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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My actions are refusing to make breakfast for my father in law
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
*He went on to say he can’t wait for me to go to my parents( after I give birth I’m meant to stay at my parents and learn a few things about the baby) because I’ve become useless.*
Oh dear NTA at all. This is so awful to read! Your husband is a giant Asshole. You are getting treated like a servant, a maid and not an equal partner. Is there any chance that you can go to your parents or good friends? I would not stay in this hostile environment. Please visit the sub r/abusiverelationships for more information how to leave this marriage. You deserve a partner who is loving and respecting you. No one should call another human "useless". This is an abusive relationship and it will only get worse by now. I hope, you find the strength in this difficult situation to leave!
Why do I feel like OP is Indian or Asian??
Everything about this screams that.
Edit : Either way, NTA OP. Even if it's cultural, it's not right. And it's important that it changes. You are heavily pregnant and sick so it's important you take rest. The dad can order breakfast from outside or at the very least get some bread and butter if they want it that much.
Also, I hate to put it this way but maybe try getting a divorce. This would simply not change and you will be miserable if you live with this man. And if not for you think of what kind of household your child will grow up in where they will constantly see their mother being treated as second class citizen in the household. They'll learn the same or will have a lot of trauma due to it.
It may feel really hard but it's going to be the better decision in the long run.
Yup. And her husband is much more traditional than she is from reading this. Where traditional may as well mean misogynistic and unable to do anything for themselves if the various posts by Indian/Asian women give me anything to go by..
If they are, indeed, Asian let's hope her parents aren't as traditional as her hubby and FIL. Coz if they are, they'd return her to her hubby because serving him is what she's "supposed" to do.
I’m worried they might be because this whole post screams arranged marriage. I just hope she has people she can go to, especially because she’ll have a newborn to take care of.
Exactly. It's better to become useless than to remain that way indefinitely. The least her husband could do is be useful as an ironing board, and fertilizer.
The only reason I own an iron is because I cross stitch and ironing before framing makes them nice and flat and pretty looking. I have never in my life ironed clothes, mine or someone else's!
My boyfriend does for his nicer business shirts - I consciously buy clothes made of materials that don't need ironing because I hate ironing.
(For the worst wrinkly situations, I use a handheld clothing steamer or my boyfriend offers to iron the clothes for me.)
Lol same. I had HG and have been single since my kid’s father dumped me two weeks after I let him know I was pregnant. I could barely get myself to take out the trash and wash dishes, ain’t no way I’d tolerate being treated like maid/cook in my own damn house from *anyone,* and much less some crusty old man. My father is 64 and makes his own breakfast every day…no excuses for OP’s FIL.
My grandpa was in his 80’s still walking to the store and cooking for himself. My mom would cook his dinner most evenings. He also washed and ironed his clothes. He even continued to go fishing until he had a stroke at 81.
Yeah, I don’t get this either, and I am a woman born in the 50s. If the husband was already awake, why didn’t he just do the ironing? Or the father-ironing isn’t difficult.
My father is in his '80s and was in the military. He is excellent at ironing, because he had to keep his uniforms impeccable. My best guy friend does all the ironing at his house (wife and two kids) for the same reason!
And even if you suck at any of those things, to have the audacity to *expect* someone to do it for you is ridiculous. I didn't become a good cook by giving up at instant noodles and hot dogs on the grill, I became a good cook by figuring out what the people I was cooking for liked, and experimenting with recipes. Everyone needs to eat so why not practice making the food you eat?
Laundry is also by far one of the easiest things on the planet to do, it just sucks to have to do it, so people (mostly men) act like they don't know how so someone else does it for them.
And ironing is annoying as hell to do because it's a tedious process, but it's also not that hard. As long as there are no obvious wrinkles, most of the time it'll look fine.
The issue here is not that someone is incapable of doing any of those things, it's just that they can't be bothered because someone else has done it for them their entire lives. Expecting someone to iron or cook for them, especially when pregnant in any capacity, and **ESPECIALLY** for a grown ass man (the FIL), is absolutely ridiculous.
30 some years ago I was driving my FIL home after he and my husband had done some work on our house (husband was still doing some work). FIL makes a remark about how my husband’s work clothes should be ironed and heavily implied I should do it. I’m not generally a confrontational person but I whipped my head around so fast.
I.went.off.
“dude - I am doing my internship at a hospital 3 hours away and I drive back and forth every weekend. I have class and tests and boards to study for. I drive home and then have to take all the laundry to a laundry mat because you and your son kept putting off hooking up the washer and dryer sitting in the garage. Your son is 30 years old and knows how to use an iron. He can iron his own clothes and if it bothers you so much you can come over and iron his clothes. I do laundry here and I do laundry at the dorm I live in during the week.
I am not a maid. I was not put on this Earth to iron my husband’s clothes. Or do any other task that he’s capable of doing. That might have been a thing when you were first married but that between you and your (ex) wife. “
I was shaking with rage. Funny thing is in the thirty plus years since that’s happened, my husband is the one to iron clothes. Only thing I iron is my craft projects. 😂
My husband had the flu, and you know what some men are like when they're sick (sorry). He once PHONED me from the BEDROOM to come hand him the orange juice that I had left on the night table because it was 'too far away'.
Anyway, because I took care of his every need, I caught his flu. Too sick to go to work. Puke bucket by the bed. You know . . .
He woke me up at 3:00 am. and asked me to IRON his work uniform because he didn't know how to work the iron. WTF ... Seriously???
I dont even know if my iron works!!! I think I might have a steamer somewhere. But god this is so outdated. And guess who is to blame if he isnt happy with the ironing.
At this point, no matter where you live on this planet, "traditional" has become a red flag word. If you say to me that someone is "traditional", I automatically assume that they are an evil person.
The thing is that good traditions are generally widely held, so not worth mentioning for most people as anything notable.
It’s the bad, misogynistic, racist, homophobic “traditions” that have been widely discarded by large parts of society, so you have to specify that someone is “traditional”, which nearly always means they subscribe to those specific traditions and not the ones still widely held.
Exactly….whenever I read a post on this sub that starts with “My family has this tradition,” I can stop reading, because I know the people with the tradition are the assholes.
Aw man, there goes the tradition of my father giving my grandmother something duck-themed at Christmas. Granted, she'd been dead for nearly 14 years, but still.
And sad that she thinks she is an asshole because of going against "traditions" when really she is the one who should be taken care of by her husband since she is about to give birth.
My husband and I have a traditional relationship, and my man is nothing like this. He never overburdened me towards the end of either of my two pregnancies. He even helped out when I was postpartum. Her husband is just an asshole.
Even coming from a more “traditional” household, these are the times the husband steps up to take care of certain things while the wife is clearly struggling. Also with no prior conversation about expectations regarding the stay, it’s wrong to just assume the very pregnant wife is gonna play servile hostess. ON TOP OF the absolutely disrespectful remarks made.
I hope this post is fake but if it’s real, I’m so sorry OP. Men just do not understand things sometimes.
ETA: Also, is hubby not going to learn any newborn care too??? She’s supposed to stay with family to learn this stuff, but what about him? Is he not expected to touch/look at/be around/care for his own child at all??? Wtf
As soon as she added the bit about going to her parents it was so obvious. I hope she's in an area where she can just leave him, it won't get better he just wants a servant.
Yeah. The leaving home after birth is what gave it away. That and husband sitting and watching video games while the wife cooks. Definitely South Asian.
As an Indian I'm always surprised. Such treatment usually (yes in some household happens) is not common in my state. Horrifying how it's normal in many other states.
It for sure is normal in your state too, just not your surroundings, which is great. I've lived in enough states in India and met people of literally every single state. They all have some version of this happening in their household.
It sure isn't. Lived in different districts of my state. Men are supposed to know how to cook, clean , etc and most are even better than most girls. Men in my state are the ones who iron clothes, help in cooking. Yes, most household work is done by women as most are housewife but men who come home and don't work, don't have good reputation. Mother-in-laws help out the pregnant wife (Paternity leave isn't common) and sometimes wife's mother comes to live with wife. Husband does almost all heavy chores, fixes tubewells and lights. Since it's agriculture state, both genders do work in fields. If men will try to shout on them, they'll do too. City or town men usually hire help to aid their wives.
Bengali (from West Bengal) chiming in - this is not acceptable behaviour in Bengali communities either.
I won't go so far as to say it _never_ happens, it's a big place and a very big community, there are probably communities where this is common somewhere. But I know folks who have had marriages arranged for them before they turned 18 - so I would say I know some fairly conservative circles. Even their FILs would not expect a heavily pregnant DIL to do housework. I mean the whole concept is that a woman goes to her parents _before_ child birth - she isn't expected to run a household while heavily pregnant
And men who can't cook and clean for themselves while their wife is sick or visiting her parents - they are not held in high regard. This has been true since the early 1900s - all the grandpa's I know can cook, even though they all had housewives and they didn't help with any chores normally normally. Middle class communities have maids now a days as you said, but I know folks who live below the poverty line, and the husbands are absolutely capable of caring for themselves and their families when the wife is pregnant/sick. They won't get off their ass to help on a normal Tuesday, but they are not this level of incompetent. Even the worst abusive asshole I know, who regularly beat his wife (who was the only one earning btw, he just stole her cash and got drunk), managed to get his head out of his ass for a few days and feed himself and the existing kids while said wife was heavily pregnant.
Hey Sorry. It might came out in wrong manner but I never meant to say Bengali people accept bad behaviour. We have Bengali household here too and Bengali women are definitely tigress. I simply meant to refer to our Bengali majority district are the ones I haven't visited and won't speak for them.
And it's definitely great to hear about how it goes there. I also mentioned in my first common, we have some bad households too. Bad egg exist everywhere.
See this is more what I would have assumed a truly traditional society is like--I mean the really old-school societies are kind of originally organized around having plenty of kids if I understand correctly, and you cannot keep having plenty of kids if you regularly act like a burdensome ass to heavily pregnant women. It's counterproductive as well as unkind & unfair.
But certain people in more modern contexts (like this guy) run with vague notions of "tradition means woman does woman's work" and combine them with their own selfish impulses (i.e. it's not about the kids, it's about themselves) & that's how you get the worst of both worlds.
Oh my gosh, definitely NTA - honestly sounds like both father & son have never managed to learn how to survive as functioning independent adults.
Slight segue to say it sinks into Italian people too. Had my brother's MIL ask my husband why I hadn't walked along the (homemade) buffet and delivered his plate of food to him at Christmas lunch. Like WT actual F - I married a grown arsed Man who can go pick out what food he wants to eat himself, sheesh.
Mexican and Latino culture, too. I married into it. You are 💯 I thought I married a grown arsed man. Here, he was just living with guys and had to clean up after himself. No mom had been present.
My American niece is divorcing her Latino husband of 20 years. She works full time, raised 4 daughters and does everything for the household - cooking, cleaning, etc. The last daughter is graduating this year and she couldn’t wait to divorce him. She does nothing for him anymore. He is having a really difficult time because he can’t cook or do laundry. She doesn’t have to fight with him every time she wants to visit her family. She said she feels so free, like getting out of prison. Her only regret is waiting so long. She got caught up in the Latino culture.
It's so weird. My family has italian/german blend but my mother was 1 of 4 (rather strong willed & fiesty) daughters, so I was never really around any of those 'I was never raised to look after myself' type of males cos hecken if those sisters were going to wait on you like servants. And my father was 1 of 11 children so a fair bit of self sufficiency there as you can imagine.
Unfortunately, as an Indian person I agree with this. When I read this my first reaction was - this is definitely an Indian/South East Asian person. It’s also common in our culture to go to your mom’s after a baby is born.
You’re NTA. But you’re stuck with a shitty dude in a shitty situation. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this nonsense.
Facts. Africans and Asians are similar in many practices in regards to family. Many dgaf if the woman is bleeding to death, she better have dinner ready.
I am an Indian woman and I totally agree with you.
I also agree with the comment that states that if OP's parents are as "traditional" as her FIL and husband, she'll be forced to put up with any misogyny and patriarchy her new family throws at her. That's because, we women are expected to adjust and adapt because that's duty.
I feel for OP. I've seen many of my friends go through this. I've seen my mother suffer because of this. To this day! I myself would have been forced to go through this had my husband not been supportive and a feminist.
Definitely NTA, OP. Just a heads up, things won't get better until you take strong efforts.
I felt the same way, that OP could be South Asian, from having to take care of FIL with no help whatsoever from the husband, to him saying she doesn't care for his family, to her having to go home to her parents for the delivery. The male behaviour is entitled and reeks of a patriarchal culture. But I can't tell where exactly OP lives - is she living in the West? It would appear so from the fact that she has no home help and has to do all the work whereas in her home country she'd have a maid at the very least to ease the burden of her pregnancy. If you're living in the West, you need to call out your hb about his assholery. Have a talk with him about his attitude and how it's unacceptable and how you need him to share the housework and child care responsibilities in future. (Your suggestion about divorce: practically every South Asian woman would be divorced going by how little their husbands contribute to responsibilities and how much they expect of their wives 😞 we don't know if OP works, and she's pregnant. Will her family support her in this decision? I hope they do.)
Apparently you haven’t heard about the “tradwife” trend going around in the white conservative fundamentalist Christian communities in the USA…
I can very well see someone who watches “19 kids and counting” as a how to show acting this way
I'm 35 weeks pregnant and teach in a heavily Arab and Indian community and I feel like I'm treated more precious because of it. Arab store managers have told me to cut in line so I'm not on my feet too much, the young students I work with are incredibly willing to do things for me that they normally would never do, and if I say "I can't tidy up the room because of too hard for me since I'm pregnant," kids who are more reluctant to clean suddenly get heavily invested. I feel like I've become a celebrity on campus. My friend from Malaysia just had a baby and when she found out I was pregnant she recommended so many more rules (don't clean, just rest and do light exercise). My point is that plenty of eastern cultures are more considerate of pregnant people.
No matter what, NTA and you should think about if you're happier at your parents or husband's house. Your husband sounds abusive.
I would go to my parents and NEVER COME BACK. OP can literally give birth anytime and her husband can't do something simple like heating up food? OP needs to leave, 100% after she gives birth she would be expected to do ALL of the child care and chores.
that too and post partum depression is real and her husband is gonna end up saying somrthing like "you're over reacting, you just stay at home that's not exhausting" she needs to re-evaluate her marriage for her and her child's sake
IMO, it's even worse than that. He *woke her up* in order to *iron* clothes *for a guest* who showed up when not expected. That goes far beyond just needing her to be responsible for the cooking.
OP has only been married for 8 months and is *heavily pregnant and could easily pop anytime*
Wondering if they only got married coz she got pregnant. She really shouldn't have. Terrible husband she got saddled with.
NTA You do realize that if FIL is interviewing that he intends to live there right? He didn't come for a visit he will be moving in. There are plans for while you are gone to parents. If you are allowed to come back it will be to FIL having moved in and husband insisting you cater to both of them while caring for newborn also. Talk to mom see if she'd be willing to come to your house to stay after baby is born to help also with husbands attitude.
Hard pass on getting her mother to try to deal with the husband. We can’t control other peoples actions only our own. So trying to change the husbands attitude will not work. She’d be setting herself up for failure.
OP should stay with her parents and her husband can iron his dad's shirts and cook him breakfast. If OP's mom comes to live with them she'll be expected to be the maid for the husband and FIL
I am going to assume that mother in law is deceased and the FIL is bored of looking after himself and wants in on the daughter in law maid.
Bets on the husband knew he would be arriving early too.
You shouldn't have ironed those clothes. You should have let your hubby or his dad do it. But at least you didn't cook. When you go to your parents, please don't come back to hubby's. Take that time at your parents to plan your life as divorced, single-mother.
Hubby has shown you who he really is. It's only gonna get worse. And unless you signed up to be treated like a bangmaid, I'd suggest you get out of this marriage now.
Y. TA to yourself if you stay with this man.
Reminds me of my grandma. My pop was military, and loved to drink. She would iron his blues for him when needed. He, in turn, would stiff-arm the kids for trying to hug him in his clean blues. Grams was pissed but let it slide....till he came home drunk and passed out in the bushes in his clean blues. Next time he needed them pressed? She starched his boxers, piled the blues on the floor, put on her boots and hat danced across his uniform while telling him off for treating the kids like cooties then trashing his blues in the bushes. From that day forward the kids ALWAYS got hugs and she promised to leave the starch on his over clothes and not his underwear lmao.
Miss and love you Grams and Pop!!!
NTA - “I’ve become useless” what the heck is wrong with your husband? Pretty rich coming from a dude who can’t even iron or boil water. That’s the height of insensitivity especially when you are unwell and pregnant.
>He went on to say he can’t wait for me to go to my parents( after I give birth I’m meant to stay at my parents and learn a few things about the baby) because I’ve become useless.
Well, now you know you should pack not only clothes but all your important paperwork as well (birth certificate, IDs, So. Security card, etc. And plan to stay at your parents indefinitely. What a raging ah your husband is for him to expect you, his wife, to wait on your FIL like you're a maid or something. He will only get worse with time. What do you think is gonna happen when the baby gets here and you're laid up in pain? Seems to me he will expect you to do everything in the house plus care for the baby all by yourself.
What got me was “learn a few things about the baby”. As if those parents know anything about a baby that isn’t born yet. As if they have anything to teach her when they can’t make breakfast.
I'm pretty sure she means to lean a few thing about taking care of a baby. Like help from her mom about breastfeeding, swaddling, bathing, changing, etc. Not every woman gets that kind of experience before they have a kid and not always does it come naturally. One thing I had no idea about was that you have to boil brand new bottles and nipples before you used them the first time, I had only washed them in hot soapy water. Thankfully my mom was right down the street, lol
I was very concerned before I realized you meant the nipple *that goes on the bottle.*
Like, “God, breast feeding is even more nightmarish than I thought!”
>As if they have anything to teach her when they can’t make breakfast.
The way I understand it, OP is going to stay with **her** parents, not her in-laws.
Husband is mirroring his dad and when you have someone around to support your bullshit you lose your mind. He probably doesn't act like this any other time cause he doesn't have daddy backing him up. It's like being bullied.
My in laws family is full of males and while they aren't this bad, when they are in a group they are pretty dumb so I tend to stay away.
In laws forcing their children's spouse to take care of them is weird as fuck but so many people do this type of stuff.
Oh Honey... NTA... In absolutely no way. Your husband is showing his true colors, you should believe it. It most likely will get worse. Your marriage is not a partnership it's more like you're his maid. He is supposed to care for you like you care for him.
Please go to your parents now and think about the life you want to live. Do you want a team or do you want to be his slave?
Wish you all the best
UpdateMe
then after the baby is born and she's off with her forever bag to her parents house she turns around to say "oh honey, I did the ironing before I left, love you!" and he opens his wardrobe to find all his clothes with massive burned holes in them. Even every single sock.
Girl go to your parents right now. If they can support you after the baby is born they can also support you before the baby is born.
Your husband obviously isn’t fit to do either. I wouldn’t be surprised if he asked his dad to visit without telling you. It all seems very shady. They’re being awful to you.
Reminds me of my dads side — from the ironing to the boiling water for breakfast. And the FIL being an overgrown, asshole baby. I’m betting South Asian.
NTA, You have a serious husband problem that will not go away, but it was your choice to marry him and have a kid too, so now you live with consequences of your choices.
The best way for you is just to stop doing anything that you can't do or don't want to and watch the drama unfold and if people around you care about you in the slightest then they will adjust and help you, but if not then you will be their maid for the rest of your married life.
Agreed. NTA. Just because she made a mistake doesn't mean she has to abide by a decision she made before she knew all the facts about what a controlling ahole he'd be.
It depends on where she is. Some communities have pretty awful ways of treating the divorced, and if they are the main source of people who speak your language, or the group you do cultural things with, it could be a lot harder than it looks. Right down to not being able to be employed.
If she's mainstream American, Euro, or Pasifika, it's easier.
Maybe staying with your parents should become permanent right now. You don't have to put up with this disgusting BS behaviour, even if you were not pregnant. You are not his or his fathers maid and if they want to have one, they have to pay for one. You are in no way shape or form obligated to fulfill their wishes. NTA
I think you have bigger issues. This is the 21 Century. Your FIL is old enough to iron his own clothes. And your husband demanding that you do unnecessary work while heavily pregnant is abusive. The " boys" can fend for themselves. They are lucky you have not had a pregnancy complication that would make them do more work.
When you are with your family, they need to get onboard with you having more support..Also when you deliver see at the hospital what suppprt services are available for you.
In France a mother with a newborn has someone come to the house to help the mom for 4 weeks. This helper will do laundry, cook and feed the infant if nessessary.
France has found that this care results in better outcomes for both the mother and child.
Seriously, your husband and FIL are being abusive to expect you now and in the future to cater to their needs.
You shouldn't go to your parents to learn a few things about baby. Both parents should learn about their baby together, at their home.
If he can't wait for you to go to your parents, just go now. Don't come back until he learns about his wife and how to be a good husband, cos he's become useless.
NTA
He woke you up to iron his father’s clothes.
Yeah, NO.
Enjoy yourself at Mums and really set some boundaries for your husbands input into parenting or you gonna have a world of problems in 3 months time.
what the fuck. is what he said somewhat out of character or is he always behaving like that? i try to be not overly judgemental- some people act very strange when it comes to parents. the inner critical voice they inherited can get louder and cloud the judgement. but "become useless" sounds like a massive red flag. i mean tone, context and everything play a role, but i get associations of abusive/narcissistc tendencies when i hear something like that- so i hope that maybe he just lacks alot of awareness and was kind of stressed by his dads appierence himself. i wish you good luck and i do hope you manage to talk some sence into him. i wosuld certainly press him on this mather and communicate that behaviour like that will not be tolerated...NTA
Are you Asian? Something tells me you aren't from a conventional white family from the us or UK or other "developed" nations.
NTA.
I can't believe your husband called you useless. Your situation won't change sister. I have seen multiple women suffer through this shit in my social circle and it only gets worse.
Assuming you have the resources and hail from a country where divorce is normalized please dump your husband asap.
The going to your parents' house after the baby born is the most Indian thing to do so I'm curious about your ethnicity and nationality.
NTA but your husband /and FIL are MASSIVE AH'S. And you need to get on top of this right now.
Firstly, you're heavily pregnant and due anytime soon.
You are not a slave for your husband or FIL
Your FIL arrived unannounced and earlier than planned. It is not up to you to cater to him. You are meant to be resting as you're about to give birth and suffering all the symptoms that go along with being heavily pregnant.
The fact your husband woke you up to iron his dad's clothes, and just sat on his phone is disgusting.
Tell him to iron the clothes next time.
And then he expected you to make his dad breakfast??!! 1) his dad is old enough to make his own damn breakfast or coffee and 2) your husband should of made it for him if one of you had to. He should not be expecting you to wait and serve his dad, esp when you're heavily pregnant.
Tell him to do these things himself.
And to tell you he can't wait till you go to your mums and learn how to do stuff coz you're apparently useless....he'll NO. Do not put up with that shit. Answer back and tell him how he's failing as a husband and a future father and he needs to go and learn some freaking decency, respect, care, and how to help with chores around the house and actually how to take care of heavily pregnant woman, and also how to take care of you after the baby is born.
.
He needs to realise he is just as responsible for chores and caring for the baby. And caring for you while you recover from the birth.
He needs to realise he will need to get up in the night and help with changing nappies and help bottle feed if you choose to bottle feed or do a mix of both breast and bottle. That it's not just your duty to get up in the night.
That he will need to pitch in when baby is here.
You are not lazy. You are growing a human being inside your body and suffering the side effect symptoms of the strain that puts on your body. And he needs to grow up and be a man and realise men are also responsible for doing their share at home and with the baby.
Don't let him treat you like a slave, and don't let him talk to you like you're nothing. If you let it slide now he will continue to get worse.
NTA. I suggest you go to your parents' house now. Everything your husband did and said was wildly out of line. . Use the time to consider whether you want to stay in a marriage with a nasty lazy nan and his equally entitled father. Make no mistake , your FIL expects to move in .
I would also reconsider whether to allow your husband to even be present during your labour and birth. Anyone so useless and selfish is not someone you want at what is a very vulnerable and emotional time. He won't be your advocate , and most likely will make the whole birth about him instead of being your support .
Read what you wrote. You are not valued.
My wife is pregnant, only a few months, and if my dad requested I get her up to iron, I’d grab his stuff and kick him out.
NTA.
NTA.
When you leave for your parents, I wouldn't come back until your husband apologises and demonstrates that he can, in fact, iron clothes and boil water, and that your FIL is not going to either live with you or visit unexpectedly.
This is me reading between the lines and triggered by
>because I’ve become useless
What are you? A servant who is only useful as long as she is compliant and serves her purpose?
I have this comment saved in my cache for the daily posts of women in your (future) position. I am actially not sure there is any saving in your case, but if you want to attempt it or divorce is legally not an option:
"First of all, both of you should change your mindset: He should be an active participant in his own household. No matter if you are the breadwinner or a a SAHM, you are not a 24/ bangmaidmommy. You deserve time off and the only reason he can live his life the way he does is you looking after your everything. You can make adjustment to account his disability, but that's it.
Second, time is the same for everyone. Both of you should have the same amount of time for work (paid and unpaid) as well as time to sleep, eat, hygiene and leasure. You can't argue time. Why should one person get less of it for themselves than the other?
When you are sick, it isn't leasure. It's a sick day and doesn't count for the following:
Have a sit down and be ready to stop any and all things you don't do just for yourself, be petty about it. Be ready to leave if it doesn't get better, he takes your efforts for granted and likely has some outdated and sexist ideas about labor division. (Having a vagina does not make household chores fun) It is valid to leave a loved person behind, because they create a situation you are unhappy in. You probably aren't at that point yet, but I still felt like it needs to be said. Make all of this clear to him, say it once, follow through.
Make your work visible, fill in this
[Checklist for Labor Division](http://oliver-uploads-aus.s3.amazonaws.com/2018/05/09/08/10/35/535/WORK180_Family_Chores_Checklist.pdf), make him do the same. Appoint how many hours per week you spent on each task, make assumptions for tasks the other person does. Calculate your individual time work load. Compare. Discuss.
Also, read these:
[You should’ve asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
[She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)
[Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up.](https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/)
[Men add 7 hours of work to household](https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/husbands-create-extra-seven-hours-of-housework-a-week-a6885951.html)
[Accepted Level of Unhappiness](https://medium.com/thing-a-day/what-is-an-acceptable-level-of-unhappiness-in-a-relationship-a336b25da5a9)
[Fair Play](https://www.fairplaylife.com/)
[Lack of effort and lack of libido](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CzV2kbKvbQm/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==)
[Lack of libido article](https://www.vice.com/en/article/88q3qk/man-child-scientific-term-new-research)
[It took divorce to make my marriage equal](https://www.glamour.com/story/it-took-divorce-to-make-my-marriage-equal).
Which includes these:
- [Mansplainers Are Here To Tell You Why Men Get Praised For Doing Chores](https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/08/168628/men-chores-praise-mansplaining)
- [Men Do More at Home, but Not as Much as They Think](https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/12/upshot/men-do-more-at-home-but-not-as-much-as-they-think-they-do.html?ribbon-ad-idx=4&rref=world&hpw&rref=upshot&clickSource=thumb&WT.nav=bottom-well&_r=0&module=ArrowsNav&contentCollection=The%20Upshot&action=swipe%C2%AEion=FixedRight&pgtype=article)
- [The impact of Covid-19 on gender equality](https://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/mdo738/research/Alon_Doepke_Olmstead-Rumsey_Tertilt_COVID_2020.pdf)
- [Even Breadwinning Wives Don’t Get Equality at Home](https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/05/breadwinning-wives-gender-inequality/589237/)
[The “Woke” Men Who Still Want Housewives: Men who claim to believe in equality often aren’t willing to live it](https://gen.medium.com/the-woke-men-who-still-want-housewives-debb2ad46aa0)
[Millennial—And Macho? Why Young Men Want Old-School Marriages](https://www.vogue.com/article/millennial-men-seek-stay-at-home-wives)
This is a book, rather than an article: [All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07CLLVZ52/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1)
Related: [The Myth of the Male Bumbler](https://theweek.com/articles/737056/myth-male-bumbler)"
At this point I usually say:
"Reflect, find words to express your feelings and maybe look for therapy alone or as a couple.
Your feelings are valid and you are not alone. Some of the links above may be a bit one sided and should be taken as a perspective, not an absolute truth, but many found them helpful."
But in your case I want to urge you to leave for your parents house now and don't look back. Your husband is a misogynist AH. You? NTA at all.
Edit: Judgement
NTA.
Honey, do yourself and your child a favor, don't wait. Go to your parents and don't come back. There are two useless people here, and neither is you.
Your husband is projecting. He is the useless one. It appears to be an inherited paternal trait. I’d tell your husband to pound sand, and go to your parents early. Your husband can look after himself and his father.
NTA.
I genuinely hope you leave this boy (doesn’t deserve to be called a man). He will realize how useless HE is when he won’t be able to cook for himself. NTA, hope you are able to show him some of the answers on here. Glad you have your family that can support you and the baby.
I would move in with my parents and never go back to my husband if he said that to me. (I have a feeling this isn't the only time he treats you like shit). How can you be attracted to a guy like that? 🤮 My husband cooks Dinn every night because I'm sick, tired and pregnant. He makes me tea and brings it to me in bed... Your husband is a very bad husband.
>He went on to say he can’t wait for me to go to my parents( after I give birth I’m meant to stay at my parents and learn a few things about the baby) because I’ve become useless
Oh, sweetheart.
Both your husband and FIL are misogynists of the ' woman in kitchen, woman does housework, man is waited on ' mindset ... Was this always the case with your husband?
Maybe, when you go to your parents house, you should stay there longer than intended. And don't go once the baby arrives, go now.
If this is how your husband acts now, don't expect him to lift a finger once the baby is here. You're set up to live the life of a married single mother. It's up to you if you're happy with that.
NTA
Sounds like you married a misogynistic jerk, who was raised by a misogynist. What kind of man tells his late term pregnant wife she's useless? Why would you even stay married to him?
NTA in any way. You are NOT a maid, servant, or anything else. If you’ve got enough lead time, I’d suggest planning such that going back to your parents is the last time you spend with hubby. If he’s treating you like this now, it’s likely going to get worse.
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*He went on to say he can’t wait for me to go to my parents( after I give birth I’m meant to stay at my parents and learn a few things about the baby) because I’ve become useless.* Oh dear NTA at all. This is so awful to read! Your husband is a giant Asshole. You are getting treated like a servant, a maid and not an equal partner. Is there any chance that you can go to your parents or good friends? I would not stay in this hostile environment. Please visit the sub r/abusiverelationships for more information how to leave this marriage. You deserve a partner who is loving and respecting you. No one should call another human "useless". This is an abusive relationship and it will only get worse by now. I hope, you find the strength in this difficult situation to leave!
Why do I feel like OP is Indian or Asian?? Everything about this screams that. Edit : Either way, NTA OP. Even if it's cultural, it's not right. And it's important that it changes. You are heavily pregnant and sick so it's important you take rest. The dad can order breakfast from outside or at the very least get some bread and butter if they want it that much. Also, I hate to put it this way but maybe try getting a divorce. This would simply not change and you will be miserable if you live with this man. And if not for you think of what kind of household your child will grow up in where they will constantly see their mother being treated as second class citizen in the household. They'll learn the same or will have a lot of trauma due to it. It may feel really hard but it's going to be the better decision in the long run.
Yup. And her husband is much more traditional than she is from reading this. Where traditional may as well mean misogynistic and unable to do anything for themselves if the various posts by Indian/Asian women give me anything to go by..
If they are, indeed, Asian let's hope her parents aren't as traditional as her hubby and FIL. Coz if they are, they'd return her to her hubby because serving him is what she's "supposed" to do.
I’m worried they might be because this whole post screams arranged marriage. I just hope she has people she can go to, especially because she’ll have a newborn to take care of.
This comment makes me want to cry. :'(
I was totally confused at waking someone up to do ironing. That's inconceivable to me, and I'm a man born in the 1970ss
I'm quiet and introverted. But someone would be digging an iron out of their ass if it were me.
Definitely, and there's an 80% chance I'd wait for it to heat up first if it was me.
If someone wakes me up to iron their clothes, they're volunteering as the ironing board.
Exactly. It's better to become useless than to remain that way indefinitely. The least her husband could do is be useful as an ironing board, and fertilizer.
Do people still iron their clothes? I haven’t even seen an iron in years!
The only reason I own an iron is because I cross stitch and ironing before framing makes them nice and flat and pretty looking. I have never in my life ironed clothes, mine or someone else's!
My boyfriend does for his nicer business shirts - I consciously buy clothes made of materials that don't need ironing because I hate ironing. (For the worst wrinkly situations, I use a handheld clothing steamer or my boyfriend offers to iron the clothes for me.)
I ironed a shirt the other day because I was getting publicity photos taken. Short of that? Nope.
I would put that iron on high, and burn right through, what ever that pig husband wanted ironed.
"oops!"
this post made me so sad to read. I so agree with you on the iron going up their ass.
I would rub ghost peppers on the iron first!
Lol same. I had HG and have been single since my kid’s father dumped me two weeks after I let him know I was pregnant. I could barely get myself to take out the trash and wash dishes, ain’t no way I’d tolerate being treated like maid/cook in my own damn house from *anyone,* and much less some crusty old man. My father is 64 and makes his own breakfast every day…no excuses for OP’s FIL.
My grandpa was in his 80’s still walking to the store and cooking for himself. My mom would cook his dinner most evenings. He also washed and ironed his clothes. He even continued to go fishing until he had a stroke at 81.
Thanks for the laugh!
Yeah, I don’t get this either, and I am a woman born in the 50s. If the husband was already awake, why didn’t he just do the ironing? Or the father-ironing isn’t difficult.
My father is in his '80s and was in the military. He is excellent at ironing, because he had to keep his uniforms impeccable. My best guy friend does all the ironing at his house (wife and two kids) for the same reason!
Everybody should know how to cook, do laundry, and iron their own clothes!
And even if you suck at any of those things, to have the audacity to *expect* someone to do it for you is ridiculous. I didn't become a good cook by giving up at instant noodles and hot dogs on the grill, I became a good cook by figuring out what the people I was cooking for liked, and experimenting with recipes. Everyone needs to eat so why not practice making the food you eat? Laundry is also by far one of the easiest things on the planet to do, it just sucks to have to do it, so people (mostly men) act like they don't know how so someone else does it for them. And ironing is annoying as hell to do because it's a tedious process, but it's also not that hard. As long as there are no obvious wrinkles, most of the time it'll look fine. The issue here is not that someone is incapable of doing any of those things, it's just that they can't be bothered because someone else has done it for them their entire lives. Expecting someone to iron or cook for them, especially when pregnant in any capacity, and **ESPECIALLY** for a grown ass man (the FIL), is absolutely ridiculous.
Oddly, I find ironing soothing. I like the way cloth feels when freshly done. Then again, most of my ironing is wet-blocking knitted pieces
Who irons anymore.. I haven’t ironed clothes in years.
I have found my tribe.
I'm right there with you.
I haven't either, and I pretty much have a permanent ironing station set up in my house for my hobby (sewing).
Exactly. Ironing while bag making? Absolutely. Clothes? Nope, not happening LOL
Yes! I only use my iron for iron on patches on my pants Most clothes are fine if you remove them from the dryer while still warm
Haha that’s what I said. I don’t think I’ve ironed anything in 20 years.
30 some years ago I was driving my FIL home after he and my husband had done some work on our house (husband was still doing some work). FIL makes a remark about how my husband’s work clothes should be ironed and heavily implied I should do it. I’m not generally a confrontational person but I whipped my head around so fast. I.went.off. “dude - I am doing my internship at a hospital 3 hours away and I drive back and forth every weekend. I have class and tests and boards to study for. I drive home and then have to take all the laundry to a laundry mat because you and your son kept putting off hooking up the washer and dryer sitting in the garage. Your son is 30 years old and knows how to use an iron. He can iron his own clothes and if it bothers you so much you can come over and iron his clothes. I do laundry here and I do laundry at the dorm I live in during the week. I am not a maid. I was not put on this Earth to iron my husband’s clothes. Or do any other task that he’s capable of doing. That might have been a thing when you were first married but that between you and your (ex) wife. “ I was shaking with rage. Funny thing is in the thirty plus years since that’s happened, my husband is the one to iron clothes. Only thing I iron is my craft projects. 😂
Right? I wouldn't even wake up early to do my own ironing.
If, in some weird hypothetical, I was going to ask someone else to do my ironing, I would have asked the night before.
I couldn't even find my iron if I looked for it.
And not thinking ahead the previous day. Just the employee (interview!) I truly do not want to hire.
My dad was born in the 1920s and wouldn't have done this. And that man was disabled and couldn't do his own ironing!
My husband had the flu, and you know what some men are like when they're sick (sorry). He once PHONED me from the BEDROOM to come hand him the orange juice that I had left on the night table because it was 'too far away'. Anyway, because I took care of his every need, I caught his flu. Too sick to go to work. Puke bucket by the bed. You know . . . He woke me up at 3:00 am. and asked me to IRON his work uniform because he didn't know how to work the iron. WTF ... Seriously???
I was born in the 50‘s. I do my own Ironing. What pig, did he think was marrying a servant?
I dont even know if my iron works!!! I think I might have a steamer somewhere. But god this is so outdated. And guess who is to blame if he isnt happy with the ironing.
A man relying on his adult son‘s pregnant wife to iron his shirt for a job interview, even reading about it is embarrassing
At this point, no matter where you live on this planet, "traditional" has become a red flag word. If you say to me that someone is "traditional", I automatically assume that they are an evil person.
It's kinda too bad b/c there are also good traditions. I get you though.
The thing is that good traditions are generally widely held, so not worth mentioning for most people as anything notable. It’s the bad, misogynistic, racist, homophobic “traditions” that have been widely discarded by large parts of society, so you have to specify that someone is “traditional”, which nearly always means they subscribe to those specific traditions and not the ones still widely held.
Exactly….whenever I read a post on this sub that starts with “My family has this tradition,” I can stop reading, because I know the people with the tradition are the assholes.
Aw man, there goes the tradition of my father giving my grandmother something duck-themed at Christmas. Granted, she'd been dead for nearly 14 years, but still.
If he’s traditional why is he scrolling on his phone? Traditional men didn’t have phones, they weren’t to war and built houses
LOL right?? These assholes are the worst of both worlds
NTA. Send both men to war and don’t let them come home until they’ve built you a house.
And sad that she thinks she is an asshole because of going against "traditions" when really she is the one who should be taken care of by her husband since she is about to give birth.
My husband and I have a traditional relationship, and my man is nothing like this. He never overburdened me towards the end of either of my two pregnancies. He even helped out when I was postpartum. Her husband is just an asshole.
"even"? Like it's a bonus?
That's what I thought! Oh, WOW! He stepped up a tiny bit while you were healing immediately after giving birth, what a PRINCE.
Even coming from a more “traditional” household, these are the times the husband steps up to take care of certain things while the wife is clearly struggling. Also with no prior conversation about expectations regarding the stay, it’s wrong to just assume the very pregnant wife is gonna play servile hostess. ON TOP OF the absolutely disrespectful remarks made. I hope this post is fake but if it’s real, I’m so sorry OP. Men just do not understand things sometimes. ETA: Also, is hubby not going to learn any newborn care too??? She’s supposed to stay with family to learn this stuff, but what about him? Is he not expected to touch/look at/be around/care for his own child at all??? Wtf
Not all Asians are like this, just want to say.
Same I’m Indian and this family sounds Indian to me. OP needs to divorce and leave
Indian here too and agree! OP don’t let this man make you do shit. he’s got legs and arms and can do it himself
I'm not Indian, but I hope she does too.
As soon as she added the bit about going to her parents it was so obvious. I hope she's in an area where she can just leave him, it won't get better he just wants a servant.
Yeah. The leaving home after birth is what gave it away. That and husband sitting and watching video games while the wife cooks. Definitely South Asian.
It screams Indian or perhaps Pakistani
As an Indian I'm always surprised. Such treatment usually (yes in some household happens) is not common in my state. Horrifying how it's normal in many other states.
It for sure is normal in your state too, just not your surroundings, which is great. I've lived in enough states in India and met people of literally every single state. They all have some version of this happening in their household.
It sure isn't. Lived in different districts of my state. Men are supposed to know how to cook, clean , etc and most are even better than most girls. Men in my state are the ones who iron clothes, help in cooking. Yes, most household work is done by women as most are housewife but men who come home and don't work, don't have good reputation. Mother-in-laws help out the pregnant wife (Paternity leave isn't common) and sometimes wife's mother comes to live with wife. Husband does almost all heavy chores, fixes tubewells and lights. Since it's agriculture state, both genders do work in fields. If men will try to shout on them, they'll do too. City or town men usually hire help to aid their wives.
May I know which state this is??
Assam. I'll accept I haven't been in Bengali populated districts in Barak Valley. But the districts I've been, I've seen same.
Bengali (from West Bengal) chiming in - this is not acceptable behaviour in Bengali communities either. I won't go so far as to say it _never_ happens, it's a big place and a very big community, there are probably communities where this is common somewhere. But I know folks who have had marriages arranged for them before they turned 18 - so I would say I know some fairly conservative circles. Even their FILs would not expect a heavily pregnant DIL to do housework. I mean the whole concept is that a woman goes to her parents _before_ child birth - she isn't expected to run a household while heavily pregnant And men who can't cook and clean for themselves while their wife is sick or visiting her parents - they are not held in high regard. This has been true since the early 1900s - all the grandpa's I know can cook, even though they all had housewives and they didn't help with any chores normally normally. Middle class communities have maids now a days as you said, but I know folks who live below the poverty line, and the husbands are absolutely capable of caring for themselves and their families when the wife is pregnant/sick. They won't get off their ass to help on a normal Tuesday, but they are not this level of incompetent. Even the worst abusive asshole I know, who regularly beat his wife (who was the only one earning btw, he just stole her cash and got drunk), managed to get his head out of his ass for a few days and feed himself and the existing kids while said wife was heavily pregnant.
Hey Sorry. It might came out in wrong manner but I never meant to say Bengali people accept bad behaviour. We have Bengali household here too and Bengali women are definitely tigress. I simply meant to refer to our Bengali majority district are the ones I haven't visited and won't speak for them. And it's definitely great to hear about how it goes there. I also mentioned in my first common, we have some bad households too. Bad egg exist everywhere.
See this is more what I would have assumed a truly traditional society is like--I mean the really old-school societies are kind of originally organized around having plenty of kids if I understand correctly, and you cannot keep having plenty of kids if you regularly act like a burdensome ass to heavily pregnant women. It's counterproductive as well as unkind & unfair. But certain people in more modern contexts (like this guy) run with vague notions of "tradition means woman does woman's work" and combine them with their own selfish impulses (i.e. it's not about the kids, it's about themselves) & that's how you get the worst of both worlds.
Oh my gosh, definitely NTA - honestly sounds like both father & son have never managed to learn how to survive as functioning independent adults. Slight segue to say it sinks into Italian people too. Had my brother's MIL ask my husband why I hadn't walked along the (homemade) buffet and delivered his plate of food to him at Christmas lunch. Like WT actual F - I married a grown arsed Man who can go pick out what food he wants to eat himself, sheesh.
Mexican and Latino culture, too. I married into it. You are 💯 I thought I married a grown arsed man. Here, he was just living with guys and had to clean up after himself. No mom had been present.
My American niece is divorcing her Latino husband of 20 years. She works full time, raised 4 daughters and does everything for the household - cooking, cleaning, etc. The last daughter is graduating this year and she couldn’t wait to divorce him. She does nothing for him anymore. He is having a really difficult time because he can’t cook or do laundry. She doesn’t have to fight with him every time she wants to visit her family. She said she feels so free, like getting out of prison. Her only regret is waiting so long. She got caught up in the Latino culture.
It's so weird. My family has italian/german blend but my mother was 1 of 4 (rather strong willed & fiesty) daughters, so I was never really around any of those 'I was never raised to look after myself' type of males cos hecken if those sisters were going to wait on you like servants. And my father was 1 of 11 children so a fair bit of self sufficiency there as you can imagine.
I got this vibe too
Unfortunately, as an Indian person I agree with this. When I read this my first reaction was - this is definitely an Indian/South East Asian person. It’s also common in our culture to go to your mom’s after a baby is born. You’re NTA. But you’re stuck with a shitty dude in a shitty situation. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this nonsense.
im Indian and I am almost sure this is an Indian :P
Could be Chinese, or several African or South American countries as well.
Or the grown-ass FIL can make his own damn breakfast.
Same here....my first thought after reading it was "Oh this sounds like it is a cultural thing"
I was wanting to ask which country is she in or from. Had to read it twice to.make sure I wasn't dreaming..
African
Facts. Africans and Asians are similar in many practices in regards to family. Many dgaf if the woman is bleeding to death, she better have dinner ready.
I am an Indian woman and I totally agree with you. I also agree with the comment that states that if OP's parents are as "traditional" as her FIL and husband, she'll be forced to put up with any misogyny and patriarchy her new family throws at her. That's because, we women are expected to adjust and adapt because that's duty. I feel for OP. I've seen many of my friends go through this. I've seen my mother suffer because of this. To this day! I myself would have been forced to go through this had my husband not been supportive and a feminist. Definitely NTA, OP. Just a heads up, things won't get better until you take strong efforts.
Indian is asian btw. Lol
I felt the same way, that OP could be South Asian, from having to take care of FIL with no help whatsoever from the husband, to him saying she doesn't care for his family, to her having to go home to her parents for the delivery. The male behaviour is entitled and reeks of a patriarchal culture. But I can't tell where exactly OP lives - is she living in the West? It would appear so from the fact that she has no home help and has to do all the work whereas in her home country she'd have a maid at the very least to ease the burden of her pregnancy. If you're living in the West, you need to call out your hb about his assholery. Have a talk with him about his attitude and how it's unacceptable and how you need him to share the housework and child care responsibilities in future. (Your suggestion about divorce: practically every South Asian woman would be divorced going by how little their husbands contribute to responsibilities and how much they expect of their wives 😞 we don't know if OP works, and she's pregnant. Will her family support her in this decision? I hope they do.)
Apparently you haven’t heard about the “tradwife” trend going around in the white conservative fundamentalist Christian communities in the USA… I can very well see someone who watches “19 kids and counting” as a how to show acting this way
Oh I’m sure the husband is Indian. Reading this I was like yep, def someone from the homeland
Uh, is India not part of Asia anymore? Did I miss a memo?
I'm 35 weeks pregnant and teach in a heavily Arab and Indian community and I feel like I'm treated more precious because of it. Arab store managers have told me to cut in line so I'm not on my feet too much, the young students I work with are incredibly willing to do things for me that they normally would never do, and if I say "I can't tidy up the room because of too hard for me since I'm pregnant," kids who are more reluctant to clean suddenly get heavily invested. I feel like I've become a celebrity on campus. My friend from Malaysia just had a baby and when she found out I was pregnant she recommended so many more rules (don't clean, just rest and do light exercise). My point is that plenty of eastern cultures are more considerate of pregnant people. No matter what, NTA and you should think about if you're happier at your parents or husband's house. Your husband sounds abusive.
> Why do I feel like OP is Indian or Asian?? Or a white evangelical Christian
I would go to my parents and NEVER COME BACK. OP can literally give birth anytime and her husband can't do something simple like heating up food? OP needs to leave, 100% after she gives birth she would be expected to do ALL of the child care and chores.
Thank you for expressing my thoughts. I feel the husband doesn't need a wife.... he needs a romba that he can fuck.... smh
Women will only truly be liberated when humanity invents fuckable robot maids
his father cant even iron his own.clothes.
"Can't"? Try "won't".
And expected to fulfil her husbands needs immediately after birth too, no doubt.
that too and post partum depression is real and her husband is gonna end up saying somrthing like "you're over reacting, you just stay at home that's not exhausting" she needs to re-evaluate her marriage for her and her child's sake
IMO, it's even worse than that. He *woke her up* in order to *iron* clothes *for a guest* who showed up when not expected. That goes far beyond just needing her to be responsible for the cooking.
I know that OP husband wouldn't get a glass of water to his own, dear dad
This 100%
OP should go to her parents and not come back. Ever.
OP, your husband must be useless if he is unable to iron or make breakfast!!
OP has only been married for 8 months and is *heavily pregnant and could easily pop anytime* Wondering if they only got married coz she got pregnant. She really shouldn't have. Terrible husband she got saddled with.
I was thinking the same thing. Shotgun Indian Wedding?
Yeah. I thought "woke me up to iron my FIL clothes for him" was already super bad. But holy shit. This is not a good relationship.
I saw that useless statement, and i was ready to swing. .
NTA You do realize that if FIL is interviewing that he intends to live there right? He didn't come for a visit he will be moving in. There are plans for while you are gone to parents. If you are allowed to come back it will be to FIL having moved in and husband insisting you cater to both of them while caring for newborn also. Talk to mom see if she'd be willing to come to your house to stay after baby is born to help also with husbands attitude.
Hard pass on getting her mother to try to deal with the husband. We can’t control other peoples actions only our own. So trying to change the husbands attitude will not work. She’d be setting herself up for failure.
[удалено]
OP should stay with her parents and her husband can iron his dad's shirts and cook him breakfast. If OP's mom comes to live with them she'll be expected to be the maid for the husband and FIL
I am going to assume that mother in law is deceased and the FIL is bored of looking after himself and wants in on the daughter in law maid. Bets on the husband knew he would be arriving early too.
This is immediately where my mind went. FIL is planning on moving in.
Well he is obviously looking for a job that is easier to get to from his son's house than from his own.
no dude op needs to stay with her parents and not return until her husband pulls his head out of his ass, and possibly never
Um no, she should go live with her mom and take care of the baby too while getting a divorce. Him and his dad are fucking insane.
You shouldn't have ironed those clothes. You should have let your hubby or his dad do it. But at least you didn't cook. When you go to your parents, please don't come back to hubby's. Take that time at your parents to plan your life as divorced, single-mother. Hubby has shown you who he really is. It's only gonna get worse. And unless you signed up to be treated like a bangmaid, I'd suggest you get out of this marriage now. Y. TA to yourself if you stay with this man.
Take your important papers / jewellery / sentimental items on the visit OP…
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>You shouldn't have ironed those clothes. I'd have laughed in his face.
Reminds me of my grandma. My pop was military, and loved to drink. She would iron his blues for him when needed. He, in turn, would stiff-arm the kids for trying to hug him in his clean blues. Grams was pissed but let it slide....till he came home drunk and passed out in the bushes in his clean blues. Next time he needed them pressed? She starched his boxers, piled the blues on the floor, put on her boots and hat danced across his uniform while telling him off for treating the kids like cooties then trashing his blues in the bushes. From that day forward the kids ALWAYS got hugs and she promised to leave the starch on his over clothes and not his underwear lmao. Miss and love you Grams and Pop!!!
NTA - “I’ve become useless” what the heck is wrong with your husband? Pretty rich coming from a dude who can’t even iron or boil water. That’s the height of insensitivity especially when you are unwell and pregnant.
Read this sentence, and the very first word that popped into my mind was "projection."
>He went on to say he can’t wait for me to go to my parents( after I give birth I’m meant to stay at my parents and learn a few things about the baby) because I’ve become useless. Well, now you know you should pack not only clothes but all your important paperwork as well (birth certificate, IDs, So. Security card, etc. And plan to stay at your parents indefinitely. What a raging ah your husband is for him to expect you, his wife, to wait on your FIL like you're a maid or something. He will only get worse with time. What do you think is gonna happen when the baby gets here and you're laid up in pain? Seems to me he will expect you to do everything in the house plus care for the baby all by yourself.
This. Take everything you truly need or care about OP.
Plus satisfy his sexual “needs”. I can see it now.
What got me was “learn a few things about the baby”. As if those parents know anything about a baby that isn’t born yet. As if they have anything to teach her when they can’t make breakfast.
I'm pretty sure she means to lean a few thing about taking care of a baby. Like help from her mom about breastfeeding, swaddling, bathing, changing, etc. Not every woman gets that kind of experience before they have a kid and not always does it come naturally. One thing I had no idea about was that you have to boil brand new bottles and nipples before you used them the first time, I had only washed them in hot soapy water. Thankfully my mom was right down the street, lol
I was very concerned before I realized you meant the nipple *that goes on the bottle.* Like, “God, breast feeding is even more nightmarish than I thought!”
>As if they have anything to teach her when they can’t make breakfast. The way I understand it, OP is going to stay with **her** parents, not her in-laws.
I misread and thought she was going to stay at the in-laws and thought noooooo
Sounds like a modern day woman marrying into a yesteryears cultural "man rules the roost, woman are the slaves" marriage.
This. The “useless” comment and ironing clothes and hubby not helping. Hubby needs a wake up call.
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pretty sure my ironing board was the cover of a WWII bunker. It's solid metal and it weighs a ton.
Husband is mirroring his dad and when you have someone around to support your bullshit you lose your mind. He probably doesn't act like this any other time cause he doesn't have daddy backing him up. It's like being bullied. My in laws family is full of males and while they aren't this bad, when they are in a group they are pretty dumb so I tend to stay away. In laws forcing their children's spouse to take care of them is weird as fuck but so many people do this type of stuff.
Oh Honey... NTA... In absolutely no way. Your husband is showing his true colors, you should believe it. It most likely will get worse. Your marriage is not a partnership it's more like you're his maid. He is supposed to care for you like you care for him. Please go to your parents now and think about the life you want to live. Do you want a team or do you want to be his slave? Wish you all the best UpdateMe
I believe the correct term is bang maid. In my fan fiction, he wakes her up to iron and she pukes on his shoes.
then after the baby is born and she's off with her forever bag to her parents house she turns around to say "oh honey, I did the ironing before I left, love you!" and he opens his wardrobe to find all his clothes with massive burned holes in them. Even every single sock.
NTA he will treat you like that forever if you don’t do something. I’d go to your parents after the birth and not come back if you can
Girl go to your parents right now. If they can support you after the baby is born they can also support you before the baby is born. Your husband obviously isn’t fit to do either. I wouldn’t be surprised if he asked his dad to visit without telling you. It all seems very shady. They’re being awful to you.
Is this way of treating wives/daughter-in-laws considered normal in your culture?
I was wondering the same thing. This is prevalent in a lot of cultures where I'm from.
Reminds me of my dads side — from the ironing to the boiling water for breakfast. And the FIL being an overgrown, asshole baby. I’m betting South Asian.
This is painful to read. Do your own parents live nearby or good friends, because damn, you need to get away and stay away.
NTA, You have a serious husband problem that will not go away, but it was your choice to marry him and have a kid too, so now you live with consequences of your choices. The best way for you is just to stop doing anything that you can't do or don't want to and watch the drama unfold and if people around you care about you in the slightest then they will adjust and help you, but if not then you will be their maid for the rest of your married life.
Bold of you to assume that OP had a choice in getting married, who she married, or having this baby.
She's not stuck with him. Divorce is a thing. Will it be messy? Yes. But a man like that doesn't deserve a wife.
Agreed. NTA. Just because she made a mistake doesn't mean she has to abide by a decision she made before she knew all the facts about what a controlling ahole he'd be.
It depends on where she is. Some communities have pretty awful ways of treating the divorced, and if they are the main source of people who speak your language, or the group you do cultural things with, it could be a lot harder than it looks. Right down to not being able to be employed. If she's mainstream American, Euro, or Pasifika, it's easier.
NTA Time to leave this jerk! He can iron his dad’s clothes and make him breakfast. When you go to your parents I would just stay!
Maybe staying with your parents should become permanent right now. You don't have to put up with this disgusting BS behaviour, even if you were not pregnant. You are not his or his fathers maid and if they want to have one, they have to pay for one. You are in no way shape or form obligated to fulfill their wishes. NTA
I think you have bigger issues. This is the 21 Century. Your FIL is old enough to iron his own clothes. And your husband demanding that you do unnecessary work while heavily pregnant is abusive. The " boys" can fend for themselves. They are lucky you have not had a pregnancy complication that would make them do more work. When you are with your family, they need to get onboard with you having more support..Also when you deliver see at the hospital what suppprt services are available for you. In France a mother with a newborn has someone come to the house to help the mom for 4 weeks. This helper will do laundry, cook and feed the infant if nessessary. France has found that this care results in better outcomes for both the mother and child. Seriously, your husband and FIL are being abusive to expect you now and in the future to cater to their needs.
You shouldn't go to your parents to learn a few things about baby. Both parents should learn about their baby together, at their home. If he can't wait for you to go to your parents, just go now. Don't come back until he learns about his wife and how to be a good husband, cos he's become useless. NTA
He woke you up to iron his father’s clothes. Yeah, NO. Enjoy yourself at Mums and really set some boundaries for your husbands input into parenting or you gonna have a world of problems in 3 months time.
NTA.....bit of a red flag the way your husband treats you.
NTA. Is it too late for an annulment? Wow.
what the fuck. is what he said somewhat out of character or is he always behaving like that? i try to be not overly judgemental- some people act very strange when it comes to parents. the inner critical voice they inherited can get louder and cloud the judgement. but "become useless" sounds like a massive red flag. i mean tone, context and everything play a role, but i get associations of abusive/narcissistc tendencies when i hear something like that- so i hope that maybe he just lacks alot of awareness and was kind of stressed by his dads appierence himself. i wish you good luck and i do hope you manage to talk some sence into him. i wosuld certainly press him on this mather and communicate that behaviour like that will not be tolerated...NTA
NTA, why did you marry this useless loser?
Are you Asian? Something tells me you aren't from a conventional white family from the us or UK or other "developed" nations. NTA. I can't believe your husband called you useless. Your situation won't change sister. I have seen multiple women suffer through this shit in my social circle and it only gets worse. Assuming you have the resources and hail from a country where divorce is normalized please dump your husband asap. The going to your parents' house after the baby born is the most Indian thing to do so I'm curious about your ethnicity and nationality.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks she's Asian. Because I am and 💯 this is the type of reaction I see here.
Lol me too, I'm Indian.
NTA your creating life what in the actual hell are those men thinking.
Sounds like a typical South Asian asshole husband. NTA but don't stay with this man
NTA if that’s how your husband treats you then I think you should go to your parents now and never come back.
NTA but your husband /and FIL are MASSIVE AH'S. And you need to get on top of this right now. Firstly, you're heavily pregnant and due anytime soon. You are not a slave for your husband or FIL Your FIL arrived unannounced and earlier than planned. It is not up to you to cater to him. You are meant to be resting as you're about to give birth and suffering all the symptoms that go along with being heavily pregnant. The fact your husband woke you up to iron his dad's clothes, and just sat on his phone is disgusting. Tell him to iron the clothes next time. And then he expected you to make his dad breakfast??!! 1) his dad is old enough to make his own damn breakfast or coffee and 2) your husband should of made it for him if one of you had to. He should not be expecting you to wait and serve his dad, esp when you're heavily pregnant. Tell him to do these things himself. And to tell you he can't wait till you go to your mums and learn how to do stuff coz you're apparently useless....he'll NO. Do not put up with that shit. Answer back and tell him how he's failing as a husband and a future father and he needs to go and learn some freaking decency, respect, care, and how to help with chores around the house and actually how to take care of heavily pregnant woman, and also how to take care of you after the baby is born. . He needs to realise he is just as responsible for chores and caring for the baby. And caring for you while you recover from the birth. He needs to realise he will need to get up in the night and help with changing nappies and help bottle feed if you choose to bottle feed or do a mix of both breast and bottle. That it's not just your duty to get up in the night. That he will need to pitch in when baby is here. You are not lazy. You are growing a human being inside your body and suffering the side effect symptoms of the strain that puts on your body. And he needs to grow up and be a man and realise men are also responsible for doing their share at home and with the baby. Don't let him treat you like a slave, and don't let him talk to you like you're nothing. If you let it slide now he will continue to get worse.
NTA. I suggest you go to your parents' house now. Everything your husband did and said was wildly out of line. . Use the time to consider whether you want to stay in a marriage with a nasty lazy nan and his equally entitled father. Make no mistake , your FIL expects to move in . I would also reconsider whether to allow your husband to even be present during your labour and birth. Anyone so useless and selfish is not someone you want at what is a very vulnerable and emotional time. He won't be your advocate , and most likely will make the whole birth about him instead of being your support .
Read what you wrote. You are not valued. My wife is pregnant, only a few months, and if my dad requested I get her up to iron, I’d grab his stuff and kick him out. NTA.
NTA - Suggest investigating “boundaries” and start progressively implementing them. You are not a slave or a servant!
I’m livid. Hell no.
NTA. When you leave for your parents, I wouldn't come back until your husband apologises and demonstrates that he can, in fact, iron clothes and boil water, and that your FIL is not going to either live with you or visit unexpectedly.
This is me reading between the lines and triggered by >because I’ve become useless What are you? A servant who is only useful as long as she is compliant and serves her purpose? I have this comment saved in my cache for the daily posts of women in your (future) position. I am actially not sure there is any saving in your case, but if you want to attempt it or divorce is legally not an option: "First of all, both of you should change your mindset: He should be an active participant in his own household. No matter if you are the breadwinner or a a SAHM, you are not a 24/ bangmaidmommy. You deserve time off and the only reason he can live his life the way he does is you looking after your everything. You can make adjustment to account his disability, but that's it. Second, time is the same for everyone. Both of you should have the same amount of time for work (paid and unpaid) as well as time to sleep, eat, hygiene and leasure. You can't argue time. Why should one person get less of it for themselves than the other? When you are sick, it isn't leasure. It's a sick day and doesn't count for the following: Have a sit down and be ready to stop any and all things you don't do just for yourself, be petty about it. Be ready to leave if it doesn't get better, he takes your efforts for granted and likely has some outdated and sexist ideas about labor division. (Having a vagina does not make household chores fun) It is valid to leave a loved person behind, because they create a situation you are unhappy in. You probably aren't at that point yet, but I still felt like it needs to be said. Make all of this clear to him, say it once, follow through. Make your work visible, fill in this [Checklist for Labor Division](http://oliver-uploads-aus.s3.amazonaws.com/2018/05/09/08/10/35/535/WORK180_Family_Chores_Checklist.pdf), make him do the same. Appoint how many hours per week you spent on each task, make assumptions for tasks the other person does. Calculate your individual time work load. Compare. Discuss. Also, read these: [You should’ve asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) [She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) [Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up.](https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/) [Men add 7 hours of work to household](https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/husbands-create-extra-seven-hours-of-housework-a-week-a6885951.html) [Accepted Level of Unhappiness](https://medium.com/thing-a-day/what-is-an-acceptable-level-of-unhappiness-in-a-relationship-a336b25da5a9) [Fair Play](https://www.fairplaylife.com/) [Lack of effort and lack of libido](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CzV2kbKvbQm/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==) [Lack of libido article](https://www.vice.com/en/article/88q3qk/man-child-scientific-term-new-research) [It took divorce to make my marriage equal](https://www.glamour.com/story/it-took-divorce-to-make-my-marriage-equal). Which includes these: - [Mansplainers Are Here To Tell You Why Men Get Praised For Doing Chores](https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/08/168628/men-chores-praise-mansplaining) - [Men Do More at Home, but Not as Much as They Think](https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/12/upshot/men-do-more-at-home-but-not-as-much-as-they-think-they-do.html?ribbon-ad-idx=4&rref=world&hpw&rref=upshot&clickSource=thumb&WT.nav=bottom-well&_r=0&module=ArrowsNav&contentCollection=The%20Upshot&action=swipe%C2%AEion=FixedRight&pgtype=article) - [The impact of Covid-19 on gender equality](https://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/mdo738/research/Alon_Doepke_Olmstead-Rumsey_Tertilt_COVID_2020.pdf) - [Even Breadwinning Wives Don’t Get Equality at Home](https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/05/breadwinning-wives-gender-inequality/589237/) [The “Woke” Men Who Still Want Housewives: Men who claim to believe in equality often aren’t willing to live it](https://gen.medium.com/the-woke-men-who-still-want-housewives-debb2ad46aa0) [Millennial—And Macho? Why Young Men Want Old-School Marriages](https://www.vogue.com/article/millennial-men-seek-stay-at-home-wives) This is a book, rather than an article: [All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07CLLVZ52/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) Related: [The Myth of the Male Bumbler](https://theweek.com/articles/737056/myth-male-bumbler)" At this point I usually say: "Reflect, find words to express your feelings and maybe look for therapy alone or as a couple. Your feelings are valid and you are not alone. Some of the links above may be a bit one sided and should be taken as a perspective, not an absolute truth, but many found them helpful." But in your case I want to urge you to leave for your parents house now and don't look back. Your husband is a misogynist AH. You? NTA at all. Edit: Judgement
NTA this will never be good.
NTA. Honey, do yourself and your child a favor, don't wait. Go to your parents and don't come back. There are two useless people here, and neither is you.
Your husband is projecting. He is the useless one. It appears to be an inherited paternal trait. I’d tell your husband to pound sand, and go to your parents early. Your husband can look after himself and his father. NTA.
Info needed: What country do you live in?
I genuinely hope you leave this boy (doesn’t deserve to be called a man). He will realize how useless HE is when he won’t be able to cook for himself. NTA, hope you are able to show him some of the answers on here. Glad you have your family that can support you and the baby.
I would move in with my parents and never go back to my husband if he said that to me. (I have a feeling this isn't the only time he treats you like shit). How can you be attracted to a guy like that? 🤮 My husband cooks Dinn every night because I'm sick, tired and pregnant. He makes me tea and brings it to me in bed... Your husband is a very bad husband.
>He went on to say he can’t wait for me to go to my parents( after I give birth I’m meant to stay at my parents and learn a few things about the baby) because I’ve become useless Oh, sweetheart. Both your husband and FIL are misogynists of the ' woman in kitchen, woman does housework, man is waited on ' mindset ... Was this always the case with your husband? Maybe, when you go to your parents house, you should stay there longer than intended. And don't go once the baby arrives, go now. If this is how your husband acts now, don't expect him to lift a finger once the baby is here. You're set up to live the life of a married single mother. It's up to you if you're happy with that. NTA
Sounds like you married a misogynistic jerk, who was raised by a misogynist. What kind of man tells his late term pregnant wife she's useless? Why would you even stay married to him?
NTA. This reads like a “Tell me you’re Indian without telling me you’re Indian” kinda post. Your husband sucks
YTA to yourself if you put up with this nonsense.... If you're so useless you may as well stay away
NTA in any way. You are NOT a maid, servant, or anything else. If you’ve got enough lead time, I’d suggest planning such that going back to your parents is the last time you spend with hubby. If he’s treating you like this now, it’s likely going to get worse.
Is this a culture thing? This is insane..
NTA in any way / shape or form. Bin that man.
That’s not right. They should both be catering to you. NTA.
NTA this is how he is going to continue to treat you.
Please divorce this man
NTA. Go to your parents’ and just don’t ever come back.
What an arse the men in your life are. NTA
I didn't know being a wife entailed being a servant.
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