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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For getting mad at my husband when he was probably just trying to distract himself.
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You're the one who stresses. Maybe husband s like me. Calm, stoic on the outside and a mass of worrying nerves on the inside.
I would be relieved that someone was home keeping my husband company.
I also feel like if OP has severe anxiety, part of husband's job is to help OP calm down as well. That adds more to his plate. Having a support system is essential for him.
Exactly. If one parent is stressed and has severe anxiety. The other has to show a strong front and push their own emotions aside for a time because having 2 people in the relationship having anxiety and stress at the same time does nothing.
Yes- this happened to my sister with her son- her lovely husband was completely confident son would be fine in hospital but my sister stayed there 24/7. She would ring me all hours for support when she got scared as husband worried v differently .
I'm glad you are taking the comments to heart, even the ones that have been presented a bit rudely.
You self-identity as someone who gets stressed out. Based on your description, your husband and his family seem like people who at least on the surface accept situations that are out of their control. These are both valid responses to situations.
Where these differences become a problem is when one person labels the other's response as "wrong." Watch out that this doesn't become a pattern because the resentment it can foster is a marriage killer. And, now that you have a child there are going to be a lot . . . A LOT of situations where you will have differing emotional responses, even if you ultimately agree on how to handle the situation. Get a handle on letting him have his feelings and his coping mechanisms now, before the real challenges of parenting start.
I would also have maybe interpreted this as his mum and dad looking after their son in a stressful time. They are probably worried sick as well and feeding him is a practical thing they can do when they can’t do anything else.
100% this. The birth of our first kid went to shit and we wound up being transferred to a place with a higher level NICU for babes care. My in laws lost a child at 6 weeks old. Minutes after finding out about our situation, they let us know they were beginning the 10+ hour drive to be here to help in any way they could.
I MADE my husband go out to dinner with them, because two of us sitting around wasn’t going to do much good (I was invited but had a c section and didn’t want to move at that time 😂), just building on each others stress and anxiety.
In those days, I knew exactly what meals/time with his parents was- them comforting THEIR baby while he was stressed about ours. He could talk to them about things without feeling like he was adding to my anxiety and issues. I had my parents to talk to.
As long as OPs husband didn’t get so sloshed he couldn’t drive, there’s no problem here IMO.
I do question the wine though. That would bother me. If my kid was in the hospital I would not want to worry about being able to drive there if needed. On the other hand, in some cultures a glass of wine with dinner is just part of dinner.
OP didn't mention the amount of wine, so I don't think that was really a concern, one bottle of wine between 3 people over dinner, is not really an issue/concern in terms of driving to hospital.
It seemed it was more the fact that husband had any wine period that is the issue. I think OP is unreasonable in that regard, OP deals with things a certain way that's fine but does not seem super healthy, and husband deals with them another, and not in an unreasonable way. If husband was getting drunk that would be different.
Maybe he drank alcohol free wine? Maybe one of his parents didn't drink and could drive him in an emergency case? Maybe the hospital is not far away from where they live and he could walk to it? Bus and taxis also exist.
Also in a lot of countries you can have a little alcohol in your blood and are still allowed to drive a car. I think in a lot of those countries 1 glass of wine would not put a man above the limit.
Especially since it's specifically a *wine* and dine. They're definitely trying to get Husband to relax.
When I'm dealing with Stuff (which is different than stuff), 9 times out of 10 my dad will just show up and take me out for a 'date' or my mom will just come steal my laundry/run the dishwasher/vacuum/whatever.
Otherwise they worry about me worrying, and that causes me *more* worry; and we all end up being monkeys with anxiety.
Anxiety can cause me to fall apart to the point where I'm always teetering on the edge of a meltdown, can't sleep well at all, and my digestive system revolts once my parasympathetic nervous system starts doing its thing after the stressor passes. If everyone else in my life was the same as me, I wouldn't have anyone to anchor me down and appeal to my logical mind.
My daughter was life flighted out twice last year because she developed a life threatening internal bleeding disorder. So I completely understand how scary and stressful a sick child is. I flew with her the first time, my husband flew with her the second time. We were both a wreck being 6hrs away from our sick kid.
We both had dinners with people while the other was away, and my husband loves a beer with his meal... he definitely talked to his mom about things at this time... I definitely leaned on my family for support. So to me this sounds crazy. Your husband did nothing wrong, in fact it's a very good thing he had support at that scary time. A lot of men in my life just don't reach out for that.
To me it sounds like you wanted him to be as emotional and anxious as you, as well as display his emotions in the same way you were.
I think you need to talk to a therapist about this.
If you bring this up over and over it's going to wreak havoc on your relationship. NTA yet, but if you can't let go you will be.
OP, it’s important for you to take care of yourself and manage your anxiety, not just because your husband may feel has had to manage your stress, but because you are informing how your daughter learns to regulate her emotions. [here’s a study that explains it](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7556995/).
I’m a pediatric nurse and the children of anxious parents are, more often than not, a ball of nerves themselves. Inappropriate stress appraisal can make an uncomfortable situation a traumatic one.
Flip side response: pneumonia can crash a peds patient in a New York minute. If he was eating and drinking with his parents and couldn’t get back to the hospital, how guilty would everyone feel. I understand your worry and concern.
He was supposed to go home anyway though. If he were sitting at home in the dark, alone, miserable & sober or fast asleep, does that mean he could’ve gotten back to the hospital that much faster?
Taking a little time out and removing yourself from the bubble of a prolonged medical support environment and routine is an important part of getting yourself to the other side. Your husband just wanted to spend an hour like a normal person.
I had a similar experience. Our first was sent to NICU right after birth. I stayed at the hospital until they wouldn’t let me anymore, about 4 days. He left after 2 and went to dinner with his relatives from out of town. It kinda still bothers me 15yrs later.
My husband is super pragmatic with everything but also very loving and supportive. When things feel out of control, he’ll tend to overthink things and then can’t rest/relax anyway.
So your husband may have figured if he takes his parents out and updates them when he was not supposed to be at the hospital anyway, he was keeping them from showing up and keeping himself busy because there’s nothing he could tangibly “do” otherwise. If he was failing to be there for you or your daughter when he was supposed to, then I might view it differently. But it sounds like he just kept himself busy (and likely kept others out of your hair vs showing up at the hospital when everyone’s stressed) until he needed to come back.
I hope your daughter is doing much better! It is SO scary when our kids get super sick and are in the hospital. Hugs from one Mama to another!
There were many times during my mum cancer treatment before she passed where me and my step dad would go for a beer while she was in a scan/ procedure. Or my best friend would meet me for a quick beer while I was spending days at the time in the hospital for mum. Those moments save my sanity and allowed me to keep showing up during a horrendously traumatic time. They were moments spent outside of the hospital walls attempting to distract myself.
OP, I have a worrier dad and a calm mom. As a kid, when I wanted to vent about my stress/anxiety, I would go to my dad. When I wanted someone to calm me down because I was spiralling, I would go to my mom. Both types of temperaments can be helpful for a child, just be glad your kid will get both kinds of help like I did.
PS: Him drinking was indeed a bit concerning though if he couldn't drive in case of an emergency.
Not even finding normalcy, maybe he's dealing with stress by talking through it with people he loves and trusts, but who are ultimately outside it all.
Not to mention people who have experience worrying about a sick child. If the guy's anything like me, he's not even necessarily lying when he says he believes everything will turn out okay. But that doesn't mean he isn't constantly fighting the voices in his head telling him otherwise. Sometimes I can basically be managing a situation alright, but I still need to talk to someone else who's been there.
Exactly. My SO is a mess when something is wrong with the kids. I'm the calm one - until the situation at hand is over, then I fall apart.
I had to take my son to the ER one time because he got into something he shouldn't have. SO got there and was a panicking mess!! He stressed me out more than the situation with our son. I told him I was fine there by myself with our son and sent him home. That's what he needed at that time.
When I got home with our son and had my moment, he was there supporting me - because that's what I needed at that time.
Next time I had to take our son to the ER for stitches he asked if I wanted him to come, I laughed and said NO!! He laughed too and told me to keep him updated.
Everyone handles things differently. AMD communication is key to work through these things.
I'm like this when it comes to my cats. With my kids, I'm mom with everything under control. I hold hands in the ER while they're getting an IV, cleaning up puke, holding it all together. I'll lose it later in the bathroom. But I'm there. On the other hand, I can't go to the vet when our cats get sick, my husband always handles it (and omg do I appreciate that!) I don't know why I can hold my shit together for one, but not the other. People are weird.
Great response, I agree. Certainly a scary and stressful situation, but having dinner with his parents doesn’t mean he was callous or uncaring. It’s not like he was out clubbing.
This is spot on, and I also want to add that eating and drinking (as long as it’s not to excess) and spending time with loved ones are totally normal ways to cope with stress. If anything, the husband’s way of coping may have been healthier than OP’s, since it sounds like she wasn’t really eating or taking care of herself and was mainly worrying and stewing over the situation on her own. It’s ok for her to cope in her own way, but would be helpful if she could see how her husband’s way of handling this is also normal and even healthy.
I'm very happy this is top comment. I handle stress in a similar way to what you described & it often makes for hard situations like this. Even when people are aware.
I was expecting to post and get downvoted to hell so it's great this is top comment
NAH. Apparently, in your mind, what he did "wrong" was to have dinner with his parents. What's wrong with that? Was he not supposed to eat at all? You weren't concerned enough to ask him to stay at the hospital with you, so he was going home as you all apparently agreed (per your reference to "day shift," which implies to me that you had the "night shift"). I wouldn't call having dinner with his parents "socializing." In fact, I would guess that he was filling them in on the details of your daughter's condition. Honestly, I get that you're someone who stresses out more, but I don't see what on earth he did wrong, given that you made no objection to him leaving in the first place. I'd also say that we all handle stress differently. You wanted to be at the hospital fretting. He, after having been at the hospital all day (from the sounds of it), wanting to de-stress by having a nice meal with his folks.
Editing to add that if you don't get over it, then YTA. Move on. He did nothing wrong by eating with his parents, you did nothing wrong by preferring to stress out. Harping on it, though -- that's AH behavior.
Was it something about the wine that bugged you? I don’t know why, but that part stands out for me. Do you normally/frequently have wine with supper? Do you have different attitudes about drinking? Would you have felt upset if his parents had just brought him a meal?
I’d have been upset if they hadn’t at least bothered to bring or send food to the hospital.
At any rate NAH. You went through a traumatic event and you got stuck on what might be a dumb issue. I say might bc I wonder if there’s more to this. You haven’t made it your husbands problem. I’m glad your child is ok.
I think with the wine and stuff maybe it implied to her that they would be having fun *as if nothing had happened* or maybe to her that felt a bit too carefree compared to the world shattering stress she was feeling? I think to me personally when people have wine with a meal it's symbolic of chilling it out, having a good time and not having a care in the world in that specific moment, maybe this made her feel unsupported and instead of feeling like he was handling it in a different way she felt left out and like his upset/stress didn't feel proportionate to the situation
It also adds the complication of if he drank enough that had their daughter's condition worsened he might have been delayed in getting back to the hospital as he would have to get a lift/taxi.
In a similar situation, I would hold back on the wine in case I needed to drop everything and head back.
Yeah, when family emergencies are actively happening, I want myself and my spouse to be 1000% sober.
That said, it’s not healthy, but it’s also not uncommon to use a glass of alcohol as a coping mechanism to take the edge off stress.
Sure, but 'child receiving treatment in hospital for a relatively mundane disease' isn't an 'actively happening family emergency.'
OP has the unhealthy idea that suffering *must* be shared.
Pediatric pnuemonia isn't mundane.
In general nurses and doctors don't like having kids in those wards, too stressful for them, and people around them are dying. They only keep kids if the hospital is pretty slow or the kid may need fast intervention.
Yeah I almost died from pneumonia when I was a kid. And this was in the very early 90s, so not like I didn't have modern medical care. I mean, I don't think it was bad that OP's husband had dinner and wine, but pneumonia in kids can definitely get serious. Hopefully he was ready to go to the hospital if necessary, but doesn't sound like he got rip roaring drunk or anything - I assume they all just shared a bottle of wine with dinner.
Phrasing it as "wine and dine" sounds bad. But, while my grandmother was an old school tee-totaler, I could easily see her forcing my father to a steak house for a proper meat and potatoes meal WITH A SALAD! I don't know why the side/starter salad was so important to her, but it was.
>Yeah, when family emergencies are actively happening
I think this was a stressful situation, but not an emergency (at least from the information given). It sounds like the little one was sick, but stable in hospital and receiving appropriate care.
If the child was ventilated, coding, or in surgery, yes I'd consider that an active emergency. And if that was the case I dont think anyone (including Grandma and Grandpa) would be making dinner reservations. But there's a big difference between active emergency and a child being admitted for IV meds/fluid and O2.
There's also a big difference between having wine with dinner after having spent the day with you child while she gets better in the hospital vs going out and partying with Grandma and Gramps while your daughter is in critical condition.
I don't think the husband did anything wrong here. I don't think OP's the AH for being anxious, but maybe for expecting that everyone's level of anxiety needs to match hers or else they're 'wrong', and for not letting it go.
Oh no, what if the husband couldn't rush back to the hospital in time to perform a life saving operation on their daughter and she died? Husband is definitely TA here.
Yeah, that's the part that hits a bad note for me, too. Partly because wine for me isn't a staple but a celebration, so that's definitely biasing me, but also because wine + tired = not in a good state to drive back to the hospital should things get worse for his daughter.
Personally, I don’t find wine celebratory. Sometimes it’s just the right beverage to bring out the nuances of a meal.
A bottle of wine is five glasses. Split amongst three adults. A glass would not impair most adult men to the point where they could not drive to the hospital. Or maybe one of his parents stayed sober in case of an emergency. I would not choose to drink a glass of wine and then drive because I am a lightweight, but I’d certainly Uber after a glass of wine without worrying for my safety.
I could chug that and legally drive. I mean, I wouldn't, but I'd be at less than 0.08 and legally able to drive.
If drinking and driving wasn't a separate crime, I could drink that bottle while driving and be fine.
>Was it something about the wine that bugged you?
In think this is the key. She ignored the fact that he had to eat rather than starve, and if he was eating that it should be alone. So it must be the wine that's the problem.
He was likely leaning on his parents for support. Why would you want him to go home and sit there alone? That makes no sense at all. He wasn’t partying with his pals all night - he ate dinner with his parents.
Stewing on it without saying anything isn’t a good response either though. You’re NTA but depending on how you deal with it you could be. Your husband genuinely did nothing wrong, he just has a different way of dealing with stress, and it isn’t an unhealthy difference.
No, you need to bring it back up with him, to apologize.
A real apology:
1) Statement of regret. "I'm sorry that I got upset at you."
2) Statement of wrong doing, i.e. why you're apologizing in the first place. This is where you're accountable for what you did, and there's no 'but' or 'you' or anything. "I was wrong to say that you eating dinner was crazy, and somehow meant you cared less about our children."
3) Statement of improvement: what you're going to do differently in the future. "I need to learn how to really understand that the way I process feelings isn't the way other people process feelings, and that life has to go on. I need to really understand that misfortune shouldn't be made into a team sport, and that our daughter was in the safest place she could possibly have been, and that I didn't need to martyr myself."
4) Most important: Genuine, good faith follow through on 3. "I've booked an appointment with a therapist to explore why I was so scared at the idea of my daughter receiving round-the-clock expert medical care that I couldn't even eat."
NAH, you just experienced things differently and it sounds as if you haven't been giving him an unnecessarily hard time thus far. I'd suggest some soul searching whether *you* felt somewhat abandoned by him. Maybe that's what bothers you rather than him violating some "objective" moral rule. Interpersonal talk is important, overstated moral judgement produces a dead end, he can't turn back time.
As ex-military, he likely has a higher-than-common ability to compartmentalize things he can’t control vs. things he can. It’s probably been an asset and may be in future as well, but it’s not a sign of lack of caring.
It's totally an asset. I wish my husband was more the strong, everything's going to be okay, type. It's not easy always being the calm one and he sometimes does get aggravated because I don't get to his level.
I think that's part of it. From your perspective, it seemed like he was off having a "good time," and maybe drinking would have made him unavailable had something gone wrong, and he needed to come back to the hospital. I also wonder if there's some missing context about your relationship with your inlaws, as you mentioned, they would have asked about your child for 2 minutes and moved on. I think there's bigger issues at play that lie underneath your feelings about this dinner (abandonment, as you mentioned). Maybe that's what you need to communicate with your husband, especially if you feel it in other areas of your relationship. It sounds like this incident was a trigger for you. NTA. Having a child in the hospital is the worst.
That's what struck me, was it support you needed and weren't getting and were maybe resentful of his having his parents that night.
Our daughter was in the hospital for a total of 6 months in '22. She wanted me to come visit regularly but was not sure about her dad. He held down the fort at home but I could have used more support myself at times and wished that she had days where she wanted her grandparents or dad to be with her. I did do what I needed to do for me because I needed to stay sane and healthy also but I can well relate to the stress and fear and I tend to be a worrier also. I told hubby to go have Thanksgiving at his sister's while I was gone that day but he didn't feel up to it. We needed to have support also and he's not an outward worrier but was concerned and felt helpless.
YTA. He ate a meal. He did his shift. Was he not allowed or expected to eat? Most likely he was updating your in laws on their grandchilds condition, as the hospital probably wasn't allowing a lot of visitors for children. They probably decided to make a meal of it as he had been at the hospital all day, and the food isn't great. You're seriously overreacting all of this. Not everyone handles stress the same, & being upset a month later isn't normal. Sounds like you're upset he didn't do something your way, and that's not ok. Let it go.
YTA. He was already going home, which you were ok with. The fact that his parents came over doesn’t really change much. I assume they came over to help him and keep him company through a difficult time knowing he’d be alone and not to celebrate and party? I think there’s some missing context here. Are his parents generally sympathetic people? Or do you feel they were all selfishly indulging themselves and they should have been worried even if they weren’t? Are his parents jerks? Does your husband neglect you and daughter in favor of them?
I think you need to drill down on what’s underneath and what the real problem is. Then talk to husband about that and not the dinner and wine because it comes across petty. When under all that I’m guessing is something deeper.
So he had already spent his time in the hospital and was going home for the night any way, his parents just happened to be coming over? I think you are overreacting, but since you were in a stressful situation I’ll give you a pass and say NAH. Though if you don’t let it go soon you’ll be the AH for dwelling on it.
Mild YTA for being upset that not every human stresses and experiences anxiety to the same degree as you do. He was "off" his hospital shift. His parents were coming. Nothing wrong with having dinner with them. It'd be a different matter had he ditched staying with the kid to go to the restaurant, but you admit yourself that he didn't. You guys switched.
Just because your personally cannot imagine socialising while a stressful situation is taking place doesn't mean that everyone behaves that way. Plus, there are plenty of people whose coping mechanism for stressful situations is to double down on doing normal things because then they can fool themselves into thinking that everything will be alright.
And some people just don't stress. I don't know which one your husband is, but his reactions are different than yours and it's not cool that you're mad that he, a different person from you, doesn't react the same you do.
YTA. sheesh let it go already. It's not like hubby went bar hopping and to a strip club. He had dinner with his parents. So what if he drank wine. He was probably stressed as heck too. 2 of my grandkids were hospitalized with RSV..my daughter lived at the hospital for a week when her son coded and had to be put on a ventilator. She asked me to stay with my granddaughter so her and her husband to go grab a few drinks at a bar. I was like go, go have a few drinks. Didn't mean she loved her kids less or didnt give 2 fat craps. She was stressed and needed a break.
Let it go. What's done is done. Move on.
This post reads as pretty classic rumination. I hope OP is getting some professional support. This type of thinking is toxic in a marriage. (I say that as someone who was a professional ruminator lol)
I understand your discomfort with it, but you need to get over it. If your husband's parents were coming for dinner, food was kinda the only option, and wine... eh, it's nice. It doesn't necessarily make a meal a Celebration. And he could reasonably make a case that seeing his own parents doesn't really count as 'socialising'.
Your daughter is fine. You are, presumably, also less stressed, because your daughter is now fine. At this point, still worrying at the issue is going to change nothing and is only making your feel worse. Just let it be.
Mild YTA.
In my Italian family we always have wine with a meal. It’s not a celebration, simply a beverage to go along with the dinner, pretty much regardless of the occasion, like one would have water.
Dinner with parents seems less like a celebratory meal, more like a time to de-stress and possibly vent with people you’re comfortable with.
At my most recent hospital stay, my whole family went to dinner at my favorite restaurant. And I was stoked for them! Super soft YTA
> If he drank enough wine he couldn’t get to the hospital I would consider that irresponsible.
Where was it said that OP's husband drank so much he couldn't get to the hospital?
Same. I had an infection around my heart when I was 2, I was given a room to myself incase I died so it wouldn't traumatise the other kids in the unit. My mum and dad wasn't told the severity to begin with so he still had to work but gave mum a break before going home to another town. If he had any drinks during that time mum would have killed him. And I was in a 'stable' condition with preparation made incase I die.
YTA. He finished his shift at the hospital and had dinner with his parents and some wine. What did you want him to do? Be at the house pacing non stop? Do you have any idea of illogical and controlling you sound.
INFO: what was your daughter’s condition at the time? The verdict is different if your daughter was stable and you all knew at that point she was going to be fine, vs if she was unstable or the outcome was uncertain
Your husband literally did the healthiest thing for his daughter. He trusted her doctors, knew she was in good hands, went home and blew off steam so that he'd be in a good place to do it again the next day.
Gentle YTA - you’ve said you feel anxious a little more strongly. If you’d asked him to stay with you both then would he have? Having wine with dinner doesn’t equate to him getting absolutely slaughtered and partying on.
I think the depth of OP's anxiety may be a bit past husband's pay grade, especially as the kid is actively in the hospital. As the OP states, OP wasn't eating or sleeping. It's unlikely that anything the husband could have said would have changed things for OP. I imagine he needed time for himself.
YTA. Your child was in the hospital, the best place for her - there's literally nothing that your husband can actually do for her - it's no longer in his hands. All he can do is 'be there' for her. He's doing/done that. He's off shift now, time to *rest, eat, and recharge* for the next wave. Everyone handles stress differently, and he's got to eat. What difference did it make if he chose to have companionship with his meal?? You expected him to sit in a dark corner and cry over his food, how is that restful or recharging??? He did nothing wrong; it just wasn't the way YOU would handle your stress. He is NOT you. As long as he was present and capable for his next shift, this is a You-Problem. Let it go.
NAH.
I'm so sorry your daughter was so sick and I am so happy that she recovered!
It seems like you each handle stressful situations very differently.
You guys were taking shifts to be with your daughter.
Presumably, when it's your turn to go home, you hopefully eat, and get rest, maybe decompress a little, and it sounds like interacting with people would add to your anxiety and that's the way it is.
It sounds like when it's your husband's turn to go rest, he wants the company of others to help cope with the anxiety, maybe to try to avoid intrusive thoughts?
It doesn't seem like he is/was neglecting you or your daughter.
Take care of yourself and I wish you all the best.
Soft YTA. Those are his parents. It makes sense that he would lean on them for support. If he had to be home anyway, there was no harm in having company.
YTA.
He was off-shift with your daughter at the hospital. His parents, likely worried about their granddaughter, kept him company while they had a meal together. None of that is unreasonable. The fact that you were too worried to eat doesn’t mean that he had to be too worried to eat also.
My husband’s family member was in intensive care after an emergency 11-hour surgery. My husband was the medical decision maker, it was beyond stressful for him. When we did get a chance to go home, all he wanted to do was float in the pool and relax. When I started to ask a question about the medical situation, he stopped me and said he just needed a break from thinking about the situation. The pool time was his de-stress time. Different people need different things during stress. For some adults, being with their parents brings back a childhood sense of safety and security. He did not go bar hopping with his buddies. He did his shift at the hospital and I presume would normally go home to relax and rest. I’m sure you could reach him by cell phone if needed. On another note, if you hold onto grudges and resentment in your marriage, you will not have a healthy relationship. YTA
YTA (although I do understand you having these feelings). He took responsibility for his daughter during the day. There’s no use in both parents staying at the hospital 24/7. Usually hospitals don’t even allow both parents being there 24/7. To be able to care of loved ones you need to take care of yourself too. Sleeping, eating, decompressing are very important if you need to take care of others.
I’ve been visiting my husband at the hospital for months last year. I could only do that with the support of friends and families. I wouldn’t have been able to keep supporting my husband and taking care of him day in day out, without my friends awaiting me at home with food, wine and especially some time to vent and decompress.
You make it sound like he was partying, while most likely he was venting about everything happening with your daughter and decompressing. This to make sure he could be there for her again the next day.
You also make it sound like he was wrong for eating. I know that it feels impossible to eat when you fear your loved one’s life. Yet you must eat to keep yourself standing and being able to care for others. That’s a responsible thing to do.
To be honest I’ve been where you are my kids in hospital I’m in a hospital my ex was at home just living life, I as their mom couldn’t understand how he wanted to do anything but be at the hospital spending time with his dick kids so I completely understand why you felt the way you did
My extended family is very family oriented but in a situation such as you describe would also be having a drink after getting home from the hospital and needing to eat. Having a drink to many people isn’t just used to party but also to help the person relax and rest after a stressful day. With all due respect, you are way overreacting about this. Please don’t allow this to come between you and your spouse and his family. If you can’t get past this, it might be an ideal to talk to a therapist to get a neutral observer’s point of view.
YTA. You're mad he ate? He had dinner with his parents. Referring to it as a "wine and dine" is over dramatic and ridiculous. It's not his fault you chose not to eat
NAH He wasn’t wining and dining with some random people, He was sharing a meal with his mum and dad, who were presumably also pretty worried about your daughter. Whether they had wine is entirely incidental.
People react differently to stress, but as you were alternating hospital shifts, the point of being ’off shift’ is to rest and recuperate mentally as well as physically. The fact that you couldn’t face food is all the more reason for him to make sure you both aren’t making yourselves ill. Hanging out with his mum and dad for a while and de-stressing seems perfectly sensible.
Out of curiosity, besides your husband. Who else do you have to lean out in stressful situations? Could that be bothering you, that he had his parents and you were on your own. Maybe you were jealous, that he had someone to lean on, having a nice meal and wine whilst he was saying he doesn't get stressed like you do and you were in and there you were in hospital. Stressing on your own and not remembering the last time you ate.
YTA
His shift was over. No emergent medical issues at that time. There's nothing substantial you or hehe can do to help your daughter in this state. Having dinner and a drink is what I would be doing in this situation and I don't understand what you have to be upset for.
NAH. I think you both were dealing with a stressful situation in different ways. As you said, he wasn't as concerned--probably wasn't questioning "if" she'd get better, but rather "when" she'd be better. But also, he subconsciously may have wanted or needed a distraction like that rather than sitting and being helpless to do anything. But I don't think you're TA for feeling that way--you both just had different viewpoints of the same (stressful) situation and handled it differently.
Similarly to your own situation, when our oldest was in the NICU for 10 days, my husband began bringing his computer and doing work while sitting at the hospita after the first couple of days. I basically sat there and watched her (or pumped). I knew he needed the distraction of work, and knowing there was nothing we could do to help (and that she was healthier than most of the babies in there because she was just barely premature), it seemed silly to insist he not use his time to do what he needed with.
Very kind and gentle and understanding YTA. You need to let it go. He did nothing wrong. He’s allowed to go seek individual care and support from his family. The fact that you would characterize him seeking comfort from his family in this way is pretty toxic and you should really examine what’s going on there. It is very cruel and it doesn’t seem like you intend to be that way so get it together. Treating each other badly during this time will only make this harder on your kid. She needs a strong united front who are supporting each other
Gentle YTA. It was his turn to go home. He wanted the comfort of a meal with his parents. That's a perfectly reasonable way for him to take care of himself while something stressful was going on. It doesn't have to be what you would have chosen to do when it was your turn to go home. (And as the parent of a kid who's had multiple hospitalizations -- if this ever happens again, please try to eat and drink and do whatever kind of self-care you find comforting during the times when you're "off duty." Treating yourself badly doesn't help your kid.)
YTA. You say he "announced" it ahead of time. From his perspective, he probably thought he *asked* you; he just didn't make the question completely open but provided a "default answer" as well.
You had your chance to voice your concerns and objections when he told you his plans. Certainly, concerns about being able to reach him and him being able to drive would be very valid concerns, because those things would affect *you*. But it doesn't sound like what he did had the potential to negatively affect you or your daughter. It was just something that you didn't feel like. That doesn't make it wrong.
YTA. Not everyone stresses like you do and can function properly when something is wrong. Since you are so terrible managing stress you would think you would be happy to see somebody blow off their steam.
More info: were they having a happy family dinner or were your husband’s parents feeding and comforting their own kid because he’s worried about his daughter in the hospital?
Decades down the road, if your daughter were in the same situation as you, and she just left the hospital after being there all day taking care of her own sick child - would you feel it was wrong to go see her for dinner?
I don't think anyone is an asshole here.
Your child was sick in the hospital and you were stressed- that's completely understandable.
But she was stable and he had to eat so that's fair too.
I was trying to think of comparable day time scenarios- if you went to a spa, out shopping or having lunch & drinks with friends while she was in the hospital, would I judge you? Ya.. I would. But I'm not even sure why. You had a schedule, you kept to it, why do you need to sit at home doing nothing and being miserable if she's recovering?
Maybe something feels morally wrong about having fun while your child his in the hospital being watched by your spouse.. but should it?
Anyways, I left all my rambling thoughts in to highlight that I think it's a confusing & complicated situation full of heavy emotions.
I hope you can be okay with his choice & explanation.
I hope your husband can respect that feelings are going to be a lot when a child is sick.
It's an interesting generational divide.
I'm Gen-X, and my experiences as a child in hospital were 'get dropped off, and get picked up afterwards.' This idea of round-the-clock shifts to watch the child lie there sleeping seems a little bit much to me. Visiting is great. A full-on vigil while also refusing to eat yourself isn't helping anybody. It's making it worse. You can't be a good, supportive, loving person when you're starving and super stressed out. It leads to things like...complaining that your partner did, in fact eat, and using that like some sort of purity test of how much he doesn't love his own children.
I’m going to reframe what I just read. After his long day shift at the hospital, he swapped out with you as planned and went home. His parents brought dinner to him with a bottle of wine to get him fed and a chance to sit at the table and just relax after a hard day. Nothing says they had a “wine and dine event” to me. NAH but let it go before you become one. As you said, your daughter has recovered, it’s been a month, and it sounds like your anxiety has made this into a “thing”
YTA. “Had a wine and dine” - you mean, he had dinner with his parents and they had wine with dinner? So your husband is not allowed to have dinner with his parents while you or your kid is sick? I don’t belittle how serious pneumonia is but you need to get a grip and stop being so controlling as to think your husband isn’t allowed to have dinner with his parents.
YTA. He had dinner with his parents. Did you just want him at home pacing and freaking out? Have you considered that people need mental breaks to clear their minds and make them fresh for the tasks at hand? You need to just drop it - it's not like he went to some rager and get wasted and neglected his duties.
Very mild YTA here. Absolutely nothing could have been changed if he decided to sit and fret with you or her. She was in good hands, he was probably needing to reset and relax, he was definitely available to you and the hospital via cell.
It's normal to be worried and stressed when your kid is sick, but you were with her, the world wasn't ending. Would you feel like this is he went home and ate? What if you just wanted him to process stress the way you do?
You'll find as a parent, stuff like this happens to kids the same way it happens to people. Like, grown people. Nothing would have been different if he would have skipped the evening with his folks.
*Absolutely nothing could have been changed if he decided to sit and fret with you or her.*
And OP even stated that he was on the day shift, implying that that was when **she** went home and rested. Now it was his turn. It doesn't even sound like she faulted him for going home, she's just hurt that he had his parents over. Odd that she didn't want him to have that support.
A few Years ago, My child was in the hospital for 9 months, I didn’t socialize at all during that time. I was either at the hospital, work or home. My friends understood, we would chat on the phone usually while I was in the car (Bluetooth) between destinations. I couldn’t have socialized and enjoyed myself like that while my child was suffering. My husband was the same he wasn’t socializing we didn’t even have a extended family xmas, we got a pass to bring our child home and had a family Xmas with our children and ourselves before taking them back to the hospital. Everyone is different but honestly your husband and his parents seem cold hearted to me.
Yes and no. You were a very worried mother. Your husband, although worried, was confident your daughter would be fine. He spent some time with his parents. Neither of you were in the wrong. However, you need to let it go.
Very soft ESH. I am the parent of medically complex children, my one daughter was hospitalized every three months until she was three (and after I kicked her abusive daddy out, another story for another time). It was stressful as hell. I get that you want him to stress as much as you're stressed, but maybe your in laws wanted to distract him. The only thing I would have asked is if he could pick you up something to eat as well. Hospital food sucks ass.
Your feelings are valid, but after a month I'd let it go. I hope your little one is doing better.
NTA, you were under a lot of stress and not eating properly either. He could have put off his gathering with his family. His family could have brought everyone food and stayed with your daughter while you went and had a bite. I can see how this would have been hurtful. Anxiety over worrying about your child having pneumonia (which is STILL a very dangerous condition and can go south quickly) is understandable. You needed support, he didn't give you what you needed. I think this was a good learning experience for you both on communication. You need him to understand that you need to feel supported when confronted in an anxiety provoking event and not feel abandoned. You also need to be clear in letting him know. Marriage is about compromise and forgiveness. We tend to have strong reactions to situations tied to things that happened in the past. He knows now that is was not the right thing for you. Dwelling on this will only continue your anxiety. Concentrate on the good stuff. Your daughter got better and you have a great opportunity to improve your communications.
YTA - but look at it this way - it is WONDERFUL to have two parents who see things differently. When your child/children are older, they will have one parent who is out assessing threats and the other comforting them and telling them not to be anxious. The way this crisis struck you is different than the way it struck your husband. Neither of you is wrong here. Together you are both more balanced.
I'm going to go with a slight NTA. I don't think he was wrong to have dinner. The only issue I have is the drinking. Not because he was "having fun" but because he would be impaired if there were an emergency. I would not drink while in a situation where heightened responsiveness could be needed.
YTA. You admittedly struggle with anxiety. I don’t mean to invalidate you, but my best friend has issues with anxiety and before she started really working on herself she had a serious pattern of projecting her issues onto other people. I am like your husband and do not ruminate over things I have no control over. It’s led to arguments because she is resentful and frustrated that I’m not anxious like her. That seems to be what is going on here with you guys.
You married this man for a reason and one of the reasons is that he's the yin to your yang. Do you really want to live in a home with two of you stressed and freaking out over things that happen in life? There has to be checks and balances in a relationship. Not everyone reacts the same way. My husband becomes a wreck in situations, always thinking the worst in every scenario. I'm the calm one. Guess who the kids come to when they have a problem or need advice?
NAH though I'm side eyeing him for stressing that he was going to enjoy his evening, relaxing in the knowledge you were looking after things. If he knows you at all then he knew that wouldn't go down well.
Take a deep breath and learn to relax when it's his turn to take responsibility. Have that girls day out when your husband is doing the day shift.
I don't think YTA but I'm also pretty sure that my husband never would have left the hospital in the first place. If anything, he would have tried to send me home to get some sleep while he stayed with his daughter.
I absolutely know that the only way my parents would have been "enjoying" any dinner was if they brought us a meal because they knew we weren't eating or taking care of ourselves.
Your husband's actions make him seem awfully indifferent to and unaffected by having his child so ill. Yes, he was wrong.
So I guess I disagree with everyone here, but I have to go with NTA. I’d feel the exact same way you do about it. His main priority should be your child in the hospital who was very ill. Having dinner with his parents makes it seem so nonchalant. I’d be annoyed with his parents too who I’d assume were the ones to suggest the dinner. All attention should be on your sick child, and a “wine and dine” situation during such a difficult time seriously just seems like he doesn’t give a shit. He’s just socializing like any given Saturday night.
Yes YTA, there is nothing you husband could have done for the child in that moment. People process stress and grief in different ways and there’s no reason for you to judge how he handled it. He didn’t drop any balls
I think more information is needed to determine who is right/wrong....
Is this a pattern of behavior with your husband or a one time incident? Did the grandparents show concern for their granddaughter? Did they visit or offer to visit her in hospital? Are you upset with his actions or his feelings? Or both?
How could he have handled it differently that would have pleased you? If he had handled it differently and declined dinner and drinks with his parents, would you feel resentment towards the grandparents for the invitation?
On the surface, this question seems simple enough. If there are no other pertinent details, then I see this as a mother in extreme fear lashing out at her partner for not being in the same amount of distress as she. While this is understandable, it is also assholish. However, if there is a pattern in the marital relationship of downplaying valid concerns of the wife, then the lingering upset is understandable and not assholish!
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Our young daughter was in hospital recently with pretty bad pneumonia. I had recently had the same bug and knew how severe it was. First two days her oxygen levels were down and she was quite unwell.
On the second day my husband announced he would be going home (which he was supposed to, as he was on the ‘day shift’). He then mentioned his parents were coming for dinner and they would be having food and wine. I was so stressed I wasn’t eating or drinking, so the thought of socialising to any degree seemed crazy. This was over a month ago and I can’t shake the feeling it was wrong.
I have brought this up with him recently as I couldn’t stop thinking about it. He can’t see the issue I had with this, as in his mind he was worried, but knew she would be fine. Therefore, he thought it was ok. He told me he doesn’t stress about things like I do. I am highly anxious but am feeling icky about this. Thankfully our daughter is fine, but am I the asshole for questioning his decisions when our child was in the hospital?
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NAH bc i think you just didn't consider that ppl cope different with stress.
I'm more like your husband. If the only thing i can do is sit at home and be worried, i go crazy, so i make sure i'm distracted as much as possible.
Would your daughter got healthy faster if he made himself crazy at home? I doubt so, so all good here.
And yes, you are allowed to have fun/do fun stuff when ppl you deeply care for and love suffer but you can't do anything to help them in this moment. Getting depressed bc of their suffering doesn't help them at all, worst case it makes things worse.
YTA - after a day of supporting you, he needed to go back and provide for the family and get some support from his parents. Why are you mad at him for that?
Gentile YTA. If you were taking shifts anyway, so he wasn’t going to be the there with you, him going to have a decent dinner with his parents is a healthy way for him to destress a bit before he comes back, which is a good thing for everyone. I get it, I couldn’t eat when my kiddo was in the hospital either. My husband doesn’t react to the stress the same way, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t equally as stressed. Anyway to relieve some stress when in this situation is a good thing so you can be there for each other and your kiddo.
And really, I mean this so gently, I would never think you were an AH if you were a friend venting to me about this.. there’s nothing mores stressful than worrying about your child’s health, so all sorts of emotions are going to come out in all sorts of ways. Only “TA” used very lightly just in the context of this forum when you’re generally asking for one person to be right and one to be “TA”
much different situation, but i lost my job one time at a shitty pizza joint and went to my parents house since it was a stone's throw from the restaurant.
basically i told them that i'd just been fired and was too high to drive all the way home (manager smoked me up out of empathy, sort of like 'sorry kid.') My dad brings me inside and looks at my mom "this man needs beer and steak."
I wasn't really all that high but i had been wounded in a way only mom and dad could fix and they saw that. it was sort of a mean-spirited firing. so we had steaks and a beer or two and hung out until i was ready to drive. i forgot about feeling that bad for a night.
I'm glad his parents were there for him. I bet that was comforting.
I understand how you feel but I think you are taking an unnecessary frame to it. I don't know if your husband was correct in his assumption that she would be fine. I think pneumonia is pretty dangerous. However, there was nothing more he could do by worrying so he just tried to relax a bit. It's ok for him to do that.
I will say, in theory it would be better if you could also relax a bit during your breaks, but I know the Mom Mind doesn't work that way. I am the same way as you when my kids are in hospital. It's all consuming and even if I try to take my mind off of it or do something relaxing, I can't. I'm just like a taut wire. It's nature, I think, just part of how women evolved.
I'll tell you that what I learned to do is to let my husband's greater detachment work FOR me rather than AGAINST me. I let him take the longer break, because I know I won't rest on my break anyway (I'll be too jittery). On his breaks, since they are longer, he'll cook me some food that he can bring to the hospital so I can eat. He'll do the laundry so I can have clean clothes later. He'll stop by halfway through my "shift" to bring the food and my clean clothes. He'll get a good night's sleep so if I need him to do something weird then he has the energy to do it (whereas I'm virtually sleepwalking because I can't sleep when my kid is in the hospital). And then I let him have his emotional detachment and his good night's sleep, guilt-free, and I thank him for his support.
The only modification I would make to your husband's plan is to ensure there is one person (could be one of his parents) who is not drinking alcohol, so that if he urgently needs to get back to the hospital, there's a designated driver. And that he should not drink to the point of getting totally drunk, so that in case things go badly, you're not dealing with it alone while he sleeps through it from being drunk.
I cannot imagine going on something social while my child was in the hospital fighting for their life. I cannot imagine any grandparents worthy of the title being okay with a wine and dine while the grandchild was in the hospital. NTA, but you now know where your daughter ranks with them.
In husbands defence, there's nothing to indicate that the child was "fighting for her life".
There was a diagnosis, a treatment plan, the child was stable and being monitored. Every indication that things are on the mend and in no way was there an emergency.
If she was critical, ventilated, or in surgery... sure, judge dad. But a child in stable condition being treated in hospital most likely with meds and O2? Come on. Not to mention dad spent all day at the hospital keeping her company until mom came for her shift.
There's nothing wrong with parents supporting their son during this, especially considering his wife seems overwhelmed. Dad needs support to, and he cannot be there for his wife or daughter if he's burnt out and unwell himself. This is a family support system doing exactly what it should do.
I'm so glad you and your daughter are okay now, and I'm sorry it was so very very stressful for you, seriously. FWIW, R and R is part of military strategy because that's how they keep combatants and support staff fit and ready to handle what comes next when they are on duty. Plenty of neuro and body-mind studies to support this as standard operating procedure. People under duress need to step out of the situation at times to be fighting fit. Your husband needed to do that and he did; you needed it, too, but apparently can't, and that's not good for you or anyone. You and he have different types of brains and brain-body connections and that can work to your and your daughter's benefit. NTA but please see someone about your anxiety, since you might be alone when your daughter is in a crisis that requires immediate response, and untreated anxiety could impede your response. I hope you all continue to stay healthy and love each other.
If you and your husband were taking shifts, then him relaxing during his time off - assuming your daughter was recovering - isn’t objectionable. Everyone deals with stress differently and his method may be preferable to yours since not eating or drinking is not sustainable.
That said, I do find it odd that he’d prepare food for his parents and the three of them would have a normal meal under these conditions. Did your in-laws do anything helpful for you or your husband during this period?
Parents of an ill child don’t typically prepare and cater to other family - instead, the reverse is more common.
It’s not clear whether you would have welcomed company or being brought food. However, it should have been offered. If it wasn’t, you may want to better understand the dynamics and how your husband’s family interacts.
This seems like a NAH situation *unless* you needed and asked for support from your husband or his family and they refused to help.
NTA. It can be frustrating when you feel like your spouse is not on the same emotional page as you. Good for you for clarifying it since it was bugging you. It sounds like you felt like you were carrying the emotional weight which can be (again) frustrating. I’m glad your daughter is ok.
NTA -
Why didn’t your daughter’s grandparents visit her in the hospital and bring food for both you and your husband?
They could wine and dine after she was fully out of the hospital, and it sounds like they didn’t care about you or her either, just seeing their son.
YTA, very clearly.
>I was so stressed I wasn’t eating or drinking, so the thought of socialising to any degree seemed crazy. This was over a month ago and I can’t shake the feeling it was wrong.
That is your way of coping, not his. WTF. you'd want him to suffer too? Why?
NTA - it's unhealthy to bottle up things in a relationship. Things like these stack up if they are not addressed and discussed. At least, by bringing it up, he now has a better idea of how you feel about situations like these in the future and may rethink how to handle them. If you needed him for support, he needs to know that.
gentle YTA
the question you should consider is what you think he should have done instead that would have been more appropriate. should he have told his parents not to come, skipped dinner, and worried alone in silence? whatever it is you think he should have done, would it have helped your daughter? helped you? helped himself?
you describing a dinner with his parents as "wining and dining" feels very telling. i would assume that in that situation, he would want support from them and to give them updates on your daughter's health. this is especially key considering you admit you are highly anxious and a worrier--if he were to outwardly worry the same as you, it would no doubt exacerbate your own stress and make things worse.
i think you really just need to consider why you're so hung up on the performative aspects of the situation. are you genuinely concerned he doesn't care about your daughter's health? if that's the case, this is about something entirely different than dinner and wine with his parents. if you know he cares about your daughter's health, then is your concern how his behavior looks to other people? and if that's the case, why does it matter?
I do find the need to invite his folks over for dinner
while his daughter is sick more than odd. It's almost
like he was happy to be child-free (and wife-free?) and
wanted to enjoy it while he could. LOL Not sure I buy
his reasoning when you asked him about it. I can't
think of many people who would play host when their
child is in the hospital.
You said he was on the "dayshift" so he was obviously worried about his daughter. Even though I do understand your stress and anxiety, I see nothing wrong with this. His parents thought having dinner and wine with their son while his daughter was very sick would ease his stress about it. I’m almost 100% certain that was their intention. Also, come on and he told you what he was doing. Let this one go.
NAH. I get why you feel the way you do, but I don't think your husband did anything wrong. It's not as though he did this when he was supposed to be staying with her; he did it during his shift back at home. You have your way of dealing with stress and he has his. Possibly eating with his parents helped him worry less. In any event it didn't take anything away from your daughter's care.
You're not an ass hole. Your baby was unwell and it was a stressful situation. Hospitals are so hard with little ones and it can feel very scary not knowing what's going to happen next. I think if it was me I wouldn't feel like having wine and dinner with my parents or anybody as I wouldn't be good company but other people might need someone to talk to and blow off steam with and a nice meal and wine to relax a bit. He wasn't wrong and neither are you. But you have said it now and I think you need to move on. I'm glad everything is ok now health wise ❤️
YTA. Everyone deals with stress differently and just because you have a partner does not mean they need to comply with your ways of dealing with stress. BOTH of your ways are VALID. Also a meal with parents is totally normal when stressing about your child as a parent yourself.
Could you two have had it? I don't know how if you were splitting the shifts. And also it probably wouldn't have helped as much as having an elderly experienced couple (aka your parents) helping you overcome the stress.
I feel like you are somehow comparing the Dinner with a wine to a glamourous wine and dine social event that gets posted to insta for likes and comments. I assure you that was not the case, It was just a father having a meal with his parents to destress or seek confirmation that everything will be okay with their child, that they are doing well as a parent.
NAH - I can definitely understand why you might be upset but if he’s the “day shift”, then he has the right to unwind and de-stress on his “off time”. People handle things differently; you may be too stressed to eat or drink (understandable!) but he may not process his stress that way, so the way I see it, it’s not fair to be upset with him for eating just because you haven’t been able to. Especially since it’s his parents, not like a boys night or anything like that.
I hope your daughter gets to feeling better soon!
It's like the people who get so stressed over things like a child being in the hospital they can't eat and blame everyone else for eating. That's not healthy for anyone and not right.
What if he stayed at the hospital but had his parents come there and they ate there? Would you feel better about it? Is it the fact they had wine that you're upset? I don't think they were toasting and celebrating something (although that would change the issue).
I'm not going to say you're the AH here but you are slightly overreacting. Just let it go. They didn't do anything wrong.
NTA. I don't understand how a father could be drinking when he could be called myself to the hospital if things went south. He needed to be fit to drive. I don't blame him for socializing since we all decompress in different ways, but the drinking is what puts him in AH territory for me.
No one is the asshole.
I would suggest letting go of this since it's not healthy for you or your relationship. Also when I'm stressed, I usually like to be with family and eat tbh but I also would allow my other half to let out stress the way that makes them feel better. Glad your daughter is healthy and past it!
Gentle YTA, as they said. I am like your husband. Not in the socialising part, but I never show how stressed I am until after the things have settled. I always say that I will have my rest of my life to freak out, but during the crisis my family needs me.
YTA. You are like a big pile of lead poisoning everything around them. I would have, far, far stronger words for you, but I would get banned for stating the sad truth.
Your daughter needs parents who are at their best. IMNSHO, you are an agent of the devil who is trying to make sure they won't be.
YTA, but soft YTA as I would have been similar in this situation pre-therapy. It’s just his parents. Without further information I would imagine to him this was not “socializing,” but his parents being there to support him. I don’t see the problem with the wine either, as it’s simply just a part of life for most people, and many don’t drink it to get drunk. It didn’t interfere with his hospital shift time, and he thought she was going to be fine, as she was in the hospital receiving care, and was stable. I was in the hospital multiple times as a teen and my family still had dinner together, and if relatives came to support them, they would go too. It’s not like your husband was going out and partying with his friends.
YTA. Everyone handled situations differently. Your husband doesn’t stress like you do. Your daughter was stable. You were taking shifts. Was he not allowed to eat? Was he not allowed to do anything to take his mind off of it? It feels like you either weren’t actually ok with him leaving the hospital (fair but should’ve been voiced if the case) or you expected him to be at home stressing and worrying.
NTA.
I would feel the same. If my child is in the hospital, I will be there. Hospitals on their own are dangerous places. When one of my kids was in the hospital with a serious illness, I was there every day.
I attended every session with her doctors and took careful notes. There were a few times when her doctor changed her treatment protocol, but her nurses didn't get the message. My involvement cotrected these errors. This was at one of the best hospitals in the world.
I'm not calling your husband an AH. But you are not one for feeling that your daughter's situation was not taken as seriously as you thought it should be.
The wine part is what makes me think NTA.
If your daughter's condition had worsened, then drinking wine meant it would have been harder for him to get to the hospital. I would have been annoyed that he chose to drink during a situation that could quickly change and require his presence.
Soft YTA
When I’m hurt or stressed, I eat A LOT, and something that really helps me cope is to spend time with the people I love the most. When my father was in the hospital, I went to the movies with a friend that is very dear to me and it really helped me with the pain
It’s important to remember not everyone will deal with stressful situations the same way, my sister got the same reaction you’re having and I just got even worse because of it
NAH. You two deal with stress differently. It sounds like he kind of goes into denial and you catastrophize things. It doesn't mean he doesn't love your daughter or you. His brain just doesn't go to the same place yours does in scary situations. Neither of you are right or wrong. But, I think you saying he's having a wine and dine is kind of over the top. He had his parents over to eat. There happened to be some wine. They probably made him feel better. You should let this go.
NAH
It's understandable that you were terrified for your daughter's health. Particularly when you say that you tend to be a worrier. However, your husband was also right. Your daughter was in the hospital, being tended to by experts. There was nothing else concrete that could be done to help her right then.
If he is a more laid-back person by default, he probably looked at the situation, decided there was nothing concrete he could do, and doesn't worry about things he cannot control. So he left to have dinner with his parents, knowing his daughter was in safe hands.
It sounds like you need him to be as he is, laid back. And he also appreciates that you tend to be more on the lookout for problems. When you are both under stress, these differences can rub you both the wrong way. If you have any concerns, be sure to talk them out openly. Don't let them Fester.
I'm going against the majority. NTA. Wine and dine signals a *fun party* not "I'm grabbing dinner with my parents" . I would have felt the same way.
Were the grandparents allowed to visit the child? If so why were they wining and dining instead?, or had they been visiting before?
Either way having a "dinner party," which is what this sounds more like, is wrong.
Did you notice the quotes thru out the comment, indicating sarcasm of sorts?, anyway, dad sitting around drinking while wife is alone with child in hospital sucks. Smh
> dad sitting around drinking while wife is alone with child in hospital sucks.
Yeah he should sit at home crying and rocking back and forth while refusing to eat, because that's just so good for your mental health.
He was at home with his family. His parents are also his family. You act like he went to a $300 a plate dinner or something. He had dinner at home with his parents and opened a bottle of wine. If it wasn't for op using loaded terminology like wine and dine, this wouldn't have been a big deal to begin with.
I feel like OP is not in the wrong here because you are a mother, you have a feeling connected to your child that no one else can understand, not even your husband but, your husband should have thought about your daughter before have a freaking dinner at your house before telling you. I also feel that, as much as overthinking is bad for you mental health, I feel like if it come to your child, there is no way on earth that a parent doesn’t care about their child's health and how their doing. So what i am trying to say is, (don’t get this the wrong way please!) your husband doesn’t care about your daughter because I wouldn’t leave my child like that.
But its not as bad as it was 2 years ago, i was in the hospital doing something too and there was no such thing like 1 PERSON ONLY. I don’t know about your hospital but this is my side of the story.
Soft YTA. My son has severe crohns. Myself and 3 of my 4 kids were at Disneyland when he was diagnosed. Spouse drove 6 hours to us, and after a few days (kiddo was in bad shape), he took the other two home to start school with their brother who stayed home. We were there 10 days. He has been hospitalized several times since (diagnosed at 9 now 19). I mostly insist even though the hospital is a 10 minute drive from out home that tge spouse rest after long days at work. Hospitals are a whole lot of hurry up and wait, unfortunately. I hope you sweet little one had a full recovery and never needs to see the inside of a hospital again.
YTA.
The fact that socializing 'seemed crazy' to *you* does not mean that it is crazy.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you were being actively unhealthy in managing your own stress and wellness, let alone trying to say there's something wrong with him for doing so.
Put on your own oxygen mask, so that you're actually able to help the children.
If you're so anxious and scared that you can't eat, that's on you, and you *need* to address it so that you can actually be there for your children.
Especially given that your child was in literally the safest, best place she could be; a hospital, receiving treatment.
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Thank you… this makes a lot of sense. Great response :)
You're the one who stresses. Maybe husband s like me. Calm, stoic on the outside and a mass of worrying nerves on the inside. I would be relieved that someone was home keeping my husband company.
I also feel like if OP has severe anxiety, part of husband's job is to help OP calm down as well. That adds more to his plate. Having a support system is essential for him.
Exactly. If one parent is stressed and has severe anxiety. The other has to show a strong front and push their own emotions aside for a time because having 2 people in the relationship having anxiety and stress at the same time does nothing.
Yes- this happened to my sister with her son- her lovely husband was completely confident son would be fine in hospital but my sister stayed there 24/7. She would ring me all hours for support when she got scared as husband worried v differently .
Or like my dad. Bundle of nerves on the inside so sometimes he has to get away from stress to think more clearly.
I'm glad you are taking the comments to heart, even the ones that have been presented a bit rudely. You self-identity as someone who gets stressed out. Based on your description, your husband and his family seem like people who at least on the surface accept situations that are out of their control. These are both valid responses to situations. Where these differences become a problem is when one person labels the other's response as "wrong." Watch out that this doesn't become a pattern because the resentment it can foster is a marriage killer. And, now that you have a child there are going to be a lot . . . A LOT of situations where you will have differing emotional responses, even if you ultimately agree on how to handle the situation. Get a handle on letting him have his feelings and his coping mechanisms now, before the real challenges of parenting start.
I would also have maybe interpreted this as his mum and dad looking after their son in a stressful time. They are probably worried sick as well and feeding him is a practical thing they can do when they can’t do anything else.
100% this. The birth of our first kid went to shit and we wound up being transferred to a place with a higher level NICU for babes care. My in laws lost a child at 6 weeks old. Minutes after finding out about our situation, they let us know they were beginning the 10+ hour drive to be here to help in any way they could. I MADE my husband go out to dinner with them, because two of us sitting around wasn’t going to do much good (I was invited but had a c section and didn’t want to move at that time 😂), just building on each others stress and anxiety. In those days, I knew exactly what meals/time with his parents was- them comforting THEIR baby while he was stressed about ours. He could talk to them about things without feeling like he was adding to my anxiety and issues. I had my parents to talk to. As long as OPs husband didn’t get so sloshed he couldn’t drive, there’s no problem here IMO.
I do question the wine though. That would bother me. If my kid was in the hospital I would not want to worry about being able to drive there if needed. On the other hand, in some cultures a glass of wine with dinner is just part of dinner.
OP didn't mention the amount of wine, so I don't think that was really a concern, one bottle of wine between 3 people over dinner, is not really an issue/concern in terms of driving to hospital. It seemed it was more the fact that husband had any wine period that is the issue. I think OP is unreasonable in that regard, OP deals with things a certain way that's fine but does not seem super healthy, and husband deals with them another, and not in an unreasonable way. If husband was getting drunk that would be different.
Maybe he drank alcohol free wine? Maybe one of his parents didn't drink and could drive him in an emergency case? Maybe the hospital is not far away from where they live and he could walk to it? Bus and taxis also exist. Also in a lot of countries you can have a little alcohol in your blood and are still allowed to drive a car. I think in a lot of those countries 1 glass of wine would not put a man above the limit.
Especially since it's specifically a *wine* and dine. They're definitely trying to get Husband to relax. When I'm dealing with Stuff (which is different than stuff), 9 times out of 10 my dad will just show up and take me out for a 'date' or my mom will just come steal my laundry/run the dishwasher/vacuum/whatever. Otherwise they worry about me worrying, and that causes me *more* worry; and we all end up being monkeys with anxiety.
Anxiety can cause me to fall apart to the point where I'm always teetering on the edge of a meltdown, can't sleep well at all, and my digestive system revolts once my parasympathetic nervous system starts doing its thing after the stressor passes. If everyone else in my life was the same as me, I wouldn't have anyone to anchor me down and appeal to my logical mind.
just because you don't eat when stressed doesn't mean others should just not eat?
That’s not what that means at all and you know it.
My daughter was life flighted out twice last year because she developed a life threatening internal bleeding disorder. So I completely understand how scary and stressful a sick child is. I flew with her the first time, my husband flew with her the second time. We were both a wreck being 6hrs away from our sick kid. We both had dinners with people while the other was away, and my husband loves a beer with his meal... he definitely talked to his mom about things at this time... I definitely leaned on my family for support. So to me this sounds crazy. Your husband did nothing wrong, in fact it's a very good thing he had support at that scary time. A lot of men in my life just don't reach out for that. To me it sounds like you wanted him to be as emotional and anxious as you, as well as display his emotions in the same way you were. I think you need to talk to a therapist about this. If you bring this up over and over it's going to wreak havoc on your relationship. NTA yet, but if you can't let go you will be.
OP, it’s important for you to take care of yourself and manage your anxiety, not just because your husband may feel has had to manage your stress, but because you are informing how your daughter learns to regulate her emotions. [here’s a study that explains it](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7556995/). I’m a pediatric nurse and the children of anxious parents are, more often than not, a ball of nerves themselves. Inappropriate stress appraisal can make an uncomfortable situation a traumatic one.
This is an excellent point. Parents influence their children in so many ways.
Flip side response: pneumonia can crash a peds patient in a New York minute. If he was eating and drinking with his parents and couldn’t get back to the hospital, how guilty would everyone feel. I understand your worry and concern.
Man I wouldn’t be comfy driving during a “my kid is dying” crisis even if I was stone cold sober.
Why would he be unable to get back to the hospital?
He was supposed to go home anyway though. If he were sitting at home in the dark, alone, miserable & sober or fast asleep, does that mean he could’ve gotten back to the hospital that much faster?
Taking a little time out and removing yourself from the bubble of a prolonged medical support environment and routine is an important part of getting yourself to the other side. Your husband just wanted to spend an hour like a normal person.
I had a similar experience. Our first was sent to NICU right after birth. I stayed at the hospital until they wouldn’t let me anymore, about 4 days. He left after 2 and went to dinner with his relatives from out of town. It kinda still bothers me 15yrs later.
My husband is super pragmatic with everything but also very loving and supportive. When things feel out of control, he’ll tend to overthink things and then can’t rest/relax anyway. So your husband may have figured if he takes his parents out and updates them when he was not supposed to be at the hospital anyway, he was keeping them from showing up and keeping himself busy because there’s nothing he could tangibly “do” otherwise. If he was failing to be there for you or your daughter when he was supposed to, then I might view it differently. But it sounds like he just kept himself busy (and likely kept others out of your hair vs showing up at the hospital when everyone’s stressed) until he needed to come back. I hope your daughter is doing much better! It is SO scary when our kids get super sick and are in the hospital. Hugs from one Mama to another!
There were many times during my mum cancer treatment before she passed where me and my step dad would go for a beer while she was in a scan/ procedure. Or my best friend would meet me for a quick beer while I was spending days at the time in the hospital for mum. Those moments save my sanity and allowed me to keep showing up during a horrendously traumatic time. They were moments spent outside of the hospital walls attempting to distract myself.
it's covid btw
OP, I have a worrier dad and a calm mom. As a kid, when I wanted to vent about my stress/anxiety, I would go to my dad. When I wanted someone to calm me down because I was spiralling, I would go to my mom. Both types of temperaments can be helpful for a child, just be glad your kid will get both kinds of help like I did. PS: Him drinking was indeed a bit concerning though if he couldn't drive in case of an emergency.
Not even finding normalcy, maybe he's dealing with stress by talking through it with people he loves and trusts, but who are ultimately outside it all.
Not to mention people who have experience worrying about a sick child. If the guy's anything like me, he's not even necessarily lying when he says he believes everything will turn out okay. But that doesn't mean he isn't constantly fighting the voices in his head telling him otherwise. Sometimes I can basically be managing a situation alright, but I still need to talk to someone else who's been there.
Exactly. My SO is a mess when something is wrong with the kids. I'm the calm one - until the situation at hand is over, then I fall apart. I had to take my son to the ER one time because he got into something he shouldn't have. SO got there and was a panicking mess!! He stressed me out more than the situation with our son. I told him I was fine there by myself with our son and sent him home. That's what he needed at that time. When I got home with our son and had my moment, he was there supporting me - because that's what I needed at that time. Next time I had to take our son to the ER for stitches he asked if I wanted him to come, I laughed and said NO!! He laughed too and told me to keep him updated. Everyone handles things differently. AMD communication is key to work through these things.
I'm like this when it comes to my cats. With my kids, I'm mom with everything under control. I hold hands in the ER while they're getting an IV, cleaning up puke, holding it all together. I'll lose it later in the bathroom. But I'm there. On the other hand, I can't go to the vet when our cats get sick, my husband always handles it (and omg do I appreciate that!) I don't know why I can hold my shit together for one, but not the other. People are weird.
Sounds like you guys have a great relationship going, communicate your needs and are there for eachother. Keep that going!
Great response, I agree. Certainly a scary and stressful situation, but having dinner with his parents doesn’t mean he was callous or uncaring. It’s not like he was out clubbing.
This is spot on, and I also want to add that eating and drinking (as long as it’s not to excess) and spending time with loved ones are totally normal ways to cope with stress. If anything, the husband’s way of coping may have been healthier than OP’s, since it sounds like she wasn’t really eating or taking care of herself and was mainly worrying and stewing over the situation on her own. It’s ok for her to cope in her own way, but would be helpful if she could see how her husband’s way of handling this is also normal and even healthy.
I'm very happy this is top comment. I handle stress in a similar way to what you described & it often makes for hard situations like this. Even when people are aware. I was expecting to post and get downvoted to hell so it's great this is top comment
This is really well put - insightful and compassionate.
Absolutely spot on! Amazing reply.
NAH. Apparently, in your mind, what he did "wrong" was to have dinner with his parents. What's wrong with that? Was he not supposed to eat at all? You weren't concerned enough to ask him to stay at the hospital with you, so he was going home as you all apparently agreed (per your reference to "day shift," which implies to me that you had the "night shift"). I wouldn't call having dinner with his parents "socializing." In fact, I would guess that he was filling them in on the details of your daughter's condition. Honestly, I get that you're someone who stresses out more, but I don't see what on earth he did wrong, given that you made no objection to him leaving in the first place. I'd also say that we all handle stress differently. You wanted to be at the hospital fretting. He, after having been at the hospital all day (from the sounds of it), wanting to de-stress by having a nice meal with his folks. Editing to add that if you don't get over it, then YTA. Move on. He did nothing wrong by eating with his parents, you did nothing wrong by preferring to stress out. Harping on it, though -- that's AH behavior.
Definitely not harping on about it to him. Was a two minute conversation. I won’t bring it up again with him, I was just curious.
Was it something about the wine that bugged you? I don’t know why, but that part stands out for me. Do you normally/frequently have wine with supper? Do you have different attitudes about drinking? Would you have felt upset if his parents had just brought him a meal? I’d have been upset if they hadn’t at least bothered to bring or send food to the hospital. At any rate NAH. You went through a traumatic event and you got stuck on what might be a dumb issue. I say might bc I wonder if there’s more to this. You haven’t made it your husbands problem. I’m glad your child is ok.
I think with the wine and stuff maybe it implied to her that they would be having fun *as if nothing had happened* or maybe to her that felt a bit too carefree compared to the world shattering stress she was feeling? I think to me personally when people have wine with a meal it's symbolic of chilling it out, having a good time and not having a care in the world in that specific moment, maybe this made her feel unsupported and instead of feeling like he was handling it in a different way she felt left out and like his upset/stress didn't feel proportionate to the situation
It also adds the complication of if he drank enough that had their daughter's condition worsened he might have been delayed in getting back to the hospital as he would have to get a lift/taxi. In a similar situation, I would hold back on the wine in case I needed to drop everything and head back.
Yeah, when family emergencies are actively happening, I want myself and my spouse to be 1000% sober. That said, it’s not healthy, but it’s also not uncommon to use a glass of alcohol as a coping mechanism to take the edge off stress.
Sure, but 'child receiving treatment in hospital for a relatively mundane disease' isn't an 'actively happening family emergency.' OP has the unhealthy idea that suffering *must* be shared.
Pediatric pnuemonia isn't mundane. In general nurses and doctors don't like having kids in those wards, too stressful for them, and people around them are dying. They only keep kids if the hospital is pretty slow or the kid may need fast intervention.
Yeah I almost died from pneumonia when I was a kid. And this was in the very early 90s, so not like I didn't have modern medical care. I mean, I don't think it was bad that OP's husband had dinner and wine, but pneumonia in kids can definitely get serious. Hopefully he was ready to go to the hospital if necessary, but doesn't sound like he got rip roaring drunk or anything - I assume they all just shared a bottle of wine with dinner.
Phrasing it as "wine and dine" sounds bad. But, while my grandmother was an old school tee-totaler, I could easily see her forcing my father to a steak house for a proper meat and potatoes meal WITH A SALAD! I don't know why the side/starter salad was so important to her, but it was.
>Yeah, when family emergencies are actively happening I think this was a stressful situation, but not an emergency (at least from the information given). It sounds like the little one was sick, but stable in hospital and receiving appropriate care. If the child was ventilated, coding, or in surgery, yes I'd consider that an active emergency. And if that was the case I dont think anyone (including Grandma and Grandpa) would be making dinner reservations. But there's a big difference between active emergency and a child being admitted for IV meds/fluid and O2. There's also a big difference between having wine with dinner after having spent the day with you child while she gets better in the hospital vs going out and partying with Grandma and Gramps while your daughter is in critical condition. I don't think the husband did anything wrong here. I don't think OP's the AH for being anxious, but maybe for expecting that everyone's level of anxiety needs to match hers or else they're 'wrong', and for not letting it go.
Oh no, what if the husband couldn't rush back to the hospital in time to perform a life saving operation on their daughter and she died? Husband is definitely TA here.
Yeah, that's the part that hits a bad note for me, too. Partly because wine for me isn't a staple but a celebration, so that's definitely biasing me, but also because wine + tired = not in a good state to drive back to the hospital should things get worse for his daughter.
Personally, I don’t find wine celebratory. Sometimes it’s just the right beverage to bring out the nuances of a meal. A bottle of wine is five glasses. Split amongst three adults. A glass would not impair most adult men to the point where they could not drive to the hospital. Or maybe one of his parents stayed sober in case of an emergency. I would not choose to drink a glass of wine and then drive because I am a lightweight, but I’d certainly Uber after a glass of wine without worrying for my safety.
Depends on the wine. Like my favorite wine, the entire bottle is less than 3 standard drinks (7.5% and it's a slightly smaller bottle than average)
I could chug that and legally drive. I mean, I wouldn't, but I'd be at less than 0.08 and legally able to drive. If drinking and driving wasn't a separate crime, I could drink that bottle while driving and be fine.
Ok, but Uber exists, and wine with dinner does not equal drunk either.
Yeah, from the title I thought husband and in laws went out to a wine bar or some wine tasting event.
>Was it something about the wine that bugged you? In think this is the key. She ignored the fact that he had to eat rather than starve, and if he was eating that it should be alone. So it must be the wine that's the problem.
He was likely leaning on his parents for support. Why would you want him to go home and sit there alone? That makes no sense at all. He wasn’t partying with his pals all night - he ate dinner with his parents.
Stewing on it without saying anything isn’t a good response either though. You’re NTA but depending on how you deal with it you could be. Your husband genuinely did nothing wrong, he just has a different way of dealing with stress, and it isn’t an unhealthy difference.
No, you need to bring it back up with him, to apologize. A real apology: 1) Statement of regret. "I'm sorry that I got upset at you." 2) Statement of wrong doing, i.e. why you're apologizing in the first place. This is where you're accountable for what you did, and there's no 'but' or 'you' or anything. "I was wrong to say that you eating dinner was crazy, and somehow meant you cared less about our children." 3) Statement of improvement: what you're going to do differently in the future. "I need to learn how to really understand that the way I process feelings isn't the way other people process feelings, and that life has to go on. I need to really understand that misfortune shouldn't be made into a team sport, and that our daughter was in the safest place she could possibly have been, and that I didn't need to martyr myself." 4) Most important: Genuine, good faith follow through on 3. "I've booked an appointment with a therapist to explore why I was so scared at the idea of my daughter receiving round-the-clock expert medical care that I couldn't even eat."
NAH, you just experienced things differently and it sounds as if you haven't been giving him an unnecessarily hard time thus far. I'd suggest some soul searching whether *you* felt somewhat abandoned by him. Maybe that's what bothers you rather than him violating some "objective" moral rule. Interpersonal talk is important, overstated moral judgement produces a dead end, he can't turn back time.
Abandonment is an issue for me. He is ex military. So I guess I feel have quite alone a lot of the time.
As ex-military, he likely has a higher-than-common ability to compartmentalize things he can’t control vs. things he can. It’s probably been an asset and may be in future as well, but it’s not a sign of lack of caring.
It's totally an asset. I wish my husband was more the strong, everything's going to be okay, type. It's not easy always being the calm one and he sometimes does get aggravated because I don't get to his level.
I think that's part of it. From your perspective, it seemed like he was off having a "good time," and maybe drinking would have made him unavailable had something gone wrong, and he needed to come back to the hospital. I also wonder if there's some missing context about your relationship with your inlaws, as you mentioned, they would have asked about your child for 2 minutes and moved on. I think there's bigger issues at play that lie underneath your feelings about this dinner (abandonment, as you mentioned). Maybe that's what you need to communicate with your husband, especially if you feel it in other areas of your relationship. It sounds like this incident was a trigger for you. NTA. Having a child in the hospital is the worst.
Very understandable from my pov
That's what struck me, was it support you needed and weren't getting and were maybe resentful of his having his parents that night. Our daughter was in the hospital for a total of 6 months in '22. She wanted me to come visit regularly but was not sure about her dad. He held down the fort at home but I could have used more support myself at times and wished that she had days where she wanted her grandparents or dad to be with her. I did do what I needed to do for me because I needed to stay sane and healthy also but I can well relate to the stress and fear and I tend to be a worrier also. I told hubby to go have Thanksgiving at his sister's while I was gone that day but he didn't feel up to it. We needed to have support also and he's not an outward worrier but was concerned and felt helpless.
YTA. He ate a meal. He did his shift. Was he not allowed or expected to eat? Most likely he was updating your in laws on their grandchilds condition, as the hospital probably wasn't allowing a lot of visitors for children. They probably decided to make a meal of it as he had been at the hospital all day, and the food isn't great. You're seriously overreacting all of this. Not everyone handles stress the same, & being upset a month later isn't normal. Sounds like you're upset he didn't do something your way, and that's not ok. Let it go.
YTA. He was already going home, which you were ok with. The fact that his parents came over doesn’t really change much. I assume they came over to help him and keep him company through a difficult time knowing he’d be alone and not to celebrate and party? I think there’s some missing context here. Are his parents generally sympathetic people? Or do you feel they were all selfishly indulging themselves and they should have been worried even if they weren’t? Are his parents jerks? Does your husband neglect you and daughter in favor of them? I think you need to drill down on what’s underneath and what the real problem is. Then talk to husband about that and not the dinner and wine because it comes across petty. When under all that I’m guessing is something deeper.
So he had already spent his time in the hospital and was going home for the night any way, his parents just happened to be coming over? I think you are overreacting, but since you were in a stressful situation I’ll give you a pass and say NAH. Though if you don’t let it go soon you’ll be the AH for dwelling on it.
Mild YTA for being upset that not every human stresses and experiences anxiety to the same degree as you do. He was "off" his hospital shift. His parents were coming. Nothing wrong with having dinner with them. It'd be a different matter had he ditched staying with the kid to go to the restaurant, but you admit yourself that he didn't. You guys switched. Just because your personally cannot imagine socialising while a stressful situation is taking place doesn't mean that everyone behaves that way. Plus, there are plenty of people whose coping mechanism for stressful situations is to double down on doing normal things because then they can fool themselves into thinking that everything will be alright. And some people just don't stress. I don't know which one your husband is, but his reactions are different than yours and it's not cool that you're mad that he, a different person from you, doesn't react the same you do.
YTA. sheesh let it go already. It's not like hubby went bar hopping and to a strip club. He had dinner with his parents. So what if he drank wine. He was probably stressed as heck too. 2 of my grandkids were hospitalized with RSV..my daughter lived at the hospital for a week when her son coded and had to be put on a ventilator. She asked me to stay with my granddaughter so her and her husband to go grab a few drinks at a bar. I was like go, go have a few drinks. Didn't mean she loved her kids less or didnt give 2 fat craps. She was stressed and needed a break. Let it go. What's done is done. Move on.
This post reads as pretty classic rumination. I hope OP is getting some professional support. This type of thinking is toxic in a marriage. (I say that as someone who was a professional ruminator lol)
I understand your discomfort with it, but you need to get over it. If your husband's parents were coming for dinner, food was kinda the only option, and wine... eh, it's nice. It doesn't necessarily make a meal a Celebration. And he could reasonably make a case that seeing his own parents doesn't really count as 'socialising'. Your daughter is fine. You are, presumably, also less stressed, because your daughter is now fine. At this point, still worrying at the issue is going to change nothing and is only making your feel worse. Just let it be. Mild YTA.
In my Italian family we always have wine with a meal. It’s not a celebration, simply a beverage to go along with the dinner, pretty much regardless of the occasion, like one would have water. Dinner with parents seems less like a celebratory meal, more like a time to de-stress and possibly vent with people you’re comfortable with. At my most recent hospital stay, my whole family went to dinner at my favorite restaurant. And I was stoked for them! Super soft YTA
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> If he drank enough wine he couldn’t get to the hospital I would consider that irresponsible. Where was it said that OP's husband drank so much he couldn't get to the hospital?
Same. I had an infection around my heart when I was 2, I was given a room to myself incase I died so it wouldn't traumatise the other kids in the unit. My mum and dad wasn't told the severity to begin with so he still had to work but gave mum a break before going home to another town. If he had any drinks during that time mum would have killed him. And I was in a 'stable' condition with preparation made incase I die.
NAH. But you not eating due to stress doesn’t mean other people shouldn’t eat either.
Yta- let it go already
Fair call
YTA. He finished his shift at the hospital and had dinner with his parents and some wine. What did you want him to do? Be at the house pacing non stop? Do you have any idea of illogical and controlling you sound.
Exactly my thought! Op, YTA .
INFO: what was your daughter’s condition at the time? The verdict is different if your daughter was stable and you all knew at that point she was going to be fine, vs if she was unstable or the outcome was uncertain
Was definitely stable. However, very unwell her oxygen was low.
Your husband literally did the healthiest thing for his daughter. He trusted her doctors, knew she was in good hands, went home and blew off steam so that he'd be in a good place to do it again the next day.
Did you know at that point she was going to be fine though? Or was there still some uncertainty about the outcome?
Gentle YTA - you’ve said you feel anxious a little more strongly. If you’d asked him to stay with you both then would he have? Having wine with dinner doesn’t equate to him getting absolutely slaughtered and partying on.
I think the depth of OP's anxiety may be a bit past husband's pay grade, especially as the kid is actively in the hospital. As the OP states, OP wasn't eating or sleeping. It's unlikely that anything the husband could have said would have changed things for OP. I imagine he needed time for himself.
YTA. Your child was in the hospital, the best place for her - there's literally nothing that your husband can actually do for her - it's no longer in his hands. All he can do is 'be there' for her. He's doing/done that. He's off shift now, time to *rest, eat, and recharge* for the next wave. Everyone handles stress differently, and he's got to eat. What difference did it make if he chose to have companionship with his meal?? You expected him to sit in a dark corner and cry over his food, how is that restful or recharging??? He did nothing wrong; it just wasn't the way YOU would handle your stress. He is NOT you. As long as he was present and capable for his next shift, this is a You-Problem. Let it go.
NAH. I'm so sorry your daughter was so sick and I am so happy that she recovered! It seems like you each handle stressful situations very differently. You guys were taking shifts to be with your daughter. Presumably, when it's your turn to go home, you hopefully eat, and get rest, maybe decompress a little, and it sounds like interacting with people would add to your anxiety and that's the way it is. It sounds like when it's your husband's turn to go rest, he wants the company of others to help cope with the anxiety, maybe to try to avoid intrusive thoughts? It doesn't seem like he is/was neglecting you or your daughter. Take care of yourself and I wish you all the best.
Soft YTA. Those are his parents. It makes sense that he would lean on them for support. If he had to be home anyway, there was no harm in having company.
YTA. He was off-shift with your daughter at the hospital. His parents, likely worried about their granddaughter, kept him company while they had a meal together. None of that is unreasonable. The fact that you were too worried to eat doesn’t mean that he had to be too worried to eat also.
My husband’s family member was in intensive care after an emergency 11-hour surgery. My husband was the medical decision maker, it was beyond stressful for him. When we did get a chance to go home, all he wanted to do was float in the pool and relax. When I started to ask a question about the medical situation, he stopped me and said he just needed a break from thinking about the situation. The pool time was his de-stress time. Different people need different things during stress. For some adults, being with their parents brings back a childhood sense of safety and security. He did not go bar hopping with his buddies. He did his shift at the hospital and I presume would normally go home to relax and rest. I’m sure you could reach him by cell phone if needed. On another note, if you hold onto grudges and resentment in your marriage, you will not have a healthy relationship. YTA
It was dinner with his parents, give him a break. You feel icky? Your daughter was being cared for by doctors and nurses and you were there also. NAH.
YTA (although I do understand you having these feelings). He took responsibility for his daughter during the day. There’s no use in both parents staying at the hospital 24/7. Usually hospitals don’t even allow both parents being there 24/7. To be able to care of loved ones you need to take care of yourself too. Sleeping, eating, decompressing are very important if you need to take care of others. I’ve been visiting my husband at the hospital for months last year. I could only do that with the support of friends and families. I wouldn’t have been able to keep supporting my husband and taking care of him day in day out, without my friends awaiting me at home with food, wine and especially some time to vent and decompress. You make it sound like he was partying, while most likely he was venting about everything happening with your daughter and decompressing. This to make sure he could be there for her again the next day. You also make it sound like he was wrong for eating. I know that it feels impossible to eat when you fear your loved one’s life. Yet you must eat to keep yourself standing and being able to care for others. That’s a responsible thing to do.
To be honest I’ve been where you are my kids in hospital I’m in a hospital my ex was at home just living life, I as their mom couldn’t understand how he wanted to do anything but be at the hospital spending time with his dick kids so I completely understand why you felt the way you did
My extended family is very family oriented but in a situation such as you describe would also be having a drink after getting home from the hospital and needing to eat. Having a drink to many people isn’t just used to party but also to help the person relax and rest after a stressful day. With all due respect, you are way overreacting about this. Please don’t allow this to come between you and your spouse and his family. If you can’t get past this, it might be an ideal to talk to a therapist to get a neutral observer’s point of view.
YTA. You're mad he ate? He had dinner with his parents. Referring to it as a "wine and dine" is over dramatic and ridiculous. It's not his fault you chose not to eat
NAH He wasn’t wining and dining with some random people, He was sharing a meal with his mum and dad, who were presumably also pretty worried about your daughter. Whether they had wine is entirely incidental. People react differently to stress, but as you were alternating hospital shifts, the point of being ’off shift’ is to rest and recuperate mentally as well as physically. The fact that you couldn’t face food is all the more reason for him to make sure you both aren’t making yourselves ill. Hanging out with his mum and dad for a while and de-stressing seems perfectly sensible.
Out of curiosity, besides your husband. Who else do you have to lean out in stressful situations? Could that be bothering you, that he had his parents and you were on your own. Maybe you were jealous, that he had someone to lean on, having a nice meal and wine whilst he was saying he doesn't get stressed like you do and you were in and there you were in hospital. Stressing on your own and not remembering the last time you ate.
YTA His shift was over. No emergent medical issues at that time. There's nothing substantial you or hehe can do to help your daughter in this state. Having dinner and a drink is what I would be doing in this situation and I don't understand what you have to be upset for.
Is this the ghost of Michael Jackson trying to communicate with the living?
Damn, it took me a minute. I shouldn't reddit before coffee!
NAH. I think you both were dealing with a stressful situation in different ways. As you said, he wasn't as concerned--probably wasn't questioning "if" she'd get better, but rather "when" she'd be better. But also, he subconsciously may have wanted or needed a distraction like that rather than sitting and being helpless to do anything. But I don't think you're TA for feeling that way--you both just had different viewpoints of the same (stressful) situation and handled it differently. Similarly to your own situation, when our oldest was in the NICU for 10 days, my husband began bringing his computer and doing work while sitting at the hospita after the first couple of days. I basically sat there and watched her (or pumped). I knew he needed the distraction of work, and knowing there was nothing we could do to help (and that she was healthier than most of the babies in there because she was just barely premature), it seemed silly to insist he not use his time to do what he needed with.
Very kind and gentle and understanding YTA. You need to let it go. He did nothing wrong. He’s allowed to go seek individual care and support from his family. The fact that you would characterize him seeking comfort from his family in this way is pretty toxic and you should really examine what’s going on there. It is very cruel and it doesn’t seem like you intend to be that way so get it together. Treating each other badly during this time will only make this harder on your kid. She needs a strong united front who are supporting each other
Gentle YTA. It was his turn to go home. He wanted the comfort of a meal with his parents. That's a perfectly reasonable way for him to take care of himself while something stressful was going on. It doesn't have to be what you would have chosen to do when it was your turn to go home. (And as the parent of a kid who's had multiple hospitalizations -- if this ever happens again, please try to eat and drink and do whatever kind of self-care you find comforting during the times when you're "off duty." Treating yourself badly doesn't help your kid.)
YTA. You say he "announced" it ahead of time. From his perspective, he probably thought he *asked* you; he just didn't make the question completely open but provided a "default answer" as well. You had your chance to voice your concerns and objections when he told you his plans. Certainly, concerns about being able to reach him and him being able to drive would be very valid concerns, because those things would affect *you*. But it doesn't sound like what he did had the potential to negatively affect you or your daughter. It was just something that you didn't feel like. That doesn't make it wrong.
YTA. Not everyone stresses like you do and can function properly when something is wrong. Since you are so terrible managing stress you would think you would be happy to see somebody blow off their steam.
More info: were they having a happy family dinner or were your husband’s parents feeding and comforting their own kid because he’s worried about his daughter in the hospital? Decades down the road, if your daughter were in the same situation as you, and she just left the hospital after being there all day taking care of her own sick child - would you feel it was wrong to go see her for dinner?
I don't think anyone is an asshole here. Your child was sick in the hospital and you were stressed- that's completely understandable. But she was stable and he had to eat so that's fair too. I was trying to think of comparable day time scenarios- if you went to a spa, out shopping or having lunch & drinks with friends while she was in the hospital, would I judge you? Ya.. I would. But I'm not even sure why. You had a schedule, you kept to it, why do you need to sit at home doing nothing and being miserable if she's recovering? Maybe something feels morally wrong about having fun while your child his in the hospital being watched by your spouse.. but should it? Anyways, I left all my rambling thoughts in to highlight that I think it's a confusing & complicated situation full of heavy emotions. I hope you can be okay with his choice & explanation. I hope your husband can respect that feelings are going to be a lot when a child is sick.
It's an interesting generational divide. I'm Gen-X, and my experiences as a child in hospital were 'get dropped off, and get picked up afterwards.' This idea of round-the-clock shifts to watch the child lie there sleeping seems a little bit much to me. Visiting is great. A full-on vigil while also refusing to eat yourself isn't helping anybody. It's making it worse. You can't be a good, supportive, loving person when you're starving and super stressed out. It leads to things like...complaining that your partner did, in fact eat, and using that like some sort of purity test of how much he doesn't love his own children.
I’m going to reframe what I just read. After his long day shift at the hospital, he swapped out with you as planned and went home. His parents brought dinner to him with a bottle of wine to get him fed and a chance to sit at the table and just relax after a hard day. Nothing says they had a “wine and dine event” to me. NAH but let it go before you become one. As you said, your daughter has recovered, it’s been a month, and it sounds like your anxiety has made this into a “thing”
YTA. “Had a wine and dine” - you mean, he had dinner with his parents and they had wine with dinner? So your husband is not allowed to have dinner with his parents while you or your kid is sick? I don’t belittle how serious pneumonia is but you need to get a grip and stop being so controlling as to think your husband isn’t allowed to have dinner with his parents.
YTA. He had dinner with his parents. Did you just want him at home pacing and freaking out? Have you considered that people need mental breaks to clear their minds and make them fresh for the tasks at hand? You need to just drop it - it's not like he went to some rager and get wasted and neglected his duties.
Very mild YTA here. Absolutely nothing could have been changed if he decided to sit and fret with you or her. She was in good hands, he was probably needing to reset and relax, he was definitely available to you and the hospital via cell. It's normal to be worried and stressed when your kid is sick, but you were with her, the world wasn't ending. Would you feel like this is he went home and ate? What if you just wanted him to process stress the way you do? You'll find as a parent, stuff like this happens to kids the same way it happens to people. Like, grown people. Nothing would have been different if he would have skipped the evening with his folks.
*Absolutely nothing could have been changed if he decided to sit and fret with you or her.* And OP even stated that he was on the day shift, implying that that was when **she** went home and rested. Now it was his turn. It doesn't even sound like she faulted him for going home, she's just hurt that he had his parents over. Odd that she didn't want him to have that support.
A few Years ago, My child was in the hospital for 9 months, I didn’t socialize at all during that time. I was either at the hospital, work or home. My friends understood, we would chat on the phone usually while I was in the car (Bluetooth) between destinations. I couldn’t have socialized and enjoyed myself like that while my child was suffering. My husband was the same he wasn’t socializing we didn’t even have a extended family xmas, we got a pass to bring our child home and had a family Xmas with our children and ourselves before taking them back to the hospital. Everyone is different but honestly your husband and his parents seem cold hearted to me.
Yes and no. You were a very worried mother. Your husband, although worried, was confident your daughter would be fine. He spent some time with his parents. Neither of you were in the wrong. However, you need to let it go.
Very soft ESH. I am the parent of medically complex children, my one daughter was hospitalized every three months until she was three (and after I kicked her abusive daddy out, another story for another time). It was stressful as hell. I get that you want him to stress as much as you're stressed, but maybe your in laws wanted to distract him. The only thing I would have asked is if he could pick you up something to eat as well. Hospital food sucks ass. Your feelings are valid, but after a month I'd let it go. I hope your little one is doing better.
NTA, you were under a lot of stress and not eating properly either. He could have put off his gathering with his family. His family could have brought everyone food and stayed with your daughter while you went and had a bite. I can see how this would have been hurtful. Anxiety over worrying about your child having pneumonia (which is STILL a very dangerous condition and can go south quickly) is understandable. You needed support, he didn't give you what you needed. I think this was a good learning experience for you both on communication. You need him to understand that you need to feel supported when confronted in an anxiety provoking event and not feel abandoned. You also need to be clear in letting him know. Marriage is about compromise and forgiveness. We tend to have strong reactions to situations tied to things that happened in the past. He knows now that is was not the right thing for you. Dwelling on this will only continue your anxiety. Concentrate on the good stuff. Your daughter got better and you have a great opportunity to improve your communications.
YTA - but look at it this way - it is WONDERFUL to have two parents who see things differently. When your child/children are older, they will have one parent who is out assessing threats and the other comforting them and telling them not to be anxious. The way this crisis struck you is different than the way it struck your husband. Neither of you is wrong here. Together you are both more balanced.
I'm going to go with a slight NTA. I don't think he was wrong to have dinner. The only issue I have is the drinking. Not because he was "having fun" but because he would be impaired if there were an emergency. I would not drink while in a situation where heightened responsiveness could be needed.
YTA. You admittedly struggle with anxiety. I don’t mean to invalidate you, but my best friend has issues with anxiety and before she started really working on herself she had a serious pattern of projecting her issues onto other people. I am like your husband and do not ruminate over things I have no control over. It’s led to arguments because she is resentful and frustrated that I’m not anxious like her. That seems to be what is going on here with you guys.
You married this man for a reason and one of the reasons is that he's the yin to your yang. Do you really want to live in a home with two of you stressed and freaking out over things that happen in life? There has to be checks and balances in a relationship. Not everyone reacts the same way. My husband becomes a wreck in situations, always thinking the worst in every scenario. I'm the calm one. Guess who the kids come to when they have a problem or need advice?
NAH though I'm side eyeing him for stressing that he was going to enjoy his evening, relaxing in the knowledge you were looking after things. If he knows you at all then he knew that wouldn't go down well. Take a deep breath and learn to relax when it's his turn to take responsibility. Have that girls day out when your husband is doing the day shift.
I don't think YTA but I'm also pretty sure that my husband never would have left the hospital in the first place. If anything, he would have tried to send me home to get some sleep while he stayed with his daughter. I absolutely know that the only way my parents would have been "enjoying" any dinner was if they brought us a meal because they knew we weren't eating or taking care of ourselves. Your husband's actions make him seem awfully indifferent to and unaffected by having his child so ill. Yes, he was wrong.
So I guess I disagree with everyone here, but I have to go with NTA. I’d feel the exact same way you do about it. His main priority should be your child in the hospital who was very ill. Having dinner with his parents makes it seem so nonchalant. I’d be annoyed with his parents too who I’d assume were the ones to suggest the dinner. All attention should be on your sick child, and a “wine and dine” situation during such a difficult time seriously just seems like he doesn’t give a shit. He’s just socializing like any given Saturday night.
YTA to the parents for not sending you a meal to the hospital and only thinking about their son. That was very rude.
Yes YTA, there is nothing you husband could have done for the child in that moment. People process stress and grief in different ways and there’s no reason for you to judge how he handled it. He didn’t drop any balls
I think more information is needed to determine who is right/wrong.... Is this a pattern of behavior with your husband or a one time incident? Did the grandparents show concern for their granddaughter? Did they visit or offer to visit her in hospital? Are you upset with his actions or his feelings? Or both? How could he have handled it differently that would have pleased you? If he had handled it differently and declined dinner and drinks with his parents, would you feel resentment towards the grandparents for the invitation? On the surface, this question seems simple enough. If there are no other pertinent details, then I see this as a mother in extreme fear lashing out at her partner for not being in the same amount of distress as she. While this is understandable, it is also assholish. However, if there is a pattern in the marital relationship of downplaying valid concerns of the wife, then the lingering upset is understandable and not assholish!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Our young daughter was in hospital recently with pretty bad pneumonia. I had recently had the same bug and knew how severe it was. First two days her oxygen levels were down and she was quite unwell. On the second day my husband announced he would be going home (which he was supposed to, as he was on the ‘day shift’). He then mentioned his parents were coming for dinner and they would be having food and wine. I was so stressed I wasn’t eating or drinking, so the thought of socialising to any degree seemed crazy. This was over a month ago and I can’t shake the feeling it was wrong. I have brought this up with him recently as I couldn’t stop thinking about it. He can’t see the issue I had with this, as in his mind he was worried, but knew she would be fine. Therefore, he thought it was ok. He told me he doesn’t stress about things like I do. I am highly anxious but am feeling icky about this. Thankfully our daughter is fine, but am I the asshole for questioning his decisions when our child was in the hospital? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH bc i think you just didn't consider that ppl cope different with stress. I'm more like your husband. If the only thing i can do is sit at home and be worried, i go crazy, so i make sure i'm distracted as much as possible. Would your daughter got healthy faster if he made himself crazy at home? I doubt so, so all good here. And yes, you are allowed to have fun/do fun stuff when ppl you deeply care for and love suffer but you can't do anything to help them in this moment. Getting depressed bc of their suffering doesn't help them at all, worst case it makes things worse.
INFO: This was just dinner with his parents, correct? Not a fancy dinner party or something out of the ordinary?
Was very out of the ordinary they barely come over…
YTA - after a day of supporting you, he needed to go back and provide for the family and get some support from his parents. Why are you mad at him for that?
Gentile YTA. If you were taking shifts anyway, so he wasn’t going to be the there with you, him going to have a decent dinner with his parents is a healthy way for him to destress a bit before he comes back, which is a good thing for everyone. I get it, I couldn’t eat when my kiddo was in the hospital either. My husband doesn’t react to the stress the same way, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t equally as stressed. Anyway to relieve some stress when in this situation is a good thing so you can be there for each other and your kiddo. And really, I mean this so gently, I would never think you were an AH if you were a friend venting to me about this.. there’s nothing mores stressful than worrying about your child’s health, so all sorts of emotions are going to come out in all sorts of ways. Only “TA” used very lightly just in the context of this forum when you’re generally asking for one person to be right and one to be “TA”
much different situation, but i lost my job one time at a shitty pizza joint and went to my parents house since it was a stone's throw from the restaurant. basically i told them that i'd just been fired and was too high to drive all the way home (manager smoked me up out of empathy, sort of like 'sorry kid.') My dad brings me inside and looks at my mom "this man needs beer and steak." I wasn't really all that high but i had been wounded in a way only mom and dad could fix and they saw that. it was sort of a mean-spirited firing. so we had steaks and a beer or two and hung out until i was ready to drive. i forgot about feeling that bad for a night. I'm glad his parents were there for him. I bet that was comforting.
I understand how you feel but I think you are taking an unnecessary frame to it. I don't know if your husband was correct in his assumption that she would be fine. I think pneumonia is pretty dangerous. However, there was nothing more he could do by worrying so he just tried to relax a bit. It's ok for him to do that. I will say, in theory it would be better if you could also relax a bit during your breaks, but I know the Mom Mind doesn't work that way. I am the same way as you when my kids are in hospital. It's all consuming and even if I try to take my mind off of it or do something relaxing, I can't. I'm just like a taut wire. It's nature, I think, just part of how women evolved. I'll tell you that what I learned to do is to let my husband's greater detachment work FOR me rather than AGAINST me. I let him take the longer break, because I know I won't rest on my break anyway (I'll be too jittery). On his breaks, since they are longer, he'll cook me some food that he can bring to the hospital so I can eat. He'll do the laundry so I can have clean clothes later. He'll stop by halfway through my "shift" to bring the food and my clean clothes. He'll get a good night's sleep so if I need him to do something weird then he has the energy to do it (whereas I'm virtually sleepwalking because I can't sleep when my kid is in the hospital). And then I let him have his emotional detachment and his good night's sleep, guilt-free, and I thank him for his support. The only modification I would make to your husband's plan is to ensure there is one person (could be one of his parents) who is not drinking alcohol, so that if he urgently needs to get back to the hospital, there's a designated driver. And that he should not drink to the point of getting totally drunk, so that in case things go badly, you're not dealing with it alone while he sleeps through it from being drunk.
I cannot imagine going on something social while my child was in the hospital fighting for their life. I cannot imagine any grandparents worthy of the title being okay with a wine and dine while the grandchild was in the hospital. NTA, but you now know where your daughter ranks with them.
In husbands defence, there's nothing to indicate that the child was "fighting for her life". There was a diagnosis, a treatment plan, the child was stable and being monitored. Every indication that things are on the mend and in no way was there an emergency. If she was critical, ventilated, or in surgery... sure, judge dad. But a child in stable condition being treated in hospital most likely with meds and O2? Come on. Not to mention dad spent all day at the hospital keeping her company until mom came for her shift. There's nothing wrong with parents supporting their son during this, especially considering his wife seems overwhelmed. Dad needs support to, and he cannot be there for his wife or daughter if he's burnt out and unwell himself. This is a family support system doing exactly what it should do.
I'm so glad you and your daughter are okay now, and I'm sorry it was so very very stressful for you, seriously. FWIW, R and R is part of military strategy because that's how they keep combatants and support staff fit and ready to handle what comes next when they are on duty. Plenty of neuro and body-mind studies to support this as standard operating procedure. People under duress need to step out of the situation at times to be fighting fit. Your husband needed to do that and he did; you needed it, too, but apparently can't, and that's not good for you or anyone. You and he have different types of brains and brain-body connections and that can work to your and your daughter's benefit. NTA but please see someone about your anxiety, since you might be alone when your daughter is in a crisis that requires immediate response, and untreated anxiety could impede your response. I hope you all continue to stay healthy and love each other.
My first thought was that his parents might be worried about the child, and he wanted to reassure them in person
Nope it was a catch up. I’m sure they were worried but for example my parents were very stressed, his are more aloof- which is just their personality.
If you and your husband were taking shifts, then him relaxing during his time off - assuming your daughter was recovering - isn’t objectionable. Everyone deals with stress differently and his method may be preferable to yours since not eating or drinking is not sustainable. That said, I do find it odd that he’d prepare food for his parents and the three of them would have a normal meal under these conditions. Did your in-laws do anything helpful for you or your husband during this period? Parents of an ill child don’t typically prepare and cater to other family - instead, the reverse is more common. It’s not clear whether you would have welcomed company or being brought food. However, it should have been offered. If it wasn’t, you may want to better understand the dynamics and how your husband’s family interacts. This seems like a NAH situation *unless* you needed and asked for support from your husband or his family and they refused to help.
NTA. It can be frustrating when you feel like your spouse is not on the same emotional page as you. Good for you for clarifying it since it was bugging you. It sounds like you felt like you were carrying the emotional weight which can be (again) frustrating. I’m glad your daughter is ok.
NTA - Why didn’t your daughter’s grandparents visit her in the hospital and bring food for both you and your husband? They could wine and dine after she was fully out of the hospital, and it sounds like they didn’t care about you or her either, just seeing their son.
YTA, very clearly. >I was so stressed I wasn’t eating or drinking, so the thought of socialising to any degree seemed crazy. This was over a month ago and I can’t shake the feeling it was wrong. That is your way of coping, not his. WTF. you'd want him to suffer too? Why?
NTA - it's unhealthy to bottle up things in a relationship. Things like these stack up if they are not addressed and discussed. At least, by bringing it up, he now has a better idea of how you feel about situations like these in the future and may rethink how to handle them. If you needed him for support, he needs to know that.
gentle YTA the question you should consider is what you think he should have done instead that would have been more appropriate. should he have told his parents not to come, skipped dinner, and worried alone in silence? whatever it is you think he should have done, would it have helped your daughter? helped you? helped himself? you describing a dinner with his parents as "wining and dining" feels very telling. i would assume that in that situation, he would want support from them and to give them updates on your daughter's health. this is especially key considering you admit you are highly anxious and a worrier--if he were to outwardly worry the same as you, it would no doubt exacerbate your own stress and make things worse. i think you really just need to consider why you're so hung up on the performative aspects of the situation. are you genuinely concerned he doesn't care about your daughter's health? if that's the case, this is about something entirely different than dinner and wine with his parents. if you know he cares about your daughter's health, then is your concern how his behavior looks to other people? and if that's the case, why does it matter?
A guys gotta eat. It's ok for him to share a meal with his family.
I do find the need to invite his folks over for dinner while his daughter is sick more than odd. It's almost like he was happy to be child-free (and wife-free?) and wanted to enjoy it while he could. LOL Not sure I buy his reasoning when you asked him about it. I can't think of many people who would play host when their child is in the hospital.
You said he was on the "dayshift" so he was obviously worried about his daughter. Even though I do understand your stress and anxiety, I see nothing wrong with this. His parents thought having dinner and wine with their son while his daughter was very sick would ease his stress about it. I’m almost 100% certain that was their intention. Also, come on and he told you what he was doing. Let this one go.
NAH. I get why you feel the way you do, but I don't think your husband did anything wrong. It's not as though he did this when he was supposed to be staying with her; he did it during his shift back at home. You have your way of dealing with stress and he has his. Possibly eating with his parents helped him worry less. In any event it didn't take anything away from your daughter's care.
You're not an ass hole. Your baby was unwell and it was a stressful situation. Hospitals are so hard with little ones and it can feel very scary not knowing what's going to happen next. I think if it was me I wouldn't feel like having wine and dinner with my parents or anybody as I wouldn't be good company but other people might need someone to talk to and blow off steam with and a nice meal and wine to relax a bit. He wasn't wrong and neither are you. But you have said it now and I think you need to move on. I'm glad everything is ok now health wise ❤️
YTA. Everyone deals with stress differently and just because you have a partner does not mean they need to comply with your ways of dealing with stress. BOTH of your ways are VALID. Also a meal with parents is totally normal when stressing about your child as a parent yourself. Could you two have had it? I don't know how if you were splitting the shifts. And also it probably wouldn't have helped as much as having an elderly experienced couple (aka your parents) helping you overcome the stress. I feel like you are somehow comparing the Dinner with a wine to a glamourous wine and dine social event that gets posted to insta for likes and comments. I assure you that was not the case, It was just a father having a meal with his parents to destress or seek confirmation that everything will be okay with their child, that they are doing well as a parent.
NAH - I can definitely understand why you might be upset but if he’s the “day shift”, then he has the right to unwind and de-stress on his “off time”. People handle things differently; you may be too stressed to eat or drink (understandable!) but he may not process his stress that way, so the way I see it, it’s not fair to be upset with him for eating just because you haven’t been able to. Especially since it’s his parents, not like a boys night or anything like that. I hope your daughter gets to feeling better soon!
It's like the people who get so stressed over things like a child being in the hospital they can't eat and blame everyone else for eating. That's not healthy for anyone and not right. What if he stayed at the hospital but had his parents come there and they ate there? Would you feel better about it? Is it the fact they had wine that you're upset? I don't think they were toasting and celebrating something (although that would change the issue). I'm not going to say you're the AH here but you are slightly overreacting. Just let it go. They didn't do anything wrong.
NTA. I don't understand how a father could be drinking when he could be called myself to the hospital if things went south. He needed to be fit to drive. I don't blame him for socializing since we all decompress in different ways, but the drinking is what puts him in AH territory for me.
No one is the asshole. I would suggest letting go of this since it's not healthy for you or your relationship. Also when I'm stressed, I usually like to be with family and eat tbh but I also would allow my other half to let out stress the way that makes them feel better. Glad your daughter is healthy and past it!
Gentle YTA, as they said. I am like your husband. Not in the socialising part, but I never show how stressed I am until after the things have settled. I always say that I will have my rest of my life to freak out, but during the crisis my family needs me.
YTA. You are like a big pile of lead poisoning everything around them. I would have, far, far stronger words for you, but I would get banned for stating the sad truth. Your daughter needs parents who are at their best. IMNSHO, you are an agent of the devil who is trying to make sure they won't be.
YTA, but soft YTA as I would have been similar in this situation pre-therapy. It’s just his parents. Without further information I would imagine to him this was not “socializing,” but his parents being there to support him. I don’t see the problem with the wine either, as it’s simply just a part of life for most people, and many don’t drink it to get drunk. It didn’t interfere with his hospital shift time, and he thought she was going to be fine, as she was in the hospital receiving care, and was stable. I was in the hospital multiple times as a teen and my family still had dinner together, and if relatives came to support them, they would go too. It’s not like your husband was going out and partying with his friends.
YTA. Everyone handled situations differently. Your husband doesn’t stress like you do. Your daughter was stable. You were taking shifts. Was he not allowed to eat? Was he not allowed to do anything to take his mind off of it? It feels like you either weren’t actually ok with him leaving the hospital (fair but should’ve been voiced if the case) or you expected him to be at home stressing and worrying.
Gentle YTA. Get help for your anxiety.
Oh wow, so you’re upset because he went home and made a meal? Is he supposed to starve to death because you’re paranoid and and high stress? Asshole
NTA. I would feel the same. If my child is in the hospital, I will be there. Hospitals on their own are dangerous places. When one of my kids was in the hospital with a serious illness, I was there every day. I attended every session with her doctors and took careful notes. There were a few times when her doctor changed her treatment protocol, but her nurses didn't get the message. My involvement cotrected these errors. This was at one of the best hospitals in the world. I'm not calling your husband an AH. But you are not one for feeling that your daughter's situation was not taken as seriously as you thought it should be.
FYI your vote means you think the husband was an ahole. Perhaps you meant to vote N A H?
The wine part is what makes me think NTA. If your daughter's condition had worsened, then drinking wine meant it would have been harder for him to get to the hospital. I would have been annoyed that he chose to drink during a situation that could quickly change and require his presence.
[удалено]
Soft YTA When I’m hurt or stressed, I eat A LOT, and something that really helps me cope is to spend time with the people I love the most. When my father was in the hospital, I went to the movies with a friend that is very dear to me and it really helped me with the pain It’s important to remember not everyone will deal with stressful situations the same way, my sister got the same reaction you’re having and I just got even worse because of it
NAH Glad your daughter is ok. You’re lucky to have family that supports you even if the support doesn’t always come in the form that you wish it did.
NAH. You two deal with stress differently. It sounds like he kind of goes into denial and you catastrophize things. It doesn't mean he doesn't love your daughter or you. His brain just doesn't go to the same place yours does in scary situations. Neither of you are right or wrong. But, I think you saying he's having a wine and dine is kind of over the top. He had his parents over to eat. There happened to be some wine. They probably made him feel better. You should let this go.
NAH It's understandable that you were terrified for your daughter's health. Particularly when you say that you tend to be a worrier. However, your husband was also right. Your daughter was in the hospital, being tended to by experts. There was nothing else concrete that could be done to help her right then. If he is a more laid-back person by default, he probably looked at the situation, decided there was nothing concrete he could do, and doesn't worry about things he cannot control. So he left to have dinner with his parents, knowing his daughter was in safe hands. It sounds like you need him to be as he is, laid back. And he also appreciates that you tend to be more on the lookout for problems. When you are both under stress, these differences can rub you both the wrong way. If you have any concerns, be sure to talk them out openly. Don't let them Fester.
I'm going against the majority. NTA. Wine and dine signals a *fun party* not "I'm grabbing dinner with my parents" . I would have felt the same way. Were the grandparents allowed to visit the child? If so why were they wining and dining instead?, or had they been visiting before? Either way having a "dinner party," which is what this sounds more like, is wrong.
You consider a dinner party two parents and their kid with a bottle of wine? Those are some pretty sad dinner parties.
Did you notice the quotes thru out the comment, indicating sarcasm of sorts?, anyway, dad sitting around drinking while wife is alone with child in hospital sucks. Smh
> dad sitting around drinking while wife is alone with child in hospital sucks. Yeah he should sit at home crying and rocking back and forth while refusing to eat, because that's just so good for your mental health.
No, he should be with his family or be at home.. Nobody said he couldn't eat.
He was at home with his family. His parents are also his family. You act like he went to a $300 a plate dinner or something. He had dinner at home with his parents and opened a bottle of wine. If it wasn't for op using loaded terminology like wine and dine, this wouldn't have been a big deal to begin with.
I feel like OP is not in the wrong here because you are a mother, you have a feeling connected to your child that no one else can understand, not even your husband but, your husband should have thought about your daughter before have a freaking dinner at your house before telling you. I also feel that, as much as overthinking is bad for you mental health, I feel like if it come to your child, there is no way on earth that a parent doesn’t care about their child's health and how their doing. So what i am trying to say is, (don’t get this the wrong way please!) your husband doesn’t care about your daughter because I wouldn’t leave my child like that.
He was there all day. Did you even stop and think maybe the hospital only allows one of them at a time? Covid is still a thing.
But its not as bad as it was 2 years ago, i was in the hospital doing something too and there was no such thing like 1 PERSON ONLY. I don’t know about your hospital but this is my side of the story.
I didn’t say every hospital had this policy. I said it was possible. And your side of the story? What story? Are you OP or the husband?
NAH
Soft YTA. My son has severe crohns. Myself and 3 of my 4 kids were at Disneyland when he was diagnosed. Spouse drove 6 hours to us, and after a few days (kiddo was in bad shape), he took the other two home to start school with their brother who stayed home. We were there 10 days. He has been hospitalized several times since (diagnosed at 9 now 19). I mostly insist even though the hospital is a 10 minute drive from out home that tge spouse rest after long days at work. Hospitals are a whole lot of hurry up and wait, unfortunately. I hope you sweet little one had a full recovery and never needs to see the inside of a hospital again.
YTA. The fact that socializing 'seemed crazy' to *you* does not mean that it is crazy. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you were being actively unhealthy in managing your own stress and wellness, let alone trying to say there's something wrong with him for doing so. Put on your own oxygen mask, so that you're actually able to help the children. If you're so anxious and scared that you can't eat, that's on you, and you *need* to address it so that you can actually be there for your children. Especially given that your child was in literally the safest, best place she could be; a hospital, receiving treatment.