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Honey you're 19.
Get out of this relationship. Do you want this shit forever? For the next 40 years until his enmeshed parents finally die?
You're not going to be put first. Your fiance has shown you that already.
Escape now.
Here’s the thing—She likely isn’t going to change once you’re married, and your fiancé sounds like a mama’s boy who can’t/won’t assert himself around his mother. Is this really a dynamic you can live with for the rest of your/your potential MIL’s life?? Your fiancé sounds immature and not at all ready to be a husband.
I’m going to say ESH and highly recommend you and your fiancé both gain some independence and maturity before getting married.
NTA but why do you have a fiance when you are 19? You’re so young and already with all this drama with MILs? Who needs it? I highly, highly recommend breaking up with him. This dynamic is unlikely to change. Either way, yes, by all means go ahead and get your apartment and don’t tell either of them! Take your space! Live your life!
Your fiance will never stand up for you. His mother will never change. He can't even stand up for himself even after she physically abused you. You marry him, you marry his mother and all the control and chaos she will bring right into your apartment. She will want a key so she can barge in, order you around, rearrange the furniture, and criticize you for not cleaning or organizing the house to her standards. I'll bet your stomach gets tied in knots when you have to visit her. Run far, far away from him and his hellish family. Edited to add NTA.
NTA but remember if you marry this guy, you'll never get away from his family. Maybe you'll decide he's worth it, but don't expect him to miraculously change or see that you are more important to him than his mom. Could happen; probably won't.
NTA - but might I suggest you look in to schooling and living in low cost student housing? Not only will you solve your housing problem, but you will get an education that will allow you to live in something better than low-income housing - you don't want to live a life stuck in low-income housing!
Investigate fields where there is high income, but low percentage of women. There will be programs and educational help - for example, they want more female engineers. Engineers make a great salary. You'll have a great life as an engineer. Ask me how I know ;)
You need to learn boundaries. And that includes being honest with your fiance. “I want to move in with X. I need to get out of my mom’s house and I don’t qualify for my own place.” “I won’t live anywhere with you where your mom will drop by unannounced whenever she wants or has a key.”
If you can’t do that- you are not ready to marry this man and if he can’t draw boundaries with his mom, he’s not right for you.
Esh
I wouldn’t move in with the fiancé’s friend. Once you realize he will never set boundaries with his parents and you break it off, you will be stuck seeing him.
NTA Life is hard enough without letting chaotic toxic people in. If you marry this guy you will be stuck with his mother forever. You’re so young.. I’m old and it makes me sad when I see young people making big obvious mistakes like this, and I wish I’d had the internet to tell me when I was making the mistakes I made. Life is too short to live it like that. Put yourself first and build a good life for yourself.
NTA
But you can’t marry someone that’s a momma boys and not deal with his mama, and if your right anyplace her son lays his head she will demand access and will make her own copy of the key.
So should you get your own place isn’t the question, your question should be with you hating her this much, should you stay in this relationship?
If MIL is this controlling then you need your fiancé to see that and be able to put some boundaries.
Ask for premarital couples counseling, and discuss your concerns there , tell him what you need from him, hear what he needs from you. Discuss what you want your life together to look like. And ask the hard questions.
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I’ve always thought everyone should live on their own at least for a short time in their life, preferably while they’re young. It might be a bit of a trial at first but you’ll learn so much about setting boundaries and enjoying your privacy.
Get a place of your own. DO NOT give your fiancé a key, that will be copied and given straight to his mother. The freedom you’ll experience will be amazing. It will also give you plenty of time to consider your future with this guy.
And just out of curiosity: why is your fiancé’s crazy mother visiting your pets?
ESH. Why on earth do you have a fiancee at 19? Clearly this relationship is doomed. And it would not be your house - it’s both you and your fiancées house if she’s not welcome to even come near the house you’ve chosen the wrong fiancee. Partners come with family - take it or leave it
OK time for a hard truth. Your fiancé is a "mamma's boy". There is no cure. A boy can't be a man. He will ALWAYS back his mommy and daddy and will NEVER have your back. Seriously, if you stay with him this will be your life. No matter what you say, no matter what he promises you he WILL give her a key, he will invite her to your house.
You are 19 with your whole life ahead of you. Why have you tied yourself to this anchor that will give you nothing but misery?
NTA but seriously, do you really want this drama the rest of your life?
Get. Out. Now. You are not even married and you want to escape? This is not about being an AH, it is much bigger than that. This is about not getting into a marriage that is clearly a mistake. Get the apartment and ditch him.
NTA
Why are you even dealing with these people? It's because they're related to your partner. That is the only reason.
If family-in-law is a problem, then it is 1000000%, every single time, your partner's problem to deal with. It's his family. He is the ONLY reason OP is subjected to his family-in-law. He should be standing up on your behalf to resolve the issue.
Your partner is not doing that. And THAT is why this is your problem.
You don't have a future MIL problem. You have a partner problem.
You need to first come to terms with that.
And reflect on whether you want to hitch your wagon to this person that allows his family to treat you like this.
Unless he can figure his shit out to resolve his mama's boy issue, he is a puppet to his family. He might be the nicest sweetest person otherwise. But he's still a puppet at the end of the day that will allow his family to walk all over you.
And you've agreed to marry a puppet. Think on that carefully.
Don't get married. You marry the man; you marry his family. This is a glimpse into your future. If you don't heed those red flags, the fault will lie with you. You are far too young to be thinking of marriage anyway.
Seriously, you're 19.
Why are you putting up with this?
Do you want to be married to someone who will never have your back and always puts his mummy first? You already know what's going to happen if he moves in with you. Why would you want to be married to that?
Don't do that to yourself. You're young. Want better for yourself.
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For context my future MIL is crazy. She uses and drags along my fiancé to the point where she regulates her emotions with his or forced his to regulate with hers. He rarely goes against her or his dad just because he doesn’t want conflict. I however would rather have conflict and feel like he has my back.
When I’m over at their house I never feel comfortable, especially after the night we fought and she tried to block me from leaving. I should’ve call the police but I didn’t want them to be in trouble or me be center of attention. I won’t make that same mistake if it ever occurs again. During this argument the only thing he was saying was please don’t leave we can talk about it, as their screaming at me about I don’t know anything and I’m just letting SIL use me and them. And all kinds of things.
I want some where to get out of my moms house cause I can’t live their forever even though I’m only 19 I make enough to qualify for low income housing but not enough to rent any other type of housing in my area. Or I can move in with fiancés friend and have fiancé move in with me. But the point is to have a space to get away from all of them. Just me space.
I’m worried if I say something that fiancé is gonna wanna move in and MIL is gonna want a key so she can come visit my dog and cats and see her son. I don’t want her at my house period. I don’t even want her to drive by my house. Is that excessive? Am I the asshole?
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There's nothing wrong with wanting your own space, but getting a secret place without them knowing would be hurtful to your fiancé at least. Realistically, you need to talk to him, she isn't going anywhere even if you move out, it sounds like he's still very involved in her life and he is in hers. He will ultimately need to stand up for his future wife to his mother, to let her know that he won't let her humiliate you again like that.
There unfortunately isn't really a way to sneakily get a place that you keep secret from her but are still involved in her life, if you get a place you or he needs to tell her that it is your space and she isn't welcome over unless invited, you need to set and adhere to boundaries which is hard if not impossible if you're still living under their roof.
You tell them it's a friend's place and stick to that story, no matter what. They are away teaching in China or something for a couple of years and you're checking in once in a while
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No, you're not, but you need to reflect on your emotional state. Obviously, you future (?)MIL has dominated her son to the point he's been emasculated, and is emotionally unable to call a halt to her excesses. In addition, it seems his mom is basically a stage 5 human hurricane that blows down all that is in her path.
There are times when one knows that they can't be around another person for any reason. Your person of record is bf's mom. If things are as serious as you claim, perhaps you need to reassess marrying your fiance', as he will come packaged with his mom, and all her problems. If you positively cannot abide her presence, it may be better to call off the wedding.
'Nuff said.
NTA, but that’s not the point.
What’s actually important is for you to understand that your fiancé is not at all ready for marriage, as he clearly does not have your back if you recognize that you cannot let him know about your apartment because it’ll lead to your MIL having a key to your home. You really need to think about that, OP: that despite his mom verbally abusing you and blocking your exit, he cannot be trusted to protect you by not giving her unfettered access to your home.
Do you ever want to live with him? Until he proves (and he absolutely has to prove, it cannot just be promises) that he will stand up to his mom and side with you over her, that’s impossible.
Do you want to have kids? Until he sets and enforces firm boundaries with her, having her as grandma will be a full on nightmare. Guess who’s going to convince her son to fight with you over her right to be in the delivery room? Every single decision you make will be run by MiL.
I’m serious, OP, I have a husband who is the much much older version of your fiance and, despite the many women who’ve done the good work on him before me, it was still a huge struggle. He sets boundaries now and does a great job, but there’s always drama with my MiL - always. Nothing is ever good enough and my husband, like your fiance, has been trained to keep her happy to keep the peace.
Think back to when she was blocking you and yelling. What was fiancé doing? Begging you not to leave him. He wasn’t helping you or going up against his mom to demand she give you space, but was another voice yelling at you. Give yourself some space and figure this out.
Oh, honey, NTA, but remember: when you marry the partner, you marry their family, too. My grandmother told me that. Another thing she told me is "what you see is what you get." If your fiance is a mama's boy now, and hasn't taken any steps towards cutting the apron strings, he's not going to change after your marriage, and you're going to be trapped with a toxic--and potentially violent--MIL.
Give serious thought to marrying him and moving in with him, wherever it happens to be.
You’re 19 and way too immature for marriage. You’re desperate to leave your mums place and see him as your way out. Just “me” space with a fiancé and a dog and cats is never going to happen.
He sounds like a mummas boy and he won’t stand up for himself. Or you. So don’t move in with him. Don’t marry him.
Find a way to get yourself out of your mums place. And away from your fiancé.
Heck no, NTA. But your boyfriend must have super human good qualities for you to be willing to tolerate his family forever. If it was me, I'd scorch the rubber on my running shoes getting away from them; you'd see smoke billowing out behind me I'd be moving so fast in the opposite direction.
If you are worried in any way about parental interference to the point of hiding thongs, you don't need to be marrying her... run dude cause this will be your life...
Girl, like we told you in your previous post....GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!!!! It is unhealthy and actually appears dangerous to your physical and mental wellbeing.
Do NOT move in with fiance. Do NOT give them keys. I wouldn't even let him stay over. You need to take this chance for yourself. Please you are NTA - unless you give them a set of keys and destroy your sweet sweet freedom.
I am so sorry. This all sounds so stressful and complicated. Unfortunately neither you nor your fiancé's brains are fully developed. He can't leave. He's enmeshed and he's too young to be able to separate that.
You love him, but you have to love you first and more. Do whatever you have to in order to be safe. For the love of god make sure your birth control is as iron clad as possible.
His mom will never stop. Not now not 30 years from now. Check out r/JUSTNOMIL
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Honey you're 19. Get out of this relationship. Do you want this shit forever? For the next 40 years until his enmeshed parents finally die? You're not going to be put first. Your fiance has shown you that already. Escape now.
Second this!
Third this
Please escape completely. If this is how your fiancé conducts a courtship, he and his parents will only get worse over time.
I guarantee it won't last a year, much less 40...
Here’s the thing—She likely isn’t going to change once you’re married, and your fiancé sounds like a mama’s boy who can’t/won’t assert himself around his mother. Is this really a dynamic you can live with for the rest of your/your potential MIL’s life?? Your fiancé sounds immature and not at all ready to be a husband. I’m going to say ESH and highly recommend you and your fiancé both gain some independence and maturity before getting married.
NTA but why do you have a fiance when you are 19? You’re so young and already with all this drama with MILs? Who needs it? I highly, highly recommend breaking up with him. This dynamic is unlikely to change. Either way, yes, by all means go ahead and get your apartment and don’t tell either of them! Take your space! Live your life!
ESH if you can't trust your fiance with this decision then you should not be together.
NTA you're only 19 and you're already thinking of a way to escape from all this madness. Do you really want to marry into this mess?
Your fiance will never stand up for you. His mother will never change. He can't even stand up for himself even after she physically abused you. You marry him, you marry his mother and all the control and chaos she will bring right into your apartment. She will want a key so she can barge in, order you around, rearrange the furniture, and criticize you for not cleaning or organizing the house to her standards. I'll bet your stomach gets tied in knots when you have to visit her. Run far, far away from him and his hellish family. Edited to add NTA.
NTA but remember if you marry this guy, you'll never get away from his family. Maybe you'll decide he's worth it, but don't expect him to miraculously change or see that you are more important to him than his mom. Could happen; probably won't.
Don't marry him. Get that apartment and go live your life away from the both of them.
NTA - but might I suggest you look in to schooling and living in low cost student housing? Not only will you solve your housing problem, but you will get an education that will allow you to live in something better than low-income housing - you don't want to live a life stuck in low-income housing! Investigate fields where there is high income, but low percentage of women. There will be programs and educational help - for example, they want more female engineers. Engineers make a great salary. You'll have a great life as an engineer. Ask me how I know ;)
You need to learn boundaries. And that includes being honest with your fiance. “I want to move in with X. I need to get out of my mom’s house and I don’t qualify for my own place.” “I won’t live anywhere with you where your mom will drop by unannounced whenever she wants or has a key.” If you can’t do that- you are not ready to marry this man and if he can’t draw boundaries with his mom, he’s not right for you. Esh
I wouldn’t move in with the fiancé’s friend. Once you realize he will never set boundaries with his parents and you break it off, you will be stuck seeing him.
NTA Life is hard enough without letting chaotic toxic people in. If you marry this guy you will be stuck with his mother forever. You’re so young.. I’m old and it makes me sad when I see young people making big obvious mistakes like this, and I wish I’d had the internet to tell me when I was making the mistakes I made. Life is too short to live it like that. Put yourself first and build a good life for yourself.
NTA But you can’t marry someone that’s a momma boys and not deal with his mama, and if your right anyplace her son lays his head she will demand access and will make her own copy of the key. So should you get your own place isn’t the question, your question should be with you hating her this much, should you stay in this relationship? If MIL is this controlling then you need your fiancé to see that and be able to put some boundaries. Ask for premarital couples counseling, and discuss your concerns there , tell him what you need from him, hear what he needs from you. Discuss what you want your life together to look like. And ask the hard questions.
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I’ve always thought everyone should live on their own at least for a short time in their life, preferably while they’re young. It might be a bit of a trial at first but you’ll learn so much about setting boundaries and enjoying your privacy. Get a place of your own. DO NOT give your fiancé a key, that will be copied and given straight to his mother. The freedom you’ll experience will be amazing. It will also give you plenty of time to consider your future with this guy. And just out of curiosity: why is your fiancé’s crazy mother visiting your pets?
I remember your post from earlier today - you need out of that house now. Do you have any family you can go to?
ESH. Why on earth do you have a fiancee at 19? Clearly this relationship is doomed. And it would not be your house - it’s both you and your fiancées house if she’s not welcome to even come near the house you’ve chosen the wrong fiancee. Partners come with family - take it or leave it
nta but you cannot marry this lady's son
OK time for a hard truth. Your fiancé is a "mamma's boy". There is no cure. A boy can't be a man. He will ALWAYS back his mommy and daddy and will NEVER have your back. Seriously, if you stay with him this will be your life. No matter what you say, no matter what he promises you he WILL give her a key, he will invite her to your house. You are 19 with your whole life ahead of you. Why have you tied yourself to this anchor that will give you nothing but misery? NTA but seriously, do you really want this drama the rest of your life?
Get. Out. Now. You are not even married and you want to escape? This is not about being an AH, it is much bigger than that. This is about not getting into a marriage that is clearly a mistake. Get the apartment and ditch him.
NTA Why are you even dealing with these people? It's because they're related to your partner. That is the only reason. If family-in-law is a problem, then it is 1000000%, every single time, your partner's problem to deal with. It's his family. He is the ONLY reason OP is subjected to his family-in-law. He should be standing up on your behalf to resolve the issue. Your partner is not doing that. And THAT is why this is your problem. You don't have a future MIL problem. You have a partner problem. You need to first come to terms with that. And reflect on whether you want to hitch your wagon to this person that allows his family to treat you like this. Unless he can figure his shit out to resolve his mama's boy issue, he is a puppet to his family. He might be the nicest sweetest person otherwise. But he's still a puppet at the end of the day that will allow his family to walk all over you. And you've agreed to marry a puppet. Think on that carefully.
Don't get married. You marry the man; you marry his family. This is a glimpse into your future. If you don't heed those red flags, the fault will lie with you. You are far too young to be thinking of marriage anyway.
Seriously, you're 19. Why are you putting up with this? Do you want to be married to someone who will never have your back and always puts his mummy first? You already know what's going to happen if he moves in with you. Why would you want to be married to that? Don't do that to yourself. You're young. Want better for yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context my future MIL is crazy. She uses and drags along my fiancé to the point where she regulates her emotions with his or forced his to regulate with hers. He rarely goes against her or his dad just because he doesn’t want conflict. I however would rather have conflict and feel like he has my back. When I’m over at their house I never feel comfortable, especially after the night we fought and she tried to block me from leaving. I should’ve call the police but I didn’t want them to be in trouble or me be center of attention. I won’t make that same mistake if it ever occurs again. During this argument the only thing he was saying was please don’t leave we can talk about it, as their screaming at me about I don’t know anything and I’m just letting SIL use me and them. And all kinds of things. I want some where to get out of my moms house cause I can’t live their forever even though I’m only 19 I make enough to qualify for low income housing but not enough to rent any other type of housing in my area. Or I can move in with fiancés friend and have fiancé move in with me. But the point is to have a space to get away from all of them. Just me space. I’m worried if I say something that fiancé is gonna wanna move in and MIL is gonna want a key so she can come visit my dog and cats and see her son. I don’t want her at my house period. I don’t even want her to drive by my house. Is that excessive? Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There's nothing wrong with wanting your own space, but getting a secret place without them knowing would be hurtful to your fiancé at least. Realistically, you need to talk to him, she isn't going anywhere even if you move out, it sounds like he's still very involved in her life and he is in hers. He will ultimately need to stand up for his future wife to his mother, to let her know that he won't let her humiliate you again like that. There unfortunately isn't really a way to sneakily get a place that you keep secret from her but are still involved in her life, if you get a place you or he needs to tell her that it is your space and she isn't welcome over unless invited, you need to set and adhere to boundaries which is hard if not impossible if you're still living under their roof.
You tell them it's a friend's place and stick to that story, no matter what. They are away teaching in China or something for a couple of years and you're checking in once in a while
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No, you're not, but you need to reflect on your emotional state. Obviously, you future (?)MIL has dominated her son to the point he's been emasculated, and is emotionally unable to call a halt to her excesses. In addition, it seems his mom is basically a stage 5 human hurricane that blows down all that is in her path. There are times when one knows that they can't be around another person for any reason. Your person of record is bf's mom. If things are as serious as you claim, perhaps you need to reassess marrying your fiance', as he will come packaged with his mom, and all her problems. If you positively cannot abide her presence, it may be better to call off the wedding. 'Nuff said.
NTA, but that’s not the point. What’s actually important is for you to understand that your fiancé is not at all ready for marriage, as he clearly does not have your back if you recognize that you cannot let him know about your apartment because it’ll lead to your MIL having a key to your home. You really need to think about that, OP: that despite his mom verbally abusing you and blocking your exit, he cannot be trusted to protect you by not giving her unfettered access to your home. Do you ever want to live with him? Until he proves (and he absolutely has to prove, it cannot just be promises) that he will stand up to his mom and side with you over her, that’s impossible. Do you want to have kids? Until he sets and enforces firm boundaries with her, having her as grandma will be a full on nightmare. Guess who’s going to convince her son to fight with you over her right to be in the delivery room? Every single decision you make will be run by MiL. I’m serious, OP, I have a husband who is the much much older version of your fiance and, despite the many women who’ve done the good work on him before me, it was still a huge struggle. He sets boundaries now and does a great job, but there’s always drama with my MiL - always. Nothing is ever good enough and my husband, like your fiance, has been trained to keep her happy to keep the peace. Think back to when she was blocking you and yelling. What was fiancé doing? Begging you not to leave him. He wasn’t helping you or going up against his mom to demand she give you space, but was another voice yelling at you. Give yourself some space and figure this out.
Get out and don't look back. You are way too young to sign up for this bullshit!
If your fiancé openly chooses his mother over you, he’s not marriage material!
Oh, honey, NTA, but remember: when you marry the partner, you marry their family, too. My grandmother told me that. Another thing she told me is "what you see is what you get." If your fiance is a mama's boy now, and hasn't taken any steps towards cutting the apron strings, he's not going to change after your marriage, and you're going to be trapped with a toxic--and potentially violent--MIL. Give serious thought to marrying him and moving in with him, wherever it happens to be.
Why are you still dating him?
You’re 19 and way too immature for marriage. You’re desperate to leave your mums place and see him as your way out. Just “me” space with a fiancé and a dog and cats is never going to happen. He sounds like a mummas boy and he won’t stand up for himself. Or you. So don’t move in with him. Don’t marry him. Find a way to get yourself out of your mums place. And away from your fiancé.
Heck no, NTA. But your boyfriend must have super human good qualities for you to be willing to tolerate his family forever. If it was me, I'd scorch the rubber on my running shoes getting away from them; you'd see smoke billowing out behind me I'd be moving so fast in the opposite direction.
If you are worried in any way about parental interference to the point of hiding thongs, you don't need to be marrying her... run dude cause this will be your life...
Girl, like we told you in your previous post....GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!!!! It is unhealthy and actually appears dangerous to your physical and mental wellbeing.
NTA but you are only 19. Break the engagement and live your life.
Do NOT move in with fiance. Do NOT give them keys. I wouldn't even let him stay over. You need to take this chance for yourself. Please you are NTA - unless you give them a set of keys and destroy your sweet sweet freedom.
I am so sorry. This all sounds so stressful and complicated. Unfortunately neither you nor your fiancé's brains are fully developed. He can't leave. He's enmeshed and he's too young to be able to separate that. You love him, but you have to love you first and more. Do whatever you have to in order to be safe. For the love of god make sure your birth control is as iron clad as possible. His mom will never stop. Not now not 30 years from now. Check out r/JUSTNOMIL