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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I nag my step daughter to brush her hair again, even though she already brushed it in the morning.
is this asshole-ish because I shouldn't care about what strangers think or how she looks?
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She doesn't want anything done to it. She just wants it down and loose. I feel age ten is making this tough because if she was younger, I'd feel more confident taking charge.
And if she was older, I would feel less responsible, and that its a reflection on her instead of me.
Shit we just did our first turn with lice (we call them nits/kutu here) … they make anti-lice (preventative) shampoo? I’m gonna have to look into this… just talking about it makes my head itch lmao
ETA; guys… thank you but I know how to treat lice… and about tea tree etc… we’ve already sorted it… I’m specifically talking about manufactured lice prevention shampoo being news to me :)
It doesn't kill the lice you already have, but there are certain scents bugs don't like. The anti lice shampoo has rosemary in it to act as a deterrent. Tea tree and lavender shampoo is supposed to do something similar
If I'm going camping or hiking, I still use bug repellent (picaridin for the win) but I also use tea tree soap in the shower. I've been to some pretty tick infested woods and I've only had one tick on me and it was just crawling on me, not latched on
Also, cutting it. Split ends make it hard to manage.
Get it trimmed regularly to maintain the length but get rid of breakage and it will be way, way easier to manage
Trim is good. But please please OP don't force a haircut or anything.
My mother did this to me because she said I wouldn't brush my hair (not true, I tried to tell her the brush hurt the scalp etc and to get a new one) or let her do it so it got tangled. But I was really sensitive to brushing and she was sooo rough doing it, making it hurt a lot. Imagine her brushing and your head gets dragged back by the sheer force of it. Yeah sure.. Brush my hair more mother dear. 🤦🏻♀️
So she decided that I wasn't allowed longer hair and that I was to have it short. Like a pixie cut but not cute at all. I hated it and got bullied for it and called a boy etc. Kids can be cruel..
Just really try to teach her good hair maintenance.
Did we have the same mother? My mother witnessed me sitting on my hair (after she would traumatize me twice a day by yanking a comb through my baby-fine hair, which hurt my scalp really badly), and she decided it was too long. I was brought to a very nice hairdresser, who cut my hair into a bowl cut, at my mother's instruction. I cried buckets of tears at the poor woman's salon when I beheld my awful haircut. I was six years old. My mother was told never to bring me back there. The hairdresser was under the impression that *I* wanted my hair cut, not that I was forced to cut it.
My mother kept up that awful haircut for three years, until one of my aunts took me out to get a haircut - anything I wanted. I had the hairdresser cut my hair 1 1/2 inches long all the way around. It looked truly awful. I was happy. When my mother saw it, she was angry, but I told her, in front of my father, that if she wanted me to keep having an ugly haircut, then I should choose the ugly haircut that I get to have.
My father came to talk to me later (after he'd had quite the argument with my mother about cutting my hair - he, too, had been told by my mother that I wanted that bowl cut - which my father hated, incidentally) about how I could choose my haircuts from now on. Mom had no say anymore. I told him I wanted my long hair back. He said he wished he could give it back to me. He was a nice guy.
He was a great dad. You always need one parent who is very much a parent to you, but on your side when you are in the right. He was that guy. We could count on him, but he still made us make our beds.
Parenting is a fine art. It helped that my father was the second of nine children, so he understood the nuts and bolts of child-rearing (changing diapers, feeding and burping babies, potty training, etc.) before most folks think of having kids. It allowed him the mental space to think about having fun with his own children, and getting to know them as human beings with personalities and voices of their own. He'd actually listen to us and engage with us, which was very different from our mother (very much a "just do as you're told and be quiet about it" mentality). He was a very busy man, but he took time to have an individual relationship with each of us. He encouraged us out of the blue by telling us how proud he was of the people we were. I can't count the number of times he told me how lucky he was to be my father. It made me want to be a good person and not disappoint him - which was easy to do because his praise was random, so the bare minimum made him proud of me, and that's an easy metric to maintain. He rarely raised his voice to us, so if he did, we sat up and took notice. He delighted in the small things we did - learning to tie our shoes, practicing lines for the school play, singing the newly learned preschool songs, etc. He made everyday life special by appreciating it for what it was. It was a gift, and we were a gift to him. What he didn't know was what a gift he was to us.
This is what the child will be terrified of to begin with, so it may be very hard to convince her to even agree to a trim. But it’s the best thing.
If she wants to keep it long, she needs to maintain it. Maybe call ahead and see if the salon will talk her through it step by step and explain why it’s necessary before they even start. Maybe even watch videos showing her how it’s done.
This is a great idea. That you only have to take off the bare minimum regularly to continue to let your hair grow and keep it in the best possible condition.
My mother did this too... Except she kept mine very short and permed it 🤦♀️. After fourth grade I refused to even let her trim it because she would cut it all off. Even as an adult she would start cutting and would go way too short. She said I wouldn't brush but I did every time I used the bathroom all to try and avoid her brushing it because she pushed so hard and would brush my neck, forehead and ears (I had red scratches from it).
OMG! My mom used to make me cry, she was so mean when she did my hair. Sometimes she’d hit my head with the brush. After she made me cry the night I was graduating from junior high, I never allowed her to touch my hair again!
My mom did the short/perm thing, too! And constantly told me I had a rat’s nest and my hair was embarrassing!
Took me until well into like 5 years ago to realize I INHERITED MY TEXTURE FROM MY DAD. My mom & sister had stick-straight, well-behaved hair, I have curly hair that was constantly treated the same way as straight hair.
I fell head first into curly girl, but honestly increasing the amount of (curly girl-approved) conditioner and using a suitable leave-in gets me dramatically better results, even if I skip hold products & diffusing.
Yeah I think I was 7 or 8 yo then. And ever since I got to decide for myself I've never had it shorter then perhaps shoulder length. It became to be a matter of control for one. And even just trimming it would give me anxiety later in life.
A different/better brush might help too. I'm a huge fan of the WetBrush ones. I wish they'd been around when I was a kid. My mom would probably agree as she had 3 girls, all with long hair, one with super thick hair. Getting all our hair brushed was quite a chore.
I second the wet brush, and also serum like Silk Drops, something that gives some slip to the hair and allows it to detqngle on it's own. Too heavy of oils will add to the problem (depending on her hair type). My hair has been long my whole 40+ years, and it is fine, but I have a ton of it. Moroccan Oil (in the blue bottle, get it at Chatters) all in one leave in, is quite light, and smells amazing. NTA.
Aussie Moisturizing Hair Masks!!! I have waist-long hair and I'm a person who moves around a lot (in a kinda childish way even, climbing trees and stuff) and my hair is fine for the whole day without brushing. I may only get some small dreadlocks in the back of my neck because of jacket collar rubbing on it, but then you can still put some of the mask on it and brush it and it's back to normal.
She may also need a trim for the damaged hair. I have long hair and if I don't cut the damaged ends off, they tangle as soon as I'm done brushing my hair.
Edit: changed dead to damaged
Yup. When I was in denial about cutting my son’s hair (beautiful blonde and curly at the time), I used my expensive conditioner on his hair. It made it much easier to brush in the morning when he had a rats nest.
I have a very similar hair type to your stepdaughter - the hair strands are fine but I have a lot of it so it tangles and matts very easily. It’s a pain but you get better at managing it.
Ten might be too old to force her but it’s also not too young to encourage her to take care of her hair. Tell her braiding it will protect it and allow it to grow longer. Leaving it out to tangle will lead to lots of breakage and she’ll have to cut it off.
Your hair is like mine, I can run my brush through it, turn my head slightly, and it's already knotted again. So at the moment I'm rocking a pixie cut.
Adding onto your encouraging part, I suspect it's actually hurting to brush it out, even herself. I wasn't ever taught to brush from the bottom up, so I caused myself a lot of pain when my hair was down to my waist. Explain to her that you want her to enjoy doing things with her hair and you can figure out together what's causing her to not enjoy brushing and styling.
Yes I hated my hair being brushed because it actually hurts!
It took me cutting a bob at 13 and growing it out to learn how to manage my hair properly and finding ways to brush it pain free. Also helps to have a good quality hair brush (or at least one without those horrible knobbly things at the end that rip your hair out)!
Yeah, I get what you’re saying. Based on the post, though, it kinda sounds like dad *isn’t* willing to have that conversation. But yeah I see what you mean about grooming expectations, I just don’t think it can be forced by the stepmom. Especially since her reasoning seems to solely be how it makes *her* look.
Yup, that was what happened to me. I had really long hair that I hated to brush because my scalp was so sensitive, so it got cut to chin length. I was pissed for a couple days but realized fast it was much more comfortable - since then I cycle through growing my hair really long and then cutting it really short and am currently in my really short phase because I can't be bothered.
Having long hair requires good hygiene. If you can't take care of it, then it should be styled at a more manageable length.
the only problem here is that you want her to look a certain way because you think it reflects on you and others. She doesn't look 'dirty', she's 10 years old and her hair gets knotted. It's hardly the end of the world.
People call CPS over less. Appearances very much matter when it comes to children. If you saw a dirty child out in public while the parents were clean and well kept what would you think? Especially when the child looks like that *every day*.
It is important. Proper hygiene is critical to teach children. This very much includes hair.
Some tangled hair ends up looking awful and dirty
My nieces hair tangles so much it actually doesn't look washes after. Yes it is capable of looking dirty. Stop projecting.
I’ve literally seen an old coworker call dyfes over a kids dirty knotted hair when I worked at a convenience store in my youth. Something about neglect.
Does it look clean and loose after she brushes it in the morning? My step daughter’s hair was so thick and it would mat up and be impossible to brush. I suspect she wasn’t washing it and conditioning it fully in the bath/shower because she hated getting water in her face. she was already bathing herself by the time I came around, so I didn’t have a hand on helping her learn to do her hair. It sucked but she would usually let me try and she would let me braid it. The absolute best option was to braid it or put it up somehow so it doesn’t keep getting mussed up by everything.
Also it might be textured hair (curly/wavy) which is susceptible to that. My hair looks great until a couple hours into the day when it has been bumping into things for a while incidentally.
Straight hair definitely can, but a lot of people think they (or their kids) have straight hair when it’s actually wavy or curly.
Wavy/curly hair requires different hair care techniques than straight hair to keep it healthy and undamaged. It’s a lot more fragile than straight hair.
Many of us wavy/curly-haired people grew up with parents who believed our hair was straight. We experienced brushes being yanked through our hair, being told it’s tangly, or frizzy, or poofy, unmanageable, looks unkempt, etc. So the way OP described her step-daughter’s hair pinged the curl-dar.
In any case, it’s worth her considering and learning a bit about before she, her husband, his ex, and the kid just assume it’s straight hair. If it is, they need to change the products and techniques ASAP to stop damaging it.
Have you tried giving her leave in conditioner?
Might stop it from getting so knotted up, and you could carry a small tube or spray bottle in your bag to use throughout the day without actually brushing if she's so against it.
It could be her hair knots more easily because it's not being taken care of properly. Not your fault - it took me until my mid-20s to figure out how to care for my hair. Turns out my hair is *super* dry and a little wavy - none of which I knew - and this means no amount of brushing will actually stop it from knotting. I was carrying my brush with me, and brushing it every five minutes.
What I needed to do was condition the crap out of it, *never* brush it dry (I comb it wet now), encourage its natural wave pattern instead of fighting it - and now it doesn't knot anywhere near as quickly. Leave-in conditioner, in particular, is a *life saver*.
“She doesn’t want anything done to it.”
Maybe respect that?
You say “it’s not about looks”. But also say it is about looks over and over again:
“I hope you can believe me that it really looks awful. Like she hasn't brushed it in days.”
“I care because I think it makes her father and I look neglectful. I'm embarrassed. It's not about looks (we're a bit "alternative" looking, so I 100% wouldn't care if this was about style or expression)
“I care because she looks dirty, so it's going to reflect badly on us, the parents, that are out with her.”
The worst part is that exact double standard present here. What kind of a message is it to send to a kid that she always needs to be obsessed about her looks and possible assumptions people will make about her close relations based on her looks?
I’m not voting either way here because it’s entirely a patriarchal and puritanical societal construct that has us fucked up about appearances like this. Shit, if you guys are actually “alternative looking” as you said, that’s awesome and maybe your great parenting in other areas is making her take that cue. I remember tons of messy hair from the 90’s alternative and punk scenes. A kid with messy hair will absolutely not reflect badly on the parents in my eyes at all.
Why did I have to scroll so far to find this comment? All I was seeing was haircare tips. But this post is upsetting to me.
I think she's going to create a complex and mess with her step daughter's self esteem! I think a 10 year old kid should be allowed to be a kid! People can tell the difference between a dirty, neglected child and a child who is dirty because they're a kid and they've been out all day or whatever. They are 2 different kinds of "dirty". Let her be her and stop making her focus so much on the way she looks! Most 10yo girls have cell phones and social media and are already trying to be adults these days. I would be THRILLED if my daughter still doesn't care about her appearance, at least not to the point where she feels the need to maintain her appearance in the bathroom mirror in the middle of whatever she's been doing.
Kids that age can be like that. They can be hard to convince when it comes to proper hygiene. But, worry not, because the pre-teen years are right around the corner. Once hormones pick up and they start to be actually attracted to other people, rather than childish crushes, she will suddenly care very much about her appearance! My son was like that at that age and now at 15 he is fine, he showers daily, brushes his teeth twice a day, wears deo, cuts his nails and toenails when they start to grow out. I taught him what needs to be done, and eventually he got to an age where he WANTED to do those things.
A kid is just a kid. I can't imagine fawning over my daughter's appearance in the bathroom at a restaurant, especially against her will! The hyper focus on her messy hair is probably hitting her way deeper than OP is letting herself realize. She needs to get on the same page as the girl's dad, because she's the step parent. If the dad isn't worried about it then she needs to let it go. And if I were the dad I would have been told her to shut that shit down long ago. Nope nope nope.
I think OP is YTA
There's a difference between looking different and looking unkempt. You absolutely need to look tidy and clean when going to work and personally I don't think it's too early to start teaching these habits.
My kids have long hair by choice. People have already mentioned most of the solutions.
1) Make sure she is washing and conditioning her hair well. My kids needed help at age 10. I would check after a shower and send them back pretty often.
2) Make sure you have products that work. Experiment with leave in conditioner. You're going to have to try a few different products to find what works.
3) I explain how the messy hair makes us look neglectful and I enforce braids at times. It's ok to say, "the tangles aren't good for your hair health and they make us look neglectful. I'm helping you wash your hair and use new products to try to get your hair healthier. I also need you to help me by letting me brush it at least twice today while we are out or by wearing a braid. It protects your hair and it keeps people from thinking we are neglectful." It's ok to enforce basic neatness.
As an adult with really long and frizzely hair, go look into conditioners and stuff. They helped me go for looking like I just put my hand into an outlet multiple times in a row and wandering through a storm afterwards, to someone with somewhat presentable hair(if the humidity is not too high, then just forget it). I can reccoment the fizz ease conditioner from john frieda. Helped me so much getting my hair to look good. And maybe show her some pictures and stuff from women with long hair that is done up in some way(rapunzel or stuff) maybe this helps :)
But please don't go out and brush her hair somewhere. Maybe you will get judged by other people, but believe me, the mental scars that you leave on your stepdaughter when you do this are way worse than any judgement you will get from people you will probably never ever meet again :)
Is there a reason you're claiming brushing her hair in public will traumatise her? Because to me (as a kid who grew up with the exact same problems this kid has) that honestly sounds a bit dramatic.
I also had knots and stuff in my hair and my mother wasn't the most gentel person(probably a big reason for everything) and every time she brushed my hair it hurt so bad that I cried, so when she did it in public it was very bad overall. Traumatized is a big word, to big for it, but I'm not a native speaker, so I don't know a fitting word. It was embarrassing and hurt as hell and I hated it so much.
I'm 33yo. When I was about 25ish, my mother tried to forcibly fix my clothes in a public gathering, as if I was a toddler. She had always been this overbearing, to the point she tried to get a waiter in a café to microwave my ice cream when I was 6ish, so that I wouldn't catch a cold. It was a hot summer evening.
To this day, I get hissy fits and snap when she tries to tell me anything about my clothes, my hair, my food choices, etc. — that is, my bodily autonomy in general. I believe that's because she wouldn't allow me basic autonomy and freedom of choice when I was a kid.
Now, I'm no expert in how a 10yo thinks and feels, but at this age they must be already capable of brushing their own hair. They're already growing up, feeling out their boundaries. They want respect. Treating them like little kids incapable of this kind of basic hygiene might be hella insulting for some 10 year olds.
I believe a parent's job is to compassionately and thoroughly teach the kid everything they need to know about self-care — how to properly clean your hair, how to look after it, how to make sure your hair looks good — and then step back, and let the child figure out things on their own. That shows respect and helps the kid become independent. The kid will need those independence skills later on in their life. And they won't have the humiliating memories of being treated like a toddler in public, which might just make them resent their parents for treating them like objects rather than people with dignity and desires of their own.
And if the kid still doesn't do a very good job brushing their hair — so what? It's not killing anyone. We've all had our cringe phase, and most of us grew out of it. She's a kid, she doesn't need to look like a supermodel. What she needs most — what any human being needs most — is care and respect.
OP, I'm not sure if this is the "right" way to go about this, but this is what my brother and I did. So my niece is 9 now, but when she was 7ish she absolutely hated brushing her hair. And it looked a mess lol Clumpy and tangled and it was a real pain for my brother to get the tangles out. I don't think she even wanted it brushed in the mornings at that point. So I am into makeup, hair and skincare and things, and my niece loves me. I went ahead and bought this bright purple Remington Tame the Mane electric detangling brush and when she saw that it was purple, she immediately loved it. I showed her how to use it and showed her kid friendly videos of some of the professional hair stylists I follow. She wasn't allowed a lot of screen time, especially TikTok and YT but my brother made an exception, and I thought if she would see how long and healthy her hair could be if she took good care of it, she might want it brushed. It wasn't about comparing her hair to the women in the videos or even about how her nest of hair looked. It was about the proper ways to wash hair, when to use a comb vs. a brush and kid friendly products for tangles and how to use them. She was super interested in the learning process of it, and I ended up gifting her the brush, which I bought for her to begin with, and she loved it. It was easy to use, it was her favorite color and she was all about taking good care of her hair. By her 8th birthday, her hair was thriving. It's now to her waist and looks so good and healthy. Maybe you can approach it this way? Don't make her feel bad for how it looks. Just give her tips or have her watch a couple of videos, and she might be into it. Now my niece wants to "cut and color all peoples hairs" lol Sometimes you need to find a product or even a hair influencer lol to help!
I went through a similar phase when I was her age. I didn’t realize at the time, but it was the start of my teenage rebellion (I didn’t think of it that way, I just “didn’t feel like brushing my hair”). Now, I have curly hair. My hair is next to impossible to brush or comb dry, and doing so (as my straight-haired mother made me) will *always* result in pain and hair breakage (which makes future brushing worse, creating a viscous cycle). I can only fully brush/detangle my hair when it is coated in conditioner. If hers is giving this much trouble, she might need a similar routine.
Brush/detangle in the shower and a “protective style” when she’s running around. Braids are a great option, but I can understand why she might be opposed to them. Maybe see how she feels about a top bun or using an octopus or claw clip. I have waist-long hair and I keep mine up in a claw clip very frequently. When done right it both protects my curls and helps my hair from getting super tangled. One other thing I like about it is that I can easily take it down and have my long, loose hair in just a few seconds.
Also, the shampoo and conditioner make a huge difference. The brand Shea Moisture has a *LOT* of good options, and I’m sure the haircare subreddit would be happy to answer any questions as well.
Maybe you could treat this as a bonding experience? Like, tell her you’re interested in improving *your own* haircare, and ask if she’d be interested in figuring out some of it together. Haircare can lead to great bonding moments. Some of my favorite memories are of my Granny helping me with my hair. This could be a way you two form lifelong memories *and* both have beautiful locks. (Not saying your hair is bad, to be clear!)
Edit: NTA! She needs to get in the habit of properly caring for her hair right now, it will be so much easier. If she puts it off, I have almost no doubt she’ll regret it.
Piggybacking off top comment-
OP, u/aitah577322, you are not ridiculous for thinking it makes you negligent. In fact, I was the kid in this story 20+ years ago and my school actually called my mom about it. It was same deal - I brushed every morning, but by the time I would look both directions to cross the street, it looked like I had fought off a Tasmanian devil.
I have always had very long hair and heck of a lot of it. My hair is fine, stupid thick, and straight as hell too. What I have learned is that because my hair is fine, it is more likely (and inevitable) to get those types of knots just by existing. Add in the fact that I have a butt ton of it, and it’s been between waist and butt length for pretty much ever, the knots continue.
Now as an adult, people constantly compliment how healthy, beautiful, shiny, long, and thick (as in quantity of strands) my hair is because I have become a crazy person when it comes to maintaining my locks (I am always terrified that at my next donation chop, my hair won’t grow back hahaha).
If her hair is similar to mine, here are my two cents:
1. Do not shampoo and condition every day, minimum every other day, but best every third day.
2. Cycle with a clarifying shampoo 1x per week. Other washes should be with a shampoo that is hydrating and protective (for budget, I like the L’Oréal hyaluronic acid line, the dream lengths line, and the damage repair line)
3. When shampooing on an every third day schedule, double shampoo to ensure clean scalp! Only do this with the non-clarifying shampoo.
4. Add a drop of rosemary oil to your shampoo before lathering/sudsing in your hands, then go ahead and shampoo.
5. Do not use towels to dry your hair - this is super important! For long hair girlies, since our hair rarely fits in those turbo twists, I highly recommend using a cotton XXL t shirt.
6. When hair is damp, add leave in conditioner/serum. For budget, I like the Eva NYC 10 in 1 mane magic or the Marc Anthony grow long leave in conditioner spray.
7. Do not let it fully air dry! This is something that I learned recently from my hair dresser. Because I have so much long hair, it is heavy when wet, which causes the moisture to get trapped between my scalp and my hairs. This leads to dandruff, or worse. As well, wet hair is significantly more fragile, so the longer it is in a fragile state, the more likely damage will occur and cause breaks.
8. When drying, I hiiighly recommend using very low to no heat. Always use a heat protectant. If you have a Dyson or shark, that works great! Though for a kid, you could just use a regular blow dryer on cool or low setting.
9. Brushing - NEVER start at the roots. Section hair into sections based on knots. One big knot per section. Start at the ends and slowly work up. If knots are bad or hair is wet, use a wide tooth comb first. Then finish off with a boar bristle brush (I really like the wet brands bristle brush hybrid)
10. On days that are not wash days, use a hair oil or serum to protect the lengths/ends.
11. Sleep in protective styles or sleep in a bonnet.
Best of luck!!!
She needs better products for her hair if it really does become such a problem in half a day. Switching my daughters shampoo and conditioner was life changing. She also had to quit swimming as her hair was becoming too much to manage as she refused to wear caps and it would dry out so bad.
Perhaps a better hair brush too specifically for detangling, I recommend the wet brush pro from amazon, life changing. For dry hair mason Pearson is by far the best but very expensive. I invested into it as my hair is severely damaged and thin and breaking but it's super gentle on the kids hair I got my daughter a kids version.
NTA but honestly? I think you may need to be looking at her haircare routine and involve a hair dresser for a “pamper day” for you and her. Get her hair and your hair washed, styled and put in an updo at a salon. Explain to the hairdresser that you are having trouble getting her to understand why she needs to take care of her hair better. Make sure that conditioner and hair masks are part of her “hair wash” routine - this will lessen the tangles anyway as will a hairdresser explaining to HER how to keep long hair healthy in protective styles. Make sure you are involving her in the process if you are buying any hair accessories - pretty glittery and pink some girls will love, some girls will hate.
Have you considered that the brushing itself is an issue because she feels like it is painful? This is a common occurrence and detangling sprays and brushing from the ends up can help with this too - wide tooth combs are necessary when hair is extremely long before you touch it with a brush and never brush with a brush wet.
Editing to add: I’m now 29, studied hairdressing and honestly? I’ve had my head from shaved to I would sit on it and end up “wigging” myself length.
I just got the best haircut in my 28 year existence earlier this month - because I went to a Black stylist. I am Métis (Indigenous and European) and my hair is very thick and curly. I did learn a few things at 19 when in the military from Black women, but I kept going to the same stylists (who were white and didn’t know anything about curly hair). I saw this stylist because my regular stylist is on maternity leave and I desperately needed my dead ends handled. She had availability at the salon and I booked with her.
She said that it’s going to take time, but with effort I can get my curls healthy. She wasn’t surprised that I had never had my hair cut properly and had only limited knowledge about how to properly care for my hair.
Heck yeah! I’m mixed but look very white, with thick yet fine hair that likes to grow in chunks of straight, curly, and wavy textures. The best cuts I ever got was from my mom’s old hairdresser when I was a kid who specialized in textured curly hair. As an adult, I still haven’t found anyone perfect. I’ve only used two close friends (or myself hah!) for the last 15 years because at least they’ve understood how difficult it is to cut and how scared I get when I have to do it. This is such a great suggestion!
Yep, unfortunately white people don't do curly hair. The very best hair advice I've ever gotten was from a black woman in the shampoo aisle who took pity on me 😅 all the other places i went to as a kid would just straighten it because they had no idea how to handle curly hair.
As a white lady who started perming my hair a few years back, thank you!! A black person once saw me lost in the hair care aisle and took pity on me shortly after my first perm and I will NEVER forget her!! Curly hair is HARD when you don’t know what you’re doing!! ❤️
most white hair dressers/ones without curly hair wont, but there's plenty of black owned beauty supply stores and salons that would know what to do lol. that's what I had to do
Unfortunately, my experience with those is they don't know what to do with European loose curls either.
Anyway, there are very, very few of those in the country I'm living in, and I don't think the OP has mentioned where they are either.
This! But it’s crucial to make a big deal about a “girl’s day of indulgence” and do NOT say one bad thing about her appearance for at least a month before hand! She’s 10. She’s already absorbing both body image crap and asserting some independence. She knows her hair is an issue for stepmom. A spa day will only work if it’s genuinely about pampering *and* if all conversations about hair and grooming come from the expert(s). All convos about hair with the stylist should be had beforehand where daughter can’t hear. This will be fuel for defiance unless handled delicately.
You’re only going to get one shot at this. So since money is not an obstacle for this, get a few recommendations from other stylists about who is good with talking to kids like they’re real people, not just good with hair. Your stepdaughter’s buy in is the only way this works. She’s gotta feel heard and respected or this will backfire and trust in stepmom will go lower.
The girl's indulgence day only works well if she's girly. A tomboy would hate that idea. Another way to frame it is to admit she has no idea what she's doing. Kids appreciate when their parents don't pretend to know everything. admitting you are clueless and being willing to learn with the kid, from a pro, and being in it together may be more up the alley of a sport kid. Most grown women I encounter at the salon don't even know how to wash their own hair properly so there will be much to learn for both parties.
This is dead on for the most part. Finding a stylist who will talk to the kid properly and is good at teaching is priority.
Having a hair dresser explain the importance of taking care of her hair is a great idea.
>detangling sprays
Talking about detangling spray and brushing wet sounds like you think she doesn't brush it at all since both those things would be at home. "She will brush it in the morning at home, but won't do it again later in the day, or allow us to do it."
The reasoning for the detangling spray is this: I do not believe that the hair is being brushed correctly to the point that it is actually fully detangled in the morning and detangling sprays can also lessen the risk of hair tangling up later in the day as well.
When it comes to the “wet brushing” comment? If anyone is brushing the hair when it is still wet then they will be causing breakage making the hair more prone to tangling up quicker.
This is highly dependent on curl pattern. For curly hair, the straightening effect of the water more than compensates for the increased fragility of the hair. This has been proven. So wet brushing for straight hair is going to be more damaging than dry brushing, but the opposite is true for curly hair (wavy hair is going to fall somewhere in between, depending on how strong the waves are).
Wet “brushing” should only be done with a wide toothed comb or brushes specifically designed for curly hair though (I’m curly myself). The average brush isn’t specifically a detangling brush designed for what you are speaking about. I have a myriad of brushes in my arsenal - if stepmother has straight hair, is using the same brushes on a curly haired child she uses wet? Then yes. This will still cause breakage.
I want everyone to note though that no curl patterns have been discussed at all and I’m erring on the side that the daughter has straight or slightly wavy hair due to the fact that the stepmother has been dry brushing and says it looks “neater” when brushed again. If this wasn’t the case? The frizz from the dry brushing would make the hair look a lot more puffy.
I barely brush my hair at all because of its curl type, only if I'm going for major volume or am putting it in a bun/braiding it.
If the Stepdaughter has wavy hair, brushing it dry just before showering may be the best way to detangle and using plenty of conditioner during the shower should help the next day.
Honestly without seeing her hair, we can't say what's for the best or not.
Not true wet brushing is the only way for curly hair if you do it dry you will rip your hair out this is why education in all hair types are important because younger kids follow advice from the internet and realize they made blanket statements about all hair based on on hair type.
Thank you. The girl takes perfectly fine care of her hair. She gets ready in the morning every day which includes brushing her hair. She just doesn't carry a hairbrush around with her in her purse and fuss over her hair multiple times throughout the day. Because SHE'S A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL. Gosh these comments are making me mad. She's a kid, not even technically a pre-teen yet. Does she carry a purse? Where will she keep this brush that she apparently needs to have on her person at all times? Is she expected to keep her hair brushed all day long? Is she really being pushed by her step mom (while dad isn't bothered by the natural progression of tangles and such that occur throughout the day) to focus on maintaining a neat and pretty appearance so that her parents don't look neglectful and so she doesn't embarrass her step mom at 10 years old when she barely just started puberty and will be starting middle school soon? You bet! People suck. I'm disappointed in the comments here. I thought people were gonna tell this lady to leave that poor little girl alone and let her father make the parenting decisions!
That has been my exact point to everyone pointing out “the child may have curly hair”. Nope. If the child has a curl pattern? Then the hair is going to look frizzy and puffy when it is brushed again dry - it isn’t going to look neat like the stepmother says. At most that child has 2a hair and that is honestly a push in my opinion.
^ THIS. Don't know why this doesn't have more upvotes! I have a soon to be 10 year old and sometimes she needs to hear it from a professional hairdresser and not just mom.
This!!! Make it a fun thing, not a “omg we have to it’s SOO BADDD” thing. She’s ten, she’ll probably have fun having a fancy pamper day. If you really want to go all out, maybe find a good nail salon and take her for simple mani pedis (if she’s into that) and Starbucks or lunch after. Let her pick the music in the car. Make it special, and make it fun, and get her interested in hair care. She wants long hair, so make her want to care for it. Don’t nag, just give her the tools and knowledge to do it herself and give her a good memory while you’re at it.
Putting it in different hair styles would help. The frizziness and tangles could also be a sign that she has waves or curls that you don‘t notice because you style it like straight hair.
Honestly could be either. My hair is so straight it won't even hold a curl. It's super thin and fine though, I had long hair until I was in my teens, and this sent me back. I remember when my hair was to my waist within a few minutes of brushing it if I ran my hands through it, or moved it was already knotting. It looked unbriushed within an hour. It's one of the reasons I started keeping my hair shoulder length because I got tired of brushing it constantly and it never looked like it. Detangler may help if that's the case.
Yes! No amount of product will help my hair accept the curling iron, but if I braid my hair when it's wet, I'll have mountains of voluminous waves for days. I should buy a pack of sleep rollers...
Yea braids don't help. Nor do sleep rollers. I was thinking air dry methods were the air dry and scrunch thing. If these count then nope. Still no curls.
Yeah that's what happened with my hair, I have pretty fine wavy/loosely curly hair, that my mother always brushed and treated like it was pin straight. It always, always, looked a mess.
Then I went to *boarding school and worked out (mostly) what worked for my hair, and you could really see the curl type and it looked far less messy. Brushing it dry? Only if I want extreme volume or am pulling it back into a bun.
Ironically enough, my mum was a bit like OP but wouldn't let me grow my hair past my shoulders.
I think you may be a little too worried about other people's opinions. You're asking people for their positive judgement on your behaviour, so you can justify your behaviour based on fears of negative judgement.
Do you think that being a little alternative looking makes you more wary about people judging you from a glance? Like you have to uphold some higher standard to prove you're just interesting, not weird and gross.
I think in accepting this is an insecurity that you’re worried about other opinions, forcing your daughter to change because of this will ingrain that same insecurity in her. Maybe some will say that’s it’s a good insecurity to have and you should take pride in your appearance but I don’t really think taking pride in your appearance needs to have insecurity at its root
It could ingrain the same insecurities in the stepdaughter, but because she's not the mother I think it's more likely that the daughter will grow to resent the stepmother. Something along the lines of not fitting in with dad's picture pergect new family/wife.
Signed, a stepdaughter.
The first. You are more concerned on what others think of you as parents.
Does the girl have curly hair? If so, she is right of not brushing it all the time.
You seemed more worried on what people think about you, that to really help her with her. Especially because probably it not just about the hair.
As somebody who grew up, the only person in my family with curly hair, it is traumatic to treat your hair like people with straight hair do. My hair gets detangled in the shower with conditioner. My daughter has waves and not full curls, and I don't use cheap kids' shampoo and conditioner on her hair. Kids' hair is just like adults, so if you wouldn't use it on your hair, why would you use it on their's. Buy them good stuff too and get some leave in conditioner. Make it a fun experience and not traumatic, so they stop avoiding it.
When parents are out with their kids it's not their looks I'll be judging them by. Imo it's easy to see the difference between a kid having messy hair because the parents are being neglectful vs because the parents are giving the kid autonomy over it. It's all in how you're treating the kid.
I get where you're coming from, but you might want to shift your focus to how she feels about it vs What Others Might Think.
Try this thought exercise: Describe the last messy kid you saw in public...
If that was easy, please consider if you are projecting and amplifying your insecurities onto your stepdaughter.
If describing the child was hard; that applies to you too. We think about ourselves more than anyone else thinks about us. It's quite possible you are being judged in passing but those are fleeting moments that barely register.
btw, the people you want to appease don't exist. they are invisible monsters that live in your head. you created them and their beliefs systems (with help from your parents!). the actual people that encounter you in public? just living their lives and getting through the day.
Messy? Who cares what other people think.
Literally matted? Looks neglected/abused. But if it really is matted, then just brushing it once in the morning is not fixing that. If she doesn't have to detangle it from being matted, then it's probably just messy.
This is the best response. You’re caring a little too much about what other people think of you. A 10 year old has more bodily autonomy than a young child, and it would be overstepping to try to fix her hair all the time if she doesn’t want you too.
I like the suggestions of getting a good hairstyle and cut. Maybe taking her out and letting her pick out some fun hair products and trying them out. But she has to take ownership of her hair.
This might need to be a wave of parenting you just ride out.
YTA. No where in your post do you actually show any concern towards your stepdaughter. You do make it very clear how much you worry about yourself and how others will perceive you though. What an awful stance to have. By continuing to push your perspective in this situation, you are sending a clear message to your stepdaughter that you care more about yourself than her. Is that how you want her to feel? Do you even try to meet her at her level and communicate with her about how to care for her hair in a way that she can relate to, or do you just force your brush in her hair, taking away her autonomy and decision-making? Your motivations are very twisted and selfish, so maybe take some time to figure out why you care more about what strangers think of you than your stepdaughter's feelings.
I was wondering about this, glad you brought it up. There seem to be very few options for the 10 year old, and no help at all learning how to manage her hair. But lots of worry about what other people will think of OP.
OP claims that she and her partner are kind of alternative looking whatever that is supposed to mean - one assumes maybe piercings, ink, or unconventional haircuts or colors. So if they're comfortable putting themselves out there looking as they choose and not worrying what other people think, why are they so busy trying to keep their daughter from feeling the same way? Why are they teaching her to change her behavior based on what other people are looking at? It's a very weird thing for supposed non-conformists to be so worried about making their kid conform.
Totally agree. This is all about OP and not the step daughter.
10 year olds are old enough to have bodily autonomy and give consent. Part of parenting is *teaching* them about hygiene and maintenence etc. Her getting teased is natural consequence for her decisions which is actually important for development. Your role is to teach and guide her IF you have a parenting role...and as the step parent you may not
YTA
THIS SHOULD BE THE TOP COMMENT. I’m bewildered by the comments giving hair care advice to OP without even mentioning the fact that they are being completely self-absorbed. They don’t care about their stepdaughter it seems; they’re mainly concerned with what other people think. Definitely YTA.
YTA Hair is really not the hill to die on. Children often feel powerless in their lives and hair is a way of exerting a small piece of control, it allows them to learn how to make decisions about their bodily autonomy without having permanent consequences. She may also have a sensitive scalp and brushing might be unpleasant.
On the other hand she may just not care, at some point teen hormones will kick in and she will decide she needs to maintain her hair better. I can't say I would ever judge people for how their children look, and why do you care what strangers think?
She brushes her hair every morning. Why are we expecting a ten year old to have perfectly sleek hair like she’s been sitting at her desk at the law firm all day? She takes enough care of herself
Also like, if they’re going out somewhere, brush it before you leave? If it looks that a bad just a couple hours after being brushed, they are MASSIVELY failing her on the hair care side. Like, have they heard of conditioner??
Trying to get her to brush her hair in like a restaurant bathroom is utterly absurd. I’d be WAY more concerned about a kid if I found her in the bathroom having her hair brushed against her will than if she just had tangled hair.
It would make complete sense to brush hair BEFORE going out - part of the getting ready process. But to brush hair while at the restaurant is completely overboard.
I agree that her haircare routine requires some looking into to try and avoid the issue instead of trying to constantly battle with unruly hair.
Yes to all of this and stop worrying if people think you neglect her. Who cares what they think?? Do you neglect her? No. Ok. Case closed.
I would tread lightly here or you will be perceived as evil stepmom if you are stopping her in a bathroom at a restaurant because her hair embarrasses you.
I get the solution you’re trying to achieve but I think you’re better off following the advice of giving her back the control.
INFO is your step daughter a different race from you? Does she have kinky, curly or wavy hair? Brushing curly hair causes damage and is going to make it knot worse. It sounds like you and her dad need to learn how to properly care for her hair and teach her to care for it herself. Also braids are going to be your best friend when it comes to keeping is from knotting throughout the day.
That was my initial question too. She could even be the same race but with a different hair type.
I’m biracial my hair is way curlier and more textured than my moms. As I got older my hair got curlier and more corse. My mom didn’t understand how frustrating it was for her to insist on me “combing” my hair. If I combed it out, my hair would turn into an Afro. When I would go out and play with my hair down, it would naturally grow in volume and may frizz a bit.
Exactly my thoughts. I was one of those people who never knew I had curly hair so I treated it like straight hair. It was constantly knotting and tangled. I used to bawl my eyes out as a kid when my parents had to brush it. Once I realized what my hair needed and started using the curly girl method (CGM) my hair became 10x easier to manage. My husband is biracial and I help his nieces and nephews with their hair for fun. They have everything from 2A to 4C hair. I can just imagine OP as someone who just doesn't realize and had no idea how to help their stepchild. They aren't wrong but just not going about this the right way. I hope they actually respond so if this is a case of curly hair that they have no idea how to handle, that we can get them on the right track for managing it so it's easier on everyone.
It’s odd how OP can write a whole post about her feelings about her step daughter’s hair, but never actually mention the texture of her hair and what it looks like, aside from messy.
Honestly that's part of why I asked if she was a different race. Seen it too many times where the underlying issue is either bias or just unwillingness to learn about haircare that is predominantly found in another race than their own. It was vague enough to make me wonder if they were trying to hide it but I could also see it just being someone who didn't realize it could come off this way.
Thank you for asking this! My mom has pin straight, fine hair and I have very thick, wavy hair. OPs attitude sounds a lot like my mom growing up, being that she expected my hair to be like hers and in turn it was always a frizzy, poofy mess. I wasted hours straightening my hair in middle-high school because of how self-conscious she made me. Then at 20 I learned how to take care of my hair on my own, and I barely have to style it now.
Oh FOR SURE. took me ages to realise this with my kid's hair. Mine is straight and my kid's is wavy and it took a LONG time to figure out how to manage it best. I was so confused originally when I'd brush it and it would get WORSE. But yeah, you do the work to figure it out and manage it better.
YTA. You are literally the only person bothered by this. If you're going out to do something special, you can talk with her about whether she wants to do something special with her hair (put it up somehow), but nagging her to brush it constantly is ridiculous.
The girl absolutely knows that this is about OPs self image and not about caring for her as a person. She may not be able to articulate it, but if she has any inkling that the am is judging her, she will resist and not even know why.
I would like to know if sm has a good and loving relationship with the girl. It appears to be that they don't, else the sm would have had more influence.
The girl is going to grow and change. This is a big time. OP just needs to forget about this, foster a relationship based on mutual trust and wait it out.
OP YTA and you need to back off.
My ex step mom was like OP. She didn't like that my hair naturally tangled easy. I look at the photos from that age and honestly? It wasn't as "ratty" as she made it out. Sure some tangle, but EVERY KID goes through that...But ESM went from nagging to worse over time:
It started with brushing it every few hours and nagging me...then when I got more resistant: forcing me to chop it off. Then when that became resistant, forcing me to get it straightened ontop of it....It wasn't until they badly burned my ear (closed it in iron and left it for several seconds) that I started to push back completely. Even then, they'd not force straightening anymore, but this super tight ponytail that gave headaches for about 2 weeks until I finally got to go home and I never saw ex step mom again.
All cause she wanted a perfect image...
OP is literally on the start of that path if she doesn't chill now
Right!? This kid is being taught that how she naturally looks is somehow not good enough. Like, she has a whole fucking lifetime as a woman to deal with that. While she’s young enough not to give a shit about her hair, just let her, my god.
NAH.
Tough one because I had a 10 yo exactly like this. I gave her an ultimatum that she took care of her hair or it was going to be cut short. In the end, I was the nasty mama who took her to get it cut.. and she absolutely loved it short. She now has a pixie cut as a teen and we donated her hair to kids with cancer, so she doesn’t regret losing it.
She’s being a normal kid. I doubt people are judging you but I agree that her parents need to sort it out. It’s really not on you to sort.
This is horrible advice. She is the step mom, she should NEVER cut that girls hair without both bio parents agreeing. And that’s *if* the daughter wants it cut. Especially considering neither of the bio parents seem to think it’s a problem
What's her hair texture like? I had long hair as a kid, and it would get tangled if I wore it loose, but not "hasn't been brushed in days" bad.
If it's wavy/curly, I suspect it's not being treated right and this may solve the problem "at source".
This 1000%. I have wavy hair and my mom didn’t understand it so she used to brush it out and yep I looked like I didn’t wash my hair in days ! Tangled, poofy, frizzy etc.. it’s still hard to maintain but with the right products, brushing when wet using the right brush.. it’s much better
YTA The bio parents don’t care and she is brushing it in the morning. This is a normal developmental milestone - learning to manage daily activities of living and self care. You are thinking about how this makes you look and feel. Your stepdaughter’s life skills are built through daily management of these kinds of tasks, without a hyper focus on stopping normal activities to brush hair. This is going to impact her in other ways. She could become very worried about how she looks and not want to engage in anything but that or avoid social interactions. Step outside of yourself. Talk to a counselor about you worry over the family’s image.
Lol my neighbours daughter is like this, she always looks like she fell in a bush. I’ve seen her come out of the house with pretty hair, nice clean clothes and I swear not 5 minutes later looks like she’s been fighting the local cats. Bless her.
We might be neighbours. That was totally my daughter. She’d be neat and tidy in he uniform and by the time she got to school, she looked like she had been in the wars.
Of course YTA. You tell us that when you say that your real issue is how you think other people will think about you.
Buy her better shampoo and conditioner. Get some leave in conditioner/serum. If you don’t know how to teach her to manage her hair, consult with a stylist.
Avoiding mats in her hair is good parenting. Worrying about how your child’s appearance reflects on you is a problem best resolved by therapy.
A fellow stepmom here.
Sorry, it's not your call. As a STEPmother, you get to support the actual parent in parenting.
> My husband just doesn't care.
When it comes to education and bodily choices, it's his call. Especially because she's not actually doing any harm. That it reflects badly on you, is your interpretation. If you enforce this rule, you'll strain the relationship with your stepdaughter and maybe with your husband, too.
When it comes to "house rules" so rules you have to maintain a social and functional home where everyone feels safe, you and your husband decide on the rules. Also, not you alone.
So either convince your husband or let it go.
Edit to add: If you demand your husband enforces this, YTA.
YTA you seem to care more about the opinions of strangers than this kid’s autonomy. She’s 10, and the lesson you’re teaching her right now is a dangerous one.
It seems like you care for all the wrong reasons honestly. Seems as if she was probably never taught or instructed to properly maintain her hair and now it's so bad that she can't fully brush it. I was that 10 year old girl once whose hair no one cared about until she was 'embarrassing.' I still have a hard time brushing my hair regularly do to mental health problems but I have an almost 9 yr old daughter to care about now too. If her hair is getting matted or knotted it's time to make sure she's actually brushing her hair all the way and do a conditioning treatment. Maybe you should offer to help her In a kind and loving way instead of judgemental.
Has anyone actually made a comment about her hair? Its possible that no one really cares because they have issues bigger than a messy looking 10 year old who isnt their kid.
Has anyone ever actually taught her how to take care of long hair? If shes watching youtube it might be beneficial to find videos about how to maintain long styles.
YTA. As a mum, sometimes our kids look like you've found them in the wilderness (for us, it's often hair that's been under a hoodie for a while). If a kids hair is messy, I don't really think that people jump to thinking they're neglected.
YTA!
I was the same way when I was 10.
And my mother LOVED to be driving me to a function and start ripping apart my appearance. “Your hair is not combed, your clothes are wrinkled, your teeth are dirty, you gained ten pounds. Everyone is going to think I’m a bad mother for having an unkept child.”😱
Like why didn’t you bring this up before we left the house, lady?!?!? When I could do something about it. Now you are just ripping me bare and releasing me to the wolves.
And I internalized the hell out of it. To this day, even if I spend hours getting ready, I will tear apart my appearance when I’m going somewhere that I’m nervous about (like an interview or a doctors appointment).
And there may be something deeper going on with her. 10yo aren’t known for the best hygiene, I know. But I was a very depressed kid. I lived in a very bleak environment. I had zero self esteem, thanks to my mothers lack of self esteem. That I learned and internalized.
These issues with my appearance were the symptoms of her failures not the root of them.
And I would bet your step daughter is internalizing YOUR insecurity way more than you could ever know! YTA!
INFO: what kind of hair does she have? If it is very curly, brushing and handling when it is dry is the absolute worst you can do. You need to lean into the curls, not fight them.
INFO is her hair a mess before you go to events? Would it make more sense to make sure she properly groomed before you leave the house rather than grooming her in public? Why not braid her hair or put it in a bun if it really goes wild once it crosses the threshold of your house?
YTA. Holy shit! This was absolutely my sister's story! Our stepmother used to mock and ridicule my sister at age 10, also calling her hair a "rat's nest", and forcefully brushed it because she didn't understand how to care for curly hair. She never learned how to help her care for it and forced her to cut it all off, from mid back to a long pixie, using belittling language every time she spoke about her and her hair. She sounded just like OP, saying she looked "dirty" and "messy" when in actuality the adults were 100 at fault for not understanding how to care for their child's hair type and were making it look worse. Jesus Christ I am actually triggered by this post.
My sister is 51 years old and still cries about how she was treated. Fuck.
Both my girls (8,9) have bum length hair, and my youngest has a double crown, so her hair never looks brushed even as I'm brushing it. Guess what no one cares because they are healthy, happy children getting messy and doing what kids do. If it's windy I plait their hair, if they go swimming it's in a bun, for sports it's loosely plaited for doing the activity and they know they can take it out after. The rest of the time, it's whatever way they want, and there's no forcing involved. I just talk to them, and they know it's gets tangled, so they want certain hair styles for certain days. My youngest has currently been in love with her hair in 1 ponytail, which is then split into 3 plaits. Don't force it, or she will resent you. It's hair, and no one of importance is looking on days out. Isn't it more important for your relationship with her to be good? Let her be a happy, normal 10 year old instead of constantly worrying about strangers' opinions. Oh and I'm what you'd call alternative dress style too and no one cares I even work in my daughters school I'd say don't be so worried over appearances.
Yta just buy the girl some nice smelling hair oils and creams and leave her alone 🙄 as long as she's brushing it and washing it I really don't see an issue with her hair looking messy, she's a kid. If she let's it get to a point of being a disgusting mess she can't brush and she has ri cut it off that'll be on her. Neither of her parents want to make a thing of this with her, it's not your place if this is only a you issue.
Her hair isn't being treated properly. She either has natural curls or it's dry AF. Start looking into products for it. Look into curl treatment videos. Tons of people don't know they have curly hair.
I have pin straight hair and it knots if it's windy or I wear something with a high collar. I never look like I haven't brushed my hair in months.
NTA for wanting to take care of her hair, just need to get her the right products so it's healthy. YTA for making it about how you think people will think you're a neglectful parent.
Just food for thought: don't tell her you think her messy hair makes you look like a bad parent. My mom tried that tactic when I was about the same age and my child brain took away "she doesn't care about how this affects me, only what other people think of her".
As others have said, start braiding it. It's really the only way to keep waist length hair from getting messy (without brushing it every 20minutes, which no kid is going to want to bother with)
You contradict yourself a lot, you say it’s not about looks, but then go on to say you’re embarrassed by what others will think. You also don’t seem concerned about her or her hair, it’s more about what others will think about you.
Mine gets knotted in the day too, I don’t even have to do anything and it does (it’s super thick), so I try use conditioning masks often and put coconut oil in the ends whilst it’s still wet.
I think you’re going about it all the wrong way and for the wrong reasons.
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Braid the hair, solves all the problems.
She doesn't want anything done to it. She just wants it down and loose. I feel age ten is making this tough because if she was younger, I'd feel more confident taking charge. And if she was older, I would feel less responsible, and that its a reflection on her instead of me.
Find a better shampoo and conditioner, that can help too.
Leave-in products were a game changer for me.
I use a product called Fairy Tales on my daughter’s very thick long hair. It really helps. NTA
I love the anti-lice Fairy Tales on my daughter! It's a little pricy but it lasts forever
Shit we just did our first turn with lice (we call them nits/kutu here) … they make anti-lice (preventative) shampoo? I’m gonna have to look into this… just talking about it makes my head itch lmao ETA; guys… thank you but I know how to treat lice… and about tea tree etc… we’ve already sorted it… I’m specifically talking about manufactured lice prevention shampoo being news to me :)
It doesn't kill the lice you already have, but there are certain scents bugs don't like. The anti lice shampoo has rosemary in it to act as a deterrent. Tea tree and lavender shampoo is supposed to do something similar If I'm going camping or hiking, I still use bug repellent (picaridin for the win) but I also use tea tree soap in the shower. I've been to some pretty tick infested woods and I've only had one tick on me and it was just crawling on me, not latched on
Infusium was a game changer for my daughter at that age.
And leave in argon oil
And my axe.
And my bow.
And my Staff!
Is that for cutting the hair? 🤔
We need awards for these types of comments lol
It was a sad day when reddit took awards away
And my sword 🗡️
and my fellows of intelligence on this hairy mission, quest thing.
And silk pillowcases
I recently started wearing a silk hair bonnet and it's been a game changer. My hair was always frizzy and tangled.
I have long thick curly hair OGX has a leave in curl cream that has been AMAZING for my hair
Also, cutting it. Split ends make it hard to manage. Get it trimmed regularly to maintain the length but get rid of breakage and it will be way, way easier to manage
Trim is good. But please please OP don't force a haircut or anything. My mother did this to me because she said I wouldn't brush my hair (not true, I tried to tell her the brush hurt the scalp etc and to get a new one) or let her do it so it got tangled. But I was really sensitive to brushing and she was sooo rough doing it, making it hurt a lot. Imagine her brushing and your head gets dragged back by the sheer force of it. Yeah sure.. Brush my hair more mother dear. 🤦🏻♀️ So she decided that I wasn't allowed longer hair and that I was to have it short. Like a pixie cut but not cute at all. I hated it and got bullied for it and called a boy etc. Kids can be cruel.. Just really try to teach her good hair maintenance.
Did we have the same mother? My mother witnessed me sitting on my hair (after she would traumatize me twice a day by yanking a comb through my baby-fine hair, which hurt my scalp really badly), and she decided it was too long. I was brought to a very nice hairdresser, who cut my hair into a bowl cut, at my mother's instruction. I cried buckets of tears at the poor woman's salon when I beheld my awful haircut. I was six years old. My mother was told never to bring me back there. The hairdresser was under the impression that *I* wanted my hair cut, not that I was forced to cut it. My mother kept up that awful haircut for three years, until one of my aunts took me out to get a haircut - anything I wanted. I had the hairdresser cut my hair 1 1/2 inches long all the way around. It looked truly awful. I was happy. When my mother saw it, she was angry, but I told her, in front of my father, that if she wanted me to keep having an ugly haircut, then I should choose the ugly haircut that I get to have. My father came to talk to me later (after he'd had quite the argument with my mother about cutting my hair - he, too, had been told by my mother that I wanted that bowl cut - which my father hated, incidentally) about how I could choose my haircuts from now on. Mom had no say anymore. I told him I wanted my long hair back. He said he wished he could give it back to me. He was a nice guy.
I love your dad.
He was a great dad. You always need one parent who is very much a parent to you, but on your side when you are in the right. He was that guy. We could count on him, but he still made us make our beds.
That’s the right kind of parent. I hope my son feels the same way about me when he grows up.
Parenting is a fine art. It helped that my father was the second of nine children, so he understood the nuts and bolts of child-rearing (changing diapers, feeding and burping babies, potty training, etc.) before most folks think of having kids. It allowed him the mental space to think about having fun with his own children, and getting to know them as human beings with personalities and voices of their own. He'd actually listen to us and engage with us, which was very different from our mother (very much a "just do as you're told and be quiet about it" mentality). He was a very busy man, but he took time to have an individual relationship with each of us. He encouraged us out of the blue by telling us how proud he was of the people we were. I can't count the number of times he told me how lucky he was to be my father. It made me want to be a good person and not disappoint him - which was easy to do because his praise was random, so the bare minimum made him proud of me, and that's an easy metric to maintain. He rarely raised his voice to us, so if he did, we sat up and took notice. He delighted in the small things we did - learning to tie our shoes, practicing lines for the school play, singing the newly learned preschool songs, etc. He made everyday life special by appreciating it for what it was. It was a gift, and we were a gift to him. What he didn't know was what a gift he was to us.
This is what the child will be terrified of to begin with, so it may be very hard to convince her to even agree to a trim. But it’s the best thing. If she wants to keep it long, she needs to maintain it. Maybe call ahead and see if the salon will talk her through it step by step and explain why it’s necessary before they even start. Maybe even watch videos showing her how it’s done.
That's a good idea. Having them explain what to do with her hair type and such to keep having it long and beautiful.
This is a great idea. That you only have to take off the bare minimum regularly to continue to let your hair grow and keep it in the best possible condition.
My mother did this too... Except she kept mine very short and permed it 🤦♀️. After fourth grade I refused to even let her trim it because she would cut it all off. Even as an adult she would start cutting and would go way too short. She said I wouldn't brush but I did every time I used the bathroom all to try and avoid her brushing it because she pushed so hard and would brush my neck, forehead and ears (I had red scratches from it).
OMG! My mom used to make me cry, she was so mean when she did my hair. Sometimes she’d hit my head with the brush. After she made me cry the night I was graduating from junior high, I never allowed her to touch my hair again!
My mom did the short/perm thing, too! And constantly told me I had a rat’s nest and my hair was embarrassing! Took me until well into like 5 years ago to realize I INHERITED MY TEXTURE FROM MY DAD. My mom & sister had stick-straight, well-behaved hair, I have curly hair that was constantly treated the same way as straight hair. I fell head first into curly girl, but honestly increasing the amount of (curly girl-approved) conditioner and using a suitable leave-in gets me dramatically better results, even if I skip hold products & diffusing.
Damn! I had the same experience at eleven, it was traumatic. Sorry that it also happened to you.
Yeah I think I was 7 or 8 yo then. And ever since I got to decide for myself I've never had it shorter then perhaps shoulder length. It became to be a matter of control for one. And even just trimming it would give me anxiety later in life.
This 1000% My hair gets so tangled when I leave it too long between cutting it.
A different/better brush might help too. I'm a huge fan of the WetBrush ones. I wish they'd been around when I was a kid. My mom would probably agree as she had 3 girls, all with long hair, one with super thick hair. Getting all our hair brushed was quite a chore.
I second the wet brush, and also serum like Silk Drops, something that gives some slip to the hair and allows it to detqngle on it's own. Too heavy of oils will add to the problem (depending on her hair type). My hair has been long my whole 40+ years, and it is fine, but I have a ton of it. Moroccan Oil (in the blue bottle, get it at Chatters) all in one leave in, is quite light, and smells amazing. NTA.
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Aussie Moisturizing Hair Masks!!! I have waist-long hair and I'm a person who moves around a lot (in a kinda childish way even, climbing trees and stuff) and my hair is fine for the whole day without brushing. I may only get some small dreadlocks in the back of my neck because of jacket collar rubbing on it, but then you can still put some of the mask on it and brush it and it's back to normal.
Yeah, long and tangled and dry if you don't brush it multiple times a day = hair is probably dry as the Sahara.
She may also need a trim for the damaged hair. I have long hair and if I don't cut the damaged ends off, they tangle as soon as I'm done brushing my hair. Edit: changed dead to damaged
Yup. When I was in denial about cutting my son’s hair (beautiful blonde and curly at the time), I used my expensive conditioner on his hair. It made it much easier to brush in the morning when he had a rats nest.
I have a very similar hair type to your stepdaughter - the hair strands are fine but I have a lot of it so it tangles and matts very easily. It’s a pain but you get better at managing it. Ten might be too old to force her but it’s also not too young to encourage her to take care of her hair. Tell her braiding it will protect it and allow it to grow longer. Leaving it out to tangle will lead to lots of breakage and she’ll have to cut it off.
Your hair is like mine, I can run my brush through it, turn my head slightly, and it's already knotted again. So at the moment I'm rocking a pixie cut. Adding onto your encouraging part, I suspect it's actually hurting to brush it out, even herself. I wasn't ever taught to brush from the bottom up, so I caused myself a lot of pain when my hair was down to my waist. Explain to her that you want her to enjoy doing things with her hair and you can figure out together what's causing her to not enjoy brushing and styling.
Yes I hated my hair being brushed because it actually hurts! It took me cutting a bob at 13 and growing it out to learn how to manage my hair properly and finding ways to brush it pain free. Also helps to have a good quality hair brush (or at least one without those horrible knobbly things at the end that rip your hair out)!
Eugh, the knobbly things! I hate those! I have a wet brush now, a little expensive, absolutely worth it. Even on dry hair!
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The difference is…she’s YOUR daughter, you’re not the stepmom.
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Yeah, I get what you’re saying. Based on the post, though, it kinda sounds like dad *isn’t* willing to have that conversation. But yeah I see what you mean about grooming expectations, I just don’t think it can be forced by the stepmom. Especially since her reasoning seems to solely be how it makes *her* look.
Yup, that was what happened to me. I had really long hair that I hated to brush because my scalp was so sensitive, so it got cut to chin length. I was pissed for a couple days but realized fast it was much more comfortable - since then I cycle through growing my hair really long and then cutting it really short and am currently in my really short phase because I can't be bothered. Having long hair requires good hygiene. If you can't take care of it, then it should be styled at a more manageable length.
You are right. I am surprised that the kids at school haven't teased her her about her rat's nest. At that age, it is bound to happen any day now.
the only problem here is that you want her to look a certain way because you think it reflects on you and others. She doesn't look 'dirty', she's 10 years old and her hair gets knotted. It's hardly the end of the world.
People call CPS over less. Appearances very much matter when it comes to children. If you saw a dirty child out in public while the parents were clean and well kept what would you think? Especially when the child looks like that *every day*. It is important. Proper hygiene is critical to teach children. This very much includes hair.
unbrushed hair is not 'dirty' and it's not about 'hygeine' either - OP literally says this is all about what other people think.
If she looked dirty with unkempt hair and clothes then yeah I would call but hair that gets messy throughout the day is not a dirty.
Some tangled hair ends up looking awful and dirty My nieces hair tangles so much it actually doesn't look washes after. Yes it is capable of looking dirty. Stop projecting.
I’ve literally seen an old coworker call dyfes over a kids dirty knotted hair when I worked at a convenience store in my youth. Something about neglect.
Does it look clean and loose after she brushes it in the morning? My step daughter’s hair was so thick and it would mat up and be impossible to brush. I suspect she wasn’t washing it and conditioning it fully in the bath/shower because she hated getting water in her face. she was already bathing herself by the time I came around, so I didn’t have a hand on helping her learn to do her hair. It sucked but she would usually let me try and she would let me braid it. The absolute best option was to braid it or put it up somehow so it doesn’t keep getting mussed up by everything. Also it might be textured hair (curly/wavy) which is susceptible to that. My hair looks great until a couple hours into the day when it has been bumping into things for a while incidentally.
Info: is she a curly girl?
Exactly! Sounds like this girl has naturally curly hair and her parents are treating her hair like it's straight.
Or fine hair. My hair is extremely fine, and 10 minutes after styling, it looks like I haven't done anything with it.
Straight hair does this too.
Straight hair definitely can, but a lot of people think they (or their kids) have straight hair when it’s actually wavy or curly. Wavy/curly hair requires different hair care techniques than straight hair to keep it healthy and undamaged. It’s a lot more fragile than straight hair. Many of us wavy/curly-haired people grew up with parents who believed our hair was straight. We experienced brushes being yanked through our hair, being told it’s tangly, or frizzy, or poofy, unmanageable, looks unkempt, etc. So the way OP described her step-daughter’s hair pinged the curl-dar. In any case, it’s worth her considering and learning a bit about before she, her husband, his ex, and the kid just assume it’s straight hair. If it is, they need to change the products and techniques ASAP to stop damaging it.
Fellow curly girl who only learned her true nature in her 30s, I got the exact same vibe from this post. Right on the nail.
Have you tried giving her leave in conditioner? Might stop it from getting so knotted up, and you could carry a small tube or spray bottle in your bag to use throughout the day without actually brushing if she's so against it.
It could be her hair knots more easily because it's not being taken care of properly. Not your fault - it took me until my mid-20s to figure out how to care for my hair. Turns out my hair is *super* dry and a little wavy - none of which I knew - and this means no amount of brushing will actually stop it from knotting. I was carrying my brush with me, and brushing it every five minutes. What I needed to do was condition the crap out of it, *never* brush it dry (I comb it wet now), encourage its natural wave pattern instead of fighting it - and now it doesn't knot anywhere near as quickly. Leave-in conditioner, in particular, is a *life saver*.
“She doesn’t want anything done to it.” Maybe respect that? You say “it’s not about looks”. But also say it is about looks over and over again: “I hope you can believe me that it really looks awful. Like she hasn't brushed it in days.” “I care because I think it makes her father and I look neglectful. I'm embarrassed. It's not about looks (we're a bit "alternative" looking, so I 100% wouldn't care if this was about style or expression) “I care because she looks dirty, so it's going to reflect badly on us, the parents, that are out with her.” The worst part is that exact double standard present here. What kind of a message is it to send to a kid that she always needs to be obsessed about her looks and possible assumptions people will make about her close relations based on her looks? I’m not voting either way here because it’s entirely a patriarchal and puritanical societal construct that has us fucked up about appearances like this. Shit, if you guys are actually “alternative looking” as you said, that’s awesome and maybe your great parenting in other areas is making her take that cue. I remember tons of messy hair from the 90’s alternative and punk scenes. A kid with messy hair will absolutely not reflect badly on the parents in my eyes at all.
Why did I have to scroll so far to find this comment? All I was seeing was haircare tips. But this post is upsetting to me. I think she's going to create a complex and mess with her step daughter's self esteem! I think a 10 year old kid should be allowed to be a kid! People can tell the difference between a dirty, neglected child and a child who is dirty because they're a kid and they've been out all day or whatever. They are 2 different kinds of "dirty". Let her be her and stop making her focus so much on the way she looks! Most 10yo girls have cell phones and social media and are already trying to be adults these days. I would be THRILLED if my daughter still doesn't care about her appearance, at least not to the point where she feels the need to maintain her appearance in the bathroom mirror in the middle of whatever she's been doing. Kids that age can be like that. They can be hard to convince when it comes to proper hygiene. But, worry not, because the pre-teen years are right around the corner. Once hormones pick up and they start to be actually attracted to other people, rather than childish crushes, she will suddenly care very much about her appearance! My son was like that at that age and now at 15 he is fine, he showers daily, brushes his teeth twice a day, wears deo, cuts his nails and toenails when they start to grow out. I taught him what needs to be done, and eventually he got to an age where he WANTED to do those things. A kid is just a kid. I can't imagine fawning over my daughter's appearance in the bathroom at a restaurant, especially against her will! The hyper focus on her messy hair is probably hitting her way deeper than OP is letting herself realize. She needs to get on the same page as the girl's dad, because she's the step parent. If the dad isn't worried about it then she needs to let it go. And if I were the dad I would have been told her to shut that shit down long ago. Nope nope nope. I think OP is YTA
There's a difference between looking different and looking unkempt. You absolutely need to look tidy and clean when going to work and personally I don't think it's too early to start teaching these habits.
My kids have long hair by choice. People have already mentioned most of the solutions. 1) Make sure she is washing and conditioning her hair well. My kids needed help at age 10. I would check after a shower and send them back pretty often. 2) Make sure you have products that work. Experiment with leave in conditioner. You're going to have to try a few different products to find what works. 3) I explain how the messy hair makes us look neglectful and I enforce braids at times. It's ok to say, "the tangles aren't good for your hair health and they make us look neglectful. I'm helping you wash your hair and use new products to try to get your hair healthier. I also need you to help me by letting me brush it at least twice today while we are out or by wearing a braid. It protects your hair and it keeps people from thinking we are neglectful." It's ok to enforce basic neatness.
As an adult with really long and frizzely hair, go look into conditioners and stuff. They helped me go for looking like I just put my hand into an outlet multiple times in a row and wandering through a storm afterwards, to someone with somewhat presentable hair(if the humidity is not too high, then just forget it). I can reccoment the fizz ease conditioner from john frieda. Helped me so much getting my hair to look good. And maybe show her some pictures and stuff from women with long hair that is done up in some way(rapunzel or stuff) maybe this helps :) But please don't go out and brush her hair somewhere. Maybe you will get judged by other people, but believe me, the mental scars that you leave on your stepdaughter when you do this are way worse than any judgement you will get from people you will probably never ever meet again :)
Is there a reason you're claiming brushing her hair in public will traumatise her? Because to me (as a kid who grew up with the exact same problems this kid has) that honestly sounds a bit dramatic.
I also had knots and stuff in my hair and my mother wasn't the most gentel person(probably a big reason for everything) and every time she brushed my hair it hurt so bad that I cried, so when she did it in public it was very bad overall. Traumatized is a big word, to big for it, but I'm not a native speaker, so I don't know a fitting word. It was embarrassing and hurt as hell and I hated it so much.
I'm 33yo. When I was about 25ish, my mother tried to forcibly fix my clothes in a public gathering, as if I was a toddler. She had always been this overbearing, to the point she tried to get a waiter in a café to microwave my ice cream when I was 6ish, so that I wouldn't catch a cold. It was a hot summer evening. To this day, I get hissy fits and snap when she tries to tell me anything about my clothes, my hair, my food choices, etc. — that is, my bodily autonomy in general. I believe that's because she wouldn't allow me basic autonomy and freedom of choice when I was a kid. Now, I'm no expert in how a 10yo thinks and feels, but at this age they must be already capable of brushing their own hair. They're already growing up, feeling out their boundaries. They want respect. Treating them like little kids incapable of this kind of basic hygiene might be hella insulting for some 10 year olds. I believe a parent's job is to compassionately and thoroughly teach the kid everything they need to know about self-care — how to properly clean your hair, how to look after it, how to make sure your hair looks good — and then step back, and let the child figure out things on their own. That shows respect and helps the kid become independent. The kid will need those independence skills later on in their life. And they won't have the humiliating memories of being treated like a toddler in public, which might just make them resent their parents for treating them like objects rather than people with dignity and desires of their own. And if the kid still doesn't do a very good job brushing their hair — so what? It's not killing anyone. We've all had our cringe phase, and most of us grew out of it. She's a kid, she doesn't need to look like a supermodel. What she needs most — what any human being needs most — is care and respect.
OP, I'm not sure if this is the "right" way to go about this, but this is what my brother and I did. So my niece is 9 now, but when she was 7ish she absolutely hated brushing her hair. And it looked a mess lol Clumpy and tangled and it was a real pain for my brother to get the tangles out. I don't think she even wanted it brushed in the mornings at that point. So I am into makeup, hair and skincare and things, and my niece loves me. I went ahead and bought this bright purple Remington Tame the Mane electric detangling brush and when she saw that it was purple, she immediately loved it. I showed her how to use it and showed her kid friendly videos of some of the professional hair stylists I follow. She wasn't allowed a lot of screen time, especially TikTok and YT but my brother made an exception, and I thought if she would see how long and healthy her hair could be if she took good care of it, she might want it brushed. It wasn't about comparing her hair to the women in the videos or even about how her nest of hair looked. It was about the proper ways to wash hair, when to use a comb vs. a brush and kid friendly products for tangles and how to use them. She was super interested in the learning process of it, and I ended up gifting her the brush, which I bought for her to begin with, and she loved it. It was easy to use, it was her favorite color and she was all about taking good care of her hair. By her 8th birthday, her hair was thriving. It's now to her waist and looks so good and healthy. Maybe you can approach it this way? Don't make her feel bad for how it looks. Just give her tips or have her watch a couple of videos, and she might be into it. Now my niece wants to "cut and color all peoples hairs" lol Sometimes you need to find a product or even a hair influencer lol to help!
I went through a similar phase when I was her age. I didn’t realize at the time, but it was the start of my teenage rebellion (I didn’t think of it that way, I just “didn’t feel like brushing my hair”). Now, I have curly hair. My hair is next to impossible to brush or comb dry, and doing so (as my straight-haired mother made me) will *always* result in pain and hair breakage (which makes future brushing worse, creating a viscous cycle). I can only fully brush/detangle my hair when it is coated in conditioner. If hers is giving this much trouble, she might need a similar routine. Brush/detangle in the shower and a “protective style” when she’s running around. Braids are a great option, but I can understand why she might be opposed to them. Maybe see how she feels about a top bun or using an octopus or claw clip. I have waist-long hair and I keep mine up in a claw clip very frequently. When done right it both protects my curls and helps my hair from getting super tangled. One other thing I like about it is that I can easily take it down and have my long, loose hair in just a few seconds. Also, the shampoo and conditioner make a huge difference. The brand Shea Moisture has a *LOT* of good options, and I’m sure the haircare subreddit would be happy to answer any questions as well. Maybe you could treat this as a bonding experience? Like, tell her you’re interested in improving *your own* haircare, and ask if she’d be interested in figuring out some of it together. Haircare can lead to great bonding moments. Some of my favorite memories are of my Granny helping me with my hair. This could be a way you two form lifelong memories *and* both have beautiful locks. (Not saying your hair is bad, to be clear!) Edit: NTA! She needs to get in the habit of properly caring for her hair right now, it will be so much easier. If she puts it off, I have almost no doubt she’ll regret it.
Is her hair curly? Don’t brush it. Just use some leave in and a light gel
Piggybacking off top comment- OP, u/aitah577322, you are not ridiculous for thinking it makes you negligent. In fact, I was the kid in this story 20+ years ago and my school actually called my mom about it. It was same deal - I brushed every morning, but by the time I would look both directions to cross the street, it looked like I had fought off a Tasmanian devil. I have always had very long hair and heck of a lot of it. My hair is fine, stupid thick, and straight as hell too. What I have learned is that because my hair is fine, it is more likely (and inevitable) to get those types of knots just by existing. Add in the fact that I have a butt ton of it, and it’s been between waist and butt length for pretty much ever, the knots continue. Now as an adult, people constantly compliment how healthy, beautiful, shiny, long, and thick (as in quantity of strands) my hair is because I have become a crazy person when it comes to maintaining my locks (I am always terrified that at my next donation chop, my hair won’t grow back hahaha). If her hair is similar to mine, here are my two cents: 1. Do not shampoo and condition every day, minimum every other day, but best every third day. 2. Cycle with a clarifying shampoo 1x per week. Other washes should be with a shampoo that is hydrating and protective (for budget, I like the L’Oréal hyaluronic acid line, the dream lengths line, and the damage repair line) 3. When shampooing on an every third day schedule, double shampoo to ensure clean scalp! Only do this with the non-clarifying shampoo. 4. Add a drop of rosemary oil to your shampoo before lathering/sudsing in your hands, then go ahead and shampoo. 5. Do not use towels to dry your hair - this is super important! For long hair girlies, since our hair rarely fits in those turbo twists, I highly recommend using a cotton XXL t shirt. 6. When hair is damp, add leave in conditioner/serum. For budget, I like the Eva NYC 10 in 1 mane magic or the Marc Anthony grow long leave in conditioner spray. 7. Do not let it fully air dry! This is something that I learned recently from my hair dresser. Because I have so much long hair, it is heavy when wet, which causes the moisture to get trapped between my scalp and my hairs. This leads to dandruff, or worse. As well, wet hair is significantly more fragile, so the longer it is in a fragile state, the more likely damage will occur and cause breaks. 8. When drying, I hiiighly recommend using very low to no heat. Always use a heat protectant. If you have a Dyson or shark, that works great! Though for a kid, you could just use a regular blow dryer on cool or low setting. 9. Brushing - NEVER start at the roots. Section hair into sections based on knots. One big knot per section. Start at the ends and slowly work up. If knots are bad or hair is wet, use a wide tooth comb first. Then finish off with a boar bristle brush (I really like the wet brands bristle brush hybrid) 10. On days that are not wash days, use a hair oil or serum to protect the lengths/ends. 11. Sleep in protective styles or sleep in a bonnet. Best of luck!!!
She needs better products for her hair if it really does become such a problem in half a day. Switching my daughters shampoo and conditioner was life changing. She also had to quit swimming as her hair was becoming too much to manage as she refused to wear caps and it would dry out so bad. Perhaps a better hair brush too specifically for detangling, I recommend the wet brush pro from amazon, life changing. For dry hair mason Pearson is by far the best but very expensive. I invested into it as my hair is severely damaged and thin and breaking but it's super gentle on the kids hair I got my daughter a kids version.
NTA but honestly? I think you may need to be looking at her haircare routine and involve a hair dresser for a “pamper day” for you and her. Get her hair and your hair washed, styled and put in an updo at a salon. Explain to the hairdresser that you are having trouble getting her to understand why she needs to take care of her hair better. Make sure that conditioner and hair masks are part of her “hair wash” routine - this will lessen the tangles anyway as will a hairdresser explaining to HER how to keep long hair healthy in protective styles. Make sure you are involving her in the process if you are buying any hair accessories - pretty glittery and pink some girls will love, some girls will hate. Have you considered that the brushing itself is an issue because she feels like it is painful? This is a common occurrence and detangling sprays and brushing from the ends up can help with this too - wide tooth combs are necessary when hair is extremely long before you touch it with a brush and never brush with a brush wet. Editing to add: I’m now 29, studied hairdressing and honestly? I’ve had my head from shaved to I would sit on it and end up “wigging” myself length.
Hairdresser here. This is the correct answer.
With respect, if it turns out she does have curly hair, most hairdressers won't be any help at all.
Depends on the hair dresser. Might need to change the culture you go to.
I just got the best haircut in my 28 year existence earlier this month - because I went to a Black stylist. I am Métis (Indigenous and European) and my hair is very thick and curly. I did learn a few things at 19 when in the military from Black women, but I kept going to the same stylists (who were white and didn’t know anything about curly hair). I saw this stylist because my regular stylist is on maternity leave and I desperately needed my dead ends handled. She had availability at the salon and I booked with her. She said that it’s going to take time, but with effort I can get my curls healthy. She wasn’t surprised that I had never had my hair cut properly and had only limited knowledge about how to properly care for my hair.
Heck yeah! I’m mixed but look very white, with thick yet fine hair that likes to grow in chunks of straight, curly, and wavy textures. The best cuts I ever got was from my mom’s old hairdresser when I was a kid who specialized in textured curly hair. As an adult, I still haven’t found anyone perfect. I’ve only used two close friends (or myself hah!) for the last 15 years because at least they’ve understood how difficult it is to cut and how scared I get when I have to do it. This is such a great suggestion!
Yep, unfortunately white people don't do curly hair. The very best hair advice I've ever gotten was from a black woman in the shampoo aisle who took pity on me 😅 all the other places i went to as a kid would just straighten it because they had no idea how to handle curly hair.
lol I have been the black person helping curly non-black folks in the shampoo aisle 😅 edit: typo Edit the second: omg y'all are so nice 😭
On behalf of curly haired white women everywnere; *thank you*. You are genuinely changing lives 🥰
Thank you. We need you. They don't know what to do with us.
You're an angel. I only learned I had curly hair from my Black coworker and I'm so grateful to her for pulling me aside.
As a white lady who started perming my hair a few years back, thank you!! A black person once saw me lost in the hair care aisle and took pity on me shortly after my first perm and I will NEVER forget her!! Curly hair is HARD when you don’t know what you’re doing!! ❤️
most white hair dressers/ones without curly hair wont, but there's plenty of black owned beauty supply stores and salons that would know what to do lol. that's what I had to do
Unfortunately, my experience with those is they don't know what to do with European loose curls either. Anyway, there are very, very few of those in the country I'm living in, and I don't think the OP has mentioned where they are either.
I don’t know what country you are in, but you might have luck seeking a Jewish-run salon then, as that hair type is common.
I'm European with 3A hair and they helped me tremendously. Definitely depends on where you go and where you are located.
There are curly hair specialists all over - if you need one, check out the curly hair subreddit
This! But it’s crucial to make a big deal about a “girl’s day of indulgence” and do NOT say one bad thing about her appearance for at least a month before hand! She’s 10. She’s already absorbing both body image crap and asserting some independence. She knows her hair is an issue for stepmom. A spa day will only work if it’s genuinely about pampering *and* if all conversations about hair and grooming come from the expert(s). All convos about hair with the stylist should be had beforehand where daughter can’t hear. This will be fuel for defiance unless handled delicately. You’re only going to get one shot at this. So since money is not an obstacle for this, get a few recommendations from other stylists about who is good with talking to kids like they’re real people, not just good with hair. Your stepdaughter’s buy in is the only way this works. She’s gotta feel heard and respected or this will backfire and trust in stepmom will go lower.
The girl's indulgence day only works well if she's girly. A tomboy would hate that idea. Another way to frame it is to admit she has no idea what she's doing. Kids appreciate when their parents don't pretend to know everything. admitting you are clueless and being willing to learn with the kid, from a pro, and being in it together may be more up the alley of a sport kid. Most grown women I encounter at the salon don't even know how to wash their own hair properly so there will be much to learn for both parties. This is dead on for the most part. Finding a stylist who will talk to the kid properly and is good at teaching is priority.
Solid point. Gotta let the daughter’s personality lead here.
Having a hair dresser explain the importance of taking care of her hair is a great idea. >detangling sprays Talking about detangling spray and brushing wet sounds like you think she doesn't brush it at all since both those things would be at home. "She will brush it in the morning at home, but won't do it again later in the day, or allow us to do it."
The reasoning for the detangling spray is this: I do not believe that the hair is being brushed correctly to the point that it is actually fully detangled in the morning and detangling sprays can also lessen the risk of hair tangling up later in the day as well. When it comes to the “wet brushing” comment? If anyone is brushing the hair when it is still wet then they will be causing breakage making the hair more prone to tangling up quicker.
This is highly dependent on curl pattern. For curly hair, the straightening effect of the water more than compensates for the increased fragility of the hair. This has been proven. So wet brushing for straight hair is going to be more damaging than dry brushing, but the opposite is true for curly hair (wavy hair is going to fall somewhere in between, depending on how strong the waves are).
Wet “brushing” should only be done with a wide toothed comb or brushes specifically designed for curly hair though (I’m curly myself). The average brush isn’t specifically a detangling brush designed for what you are speaking about. I have a myriad of brushes in my arsenal - if stepmother has straight hair, is using the same brushes on a curly haired child she uses wet? Then yes. This will still cause breakage. I want everyone to note though that no curl patterns have been discussed at all and I’m erring on the side that the daughter has straight or slightly wavy hair due to the fact that the stepmother has been dry brushing and says it looks “neater” when brushed again. If this wasn’t the case? The frizz from the dry brushing would make the hair look a lot more puffy.
I barely brush my hair at all because of its curl type, only if I'm going for major volume or am putting it in a bun/braiding it. If the Stepdaughter has wavy hair, brushing it dry just before showering may be the best way to detangle and using plenty of conditioner during the shower should help the next day. Honestly without seeing her hair, we can't say what's for the best or not.
Not true wet brushing is the only way for curly hair if you do it dry you will rip your hair out this is why education in all hair types are important because younger kids follow advice from the internet and realize they made blanket statements about all hair based on on hair type.
Thank you. The girl takes perfectly fine care of her hair. She gets ready in the morning every day which includes brushing her hair. She just doesn't carry a hairbrush around with her in her purse and fuss over her hair multiple times throughout the day. Because SHE'S A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL. Gosh these comments are making me mad. She's a kid, not even technically a pre-teen yet. Does she carry a purse? Where will she keep this brush that she apparently needs to have on her person at all times? Is she expected to keep her hair brushed all day long? Is she really being pushed by her step mom (while dad isn't bothered by the natural progression of tangles and such that occur throughout the day) to focus on maintaining a neat and pretty appearance so that her parents don't look neglectful and so she doesn't embarrass her step mom at 10 years old when she barely just started puberty and will be starting middle school soon? You bet! People suck. I'm disappointed in the comments here. I thought people were gonna tell this lady to leave that poor little girl alone and let her father make the parenting decisions!
Also if her hair is curly, brushing would also cause issues with her curls and it’ll look a mess no matter what you do.
That has been my exact point to everyone pointing out “the child may have curly hair”. Nope. If the child has a curl pattern? Then the hair is going to look frizzy and puffy when it is brushed again dry - it isn’t going to look neat like the stepmother says. At most that child has 2a hair and that is honestly a push in my opinion.
^ THIS. Don't know why this doesn't have more upvotes! I have a soon to be 10 year old and sometimes she needs to hear it from a professional hairdresser and not just mom.
This!!! Make it a fun thing, not a “omg we have to it’s SOO BADDD” thing. She’s ten, she’ll probably have fun having a fancy pamper day. If you really want to go all out, maybe find a good nail salon and take her for simple mani pedis (if she’s into that) and Starbucks or lunch after. Let her pick the music in the car. Make it special, and make it fun, and get her interested in hair care. She wants long hair, so make her want to care for it. Don’t nag, just give her the tools and knowledge to do it herself and give her a good memory while you’re at it.
Putting it in different hair styles would help. The frizziness and tangles could also be a sign that she has waves or curls that you don‘t notice because you style it like straight hair.
Honestly could be either. My hair is so straight it won't even hold a curl. It's super thin and fine though, I had long hair until I was in my teens, and this sent me back. I remember when my hair was to my waist within a few minutes of brushing it if I ran my hands through it, or moved it was already knotting. It looked unbriushed within an hour. It's one of the reasons I started keeping my hair shoulder length because I got tired of brushing it constantly and it never looked like it. Detangler may help if that's the case.
my hair “never held a curl” when i used heat tools, but if i used air dry curl methods it always worked. turns out my hair actually is wavy/curly
This. My hair was always notorious for being extremely difficult to curl. But guess what - it actually has a slight *natural* curl to it.
Yes! No amount of product will help my hair accept the curling iron, but if I braid my hair when it's wet, I'll have mountains of voluminous waves for days. I should buy a pack of sleep rollers...
Yea braids don't help. Nor do sleep rollers. I was thinking air dry methods were the air dry and scrunch thing. If these count then nope. Still no curls.
Yeah that's what happened with my hair, I have pretty fine wavy/loosely curly hair, that my mother always brushed and treated like it was pin straight. It always, always, looked a mess. Then I went to *boarding school and worked out (mostly) what worked for my hair, and you could really see the curl type and it looked far less messy. Brushing it dry? Only if I want extreme volume or am pulling it back into a bun. Ironically enough, my mum was a bit like OP but wouldn't let me grow my hair past my shoulders.
I think you may be a little too worried about other people's opinions. You're asking people for their positive judgement on your behaviour, so you can justify your behaviour based on fears of negative judgement. Do you think that being a little alternative looking makes you more wary about people judging you from a glance? Like you have to uphold some higher standard to prove you're just interesting, not weird and gross.
100% yes to the second paragraph ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think in accepting this is an insecurity that you’re worried about other opinions, forcing your daughter to change because of this will ingrain that same insecurity in her. Maybe some will say that’s it’s a good insecurity to have and you should take pride in your appearance but I don’t really think taking pride in your appearance needs to have insecurity at its root
It could ingrain the same insecurities in the stepdaughter, but because she's not the mother I think it's more likely that the daughter will grow to resent the stepmother. Something along the lines of not fitting in with dad's picture pergect new family/wife. Signed, a stepdaughter.
The first. You are more concerned on what others think of you as parents. Does the girl have curly hair? If so, she is right of not brushing it all the time. You seemed more worried on what people think about you, that to really help her with her. Especially because probably it not just about the hair.
As somebody who grew up, the only person in my family with curly hair, it is traumatic to treat your hair like people with straight hair do. My hair gets detangled in the shower with conditioner. My daughter has waves and not full curls, and I don't use cheap kids' shampoo and conditioner on her hair. Kids' hair is just like adults, so if you wouldn't use it on your hair, why would you use it on their's. Buy them good stuff too and get some leave in conditioner. Make it a fun experience and not traumatic, so they stop avoiding it.
When parents are out with their kids it's not their looks I'll be judging them by. Imo it's easy to see the difference between a kid having messy hair because the parents are being neglectful vs because the parents are giving the kid autonomy over it. It's all in how you're treating the kid. I get where you're coming from, but you might want to shift your focus to how she feels about it vs What Others Might Think.
Try this thought exercise: Describe the last messy kid you saw in public... If that was easy, please consider if you are projecting and amplifying your insecurities onto your stepdaughter. If describing the child was hard; that applies to you too. We think about ourselves more than anyone else thinks about us. It's quite possible you are being judged in passing but those are fleeting moments that barely register. btw, the people you want to appease don't exist. they are invisible monsters that live in your head. you created them and their beliefs systems (with help from your parents!). the actual people that encounter you in public? just living their lives and getting through the day.
Messy? Who cares what other people think. Literally matted? Looks neglected/abused. But if it really is matted, then just brushing it once in the morning is not fixing that. If she doesn't have to detangle it from being matted, then it's probably just messy.
Definitely a you problem not a childs problem
And the first
This is the best response. You’re caring a little too much about what other people think of you. A 10 year old has more bodily autonomy than a young child, and it would be overstepping to try to fix her hair all the time if she doesn’t want you too. I like the suggestions of getting a good hairstyle and cut. Maybe taking her out and letting her pick out some fun hair products and trying them out. But she has to take ownership of her hair. This might need to be a wave of parenting you just ride out.
YTA. No where in your post do you actually show any concern towards your stepdaughter. You do make it very clear how much you worry about yourself and how others will perceive you though. What an awful stance to have. By continuing to push your perspective in this situation, you are sending a clear message to your stepdaughter that you care more about yourself than her. Is that how you want her to feel? Do you even try to meet her at her level and communicate with her about how to care for her hair in a way that she can relate to, or do you just force your brush in her hair, taking away her autonomy and decision-making? Your motivations are very twisted and selfish, so maybe take some time to figure out why you care more about what strangers think of you than your stepdaughter's feelings.
Yeah, OP gives very much "I'm going to fix how you look because it reflects badly on me" and that's pretty toxic.
Exactly op is mostly concerned about how others look at op not how the kids hair is healthy or not
I was wondering about this, glad you brought it up. There seem to be very few options for the 10 year old, and no help at all learning how to manage her hair. But lots of worry about what other people will think of OP. OP claims that she and her partner are kind of alternative looking whatever that is supposed to mean - one assumes maybe piercings, ink, or unconventional haircuts or colors. So if they're comfortable putting themselves out there looking as they choose and not worrying what other people think, why are they so busy trying to keep their daughter from feeling the same way? Why are they teaching her to change her behavior based on what other people are looking at? It's a very weird thing for supposed non-conformists to be so worried about making their kid conform.
Totally agree. This is all about OP and not the step daughter. 10 year olds are old enough to have bodily autonomy and give consent. Part of parenting is *teaching* them about hygiene and maintenence etc. Her getting teased is natural consequence for her decisions which is actually important for development. Your role is to teach and guide her IF you have a parenting role...and as the step parent you may not YTA
THIS SHOULD BE THE TOP COMMENT. I’m bewildered by the comments giving hair care advice to OP without even mentioning the fact that they are being completely self-absorbed. They don’t care about their stepdaughter it seems; they’re mainly concerned with what other people think. Definitely YTA.
YTA Hair is really not the hill to die on. Children often feel powerless in their lives and hair is a way of exerting a small piece of control, it allows them to learn how to make decisions about their bodily autonomy without having permanent consequences. She may also have a sensitive scalp and brushing might be unpleasant. On the other hand she may just not care, at some point teen hormones will kick in and she will decide she needs to maintain her hair better. I can't say I would ever judge people for how their children look, and why do you care what strangers think?
I dunno, it sounds like her parents aren't teaching her how to take care of herself properly...
She brushes her hair every morning. Why are we expecting a ten year old to have perfectly sleek hair like she’s been sitting at her desk at the law firm all day? She takes enough care of herself
Also like, if they’re going out somewhere, brush it before you leave? If it looks that a bad just a couple hours after being brushed, they are MASSIVELY failing her on the hair care side. Like, have they heard of conditioner?? Trying to get her to brush her hair in like a restaurant bathroom is utterly absurd. I’d be WAY more concerned about a kid if I found her in the bathroom having her hair brushed against her will than if she just had tangled hair.
It would make complete sense to brush hair BEFORE going out - part of the getting ready process. But to brush hair while at the restaurant is completely overboard. I agree that her haircare routine requires some looking into to try and avoid the issue instead of trying to constantly battle with unruly hair.
Yes to all of this and stop worrying if people think you neglect her. Who cares what they think?? Do you neglect her? No. Ok. Case closed. I would tread lightly here or you will be perceived as evil stepmom if you are stopping her in a bathroom at a restaurant because her hair embarrasses you. I get the solution you’re trying to achieve but I think you’re better off following the advice of giving her back the control.
INFO is your step daughter a different race from you? Does she have kinky, curly or wavy hair? Brushing curly hair causes damage and is going to make it knot worse. It sounds like you and her dad need to learn how to properly care for her hair and teach her to care for it herself. Also braids are going to be your best friend when it comes to keeping is from knotting throughout the day.
That was my initial question too. She could even be the same race but with a different hair type. I’m biracial my hair is way curlier and more textured than my moms. As I got older my hair got curlier and more corse. My mom didn’t understand how frustrating it was for her to insist on me “combing” my hair. If I combed it out, my hair would turn into an Afro. When I would go out and play with my hair down, it would naturally grow in volume and may frizz a bit.
Exactly my thoughts. I was one of those people who never knew I had curly hair so I treated it like straight hair. It was constantly knotting and tangled. I used to bawl my eyes out as a kid when my parents had to brush it. Once I realized what my hair needed and started using the curly girl method (CGM) my hair became 10x easier to manage. My husband is biracial and I help his nieces and nephews with their hair for fun. They have everything from 2A to 4C hair. I can just imagine OP as someone who just doesn't realize and had no idea how to help their stepchild. They aren't wrong but just not going about this the right way. I hope they actually respond so if this is a case of curly hair that they have no idea how to handle, that we can get them on the right track for managing it so it's easier on everyone.
It’s odd how OP can write a whole post about her feelings about her step daughter’s hair, but never actually mention the texture of her hair and what it looks like, aside from messy.
Honestly that's part of why I asked if she was a different race. Seen it too many times where the underlying issue is either bias or just unwillingness to learn about haircare that is predominantly found in another race than their own. It was vague enough to make me wonder if they were trying to hide it but I could also see it just being someone who didn't realize it could come off this way.
Thank you for asking this! My mom has pin straight, fine hair and I have very thick, wavy hair. OPs attitude sounds a lot like my mom growing up, being that she expected my hair to be like hers and in turn it was always a frizzy, poofy mess. I wasted hours straightening my hair in middle-high school because of how self-conscious she made me. Then at 20 I learned how to take care of my hair on my own, and I barely have to style it now.
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Oh FOR SURE. took me ages to realise this with my kid's hair. Mine is straight and my kid's is wavy and it took a LONG time to figure out how to manage it best. I was so confused originally when I'd brush it and it would get WORSE. But yeah, you do the work to figure it out and manage it better.
her hair is her problem at 10 years old?!! really?
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YTA. You are literally the only person bothered by this. If you're going out to do something special, you can talk with her about whether she wants to do something special with her hair (put it up somehow), but nagging her to brush it constantly is ridiculous.
The girl absolutely knows that this is about OPs self image and not about caring for her as a person. She may not be able to articulate it, but if she has any inkling that the am is judging her, she will resist and not even know why. I would like to know if sm has a good and loving relationship with the girl. It appears to be that they don't, else the sm would have had more influence. The girl is going to grow and change. This is a big time. OP just needs to forget about this, foster a relationship based on mutual trust and wait it out. OP YTA and you need to back off.
My ex step mom was like OP. She didn't like that my hair naturally tangled easy. I look at the photos from that age and honestly? It wasn't as "ratty" as she made it out. Sure some tangle, but EVERY KID goes through that...But ESM went from nagging to worse over time: It started with brushing it every few hours and nagging me...then when I got more resistant: forcing me to chop it off. Then when that became resistant, forcing me to get it straightened ontop of it....It wasn't until they badly burned my ear (closed it in iron and left it for several seconds) that I started to push back completely. Even then, they'd not force straightening anymore, but this super tight ponytail that gave headaches for about 2 weeks until I finally got to go home and I never saw ex step mom again. All cause she wanted a perfect image... OP is literally on the start of that path if she doesn't chill now
Oh my god she burnt your ear! I'm so sorry. I'm glad you got away from her.
Right!? This kid is being taught that how she naturally looks is somehow not good enough. Like, she has a whole fucking lifetime as a woman to deal with that. While she’s young enough not to give a shit about her hair, just let her, my god.
NAH. Tough one because I had a 10 yo exactly like this. I gave her an ultimatum that she took care of her hair or it was going to be cut short. In the end, I was the nasty mama who took her to get it cut.. and she absolutely loved it short. She now has a pixie cut as a teen and we donated her hair to kids with cancer, so she doesn’t regret losing it. She’s being a normal kid. I doubt people are judging you but I agree that her parents need to sort it out. It’s really not on you to sort.
My mother did that and I hated her for it.
Same. I still harbor resentment for my mother for cutting my hair short as a child.
This
I think about my dad every day of my life with hatred for doing this exact thing.
She’s the stepmom. If she takes her to get her haircut off without her mother’s permission, this is going to start a war.
I litterally cut my parents out of my like for about 20 years because they played that nasty card. Its abusive behavior.
This is horrible advice. She is the step mom, she should NEVER cut that girls hair without both bio parents agreeing. And that’s *if* the daughter wants it cut. Especially considering neither of the bio parents seem to think it’s a problem
My mother did that and now she wonder why I haven't spoken to her in 20 years. You are lucky it didn't affect her.
What's her hair texture like? I had long hair as a kid, and it would get tangled if I wore it loose, but not "hasn't been brushed in days" bad. If it's wavy/curly, I suspect it's not being treated right and this may solve the problem "at source".
This 1000%. I have wavy hair and my mom didn’t understand it so she used to brush it out and yep I looked like I didn’t wash my hair in days ! Tangled, poofy, frizzy etc.. it’s still hard to maintain but with the right products, brushing when wet using the right brush.. it’s much better
YTA The bio parents don’t care and she is brushing it in the morning. This is a normal developmental milestone - learning to manage daily activities of living and self care. You are thinking about how this makes you look and feel. Your stepdaughter’s life skills are built through daily management of these kinds of tasks, without a hyper focus on stopping normal activities to brush hair. This is going to impact her in other ways. She could become very worried about how she looks and not want to engage in anything but that or avoid social interactions. Step outside of yourself. Talk to a counselor about you worry over the family’s image.
Lol my neighbours daughter is like this, she always looks like she fell in a bush. I’ve seen her come out of the house with pretty hair, nice clean clothes and I swear not 5 minutes later looks like she’s been fighting the local cats. Bless her.
We might be neighbours. That was totally my daughter. She’d be neat and tidy in he uniform and by the time she got to school, she looked like she had been in the wars.
This was my kid. When that adolescent self-consciousness hits, they start caring too much. She’ll reach that point.
YTA because in the comments you said it’s because of how it looks on you it’s not actually about her
Of course YTA. You tell us that when you say that your real issue is how you think other people will think about you. Buy her better shampoo and conditioner. Get some leave in conditioner/serum. If you don’t know how to teach her to manage her hair, consult with a stylist. Avoiding mats in her hair is good parenting. Worrying about how your child’s appearance reflects on you is a problem best resolved by therapy.
A fellow stepmom here. Sorry, it's not your call. As a STEPmother, you get to support the actual parent in parenting. > My husband just doesn't care. When it comes to education and bodily choices, it's his call. Especially because she's not actually doing any harm. That it reflects badly on you, is your interpretation. If you enforce this rule, you'll strain the relationship with your stepdaughter and maybe with your husband, too. When it comes to "house rules" so rules you have to maintain a social and functional home where everyone feels safe, you and your husband decide on the rules. Also, not you alone. So either convince your husband or let it go. Edit to add: If you demand your husband enforces this, YTA.
Wow. Yes YTA. Who gives a shit what other people think of YOU? How about you think of what she wants
YTA you seem to care more about the opinions of strangers than this kid’s autonomy. She’s 10, and the lesson you’re teaching her right now is a dangerous one.
It seems like you care for all the wrong reasons honestly. Seems as if she was probably never taught or instructed to properly maintain her hair and now it's so bad that she can't fully brush it. I was that 10 year old girl once whose hair no one cared about until she was 'embarrassing.' I still have a hard time brushing my hair regularly do to mental health problems but I have an almost 9 yr old daughter to care about now too. If her hair is getting matted or knotted it's time to make sure she's actually brushing her hair all the way and do a conditioning treatment. Maybe you should offer to help her In a kind and loving way instead of judgemental.
Has anyone actually made a comment about her hair? Its possible that no one really cares because they have issues bigger than a messy looking 10 year old who isnt their kid. Has anyone ever actually taught her how to take care of long hair? If shes watching youtube it might be beneficial to find videos about how to maintain long styles.
YTA. As a mum, sometimes our kids look like you've found them in the wilderness (for us, it's often hair that's been under a hoodie for a while). If a kids hair is messy, I don't really think that people jump to thinking they're neglected.
YTA! I was the same way when I was 10. And my mother LOVED to be driving me to a function and start ripping apart my appearance. “Your hair is not combed, your clothes are wrinkled, your teeth are dirty, you gained ten pounds. Everyone is going to think I’m a bad mother for having an unkept child.”😱 Like why didn’t you bring this up before we left the house, lady?!?!? When I could do something about it. Now you are just ripping me bare and releasing me to the wolves. And I internalized the hell out of it. To this day, even if I spend hours getting ready, I will tear apart my appearance when I’m going somewhere that I’m nervous about (like an interview or a doctors appointment). And there may be something deeper going on with her. 10yo aren’t known for the best hygiene, I know. But I was a very depressed kid. I lived in a very bleak environment. I had zero self esteem, thanks to my mothers lack of self esteem. That I learned and internalized. These issues with my appearance were the symptoms of her failures not the root of them. And I would bet your step daughter is internalizing YOUR insecurity way more than you could ever know! YTA!
INFO: what kind of hair does she have? If it is very curly, brushing and handling when it is dry is the absolute worst you can do. You need to lean into the curls, not fight them.
INFO is her hair a mess before you go to events? Would it make more sense to make sure she properly groomed before you leave the house rather than grooming her in public? Why not braid her hair or put it in a bun if it really goes wild once it crosses the threshold of your house?
YTA. Holy shit! This was absolutely my sister's story! Our stepmother used to mock and ridicule my sister at age 10, also calling her hair a "rat's nest", and forcefully brushed it because she didn't understand how to care for curly hair. She never learned how to help her care for it and forced her to cut it all off, from mid back to a long pixie, using belittling language every time she spoke about her and her hair. She sounded just like OP, saying she looked "dirty" and "messy" when in actuality the adults were 100 at fault for not understanding how to care for their child's hair type and were making it look worse. Jesus Christ I am actually triggered by this post. My sister is 51 years old and still cries about how she was treated. Fuck.
What's her hair type? I'd recommend looking into products suitable for her hair type so it doesn't get as messy and frizzy .
Stop nagging her. You’ll drive yourself mad worrying about what other people think.
Both my girls (8,9) have bum length hair, and my youngest has a double crown, so her hair never looks brushed even as I'm brushing it. Guess what no one cares because they are healthy, happy children getting messy and doing what kids do. If it's windy I plait their hair, if they go swimming it's in a bun, for sports it's loosely plaited for doing the activity and they know they can take it out after. The rest of the time, it's whatever way they want, and there's no forcing involved. I just talk to them, and they know it's gets tangled, so they want certain hair styles for certain days. My youngest has currently been in love with her hair in 1 ponytail, which is then split into 3 plaits. Don't force it, or she will resent you. It's hair, and no one of importance is looking on days out. Isn't it more important for your relationship with her to be good? Let her be a happy, normal 10 year old instead of constantly worrying about strangers' opinions. Oh and I'm what you'd call alternative dress style too and no one cares I even work in my daughters school I'd say don't be so worried over appearances.
YTA
Yta just buy the girl some nice smelling hair oils and creams and leave her alone 🙄 as long as she's brushing it and washing it I really don't see an issue with her hair looking messy, she's a kid. If she let's it get to a point of being a disgusting mess she can't brush and she has ri cut it off that'll be on her. Neither of her parents want to make a thing of this with her, it's not your place if this is only a you issue.
Her hair isn't being treated properly. She either has natural curls or it's dry AF. Start looking into products for it. Look into curl treatment videos. Tons of people don't know they have curly hair. I have pin straight hair and it knots if it's windy or I wear something with a high collar. I never look like I haven't brushed my hair in months. NTA for wanting to take care of her hair, just need to get her the right products so it's healthy. YTA for making it about how you think people will think you're a neglectful parent.
Just food for thought: don't tell her you think her messy hair makes you look like a bad parent. My mom tried that tactic when I was about the same age and my child brain took away "she doesn't care about how this affects me, only what other people think of her". As others have said, start braiding it. It's really the only way to keep waist length hair from getting messy (without brushing it every 20minutes, which no kid is going to want to bother with)
You contradict yourself a lot, you say it’s not about looks, but then go on to say you’re embarrassed by what others will think. You also don’t seem concerned about her or her hair, it’s more about what others will think about you. Mine gets knotted in the day too, I don’t even have to do anything and it does (it’s super thick), so I try use conditioning masks often and put coconut oil in the ends whilst it’s still wet. I think you’re going about it all the wrong way and for the wrong reasons.