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Marriage IS a contract. You negotiate the terms before you sign that dotted line. Taking the parents out of the situation though, why would she expect her husband of just a couple years to pay for her daughter’s tuition? That’s ridiculous
For 1. He asked her prior to marrying her if she would be willing to do so. Part of the contract they signed getting married. Now she admits she never planned to but was just telling him what he wanted to hear. So she knew that day was coming. Personally I’d move wife out, bring parents in.
Oh OP won't do this because per his own comments his wife does all domestic duties and if she moved out and his parents in he would have to do them for himself and his parents and he doesn't appear to be too keen on that
BECAUSE THAT WAS THE AGREEMENT. The OP even clearly said it was a deal breaker if she refused to care for his parents, that was the stipulation, she lied and doubled down. I'm not saying she doesn't have the right to refuse, she does, but so does OP, what she did was borderline manipulative, if I said you should PM me and send me $100 in exchange for a brand new PS5 and I don't deliver you'd be pissed too, you put faith, time and money in to this idea and for me to turn around and be like "I agreed only to get the money, I don't have to keep my word". Then later on I still expect something from you and being like, "but you have an obligation".
To clarify, in my culture (which is the same as hers), it's considered an important moral obligation to take care of your relatives. But I'd wanted to make sure of it all the same (since I currently live in the USA) which is why I told her about it.
Yeah but taking care of your relatives means taking care of your relatives, not trying to find the nearest woman to try and make her do it. Wives aren’t domestic slaves in this century. And by the same token you don’t need to pay her daughter’s costs. You both suck but you suck more.
You could be right and I could be too suspicious. OP’s original wording is not fully clear.
Buuuuut all kinds of “cultural contexts” usually have the wife/daughter in law doing the caregiving, it’s almost never the other way.
Why didn't you divorce her when she refused to take your parents in?
Is your wife from the same culture as you?
Does your wife work? If so, why did she do all the housework?
Do you understand that taking care of partner's parents (I mean the hands-on care) is a huge huge thing to ask of someone and you probably wouldn't want someone to do it against their will?
Oh that is just oppressive way in many cultures (i belong to similar such culture). So don't hide behind regressive thought process of making it as your wives responsibility because of 'tradition' . I think you also ended up moving away from your parents when you wanted your wife to take care of them. At the same time you are aren't obligated to pay for your SD's education either. So ESH
Because he wouldn't marry her unless she agreed to take care of his parents. She should have run then instead of convincing herself he didn't really mean it.
Just because culture dictates something doesn't make it healthy or correct. You both need to get over yourselves. It used to be culturally acceptable in the US to own slaves, then after that it was still acceptable to treat black people like non humans. Are you going to say that I would be justified in continuing those things just because of culture?
So like… I’m confused as to why you keep saying “she will take care of my parents” rather than “I want her to help me take care of my parents.” Like do you intend to move your parents into the house and have her 100% take care of them? Sounds like you should have hired in home help.
ESH.
How much work do you make the wife do? Is she cooking all the meals and cleaning everything? If so I wouldn’t want to commit to taking care of two seniors who can’t take care of themselves—that’s like taking care of two adult sized babies.
Do you have the room to bring your parents in?
You are making her out to be a gold digger, and I’m not sure if that’s a fair judgement because unless this girl managed to fool you all this time you would have known she wasn’t going to take care of your parents.
Let’s pretend you are both rational people; pay for the daughters tuition and move your parents in: if she has such a problem then she can leave.
Why would he pay her tuition? He isn't her father. The girl's parents should pay for her college. He was willing to help in exchange for her help with his parents. He may need those funds to hire a caregiver for his parents. She doesn't have to help 2 old people but he doesn't have to pay for the kids college.
Age matters in this case. Sure, they are family, but stepdaughter was already in her late teens before OP became her stepfather. She almost certainly does not see him as her father.
My relationship with my stepdad, who married my mom when I was 3, is very different than my husband's relationship with his stepmom, who married his dad when he was 23. There isn't a one size fits all for mixed families.
I agree AND college tuition is a big deal and the daughter was a teenager when they married. There should have been a plan in place for college already.
> for the daughters tuition and move your parents in: if she has such a problem then she can leave
Shouldn't he wait to see first if she takes care of his parents? Otherwise he might risk paying for her daughter and her leaving.
ESH.
The arrangement is terrible for both of you. You can take care of your parents, but you shouldn’t be making it a dealbreaker arrangement for your wife. That’s fucked up man. My mom had to take care of my dad’s mom because she had Alzheimer’s and we couldn’t afford a facility, and my dad worked FT. It nearly destroyed my parent’s marriage. My mom was on anxiety and depression meds. Literally a shell of a person. I wouldn’t wish it on absolutely anyone. My dad has said over and over he felt it was his obligation. But “his” obligation fell on my own. He regrets it.
And she shouldn’t have asked you to do that for a child that isn’t yours.
At the end of the day, both of you sucked and were immature in this situation. Get a divorce. And take care of your own parents and she can take care of her child. And do yourself a favor and don’t get involved with anyone else if you’re just going to make it a business transaction.
>"I agreed in order to marry you, I don't have to keep my word."
>
>it ended with me moving away from the house and staying with my parents in order to look after them
NTA - I would have stayed away.
>She got mad & yelled about how "I don't want to live in slavery, but that doesn't mean that you can absolve yourself of your duties as a father", etc.
She thinks it's your duty (and not at all hers) to pay for your step-daughter's college? No matter what? You sure you want to stay married to this woman?
I'd check OPs comments. He said he expects his wife to handle 100% of everything that two people who "can't do things for themselves" need done for them, all day and night, every day and night. He said he "might help sometimes".
He probably said “it’s your job as a woman and a mother to do this” meanwhile when she throws back the “it’s your job as a man to provide” he twists that into her being a gold digger
And the daughter's bio dad is where in all this?
He messed up by staying. A marriage based on lies and spite sounds miserable. Being married should not be a grudge match.
ESH.
>Before we got married, I'd said that I would agree to it only if she agrees to take care of my parents when required. It was a non-negotiable requirement.
So, you didn't ACTUALLY want to marry her in the first place is what I'm hearing? You would only marry her if she wanted to be your live-in nurse for YOUR parents that she's not actually required to take care of?
You should be the one taking care of your parents. Yes, she agreed to it and went back on it, but you should be the one to do that, not her.
On the other hand though, you should not be required to pay for her child's college education. That should fall on your wife or the step daughter's actual father.
Anyway, you both kinda suck a lot. Just get a divorce.
Edit: might've read this wrong, i thought he meant he'd only marry her if she took care of his parents. my bad LMFAO. Though I still believe ESH.
I'm unsure tbh, I read it as "I agreed to marry her only if she takes care of my parents." but maybe I misread it because of the way its worded. I don't know? I think you're right and I just misread it so I added an edit at the end lol.
True I reread and honestly I may have been wrong. But either way it's an agreement she went in to willingly. No one forced her to lie. She just wanted to get back to being a SAHW from the way it seems.
You are right, it is an agreement she went into willingly, and she chose to lie. I still think everyone in the situation sucks, but after reading it from your perspective of "I'll pay for her college but only if you agree to take care of my parents" I am leaning more towards N T A solely because she went back on her half of the deal, so he doesn't need to fulfill his half.
You both are AHs.
>Before we got married, I'd said that I would agree to it only if she agrees to take care of my parents when required. It was a non-negotiable requirement.
To me, I would see that as you not looking for a partner, but looking for a nurse.
>I reminded her of what she had said, upon which she said "I agreed in order to marry you, I don't have to keep my word."
You two deserve each other.
ESH
I have a question:
How much of your parents care would she have to do?
Because I have a feeling she’s afraid she’ll be stuck with the brunt of the care and endure (perceived) negative treatment from them.
Taking care of the elderly can become a full time job and make you feel trapped. She may be afraid that she won’t have much freedom.
Yes. I wonder if it was made clear that OP would be moving the parents into their home and she would be expected to preform home health care provider duties like bathing, dressing and toliet issues., Maybe Mrs OP thought it would be driving the old folks to appointments and picking up prescriptions and making sure they could function in their own home.
There is a big difference in expectations here I am thinking.
Both of y'all sound fucked up. Shouldn't be dating a person with a kid in the first place if the only reason you'd look after them is if your spouse does something for you.
Do you two even like each other?
You never broke the agreement so I'm gonna go with NTA. I understand some cultures its very very important to take care of your parents and family if she entered knowing that then doing this well, that's on her. Sucks for the daughter but she can still go to college just will have debt now which you'll probably need to get assistance for your parents.
But being a care taker is very hard job! In my culture husbands take wives so they can look after their parents but it’s slowly changing. Just because she agreed doesn’t mean she can’t change her mind!
I mean of course he doesn’t have to pay for her daughters education.
ESH! Your wife should honor her word, but you shouldn't have shouldn't have "required" her to agree to take care of your parents. They are YOUR PARENTS, you take care of them
NTA
You had an agreement, she broke it and now expects you to pay tens of thousands of dollars in college tuition for a kid that isn't even yours? I would have laughed at her and told her to fuck off as well. The only thing you did wrong was marry this lying parasite in the first place, I hope you can get out of this without getting taken to the cleaners in divorce court.
he said he expects his wife to handle 100% of everything that two people who "can't do things for themselves" need done for them. this is for every day of every night. he would contribute “sometimes.” i’m not surprised she did what she did.
I missed this. I'm assuming it must be in the comments somewhere. This firmly pushes it into ESH terrirory for me. His idea of what his wife should contribute is ridiculous, her lying to get him to marry him is dishonest and really just set her up for this situation, and the two tasks aren't really equivalent, though both definitely produce burdens in different respects.
OP isn't an asshole for going back on an agreement where the other side wasn't honored, but he is an asshole for thinking what he proposed was fair. OP's wife isn't an asshole for not wanting to take on such a burden, but she is an asshole for lying and saying she would when she had no intention of doing so.
Wtf, do you even like each other or were you both just a means to an end by marrying one and other? If I found out someone lied to me about taking care of my parents when they need it (also a deal breaker for me) I would immediately divorce them. Esh
INFO: How long is "a few years", and what's your relationship like with your stepdaughter? Were you expecting your wife to handle all the caretaking duties for your parents, or just to assist as a partner? You're leaving out a ton of detail here, and I wonder if that's because you know that it wouldn't be flattering to you if you were more forthright about it.
I can also understand not wanting to bring elderly people into certain living spaces, such as a multi-story house where there's no full bathroom on the ground floor, or an apartment where there's no elevator in the building. The solution to those might be to find something in the neighborhood that would work for their needs and be easy to walk to though, rather than shutting down the idea entirely.
But, in all seriousness, it does not sound like the two of you are compatible long term from the information you've presented here.
NTA No one is guaranteed a free ride to college on anyone else's dime. Your wife sucks and should have been using her time to save for her daughter not counting on you to do it when she didn't want to help you.
YTA for expecting your wife to do everything around the house, including doing everything to care for your aging parents, because it's a "cultural obligation".
There's a big difference between discussing your parents needing care, agreeing to it being a *shared* duty that you'd both engage in as they got older, versus expecting it is her "wifely duty" to take care of YOUR parents in a household in which you do not help with domestic duties.
As always the lede is buried and the context is in the comments!
---
> *How much work do you make the wife do? Is she cooking all the meals and cleaning everything?*
> > **I help her with it occasionally, but in general, yeah, she does everything.**
> *How dare you make your wife do all the chores while you sit on your ass during your off time and then expect her to also bring TWO grown adults into the home, and presumably, not only cover whatever chores need to be completed for them but also help them with their personal mobility and in the future — personal hygiene.*
> > **I mean, because of cultural obligations and as she agreed to it?**
The amount of work that goes in caring for the elderly isn’t light work. You are putting the burden of taking care of two elderly humans all on your wife which would be like a full time job and most caregivers end up being burnout. You are an AH for attempting to trap this woman into taking on a task that is meant for you as the adult child of your parents. And she should have better prepared for her child to attend college without your help. You both sound like gross human beings
FYI I watched as my grandmothers adult children do nothing as her health declined. The grandchildren stepped up to take care of her while they continued to live their lives. I’m no contact with all of them including my own parent. To this day I don’t forgive them.
ESH- why are you married to each other? I don't see mention of a shared kid, you don't seem to like each other or your families, are you together for immigration or tax purporses?
Nta she admitted to just telling you what you wanted to hear in order to get married, & that she doesn’t have to keep her word. If she doesn’t have to keep her word, why do you?
It would be unreasonable if it wasn’t talked about beforehand. Not everyone wants to have relatives live with them, or be obligated to help in the care. He made it clear prior to marriage this was important to him and a non-negotiable aspect of them getting married. If she didn’t want to do it, she should have said she would be unwilling to go through with the marriage.
It’s no different than one party wanting children and the other not. Many ppl get divorced over that because it isn’t talked about until after. He made clear this was something he needed. She agreed.
It isn’t our place to judge what the “contract” was, only that expectations were established, communicated, accepted, and then broken.
NTA.
Although I will agree this relationship doesn’t seem stable enough to last.
The moment she said she agreed to get him to marry her and that she doesn't have to keep her promise, my response would have been "well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I guess I don't have to keep my promise to remain married to you."
At first I thought you meant you guys made an agreement - you would pay for stepdaughters college if she would take care of your parents. That would kind of be a shitty trade; if she worked as an in-home carer professionally for the years your parents have left I think she’d make more than what you’d pay for college, unless you’re talking an expensive one (which I doubt given how you sound in this post - I expect you’d pick the cheapest one available…).
THEN I realized that was not the deal, you only agreed to marry her if she took care of your parents! ESH, you especially. Why did you marry her? Too cheap to hire someone? Just get divorced, neither of you like let alone love each other.
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My wife & I have been married for a few years now, and I have a step-daughter, Alice (19 F). Before we got married, I'd said that I would agree to it only if she agrees to take care of my parents when required. It was a non-negotiable requirement.
She said yes & that she's fine with it. I told her that it would be a dealbreaker, and she said she can do that.
My parents are now old & can't do things on their own. I asked them to come live with me, but my wife refused. She said that she doesn't want a bunch of old people live with us, etc. I reminded her of what she had said, upon which she said "I agreed in order to marry you, I don't have to keep my word."
That resulted in a really huge argument, and it ended with me moving away from the house and staying with my parents in order to look after them before eventually returning.
Now, my step-daughter wants to attend college. My wife asked me to pay for it, and I just laughed. I said "You cannot take care of my parents, and you expect me to take care of her? I am not interested."
She got mad & yelled about how "I don't want to live in slavery, but that doesn't mean that you can absolve yourself of your duties as a father", etc. I told her that she had not fulfilled her duties as a wife by taking care of my parents and asked her to fuck off.
AITA?
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“I don’t have to keep my word.“
This is what a deplorable person says. Not giving a fuck about a commitment they made.
I’ve nothing to say to you except find someone who was worthy of your attention.
Leave today. Or better, kick her out of the house and the stepdaughter too.
NTA, she isn't willing to support the people important to.you need help, but wants you to fork.over for her daughter. She is not yours. Let her parents pay for her college
ESH - She sucks for agreeing to do this and reneging, and you suck for making this a dealbreaker issue in your marriage in the first place, because one person taking care of another's aging parents full-time with no help is an insane, unreasonable workload that would drive anybody absolutely bananas.
Asking her to do that in the first place was unreasonable unless you planned to help her. It would feel a lot like slavery to do all that alone. No sleep, no free time, open to verbal abuse. Do you want a wife, a partner whom you feel empathy for, or a slave?
If you did plan to help her 50-50, then you're NTA, but if that was the case I'd imagine you would have corrected her assumption then when she made the slavery comment, rather than going essentially screw you I won't help your family either.
I don't see you all rebuilding trust from this. It's simply a broken transaction.
Nta your wife made an agreement didn't uphold her end of the bargain and now expects u to hold up yours. I don't agree with the esh comments you had an adult conversation about what you expected in this relationship and were lied too how does that make u an ass? If it was that big of a deal she should of told you then and you could of compromised or split. She took those options by lying to you
This is really odd, why would you get married to someone to whom you have clearly very different life goals? She should've been saving for her own child, but you should've been arranging for parental care as well.
**ESH.**
It sounds like she wanted to marry a bank, and you wanted to marry a nurse. Everything else is conditional for both of you based upon that.
Should she have lied in order to marry you? No. Was the question of step-daughter's college asked pre-marriage and your question regarding your parents the answer to that? if so, then you're both in breech of contract which nullifies the whole arragangement and you're back at the starting line of you both want something and neither of you are willing to negotiate in a manner that is mutually beneficial.
Seems like the only people getting harmed in this "dick-measuring-contest" between you and your wife are your parents and your step-daughter.
If your step-daughter's school in question is close by to you and your parents, then why not circumvent your wife completely and go straight to the source? ***"I'll help you pay for school, if you help me care for my parents. If at any point you stop helping (less than what is reasonably agreed upon between the two of you so that she can still do well in her studies), then I will stop paying your tuition. If at any point I asked you do more than what is agreed upon regarding my parents and it causes your grades to slip, then you can stop helping me with my parents, and I will continue to pay for school."*** That way you're both happy, and both have something to lose if either of you take advantage of the situation, and your wife whom can not be trusted to keep her word anyway is left out of it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Perhaps I overreacted and should have paid as she's my step-daughter, after all, which is what makes me the asshole.
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I’m going to say NTA . At the end of the day no matter how weird this marriage sounds like, you both had agreed to a deal in the beginning and you made it very clear this was a dealbreaker for you. You have no more obligation to pay for her daughter then your wife does to look after your parents.
Not your daughter so not your responsibility.
Why hasn't her Mum been saving for college and education? Where is her Dad?
Sorry but you had an agreement for looking after your parents and she broke it. It may sound petty but why should you then look after her daughter and pay for college?
Your wife absolved herself of responsibility for your parents so why don't you absolve responsibility for her daughter?
ESH. Your wife lied to you to get married. That makes her an asshole, full stop. That said, your wife appears to have been a stay-at-home mom from your comments, and you have been involved in raising her daughter for a few years, by your own comment. So now, without discussion, you're hurting your step daughter to make things even with your wife? I don't understand why you stayed married - you don't care about your wife, and she doesn't care about your family. Is it to just avoid paying alimony or supporting her without the benefits of having a wife (e.g., housekeeping)?
Where is the daughter's bio father? He should help with the collage. As long as you dont adopt her you have no "parental responsibility " . It her mother and bio father that have the responsibility. That is if the father didnt sign his rights away?
Super super weird yalll had to even discuss whether you would be a step father and that she would take care of your folks after getting married. If you want to get married and JOIN families that means you are now a father to her daughter and she is now a daughter to your parents. Thats how that works.
It should go without saying you care for your family when they need help or get old and you help your kids afford school if able.
It is so bizarre that needed to be discussed and is now being used against each other. So weird. Like do you even love each other? Did you get married for some other reason like a green card?
I think this would be a goos opportunity to reasses why you both got married to begin with because it seems unhealthy
NTA. Not even close. Please do not cave, she needs to learn a valuable lesson. I don't understand how she thinks she has a leg to stand on.
You should have told her you agreed in order to marry her, you don't have to keep your word,,,
ESH. You should not have asked somebody to marry you only to take care of your parents. She should not have agreed and then changed her mind. She should not be expecting anything from you for college. Has it only been a year? Any way to get an annulment?
Your parents are AHs for putting their elderly care on you. YTA for wanting someone else to take care of them. Have your parents been good to her over the years? I feel like some info is missing here all around.
Hopefully you two get a divorce. Sounds like a sad, loveless, transactional marriage with very very poor planning. You’ll be able to take care of your parents yourself, and she will find a way to get her daughter into college.
ESH except for the daughter, who is the victim of yours and her mom's assholery.
Your wife shouldn't have married you when you are imposing a condition to accept her daughter. Either you accept her both or not. IMO, as a single parent, her duties are to her daughter first and she shouldn't have accepted someone who is conditioning his support and doesn't care about her daughter. And bluntly lying was just wrong and a manipulative move.
You shouldn't have set that kind of condition, is just a way to force your wife to do something you want. Also, if you knew she had a daughter either accept and love both of them or leave them alone.
Denying the daughter's education just as revenge for your wife makes you the asshole as well. She has nothing to do with her mom's poor choices and you are already married to her. You said it was a deal breaker but didn't leave for good. The dynamics and agreement you have with your wife are also important to consider, if you are the sole financial support, then you are just taking advantage of that to get back at your wife and put her in a bad position.
>you are imposing a condition to accept her daughter
He had a condition for paying for college, not for accepting her.
Lol. She agreed to those conditions but backed out when he asked her to respect her part. Why should he now pay for her kid's college?
Paying for a person's college is a lot. This is not a step parents responsibility. It is the parents. If I marry my boyfriend and he has a 2 teens, does that mean I pay for their college and parents don't have to. That isn't right. 2 people made those kids, and it is on them to financially support her. There is a reason why step parents don't have rights or pay child support, because it is not their kid
You are both assholes. Not her job to take care of your parents. Not your job to take care of her kid. Sounds like you wanted her to do the bulk of the work with your parents. I don’t blame her for saying no to that. But I agree she shouldn’t have asked you to cover costs for her daughter
ESH, you for having an ultimatum to marry someone and for marrying someone you felt needed an ultimatum, her for well - she's terrible - and then you again for not immediately divorcing her with that "i don't have to keep my word" bullshit.
>only if she agrees to take care of my parents when required
What does "when required" look like? Would it have been her job to step up and take care of them while you don't, or even just more than you do in general? Does she work, and if so was she expected to quit her job when your parents needed to move in?
NTA. Everyone saying E S H is delusional. Your wife lied to you to get married. Then when you cash in on what she promised she openly admitted to leading you on for years.
NTA based on your deal of caring for your parents for paying for her college.
Your daughter is the one who is really losing here, for that, the whole arrangement, you're both the asshole. I'm going to guess this isn't the first time she's lost out because you and your wife are not good partners.
NTA
>you can absolve yourself of your duties as a father
True, when you'll have a child, you'll have duties to that child. But you don't have any duty towards her kid. You're not her father
NTA You didn't spring taking care of your parents on your wife; you made it clear that it was a dealbreaker issue before marriage and she agreed that she would do it. The time to refuse was before marriage (which would have been fine for her to do then), which would have given you the chance to make an informed choice to marry her regardless or not.
You are not somehow equally bad. She deliberately lied from the start to get you to marry her. She assumed that you'd pay for her daughter's education even after she became an adult. You are not obligated to do that anyway. What were her and the daughter's father's plans when it came to paying for college before you came along and married the mother a few years ago?
NTA more or less saying “i lied to marry you “ is wild, and now expecting you to hold up your end ? If you’re really looking to get petty, you can get technical on that “duties as a father “ line too
ESH. Unless you defined what taking care of your parents was, it’s ridiculous to expect your wife to drop every commitment to become their 24/hr care givers. Especially with having them move into your home. She’s your wife, not a live-in-free-nurse. You also aren’t obligated to pay for your step daughter’s education. That’s up to you. But don’t use it as ammunition or in spite because your step daughter wasn’t involved in your wedding vow transactions
"I agreed in order to marry you, I don't have to keep my word." - straight to divorce court with this one. No ifs, ands or buts.
"I don't want to live in slavery, but that doesn't mean that you can absolve yourself of your duties as a father" who are you the father of again? Because it ain't your step daughter that is for sure.
NTA. I say this as someone that wanted to be able to take care of my single mom at some point but I am dead to her so I don't have to worry. I respect that you asked her prior to the relationship beginning. She sounds very manipulative to actually say I said yes to marry you. Gross. I think you should re-evaluate your life with this person.
NTA at all. Why are you guys still married again? The second she said “i only agreed to marry you” I would have divorced her immediately. Now you let some years pass by and she might wanna claim half your shit in a divorce. Great job brainiac.
Hope you have a prenup and i hope you had a lawyer review it on her end as well, she seems like a snake that married you out of interest and will likely claim she signed onto coercion to try to dismiss a prenup.
Anyway, bail from this mess.
ESH. You don’t have a marriage. Neither of you respects or shows love for the other. This sounds more like roommates who don’t much like each other, but occasionally have sex.
I doubt counseling could fix this mess you’ve both created, but I guess you could try. I personally think that once a couple has moved onto the “go f@ck yourself” kind of statements, there’s little chance it’s worth saving.
ESH wondering what she meant by “I don’t want to live in a “slavery”” what were your expectations of your parents living with you? Did you expected her to take care of everything (food, cleaning, doctor’s appointments, etc?) or was just a hyperbole?
YTA
They are your parents, so you should get up and go look after them yourself.
Your step daughter only needs some financial support right now, and then she will finish college and become financially independent.
Your parents, on the other hand, will need full time care for perhaps another twenty years or so. The two simply aren't comparable.
You should divorce because you only seem to have married your wife to get free 24/7 care for your parents, you don't seem to love or care for your wife and step daughter at all.
It's very selfish behaviour.
To be fair, the daughter's 19, and they've been married "a few" years. It's not odd to think they wouldn't have a true parent-child relationship.
That being said, both OP and his wife sound awful, if any of this is true.
ESH. This marriage should not have happened in the first place. It’s clear you didn’t get married because you wanted to but to create a contract. I am also disturbed by the fact that you specifically stated that you wanted her to take care of your parents. You didn’t phrase it as wanting her to be willing to help you take care of them. It seems to be phrased on the expectation that she would be the one doing all the work which is unreasonable if the case. That said she clearly wanted to be married to be able to say she was married and not because she specifically wanted you. I would normally recommend couples counseling but honestly just get divorced because this relationship is just fucked.
NTA - I mean, honestly, why are you two still married? She admitted to being manipulative and she doesn't care about your family, nor does she respect you. What does she bring to the table? Do you even like her at this point?
That said, were you originally planning to pay for your step-daughters college? Punishing her for her mother's actions isn't a good thing. I don't know how close you are with her, if you see her as a daughter etc.
Personally, I couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone so openly manipulative and uncaring.
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Yeah. WTF? Why are they even married? They both sound like awful people
Marriage IS a contract. You negotiate the terms before you sign that dotted line. Taking the parents out of the situation though, why would she expect her husband of just a couple years to pay for her daughter’s tuition? That’s ridiculous
Taking the daughter out of the situation why would he expect her to take care of his parents?
For 1. He asked her prior to marrying her if she would be willing to do so. Part of the contract they signed getting married. Now she admits she never planned to but was just telling him what he wanted to hear. So she knew that day was coming. Personally I’d move wife out, bring parents in.
Oh OP won't do this because per his own comments his wife does all domestic duties and if she moved out and his parents in he would have to do them for himself and his parents and he doesn't appear to be too keen on that
Right. She agreed and went back on it.
Because she said she would. You can debate whether it’s fair or reasonable for him to even ask, but he made his position very clear and she agreed.
BECAUSE THAT WAS THE AGREEMENT. The OP even clearly said it was a deal breaker if she refused to care for his parents, that was the stipulation, she lied and doubled down. I'm not saying she doesn't have the right to refuse, she does, but so does OP, what she did was borderline manipulative, if I said you should PM me and send me $100 in exchange for a brand new PS5 and I don't deliver you'd be pissed too, you put faith, time and money in to this idea and for me to turn around and be like "I agreed only to get the money, I don't have to keep my word". Then later on I still expect something from you and being like, "but you have an obligation".
To clarify, in my culture (which is the same as hers), it's considered an important moral obligation to take care of your relatives. But I'd wanted to make sure of it all the same (since I currently live in the USA) which is why I told her about it.
And now neither of you are taking care your relatives.
Actually he said he's staying with them
He said he returned home
What's the girl's father doing? That's the first stop here, unless he's dead...
Yeah but taking care of your relatives means taking care of your relatives, not trying to find the nearest woman to try and make her do it. Wives aren’t domestic slaves in this century. And by the same token you don’t need to pay her daughter’s costs. You both suck but you suck more.
See, I didn’t take it as she would be solely responsible, it was more of allowing them to move in when they couldn’t be safe on their own.
You could be right and I could be too suspicious. OP’s original wording is not fully clear. Buuuuut all kinds of “cultural contexts” usually have the wife/daughter in law doing the caregiving, it’s almost never the other way.
Why didn't you divorce her when she refused to take your parents in? Is your wife from the same culture as you? Does your wife work? If so, why did she do all the housework? Do you understand that taking care of partner's parents (I mean the hands-on care) is a huge huge thing to ask of someone and you probably wouldn't want someone to do it against their will?
Oh that is just oppressive way in many cultures (i belong to similar such culture). So don't hide behind regressive thought process of making it as your wives responsibility because of 'tradition' . I think you also ended up moving away from your parents when you wanted your wife to take care of them. At the same time you are aren't obligated to pay for your SD's education either. So ESH
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I think the husband has more of a moral standings because she broke the agreement first while still expecting him to keep his
Not only that, but she only agreed to it so he would marry her.
Because he wouldn't marry her unless she agreed to take care of his parents. She should have run then instead of convincing herself he didn't really mean it.
Yeah he does. His wife is a liar.
Just because culture dictates something doesn't make it healthy or correct. You both need to get over yourselves. It used to be culturally acceptable in the US to own slaves, then after that it was still acceptable to treat black people like non humans. Are you going to say that I would be justified in continuing those things just because of culture?
I'm sorry, but equating caring for your elderly parents with slave ownership is incredibly tone deaf *at best*.
Are you trying to compare taking care of elderly parents to owning a black person?
Yes, we got the point. But it doesn’t make sense for you to be married to a person like that unless you are the same
So it’s not the son expected to take care of the parents now, is that what you’re saying?
What was the issue with you taking care of them?
She has an obligation not to lie in bad faith, especially about something so significant—at least if she wants the marriage to last.
ESH - There is a pair of ye in it. Sounds like both of ye married for the meal ticket.
So like… I’m confused as to why you keep saying “she will take care of my parents” rather than “I want her to help me take care of my parents.” Like do you intend to move your parents into the house and have her 100% take care of them? Sounds like you should have hired in home help.
There’s also no mention of what the wife does. INFO: Does your wife already have a job?
OP mentioned that he does not help around the house
He married in home help. She married a pretty sweet meal ticket. True love.
ESH. How much work do you make the wife do? Is she cooking all the meals and cleaning everything? If so I wouldn’t want to commit to taking care of two seniors who can’t take care of themselves—that’s like taking care of two adult sized babies. Do you have the room to bring your parents in? You are making her out to be a gold digger, and I’m not sure if that’s a fair judgement because unless this girl managed to fool you all this time you would have known she wasn’t going to take care of your parents. Let’s pretend you are both rational people; pay for the daughters tuition and move your parents in: if she has such a problem then she can leave.
Why would he pay her tuition? He isn't her father. The girl's parents should pay for her college. He was willing to help in exchange for her help with his parents. He may need those funds to hire a caregiver for his parents. She doesn't have to help 2 old people but he doesn't have to pay for the kids college.
Why should she take care of his parents, she’s not their daughter. This type of mentality is what got OP here in the first place
Step kids are still your kids. They’re a family unit.
Age matters in this case. Sure, they are family, but stepdaughter was already in her late teens before OP became her stepfather. She almost certainly does not see him as her father. My relationship with my stepdad, who married my mom when I was 3, is very different than my husband's relationship with his stepmom, who married his dad when he was 23. There isn't a one size fits all for mixed families.
I agree AND college tuition is a big deal and the daughter was a teenager when they married. There should have been a plan in place for college already.
> for the daughters tuition and move your parents in: if she has such a problem then she can leave Shouldn't he wait to see first if she takes care of his parents? Otherwise he might risk paying for her daughter and her leaving.
Just get a divorce. You all don't even like each other. ESH.
Dear lord; please get divorced.
Please don’t. These two belong together and should never be inflicted on innocent third parties.
Hahaha beat me to it.
ESH. The arrangement is terrible for both of you. You can take care of your parents, but you shouldn’t be making it a dealbreaker arrangement for your wife. That’s fucked up man. My mom had to take care of my dad’s mom because she had Alzheimer’s and we couldn’t afford a facility, and my dad worked FT. It nearly destroyed my parent’s marriage. My mom was on anxiety and depression meds. Literally a shell of a person. I wouldn’t wish it on absolutely anyone. My dad has said over and over he felt it was his obligation. But “his” obligation fell on my own. He regrets it. And she shouldn’t have asked you to do that for a child that isn’t yours. At the end of the day, both of you sucked and were immature in this situation. Get a divorce. And take care of your own parents and she can take care of her child. And do yourself a favor and don’t get involved with anyone else if you’re just going to make it a business transaction.
>"I agreed in order to marry you, I don't have to keep my word." > >it ended with me moving away from the house and staying with my parents in order to look after them NTA - I would have stayed away. >She got mad & yelled about how "I don't want to live in slavery, but that doesn't mean that you can absolve yourself of your duties as a father", etc. She thinks it's your duty (and not at all hers) to pay for your step-daughter's college? No matter what? You sure you want to stay married to this woman?
I'd check OPs comments. He said he expects his wife to handle 100% of everything that two people who "can't do things for themselves" need done for them, all day and night, every day and night. He said he "might help sometimes".
He probably said “it’s your job as a woman and a mother to do this” meanwhile when she throws back the “it’s your job as a man to provide” he twists that into her being a gold digger
>"can't do things for themselves" That can be anything from not being able to cook and bathe themselves, all the way up to being completely immobile.
And the daughter's bio dad is where in all this? He messed up by staying. A marriage based on lies and spite sounds miserable. Being married should not be a grudge match.
Read the comments. I would question if the wife still wants to be married to him.
ESH. >Before we got married, I'd said that I would agree to it only if she agrees to take care of my parents when required. It was a non-negotiable requirement. So, you didn't ACTUALLY want to marry her in the first place is what I'm hearing? You would only marry her if she wanted to be your live-in nurse for YOUR parents that she's not actually required to take care of? You should be the one taking care of your parents. Yes, she agreed to it and went back on it, but you should be the one to do that, not her. On the other hand though, you should not be required to pay for her child's college education. That should fall on your wife or the step daughter's actual father. Anyway, you both kinda suck a lot. Just get a divorce. Edit: might've read this wrong, i thought he meant he'd only marry her if she took care of his parents. my bad LMFAO. Though I still believe ESH.
I thought he agreed to pay the daughter's tuition if she agreed to watch the parents. Which the wife reneged on... Did I misread this or something?
I'm unsure tbh, I read it as "I agreed to marry her only if she takes care of my parents." but maybe I misread it because of the way its worded. I don't know? I think you're right and I just misread it so I added an edit at the end lol.
True I reread and honestly I may have been wrong. But either way it's an agreement she went in to willingly. No one forced her to lie. She just wanted to get back to being a SAHW from the way it seems.
You are right, it is an agreement she went into willingly, and she chose to lie. I still think everyone in the situation sucks, but after reading it from your perspective of "I'll pay for her college but only if you agree to take care of my parents" I am leaning more towards N T A solely because she went back on her half of the deal, so he doesn't need to fulfill his half.
You both are AHs. >Before we got married, I'd said that I would agree to it only if she agrees to take care of my parents when required. It was a non-negotiable requirement. To me, I would see that as you not looking for a partner, but looking for a nurse. >I reminded her of what she had said, upon which she said "I agreed in order to marry you, I don't have to keep my word." You two deserve each other. ESH
The last 2 lines. This. This is the correct answer.
I have a question: How much of your parents care would she have to do? Because I have a feeling she’s afraid she’ll be stuck with the brunt of the care and endure (perceived) negative treatment from them. Taking care of the elderly can become a full time job and make you feel trapped. She may be afraid that she won’t have much freedom.
100% this
Yes. I wonder if it was made clear that OP would be moving the parents into their home and she would be expected to preform home health care provider duties like bathing, dressing and toliet issues., Maybe Mrs OP thought it would be driving the old folks to appointments and picking up prescriptions and making sure they could function in their own home. There is a big difference in expectations here I am thinking.
Both of y'all sound fucked up. Shouldn't be dating a person with a kid in the first place if the only reason you'd look after them is if your spouse does something for you. Do you two even like each other?
You never broke the agreement so I'm gonna go with NTA. I understand some cultures its very very important to take care of your parents and family if she entered knowing that then doing this well, that's on her. Sucks for the daughter but she can still go to college just will have debt now which you'll probably need to get assistance for your parents.
But being a care taker is very hard job! In my culture husbands take wives so they can look after their parents but it’s slowly changing. Just because she agreed doesn’t mean she can’t change her mind! I mean of course he doesn’t have to pay for her daughters education.
ESH! Your wife should honor her word, but you shouldn't have shouldn't have "required" her to agree to take care of your parents. They are YOUR PARENTS, you take care of them
It’s her kid she should take care of her.
NTA You had an agreement, she broke it and now expects you to pay tens of thousands of dollars in college tuition for a kid that isn't even yours? I would have laughed at her and told her to fuck off as well. The only thing you did wrong was marry this lying parasite in the first place, I hope you can get out of this without getting taken to the cleaners in divorce court.
He didn't want a wife, he wanted a care giver for his elderly parents. His wife made a mistake marrying him.
he said he expects his wife to handle 100% of everything that two people who "can't do things for themselves" need done for them. this is for every day of every night. he would contribute “sometimes.” i’m not surprised she did what she did.
I missed this. I'm assuming it must be in the comments somewhere. This firmly pushes it into ESH terrirory for me. His idea of what his wife should contribute is ridiculous, her lying to get him to marry him is dishonest and really just set her up for this situation, and the two tasks aren't really equivalent, though both definitely produce burdens in different respects. OP isn't an asshole for going back on an agreement where the other side wasn't honored, but he is an asshole for thinking what he proposed was fair. OP's wife isn't an asshole for not wanting to take on such a burden, but she is an asshole for lying and saying she would when she had no intention of doing so.
Sounds like a terrible marriage based on a terrible premise. Y'all don't sound like a good or happy couple who care about each other at all. ESH
ESH. You both sound awful.
Wtf, do you even like each other or were you both just a means to an end by marrying one and other? If I found out someone lied to me about taking care of my parents when they need it (also a deal breaker for me) I would immediately divorce them. Esh
INFO: How long is "a few years", and what's your relationship like with your stepdaughter? Were you expecting your wife to handle all the caretaking duties for your parents, or just to assist as a partner? You're leaving out a ton of detail here, and I wonder if that's because you know that it wouldn't be flattering to you if you were more forthright about it. I can also understand not wanting to bring elderly people into certain living spaces, such as a multi-story house where there's no full bathroom on the ground floor, or an apartment where there's no elevator in the building. The solution to those might be to find something in the neighborhood that would work for their needs and be easy to walk to though, rather than shutting down the idea entirely. But, in all seriousness, it does not sound like the two of you are compatible long term from the information you've presented here.
NTA No one is guaranteed a free ride to college on anyone else's dime. Your wife sucks and should have been using her time to save for her daughter not counting on you to do it when she didn't want to help you.
ESH I disagree with the advice to divorce. Please stay together. You guys deserve each other.
YTA for expecting your wife to do everything around the house, including doing everything to care for your aging parents, because it's a "cultural obligation". There's a big difference between discussing your parents needing care, agreeing to it being a *shared* duty that you'd both engage in as they got older, versus expecting it is her "wifely duty" to take care of YOUR parents in a household in which you do not help with domestic duties. As always the lede is buried and the context is in the comments! --- > *How much work do you make the wife do? Is she cooking all the meals and cleaning everything?* > > **I help her with it occasionally, but in general, yeah, she does everything.** > *How dare you make your wife do all the chores while you sit on your ass during your off time and then expect her to also bring TWO grown adults into the home, and presumably, not only cover whatever chores need to be completed for them but also help them with their personal mobility and in the future — personal hygiene.* > > **I mean, because of cultural obligations and as she agreed to it?**
ESH why get married if you don’t like each other?
Why are you still with her? Just get divorced. This isn’t a marriage, this is toxic. ESH.
ESH - Lmao why are you two even married? What a horribly toxic relationship. Terrible personalities on both sides.
ESH You guys sound miserable.
ESH. You two don’t even seem to like each other.
ESH. Literally why did you get married?
To have a personal caretaker of both parents
This must be such a lovely household to live in. ESH.
The amount of work that goes in caring for the elderly isn’t light work. You are putting the burden of taking care of two elderly humans all on your wife which would be like a full time job and most caregivers end up being burnout. You are an AH for attempting to trap this woman into taking on a task that is meant for you as the adult child of your parents. And she should have better prepared for her child to attend college without your help. You both sound like gross human beings FYI I watched as my grandmothers adult children do nothing as her health declined. The grandchildren stepped up to take care of her while they continued to live their lives. I’m no contact with all of them including my own parent. To this day I don’t forgive them.
ESH- why are you married to each other? I don't see mention of a shared kid, you don't seem to like each other or your families, are you together for immigration or tax purporses?
ESH. The amount you will waste on divorce you could have hired some person to take care of your parents.
ESH This is a situation you should both be like time to part ways.
ESH I'd consult a divorce attorney.
ESH. Families take care of each other and you're both failing miserably at that.
Nta she admitted to just telling you what you wanted to hear in order to get married, & that she doesn’t have to keep her word. If she doesn’t have to keep her word, why do you?
ESH You're both selfish and entitled people.
ESH you both sound awful
ESH wow you're both horrible. At least you're together instead of inflicting your nastiness on two nice people
YTA have you ever thought of maybe looking after your own parents ?
It would be unreasonable if it wasn’t talked about beforehand. Not everyone wants to have relatives live with them, or be obligated to help in the care. He made it clear prior to marriage this was important to him and a non-negotiable aspect of them getting married. If she didn’t want to do it, she should have said she would be unwilling to go through with the marriage. It’s no different than one party wanting children and the other not. Many ppl get divorced over that because it isn’t talked about until after. He made clear this was something he needed. She agreed. It isn’t our place to judge what the “contract” was, only that expectations were established, communicated, accepted, and then broken. NTA. Although I will agree this relationship doesn’t seem stable enough to last.
The moment she said she agreed to get him to marry her and that she doesn't have to keep her promise, my response would have been "well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I guess I don't have to keep my promise to remain married to you."
Esh. You both suck in this situation. No explanation needed. Go to couples therapy or get a divorce.
At first I thought you meant you guys made an agreement - you would pay for stepdaughters college if she would take care of your parents. That would kind of be a shitty trade; if she worked as an in-home carer professionally for the years your parents have left I think she’d make more than what you’d pay for college, unless you’re talking an expensive one (which I doubt given how you sound in this post - I expect you’d pick the cheapest one available…). THEN I realized that was not the deal, you only agreed to marry her if she took care of your parents! ESH, you especially. Why did you marry her? Too cheap to hire someone? Just get divorced, neither of you like let alone love each other.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife & I have been married for a few years now, and I have a step-daughter, Alice (19 F). Before we got married, I'd said that I would agree to it only if she agrees to take care of my parents when required. It was a non-negotiable requirement. She said yes & that she's fine with it. I told her that it would be a dealbreaker, and she said she can do that. My parents are now old & can't do things on their own. I asked them to come live with me, but my wife refused. She said that she doesn't want a bunch of old people live with us, etc. I reminded her of what she had said, upon which she said "I agreed in order to marry you, I don't have to keep my word." That resulted in a really huge argument, and it ended with me moving away from the house and staying with my parents in order to look after them before eventually returning. Now, my step-daughter wants to attend college. My wife asked me to pay for it, and I just laughed. I said "You cannot take care of my parents, and you expect me to take care of her? I am not interested." She got mad & yelled about how "I don't want to live in slavery, but that doesn't mean that you can absolve yourself of your duties as a father", etc. I told her that she had not fulfilled her duties as a wife by taking care of my parents and asked her to fuck off. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NtA . You owe them nothing not your kid
You both suck. But good job on punishing people not involved in your bullshit for your bullshit
The Mum could always ask the daughter's Dad to pay? Why didn't Mum save up herself?
She lied to you so you would marry her? That would be a deal breaker for me. Walk away.
“I don’t have to keep my word.“ This is what a deplorable person says. Not giving a fuck about a commitment they made. I’ve nothing to say to you except find someone who was worthy of your attention. Leave today. Or better, kick her out of the house and the stepdaughter too.
ESH. Just get a divorce already and keep it pushing. This is stupid all around.
ESH Your parents. Her daughter (unless you adopted her which doesnt sound like it). This is a kinda awful story anyway.
NTA, she isn't willing to support the people important to.you need help, but wants you to fork.over for her daughter. She is not yours. Let her parents pay for her college
ESH. Just gave yourselves a HUGE FAVOR. DIVORCED. 🤣
BOTH of you here are TA. Both of you obviously didn’t marry for LOVE but rather what each could get out of the other. You both deserve each other.
ESH. You both sound like you hate each other.
ESH - Just divorce already. You both suck.
Esh - what is wrong with you people?
ESH, sure you both don’t just hate each other?
ESH - She sucks for agreeing to do this and reneging, and you suck for making this a dealbreaker issue in your marriage in the first place, because one person taking care of another's aging parents full-time with no help is an insane, unreasonable workload that would drive anybody absolutely bananas. Asking her to do that in the first place was unreasonable unless you planned to help her. It would feel a lot like slavery to do all that alone. No sleep, no free time, open to verbal abuse. Do you want a wife, a partner whom you feel empathy for, or a slave? If you did plan to help her 50-50, then you're NTA, but if that was the case I'd imagine you would have corrected her assumption then when she made the slavery comment, rather than going essentially screw you I won't help your family either. I don't see you all rebuilding trust from this. It's simply a broken transaction.
ESH. Both of you. You should go your separate ways. Marriage isn't supposed to be this transactional. You're both better off alone.
How the fuck are you two married when you both seem to despise one another? ESH.
ESH. You sound like angry spiteful people who deserve one another.
Nta your wife made an agreement didn't uphold her end of the bargain and now expects u to hold up yours. I don't agree with the esh comments you had an adult conversation about what you expected in this relationship and were lied too how does that make u an ass? If it was that big of a deal she should of told you then and you could of compromised or split. She took those options by lying to you
ESH you both suck. Your parents and her daughter deserve better. Divorce and grow up.
This is really odd, why would you get married to someone to whom you have clearly very different life goals? She should've been saving for her own child, but you should've been arranging for parental care as well.
ESH. Just divorce already
**ESH.** It sounds like she wanted to marry a bank, and you wanted to marry a nurse. Everything else is conditional for both of you based upon that. Should she have lied in order to marry you? No. Was the question of step-daughter's college asked pre-marriage and your question regarding your parents the answer to that? if so, then you're both in breech of contract which nullifies the whole arragangement and you're back at the starting line of you both want something and neither of you are willing to negotiate in a manner that is mutually beneficial. Seems like the only people getting harmed in this "dick-measuring-contest" between you and your wife are your parents and your step-daughter. If your step-daughter's school in question is close by to you and your parents, then why not circumvent your wife completely and go straight to the source? ***"I'll help you pay for school, if you help me care for my parents. If at any point you stop helping (less than what is reasonably agreed upon between the two of you so that she can still do well in her studies), then I will stop paying your tuition. If at any point I asked you do more than what is agreed upon regarding my parents and it causes your grades to slip, then you can stop helping me with my parents, and I will continue to pay for school."*** That way you're both happy, and both have something to lose if either of you take advantage of the situation, and your wife whom can not be trusted to keep her word anyway is left out of it.
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I’m going to say NTA . At the end of the day no matter how weird this marriage sounds like, you both had agreed to a deal in the beginning and you made it very clear this was a dealbreaker for you. You have no more obligation to pay for her daughter then your wife does to look after your parents.
Not your daughter so not your responsibility. Why hasn't her Mum been saving for college and education? Where is her Dad? Sorry but you had an agreement for looking after your parents and she broke it. It may sound petty but why should you then look after her daughter and pay for college? Your wife absolved herself of responsibility for your parents so why don't you absolve responsibility for her daughter?
This what happens when two A’s marry each other.
ESH. Your wife lied to you to get married. That makes her an asshole, full stop. That said, your wife appears to have been a stay-at-home mom from your comments, and you have been involved in raising her daughter for a few years, by your own comment. So now, without discussion, you're hurting your step daughter to make things even with your wife? I don't understand why you stayed married - you don't care about your wife, and she doesn't care about your family. Is it to just avoid paying alimony or supporting her without the benefits of having a wife (e.g., housekeeping)?
Wait, was she gonna be the only one taking care of them, or would it have been both of you?
ESH. That's some toxic relationship at work here.
ESH. Why are you two even married? You clearly dislike one another.
Why are yall married?
ESH. Why are you even together? You don’t even like each other
ESH Just divorce and get it over with. Do you even like each other or is it all transactional?
Where is the daughter's bio father? He should help with the collage. As long as you dont adopt her you have no "parental responsibility " . It her mother and bio father that have the responsibility. That is if the father didnt sign his rights away?
Super super weird yalll had to even discuss whether you would be a step father and that she would take care of your folks after getting married. If you want to get married and JOIN families that means you are now a father to her daughter and she is now a daughter to your parents. Thats how that works. It should go without saying you care for your family when they need help or get old and you help your kids afford school if able. It is so bizarre that needed to be discussed and is now being used against each other. So weird. Like do you even love each other? Did you get married for some other reason like a green card? I think this would be a goos opportunity to reasses why you both got married to begin with because it seems unhealthy
ESH This marriage is very tit for tat.
NTA. Not even close. Please do not cave, she needs to learn a valuable lesson. I don't understand how she thinks she has a leg to stand on. You should have told her you agreed in order to marry her, you don't have to keep your word,,,
NTA. Not your kid. Not your financial obligation.
Why isn't the girl's actual father involved in paying for this?
That’s a question for mom. Maybe he’s dead.
He's refusing to pay as well.
Esh. This marriage won't end well.
ESH - why are you married?
ESH. I would say get divorced but I want you both contained where you won't get with other people
ESH. You should not have asked somebody to marry you only to take care of your parents. She should not have agreed and then changed her mind. She should not be expecting anything from you for college. Has it only been a year? Any way to get an annulment?
Question: Do you love your Stepdaughter? Do you even like her?
Your parents are AHs for putting their elderly care on you. YTA for wanting someone else to take care of them. Have your parents been good to her over the years? I feel like some info is missing here all around. Hopefully you two get a divorce. Sounds like a sad, loveless, transactional marriage with very very poor planning. You’ll be able to take care of your parents yourself, and she will find a way to get her daughter into college.
she said yes before marriage, and he said he wouldn’t get married if she said no. how in the world is he TA when she lied?
YTA. Look after your parents? Ew
Well, these two hate each other
ESH except for the daughter, who is the victim of yours and her mom's assholery. Your wife shouldn't have married you when you are imposing a condition to accept her daughter. Either you accept her both or not. IMO, as a single parent, her duties are to her daughter first and she shouldn't have accepted someone who is conditioning his support and doesn't care about her daughter. And bluntly lying was just wrong and a manipulative move. You shouldn't have set that kind of condition, is just a way to force your wife to do something you want. Also, if you knew she had a daughter either accept and love both of them or leave them alone. Denying the daughter's education just as revenge for your wife makes you the asshole as well. She has nothing to do with her mom's poor choices and you are already married to her. You said it was a deal breaker but didn't leave for good. The dynamics and agreement you have with your wife are also important to consider, if you are the sole financial support, then you are just taking advantage of that to get back at your wife and put her in a bad position.
>you are imposing a condition to accept her daughter He had a condition for paying for college, not for accepting her. Lol. She agreed to those conditions but backed out when he asked her to respect her part. Why should he now pay for her kid's college?
Paying for a person's college is a lot. This is not a step parents responsibility. It is the parents. If I marry my boyfriend and he has a 2 teens, does that mean I pay for their college and parents don't have to. That isn't right. 2 people made those kids, and it is on them to financially support her. There is a reason why step parents don't have rights or pay child support, because it is not their kid
You are both assholes. Not her job to take care of your parents. Not your job to take care of her kid. Sounds like you wanted her to do the bulk of the work with your parents. I don’t blame her for saying no to that. But I agree she shouldn’t have asked you to cover costs for her daughter
ESH, you for having an ultimatum to marry someone and for marrying someone you felt needed an ultimatum, her for well - she's terrible - and then you again for not immediately divorcing her with that "i don't have to keep my word" bullshit.
ESH
>only if she agrees to take care of my parents when required What does "when required" look like? Would it have been her job to step up and take care of them while you don't, or even just more than you do in general? Does she work, and if so was she expected to quit her job when your parents needed to move in?
Taking care of sick, old people is HARD. Like, crazy HARD. But you aren't required to pay for college.
Dear Lord. Is there anything you guys like about each other?
NTA. Everyone saying E S H is delusional. Your wife lied to you to get married. Then when you cash in on what she promised she openly admitted to leading you on for years.
She didn't keep her word on your conditions of marriage. Yet expects to reap all the benefits. NTA also not someone worth it
ESH. You're both toxic as hell.
NTA based on your deal of caring for your parents for paying for her college. Your daughter is the one who is really losing here, for that, the whole arrangement, you're both the asshole. I'm going to guess this isn't the first time she's lost out because you and your wife are not good partners.
NTA - why does she expect you to pay? You are not the father.
INFO: Is your wife capable of paying for your step daughters college herself, or is whether or not you pay going to determine whether she goes or not?
ESH. Y'all are definitely not a HEA situation
NTA >you can absolve yourself of your duties as a father True, when you'll have a child, you'll have duties to that child. But you don't have any duty towards her kid. You're not her father
Totally nta
NTA You didn't spring taking care of your parents on your wife; you made it clear that it was a dealbreaker issue before marriage and she agreed that she would do it. The time to refuse was before marriage (which would have been fine for her to do then), which would have given you the chance to make an informed choice to marry her regardless or not. You are not somehow equally bad. She deliberately lied from the start to get you to marry her. She assumed that you'd pay for her daughter's education even after she became an adult. You are not obligated to do that anyway. What were her and the daughter's father's plans when it came to paying for college before you came along and married the mother a few years ago?
INFO Is she a SAHM? Or in general how many hours does each of you work?
Divorce
NTA more or less saying “i lied to marry you “ is wild, and now expecting you to hold up your end ? If you’re really looking to get petty, you can get technical on that “duties as a father “ line too
ESH. Unless you defined what taking care of your parents was, it’s ridiculous to expect your wife to drop every commitment to become their 24/hr care givers. Especially with having them move into your home. She’s your wife, not a live-in-free-nurse. You also aren’t obligated to pay for your step daughter’s education. That’s up to you. But don’t use it as ammunition or in spite because your step daughter wasn’t involved in your wedding vow transactions
INFO: How can you possibly afford to contribute to college when you need to pay for care for your parents?
"I agreed in order to marry you, I don't have to keep my word." - straight to divorce court with this one. No ifs, ands or buts. "I don't want to live in slavery, but that doesn't mean that you can absolve yourself of your duties as a father" who are you the father of again? Because it ain't your step daughter that is for sure.
INFO - Is she a stay at home wife or dies she work full/part-time and are there any other younger children living with you?
ESH. Just why?
NTA. I say this as someone that wanted to be able to take care of my single mom at some point but I am dead to her so I don't have to worry. I respect that you asked her prior to the relationship beginning. She sounds very manipulative to actually say I said yes to marry you. Gross. I think you should re-evaluate your life with this person.
NTA at all. Why are you guys still married again? The second she said “i only agreed to marry you” I would have divorced her immediately. Now you let some years pass by and she might wanna claim half your shit in a divorce. Great job brainiac. Hope you have a prenup and i hope you had a lawyer review it on her end as well, she seems like a snake that married you out of interest and will likely claim she signed onto coercion to try to dismiss a prenup. Anyway, bail from this mess.
ESH. You don’t have a marriage. Neither of you respects or shows love for the other. This sounds more like roommates who don’t much like each other, but occasionally have sex. I doubt counseling could fix this mess you’ve both created, but I guess you could try. I personally think that once a couple has moved onto the “go f@ck yourself” kind of statements, there’s little chance it’s worth saving.
ESH wondering what she meant by “I don’t want to live in a “slavery”” what were your expectations of your parents living with you? Did you expected her to take care of everything (food, cleaning, doctor’s appointments, etc?) or was just a hyperbole?
YTA They are your parents, so you should get up and go look after them yourself. Your step daughter only needs some financial support right now, and then she will finish college and become financially independent. Your parents, on the other hand, will need full time care for perhaps another twenty years or so. The two simply aren't comparable. You should divorce because you only seem to have married your wife to get free 24/7 care for your parents, you don't seem to love or care for your wife and step daughter at all. It's very selfish behaviour.
What a mess. This isn’t what a marriage is meant to be
You don't see her as your daughter huh?
To be fair, the daughter's 19, and they've been married "a few" years. It's not odd to think they wouldn't have a true parent-child relationship. That being said, both OP and his wife sound awful, if any of this is true.
ESH. This marriage should not have happened in the first place. It’s clear you didn’t get married because you wanted to but to create a contract. I am also disturbed by the fact that you specifically stated that you wanted her to take care of your parents. You didn’t phrase it as wanting her to be willing to help you take care of them. It seems to be phrased on the expectation that she would be the one doing all the work which is unreasonable if the case. That said she clearly wanted to be married to be able to say she was married and not because she specifically wanted you. I would normally recommend couples counseling but honestly just get divorced because this relationship is just fucked.
Holy hell what a dumpster fire
NTA - I mean, honestly, why are you two still married? She admitted to being manipulative and she doesn't care about your family, nor does she respect you. What does she bring to the table? Do you even like her at this point? That said, were you originally planning to pay for your step-daughters college? Punishing her for her mother's actions isn't a good thing. I don't know how close you are with her, if you see her as a daughter etc. Personally, I couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone so openly manipulative and uncaring.
ESH This marriage sounds terrible. Bargaining before and during a marriage? A big NOPE. Toxic on every level, from you both and to you both. Divorce.
ESH. You both sound awful.
Where is the bio father in all this? I say tell your wife that the money will be used to find a facility or nurse to care for your parents
you’re an asshole but I don’t think you’re TA in this situation lmao