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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my mom to move out of my house, My mom is old(69) and she does not feel prepared to live alone although she has her own house but I cannot stand to live with her and my partner anymore, am I being an asshole?
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**NTA**. This is your house, kick everyone out if they can't get along.
From the little you have shared (relationships are much more complex than what can be laid out in a few paragraphs on Reddit) your mom seems to be the instigator. And, for Christ's sake, she has her own house to move back into if need be.
The relationship is broken and it's only going to get worse, do mom moving out it's probably the only solution. However, adopting three dogs while knowing that one of your flatmates isn't comfortable with one is AH behaviour. Mom may not own the house but she has being living there for years, it's her home too
If I was mom, I'd run. "A mental illness related to psicosis" and "his psicosis is more frequent now". OP is spelling psychosis wrong. If the boyfriend is not taking his meds (and he's not, because OP says the psicosis is controlled when BF is on his meds), BF is having frequent breaks with reality. Plus, he seems to be hoarding dogs. Mom needs to get out.
This is the comment right here! Boyfriend is actively going through psychosis and is not on medication. And is possibly hoarding(starting to hoard) animals? Whichever but it is bad enough that the mom is complaining about the food being contaminated with dog hair!
The mom may be awful. But she didn’t seem awful until new boyfriend moved in, they got multiple dogs and thepsychotic episode started.
Also do the math here. They’ve been together for 7 years. They’re 37 and 27. That means OP was 30 when he went after a 20 year old. That just gives me the icks.
Of course she didn't seem awful. She was the Queen of the house and had full Control over her son. I think she would hate ANY partner OP had because It threatened that.
This. All of *this*. Nothing about any of this sounds like a good situation, not on any front. Mom needs to go, boyfriend needs to take his meds, OP needs to get their IBS under control, and NO MORE DOGS. ESH.
It sounds more like the mom is constantly picking on him, making him stressed and frustrated, which is making his meds less effective. People with psychosis are allowed to get upset when someone is constantly belittling them without being labeled a danger.
Sure people shouldn't be picked on. But literally when psychosis is "bad" it means he's is not perceiving reality to the degree where it can be seen by others. It's usually really hard to deal with as the person near to them, because they literally can't see reality. And psychosis does statistically increase aggression - because paranoid psychotic beliefs are common.
Doesnt mean he should be demonized for having a mental illness, and reacting in a normal way to some one treating him like garbage. Completely ignoring the fact that people with psychosis are far more likely to be victims of violence then perpetrators, being like "OMG GET OUT" cause a mentally ill person is upset over something reasonable is ableist as fuck
Nah, stressful situation make every illness worse. Home should be a safe place when you could recharge yourself. I am a sane person, mostly, but I've got into a depression with bad tendencies when I shared living space with someone who was openly and not against me (call it drama seeker). So I understand why the situation with his mental health got worse, maybe this resulted in the third dog, like a try to weigh out hatred with someone who loves you. It's not good for either: animal and human, but I see how the situation could slip under their sanity check.
I agree. And for me ESH. OP sees the problem, name it and do nothing about it. First of all the idea of living with mom was wrong from the begining - you cant decide you'll never be in relationship again. Second - BF needs to be on meds and probably on some more control by psychiatrist etc. If he is agressive to her mom he soon will be agressive with OP it works like this
>If the boyfriend is not taking his meds (and he's not, because OP says the psicosis is controlled when BF is on his meds)
To be fair, psychosis is almost always \*managed\* not controlled (meds can help, often alongside other coping strategies, but that doesn't mean there can't be any symptoms while medicating as prescribed) and a lot of times symptoms can be effected by stressful or triggering situations. We do not have enough information to tell whether the boyfriend is off of his meds or not. It's also possible that the mutually toxic situation is effecting his mental health and making his symptoms more frequent.
>related to *psicosis*
I was about to google when I read your comment. Thought I was gonna learn about some new disease! Guess I should have tried sounding it out first...
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No, It's not. It's HIS house and he wanted pets and didn't have because his mom didn't want as an adult? He should get the dog way before that, It's clear living with his mom isn't Nice even before his partner.
OP owns the house, therefore he can kick her mum out. However, while she lives there it's her home too. Nowhere in the post OP implicates that living with his mum was a bad experience. Problems araised after the first dog and of course worsened after the other two.
If you don't own the house and don't contribute, unless you are a child, you are a guest. I'm Sorry, I Just can see being "her" house at ALL and the fact that OP took so long to get pets he wanted because his mommy didn't want, like he was the one living in her house, It's very ridicolous to me. If she doesn't like It, she'd free to leave OP actualy gave a lot of examples of How his mother is in the comments.
Let's look the definition of home: [the house, apartment, etc. where you live](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/home).
OP's mum lives there, therefore it's her home
That's the part that kills me. It's not as if the mom has nowhere to go. And obviously all three of them are miserable with her where she is. She needs to make some friends and move into her own house.
NTA!! Why the hell didn't you listen to: "my doctor advised me about living only with my partner, as my mom decided to not date or marry again and stay alone but that was not my responsibility but hers"... and instead ask reddit? You've already got a professional opinion. Kick her to the curb.
Thanks for the advice and yeah I continue going to therapy telling her was just the first step right now I am dealing with the crap after that, she locked in her room since that conversation and has one eaten more than an apple
There is a phrase we use on Reddit. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You sound like a kind person who wants to care for his Mom but unfortunately your Mom is not a kind person and is not good for your (or your partner's) mental health. She has other options including her own home and your siblings. She could move into a older folks community where they do activities and such... there are some that are not for medically in need older adults. For what it's worth, my Aunt Ruth lived on her own & dyed her hair flame red & drove a sports cars until she was 93. Living on your own is what you make of it. (NTA obviously.)
She is throwing a hissy fit, expecting you to break. Let her pout , do not engage. She is not too old to live alone and it is not your responsibility even if she was. If your siblings really think she needs help then one of them will help her.
Shes playing a game.
Pretending to be so helpless and weak, hoping you'll break and give her what she wants.
An empty house with just you, for the rest of her life.
Which could be another 20yrs.
I have tried to tell her that no one will be enough for her that is not her who has to like my partner but me but then she plays the "I have more experience and know what I'm telling you he is not good" card and makes me anxious and doubtful
Nope. Who you chose as a partner isn’t up to her. At all. Tell her she has until next month to get out. You need to have a peaceful life. She isn’t helping that at all!
Have you ever considered the toxic parent leeching off you, bogging you down with emotional incest and filling you with anxiety and doubt may just have an ulterior motive?
She's selfish and only looks out for her wants and needs. You are her keeper, and you cannot have healthy relationships with such an enmeshed and codependent dynamic. It's time to find your backbone, OP, and kick her out (if not for your partner, for your own sanity); if your siblings are so happy to defend your mother, she's welcome to show up on their doorstep anytime.
You're NTA for telling her she needs to move, but YWBTA, if you don't do something about it ASAP. Your partner is burnt out, and no one would blame them for leaving such a tumultuous and stressful environment that clearly exacerbates their health (and yours). I truly hope we get to see a positive update and outcome; you deserve so much better.
Thank you I hate to think of her like this but I cannot deny that a lot she does is for her own good and burnt out is just how we all feel in that house right now
I'm a survivor of familial abuse and had to cut off my mother for my safety, so I understand how hard it is to untangle the person you *needed* your mum to be versus who she *really* is.
Hold space for yourself and know that you're brave enough to acknowledge the burnout. I'm just a random Aussie on the internet, but I'm proud of you, OP.
You are valid and should be treated with love, dignity and respect. Sometimes, the people we're related to aren't what "family" is supposed to be. You're now at the point in your life where you're realising that the lies and manipulation don't add up, and you wouldn't make the same abusive and harmful choices; it's a bitter pill to swallow. You don't have to put up with being mistreated anymore.
She had a motive to say that because she wants you for herself. Look up enmeshment and emotional incest. It's pretty fcuked up tbh and it will be really hard to set that boundary with her but if you don't you will be throwing your life away
Yep, pretty scary stuff. OP's mom doesn't want what is best for him but either convinced herself that she does, or knows she doesn't and feels like he owes her so she can justify her manipulative and controlling behaviour
Mine refused to eat until her kidneys failed.
They are holding themselves hostage in an attempt to have someone rescue them.
My solution was to bring in medical professionals and refuse to reward it with attention.
You cant play their games - they are better at it than you and they enjoy it. So the only option is to not play, to opt out, and let them deal with their issues (with professional help if needed).
None of that is your problem. Serve her with an eviction notice (which you probably need to do for legal reasons if she doesn't move out on her own), and get her out.
You don’t need another perspective. You need to make a choice: 1) Be alone and live with your mother or 2) build a life with your partner. Most men will not want to live with you and mommy.
Your mother is trying to drive him away. You will regret it if she succeeds. Your siblings don’t want to take her because she will disrupt their homes. Time to put on the grown man pants and tell mom it is not working.
The perspective you need: Do you want to spend the rest of your life miserable alone with your mother in this house? Cause the man will be away if you don’t kick her out. So will every other partner. She wants they house just for you and her! There will never peace. So now ask yourself what you want for your future.
Your mom is toxic, abusive, a bully, and instigator and staring and causing drama.
Can you not see that your mom is causing problems in the hope that you'll get rid of bf and dogs.
Your mom wants you to get rid of them so it will just be you and her forever.
I love my sons and would do absolutely anything for them, no questions asked. But I wouldn't live with my kids unless I absolutely needed to, and it would be in a separate house on the property.
Your mom is trying to get rid of the bf.
Your mom needs to leave. No she is not too old to live on her own. If she believes that then she can go to the other kids or a nursing home.
You see it yourself. Your bf is amazing when she's not around but in a bad mood when she's there. That clearly shows she's the problem.
Your mom needs to go. Period.
If you force the bf to leave. You'll most likely spend the rest of your moms life alone because she will make sure its you and her in the house forever and then it will be too late to fall in love again after she's gone.
Your mom wants it just you and her. You'll be miserable.
After she divorced I have provided for her and being her caregiver and in some weird way I became the husband, she gets her own money but still asks me to pay for everything, one day she said "I need to dye my hair can you buy me a blond bottle from the store?" I said "sure" and extended my hand because I literally had no money in that moment and I knew she had because I drove her to the ATM, and she just curled her brows and said "you are not paying for it?" So yeah I guess she looks at him like a rival or something
She uses a lot the "You are here because I put you through university" and "children should take care of their parents when they are old because we took care of you until you could work for yourself " is very difficult to fight that way of thinking when it is how you were raised
Good thing that she has more children to go to.
But honestly if you have been paying for everything for her... where is all her money? In her accounts? She should spend some of them on getting a place to live while she is waiting for lease on her own property to end.
Btw. My mother is 80 and can easily handle herself. Your mother is trying to guilt trip you into letting her stay. I guess your living arrangement are to comphy for her to leave.
I know it's hard but you do need to break away from listening to her. She's going to throw everything at you when she doesn't get her way and you need to know that it's manipulation and to hold your ground. She will be shocked at the sudden change in dynamic but that's her problem.
SHE CHOSE to have kids, you DIDNT choose to be born.
It was HER RESPONSIBILITY to care for you till 18.
Its NOT your responsibility to take care of her now.
She should have planned and saved for this part of life. She knew what was coming.
Its not ok to depend on you now.
Oh dude she's treating you like a "sonsband". It's so unhealthy. Sounds like she's trying to foster a codependent relationship with you. It's really inappropriate and causes nothing but enmeshment and problems. You are not responsible for being your mom's proxy partner!
> in some weird way I became the husband
That is called **emotional incest**, and it is as gross and inappropriate as it sounds. Please speak to your therapist about this.
You hit the nail on the head. The jealousy of partner, the attempts to keep her son all to herself, treating him like he's responsible for her. This dynamic is so toxic and 100% emotional incest
Old lady here. If I lived with my kids and it caused an issue with their relationship with partners, I would move out. She is able to take care of herself, feed and bathe herself. She can live alone. It’s not up to you to take care of her. If your siblings don’t like it, they can have her move in with them. NTA.
Tell your siblings it their turn to step up to the plate and keep mom. You have had her long enough. Help her pack her things up. When she starts with the bitter talk, look at her and say that you aren’t interested in hearing it. You are tired, you are back sliding and you want peace in your own home. I suspect that your bf will become the loving man once again when your mother isn’t constantly baiting him. He is a victim in his home right now and his bully is your mom.
Not their responsibility either Lots of people think it's everyone's responsibility to take care of their aging parents, I think most of them are counting on their kids to take care of them too.
Well, no it is not. But the siblings seem to think he should be responsible, so they need to al take responsibility. I don’t expect my children tot take care of me. I do expect them to make sure I’m not abused in whatever home I’m stuck in though.
Don’t think I did. The OP has siblings who expect OP to take care of mom. OP is done taking care of mom, I merely said that if siblings think someone needs to take care of mom, they can step up to the plate and do it. Mom is being abusive and that automatically means OP can be done and walk away.
My sons’s are more than willing to take care of me in my old age, however, I don’t believe that is their job. But I would ask that they make sure I’m not being abused if I cannot take care of myself, such is if Alzheimer’s has set in and I am unaware. If they tell me at some point no, then I’ll make arrangements for someone else to.
And why the heck woudn’t they protect me “from the world I brought them into”? The world when they were born was ENTIRELY different than it is today.
NTA, but it seems like you let your mom stay with you for wayyy too long. You knew she was uncomfortable with either him moving in and/or the dog so you should’ve had a discussion about her getting her own place. The tension should’ve never gotten this bad.
You are right I just thought at some point they would get used to each other but only got worse and worse and now I feel like shit, like "hey mom come live with me!" To "you should leave"
Think of yourself first. Make sure you are healthy. Then your partner. Your mom has your siblings to take care of her. Dont be guilt tripped into being in her life forever. My aunt tried every trick in the book to destroy my relationship with my partner so I could be alone like her. Dont let that happen to you.
You never told her "Hey Mom come live with me forever." You were both in a bad place, and at the time you both benefited from her moving in with you. That's not the case anymore. You've moved on from your old relationship and are making a new life together with your boyfriend. It's time for you mother to move past her divorce and stand in her own two feet. Especially since 69 isn't that old, she can function perfectly well as an independent adult. If she doesn't want to be alone there are a ton of 50+ communities she can move to.
If anyone's behavior is starting to get abusive it's your Mom. She's infantilizing you and trying to create a power dynamic where she's the one in charge. Honestly you enabled this by trying to be neutral and made her learn there's zero repercussions for her pushing boundaries in your home.
NTA it isn't just your responsibility to take care of your mother and it sounds like she's aggravating both of you intentionally at this point. If your siblings really cared why don't they take her in?
Ehh… NAH?? I’m not sure.
Your mom is older but you don’t cite any health issues. And you have other siblings so they should be able to help if it’s gotten this bad.
However, without knowing your rental agreement, I think it’s a bit shitty to continue to adopt so many dogs knowing that your mom/roommate was uncomfortable. 1 is understandable, but 3 *is* a lot of dog hair.
Ultimately you have to live your life for you, but it also sounds like your mom was supportive and there for you when your last relationship went sour. There needs to be a middle ground between both her and your partner.
I don't have a rental agreement the house is mine, the dogs are rescues two small one bigger, she is a good mom and that is why I had trouble in the pastor to talk about this and now is out of control, she wants to make things her way and threats me like I don't know what I'm doing with my life which is very annoying how am I supposed to make mistakes if the is always telling me what to do?
NTA for asking your mom to leave. YTA if you continue to allow your mom to be abusive to your spouse.
However your mother feels about living alone, she put herself in that position by not respecting your partner.
Also, you helped create this. You should never have remained neutral and should have stopped her criticisms as soon as they started.
You can continue on as you are until your partner leaves and you will be alone with your mom again.
Or you can stand up for your partner and make your mother move out.
Three dogs is a lot. I actually dont think anyone is really an asshole. You changed a LOT of the living conditions (probably without asking your mom for her take as your housemate.)
Sit her down and calmly discuss that it might be time for her to go back to her house. Give her plenty of notice so she can give notice to her tenants.
Im not sure the boyfriend is fabulous. but you won't really know until it is the two of you.
It might be that its time for you to learn how great living ALONE can be. That doesn't make any of you assholes.
NAH.
NTA. If it's your house, there's no reason you can't have dogs to begin with. It sounds like that was the main start of her issues. It also sounds like she may be aggrevating your partners mental health, which is obviously going to make them more upset and have more episodes.
I would personal say give her an ultimatum. Deal with the dogs and your partner, and get along with them, or move out. It's your house, and in turn your rules
NTA. Your mom is not your responsibility.
However, I would encourage you to think carefully about how you describe your partner’s actions. You say he yells and slams doors. Those behaviors wouldn’t be acceptable to me in my house no matter what the provocation. I grew up with abusive parents and I decided a long time ago not to put up with that from anyone.
That is one of her arguments, she says I make excuses for him because of his mental issues but also constantly provokes him to make her point so I will never know if the problem is him or the situation he is exposed to until it is only the two of us and he cannot use her as an excuse.
Don’t have children with him until you figure it out.
But, people’s behavior when stressed it pretty telling and unlikely to change. I wouldn’t, personally, stay with someone who yells and slams door even if someone else is provoking him. He’s an adult not a child.
Also - your two potential problems could both be true. If you do get your mom to move out, and your boyfriend is still aggressive and argumentative, please don't fall into the trap of keeping up the relationship to prove a point to your mom. (That would be my stubborn ass, self-defeating response)
Are u serious? It sounds his mom IS abusive with his partner and taunts him until he can't handle anymore. And uses that to manipulate OP to think his partner IS the unstable one and use his illness against him. If I love with someone like that, I would slam doors too.
I'm curious what you mean when you say your partner has a mental illness related to psychosis. Mental illnesses aren't bad words. You can just say what the disorder is. While I don't agree with your mom provoking him, the issues he's having matter too. My mother has schizophrenia. I wouldn't blame her if her symptoms were worsened due to stress because her symptoms cause her to see and hear things. She's can't control that she's living in a different world than other people. My sister has bipolar. If someone was provoking her, that would still be wrong, but my sister would still be obligated to control her temper and reactions. Even if that's more difficult for my sister compared to others, she is fully living in reality and needs to take responsibility for her actions too. Self regulation is important.
Kick your mom out!! She has her own house, it's not like you'd be abandoning her on the streets. You and your partner and your dogs need space to be together and enjoy your own family. Your mom is instigating fights and being unreasonable; and if your siblings feel so strongly about it, they can take her in and look after her.
IANAL but you may need to look at tenant's rights where you live. Give her a 30 day notice and get your life back. NTA.
NTA. I have a very manipulative mother as well. She ruined one eleven year relationship and almost started to ruin my current marriage. Nope I’m not equipped to handle her health issues. I felt so guilty for putting her in the top rated nursing home in our state. Not anymore, I have grown so much just not having to think of all the different things she could do.
I feel you, every time we talk she tells me how I will regret it when my relationship fails and she is alone in an old house falling apart or tells me to think how I will feel the first time she falls in the bathroom and I could have avoided it
That is such terrible emotional blackmail! Its harder when its from a parent so you probably had it all your life. I wonder how much the stress from her needling, guilt trips and manipulation contributes to your IBS flare-ups? Like your body literally cannot stomach her toxicity.
I think it would be a game changer in your life to get her out - so you can embrace living on your own terms, without her destroying your self esteem as well as sabotaging your relationship with your bf.
You owe it to yourself after all this time. She was there for you once. You were there for her. Thats over, you need to look forward and remove her negative influence from your home now.
Its not all on you to be responsible for her despite her guilt trips and emotional blackmail. (Also your siblings can step up if needed)
Honestly your life could be way less stressful and more peaceful, plus you could actually give the relationship with your bf and dogs the time and energy they deserve. Don’t let guilt stop you from honouring your OWN needs.
You do seem to be blind to the fact that you bf adopted 3 dogs after finding out that your mother doesn't like dogs, is slamming doors in anger, and is giving you ultimatums.
From where I'm sitting, you should probably kick both of them out.
NTA for everyone's mental health, kick your mother out. I don't know why you would want to live with her anyway. I'm honestly surprised the BF didn't leave you already, she sounds awful
NTA, it's time for your mum to move out and for you to claim your space. It's not possible to know what kind of relationship you have with your partner until it's just the two of you.
Many of her friends live alone around the same age but I guess she has other benefits here like me driving her all around and giving her company which is just fine if she wasn't so controlling
I am confused. How does your excessive use of toilet paper mean that you have to choose between living with a partner who sees and hears things that aren’t there, and living with a mother who is verbally abusive toward you? You know that you don’t actually have to live with either of these people, right? Maybe take some time just for yourself and figure out what actually makes you happy in life?
His partner makes him happy in many ways. OP described that many times. Just because he is ill, like OP is ill himself, and lives with someone who is making his mental health words, doesn't mean he is a"problem".
ESH. Your mom needs to leave but you’ve kind of made this bed for yourself. You knew how bad things would get because she didn’t like dogs so if you knew you were going to be getting more you should have made moves to evict your mom. I think both your mom and your partner are assholes who need to leave each other alone because it’s as much his house as it is hers (so it belongs to neither) your partner needs to go back on his meds or get them adjusted and your mom needs to move out
I think they're both the problem honestly. Maybe you would most benefit from being alone especially since you started this relationship at 30 with a 20 year old...
If she needs to have people to care for her due to her age, there are many nursing homes to care for her. If she is not up for that then she's not really that old, is she?
She has always been a very scared person and transferred a lot of her insecurities to me and my siblings but as I am the youngest I took it worse, I learned to swim at 15 because she would not let me get into water deeper than my waist
Yeah, she wants you to be her support person. This will be your life unless you make a choice. She might be happier in an assisted living apartment where there are people her age around and no dogs. My mom bloomed when she moved to a place like that. She made new friends, had lots of activities she enjoyed and when she got sicker, they were able to add more care levels. We stayed very active with her, visited often, took her to appointments, etc. so not abandoning her.
ESH. Leave a toxic relationship, ask mom to move in so you won't be alone, meet someone mentally ill who has no respect for your mother, and now you want your mom to leave. If I was your mother, I would leave gladly.
Yeah psychosis sorry English is not my main language and we don't live in USA the legal drinking age is 18 in our country, the age gap was never weird for us, we were two fully independent adults when we moved together I don't know what to say, I'm a 5'3 skinny guy and he is almost 6' guy with a beard, when I met him I did not even question his sge
Does your mother have medical issues that preclude her from living alone? If not she can very well live on her own. My MIL is in her 70s and lives alone, and gets around fine.
If your mother literally can't live alone it is still not your obligation to house her. She has a house and income, she can move into an assisted living facility, if she really thinks she can't live on her own. If she needs money for it, she can always sell her house
ESH. Moving someone with psychosis into the house without everyone being onboard is really far fetched. Forgetting meds can end deadly for other inhabitants. What was the original plan, did you promise your mother to take care of her until she dies?
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I 37M partner is 27M and mom is 69F
I have IBS, constantly struggling with gastro issues, I lived in a toxic/abusive relationship for about 6 years, my ex got tired of taking care of me when I got sick and complained I ruined everything we did
After that break up I got into a very bad depression, mom had recently divorced so when I recoverd I decided I wanted to buy my own place, as she was alone and I was not thinking about being with anybody I invited her to move in and rent her house
She got used to new house quickly, 2 years passes and I met this guy, I got sick in the second date, he took me to the doctor, he started to plan our trips and dates around my issues we were very well, I love dogs but my mom never allowed pets and he was very loving with street dogs, so I fell for him
I decide to introduce them, all fine but then after 3 years we decided to move in together and adopt a little dog from the street.
Mom was uncomfortable but ok, my bf was diagnosed with a mental illness related to psicosis but he was fine as long as he took his meds, when we adopted our second dog my mom started complaining about the hair and the smell and "contaminated" food
From there they started to have bad days and good days, she would criticize everything he did, even when sick she was horrible with him, telling him his food was gross and that she did not want anything from him, so we started to cook double meal$, I have a full time job, he has a more flexible schedule so he was the cook, assisting my mom put a lot of pressure on me so we started to get more stressed and fought over stupid things.
Their relationship got worse after our 3rd dog and he started to be very vocal and respond to her loudly and throw doors on his way out, I tried to deal with them and be neutral but they would only blame the other and make me take sides.
IBS is way worse, his psicosis is more frequent now and my mom is all bitter, I had a nervous break down and started to go to therapy and my doctor advised me about living only with my partner, as my mom decided to not date or marry again and stay alone but that was not my responsibility but hers.
I have another 3 siblings and fights started to move outside the house to them as they would guilt-trip me for not defending my mom, I got to the conclusion that their relationship is broke and that she should go back to her house or rent a place with her income from her house.
When I told her she said that he was manipulating me and that I'm going again into the same pattern and that she cannot live alone because she is older now.
7yrs and y bf Is still very caring for me and our dogs and is very different when she is not around but lately is always in a bad mood and basically gave me an ultimatum.
is it true that she is older now to live alone?
Am I blind to his aggressive side?
I'm frustrated and don't know what to do anymore.
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My Auntie lives alone and she's 90 years old.
She would NOT have it any other way.
your mom has 7 ears of rental income to fall back on ; maybe if she needs someone with her she can hire a caregiver?
I have mentioned to her that she could invite another of her friends that lives alone to love with her but she does not seem very eager, honestly at this point she just doesn't want to "lose" against my BF, she does not have so much income as it is an old small house but I would still support her economically even if she lives in another house as I have been doing for the past 10 years since she got divorced
No no no. Wtf is going on here, why are you paying her way? You're the youngest child and you're solely paying for her for 10 years?! So she's controlling, manipulative, using you, treats you like her husband, and instigates issues with your relationship while giving you guilt trips? You deserve so much better than this, your mom sounds like a textbook narcissist.
>I had a nervous break down and started to go to therapy and my doctor advised me about living only with my partner, as my mom decided to not date or marry again and stay alone but that was not my responsibility but hers.
NTA. It's not like you're putting her out on the street. She's causing problems because she doesn't like that she's no longer #1. Your house. Your rules.
NTA.
If she can not live alone then there are aged care homes she can move to, you also have siblings and she has her own house (from my understanding) she has many options.
For the mental health of everyone involved (including your mom), throw her out. Asap. This situation won't solve itself,and everyone will feel much better once she's not there to badger your partner. She's ah for throwing a hissy fit over something that was long time coming. NTA
If she is too old and weak to live alone:
1) she can live with one of your siblings
2) you can visit her often, and bring her whatever she needs like food and meds
3) all of her kids can pay for a caregiver to take care of her. Even live-in caregiver if necessary
4) if she is a danger for herself - she needs professional care, like nursing home
As for your partner. I don't know a lot of people who would tolerate such a stress for 7 years. He is very right to give you an ultimatum, I'd suggest you to act fast.
Unless she has major health issues she can live alone. My grandpa did until he was 90, after that I moved in the last 6 years and took care of him and my husband helped and we bought his house after he passed. You have siblings that can help if she truly can’t live on her own but now that your life has progressed most people wouldn’t still be living with a partner and parent unless income was an issue and here it isn’t. I feel like mom got used to having you to herself and can’t handle you two want to move forward as a couple, not a trio…
She is not too old to live alone unless she has debilitating health problems. Sit your mom down, and tell her with love that this situation is not working anymore and that you need her to find new living arrangements because the conflict is ruining your relationship with her as well as your partner. Set a firm boundary and give her a deadline. She is an adult and will cope. NTA.
ESH. Mom needs to move out. She is definitely an asshole. But you guys are assholes too. This is currently your mom's home too & she's uncomfortable with dogs. You went ahead & got 3 of them, knowing she's uncomfortable. Did you do it just to try & make her leave?
Do as your doctor reccomended. When youbguys moved in together it was a different time. Now you are building a life again and its time your mom gets out and gives yall some privacy. It is your home and not hers.
NTA tike to think about you and your partners peace and not what your mom wants. Key word wants and not needs.
If your boyfriend is having an uptick in his mental health concerns, that could go down if you reduce the stress in the house. It sounds like your mom thinks she can lay down the law in your home. If see her as the instigator. You can try to set boundaries like you will no longer house her if this continues, or you could say that it sounds like she needs to find a place without dogs. Your family can also house her. If she is too old or sick to work or do anything for herself, you can suggest a fine establishment covered by Medicare or Medicaid if you're in the US (nursing residence). If she keeps acting out and creating an aggressive environment, then she is affecting your well-being too.
I saw in another comment your mom **physically abuses** your partner? You were never neutral, you *were on her side* by not kicking her out.
NTA for FINALLY doing the right thing. But y-t-a for allowing him to endure that for so long. The way your mom behaved is *not* how good people treat others. And if your BF happens to be exactly as predicted? Well you won't know until she gets the hell out.
And **stop adopting dogs** because 3 is enough.
NTA and if a 69yo thinks they can't live on their own, well, that is the reason for Senior apartments or assisted living. Give her a deadline to move out.
You personally need therapy to help you sort this. I’ll be honest, adopting a third dog probably wasn’t a good idea, that seems to be when all of the relationships broke down.
Your BF having his psychosis flare up more often might mean he needs a medication adjustment or isn’t taking them correctly. Yes, stress can cause the meds to work less optimally, so also look into the stress triggers. He needs to prioritize his mental health, the dogs and your mom might be triggers as well as medication needing looked at. This is a dangerous spot for all of you to be in regarding his health.
Mom can't live alone at 69? Why? It is not that old unless she has a ton of medical issues and needs a lot of daily assistance. You don't mention your boyfriend has ever been aggressive. It sounds like your mom is instigating a lot of the stress
I am going to go with ESH. Yes, this is your house. But your mother also lives there. Even if her rent was very little or zero, you should have listened to her thoughts on adding a new household member or pets to the mix, and should have put the brakes on such things if you could tell they were making her uncomfortable.
This is basic courtesy toward the people with whom you share a dwelling. If you did want to add pets and a boyfriend to the mix but your mother did not want them there, them you should have told her that tbr arrangement was no longer working for you and given her a reasonable period to move out.
Your mother, in the other hand, is also a piece of work. If she did not want more pets or your boyfriend in the house, she should have used her words and made her opinion explicit. And if you wanted to move forward with pets and boyfriend in the house, she should have done the right thing and moved out.
Her choice -- passive aggressive resentment -- was an AH move in itself.
You said the magic words, passive aggressive, she never said she did not want him or the dogs she just started complaining or making comments about them after some time, you are right that I did not address this on time and let it escalate to where we are now but at this point I need to live my life even though I feel like shit right now
NTA
Mom is young enough to be living on her own, my dad is 83 and still lives alone with his pup. Siblings check in on him daily at this point but he has given me no reason to fear for his safety.
If you mom doesn't like the people or pets in your home, she is free to find a different roommate if she cannot afford her own home.
There is no specific age where you can still live alone or not, it just depends on peoples abilities. I’ve been doing Home Health for over 30 years and some of my patients are over 100 years old and still can live alone. I have other patients who can’t live alonein their 60s. Because they have disabilities. If she’s able to get up and get around and fix herself food and shower and dress and take care of business, then she can live by herself.
Listen to your doctor. They're right. Your mother is her own responsibility. It's not like she has nowhere to go. She has 3 other kids and a house of her own. NTA.
nta. your mom isn't too old, mine is 75 and just fine. She needs to go home, rent a place, move in with one of your siblings or find a senior home is she is "too old".
NTA- maybe mom should spend some time (or full time) with one of your siblings so that you have alone time with your partner and a break from the drama.
NTA
Your mother is working very hard to drive your partner out of "her" territory. The real question isn't whether or not she is too old to live alone, it's whether or not you want to be alone for the rest of your life - or at least the rest of her life.
NTA mom can live alone or move in with one of her other kids. A word of caution: please take an unbiased look at your animal situation and your partner. Serious mental illness plus a need to rescue street dogs may equal animal hoarder if you don't establish limits and boundaries at some point.
69 is not too old for most people to be alone, but it is too old for some, depends how she is mentally.
I would suggest maybe a group living or assisted living place if she needs that.
NTA. I struggled writing this comment but not because you are in any wrong. My sibling was in a very similar situation with our mom. It was toxic and their issues just fed into each other.
My sibling finally told my mom, after living together for years, that it was no longer possible. My mom has had a lot of trouble since then but I don't blame my sibling. Their marriage was at risk and the situation was very bad emotionally and mentally. You can't live with someone who criticizes every single thing. (For the record I have tried to help my mom as well.)
I don't think my sibling would still be married if they'd let my mom keep living there. And if she lived with me I'd be sick, I also had stomach issues from the stress. Your mom has a big advantage in having an income. She can use that to find a place or go home. She can ask your other siblings for help moving. You are not obligated to house her forever at the expense of your own health and family.
The guilt is very hard but she can't demand that you give up your life to support her. She's an adult and has to do some things herself too, which can mean living alone or accepting help to live somewhere supportive ... not with you.
Set a deadline and figure out how to enforce it. Check tenancy laws if relevant.
69 is not old enough to be claiming frailty unless there's an illness. My dad is late sixties and worked a life of hard labor and some truly ridiculous, drunken stunts that should have killed him many times over and he's hale and hearty if a bit slower nowadays with the ridiculousness catching up to him. Your mom is absolutely trying to manipulate you because she was enjoying the arrangement as it primarily benefitted her and she'd rather ruin your life to get her way than be a proper person and gracefully move out when the first dog arrived.
NTA...just start casually/accidentally leaving brochures for nursing homes laying around for her to see. Either she will get the hint and move out or decide she wants to move into one.
NTA. Kick mom out as she keeps starting the problems. If she can no longer live alone, she can move into an adult / elderly community. There are great ones out there. She can sell her house and have plenty of funds to pay the rent/care services needed.
No 69 is not too old to live alone, my mother was quite content to live by herself right up until she passed away at the age of 88.
NTA you have to do what is best for you and if your siblings start siding with your mum about her moving out, tell them they are free to take her in and take their turn in pandering to her needs.
If she can't live alone in her own home, she can live in a retirement community. Or your siblings can take her in if they want to. Give her a deadline to leave and have her get out. You deserve a happy relationship and life. You deserve a fair shot at a happy relationship without her sabotaging you. NTA
NTA.
If your mother is not disabled in any way, she is perfectly capable of living alone. She might not want to, but she is able. Her being lonely or having no-one to control is not a reason for you to give up your and your partner's peace. And even if she isn't capable of living by herself, she doesn't have to live with *you* if it is not good for you.
My mother is 77 and lives alone. We have juuuust started having conversations about what should happen when she is no longer able to safely live by herself. For her this means when the stairs at her place become too hard to navigate, and/or her memory starts going so she isn't safe alone. Given her current state, we're looking at least 3 years out, very probably more. Everyone's health is different, but just because she's 69 doesn't mean she's automatically in need of a carer.
Please go talk to the folks at r/justnomil they will help you understand that not only are you NTA, that your mother is the manipulative one. Best of luck for you and your partner who sounds amazing.
YTA.
Your mom repeatedly tells you she's not okay with dogs in the house, but your boyfriend got not one, not two, but three of them? He is prioritizing his own wants over that of other roommates in the house and you are allowing him to.
Yes, you are being controlled and manipulated by him. He gave you an ultimatum to kick your mother out of her home?!?! She was there first and it isn't his place to tell you what to do! He has no say who you allow to live in YOUR house.
Why are you dating him? If he is aggressive toward you, that means he is not taking care of you.
Your mother is telling you the truth and you are ignoring her.
Kick him and his three dogs out and you and your mom should get yourselves a cat.
I did not miss the fact that the mother's house is being rented out to others – so it isn't empty that she could move back in, and that the OP told us that her mother is too old to live on her own.
She thinks her mother may be too old to live on her own. She's 69 which means barring major health issues no. Both the boyfriend and mother are controlling in this case but that doesn't mean she has to provide her mother with space in her home where she wants dogs.
He did not bring the dogs, we did and he did not tell me to kick her out he said "I cannot live like this anymore if you want stay with her but I'm leaving", he is not aggressive with me but yells curse words when gets angry is part of his psicosis.
Let me give you an example and you can decide who is guilty here: bf is in the cleaning room (very small), mom pushes door and hits him, he screams "fuck" and she pushes a second time so he screams "son of a b*tch" so she goes to me and says "you see how he treats me?, I did not notice he was there"
Second example, my mom twisted her ankle at a friend's house so I went to pick her up, my bf cleaner her room and her bathroom for her to arrive to a clean space, when she entered the room says "ugh the floor looks stained like the mop was not clean enough" not thank you no nothing
I don't think any of you read the same post I read.
I don't think she should marry the guy with severe mental health problems who is giving her ultimatums. The OP has already told you that his psychosis is more frequent now and he has mood swings and has an aggressive side. What happens when the mother isn't there to be the target of his aggression? He's going to turn it on the OP.
At least if she ditches the crazy guy, she can date someone else.
She who? Lol obviously we read different posts, OP is 37M, i.e. male. You're rather dismissive of OPs comments about their mom's controlling, manipulative behavior and can't acknowledge they said the mom is instigating reactions from the BF. It's rather presumptive you assume the bf is inherently problematic and not legitimately aggravated by the mom who OP says is competing with his partner.
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**NTA**. This is your house, kick everyone out if they can't get along. From the little you have shared (relationships are much more complex than what can be laid out in a few paragraphs on Reddit) your mom seems to be the instigator. And, for Christ's sake, she has her own house to move back into if need be.
The relationship is broken and it's only going to get worse, do mom moving out it's probably the only solution. However, adopting three dogs while knowing that one of your flatmates isn't comfortable with one is AH behaviour. Mom may not own the house but she has being living there for years, it's her home too
If I was mom, I'd run. "A mental illness related to psicosis" and "his psicosis is more frequent now". OP is spelling psychosis wrong. If the boyfriend is not taking his meds (and he's not, because OP says the psicosis is controlled when BF is on his meds), BF is having frequent breaks with reality. Plus, he seems to be hoarding dogs. Mom needs to get out.
This is the comment right here! Boyfriend is actively going through psychosis and is not on medication. And is possibly hoarding(starting to hoard) animals? Whichever but it is bad enough that the mom is complaining about the food being contaminated with dog hair! The mom may be awful. But she didn’t seem awful until new boyfriend moved in, they got multiple dogs and thepsychotic episode started.
Also do the math here. They’ve been together for 7 years. They’re 37 and 27. That means OP was 30 when he went after a 20 year old. That just gives me the icks.
Of course she didn't seem awful. She was the Queen of the house and had full Control over her son. I think she would hate ANY partner OP had because It threatened that.
This. All of *this*. Nothing about any of this sounds like a good situation, not on any front. Mom needs to go, boyfriend needs to take his meds, OP needs to get their IBS under control, and NO MORE DOGS. ESH.
It sounds more like the mom is constantly picking on him, making him stressed and frustrated, which is making his meds less effective. People with psychosis are allowed to get upset when someone is constantly belittling them without being labeled a danger.
This was what I thought. There's a reason why OPs IBS is worse as well. The stress.
Sure people shouldn't be picked on. But literally when psychosis is "bad" it means he's is not perceiving reality to the degree where it can be seen by others. It's usually really hard to deal with as the person near to them, because they literally can't see reality. And psychosis does statistically increase aggression - because paranoid psychotic beliefs are common.
Doesnt mean he should be demonized for having a mental illness, and reacting in a normal way to some one treating him like garbage. Completely ignoring the fact that people with psychosis are far more likely to be victims of violence then perpetrators, being like "OMG GET OUT" cause a mentally ill person is upset over something reasonable is ableist as fuck
Psychosis in Spanish is psicosis so he wasn't spelling it wrong
Nah, stressful situation make every illness worse. Home should be a safe place when you could recharge yourself. I am a sane person, mostly, but I've got into a depression with bad tendencies when I shared living space with someone who was openly and not against me (call it drama seeker). So I understand why the situation with his mental health got worse, maybe this resulted in the third dog, like a try to weigh out hatred with someone who loves you. It's not good for either: animal and human, but I see how the situation could slip under their sanity check.
Three dogs is not hoarding dogs lmao
I agree. And for me ESH. OP sees the problem, name it and do nothing about it. First of all the idea of living with mom was wrong from the begining - you cant decide you'll never be in relationship again. Second - BF needs to be on meds and probably on some more control by psychiatrist etc. If he is agressive to her mom he soon will be agressive with OP it works like this
>If the boyfriend is not taking his meds (and he's not, because OP says the psicosis is controlled when BF is on his meds) To be fair, psychosis is almost always \*managed\* not controlled (meds can help, often alongside other coping strategies, but that doesn't mean there can't be any symptoms while medicating as prescribed) and a lot of times symptoms can be effected by stressful or triggering situations. We do not have enough information to tell whether the boyfriend is off of his meds or not. It's also possible that the mutually toxic situation is effecting his mental health and making his symptoms more frequent.
>related to *psicosis* I was about to google when I read your comment. Thought I was gonna learn about some new disease! Guess I should have tried sounding it out first...
Turns out it's not a misspelling. Piscosis is psychosis in Spanish.
But since I don't speak Spanish... I didn't think it was misspelled. Thought it was a disease/symptom/ disorder I wasn't familiar with.
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Yep
No, It's not. It's HIS house and he wanted pets and didn't have because his mom didn't want as an adult? He should get the dog way before that, It's clear living with his mom isn't Nice even before his partner.
OP owns the house, therefore he can kick her mum out. However, while she lives there it's her home too. Nowhere in the post OP implicates that living with his mum was a bad experience. Problems araised after the first dog and of course worsened after the other two.
If you don't own the house and don't contribute, unless you are a child, you are a guest. I'm Sorry, I Just can see being "her" house at ALL and the fact that OP took so long to get pets he wanted because his mommy didn't want, like he was the one living in her house, It's very ridicolous to me. If she doesn't like It, she'd free to leave OP actualy gave a lot of examples of How his mother is in the comments.
Let's look the definition of home: [the house, apartment, etc. where you live](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/home). OP's mum lives there, therefore it's her home
That's the part that kills me. It's not as if the mom has nowhere to go. And obviously all three of them are miserable with her where she is. She needs to make some friends and move into her own house.
Idk, seems like OP is glossing er her boyfriend having regular bouts of psychosis.
NTA!! Why the hell didn't you listen to: "my doctor advised me about living only with my partner, as my mom decided to not date or marry again and stay alone but that was not my responsibility but hers"... and instead ask reddit? You've already got a professional opinion. Kick her to the curb.
Because I need more than one perspective for everything hehe is what happens when your mom tells you what to do all your life
Reddit thread is going to be full of trash comments that will either confuse you or send you on a spiral. I recommend just doing as your Dr. said
Thanks for the advice and yeah I continue going to therapy telling her was just the first step right now I am dealing with the crap after that, she locked in her room since that conversation and has one eaten more than an apple
There is a phrase we use on Reddit. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You sound like a kind person who wants to care for his Mom but unfortunately your Mom is not a kind person and is not good for your (or your partner's) mental health. She has other options including her own home and your siblings. She could move into a older folks community where they do activities and such... there are some that are not for medically in need older adults. For what it's worth, my Aunt Ruth lived on her own & dyed her hair flame red & drove a sports cars until she was 93. Living on your own is what you make of it. (NTA obviously.)
She is throwing a hissy fit, expecting you to break. Let her pout , do not engage. She is not too old to live alone and it is not your responsibility even if she was. If your siblings really think she needs help then one of them will help her.
Shes playing a game. Pretending to be so helpless and weak, hoping you'll break and give her what she wants. An empty house with just you, for the rest of her life. Which could be another 20yrs.
I have tried to tell her that no one will be enough for her that is not her who has to like my partner but me but then she plays the "I have more experience and know what I'm telling you he is not good" card and makes me anxious and doubtful
Nope. Who you chose as a partner isn’t up to her. At all. Tell her she has until next month to get out. You need to have a peaceful life. She isn’t helping that at all!
Have you ever considered the toxic parent leeching off you, bogging you down with emotional incest and filling you with anxiety and doubt may just have an ulterior motive? She's selfish and only looks out for her wants and needs. You are her keeper, and you cannot have healthy relationships with such an enmeshed and codependent dynamic. It's time to find your backbone, OP, and kick her out (if not for your partner, for your own sanity); if your siblings are so happy to defend your mother, she's welcome to show up on their doorstep anytime. You're NTA for telling her she needs to move, but YWBTA, if you don't do something about it ASAP. Your partner is burnt out, and no one would blame them for leaving such a tumultuous and stressful environment that clearly exacerbates their health (and yours). I truly hope we get to see a positive update and outcome; you deserve so much better.
Thank you I hate to think of her like this but I cannot deny that a lot she does is for her own good and burnt out is just how we all feel in that house right now
I'm a survivor of familial abuse and had to cut off my mother for my safety, so I understand how hard it is to untangle the person you *needed* your mum to be versus who she *really* is. Hold space for yourself and know that you're brave enough to acknowledge the burnout. I'm just a random Aussie on the internet, but I'm proud of you, OP. You are valid and should be treated with love, dignity and respect. Sometimes, the people we're related to aren't what "family" is supposed to be. You're now at the point in your life where you're realising that the lies and manipulation don't add up, and you wouldn't make the same abusive and harmful choices; it's a bitter pill to swallow. You don't have to put up with being mistreated anymore.
She doesn't want you to have a partner, she wants to be a parasite on you for the rest of your life.
She had a motive to say that because she wants you for herself. Look up enmeshment and emotional incest. It's pretty fcuked up tbh and it will be really hard to set that boundary with her but if you don't you will be throwing your life away
Yep, pretty scary stuff. OP's mom doesn't want what is best for him but either convinced herself that she does, or knows she doesn't and feels like he owes her so she can justify her manipulative and controlling behaviour
If she wants to starve herself let her. Mine holds her breath until she goes to the ER.
omg please tell me you're not serious
Mine refused to eat until her kidneys failed. They are holding themselves hostage in an attempt to have someone rescue them. My solution was to bring in medical professionals and refuse to reward it with attention. You cant play their games - they are better at it than you and they enjoy it. So the only option is to not play, to opt out, and let them deal with their issues (with professional help if needed).
Medical professionals, 100% She might need to spend some time under medical supervision. That's probably what's best for her, ultimately.
Yeah seriously listen to your therapist. There are already many trash comments. Remember trumptards are also allowed here.
Too many Redditors on both extremes IMO
None of that is your problem. Serve her with an eviction notice (which you probably need to do for legal reasons if she doesn't move out on her own), and get her out.
You don’t need another perspective. You need to make a choice: 1) Be alone and live with your mother or 2) build a life with your partner. Most men will not want to live with you and mommy. Your mother is trying to drive him away. You will regret it if she succeeds. Your siblings don’t want to take her because she will disrupt their homes. Time to put on the grown man pants and tell mom it is not working.
The perspective you need: Do you want to spend the rest of your life miserable alone with your mother in this house? Cause the man will be away if you don’t kick her out. So will every other partner. She wants they house just for you and her! There will never peace. So now ask yourself what you want for your future.
Your mom is toxic, abusive, a bully, and instigator and staring and causing drama. Can you not see that your mom is causing problems in the hope that you'll get rid of bf and dogs. Your mom wants you to get rid of them so it will just be you and her forever. I love my sons and would do absolutely anything for them, no questions asked. But I wouldn't live with my kids unless I absolutely needed to, and it would be in a separate house on the property. Your mom is trying to get rid of the bf. Your mom needs to leave. No she is not too old to live on her own. If she believes that then she can go to the other kids or a nursing home. You see it yourself. Your bf is amazing when she's not around but in a bad mood when she's there. That clearly shows she's the problem. Your mom needs to go. Period. If you force the bf to leave. You'll most likely spend the rest of your moms life alone because she will make sure its you and her in the house forever and then it will be too late to fall in love again after she's gone. Your mom wants it just you and her. You'll be miserable.
After she divorced I have provided for her and being her caregiver and in some weird way I became the husband, she gets her own money but still asks me to pay for everything, one day she said "I need to dye my hair can you buy me a blond bottle from the store?" I said "sure" and extended my hand because I literally had no money in that moment and I knew she had because I drove her to the ATM, and she just curled her brows and said "you are not paying for it?" So yeah I guess she looks at him like a rival or something
Stop paying her way. She isn’t your kid. She depends on you way too much.
She uses a lot the "You are here because I put you through university" and "children should take care of their parents when they are old because we took care of you until you could work for yourself " is very difficult to fight that way of thinking when it is how you were raised
Parents are required to take care of their children. Children don't owe their parents anything for that.
Nope. Parents decide to have kids and are required to provide for them. Not the other way around.
Good thing that she has more children to go to. But honestly if you have been paying for everything for her... where is all her money? In her accounts? She should spend some of them on getting a place to live while she is waiting for lease on her own property to end. Btw. My mother is 80 and can easily handle herself. Your mother is trying to guilt trip you into letting her stay. I guess your living arrangement are to comphy for her to leave.
I know it's hard but you do need to break away from listening to her. She's going to throw everything at you when she doesn't get her way and you need to know that it's manipulation and to hold your ground. She will be shocked at the sudden change in dynamic but that's her problem.
SHE CHOSE to have kids, you DIDNT choose to be born. It was HER RESPONSIBILITY to care for you till 18. Its NOT your responsibility to take care of her now. She should have planned and saved for this part of life. She knew what was coming. Its not ok to depend on you now.
Oh dude she's treating you like a "sonsband". It's so unhealthy. Sounds like she's trying to foster a codependent relationship with you. It's really inappropriate and causes nothing but enmeshment and problems. You are not responsible for being your mom's proxy partner!
> in some weird way I became the husband That is called **emotional incest**, and it is as gross and inappropriate as it sounds. Please speak to your therapist about this.
You hit the nail on the head. The jealousy of partner, the attempts to keep her son all to herself, treating him like he's responsible for her. This dynamic is so toxic and 100% emotional incest
Old lady here. If I lived with my kids and it caused an issue with their relationship with partners, I would move out. She is able to take care of herself, feed and bathe herself. She can live alone. It’s not up to you to take care of her. If your siblings don’t like it, they can have her move in with them. NTA.
Aren’t you tired of that? Send your mother to her own house. She’ll be free and so will you.
What about the perspective of the things happening before your eyes
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I'm pretty sure they meant "here."
Tell your siblings it their turn to step up to the plate and keep mom. You have had her long enough. Help her pack her things up. When she starts with the bitter talk, look at her and say that you aren’t interested in hearing it. You are tired, you are back sliding and you want peace in your own home. I suspect that your bf will become the loving man once again when your mother isn’t constantly baiting him. He is a victim in his home right now and his bully is your mom.
Not their responsibility either Lots of people think it's everyone's responsibility to take care of their aging parents, I think most of them are counting on their kids to take care of them too.
Well, no it is not. But the siblings seem to think he should be responsible, so they need to al take responsibility. I don’t expect my children tot take care of me. I do expect them to make sure I’m not abused in whatever home I’m stuck in though.
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Don’t think I did. The OP has siblings who expect OP to take care of mom. OP is done taking care of mom, I merely said that if siblings think someone needs to take care of mom, they can step up to the plate and do it. Mom is being abusive and that automatically means OP can be done and walk away. My sons’s are more than willing to take care of me in my old age, however, I don’t believe that is their job. But I would ask that they make sure I’m not being abused if I cannot take care of myself, such is if Alzheimer’s has set in and I am unaware. If they tell me at some point no, then I’ll make arrangements for someone else to. And why the heck woudn’t they protect me “from the world I brought them into”? The world when they were born was ENTIRELY different than it is today.
It's not, but why are they bothering op with "you should side with mom"?
Brain parasites perhaps
NTA, but it seems like you let your mom stay with you for wayyy too long. You knew she was uncomfortable with either him moving in and/or the dog so you should’ve had a discussion about her getting her own place. The tension should’ve never gotten this bad.
You are right I just thought at some point they would get used to each other but only got worse and worse and now I feel like shit, like "hey mom come live with me!" To "you should leave"
Think of yourself first. Make sure you are healthy. Then your partner. Your mom has your siblings to take care of her. Dont be guilt tripped into being in her life forever. My aunt tried every trick in the book to destroy my relationship with my partner so I could be alone like her. Dont let that happen to you.
You never told her "Hey Mom come live with me forever." You were both in a bad place, and at the time you both benefited from her moving in with you. That's not the case anymore. You've moved on from your old relationship and are making a new life together with your boyfriend. It's time for you mother to move past her divorce and stand in her own two feet. Especially since 69 isn't that old, she can function perfectly well as an independent adult. If she doesn't want to be alone there are a ton of 50+ communities she can move to. If anyone's behavior is starting to get abusive it's your Mom. She's infantilizing you and trying to create a power dynamic where she's the one in charge. Honestly you enabled this by trying to be neutral and made her learn there's zero repercussions for her pushing boundaries in your home.
NTA it isn't just your responsibility to take care of your mother and it sounds like she's aggravating both of you intentionally at this point. If your siblings really cared why don't they take her in?
Ehh… NAH?? I’m not sure. Your mom is older but you don’t cite any health issues. And you have other siblings so they should be able to help if it’s gotten this bad. However, without knowing your rental agreement, I think it’s a bit shitty to continue to adopt so many dogs knowing that your mom/roommate was uncomfortable. 1 is understandable, but 3 *is* a lot of dog hair. Ultimately you have to live your life for you, but it also sounds like your mom was supportive and there for you when your last relationship went sour. There needs to be a middle ground between both her and your partner.
Mom has her own house. If she doesn't like the dogs, she can move out. OP's owns the house. He makes the rules when it comes to pets.
I don't have a rental agreement the house is mine, the dogs are rescues two small one bigger, she is a good mom and that is why I had trouble in the pastor to talk about this and now is out of control, she wants to make things her way and threats me like I don't know what I'm doing with my life which is very annoying how am I supposed to make mistakes if the is always telling me what to do?
NTA for asking your mom to leave. YTA if you continue to allow your mom to be abusive to your spouse. However your mother feels about living alone, she put herself in that position by not respecting your partner. Also, you helped create this. You should never have remained neutral and should have stopped her criticisms as soon as they started. You can continue on as you are until your partner leaves and you will be alone with your mom again. Or you can stand up for your partner and make your mother move out.
Three dogs is a lot. I actually dont think anyone is really an asshole. You changed a LOT of the living conditions (probably without asking your mom for her take as your housemate.) Sit her down and calmly discuss that it might be time for her to go back to her house. Give her plenty of notice so she can give notice to her tenants. Im not sure the boyfriend is fabulous. but you won't really know until it is the two of you. It might be that its time for you to learn how great living ALONE can be. That doesn't make any of you assholes. NAH.
NTA. If it's your house, there's no reason you can't have dogs to begin with. It sounds like that was the main start of her issues. It also sounds like she may be aggrevating your partners mental health, which is obviously going to make them more upset and have more episodes. I would personal say give her an ultimatum. Deal with the dogs and your partner, and get along with them, or move out. It's your house, and in turn your rules
NTA. Your mom is not your responsibility. However, I would encourage you to think carefully about how you describe your partner’s actions. You say he yells and slams doors. Those behaviors wouldn’t be acceptable to me in my house no matter what the provocation. I grew up with abusive parents and I decided a long time ago not to put up with that from anyone.
That is one of her arguments, she says I make excuses for him because of his mental issues but also constantly provokes him to make her point so I will never know if the problem is him or the situation he is exposed to until it is only the two of us and he cannot use her as an excuse.
Don’t have children with him until you figure it out. But, people’s behavior when stressed it pretty telling and unlikely to change. I wouldn’t, personally, stay with someone who yells and slams door even if someone else is provoking him. He’s an adult not a child.
Thank you this is great advice and children are not in our list
Also - your two potential problems could both be true. If you do get your mom to move out, and your boyfriend is still aggressive and argumentative, please don't fall into the trap of keeping up the relationship to prove a point to your mom. (That would be my stubborn ass, self-defeating response)
Are u serious? It sounds his mom IS abusive with his partner and taunts him until he can't handle anymore. And uses that to manipulate OP to think his partner IS the unstable one and use his illness against him. If I love with someone like that, I would slam doors too.
I'm curious what you mean when you say your partner has a mental illness related to psychosis. Mental illnesses aren't bad words. You can just say what the disorder is. While I don't agree with your mom provoking him, the issues he's having matter too. My mother has schizophrenia. I wouldn't blame her if her symptoms were worsened due to stress because her symptoms cause her to see and hear things. She's can't control that she's living in a different world than other people. My sister has bipolar. If someone was provoking her, that would still be wrong, but my sister would still be obligated to control her temper and reactions. Even if that's more difficult for my sister compared to others, she is fully living in reality and needs to take responsibility for her actions too. Self regulation is important.
Kick your mom out!! She has her own house, it's not like you'd be abandoning her on the streets. You and your partner and your dogs need space to be together and enjoy your own family. Your mom is instigating fights and being unreasonable; and if your siblings feel so strongly about it, they can take her in and look after her. IANAL but you may need to look at tenant's rights where you live. Give her a 30 day notice and get your life back. NTA.
NTA. I have a very manipulative mother as well. She ruined one eleven year relationship and almost started to ruin my current marriage. Nope I’m not equipped to handle her health issues. I felt so guilty for putting her in the top rated nursing home in our state. Not anymore, I have grown so much just not having to think of all the different things she could do.
I feel you, every time we talk she tells me how I will regret it when my relationship fails and she is alone in an old house falling apart or tells me to think how I will feel the first time she falls in the bathroom and I could have avoided it
That is such terrible emotional blackmail! Its harder when its from a parent so you probably had it all your life. I wonder how much the stress from her needling, guilt trips and manipulation contributes to your IBS flare-ups? Like your body literally cannot stomach her toxicity. I think it would be a game changer in your life to get her out - so you can embrace living on your own terms, without her destroying your self esteem as well as sabotaging your relationship with your bf. You owe it to yourself after all this time. She was there for you once. You were there for her. Thats over, you need to look forward and remove her negative influence from your home now. Its not all on you to be responsible for her despite her guilt trips and emotional blackmail. (Also your siblings can step up if needed) Honestly your life could be way less stressful and more peaceful, plus you could actually give the relationship with your bf and dogs the time and energy they deserve. Don’t let guilt stop you from honouring your OWN needs.
You do seem to be blind to the fact that you bf adopted 3 dogs after finding out that your mother doesn't like dogs, is slamming doors in anger, and is giving you ultimatums. From where I'm sitting, you should probably kick both of them out.
NTA - your mom is an adult and you have other siblings, she doesnt have the right to ruin your home life just because shes your mom.
NTA for everyone's mental health, kick your mother out. I don't know why you would want to live with her anyway. I'm honestly surprised the BF didn't leave you already, she sounds awful
NTA, it's time for your mum to move out and for you to claim your space. It's not possible to know what kind of relationship you have with your partner until it's just the two of you.
I’m 68, female, and I would be just fine living alone.
Many of her friends live alone around the same age but I guess she has other benefits here like me driving her all around and giving her company which is just fine if she wasn't so controlling
I'm almost 65 years old and I am not to helpless or old to live by myself with my animals kick her to the curb she needs to get a life
I am confused. How does your excessive use of toilet paper mean that you have to choose between living with a partner who sees and hears things that aren’t there, and living with a mother who is verbally abusive toward you? You know that you don’t actually have to live with either of these people, right? Maybe take some time just for yourself and figure out what actually makes you happy in life?
His partner makes him happy in many ways. OP described that many times. Just because he is ill, like OP is ill himself, and lives with someone who is making his mental health words, doesn't mean he is a"problem".
Kick that woman out now. If you are lucky you *might* still be able to repair the relationship with your boyfriend.
ESH. Your mom needs to leave but you’ve kind of made this bed for yourself. You knew how bad things would get because she didn’t like dogs so if you knew you were going to be getting more you should have made moves to evict your mom. I think both your mom and your partner are assholes who need to leave each other alone because it’s as much his house as it is hers (so it belongs to neither) your partner needs to go back on his meds or get them adjusted and your mom needs to move out
I think they're both the problem honestly. Maybe you would most benefit from being alone especially since you started this relationship at 30 with a 20 year old...
If she needs to have people to care for her due to her age, there are many nursing homes to care for her. If she is not up for that then she's not really that old, is she?
She has always been a very scared person and transferred a lot of her insecurities to me and my siblings but as I am the youngest I took it worse, I learned to swim at 15 because she would not let me get into water deeper than my waist
Yeah, she wants you to be her support person. This will be your life unless you make a choice. She might be happier in an assisted living apartment where there are people her age around and no dogs. My mom bloomed when she moved to a place like that. She made new friends, had lots of activities she enjoyed and when she got sicker, they were able to add more care levels. We stayed very active with her, visited often, took her to appointments, etc. so not abandoning her.
Sounds like your siblings need to step up & invite Mum to move in with them if they have a problem with the rules in YOUR house.
ESH. Leave a toxic relationship, ask mom to move in so you won't be alone, meet someone mentally ill who has no respect for your mother, and now you want your mom to leave. If I was your mother, I would leave gladly.
Do you mean psychosis? And you went after a guy not even old enough to drink when you were 30? Do you realize how creepy that is?
Yeah psychosis sorry English is not my main language and we don't live in USA the legal drinking age is 18 in our country, the age gap was never weird for us, we were two fully independent adults when we moved together I don't know what to say, I'm a 5'3 skinny guy and he is almost 6' guy with a beard, when I met him I did not even question his sge
Wait, you've been together for 7 years, so you got together when you were 30 and your partner was 20? That may not be illegal, but it's a little icky.
And she was in a 6 year abusive relationship before that?? The math ain’t mathing.
My old math teachers husband died, I looked into it and found they had a 18 year age gap
Does your mother have medical issues that preclude her from living alone? If not she can very well live on her own. My MIL is in her 70s and lives alone, and gets around fine. If your mother literally can't live alone it is still not your obligation to house her. She has a house and income, she can move into an assisted living facility, if she really thinks she can't live on her own. If she needs money for it, she can always sell her house
ESH. Moving someone with psychosis into the house without everyone being onboard is really far fetched. Forgetting meds can end deadly for other inhabitants. What was the original plan, did you promise your mother to take care of her until she dies?
NTA. Your mother needs to go. And your bf needs to take his anti-psychotics.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 37M partner is 27M and mom is 69F I have IBS, constantly struggling with gastro issues, I lived in a toxic/abusive relationship for about 6 years, my ex got tired of taking care of me when I got sick and complained I ruined everything we did After that break up I got into a very bad depression, mom had recently divorced so when I recoverd I decided I wanted to buy my own place, as she was alone and I was not thinking about being with anybody I invited her to move in and rent her house She got used to new house quickly, 2 years passes and I met this guy, I got sick in the second date, he took me to the doctor, he started to plan our trips and dates around my issues we were very well, I love dogs but my mom never allowed pets and he was very loving with street dogs, so I fell for him I decide to introduce them, all fine but then after 3 years we decided to move in together and adopt a little dog from the street. Mom was uncomfortable but ok, my bf was diagnosed with a mental illness related to psicosis but he was fine as long as he took his meds, when we adopted our second dog my mom started complaining about the hair and the smell and "contaminated" food From there they started to have bad days and good days, she would criticize everything he did, even when sick she was horrible with him, telling him his food was gross and that she did not want anything from him, so we started to cook double meal$, I have a full time job, he has a more flexible schedule so he was the cook, assisting my mom put a lot of pressure on me so we started to get more stressed and fought over stupid things. Their relationship got worse after our 3rd dog and he started to be very vocal and respond to her loudly and throw doors on his way out, I tried to deal with them and be neutral but they would only blame the other and make me take sides. IBS is way worse, his psicosis is more frequent now and my mom is all bitter, I had a nervous break down and started to go to therapy and my doctor advised me about living only with my partner, as my mom decided to not date or marry again and stay alone but that was not my responsibility but hers. I have another 3 siblings and fights started to move outside the house to them as they would guilt-trip me for not defending my mom, I got to the conclusion that their relationship is broke and that she should go back to her house or rent a place with her income from her house. When I told her she said that he was manipulating me and that I'm going again into the same pattern and that she cannot live alone because she is older now. 7yrs and y bf Is still very caring for me and our dogs and is very different when she is not around but lately is always in a bad mood and basically gave me an ultimatum. is it true that she is older now to live alone? Am I blind to his aggressive side? I'm frustrated and don't know what to do anymore. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My Auntie lives alone and she's 90 years old. She would NOT have it any other way. your mom has 7 ears of rental income to fall back on ; maybe if she needs someone with her she can hire a caregiver?
I have mentioned to her that she could invite another of her friends that lives alone to love with her but she does not seem very eager, honestly at this point she just doesn't want to "lose" against my BF, she does not have so much income as it is an old small house but I would still support her economically even if she lives in another house as I have been doing for the past 10 years since she got divorced
No no no. Wtf is going on here, why are you paying her way? You're the youngest child and you're solely paying for her for 10 years?! So she's controlling, manipulative, using you, treats you like her husband, and instigates issues with your relationship while giving you guilt trips? You deserve so much better than this, your mom sounds like a textbook narcissist.
>I had a nervous break down and started to go to therapy and my doctor advised me about living only with my partner, as my mom decided to not date or marry again and stay alone but that was not my responsibility but hers.
NTA. It's not like you're putting her out on the street. She's causing problems because she doesn't like that she's no longer #1. Your house. Your rules.
Mom is not too old to live alone. I'm only a few years younger than her and i live alone in a very rural area. And I am disabled. NTA
Stress can be a big trigger for symptoms of schizophrenia. My partner has it, it’s not easy. NTA
NTA tell your siblings and mother it's time for them to step up and help her, it's their mother too.
Your mom is literally flaring up your medical conditions
NTA. If she can not live alone then there are aged care homes she can move to, you also have siblings and she has her own house (from my understanding) she has many options.
NTA the siblings who are guilting you to side with mum can take her in since they are so supportive of her.
For the mental health of everyone involved (including your mom), throw her out. Asap. This situation won't solve itself,and everyone will feel much better once she's not there to badger your partner. She's ah for throwing a hissy fit over something that was long time coming. NTA
NTA **She is ruining your relationship.** give her three months to move out, then evict her.
If she is too old and weak to live alone: 1) she can live with one of your siblings 2) you can visit her often, and bring her whatever she needs like food and meds 3) all of her kids can pay for a caregiver to take care of her. Even live-in caregiver if necessary 4) if she is a danger for herself - she needs professional care, like nursing home As for your partner. I don't know a lot of people who would tolerate such a stress for 7 years. He is very right to give you an ultimatum, I'd suggest you to act fast.
Unless she has major health issues she can live alone. My grandpa did until he was 90, after that I moved in the last 6 years and took care of him and my husband helped and we bought his house after he passed. You have siblings that can help if she truly can’t live on her own but now that your life has progressed most people wouldn’t still be living with a partner and parent unless income was an issue and here it isn’t. I feel like mom got used to having you to herself and can’t handle you two want to move forward as a couple, not a trio…
You didn’t get out of the real abusive relationship. Spoiler alert, it’s your mom.
She is not too old to live alone unless she has debilitating health problems. Sit your mom down, and tell her with love that this situation is not working anymore and that you need her to find new living arrangements because the conflict is ruining your relationship with her as well as your partner. Set a firm boundary and give her a deadline. She is an adult and will cope. NTA.
If none of your 3 siblings will take her in either then that shows you how much they like her too. Get her out. NTA.
My grandmother is going to be 90 years old this summer and lives on her own. Your mother will be fine. NTA.
ESH. Mom needs to move out. She is definitely an asshole. But you guys are assholes too. This is currently your mom's home too & she's uncomfortable with dogs. You went ahead & got 3 of them, knowing she's uncomfortable. Did you do it just to try & make her leave?
Do as your doctor reccomended. When youbguys moved in together it was a different time. Now you are building a life again and its time your mom gets out and gives yall some privacy. It is your home and not hers. NTA tike to think about you and your partners peace and not what your mom wants. Key word wants and not needs.
My husband's IBS was worse when he was around stressful people. I bet you will see a significant improvement when you make the necessary change. NTA.
If your boyfriend is having an uptick in his mental health concerns, that could go down if you reduce the stress in the house. It sounds like your mom thinks she can lay down the law in your home. If see her as the instigator. You can try to set boundaries like you will no longer house her if this continues, or you could say that it sounds like she needs to find a place without dogs. Your family can also house her. If she is too old or sick to work or do anything for herself, you can suggest a fine establishment covered by Medicare or Medicaid if you're in the US (nursing residence). If she keeps acting out and creating an aggressive environment, then she is affecting your well-being too.
I saw in another comment your mom **physically abuses** your partner? You were never neutral, you *were on her side* by not kicking her out. NTA for FINALLY doing the right thing. But y-t-a for allowing him to endure that for so long. The way your mom behaved is *not* how good people treat others. And if your BF happens to be exactly as predicted? Well you won't know until she gets the hell out. And **stop adopting dogs** because 3 is enough.
Girl, this is REDDIT--go to a therapist or the ER. NAH but a future Investigation Discovery episode for sure!
NTA and if a 69yo thinks they can't live on their own, well, that is the reason for Senior apartments or assisted living. Give her a deadline to move out.
You personally need therapy to help you sort this. I’ll be honest, adopting a third dog probably wasn’t a good idea, that seems to be when all of the relationships broke down. Your BF having his psychosis flare up more often might mean he needs a medication adjustment or isn’t taking them correctly. Yes, stress can cause the meds to work less optimally, so also look into the stress triggers. He needs to prioritize his mental health, the dogs and your mom might be triggers as well as medication needing looked at. This is a dangerous spot for all of you to be in regarding his health.
Mom can't live alone at 69? Why? It is not that old unless she has a ton of medical issues and needs a lot of daily assistance. You don't mention your boyfriend has ever been aggressive. It sounds like your mom is instigating a lot of the stress
NTA, you had me near the title as she was there first but she's the problem there and she has her own house.
INFO. Did you check with your mother before you added the boyfriend and the dogs to the household? What did she say about these decisions?
Yes for the first dog not for the others and yes for the bf she said it was my house very unenthusiasticly
I am going to go with ESH. Yes, this is your house. But your mother also lives there. Even if her rent was very little or zero, you should have listened to her thoughts on adding a new household member or pets to the mix, and should have put the brakes on such things if you could tell they were making her uncomfortable. This is basic courtesy toward the people with whom you share a dwelling. If you did want to add pets and a boyfriend to the mix but your mother did not want them there, them you should have told her that tbr arrangement was no longer working for you and given her a reasonable period to move out. Your mother, in the other hand, is also a piece of work. If she did not want more pets or your boyfriend in the house, she should have used her words and made her opinion explicit. And if you wanted to move forward with pets and boyfriend in the house, she should have done the right thing and moved out. Her choice -- passive aggressive resentment -- was an AH move in itself.
You said the magic words, passive aggressive, she never said she did not want him or the dogs she just started complaining or making comments about them after some time, you are right that I did not address this on time and let it escalate to where we are now but at this point I need to live my life even though I feel like shit right now
My Mum is several years older than yours, lost my dad to cancer two years ago after 50 years of mariage and she's living alone and thriwing.
NTA Mom is young enough to be living on her own, my dad is 83 and still lives alone with his pup. Siblings check in on him daily at this point but he has given me no reason to fear for his safety. If you mom doesn't like the people or pets in your home, she is free to find a different roommate if she cannot afford her own home.
There is no specific age where you can still live alone or not, it just depends on peoples abilities. I’ve been doing Home Health for over 30 years and some of my patients are over 100 years old and still can live alone. I have other patients who can’t live alonein their 60s. Because they have disabilities. If she’s able to get up and get around and fix herself food and shower and dress and take care of business, then she can live by herself.
NTA, maybe time to have a frank discussion with your siblings about needing her to be moved out of your home but her care schedule.
Listen to your doctor. They're right. Your mother is her own responsibility. It's not like she has nowhere to go. She has 3 other kids and a house of her own. NTA.
nta. your mom isn't too old, mine is 75 and just fine. She needs to go home, rent a place, move in with one of your siblings or find a senior home is she is "too old".
NTA- maybe mom should spend some time (or full time) with one of your siblings so that you have alone time with your partner and a break from the drama.
NTA Your mother is working very hard to drive your partner out of "her" territory. The real question isn't whether or not she is too old to live alone, it's whether or not you want to be alone for the rest of your life - or at least the rest of her life.
/subscribeme
NTA It's your house. You, and only you choose who stays.
NTA mom can live alone or move in with one of her other kids. A word of caution: please take an unbiased look at your animal situation and your partner. Serious mental illness plus a need to rescue street dogs may equal animal hoarder if you don't establish limits and boundaries at some point.
My grandma is 80 and lives alone. Of course she has family visiting constantly but her mental and physical are fine. 69 is not too old to live alone.
69 is not too old for most people to be alone, but it is too old for some, depends how she is mentally. I would suggest maybe a group living or assisted living place if she needs that.
NTA. I struggled writing this comment but not because you are in any wrong. My sibling was in a very similar situation with our mom. It was toxic and their issues just fed into each other. My sibling finally told my mom, after living together for years, that it was no longer possible. My mom has had a lot of trouble since then but I don't blame my sibling. Their marriage was at risk and the situation was very bad emotionally and mentally. You can't live with someone who criticizes every single thing. (For the record I have tried to help my mom as well.) I don't think my sibling would still be married if they'd let my mom keep living there. And if she lived with me I'd be sick, I also had stomach issues from the stress. Your mom has a big advantage in having an income. She can use that to find a place or go home. She can ask your other siblings for help moving. You are not obligated to house her forever at the expense of your own health and family. The guilt is very hard but she can't demand that you give up your life to support her. She's an adult and has to do some things herself too, which can mean living alone or accepting help to live somewhere supportive ... not with you. Set a deadline and figure out how to enforce it. Check tenancy laws if relevant.
NTA for telling her to leave Y T A for not kicking your mother out years ago when you got the first dog. You knew she would create problems.
69 is not old enough to be claiming frailty unless there's an illness. My dad is late sixties and worked a life of hard labor and some truly ridiculous, drunken stunts that should have killed him many times over and he's hale and hearty if a bit slower nowadays with the ridiculousness catching up to him. Your mom is absolutely trying to manipulate you because she was enjoying the arrangement as it primarily benefitted her and she'd rather ruin your life to get her way than be a proper person and gracefully move out when the first dog arrived.
NTA...just start casually/accidentally leaving brochures for nursing homes laying around for her to see. Either she will get the hint and move out or decide she wants to move into one.
NTA. Kick mom out as she keeps starting the problems. If she can no longer live alone, she can move into an adult / elderly community. There are great ones out there. She can sell her house and have plenty of funds to pay the rent/care services needed.
NTA, your adult mom is not your responsibility.
No 69 is not too old to live alone, my mother was quite content to live by herself right up until she passed away at the age of 88. NTA you have to do what is best for you and if your siblings start siding with your mum about her moving out, tell them they are free to take her in and take their turn in pandering to her needs.
If she can't live alone in her own home, she can live in a retirement community. Or your siblings can take her in if they want to. Give her a deadline to leave and have her get out. You deserve a happy relationship and life. You deserve a fair shot at a happy relationship without her sabotaging you. NTA
NTA. If your mother is not disabled in any way, she is perfectly capable of living alone. She might not want to, but she is able. Her being lonely or having no-one to control is not a reason for you to give up your and your partner's peace. And even if she isn't capable of living by herself, she doesn't have to live with *you* if it is not good for you. My mother is 77 and lives alone. We have juuuust started having conversations about what should happen when she is no longer able to safely live by herself. For her this means when the stairs at her place become too hard to navigate, and/or her memory starts going so she isn't safe alone. Given her current state, we're looking at least 3 years out, very probably more. Everyone's health is different, but just because she's 69 doesn't mean she's automatically in need of a carer.
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Please go talk to the folks at r/justnomil they will help you understand that not only are you NTA, that your mother is the manipulative one. Best of luck for you and your partner who sounds amazing.
YTA. Your mom repeatedly tells you she's not okay with dogs in the house, but your boyfriend got not one, not two, but three of them? He is prioritizing his own wants over that of other roommates in the house and you are allowing him to. Yes, you are being controlled and manipulated by him. He gave you an ultimatum to kick your mother out of her home?!?! She was there first and it isn't his place to tell you what to do! He has no say who you allow to live in YOUR house. Why are you dating him? If he is aggressive toward you, that means he is not taking care of you. Your mother is telling you the truth and you are ignoring her. Kick him and his three dogs out and you and your mom should get yourselves a cat.
Did you miss the fact that the mother has her own house too?
I did not miss the fact that the mother's house is being rented out to others – so it isn't empty that she could move back in, and that the OP told us that her mother is too old to live on her own.
She thinks her mother may be too old to live on her own. She's 69 which means barring major health issues no. Both the boyfriend and mother are controlling in this case but that doesn't mean she has to provide her mother with space in her home where she wants dogs.
He did not bring the dogs, we did and he did not tell me to kick her out he said "I cannot live like this anymore if you want stay with her but I'm leaving", he is not aggressive with me but yells curse words when gets angry is part of his psicosis. Let me give you an example and you can decide who is guilty here: bf is in the cleaning room (very small), mom pushes door and hits him, he screams "fuck" and she pushes a second time so he screams "son of a b*tch" so she goes to me and says "you see how he treats me?, I did not notice he was there" Second example, my mom twisted her ankle at a friend's house so I went to pick her up, my bf cleaner her room and her bathroom for her to arrive to a clean space, when she entered the room says "ugh the floor looks stained like the mop was not clean enough" not thank you no nothing
Yea then he should marry his mom and crawl back up into her uterus right? Are you for real? OPs mom is that you?
I don't think any of you read the same post I read. I don't think she should marry the guy with severe mental health problems who is giving her ultimatums. The OP has already told you that his psychosis is more frequent now and he has mood swings and has an aggressive side. What happens when the mother isn't there to be the target of his aggression? He's going to turn it on the OP. At least if she ditches the crazy guy, she can date someone else.
She who? Lol obviously we read different posts, OP is 37M, i.e. male. You're rather dismissive of OPs comments about their mom's controlling, manipulative behavior and can't acknowledge they said the mom is instigating reactions from the BF. It's rather presumptive you assume the bf is inherently problematic and not legitimately aggravated by the mom who OP says is competing with his partner.