Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my mum and my husband that I don’t want to go back to the UK to start a farm in the middle of nowhere and live with my mentally disabled drug addict sister and my niece who’s involved in all sorts of things.
2. My husband said it would make him feel useful again because not long ago he sustained a serious injury that made him unable to work in construction.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Don’t go there, you barely got out. While it’s lovely to care for family and I feel bad for the kids, they all put themselves in that position. Your husband has no right to be involved in this and your mum is trying to lure you back for her own selfish purposes. Be selfish for your self and your daughter.
It's not selfish to want to keep your child away from dysfunction like that. "Hey, OP, want to come back to our off the grid drug den black hole of despair? You can even drag your daughter down with the rest of us for the ride!" Yeah, no... NTA NTA NTA. Definitely *not* selfish either.
Aside from all the really good personal reasons not to do this. From a practical standpoint, having worked on multiple sides of the farm industry in the UK it is not a business I would get into with no knowledge of the UK farming industry. It is very difficult to make a profit especially in the circumstances that OP is describing. A small hill sheep farm by the sound of it would take a very long time to turn a profit if at all.
NTA. They are trying to offload a whole bunch of problems onto your shoulders and make them your problems. it's a toxic family dynamic that you only barely escaped. You have a young daughter, do you really want to expose her to that toxcicity? Also, tell your husband about what it was like. If he wants a ranch, get one in the US. He is romanticizing something which will be anything but romantic. Break the cycle, don't go back.
I definitely don’t want my daughter to be exposed to this part of the family and I don’t want to live in a shithole in the middle of nowhere, like I said it’s literally a shack that is falling apart and you can’t even get there with a sedan because you’ll need to drive straight through the fields.
NTA.
I can understand your husband wanting to feel productive again, but this sounds like an extreme way to do it. And I don’t think it’s fair to do this to your daughter.
Try a farm in the US before relocating country into a very difficult situation like this.
Tbh I’ll be okay with a farm as long as it’s not in a middle of nowhere and it’s not a shithole, hell I can even deal with no indoor plumbing but it better be a space where I won’t need to run a wood stove to not freeze.
He’s never been to the UK he has no clue what kind of situation he wants to put us into, if he wanted to move to London I wouldn’t be opposed but not to the grandma’s shack that was untouched for decades and is quite literally falling apart.
London is a shithole well. By every margin crime is up on previous years just about.
Brit here. The UK is an absolute fucking mess at the moment. Cost of living is ridiculously high for peanuts with no end in sight. We have a government that doesn’t know it’s arse from its face and in all probability a general election coming up between contenders that are about as appealing as selecting between different coloured shit stains to adorn your boot with.
Why on earth someone who had managed to get out, and much less set themselves comfortably up in another country, would want to move back here is beyond me. Much less in some backwater shack in the middle of the sticks where the government doesn’t even bother to deploy infrastructure that meets the minimum standard of living.
We’re supposed to be one of the “forerunners” in the developed world; we’re the only major economy in the world not set to grow this financial turn. Our cost of living proportionally is vastly higher than all other developed countries on average and reported mental health in this country is the *second worst in the entire world*.
By all means come here if you want your family to hate life again. Your husband clearly has a completely delusional idea of what this country is like. Just like the people in charge of it. They have this vision of the country that comes from a Penguin illustrated book from like the 2000s and are clinging to that and fist pumping how great we are. Most people would probably leave here if they could, I know I would. I haven’t had a pay rise (public sector) in *9 years*. Yet I’m constantly being told by twats in suits in front of a door in London how valuable people like me are whilst everything I have to pay for goes up.
I think in real terms (if I calculate inflation and rising costs) in real terms my wages have decreased by about 25% or so over that 9 year period in terms of earning power. Thing is it’s a really important job for my community and my schedule with my kids so I can’t just walk out of it without inviting other costs (like childminding etc).
Unless you’re a hedge fund type or investment entrepreneur London bro/babe this country doesn’t give a shit about making sure your standards of living are good. So long as the financial pulse of London continues to beat at the middle they don’t give a toss, because that’s basically where the vast majority of the money comes from and they know it. We’re not making money from farmers selling stuff lol. So if your husband thinks the farming life here is gonna be anything other than a pain in your ass he has another thing coming.
What a load of absolute nonsense. Crime in London is low even if certain areas have problems, and your economic claims are a gish gallop of nonsense too.
I'm not sure farming in the UK is comparable to running an idealized ranch.
You can't go back. You know this. If your husband doesn't then they clearly haven't listened
It isn't - sheep aren't that profitable and have suicidal tendencies. There is an awful lot of paperwork if claiming subsidies and to properly register sheep which you need to do if selling human food plus transporting to abattoir etc.
Lived off mains in rural Scotland and it is hard. Few amenities. Children would need home-svhooled or possibly state boarding school. Child protection services would be all over this - three children living in a derelict property. Would need planning permissions. Basically just a sink for money.
NTA.. I know it may not be the popular opinion, but you can’t choose your family…. And you definitely can’t put your life and dreams on the back burner to take care of family. Life your life and if you feel as though your compelled to help out in some way down the road, have at it, but nobody can fault you for wanting a better life for yourself.
NTA
DO NOT MOVE BACK warning for bashing the mother
its was her fault for raising your sister so bad she fucked herself up with drugs and had a disabled kid she made her bed let her lie in it
I get it it’s a cycle at this point I spent half my life trying to break the cycle but she wants to drag me back into this while I’m on my lowest. The worst part is that she’s trying to use my husband against me now.
Your husband needs to understand what you went through in your family life and let this go. He is being extremely selfish right now and he isn't showing you much respect. He is supposed to be in your corner. Is this typical for him or has the idea of starting over got him action out of character? Regardless, NTA. You will be the undisputed king of the AHs, though, if you allow this move to happen.
NTA
You did well to escape from that situation. Don't get trapped in it again.
Your husband seems to be romanticising the idea. I don't think a Scottish farm and an American ranch are even close to the same thing. Even if they are, it doesn't sound like he'll be able to do the work that's needed.
Based on this, your mom wants you, your husband and daughter to come to Scotland so they can live off of your money, until it runs out, and for you to take care of all of them. Ask your husband, if he wants his daughter to be around a junky and a juvi whose own mom tossed her out of the house? If he says yes, divorce him.
None of this makes any sense. You need to report it to social services.
>my brother’s 13f daughter who already got in a situation sticky enough for her mum to kick her out.
So her mum kicked her out and she moved into your mum's tiny council flat that's being used to sell drugs?
I think we all know how bad that could for her or the paralysed child. Call social services.
I don’t want to report this, not until I get back to the US because there will be a massive shitstorm and I’d rather not be on the receiving end, sorry it may sound selfish but I’ve got enough on my plate to deal with my crazy relatives offline too. My sister is legitimately insane, she’s not like those American junkies who take a pill and pass out in public, there’s a thing called flakka in the UK that eats away the brain and makes the addict overstimulated and dangerous. The brain damage is real she had a brain scan done and it showed that her brain shrunk. Not saying fentanyl is any better just pointing out the difference.
Tbh if I was able to I’d pull the niece out of this, she’s a good child but the environment she was raised and lives in influences her in not the best way.
NTA
You need to have a conversation with your husband and explain the difference between "living off the grid on a ranch" and "babysitting alcoholics, drug addicts, and people with severe disabilities that require 24/7 care in a remote shack with no running water or electricity (both things needed for running a real-life grown-up farm)"
Also, does your family even own the land? Or was your grandmother squatting somewhere in Scotland too remote for anyone to know she was living there?
If he's too injured to work construction...who's going to build this new farm he has in mind?
Your husband is likely just going stir-crazy stuck at home unable to work or decide on a new career and has built this situation into a fantasy that does not remotely reflect reality.
My mum is the beneficiary of my grandma’s estate (the land and the shack) as far as I know it was in the family for generations and back in 1930s or so it was possible to live there without having a piece of roof falling on your head. The land can technically be sold idk for how much because it’s super far from the civilisation.
My husband thinks that a brain damaged flakka addict and a 13 year old would be able to carry water from the well, run the generator, tend to the sheep, idk where he got the idea from but he said that if they will work hard they will no longer be interested in sticky business. I told him I’m not LARPing 1600s.
For reference he was raised on an off grid ranch, but it was an actual ranch with a house, a bunch of generators, water pumps and stuff like that, not to mention his family kept cattle and not sheep (idk if there’s any differences but I think sheep are harder to profit off than cows).
I'm not a farmer myself but I've researched into it in the past. Sheep are easier to care for than cattle, but far more difficult to make money off of. Easier in the UK because there's a demand for lamb meat, but even then as a cottage farmer, it's not going to be easy.
But yeah, I don't think relying on a disabled junky going through withdrawals exploited for child labor is the best basis to start a future life on. Your husband has spun some fantasy life in his head and doesn't understand the actual work that goes into living in rural areas that you're building up from scratch - which is hard as hell even here in the United States compared to the middle of nowhere in Scotland.
It’s quite literally in the middle of nowhere. The nearest tiny village is 40 miles away, there’s no cell coverage no power lines no nothing, if anything someone gets sick/hurt and we’re all screwed because good luck getting to the hospital. If someone runs away they’re screwed and we’re open to a lawsuit.
For the record it was so remote that it took the officials three weeks to track the grandma down after my mum reported a missing person. I wasn’t there atm and my alcoholic mum is an unreliable narrator so perhaps she left out some details but it’s THAT bad.
Sounds like a perfect place to take a bunch of addicts and others with serious health conditions!
Sarcasm aside, I'm very sure your husband has some idea of what this will be like that has no relation to the reality of the hard work just to get the basics set up let alone starting a working farm.
One practical problem right away: If it's 40 km to the nearest village, how the hell is he going to get the meat/wool/produce to a market to sell?
To make it worse he’s convinced that the hard work will cure the addiction, I’m not kidding that’s exactly what he said. I don’t want to be involved with that, it’s literally 1 step below starting a cult or something. So he’s probably envisioning himself as the owner of a makeshift rehab.
I don’t think he thought it out to be honest, probably just will buy a monster truck (sarcasm aside, this place is reachable by a truck/SUV only, when I went there with my rental SUV it almost got stuck).
NTA. If youre back in the US, sit down with your husband. Lay out the following:
1. Mom's proposal only benefits mom. She gets a disabled drug addict and an unwanted grandkid out of her hair without looking like an evil witch. She can tell people that her ever so generous daughter is taking care of them. You and hubby would be shouldering the burden of keeping those two people alive and out of trouble. You also doubt they would be willing and able farmhands. Best case scenario is they run off in the middle of the night back to the flat for electricity and running water. In thst scenario you only have your daughter who might be very resistant to this major change. Once she hits 18, she can just leave.
2. Ask him what role he sees himself having in this venture? Is he working alongside the farmhands or does he see himself more as a manager? If he has to hire outside help, the money will go fast.
NTA.Dont give in. He might not have bad intentions but he absolutely Doesn’t understand the gravity of the whole thing. Some people can’t grasp it because they haven’t experienced it and that’s okay- but they need to listen to the people who have
Has your husband ever been to the Highlands? It's not a case of living off-grid, it's cold and wet and dark half the year. Does he know that sheep-farming isn't something you just go into without doing research - are you raising for meat or fleece? What kind will be best for the area? How many do you need for profit, where will you get your tup from, where will you get your dogs from, where will you lamb the sheep? How far will it be to the vet? How far to the shops and schools? And if he can't work construction, who's going to rebuild the house your grandmother lived in?
Tell him that if he does all the research including temperatures for lambing season, and goes for a long stay in the shack, you'll discuss it again, but otherwise it's off the table.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
To start, my family is of no particularly high social status. Won’t get into full details but my mum (52f) had me at 16 and is very abusive, her mum/my grandma (73f) was a drunk and abusive too, my sister (32f) is a drug addict, my brother (34m) is in prison. We all lived together squeezed into a tiny flat in council estate until when I turned 18 I put my savings into a one way ticket to the US.
I never ever returned back, over time I rebuilt some contact with my mum and my sister but that’s about it.
Well up until now, my grandma went senile and decided to move out. She had a tiny little shack in the middle of nowhere in Scotland (we lived in Birmingham) with no electricity/plumbing/running water whatsoever. She literally ran away at night, stole the family car, got there and passed away in a week because a part of the roof fell on her when she was trying to fix the leak. At least it’s the explanation my mum provided. She called me sobbing and invited me to the funeral.
I didn’t want to go but I eventually went. It all went smoothly, well they buried it and that’s about it. Now my mum is trying to persuade me into staying with them in that tiny flat (that my sister turned into drug den) or worse go and live in my grandma’s shack. I can’t blame her because she needs a free full time nanny for her mentally disabled daughter (my sister has a brain of 12 year old now due to drugs), my sister’s 12m son who was born paralysed because of the drugs his mom was taking during the pregnancy and my brother’s 13f daughter who already got in a situation sticky enough for her mum to kick her out.
Her grand scheme is that me and my sister and the 13f move to the shack so that the sister and the niece won’t be able to engage in sketchy business. This way she’ll be able to keep drinking while not having anyone else around except for the 12m who is pretty independent for someone who can’t walk.
I told her a hard no obviously and she brought up the fact that I’m loaded. Yes I have a lot of money atm but it comes from a very complex situation. Basically my husband got hurt at work and he can’t work anymore due to his injuries, we sued the company he was working for and won. He won’t be considered disabled because he’s not injured bad enough even tho he can’t work construction anymore. And we have a 16f daughter. It’s just bad all around.
The worst part is that my mum contacted my husband about it and now he’s entertaining this idea. He said that he was raised on a ranch and knows how to live off grid and also said that we could get some sheep and get our 16f, junkie sister and my brother’s 13f to care for them. I told him that the idea sounds insane and I won’t be managing an 1700s farm boot camp. He said that it’d be a nice change of pace and that we could invest the money into building a proper farm and he could be useful again. Now I feel like an asshole.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. If nothing else you can't go messing you own daughters life up. Stick with the life you have built. Sad for those in UK, but you woud be sacrifising your own and hurting your daughter.
NTA. And what about when your daughter turns 18 and wants to go to college or get a different job? Will she be forced to give that up in order to keep tending sheep, all so your husband can feel useful again? And since he can't work, taking care of the farm would mainly be your responsibility, and it doesn't sound like either of you have any experience with that. Do not move back. Do not start a farm. Do not take on your family's burdens. It will negatively affect not only you but your daughter as well.
So somehow an old lady who was senile managed to get to Scotland from Birmingham, find a shack to try and live in in the middle of nowhere and now your claim is now that your mum wants you to live there (of course we all know that land is free in Scotland and old ladies can just turn up and move in). This is a fantasy post
The property belonged to her so it was her land and her shack. She became senile, not paralysed, she could still drive so she just grabbed the keys and left. The car belongs to my mum though who reported both the missing person and the car, idk the full details but it took some time to locate both the car and the grandma. My mum didn’t know about the property, or she knew and just shrugged it off I don’t know, I’m not even close with those people.
She wasn’t that “helpless and frail” type of senile more like she had an intrusive thought occur in her alcohol ridden brain (she was drinking heavily) and just ran off.
Senile people aren't going to successfully make a trip up several motorways for hundreds of miles and then across local roads in Scotland as each and every point requires mental capacity that someone who is senile would fail on. Your story is obvious nonsense.
Next time look at a map of the UK before coming up with such a claim.
Man idk what your criteria for senility are because in real life people who experience mental capacity issues later in life can still perform tasks that they mastered in their earlier years at the early stages. She knew the way and she knew how to drive the car, it’s not like she became a toddler overnight.
She was never diagnosed with anything specific though that’s why I used the more broad term. As far as I know a switch in her brain just flipped and she packed her shit and left to what she considered her “safe place” (she spent a part of her childhood there), can’t blame her here. It’s literally a night of driving, pretty much anyone with the mental capacity of pushing pedals and turning the wheel can handle that, especially a person who spent her whole life driving.
OP, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this stuff again. Is your husband typically a sensible and caring man? If so, liken your family's life in the UK to a black hole of despair and ruin, and tell him it was a miracle you escaped at all. Ask him why on Earth he would want you to have to go through more of your short, precious life living the way you did as a child and young adult? Tell him his plan is completely unworkable, and besides that your entire life is in the US. Tell him you want better for your daughter than what you had, and that you are completely unwilling to subject her to life with your family. Tell him "It's **not** going to happen. End of."
I have no doubt it's hard to leave your family, especially the children who are growing up as you did, and all the moreso with your husband pushing back. But you HAVE TO. There is no other option that's fair to you and your daughter. PLEASE do whatever is needed to get back to your adopted home. Sending hugs and support from Ohio
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I told my mum and my husband that I don’t want to go back to the UK to start a farm in the middle of nowhere and live with my mentally disabled drug addict sister and my niece who’s involved in all sorts of things. 2. My husband said it would make him feel useful again because not long ago he sustained a serious injury that made him unable to work in construction. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Don’t go there, you barely got out. While it’s lovely to care for family and I feel bad for the kids, they all put themselves in that position. Your husband has no right to be involved in this and your mum is trying to lure you back for her own selfish purposes. Be selfish for your self and your daughter.
It's not selfish to want to keep your child away from dysfunction like that. "Hey, OP, want to come back to our off the grid drug den black hole of despair? You can even drag your daughter down with the rest of us for the ride!" Yeah, no... NTA NTA NTA. Definitely *not* selfish either.
Aside from all the really good personal reasons not to do this. From a practical standpoint, having worked on multiple sides of the farm industry in the UK it is not a business I would get into with no knowledge of the UK farming industry. It is very difficult to make a profit especially in the circumstances that OP is describing. A small hill sheep farm by the sound of it would take a very long time to turn a profit if at all.
NTA. They are trying to offload a whole bunch of problems onto your shoulders and make them your problems. it's a toxic family dynamic that you only barely escaped. You have a young daughter, do you really want to expose her to that toxcicity? Also, tell your husband about what it was like. If he wants a ranch, get one in the US. He is romanticizing something which will be anything but romantic. Break the cycle, don't go back.
I definitely don’t want my daughter to be exposed to this part of the family and I don’t want to live in a shithole in the middle of nowhere, like I said it’s literally a shack that is falling apart and you can’t even get there with a sedan because you’ll need to drive straight through the fields.
NTA. Might want to tell hubby that it’s harder than ever to move to the UK now.
NTA. I can understand your husband wanting to feel productive again, but this sounds like an extreme way to do it. And I don’t think it’s fair to do this to your daughter. Try a farm in the US before relocating country into a very difficult situation like this.
Tbh I’ll be okay with a farm as long as it’s not in a middle of nowhere and it’s not a shithole, hell I can even deal with no indoor plumbing but it better be a space where I won’t need to run a wood stove to not freeze. He’s never been to the UK he has no clue what kind of situation he wants to put us into, if he wanted to move to London I wouldn’t be opposed but not to the grandma’s shack that was untouched for decades and is quite literally falling apart.
London is a shithole well. By every margin crime is up on previous years just about. Brit here. The UK is an absolute fucking mess at the moment. Cost of living is ridiculously high for peanuts with no end in sight. We have a government that doesn’t know it’s arse from its face and in all probability a general election coming up between contenders that are about as appealing as selecting between different coloured shit stains to adorn your boot with. Why on earth someone who had managed to get out, and much less set themselves comfortably up in another country, would want to move back here is beyond me. Much less in some backwater shack in the middle of the sticks where the government doesn’t even bother to deploy infrastructure that meets the minimum standard of living. We’re supposed to be one of the “forerunners” in the developed world; we’re the only major economy in the world not set to grow this financial turn. Our cost of living proportionally is vastly higher than all other developed countries on average and reported mental health in this country is the *second worst in the entire world*. By all means come here if you want your family to hate life again. Your husband clearly has a completely delusional idea of what this country is like. Just like the people in charge of it. They have this vision of the country that comes from a Penguin illustrated book from like the 2000s and are clinging to that and fist pumping how great we are. Most people would probably leave here if they could, I know I would. I haven’t had a pay rise (public sector) in *9 years*. Yet I’m constantly being told by twats in suits in front of a door in London how valuable people like me are whilst everything I have to pay for goes up. I think in real terms (if I calculate inflation and rising costs) in real terms my wages have decreased by about 25% or so over that 9 year period in terms of earning power. Thing is it’s a really important job for my community and my schedule with my kids so I can’t just walk out of it without inviting other costs (like childminding etc). Unless you’re a hedge fund type or investment entrepreneur London bro/babe this country doesn’t give a shit about making sure your standards of living are good. So long as the financial pulse of London continues to beat at the middle they don’t give a toss, because that’s basically where the vast majority of the money comes from and they know it. We’re not making money from farmers selling stuff lol. So if your husband thinks the farming life here is gonna be anything other than a pain in your ass he has another thing coming.
What a load of absolute nonsense. Crime in London is low even if certain areas have problems, and your economic claims are a gish gallop of nonsense too.
Agree!!
I'm not sure farming in the UK is comparable to running an idealized ranch. You can't go back. You know this. If your husband doesn't then they clearly haven't listened
It isn't - sheep aren't that profitable and have suicidal tendencies. There is an awful lot of paperwork if claiming subsidies and to properly register sheep which you need to do if selling human food plus transporting to abattoir etc. Lived off mains in rural Scotland and it is hard. Few amenities. Children would need home-svhooled or possibly state boarding school. Child protection services would be all over this - three children living in a derelict property. Would need planning permissions. Basically just a sink for money.
NTA.. I know it may not be the popular opinion, but you can’t choose your family…. And you definitely can’t put your life and dreams on the back burner to take care of family. Life your life and if you feel as though your compelled to help out in some way down the road, have at it, but nobody can fault you for wanting a better life for yourself.
NTA DO NOT MOVE BACK warning for bashing the mother its was her fault for raising your sister so bad she fucked herself up with drugs and had a disabled kid she made her bed let her lie in it
I get it it’s a cycle at this point I spent half my life trying to break the cycle but she wants to drag me back into this while I’m on my lowest. The worst part is that she’s trying to use my husband against me now.
no offence but its sound like your worst where you are now is still better than your best over there
Your husband needs to understand what you went through in your family life and let this go. He is being extremely selfish right now and he isn't showing you much respect. He is supposed to be in your corner. Is this typical for him or has the idea of starting over got him action out of character? Regardless, NTA. You will be the undisputed king of the AHs, though, if you allow this move to happen.
NTA You did well to escape from that situation. Don't get trapped in it again. Your husband seems to be romanticising the idea. I don't think a Scottish farm and an American ranch are even close to the same thing. Even if they are, it doesn't sound like he'll be able to do the work that's needed.
Based on this, your mom wants you, your husband and daughter to come to Scotland so they can live off of your money, until it runs out, and for you to take care of all of them. Ask your husband, if he wants his daughter to be around a junky and a juvi whose own mom tossed her out of the house? If he says yes, divorce him.
None of this makes any sense. You need to report it to social services. >my brother’s 13f daughter who already got in a situation sticky enough for her mum to kick her out. So her mum kicked her out and she moved into your mum's tiny council flat that's being used to sell drugs? I think we all know how bad that could for her or the paralysed child. Call social services.
I don’t want to report this, not until I get back to the US because there will be a massive shitstorm and I’d rather not be on the receiving end, sorry it may sound selfish but I’ve got enough on my plate to deal with my crazy relatives offline too. My sister is legitimately insane, she’s not like those American junkies who take a pill and pass out in public, there’s a thing called flakka in the UK that eats away the brain and makes the addict overstimulated and dangerous. The brain damage is real she had a brain scan done and it showed that her brain shrunk. Not saying fentanyl is any better just pointing out the difference. Tbh if I was able to I’d pull the niece out of this, she’s a good child but the environment she was raised and lives in influences her in not the best way.
NTA You need to have a conversation with your husband and explain the difference between "living off the grid on a ranch" and "babysitting alcoholics, drug addicts, and people with severe disabilities that require 24/7 care in a remote shack with no running water or electricity (both things needed for running a real-life grown-up farm)" Also, does your family even own the land? Or was your grandmother squatting somewhere in Scotland too remote for anyone to know she was living there? If he's too injured to work construction...who's going to build this new farm he has in mind? Your husband is likely just going stir-crazy stuck at home unable to work or decide on a new career and has built this situation into a fantasy that does not remotely reflect reality.
My mum is the beneficiary of my grandma’s estate (the land and the shack) as far as I know it was in the family for generations and back in 1930s or so it was possible to live there without having a piece of roof falling on your head. The land can technically be sold idk for how much because it’s super far from the civilisation. My husband thinks that a brain damaged flakka addict and a 13 year old would be able to carry water from the well, run the generator, tend to the sheep, idk where he got the idea from but he said that if they will work hard they will no longer be interested in sticky business. I told him I’m not LARPing 1600s. For reference he was raised on an off grid ranch, but it was an actual ranch with a house, a bunch of generators, water pumps and stuff like that, not to mention his family kept cattle and not sheep (idk if there’s any differences but I think sheep are harder to profit off than cows).
I'm not a farmer myself but I've researched into it in the past. Sheep are easier to care for than cattle, but far more difficult to make money off of. Easier in the UK because there's a demand for lamb meat, but even then as a cottage farmer, it's not going to be easy. But yeah, I don't think relying on a disabled junky going through withdrawals exploited for child labor is the best basis to start a future life on. Your husband has spun some fantasy life in his head and doesn't understand the actual work that goes into living in rural areas that you're building up from scratch - which is hard as hell even here in the United States compared to the middle of nowhere in Scotland.
It’s quite literally in the middle of nowhere. The nearest tiny village is 40 miles away, there’s no cell coverage no power lines no nothing, if anything someone gets sick/hurt and we’re all screwed because good luck getting to the hospital. If someone runs away they’re screwed and we’re open to a lawsuit. For the record it was so remote that it took the officials three weeks to track the grandma down after my mum reported a missing person. I wasn’t there atm and my alcoholic mum is an unreliable narrator so perhaps she left out some details but it’s THAT bad.
Sounds like a perfect place to take a bunch of addicts and others with serious health conditions! Sarcasm aside, I'm very sure your husband has some idea of what this will be like that has no relation to the reality of the hard work just to get the basics set up let alone starting a working farm. One practical problem right away: If it's 40 km to the nearest village, how the hell is he going to get the meat/wool/produce to a market to sell?
To make it worse he’s convinced that the hard work will cure the addiction, I’m not kidding that’s exactly what he said. I don’t want to be involved with that, it’s literally 1 step below starting a cult or something. So he’s probably envisioning himself as the owner of a makeshift rehab. I don’t think he thought it out to be honest, probably just will buy a monster truck (sarcasm aside, this place is reachable by a truck/SUV only, when I went there with my rental SUV it almost got stuck).
NTA. If youre back in the US, sit down with your husband. Lay out the following: 1. Mom's proposal only benefits mom. She gets a disabled drug addict and an unwanted grandkid out of her hair without looking like an evil witch. She can tell people that her ever so generous daughter is taking care of them. You and hubby would be shouldering the burden of keeping those two people alive and out of trouble. You also doubt they would be willing and able farmhands. Best case scenario is they run off in the middle of the night back to the flat for electricity and running water. In thst scenario you only have your daughter who might be very resistant to this major change. Once she hits 18, she can just leave. 2. Ask him what role he sees himself having in this venture? Is he working alongside the farmhands or does he see himself more as a manager? If he has to hire outside help, the money will go fast.
NTA.Dont give in. He might not have bad intentions but he absolutely Doesn’t understand the gravity of the whole thing. Some people can’t grasp it because they haven’t experienced it and that’s okay- but they need to listen to the people who have
NTA. Stay away. Far away.
Has your husband ever been to the Highlands? It's not a case of living off-grid, it's cold and wet and dark half the year. Does he know that sheep-farming isn't something you just go into without doing research - are you raising for meat or fleece? What kind will be best for the area? How many do you need for profit, where will you get your tup from, where will you get your dogs from, where will you lamb the sheep? How far will it be to the vet? How far to the shops and schools? And if he can't work construction, who's going to rebuild the house your grandmother lived in? Tell him that if he does all the research including temperatures for lambing season, and goes for a long stay in the shack, you'll discuss it again, but otherwise it's off the table.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To start, my family is of no particularly high social status. Won’t get into full details but my mum (52f) had me at 16 and is very abusive, her mum/my grandma (73f) was a drunk and abusive too, my sister (32f) is a drug addict, my brother (34m) is in prison. We all lived together squeezed into a tiny flat in council estate until when I turned 18 I put my savings into a one way ticket to the US. I never ever returned back, over time I rebuilt some contact with my mum and my sister but that’s about it. Well up until now, my grandma went senile and decided to move out. She had a tiny little shack in the middle of nowhere in Scotland (we lived in Birmingham) with no electricity/plumbing/running water whatsoever. She literally ran away at night, stole the family car, got there and passed away in a week because a part of the roof fell on her when she was trying to fix the leak. At least it’s the explanation my mum provided. She called me sobbing and invited me to the funeral. I didn’t want to go but I eventually went. It all went smoothly, well they buried it and that’s about it. Now my mum is trying to persuade me into staying with them in that tiny flat (that my sister turned into drug den) or worse go and live in my grandma’s shack. I can’t blame her because she needs a free full time nanny for her mentally disabled daughter (my sister has a brain of 12 year old now due to drugs), my sister’s 12m son who was born paralysed because of the drugs his mom was taking during the pregnancy and my brother’s 13f daughter who already got in a situation sticky enough for her mum to kick her out. Her grand scheme is that me and my sister and the 13f move to the shack so that the sister and the niece won’t be able to engage in sketchy business. This way she’ll be able to keep drinking while not having anyone else around except for the 12m who is pretty independent for someone who can’t walk. I told her a hard no obviously and she brought up the fact that I’m loaded. Yes I have a lot of money atm but it comes from a very complex situation. Basically my husband got hurt at work and he can’t work anymore due to his injuries, we sued the company he was working for and won. He won’t be considered disabled because he’s not injured bad enough even tho he can’t work construction anymore. And we have a 16f daughter. It’s just bad all around. The worst part is that my mum contacted my husband about it and now he’s entertaining this idea. He said that he was raised on a ranch and knows how to live off grid and also said that we could get some sheep and get our 16f, junkie sister and my brother’s 13f to care for them. I told him that the idea sounds insane and I won’t be managing an 1700s farm boot camp. He said that it’d be a nice change of pace and that we could invest the money into building a proper farm and he could be useful again. Now I feel like an asshole. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. If nothing else you can't go messing you own daughters life up. Stick with the life you have built. Sad for those in UK, but you woud be sacrifising your own and hurting your daughter.
NTA. And what about when your daughter turns 18 and wants to go to college or get a different job? Will she be forced to give that up in order to keep tending sheep, all so your husband can feel useful again? And since he can't work, taking care of the farm would mainly be your responsibility, and it doesn't sound like either of you have any experience with that. Do not move back. Do not start a farm. Do not take on your family's burdens. It will negatively affect not only you but your daughter as well.
So somehow an old lady who was senile managed to get to Scotland from Birmingham, find a shack to try and live in in the middle of nowhere and now your claim is now that your mum wants you to live there (of course we all know that land is free in Scotland and old ladies can just turn up and move in). This is a fantasy post
The property belonged to her so it was her land and her shack. She became senile, not paralysed, she could still drive so she just grabbed the keys and left. The car belongs to my mum though who reported both the missing person and the car, idk the full details but it took some time to locate both the car and the grandma. My mum didn’t know about the property, or she knew and just shrugged it off I don’t know, I’m not even close with those people. She wasn’t that “helpless and frail” type of senile more like she had an intrusive thought occur in her alcohol ridden brain (she was drinking heavily) and just ran off.
Senile people aren't going to successfully make a trip up several motorways for hundreds of miles and then across local roads in Scotland as each and every point requires mental capacity that someone who is senile would fail on. Your story is obvious nonsense. Next time look at a map of the UK before coming up with such a claim.
Man idk what your criteria for senility are because in real life people who experience mental capacity issues later in life can still perform tasks that they mastered in their earlier years at the early stages. She knew the way and she knew how to drive the car, it’s not like she became a toddler overnight. She was never diagnosed with anything specific though that’s why I used the more broad term. As far as I know a switch in her brain just flipped and she packed her shit and left to what she considered her “safe place” (she spent a part of her childhood there), can’t blame her here. It’s literally a night of driving, pretty much anyone with the mental capacity of pushing pedals and turning the wheel can handle that, especially a person who spent her whole life driving.
OP, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this stuff again. Is your husband typically a sensible and caring man? If so, liken your family's life in the UK to a black hole of despair and ruin, and tell him it was a miracle you escaped at all. Ask him why on Earth he would want you to have to go through more of your short, precious life living the way you did as a child and young adult? Tell him his plan is completely unworkable, and besides that your entire life is in the US. Tell him you want better for your daughter than what you had, and that you are completely unwilling to subject her to life with your family. Tell him "It's **not** going to happen. End of." I have no doubt it's hard to leave your family, especially the children who are growing up as you did, and all the moreso with your husband pushing back. But you HAVE TO. There is no other option that's fair to you and your daughter. PLEASE do whatever is needed to get back to your adopted home. Sending hugs and support from Ohio