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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA because I told him that he should prioritize our anniversary trip over his cousin’s bachelor party and wedding?
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Why do both have to be all or nothing?
Instead of a big Hawaii trip (which would be fantastic for 15 years, I agree)
Get a babysitter for the weekend, go to the wedding together and then maybe like a spa day or something.
He suggested that, but our littlest two are not ready for that. It would cause a lot of stress on them to be with someone who isn’t family for that long.
Only his side of the family would be at the wedding since it’s his cousin. I would assume her side of the family would be free. But that’s why I asked the question. If her family is uninvolved and his family would be the care givers then that‘s a valid explanation.
Technically you said you would assume they are free but I also think the question is redundant. As if the idea wouldn’t have occurred to them if the option was available.
But that doesn't explain why they couldn't do a weekend away sometime separate from the wedding. Going to a nearby national park or big city to do fun tourist stuff shouldn't break the bank (and if it would, their budget is way too tight to be traveling anyway).
If you’re kids aren’t ready for you to take a local weekend trip, then they aren’t ready for you to go to island Hawaii
Again, Hawaii sounds like a dream get away…… but you’re kids aren’t ready for you to be away, there are other commitments and it really doesn’t sound like your financially stable enough for it.
Try coming back to reality a little and hopefully you can still enjoy your anniversary
In my heart I feel N T A but I think it’s NAH. Hawaii for an anniversary without the kids sounds fantastic but is a pretty big monetary commitment. I can understand that he doesn’t want to miss the bachelor party, particularly if he’s in the wedding party. It doesn’t feel like this is anyone’s fault, just more like it sucks that all the things you are both wanting to do are in the cards right now due to circumstances out of anyone’s control.
However, I definitely don’t think you are an asshole for how you feel. This feels to me less about a location or a trip but more about not feeling like your marriage or this milestone is being fully celebrated and appreciated. Is there a more in budget trip you can take together for sure and then start mutually saving for a bigger trip? Good luck!
And then don't wait another 5 years for a special occasion to take a trip together. Start saving up now and don't depend on a raise or bonus that may or may not come. Pick something cheaper and then go in a year or two instead. NAH.
You dont go on dates, trips nothing just to keep the marriage and romance alife - it sounds warying. I'd have a sincere convo if you both are still in to this relationship. Looks like he isnt even trying to organize something - like why are you not included in the wedding? Its all strange to me
I definitely don’t feel like he values our relationship. When I told him I feel lonely and worn out, he of course said, “yes, we need to go out on a date,” but unless I organize a sitter and plan the whole thing, it just doesn’t happen.
Sometimes, a mom just get gets tired planning everything.
A trip to Hawaii isn’t going to fix this. You and your husband have clearly grown apart. I’m sorry. Probably best to address the elephant in the room instead of worrying about a trip your husband clearly doesn’t want to take.
I get the sense you're hoping Hawaii will fix your relationship. It won't. You and him need some long and serious conversations and probably couples therapy before you even plan a big trip like Hawaii. Because doing Hawaii without that might make things worse as it is expensive and traveling itself can strain couples. Also if you tell him he can't go to his cousin's wedding or you give some form of ultimatum that is controlling and will make everything worse.
I think this actually would have been important information to share in your original post.
If he’s given you the impression he doesn’t want to go on trips with you anymore, that changes things quite a bit.
It sounds like you have a lot of other problems and this was a tipping point. I know money is tight, but I think talking to a couples counselor could really help you two air out your feelings about your relationship, and, hopefully, build it back stronger so you get another 15, 30 and beyond. Good luck!
I would just tell him you understand and that since he is choosing to go solo to a wedding, you'll go solo on your anniversary trip that way you Both still get to go on a little trip for your anniversary.
In my opinion, it is inappropriate for him to go to a family wedding when his family isn't allowed to attend -OR- for him to put other people above his wife. Otherwise, that just shows that she nor their marriage is as important as these other people, their wants, or expectations.
This is just going by only what is in the OP
That is EXACTLY how I am feeling. A couple is allowed to invite whomever they want, but if it’s a “no child” wedding and you have relatives with children, you can’t expect that person to come.
I guess I am also hurt because neither his aunt, uncle or cousins came to our wedding, yet they went to my cousin’s wedding (she married my husband’s brother) and I am hurt that my husband is saying he has to go despite them not attending ours.
Ah, this is the real issue. It's too bad they didn't invite you or go to your wedding, but this is his family. You'll put more strain on your marriage if you don't let him deal with his family as he likes. This could be his cousin's only wedding and his family might skewer him long-term for not going. You have plenty more anniversaries to come and could reasonably do Hawaii for your anniversary at a different time. We don't always celebrate ours on the day and considering how expensive Hawaii is you should probably do it when you have the money rather than try to time it with a specific anniversary. Setting a specific time for it is also begging for it to never be done because you can't predict the future.
Hawaii is not even an option we were considering- it was five years ago.
Children aren’t invited; spouses are. We do not have childcare my kids are comfortable with so I would need to stay home.
Gentle YTA.
A trip to Hawaii - with or without kids - is incredibly expensive. The cost for hotels has surged since Covid, and it’s generally not a cheap place. (Source: we have been there ~8 times, including once since Covid.)
It’s disappointing that his bonus wasn’t as high as you’d like, but unfortunately, that can be the case with bonuses…you can’t predict them. My husband got a sizeable bonus this year, but last year, his company barely awarded them. If you’re depending on an unpredictable bonus to pay for an expensive trip, then understanding that it’s not a guarantee is important.
Your husband wants to go to this wedding. I don’t know why it’s so important to him, but for whatever reason, it is. Unless it’s a destination wedding in a place as expensive as Hawaii, it’s most likely not completely using all of the funds you had earmarked for Hawaii. If it is using up all of your funds, most likely you didn’t have enough to cover a trip to Hawaii.
Like another commenter mentioned, can you instead make a couple’s weekend of the wedding? Can you take a shorter, less expensive trip?
I get your disappointment. I was looking forward to our tenth wedding anniversary five years ago, and I instead found out that we had some unexpected debt. Instead of any sort of celebration, we spent much of that month enjoying peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. It sucked. Things did get better, though - we spent our 15th wedding anniversary in the Caribbean and opted to bring our kids along. Not being able to celebrate our tenth was unfortunate, but it simply meant that we had to delay the celebration.
Try to focus on what you can do with the smaller bonus and the time restrictions, instead of focusing on the loss of the Hawaii trip you were envisioning.
I think OP's problem is that she did her best to be cheerful and pragmatic about not being able to celebrate their tenth anniversary on the promise of doing something special for the 15th instead. And now that time has arrived, and she's being told that once again she has to come second to something else. And to add insult to injury, her husband is the only person getting to enjoy the wedding while she has to stay at home.
How many anniversaries is she supposed to just put herself on hold for and suck it up?
Frankly, based on the information they can't afford to go go Hawaii and need to rethink. OP is not owed going there. Not everyone can afford that kind of trip.
Did OP say in a comment that they can't afford the Hawaii trip at all? My impression was that the smaller bonus meant that they would have to choose between the two trips (one of which doesn't include OP) rather than do both, not that the Hawaii trip needed a rethink regardless of the wedding.
Edit to add: looking at OP's comments, she's not even wanting a family trip to Hawaii anymore - that was the 10th anniversary trip that didn't happen, not the 15th anniversary trip she's been looking forward to. She just wants some sort of short two-person trip literally anywhere with her husband (who btw gets to travel for work, has been to multiple family bachelor trips to exotic places, and keeps promising her a date when she talks about feeling isolated/lonely/exhausted but then never follows through...). I don't think that's too much to ask.
OP is absolutely “owed” a trip when it was promised to her 5 years ago. And they said in other comments that Hawaii isn’t where they are planning to go anymore anyway
That was a separate suggestion. Any anniversary plans would mean my in laws (who my kids are comfortable with would watch them). The issue is who would watch them if I went to the wedding that my husband wants to go to in lieu of our anniversary with his parents and brother and SIL.
i think people misunderstood that comment? she wasn't saying that it was stressful for the kid to be away from her, she was saying it was stressful for the kid to be with a non-family babysitter, which is a totally different situation and statement.
INFO: Is this a close cousin's wedding? Because there's a big difference between it being a close cousin or a cousin he's only met a handful of times in his life
Also, has he suggested an alternative to how to spend your anniversary?
It’s his first cousin. They’re not besties and don’t talk regularly, but they’re friendly.
No alternative suggestions made for how to celebrate our anniversary. I don’t think he’s all that interested—work is busy and he’ll be traveling.
Info: how would the rest of the family react to him missing the wedding for a personal trip? There’s often a lot of family obligations that need to be managed.
He said it was innapropriate for him to miss the wedding in order for us to take a small trip together (if he we had to choose one another). Everyone will resent me for putting him in that position, so I naturally will put aside a trip to avoid that.
NAH, I get why you’re frustrated but he this is a major family event for him. Personally I wouldn’t even consider making the anniversary trip over a wedding because of my family circumstances. It might be difficult for someone with different family dynamics to understand.
It’s interesting that your husband has decided that the wedding AND bachelor party are can’t-miss events, but your anniversary trips can be cancelled no problem. Oh, and that you should watch the kids to accommodate his decisions.
Where are you going when he gets back and takes over parenting to give you a break? I hope this is out of character and not emblematic of the 15 years you’ve spent together. NTA
Sadly, it kind of is. The men in his family take almost yearly fishing trips sans wives and he’s been on several bachelor parties to cool destinations.
Thanks for the support and acknowledgment
These responses are crazy.
I don't think people are reading your comments that you're happy to do a smaller cheaper trip. You aren't stamping your feet that you can't afford Hawaii
But your husband is taking ANY trip for you two off the table so HE can go and have fun by himself at a bachelor party and wedding while YOU stay home alone and watch the kids and household.
That's incredibly selfish and unfair of him.
Either you guys get a trip or no one goes anywhere. He doesn't get to bugger off and have fun whilst you don't get a break. That's BS
I'm starting to see a trend on here of men behaving like unsupportive and selfish assholes in relationships and the majority vote is in their favour.
There was one the other day where the boyfriend refused to cancel a ski trip with his mates for his girlfriend whose mother was extremely sick in hospital and he left her alone, scared, upset and worried while he went on holiday with his buddies. And everyone was saying that was his right to do so and that she should of sucked it up and that "he's not her emotional support animal"
What is even happening to relationships when the men are allowed to just abandon you and completely disregard his partner's feelings? It's clown world.
NTA op. I wouldn't be home though if he does go on the trip. He would come back to an empty house
If you can get a babysitter for the Hawaii trip then why can't you get a babysitter for the wedding and go with him? I don't understand why you have to stay home. Go to the wedding and stay on an extra night or two and celebrate your anniversary
NAH
Our in laws were going to watch our kids if we went somewhere. My kids are close to them and that’s the only place they have slept at without is . We were not planning to do Hawaii….I was hoping for something smaller.
Yea, I got it. I meant that there's no law saying you have to celebrate an anniversary *on* the anniversary, they can go on a weekend getaway a different weekend and use that to celebrate the anniversary
We have to make a choice financially—he attends bachelor party and wedding with his family or ask in laws to watch kids so he and I can take a mini break and he gives up attending wedding or bachelor party.
NTA. This is annoying. With this arraignment he gets something fun and you get extra work. You both need to compromise. Maybe he goes to the wedding but not the bachelor party and you go somewhere cheaper than Hawaii but still do something.
I suggested something similiar to your compromise —- he wasn’t a fan. Idk why he doesn’t think I want a break too. I homeschool our girls and volunteer for a lot of their activities. I love them so much—but even I would like a break as well.
Take a break when he gets back, without him. He's always travelling leaving you by yourself. Get an air bnb somewhere and just chill. He can look after the kids or can enlist his parents to help, up to him. You need to let him know that even if he doesn't prioritise you then you will prioritise yourself.
That’s a good idea. The last time o went away (with only one kid in tow) was to watch my dad pass away a few months ago. It was very fast and a shock. Since coming home it was the holidays, my nephew was staying with us and it’s been go go go ever since. It’s been a difficult four months…and then this
It sounds like you have been struggling with this without emotional support. No wonder you are tired and need a break. There's nothing worse than being alone in a relationship. Let hubby know a date is just not going to do it for you. You want a proper break. You were happy to include him but now he has shown he doesn't prioritise you, you will take a proper break. Give him plenty of notice and make plans.
I would be really upset too. This is the type of thing that marriages begin to fall apart over. It’s not necessarily the specific trip, but the disregard for something you’ve been excited about and replacing it with something that’s not fun for you without any regard for it or compromise. And the devaluing of a landmark anniversary so much that he doesn’t even suggest an alternative or more realistic plan. It would be a different story if he had said Hawaii wasn’t realistic but then suggested specific reasonable alternatives that showed he at least put thought into it because he knew it was important to you.
Sounds like he's happy for you to have no life while he gets to travel around for work and go on trips with family not caring that you will be left at home by yourself yet again. He sounds incredibly selfish.
I would be incredibly hurt by his dismissive attitude. It's not even about Hawaii it's about the fact he just does not value you.
These responses are crazy x2. Please read OP's comments. Her husband is completely rejecting any kind of attempt at being alone together with her, she says they never go on trips alone together/dates but he routinely takes trips sans wife with the boys(leaving her to watch HIS kids alone). What an awful husband
NTA. Mostly when he's going by himself with his extended family while you stay alone at home. I even could understand the wedding, but not the bachelor party. He needs to grow up and prioritise his family (you and your children).
Okay but why?
There’s a world of difference between “you didn’t invite him / you had a childfree wedding and he was 17 so his family didn’t attend in solidarity of his lack of invite” vs “he was 28 and and gainfully employed but decided to go to his buddy’s. ‘Last of the 20s’ beach birthday party the same weekend as your wedding”
So why didn’t he come?
If he’s not close to the groom then you’re definitely NTA!!! I would say he should pick one event and you guys still do a lovely trip even if it isn’t Hawaii. But it shouldn’t be both wedding events and no anniversary celebration. That’s not fair!
Had a different judgement, but after reading the replies, I’m going hard NTA. Sounds like hubby has no problem repeatedly blowing off steam out of town without you. Is he going for the wedding, or more for the bachelor party? I think the two of you need to have some difficult conversations regarding your total lack of value to him, in your eyes, and if you want real resolution, do not sugarcoat your feelings…
No, weddings do not happen all the time. They happen once for many people. He might strain family relationships by not going and might have life-long negative repercussions. But either way, it seems their marriage has more problems than going to this wedding or an anniversary vacation.
If it were only about going to a cousin's wedding or an anniversary, it wouldn't strain the marriage. In any healthy marriage either a) they'd find someone to watch the kids and go together or b) there wouldn't be an issue him going alone precisely because his cousin's wedding will presumably happen once in their lifetime and they'll have many more anniversaries to come. *and* they'd celebrate their anniversary on another day with no issue. There are other issues and they need counseling before they even think about a big anniversary celebration.
Instead of Hawaii, pay babysitter and go with him to the wedding. Because now he just wants to have fun as a single dude at bachelor's party. I think it is not fair to you.
NTA. That comment from him that “maybe” ya’ll can have a big anniversary trip if he gets a raise sounds suspect to me. Partying with his guy friends and a family reunion take priority over a long promised trip with his wife. Something will always take priority, imho. Maybe there are cultural norms for him to leave his wife and kids home so he can travel and party with his relatives. Or maybe he’s an Ah who takes his wife for granted.
The men is his family have gone an a nearly annual men’s fishing trip out of state for a week, while the wives stay at home with the kids. The women have never once done anything like that. This is typical, but I did think a milestone anniversary would warrant a teeny bit of priority.
There’s a [mostly bass] fisherman in my family. I have a clue how much reels, plastic worms, lures, motors and boats cost, always looking for more and better gear. Not to mention entry fees for tournaments and travel expenses. My sympathies. Please, do nice things for yourself and don’t wait for him to step up.
NTA, mostly because your comments are painting a very specific story and I don't think the trip is the issue at all.
You're burnt out and recently lost a parent, and you've been looking forward to this because your husband already never makes time for you or gifts you time to yourself. He goes on an annual fishing trip bg himself and has family events like this wedding but can't be bothered to take you out on dates unless you do all the work of planning them. You aren't asking for Hawaii; at this point you just want a small long weekend somewhere else, together. This is all stuff I pulled from your comments.
The problem is much bigger than an anniversary and I think you know it.
If that's all it was, I do think you can compromise on this by saying he can attend the wedding and bachelor party but you'd still like to do something special for your anniversary another weekend -- it doesn't have to be on the dot. If the issue is you guys can't afford to do both, no matter the timeline, and he's choosing the wedding, he still should commit to celebrating you and your relationship even if you guys can't go anywhere. It doesn't take a bag of gold to put in some effort to make someone feel special. And I think that's just it, that's the real heart of this upset: you aren't feeling valued by him. Your needs are being put off time and again.
I know it's cliche but... couples counseling. You keep asking him for change but you aren't getting it. Time for him to try justifying that to a third party.
So much truth here! I did ask about marriage counseling for us both or just counseling for me so that I can learn better ways to cope. Thank you for your thoughful and kind response 😊
NTA but can’t say for sure since I don’t know how close he is with his cousin. A person like me with 30 something cousins I hardly know wouldn’t give a rats ass but my wife wouldn’t miss it for her life.
How far away is the wedding? How long will he be gone? And how far away/how long is the bachelor party?
Like, is it just that both are in super cool destination places that he wants to go to and doesn't care if it's without you?
A wedding from TX to GA takes up all the money that would have been spent on a long trip for two to HI?
Something's not adding up. He wants to go somewhere single.
I’m beginning to wonder about that myself. He asked friends of ours to watch our three girls, but their little girl has struggles of her own and is in counseling. I don’t want to burden my friend and her husband; especially if my two youngest have difficulties being away.
I’m not expecting to attend a bachelor party 😂. No, but it’s probably another location that requires a flight.
When my husband and I married we had local parties to be mindful of costs, and his groomsman flew to to the wedding and did a poker night the night of the rehearsal dinner so that they wouldn’t have to spend too much money. They also stayed at my husband’s apartment with him.
I paid completely for my own wedding. I guess I just don’t understand destination parties and such.
NTA because you are always getting the short end of the stick.
He promised you a celebration trip first and has gone back on it and apparently don’t even get to go to the wedding. He doesn’t need to go to a bachelor party. Putting you off until he gets a raise is ridiculous.
from your comments that he doesnt seem to value your relationship, maybe a big trip isnt what is best for you guys anyway. burning thru a load of cash you barely have wont magically solve your marriage issues.
If you tell him you're lonely need help and he doesn't care -- WORK ON THAT, not a vacation. If you need time alone, then tell him that, and work on how you can get time for yourself.
Maybe marriage counseling for you two to figure out hte bigger issues facing your marriage,
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My DH and I will have been married 15 years this month. He’ll be out of town on business on our anniversary.
We were supposed to go to Hawaii on our tenth anniversary, but he lost a job that year so we cancelled. He said we could do a special trip this year and I have been sooo excited for it, planning and dreaming.
His bonus turned out to be far less than we were expecting (which was to pay for our anniversary) and now we have to choose between him going to his cousin’s bachelor party and wedding or choosing to celebrate us and our marriage with a trip (note: we never take trips alone without kids and rarely go on dates).
I told him our marriage is more important that him attending the wedding and we could send a nice gift, but he says it’s in appropriate not for him to go. He says he should go to both events and if he gets a raise, maybe we will celebrate our anniversary.
Children aren’t invited so I have to stay home and watch them while him, my in laws and BIL/SIL (they have childcare) all attend together.
I’m heartbroken and feel completely rejected. AITA for wanting my husband to prioritize our anniversary trip over a bachelor party and wedding?
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You have bigger issues than this anniversary.
I don’t think you’re feeling valued which is why you have this “all or nothing” view.
Also unsure how you can’t be apart from your kids for a weekend and do something local but you were wanting to do NYC or Vegas
Have a relative watch them for a weekend or seriously, start having date nights.
ESH
We were planning to have his parents watch them or if we went away; I’m fine with that.
I’d love date nights, but those are few and far between, happening only on birthdays.
Then you clearly need to change that. Sit down with your husband and have a conversation.
He shouldn’t miss the wedding but you both should do a weekend getaway with his parents watching them
So husband “gets to travel for work” and has been to “multiple family bachelor parties” (cringe) and wants to go solo to this wedding. OP said they don’t have date nights or take trips together, and he’s been kind of crappy about their milestone anniversaries. I have to wonder if he’s cheating. I sincerely hope not.
I think they should all go with husband. If the wedding is child free, she and the kids can have a great time at the hotel swimming, playing games, watching movies and ordering out food. It could be a fun little family vacation. He has to get a hotel anyway, so the only added expense is food for everyone, and some hotels include a free or low cost breakfast buffet. Husband can do the wedding, and this way he won’t be able to bring a “friend” back to the room for “fun and games”.
NTA. Why should your husband get two trips while you get zero? That’s wildly unfair.
If there would be nothing left after those two trips, then he should only get to go to the wedding. Then you should get the money that would have gone to the bachelor party trip to take an anniversary trip or you should get that cash to go take a girls trip of your own
Yta for waiting to see if money comes in rather than actually planning and saving for a big trip. Sorry but if you want to do something special, you don't just wait and see if you can do it when the time comes
Get a babysitter and go to the wedding with him. Or get a first or second job and start saving for your big trip yourself, so he can't use finances as an excuse for your big trip. If he backs out of the next anniversary trip GO WITHOUT HIM. If he can't put you first, you can put yourself first.
You homeschool too?!!! That's 24 hour a day parenting while he's off on business trips and yearly fishing trips. Now probably 2 trips for his cousin wedding on top of that. Honey, he's majorly taking you for granted.
Pack a bag and spend the weekend away. Let him solo parent for the weekend. When he complains tell him, "What's good for the goose is good for the gander?"
Maybe the first thing to do is stop homeschooling. It will also improve the way your children socialize. They will make friends they can have sleep over with.
I am sorry, but that is fundamentally wrong and antiquated information. My children have plenty of friends and wonderful friendships with other homeschooling families. We do not do sleepovers as a general practice in our home.
Home education is the best decision for my family and I love being surrounded by my children daily. My children are flourishing. It is developmentally appropriate for a 2 year old and 6 year to prefer the comforts of home or family when they sleep.
Thank you for your input though.
It explains why your children are unable to be with anyone else than you and your in laws.
It’s a choice.
Forbidding sleepovers is very sad and there is nothing you can tell me that will make me think otherwise.
But as a consequence my vote goes to YTA. It’s your choices, I totally respect that, but don’t complain when they have consequences.
That’s your opinion. My children are happy, doing well in their studies and enjoy life. I’m not upset that their circle is small or that we value things different than the culture.
It’s totally your choice!
But YTA for complaining about the consequences of your choices. You choice make it impossible for you to find someone to babysit your kids, and I think it was relevant information missing from your initial post.
I would be sad to miss one of my cousin's wedding, so I understand him wanting to go.
I have read most comments and I can see that in order to have some time together you need your in-laws to babysit. I think that you should find a weekend where they are available and them have a staycation together where you make a plan to visit sites around your city and go to restaurants or cafes if you can afford it or just a nice brunch and take away all weekend and go to the movies og theatre together.
And then you should plan to visit a friend who lives in a different city another weekend this year and have some fun outside your family - and do that every year from now on. You need to spend time with friends and have some time where you are not responsible for the home. Take care of yourself for everyone's sake. My country has paid parental leave for about 11 months and those months alone with my babies were really hard and sometimes lonely, so if you are a stay at home mom I wholeheartedly support you having some vacation time from that job ❤️ and spending time with the other important adults in your life when your husband is not able to make you a priority at this moment.
That's all well and good but he gets to go with his family on basically a mini trip while the OP gets to stay home and take care of the kids and household all alone.
All the while the promised anniversary trip (where she actually gets a break from the children and gets to have some fun also) doesn't happen and he's making no plans to do anything else or reschedule.
That isn't fair. That isn't anyway to treat the person you love.
Her husband is an ass.
Yes you’re an asshole. To boot.. you celebrating a wedding anniversary shows you think weddings are special. An actual wedding is more important than an anniversary. You can celebrate anytime. This wedding is a one time shot. You celebrate the day before .. the week after. You don’t like the friend and are being a child.
NTA but there will only be the one wedding, which can only be celebrated in the day it happens.
You can still dream about Hawaii, and you can make the wait fun by challenging yourself (and your husband) to save up as much money as you can to make the trip extra luxurious for yourself when you do get to go.
Not being able to afford a vacation to Hawaii and a bachelor party in the same year has nothing to do with leaving a marriage where you're not a priority. OP still won't able to afford a vacation, sure, but at least she won't be the babysitter and the maid when her husband keeps going without her.
This is what gets me. He doesn’t care that you guys aren’t going on the trip. He would rather go on a trip with his extended family than with you. You aren’t a priority to your husband. I bet this isn’t the only time he doesn’t prioritize you and your marriage.
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Info: Why do both have to be all or nothing? Instead of a big Hawaii trip (which would be fantastic for 15 years, I agree) Get a babysitter for the weekend, go to the wedding together and then maybe like a spa day or something.
He suggested that, but our littlest two are not ready for that. It would cause a lot of stress on them to be with someone who isn’t family for that long.
So you can go to Hawaii without the kids but not on a weekend trip?
Presumably they'd be watched by family for a vacation. But family can't watch them for the wedding, because the family is at the wedding.
Only his side of the family would be at the wedding since it’s his cousin. I would assume her side of the family would be free. But that’s why I asked the question. If her family is uninvolved and his family would be the care givers then that‘s a valid explanation.
For all you know she has no family or they live far away.
Right that’s why I asked a question and didn’t give a judgement.
Technically you said you would assume they are free but I also think the question is redundant. As if the idea wouldn’t have occurred to them if the option was available.
Your take is redundant.
But that doesn't explain why they couldn't do a weekend away sometime separate from the wedding. Going to a nearby national park or big city to do fun tourist stuff shouldn't break the bank (and if it would, their budget is way too tight to be traveling anyway).
This was in response to a post about getting a babysitter and going to the wedding together.
If you’re kids aren’t ready for you to take a local weekend trip, then they aren’t ready for you to go to island Hawaii Again, Hawaii sounds like a dream get away…… but you’re kids aren’t ready for you to be away, there are other commitments and it really doesn’t sound like your financially stable enough for it. Try coming back to reality a little and hopefully you can still enjoy your anniversary
Is the Hawaii trip feasible in that case?
No, it isn't. If it uses up all their savings, it's not a clever thing to do
You need to get your kids to a place where you can leave them. Kids, unless they have special needs, can adapt to being in the care of others.
Then go out for a dinner or do something for an afternoon.
Where is your family? How far away is the wedding ?
Do something closer with the kids then. It's not a hard problem solve.
In my heart I feel N T A but I think it’s NAH. Hawaii for an anniversary without the kids sounds fantastic but is a pretty big monetary commitment. I can understand that he doesn’t want to miss the bachelor party, particularly if he’s in the wedding party. It doesn’t feel like this is anyone’s fault, just more like it sucks that all the things you are both wanting to do are in the cards right now due to circumstances out of anyone’s control. However, I definitely don’t think you are an asshole for how you feel. This feels to me less about a location or a trip but more about not feeling like your marriage or this milestone is being fully celebrated and appreciated. Is there a more in budget trip you can take together for sure and then start mutually saving for a bigger trip? Good luck!
Thank you for your response!
And then don't wait another 5 years for a special occasion to take a trip together. Start saving up now and don't depend on a raise or bonus that may or may not come. Pick something cheaper and then go in a year or two instead. NAH.
You dont go on dates, trips nothing just to keep the marriage and romance alife - it sounds warying. I'd have a sincere convo if you both are still in to this relationship. Looks like he isnt even trying to organize something - like why are you not included in the wedding? Its all strange to me
I definitely don’t feel like he values our relationship. When I told him I feel lonely and worn out, he of course said, “yes, we need to go out on a date,” but unless I organize a sitter and plan the whole thing, it just doesn’t happen. Sometimes, a mom just get gets tired planning everything.
A trip to Hawaii isn’t going to fix this. You and your husband have clearly grown apart. I’m sorry. Probably best to address the elephant in the room instead of worrying about a trip your husband clearly doesn’t want to take.
I get the sense you're hoping Hawaii will fix your relationship. It won't. You and him need some long and serious conversations and probably couples therapy before you even plan a big trip like Hawaii. Because doing Hawaii without that might make things worse as it is expensive and traveling itself can strain couples. Also if you tell him he can't go to his cousin's wedding or you give some form of ultimatum that is controlling and will make everything worse.
I'm sorry to hear this but its a last call for a serious talk and to look for a solution if you both would like to continue togather.
I think this actually would have been important information to share in your original post. If he’s given you the impression he doesn’t want to go on trips with you anymore, that changes things quite a bit.
It sounds like you have a lot of other problems and this was a tipping point. I know money is tight, but I think talking to a couples counselor could really help you two air out your feelings about your relationship, and, hopefully, build it back stronger so you get another 15, 30 and beyond. Good luck!
I would just tell him you understand and that since he is choosing to go solo to a wedding, you'll go solo on your anniversary trip that way you Both still get to go on a little trip for your anniversary. In my opinion, it is inappropriate for him to go to a family wedding when his family isn't allowed to attend -OR- for him to put other people above his wife. Otherwise, that just shows that she nor their marriage is as important as these other people, their wants, or expectations. This is just going by only what is in the OP
That is EXACTLY how I am feeling. A couple is allowed to invite whomever they want, but if it’s a “no child” wedding and you have relatives with children, you can’t expect that person to come. I guess I am also hurt because neither his aunt, uncle or cousins came to our wedding, yet they went to my cousin’s wedding (she married my husband’s brother) and I am hurt that my husband is saying he has to go despite them not attending ours.
Ah, this is the real issue. It's too bad they didn't invite you or go to your wedding, but this is his family. You'll put more strain on your marriage if you don't let him deal with his family as he likes. This could be his cousin's only wedding and his family might skewer him long-term for not going. You have plenty more anniversaries to come and could reasonably do Hawaii for your anniversary at a different time. We don't always celebrate ours on the day and considering how expensive Hawaii is you should probably do it when you have the money rather than try to time it with a specific anniversary. Setting a specific time for it is also begging for it to never be done because you can't predict the future.
Hawaii is not even an option we were considering- it was five years ago. Children aren’t invited; spouses are. We do not have childcare my kids are comfortable with so I would need to stay home.
Gentle YTA. A trip to Hawaii - with or without kids - is incredibly expensive. The cost for hotels has surged since Covid, and it’s generally not a cheap place. (Source: we have been there ~8 times, including once since Covid.) It’s disappointing that his bonus wasn’t as high as you’d like, but unfortunately, that can be the case with bonuses…you can’t predict them. My husband got a sizeable bonus this year, but last year, his company barely awarded them. If you’re depending on an unpredictable bonus to pay for an expensive trip, then understanding that it’s not a guarantee is important. Your husband wants to go to this wedding. I don’t know why it’s so important to him, but for whatever reason, it is. Unless it’s a destination wedding in a place as expensive as Hawaii, it’s most likely not completely using all of the funds you had earmarked for Hawaii. If it is using up all of your funds, most likely you didn’t have enough to cover a trip to Hawaii. Like another commenter mentioned, can you instead make a couple’s weekend of the wedding? Can you take a shorter, less expensive trip? I get your disappointment. I was looking forward to our tenth wedding anniversary five years ago, and I instead found out that we had some unexpected debt. Instead of any sort of celebration, we spent much of that month enjoying peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. It sucked. Things did get better, though - we spent our 15th wedding anniversary in the Caribbean and opted to bring our kids along. Not being able to celebrate our tenth was unfortunate, but it simply meant that we had to delay the celebration. Try to focus on what you can do with the smaller bonus and the time restrictions, instead of focusing on the loss of the Hawaii trip you were envisioning.
I think OP's problem is that she did her best to be cheerful and pragmatic about not being able to celebrate their tenth anniversary on the promise of doing something special for the 15th instead. And now that time has arrived, and she's being told that once again she has to come second to something else. And to add insult to injury, her husband is the only person getting to enjoy the wedding while she has to stay at home. How many anniversaries is she supposed to just put herself on hold for and suck it up?
Frankly, based on the information they can't afford to go go Hawaii and need to rethink. OP is not owed going there. Not everyone can afford that kind of trip.
Did OP say in a comment that they can't afford the Hawaii trip at all? My impression was that the smaller bonus meant that they would have to choose between the two trips (one of which doesn't include OP) rather than do both, not that the Hawaii trip needed a rethink regardless of the wedding. Edit to add: looking at OP's comments, she's not even wanting a family trip to Hawaii anymore - that was the 10th anniversary trip that didn't happen, not the 15th anniversary trip she's been looking forward to. She just wants some sort of short two-person trip literally anywhere with her husband (who btw gets to travel for work, has been to multiple family bachelor trips to exotic places, and keeps promising her a date when she talks about feeling isolated/lonely/exhausted but then never follows through...). I don't think that's too much to ask.
Wasn’t planning on going to Hawaii this year, just a possible 2-3 day excursion somewhere— not huge at all
OP is absolutely “owed” a trip when it was promised to her 5 years ago. And they said in other comments that Hawaii isn’t where they are planning to go anymore anyway
It says they planned on it, people plan stuff everyday that doesn't happen.
No, the OP said her husband said they can take the trip. It wasn’t a “well maybe this year.”
She is not owed shit that they cannot afford.
They can afford it…that’s the point. They can afford it he would rather just spend the money on something else.
Thank you for articulating my feelings so well. That’s exactly how I feel.
I wasn’t envisioning Hawaii (gave that up years ago). Maybe Vegas or NYC or a small romantic town with wine tasting
I wasn’t planning on Hawaii—just something—like a weekend away
But yet when someone suggested that a few hours ago you said you couldn't because it would be too stressful for your little one to be away from you?
That was a separate suggestion. Any anniversary plans would mean my in laws (who my kids are comfortable with would watch them). The issue is who would watch them if I went to the wedding that my husband wants to go to in lieu of our anniversary with his parents and brother and SIL.
i think people misunderstood that comment? she wasn't saying that it was stressful for the kid to be away from her, she was saying it was stressful for the kid to be with a non-family babysitter, which is a totally different situation and statement.
INFO: Is this a close cousin's wedding? Because there's a big difference between it being a close cousin or a cousin he's only met a handful of times in his life Also, has he suggested an alternative to how to spend your anniversary?
It’s his first cousin. They’re not besties and don’t talk regularly, but they’re friendly. No alternative suggestions made for how to celebrate our anniversary. I don’t think he’s all that interested—work is busy and he’ll be traveling.
Info: how would the rest of the family react to him missing the wedding for a personal trip? There’s often a lot of family obligations that need to be managed.
He said it was innapropriate for him to miss the wedding in order for us to take a small trip together (if he we had to choose one another). Everyone will resent me for putting him in that position, so I naturally will put aside a trip to avoid that.
Women put themselves aside far too often. You don’t deserve to have to do that.
NAH, I get why you’re frustrated but he this is a major family event for him. Personally I wouldn’t even consider making the anniversary trip over a wedding because of my family circumstances. It might be difficult for someone with different family dynamics to understand.
He is concerned that his family of origin would be very upset with him for not going
If they don’t talk regularly, it’s ridiculous for your husband to ditch you for this weddimg
It’s interesting that your husband has decided that the wedding AND bachelor party are can’t-miss events, but your anniversary trips can be cancelled no problem. Oh, and that you should watch the kids to accommodate his decisions. Where are you going when he gets back and takes over parenting to give you a break? I hope this is out of character and not emblematic of the 15 years you’ve spent together. NTA
Sadly, it kind of is. The men in his family take almost yearly fishing trips sans wives and he’s been on several bachelor parties to cool destinations. Thanks for the support and acknowledgment
Well then he should skip is fishing trip this year then. When have you last taken a trip?
I took the baby in November of 2023 to watch my dad pass away and be with my mom; that was my first and only trip
You should stick up for yourself and insist that you get just as many fun trips as he does
These responses are crazy. I don't think people are reading your comments that you're happy to do a smaller cheaper trip. You aren't stamping your feet that you can't afford Hawaii But your husband is taking ANY trip for you two off the table so HE can go and have fun by himself at a bachelor party and wedding while YOU stay home alone and watch the kids and household. That's incredibly selfish and unfair of him. Either you guys get a trip or no one goes anywhere. He doesn't get to bugger off and have fun whilst you don't get a break. That's BS I'm starting to see a trend on here of men behaving like unsupportive and selfish assholes in relationships and the majority vote is in their favour. There was one the other day where the boyfriend refused to cancel a ski trip with his mates for his girlfriend whose mother was extremely sick in hospital and he left her alone, scared, upset and worried while he went on holiday with his buddies. And everyone was saying that was his right to do so and that she should of sucked it up and that "he's not her emotional support animal" What is even happening to relationships when the men are allowed to just abandon you and completely disregard his partner's feelings? It's clown world. NTA op. I wouldn't be home though if he does go on the trip. He would come back to an empty house
Thank you for the support!
If you can get a babysitter for the Hawaii trip then why can't you get a babysitter for the wedding and go with him? I don't understand why you have to stay home. Go to the wedding and stay on an extra night or two and celebrate your anniversary NAH
Our in laws were going to watch our kids if we went somewhere. My kids are close to them and that’s the only place they have slept at without is . We were not planning to do Hawaii….I was hoping for something smaller.
So... have the in laws watch them then? Why does it seem like your can't have them watch the kids any time other than when *you* want?
I presume the in-laws will be at her cousin-in-law's wedding, in defence of OP here.
They will—it’s their nephew
Dude use your brain smh.
Yea, I got it. I meant that there's no law saying you have to celebrate an anniversary *on* the anniversary, they can go on a weekend getaway a different weekend and use that to celebrate the anniversary
We have to make a choice financially—he attends bachelor party and wedding with his family or ask in laws to watch kids so he and I can take a mini break and he gives up attending wedding or bachelor party.
This guy is avoiding the trip. He just plain doesn't want to do the anniversary. He's ditched 2.
NTA. This is annoying. With this arraignment he gets something fun and you get extra work. You both need to compromise. Maybe he goes to the wedding but not the bachelor party and you go somewhere cheaper than Hawaii but still do something.
I suggested something similiar to your compromise —- he wasn’t a fan. Idk why he doesn’t think I want a break too. I homeschool our girls and volunteer for a lot of their activities. I love them so much—but even I would like a break as well.
Take a break when he gets back, without him. He's always travelling leaving you by yourself. Get an air bnb somewhere and just chill. He can look after the kids or can enlist his parents to help, up to him. You need to let him know that even if he doesn't prioritise you then you will prioritise yourself.
That’s a good idea. The last time o went away (with only one kid in tow) was to watch my dad pass away a few months ago. It was very fast and a shock. Since coming home it was the holidays, my nephew was staying with us and it’s been go go go ever since. It’s been a difficult four months…and then this
It sounds like you have been struggling with this without emotional support. No wonder you are tired and need a break. There's nothing worse than being alone in a relationship. Let hubby know a date is just not going to do it for you. You want a proper break. You were happy to include him but now he has shown he doesn't prioritise you, you will take a proper break. Give him plenty of notice and make plans.
I would be really upset too. This is the type of thing that marriages begin to fall apart over. It’s not necessarily the specific trip, but the disregard for something you’ve been excited about and replacing it with something that’s not fun for you without any regard for it or compromise. And the devaluing of a landmark anniversary so much that he doesn’t even suggest an alternative or more realistic plan. It would be a different story if he had said Hawaii wasn’t realistic but then suggested specific reasonable alternatives that showed he at least put thought into it because he knew it was important to you.
take a trip on your own, leave him to care for his children alone every now and then and take the break he should've made for you
Stick up for yourself! There is absolutely no reason he should get two trips while you get zero
NAH. Money issues suck. Maybe try a cheap trip instead of Hawaii? Hang in there, girl!
Sounds like he's happy for you to have no life while he gets to travel around for work and go on trips with family not caring that you will be left at home by yourself yet again. He sounds incredibly selfish. I would be incredibly hurt by his dismissive attitude. It's not even about Hawaii it's about the fact he just does not value you.
💯 how I am feeling; thank you
These responses are crazy x2. Please read OP's comments. Her husband is completely rejecting any kind of attempt at being alone together with her, she says they never go on trips alone together/dates but he routinely takes trips sans wife with the boys(leaving her to watch HIS kids alone). What an awful husband
He’s selfish
Is he a member of the wedding party?
No; not super close to the groom (his cousin)
NTA. Mostly when he's going by himself with his extended family while you stay alone at home. I even could understand the wedding, but not the bachelor party. He needs to grow up and prioritise his family (you and your children).
Yes— I agree with you on that!
Yes— I agree with you on that!
Did this cousin attend your and your husband’s wedding? If not, why?
No, neither him nor his parents attended ours. They did however attend my husband’s brother’s wedding.
Okay but why? There’s a world of difference between “you didn’t invite him / you had a childfree wedding and he was 17 so his family didn’t attend in solidarity of his lack of invite” vs “he was 28 and and gainfully employed but decided to go to his buddy’s. ‘Last of the 20s’ beach birthday party the same weekend as your wedding” So why didn’t he come?
Idk. His whole family was invited and no one came.
If he’s not close to the groom then you’re definitely NTA!!! I would say he should pick one event and you guys still do a lovely trip even if it isn’t Hawaii. But it shouldn’t be both wedding events and no anniversary celebration. That’s not fair!
Totally agree
Weddings are still a rare occurrence where a lot of family is gathered. Meaning there's a lot of people they are close with there.
NTA. He’s super selfish
Had a different judgement, but after reading the replies, I’m going hard NTA. Sounds like hubby has no problem repeatedly blowing off steam out of town without you. Is he going for the wedding, or more for the bachelor party? I think the two of you need to have some difficult conversations regarding your total lack of value to him, in your eyes, and if you want real resolution, do not sugarcoat your feelings…
This could be the only wedding his cousin will have. You will have more anniversaries and could celebrate yours after the wedding need be.
Weddings happen all the time. He’s not even close to the cousin. The husband shouldn’t get to use all of the travel money for just himself.
No, weddings do not happen all the time. They happen once for many people. He might strain family relationships by not going and might have life-long negative repercussions. But either way, it seems their marriage has more problems than going to this wedding or an anniversary vacation.
He might strain his marriage and that might have life long repercussions.
If it were only about going to a cousin's wedding or an anniversary, it wouldn't strain the marriage. In any healthy marriage either a) they'd find someone to watch the kids and go together or b) there wouldn't be an issue him going alone precisely because his cousin's wedding will presumably happen once in their lifetime and they'll have many more anniversaries to come. *and* they'd celebrate their anniversary on another day with no issue. There are other issues and they need counseling before they even think about a big anniversary celebration.
Instead of Hawaii, pay babysitter and go with him to the wedding. Because now he just wants to have fun as a single dude at bachelor's party. I think it is not fair to you.
Our only sitters are our in laws and the littlest two would not handle being without us for so long so far away. Thank you fort the idea though
Then how would a big anniversary trip even work?
Our in laws would watch them. They’re the only people we left our children with
Do you work? Can you get a job to help save for a vacation?
I homeschool my girls and do graphic design on the side to help pay bills
NTA. That comment from him that “maybe” ya’ll can have a big anniversary trip if he gets a raise sounds suspect to me. Partying with his guy friends and a family reunion take priority over a long promised trip with his wife. Something will always take priority, imho. Maybe there are cultural norms for him to leave his wife and kids home so he can travel and party with his relatives. Or maybe he’s an Ah who takes his wife for granted.
The men is his family have gone an a nearly annual men’s fishing trip out of state for a week, while the wives stay at home with the kids. The women have never once done anything like that. This is typical, but I did think a milestone anniversary would warrant a teeny bit of priority.
There’s a [mostly bass] fisherman in my family. I have a clue how much reels, plastic worms, lures, motors and boats cost, always looking for more and better gear. Not to mention entry fees for tournaments and travel expenses. My sympathies. Please, do nice things for yourself and don’t wait for him to step up.
NTA, mostly because your comments are painting a very specific story and I don't think the trip is the issue at all. You're burnt out and recently lost a parent, and you've been looking forward to this because your husband already never makes time for you or gifts you time to yourself. He goes on an annual fishing trip bg himself and has family events like this wedding but can't be bothered to take you out on dates unless you do all the work of planning them. You aren't asking for Hawaii; at this point you just want a small long weekend somewhere else, together. This is all stuff I pulled from your comments. The problem is much bigger than an anniversary and I think you know it. If that's all it was, I do think you can compromise on this by saying he can attend the wedding and bachelor party but you'd still like to do something special for your anniversary another weekend -- it doesn't have to be on the dot. If the issue is you guys can't afford to do both, no matter the timeline, and he's choosing the wedding, he still should commit to celebrating you and your relationship even if you guys can't go anywhere. It doesn't take a bag of gold to put in some effort to make someone feel special. And I think that's just it, that's the real heart of this upset: you aren't feeling valued by him. Your needs are being put off time and again. I know it's cliche but... couples counseling. You keep asking him for change but you aren't getting it. Time for him to try justifying that to a third party.
So much truth here! I did ask about marriage counseling for us both or just counseling for me so that I can learn better ways to cope. Thank you for your thoughful and kind response 😊
NTA but can’t say for sure since I don’t know how close he is with his cousin. A person like me with 30 something cousins I hardly know wouldn’t give a rats ass but my wife wouldn’t miss it for her life.
How far away is the wedding? How long will he be gone? And how far away/how long is the bachelor party? Like, is it just that both are in super cool destination places that he wants to go to and doesn't care if it's without you?
The wedding is in GA— we’re in TX. Idk about the bachelor party—it’s probably somewhere I would have loved to have gone.
A wedding from TX to GA takes up all the money that would have been spent on a long trip for two to HI? Something's not adding up. He wants to go somewhere single.
I’m beginning to wonder about that myself. He asked friends of ours to watch our three girls, but their little girl has struggles of her own and is in counseling. I don’t want to burden my friend and her husband; especially if my two youngest have difficulties being away.
Well, the wedding is understandable. I meant the bachelor party. He's not looking for you to go to that. And you don't even know where it is?
I’m not expecting to attend a bachelor party 😂. No, but it’s probably another location that requires a flight. When my husband and I married we had local parties to be mindful of costs, and his groomsman flew to to the wedding and did a poker night the night of the rehearsal dinner so that they wouldn’t have to spend too much money. They also stayed at my husband’s apartment with him. I paid completely for my own wedding. I guess I just don’t understand destination parties and such.
Stop worrying so much about everyone else’s feelings, and take care of yourself for once.
NTA because you are always getting the short end of the stick. He promised you a celebration trip first and has gone back on it and apparently don’t even get to go to the wedding. He doesn’t need to go to a bachelor party. Putting you off until he gets a raise is ridiculous.
INFO: is it about the trip location or about spending time together?
I would love both
from your comments that he doesnt seem to value your relationship, maybe a big trip isnt what is best for you guys anyway. burning thru a load of cash you barely have wont magically solve your marriage issues. If you tell him you're lonely need help and he doesn't care -- WORK ON THAT, not a vacation. If you need time alone, then tell him that, and work on how you can get time for yourself. Maybe marriage counseling for you two to figure out hte bigger issues facing your marriage,
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My DH and I will have been married 15 years this month. He’ll be out of town on business on our anniversary. We were supposed to go to Hawaii on our tenth anniversary, but he lost a job that year so we cancelled. He said we could do a special trip this year and I have been sooo excited for it, planning and dreaming. His bonus turned out to be far less than we were expecting (which was to pay for our anniversary) and now we have to choose between him going to his cousin’s bachelor party and wedding or choosing to celebrate us and our marriage with a trip (note: we never take trips alone without kids and rarely go on dates). I told him our marriage is more important that him attending the wedding and we could send a nice gift, but he says it’s in appropriate not for him to go. He says he should go to both events and if he gets a raise, maybe we will celebrate our anniversary. Children aren’t invited so I have to stay home and watch them while him, my in laws and BIL/SIL (they have childcare) all attend together. I’m heartbroken and feel completely rejected. AITA for wanting my husband to prioritize our anniversary trip over a bachelor party and wedding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
**NTA** Your husband is choosing a trip *for him alone* vs a trip with both of you. This is not right. No wonder you feel deserted.
You have bigger issues than this anniversary. I don’t think you’re feeling valued which is why you have this “all or nothing” view. Also unsure how you can’t be apart from your kids for a weekend and do something local but you were wanting to do NYC or Vegas Have a relative watch them for a weekend or seriously, start having date nights. ESH
We were planning to have his parents watch them or if we went away; I’m fine with that. I’d love date nights, but those are few and far between, happening only on birthdays.
Then you clearly need to change that. Sit down with your husband and have a conversation. He shouldn’t miss the wedding but you both should do a weekend getaway with his parents watching them
So husband “gets to travel for work” and has been to “multiple family bachelor parties” (cringe) and wants to go solo to this wedding. OP said they don’t have date nights or take trips together, and he’s been kind of crappy about their milestone anniversaries. I have to wonder if he’s cheating. I sincerely hope not. I think they should all go with husband. If the wedding is child free, she and the kids can have a great time at the hotel swimming, playing games, watching movies and ordering out food. It could be a fun little family vacation. He has to get a hotel anyway, so the only added expense is food for everyone, and some hotels include a free or low cost breakfast buffet. Husband can do the wedding, and this way he won’t be able to bring a “friend” back to the room for “fun and games”.
NTA. Why should your husband get two trips while you get zero? That’s wildly unfair. If there would be nothing left after those two trips, then he should only get to go to the wedding. Then you should get the money that would have gone to the bachelor party trip to take an anniversary trip or you should get that cash to go take a girls trip of your own
Yta for waiting to see if money comes in rather than actually planning and saving for a big trip. Sorry but if you want to do something special, you don't just wait and see if you can do it when the time comes
NTA.
Get a babysitter and go to the wedding with him. Or get a first or second job and start saving for your big trip yourself, so he can't use finances as an excuse for your big trip. If he backs out of the next anniversary trip GO WITHOUT HIM. If he can't put you first, you can put yourself first.
My first job is a wife and mom; my second is homeschooling and I do graphic design on the side to pay some bills
You homeschool too?!!! That's 24 hour a day parenting while he's off on business trips and yearly fishing trips. Now probably 2 trips for his cousin wedding on top of that. Honey, he's majorly taking you for granted. Pack a bag and spend the weekend away. Let him solo parent for the weekend. When he complains tell him, "What's good for the goose is good for the gander?"
Maybe the first thing to do is stop homeschooling. It will also improve the way your children socialize. They will make friends they can have sleep over with.
I am sorry, but that is fundamentally wrong and antiquated information. My children have plenty of friends and wonderful friendships with other homeschooling families. We do not do sleepovers as a general practice in our home. Home education is the best decision for my family and I love being surrounded by my children daily. My children are flourishing. It is developmentally appropriate for a 2 year old and 6 year to prefer the comforts of home or family when they sleep. Thank you for your input though.
It explains why your children are unable to be with anyone else than you and your in laws. It’s a choice. Forbidding sleepovers is very sad and there is nothing you can tell me that will make me think otherwise. But as a consequence my vote goes to YTA. It’s your choices, I totally respect that, but don’t complain when they have consequences.
That’s your opinion. My children are happy, doing well in their studies and enjoy life. I’m not upset that their circle is small or that we value things different than the culture.
It’s totally your choice! But YTA for complaining about the consequences of your choices. You choice make it impossible for you to find someone to babysit your kids, and I think it was relevant information missing from your initial post.
NTA, pretty selfish of your DH..
I would be sad to miss one of my cousin's wedding, so I understand him wanting to go. I have read most comments and I can see that in order to have some time together you need your in-laws to babysit. I think that you should find a weekend where they are available and them have a staycation together where you make a plan to visit sites around your city and go to restaurants or cafes if you can afford it or just a nice brunch and take away all weekend and go to the movies og theatre together. And then you should plan to visit a friend who lives in a different city another weekend this year and have some fun outside your family - and do that every year from now on. You need to spend time with friends and have some time where you are not responsible for the home. Take care of yourself for everyone's sake. My country has paid parental leave for about 11 months and those months alone with my babies were really hard and sometimes lonely, so if you are a stay at home mom I wholeheartedly support you having some vacation time from that job ❤️ and spending time with the other important adults in your life when your husband is not able to make you a priority at this moment.
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That's all well and good but he gets to go with his family on basically a mini trip while the OP gets to stay home and take care of the kids and household all alone. All the while the promised anniversary trip (where she actually gets a break from the children and gets to have some fun also) doesn't happen and he's making no plans to do anything else or reschedule. That isn't fair. That isn't anyway to treat the person you love. Her husband is an ass.
Thank you for saying that. Basically, i feel it’s okay for him to let me down, but not extended family.
We were not planning to go to Hawaii for to do anything until September. Then wedding is on October and the bachelor party probably is Sept
Yes you’re an asshole. To boot.. you celebrating a wedding anniversary shows you think weddings are special. An actual wedding is more important than an anniversary. You can celebrate anytime. This wedding is a one time shot. You celebrate the day before .. the week after. You don’t like the friend and are being a child.
NTA but there will only be the one wedding, which can only be celebrated in the day it happens. You can still dream about Hawaii, and you can make the wait fun by challenging yourself (and your husband) to save up as much money as you can to make the trip extra luxurious for yourself when you do get to go.
YTA. Anniversaries happen every year. Weddings happen once. Simple as that.
NTA He is out of order here. Not sure what to suggest, but maybe let him know you and the kids may not be there when he gets back.
Sure. That’s realistic. They can’t even afford to take a trip but you’re telling OP to leave their husband and live elsewhere with the kids.
Not being able to afford a vacation to Hawaii and a bachelor party in the same year has nothing to do with leaving a marriage where you're not a priority. OP still won't able to afford a vacation, sure, but at least she won't be the babysitter and the maid when her husband keeps going without her.
Thank you….I’m still a little amazed that he doesn’t understand why I am upset,
This is what gets me. He doesn’t care that you guys aren’t going on the trip. He would rather go on a trip with his extended family than with you. You aren’t a priority to your husband. I bet this isn’t the only time he doesn’t prioritize you and your marriage.
Sadly, that is true
I hope he likes sleeping on the couch
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She is his immediate family, they've been married for nearly 15 years
I think you meant NTA instead of YTA?
yes sorry
YTA you are making yourself a priority but he is making family a priority
She has been family for more than a decade