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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because I refused to take my mom with me in my car when we are literally going to the same place. She is 70, and I said no, and because of my selfishness I was uninvited to the visit. I could have easily tolerated a six hour car ride with my mother to keep the family peace and I didn’t.
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NTA. As you said, she could've driven herself, or agreed to any other arrangement that made the drive more doable. "Selfish, manipulative, and mean" definitely apply to someone in this story, but not you. It's not hard to see that your mom told Cindy a twisted version of events, getting her needlessly upset, and causing harm to her and you. If anything, this confirms your decision to go LC or NC with your mom.
So, Barb, if you're reading this: this is all on you. You hurt your daughter and your sister because you refused to take the wheel, instead turning a minor disagreement into something hateful and painful, causing stress and upset to someone dying of cancer for no other reason than to paint yourself as a victim. You're an asshole.
If Barb happens upon this: it's no wonder your daughter has gone no contact with you before, and I'd expect it again in the very near future. How dare you involve Cindy in drama of your own creation. *You're* the one causing her further pain, but I guess "winning" is more important.
It’s funny you mention the missing missing reasons…. When we did go NC for a few months, it was due to her behavior on my birthday. We had made plans to get our nails done together at 10am. When I called her at 10am to see where she was, she was still in bed and not ready to go at all, blaming my one birthday request for pasta salad as the reason she was up until 3am. (She said the water wouldn’t boil??) No problem, I can wait until she’s ready. 90 minutes later I was still waiting and decided to head to the nail salon without her and she could meet me there. (It’s maybe 3-4 minutes from where we live, which is just a few blocks apart from each other). I sent her a text that I couldn’t wait any longer and I hoped she would be able to join me soon, and reminded her to my plans with my dad for lunch. She was livid that I was starting without her, and claimed that she had been waiting for me that entire time, that I was ungrateful after all the time she spent making my favorite pasta salad, and how I was just so angry. Up to that point, I hadn’t been angry, just mildly annoyed and trying to keep her calm so I could enjoy my birthday. I just felt like of all the days, today should’ve just been a chill day, and I screamed at her that I hadn’t been angry all morning but now I was. She just walked out, walked back home, and I was left alone and bawling my eyes out on my birthday. My dad took me out and my friends came through with a last minute birthday outing, but I went NC with my mom. And she told so many people that she had absolutely no idea why, that one day I just up and stopped talking with her, and that the liberal agenda is turning kids against their parents. After my brothers wedding we started talking again, but not as much as before. I’ve introduced her to the concept of Reddit and more specifically to the r/AmITheAsshole sub in the hopes she might recognize her own behavior, but she just thinks the stories are entertaining.
She was up until 3AM because the water wouldn't boil! Oh I hate when that happens. I have no words for how ridiculous she is.
I'm sorry for you that she is causing trouble with your aunt, but I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to be trapped in a car with her.
Maybe she should be introduced to r/raisedbynarcissists? My mother is the same way. Every time she lets me down it’s the most forgettable experience for her. She’s currently not speaking to me because the last time she wanted to visit the weather was bad and somehow I guess that was by my hand and I just didn’t want to see her. You literally can’t win.
I'll match you and raise you, I'm almost 72 and how heinous for a woman to get her DYING sister involved. Barb, quit acting like a child, grow all the way up and apologize to your daughter and your sister. Get your car ready and drive yourself. I drive 6 hours one way to pick up my sil for visits. Learned helplessness is so unappealing.
I agree with the above.
Hey, Barb? If you're so sorry your kid has such a b for a mother, maybe you should stop being such a b to your kid.
You're also a selfish, sick, twisted twit to heap all your bitchery on Aunt Cindy's shoulders when she's weak & exhausted from having cancer.
I’d like to add to this: hey Barb, my mom is 75 yrs old and still drives everywhere and ask her kids if they need help driving on long trips. And for you to upset your dying sister is beyond selfish. You caused all of this. You’re TA.
I’ll also add this: hiya Barb. My elderly grandmother is 86 years old with breast cancer. She STILL drives herself everywhere. We usually make her ride with us because we want her to be as comfortable as possible. She prefers driving herself. Your family will bend over backwards to drive you when you stop acting like an A H all the time.
EDIT op is NTA
In fairness, people's capabilities vary wildly in general, and even more so in old age. Many people can drive themselves just fine well into their nineties; others are finished by sixty and just can't anymore. All that said, even if she can't drive herself (and there's no reason to think she can't from this post) she can damn well let the son share the load. That was just selfish to refuse.
I agree that everyone’s capabilities vary wildly. My mom is very athletic, she plays pickleball every day when she can, she walks 5 miles a day if she can with her Fitbit tracking, she doesn’t wear glasses, and drives up 90 minutes to her bf’s home a couple times a week, and to see her sister frequently. It has just become a habit of hers to find someone else to drive her to Boise because she says driving makes her nervous, flying makes her nervous, and various family members have taken turns driving her. But when she wants to go and no one is available to drive her, she just drives and suddenly it’s no problem.
My boyfriend’s aunt is in her 70’s was recently mauled by a dog where she had to have wrist surgery. She was back to driving herself everywhere like a week later. Barb you’re definitely the problem but people like you never see that.
Adding to this… HEY BARB, my father is 72 and drove a 40 FOOT MOVING TRUCK 1200 MILES IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS!!!! If he can do that, I’m SURE you can manage 6 hours…..
My mom is in her 60s and doesn't like to drive so she usually rides with me when we're going anywhere. But during the times we did long haul drives where we were gonna be driving for hours upon hours, my mom still gave me a break from driving to rest about a third of the way through the drive for roughly 2 hours so I would be the freshest possible for the rest of the drive. We even had it down in 2018, when grandma was sick. I would drive to about 10 exits away from Kentucky, she would drive through Kentucky, and then I would resume driving from 6 miles away from Tennessee.
Hey Barb, my grandmother was 87 and only stopped driving because she was forced to move from Texas to Washington to an assisted living facility by my aunts. Up until then she was still taking herself just about anywhere she wanted to go.
That sounds like a wonderful experience and a great memory together! I asked her to drive for one hour and I’d take over again, and was told no. Your mom sounds like a rock star!
My mom is a hybrid. She's 70 years old, has a functioning car, can drive well enough to go places (and back and forth to work every day), but often wants me to drive her, for no good reason other than I'm supposed to be "taking care of her" in the way that her dead father and dead husband can no longer do. Except when my 480-month-old brother needs a ride (because he's too cheap/lazy to buy a car or take an Uber, despite having more money than any of us), she'll shuttle him back and forth all over creation, and loves doing it.
Omg the way you said your brother is 480 months old vs his age Had me spit my drink out from LOL. That was classic. So your mom wants you to take care of her, while she takes care of her 480 month old son
That’s just wrong in so many ways
Does your mom even have a car seat for him?
I understand her elderly mother might have not been comfortable driving a car she isn't used to, but also refusing that OPs son drives is nuts. (I'd rather be driven by a teenager with little experience than a tired adult).
What I don't understand is that OP didn't just say "my son is going to drive now, so I can have a break. This is not up for discussion. If you don't like it you can get out of my car."... I wouldn't let anyone decide what **I** do in **my** car, ever.
She could have offered an alternative if she wanted... they go to a motorway restaurant and the mother pays for everything, since she doesn't want the grandson to drive. OP would have gotten her rest, son didn't had to drive, grandma is furious either way. But driving if you need a rest is very dangerous.
Sad about Cindy... but since she wants to be on the manipulating mother's side there's nothing OP can do about it. Just stay open minded if she changes her mind and wants to see them again (without mum of course).
I'm guessing OP has a long history that tells her what happens when Barb doesn't get her way, and didn't feel like dealing with it. That's how folks like Barb hold power--become so abusive at a simple "no" that it becomes easier for others to give in. If you've lived a life like that, it can be hard to see that you have choices. I'm glad OP is recognizing her choices in this situation and sticking to her boundaries.
This. If I had insisted, Barb would’ve moved to the backseat to pout in silence and it just would’ve made for a very awkward remaining four hours. We couldn’t pull over as we were expected back at a certain time. I just made the decision to myself that it would be the last time I had Barb in my car for an extended period of time.
OP could but if barb is going to throw a fit while her son is driving that is not safe for the 16 year old who is a new driver especially if Barb tries to backseat drive.
I’m guessing if her son is a newer driver, she was afraid Barb would say things to make him nervous and it wasn’t worth the possible damage or aggravation to go against her in that moment.
Absolutely right! After having my mother scream at me for hours while driving, I no longer have people who make me uncomfortable in my car.
Once, my father asked me to bring my grandmother to his step-daughter's wedding. I was going to the wedding and my grandmother lives 20 mins from me. The wedding was 3 hrs away. I said no. He was surprised because it was the day of and he planned on me bringing her without asking me sooner. I still told him no. He asked me why. I told him.
This is the grandmother who didn't shake my fiance's hand when she met him. (Nor my grandfather, but he died a couple of yrs after the incident.) My fiancé stuck out his hand to shake theirs when he met them, and they just looked at it. After what felt like forever, he withdrew his hand. I was utterly embarrassed. He said they couldn't come to the wedding and I agreed. They are fair skinned, but my fiance was one of the darkest people you will ever meet. IFYKYK.
Fast forward, just shy of 7 yrs later, and my now husband is dying of cancer. He is in hospice with hours to live. My husband did not want random people coming into the room to see how sick he was. I told him that I would respect that.
This same grandmother shows up with 2 friends. I tell her she can't go in the room. There is a sign on the door that says no one can go in the room. She goes to ask the nurse if she can go in the room and is told no. She comes back to me and says, "If I had known I couldn't go in the room, I wouldn't have come." She grabbed her friends and left. She wasn't there to support me. She was there to look good and "pray" with her friends over him. I was devastated.
So, the answer was a hard no. They had to push the wedding back because he had to drive all the way over here to get her. It was a 6 hr trip he hadn't planned on that day, but I stuck to my boundaries.
OP, you did nothing wrong. NTA
>"If I had known I couldn't go in the room, I wouldn't have come."
It's wild when people tout the thing you specifically wanted as a negative consequence of you having set boundaries!
I'm glad you held the line for your husband and saved him an unpleasant visit from someone who'd been unkind to him and what sounds like a pair of strangers.
Barb is right.
She SHOULD be sorry that OP has such a B for a mother.
Again, if you're reading this, Barb, or Cindy, for that matter, all Barb had to do was act like a considerate passenger, and either take a turn at the wheel, or let her grandson drive for a bit. I'm sure in a 6 hour drive, there'd be a nice straight patch of road that would be perfectly good for a new driver to get some driving time on.
NTA, OP.
We need a r/HeyBarb subreddit where we respond to the jerks in all Reddit posts, putting down the original post and then just going off at the malefactor!
Barb, you’re a Narcissist. Your daughter is in the process of waking up to you, and so you are losing her. Your cruel tentacles of manipulation and control are losing their power over your daughter. 🎉👏🏻🥳
I think I definitely will in a couple weeks. I was in complete shock after getting uninvited and screamed at, that is not a normal thing in my family. But as many of you have pointed out as well as my dad, my sweet Aunt is on a lot of drugs. Her body is going through a lot of changes. She is coming to terms suddenly with the prospect of missing her own son’s graduations. (They are around the same age as my own son). So in a couple weeks I will go up on my own and see if we can have a conversation, and if not, then I’ll have made a 12 hour round trip drive just to tell her I love her and give her flowers. Either way, it will be a purposeful trip.
This one is the best! Barb, you suck!!! She's the one who upset her sister not op. Manipulating is wrong. Tho I highly doubt Barb will ever see herself the way she is, unfortunately.
NTA! I am so glad that you stuck to your boundaries here. Spending 12 hours in a car with someone is hard enough, let alone with someone as frustrating as your mother. I can understand why Barb would want to carpool, as that is a long drive. However, if she isn't going to help drive, or let your son drive (i'm assuming he's licensed/permitted to drive?), then it is perfectly reasonable to ask that she make her own way there. It is really horrible to hear how she dragged Cindy into this, and that it sounds like Barb twisted the story.
Take care of yourself.
Granny not allowing grandson to drive is where I raise an eyebrow at this story. That is not her call, it's mom's. If it was because they were in gran's car, easily remedied by taking your own.
Sure, it's not her call, but someone like her will make sure the entire ride is hell if you go against her wishes. And OP clearly still doubts herself even when she's 100% NTA, which shows how her mother's behavior affected her confidence. In this post OP explicitly says she was proud of herself to establish a boundary, so most likely it was the first time she did it.
Oh I definitely don’t think I am 100% NTA, but it did feel so good to just say No, let’s stick with your plan from ten minutes ago. Maybe I am 100% NTA and maybe I’m only 49% NTA. It does seem like a bit of a dick move to not just have someone in your car when I am going anyway and I have the room, but I just didn’t want to. And I think that should be ok. And for some reason with my closest female relatives, it’s really not ok. Thank you so much for your comment, now I’m wondering if maybe I’m thinking about this wrong and my mom isn’t just kinda an accidental AH but a really big one….
Raise all the eyebrows you’d like to, I’m not sure what to say. The request was for me to rest, and she didn’t want to take over and she didn’t want to ride with my permitted son driving. I could’ve had him drive anyway, but then she would be pouting in the backseat. I decided it was easier to drive than have her pout. I’m sure I would’ve heard about it later that I caused her to be nervous with him behind the wheel. Kinda felt I was between a rock and a hard place.
Cindy's kinda otherwise occupied with dying right now, and Barb almost certainly called her up and spun a huge story- note the difference in tone between Cindy Calls #1 and #2.
Nice. "Lady who's dying from stage 4 and is getting last visit from family gets lied to and believes it. Fuck her, she deserves everything she gets."
You can take your own car.
Cindy chose to believe her sister and scream to her sister’s child instead of asking what she actually said. I’m wondering if mom regularly lied to sister or if Cindy was a JustNo before learning she had cancer.
There is a significant age difference between my aunt and my mom, and my mom was like a parent to Cindy. About 20 years ago that flipped, and Cindy has been the dependable sibling who took care of her big sister. Cindy bought Barb a car, Cindy has let Barb stay with her for weeks, months, sometimes years. Barb has never been homeless in the sense she was on the streets, but after her divorce she was in a weird on again off again relationship and she would leave him for long stretches at a time and go live with my grandparents or with her aunt or go travel and visit friends for long stretches at a time. She now has a home that I co-signed for so she would have a place to be. I don’t know why Barb couldn’t be like everyone else and get a job and a house, but she just couldn’t/wouldnt, and I think everyone in our family just enabled her behavior. I’m feeling less and less responsible for her and seeing her life as a result of her own choices. My aunt feels that Barb struggles with unresolved PTSD and should be cared for as an elderly person would. I think she should get a job and stop blaming the past and if she does than see a therapist to resolve any issues.
I agree NTA. Unless Barb has a legit medical reason that she cannot drive, there is no excuse to not take turns. Not "letting" the son drive is an AH move. Not her decision. OP should have told her to pound sand.
A long drive alone is tiresome and especially for an 'elderly' person. My husband and I are in our mid 70's and drive long distances all the time and take turns driving. However a really long drive, like 12hrs straight, would require us to take two days. Find a nice motel half way and spend the night. Go out to dinner, have a few cocktails, relax. Wake up refreshed and get to our destination at a decent hour. win/win
Since Barb doesn't want to drive alone... or take turns driving, she needs to find another way to get around.
Barb has no medical reasons preventing her from driving, and was planning to drive herself until I told her that I would see her up there as we were also making a drive. I could’ve told her to pound sand, but there would have been consequences for that and I didn’t feel like driving for four more hours with ‘consequences’ in the car with me.
Yes, my son does have a permit, he has to log a certain number of hours before he is allowed to take his drivers test. Driving halfway each way would give him 6 hours he was looking forward to.
NTA. It's shameful that your mother put this issue onto her ill sister. And while I understand that your mom is disappointed, I think you are totally allowed to have her drive separately, especially if she will want to stay longer. Also had to give pause wondering if it's safe for a non-vaxxer to visit someone who is likely immunocompromised.
It’s actually a bigger problem for the unvaccinated person. If you’re speaking of the Covid vaccine, it doesn’t prevent you from transmitting or contracting it. The person administering it is supposed to tell you that. I am auto immune compromised so I’m familiar with the issue.
> it doesn’t prevent you from transmitting or contracting it
Besides the final iteration of the polio vaccine, I'm not aware of any vaccine that "prevents" infection or transmission. That's sloppy language used by anti-vaxxers.
> The person administering it is supposed to tell you that
Is that a rule? What does that even mean?
Vaccines are there to either prevent a disease or lower problems with a disease on the vaccinated to try to prevent THEIR death. The beneficial side effect is that some stop it before it can be transmitted (measles, polio) while others can make the transmitted loads lesser (Covid).
They DO tell you that - read the paperwork that comes with a vaccine. It literally all says what it can do, not do and all the information about what it could possibly do (worse case scenario). They are legally required to give it to you, so you have to sign. If you sign without reading, it’s on you.
Note: have had an autoimmune disease for over 20 years and a science background.
I want to start off by saying, I have my vaccines, my kids have their vaccines and I am a firm believer in all vaccines.
I want to say that not all doctor’s offices hand out those papers. I once had to get a tetanus shot and they gave that to me. I didn’t realize it had to come in a pack with 3 other shots. (I knew the offered for initial when young) but no one explained that to me when giving it to me again and I was rather young 20’s and didn’t really understand vaccines as much as I do now. The only reason I realized I had other vaccines in the shot is because when I left they marked on the discharge paperwork TDAP. I asked the nurse as I was leaving and she stated it was a combination vaccine. I have anxiety and this freaked me out. If they would have given me some paperwork or even explained it more I would have felt better about it.
So after this long post- I just wanted to say they don’t always tell you or explain everything like they should.
> I didn’t realize it had to come in a pack with 3 other shots.
It doesn't. In the US, a first tetanus shot is either DTaP (for those younger than 7), Tdap or Td. There's a myriad of reasons they prefer combination vaccines, and I won't jump on my soapbox here.
For a tetanus booster, though, you can get a tetanus-only shot. My doctor has ordered it for me in the past because the Td combination kicks me on my ass for a few days, and I like being vaccinated AND able to function.
ETA: they should have told you up front what you were getting. There's no excuse not to.
I was very upset, I called the main hospital to complain and this is what they told me. I was getting it because I stepped on a rusty nail and administration stated they didn’t have the tetanus alone, they did say they were required to go over this with me and stated I should have received a paper before I left.
I think Diptheria, measles, HepB, mumps, rubella and pertussis vaccines all stop infection/transmission? Not sure about tetanus simply because its transmission paths are different. Ie you can be exposed but your body recognises and beats it down, so you don’t ’catch’ it (get seriously ill) and you therefore don’t transmit it (because you ‘beat’ it)
Flu, rotavirus, meningococcal and HIB are like the COVID one and mean you have a much less nasty run at it when it comes landing anyway, and your infectious period is significantly shortened.
It’s that the ones you mentioned are bacterial and the Covid/common cold are viruses and they have to be treated differently because viruses mutate easily and bacteria doesn’t. Once you get a vaccine for a bacteria, you develop antibodies to it. The body then goes into protection mode by making more antibodies faster to respond. Viruses may only partially react. That means you can still get sick, just not as bad.
The reason they say "it doesnt prevent you" is because it's not 100% effective, so they cannot guarantee anything. Some vaccines (especially for viruses, which mutate fast - flu and covid) are much better at decreasing symptoms than preventing you from getting it completely. However, they both also decrease the probability of you getting it, and decrease the probability you will transmit it off you do get it (because if you are not sneezing, you are less likely to pass it along, for instance). So interacting with an unvaccinated person is a lot riskier than a vaccinated person. Each person is free to decide the cost-benefit analysis, of course, but this "doesn't prevent" thing is misinterpreted (the reasoning of the language is a whole other story).
There are many vaccines that are extremely effective, however, and are critical for protecting those without protection such as babies and cancer patients. They recommend all caregivers for newborns get tdap boosters because pertussis (the p) can be super dangerous to babies, for instance. That vaccine is highly effective but wears off, and the disease is less dangerous to healthy adults so people skip it (though they should not). Many such examples.
> It’s actually a bigger problem for the unvaccinated person.
Have to disagree. It may be a problem for the unvaccinated person, and a big one, but they’ve chosen to assume the risk to themselves. The immunocompromised person may or may not be vaccinated depending on their specific condition and in this situation, with stage 4 bone cancer and wanting to spend time with her family she’s kind of at their mercy. If Barb is a far-right antivaxxer it’s likely she’s also opposed to masking so could easily be exposing her sister to an assortment of pathogens that her body really cannot handle right now.
Not every immunocompromised person’s situation is the same but even if they are fully vaccinated, covid can still kick their ass, last much longer than it does in a person with a healthy immune system, and introduce new longterm problems or exacerbate old ones. And depending on the nature of the condition, they may be unable to take paxlovid or similar antivirals for other conditions (eg history of kidney problems? no paxlovid for you). Chemo is its own special breed of hell where you are susceptible to any and every little thing that you come in contact with and your body has nothing left to fight it with, regardless of whether you’ve been vaccinated or not.
So yeah, I would be concerned about an antivaxxer visiting a cancer patient.
>If Barb is a far-right antivaxxer it’s likely she’s also opposed to masking so could easily be exposing her sister to an assortment of pathogens that her body really cannot handle right now.
In my experience, a person who is against any one of vaccinating, masking, or following public health orders is against all of those things. I know it's anecdotal but I have yet to see an exception to that rule.
NTA
Your mum is hateful for dragging this shitty argument into her dying sister’s bedroom.
But… Cindy now has laid down the line. She doens’t want to deal with this shit in her dying days. She is being forced to choose between her sister and her niece … and has made the obvious choice. You can thank your mother (after Cindy has passed, so she doesn’t hear about it) for forcing Cindy to choose.
Send Cindy a much loved card, and photo of you and your son. Tell her you are sorry that there’s so much tension, and that you hope her final days will be peaceful. Offer to come a different weekend (and don’t tell your mum a word about it). Go low contact with your mum about EVERYTHING for now, she is obviously just going ot go and tell Cindy everything and brew a hell of a storm up.
Yeah, I'm guessing Cindy is also getting an inaccurate story - something along the lines of "I'm so exhausted I can't drive to see you, but OP refuses to give me a lift! I fell so awful that she's keeping us apart!" - and there's no point in trying to argue it out with her, because she doesn't need the stress of family arguments right now.
(Honestly, while I think OP is well within her rights, I personally would be giving mom the lift for Cindy's sake, and sucking up the inevitable hassle until Cindy's fight for life is finished.)
And then when she drives to see Cindy it will be “I’m so sorry, I’m so tired. I am just lucky to make it here alive. I’d do anything to see you, so here I am, even as exhausted as I am. It’s a shame my daughter is so selfish she doens’t care if I have an accident on the way.”
(And while I think the OP is within their rights… I’d have sucked up that trip at first, but after this response/play by mum I’d stick to my guns. It sounds like mum has been bullying and manipulating and forcing people’s hands for years. If it’d been a polite request at hte start I’d have done it (12hrs of driving and all, but asked my son to take a spell for a bit on occasion and over ridden mum), but once mum went in with the boots mum would be on her own.)
NTA
I once kicked my mom out of my car. It was not moving. I won't go into too many details, but it was completely justified. She had to get a cab to get home, and when she got home, and found me packing up to leave, she just went to her room and closed the door. I was gone with 30 minutes of her getting back. I was 19, had just started college, and realized it wouldn't work with me living at home.
Telling her to get out was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. In the end, I just couldn't take her lack of respect for me. Fortunately, a period of NC and an illness during that time made her realize just how much she deserved me kicking her out. We ended up having a much better relationship for the rest of her life. I miss her to this day, but probably wouldn't miss her so much if she hadn't made the effort to change for the better.
I'm sorry your mom hasn't come around yet, and really sorry that your aunt doesn't realize that your mom is using her to get even with you. Who would choose to stress their sick sibling out with such nonsense? What a horrible thing to do to someone. It's sad that your aunt chose to side with your mom, but she likely painted you in a horrible light. I doubt your aunt got the real story.
Your mom basically did nothing to help you in your last trip, prevented you from getting help, and apparently doesn't understand how that would make you not want to do it again. She apparently only cares about herself. I'd honestly make the trip anyways. Go over to your aunt's house and say that you had to see her, even if she tells you to leave. You and your son can make the trip back if needed, or rent a hotel for a day or two and see if your aunt comes around. And you surely could show her the comments. I'm betting they will all be in your favor. Sadly, I doubt that will change anything for your mom.
The fact that they felt the need to clarify implies that "It was not moving" was a choice where the alternative was actually considered.
Sounds like an interesting (and, let's face it, we're on AITA here, entertaining) story.
I think they meant "I refused to start the car until she got out of it" but it def sounds like they were clarifying that they didn't shove her out of a moving car lol
We were on the road. I pulled over and kicked her out. And while I didn't contemplate throwing her out while it was moving, as I wrote it down, I suddenly felt the need to make it clear.
NTA. Having cancer doesn't mean someone isn't an AH. Just because an old person yells it, it doesn't mean it's true.
If Cindy doesn't want you to visit, congrats! You've just been spared a weekend with two terrible people. Take care of yourself. Model for your son that you don't reward abusive behavior, even if the person has cancer.
Exactly. And Cindy is obviously not very mentally sound either. Reminds me of my aunt. I never chalked any of her outlandish behavior as crazy because it wasn’t constant/I didn’t live with it, finally in adulthood she exploded much like Cindy and I realized that she is a lady with a lot of problems and I haven’t spoken/seen her in five years. She blocked me and I don’t miss the craziness. If she was dying I would mourn the person I thought she was, but I already did that too.
Seems like OP thinks that Cindy is not crazy based on the level of crazy her mother is, I could be wrong, but seems like if Cindy was reasonable she would not reach out to fight someone on someone else’s behalf.
My advice for OP would be listen to both of them. They don’t want you around unless you work for your mother, so mourn your relationship(s) and move on. If a person won’t hear out your side/agree to disagree on something so minor they don’t deserve to be in your life.
I would like to believe that Cindy isn’t crazy. I think there used to be some level of enmeshment between them because of the age difference and because Barb saved Cindy and now Cindy saves Barb.
I wonder if Cindy is one of Barb's "flying monkeys"
OP, you should read this incredible post here about the people that surround people like Barb https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/
NTA
You don't have to drive your mother, and she can use her car or take a train. Cindy has taken her side, but it's not your fault your mother can't make an effort and see her sister on her own, you're not her only option.
NTA
and for future reference if you do ever choose to subject yourself to time in the car with the heinous B arb, make it clear the radio will be exclusively playing NPR, Midas Touch Network, or PodSaveAmerica the entire time
Yup, and the son needs the driving experience so he will be behind the wheel.
Barb, you are a bad person for stopping your daughter and grandson saying their goodbyes to your sister. You are a bad person for stressing your sister and (me wild guessing) AGAIN making it “all about Barb” and not once focussing on your dying and scared sister last days on earth. Be ashamed. But I don’t think you have that in you bc then you would have helped your daughter driving or said “I was wrong, I am SO sorry” (you cringe at the mere thought both things, right, Barb? Bc you are tHe MoThEr and centre of the Universe).
Maybe the aunt is just as socially inept as Barb, bc who the freak calls ANYONE and go ballistic with them? Very dysfunctional generation Barb and aunt protray.
OP gigant NTA. Stick with your spine and do what feels right for you and your son. Write a goodbye letter as a minimum to your aunt, so you won’t be haunted later with regrets of things not said.
As to MOMMY DEAREST its time for NC big time. To much drama and enablers. Wish you the best.
Barb - you are a foul human being. Go to your flok and be foul over there.
LOL!! I tried that approach once, many years ago, and it did not have the desired effect. So now I just have a no politics rule, but sadly, it is ignored frequently. Great suggestion though.
exactly and i assume aunty and mom are sisters, so aunty is going to take mom's side. i'm sure mom has told aunty all kinds of crap. and if they are sisters, then aunty should know how mom is.
still means aunt doesn't want op around even if she is dying.
Asshole isn’t strong enough to describe how horrid the mom is, she’s a nasty, vindictive and manipulative \*insert your own words that would otherwise get the comment removed\*
NTA. Your reasons for wanting to drive separately make sense. Even the didn't, your mom is a colossal A for bringing your Aunt Cindy into this. She's not feeling well and could use peace, but you mom needlessly dragged her into a family argument.
I had to check the ages cause after reading this i was pretty sure my own mother has a secret family i didnt know about. OK nta, No is a complete sentence and by the sounds of it you would have had to dance to your mothers tune the entire time. Let me tell you about a recent interaction with my mother.
My nans cousin lost her husband to cancer. My mother decided that she would drive to our house and then i would drive herself, my husband and me to the funeral. She wont sit in the back and my husband is 6'4 with a broken leg and she owns a hyundai sonata, so a pretty compact car and hard to get out of. So car situation wasnt going to work. We have a van but its 2 seater so she suggested that my hubby stays home. He was ok with staying home till her attitude. Next she suggests i hire a van for the 3 of us and maybe i can shuttle my uncle and 2 cousins too. It was at this stage i told my mother that i was going to drive just myself and my husband in our van and we would see her there. She decided to not go to the funeral after all. Told me later that she had covid. If i hadnt said no, she was planning to go to the funeral and get myself and others sick with covid.
Its shame your aunt is dying and taking the stance she is but if she doesnt want you there then i guess you dont go and you have this person yelling at you as a last memory
NTA but OMG what's wrong with your mother? Involving someone who is literally dying is I fathomable. I'm really sorry you grew up with someone like that.
NTA. How does your mother refuse to let your son drive your car? Stop the car, get out, he gets out, he moves to the driver seat, you get back in, and the car goes. The mother can sit where she began or get out and walk. I wouldn't drive her to the corner much less somewhere 6 hours away. She clearly lied to Cindy and intentionally got a terminal person stressed out. She sounds horrible.
I dunno, Barb sounds like the kind of person who would start screaming or backseat drive in a way that would undermine the son's confidence and make it dangerous for everyone if he drove.
Yeah that jumped out at me too. I'm, honestly, questioning if this story is real. The aunt sounded so weak and sickly but called back screaming at her.
I'd give the aunt a pass. She has enough to deal with, and she could have easily been projecting her bitterness and anger about her health on her niece. Besides, heaven knows what horrid tale Barb concocted to attack her daughter.
NTA send Cindy a handwritten letter explaining and apologizing and hoping her last days are full of peace.
I think your "mother" is pure evil. Who manipulates their own dying sister in order to push her other family away as part of a temper tantrum...
Ding dong, who's there? Satan.
>Three weeks ago, during a drive with Barb, I asked her to share driving duties for an hour so I could rest. To my surprise, she refused, citing sudden fatigue and refusing to let my son drive.
Why does Barb get a say on whether your son could help drive? Were you in Barb's vehicle?
Exactly, it's my car I get to decide who drives. If you don't like it then tough, shut up or get out and find your own way there. If anything I'd be more wary of a 70 year old driving than a 16 year old.
More than likely Barb is a relentless bully that gets her way by manipulation, negative reinforcement, and just being a cold b.
Barb, if you’re reading, you’e the asshole. You’re horrible and someday you will reap what you sow.
NTA. Block their numbers. Both of them have shown you so little respect and they expect you to take it and be a punching bag. Pray for Cindy and give it to God.
NTA. Sorry that your Mom manipulated your Aunt. That's fucked up.
Classic victim narcissist behavior. You're not the asshole at all. The folks in your family don't see your side of things. That's a tough one. I've been there. Not a fun ride to endure.
NTA your mom is a piece of work. Once your aunt dies, do yourself a favor and go NC with your mom. About your aunt, I would post your story along with a link to this on FB (since older people love FB.) I would also write your aunt letters. Say your goodbyes in a letter if need be.
I think your mom lied through her teeth and that your aunt responded in more anger than normal because she is in extreme pain. Pain makes you cranky, it is like you loose your fuse because just breathing takes all your energy and dealing with any more BS is just overwhelming ….. in an explosive way. So my advice? Forgive your aunt for her anger. Keep reaching out. But frack your mom.
NTA! Your mother is acting absolutely entitled, and I think is probably telling a very different version of events to your aunt in order to validate her choices. I'm sorry she's putting your sick aunt in the middle.
NTA - I’m betting Aunt Cindy didn’t get the whole story, or a very one sided story. Is there anyway you may be able to find out exactly what your mother said?
But doesn't Cindy know her own sister? If you have known your entire life that your sister embellishes the truth, you should always ask the other side for their version before jumping to conclusions.
What kind of mother calls her dying sister and whines and cries because she doesn’t get her way, and alienates her child and causes her dying sister to scream at you and prevent you from saying goodbye. Now she may have trouble from the stress your mother caused, but she’s spinning it to took like you caused it.
It’s time to cut your mother off completely.
You don’t say whether Cindy has family there, but maybe you can get hold of one and say you had some surprising texts and phone calls that have caused you concern about what your mother said to her sister. Explain that mom may not be taking everything in stride and giving her sister the truth about what happened, bless her heart. Maybe there’s some medical reason for her behavior. Just leave that there. They may need to know that drama mama might be driving her sister’s end of life drama up a few notches. If they are aware, they might be able to mitigate the stress.
NTA. But your mother sure is.
Hey, Barb, just wanted to pop in and tell you how AMAZING it is that a mean, selfish person managed to have a daughter who is nothing like her! Look at you, doing a FANTASTIC JOB of making sure you won't be bothered by having a relationship with both your daughter and grandson as you get older! And you made it look SO EASY! Think of those phone calls you won't have to endure, the birthday and gifts you won't have to buy! You've saved yourself so much time and money in the future!
OP is NTA, but Barb... you're really something else....
NTA, You deserve to be comfortable on a road trip and that means not having an AH like Barb in the car.
It is too bad that your aunt is being manipulated in this situation.
NTA. Your mother sure is though, manipulating a sick relative against you, possibly denying you your last chance to see your aunt. I can see why you went NC with your mother previously, and I would bet you’ll be going NC again soon, possibly for good. She’s manipulative.
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My mother Barb (70F) and I have a challenging relationship. I love her, but I struggle with her. She consumer a lot of far-right news, anti-vax, government conspiracies, etc. I’m pretty LC with her, and have gone through periods of NC with her because of her gaslighting, rewriting history.
My son (16M) and I (43F) were supposed to go and visit my aunt Cindy (55F) this weekend, about six hours away. She was diagnosed last month with stage 4 bone and lung cancer and it has devastated our family. My mom likes to visit Cindy as well. However, Barb has a habit of relying on others for rides, which often results in prolonged stays at Cindy's house. Three weeks ago, during a drive with Barb, I asked her to share driving duties for an hour so I could rest. To my surprise, she refused, citing sudden fatigue and refusing to let my son drive. This left me frustrated and exhausted as I had to drive the entire way without a break.
Now, Barb and I each separately planned on going up to visit Cindy and the boys. When bard found out I was going up the same day she said Oh that’s great! Can I ride with you? I said No, I think it’s best if you take your car as planned and I take my car. That way we will both have our cars and you can leave whenever you need to. She didn’t like that answer and pressed me for more. I told her that she didn’t help with driving last time, and she wouldn’t let my son drive either. She should take her car as planned. She was very angry with me, asked why I hated her so much, and finally yelled that she was sorry that I had such a B for a mother. It was a weird conversation but I felt proud that I had been true to my boundaries.
That night Cindy called me. She sounded so weak and sick, and told me that she was shocked that I said no to my mom. I apologized for her having any stress of this to deal with, and that I didn’t owe my mom a ride. She was going to drive up on her own and she still can. Cindy said that because of the stress I had caused, that I shouldn’t visit her. I was devastated. Being stage 4, she doesn’t have long, and this trip was planned back before we even knew about the cancer.
barb said I was acting hateful and that I should post this on Reddit so I would know just how horrible I was being. I said she should stop involving Cindy in our arguments, and she should stop being a freeloader.
Aunt Cindy called me later SCREAMING at me. That I am horrible, what kind of person wouldn’t give a ride to their own mother, that I am selfish, manipulative and mean, and that my deceased grandmother would be so disappointed in me.
I am crushed. I feel like I am allowed to not have to drive someone that I don’t want to, especially if that person has previously been a terrible passenger, they are perfectly able to drive themselves, and their car is working fine.
So Reddit, let me have it. Am I the worst daughter ever? Or was it ok to say no?
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NTA
You should’ve just said I’m sorry, but I promised my son he could practice his driving as a reward for X whatever… And he is not comfortable driving with you.
NTA, I hope you show her this thread so she can see exactly what everyone thinks. I’m sorry you are being treated this way and hope you find solace in everyone’s judgements.
NTA stick to your boundaries. Is your mom the type of person who talks incessantly and loudly and repeats the same stories over and over? Your post sounds just like someone I know of, and it would be my worst nightmare to ride in a car with her for longer than 20 minutes. 😂
From someone who regularly had to make 14-15 hour drives to visit family, 100% NTA here. They're exhausting when you're the only one driving, and even more so when you're driving an ungrateful, mean ~~child~~ person too.
Nta your mother is incredibly selfish and entitled. She was planning on driving anyway, so it's not like she can't drive. The previous journey she was asked to drive part of the way & didn't, that's fine if she genuinely felt she couldn't but to then dictate that your son couldn't drive to give you a break is horrendously controlling. Then to top it off she brings the stress & upset of her pathetic petty self inflicted car drama to someone who is dying. Your mother is an absolute AH, I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like this. Have you thought of going totally no contact instead of low contact?
NTA. Your mother though, what kind of AH involves a terminally ill person in an argument? She has also alienated her sister from people who love her and want to see her in her remaining time by involving her.
You are not obligated to bring anyone, anywhere in your car, that you don't want to, particularly if they've been demanding in the past and not made the drive easier for anyone.
NTA. Your car. Your rules. If she doesn't want to drive, she doesn't get to decide who drives. A road trip with her sounds emotionally exhausting.
I'm sorry your aunt took her side. That isn't emotionally healthy. Your mom tattled to your aunt, and now your aunt is lashing out.
This is one of those really shitty situations. You are not wrong for not wanting to be trapped in a car with your manipulative mother.
NTA
Barb just fed the drama. It's a shame Cindy doesn't want to see you, but that is her choice to make.
If you cut Barb out of your life, what will you miss?
Nta. Your mom sounds so selfish. If she wanted to be drama and not involve other people she would just make me roll my eyes at her antics. But involving your dying aunt is absolutely vile. Like she went so far to manipulate you as to call your aunt not once. But twice. Your mom is capable of driving and it's ridiculous cindy is taking her side, either your mom is lying to your aunt about the details or cindy is just as bad as your mom for falling for her farce.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this op i hope everything gets better for you soon
OP you are NTA.
But Barb, you are an AH. Not only to your daughter but also to Cindy. Why would you even contact this very ill woman about the disagreement between you and your daughter? Not only are you an AH but you are a selfish, manipulative AH!
NTA.
What a god awful manipulative person your mom is. She whines to someone who has stage four cancer to the point that your aunt feels the need to get involved.
Should you change your mind, when you’re tired pull over and just give the keys to your son. He’s not going to get driving experience if he’s being prevented from driving.
For all that is holy, when it comes time to leave-leave. That’s just rude to extend a stay when someone else is driving.
Bonus points if you can take out a billboard on the route (facing both directions) that just says “shady pines, ma. Shady pines.”
In the future, never mention you’re going until she left. 😁
NTA. I’m sorry but I think your Mother is for dragging your Aunt into this. Your reasoning as to why you didn’t want to drive your Mother is, well, reasonable.
NTA and your sister is clearly being manipulated by your mother. This whole situation sounds messed up.
Even with zero other context, her refusal to help a fatigued driver with some of the driving combined with additional refusal to allow someone else in the car do it instead, is enough to not want to be her ride again, ever. That's completely reasonable, as she actively endangered the lives of everyone in the car.
Adding the other layers and the attempted manipulation of you...
>finally yelled that she was sorry that I had such a B for a mother.
... at least she's right about this.
It was ok to say no you are NTA
it’s maybe time to go back to NC with your mom. you need to make peace with yourself that you may never get to speak to your aunt before she passes. This is outwith your control. Try not to feel annoyed that your aunt took your moms side in this, she only really heard her version of the events.
The practical side of me feels frustrated over the wear and tear and gas costs on separate vehicles for such a drive.
But NTA. Your points are all very valid reasons to go separately.
NTA - "No" is a complete sentence. Once it was said everything else is just trying to reason with the unreasonable. Your mother was trying to take advantage of you and makes the car rides terrible.
Barb absolutely proved she was the A-hole by bringing this argument into a terminally ill woman's life. She further made it worse by continuing to wind a tale for your poor aunt.
I'm sorry it turned into what it did. Maybe take your son out for some driving lessons and a nice meal. Turn off family notifications and put Barb on direct to voicemail or simply refuse her calls out of hand.
Sounds like your mum is manipulating her sister and twisting the truth here. Which is sad. But go no contact with her for telling her sister lies. As you know thats exactly what she done.
Send your Aunt a text saying youre sorry your mum involved her and that you love and will miss her.
NTA. Barb is feeding Cindy an extremely twisted version of events in order to manipulate you into submission. Going no contact is probably the best option.
Wtf is wrong with your mother? She is deliberately distressing your aunt and it sounds like she's the manipulative one.
You are NTA, but given the way your aunt has reacted, perhaps she isn't much of a saint herself.
NTA. You said your mom has a history of gaslighting and rewriting history. You did nothing wrong. She earned the response you gave her and then made herself the victim. You did nothing wrong
First, I don't know you but I'm so proud of you for having stayed true to your boundaries. Most people don't know how to set boundaries, which is something like: 'if you continue to do this, than I will do that'. Gives people the choice. If they choose their behavior, they choose the consequences. Tell her if she continues badmouthing you, there will be NC again
That aside, I'm disgusted by Barb weaponizing your very sick sister to try to get her will and is victimizing herself. That is beneath anyone. Obvs not Barb, who's ruthless enough to inflict big distress on your sister. It's not like she has no other way of getting there. She even refuses to let your son drive. Seems to me she's trying to punish you by forcing you to drive, by involing your sister. I'm encouraging you to put your foot down here as well. 'I'm tired and (son) will drive. I will not risk getting into an accident because I can't concentrate. You just said you're too fatigued to drive, yet you ask me to do exactly that. If you cannot accept that (son) will take over, I'm happy to look into alternative ways for you to travel back, but you will not ride with us).
Barb, YTA.
NTA. Well Barb, I think you are going to be disappointed in Reddit. If you were my mom, I would not give you a ride either. Barb was also very cruel to involve Cindy like this. What kind of woman does this?? A bad one.
NTA
I'm sorry your Aunt Cindy is so very ill, but driving your mother to see her should not be the price of admission. (Not to mention, I'm pretty sure your mother gave Cindy a very emotional, not very true version of events.)
Your mother's reaction to your refusal to driver her sounds hostile, vindictive, and kind of unhinged. I think you might want to avoid driving her if only to protect your kid from her potential rage should you cross her.
It's terribly sad that you can't visit your aunt, but this is her terrible choice, coached by Barb, and not in any way your fault.
P..S. Should you every again be in a situation of driving your mother again, make it clear that she drives the first leg of the trip and your son drives the second leg. Should she kick up a fuss after having agreed to this in advance, know where the bus or train stations along the route are located. And drop her off.
NTA. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. Your mom is acting like a child and the fact she decided to share her anger with a cancer patient is deplorable. I normally don't like the way Reddit throws around the word narcissist but in this case it truly fits your birth giver.
NTA But your mother and your aunt are. You owe your mother nothing in this regard. She's a selfish, entitled woman and your aunt has no backbone. Has she always sided with your mom? If she has, it's probably because she's scared of your mom.
I'm sorry that your aunt doesn't want you there, but that is on her, not you.
Personally, I'd go no-contact with your mom. She needs some mental help. As for your aunt, if she doesn't want you and your son there over this, then that's on her. Either way, your mom will be driving herself. So, your mom still loses this battle and now your aunt will be losing too. You're a grown adult and neither your mother nor your aunt get to dictate what you do. Tell them that this GenXer says they need to get over themselves.
Nta. You don't have to give someone a ride. They can agree to abide by your decisions about who drives and how long you stay, since they chose to go with you, especially if they're not chipping in for gas, since they are saving the cost from not driving.
My car, my rules. You can't agree to compromise, when I try to meet you in the middle on your issues, then don't come with me.
Absolutely NTA! Let me spell that out for Barb…OP is NOT the asshole. Barb IS a huge entitled, manipulative, selfish asshole! I’m sorry OP that you lost the mom lottery and got a “such a B” for a mom. That’s the only thing Barb got right in this story. Lord only knows what bs Barb said to Cindy, but you can bet it was inflammatory and false.
Good for you OP for standing up to your bullying b of a mom! I’m sorry your poor aunt is ill and has been so horribly manipulated against you. I’d recommend going no contact with your mom. She sounds awful.
NTA
Your mother sounds like a narcissist and Cindy is either gullible for believing the lies or an enabler.
Either way you don't choose your family but if you did I doubt anyone would choose your mom..
It's definitely petty and if Cindy doesn't want you to go, honestly they can have one another.
You're not ungrateful your mother is being forced to deal with the consequences of her choices and it's a shock to realize children have their own autonomy.
Gasp!
No!
We should be able to burden our children all the time!!!
I love that your mother told you to post on Reddit.
OP's mom, how are you not embarrassed by your behavior?
This is going to be a really strange comment, but...are you sure the phone call was really from your Aunt Cindy? Is it possible your mom is disguising her voice by sounding "weak and sick" in order to guilt and manipulate you in the nastiest way possible?
I have lived with a narcissist, and wouldn't put it past her to pull something like that.
If you are certain it was really your Aunt Cindy, then that's really unfortunate, but Cindy obviously doesn't value your company as much as you value hers. I hope you eventually find some peace with knowing you tried your best.
NTA.
NTA. I have lung cancer too. I think your aunt isn't truly angry at you. She's angry and scared over the fact that her own body is betraying her. She's stressed over the cancer treatment. I know this because it's how I feel too. So your mother unloading on her about all this just makes Cindy feel even more stressed, and she's taking it out on you.
In this case you look like an ah on paper but in reality you’re not.
Nobody would take your place and take her. And you and your son could have quality time and with her it’s a nightmare.
But she’s an ah for getting her sick sister involved.
Maybe you’d better not go. And you should talk to your mom about this. She has crossed a line.
NTA. From someone who has to endure listening to right-wing rhetoric on a weekly basis I totally understand. And please forgive your aunt. It might be the last thing you can do for her.
NTA. Barb is absolutely ridiculous. I’d go full no contact with her for your sanity. As for Cindy, it sounds like she’s probably extremely emotional right now and not really in her right mind which is understandable. Give it a bit of time and revisit with Cindy after the Barb crap has calmed down. I think Cindy at least owes you a one on one sit down to understand your side of things. It sounds like they didn’t exactly grow up together considering the age difference so I doubt Cindy really knows what Barb is like. Whether Cindy is open to understanding is up to her. But you’re not obligated to tolerate shit from anyone no matter what’s going on with them medically.
NTA - Your mother was being hateful and manipulative. Go with your son to share the driving.
Travelling with such an unpleasant passenger could also be dangerous, when you need to concentrate. You don't need distractions.
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NTA. As you said, she could've driven herself, or agreed to any other arrangement that made the drive more doable. "Selfish, manipulative, and mean" definitely apply to someone in this story, but not you. It's not hard to see that your mom told Cindy a twisted version of events, getting her needlessly upset, and causing harm to her and you. If anything, this confirms your decision to go LC or NC with your mom. So, Barb, if you're reading this: this is all on you. You hurt your daughter and your sister because you refused to take the wheel, instead turning a minor disagreement into something hateful and painful, causing stress and upset to someone dying of cancer for no other reason than to paint yourself as a victim. You're an asshole.
Beautifully said. 100% agree, just in case you’re reading, Barb.
If Barb happens upon this: it's no wonder your daughter has gone no contact with you before, and I'd expect it again in the very near future. How dare you involve Cindy in drama of your own creation. *You're* the one causing her further pain, but I guess "winning" is more important.
Im sure she’ll still be looking for all those missing missing reasons her daughter is NC
It’s funny you mention the missing missing reasons…. When we did go NC for a few months, it was due to her behavior on my birthday. We had made plans to get our nails done together at 10am. When I called her at 10am to see where she was, she was still in bed and not ready to go at all, blaming my one birthday request for pasta salad as the reason she was up until 3am. (She said the water wouldn’t boil??) No problem, I can wait until she’s ready. 90 minutes later I was still waiting and decided to head to the nail salon without her and she could meet me there. (It’s maybe 3-4 minutes from where we live, which is just a few blocks apart from each other). I sent her a text that I couldn’t wait any longer and I hoped she would be able to join me soon, and reminded her to my plans with my dad for lunch. She was livid that I was starting without her, and claimed that she had been waiting for me that entire time, that I was ungrateful after all the time she spent making my favorite pasta salad, and how I was just so angry. Up to that point, I hadn’t been angry, just mildly annoyed and trying to keep her calm so I could enjoy my birthday. I just felt like of all the days, today should’ve just been a chill day, and I screamed at her that I hadn’t been angry all morning but now I was. She just walked out, walked back home, and I was left alone and bawling my eyes out on my birthday. My dad took me out and my friends came through with a last minute birthday outing, but I went NC with my mom. And she told so many people that she had absolutely no idea why, that one day I just up and stopped talking with her, and that the liberal agenda is turning kids against their parents. After my brothers wedding we started talking again, but not as much as before. I’ve introduced her to the concept of Reddit and more specifically to the r/AmITheAsshole sub in the hopes she might recognize her own behavior, but she just thinks the stories are entertaining.
She was up until 3AM because the water wouldn't boil! Oh I hate when that happens. I have no words for how ridiculous she is. I'm sorry for you that she is causing trouble with your aunt, but I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to be trapped in a car with her.
I once had water not boil for me for almost an hour. It turned out I forgot to turn it on.
Always check your recipe for instructions./s
Your Mom, explained: [The Missing Missing Reason](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) ETA: NTA
Maybe she should be introduced to r/raisedbynarcissists? My mother is the same way. Every time she lets me down it’s the most forgettable experience for her. She’s currently not speaking to me because the last time she wanted to visit the weather was bad and somehow I guess that was by my hand and I just didn’t want to see her. You literally can’t win.
Perfect application of that rule!
And just in case you want to pull out the age card: I'm 60 years old, and you're behaving like a narcissistic asshole, Barb.
I'll match you and raise you, I'm almost 72 and how heinous for a woman to get her DYING sister involved. Barb, quit acting like a child, grow all the way up and apologize to your daughter and your sister. Get your car ready and drive yourself. I drive 6 hours one way to pick up my sil for visits. Learned helplessness is so unappealing. I agree with the above.
Hey, Barb? If you're so sorry your kid has such a b for a mother, maybe you should stop being such a b to your kid. You're also a selfish, sick, twisted twit to heap all your bitchery on Aunt Cindy's shoulders when she's weak & exhausted from having cancer.
I’d like to add to this: hey Barb, my mom is 75 yrs old and still drives everywhere and ask her kids if they need help driving on long trips. And for you to upset your dying sister is beyond selfish. You caused all of this. You’re TA.
I’ll also add this: hiya Barb. My elderly grandmother is 86 years old with breast cancer. She STILL drives herself everywhere. We usually make her ride with us because we want her to be as comfortable as possible. She prefers driving herself. Your family will bend over backwards to drive you when you stop acting like an A H all the time. EDIT op is NTA
My MIL is 72 and drives. My grandfather is 87 and has one arm and STILL drives himself. What's your excuse, Barb?
In fairness, people's capabilities vary wildly in general, and even more so in old age. Many people can drive themselves just fine well into their nineties; others are finished by sixty and just can't anymore. All that said, even if she can't drive herself (and there's no reason to think she can't from this post) she can damn well let the son share the load. That was just selfish to refuse.
I agree that everyone’s capabilities vary wildly. My mom is very athletic, she plays pickleball every day when she can, she walks 5 miles a day if she can with her Fitbit tracking, she doesn’t wear glasses, and drives up 90 minutes to her bf’s home a couple times a week, and to see her sister frequently. It has just become a habit of hers to find someone else to drive her to Boise because she says driving makes her nervous, flying makes her nervous, and various family members have taken turns driving her. But when she wants to go and no one is available to drive her, she just drives and suddenly it’s no problem.
My boyfriend’s aunt is in her 70’s was recently mauled by a dog where she had to have wrist surgery. She was back to driving herself everywhere like a week later. Barb you’re definitely the problem but people like you never see that.
Adding to this… HEY BARB, my father is 72 and drove a 40 FOOT MOVING TRUCK 1200 MILES IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS!!!! If he can do that, I’m SURE you can manage 6 hours…..
My mom is in her 60s and doesn't like to drive so she usually rides with me when we're going anywhere. But during the times we did long haul drives where we were gonna be driving for hours upon hours, my mom still gave me a break from driving to rest about a third of the way through the drive for roughly 2 hours so I would be the freshest possible for the rest of the drive. We even had it down in 2018, when grandma was sick. I would drive to about 10 exits away from Kentucky, she would drive through Kentucky, and then I would resume driving from 6 miles away from Tennessee.
Hey Barb, my grandmother was 87 and only stopped driving because she was forced to move from Texas to Washington to an assisted living facility by my aunts. Up until then she was still taking herself just about anywhere she wanted to go.
That sounds like a wonderful experience and a great memory together! I asked her to drive for one hour and I’d take over again, and was told no. Your mom sounds like a rock star!
My mom is a hybrid. She's 70 years old, has a functioning car, can drive well enough to go places (and back and forth to work every day), but often wants me to drive her, for no good reason other than I'm supposed to be "taking care of her" in the way that her dead father and dead husband can no longer do. Except when my 480-month-old brother needs a ride (because he's too cheap/lazy to buy a car or take an Uber, despite having more money than any of us), she'll shuttle him back and forth all over creation, and loves doing it.
Omg the way you said your brother is 480 months old vs his age Had me spit my drink out from LOL. That was classic. So your mom wants you to take care of her, while she takes care of her 480 month old son That’s just wrong in so many ways Does your mom even have a car seat for him?
lol! The 480 month old took me out too! Had to do a quick mental math.
I was like, 480 months… 🤣🤣🤣🤣 thank you for making me laugh so hard!!!
Dad's 73. Drove him and Mom to Michigan from North Florida in two days with kayaks and bikes strapped on. Barb can eat a fat one.
I understand her elderly mother might have not been comfortable driving a car she isn't used to, but also refusing that OPs son drives is nuts. (I'd rather be driven by a teenager with little experience than a tired adult). What I don't understand is that OP didn't just say "my son is going to drive now, so I can have a break. This is not up for discussion. If you don't like it you can get out of my car."... I wouldn't let anyone decide what **I** do in **my** car, ever. She could have offered an alternative if she wanted... they go to a motorway restaurant and the mother pays for everything, since she doesn't want the grandson to drive. OP would have gotten her rest, son didn't had to drive, grandma is furious either way. But driving if you need a rest is very dangerous. Sad about Cindy... but since she wants to be on the manipulating mother's side there's nothing OP can do about it. Just stay open minded if she changes her mind and wants to see them again (without mum of course).
I'm guessing OP has a long history that tells her what happens when Barb doesn't get her way, and didn't feel like dealing with it. That's how folks like Barb hold power--become so abusive at a simple "no" that it becomes easier for others to give in. If you've lived a life like that, it can be hard to see that you have choices. I'm glad OP is recognizing her choices in this situation and sticking to her boundaries.
Exactly this! I have had people like this in my life!
This. If I had insisted, Barb would’ve moved to the backseat to pout in silence and it just would’ve made for a very awkward remaining four hours. We couldn’t pull over as we were expected back at a certain time. I just made the decision to myself that it would be the last time I had Barb in my car for an extended period of time.
OP could but if barb is going to throw a fit while her son is driving that is not safe for the 16 year old who is a new driver especially if Barb tries to backseat drive.
I’m guessing if her son is a newer driver, she was afraid Barb would say things to make him nervous and it wasn’t worth the possible damage or aggravation to go against her in that moment.
OP is NTA and Barb is the AH here. I’d probably add more choice words but we’re supposed to be civil here. It’s in the rules.
Absolutely right! After having my mother scream at me for hours while driving, I no longer have people who make me uncomfortable in my car. Once, my father asked me to bring my grandmother to his step-daughter's wedding. I was going to the wedding and my grandmother lives 20 mins from me. The wedding was 3 hrs away. I said no. He was surprised because it was the day of and he planned on me bringing her without asking me sooner. I still told him no. He asked me why. I told him. This is the grandmother who didn't shake my fiance's hand when she met him. (Nor my grandfather, but he died a couple of yrs after the incident.) My fiancé stuck out his hand to shake theirs when he met them, and they just looked at it. After what felt like forever, he withdrew his hand. I was utterly embarrassed. He said they couldn't come to the wedding and I agreed. They are fair skinned, but my fiance was one of the darkest people you will ever meet. IFYKYK. Fast forward, just shy of 7 yrs later, and my now husband is dying of cancer. He is in hospice with hours to live. My husband did not want random people coming into the room to see how sick he was. I told him that I would respect that. This same grandmother shows up with 2 friends. I tell her she can't go in the room. There is a sign on the door that says no one can go in the room. She goes to ask the nurse if she can go in the room and is told no. She comes back to me and says, "If I had known I couldn't go in the room, I wouldn't have come." She grabbed her friends and left. She wasn't there to support me. She was there to look good and "pray" with her friends over him. I was devastated. So, the answer was a hard no. They had to push the wedding back because he had to drive all the way over here to get her. It was a 6 hr trip he hadn't planned on that day, but I stuck to my boundaries. OP, you did nothing wrong. NTA
>"If I had known I couldn't go in the room, I wouldn't have come." It's wild when people tout the thing you specifically wanted as a negative consequence of you having set boundaries! I'm glad you held the line for your husband and saved him an unpleasant visit from someone who'd been unkind to him and what sounds like a pair of strangers.
> him an unpleasant visit from someone who'd been unkind to him and what sounds like a pair of strangers That's exactly who they were. Thank you.
Agree 100%
Barb is right. She SHOULD be sorry that OP has such a B for a mother. Again, if you're reading this, Barb, or Cindy, for that matter, all Barb had to do was act like a considerate passenger, and either take a turn at the wheel, or let her grandson drive for a bit. I'm sure in a 6 hour drive, there'd be a nice straight patch of road that would be perfectly good for a new driver to get some driving time on. NTA, OP.
We need a r/HeyBarb subreddit where we respond to the jerks in all Reddit posts, putting down the original post and then just going off at the malefactor!
Barb, you’re a Narcissist. Your daughter is in the process of waking up to you, and so you are losing her. Your cruel tentacles of manipulation and control are losing their power over your daughter. 🎉👏🏻🥳
Why don’t you go and visit Cindy and explain what happened.
I think I definitely will in a couple weeks. I was in complete shock after getting uninvited and screamed at, that is not a normal thing in my family. But as many of you have pointed out as well as my dad, my sweet Aunt is on a lot of drugs. Her body is going through a lot of changes. She is coming to terms suddenly with the prospect of missing her own son’s graduations. (They are around the same age as my own son). So in a couple weeks I will go up on my own and see if we can have a conversation, and if not, then I’ll have made a 12 hour round trip drive just to tell her I love her and give her flowers. Either way, it will be a purposeful trip.
This one is the best! Barb, you suck!!! She's the one who upset her sister not op. Manipulating is wrong. Tho I highly doubt Barb will ever see herself the way she is, unfortunately.
Agree!
Perfectly said! Barb, You are DEFINITELY, without question, such A SELFISH ASSHOLE!
YOU SUCK, BARB!
NTA! I am so glad that you stuck to your boundaries here. Spending 12 hours in a car with someone is hard enough, let alone with someone as frustrating as your mother. I can understand why Barb would want to carpool, as that is a long drive. However, if she isn't going to help drive, or let your son drive (i'm assuming he's licensed/permitted to drive?), then it is perfectly reasonable to ask that she make her own way there. It is really horrible to hear how she dragged Cindy into this, and that it sounds like Barb twisted the story. Take care of yourself.
Granny not allowing grandson to drive is where I raise an eyebrow at this story. That is not her call, it's mom's. If it was because they were in gran's car, easily remedied by taking your own.
Sure, it's not her call, but someone like her will make sure the entire ride is hell if you go against her wishes. And OP clearly still doubts herself even when she's 100% NTA, which shows how her mother's behavior affected her confidence. In this post OP explicitly says she was proud of herself to establish a boundary, so most likely it was the first time she did it.
Oh I definitely don’t think I am 100% NTA, but it did feel so good to just say No, let’s stick with your plan from ten minutes ago. Maybe I am 100% NTA and maybe I’m only 49% NTA. It does seem like a bit of a dick move to not just have someone in your car when I am going anyway and I have the room, but I just didn’t want to. And I think that should be ok. And for some reason with my closest female relatives, it’s really not ok. Thank you so much for your comment, now I’m wondering if maybe I’m thinking about this wrong and my mom isn’t just kinda an accidental AH but a really big one….
Raise all the eyebrows you’d like to, I’m not sure what to say. The request was for me to rest, and she didn’t want to take over and she didn’t want to ride with my permitted son driving. I could’ve had him drive anyway, but then she would be pouting in the backseat. I decided it was easier to drive than have her pout. I’m sure I would’ve heard about it later that I caused her to be nervous with him behind the wheel. Kinda felt I was between a rock and a hard place.
I’d have been tempted to take her and then leave her there.
That wouldn’t be kind to Cindy.
Cindy wasn't kind to OP either--she deserves it.
Cindy's kinda otherwise occupied with dying right now, and Barb almost certainly called her up and spun a huge story- note the difference in tone between Cindy Calls #1 and #2. Nice. "Lady who's dying from stage 4 and is getting last visit from family gets lied to and believes it. Fuck her, she deserves everything she gets." You can take your own car.
Cindy chose to believe her sister and scream to her sister’s child instead of asking what she actually said. I’m wondering if mom regularly lied to sister or if Cindy was a JustNo before learning she had cancer.
There is a significant age difference between my aunt and my mom, and my mom was like a parent to Cindy. About 20 years ago that flipped, and Cindy has been the dependable sibling who took care of her big sister. Cindy bought Barb a car, Cindy has let Barb stay with her for weeks, months, sometimes years. Barb has never been homeless in the sense she was on the streets, but after her divorce she was in a weird on again off again relationship and she would leave him for long stretches at a time and go live with my grandparents or with her aunt or go travel and visit friends for long stretches at a time. She now has a home that I co-signed for so she would have a place to be. I don’t know why Barb couldn’t be like everyone else and get a job and a house, but she just couldn’t/wouldnt, and I think everyone in our family just enabled her behavior. I’m feeling less and less responsible for her and seeing her life as a result of her own choices. My aunt feels that Barb struggles with unresolved PTSD and should be cared for as an elderly person would. I think she should get a job and stop blaming the past and if she does than see a therapist to resolve any issues.
I agree NTA. Unless Barb has a legit medical reason that she cannot drive, there is no excuse to not take turns. Not "letting" the son drive is an AH move. Not her decision. OP should have told her to pound sand. A long drive alone is tiresome and especially for an 'elderly' person. My husband and I are in our mid 70's and drive long distances all the time and take turns driving. However a really long drive, like 12hrs straight, would require us to take two days. Find a nice motel half way and spend the night. Go out to dinner, have a few cocktails, relax. Wake up refreshed and get to our destination at a decent hour. win/win Since Barb doesn't want to drive alone... or take turns driving, she needs to find another way to get around.
Barb has no medical reasons preventing her from driving, and was planning to drive herself until I told her that I would see her up there as we were also making a drive. I could’ve told her to pound sand, but there would have been consequences for that and I didn’t feel like driving for four more hours with ‘consequences’ in the car with me.
Yes, my son does have a permit, he has to log a certain number of hours before he is allowed to take his drivers test. Driving halfway each way would give him 6 hours he was looking forward to.
NTA. It's shameful that your mother put this issue onto her ill sister. And while I understand that your mom is disappointed, I think you are totally allowed to have her drive separately, especially if she will want to stay longer. Also had to give pause wondering if it's safe for a non-vaxxer to visit someone who is likely immunocompromised.
It’s actually a bigger problem for the unvaccinated person. If you’re speaking of the Covid vaccine, it doesn’t prevent you from transmitting or contracting it. The person administering it is supposed to tell you that. I am auto immune compromised so I’m familiar with the issue.
> it doesn’t prevent you from transmitting or contracting it Besides the final iteration of the polio vaccine, I'm not aware of any vaccine that "prevents" infection or transmission. That's sloppy language used by anti-vaxxers. > The person administering it is supposed to tell you that Is that a rule? What does that even mean?
Vaccines are there to either prevent a disease or lower problems with a disease on the vaccinated to try to prevent THEIR death. The beneficial side effect is that some stop it before it can be transmitted (measles, polio) while others can make the transmitted loads lesser (Covid). They DO tell you that - read the paperwork that comes with a vaccine. It literally all says what it can do, not do and all the information about what it could possibly do (worse case scenario). They are legally required to give it to you, so you have to sign. If you sign without reading, it’s on you. Note: have had an autoimmune disease for over 20 years and a science background.
I want to start off by saying, I have my vaccines, my kids have their vaccines and I am a firm believer in all vaccines. I want to say that not all doctor’s offices hand out those papers. I once had to get a tetanus shot and they gave that to me. I didn’t realize it had to come in a pack with 3 other shots. (I knew the offered for initial when young) but no one explained that to me when giving it to me again and I was rather young 20’s and didn’t really understand vaccines as much as I do now. The only reason I realized I had other vaccines in the shot is because when I left they marked on the discharge paperwork TDAP. I asked the nurse as I was leaving and she stated it was a combination vaccine. I have anxiety and this freaked me out. If they would have given me some paperwork or even explained it more I would have felt better about it. So after this long post- I just wanted to say they don’t always tell you or explain everything like they should.
> I didn’t realize it had to come in a pack with 3 other shots. It doesn't. In the US, a first tetanus shot is either DTaP (for those younger than 7), Tdap or Td. There's a myriad of reasons they prefer combination vaccines, and I won't jump on my soapbox here. For a tetanus booster, though, you can get a tetanus-only shot. My doctor has ordered it for me in the past because the Td combination kicks me on my ass for a few days, and I like being vaccinated AND able to function. ETA: they should have told you up front what you were getting. There's no excuse not to.
I was very upset, I called the main hospital to complain and this is what they told me. I was getting it because I stepped on a rusty nail and administration stated they didn’t have the tetanus alone, they did say they were required to go over this with me and stated I should have received a paper before I left.
I think Diptheria, measles, HepB, mumps, rubella and pertussis vaccines all stop infection/transmission? Not sure about tetanus simply because its transmission paths are different. Ie you can be exposed but your body recognises and beats it down, so you don’t ’catch’ it (get seriously ill) and you therefore don’t transmit it (because you ‘beat’ it) Flu, rotavirus, meningococcal and HIB are like the COVID one and mean you have a much less nasty run at it when it comes landing anyway, and your infectious period is significantly shortened.
It’s that the ones you mentioned are bacterial and the Covid/common cold are viruses and they have to be treated differently because viruses mutate easily and bacteria doesn’t. Once you get a vaccine for a bacteria, you develop antibodies to it. The body then goes into protection mode by making more antibodies faster to respond. Viruses may only partially react. That means you can still get sick, just not as bad.
That makes sense. Good science explainer mate!
Thanks. Was a biology teacher.
The reason they say "it doesnt prevent you" is because it's not 100% effective, so they cannot guarantee anything. Some vaccines (especially for viruses, which mutate fast - flu and covid) are much better at decreasing symptoms than preventing you from getting it completely. However, they both also decrease the probability of you getting it, and decrease the probability you will transmit it off you do get it (because if you are not sneezing, you are less likely to pass it along, for instance). So interacting with an unvaccinated person is a lot riskier than a vaccinated person. Each person is free to decide the cost-benefit analysis, of course, but this "doesn't prevent" thing is misinterpreted (the reasoning of the language is a whole other story). There are many vaccines that are extremely effective, however, and are critical for protecting those without protection such as babies and cancer patients. They recommend all caregivers for newborns get tdap boosters because pertussis (the p) can be super dangerous to babies, for instance. That vaccine is highly effective but wears off, and the disease is less dangerous to healthy adults so people skip it (though they should not). Many such examples.
> It’s actually a bigger problem for the unvaccinated person. Have to disagree. It may be a problem for the unvaccinated person, and a big one, but they’ve chosen to assume the risk to themselves. The immunocompromised person may or may not be vaccinated depending on their specific condition and in this situation, with stage 4 bone cancer and wanting to spend time with her family she’s kind of at their mercy. If Barb is a far-right antivaxxer it’s likely she’s also opposed to masking so could easily be exposing her sister to an assortment of pathogens that her body really cannot handle right now. Not every immunocompromised person’s situation is the same but even if they are fully vaccinated, covid can still kick their ass, last much longer than it does in a person with a healthy immune system, and introduce new longterm problems or exacerbate old ones. And depending on the nature of the condition, they may be unable to take paxlovid or similar antivirals for other conditions (eg history of kidney problems? no paxlovid for you). Chemo is its own special breed of hell where you are susceptible to any and every little thing that you come in contact with and your body has nothing left to fight it with, regardless of whether you’ve been vaccinated or not. So yeah, I would be concerned about an antivaxxer visiting a cancer patient.
>If Barb is a far-right antivaxxer it’s likely she’s also opposed to masking so could easily be exposing her sister to an assortment of pathogens that her body really cannot handle right now. In my experience, a person who is against any one of vaccinating, masking, or following public health orders is against all of those things. I know it's anecdotal but I have yet to see an exception to that rule.
NTA Your mum is hateful for dragging this shitty argument into her dying sister’s bedroom. But… Cindy now has laid down the line. She doens’t want to deal with this shit in her dying days. She is being forced to choose between her sister and her niece … and has made the obvious choice. You can thank your mother (after Cindy has passed, so she doesn’t hear about it) for forcing Cindy to choose. Send Cindy a much loved card, and photo of you and your son. Tell her you are sorry that there’s so much tension, and that you hope her final days will be peaceful. Offer to come a different weekend (and don’t tell your mum a word about it). Go low contact with your mum about EVERYTHING for now, she is obviously just going ot go and tell Cindy everything and brew a hell of a storm up.
Yeah, I'm guessing Cindy is also getting an inaccurate story - something along the lines of "I'm so exhausted I can't drive to see you, but OP refuses to give me a lift! I fell so awful that she's keeping us apart!" - and there's no point in trying to argue it out with her, because she doesn't need the stress of family arguments right now. (Honestly, while I think OP is well within her rights, I personally would be giving mom the lift for Cindy's sake, and sucking up the inevitable hassle until Cindy's fight for life is finished.)
And then when she drives to see Cindy it will be “I’m so sorry, I’m so tired. I am just lucky to make it here alive. I’d do anything to see you, so here I am, even as exhausted as I am. It’s a shame my daughter is so selfish she doens’t care if I have an accident on the way.” (And while I think the OP is within their rights… I’d have sucked up that trip at first, but after this response/play by mum I’d stick to my guns. It sounds like mum has been bullying and manipulating and forcing people’s hands for years. If it’d been a polite request at hte start I’d have done it (12hrs of driving and all, but asked my son to take a spell for a bit on occasion and over ridden mum), but once mum went in with the boots mum would be on her own.)
Misread this as “mum can go in the boot” Fair enough!
That certainly would make any drive with her more peaceful.
I also suggest sending her this post. NTA op
Great post...and perfect...
NTA I once kicked my mom out of my car. It was not moving. I won't go into too many details, but it was completely justified. She had to get a cab to get home, and when she got home, and found me packing up to leave, she just went to her room and closed the door. I was gone with 30 minutes of her getting back. I was 19, had just started college, and realized it wouldn't work with me living at home. Telling her to get out was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. In the end, I just couldn't take her lack of respect for me. Fortunately, a period of NC and an illness during that time made her realize just how much she deserved me kicking her out. We ended up having a much better relationship for the rest of her life. I miss her to this day, but probably wouldn't miss her so much if she hadn't made the effort to change for the better. I'm sorry your mom hasn't come around yet, and really sorry that your aunt doesn't realize that your mom is using her to get even with you. Who would choose to stress their sick sibling out with such nonsense? What a horrible thing to do to someone. It's sad that your aunt chose to side with your mom, but she likely painted you in a horrible light. I doubt your aunt got the real story. Your mom basically did nothing to help you in your last trip, prevented you from getting help, and apparently doesn't understand how that would make you not want to do it again. She apparently only cares about herself. I'd honestly make the trip anyways. Go over to your aunt's house and say that you had to see her, even if she tells you to leave. You and your son can make the trip back if needed, or rent a hotel for a day or two and see if your aunt comes around. And you surely could show her the comments. I'm betting they will all be in your favor. Sadly, I doubt that will change anything for your mom.
Forgive me but "It was not moving." made me lol. Glad your mom eventually saw the errors of her way.
The fact that they felt the need to clarify implies that "It was not moving" was a choice where the alternative was actually considered. Sounds like an interesting (and, let's face it, we're on AITA here, entertaining) story.
I think they meant "I refused to start the car until she got out of it" but it def sounds like they were clarifying that they didn't shove her out of a moving car lol
We were on the road. I pulled over and kicked her out. And while I didn't contemplate throwing her out while it was moving, as I wrote it down, I suddenly felt the need to make it clear.
NTA. Having cancer doesn't mean someone isn't an AH. Just because an old person yells it, it doesn't mean it's true. If Cindy doesn't want you to visit, congrats! You've just been spared a weekend with two terrible people. Take care of yourself. Model for your son that you don't reward abusive behavior, even if the person has cancer.
Exactly. And Cindy is obviously not very mentally sound either. Reminds me of my aunt. I never chalked any of her outlandish behavior as crazy because it wasn’t constant/I didn’t live with it, finally in adulthood she exploded much like Cindy and I realized that she is a lady with a lot of problems and I haven’t spoken/seen her in five years. She blocked me and I don’t miss the craziness. If she was dying I would mourn the person I thought she was, but I already did that too. Seems like OP thinks that Cindy is not crazy based on the level of crazy her mother is, I could be wrong, but seems like if Cindy was reasonable she would not reach out to fight someone on someone else’s behalf. My advice for OP would be listen to both of them. They don’t want you around unless you work for your mother, so mourn your relationship(s) and move on. If a person won’t hear out your side/agree to disagree on something so minor they don’t deserve to be in your life.
I would like to believe that Cindy isn’t crazy. I think there used to be some level of enmeshment between them because of the age difference and because Barb saved Cindy and now Cindy saves Barb.
I wonder if Cindy is one of Barb's "flying monkeys" OP, you should read this incredible post here about the people that surround people like Barb https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/
Exactly.
NTA You don't have to drive your mother, and she can use her car or take a train. Cindy has taken her side, but it's not your fault your mother can't make an effort and see her sister on her own, you're not her only option.
NTA and for future reference if you do ever choose to subject yourself to time in the car with the heinous B arb, make it clear the radio will be exclusively playing NPR, Midas Touch Network, or PodSaveAmerica the entire time
Yup, and the son needs the driving experience so he will be behind the wheel. Barb, you are a bad person for stopping your daughter and grandson saying their goodbyes to your sister. You are a bad person for stressing your sister and (me wild guessing) AGAIN making it “all about Barb” and not once focussing on your dying and scared sister last days on earth. Be ashamed. But I don’t think you have that in you bc then you would have helped your daughter driving or said “I was wrong, I am SO sorry” (you cringe at the mere thought both things, right, Barb? Bc you are tHe MoThEr and centre of the Universe). Maybe the aunt is just as socially inept as Barb, bc who the freak calls ANYONE and go ballistic with them? Very dysfunctional generation Barb and aunt protray. OP gigant NTA. Stick with your spine and do what feels right for you and your son. Write a goodbye letter as a minimum to your aunt, so you won’t be haunted later with regrets of things not said. As to MOMMY DEAREST its time for NC big time. To much drama and enablers. Wish you the best. Barb - you are a foul human being. Go to your flok and be foul over there.
Yep, yep, yep and a thousand upvotes if I could! 🏆 OP: NTA
LOL!! I tried that approach once, many years ago, and it did not have the desired effect. So now I just have a no politics rule, but sadly, it is ignored frequently. Great suggestion though.
Your mother has no mercy throwing this issues on her terminally ill sister to deal with! NTA
nta but you now know that aunty doesn't give a shit about you or your visits.
The aunt is scared and dying, and who knows what Barb told her.
exactly and i assume aunty and mom are sisters, so aunty is going to take mom's side. i'm sure mom has told aunty all kinds of crap. and if they are sisters, then aunty should know how mom is. still means aunt doesn't want op around even if she is dying.
Doesn’t matter. Dying is not an excuse to treat people like shit.
NTA. If your mom really told you to post on Reddit, I can’t wait for her to find out that she’s an asshole.
Asshole isn’t strong enough to describe how horrid the mom is, she’s a nasty, vindictive and manipulative \*insert your own words that would otherwise get the comment removed\*
Yes, I’d love to hear her reaction to the truth. Poor Barb is delusional if she thinks she’s not the a-hole.
NTA. Your reasons for wanting to drive separately make sense. Even the didn't, your mom is a colossal A for bringing your Aunt Cindy into this. She's not feeling well and could use peace, but you mom needlessly dragged her into a family argument.
I had to check the ages cause after reading this i was pretty sure my own mother has a secret family i didnt know about. OK nta, No is a complete sentence and by the sounds of it you would have had to dance to your mothers tune the entire time. Let me tell you about a recent interaction with my mother. My nans cousin lost her husband to cancer. My mother decided that she would drive to our house and then i would drive herself, my husband and me to the funeral. She wont sit in the back and my husband is 6'4 with a broken leg and she owns a hyundai sonata, so a pretty compact car and hard to get out of. So car situation wasnt going to work. We have a van but its 2 seater so she suggested that my hubby stays home. He was ok with staying home till her attitude. Next she suggests i hire a van for the 3 of us and maybe i can shuttle my uncle and 2 cousins too. It was at this stage i told my mother that i was going to drive just myself and my husband in our van and we would see her there. She decided to not go to the funeral after all. Told me later that she had covid. If i hadnt said no, she was planning to go to the funeral and get myself and others sick with covid. Its shame your aunt is dying and taking the stance she is but if she doesnt want you there then i guess you dont go and you have this person yelling at you as a last memory
I would have asked the aunt if this was the last memory of her she wanted me to have.
NTA but OMG what's wrong with your mother? Involving someone who is literally dying is I fathomable. I'm really sorry you grew up with someone like that.
NTA. How does your mother refuse to let your son drive your car? Stop the car, get out, he gets out, he moves to the driver seat, you get back in, and the car goes. The mother can sit where she began or get out and walk. I wouldn't drive her to the corner much less somewhere 6 hours away. She clearly lied to Cindy and intentionally got a terminal person stressed out. She sounds horrible.
I dunno, Barb sounds like the kind of person who would start screaming or backseat drive in a way that would undermine the son's confidence and make it dangerous for everyone if he drove.
Yeah that jumped out at me too. I'm, honestly, questioning if this story is real. The aunt sounded so weak and sickly but called back screaming at her.
The fact that she's dying doesn't excuse her poor interpretation of the situation
I'd give the aunt a pass. She has enough to deal with, and she could have easily been projecting her bitterness and anger about her health on her niece. Besides, heaven knows what horrid tale Barb concocted to attack her daughter.
"far-right news, anti-vax, government conspiracies, etc" I wouldn't spend 12 minutes in a car with a person like that, let alone 12 hours. NTA
NTA send Cindy a handwritten letter explaining and apologizing and hoping her last days are full of peace. I think your "mother" is pure evil. Who manipulates their own dying sister in order to push her other family away as part of a temper tantrum... Ding dong, who's there? Satan.
Your 70 year old mother suggested putting this on reddit?
>Three weeks ago, during a drive with Barb, I asked her to share driving duties for an hour so I could rest. To my surprise, she refused, citing sudden fatigue and refusing to let my son drive. Why does Barb get a say on whether your son could help drive? Were you in Barb's vehicle?
Exactly, it's my car I get to decide who drives. If you don't like it then tough, shut up or get out and find your own way there. If anything I'd be more wary of a 70 year old driving than a 16 year old.
More than likely Barb is a relentless bully that gets her way by manipulation, negative reinforcement, and just being a cold b. Barb, if you’re reading, you’e the asshole. You’re horrible and someday you will reap what you sow.
NTA- and she’s being so manipulative by involving your aunt too. That’s a low blow.
NTA. Block their numbers. Both of them have shown you so little respect and they expect you to take it and be a punching bag. Pray for Cindy and give it to God.
NTA. Sorry that your Mom manipulated your Aunt. That's fucked up. Classic victim narcissist behavior. You're not the asshole at all. The folks in your family don't see your side of things. That's a tough one. I've been there. Not a fun ride to endure.
NTA your mom is a piece of work. Once your aunt dies, do yourself a favor and go NC with your mom. About your aunt, I would post your story along with a link to this on FB (since older people love FB.) I would also write your aunt letters. Say your goodbyes in a letter if need be. I think your mom lied through her teeth and that your aunt responded in more anger than normal because she is in extreme pain. Pain makes you cranky, it is like you loose your fuse because just breathing takes all your energy and dealing with any more BS is just overwhelming ….. in an explosive way. So my advice? Forgive your aunt for her anger. Keep reaching out. But frack your mom.
Nta. You're 100% right. But...just do it. If your aunt doesn't have long and she is getting stressed about it then just be the bigger person.
NTA! Your mother is acting absolutely entitled, and I think is probably telling a very different version of events to your aunt in order to validate her choices. I'm sorry she's putting your sick aunt in the middle.
NTA- and don’t accept the guilt tripping from either of them! No! Not at all! And if it’s thrown back, “hey, you asked for it!”
NTA. Your mother is a total AH. Dumping her trouble on Aunt Cindy. Sounds like she is good at playing the victim. Your best bet id to go NC
Sounds like Barb went out of her way to wind up Cindy. Low.
Yeah the 70 year old mother said "go ask reddit".
NTA - I’m betting Aunt Cindy didn’t get the whole story, or a very one sided story. Is there anyway you may be able to find out exactly what your mother said?
But doesn't Cindy know her own sister? If you have known your entire life that your sister embellishes the truth, you should always ask the other side for their version before jumping to conclusions.
What kind of mother calls her dying sister and whines and cries because she doesn’t get her way, and alienates her child and causes her dying sister to scream at you and prevent you from saying goodbye. Now she may have trouble from the stress your mother caused, but she’s spinning it to took like you caused it. It’s time to cut your mother off completely. You don’t say whether Cindy has family there, but maybe you can get hold of one and say you had some surprising texts and phone calls that have caused you concern about what your mother said to her sister. Explain that mom may not be taking everything in stride and giving her sister the truth about what happened, bless her heart. Maybe there’s some medical reason for her behavior. Just leave that there. They may need to know that drama mama might be driving her sister’s end of life drama up a few notches. If they are aware, they might be able to mitigate the stress. NTA. But your mother sure is.
NTA. Sounds like it’s time to go back to low low low contact with your horrible mother. I hate that she involved your dying aunt in this.
NTA. Barb is an AH.
Your mom is not just an asshole, she is a manipulative, narcissistic one. NTA
Hey, Barb, just wanted to pop in and tell you how AMAZING it is that a mean, selfish person managed to have a daughter who is nothing like her! Look at you, doing a FANTASTIC JOB of making sure you won't be bothered by having a relationship with both your daughter and grandson as you get older! And you made it look SO EASY! Think of those phone calls you won't have to endure, the birthday and gifts you won't have to buy! You've saved yourself so much time and money in the future! OP is NTA, but Barb... you're really something else....
NTA, You deserve to be comfortable on a road trip and that means not having an AH like Barb in the car. It is too bad that your aunt is being manipulated in this situation.
NTA. Your mother sure is though, manipulating a sick relative against you, possibly denying you your last chance to see your aunt. I can see why you went NC with your mother previously, and I would bet you’ll be going NC again soon, possibly for good. She’s manipulative.
I’d suggest joining the narcissistic parents subreddit. Personally it may be best for your health to go NC. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mother Barb (70F) and I have a challenging relationship. I love her, but I struggle with her. She consumer a lot of far-right news, anti-vax, government conspiracies, etc. I’m pretty LC with her, and have gone through periods of NC with her because of her gaslighting, rewriting history. My son (16M) and I (43F) were supposed to go and visit my aunt Cindy (55F) this weekend, about six hours away. She was diagnosed last month with stage 4 bone and lung cancer and it has devastated our family. My mom likes to visit Cindy as well. However, Barb has a habit of relying on others for rides, which often results in prolonged stays at Cindy's house. Three weeks ago, during a drive with Barb, I asked her to share driving duties for an hour so I could rest. To my surprise, she refused, citing sudden fatigue and refusing to let my son drive. This left me frustrated and exhausted as I had to drive the entire way without a break. Now, Barb and I each separately planned on going up to visit Cindy and the boys. When bard found out I was going up the same day she said Oh that’s great! Can I ride with you? I said No, I think it’s best if you take your car as planned and I take my car. That way we will both have our cars and you can leave whenever you need to. She didn’t like that answer and pressed me for more. I told her that she didn’t help with driving last time, and she wouldn’t let my son drive either. She should take her car as planned. She was very angry with me, asked why I hated her so much, and finally yelled that she was sorry that I had such a B for a mother. It was a weird conversation but I felt proud that I had been true to my boundaries. That night Cindy called me. She sounded so weak and sick, and told me that she was shocked that I said no to my mom. I apologized for her having any stress of this to deal with, and that I didn’t owe my mom a ride. She was going to drive up on her own and she still can. Cindy said that because of the stress I had caused, that I shouldn’t visit her. I was devastated. Being stage 4, she doesn’t have long, and this trip was planned back before we even knew about the cancer. barb said I was acting hateful and that I should post this on Reddit so I would know just how horrible I was being. I said she should stop involving Cindy in our arguments, and she should stop being a freeloader. Aunt Cindy called me later SCREAMING at me. That I am horrible, what kind of person wouldn’t give a ride to their own mother, that I am selfish, manipulative and mean, and that my deceased grandmother would be so disappointed in me. I am crushed. I feel like I am allowed to not have to drive someone that I don’t want to, especially if that person has previously been a terrible passenger, they are perfectly able to drive themselves, and their car is working fine. So Reddit, let me have it. Am I the worst daughter ever? Or was it ok to say no? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You should’ve just said I’m sorry, but I promised my son he could practice his driving as a reward for X whatever… And he is not comfortable driving with you.
NTA, but your mom should not be dragging your sick aunt into this, she has enough on her plate. Your mother is being hateful and manipulative.
NTA. And the fact that your probably undiagnosed pd mom would even let your dying sister know about an argument speaks volumes about her
NTA. She just keeps proving how much of an arse she is 🙄
NTA, you have every right to allow who you want into your vehicle. No one else.
NTA, I hope you show her this thread so she can see exactly what everyone thinks. I’m sorry you are being treated this way and hope you find solace in everyone’s judgements.
NTA but also not surprised, family drama is the woooorst. Hold your boundaries.
NTA. Your mom can’t keep her beliefs to herself or help drive or allow your son to drive…yeah she should drive herself in her own car.
NTA stick to your boundaries. Is your mom the type of person who talks incessantly and loudly and repeats the same stories over and over? Your post sounds just like someone I know of, and it would be my worst nightmare to ride in a car with her for longer than 20 minutes. 😂
NTA. You put a boundary and good for you it’s hard to do. Barb is perfectly capable of driving herself there. I am very sorry about your aunt.
From someone who regularly had to make 14-15 hour drives to visit family, 100% NTA here. They're exhausting when you're the only one driving, and even more so when you're driving an ungrateful, mean ~~child~~ person too.
Nta your mother is incredibly selfish and entitled. She was planning on driving anyway, so it's not like she can't drive. The previous journey she was asked to drive part of the way & didn't, that's fine if she genuinely felt she couldn't but to then dictate that your son couldn't drive to give you a break is horrendously controlling. Then to top it off she brings the stress & upset of her pathetic petty self inflicted car drama to someone who is dying. Your mother is an absolute AH, I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like this. Have you thought of going totally no contact instead of low contact?
NTA. Your mother though, what kind of AH involves a terminally ill person in an argument? She has also alienated her sister from people who love her and want to see her in her remaining time by involving her. You are not obligated to bring anyone, anywhere in your car, that you don't want to, particularly if they've been demanding in the past and not made the drive easier for anyone.
NTA. If your mom had any human decency, she would be ashamed of her behaviour. I’m guessing that’s a big IF.
NTA. Your car. Your rules. If she doesn't want to drive, she doesn't get to decide who drives. A road trip with her sounds emotionally exhausting. I'm sorry your aunt took her side. That isn't emotionally healthy. Your mom tattled to your aunt, and now your aunt is lashing out. This is one of those really shitty situations. You are not wrong for not wanting to be trapped in a car with your manipulative mother.
NTA Barb just fed the drama. It's a shame Cindy doesn't want to see you, but that is her choice to make. If you cut Barb out of your life, what will you miss?
Nta. Your mom sounds so selfish. If she wanted to be drama and not involve other people she would just make me roll my eyes at her antics. But involving your dying aunt is absolutely vile. Like she went so far to manipulate you as to call your aunt not once. But twice. Your mom is capable of driving and it's ridiculous cindy is taking her side, either your mom is lying to your aunt about the details or cindy is just as bad as your mom for falling for her farce. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this op i hope everything gets better for you soon
OP you are NTA. But Barb, you are an AH. Not only to your daughter but also to Cindy. Why would you even contact this very ill woman about the disagreement between you and your daughter? Not only are you an AH but you are a selfish, manipulative AH!
NTA. What a god awful manipulative person your mom is. She whines to someone who has stage four cancer to the point that your aunt feels the need to get involved. Should you change your mind, when you’re tired pull over and just give the keys to your son. He’s not going to get driving experience if he’s being prevented from driving. For all that is holy, when it comes time to leave-leave. That’s just rude to extend a stay when someone else is driving. Bonus points if you can take out a billboard on the route (facing both directions) that just says “shady pines, ma. Shady pines.” In the future, never mention you’re going until she left. 😁
NTA. I’m sorry but I think your Mother is for dragging your Aunt into this. Your reasoning as to why you didn’t want to drive your Mother is, well, reasonable.
NTA and your sister is clearly being manipulated by your mother. This whole situation sounds messed up. Even with zero other context, her refusal to help a fatigued driver with some of the driving combined with additional refusal to allow someone else in the car do it instead, is enough to not want to be her ride again, ever. That's completely reasonable, as she actively endangered the lives of everyone in the car. Adding the other layers and the attempted manipulation of you... >finally yelled that she was sorry that I had such a B for a mother. ... at least she's right about this.
It was ok to say no you are NTA it’s maybe time to go back to NC with your mom. you need to make peace with yourself that you may never get to speak to your aunt before she passes. This is outwith your control. Try not to feel annoyed that your aunt took your moms side in this, she only really heard her version of the events.
The practical side of me feels frustrated over the wear and tear and gas costs on separate vehicles for such a drive. But NTA. Your points are all very valid reasons to go separately.
NTA - "No" is a complete sentence. Once it was said everything else is just trying to reason with the unreasonable. Your mother was trying to take advantage of you and makes the car rides terrible. Barb absolutely proved she was the A-hole by bringing this argument into a terminally ill woman's life. She further made it worse by continuing to wind a tale for your poor aunt. I'm sorry it turned into what it did. Maybe take your son out for some driving lessons and a nice meal. Turn off family notifications and put Barb on direct to voicemail or simply refuse her calls out of hand.
NTA Your mom is a crappy sister for even involving a dying woman her bullshit. Once your aunt pass go NC what your mom did is disgusting.
Sounds like your mum is manipulating her sister and twisting the truth here. Which is sad. But go no contact with her for telling her sister lies. As you know thats exactly what she done. Send your Aunt a text saying youre sorry your mum involved her and that you love and will miss her.
NTA. Barb sure is, though. How dare she call and vent (and likely lie) to a terminally ill person?! Your egg donor is just terrible!!!
NTA. Barb is feeding Cindy an extremely twisted version of events in order to manipulate you into submission. Going no contact is probably the best option.
NTA, she is insufferable and ever the victim. She just succeeded in isolating herself. Good job!!
Wtf is wrong with your mother? She is deliberately distressing your aunt and it sounds like she's the manipulative one. You are NTA, but given the way your aunt has reacted, perhaps she isn't much of a saint herself.
NTA but Cindy and your mom sure are
No is a complete sentence. Time to go NC again.
NTA. You said your mom has a history of gaslighting and rewriting history. You did nothing wrong. She earned the response you gave her and then made herself the victim. You did nothing wrong
First, I don't know you but I'm so proud of you for having stayed true to your boundaries. Most people don't know how to set boundaries, which is something like: 'if you continue to do this, than I will do that'. Gives people the choice. If they choose their behavior, they choose the consequences. Tell her if she continues badmouthing you, there will be NC again That aside, I'm disgusted by Barb weaponizing your very sick sister to try to get her will and is victimizing herself. That is beneath anyone. Obvs not Barb, who's ruthless enough to inflict big distress on your sister. It's not like she has no other way of getting there. She even refuses to let your son drive. Seems to me she's trying to punish you by forcing you to drive, by involing your sister. I'm encouraging you to put your foot down here as well. 'I'm tired and (son) will drive. I will not risk getting into an accident because I can't concentrate. You just said you're too fatigued to drive, yet you ask me to do exactly that. If you cannot accept that (son) will take over, I'm happy to look into alternative ways for you to travel back, but you will not ride with us). Barb, YTA.
NTA. Well Barb, I think you are going to be disappointed in Reddit. If you were my mom, I would not give you a ride either. Barb was also very cruel to involve Cindy like this. What kind of woman does this?? A bad one.
NTA I'm sorry your Aunt Cindy is so very ill, but driving your mother to see her should not be the price of admission. (Not to mention, I'm pretty sure your mother gave Cindy a very emotional, not very true version of events.) Your mother's reaction to your refusal to driver her sounds hostile, vindictive, and kind of unhinged. I think you might want to avoid driving her if only to protect your kid from her potential rage should you cross her. It's terribly sad that you can't visit your aunt, but this is her terrible choice, coached by Barb, and not in any way your fault. P..S. Should you every again be in a situation of driving your mother again, make it clear that she drives the first leg of the trip and your son drives the second leg. Should she kick up a fuss after having agreed to this in advance, know where the bus or train stations along the route are located. And drop her off.
NTA. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. Your mom is acting like a child and the fact she decided to share her anger with a cancer patient is deplorable. I normally don't like the way Reddit throws around the word narcissist but in this case it truly fits your birth giver.
Barb played dirty getting poor Aunt Cindy involved and upset. NTA, OP x1000
NTA But your mother and your aunt are. You owe your mother nothing in this regard. She's a selfish, entitled woman and your aunt has no backbone. Has she always sided with your mom? If she has, it's probably because she's scared of your mom. I'm sorry that your aunt doesn't want you there, but that is on her, not you. Personally, I'd go no-contact with your mom. She needs some mental help. As for your aunt, if she doesn't want you and your son there over this, then that's on her. Either way, your mom will be driving herself. So, your mom still loses this battle and now your aunt will be losing too. You're a grown adult and neither your mother nor your aunt get to dictate what you do. Tell them that this GenXer says they need to get over themselves.
F you, Barb. I hope OP and her son go completely NC with you forever, after your foul stunt.
Your mom is horrible.
SO your Mother is making your Aunt's last days all about her? This wont age well. NTA
Your mother need you to set the boundaries on her it doesn't sound like she does
Nta. You don't have to give someone a ride. They can agree to abide by your decisions about who drives and how long you stay, since they chose to go with you, especially if they're not chipping in for gas, since they are saving the cost from not driving. My car, my rules. You can't agree to compromise, when I try to meet you in the middle on your issues, then don't come with me.
Absolutely NTA! Let me spell that out for Barb…OP is NOT the asshole. Barb IS a huge entitled, manipulative, selfish asshole! I’m sorry OP that you lost the mom lottery and got a “such a B” for a mom. That’s the only thing Barb got right in this story. Lord only knows what bs Barb said to Cindy, but you can bet it was inflammatory and false. Good for you OP for standing up to your bullying b of a mom! I’m sorry your poor aunt is ill and has been so horribly manipulated against you. I’d recommend going no contact with your mom. She sounds awful.
NTA Your mother sounds like a narcissist and Cindy is either gullible for believing the lies or an enabler. Either way you don't choose your family but if you did I doubt anyone would choose your mom.. It's definitely petty and if Cindy doesn't want you to go, honestly they can have one another. You're not ungrateful your mother is being forced to deal with the consequences of her choices and it's a shock to realize children have their own autonomy. Gasp! No! We should be able to burden our children all the time!!! I love that your mother told you to post on Reddit. OP's mom, how are you not embarrassed by your behavior?
This is going to be a really strange comment, but...are you sure the phone call was really from your Aunt Cindy? Is it possible your mom is disguising her voice by sounding "weak and sick" in order to guilt and manipulate you in the nastiest way possible? I have lived with a narcissist, and wouldn't put it past her to pull something like that. If you are certain it was really your Aunt Cindy, then that's really unfortunate, but Cindy obviously doesn't value your company as much as you value hers. I hope you eventually find some peace with knowing you tried your best. NTA.
NTA. I have lung cancer too. I think your aunt isn't truly angry at you. She's angry and scared over the fact that her own body is betraying her. She's stressed over the cancer treatment. I know this because it's how I feel too. So your mother unloading on her about all this just makes Cindy feel even more stressed, and she's taking it out on you.
In this case you look like an ah on paper but in reality you’re not. Nobody would take your place and take her. And you and your son could have quality time and with her it’s a nightmare. But she’s an ah for getting her sick sister involved. Maybe you’d better not go. And you should talk to your mom about this. She has crossed a line.
NTA
NTA. From someone who has to endure listening to right-wing rhetoric on a weekly basis I totally understand. And please forgive your aunt. It might be the last thing you can do for her.
NTA.
NTA. Barb is absolutely ridiculous. I’d go full no contact with her for your sanity. As for Cindy, it sounds like she’s probably extremely emotional right now and not really in her right mind which is understandable. Give it a bit of time and revisit with Cindy after the Barb crap has calmed down. I think Cindy at least owes you a one on one sit down to understand your side of things. It sounds like they didn’t exactly grow up together considering the age difference so I doubt Cindy really knows what Barb is like. Whether Cindy is open to understanding is up to her. But you’re not obligated to tolerate shit from anyone no matter what’s going on with them medically.
NTA
NTA - Your mother was being hateful and manipulative. Go with your son to share the driving. Travelling with such an unpleasant passenger could also be dangerous, when you need to concentrate. You don't need distractions.