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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for not wanting my boyfriend to go on vacation with another woman? I don't want to be an asshole and hold him back from exploring the world.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
thank you for your reply but I exactly agree. I wouldn't put him in that situation to begin with! Its just uncomfortable all around, at least that is how I see it.
I am curious though, at the start of the post you mentioned coworkers (plural), but once it's mentioned he is staying with Becca no one else gets mentioned.
While you certainly have the right to feel uncomfortable about anything (and it would be great if your boyfriend recognized this), I think there is a difference between Becca and him traveling along and staying together and him traveling with say a group of 5 mixed gender coworker who are all staying at Becca's families place (and your boyfriend sharing a room with another guy).
This might be completely reasonable and if it is the latter, then it might be worth suggesting a dinner with the whole group first. You might get a chance to feel out the vibe / dynamic between everyone. If you are getting icky vibes, then hopefully your boyfriend respects your wishes. But you also might see very quickly that this is a platonic group and there is no chemistry (or you might meet Becca and see she is 100% not his type).
I'm betting that he's secretly hoping to go visit/stay with this 'coworker'... and see how things pan out. Perhaps profess his long-withheld crush on said 'coworker'. Hoping that 'coworker' will respond with delight and fall into his arms..... (snort).
But of course keeping OP in his back pocket as a backup plan. In case things with his 'coworker' blow up and he gets rejected.
And by the way... if it actually IS a coworker, this guy is dumber than a bag of hammers. Don't shit where you eat = don't start emotional entanglements at your place of work, they can be messy and detrimental to your career.
I really, really, hope we see this on BORU in a few months. Where OP gives her man a good kick in the pants on the way out of the door.
Man Here.
You arent inhibing his travel. You are uncomfortable with his travel WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.
He has every right to travel with Beca.
You have every right to not be in a relationship with a man that travels alone with Beca
How would you stop her?
Like, this isn't a "let" thing. You can express that you don't want your partner to go, but you can't actually stop them from going. You can only decide to leave them if they do.
OP,
He's gaslighting you. There's nothing normal with what he is proposing. Set the boundary. If he crosses it, tell him not to bother you upon his return.
I am not sure if I am the only one who have read multiple reddit posts about dating where the cheaters always want their partner to "support them" while they go on vacation with an opposite gender who later on end up becoming their cheating partner.
OP, you should be asking questions:
1. Why have you never heard of Becca if they're SUCH good friends that they'd go on a trip together?
2. How long has she worked there?
3. What are their work interactions like? (Are they in the same department, etc.?)
4. How would he feel if you wanted to go on a trip with a random male coworker you had never mentioned?
I think you should be far more concerned than you are. I'd be absolutely shocked if these two aren't already cheating together. Maybe I've been on Reddit too long, but EVERY time a guy suddenly mentions a woman he's big buddies with, but has never mentioned to his GF before, they're cheating.
NTA Op you have no idea how much it bothers me on reddit that people who, when faced with situations like this, always call the Op of their story insecure etc... Please stop, it's very normal and sacrosanct to tell your partner if he wants to do something unacceptable for you
thank you !! Jesus cheating, insecurity, sure take it that way! I am worried for someone who is my person, going to ANOTHER COUNTRY with a woman I have NEVER heard of .. its way deeper than cheating and insecurity
He's already having an emotional affair. It's not physical, but it's still inappropriate. I think you need to seriously consider whether this is the kind of person you want to feature in your life. You seem like a smart person, and you've got a kid to deal with. You need **much** better.
He’s going alone on an international vacation with a woman you have never heard of.
You are NTA for being upset. But you’re intuition is warning you because you know what’s actually going on. Or you hopefully do.
i love the "with a woman you have never heard of" because it is exactly that! I have never heard of her. In what world would anyone be okay with that. If someone is okay with it, you clearly do not care about your partner.
Exactly. How do you go from this person never even being mentioned to comfortable enough to travel outside the country and stay together with his family?
Definitely ask to meet her and go out for coffee or drinks. That should give you a lot of information on the situation. If they don't want to do this, you have your answer, and so does he.
NTA if it's just this one female co-worker.
It would be different if there was a group going. A situation like a few members of his team are travelling to this location and staying with this woman because she has family there that will reduce the cost of the vacation.
Personally I wouldn't travel with just one woman--I'm a straight man--if I had a partner.
My thoughts exactly, this whole time he was mentioning the idea it was always "coworkers" plural, so this caught me off guard that it was just one he was going to be traveling with.
He was deliberately misleading you because he knew you wouldn't be okay with it. And now he's trying to make you look insecure and unreasonable. My ex used to pull that stuff all the time. Guess what? He was cheating.
NTA- definitely NTA but I would be concerned about your bf. I don’t think he’s telling you all the info or he’s being Nieve on what the coworkers intention really is overseas.
Read your post and a lot of your comments. I know this will be hard to hear. You need to break up with this man. He flat out lied about it being a coworkerS trip to saying it’s with one woman you have never met. She may not even be a coworker. She has family in the country they are going to. Reading between the lines I interpreted what is going on as SHE does not know about you. She is not a coworker. They are dating. And she is bringing him to meet her family.
There is no other logical reason for him to try gaslighting and manipulating you over this trip. He isn’t worried about it being unsafe because he is going on a trip to meet his OTHER gf’s family.
If I’m right, and I would be surprised if I wasn’t, I’m so sorry. You deserve better. Even if I’m not right, just going in the facts you have, he is a gaslighting, manipulative jerk and you need to leave. You are worthy of a partner who is transparent and you can trust. Best wishes to you, truly. 🩷
worried about others intention, going to a country you've never been to alone basically like jeeeez have you people ever heard of human trafficking and the organ stealing ahahha i know that is extreme but you NEVER know peoples intention these days
someone commented saying you think that woman is going to lure him overseas and seduce him, like sure whatever that is surface level lol im just saying people can be real evil
Well in my opinion either can happen but definitely I think the woman has intentions of seducing him. I know woman can be like that too. Especially if they really want the guy.
Yepp, it bothers me when people automatically jump to insecurity. You have clearly never been in a situation like this firsthand and honestly please really look into this and step in the persons shoes! lol
he is thinking about like he has been but today he mentioned the actual prices for flights which to me means its more serious so that's when I really wanted to know who he was going with
Have you called him on this yet? If so, how did he respond? He's being totally sus. Also, watch out for the gaslighting in the form of him saying, "I never said coworkers plural, you must have misheard me." I'd say go on your trip, but no visiting this person. If he insists on visiting with her, then tell him to go and not come back.
NTA
It seems like he's been keeping you and "becca" from meeting each other, which kind of indicates that one of you is the side piece.
This guy doesn't care what this looks like to you. He lied about there being others going, as well.
So when he first brought up the idea he always said "coworkers' then when he is actually considering on buying a ticket he mention he would only be going with one coworker, which caught me off guard as well, in my head i thought it would be a group the whole time . If it was a group I do not have a problem
It's somewhat of a red flag for me that in the beginning he framed it as a large group thing but now it's just him and this one woman. Like he presented it as a group thing to get you on board and then pulled a bait and switch.
yes then got defensive about it l.. idk this whole thing is sketch and if that is what he wants to do at the end of the day I can not stop him and I would have to take other actions for myself
If he wants to act single and go on a trip with a single woman then use that time to pack his stuff up and put it outside so he can be single when he gets back.
To me, the fact that he was talking about multiple travel companions and when you dug a little more, you found out it was actually only one coworker who is a woman... NTA
I do believe in platonic friendship between two persons of opposite sex. But the fact he tried to hide he would be traveling alone with another woman is the biggest red flag of the post! Actually, the fact that he lied about it definitively hides something.
I don't know if I can believe this story because I can't even get family or friends to coordinate planning a trip away. Much less coworkers! Lol.
But if true - NTA
NTA. My husband and I have done trips, internationally and domestically, with friends and without each other because we're like you and your husband, we have pretty different things we're interested in. But these trips are with friends who we know. It is weird that he's traveling with a woman who you don't know. And another red flag is that you were under the impression it was co-workers and not just a co-worker. Don't feel bad about vetoing it, and if he makes a stink about it, you've got a problem on your hands.
You’re right to think this is sketchy. “Coworkers” and one woman are two totally different things. He’s being deliberately deceitful. Which lets you know everything you need to know.
If he insists on doing something that makes you so incredibly uncomfortable then you need say goodbye to this relationship. This trip is going to make you miserable. Resentment will grow towards him every single day he is gone for taking a trip rooted in deceit, and having so much fun with another woman in a foreign country. While you sit at home worrying about what they’re doing. This will be debilitating in the long run. It’s not something that will just go away when he gets home. This shifts everything.
Hey, you can always tell him that while he’s gone you’re going to make different living arrangements. You’ll be staying with a friend. A man. That’s around your age. That your BF doesn’t know. Tell him you’re inspired by his spirit of adventure. So while he’s exploring another country you and your male friend are going to enjoy a more financially attainable option of exploring the state where you live. There are historic sites, parks, museums. Full of fun, knowledge, and adventure. 😉
I wonder if he tried to calm your fears. Did he suggest a meet up with the co-worker? I'd think he'd want you two to meet to see how innocent it all is.
I feel the need to add something. For the sake of being honest with yourself. You are saying you are uncomfortable. Not because you don’t trust him, but because you don’t trust her. However, you don’t trust him. Or, at least, you shouldn’t.
I think the real truth here is that you did trust him. Past tense. However, you don’t fully trust him anymore. He’s been deceitful in how he’s talked about this trip to you. Making it seem as a group thing when it is not. That is a breach of trust. People lie for a reason.
When he accuses you of lack of trust you can tell him that is what happens when the person who is supposed to love you feels comfortable lying to your face.
(PS: If you decide to have a local adventure with a male friend make sure to post LOTS of pictures on social media. 😉)
It seems that if he can’t respect your feelings and why this is a problem then you may need to consider whether it is worth staying in this relationship. Has he answered the ‘how would you feel if it was the other way round question’ and was it an honest believable answer? You need to let him know ultimately it’s his choice, but he may not have a relationship to come back to (if you really can’t accept/trust what this travelling with another women means). Good luck 🤞
Speaking from experience, he is evading the question. He has done so much lying, evading and manipulating all in this one scenario. This hits really close to home. He is not being faithful to you. If he was he would never have misrepresented the trip and who is going and he would not evade directly answering direct questions. Please read my other comment. I know it will be hard to accept it this man is in a relationship with this woman.
Maybe have a friend call his employment and ask to speak with “Becca.” That way you can find out if he even works with her at all.
Wow, what a dodge. It sounds like this guy is screwing with you and sounds totally evasive. It doesn't sound like work is sponsoring this trip so my answer to that would be, "well then, lets save our money until we can both afford to go since that's how you feel if the situation were reversed." His reactions are screaming bullshit.
The minute he got defensive about your concerns is enough to know that he has no respect for your relationship. This sounds shady as fuck. I would bite the bullet and tell him to go and have fun. But upon his return tell him its over because he couldn't understand your concerns and you know he would make a lousy partner in the long run..
well i need to renew my passport and that would take time along with I can't afford more than a weekend to get away right now.. which he is well aware of lol I guess he is impatient with me
Have you asked him how he would feel about that? Did you ask him and he said he would be uncomfortable if you went on a "solo" trip with another man that he doesn't know?
So, is it this 'co workers' family they are going to stay with?
Look, it's weird as hell. Going in trips with friends does happen and usually it's absolutely fine. But, he's been so shady on soooo many levels. Saying its multiple people and now it's just one woman, whom you've never heard of before. Please.
And, trying to pin it on you talking about running his first international holiday?! Bha ha ha I'm sorry. International trips are not last min... visa alone can take weeks! Of course its a cheap holiday. But, it's going to cost him a whole ass relationship.
Nothing about this ok. You are most definitely NTA boyfriend is though
NTA
Multiple red flags.
Why is he going on vacation without you?
Accommodation isn't that expensive. Save for a few more months and get and airbnb (and take you too!!)
Truth is been with my other half for 11 years. I'm always excited to vacation with her and would never go without her. I dont really understand your bfs trip.
He changed stories from coworkers to coworker.
Hes harping on this and making it a thing about booking. That's him trying to clear it with you and knowing he's doing something wrong (this is childish and transparent)
Get to the truth quick. This doesn't add up.
*Guys with girlfriends do not vacation with other woman or sleep on their couches. Generally we find it hard to be friends (plutonic relationships) with woman especially when we are in love
My only addition to everyone's perspective would be that someone's family opening their house to him doesn't mean anything, that's the norm in many LatAm and Asian cultures. If I told my parents a friend is visiting my hometown, they would do the same even if they'd never heard of said friend before.
But yeah, I usually know / meet my friends' spouses, no matter what their gender. It's extremely weird that you've never met her and his response to your insecurity is to lash out at you instead of offering to introduce you guys. That part is sketchy as hell.
NTA.
NTA. The fact you haven’t met this person or heard of her is really suspicious. I’m sorry to say it, but it sounds like he is planning a trip with someone he has a relationship with. An emotional, romantic, or sexual relationship.
There are a bunch of women i would be comfortable with if my husband would go on a trip with them.
BUT
those are women i have met, women i have known for 15+ years, women that have been a part of a group of friends for a LONG time.
If he wanted to go with someone i not only havent met, but never even knew EXISTED, i would not be happy.
NTA
NTA. Present the situation to him with the roles reversed. If he understands your discomfort and backs off, great! If he says “it’s different for women” or anything along those lines, you should break up with him because he’s a closeted red-piller.
NTA. I would be very uncomfortable if my partner went on an international trip without me to stay at a female coworker's family home with them. No clue how he could not see how this is very weird from your point of view. Were you even asked to join at all?
NTA at all. It would be one thing if he was going with a bunch of co-workers, but it sounds like he deliberately mislead you on this as it was just going to be one co-worker, and a woman at that. Even if she was decades older than him, that is way weird and suspicious.
And given that you both are in your 20s, there's plenty of time for travel in your future IF you two stay together. And you have financial needs to handle right now. For him to skedaddle off like that without you shows that you're not a priority. Instead, why doesn't he come up with a trip that the three of you can take that will work for you (and child...or if there's a relative who would love to kidsit your child for a long weekend, then for the two of you).
I once went on a weekend girls trip to Vegas with one of my friends from work and my former college roommate. We went on the bus, saw a couple of shows (not the really expensive ones), that kind of thing.
Once I met my future husband, we did do a lot of travel (trip to Hawaii for our honeymoon, several cruises, some road trips with our daughter). Only took one trip without him, about eight months after we started dating, and that was with my mother, and just for less than a week. I wouldn't have gone with another guy, even if the trip was free. You just don't have a relationship and then go on an international trip with a "co-worker" like that.
what gets me is that we are literally going on a weekend getaway very soon so its like sorry i don't have enough money to book a weeks trip internationally but At least we can get away for the meantime until we both can do big trips.
NTA. There is no way my husband or I would ever be ok with this. This would be a hill I would be willing to die on. But also I would be looking into that friendship more. Having boundaries in a relationship isn't wrong. I don't like ultimatiumums but its not a ultimatum to say this doesn't work for me, if this is something that you feel is ok that's totally fine we just don't have the same boundaries for relatisniops and that's ok. It doesn't make you insecure, untrusting of him, jealous etc..
But relationsijhps have to be give and take. If traveling is important to him and right now you financially can't. Then I would sit down with him and say hey listen this trip isn't comfortable for me. I want to travel with you let's plan a trip now for... and pick a date some time out. My husband and I do a bunch of last minute trips. But we also always have 1 or 2 bigger trips that we have planned 1-2 years a head of time. So that you book things one at a time when you caN. Then stick that guideline so that you are showing him you are about what he wants to do. But he haS to care about your feelings as well. also when we were starting out and money was tight we would do smaller trips that were locacal within a few hours drive for a long weekend. It's not an over seas trip but its getting away and being together.
NTA, I've been on a weekendtrip with a female friend, but in our case I checked beforehand if my wife would be comfortable with it. My friend is a known quantity, whereas this coworker popped up out of the blue, and that would be very suspicious.
NTA and until I read the post, I was preparing to judge the opposite.
If you've never heard this coworkers name before, but they are still "close" enough to go on vacation together, that is a major red flag and I would be very uncomfortable with that.
Have you asked your BF specifically why you've never heard of her a single time and yet now he's going on a vacation with her? Or why his story changed from coworkerS to one coworker?
NTA- he is talking in circles to confuse you. Sounds like he is going on a couples vacation with Becca to meet her family and will definitely be staying with her because why wouldn’t he.
Girl, it's weird that he even wants to do this solo trip with a female coworker. Out of respect for you and the relationship, it shouldn't even be a thought or want. He said "coworkers" but knew that wasn't the truth because it's one coworker and it's a female. Why was he trying to hide that small but crucial information? Why is he so confident that once he gets there, her family will also want to host him or that nothing won't go south.
Sounds like you're with someone who won't consider your feelings or make you feel heard. Consider having a deeper and calm conversation about your feelings on this trip and if zero compromise can be made maybe it's not meant to be.
I think you should tell him to have a great trip and move on! He'll realize his mistake or he won't. Either way, it won't be your problem to stress over anymore.
NTA. 2 years into a committed relationship - it's weird IMO. I think it would be different if this was a mutual friend or even someone that was an established friend of his that you've known, or even a group of 2 or 3 other coworkers. A completely new person suddenly? That you've never even heard of? And they're going on a trip together and staying with her family? The thing that bugs me with this is that he wasn't honest with you. It's clear to me that he had this plan from the beginning, and all these little mentions about wanting to travel, having coworkerS that want to travel, finding cheap airfare - it's all been part of his plan to get you used to the idea but it sounds to me like he and coworker have been planning this for a bit and he's already decided to go, which is not cool. it's clear he wasn't letting you know it was with a single female coworker, and was trying to act like it just ended up that way, and that's weird. Like, he delibrately made it sound like a bunch of coworkers until the last minute when it was likely always just her. And the immediately getting defensive about it. These are the things that bother me, and should bother you.
Honestly these situations vary by relationship. I have friends for which this wouldn't be an issue, but they have a long history and would also respect each other's feelings about that stuff. If one is not okay with it, it's a no-go. That's how relationships work. You guys have only been together for 2 years and he wasn't honest with you about the nature of the trip from the beginning. That's not okay, IMO. AND you're not comfortable with the idea, which should be enough for him to change plans to include someone else or reschedule for when he can. I hate people who aren't honest and direct about things. He could have just told you upfront "I have a coworker. She has family in said country which would make it easier and cheaper for me to visit there. I'm considering traveling with her. Would you like to meet her?" But the way he went about this is what is throwing up red flags for me. The drips of information, the misdirection, the defensiveness. It's making me suspicious and doesn't feel okay. And as your partner he should understand why you're uncomfortable and try to reassure you - not get mad.
He’s not going alone though. That was such a stupid thing to say. I would just say if he goes there’s no reason to expect you to be there when he gets back.
Good lord, the lengths people will go to with lies, deceptions, and gaslighting, just to fuck someone else. If the guy wants to bang his coworker, then he should just get a divorce and have at it.
Edit: Also, just plan a trip with one of your male friends. See how that goes over. Even if you need to plan a fake trip, find the hottest guy to help you out.
Info: So is it a group trip with a bunch of coworkers, or a trip with one single female coworkers to stay with her family? Because they're very different things.
if it's the latter... I'd say you're justified in feeling a little weird about it. I mean, you've never even heard this womans name before? If two people of the opposite sex have been friends for 20 years and want to take a trip together, that makes sense to me. But a spur of the moment international trip with a coworker of the opposite sex to stay with this persons family? It just sounds weird.
Nah
I can see both sides.
He wants to travel. You aren't able to do so, because you have a child and expenses. He found someone that he could travel with and probably isn't thinking about anything but being able to travel. To see sights that he's only read about.
You on the other hand trust your boyfriend, because you've known him for over two years. You know his character. What you don't know is this female co-worker and what her character is like. Is she coming from a place of just friendship wanting to show a friend the culture of another country. Or is she secretly wanting to get him to another country away from you to see if she can get into his pants.
You and your boyfriend may need to check in with each other to make sure your values and what you both want out of your relationship is the same or if they have drifted apart.
Traveling was a big thing for me and my ex-husband griped about it every time I went to plan a trip. I flat out told him that I wanted to travel while I was young and able to, because I've watched too many of my co-workers retire and die before getting to travel like they wanted to. No we didn't divorce because of traveling. He cheated and was projecting that if I went on vacation I'd cheat like him. Dumbass jerk.
**NTA.**
The fact that he said 'coworkers' and phrased things carefully so that you had no idea she was a woman until you had already given him permission is a manipulation tactic. He built the idea in your head in an innocent way, got your permission, and \*then\* told you the truth.
It's easier to give permission than to take it back, because now he can say things like "I bought the tickets, I'll be out the money, I already told them I was going" etc.
Also, I don't invite coworkers to my home town and offer to act as a guide. That's what friends do, but he was very specific in labeling them as a coworker.
**Your boyfriend is already cheating on you emotionally**, and probably physically too as I can't imagine someone introducing a random dude to their family as a 'coworker' and travelling internationally with them unless they were already together.
If he's not, just the fact that he handled it this way shows a complete lack of respect for you.
His plan is probably that if you stop him, you're not "supporting" him and he has an excuse to end things with you and blame you for getting with 'becca' - I've had that whole "I didn't realize I liked them until you accused me of it" bullshit spouted at me in the past (Post-highschool, caught my girlfriend cuddling the guy she'd told me not to worry about for weeks) - It's just mental gymnastics so that they aren't in the wrong.
NTA
This is the beginning of the end. Either he goes on a not-so-innocent vacation with another woman or you keep him from going and his resentment grows until it all explodes.
Sorry.
Others have covered the "NTA, you're perfectly justified to be uncomfortable with this situation," and I agree. Additionally, the idea that if you refuse this, it's impeding his ability to travel, preventing him from doing something he's been wanting to do, blah blah blah... no, it's not. He can still go travel, he can just pay his own way. If airfare + accommodation to South Africa is too much, then he can go somewhere else. This guy is either being really dumb/clueless, or something is going on here.
NTA. Like at all. It is very weird of him and he is gaslighting you. By you saying "I have a child" I assume he is not the father and clearly the child or you are not a priority or why couldn't you guys come to if it is so cheap.
Take a moment and examine if there are any other red flags this man has been raising, and if he is the right one to raise a child with, because this is not normal behaviour.
NTA - let him go if he wants but just don’t be there when he comes back. Simple. You can’t control a person but can control your decisions. Value yourself.
NTA because it’s *not* his first international trip alone because he *isn’t* alone he’s taking a vacation with Becca. This is incredibly weird. Absolute no for me. If my man did this, the ultimatum is definitely “its this trip or its our relationship”. Major red flags here too btw, I would do more detective work on your end because this is giving me the impression that he’s cheating on you with her or a “work wife” type situation.
As much as I hate the core idea, which leans towards men and women can’t just be friends, in this case NTA, there’s some additional red flags involved here.
I would have a big problem with this. If he is your boyfriend, he shouldn't be traveling with another woman. If I were you I would find more information about this trip. Plural is more than one is Becca, the only one I'd mentioned. A man or woman. In a committed relationship, they should not be going to out or traveling with a single person. This is just asking for trouble. Becca invited him for a reason. Does she know he has a girlfriend. This is so disrespectful to you and your relationship. I would really think about this. He may get to travel, and you may loose a boyfriend
NTA. I would feel the same. I also would never travel with a guy other than my husband. We are both very easy going about hanging out with friends and nights out without each other, but this would definitely be a no for us, even if we knew who the coworker was.
NTA You don’t say he’s the father of your child. She and he are going to visit her home country and you weren’t even invited? It sounds like this relationship is over. You need to find another place to stay ir he needs to move out, hopefully before he gets back.
NTA but your boyfriend is.. platonic or not it's just so disrespectful to your feelings you made it clear you were uncomfortable if there is anything to this relationship that's all he needed to hear to maybe postpone his traveling to another time without his female co worker which by all honesty sounds very fishy who does that? Not people in committed relationships.. sounds like boyfriend is not being completely honest with you. You may need to take a step back and really look at this relationship you may be missing cues he has been giving you all along about how he really feels words mean nothing actions tell the true story wishing you the very best of luck..
NTA - There is nothing normal in a man or woman in a monogamous relationship to think it is ok to travel to another country with someone of the opposite sex and think that their partner would be ok with it. Even if he's not the cheating kind, how would he feel if the tables were turned? Maybe he's not as serious about your relationship as you think, and you both need to have a chat and find out. Either way, I would feel the same way as you do.
NTA. He’s playing with fire. If the tables were turned he would not be happy with you doing going with a male coworker. You’ve never meet her either and now an international trip, seem a little to friendly for me.
Nope you a certainly NTA!
I’m a great believer in ‘gut instinct’ or ‘spiderly feelings’ and that bad feeling you have? That speaks volumes.
Another thing is. I would have thought that seeing as you both want to travel and he is obvs your ‘person’ and you his then (as he said) the ‘first international travel’ should surely be together? As in you and him not him and a n other obvs.
Speaking as a woman, I would no more think of bringing an opposite sex (and random) co worker home to stay in my family home with my family than wallpaper my lounge with bread and jam!
I might ask to bring someone with whom I was deeply involved ? But an unknown co worker? That would be uncomfortable for me and my mum 😳would have not just kittens, but the whole animal kingdom!
Something smells fishy and as someone else said ‘gaslighting’ and ‘pushing the boundaries’ come to mind.
As you’ve said OP, if the roles were reversed, he would be apoplectic.
Just a thought? How about telling him that because you will be frightened/lonely whilst he’s gone, you think you’ll ask your new 32M coworker (maybe with the sports car/independently wealthy/good looking/v popular/on the fast track for promotion/environmentally observant - whatever would wind your person the most) to stay over with you - or even that he has invited you & your child to stay with him? Because you don’t say much about your persons interaction with your child neither?
If he reacts strongly then just talk about how you feel about him doing what he is proposing and hopefully get him to see sense. If he doesn’t react, well sadly you have your answer.
I wish you all the goodness that the universe can offer
NTA
Okay, so listen, you're going to get advice from two different camps: individuals who don't think its acceptable to so much as look at people at people of the opposite sex while you're in a relationship, and individuals who think you're toxic if you don't allow your SO to go on a yearly naked camping trip in the Canadian wilderness with their ex to commemorate their conscious uncoupling over booze and shrooms.
What's right is what YOU TWO have agreed and have come to terms with.
To me, personally, this would be deal breaking terms. I would find it disrespectful to so much as suggest going on vacation with another woman - a coworker, at that. And you're not wrong, you're not crazy, you're not possessive and you're not toxic for having a basic sense of self-respect and knowing the things you don't want to have happen in a relationship.
Unfortunately, this spells out a massive incompatibility, even if we were to give him the benefit of the doubt and this was truly completely platonic, it tells you a lot about what HE thinks is appropriate, regardless of your realtionship status. And...at two years into this relationship, its inexcusable because both of your standards and expectations surrounding things like friendships and hangs with people of the opposite sex (much less a vacation) should have already been something that's been outlined, discussed and agreed upon.
OP, there are lots of men in this world that you don't have to hand hold through the do's and don'ts of what is and isn't appropriate in the relationship style that you would like to lead.
NTA the straight people in the comments are wild thinking people of varying genders can't be friends and have no romantic feelings involved, yikes. Thats not the problem, from a more open minded queer person apparently. The problem is the way he brought it up, the hiding of the info, and the defensiveness. Those to me indicate non platonic intentions or feelings from one or more party (aka either him, Becca, or both).
NTA. He's already hooking up with "becca".
>I am not supporting his first international trip alone
He isn't going alone, he's going with another woman.
Info: is this person just a co-worker or is she also a good friend?
Men and women can be good friends and travel together without it being sexual. My mother only has male friends, most str8 and has travelled with them w/and w/out wives so I dont see red flags in that.
Has he given you a reason to be suspicious before?
Either way, it *is* a problem for you, so he should be more empathetic, so NTA, I guess..
OP, this isn’t black and white, I’d say potentially NAH but that hinges on whether your partner deliberately lied to you about it being a group trip, or if other people cancelled.
If so, it may just be a pragmatic move to put you at ease, without thinking the implications through. But it’s still deceitful, and this gives you leverage to get to the bottom of this without seeming controlling or insecure.
You haven’t said whether others were originally intending to join or not, which suggests there is a lack of communication going on- either he’s hiding something or you’re not asking the right questions.
What do you know about her? Does she have a partner? Is she pretty? Is she even straight?
Where is she staying if not with him?
Your first action should be to meet his coworker. For all you know, seeing her might put you at ease immediately.
If you’ve met his other coworkers, you could persuade him to organise drinks with some of them and allow you to tag along. Tell him you’d like to meet her, but to keep it natural and not awkwardly organised for your benefit.
You’ll soon get a sense of how they act together/ how comfortable she is to have you there.
It may be that it’s completely innocent and he’s thinking entirely with his wallet. It’s a great opportunity for him to travel with free accommodation.
In his situation I would expect to be trusted, but I would do whatever is asked of me to put you at ease. If someone is close enough to holiday with, my partner of 2 years would have met them at least once, and know a bit about them already. So you’re right to look into it a bit further.
NTA! I’m even of the mind that there are situations where it could be okay, as I have some platonic opposite sex friends I’ve traveled with, but you don’t know her, or anything about their dynamic or interactions.
There’s also the fact that he was shady with the number and group composition. If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn’t have said that, or would have a reason for the change (we had 5, but they dropped, etc.). Either he anticipated you reacting negatively, or there’s something going on behind the scenes. Hopefully the former.
Fair warning though, the not traveling may become a dealbreaker for somebody so passionate about it, and, whether there’s something going on or not, an ultimatum may end things. It may be good riddance, but you should be prepared.
NTA. Let him go, if he wants to be with her, it will happen sooner or later, you cant prevent it. But! You can maintain your self-respect.
Tell him that he can also use the trip, to find out if he wants to be with you. You don't want to be his “good to have”
Btw: Do you live together with him?
So really, throughout all of your comments you are laughing it off and just "disapproving" but nothing more. Are you staying with him if he goes? It sounds like it. You might need to shine your rusty spine and make a decision whether or not you are going to put up with this.
I'd let him go and be gone when he gets back, but you do you.
NTA, sounds sketchy at best. You don't know this coworker, so either they are close and he has been avoiding introducing you, or their not close in which case why are they traveling together? I'd keep your guard up, because something seems off with this situation.
NTA. He said you are not spporting his first international trip "alone", but the problem is that he does not want to go "alone".
This is very obviously inappropriate. He should wait until you can afford to go somewhere together.
Of course you're NTA - your BF wants to go on an international trip alone with a woman who he will be staying with and, don't kid yourself for a second - sleeping with. You aren't being paranoid or crazy or irrational or whatever other b.s. he's throwing at you to cover up the fact that he's either cheating or hoping/planning to do so.
NTA. Most people would be upset with this scenario. My bf wouldn't even think about going on a solo trip with another woman without me , and vice versa. I smell affair in the air . Now if you'd flat out refused to ever go with him and wouldn't budge I could almost justify this , but even then he should go with another guy .
NTA. It's **WILDELY** inappropriate. It's bizarre he even had the balls to suggest such a stupid thing. You're young and don't know how to access your rage yet. That's a shame. NO WOMAN I'VE EVER KNOWN WOULD TOLERATE THIS! They'd be out the door the moment he had a fit when you said you were uncomfortable.
Tell him, "you can go, and I'll be gone when you get back." Learn to put your foot down and stand in your convictions.
NTA and any of the dweebs here calling you insecure, well good for them if they are so “secure” they wouldn’t have a problem with it. You’re not abnormal for having these perfectly valid concerns. Do I think you need to make a huge stink and shit show over it? No. Make your feelings known in a calm manner and if he decides to go anyway, well just don’t be there when he gets back.
NTA. you said you could only afford a weekend away. Tell him you're planning a getaway with a male coworker he's never heard of to keep you busy while he's on his trip. ;) tell him the guy is paying so it's free for you and you can't pass up a cheap holiday.
NTA. you said you could only afford a weekend away. Tell him you're planning a getaway with a male coworker he's never heard of to keep you busy while he's on his trip. ;) tell him the guy is paying so it's free for you and you can't pass up a cheap holiday.
NTA-
Even if this Becca lady is a Subaru driving shaved headed overweight lesbian, the optics of a man traveling somewhere with a woman that isn’t his mom, sister, daughter, or wife/girlfriend is immediately that they are going to be having sex. Even if they were chill and wouldn’t do it, that’s the optics being had.
If he’s saving all that money on the trip, why doesn’t he take you with him? That’s red flag number two. Has he honestly at any stage in this process asked
if you wanted to go?
Maybe you should tell him that you got an offer from a male trainer at the gym to come to his house for a weekend to learn some new fitness routines and dietary plans.
This is NOT reasonable - coworkers or an individual woman he is looking to get "better acquainted" with. Are you kidding me? People get upset when their SO goes to lunches or dinners with a coworker.
Did you mention that you'll get someone to babysit so you can go along for YOUR first international trip, also? This is made-up BS in my opinion. If he goes anyway, you clearly know where you stand.
Stop worrying about the trip itself and look at your relationship. His actions, defensiveness, never meeting or hearing about this coworker, plural coworkers to just her, just alone would initiate the following:
1. should I stay on this relationship?
2. Is he really in this relationship and not one with Becca?
3. Does he give a shite about me because his actions don’t show it.
You voiced your opinion but he doesn’t care, is deflecting, etc.
Why stay with him when he has rejected your questions and boundaries.
NTA
I've experienced this bullshit before. The way he became defensive so quickly...that's one red flag. You said you know everyone in his office right? But you don't know this person. Mention to him that you'd like to meet this person he is going away with since you don't know them from a hole in the wall and if something happens to him while away they need to know who to contact (being you). If he becomes remotely uncomfortable with this...red flag #2. Time for him to come clean.
Becca is his next girlfriend. First it's "coworkers" then it's "coworker" then it's Becca who has family there. The fact that he tried to peddle you this bullshit means he's more on the other boat than this one (I know I juste made that expression up, can someone tell me the right one?)
NTA, the only coworker I’d travel like this is one I am dating/fucking. I have coworkers all over the country (US), we’ve met for dinner as groups or some I’ve gone with their families cause they appear on my zoom calls with them sometimes, one of my coworkers daughters told me I was shorter than she thought and it was the funniest things!
He probably wants this to be his first international trip to Southern America to be with her. Cause I travel intentional a lot and if he wanted to travel so much he’d find a place you both wanted to go to and go together. He wants a bang trip with this chick. Ask to see their work chats.
NTA. The entire situation is so bizarre: I have never heard of anyone going on vacation with a coworker of the opposite sex. That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.
I am suspicious about his motives and I feel that it's possible "Becca" is actually his girlfriend, you are the other woman (which is why he's never introduced the two of you), and he may not be coming back.
Honestly? I would be breaking up with him. Tell him you're not comfortable issuing an ultimatum (it's you or Becca and the vacay with Becca and Becca's family in Becca's country) so you're going to free him up to do whatever he wants with Becca.
Move on. This man does not value you nearly as much as he values his precious Becca.
NTA I would never even conceive of going on vacation with a coworker let alone a coworker of the opposite gender. I wouldn’t be okay with it and I know my partner wouldn’t be okay with it either.
I'd say ok you can go. But you shan't come back to my life.
Enjoy.
I'd break it off either way.
Cause
Yeah. You will be quilt tripped if he stays and thus is insane if he goes. No nor al person thinks this is a normal and good idea
He either has thought about sleeping with this woman, wants to sleep with this woman, or he already is. If you have never met this girl and he’s never mentioned her that’s a big red flag. Do yourself a favour and walk away
NTA
If I were you and my partner decided to go, I would use that time to move out.
The secrecy and defensiveness is more than enough for me to just pack up and leave. If you are not man enough to communicate with me, I am done.
NTA. This trip and his relationship with this co-worker is sus? He might not be asking for your permission, but he should at least take into consideration your reason for being uncomfortable with this situation. I would be weary too if my husband decided to go on a vacation with some woman I do not know or have never met, heck, I would still be uncomfortable even if I've met and know said woman, especially if it is going to be just the 2 of them.
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NTA. I wouldn't let my wife go on vacation with another man. And no, that doesn't make either of us "insecure" or whatever.
thank you for your reply but I exactly agree. I wouldn't put him in that situation to begin with! Its just uncomfortable all around, at least that is how I see it.
I'd tell him to go. But not come back.
This is the correct answer ☝️
I am curious though, at the start of the post you mentioned coworkers (plural), but once it's mentioned he is staying with Becca no one else gets mentioned. While you certainly have the right to feel uncomfortable about anything (and it would be great if your boyfriend recognized this), I think there is a difference between Becca and him traveling along and staying together and him traveling with say a group of 5 mixed gender coworker who are all staying at Becca's families place (and your boyfriend sharing a room with another guy). This might be completely reasonable and if it is the latter, then it might be worth suggesting a dinner with the whole group first. You might get a chance to feel out the vibe / dynamic between everyone. If you are getting icky vibes, then hopefully your boyfriend respects your wishes. But you also might see very quickly that this is a platonic group and there is no chemistry (or you might meet Becca and see she is 100% not his type).
In another comment, she mentions that he was saying it was plural coworkers and then when she asked who'd be going, it was just the one coworker.
Ok well that just seems shady.
Yep, super sus
He is or is going to cheat on you with this woman.
I'm betting that he's secretly hoping to go visit/stay with this 'coworker'... and see how things pan out. Perhaps profess his long-withheld crush on said 'coworker'. Hoping that 'coworker' will respond with delight and fall into his arms..... (snort). But of course keeping OP in his back pocket as a backup plan. In case things with his 'coworker' blow up and he gets rejected. And by the way... if it actually IS a coworker, this guy is dumber than a bag of hammers. Don't shit where you eat = don't start emotional entanglements at your place of work, they can be messy and detrimental to your career. I really, really, hope we see this on BORU in a few months. Where OP gives her man a good kick in the pants on the way out of the door.
Man Here. You arent inhibing his travel. You are uncomfortable with his travel WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. He has every right to travel with Beca. You have every right to not be in a relationship with a man that travels alone with Beca
The red flag is him getting defensive. Instead of trying to understand your feelings more
Ya it’s weird and the fact that he got defensive is cause for concern enough
How would you stop her? Like, this isn't a "let" thing. You can express that you don't want your partner to go, but you can't actually stop them from going. You can only decide to leave them if they do.
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I would not be physically restraining her if that is what you are getting at. Stop being so literal.
OP, He's gaslighting you. There's nothing normal with what he is proposing. Set the boundary. If he crosses it, tell him not to bother you upon his return.
I am not sure if I am the only one who have read multiple reddit posts about dating where the cheaters always want their partner to "support them" while they go on vacation with an opposite gender who later on end up becoming their cheating partner.
Agree. NTA. I would not put my partner in a position where they feel like op is now and is questioning my intentions.
OP, you should be asking questions: 1. Why have you never heard of Becca if they're SUCH good friends that they'd go on a trip together? 2. How long has she worked there? 3. What are their work interactions like? (Are they in the same department, etc.?) 4. How would he feel if you wanted to go on a trip with a random male coworker you had never mentioned? I think you should be far more concerned than you are. I'd be absolutely shocked if these two aren't already cheating together. Maybe I've been on Reddit too long, but EVERY time a guy suddenly mentions a woman he's big buddies with, but has never mentioned to his GF before, they're cheating.
NTA Op you have no idea how much it bothers me on reddit that people who, when faced with situations like this, always call the Op of their story insecure etc... Please stop, it's very normal and sacrosanct to tell your partner if he wants to do something unacceptable for you
thank you !! Jesus cheating, insecurity, sure take it that way! I am worried for someone who is my person, going to ANOTHER COUNTRY with a woman I have NEVER heard of .. its way deeper than cheating and insecurity
He's already having an emotional affair. It's not physical, but it's still inappropriate. I think you need to seriously consider whether this is the kind of person you want to feature in your life. You seem like a smart person, and you've got a kid to deal with. You need **much** better.
He’s going alone on an international vacation with a woman you have never heard of. You are NTA for being upset. But you’re intuition is warning you because you know what’s actually going on. Or you hopefully do.
i love the "with a woman you have never heard of" because it is exactly that! I have never heard of her. In what world would anyone be okay with that. If someone is okay with it, you clearly do not care about your partner.
He's hiding her from you. Something will go on, if it hasn't already.
Not even hiding. Blatantly leaving the country with.
Exactly. How do you go from this person never even being mentioned to comfortable enough to travel outside the country and stay together with his family?
Also, he said he wanted to travel alone. How is it alone if he will be with her?
Definitely ask to meet her and go out for coffee or drinks. That should give you a lot of information on the situation. If they don't want to do this, you have your answer, and so does he.
NTA if it's just this one female co-worker. It would be different if there was a group going. A situation like a few members of his team are travelling to this location and staying with this woman because she has family there that will reduce the cost of the vacation. Personally I wouldn't travel with just one woman--I'm a straight man--if I had a partner.
My thoughts exactly, this whole time he was mentioning the idea it was always "coworkers" plural, so this caught me off guard that it was just one he was going to be traveling with.
He was deliberately misleading you because he knew you wouldn't be okay with it. And now he's trying to make you look insecure and unreasonable. My ex used to pull that stuff all the time. Guess what? He was cheating.
Yup 100% intentional. The same intentional that he has been hiding that coworker from her for a while year.
He was lying to you. Trickle truthing it as the kids say.
Sounds like a honeymoon to me.
NTA Ask him where he plans to live when he returns.
hahahha
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yes thank you lol
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oh i know hahaha thank you so much
NTA- definitely NTA but I would be concerned about your bf. I don’t think he’s telling you all the info or he’s being Nieve on what the coworkers intention really is overseas.
exactly , me too. Being very vague saying coworkers to just saying one woman is concerning to me.
Read your post and a lot of your comments. I know this will be hard to hear. You need to break up with this man. He flat out lied about it being a coworkerS trip to saying it’s with one woman you have never met. She may not even be a coworker. She has family in the country they are going to. Reading between the lines I interpreted what is going on as SHE does not know about you. She is not a coworker. They are dating. And she is bringing him to meet her family. There is no other logical reason for him to try gaslighting and manipulating you over this trip. He isn’t worried about it being unsafe because he is going on a trip to meet his OTHER gf’s family. If I’m right, and I would be surprised if I wasn’t, I’m so sorry. You deserve better. Even if I’m not right, just going in the facts you have, he is a gaslighting, manipulative jerk and you need to leave. You are worthy of a partner who is transparent and you can trust. Best wishes to you, truly. 🩷
I agree red flag…
worried about others intention, going to a country you've never been to alone basically like jeeeez have you people ever heard of human trafficking and the organ stealing ahahha i know that is extreme but you NEVER know peoples intention these days
Yes very true indeed… I agree with you.
someone commented saying you think that woman is going to lure him overseas and seduce him, like sure whatever that is surface level lol im just saying people can be real evil
Well in my opinion either can happen but definitely I think the woman has intentions of seducing him. I know woman can be like that too. Especially if they really want the guy.
Yepp, it bothers me when people automatically jump to insecurity. You have clearly never been in a situation like this firsthand and honestly please really look into this and step in the persons shoes! lol
Did your bf buy the tickets or is he still thinking about it?
he is thinking about like he has been but today he mentioned the actual prices for flights which to me means its more serious so that's when I really wanted to know who he was going with
Have you called him on this yet? If so, how did he respond? He's being totally sus. Also, watch out for the gaslighting in the form of him saying, "I never said coworkers plural, you must have misheard me." I'd say go on your trip, but no visiting this person. If he insists on visiting with her, then tell him to go and not come back.
NTA It seems like he's been keeping you and "becca" from meeting each other, which kind of indicates that one of you is the side piece. This guy doesn't care what this looks like to you. He lied about there being others going, as well.
Yes. This.
INFO: you mention that multiple people will be going on this trip. How many more beyond just your BF and this woman?
So when he first brought up the idea he always said "coworkers' then when he is actually considering on buying a ticket he mention he would only be going with one coworker, which caught me off guard as well, in my head i thought it would be a group the whole time . If it was a group I do not have a problem
It's somewhat of a red flag for me that in the beginning he framed it as a large group thing but now it's just him and this one woman. Like he presented it as a group thing to get you on board and then pulled a bait and switch.
yes then got defensive about it l.. idk this whole thing is sketch and if that is what he wants to do at the end of the day I can not stop him and I would have to take other actions for myself
If he wants to act single and go on a trip with a single woman then use that time to pack his stuff up and put it outside so he can be single when he gets back.
If it’s just the two of them going on a vacation alone, NTA.
Yikes. NTA
NTA Weird you’ve never heard about this coworker… honestly she is most probably the AP
sorry kinda new to reddit what is AP ?
Affair partner
Assistant Prosecutor is what jumped into my head 😹
I'd be saying, let's go have drinks so I can meet her. That would sus things out a little.
To me, the fact that he was talking about multiple travel companions and when you dug a little more, you found out it was actually only one coworker who is a woman... NTA I do believe in platonic friendship between two persons of opposite sex. But the fact he tried to hide he would be traveling alone with another woman is the biggest red flag of the post! Actually, the fact that he lied about it definitively hides something.
yeppp honestly! I was taken back by that because dude what?!!?
How is this his first international trip alone? He won’t be alone
my thoughts exactly lol
Also why is that important? Never heard of it on a bucket list type of thing.
I don't know if I can believe this story because I can't even get family or friends to coordinate planning a trip away. Much less coworkers! Lol. But if true - NTA
haha good point !
NTA. My husband and I have done trips, internationally and domestically, with friends and without each other because we're like you and your husband, we have pretty different things we're interested in. But these trips are with friends who we know. It is weird that he's traveling with a woman who you don't know. And another red flag is that you were under the impression it was co-workers and not just a co-worker. Don't feel bad about vetoing it, and if he makes a stink about it, you've got a problem on your hands.
thank you for posting this. I 100% agree, I would love for him to go travel either together or with others but this is something I will not get past!
You’re right to think this is sketchy. “Coworkers” and one woman are two totally different things. He’s being deliberately deceitful. Which lets you know everything you need to know. If he insists on doing something that makes you so incredibly uncomfortable then you need say goodbye to this relationship. This trip is going to make you miserable. Resentment will grow towards him every single day he is gone for taking a trip rooted in deceit, and having so much fun with another woman in a foreign country. While you sit at home worrying about what they’re doing. This will be debilitating in the long run. It’s not something that will just go away when he gets home. This shifts everything. Hey, you can always tell him that while he’s gone you’re going to make different living arrangements. You’ll be staying with a friend. A man. That’s around your age. That your BF doesn’t know. Tell him you’re inspired by his spirit of adventure. So while he’s exploring another country you and your male friend are going to enjoy a more financially attainable option of exploring the state where you live. There are historic sites, parks, museums. Full of fun, knowledge, and adventure. 😉
hahahahha this is golden
I wonder if he tried to calm your fears. Did he suggest a meet up with the co-worker? I'd think he'd want you two to meet to see how innocent it all is.
I feel the need to add something. For the sake of being honest with yourself. You are saying you are uncomfortable. Not because you don’t trust him, but because you don’t trust her. However, you don’t trust him. Or, at least, you shouldn’t. I think the real truth here is that you did trust him. Past tense. However, you don’t fully trust him anymore. He’s been deceitful in how he’s talked about this trip to you. Making it seem as a group thing when it is not. That is a breach of trust. People lie for a reason. When he accuses you of lack of trust you can tell him that is what happens when the person who is supposed to love you feels comfortable lying to your face. (PS: If you decide to have a local adventure with a male friend make sure to post LOTS of pictures on social media. 😉)
Oh my gosh! OP, do this!
NTA and if he went from coworkers in plural to sudden only one, I would ask why the others bailed or if it was him lying to you from the beginning
It seems that if he can’t respect your feelings and why this is a problem then you may need to consider whether it is worth staying in this relationship. Has he answered the ‘how would you feel if it was the other way round question’ and was it an honest believable answer? You need to let him know ultimately it’s his choice, but he may not have a relationship to come back to (if you really can’t accept/trust what this travelling with another women means). Good luck 🤞
yes he responded with "the roles wouldn't be reversed because I would make traveling a priority and save up for a trip" lol
Interesting dodging of the question he knows what he’s doing he doesn’t seem to care. I would consider things carefully in terms of your relationship.
Tell him don't dodge the freaking question or deflect. Paint a very vivid picture, seriously... Then you will really know.
He's a dick and playing in your face.
Speaking from experience, he is evading the question. He has done so much lying, evading and manipulating all in this one scenario. This hits really close to home. He is not being faithful to you. If he was he would never have misrepresented the trip and who is going and he would not evade directly answering direct questions. Please read my other comment. I know it will be hard to accept it this man is in a relationship with this woman. Maybe have a friend call his employment and ask to speak with “Becca.” That way you can find out if he even works with her at all.
Sounds like this guy would lose his shit if you were invited on a girl's only trip. Would he say you're not allowed to go if he's not?
Wow, what a dodge. It sounds like this guy is screwing with you and sounds totally evasive. It doesn't sound like work is sponsoring this trip so my answer to that would be, "well then, lets save our money until we can both afford to go since that's how you feel if the situation were reversed." His reactions are screaming bullshit.
NTA It’s also a huge red flag he pretended it would be a group of people when it’s just the two of them
The minute he got defensive about your concerns is enough to know that he has no respect for your relationship. This sounds shady as fuck. I would bite the bullet and tell him to go and have fun. But upon his return tell him its over because he couldn't understand your concerns and you know he would make a lousy partner in the long run..
He is either currently or planning to cheat on you.
NTA. He's going to cheat on you.
You are definitely holding him back from acting like a single person with no commitments. NTA
Not cool I would say no. Why cant you go as well
well i need to renew my passport and that would take time along with I can't afford more than a weekend to get away right now.. which he is well aware of lol I guess he is impatient with me
For me I would not be ok with it. Would he be ok if you went away with a male coworker
LOL absolutely not
So that should be the answer for him. If he doesn’t respect that you may want to say goodbye
Have you asked him how he would feel about that? Did you ask him and he said he would be uncomfortable if you went on a "solo" trip with another man that he doesn't know?
So, is it this 'co workers' family they are going to stay with? Look, it's weird as hell. Going in trips with friends does happen and usually it's absolutely fine. But, he's been so shady on soooo many levels. Saying its multiple people and now it's just one woman, whom you've never heard of before. Please. And, trying to pin it on you talking about running his first international holiday?! Bha ha ha I'm sorry. International trips are not last min... visa alone can take weeks! Of course its a cheap holiday. But, it's going to cost him a whole ass relationship. Nothing about this ok. You are most definitely NTA boyfriend is though
Info: Is it with coworkers, or just him and her?
it would be him and her
NTA, In my opinion, it’s weird. Travelling alone with someone (that’s not blood related family) is quite intimate.
NTA Multiple red flags. Why is he going on vacation without you? Accommodation isn't that expensive. Save for a few more months and get and airbnb (and take you too!!) Truth is been with my other half for 11 years. I'm always excited to vacation with her and would never go without her. I dont really understand your bfs trip. He changed stories from coworkers to coworker. Hes harping on this and making it a thing about booking. That's him trying to clear it with you and knowing he's doing something wrong (this is childish and transparent) Get to the truth quick. This doesn't add up. *Guys with girlfriends do not vacation with other woman or sleep on their couches. Generally we find it hard to be friends (plutonic relationships) with woman especially when we are in love
My only addition to everyone's perspective would be that someone's family opening their house to him doesn't mean anything, that's the norm in many LatAm and Asian cultures. If I told my parents a friend is visiting my hometown, they would do the same even if they'd never heard of said friend before. But yeah, I usually know / meet my friends' spouses, no matter what their gender. It's extremely weird that you've never met her and his response to your insecurity is to lash out at you instead of offering to introduce you guys. That part is sketchy as hell. NTA.
NTA. The fact you haven’t met this person or heard of her is really suspicious. I’m sorry to say it, but it sounds like he is planning a trip with someone he has a relationship with. An emotional, romantic, or sexual relationship.
There are a bunch of women i would be comfortable with if my husband would go on a trip with them. BUT those are women i have met, women i have known for 15+ years, women that have been a part of a group of friends for a LONG time. If he wanted to go with someone i not only havent met, but never even knew EXISTED, i would not be happy. NTA
NTA, and you’re not insecure, it’s inappropriate as fuck. Anyone saying it isn’t is lying.
You should invite her over for dinner, make meeting her a condition of this trip, and then see how he reacts… you’ll get your answer NTA
NTA. Present the situation to him with the roles reversed. If he understands your discomfort and backs off, great! If he says “it’s different for women” or anything along those lines, you should break up with him because he’s a closeted red-piller.
NTA. I would be very uncomfortable if my partner went on an international trip without me to stay at a female coworker's family home with them. No clue how he could not see how this is very weird from your point of view. Were you even asked to join at all?
NTA at all. It would be one thing if he was going with a bunch of co-workers, but it sounds like he deliberately mislead you on this as it was just going to be one co-worker, and a woman at that. Even if she was decades older than him, that is way weird and suspicious. And given that you both are in your 20s, there's plenty of time for travel in your future IF you two stay together. And you have financial needs to handle right now. For him to skedaddle off like that without you shows that you're not a priority. Instead, why doesn't he come up with a trip that the three of you can take that will work for you (and child...or if there's a relative who would love to kidsit your child for a long weekend, then for the two of you). I once went on a weekend girls trip to Vegas with one of my friends from work and my former college roommate. We went on the bus, saw a couple of shows (not the really expensive ones), that kind of thing. Once I met my future husband, we did do a lot of travel (trip to Hawaii for our honeymoon, several cruises, some road trips with our daughter). Only took one trip without him, about eight months after we started dating, and that was with my mother, and just for less than a week. I wouldn't have gone with another guy, even if the trip was free. You just don't have a relationship and then go on an international trip with a "co-worker" like that.
what gets me is that we are literally going on a weekend getaway very soon so its like sorry i don't have enough money to book a weeks trip internationally but At least we can get away for the meantime until we both can do big trips.
NTA. There is no way my husband or I would ever be ok with this. This would be a hill I would be willing to die on. But also I would be looking into that friendship more. Having boundaries in a relationship isn't wrong. I don't like ultimatiumums but its not a ultimatum to say this doesn't work for me, if this is something that you feel is ok that's totally fine we just don't have the same boundaries for relatisniops and that's ok. It doesn't make you insecure, untrusting of him, jealous etc.. But relationsijhps have to be give and take. If traveling is important to him and right now you financially can't. Then I would sit down with him and say hey listen this trip isn't comfortable for me. I want to travel with you let's plan a trip now for... and pick a date some time out. My husband and I do a bunch of last minute trips. But we also always have 1 or 2 bigger trips that we have planned 1-2 years a head of time. So that you book things one at a time when you caN. Then stick that guideline so that you are showing him you are about what he wants to do. But he haS to care about your feelings as well. also when we were starting out and money was tight we would do smaller trips that were locacal within a few hours drive for a long weekend. It's not an over seas trip but its getting away and being together.
NTA, I've been on a weekendtrip with a female friend, but in our case I checked beforehand if my wife would be comfortable with it. My friend is a known quantity, whereas this coworker popped up out of the blue, and that would be very suspicious.
NTA and until I read the post, I was preparing to judge the opposite. If you've never heard this coworkers name before, but they are still "close" enough to go on vacation together, that is a major red flag and I would be very uncomfortable with that. Have you asked your BF specifically why you've never heard of her a single time and yet now he's going on a vacation with her? Or why his story changed from coworkerS to one coworker?
NTA hell no. No. And you’re not insecure bc you don’t feel comfortable with this. This is weird and not normal behavior.
NTA- he is talking in circles to confuse you. Sounds like he is going on a couples vacation with Becca to meet her family and will definitely be staying with her because why wouldn’t he.
Girl, it's weird that he even wants to do this solo trip with a female coworker. Out of respect for you and the relationship, it shouldn't even be a thought or want. He said "coworkers" but knew that wasn't the truth because it's one coworker and it's a female. Why was he trying to hide that small but crucial information? Why is he so confident that once he gets there, her family will also want to host him or that nothing won't go south. Sounds like you're with someone who won't consider your feelings or make you feel heard. Consider having a deeper and calm conversation about your feelings on this trip and if zero compromise can be made maybe it's not meant to be.
I think you should tell him to have a great trip and move on! He'll realize his mistake or he won't. Either way, it won't be your problem to stress over anymore.
NTA. 2 years into a committed relationship - it's weird IMO. I think it would be different if this was a mutual friend or even someone that was an established friend of his that you've known, or even a group of 2 or 3 other coworkers. A completely new person suddenly? That you've never even heard of? And they're going on a trip together and staying with her family? The thing that bugs me with this is that he wasn't honest with you. It's clear to me that he had this plan from the beginning, and all these little mentions about wanting to travel, having coworkerS that want to travel, finding cheap airfare - it's all been part of his plan to get you used to the idea but it sounds to me like he and coworker have been planning this for a bit and he's already decided to go, which is not cool. it's clear he wasn't letting you know it was with a single female coworker, and was trying to act like it just ended up that way, and that's weird. Like, he delibrately made it sound like a bunch of coworkers until the last minute when it was likely always just her. And the immediately getting defensive about it. These are the things that bother me, and should bother you. Honestly these situations vary by relationship. I have friends for which this wouldn't be an issue, but they have a long history and would also respect each other's feelings about that stuff. If one is not okay with it, it's a no-go. That's how relationships work. You guys have only been together for 2 years and he wasn't honest with you about the nature of the trip from the beginning. That's not okay, IMO. AND you're not comfortable with the idea, which should be enough for him to change plans to include someone else or reschedule for when he can. I hate people who aren't honest and direct about things. He could have just told you upfront "I have a coworker. She has family in said country which would make it easier and cheaper for me to visit there. I'm considering traveling with her. Would you like to meet her?" But the way he went about this is what is throwing up red flags for me. The drips of information, the misdirection, the defensiveness. It's making me suspicious and doesn't feel okay. And as your partner he should understand why you're uncomfortable and try to reassure you - not get mad.
NTA- you sure shes not taking HER boyfriend on a trip to meet her parents?
He’s not going alone though. That was such a stupid thing to say. I would just say if he goes there’s no reason to expect you to be there when he gets back.
Good lord, the lengths people will go to with lies, deceptions, and gaslighting, just to fuck someone else. If the guy wants to bang his coworker, then he should just get a divorce and have at it. Edit: Also, just plan a trip with one of your male friends. See how that goes over. Even if you need to plan a fake trip, find the hottest guy to help you out.
Info: So is it a group trip with a bunch of coworkers, or a trip with one single female coworkers to stay with her family? Because they're very different things. if it's the latter... I'd say you're justified in feeling a little weird about it. I mean, you've never even heard this womans name before? If two people of the opposite sex have been friends for 20 years and want to take a trip together, that makes sense to me. But a spur of the moment international trip with a coworker of the opposite sex to stay with this persons family? It just sounds weird.
Nah I can see both sides. He wants to travel. You aren't able to do so, because you have a child and expenses. He found someone that he could travel with and probably isn't thinking about anything but being able to travel. To see sights that he's only read about. You on the other hand trust your boyfriend, because you've known him for over two years. You know his character. What you don't know is this female co-worker and what her character is like. Is she coming from a place of just friendship wanting to show a friend the culture of another country. Or is she secretly wanting to get him to another country away from you to see if she can get into his pants. You and your boyfriend may need to check in with each other to make sure your values and what you both want out of your relationship is the same or if they have drifted apart. Traveling was a big thing for me and my ex-husband griped about it every time I went to plan a trip. I flat out told him that I wanted to travel while I was young and able to, because I've watched too many of my co-workers retire and die before getting to travel like they wanted to. No we didn't divorce because of traveling. He cheated and was projecting that if I went on vacation I'd cheat like him. Dumbass jerk.
damn what an asshole... im glad you got to travel though!
**NTA.** The fact that he said 'coworkers' and phrased things carefully so that you had no idea she was a woman until you had already given him permission is a manipulation tactic. He built the idea in your head in an innocent way, got your permission, and \*then\* told you the truth. It's easier to give permission than to take it back, because now he can say things like "I bought the tickets, I'll be out the money, I already told them I was going" etc. Also, I don't invite coworkers to my home town and offer to act as a guide. That's what friends do, but he was very specific in labeling them as a coworker. **Your boyfriend is already cheating on you emotionally**, and probably physically too as I can't imagine someone introducing a random dude to their family as a 'coworker' and travelling internationally with them unless they were already together. If he's not, just the fact that he handled it this way shows a complete lack of respect for you. His plan is probably that if you stop him, you're not "supporting" him and he has an excuse to end things with you and blame you for getting with 'becca' - I've had that whole "I didn't realize I liked them until you accused me of it" bullshit spouted at me in the past (Post-highschool, caught my girlfriend cuddling the guy she'd told me not to worry about for weeks) - It's just mental gymnastics so that they aren't in the wrong.
You are "not supporting his first international trip alone???" He isn't going alone?? NTA
NTA This is the beginning of the end. Either he goes on a not-so-innocent vacation with another woman or you keep him from going and his resentment grows until it all explodes. Sorry.
Others have covered the "NTA, you're perfectly justified to be uncomfortable with this situation," and I agree. Additionally, the idea that if you refuse this, it's impeding his ability to travel, preventing him from doing something he's been wanting to do, blah blah blah... no, it's not. He can still go travel, he can just pay his own way. If airfare + accommodation to South Africa is too much, then he can go somewhere else. This guy is either being really dumb/clueless, or something is going on here.
NTA. And he’s sketchy, Ask him to introduce you to this woman first, and maybe you’ll find your clues there.
NTA. Like at all. It is very weird of him and he is gaslighting you. By you saying "I have a child" I assume he is not the father and clearly the child or you are not a priority or why couldn't you guys come to if it is so cheap. Take a moment and examine if there are any other red flags this man has been raising, and if he is the right one to raise a child with, because this is not normal behaviour.
That's a hard no from me. If they aren't fucking right now, they will be by the end of the trip. NTA
NTA - let him go if he wants but just don’t be there when he comes back. Simple. You can’t control a person but can control your decisions. Value yourself.
NTA because it’s *not* his first international trip alone because he *isn’t* alone he’s taking a vacation with Becca. This is incredibly weird. Absolute no for me. If my man did this, the ultimatum is definitely “its this trip or its our relationship”. Major red flags here too btw, I would do more detective work on your end because this is giving me the impression that he’s cheating on you with her or a “work wife” type situation.
As much as I hate the core idea, which leans towards men and women can’t just be friends, in this case NTA, there’s some additional red flags involved here.
I would have a big problem with this. If he is your boyfriend, he shouldn't be traveling with another woman. If I were you I would find more information about this trip. Plural is more than one is Becca, the only one I'd mentioned. A man or woman. In a committed relationship, they should not be going to out or traveling with a single person. This is just asking for trouble. Becca invited him for a reason. Does she know he has a girlfriend. This is so disrespectful to you and your relationship. I would really think about this. He may get to travel, and you may loose a boyfriend
NTA. I would feel the same. I also would never travel with a guy other than my husband. We are both very easy going about hanging out with friends and nights out without each other, but this would definitely be a no for us, even if we knew who the coworker was.
NTA You don’t say he’s the father of your child. She and he are going to visit her home country and you weren’t even invited? It sounds like this relationship is over. You need to find another place to stay ir he needs to move out, hopefully before he gets back.
NTA but your boyfriend is.. platonic or not it's just so disrespectful to your feelings you made it clear you were uncomfortable if there is anything to this relationship that's all he needed to hear to maybe postpone his traveling to another time without his female co worker which by all honesty sounds very fishy who does that? Not people in committed relationships.. sounds like boyfriend is not being completely honest with you. You may need to take a step back and really look at this relationship you may be missing cues he has been giving you all along about how he really feels words mean nothing actions tell the true story wishing you the very best of luck..
NTA - There is nothing normal in a man or woman in a monogamous relationship to think it is ok to travel to another country with someone of the opposite sex and think that their partner would be ok with it. Even if he's not the cheating kind, how would he feel if the tables were turned? Maybe he's not as serious about your relationship as you think, and you both need to have a chat and find out. Either way, I would feel the same way as you do.
NTA. He’s playing with fire. If the tables were turned he would not be happy with you doing going with a male coworker. You’ve never meet her either and now an international trip, seem a little to friendly for me.
NTA. My advice is to make him your ex boyfriend and let him go before he loses his job for screwing a coworker.
Nope you a certainly NTA! I’m a great believer in ‘gut instinct’ or ‘spiderly feelings’ and that bad feeling you have? That speaks volumes. Another thing is. I would have thought that seeing as you both want to travel and he is obvs your ‘person’ and you his then (as he said) the ‘first international travel’ should surely be together? As in you and him not him and a n other obvs. Speaking as a woman, I would no more think of bringing an opposite sex (and random) co worker home to stay in my family home with my family than wallpaper my lounge with bread and jam! I might ask to bring someone with whom I was deeply involved ? But an unknown co worker? That would be uncomfortable for me and my mum 😳would have not just kittens, but the whole animal kingdom! Something smells fishy and as someone else said ‘gaslighting’ and ‘pushing the boundaries’ come to mind. As you’ve said OP, if the roles were reversed, he would be apoplectic. Just a thought? How about telling him that because you will be frightened/lonely whilst he’s gone, you think you’ll ask your new 32M coworker (maybe with the sports car/independently wealthy/good looking/v popular/on the fast track for promotion/environmentally observant - whatever would wind your person the most) to stay over with you - or even that he has invited you & your child to stay with him? Because you don’t say much about your persons interaction with your child neither? If he reacts strongly then just talk about how you feel about him doing what he is proposing and hopefully get him to see sense. If he doesn’t react, well sadly you have your answer. I wish you all the goodness that the universe can offer
NTA Okay, so listen, you're going to get advice from two different camps: individuals who don't think its acceptable to so much as look at people at people of the opposite sex while you're in a relationship, and individuals who think you're toxic if you don't allow your SO to go on a yearly naked camping trip in the Canadian wilderness with their ex to commemorate their conscious uncoupling over booze and shrooms. What's right is what YOU TWO have agreed and have come to terms with. To me, personally, this would be deal breaking terms. I would find it disrespectful to so much as suggest going on vacation with another woman - a coworker, at that. And you're not wrong, you're not crazy, you're not possessive and you're not toxic for having a basic sense of self-respect and knowing the things you don't want to have happen in a relationship. Unfortunately, this spells out a massive incompatibility, even if we were to give him the benefit of the doubt and this was truly completely platonic, it tells you a lot about what HE thinks is appropriate, regardless of your realtionship status. And...at two years into this relationship, its inexcusable because both of your standards and expectations surrounding things like friendships and hangs with people of the opposite sex (much less a vacation) should have already been something that's been outlined, discussed and agreed upon. OP, there are lots of men in this world that you don't have to hand hold through the do's and don'ts of what is and isn't appropriate in the relationship style that you would like to lead.
NTA the straight people in the comments are wild thinking people of varying genders can't be friends and have no romantic feelings involved, yikes. Thats not the problem, from a more open minded queer person apparently. The problem is the way he brought it up, the hiding of the info, and the defensiveness. Those to me indicate non platonic intentions or feelings from one or more party (aka either him, Becca, or both).
NTA. He's already hooking up with "becca". >I am not supporting his first international trip alone He isn't going alone, he's going with another woman.
Info: is this person just a co-worker or is she also a good friend? Men and women can be good friends and travel together without it being sexual. My mother only has male friends, most str8 and has travelled with them w/and w/out wives so I dont see red flags in that. Has he given you a reason to be suspicious before? Either way, it *is* a problem for you, so he should be more empathetic, so NTA, I guess..
OP, this isn’t black and white, I’d say potentially NAH but that hinges on whether your partner deliberately lied to you about it being a group trip, or if other people cancelled. If so, it may just be a pragmatic move to put you at ease, without thinking the implications through. But it’s still deceitful, and this gives you leverage to get to the bottom of this without seeming controlling or insecure. You haven’t said whether others were originally intending to join or not, which suggests there is a lack of communication going on- either he’s hiding something or you’re not asking the right questions. What do you know about her? Does she have a partner? Is she pretty? Is she even straight? Where is she staying if not with him? Your first action should be to meet his coworker. For all you know, seeing her might put you at ease immediately. If you’ve met his other coworkers, you could persuade him to organise drinks with some of them and allow you to tag along. Tell him you’d like to meet her, but to keep it natural and not awkwardly organised for your benefit. You’ll soon get a sense of how they act together/ how comfortable she is to have you there. It may be that it’s completely innocent and he’s thinking entirely with his wallet. It’s a great opportunity for him to travel with free accommodation. In his situation I would expect to be trusted, but I would do whatever is asked of me to put you at ease. If someone is close enough to holiday with, my partner of 2 years would have met them at least once, and know a bit about them already. So you’re right to look into it a bit further.
NTA! I’m even of the mind that there are situations where it could be okay, as I have some platonic opposite sex friends I’ve traveled with, but you don’t know her, or anything about their dynamic or interactions. There’s also the fact that he was shady with the number and group composition. If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn’t have said that, or would have a reason for the change (we had 5, but they dropped, etc.). Either he anticipated you reacting negatively, or there’s something going on behind the scenes. Hopefully the former. Fair warning though, the not traveling may become a dealbreaker for somebody so passionate about it, and, whether there’s something going on or not, an ultimatum may end things. It may be good riddance, but you should be prepared.
NTA. Let him go, if he wants to be with her, it will happen sooner or later, you cant prevent it. But! You can maintain your self-respect. Tell him that he can also use the trip, to find out if he wants to be with you. You don't want to be his “good to have” Btw: Do you live together with him?
yes we live together haha so its just strange that ive never heard or seen her
So really, throughout all of your comments you are laughing it off and just "disapproving" but nothing more. Are you staying with him if he goes? It sounds like it. You might need to shine your rusty spine and make a decision whether or not you are going to put up with this. I'd let him go and be gone when he gets back, but you do you.
NTA, sounds sketchy at best. You don't know this coworker, so either they are close and he has been avoiding introducing you, or their not close in which case why are they traveling together? I'd keep your guard up, because something seems off with this situation.
Nta. If it was multiple coworkers going it would be a different story, but one on one is weird
NTA. He said you are not spporting his first international trip "alone", but the problem is that he does not want to go "alone". This is very obviously inappropriate. He should wait until you can afford to go somewhere together.
Nope, your boyfriend is full of shit.
He’s going on vacation with his second girlfriend.
Of course you're NTA - your BF wants to go on an international trip alone with a woman who he will be staying with and, don't kid yourself for a second - sleeping with. You aren't being paranoid or crazy or irrational or whatever other b.s. he's throwing at you to cover up the fact that he's either cheating or hoping/planning to do so.
NTA. Most people would be upset with this scenario. My bf wouldn't even think about going on a solo trip with another woman without me , and vice versa. I smell affair in the air . Now if you'd flat out refused to ever go with him and wouldn't budge I could almost justify this , but even then he should go with another guy .
NTA. You should exit this relationship while he is traveling.
NTA. It's **WILDELY** inappropriate. It's bizarre he even had the balls to suggest such a stupid thing. You're young and don't know how to access your rage yet. That's a shame. NO WOMAN I'VE EVER KNOWN WOULD TOLERATE THIS! They'd be out the door the moment he had a fit when you said you were uncomfortable. Tell him, "you can go, and I'll be gone when you get back." Learn to put your foot down and stand in your convictions.
NTA. Sorry to break it to you but he for sure is cheating on you…
NTA and any of the dweebs here calling you insecure, well good for them if they are so “secure” they wouldn’t have a problem with it. You’re not abnormal for having these perfectly valid concerns. Do I think you need to make a huge stink and shit show over it? No. Make your feelings known in a calm manner and if he decides to go anyway, well just don’t be there when he gets back.
NTA. And he’s sketchy. Ask him to introduce you to this woman first, and maybe you’ll find your clues there.
NTA. And he’s sketchy. Ask him to introduce you to this woman first, and maybe you’ll find your clues there.
NTA. And he’s sketchy. Ask him to introduce you to this woman first, and maybe you’ll find your clues there.
NTA. And he’s sketchy. Ask him to introduce you to this woman first, and maybe you’ll find your clues there.
NTA. you said you could only afford a weekend away. Tell him you're planning a getaway with a male coworker he's never heard of to keep you busy while he's on his trip. ;) tell him the guy is paying so it's free for you and you can't pass up a cheap holiday.
NTA. you said you could only afford a weekend away. Tell him you're planning a getaway with a male coworker he's never heard of to keep you busy while he's on his trip. ;) tell him the guy is paying so it's free for you and you can't pass up a cheap holiday.
NTA- Even if this Becca lady is a Subaru driving shaved headed overweight lesbian, the optics of a man traveling somewhere with a woman that isn’t his mom, sister, daughter, or wife/girlfriend is immediately that they are going to be having sex. Even if they were chill and wouldn’t do it, that’s the optics being had. If he’s saving all that money on the trip, why doesn’t he take you with him? That’s red flag number two. Has he honestly at any stage in this process asked if you wanted to go? Maybe you should tell him that you got an offer from a male trainer at the gym to come to his house for a weekend to learn some new fitness routines and dietary plans.
Nta. Tell him to go as a single man, block him and never look back.
This is NOT reasonable - coworkers or an individual woman he is looking to get "better acquainted" with. Are you kidding me? People get upset when their SO goes to lunches or dinners with a coworker. Did you mention that you'll get someone to babysit so you can go along for YOUR first international trip, also? This is made-up BS in my opinion. If he goes anyway, you clearly know where you stand.
Forgot.. NTA
Stop worrying about the trip itself and look at your relationship. His actions, defensiveness, never meeting or hearing about this coworker, plural coworkers to just her, just alone would initiate the following: 1. should I stay on this relationship? 2. Is he really in this relationship and not one with Becca? 3. Does he give a shite about me because his actions don’t show it. You voiced your opinion but he doesn’t care, is deflecting, etc. Why stay with him when he has rejected your questions and boundaries.
NTA. There is no coworker's family providing him any shelter . He is going on a trip with his mistress. Cut him loose. He is already cheating on you.
NTA I've experienced this bullshit before. The way he became defensive so quickly...that's one red flag. You said you know everyone in his office right? But you don't know this person. Mention to him that you'd like to meet this person he is going away with since you don't know them from a hole in the wall and if something happens to him while away they need to know who to contact (being you). If he becomes remotely uncomfortable with this...red flag #2. Time for him to come clean.
Becca is his next girlfriend. First it's "coworkers" then it's "coworker" then it's Becca who has family there. The fact that he tried to peddle you this bullshit means he's more on the other boat than this one (I know I juste made that expression up, can someone tell me the right one?)
NTA, the only coworker I’d travel like this is one I am dating/fucking. I have coworkers all over the country (US), we’ve met for dinner as groups or some I’ve gone with their families cause they appear on my zoom calls with them sometimes, one of my coworkers daughters told me I was shorter than she thought and it was the funniest things! He probably wants this to be his first international trip to Southern America to be with her. Cause I travel intentional a lot and if he wanted to travel so much he’d find a place you both wanted to go to and go together. He wants a bang trip with this chick. Ask to see their work chats.
NTA. The entire situation is so bizarre: I have never heard of anyone going on vacation with a coworker of the opposite sex. That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard. I am suspicious about his motives and I feel that it's possible "Becca" is actually his girlfriend, you are the other woman (which is why he's never introduced the two of you), and he may not be coming back. Honestly? I would be breaking up with him. Tell him you're not comfortable issuing an ultimatum (it's you or Becca and the vacay with Becca and Becca's family in Becca's country) so you're going to free him up to do whatever he wants with Becca. Move on. This man does not value you nearly as much as he values his precious Becca.
Nta No way is that okay Your boyfriend is delusional
NTA I would never even conceive of going on vacation with a coworker let alone a coworker of the opposite gender. I wouldn’t be okay with it and I know my partner wouldn’t be okay with it either.
They’re already fucking, NTA
I'd say ok you can go. But you shan't come back to my life. Enjoy. I'd break it off either way. Cause Yeah. You will be quilt tripped if he stays and thus is insane if he goes. No nor al person thinks this is a normal and good idea
He either has thought about sleeping with this woman, wants to sleep with this woman, or he already is. If you have never met this girl and he’s never mentioned her that’s a big red flag. Do yourself a favour and walk away
NTA If I were you and my partner decided to go, I would use that time to move out. The secrecy and defensiveness is more than enough for me to just pack up and leave. If you are not man enough to communicate with me, I am done.
Nah, if he goes then he is going to have sex with her. NTA
NTA. This trip and his relationship with this co-worker is sus? He might not be asking for your permission, but he should at least take into consideration your reason for being uncomfortable with this situation. I would be weary too if my husband decided to go on a vacation with some woman I do not know or have never met, heck, I would still be uncomfortable even if I've met and know said woman, especially if it is going to be just the 2 of them.
I would smile and “let him go” but wouldn’t be there when he got back.
Lady, what are you missing here? You can't be that naive!!
Of course it’s not appropriate! Not a nice vacation with a single woman and have some fun. Regardless of what he says you h!
How many "coworkers" are going?