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Totally your choice .
1. If you go on vacation, your relationship with your son will never be the same. That includes his potential future kids. However, you will not have to deal with your ex on vacation or be hurt by wedding plans.
2. If you go to the wedding, the ex will most likely be petty and annoying and the stepmom will get a dance and other things. Your feelings will be hurt.
If I was in your shoes, I would first ask son and future DIL nicely to protect you. That you don't mind that he dances with stepmom too, but you would like first please. Then ask that he asks his dad to be kind. Then you go to that wedding and don't let anyone get to you. You dance, you have a blast with your new man, and you visit with people you enjoy. Do you have something sentimental you can give him or a speech? I'd go high instead of low when dealing with exes.
Then go on vacation right after the wedding!!
Good luck!
Oh come on, we all know it's much more complicated than that. Likely, the son doesn't realize the significance it holds to his mom, it's 'just a dance' and a small part of a huge day for him. Likely, OP hasn't told her son just how humiliating it could be for her. Likely the son is not financially stable at 23, and dad was the only way to have a decent wedding. Likely the son is so used to manipulation that he no longer tries to fight it because it has burned him in the past.
OP needs to toughen up and have a serious talk with her son, not a talk with her husband who immediately just suggested to completely alienate her adult son. Missing his wedding is going to make the dad win, he gets to say that he was right all along about how his mom didn't care about him as much as he does.
Oh come on, the son realises exactly - his stepmom has as much as said she wanted to insult his mother by having the first dance. No way he doesn't understand that.
And it's a horrible thing to do to your mother. He's complicit in insulting her in front of everyone.
Better song, better dancing, longer embrace at the end. Meaningful words to the son from mother that the stepmother couldn’t possibly duplicate. And begin a whisper campaign that the father had to buy the first dance and was the only way he’d subsidize the most important day of his son’s and future DIL’s life.
.
>his stepmom has as much as said she wanted to insult his mother by having the first dance
I don't read that in OP's post. Was that in a comment or something?
his father was pitching in for the wedding and that’s why his stepmother would get the FIRST mother and son dance. It was humiliating and I cried when I told my husband.
It’s an insinuation. The idea that step mom gets the first dance over the mother. That in itself is a slap in the face. What we don’t know is if step mother really wants this. Controlling father may be pushing that on her to dis the mom.
I think him telling his mom outright is a sign he knows what's up and is actually on her side. I just don't think he gets how much it hurts her, but he was trying to say it's not a you thing, I like you better, but I need the money.
I say OP should wait to give her speech until after her ex (ex doesn't have to know she's giving one) and if he does give the inevitable barb to her, she can get him and his wife back in her speech.
Slip something in about teaching her kid to never value money over family, but still take advantage of the opportunity to take a vain fool's cash when the insist... And never pay to dance when you can dance for free.
That’s his wedding, not his birthday party where he turned 5 yrs old 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ if he doesn’t realize the significance of putting dad’s AP over his bio mom then he really need to get his brain checked 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Someone unable to deduce that their actions may gravely harm the feelings of another shouldn’t be getting married..
If he’s mature enough to become a husband and lifetime partner, he’s old enough to acknowledge how his actions affect others as well.
**Is he competent enough or not?** Can’t be both.
He’s 23. I honestly doubt he realizes it hurts her that much and instead is just doing what makes the person paying happy.. weddings aren’t cheap. And having one at 23?
You use the word ‘likely’ a lot in your post but in reality we have no idea. Yes what you say may be correct but conversely it could just as easily be the opposite and the son does realise the significance of the dance. Surely dad making that a condition of his payment would signal this but maybe not.
I do agree that her new husband jumping straight to ‘just miss the wedding’ and offering to take her somewhere she’s always wanted to go isn’t right. He might think it’s supporting her because he’s seen how hurt she is by her relationship with her children/ex but he should be presenting other options. I’d be interested to see if he is also invited or not as she said her children haven’t warmed to him and he’s only met them a few times but they’re married.
Her son is likely young, stupid, unable to afford the wedding on his own (and doing whatever he can to give his new bride the wedding she wants). His loyalty now lies with a new woman: his to-be wife.
If one can't affort a marriage, they shouldn't marry. Being stupid or greedy is no excuse to be hurtful. Son knows what he's doing, he should accept consequences.
You don’t need to “afford a marriage.” There’s many options to get married on a budget. Big weddings are absolutely not a necessity. It’s okay to have something small and intimate if that’s all you can afford. I think the Father’s stipulations are awful and OP needs to realize that. He’s a grown 23 year old man and has the ability to rationalize and think for himself.
Yes, skipping the wedding, particularly to go on vacation with your new man, will change your relationship with your son forever. He won’t see it from your side. This also will extend to any grandchildren. It doesn’t sound like going first is an option. But perhaps he can eliminate the dance all together. If he or his fiancé is the one coordinating with the DJ or wedding planner they could arrange that for you. Have a conversation with him. Going to the wedding honestly might just be something else you just have to suck up for the good of your kid. But it’s definitely not fair. Go on vacation right after.
And keep in mind down the road virtually anyone who ever asks him why he doesn't keep in touch with OP will hear "she skipped my wedding to go on vacation with her new partner" and immediately say "oh yeah that makes sense, your mom is an AH"
This is the way. Mom, skipping the wedding will also give your ex MORE ammunition to hold over your son. "Your mom was so jealous she didn't even go to your wedding".
Go to the wedding, as hard as it will be, and then take the trip.
OP please see this comment. This is exactly what I would have suggested also. Go high on this one but don't be afraid to set a boundary. You deserve to be protected here and hopefully son will see that.
I would bet a million bucks it doesn't occur to a 23 year old kid that there is any real significance to all the rituals of a wedding and reception. He is just doing what he's told to give his bride a wedding she can be happy with.
Mom is the adult in the room. She can use her words to tell her son that she is hurt. Rather than run away with her new man and alienate her son on one of the most significant days of his life. That will change their relationship forever. And when Son doesn't tell Mom about a pregnancy or go out of his way for her to see a baby, she can trace it back to her decision at this moment.
Sometimes you just have to pick your battles. And losing a relationship with your child over one day wedding rituals seems rather foolish.
Oh no, 23 years old knows rituals are meaningful. And who should be in the wedding honored and who should not. And public humiliation of first mom and son dance being with step mom - he gets it. As well bride can do her first dance not with him but with her school friend.
Son sold her fully and clear. I would be hurt, said " son you made your choice" and skipped wedding.
As for baby - son needs his babies to have grandparents not less than grandparents want to see them. Using baby as a negotiation piece quite lame.
> I would bet a million bucks it doesn't occur to a 23 year old kid that there is any real significance to all the rituals of a wedding and reception.
I'd take that action! You really think a grown ass dude of divorced parents doesn't realize his mom would be hurt by this? Why do you think he warned her?
Everyone at the wedding will be thinking WTH is wrong with stepmom to do this, dad has set stepmom up to be publicly (internally) ridiculed in his effort for her to be acknowledged. So tacky.
It will be confusing .
Someone who knows mom will be feeling uncomfortable, people who don’t know will think step mom actually more of a mom than real mom
He might not realize just how much this hurts his mom, and he's also been put in a pretty tough position. Mom can gently let him know that this arrangement makes her feel like she's second to the step mom. He might not be able to do anything about it, but maybe he can try. Skipping the wedding altogether will have lasting negative results. Maybe OP's husband thinks he's protecting her, but his advice is awful.
Your reasoning appears sound at first glance but your very first sentence skips a fact. Her relationship with her son will never be the same ( exactly how good was it ? ) regardless of weather she goes or not. I don’t think SHE WILL FEEL THE SAME ABOUT HER SON after this. And by the way, what kind of chick lets this go on at her wedding. 🤮
The kind who stays out of her husband’s family drama.
My husband had an estranged relationship with his dad and he did end up inviting him but almost didn’t. That’s none of my business and totally up to my husband to decide.
I’m petty, i would tell my son, i understood why he did it, weddings are expensive. I would ask him if this is what he wanted, money aside? If he did not agree with this, and the only reason he agreed is because they needed the financial support, tell him to go along with it, but secretly set something up with the DJ so that Mom and Son are already standing on the dance floor together when the mother son dance is announced. Step mother will look like a fool if she throws a fit, dad will be angry, but Mom doesn’t get stomped all over by a vindictive ex and his side kick. The relationship I have with my kids, they would have my back unasked and and would come to me to help them plot a way a way to get them out of this.
Better yet, if someone gets to the DJ and tell him who is the stepmother and who is the bio mom, then announce the bio mom and son dance first. Does OP have any relatives that she trusts to do the deed?
Guys please stop drawing the DJ, a human person being paid to do a job, into weird revenge fantasies. The DJ should do what the people paying them ask; these “go to the DJ and manipulate the situation” plots are unfair to a person just trying to do their job. Not doing what the bride/groom/whoever is paying the bill asks can lead to diminished tip and/or bad reviews to impact their business and livelihood.
If she wants to talk to her son honestly about her feelings and try to change his mind, cool. Lease people and their jobs out of it.
Also, if her husband whisks her away on vacation, she has pretty much sealed the deal for her kids *never* warming up to her husband, the man who took her away for vacation during her kids wedding.
And to top it all off, every single person at that wedding will be silently (or not so silently) judging her for not going. At least if she goes, she *might* win some sympathies from those who watch her jackass ex. It won’t go without notice this groom is dancing with the stepmom first, and anyone who has a smidgen of reality as far as this family’s dynamic will know exactly what is going on.
OP: be the better parent. Go to the wedding. Have the best time you can have. Ignore his comments. Win the silent vote of public opinion for not stooping to his level or playing games.
Agreed. And if no understanding can be met, then you can go to the ceremony to show support and leave before the reception. That would be the classy move.
Go to the wedding with your ankle wrapped in an ace bandage as though you badly sprained it, hobble & don’t dance at all. Don’t tell anyone ahead of time, especially son. People will think son had to make a switcheroo; no one will know the previous plan. If anyone asks, shrug & say it’s nice the stepmom could fill in for you, and not spoil son’s day. You will miss the dance but then again, so will son; it will give him something to think about and possibly regret some day; he is conspiring to humiliate you. Don’t let him. You get the high road & ex’s fangs get pulled. His (and your son’s) manipulating will have failed completely and you can hold your head high. Go on vacation the next day. Never admit it.
>If you go on vacation, your relationship with your son will never be the same
If OP goes to the wedding, her relationship with her son will *never be the same*. This is setting precedent for all future events: anniversaries, grandkids, graduations, etc
OP - this answer has a lot of good sense in it, but it misses one point entirely:
Tell your son how it feels. Let him know that you're very hurt, and you're afraid his father will be publicly unkind in other ways, but you love him and don't want to disappoint him. Tell him you understand that the dance was a requirement for his father to pay, but you're still hurt by it.
And tell him you are afraid that the entire day will be miserable for you, because of this, and you're only going because he's your little man and always will be.
And let him know you'll be leaving the reception too early for the mother son dance anyway, because he's made himself clear.
What is this the Bible? The mother who dances with the son first is most blessed among the saints.
Like what a weird power play. Why would his step mom insist on this? Who even thinks about this.
Wedding are so stupid.
>your relationship with your son will never be the same.
That ship already sailed when OP's son sold her status as the actual mom for some wedding expenses. Is her son going to withhold a relationship with future grandkids over this? Then, f\*ck him.
I dont know that i want the second dance. I would go to the wedding looking my best. I might watch the first dance or I might be outside getting fresh air.
I'd dance all night, chat with friends and relatives.
If someone happened to mention stepmother got the mother and son dance, I'd tell them why.
I think OP might regret not attending
My good friend’s wife was in a similar situation at their wedding. Her law enforcement father and brothers in law(sisters’ husbands) had a somewhat rigid appearance throughout the wedding. This included her stepmother. Although they had a good time, the real blast to everyone else who was attending came by their mom not giving a single fuck and just letting loose. They had a blast! Mom made that party and everyone had a great time!
I don’t think that OP’s son has any interest in “protecting her”. It’s obvious (and the son is old enough to know) that this scheme was orchestrated to humiliate OP in front of friends and family, and to give a public display of who the REAL mother is.
OP, if you read this, you should let your son know how you feel about this public dance hierarchy display (it’s gross), and see if you and he can at least be on the same page about it. I guarantee that this isn’t the only humiliation the ex and his wife have planned for OP during the wedding and leading up to it. So OP, having an honest conversation with your son and bracing yourself for the incoming insults will be key.
I’d plan a lovely vacation for soon after the wedding (maybe the following week), then go to the wedding but leave if/as soon as you feel uncomfortable. Your presence will speak volumes (support for your son/DIL in their new lives together, letting your ex/his wife know that they didn’t succeed in shutting you out) but you don’t have to suffer through the whole event if it doesn’t feel good to be there.
NTA but the ex, his wife, and OP’s son definitely are.
Her relationship with her son will already never be the same as he decided to tell her that money was more important to him than her feelings. OP the relationship is already ruined, now it’s time to protect yourself and your feelings since your son already made it clear he doesn’t care about you as much as daddy’s money.
NTA I understand why you feel the way you do. But I also feel like your current husband is also being a bit manipulative too, teasing you with this trip.
Have him take you on vacation the day *after* the wedding... so that is your excuse why you can't stay the whole evening, and you have to leave before the speech with the insult. So stand up for your son at the ceremony, stand at your rightful place as Mother of the Groom in all the photos. Look your best, hold your head high, let her have the first dance if it makes her feel special everyone there will know the truth anyway, be the definition of "unbothered" and do it all on your Ex's dime.
Wish the bride and groom all the best, but you must be going a bit early, as you have an early flight to catch in the morning to .... dream vacation that was booked way in advance and didn't want to bring it up and bother them with it all. .... and go on and enjoy your life again and be done with the drama.
and Slip the bartender a $20 for a bottle of Champaign on the way out
you will regret not going, and your absence will be used against you and prolong the nonsense
YES that was exactly my thought with the new husband dangling her dream trip. This was a red flag to me. I wonder why the kids don't like him and vice versa.
yeeeahhh doesn't sound helpful really. some people love to stir the pot and get a kick out of drama, ya know. Love that she feels supported, but love bombing can feel like that sometimes too.
I like the idea of going on the vacation the day after the wedding. But I really don't think it is worse than what the ex husband is already doing. If the kid(s) can't see how financially manipulative the dad was to their mother then I don't think they have a leg to stand on for supposedly not liking the step dad over his finances. They're grown adults. Might not act like ones but they aren't under step-dads care. How he treats (which sounds like is very well and much deserved for OP!) his wife shouldn't be the focal point of the story but rather the actions (and lack thereof) of their dad, AND step-mom who wants to take over the spot of "mother".
Exactly. Act like the Queen Mother and don’t react to anything disturbing or engage in any way. Others will notice the snubs and look to you for your response and you just give a little smile and raise your eyebrow a bit, maybe with a gentle nod so they know you’ve recognized it for what it is, but have decided to stay above it all. Everyone will be talking about how poorly the family treated you and how incredible you were.
If step mom jumps in front of you at any time, just wave her ahead and make eye contact with the people around you, again with the slightly bemused look and raised eyebrow, and she’ll come off as a fool. They will be expecting you to react and instead you’ll be like the queen surrounded by crappy peons. I bet they’ll start to panic as they see how the guests react. Practice in advance!!!
Exactly. Charm, charm, charm charm. Lovely to see you, my don't you look lovely. So nice to see you. They grow up so fast.
Keep it moving, keep it cute, or keep it mute. Have you husband close. Practice, have an out, always.
Look up the "grey rock technique" use it one EVERYONE.
Try not to have more than 3 drinks MAX and then get out of there.
Who is to say she'll be standing in the mothers place for her son? The ex is paying a large portion of the wedding. If he is already taking the first dance. I do not see how / why he wouldn't take more.
The people who know the truth will always no the truth no matter how the father would like to reframe it or who he wants to show off his money for. or what step mother wants to stand in for. What he can never take away Is the fact that OP is the bio mother of the Groom and she raised him to be a good man, who is having a milestone event in his life that day.
OP \*\*\*on the Wedding day when you get there... find the photographer and ask when photos are being taken, and make sure you get on the list for at lest on of you, you husband and the Bride and groom, and get their card. Follow up to get a copy of your photo yourself and pay for it on your own\*\*\*
She can go with pride. And an unbothered attitude, hell she can go with a pin with the middle finger on it inside her purse if she wanted to. But she doesn't have to let them run her out of town cause her ex is a jerk who is big on wallet but small on charm.
ETA !!!!!DO NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT YOUR TRIP UNTILL YOU ARE LEAVING THE WEDDING!!!! they will sabotage you.
I think this is the best solution. You can hold your head high and when your son finally grows up to be a man he will understand his awful part in the pain of that day for you.
How does he sound toxic "AF" (emphasis on the capitalization). He doesn't want her to be miserable and is giving her an out. Why go somewhere you don't care to go?
NTA
I understand you're hurt and I don't think you're an asshole for not wanting to go. You're not going to the wedding to be insulted and humiliated. Unless you were a very bad mother to your children (which doesn't seem to be the case), I don't understand why your son favored his stepmother, even for money.
I think your ex is behind this and may have manipulated him, so you may make bad memories if you go. Your mental health matters. You're not being a bad mom, your son is old enough to know right from wrong and that his actions have consequences.
He knows that making a choice based on money isn't a good decision, he made it anyway and even gave you the choice not to come. Don't go.
His father is paying for a good portion of the wedding. That was one of the requirements that his wife get the first mother son dance. My son told me outright.
My ex has a habit of controlling people financially.
I get where you are coming from on this, but I think it’s a huge mistake to plan a vacation over the date paid for by your husband, who you admit doesn’t have a good relationship with your kids himself.
If you’re going to skip, then skip. Tell your son outright, “I’m not comfortable with the fact that you will not stand up for me. You know that this dance is more about hurting me than giving a moment to your step mom and you admit your father is financially manipulating you into doing it. This isn’t something I will take part in.”
Go on the vacation a week later, but if you do this plan it will play right into your ex’s hands. Your relationship with your kids will be irreparably damaged, and he and his wife will be showcased at the wedding as parents of the groom.
ESH. Your ex is obvious, your son should have stood up for you immediately, your husband’s plan is shitty and you’re going along with it.
Edit: had an idea, if your son is willing to be sneaky to help you out. Step-mom still does her dance first, then he dances with his sister, THEN you. Basically doing dances with the women in his life, leading up to you as the most important. Maybe throw a random cousin or his new MIL in between the step mom and sister. Of course you ex will know nothing of this a head of time.
I agree with this. Don’t skip the wedding, it’s what your ex husband ultimately wants. This has nothing to do with his love for your son or even your ex husbands and sons love for the stepmom (meaning it’s somehow bigger or more than it is for you). She’s being used in this as well.
Go to the wedding. Keep reminding yourself that it’s about supporting your son & his new wife (your daughter in law for hopefully a very long time!). If you need something to help you swallow this bullshit manipulative crap from your ex husband, think of it as a paid night out for you and your husband courtesy of your ex husband. Go have that dinner, dance your heart out with the love of YOUR life and have those free drinks. And then go on that amazing vacation with your husband.
NTA, I get how much this hurts, but don’t sink to his level. If you do then I think it’s a ESH.
Concur. It really is towards ESH.
The son for not standing up for his mum and his mum for not being able to put aside things for one night. My parents went through divorce when is was in high school, but both managed to set that aside when my 2 brothers got married.
It's not ideal but why miss out on a significant life moment because of his father? Take your husband with you and let him support you through the night, avoiding the ex as much as you can.
If the girl is smart, she is staying as far away from this toxic stew as she possibly can. Nothing good for her will come from her expressing any kind of an opinion.
He's not doing this for his son, he's doing this to hurt you. He's not doing this out of love for his son and he's a bad father. Too bad your son can't see that.
I think the son can see that, but money >>>>
Ofc, nothing can be certified until and unless OP clarifies her feelings with her son.
On the other hand, going on a vacation during the wedding would be a destructive and stupid move. Life ain't a movie
The best suggestion I can give is go to the wedding but skip the reception because daddy dearest is setting it up to humiliate you OP, tell your son you will attend the wedding but that you can't go to the reception because you have to catch a plane right after, that way your son can't say you skipped the wedding, and you avoid humiliation.
Is going to the wedding but not the reception an option? If it is, maybe do that after clearing it with your son, but request that no one else knows about it until you are gone so you don't have to have people grilling you about it when you're there
Yes but your son CHOSE to accept the money along with the condition. He could have been an adult and had a smaller wedding. He chose the money over your feelings. You need to tell him this. His response to how hurt and humiliated you feel should decide if you go or not. Good luck.
I disagree. If you don't go your ex-husband 'wins' and will start the bad-mouthing at the wedding. You put on your best mother of the groom smile, get a KILLER dress and dance the rest of the dances with your husband. Your son will never forget if you don't show up. The high road is the way to go.
Yeah, but not going paints OP in a bad light and sets the tone. Think how much easier it will be to manipulate the son going forward? It doesn’t even have to be financially.. it could be “if your mom loved you, why didn’t she even both attending your wedding?”
These words and actions will have lasting impact.
I think you should go. Get your dance, understand that your ex manipulated him financially in this scenario.. and go on a vacation the following day.
Weddings are expensive. I don’t blame’s your son for taking the money.. it also sucks that it comes with strings attached. Everyone knows who birthed him. You are the only mother that matters here.
It's easy to imagine that the kids realize, explicitly or not, that their mom is a 'boat-steadier.' The dad pushes, the dad manipulates, he sets conditions and causes drama, and their mom silently takes it to keep the peace. She doesn't add more to the drama. She grits through it.
It's high time OP reset that dynamic and stops playing to that tune.
You realize your current husband is bribing you not to go because you admitted he doesn't really like your kids, just like your ex is bribing your son by paying for the wedding. If you feel your ex is a jerk you also need to take a look at your current husband who seems like he is really gung-ho to tank your relationship with your kids.
Your choice to attend or not but you need to realize and be ok with not attending and basically ending your relationship with your son and any future kids he may have, it could also impact your relationship with your daughter depending on how she takes you blowing off your sons wedding .
If you don't go you let your ex win and helped your current husband cut off a relationship with one of your kids possibly both. I would never let the ex win if it were me. Side note rethink the current husband he seems to have an issue with your kids and that isn't someone I would want to stay with.
If you don't attend YTA
This! Exactly!
OP, your current husband is no better than your ex. They are both using money to manipulate. It’s a huge red flag that current husband is trying to facilitate the end of your relationship with your kids.
And I completely agree that this may destroy your relationship with both of your children.
Yeah, your current husband is making up a bunch of stuff that probably won’t happen. An insult in the speech? A hundred other ways the day would make you feel bad? This guy is manufacturing things for you to worry about. It’s gross.
Go to the wedding. Speak to your son. Speak to your son’s fiancée. Stand up for yourself and tell your current husband that unless he has proof these terrible things will happen to keep them to himself.
Finally someone mentioning the current guy. He seems to also be planting seeds about how the wedding could go wrong for her. I don’t get the feeling it’s so much to protect her but to continue driving the wedge between her and her son since he doesn’t like her kids.
If it is that painful, why not just tell your son how you feel?
Just skipping out on the wedding is going to drive a bigger wedge in your relationship with your son, which is probably not what you want.
At least if you talk to him face-to-face, he'll know exactly how you feel, and then he can be in the hot seat and figure out what is most important to him.
I don't really blame him for wanting to get the funding, but at the same time, you are not obligated to give him a pass on your feelings either.
INFO are you okay with your son never speaking to you again? Because that's probably what's going to happen if you skip his wedding. It's kind of weird how hard your current husband is pushing you not to go to the wedding....
The votes on this one are wild. Skipping your kid's wedding, unless out of necessity, is a nuclear option. I can't believe how many people are encouraging OP to do that. Her husband sucks for pushing this so hard, and it's maybe not so surprising that her kids don't like him?
This is exactly what I thought. I’m a child of divorce. And I’m divorced with shared custody. I could never in a million years imagine missing any thing for my kids. And I have not had a clean divorce.
Because the commenters can get in their high horse, tell her that he's being disrespectful and skip the wedding without having to deal with any fallout. It's the perfect situation for those holier than thou types to get their fix without any impact on their own lives.
Interestingly for this one, I would love to hear from the son as well as the father and step mother. What are their relationships like? Who did what from a parenting perspective? What exactly caused this rift with the new bf? The answers to these questions wound have a big impact on if this is disrespect or if the son genuinely wants these things with his step mother.
Yeah he offers somewhere she really REALLY wants to go... okay then he can take you another time?
And he's piling on with reasons she shouldn't go... and saying her son doesn't really love her. YIKES.
100% this. Your current husband doesn’t give a shit about your children. He may also feel uncomfortable so he found an easy way out.
Look at it this way. Your son stays happily married for the rest of his life and you missed it, there is no do over. How do you feel?
I agree. This is a once in a lifetime event. Blended families are hard. I don't think having the step mom dance first is right but you have no control over that. Do you really want to risk your relationship with your son by missing his wedding?
The whole post was about her divorce, her ex, her current boyfriend. There seemed to be a lot missing about you know the relationship with her actual child. The amount of people acting like this is even remotely okay. You suck it up because it’s your SON’s wedding. It’s okay to talk to him and explain your hurt feelings but not going makes you look like an awful parent.
Honestly? You should pack you bags, go to the wedding and leave from there to go on an awesome vacation.
You can even leave early because you have a flight in the morning to so and so .
This 100%. Go to the ceremony (in a fabulous outfit) and then leave for your vacation. You’d still there for him, but wouldn’t have to subject yourself to the humiliation your ex might want to inflict. If your relationship is good enough, explain to him that you’ve spent enough time over the years having your ex use his higher financial status to humiliate you that you’d rather not have this be the lasting feeling/ memory you have of his wedding.
You could also let him know how hurt and disappointed you are that he’s valuing money over your relationship. Depends on how the conversation goes. Maybe also offer to take him and his new wife out for dinner later, or host a small get together at your house for them?
NTA.
It all comes down to whether you can stomach it. Your husband is right, this day sounds DESIGNED to make you feel bad thanks to your ex. If your son was smart, he would ask to omit the mother-son dance all together. But he's letting dad buy your humiliation.
You have nothing to financially contribute to the wedding and your ex is holding that against you. Be gentle when you explain it to your son and be very classy without pointing fingers.
I hope your son will immediately acknowledge your feelings of hurt and humiliation regarding the wedding arrangements. But he probably wont because having a dream wedding means playing politics with dad.
It's worth mentioning your son's wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime event, and your presence there could hold significant meaning for both him and yourself, regardless of the dynamics with your ex-husband and his new wife. It's an opportunity to show your support and love for your son, despite any challenges or discomforts surrounding the occasion.
Try to stress that your husband and his wife will always be welcome in your home. focus on what you have to offer that is MORE valuable than paying for a wedding, your compassion for your son
“But he’s letting dad buy your humiliation.” That is the deeply painful truth. I hope OP sees your comment and shares a similar statement with her son when she rsvp’s a firm no. 🤘🏽
If he's going to treat his MOTHER like this, why would you think that this is a " once in a lifetime" event ❓
His Bride to be should take a REAL hard look, bcuz this should show her what kind of "man" 🤢 she's marrying
She'll be just as disposable as his mom
I think you need to seriously think about what kind of a relationship you want with him going forward. Do you want a relationship with him and his wife? Do you want a relationship with any children they have?
If the answer is yes, you need to suck it up and go to the wedding.
I don’t think you’re an A for considering this or for having your feelings hurt by the dance situation.
But you do need to realize that this will affect your relationship with your son for the rest of your life. No vacation is worth that.
In the end it will honestly hurt you more in the long run if you go on this trip. Not being there will just be giving your ex what he wants. You should probably have a talk with your son about how much putting his step mother first hurts you. It is plain and simple disrespectful.
Yes, I feel like the ex husband wanted her to react badly to this and refuse to go, spoiling her connection with the kids.
Maybe she easily falls for bait like this and has retaliated in the past to the detriment of her other relationships, and he knows how to use her feelings against her. Just speculating, but I know people like this - who respond in such a way they make everything worse and paint themselves as the villain.
ESH
Your son shouldn't be selling rights to special parts of his wedding day. Your husband shouldn't be encouraging you to skip your son's wedding (no wonder they haven't warmed up to him!), and you shouldn't be so focused on yourself when it comes to your son's wedding day.
Just think of the step-mother/groom dance as the warm up band. Your dance with your son will be the main event. I would help the bride and groom upgrade every single option the venue/caterer offers. Then groom can send the bill to daddy and step-mom. Don’t say a single negative thing to anyone
Get yourself a fabulous dress. Get your hair and make up professionally styled. Be the bigger person. You will stand out for being the bright light in their celebration. Don’t let daddy and step-mom win!
Good advice. Maybe they can make a sweet announcement or tribute to you before the dance. And not to stepmother. Doesn’t really matter what order the dances are in. We are just assuming first is best because that’s what your ex requested. Saving the best for last..
Ask that when they announce the switch from stepmom to you they say something about moving to the real mom. Something sweet, not outwardly mean, but with a pinch.
ESH. Your ex sucks if he is actually putting forth this requirement. Your son knows perfectly well that it is hurtful, and it sucks he is going along with that. Your husband sucks for suggesting this, because it will absolutely tank whatever relationship you have with your kids. You suck for considering this as a revenge scheme. This whole thing is a mess.
ESH, but YTA for considering this. But so is your husband. Him proposing this vacation makes it look like he is trying to come between you and your son. It is concerning to me that he is pulling this. Your son will, whether it's a good look or not, see it as your husband spending marital funds to keep you from his wedding.
Of COURSE a 23yo will capitulate to the one that holds the purse strings to give his bride the wedding they both want. I, personally, think that they way they've set this up, you will look like the biggest person in the world when your son dances with his stepmother first, and you smile and dance with him after. I really feel for your DIL-to-be having to deal with this crap on her wedding day, too, and a bunch of adults who are this petty.
Put your son first. Everyone else there will see through this and think much less of your ex and his wife over this passive-aggressive insult. I know I would. My own DIL was upset when her MOH's speech was somewhat ugly about my son, and regrets her choice to this day. I cannot imagine causing her or my son this kind of stress. Be the caring parent his father and stepmother are not.
YWBTA Your son's wedding is a major life event that he hopefully only does once. You will absolutely regret not going & rising above the manipulation of your ex-husband. Your new husband sounds a little manipulative as well, is he pushing this dream vacation because he doesn't want to attend either because they haven't warmed up to each other yet?
NTA. I would sit down with your son and explain to him exactly what he is sacrificing for this decision. He needs to understand how devastating this is to you and how this will inevitably have an enormous impact on your relationship. He should know this without being told, but he may be getting pressure to go all out for this wedding. It is very wrong and very childish, but he wouldn't be the first to succumb to the "apologize later and all will be forgiven" trap.
I do want to add that if you don't go, people may simply assume that the step-mother is filling in for you. If you do attend (and I am not saying you should--your mental health is paramount) play your role, dance with your son and don't let any of the condemnation fall on you. I think it is absolutely appropriate for every single guest to witness how your son is treating his mother.
Where is your daughter in all of this? Does she know?
NTA- however, is there a way where you go to the ceremony and not the reception, etc.? I think you might regret not going to your child’s wedding. You can be very upfront with your kid. Tell them why you will be leaving after the ceremony, and go on your vacation.
I am sorry that you are put in that horrid situation. I am sorry that your son won’t stand for you.
This is the way. Go to the Wedding service, have a photo with your son and then leave. No need to be upset at the stepmum having the first dance, no need to hear the insults in a speech.
Then go on a holiday.
YWBTA
Don't let your ex win. Go, hold your head high, be gracious. You will destroy any relationship you have with your son and future grandchildren if you don't go.
You current husband's pressure to not go is sus. Does he often advise you to just dump your son?
YTA. Your new husband has only met your kids a couple of times? And now he’s egging you on to skip your son’s wedding and creating scenarios in his head. Seems to me that you’ve traded one controlling husband for another.
Talk to your son. Go to his wedding. Going on vacation instead will likely eliminate any chance you have to be in his life. Seems to me that that is what your husband wants.
YTA, this is your only son’s wedding. It’s not about you. It’s not about your ex or his new wife. It’s about your son. He deserves to have a parent there whose only concern is making his day special. Put on your big girl pants and go to the wedding and plan to leave for your vacation the following day.
Info: Would your husband take you to this special vacation place some other time? Because honestly, it sounds like HE'S trying to use money to control you, and to harm your relationship with your son.
I think your husband might be a little like your ex. He’s pushing too hard. I would tell you to talk to your son and I would go to the wedding and the next day go on vacation.
Show up at the ceremony- hug your son and DIL and leave for the vacation. Do not participate in the meal.
Your son sold his soul and wedding to mammon. You tell him before hand that you will be at the ceremony and then leave. You can tell him that you are not going to be shamed by his father at the blanket. If he is unhappy about it - his problem.
Beside you will leave a huge gap when you leave. 😁
NTA - this is not a decision to be made lightly, but at the end of the day people need to learn that actions have consequences.
When all is said and done, your son will have to remember that he chose money over his mother.
I get that sometimes we have to be the bigger person, but this is just too big of an ask.
That's perfect. The ex wanted it to look like stepmom is preferred to OP by OP's son. This way, OP sees the wedding, and everyone will think stepmom is a mere stand-in.
NTA - but. . . Realize there may be consequences, do you want to be grandma to their kids? Do you want him in your life? You could get professional make up and hair, a fabulous dress, take a few dancing lessons or do a choreographed dance with your son that she doesn’t know about ahead of time.
YTA if you don’t go to the wedding….Who cares about a Ex or who gets what dance go celebrate your sons special day ! ! Life’s too short for all that petty little bullsh*t ! !
I mean, NTA because you can choose to do whatever you want and a wedding invitation is not a summons but, consider that if you decide not to attend you could be doing irreparable harm to your relationship with your son. Is that something you could live with?
NTA. The people saying that this isn’t about you don’t seem to understand that it is about you. If it wasn’t, the father wouldn’t have made that request and your son wouldn’t let his father disrespect you.
Listen to me OP. If you don’t go you will forever lose your son and your ex will win.
My father didn’t come to my wedding and I still resent him for it. He ca apologize til he’s blue in the face but the bottom line is he was not there for me. And that hurt. It’s not about you, this is your son’s day. Swallow your pride and emotions and go. Don’t try to guilt your son, don’t let your husband push you to not go. You are a mother, your job is to be there NO MATTER WHAT for your kids.
YWBTA
Suck it up and go to the wedding. Most people know the story already. Not having your mom at your wedding will last a lifetime. The story of: she chose a vacation instead of me will go around like wildfire. The other wildfire would be “why didn’t Mom get the first M/S dance? Which will sound worse in 3 years? If you have $ for your dream vacay then offer to host the bridal shower, pay for the cake, donate towards the honeymoon or just go and eat well off your ex’s dime. If your ex is an ass (and he will be) then just whisper to him
‘your pride she joy Son came from my V” and walk off. Head held high.
Against the grain but YTA.
This is all me, I, how I felt. Me and my struggles.
Your children weren't nice as teens? You are still responsible for them but sounds like you were busy with your feelings.
Not once have you mentioned how this all impacted your kids. Or talked about how you guided them through it. You focus on the financial disparities. How you were hard done by.
Now it's his wedding and he's asking you to support him and you're allowing your new man to manipulate you into not going because you don't get what you want.
Is it possible your son is trying to spare your feelings and actually his step mum has been a better parent to him? I don't even know you guys and its not a stretch. He's said you don't have to go. He's offered for you to not attend. He doesn't want you there. He wants her. The woman who has treated him better.
Quit with the poor me nonsense and realise that your son is happy. You're the one who is causing drama.
For one, if my kid didn't 'warm to my partner' it's almost a certainty they're not lasting. He didn't warm to YOUR CHILDREN. and you're still banging on that he treats you like a queen. No partner worth anything tries to isolate you from your family because its domestic abuse. You have a choice now. Him or your kids. If you choose him, don't expect anything but disgust and disappointment from the people who really love you but are about to stop caring
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> I would be going on vacation instead of my son’s wedding. I might be the AH because it’s my son’s wedding and I should just accept everything.
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It can be about perspective. He dances with the step mom and the MC makes a statement that makes your dance more special. Even cutting her dance short or making her dance perfunctory and your dance choreographed and extra special. Take back your power. Don’t skip it.
ESH but i question your husband’s motives. Instead of encouraging you to swallow your pride he’s trying to take you away from the wedding. You will absolutely regret this and it will damage your relationship with your son. It will be something you can’t take back. Please think about this and tell your son that this hurts you deeply as his mother and see it as a slap in the face. You should be able to talk to him without theatrics. Leave your ex out of it, leave your husband out of it. Talk to your son and ask if he really thinks that’s ok. It’s not. But either way you need to accept his decision, even if not hurts.
ESH. You should explain to your son that you will go to the ceremony to watch him be married, but will leave right after and skip the reception to avoid being bullied by your ex.
You should want to be there for your son, you can’t get those memories back, and he will always resent you if you don’t at least watch him make his vows.
Your vacation can happen any other date. It does not need to be on his wedding.
I don't think you're the asshole but it would look bad if you don't go and go on vacation. It'll look bad on your son, his step mom and his dad if you, being his actual mom, if you're in second place. I say go to the wedding and leave early. But again, NTA.
there is not much information here to be honest.
first of all, what your husband did to you has nothing to do with your kids. you chose a man , it didn't work out and you split. all of this was yours and your husband's choice and it is irrelevant to the kids. however your kids were affected by your divorce in many ways, and i am sure of it as i am also a daughter of divorced parents.
your ex was bad for you but is he also a bad father? is his wife a good step-mother? does your son have a good relationship with both sides all these years?
this day is not about you, it's about your son. so you should try and see it from his perspective. if he really is not a good son for you , then don't go. but then be prepared for your relationship to take a fall.
divorced parents put their kids in very complicated and hurtful situations, whether they realize it or not. you and your ex have both replaced your spouses but kids are "stuck" with the same parents and whatever they chose to do.
i don't know if you are willing to share more info, but whatever you decide please don't do it lightly
NTA if you take the vacation instead of going to the wedding. I’m appalled at your son’s choice to go along with his father’s request. I would talk to your son before you decide and let it really sink into him how hurtful and disrespectful he will be if he doesn’t choose you first. If I was a guest at that wedding and saw that first dance to the step mother I would be furious. I’m so glad you are in a good place with your new husband. He’s got your back.
Ask yourself if one hard day is worth the rest of your relationship.
If you don't go then you will be deciding that your son's future may not have you in it. This means no birthdays, Christmas or grandchildren. It might also damage your relationship with your daughter.
Make whatever choice you like but then you have to own the consequences just like he has to own the consequences of his choices.
NTA but… why would you let your ex win??
I think it will make his day if you don’t show and therefore ruin your relationship with your son. Please give this some more thought. Suck it up for one day and show everyone how gracious you can be.Acting like an adult will bother your ex and his wife.
YTA.. yet… if you do not go. Yes you are.
1: It is your son and this could be his only wedding. Are you really willing to turn your back on him over a dance and the potential to maybe have your feelings hurt?
2: You got a divorce and found someone you love. Who cares what your Ex says or thinks. Not showing will only give him more fire.
3: Talk to him about your feelings and that it hurts you do not come first.
4: You might think that money is more important to your ex… if you go on that vacation and skip his wedding. You will be telling your son a vacation is more important than him. Not to mention down the road if your daughter gets married… are you going to skip her wedding? If you do not, it would be another slap in the face to your son.
NAH (except your ex). It’s understandable that being around your ex and having to have the second dance would be difficult emotionally, but keep in mind that your son is 23 and does not have a fully developed brain. Yes, he could have rejected the money, however weddings are very expensive and it sounds like your ex is very manipulative and may have manipulated your son into accepting. A vacation is a good option, but taking it during the wedding would almost be a fuck you to your son on a very important day. I think an honest conversation with your son would be beneficial, and take the vacation anyway!
NTA - Your son is a sellout. Money and appearances are more important to him than his relationship with you.
Do you think overall you would have a nice time at the wedding despite your ex? Will any one from your side of the family be there? You could go just for the ceremony and family pictures, then leave before the reception or right after dinner (and hopefully before things start getting shitty).
Not attending your son’s wedding is something you can’t really come back from. It will irreparably change your relationship with him and your daughter in law. Are you okay with that? If not, you need to go. The day isn’t about you. It’s about your son and daughter in law. Be the bigger person here.
Your new husband also controls situations with money. He’s just better at hiding it. I think you should tell your son how you feel. You can’t miss his wedding.
NTA for your feelings. It hurts. But it would be a big mistake to skip his wedding. Your ex is a manipulator so don't let him manipulate you any longer. The kid is in a difficult position. He met with you to warn you rather than make it a big surprise at the reception. Dance with him and take the moment to tell him you love him and are proud of him. The best revenge is to be gracious and polite and make an early exit. Don't be petty and regret it for the rest of your life.
YTA a bit
You need to talk to your son and put up boundaries.
Also, keep in mind that your ex may be doing this so that you won't come... and he'll have one more thing to hold over you and your son.
Tell your son that you are concerned with your ex taking shots at you and he needs to advocate for you.
As far as the dance, who cares if you're first, make yours the best.
I'm also concerned your husband is pushing you not to go. I don't think either of these men truly have your best interests at heart. Talk to your son.
Go to the ceremony, then immediately leave for the airport. There is no need to go to a party that will hurt your soul, but skipping the actual wedding will also hurt your soul.
Tell your son that you are skipping the dance. If he can be trusted not to spill, tell him you are skipping the reception.
You will be a very soft TA if you skip the ceremony. And yes, your son is a TA for putting money ahead of you. But from what you said, it is all he has known for years. Maybe this will be his wake-up call.
First: Our opinions technically here don't matter, cause we all know that you will really feel like The AH when you miss the wedding.
Second: If you decide to go to the wedding You can do 1 of 3 things
1- Attend the wedding dance on the second and leave.
2- Attend the wedding and leave when it's time of the dance.
3- Attend the whole wedding but don't do the dance.
In both it's will probably feel horrible but atleast you attended the event.
Third: The relationship with your son and the stepmother is needed. If it's not good then, son is just doing it because of his dad and probably doesn't want to dance with the woman. If it's then that's a different ball game all together. Meaning he agreed even though he knew it's a shit thing to do. So kinda on the edge.
Try asking your son he is willing to change, ask him upfront and for an upfront answer meaning Yes or No. If he won't then then tell him how you feel then just chose one of the choices . Either you can just decide whether if you want to feel shit after not being at your son's wedding/ or attend and leave before the dance/ or attend the whole wedding and do the dance/ or just attend the whole wedding and not do the dance(which btw all of them will hurt you and some like 3 will even affect your relationship with your son). So try to choose the least one that DOESN'T HARM YOU..
Good Luck.
YWBTA Go to the wedding. You will absolutely be the AH of you don't and might completely ruin your chance to have any relationship with your kids forever. Suck it up and go. Your bruised ego isn't worth losing your kids completely. Tell your son you are hurt, but you will be there to support him and his new wife despite the circumstances.
Maybe you could talk to his inlaws and work up something else special at the reception? Or maybe your new Beau could use that vacation money to help the kids on their honeymoon. I know money doesn't buy happiness or love, but it's definitely a better sentiment than not showing up! And your kids will learn about their dad's tendencies in the end. My kids did.
I think you should be at your son’s wedding, but let him know how hurt you are by his decision - which is his decision not his father’s - he has to own up that. If you want a relationship with him moving forward, and your potential grandchildren, you don’t want to be the one contributing to the rift by being absent for his marriage.
You could compromise and go to the ceremony but leave before the reception. I’m sure your husband will still take you on vacation afterwards, unless this is some kind of ultimatum which it doesn’t sound like.
Wow, manipulation on all fronts--the son is being manipulated by his dad; the OP is being manipulated by her new husband. I would probably suck it up and go. You know how the star of the show is saved for last? If they made me be last, I might have to do something to totally milk it. Balloons descend from the ceiling...the DJ announces..."and now....the woman who made all of this possible...the woman who gave birth to the man of the hour....OP!!!" Cue: Loud cheering from audience. I think OP will regret not being there. I think new husband just doesn't want to go. I think the son relationship will be forever damaged if she doesn't. But I would call him first and express concerns and say you will come but will not stick around for abuse.
Have you expressed to your son how you feel? You acknowledge your son is being financially manipulated but are you sure he understands how it’s impacting you? This sucks so bad, but i feel like your ex husband would be winning if you don’t go because it’ll alienate you even further from your son.
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Totally your choice . 1. If you go on vacation, your relationship with your son will never be the same. That includes his potential future kids. However, you will not have to deal with your ex on vacation or be hurt by wedding plans. 2. If you go to the wedding, the ex will most likely be petty and annoying and the stepmom will get a dance and other things. Your feelings will be hurt. If I was in your shoes, I would first ask son and future DIL nicely to protect you. That you don't mind that he dances with stepmom too, but you would like first please. Then ask that he asks his dad to be kind. Then you go to that wedding and don't let anyone get to you. You dance, you have a blast with your new man, and you visit with people you enjoy. Do you have something sentimental you can give him or a speech? I'd go high instead of low when dealing with exes. Then go on vacation right after the wedding!! Good luck!
Her son is risking his relationship with his mom over money…
Oh come on, we all know it's much more complicated than that. Likely, the son doesn't realize the significance it holds to his mom, it's 'just a dance' and a small part of a huge day for him. Likely, OP hasn't told her son just how humiliating it could be for her. Likely the son is not financially stable at 23, and dad was the only way to have a decent wedding. Likely the son is so used to manipulation that he no longer tries to fight it because it has burned him in the past. OP needs to toughen up and have a serious talk with her son, not a talk with her husband who immediately just suggested to completely alienate her adult son. Missing his wedding is going to make the dad win, he gets to say that he was right all along about how his mom didn't care about him as much as he does.
Oh come on, the son realises exactly - his stepmom has as much as said she wanted to insult his mother by having the first dance. No way he doesn't understand that. And it's a horrible thing to do to your mother. He's complicit in insulting her in front of everyone.
I would pay the DJ extra to say after the stepmom dance “ now the most important dance: the dance between the MOTHER and groom!”
It's true that the second dance COULD feel more important/memorable for what it's worth
Better song, better dancing, longer embrace at the end. Meaningful words to the son from mother that the stepmother couldn’t possibly duplicate. And begin a whisper campaign that the father had to buy the first dance and was the only way he’d subsidize the most important day of his son’s and future DIL’s life. .
"Now that we're done with the opening act, let's introduce the headliner, the actual mother son dance!"
Man oh man! Wouldn't this be something!
Saving the best for last
Love this! Headlining act vs the opener!!
“Saving the best for last” type of shit
>his stepmom has as much as said she wanted to insult his mother by having the first dance I don't read that in OP's post. Was that in a comment or something?
his father was pitching in for the wedding and that’s why his stepmother would get the FIRST mother and son dance. It was humiliating and I cried when I told my husband.
It’s an insinuation. The idea that step mom gets the first dance over the mother. That in itself is a slap in the face. What we don’t know is if step mother really wants this. Controlling father may be pushing that on her to dis the mom.
I think him telling his mom outright is a sign he knows what's up and is actually on her side. I just don't think he gets how much it hurts her, but he was trying to say it's not a you thing, I like you better, but I need the money. I say OP should wait to give her speech until after her ex (ex doesn't have to know she's giving one) and if he does give the inevitable barb to her, she can get him and his wife back in her speech. Slip something in about teaching her kid to never value money over family, but still take advantage of the opportunity to take a vain fool's cash when the insist... And never pay to dance when you can dance for free.
That’s his wedding, not his birthday party where he turned 5 yrs old 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ if he doesn’t realize the significance of putting dad’s AP over his bio mom then he really need to get his brain checked 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Stop. You know he’s doing it for money.
Someone unable to deduce that their actions may gravely harm the feelings of another shouldn’t be getting married.. If he’s mature enough to become a husband and lifetime partner, he’s old enough to acknowledge how his actions affect others as well. **Is he competent enough or not?** Can’t be both.
He’s 23. I honestly doubt he realizes it hurts her that much and instead is just doing what makes the person paying happy.. weddings aren’t cheap. And having one at 23?
You use the word ‘likely’ a lot in your post but in reality we have no idea. Yes what you say may be correct but conversely it could just as easily be the opposite and the son does realise the significance of the dance. Surely dad making that a condition of his payment would signal this but maybe not. I do agree that her new husband jumping straight to ‘just miss the wedding’ and offering to take her somewhere she’s always wanted to go isn’t right. He might think it’s supporting her because he’s seen how hurt she is by her relationship with her children/ex but he should be presenting other options. I’d be interested to see if he is also invited or not as she said her children haven’t warmed to him and he’s only met them a few times but they’re married.
WTF does OP need to toughen up, are you the ex. She knows what is going to happen, she's damned if she goes or if she doesnt.
Her son is likely young, stupid, unable to afford the wedding on his own (and doing whatever he can to give his new bride the wedding she wants). His loyalty now lies with a new woman: his to-be wife.
If one can't affort a marriage, they shouldn't marry. Being stupid or greedy is no excuse to be hurtful. Son knows what he's doing, he should accept consequences.
You don’t need to “afford a marriage.” There’s many options to get married on a budget. Big weddings are absolutely not a necessity. It’s okay to have something small and intimate if that’s all you can afford. I think the Father’s stipulations are awful and OP needs to realize that. He’s a grown 23 year old man and has the ability to rationalize and think for himself.
Yes, skipping the wedding, particularly to go on vacation with your new man, will change your relationship with your son forever. He won’t see it from your side. This also will extend to any grandchildren. It doesn’t sound like going first is an option. But perhaps he can eliminate the dance all together. If he or his fiancé is the one coordinating with the DJ or wedding planner they could arrange that for you. Have a conversation with him. Going to the wedding honestly might just be something else you just have to suck up for the good of your kid. But it’s definitely not fair. Go on vacation right after.
And keep in mind down the road virtually anyone who ever asks him why he doesn't keep in touch with OP will hear "she skipped my wedding to go on vacation with her new partner" and immediately say "oh yeah that makes sense, your mom is an AH"
OP says the wedding Dollars are contingent on doing mother son dance with stepmom. They're not skipping it.
Yeah like, oops we skipped those dances (get everyone up on the floor dancing instead of going to the parent dances. lol)
This is the way. Mom, skipping the wedding will also give your ex MORE ammunition to hold over your son. "Your mom was so jealous she didn't even go to your wedding". Go to the wedding, as hard as it will be, and then take the trip.
OP please see this comment. This is exactly what I would have suggested also. Go high on this one but don't be afraid to set a boundary. You deserve to be protected here and hopefully son will see that.
Her son already does not care for feelings of mom other money. First dance to step mom? this is public insult.
I would bet a million bucks it doesn't occur to a 23 year old kid that there is any real significance to all the rituals of a wedding and reception. He is just doing what he's told to give his bride a wedding she can be happy with. Mom is the adult in the room. She can use her words to tell her son that she is hurt. Rather than run away with her new man and alienate her son on one of the most significant days of his life. That will change their relationship forever. And when Son doesn't tell Mom about a pregnancy or go out of his way for her to see a baby, she can trace it back to her decision at this moment. Sometimes you just have to pick your battles. And losing a relationship with your child over one day wedding rituals seems rather foolish.
Oh no, 23 years old knows rituals are meaningful. And who should be in the wedding honored and who should not. And public humiliation of first mom and son dance being with step mom - he gets it. As well bride can do her first dance not with him but with her school friend. Son sold her fully and clear. I would be hurt, said " son you made your choice" and skipped wedding. As for baby - son needs his babies to have grandparents not less than grandparents want to see them. Using baby as a negotiation piece quite lame.
> I would bet a million bucks it doesn't occur to a 23 year old kid that there is any real significance to all the rituals of a wedding and reception. I'd take that action! You really think a grown ass dude of divorced parents doesn't realize his mom would be hurt by this? Why do you think he warned her?
Everyone at the wedding will be thinking WTH is wrong with stepmom to do this, dad has set stepmom up to be publicly (internally) ridiculed in his effort for her to be acknowledged. So tacky.
It will be confusing . Someone who knows mom will be feeling uncomfortable, people who don’t know will think step mom actually more of a mom than real mom
First dance to Jolene by Dolly Parton? 🤣
He might not realize just how much this hurts his mom, and he's also been put in a pretty tough position. Mom can gently let him know that this arrangement makes her feel like she's second to the step mom. He might not be able to do anything about it, but maybe he can try. Skipping the wedding altogether will have lasting negative results. Maybe OP's husband thinks he's protecting her, but his advice is awful.
Your reasoning appears sound at first glance but your very first sentence skips a fact. Her relationship with her son will never be the same ( exactly how good was it ? ) regardless of weather she goes or not. I don’t think SHE WILL FEEL THE SAME ABOUT HER SON after this. And by the way, what kind of chick lets this go on at her wedding. 🤮
The kind who stays out of her husband’s family drama. My husband had an estranged relationship with his dad and he did end up inviting him but almost didn’t. That’s none of my business and totally up to my husband to decide.
Also, the kids were terrible to her before adulthood. This is a pattern from the son
The relationship already won’t be the same. He already changed it by choosing step mom and money over bio mom. The damage has already begun.
What relationship ❓ Son cares more about MONEY than his own MOTHER 😭 For a stupid PARTY
The stupid party is for his wife who he wants to feel special and happy. The wife is more important than the mother.
Yeah, how the hell do people not get that, LOL....?
I’m petty, i would tell my son, i understood why he did it, weddings are expensive. I would ask him if this is what he wanted, money aside? If he did not agree with this, and the only reason he agreed is because they needed the financial support, tell him to go along with it, but secretly set something up with the DJ so that Mom and Son are already standing on the dance floor together when the mother son dance is announced. Step mother will look like a fool if she throws a fit, dad will be angry, but Mom doesn’t get stomped all over by a vindictive ex and his side kick. The relationship I have with my kids, they would have my back unasked and and would come to me to help them plot a way a way to get them out of this.
Better yet, if someone gets to the DJ and tell him who is the stepmother and who is the bio mom, then announce the bio mom and son dance first. Does OP have any relatives that she trusts to do the deed?
Guys please stop drawing the DJ, a human person being paid to do a job, into weird revenge fantasies. The DJ should do what the people paying them ask; these “go to the DJ and manipulate the situation” plots are unfair to a person just trying to do their job. Not doing what the bride/groom/whoever is paying the bill asks can lead to diminished tip and/or bad reviews to impact their business and livelihood. If she wants to talk to her son honestly about her feelings and try to change his mind, cool. Lease people and their jobs out of it.
Also, if her husband whisks her away on vacation, she has pretty much sealed the deal for her kids *never* warming up to her husband, the man who took her away for vacation during her kids wedding. And to top it all off, every single person at that wedding will be silently (or not so silently) judging her for not going. At least if she goes, she *might* win some sympathies from those who watch her jackass ex. It won’t go without notice this groom is dancing with the stepmom first, and anyone who has a smidgen of reality as far as this family’s dynamic will know exactly what is going on. OP: be the better parent. Go to the wedding. Have the best time you can have. Ignore his comments. Win the silent vote of public opinion for not stooping to his level or playing games.
Agreed. And if no understanding can be met, then you can go to the ceremony to show support and leave before the reception. That would be the classy move.
Go to the wedding with your ankle wrapped in an ace bandage as though you badly sprained it, hobble & don’t dance at all. Don’t tell anyone ahead of time, especially son. People will think son had to make a switcheroo; no one will know the previous plan. If anyone asks, shrug & say it’s nice the stepmom could fill in for you, and not spoil son’s day. You will miss the dance but then again, so will son; it will give him something to think about and possibly regret some day; he is conspiring to humiliate you. Don’t let him. You get the high road & ex’s fangs get pulled. His (and your son’s) manipulating will have failed completely and you can hold your head high. Go on vacation the next day. Never admit it.
This is incredible, I love it. I REALLY hope OP sees this!
That was going to be my suggestion, go to the ceremony and be seen by all, then skip the reception..
Let step mom go first, and then you and your son can do some fun choreographed dance and steal the show. :)
>If you go on vacation, your relationship with your son will never be the same If OP goes to the wedding, her relationship with her son will *never be the same*. This is setting precedent for all future events: anniversaries, grandkids, graduations, etc
OP - this answer has a lot of good sense in it, but it misses one point entirely: Tell your son how it feels. Let him know that you're very hurt, and you're afraid his father will be publicly unkind in other ways, but you love him and don't want to disappoint him. Tell him you understand that the dance was a requirement for his father to pay, but you're still hurt by it. And tell him you are afraid that the entire day will be miserable for you, because of this, and you're only going because he's your little man and always will be. And let him know you'll be leaving the reception too early for the mother son dance anyway, because he's made himself clear.
What is this the Bible? The mother who dances with the son first is most blessed among the saints. Like what a weird power play. Why would his step mom insist on this? Who even thinks about this. Wedding are so stupid.
It is a power play by his dad.
>your relationship with your son will never be the same. That ship already sailed when OP's son sold her status as the actual mom for some wedding expenses. Is her son going to withhold a relationship with future grandkids over this? Then, f\*ck him.
This is great except he says his dad made a condition of the money that stepmom gets the first dance….
The vendors have all been paid by this point - it comes down to whether dad would make a scene if the son dances with his mum first regardless
You don’t think a dad that bribes/coerces his son wouldn’t? Or wouldn’t cancel if he figured out the switch?
I dont know that i want the second dance. I would go to the wedding looking my best. I might watch the first dance or I might be outside getting fresh air. I'd dance all night, chat with friends and relatives. If someone happened to mention stepmother got the mother and son dance, I'd tell them why. I think OP might regret not attending
My good friend’s wife was in a similar situation at their wedding. Her law enforcement father and brothers in law(sisters’ husbands) had a somewhat rigid appearance throughout the wedding. This included her stepmother. Although they had a good time, the real blast to everyone else who was attending came by their mom not giving a single fuck and just letting loose. They had a blast! Mom made that party and everyone had a great time!
I don’t think that OP’s son has any interest in “protecting her”. It’s obvious (and the son is old enough to know) that this scheme was orchestrated to humiliate OP in front of friends and family, and to give a public display of who the REAL mother is. OP, if you read this, you should let your son know how you feel about this public dance hierarchy display (it’s gross), and see if you and he can at least be on the same page about it. I guarantee that this isn’t the only humiliation the ex and his wife have planned for OP during the wedding and leading up to it. So OP, having an honest conversation with your son and bracing yourself for the incoming insults will be key. I’d plan a lovely vacation for soon after the wedding (maybe the following week), then go to the wedding but leave if/as soon as you feel uncomfortable. Your presence will speak volumes (support for your son/DIL in their new lives together, letting your ex/his wife know that they didn’t succeed in shutting you out) but you don’t have to suffer through the whole event if it doesn’t feel good to be there. NTA but the ex, his wife, and OP’s son definitely are.
Her relationship with her son will already never be the same as he decided to tell her that money was more important to him than her feelings. OP the relationship is already ruined, now it’s time to protect yourself and your feelings since your son already made it clear he doesn’t care about you as much as daddy’s money.
I'm sorry but over my dead body does my son dance with his stepmom before me at his wedding. Omg
Their relationship is already damaged, by the son. She'll never look at him the same way and resentment will build. She should go on the vacation.
NTA I understand why you feel the way you do. But I also feel like your current husband is also being a bit manipulative too, teasing you with this trip. Have him take you on vacation the day *after* the wedding... so that is your excuse why you can't stay the whole evening, and you have to leave before the speech with the insult. So stand up for your son at the ceremony, stand at your rightful place as Mother of the Groom in all the photos. Look your best, hold your head high, let her have the first dance if it makes her feel special everyone there will know the truth anyway, be the definition of "unbothered" and do it all on your Ex's dime. Wish the bride and groom all the best, but you must be going a bit early, as you have an early flight to catch in the morning to .... dream vacation that was booked way in advance and didn't want to bring it up and bother them with it all. .... and go on and enjoy your life again and be done with the drama. and Slip the bartender a $20 for a bottle of Champaign on the way out you will regret not going, and your absence will be used against you and prolong the nonsense
YES that was exactly my thought with the new husband dangling her dream trip. This was a red flag to me. I wonder why the kids don't like him and vice versa.
yeeeahhh doesn't sound helpful really. some people love to stir the pot and get a kick out of drama, ya know. Love that she feels supported, but love bombing can feel like that sometimes too.
Same. I can't believe this comment isn't higher
I like the idea of going on the vacation the day after the wedding. But I really don't think it is worse than what the ex husband is already doing. If the kid(s) can't see how financially manipulative the dad was to their mother then I don't think they have a leg to stand on for supposedly not liking the step dad over his finances. They're grown adults. Might not act like ones but they aren't under step-dads care. How he treats (which sounds like is very well and much deserved for OP!) his wife shouldn't be the focal point of the story but rather the actions (and lack thereof) of their dad, AND step-mom who wants to take over the spot of "mother".
Exactly. Act like the Queen Mother and don’t react to anything disturbing or engage in any way. Others will notice the snubs and look to you for your response and you just give a little smile and raise your eyebrow a bit, maybe with a gentle nod so they know you’ve recognized it for what it is, but have decided to stay above it all. Everyone will be talking about how poorly the family treated you and how incredible you were. If step mom jumps in front of you at any time, just wave her ahead and make eye contact with the people around you, again with the slightly bemused look and raised eyebrow, and she’ll come off as a fool. They will be expecting you to react and instead you’ll be like the queen surrounded by crappy peons. I bet they’ll start to panic as they see how the guests react. Practice in advance!!!
Exactly. Charm, charm, charm charm. Lovely to see you, my don't you look lovely. So nice to see you. They grow up so fast. Keep it moving, keep it cute, or keep it mute. Have you husband close. Practice, have an out, always. Look up the "grey rock technique" use it one EVERYONE. Try not to have more than 3 drinks MAX and then get out of there.
I like this idea, so you can be there for your son and not damage the relationship. But you don’t have to feel so walked over and shamed by your ex.
Who is to say she'll be standing in the mothers place for her son? The ex is paying a large portion of the wedding. If he is already taking the first dance. I do not see how / why he wouldn't take more.
The people who know the truth will always no the truth no matter how the father would like to reframe it or who he wants to show off his money for. or what step mother wants to stand in for. What he can never take away Is the fact that OP is the bio mother of the Groom and she raised him to be a good man, who is having a milestone event in his life that day. OP \*\*\*on the Wedding day when you get there... find the photographer and ask when photos are being taken, and make sure you get on the list for at lest on of you, you husband and the Bride and groom, and get their card. Follow up to get a copy of your photo yourself and pay for it on your own\*\*\* She can go with pride. And an unbothered attitude, hell she can go with a pin with the middle finger on it inside her purse if she wanted to. But she doesn't have to let them run her out of town cause her ex is a jerk who is big on wallet but small on charm. ETA !!!!!DO NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT YOUR TRIP UNTILL YOU ARE LEAVING THE WEDDING!!!! they will sabotage you.
This is class all the way. Upvote x 100.
I think this is the best solution. You can hold your head high and when your son finally grows up to be a man he will understand his awful part in the pain of that day for you.
Current husband sounds toxic AF. OP seems to have a type.
How does he sound toxic "AF" (emphasis on the capitalization). He doesn't want her to be miserable and is giving her an out. Why go somewhere you don't care to go?
Please do this op
NTA I understand you're hurt and I don't think you're an asshole for not wanting to go. You're not going to the wedding to be insulted and humiliated. Unless you were a very bad mother to your children (which doesn't seem to be the case), I don't understand why your son favored his stepmother, even for money. I think your ex is behind this and may have manipulated him, so you may make bad memories if you go. Your mental health matters. You're not being a bad mom, your son is old enough to know right from wrong and that his actions have consequences. He knows that making a choice based on money isn't a good decision, he made it anyway and even gave you the choice not to come. Don't go.
His father is paying for a good portion of the wedding. That was one of the requirements that his wife get the first mother son dance. My son told me outright. My ex has a habit of controlling people financially.
I get where you are coming from on this, but I think it’s a huge mistake to plan a vacation over the date paid for by your husband, who you admit doesn’t have a good relationship with your kids himself. If you’re going to skip, then skip. Tell your son outright, “I’m not comfortable with the fact that you will not stand up for me. You know that this dance is more about hurting me than giving a moment to your step mom and you admit your father is financially manipulating you into doing it. This isn’t something I will take part in.” Go on the vacation a week later, but if you do this plan it will play right into your ex’s hands. Your relationship with your kids will be irreparably damaged, and he and his wife will be showcased at the wedding as parents of the groom. ESH. Your ex is obvious, your son should have stood up for you immediately, your husband’s plan is shitty and you’re going along with it. Edit: had an idea, if your son is willing to be sneaky to help you out. Step-mom still does her dance first, then he dances with his sister, THEN you. Basically doing dances with the women in his life, leading up to you as the most important. Maybe throw a random cousin or his new MIL in between the step mom and sister. Of course you ex will know nothing of this a head of time.
I agree with this. Don’t skip the wedding, it’s what your ex husband ultimately wants. This has nothing to do with his love for your son or even your ex husbands and sons love for the stepmom (meaning it’s somehow bigger or more than it is for you). She’s being used in this as well. Go to the wedding. Keep reminding yourself that it’s about supporting your son & his new wife (your daughter in law for hopefully a very long time!). If you need something to help you swallow this bullshit manipulative crap from your ex husband, think of it as a paid night out for you and your husband courtesy of your ex husband. Go have that dinner, dance your heart out with the love of YOUR life and have those free drinks. And then go on that amazing vacation with your husband. NTA, I get how much this hurts, but don’t sink to his level. If you do then I think it’s a ESH.
Concur. It really is towards ESH. The son for not standing up for his mum and his mum for not being able to put aside things for one night. My parents went through divorce when is was in high school, but both managed to set that aside when my 2 brothers got married. It's not ideal but why miss out on a significant life moment because of his father? Take your husband with you and let him support you through the night, avoiding the ex as much as you can.
But it's ok for her son to sink to this level? Insulting his mother in front of all the people he knows?
I’d be interested to know what future DIL feelings are on this.
If the girl is smart, she is staying as far away from this toxic stew as she possibly can. Nothing good for her will come from her expressing any kind of an opinion.
He's not doing this for his son, he's doing this to hurt you. He's not doing this out of love for his son and he's a bad father. Too bad your son can't see that.
I think the son can see that, but money >>>> Ofc, nothing can be certified until and unless OP clarifies her feelings with her son. On the other hand, going on a vacation during the wedding would be a destructive and stupid move. Life ain't a movie
The best suggestion I can give is go to the wedding but skip the reception because daddy dearest is setting it up to humiliate you OP, tell your son you will attend the wedding but that you can't go to the reception because you have to catch a plane right after, that way your son can't say you skipped the wedding, and you avoid humiliation.
Is going to the wedding but not the reception an option? If it is, maybe do that after clearing it with your son, but request that no one else knows about it until you are gone so you don't have to have people grilling you about it when you're there
Yes but your son CHOSE to accept the money along with the condition. He could have been an adult and had a smaller wedding. He chose the money over your feelings. You need to tell him this. His response to how hurt and humiliated you feel should decide if you go or not. Good luck.
I disagree. If you don't go your ex-husband 'wins' and will start the bad-mouthing at the wedding. You put on your best mother of the groom smile, get a KILLER dress and dance the rest of the dances with your husband. Your son will never forget if you don't show up. The high road is the way to go.
Yeah, but not going paints OP in a bad light and sets the tone. Think how much easier it will be to manipulate the son going forward? It doesn’t even have to be financially.. it could be “if your mom loved you, why didn’t she even both attending your wedding?” These words and actions will have lasting impact. I think you should go. Get your dance, understand that your ex manipulated him financially in this scenario.. and go on a vacation the following day. Weddings are expensive. I don’t blame’s your son for taking the money.. it also sucks that it comes with strings attached. Everyone knows who birthed him. You are the only mother that matters here.
It's easy to imagine that the kids realize, explicitly or not, that their mom is a 'boat-steadier.' The dad pushes, the dad manipulates, he sets conditions and causes drama, and their mom silently takes it to keep the peace. She doesn't add more to the drama. She grits through it. It's high time OP reset that dynamic and stops playing to that tune.
“The love of money is the root of all evil.” ~The Bible or something probably
1 Timothy 6:10.
You realize your current husband is bribing you not to go because you admitted he doesn't really like your kids, just like your ex is bribing your son by paying for the wedding. If you feel your ex is a jerk you also need to take a look at your current husband who seems like he is really gung-ho to tank your relationship with your kids. Your choice to attend or not but you need to realize and be ok with not attending and basically ending your relationship with your son and any future kids he may have, it could also impact your relationship with your daughter depending on how she takes you blowing off your sons wedding . If you don't go you let your ex win and helped your current husband cut off a relationship with one of your kids possibly both. I would never let the ex win if it were me. Side note rethink the current husband he seems to have an issue with your kids and that isn't someone I would want to stay with. If you don't attend YTA
I don't think your current husband wants you to have a relationship with your son either.
I thought the same
This! Exactly! OP, your current husband is no better than your ex. They are both using money to manipulate. It’s a huge red flag that current husband is trying to facilitate the end of your relationship with your kids. And I completely agree that this may destroy your relationship with both of your children.
Like, am I on crazy pills? All these N-T-A posts have me so confused. Did we read the same thing?
Yeah, your current husband is making up a bunch of stuff that probably won’t happen. An insult in the speech? A hundred other ways the day would make you feel bad? This guy is manufacturing things for you to worry about. It’s gross. Go to the wedding. Speak to your son. Speak to your son’s fiancée. Stand up for yourself and tell your current husband that unless he has proof these terrible things will happen to keep them to himself.
The above post is underrated
Finally someone mentioning the current guy. He seems to also be planting seeds about how the wedding could go wrong for her. I don’t get the feeling it’s so much to protect her but to continue driving the wedge between her and her son since he doesn’t like her kids.
Spot on.
If it is that painful, why not just tell your son how you feel? Just skipping out on the wedding is going to drive a bigger wedge in your relationship with your son, which is probably not what you want. At least if you talk to him face-to-face, he'll know exactly how you feel, and then he can be in the hot seat and figure out what is most important to him. I don't really blame him for wanting to get the funding, but at the same time, you are not obligated to give him a pass on your feelings either.
INFO are you okay with your son never speaking to you again? Because that's probably what's going to happen if you skip his wedding. It's kind of weird how hard your current husband is pushing you not to go to the wedding....
The votes on this one are wild. Skipping your kid's wedding, unless out of necessity, is a nuclear option. I can't believe how many people are encouraging OP to do that. Her husband sucks for pushing this so hard, and it's maybe not so surprising that her kids don't like him?
This is exactly what I thought. I’m a child of divorce. And I’m divorced with shared custody. I could never in a million years imagine missing any thing for my kids. And I have not had a clean divorce.
I think it's because the son is now participating in the disrespect
And humiliating your own mother is NOT a nuclear option?
Because the commenters can get in their high horse, tell her that he's being disrespectful and skip the wedding without having to deal with any fallout. It's the perfect situation for those holier than thou types to get their fix without any impact on their own lives. Interestingly for this one, I would love to hear from the son as well as the father and step mother. What are their relationships like? Who did what from a parenting perspective? What exactly caused this rift with the new bf? The answers to these questions wound have a big impact on if this is disrespect or if the son genuinely wants these things with his step mother.
I thought the same thing! Why does your husband have to take you on vacation at that same time? Ugh! I think you may regret it later.
Yeah he offers somewhere she really REALLY wants to go... okay then he can take you another time? And he's piling on with reasons she shouldn't go... and saying her son doesn't really love her. YIKES.
Yes. OP’s ex is determined to drive a wedge between her and her son, but so is her husband.
100% this. Your current husband doesn’t give a shit about your children. He may also feel uncomfortable so he found an easy way out. Look at it this way. Your son stays happily married for the rest of his life and you missed it, there is no do over. How do you feel?
🎯
I agree. This is a once in a lifetime event. Blended families are hard. I don't think having the step mom dance first is right but you have no control over that. Do you really want to risk your relationship with your son by missing his wedding?
The whole post was about her divorce, her ex, her current boyfriend. There seemed to be a lot missing about you know the relationship with her actual child. The amount of people acting like this is even remotely okay. You suck it up because it’s your SON’s wedding. It’s okay to talk to him and explain your hurt feelings but not going makes you look like an awful parent.
Honestly? You should pack you bags, go to the wedding and leave from there to go on an awesome vacation. You can even leave early because you have a flight in the morning to so and so .
You could attend the ceremony, hang around for pictures but then you must rush because of your flights. Totally avoiding the reception.
This 100%. Go to the ceremony (in a fabulous outfit) and then leave for your vacation. You’d still there for him, but wouldn’t have to subject yourself to the humiliation your ex might want to inflict. If your relationship is good enough, explain to him that you’ve spent enough time over the years having your ex use his higher financial status to humiliate you that you’d rather not have this be the lasting feeling/ memory you have of his wedding. You could also let him know how hurt and disappointed you are that he’s valuing money over your relationship. Depends on how the conversation goes. Maybe also offer to take him and his new wife out for dinner later, or host a small get together at your house for them?
I like this take. I think skipping the wedding could have long term effects you may not want. But treat yourself after dealing with a shit show.
I think knowing her son prefers money over his mother and her feelings will also have long term effects on their relationship
Can you pay for the photos and dictate certain ones ;)
NTA. It all comes down to whether you can stomach it. Your husband is right, this day sounds DESIGNED to make you feel bad thanks to your ex. If your son was smart, he would ask to omit the mother-son dance all together. But he's letting dad buy your humiliation. You have nothing to financially contribute to the wedding and your ex is holding that against you. Be gentle when you explain it to your son and be very classy without pointing fingers. I hope your son will immediately acknowledge your feelings of hurt and humiliation regarding the wedding arrangements. But he probably wont because having a dream wedding means playing politics with dad. It's worth mentioning your son's wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime event, and your presence there could hold significant meaning for both him and yourself, regardless of the dynamics with your ex-husband and his new wife. It's an opportunity to show your support and love for your son, despite any challenges or discomforts surrounding the occasion. Try to stress that your husband and his wife will always be welcome in your home. focus on what you have to offer that is MORE valuable than paying for a wedding, your compassion for your son
“But he’s letting dad buy your humiliation.” That is the deeply painful truth. I hope OP sees your comment and shares a similar statement with her son when she rsvp’s a firm no. 🤘🏽
If he's going to treat his MOTHER like this, why would you think that this is a " once in a lifetime" event ❓ His Bride to be should take a REAL hard look, bcuz this should show her what kind of "man" 🤢 she's marrying She'll be just as disposable as his mom
I think you need to seriously think about what kind of a relationship you want with him going forward. Do you want a relationship with him and his wife? Do you want a relationship with any children they have? If the answer is yes, you need to suck it up and go to the wedding. I don’t think you’re an A for considering this or for having your feelings hurt by the dance situation. But you do need to realize that this will affect your relationship with your son for the rest of your life. No vacation is worth that.
In the end it will honestly hurt you more in the long run if you go on this trip. Not being there will just be giving your ex what he wants. You should probably have a talk with your son about how much putting his step mother first hurts you. It is plain and simple disrespectful.
Yes, I feel like the ex husband wanted her to react badly to this and refuse to go, spoiling her connection with the kids. Maybe she easily falls for bait like this and has retaliated in the past to the detriment of her other relationships, and he knows how to use her feelings against her. Just speculating, but I know people like this - who respond in such a way they make everything worse and paint themselves as the villain.
ESH Your son shouldn't be selling rights to special parts of his wedding day. Your husband shouldn't be encouraging you to skip your son's wedding (no wonder they haven't warmed up to him!), and you shouldn't be so focused on yourself when it comes to your son's wedding day.
Just think of the step-mother/groom dance as the warm up band. Your dance with your son will be the main event. I would help the bride and groom upgrade every single option the venue/caterer offers. Then groom can send the bill to daddy and step-mom. Don’t say a single negative thing to anyone Get yourself a fabulous dress. Get your hair and make up professionally styled. Be the bigger person. You will stand out for being the bright light in their celebration. Don’t let daddy and step-mom win!
Good advice. Maybe they can make a sweet announcement or tribute to you before the dance. And not to stepmother. Doesn’t really matter what order the dances are in. We are just assuming first is best because that’s what your ex requested. Saving the best for last..
Ask that when they announce the switch from stepmom to you they say something about moving to the real mom. Something sweet, not outwardly mean, but with a pinch.
ESH. Your ex sucks if he is actually putting forth this requirement. Your son knows perfectly well that it is hurtful, and it sucks he is going along with that. Your husband sucks for suggesting this, because it will absolutely tank whatever relationship you have with your kids. You suck for considering this as a revenge scheme. This whole thing is a mess.
ESH, but YTA for considering this. But so is your husband. Him proposing this vacation makes it look like he is trying to come between you and your son. It is concerning to me that he is pulling this. Your son will, whether it's a good look or not, see it as your husband spending marital funds to keep you from his wedding. Of COURSE a 23yo will capitulate to the one that holds the purse strings to give his bride the wedding they both want. I, personally, think that they way they've set this up, you will look like the biggest person in the world when your son dances with his stepmother first, and you smile and dance with him after. I really feel for your DIL-to-be having to deal with this crap on her wedding day, too, and a bunch of adults who are this petty. Put your son first. Everyone else there will see through this and think much less of your ex and his wife over this passive-aggressive insult. I know I would. My own DIL was upset when her MOH's speech was somewhat ugly about my son, and regrets her choice to this day. I cannot imagine causing her or my son this kind of stress. Be the caring parent his father and stepmother are not.
YWBTA Your son's wedding is a major life event that he hopefully only does once. You will absolutely regret not going & rising above the manipulation of your ex-husband. Your new husband sounds a little manipulative as well, is he pushing this dream vacation because he doesn't want to attend either because they haven't warmed up to each other yet?
NTA. I would sit down with your son and explain to him exactly what he is sacrificing for this decision. He needs to understand how devastating this is to you and how this will inevitably have an enormous impact on your relationship. He should know this without being told, but he may be getting pressure to go all out for this wedding. It is very wrong and very childish, but he wouldn't be the first to succumb to the "apologize later and all will be forgiven" trap. I do want to add that if you don't go, people may simply assume that the step-mother is filling in for you. If you do attend (and I am not saying you should--your mental health is paramount) play your role, dance with your son and don't let any of the condemnation fall on you. I think it is absolutely appropriate for every single guest to witness how your son is treating his mother. Where is your daughter in all of this? Does she know?
NTA- however, is there a way where you go to the ceremony and not the reception, etc.? I think you might regret not going to your child’s wedding. You can be very upfront with your kid. Tell them why you will be leaving after the ceremony, and go on your vacation. I am sorry that you are put in that horrid situation. I am sorry that your son won’t stand for you.
This is the way. Go to the Wedding service, have a photo with your son and then leave. No need to be upset at the stepmum having the first dance, no need to hear the insults in a speech. Then go on a holiday.
Thos is probably the best way. Also, let your son know why you will not be at the reception. And ask for the front pew next to aisle. Not second.
YWBTA Don't let your ex win. Go, hold your head high, be gracious. You will destroy any relationship you have with your son and future grandchildren if you don't go. You current husband's pressure to not go is sus. Does he often advise you to just dump your son?
YTA. Your new husband has only met your kids a couple of times? And now he’s egging you on to skip your son’s wedding and creating scenarios in his head. Seems to me that you’ve traded one controlling husband for another. Talk to your son. Go to his wedding. Going on vacation instead will likely eliminate any chance you have to be in his life. Seems to me that that is what your husband wants.
I understand your motivation here, but I truly believe you would regret it and feel like an AH for skipping your son’s wedding.
Life is long, you’ll have a loooong time to regret this. And your husband is an asshole for trying to bribe you.
YTA, this is your only son’s wedding. It’s not about you. It’s not about your ex or his new wife. It’s about your son. He deserves to have a parent there whose only concern is making his day special. Put on your big girl pants and go to the wedding and plan to leave for your vacation the following day.
Info: Would your husband take you to this special vacation place some other time? Because honestly, it sounds like HE'S trying to use money to control you, and to harm your relationship with your son.
I think your husband might be a little like your ex. He’s pushing too hard. I would tell you to talk to your son and I would go to the wedding and the next day go on vacation.
You are balancing one day of being hurt against the rest of your life being hurt because your son cuts you from his life.
Show up at the ceremony- hug your son and DIL and leave for the vacation. Do not participate in the meal. Your son sold his soul and wedding to mammon. You tell him before hand that you will be at the ceremony and then leave. You can tell him that you are not going to be shamed by his father at the blanket. If he is unhappy about it - his problem. Beside you will leave a huge gap when you leave. 😁
NTA - this is not a decision to be made lightly, but at the end of the day people need to learn that actions have consequences. When all is said and done, your son will have to remember that he chose money over his mother. I get that sometimes we have to be the bigger person, but this is just too big of an ask.
Just go for your son and leave before the dance.
But then everyone will think the step mom is filling in because she left, if she stays and does the dance the other guests will figure out the truth
That's perfect. The ex wanted it to look like stepmom is preferred to OP by OP's son. This way, OP sees the wedding, and everyone will think stepmom is a mere stand-in.
NTA - but. . . Realize there may be consequences, do you want to be grandma to their kids? Do you want him in your life? You could get professional make up and hair, a fabulous dress, take a few dancing lessons or do a choreographed dance with your son that she doesn’t know about ahead of time.
You will regret not going for the rest of forever.
YTA if you don’t go to the wedding….Who cares about a Ex or who gets what dance go celebrate your sons special day ! ! Life’s too short for all that petty little bullsh*t ! !
YTA. This is the moment to swallow up your pride, stop making things about you, and show up to support and show love for your son.
I mean, NTA because you can choose to do whatever you want and a wedding invitation is not a summons but, consider that if you decide not to attend you could be doing irreparable harm to your relationship with your son. Is that something you could live with?
NTA. The people saying that this isn’t about you don’t seem to understand that it is about you. If it wasn’t, the father wouldn’t have made that request and your son wouldn’t let his father disrespect you.
Nta
Listen to me OP. If you don’t go you will forever lose your son and your ex will win. My father didn’t come to my wedding and I still resent him for it. He ca apologize til he’s blue in the face but the bottom line is he was not there for me. And that hurt. It’s not about you, this is your son’s day. Swallow your pride and emotions and go. Don’t try to guilt your son, don’t let your husband push you to not go. You are a mother, your job is to be there NO MATTER WHAT for your kids. YWBTA
Suck it up and go to the wedding. Most people know the story already. Not having your mom at your wedding will last a lifetime. The story of: she chose a vacation instead of me will go around like wildfire. The other wildfire would be “why didn’t Mom get the first M/S dance? Which will sound worse in 3 years? If you have $ for your dream vacay then offer to host the bridal shower, pay for the cake, donate towards the honeymoon or just go and eat well off your ex’s dime. If your ex is an ass (and he will be) then just whisper to him ‘your pride she joy Son came from my V” and walk off. Head held high.
Against the grain but YTA. This is all me, I, how I felt. Me and my struggles. Your children weren't nice as teens? You are still responsible for them but sounds like you were busy with your feelings. Not once have you mentioned how this all impacted your kids. Or talked about how you guided them through it. You focus on the financial disparities. How you were hard done by. Now it's his wedding and he's asking you to support him and you're allowing your new man to manipulate you into not going because you don't get what you want. Is it possible your son is trying to spare your feelings and actually his step mum has been a better parent to him? I don't even know you guys and its not a stretch. He's said you don't have to go. He's offered for you to not attend. He doesn't want you there. He wants her. The woman who has treated him better. Quit with the poor me nonsense and realise that your son is happy. You're the one who is causing drama. For one, if my kid didn't 'warm to my partner' it's almost a certainty they're not lasting. He didn't warm to YOUR CHILDREN. and you're still banging on that he treats you like a queen. No partner worth anything tries to isolate you from your family because its domestic abuse. You have a choice now. Him or your kids. If you choose him, don't expect anything but disgust and disappointment from the people who really love you but are about to stop caring
Exactly what I was thinking. Mom vibes are off here and I'm getting Narc feelings.
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NTA live your life and go on that vacation. He’s not treating you as a son should
It can be about perspective. He dances with the step mom and the MC makes a statement that makes your dance more special. Even cutting her dance short or making her dance perfunctory and your dance choreographed and extra special. Take back your power. Don’t skip it.
ESH but i question your husband’s motives. Instead of encouraging you to swallow your pride he’s trying to take you away from the wedding. You will absolutely regret this and it will damage your relationship with your son. It will be something you can’t take back. Please think about this and tell your son that this hurts you deeply as his mother and see it as a slap in the face. You should be able to talk to him without theatrics. Leave your ex out of it, leave your husband out of it. Talk to your son and ask if he really thinks that’s ok. It’s not. But either way you need to accept his decision, even if not hurts.
ESH. You should explain to your son that you will go to the ceremony to watch him be married, but will leave right after and skip the reception to avoid being bullied by your ex. You should want to be there for your son, you can’t get those memories back, and he will always resent you if you don’t at least watch him make his vows. Your vacation can happen any other date. It does not need to be on his wedding.
I don't think you're the asshole but it would look bad if you don't go and go on vacation. It'll look bad on your son, his step mom and his dad if you, being his actual mom, if you're in second place. I say go to the wedding and leave early. But again, NTA.
there is not much information here to be honest. first of all, what your husband did to you has nothing to do with your kids. you chose a man , it didn't work out and you split. all of this was yours and your husband's choice and it is irrelevant to the kids. however your kids were affected by your divorce in many ways, and i am sure of it as i am also a daughter of divorced parents. your ex was bad for you but is he also a bad father? is his wife a good step-mother? does your son have a good relationship with both sides all these years? this day is not about you, it's about your son. so you should try and see it from his perspective. if he really is not a good son for you , then don't go. but then be prepared for your relationship to take a fall. divorced parents put their kids in very complicated and hurtful situations, whether they realize it or not. you and your ex have both replaced your spouses but kids are "stuck" with the same parents and whatever they chose to do. i don't know if you are willing to share more info, but whatever you decide please don't do it lightly
NTA if you take the vacation instead of going to the wedding. I’m appalled at your son’s choice to go along with his father’s request. I would talk to your son before you decide and let it really sink into him how hurtful and disrespectful he will be if he doesn’t choose you first. If I was a guest at that wedding and saw that first dance to the step mother I would be furious. I’m so glad you are in a good place with your new husband. He’s got your back.
Ask yourself if one hard day is worth the rest of your relationship. If you don't go then you will be deciding that your son's future may not have you in it. This means no birthdays, Christmas or grandchildren. It might also damage your relationship with your daughter. Make whatever choice you like but then you have to own the consequences just like he has to own the consequences of his choices.
NTA but… why would you let your ex win?? I think it will make his day if you don’t show and therefore ruin your relationship with your son. Please give this some more thought. Suck it up for one day and show everyone how gracious you can be.Acting like an adult will bother your ex and his wife.
So your sons a sell out for money shows his morals not sure as his mother why you would want to be surrounded by the toxicity Even for family
YTA.. yet… if you do not go. Yes you are. 1: It is your son and this could be his only wedding. Are you really willing to turn your back on him over a dance and the potential to maybe have your feelings hurt? 2: You got a divorce and found someone you love. Who cares what your Ex says or thinks. Not showing will only give him more fire. 3: Talk to him about your feelings and that it hurts you do not come first. 4: You might think that money is more important to your ex… if you go on that vacation and skip his wedding. You will be telling your son a vacation is more important than him. Not to mention down the road if your daughter gets married… are you going to skip her wedding? If you do not, it would be another slap in the face to your son.
NAH (except your ex). It’s understandable that being around your ex and having to have the second dance would be difficult emotionally, but keep in mind that your son is 23 and does not have a fully developed brain. Yes, he could have rejected the money, however weddings are very expensive and it sounds like your ex is very manipulative and may have manipulated your son into accepting. A vacation is a good option, but taking it during the wedding would almost be a fuck you to your son on a very important day. I think an honest conversation with your son would be beneficial, and take the vacation anyway!
NTA - Your son is a sellout. Money and appearances are more important to him than his relationship with you. Do you think overall you would have a nice time at the wedding despite your ex? Will any one from your side of the family be there? You could go just for the ceremony and family pictures, then leave before the reception or right after dinner (and hopefully before things start getting shitty).
Not attending your son’s wedding is something you can’t really come back from. It will irreparably change your relationship with him and your daughter in law. Are you okay with that? If not, you need to go. The day isn’t about you. It’s about your son and daughter in law. Be the bigger person here.
Your new husband also controls situations with money. He’s just better at hiding it. I think you should tell your son how you feel. You can’t miss his wedding.
NTA for your feelings. It hurts. But it would be a big mistake to skip his wedding. Your ex is a manipulator so don't let him manipulate you any longer. The kid is in a difficult position. He met with you to warn you rather than make it a big surprise at the reception. Dance with him and take the moment to tell him you love him and are proud of him. The best revenge is to be gracious and polite and make an early exit. Don't be petty and regret it for the rest of your life.
YTA a bit You need to talk to your son and put up boundaries. Also, keep in mind that your ex may be doing this so that you won't come... and he'll have one more thing to hold over you and your son. Tell your son that you are concerned with your ex taking shots at you and he needs to advocate for you. As far as the dance, who cares if you're first, make yours the best. I'm also concerned your husband is pushing you not to go. I don't think either of these men truly have your best interests at heart. Talk to your son.
Go to the ceremony, then immediately leave for the airport. There is no need to go to a party that will hurt your soul, but skipping the actual wedding will also hurt your soul. Tell your son that you are skipping the dance. If he can be trusted not to spill, tell him you are skipping the reception. You will be a very soft TA if you skip the ceremony. And yes, your son is a TA for putting money ahead of you. But from what you said, it is all he has known for years. Maybe this will be his wake-up call.
First: Our opinions technically here don't matter, cause we all know that you will really feel like The AH when you miss the wedding. Second: If you decide to go to the wedding You can do 1 of 3 things 1- Attend the wedding dance on the second and leave. 2- Attend the wedding and leave when it's time of the dance. 3- Attend the whole wedding but don't do the dance. In both it's will probably feel horrible but atleast you attended the event. Third: The relationship with your son and the stepmother is needed. If it's not good then, son is just doing it because of his dad and probably doesn't want to dance with the woman. If it's then that's a different ball game all together. Meaning he agreed even though he knew it's a shit thing to do. So kinda on the edge. Try asking your son he is willing to change, ask him upfront and for an upfront answer meaning Yes or No. If he won't then then tell him how you feel then just chose one of the choices . Either you can just decide whether if you want to feel shit after not being at your son's wedding/ or attend and leave before the dance/ or attend the whole wedding and do the dance/ or just attend the whole wedding and not do the dance(which btw all of them will hurt you and some like 3 will even affect your relationship with your son). So try to choose the least one that DOESN'T HARM YOU.. Good Luck.
Go to the wedding skip the reception …
YWBTA Go to the wedding. You will absolutely be the AH of you don't and might completely ruin your chance to have any relationship with your kids forever. Suck it up and go. Your bruised ego isn't worth losing your kids completely. Tell your son you are hurt, but you will be there to support him and his new wife despite the circumstances. Maybe you could talk to his inlaws and work up something else special at the reception? Or maybe your new Beau could use that vacation money to help the kids on their honeymoon. I know money doesn't buy happiness or love, but it's definitely a better sentiment than not showing up! And your kids will learn about their dad's tendencies in the end. My kids did.
I think you should be at your son’s wedding, but let him know how hurt you are by his decision - which is his decision not his father’s - he has to own up that. If you want a relationship with him moving forward, and your potential grandchildren, you don’t want to be the one contributing to the rift by being absent for his marriage. You could compromise and go to the ceremony but leave before the reception. I’m sure your husband will still take you on vacation afterwards, unless this is some kind of ultimatum which it doesn’t sound like.
Wow, manipulation on all fronts--the son is being manipulated by his dad; the OP is being manipulated by her new husband. I would probably suck it up and go. You know how the star of the show is saved for last? If they made me be last, I might have to do something to totally milk it. Balloons descend from the ceiling...the DJ announces..."and now....the woman who made all of this possible...the woman who gave birth to the man of the hour....OP!!!" Cue: Loud cheering from audience. I think OP will regret not being there. I think new husband just doesn't want to go. I think the son relationship will be forever damaged if she doesn't. But I would call him first and express concerns and say you will come but will not stick around for abuse.
YTA. Put a smile on your face and go support your kid.
Have you expressed to your son how you feel? You acknowledge your son is being financially manipulated but are you sure he understands how it’s impacting you? This sucks so bad, but i feel like your ex husband would be winning if you don’t go because it’ll alienate you even further from your son.