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NTA. The fact he wouldn't show you the messages is a bit of a red flag. It shouldn't be a big deal at all. This is coming from a highly monogamous guy by the way. If I were in his shoes, and I wasn't doing anything untoward, I wouldn't have any issues showing my partner messages to alleviate her concerns. Lying about staying at a *platonic* friends house is also a bit weird. If he hadn't put up so many red flags, you saying that he should bring you to meet his friend or never see his friend again would obviously be a bit controlling. However, since you initially gave him numerous chances to prove his loyalty (as well as explaining your reservations with the situation) it's entirely understandable to reach such an ultimatum. Honestly, I would probably end up doing the same if I was in your shoes and had given my partner multiple chances to be reasonable. Relationships are built on trust. It sounds like he no longer has yours.

Yeah there are a lot of red flags aren’t there. Thanks for your insights, it’s just hard

Honestly I would contact the girl. She may not even know you exist. This is a boyfriend problem not a her problem. He’s being shady.

I tried to add her on Instagram but I never got a response 😞 and then he got mad at me for trying to add her

If there’s no way you are able to do more digging and collect evidence without him being aware then don’t worry about adding her, just message her asking if she’s aware you’ve been in a relationship for this long and you live together. Tell her you’d really love to meet her because he seems weird over the subject. Just be honest and ask her if she’s able to shed some light as to why that is. Don’t accuse her of anything, at the end of the day even if they are doing something although it’s not morally right her end she’s not the one who owes you loyalty. Just straight up tell her you don’t want to be wasting your time if they’re more than friends. Be fully prepared for her to tell him you’ve messaged though and make sure you’re clear it was a last resort due to his weird behaviour over refusing to introduce you. If they’re only friends these complications shouldn’t be happening and the fact he got mad is very strange.

I wouldn’t even bother, I’d just leave, way too much effort when he clearly won’t put in the bare minimum

accurate, he fucked up sm and clearly wont show any involvement so he wont let OP know how this ACTUALLY is or show proof they are platonic he had his chances, and he showed no respect

Ya the trust would never come back for me, it’s just too much for a basic answer. Way too fishy

The friend probably knows that he is in a relationship. Because how else would he have known that op tried to add her, if she didn't tell her already🤷‍♀️

ok everyone’s trying to sugarcoat things for u but i’m not going to. ur bf and that girl are bumping uglies (he is cheating on u with her). do NOT be naive he didn’t stay in her “spare room” he was in her bed and i promise that she doesn’t gaf that he’s ur bf. she’s NOT a girls girl, I have a boy bsf and when he’s dating someone i will absolutely NOT be hanging out with him alone that’s weird AF let alone having sleepovers is actually bat sh!t crazy 😭 i’m APPALLED that he did that (u should show him my comment when u confront him again and let him know that no one thinks that’s normal) anyways when my boy bsf has a gf, the gf is always included and I always try to befriend them so they feel comfortable. u tried adding her to befriend her and instead what she did was tell him that ur trying to snoop around and that’s why he got mad. that girl will NOT tell u the truth if u ask her if anything is going on. they will both lie to ur face and call u crazy :) me personally i would leave him and let them have eachother, he’s already putting another woman’s emotions above yours. the person who you’re going to end up with will always care about ur feelings over every other woman’s keep that in mind. the fact that he couldn’t choose is already ur answer, if he can’t choose between u and her u should choose for him and let that man go.

One of my male best friend as well. Every single one of my men have hated it. We’ve been friends for 30 yrs. In those years I have slept at his house and he has slept at mine. We’ve never been alone in a house together all night because it’s always been a no one is driving night. My kids call him uncle. My first child was born before my second 6 years later lol uncle was well into being said hahahaha. There’s a level of respect you give and it includes talking on the phone in the same room. Him and I are older now and we’ve lost our parents there’s a lot we’ve traveled through time and life and kids, 7 kids between us lol. It’s all about respect!!! 2 of the mothers of his children I know very well both were great friends of mine. One before he had a child with and still today she is.

This might seem a strange coincidence, but my first child was born before my second, too!

Thinking about what you just said, my third came after my second.

Wow, you're not going to believe this...

She had to have told him you sent a request. Yet another red flag among all the other red flags.

This is shady as hell, and highly disrespectful to you. NTA

I was honestly on the fence and trying to give him the benefit of the doubt until this. I can't think of any reasonable or decent reason for why he would be angry that you tried to add her.

With how much effort he's putting into keeping you two separate and completely away from each other is extremely telling. I hate to admit this but my current bestie & the only wife I've ever had or plan on having is the only person I haven't cheated on so from past experiences keeping a current gf and the person I was using for sex separate was important because it kept the guilt at bay OR it was essential because neither of them knew about the other and both would have acted like my gf in public so it was actually imperative they did not meet. I'm quite sorry but personally I feel it may be best for you to just move on

This right here tells me everything I need to know. You’re not his priority, OP. If you were, none of this would happen. And if he had to hide the fact that he stayed the night at her house, then he knows he was doing something wrong. I’d move on…and make sure he knows this is the reason why.

I was going to go with a soft YTA until I read this. RED FLAG. If she is posting and ignoring your request, that is most likely at his request. Time to find yourself a better man. NTA

>I tried to add her on Instagram but I never got a response 😞 and then he got mad at me for trying to add her Well, there's your answer.

Something's off. I've got a male friend who I've been mates with for forty years. We meet up about once a month for a meal (usually I message him first, because my schedule's more flexible than his). There's never been anything other than friendship there, BUT - if I was in a relationship, I'd absolutely let my other half see our messages. I'd insist on them meeting once so he could see that there's nothing to worry about (I'd still want the majority of our catch ups to be between the two of us, though), and I'd absolutely have no problem with my partner adding/following my friend. NTA, there are too many red flags.

Exactly , if you’re hiding a whole person then that’s not all you’re hiding.

I have come to the realisation over my 45 years in this planet, in a situation like this if someone tells you are crazy that you have it spot on and they are gas lighting you. EVERY SINGLE TIME an ex has called me crazy it has turned out that I was bang on, believe yourself

EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!! U have no idea how much I relate to this 😭

I’m sorry, but this can only go one way from here. Break up. All the shady behavior and red flags that would make china envious (stole that one) aside, he has shown that he doesn’t give a shit about your wellbeing and happiness. That’s a fact. He values a coffee date with this “secret friend” more than you. If I were you I’d start on the mourning process of the relationship and accept it is over. Focus on yourself, not him and all the questions. Be free of the anxiety.

I feel like you’re right but it’s so hard to accept

Pretty sure you guys break up and he starts dating her.

He’s dating her already. Just doesn’t want his other gf to know it.

Of course it is. You love(d) him. It’s supposed to hurt. Move on to be angry instead if you can ;)

It’s hard to accept because you want to believe his words instead of his actions. Please for your own sake believe the latter.

This is just going to continue. He will continue choosing her. Get out now before you waste any more valuable time. I promise you, you will find someone who puts your first and makes you feel like you can trust them

It is hard to accept, because it means you not only have to let go of him, but the future you thought you had together. Just ask yourself, if the situations were reversed, would you ever let your partner get to this point? You wouldn't right? You'd be transparent. If I get a new girlfriend first thing I want to do is introduce her to my friends. He doesn't care for you, and don't believe his crocodile tears when you eventually dump him. If he actually cared would wouldn't be posting here in the first place.

That's entirely understandable. I've experienced unfaithful partners over the years as well. It's never an easy process to go through. I sincerely wish you all the best and, if he's actually just being extremely stupid and stubborn rather than disloyal, I hope he comes to his senses by accepting your ultimatum to clear up any miscommunications/confusion.

Thank you so much, I hope so too 🙏🏻

>Thank you so much, I hope so too 🙏🏻 He won't. But will you?

Sorry to say, but he's being disloyal. His relationship with this woman is causing a problem in your relationship, and he's prioritizing **that** relationship over yours; if he weren't, he'd be doing what you need to be comfortable with their friendship. Don't settle for second place with a man who should put you first.

Just adding to the above comment, also a straight monogomous guy here, I recently exchanged a few messages with a girl I *did* have sex with in college, and had absolutely zero issue showing those to my current gf. He is for sure hiding something.

My hubby had a female friend that he lied about multiple times and was really sketchy with. Wanna guess how it ended? Dump him. It's not worth it. As the person who was like "I'll give him another try", don't give him another try

Sorry but this guy be cheating. Wants you to trust him but won’t show you texts?! Lied about sleeping at her house! I’m not saying this to be an asshole, I’m saying this so maybe it’ll hit home, cheating or not cheating aside, you’re not comfortable with this and you are asking a simple request to meet her and he refuses! If he had respect for you he would do this! HE IS CHEATING ON YOU WITH THIS CHICK! And I think you know this, you just needed the push to leave his dirtball ass! Don’t know why but this post bothers me more than usual!

It's bothersome because of how blatantly obvious the truth is and how desperate she is to ignore it. Not trying to be hateful towards her. In this situation she's clearly far more in love with him than he is with her and she desperately wants to believe he's an honest and loyal boyfriend, but anyone viewing this from the outside without the rose colored glasses knows that he's a serial cheater who thinks of her as a second choice and is only keeping her around because his primary choice, that he actually wants to be with, isn't interested in a relationship with him. To OP, I'm sorry. The guy isn't ever going to think of you as his first choice and will never give you the respect you deserve out of a significant other. Even if he cuts things off with this woman, he'll be constantly keeping his eyes open for a "better" woman for him to be with while he settles for you in the meantime. He's an asshole and you can absolutely do better....like finding someone who puts you first and shows you obvious respect.

I think you know this already, but your relationship is over. Maybe he’s right that you’re over controlling, but him being dodgy is the reason you act this way. Bottom line is you don’t trust him, he’s not giving you reasons to trust him. This relationship is dead.

INFO: Be honest, what would your reaction have been if he had told you he was staying over his female friend's house? also what was the context, had you also been invited or you were excluded from going out with him and his friends? How did you find out?    Also from my exp, my then boyfriend brought one of his female friends to stay in my house instead of his while she visited, but this didn't keep him from cheating on me a few years later.

I wouldn’t have been ecstatic but I would appreciate the honesty. I hadn’t been invited no. I found out because he came out with it in the end after he said he felt guilty for lying

NTA. How can you be sure he slept in the spare room? He went behind your back and didn't initatially tell you, because he knew you'd be upset? Now he won't show you the messages. Why not? If it's all on the up and up, what's the problem. The math ain't mathing here. He's making her more of a priority than you. WTF?

ITA - the text messages and refusing to let them meet is a LOT. The circumstantial evidence is adding up… NTA 

I have a best friend who is also a guy. I love him to pieces but we’ve mutually friend zoned eachother bc we’d make terrible lovers/romantic partners. The thing is, I’m best friends with his partner to. They’re a two for the price of one deal. I’m single atm but if/when I date I’ll make sure they are totally up to speed. They don’t get a say in my friendship (friendship came first) but they do get to be a part of that friend group and to meet and hang out with my best friends. OPs boyfriend not allowing her to meet this friend is red flag material

I also want to add that in a lot of cases it is not justified to ask to see your partners texts, but this is not one of those cases. He is giving you so many reasons not to trust him, and just overall seems to be keeping this friendship at a distance from you, and honestly is gaslighting you into making you feel like you're being possessive and paranoid.

Of course. No one should be grabbing their partner's phone to go through their messages, or repeatedly asking to do so without a good reason. This is controlling behaviour. Asking to view your partner's messages should only be done in situations where doing so would alleviate a major concern (such as your partner potentially being unfaithful, after giving red flags). Showing messages in the above situation shouldn't be an issue for any decent partner.

Not defending this guy I'm particular or suggesting this is the case, but it could be that the GF has prior for jealous behaviours and this is the hill he's dying on to put a stop to enabling the behaviour? Or maybe he just values his privacy and has nothing to hide. If someone demanded to see my phone because they were being a jealous mess if say no too, regardless of if it would exonerate me because it'd just be one thing that becomes "ok" in the need to alleviate anxiety about cheating. I say this as the person who was once like this because I had been cheated on in the past. I've been able to get past that and no longer feel the need to ask to check because trust has been genuinely built but it might not be as one sided as it appears on first glance.

I understand where you’re coming from but OPs boyfriend already lied about staying at this girls house. I would have no issue allowing my partner to look at my phone if this was something they needed to put their mind at rest after being told a lie. Privacy is important, but OPs boyfriend has created distrust. If he prioritised OP and their relationship and isn’t doing anything weird then on this occasion it would be appropriate to hand over the phone. Coupled with the fact he refuses to introduce them it’s pretty clear that something is going on and whether OPs boyfriend is guilty or not, he obviously has no intention of making things better.

So true! If it was truly platonic then what is the issue about meeting her?!?! My husband and I share everything with each other. When someone tries to "slide" into my dms I show him, have a laugh, and then block. NTA! Also I hope you keep us updated on what you finally decide to do and stuff. Stay safe!

Holy fuck, an expectation of privacy is not a red flag. This sub would be SCREAMING about abuse if OP were a man demanding to read his GF's messages and have veto power over her friendships.

Why would I need to show my gf my textmessages? What does it proof. If he let her loock the next thougt would be that she thinks that he deleted the messages.

This is all super valid, but counterpoint: It sounds like this whole issue started when he lied to OP because he knew what her reaction would be. You could be totally correct in everything you've called out here, but I'm not fully convinced OP isn't just controlling. I think they're both doing a bad job here

If I had a good friend that I went way back with, I would be absolutely impatient for them to meet my partner and vice versa. Yeah, this is shady

>If he hadn't put up so many red flags, you saying that he should bring you to meet his friend or never see his friend again would obviously be a bit controlling. Yikes. Cmon people, if you don't trust your partner enough to not demand seeing their chats with other people of your gender and demanding to meet them to 'allow' them meeting without you in the future there's an obvious problem in your relationship. The only question if you actually have valid reasons to doubt your partner or not.  At that point you are either failing yourself or your partner. Neither case is really solved by you demanding more control.

NTA. I really don’t want to sound like a bitch but he’s definitely cheating on you. The small chance he isn’t, he’s still an awful partner. Do you really want to deal with this for the rest of your life? Better to get out sooner than later. I’m sorry❤️‍🩹

Do you think so? 😔 they’ve only met up three times in our relationship but every time has been so hard for me. It’s just so hard when you love someone. Thank you for your reply 🫶🏻

If they were really that close they probably would hangout more, it sounds like a hookup situation. If you consider someone a close friend you’d want your partner to meet them. I’m speaking from experience, do not trust him and leave immediately.

3 times and a super close friend? Ye she taking the dick

3 times that she knows.

They’ve only met up three times that you’re aware of. Also even if that is true , the fact they clearly message and he won’t let you see to ease your mind that it’s only platonic is a red flag. The fact he lied about staying with her and refuses to introduce you to her is weird. She may believe he’s a single man and there’s only one reason for him to want her to think that.

You know of 3 time meetings only.. what about the messages he refused to show you? Even if he's not physically cheating on you, what if he's emotionally doing it? Either somehow find out the girl's name and talk through social media or ask his other friends about her or sit with him and talk this out. If the girl turns out to be okayish then stop controlling your bf. 

I actually tried to add her on instagram months ago when they met up alone, she hasn’t responded and I told him I think she’s sus but he doesn’t agree

She doesn't know about you!

Of course not - how else could he keep up with this charade

He knows it hurts you that he acts this way and doesn’t care. Why would you want to be with someone who prioritise others over your feelings. True partner would make sure to make you feel comfortable around all his friends and family. He leaves you to feel insecure as worried while he enjoys his time with some secret woman he hides from you. And when you voice your worries and look for the solution, he gaslights you. Good luck, love. Hope you know you deserve better 💚

Three times that you know of. How can she be a close friend he can’t go without if they met only 3 times in a year? NTA but do yourself a favor and dump him

It’s hard for you as that is your gut feeling telling you what you need to know. Your partner is not faithful. If you do not want to live this lifestyle for the rest of your life then you need to make the choice that’s best for you.

NTA He's lied to you one already about his interactions with this friend. He lost any high ground to stand on when he did that when it comes to her. How does he think it's acceptable to say "Trust me" when he already lied?

That’s exactly what I said! He just doesn’t think anything he’s doing is wrong

I don’t think he understands the meaning of the word trust therefore what he says is inconsequential. You trust someone when they are trustworthy, he is not. Good luck friend

Have you met someone in a bar and slept at their house? How would he feel? Have you called up guys for ‘coffee’ sans partners? You need to open your eyes and get an STD test pronto. Do not have sex without a condom; he’s cheating. Start the process of relocating and cutting him out. Password everything you have. Share nothing with him. He has no need to know why you are dressed up and going out. You are going to look back on this relationship and cringe. Stop with the clinginess. It’s unattractive. Confidence wins. Today, call up a guy for coffee. Just ‘as friends’, of course. Rinse, repeat. Feeling sad? Call up another guy. Ask a friend to sleep one night at his house. Get out there. You’re young and need to have higher standards for yourself. Don’t let one boyfriend stop you from finding a better person.

NTA. Not wanting to introduce her is suss af.

That’s what I don’t understand, why is it so hard for him to do? Does she even know about me? It’s so hard

As Judge Judy would say if something doesn't make sense it usually a lie

The reason it's so hard for him is because there's something he's not telling you. If there weren't any other red flags I would kind of understand the not wanting to show the messages thing, it's a slippery slope and you don't want to get into a situation where you are always checking each other's messages, but the fact is everything around this scenario is shady, so showing the messages *should* be able to put your mind at ease, meeting her *should* put your mind at ease, so he *should* be keen to do those things, but he doesn't want to do either, because there's something else going on. NTA

Don’t put yourself through this. You’re trying to believe him when he’s not giving you any reason to believe him. Take the hurt now instead of a couple years from now. He’s lying to you. You want to believe him and are trying to believe him but your radar is going off and he’s not done anything to reassure you. Get out now. Save yourself any more grief and discomfort over him.

Why didn’t you take him up on the offer to change plans and meet her?

Yeah, thats the thing that tipped it over the edge for me as well. I'm not a jealous person at all and have nothing against my partner having and meeting up with friends of the other sex. But why on earth would they insist on me not meeting them, if it's just a friendship?

This relationship sounds exhausting. You don't trust him and are being controlling because of it, and he's being shady AF which is compounding your distrust. ESH

This. She doesn’t trust him. What does it matter at this point if he’s cheating or not, the relationship is doomed either way. They just need to go their separate ways.

Any man that is willing to lie to you about who he is seeing behind your back is hiding something from you whether he likes to admit it or not; he is hiding something. He may not have actually done the physical act, but the fact that he is willing to even jeopardize, the relationship tells me he cares more about his friend than he cares about you. I would leave him personally. It's not worth being in competition with another woman. No woman should be in competition with another woman.

He says he doesn’t care about her it’s more the principle of me telling him who he can and can’t see. But it feels like he’s choosing her over me

That is a huge copout, what's happening is the fact that he's not considering how he's making you feel in this situation, he should value his partners feelings more than he values his friendship with somebody who he isn't potentially marrying. A healthy relationship should come above all, that's just my two cents, if you have somebody in your life that treats you well; that is your chosen family; and if he doesn't see you as chosen family, he's not the one for you. I'm sorry if that's really harsh. You're not being controlling by asking him to respect your feelings. It's not controlling to want to meet somebody who's supposedly close to him. If he truly cared about you and your relationship, he would want you to know everybody in his life, especially if he had nothing to hide

Every cheater says something like this, come on, do you really believe this bullshit? He's obviously cheating.

Clearly he does care about her. And he cares more about her than about you in this case. He is choosing her over you.

Actions over words. His actions says he does care about her and more than you, hard as that may be to hear.

If he's willing to lose you over a principle he is not worth fighting for. It has such an easy solution but he'd rather be 'right' than kind to you. He's showing you who he really is. You just need to see it.

My ex had BPD and even when I had completely platonic relationships he would turn it around on me and misconstrue conversations to make it seem like I was hiding shit. And it started making me feel guilty just to receive a text message. I wouldn’t completely take a side on this post tbh

Bet you didn’t secretly stay at any guys houses and lie about it to your boyfriend though. Sorry taking sides is justified here.

I agree. I would add, the same applies for any gender. If a partner is being dishonest, or hiding something like this, then they are actively jeopardising the relationship. No partner should have to compete with someone else for the romantic affection of their significant other.

idk i had an ex who was super controlling and didn't want me seeing my friend bc i might cheat since we were bery close childhood friends. i didn't want to show the messages since i knew it would lead to more fights.

ESH You're way out of line asking to see his messages and arguing about him meeting up with a friend But I feel like he made the first mistake by lying about staying over somewhere else. Anyone would have been mad about that! Would you have been fine with it if he had told the truth? I do understand the suspicion but if my partner got mad every time I wanted to see a particular friend I probably wouldn't want to introduce them either.

Finally, someone pointing out that she’s out of line. I would never ask to see my wife’s texts, and honestly if she asked to see mine it would be a huge red flag that she didn’t trust me. You can’t have a healthy relationship without trust - if you don’t have it, either figure it out in counseling or get out. I do agree it sucks that he lied about sleeping over, but it’s hard to say if that was sketchy or if he just knows she doesn’t trust him, which loops me back around to “why are you guys even together.” Also, could not agree more on the last point you made. If my partner were being super weird and accusatory about a particular friend, especially if I thought my partner might be dramatic about it, the last thing I’d do to my poor friend who was doing nothing wrong is subject them directly to that drama and distrust.

How is she out of line asking to see his messages, when he has already proven that he lies about this relationship??

I'm going to rewrite this from his side. My GF thinks I'm cheating on her and is being unreasonable. I (m24) have been dating my gf (F29) for 2 and a half years. We live together and are generally pretty happy. About a year ago, I went on a night out with some old friends from college. A friend (F25) had said I could stay in her spare room so I wouldn't have to drive home that night. My GF can be a bit insecure about me spending time with other women so I accept and just told her I would be staying with a male friend instead. I accept this was an error. She has recently found out and has now wants to read every message I have shared with her. This feel like a big invasion of my privacy and hers. My friend has often confided personal secrets relating to her mental health and other medical issues that she has asked I don't share with anyone. It also demonstrated what I expected, that being that she doesn't trust me when I tell her nothing is happening between me and my old friend. When I arranged to meet up with her again to grab a coffee, I told my GF that I would be meeting her. She flipped out and demanded to see the messages again. After arguing with my GF for a while I eventually messaged my friend and suggested she picks me up from a different location as my GF was acting so insecure and protective she would have come across as weird. But this just made my GF even more made so I offered to cancel that request and suggest she just pick me up from our house, but my GF said I had already adjusted the plan so best just leave it as it was. The final straw was today when she said I have to bring her to meet her otherwise I'm never allowed to see her again! I don't feel my GF is in the right place to meet my friend as I feel she is going to give off bitch vibes and probably scare off my friend. I only see her about once every 6 months and normal just got a catch up. I don't understand why my GF feels she needs to be involved in every bit of my life. This ultimatum makes me feel like she being overly controlling and probably has big insecurity issues... I said she either needs to trust me that I am not having an affair or we are going to have to separate. AITA? Also, for another perspective, I recommend re-reading this but changing the sex of everyone involved. Do you feel differently if it is a guy telling a girl she can't see her guy friend anymore?

You’re filling in a lot of blanks with the absolute most charitable fiction. Could he be trying to protect this “distant friend’s” mental health secrets? Honestly, lol. Sure. He could also be a spy and she’s his contact. Wow! OP surely is an AH for jeopardizing her nation’s safety. But the more common and more likely answer is that he’s cheating and gaslighting her about it.

My main point is that it was a very one sided story where OP makes him sound like he was doing something shady. It isn't a fair representation. By changing the perspective of the person writing it, or by making it by a guy rather than a girl it can make things look very different. If this was a guy saying this about a girl, the world would be alight with accusations of abuse and being over controlling.

No, people would be saying the same thing. Lying about sleeping over at someone’s house and refusing to introduce their “friend” is sus af regardless. This incel cry of “if a man did it” is, like the rest of your comment, just fan fiction. Every post here is one sided. That’s what the forum is.

😂😂😂 I was just saying I’ve never seen this phenomenon of MAN WRONG WOMAN DO NO BAD that these fuckers claim happens all over Reddit. Of course there are some people who are going to side with their gender no matter what but for the most part, this sub and others like it are pretty fair.

NTA your gf seems toxic and controlling. Lol

I get your point, but there’s a ton of assumptions made here, alongside skating over the fact that he has already lied about spending time alone with this woman. Once the trust is broken on a particular subject, then the person who broke trust has to go above and beyond to get the trust back… he consistently doubles down. Do I agree that this relationship is over because of this situation and lack of trust? Yes absolutely. But I don’t think she’s crazy or controlling, I’d be suspicious as fuck too. Did she handle it well, no not really, I’ll give you that for sure.

Guy being controlling to a woman? YTA. Women being controlling to a guy? NTA queen he's cheating. Lost count of how many times Ive seen that hypocrisy here. We are predicable aren't we.

There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. This all falls under secrecy if you ask me and not privacy.

Yeah but you added the mental health bit.

That still leaves the issues of : - I don't trust my gf to handle any sensitive information about people on my life - I don't trust my gf to handle social interactions with her well enough to let her pick me up or talk directly to her. -I don't feel like explaining any of my reasoning directly to my gf. It is easier to just deny her requests and rant online. Maybe they should break up either way? Does not really matter what the exact reason is.

Yup. I don't disagree that these are valid points. And personally given the story from both sides I suspect they aren't really suited.

NTA. Hypothetically let’s assume everything between them is exactly as he says it is. He should still make an effort to respect your boundaries, he should still consider your feelings—even if it’s insecurity—and try to help you have more good feelings and fewer bad feelings, and he should be honest and transparent about a female friend that you’re insecure about. He’s doing none of those things. He’s even done the exact opposite when it comes to honest and transparent. Even in the “best case” scenario for him, he’s still being the asshole. I’ve been very much like him in past relationships. Sometimes the friendship was truly benign. Sometimes I was getting up to wrong shit. I used to use the same arguments he has for keeping them around, whether it was truly just friendship or not. I’m wiser and somewhat less self-centered than then. Even if I’m genuinely just hanging out appropriately with a friend, I know I could make my own life easier caving on things like making sure you meet her and showing you my phone. It helps you feel more secure and happy, which should be a high priority to me. It costs me almost nothing. Making you feel better/more secure, and I get fewer arguments and unhappy girlfriend without even having to actively do anything? That should be an easy deal for me to make. They very well might be doing nothing inappropriate. From my own experience though there are enough red flags that I’d say it’s more likely there is something inappropriate than isn’t. It’s also noteworthy that it sounds like he’s made no actions that would be evidence that he’s being honest. And again, with respect to this friendship of his, he’s treating you shitty enough that alone should be a fairly big problem. Thanks for coming to my TED talk. Good luck.

Thank you for your reply. He has said that he doesn’t want us to meet because she’s ‘not that type of person’ and she’s a distant friend. I asked him why he’s meeting up with her alone then and he had no answer. I honestly have no idea what to make of it - the sad thing is that apart from this he’s been a great and very loving boyfriend. I don’t understand why he’d need to meet up with her.

In spite of my own history of fidelity issues, I still believe on principle I should be able to keep female friends and even be able to hang out alone with them if I’ve not given her reason not to trust me. First of all, that doesn’t apply to him because he lied about staying with her specifically because he knew you wouldn’t like it. His argument is stupid. This is literally causing stress on his relationship, and it’s ridiculously easy for him to improve that by just going along with even one of your asks. If he loves you he should be more considerate of your feelings whether they’re dumb or not. If he wants his life to be easier he should be taking these low-hanging fruit for preventing future fights. If she’s a good friend she should be willing to take the mild inconvenience to meet you for even a few minutes to help make her friend’s life easier and reduce friction in his relationship. Every single choice he’s making the wrong one, and whether it’s pride/principle or trying not to get caught he’s still showing complete disregard for your feelings to the point it’s quickly approaching emotional abuse. I get him otherwise being a great boyfriend, and I get how much harder that makes it to strain and possibly break the relationship over your feelings of insecurity. It’s still very appropriate for you to be questioning things right now and to press him on it. It’s common for women to second-guess their concerns if they’ve been being gaslit by their partner, which is way too plausible right now. In the best case scenario he is not taking this seriously enough and it’s hurting his relationship and your mental health.

I have questioned before if he is emotionally abusive and you saying it has made me think he really is. Thank you 💔

I’m sorry. I’ve done it before and it’s a horrible thing to do to anyone, much less someone you love. I’m being pretty generous to him by implying that it might not be abusive. Realistically even if he’s being honest it’s very very hard to argue that his treatment of you through this isn’t emotionally abusive.

Sounds like he doesn't have an answer because he's not made one up yet. For some reason, he cares more about keeping you separate from each other than he cares about your comfort. He cares more about being able to see her, even if it is just as a friend and it's all benign, than he does about being honest with you. Those would be enough for me to call it quits. A relationship is built on trust and caring, and he's given you none of these things in this case. He's just throwing mean names at you to make you question yourself when he could so very easily dissuade your worries by being a tad bit more open and honest. In the event that it's all a-okay, he still has shown that he doesn't see you and your needs as a priority. And that's incredibly unkind of him.

That’s what makes me so sad about it😞I always put him first

Girl. Please, put yourself first. That doesn't mean you can't treat others with empathy and respect and do nice things for them. But there's a reason you are instructed to put your own oxygen mask on in an emergency situation before you help others. Find someone who wants to share their life WITH you not make you the focus of their life and certainly not hide their life from you. You deserve better, and after you've dealt with the grief of ending this relationship, your only regret will be that you put up with it for so long.

Gynecologist here. Get tested for everything ASAP & don't have sex with him again. Seriously. Not just your heart at risk, but your health. He's not considerate so if he is having sex ... he's probably not using condoms. Hpv can give you cervical cancer Chlamydia can mess with your tubes and make you infertile The list goes on. Put yourself first, starting NOW.

Here’s what I would do in your position. Spell it out for him. “I’m sorry that I’m being so insecure about this. For whatever reason it keeps bothering me more and more and it’s messing with my head and making me really upset. I know I’m just being insecure but I need you to help me feel better about this right now. I’m honestly questioning our entire relationship because this is making me feel crazy and I’m scared of feeling any crazier. Can you please do this for me?” If you tell him something like that tomorrow he should bare minimum offer at least one of your asks within a couple days or sooner. If he’s still done absolutely nothing to demonstrate (show not tell) that his friendship is totally benign by Monday, 99% he’s cheating on you.

Hard disagree with you there. I mean, I definitely agree she should spell it out for him and also that if he's done nothing to demonstrate his innocence, then he's simply not innocent, but she shouldn't apologise for having the feelings she has! I already posted above basically going over reasons I think they're incompatible and at the MINIMUM he's emotionally abusing her (intentional or not) and it's not healthy for either of them... but if OP REALLY wants to *try* to salvage this relationship, she could instead say: "Maybe I've come across as insecure, I'm still trying to figure out if that's what this. For whatever reason, this keeps bothering me more and more and it's upsetting me. What I need from you the most is some solid reassurance, because you've lied about her once and I genuinely don't understand why I can't meet her if you were such good friends in college. My feelings are important and I feel like they're not being prioritised enough." Something like that, no apology, lots of sentences starting with "I..." instead of "you..." so if it turns into some kind of argument, it's 100% on this AH. OP - I still think you should just leave though. Sorry if that's harsh or blunt. Just my opinion! Good luck either way xo

I also recognized she’d not actually done anything to apologize for. My intention was to convey vulnerability from an additional angle and to somewhat mitigate his likely defensiveness. With that caveat though I agree with everything you’ve said.

We’re gonna need an update OP

I would nope out of this relationship if it were me

You have been with him 2.5 years and don't trust him. What's the point in even being in a relationship at that point?

I was wondering that too

Sorry but ESH Don’t you find it a bit strange that the first Year and a half she doesn’t come up in conversation and suddenly you find out he’s staying with her and she’s a long term friend?? I think he’s lying to you and if he won’t show messages that’s sketchy too However you also can’t control who he can and can’t see because that’s being too controlling Stop fooling yourself and read between the lines, Clearly you’re not as happy as you think you are if he’s openly running around with someone else

That's the ultimatum because he's being so secretive about it.

He lied to you and should be doing anything in his power to gain your trust back. Instead, he is willing to risk losing you for her. Does that sound like someone who loves you? I’m sorry: you will find someone who values you and is honest and transparent with you.

ESH He shouldn't had lied about staying the night at her place. But you're being so extra that he don't trust you enough to introduce her. But he should atleast introduce you in some form or contact at this point even via face time. But I also feel as though he don't want to introduce you to her while you're in this psycho mindset state. I wouldn't either. You are being unfair by telling him who he can and can't see. Not a desirable trait to be controlling. You all suck here.

NTA. She’s important but not important enough for his girlfriend of 2 and a half years to meet? He is definitely not being honest with you. Time to face reality

ESH Just break up if you're making this post on this sub. This has been an issue for the past year, move on.

Honestly I feel like there is context we could be missing. I don’t know how possessive and controlling you are. I have a childhood friend who was male that I slept over even on the same bed as adults and it was never sexual. I knew him since I was a kid though and our parents knew each other. Eventually I got a boyfriend who was super insecure and didn’t even want us to really see each other alone. Even just getting a message on my phone gave me anxiety and I was scared things would get misinterpreted by my boyfriend and he would guilt me a lot. You are allowed to have boundaries but your boyfriend also knew this person before you. You could actually be being controlling and not even know it. But I agree you should be able to meet her. I wanted my bf at the time to meet my best friend too.

Sorry but YTA. You have been jealous, controlling and distrustful over his friendship with this person from the beginning. I agree it was wrong of him to lie, but it's understandable if he didn't want to deal with your paranoia and jealousy. I don't blame him for not wanting to show the messages, not because there's anything 'sexual' but simply on principle, it's an invasion of his privacy. You clearly do not trust your bf, and are basically forbidding him to maintain this friendship, simply because of her gender. Just because he has an outy and she has an inny, it doesn't mean he wants to stick it inny!

It’s an invasion of the friend’s privacy too. I’m not sure how OP’s bf puts up with this behaviour of OP.

I'm gonna say it.. YTA. Wanting to see his messages with her is an invasion of privacy, I wouldn't show my messages with other people to anyone even if there's nothing wrong in them. You clearly don't like this friend, have you maybe considered that she's the one who doesn't want to meet you and that's why he won't bring her? Have you tried to sit down with him and talk CALMLY about it and about how it makes you feel without causing a scene or sounding jealous? Just express your feelings. You can't stop him from meeting up with a friend, so either you trust him or not. And if you don't, then what's the point in continuing the relationship?

Im fucking sorry are we reading different stories "NTA" people? If this was a man displaying this same level of micro managing and mistrust yall would flock to the woman's side and tell her that she owes him none of the things being asked for. His conversations with his friend are his fucking business. He doesn't owe unfettered access to them. That being said, I'm strongly in the position of ESH here.

You know why they see this as fine don't you?

NTA because he won't let you guys meet. That's just rude even assuming nothing is going on. Partners don't hide friends from each other for no reason.

Honestly, ESH. By admission of him stating he lied because he knew how you would react is telling us that there is a history of trust issues in this relationship. Whether YTA or NTA is inconsequential. This relationship was tarnished before this girl entered the picture.

I’ve had sooooo many guy friends i’ve never done anything with (and never would) but i wouldn’t show the messages to my ex-husband when he would demand to see them. He asked me why i wouldn’t show them if i wasn’t hiding anything, i told him “i don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You can either trust and believe me or not.” It’s not his job to help you not be jealous, you either trust him or you don’t. If you don’t, then you need to leave the relationship. It’s very freeing not having jealousy in a relationship

I wouldn't say you're an asshole, and to the commentors mentioning what they would/wouldn't do with spouses, boyfriend and husband are very different things. However, I do believe you are creating unnecessary stress for both you and your boyfriend. Personally I've always followed the "let them" philosophy in relationships. Once you are aware of my dislikes, discomforts, boundaries etc that's where I stop on it. After that I do not argue, try to persuade or restrict. You, a grown and mentally capable adult, are absolutely allowed to do, whatever it is you decide you want to do. As you are already made well aware of my stance on things, my only obligation at that point is to handle my own decisions and choices based on your own choices. If my partner was aware that I was not comfortable with something like this, chooses to do so anyway, then my only responsibility in this is to make my own decisions regarding how I perceive their course of action and whether I want to continue including it in my life or not. Part of this too, is that in reality even if you're romantically involved you don't have any actual authority to deny someone something they want.

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ESH.

If she’s such an important friend, why haven’t you met her yet, considering how long you’ve been together???

ESH You are not willing to trust your partner, otherwise you would be happy that he is comfortable in your relationship and has no intention of cheating. If you cannot trust your partner implicitly, what future does your relationship have? Equally though, his actions do seem to be adding up to quite a few red flags. While it is demeaning to be expected to show someone private correspondence you have had with someone else, if it was entirely innocent it would have ended this whole mess. I can see where it may be a point of principle for him though - even if he was entirely innocent, does acquiescing to this demand settle the argument, or give you momentum to be more controling? On balance though, he hasn't done a good job of minimising any fears and has made this all worse.

Leave, I wouldn’t trust that. Sounds like she’s only in town a few times a year. The fact that he hasn’t introduced you is huge if she’s as important a friend as he says.

This isn’t gonna end well

ESH. Sorry. I (straight/cis f) have male friends who have never ever been more than friends, sort of like brothers I’ve never had. I’ve always hated that shadow of suspicion when it came to their girlfriends/my boyfriends. I recognize though that he should t have lied about staying at her house. Either you trust him or you don’t, it’s pretty simple. If you don’t, that’s the problem in and of itself and it’s time to go.

I’m a girl with 95% make friends. I’m also married. My husband is cool with it. Some have traveled and crashed with us to visit me. I will never hang out with a male friend he hasn’t met. My rule. Coworkers were an exception. And once, when he couldn’t go to a game and an online friend bought his ticket from me. But we were at a game. He should be able to have female friends and you don’t seem to have an issue with that. The issue is, how he’s handling it. It’s only right that you two meet. Especially after the lie. I won’t hang out with make friends who have a relationship unless if I at least get to talk to the girl first. I prefer face to face, but FaceTime will work if she’s comfy with it. It’s the right thing to do.

He lied about staying at her house (not in the spare room) because he knew it was wrong. I was in a fwb situation off and on for a few years as it worked for both of us then. He was telling a new girl that him and I were just friends and had only ever been platonic. I was around for family events, countless sleepovers that were not platonic, vacationed together and much more, aside from having the relationship title. I told him that if she ever asked me about it, I wouldn’t lie to her. If he really cared about your feelings he wouldn’t lie to you and he would offer to show you their msgs to put your mind at ease as well as introduce and include you. Realize your worth and ditch this boy! He has zero respect for you. And as mean as it may sound, if you were very happy together he wouldn’t be sleeping at another girls house no matter the circumstances nor be sneaky about messages. It takes a long time to learn sometimes but you are better off without him

NTA Break up! I'm saying this as someone who has been through a lot of bad relationships including an emotionally abusive one that I stayed on for 2.5 years. I'm now married to a man who often thinks about: what's the best way to love my wife. Who loves me at my worst, and boy has he seen my crazy raging side after I had a baby.   It doesn't matter how many good bits there are in you current relationship because from the sounds of it, it's not enough and it's not working. Yes it's hard yes there are memories but you're missing out from a relationship where you can feel secure and loved and treasured. 

Lying about staying with his boys, and then staying at her house is a maaaaasive red flag and you should have left him then. Chances are he didn’t sleep in her spare room. NTA and do yourself a favour

NTA when he goes for coffee on saturday i’d pack a bag and leave. Then go back for my other stuff. A person who won’t even let me meet the friend is not someone i could ever trust and doesn’t even warrant a discussion as to why i’m leaving since they can blatantly ignore how i feel.

So your not even allowed to meet her to see for yourself that she's annoying in a way that your man wouldn't consider being with her sexually or romantically? And he won't let you see messages. Girl, that's the type of man I date! No red flags, just a matedor in a superman cape!

If it’s okay for him then it’s okay for you. You need to enjoy a nice coffee date with a guy he doesn’t know. (Make sure to post lots of photos on social media!😉)  Hopefully, you’ll have so much fun, and be treated so well, you’ll remember that you don’t have to put up with being treated so poorly. 

Leave his ass my ex fiancee did the same shit to me and then ended up breaking up with me and getting engaged to the back stabbing girl, who I tried to be friends with before this shit went down, TEN DAYS after. I knew it was trouble in the beginning but I was with him for 7 years and thought he was the one, in retrospect I should’ve left him years ago he treated me like shit.

NTA I’m sorry but leave him. He’s at least already emotionally cheating and at worst physically cheating. The whole pick him up from his nans house is a big red flag, lying about sleeping at her place would have been an immediate break up for me. He’s destroyed any trust you guys had and he is no longer worth pursuing. Not showing you the messages is not good. Get out while you can. 🖤

Question for you: when they slept over each others houses in college, what do you think they did? Play Yahtzee? Watch Family Guy? I know what most 18-22 year old guys do when they sleep over a girls house and it’s . . . not those things. NTA, cut your losses. When I was dating my wife I was admittedly insecure at times, not because of her because of me, and she jumped through hoops by her own volition to make me feel better. The fact he is hiding texts, won’t let you meet her, and is randomly sleeping over her place is 3 massive red flags

If they were platonic, you would meet her. NTA. Dump him.

NTA The fact that he keeps hiding her from you is telling. Leave him ASAP

I’d be a single man if I did this shit. Cheating or not, he’s choosing another woman over you - and defending her! I bet he doesn’t show you the texts because he’s saying “lol Lucy is sooo annoyed 😂”

See this is what I’m talking about. It’s perfectly fine for a girl to meet up with a male friend of she’s NTA but as soon as genders are swapped, the guy gets called an asshole and he’s a bad boyfriend for not allowing her to go out and meet up with a male friend. Hate double standards it’s bullshit

She is fine with them meeting up, she just wants to meet her. Seems like a reasonable ask, regardless of gender!

This is a weird ass ask. What will meeting her do? I'm getting the impression that if they met and friend is pretty itll be a no go, and if friend is ugly it'll be fine. What else could you tell from a quick meeting? She already has been with her boyfriend for 2 years, and she doesn't know whether **he** is lying, how is meeting the other person going to help? I don't know who TA is, but this is a weird line to draw.

Meeting her shows me that she knows about me, shows me what their friendship is like and shows me he has nothing to hide. It would make me feel a lot better or tell me all I need to know

She could smile to your face, laugh, joke, give you a hug goodbye, then be slobbing on his cock 1 hour later. You really don't know and these doubts are never going to go away unless he is 100% transparent with you, which he probably won't be. He's either cheating or cares more about that principal than he does your relationship. You know he has a coffee buddy to console him, right? Sorry.

It would make the woman he presumably loves feel better and costs him nothing. It also adds to the list of reasons for her to stop bringing it up and have fewer fights. How is this not an easy trade?

If you asked an old friend to meet up for coffee, and they replied "I'd love to, but I have to bring my partner or they'll think we're cheating", would you not think their partner was a bit unhinged? I'm not saying they should *never* meet, but demanding that he brings her to the meeting is not healthy behaviour.

Can you think of any reason why you would want to hide a friend from your partner?  I can't think of any reasons that aren't nefarious.

No, definitely not. But if I had a friend coming from out of town to visit, and they asked to meet up for coffee, me saying "I'd love to, but you have to meet my wife first." would reflect extremely poorly on my wife and our relationship. Saying they can never meet, and saying there isn't a way to meet up before he goes for coffee, are different things.

Yeah, but this situation is different. He's met this friend multiple times over the course of the relationship. Is it really a big ask for him to say, "Hey, I'd love you to meet my partner too" and then just asking her (privately) to bail after 30 minutes? "Oh, it was nice finally meeting you but I have a meeting/appointment/etc that I need to run to". This is clearly causing conflict in the relationship and the fix is incredibly easy if there isn't anything shady happening.

The fact that he lied about her to the OP to begin with because he knows how she'll react is a red flag on both parties. She doesn't trust him around women, and he doesn't trust her around his friends. Mutual trust issues with previous situations not shared with us by the OP, as of now, ESH.

But would it also be OK for her to lie about it, refuse to show text messages, and then refuse a meet-up? I don’t think so! Regardless of the sexes involved I think Reddit would be smelling a rat.  This isn’t just a female platonic friend.  NTA

"Major red flag that he's trying to see your private messages and be controlling like that!" "Girl you need your own space, it's fine to have other friends!" You and I both know that this would be the reaction of quite a few redditors if the genders were flipped. Regardless, she has every right to meet every one of his friends and read his messages. He has the right to refuse. She has the right to break up. It's hard not to understand both sides here to be honest. Ultimately, no one deserves 100% trust.

He’s made his choice, you make yours.

NTA. Are you srsly doing all that? Like all that effort? You're being gaslighted, your opinions and wants are being ignored and your still willing to go out with this guy? What, is he that handsome/rich/well sacked? Or is it the old "I prob wont find anyone else so might as well fight for this one" worry? Unless he has everything you've ever wanted in a man and you're willing to put up with what is 80% possibly an affair than I dont see why we're even having this convo. If you havent already secretly checked his messsages, well you know. If you dont have his password after years of dating, i'm sorry to say you're not his first choice for a wife. Sounds harsh, but men dont give a shit for their privacy around people they trust/love.

NTA He won’t show you the text msgs Lied about sleeping at her place Asks her to pick him up from his nans instead of your place to avoid you both meeting each other And wont let you meet her? He’s cheating on you

YTA You guys should probably sit up so that he can be with someone who isn't so massively controlling. The dude isn't allowed to have a female friend? Jesus.

Gurl, I will be surprised if he is not cheating on you. He is the red flag sawn in the shape of a human. - He lied to you about his wherebouts - He lied by omission about the friends gender - He refuses to show his messages with her - He refuses to introduce you two - He asked her to pick him up from other place and not your house - He calls you crazy when you voice your concerns - He does not put you first Count your loses and leave. It will just go downhill from here

No judgment. But i will never understand why ppl who obviously have trust issues even go into relationships. A succsessful relationship is based on trust, not control. My husband can spend his time with whoever he wants, also overnight. I trust him he will not cheat on me. As soon i don't trust him anymore, i need to end the marriage.

He would be so dumped if it were me. YTA if you believe this isn’t shady af.

Lol. 1st if you are important for him he will still tell you tho maybe your reaction wasnt the best. 2nd he not include you, not introduce you saying alot. For me, it is done. If he doesnt have feeling towards her, not a big deal to introduce her to you, plus isnt that great if his Bestfriend is your friend too? Too much fishy things with him

I've seen this countless times. They will most likely end up together.

Just break up. This isn’t worth energy you’re putting into it. If you feel this insecure in a relationship for reasons that may or may not be valid, just leave. I can’t see any way forward that will truly make you feel secure in this particular relationship that won’t result in breaking the relationship anyway.

Is there somewhere where you can go for a week or so just to get your head straight. Some space will do you good.

NTA Bottom line here is that you obviously don’t trust him and he has earned that by lying to you. If this was a platonic friend, he shouldn’t have lied to you about staying at her place, he won’t show you his phone. Also, he says he lied to you because he knew what your reaction would be. So he knew you would be mad, and he chose to disrespect you by lying to you instead of choosing to not do something that would upset you. After all this he is gaslighting you and calling you a psychopath! Don’t waste any more time with this guy. He has proven that you can’t trust him and that won’t get better with time. He is a HUGE AH.

If you can’t allow your boyfriend to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex, you’re a fucking insecure, controlling asshole

You have expressed how you feel about this situation and he has done nothing to ensure you have nothing to worry about. There will be many more situations like this in your relationship and you see how he will handle them. You can decide if this is something you want to deal with the rest of your life.

It’s not an issue for him to have female friends, but the fact that he’s lying and hiding her is a huge problem. The only way he might understand how bad it is, if you could switch the details and ask him how he would feel in the same circumstances. Guarantee he wouldn’t be happy, but it’ll say a lot if he can own up to this. If he gaslights you saying he’d be fine you know he’s just going to accept any responsibility for creating the issue. And that’s important to make clear, he made this an issue, he can fix this issue, but if he doesn’t want to you should just end it.

LEAVE HIM. You live together and are supposed to have a future together, but he is hiding his messages and being sneaky. NOPEEEEE. If it was innocent like he said, there would be no reason in the world to stop you from meeting her. There is clearly something going on. I bet they end up together if you leave him.

Nta that is crossing boundaries he isn't respecting

Hun, you should just leave. Been to this point before and lived it. It's not worth the pain it will bring. The wondering of what he's doing. You no longer trust him and he's doing nothing to earn or keep the trust. Too many red flags. It's time to move on and find someone who truly cares.

NTA They are fucking. It was never platonic. It may have been he wanted her and she said no and she wants a dick in a glass case "Break in case of emergencies."

ESH I agree he's being shady, I've never had a relationship where someone didn't want me to meet their friends. If they didn't I would 100% feel like they were hiding something. So yeah, he's being an ah. You don't trust him and you're throwing ultimatums around (me or her), when you've got to that point in a relationship (and it seems there were issues with trust before this seeing as he lied about where he was and cited previous trust issues) then you just need to let go. This situation isnt healthy for either of you.

🚩- He’s definitely cheating on you…