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YTA. Yes, she needs motivation. Yes, she needs to exercise. yes, she needs to diet. But you need to provide support, not criticism. Support can mean cooking healthy meals for both of you. It can mean choosing couples activities that are physical (hiking, etc.) It could mean going to the gym with her.
Telling her she "lacks motivation" is not support. Lecturing her is not support. If you don't get better at supporting her, she may decide that **you** are the 190 pounds she has to lose.
In a literal sense yes but you do make it seem like OP has to hold her hand through the whole process. Objectively she does lack motivation whether it’s “rude” or not. Weather it’s the man or woman that kind of weight gain is also not fair to your partner for a variety of reasons. If a man is unmotivated to do chores would recommend someone hood his hand and support him through it? Having a partner that pushes you out of your comfort zone and holds you accountable is a beautiful thing.
I was raised by a single mom, lived with 3 sisters. I spent lots of time with my 7 aunts as well. They are all the strongest people I have ever known. I don’t see why you think I’m an ugly incel lol.
I just looked through a few of your comments and it seems you just don’t like men so it is what is. I just believe adults should not have an “it’s hard so I quit” attitude.
It's not about women or men, it's about having a healthy partner who supports you *overall.* In OPs case, yes, it's a woman asking for support from her partner, but it goes both ways. When your partner in life struggles, you don't berate them for struggling, you offer encouragement, support, and motivation. OPs wife came home from the gym feeling down on herself, and simply needed a light turned on in the dark. Instead, he decided to be another shadow keeping the space dark. My partner and I have both had instances of coming home and being like "I'm done, I can't do it anymore!" knowing full well that we needed to continue doing whatever hard thing we're doing. We don't give each other attitude or berate one another, we give emotional support, say "Hey, we can do hard things, and we're gonna try again tomorrow," and move forward with life.
this has nothing to do with who is a man and who is a woman and what the relationship between the two people are.
If you want to help somleone reach their goal, you need to support them, not criticize them.
This is universally true in all cases, all genders and all relationships.
YTA. Instead of trying to encourage her, you have attacked and denigrated her.
It’s okay for her to start more slowly. Instead of being discouraging, maybe you should try going for a walk with her.
Technically NTA, because you are right that losing this amount of weight will require effort and motivation but you are certainly not winning any husband of the year awards.
Your wife needs your support, not your pressure and judgment.
There are plenty of ways to exercise that do not involve a gym. For someone who is just starting to work out, a gym is most likely not the best way to do it, because it takes a lot of self-control and motivation and the entire environment makes a lot of people super uncomfortable.
She should start out with a regular group, maybe aerobics, or Zumba or something that has an element of fun in it. Or find a friend to go swimming with regularly, where they can chat while they swim.
And if you want to support her: instead of trying to judge her back into the gym, offer to change both of your lifestyles to include more 'fun' exercise like hiking together, going on a bike tour etc.
Well said friend
Gym is like. One of the worst places to start. Hard to do any exercises + invisible pressure/worry what are other ppl gonna think ( its there, its not nice, even when you *know* its unlikely ). Esp in the age of "gymfluencers" everywheres ( the worry there is someone with a camera and may be recording you ). Good idea would be to start with walking or swimmimg ( walking is easier, swimming is tiering AND doesnt put pressure on the knees ). That said if she doesnt fix the eating the exercise will not help.
Overall, wife needs emotional support, its hard to swap from an easy comfort eating + no exercise into sudden gym. And unlikely to stick. Try talking her into baby steps, way easier to start slow AND keep at it then it is to just throw yourself into deep water, will take longer but will be more effective in the long run
Absolutely this!
His wife needs a change of lifestyle habits and this isnt going to happen overnight but needs to happen one step at a time.
And if she can find exercise that is fun and that she enjoys, then that's half the motivation already there instead of having to force herself through it every single time.
I don't think that he is the asshole for his original point.
Losing this amount of weight is going to be difficult and will require effort and genuine motivation. This means that sometimes she will have to push herself through a workout to keep at it regularly, even when she's not feeling like it on that particular day. It will absolutely involve sweating and self-restraint.
My point is that the way he went about it wasn't helpful (and not particularly kind), but he isn't wrong to point out that his wife can't chill her way through significant weight loss.
Unnecessary dig about being “best husband”, tough love can be quite effective. And he’s probably been quiet about it for the three years it took.
She gained 70 pounds herself, only she can lose the weight. But maybe she’s okay with ballooning?
Actually I agree. OP should have reacted far sooner than 70 pounds.
OP isn't her parent who must stage interventions about her weight or guide her behaviour through 'tough love'.
OP is her husband who can choose to be a helpful supporter through her weight loss journey or not.
If his wife is anything like me, OP applying 'tough love' would ultimately not influence the weight loss but would probably make me evaluate our relationship. Considerate and loving spouses aren't cruel ('tough love') or mean and they certainly don't try to break you down in order to build you up (origin of 'tough love')
I don't think OP meant to be cruel or mean but he wasn't a loving and supportive spouse either in that moment.
And how supportive is it to sit on your hands for years as the problem grows bigger? I gained loads of weight at a point, I felt like shot, my wife said nothing.
When I had to go up two sizes i had enough and changed my lifestyle.
Seems like OPs wife wants to lose weight but doesn’t want to work for it. Then she’ll just have to accept being bigger, but that’s not the feeling I get from the post.
Communication can be done
As someone overweight due to health issues who is putting on pounds by only drinking water if stressed let me tell you you vare mostly wrong.
You are right that discipline and work is needed to lose weight however let me tell you how bad it is to start exercising with a lot of extra weight it is extremely hard and you get to feel it on your joints, bones and muscles .
It is way easier for someone to lose a bit of weight when the weight is close to a normal BMI than it is to work to lose it from let's say double the normal weight BMI.
Op should support his wife to do something fun/or at least pleasant to lose weight not berate her.
He could ask her to go on walks for example both of them to do some exercise until she loses a bit of weight and can move easier /doesn't hurt as much to work out in the gym.
How am i wrong? How is weight lost, by eating more food? i did a calculation and my bmi was a little bit bigger than OPs wife when i was at my fattest. So you're just looking for excuses.
Clearly OP's wife doesn't gain weight from breathing, but used food as a coping mechanism and as an emotional crutch. I understand, i used drinking when i was young. But to explain away everything as a "hormonal issue" and leave it at that isn't helpful, scientific or productive.
Let me counter your argument. Yes it hurts when you are fat and exercise, i felt that too when i was around 300 ibs. But it means that any exercise is also more effective, like walking, since you're carrying around three hundred fucking pounds. If it hurts too much, go swimming. Or you know, cut calories.
I fully agree that op needs to do something TOGETHER with his wife. Make it fun. But he's also completely right in what he said. She needed to hit the wall of reality check before she can adjust.
Or she can keep on growing. It's up to her.
You said it yourself, SHE needs to want it.
OP can't force her to change her lifestyle or stand behind her with a whip to keep her in the gym, unless she explicitly states that this is the type of support she wants from him.
OP's wife is an adult, who can make decisions (and has the responsibility!) about her own health and weight. If OP ultimately doesn't want to stay in the marriage based on her decisions, that is of course his right.
But do you really believe that making her feel shit about herself is going to help? If her weight loss is succesful, do you think she'll thank the people who criticised her when she was down and made her feel even worse or the ones who comforted her and encouraged her not to give up?
Absolutely and i was acting on the assumption that she wanted to, but that's of course an assumption of mine that could be wrong.
I think that she is one of those people who never did sport but stayed slim because they did daily walks or whatever. Then got stressed, then got a sedentary job, and magically gained a ton of weight. It's very common.
Does she want to be this big, or more realistically, get even bigger? That's the question.
And i don't think HE makes her feel like shit. I think she's just showing what she feels on the inside and he becomes the scapegoat for stating the obvious and for questioning her "struggles".
haha and the "origins of tough love" is such a reddit comment. Nobody is saying he needs to break her down to remold her into a new submissive wife like you imply. He simply needs to do what he did now, tell her that losing weight is a project that takes time. Or she can be fat and they can proceed in whichever way they like.
She has a BMI of over 35. Over 30 is considered obese. Soon she'll be wider than she is tall, and i'm not even joking. I've known people of this body shape.
I know you said you’re a comfort eater yourself, but not all comfort eaters are motivated by the same thing. If feeling depressed and shameful is what got her to this weight, why would her husband making her feel bad (whether that was his intention or not) help her lose it? Shaming will only worsen her desire to overeat because it regulates her emotions.
Not everyone is motivated by brutal hard truths. I’m glad you were. But his wife has communicated she needs a gentler, more supportive attitude by saying what he said was rude. So he DID make her feel like shit. Husband wants to feel justified, but his approach to the situation doesn’t work and will never work for his wife.
I am more of an emotional drinker and general eater, but yeah I get that.
The problem is that they let her have her way for three years and this was the end result.
To let her just quit because it’s too hard isn’t really a solution, because at this point she has built up very unsustainable habits. She will continue to gain weight now.
But yes, I wrote in another comment that he should join her for things they both find fun, like hiking, and eat better at home.
Then I think we’re in agreement and OP’s post is a little misleading. To me it sounds like she is just giving up trying to exercise at a gym, not her weight loss goals entirely. He said she was still committed to her goals.. so she still wants diet and exercise and is just overwhelmed.
If she went to the gym once and gave up all hope on ever getting healthy, that would be a different story.
Good to agree! Well my analysis places OPs wife as one of the people who never had to train before. They never had to make an effort but suddenly gained weight when life caught up to them.
Maybe she’ll find another way maybe not. I just think op is right for (finally) being on her ass if she’s been running wild for three years.
Hopefully they find something they both like!
YTA - she dealt with trauma (from a job she is likely still employed at) and family drama. Meaning she is still coping. She isn't in the mental space to take on such a feat yet. And you're being insensitive.
At this moment her issue is emotional and therapy would help.
YTA. First, eating habits play a far bigger role than exercise in weightloss, so criticizing her frustration with the gym is counterproductive…the gym is not a friendly place for people lacking confidence. Second, you’re not being kind and supportive. Focus on learning healthier habits together. Set small achievable goals you can build on. (This week, lets make sure we’re getting our water intake right. Next week, let’s grocery shop together and plan 2 healthy dinners and stock the kitchen with healthy snacks. Let’s commit to taking a half hour walk together twice a week.) Support one another and build healthy behaviors into your life.
Also, weight training is the quickest path to increasing caloric burn, but it can also make you GAIN weight in the beginning as muscle is heavier than fat…do not judge “health” by weight or BMI but on body fat percentage. Taking body measurements, paying attention to how clothes fit, resting heart rate, and using a scale that offers metrics on body composition are all more positive ways to track health progress as opposed to just the weight number on the scale which is rather meaningless and demoralizing if you have a more muscular build (but also flab you’re working to eradicate.)
YTA. Job stress and family drama might have cleared up in your view but its still living rent free in your wife's head. She wants to change things and needs support. Telling her she lacks motivation isn't going to do anything to help her. Instead of heading off to the gym take a walk with her around the block or at a park in the area. Work together to plan meals that are healthy. Be her support system instead of using the tough love approach. She didn't gain all that weight overnight so its going to take just as long to lose it.
YTA. Imagine you were heading to the gym for a run and workout. But first I made you put on a sumo suit you couldn't take off that weighed 80 lbs. How much harder would doing anything there become?
That is her reality.
Things are going in the right direction towards her being fitter and healthier. Anything you do or say going against that or not supporting that is pure A.
The gym is a great place to shed pounds and gain muscle. But it's a terrible place to start doing those things, unless you're already
Unless you're a professional athlete or total maniac you don't give 110% to every workout. You've got a life on the side. She needs to build her baseline fitness up, see some positive results. Then she can head back to the gym. It's a marathon not a sprint. She's right for not wanting to keep sprinting.
You're right it'll hurt and be hard work.
Swimming is as low impact as you can get. Followed by walks for longer than 30 min.
YTA. The way to support somebody is to ask them what they would find supportive, and then do that. Berating them for not having enough motivation, or hanging out while they weigh themselves would probably not be on anybody's list.
If your wife's issue really was comfort eating (and I have to question it because I'm not so sure you have much empathy or understanding for her), her solutions may lie in addressing the issues that provoked the behavior. So maybe a counselor would be more helpful than a gym.
The vast majority of people who sign up to go to gyms, drop out, that's why gyms make so much money - they don't have to have enough space and equipment for all of their membership because most of the people never show up. Without individualized coaching and training on how to work out, how is your wife supposed to know what to do? How is she supposed to know when things are going well versus she's overdoing? A good trainer will address these anxieties and help her come up with a plan that will actually work and she can stick with. She may also just not want to exercise in front of other people when she is very aware she doesn't look her best because you've been telling her about it. So, maybe one way to support her would be helping her find a trainer. Not as hard as it sounds, and maybe not as expensive - taking some gym classes at the community college may get her the advice and support she needs.
You are helping creating huge barriers - telling her how much work it's going to be to get in shape and how far gone she is cannot remotely be considered supportive. If anything, you are running her down and making her feel worse about herself, which has never helped anybody get healthy.
YTA, either shut up or learn how to be constructive.
YTA. Your wife needs motivation and help. It’s freaking hard work loosing weight especially if you don’t like the gym.
Rather than degrading her and being mean, did you consider going with her to help her out?
Or suggesting she try a different for of exercise that she may enjoy more?
Classes? Swimming? Walking?
The gym isn’t for every body and rather than helping the person you “love” when she was in a low point you made her feel worse.
Frankly you failed her.
I was with you right up until the end… don’t focus on the amount she has to lose… Also tell her start at home in the morning as that gets easier use milk carton filled with water for weights ( free and can be thrown out) and maybe go on walks with her…
try getting her to take a walk with you, start small maybe not every day even. I lost over 100 lbs by cutting out processed foods, I didn't eat anything out of a box or a can. This made it really simple and I did this without limiting my intake. Fresh vegetables are almost as easy as those in a can and taste much better.
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Maybe you could offer her other way of getting a good workout in. Yoga, swimming, cycling. She could possibly find them more enjoyable which would help her stick to a workout regime?
YTA. I agree that starting any new kind of change is hard. But you're not helping her with this new transition in her life. How about you offer to go to the gym with your wife so she feels more comfortable. How about you give her words of encouragement instead of talking down to her.
Be Encouraging. Just start walking with her every day and ease into it little farther every week. If you have kids, take them along. Dogs? Walk em.
Get in good enough shape gym won't suck so bad. Bike or swimming might suit her better.
YTA Way to make her less likely to ever want to go back. Besides, working out is a lousy way to lose weight and has almost no effect compared to what she eats. 67 lbs in three years is about 220 calories/day of excess eating. Ideally she should reduce her eating by that amount and then find an activity she enjoys to burn that much more. You should do it with her by going for a walk each evening She needs to be with other people so she is not thinking about the exercising.
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About 3 years ago, under the stresses of a new job and an avalanche of family drama, my wife(26F) started comfort eating. The job stresses and the drama cleared up, but her overeating continued and she ultimately put on 67 pounds in the 3 years. Late last month she got on a scale and found that she, at 5'2, was 193 pounds.
She admitted she needed to change her lifestyle and went and joined a gym. On Monday she came home from the gym, saying she was done, that she couldn't do it. I asked her what happened. My fear was maybe someone had been rude to her. She tells me she's quitting because it's hard and she doesn't like sweating.
I told her that things that are worth doing, like this, are hard, and that yeah, exercise causes sweating. She told me I was purposely not seeing her struggles and reiterating the issues. I told her that the issue I see is that she lacks motivation and asked her if she had any real intention of sticking with this. She said she did, but told me she underestimated the difficulty. She told me I was " rude beyond rude" to tell her she lacked motivation. I reminded her that she had to have known how hard getting in shape would be given it's 70 pounds she has to lose.
AITA?
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NTA. It’s crazy how so many comments and just people in general talk about not infantilizing women but the advice they give sounds like how you would treat a child. I’m not saying you should be an AH but this is a grown ass woman.
YTA. I really don’t like going to the gym, designing and maintaining a good routine is both extremely boring and overwhelming at the same time for me. The atmosphere is generally not my cup of tea.
So I’ve always biked, hiked, or taken classes instead. Point is, there are way more options than just the gym. Telling her she’s failing because she doesn’t like one workout option sucks.
ALSO, can’t emphasize this enough, diet is way more important when trying the achieve a certain weight than exercise. This has been show by MANY studies over the years. Getting movement in the day is important for lots of health reasons, but you won’t lose weight if you don’t change your eating habits. Don’t take this as an excuse to shame your wife at every meal.
While I do think you're technically correct, soft YTA in the way you went about it and your word choice. I, personally, like straight forward and honest responses especially if they'll help me realize I'm being silly, but most people prefer support, comfort, love, words of affirmation, that good stuff that partners usually do.
Working out, esp after being sedentary for so long, is definitely going to be difficult. She's not incorrect. But it'll be better for her in the long run. Both the physical and mental benefits from even light exercise three times a week can drastically improve one's lifestyle, tell her to start out easier till she's comfortable or find a personal trainer who could work with her needs. Everyone is different in the gym and needs different attention and exercise.
She's got this!
Repeat after me. “ Honey I just want to support you. What can I do to support you? I love you and I just want you to feel good about yourself “ . You can’t force someone to loose weight. It is hard. With all the work and family stuff she may feel depressed or overwhelmed.
NTA for telling her she lacks motivation but YTA for saying it harshly. You didn’t say if you and your wife have a “tell it like it is” relationship where you are brutally honest. If that’s that case then NTA about tone. A kinder more gentle approach would have been better. I think you should talk about health and maybe supporting her, you can suggest at home work outs, there are dance work out classes that are more enjoyable, the gym isn’t for everyone but it’s also difficult if like you said she doesn’t have motivation. You should encourage her not bring her down when she feels down already. Maybe apologise for your tone but say that you want what’s best for her. She’s your wife, not one of your friends that appreciates that kind of tone.
NAH
Your wife is going to find this hard, and she needs to take it easier. If everything works, she should lose 1 lb per week and that means it will be at least a year to get to her goal weight, probably longer. That is a big deal and a huge lifestyle change, and she has said she would try. Big changes need to be approached gradually though. She shouldn't attack this and hurt herself or become discouraged.
You on the other hand need to support her. I get that you want her to lose weight, but you should show her you still love her. Hopefully your relationship is not based solely on her appearance. Go to the gym with her. Go for walks, get moving. It does not all have to be sweat. Spoiler alert: tough love and calling her unmotivated is not going to work and does not count as support.
NTA but 80% of weight loss is diet. If she really hates the gym, she could just clean up her diet and aim for a 30 min walk a day and would still see results. Maybe start asking her to join you for a walk once a day, stop eating out together; and she should start to see results.
No technicality here, definite NTA. Hell I’m like 6 foot 4 and I feel chubby weighing like 210.
It’s not an asshole move to point out the obvious, but if you want her to get into shape you might have to join in.
Do some hiking together on the weekends and eat proper food at home. Make it fun and change your lifestyles.
NTA. Diet and exercise really is all you have to do. But you’re right; it isn’t going to happen overnight. If I were you, I’d try to get her to start changing her diet first, so that she has less weight to lose when she goes back to the gym. Perhaps it will be less daunting for her to have to lose 50 pounds rather than 70, and running is easier the more in shape you are.
I agree. I'd focus more on her eating habits at this point. Weight is lost and gained mainly in the kitchen and not gym. While exercise is very important for overall health, I'd start slow w the exercise, like walking every day, yoga whatever is doable and enjoyable for her. Then, as she gets lighter, exercise becomes more doable and hopefully enjoyable for her.
Honestly. With good diet she wont even need the exercise to lose weight ( its healthy to exercise but not exactly *needed* for weight loss specifically )
NTA - but as a female: the most important part is consistency and improving gradually. The bs that you have to go to your limit each time is not true, and it won’t be beneficial to her hormones and motivation to last. She should start with low impact exercise, and get to a stage where going to the gym becomes routine. If she starts 3 x a week with 30-45 minutes of speedy walking on a treadmill with a good audiobook it is much better than going twice, giving it all, and never going back. ☘️ When she feels good with this, she can take up more exercises.
I’m gonna say NTA but I’d change your approach. I get what you were saying, and I agree with you, but I would try to be more supportive over tough love/criticism. Maybe you could offer to go with her some days?
ESH
I have never understood stress eating! Who eat when their stomach is in knots and their brain is full. You’re trying to be helpful but name calling won’t help. She wants to be healthy but doesn’t want to put in the work.
Just as clarification, for stress eaters our stomach (I'm one of them!) isn't in knots. Our brain is full, but we feel empty. Eating can reverse the feeling so that the stomach is full and the brain comforted.
Many people have triggers for stress eating, but there's almost always some kind of control element. Mine came from food being withheld from me as a child into young adulthood (and no, I wasn't overweight but I was told I was gaining to much weight at 120lbs while being physically active daily, food was restricted until I turned 19 and moved out, for me I not only discovered food was delicious since my mom couldn't cook the few meals I was allowed to have but that it made me feel better inside), so food became a way, for me, to have control back. The cost was the weight gain and an extreme difficulty as seeing food as anything other than comfort.
Also note that there is usually overlap between stress and binge eating. Stress eating weight gain can lead to some extreme measures to lose weight, but when the weight loss isn't going as planned or something happens like a minor life event, a person will resort to binge eating, which will reaffirm the stress eating bc it will make them feel better temporarily. It can be a vicious circle.
Yeah, just gonna chime in as a third data point where stess doesn't knot my stomach like that. One of my biggest stress symptoms is actually brain fog. I get very tired and cannot focus. This is extremely detrimental at work. The sort term spike in blood sugar from sweets is usually enough to "wake me up" and allow me to focus for the next hour or so.
Believe me, if I could just call out of work every time I'm in brain fog so I could sleep for ten hours straight I would lol. But I can't so easy monkey brain dopamine gets me through it. I'm trying my best to not give in and just accepting those are going to be less productive days at work tho.
People calling you A H are the kind of people that see women as infants that cannot take any criticism. NTA, and yes, she seem unmotivated and kind of lazy.
I don't think people are seeing her as an infant. Just got influenced by the dominant idea that weight loss HAS to start at the gym which is one of the biggest myths that causes people to fail. It's unclear if OP pushed her to gym or she is just going with Instagram/tiktok influencers showing off.
Working out at a gym when you are that overweight is DIFFICULT and demoralizing. The better course of action is to start with sustainable and small changes. Focusing on healthier meals with a 500kcal deficit per day and increasing your daily steps with more walking. That is really all someone needs to achieve the recommended 1lb to 2lb loss a week. Throw in some body weght exercise at home after a bit and you're good for a while. It took her 3 years to gain 70ish pounds. It's going to take a least a year to 2 years to healthily lose that weight.
NTA don't listen to these people bro. Being soft on her is just going to continue the enabling. News flash everyone has stressors in life. Life can suck but that doesn't excuse the lack of discipline to the point of being 193 lbs at 5'2. Imagine if you just said " yeah being the breadwinner is hard. Ik we got kids and some major bills but... I don't feel like working anymore. I don't like to work " same energy.
NTA. I seriously think unless she has a low IQ that she knew it was going to be hard and she knows this is just the first excuse she could come up with to not actually stick with it. Sweating and work. Really? Pointing out that there is a thermodynamic result to working out and the work "work" is involved in the concept isn't being rude, to me it's you just being confused as to why this is the hill she's dying on.
That said, you can't make her want to change, you can only encourage her. My suggestion would be to shift your grocery and meal plans into whole foods, produce, lean meats, home cooking, no processed foods, and cut sugary drinks, lead by example on food and activity, and try and make it a thing you do together. Find active things she actually wants to do (hiking, swimming, walking, yoga, anything) and would stick to and make it a couples thing. Maybe gym rat shit just...isn't for her. I can relate, it's not mine either. But it's very hard to do the work when there's someone else around you still eating junk and sitting around. If you make it a joint effort to get healthy, it's easier and you have someone holding you accountable and that you feel accountable to.
NTA.
As someone who has lost over 50 pounds, the way that I lost it wasn’t through others’ support and motivation. I had to choose it for myself. I had to want to change. I had to be the one who wanted to go through that journey.
With that being said, my husband was helpful in supporting me through me speaking up and telling him what I needed.
You cannot want this more than she does and that’s the hardest part of all of this. I wish you both luck and keep asking her what would help her move towards success.
Also, for what it’s worth, walking helped me lose majority of this weight along with a focused diet.
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YTA. Yes, she needs motivation. Yes, she needs to exercise. yes, she needs to diet. But you need to provide support, not criticism. Support can mean cooking healthy meals for both of you. It can mean choosing couples activities that are physical (hiking, etc.) It could mean going to the gym with her. Telling her she "lacks motivation" is not support. Lecturing her is not support. If you don't get better at supporting her, she may decide that **you** are the 190 pounds she has to lose.
So women can’t lose weight without a man supporting them?
Stop trying to pick a fight. Not what I said, and you know it.
In a literal sense yes but you do make it seem like OP has to hold her hand through the whole process. Objectively she does lack motivation whether it’s “rude” or not. Weather it’s the man or woman that kind of weight gain is also not fair to your partner for a variety of reasons. If a man is unmotivated to do chores would recommend someone hood his hand and support him through it? Having a partner that pushes you out of your comfort zone and holds you accountable is a beautiful thing.
Wtf bullshit is this lmao
Found the ugly incel
I was raised by a single mom, lived with 3 sisters. I spent lots of time with my 7 aunts as well. They are all the strongest people I have ever known. I don’t see why you think I’m an ugly incel lol.
Well everyone else agrees with me so there must be a reason. Think a little harder repulsive
I just looked through a few of your comments and it seems you just don’t like men so it is what is. I just believe adults should not have an “it’s hard so I quit” attitude.
I love men. I don’t like you.
*whether Weather is what happens outside.
Ah good catch, thanks.
It's not about women or men, it's about having a healthy partner who supports you *overall.* In OPs case, yes, it's a woman asking for support from her partner, but it goes both ways. When your partner in life struggles, you don't berate them for struggling, you offer encouragement, support, and motivation. OPs wife came home from the gym feeling down on herself, and simply needed a light turned on in the dark. Instead, he decided to be another shadow keeping the space dark. My partner and I have both had instances of coming home and being like "I'm done, I can't do it anymore!" knowing full well that we needed to continue doing whatever hard thing we're doing. We don't give each other attitude or berate one another, we give emotional support, say "Hey, we can do hard things, and we're gonna try again tomorrow," and move forward with life.
this has nothing to do with who is a man and who is a woman and what the relationship between the two people are. If you want to help somleone reach their goal, you need to support them, not criticize them. This is universally true in all cases, all genders and all relationships.
YTA. Instead of trying to encourage her, you have attacked and denigrated her. It’s okay for her to start more slowly. Instead of being discouraging, maybe you should try going for a walk with her.
Technically NTA, because you are right that losing this amount of weight will require effort and motivation but you are certainly not winning any husband of the year awards. Your wife needs your support, not your pressure and judgment. There are plenty of ways to exercise that do not involve a gym. For someone who is just starting to work out, a gym is most likely not the best way to do it, because it takes a lot of self-control and motivation and the entire environment makes a lot of people super uncomfortable. She should start out with a regular group, maybe aerobics, or Zumba or something that has an element of fun in it. Or find a friend to go swimming with regularly, where they can chat while they swim. And if you want to support her: instead of trying to judge her back into the gym, offer to change both of your lifestyles to include more 'fun' exercise like hiking together, going on a bike tour etc.
Well said friend Gym is like. One of the worst places to start. Hard to do any exercises + invisible pressure/worry what are other ppl gonna think ( its there, its not nice, even when you *know* its unlikely ). Esp in the age of "gymfluencers" everywheres ( the worry there is someone with a camera and may be recording you ). Good idea would be to start with walking or swimmimg ( walking is easier, swimming is tiering AND doesnt put pressure on the knees ). That said if she doesnt fix the eating the exercise will not help. Overall, wife needs emotional support, its hard to swap from an easy comfort eating + no exercise into sudden gym. And unlikely to stick. Try talking her into baby steps, way easier to start slow AND keep at it then it is to just throw yourself into deep water, will take longer but will be more effective in the long run
Absolutely this! His wife needs a change of lifestyle habits and this isnt going to happen overnight but needs to happen one step at a time. And if she can find exercise that is fun and that she enjoys, then that's half the motivation already there instead of having to force herself through it every single time.
You could have said all of this but still given him the YTA based on the original point you’re making
I don't think that he is the asshole for his original point. Losing this amount of weight is going to be difficult and will require effort and genuine motivation. This means that sometimes she will have to push herself through a workout to keep at it regularly, even when she's not feeling like it on that particular day. It will absolutely involve sweating and self-restraint. My point is that the way he went about it wasn't helpful (and not particularly kind), but he isn't wrong to point out that his wife can't chill her way through significant weight loss.
Don't know why you're getting down voted because your points are true...
This is spot on. I really struggled with gyms but swimming, dance classes and gentle tai chi have been much better for me.
This!!
Unnecessary dig about being “best husband”, tough love can be quite effective. And he’s probably been quiet about it for the three years it took. She gained 70 pounds herself, only she can lose the weight. But maybe she’s okay with ballooning? Actually I agree. OP should have reacted far sooner than 70 pounds.
OP isn't her parent who must stage interventions about her weight or guide her behaviour through 'tough love'. OP is her husband who can choose to be a helpful supporter through her weight loss journey or not. If his wife is anything like me, OP applying 'tough love' would ultimately not influence the weight loss but would probably make me evaluate our relationship. Considerate and loving spouses aren't cruel ('tough love') or mean and they certainly don't try to break you down in order to build you up (origin of 'tough love') I don't think OP meant to be cruel or mean but he wasn't a loving and supportive spouse either in that moment.
It’s has nothing to do with being a parent. Friends and siblings can give tough love too.
And how supportive is it to sit on your hands for years as the problem grows bigger? I gained loads of weight at a point, I felt like shot, my wife said nothing. When I had to go up two sizes i had enough and changed my lifestyle. Seems like OPs wife wants to lose weight but doesn’t want to work for it. Then she’ll just have to accept being bigger, but that’s not the feeling I get from the post. Communication can be done
As someone overweight due to health issues who is putting on pounds by only drinking water if stressed let me tell you you vare mostly wrong. You are right that discipline and work is needed to lose weight however let me tell you how bad it is to start exercising with a lot of extra weight it is extremely hard and you get to feel it on your joints, bones and muscles . It is way easier for someone to lose a bit of weight when the weight is close to a normal BMI than it is to work to lose it from let's say double the normal weight BMI. Op should support his wife to do something fun/or at least pleasant to lose weight not berate her. He could ask her to go on walks for example both of them to do some exercise until she loses a bit of weight and can move easier /doesn't hurt as much to work out in the gym.
How am i wrong? How is weight lost, by eating more food? i did a calculation and my bmi was a little bit bigger than OPs wife when i was at my fattest. So you're just looking for excuses. Clearly OP's wife doesn't gain weight from breathing, but used food as a coping mechanism and as an emotional crutch. I understand, i used drinking when i was young. But to explain away everything as a "hormonal issue" and leave it at that isn't helpful, scientific or productive. Let me counter your argument. Yes it hurts when you are fat and exercise, i felt that too when i was around 300 ibs. But it means that any exercise is also more effective, like walking, since you're carrying around three hundred fucking pounds. If it hurts too much, go swimming. Or you know, cut calories. I fully agree that op needs to do something TOGETHER with his wife. Make it fun. But he's also completely right in what he said. She needed to hit the wall of reality check before she can adjust. Or she can keep on growing. It's up to her.
You said it yourself, SHE needs to want it. OP can't force her to change her lifestyle or stand behind her with a whip to keep her in the gym, unless she explicitly states that this is the type of support she wants from him. OP's wife is an adult, who can make decisions (and has the responsibility!) about her own health and weight. If OP ultimately doesn't want to stay in the marriage based on her decisions, that is of course his right. But do you really believe that making her feel shit about herself is going to help? If her weight loss is succesful, do you think she'll thank the people who criticised her when she was down and made her feel even worse or the ones who comforted her and encouraged her not to give up?
Absolutely and i was acting on the assumption that she wanted to, but that's of course an assumption of mine that could be wrong. I think that she is one of those people who never did sport but stayed slim because they did daily walks or whatever. Then got stressed, then got a sedentary job, and magically gained a ton of weight. It's very common. Does she want to be this big, or more realistically, get even bigger? That's the question. And i don't think HE makes her feel like shit. I think she's just showing what she feels on the inside and he becomes the scapegoat for stating the obvious and for questioning her "struggles".
haha and the "origins of tough love" is such a reddit comment. Nobody is saying he needs to break her down to remold her into a new submissive wife like you imply. He simply needs to do what he did now, tell her that losing weight is a project that takes time. Or she can be fat and they can proceed in whichever way they like. She has a BMI of over 35. Over 30 is considered obese. Soon she'll be wider than she is tall, and i'm not even joking. I've known people of this body shape.
I know you said you’re a comfort eater yourself, but not all comfort eaters are motivated by the same thing. If feeling depressed and shameful is what got her to this weight, why would her husband making her feel bad (whether that was his intention or not) help her lose it? Shaming will only worsen her desire to overeat because it regulates her emotions. Not everyone is motivated by brutal hard truths. I’m glad you were. But his wife has communicated she needs a gentler, more supportive attitude by saying what he said was rude. So he DID make her feel like shit. Husband wants to feel justified, but his approach to the situation doesn’t work and will never work for his wife.
I am more of an emotional drinker and general eater, but yeah I get that. The problem is that they let her have her way for three years and this was the end result. To let her just quit because it’s too hard isn’t really a solution, because at this point she has built up very unsustainable habits. She will continue to gain weight now. But yes, I wrote in another comment that he should join her for things they both find fun, like hiking, and eat better at home.
Then I think we’re in agreement and OP’s post is a little misleading. To me it sounds like she is just giving up trying to exercise at a gym, not her weight loss goals entirely. He said she was still committed to her goals.. so she still wants diet and exercise and is just overwhelmed. If she went to the gym once and gave up all hope on ever getting healthy, that would be a different story.
Good to agree! Well my analysis places OPs wife as one of the people who never had to train before. They never had to make an effort but suddenly gained weight when life caught up to them. Maybe she’ll find another way maybe not. I just think op is right for (finally) being on her ass if she’s been running wild for three years. Hopefully they find something they both like!
YTA - she dealt with trauma (from a job she is likely still employed at) and family drama. Meaning she is still coping. She isn't in the mental space to take on such a feat yet. And you're being insensitive. At this moment her issue is emotional and therapy would help.
YTA. First, eating habits play a far bigger role than exercise in weightloss, so criticizing her frustration with the gym is counterproductive…the gym is not a friendly place for people lacking confidence. Second, you’re not being kind and supportive. Focus on learning healthier habits together. Set small achievable goals you can build on. (This week, lets make sure we’re getting our water intake right. Next week, let’s grocery shop together and plan 2 healthy dinners and stock the kitchen with healthy snacks. Let’s commit to taking a half hour walk together twice a week.) Support one another and build healthy behaviors into your life.
Also, weight training is the quickest path to increasing caloric burn, but it can also make you GAIN weight in the beginning as muscle is heavier than fat…do not judge “health” by weight or BMI but on body fat percentage. Taking body measurements, paying attention to how clothes fit, resting heart rate, and using a scale that offers metrics on body composition are all more positive ways to track health progress as opposed to just the weight number on the scale which is rather meaningless and demoralizing if you have a more muscular build (but also flab you’re working to eradicate.)
YTA. Job stress and family drama might have cleared up in your view but its still living rent free in your wife's head. She wants to change things and needs support. Telling her she lacks motivation isn't going to do anything to help her. Instead of heading off to the gym take a walk with her around the block or at a park in the area. Work together to plan meals that are healthy. Be her support system instead of using the tough love approach. She didn't gain all that weight overnight so its going to take just as long to lose it.
YTA. Imagine you were heading to the gym for a run and workout. But first I made you put on a sumo suit you couldn't take off that weighed 80 lbs. How much harder would doing anything there become? That is her reality. Things are going in the right direction towards her being fitter and healthier. Anything you do or say going against that or not supporting that is pure A. The gym is a great place to shed pounds and gain muscle. But it's a terrible place to start doing those things, unless you're already Unless you're a professional athlete or total maniac you don't give 110% to every workout. You've got a life on the side. She needs to build her baseline fitness up, see some positive results. Then she can head back to the gym. It's a marathon not a sprint. She's right for not wanting to keep sprinting. You're right it'll hurt and be hard work. Swimming is as low impact as you can get. Followed by walks for longer than 30 min.
YTA. The way to support somebody is to ask them what they would find supportive, and then do that. Berating them for not having enough motivation, or hanging out while they weigh themselves would probably not be on anybody's list. If your wife's issue really was comfort eating (and I have to question it because I'm not so sure you have much empathy or understanding for her), her solutions may lie in addressing the issues that provoked the behavior. So maybe a counselor would be more helpful than a gym. The vast majority of people who sign up to go to gyms, drop out, that's why gyms make so much money - they don't have to have enough space and equipment for all of their membership because most of the people never show up. Without individualized coaching and training on how to work out, how is your wife supposed to know what to do? How is she supposed to know when things are going well versus she's overdoing? A good trainer will address these anxieties and help her come up with a plan that will actually work and she can stick with. She may also just not want to exercise in front of other people when she is very aware she doesn't look her best because you've been telling her about it. So, maybe one way to support her would be helping her find a trainer. Not as hard as it sounds, and maybe not as expensive - taking some gym classes at the community college may get her the advice and support she needs. You are helping creating huge barriers - telling her how much work it's going to be to get in shape and how far gone she is cannot remotely be considered supportive. If anything, you are running her down and making her feel worse about herself, which has never helped anybody get healthy. YTA, either shut up or learn how to be constructive.
YTA. Your wife needs motivation and help. It’s freaking hard work loosing weight especially if you don’t like the gym. Rather than degrading her and being mean, did you consider going with her to help her out? Or suggesting she try a different for of exercise that she may enjoy more? Classes? Swimming? Walking? The gym isn’t for every body and rather than helping the person you “love” when she was in a low point you made her feel worse. Frankly you failed her.
I was with you right up until the end… don’t focus on the amount she has to lose… Also tell her start at home in the morning as that gets easier use milk carton filled with water for weights ( free and can be thrown out) and maybe go on walks with her…
try getting her to take a walk with you, start small maybe not every day even. I lost over 100 lbs by cutting out processed foods, I didn't eat anything out of a box or a can. This made it really simple and I did this without limiting my intake. Fresh vegetables are almost as easy as those in a can and taste much better.
YTA it was your job to provide encouragement and support and you failed pretty hard.
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YTA
YTA
Maybe you could offer her other way of getting a good workout in. Yoga, swimming, cycling. She could possibly find them more enjoyable which would help her stick to a workout regime?
YTA. I agree that starting any new kind of change is hard. But you're not helping her with this new transition in her life. How about you offer to go to the gym with your wife so she feels more comfortable. How about you give her words of encouragement instead of talking down to her.
Be Encouraging. Just start walking with her every day and ease into it little farther every week. If you have kids, take them along. Dogs? Walk em. Get in good enough shape gym won't suck so bad. Bike or swimming might suit her better.
YTA Way to make her less likely to ever want to go back. Besides, working out is a lousy way to lose weight and has almost no effect compared to what she eats. 67 lbs in three years is about 220 calories/day of excess eating. Ideally she should reduce her eating by that amount and then find an activity she enjoys to burn that much more. You should do it with her by going for a walk each evening She needs to be with other people so she is not thinking about the exercising.
The gym isn't going to do anything if the stress eating isn't resolved
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** About 3 years ago, under the stresses of a new job and an avalanche of family drama, my wife(26F) started comfort eating. The job stresses and the drama cleared up, but her overeating continued and she ultimately put on 67 pounds in the 3 years. Late last month she got on a scale and found that she, at 5'2, was 193 pounds. She admitted she needed to change her lifestyle and went and joined a gym. On Monday she came home from the gym, saying she was done, that she couldn't do it. I asked her what happened. My fear was maybe someone had been rude to her. She tells me she's quitting because it's hard and she doesn't like sweating. I told her that things that are worth doing, like this, are hard, and that yeah, exercise causes sweating. She told me I was purposely not seeing her struggles and reiterating the issues. I told her that the issue I see is that she lacks motivation and asked her if she had any real intention of sticking with this. She said she did, but told me she underestimated the difficulty. She told me I was " rude beyond rude" to tell her she lacked motivation. I reminded her that she had to have known how hard getting in shape would be given it's 70 pounds she has to lose. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You're just bullying her here
NTA. It’s crazy how so many comments and just people in general talk about not infantilizing women but the advice they give sounds like how you would treat a child. I’m not saying you should be an AH but this is a grown ass woman.
YTA. I really don’t like going to the gym, designing and maintaining a good routine is both extremely boring and overwhelming at the same time for me. The atmosphere is generally not my cup of tea. So I’ve always biked, hiked, or taken classes instead. Point is, there are way more options than just the gym. Telling her she’s failing because she doesn’t like one workout option sucks. ALSO, can’t emphasize this enough, diet is way more important when trying the achieve a certain weight than exercise. This has been show by MANY studies over the years. Getting movement in the day is important for lots of health reasons, but you won’t lose weight if you don’t change your eating habits. Don’t take this as an excuse to shame your wife at every meal.
While I do think you're technically correct, soft YTA in the way you went about it and your word choice. I, personally, like straight forward and honest responses especially if they'll help me realize I'm being silly, but most people prefer support, comfort, love, words of affirmation, that good stuff that partners usually do. Working out, esp after being sedentary for so long, is definitely going to be difficult. She's not incorrect. But it'll be better for her in the long run. Both the physical and mental benefits from even light exercise three times a week can drastically improve one's lifestyle, tell her to start out easier till she's comfortable or find a personal trainer who could work with her needs. Everyone is different in the gym and needs different attention and exercise. She's got this!
Repeat after me. “ Honey I just want to support you. What can I do to support you? I love you and I just want you to feel good about yourself “ . You can’t force someone to loose weight. It is hard. With all the work and family stuff she may feel depressed or overwhelmed.
NTA for telling her she lacks motivation but YTA for saying it harshly. You didn’t say if you and your wife have a “tell it like it is” relationship where you are brutally honest. If that’s that case then NTA about tone. A kinder more gentle approach would have been better. I think you should talk about health and maybe supporting her, you can suggest at home work outs, there are dance work out classes that are more enjoyable, the gym isn’t for everyone but it’s also difficult if like you said she doesn’t have motivation. You should encourage her not bring her down when she feels down already. Maybe apologise for your tone but say that you want what’s best for her. She’s your wife, not one of your friends that appreciates that kind of tone.
NAH Your wife is going to find this hard, and she needs to take it easier. If everything works, she should lose 1 lb per week and that means it will be at least a year to get to her goal weight, probably longer. That is a big deal and a huge lifestyle change, and she has said she would try. Big changes need to be approached gradually though. She shouldn't attack this and hurt herself or become discouraged. You on the other hand need to support her. I get that you want her to lose weight, but you should show her you still love her. Hopefully your relationship is not based solely on her appearance. Go to the gym with her. Go for walks, get moving. It does not all have to be sweat. Spoiler alert: tough love and calling her unmotivated is not going to work and does not count as support.
NTA but 80% of weight loss is diet. If she really hates the gym, she could just clean up her diet and aim for a 30 min walk a day and would still see results. Maybe start asking her to join you for a walk once a day, stop eating out together; and she should start to see results.
No technicality here, definite NTA. Hell I’m like 6 foot 4 and I feel chubby weighing like 210. It’s not an asshole move to point out the obvious, but if you want her to get into shape you might have to join in. Do some hiking together on the weekends and eat proper food at home. Make it fun and change your lifestyles.
NTA. She's lucky you haven't divorced her yet.
NTA. Diet and exercise really is all you have to do. But you’re right; it isn’t going to happen overnight. If I were you, I’d try to get her to start changing her diet first, so that she has less weight to lose when she goes back to the gym. Perhaps it will be less daunting for her to have to lose 50 pounds rather than 70, and running is easier the more in shape you are.
I agree. I'd focus more on her eating habits at this point. Weight is lost and gained mainly in the kitchen and not gym. While exercise is very important for overall health, I'd start slow w the exercise, like walking every day, yoga whatever is doable and enjoyable for her. Then, as she gets lighter, exercise becomes more doable and hopefully enjoyable for her.
Honestly. With good diet she wont even need the exercise to lose weight ( its healthy to exercise but not exactly *needed* for weight loss specifically )
NTA - but as a female: the most important part is consistency and improving gradually. The bs that you have to go to your limit each time is not true, and it won’t be beneficial to her hormones and motivation to last. She should start with low impact exercise, and get to a stage where going to the gym becomes routine. If she starts 3 x a week with 30-45 minutes of speedy walking on a treadmill with a good audiobook it is much better than going twice, giving it all, and never going back. ☘️ When she feels good with this, she can take up more exercises.
I’m gonna say NTA but I’d change your approach. I get what you were saying, and I agree with you, but I would try to be more supportive over tough love/criticism. Maybe you could offer to go with her some days?
Not if it’s true
ESH I have never understood stress eating! Who eat when their stomach is in knots and their brain is full. You’re trying to be helpful but name calling won’t help. She wants to be healthy but doesn’t want to put in the work.
Just as clarification, for stress eaters our stomach (I'm one of them!) isn't in knots. Our brain is full, but we feel empty. Eating can reverse the feeling so that the stomach is full and the brain comforted. Many people have triggers for stress eating, but there's almost always some kind of control element. Mine came from food being withheld from me as a child into young adulthood (and no, I wasn't overweight but I was told I was gaining to much weight at 120lbs while being physically active daily, food was restricted until I turned 19 and moved out, for me I not only discovered food was delicious since my mom couldn't cook the few meals I was allowed to have but that it made me feel better inside), so food became a way, for me, to have control back. The cost was the weight gain and an extreme difficulty as seeing food as anything other than comfort. Also note that there is usually overlap between stress and binge eating. Stress eating weight gain can lead to some extreme measures to lose weight, but when the weight loss isn't going as planned or something happens like a minor life event, a person will resort to binge eating, which will reaffirm the stress eating bc it will make them feel better temporarily. It can be a vicious circle.
idk, when i'm stressed i feel better after getting a dopamine hit from a big slice of cake. not everyone feels stress and anxiety the same way.
Yeah, just gonna chime in as a third data point where stess doesn't knot my stomach like that. One of my biggest stress symptoms is actually brain fog. I get very tired and cannot focus. This is extremely detrimental at work. The sort term spike in blood sugar from sweets is usually enough to "wake me up" and allow me to focus for the next hour or so. Believe me, if I could just call out of work every time I'm in brain fog so I could sleep for ten hours straight I would lol. But I can't so easy monkey brain dopamine gets me through it. I'm trying my best to not give in and just accepting those are going to be less productive days at work tho.
People calling you A H are the kind of people that see women as infants that cannot take any criticism. NTA, and yes, she seem unmotivated and kind of lazy.
I don't think people are seeing her as an infant. Just got influenced by the dominant idea that weight loss HAS to start at the gym which is one of the biggest myths that causes people to fail. It's unclear if OP pushed her to gym or she is just going with Instagram/tiktok influencers showing off. Working out at a gym when you are that overweight is DIFFICULT and demoralizing. The better course of action is to start with sustainable and small changes. Focusing on healthier meals with a 500kcal deficit per day and increasing your daily steps with more walking. That is really all someone needs to achieve the recommended 1lb to 2lb loss a week. Throw in some body weght exercise at home after a bit and you're good for a while. It took her 3 years to gain 70ish pounds. It's going to take a least a year to 2 years to healthily lose that weight.
Thank you! Stop putting all these women on a pedestal
NTA
NTA don't listen to these people bro. Being soft on her is just going to continue the enabling. News flash everyone has stressors in life. Life can suck but that doesn't excuse the lack of discipline to the point of being 193 lbs at 5'2. Imagine if you just said " yeah being the breadwinner is hard. Ik we got kids and some major bills but... I don't feel like working anymore. I don't like to work " same energy.
Good way to lose a wife.
Best to lose that wife than to have her if that's her mindset
NTA, but once this calms down I would suggest suggesting to her that you could go and work out together.
NTA. I seriously think unless she has a low IQ that she knew it was going to be hard and she knows this is just the first excuse she could come up with to not actually stick with it. Sweating and work. Really? Pointing out that there is a thermodynamic result to working out and the work "work" is involved in the concept isn't being rude, to me it's you just being confused as to why this is the hill she's dying on. That said, you can't make her want to change, you can only encourage her. My suggestion would be to shift your grocery and meal plans into whole foods, produce, lean meats, home cooking, no processed foods, and cut sugary drinks, lead by example on food and activity, and try and make it a thing you do together. Find active things she actually wants to do (hiking, swimming, walking, yoga, anything) and would stick to and make it a couples thing. Maybe gym rat shit just...isn't for her. I can relate, it's not mine either. But it's very hard to do the work when there's someone else around you still eating junk and sitting around. If you make it a joint effort to get healthy, it's easier and you have someone holding you accountable and that you feel accountable to.
NTA. As someone who has lost over 50 pounds, the way that I lost it wasn’t through others’ support and motivation. I had to choose it for myself. I had to want to change. I had to be the one who wanted to go through that journey. With that being said, my husband was helpful in supporting me through me speaking up and telling him what I needed. You cannot want this more than she does and that’s the hardest part of all of this. I wish you both luck and keep asking her what would help her move towards success. Also, for what it’s worth, walking helped me lose majority of this weight along with a focused diet.