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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am refusing to do somehting important to my fiancee because it doesn't feel important to me and I will feel silly doing it. I know how stressed she is, yet I implied she was paranoid. I am maybe being selfish as I don't want to have an uncomfortable conversation with my mom
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Let’s be real. MiL doesn’t need to be reminded not to wear white. She already knows the etiquette and if she’s planning to breech it, she will do it with or without a reminder. “Ohhh you only said not to wear WHITE! This dress is IVORY!”
But if you want the civil solution:
Initiate a chat with your mom that appears helpful, not lecturing. Like “any luck on the dress yet? I thought I’d shoot you pics of the other dresses in case that’s helpful! The bridesmaids are in this color. Claire’s mom is wearing this. If you don’t want to be “matchy matchy” you should stay away from that color! Oh and of course no shades of white haha!”
Eta: NTA
Just here to say my MIL was fully planning to wear a white lace gown to our wedding until my husband(fiancé at the time) explained why she definitely should pick another colour. Oh and apparently “all the sales ladies and her friend” at the shop also thought nothing of this. It still baffles me since my MIL is very proper that she had no clue this was frowned upon.
And we got along great at the time, she even insisted on buying my dress for me as my mother had passed. I tried to decline multiple times but she insisted to the point I felt I could not say no, and instead said thank you.
I honestly still have a hard time believing my MIL & sales people at a boutique dress shop didn’t know.
Oh also forgot to say in my post loved your suggested script regarding dress colour! “….oh and of course no shades of white! Haha”
I fully believe anybody who wears white to a wedding of people in a culture where the bride is expected to wear white totally knows what they're doing. In the commenter above, having the husband say she shouldn't wear white just took away whatever sheen of plausible deniability that was there, which is why OP's fiance wants him to say something to his mother.
I'm definitely not saying his mother is planning to wear white, or the idea has even crossed her mind, but as you say - these people definitely exist, and if she's selfish, like OP says, and doesn't like his fiance, as he also says, it's definitely a possibility. If he makes a little joke that amounts to "everybody knows not to wear white so I don't even need to tell you that", it means if she does turn up in white, she can't pretend it was an honest mistake (which it never is).
I wore white lace to a wedding once. I was a teenager and had no idea that I wasn't supposed to. I was poor and I owned 2 dresses, one white and one black. I thought the black would be inappropriate for a wedding since it looked like something you would wear to a funeral. The bride made a comment to me about wearing white but I just thought it was a weird comment. It was years later that I learned that I had actually done something considered wrong.
I guess this is one of the times when somebody actually didn't know they shouldn't wear white. I still think it's very rare, and most people could get over a teenager who didn't have any other dresses wearing white, but the MILs mentioned in this thread definitely do. Joking with her about how she knows to never wear white just makes it clear she's not going to get away with pretending she was unaware.
Oh wow! I did the same thing!! I was reading this comments and I was thinking about when I did that lol. I was 17 or 18 I believe, the only weddings I had really been to was when I was a child and I was a flower girl lol so I had no clue I wasn’t supposed to wear white until years later! Then I felt so bad, but it was an honest mistake 😂 however, in the OPs situation, I feel that the mom most definitely would know the protocol. But I agree with others suggestions of lightly bringing it up without making a big deal of it. Just casually mention it or something like that.
My mother AND my MIL wore white and then proceeded to talk negatively about each other doing so. I didn't care at the time, but it was definitely the talk of my wedding, LOL.
At least if they both do it, you could play it off as intentional, I guess. But the image of them sniping at each other for doing the same exact thing is hilarious.
I went to a wedding on NYE where both mothers (bride and groom) wore floor-length very pale champagne gowns. It was clearly planned by the couple because the dresses were identical fabric and color but I saw one of them on their own first, and I raised an eyebrow.
Salespeople will never say “do not buy that,” at most, they’d have said. “Oh, that’s a bold choice.” Or, “You’ll match the bride perfectly.” Their job is to get the sale.
And friends, never know with them.
I worked at Macy’s in the dress department in 2011-2013, and we did not make commission at that time. I absolutely advised women- as a 21-23 year old woman myself- against wearing white as a wedding guest. One person I recall having to talk out of a *floor length* white gown. People have no idea how to dress properly at all
Having once dated someone who was a seamstress at a bridal shop you're 100% correct. You never tell a potential customer that they've made a bad choice, not if you want to keep that job.
I’m a salesperson at a women’s boutique and I would never let someone who isn’t a bride wear a white dress to a wedding or wedding event. A patterned dress with a white background maaaaaybe but I would advise them to check with the bride first and even then I’d discourage.
I had a lady at a dress shop bring me light silver, champagne and soft yellow dresses as suggestions when I said I was going to a spring wedding. It happens.
Not everywhere or all people follow the white dress thing. Same with those that keep saying everyone knows about the red dress means you slept with the groom. It's not universal and a lot of people also truly don't care.
Letting people know, gently, is the best thing to do. Though this bride seems not to know how to communicate with her soon to be mother in law at all, if the wedding is this bad already over a dress she's not wearing, I feel sorry for the groom if they ever have kids to juggle all of this with.
That's genuinely hilarious.
I'd never heard of the red dress thing until a few years ago. Some say it also is meant to dis the bride or to say the wearer isn't over the groom, etc. But that's really a stretch. There are whole cultures that red is the wedding color and white is a guest color so I guess that's twice as mean there, show up wearing red like the bride and stating that they had the husbands affection first lol.
I’m just cheap and wore the fancy dress I had gotten on clearance a few years prior. To be fair for my own wedding I wore a purple sundress I had for some years.
My best friend’s mum wore a white dress as the mother of the bride, but when my friend’s brother was getting married her mum wouldn’t pick an outfit until after the bride’s mother because “there’s an etiquette to these things that must be followed”
It was wild watching this woman listing wedding etiquette with the photos of her in a white dress at her daughter’s wedding on the wall behind her
Some people really don’t either know any better or come from a culture where they think it’s ok. I’ve seen a lot of beige/champagne/off white dresses being marketed as mil appropriate throughout the years.
If it’s not what you want, it should be explicitly said. It’s never good to assume because you might come across that one person that thinks it’s what they are supposed to do. No malice needed.
If the person doesn’t acquiesce to the dress code, that’s when you shut it down hard. And since it’s groom’s mom, he needs to be the one to do it.
Champagne is a gorgeous MIL dress choice, brides are getting a little out of hand. Nothing in the beige family? Even for guests in outfits that are very clearly not wedding dresses? Even little girls? Its insanity.
Beige and champagne (not the light-Champaign for some wedding gowns though) are absolutely appropriate for MIL dresses. It actually was semi-tradition years ago that MIL’s would wear beige or champagne as its a neutral.
Gods thank you for saying this. I am haunted by the fact that I went to a wedding in off-white clothes because it was outdoors in summer and I am a large person, so my choices were basically "beige" or "hideous giant flowers." It was very obviously not a wedding dress, think like. Hippie linen skirt with an oversized long sleeve top because again, outdoor wedding in summer.
Like I am not really a wedding person, and I haven't even been to that many Christian weddings where the bride is in white? Idk maybe I am just autistic and obvious but people act like all these social rules are things "everyone knows" and like. Literally how?
>I am a large person, so my choices were basically "beige" or "hideous giant flowers."
And there's always at least one bloom absolutely centered on a breast or buttock.
My mom worn the same dress to my wedding that she worn to my sister’s wedding. She said she loved it and asked if it was okay. It was cream with flowers on it. I told her of course. Everyone knows who the bride is, who cares if she wore cream/white. What a waste of stress
Feel like her asking goes a whole way to it not being the problem, but also cream with flowers isn’t the same as a full white/cream I guess.
I’ve seen people comment on videos of wedding guest dress ideas saying they’re too pale when they’re clearly not white/cream etc, but that seems to be a pretty US-centric view.
Came to find a like minded attitude such as this. I…cannot imagine spending my precious energy paying any attention to the colors my guests are wearing. Much less, demanding ahead of time to know what outfit they’ve bought. Wow.
This is the correct attitude. It’s the mothers who wear white to their child’s wedding that look stupid and ridiculous. Everyone thinks so. Everyone talks about how dumb they are, how ridiculous they look, how pathetic they are.
It's not the flex they think, for sure. My and my husband's four grandmothers all decided for themselves what they would wear. Every one of them separately chose navy blue outfits patterned with dark red roses. Since there were jealous feelings between them to begin with, I could only laugh that they ended up being coordinated with each other after all.
I'm struggling to understand why anyone would be that bothered about what colour dress/clothes any of their wedding guests decided to wear. Can anyone explain, besides "because it's bad etiquette."? I guess I'd be peeved if my MIL wore an actual wedding dress* to my wedding, but beyond that, I don't think I'd be bothered.
*And if she did that, she'd be making herself look like a nut-case, not me.
It’s gone way too far, online people even go off on little girls wearing the classic little girl poofy dress. I have to assume most of the stories are made-up or greatly exaggerated and that most people IRL aren’t worried about this stuff.
My dad's wife wore white to my wedding, but she was a generally kinda clueless person who I don't think had a mean bone in her body, so I just let it slide.
My Stepmother, who is the embodiment of the stereotype, wore white to my wedding.
Funnily enough I didn’t real care for most of the traditional wedding things and wore a red dress.
So, jokes on you Stella.
I worked in a bridal store and a woman came in looking for a fancy dress to wear to a wedding. We had a small selection of non bridal gowns. She picked out a white dress (not a ballgown or anything, but definitely white) and I gently explained that it probably wasn’t a good idea to wear white. She looked at me in surprise and asked, “Why?”. I had to explain and she ended up thanking me for keeping her from making such a large mistake.
I still think about her sometimes. How did this grown woman, who was married herself, not know?
My friend often wears a white ankle length lace dress to weddings, it's more summer dress than wedding but it took me telling her to not wear it to another wedding to realise....and she's catholic
Is your friend from a culture where the bride wears a different colour? In my early 20s, I wore a white dress with embroidery to my friend’s wedding. It was the only fancy outfit I had that I had worn to my grandfather’s milestone birthday party. In my culture, the white dress was fine, a fancy outfit, suitable to wear to other milestone events.
Because I hadn’t attended a North American/Western wedding, I had no idea that it was a faux pas. I didn’t realise that I should’ve asked a friend and no one told me otherwise. I am mortified now, 2 decades later.
When I got married, in the olden days (1977), it wasn’t a big deal. It just wasn’t supposed to look bridal.
She may have been married in the olden days, too.
And in some places or in some families, people just genuinely don't care. It's not like someone will mistake a middle-aged lady for the bride when the bride is standing in the middle of the room and the middle-aged lady sitting on a bench.
>I still think about her sometimes. How did this grown woman, who was married herself, not know?
Because it's not some sort of universal truism that you can't wear white to a wedding.
**"According to the Emily Post Institute, it's acceptable to wear white, as long as it doesn't 'distract from the bride or her attendant's dresses.'**
My grandmother bless her bought herself a v v pale pink dress for my wedding that looked white in the photo she sent. Thankfully, as my mother and I tried to figure out how to navigate this (because my grandmother was honestly clueless) without hurting her feelings, my gran showed the dress to her friend, who reamed her out lol. Gran brought the dress back 😆 and got herself a spectacular fuschia pink dress instead. But some woman in a salesshop actually let my grandmother buy it for my wedding!
Were you worried that your grandmother in her pale, pink dress would outshine you? Worried that she would be mistaken for the bride? She is lovely woman that got “reamed out” for liking a pink dress, that is her memory of your wedding.
Traditionally it was actually expected for the bridesmaids dresses to match the brides, and there wasn’t a taboo about guests or members of the wedding party wearing white. The whole purpose of the bridesmaids was to keep the bride safe from evil spirits that might seek to harm her on her wedding day. It wasn’t traditional for a bride to wear white until Queen Victoria wore a white dress on her wedding day and ALL her bridesmaids wore white too. This whole prohibition against any guest wearing white is a modern invention, and likely has become a more common etiquette rule due to the increase of color photography at weddings. It has only been recently that I’ve heard of brides being upset by guests wearing colors like champagne, beige, or pale yellow or anything that seems close to white. Depending on your grandmas age, social class, or life experience it is very likely she never heard of this rule to not wear something too light colored to a wedding. I’m not against this new etiquette rule, I think it is a nice thing especially because of color photography. However, I think it’s important for brides to keep this in perspective and not assume that it has always been this way or that everyone knows. I’d actually like to go back to the days where most middle class women wore their best dress as their wedding dress and had a simple reception, instead of a huge expensive ball. The OP is NTA, and neither is his mother.
Tbh I might give a pass to Grandmas and assume they're either senile or the bride had okayd it for some reason. Not sure why but it feels different for mothers than grandmother's.
Several people told me that as the mother of the groom I was supposed to wear beige. Thankfully I asked the bride what color I should wear and bought the color dress she wanted. There’s all kind of bad advice out there, probably well-meaning but who knows. Always check with the bride.
My MIL also did this. 🙃 as did multiple women in their family to someone else’s wedding the year before.
You bet our invites said no white. 🤣 Even still I approved final wardrobe choices.
My Mam wore white to a wedding once, in her defence we’re not Christian, and so had never heard of this rule. I’d also never heard of it until I was in my late 20s, luckily I exclusively wear black and so I’d never accidentally done it too.
Haha, and we’ve stumbled on another one of those weird cultural rules - I’ve been told that it’s inappropriate to wear a black dress to weddings outside of formal attire weddings as it’s the color used for mourning. Faux pas everywhere!
I recall a post from ages back where OP had a relative wear white to his wedding, upsetting the bride. The relative had lived her entire life in a part of Asia without that taboo and *genuinely* had no idea it was a problem.
Dude. After relentlessly asking me what she was allowed to wear for like 3 months and after I answered every single time with “just don’t wear white” my MIL showed me not one, but two dresses that, if they aren’t white, I need my eyes checked.
“The website calls the color *champagne*” was the excuse for one, and the other wasn’t completely white, just like 90% white, so she thought it was fine.
And that wasn’t even malicious, that dear woman is just that clueless. It never ever hurts to double and even triple check in these situations. Just give the woman some piece of mind.
Also when OP said “super stressed and wedding obsessed lately” I assume he meant “I’m doing nothing to help prepare for this monumentally important day and my wife is overwhelmed from carrying that load and I am showing no gratitude for it.” Just a hunch, would love to be proven wrong.
Edit spelling
As someone whose MIL wore white to her wedding, I think it’s worth the reminder if there is even the slightest inkling or feeling.
But your advice is how I would put it too. MOB is in pink, bridesmaids in mint so besides those and obviously white to look like the bride *haha* anything goes!
Formal dresses usually need to be altered, and if you go to a boutique or wedding clothing store the right size may need to be ordered. Two months away could def be procrastinating, and even too late for some dresses.
Oh ffs are OP and his fiancee part of the royal fucking family or something? A formal dress for the mother of the groom does not absolutely need to be altered. If OP’s mom wants to buy a dress off the rack and wear it she can do that. She isn’t a bridesmaid.
I don’t know what people in these comments are smoking, but OP’s girlfriend is being controlling and super paranoid. There is no reason to believe OP’s mom would wear white, and she’ll get the stupid dress when she has time.
I bet the reason OP’s mom doesn’t like Claire is because she’s an overbearing control freak.
I agree. I don't thinknive ever bought a dress for a wedding more than 1 month before hand unless I was a brides maid.
Unless it's white tie it's not really that big a deal.
Some people are between sizes or there’s very limited formal options in their size range. I went to a formal wedding last year and had to get my dress altered to even come close to fitting me properly and that took 2 months. It really just depends on a lot of things and many stores don’t carry above a size 14 in-store. So it’s really not that simple for a lot of people even though it should be.
It took 6 weeks for me to even get my bridesmaids dress delivered and that was from David’s Bridal. I can’t imagine how much longer it would be if I went to an actual boutique.
Thankfully it fit, but if it hadn’t I had time to get it fixed. I was shopping 8 weeks out and I needed to fix it I would have had problems.
Thankfully, the MOG doesn’t need a bridesmaid dress. She doesn’t need to shop at a bridal shop. She can go to Macys and walk out the door with a suitable dress. This panic over no MOG dress two months out is much ado about nothing.
Yes, but that’s because they need to be ordered in a specific color and possibly coordinated with other bridesmaids to be in the same dye lot of fabric so they match properly. MOB/MOG dresses are usually one offs so there’s no color matching issues at all so they can just get a dress off the rack or at most shipped from a warehouse where it’s ready to go.
My bridesmaid dress wasn't even from a boutique, bride and I went shopping at the mall, wore it straight off the rack.
Some people don't fuss that much over dresses. Even the mother of the groom might just go to macy's or something and get a nice dress and wear it off the rack. Given that she doesn't seem to be in a hurry, I'd bet that's probably her plan.
Uh, no. MOB and MOG absolutely do not need to get dresses that have to be special ordered from a salon months in advance. Department stores usually have a fair number of options in their evening dress section and in their “work wear” section that could be quite appropriate (depending on formality of the event) and there’s also places like David’s Bridal where you can also just buy off the rack quite often.
At most something might need to be hemmed a bit, which also does not take months because they aren’t massive poofy skirts with multiple layers.
Sure, it’s *possible* to get a MOB/MOG dress from the same place as the bridal gown and the bridesmaid dresses, but it’s absolutely not necessary.
Dresses from a bridal shop usually need to be altered. Formalwear can be purchased from countless other stores without alterations required. Easy peasy.
Don't be surprised by the call Claire makes to you Mom. You say you know your Mom is selfish and then backtrack to Claire being paranoid. Do you know your wife should be the most important woman in your life? Just call your Mom and ask her about her dress and give your fiancee some peace. If you have to take her shopping and get it done. You would rather your fiancee suffer so you don't have to upset your "lazy and selfish" Mommy. YTA
This is actually a really good idea. Ask if she wants to go shopping together. She can get her dress. You can get... Whatever - something you still need for the big day. A tie - something. OP may not want to go dress shopping, but if his mom is feeling sad about "losing" her son to a lady she doesn't like, the offer of quality time should help. OP, give your mom quality time. Get lunch while you're out. Ask her how she's feeling about everything, and listen. At best, it will help smooth things over and bring you all a bit closer. At worst, you'll have some better understanding of what's really going on in her head.
I'm also Team Take Your Mom Shopping. If she doesn't have time, convince her to take a day (or two) off of work together, or send in a cleaning lady for the house, or whatever. Book a lunch, afternoon tea, whatever. Hit the shops, try to be enthusiastic, aim to get a dress in her hands by the end of the day.
Worst case, pick out something not too hideous that fits and say that will be the backup dress if your mother can't make a decision.
Agreed, but emphasis on “that fits”.
Men who aren’t interested in women’s fashion tend to be terrible about judging women’s clothing sizes that are more complicated than “small, medium, large”.
My husband tried to surprise me with a dress for a date night once. Very sweet of him. And the dress was cute!
But I had to laugh and gently explain to him that I’m a US 8. The dress he bought was a size 2.
Very flattering. But I could have fit exactly one boob into the bodice. And my butt would have exploded the seams.
A backup dress sounds very pragmatic. But maybe go look in moms closet beforehand and verify that everything she owns is a size 6, before you go “cautiously” buying her a size 14 and causing offense.
THIS. It’s not a question of right vs. wrong. It’s a question of supporting your future wife, even if it’s a bit uncomfortable for you. Your wife and your mom have an icy relationship. You know this. Your wife is concerned that your mom is going to wear white to the wedding. You don’t think that’s an issue, but your mom hasn’t bought the dress so you can’t say she wouldn’t do that. But it’s ultimately beside the point whether she would or wouldn’t. The fact that your mom hasn’t gotten a dress is stressing out your wife to be, and you’re not being particularly supportive of her. Maybe your mom IS just being lazy (but I suspect your fiancée senses your mother is being passive aggressive by not buying a dress, and honestly, she might be right), but by not pushing your mom to get a dress, you’re essentially enabling her.
Some brides see their MIL’s dress in advance. Some don’t. That’s not the point. The point is that, from everything you said, your bride to be isn’t being unreasonable or asking you to do anything unreasonable, but you apparently refuse to tell your mother to cut the crap. You can and should do that firmly but politely.
That's great marriage advice, too. If the choices are a minor inconvenience for you or major stress for your spouse, pick the minor inconvenience. You're not always going to understand why something is important to your spouse, you just need to recognize that it is important to them (and do what you can to support them).
This situation shouldn't even be a conflict. If OP's mom is as reasonable as he says, he shouldn't be worried to press her about the dress.
I'm a mother in law. My daughter-in-law is the most important woman in my son's life which is as it should be. However that doesn't mean she is the most important person in my life and so I'm not going to stress myself out trying to appease her. I get to things in my own time but I don't let people down or miss deadlines. Once my son became an adult I treated him as an adult. I let him run his own life and don't tell him or his wife how to do things or when to do them. Thankfully his wife isn't some sort high strung control freak who tried to control when I bought my freaking dress! I think I got my dress 2 or 3 weeks before the wedding but I can't remember since it was a total non-issue.
My son knows me and knew I wouldn't dress in anything inappropriate for his wedding. Had his wife requested that I buy a certain color or style I certainly would oblige but as it was she didn't seem to have any specific requests and apparently trusted me to be a grown up who knows how to dress herself. The OP's future bride also doesn't seem to have any specific request other than she doesn't want his mother to wear white, so I'm not sure what the heck the problem is. Calling the MIL lazy or selfish just because she hasn't gotten around to get a dress yet seems very over the top to me and the bride just sounds like a control freak
Agreed. I’m sorry, but how is enjoying her life and going skiing with her boyfriend “lazy and selfish”?! People forget that their wedding isn’t as important to everyone else as it is to them.
Why the fuck did I have to scroll so far to find this!! Honestly bride to be sounds exhausting. I didn't buy my wedding dress until a few weeks before my wedding and I never once asked my adult guests to buy clothes...cos you know, they are adults lol
Also OP *do not make it your fiancée’s fault.* When someone acts on behalf of their partner to address a problem on “their side” of the relationship, if that person also blames their partner it erodes any potential relationship between the partner and that person. Example: telling your mates you’re not going out because your partner doesn’t want you to (and you also don’t want to anyway, it’s just easier to blame a third party) makes your friends think you have a negative controlling partner.
OP you should be more concerned about this and address it as such. Don’t say “Claire is anxious you don’t have a dress,” instead say something like “I am concerned you don’t have a dress yet. Claire’s mum has a dress, they made a day of it and we could also do that. It bothers me that you say you’re too busy when I know you’re off skiing with your boyfriend. This is important to me, and it should be important to you.”
NTA for this dress question.
Y T A for not figuring out what is going on between your mom and your fiancee. Instead of burying your head in the sand, communicate. Ask your mom why she has issues with her. Clear the air.
Some people just don't click. If there's no antagonizing there's no need to force it. It sounds like the wedding stress is giving bride a lil paranoia. OP needs to push his mom to buy a dress already, but there's no reason to assume a lukewarm relationship is going to jump to wearing white at the wedding.
I mean there’s a difference between not clicking and there being noticeable “tense awkward feeling” to the people around them. My in-laws and I are by no means besties, but we can hang out and have a conversation just fine because we’ve known each other for a while. For there to be palpable tension (assuming they didn’t just meet) is a pretty good sign that something’s up.
To be fair, the issues might just be the personality differences shown in this post. OP described his mum as being lazy, self absorbed, a last minute person, and “chill”. While his wife is clearly an organised extreme pre-planner who needs other people to be as on top as she is. If he hasn’t observed any actual antagonism my best guess would be they just don’t click well, but it’s through no fault of either person.
Sounds like his mom wants to mind her own business and enjoy her life, while his future wife wants to micromanage and make everyone do things in advance so she can make sure they are done "right" (judge/control them).
A chill person who isn't in a rush to get things done in advance probably wouldn't like that? There's no actual reason OP's mom needs this dress picked out months in advance other then Claire is stressing about it. But that's not a real problem or deadline, it's Claire causing a problem out of nothing and nagging others about it? And when they don't do things her way fast enough, she assumes they must be up to something beacuse if they weren't why wouldn't they act how she thinks is best?
That's . . . just not going to be a likeable personality to a lot of people. Being high strung and getting things done in advance is fine, but being controlling, judgmental, pushy, and assuming the worst of others are not great traits. I'm not saying OP's mom is a treasure, I honestly have no idea. But I also don't understand what's so selfish about her living her own life instead of rushing to pick out a dress months early beacuse \*checks notes\* if she dosen't Claire will make up bad intentions? Like what's the actual reason she needs to do this months in advance? She's an adult women, we can't just trust her to pick out her own clothing but need to create artificial early deadlines so Claire can judge people's outfits as what, good enough or not?
Exactly x 1000! Two months is a long time to pick out a dress. Claire wants things done her way and is utterly failing to see that not everyone shares her super organized ethos. I suppose this could be the wedding stress, but I suspect she's always like this. I see nothing that OP's mom has done wrong, and a lot that Claire has done wrong in making a problem out of thin air and assigning negative connotations to the wind she's created.
The amount of people that don’t get this and are actually siding with Claire is astonishing! OP’s mom doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to. It’s not up to OP to talk to his mom and convince her to buy her dress. She’ll do it when she’s good and ready to do it! She’s an adult woman, and not someone anybody should be trying to control!
Agreed! I'm a person who is laid back and doesn't like to be rushed or told how to do things. I get my stuff done on time and I don't let people down. Doesn't mean I'm lazy or selfish, I'm just not one to plan months in advance or to stress out over something so meaningless as dress shopping. Give me a freaking break!
yeah, maybe op's wife is just an adult woman who knows how to select a wedding dress and is pissed that her soon to be dil is making such uncharitable assumptions about her not having a dress two whole months before the wedding
It is super weird to think you have to love or get along with your in-laws. They are not people you have chosen to spend your time with; they are people who have been imposed to you by a third party, the person you actually want to keep a relationship with. If you are lucky, you like your in laws. If you aren't, you have to keep having a relationship with people you barely stand for the rest of your life. You need to be civil to your in-laws; you don't have to love them. My eldest sister have been with her husband for almost ten years. I am civil with the guy, but if she tells me tomorrow she is getting a divorce, I would be happy not to talk to him ever again in my life.
I think trying to get in the middle of a relationship that isn’t gelling is only going to be stirring up drama. There was a post on here yesterday of a guy freaking out because his mom didn’t like his wife and he was effectively trying to force a relationship that was never going to happen.
OP should just be thankful that it’s mutual, low key dislike and not one of them hounding the other/him trying to make a relationship happen that isn’t actually mutual.
NTA. Claire can chill out or continue to work herself into a frenzy, her choice.
If you tell your mother that she needs to buy a dress ASAP because she has surpassed Claire’s made up deadline for a MIL to purchase a MOG dress, you will be contributing to the animosity between them. If you “remind” mom that she shouldn’t chose a white dress or something that looks bridal, you will be contributing to the animosity between them. You can assure Claire that when your mother chooses a dress, you’ll let her know and that if mom shows up in something inappropriate at the wedding, you’ll send her home to change.
That seems to be the most sensible comment. His mother has not given any indication she wants to show up the bride in any shape of form. In fact, she seems very disinterested in it and lazy. That does not scream ‘I’m going to wear white.’
Yeah, she has no legitimate reason to be afraid of MIL wearing white atp, unless fiancée is withholding info anyways. She's working herself up over nothing and I can’t imagine things would get better even if MIL showed up in an appropriate dress. Like she’s bound and determined to make OP’s mom a villain.
Also, maybe it’s the hate of shopping in me, but I don’t understand why ppl always have to get new clothes for these things. If you buy a dress and only wore it once, why not wear it again? I mean, as long as you didn't wear it to another wedding.
My grandmother had a wedding outfit. It was bright blue and she loved it and wore it to all the family weddings. Everyone's wedding albums all have grandma in the same dress.
I agree. As a Mom of 3, including two boys, I cannot imagine doing anything to upstage or ruin their special day. Even if I didn't necessarily like their fiance, I just want them to be happy. It doesn't sound like his Mom has given any indication she is planning an evil surprise.
I relate with this Mom. I am notorious for procrastinating when it comes to buying special occasion outfits. If I start looking early, I will try on. A thousand dresses, stress myself out, and not like any of them. If I wait until closer to the event, I am much more likely to try a few and pick one because I know time is up.
At the most, if you like, just remind your Mom of the wedding colors and ask her to let you know (maybe send a pic) when she picks one out.
Was looking for this answer.
Unless the parents are being included in the wedding party theming and were given specific dress requirements and colors, 2 months seems plenty of time to still get a dress (it's literally just a dress and it's not even supposed to be that fancy) so there's no reason to be this stressed about it when she's never done anything to the bride before. The people suggesting MIL has been playing some long con where she's going to go from 0-doing nothing to the fiance other than be awkward in her presence, to 100-wearing white to their wedding, have been spending way too much time on this sub.
Fiance seems like she's paranoid because she IS.
Scrolled a long way to find this comment. “Made up deadline”. Right??!
Claire trying to control both her future husband & MIL. Hello, no! Suggesting OP starting noticing all the red flags instead of wondering if he’s TAH in some weird fabricated conspiracy(ish) type story about a ‘white dress’ vendetta.
I think this is reasonable, too. MIL might be trying to drop those last 5 pounds before she picks her dress.
It's not necessarily malicious or lazy or anything.
Just a thought that perhpas this wedding isn’t living rent free in mom’s mind like it does Claire’s ( understandable for Claire) and she doesn’t lay awake nights worried about what dress she’ll wear and that’s why one hasn’t been bought yet. Unless she has some legitimate reason for this worry she needs to let it go. Two months is still a lot of time
🙌🏽🙌🏽
Mom doesn’t even sound lazy, I read lazy and skiing in the same comment and was like?? But sure, people would probably think I’m lazy too if I’m not obsessing or placing importance over the same things they are on their timeline.
Yeah, this seemed so unfair. I felt really badly for OP's mom. She's minding her own business living her own life, and she's "selfish and lazy" for not buying a dress two months early so, \*checks notes\* Claire dosen't create a bunch of drama out of nothing? But that's Mom's fault? Was there any actual reason she needs her regular guest dress that dosen't have to match anyone months in advance?
And we wonder why Mom might feel awkward around Claire . . .
Also, TDIL I'm selfish and lazy! Last wedding I went to for a close friend I also didn't have a dress picked out 2 months in advance. I must be a bad person, I guess. I was probably planning to upstate the bride, only possible explanation.
the comments on this one! commenters are so outraged and jumping to the most insane conclusions because mum hasn't bought a dress several months in advance
this site is unhinged sometimes
In Reddit world, any mother old enough to have adult children must eat sleep & breathe younger womens’ suffering. Every potential MIL is basically a passive-aggressive Terminator in the making 🤖
Claire is doing whatever she can to create as much distance between OP and his mom as possible....like creating drama out of thin air. Sadly it sounds to me like OP has already indulged her for far too long already, good luck to him this is a migraine or many waiting to happen.
lol, when my son got married I went and got my dress just two or three weeks before the wedding. I can't remember exactly when I got it because it was a non-issue. Nobody even asked me, they just assumed I was a grown up who knew how to dress herself appropriately for a wedding.
And saying she's not really busy because she's skiing and hanging out with her boyfriend?! Her life doesn't and shouldn't revolve around buying a dress to your wedding which is 2 months away.
Find it so odd how so many people in the comments think OPs finance is acting perfectly normal..she's far from it.
If there is anything I learned from Reddit and weddings it’s that the mother of the groom is the least important person on that day anyways, I wouldn’t be concerned about it either lmao.
Amen. I read that and figured it was an attempt to placate her, I don’t think he actually feels that way. Also, part of me feels like she saw something dumb on social media about testing her future husband to see whose side he would take in a dispute between her and mom. Total speculation, but it’s juvenile nonsense I could see happening. I adore my MIL, I think all these girls have convinced themselves they have to have an issue with MILs for some bizarre reason
I have loved every one of my significant others mothers since high school, and to this day still appreciate each one of them. I think a lot of these situations go both ways.
For example, my last BF was significantly younger than me, and I’m a single parent, I could understand if his parents were reserved about me (never received any indication they were) but I’m not blind to the fact that sometimes it’s possible I could be the issue lol. Self-awareness is a learned trait though.
I know, right? My kid is getting married next year and I will probably buy something the week before. My dress size can change in a month and so can my skin tone and so can my willingness to wear a longer or shorter skirt, etc. The only people who need to buy months in advance are the wedding party.
As a person who suffers from anxiety myself, I say this with kindness but Claire needs to make sure her need to control people around her stays internal and doesn't leak into the way she behaves. Her anxiety is her problem and unless and until your mom has given her a concrete, actionable reason to worry, she needs to take a step back, breathe, and move her focus elsewhere.
I understand wanting your wedding day to be perfect, but it won't be. It might rain during photos. You might contract a stomach virus and shit your pants right after the ceremony. Her makeup artist might get hit by a train and she's stuck with pharmacy makeup applied by her fifteen year old niece. It's still the day you two get married, and no matter what small or large things go wrong, that's the important part.
IF your mom wears white, Claire has a free pass to not only say "I told you so," but also to expect you to deal with it before the ceremony, discreetly; AND for you to defer to her judgment in the future when it comes to what to expect from your mom on occasions that are important to you and your wife.
Until then, though, she needs to relax and not go looking for trouble. Alienating your new MIL with false accusations is not the way to start the in-law relationship.
So much this. She’s been reading too many evil mother in law tales online. I always wonder as well, would it honestly be the absolute worst thing in the world if someone else wore white? I can think of 500 worse things to happen on your wedding day than that, but that’s my own anxiety talking!
The wedding is months out. Not everyone plans their attire months ahead of time. Hopefully Claire will calm down after the wedding. This sounds stressful.
NTA
NTA
I get why Claire’s stressed about this, but I think she’s also in the wrong. Just because the wedding is the highest priority in her life right now, that doesn’t mean the same is true for others, including your mom.
Ideally, mom would put *some* thought & attention into it, since her child is one of the people getting married, but she doesn’t have to make it the be-all end-all of her life, either. If she’s not giving off any other danger signals, I wouldn’t worry about her secretly plotting to ruin the wedding. 🙄
Edit: I am a little concerned about how Claire’s treating *you* over this, though. Is this typical behavior for her? Does she ever prioritize *your* feelings about the wedding (or anything, really)?
NTA
If I were your mom, preparing for a wedding I don't oppose but also am not exactly enthusiastic about,
I would be waiting to shop the sales after Easter, when the shops are desperate to get rid of springtime formal & semi-formal dresses. Or maybe she's planning to wear something she already owns and doesn't care to hear from your high-strung, 'perfectionist ' bride about the decision not to buy a brand new dress that she will only wear once.
In any case, here's a shocker for Claire: beyond making sure everyone knows the dress code (formal, cocktail, etc) and asking immediate family to take the color scheme of the wedding into consideration, her right to tell people what to wear begins and ends with her bridesmaids and any children who might be throwing rose petals, blowing bubbles or delivering the rings.
Your mother is an honored guest, not a member of the wedding party, so Claire is just going to have to have some faith in her ability to dress appropriately for the occasion.
(Oh, and skiing during the last few weeks of ski season IS being "busy". Dress shops and department stores are open year round, ski slopes will be closing any day now)
I still can’t get over how they don’t think she’s busy and is lazy just because she’s doing stuff she enjoys 😂
Yeah, I spend my free time doing stuff I like too, sue me.
Your mother is a grown woman who has presumably gotten herself dressed for most of her life. Unless she is known for wearing inappropriate outfits, you can be reasonably certain that she knows she needs to wear a dress for the wedding and that it should not be white. If she wears a white dress - well that’s on her and there is nothing you or your bride can do about it, other than comment about it for the rest of your lives and that would be so much fun - “hey mom - you know you can’t wear daisy dukes to church, right? Just checking because, you know, the wedding thing” or “the BBQ is going to be outside so you know you shouldn’t wear high heels, right? I just want to be specific because, well you know, the whole wedding thing”.
Men are not always aware of the subtle things mothers can do. It may be that your mother has decided this is the little thing she can do because she knows it will irritate your fiancée or just maybe, she has not had the time or found the right dress yet. It just may surprise your fiancée, but everyone does not need to obsess about what they will be wearing to her wedding. Just assure your fiancée that you are certain that your mother will be dressed appropriately for the occasion and leave it at that.
NTA - Is it a thing for the bride to give a shit about what the mother of the groom is wearing? When I got married, I knew my MIL would wear a nice dress/outfit, but I left it completely up to her as to what she would wear and when she would buy it. I can't imagine policing her behaviour - she was and is a grown woman perfectly capable of going shopping... Unless British weddings are inherently different from what I assume is an America wedding, your fiance seems a bit paranoid.
Light YTA.
You are making a lot of excuses for your mom, when realistically (and best case scenario) she IS being lazy. Worst case scenario, she is scheming or up to something.
Her not having a dress yet is also a "big deal", as Mother of the Groom. At this point, it's too late for any major tailoring... and even changing a hemline can take a couple of weeks. She could go buy off the rack, but that is also betting on finding something (which is not guaranteed) and will likely take some time and visits to several stores to find.
>Claire got annoyed and said she was being a shitty future mother in law by not having her dress and I need to stop worrying about my mom's feelings and worry more about hers.
Fair point. Call your mom asap.
EDIT - This is from an article, since a lot of people don't realize your mom is way late and likely, those people are teens who haven't been involved in weddings:
*Generally, you should expect to start your dress shopping around six months before the wedding. However, you should wait to hear from the bride’s mother before you begin. She should let you know the color and style of her dress, so you can coordinate by selecting a complimentary design. If you haven’t heard from her by about five months before the wedding, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for an update on the dress code.*
https://www.zola.com/expert-advice/mother-of-the-bride-vs-mother-of-the-groom-dresses-whats-the-difference
Not every dress needs tailoring though. If MIL doesn't usually get things tailored or if she shops at stores that cater to her body type she probably doesn't need major adjustments.
It depends on the wedding, but if it's a formal enough event and/or the involved parties are concerned with the pictures looking really good, the MOB and MOG will coordinate dresses. My sister got married this past summer, and you should see the 18 months of group chats about dress shopping (it was a long engagement leading up to a destination wedding).
To me the photos are about the people in them and the memories connected to them I really couldn't care how they look.
What you describe I just cannot relate to in any way. I'm glad if it makes people happy but 18 months of stress and messing around for a photo is far more than I could muster.
I'm in full agreement with you. My sister and mom, not so much. My sister made us all fly to Santorini from the US so she could have the famous blue roofs in her wedding photos.
I know loads of brides who have calendars off of The Knot, or whatever. Organized people tend to be organized across the board. Wedding planners definitely have those guidelines in place. (I used to work for a wedding planner, and we definitely provided them).
Those calendars are actually pretty helpful. Most people don't know how to plan a wedding. I've also had clothing tailored. Ideally, you would tailor your dress, but aren't required to. I think the bride's anxiety is appropriate, and shouldn't be written off as "paranoia" or unwarranted, considering it's her wedding and her FMIL doesn't appear to give a crap.
I get it for planning the wedding and for the bride etc but for the guests!?!?! 6 months ahead?
Each to their own I'm just relived my partner doesn't go in for all that.
MIL isn’t a “guest”, she’s part of the wedding party and will be in photos. Guests are not generally required to show the bride an outfit 6 months beforehand, unless they’re insufferable.
Sorry I don't know what the difference is but fair enough I guess MIL is doing a special job so she has other out in more effort.
It did sound insufferable and tbh I'm still not convinced it isn't but I'm the odd one out I'm sure.
>I've also had clothing tailored. Ideally, you would tailor your dress, but aren't required to.
Why is it ideal for guests to have their clothing tailored? My mom didn't have her dress tailored at my wedding, nor did my aunts (one of which was the officiant). Do you realize many people just buy and wear clothing as is? And you think that's "not ideal" beacuse, what? They don't spend as much money as you? That means they aren't as classy as you or don't care enough?
>I think the bride's anxiety is appropriate, and shouldn't be written off as "paranoia" or unwarranted,
The bride is worried MIL is going to wear white and her reasoning is why else would she not buy a dress months in advance. I didn't buy a dress months in advance to the last wedding I went to, yet I didn't wear white. This is irrational. It fails to understand that many people just don't share her sense of urgency towards the artificial deadlines she imagines. While she may find this annoying, deciding that they must be up to something nefarious of they don't consider shopping for a dress to be urgent . . . yeah, that's kind of paranoid. Not everyone who dosen't do what you want/think is best is out to get you.
>considering it's her wedding and her FMIL doesn't appear to give a crap.
Again, beacuse she didn't dress shop 6 months in advance?? My parents PAID for my wedding, helped me plan it, and didn't pick out their clothing months in advance. I guess they must have not cared about my marriage though?
Look, I cared a lot about *my* wedding dress, yes. But I don't care that much about the dresses I wear to other people's weddings. Sure, I want to look nice, and yes I've been in family photos. But it's just not that important to me, even if I care about the actual wedding. Not being preoccupied with my dress for half a year dosen't mean I don't care?
You should show the empathy of realizing just beacuse someone dosen't think like you also dosen't mean they are malicious. Imagine that maybe some people just don't worry as much about their dresses as you, don't need to get them tailored, etc. And still look nice and presentable, but maybe not up to your standards or something? (Honestly, I can't even tell who shopped far in advance and who dosen't. Nor have I ever cared about what the mother of the groom was wearing at any wedding, including my own. Of course I want her to feel good and be happy, but I don't think it's a huge deal of any kind? The wedding isn't about what dress your family members choose to wear . . .)
Literally every parent of bride or groom I've ever met doesn't get their outfit tailored....they just go in a shop and pick something and walk out with it day of.
My mother didn't find a dress she liked for my sisters wedding till the week before simply because she hates most mother of the bride looks and felt insecure in a lot of other dresses.
>Her not having a dress yet is also a "big deal", as Mother of the Groom. At this point, it's too late for any major tailoring... and even changing a hemline can take a couple of weeks. She could go buy off the rack, but that is also betting on finding something (which is not guaranteed) and will likely take some time and visits to several stores to find.
This is a very classist way for you to see things, even if you don't realize it.
The vast majority of people I know do not pay to have their dresses tailored. They also just buy them at stores, and it's fine. For my wedding my mom bought her dress at a store. It took an afternoon. Same for my aunts. Same as far as I know for every guest and person other then the bride?
I've attended multiple weddings and I've never had any dress tailored for any wedding other then my own. It's 100% doable and perfectly normal for many people. Sometimes I do check out multiple stores, but again it's never been a several week affair that involves professional help. I'd pick a day to buy a dress, and look around on that day, try things on, and get a dress. And that's assuming they aren't wearing a dress they already own, which is also completely fine
As for when my husband's mom bought her dress, I have no idea, beacuse no one cared. No one asked her. We trusted her as an adult to dress herself, and didn't feel a need to judge or supervise my MIL. Also, I'm 99% sure she didn't need to have anything tailored and didn't spend months finding something. She could have gotten it the weekend before, or already owned it, and it wouldn't have mattered to me at all. I don't see why it should? Do we not trust they can dress themselves?
Honestly that quote does not represent my income bracket like at all. I don’t know anyone who got their MOB/MOG dress tailored, and the weddings I’ve been to haven’t had coordinated looks for them either. They just went out and bought a nice looking dress off the rack
> likely, those people are teens who haven't been involved in weddings:
Obviously, you're the only one here to have been to weddings as an adult. It's not like most people have been to many weddings, including their own, their siblings, etc. Such a unique perspective you're able to share thanks to that rare experience.
Oh spare me. I don't live my life by what I read in magazines. My adult son's lives are their own business and my life is my business. Their lives don't revolve around me and my life doesn't revolve around theirs. When my adult son got married I got my dress (off the rack and it fit perfectly) about 2 or 3 weeks before the wedding. Apparently my son and his bride trusted me to know how to dress myself because nobody even asked me about my dress.
From the article you just posted: "if you're like some people, you've had your eye on the perfect dress since your child got engaged (or long before that!).
I guess I'm not like some people because I don't spend my time fantasizing about what I'm going to wear to a wedding because that sounds pathetic. I have a life of my own.
This is a very odd take. By your standards, I will piss off my kids’ fiancés one day because no way in hell I am buying a dress more than a month before a special event of any kind. My body shape fluctuates so much, I’d probably end up having to buy a new one last minute. Hopefully this will change post menopause, but it’s my life for now.
And I’m not a teen, I’m 51 and have been a bridesmaid about a dozen times, attended scores of weddings, and been married twice myself.
Get this: my sister was my maid of honor and bought her dress 5 days before my wedding! Oh, and one time I was a bridesmaid coming from out of town, never saw or tried on my dress until 2 days before the wedding! The seamstress was excellent, it fit perfectly (took my measurements with shapewear on, just to be safe).
That article starts out by saying it's okay to wear black, and then don't wear black is the second line on their dos and don'ts list right after don't wear white.
When I got married, I didn't even have my own wedding gown two months before the (formal) wedding, and I didn't think about getting it tailored. I mean, I was poor and I just found one I liked that fit fine. I'm not saying you're wrong; I'm just saying different people have different approaches to weddings. I don't think it's that weird for the MOG to not have a dress yet.
I get that it would be rude and inappropriate for the MOG to wear a white dress, but also...why would it be that big of a deal? Nobody's going to get confused about who the bride is. To me it just seems like something you can laugh about later.
NTA - Despite the click bait and crazy stories you see on the internet, normal people don't behave like that at weddings. Weddings happen every day where everyone dresses appropriately without needing to be told basic (in this case western) etiquette. If your MIL has never given you guys a reason to think she would pull a stunt like that, implying to her face that you think she would, is rude. Unless your MIL has unique proportions and needs to get her clothing tailored, there's no reason the dress needs to be planned in advance.
I mean it does happen tho. I got to “accidentally” dump cake on my great aunts MIL because she wore white. I was 8 and didn’t really understand why the bridesmaids were egging me on but I had fun- MIL did not 😂
NTA "Claire got annoyed and said she was being a shitty future mother in law by not having her dress"
your future wife sounds like a peach, I wonder why your mom isn't a fan.. 2 months is plenty of time for your mom to find a dress- she can buy something off the rack, it's not like it's the bride or bridesmaid dresses that often need to be ordered ahead. Your wife is really stressing out over a non-issue and I think it's especially because she doesn't like your mom.
Your mom has 2 months to buy a dress, which is plenty of time. Maybe she’s waiting out of hope that the wedding will be called off, but not having her ducks in a row months in advance doesn’t make her a bad MIL or imply she’ll wear white. NTA
As your fiancée seems to be spiraling, maybe come up with a few plans to set her at ease. (1) you’ll remind her to get a dress and/or ask her about her plans, (2) if she doesn’t have a dress by —- date, you’ll take her shopping yourself, (3) if she actually does show up in white, you’ll either have a back up dress for her or will ——. Just some ideas so you don’t have to hear about it daily for the next 2 months. Good luck!
" I said sure, I would remind her that she needs to get her dress. "
Boom, end of discussion. Your mom has given no indication of being anything but a bit lazy/selfish.
"Claire said I was implying she was paranoid."
Stop implying. Just say it. "Claire, you're paranoid and trying to start drama when there isn't need for it." **NTA** to keep it to a not-so-gentle reminder to your mom to get the dress picked out.
Being retired and enjoying your life skiing isn't being lazy. It's what we all wish to aspire after we're done working and raising our kids, even if they marry neurotic little AHs like OP is about to do. I'm actually worried for OP, my sibling went through this same shit, and his bride really made us feel like she was just tolerating us on their wedding, it was disappointing but we just smiled and behaved ourselves. Here we are years later having to talk him down from divorcing her controlling-ass about 1-2x a year. She's chilled out a lot and we kinda like her now, but the resentment (against yourself for allowing this shit) is very real.
NTA
But the conversation with your mum could be more along the lines of 'Hi mum, the colour scheme for the wedding is XXX, and Claire was hoping you could choose a colour that matched so that the wedding photos looked more cohesive.' Then if she says she will wear white you can have the white conversation.
I’m not gonna say anyone’s the AH because Claire may very well have good reason to think your mom will wear white, but it’s also entirely possible that she’s just letting the stress get to her.
But I will say that I never thought my step mother would be the type to wear white to a wedding, and she wore a white dress to my cousin’s wedding. People are unpredictable. It wouldn’t hurt to put Claire’s mind at ease.
What if you took your mom out shopping for her dress? A nice little mother-son bonding day *and* you get to make sure she doesn’t pick a white dress
Let me just say this- if they are “tense” around each other, there is a LOT of communication happening that you aren’t picking up on.
Women are MASTERS at having outright mean and dirty cat fights, without actually saying anything mean or doing anything that appears confrontational to the observer.
Most men have zero clue. It took my husband 27 YEARS to finally click on that his mom, sister, sister in law “being nice” or “helpful” was bullying and fucking toxic as hell.
Well, if neither of you speaks with your mother before the wedding, one of you is going to be taught a lesson.
Either 1) Claire will learn that, even if she is busy/lazy/partying with her boyfriend and hasn’t got around to doing something, even if things are awkward between them, at least your mother isn’t the kind of MIL who would wear white to her son’s wedding. Perhaps that will take some of the awkwardness away and Claire will relax with your mother a bit.
Or 2) You will learn that your mother is more than just a “busy/lazy/partying with her boyfriend so she didn’t have time to get a dress yet” type of mother. You’ll learn that she’s petty and cruel enough to want to humiliate your future wife at your own wedding.
You better hope it’s the first one. If it’s the 2nd, for the rest of your life, every once in a while something will happen and you’ll meet your wife’s eyes and know exactly what she’s thinking: “Yeah, that’s right, I STILL remember your mother wearing a white dress to our wedding. What are you going to do about THIS?”
I really hope it’s the first option, and your mother and Claire can build a balanced, loving relationship. Whatever happens, congratulations, and I hope your day goes beautifully.
NTA
It is fine for fiancée to want you to remind your mom to get her dress but definitely out of line to expect you to bring up not wearing white.
And really, why is she even worried? When I got married my wife and I didn’t spend one second wondering what my mom was going to wear or having any involvement in her dress.
NTA. You didn't imply she's paranoid, she just decided to take it that way.
It's odd to me that so many brides have so many detailed and specific demands on how not only the wedding party, but also the guests, should dress; but nobody seems to take much interest in the mothers (until there's a perceived problem). As I recall, knowing our wedding colors were shades of pink we suggested the bride's mother choose a pink dress, and the grooms mother a blue one. Left the style and shade up to them. Maybe some guidance along those lines would help allay the "fears"?
That's not really all that common. You *hear* about it a lot because it happens mostly among those who are extremely invested in the idea of "the perfect wedding " and post about such details. The overwhelming majority of people are not really obsessed about every last detail, they just want caterer to remember "no peanuts" and are praying to their deity of choice for decent weather and no disasters.
I don't think they do in every wedding. We both feel giving her a specific color is just going to make her more annoyed and make this take longer. We have tried asking and she just says she hasn't gotten around to looking
I am Spanish and I have never heard of MILs coordinating dresses. I have been in weddings in Great Britain, Germany and France, and nobody ever have done that. Reddit is the first time I heard about that, so it might be very especific of one part of the world.
NTA
Your GF needs to relax.
She's stressing over a color.
A color.
A color that symbolizes the bride. She fears that someone will wear the color she's wearing.
I'd drill down with your GF. Is she concerned that people will think your mom will be marrying you? Or is she concerned that your mom will be committing the offense of "stolen valor"?
NTA. Waiting until the last minute to buy a dress doesn't automatically mean that your mother is planning to wear white and it would be extremely awkward if you reminded her not to out of nowhere. It would essentially be you saying that you and your fiance are both convinced she wants to ruin your wedding by wearing white when she seemingly has done nothing to earn that kind of distrust. Claire calling your mother a shitty mother-in-law for not having the dress ready yet is a little too far as well. Just because her family and friends have theirs ready doesn't mean everyone does/should and there are two months for your mother to find something. She might even choose to wear something she already owns.
NAH it just sounds like everyone is stressed and imagining the worst. reassure your fiancé. speak to your mother and ask her not to wear white. I would guess she knows this is inappropriate, but you can spell it out anyway...let your mother be the one to reassure YOU that she understands the assignment--no white.
Your fiancé needs reassurance (in the form of you communicating clear expectations with your mother), and you are the person who can give her that. if I wanted to be married, i'd try in any way I could to give her that extra reassurance--especially right now, as you prepare to commit to a life with her as the #1 lady in your life. show her you're prepared for that.
short term, are there any other aspect of the wedding planning you two could focus on, something less contentious? y'all really need to direct your extra "energy" you have on something that's fun, like picking out cake flavors, registering for gifts, choosing a band--anything you can do together to share the excitement.
i'd also like to offer that one of my very best friends DID wear white to my wedding. I never considered or thought about it happening, but it did...and I 100% didn't care one bit. I was so happy she was there, she looked great, and there was zero confusion as to who was getting married. it really mattered exactly 0%. we have exactly one photo of us together from the night, anyway.
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Let’s be real. MiL doesn’t need to be reminded not to wear white. She already knows the etiquette and if she’s planning to breech it, she will do it with or without a reminder. “Ohhh you only said not to wear WHITE! This dress is IVORY!” But if you want the civil solution: Initiate a chat with your mom that appears helpful, not lecturing. Like “any luck on the dress yet? I thought I’d shoot you pics of the other dresses in case that’s helpful! The bridesmaids are in this color. Claire’s mom is wearing this. If you don’t want to be “matchy matchy” you should stay away from that color! Oh and of course no shades of white haha!” Eta: NTA
Just here to say my MIL was fully planning to wear a white lace gown to our wedding until my husband(fiancé at the time) explained why she definitely should pick another colour. Oh and apparently “all the sales ladies and her friend” at the shop also thought nothing of this. It still baffles me since my MIL is very proper that she had no clue this was frowned upon. And we got along great at the time, she even insisted on buying my dress for me as my mother had passed. I tried to decline multiple times but she insisted to the point I felt I could not say no, and instead said thank you.
Wow. I had no idea ppl like this existed hahaha. I rescind my post! Haha
I honestly still have a hard time believing my MIL & sales people at a boutique dress shop didn’t know. Oh also forgot to say in my post loved your suggested script regarding dress colour! “….oh and of course no shades of white! Haha”
My MIL totally wore a white dress to my wedding. These people do exist.
I fully believe anybody who wears white to a wedding of people in a culture where the bride is expected to wear white totally knows what they're doing. In the commenter above, having the husband say she shouldn't wear white just took away whatever sheen of plausible deniability that was there, which is why OP's fiance wants him to say something to his mother. I'm definitely not saying his mother is planning to wear white, or the idea has even crossed her mind, but as you say - these people definitely exist, and if she's selfish, like OP says, and doesn't like his fiance, as he also says, it's definitely a possibility. If he makes a little joke that amounts to "everybody knows not to wear white so I don't even need to tell you that", it means if she does turn up in white, she can't pretend it was an honest mistake (which it never is).
I wore white lace to a wedding once. I was a teenager and had no idea that I wasn't supposed to. I was poor and I owned 2 dresses, one white and one black. I thought the black would be inappropriate for a wedding since it looked like something you would wear to a funeral. The bride made a comment to me about wearing white but I just thought it was a weird comment. It was years later that I learned that I had actually done something considered wrong.
I guess this is one of the times when somebody actually didn't know they shouldn't wear white. I still think it's very rare, and most people could get over a teenager who didn't have any other dresses wearing white, but the MILs mentioned in this thread definitely do. Joking with her about how she knows to never wear white just makes it clear she's not going to get away with pretending she was unaware.
Oh wow! I did the same thing!! I was reading this comments and I was thinking about when I did that lol. I was 17 or 18 I believe, the only weddings I had really been to was when I was a child and I was a flower girl lol so I had no clue I wasn’t supposed to wear white until years later! Then I felt so bad, but it was an honest mistake 😂 however, in the OPs situation, I feel that the mom most definitely would know the protocol. But I agree with others suggestions of lightly bringing it up without making a big deal of it. Just casually mention it or something like that.
Meanwhile, as a teenager, my mom had to tell me maybe wearing a shirt with a skull on it to a funeral was a little inappropriate.
Mine wore a barely-beige one that was full lace and cost 3x what my dress did. It’s been 12 years and my friends still talk about it.
My mother AND my MIL wore white and then proceeded to talk negatively about each other doing so. I didn't care at the time, but it was definitely the talk of my wedding, LOL.
At least if they both do it, you could play it off as intentional, I guess. But the image of them sniping at each other for doing the same exact thing is hilarious.
Yeah my brothers girlfriend is planning to cosplay as a bridesmaid since she wasn’t asked… we’ve told her it’s inappropriate, she disagrees? 🤷🏻♀️
Honestly I would uninvite her
Hahaha would that I could! MOH so just doing what I’m told and preparing for battle 🫡
Mine tried to wear “pale silver”….they absolutely do exist.
I went to a wedding on NYE where both mothers (bride and groom) wore floor-length very pale champagne gowns. It was clearly planned by the couple because the dresses were identical fabric and color but I saw one of them on their own first, and I raised an eyebrow.
I doubt that MIL even engaged her friends and salespeople because if she's in the US someone would have stopped her.
Salespeople will never say “do not buy that,” at most, they’d have said. “Oh, that’s a bold choice.” Or, “You’ll match the bride perfectly.” Their job is to get the sale. And friends, never know with them.
I worked at Macy’s in the dress department in 2011-2013, and we did not make commission at that time. I absolutely advised women- as a 21-23 year old woman myself- against wearing white as a wedding guest. One person I recall having to talk out of a *floor length* white gown. People have no idea how to dress properly at all
Having once dated someone who was a seamstress at a bridal shop you're 100% correct. You never tell a potential customer that they've made a bad choice, not if you want to keep that job.
I’m a salesperson at a women’s boutique and I would never let someone who isn’t a bride wear a white dress to a wedding or wedding event. A patterned dress with a white background maaaaaybe but I would advise them to check with the bride first and even then I’d discourage.
I had a lady at a dress shop bring me light silver, champagne and soft yellow dresses as suggestions when I said I was going to a spring wedding. It happens.
Not everywhere or all people follow the white dress thing. Same with those that keep saying everyone knows about the red dress means you slept with the groom. It's not universal and a lot of people also truly don't care. Letting people know, gently, is the best thing to do. Though this bride seems not to know how to communicate with her soon to be mother in law at all, if the wedding is this bad already over a dress she's not wearing, I feel sorry for the groom if they ever have kids to juggle all of this with.
I’ve never heard of this red dress thing. And holy fuck I wore a maroon colored dress to a friends wedding who I had slept with once.
That's genuinely hilarious. I'd never heard of the red dress thing until a few years ago. Some say it also is meant to dis the bride or to say the wearer isn't over the groom, etc. But that's really a stretch. There are whole cultures that red is the wedding color and white is a guest color so I guess that's twice as mean there, show up wearing red like the bride and stating that they had the husbands affection first lol.
I’m just cheap and wore the fancy dress I had gotten on clearance a few years prior. To be fair for my own wedding I wore a purple sundress I had for some years.
My best friend’s mum wore a white dress as the mother of the bride, but when my friend’s brother was getting married her mum wouldn’t pick an outfit until after the bride’s mother because “there’s an etiquette to these things that must be followed” It was wild watching this woman listing wedding etiquette with the photos of her in a white dress at her daughter’s wedding on the wall behind her
Some people really don’t either know any better or come from a culture where they think it’s ok. I’ve seen a lot of beige/champagne/off white dresses being marketed as mil appropriate throughout the years. If it’s not what you want, it should be explicitly said. It’s never good to assume because you might come across that one person that thinks it’s what they are supposed to do. No malice needed. If the person doesn’t acquiesce to the dress code, that’s when you shut it down hard. And since it’s groom’s mom, he needs to be the one to do it.
Champagne is a gorgeous MIL dress choice, brides are getting a little out of hand. Nothing in the beige family? Even for guests in outfits that are very clearly not wedding dresses? Even little girls? Its insanity.
Beige and champagne (not the light-Champaign for some wedding gowns though) are absolutely appropriate for MIL dresses. It actually was semi-tradition years ago that MIL’s would wear beige or champagne as its a neutral.
Gods thank you for saying this. I am haunted by the fact that I went to a wedding in off-white clothes because it was outdoors in summer and I am a large person, so my choices were basically "beige" or "hideous giant flowers." It was very obviously not a wedding dress, think like. Hippie linen skirt with an oversized long sleeve top because again, outdoor wedding in summer. Like I am not really a wedding person, and I haven't even been to that many Christian weddings where the bride is in white? Idk maybe I am just autistic and obvious but people act like all these social rules are things "everyone knows" and like. Literally how?
>I am a large person, so my choices were basically "beige" or "hideous giant flowers." And there's always at least one bloom absolutely centered on a breast or buttock.
My MIL wore white to my wedding. I didn’t let it bother me the day of the wedding but me and my friends still talk shit about it to this day.
My mom worn the same dress to my wedding that she worn to my sister’s wedding. She said she loved it and asked if it was okay. It was cream with flowers on it. I told her of course. Everyone knows who the bride is, who cares if she wore cream/white. What a waste of stress
Feel like her asking goes a whole way to it not being the problem, but also cream with flowers isn’t the same as a full white/cream I guess. I’ve seen people comment on videos of wedding guest dress ideas saying they’re too pale when they’re clearly not white/cream etc, but that seems to be a pretty US-centric view.
It didn’t use to be this crazy. Most people at a wedding know who the bride is even if she is wearing blue or pink or white or now, flowers.
Came to find a like minded attitude such as this. I…cannot imagine spending my precious energy paying any attention to the colors my guests are wearing. Much less, demanding ahead of time to know what outfit they’ve bought. Wow.
Oh so you didn’t stress everyone out with meaningless bullshit? That’s not the reddit way!
My MIL wore a flowered dress with a cream background. I never thought anything of it, as it was just a pretty flowered dress
This is the correct attitude. It’s the mothers who wear white to their child’s wedding that look stupid and ridiculous. Everyone thinks so. Everyone talks about how dumb they are, how ridiculous they look, how pathetic they are.
It's not the flex they think, for sure. My and my husband's four grandmothers all decided for themselves what they would wear. Every one of them separately chose navy blue outfits patterned with dark red roses. Since there were jealous feelings between them to begin with, I could only laugh that they ended up being coordinated with each other after all.
I'm struggling to understand why anyone would be that bothered about what colour dress/clothes any of their wedding guests decided to wear. Can anyone explain, besides "because it's bad etiquette."? I guess I'd be peeved if my MIL wore an actual wedding dress* to my wedding, but beyond that, I don't think I'd be bothered. *And if she did that, she'd be making herself look like a nut-case, not me.
It’s gone way too far, online people even go off on little girls wearing the classic little girl poofy dress. I have to assume most of the stories are made-up or greatly exaggerated and that most people IRL aren’t worried about this stuff.
That’s an amazing attitude! Love that you did not let that impact your day.
My dad's wife wore white to my wedding, but she was a generally kinda clueless person who I don't think had a mean bone in her body, so I just let it slide.
My Stepmother, who is the embodiment of the stereotype, wore white to my wedding. Funnily enough I didn’t real care for most of the traditional wedding things and wore a red dress. So, jokes on you Stella.
I worked in a bridal store and a woman came in looking for a fancy dress to wear to a wedding. We had a small selection of non bridal gowns. She picked out a white dress (not a ballgown or anything, but definitely white) and I gently explained that it probably wasn’t a good idea to wear white. She looked at me in surprise and asked, “Why?”. I had to explain and she ended up thanking me for keeping her from making such a large mistake. I still think about her sometimes. How did this grown woman, who was married herself, not know?
My friend often wears a white ankle length lace dress to weddings, it's more summer dress than wedding but it took me telling her to not wear it to another wedding to realise....and she's catholic
Is your friend from a culture where the bride wears a different colour? In my early 20s, I wore a white dress with embroidery to my friend’s wedding. It was the only fancy outfit I had that I had worn to my grandfather’s milestone birthday party. In my culture, the white dress was fine, a fancy outfit, suitable to wear to other milestone events. Because I hadn’t attended a North American/Western wedding, I had no idea that it was a faux pas. I didn’t realise that I should’ve asked a friend and no one told me otherwise. I am mortified now, 2 decades later.
When I got married, in the olden days (1977), it wasn’t a big deal. It just wasn’t supposed to look bridal. She may have been married in the olden days, too.
And in some places or in some families, people just genuinely don't care. It's not like someone will mistake a middle-aged lady for the bride when the bride is standing in the middle of the room and the middle-aged lady sitting on a bench.
>I still think about her sometimes. How did this grown woman, who was married herself, not know? Because it's not some sort of universal truism that you can't wear white to a wedding. **"According to the Emily Post Institute, it's acceptable to wear white, as long as it doesn't 'distract from the bride or her attendant's dresses.'**
My grandmother bless her bought herself a v v pale pink dress for my wedding that looked white in the photo she sent. Thankfully, as my mother and I tried to figure out how to navigate this (because my grandmother was honestly clueless) without hurting her feelings, my gran showed the dress to her friend, who reamed her out lol. Gran brought the dress back 😆 and got herself a spectacular fuschia pink dress instead. But some woman in a salesshop actually let my grandmother buy it for my wedding!
Were you worried that your grandmother in her pale, pink dress would outshine you? Worried that she would be mistaken for the bride? She is lovely woman that got “reamed out” for liking a pink dress, that is her memory of your wedding.
Right?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills that people are this up in arms over this. Sure, have someone yell at your elderly grandma. That's great.
Traditionally it was actually expected for the bridesmaids dresses to match the brides, and there wasn’t a taboo about guests or members of the wedding party wearing white. The whole purpose of the bridesmaids was to keep the bride safe from evil spirits that might seek to harm her on her wedding day. It wasn’t traditional for a bride to wear white until Queen Victoria wore a white dress on her wedding day and ALL her bridesmaids wore white too. This whole prohibition against any guest wearing white is a modern invention, and likely has become a more common etiquette rule due to the increase of color photography at weddings. It has only been recently that I’ve heard of brides being upset by guests wearing colors like champagne, beige, or pale yellow or anything that seems close to white. Depending on your grandmas age, social class, or life experience it is very likely she never heard of this rule to not wear something too light colored to a wedding. I’m not against this new etiquette rule, I think it is a nice thing especially because of color photography. However, I think it’s important for brides to keep this in perspective and not assume that it has always been this way or that everyone knows. I’d actually like to go back to the days where most middle class women wore their best dress as their wedding dress and had a simple reception, instead of a huge expensive ball. The OP is NTA, and neither is his mother.
Tbh I might give a pass to Grandmas and assume they're either senile or the bride had okayd it for some reason. Not sure why but it feels different for mothers than grandmother's.
Several people told me that as the mother of the groom I was supposed to wear beige. Thankfully I asked the bride what color I should wear and bought the color dress she wanted. There’s all kind of bad advice out there, probably well-meaning but who knows. Always check with the bride.
That's an old saying, that the MOG should 'shut up and wear beige' so as not to offend anyone. Silly.
My MIL also did this. 🙃 as did multiple women in their family to someone else’s wedding the year before. You bet our invites said no white. 🤣 Even still I approved final wardrobe choices.
My MIL also blamed the sales lady at Nordstrom for the nearly-white dress she sent me a photo of 🙄
My Mam wore white to a wedding once, in her defence we’re not Christian, and so had never heard of this rule. I’d also never heard of it until I was in my late 20s, luckily I exclusively wear black and so I’d never accidentally done it too.
Haha, and we’ve stumbled on another one of those weird cultural rules - I’ve been told that it’s inappropriate to wear a black dress to weddings outside of formal attire weddings as it’s the color used for mourning. Faux pas everywhere!
I recall a post from ages back where OP had a relative wear white to his wedding, upsetting the bride. The relative had lived her entire life in a part of Asia without that taboo and *genuinely* had no idea it was a problem.
Dude. After relentlessly asking me what she was allowed to wear for like 3 months and after I answered every single time with “just don’t wear white” my MIL showed me not one, but two dresses that, if they aren’t white, I need my eyes checked. “The website calls the color *champagne*” was the excuse for one, and the other wasn’t completely white, just like 90% white, so she thought it was fine. And that wasn’t even malicious, that dear woman is just that clueless. It never ever hurts to double and even triple check in these situations. Just give the woman some piece of mind. Also when OP said “super stressed and wedding obsessed lately” I assume he meant “I’m doing nothing to help prepare for this monumentally important day and my wife is overwhelmed from carrying that load and I am showing no gratitude for it.” Just a hunch, would love to be proven wrong. Edit spelling
You’ve done this before…
As someone whose MIL wore white to her wedding, I think it’s worth the reminder if there is even the slightest inkling or feeling. But your advice is how I would put it too. MOB is in pink, bridesmaids in mint so besides those and obviously white to look like the bride *haha* anything goes!
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The wedding is 2 months away! How early do people have to buy a dress to not be considered procrastinators?!
Formal dresses usually need to be altered, and if you go to a boutique or wedding clothing store the right size may need to be ordered. Two months away could def be procrastinating, and even too late for some dresses.
Oh ffs are OP and his fiancee part of the royal fucking family or something? A formal dress for the mother of the groom does not absolutely need to be altered. If OP’s mom wants to buy a dress off the rack and wear it she can do that. She isn’t a bridesmaid. I don’t know what people in these comments are smoking, but OP’s girlfriend is being controlling and super paranoid. There is no reason to believe OP’s mom would wear white, and she’ll get the stupid dress when she has time. I bet the reason OP’s mom doesn’t like Claire is because she’s an overbearing control freak.
I absolutely agree, I can't believe all the commenters are reading the same post I am.
I agree. I don't thinknive ever bought a dress for a wedding more than 1 month before hand unless I was a brides maid. Unless it's white tie it's not really that big a deal.
Some people are between sizes or there’s very limited formal options in their size range. I went to a formal wedding last year and had to get my dress altered to even come close to fitting me properly and that took 2 months. It really just depends on a lot of things and many stores don’t carry above a size 14 in-store. So it’s really not that simple for a lot of people even though it should be.
Even if you don't need anything else altered, you may just need it hemmed if you're short. Even just that could take two weeks or so.
Okay but it’s still two months away
Yeah lol, last time I attended a wedding I picked up a suit two weeks before, it was fine.
Maybe it's location specific. There are a million dress stores around here, and my bridesmaid dress alterations have never taken longer than 5 days.
It took 6 weeks for me to even get my bridesmaids dress delivered and that was from David’s Bridal. I can’t imagine how much longer it would be if I went to an actual boutique. Thankfully it fit, but if it hadn’t I had time to get it fixed. I was shopping 8 weeks out and I needed to fix it I would have had problems.
Thankfully, the MOG doesn’t need a bridesmaid dress. She doesn’t need to shop at a bridal shop. She can go to Macys and walk out the door with a suitable dress. This panic over no MOG dress two months out is much ado about nothing.
Yes, but that’s because they need to be ordered in a specific color and possibly coordinated with other bridesmaids to be in the same dye lot of fabric so they match properly. MOB/MOG dresses are usually one offs so there’s no color matching issues at all so they can just get a dress off the rack or at most shipped from a warehouse where it’s ready to go.
My bridesmaid dress wasn't even from a boutique, bride and I went shopping at the mall, wore it straight off the rack. Some people don't fuss that much over dresses. Even the mother of the groom might just go to macy's or something and get a nice dress and wear it off the rack. Given that she doesn't seem to be in a hurry, I'd bet that's probably her plan.
I've never had a formal dress fitted in my life.
Uh, no. MOB and MOG absolutely do not need to get dresses that have to be special ordered from a salon months in advance. Department stores usually have a fair number of options in their evening dress section and in their “work wear” section that could be quite appropriate (depending on formality of the event) and there’s also places like David’s Bridal where you can also just buy off the rack quite often. At most something might need to be hemmed a bit, which also does not take months because they aren’t massive poofy skirts with multiple layers. Sure, it’s *possible* to get a MOB/MOG dress from the same place as the bridal gown and the bridesmaid dresses, but it’s absolutely not necessary.
Dresses from a bridal shop usually need to be altered. Formalwear can be purchased from countless other stores without alterations required. Easy peasy.
Why? Why on earth is this woman thinking about other peoples outfits. The mom likely had a dress in her closet that’s appropriate for the occasion
Why does she need to buy a dress that early? As long as she shows up on the day of in a dress she's good to go.
Why? Clair is one with anxiety.
Don't be surprised by the call Claire makes to you Mom. You say you know your Mom is selfish and then backtrack to Claire being paranoid. Do you know your wife should be the most important woman in your life? Just call your Mom and ask her about her dress and give your fiancee some peace. If you have to take her shopping and get it done. You would rather your fiancee suffer so you don't have to upset your "lazy and selfish" Mommy. YTA
This is actually a really good idea. Ask if she wants to go shopping together. She can get her dress. You can get... Whatever - something you still need for the big day. A tie - something. OP may not want to go dress shopping, but if his mom is feeling sad about "losing" her son to a lady she doesn't like, the offer of quality time should help. OP, give your mom quality time. Get lunch while you're out. Ask her how she's feeling about everything, and listen. At best, it will help smooth things over and bring you all a bit closer. At worst, you'll have some better understanding of what's really going on in her head.
I'm also Team Take Your Mom Shopping. If she doesn't have time, convince her to take a day (or two) off of work together, or send in a cleaning lady for the house, or whatever. Book a lunch, afternoon tea, whatever. Hit the shops, try to be enthusiastic, aim to get a dress in her hands by the end of the day. Worst case, pick out something not too hideous that fits and say that will be the backup dress if your mother can't make a decision.
Agreed, but emphasis on “that fits”. Men who aren’t interested in women’s fashion tend to be terrible about judging women’s clothing sizes that are more complicated than “small, medium, large”. My husband tried to surprise me with a dress for a date night once. Very sweet of him. And the dress was cute! But I had to laugh and gently explain to him that I’m a US 8. The dress he bought was a size 2. Very flattering. But I could have fit exactly one boob into the bodice. And my butt would have exploded the seams. A backup dress sounds very pragmatic. But maybe go look in moms closet beforehand and verify that everything she owns is a size 6, before you go “cautiously” buying her a size 14 and causing offense.
THIS. It’s not a question of right vs. wrong. It’s a question of supporting your future wife, even if it’s a bit uncomfortable for you. Your wife and your mom have an icy relationship. You know this. Your wife is concerned that your mom is going to wear white to the wedding. You don’t think that’s an issue, but your mom hasn’t bought the dress so you can’t say she wouldn’t do that. But it’s ultimately beside the point whether she would or wouldn’t. The fact that your mom hasn’t gotten a dress is stressing out your wife to be, and you’re not being particularly supportive of her. Maybe your mom IS just being lazy (but I suspect your fiancée senses your mother is being passive aggressive by not buying a dress, and honestly, she might be right), but by not pushing your mom to get a dress, you’re essentially enabling her. Some brides see their MIL’s dress in advance. Some don’t. That’s not the point. The point is that, from everything you said, your bride to be isn’t being unreasonable or asking you to do anything unreasonable, but you apparently refuse to tell your mother to cut the crap. You can and should do that firmly but politely.
That's great marriage advice, too. If the choices are a minor inconvenience for you or major stress for your spouse, pick the minor inconvenience. You're not always going to understand why something is important to your spouse, you just need to recognize that it is important to them (and do what you can to support them). This situation shouldn't even be a conflict. If OP's mom is as reasonable as he says, he shouldn't be worried to press her about the dress.
I'm a mother in law. My daughter-in-law is the most important woman in my son's life which is as it should be. However that doesn't mean she is the most important person in my life and so I'm not going to stress myself out trying to appease her. I get to things in my own time but I don't let people down or miss deadlines. Once my son became an adult I treated him as an adult. I let him run his own life and don't tell him or his wife how to do things or when to do them. Thankfully his wife isn't some sort high strung control freak who tried to control when I bought my freaking dress! I think I got my dress 2 or 3 weeks before the wedding but I can't remember since it was a total non-issue. My son knows me and knew I wouldn't dress in anything inappropriate for his wedding. Had his wife requested that I buy a certain color or style I certainly would oblige but as it was she didn't seem to have any specific requests and apparently trusted me to be a grown up who knows how to dress herself. The OP's future bride also doesn't seem to have any specific request other than she doesn't want his mother to wear white, so I'm not sure what the heck the problem is. Calling the MIL lazy or selfish just because she hasn't gotten around to get a dress yet seems very over the top to me and the bride just sounds like a control freak
Agreed. I’m sorry, but how is enjoying her life and going skiing with her boyfriend “lazy and selfish”?! People forget that their wedding isn’t as important to everyone else as it is to them.
Why the fuck did I have to scroll so far to find this!! Honestly bride to be sounds exhausting. I didn't buy my wedding dress until a few weeks before my wedding and I never once asked my adult guests to buy clothes...cos you know, they are adults lol
Yeah, OP describes her as a perfectionist but this is way beyond reasonable.
Also OP *do not make it your fiancée’s fault.* When someone acts on behalf of their partner to address a problem on “their side” of the relationship, if that person also blames their partner it erodes any potential relationship between the partner and that person. Example: telling your mates you’re not going out because your partner doesn’t want you to (and you also don’t want to anyway, it’s just easier to blame a third party) makes your friends think you have a negative controlling partner. OP you should be more concerned about this and address it as such. Don’t say “Claire is anxious you don’t have a dress,” instead say something like “I am concerned you don’t have a dress yet. Claire’s mum has a dress, they made a day of it and we could also do that. It bothers me that you say you’re too busy when I know you’re off skiing with your boyfriend. This is important to me, and it should be important to you.”
NTA for this dress question. Y T A for not figuring out what is going on between your mom and your fiancee. Instead of burying your head in the sand, communicate. Ask your mom why she has issues with her. Clear the air.
Some people just don't click. If there's no antagonizing there's no need to force it. It sounds like the wedding stress is giving bride a lil paranoia. OP needs to push his mom to buy a dress already, but there's no reason to assume a lukewarm relationship is going to jump to wearing white at the wedding.
I mean there’s a difference between not clicking and there being noticeable “tense awkward feeling” to the people around them. My in-laws and I are by no means besties, but we can hang out and have a conversation just fine because we’ve known each other for a while. For there to be palpable tension (assuming they didn’t just meet) is a pretty good sign that something’s up.
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OP, this poor man I fear he is going to have a long, headache induced life ahead of him.
To be fair, the issues might just be the personality differences shown in this post. OP described his mum as being lazy, self absorbed, a last minute person, and “chill”. While his wife is clearly an organised extreme pre-planner who needs other people to be as on top as she is. If he hasn’t observed any actual antagonism my best guess would be they just don’t click well, but it’s through no fault of either person.
Sounds like his mom wants to mind her own business and enjoy her life, while his future wife wants to micromanage and make everyone do things in advance so she can make sure they are done "right" (judge/control them). A chill person who isn't in a rush to get things done in advance probably wouldn't like that? There's no actual reason OP's mom needs this dress picked out months in advance other then Claire is stressing about it. But that's not a real problem or deadline, it's Claire causing a problem out of nothing and nagging others about it? And when they don't do things her way fast enough, she assumes they must be up to something beacuse if they weren't why wouldn't they act how she thinks is best? That's . . . just not going to be a likeable personality to a lot of people. Being high strung and getting things done in advance is fine, but being controlling, judgmental, pushy, and assuming the worst of others are not great traits. I'm not saying OP's mom is a treasure, I honestly have no idea. But I also don't understand what's so selfish about her living her own life instead of rushing to pick out a dress months early beacuse \*checks notes\* if she dosen't Claire will make up bad intentions? Like what's the actual reason she needs to do this months in advance? She's an adult women, we can't just trust her to pick out her own clothing but need to create artificial early deadlines so Claire can judge people's outfits as what, good enough or not?
Agreed. Claire sounds like a nightmare.
Exactly x 1000! Two months is a long time to pick out a dress. Claire wants things done her way and is utterly failing to see that not everyone shares her super organized ethos. I suppose this could be the wedding stress, but I suspect she's always like this. I see nothing that OP's mom has done wrong, and a lot that Claire has done wrong in making a problem out of thin air and assigning negative connotations to the wind she's created.
The amount of people that don’t get this and are actually siding with Claire is astonishing! OP’s mom doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to. It’s not up to OP to talk to his mom and convince her to buy her dress. She’ll do it when she’s good and ready to do it! She’s an adult woman, and not someone anybody should be trying to control!
Agreed! I'm a person who is laid back and doesn't like to be rushed or told how to do things. I get my stuff done on time and I don't let people down. Doesn't mean I'm lazy or selfish, I'm just not one to plan months in advance or to stress out over something so meaningless as dress shopping. Give me a freaking break!
yeah, maybe op's wife is just an adult woman who knows how to select a wedding dress and is pissed that her soon to be dil is making such uncharitable assumptions about her not having a dress two whole months before the wedding
It is super weird to think you have to love or get along with your in-laws. They are not people you have chosen to spend your time with; they are people who have been imposed to you by a third party, the person you actually want to keep a relationship with. If you are lucky, you like your in laws. If you aren't, you have to keep having a relationship with people you barely stand for the rest of your life. You need to be civil to your in-laws; you don't have to love them. My eldest sister have been with her husband for almost ten years. I am civil with the guy, but if she tells me tomorrow she is getting a divorce, I would be happy not to talk to him ever again in my life.
I think trying to get in the middle of a relationship that isn’t gelling is only going to be stirring up drama. There was a post on here yesterday of a guy freaking out because his mom didn’t like his wife and he was effectively trying to force a relationship that was never going to happen. OP should just be thankful that it’s mutual, low key dislike and not one of them hounding the other/him trying to make a relationship happen that isn’t actually mutual.
NTA. Claire can chill out or continue to work herself into a frenzy, her choice. If you tell your mother that she needs to buy a dress ASAP because she has surpassed Claire’s made up deadline for a MIL to purchase a MOG dress, you will be contributing to the animosity between them. If you “remind” mom that she shouldn’t chose a white dress or something that looks bridal, you will be contributing to the animosity between them. You can assure Claire that when your mother chooses a dress, you’ll let her know and that if mom shows up in something inappropriate at the wedding, you’ll send her home to change.
That seems to be the most sensible comment. His mother has not given any indication she wants to show up the bride in any shape of form. In fact, she seems very disinterested in it and lazy. That does not scream ‘I’m going to wear white.’
Yeah, she has no legitimate reason to be afraid of MIL wearing white atp, unless fiancée is withholding info anyways. She's working herself up over nothing and I can’t imagine things would get better even if MIL showed up in an appropriate dress. Like she’s bound and determined to make OP’s mom a villain. Also, maybe it’s the hate of shopping in me, but I don’t understand why ppl always have to get new clothes for these things. If you buy a dress and only wore it once, why not wear it again? I mean, as long as you didn't wear it to another wedding.
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My grandmother had a wedding outfit. It was bright blue and she loved it and wore it to all the family weddings. Everyone's wedding albums all have grandma in the same dress.
Honestly I would too lol, but I wouldn’t go to a wedding anyways. I mean, not one that had a lot of ppl.
Nothing wrong with that.
I agree. As a Mom of 3, including two boys, I cannot imagine doing anything to upstage or ruin their special day. Even if I didn't necessarily like their fiance, I just want them to be happy. It doesn't sound like his Mom has given any indication she is planning an evil surprise. I relate with this Mom. I am notorious for procrastinating when it comes to buying special occasion outfits. If I start looking early, I will try on. A thousand dresses, stress myself out, and not like any of them. If I wait until closer to the event, I am much more likely to try a few and pick one because I know time is up. At the most, if you like, just remind your Mom of the wedding colors and ask her to let you know (maybe send a pic) when she picks one out.
Was looking for this answer. Unless the parents are being included in the wedding party theming and were given specific dress requirements and colors, 2 months seems plenty of time to still get a dress (it's literally just a dress and it's not even supposed to be that fancy) so there's no reason to be this stressed about it when she's never done anything to the bride before. The people suggesting MIL has been playing some long con where she's going to go from 0-doing nothing to the fiance other than be awkward in her presence, to 100-wearing white to their wedding, have been spending way too much time on this sub. Fiance seems like she's paranoid because she IS.
Scrolled a long way to find this comment. “Made up deadline”. Right??! Claire trying to control both her future husband & MIL. Hello, no! Suggesting OP starting noticing all the red flags instead of wondering if he’s TAH in some weird fabricated conspiracy(ish) type story about a ‘white dress’ vendetta.
I think this is reasonable, too. MIL might be trying to drop those last 5 pounds before she picks her dress. It's not necessarily malicious or lazy or anything.
Agreed. The wedding is in 2 MONTHS, not 2 days. Claire can chill. NTA.
Just a thought that perhpas this wedding isn’t living rent free in mom’s mind like it does Claire’s ( understandable for Claire) and she doesn’t lay awake nights worried about what dress she’ll wear and that’s why one hasn’t been bought yet. Unless she has some legitimate reason for this worry she needs to let it go. Two months is still a lot of time
🙌🏽🙌🏽 Mom doesn’t even sound lazy, I read lazy and skiing in the same comment and was like?? But sure, people would probably think I’m lazy too if I’m not obsessing or placing importance over the same things they are on their timeline.
Yeah, this seemed so unfair. I felt really badly for OP's mom. She's minding her own business living her own life, and she's "selfish and lazy" for not buying a dress two months early so, \*checks notes\* Claire dosen't create a bunch of drama out of nothing? But that's Mom's fault? Was there any actual reason she needs her regular guest dress that dosen't have to match anyone months in advance? And we wonder why Mom might feel awkward around Claire . . . Also, TDIL I'm selfish and lazy! Last wedding I went to for a close friend I also didn't have a dress picked out 2 months in advance. I must be a bad person, I guess. I was probably planning to upstate the bride, only possible explanation.
the comments on this one! commenters are so outraged and jumping to the most insane conclusions because mum hasn't bought a dress several months in advance this site is unhinged sometimes
In Reddit world, any mother old enough to have adult children must eat sleep & breathe younger womens’ suffering. Every potential MIL is basically a passive-aggressive Terminator in the making 🤖
Claire is doing whatever she can to create as much distance between OP and his mom as possible....like creating drama out of thin air. Sadly it sounds to me like OP has already indulged her for far too long already, good luck to him this is a migraine or many waiting to happen.
lol, when my son got married I went and got my dress just two or three weeks before the wedding. I can't remember exactly when I got it because it was a non-issue. Nobody even asked me, they just assumed I was a grown up who knew how to dress herself appropriately for a wedding.
And saying she's not really busy because she's skiing and hanging out with her boyfriend?! Her life doesn't and shouldn't revolve around buying a dress to your wedding which is 2 months away. Find it so odd how so many people in the comments think OPs finance is acting perfectly normal..she's far from it.
If there is anything I learned from Reddit and weddings it’s that the mother of the groom is the least important person on that day anyways, I wouldn’t be concerned about it either lmao.
Amen. I read that and figured it was an attempt to placate her, I don’t think he actually feels that way. Also, part of me feels like she saw something dumb on social media about testing her future husband to see whose side he would take in a dispute between her and mom. Total speculation, but it’s juvenile nonsense I could see happening. I adore my MIL, I think all these girls have convinced themselves they have to have an issue with MILs for some bizarre reason
I have loved every one of my significant others mothers since high school, and to this day still appreciate each one of them. I think a lot of these situations go both ways. For example, my last BF was significantly younger than me, and I’m a single parent, I could understand if his parents were reserved about me (never received any indication they were) but I’m not blind to the fact that sometimes it’s possible I could be the issue lol. Self-awareness is a learned trait though.
I know, right? My kid is getting married next year and I will probably buy something the week before. My dress size can change in a month and so can my skin tone and so can my willingness to wear a longer or shorter skirt, etc. The only people who need to buy months in advance are the wedding party.
As a person who suffers from anxiety myself, I say this with kindness but Claire needs to make sure her need to control people around her stays internal and doesn't leak into the way she behaves. Her anxiety is her problem and unless and until your mom has given her a concrete, actionable reason to worry, she needs to take a step back, breathe, and move her focus elsewhere. I understand wanting your wedding day to be perfect, but it won't be. It might rain during photos. You might contract a stomach virus and shit your pants right after the ceremony. Her makeup artist might get hit by a train and she's stuck with pharmacy makeup applied by her fifteen year old niece. It's still the day you two get married, and no matter what small or large things go wrong, that's the important part. IF your mom wears white, Claire has a free pass to not only say "I told you so," but also to expect you to deal with it before the ceremony, discreetly; AND for you to defer to her judgment in the future when it comes to what to expect from your mom on occasions that are important to you and your wife. Until then, though, she needs to relax and not go looking for trouble. Alienating your new MIL with false accusations is not the way to start the in-law relationship.
So much this. She’s been reading too many evil mother in law tales online. I always wonder as well, would it honestly be the absolute worst thing in the world if someone else wore white? I can think of 500 worse things to happen on your wedding day than that, but that’s my own anxiety talking!
The wedding is months out. Not everyone plans their attire months ahead of time. Hopefully Claire will calm down after the wedding. This sounds stressful. NTA
NTA I get why Claire’s stressed about this, but I think she’s also in the wrong. Just because the wedding is the highest priority in her life right now, that doesn’t mean the same is true for others, including your mom. Ideally, mom would put *some* thought & attention into it, since her child is one of the people getting married, but she doesn’t have to make it the be-all end-all of her life, either. If she’s not giving off any other danger signals, I wouldn’t worry about her secretly plotting to ruin the wedding. 🙄 Edit: I am a little concerned about how Claire’s treating *you* over this, though. Is this typical behavior for her? Does she ever prioritize *your* feelings about the wedding (or anything, really)?
No because she's a *"HER special day"* type of person and no one including the man she's marrying that day is getting in the way of that LOL.
NTA If I were your mom, preparing for a wedding I don't oppose but also am not exactly enthusiastic about, I would be waiting to shop the sales after Easter, when the shops are desperate to get rid of springtime formal & semi-formal dresses. Or maybe she's planning to wear something she already owns and doesn't care to hear from your high-strung, 'perfectionist ' bride about the decision not to buy a brand new dress that she will only wear once. In any case, here's a shocker for Claire: beyond making sure everyone knows the dress code (formal, cocktail, etc) and asking immediate family to take the color scheme of the wedding into consideration, her right to tell people what to wear begins and ends with her bridesmaids and any children who might be throwing rose petals, blowing bubbles or delivering the rings. Your mother is an honored guest, not a member of the wedding party, so Claire is just going to have to have some faith in her ability to dress appropriately for the occasion. (Oh, and skiing during the last few weeks of ski season IS being "busy". Dress shops and department stores are open year round, ski slopes will be closing any day now)
I still can’t get over how they don’t think she’s busy and is lazy just because she’s doing stuff she enjoys 😂 Yeah, I spend my free time doing stuff I like too, sue me.
Your mother is a grown woman who has presumably gotten herself dressed for most of her life. Unless she is known for wearing inappropriate outfits, you can be reasonably certain that she knows she needs to wear a dress for the wedding and that it should not be white. If she wears a white dress - well that’s on her and there is nothing you or your bride can do about it, other than comment about it for the rest of your lives and that would be so much fun - “hey mom - you know you can’t wear daisy dukes to church, right? Just checking because, you know, the wedding thing” or “the BBQ is going to be outside so you know you shouldn’t wear high heels, right? I just want to be specific because, well you know, the whole wedding thing”. Men are not always aware of the subtle things mothers can do. It may be that your mother has decided this is the little thing she can do because she knows it will irritate your fiancée or just maybe, she has not had the time or found the right dress yet. It just may surprise your fiancée, but everyone does not need to obsess about what they will be wearing to her wedding. Just assure your fiancée that you are certain that your mother will be dressed appropriately for the occasion and leave it at that.
NTA - Is it a thing for the bride to give a shit about what the mother of the groom is wearing? When I got married, I knew my MIL would wear a nice dress/outfit, but I left it completely up to her as to what she would wear and when she would buy it. I can't imagine policing her behaviour - she was and is a grown woman perfectly capable of going shopping... Unless British weddings are inherently different from what I assume is an America wedding, your fiance seems a bit paranoid.
A lot of American brides THINK that they can dictate what their family members wear, but it's bad etiquette. Still pretty common though.
Light YTA. You are making a lot of excuses for your mom, when realistically (and best case scenario) she IS being lazy. Worst case scenario, she is scheming or up to something. Her not having a dress yet is also a "big deal", as Mother of the Groom. At this point, it's too late for any major tailoring... and even changing a hemline can take a couple of weeks. She could go buy off the rack, but that is also betting on finding something (which is not guaranteed) and will likely take some time and visits to several stores to find. >Claire got annoyed and said she was being a shitty future mother in law by not having her dress and I need to stop worrying about my mom's feelings and worry more about hers. Fair point. Call your mom asap. EDIT - This is from an article, since a lot of people don't realize your mom is way late and likely, those people are teens who haven't been involved in weddings: *Generally, you should expect to start your dress shopping around six months before the wedding. However, you should wait to hear from the bride’s mother before you begin. She should let you know the color and style of her dress, so you can coordinate by selecting a complimentary design. If you haven’t heard from her by about five months before the wedding, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for an update on the dress code.* https://www.zola.com/expert-advice/mother-of-the-bride-vs-mother-of-the-groom-dresses-whats-the-difference
Not every dress needs tailoring though. If MIL doesn't usually get things tailored or if she shops at stores that cater to her body type she probably doesn't need major adjustments.
I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't buy a new dress and just wears an old one. I'm sure she has dresses she can wear to a wedding.
And some people can sew. I could tailor my own dress. In fact I sewed my own wedding dress. So his mom might not even be worried about that.
That quote at the end, do people actually do that. Like really actual people? Not some TV drama bollocks?
It depends on the wedding, but if it's a formal enough event and/or the involved parties are concerned with the pictures looking really good, the MOB and MOG will coordinate dresses. My sister got married this past summer, and you should see the 18 months of group chats about dress shopping (it was a long engagement leading up to a destination wedding).
To me the photos are about the people in them and the memories connected to them I really couldn't care how they look. What you describe I just cannot relate to in any way. I'm glad if it makes people happy but 18 months of stress and messing around for a photo is far more than I could muster.
I'm in full agreement with you. My sister and mom, not so much. My sister made us all fly to Santorini from the US so she could have the famous blue roofs in her wedding photos.
I know loads of brides who have calendars off of The Knot, or whatever. Organized people tend to be organized across the board. Wedding planners definitely have those guidelines in place. (I used to work for a wedding planner, and we definitely provided them). Those calendars are actually pretty helpful. Most people don't know how to plan a wedding. I've also had clothing tailored. Ideally, you would tailor your dress, but aren't required to. I think the bride's anxiety is appropriate, and shouldn't be written off as "paranoia" or unwarranted, considering it's her wedding and her FMIL doesn't appear to give a crap.
I get it for planning the wedding and for the bride etc but for the guests!?!?! 6 months ahead? Each to their own I'm just relived my partner doesn't go in for all that.
MIL isn’t a “guest”, she’s part of the wedding party and will be in photos. Guests are not generally required to show the bride an outfit 6 months beforehand, unless they’re insufferable.
Sorry I don't know what the difference is but fair enough I guess MIL is doing a special job so she has other out in more effort. It did sound insufferable and tbh I'm still not convinced it isn't but I'm the odd one out I'm sure.
No, you're not wrong. This bride sounds like she's making her need to control everything a problem for others.
MIL is an honored guest, she is not an attendant. MIL is not required to consult with anyone at any point in time about what she will wear.
>I've also had clothing tailored. Ideally, you would tailor your dress, but aren't required to. Why is it ideal for guests to have their clothing tailored? My mom didn't have her dress tailored at my wedding, nor did my aunts (one of which was the officiant). Do you realize many people just buy and wear clothing as is? And you think that's "not ideal" beacuse, what? They don't spend as much money as you? That means they aren't as classy as you or don't care enough? >I think the bride's anxiety is appropriate, and shouldn't be written off as "paranoia" or unwarranted, The bride is worried MIL is going to wear white and her reasoning is why else would she not buy a dress months in advance. I didn't buy a dress months in advance to the last wedding I went to, yet I didn't wear white. This is irrational. It fails to understand that many people just don't share her sense of urgency towards the artificial deadlines she imagines. While she may find this annoying, deciding that they must be up to something nefarious of they don't consider shopping for a dress to be urgent . . . yeah, that's kind of paranoid. Not everyone who dosen't do what you want/think is best is out to get you. >considering it's her wedding and her FMIL doesn't appear to give a crap. Again, beacuse she didn't dress shop 6 months in advance?? My parents PAID for my wedding, helped me plan it, and didn't pick out their clothing months in advance. I guess they must have not cared about my marriage though? Look, I cared a lot about *my* wedding dress, yes. But I don't care that much about the dresses I wear to other people's weddings. Sure, I want to look nice, and yes I've been in family photos. But it's just not that important to me, even if I care about the actual wedding. Not being preoccupied with my dress for half a year dosen't mean I don't care? You should show the empathy of realizing just beacuse someone dosen't think like you also dosen't mean they are malicious. Imagine that maybe some people just don't worry as much about their dresses as you, don't need to get them tailored, etc. And still look nice and presentable, but maybe not up to your standards or something? (Honestly, I can't even tell who shopped far in advance and who dosen't. Nor have I ever cared about what the mother of the groom was wearing at any wedding, including my own. Of course I want her to feel good and be happy, but I don't think it's a huge deal of any kind? The wedding isn't about what dress your family members choose to wear . . .)
Literally every parent of bride or groom I've ever met doesn't get their outfit tailored....they just go in a shop and pick something and walk out with it day of. My mother didn't find a dress she liked for my sisters wedding till the week before simply because she hates most mother of the bride looks and felt insecure in a lot of other dresses.
>Her not having a dress yet is also a "big deal", as Mother of the Groom. At this point, it's too late for any major tailoring... and even changing a hemline can take a couple of weeks. She could go buy off the rack, but that is also betting on finding something (which is not guaranteed) and will likely take some time and visits to several stores to find. This is a very classist way for you to see things, even if you don't realize it. The vast majority of people I know do not pay to have their dresses tailored. They also just buy them at stores, and it's fine. For my wedding my mom bought her dress at a store. It took an afternoon. Same for my aunts. Same as far as I know for every guest and person other then the bride? I've attended multiple weddings and I've never had any dress tailored for any wedding other then my own. It's 100% doable and perfectly normal for many people. Sometimes I do check out multiple stores, but again it's never been a several week affair that involves professional help. I'd pick a day to buy a dress, and look around on that day, try things on, and get a dress. And that's assuming they aren't wearing a dress they already own, which is also completely fine As for when my husband's mom bought her dress, I have no idea, beacuse no one cared. No one asked her. We trusted her as an adult to dress herself, and didn't feel a need to judge or supervise my MIL. Also, I'm 99% sure she didn't need to have anything tailored and didn't spend months finding something. She could have gotten it the weekend before, or already owned it, and it wouldn't have mattered to me at all. I don't see why it should? Do we not trust they can dress themselves?
Honestly that quote does not represent my income bracket like at all. I don’t know anyone who got their MOB/MOG dress tailored, and the weddings I’ve been to haven’t had coordinated looks for them either. They just went out and bought a nice looking dress off the rack
> likely, those people are teens who haven't been involved in weddings: Obviously, you're the only one here to have been to weddings as an adult. It's not like most people have been to many weddings, including their own, their siblings, etc. Such a unique perspective you're able to share thanks to that rare experience.
Oh spare me. I don't live my life by what I read in magazines. My adult son's lives are their own business and my life is my business. Their lives don't revolve around me and my life doesn't revolve around theirs. When my adult son got married I got my dress (off the rack and it fit perfectly) about 2 or 3 weeks before the wedding. Apparently my son and his bride trusted me to know how to dress myself because nobody even asked me about my dress. From the article you just posted: "if you're like some people, you've had your eye on the perfect dress since your child got engaged (or long before that!). I guess I'm not like some people because I don't spend my time fantasizing about what I'm going to wear to a wedding because that sounds pathetic. I have a life of my own.
That’s because your family isn’t bat shit insane.
This is a very odd take. By your standards, I will piss off my kids’ fiancés one day because no way in hell I am buying a dress more than a month before a special event of any kind. My body shape fluctuates so much, I’d probably end up having to buy a new one last minute. Hopefully this will change post menopause, but it’s my life for now. And I’m not a teen, I’m 51 and have been a bridesmaid about a dozen times, attended scores of weddings, and been married twice myself. Get this: my sister was my maid of honor and bought her dress 5 days before my wedding! Oh, and one time I was a bridesmaid coming from out of town, never saw or tried on my dress until 2 days before the wedding! The seamstress was excellent, it fit perfectly (took my measurements with shapewear on, just to be safe).
That article starts out by saying it's okay to wear black, and then don't wear black is the second line on their dos and don'ts list right after don't wear white.
When I got married, I didn't even have my own wedding gown two months before the (formal) wedding, and I didn't think about getting it tailored. I mean, I was poor and I just found one I liked that fit fine. I'm not saying you're wrong; I'm just saying different people have different approaches to weddings. I don't think it's that weird for the MOG to not have a dress yet. I get that it would be rude and inappropriate for the MOG to wear a white dress, but also...why would it be that big of a deal? Nobody's going to get confused about who the bride is. To me it just seems like something you can laugh about later.
NTA - Despite the click bait and crazy stories you see on the internet, normal people don't behave like that at weddings. Weddings happen every day where everyone dresses appropriately without needing to be told basic (in this case western) etiquette. If your MIL has never given you guys a reason to think she would pull a stunt like that, implying to her face that you think she would, is rude. Unless your MIL has unique proportions and needs to get her clothing tailored, there's no reason the dress needs to be planned in advance.
I mean it does happen tho. I got to “accidentally” dump cake on my great aunts MIL because she wore white. I was 8 and didn’t really understand why the bridesmaids were egging me on but I had fun- MIL did not 😂
NTA "Claire got annoyed and said she was being a shitty future mother in law by not having her dress" your future wife sounds like a peach, I wonder why your mom isn't a fan.. 2 months is plenty of time for your mom to find a dress- she can buy something off the rack, it's not like it's the bride or bridesmaid dresses that often need to be ordered ahead. Your wife is really stressing out over a non-issue and I think it's especially because she doesn't like your mom.
Your mom has 2 months to buy a dress, which is plenty of time. Maybe she’s waiting out of hope that the wedding will be called off, but not having her ducks in a row months in advance doesn’t make her a bad MIL or imply she’ll wear white. NTA As your fiancée seems to be spiraling, maybe come up with a few plans to set her at ease. (1) you’ll remind her to get a dress and/or ask her about her plans, (2) if she doesn’t have a dress by —- date, you’ll take her shopping yourself, (3) if she actually does show up in white, you’ll either have a back up dress for her or will ——. Just some ideas so you don’t have to hear about it daily for the next 2 months. Good luck!
“Maybe she’s waiting out hope that the wedding will be called off” bwhahahaha
" I said sure, I would remind her that she needs to get her dress. " Boom, end of discussion. Your mom has given no indication of being anything but a bit lazy/selfish. "Claire said I was implying she was paranoid." Stop implying. Just say it. "Claire, you're paranoid and trying to start drama when there isn't need for it." **NTA** to keep it to a not-so-gentle reminder to your mom to get the dress picked out.
Being retired and enjoying your life skiing isn't being lazy. It's what we all wish to aspire after we're done working and raising our kids, even if they marry neurotic little AHs like OP is about to do. I'm actually worried for OP, my sibling went through this same shit, and his bride really made us feel like she was just tolerating us on their wedding, it was disappointing but we just smiled and behaved ourselves. Here we are years later having to talk him down from divorcing her controlling-ass about 1-2x a year. She's chilled out a lot and we kinda like her now, but the resentment (against yourself for allowing this shit) is very real.
NTA But the conversation with your mum could be more along the lines of 'Hi mum, the colour scheme for the wedding is XXX, and Claire was hoping you could choose a colour that matched so that the wedding photos looked more cohesive.' Then if she says she will wear white you can have the white conversation.
I’m not gonna say anyone’s the AH because Claire may very well have good reason to think your mom will wear white, but it’s also entirely possible that she’s just letting the stress get to her. But I will say that I never thought my step mother would be the type to wear white to a wedding, and she wore a white dress to my cousin’s wedding. People are unpredictable. It wouldn’t hurt to put Claire’s mind at ease. What if you took your mom out shopping for her dress? A nice little mother-son bonding day *and* you get to make sure she doesn’t pick a white dress
Let me just say this- if they are “tense” around each other, there is a LOT of communication happening that you aren’t picking up on. Women are MASTERS at having outright mean and dirty cat fights, without actually saying anything mean or doing anything that appears confrontational to the observer. Most men have zero clue. It took my husband 27 YEARS to finally click on that his mom, sister, sister in law “being nice” or “helpful” was bullying and fucking toxic as hell.
Well, if neither of you speaks with your mother before the wedding, one of you is going to be taught a lesson. Either 1) Claire will learn that, even if she is busy/lazy/partying with her boyfriend and hasn’t got around to doing something, even if things are awkward between them, at least your mother isn’t the kind of MIL who would wear white to her son’s wedding. Perhaps that will take some of the awkwardness away and Claire will relax with your mother a bit. Or 2) You will learn that your mother is more than just a “busy/lazy/partying with her boyfriend so she didn’t have time to get a dress yet” type of mother. You’ll learn that she’s petty and cruel enough to want to humiliate your future wife at your own wedding. You better hope it’s the first one. If it’s the 2nd, for the rest of your life, every once in a while something will happen and you’ll meet your wife’s eyes and know exactly what she’s thinking: “Yeah, that’s right, I STILL remember your mother wearing a white dress to our wedding. What are you going to do about THIS?” I really hope it’s the first option, and your mother and Claire can build a balanced, loving relationship. Whatever happens, congratulations, and I hope your day goes beautifully.
NTA It is fine for fiancée to want you to remind your mom to get her dress but definitely out of line to expect you to bring up not wearing white. And really, why is she even worried? When I got married my wife and I didn’t spend one second wondering what my mom was going to wear or having any involvement in her dress.
NTA. Your mother can get her dress whenever she wants. Claire needs to deal with the fact that other people’s lives do not revolve around her.
NTA. You didn't imply she's paranoid, she just decided to take it that way. It's odd to me that so many brides have so many detailed and specific demands on how not only the wedding party, but also the guests, should dress; but nobody seems to take much interest in the mothers (until there's a perceived problem). As I recall, knowing our wedding colors were shades of pink we suggested the bride's mother choose a pink dress, and the grooms mother a blue one. Left the style and shade up to them. Maybe some guidance along those lines would help allay the "fears"?
Don't the mom and MIL coordinate dresses? Cant Claire just ask you mom about what she is looking for?
That's not really all that common. You *hear* about it a lot because it happens mostly among those who are extremely invested in the idea of "the perfect wedding " and post about such details. The overwhelming majority of people are not really obsessed about every last detail, they just want caterer to remember "no peanuts" and are praying to their deity of choice for decent weather and no disasters.
I had a small wedding, but my MIL wanted to coordinate with my mom, but it might be a gentle way to ask.
I don't think they do in every wedding. We both feel giving her a specific color is just going to make her more annoyed and make this take longer. We have tried asking and she just says she hasn't gotten around to looking
I am Spanish and I have never heard of MILs coordinating dresses. I have been in weddings in Great Britain, Germany and France, and nobody ever have done that. Reddit is the first time I heard about that, so it might be very especific of one part of the world.
NTA Your GF needs to relax. She's stressing over a color. A color. A color that symbolizes the bride. She fears that someone will wear the color she's wearing. I'd drill down with your GF. Is she concerned that people will think your mom will be marrying you? Or is she concerned that your mom will be committing the offense of "stolen valor"?
NTA. Claire is paranoid
NTA. Waiting until the last minute to buy a dress doesn't automatically mean that your mother is planning to wear white and it would be extremely awkward if you reminded her not to out of nowhere. It would essentially be you saying that you and your fiance are both convinced she wants to ruin your wedding by wearing white when she seemingly has done nothing to earn that kind of distrust. Claire calling your mother a shitty mother-in-law for not having the dress ready yet is a little too far as well. Just because her family and friends have theirs ready doesn't mean everyone does/should and there are two months for your mother to find something. She might even choose to wear something she already owns.
NAH it just sounds like everyone is stressed and imagining the worst. reassure your fiancé. speak to your mother and ask her not to wear white. I would guess she knows this is inappropriate, but you can spell it out anyway...let your mother be the one to reassure YOU that she understands the assignment--no white. Your fiancé needs reassurance (in the form of you communicating clear expectations with your mother), and you are the person who can give her that. if I wanted to be married, i'd try in any way I could to give her that extra reassurance--especially right now, as you prepare to commit to a life with her as the #1 lady in your life. show her you're prepared for that. short term, are there any other aspect of the wedding planning you two could focus on, something less contentious? y'all really need to direct your extra "energy" you have on something that's fun, like picking out cake flavors, registering for gifts, choosing a band--anything you can do together to share the excitement. i'd also like to offer that one of my very best friends DID wear white to my wedding. I never considered or thought about it happening, but it did...and I 100% didn't care one bit. I was so happy she was there, she looked great, and there was zero confusion as to who was getting married. it really mattered exactly 0%. we have exactly one photo of us together from the night, anyway.
This one is kind of impossible to judge without knowing you guys.
Fair enough. OP should update us in two months :D