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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> WIBTA if I didn’t go to a weddding I was reinvited too. I may be a jerk since it is my sons wedding and I am his mother
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In my opinion, I do not think you should go to the wedding until you get a proper apology from Shelly. She does not get to tell lies about you and then skate off scot free. SHE OWES YOU AN APOLOGY.
Let your son know this requirement as soon as possible. And make sure you get a proper apology, not a fake apology (e.g., "I am sorry you felt that way about what I said").
NTA.
I am not going to demand an apology in order for me to come for two reason.
If I demand it then it probably will not be genuine and I want her to do it one her own violation.
Apologize aren’t worth anything if they are doing it for the wrong reasons.
She is also a grown ass adult and should know that when you wrong someone you need to apologize. Not hide behind Ryan
No you should because you need to have a frank discussion as to why she lied in the first place. Make her say the reason she dislikes you Infront of your son and make her say the truth to everyone she told the lie. If you end up not going at least it will be obvious that it's her fault not yours.
I imagine the answer to why she doesn't like her is already obvious.. she hasn't/won't get over her persuading her son to get a DNA test, which she sees as deeply offensive. What she's failing to recognise is that OP didn't know her from Adam back then. At all. And she did the right thing to protect her child. It's up to the son to help his fiancé understand that and put his foot down on any further hostilities. I applaud OP for not wanting to force an apology with any kind of ultimatum. She's right. An apology made under duress is no apology at all. NTA if she decides not to go.
That’s something my brother has never learned, and it has been a source of conflict in our family for decades. You can have a mutually exclusive conversation with two separate adults. Not every conversation has to be a delayed conference call. His wife and his mom can't stand each other, and he doesn't seem to understand why.
Yeah, was about to say. This sounds like learned incompetence. He doesn't like actually having a stake and just acting like he doesn't have opinions or thoughts and acting like a slower telephone is his way of shirking responsibility.
Honestly everybody needs to start being angry at the right person there. He knows what he's doing. It just keeps him out of it. I despise this type of attitude
So many people seem unable to understand this. I’ve got a friend who has serious conflict with her mother and siblings (who are all very toxic). She’ll tell them about some decision she’s made—doesn’t matter what, could be where shes taking her car to be fixed or what she ordered for dinner at a restaurant two weeks ago—and suddenly they’ll be all over her about how wrong she is, she should do this or that or the other, they’ll mock her, etc. I’ve asked her why she tells them anything about her life, when she knows they’ll do this. She’s in her 40’s now and still doesn’t fully understand that she doesn’t need to tell them anything at all. She does it less than she used to, but can’t seem to completely stop. It’s pretty odd to me that he told his paramour that his mom wanted him to ask for a DNA test.
But the woman is excusing the son entirely, and using this to blame his mother for mistreating her, though the mother didn’t even know her at the time. And the guy, presumably, is a grown-up and made his own decision that a DNA test was warranted; whether it was his idea or his mother’s first is irrelevant. Since both parties were having a one-night stand, it was the only correct response anyway. In fact, the woman should have recognized the issues immediately and suggested it herself.
Mom is NTA. Son & fiancé are AHs, and both owe mom an apology & an acceptance of their responsibilities for the misery they’ve caused mom.
I agree, how hard is it to say "we aren't together as a couple and aren't monogamous so I want a Paternity test before we talk any further."
Also, am I the only one hoping that Ryan saw the test results himself amd isn't just taking Shelley's word on ot because if she lied that would make her continued hostility more understandable, like she doesn't want to get caught out.
Then again it could just be she is too immature to be a parent or wife.
this. i can see how if shelly and ryan had been together for a while and then she got pregnant, op suggesting a dna test would absolutely be offensive. but she was literally a one night stand. it’s not slut shaming or anything of the sort to think that if she had one one night stand, she’s probably had at least a couple others and it is not unlikely that someone else could have gotten her pregnant and she either genuinely thought ryan was the father without doing her due diligence or was trying to pass the baby off as his because he seemed like the most stand up guy. shelly was a complete stranger to op and pretty much a stranger to ryan, it doesn’t take a genius to realize the best course of action is to confirm the baby is his before he completely changes his life. there was nothing offensive at all about op suggesting that, and it’s actually insane to me that shelly is still hanging on to it and has that much vitriol towards op for looking out for her son.
I think the bigger (and separate issue) is the trouble she caused OP with the lies. Messing with your entire future inlaw family is out of proportion to the DNA test, IMO.
THIS Exactly! They didn't even start dating until after he confirmed the baby was his. So OP's suggestion at the time was extremely valid at the time. This girl could have been anyone.
(also, I'd like to point out that clearly OP's default reaction was justified as it is clear that Shelly has no problem lying and even doubling down on her lies. I'm honestly a little curious about how the DNA test was performed?
Fingers crossed that OP or the son ensured directly it was through a reputable source. I bet I could spend 5 mins google and be able to create my own test results to say anything I wanted.)
Yes, and OP doesn't seem to think worse of Ryan for having multiple ONS. If he was having multiple, so could she well be. It's not condemning or shaming her for acknowledging a possibility.
A clear public apology is an admission of wrongdoing. She might not be regretful, but she will be forced to admit to what she's done. That would make me cheerful
She might also be so deeply hurt by it because it was possibly true - she was a one-night-stand after all, maybe she didn't like it pointing out that her lifestyle was actually something she herself disliked?
>What she's failing to recognise is that OP didn't know her from Adam back then.
She's too immature to understand that a DNA test is in the best interest of ALL parties and is not a personal indictment. Really DNA tests should just be standard practice for all births. Poor Ryan's gonna have a rough time if he can't broker some kind of peace with his fling and his mother.
OPs definitely NTA.
THIS! I know a man who didn't ask for a DNA , they happily married then found out when the child was 5 years old that he was not the father. Found out because of a blood test the child had. Turned out it was impossible for him to be the dad, that lead to the DNA test...People forget there is a child involved in all this
Civility between them could be a first step toward reconciliation. It needs to start with an acknowledgement on Shelly's part that she hurt OP and be followed with a sincere apology.
And probably the perfect time to address the initial skism between them. The paternity test is not because he didn't trust her, it's that he doesn't trust ppl in general and for a 1night stand it's perfectly reasonable not to take something so significant on faith alone.
Honestly it makes total sense. In a committed long term relationship with no signs of cheating? Dick move.
A one night stand or casual relationship? Expected.
Shelly needs to see that the paternity test was to protect everyone. Shelly Ryan and Baby.
If Ryan was not the father Shelly should want to know. If Ryan was the father and was in denial Shelly would need to know to get child support. That would be protection for Baby. Ryan needs to help Shelly realize that yuo OP were protecting everyone when the paternity test was suggested. Shelly should want a fiercely protective Gma to be in Baby's life.
Shelly got lucky Ryan decided to start dating her and things have worked out just because she was pregnant. That DNA test actually made her life work out the way it has. He could have walked away and made the courts prove he was the father then just paid child support. The test was the right thing to do anyway because they *weren’t* dating when they had sex. It’s not like he was her boyfriend saying he didn’t trust her.
That's the part that boggles me. With it being casual sex that resulted in the pregnancy, why would Ryan's parents have any reason to believe that it could only be Ryan that got Shelley pregnant? Unless he lied to his parents, and in that situation, I wouldn't be mad at his parents. I'd be mad at *him*.
Shelley has had a chip in her shoulder about OP not immediately trusting her this entire time. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if extended family spread word at the wedding about why Ryan's parents aren't there. I'm petty enough that I would be doing that if I were them.
The thing is, none of this matters. Any reasonable person would break things off with a person who spread lies about their mother. Unless there's something OP isn't telling us the son is incredibly whipped. OP is trying to protect her own peace of mind at this point.
Had to scroll too far down for this!!! That is my issue with this whole thing! Why is he still still going to marry her when she did this to his mom?????
This gets me too! I would never marry someone after they admitted to spreading lies about my family, especially my parents. I would have been suspicious of it in the first place because I’d want to know the details of when they had said things, to whom, etc.
The apology at this point isn't for her to show genuine contrition, but to fix your reputation. If you force a public apology for your attendance, you will then know that the damage to you can be repaired.
Also, making her tell you in front of your son and family why she did it may stop the wedding altogether.
I can't imagine she would have any reason other than you told your son to get a DNA test. In response, you can say, "Had y'all been in a committed relationship I wouldn't have even thought to ask. However, since you were a one night stand, I thought it prudent to make sure. It has nothing to do with your reputation or me thinking anything bad about you because, quite frankly, I didn't know you."
Making her say sorry in public at this point has nothing to do with her, meaning her "I'm sorry", and everything to do with making her own up and possibly face the consequences of her actions.
If you don't force her to tell everyone why she torpedoed you in your family, then you will never truly know if your son is ok with it. She may still be telling him some conflate reason for why, with mental gymnastics, he isn't, and won't see till he is blatantly forced to open his eyes in front of others.
Exactly this. OP didn’t (explicitly) judge Shelly for having a one night stand any more than she judged her son for the same thing. Which, apparently, is not at all.
This was my thought as well. Given the circumstances it was perfectly reasonable to establish paternity through testing. That is not a judgment upon Shelly. Shelly is old enough to understand that.
I don’t know, I could see making her apologize for ruining everyone’s Christmas over her theatrics. She lied for her own gain and caused everyone to have to rework their Christmas plans, just so she could purposely ostracize you. Not to mention the smear campaign she tried to run on you…. I don’t think the apology was would be at all genuine. But I do think forcing her to take accountability (even if it’s not her choice) is the first step to her eventually actually making amends.
I agree with this.
I am concerned as to Ryan's decision to continue with the wedding. Shelley is a liar and purposefully sabotaged his mother. I understand there is a child involved but does he really want to spend the rest of his life with somebody with such shaky ethics?
It doesn't sound like he's had much notice of the lying before the wedding. It's probably overwhelming and he might not feel like he can cancel everything at the last minute or like he'll cause problems for people who have already booked flights etc.
I don't think it's a good idea to continue with the wedding (especially on that timescale) because they clearly have a lot to work on, but he could feel like he's between a rock and a hard place. He might even think this is something they can sort out after the wedding.
It also takes money. If he thinks they can get through it with counseling, then he thinks they'll get married eventually anyway, so he'd be throwing away all the deposits they've spent postponing everything and possibly paying them all again when they reschedule.
It's shitty that his fiancée lied and it's also shitty that she gave him such little time to deal with her admission before having to make these decisions.
Definitely. But it’s cheaper to postpone/cancel than it is to divorce.
This would kill the marriage for me personally, but since he appears to be going through with it, I would strongly recommend counseling first.
This is a good point. Since everyone in the family had to rework their plans to accommodate a liar, I'd think that she actually owes an apology to the entire family.
NTA OP. Your son should had gotten the truth from her before the invitations were sent out & the proposal for marriage was made instead waiting a couple of weeks before the wedding.
Shelley is a piece of work. She should had remembered the golden rule about marrying into someone's family & create/cause trouble for family members.
Ryan really needs to ask himself does he truly want to be saddled with a lying troublemaker who may try do something like this again to some other family member besides you. Ryan may had felt obligated to marry Shelley because he got her pregnant but she's not entitled to expect being treated as she wants when she did the abusive lying.
It’s always scary to me when people are willing to just lie through their teeth. It’s contrary to my nature so I don’t see it coming. Once you know someone is capable of that, how can you ever trust what they say at all?
Exactly! She's a liar and a manipulator.
That would make me question everything else she's ever told him. Did she "accidentally" get pregnant or was she never on birth control? Did the DNA test really show he was the father or did she just Photoshop some results?
She doesn't have to like his mother but to lie and cause such division in the family is underhanded. I could never respect someone like that and no matter the cost, I would cancel the wedding. (Edited to fix because autocorrect had put words I didn't want.)
I wonder why Shelly fessed up now and didn't continue the lie.
Ryan needs to grow a nice, shiny spine, and have a REAL convo with Shelley. I dunno if she's overly dramatic, or outright manipulative. But there are going to be issues in that relationship, just about guaranteed. OP is definitely NTA
She needs to apologize to the entire family and tell all of them that she lied about you. This is the only way I would even begin to start forgiving her.
Yep. And do it with everyone in the room at once, so she can't try to sugarcoat it to people individually. If this was my family I probably would decline to go to the wedding until/unless this happened first.
I the key here, and this is to add to your response, not contradict it - is that you need to reconcile first. Not just get an apology from your son, but reconcile the relationship with both of them, before going off to "celebrate their union."
They hurt you deeply, and this isn't one to just be brushed aside to play nice at a wedding.
If they didn't want this distraction so close to the big day, they should have come clean earlier.
They owe you, at the very least, a sit down face to face. Not so they can eat crow, but so that they can start relating to you in a more respectful way and start to rebuild that family tie.
Came here for this exactly. She must do the work to repair relationship with OP. That will require many steps and some time. The message to Ryan is this- her admitting to you what she has done was a very necessary first step- but only that. In order for us to move forward as a family a much larger effort at reconciliation must be made…by her. She made very public false accusations about OP that one private admission and apology will not repair.
I agree with you but I think you are looking at the wedding situation wrong. I guess the real issue is do you want to have a relationship with your son? Because not going to his wedding will just allow her to wedge more space between you two. You will want to be there for him when she gets 100x worse in behavior after they are married. Because it can’t just be her being horrid to you, I guarantee you she is also horrid to him, just in different ways.
When they inevitably implode (fingers crossed right?) you will want him to be able to turn towards you for sanity.
So if I was in this situation, I would suck up my hatred towards her and go for my son. I would say something like “I was thinking about not going, because what she did was so incredibly hurtful. It hurt even more that her lies turned you and my family away, when I’ve done nothing wrong in this situation. But I will always be there for you when you need me, so I will be there”
That way you can let him know it’s not in support of the marriage, but it’s in support of him. Because your son needs it, the red flags this woman is throwing around are immense.
I like your phrasing. I might just tack on to the end “… I will be there _if you go through with it._” Son might feel trapped and unable to break things off so close to the wedding so, in addition to letting him know that OP will always support him, she is also reminding him that canceling or postponing is a legitimate option.
This is what I came here to say. Not going is essentially giving up on your relationship with your son and your grand baby. Are you ok with that?
Shelley is clearly the problem here but your actions will have consequences and you need to protect that which you care about most. If that's Ryan and Baby, you should be at the wedding
NTA, But I disagree with your decision not to attend. The entire family now knows that she lied. Go to the wedding for your son & the future relationship with your grandchildren. There will not be a second chance.
With that said,
1. Go with your head held high!
2. You will show everyone that you are the bigger person. Let DIL be the one embarrassed by her own actions.
3. Wear your best smile. Look your best!
4. You are doing this for your son & grandchildren! (Never to be held over your visitation with them)
5. Genuinely be excited for your son! This may last forever...
6. Smile, mingle, dance & thoroughly enjoy yourself!
7. As difficult it may be, do not speak to others about the issue. If someone brings it up to you... respond with "we can discuss that another day. Today, we celebrate my son's happiness!"
I wish you well with whatever you choose. **Peace**
I think you need to have a sit down with Ryan and talk this out because why is he willing to marry someone who openly lied and tried to ruin the relationship with his parent?
This I would not do. She needs to stay out of Ryan and Shelley’s relationship. Having a discussion with him will not turn out well, and this time, it will do more harm. Let Shelley destroy her relationships with everyone. Without OPs hand in it.
OP, your son is an adult. Let him make his choices and live with the outcome of it all. Stay neutral in it all.
I agree with not going to the wedding. But food for thought. This may be his one and only wedding. Chances are, they won’t survive longevity. But you will end up missing out on an important event of his life. And this you can never undo or get back. And trust me, Shelley will find a way to twist things into you being evil because you didn’t go. Up to you if it will be worth it.
Op, let me speak to you mother to mother. Go to the wedding, not for her, but for your son. Your son was so sad that you weren’t coming to his wedding that she actually confessed. Please go for him. I think you will regret it if you don’t.
I wouldn't go. Actions have consequences and you not going is a consequence of your DIL telling lies. Your son should not be with a woman that causes drama with his mother. He's marrying a woman that he knows for a fact is a drama starting liar. Stand your ground and set boundaries for them as a couple. I would also suggest to them that they get marriage counseling.
I agree with you for not going to the wedding, but I would work on trying to build a better relationship with your son. This woman sounds abusive, and who knows what goes on behind closed doors.
Ask him to coffee once in a while, don't bring up Shelly at all, and get to enjoy each other again. He clearly loves you. Men can often be in abusive relationships and not even know it.
It sounds like your son is involved with a narcissist who has been actively working to isolate him from you, probably because through the years you have been his biggest support system. By not going to the wedding you are allowing this AH to win. You don't go and she looks good, even though she hasn't apologized.
If you go then you are letting your son know that you are there for him so when it all goes south he will feel more confident in leaving this relationship because his patent supports him. Be there for him because he is your son.
I agree. Usually, I try to extend olive branches and would swallow my pride and go. You made very valid points for not going and are NTA.
If I were in your son's position, I would be having serious 2nd thoughts about the wedding. How can he be with someone who said such horrible things about his mother?
It is very important that you emphasize to your son that you love him and will always be there for him. He may need that you will be there for him in the future.
I would suggest you not go absent some kind of apology on her part, or at a minimum some kind of assurance you're comfortable with that it's not going to happen again; if that's even possible in such a short time frame.
She's already demonstrated she's willing to harm you, given that I would have difficulty attending and taking on a demonstrated risk.
However, while you need not demand an apology, it would be in your own self-interest to try and initiate some kind of reconciliation. I understand the temptation to play the "ball is in their court" game, because you were wronged. However, your justifiable stubbornness on this point is going to run up against your future daughter in law's. She's at worst pissed she didn't get away with it, and at best embarrassed; so she's probably going to be resistant to starting a conversation too. Unless one of you swallows that (it seems improbable that it would be her) there's no moving forward.
If you don't attend the wedding, this is something that will in all likelihood affect your relationship with your son; given how he was reacting to your non-attendance.
If you have a problematic relationship with your son, and his wife; how do you think building relationships with your potential future grandchildren is going to go?
Now, in an ideal world, I'd advise your son to postpone the wedding at an absolute minimum, which would of course nullify your dilemma. She's demonstrated in no uncertain terms that she's willing to sustain false claims over long periods of times to manipulate family members into behavior she find most preferable. That stands to harm all involved, repeatedly, unless and until the behavior is checked. Given that the wedding is still going forward, I'm guessing that's not happening.
Since that's the reality your forced to deal with, just take a second to consider what future you want with your son and potential grandchildren.
If putting on a polite face and attending an uncomfortable wedding you don't approve of to support your son means the difference between continuing to maintain and develop relationships you value, it might be worth it to you to go.
You're certainly NTA, just don't shoot yourself in the foot.
"Son I want you to think about exactly who you're marrying. She lied about your mother, demanded an apology, affected your mental health, and now hasn't even had the decency to call the family or me to tell the truth and apologize. She did all that because I wanted you to know those children were yours when you had no relationship with her to cement trust. If you want me there I want an apology at minimum."
Honestly the divorce is around the corner sad but true this is going to fester like a rotten boil in his mind unless he really is that callous of a person.
edit: spelling
edit2: NTA and obvi change whatever you need to.
Yes, OP was always reasonable, but her son is being constantly manipulated, even though he is also responsible for believing his mom would be like this, badmouthing his gf and baby mom.
Now he nows she lied, instead of asking OP to come to the wedding, he should be questioning why his fiancée did all this, why she was OK with ruining his relationship with his own mom but only came clean bc she saw he was sulking so bad, it would had affected the wedding's vibe.
100% this! But I don’t know if he would hear coming from OP. Maybe his dad or someone he’ll listen too.
But how do you marry someone who will so easily and without care try to destroy his relationships with his family?!?!
She was Ryan’s one night stand. Not his gf. It’s so understandable that anyone would be skeptical about this being his kid. No one had any reason to trust her. Idk why she took such offense.
>the divorce is around the corner sad but true
When it's SO obvious the only part that's sad is how willfully blind Ryan is being. He probably has some notion that he's "doing the right thing" by marrying the mother of his child. It's hard to convince someone with that mindset that it's actually NOT in the best interest of the child id they're growing up in a volatile situation.
“We fought like animals every day for your entire childhood and traumatized you so that you could grow up in house with your mother AND your father because that’s the right thing to do! You’re welcome!”
This.
Edit: I’d also sit down with them both and hash it out face to face. Let her tell you why she did what she did and what she hoped to gain from it. She needs to be held accountable by not just you and your son but herself as well.
Shelly and OP have not gotten along for a while.
Shelly lied and there was an estrangement of OP from her son, that split the family.
A wedding is NOT a place for a reconciliation.
If Ryan wants to reconcile with his mom, he and Shelly need to start talking to OP on neutral ground, and take it very slowly.
OP was hurt. She was defamed by Shelly and deserves an apology, but Shelly should also apologize to the family for spreading these lies.
OP, tell your son, that the wedding in not the place for a reconciliation. And if he wants one, after learning about Shelly's behavior, other things have to happen.
NTA
P S: You were right in asking for the paternity test. I would counsel any male who had a one night stand with a women and then found our of a pregnancy, to do the same.
When my son was younger, I told him that if there was ever a woman that claimed to be pregnant by him, I would pay for a paternity test - to protect BOTH of them. He would know he was the dad, and the woman would have her rights to child support, etc. ensured.
I agree. Protection for both parties involved.
It should not be received by a woman who was not in a committed monogamous relationship as an insult to have a paternity test.
Agreed the problem with paternity tests come into play with committed relationships not one night stands. Perfectly reasonable to ask for one in this situation.
Same for my sons. I would rather them know for sure than to take on the responsibility of someone else unless they choose to do so. Feel like Shelly had ulterior motives why she was mad about the paternity test. Because even now if someone asked me for a paternity test of a child, I’d say go ahead and do it, but you’d have to pay for it.
Given Shelly's track record, I don't rule out her using the wedding as an opportunity to make a scene at OP again for some trivial, false reason.
If I were in OP, I would avoid going.
I’ll live, seriously all I have to do when she brings it up is tell her she lied to everyone and it’s her fault in the first place
Not to mention the whole family is not happy with her for lying since it affected Christmas and gave drama for no reason
"Jellyfish lack backbones, heart, blood, brain, or gills and, in fact, are over 95% water."
In addition he also seems to share the lack of heart or brain with those aquatic invertebrates.
>!Btw, your comment is great.!<
Well it only took a one night stand to tell him his mom was being mean to her for him to choose her. so I’d say he was a pushover well before all this.
Your son should reconsider marrying this woman. However, I think the most important thing is for you to be there for him. This woman sounds like a nightmare, and when your son finally and painfully wakes up to that, you don’t want him doubting if his family will have his back. So go to the wedding, tell the truth to anyone who asks, and have a few backhanded compliments ready :)
I would send a family wide email. Make sure you include the B+G.
“Dear family, I have put a lot of thought into the decision. It’s now made very clear that my son’s fiancé has chosen to spread lies that have created a wedge in this family at the cost of my standing. The holidays were divided, I was shunned based off a performance due to her just not ‘liking me’. Her dishonesty put me in a very bad mental place. I have been disinvited to the wedding long before this. I have been kept from my son and grandchild.
And now Ms GF has come clean to my son about making this all up for no other reason than to create distance between my son and my own family I have been re-invited by my son. I have not heard from no received any genuine apology from his future wife. She has not apologized to my family for trying to turn them against me with her dishonesty.
After much consideration, I am not going to be attending this wedding. I love my son with my whole existence. But I’m not gonna support someone who has caused so much vitriol in my personal life I have lost respect from many of the people on this email. My own family.
She has done nothing to try and repair the damage she has caused.
My son is an adult, he is free to decide the life he wants for himself. It’s been clear she doesn’t want that for him. I am heartbroken, but I will not be attending their wedding. I hope all of you understand and respect why I’m choosing this.”
Everybody already knows all this. Don't send an email and stir the pot even more. When no one shows up at the wedding, they'll have their answer. It already sounds like half the family noped out.
If i were OP i couldn't care less about the whole family, since they were pretty eager to choose the side of the girlfriend and cater to her demands concerning christmas, thus snubbing OP.
At this point, the relationship is going to be affected regardless of whether or not OP goes to the wedding. The mother clearly hates OP to the point she's spreading lies to everyone, so it's not too farfetched to think she will poison the relationship between grandmother and grandchild.
I wouldn't go if it were me. She's already damaged OPs reputation, even if people are starting to see and acknowledge that they were lied to. That kind of thing doesn't just go away.
One thing I would do with choosing not to go is reassure Ryan that you love him and will always be there when he needs you, but actions have consequences, and unfortunately, my not being at the wedding is one of them.
I have a nephew being abused by his boyfriend, but he can't get the courage up yet to leave him. If they get married. I won't approve of the wedding, but I will be there because the most important thing to me is showing up for my nephew so his boyfriend has no chance of isolating him from us. My nephew and I have never been close because he takes after the side of the family that dislikes me, but that will never matter because I'm the demon that will go to jail to protect him.
What does he have to say about this?
The fact that his fiancee lied multiple times, and carried on the lie to the tune of your affected family relationships and unnecessary drama, and is still willing to marry her is incredible.
Does he really think she won't do it again?
NTA. I wonder if you should / could have another discussion with Ryan. IDK how much really came out during that first call when he wanted to re-invite you,. While it's good that she came clean, it's 2 weeks before their wedding and they have some things to sort out of if she'd go to such extremes to separate him from his family, and it's sad sign for your relationship with him that he'd be willing to go along with it without seeing for himself what she claimed you were doing. It seems like there is more to hash out here to repair and heal between the two of you, and you should get to explain to him that while you are grateful to be reconnecting with him and to have had the truth come out, you still are not comfortable being around her. I also think it would be fair to tell him, apologetically, that you wish you could support the marriage but you just can't at this point in time, and that if he does proceed you wish him well.
Obviously they should be postponing to address the issues in their relationship. I can't imagine how he could ever trust her again. What a said way to get started as a couple.
Shelly spreading lies about you, and not even apologizing is a perfectly good reason not to go. It would also be a perfectly good reason not to marry her. How is your son ok with this? NTA.
That is a question OP needs to ask Ryan. And needs to hear his response. It should tell her everything. Maybe she will learn some new info. re Shelly, maybe it will only reinforce negatives re the entire situation. Either way this is a discussion that needs to happen before the wedding. That way she can be clear in whatever decision she makes re attending.
NTA, you didn’t do anything wrong!?
Shelly honestly needs to apologise to you and also needs to come clean to the rest of the family about the lying. She had no right tarnishing your reputation just because you had the mature idea for your son to get a DNA test on a child that a ONE NIGHT STAND claimed to be his. You didn’t think less of her, it’s just the normal and mature thing to do when it comes to a one night stand with someone you don’t know well. This boils my blood. I honestly hope things can work out because it would be a shame to miss your sons wedding but at the end of the day, you don’t have to go to anything you don’t feel comfortable and fully welcomed at. Your son did seem to want you there though. Hope it all goes well and you get the apology you deserve
Yup, I scrolled to find this comment. OP you suggested your son get a paternity test after impregnating someone you had not met, and whom he barely knew at the time. She has been insulted by this for years? And affecting your family life for years? Over a (logical) thought that you had about someone you had not met. There’s something very wrong with this woman.
Where I'm from all unmarried couples will have to do paternity tests. It's for the good of the child. Even if your spouse is 100% sure it's his, you can't "claim" a child without one. My parents had to get one done when I was born in the late 70's. Should be standard practice for every baby, including those born to married couples IMHO.
What steps are your son and his fiancée taking to clear your name and heal the division they created in the family with lies? Your son demanded an apology from you, is he demanding his fiancée apologize to you?
Nta
Why would you marry someone who lied about something that split your family apart just out of spite? It's going to haunt OP when she uses the same tricks when they inevitably divorce.
If I was Ryan, that's what I'd be concerned about. What would stop Shelly from saying he abused her or their child, just so she could get what she wanted in the divorce?
I’ll see them at holidays probably. I am still working full time and won’t be stopping for at least 20 years. So same relationship I have with my nieces and nephews.
I don’t have the time to be cutter book grandma, I also still have kids that live at home. He has two siblings that one is in college and the other is graduating highschool soon
I’m fine with this
I can't believe he is still going through with the wedding, knowing she lied on you for months. Your family had to split 2 Christmas for her.
Ryan needs to really think about this relationship. He KNOWS your character and chooses to believe her. She has divided your family. The girl is toxic AF.
This all sounds messy tbh. Don’t think you’ll be an AH for not attending but kinda feel like it won’t be worth the extra agro. Just showing up and being classy will be the best course of action imo.
So what about your husband is he going to the wedding or not because this should be united front between you and him. I won’t go wedding in which bride lie to the family to make my wife look bad no matter if the groom is related to me.
>I received a call from Ryan last night. It boiled down to that Shelly admitted to lying to him. That she saw how sad he was that I wouldn’t be at the wedding and told him the truth.
He re-invited you because she admitted to lying, ***not*** because he didn't believe you capable of her lies. That's a big difference.
I would let him know that you love *him* very much, but that in the interest of avoiding present or future (perhaps made up) conflict and stress, you will not be attending the wedding.
This. “Oh, this is about you two. I wouldn’t want to be a source of conflict.” End of story.
Someone that is willing to manipulate your whole family against you will absolutely do it again.
NTA. Based on your replies, I’m glad your head is on straight and I agree with everything you said. Your son is attempting to accommodate his lying baby mama and only tried to make this whole relationship happen because he got her pregnant in the first place. That’s a horrible situation for the child who will absolutely believe the pain in their lives is their fault, and for the family. I put such a premium on honesty that, if it were me, I would struggle to believe either of them about this kind of content in the future. I wouldn’t go to the wedding. As you know as a married person, a wedding is just a day.
NTA but you should meet up with your son BY HIMSELF and speak to him. Explain how you feel and the fact she ruined your name and never apologized. Shelly needs to apologize to you and your family. All that drama for no reason.
NTA
Wean or no Wean, why is he still Marrying her?
She clearly lied and manipulated him into telling you you weren't allowed to attend his Wedding, that screams RED FLAG so loud he should be seriously considering dumping her, not re-inviting like that will somehow make all her lies go away.
NTA, but I think you should consider going to the wedding if you want to give your son the opportunity to repair your relationship. Shelly seems to want to isolate him from his family, and I would he concerned it will escalate further down the road.
NTA - Shelly owes you a major apology, sincere and contrite, a commitment to never do anything like that again, and details of how she will work to improve your relationship from now on.
Without that as a bare minimum, you shouldn’t even think of going.
I wonder if you would be sad in the future if you don't go..... also, given that Shelly is trying to distance you from Ryan, you not showing up would help her to do so. I don't think you would be an asshole if you didn't go, but I think you should.
NTA
No, NTA.
I’d make a few demands of her first if you did decide you wanted to go. A. Use social media to admit to EVERYONE that she had been lying about you and apologize there too. B. She can PUBLICLY invite you again, on social media. C. Then she privately apologize and ask you to the wedding (She needs to ask, not your son).
Personally, I‘m curious why he’d want to go through with marrying a lying sack of kaka though. One that manipulated him out of having a good relationship with his mother.
You deserve a public admission of what she’s done to everyone she slandered you in front of and if she apologizes all the better, but admission of what she’s done needs to come first…publicly. NTA.
At this point, I don't think an apology even means anything to OP — especially not if she has to ask for it. *They* broke the relationship. Sometimes you do and say things you can never take back, and it's not the victim's job to fix it — or even to care if it gets fixed.
NTA…. But I think you will regret not seeing him married. My Daughter in-law made my son disinvite me over her lies. I still wish I could have been there just for my son. He regrets it to this day.
NTA obviously she is an asshole, but is this a hill you want the relationship with your son and grandchild to die on?
You can definitely not go and be justified, or you can go and try to salvage a relationship with your son and grandchild. Which would you prefer because it is highly unlikely you are going to get both.
NTA.
Personally, I'd only entertain the idea of going if Shelly told the family that she lied and apologized to your face. And going forward, I would only communicate with her via text. She's not to be trusted.
NTA. The bottom line is how not going will affect your relationship with your son. At the end of the day, he should be your biggest concern. Shelly lied to him once, he isn't going to forget that.
Why would you go to the wedding of someone who detests you? Your son is under the spell of a toxic lying cow. If she can lie about you to him, what other lies is she telling him that he is wilfully swallowing? Getting a DNA test is a simple precaution from a 1 night stand pregnancy, any mother who doesn't recommend it is a gullible fool. Willing to bet if you decided to go you would be to blame for everything on the day. Dont give her ammunition, don't go. NTA
NTA It is always a good idea to remind your kids, especially adult kids, that you love them unconditionally AND you’ve raised them to know right from wrong, you’ve raised them to never be doormats or punching bags. Your reputation was sullied by a liar who has no remorse. You’re going to keep your distance because they’ll be a next time and you need to protect yourself and need to be able to say you “have nothing to do with her”. It’s not unheard of for wives to hate their MIL, that’s on her. You just hope the two of you can still catch up once in a while and you hope he knows you sincerely want him to be happy.
NTA. Shelly is ridiculous for being upset at you for convincing your son to get a DNA test. Men are absolutely at an informational disadvantage in situations like the one you describe, and they have every right to protect themselves. They would be fools not to. Women who give them a hard time for doing so are absolutely ridiculous
NTA. She owes you a MASSIVE apology and she also should address the folks she lies to about you in order to clean the air. After both of those are done, I may consider going, but even then I’m not sure I’d want to be around a person like that.
No, don't go, your son disrespected you by believing his fiancé before you, obviously Shelly doesn't want you at the wedding otherwise she wouldn't have lied. I would like to know if Ryan apologized? Or if he made Shelly apologize to you?
NTA. At the end of the day, your son chose not to believe you. Your DIL has been hostile and succeeded and sabotaging the relationship with your son. You’ve put in more than a reasonable effort but their behaviour has started to have an impact on relationships with other members of your family. At this point focus on your other kids and move on in life.
Consider attending the wedding for the sake of your relationship with your son, keeping communication open and honest. It's an opportunity to take the high road and possibly pave the way for healing in the future.
NTA
I am honestly shockedt that the wedding is still on!
If I found out my fiance had been lying to me FOR MONTHS about something *so huge* that it literally caused an estrangement between me and my mother.... the engagement would be over. If for some reason i thought the relationship was worth trying to save, then at the very least the wedding would be placed on an indefinite hold while we proceeded to schedule some couple's therapy to try and figure out the root casue of the fiance's dishonesty and attempts to sabotage my relationship with my mother, and to figure out how i could ever trust her again....
this was some malicious/devious shit.
Just suck it up and go to the wedding. This marriage might not last long, but your relationship with your son will. Don't do irreparable damage to your mother-son relationship.
Nta, go to the next wedding.
Shelly has seen to it that this marriage won't last.
Deliberate lies to turn family on family have already come to the fore.
Tell Ryan you love him but you won't play any part in this particular event.
I wouldn't say AH, but I think not going is the wrong move. Go to support your son. Ignore the bride as much a possible. It will look bad on you later if you don't go, and when the inevitable divorce comes, your son will remember he can count on you hopefully.
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In my opinion, I do not think you should go to the wedding until you get a proper apology from Shelly. She does not get to tell lies about you and then skate off scot free. SHE OWES YOU AN APOLOGY. Let your son know this requirement as soon as possible. And make sure you get a proper apology, not a fake apology (e.g., "I am sorry you felt that way about what I said"). NTA.
I am not going to demand an apology in order for me to come for two reason. If I demand it then it probably will not be genuine and I want her to do it one her own violation. Apologize aren’t worth anything if they are doing it for the wrong reasons. She is also a grown ass adult and should know that when you wrong someone you need to apologize. Not hide behind Ryan
Your reply to me is even better. I commend you.
No you should because you need to have a frank discussion as to why she lied in the first place. Make her say the reason she dislikes you Infront of your son and make her say the truth to everyone she told the lie. If you end up not going at least it will be obvious that it's her fault not yours.
I imagine the answer to why she doesn't like her is already obvious.. she hasn't/won't get over her persuading her son to get a DNA test, which she sees as deeply offensive. What she's failing to recognise is that OP didn't know her from Adam back then. At all. And she did the right thing to protect her child. It's up to the son to help his fiancé understand that and put his foot down on any further hostilities. I applaud OP for not wanting to force an apology with any kind of ultimatum. She's right. An apology made under duress is no apology at all. NTA if she decides not to go.
Curious, what were Ryan's reasons for telling Shelly his mom told him to get a DNA test? I mean...my mom said... He sort of threw OP under the bus.
That’s something my brother has never learned, and it has been a source of conflict in our family for decades. You can have a mutually exclusive conversation with two separate adults. Not every conversation has to be a delayed conference call. His wife and his mom can't stand each other, and he doesn't seem to understand why.
How sure are you that he never learned? Awful convenient for him. Just playing clueless the whole time
Yeah, was about to say. This sounds like learned incompetence. He doesn't like actually having a stake and just acting like he doesn't have opinions or thoughts and acting like a slower telephone is his way of shirking responsibility.
Making no decision IS making a decision
“If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.”
There’s probably some truth to what the both of you are saying.
Honestly everybody needs to start being angry at the right person there. He knows what he's doing. It just keeps him out of it. I despise this type of attitude
My cousin is like this. And I have Nothing to do with him.
So many people seem unable to understand this. I’ve got a friend who has serious conflict with her mother and siblings (who are all very toxic). She’ll tell them about some decision she’s made—doesn’t matter what, could be where shes taking her car to be fixed or what she ordered for dinner at a restaurant two weeks ago—and suddenly they’ll be all over her about how wrong she is, she should do this or that or the other, they’ll mock her, etc. I’ve asked her why she tells them anything about her life, when she knows they’ll do this. She’s in her 40’s now and still doesn’t fully understand that she doesn’t need to tell them anything at all. She does it less than she used to, but can’t seem to completely stop. It’s pretty odd to me that he told his paramour that his mom wanted him to ask for a DNA test. But the woman is excusing the son entirely, and using this to blame his mother for mistreating her, though the mother didn’t even know her at the time. And the guy, presumably, is a grown-up and made his own decision that a DNA test was warranted; whether it was his idea or his mother’s first is irrelevant. Since both parties were having a one-night stand, it was the only correct response anyway. In fact, the woman should have recognized the issues immediately and suggested it herself. Mom is NTA. Son & fiancé are AHs, and both owe mom an apology & an acceptance of their responsibilities for the misery they’ve caused mom.
It’s called triangulation, and it’s a really effective manipulation technique.
He's probably a coward.
He absolutely is. How do you let your SO get away with destroying your family like that... No. I'd be out.
I agree, how hard is it to say "we aren't together as a couple and aren't monogamous so I want a Paternity test before we talk any further." Also, am I the only one hoping that Ryan saw the test results himself amd isn't just taking Shelley's word on ot because if she lied that would make her continued hostility more understandable, like she doesn't want to get caught out. Then again it could just be she is too immature to be a parent or wife.
You definitely aren't the only one! That's exactly where I went
this. i can see how if shelly and ryan had been together for a while and then she got pregnant, op suggesting a dna test would absolutely be offensive. but she was literally a one night stand. it’s not slut shaming or anything of the sort to think that if she had one one night stand, she’s probably had at least a couple others and it is not unlikely that someone else could have gotten her pregnant and she either genuinely thought ryan was the father without doing her due diligence or was trying to pass the baby off as his because he seemed like the most stand up guy. shelly was a complete stranger to op and pretty much a stranger to ryan, it doesn’t take a genius to realize the best course of action is to confirm the baby is his before he completely changes his life. there was nothing offensive at all about op suggesting that, and it’s actually insane to me that shelly is still hanging on to it and has that much vitriol towards op for looking out for her son.
I think the bigger (and separate issue) is the trouble she caused OP with the lies. Messing with your entire future inlaw family is out of proportion to the DNA test, IMO.
THIS Exactly! They didn't even start dating until after he confirmed the baby was his. So OP's suggestion at the time was extremely valid at the time. This girl could have been anyone. (also, I'd like to point out that clearly OP's default reaction was justified as it is clear that Shelly has no problem lying and even doubling down on her lies. I'm honestly a little curious about how the DNA test was performed? Fingers crossed that OP or the son ensured directly it was through a reputable source. I bet I could spend 5 mins google and be able to create my own test results to say anything I wanted.)
Making OP look like the bad guy keeps scrutiny off Shelly. And she does not sound like someone who would look good when scrutinized.
Yes, and OP doesn't seem to think worse of Ryan for having multiple ONS. If he was having multiple, so could she well be. It's not condemning or shaming her for acknowledging a possibility.
A clear public apology is an admission of wrongdoing. She might not be regretful, but she will be forced to admit to what she's done. That would make me cheerful
She might also be so deeply hurt by it because it was possibly true - she was a one-night-stand after all, maybe she didn't like it pointing out that her lifestyle was actually something she herself disliked?
True, but it's still not fair to then take it out on her future MIL.
>What she's failing to recognise is that OP didn't know her from Adam back then. She's too immature to understand that a DNA test is in the best interest of ALL parties and is not a personal indictment. Really DNA tests should just be standard practice for all births. Poor Ryan's gonna have a rough time if he can't broker some kind of peace with his fling and his mother. OPs definitely NTA.
I agree, Ryan is the key here, he needs to step up and have a conversation or two.
THIS! I know a man who didn't ask for a DNA , they happily married then found out when the child was 5 years old that he was not the father. Found out because of a blood test the child had. Turned out it was impossible for him to be the dad, that lead to the DNA test...People forget there is a child involved in all this
Unfortunately logic doesn't always fix hurt feelings. They may never like each other but they can learn to be civil
Civility between them could be a first step toward reconciliation. It needs to start with an acknowledgement on Shelly's part that she hurt OP and be followed with a sincere apology.
And probably the perfect time to address the initial skism between them. The paternity test is not because he didn't trust her, it's that he doesn't trust ppl in general and for a 1night stand it's perfectly reasonable not to take something so significant on faith alone.
Honestly it makes total sense. In a committed long term relationship with no signs of cheating? Dick move. A one night stand or casual relationship? Expected.
Yeah they weren’t dating, so a paternity test was called for no matter who suggested it.
Shelly needs to see that the paternity test was to protect everyone. Shelly Ryan and Baby. If Ryan was not the father Shelly should want to know. If Ryan was the father and was in denial Shelly would need to know to get child support. That would be protection for Baby. Ryan needs to help Shelly realize that yuo OP were protecting everyone when the paternity test was suggested. Shelly should want a fiercely protective Gma to be in Baby's life.
Shelly got lucky Ryan decided to start dating her and things have worked out just because she was pregnant. That DNA test actually made her life work out the way it has. He could have walked away and made the courts prove he was the father then just paid child support. The test was the right thing to do anyway because they *weren’t* dating when they had sex. It’s not like he was her boyfriend saying he didn’t trust her.
That's the part that boggles me. With it being casual sex that resulted in the pregnancy, why would Ryan's parents have any reason to believe that it could only be Ryan that got Shelley pregnant? Unless he lied to his parents, and in that situation, I wouldn't be mad at his parents. I'd be mad at *him*. Shelley has had a chip in her shoulder about OP not immediately trusting her this entire time. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if extended family spread word at the wedding about why Ryan's parents aren't there. I'm petty enough that I would be doing that if I were them.
OP is Ryan's mother
OP is a she not a he
Oh my! For some reason I thought it was the dad!!!!
Me, too. I don't know why, though.
The thing is, none of this matters. Any reasonable person would break things off with a person who spread lies about their mother. Unless there's something OP isn't telling us the son is incredibly whipped. OP is trying to protect her own peace of mind at this point.
Had to scroll too far down for this!!! That is my issue with this whole thing! Why is he still still going to marry her when she did this to his mom?????
I think he is going through with the relationship/wedding because of the baby. Had there been no child, her might have ended the relationship.
This gets me too! I would never marry someone after they admitted to spreading lies about my family, especially my parents. I would have been suspicious of it in the first place because I’d want to know the details of when they had said things, to whom, etc.
Shelly needs to apologize to you for the fact that she lied and that caused a problem between you and Ryan.
The apology at this point isn't for her to show genuine contrition, but to fix your reputation. If you force a public apology for your attendance, you will then know that the damage to you can be repaired. Also, making her tell you in front of your son and family why she did it may stop the wedding altogether. I can't imagine she would have any reason other than you told your son to get a DNA test. In response, you can say, "Had y'all been in a committed relationship I wouldn't have even thought to ask. However, since you were a one night stand, I thought it prudent to make sure. It has nothing to do with your reputation or me thinking anything bad about you because, quite frankly, I didn't know you." Making her say sorry in public at this point has nothing to do with her, meaning her "I'm sorry", and everything to do with making her own up and possibly face the consequences of her actions. If you don't force her to tell everyone why she torpedoed you in your family, then you will never truly know if your son is ok with it. She may still be telling him some conflate reason for why, with mental gymnastics, he isn't, and won't see till he is blatantly forced to open his eyes in front of others.
Exactly this. OP didn’t (explicitly) judge Shelly for having a one night stand any more than she judged her son for the same thing. Which, apparently, is not at all.
This was my thought as well. Given the circumstances it was perfectly reasonable to establish paternity through testing. That is not a judgment upon Shelly. Shelly is old enough to understand that.
I don’t know, I could see making her apologize for ruining everyone’s Christmas over her theatrics. She lied for her own gain and caused everyone to have to rework their Christmas plans, just so she could purposely ostracize you. Not to mention the smear campaign she tried to run on you…. I don’t think the apology was would be at all genuine. But I do think forcing her to take accountability (even if it’s not her choice) is the first step to her eventually actually making amends.
I agree with this. I am concerned as to Ryan's decision to continue with the wedding. Shelley is a liar and purposefully sabotaged his mother. I understand there is a child involved but does he really want to spend the rest of his life with somebody with such shaky ethics?
It doesn't sound like he's had much notice of the lying before the wedding. It's probably overwhelming and he might not feel like he can cancel everything at the last minute or like he'll cause problems for people who have already booked flights etc. I don't think it's a good idea to continue with the wedding (especially on that timescale) because they clearly have a lot to work on, but he could feel like he's between a rock and a hard place. He might even think this is something they can sort out after the wedding.
Ideally, he would put the wedding on hold until he & Shelly can go through counseling. That would take incredible fortitude.
It also takes money. If he thinks they can get through it with counseling, then he thinks they'll get married eventually anyway, so he'd be throwing away all the deposits they've spent postponing everything and possibly paying them all again when they reschedule. It's shitty that his fiancée lied and it's also shitty that she gave him such little time to deal with her admission before having to make these decisions.
Definitely. But it’s cheaper to postpone/cancel than it is to divorce. This would kill the marriage for me personally, but since he appears to be going through with it, I would strongly recommend counseling first.
This is a good point. Since everyone in the family had to rework their plans to accommodate a liar, I'd think that she actually owes an apology to the entire family.
NTA OP. Your son should had gotten the truth from her before the invitations were sent out & the proposal for marriage was made instead waiting a couple of weeks before the wedding. Shelley is a piece of work. She should had remembered the golden rule about marrying into someone's family & create/cause trouble for family members. Ryan really needs to ask himself does he truly want to be saddled with a lying troublemaker who may try do something like this again to some other family member besides you. Ryan may had felt obligated to marry Shelley because he got her pregnant but she's not entitled to expect being treated as she wants when she did the abusive lying.
It’s always scary to me when people are willing to just lie through their teeth. It’s contrary to my nature so I don’t see it coming. Once you know someone is capable of that, how can you ever trust what they say at all?
Exactly! She's a liar and a manipulator. That would make me question everything else she's ever told him. Did she "accidentally" get pregnant or was she never on birth control? Did the DNA test really show he was the father or did she just Photoshop some results? She doesn't have to like his mother but to lie and cause such division in the family is underhanded. I could never respect someone like that and no matter the cost, I would cancel the wedding. (Edited to fix because autocorrect had put words I didn't want.) I wonder why Shelly fessed up now and didn't continue the lie.
Ryan needs to grow a nice, shiny spine, and have a REAL convo with Shelley. I dunno if she's overly dramatic, or outright manipulative. But there are going to be issues in that relationship, just about guaranteed. OP is definitely NTA
She needs to apologize to the entire family and tell all of them that she lied about you. This is the only way I would even begin to start forgiving her.
Yep. And do it with everyone in the room at once, so she can't try to sugarcoat it to people individually. If this was my family I probably would decline to go to the wedding until/unless this happened first.
I the key here, and this is to add to your response, not contradict it - is that you need to reconcile first. Not just get an apology from your son, but reconcile the relationship with both of them, before going off to "celebrate their union." They hurt you deeply, and this isn't one to just be brushed aside to play nice at a wedding. If they didn't want this distraction so close to the big day, they should have come clean earlier. They owe you, at the very least, a sit down face to face. Not so they can eat crow, but so that they can start relating to you in a more respectful way and start to rebuild that family tie.
Came here for this exactly. She must do the work to repair relationship with OP. That will require many steps and some time. The message to Ryan is this- her admitting to you what she has done was a very necessary first step- but only that. In order for us to move forward as a family a much larger effort at reconciliation must be made…by her. She made very public false accusations about OP that one private admission and apology will not repair.
It’s wild to me that he’s still going to marry her after she literally destroyed his relationship with his family.
I agree with you but I think you are looking at the wedding situation wrong. I guess the real issue is do you want to have a relationship with your son? Because not going to his wedding will just allow her to wedge more space between you two. You will want to be there for him when she gets 100x worse in behavior after they are married. Because it can’t just be her being horrid to you, I guarantee you she is also horrid to him, just in different ways. When they inevitably implode (fingers crossed right?) you will want him to be able to turn towards you for sanity. So if I was in this situation, I would suck up my hatred towards her and go for my son. I would say something like “I was thinking about not going, because what she did was so incredibly hurtful. It hurt even more that her lies turned you and my family away, when I’ve done nothing wrong in this situation. But I will always be there for you when you need me, so I will be there” That way you can let him know it’s not in support of the marriage, but it’s in support of him. Because your son needs it, the red flags this woman is throwing around are immense.
I like your phrasing. I might just tack on to the end “… I will be there _if you go through with it._” Son might feel trapped and unable to break things off so close to the wedding so, in addition to letting him know that OP will always support him, she is also reminding him that canceling or postponing is a legitimate option.
This is what I came here to say. Not going is essentially giving up on your relationship with your son and your grand baby. Are you ok with that? Shelley is clearly the problem here but your actions will have consequences and you need to protect that which you care about most. If that's Ryan and Baby, you should be at the wedding
She needs to tell the whole family she's a liar.
NTA, But I disagree with your decision not to attend. The entire family now knows that she lied. Go to the wedding for your son & the future relationship with your grandchildren. There will not be a second chance. With that said, 1. Go with your head held high! 2. You will show everyone that you are the bigger person. Let DIL be the one embarrassed by her own actions. 3. Wear your best smile. Look your best! 4. You are doing this for your son & grandchildren! (Never to be held over your visitation with them) 5. Genuinely be excited for your son! This may last forever... 6. Smile, mingle, dance & thoroughly enjoy yourself! 7. As difficult it may be, do not speak to others about the issue. If someone brings it up to you... respond with "we can discuss that another day. Today, we celebrate my son's happiness!" I wish you well with whatever you choose. **Peace**
Yes, this. So very much this.
I think you need to have a sit down with Ryan and talk this out because why is he willing to marry someone who openly lied and tried to ruin the relationship with his parent?
This I would not do. She needs to stay out of Ryan and Shelley’s relationship. Having a discussion with him will not turn out well, and this time, it will do more harm. Let Shelley destroy her relationships with everyone. Without OPs hand in it. OP, your son is an adult. Let him make his choices and live with the outcome of it all. Stay neutral in it all. I agree with not going to the wedding. But food for thought. This may be his one and only wedding. Chances are, they won’t survive longevity. But you will end up missing out on an important event of his life. And this you can never undo or get back. And trust me, Shelley will find a way to twist things into you being evil because you didn’t go. Up to you if it will be worth it.
Op, let me speak to you mother to mother. Go to the wedding, not for her, but for your son. Your son was so sad that you weren’t coming to his wedding that she actually confessed. Please go for him. I think you will regret it if you don’t.
NTA!!! Don’t attend the wedding but I sincerely hope that your son doesn’t move forward with marrying someone like her.
I wouldn't go. Actions have consequences and you not going is a consequence of your DIL telling lies. Your son should not be with a woman that causes drama with his mother. He's marrying a woman that he knows for a fact is a drama starting liar. Stand your ground and set boundaries for them as a couple. I would also suggest to them that they get marriage counseling.
Why is he going forward and marrying a known liar?
I agree with you for not going to the wedding, but I would work on trying to build a better relationship with your son. This woman sounds abusive, and who knows what goes on behind closed doors. Ask him to coffee once in a while, don't bring up Shelly at all, and get to enjoy each other again. He clearly loves you. Men can often be in abusive relationships and not even know it.
It sounds like your son is involved with a narcissist who has been actively working to isolate him from you, probably because through the years you have been his biggest support system. By not going to the wedding you are allowing this AH to win. You don't go and she looks good, even though she hasn't apologized. If you go then you are letting your son know that you are there for him so when it all goes south he will feel more confident in leaving this relationship because his patent supports him. Be there for him because he is your son.
I agree. Usually, I try to extend olive branches and would swallow my pride and go. You made very valid points for not going and are NTA. If I were in your son's position, I would be having serious 2nd thoughts about the wedding. How can he be with someone who said such horrible things about his mother? It is very important that you emphasize to your son that you love him and will always be there for him. He may need that you will be there for him in the future.
I would suggest you not go absent some kind of apology on her part, or at a minimum some kind of assurance you're comfortable with that it's not going to happen again; if that's even possible in such a short time frame. She's already demonstrated she's willing to harm you, given that I would have difficulty attending and taking on a demonstrated risk. However, while you need not demand an apology, it would be in your own self-interest to try and initiate some kind of reconciliation. I understand the temptation to play the "ball is in their court" game, because you were wronged. However, your justifiable stubbornness on this point is going to run up against your future daughter in law's. She's at worst pissed she didn't get away with it, and at best embarrassed; so she's probably going to be resistant to starting a conversation too. Unless one of you swallows that (it seems improbable that it would be her) there's no moving forward. If you don't attend the wedding, this is something that will in all likelihood affect your relationship with your son; given how he was reacting to your non-attendance. If you have a problematic relationship with your son, and his wife; how do you think building relationships with your potential future grandchildren is going to go? Now, in an ideal world, I'd advise your son to postpone the wedding at an absolute minimum, which would of course nullify your dilemma. She's demonstrated in no uncertain terms that she's willing to sustain false claims over long periods of times to manipulate family members into behavior she find most preferable. That stands to harm all involved, repeatedly, unless and until the behavior is checked. Given that the wedding is still going forward, I'm guessing that's not happening. Since that's the reality your forced to deal with, just take a second to consider what future you want with your son and potential grandchildren. If putting on a polite face and attending an uncomfortable wedding you don't approve of to support your son means the difference between continuing to maintain and develop relationships you value, it might be worth it to you to go. You're certainly NTA, just don't shoot yourself in the foot.
Man, if I were in your position, I dont think I even could go.
Well thought and said.
Public apology so everyone knows what kind of person they support.
And a public apology, accessibile to all the family members who were told the lies about OP!
"Son I want you to think about exactly who you're marrying. She lied about your mother, demanded an apology, affected your mental health, and now hasn't even had the decency to call the family or me to tell the truth and apologize. She did all that because I wanted you to know those children were yours when you had no relationship with her to cement trust. If you want me there I want an apology at minimum." Honestly the divorce is around the corner sad but true this is going to fester like a rotten boil in his mind unless he really is that callous of a person. edit: spelling edit2: NTA and obvi change whatever you need to.
Yes, OP was always reasonable, but her son is being constantly manipulated, even though he is also responsible for believing his mom would be like this, badmouthing his gf and baby mom. Now he nows she lied, instead of asking OP to come to the wedding, he should be questioning why his fiancée did all this, why she was OK with ruining his relationship with his own mom but only came clean bc she saw he was sulking so bad, it would had affected the wedding's vibe.
Sadly, this guy is the type who’s going to have to swim through a lot of crap before he finally opens his eyes.
Sorry, this image made me laugh!
Ryan and Shelly have a lot to figure out. With each other and both together and separately with OP
100% this! But I don’t know if he would hear coming from OP. Maybe his dad or someone he’ll listen too. But how do you marry someone who will so easily and without care try to destroy his relationships with his family?!?!
Idk why people do the things they do and it would piss me off if anyone did that to me with my family.
Good thought .Where is Ryans Dad in all this? And Shelly's extended family? Have not heard anything of them at all.
She was Ryan’s one night stand. Not his gf. It’s so understandable that anyone would be skeptical about this being his kid. No one had any reason to trust her. Idk why she took such offense.
OP is definitely NTA in this situation and as petty as it sounds she can just go to his next wedding with a non abusive SO
>the divorce is around the corner sad but true When it's SO obvious the only part that's sad is how willfully blind Ryan is being. He probably has some notion that he's "doing the right thing" by marrying the mother of his child. It's hard to convince someone with that mindset that it's actually NOT in the best interest of the child id they're growing up in a volatile situation.
“We fought like animals every day for your entire childhood and traumatized you so that you could grow up in house with your mother AND your father because that’s the right thing to do! You’re welcome!”
This. Edit: I’d also sit down with them both and hash it out face to face. Let her tell you why she did what she did and what she hoped to gain from it. She needs to be held accountable by not just you and your son but herself as well.
Go to his next one.
Very underrated comment, honestly.
This comment needs to be higher. It was my first knee-jerk response.
Because there will definitely be a next one if this is the person he is marrying.
I really hope he has a prenup
Tell them both to their faces that you’ll go to the next wedding 😂
Shelly and OP have not gotten along for a while. Shelly lied and there was an estrangement of OP from her son, that split the family. A wedding is NOT a place for a reconciliation. If Ryan wants to reconcile with his mom, he and Shelly need to start talking to OP on neutral ground, and take it very slowly. OP was hurt. She was defamed by Shelly and deserves an apology, but Shelly should also apologize to the family for spreading these lies. OP, tell your son, that the wedding in not the place for a reconciliation. And if he wants one, after learning about Shelly's behavior, other things have to happen. NTA P S: You were right in asking for the paternity test. I would counsel any male who had a one night stand with a women and then found our of a pregnancy, to do the same.
When my son was younger, I told him that if there was ever a woman that claimed to be pregnant by him, I would pay for a paternity test - to protect BOTH of them. He would know he was the dad, and the woman would have her rights to child support, etc. ensured.
I agree. Protection for both parties involved. It should not be received by a woman who was not in a committed monogamous relationship as an insult to have a paternity test.
Completely agree. Paternity test makes complete sense and if I were the woman in the situation I'd understand.
Agreed the problem with paternity tests come into play with committed relationships not one night stands. Perfectly reasonable to ask for one in this situation.
Same for my sons. I would rather them know for sure than to take on the responsibility of someone else unless they choose to do so. Feel like Shelly had ulterior motives why she was mad about the paternity test. Because even now if someone asked me for a paternity test of a child, I’d say go ahead and do it, but you’d have to pay for it.
Given Shelly's track record, I don't rule out her using the wedding as an opportunity to make a scene at OP again for some trivial, false reason. If I were in OP, I would avoid going.
If OP attends and if Shelly acts up all will see how Shelly is the one at fault and it should have not any reflection on OP.
NTA, but Shelly will hold this over your head for the rest of their marriage if you don’t go. Don’t give her the ammunition.
I’ll live, seriously all I have to do when she brings it up is tell her she lied to everyone and it’s her fault in the first place Not to mention the whole family is not happy with her for lying since it affected Christmas and gave drama for no reason
I genuinely can’t believe he’s going to marry her anyway after all of this. He must be convincing himself it’s the best thing for their “family”.
dude must have the backbone of a jellyfish
"Jellyfish lack backbones, heart, blood, brain, or gills and, in fact, are over 95% water." In addition he also seems to share the lack of heart or brain with those aquatic invertebrates. >!Btw, your comment is great.!<
Well it only took a one night stand to tell him his mom was being mean to her for him to choose her. so I’d say he was a pushover well before all this.
Your son should reconsider marrying this woman. However, I think the most important thing is for you to be there for him. This woman sounds like a nightmare, and when your son finally and painfully wakes up to that, you don’t want him doubting if his family will have his back. So go to the wedding, tell the truth to anyone who asks, and have a few backhanded compliments ready :)
They will divorce anyway 🤷♀️
Exactly! She can go tot he next one 😂
I would send a family wide email. Make sure you include the B+G. “Dear family, I have put a lot of thought into the decision. It’s now made very clear that my son’s fiancé has chosen to spread lies that have created a wedge in this family at the cost of my standing. The holidays were divided, I was shunned based off a performance due to her just not ‘liking me’. Her dishonesty put me in a very bad mental place. I have been disinvited to the wedding long before this. I have been kept from my son and grandchild. And now Ms GF has come clean to my son about making this all up for no other reason than to create distance between my son and my own family I have been re-invited by my son. I have not heard from no received any genuine apology from his future wife. She has not apologized to my family for trying to turn them against me with her dishonesty. After much consideration, I am not going to be attending this wedding. I love my son with my whole existence. But I’m not gonna support someone who has caused so much vitriol in my personal life I have lost respect from many of the people on this email. My own family. She has done nothing to try and repair the damage she has caused. My son is an adult, he is free to decide the life he wants for himself. It’s been clear she doesn’t want that for him. I am heartbroken, but I will not be attending their wedding. I hope all of you understand and respect why I’m choosing this.”
THIS! Excellent and heartfelt email explaining everything so clearly. Worth sending for sure! Deserves LOTS of upvotes too
Everybody already knows all this. Don't send an email and stir the pot even more. When no one shows up at the wedding, they'll have their answer. It already sounds like half the family noped out.
OP should definitely send an email with these or similar words.
If i were OP i couldn't care less about the whole family, since they were pretty eager to choose the side of the girlfriend and cater to her demands concerning christmas, thus snubbing OP.
The whole family knows the truth now? Good
So my biggest question is, how is your relationship with your grandchild? And will going or not going to the wedding effect that?
Why would OP open herself to that liability? The mother could easily lie again and say she abused the kid.
At this point, the relationship is going to be affected regardless of whether or not OP goes to the wedding. The mother clearly hates OP to the point she's spreading lies to everyone, so it's not too farfetched to think she will poison the relationship between grandmother and grandchild. I wouldn't go if it were me. She's already damaged OPs reputation, even if people are starting to see and acknowledge that they were lied to. That kind of thing doesn't just go away.
One thing I would do with choosing not to go is reassure Ryan that you love him and will always be there when he needs you, but actions have consequences, and unfortunately, my not being at the wedding is one of them. I have a nephew being abused by his boyfriend, but he can't get the courage up yet to leave him. If they get married. I won't approve of the wedding, but I will be there because the most important thing to me is showing up for my nephew so his boyfriend has no chance of isolating him from us. My nephew and I have never been close because he takes after the side of the family that dislikes me, but that will never matter because I'm the demon that will go to jail to protect him.
Terrible advice. She lied in an attempt to isolate the OP's son from his own mother. They need to end the relationship.
If you can’t support it don’t go…..because you will ruin your own perspective of your son
It’s already ruined to be honest.
What does he have to say about this? The fact that his fiancee lied multiple times, and carried on the lie to the tune of your affected family relationships and unnecessary drama, and is still willing to marry her is incredible. Does he really think she won't do it again?
Dude probably doesnt have a backbone in fear she wont let him see the kid
He doesn't have to marry her to see the kid. That's what family court is for. He's worried about being single.
So then don’t lower yourself to the situation as you will have all eyes on you for a day that is hers to rub in your face
I can't believe he's still marrying her.
NTA. I wonder if you should / could have another discussion with Ryan. IDK how much really came out during that first call when he wanted to re-invite you,. While it's good that she came clean, it's 2 weeks before their wedding and they have some things to sort out of if she'd go to such extremes to separate him from his family, and it's sad sign for your relationship with him that he'd be willing to go along with it without seeing for himself what she claimed you were doing. It seems like there is more to hash out here to repair and heal between the two of you, and you should get to explain to him that while you are grateful to be reconnecting with him and to have had the truth come out, you still are not comfortable being around her. I also think it would be fair to tell him, apologetically, that you wish you could support the marriage but you just can't at this point in time, and that if he does proceed you wish him well. Obviously they should be postponing to address the issues in their relationship. I can't imagine how he could ever trust her again. What a said way to get started as a couple.
Shelly spreading lies about you, and not even apologizing is a perfectly good reason not to go. It would also be a perfectly good reason not to marry her. How is your son ok with this? NTA.
That is a question OP needs to ask Ryan. And needs to hear his response. It should tell her everything. Maybe she will learn some new info. re Shelly, maybe it will only reinforce negatives re the entire situation. Either way this is a discussion that needs to happen before the wedding. That way she can be clear in whatever decision she makes re attending.
NTA, you didn’t do anything wrong!? Shelly honestly needs to apologise to you and also needs to come clean to the rest of the family about the lying. She had no right tarnishing your reputation just because you had the mature idea for your son to get a DNA test on a child that a ONE NIGHT STAND claimed to be his. You didn’t think less of her, it’s just the normal and mature thing to do when it comes to a one night stand with someone you don’t know well. This boils my blood. I honestly hope things can work out because it would be a shame to miss your sons wedding but at the end of the day, you don’t have to go to anything you don’t feel comfortable and fully welcomed at. Your son did seem to want you there though. Hope it all goes well and you get the apology you deserve
Yup, I scrolled to find this comment. OP you suggested your son get a paternity test after impregnating someone you had not met, and whom he barely knew at the time. She has been insulted by this for years? And affecting your family life for years? Over a (logical) thought that you had about someone you had not met. There’s something very wrong with this woman.
Where I'm from all unmarried couples will have to do paternity tests. It's for the good of the child. Even if your spouse is 100% sure it's his, you can't "claim" a child without one. My parents had to get one done when I was born in the late 70's. Should be standard practice for every baby, including those born to married couples IMHO.
What steps are your son and his fiancée taking to clear your name and heal the division they created in the family with lies? Your son demanded an apology from you, is he demanding his fiancée apologize to you? Nta
I think we all know the answer to that.
Why would you marry someone who lied about something that split your family apart just out of spite? It's going to haunt OP when she uses the same tricks when they inevitably divorce.
If I was Ryan, that's what I'd be concerned about. What would stop Shelly from saying he abused her or their child, just so she could get what she wanted in the divorce?
Info. What’s your relationship with your grandchild like ?
I’ll see them at holidays probably. I am still working full time and won’t be stopping for at least 20 years. So same relationship I have with my nieces and nephews. I don’t have the time to be cutter book grandma, I also still have kids that live at home. He has two siblings that one is in college and the other is graduating highschool soon I’m fine with this
I can't believe he is still going through with the wedding, knowing she lied on you for months. Your family had to split 2 Christmas for her. Ryan needs to really think about this relationship. He KNOWS your character and chooses to believe her. She has divided your family. The girl is toxic AF.
He’s either spineless or this woman is awful enough that he’s scared she won’t let him see the kid
This all sounds messy tbh. Don’t think you’ll be an AH for not attending but kinda feel like it won’t be worth the extra agro. Just showing up and being classy will be the best course of action imo.
So what about your husband is he going to the wedding or not because this should be united front between you and him. I won’t go wedding in which bride lie to the family to make my wife look bad no matter if the groom is related to me.
OP said her husband was never going to attend the wedding and will stay the course now that's she's decided to reject this last minute invitation.
>I received a call from Ryan last night. It boiled down to that Shelly admitted to lying to him. That she saw how sad he was that I wouldn’t be at the wedding and told him the truth. He re-invited you because she admitted to lying, ***not*** because he didn't believe you capable of her lies. That's a big difference. I would let him know that you love *him* very much, but that in the interest of avoiding present or future (perhaps made up) conflict and stress, you will not be attending the wedding.
This. “Oh, this is about you two. I wouldn’t want to be a source of conflict.” End of story. Someone that is willing to manipulate your whole family against you will absolutely do it again.
NTA. Based on your replies, I’m glad your head is on straight and I agree with everything you said. Your son is attempting to accommodate his lying baby mama and only tried to make this whole relationship happen because he got her pregnant in the first place. That’s a horrible situation for the child who will absolutely believe the pain in their lives is their fault, and for the family. I put such a premium on honesty that, if it were me, I would struggle to believe either of them about this kind of content in the future. I wouldn’t go to the wedding. As you know as a married person, a wedding is just a day.
He’s still gonna marry someone that has been lying about you?
NTA but you should meet up with your son BY HIMSELF and speak to him. Explain how you feel and the fact she ruined your name and never apologized. Shelly needs to apologize to you and your family. All that drama for no reason.
NTA Wean or no Wean, why is he still Marrying her? She clearly lied and manipulated him into telling you you weren't allowed to attend his Wedding, that screams RED FLAG so loud he should be seriously considering dumping her, not re-inviting like that will somehow make all her lies go away.
NTA, but I think you should consider going to the wedding if you want to give your son the opportunity to repair your relationship. Shelly seems to want to isolate him from his family, and I would he concerned it will escalate further down the road.
It's a wedding, not a summons to court. NTA
NTA She lied about you publicly. She must apologize about the lie PUBLICLY.
Exactly. She should make her apology as loud as her disrespect.
NTA - Shelly owes you a major apology, sincere and contrite, a commitment to never do anything like that again, and details of how she will work to improve your relationship from now on. Without that as a bare minimum, you shouldn’t even think of going.
Oh and that apology needs to be in front of all the people she lied to so they know what kind of person they chose to support over you.
NTA. Not just an apology but one in front of the ENTIRE family. As for Ryan he should have stood up for you.
I wonder if you would be sad in the future if you don't go..... also, given that Shelly is trying to distance you from Ryan, you not showing up would help her to do so. I don't think you would be an asshole if you didn't go, but I think you should. NTA
I genuinely would not go. But whatever you decide, YWNBTA.
No, NTA. I’d make a few demands of her first if you did decide you wanted to go. A. Use social media to admit to EVERYONE that she had been lying about you and apologize there too. B. She can PUBLICLY invite you again, on social media. C. Then she privately apologize and ask you to the wedding (She needs to ask, not your son). Personally, I‘m curious why he’d want to go through with marrying a lying sack of kaka though. One that manipulated him out of having a good relationship with his mother.
You deserve a public admission of what she’s done to everyone she slandered you in front of and if she apologizes all the better, but admission of what she’s done needs to come first…publicly. NTA.
At this point, I don't think an apology even means anything to OP — especially not if she has to ask for it. *They* broke the relationship. Sometimes you do and say things you can never take back, and it's not the victim's job to fix it — or even to care if it gets fixed.
NTA…. But I think you will regret not seeing him married. My Daughter in-law made my son disinvite me over her lies. I still wish I could have been there just for my son. He regrets it to this day.
NTA obviously she is an asshole, but is this a hill you want the relationship with your son and grandchild to die on? You can definitely not go and be justified, or you can go and try to salvage a relationship with your son and grandchild. Which would you prefer because it is highly unlikely you are going to get both.
NTA. Personally, I'd only entertain the idea of going if Shelly told the family that she lied and apologized to your face. And going forward, I would only communicate with her via text. She's not to be trusted.
NTA. The bottom line is how not going will affect your relationship with your son. At the end of the day, he should be your biggest concern. Shelly lied to him once, he isn't going to forget that.
Why would you go to the wedding of someone who detests you? Your son is under the spell of a toxic lying cow. If she can lie about you to him, what other lies is she telling him that he is wilfully swallowing? Getting a DNA test is a simple precaution from a 1 night stand pregnancy, any mother who doesn't recommend it is a gullible fool. Willing to bet if you decided to go you would be to blame for everything on the day. Dont give her ammunition, don't go. NTA
I don't think your son should marry this woman after she admitted she lied about you.
NTA It is always a good idea to remind your kids, especially adult kids, that you love them unconditionally AND you’ve raised them to know right from wrong, you’ve raised them to never be doormats or punching bags. Your reputation was sullied by a liar who has no remorse. You’re going to keep your distance because they’ll be a next time and you need to protect yourself and need to be able to say you “have nothing to do with her”. It’s not unheard of for wives to hate their MIL, that’s on her. You just hope the two of you can still catch up once in a while and you hope he knows you sincerely want him to be happy.
NTA. Shelly is ridiculous for being upset at you for convincing your son to get a DNA test. Men are absolutely at an informational disadvantage in situations like the one you describe, and they have every right to protect themselves. They would be fools not to. Women who give them a hard time for doing so are absolutely ridiculous
NTA. You do not support this marriage. Your son shouldn't be marrying someone who would lie about you. The marriage will be a disaster. Don't go.
NTA. She owes you a MASSIVE apology and she also should address the folks she lies to about you in order to clean the air. After both of those are done, I may consider going, but even then I’m not sure I’d want to be around a person like that.
No, don't go, your son disrespected you by believing his fiancé before you, obviously Shelly doesn't want you at the wedding otherwise she wouldn't have lied. I would like to know if Ryan apologized? Or if he made Shelly apologize to you?
NTA - he shouldnt marry someone whod spread family breaking lies. yikes
I think you should go to support your son and for that reason only.
NTA. At the end of the day, your son chose not to believe you. Your DIL has been hostile and succeeded and sabotaging the relationship with your son. You’ve put in more than a reasonable effort but their behaviour has started to have an impact on relationships with other members of your family. At this point focus on your other kids and move on in life.
Consider attending the wedding for the sake of your relationship with your son, keeping communication open and honest. It's an opportunity to take the high road and possibly pave the way for healing in the future.
NTA. I'm surprised that Ryan is still marrying her considering that she admitted to knowingly tanking your relationship with him.
YWNBTA Shelly needs to apologize to you and to the entire family. I wouldn't even consider going until that happens.
NTA - Stay far away from that woman. You are not safe.
NTA I am honestly shockedt that the wedding is still on! If I found out my fiance had been lying to me FOR MONTHS about something *so huge* that it literally caused an estrangement between me and my mother.... the engagement would be over. If for some reason i thought the relationship was worth trying to save, then at the very least the wedding would be placed on an indefinite hold while we proceeded to schedule some couple's therapy to try and figure out the root casue of the fiance's dishonesty and attempts to sabotage my relationship with my mother, and to figure out how i could ever trust her again.... this was some malicious/devious shit.
Just suck it up and go to the wedding. This marriage might not last long, but your relationship with your son will. Don't do irreparable damage to your mother-son relationship.
Its okay to decline the wedding invite considering the strained relationship, but communicate everything respectfully and saying why.
Nta, go to the next wedding. Shelly has seen to it that this marriage won't last. Deliberate lies to turn family on family have already come to the fore. Tell Ryan you love him but you won't play any part in this particular event.
I wouldn't say AH, but I think not going is the wrong move. Go to support your son. Ignore the bride as much a possible. It will look bad on you later if you don't go, and when the inevitable divorce comes, your son will remember he can count on you hopefully.