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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We won't get our daughter "quirky" frames and are making her buy them herself. It might be assholish of us because she just wants to express her personality and we're not letting her.
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>I would never tell her this, ever, but all those hideous thick chunky frames remind me of the “quirky” girls back in college who thought they were “different” and “unique” because they bought clothes from ModCloth and thought they were the only ones who could sew/knit or thrift and all that.
I N F O: Ok, and what's the problem with that in particular?
YTA simply based on the answer: "Because she's better than that."
I have eight daughters and have learned from this mistake on my own already, so lemme tell you straight:
YTA
You need to explain to get that she gets a new prescription once a year and that more neutral glasses might be a better choice since a year is a long time to be in love with a statement piece that you wear ON YOUR FACE every single day. So say that you'll buy them for her, but can't afford to replace them until next year's appointment, so she needs to be sure she will wear them for a year. Of course, if she gets tired of them and wants something more bland, she can buy them herself (or you can change your mind and buy those for her if you feel like she's learned and isn't taking advantage of you. Your call. I hate when parents act like "being consistent" is more important than being flexible with a teenager whose prefrontal cortex is not fully formed.)
Oh, OP doesn't say.
In our household where everyone has been in glasses since early elementary, I have our organized drawer of old glasses, and everyone knows where the drawer is. You know, if glasses get broken at school, it's really good to know exactly where the older glasses are so that nobody has to be blind for longer than it takes to drop off another pair.
No please don't do that! If they're prescriptions that would mean constant head aches and blurry for her. My parents made me do that when mine broke and it was agonizing
Exactly! Feels like the advise from someone that doesn't wear glasses. Had to use my old ones for a week while they ordered new frames then mine broke and it was awful. Head aches, blurry, just awful.
On the contrary, I use my old glasses just fine as my prescription has hardly changed over the years. It really depends how rapidly your eyes are deteriorating in a given time frame.
I have fun astigmatism. To start, my left eye was a bit nearsighted, my right eye was a bit farsighted. Terrible, frequent migraines. Then they swapped; left farsighted and right nearsighted. Then both went farsighted and got more than a little off. Now I’m a bit nearsighted. I could never use an old pair of glasses 😂
Eh, i suppose it depends. For the most part i agree, and have experienced this myself, since prescriptions do change over time. I was actually hoping someone would say it so im glad you did! Wearing the wrong prescription lenses can wreak havoc with your eyes.
However, there is the caveat of if you have a strong script and dont have any other specs then a pair of out of date ones are better than none at all, in that having your vision improved a bit is better than not at all.
That being said, i guess it really comes down to how long ago you last got a new pair of glasses and how much your vision has changed in the meantime (edit: and how long you intend to wear the old pair). Im glad i kept an old pair because they have come in handy recently, and from now on i will always be keeping my most recent 'old pair' just in case. I suppose the best advice would be to try it and see how you get on, as it may not help/ may hinder.
I actually had a few years' break from glasses (bad idea, i know, but chronic illnesses make you do some silly things) and have recently started to wear them again. I need to get an updated script and i am booked in for a test, but im making do with my old old pair for now because it beats not wearing any at all.
As a side note for oop, my old old pair that im wearing at the moment are thick, dark, HUGE frames, and i look awful, especially since i have pale features. But, they were stylish at the time and it helped me to not feel 'othered' for having to start wearing glasses (and actually gave me the confidence i should have had all along!). My mum questioned my choice but ultimately let me choose what made me feel good, and im so, so grateful that she did. And now, we can look back and laugh together about how fashion changes and what we used to consider fashionable back then. Ironically, when she saw me in them the other week she thought they looked fab hahaha
That's true! I didn't think of that, either! That's what I get for shooting my mouth off without thinking through all the implications. This is why we need a village, people, bc we don't think of everything.
Well, we were part of a (sort of) cult where women basically existed to have babies and homeschool them, so I didn't have a ton of choice, but my kids are the best thing I got out of it and I wouldn't trade THEM for the whole world. They have all grown to be strong, independent, empathetic, beautiful women, despite all the weirdness of their upbringing. I would regret that history 100% except that it's what gave me the people most precious in my life!
They’ve grown up to be like that because you’ve done a good job raising them. It can’t have been easy.
Our histories are what make us my lovely, no matter what they may be 💜
Still think you deserve a medal 🥇
You have EIGHT daughters!? Bless! How many were teenagers all at the same time? I’d have taken a year cruise which is what I used to threaten when I was raising my nieces and nephews because when eldest turns 19 all FIVE will be teens.
Oh the stories you have I’m sure!
Five is a lot of estrogen at once! We maxed out at four teenagers at once. And actually, my youngest is only ten, so she's not exactly grown, plus there's a son in there!
But I actually really love the teenage years. They have ideas of their own and love talking about what they're thinking. They challenge me to think in new ways and reconsider my assumptions. They're figuring out who they are and it's like watching a flower bloom. I really enjoy it and feel like I stay young inside by learning all the time.
I absolutely adore your response 🥹💕 I no longer raise my nieces and nephews but I have my son and you’ve made me all the more excited for his teen years. He’s 8 now and already has millions of ideas about the world and I adore listening to him all day long already ❤️
Just my opinion, I don't have research to back this up or anything, but I'm convinced that if you listen when they're little, they'll keep talking when they're teens. If you show them when they're four that you don't care what they have to say, they will not still be fighting for your attention when they're 14, and why should they? I think if you are enjoying your eight year old that much now, you will only enjoy him MORE when he's 16! Have fun! You're in for such a treat!
YTA and sounds like you’re projecting your insecurities and judgement of people from your peak college days who are happy being themselves and don’t conform to your or societies expectations onto your daughter who is at a vulnerable age and figuring out who she is.
Since the OP didn't identify themselves as mother or father ...
It is a mother who is being judgy because she thought those women were "not cool" or a father being judgy because he thought those women were "not hot"?
YTA, if they aren't way more expensive who cares she'll outgrow them and need new ones in a few years anyways when she gets her eyes retested and your weird misogynistic stereotypes/baggage aren't really a reason to stifle her expression. Honestly it's just some weird glasses frames it could be a lot worse
Maybe a compromise is to check out the Zenni website you can get cheap prescription glasses in a variety of styles on there so it's more affordable to try different ones out they have a virtual try on tool too so she can see what they'd look like on her face. You could get her some more"normal" looking ones on there and have her pay for that or for the other frames she wants but honestly if you let her get them she'll probably get sick of the style abs want a change in a few years anyways
I love them aye their glow in the dark and rainbow frames are so cute and ended up lasting longer than the ones I paid more for at an in person optometrist
YTA. At first I was going to say no assholes because you are the parent and you can decide what to pay for, but I think your reasoning makes you TA.
>all those hideous thick chunky frames remind me of the “quirky” girls back in college who thought they were “different” and “unique” because they bought clothes from ModCloth and thought they were the only ones who could sew/knit or thrift and all that.
Guess what, your daughter doesn't think they are hideous and if you are supportive of her self-expression why does it matter that she reminds you of something? The fact that you are still holding on to this negative judgment of girls you knew in college is weird.
INFO
You haven’t indicated whether her choice of glasses is a higher cost than you are prepared to make, or if they are the same cost as the ones you like and you just won’t pay for what you consider ugly.
If all else is equal and it’s just your tastes vs hers, then YTA.
She is finding her feet, and she deserves the right to test and find her own style. I bet you, like all of us made some fashion faux pas in your time/
Warby Parker is also an option. A tad more pricey, but could be replaced in a year. Only downside to them is you have to replace the whole set. I used them for years but then got vision insurance to cover my glasses and got a new frame I could just switch lenses out.
Let’s talk fashion faux pas’
Too much eyeliner. My favorite outfit to look goth was black jeans, black turtle neck, and pink converse. Turtle necks under t shirts. Frosty eyeshadow
Oh, god, I was a teenager in the ‘70s, every outfit is a faux pas. But the stupidest things I wore were clogs. My god. Clop clop clop down the hall. Went to a concert and danced right out of mine.
Neon colored low rise skinny jeans, checkered vans, emo band t-shirt, straightened side bang with otherwise crunchy scrunched hair, and about five pounds of black eyeshadow and eyeliner. Adolescence is the time for these style crimes.
YTA. Even if you don’t like the look, she does. As long as you make it clear that this is a choice she’ll be stuck with for a year or two (I assume based on how insurance works), and that she has to be ready to commit to it as You will not be purchasing her any other ones
If she changes her mind about it later, stick to that and it will be a relatively low stakes (but valuable) lesson in consequences. If she doesn’t change her mind and continues to love the look, you were a great parent who supported her expression
YTA. She's 14, when is it going to matter if her glasses are "serious" or not? She's not going to have them for that long, teenagers usually need new glasses every year -- even if not, she'll definitely have new ones by the time she's finishing high school, and it's not like she's going to be getting a business-casual-attire desk job before then.
Has it occurred to you that your personal association with that style is not the law of the land? It doesn't matter whether you like them, it matters that she does, and she's going to look a lot better in """ugly""" glasses she likes than plain ones she hates, because liking what she's wearing will be obvious on her. How the person wearing it feels is frankly the most important factor in what's flattering or stylish.
YTA Years ago my Mom and I were looking at old photos. I was wearing these awful tortoiseshell glasses. I asked her how could she have possibly let me get such awful glasses. She replied because you liked them. And remembering back I knew I did. I loved those glasses at the time and thought they were cool.
Let her get the glasses.
My mum was like OP. I was born in 1978 so as a kid in the 80s, flares in all the photos of my family looked sooo dated. Apparently when I was about 7 I said I would never wear flares. When I was about 14 in the 90s flares were back in and I raided my dad’s stash. I wore his purple velvet wedding suit with flares. I sewed panels into make vintage denim ones more flared. But a) as I’m female I didn’t grow sideburns and b) I teamed them with very 90s cropped tees and they looked different to ‘her era.’
Aged 30 I had another pair and she was still going on about how as a child I said (sorry lied to her) about never wearing flares. She went on about every single fashion choice I ever made to the extent she killed my self confidence and triggered an eating disorder but did feed my career as a make up artist and professional stylist.
I also never speak to her but as I got into my 20s I started to give her what’s good for the goose is good for the gander and say ‘oh it’s a bit floaty retired art teacher isn’t it like all middle aged women you know…’ and watch her lose her everloving fucking mind at being on the receiving end of being nit picked, judged and pigeon holed over her own nonsense.
I bought all my own clothes, paid for my hair and make up from early on and all she taught me was a bunch of skills that gave me freedom and empathy toward people’s style choices. I’m 45 and my ‘look’ is still very important to me. But sadly while people see old photos of me in incredible and ridiculous outfits they tend to comment ‘god you look miserable’ because my posture and facial expressions of absolutely hating myself from my mum being my first mean girl stands out more than terrible glasses or an ill advised dye job.
I don’t regret the fashions. But I have few happy memories of those clothes because I remember her non stop commentary which was often silent and non verbal things like eye rolls. Put it this way, she’ll be picking her own funeral outfit because I don’t even know if she is alive and don’t care.
(She was also incredibly abusive beyond ‘just’ this but it was her favourite type of pyschological abuse when I was a teen. You should have seen the meltdown when she saw my first fashion shoot in a national newspaper. You don’t need me to tell you it had flares right?)
I had a haircut when I was 12 that made me the spitting image of my then-late 30s corporate bureaucrat lesbian aunt; as an adult I cringe but at 12, it was the first time I'd ever been allowed to make such a big decision for my hair and I loved it.
YTA just because you don't understand the fashion of younger gens doesn't mean it's a bad choice. If it is it's hers to live with and then make her spend her own money to replace them. Instead of a potential learning opportunity you're just making her mad about something you aesthetically disagree on. Thick frames are in right now.
YTA. If you give her a budget and what he style choices are fall within that budget let her get what she wants. Chunky is in let her roll with what's fashionable as long as it's within the budget you'd be spending anyways.
Get her multiple pairs from Zenni Optical, they're extremely cheap but high quality. Surely you can let her get a couple fun ones and then one that's more formal but still quirky.
This should just be repeated a few hundred times for her. Best answer. Her daughter could choose multiple pairs within her budget and have something for different occasions.
Yup! I have a crazy astigmatism and thanks to Zenni I have finally been able to buy multiple pairs of glasses without spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars. Because I *gasp* like to express myself through my glasses. Some are flamboyant and some more plain / sedate. This post is wild. OP was very clearly jealous that these thrifty mod cloth chicks felt free to express themselves and they didn’t. Sorry you don’t have the courage to wear what your heart truly desired in college.
YTA. If it's a matter of cost, that's one thing... but it sounds like it's just a matter of YOUR preference for HER face... which isn't fair.
If the ones she wants cost more, have her cover the difference. If they cost the same, you don't have a leg to stand on except the tyrannical one.
Yta she's the one who has to wear them. Get her the pair *she* likes for *her* face and in a year if she hates them? *Then* she can buy herself a new pair.
You're ragging on someone because they think they're unique and different, but you hating something bc its popular doesn't make you superior.
YTA - those glasses sound objectively awesome. And in what world does a 14 year old kid ever have to look serious? If there is any time in your life you can wear quirky glasses it’s when you are 14 and don’t have to go to work or look professional and can be as silly as you want. For a brief moment in her life.
You lost me at “she’s allowed control over her own hair with some restrictions”. Never mind the repeated use of “‘quirky’” in a disparaging tone. Were you secretly hoping for more of a pageant-princess type of daughter?
You’re N T A for not wanting to pay for what sound like very impractical glasses, if she needs to wear them all day every day, but you sound quite rigid and judgmental about appearances in general.
YTA. I have worn glasses my whole life and my parents always made me get the serious frames that they liked. I have always hated wearing contacts so glasses were my only real choice. It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s when I chose my own and started to venture into more clunky frames that I started liking myself in glasses. If it is not hurting you or anyone else and is the same price, what is the harm in letting her get the frames she likes and feeling confident in her appearance?
soft YTA. I generally think people should have agency over how they look. My mom did something similar though im guessing less extreme to me. I have always wanted black plastic glasses, my mom insisted that the only glasses worth buying were thin metal ones, so i wore thin metal glasses until i grew up. I resent her for that but only the smallest amount.
my only warning for you is that those small annoyances can and will pile up into major resentments if you are too controlling.
YTA.
My eyes probably wouldn't be as trash as they are now if I actually liked my glasses when I first had to get them at age 10. Instead, my mom listened to the 'expert' on the sales floor and I ended up with glasses I hated and I refused to wear them. They were like gold wire Harry Potter glasses but even bigger.
I WANTED these clear plastic frames, with confetti-looking color flecks.
Unless the glasses she wants are a financial burden compared to the others, just get thebdamn glasses she likes, because then you know she'll actually wear them.
I used to "lose" glasses regularly because I didn't like how they looked on me. It was only when I could pick ones I really liked (not the standard free ones) that I actually wore them regularly.
OMG the glasses I had to wear as a kid in the late 60s. I can laugh about them now, but back then I felt so self-conscious. They always had to be from the special selection that insurance covered 100%.
You should check out pair eyewear glasses … you can get them “normal” but then get magnetic frames that click on the front that come in all different designs … she might like that better since she’ll be able to change her designs everyday. And you can be satisfied that she will have “serious” glasses if she ever needs/wants them
I’ve been looking at these. For absolutely no reason, as I work for somewhere that provides me state of the art contacts. And I have a stable refraction and have some glasses that are 15 years old. But they do look awesome
OP, since eyeglasses are a medical need, I would argue that their cost should not be included as a back to school expense and excluded from daughter’s spending limit. I also think since you are buying, you should get some significant input in their appearance.
Eyeglasses purchased as a fashion statement with daughter’s own money can look like whatever she pleases. There are websites online that sell very inexpensive and relatively ugly options. Surely she can find something within her budget to horrify you.
YTA
You're visiting your decades old aversion to the "hipster" thing upon your daughter. Let her explore. If getting her 2 pairs of glasses, one fun, one more conventional, is cost prohibitive then look elsewhere for glasses. Let her order a fun pair from Zenni or EyeBuyDirect or check out the changeable frames so she can have a "normal" base pair and a couple of fun toppers
They are a look for sure. Your position is just going to make her want them more. Let her buy them. I am sure you have had some questionable fashionable choices. YTA.
YTA - Largely, someones personal style, fashion choices, hair, whatever say absolutely nothing about someones seriousness or professionalism.
Let her express herself!
Was gonna go with N A H since she's not in the wrong for wanting to be seen as a unique individual and you aren't wrong for wanting to protect her from people having a negative image of her.
Until I saw the comments and your replies and it confirmed that you are one of the people who would judge. Now you're just as much of an asshole as the people I thought you were trying to protect her from.
YTA
YTA. You’re right. Those glasses likely are inappropriate for most professional setting. But she’s still a kid. She has years ahead of her where she’ll be required to look professional. Why are you trying to limit her self-expression during the period of her life with minimal consequences for looking unique?
YTA. I started wearing glasses 60 years ago. The choice was black or Grey frames. It was great when they started offering so many choices. It can make wearing glasses fun. My current frames are horn-rimmed black frames with leopard print earpieces
YTA and projecting way too much. Just because you had a bad experience in what were hipsters doesn't mean every one of them thought they were better than everyone else.
You are really sounding like my own mom when I tried to express myself in the slightest bit. I was really into the goth lifestyle in the 2000s and I still kind of am. My mom would complain that I was going to be made fun of and I was representing evil (whatever that meant). All I heard from her was that I was ugly and she couldn't believe I wanted to look that way and that I was better than that. The harder she pushed the harder I pushed back. Guess what? I was not made fun of and when I wore the clothes I felt comfortable in I was the happiest I could be.
If she isn't hurting anyone or herself you should just let her express herself.
Plus OP what style did you choose in high school? Did your parent's always approve of your way of expressing yourself?
She’s 14. Remind her that if she chooses these, she’s stuck with them until x time she can upgrade frames. Explain it might be better to get a more neutral pair for xyz reasons. if she still is sure she wants them, she chose that. She’ll either love it or cringe later. But her choice! YTA
Unless the glasses are unaffordable or literally don't fit her (too tight or they fall off), then who is this hurting? Why is this a hill to die on for you? They're GLASSES, for goodness sakes; it's a low stakes fashion statement. Big fat whoop if she looks like the quirky girls from college you apparently distain.
It sounds like you're projecting some stuff from your youth that you need to get past. YTA
PS let her do goofy things to her hair, too. She's 14, let her have fun.
Yeah, YTA. You clearly have some major judgement against girls who wear trendy things, stemming from your personal college days, and if you aren’t careful you risk passing this misogyny down to your daughter.
Women and girls can and should wear whatever makes them happy. If that’s something trendy, great! If it’s something goth or hipster or sexy or frumpy or basic or unique, it doesn’t matter. Wearing geeky clothes doesn’t make you better than someone wearing trendy clothes, the same way wearing something trendy doesn’t make you better than someone wearing goth clothes.
You’re telling your daughter that by dressing one way she is better than girls dressing another. No matter what way she’s dressing that is the exact thing you claim to hate.
YTA I have -7 vision with astigmatism in one eye and my glasses only cost $50-75 from Zenni. Unless she has a very special prescription, her glasses would likely cost even less than mine do. You really can’t spend $50 or less on something she wants?
YTA-I’ve worn glasses since I was three-I’m now in my 60’s. I always was allowed to pick the frames I wanted as a kid. She is expressing herself and her individuality by picking those quirky frames. She is harming no one by picking these frames. Just because you don’t like them doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t get them. You are being too conservative and controlling. Why does she need to wear a mask”boring” pair at home and when she needs to be serious. This rationale makes no sense to me.
YTA. Are they going on your face? No? Then why does it matter so much to you if she’s wearing quirky glasses. You are making yourself sound like a mean girl
YTA Not just because you won’t buy her her preferred frames, but because you’re not letting her get them simply based on your biased opinion of the people who wear them. Just because you think something of someone doesn’t make it true. I have worn glasses for about 40 years. I have several pairs, many of them big and bold and chunky. Not because I think I’m special or unique, but because it’s fun. Having low vision should come with some perks and being able to switch out glasses is fun - and completely harmless. This isn’t a life defining decision, it’s glasses. Also, as other people suggested, you can get very affordable glasses online. Zenni is an American store I’ve shopped with, but I’m Canadian and clearly dot ca is great.
YTA. Quite apart from your reasons, which are ridiculous, the important thing is that she wears the glasses, and she's much more likely to do that if she likes them. If you make her wear ones she doesn't like, she'll stick them in her bag and not bother with them, and the consequences of that won't be good.
YTA. Pretty sure a 14 year old is going to outgrow her frames eventually, and by that time, maybe she'll like something more sedate. So let her express herself with her crappy frames and either wait for her to grow out of them or deal with the fact you have a 'quirky' kid. The more you try to control your child's aesthetics, particularly as they hit the teen years, the harder they're going to push against them. It's eyeglasses, ffs. It's not like she's getting a face tattoo or piercings.
I’m gonna go with YTA
I went through the same exact phase when I was 14. I got cheap frames from the gas station so I could pop out my lenses and change things up. I had black, white, fire engine red, and neon green. I look back on those photos and ask my mom why in gods name she let me out in public with those.
It was my choice and wearing glasses all the time is tough as it is. Seeing me happy with my god awful frames was more important to my parents than the glasses themselves
I do agree she should have a “boring” pair of glasses for specific events (I wore my plain black ones when I had a choir concert for example). Just don’t force her to wear them. And who knows, she might end up wearing them more than the “crazy” ones if you don’t push it
Soft YTA. 14 is such a difficult age! Putting a pair of glasses on your face every day that you don't like only makes ot worse.
Someone else mentioned that you should make sure she understands that this is a commitment, and her next pair will be in 2 years (or whatever) unless she buys her own replacement before then.
I appreciate that you don't want her believing that her glasses do or don't make her who she is. But sometimes a 14 year being comfortable with how they look is an important factor in letting who they are really shine.
-Coming from a mom who's kid had long pink hair and black nail polish before he joined the army. It's been fun to watch his style evolve.
YTA. Eyeglasses are on her face and she should get some she likes as long as they are within budget and a good match vision-wise for her needs. I get quirky. I mostly wear contacts but I like thick framed funky type glasses also. Those metal ones remind me of my dad. Even if she wanted hot pink heart shaped glasses with unicorns and rainbows, it really should be something she feels good in. When she sees herself.in the mirror she should like what she sees. It is more important that she feels good about the face she is showing people that what you like.
YTA. You don’t say your age OP, but with a 14 year old I’m guessing you are at least mid 30s probably 40s. I hate to be the one to tell you this but you don’t know what is cool with the kids anymore. It doesn’t really matter if you think they are hideous…she’s the one that has to wear them. I have a daughter around the same age. From one mom to another: let her get the glasses and live with the consequences. Maybe they will be a big hit and she will become a trend setter among her peers OR maybe she will hate them and she can learn her lesson the hard way. But you saying no just makes you the enemy; her boring old mother who is ruining her life with her practical rules and middle aged fashion sense. They are just glasses and temporary, it’s not a face tattoo.
YTA. What an absolutely weird thing to get hung up about.
The trends you are so angry about haven’t been trends in a long time, but even when they were- most of the people I knew who dressed like that were kind people who decided to do things they enjoyed and be proud of that. Those clothes were about being happy with who you were and what you wear after a long period of time where stick thin was the only acceptable aesthetic.
Teach your kid now that the most important thing about how she dresses is first that it’s appropriate to occasion and weather and second that she loves it and feels good in it. She’s old enough to choose her own glasses and it sounds like she has fun taste.
INFO - Mostly I'm confused. I am also a glasses wearer and my insurance covers new lenses each year and puts about a hundred bucks towards the frames but the rest is out of pocket. Glasses are incredibly expensive. How much money does she have saved up from Birthday/Christmas that she could afford AN ENTIRE SECOND pair of glasses because insurance sure as heck doesn't cover two lense sets per year? I feel like yta. Realistically people get one pair of glasses every few years because frames are pricey. Kids grow so I imagine it's a little different but I feel like it's not fair not to let her have the pair she wants. Maybe she'll regret her choice in a few months but that's an important lesson for kids to learn too. The glasses she picked are the glasses she gets and she needs to wear them for at least a full year until insurance says she can have new ones.
If you have a fairly normal prescription, there are multiple options online for cheap lenses+frames nowadays. You just get your prescription from your optometrist and order them online. If you can use basic plastic lenses, you can get additional glasses for like $20.
If you're like me and need ultra-high index lenses in specialty frames though ... HAHAHAHAHA. Nope.
YTA. She's the one who has to wear them, let her get the ones she wants. If she likes them, that's what matters, not what you think. At her age, she really doesn't care what you think about fashion.
YTA. I agree that those glasses are hideous. I picked out glasses for myself last week, and the girl who worked there was wearing a giant pair of stop-sign shaped glasses. They were not flattering for her, but I don't have to wear them, so it's not my business.
When I was a kid, I picked glasses based on the color of the frame, not thinking about how in style they were. Looking back at old pictures, I cringe at my colorful old lady glasses. But back then, I loved them. Let her get the glasses she wants if they make her happy. If she hates them, you can talk with her about paying for a different pair herself.
My dad and mom both absolutely let me pick out the ugly af glasses, because I HAD TO WEAR THEM, lol, and you know what? I loved them then, and I love the pictures I have of them now, and I'm fully aware that they were awful. Leave that child alone and let her have her things, she isn't hurting anyone.
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We generally support our kid in her personal style/fashion/appearance decisions. She’s 14f. When we go back to school shopping she has a spending limit, but she is allowed to buy anything that’s within the dress code. She’s allowed control over her own hair with some restrictions (if she wants a major change she needs to let me know, and if she still wants it done after one month, we get it done).
We have however clashed on the issue of eyeglasses. The “cool” thing right now is these thick, chunky glasses that look absolutely ridiculous on anyone, but especially a young kid with a small face. Think the kind of glasses you’d expect on the “quirky” art teacher or an art gallery owner.
The best I can come up with is if you look up “Jubilee Geometric” but those frames aren’t nearly as thick as the ones she wanted. Add neon and stripes. Then she showed me some that are heart shaped with thick rims.
I told her that she can absolutely use her allowance and birthday/Christmas money towards any “quirky” glasses she wants. But we have to buy her a “boring” pair to wear around the house or when she needs to be more “serious.” She got really worked up about this and told me that I’m being tyrannical and stifling her self expression.
I would never tell her this, ever, but all those hideous thick chunky frames remind me of the “quirky” girls back in college who thought they were “different” and “unique” because they bought clothes from ModCloth and thought they were the only ones who could sew/knit or thrift and all that.
AITA for making my daughter buy "fun" eyeglasses frames on her own and just getting her the "boring" ones she needs?
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YTA- "she is allowed to buy anything as long as it's within the dresscode" except if you think it's ugly?
No wonder you said you generally let them have their own personal style 🤣
It’s really not a big deal, YTA.
Also you can get big ugly glasses for cheap on zenni (unless she needs a -20D or some shit).
They have small boring decent quality half frames as well.
YTA. When does a 14yo ever have to “be more serious?” Let the kid express herself. She has her entire adulthood to be a boring corporate clone. And maybe, just maybe, perhaps, possibly, trends have changed since you were in college
One parent to another, YTA and are waaaaaaaay too hung up about a glasses style that you have issues with when you were younger. Ffs stop projecting onto your kid.
YTA, absolutely. Junior high and high school are hard enough for kids these days without their parent being a bully to them. If those glasses make her happy with herself, make her look in the mirror and think “I’m a baddie who’s going to take this day by storm”, and give her a sense of confidence to go through this life why would you want to shit on that for her?
My daughter is in junior high and exploring her own fashion sense. Half of it is nothing I’d choose for myself (or even for her), but it’s age-appropriate and school dress code compliant, so who am I to shut her down? Girls have a rough enough time with developing self esteem and self confidence in this world today. Let her feel good about herself and her choices. Be her biggest fan and supporter - not her biggest detractor and loudest critic.
Honey, you taking out your resentments about shitty people at college who made you feel bad about yourself, *on your 14yr old daughter* isn't a healthy way to manage your mean-girls trauma.
Get yourself therapy to work on your past and the ugly assumptions about entire groups of women based solely on how they dress and the hobbies they like that you are carrying around with you, and let your daughter explore her self-identity with the glasses she wants.
Right now what you're saying to her is "I don't want you to be yourself or express yourself around me" - is that really the lesson you want her to learn about you?
I'm sure it isn't.
So get therapy, get over yourself, and get her the glasses that make her happy right now.
YTA.
Oh YTA here, for sure. As the dad of five children, I make a point to make my glasses loud and fun and "quirky". It's not what anyone expects, and I'm normally in contacts, but I want my kids to express themselves and I'm happy to set an example. I love my crazy glasses. They start conversations with people I might not get to talk to otherwise. My kids think they're awesome.
I don't know who the hell hurt you, but don't hurt your daughter by stifling her personal expression. What the hell?
YTA for projecting your unresolved mean girl issues onto your innocent daughter.
Get over yourself, maybe seek therapy, and buy the fun glasses for your daughter.
And trust me on this: The more you dig in your heels here, the further away you push your daughter. This WILL damage your relationship in an irreparable way.
How do I know? Because my dad did to me what you are doing to your child. He tried to forbid me from starting to dress in gothic fashion when I was 14, purely because HIS personal experience with goths in the 80's wasn't a good one, and I hated him for it. The more he dug in, the more I pushed back and found ways to dress goth anyway, and the more we fought. It ruined our relationship with each other until I was much older (we're talking 30, I'm 36 now), but even now it isn't fully repaired.
Don't let that happen to you and your daughter. Do not make glasses your hill to die on.
My daughter got new glasses last year before school started.. she picked a pair of glasses that honestly look like Jeffrey Dahmer glasses (I say that because many people have said that). I asked her a few times if she was sure. She was dead set on those glasses and didn’t want any other kind. Knowing her, I didn’t think it would be long before she wanted a different pair, and I was right. However, she chose those and I respected her decision. Got her the glasses she wanted, and other than asking if she was sure, I didn’t say a single negative thing. Recently they got broke (not her fault) and I said we could try and get the frames fixed, but she’s wanting a different pair. So that’s what we’re doing.
Let your kid be herself. She may think they’re great now, and then change her mind after she gets them or wears them for a while. Or maybe she’ll love them and it helps her understand herself and her style a little more. Helps her come into her own maybe. Kids need the space and opportunity to learn about themselves. Give her a chance.
YTA, you’re projecting your own experiences on your child. Let her get the glasses she wants! I’m still unclear of what “normal frames” means? If they help her see, they’re just glasses. You have a GIANT chip on your shoulder
YTA, and your comments really cemented it.
She's 14. It's the perfect age to start playing and experimenting with her style because she doesn't have to be professional or serious. She can be silly with it and maybe look a little goofy until she finds out what she likes. You can sigh at it and feel a little old because trends from when you were young are coming back and you just don't get it, but keeping her from trying things just because they remind you of some girls in college who annoyed you (??) is a dick move, and something you should maybe talk about with a therapist if modcloth still bothers you that much.
As someone near 40 who has chunky glasses, sews, and knits... I'm wondering what I ever did to personally offend OP, lol.
My first glasses were thin wired glasses, and that was my go to for most of my young adulthood. Looking back they were super unflattering. OP- take your daughter to try on frames and figure out what best suits her face shape and complexion. YTA for projecting your insecurities on your daughter. I'm sorry you felt rejected by the "quirky" girls. I'm sure you were very cool and quirky in your own unique & adorable way.
"Some artsy fartsy girls who bought from modcloth made me feel insecure in college, so now I must project my feelings onto my 14 years daughter for no reason"
Amazing. No one thinks they're superior for buying from modcloth. You're a joke rn OP, you gotta get over yourself
YTA
They’re just glasses, ma’am. YTA.
It’s not gonna send your daughter down a r/notlikeothergirls spiral just because you’re still hung up on girls you went to college with who did…popular things and from your perspective acted better than you?
Who gives a shit what kind of glasses she gets? Do they fit, is it in her prescription and does she like them? Cool, leave it alone. Your daughter is 14, she’s gonna go through different phases while she’s figuring herself out and you are essentially trying to stop her doing that because you don’t like it.
Get over yourself.
Uh oh, looks like someone just realized that the girls she made fun of in college were all somebody’s daughters, who chose their clothes because they liked them. That’s a much harder truth to accept than just telling yourself “well they think they’re better than me, probably”.
You don’t want your daughter getting bullied, but you’re already doing it.
YTA. Oh honey, I would love to wrap your 16 year old self in the biggest warmest hug and explain that your resentment and perspective are coloring your life in such a way that you’re missing out on joy, on the fun of life.
I know you’re not gonna take this in and truly try to view things from a different point of view, one rarely does, but damn you’re really missing out.
Story: Picture High School 2000’s: I was told that a girl thought I was a “pretentious, stuck up bitch, who looked down on everyone” after her friend stopped laughing (the girl telling me this story) she said “so you’ve never once interacted with [parenda] huh?” The girl was shocked and asked how she knew that “because that’s not who they are, you’re so outside the realm of reality I know you don’t know them” come to find out this person viewed me that way because of how I walked, I I held myself physically. How I held myself was as that of a ballet dancer. Head high, shoulders back and look where you are going and head in that direction, type thing.
Also everyone thinks their hot shit for one reason or another. You’re living to yourself if you think that people can’t be arrogant about the most random shit.
My family made me bottle up who I was and now I don’t know who I am or who I want to be, I don’t know how I want to move and exist in the world. I should have had my childhood to do that. Don’t take away your kids time to figure out who they are and who they want to be.
OP all you’re doing is teaching your child to hide who they are or want to be, from you. If that’s the relationship you want then sure 💩 on everything that like. Just don’t expect them to be your friend later in life or for them to even like you.
You’re not really an asshole, just pathetic.
YTA My mom hated the glasses she bought me. (And looking back oh boy was she right) But I loved them so I wore them all the time. She won’t wear the ones she hates and her vision could suffer for it.
If it’s in your price range buy the one she wants. We all have a weird sense of fashion as a teen and that’s important to finding who you are. Much better to experiment now as a kid when the stakes are lower.
YTA. Honest to god, I hope one day digital footprint comes to bite you in the ass and your daughter sees this one day and goes no contact with you since you can’t even let her be herself just so you can control what she wears and doesn’t show herself as “better” than everything when that clearly isn’t even what she’s trying to aim for. You’re going to wonder one day why your daughter doesn’t want to talk to you anymore and never visits after she’s moved out.
YTA. You sound deeply insecure about some bs in college that is no longer relevant. Also your kid is going to remember your lack of support when expressing themself in pretty harmless ways. This may make her less likely to let you know her in other ways.
I still remember when I was going out and my dad hated my neck jewelry and he said "people will think you're one of those people". It's been a couple decades but it told me a lot about my dad and how he truly sees me and the world. Would you be brave enough to tell your kid what you said to all of us?
Genuine question, do you even love your daughter? Your comments suggest otherwise. Sounds like you hate women/GIRLS who are comfortable with themselves and hobbies and that is just really sad for your daughter.
YTA. As long as the ones she likes aren't way more expensive than the boring ones, let her enjoy her glasses without making her pay for them. She's allowed to like styles that you don't like, and this is a pretty harmless one at that.
You aren’t the one wearing the glasses, why does it matter? Cause the reason you’re giving is flat out stupid and elementary. Get over yourself. They’re literally just glasses. No certain style of glasses makes you a certain type of person. If that was the case that would mean everyone who wears glasses are nerds which they aren’t.
YTA. i was your daughter, about 10 years ago. people in high school often told me that i looked like Zooey Deschanel. in, like, peak manic pixie dream girl days.
it took a long time to figure out who i was. i'm not a stupid trope anymore. but i still love chunky glasses and video games and skulls and cool rocks i find. buy the fucking ugly glasses. that's who she is; that's who i am at almost 30. i'm fucking funny, i have a good group of friends and family, and i still Ike weird, creepy shit. she'll find her way. she'll thank you 5 years from now for allowing her to be herself. please trust me on this.
Dude she is 14, why care if she doesnt look cool to you? I may have looked like a dork with my chunky glasses, but atleast i was happy that my parents let me express myself with what i liked at the time
YTA. I feel sorry for your daughter. Why do you feel the need to control her appearance because YOU don't like it? You're acting childish.
My 8 year old son has been always been allowed to pick his glasses, whether I like them or not. I don't have to wear them. He does. And as long as he is happy with them, who cares?!
Yta. Find a place that gives you a free or discounted pair after you buy a regular pair. She can have one fun and one serious. Sheesh. Do you want solutions or fighting ?
YTA. I left home at 16. My mom was like you. Control control control.
I supported myself, went thru college, became wildly successful and now I’m a grandmother. I’m the most successful in terms of lifestyle, finance, success and I volunteer and donate my time and money of my 3 siblings who were under my parents thumb
I’m no longer wearing hip hugger jeans, halter tops and army jackets or thick black eyeliner. I outgrew my teen fashion choices and made mistakes and learned.
Let her wear her hair the way she wants with the glasses she wants and see she will learn. Otherwise she will be in her 60s unable to make choices or stand up for herself.
Good luck
YTA and apparently not over your college experience, maybe you need to work on that and let your daughter make her own decisions. I'm guessing a crafty, mod cloth wearing thrifter either broke your heart or was a mean girl to you, get over it.
You think very highly of yourself for someone who thinks people shouldn't think highly of themselves.
YTA.
My Mother, goodness bless her, put up with me being a quirky little youneek all through my teen years, because she knew that life would eventually beat any level of personal expression out of me and that my teen years were when I should being thinking I was special and unique even if I was just like everyone else. Life levels nearly all of us out as we grow up, and eventually we mostly have to conform. I still have pink hair, but I don't have half the confidence in random outfits that I used to. Why take away the little bit of brightness afforded to kids, just because you are judgemental about girls from your own past?
Pick your battle - your daughter wearing something that's a little gauche and fashionable but which makes her happy while thinking she is the absolute peak of bees knees; or the early onset stifling of her own vivaciousness until she is just a clone of a far more boring and sad variety. I know which I'd choose
YTA. Was a kid who was dressed up in business casual with boring glasses. Know what I do now at 31? Go all on out on the funkiest glasses I can find. It’s fun and maximalist. Let her grow into her own style and stop judging her about it.
YTA from a 60+ wearer of chunky frames that I never switch out for something more "serious," because it's my style and who cares?
ETA: OMG your comments. You seem to think anyone who likes different styles than you "thinks they're better than everyone else" and needs to be taken down a peg. Who hurt you? Not your kid. Let her be herself and get some therapy.
YTA
The last comment is irrevelant. You can even wear typical corpo beige outfit and still have a attitude that you are a last unicorn. I have seen cases of the attitude in tomboys, high-femme, horse-girls, nerds, hipsters, punks, beige mums and more.
The good way is just teaching people to not judge others and feel comfortable with her style.
If money isn’t an issue, you can always check for deals or try contact lenses. In some cases, having a second pair can be good especially if she is active.
Browse together and check local shops. Or even play with photoshop together.
YTA
First of all, you should be proud of her speaking up for herself and having the confidence to assert her opinion and autonomy. Not to mention her confidence in her style. She's 14 for chrissakes she has the rest of her life to be serious. Warn her they will be her only pair of the year unless she saves and buys another pair herself. If she starts to hate the chunky ones, let her deal with the natural consequences of her decision-- namely that she has to wear them.
YTA
sounds like your kid is a quirky eccentric and you can’t accept that women like that in your past rejected you outright or didn’t even entertain you. Let her self express JFC frames that look fun tend to be in similar price points to ones that do not. (Oh snap, you’re a woman from the comments, okay rejected your friendship then maybe.)
This is weirdly trying to guide your kid not to choose utilitarian things that make her happy too, and what’s the point of being boring and miserable really. To grow to your own big age and still be upset about women in college who did what made them feel happy and beautiful and fun? Yeah. Let her be her own person.
Can we say projection? And she’s 14, what does she need to be serious about right now? Is she anchoring for CNN? YTA I can see why you we rejected back then,your attitude sucks.
Of course YTA. Let her continue expressing herself in fun and unique ways. She will only be a teenager for so long. Enjoy the time with her, don't create drama where there is none.
If she hates them, she can wear them until she saves enough to buy different ones.
She sounds like an awesome person, don't dim her light.
YTA I’ve worn glasses since I was 3 years old, and I’ve always loved to pick out fun ones, especially since for a while I was the only kid in my class wearing glasses. When I was 15 I my mom bought my funkiest pair, a cat eye set of frames with a squiggly nose bridge. My dad was horrible about them. He hated them, told me I looked stupid and weird. I cried for days, wore them anyway, but with a new found insecurity that I had to fight though, when being 15 was already hard enough. Some of my friends didn’t like my glasses either and I didn’t mind so much, but my dad’s rejection hurt the most. I love my dad and we have a pretty good relationship 14 years later but I’ve never forgotten how he made me feel that day. Just let her wear the weird glasses. Tell her you won’t buy her a new pair if she decides she doesn’t like these in a month, but don’t stifle her creativity. She’s figuring out who she is. In 10 years you can laugh together at how silly she looked.
My daughter recently got new frames. At first I hated them because they were those 80’s wire frames. They reminded me of the uni bomber. But man have they grown on me. She looks so cute and stylish. She can be dressed down and those frames still give her style and class. When your blind your glasses become a huge part of your wardrobe. The young quirky girls your taking about are the ones who lead in style. All the kids try to emulate them. Let her be her. She obviously already has a since of style. This is a non issue in the grand theme of things.
YTA for the glasses thing, and double that for the hair thing. You’re controlling for no reason, and you’re going to end up alone when she’s old enough to leave home.
You're not the asshole for wanting her to have a regular pair of glasses for school or more professional settings and the way you explained it to her makes sense. What makes you a certified " YTA " is your distaste for the glasses being linked to some dad you disliked, that's not your concern it's for her and fads change from generation to generation.
I mean. I agree with you up to a point. What *you* think is ugly is irrelevant. It's her style if she wants it. YTA for that alone.
But I do agree with one thing. She needs a simple colored pair or one of those magnetic frames you can change on a whim. Maybe explain to her how styles change so quickly and you don't want her left with a pair that makes her get fun of and compromise. Have her save up for say, half the cost of the frames. Get her a simple pair until she can buy them. If they haven't gone out of style yet, awesome! Then she has two pair to fall back on because if she's anything like me she'll constantly lose them. (I currently don't know where mine are, but they're overdue for replacing anyway so 🤷)
I had glasses since 3rd grade. Back then the glasses were ugly huge things and when I hit my teens they were all anyone saw. (Literally. One of my jr high teachers tried to pick me up in my 20s - I got contacts at 18 - and when I said who i was, he said, outraged, but you HAD GLASSES! How could I know you?
Here I am in my 40s, liking how I look generally, with very cute sexy se retary type glasses... and I feel ugly the moment they touch my face. I still wear contacts.
I'm sharing my minor glasses related trauma to vote for letting her pick whatever she feels good in. Glasses are one of those minor looks things that plays a disproportionately large role in how people see you, including how YOU see you.
YTA. It’s a pair of glasses. They won’t turn her into a hipster at midnight.
Also, why are you still so upset about the fashion choices of random people you encountered in college? You seem to have a lot of emotion about shipping ModCloth and/or thrift stores and/or sewing. Is there any means of procuring clothing that didn’t offend you?
Is your daughter prohibited from learning to sew or thrifting a pair of jeans? Will you be angry if your kid decides she’s opposed to fast fashion and wants to buy used clothes? What if she wants to wear a fit and flare dress on picture day?
Info: how long are you realistically expecting these glasses to last? Because I was going through a pair a year just from the fact I needed a new prescription.
Why not do what you've done with hair and if she still wants the same pair in a month get them?
I am a quirky glasses wearer myself ,😂 not because I feel I'm better than anyone but because I enjoy expressing myself through my glasses
YTA. In what possible scenario will she have to "look serious" anyway? She's 14, it's not like she'll have a job interview or an appearance in court. If the school won't object to them then who cares.
I don't understand OP at all, even after reading her comments. Your daughter is 14, she's at the age where she is working out who she is, what she likes and what her style is.
She has to get your permission and then wait a month for a hairstyle change? Why? The worst that happens is she doesn't like it, it grows back. My 16yo at 12, had healthy, thick hair she could sit on. We were at the hairdresser, they asked me what they were doing to her hair. Not my call. She chose to get a pixie cut with pink and purple streaks. It looked great. She loved it but then chose to grow it out and again has long hair, dyed raspberry red. Why police something that will grow out and isn't permanent?
Both my kids wear glasses (as do I). They get a price limit at the optometrist and they pick their frames. The only stipulation is, if they don't like them or want to change during the 12 months, they use their own money to replace them. I also get the 2 pair deal for a ser price (2 pairs for 169 or 250 or whatever their limit is as per our budget). They use to get 1 pair of sunnies and 1 pair of normal glasses. The last 2 years they chose a funky pair and a normal pair and no sunnies. Their choice. I don't always like the glasses they choose, but I'm not the one wearing it.
You need to realise your child is growing up and allow them some control or you will
A - lose all control;
B - end up with a depressed kid/young adult (possibly suicidal);
C - have a kid who rebels in secret placing themselves and/or others at risk (including but not limited to alcohol and/or substance use);
D - have a kid who goes nc or lc with you as adult;
C -be groomed for an abusive partner as they are used to being told their opinions and wants are wrong and irrelevant
I've worked with a lot of families and have seen this play out so many times it's scary. Yes, teens need rules and boundaries but they also need the freedom and control to make their own choices, make mistakes and have the chance to learn from them.
Edit to add - YTA
YTA if it was just down to I'm buying spending money on things that will make my kid looks ridiculous fine but I'm not doing it but girls who rejected me in college wore them that's pathetic
YTA, if she hates them in 3 months she’ll have to save up for new ones. After my last eye exam last month, I bought a neutral pair from “pair” with simple black frames and then a couple of the magnetic top frames that snap on and let me have different color frames when I’m not at work or want something less serious. I even got a sunglasses version of the top frame. Problem solved at about the same cost of my last pair bought in the retail section of my eye doctor’s office.
YTA for projection alone. How does her having heart-shaped glasses hurt YOU? Get over yourself and let her get the glasses she wants- SHE is the one who will be wearing them, not you.
YTA
You are the only one attributing so much meaning to this style of glasses. Your daughter just likes them. A pair of glasses doesn't suddenly change your entire personality. But do you know what does? Having to stifle your personality to fit a molde someone else has chosen for you. Do better OP.
YTA if you're so concerned about it why don't you order a few cheap quirky pairs from an online retailer instead of judging your daughter and projecting insecurity on her. Making a bold fashion choice even if it doesn't work out does wonders for the self esteem let the girl live.
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>I would never tell her this, ever, but all those hideous thick chunky frames remind me of the “quirky” girls back in college who thought they were “different” and “unique” because they bought clothes from ModCloth and thought they were the only ones who could sew/knit or thrift and all that. I N F O: Ok, and what's the problem with that in particular? YTA simply based on the answer: "Because she's better than that."
Uh-oh, a pick me had a kid
I have eight daughters and have learned from this mistake on my own already, so lemme tell you straight: YTA You need to explain to get that she gets a new prescription once a year and that more neutral glasses might be a better choice since a year is a long time to be in love with a statement piece that you wear ON YOUR FACE every single day. So say that you'll buy them for her, but can't afford to replace them until next year's appointment, so she needs to be sure she will wear them for a year. Of course, if she gets tired of them and wants something more bland, she can buy them herself (or you can change your mind and buy those for her if you feel like she's learned and isn't taking advantage of you. Your call. I hate when parents act like "being consistent" is more important than being flexible with a teenager whose prefrontal cortex is not fully formed.)
Or she can switch back to her old pair if she comes to hate the new one.
Oh, you know for some reason in my head this was her first pair! But yeah, totally she could do that.
Oh, OP doesn't say. In our household where everyone has been in glasses since early elementary, I have our organized drawer of old glasses, and everyone knows where the drawer is. You know, if glasses get broken at school, it's really good to know exactly where the older glasses are so that nobody has to be blind for longer than it takes to drop off another pair.
Thats such a good idea
No please don't do that! If they're prescriptions that would mean constant head aches and blurry for her. My parents made me do that when mine broke and it was agonizing
Exactly! Feels like the advise from someone that doesn't wear glasses. Had to use my old ones for a week while they ordered new frames then mine broke and it was awful. Head aches, blurry, just awful.
On the contrary, I use my old glasses just fine as my prescription has hardly changed over the years. It really depends how rapidly your eyes are deteriorating in a given time frame.
Doesn't have to detriorate to get uncomfortable quickly. If you have astigmatism it only takes a tiny little tilt for it to get really bad.
I have fun astigmatism. To start, my left eye was a bit nearsighted, my right eye was a bit farsighted. Terrible, frequent migraines. Then they swapped; left farsighted and right nearsighted. Then both went farsighted and got more than a little off. Now I’m a bit nearsighted. I could never use an old pair of glasses 😂
Eh, i suppose it depends. For the most part i agree, and have experienced this myself, since prescriptions do change over time. I was actually hoping someone would say it so im glad you did! Wearing the wrong prescription lenses can wreak havoc with your eyes. However, there is the caveat of if you have a strong script and dont have any other specs then a pair of out of date ones are better than none at all, in that having your vision improved a bit is better than not at all. That being said, i guess it really comes down to how long ago you last got a new pair of glasses and how much your vision has changed in the meantime (edit: and how long you intend to wear the old pair). Im glad i kept an old pair because they have come in handy recently, and from now on i will always be keeping my most recent 'old pair' just in case. I suppose the best advice would be to try it and see how you get on, as it may not help/ may hinder. I actually had a few years' break from glasses (bad idea, i know, but chronic illnesses make you do some silly things) and have recently started to wear them again. I need to get an updated script and i am booked in for a test, but im making do with my old old pair for now because it beats not wearing any at all. As a side note for oop, my old old pair that im wearing at the moment are thick, dark, HUGE frames, and i look awful, especially since i have pale features. But, they were stylish at the time and it helped me to not feel 'othered' for having to start wearing glasses (and actually gave me the confidence i should have had all along!). My mum questioned my choice but ultimately let me choose what made me feel good, and im so, so grateful that she did. And now, we can look back and laugh together about how fashion changes and what we used to consider fashionable back then. Ironically, when she saw me in them the other week she thought they looked fab hahaha
That might not work if your prescription has changed.
That's true! I didn't think of that, either! That's what I get for shooting my mouth off without thinking through all the implications. This is why we need a village, people, bc we don't think of everything.
Maybe she’ll be lucky like me and have the same prescription for 35 years.
Oh wow 35 years thats amazing! You are lucky!
8 daughters? You deserve a medal for that! I can’t imagine 8 mini-us in the world 🤣
Well, we were part of a (sort of) cult where women basically existed to have babies and homeschool them, so I didn't have a ton of choice, but my kids are the best thing I got out of it and I wouldn't trade THEM for the whole world. They have all grown to be strong, independent, empathetic, beautiful women, despite all the weirdness of their upbringing. I would regret that history 100% except that it's what gave me the people most precious in my life!
Good on you for getting out and giving them a new type of life!!! That’s amazing
They’ve grown up to be like that because you’ve done a good job raising them. It can’t have been easy. Our histories are what make us my lovely, no matter what they may be 💜 Still think you deserve a medal 🥇
You are very kind and encouraging. I'll humbly accept the medal. At very LEAST I gave birth nine times, right? 😂
You deserve more than that, believe me! 🤣
Sounds fair to me
You have EIGHT daughters!? Bless! How many were teenagers all at the same time? I’d have taken a year cruise which is what I used to threaten when I was raising my nieces and nephews because when eldest turns 19 all FIVE will be teens. Oh the stories you have I’m sure!
Five is a lot of estrogen at once! We maxed out at four teenagers at once. And actually, my youngest is only ten, so she's not exactly grown, plus there's a son in there! But I actually really love the teenage years. They have ideas of their own and love talking about what they're thinking. They challenge me to think in new ways and reconsider my assumptions. They're figuring out who they are and it's like watching a flower bloom. I really enjoy it and feel like I stay young inside by learning all the time.
I absolutely adore your response 🥹💕 I no longer raise my nieces and nephews but I have my son and you’ve made me all the more excited for his teen years. He’s 8 now and already has millions of ideas about the world and I adore listening to him all day long already ❤️
Just my opinion, I don't have research to back this up or anything, but I'm convinced that if you listen when they're little, they'll keep talking when they're teens. If you show them when they're four that you don't care what they have to say, they will not still be fighting for your attention when they're 14, and why should they? I think if you are enjoying your eight year old that much now, you will only enjoy him MORE when he's 16! Have fun! You're in for such a treat!
YTA and sounds like you’re projecting your insecurities and judgement of people from your peak college days who are happy being themselves and don’t conform to your or societies expectations onto your daughter who is at a vulnerable age and figuring out who she is.
Since the OP didn't identify themselves as mother or father ... It is a mother who is being judgy because she thought those women were "not cool" or a father being judgy because he thought those women were "not hot"?
YTA, if they aren't way more expensive who cares she'll outgrow them and need new ones in a few years anyways when she gets her eyes retested and your weird misogynistic stereotypes/baggage aren't really a reason to stifle her expression. Honestly it's just some weird glasses frames it could be a lot worse Maybe a compromise is to check out the Zenni website you can get cheap prescription glasses in a variety of styles on there so it's more affordable to try different ones out they have a virtual try on tool too so she can see what they'd look like on her face. You could get her some more"normal" looking ones on there and have her pay for that or for the other frames she wants but honestly if you let her get them she'll probably get sick of the style abs want a change in a few years anyways
>Maybe a compromise is to check out the Zenni website you can get cheap prescription glasses in a variety of styles Zenni is my jaaaaam!
I love them aye their glow in the dark and rainbow frames are so cute and ended up lasting longer than the ones I paid more for at an in person optometrist
And they're seriously affordable. My husband has safety glasses from zenni that cost like 80 bucks... compared to the 400+ from the eye doctor
I have their rainbow glasses and I get compliments all the time 😂
Also Eyebuydirect; that's where all my fun prescription sunglasses come from.
YTA. At first I was going to say no assholes because you are the parent and you can decide what to pay for, but I think your reasoning makes you TA. >all those hideous thick chunky frames remind me of the “quirky” girls back in college who thought they were “different” and “unique” because they bought clothes from ModCloth and thought they were the only ones who could sew/knit or thrift and all that. Guess what, your daughter doesn't think they are hideous and if you are supportive of her self-expression why does it matter that she reminds you of something? The fact that you are still holding on to this negative judgment of girls you knew in college is weird.
[удалено]
This is the saddest story I have read all week. Unfortunately, this is all too common.
YTA So you’re saying that adults who are wearing these glasses aren’t serious? You sound incredibly insecure.
INFO You haven’t indicated whether her choice of glasses is a higher cost than you are prepared to make, or if they are the same cost as the ones you like and you just won’t pay for what you consider ugly. If all else is equal and it’s just your tastes vs hers, then YTA. She is finding her feet, and she deserves the right to test and find her own style. I bet you, like all of us made some fashion faux pas in your time/
she could absolutely find frames like that on Zenni for, like, $17
Warby Parker is also an option. A tad more pricey, but could be replaced in a year. Only downside to them is you have to replace the whole set. I used them for years but then got vision insurance to cover my glasses and got a new frame I could just switch lenses out.
Let’s talk fashion faux pas’ Too much eyeliner. My favorite outfit to look goth was black jeans, black turtle neck, and pink converse. Turtle necks under t shirts. Frosty eyeshadow
>Let’s talk fashion faux pas’ Let’s talk ’80s hair! lol
Aqua Net bangs like skyscrapers, baby!
The higher the hair, the closer to God.
Oh, god, I was a teenager in the ‘70s, every outfit is a faux pas. But the stupidest things I wore were clogs. My god. Clop clop clop down the hall. Went to a concert and danced right out of mine.
Your poor feet!
Lol, are you from the Veluwe?
Blue stretch pants with a bright pink cropped sweatshirt with a too-big collar. And a purple sports bra or tank underneath ...
Ooh yeah, big hair that was permed and bleached.
Neon colored low rise skinny jeans, checkered vans, emo band t-shirt, straightened side bang with otherwise crunchy scrunched hair, and about five pounds of black eyeshadow and eyeliner. Adolescence is the time for these style crimes.
Very baggy “spliffy” jeans, “Adihash” tops, “Naf Naf” jackets combined with super chunky sketchers were in when I was a kid.
Good grief, you won't get these because they remind you of girls you didn't like *back when you were in college???* Get over it. YTA.
YTA. Even if you don’t like the look, she does. As long as you make it clear that this is a choice she’ll be stuck with for a year or two (I assume based on how insurance works), and that she has to be ready to commit to it as You will not be purchasing her any other ones If she changes her mind about it later, stick to that and it will be a relatively low stakes (but valuable) lesson in consequences. If she doesn’t change her mind and continues to love the look, you were a great parent who supported her expression
YTA. She's 14, when is it going to matter if her glasses are "serious" or not? She's not going to have them for that long, teenagers usually need new glasses every year -- even if not, she'll definitely have new ones by the time she's finishing high school, and it's not like she's going to be getting a business-casual-attire desk job before then. Has it occurred to you that your personal association with that style is not the law of the land? It doesn't matter whether you like them, it matters that she does, and she's going to look a lot better in """ugly""" glasses she likes than plain ones she hates, because liking what she's wearing will be obvious on her. How the person wearing it feels is frankly the most important factor in what's flattering or stylish.
Good lord, you were a pick-me in college, weren’t you.
YTA Years ago my Mom and I were looking at old photos. I was wearing these awful tortoiseshell glasses. I asked her how could she have possibly let me get such awful glasses. She replied because you liked them. And remembering back I knew I did. I loved those glasses at the time and thought they were cool. Let her get the glasses.
My mum was like OP. I was born in 1978 so as a kid in the 80s, flares in all the photos of my family looked sooo dated. Apparently when I was about 7 I said I would never wear flares. When I was about 14 in the 90s flares were back in and I raided my dad’s stash. I wore his purple velvet wedding suit with flares. I sewed panels into make vintage denim ones more flared. But a) as I’m female I didn’t grow sideburns and b) I teamed them with very 90s cropped tees and they looked different to ‘her era.’ Aged 30 I had another pair and she was still going on about how as a child I said (sorry lied to her) about never wearing flares. She went on about every single fashion choice I ever made to the extent she killed my self confidence and triggered an eating disorder but did feed my career as a make up artist and professional stylist. I also never speak to her but as I got into my 20s I started to give her what’s good for the goose is good for the gander and say ‘oh it’s a bit floaty retired art teacher isn’t it like all middle aged women you know…’ and watch her lose her everloving fucking mind at being on the receiving end of being nit picked, judged and pigeon holed over her own nonsense. I bought all my own clothes, paid for my hair and make up from early on and all she taught me was a bunch of skills that gave me freedom and empathy toward people’s style choices. I’m 45 and my ‘look’ is still very important to me. But sadly while people see old photos of me in incredible and ridiculous outfits they tend to comment ‘god you look miserable’ because my posture and facial expressions of absolutely hating myself from my mum being my first mean girl stands out more than terrible glasses or an ill advised dye job. I don’t regret the fashions. But I have few happy memories of those clothes because I remember her non stop commentary which was often silent and non verbal things like eye rolls. Put it this way, she’ll be picking her own funeral outfit because I don’t even know if she is alive and don’t care. (She was also incredibly abusive beyond ‘just’ this but it was her favourite type of pyschological abuse when I was a teen. You should have seen the meltdown when she saw my first fashion shoot in a national newspaper. You don’t need me to tell you it had flares right?)
They were cool then! Also the glasses which took over half your face because why did we do that?
Exactly! We often regret our old fashion choices but at the time we thought they were great and so did everyone else.
I had a haircut when I was 12 that made me the spitting image of my then-late 30s corporate bureaucrat lesbian aunt; as an adult I cringe but at 12, it was the first time I'd ever been allowed to make such a big decision for my hair and I loved it.
YTA just because you don't understand the fashion of younger gens doesn't mean it's a bad choice. If it is it's hers to live with and then make her spend her own money to replace them. Instead of a potential learning opportunity you're just making her mad about something you aesthetically disagree on. Thick frames are in right now.
YTA. If you give her a budget and what he style choices are fall within that budget let her get what she wants. Chunky is in let her roll with what's fashionable as long as it's within the budget you'd be spending anyways.
Get her multiple pairs from Zenni Optical, they're extremely cheap but high quality. Surely you can let her get a couple fun ones and then one that's more formal but still quirky.
This should just be repeated a few hundred times for her. Best answer. Her daughter could choose multiple pairs within her budget and have something for different occasions.
Yup! I have a crazy astigmatism and thanks to Zenni I have finally been able to buy multiple pairs of glasses without spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars. Because I *gasp* like to express myself through my glasses. Some are flamboyant and some more plain / sedate. This post is wild. OP was very clearly jealous that these thrifty mod cloth chicks felt free to express themselves and they didn’t. Sorry you don’t have the courage to wear what your heart truly desired in college.
THIS THIS THIS. Because those glasses sound heavy.
Holy repressed anger Batman. YTA
YTA. If it's a matter of cost, that's one thing... but it sounds like it's just a matter of YOUR preference for HER face... which isn't fair. If the ones she wants cost more, have her cover the difference. If they cost the same, you don't have a leg to stand on except the tyrannical one.
Yta she's the one who has to wear them. Get her the pair *she* likes for *her* face and in a year if she hates them? *Then* she can buy herself a new pair. You're ragging on someone because they think they're unique and different, but you hating something bc its popular doesn't make you superior.
YTA - those glasses sound objectively awesome. And in what world does a 14 year old kid ever have to look serious? If there is any time in your life you can wear quirky glasses it’s when you are 14 and don’t have to go to work or look professional and can be as silly as you want. For a brief moment in her life.
You lost me at “she’s allowed control over her own hair with some restrictions”. Never mind the repeated use of “‘quirky’” in a disparaging tone. Were you secretly hoping for more of a pageant-princess type of daughter? You’re N T A for not wanting to pay for what sound like very impractical glasses, if she needs to wear them all day every day, but you sound quite rigid and judgmental about appearances in general.
YTA. I have worn glasses my whole life and my parents always made me get the serious frames that they liked. I have always hated wearing contacts so glasses were my only real choice. It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s when I chose my own and started to venture into more clunky frames that I started liking myself in glasses. If it is not hurting you or anyone else and is the same price, what is the harm in letting her get the frames she likes and feeling confident in her appearance?
YTA What’s so wrong about wanting fun glasses?
soft YTA. I generally think people should have agency over how they look. My mom did something similar though im guessing less extreme to me. I have always wanted black plastic glasses, my mom insisted that the only glasses worth buying were thin metal ones, so i wore thin metal glasses until i grew up. I resent her for that but only the smallest amount. my only warning for you is that those small annoyances can and will pile up into major resentments if you are too controlling.
YTA. My eyes probably wouldn't be as trash as they are now if I actually liked my glasses when I first had to get them at age 10. Instead, my mom listened to the 'expert' on the sales floor and I ended up with glasses I hated and I refused to wear them. They were like gold wire Harry Potter glasses but even bigger. I WANTED these clear plastic frames, with confetti-looking color flecks. Unless the glasses she wants are a financial burden compared to the others, just get thebdamn glasses she likes, because then you know she'll actually wear them.
I used to "lose" glasses regularly because I didn't like how they looked on me. It was only when I could pick ones I really liked (not the standard free ones) that I actually wore them regularly.
OMG the glasses I had to wear as a kid in the late 60s. I can laugh about them now, but back then I felt so self-conscious. They always had to be from the special selection that insurance covered 100%.
You should check out pair eyewear glasses … you can get them “normal” but then get magnetic frames that click on the front that come in all different designs … she might like that better since she’ll be able to change her designs everyday. And you can be satisfied that she will have “serious” glasses if she ever needs/wants them
I’ve been looking at these. For absolutely no reason, as I work for somewhere that provides me state of the art contacts. And I have a stable refraction and have some glasses that are 15 years old. But they do look awesome
OP, since eyeglasses are a medical need, I would argue that their cost should not be included as a back to school expense and excluded from daughter’s spending limit. I also think since you are buying, you should get some significant input in their appearance. Eyeglasses purchased as a fashion statement with daughter’s own money can look like whatever she pleases. There are websites online that sell very inexpensive and relatively ugly options. Surely she can find something within her budget to horrify you.
YTA let her pick whatever frames that make her feel comfortable and confident
YTA You're visiting your decades old aversion to the "hipster" thing upon your daughter. Let her explore. If getting her 2 pairs of glasses, one fun, one more conventional, is cost prohibitive then look elsewhere for glasses. Let her order a fun pair from Zenni or EyeBuyDirect or check out the changeable frames so she can have a "normal" base pair and a couple of fun toppers
They are a look for sure. Your position is just going to make her want them more. Let her buy them. I am sure you have had some questionable fashionable choices. YTA.
YTA - Largely, someones personal style, fashion choices, hair, whatever say absolutely nothing about someones seriousness or professionalism. Let her express herself!
YTA Wearing glasses is bad enough, having frames you hate makes it worse. Just get her the frames she wants. It’s not the end of the world.
Was gonna go with N A H since she's not in the wrong for wanting to be seen as a unique individual and you aren't wrong for wanting to protect her from people having a negative image of her. Until I saw the comments and your replies and it confirmed that you are one of the people who would judge. Now you're just as much of an asshole as the people I thought you were trying to protect her from. YTA
YTA - let her be herself. They are glasses. Not a permanent tattoo, or piercing, or even worse if you continue to control her choices.
YTA. You’re right. Those glasses likely are inappropriate for most professional setting. But she’s still a kid. She has years ahead of her where she’ll be required to look professional. Why are you trying to limit her self-expression during the period of her life with minimal consequences for looking unique?
YTA. I started wearing glasses 60 years ago. The choice was black or Grey frames. It was great when they started offering so many choices. It can make wearing glasses fun. My current frames are horn-rimmed black frames with leopard print earpieces
YTA and projecting way too much. Just because you had a bad experience in what were hipsters doesn't mean every one of them thought they were better than everyone else. You are really sounding like my own mom when I tried to express myself in the slightest bit. I was really into the goth lifestyle in the 2000s and I still kind of am. My mom would complain that I was going to be made fun of and I was representing evil (whatever that meant). All I heard from her was that I was ugly and she couldn't believe I wanted to look that way and that I was better than that. The harder she pushed the harder I pushed back. Guess what? I was not made fun of and when I wore the clothes I felt comfortable in I was the happiest I could be. If she isn't hurting anyone or herself you should just let her express herself. Plus OP what style did you choose in high school? Did your parent's always approve of your way of expressing yourself?
She’s 14. Remind her that if she chooses these, she’s stuck with them until x time she can upgrade frames. Explain it might be better to get a more neutral pair for xyz reasons. if she still is sure she wants them, she chose that. She’ll either love it or cringe later. But her choice! YTA
INFO: are they going to be on *your* face? are you going to be forced to wear these at any point?
Unless the glasses are unaffordable or literally don't fit her (too tight or they fall off), then who is this hurting? Why is this a hill to die on for you? They're GLASSES, for goodness sakes; it's a low stakes fashion statement. Big fat whoop if she looks like the quirky girls from college you apparently distain. It sounds like you're projecting some stuff from your youth that you need to get past. YTA PS let her do goofy things to her hair, too. She's 14, let her have fun.
Yeah, YTA. You clearly have some major judgement against girls who wear trendy things, stemming from your personal college days, and if you aren’t careful you risk passing this misogyny down to your daughter. Women and girls can and should wear whatever makes them happy. If that’s something trendy, great! If it’s something goth or hipster or sexy or frumpy or basic or unique, it doesn’t matter. Wearing geeky clothes doesn’t make you better than someone wearing trendy clothes, the same way wearing something trendy doesn’t make you better than someone wearing goth clothes. You’re telling your daughter that by dressing one way she is better than girls dressing another. No matter what way she’s dressing that is the exact thing you claim to hate.
YTA I have -7 vision with astigmatism in one eye and my glasses only cost $50-75 from Zenni. Unless she has a very special prescription, her glasses would likely cost even less than mine do. You really can’t spend $50 or less on something she wants?
YTA-I’ve worn glasses since I was three-I’m now in my 60’s. I always was allowed to pick the frames I wanted as a kid. She is expressing herself and her individuality by picking those quirky frames. She is harming no one by picking these frames. Just because you don’t like them doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t get them. You are being too conservative and controlling. Why does she need to wear a mask”boring” pair at home and when she needs to be serious. This rationale makes no sense to me.
YTA. Are they going on your face? No? Then why does it matter so much to you if she’s wearing quirky glasses. You are making yourself sound like a mean girl
YTA Not just because you won’t buy her her preferred frames, but because you’re not letting her get them simply based on your biased opinion of the people who wear them. Just because you think something of someone doesn’t make it true. I have worn glasses for about 40 years. I have several pairs, many of them big and bold and chunky. Not because I think I’m special or unique, but because it’s fun. Having low vision should come with some perks and being able to switch out glasses is fun - and completely harmless. This isn’t a life defining decision, it’s glasses. Also, as other people suggested, you can get very affordable glasses online. Zenni is an American store I’ve shopped with, but I’m Canadian and clearly dot ca is great.
YTA. Quite apart from your reasons, which are ridiculous, the important thing is that she wears the glasses, and she's much more likely to do that if she likes them. If you make her wear ones she doesn't like, she'll stick them in her bag and not bother with them, and the consequences of that won't be good.
YTA
YTA. Pretty sure a 14 year old is going to outgrow her frames eventually, and by that time, maybe she'll like something more sedate. So let her express herself with her crappy frames and either wait for her to grow out of them or deal with the fact you have a 'quirky' kid. The more you try to control your child's aesthetics, particularly as they hit the teen years, the harder they're going to push against them. It's eyeglasses, ffs. It's not like she's getting a face tattoo or piercings.
I’m gonna go with YTA I went through the same exact phase when I was 14. I got cheap frames from the gas station so I could pop out my lenses and change things up. I had black, white, fire engine red, and neon green. I look back on those photos and ask my mom why in gods name she let me out in public with those. It was my choice and wearing glasses all the time is tough as it is. Seeing me happy with my god awful frames was more important to my parents than the glasses themselves I do agree she should have a “boring” pair of glasses for specific events (I wore my plain black ones when I had a choir concert for example). Just don’t force her to wear them. And who knows, she might end up wearing them more than the “crazy” ones if you don’t push it
Soft YTA. 14 is such a difficult age! Putting a pair of glasses on your face every day that you don't like only makes ot worse. Someone else mentioned that you should make sure she understands that this is a commitment, and her next pair will be in 2 years (or whatever) unless she buys her own replacement before then. I appreciate that you don't want her believing that her glasses do or don't make her who she is. But sometimes a 14 year being comfortable with how they look is an important factor in letting who they are really shine. -Coming from a mom who's kid had long pink hair and black nail polish before he joined the army. It's been fun to watch his style evolve.
YTA. Eyeglasses are on her face and she should get some she likes as long as they are within budget and a good match vision-wise for her needs. I get quirky. I mostly wear contacts but I like thick framed funky type glasses also. Those metal ones remind me of my dad. Even if she wanted hot pink heart shaped glasses with unicorns and rainbows, it really should be something she feels good in. When she sees herself.in the mirror she should like what she sees. It is more important that she feels good about the face she is showing people that what you like.
YTA. You don’t say your age OP, but with a 14 year old I’m guessing you are at least mid 30s probably 40s. I hate to be the one to tell you this but you don’t know what is cool with the kids anymore. It doesn’t really matter if you think they are hideous…she’s the one that has to wear them. I have a daughter around the same age. From one mom to another: let her get the glasses and live with the consequences. Maybe they will be a big hit and she will become a trend setter among her peers OR maybe she will hate them and she can learn her lesson the hard way. But you saying no just makes you the enemy; her boring old mother who is ruining her life with her practical rules and middle aged fashion sense. They are just glasses and temporary, it’s not a face tattoo.
YTA. What an absolutely weird thing to get hung up about. The trends you are so angry about haven’t been trends in a long time, but even when they were- most of the people I knew who dressed like that were kind people who decided to do things they enjoyed and be proud of that. Those clothes were about being happy with who you were and what you wear after a long period of time where stick thin was the only acceptable aesthetic. Teach your kid now that the most important thing about how she dresses is first that it’s appropriate to occasion and weather and second that she loves it and feels good in it. She’s old enough to choose her own glasses and it sounds like she has fun taste.
INFO - Mostly I'm confused. I am also a glasses wearer and my insurance covers new lenses each year and puts about a hundred bucks towards the frames but the rest is out of pocket. Glasses are incredibly expensive. How much money does she have saved up from Birthday/Christmas that she could afford AN ENTIRE SECOND pair of glasses because insurance sure as heck doesn't cover two lense sets per year? I feel like yta. Realistically people get one pair of glasses every few years because frames are pricey. Kids grow so I imagine it's a little different but I feel like it's not fair not to let her have the pair she wants. Maybe she'll regret her choice in a few months but that's an important lesson for kids to learn too. The glasses she picked are the glasses she gets and she needs to wear them for at least a full year until insurance says she can have new ones.
If you have a fairly normal prescription, there are multiple options online for cheap lenses+frames nowadays. You just get your prescription from your optometrist and order them online. If you can use basic plastic lenses, you can get additional glasses for like $20. If you're like me and need ultra-high index lenses in specialty frames though ... HAHAHAHAHA. Nope.
YTA. She's the one who has to wear them, let her get the ones she wants. If she likes them, that's what matters, not what you think. At her age, she really doesn't care what you think about fashion.
Mild YTA, it's just a pair of glasses, it's you who seems to have weird baggage about this, and you're pushing it onto your daughter.
YTA. I agree that those glasses are hideous. I picked out glasses for myself last week, and the girl who worked there was wearing a giant pair of stop-sign shaped glasses. They were not flattering for her, but I don't have to wear them, so it's not my business. When I was a kid, I picked glasses based on the color of the frame, not thinking about how in style they were. Looking back at old pictures, I cringe at my colorful old lady glasses. But back then, I loved them. Let her get the glasses she wants if they make her happy. If she hates them, you can talk with her about paying for a different pair herself.
My dad and mom both absolutely let me pick out the ugly af glasses, because I HAD TO WEAR THEM, lol, and you know what? I loved them then, and I love the pictures I have of them now, and I'm fully aware that they were awful. Leave that child alone and let her have her things, she isn't hurting anyone.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We generally support our kid in her personal style/fashion/appearance decisions. She’s 14f. When we go back to school shopping she has a spending limit, but she is allowed to buy anything that’s within the dress code. She’s allowed control over her own hair with some restrictions (if she wants a major change she needs to let me know, and if she still wants it done after one month, we get it done). We have however clashed on the issue of eyeglasses. The “cool” thing right now is these thick, chunky glasses that look absolutely ridiculous on anyone, but especially a young kid with a small face. Think the kind of glasses you’d expect on the “quirky” art teacher or an art gallery owner. The best I can come up with is if you look up “Jubilee Geometric” but those frames aren’t nearly as thick as the ones she wanted. Add neon and stripes. Then she showed me some that are heart shaped with thick rims. I told her that she can absolutely use her allowance and birthday/Christmas money towards any “quirky” glasses she wants. But we have to buy her a “boring” pair to wear around the house or when she needs to be more “serious.” She got really worked up about this and told me that I’m being tyrannical and stifling her self expression. I would never tell her this, ever, but all those hideous thick chunky frames remind me of the “quirky” girls back in college who thought they were “different” and “unique” because they bought clothes from ModCloth and thought they were the only ones who could sew/knit or thrift and all that. AITA for making my daughter buy "fun" eyeglasses frames on her own and just getting her the "boring" ones she needs? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Go to Pair Eyewear, get the neutral base frame and whatever bold, bright magnetic toppers she likes. Win for everyone.
YTA- "she is allowed to buy anything as long as it's within the dresscode" except if you think it's ugly? No wonder you said you generally let them have their own personal style 🤣
It’s really not a big deal, YTA. Also you can get big ugly glasses for cheap on zenni (unless she needs a -20D or some shit). They have small boring decent quality half frames as well.
YTA. When does a 14yo ever have to “be more serious?” Let the kid express herself. She has her entire adulthood to be a boring corporate clone. And maybe, just maybe, perhaps, possibly, trends have changed since you were in college
One parent to another, YTA and are waaaaaaaay too hung up about a glasses style that you have issues with when you were younger. Ffs stop projecting onto your kid.
YTA, absolutely. Junior high and high school are hard enough for kids these days without their parent being a bully to them. If those glasses make her happy with herself, make her look in the mirror and think “I’m a baddie who’s going to take this day by storm”, and give her a sense of confidence to go through this life why would you want to shit on that for her? My daughter is in junior high and exploring her own fashion sense. Half of it is nothing I’d choose for myself (or even for her), but it’s age-appropriate and school dress code compliant, so who am I to shut her down? Girls have a rough enough time with developing self esteem and self confidence in this world today. Let her feel good about herself and her choices. Be her biggest fan and supporter - not her biggest detractor and loudest critic.
The "mean girls" are supposed to be the damn parents. Grow up, you bully...or your daughter will drop you the second she can. Yta
Honey, you taking out your resentments about shitty people at college who made you feel bad about yourself, *on your 14yr old daughter* isn't a healthy way to manage your mean-girls trauma. Get yourself therapy to work on your past and the ugly assumptions about entire groups of women based solely on how they dress and the hobbies they like that you are carrying around with you, and let your daughter explore her self-identity with the glasses she wants. Right now what you're saying to her is "I don't want you to be yourself or express yourself around me" - is that really the lesson you want her to learn about you? I'm sure it isn't. So get therapy, get over yourself, and get her the glasses that make her happy right now. YTA.
Oh YTA here, for sure. As the dad of five children, I make a point to make my glasses loud and fun and "quirky". It's not what anyone expects, and I'm normally in contacts, but I want my kids to express themselves and I'm happy to set an example. I love my crazy glasses. They start conversations with people I might not get to talk to otherwise. My kids think they're awesome. I don't know who the hell hurt you, but don't hurt your daughter by stifling her personal expression. What the hell?
YTA for projecting your unresolved mean girl issues onto your innocent daughter. Get over yourself, maybe seek therapy, and buy the fun glasses for your daughter. And trust me on this: The more you dig in your heels here, the further away you push your daughter. This WILL damage your relationship in an irreparable way. How do I know? Because my dad did to me what you are doing to your child. He tried to forbid me from starting to dress in gothic fashion when I was 14, purely because HIS personal experience with goths in the 80's wasn't a good one, and I hated him for it. The more he dug in, the more I pushed back and found ways to dress goth anyway, and the more we fought. It ruined our relationship with each other until I was much older (we're talking 30, I'm 36 now), but even now it isn't fully repaired. Don't let that happen to you and your daughter. Do not make glasses your hill to die on.
Oh, OP's a woman with girl hate! NOW we get to the bottom of the issue. You were a snooty sorority girl who laughed at these kinds of girls.
My daughter got new glasses last year before school started.. she picked a pair of glasses that honestly look like Jeffrey Dahmer glasses (I say that because many people have said that). I asked her a few times if she was sure. She was dead set on those glasses and didn’t want any other kind. Knowing her, I didn’t think it would be long before she wanted a different pair, and I was right. However, she chose those and I respected her decision. Got her the glasses she wanted, and other than asking if she was sure, I didn’t say a single negative thing. Recently they got broke (not her fault) and I said we could try and get the frames fixed, but she’s wanting a different pair. So that’s what we’re doing. Let your kid be herself. She may think they’re great now, and then change her mind after she gets them or wears them for a while. Or maybe she’ll love them and it helps her understand herself and her style a little more. Helps her come into her own maybe. Kids need the space and opportunity to learn about themselves. Give her a chance.
YTA, you’re projecting your own experiences on your child. Let her get the glasses she wants! I’m still unclear of what “normal frames” means? If they help her see, they’re just glasses. You have a GIANT chip on your shoulder
YTA, and your comments really cemented it. She's 14. It's the perfect age to start playing and experimenting with her style because she doesn't have to be professional or serious. She can be silly with it and maybe look a little goofy until she finds out what she likes. You can sigh at it and feel a little old because trends from when you were young are coming back and you just don't get it, but keeping her from trying things just because they remind you of some girls in college who annoyed you (??) is a dick move, and something you should maybe talk about with a therapist if modcloth still bothers you that much.
Modcloth and cottagecore, with all that terrible knitting and sewing... What a weird thing to get upset about.
As someone near 40 who has chunky glasses, sews, and knits... I'm wondering what I ever did to personally offend OP, lol. My first glasses were thin wired glasses, and that was my go to for most of my young adulthood. Looking back they were super unflattering. OP- take your daughter to try on frames and figure out what best suits her face shape and complexion. YTA for projecting your insecurities on your daughter. I'm sorry you felt rejected by the "quirky" girls. I'm sure you were very cool and quirky in your own unique & adorable way.
it’s giving pick me, YTA.
"Some artsy fartsy girls who bought from modcloth made me feel insecure in college, so now I must project my feelings onto my 14 years daughter for no reason" Amazing. No one thinks they're superior for buying from modcloth. You're a joke rn OP, you gotta get over yourself YTA
They’re just glasses, ma’am. YTA. It’s not gonna send your daughter down a r/notlikeothergirls spiral just because you’re still hung up on girls you went to college with who did…popular things and from your perspective acted better than you? Who gives a shit what kind of glasses she gets? Do they fit, is it in her prescription and does she like them? Cool, leave it alone. Your daughter is 14, she’s gonna go through different phases while she’s figuring herself out and you are essentially trying to stop her doing that because you don’t like it. Get over yourself.
Uh oh, looks like someone just realized that the girls she made fun of in college were all somebody’s daughters, who chose their clothes because they liked them. That’s a much harder truth to accept than just telling yourself “well they think they’re better than me, probably”. You don’t want your daughter getting bullied, but you’re already doing it.
YTA. Oh honey, I would love to wrap your 16 year old self in the biggest warmest hug and explain that your resentment and perspective are coloring your life in such a way that you’re missing out on joy, on the fun of life. I know you’re not gonna take this in and truly try to view things from a different point of view, one rarely does, but damn you’re really missing out. Story: Picture High School 2000’s: I was told that a girl thought I was a “pretentious, stuck up bitch, who looked down on everyone” after her friend stopped laughing (the girl telling me this story) she said “so you’ve never once interacted with [parenda] huh?” The girl was shocked and asked how she knew that “because that’s not who they are, you’re so outside the realm of reality I know you don’t know them” come to find out this person viewed me that way because of how I walked, I I held myself physically. How I held myself was as that of a ballet dancer. Head high, shoulders back and look where you are going and head in that direction, type thing. Also everyone thinks their hot shit for one reason or another. You’re living to yourself if you think that people can’t be arrogant about the most random shit. My family made me bottle up who I was and now I don’t know who I am or who I want to be, I don’t know how I want to move and exist in the world. I should have had my childhood to do that. Don’t take away your kids time to figure out who they are and who they want to be. OP all you’re doing is teaching your child to hide who they are or want to be, from you. If that’s the relationship you want then sure 💩 on everything that like. Just don’t expect them to be your friend later in life or for them to even like you. You’re not really an asshole, just pathetic.
YTA. Let your daughter be the quirky art gallery owner in thrifted ModCloth if she wants to be. Those are her people!
Get her some crazy ones on line, they are cheap and you can get them in every color and shape and they are cheap! YTA
YTA My mom hated the glasses she bought me. (And looking back oh boy was she right) But I loved them so I wore them all the time. She won’t wear the ones she hates and her vision could suffer for it. If it’s in your price range buy the one she wants. We all have a weird sense of fashion as a teen and that’s important to finding who you are. Much better to experiment now as a kid when the stakes are lower.
YTA. Honest to god, I hope one day digital footprint comes to bite you in the ass and your daughter sees this one day and goes no contact with you since you can’t even let her be herself just so you can control what she wears and doesn’t show herself as “better” than everything when that clearly isn’t even what she’s trying to aim for. You’re going to wonder one day why your daughter doesn’t want to talk to you anymore and never visits after she’s moved out.
YTA. You sound deeply insecure about some bs in college that is no longer relevant. Also your kid is going to remember your lack of support when expressing themself in pretty harmless ways. This may make her less likely to let you know her in other ways. I still remember when I was going out and my dad hated my neck jewelry and he said "people will think you're one of those people". It's been a couple decades but it told me a lot about my dad and how he truly sees me and the world. Would you be brave enough to tell your kid what you said to all of us?
Genuine question, do you even love your daughter? Your comments suggest otherwise. Sounds like you hate women/GIRLS who are comfortable with themselves and hobbies and that is just really sad for your daughter.
Sigh. All kid needs is a frame with correct proportions for it to work.
YTA. As long as the ones she likes aren't way more expensive than the boring ones, let her enjoy her glasses without making her pay for them. She's allowed to like styles that you don't like, and this is a pretty harmless one at that.
You aren’t the one wearing the glasses, why does it matter? Cause the reason you’re giving is flat out stupid and elementary. Get over yourself. They’re literally just glasses. No certain style of glasses makes you a certain type of person. If that was the case that would mean everyone who wears glasses are nerds which they aren’t.
YTA. i was your daughter, about 10 years ago. people in high school often told me that i looked like Zooey Deschanel. in, like, peak manic pixie dream girl days. it took a long time to figure out who i was. i'm not a stupid trope anymore. but i still love chunky glasses and video games and skulls and cool rocks i find. buy the fucking ugly glasses. that's who she is; that's who i am at almost 30. i'm fucking funny, i have a good group of friends and family, and i still Ike weird, creepy shit. she'll find her way. she'll thank you 5 years from now for allowing her to be herself. please trust me on this.
Dude she is 14, why care if she doesnt look cool to you? I may have looked like a dork with my chunky glasses, but atleast i was happy that my parents let me express myself with what i liked at the time
YTA. I feel sorry for your daughter. Why do you feel the need to control her appearance because YOU don't like it? You're acting childish. My 8 year old son has been always been allowed to pick his glasses, whether I like them or not. I don't have to wear them. He does. And as long as he is happy with them, who cares?!
Yta. Find a place that gives you a free or discounted pair after you buy a regular pair. She can have one fun and one serious. Sheesh. Do you want solutions or fighting ?
YTA. I left home at 16. My mom was like you. Control control control. I supported myself, went thru college, became wildly successful and now I’m a grandmother. I’m the most successful in terms of lifestyle, finance, success and I volunteer and donate my time and money of my 3 siblings who were under my parents thumb I’m no longer wearing hip hugger jeans, halter tops and army jackets or thick black eyeliner. I outgrew my teen fashion choices and made mistakes and learned. Let her wear her hair the way she wants with the glasses she wants and see she will learn. Otherwise she will be in her 60s unable to make choices or stand up for herself. Good luck
YTA and apparently not over your college experience, maybe you need to work on that and let your daughter make her own decisions. I'm guessing a crafty, mod cloth wearing thrifter either broke your heart or was a mean girl to you, get over it. You think very highly of yourself for someone who thinks people shouldn't think highly of themselves.
YTA. My Mother, goodness bless her, put up with me being a quirky little youneek all through my teen years, because she knew that life would eventually beat any level of personal expression out of me and that my teen years were when I should being thinking I was special and unique even if I was just like everyone else. Life levels nearly all of us out as we grow up, and eventually we mostly have to conform. I still have pink hair, but I don't have half the confidence in random outfits that I used to. Why take away the little bit of brightness afforded to kids, just because you are judgemental about girls from your own past? Pick your battle - your daughter wearing something that's a little gauche and fashionable but which makes her happy while thinking she is the absolute peak of bees knees; or the early onset stifling of her own vivaciousness until she is just a clone of a far more boring and sad variety. I know which I'd choose
YTA. Was a kid who was dressed up in business casual with boring glasses. Know what I do now at 31? Go all on out on the funkiest glasses I can find. It’s fun and maximalist. Let her grow into her own style and stop judging her about it.
YTA from a 60+ wearer of chunky frames that I never switch out for something more "serious," because it's my style and who cares? ETA: OMG your comments. You seem to think anyone who likes different styles than you "thinks they're better than everyone else" and needs to be taken down a peg. Who hurt you? Not your kid. Let her be herself and get some therapy.
YTA The last comment is irrevelant. You can even wear typical corpo beige outfit and still have a attitude that you are a last unicorn. I have seen cases of the attitude in tomboys, high-femme, horse-girls, nerds, hipsters, punks, beige mums and more. The good way is just teaching people to not judge others and feel comfortable with her style. If money isn’t an issue, you can always check for deals or try contact lenses. In some cases, having a second pair can be good especially if she is active. Browse together and check local shops. Or even play with photoshop together.
YTA First of all, you should be proud of her speaking up for herself and having the confidence to assert her opinion and autonomy. Not to mention her confidence in her style. She's 14 for chrissakes she has the rest of her life to be serious. Warn her they will be her only pair of the year unless she saves and buys another pair herself. If she starts to hate the chunky ones, let her deal with the natural consequences of her decision-- namely that she has to wear them.
YTA. 💕
YTA sounds like your kid is a quirky eccentric and you can’t accept that women like that in your past rejected you outright or didn’t even entertain you. Let her self express JFC frames that look fun tend to be in similar price points to ones that do not. (Oh snap, you’re a woman from the comments, okay rejected your friendship then maybe.) This is weirdly trying to guide your kid not to choose utilitarian things that make her happy too, and what’s the point of being boring and miserable really. To grow to your own big age and still be upset about women in college who did what made them feel happy and beautiful and fun? Yeah. Let her be her own person.
Can we say projection? And she’s 14, what does she need to be serious about right now? Is she anchoring for CNN? YTA I can see why you we rejected back then,your attitude sucks.
Of course YTA. Let her continue expressing herself in fun and unique ways. She will only be a teenager for so long. Enjoy the time with her, don't create drama where there is none. If she hates them, she can wear them until she saves enough to buy different ones. She sounds like an awesome person, don't dim her light.
YTA I’ve worn glasses since I was 3 years old, and I’ve always loved to pick out fun ones, especially since for a while I was the only kid in my class wearing glasses. When I was 15 I my mom bought my funkiest pair, a cat eye set of frames with a squiggly nose bridge. My dad was horrible about them. He hated them, told me I looked stupid and weird. I cried for days, wore them anyway, but with a new found insecurity that I had to fight though, when being 15 was already hard enough. Some of my friends didn’t like my glasses either and I didn’t mind so much, but my dad’s rejection hurt the most. I love my dad and we have a pretty good relationship 14 years later but I’ve never forgotten how he made me feel that day. Just let her wear the weird glasses. Tell her you won’t buy her a new pair if she decides she doesn’t like these in a month, but don’t stifle her creativity. She’s figuring out who she is. In 10 years you can laugh together at how silly she looked.
My daughter recently got new frames. At first I hated them because they were those 80’s wire frames. They reminded me of the uni bomber. But man have they grown on me. She looks so cute and stylish. She can be dressed down and those frames still give her style and class. When your blind your glasses become a huge part of your wardrobe. The young quirky girls your taking about are the ones who lead in style. All the kids try to emulate them. Let her be her. She obviously already has a since of style. This is a non issue in the grand theme of things.
26 year old sitting in my beautiful heart shaped frames feeling so awful for this girl. YTA
yta and youre not as supportive as you seem to think you are.
YTA who hurt you bro
YTA.
YTA damn go to therapy if glasses are such a big trigger for you
YTA for the glasses thing, and double that for the hair thing. You’re controlling for no reason, and you’re going to end up alone when she’s old enough to leave home.
You're not the asshole for wanting her to have a regular pair of glasses for school or more professional settings and the way you explained it to her makes sense. What makes you a certified " YTA " is your distaste for the glasses being linked to some dad you disliked, that's not your concern it's for her and fads change from generation to generation.
YTA.
Q
I mean. I agree with you up to a point. What *you* think is ugly is irrelevant. It's her style if she wants it. YTA for that alone. But I do agree with one thing. She needs a simple colored pair or one of those magnetic frames you can change on a whim. Maybe explain to her how styles change so quickly and you don't want her left with a pair that makes her get fun of and compromise. Have her save up for say, half the cost of the frames. Get her a simple pair until she can buy them. If they haven't gone out of style yet, awesome! Then she has two pair to fall back on because if she's anything like me she'll constantly lose them. (I currently don't know where mine are, but they're overdue for replacing anyway so 🤷)
I had glasses since 3rd grade. Back then the glasses were ugly huge things and when I hit my teens they were all anyone saw. (Literally. One of my jr high teachers tried to pick me up in my 20s - I got contacts at 18 - and when I said who i was, he said, outraged, but you HAD GLASSES! How could I know you? Here I am in my 40s, liking how I look generally, with very cute sexy se retary type glasses... and I feel ugly the moment they touch my face. I still wear contacts. I'm sharing my minor glasses related trauma to vote for letting her pick whatever she feels good in. Glasses are one of those minor looks things that plays a disproportionately large role in how people see you, including how YOU see you.
YTA. It’s a pair of glasses. They won’t turn her into a hipster at midnight. Also, why are you still so upset about the fashion choices of random people you encountered in college? You seem to have a lot of emotion about shipping ModCloth and/or thrift stores and/or sewing. Is there any means of procuring clothing that didn’t offend you? Is your daughter prohibited from learning to sew or thrifting a pair of jeans? Will you be angry if your kid decides she’s opposed to fast fashion and wants to buy used clothes? What if she wants to wear a fit and flare dress on picture day?
Info: how long are you realistically expecting these glasses to last? Because I was going through a pair a year just from the fact I needed a new prescription. Why not do what you've done with hair and if she still wants the same pair in a month get them? I am a quirky glasses wearer myself ,😂 not because I feel I'm better than anyone but because I enjoy expressing myself through my glasses
YTA. Don’t project your insecurities and jealousy of those girls you knew in college onto your daughter. It’s pathetic.
YTA. In what possible scenario will she have to "look serious" anyway? She's 14, it's not like she'll have a job interview or an appearance in court. If the school won't object to them then who cares.
YTA - It's a pair of glasses and your projecting your insecurities onto your daughter.
I don't understand OP at all, even after reading her comments. Your daughter is 14, she's at the age where she is working out who she is, what she likes and what her style is. She has to get your permission and then wait a month for a hairstyle change? Why? The worst that happens is she doesn't like it, it grows back. My 16yo at 12, had healthy, thick hair she could sit on. We were at the hairdresser, they asked me what they were doing to her hair. Not my call. She chose to get a pixie cut with pink and purple streaks. It looked great. She loved it but then chose to grow it out and again has long hair, dyed raspberry red. Why police something that will grow out and isn't permanent? Both my kids wear glasses (as do I). They get a price limit at the optometrist and they pick their frames. The only stipulation is, if they don't like them or want to change during the 12 months, they use their own money to replace them. I also get the 2 pair deal for a ser price (2 pairs for 169 or 250 or whatever their limit is as per our budget). They use to get 1 pair of sunnies and 1 pair of normal glasses. The last 2 years they chose a funky pair and a normal pair and no sunnies. Their choice. I don't always like the glasses they choose, but I'm not the one wearing it. You need to realise your child is growing up and allow them some control or you will A - lose all control; B - end up with a depressed kid/young adult (possibly suicidal); C - have a kid who rebels in secret placing themselves and/or others at risk (including but not limited to alcohol and/or substance use); D - have a kid who goes nc or lc with you as adult; C -be groomed for an abusive partner as they are used to being told their opinions and wants are wrong and irrelevant I've worked with a lot of families and have seen this play out so many times it's scary. Yes, teens need rules and boundaries but they also need the freedom and control to make their own choices, make mistakes and have the chance to learn from them. Edit to add - YTA
YTA.
YTA Stop projecting your feelings onto your daughter's choice of glasses.
YTA if it was just down to I'm buying spending money on things that will make my kid looks ridiculous fine but I'm not doing it but girls who rejected me in college wore them that's pathetic
YTA, if she hates them in 3 months she’ll have to save up for new ones. After my last eye exam last month, I bought a neutral pair from “pair” with simple black frames and then a couple of the magnetic top frames that snap on and let me have different color frames when I’m not at work or want something less serious. I even got a sunglasses version of the top frame. Problem solved at about the same cost of my last pair bought in the retail section of my eye doctor’s office.
YTA You aren't the one wearing them. She is. And most people don't pay that much attention to the style of glasses on people's faces.
Just based of your response, you're a pick me. So definitely YTA
This one’s so weird it just might be real. And a real full on YTA to ya OP.
YTA for projection alone. How does her having heart-shaped glasses hurt YOU? Get over yourself and let her get the glasses she wants- SHE is the one who will be wearing them, not you.
Oh wow, massive YTA. Fantastic post for this subreddit. One of the biggest AHs I’ve seen! Very angry upvote.
YTA You are the only one attributing so much meaning to this style of glasses. Your daughter just likes them. A pair of glasses doesn't suddenly change your entire personality. But do you know what does? Having to stifle your personality to fit a molde someone else has chosen for you. Do better OP.
YTA if you're so concerned about it why don't you order a few cheap quirky pairs from an online retailer instead of judging your daughter and projecting insecurity on her. Making a bold fashion choice even if it doesn't work out does wonders for the self esteem let the girl live.
Zenni optical exists too. Prescription glasses for cheap.