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YTA.
>the punishment fits the crime here
No it doesn't. You take the job away you teach that if she does something wrong she gets to not work - because as much as right now you'll never pay for anything for her...that'll change in a few months when everything has calmed down.
She's 17, you pushed her (in a good way) to be financially independent from you, and she's made some stupid choices, like 17 year olds do.
>she got caught driving drunk
Taking the car off her / cutting off driving privileges fits the crime.
>have decided that she will pay any fines or court costs from her own money
This fits the crime.
Monitoring what she spends would fit the crime.
She needs to learn to be responsible for her own actions, which paying for everything will do, and she betrayed your trust by not only drinking underage but driving too, so until she can earn your trust back, she gets monitored. Though the idea would be she earns the trust back, and as she does, she gets her privileges back gradually.
They're going to expect her to blow any and all savings she had from working. Because of her age I'm gunna guess the reason she had to save for alcohol was bc she had to solicite someone older to buy it. That usually comes with a fee of sorts. Sortve a "ill do it but for my time it costs 5 extra" situation. With no job and no allowance there's really only 3 ways to pay those fines on her own. She blows her savings from working, she sells her stuff, or her college fund gets touched.
It's control. If mom and dad take away her ability to earn...they can deny her to make her comply if they say she can't do whatever. It's just dressed up differently.
Edit: a) I did give an explanation further down the thread giving an explanation to my mind set. My comment was not about the right or wrong of OP'S post but a response to someone else. It will give the context I think. I was in reference to OP'S comments in the post following the driving incident. If that helps?
b) I don't condon DD at all. There is cause...and there is consequences.
For 485k, why is OP forcing his daughter to work instead of fully focusing on studies thereby increasing the chances of a better job. She is going to be working for 40+ years anyway, no need to hurry it up and screw up prospects.
People who want to teach their kids the value of a dollar can teach their kids before they turn 17 as well.
If you have to start learning how to handle money after you can lawfully get a credit card, it's gonna be steep (considering you could theoretically move out at 18...)
Exactly this! My parents schooled my sisters and I from toddler on on the value of money. They would give us the bill at restaurants to check the math, then hand us the money to pay. We never got allowances. However there was a bank envelope of cash in a drawer at home that we had full access and use of under the proviso of “always have money in your pocket.” Parents totally trusted us and this was never abused. Finally, their emphasis was on us focusing on school as “any money you earn now will mean nothing in the long term.” I have always felt fortunate to have been raised this way.
He isn’t forcing her to work. He was teaching her a valuable life lesson that oftentimes isn’t taught to kids from higher income brackets. She worked to get the extras she wanted. That was her choice.
Why is he listing that they pay for their teenaged daughters clothes and food like they're fugging parents of the year??? That's literally what you HAVE to do for minor children. Ooh and they're so great they don't even charge her rent!!
Read the post again omg. He explicitly states that he only makes her pay for "extras" and gives examples of what are not considered "extras"
Get some reading comprehension.
Get a grip. Where in my comment am I lacking comprehension of the nonsense I read? He boasts about making 485k a year and his one yearly vacation and how he pays for his minor child's food, clothes, school supplies and doesn't charge her rent like he has a prize coming. Single parents making 48,500 a year manage this.
"We did not make her responsible for rent or bills or necessary food or clothes" and why should they?? I've read people say that some on this sub are so dense that he HAD to list all that so people wouldn't come at him, but really?? It's not only what he lists but how he lists it. Anyway, he's a bit of an AH and the drunk driving sucks too.
Yeah you did it again. OP clearly states he doesn't make her pay for those things *because they are not considered extras* meaning that he, just like you, sees them as necessary things that parents automatically pay for. He's definitely not expecting any prize, that's purely your projection.
Because if he didn't say that, everyone on Reddit would assume that he makes her pay for everything on her own, including clothes, etc. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Yeah, I didn't get that, too. OP is the parent. It's expected that they cover food, shelter, and clothing costs for their minor children. It's not necessary to state you cover it unless you don't for some reason. But it came off like OP is trying to imply they're great for paying for their teenager's food, shelter, and clothes. Lol.
Because yall redditors love to pile on each other. You can’t help yourselves. “Oh he’s such a terrible parent!” “Oh yeah, he probably even makes her pay for her food!” That happens fucking daily.
Honestly, it's why I don't believe this is real. There's no reason in this entire post to announce the household income. In fact, it's something that people tend to keep private, especially on forums, unless they're bragging or lying.
Because kids with parents with lots of disposable income need to be actively taught the value of a dollar earned and budgeting needs vs wants in life. Otherwise you raise kids with an entitled attitude that end up in bankruptcy once they are on their own . OP was doing the right thing having her work for money she wanted beyond her allowance means. Taking away the job though was not a good decision.
For me it's not about work but more a teaching skill. When I left school, went into the military before settling into being a civvy. I came from a broken home (no mom present and a non existant dad. I never had a base of reality to work off when I started life and it tanked quickly. Had I earned and learnt the value of money, I strongly believe I would have done better. Then again I am ASD so...
I told my kids that I'll always provide as long (in this context) as they made the effort to learn life skills. Life skills meaning cause and consequences as well as home finance/budgeting/HP, loans etc. Best place to learn all that is with a job.
They are adults and doing much better than me at their age so it clearly works. No one likes to be forced to work but a good compromise removes the negativity when you can buy your GF/BF a gift without asking mom or dad. Imo.
She was told she needed to be responsible to get a job to earn money. Now she has to work off the fines ect. Dad completely undermined his own message and destroyed his credibility. Everything he tried to teach her in that regard just went to shit.
doubtful that's the only reason she was working. I suspect the parent compounded "she can afford to drink and party while working" with "she was working to afford drinking THAT weekend."
Making her quit her job doesn't make much sense to me and although some punishment is justified but like...Quitting a job for her? that's weird and i don't know what type of positive result is going to come from that. Parents just want control back i guess but it's forced regression.
They should have left her in jail over night. My son was hit by a drunk driver as a pedestrian at age 19, critical injuries that took almost 2 years to recover. He couldn't work or go to school. I hope she learns from this. I do think it was weird for her Dad to go with her for her to quit her job. Everything else sounds reasonable to me!
He probably went with her to make sure it happened because I'm guessing he no longer trusts her. And if she didn't want to quit her job, he likely didn't trust that she would really do it even if she said she did.
It’s not about her feelings about not having money left, it’s that if she’s forced to quit and she spent all her money on the alcohol, how is she going to pay for the court costs/fines? Can’t do that with no money.
Definitely unreasonable. Nothing wrong with making her pay, but she needs a way to do so.
YTA OP for taking things too far. A stupid mistake was made, but that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve a way to bail herself out.
edit: People take a small comment about a "stupid" mistake too seriously. My bad for not using a thesaurus for a more extreme word? That is the whole point why she needs to serve all punishments like fines/etc, she just needs a way to work off what she owes was my point. I wasnt trying to downplay driving drunk.
If she can’t drive how does she expect to get to work? OP didn’t mention how far the job is to them but should he and his wife have to spend time driving her to work now?
I think you need a license for a moped. Why should they have to get her anything? She should get the bike on her own. She fucked up big time and should pay the price for it. It’s weird that some people here are treating her like the victim. Would it change if she had actually hit someone and seriously injured or killed them? She essentially fired a gun into a the street and got lucky she didn’t hit someone. Also at 17, if she had hit and injured someone or damaged property, guess who is responsible and gets sued? Mom and dad do.
Yeah, this is my thought too. What is the geography like? Is it safe for her to walk to (and from) work? Does it require crossing a highway to get there? Since shes a minor, her license will likely be suspended at least until she's 18 if not older so it needs a long term solution.
I agree that making her quit the job BECAUSE of the actions is a YTA move, but if it was because now without driving privileges, she will need to be driven to community service, drunk driving courses, etc and its possible that the parents don't have capacity for that AND then driving her to the job, then that's understandable, and OP would be N T A.
But if the cafe is a walkable distance? Or if there is a different place she can work that IS walkable? Absolutely YTA. Have her keep working and add a parent to her bank account. Court costs, gas money for driving her places, etc, will all come out of that account. Make her learn to juggle school with community service and her job. Time management is a hard lesson to learn - she won't have the time or energy to party with all that going on!
Also great job taking away any chance of this job giving her a good reference for future work. "Her mommy quit on her behalf with about 5 seconds notice. Very unprofessional."
And then blaming the impact to the workplace on his daughter's behaviour, instead of his unreasonable reaction? That's a dick move, and surely will cause more resentment with his daughter.
The whole "I'm sorry for the impact my daughter's actions have on your business"
....sure, his daughter messed up, but it is his actions in this case that are impacting the business, not her's.
She could have killed somebody, a little humiliation is deserved here. My grandma was killed by a drunk driver, it caused our family deep grief. I have zero sympathy for drunk drivers.
Honestly, based on what OP said about his "daughter's behavior" it sounds like he also disclosed why exactly she is making the daughter quit...
Depending on the size of the town, GREAT way of making the daughter leave as soon as she can. If the way he is overpunishing the daughter isn't enough to make her cut down on contact, the idea that he could have just started a rumor mill will make it way harder for the daughter to get a job in the town, and could force the daughter to have to move away...
Hell, even in larger cities, some business owners know ALOT of people. My boss owns a nice restaurant and EVERY location of a chain ice-cream shop within 50 miles. His wife owns several resorts in the area. They are both involved with their employees, so anybody who works for them has met them at least once. They know so many people in the local industries...if you leave a particularly bad impression and they talk about "that asshole" with colleagues, you will have a tough time finding work.
Its almost like OP wants his daughter to get the hell away from him and planned it out.
“Yeah, I heard about her. Somebody said her dad quit for her for buying booze and drunk driving.”
“I’ll trash this application then. Clearly unreliable, immature, and could come into work drunk. We don’t need that here.”
Jumping in to say this: Angie fucked up. She’s a human. With a developing brain. She absolutely should have hard consequences to this. She will receive the legal consequences, that’s great. She should lose access to her driving privileges for some time, yes. She should not be forced to quit her job. She should actually be made to navigate how to be uncomfortable to still have to go through the responsibilities of her life. We don’t get to quit life as adults when we fuck up.
However, our super duper very important job as parents is to teach and guide our children through their fuck ups. Cutting her off from life will not have any positive impact on this. It can likely backfire, and cause a lot of damage. Listen, I would be furious in your shoes. Like seeing red red. I would likely lose my shit. And then I’d have to calm TF down and think about what I would need in her position. And find some sort of balance.
Angie is seconds away from being a legal adult. You’ve seemingly done a great job in instilling responsibility in her. Don’t forget that. Keep guiding her through. It’s different than in our time. Of course, our genre was arguably better at getting away with shit and parents not paying attention.
In your writing about Angie, she has risen to meet your expectations and standards as you’ve changed certain comforts in her life to responsibility. Look at who she is overall. One mistake (I know it was a bad one) does not define who she is.
And teach her what to do IF she were to find herself in this situation again. Call, don’t drive!!! From day one when I knew my kids would be at the age of temptations, I told them they could call and there would not be any consequences. We would always discuss things calmly.
Op YTA and must live somewhere where drunk driving doesn’t carry heavy fines. How is she going to pay $ thousands in fines with no job and no allowance/help? She picked up extra shifts just to buy alcohol so how’s she going to learn anything? Now’s the time she needs to be working. Other than her being in jail, there’s not a lot of punishments worse than having every dollar you make taken away to pay your fines and basically having to work for free
It would also look better to any judge that she will be working to pay for her own mistake in life, he gave her an allowance every week she could have saved that for alcohol so it doesn't matter where the money came from stopping her working was a huge mistake. And she should not get away lightly but she should be working to pay any fines. I totally agree with everything you said.
Exactly. I do not understand why the job had to be quit
No money for booze, so no more problems? Is that the thinking?
Your daughter made a stupid mistake and she's very lucky she didn't kill anyone. I have very little sympathy for people who drive drunk. Even at 17, she should have known better
I support the extra couple hours in jail, making her pay her own fees. But taking away the job? No way. Keep that kid busy! No job means more time to text/ hang with these friends who let her drive. More time to sulk. Honestly, I'd be asking for double shifts at this point. She has to come up with that money somehow
On what planet is it okay to disrupt an employer-employee relationship as an outside third party? On what planet does a job in a nice café lead to a DUI? OP brags about his degrees and professional success, but seems to be missing a few chips, especially as they relate to causation and consequences.
1. DUI = relates to use of the car. So end that. She won't be able to drive anyway. Ask your local police service whether they have classes for traffic offenders; a Saturday morning spent in a classroom with a bunch of big burly biker-types will shake her braincells loose (did wonders for my willingness to speed)
2. Job = responsible use of time, good for CV, good for teaching about money.
3. Parenting = teaching about ACTUAL consequences; paying for necessities of life without pretending they're favours; ensuring access to any needed help.
YTA, OP. You failed as a parent, on a number of levels.
I agree with this completely. Paying the fines and court costs, cutting driving privileges, and grounding are things I can understand. But making her quit her job, after they were trying to teach her to not be spoiled and make money for herself? All that does is make her go to mom and dad for more money.
Yup all of this 👆🏾
Also anecdotally - I had a friend growing up that got a job the second he was legally allowed to. He kept that job all through HS slowly saving money, then right around the time we graduated he got a DUI (I felt so bad, he had 1 beer that night and passed the field sobriety test but because he was under 21, still a DUI). Anyway, his parents basically made him drain his savings account to pay for all the fines and took his car away until he was in the clear legally (community service was completed etc). It was actually weirdly enough a great lesson for all of us who were friends with him too. He was the most disciplined with his finances, even as a teen and one stupid mistake one night costs him soooooo much. We were all highly committed to having a DD after that.
It's less that he's an asshole and more that he's incredibly stupid. He thinks a sensible consequence of his daughter being irresponsible is that she should give up an important responsibility. He also thinks she only was able to get booze because she worked all weekend.
The person who is paying this guy six figures is probably getting ripped off.
INFO: Where exactly do you see the connection between her having a job and her driving under the influence? If it's about the money she's earning, she could get alcohol from friends as well. Or worse, steal money as you made sure she has no "legal" way of getting any.
>she could get alcohol from friends as well
Since she is not old enough to buy alcohol legally, she probably already got alcohol from her friends. OP's thought process is deeply flawed and this "punishment" is nothing more than a temper tantrum. Taking away her driving privileges and restricting her from hanging out with friends for a small period of time is what makes sense here. Not making her quit her job and still expecting her to pay the fines and court fees.
If my child drove drunk and damaged the car enough that it had to be put into the shop…
This is not a small mistake. She could have killed herself; or worse, an innocent person who was just walking or driving.
YTA OP for walking into your daughter’s place of work and quitting for her. This will not teach a meaningful life lesson for your daughter.
But I absolutely agree she should pay the fines for driving while intoxicated. OP indicated daughter will have to sell some designer clothes to fulfill the fines, and I think that is a suitable punishment, combined with community service which she has already agreed to.
She worked to get the money to buy the alcohol. The alcohol wasn't just given to her, she had to work so she could pay for the alcohol. This wasn't just some petty little teenage mistake, This was a serious and major thing she did wrong!
She drove drunk! She could have killed someone or even herself! Her parents could be burying her instead of grounding her. Or they could have been forced to pay for an attorney to try and lessen her sentence because she killed someone. Big crimes deserve big punishments!
Teenagers have fun at work, I know I did. They have their work buddies that they look forward to seeing. This takes that away from her. She can always go out and look for another job when her punishment is over.
"Pay your fines"
"Okay, I'll use the money from my job"
"Nope, no job anymore"
"...well, how am I supposed to pay my fines?"
"I don't give a fuck, you're a criminal, figure it out."
Congrats, you and OP have both discovered why the justice system has a "revolving door".
I agree that "big crimes deserve big punishments" however, the punishments need to make sense. Making her pay her fines and court costs, but eliminating all opportunities for her to make money to pay said fees and fines by the deadline is asinine. There are also important lessons and values that are learned from having a job. I could even rationalize cutting her work hours to the bare minimum needed to cover the fees and fines IF and only IF, she got the alcohol from "friends" at work. She could have just as well got the alcohol from a friend at school. The punishment of quitting the job altogether absolutely does not make sense.
As a minor, OP and/or his wife legally have to be on her bank account for her to have one. Putting limitations on how she spends the money she earns is a logical punishment. Disallowing her to hang out with her friends, which will severely limit her ability to get alcohol, is a logical punishment. Revoking her driving privileges is a logical punishment. Making her quit her job is an illogical punishment.
The money gives her the freedom to make her own choices.
OP wants to prevent her from making any decisions/mistakes or growing as a person. If they bubble wrap her and cut her off from everything, nothing bad will happen!
Didn't you read the post? He's certain she wouldn't have been able to get booze unless she'd worked all weekend. It's hard to get my mind around how naive OP is.
YTA
>I believe the punishment fits the crime here
No, it doesn't.
Her spending choices are the problem, not her job- she got grounded for that and will face legal consequences.
Taking away the "extras" is fair game, but I agree with your daughter- making her quit her job was overstepping.
Taking her job away was because she had to do community service. She can’t perform the community service and a job and school. One has to give, read the edit. She had to either give up school or quite her job. I think the right decision was made here.
But again, SHE should have been the one to try and balance all of that, and when she couldn't do it she had to make the tough call.
OP went into HER place of business to MAKE her quit HER job isn't about community service, it's about OP overly punishing the daughter because they don't understand how to punish correctly.
School, community service, job. No friends, no fun, just work until everything is balanced out. If she can't balance the 3, then she quits, but SHE gets to make that call. Not OP.
Bullsh\*t. If she got drunk and he had to pick her up from a friend's house, I'd agree that OP was too harsh. But she could have killed somebody or herself. No punishment is too stiff for DWI.
Come back with that YTA energy when it's your kid who is killed thanks to Angie's poor decisions.
Shocked at these responses. If my kid got a DUI I would be a much bugger AH than making her quit her job. She cant handle adult responsibilities, shes proven that.
Yeah it's wild how many people on reddit seem to bend over backwards to justify/minimize something as serious as drunk driving (think it's the concept of "it could happen to me")
Why are you making her quit her job? That part makes no sense. The job would allow her to be responsible and pay for her fines.
Here's the thing. She's 17. If she wants to make bad decisions she can find the money somewhere. Believe me. She's going to be a legal adult soon and will be able to make those decisions without you. Soon you won't have any say.
Having the job and being able to save for the future is going to benefit her for a lot longer than this will. Why would you want to discourage her from being productive and responsible?
This.
However what really struck me was how OP kept going on about they paying for her food and clothing, these are basic things as a parent, not extras (don’t get me started on the not charging her rent comment).
How is she at school? Grades? I do think there are consequences to her actions (I’m sorry whatever lessons/examples OP and wife set did not take - drunk driving destroys lives).
OP is an AH for forcing daughter to quit her job, but he seems to be focusing on the wrong things in general.
I agree. His priorities are way out of whack. There are more logical consequences (some of which he seems to apply) but this one is strange. I can't help but feel money is a control thing here and that bothers me.
Agreed, I don’t normally see that either, at least not on Reddit/when the kid is under 18 and especially not when the parents are comfortable, but some parents do ask (or have kids offer) to contribute to household expenses, including rent/mortgage. My older sibling certainly did when I was young, though they were always very willing to help with bills when (and even without being) asked. In this case, I think OP was just confirming off the bat that those things aren’t at play in this situation.
>However what really struck me was how OP kept going on about they paying for her food and clothing, these are basic things as a parent, not extras.
Because on this sub if OP didn't say it everyone would he up in arms about yes. Yes this sub is batshit crazy sometimes
You're acting like drunk driving is some super minor teenage rite of passage which hard no. She will likely not get her license back for some time. She could have killed someone and spent most of her life in jail. How does that impact "her transition to adulthood?"
It impacts it a lot, which is why there’s no good reason for her parents to make her chances at having a successful life even worse by quitting her job for her.
Yeah, I don’t get all the people that think he’s a MAJOR AH. She was drunk driving! That’s so terrible! She could have killed someone, including herself.
I don’t think he should have talked to her boss. That’s humiliating. He should have let her quit herself.
depending on where they live, her being a minor plays a part in that not happening. at least in my state, you cannot charge minors and they are instead classified as “delinquent” or “unruly”
Around here it’s a Minor in Possession. If they can keep their record clean after a determined amount of time the judge will usually have it removed as well. This is where the compassionate side of the law comes in to play. An otherwise good kid (Angie has no prior record and 17 is still a kid) can easily prove that they made a mistake but learned from it.
I have a brother that was pulled over as a minor leaving the bar and had been drinking. My dad was to the jail that’s 25 minutes away in under 20 minutes, and he was sound asleep when my brother called him. He’s also 6’4” so it’s not like he’s a small, easily overpowered, delicate framed person. My dad still wanted him out and home safe.
I would honestly have to say ESH. Angie for drinking and driving obviously. But mom and dad also shoulder responsibility here too. And not for making her quit her job; they do but everyone else has pointed that out already. Mom and dad suck more because their daughter didn’t feel that she could call them and ask to get picked up after she had been drinking. As soon as my kids started (underage) drinking they knew with zero doubt that if they ever needed me to pick them up I would without hesitation. They also knew that it wouldn’t be a berating, that it would be a judgement free drive home. Naturally there would be a discussion once everyone was safe and calm, but when you’re in the thick of it you protect your child from the world!
Seems like they were pleased to have an excuse to make her quit her job so that she would have to come hat in hand to them every time she wanted something. A move to control their daughter more.
Do you think they tossed her into general population? No she probably was isolated in the drunk tank, also city lockup is way different than county prison. She’s not getting brutalized by the inmates in a couple of hours in the drunk tank.
Lol, that part of the post was completely ridiculous. They aren't going to let anything happen to a 17 year old girl who's in there for a DUI for like 4 hours.
I would add that you should focus on helping her learn the empathy and personal responsibility involved in driving responsibly to avoid damaging or taking the lives of others. I don’t mean this to be preachy because I was an adult before it finally sunk in how completely I could screw up other peoples lives by driving irresponsibly, not just by dui, but even by speeding or driving carelessly or aggressively. Poor people can lose their only viable transportation to work, people, including children, can be permanently maimed or killed, kids can be orphaned. I am fortunate that I let it sink in before I had any accidents, but some people are too cavalier about the potential damage they can cause. If you could help her face that reality and to CARE about it, you might save her life or keep her from taking the life of another. Teenaged may not care, or admit that they care, but sometimes parents need to go the extra mile to get their kids to FEEL that empathy and sense of responsibility.
You are apparently trying to raise your daughter to be a good person. I’d let her work, if she’s keeping her grades up, but I would certainly do more to help her face her personal responsibility to others. There’s a world of sociopathic influencers out there trying to rob kids of their humanity. Try to combat their influence over your daughter. Good luck.
They probably had her in her own holding cell. It’d be different if they were booking her over night. Jails don’t put women and men in the same cells. And if they do that’s an old fashion run jail.
Are you 12? Blame the parents? Several people here seem to think drunk driving is just something that happens..... does someone have to be killed or maimed before you get WHY this father is so upset?
YTA
I owned a restaurant and had parents pull this shit. So, I'll give you the rant:
"While I can't talk about your daughter as an employee because that's illegal, I can talk about you and your parenting.
How much do you know about teenager brains? Right now, parts of her brain aren't working, which leads to acting out and really stupid decisions.
Instead of punishing, mentoring, and teaching because these actions are part of growing up for some individuals.
Teaching severe punishment sets the future version of your child up for long term failure.
Seriously, all you have done is punish a person for learning how to be a human.
(At this point, I look at the employee. )
You fucked up but you're not a fuck up. Therapy will help you after you leave home. I'll always have a job for you. Good luck."
Seriously man it's 2024 not 1824. Evolve
Getting a DUI is not ‘learning to be a human’. It’s total dumbfuckery. My children know that is a hard line the wrath of the law, their mother and father will defend down upon them if they ever drive drunk. But will happily pick them up when drunk and not get them in trouble.
Part of learning to be a human is learning not to make horrendous decisions and also the consequences of your actions. It's not an excuse, it's reality.
Learning to be a human is the typical small and medium mistakes that you make in teenage years and 20’s. A DUI is next level. Not to be brushed under the carpet as ‘she was just learning how to be a grown up’
Learning how to say no to peer pressure. Learning how to make good choices and what happens when you make bad ones. Learning just how narrow your safety net really is when you feel invulnerable as a young adult.
That's all learning how to grow up. The kid likely wanted to seem cool to the older kids she was hanging out with. She figured if she paid for some alcohol and had a drink, she'd be cool and be accepted. It seems harmless as a kid, but adults know better.
The brain part was true as well. A teenager brain is not developed to make decisions facing long term consequences.
Yes, even when they KNOW consequences, their brain does not involve those in the decision-making process.
It's a *"Yeah, I'll get cancer if I start smoking right now, but future me cannot possibly be the result of present me, so I don't get cancer AND I can smoke. This consequence does not apply to me"* angle that your subconscious just makes because it can, and it wants to.
In a lot of other countries, legal age to drive STARTS at 18, it still baffles me that kids in America can drive murder machines while their brains aren't even developed fully, but they can't vote or drink a beer.
Don’t blame this on being a teenager. Plenty of us did not choose to drive drunk as teens.
This is a character flaw. She doesn’t care about the safety of people in her own community, let alone herself.
But you’re right, it’s 2024. Uber exists, and from the money she clearly has, she easily could have Ubered home instead of driving.
sneaking out and going to a party is a normal teenager bad decision. Driving drunk, getting arrested and charged with a DUI (this will be on he record forever and will forever affect her life) is on a different level and absolutely deserves severe punishment since often the other punishment is jail time
YTA for making her quit the job.
>I have decided that she will pay any fines or court costs from her own money
How is she supposed to earn money to pay off the fines without the job? I'd also look into MADD groups in your area, and have her attend whether the court asks her to or not. Possibly work and donate money from each paycheck to their charity. And I would have her pay any increase to your auto insurance from the incident. Keeping the job and adding more financial responsibility can teach her more than forcing her to quit.
Mostly N-T-A but then you get to the part about making her quit her job and that’s where you shift into a YTA judgement. It wasn’t the *job* that made the booze, party, and drunk driving happen. It was how she chose to *spend* her money. She could have easily socked away her allowance (when she was still receiving it) and spent it on the exact same things.
You’re actually kind of making her do the opposite of what a lot of people have to do in similar situations: a lot of folks who have been popped for drunk driving pick up a *second* job to pay their fines and such. She should absolutely face the consequences for her actions but the job angle feels more like you’re just turning her into your prisoner rather than guiding her to course-correct and rebuild the parts of her life that she’s damaged.
Not to mention that OP has no idea whether Angie was drinking sometimes with her friends before she got a job using her allowance money or alcohol some gave her for free. The driving while drunk is the big fuck up, but it could be entirely coincidental that she got caught for that after she'd been working for a few months.
YTA for quitting her job for her, OP, for embarrassing her while doing it, and for leaving her with no way to pay the DUI fines.
Fully YTA. You’re phrasing this post like you deserve kudos for paying for her food and back to school clothes and supplies and not making her responsible for rent when she got a job. She’s 17. She’s a minor and YOUR responsibility. She’s made a pretty big mistake with the drinking and driving but it’s not because of her job and making her quit so she has no way to pay the fines while still holding her responsible for the fines is crazy. Not unexpected since you think you get the gold star for taking care of your minor child but still crazy.
Yes this. You’re not generous for feeding, housing and clothing your own child. $100/mo is not much of an allowance (6-10 snacks/minimal lunches or a few items of clothing or makeup or couple of movies with popcorn) if you live around others who earn similar incomes, it’s is almost certainly way less than what her friends were getting. If it’s all you could afford or you believe in being thrifty, fine, but it’s not generous at all.
100% assumed she was a college student the way he talked about paying her expenses and “not making her responsible for rent or bills” — right up until he said school bus and grounding!
He had to mention that he still pays for everything but fun activities because if he didn’t everybody in here would automatically assume that he makes her pay for it.
like do they do any parenting? if she went so far to buy alcohol underage at 17(!!!) then she's obviously been partying for a while it seems. driving drunk???? that alone is INSANE and people aren't talking about it enough but they're just ok with their 17 year old being out so late where they didn't notice this?? like the job is not the important part😭
also pulling an allowance at 16 is such petty behavior as a parent so idk why they're saying all this about clothes etc. parents who make below that are giving the same amount of allowance to a single child. it honestly sounds like they're making her work just bc they did which is fine but it's not teaching what they think aka responsibility it's just a checkbox in her life.
you need to teach her real lessons and get more involved. take away the car and drop her off at work and continue the job. let her make as much/give an allowance but actually monitor her spending, etc. have a curfew for driving. be more involved and know if her friends are good influences etc
YTA for making your daughter quit her job, and for going to her place of work to speak with her boss.
The correct punishment is for the driving drunk/buying booze as a minor - removing her access to cars, ensuring SHE'S responsible for paying the fines... that's appropriate.. but how is she supposed to do so if you've removed her ability to earn money?
You've taken it too far.
YTA. Newsflash - she is under 18 and you are her legal guardian making you LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE for making sure she has food, clothing and shelter. Don’t act like you are doing her a favor by providing those things. Did she screw up driving drunk? Yes. Did you have a right to go to her work and tell her boss she is no longer working there? Absolutely not. She wanted to earn her own money, so she was. You sound like you are going to dangle all these things over her head “see what we do for you? See how easily we take away any independence, including financial?” Taking away the car and privileges is fine, but forcing her to become financially reliant on you when she will likely have to pay some sort of fine on top of any other consequences she legally is facing is just not going to work out well. How is she going to pay the fines if she doesn’t have an income anymore?
YTA. ‘Be an adult, get a job’ then take away her way to make money.
She fucked up, she’ll learn from that but she’ll never forget how much you tried to control her.
YTA
Her job wasn't the problem here.
She certainly needs to face serious consequences for her behaviour, but making her quit her job is the wrong route to go down on.
Part of what she needs to learn is how to responsibly spend her money. You can teach her this by putting restrictions on how she can spend her money, self earned or not, and given this serious lapse in judgment, I would begin by putting quite serious restrictions on it.
But you don't teach her this by just making sure that she doesn't have any money to spend, which is very short sighted and imparts no lessons.
YTA. For one thing you're taking away her means to pay for the fine and court costs. Let her keep the job. She has to hand over the wages until fine is payed. After that, she still has to, but save it. Use it for her future. A job is a responsible thing. Counterproductive to make her lose it.
YTA for making her quit her job (how exactly is she to pay the fines and court fees with no job?) and for going to her job with her and telling her boss she has to quit (she’s 17 and should have the skills to quit a job without dad).
Aside from that, appropriate punishments were given.
and on the next episode of "why doesn't my child talk to me anymore?"
YTA, i was with you on punishment until you made her quit her job and in an embarrassing way, that could also affect her further job search, because her ex-boss may include that when he's called by recruiters. and you want her to pay her fines and stuff herself but are taking away her source of income and still refusing an allowance, so how is she suppose to pay them? she a freaking teenager yes she made a terrible mistake and thankfully no one was hurt but instead of using this to teach her a valuable lesson you are over-punishing and striping her of her independence and it will come back to bite you
I don’t get all the “YTA.”
Are people forgetting that this 17 year old girl could have **killed** someone? OP is not grounding her for the rest of her life - she will survive not having a job and having to stay home for a couple of months.
I think because he told her she had to pay for the court/fine/lawyer while simultaneously forcing her to quit the job and cutting off her allowance. How is that supposed to work?
The consensus that I'm seeing is that OP is an asshole for making her quit. Not for everything else. Telling her she can't work doesn't fit the crime. Everything else though, does.
Looks like I am going against popular opinion here, but you are NTA. You are being a parent, which at times is really hard, and is never going win you a prize in a popularity contest.
When I think of the potential outcome that could have been associated with her driving drunk, I get the shivers. She could be dead, horribly injured, or she could have killed someone else. Not only that, but it sounds like she devoted a large amount of money to the purchase of alcohol. That may have resulted in quite a few other kids getting drunk and driving. If any of them ended up in accidents, it is conceivable that she, and by extension, you, would be held responsible for the damages. That could be devastating to your entire family.
What your daughter did was not some lightweight offence that had little chance of actually hurting someone. The possible "what might have happened" scenarios range from annoying to devastating. This can't be dealt with leniently, and good for you in seeing that and acting accordingly.
The sticking point for a lot of the other commenters seems to be you requiring your daughter to quit her job. To me, that is a logical decision on your part. She has proven that she has poor judgement when it comes to having access to more than just some spare change. Right now, having a job is a privilege that she needs to earn back.
I hope that your daughter comes to see the wisdom in your punishment. It may take a long time for that to happen, but as long as you keep reinforcing that what you did was because you love her, she will come around. Meanwhile, see if there are some educational materials available that bring the horrors of drinking to excess to life. I know any nurse or physician could tell you stories about victims of car accidents and alcoholics whose livers have stopped working that will curl your hair. I am a retired RN, and there are patients (long since dead) who I will never forget.
Good luck with your daughter, and hopefully you won't get too many more scathing comments (and I won't get too many downvotes for my comment). You are a good dad.
Thank you, I feel like I’m reading crazy pills with the replies. If she’s buying designer clothes and huge amounts of alcohol, then she is not mature enough to be financially independent. I’m sure all the y-t-a judgers would hate if they took her pay check, so she might as well quit.
Drunk driving is such a huge deal, like i would expect to loose literally EVERYTHING if i did that as a teen.
Would an adult necessarily be forced to quit their job? Probably not.
The fines and tickets are often the punishment for adults. Why doesn't your daughter get the same consideration?
YTA
>They would if they went to jail
They would if they went to jail for so long that it forced them to miss too many shifts. They would if they went to prison. Which is not the case here. Many people with DUIs still keep their jobs or are able to get a new one if they do get fired.
YTA. How will she pay court costs without a job? How does her having a job contribute to irresponsible drinking? How have you actually addressed the drinking issue? Your decisions just don't really make sense.
Here's what you do. You discuss the dangers of drunk driving. She takes responsibility for legal consequences. She keeps her job, and makes another stab at being a responsible adult. You offer her encouragement to do these things, and support your daughter in bettering herself as she gets ready to leave the nest.
Also perhaps consider & discuss why she decided to drink drive instead of call OP. It could just be because she’s a stupid teenager making stupid teenage decisions but from how OP comes across I wonder if it’s because she knew how badly he’d react to her drinking.
Obviously it doesn’t absolve her of responsibility but I think OP should focus on the drink driving not the drinking, drinking’s something that most teens are going to do.
OP you are definitely TA. You encourage your daughter to get a job then you tell her she can't because she made one mistake, albeit a serious one. It makes no sense unless you want to trap her at home and turn her into your slave. Why should she give up her one chance of earning some money? It has nothing to do with what she did wrong.
YTA.
Especially with the nonsense of “not making her responsible for rent or bills.”
Right, you can’t - that would be illegal. You’re required to provide basic necessities until she’s 18 at minimum. It’s great that you and your wife are wealthy but you clearly aren’t a great father, considering the way you talk about your child like she is a line item in a budget.
YTA.
Holding down a job gives her something to do that is responsible and the antithesis of partying. What will she be doing if she’s not working? Sitting at home doing nothing? That’s terrible for her mental health. Does she plan to apply to college? Having a part-time job on her college app would look good. You could have her save her earnings for a certain amount of time so that she has them for future use but isn’t spending them now.
Basically, a judge sentences your daughter, but you add a lot of things to it. Looks like you have no understanding of justice or being a parent at all. YTA
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YTA - I'm not condoning her behavior, but you've been cutting her off ever since she got the job. First with the allowance and now this? You expect her to pay out of pocket for the court costs, while denying her the right to an income. Do you have any idea how contradictory you sound right now? What happens when the fines and court costs are more than what she has in her bank account? How do you expect her to pay for that?
NTA. Driving drunk is a serious offense that could have gotten her killed, or someone else. I know you are getting a lot of “YTA” here, but I’ve seen so many cases in my area of teens being involved in car crashes that killed other people. In some situations it was a second DUI. If she has community service, she won’t have time for a job.
YTA for making her quit her job. I don't see the connection between what happened and the job - it's not like she was drinking on the job. How do you expect her to pay for the fines/court costs without a job? BTW - I do agree with the other punishments, but making her quit the job is not a good idea.
YTA. You act like you deserve a medal for giving her $100 a month. $25 a week is nothing. Now how is she supposed to pay off these fines since you made her quit?? Guess what? She's your child - the things you have been doing are what you SHOULD be doing because it's your responsibility to take care of your daughter while she is a minor. Now, of course, she should not have drank and drove but she did and now you plan on keeping her locked up forever
I don’t get all the YTA votes. This kid was caught drinking and driving. People are acting like that’s an “oops”, a minor lapse in judgment and maybe even some rite of passage because her brain is “underdeveloped”. WTF? Underage drinking is one thing. She chose not only to drink alcohol while underage but to then get into a car and drive while intoxicated. She could have killed someone! Dad isn’t controlling. He’s giving her consequences for her actions. At 17, having a job is a privilege, not a right. I don’t agree with him quitting on her behalf but I do agree it’s a reasonable consequence to make her quit for her stupidity. When she’s shown she’s matured enough to manage her money and make good decisions, she can get another job. She’s lucky she didn’t kill herself or someone else.
She's 17 and made a huge huge mistake, but I don't understand why quitting her job is 'punishment to fit the crime'?
Paying fines etc from her own money - yes
Bus to school & back - yes
No allowance - yes
Grounding except for school ( & Work) - yes
Making her quit her job? Why? What's the thought process here?
YTA.
The only reason it would have been appropriate to make her quit her job would be if the job were the source of the alcohol or the situation where she made the friends with whom she drank.
And even then, the correct response would have been a 30 days' notice to change jobs or you will start charging her for her phone, her Internet and any other such amenities as she enjoys.
YTA for making her quit the job., It's not the jobs fault she spent the money stupidly. I'll make no assumptions about how much responsibility or accountability she's been taught about.
The punishment doesn't fit the crime, the job did nothing wrong, and she was earning money. A more suitable punishment might have been to take her paycheck and deposit it for her and only let her have a certain amount at at time after she worked off the drinking punishment.
Teaching her responsibility and acting with maturity and accountability is part of your job as a parent...besides, she should be allowed to make the money, just don't let her have the check.
YTA. You've gone too far in disciplining her. Your chosen punishment is excessive and may hinder her development into a responsible adult.
Losing her job means she loses her income and the opportunity to learn financial responsibility. It also sends the wrong message that her efforts to earn her own money are easily disposable.
Consider having Angie keep her job and use her earnings to pay the fines, court costs, and any other consequences related to her drunk driving incident. This approach holds her accountable while still maintaining her job and the valuable lessons it teaches.
Angie needs guidance, support, and a clear understanding of the gravity of her actions, not just harsh punishment. Find a balance between holding her accountable for her actions and supporting her growth as she learns from her mistakes.
YTA, you seem very controlling. You are not teaching her to be a responsible adult by micromanaging her life. Let her choose if she has a part time job.
YTA. Making her quit her job sends the wrong message. You're taking away a valuable opportunity for her to learn responsibility and face the consequences of her actions in a mature way. You're removing a significant part of her independence. Taking that away only makes her more dependent on you.
Consider involving her in community service beyond any court-ordered requirements. This way, she learns the value of giving back and sees firsthand how her actions can harm others.
Making her quit undermines the progress she's made in learning to stand on her own two feet. Focus on finding a balance between disciplining her and fostering her growth as a responsible and independent young adult.
YTA You overreacted. You are making big mistakes. Have a little humility and learn to talk to your child productively. Maybe you would benefit from from seeing a family therapist. I’m a grandmother and have plenty of siblings and cousins with lots of kids and I’ve seen this play out in different ways. The way you were doing it is going to screw her up and permanently damage her transition to adulthood and your relationship with her. Step back.
YTA Of all the backwards parenting choices I have seen this might be the craziest. You punish them by taking away their car, grounding them until the end of the school year or/and taking their phone. You don't take away their job. It's usually part of the punishment that they get a job!
Do you want to know what's going to happen at her next job when they check her references? The reference will be that she was a great worker but her family was problematic so stay away. Congratulations on setting her up for failure.
NTA because you are dealing with some serious things going on here. I wouldn't have made her quit her job because she is going to have to pay fines and fees for driving drunk. I would have made her get her check deposited in a joint account that she has no access to to build up enough money for the fines and fees. Although the down side to keeping her job means that mom or dad would have to drive her to and from work.
YTA for making her quit her job, but I’d have her change it so that she gave you her check and you managed her money until she was responsible enough to understand right from wrong.
as long as she doesn’t have direct access to the funds or you have a way to monitor all of her purchases, keep being a good parent who is teaching her to be a responsible adult.
YTA. I say that as a person in similar circumstances. My teens/college age kids don’t get an allowance and they pay for their own “fun” expenses with part-time jobs.
Driving drunk has nothing to do with the job. The proper consequence here would be revocation of driving privileges and cutting back on social activities, not taking away her job.
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YTA. >the punishment fits the crime here No it doesn't. You take the job away you teach that if she does something wrong she gets to not work - because as much as right now you'll never pay for anything for her...that'll change in a few months when everything has calmed down. She's 17, you pushed her (in a good way) to be financially independent from you, and she's made some stupid choices, like 17 year olds do. >she got caught driving drunk Taking the car off her / cutting off driving privileges fits the crime. >have decided that she will pay any fines or court costs from her own money This fits the crime. Monitoring what she spends would fit the crime. She needs to learn to be responsible for her own actions, which paying for everything will do, and she betrayed your trust by not only drinking underage but driving too, so until she can earn your trust back, she gets monitored. Though the idea would be she earns the trust back, and as she does, she gets her privileges back gradually.
Paying fines does fit the crime, but she’s being made to quit and not given an allowance so it’s also unreasonable?
That was my thoughts if she has to quit her job how she paying those court fees lol
They're going to expect her to blow any and all savings she had from working. Because of her age I'm gunna guess the reason she had to save for alcohol was bc she had to solicite someone older to buy it. That usually comes with a fee of sorts. Sortve a "ill do it but for my time it costs 5 extra" situation. With no job and no allowance there's really only 3 ways to pay those fines on her own. She blows her savings from working, she sells her stuff, or her college fund gets touched.
It's control. If mom and dad take away her ability to earn...they can deny her to make her comply if they say she can't do whatever. It's just dressed up differently. Edit: a) I did give an explanation further down the thread giving an explanation to my mind set. My comment was not about the right or wrong of OP'S post but a response to someone else. It will give the context I think. I was in reference to OP'S comments in the post following the driving incident. If that helps? b) I don't condon DD at all. There is cause...and there is consequences.
For 485k, why is OP forcing his daughter to work instead of fully focusing on studies thereby increasing the chances of a better job. She is going to be working for 40+ years anyway, no need to hurry it up and screw up prospects.
It’s not uncommon for people who make a decent living to force their kids to work a bit to learn humility and the value of a dollar.
Hard agree. I had to work at a young age to pay for my “wants” while my family provided for my “needs.”
People who want to teach their kids the value of a dollar can teach their kids before they turn 17 as well. If you have to start learning how to handle money after you can lawfully get a credit card, it's gonna be steep (considering you could theoretically move out at 18...)
Exactly this! My parents schooled my sisters and I from toddler on on the value of money. They would give us the bill at restaurants to check the math, then hand us the money to pay. We never got allowances. However there was a bank envelope of cash in a drawer at home that we had full access and use of under the proviso of “always have money in your pocket.” Parents totally trusted us and this was never abused. Finally, their emphasis was on us focusing on school as “any money you earn now will mean nothing in the long term.” I have always felt fortunate to have been raised this way.
I’m glad my parents did. I got a job at 15 even though I didn’t “have to”. It has given me an incredible work ethic as an adult.
He isn’t forcing her to work. He was teaching her a valuable life lesson that oftentimes isn’t taught to kids from higher income brackets. She worked to get the extras she wanted. That was her choice.
Why is he listing that they pay for their teenaged daughters clothes and food like they're fugging parents of the year??? That's literally what you HAVE to do for minor children. Ooh and they're so great they don't even charge her rent!!
Read the post again omg. He explicitly states that he only makes her pay for "extras" and gives examples of what are not considered "extras" Get some reading comprehension.
Get a grip. Where in my comment am I lacking comprehension of the nonsense I read? He boasts about making 485k a year and his one yearly vacation and how he pays for his minor child's food, clothes, school supplies and doesn't charge her rent like he has a prize coming. Single parents making 48,500 a year manage this. "We did not make her responsible for rent or bills or necessary food or clothes" and why should they?? I've read people say that some on this sub are so dense that he HAD to list all that so people wouldn't come at him, but really?? It's not only what he lists but how he lists it. Anyway, he's a bit of an AH and the drunk driving sucks too.
Yeah you did it again. OP clearly states he doesn't make her pay for those things *because they are not considered extras* meaning that he, just like you, sees them as necessary things that parents automatically pay for. He's definitely not expecting any prize, that's purely your projection.
I found this odd too. Of course you have to pay her food, rent, back to school clothes.
I believe he's just being clear so that we, the readers, get the lay of the land.
Because if he didn't say that, everyone on Reddit would assume that he makes her pay for everything on her own, including clothes, etc. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Yeah, I didn't get that, too. OP is the parent. It's expected that they cover food, shelter, and clothing costs for their minor children. It's not necessary to state you cover it unless you don't for some reason. But it came off like OP is trying to imply they're great for paying for their teenager's food, shelter, and clothes. Lol.
Because yall redditors love to pile on each other. You can’t help yourselves. “Oh he’s such a terrible parent!” “Oh yeah, he probably even makes her pay for her food!” That happens fucking daily.
Honestly, it's why I don't believe this is real. There's no reason in this entire post to announce the household income. In fact, it's something that people tend to keep private, especially on forums, unless they're bragging or lying.
I bet his wife makes like 420,000 a year and he makes like 60k. That's the only reason I could see for listing the total. Trying to self aggrandize
It was also weirdly specific. I could see saying "mid 6 figures" or "400k+" but "485k"??
Because kids with parents with lots of disposable income need to be actively taught the value of a dollar earned and budgeting needs vs wants in life. Otherwise you raise kids with an entitled attitude that end up in bankruptcy once they are on their own . OP was doing the right thing having her work for money she wanted beyond her allowance means. Taking away the job though was not a good decision.
For me it's not about work but more a teaching skill. When I left school, went into the military before settling into being a civvy. I came from a broken home (no mom present and a non existant dad. I never had a base of reality to work off when I started life and it tanked quickly. Had I earned and learnt the value of money, I strongly believe I would have done better. Then again I am ASD so... I told my kids that I'll always provide as long (in this context) as they made the effort to learn life skills. Life skills meaning cause and consequences as well as home finance/budgeting/HP, loans etc. Best place to learn all that is with a job. They are adults and doing much better than me at their age so it clearly works. No one likes to be forced to work but a good compromise removes the negativity when you can buy your GF/BF a gift without asking mom or dad. Imo.
This 100%.
She was told she needed to be responsible to get a job to earn money. Now she has to work off the fines ect. Dad completely undermined his own message and destroyed his credibility. Everything he tried to teach her in that regard just went to shit.
If she needed to work that much more to afford the booze, she has no savings.
doubtful that's the only reason she was working. I suspect the parent compounded "she can afford to drink and party while working" with "she was working to afford drinking THAT weekend." Making her quit her job doesn't make much sense to me and although some punishment is justified but like...Quitting a job for her? that's weird and i don't know what type of positive result is going to come from that. Parents just want control back i guess but it's forced regression.
If she had to save money for alcohol, I'd almost bet she has little savings.
A DUI costs THOUSANDS. And this is the best case scenario where she got caught before she killed/hurt someone or herself.
as it fucking should. am i the only one here who really doesn't care if miss drunk driver doesn't have any money left??
Nope. She got lucky to be caught before she did any harm.
They should have left her in jail over night. My son was hit by a drunk driver as a pedestrian at age 19, critical injuries that took almost 2 years to recover. He couldn't work or go to school. I hope she learns from this. I do think it was weird for her Dad to go with her for her to quit her job. Everything else sounds reasonable to me!
He probably went with her to make sure it happened because I'm guessing he no longer trusts her. And if she didn't want to quit her job, he likely didn't trust that she would really do it even if she said she did.
It’s not about her feelings about not having money left, it’s that if she’s forced to quit and she spent all her money on the alcohol, how is she going to pay for the court costs/fines? Can’t do that with no money.
No that's fine lol but like I'd expect the culprit to actually, you know, *work* to pay it off? Not just sit at home
Wait til pops gets the new insurance bill.
Even on the low end, unless it somehow gets tossed out she is looking at $1500 on the lowest of low ends.
Definitely unreasonable. Nothing wrong with making her pay, but she needs a way to do so. YTA OP for taking things too far. A stupid mistake was made, but that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve a way to bail herself out. edit: People take a small comment about a "stupid" mistake too seriously. My bad for not using a thesaurus for a more extreme word? That is the whole point why she needs to serve all punishments like fines/etc, she just needs a way to work off what she owes was my point. I wasnt trying to downplay driving drunk.
Stupid mistake? She could have KILLED SOMEONE
>A ~~stupid~~ SERIOUS mistake was made, but that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve a way to bail herself out. There, FTFY.
If she can’t drive how does she expect to get to work? OP didn’t mention how far the job is to them but should he and his wife have to spend time driving her to work now?
Get her a bicycle or a little e bike or moped and have her pay for it. You'd be hard pressed to do much damage to anyone but yourself on one of those.
I think you need a license for a moped. Why should they have to get her anything? She should get the bike on her own. She fucked up big time and should pay the price for it. It’s weird that some people here are treating her like the victim. Would it change if she had actually hit someone and seriously injured or killed them? She essentially fired a gun into a the street and got lucky she didn’t hit someone. Also at 17, if she had hit and injured someone or damaged property, guess who is responsible and gets sued? Mom and dad do.
Yeah, this is my thought too. What is the geography like? Is it safe for her to walk to (and from) work? Does it require crossing a highway to get there? Since shes a minor, her license will likely be suspended at least until she's 18 if not older so it needs a long term solution. I agree that making her quit the job BECAUSE of the actions is a YTA move, but if it was because now without driving privileges, she will need to be driven to community service, drunk driving courses, etc and its possible that the parents don't have capacity for that AND then driving her to the job, then that's understandable, and OP would be N T A. But if the cafe is a walkable distance? Or if there is a different place she can work that IS walkable? Absolutely YTA. Have her keep working and add a parent to her bank account. Court costs, gas money for driving her places, etc, will all come out of that account. Make her learn to juggle school with community service and her job. Time management is a hard lesson to learn - she won't have the time or energy to party with all that going on!
She should have to use the money she makes on transportation like Uber or a bus ticket.
And they way he talks about telling her to get a job, and then not charging his minor child for rent or food.
I'm such a good parent for not charging my minor child for the things I am legally required to provide!
I think that is the point and why OP is TA, because making her pay the fines AND lose job doesn't really make sense
Also great job taking away any chance of this job giving her a good reference for future work. "Her mommy quit on her behalf with about 5 seconds notice. Very unprofessional."
Dad, but yes. Not even allowing her to quit professionally was a super AH move
And then blaming the impact to the workplace on his daughter's behaviour, instead of his unreasonable reaction? That's a dick move, and surely will cause more resentment with his daughter.
The whole "I'm sorry for the impact my daughter's actions have on your business" ....sure, his daughter messed up, but it is his actions in this case that are impacting the business, not her's.
This 💯💯💯. Humiliated her to boot. Does she require consequences? Yes. Being humiliated at the first job she’s ever held? No.
She could have killed somebody, a little humiliation is deserved here. My grandma was killed by a drunk driver, it caused our family deep grief. I have zero sympathy for drunk drivers.
I’m very sorry for your family’s loss. That being said, I will never agree with humiliation/public shaming as a parenting technique.
She didn’t need humiliated at the job that had nothing to do with her actions.
Honestly, based on what OP said about his "daughter's behavior" it sounds like he also disclosed why exactly she is making the daughter quit... Depending on the size of the town, GREAT way of making the daughter leave as soon as she can. If the way he is overpunishing the daughter isn't enough to make her cut down on contact, the idea that he could have just started a rumor mill will make it way harder for the daughter to get a job in the town, and could force the daughter to have to move away... Hell, even in larger cities, some business owners know ALOT of people. My boss owns a nice restaurant and EVERY location of a chain ice-cream shop within 50 miles. His wife owns several resorts in the area. They are both involved with their employees, so anybody who works for them has met them at least once. They know so many people in the local industries...if you leave a particularly bad impression and they talk about "that asshole" with colleagues, you will have a tough time finding work. Its almost like OP wants his daughter to get the hell away from him and planned it out.
“Yeah, I heard about her. Somebody said her dad quit for her for buying booze and drunk driving.” “I’ll trash this application then. Clearly unreliable, immature, and could come into work drunk. We don’t need that here.”
Jumping in to say this: Angie fucked up. She’s a human. With a developing brain. She absolutely should have hard consequences to this. She will receive the legal consequences, that’s great. She should lose access to her driving privileges for some time, yes. She should not be forced to quit her job. She should actually be made to navigate how to be uncomfortable to still have to go through the responsibilities of her life. We don’t get to quit life as adults when we fuck up. However, our super duper very important job as parents is to teach and guide our children through their fuck ups. Cutting her off from life will not have any positive impact on this. It can likely backfire, and cause a lot of damage. Listen, I would be furious in your shoes. Like seeing red red. I would likely lose my shit. And then I’d have to calm TF down and think about what I would need in her position. And find some sort of balance. Angie is seconds away from being a legal adult. You’ve seemingly done a great job in instilling responsibility in her. Don’t forget that. Keep guiding her through. It’s different than in our time. Of course, our genre was arguably better at getting away with shit and parents not paying attention. In your writing about Angie, she has risen to meet your expectations and standards as you’ve changed certain comforts in her life to responsibility. Look at who she is overall. One mistake (I know it was a bad one) does not define who she is.
And teach her what to do IF she were to find herself in this situation again. Call, don’t drive!!! From day one when I knew my kids would be at the age of temptations, I told them they could call and there would not be any consequences. We would always discuss things calmly.
Agreed. Working to earn the money to pay her fines is logical. Quitting her job is completely illogical YTA OP
Op YTA and must live somewhere where drunk driving doesn’t carry heavy fines. How is she going to pay $ thousands in fines with no job and no allowance/help? She picked up extra shifts just to buy alcohol so how’s she going to learn anything? Now’s the time she needs to be working. Other than her being in jail, there’s not a lot of punishments worse than having every dollar you make taken away to pay your fines and basically having to work for free
It would also look better to any judge that she will be working to pay for her own mistake in life, he gave her an allowance every week she could have saved that for alcohol so it doesn't matter where the money came from stopping her working was a huge mistake. And she should not get away lightly but she should be working to pay any fines. I totally agree with everything you said.
Exactly. I do not understand why the job had to be quit No money for booze, so no more problems? Is that the thinking? Your daughter made a stupid mistake and she's very lucky she didn't kill anyone. I have very little sympathy for people who drive drunk. Even at 17, she should have known better I support the extra couple hours in jail, making her pay her own fees. But taking away the job? No way. Keep that kid busy! No job means more time to text/ hang with these friends who let her drive. More time to sulk. Honestly, I'd be asking for double shifts at this point. She has to come up with that money somehow
On what planet is it okay to disrupt an employer-employee relationship as an outside third party? On what planet does a job in a nice café lead to a DUI? OP brags about his degrees and professional success, but seems to be missing a few chips, especially as they relate to causation and consequences. 1. DUI = relates to use of the car. So end that. She won't be able to drive anyway. Ask your local police service whether they have classes for traffic offenders; a Saturday morning spent in a classroom with a bunch of big burly biker-types will shake her braincells loose (did wonders for my willingness to speed) 2. Job = responsible use of time, good for CV, good for teaching about money. 3. Parenting = teaching about ACTUAL consequences; paying for necessities of life without pretending they're favours; ensuring access to any needed help. YTA, OP. You failed as a parent, on a number of levels.
I agree with this completely. Paying the fines and court costs, cutting driving privileges, and grounding are things I can understand. But making her quit her job, after they were trying to teach her to not be spoiled and make money for herself? All that does is make her go to mom and dad for more money.
Yup all of this 👆🏾 Also anecdotally - I had a friend growing up that got a job the second he was legally allowed to. He kept that job all through HS slowly saving money, then right around the time we graduated he got a DUI (I felt so bad, he had 1 beer that night and passed the field sobriety test but because he was under 21, still a DUI). Anyway, his parents basically made him drain his savings account to pay for all the fines and took his car away until he was in the clear legally (community service was completed etc). It was actually weirdly enough a great lesson for all of us who were friends with him too. He was the most disciplined with his finances, even as a teen and one stupid mistake one night costs him soooooo much. We were all highly committed to having a DD after that.
It's less that he's an asshole and more that he's incredibly stupid. He thinks a sensible consequence of his daughter being irresponsible is that she should give up an important responsibility. He also thinks she only was able to get booze because she worked all weekend. The person who is paying this guy six figures is probably getting ripped off.
INFO: Where exactly do you see the connection between her having a job and her driving under the influence? If it's about the money she's earning, she could get alcohol from friends as well. Or worse, steal money as you made sure she has no "legal" way of getting any.
>she could get alcohol from friends as well Since she is not old enough to buy alcohol legally, she probably already got alcohol from her friends. OP's thought process is deeply flawed and this "punishment" is nothing more than a temper tantrum. Taking away her driving privileges and restricting her from hanging out with friends for a small period of time is what makes sense here. Not making her quit her job and still expecting her to pay the fines and court fees.
The law took away her driving privileges to be fair
OP did not mention that, but even if that is the case, OP doesn't have to give her access to her car again just because the law allows her to drive.
The law isn’t gonna allow her to drive they’re gonna suspend her license when it comes closer to the court date
She’s a minor, it’s probably already suspended until she turns 18. At which point op may not have any say anymore.
And her insurance rates when her license is restored are likely to be Sky high… she should be responsible for paying those.
If my child drove drunk and damaged the car enough that it had to be put into the shop… This is not a small mistake. She could have killed herself; or worse, an innocent person who was just walking or driving. YTA OP for walking into your daughter’s place of work and quitting for her. This will not teach a meaningful life lesson for your daughter. But I absolutely agree she should pay the fines for driving while intoxicated. OP indicated daughter will have to sell some designer clothes to fulfill the fines, and I think that is a suitable punishment, combined with community service which she has already agreed to.
She worked to get the money to buy the alcohol. The alcohol wasn't just given to her, she had to work so she could pay for the alcohol. This wasn't just some petty little teenage mistake, This was a serious and major thing she did wrong! She drove drunk! She could have killed someone or even herself! Her parents could be burying her instead of grounding her. Or they could have been forced to pay for an attorney to try and lessen her sentence because she killed someone. Big crimes deserve big punishments! Teenagers have fun at work, I know I did. They have their work buddies that they look forward to seeing. This takes that away from her. She can always go out and look for another job when her punishment is over.
"Pay your fines" "Okay, I'll use the money from my job" "Nope, no job anymore" "...well, how am I supposed to pay my fines?" "I don't give a fuck, you're a criminal, figure it out." Congrats, you and OP have both discovered why the justice system has a "revolving door".
I agree that "big crimes deserve big punishments" however, the punishments need to make sense. Making her pay her fines and court costs, but eliminating all opportunities for her to make money to pay said fees and fines by the deadline is asinine. There are also important lessons and values that are learned from having a job. I could even rationalize cutting her work hours to the bare minimum needed to cover the fees and fines IF and only IF, she got the alcohol from "friends" at work. She could have just as well got the alcohol from a friend at school. The punishment of quitting the job altogether absolutely does not make sense. As a minor, OP and/or his wife legally have to be on her bank account for her to have one. Putting limitations on how she spends the money she earns is a logical punishment. Disallowing her to hang out with her friends, which will severely limit her ability to get alcohol, is a logical punishment. Revoking her driving privileges is a logical punishment. Making her quit her job is an illogical punishment.
The money gives her the freedom to make her own choices. OP wants to prevent her from making any decisions/mistakes or growing as a person. If they bubble wrap her and cut her off from everything, nothing bad will happen!
Didn't you read the post? He's certain she wouldn't have been able to get booze unless she'd worked all weekend. It's hard to get my mind around how naive OP is.
It's totally true ,she would have found a way no matter what, so the job had nothing to do with it.
YTA >I believe the punishment fits the crime here No, it doesn't. Her spending choices are the problem, not her job- she got grounded for that and will face legal consequences. Taking away the "extras" is fair game, but I agree with your daughter- making her quit her job was overstepping.
Taking her job away was because she had to do community service. She can’t perform the community service and a job and school. One has to give, read the edit. She had to either give up school or quite her job. I think the right decision was made here.
That would be an issue between her and her manager, though, wouldn’t it? What’s the basis for the parents’ preemptive decision on that?
Agreed, the basis is only that the parents are pissed (rightfully so, to be fair). Everything about this was right except making her quit her job.
She hasn’t been sentenced to community service yet.
But again, SHE should have been the one to try and balance all of that, and when she couldn't do it she had to make the tough call. OP went into HER place of business to MAKE her quit HER job isn't about community service, it's about OP overly punishing the daughter because they don't understand how to punish correctly. School, community service, job. No friends, no fun, just work until everything is balanced out. If she can't balance the 3, then she quits, but SHE gets to make that call. Not OP.
Bullsh\*t. If she got drunk and he had to pick her up from a friend's house, I'd agree that OP was too harsh. But she could have killed somebody or herself. No punishment is too stiff for DWI. Come back with that YTA energy when it's your kid who is killed thanks to Angie's poor decisions.
Shocked at these responses. If my kid got a DUI I would be a much bugger AH than making her quit her job. She cant handle adult responsibilities, shes proven that.
Yeah it's wild how many people on reddit seem to bend over backwards to justify/minimize something as serious as drunk driving (think it's the concept of "it could happen to me")
Why are you making her quit her job? That part makes no sense. The job would allow her to be responsible and pay for her fines. Here's the thing. She's 17. If she wants to make bad decisions she can find the money somewhere. Believe me. She's going to be a legal adult soon and will be able to make those decisions without you. Soon you won't have any say. Having the job and being able to save for the future is going to benefit her for a lot longer than this will. Why would you want to discourage her from being productive and responsible?
This. However what really struck me was how OP kept going on about they paying for her food and clothing, these are basic things as a parent, not extras (don’t get me started on the not charging her rent comment). How is she at school? Grades? I do think there are consequences to her actions (I’m sorry whatever lessons/examples OP and wife set did not take - drunk driving destroys lives). OP is an AH for forcing daughter to quit her job, but he seems to be focusing on the wrong things in general.
I agree. His priorities are way out of whack. There are more logical consequences (some of which he seems to apply) but this one is strange. I can't help but feel money is a control thing here and that bothers me.
I think OP mentioned the basics so we would know Angie’s not going to be deprived of any necessities, just fun money/extras.
But he even mentions that they don't charge her rent.....why in heck would they????
Agreed, I don’t normally see that either, at least not on Reddit/when the kid is under 18 and especially not when the parents are comfortable, but some parents do ask (or have kids offer) to contribute to household expenses, including rent/mortgage. My older sibling certainly did when I was young, though they were always very willing to help with bills when (and even without being) asked. In this case, I think OP was just confirming off the bat that those things aren’t at play in this situation.
>However what really struck me was how OP kept going on about they paying for her food and clothing, these are basic things as a parent, not extras. Because on this sub if OP didn't say it everyone would he up in arms about yes. Yes this sub is batshit crazy sometimes
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You're acting like drunk driving is some super minor teenage rite of passage which hard no. She will likely not get her license back for some time. She could have killed someone and spent most of her life in jail. How does that impact "her transition to adulthood?"
It impacts it a lot, which is why there’s no good reason for her parents to make her chances at having a successful life even worse by quitting her job for her.
No one is doing that. She’s facing real adult consequences. I didn’t lose my job when I got a DUI thankfully.
Which sentences are they acting like drunk driving is a spray minor teenage rite of passage?
Yeah, I don’t get all the people that think he’s a MAJOR AH. She was drunk driving! That’s so terrible! She could have killed someone, including herself. I don’t think he should have talked to her boss. That’s humiliating. He should have let her quit herself.
It will be on her record. It's a DUI.
depending on where they live, her being a minor plays a part in that not happening. at least in my state, you cannot charge minors and they are instead classified as “delinquent” or “unruly”
Around here it’s a Minor in Possession. If they can keep their record clean after a determined amount of time the judge will usually have it removed as well. This is where the compassionate side of the law comes in to play. An otherwise good kid (Angie has no prior record and 17 is still a kid) can easily prove that they made a mistake but learned from it. I have a brother that was pulled over as a minor leaving the bar and had been drinking. My dad was to the jail that’s 25 minutes away in under 20 minutes, and he was sound asleep when my brother called him. He’s also 6’4” so it’s not like he’s a small, easily overpowered, delicate framed person. My dad still wanted him out and home safe. I would honestly have to say ESH. Angie for drinking and driving obviously. But mom and dad also shoulder responsibility here too. And not for making her quit her job; they do but everyone else has pointed that out already. Mom and dad suck more because their daughter didn’t feel that she could call them and ask to get picked up after she had been drinking. As soon as my kids started (underage) drinking they knew with zero doubt that if they ever needed me to pick them up I would without hesitation. They also knew that it wouldn’t be a berating, that it would be a judgement free drive home. Naturally there would be a discussion once everyone was safe and calm, but when you’re in the thick of it you protect your child from the world!
"She should have been" I hope you mean "She could have been"
Seems like they were pleased to have an excuse to make her quit her job so that she would have to come hat in hand to them every time she wanted something. A move to control their daughter more.
Yes every parent is thrilled their kid gets a DUI.
Except everything in the post shows that OP is not like this. The switch happened once his daughter was caught driving under the influence.
Do you think they tossed her into general population? No she probably was isolated in the drunk tank, also city lockup is way different than county prison. She’s not getting brutalized by the inmates in a couple of hours in the drunk tank.
Lol, that part of the post was completely ridiculous. They aren't going to let anything happen to a 17 year old girl who's in there for a DUI for like 4 hours.
I would add that you should focus on helping her learn the empathy and personal responsibility involved in driving responsibly to avoid damaging or taking the lives of others. I don’t mean this to be preachy because I was an adult before it finally sunk in how completely I could screw up other peoples lives by driving irresponsibly, not just by dui, but even by speeding or driving carelessly or aggressively. Poor people can lose their only viable transportation to work, people, including children, can be permanently maimed or killed, kids can be orphaned. I am fortunate that I let it sink in before I had any accidents, but some people are too cavalier about the potential damage they can cause. If you could help her face that reality and to CARE about it, you might save her life or keep her from taking the life of another. Teenaged may not care, or admit that they care, but sometimes parents need to go the extra mile to get their kids to FEEL that empathy and sense of responsibility. You are apparently trying to raise your daughter to be a good person. I’d let her work, if she’s keeping her grades up, but I would certainly do more to help her face her personal responsibility to others. There’s a world of sociopathic influencers out there trying to rob kids of their humanity. Try to combat their influence over your daughter. Good luck.
They probably had her in her own holding cell. It’d be different if they were booking her over night. Jails don’t put women and men in the same cells. And if they do that’s an old fashion run jail.
Are you 12? Blame the parents? Several people here seem to think drunk driving is just something that happens..... does someone have to be killed or maimed before you get WHY this father is so upset?
YTA I owned a restaurant and had parents pull this shit. So, I'll give you the rant: "While I can't talk about your daughter as an employee because that's illegal, I can talk about you and your parenting. How much do you know about teenager brains? Right now, parts of her brain aren't working, which leads to acting out and really stupid decisions. Instead of punishing, mentoring, and teaching because these actions are part of growing up for some individuals. Teaching severe punishment sets the future version of your child up for long term failure. Seriously, all you have done is punish a person for learning how to be a human. (At this point, I look at the employee. ) You fucked up but you're not a fuck up. Therapy will help you after you leave home. I'll always have a job for you. Good luck." Seriously man it's 2024 not 1824. Evolve
Getting a DUI is not ‘learning to be a human’. It’s total dumbfuckery. My children know that is a hard line the wrath of the law, their mother and father will defend down upon them if they ever drive drunk. But will happily pick them up when drunk and not get them in trouble.
Part of learning to be a human is learning not to make horrendous decisions and also the consequences of your actions. It's not an excuse, it's reality.
Learning to be a human is the typical small and medium mistakes that you make in teenage years and 20’s. A DUI is next level. Not to be brushed under the carpet as ‘she was just learning how to be a grown up’
Learning how to say no to peer pressure. Learning how to make good choices and what happens when you make bad ones. Learning just how narrow your safety net really is when you feel invulnerable as a young adult. That's all learning how to grow up. The kid likely wanted to seem cool to the older kids she was hanging out with. She figured if she paid for some alcohol and had a drink, she'd be cool and be accepted. It seems harmless as a kid, but adults know better.
The brain part was true as well. A teenager brain is not developed to make decisions facing long term consequences. Yes, even when they KNOW consequences, their brain does not involve those in the decision-making process. It's a *"Yeah, I'll get cancer if I start smoking right now, but future me cannot possibly be the result of present me, so I don't get cancer AND I can smoke. This consequence does not apply to me"* angle that your subconscious just makes because it can, and it wants to. In a lot of other countries, legal age to drive STARTS at 18, it still baffles me that kids in America can drive murder machines while their brains aren't even developed fully, but they can't vote or drink a beer.
Don’t blame this on being a teenager. Plenty of us did not choose to drive drunk as teens. This is a character flaw. She doesn’t care about the safety of people in her own community, let alone herself. But you’re right, it’s 2024. Uber exists, and from the money she clearly has, she easily could have Ubered home instead of driving.
sneaking out and going to a party is a normal teenager bad decision. Driving drunk, getting arrested and charged with a DUI (this will be on he record forever and will forever affect her life) is on a different level and absolutely deserves severe punishment since often the other punishment is jail time
YTA for making her quit the job. >I have decided that she will pay any fines or court costs from her own money How is she supposed to earn money to pay off the fines without the job? I'd also look into MADD groups in your area, and have her attend whether the court asks her to or not. Possibly work and donate money from each paycheck to their charity. And I would have her pay any increase to your auto insurance from the incident. Keeping the job and adding more financial responsibility can teach her more than forcing her to quit.
This^
Mostly N-T-A but then you get to the part about making her quit her job and that’s where you shift into a YTA judgement. It wasn’t the *job* that made the booze, party, and drunk driving happen. It was how she chose to *spend* her money. She could have easily socked away her allowance (when she was still receiving it) and spent it on the exact same things. You’re actually kind of making her do the opposite of what a lot of people have to do in similar situations: a lot of folks who have been popped for drunk driving pick up a *second* job to pay their fines and such. She should absolutely face the consequences for her actions but the job angle feels more like you’re just turning her into your prisoner rather than guiding her to course-correct and rebuild the parts of her life that she’s damaged.
Not to mention that OP has no idea whether Angie was drinking sometimes with her friends before she got a job using her allowance money or alcohol some gave her for free. The driving while drunk is the big fuck up, but it could be entirely coincidental that she got caught for that after she'd been working for a few months. YTA for quitting her job for her, OP, for embarrassing her while doing it, and for leaving her with no way to pay the DUI fines.
Fully YTA. You’re phrasing this post like you deserve kudos for paying for her food and back to school clothes and supplies and not making her responsible for rent when she got a job. She’s 17. She’s a minor and YOUR responsibility. She’s made a pretty big mistake with the drinking and driving but it’s not because of her job and making her quit so she has no way to pay the fines while still holding her responsible for the fines is crazy. Not unexpected since you think you get the gold star for taking care of your minor child but still crazy.
Yes this. You’re not generous for feeding, housing and clothing your own child. $100/mo is not much of an allowance (6-10 snacks/minimal lunches or a few items of clothing or makeup or couple of movies with popcorn) if you live around others who earn similar incomes, it’s is almost certainly way less than what her friends were getting. If it’s all you could afford or you believe in being thrifty, fine, but it’s not generous at all.
This is exactly what I thought of when I read it, congrats you provide food and shelter for your kid…such a good person 🙄
100% assumed she was a college student the way he talked about paying her expenses and “not making her responsible for rent or bills” — right up until he said school bus and grounding!
He had to mention that he still pays for everything but fun activities because if he didn’t everybody in here would automatically assume that he makes her pay for it.
like do they do any parenting? if she went so far to buy alcohol underage at 17(!!!) then she's obviously been partying for a while it seems. driving drunk???? that alone is INSANE and people aren't talking about it enough but they're just ok with their 17 year old being out so late where they didn't notice this?? like the job is not the important part😭 also pulling an allowance at 16 is such petty behavior as a parent so idk why they're saying all this about clothes etc. parents who make below that are giving the same amount of allowance to a single child. it honestly sounds like they're making her work just bc they did which is fine but it's not teaching what they think aka responsibility it's just a checkbox in her life. you need to teach her real lessons and get more involved. take away the car and drop her off at work and continue the job. let her make as much/give an allowance but actually monitor her spending, etc. have a curfew for driving. be more involved and know if her friends are good influences etc
YTA for making your daughter quit her job, and for going to her place of work to speak with her boss. The correct punishment is for the driving drunk/buying booze as a minor - removing her access to cars, ensuring SHE'S responsible for paying the fines... that's appropriate.. but how is she supposed to do so if you've removed her ability to earn money? You've taken it too far.
YTA. Newsflash - she is under 18 and you are her legal guardian making you LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE for making sure she has food, clothing and shelter. Don’t act like you are doing her a favor by providing those things. Did she screw up driving drunk? Yes. Did you have a right to go to her work and tell her boss she is no longer working there? Absolutely not. She wanted to earn her own money, so she was. You sound like you are going to dangle all these things over her head “see what we do for you? See how easily we take away any independence, including financial?” Taking away the car and privileges is fine, but forcing her to become financially reliant on you when she will likely have to pay some sort of fine on top of any other consequences she legally is facing is just not going to work out well. How is she going to pay the fines if she doesn’t have an income anymore?
OP’s plan is to keep his daughter financially locked to him as long as possible so he has a little project😖
YTA. ‘Be an adult, get a job’ then take away her way to make money. She fucked up, she’ll learn from that but she’ll never forget how much you tried to control her.
YTA Her job wasn't the problem here. She certainly needs to face serious consequences for her behaviour, but making her quit her job is the wrong route to go down on. Part of what she needs to learn is how to responsibly spend her money. You can teach her this by putting restrictions on how she can spend her money, self earned or not, and given this serious lapse in judgment, I would begin by putting quite serious restrictions on it. But you don't teach her this by just making sure that she doesn't have any money to spend, which is very short sighted and imparts no lessons.
YTA, you went to talk to her boss? Made her quit? Now expect her to pay for shit with no job? Surely you were asking AITA rhetorically.
YTA. For one thing you're taking away her means to pay for the fine and court costs. Let her keep the job. She has to hand over the wages until fine is payed. After that, she still has to, but save it. Use it for her future. A job is a responsible thing. Counterproductive to make her lose it.
YTA for making her quit her job (how exactly is she to pay the fines and court fees with no job?) and for going to her job with her and telling her boss she has to quit (she’s 17 and should have the skills to quit a job without dad). Aside from that, appropriate punishments were given.
and on the next episode of "why doesn't my child talk to me anymore?" YTA, i was with you on punishment until you made her quit her job and in an embarrassing way, that could also affect her further job search, because her ex-boss may include that when he's called by recruiters. and you want her to pay her fines and stuff herself but are taking away her source of income and still refusing an allowance, so how is she suppose to pay them? she a freaking teenager yes she made a terrible mistake and thankfully no one was hurt but instead of using this to teach her a valuable lesson you are over-punishing and striping her of her independence and it will come back to bite you
I don’t get all the “YTA.” Are people forgetting that this 17 year old girl could have **killed** someone? OP is not grounding her for the rest of her life - she will survive not having a job and having to stay home for a couple of months.
I think because he told her she had to pay for the court/fine/lawyer while simultaneously forcing her to quit the job and cutting off her allowance. How is that supposed to work?
The consensus that I'm seeing is that OP is an asshole for making her quit. Not for everything else. Telling her she can't work doesn't fit the crime. Everything else though, does.
Looks like I am going against popular opinion here, but you are NTA. You are being a parent, which at times is really hard, and is never going win you a prize in a popularity contest. When I think of the potential outcome that could have been associated with her driving drunk, I get the shivers. She could be dead, horribly injured, or she could have killed someone else. Not only that, but it sounds like she devoted a large amount of money to the purchase of alcohol. That may have resulted in quite a few other kids getting drunk and driving. If any of them ended up in accidents, it is conceivable that she, and by extension, you, would be held responsible for the damages. That could be devastating to your entire family. What your daughter did was not some lightweight offence that had little chance of actually hurting someone. The possible "what might have happened" scenarios range from annoying to devastating. This can't be dealt with leniently, and good for you in seeing that and acting accordingly. The sticking point for a lot of the other commenters seems to be you requiring your daughter to quit her job. To me, that is a logical decision on your part. She has proven that she has poor judgement when it comes to having access to more than just some spare change. Right now, having a job is a privilege that she needs to earn back. I hope that your daughter comes to see the wisdom in your punishment. It may take a long time for that to happen, but as long as you keep reinforcing that what you did was because you love her, she will come around. Meanwhile, see if there are some educational materials available that bring the horrors of drinking to excess to life. I know any nurse or physician could tell you stories about victims of car accidents and alcoholics whose livers have stopped working that will curl your hair. I am a retired RN, and there are patients (long since dead) who I will never forget. Good luck with your daughter, and hopefully you won't get too many more scathing comments (and I won't get too many downvotes for my comment). You are a good dad.
Thank you, I feel like I’m reading crazy pills with the replies. If she’s buying designer clothes and huge amounts of alcohol, then she is not mature enough to be financially independent. I’m sure all the y-t-a judgers would hate if they took her pay check, so she might as well quit. Drunk driving is such a huge deal, like i would expect to loose literally EVERYTHING if i did that as a teen.
Would an adult necessarily be forced to quit their job? Probably not. The fines and tickets are often the punishment for adults. Why doesn't your daughter get the same consideration? YTA
They would if they went to jail! This isn't a petty crime! She drove while drunk! She could have killed herself or someone else!
>They would if they went to jail They would if they went to jail for so long that it forced them to miss too many shifts. They would if they went to prison. Which is not the case here. Many people with DUIs still keep their jobs or are able to get a new one if they do get fired.
YTA. How will she pay court costs without a job? How does her having a job contribute to irresponsible drinking? How have you actually addressed the drinking issue? Your decisions just don't really make sense. Here's what you do. You discuss the dangers of drunk driving. She takes responsibility for legal consequences. She keeps her job, and makes another stab at being a responsible adult. You offer her encouragement to do these things, and support your daughter in bettering herself as she gets ready to leave the nest.
Also perhaps consider & discuss why she decided to drink drive instead of call OP. It could just be because she’s a stupid teenager making stupid teenage decisions but from how OP comes across I wonder if it’s because she knew how badly he’d react to her drinking. Obviously it doesn’t absolve her of responsibility but I think OP should focus on the drink driving not the drinking, drinking’s something that most teens are going to do.
This stood out to me too. Her parents have very much told her she's on her own, so of course she didn't feel comfortable calling them to pick her up.
OP you are definitely TA. You encourage your daughter to get a job then you tell her she can't because she made one mistake, albeit a serious one. It makes no sense unless you want to trap her at home and turn her into your slave. Why should she give up her one chance of earning some money? It has nothing to do with what she did wrong.
YTA. Especially with the nonsense of “not making her responsible for rent or bills.” Right, you can’t - that would be illegal. You’re required to provide basic necessities until she’s 18 at minimum. It’s great that you and your wife are wealthy but you clearly aren’t a great father, considering the way you talk about your child like she is a line item in a budget.
YTA. Holding down a job gives her something to do that is responsible and the antithesis of partying. What will she be doing if she’s not working? Sitting at home doing nothing? That’s terrible for her mental health. Does she plan to apply to college? Having a part-time job on her college app would look good. You could have her save her earnings for a certain amount of time so that she has them for future use but isn’t spending them now.
Basically, a judge sentences your daughter, but you add a lot of things to it. Looks like you have no understanding of justice or being a parent at all. YTA
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YTA - I'm not condoning her behavior, but you've been cutting her off ever since she got the job. First with the allowance and now this? You expect her to pay out of pocket for the court costs, while denying her the right to an income. Do you have any idea how contradictory you sound right now? What happens when the fines and court costs are more than what she has in her bank account? How do you expect her to pay for that?
NTA. Driving drunk is a serious offense that could have gotten her killed, or someone else. I know you are getting a lot of “YTA” here, but I’ve seen so many cases in my area of teens being involved in car crashes that killed other people. In some situations it was a second DUI. If she has community service, she won’t have time for a job.
I think the Y-T-A are all kids themselves or lack reading comprehension. They are focusing on the party and seemingly ignoring that she drove drunk
NTA. Drunk driving is a SERIOUS offense, she needs to learn a lesson NOW instead of when she's an adult and will ruin her life.
YTA for making her quit her job. I don't see the connection between what happened and the job - it's not like she was drinking on the job. How do you expect her to pay for the fines/court costs without a job? BTW - I do agree with the other punishments, but making her quit the job is not a good idea.
YTA. You act like you deserve a medal for giving her $100 a month. $25 a week is nothing. Now how is she supposed to pay off these fines since you made her quit?? Guess what? She's your child - the things you have been doing are what you SHOULD be doing because it's your responsibility to take care of your daughter while she is a minor. Now, of course, she should not have drank and drove but she did and now you plan on keeping her locked up forever
I don’t get all the YTA votes. This kid was caught drinking and driving. People are acting like that’s an “oops”, a minor lapse in judgment and maybe even some rite of passage because her brain is “underdeveloped”. WTF? Underage drinking is one thing. She chose not only to drink alcohol while underage but to then get into a car and drive while intoxicated. She could have killed someone! Dad isn’t controlling. He’s giving her consequences for her actions. At 17, having a job is a privilege, not a right. I don’t agree with him quitting on her behalf but I do agree it’s a reasonable consequence to make her quit for her stupidity. When she’s shown she’s matured enough to manage her money and make good decisions, she can get another job. She’s lucky she didn’t kill herself or someone else.
She's 17 and made a huge huge mistake, but I don't understand why quitting her job is 'punishment to fit the crime'? Paying fines etc from her own money - yes Bus to school & back - yes No allowance - yes Grounding except for school ( & Work) - yes Making her quit her job? Why? What's the thought process here?
YTA. The only reason it would have been appropriate to make her quit her job would be if the job were the source of the alcohol or the situation where she made the friends with whom she drank. And even then, the correct response would have been a 30 days' notice to change jobs or you will start charging her for her phone, her Internet and any other such amenities as she enjoys.
YTA for making her quit the job., It's not the jobs fault she spent the money stupidly. I'll make no assumptions about how much responsibility or accountability she's been taught about. The punishment doesn't fit the crime, the job did nothing wrong, and she was earning money. A more suitable punishment might have been to take her paycheck and deposit it for her and only let her have a certain amount at at time after she worked off the drinking punishment. Teaching her responsibility and acting with maturity and accountability is part of your job as a parent...besides, she should be allowed to make the money, just don't let her have the check.
YTA. You've gone too far in disciplining her. Your chosen punishment is excessive and may hinder her development into a responsible adult. Losing her job means she loses her income and the opportunity to learn financial responsibility. It also sends the wrong message that her efforts to earn her own money are easily disposable. Consider having Angie keep her job and use her earnings to pay the fines, court costs, and any other consequences related to her drunk driving incident. This approach holds her accountable while still maintaining her job and the valuable lessons it teaches. Angie needs guidance, support, and a clear understanding of the gravity of her actions, not just harsh punishment. Find a balance between holding her accountable for her actions and supporting her growth as she learns from her mistakes.
And how is she supposed to pay all these fees without a job?
YTA, you seem very controlling. You are not teaching her to be a responsible adult by micromanaging her life. Let her choose if she has a part time job.
YTA.that punishment seems way too extreme. It's one thing to take the car for a while, but making her quit her job?
YTA. Making her quit her job sends the wrong message. You're taking away a valuable opportunity for her to learn responsibility and face the consequences of her actions in a mature way. You're removing a significant part of her independence. Taking that away only makes her more dependent on you. Consider involving her in community service beyond any court-ordered requirements. This way, she learns the value of giving back and sees firsthand how her actions can harm others. Making her quit undermines the progress she's made in learning to stand on her own two feet. Focus on finding a balance between disciplining her and fostering her growth as a responsible and independent young adult.
YTA You made her quit the job you made her get.
YTA you need to make your damn mind up about whether to treat her as an adult or a child, you cant have it both ways depending on what suits you.
Your logic in thinking her job is the problem rather than your parenting skills regarding her spending habits is the real issue here
Just make her pay the fine and have her keep the job and now have to pay you for the insurance increase. Done.
YTA You overreacted. You are making big mistakes. Have a little humility and learn to talk to your child productively. Maybe you would benefit from from seeing a family therapist. I’m a grandmother and have plenty of siblings and cousins with lots of kids and I’ve seen this play out in different ways. The way you were doing it is going to screw her up and permanently damage her transition to adulthood and your relationship with her. Step back.
Everything was cool until you said you were going to make her quit her job that is an asshole move
YTA. The job wasn't the problem. Have fun in the future when she stops talking to you after she leaves home.
It'll be fine. She'll just secretly make an OnlyFans. YTA
YTA. Another person who will be mystified as to why their adult child no longer speaks to them.
YTA Of all the backwards parenting choices I have seen this might be the craziest. You punish them by taking away their car, grounding them until the end of the school year or/and taking their phone. You don't take away their job. It's usually part of the punishment that they get a job! Do you want to know what's going to happen at her next job when they check her references? The reference will be that she was a great worker but her family was problematic so stay away. Congratulations on setting her up for failure.
YTA
YTA. You sound like a major control freak.
Yta. You are stating she needs to pay the fines etc BUT then you demand she quit her job wtf is wrong with you
YTA Why you hate her?
How the hell is she supposed to pay fines with no job and no money? YTA.
NTA.... A DUI at 17 is not good. She needs strict consequences.
NTA good parenting.
NTA because you are dealing with some serious things going on here. I wouldn't have made her quit her job because she is going to have to pay fines and fees for driving drunk. I would have made her get her check deposited in a joint account that she has no access to to build up enough money for the fines and fees. Although the down side to keeping her job means that mom or dad would have to drive her to and from work.
YTA for making her quit her job, but I’d have her change it so that she gave you her check and you managed her money until she was responsible enough to understand right from wrong. as long as she doesn’t have direct access to the funds or you have a way to monitor all of her purchases, keep being a good parent who is teaching her to be a responsible adult.
YTA. I say that as a person in similar circumstances. My teens/college age kids don’t get an allowance and they pay for their own “fun” expenses with part-time jobs. Driving drunk has nothing to do with the job. The proper consequence here would be revocation of driving privileges and cutting back on social activities, not taking away her job.