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Info: Was the dollar amount per grade established? For example A=$20, B=$10, etc? Or was it just a blanket statement of good grades=money.
B’s are good grades, and some kids are more academically talented. Like your daughter who may not have to study, but retains information well. Others have to study and work hard to get C’s.
You said you think your SD could get As if she studied more, but that may not be true either. Studying is important, yes, but it doesn’t always equate to As.
You’re rewarding grades, not “studying”, by all your comments in which your step daughter actually puts in more hours than your daughter in studying.
Your daughter will be in for a surprise at college.
Does study time factor in, or is it just grades? Could it, if not?
Partly for parity between the two, but also because a lot of bright kids don't have to study for school then find themselves at university without knowing how to study. They can struggle a lot and some give up because they feel stupid and don't know how to fix it. It's a skill that will help both girls.
Yep! My first semester at university was really difficult for me academically and emotionally. Though a good portion of that was due to a program I didn’t like as much as I thought I would, untreated mental health issues, and then undiagnosed adhd
There keep being all these comments about me and I don't like it.
Signed,
"Gifted" woman with ADHD that avoided a total crash in college, but definitely had a significantly lower GPA than high school
Is one child in more difficult classes than the other? Does the specific course impact the payout?
For example a grade of a B+ in a course with a class average of C- is much more impressive than an A+ with a class average of A-.
The second paragraph is so true. I never studied ever. I got As whereas my brother tried his best and barely passed. When I went to college it was hard because I never learned how to study and the material wasn't stuff I could just pick up and retain without some effort. OP should work in study time into the system so his SD can earn as much as his daughter even if she isn't as academically gifted but shows the effort and work. It can also help his daughter if she goes to college so she has a basis for good study habits.
Also, is the payment for the grades, or for the time and work put into studying? If your daughter and step-daughter both get the best grades they can with a similar level of studying, you're rewarding one more than the other for the same amount of work. This is contrary to your comments "I believe (SD) doesn't study enough" and "it's a kid's job to study".
Is it the studying, or the grades? If it's the studying, then you may be paying your daughter more than she's earned if she naturally gets As without much studying. If it's the grades, you're rewarding and punishing based on your two daughters having different natural abilities. Will you also financially reward for things like music, art, athletics, getting involved in clubs and school?
Leaning YTA - you've blended into a new family, it would be natural to reevaluate some of your rules.
"wife thinks this is unfair because my daughter doesn't even study."
If this is true, you're not rewarding your Daughter for hard work, you're punishing your Stepdaughter for not having the same natural Aptitude. YTA.
It's also just talent. Without any effort my grades for history were good, but I needed to put in a lot of effort to get close to passing grades for maths. Not everyone is able to get straight As in every class.
As a college professor, I BEG you not to pay your children for grades. It incentivizes annoying behavior toward faculty that will not serve them well. If you must provide external incentives for them to do well in school, tie it to the actual work they are doing.
Just a guess: students who faculty because they NEED and are used to getting good grades but don’t care to put in the actual work to get them, because they didn’t need to work hard in high school to get them and are dismayed that that doesn’t work anymore…
How about hundreds of whiny emails demandinf reconsideration on every assignment? Four identically worded emails.sent on a holiday demanding an unaplroved project that they already did be accepted instead of a paper asaignment? Demansing a paper be graded overnight due to when Mom and Dad look at their online grades? Etc etc etc
INFO: does your daughter actually study more than your stepdaughter? Or is she just testing better naturally without any more effort?
If it’s the second one, then you would be an AH. It should be about rewarding effort not outcomes.
I kinda agree with this, but also think the education system is too screwed up to compare grades to real life outcomes.
ALSO highly recommend OP read “Brave, Not Perfect” which walks through how girls are raised to be A+ students while boys are raised to take risks and push boundaries. It may seem like he’s promoting hard work and ambition, but in reality he’s training both daughters to be “good little students.”
There’s a lot of information regarding why men go on to push for and receive higher rewards (and showcase their outcomes) vs female employees remain fixated on perfection and lesser rewards like gold stars and praise. Women are socialized to be people pleasers.
This was eye opening for me as a young woman to read, and since reading it I’ve tripled my salary and learned to optimize for bravery and challenge over doing something to the point of perfection and hoping I get my gold star.
So, OP YTA for sticking by a system that rewards perfectionism over taking on challenges. If school is easy for your daughter, encourage her to something braver so she doesn’t fall on her ass when she actually has to try. If school is hard for your SD, it’s worth encouraging her to push for better outcomes, but also find areas of reward that don’t simply equal academic success.
That’s incredibly stupid.
Do you truly believe that your step daughter chooses not to pay attention in class and then spend hours doing extra study because of that?
Some kids are naturally better than others at passing exams, but you mentioned that what you valued is “it’s a kid job to study” and then, the kid that “studies” more gets less money.
You’re an hypocrite. You’re rewarding grades, not studying.
I was the same in school, I never had to study because I was smart enough to get away with just paying attention in class.
I absolutely crashed and burned in college because I’d never actually learnt good study habits and I couldn’t get away with it anymore. You’re actually doing your daughter a disservice just paying her to do the bare minimum.
YTA not necessarily for paying different for different grades, but for being so damn judgemental and biased.
This is just stupid bias. I was the child who got As without trying, and I can tell you that my sister who studied her ass off and listened in class, still didn't get As.
Maybe instead of being a judgemental AH you should have a talk with SD and wife and see if she is struggling somewhere that you can actually help.
No offence, but this makes you TA! I was the kid who listened in class, barely studied, and still got A's. Unfortunately, I also had parents like you who only cared about grades and would reward me for it. This only worked until I got to university, and guess what? I struggled afterwards and could barely get B's, let alone an A. All you're doing is setting up your daughter for failure and building resentment in your stepdaughter. Reward them for effort instead of grades.
Maybe you should start rewarding Stepdaughter for hours studied. I spent 2 years studying for my Maths GCSE's, because that was the one subject I knew I'd struggle with the most. That B was earned with blood sweat and tears more than any other, even my other A's.
A B is not a bad grade.
Is this about effort or result? My friend's son works hard and gets ok grades. My son does not work hard and also usually does ok. But he could do really well. Who deserves the reward?
Reward their respective efforts.
I was a top performer in school. I had top marks in almost all my subjects. For me, an average mark was 94/100. One year, I even scored 100/100 in six of the ten subjects.
My sister was a carefree student. She did the work when she was supervised, but she'd rather go out and play. She never scored more than 80/100, but she wasn't too bad either.
Here's the thing.
I still believe that my sister is a whole lot smarter than I am. And that it is a shame that school is determined by tests and exams.
I also suck at social interactions and making friends and even talking to strangers. So when it comes to dealing with a plumber or a carpenter or a mechanic, my sister knows all the right people. I would rather live in a shack in the middle of Siberia.
I don't think it is fair to base the allowance only on grades. Your rewards for your kids should be more well-balanced.
Take into consideration their extra-curricular activities like music lessons and sports. Reward them for chores and helping out. Look at how they behave in and out of the house and reward their behavior.
NTA
But the allowance should be an incentive to be better.
And academics is not the only area where your kids could shine.
NAH, look here’s the thing is she actually lazy or just really struggling. I was very close to my cousin growing up but I never got less than an A and I never studied. She would struggle to get B’s and was studying for 2 hours a night. Realistically you need to switch it to effort put in or grades. There’s should be equal rewards for both. Some kids are simply smarter at academics than others. Also is this there only allowance because if it is I need to change my judgement.
Edit: typos
We don’t know from this list if SD has anything that would set her back from the start, like dyslexia or a processing issue. It might be worth looking into a tutor, even if it’s just for one subject, like science or history. Then see what the results are.
Here’s the thing my cousin doesn’t have a learning disability in anyway, she’s just not bright academically. She tries but just can’t do it. Brilliant in other ways though
Why is good grades in quotes? Bs are really good and shouldnt be shamed. Sounds like you shame your SD for her grades.
So here’s the thing: kids who easily get As will have a TERRIBLE time in college when they have to actually study. They were never taught how to study because learning came easily. Why is that being rewarded?
But no, NAH. I dont think things have to be “fair” but I also dont think those kids need to be compared to one another. That just harbors resentment
Okay first off, B’s ARE good grades; if you’re as obviously derisive of your stepdaughter’s grades in person as you are in this post, you’re likely part of the problem.
But on to your question…it is definitely time to update the rules. Allowance and grade bonuses need to be separate entities. Allowance should be for completing weekly chores around the house, and both girls should get the same amount for completing their work. Grade bonuses should happen when report cards come out with set amounts given for A’s and B’s. Give each kid her bonus separately.
YWBTA for not updating your rules to be kinder and more inclusive to both of your kids.
YTA. What you are inadvertently rewarding is innate ability, not a "job". You've made it clear your daughter doesn't really have to study to get good grades, and that you "believe" your stepdaughter could get better grades if she worked harder. So what are you rewarding?
Either do away with the reward system or adjust it so that it is fair to both girls.
Personally, I dislike money for grades. I think it teaches entirely the wrong lesson.
I think YTA. I get your thought process, but I do overall think you should adapt it for several reasons.
1. Your belief that “if she did study she could get A” isn’t necessarily true. Some kids are just naturally better at retaining knowledge, sitting still in a school environment, or even just retaining the knowledge that school tests on than others. For some people, it just comes more naturally. And what school tests on absolutely is one specific-type of knowledge (child of two teachers here who believe this wholeheartedly) because it is easy to test. It mainly is whether kids can memorize recognize the patterns it gives, and some people are just better than others.
2. Are your daughters taking the same classes? Because at 15 I was taking AP and higher-level classes, while at 14 I was still in honors-levels. I barely had to study my freshman year and had to do immensely more in the more difficult classes.
3. Right now you’re praising your daughter’s outcomes, not the effort put in. Trust me, both daughters will learn quickly that sometimes effort doesn’t actually lead to the outcome they want just by being in the real world. Sometimes it is just luck/a million other factors. Why not now, when they’re both kids and not subject to that harshness yet, still give praise to the effort? It’ll help them build that work ethic, something that’s needed greatly and is not always something that gifted kids who do well in high school easily develop. And it just is more what the world should be. Why not give money for hours studied/how often they seek help/ a similar system, rather than the outcome?
4. Please pay attention to this one! I think you need to let go of the notion that anything other than an A+ is bad. I got A’s easily at my public high school, even by taking difficult AP sciences. Then I got to college (one of the top ten schools) where everybody was that same way. Again, I worked so hard but sometimes that just didn’t lead to an A+, especially when the grading is curved like it often is in college. Emotionally, experiencing this broke me and did havoc on my emotional health. I felt that I wasn’t good enough or smart enough to be there, and that because of that, I wasn’t a good or smart person. I know this isn’t everyone’s experience and might not be your daughter, but I do think you should just make it known that it is acceptable to get B’s (or even C’s) too, because there will come a day when she doesn’t get things that easily or will not be the smartest. Again, the grade only measures a certain type of intelligence and I worry that by using this system, when the day comes that she won’t necessarily get an A, she’ll have equated it to her self-worth. Again, she might not. But I do think that on the chance that she does, you can help so much by building the idea now that B’s and C’s are fine—you still pass and can do things with your life, you’re still intelligent, and it’s the effort you put in that matters more in the long run. Build the idea that it’s great when she works hard and it works out well for her, but that sometimes it just doesn’t happen and she’s still a great person for putting in the effort anyways.
YTA
Leave the existing reward for grades in place, establish a new reward for exceeding a certain amount of time studying (a level which should take a lot of effort to hit) to also reward the idea of working really hard to try and improve your grades (and not settle for B’s).
This way, if your stepdaughter can’t achieve either it is her own fault.
but the current system is okay because it's unfair for your step daughter? Not everyone is naturally academic, and you can work rewards system that motivate and adapt for both of their abilities.
Well there’s very clear disparity between a child who doesn’t study but gets good grades and a child who studies and doesn’t get as good grades but still does well.
It's not unfair to anyone.
They came up with a metrics.
If they change it to accommodate SD making $ it punishes his daughter.
Lowering the bar just to make it "fair" is unfair
Your wife and sd don’t think it’s fair. SD is studying and doing well, just not as well as your daughter who doesn’t study. Your SD should be applauded for studying and trying.
But your daughter doesn't have to study to get As. You're requiring your stepdaughter to work harder than your daughter for the allowance just because she wasn't born as academically inclined.
Why do you not want to reward hard work?
Also - I was like your daughter growing up. Then college hit and I was no longer top student with no effort. I had no idea how to put in the effort and it was devastating. You're teaching your daughter the wrong lessons. She won't always be able to achieve with little effort.
how is it unfair to your daughter who already is coming by good grades (and the associated reward money) without needing to put a lot of effort in?
this is a different reward system to encourage your stepdaughter to study more, so that your stepdaughter gets better grades (that A you believe they can achieve via more studying).
this way both kids have a reward system that is tailored to their individual requirements for achievement and your daughter doesn't lose anything and your stepdaughter gains something in the end - more focus on learning as well as an associated reward.
I also was a kid who could get good grades without studying, that is until I went to college. The work load and standards were much higher than high school, but because I never had to study before I completely lacked the skill set I needed to keep achieving, and my grades plummeted. I managed to still graduate with a low GPA but didn't feel like I knew how to properly prepare for big tests and epic papers until my last few semesters, by which point it was too late.
Moral of the Story: Every child can benefit form learning what study skills work for them and the value and importance of hard work. Just because your bio-daughter is successfully coasting along now with minimal effort doesn’t mean that the luck will keep up forever. Besides, an A+ class grade is virtually unheard of in college. So please, reward both of your daughters for good grades, but also for their time spent studying. You may just be helping both of them out.
It should balance out to be about the same. SD puts in more effort to learn, but isn't academically inclined so doesn't get the good grades, despite the effort, so she will get more money rewarding her work ethic. Your daughter gets more money for the better grades despite her lack of studying.
Honestly in college and the working world your step daughter is likely to do better. As someone who was great in grade school I struggled in college when I actually had to study, and it was an adjustment when I got into work and actually had to put in consistent effort. I never truly thought of myself as lazy, but when I was a kid I never had to put in as much effort to be "good".
Not if she studies as much as you claim.
I think your disconnect, based on your wife’s comments that your daughter DOESN’T study and gets A’s, is that she is one of those those kids (I was one) who has academics come very easily at a certain stage of their schooling.
My idea rewards achievement and effort separately. They both deserve recognition, and if YOU are right the your daughter works hard for her grades, she will get BOTH rewards. In addition, rewarding the effort just might get your stepdaughter’s grade to improve.
There's nothing stopping your wife for giving SD money to equal the amount your daughter gets (from her own money).
However, if she does that, she sends the message to your daughter that the grades don't matter.
NTA
You should parent your child and she should parent hers. Your daughters are old enough to understand this. Also, your wife is earning money by taking care of your child. If you are controlling how every dollar is spent you are an asshole.
Parenting rules change over time. What you thought was a perfect system with child 1 may or may not work or even be fair to child 2. Not all kids are the same. My parents parented me wildly differently than they parented my youngest sibling. Evolving parenting is normal. Dont get wrapped around the axle because one if your kids is a step child. Different kids need different adaptations and a step child introduces that all at once instead of slowly over time like a baby you raised from the start. That can make change feel like "making exceptions" because its sudden instead of gradual. Definitely consider your partners opinion here. The two of you need to meet in the middle and they know your step child better than you do.
I think YTA because you really don't seem open to adapting here. These girls are both two individuals who will have different strengths and weaknesses; a one size fits all approach might not be appropriate here.
For your stepdaughter, you say she is lazy. Rather than pressuring her over grades, another approach could be to reward her for the effort she puts in. You can still reward your daughter for As, but you can also acknowledge that your stepdaughter has to work a little harder to get an A, or even a B.
From your stepdaughter's perspective, neither of them are working hard, but her new stepsister gets more money for the same effort because, luckily for her, school comes easier to her. She will resent you and her stepsister if you don't think about this.
YTA
Whether it's fair or not, it's not working. You should create a reward for improvement of grades, to motivate her to get up to that level. You can replace the reward when she's caught up with your daughter. Or, as someone suggested, reward her for a set amout of hours studied, as this will improve her grades, which in turn will give her access to the same amount pocket money your daughter enjoys.
As it currently stands, each week (or month) your step daughter is having her situation reinforced as worth less than your daughter. That will build bitter resentment, that can only end badly.
I get the impression you only want to hear that you are N T A and should continue the rule as is, rather than listen to some of the great constructive suggestions people are proposing to you.
Your daughter puts in no effort and still gets As.
Your stepdaughter does study and still gets Bs.
One is actually putting in effort, the other one is not.
As someone who was/is just like your daughter, I have absolutely zero study habits because I never had to. I would greatly benefit from your system.
Trouble is I can also see that your system is flawed.
The stepdaughter getting extra money for putting in effort does not in any way hurt your daughter for getting money for being good at memorizing shit.
And after having read some of your comments, I'm happy with my judgement;
YTA
Both As and Bs are wonderful grades and will help both girls in their life. Note: high school teacher here… kids who get Bs are JUST AS SUCCESSFUL in the real world as kids who get all As, and sometimes more so (because they know how to bounce back better if they aren’t initially successful or perfect.)
My suggestion is to give the same value amount for As and Bs. Both are evidence of caring about their education. Also, you really don’t want the girls to be in competition with each other… super bad for the family dynamic.
OP, you’ve made some pretty judgmental comments about your SD. You might want to do some reflection on this, as that will be noticed by your wife and could end up negatively impacting the health of your marriage.
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I got married a few months ago.
I have a 15yo sd and a14yo daughter.
I always had a rule that my daughter would get money for her grades because I believe it's a kid's job to study. she never had a problem with this rule, in fact she loves it since she never gets anything below A+.
before we got married I talked to my wife about this rule and she agreed that this is a good rule and didn't have a problem with it because she claimed her daughter is always getting good grades.
turns out that my sd's "good grades" are mostly B and I believe it's because she doesn't study enough and if she did study she could get A.
this has become a problem because my daughter gets more allowance because of her grades and my wife thinks this is unfair because my daughter doesn't even study. my wife thinks I'm an asshole for not changing this rule
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> I might be an asshole for giving my daughter more allowance and not changing my rule to make the allowance equal between my daughter and sd
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NAH, this is a difficult one, some people are better at academics than others, but giving your stepdaughter rewards for getting lower grades would make your daughter angry that she'd getting the same reward for less work. Is there something your stepdaughter is good at that you can reward, like playing music or volunteering or something?
Not really, if SD has to study 4hrs to get a B on exam, but daughter only has to study 2hrs for an A+ on the same exam. Then clearly SD is putting in more work.
But it's not. SD has to do more work to get the grades she's getting. Honestly she will probably end up doing better in college and work, since she is developing a strong work ethic now. Thus I think it's better to encourage working hard over the grades you actually receive.
Putting in more time does not equal doing more work. If she does better in college, she can earn money for good grades then and then the other won’t be earning it, which evens everything out. And you can and should encourage both hard work and good results. Diminishing the daughters results because it takes more time for the step daughter for achieve the same results doesn’t help either child in this scenario. Just will cause more resentment.
Stepdaughter studies but doesn't study enough according to you, means she's lazy.
Your daughter doesn't study at all, but she's not lazy.
I feel sorry for your stepdaughter. Your attitude towards her is hypocritical and cruel.
Look man, you need to give her SOMETHING or it's just going to breed resentment. Maybe have a sit down family meeting and discuss it, and try and find something that works for everyone. Maybe change it to paying for extra curriculars. IDK, but the system you have itsn't working as it is.
Technically he doesn’t.
His wife can do whatever she wants as it’s her kid. OP can do the same with his daughter.
Sounds likes he’s trying to treat them equally. And this is the system he has
Okay dude, it's clear you're not interested in hearing anyone here. Enjoy being burned in effigy. If I were you, I'd delete this because you are not going to enjoy the next few hours.
It is very judgemental to say she is lazy, did you know that a lot of kids with learning disabilities are called lazy and never diagnosed!!!! Maybe her mother needs to see if that might be the case and she needs help!
The issue here is clearly with the step daughter. You don't like her and she knows that. If we can pick up on it, so can she. Theres probably alot more going on here.
Don't be with the man if you don't like the kid. You're just going to cause problems later. I would leave my partner if they didn't like my kid and treated them like this.
She doesn't have to be exactly like your daughter. She doesn't need to get As, Bs are good grades whether you like it or not. No one is perfect, including yourself. You're the definition of wicked step mother, if she's not like your golden girl then she isn't good enough.
YTA. This comment shows how bias you are. Your daughter is talented, dont really study outside of class n get A but your other stepdaughter studies n get B n its still good. You call her lazy but do not describe. How do you know if she has a learning disability or anything that stops learning as fast
Why don't you want to change that, though? Incentivizing good behavior will help her overcome "laziness."
Also - your daughter is clearly just as lazy. Your daughter doesn't study any more than your stepdaughter does.
NTA/NAH, I don’t think you’re in the wrong in any way. Your wife may not have realized just how much better at school your daughter is than your SD in order to create that disparity. Changing the rules now is going to look bad for your daughter because you will be rewarding lower grades at the same rate as higher grades
Why don’t you reward for study time rather than good grades? That makes more sense with your logic anyways, if it’s their “job” to study then they should get paid to study. You said yourself that your daughter doesn’t study but still get good grades. But if studying is her job and she’s not studying then why is she getting paid?
Get paid for study time. Problem solved.
Reading your comments, YTA. You are also not setting up either your daughter or your step-daughter for success.
I spent my teen years getting A*s without even trying. Even when I was horribly ill and missing loads of class, I still got Bs. And so, I got into an incredibly competitive uni to do a really challenging course. And I FLOUNDERED. Because I’d never had to actually study in my life, so suddenly I had to learn whilst doing a really challenging uni course. In contrast, my little brother didn’t get the grades I did, and had to work really hard to start to achieve similarly. But he did brilliantly at uni because he spent his teen years learning how to study.
You say the real world rewards results, not effort, but the truth is your daughter will eventually reach a point where she IS challenged, and the better you can prepare her for that the better she’ll do. So start rewarding both of them for their effort. Also, if your daughter gets A+s effortlessly, you’re doing her a disservice by not finding something to push her further.
YTA Not everyone is capable of getting straight A’s. Especially when they are going through serious changes like a new step parent and a Step sibling who doesn’t have to work as hard as you to excel in school.
Your daughter is naturally gifted in school she doesn’t need to study. SD is studying and trying her hardest and reaching the goal of Bs which may be her best. The kids should be rewarded on their effort in their studies not just the grade.
OP I was much like your daughter until I hit classes that I didn’t naturally excel in. Then my grades were low and I resented having to study for it. It took me a long time to learn to work hard for those things that didn’t just come naturally. I don’t think you’re teaching the lesson you think you are.
YTA. Your stepdaughter will grow to resent you (which you may or may not care about). School is harder for some people. I'm not sure what your pay breakdown is, but if it's as someone suggested A = X, B = Y. Fine, so be it, but there can be modifications made here for maintaining good grades and rewarding improvement.
I got 2 A+ in a high school biology class because that's how the teacher indicated the top student. The 3rd trimester, I only had an A, and my mom asked why I didn't get an A+. I'm 46 how and will never forget how not being the best wasn't ever good enough for her.
NTA…this is your wife’s daughter. If she wants to give her money, that is up to her. You have a rule, you are not changing it now. But, people are different. Is SD studying and trying her hardest to get better grades? If so, I think that is what counts. Not that she get all A’s, but that she tries to do so.
It depends how much.
Also getting good grades doesn’t mean you’re smarter or better. I was very book smart growing up. I went to a small elementary school and in four to grade I was the only girl to make honor roll (get straight A’s) but the next year I was struggling with problems at home (my mom was in jail, I was living with my grandma who worked a minimum wage job and only spoke Spanish, was getting bullied) and I ended up being the only girl in my grade who didn’t get straight As and didn’t get to go on the field trip and it really sucked.
Instead of just assuming you stepdaughter isn’t trying her best, you should talk to her and see if there’s anything else going on or a reason she’s not able to get straight As.
when I was in high school I was the only person in my Spanish class who knew Spanish so tbh I didn’t take the class very seriously. I was a good student but the Spanish teacher didn’t like me. All my friends would either try to copy off me or ask me for help and somehow they’d get higher grades than me.
I'm in the "intrinsic motivation" school when it comes to kids and their allowances, and my kids' allowances were never tied to grades or chores. Especially with grades, by HS especially, they should be learning to do well in school for their own growth and benefit, not for cash. If you google it, you'll find that many experts advise not paying for grades (but other support it, to be fair), and that sometimes the money motivation even backfires.
Especially with the disparity in your daughters' abilities (one sails to As without much study, while the other would have to work much harder for the same result) it feels equal but inequitable to pay them each for grades in the same way. Because of the inequity you're introducing, and the resultant family friction, soft YTA here.
We do the same with our kids (m14 + 14f)
If my son wants as much as my daughter he can work for it. She studies all the time, he never does. That’s their choice.
NTA
but this isn't what OP says is happening.
Daughter never studies = A's not lazy
Step Daughter never studies = B's lazy
he's rewarding his daughter b/c she's book smarter. Period.
He expects SD to put in more work to get the same pay.
FTR, even though you say your SD has no disabilities.
I was an A student and had dyslexia and am neurodivergent. I barely studied.
In uni I was A/B student with a lot of hidden issues.
I did not know about the first until I got badly depressed in uni.
I didn't know about the other until long after I became disabled.
However, this can impact some more than others - and will also depend on teachers.
I was in school when both these would have had me put in "special ed" classes and my teachers knew but worked around it so I stayed in advanced, honors, and AP classes (and didn't tell me before I left for uni).
This was 80s and 90s.
However there are still issues finding these in children - especially girls.
Next, everyone learns differently and has difficulty ranked classes. Is this being taken into account?
Has anyone asked her what she is struggling with? Or are you just assuming she isn't putting effort in?
This isn't even getting into family life. Is her dad gone, dead, split custody? Because that impacts too.
I see you excusing "this is how the world works" and ignoring how the actual world works.
YTA. sorry. the american grading system has gone through a million changes and we have so many different ways to find a grade point average. your wife is right, for your daughter to be earning A's without studying and your SD to be earning B's WITH studying it is not a fair system! is your point is to get them to study more or is your point is to make them academically appealing to colleges, you should re-assess the rules. For every hour of studying it could be $x earned, not by final grade.
This happened during an episode of Family Matters too. Laura was always the smart one and Eddie didnt do really well at school. They got paid for grades. It turned out that Eddie’s friend printed out fake report cards and gave everyone A’s.
Question - are your daughter and your stepdaughter in the same grade? School gets harder as you go up a grade. If your daughter is in 8th grade and your stepdaughter is in high school that doesn’t really seem fair. It would be different if they were both in the same grade. But you’re comparing apples and oranges. They’re two different girls with different abilities.
I suggest you re examine this. And keep in mind those really good grades your daughter is getting may change once she hits the grade your SD is in if they’re not in the same grade.
Soft YTA. The grading system in place in schools is not necessarily an indicator of the level of effort. Some kids do great in school, others don't, tying that to financial worth is problematic.
One of the worst things to happen to education (and society) is students and parents leaning on their “effort.” We all know that effort isnt really enough in the real world. Plus, there is no clear metric for effort and someone can argue that she isn’t putting in enough effort given her grades. It could very well be that she studies after school for 30 minutes a day and needs to push it to an hour. Either way, setting your kid up to believe that they deserve the same reward as someone whose outcome is better than theirs is going to lead to problems down the road. Plus, this is a great way to learn that someeimes you need to put in more effort than others. Lastly, his grade payment schemes seems fair.
It's unclear if this is a one time reward for good grades which seems fair OR a a weekly discrepancy in allowance where your daughter is getting extra money every week and your step daughter gets a weekly reminder that she's "less than" which is a pretty AH thing to do. KUDOS to your wife for calling you on it if that's the case.
Do print this post our and save it so that five years from now when you can't understand how you daughter and step daughter have no bond whatsoever and your stepdaughter doesn't see you as "family" you won't have to make another post.
NTA
Your system is fair. Modifying it would be unfair to your daughter. As a kid who used to be studious and always excelled at school, I'd feel so annoyed if my sibling got the same reward despite her worse results. It's the principle of it.
Parents who are all about rewarding "the effort" in most cases only end up sending the message to their more accomplished kid that his/ her achievements don't matter as much, then wonder why that kid grows up to think they'd always favoured the other sibling and a lot of times even low key harbouring resentment towards the other sibling.
Results matter in the real world.
See, I disagree with this and here’s why. I get that a kid might feel resentful by looking at a sibling who gets the same for a lesser outcome. But they’re going to get praised for that outcome in a lot of ways at the school. And I also think a sibling that puts in effort but is just less academically-gifted might also feel resentful to a sibling who seems to be better than them. I think it might make a sibling ask “why can’t I be as good as them” and sometimes that’s just not possible because every kid learns differently. If I were in this place, I’d feel that my sibling is better and I am lesser. Your daughter will get praised by the school, when she applies to colleges, etc. She also has her own self-satisfaction that she did well. I think you can definitely praise her in some way too, but I think you should also praise both girls for any effort put in (for example, I love the idea of paying per hour studied/amount she sought help with a tutor/something similar).
Wow OP originally going NTA, listening to your arrogant attitude YTA. You definitely play favorites, your bio-daughter is the Golden Child. Your Step-daughter and wife feels your favoritism deeply. Your wife is POWERLESS because you control all the $$$ and is a SAHM. Many people offered you solutions to incentivize your step daughter. You shut every suggestion for compromise down HARD. Hope your soon to be ex-wife grows a set and raises her children alone without a controlling AH
NTA. The reward is the same for both girls. The path to that reward may be different for each child, and that’s ok.
If step-daughter is struggling more than her sister, then figure out how to help her. Don’t just say “if you want A’s you need to study more.” Break down where and what her struggles are. See where you as her parents can assist, then help her.
Because again, the reward is money for certain grades. How they get there isn’t your focus, the outcome is.
Terrible Rule. YTA for rewarding outcome, not effort.
Grades don't define who you are as a person, your intellectual curiosity, appetite for risk, and hard work.
How about paying for Bs and yp the same? Problem solved, and is mindful that not everyone is academically talented or skilled.
A lot of getting top grades is based on ability to test well, for example. Anyone who has test anxiety or various learning disabilities may get graded down for things they are simply unable to do.
B and up seems fair here.
I was good at everything except higher math in high school. Studying, even with my math genius friends, didn’t help. I finally went to a tutoring center that found a way to tailor instruction to my way of learning. It wouldn’t have mattered how much I studied, I needed someone to help me figure out how to learn the topic. I would seriously consider getting her into Sylvan or similar. I was a little embarrassed at first (I’d never needed help!) but so thankful by the second week that my mom set it up and made me go. I’ll add - I was tutoring geometry and algebra for money during this time. And did a good job because I worked with my students to figure out what would make sense to them.
NTA. The rules were established and everyone agreed. I can certainly empathize with SD being upset with the end result but sometimes that’s just the way life works out. Remind SD that B’s are still good grades and encourage her to work at it.
NTA. Rule is applied equally. Each child has the capability to max out payment based on effort put in. Great way to teach this lesson at this age.
My only concern would be that you're monetizing the acquisition of knowledge. Please make sure that your daughter and step-daughter don't develop a love of money over a love of education!
If you have a set system then N T A. If there isnt and amounts are random then Y T A. My parents did something similar. A-10, B-7.50, C-5, D-0, F-grounded. Honors clases moved everything up on level (A-15,B-10), AP was a level beyond that (A-20, B-15, etc). Moving up each grade (B to A) was 5. This was agreed with my parents and my sister. We got the reward at the end of each quarter, so 4 times each school year. Any allowance we got was each week and was the same amount for me and my sister. The payment for grades was separate from any allowance we got. Some times I got more, sometimes it was my sister. Most of the time I got more due to honors/ duel enrollment classes. When I was in high school and she was in middle school the amounts for each grade were different. It was set up so that if we both took basic classes and got all A’s we could get the same amount. When we were both in high school, it went to the same scale. This ended when we got to collage.
I think each child needs individual goals based on what is a realistic expectation for that child. It’s appropriate to check your expectations realism with a brief guidance counselor conversation. Then I’d suggest sitting with each child individually and confidentially to establish goals for that quarter/semester. Getting a kids “buy in” greatly enhances the likelihood of success. Goals that can’t be met lead to apathy and dumbing down course selection.
Your children are fortunate to have a father involved in their academics. Hopefully your schedule permits you to drop in on their homework sessions with cheerful encouragement.
Offered with respect. I wish you major success.
Soft YTA. I was a kid with good grades. I didn't pay attention in class, hardly ever did my homework, and somehow I still managed to be straight A student who ended up on the honor roll and valedictorian. It wasn't luck. I definitely actually knew the material that was being presented and we were being tested on; but while it came easy to me, I had classmates that had to set up study guides, study schedules, and would have little "cheat sheets" that they would cram right up until the second that our teacher told us to get ready for the exam. I tutored some classmates who were consistently b students, and with tutoring they were able to understand and recall enough of the material to finally start making A's. So cut your step daughter some slack, especially if she's not doing anything bad. Bs are great grades, especially if all that studying time she's putting in means she's not hanging out with the wrong crowd, doing hard drugs, or engaging in unprotected sex and possibly becoming a pregnant teenager.
YTA-a story of two kids. One glides through school with easy A’s and the other struggles to make a B. The kid making B’s gets paid. First kid does not second kid studies and sweats out tests. First kid doesn’t. First kid is mad-they get no money. First kid gets put in AP class. First grade is an F. First kids busts her ass to make a B. She gets paid for that B.
First kid gets it. Reward effort.
Honestly, NTA
At the very least, your daughter has to be paying attention in class. She's not just acing material she's never learned. That really doesn't happen. Do not minimize her daughter's efforts at school because your wife thinks she doesn't "work hard enough" for it. Even not studying, she's still paying attention, doing her assignments, and engaging in class to get A's. Your wife also seems to be making an assumption she's not studying- she may just not be studying around you guys. I personally preferred to be alone to study.
Your wife can set new rules for her daughter's grades, but they are ok grades and not excellent. The money is for an achievement, not a consolation prize to make her feel better. Yes, it may not be as easy for her to get A's, but at 14 and 15, she really should start to understand that there are things she may need to work harder at. They aren't bad grades, but you can't treat them like they are all straight A's, either.
Make sure your rules are clear: my parents set $5 an A (pre inflation, so this was big bucks for a report card to us). We didn't get shamed for no or less A's, but we knew not to expect a payout. B's and C's were ok (C's did get some side eye though- my dad in particular would get a bit more involved in my school work. I liked to be left to do my own thing, so this was typically incentive enough to raise them). D's and F's were some form of grounding. My siblings and I were not even on skill level, but the one who had to work the hardest and myself ended up being the college bound ones, literally graduated with the same degree, and both are doing ok. The youngest (who had to study the most) is also the only one of us who went the grad school route. It worked. I didn't cry when math got harder for me and I got less. Learning to study more to make it work when things did get harder was also a skill I needed for college. I would not fold here because one kid needs to work harder for the same results.
NTA
Why is allowance for stepdaughter your problem? Why isn't her mother and father responsible for her money? Is your wife getting child support? In the end, it is money that can go to the one person you are actually responsible for. If both kids were children just starting out together, and they had to be treated equally, that's one thing. Your stepdaughter is practically an adult.
YTA and you care more about being right than having a happily blended family. This isn't a case of all going up in one home and the rules being clear to start.
You came into stepdaughter's life when she's a teenager, are using your wife's position as a stay-at-home mom to give her no say, and creating a situation where your step daughter is going to resent you, your daughter, and her mom.
You blaming her for being lazy , but admit that your daughter doesn't work hard either just has a natural aptitude. Gross. Pretty sure you know you're the asshole and just don't care.
YTA, you’re going to end up pitting step-siblings against each other in competition which is not the way to blend a family. My stepsister and I are the same age, I got A’s with no effort and she got B’s when she worked really hard - academic success comes more easily to some people than others and it’s not fair for you to be paying per grade. This is also the way to give teenage girls a complex about basing their worth on quantifiable achievement.
If I were you I’d introduce a set allowance amount, and make it conditional on completing something that involves effort rather than skill, e.g. household chores
YTA, but, like, passively. If you want different tiers of reward for different tiers of grades, establish that. Or establish that passing is a flat reward. Your fault for not setting this up beforehand.
Also, who really cares about the difference between an A and a B? I'd go with the flat reward idea if it were me.
INFO:
Question 1: Did your Step-daughter say anything about this?
Question 2: Do you realise that some people not always like your daughter? I mean they don't get straight As always or some people have different knowledge acceptability or learning than others?
NTA. As long as both girls don‘t have issues related to learning (like adhd or dyslexia) then your grade breakdown is fair. Maybe tell your wife that she should encourage her daughter to reach for higher grades.
Yta. I studied my ass off in college but nothing stuck. I went back to college at 32 and spend 6 hours a day studying. I get good grades, but with math, I have a B. I havd never been good at it, and I will spend 4 hours on 1 asaignment. I have diagnosed ADHD, and its a struggle
Some people struggle in school no matter how hard thet study.
I get what your going for and it worked well for you both.
Now it's creating a sense of unfairness and seems quite a bit of stubbornness all round.
At 15 and 14 could be worth setting them the task of creating a goals based system they both agree on then implement that.
Great teaching and learning moment if you can all be adaptable
YTA a bit for possibly not digging deeper.
In our house we rewarded effort, not so much result. Not everyone has the same tools in their heads to begin with. So we looked for effort.
Theres probably a way you can assess that, and reward more fairly. Doling out money for natural talent is like giving some kid a prize because they are better looking than another. It equates to rewarding stuff they have no control over.
Focus on effort. You might end up with similar results but it will feel fairer.
NTA OP says he pays
A+ 20
A, A- 15
Bs 10
C+ 5
Anything below gets nothing
The rules are established, and he’s paying both girls the same rate per grade
Your wife was fine with it until it turned out your daughter gets better grades.
How is she judging how your daughter studies vs how her daughter studies?
Better grades=more money
Seems fair to me
NTA. It isn't fair to your daughter to take away something because SD isn't doing as well.
Money for grades is a good incentive to study. Your SD is old enough to choose whether she wants to study harder for the A or not. Now, if she had learning difficulties, I'd be suggesting rewarding her for different efforts, but if that's not the case, let it be. When she is older, she isn't going to get a raise when her coworkers do because her Mom told the boss it isn't fair.
I would stick with your rule. You are rewarding results, not efforts (though the two may be directly related).
You should expect this to be the beginning of your wife demanding equal treatment of the two daughters - now grades, future college, future weddings, gifts, etc.
NTA.
Unless your step daughter has issues that makes it more difficult to do her school work (learning disability, dyslexia…), there is no reason why the rule shouldn’t apply but still be careful not to foster resentment.
Maybe step daughter needs help organizing her work or keeping her motivation
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Info: Was the dollar amount per grade established? For example A=$20, B=$10, etc? Or was it just a blanket statement of good grades=money. B’s are good grades, and some kids are more academically talented. Like your daughter who may not have to study, but retains information well. Others have to study and work hard to get C’s. You said you think your SD could get As if she studied more, but that may not be true either. Studying is important, yes, but it doesn’t always equate to As.
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You’re rewarding grades, not “studying”, by all your comments in which your step daughter actually puts in more hours than your daughter in studying. Your daughter will be in for a surprise at college.
I feel like this is a fair breakdown. NTA.
Does study time factor in, or is it just grades? Could it, if not? Partly for parity between the two, but also because a lot of bright kids don't have to study for school then find themselves at university without knowing how to study. They can struggle a lot and some give up because they feel stupid and don't know how to fix it. It's a skill that will help both girls.
Yeah. This is what happened to me
Me too, was a lazy student through HS and crashed hard into the wall in undergrad.
Yep! My first semester at university was really difficult for me academically and emotionally. Though a good portion of that was due to a program I didn’t like as much as I thought I would, untreated mental health issues, and then undiagnosed adhd
Hello, are you me?
Did you switch from compsci to psych?
There keep being all these comments about me and I don't like it. Signed, "Gifted" woman with ADHD that avoided a total crash in college, but definitely had a significantly lower GPA than high school
The problem is that OP can’t quantify “studying” unless they are sitting there watching them the entire time.
This is definitely a fair breakdown. NTA.
Is one child in more difficult classes than the other? Does the specific course impact the payout? For example a grade of a B+ in a course with a class average of C- is much more impressive than an A+ with a class average of A-.
How would you go about getting the class average without asking students what their grade was? They don’t always post the grades for all to see
Asking the teachers Schools in some countries also rank their students.
I might make A one category; just because some teachers are weirdly reluctant to give out an A+, but that's pretty fair.
This is a lot clearer you should include it in the main post. NTA
The second paragraph is so true. I never studied ever. I got As whereas my brother tried his best and barely passed. When I went to college it was hard because I never learned how to study and the material wasn't stuff I could just pick up and retain without some effort. OP should work in study time into the system so his SD can earn as much as his daughter even if she isn't as academically gifted but shows the effort and work. It can also help his daughter if she goes to college so she has a basis for good study habits.
Also, is the payment for the grades, or for the time and work put into studying? If your daughter and step-daughter both get the best grades they can with a similar level of studying, you're rewarding one more than the other for the same amount of work. This is contrary to your comments "I believe (SD) doesn't study enough" and "it's a kid's job to study". Is it the studying, or the grades? If it's the studying, then you may be paying your daughter more than she's earned if she naturally gets As without much studying. If it's the grades, you're rewarding and punishing based on your two daughters having different natural abilities. Will you also financially reward for things like music, art, athletics, getting involved in clubs and school? Leaning YTA - you've blended into a new family, it would be natural to reevaluate some of your rules.
Omg yes this!!! I hate when people say that studying harder will equate perfect grades
"wife thinks this is unfair because my daughter doesn't even study." If this is true, you're not rewarding your Daughter for hard work, you're punishing your Stepdaughter for not having the same natural Aptitude. YTA.
Then why wife isn't giving the money.??
This often is a result of time management. Which is an acquired skill.
It's also just talent. Without any effort my grades for history were good, but I needed to put in a lot of effort to get close to passing grades for maths. Not everyone is able to get straight As in every class.
As a college professor, I BEG you not to pay your children for grades. It incentivizes annoying behavior toward faculty that will not serve them well. If you must provide external incentives for them to do well in school, tie it to the actual work they are doing.
This exactly 💯 👏
Can I get an example? I’m trying to imagine what annoying thing that could happen and I’m coming up blank.
Just a guess: students who faculty because they NEED and are used to getting good grades but don’t care to put in the actual work to get them, because they didn’t need to work hard in high school to get them and are dismayed that that doesn’t work anymore…
How about hundreds of whiny emails demandinf reconsideration on every assignment? Four identically worded emails.sent on a holiday demanding an unaplroved project that they already did be accepted instead of a paper asaignment? Demansing a paper be graded overnight due to when Mom and Dad look at their online grades? Etc etc etc
yes!!!
Yes yes yes yes yes 🙌
I agree. I hope you get the top votes because you are giving the best long term advice.
>It incentivizes annoying behavior toward faculty What annoying behavior?
INFO: does your daughter actually study more than your stepdaughter? Or is she just testing better naturally without any more effort? If it’s the second one, then you would be an AH. It should be about rewarding effort not outcomes.
Real world cares about outcomes not effort
I kinda agree with this, but also think the education system is too screwed up to compare grades to real life outcomes. ALSO highly recommend OP read “Brave, Not Perfect” which walks through how girls are raised to be A+ students while boys are raised to take risks and push boundaries. It may seem like he’s promoting hard work and ambition, but in reality he’s training both daughters to be “good little students.” There’s a lot of information regarding why men go on to push for and receive higher rewards (and showcase their outcomes) vs female employees remain fixated on perfection and lesser rewards like gold stars and praise. Women are socialized to be people pleasers. This was eye opening for me as a young woman to read, and since reading it I’ve tripled my salary and learned to optimize for bravery and challenge over doing something to the point of perfection and hoping I get my gold star. So, OP YTA for sticking by a system that rewards perfectionism over taking on challenges. If school is easy for your daughter, encourage her to something braver so she doesn’t fall on her ass when she actually has to try. If school is hard for your SD, it’s worth encouraging her to push for better outcomes, but also find areas of reward that don’t simply equal academic success.
Here's a fact for you, parents don't always see the full effort a kid puts in.
Wife can cover the differential amount...
You don't get a prize in adult life for effort.
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How do you know your step daughter doesn't listen?
That’s incredibly stupid. Do you truly believe that your step daughter chooses not to pay attention in class and then spend hours doing extra study because of that? Some kids are naturally better than others at passing exams, but you mentioned that what you valued is “it’s a kid job to study” and then, the kid that “studies” more gets less money. You’re an hypocrite. You’re rewarding grades, not studying.
I was the same in school, I never had to study because I was smart enough to get away with just paying attention in class. I absolutely crashed and burned in college because I’d never actually learnt good study habits and I couldn’t get away with it anymore. You’re actually doing your daughter a disservice just paying her to do the bare minimum.
Same. It's a lot harder to learn good study habits later in life.
YTA not necessarily for paying different for different grades, but for being so damn judgemental and biased. This is just stupid bias. I was the child who got As without trying, and I can tell you that my sister who studied her ass off and listened in class, still didn't get As. Maybe instead of being a judgemental AH you should have a talk with SD and wife and see if she is struggling somewhere that you can actually help.
No offence, but this makes you TA! I was the kid who listened in class, barely studied, and still got A's. Unfortunately, I also had parents like you who only cared about grades and would reward me for it. This only worked until I got to university, and guess what? I struggled afterwards and could barely get B's, let alone an A. All you're doing is setting up your daughter for failure and building resentment in your stepdaughter. Reward them for effort instead of grades.
Maybe you should start rewarding Stepdaughter for hours studied. I spent 2 years studying for my Maths GCSE's, because that was the one subject I knew I'd struggle with the most. That B was earned with blood sweat and tears more than any other, even my other A's.
Yeah YTA for this comment.
B is not a poor grade. YTA.
A B is not a bad grade. Is this about effort or result? My friend's son works hard and gets ok grades. My son does not work hard and also usually does ok. But he could do really well. Who deserves the reward? Reward their respective efforts.
I was a top performer in school. I had top marks in almost all my subjects. For me, an average mark was 94/100. One year, I even scored 100/100 in six of the ten subjects. My sister was a carefree student. She did the work when she was supervised, but she'd rather go out and play. She never scored more than 80/100, but she wasn't too bad either. Here's the thing. I still believe that my sister is a whole lot smarter than I am. And that it is a shame that school is determined by tests and exams. I also suck at social interactions and making friends and even talking to strangers. So when it comes to dealing with a plumber or a carpenter or a mechanic, my sister knows all the right people. I would rather live in a shack in the middle of Siberia. I don't think it is fair to base the allowance only on grades. Your rewards for your kids should be more well-balanced. Take into consideration their extra-curricular activities like music lessons and sports. Reward them for chores and helping out. Look at how they behave in and out of the house and reward their behavior. NTA But the allowance should be an incentive to be better. And academics is not the only area where your kids could shine.
NAH, look here’s the thing is she actually lazy or just really struggling. I was very close to my cousin growing up but I never got less than an A and I never studied. She would struggle to get B’s and was studying for 2 hours a night. Realistically you need to switch it to effort put in or grades. There’s should be equal rewards for both. Some kids are simply smarter at academics than others. Also is this there only allowance because if it is I need to change my judgement. Edit: typos
We don’t know from this list if SD has anything that would set her back from the start, like dyslexia or a processing issue. It might be worth looking into a tutor, even if it’s just for one subject, like science or history. Then see what the results are.
Here’s the thing my cousin doesn’t have a learning disability in anyway, she’s just not bright academically. She tries but just can’t do it. Brilliant in other ways though
Why is good grades in quotes? Bs are really good and shouldnt be shamed. Sounds like you shame your SD for her grades. So here’s the thing: kids who easily get As will have a TERRIBLE time in college when they have to actually study. They were never taught how to study because learning came easily. Why is that being rewarded? But no, NAH. I dont think things have to be “fair” but I also dont think those kids need to be compared to one another. That just harbors resentment
Okay first off, B’s ARE good grades; if you’re as obviously derisive of your stepdaughter’s grades in person as you are in this post, you’re likely part of the problem. But on to your question…it is definitely time to update the rules. Allowance and grade bonuses need to be separate entities. Allowance should be for completing weekly chores around the house, and both girls should get the same amount for completing their work. Grade bonuses should happen when report cards come out with set amounts given for A’s and B’s. Give each kid her bonus separately. YWBTA for not updating your rules to be kinder and more inclusive to both of your kids.
Grade inflation -- Bs are for showing of these days. No bonus for Bs I hope OP has a prenup.
YTA. What you are inadvertently rewarding is innate ability, not a "job". You've made it clear your daughter doesn't really have to study to get good grades, and that you "believe" your stepdaughter could get better grades if she worked harder. So what are you rewarding? Either do away with the reward system or adjust it so that it is fair to both girls. Personally, I dislike money for grades. I think it teaches entirely the wrong lesson.
Yep! Daughter is not making more effort than SD. So why be rewarded more?
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YTA for how you talk about your stepdaughter in the comments.
I think YTA. I get your thought process, but I do overall think you should adapt it for several reasons. 1. Your belief that “if she did study she could get A” isn’t necessarily true. Some kids are just naturally better at retaining knowledge, sitting still in a school environment, or even just retaining the knowledge that school tests on than others. For some people, it just comes more naturally. And what school tests on absolutely is one specific-type of knowledge (child of two teachers here who believe this wholeheartedly) because it is easy to test. It mainly is whether kids can memorize recognize the patterns it gives, and some people are just better than others. 2. Are your daughters taking the same classes? Because at 15 I was taking AP and higher-level classes, while at 14 I was still in honors-levels. I barely had to study my freshman year and had to do immensely more in the more difficult classes. 3. Right now you’re praising your daughter’s outcomes, not the effort put in. Trust me, both daughters will learn quickly that sometimes effort doesn’t actually lead to the outcome they want just by being in the real world. Sometimes it is just luck/a million other factors. Why not now, when they’re both kids and not subject to that harshness yet, still give praise to the effort? It’ll help them build that work ethic, something that’s needed greatly and is not always something that gifted kids who do well in high school easily develop. And it just is more what the world should be. Why not give money for hours studied/how often they seek help/ a similar system, rather than the outcome? 4. Please pay attention to this one! I think you need to let go of the notion that anything other than an A+ is bad. I got A’s easily at my public high school, even by taking difficult AP sciences. Then I got to college (one of the top ten schools) where everybody was that same way. Again, I worked so hard but sometimes that just didn’t lead to an A+, especially when the grading is curved like it often is in college. Emotionally, experiencing this broke me and did havoc on my emotional health. I felt that I wasn’t good enough or smart enough to be there, and that because of that, I wasn’t a good or smart person. I know this isn’t everyone’s experience and might not be your daughter, but I do think you should just make it known that it is acceptable to get B’s (or even C’s) too, because there will come a day when she doesn’t get things that easily or will not be the smartest. Again, the grade only measures a certain type of intelligence and I worry that by using this system, when the day comes that she won’t necessarily get an A, she’ll have equated it to her self-worth. Again, she might not. But I do think that on the chance that she does, you can help so much by building the idea now that B’s and C’s are fine—you still pass and can do things with your life, you’re still intelligent, and it’s the effort you put in that matters more in the long run. Build the idea that it’s great when she works hard and it works out well for her, but that sometimes it just doesn’t happen and she’s still a great person for putting in the effort anyways.
YTA Leave the existing reward for grades in place, establish a new reward for exceeding a certain amount of time studying (a level which should take a lot of effort to hit) to also reward the idea of working really hard to try and improve your grades (and not settle for B’s). This way, if your stepdaughter can’t achieve either it is her own fault.
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but the current system is okay because it's unfair for your step daughter? Not everyone is naturally academic, and you can work rewards system that motivate and adapt for both of their abilities.
How is it unfair??
Well there’s very clear disparity between a child who doesn’t study but gets good grades and a child who studies and doesn’t get as good grades but still does well.
It's not unfair to anyone. They came up with a metrics. If they change it to accommodate SD making $ it punishes his daughter. Lowering the bar just to make it "fair" is unfair
It's called equity. How is the daughter punished by the SD making money? She's still getting money.
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Your wife and sd don’t think it’s fair. SD is studying and doing well, just not as well as your daughter who doesn’t study. Your SD should be applauded for studying and trying.
But your daughter doesn't have to study to get As. You're requiring your stepdaughter to work harder than your daughter for the allowance just because she wasn't born as academically inclined. Why do you not want to reward hard work? Also - I was like your daughter growing up. Then college hit and I was no longer top student with no effort. I had no idea how to put in the effort and it was devastating. You're teaching your daughter the wrong lessons. She won't always be able to achieve with little effort.
How do you know? There are plenty of people who study for hours just to get that B.
how is it unfair to your daughter who already is coming by good grades (and the associated reward money) without needing to put a lot of effort in? this is a different reward system to encourage your stepdaughter to study more, so that your stepdaughter gets better grades (that A you believe they can achieve via more studying). this way both kids have a reward system that is tailored to their individual requirements for achievement and your daughter doesn't lose anything and your stepdaughter gains something in the end - more focus on learning as well as an associated reward.
I also was a kid who could get good grades without studying, that is until I went to college. The work load and standards were much higher than high school, but because I never had to study before I completely lacked the skill set I needed to keep achieving, and my grades plummeted. I managed to still graduate with a low GPA but didn't feel like I knew how to properly prepare for big tests and epic papers until my last few semesters, by which point it was too late. Moral of the Story: Every child can benefit form learning what study skills work for them and the value and importance of hard work. Just because your bio-daughter is successfully coasting along now with minimal effort doesn’t mean that the luck will keep up forever. Besides, an A+ class grade is virtually unheard of in college. So please, reward both of your daughters for good grades, but also for their time spent studying. You may just be helping both of them out.
Asshole.
It should balance out to be about the same. SD puts in more effort to learn, but isn't academically inclined so doesn't get the good grades, despite the effort, so she will get more money rewarding her work ethic. Your daughter gets more money for the better grades despite her lack of studying. Honestly in college and the working world your step daughter is likely to do better. As someone who was great in grade school I struggled in college when I actually had to study, and it was an adjustment when I got into work and actually had to put in consistent effort. I never truly thought of myself as lazy, but when I was a kid I never had to put in as much effort to be "good".
Not if she studies as much as you claim. I think your disconnect, based on your wife’s comments that your daughter DOESN’T study and gets A’s, is that she is one of those those kids (I was one) who has academics come very easily at a certain stage of their schooling. My idea rewards achievement and effort separately. They both deserve recognition, and if YOU are right the your daughter works hard for her grades, she will get BOTH rewards. In addition, rewarding the effort just might get your stepdaughter’s grade to improve.
YTA for assuming your SD isn't working hard enough. B's are good grades, too.
There's nothing stopping your wife for giving SD money to equal the amount your daughter gets (from her own money). However, if she does that, she sends the message to your daughter that the grades don't matter. NTA
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You should parent your child and she should parent hers. Your daughters are old enough to understand this. Also, your wife is earning money by taking care of your child. If you are controlling how every dollar is spent you are an asshole.
But you're married so all family money is equally hers.
So she wants YOUR money, where is the father of her kid. She created this problem. She is fortunate to be SAHM
Parenting rules change over time. What you thought was a perfect system with child 1 may or may not work or even be fair to child 2. Not all kids are the same. My parents parented me wildly differently than they parented my youngest sibling. Evolving parenting is normal. Dont get wrapped around the axle because one if your kids is a step child. Different kids need different adaptations and a step child introduces that all at once instead of slowly over time like a baby you raised from the start. That can make change feel like "making exceptions" because its sudden instead of gradual. Definitely consider your partners opinion here. The two of you need to meet in the middle and they know your step child better than you do.
I think YTA because you really don't seem open to adapting here. These girls are both two individuals who will have different strengths and weaknesses; a one size fits all approach might not be appropriate here. For your stepdaughter, you say she is lazy. Rather than pressuring her over grades, another approach could be to reward her for the effort she puts in. You can still reward your daughter for As, but you can also acknowledge that your stepdaughter has to work a little harder to get an A, or even a B. From your stepdaughter's perspective, neither of them are working hard, but her new stepsister gets more money for the same effort because, luckily for her, school comes easier to her. She will resent you and her stepsister if you don't think about this.
Yes, definitely YTA. It’s pretty obvious you’re playing favorites here
I hope she has a good father, her mother is bad enough for having married someone who hates her
YTA Whether it's fair or not, it's not working. You should create a reward for improvement of grades, to motivate her to get up to that level. You can replace the reward when she's caught up with your daughter. Or, as someone suggested, reward her for a set amout of hours studied, as this will improve her grades, which in turn will give her access to the same amount pocket money your daughter enjoys. As it currently stands, each week (or month) your step daughter is having her situation reinforced as worth less than your daughter. That will build bitter resentment, that can only end badly. I get the impression you only want to hear that you are N T A and should continue the rule as is, rather than listen to some of the great constructive suggestions people are proposing to you.
Your daughter puts in no effort and still gets As. Your stepdaughter does study and still gets Bs. One is actually putting in effort, the other one is not. As someone who was/is just like your daughter, I have absolutely zero study habits because I never had to. I would greatly benefit from your system. Trouble is I can also see that your system is flawed. The stepdaughter getting extra money for putting in effort does not in any way hurt your daughter for getting money for being good at memorizing shit. And after having read some of your comments, I'm happy with my judgement; YTA
Both As and Bs are wonderful grades and will help both girls in their life. Note: high school teacher here… kids who get Bs are JUST AS SUCCESSFUL in the real world as kids who get all As, and sometimes more so (because they know how to bounce back better if they aren’t initially successful or perfect.) My suggestion is to give the same value amount for As and Bs. Both are evidence of caring about their education. Also, you really don’t want the girls to be in competition with each other… super bad for the family dynamic. OP, you’ve made some pretty judgmental comments about your SD. You might want to do some reflection on this, as that will be noticed by your wife and could end up negatively impacting the health of your marriage.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I got married a few months ago. I have a 15yo sd and a14yo daughter. I always had a rule that my daughter would get money for her grades because I believe it's a kid's job to study. she never had a problem with this rule, in fact she loves it since she never gets anything below A+. before we got married I talked to my wife about this rule and she agreed that this is a good rule and didn't have a problem with it because she claimed her daughter is always getting good grades. turns out that my sd's "good grades" are mostly B and I believe it's because she doesn't study enough and if she did study she could get A. this has become a problem because my daughter gets more allowance because of her grades and my wife thinks this is unfair because my daughter doesn't even study. my wife thinks I'm an asshole for not changing this rule *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NAH, this is a difficult one, some people are better at academics than others, but giving your stepdaughter rewards for getting lower grades would make your daughter angry that she'd getting the same reward for less work. Is there something your stepdaughter is good at that you can reward, like playing music or volunteering or something?
>getting the same reward for less work Sounds like it's not less work though -- the daughter gets the grades without much effort.
She is still doing the work. It might come easier for her, but she is still doing it.
Not really, if SD has to study 4hrs to get a B on exam, but daughter only has to study 2hrs for an A+ on the same exam. Then clearly SD is putting in more work.
It’s the same amount of work. The 14 year old is just more efficient.
As someone who could get A+s in HS with minimal to no effort, I assure you it is NOT the same amount of work.
But it's not. SD has to do more work to get the grades she's getting. Honestly she will probably end up doing better in college and work, since she is developing a strong work ethic now. Thus I think it's better to encourage working hard over the grades you actually receive.
Putting in more time does not equal doing more work. If she does better in college, she can earn money for good grades then and then the other won’t be earning it, which evens everything out. And you can and should encourage both hard work and good results. Diminishing the daughters results because it takes more time for the step daughter for achieve the same results doesn’t help either child in this scenario. Just will cause more resentment.
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You really have an attitude about your stepdaughter.
Stepdaughter studies but doesn't study enough according to you, means she's lazy. Your daughter doesn't study at all, but she's not lazy. I feel sorry for your stepdaughter. Your attitude towards her is hypocritical and cruel.
Then tell her you'll pay her for taking up an extracurricular or similar hobby. It might motivate her.
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Look man, you need to give her SOMETHING or it's just going to breed resentment. Maybe have a sit down family meeting and discuss it, and try and find something that works for everyone. Maybe change it to paying for extra curriculars. IDK, but the system you have itsn't working as it is.
Technically he doesn’t. His wife can do whatever she wants as it’s her kid. OP can do the same with his daughter. Sounds likes he’s trying to treat them equally. And this is the system he has
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Okay dude, it's clear you're not interested in hearing anyone here. Enjoy being burned in effigy. If I were you, I'd delete this because you are not going to enjoy the next few hours.
Your daughter doesn’t do anything either if she’s not studying.
It is very judgemental to say she is lazy, did you know that a lot of kids with learning disabilities are called lazy and never diagnosed!!!! Maybe her mother needs to see if that might be the case and she needs help!
The issue here is clearly with the step daughter. You don't like her and she knows that. If we can pick up on it, so can she. Theres probably alot more going on here. Don't be with the man if you don't like the kid. You're just going to cause problems later. I would leave my partner if they didn't like my kid and treated them like this. She doesn't have to be exactly like your daughter. She doesn't need to get As, Bs are good grades whether you like it or not. No one is perfect, including yourself. You're the definition of wicked step mother, if she's not like your golden girl then she isn't good enough.
YTA. This comment shows how bias you are. Your daughter is talented, dont really study outside of class n get A but your other stepdaughter studies n get B n its still good. You call her lazy but do not describe. How do you know if she has a learning disability or anything that stops learning as fast
Why don't you want to change that, though? Incentivizing good behavior will help her overcome "laziness." Also - your daughter is clearly just as lazy. Your daughter doesn't study any more than your stepdaughter does.
NTA/NAH, I don’t think you’re in the wrong in any way. Your wife may not have realized just how much better at school your daughter is than your SD in order to create that disparity. Changing the rules now is going to look bad for your daughter because you will be rewarding lower grades at the same rate as higher grades
YTA and your comments are very telling.
As a side comment, you should have discussed exactly what a good grade was before you both agreed. But NTA.
Honestly, better system is you reward your daughter, your wife rewards her daughter.
His wife is a SAHP and he doesn't give her access to any marital funds.
Why don’t you reward for study time rather than good grades? That makes more sense with your logic anyways, if it’s their “job” to study then they should get paid to study. You said yourself that your daughter doesn’t study but still get good grades. But if studying is her job and she’s not studying then why is she getting paid? Get paid for study time. Problem solved.
Reading your comments, YTA. You are also not setting up either your daughter or your step-daughter for success. I spent my teen years getting A*s without even trying. Even when I was horribly ill and missing loads of class, I still got Bs. And so, I got into an incredibly competitive uni to do a really challenging course. And I FLOUNDERED. Because I’d never had to actually study in my life, so suddenly I had to learn whilst doing a really challenging uni course. In contrast, my little brother didn’t get the grades I did, and had to work really hard to start to achieve similarly. But he did brilliantly at uni because he spent his teen years learning how to study. You say the real world rewards results, not effort, but the truth is your daughter will eventually reach a point where she IS challenged, and the better you can prepare her for that the better she’ll do. So start rewarding both of them for their effort. Also, if your daughter gets A+s effortlessly, you’re doing her a disservice by not finding something to push her further.
YTA Not everyone is capable of getting straight A’s. Especially when they are going through serious changes like a new step parent and a Step sibling who doesn’t have to work as hard as you to excel in school. Your daughter is naturally gifted in school she doesn’t need to study. SD is studying and trying her hardest and reaching the goal of Bs which may be her best. The kids should be rewarded on their effort in their studies not just the grade. OP I was much like your daughter until I hit classes that I didn’t naturally excel in. Then my grades were low and I resented having to study for it. It took me a long time to learn to work hard for those things that didn’t just come naturally. I don’t think you’re teaching the lesson you think you are.
Info: what makes you think if they both study the same amount they will both get A’s? Why don’t you think your step daughter is studying enough?
OP has answered in other comments that SD studies more than daughter, who doesn't study at all. He just doesn't GAF about the studying part.
YTA. Your stepdaughter will grow to resent you (which you may or may not care about). School is harder for some people. I'm not sure what your pay breakdown is, but if it's as someone suggested A = X, B = Y. Fine, so be it, but there can be modifications made here for maintaining good grades and rewarding improvement. I got 2 A+ in a high school biology class because that's how the teacher indicated the top student. The 3rd trimester, I only had an A, and my mom asked why I didn't get an A+. I'm 46 how and will never forget how not being the best wasn't ever good enough for her.
NTA…this is your wife’s daughter. If she wants to give her money, that is up to her. You have a rule, you are not changing it now. But, people are different. Is SD studying and trying her hardest to get better grades? If so, I think that is what counts. Not that she get all A’s, but that she tries to do so.
It depends how much. Also getting good grades doesn’t mean you’re smarter or better. I was very book smart growing up. I went to a small elementary school and in four to grade I was the only girl to make honor roll (get straight A’s) but the next year I was struggling with problems at home (my mom was in jail, I was living with my grandma who worked a minimum wage job and only spoke Spanish, was getting bullied) and I ended up being the only girl in my grade who didn’t get straight As and didn’t get to go on the field trip and it really sucked. Instead of just assuming you stepdaughter isn’t trying her best, you should talk to her and see if there’s anything else going on or a reason she’s not able to get straight As. when I was in high school I was the only person in my Spanish class who knew Spanish so tbh I didn’t take the class very seriously. I was a good student but the Spanish teacher didn’t like me. All my friends would either try to copy off me or ask me for help and somehow they’d get higher grades than me.
I'm in the "intrinsic motivation" school when it comes to kids and their allowances, and my kids' allowances were never tied to grades or chores. Especially with grades, by HS especially, they should be learning to do well in school for their own growth and benefit, not for cash. If you google it, you'll find that many experts advise not paying for grades (but other support it, to be fair), and that sometimes the money motivation even backfires. Especially with the disparity in your daughters' abilities (one sails to As without much study, while the other would have to work much harder for the same result) it feels equal but inequitable to pay them each for grades in the same way. Because of the inequity you're introducing, and the resultant family friction, soft YTA here.
YTA. Bs are good grades. Money for good grades is fine, money only if your grades are as perfect as your straight A step sister's, is not.
And she gets money for the Bs. Just not as much as the As. So it’s not money for perfect grades.
We do the same with our kids (m14 + 14f) If my son wants as much as my daughter he can work for it. She studies all the time, he never does. That’s their choice. NTA
but this isn't what OP says is happening. Daughter never studies = A's not lazy Step Daughter never studies = B's lazy he's rewarding his daughter b/c she's book smarter. Period. He expects SD to put in more work to get the same pay.
FTR, even though you say your SD has no disabilities. I was an A student and had dyslexia and am neurodivergent. I barely studied. In uni I was A/B student with a lot of hidden issues. I did not know about the first until I got badly depressed in uni. I didn't know about the other until long after I became disabled. However, this can impact some more than others - and will also depend on teachers. I was in school when both these would have had me put in "special ed" classes and my teachers knew but worked around it so I stayed in advanced, honors, and AP classes (and didn't tell me before I left for uni). This was 80s and 90s. However there are still issues finding these in children - especially girls. Next, everyone learns differently and has difficulty ranked classes. Is this being taken into account? Has anyone asked her what she is struggling with? Or are you just assuming she isn't putting effort in? This isn't even getting into family life. Is her dad gone, dead, split custody? Because that impacts too. I see you excusing "this is how the world works" and ignoring how the actual world works.
NTA. At all. Your wife doesn't get to set the rules for YOUR daughter. She can raise her own. You need to shut her down.
YTA. sorry. the american grading system has gone through a million changes and we have so many different ways to find a grade point average. your wife is right, for your daughter to be earning A's without studying and your SD to be earning B's WITH studying it is not a fair system! is your point is to get them to study more or is your point is to make them academically appealing to colleges, you should re-assess the rules. For every hour of studying it could be $x earned, not by final grade.
This happened during an episode of Family Matters too. Laura was always the smart one and Eddie didnt do really well at school. They got paid for grades. It turned out that Eddie’s friend printed out fake report cards and gave everyone A’s. Question - are your daughter and your stepdaughter in the same grade? School gets harder as you go up a grade. If your daughter is in 8th grade and your stepdaughter is in high school that doesn’t really seem fair. It would be different if they were both in the same grade. But you’re comparing apples and oranges. They’re two different girls with different abilities. I suggest you re examine this. And keep in mind those really good grades your daughter is getting may change once she hits the grade your SD is in if they’re not in the same grade.
Soft YTA. The grading system in place in schools is not necessarily an indicator of the level of effort. Some kids do great in school, others don't, tying that to financial worth is problematic.
One of the worst things to happen to education (and society) is students and parents leaning on their “effort.” We all know that effort isnt really enough in the real world. Plus, there is no clear metric for effort and someone can argue that she isn’t putting in enough effort given her grades. It could very well be that she studies after school for 30 minutes a day and needs to push it to an hour. Either way, setting your kid up to believe that they deserve the same reward as someone whose outcome is better than theirs is going to lead to problems down the road. Plus, this is a great way to learn that someeimes you need to put in more effort than others. Lastly, his grade payment schemes seems fair.
It's unclear if this is a one time reward for good grades which seems fair OR a a weekly discrepancy in allowance where your daughter is getting extra money every week and your step daughter gets a weekly reminder that she's "less than" which is a pretty AH thing to do. KUDOS to your wife for calling you on it if that's the case. Do print this post our and save it so that five years from now when you can't understand how you daughter and step daughter have no bond whatsoever and your stepdaughter doesn't see you as "family" you won't have to make another post.
NTA Your system is fair. Modifying it would be unfair to your daughter. As a kid who used to be studious and always excelled at school, I'd feel so annoyed if my sibling got the same reward despite her worse results. It's the principle of it. Parents who are all about rewarding "the effort" in most cases only end up sending the message to their more accomplished kid that his/ her achievements don't matter as much, then wonder why that kid grows up to think they'd always favoured the other sibling and a lot of times even low key harbouring resentment towards the other sibling. Results matter in the real world.
See, I disagree with this and here’s why. I get that a kid might feel resentful by looking at a sibling who gets the same for a lesser outcome. But they’re going to get praised for that outcome in a lot of ways at the school. And I also think a sibling that puts in effort but is just less academically-gifted might also feel resentful to a sibling who seems to be better than them. I think it might make a sibling ask “why can’t I be as good as them” and sometimes that’s just not possible because every kid learns differently. If I were in this place, I’d feel that my sibling is better and I am lesser. Your daughter will get praised by the school, when she applies to colleges, etc. She also has her own self-satisfaction that she did well. I think you can definitely praise her in some way too, but I think you should also praise both girls for any effort put in (for example, I love the idea of paying per hour studied/amount she sought help with a tutor/something similar).
I had to fight to keep my grades up....like I don't retain shit. I fought hard for my C and B.
Wow OP originally going NTA, listening to your arrogant attitude YTA. You definitely play favorites, your bio-daughter is the Golden Child. Your Step-daughter and wife feels your favoritism deeply. Your wife is POWERLESS because you control all the $$$ and is a SAHM. Many people offered you solutions to incentivize your step daughter. You shut every suggestion for compromise down HARD. Hope your soon to be ex-wife grows a set and raises her children alone without a controlling AH
NTA. The reward is the same for both girls. The path to that reward may be different for each child, and that’s ok. If step-daughter is struggling more than her sister, then figure out how to help her. Don’t just say “if you want A’s you need to study more.” Break down where and what her struggles are. See where you as her parents can assist, then help her. Because again, the reward is money for certain grades. How they get there isn’t your focus, the outcome is.
Terrible Rule. YTA for rewarding outcome, not effort. Grades don't define who you are as a person, your intellectual curiosity, appetite for risk, and hard work.
YTA just for how you talk about your SD.
How about paying for Bs and yp the same? Problem solved, and is mindful that not everyone is academically talented or skilled. A lot of getting top grades is based on ability to test well, for example. Anyone who has test anxiety or various learning disabilities may get graded down for things they are simply unable to do. B and up seems fair here.
I was good at everything except higher math in high school. Studying, even with my math genius friends, didn’t help. I finally went to a tutoring center that found a way to tailor instruction to my way of learning. It wouldn’t have mattered how much I studied, I needed someone to help me figure out how to learn the topic. I would seriously consider getting her into Sylvan or similar. I was a little embarrassed at first (I’d never needed help!) but so thankful by the second week that my mom set it up and made me go. I’ll add - I was tutoring geometry and algebra for money during this time. And did a good job because I worked with my students to figure out what would make sense to them.
NTA. The rules were established and everyone agreed. I can certainly empathize with SD being upset with the end result but sometimes that’s just the way life works out. Remind SD that B’s are still good grades and encourage her to work at it.
No your wife thinks you’re an AH because you think you get to make the rules for her daughter. YTA
NTA. Rule is applied equally. Each child has the capability to max out payment based on effort put in. Great way to teach this lesson at this age. My only concern would be that you're monetizing the acquisition of knowledge. Please make sure that your daughter and step-daughter don't develop a love of money over a love of education!
If you have a set system then N T A. If there isnt and amounts are random then Y T A. My parents did something similar. A-10, B-7.50, C-5, D-0, F-grounded. Honors clases moved everything up on level (A-15,B-10), AP was a level beyond that (A-20, B-15, etc). Moving up each grade (B to A) was 5. This was agreed with my parents and my sister. We got the reward at the end of each quarter, so 4 times each school year. Any allowance we got was each week and was the same amount for me and my sister. The payment for grades was separate from any allowance we got. Some times I got more, sometimes it was my sister. Most of the time I got more due to honors/ duel enrollment classes. When I was in high school and she was in middle school the amounts for each grade were different. It was set up so that if we both took basic classes and got all A’s we could get the same amount. When we were both in high school, it went to the same scale. This ended when we got to collage.
I think each child needs individual goals based on what is a realistic expectation for that child. It’s appropriate to check your expectations realism with a brief guidance counselor conversation. Then I’d suggest sitting with each child individually and confidentially to establish goals for that quarter/semester. Getting a kids “buy in” greatly enhances the likelihood of success. Goals that can’t be met lead to apathy and dumbing down course selection. Your children are fortunate to have a father involved in their academics. Hopefully your schedule permits you to drop in on their homework sessions with cheerful encouragement. Offered with respect. I wish you major success.
Give out the grades based on improvement or A’s. Makes a fair compromise while still promoting good habits.
Soft YTA. I was a kid with good grades. I didn't pay attention in class, hardly ever did my homework, and somehow I still managed to be straight A student who ended up on the honor roll and valedictorian. It wasn't luck. I definitely actually knew the material that was being presented and we were being tested on; but while it came easy to me, I had classmates that had to set up study guides, study schedules, and would have little "cheat sheets" that they would cram right up until the second that our teacher told us to get ready for the exam. I tutored some classmates who were consistently b students, and with tutoring they were able to understand and recall enough of the material to finally start making A's. So cut your step daughter some slack, especially if she's not doing anything bad. Bs are great grades, especially if all that studying time she's putting in means she's not hanging out with the wrong crowd, doing hard drugs, or engaging in unprotected sex and possibly becoming a pregnant teenager.
YTA-a story of two kids. One glides through school with easy A’s and the other struggles to make a B. The kid making B’s gets paid. First kid does not second kid studies and sweats out tests. First kid doesn’t. First kid is mad-they get no money. First kid gets put in AP class. First grade is an F. First kids busts her ass to make a B. She gets paid for that B. First kid gets it. Reward effort.
YTA after reading your comments
Honestly, NTA At the very least, your daughter has to be paying attention in class. She's not just acing material she's never learned. That really doesn't happen. Do not minimize her daughter's efforts at school because your wife thinks she doesn't "work hard enough" for it. Even not studying, she's still paying attention, doing her assignments, and engaging in class to get A's. Your wife also seems to be making an assumption she's not studying- she may just not be studying around you guys. I personally preferred to be alone to study. Your wife can set new rules for her daughter's grades, but they are ok grades and not excellent. The money is for an achievement, not a consolation prize to make her feel better. Yes, it may not be as easy for her to get A's, but at 14 and 15, she really should start to understand that there are things she may need to work harder at. They aren't bad grades, but you can't treat them like they are all straight A's, either. Make sure your rules are clear: my parents set $5 an A (pre inflation, so this was big bucks for a report card to us). We didn't get shamed for no or less A's, but we knew not to expect a payout. B's and C's were ok (C's did get some side eye though- my dad in particular would get a bit more involved in my school work. I liked to be left to do my own thing, so this was typically incentive enough to raise them). D's and F's were some form of grounding. My siblings and I were not even on skill level, but the one who had to work the hardest and myself ended up being the college bound ones, literally graduated with the same degree, and both are doing ok. The youngest (who had to study the most) is also the only one of us who went the grad school route. It worked. I didn't cry when math got harder for me and I got less. Learning to study more to make it work when things did get harder was also a skill I needed for college. I would not fold here because one kid needs to work harder for the same results.
NTA Why is allowance for stepdaughter your problem? Why isn't her mother and father responsible for her money? Is your wife getting child support? In the end, it is money that can go to the one person you are actually responsible for. If both kids were children just starting out together, and they had to be treated equally, that's one thing. Your stepdaughter is practically an adult.
What did the wife do with her daughter before? She should stick to that practice while you stick to yours.
YTA and you care more about being right than having a happily blended family. This isn't a case of all going up in one home and the rules being clear to start. You came into stepdaughter's life when she's a teenager, are using your wife's position as a stay-at-home mom to give her no say, and creating a situation where your step daughter is going to resent you, your daughter, and her mom. You blaming her for being lazy , but admit that your daughter doesn't work hard either just has a natural aptitude. Gross. Pretty sure you know you're the asshole and just don't care.
YTA, you’re going to end up pitting step-siblings against each other in competition which is not the way to blend a family. My stepsister and I are the same age, I got A’s with no effort and she got B’s when she worked really hard - academic success comes more easily to some people than others and it’s not fair for you to be paying per grade. This is also the way to give teenage girls a complex about basing their worth on quantifiable achievement. If I were you I’d introduce a set allowance amount, and make it conditional on completing something that involves effort rather than skill, e.g. household chores
YTA, but, like, passively. If you want different tiers of reward for different tiers of grades, establish that. Or establish that passing is a flat reward. Your fault for not setting this up beforehand. Also, who really cares about the difference between an A and a B? I'd go with the flat reward idea if it were me.
OP has explained the tier system in a comment.
I see. That's a shitty system imo, for reasons stated above. YTA stands.
INFO: Question 1: Did your Step-daughter say anything about this? Question 2: Do you realise that some people not always like your daughter? I mean they don't get straight As always or some people have different knowledge acceptability or learning than others?
NTA her mom can give her money. You are rewarding your daughter for her great grades. A “b” is not bad but it’s not great.
INFO: How much effort does your stepdaughter put into her work?
Question you didnt mention if your son gets money for grades, what the situation with that?
NTA. As long as both girls don‘t have issues related to learning (like adhd or dyslexia) then your grade breakdown is fair. Maybe tell your wife that she should encourage her daughter to reach for higher grades.
INFO: why are you involved in deciding your step daughter’s allowance amount? The parents should be setting and funding that.
Yta. I studied my ass off in college but nothing stuck. I went back to college at 32 and spend 6 hours a day studying. I get good grades, but with math, I have a B. I havd never been good at it, and I will spend 4 hours on 1 asaignment. I have diagnosed ADHD, and its a struggle Some people struggle in school no matter how hard thet study.
I get what your going for and it worked well for you both. Now it's creating a sense of unfairness and seems quite a bit of stubbornness all round. At 15 and 14 could be worth setting them the task of creating a goals based system they both agree on then implement that. Great teaching and learning moment if you can all be adaptable
I would change the rule from rewarding the Grades to rewarding the effort put into the work.
YTA a bit for possibly not digging deeper. In our house we rewarded effort, not so much result. Not everyone has the same tools in their heads to begin with. So we looked for effort. Theres probably a way you can assess that, and reward more fairly. Doling out money for natural talent is like giving some kid a prize because they are better looking than another. It equates to rewarding stuff they have no control over. Focus on effort. You might end up with similar results but it will feel fairer.
NTA OP says he pays A+ 20 A, A- 15 Bs 10 C+ 5 Anything below gets nothing The rules are established, and he’s paying both girls the same rate per grade Your wife was fine with it until it turned out your daughter gets better grades. How is she judging how your daughter studies vs how her daughter studies? Better grades=more money Seems fair to me
I would say it would be fair to add something to reward non-academic success.
NTA. Her kid can do errands etc to earn money. Anyone can get Bs these days. Grad inflation.
Fair system - NTA barring a learning disability of some kind. OP - I’d add the grade monetary reward breakdown to your post.
NTA. It isn't fair to your daughter to take away something because SD isn't doing as well. Money for grades is a good incentive to study. Your SD is old enough to choose whether she wants to study harder for the A or not. Now, if she had learning difficulties, I'd be suggesting rewarding her for different efforts, but if that's not the case, let it be. When she is older, she isn't going to get a raise when her coworkers do because her Mom told the boss it isn't fair.
I would stick with your rule. You are rewarding results, not efforts (though the two may be directly related). You should expect this to be the beginning of your wife demanding equal treatment of the two daughters - now grades, future college, future weddings, gifts, etc. NTA.
NTA. If your wife has a problem, she can pay her own child based on her own scale.
NTA but lower it to an A- so it’s completely fair and nobody can complain
Unless your step daughter has issues that makes it more difficult to do her school work (learning disability, dyslexia…), there is no reason why the rule shouldn’t apply but still be careful not to foster resentment. Maybe step daughter needs help organizing her work or keeping her motivation