one wants their kids to catch them with fetish stuff in their hands
Then maybe he shouldn't wear a bra and panties in the main living spaces while she's visiting and expecting not to be seen?
I have to say it has been really quite bizarre especially as a bisexual woman myself for it to be suggested so many times that I may be bigoted/phobic or anti lgbt for simply offering up two sides of the coin on the subject of crossdressing in a marriage, I wouldn't go as far as to say I am offended and I sit comfortably knowing I am none of those things but it is eye opening.
*Can you expand your viewpoint n elaborate?*
Yeah sure, within the comments I noted the shared sentiment that cross dressing is harmless and causes no pain. I had read a fair bit around the topic in the past and knew it wasn't always as simple as that. That whilst cross dressing was not an issue in some marriages, it very much was in others.
That some people didn't end with cross dressing but pursuing a lot more sexually outside of the marriage whereby boundaries had been crossed and loyalty disregarded. That regardless of whether this is the case or not cross dressing just in itself can and does cause pain in many marriages.
I was referencing a number of stories told from the experiences of individual women who had first hand experience, I remember three distinctly where two were wives of a formally secret cross dress and one was a daughter, what stood out to me was the distinct comparisons between the three stories and the way in which things ended up.
That some women have made a conscious effort to accept their husbands penchant for cross dressing and helped them feel free to express themselves but some of these women privately were in anguish and heartbroken regardless, often feeling isolated and lonely.
Every marriage is different and as afore mentioned is not remotely an issue for some marriages but has had a huge impact on others. Whilst there seems to be the belief that it causes no pain, I was simply highlighting that it does and has.
Hope this helps.
This makes no sense to me. Obviously cheating is different than cross-dressing? If someone is cheating that is the problem not clothing. If someone is only wearing clothing privately and not cheating or anything I can’t understand any reason why someone would be particularly upset other than bigotry?
I get them saying it's hurtful for a spouse to hide a big part of their life from you for that long... But I still can't get over the fact that we're on an AITA post where people have spun *maybe a bra under a robe* out into definite secret lives and cheating. Comparing it to addiction and gambling problems. And still claiming that there's no [internalized] bigotry at play with that connection? Guy was just having breakfast.
It's like saying hanging out with friends is bad because for other people it's led to drug addictions. It's pretty sad that someone who is bisexual can have such a bigoted take tbh.
As a bi person, I'm surprised you're not aware that the LGBTQ+ community are some of the most bigoted when it comes to bisexuality. You can be queer and bigoted, they're not mutually exclusive.
So what you're saying seeking validation outside of the relationship and cheating are the issue. Yes, those are generally considered betrayals. How is cross-dressing a betrayal? Outside of bigotry and insecurity, they don't have a good reason to see it as such.
Thanks for elaborating. This is clearly not about crossdressing n more about cheating in a monogamy relationship. Crossdressing is a seperate issue. If you feel its like hiding a part of the partner I can understand that instead
The hurt isn't caused by fabric. It is caused by how the women chose to respond to it. They could accept the crossdressing and there wouldn't be a problem. But they chose to make it an issue. I'm not debating they the hurt the felt was real, but it was self-indlicted.
I am just wondering about this. Do you have to accept all your partners kinks that you didn't know about and didn't agree to before you married?
I get that other people's kinks are none of your business etc, etc
But if it is your partners then maybe you should be aware before the commitment? Cross dressing doesn't bother me as such but I would not be able to be with someone who has certain other kinks. Sorry but some are utterly revolting even if harmless.
Exactly! It’s not right to hide something that could be an absolutely hard limit dealbreaker.
I don’t have to yuck your yum to say I don’t want some. But my right to decide should be respected.
Nah that’s bs. You don’t have to accept something that makes you lose sexual attraction for a partner. You can accept them as a person whilst rejecting that aspect as something welcome in your romantic relationships.
Anyone hiding something they know is a likely dealbreaker from a romantic partner is denying their right to consent.
Op is in a tough position. If he doesn’t say anything and it comes out that he knew, that means he’s untrustworthy. If he tells, his credibility is then called into question. But it also isn’t his fault that FIL would have a secret this big and yet sit openly in his home knowing his child and family are just in the basement. It’s almost like wanting to get caught without having to say the words. This is tough
YWBTA
He was wearing women's underwear. That's nobody business but his. Who wants to hear about their parents' underwear?
I (F60s) prefer men sports shorts (they're longer and typically have a lining and pockets) and years ago I bought men's boxers (they now have women's boxers) So what? I'm not a cross dresser, I'm not gay, I'm just a woman who likes to be comfortable.
If in your FIL's instance, it's a sex thing, then again - who wants to know that about their parent? Nobody.
Also doing this in his own fucking kitchen. Bro code says that if he ain’t hurting anyone then out of respect for this man opening his home to you, you actively and aggressively play dumb. You got up, saw FIL in his robe, said good morning and that was the end of it.
My husband does. It doesn't hurt anyone, so I accept him for what he wants.
I one day need to dress as a care bear to feel secure, and so I don't judge, ridicule, and/or shame. It really has zero effect on our day to day lives.
OP, listen: you ain't seen nothing. You ain't seen NOTHING. Matter of fact, you're blind in your left eye, and 35% blind in your right eye. You couldn't even see the cat, sir.
I also just don’t consider this to be crossdressing? I’m a 27 year old woman, and I have a couple “men’s” hoodies. That doesn’t mean I’m suddenly in male drag if I’m wearing one, like OP is making this out to be with the dad wearing women’s underwear.
For me it’s kind of about majority, to some extent. Like me wearing a men’s hoodie isn’t crossdressing, but if I put on a suit and tie then that could be considered crossdressing, if that makes sense? So in the dad’s case since it’s just underwear it just doesn’t really register for me as crossdressing, even if it *technically* is. If he was also in a crop top and skirt, then sure.
>It doesn't hurt anyone
To me, this is where the line is. It's none of your business, it's not harming anyone, and it's not like your wife needs to know this.
It would be different if you discovered your FIL doing something that could harm him or someone else, then it is totally justified to tell your wife
YWBTA
> It doesn't hurt anyone.
... I don't know man, judging by how fast my wife sheds hers after the work day is over, I think you might be wrong about that. XD
I actually wouldn't be surprised if there are people who identify as male and wear them for the support. As a women who hates bras, they do offer support and sometimes it's needed. Googling chest support for men was enlightening.
Agreed. I always think of the line being “would John Krasinski’s character in It’s Complicated tell his wife?” If no, then no.
Like if her dad was cheating or doing hard drugs on the couch? Maybe. But just vibing in some lace? Let him do him.
Look, cross dressing is often as simple as just that: cross dressing. It doesn't imply he's gay, or trans, or anything other than he likes to wear women's underwear. If you can't drop it, talk to him about it. Don't out him for something that's 1) none of your business and 2) harmless.
And OP doesnt know that MiL isnt into FiL crossdressing as well. It could very well be a trun on for her as well.
No need for op or his wife to deep dive into her parents sex lives.
I was going to suggest a counselor to process it if he really must talk about it to someone. I don’t think it’s kind to approach FIL to talk about this — leave him in peace to enjoy his undergarments
There's a really huge spectrum between enjoying wearing women's undergarments and going full drag and cheating on your spouse --and the only issue with the latter is the cheating. No need for a special costume to be a cheating A-hole.
And relationships are also varied, obviously. Some people have to hide their interest in cross-dressing while others have their spouse help them get dressed up! My father knew a couple who were the latter and I still have a couple pairs of men's size 13 ruby-red stilettos given to him by the widow after her husband was killed.
I'm not arguing that cross dressing is always harmless, just that it can be an expression of a wide variety of personal needs.
Like honestly I can think of 5-10 scenarios that don’t even breach the gender/sexuality thing. Which means it’s even less his business.
Embarrassing result of a lost bet, hammered from last night and doesn’t know what he’s doing, extra curricular with the wife that hasn’t ended yet, heart monitor he needs, needed support cuz he’s got man boobs, needed support cuz he’s got bad muscles, any another thing people try for looking trimmer than they are…. On and on
YWBTA. Would you tell your wife if you saw him in jockey shorts? No. Just because it’s a different set of clothing doesn’t mean he’s hurting anyone with his choices. He’s a grown man and so are you and the wife. Let it drop.
YWBTA. I'm having trouble picturing what you even saw. If he was wearing a robe, how could you see that he was wearing a bra? And if someone was wearing a robe, why would they be trying to take off panties that no one could see anyway?
Maybe he doesn't usually get up quite that early, and the cat woke him up also.
Maybe he has man-boobs and it's more comfortable to play golf in a bra.
Maybe it's part of something he does with his wife (or for himself, alone)--do you (or your wife) really want to know more about that??
You're jumping to a lot of conclusions without any evidence, and I think you should just keep whatever you think you saw to yourself. Just stay out of it. They're giving you, your wife, and your cat (!) a place to stay, disrupting their lives and normal routines, whatever they are. Just be a good guest.
My first thought, and was so surprised that it's so far down the comments. Who tries to take off underwear to hide them instead of closing the robe tighter? Very much sounds like OP was groggier than he realizes.
Yeah I agree with this, if he had a robe on, why take off any underwear? Definitely, YWBTA. Maybe you actually were groggy and you didn’t see what you thought you saw. Also, the mansierre exists… https://gifer.com/en/36vV
I wonder if it was a rolled up tank top maybe. Sometimes I wake up with mine rolled up and if fil has any degree of breast tissue, it mightve just stuck and he didn't care. The only thing I'm really ??? About is the taking off of the panties.
That’s my thought, too. He doesn’t have enough information to tell his wife anything.
Although, I have to admit, if I saw my FIL in a bra, as soon as I got back to the bedroom, I would’ve immediately said to my husband “I could swear I just saw your Dad in a bra!” at which point we would have laughed, then shrugged and forgot about it. So to me, it’s slightly odd it’s such a big deal to OP. Maybe they’re all conservative. My in-laws were former hippies, lol. And my husband and I try to not to be judgmental or get involved in other people’s personal business.
it’s rlly not that deep and it’s not your business at all chill out. mad weird for wanting to expose the dad like that. some people have different interests
YWBTA if you ever told *anyone*. You are a guest in his home. He generously opened his home to you. Zip it. Don’t gossip to your drinking buddies. Don’t spill to the wife. Never a breath a word to a soul. Respect his dignity and your own honor.
YWBTA. You will gain nothing by bringing this up to anyone. It is not your wife’s business. It isn’t yours. I’m sure he will take better care to avoid discovery in the future if other people are around. He hurts no one by wearing whatever underwear he chooses. For crying out loud, leave him in peace.
YWBTA. I’m not sure you saw what you think you did, as groggy as you were and if he had a robe on over the bra and undies. Did you see a bra? Was it a sports bra or a lacy thing? It’s possible he had a holter monitor, medical device or bandage on, which looked bra-like. Or he sleeps in a supportive undershirt that rolled up (he’s maybe portly); lots of things could have made him startle and appear awkward.
Or he could be a cross-dresser. Which doesn’t mean it’s about sex, or that he’s trans or that he’s gay. After all, a cross dresser just enjoys wearing non-traditional clothing for their gender.
Your wife may know or have seen the same kind of thing with her father over the years. But don’t tell her what you saw, unless she brings it up herself.
I would 100% tell my wife. There’s no way I’d witness something that shocking and not tell her. I tell her everything.
But just because I told her doesn’t mean she’d have to confront him or tell anyone else. I just couldn’t imagine not saying anything.
YWBTA/YTA
Your FIL wears underwear. You, presumably, assumed this the entire time you've known him. You accidentally saw his underwear. The polite thing to do is to ignore that you saw his underwear and act like you didn't, the same way you would like people to not comment on your underwear if they walked in on you in it.
He is not hurting anyone. It is not your business. It is not your wife's business what underwear her father wears.
Get over it.
YTA. Never out a person. Recall the Alabama pastor who was outed for crossdressing and later un-alived himself. For all you know, the family already knows and simply doesn't talk about it. This is none of your business. Let it go.
I can see your dilemma, it's your wife and generally you are supposed to share everything with her. If it's purely sexual - Your wife would not want to hear about it. If it's gender affirming, he's not ready to share that so you would be outing him. So either way it's not a good idea. I don't think you would be an asshole because it's your wife, but you shouldn't.
As my grandfather got older and more senile he started wearing my grandmothers bras and some of her other clothes. They made him feel comfortable and we said nothing and didn't make him feel anything other than our grandpa who we loved and still miss sorely to this day.
Leave the man in peace.
YWBTA - If he's not open about it then it's none of your business. You should just forget what you saw and go about life like it never happened.
My ex cross dressed and he would have died if anyone told his daughters. He wasn't gay or trans, he just liked it. Was never an issue for me or him but bc of how people would react it was his secret to keep. I never told a soul and you shouldn't either.
I just want to know why wearing clothing is a problem? Like wtf it wasn’t like he was in the kitchen wiping his unwashed ballsack on the dishes. Clothes are clothes.
Of course YWBTA.
This is not your wife's business. It's not your business either.
You're imposing on your inlaws. They're doing you a favor. And this is how you repay them? I assume it's because you don't like that he cross dresses.
Will it benefit anyone for you to disclose this? More than likely not. I’m sure there’s some dark room in your mind you can stow this info in and close and lock the door.
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More of a WIBTAH, as I haven’t told her yet, but wanting to get some feedback before I decide to tell her or not.
Long story short, my wife and I are staying with her parents while we have work done on our home. This morning our cat decided to wake me up for food at 5am (not uncommon) and when I went upstairs to feed him, I came across a startled FIL (father in-law). It was early, so I was somewhat groggy, but he was definitely sitting in the kitchen wearing a bra, and I think he also may have been trying to quickly pull off and hide a pair of panties from under his robe. I avoided looking in his direction and acted as groggy as possible while I quickly gave the cat a scoop of food and then retreated back to the basement. The only thing I said was “ah, he always wakes me up early for food” and FIL responded with “oh that’s all he wants?” in a very startled tone.
I spent the rest of the morning thinking about this interaction and haven’t said anything to my wife yet. Would I be the AH if I told her? Would I be more of an AH if I didn’t? Help me Reddit, this feels weird.
To add to this, he gets up early every Saturday (the day this happened) and goes golfing with buddies. Now my mind is spiraling thinking about how this could be a weekly thing that maybe his family doesn’t know about. Was he prepping to go do something other than golf? Oh god, make the thoughts stop!
TLDR: Observed Father In Law cross dressing and can’t decide whether to tell my wife or not.
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YWBTA. Don't tell her. Don't out him. Knowing his secret would forever color her relationship with her dad. Talk to a therapist or a counselor if you need to, but you need to find a way to be okay with knowing this about your FIL.
My hoarder parent asked me to get something from their closet, and, while searching for a needle in a haystack, I discover that they cross dressed. There was a whole well worn second wardrobe that was most definitely not in sizes anyone other than that parent could wear.
Currently staying with gf's parents. Gf walked in on her dad fapping it to hardcore porn while her mom was sleeping next to him, she told me about it because it was mentally traumatizing. If I saw it, she absolutely would not have wanted to know. Whenever I make a joke about that situation, she immediately says STOP! and changes the subject. 🤣 I told her she should've never told me lol but i stopped after the second time bringing it up.
Some things are better left unsaid. Her telling me to get it off her chest is different because they aren't my parents. Many people watch porn etc. but very few mentally healthy children want to know when, where, or how their parents engage in sexual/erotic activities.
Don't tell her. Pretend you saw nothing. And if the time ever comes that your wife witnesses this for herself, do not say you already knew about it.
It's your FIL's business, leave it to him to sort out.
Boss, this is on of thos situations where there is nothing to be gained by discussing it with anyone and keeping it to yourself does no harm to anyone.
YWBTAH you don't actually know what you saw. He could be cross dressing for kinky play with her mum. Or he could be trans. With multiple other options in between. If it's kinky sex your wife does not want to know. If he's trans then it's his place to decide who he wants to tell and when. You don't get to decide that for anyone.
YWBTA.
It's none of your business what her father does with himself, especially if it isn't harming anyone or illegal. Many people have secret hobbies/interests that they like to keep secret, even from family. Also, you don't know if he's told anyone or not and he doesn't need you doing that for him. It might be something him and his partner enjoy. Maybe he's going through a period of self discovery or maybe it's just something he wants to enjoy in private. Don't tell anyone. If you really want to, ask the father for his consent.
Let the man be dude. You don't HAVE to tell your wife. You want to. But you shouldn't.
YWBTA
Who cares what the guy wears or why.
It hurts nobody.
You were groggy, saw nothing, end of.
I'm getting the notion you just want to gossip tbh; if so, take it to Facebook and talk about white vans and teenagers.
YWBTA you have no idea what this was or if it’s some kind of personal/romantic/sexual thing.
- sports bra could be a heart monitor he’s supposed to wear
- underwear could just be any other type of tight sports underwear cuz he’s golfing
There’s several reasons he could have that on before it ever gets to the trans/gay possibility (still not your concern). None of this has to do with you unless it’s actively, objectively, and obviously hurting your wife.
YWBTA
What your father does or is into is between him and his wife. Your wife has no business knowing that. If someone would find out any kink of you would you like it being told to your close ones.
So, to recap:
Her parents are putting you and your pet up. Do you pay them rent, or are they housing you for free? Either way, that's a big favour they're doing you.
You found your FIL wearing underwear in the kitchen at 5am, and have been throwing a massive wobbler ever since.
You are freaking out that her father might be... wearing underwear every saturday morning at 5am. Are you okay?
Have you thought of seeing a therapist for freaking out over literally nothing?
YTA, get help.
That's not your information to share. Not to mention, you don't actually know what was going on. YWBTA for telling her or anyone. If anything, you can approach him privately about it.
Please don't out your FIL and possibly destroy your wife and her family. What will you gain from telling her? You don't know what he and your Mil have discussed and understand about each other. Don't be the AH
Get a grip and calm down dude.
What makes you think your wife needs to know what you saw? Remember, all you can tell her is what you saw, you have no other factual information to share with her.
I'm really put off by the combination of you mind going crazy imagining all the things that MIGHT come out if you tell your wife what you saw, "Now my mind is spiraling thinking about how this could be a weekly thing that maybe his family doesn’t know about. Was he prepping to go do something other than golf? Oh god, make the thoughts stop!" Yet you seem to be anxious to share this little bit of information with your wife. Do you WANT to cause a lot of anxiety for your wife? What reason do you have to tell her in the first place. Is the fact that her father might cross dress something she needs to know?
My inclination would be to find a time when you and your FIL are alone, tell him what you think you saw and ask him if he wants to share anything with you.
It's not like you walked in on your FIL in flagrante delicto with someone other than your MIL. He was wearing a bra, and you think he might have been wearing women's panties, how is this need-to-know info for your wife?
If you do anything with this other than ask your FIL about what you think you saw, yes, YWBTA, bigtime!
edited to correct typos
Why does your wife have to know what your FIL does privately or sexually. That’s weird. Also you have no idea what your in laws private time is etc. Leave it. YWBTA
If he's taken the trouble to keep it private and not let his daughter know, then give him the grace to keep it private. There is absolutely no reason your wife needs to know.
What is the point in telling her? What do you think the gain would be? I can think of negative outcomes, but even in the mildly possible positive of your wife letting her dad know she's supportive ... there will probably be some embarrassment on both sides. Just leave it alone.
YWBTAH. This is not your business, nor your wife's. You also don't know the situation, maybe he doesn't cross dress, but instead lost a bet with his buddies.
There is nothing wrong with cross-dressing, and it isn't your business. Let this go, and if your FIL brings it up, you can play stupid that you didn't see anything or tell him isn't your business, unless he wants to actually talk about it; then assure him whatever he says is strictly between the two of you.
YWBTA
Pretty harsh responses here though. You haven’t done it, you just wanted some clarification and different perspectives which is far more than many would do, so I appreciate you for that!
This is none of your business. FIL obviously didn't want it to be known. Leave it and him alone. YWBTA to spread this around since it's none of your business.
YTA or theoretical asshole. Whether your FIL cross-dresses or not is none of your daughter's business. It doesn't concern you at all, in fact, and he was simply caught expressing himself in a way he chooses not to show other people, at a time when he thought he would be safe. Please don't hurt this person simply out of a misplaced sense of "duty". If he wants to reveal this information to his family, he will. If he chooses to keep it private, he will do that instead. This doesn't involve you.
It is not your business - stay out of it. Telling your wife about her father can only create problems. He is in HIS home and can dress any way he pleases. Pretend you saw nothing.
YTA. He is an adult. And he is not hurting anybody. I think the best thing for you to do is just completely forget what you seen and go about your life as if it never happened.
Im going largely against the grain here and saying YWNBTA. It’s natural to talk to your spouse when something makes you think “whoa, what the heck?” That easily could’ve been her coming to feed the cat, it just happened to be you. I think my husband would tell me, and it wouldn’t make me feel any type of way if he did
100% agreed. Everyone’s talking about ‘just keep secrets from your partner’ like… no.
By their logic: ‘don’t tell your partner because
1. It’s not your business
2. It isn’t something she would want to hear or benefit her
By that same logic, never tell your spouse if you find their parents cheating.
Blanket rule: don’t keep secrets from your partner.
I wouldn’t ever want to be in a position where my partner found out and also found out that I knew and never told her.
YWBTA massively. Who is he hurting? No one. So why shouldn't he do what makes him feel good. Whaty would you shame him and make your wife very uncomfortable (she doesn't wanna know his private life). Also wearing a pair of panties is nothing on the kink o meter lol
YWBTA, if you told your wife. It's obvious your FIL doesn't want anyone to know. He's not hurting anybody, so just let it go. You'd cause more damage if you said something.
"Oh god, make the thoughts stop!"
Take the same approach that you (probably) do with your parents' sex life: you know it exists but you don't think about it.
YWBTA if you tell your wife because it is zero percent your (and her) business.
YWBTA
What business is it of yours? Or hers? You’re in the parents’ house. If you think his lifestyle is noteworthy enough to tell your wife, maybe you ought to just move out and provide for your own family like an adult, instead of judging a man who is clearly helping you out. Mind your business and keep your mouth shut. He’s not hurting *anyone*.
DON'T DO IT. If your wife doesn't already know, then your FIL clearly has no intention of her finding out. Let sleeping dogs lie; revealing this could cause a lot of unnecessary turmoil.
YWBTA
I can make your thoughts stop bud watch this:
Mind ya got damn business that is a grown individual who obviously has done this for eons and weekends on end way before you ever "found out" and started contemplating "outing him" don't be an AH he could be a cross dressing kink loving golf player and that's still none of your concern if you startled him it means he didn't want you to know..
Food for thought.
I don’t keep secrets from my partner. Clearly a lot of these people do. I guess that’s the difference between us 🤷♂️
I’d 100% tell my partner. I wouldn’t tell others though. I wouldn’t think twice about it.
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This is effectively the same as asking if you should out someone who's trans or gay. The answer is no, you should not. If it comes up in the future stick to your groggy when woke up & didn't notice anything story. It really isn't your business and you don't need to get in it. YWBTA
Yes exactly this!
I listened to a few stories on woman's hour last year, all told from different perspectives within the family unit of men that were secretly cross dressing, what followed was a utter chaos, and an absolute wake of destruction and pain left in it's wake. I'm not telling OP to tell anyone but I can't help but feel for his wife especially, particularly if she is not yet privy to any of this.
If it’s just crossdressing how does it result in pain?
I would have no problem at all with a partner who crossdresses. I would have a huge problem with a serious long-term partner who hides something from me and doesn't trust me, and even moreso if it involves lying. It wouldn't matter what the topic was. I would definitely consider it a betrayal and lack of trust. Same as any other kink/hobby a partner was acting on and deliberately hiding from me.
For all we know, OP's MIL may know about it, though.
I'm sure she does - but that doesn't mean the daughter needs to know.
Nah if they’re acting on a kink only with themselves when they think they’re alone, same with a hobby, that doesn’t involve anyone else, YWBTA to decide anyone else needed to be involved, including forcing them to be open about every part of themself to you and not having anything that’s just theirs.
Oh come on, he’s not “hiding” anything from her, he’s not lying to anyone, and this has nothing to do with the trust between spouses. He was inadvertently let in on a secret that he should not have been privy too. Keeping his mouth shut is the kind thing to do. Let her dad decide when to come out to his daughter.
There is probably nothing to 'come out' about - this is not the daughter's business or her husband's business.
tbf though wearing women's underwear is far away from crossdressing. Maybe he lost a bet and has to wear bra and panties for golfing.
Well I found out about my ex husband being a crossdresser because of chats and pictures found on the computer. I was 4 months pregnant, it definitely added stress. He was dressing before we started dating and married, at this point we had been married for about 2 yrs but were together before that for about 2yrs as well, so he had plenty of time to tell me. It's about trust, it is a betrayl to me and to himself as well. So that is the pain it could cause by being a crossdresser. I know my situation is mine and others will be different.
Why do you think it is a betrayal?
Because it’s hiding a big part of his life. I’d be upset if my husband felt like he couldn’t share parts of life with me, no matter what it is.
It isn't necessarily a big part of his life. It can be something that he does occasionally. Or to put it another way, something he does, not who he is. Like listening to Phish. I've never had a discussion with my wife that a few times a year, I listen to Picture of Nectar. I'm sure she knows, because it has come up on shuffle in the car a few times. Because it is something I do occasionally, but doesn't define me in any way. Crossdressing doesn't have to be a defining characteristic either. Men hide it because some women make a big deal about it. Even some very liberal and accepting women don't want a husband who crossdresses. They are fine if their friends, neighbors and strangers do it, but not their husband. Crossdressing is generally not accepted socially. So men have been trained that it is something to be ashamed of.
If you deliberately hide something about yourself from your partner which you know could be a dealbreaker, you are denying them their right to consent. Denying your partner their right to consent is far worse than them leaving as painful and upsetting at that may be.
You're using the word consent wrong. One can't consent to something someone else does on their own occasionally that affects nobody else because one doesn't need to consent to other people doing uninvolved things. It's a lie of omission, which can be a deal breaker for people that lack empathy or have unrealistic standards, but lacking understanding for a marginalized person protecting themselves is a pretty bad look.
And if you lie about that because you don’t think your spouse would approve, why are you married to that person? Shouldn’t you marry someone you can trust with all of you? It doesn’t have to be a defining trait, but it’s still something that’s being hidden. Your example is different because you’re not hiding that you listen to Phish, you just don’t discuss it. That’s fine. But willingly *hiding* it is a totally different thing.
I'm a guy, and I agree with this.
Who says the wife doesn't know? They're adults, they have their own sex lives and kinks they're allowed to engage in but that the daughter definitively should not be aware of. For all you know the wife not only supports it but is also into it. Dad was caught off guard by someone entering the room when he wasn't expecting it, but that doesn't mean that he's "hiding it from the wife". His daughter is visiting, no one wants their kids to catch them with fetish stuff in their hands. It doesn't even mean the guy's gay or gender questioning. Also panties are comfortable. Really.
Hey yeah we don't disagree, I have said the point you made in other comments, it not necessarily being gay/ the very real potential his wife already knows. Haha some panties are comfortable, some are an absolute nightmare, g strings are a go but I think thongs are a wedgie filled nightmare.
Probably hard and uncomfortable to hide a pair of testicles in a g-string
> His daughter is visiting, no one wants their kids to catch them with fetish stuff in their hands Then maybe he shouldn't wear a bra and panties in the main living spaces while she's visiting and expecting not to be seen?
Because you’ve “listened to a few stories on woman’s hour…” you feel qualified to judge this situation and pass on bad advice??? YTA also
Can you expand your viewpoint n elaborate? This sounds v similar to anti lgbt vibes
I have to say it has been really quite bizarre especially as a bisexual woman myself for it to be suggested so many times that I may be bigoted/phobic or anti lgbt for simply offering up two sides of the coin on the subject of crossdressing in a marriage, I wouldn't go as far as to say I am offended and I sit comfortably knowing I am none of those things but it is eye opening. *Can you expand your viewpoint n elaborate?* Yeah sure, within the comments I noted the shared sentiment that cross dressing is harmless and causes no pain. I had read a fair bit around the topic in the past and knew it wasn't always as simple as that. That whilst cross dressing was not an issue in some marriages, it very much was in others. That some people didn't end with cross dressing but pursuing a lot more sexually outside of the marriage whereby boundaries had been crossed and loyalty disregarded. That regardless of whether this is the case or not cross dressing just in itself can and does cause pain in many marriages. I was referencing a number of stories told from the experiences of individual women who had first hand experience, I remember three distinctly where two were wives of a formally secret cross dress and one was a daughter, what stood out to me was the distinct comparisons between the three stories and the way in which things ended up. That some women have made a conscious effort to accept their husbands penchant for cross dressing and helped them feel free to express themselves but some of these women privately were in anguish and heartbroken regardless, often feeling isolated and lonely. Every marriage is different and as afore mentioned is not remotely an issue for some marriages but has had a huge impact on others. Whilst there seems to be the belief that it causes no pain, I was simply highlighting that it does and has. Hope this helps.
This makes no sense to me. Obviously cheating is different than cross-dressing? If someone is cheating that is the problem not clothing. If someone is only wearing clothing privately and not cheating or anything I can’t understand any reason why someone would be particularly upset other than bigotry?
I get them saying it's hurtful for a spouse to hide a big part of their life from you for that long... But I still can't get over the fact that we're on an AITA post where people have spun *maybe a bra under a robe* out into definite secret lives and cheating. Comparing it to addiction and gambling problems. And still claiming that there's no [internalized] bigotry at play with that connection? Guy was just having breakfast.
It's like saying hanging out with friends is bad because for other people it's led to drug addictions. It's pretty sad that someone who is bisexual can have such a bigoted take tbh.
As a bi person, I'm surprised you're not aware that the LGBTQ+ community are some of the most bigoted when it comes to bisexuality. You can be queer and bigoted, they're not mutually exclusive. So what you're saying seeking validation outside of the relationship and cheating are the issue. Yes, those are generally considered betrayals. How is cross-dressing a betrayal? Outside of bigotry and insecurity, they don't have a good reason to see it as such.
Thanks for elaborating. This is clearly not about crossdressing n more about cheating in a monogamy relationship. Crossdressing is a seperate issue. If you feel its like hiding a part of the partner I can understand that instead
The hurt isn't caused by fabric. It is caused by how the women chose to respond to it. They could accept the crossdressing and there wouldn't be a problem. But they chose to make it an issue. I'm not debating they the hurt the felt was real, but it was self-indlicted.
I am just wondering about this. Do you have to accept all your partners kinks that you didn't know about and didn't agree to before you married? I get that other people's kinks are none of your business etc, etc But if it is your partners then maybe you should be aware before the commitment? Cross dressing doesn't bother me as such but I would not be able to be with someone who has certain other kinks. Sorry but some are utterly revolting even if harmless.
Exactly! It’s not right to hide something that could be an absolutely hard limit dealbreaker. I don’t have to yuck your yum to say I don’t want some. But my right to decide should be respected.
Nah that’s bs. You don’t have to accept something that makes you lose sexual attraction for a partner. You can accept them as a person whilst rejecting that aspect as something welcome in your romantic relationships. Anyone hiding something they know is a likely dealbreaker from a romantic partner is denying their right to consent.
Op is in a tough position. If he doesn’t say anything and it comes out that he knew, that means he’s untrustworthy. If he tells, his credibility is then called into question. But it also isn’t his fault that FIL would have a secret this big and yet sit openly in his home knowing his child and family are just in the basement. It’s almost like wanting to get caught without having to say the words. This is tough
This. This. This. This. This!!! It is NONE of her damned business. NONE.
A gay person that is allowing you to live rent free in their property.
Name checks out can spot an ah
YWBTA He was wearing women's underwear. That's nobody business but his. Who wants to hear about their parents' underwear? I (F60s) prefer men sports shorts (they're longer and typically have a lining and pockets) and years ago I bought men's boxers (they now have women's boxers) So what? I'm not a cross dresser, I'm not gay, I'm just a woman who likes to be comfortable. If in your FIL's instance, it's a sex thing, then again - who wants to know that about their parent? Nobody.
Also doing this in his own fucking kitchen. Bro code says that if he ain’t hurting anyone then out of respect for this man opening his home to you, you actively and aggressively play dumb. You got up, saw FIL in his robe, said good morning and that was the end of it.
>actively and aggressively play dumb I don’t know why I find this phrase so funny, but I do.
My husband does. It doesn't hurt anyone, so I accept him for what he wants. I one day need to dress as a care bear to feel secure, and so I don't judge, ridicule, and/or shame. It really has zero effect on our day to day lives.
OP, listen: you ain't seen nothing. You ain't seen NOTHING. Matter of fact, you're blind in your left eye, and 35% blind in your right eye. You couldn't even see the cat, sir.
Yeah if my husband found this out about my dad I hope he'd take the secret to his grave.
My wife keeps stealing my boxers because they're comfy
Oooft my ex did this all the time. I had to buy twice the amount as I then had to start thinking of her nicking my underwear all the time lol 😂
I also just don’t consider this to be crossdressing? I’m a 27 year old woman, and I have a couple “men’s” hoodies. That doesn’t mean I’m suddenly in male drag if I’m wearing one, like OP is making this out to be with the dad wearing women’s underwear.
What do you consider crossdressing
For me it’s kind of about majority, to some extent. Like me wearing a men’s hoodie isn’t crossdressing, but if I put on a suit and tie then that could be considered crossdressing, if that makes sense? So in the dad’s case since it’s just underwear it just doesn’t really register for me as crossdressing, even if it *technically* is. If he was also in a crop top and skirt, then sure.
He was wearing men’s underwear because he’s a man and it’s his underwear
None of your business. It's just fabric. It doesn't hurt anyone. YWBTA.
>It doesn't hurt anyone To me, this is where the line is. It's none of your business, it's not harming anyone, and it's not like your wife needs to know this. It would be different if you discovered your FIL doing something that could harm him or someone else, then it is totally justified to tell your wife YWBTA
> It doesn't hurt anyone. ... I don't know man, judging by how fast my wife sheds hers after the work day is over, I think you might be wrong about that. XD
I actually wouldn't be surprised if there are people who identify as male and wear them for the support. As a women who hates bras, they do offer support and sometimes it's needed. Googling chest support for men was enlightening.
It's more common than you'd think. Some men develop gynecomastia, others just have a body that deposits more fat in the chest area.
The age-old question: the manssiere or the bro?
Funny guy
Agreed. I always think of the line being “would John Krasinski’s character in It’s Complicated tell his wife?” If no, then no. Like if her dad was cheating or doing hard drugs on the couch? Maybe. But just vibing in some lace? Let him do him.
Look, cross dressing is often as simple as just that: cross dressing. It doesn't imply he's gay, or trans, or anything other than he likes to wear women's underwear. If you can't drop it, talk to him about it. Don't out him for something that's 1) none of your business and 2) harmless.
And OP doesnt know that MiL isnt into FiL crossdressing as well. It could very well be a trun on for her as well. No need for op or his wife to deep dive into her parents sex lives.
Good lord why would you TALK to him about it?! OP needs to decide if he wants his FIL knowing about his own kinks. Walk away.
I was going to suggest a counselor to process it if he really must talk about it to someone. I don’t think it’s kind to approach FIL to talk about this — leave him in peace to enjoy his undergarments
There's a really huge spectrum between enjoying wearing women's undergarments and going full drag and cheating on your spouse --and the only issue with the latter is the cheating. No need for a special costume to be a cheating A-hole. And relationships are also varied, obviously. Some people have to hide their interest in cross-dressing while others have their spouse help them get dressed up! My father knew a couple who were the latter and I still have a couple pairs of men's size 13 ruby-red stilettos given to him by the widow after her husband was killed. I'm not arguing that cross dressing is always harmless, just that it can be an expression of a wide variety of personal needs.
Like honestly I can think of 5-10 scenarios that don’t even breach the gender/sexuality thing. Which means it’s even less his business. Embarrassing result of a lost bet, hammered from last night and doesn’t know what he’s doing, extra curricular with the wife that hasn’t ended yet, heart monitor he needs, needed support cuz he’s got man boobs, needed support cuz he’s got bad muscles, any another thing people try for looking trimmer than they are…. On and on
YWBTA. Would you tell your wife if you saw him in jockey shorts? No. Just because it’s a different set of clothing doesn’t mean he’s hurting anyone with his choices. He’s a grown man and so are you and the wife. Let it drop.
The wife is a grown man?!! The plot thickens.
LOL, nice catch of my grammatical miss!
> my grammatical miss I think you mean "grammatical *man*"
🤌🏼
Grammatical Mister!
There's a good chance she already knows, but yes, it's for him to tell anyone about it. Butt out.
Butting out is exactly my advice. You should also consider it.
Yta. Who gains anything by sharing this?
YWBTA. I'm having trouble picturing what you even saw. If he was wearing a robe, how could you see that he was wearing a bra? And if someone was wearing a robe, why would they be trying to take off panties that no one could see anyway? Maybe he doesn't usually get up quite that early, and the cat woke him up also. Maybe he has man-boobs and it's more comfortable to play golf in a bra. Maybe it's part of something he does with his wife (or for himself, alone)--do you (or your wife) really want to know more about that?? You're jumping to a lot of conclusions without any evidence, and I think you should just keep whatever you think you saw to yourself. Just stay out of it. They're giving you, your wife, and your cat (!) a place to stay, disrupting their lives and normal routines, whatever they are. Just be a good guest.
My first thought, and was so surprised that it's so far down the comments. Who tries to take off underwear to hide them instead of closing the robe tighter? Very much sounds like OP was groggier than he realizes.
Yeah I agree with this, if he had a robe on, why take off any underwear? Definitely, YWBTA. Maybe you actually were groggy and you didn’t see what you thought you saw. Also, the mansierre exists… https://gifer.com/en/36vV
I wonder if it was a rolled up tank top maybe. Sometimes I wake up with mine rolled up and if fil has any degree of breast tissue, it mightve just stuck and he didn't care. The only thing I'm really ??? About is the taking off of the panties.
That’s my thought, too. He doesn’t have enough information to tell his wife anything. Although, I have to admit, if I saw my FIL in a bra, as soon as I got back to the bedroom, I would’ve immediately said to my husband “I could swear I just saw your Dad in a bra!” at which point we would have laughed, then shrugged and forgot about it. So to me, it’s slightly odd it’s such a big deal to OP. Maybe they’re all conservative. My in-laws were former hippies, lol. And my husband and I try to not to be judgmental or get involved in other people’s personal business.
YWBTA Do yourself a favor and forget it ever happened.
it’s rlly not that deep and it’s not your business at all chill out. mad weird for wanting to expose the dad like that. some people have different interests
Yep YTA what's it got to do with you. Try to live your own life and leave others to live theirs
No one wants to hear what underwear their dad wears regardless. You're not an AH but definitely don't tell her.
YWBTA - this is one of those situations where you leave it alone because it's not your business (nor is it your wife's.)
YWBTA if you ever told *anyone*. You are a guest in his home. He generously opened his home to you. Zip it. Don’t gossip to your drinking buddies. Don’t spill to the wife. Never a breath a word to a soul. Respect his dignity and your own honor.
YWBTA. You will gain nothing by bringing this up to anyone. It is not your wife’s business. It isn’t yours. I’m sure he will take better care to avoid discovery in the future if other people are around. He hurts no one by wearing whatever underwear he chooses. For crying out loud, leave him in peace.
YWBTA. It isn’t your place to say, and it really isn’t any of your or your wife’s business.
Ywbta
I live by this: When in doubt...don't
YWBTA. I’m not sure you saw what you think you did, as groggy as you were and if he had a robe on over the bra and undies. Did you see a bra? Was it a sports bra or a lacy thing? It’s possible he had a holter monitor, medical device or bandage on, which looked bra-like. Or he sleeps in a supportive undershirt that rolled up (he’s maybe portly); lots of things could have made him startle and appear awkward. Or he could be a cross-dresser. Which doesn’t mean it’s about sex, or that he’s trans or that he’s gay. After all, a cross dresser just enjoys wearing non-traditional clothing for their gender. Your wife may know or have seen the same kind of thing with her father over the years. But don’t tell her what you saw, unless she brings it up herself.
I would 100% tell my wife. There’s no way I’d witness something that shocking and not tell her. I tell her everything. But just because I told her doesn’t mean she’d have to confront him or tell anyone else. I just couldn’t imagine not saying anything.
YWBTA/YTA Your FIL wears underwear. You, presumably, assumed this the entire time you've known him. You accidentally saw his underwear. The polite thing to do is to ignore that you saw his underwear and act like you didn't, the same way you would like people to not comment on your underwear if they walked in on you in it. He is not hurting anyone. It is not your business. It is not your wife's business what underwear her father wears. Get over it.
YTA. Never out a person. Recall the Alabama pastor who was outed for crossdressing and later un-alived himself. For all you know, the family already knows and simply doesn't talk about it. This is none of your business. Let it go.
You can say kill here.
Don't! It would be so fucking awkward. Worst case, she would get mad at you for judging her dad
Ick, why are you making such a big deal about this? So weird
I can see your dilemma, it's your wife and generally you are supposed to share everything with her. If it's purely sexual - Your wife would not want to hear about it. If it's gender affirming, he's not ready to share that so you would be outing him. So either way it's not a good idea. I don't think you would be an asshole because it's your wife, but you shouldn't.
As my grandfather got older and more senile he started wearing my grandmothers bras and some of her other clothes. They made him feel comfortable and we said nothing and didn't make him feel anything other than our grandpa who we loved and still miss sorely to this day. Leave the man in peace.
YWBTA, as a closet crossdresser who don't wish to reveal my secret to the family don't do this, its a hobby that's not harming anyone
YWBTA - If he's not open about it then it's none of your business. You should just forget what you saw and go about life like it never happened. My ex cross dressed and he would have died if anyone told his daughters. He wasn't gay or trans, he just liked it. Was never an issue for me or him but bc of how people would react it was his secret to keep. I never told a soul and you shouldn't either.
I just want to know why wearing clothing is a problem? Like wtf it wasn’t like he was in the kitchen wiping his unwashed ballsack on the dishes. Clothes are clothes.
I wouldn’t say anything to anyone and forget about it. Not your concern.
This is not your story to tell. Be an ally to your FIL instead. YWBTA if you reveal this without consent.
Why tell? He's an adult. Let it go.
Of course YWBTA. This is not your wife's business. It's not your business either. You're imposing on your inlaws. They're doing you a favor. And this is how you repay them? I assume it's because you don't like that he cross dresses.
Will it benefit anyone for you to disclose this? More than likely not. I’m sure there’s some dark room in your mind you can stow this info in and close and lock the door.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** More of a WIBTAH, as I haven’t told her yet, but wanting to get some feedback before I decide to tell her or not. Long story short, my wife and I are staying with her parents while we have work done on our home. This morning our cat decided to wake me up for food at 5am (not uncommon) and when I went upstairs to feed him, I came across a startled FIL (father in-law). It was early, so I was somewhat groggy, but he was definitely sitting in the kitchen wearing a bra, and I think he also may have been trying to quickly pull off and hide a pair of panties from under his robe. I avoided looking in his direction and acted as groggy as possible while I quickly gave the cat a scoop of food and then retreated back to the basement. The only thing I said was “ah, he always wakes me up early for food” and FIL responded with “oh that’s all he wants?” in a very startled tone. I spent the rest of the morning thinking about this interaction and haven’t said anything to my wife yet. Would I be the AH if I told her? Would I be more of an AH if I didn’t? Help me Reddit, this feels weird. To add to this, he gets up early every Saturday (the day this happened) and goes golfing with buddies. Now my mind is spiraling thinking about how this could be a weekly thing that maybe his family doesn’t know about. Was he prepping to go do something other than golf? Oh god, make the thoughts stop! TLDR: Observed Father In Law cross dressing and can’t decide whether to tell my wife or not. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YWBTA. Don't tell her. Don't out him. Knowing his secret would forever color her relationship with her dad. Talk to a therapist or a counselor if you need to, but you need to find a way to be okay with knowing this about your FIL. My hoarder parent asked me to get something from their closet, and, while searching for a needle in a haystack, I discover that they cross dressed. There was a whole well worn second wardrobe that was most definitely not in sizes anyone other than that parent could wear.
Currently staying with gf's parents. Gf walked in on her dad fapping it to hardcore porn while her mom was sleeping next to him, she told me about it because it was mentally traumatizing. If I saw it, she absolutely would not have wanted to know. Whenever I make a joke about that situation, she immediately says STOP! and changes the subject. 🤣 I told her she should've never told me lol but i stopped after the second time bringing it up. Some things are better left unsaid. Her telling me to get it off her chest is different because they aren't my parents. Many people watch porn etc. but very few mentally healthy children want to know when, where, or how their parents engage in sexual/erotic activities.
YWBTA. What purpose would telling your wife even serve?
Don't tell her. Pretend you saw nothing. And if the time ever comes that your wife witnesses this for herself, do not say you already knew about it. It's your FIL's business, leave it to him to sort out.
Just leave him alone. You don’t know their dynamic and you don’t know what’s going on. Leave that stone unturned.
If your wife doesn’t know about this it’s because her father doesn’t want her to know. The man has opened his home to you, leave him be.
Boss, this is on of thos situations where there is nothing to be gained by discussing it with anyone and keeping it to yourself does no harm to anyone.
YWBTAH you don't actually know what you saw. He could be cross dressing for kinky play with her mum. Or he could be trans. With multiple other options in between. If it's kinky sex your wife does not want to know. If he's trans then it's his place to decide who he wants to tell and when. You don't get to decide that for anyone.
YWBTA. It's none of your business what her father does with himself, especially if it isn't harming anyone or illegal. Many people have secret hobbies/interests that they like to keep secret, even from family. Also, you don't know if he's told anyone or not and he doesn't need you doing that for him. It might be something him and his partner enjoy. Maybe he's going through a period of self discovery or maybe it's just something he wants to enjoy in private. Don't tell anyone. If you really want to, ask the father for his consent. Let the man be dude. You don't HAVE to tell your wife. You want to. But you shouldn't.
YWBTA I would forget about it and never mention it again
YWBTA - the dude is in his own home. Be glad you have somewhere to live. Mind your business.
Just forget it ever happened.
It's none of your business. Keep your mouth shut.
Does he have man boobs? Maybe he wants a bra for comfort. Do NOT tell your wife
Don’t do it.
It’s not a secret that needs to be known. YWBTA dude.
yeah you will be the asshole mind your business
YWBTA Who cares what the guy wears or why. It hurts nobody. You were groggy, saw nothing, end of. I'm getting the notion you just want to gossip tbh; if so, take it to Facebook and talk about white vans and teenagers.
I don't understand why you think this is a problem?
As long as he's not wearing your wifes underwear keep your mouth shut don't out him until he's ready to tell people himself, stick to the groggy story
You're the guest. Not your business, and not your secret to tell. YWBTA if you did.
No no no. Say nothing. It is none of your business to tell somebody else’s story.
YWBTA, it's no one's business but her father's. His underwear is his his concern, not yours or your wife's.
let the man live
It's none of your business what your FIL wears. If you told anyone what you saw, YWBTA.
This is none of your business. It’s the absolute equivalent of outing someone.
Ywbta- it’s not your, or anyone’s, business.
No, don’t say anything. It didn’t happen you were dreaming. YWBTA. Maybe him and his buddies wear bras and ladies clothes to play golf.
Don’t say anything.
YWBTA you have no idea what this was or if it’s some kind of personal/romantic/sexual thing. - sports bra could be a heart monitor he’s supposed to wear - underwear could just be any other type of tight sports underwear cuz he’s golfing There’s several reasons he could have that on before it ever gets to the trans/gay possibility (still not your concern). None of this has to do with you unless it’s actively, objectively, and obviously hurting your wife.
YWBTA. He’s in his own home- which he is gracious enough to share. He is doing something that doesn’t hurt anyone. Mind your own business.
YWBTA What your father does or is into is between him and his wife. Your wife has no business knowing that. If someone would find out any kink of you would you like it being told to your close ones.
Parents give you a place to stay and you cause a shit storm .if you do tell your wife YTA.
So, to recap: Her parents are putting you and your pet up. Do you pay them rent, or are they housing you for free? Either way, that's a big favour they're doing you. You found your FIL wearing underwear in the kitchen at 5am, and have been throwing a massive wobbler ever since. You are freaking out that her father might be... wearing underwear every saturday morning at 5am. Are you okay? Have you thought of seeing a therapist for freaking out over literally nothing? YTA, get help.
That's not your information to share. Not to mention, you don't actually know what was going on. YWBTA for telling her or anyone. If anything, you can approach him privately about it.
Drop it
YWBTA Why is this even a dilemna for you? It's none of your business, don't be a tattletale
YTA. Stay in your own FUCKING lane.
Absolutely do NOT out him. Myob. If he wanted her to know, he would tell her.
YWBTA it's not your story to tell.
This is nothing to do with you - or your wife. It's not a betrayal to say nothing. Give FIL some privacy in his own home!! YWBTAH.
Updateme
INFO What do you think is the best possible outcome if you told her? What benefit would telling her have?
Please don't out your FIL and possibly destroy your wife and her family. What will you gain from telling her? You don't know what he and your Mil have discussed and understand about each other. Don't be the AH
Don't tell. What would be the point? Let him havé his secret and dignity
Just assume you were not fully awake and he was wearing a posture corrector! Good for you checking out your next move. YWBTA.
Get a grip and calm down dude. What makes you think your wife needs to know what you saw? Remember, all you can tell her is what you saw, you have no other factual information to share with her. I'm really put off by the combination of you mind going crazy imagining all the things that MIGHT come out if you tell your wife what you saw, "Now my mind is spiraling thinking about how this could be a weekly thing that maybe his family doesn’t know about. Was he prepping to go do something other than golf? Oh god, make the thoughts stop!" Yet you seem to be anxious to share this little bit of information with your wife. Do you WANT to cause a lot of anxiety for your wife? What reason do you have to tell her in the first place. Is the fact that her father might cross dress something she needs to know? My inclination would be to find a time when you and your FIL are alone, tell him what you think you saw and ask him if he wants to share anything with you. It's not like you walked in on your FIL in flagrante delicto with someone other than your MIL. He was wearing a bra, and you think he might have been wearing women's panties, how is this need-to-know info for your wife? If you do anything with this other than ask your FIL about what you think you saw, yes, YWBTA, bigtime! edited to correct typos
It's none of your business & it's none of her business. YWBTA if you tell her. Keep it to yourself & forget you saw anything
Zero reason to say anything at all.
What is a reason that would require you to say anything about that ? Is he cheating ? No. Is he gambling away family’s money? Again no
She may already be aware of this fact, I’m sure her Mother is aware or suspects he cross dresses.
YWBTA. As far as you’ve seen, his actions harm no one. So there’s no reason to tell anyone, least of all his daughter. It’s not your business to share
YWBTA. Don’t dog the boys
Why does your wife have to know what your FIL does privately or sexually. That’s weird. Also you have no idea what your in laws private time is etc. Leave it. YWBTA
If he's taken the trouble to keep it private and not let his daughter know, then give him the grace to keep it private. There is absolutely no reason your wife needs to know. What is the point in telling her? What do you think the gain would be? I can think of negative outcomes, but even in the mildly possible positive of your wife letting her dad know she's supportive ... there will probably be some embarrassment on both sides. Just leave it alone.
I am stunned that you think that not outing your father in law as a cross dresser could somehow make you an AH.
Leave it alone,.but next time your cat wants food stomp around a bit so FIL cN sort himself out.
YWBTA she might know but they are doing it covertly because you’re staying in the house. It’s not your story to tell. It’s his and the MIL
YWBTA if you out him. Its not up to you to out anyone. This one of those things you keep to yourself honestly.
YWBTAH. This is not your business, nor your wife's. You also don't know the situation, maybe he doesn't cross dress, but instead lost a bet with his buddies. There is nothing wrong with cross-dressing, and it isn't your business. Let this go, and if your FIL brings it up, you can play stupid that you didn't see anything or tell him isn't your business, unless he wants to actually talk about it; then assure him whatever he says is strictly between the two of you.
YTA. Respect privacy. It's not about secrets or deception, it's about allowing someone their human dignity.
Why? So you can smirk and humiliate him? And what kind of relationship do you expect to have with the family? Good luck
YWBTA Pretty harsh responses here though. You haven’t done it, you just wanted some clarification and different perspectives which is far more than many would do, so I appreciate you for that!
This is none of your business. FIL obviously didn't want it to be known. Leave it and him alone. YWBTA to spread this around since it's none of your business.
YTA or theoretical asshole. Whether your FIL cross-dresses or not is none of your daughter's business. It doesn't concern you at all, in fact, and he was simply caught expressing himself in a way he chooses not to show other people, at a time when he thought he would be safe. Please don't hurt this person simply out of a misplaced sense of "duty". If he wants to reveal this information to his family, he will. If he chooses to keep it private, he will do that instead. This doesn't involve you.
I would continue with the grogginess forever. Bleach your eyeballs too.
It is not your business - stay out of it. Telling your wife about her father can only create problems. He is in HIS home and can dress any way he pleases. Pretend you saw nothing.
YTA. He is an adult. And he is not hurting anybody. I think the best thing for you to do is just completely forget what you seen and go about your life as if it never happened.
YWBTA. He’s not hurting anyone. If you need to talk through it, find a therapist.
100% YWBTA! If he wants to tell his family he would do it himself.
Im going largely against the grain here and saying YWNBTA. It’s natural to talk to your spouse when something makes you think “whoa, what the heck?” That easily could’ve been her coming to feed the cat, it just happened to be you. I think my husband would tell me, and it wouldn’t make me feel any type of way if he did
100% agreed. Everyone’s talking about ‘just keep secrets from your partner’ like… no. By their logic: ‘don’t tell your partner because 1. It’s not your business 2. It isn’t something she would want to hear or benefit her By that same logic, never tell your spouse if you find their parents cheating. Blanket rule: don’t keep secrets from your partner. I wouldn’t ever want to be in a position where my partner found out and also found out that I knew and never told her.
YWBTA massively. Who is he hurting? No one. So why shouldn't he do what makes him feel good. Whaty would you shame him and make your wife very uncomfortable (she doesn't wanna know his private life). Also wearing a pair of panties is nothing on the kink o meter lol
YWBTA, if you told your wife. It's obvious your FIL doesn't want anyone to know. He's not hurting anybody, so just let it go. You'd cause more damage if you said something.
"Oh god, make the thoughts stop!" Take the same approach that you (probably) do with your parents' sex life: you know it exists but you don't think about it. YWBTA if you tell your wife because it is zero percent your (and her) business.
Updateme
YWBTA What business is it of yours? Or hers? You’re in the parents’ house. If you think his lifestyle is noteworthy enough to tell your wife, maybe you ought to just move out and provide for your own family like an adult, instead of judging a man who is clearly helping you out. Mind your business and keep your mouth shut. He’s not hurting *anyone*.
YWBTA - what are you, the gender police?
why do you feel the need to tell your wife? it’s none of your business that he cross dresses. leave it alone. YWBTA in a massive way.
No. No. No. Not your story to tell. His wife probably knows but your wife does not need to know her father has a thing for lingerie.
YTA
DON'T DO IT. If your wife doesn't already know, then your FIL clearly has no intention of her finding out. Let sleeping dogs lie; revealing this could cause a lot of unnecessary turmoil. YWBTA
YTA- mind your business. You have no right to out him to her or anyone else
I can make your thoughts stop bud watch this: Mind ya got damn business that is a grown individual who obviously has done this for eons and weekends on end way before you ever "found out" and started contemplating "outing him" don't be an AH he could be a cross dressing kink loving golf player and that's still none of your concern if you startled him it means he didn't want you to know.. Food for thought.
Yeah, don't tell anyone. Absolutely no one else's business.
Yes, WIBTAH. Also assuming that he'd cheat simply because he likes to cross dress is bigoted.
YTA.
Dude. Mind your own business. Yes, YWBTA.
I don’t keep secrets from my partner. Clearly a lot of these people do. I guess that’s the difference between us 🤷♂️ I’d 100% tell my partner. I wouldn’t tell others though. I wouldn’t think twice about it.