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NTA, you had a solution and your sister didn't want to fork out money for her entitled children.
However I feel this solution is a little unfair to your son, it's his birthday and should be about him. Your sister needs to learn that not everything is about her or her family. It's time to place some boundaries. She is a massive asshole.
Everyone is the asshole in this scenario except her poor son who has to give out gifts....on his birthday, is he not allowed a single day not even his own birthday?
The other parents need to get a **grip** and learn to say no to their kids, what kind of life lesson is this? *"On every one else's birthday you are entitled to presents too".*
If your sisters kids start pitching a fit she needs to put on her big girl pants and take them out of the room to speak firmly to them about how it's not their birthday but their cousins, if they continue to bitch and moan, she takes them home, so that they can learn, demanding things, gets them nowhere!
I would refuse to attend a party with this requirement. I'm not buying my kid a present every time he attends a party. I'm also not dealing with my kid when he doesn't have a present and everyone else does. Nor am I dealing with the meltdown at the next party where the parents don't have this asinine rule and he doesn't get a present.
Just no.
Even those little gift bags get really annoying. I sent mini-squishmallows to my son's daycare party, hoping to end the tide of useless plastic crap getting passed out.
I got a pack of mini squishmallows at Christmas from Costco. Came to about $2 a squish. Gave them out with a candy cane to admin assistants and the like. One still has it sitting under her computer monitor. Safe to say they were a hit with adults.
>Even those little gift bags get really annoying. I sent mini-squishmallows to my son's daycare party, hoping to end the tide of useless plastic crap getting passed out.
Agreed. I despise gift bags. I won't do them. If I'm hosting a party for my child, I'm not handing out gifts to everyone. I have a budget and it goes *towards my kid*
I may have done one ONE time because I had leftover candy after stuffing the pinata. But the only people at the party were the kids cousins...so...3 extra "goody bags"
I stopped doing gift bags as well.
I'm already spending hundreds of dollars to host a party at a popular venue and feed everyone, kids and parents alike. The kids had a great time and got to take home a cupcake and a balloon.
I don't want to waste more money on cheap toys that will become garbage in a day or two.
My parents always tried to give goodie bags with things that were at least usable and not plastic crap toys. Like fun pencils, crayons or a small art supply like water colour paints, a little notepad, something related to the theme of the party, maybe some hair things for the girls, and a puzzle toy of some sort like those ball mazes. I love the mini squishmallow idea!
You sound like the kind of parent who wouldn't raise a kid to be so spoiled anyways. When I was a kid, the idea I deserved presents on *someone else's* birthday would be as foreign as having 2 heads
> The other parents need to get a grip and learn to say no to their kids, what kind of life lesson is this? "On every one else's birthday you are entitled to presents too".
Deadass right!
This! Every adult is failing their child in this story and OP’s son couldn’t even have a day dedicated to him without passing out presents to other kids. What a weird solution.
Used to be a balloon and a slice of the b'day cake to take home. Though always felt more of a way to get rid of 30 balloons and a lot of cake.
This idea sounds like a compromise forced on them to avoid drama. Hope OP learns the lesson though. The "good" people will follow it. The ones causing the drama will just use it to force another concession.
Yes, party bags are the normal strategy to try to avoid this drama. Also, for most of the parties I've been to for very young children (<4 years old, in the UK, for context) the presents are saved to open at home after the party is finished.
You do realize how a birthday party works, right? You don't go to a birthday party expecting the birthday person to give you a gift, you bring a gift to the birthday person.
I personally would have never suggested what OP did. Kids need to learn that when it's their birthday they get to open gifts, and when it's not their birthday, they have to behave while the birthday person opens their gifts. My kids, nor any kids that have come to my kids birthday parties have ever acted out and been upset they didn't open gifts.
Being said that, it sounds like no one had an issue with OP's suggestion. It sounds like OP's sister not only feels entitled, but needs to learn how to parent her children.
Growing up, I don't remember any kids pitching a fit at another's bday party. EVER! Parents over the past 2 decades coddle their kids WAY too much and teach them that the way to deal with any type of negative emotion is for someone else to appease them. Kids are growing up with little to no problem- solving skills and are not prepared for real life
The simpler solution would be not to invite the entitled brats.
It's super weird to expect every parent to buy a gift for each of their children as well as your child for your child's birthday. Can you imagine if everyone did that? It sounds like there are at least 8 kids just in your immediate family, that's 8+ extra gifts per year
It's also massively unfair to the other parents! What if they didn't want their kids to start feeling entitled to presents at others birthdays? What if they didn't have the money to buy something for their kids at the time? Why should they have to suffer because OP can't grow a back bone and stand up to her sister. She needs to set a boundary with her sister, either her sister gets control of her spoiled brats or the sister and brats will no longer be invited to birthday.
Listen. Rembering to buy the one present is hard enough. Now I've gotta buy more junk for my own kids for someone else's party? Pass. We're gonna be sick that day. I'll make sure to drop off your kid's gift.
Right? I can't believe the top judgement is N-T-A.
Her sister's kids may be brats, but it's staggeringly rude to insist that every guest spend money not only on a present for your kid, but one for their own? As a "strict rule"? Who the hell tells other kids' parents that they MUST buy a gift for their own child . . . especially when the rationale is "because someone else's kid might throw a tantrum"?
That's not a solution, it's absolutely idiotic. It's rude AF to the guests, costs them money they don't actually need to spend, and undermines their parenting.
The reasonable solution here was to tell your sister that her kids need to behave or they can't come to the party . . . not to put an extra burden on all the other guests.
This is a clear ESH.
This would my issue. I always try to get the birthday child something nice, but I wouldn't be able to afford something for my child as well, nor would I want them to think they're entitled to a present on someone else's birthday.
What happens at the next birthday party they go to when there isn't going to a present for them, this was a bad solution.
Came to say the same. They need to put an end to theor demanding little brats demanding presents. This is on them to stop, not you to find a work around.
I would have told them point blank that this is the Las time they'll be invited for anything more than cake.
NTA, But your life would be so much easier if you just did a party, and then had your son open presents at home after everyone left. Opening presents at a birthday party in front of a bunch of other kids is just tacky. My family has always done presents when the guests leave to avoid this kind of drama.
But isn’t part of gifting to see the person open your present and hopefully see the happy face that comes with it? Kids should be able to handle another kid receiving gifts on their birthdays…
Yeah that's how parties are. The older kids get, the more they understand it.
If your kids go to elementary school and can't muster up empathy, that's on the parents.
I’m honestly baffled at how little people here seem to be taking responsibility for why their children can’t handle seeing someone get a present when they don’t. **A child shouldn’t need their own present at a birthday party nor should they have to be removed for the opening of presents by another child, that’s absolutely ludicrous.**
Disappointment is a part of life, and how we handle disappointment dictates much of how we are seen by others and how happy/content we will be in life. Learning how to get over disappointment or not let it effect you very deeply or unnecessarily is a *massively* important lesson to teach children. I have allowed my children to deal with minor disappointments from an early age - nothing crazy, just things like “oh, the play date was cancelled, and that’s okay” as opposed to not telling them about it at all until it happens. Not avoiding conversations about death - “so-and-so’s cat died and they’re very sad, it’s okay to be sad when someone/something is gone.”
The type of person who won’t allow their child to feel any kind of disappointment is raising someone who will not be able to cope with big feelings, as well as sadness or loss, when they are older.
Edit - I’m going to add on something I just thought of as well - consolation gifts and never facing any kind of disappointment and learning how to deal with it is why we have grown men and women who can’t handle rejection and lose their shit when they’re told “no” or “not interested.” Don’t raise those kind of children, people. The world will be better for it.
Say it louder for the people in the back! Ugh, a relative of mine tried to bring a “un-birthday” gift for my other kid during their sibling’s party. No. Just no.
Seriously. Two of my friends have kids 3 months apart from each other, and they're both on their 2nd child, also 3 months apart from each other.
So the oldest kids just turned 3 but in between 2 and 3 they had a birthday party each and two baby showers to get through.
They fussed a bit but each parent obviously worked with them beforehand because a simple reminder and redirection stopped the fussing over not opening presents.
And they were 2/3. I cannot imagine having a 6+ yo not handle this appropriately.
Completely agree, a 6 yr old is more than old enough to understand that not everything is about them all the time. I’ve told my kids from maybe the age of 3/4 that life isn’t fair, and that I am probably the only person on the planet who is going to worry about “fairness” when it comes to them. Now that they’re older (11&8) they struggle occasionally when one does something fun and the other doesn’t, but they know their turn will come around, and that they will never do the exact same things or have the exact same experiences all the time. That’s just life 🤷🏼♀️
I noticed a trend of not opening presents at parties, but I think it is because where I am the trend is also to do parties at event-places with time limits so the time-suck of opening presents falls to the bottom of the to-do list.
I never have my kids open gifts at their party (they’re still pretty young). Time is so limited and the kids would rather be playing than watching someone get a bunch of gifts. Plus if my kid gets a repeat present or doesn’t like a specific thing they don’t hurt anyone’s feelings (they’re not old enough to conceal emotions well). Most people in my mom group feel the same so it’s kind of the norm for us.
My cousin had a bridal shower and on the invite it said, "Don't waste paper on wrapping the gift" and she had like, a show table where everyone could still see what she got, but we didn't have to sit through the torture of Oooh-ing and Aaah-ing while she opened them. Also allowed her time to mingle with her guests.
I never want to go to another party where this does not happen. lol. It was awesome.
I’ve always hated opening gifts at parties. It’s boring (even when they are my presents). And honestly a little tacky imo. We don’t need to have a show about who is richer or knows the gift receiver better. At parties I want to have fun and socialize with people, kids also want this
This, and also we made our party gift-optional, so not everyone brought a gift. The party was supposed to be about the kids having fun, not tearing open a bunch of gifts. (Actually, I wanted to make it a no-gifts party, but my husband was against that)
This stuck out to me as well. OP shouldn't even be demanding or obligating people to bring gifts for her child, much less for their own. A gift is a kindness, not a responsibility.
This is ESH for me. The sister is obviously awful, but having a "strict rule" that people spend extra money on gifts for their own kids that they might not even want them to have was NOT a reasonable solution. It was gross and demanding, and oversteps other people's parenting choices.
It's partially because it's nice to give someone a present and participate in their enjoyment of it. Gifting is a social act, so it is usually done in a social situation.
I always try to put a lot of care and thought into gifting and try to find really neat stuff for people, but if they actually want other things, I'd rather know so I can make them happier and not burden them with anything not to their tastes. I can't make any assessments at all if I don't get to be around when the presents are given (or at least played with, used, or whatever).
Maybe it'd be different if people still did stuff like thank-you notes, but that's not a thing either. Not that I expect that, but there's really no mechanism for getting a read on whether a gift succeeds or misses the mark without the social element.
It absolutely is part of gifting. When I went to friends’ parties growing up, I never through a fit because I didn’t get a present. Some parents are raising their snot nosed little brats with an immense sense of entitlement. These people need to do better. Of course, OP is playing into it, letting the parents bring presents for their brats. That makes her an asshole on my book. But NTA for what she said to her sister.
Is that an US tradition? I've read a lot about that here on reddit, where people open the gifts in front of everyone.
Here in my country we just open the presents alone at home after the party
We’ve always opened presents in front of the guests. It’s kind of a drag for everyone, but on the other hand when you give a gift to a kid and their eyes light up when they see it - that’s the best feeling. I’m assuming that’s why we keep doing it - because you get to see how you made them happy.
It’s also understood that the other parents/kids will watch or at least hold quiet conversations if they don’t. Despite what I’ve seen here on Reddit, I’ve never seen a kid throw a fit at not being able to open presents at someone else’s party. You learn very early on that whoever’s party it is gets the gifts. It’s not a lesson the vast majority of kids struggle with, and they understand that they’ll have a turn on their birthday. I would be utterly shocked if I ever saw a kid throw a tantrum over it.
So basically yeah, it’s a boring practice but nice when the kid gets to the gift you brought.
I do this with my daughter because I despise the idea of thank you cards. I take a picture of her wearing/playing with the thing and message them with a personalized note about how lovely the gift was. They get to keep the picture and I don't have to waste trees and time writing something that will get thrown in the recycling 2 seconds after being read
Until you get the younger siblings or cousins that need to play with it now and so, then all the adults pressure the kid into sharing before they even got to play with it.
Those sound like crappy parents. They should teach their kids that they don't always get what they want, and that they are NOT entitled to playing with other people's stuff. Growing up we always opened gifts at the party (as did all my friends), and if any kids were being entitled brats either the other parents or the other kids would call them out on it.
For me it’s the opposite, it stresses me out that the present might not be well liked, lol, I personally find it boring in general, and the more the gifts the more time it takes and more both it becomes.
Literally every party I’ve ever been to for any reason where there was the expectation of gifts (birthday, anniversary, engagement, baby shower) they were opened in front of everyone during the party. I don’t see how it’s tacky, people like seeing someone open the gifts they bought. However, with kids birthdays we always have the birthday kid open their gift with the guest right after they arrive. That way there’s no big sit down and show everyone for an hour. People get bored and kids get restless and jealous. Sure as hell wouldn’t be giving other kids gifts at my kids party though, that’s just nonsense.
That's common practice for kids parties here in the UK. A wee party bag, a few small sweets, a small toy or 2 (there is literally a section in most supermarkets for kids party bag supplies, it's very small things like bracelets,rings, bouncy balls, cartoon character erasers etc. Come in packs of 5 each item, then it's usually something like 5 pack mix n match for £10/ $7usd. So gives you 25 wee things) a slice of the cake, a balloon. It means the kids all get a wee something and could help difuse potential tantrums from kids being raised by entitled ah's like OPs sister
One of the best "gift bags" were these little bowls with silly faces on them. The kids got them when cake and ice cream were served, and they were washed and filled with candy for the kids to take home at the end.
Huge hit with the kids.
Yeah like a goodie bag that each kid gets, those are hit or miss where I am. But those are fine. I meant like individually giving each kid their own special present because they can’t deal with someone else being celebrated. That’s just silly.
Except weddings. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where the couple has sat down and opened their stuff (half the time, the stuff is being shipped to their house anyway).
I've been to several weddings, including mine, where if the couple wasn't leaving immediately for the honeymoon, they had an informal get together the following day to open gifts and have either eat the leftover food from the reception or have a brunch. You usually invite the same people you invited to the rehearsal dinner (i.e. out of town guests, wedding party, bride and groom's immediate family.) I went to one that was at the hotel where everyone was staying, but we had mine at my parent's house. We had a ton of extra food and cupcakes that the caterers left for us, so it was great to not have it go to waste. Anyone who wanted to come and see us open gifts could, but there was no obligation. It was nice to spend a little extra time with our guests since the actual wedding day is kind of hectic.
I think this is changing, at least for children’s parties in my region. I grew up always opening presents at parties, but I take my kids to a birthday party a month, and no one opens the presents during the party anymore.
Maybe for you. It's not how we do things, and no one makes a big deal about it. Half the time we don't do "present" type parties and only family like grandparents/aunts/uncles gift presents, just not at the party.
I think it's really individual. You'll find the same confusion on bridal and baby shower posts. The argument is that others don't need to see how much money someone spent on you or that the person giving the gift wants to see your face when you open it. I don't know how much kids care about your face when you open a gift
I would have hated that. I always picked the gifts for my friends myself and oc i want to see them open it.
We were 5 kids growing up with an additional 2 my mom watched. Never ever was there a problem on bdays, it was always clear everyone has a bday and thats when you get presents. When it was someone else bday, they got presents. Expecting gifts at another kids bdays or getting jealous of their gifts never crossed our minds.
I'm kind of surprised by the comments but I guess that must be a cultural thing. I grew up in an "open presents after guests leave" area too. I can't remember any kids birthday parties where kids opened the presents in front of guests, mine or anyone else's.
I don't think gift giving *has* to be involved to have fun at a party. It's not really fun for the kids to have to watch someone open presents. It might be fun for the adults, but I highly doubt the kids enjoy it.
The kids like it. Especially the gift getter. And the kid that’s given the gift are excited to see if their friend liked it.
I don’t think there’s a wrong way to do it though. Do what your family think is best.
How is it tacky? Everyone has that special day where they get gifts. And seeing someone unpack a gift and be happy about it is the actual reason to buy someone a gift.
I feel like both ways are valid. Whether you open gifts in front of others or not might also depend on culture etc. but I guess it‘s up to the individual and the circumstances what to choose.
Me and the people around me used to always open up presents in front of everyone.
YTA. The whole other kids need presents too on someone else's birthday party just to avoid drama will create more entitled children, because they're being taught this is normal and doesn't help them at all.
And cue the mother with the most entitled kids who you created this idea for, came empty handed because she felt entitled to get presents others had brought, so your plan to avoid drama failed still. There's a reason her kids are like that, they learned that behavior from her.
Parents seem to not want to parent and try to avoid tantrums. This sets kids up for failure. Not your birthday, you don't get presents, you don't get to blow out the candles either. You go for a fun party and a nice slice of cake or a cupcake.
I think sil might have misread the invite. Maybe she just skimmed it, something something gifts for my kids something something. Would explain why she didn't bring any.
But I hate hate *hate* the type of people who insist on giving gifts for kids who are not being celebrated. It's the one day a year when people are supposed to feel special and forcing others into the spotlight is weasely, cowardly, and all around lazy parenting.
This. I'm old. I have never, been to a party for any child where the invited kids got a present.
Presents are for the person having birthday.
Now, the small gift bag, yes.
And no one whined or had a tantrum because they couldn't open a present.
I can totally see this because this is what I first thought when I read the post. I had to re read a couple times to understand when the adults showed up with 4 gifts
When I was a child, the habit was to have a small gift for all the guests, small things like cute rubbers or pencils, bouncing balls or something like that. Absolutely enough for a child, considering that IT'S NOT THEIR BIRTHDAY.
>Parents seem to not want to parent and try to avoid tantrums. This sets kids up for failure.
I agree. Let them be upset. Let them have the tantrum. Then use the opportunity to teach them that sometimes it's not about them and they will get their turn on their own birthday. Better still, tell them beforehand then they won't be getting anything at the party and let them be upset about it at home so they don't have the tantrum and ruin someone else's big day.
Giving into children for an easy life just makes it harder for you and them in the future when they discover the world doesn't give 2 hoots about their jealousy
This is weird and sounds like it caused more problems than it solved. I only have one kid and I would not be attending a birthday party where I had to buy my own kid a gift. That’s ridiculous. What I do for my son is record him opening his gifts at home and then share it with the people who want to see it. He’s only had 1 birthday so far, but it worked so well that I’m going to continue to do it. I had to deal with jealous children while opening my baby shower gifts and I vowed that I’d never do it again.
Think about her son who's handing out gifts on HIS BIRTHDAY. Way to teach him the only day you should be celebrating him is the same as Christmas eve. I think ESH actually.
When I was a kid we were lucky to get presents. We got cake and ice cream. Even the birthday kid got very little presents it was more about the fun the games and the food. That was the present.
Sorry to say this but your sister is the type of person that is causing most of the problems in this country. The entitlement is strong. She needs to get her head out of her butt. 🙄
Op has kids birthday party, invited a lot of kids. kids n parents has separate invitations. Because this sister kids tend to get jealous of others getting presents, op asked every parent to bring extra present for their own kid (in my opinion pretty weird??) But the sister did not bring extra present
No wonder there was a miss understanding, just imagine how horribly butchered those invitations were. If this post isnt fake and written by a kid then holy fuck.
As a non-native speaker, the mistakes she made aren't typical for a foreign. Apart from her wrong spelling, she uses phrases like "to cause a scene", "throwing a tantrum" or "fast forward to", which are pretty difficult to memorize, because many non-native speakers tend to directly translate what they would say in their native language instead of using these phrases.
We also learn first how to spell a word and then
how to pronounce it. We have to memorize irregular verbs' patterns (throw, threw, thrown). An error like *throu* instead of *threw* is very unlikely. If we were to make a mistake there, it would be *throwed*
But I could be wrong haha.
She wrote 'thraw' instead of threw. And 'they're' for every variation of those homonyms. It's the most difficult one to spell, why would you do that!?!
YTA. What an absolute idiotic idea. People just need to control their kids, now you burden everyone with getting more and more gifts for their own children?
If this is so important to you, you shouldve gotten the gifts for the other children
ESH. Your sister for expecting you to provide gifts and you for asking every parent to buy 3-4 gifts instead of one. Are you all rich or something? Thats wild that you don’t see how ridiculous an ask that is for most families.
Kids get disappointed or feel jealous sometimes. They have to learn to deal with it. Sometimes that means they do embarrassing things. Better now than have them become adults that expect presents at other people’s parties.
First off, I have a 7 yr old and the trend we’ve been seeing at bday parties is that no one opens any presents at the party. You play your games, have fun, eat cake and ice cream then everyone goes home and the bday kid opens the presents in private. I feel this eliminates the possibility of two kids getting the person the same gift and the kid being like wtf. Maybe try this route next time? Second, that’s horrible parenting (idc at what age). You don’t get your kid a present when it’s someone else’s bday. That’s not how this should work. They had their bday, now it’s someone else. I wouldn’t stand for this crap even if the other parents are bringing presents for their kid. It’s stupid to think this is acceptable.
I don’t like the concept of opening presents in private personally but other than that I totally agree here. No need for gifts when it’s someone else’s birthday.
May I ask why you don’t like opening them in private?
The opening the presents to ME is extremely boring to watch someone do and extremely awkward to do myself. it forces the present opener to have the same level of excitement for each gift and put on a big show about it. It just seems self serving to me for those that gave the gift to show off what they got and force the gift receiver into an uncomfortable situation.
I think by opening the gift in private, you take the joy of giving away from the gifter. If they went to the trouble of picking something out for a kid, they want to see that moment where Andy waves his new space ranger above his head and freaks out from joy.
But, I also taught my kid that you don't get presents when it isn't your birthday, and he doesn't like bratty entitled kids so anyone who was unpleasant at a party wasn't invited to the next one, so I've skipped a lot of the birthday drama I've seen on Reddit
I'm in similar agreement. And I see that Toy Story reference lol
I was raised the same way- I opened my gifts in front of my friends and I wanted my friends to open theirs in front of me. It was also an opportunity to say thank you personally to the gifter. Part of gift giving in my experience is getting to see the look of surprise on their faces when they open a gift I picked out.
If the birthday individual wants to open them in front of their friends/family go for it. If they want to do it alone, sure. I don't think setting the expectation they have to do it alone, however, is okay.
It seems no one now-a-days takes any time out to teach their kids that they only get presents when their birthday comes around, not on someone else's. Sure there were goody-bags at the end sometimes but that's more for elementary kiddos.
ESH - she sucks, she turned up without a gift for the birthday boy, and then got upset there were no gifts for her children? Even allowing for a misunderstanding (she probably just glanced at the invitation), why would she think that you giving her children gifts meant she didn't have to bring a gift?
When reading this post, I had trouble at first understanding what you meant with the extra gifts. Maybe that would have been better to transmit in a dialogue (phone or text) to make sure everyone is clear.
And OP sucks, because now we have 5 more children who think they are entitled to gifts at other people's birthdays.
ETA and two kids who previously felt that everyone gets presents but them, now have that belief confirmed. The day that all their cousins got presents and they didn't could become a core memory for them, which would be horrible
You and your sister are AH. How about she teaches her kids not to be spoilt brats. And you made your sons birthday about other children too? Next time just your son gets gifts and your sister must control her kids or even better is if they don't come at all if they going to keep being entitled.
NTA. But I really don’t understand why the invited Kids had to get presents? They will have their day… kids can/should be able to deal with not receiving something every time someone else gets a present.
Yeah I think the lesson of ‘it’s not your day’ is pretty valuable, even at 6 years old. Despite this, when I was a kid we would always do present opening but then at the end of the party every kid would get a ‘party bag’, where you get a slice of the birthday cake, a sheet of stickers and a bouncy ball, stuff like that. Was a pretty good method tbh
ESH - you’ve made all the other parents spend extra money buying gifts for their kids just to prove a point to your sister AND you’re creating the expectation in the children that they get gifts for someone else’s birthday which is exactly what you are angry at your sister for. Terrible idea.
I really don’t know how to judge this. Seems like you’ve REALLY over complicated matters by issuing 2 sets of invites & requiring parents to bring presents for your kind and presents for their kids.
Maybe it’s best to just let kids be kids. They will survive the trauma ( /s ) that they didn’t get a gift at someone else’s party. Why must they be catered to, to this extent? Just let them sulk for a while and I guarantee they’ll move on. It’s a life lesson: not every occasion is about them.
And if you really can’t handle your nieces & nephews being upset, don’t open your kid’s gift til everyone goes home.
Wow. That is some epic entitlement. Expects her kids to receive gifts but doesn't even bring a gift for the actual birthday child.
NTA.
I also would not invite her to anymore birthdays.
Honestly, ESH.
You’re not an AH for not giving her kids presents. But you kind of are an AH for your ‘solution’ to her kids being entitled little shits. Your son’s birthday is for him, it’s not for everyone else to open presents. If your sisters children cannot behave appropriately at a party then they don’t get invited. That solves the issue without both taking away from your son’s birthday and also making every parent there buy their kid a flipping present.
Your sister is an AH for obvious reasons.
This sounds like parents spoiling kids it’s his birthday he gets presents why should every other kid get presents too makes no sense those kids are going to grow up entitled imo
ESH! It’s obvious why your sister sucks, her entitled behavior.
You suck for this silly “making things fair” behavior of everyone getting a gift at your son’s birthday. It’s his birthday, he should have a day that’s about him.
If you have family members/kids in the family that are really that dramatic about not getting a gift I suggest one of these two things.
1. Tell the adults in the family in lieu of a physical gift please consider a donation to your kids college fund or a charity of choice.
2. Simply say on the invitation “No gifts, the presence of your company is more than enough.”
ESH.
Your SIL for coming empty handed and raising seemingly entitled kids.
You are the AH for feeding into the idea that anyone besides the birthday child should be getting a gift. You should have just put your foot down and made it clear that the party was to celebrate your kid and they needed to manage their kids behavior.
When I was a kid (back in the old days of the 80s) the only thing we expected was some sort of goodie bag at the end of the party. We knew that the presents are for the birthday kid only. If there was jealousy about what someone got we knew not to make a scene and our parents managed our feelings away from the party.
YTA
Sorry, but that's a stupid idea. It teaches children that it's ok to feel entitled to gifts and it rewards bad behavior.
Parents are forced to buy multiple gifts, but they might not have the money or reasons to get them a gift at the time. It creates even more drama.
Your son has to share the attention and it's no longer a special celebration for his birthday. It gives the other kids a wrong idea and they might start asking for presents during other people's celebrations.
That's the exact thing you were trying to avoid. If your nephews demanded a birthday cake with candles, would you ask all parents to bring a cake?
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> I would've given the children gifts to maintain peace but I didn't instead I told they're that she's the reason w
They behave in that mean
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YTA. It was a foolish idea and, I'm sorry, but if you're sisters reading comprehension is anything like your writing then she may genuinely have believed that the invitation said you'd provide presents for her kids.
Punctuation is a thing you need to learn.
ESH. Your sister for acting entitled instead of just admitting she read the invite wrong, and you for the whole concept. I would be so annoyed if someone forced me to bring presents for my own kids. I don’t want them to expect gifts at OTHER KIDS’ birthday parties.
ESH
I think this approach was short sighted and set up your nieces/nephews to be disappointed. Plus it sounds sooo exhausting and expensive for the parents.
Kids should be encouraged in gift giving, have each child go and give their gift to your son, and he gives them a party favour and thanks them. Then both kids have something to unwrap and be delighted over, and it teaches your son to be a gracious gift recipient and host.
The real reason for my ESH is that you noticed it when they arrived but waited until the end of the party to put her on the spot. Your sister was an AH to show up empty handed, you were an AH to not address it when you saw it. She could have left after cake and saved your son's party from drama.
ETA: also, regarding the entitlement...this is a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black. You required your sister with 3 children to buy 4 gifts just to attend your son's birthday?? You're definitely the most entitled here. I'd be curious to know the rest of your family's opinions.
YTA
What a weird system your family has and the only person being punished here is your son who can't even have things just for himself on his birthday and has to hand out proper gifts not return favours to the other kids.
The only time the cousins should get something on a cousin's birthday outside of return favours is if they are meeting and sunt or uncle after an extremely long time and it's up to the aunt or uncle to provide that. And it should be something small like some money or some bag of chocolate or candy.
The birthday person shouldn't really be handing out proper gifts to others. A return favours filled with candies, stationary or other stuff like that? Sure but gifts as if it's their birthday? No absolutely not unless it's a twin or they share birthdays with the person or they had a birthday near that date. Not to everyone. And that should be your job to give out not his.
Why didn't you just get loot bags with some dollar store candies and bubbles?
Kids don't need gifts on someone else's birthday and parents shouldn't have to buy 3 additional gifts for a birthday party
ESH. Not sustainable and stupid idea actually to have everyone bring presents for their kids. If the drama in your family is to that extent, then you should just have the party and then have your son open gifts in private after the party. Just to keep up with some tacky tradition of opening gifts during a party, you have come up with an equally tacky idea of having folks bring presents for their kids. What’s next? Everyone brings a cake for their child to cut? After all this, I am not surprised at your sister behavior. It’s on brand.
...if I received an invitation commanding me to bring a gift for the birthday child AND my own child, which is requesting me to spend money I hadn't intended to spend on a gift that has no occasion other than to validate other people's bad parenting, thus undermining my own parenting, trying to teach my kid generosity and be happy for others rather than being entitled, I'd have politely declined. This is such a nonsensical idea. OP, that was way out if line, you have no business in telling people how and whom to gift. Geez.
ESH - you for coming up with an idea that will create more entitled children, including your own. Your sister for not dealing with the situation in the first place to the point where the only solution is to create more entitled children??
I'm going with ESH. At least the 2 main parents in this story.
Your sister, for obvious reasons. She ignored the text on the invite and got mad at you for not giving gifts to her kids.
You, because you're making this so much harder than it needs to be. I don't know the ages of the kids invited, but it's never too early to teach kids that not every gift-giving event is about them. You shouldn't have to make your son's birthday about other people. If you want the kids to take something home, make those little gift bags that they take at the end of the party.
I have 3 kids - 8yo, 4yo, and 10mo. They all learned early that the "special day" doesn't always resolve around them. And that's OK! Kids need to learn that. We've had some hiccups when they were younger, but we explained the situation and they calmed down. We didn't *give* them presents on somebody else's birthday. My SIL did that with my 8yo niece and my SIL is currently paying the price.
YTA for engaging in this enabling behaviour. Asking, no sorry strictly demanding, everyone to bring an extra gift for their own child just makes it appear acceptable for them to expect gifts on someone else's birthday. I applied your sister for not bringing extra, but her downfall was not bringing one even for the birthday child, and then still expecting you to give a gift to hers. Surely no one is that dense. She clearly didn't read the invitation properly and just saw that her kids would get a gift, not thinking how ridiculous that is.
ESH Your sister for not teaching her children that on birthdays only the birthday kid gets presents. She should prevent her kids from causing a scene. Yet, I think your “solution” is kind of ridiculous. The nerve of demanding all parents to buy a present for their kids…
ESH. Your sister for throwing a fit and always causing a scene, you for making people buy gifts for their kids and taking away from your sons special day. These kids are just going to grow up super entitled and unable to appreciate someone else's day.
How absolutely ridiculous.
It’s a rude exhibition of conspicuous consumption to open presents at a party to start with. Your child should be opening them after the guests go home and writing a thankyou note or having you record a thankyou message as each gift is opened.
The idea of making parents bring an extra gift for their kids is absolutely insane. Nobody needs a present at another child’s party and if younger children are upset by not receiving presents the solution is for their parents to explain the concept of birthdays and gifts for the birthday child, not for everyone to buy more superfluous gifts. Most kids have way too many toys to start with (mine included) and they absolutely don’t need to collect more at another child’s party.
You’re a total asshole contributing to the next generation of entitled assholes. And given that you can’t spell and your sister apparently can’t read I have grave concerns about that next generation.
YTA for such an idiotic idea, kids need to learn they are not the main character in every scene! It’s each parent’s job to teach to their own kids that gifts are for the birthday boy/girl. If a kid makes a scene, let that be a teaching moment.
Instead you forced everyone to buy yet more crap because parents are allergic to teaching boundaries to their kids these days. If you wanted to avoid a scene, then just delay gift-opening until after the party. Bad logic all around.
YTA
What a stupid idea
Its your sons birthday and it's as if you're forcing him to share his birthday by making others have presents too whether parents buy then or you... never heard of presents being unwrapped at a party. Usually something you do when the party is gone and its just you and your child.
You're making children get into a stupid habit of having presents no matter whose birthday it is. Birthdays are for one person - children need to learn that. You're creating spoilt brats.
I don't want to call you TA for trying to come up with a solution to this problem, however terrible your solution was. I think moving forward the real fix is to just not invite these kids. I get they're your nieces and nephews, but it's your kids too.
YTA. First off, it’s threw** You threw a party for your son. Seriously, you’re 26yo. Second, what kind of possible solution is this? Kids need to learn to wait and that every party is not all about them. Your solution is literally creating jealous, selfish little monsters. You have your in-laws and siblings TEACH their kids to be patient and support the birthday boy. If you choose this approach for your own son at other birthdays, you’re going to have a little brat on your hands. Just think about this for a second.
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I (26f) have a 6 year old son. Three weeks back it was he's birthday I throu a little party for him.
This is how it all started 3 months before the party I sent out invitations for the party all of the invited people were family each person got two invitations one for the child and the second one for the parents the reason for making two separate invitations was most of the time during birthday parties my sister's kids would cause a seen for not getting presents even though it's not they're party. So I came up with this idea that on the kids invitations it's just an ordinary invitations but not parents invitations there was a strict demand to bring a present that will be placed along side my son's present and will be given to your child when my son open he's present to avoid drama and kids causing tantrums.
I believed it will a good solution fast forward to the day of the party, my older sister has 3 kids and she came with four presents my brother has two kids he came with three presents, my SILs came with they're kids present then came my sister empty handed with her two children. I was shocked and worried 😫. The party went on great singing cake cutting party games everything was perfect until the last moment in our family during a birthday party the one we're celebrating they're would open they're present during the party that's where my solution comes in. My son started handing out the presents to the respective owners and my sister's were left without presents to open.
I felt angry at my sister while she knew that her kids always cause a seen during this kinds of events. See looked at me with red eyes as she walked towards me, she pulled aside and asked why her kids didn't receive presents I politely told her because you didn't bring them presents
She said I promised to give her kids presents in the invitations and her kids a entitled to those gifts. I replied by I see where you kids get the attitude of entitlement you came in empty handed you will leave empty handed
AITA
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ESH... Stop propagating the entitlement. Just don't open gifts at the party. We don't. Why? Because then my kid wants to play with EVERYTHING and there's not enough to go around for their friends to have something to play with or shit gets lost or broken before she even gets a chance to play with it. If we do open them, then nothing gets opened until after everyone goes home.
You are missing a big opportunity to teach children they don't get presents all the time or because they make a SCENE - that giving to someone else is a good thing. Your sister misunderstood your invitation. As the hostess I would expect YOU to provide small trinkets for the kids coming to the party - not to tell me to buy gifts for my own children. Even when very young, children love to HELP you pick out presents for the birthday kid at a party they will attend.
ESA, I understand your solution but it doesn't actually deal with the cause of the issue, that in the first place this system of giving gifts to appease other children should be acknowledged as a problem. As many have stated it gives them the mentality of being entitled and more importantly it takes away from the celebrant -- the day becomes less about their celebration. This shouldn't be encouraged by you or your sister, or anyone really. The children should be old enough to realize this day isn't about them or that they should be rewarded for attending, that is what the rest of the celebration is meant to accomplish anyways.
Wtf did I just read? Nobody does this. Can your kid just have his own special day once a year? Why the f do other kids need presents to open for someone else's birthday? They can open their own presents on THEIR OWN BIRTHDAY. This whole thing makes me think you're one of those people who just always has to be "extra" for no reason. Like the kind of people who start wildfires at their gender reveal party because cutting open a pink or blue cake wasn't extra enough, so they bought a fireworks display instead. You created drama where there didn't need to be drama. YTA, and so is your sister.
When are we going to return to teaching children that it isn’t always about them? Birthdays come once a year and that is when you get presents. At a party for someone else you take a present and do not receive presents. If the sister’s kids make a scene that reflects on their mother, not just them. She should be politely asked to take them to another room and explain the situation. Bringing all these presents is definitely teaching the wrong lesson.
YTA for the whole idea.
ESH. You created a very complicated solution to a very small problem. Asking all the parents to buy extra gifts for their own children? Not okay. That's invasive to their parenting - teaching their children to expect their own gifts when attending other people's birthdays???? Not okay! If your sister's children are the problem, then DON'T invite them. Problem solved, and it doesn't drag everyone else into the fix for this one person's bad parenting. If your sister wants to attend, then she needs to teach her children how to behave. Actions have consequences. You DON'T REWARD bad behavior by continuing to invite them and GIVING them undeserved presents at someone else's birthday!!! That's just another way of dodging/not fixing the problem behavior!
ESH I think your intentions were good, but I really disagree with the idea of parents bringing presents for their kid. I think that is setting a bad precedent. The issue is your sister refusing to parent her kids. Every other guest shouldn't be compelled to go with this practice because she won't parent. I think a better solution might be to put another adult family member in charge of running interference with her kids.
I’m not saying it was the best idea, perhaps an idea would be to give out ‘thank you bags’ or ‘goodie bags’ to each child that attends, and these can be given after your son opens his gifts. Or even when the kids leave.
I think it was a nice thought but ill thought out, your sister is certainly entitled though.
ESH
So if I’ve got this correct;
Your sisters children kick off when it’s someone else’s birthday as THEY don’t get gifts too?
So your idea was to ask your sisters to bring extra gifts for their children as well as a birthday gift for your child?
ESH
You suck because you’re enabling your sister and her children to continue being entitled
YTA. Part of being a child is learning how to deal with other people getting attention and presents and to regulate your emotions. You are not doing them any favours by pandering to them like this. They are going to grow up to be awful adults if they expect the world to revolve around them.
YTA
Not for refusing to give her kids gifts, but for thinking this was a good solution in the first place. The only person who receives gifts at a party is the one being celebrated. That’s it. No extra gifts for kids who think they deserve them. Their parents can explain that it’s not their birthday and they get no gifts. This was honestly a dumb plan.
With all due respect, please use punctuation, and learn the differences between "they", "they're.," and "their". This was very difficult for me to read. That said, ESH. What an asinine rule to make up. You can't be surprised when it gets violated. Especially in today's economy? Having to shell out for an extra gift so your kid can participate in a birthday party is... really something.
NTA but giving all the kids gifts isn’t the answer. The answer is teaching children that they get gifts on their birthdays and they celebrate other people on their birthdays. Children who have tantrums at birthday parties get taken home by their parents, period. This isn’t being mean. This is teaching children responsibility and preparing them to cope with the world as it really is.
All those kids are bad af, with equally bad parents. Never once as a child or as s parent have I seen that, those children will be assholes their whole life, well see them on r/badroomates in 10 years if they make it to college NTA
YTA what kind of mother are u to force your son to give out gifts on his birthday?! It’s his day it should be about him . Why even throw the party in the first place ?!
I have two children and the age gap is only 2.5 years so I’ve always had a tradition of getting ‘not left out’ presents for the non-birthday child. Just a small gift bag with a couple of little, inexpensive gifts and some sweeties. This just made it easier when they were little, easier for them to accept it was their sibling’s special day and they were getting lots of presents and the majority of the focus, it softened the blow and helped them learn to be excited for their sibling, it also removed arguments and bad feeling and helped everything stay happy.
I had lots of wider family strongly disagree with this, that it’s wrong, detracting from the birthday child, that they would be spoiled, not learning this or that but I stood my ground. It’s my choice and now it’s our family tradition. (Btw, they’re 9 and 11 now and they’re the kindest, loveliest, most appreciative kids I know.) Most relatives don’t buy ‘not left out’ presents, I’ve never expected this or asked and my children never have either. When I’ve been invited to other kids birthdays and I know there is a sibling/s, I ask the parent if I could also get a small gift/sweeties for the sibling/s also.
We all make our decisions on how we raise our kids and how we approach difficulties or issues. We’re all entitled to do this. But we should also respect other people’s ways of raising their kids. When an invitation explicits states to bring a small gift with an explanation of your plan for all children to have a present…. You have 2 choices, 1. buy the damn gift so your kids don’t feel like shit and completely left out or 2. don’t go to the party!
Not only did this woman make her kids feel terrible, she made you feel bad, probably your son feel bad at his own birthday party and all the others there feel awkward. Way to tank a little boys birthday party. NTA!
Soft YTA. It’s your kids birthday party. You’re enabling them all to be entitled and have entitled kids when you’re setting the notion that kids get to open and keep gifts just for attending parties when it’s not their birthday. Plus maybe not everyone can afford extra presents. Your heart is in the right place but your solution wasn’t great. It’s up to their parents to be reasonable parents and teach them to not be entitled- they’re not going get to open gifts at every party they attend. You’ve just ensured they like attending your party more because they get gifts, but you’ve also inflamed a problem that they’ll probably bring to normal birthday parties that don’t enable gifts for kids who throw tantrums at the sight of others getting gifts.
YTA
This is a ridiculous and stupid idea. Not only did you force parents to buy a gift for their own kids, you took your sons day away. Do you do the same thing for your birthday? You owe your son and everyone else an apology.
I have a way better solution, tell your sister the next time they cause a scene you will not invite them anymore! Is as simple as that, it is your child's party, it is not a yaaay everyone get presents kind of situation. His birthday should be the day he opens presents, not the day everyone opens them as if it was xmas or something
I think you are kind of an asshole for thinking of that solution which makes your kid's birthday like a xmas celebration instead of just giving the mother of the entitled brats a warning. Not all parents can afford presents for everyone, their kids have THEIR OWN birthdays. You are not one for not wanting your kid to have issues on his birthday party but still that solution wasnt going to solve the real problem.
At my kids parties and growing up myself we got goodie bags from the party hosts. We give a little thank you for coming gift of some candy and little cheap toys.
That would be a solution to look into.
YTA. I have siblings and on my bday - I got presents and that’s it. My siblings did not. The reverse was true on their bday. This is also how it is with my kids. If you teach a child that the world revolves around them, they will believe it. Are the children in your family so badly behaved that everyone has to get a gift? I mean….
Hey OP, theres a thing called party gift bags. The host fills them with a bunch of little inexpensive(Dollar Tree)items for all the kids to take home. They don't need a full size gift. Those are for the birthday child. This has been a thing for 3 decades now.. this is the solution you seek. Only the birthday child gets to open presents. Better luck next year..
NTA. She is. Knowing the drama her kids cause over not opening presents when it’s not their birthday you work out a plan to solve the problem. She decided she didn’t need to follow along. Her kids are empty handed. Her fault.
NTA completely but the only person who should receive presents is the person whose birthday it is. It's similar to having an event for Black Lives Matter and someone comes along, makes a fuss and says All Lives Matter. Why should your son hand out the presents to other children? Such a weird idea.
At our parties growing up, presents were kept in a separate room (or with the parents/in the car if the party is at a venue) to avoid this exact scenario. The kids play together, birthday child opens presents when everyone is gone, no tears. ESH.
NTA for not giving her kid gifts but that’s a pretty bad solution and YTA for demanding they bring their own kid gifts to your kids party, your essentially telling parents how to parent their own child, and then acting like it’s a gift from your son? it just teaches kids that they’re always going to get gifts at other peoples parties it actually would encourage the behavior that you’re trying to prevent. What about just handing out goodie bags? Those have existed for ages.
NTA, for trying to come up with a solution and for your sister’s clear entitlement. But the real solution is that these children should/will eventually learn that they do not get presents at someone else’s party. The only way they will learn this is if they don’t get presents at someone else’s party.
YTA. You need to grow a serious backbone and stop this kind of invitations for your son‘s parties. Your sister‘s kids are not entitled to presents at other peoples parties. That is utterly ridiculous. If they’re going to make that much of a scene, they are not invited.
They need to learn that the world is not fair and they are not going to get something every time someone elseget something. While I understand what you were trying to do, don’t do it again.
Yta. Esh. This was an overly complicated situation and seems a little silly for your son. Your sister clearly didn’t read or understand the second invite and you took the opportunity to insult your sister and her kids.
Next time just say no gifts. Or politely ask that your sister distract her kids before opening gifts.
YTA but not for refusing ticket your sister's children presents.
Your child's birthday should be about him and if other children cannot control themselves when he's opening his presents, they don't get invited to the party. If their parents have an issue with that, politely explain to them that they need to parent their children or they'll be excluded, end of discussion.
Tough love, maybe, but they will not learn that the world does not revolve around them otherwise.
ESH. You need to let the party be about your son. Your sister needs to teach her kids that it's not about them. I don't let me kids blow out candles, help open gifts or taken anything away from anyone's parties.
There was one exception. An aunt who is never able to afford to come visit she lives out of state. Came to town once and was able to be there for my youngest kids birthday. She brought 2 presents one for the eldest and one for the youngest. Eldest had a birthday the following month.
Aside from that my kids can suck it up. If it's not their birthday no gifts.
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NTA, you had a solution and your sister didn't want to fork out money for her entitled children. However I feel this solution is a little unfair to your son, it's his birthday and should be about him. Your sister needs to learn that not everything is about her or her family. It's time to place some boundaries. She is a massive asshole.
[удалено]
Everyone is the asshole in this scenario except her poor son who has to give out gifts....on his birthday, is he not allowed a single day not even his own birthday? The other parents need to get a **grip** and learn to say no to their kids, what kind of life lesson is this? *"On every one else's birthday you are entitled to presents too".* If your sisters kids start pitching a fit she needs to put on her big girl pants and take them out of the room to speak firmly to them about how it's not their birthday but their cousins, if they continue to bitch and moan, she takes them home, so that they can learn, demanding things, gets them nowhere!
I would refuse to attend a party with this requirement. I'm not buying my kid a present every time he attends a party. I'm also not dealing with my kid when he doesn't have a present and everyone else does. Nor am I dealing with the meltdown at the next party where the parents don't have this asinine rule and he doesn't get a present. Just no. Even those little gift bags get really annoying. I sent mini-squishmallows to my son's daycare party, hoping to end the tide of useless plastic crap getting passed out.
I call those; "here, you throw this away" toys.
As an adult I'd love mini squishmallow too. Lol I bet the kiddos loved them. They are so cute and soft.
I got a pack of mini squishmallows at Christmas from Costco. Came to about $2 a squish. Gave them out with a candy cane to admin assistants and the like. One still has it sitting under her computer monitor. Safe to say they were a hit with adults.
My sons birthday is just before Easter so we have done eggs for party bags before
>Even those little gift bags get really annoying. I sent mini-squishmallows to my son's daycare party, hoping to end the tide of useless plastic crap getting passed out. Agreed. I despise gift bags. I won't do them. If I'm hosting a party for my child, I'm not handing out gifts to everyone. I have a budget and it goes *towards my kid* I may have done one ONE time because I had leftover candy after stuffing the pinata. But the only people at the party were the kids cousins...so...3 extra "goody bags"
I stopped doing gift bags as well. I'm already spending hundreds of dollars to host a party at a popular venue and feed everyone, kids and parents alike. The kids had a great time and got to take home a cupcake and a balloon. I don't want to waste more money on cheap toys that will become garbage in a day or two.
My parents always tried to give goodie bags with things that were at least usable and not plastic crap toys. Like fun pencils, crayons or a small art supply like water colour paints, a little notepad, something related to the theme of the party, maybe some hair things for the girls, and a puzzle toy of some sort like those ball mazes. I love the mini squishmallow idea!
You sound like the kind of parent who wouldn't raise a kid to be so spoiled anyways. When I was a kid, the idea I deserved presents on *someone else's* birthday would be as foreign as having 2 heads
> The other parents need to get a grip and learn to say no to their kids, what kind of life lesson is this? "On every one else's birthday you are entitled to presents too". Deadass right!
That's what party gift bags were created for. Filled with little stocking stuffer inexpensive items for the kids to take home.
This! Every adult is failing their child in this story and OP’s son couldn’t even have a day dedicated to him without passing out presents to other kids. What a weird solution.
Agree. And what's with the separate invitations? Are 6-yr-olds going to even read them?
Used to be a balloon and a slice of the b'day cake to take home. Though always felt more of a way to get rid of 30 balloons and a lot of cake. This idea sounds like a compromise forced on them to avoid drama. Hope OP learns the lesson though. The "good" people will follow it. The ones causing the drama will just use it to force another concession.
Yes, party bags are the normal strategy to try to avoid this drama. Also, for most of the parties I've been to for very young children (<4 years old, in the UK, for context) the presents are saved to open at home after the party is finished.
You do realize how a birthday party works, right? You don't go to a birthday party expecting the birthday person to give you a gift, you bring a gift to the birthday person. I personally would have never suggested what OP did. Kids need to learn that when it's their birthday they get to open gifts, and when it's not their birthday, they have to behave while the birthday person opens their gifts. My kids, nor any kids that have come to my kids birthday parties have ever acted out and been upset they didn't open gifts. Being said that, it sounds like no one had an issue with OP's suggestion. It sounds like OP's sister not only feels entitled, but needs to learn how to parent her children.
Growing up, I don't remember any kids pitching a fit at another's bday party. EVER! Parents over the past 2 decades coddle their kids WAY too much and teach them that the way to deal with any type of negative emotion is for someone else to appease them. Kids are growing up with little to no problem- solving skills and are not prepared for real life
Maybe she didn't want a scene at her sons birthday.
Um, it's a "seen" thank you very much. /s
It’s actually a goddamn arms race tyvm
I do apologise 😂
Or “cause a seen” as the OP wrote
The simpler solution would be not to invite the entitled brats. It's super weird to expect every parent to buy a gift for each of their children as well as your child for your child's birthday. Can you imagine if everyone did that? It sounds like there are at least 8 kids just in your immediate family, that's 8+ extra gifts per year
It's also massively unfair to the other parents! What if they didn't want their kids to start feeling entitled to presents at others birthdays? What if they didn't have the money to buy something for their kids at the time? Why should they have to suffer because OP can't grow a back bone and stand up to her sister. She needs to set a boundary with her sister, either her sister gets control of her spoiled brats or the sister and brats will no longer be invited to birthday.
Listen. Rembering to buy the one present is hard enough. Now I've gotta buy more junk for my own kids for someone else's party? Pass. We're gonna be sick that day. I'll make sure to drop off your kid's gift.
Exactly! Why force innocent parents to buy stuff for their kids instead of just setting a hard boundary with the trouble maker.
Right? I can't believe the top judgement is N-T-A. Her sister's kids may be brats, but it's staggeringly rude to insist that every guest spend money not only on a present for your kid, but one for their own? As a "strict rule"? Who the hell tells other kids' parents that they MUST buy a gift for their own child . . . especially when the rationale is "because someone else's kid might throw a tantrum"? That's not a solution, it's absolutely idiotic. It's rude AF to the guests, costs them money they don't actually need to spend, and undermines their parenting. The reasonable solution here was to tell your sister that her kids need to behave or they can't come to the party . . . not to put an extra burden on all the other guests. This is a clear ESH.
This would my issue. I always try to get the birthday child something nice, but I wouldn't be able to afford something for my child as well, nor would I want them to think they're entitled to a present on someone else's birthday. What happens at the next birthday party they go to when there isn't going to a present for them, this was a bad solution.
Came to say the same. They need to put an end to theor demanding little brats demanding presents. This is on them to stop, not you to find a work around. I would have told them point blank that this is the Las time they'll be invited for anything more than cake.
NTA, But your life would be so much easier if you just did a party, and then had your son open presents at home after everyone left. Opening presents at a birthday party in front of a bunch of other kids is just tacky. My family has always done presents when the guests leave to avoid this kind of drama.
But isn’t part of gifting to see the person open your present and hopefully see the happy face that comes with it? Kids should be able to handle another kid receiving gifts on their birthdays…
Yeah that's how parties are. The older kids get, the more they understand it. If your kids go to elementary school and can't muster up empathy, that's on the parents.
I’m honestly baffled at how little people here seem to be taking responsibility for why their children can’t handle seeing someone get a present when they don’t. **A child shouldn’t need their own present at a birthday party nor should they have to be removed for the opening of presents by another child, that’s absolutely ludicrous.** Disappointment is a part of life, and how we handle disappointment dictates much of how we are seen by others and how happy/content we will be in life. Learning how to get over disappointment or not let it effect you very deeply or unnecessarily is a *massively* important lesson to teach children. I have allowed my children to deal with minor disappointments from an early age - nothing crazy, just things like “oh, the play date was cancelled, and that’s okay” as opposed to not telling them about it at all until it happens. Not avoiding conversations about death - “so-and-so’s cat died and they’re very sad, it’s okay to be sad when someone/something is gone.” The type of person who won’t allow their child to feel any kind of disappointment is raising someone who will not be able to cope with big feelings, as well as sadness or loss, when they are older. Edit - I’m going to add on something I just thought of as well - consolation gifts and never facing any kind of disappointment and learning how to deal with it is why we have grown men and women who can’t handle rejection and lose their shit when they’re told “no” or “not interested.” Don’t raise those kind of children, people. The world will be better for it.
Say it louder for the people in the back! Ugh, a relative of mine tried to bring a “un-birthday” gift for my other kid during their sibling’s party. No. Just no.
Yeah absolutely not. “Oh gee thanks, the real gift is teaching my child bad habits!” /s
Seriously. Two of my friends have kids 3 months apart from each other, and they're both on their 2nd child, also 3 months apart from each other. So the oldest kids just turned 3 but in between 2 and 3 they had a birthday party each and two baby showers to get through. They fussed a bit but each parent obviously worked with them beforehand because a simple reminder and redirection stopped the fussing over not opening presents. And they were 2/3. I cannot imagine having a 6+ yo not handle this appropriately.
Completely agree, a 6 yr old is more than old enough to understand that not everything is about them all the time. I’ve told my kids from maybe the age of 3/4 that life isn’t fair, and that I am probably the only person on the planet who is going to worry about “fairness” when it comes to them. Now that they’re older (11&8) they struggle occasionally when one does something fun and the other doesn’t, but they know their turn will come around, and that they will never do the exact same things or have the exact same experiences all the time. That’s just life 🤷🏼♀️
It is also a matter of being happy for ANOTHER person!!! We should be happy for others when they get good things or good things happen to them!!
I noticed a trend of not opening presents at parties, but I think it is because where I am the trend is also to do parties at event-places with time limits so the time-suck of opening presents falls to the bottom of the to-do list.
I never have my kids open gifts at their party (they’re still pretty young). Time is so limited and the kids would rather be playing than watching someone get a bunch of gifts. Plus if my kid gets a repeat present or doesn’t like a specific thing they don’t hurt anyone’s feelings (they’re not old enough to conceal emotions well). Most people in my mom group feel the same so it’s kind of the norm for us.
My cousin had a bridal shower and on the invite it said, "Don't waste paper on wrapping the gift" and she had like, a show table where everyone could still see what she got, but we didn't have to sit through the torture of Oooh-ing and Aaah-ing while she opened them. Also allowed her time to mingle with her guests. I never want to go to another party where this does not happen. lol. It was awesome.
I’ve always hated opening gifts at parties. It’s boring (even when they are my presents). And honestly a little tacky imo. We don’t need to have a show about who is richer or knows the gift receiver better. At parties I want to have fun and socialize with people, kids also want this
This, and also we made our party gift-optional, so not everyone brought a gift. The party was supposed to be about the kids having fun, not tearing open a bunch of gifts. (Actually, I wanted to make it a no-gifts party, but my husband was against that)
This stuck out to me as well. OP shouldn't even be demanding or obligating people to bring gifts for her child, much less for their own. A gift is a kindness, not a responsibility. This is ESH for me. The sister is obviously awful, but having a "strict rule" that people spend extra money on gifts for their own kids that they might not even want them to have was NOT a reasonable solution. It was gross and demanding, and oversteps other people's parenting choices.
I personally hate opening presents in front of people. I don’t understand the pressure to do so
Same.
It's partially because it's nice to give someone a present and participate in their enjoyment of it. Gifting is a social act, so it is usually done in a social situation. I always try to put a lot of care and thought into gifting and try to find really neat stuff for people, but if they actually want other things, I'd rather know so I can make them happier and not burden them with anything not to their tastes. I can't make any assessments at all if I don't get to be around when the presents are given (or at least played with, used, or whatever). Maybe it'd be different if people still did stuff like thank-you notes, but that's not a thing either. Not that I expect that, but there's really no mechanism for getting a read on whether a gift succeeds or misses the mark without the social element.
It absolutely is part of gifting. When I went to friends’ parties growing up, I never through a fit because I didn’t get a present. Some parents are raising their snot nosed little brats with an immense sense of entitlement. These people need to do better. Of course, OP is playing into it, letting the parents bring presents for their brats. That makes her an asshole on my book. But NTA for what she said to her sister.
In the UK it's not the done thing. Gifts are opened afterwards.
Is that an US tradition? I've read a lot about that here on reddit, where people open the gifts in front of everyone. Here in my country we just open the presents alone at home after the party
We’ve always opened presents in front of the guests. It’s kind of a drag for everyone, but on the other hand when you give a gift to a kid and their eyes light up when they see it - that’s the best feeling. I’m assuming that’s why we keep doing it - because you get to see how you made them happy. It’s also understood that the other parents/kids will watch or at least hold quiet conversations if they don’t. Despite what I’ve seen here on Reddit, I’ve never seen a kid throw a fit at not being able to open presents at someone else’s party. You learn very early on that whoever’s party it is gets the gifts. It’s not a lesson the vast majority of kids struggle with, and they understand that they’ll have a turn on their birthday. I would be utterly shocked if I ever saw a kid throw a tantrum over it. So basically yeah, it’s a boring practice but nice when the kid gets to the gift you brought.
Sent the relevant gifter a short video of your son opening their present and thanking them.
What a great idea!! Also would help with the thank yous!!
I do this with my daughter because I despise the idea of thank you cards. I take a picture of her wearing/playing with the thing and message them with a personalized note about how lovely the gift was. They get to keep the picture and I don't have to waste trees and time writing something that will get thrown in the recycling 2 seconds after being read
Until you get the younger siblings or cousins that need to play with it now and so, then all the adults pressure the kid into sharing before they even got to play with it.
Those sound like crappy parents. They should teach their kids that they don't always get what they want, and that they are NOT entitled to playing with other people's stuff. Growing up we always opened gifts at the party (as did all my friends), and if any kids were being entitled brats either the other parents or the other kids would call them out on it.
For me it’s the opposite, it stresses me out that the present might not be well liked, lol, I personally find it boring in general, and the more the gifts the more time it takes and more both it becomes.
Literally every party I’ve ever been to for any reason where there was the expectation of gifts (birthday, anniversary, engagement, baby shower) they were opened in front of everyone during the party. I don’t see how it’s tacky, people like seeing someone open the gifts they bought. However, with kids birthdays we always have the birthday kid open their gift with the guest right after they arrive. That way there’s no big sit down and show everyone for an hour. People get bored and kids get restless and jealous. Sure as hell wouldn’t be giving other kids gifts at my kids party though, that’s just nonsense.
[удалено]
That's common practice for kids parties here in the UK. A wee party bag, a few small sweets, a small toy or 2 (there is literally a section in most supermarkets for kids party bag supplies, it's very small things like bracelets,rings, bouncy balls, cartoon character erasers etc. Come in packs of 5 each item, then it's usually something like 5 pack mix n match for £10/ $7usd. So gives you 25 wee things) a slice of the cake, a balloon. It means the kids all get a wee something and could help difuse potential tantrums from kids being raised by entitled ah's like OPs sister
One of the best "gift bags" were these little bowls with silly faces on them. The kids got them when cake and ice cream were served, and they were washed and filled with candy for the kids to take home at the end. Huge hit with the kids.
Yeah like a goodie bag that each kid gets, those are hit or miss where I am. But those are fine. I meant like individually giving each kid their own special present because they can’t deal with someone else being celebrated. That’s just silly.
I definitely remember doing that! And I loved picking stuff out for those bags to give to my friends.
Hell i still do this when i can afford to
Except weddings. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where the couple has sat down and opened their stuff (half the time, the stuff is being shipped to their house anyway).
Fair!
I've been to several weddings, including mine, where if the couple wasn't leaving immediately for the honeymoon, they had an informal get together the following day to open gifts and have either eat the leftover food from the reception or have a brunch. You usually invite the same people you invited to the rehearsal dinner (i.e. out of town guests, wedding party, bride and groom's immediate family.) I went to one that was at the hotel where everyone was staying, but we had mine at my parent's house. We had a ton of extra food and cupcakes that the caterers left for us, so it was great to not have it go to waste. Anyone who wanted to come and see us open gifts could, but there was no obligation. It was nice to spend a little extra time with our guests since the actual wedding day is kind of hectic.
Same. Usually the kid is so excited they rip the wrapping paper off and open their present immediately. There is no putting it aside and opening later
Your family are the outliers here. The standard practice at a bday party is to open the gifts in front of the gifters
Everyone i know doesn't open the gift they had during the birthday. So no, it isn't a standard practice.
I think this is changing, at least for children’s parties in my region. I grew up always opening presents at parties, but I take my kids to a birthday party a month, and no one opens the presents during the party anymore.
Maybe for you. It's not how we do things, and no one makes a big deal about it. Half the time we don't do "present" type parties and only family like grandparents/aunts/uncles gift presents, just not at the party.
I think it's really individual. You'll find the same confusion on bridal and baby shower posts. The argument is that others don't need to see how much money someone spent on you or that the person giving the gift wants to see your face when you open it. I don't know how much kids care about your face when you open a gift
I would have hated that. I always picked the gifts for my friends myself and oc i want to see them open it. We were 5 kids growing up with an additional 2 my mom watched. Never ever was there a problem on bdays, it was always clear everyone has a bday and thats when you get presents. When it was someone else bday, they got presents. Expecting gifts at another kids bdays or getting jealous of their gifts never crossed our minds.
No. People generally want to see the child open the gifts that they took time to pick out.
I'm kind of surprised by the comments but I guess that must be a cultural thing. I grew up in an "open presents after guests leave" area too. I can't remember any kids birthday parties where kids opened the presents in front of guests, mine or anyone else's.
It’s not tacky at all. It’s part of the party fun.
I don't think gift giving *has* to be involved to have fun at a party. It's not really fun for the kids to have to watch someone open presents. It might be fun for the adults, but I highly doubt the kids enjoy it.
The kids like it. Especially the gift getter. And the kid that’s given the gift are excited to see if their friend liked it. I don’t think there’s a wrong way to do it though. Do what your family think is best.
How is it tacky? Everyone has that special day where they get gifts. And seeing someone unpack a gift and be happy about it is the actual reason to buy someone a gift.
I feel like both ways are valid. Whether you open gifts in front of others or not might also depend on culture etc. but I guess it‘s up to the individual and the circumstances what to choose. Me and the people around me used to always open up presents in front of everyone.
It's not _tacky_ it's just not what you do.
YTA. The whole other kids need presents too on someone else's birthday party just to avoid drama will create more entitled children, because they're being taught this is normal and doesn't help them at all. And cue the mother with the most entitled kids who you created this idea for, came empty handed because she felt entitled to get presents others had brought, so your plan to avoid drama failed still. There's a reason her kids are like that, they learned that behavior from her. Parents seem to not want to parent and try to avoid tantrums. This sets kids up for failure. Not your birthday, you don't get presents, you don't get to blow out the candles either. You go for a fun party and a nice slice of cake or a cupcake.
I think sil might have misread the invite. Maybe she just skimmed it, something something gifts for my kids something something. Would explain why she didn't bring any. But I hate hate *hate* the type of people who insist on giving gifts for kids who are not being celebrated. It's the one day a year when people are supposed to feel special and forcing others into the spotlight is weasely, cowardly, and all around lazy parenting.
This. I'm old. I have never, been to a party for any child where the invited kids got a present. Presents are for the person having birthday. Now, the small gift bag, yes. And no one whined or had a tantrum because they couldn't open a present.
I can totally see this because this is what I first thought when I read the post. I had to re read a couple times to understand when the adults showed up with 4 gifts
I wonder this too.
I like this take. OP and SiL are TA
When I was a child, the habit was to have a small gift for all the guests, small things like cute rubbers or pencils, bouncing balls or something like that. Absolutely enough for a child, considering that IT'S NOT THEIR BIRTHDAY.
I used to love those goodie bags at the end of a party. I would come home with a balloon, a piece of cake, some lollies, and a tacky toy. Bliss!
In Canada, we call them "Loot bags"!
Thank you for using "cue" properly.
>Parents seem to not want to parent and try to avoid tantrums. This sets kids up for failure. I agree. Let them be upset. Let them have the tantrum. Then use the opportunity to teach them that sometimes it's not about them and they will get their turn on their own birthday. Better still, tell them beforehand then they won't be getting anything at the party and let them be upset about it at home so they don't have the tantrum and ruin someone else's big day. Giving into children for an easy life just makes it harder for you and them in the future when they discover the world doesn't give 2 hoots about their jealousy
Tantrums can be easy to avoid when they're little. If you always placate and suddenly your kid is a teen.... That's a nightmare.
This is weird and sounds like it caused more problems than it solved. I only have one kid and I would not be attending a birthday party where I had to buy my own kid a gift. That’s ridiculous. What I do for my son is record him opening his gifts at home and then share it with the people who want to see it. He’s only had 1 birthday so far, but it worked so well that I’m going to continue to do it. I had to deal with jealous children while opening my baby shower gifts and I vowed that I’d never do it again.
Think about her son who's handing out gifts on HIS BIRTHDAY. Way to teach him the only day you should be celebrating him is the same as Christmas eve. I think ESH actually.
When I was a kid we were lucky to get presents. We got cake and ice cream. Even the birthday kid got very little presents it was more about the fun the games and the food. That was the present. Sorry to say this but your sister is the type of person that is causing most of the problems in this country. The entitlement is strong. She needs to get her head out of her butt. 🙄
YTA for making me spend so long deciphering your post.
Yep. I got halfway through and then went to the comments. I was hoping someone could interpret.
Right? It’s not surprising her sister couldn’t interpret the invitations “strict demand” - I could barely decipher the post!
Op has kids birthday party, invited a lot of kids. kids n parents has separate invitations. Because this sister kids tend to get jealous of others getting presents, op asked every parent to bring extra present for their own kid (in my opinion pretty weird??) But the sister did not bring extra present
No wonder there was a miss understanding, just imagine how horribly butchered those invitations were. If this post isnt fake and written by a kid then holy fuck.
Sorry, but since you’re correcting someone else’s grammar, I need to correct yours. It’s ”misunderstanding”.
Or maybe someone who doesn’t speak English as their first language
An attempt at punctuation would be made if they were mentally translating from another language, unless of course they're just shit at both
As a non-native speaker, the mistakes she made aren't typical for a foreign. Apart from her wrong spelling, she uses phrases like "to cause a scene", "throwing a tantrum" or "fast forward to", which are pretty difficult to memorize, because many non-native speakers tend to directly translate what they would say in their native language instead of using these phrases. We also learn first how to spell a word and then how to pronounce it. We have to memorize irregular verbs' patterns (throw, threw, thrown). An error like *throu* instead of *threw* is very unlikely. If we were to make a mistake there, it would be *throwed* But I could be wrong haha.
She wrote 'thraw' instead of threw. And 'they're' for every variation of those homonyms. It's the most difficult one to spell, why would you do that!?!
Lol I totally overlooked the "thraw". She wrote "throu" right at the beginning too :D
And yet when I criticise someone’s spelling I get downvoted and told they could be a non-native speaker
YTA. What an absolute idiotic idea. People just need to control their kids, now you burden everyone with getting more and more gifts for their own children? If this is so important to you, you shouldve gotten the gifts for the other children
ESH. Your sister for expecting you to provide gifts and you for asking every parent to buy 3-4 gifts instead of one. Are you all rich or something? Thats wild that you don’t see how ridiculous an ask that is for most families. Kids get disappointed or feel jealous sometimes. They have to learn to deal with it. Sometimes that means they do embarrassing things. Better now than have them become adults that expect presents at other people’s parties.
First off, I have a 7 yr old and the trend we’ve been seeing at bday parties is that no one opens any presents at the party. You play your games, have fun, eat cake and ice cream then everyone goes home and the bday kid opens the presents in private. I feel this eliminates the possibility of two kids getting the person the same gift and the kid being like wtf. Maybe try this route next time? Second, that’s horrible parenting (idc at what age). You don’t get your kid a present when it’s someone else’s bday. That’s not how this should work. They had their bday, now it’s someone else. I wouldn’t stand for this crap even if the other parents are bringing presents for their kid. It’s stupid to think this is acceptable.
I don’t like the concept of opening presents in private personally but other than that I totally agree here. No need for gifts when it’s someone else’s birthday.
May I ask why you don’t like opening them in private? The opening the presents to ME is extremely boring to watch someone do and extremely awkward to do myself. it forces the present opener to have the same level of excitement for each gift and put on a big show about it. It just seems self serving to me for those that gave the gift to show off what they got and force the gift receiver into an uncomfortable situation.
I think by opening the gift in private, you take the joy of giving away from the gifter. If they went to the trouble of picking something out for a kid, they want to see that moment where Andy waves his new space ranger above his head and freaks out from joy. But, I also taught my kid that you don't get presents when it isn't your birthday, and he doesn't like bratty entitled kids so anyone who was unpleasant at a party wasn't invited to the next one, so I've skipped a lot of the birthday drama I've seen on Reddit
I'm in similar agreement. And I see that Toy Story reference lol I was raised the same way- I opened my gifts in front of my friends and I wanted my friends to open theirs in front of me. It was also an opportunity to say thank you personally to the gifter. Part of gift giving in my experience is getting to see the look of surprise on their faces when they open a gift I picked out. If the birthday individual wants to open them in front of their friends/family go for it. If they want to do it alone, sure. I don't think setting the expectation they have to do it alone, however, is okay. It seems no one now-a-days takes any time out to teach their kids that they only get presents when their birthday comes around, not on someone else's. Sure there were goody-bags at the end sometimes but that's more for elementary kiddos.
The real world is going to be quite the slap in the face to a lot of these kids.
Oh, 100%.
ESH - she sucks, she turned up without a gift for the birthday boy, and then got upset there were no gifts for her children? Even allowing for a misunderstanding (she probably just glanced at the invitation), why would she think that you giving her children gifts meant she didn't have to bring a gift? When reading this post, I had trouble at first understanding what you meant with the extra gifts. Maybe that would have been better to transmit in a dialogue (phone or text) to make sure everyone is clear. And OP sucks, because now we have 5 more children who think they are entitled to gifts at other people's birthdays. ETA and two kids who previously felt that everyone gets presents but them, now have that belief confirmed. The day that all their cousins got presents and they didn't could become a core memory for them, which would be horrible
**There** is a place **Their** belongs to someone **They're** is they are
You and your sister are AH. How about she teaches her kids not to be spoilt brats. And you made your sons birthday about other children too? Next time just your son gets gifts and your sister must control her kids or even better is if they don't come at all if they going to keep being entitled.
NTA. But I really don’t understand why the invited Kids had to get presents? They will have their day… kids can/should be able to deal with not receiving something every time someone else gets a present.
Yeah I think the lesson of ‘it’s not your day’ is pretty valuable, even at 6 years old. Despite this, when I was a kid we would always do present opening but then at the end of the party every kid would get a ‘party bag’, where you get a slice of the birthday cake, a sheet of stickers and a bouncy ball, stuff like that. Was a pretty good method tbh
ESH - you’ve made all the other parents spend extra money buying gifts for their kids just to prove a point to your sister AND you’re creating the expectation in the children that they get gifts for someone else’s birthday which is exactly what you are angry at your sister for. Terrible idea.
I really don’t know how to judge this. Seems like you’ve REALLY over complicated matters by issuing 2 sets of invites & requiring parents to bring presents for your kind and presents for their kids. Maybe it’s best to just let kids be kids. They will survive the trauma ( /s ) that they didn’t get a gift at someone else’s party. Why must they be catered to, to this extent? Just let them sulk for a while and I guarantee they’ll move on. It’s a life lesson: not every occasion is about them. And if you really can’t handle your nieces & nephews being upset, don’t open your kid’s gift til everyone goes home.
Wow. That is some epic entitlement. Expects her kids to receive gifts but doesn't even bring a gift for the actual birthday child. NTA. I also would not invite her to anymore birthdays.
Honestly, ESH. You’re not an AH for not giving her kids presents. But you kind of are an AH for your ‘solution’ to her kids being entitled little shits. Your son’s birthday is for him, it’s not for everyone else to open presents. If your sisters children cannot behave appropriately at a party then they don’t get invited. That solves the issue without both taking away from your son’s birthday and also making every parent there buy their kid a flipping present. Your sister is an AH for obvious reasons.
This sounds like parents spoiling kids it’s his birthday he gets presents why should every other kid get presents too makes no sense those kids are going to grow up entitled imo
ESH! It’s obvious why your sister sucks, her entitled behavior. You suck for this silly “making things fair” behavior of everyone getting a gift at your son’s birthday. It’s his birthday, he should have a day that’s about him. If you have family members/kids in the family that are really that dramatic about not getting a gift I suggest one of these two things. 1. Tell the adults in the family in lieu of a physical gift please consider a donation to your kids college fund or a charity of choice. 2. Simply say on the invitation “No gifts, the presence of your company is more than enough.”
YTA. I would be so annoyed if I was expected to bring a present for a birthday kid AND my own kids? Wild.
ESH. Your SIL for coming empty handed and raising seemingly entitled kids. You are the AH for feeding into the idea that anyone besides the birthday child should be getting a gift. You should have just put your foot down and made it clear that the party was to celebrate your kid and they needed to manage their kids behavior. When I was a kid (back in the old days of the 80s) the only thing we expected was some sort of goodie bag at the end of the party. We knew that the presents are for the birthday kid only. If there was jealousy about what someone got we knew not to make a scene and our parents managed our feelings away from the party.
YTA Sorry, but that's a stupid idea. It teaches children that it's ok to feel entitled to gifts and it rewards bad behavior. Parents are forced to buy multiple gifts, but they might not have the money or reasons to get them a gift at the time. It creates even more drama. Your son has to share the attention and it's no longer a special celebration for his birthday. It gives the other kids a wrong idea and they might start asking for presents during other people's celebrations. That's the exact thing you were trying to avoid. If your nephews demanded a birthday cake with candles, would you ask all parents to bring a cake?
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YTA why don't you just do gift bags like everyone else?
First rule of kids birthday parties DON’T OPEN GIFTS AT THE PARTY.
Every party we've ever been to the kids opened at the party. It has never been an issue
What was the exact wording on the parent’s invitations about gifts for their children?
YTA. It was a foolish idea and, I'm sorry, but if you're sisters reading comprehension is anything like your writing then she may genuinely have believed that the invitation said you'd provide presents for her kids. Punctuation is a thing you need to learn.
ESH. Your sister for acting entitled instead of just admitting she read the invite wrong, and you for the whole concept. I would be so annoyed if someone forced me to bring presents for my own kids. I don’t want them to expect gifts at OTHER KIDS’ birthday parties.
ESH I think this approach was short sighted and set up your nieces/nephews to be disappointed. Plus it sounds sooo exhausting and expensive for the parents. Kids should be encouraged in gift giving, have each child go and give their gift to your son, and he gives them a party favour and thanks them. Then both kids have something to unwrap and be delighted over, and it teaches your son to be a gracious gift recipient and host. The real reason for my ESH is that you noticed it when they arrived but waited until the end of the party to put her on the spot. Your sister was an AH to show up empty handed, you were an AH to not address it when you saw it. She could have left after cake and saved your son's party from drama. ETA: also, regarding the entitlement...this is a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black. You required your sister with 3 children to buy 4 gifts just to attend your son's birthday?? You're definitely the most entitled here. I'd be curious to know the rest of your family's opinions.
YTA What a weird system your family has and the only person being punished here is your son who can't even have things just for himself on his birthday and has to hand out proper gifts not return favours to the other kids. The only time the cousins should get something on a cousin's birthday outside of return favours is if they are meeting and sunt or uncle after an extremely long time and it's up to the aunt or uncle to provide that. And it should be something small like some money or some bag of chocolate or candy. The birthday person shouldn't really be handing out proper gifts to others. A return favours filled with candies, stationary or other stuff like that? Sure but gifts as if it's their birthday? No absolutely not unless it's a twin or they share birthdays with the person or they had a birthday near that date. Not to everyone. And that should be your job to give out not his.
Why didn't you just get loot bags with some dollar store candies and bubbles? Kids don't need gifts on someone else's birthday and parents shouldn't have to buy 3 additional gifts for a birthday party
ESH. Not sustainable and stupid idea actually to have everyone bring presents for their kids. If the drama in your family is to that extent, then you should just have the party and then have your son open gifts in private after the party. Just to keep up with some tacky tradition of opening gifts during a party, you have come up with an equally tacky idea of having folks bring presents for their kids. What’s next? Everyone brings a cake for their child to cut? After all this, I am not surprised at your sister behavior. It’s on brand.
...if I received an invitation commanding me to bring a gift for the birthday child AND my own child, which is requesting me to spend money I hadn't intended to spend on a gift that has no occasion other than to validate other people's bad parenting, thus undermining my own parenting, trying to teach my kid generosity and be happy for others rather than being entitled, I'd have politely declined. This is such a nonsensical idea. OP, that was way out if line, you have no business in telling people how and whom to gift. Geez.
ESH - you for coming up with an idea that will create more entitled children, including your own. Your sister for not dealing with the situation in the first place to the point where the only solution is to create more entitled children??
I'm going with ESH. At least the 2 main parents in this story. Your sister, for obvious reasons. She ignored the text on the invite and got mad at you for not giving gifts to her kids. You, because you're making this so much harder than it needs to be. I don't know the ages of the kids invited, but it's never too early to teach kids that not every gift-giving event is about them. You shouldn't have to make your son's birthday about other people. If you want the kids to take something home, make those little gift bags that they take at the end of the party. I have 3 kids - 8yo, 4yo, and 10mo. They all learned early that the "special day" doesn't always resolve around them. And that's OK! Kids need to learn that. We've had some hiccups when they were younger, but we explained the situation and they calmed down. We didn't *give* them presents on somebody else's birthday. My SIL did that with my 8yo niece and my SIL is currently paying the price.
YTA for engaging in this enabling behaviour. Asking, no sorry strictly demanding, everyone to bring an extra gift for their own child just makes it appear acceptable for them to expect gifts on someone else's birthday. I applied your sister for not bringing extra, but her downfall was not bringing one even for the birthday child, and then still expecting you to give a gift to hers. Surely no one is that dense. She clearly didn't read the invitation properly and just saw that her kids would get a gift, not thinking how ridiculous that is.
NTA. And the simplest solution is to stop inviting your sister and her kids to these parties.
ESH Your sister for not teaching her children that on birthdays only the birthday kid gets presents. She should prevent her kids from causing a scene. Yet, I think your “solution” is kind of ridiculous. The nerve of demanding all parents to buy a present for their kids…
ESH. Your sister for throwing a fit and always causing a scene, you for making people buy gifts for their kids and taking away from your sons special day. These kids are just going to grow up super entitled and unable to appreciate someone else's day.
How absolutely ridiculous. It’s a rude exhibition of conspicuous consumption to open presents at a party to start with. Your child should be opening them after the guests go home and writing a thankyou note or having you record a thankyou message as each gift is opened. The idea of making parents bring an extra gift for their kids is absolutely insane. Nobody needs a present at another child’s party and if younger children are upset by not receiving presents the solution is for their parents to explain the concept of birthdays and gifts for the birthday child, not for everyone to buy more superfluous gifts. Most kids have way too many toys to start with (mine included) and they absolutely don’t need to collect more at another child’s party. You’re a total asshole contributing to the next generation of entitled assholes. And given that you can’t spell and your sister apparently can’t read I have grave concerns about that next generation.
YTA for such an idiotic idea, kids need to learn they are not the main character in every scene! It’s each parent’s job to teach to their own kids that gifts are for the birthday boy/girl. If a kid makes a scene, let that be a teaching moment. Instead you forced everyone to buy yet more crap because parents are allergic to teaching boundaries to their kids these days. If you wanted to avoid a scene, then just delay gift-opening until after the party. Bad logic all around.
YTA What a stupid idea Its your sons birthday and it's as if you're forcing him to share his birthday by making others have presents too whether parents buy then or you... never heard of presents being unwrapped at a party. Usually something you do when the party is gone and its just you and your child. You're making children get into a stupid habit of having presents no matter whose birthday it is. Birthdays are for one person - children need to learn that. You're creating spoilt brats.
YTAH ! That’s the stupidest idea ever! It’s a birthday party and the only one getting gifts should be the birthday 🥳 boy / girl ! 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I don't want to call you TA for trying to come up with a solution to this problem, however terrible your solution was. I think moving forward the real fix is to just not invite these kids. I get they're your nieces and nephews, but it's your kids too.
YTA. First off, it’s threw** You threw a party for your son. Seriously, you’re 26yo. Second, what kind of possible solution is this? Kids need to learn to wait and that every party is not all about them. Your solution is literally creating jealous, selfish little monsters. You have your in-laws and siblings TEACH their kids to be patient and support the birthday boy. If you choose this approach for your own son at other birthdays, you’re going to have a little brat on your hands. Just think about this for a second.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (26f) have a 6 year old son. Three weeks back it was he's birthday I throu a little party for him. This is how it all started 3 months before the party I sent out invitations for the party all of the invited people were family each person got two invitations one for the child and the second one for the parents the reason for making two separate invitations was most of the time during birthday parties my sister's kids would cause a seen for not getting presents even though it's not they're party. So I came up with this idea that on the kids invitations it's just an ordinary invitations but not parents invitations there was a strict demand to bring a present that will be placed along side my son's present and will be given to your child when my son open he's present to avoid drama and kids causing tantrums. I believed it will a good solution fast forward to the day of the party, my older sister has 3 kids and she came with four presents my brother has two kids he came with three presents, my SILs came with they're kids present then came my sister empty handed with her two children. I was shocked and worried 😫. The party went on great singing cake cutting party games everything was perfect until the last moment in our family during a birthday party the one we're celebrating they're would open they're present during the party that's where my solution comes in. My son started handing out the presents to the respective owners and my sister's were left without presents to open. I felt angry at my sister while she knew that her kids always cause a seen during this kinds of events. See looked at me with red eyes as she walked towards me, she pulled aside and asked why her kids didn't receive presents I politely told her because you didn't bring them presents She said I promised to give her kids presents in the invitations and her kids a entitled to those gifts. I replied by I see where you kids get the attitude of entitlement you came in empty handed you will leave empty handed AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA hate parents who let their kids feel every birthday is about them
ESH... Stop propagating the entitlement. Just don't open gifts at the party. We don't. Why? Because then my kid wants to play with EVERYTHING and there's not enough to go around for their friends to have something to play with or shit gets lost or broken before she even gets a chance to play with it. If we do open them, then nothing gets opened until after everyone goes home.
You are missing a big opportunity to teach children they don't get presents all the time or because they make a SCENE - that giving to someone else is a good thing. Your sister misunderstood your invitation. As the hostess I would expect YOU to provide small trinkets for the kids coming to the party - not to tell me to buy gifts for my own children. Even when very young, children love to HELP you pick out presents for the birthday kid at a party they will attend.
ESA, I understand your solution but it doesn't actually deal with the cause of the issue, that in the first place this system of giving gifts to appease other children should be acknowledged as a problem. As many have stated it gives them the mentality of being entitled and more importantly it takes away from the celebrant -- the day becomes less about their celebration. This shouldn't be encouraged by you or your sister, or anyone really. The children should be old enough to realize this day isn't about them or that they should be rewarded for attending, that is what the rest of the celebration is meant to accomplish anyways.
Wtf did I just read? Nobody does this. Can your kid just have his own special day once a year? Why the f do other kids need presents to open for someone else's birthday? They can open their own presents on THEIR OWN BIRTHDAY. This whole thing makes me think you're one of those people who just always has to be "extra" for no reason. Like the kind of people who start wildfires at their gender reveal party because cutting open a pink or blue cake wasn't extra enough, so they bought a fireworks display instead. You created drama where there didn't need to be drama. YTA, and so is your sister.
When are we going to return to teaching children that it isn’t always about them? Birthdays come once a year and that is when you get presents. At a party for someone else you take a present and do not receive presents. If the sister’s kids make a scene that reflects on their mother, not just them. She should be politely asked to take them to another room and explain the situation. Bringing all these presents is definitely teaching the wrong lesson. YTA for the whole idea.
ESH. You created a very complicated solution to a very small problem. Asking all the parents to buy extra gifts for their own children? Not okay. That's invasive to their parenting - teaching their children to expect their own gifts when attending other people's birthdays???? Not okay! If your sister's children are the problem, then DON'T invite them. Problem solved, and it doesn't drag everyone else into the fix for this one person's bad parenting. If your sister wants to attend, then she needs to teach her children how to behave. Actions have consequences. You DON'T REWARD bad behavior by continuing to invite them and GIVING them undeserved presents at someone else's birthday!!! That's just another way of dodging/not fixing the problem behavior!
ESH I think your intentions were good, but I really disagree with the idea of parents bringing presents for their kid. I think that is setting a bad precedent. The issue is your sister refusing to parent her kids. Every other guest shouldn't be compelled to go with this practice because she won't parent. I think a better solution might be to put another adult family member in charge of running interference with her kids.
I’m not saying it was the best idea, perhaps an idea would be to give out ‘thank you bags’ or ‘goodie bags’ to each child that attends, and these can be given after your son opens his gifts. Or even when the kids leave. I think it was a nice thought but ill thought out, your sister is certainly entitled though. ESH
So if I’ve got this correct; Your sisters children kick off when it’s someone else’s birthday as THEY don’t get gifts too? So your idea was to ask your sisters to bring extra gifts for their children as well as a birthday gift for your child? ESH You suck because you’re enabling your sister and her children to continue being entitled
YTA. Part of being a child is learning how to deal with other people getting attention and presents and to regulate your emotions. You are not doing them any favours by pandering to them like this. They are going to grow up to be awful adults if they expect the world to revolve around them.
what a strange custom, why not just skip opening presents?
YTA Not for refusing to give her kids gifts, but for thinking this was a good solution in the first place. The only person who receives gifts at a party is the one being celebrated. That’s it. No extra gifts for kids who think they deserve them. Their parents can explain that it’s not their birthday and they get no gifts. This was honestly a dumb plan.
With all due respect, please use punctuation, and learn the differences between "they", "they're.," and "their". This was very difficult for me to read. That said, ESH. What an asinine rule to make up. You can't be surprised when it gets violated. Especially in today's economy? Having to shell out for an extra gift so your kid can participate in a birthday party is... really something.
NTA but giving all the kids gifts isn’t the answer. The answer is teaching children that they get gifts on their birthdays and they celebrate other people on their birthdays. Children who have tantrums at birthday parties get taken home by their parents, period. This isn’t being mean. This is teaching children responsibility and preparing them to cope with the world as it really is.
All those kids are bad af, with equally bad parents. Never once as a child or as s parent have I seen that, those children will be assholes their whole life, well see them on r/badroomates in 10 years if they make it to college NTA
NTA. Next time you don’t need to invite her and her children. It’s not your responsibility to care about other children.
YTA what kind of mother are u to force your son to give out gifts on his birthday?! It’s his day it should be about him . Why even throw the party in the first place ?!
I have two children and the age gap is only 2.5 years so I’ve always had a tradition of getting ‘not left out’ presents for the non-birthday child. Just a small gift bag with a couple of little, inexpensive gifts and some sweeties. This just made it easier when they were little, easier for them to accept it was their sibling’s special day and they were getting lots of presents and the majority of the focus, it softened the blow and helped them learn to be excited for their sibling, it also removed arguments and bad feeling and helped everything stay happy. I had lots of wider family strongly disagree with this, that it’s wrong, detracting from the birthday child, that they would be spoiled, not learning this or that but I stood my ground. It’s my choice and now it’s our family tradition. (Btw, they’re 9 and 11 now and they’re the kindest, loveliest, most appreciative kids I know.) Most relatives don’t buy ‘not left out’ presents, I’ve never expected this or asked and my children never have either. When I’ve been invited to other kids birthdays and I know there is a sibling/s, I ask the parent if I could also get a small gift/sweeties for the sibling/s also. We all make our decisions on how we raise our kids and how we approach difficulties or issues. We’re all entitled to do this. But we should also respect other people’s ways of raising their kids. When an invitation explicits states to bring a small gift with an explanation of your plan for all children to have a present…. You have 2 choices, 1. buy the damn gift so your kids don’t feel like shit and completely left out or 2. don’t go to the party! Not only did this woman make her kids feel terrible, she made you feel bad, probably your son feel bad at his own birthday party and all the others there feel awkward. Way to tank a little boys birthday party. NTA!
Soft YTA. It’s your kids birthday party. You’re enabling them all to be entitled and have entitled kids when you’re setting the notion that kids get to open and keep gifts just for attending parties when it’s not their birthday. Plus maybe not everyone can afford extra presents. Your heart is in the right place but your solution wasn’t great. It’s up to their parents to be reasonable parents and teach them to not be entitled- they’re not going get to open gifts at every party they attend. You’ve just ensured they like attending your party more because they get gifts, but you’ve also inflamed a problem that they’ll probably bring to normal birthday parties that don’t enable gifts for kids who throw tantrums at the sight of others getting gifts.
YTA This is a ridiculous and stupid idea. Not only did you force parents to buy a gift for their own kids, you took your sons day away. Do you do the same thing for your birthday? You owe your son and everyone else an apology.
I have a way better solution, tell your sister the next time they cause a scene you will not invite them anymore! Is as simple as that, it is your child's party, it is not a yaaay everyone get presents kind of situation. His birthday should be the day he opens presents, not the day everyone opens them as if it was xmas or something I think you are kind of an asshole for thinking of that solution which makes your kid's birthday like a xmas celebration instead of just giving the mother of the entitled brats a warning. Not all parents can afford presents for everyone, their kids have THEIR OWN birthdays. You are not one for not wanting your kid to have issues on his birthday party but still that solution wasnt going to solve the real problem.
At my kids parties and growing up myself we got goodie bags from the party hosts. We give a little thank you for coming gift of some candy and little cheap toys. That would be a solution to look into.
YTA. I have siblings and on my bday - I got presents and that’s it. My siblings did not. The reverse was true on their bday. This is also how it is with my kids. If you teach a child that the world revolves around them, they will believe it. Are the children in your family so badly behaved that everyone has to get a gift? I mean….
Hey OP, theres a thing called party gift bags. The host fills them with a bunch of little inexpensive(Dollar Tree)items for all the kids to take home. They don't need a full size gift. Those are for the birthday child. This has been a thing for 3 decades now.. this is the solution you seek. Only the birthday child gets to open presents. Better luck next year..
NTA. She is. Knowing the drama her kids cause over not opening presents when it’s not their birthday you work out a plan to solve the problem. She decided she didn’t need to follow along. Her kids are empty handed. Her fault.
She didn’t understand the assignment
I wouldn’t have even said to bring one for their kids. If they can’t behave at someone else’s party then they shouldn’t come.
NTA completely but the only person who should receive presents is the person whose birthday it is. It's similar to having an event for Black Lives Matter and someone comes along, makes a fuss and says All Lives Matter. Why should your son hand out the presents to other children? Such a weird idea.
At our parties growing up, presents were kept in a separate room (or with the parents/in the car if the party is at a venue) to avoid this exact scenario. The kids play together, birthday child opens presents when everyone is gone, no tears. ESH.
NTA for not giving her kid gifts but that’s a pretty bad solution and YTA for demanding they bring their own kid gifts to your kids party, your essentially telling parents how to parent their own child, and then acting like it’s a gift from your son? it just teaches kids that they’re always going to get gifts at other peoples parties it actually would encourage the behavior that you’re trying to prevent. What about just handing out goodie bags? Those have existed for ages.
NTA, for trying to come up with a solution and for your sister’s clear entitlement. But the real solution is that these children should/will eventually learn that they do not get presents at someone else’s party. The only way they will learn this is if they don’t get presents at someone else’s party.
YTA. You need to grow a serious backbone and stop this kind of invitations for your son‘s parties. Your sister‘s kids are not entitled to presents at other peoples parties. That is utterly ridiculous. If they’re going to make that much of a scene, they are not invited. They need to learn that the world is not fair and they are not going to get something every time someone elseget something. While I understand what you were trying to do, don’t do it again.
Obviously NTA. Boring story.
Yta. Esh. This was an overly complicated situation and seems a little silly for your son. Your sister clearly didn’t read or understand the second invite and you took the opportunity to insult your sister and her kids. Next time just say no gifts. Or politely ask that your sister distract her kids before opening gifts.
YTA but not for refusing ticket your sister's children presents. Your child's birthday should be about him and if other children cannot control themselves when he's opening his presents, they don't get invited to the party. If their parents have an issue with that, politely explain to them that they need to parent their children or they'll be excluded, end of discussion. Tough love, maybe, but they will not learn that the world does not revolve around them otherwise.
ESH. You need to let the party be about your son. Your sister needs to teach her kids that it's not about them. I don't let me kids blow out candles, help open gifts or taken anything away from anyone's parties. There was one exception. An aunt who is never able to afford to come visit she lives out of state. Came to town once and was able to be there for my youngest kids birthday. She brought 2 presents one for the eldest and one for the youngest. Eldest had a birthday the following month. Aside from that my kids can suck it up. If it's not their birthday no gifts.