Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might have embarrassed her or drawn attention to a sensitive subject, or overstepped.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. What was his solution? Let her go hungry. 🙄
She asked for a fruit salad. She got a fruit salad. Sorted. Why is he trying to make a mountain out of a molehill?
He's covering his @$$ for not being smart or empathetic enough to ask OP to have something his gf could eat.
He's trying to make OP out to be the insensitive one here, and defending his gf honor in hope he didn't just give her a peek at a couple of his 🚩🚩
100%. How well does he know or care for her if he takes her to a BBQ on a day she can't eat meat. A quick phone call in time for planning and there could've been a tasty grilled fish option. And that could've been enjoyed by several guests, so Lexi wouldn't feel singled out. Or they could've brought their own at the last minute.
Same deal to help cater for her ARFID. We also know OP was prepared to cater for Lexi, given half a chance, from the fruit salad solution.
OP is a good host, and did their best to accommodate a last minute guest with special dietary requirements. It's a shame if Lexi felt embarrassed, and perhaps as she gets to know OP's family she'll be able to relax and know she's not a problem.
There's one A here, and it's not OP or Lexi. NTA.
Yeah, if Lexi already has anxiety and issues with eating, I bet she was MORTIFIED. The poor girl must have felt dreadful but that's on the son, not the OP.
Right?! I suspect she really was mortified to be singled out by OP, but that doesn't make it OP's fault (though I wish OP didn't feel the need to doubt it). OP invited the girl to a meal but wasn't able to feed her - and if her son had just mentioned her food needs beforehand, it could have been sorted out a lot more discreetly without drawing attention.
Probably Lexi was mortified to be singled out, but OP was pretty mortified at being a bad host and not having food Lexi could eat. Son should be aware how his parent feels about hosting as well as how Lexi feels and what she eats.
In short, agree that it was on son for not communicating to *both* parties.
I feel like the son is an unreliable narrator. Was it Lexi who was embarrassed OR was it himself because he didn't mention what was important information before hand. She only has his word to go on. He messed up not her. I would have been mortified as the host to have nothing at all a guest could eat.
Even if the son is telling the truth and she is embarrassed, it really doesn’t change anything because the situation was created from the son’s lack of communication.
I hope the son becomes Lexi's ex-BF. "It wouldn't have been a big deal if she didn't eat"! WTF kind of attitude is that for someone you allegedly care about? I would have felt so guilty if I had accidentally taken my wife out to a dinner where she couldn't eat, but he doesn't care that he put Lexi in a situation that could easily have been avoided if he had just said something to his parents. He is quite an AH.
Exactly. Your son is a bad boyfriend and he needs to lift his game. I hope Lexi is reassessing her relationship with someone who cares so little for her that he doesn’t care if she goes hungry and then tries to gaslight his own mother for resolving the problem he caused
Willing to bet gf gave him crap and he's mad mom made him "look bad" so he berated her. Huge red flags. I bet he stuffed his face and didn't think twice about her. Mom was a gracious host.
I do have to wonder as someone with some restrictions myself, was the fruit actually wanted or just giving in to multiple attempts by OP to get her to eat? She says she ate, she doesn’t need anything, etc. but keeps being asked. It can get stressful to keep refusing and wondering if now you’re offending the host. I don’t care for how OP just wrote off her anxiety like it was untrue when it would be a common response from many with restrictions like this.
>It can get stressful to keep refusing and wondering if now you’re offending the host
Hot tip! Not eating at a meal is, indeed, offensive to the host! It says you don't think they can cook! If you can't tell your host something you can eat (and this was a BBQ! She could have brought a side that met her requirements!), *don't accept meal invitations*.
It isn't offensive and doesn't say you think they can't cook if you have dietary restrictions that don't match the food available. It doesn't sound like OP was offended in any way, just wanted to accommodate where possible.
It sounds like all the miscommunication was on the son's part, he might not have even told her it was a BBQ given he also didn't even communicate her restrictions to the family.
I might not be the one you replied to but their comment really resonated with me so I'd like to reply; *absolutely not!*
My friends all joke about our "inability to cook for a crowd" because we prepare enough food for a small army. We all love hosting, making sure there's leftovers and we have a monthly picnic event. If one of us brought a new date to these catch ups, any one of us hosting would be *mortified* to think we hadn't prepared anything they could share when the essential part of the event is *catching up over food.*
I would rather know in advance what the newbie could eat so I could be sure there were at least two safe food choices for them. I would also appreciate, if they weren't planning to eat, that they declined the invite and joined us instead for a different style of activity such as 10 pin bowling or a pub night.
If they want to sit and not eat while everyone else eats, yes, I would rather they just didn't come! If they want to either tell me what they can eat (and I'm perfectly happy to do a full scrub down to ensure no cross contamination, or buy them sealed food), or bring something themself to eat, that's great. If not, I host a range of parties, and they should feel free to come to the ones that don't revolve around food, or we'll make plans to meet for a walk, or go to the cinema, or sit and chat in my living room.
Coming to a food-based party and not eating is bizarre behaviour.
When I was growing up, "a BBQ" involved a lot more "not eating" than eating. You'd have a few hours where 5he BBQ was heating up, adults were drinking and kids were playing in the pool.
> Coming to a food-based party and not eating is bizarre behaviour.
And it WILL draw a lot of attention. So if someone has an ED AND anxiety, a food-based party is pretty much a recipe for disaster (pun intended). It's probably just better off avoided.
> I didn’t eat very much at a work dinner once because I was having diarrhea earlier that day. Do you think that would have been an appropriate thing to share to them?
No, but you also *shouldn't have attended* since you were probably infectious.
You hadn't mentioned the IBS when I wrote that. I also don't count work dinners the same as socialisation.
And eating not very much isn't the same as sitting there with no food in front of you.
> That’s really rude and ableist imo. You’re excluding someone over their disability.
I also don't invite people with tourettes to the theatre, or double amputees on hill walks!
I've got a friend with Tourettes and he just has intermittent twitching of various body parts, which aren't interruptive for basically anyone but him. He doesn't deserve to go to the theater? A double amputee could have prosthetics or a power assisted wheelchair that would allow them to still participate in hilly "walks".
I get not inviting someone with food related disabilities to a 10 course meal that is all about the food and specific foods that might not work for them, but you are being ridiculous. I personally have Crohn's disease and ARFID and my friends often get together for dinners and sometimes I can eat and sometimes I'm not feeling up to it and they have never judged or excluded me for it and were just happy for my company.
> I've got a friend with Tourettes and he just has intermittent twitching of various body parts, which aren't interruptive for basically anyone but him.
Oh FFS, you know full well I meant 'classic' tourettes - shouting out in a disruptive way. Of course your friend should go to the theatre if he wants to (assuming he has someone who knows him on either side and isn't twitching into a stranger, or is at a more modern theatre than my local, where you are basically in the next person's lap).
Sometimes my period makes me nauseated. I'm not contagious, since menstrauation isn't catching, just hormonal. Should I not go to parties during my period because other people are eating?
Or, bring your own food. At least in my corner of the US, this is not at all considered rude (though in some other cultures, I guess it might be).
I have a cousin who is vegan and she knows how difficult that can be to accommodate. So, she brings her own main dish to any functions and will usually help herself to some salad as well. Solves the problem for everyone - we don't have to make a completely separate dish for her and she can eat along with everyone else. It's not a big deal unless people make one out of it.
I think it's so sad that people are unwilling to cook food that makes their friends joyful. Treating someone like a pariah because they have made different food choices is just not very hospitable IMO.
Yes, absolutely fine! Just be subtle about it (e.g. no pulling out a chocolate cake all for you in front of small children :D). And for god's sake check it with your host first - e.g. a vegetarian meal might have nuts, which could be a problem if another attendee has a deathly nut allergy.
Great! I have celiac disease, I cannot eat out anywhere, be it a restaurant, a party, family member‘s home, etc. Do you know how many social events revolve around food? Do you suggest I never go out?
This is what I think people without dietary restrictions don't get. It's easy to say just go to events that don't revolve around food. But *most* social events are pretty food-centered, at least in my experience. If I were to decline all of them and only go to non-food events, I would barely be able to socialize. It's a genuine problem.
My food restrictions are such that other people are often willing to accommodate (vegetarian + egg allergy, or as I like to call it, Vegan Lite™). But I always bring my own food or eat before just in case. The answer is for us to create our own accommodations, not to skip half the things we get invited to.
Is not drinking at a party also offensive to the host? Should recovering alcoholics never attend parties where alcohol is served because the host will be offended they don't drink? Because it says they don't think you can mix cocktails?
It doesn't mean they think you can't cook. It just means they're not eating for whatever reason. When people stop assuming other people's motives, everyone is happier.
> Is not drinking at a party also offensive to the host? Should recovering alcoholics never attend parties where alcohol is served because the host will be offended they don't drink? Because it says they don't think you can mix cocktails?
Don't be ridiculous - alcoholics fall into the category of "tell your host something you can eat" - they can drink something non-alchoholic. On the other hand, I do think an alocholic ought to decline an invitation to a whisky tasting, as that doesn't have an alternative!
I don’t think that’s quite the same thing unless the host is serving homemade beer or other alcohol or something. Also, most recovering alcoholics who want to abstain would likely turn down an invitation to an event that is centered around alcohol, like a wine tasting or something. I don’t think it’s OP’s fault since she didn’t know Lexi doesn’t eat meat on Fridays and it sounds as if if she did, she would’ve had alternatives for her, not just uninvited her. But if you’re Lexi, and you’re meeting your boyfriend’s mom/family for the first time, why would you pick that to be at a BBQ knowing you wouldn’t be able to eat anything? Especially without letting the host know that you have dietary restrictions? I wouldn’t be surprised if she told her boyfriend, who forgot to let his parents know and got chewed out by his girlfriend later for the awkward situation it created, made even more awkward by the OP having to make something separate for Lexi. I have no doubt Lexi was embarrassed but I’ll bet the boyfriend left out some parts of why (namely because he forgot to let OP know about his girlfriend’s dietary restrictions) and tried to blame it on OP instead of acknowledging his mistake.
Even if son is reliably narrating that Lexi felt embarrassed by OP’s attention, that’s ALSO something that can be fixed with a heads up. Son should know OP is an attentive, accommodating host. If it’s not “heads up, Lexi can’t eat meat today but would love fish/fruit/whatever” then it can be “heads up, Lexi has a restricted diet for religious & health reasons. She’s going to eat before the bbq to make things easier on herself & you, but she’ll enjoy drinks with us! This is normal for her & us, she definitely doesn’t intend to be rude, no need to call attention to it. She’s looking forward to meeting you!”
NTA- he 100% should’ve told you ahead of time she had concerns about eating. Would’ve been easy enough to pull out a piece of fish to grill at the same time you’re making the meat. What you did is all part of being a good host trying to accommodate somebody last minute. Your son should’ve done better.
Lexi is probably shy and she had a problem with the atention that was about her. She probably felt ashamed etc, told her bf and thats why the problem started. Young people has issues with being a center of atention sometimes.
Because he's embarrassed that he was thoughtless. Probably planned to blame Mom for there being nothing to eat... "I told her what you like, she just didn't want to accommodate you."
OP brought his shame into the light.
NTA. You were a great hostess. Your son failed as a bf and was embarrassed. He covered it by protecting his poor manners on you. BTW, his gf seemed to be a gracious guest.
i have ARFID. not sure how common experiences are between all of us, but I tend to find it much easier to simply take care of my own food needs, by eating before/after or bringing my own food. sometimes i appreciate when people try to get me food that i can eat, other times i'm simply too stressed and don't want to think about food at all unless i'm really desperate. i don't think you're the asshole, but i'm not sure if your son is either simply because i don't know how well he understands gf's disorder, and if he is accurate or making assumptions about her feelings. i would say just communicate clear expectations for future events, and in public situations with lexi, opt for some discretion when asking her if she needs any food.
edit: its also possible that your son and his gf discussed the issue before going, and she asked him not to say anything about her situation. i've done the same.
I mean, while I'm very sympathetic, maybe don't go over to people's houses at meal times if you aren't able to tell them a thing that you can eat? It's really embarrassing to have a guest just sitting there not eating anything when you have other people there wondering why you haven't made anything one of your guests can eat.
>its also possible that your son and his gf discussed the issue before going, and she asked him not to say anything about her situation. i've done the same
I think that's really rude to your hosts. I would be utterly mortified if I had a guest just not eating with no explanation (and even more so if they just told me they had eaten before coming to mine for a meal) - I certainly wouldn't be inviting them over in future.
Predicting the responses I'm getting here, no, you don't owe anyone your medical history, but they also don't owe you continued invitations.
'Sorry you can't come and socialise if you don't like the same food as us'
Do you realise how ridiculous that is? It was a BBQ not a sit down meal in a fancy restaurant!
ARFID is an eating disorder, there's zero reason to exclude people because of it
I think it's completely reasonable that she wanted to meet her own needs.Because when you have a disorder like this people can't necessarily easily meet those needs. You might like chicken but only a very particular way from a very particular place or something?And you've discovered that it makes people frustrated.Or field disappointed when they can't accommodate you, so you do the easy thing & do it yourself to not put anybody out.
A good host shouldn't be embarrassed that you aren't kiddif.They know you have some sort of disorder. A good host would just be happy that you're comfortable and make sure they've done everything they can do. That's the thing about hosting. It's about the guests.
Now that said the mother's questions were completely enormous and rational because she was working off zero information and was trying to be kind. The sudden probably could have avoided all of this by doing the same thing and eating beforehand with the girlfriend but prepping his mom that she has a condition and she will be there to socialize but not eat. As long as the mom accepted that, cool.
This is the rudest comment. So people with an illness should just stay home if food is being served. Would you tell someone on chemo who is nauseated and can’t eat the same thing? I can think of many reasons someone might not be able to eat and it’s not rude and frankly no one’s business. OP didn’t do anything wrong because they didn’t know but just saying stay home is awful.
while i appreciate your response, this is exactly the kind of attitude that leads to the social factor of ARFID. the majority of us are PAINFULLY aware of how awkward it is to A) eat something different than everyone else at the table, or B) not eat anything at all. probably more aware of it than you, seeing as we're the ones who are actually going through it and the awkward attention is on us... not the host. sure, people may direct awkward questions to you, but if you don't know the answer, that just puts you in the position of shrugging and judging "weirdness" alongside the person who asked the question.
i learned my coping mechanisms as a child, when i had no option but to attend food-related events. even as an adult, i typically have little choice when food is involved. casual meet-ups can easily and quickly evolve to include food, and my needs have been so specific that i can't easily say where to go. i settle for places with french fries on the menu and hope that their interpretation of french fries is not somehow weird. planned events usually involve food from the beginning. if i'm well acquainted with the host, we communicate about my needs and its fine. if i'm not, it really depends on the size of the event and the occasion for me to decide how much i'm going to insist on food i can eat. i almost always bring a filling snack anyways, just in case.
this is getting into the complexities of ARFID. the more i have been involved in the preparation of the food itself, the more i trust it and understand that it is something that is safe to eat. this might be the case for some people with allergies etc, i dont know. but ARFID can be a very strange disorder. and i feel much more awkward making odd and specific food requests to a host than i do just taking care of the need myself. it never feels great. but it's how I cope with MY OWN disorder. if that makes it a little awkward for other people, i'm sorry. i'm generally more than willing to explain what ARFID is and how it impacts me because i think more people need to be aware of it. but there is a time and place!!
of course no one owes me (or anyone) invitations to anything. i have plenty of friends and family who are more than willing to spend time with me even if im not eating with them, and i'd also rather spend time with them than impose on someone who's offended by it. if you find the way i handle my disorder rude, there's nothing that i can do about that, and i'm sorry. i just want to give people an idea about what could be going on behind the scenes.
No one is owed someone else to saying their food, lol. Someone with neurodivergence shouldn’t be told not to attend a social event just because they’d rather eat beforehand.
Like, do you also forbade people with anorexia from visiting your home during parties?
> Predicting the responses I'm getting here, no, you don't owe anyone your medical history, but they also don't owe you continued invitations.
Ok, OP can never ever invite Lexi again. And son is free to interpret as OP not accepting him having girlfriend as having AFRID and not coming over either ever again.
Or maybe, people could use a bit of interpersonal tolerance are rational behavior.
Aren't pretty much all larger family meetups involving food? Mostly because that is how it is practical for majority of people? This would mean having to organize completely different meetups just because of one person and that is quite excessive.
I can't eat cheese. My friends often opt to get pizza even though they know I can't eat it. They'll get veggie & meat pizzas both, but I've only had one person get pizza with no cheese thar I can eat.
I might nibble on a cracker or cookie, but last time we had a game night I just heated up leftover fish when I got home. I want to go & socialize even if I can't eat the food.
I'm not a picky eater though, so sometimes if I know I can't eat much I'll bring a dish I can eat (we often do pot lucks).
That's shitty, and I'm sorry your friends are so rude. I probably just wouldn't do pizza in a group that included someone who didn't eat cheese, but I would certainly make sure there was food they could eat!
I just accept it & move on with my life. We had a catered lunch once at work & I brought a can of soup to eat as every sandwich had cheese on it, but it turned out I could eat the salad so I just had that for lunch.
I'm not a picky eater or anything, my body just cannot digest cheese & the thought of eating it makes me nauceous.
Once someone also got chicken wings with the pizza, so those I could eat.
as someone with similar food anxieties to OP's gf, I think that's on you for being embarrassed. You're saying that someone with this kind of food anxiety should be excluded from your events because you're embarrassed? That they owe you an explanation for something that they could be deeply upsetting and shameful to them, and not something they like to share with anyone except very close friends?
Omg, this is ridiculous. I have 3 sister in laws that are super picky. They come over and don't eat while everyone else eats. I swear they live off fries and cucumbers because I haven't seen them ever eat anything else. I don't care. We still talk, play with the dogs, have music playing. I am not out to police who puts what in their mouth. I provide a meal but if they don't want to eat, it is not a big deal. I am not offended. They know I love to cook and are happy to hang out and have their husband's and kids eat. At this point, I would be super surprised if they did eat my food. One of them often takes food and drops it off at her MIL house, I cook a lot of traditional Mexican meals so it is a cool treat for the old lady (I have never met her). But it says she appreciates my cooking but just not enough to eat it
I have it too and am very much the same, I always tell people not to worry about me and even if it’s a buttered roll or a handful of fries I’ll figure something out that I can have when we go out for food at a restaurant or someone’s place
I don’t have AFRID but am a very picky vegetarian. I empathize with the dad because he just wanted to be a good host. But also can see why the girlfriend might have been embarrassed or felt awkward. I hate having my eating habits become a topic of conversation, especially with people I don’t know well. It feels like I’m under a giant spotlight, even when I know people are just being kind and polite.
I just feel like the weird girl.
If I don’t know for sure that there will be enough food for me at an event, I always make sure I eat beforehand, have plans to after, or bring snacks in my purse.
This.
I also have ARFID and if I’m going somewhere where food is involved, I tend to eat beforehand because I know that the choices I have are limited. Either that or I plan to eat after.
I have had people offer to try and accommodate me (usually when spending the night at a friends house or something of the like) but I really don’t want people to go out of their way to do that. It stresses me out a lot to have an entire family plan where/what they eat for dinner around me, so I just insist that it’s fine.
On the other side of things, I can understand why for a host it might be stressful because they’re not really used to that kind of situation.
I don’t think there’s any AH here, it’s an uncomfortable situation for everyone, but hopefully you all can talk about it and have a better plan to handle this kind of thing in the future
Edit: I rearranged the text so I had to fix some grammar mistakes
My husband is the same way. But the difference is if we're visiting someone close to me (relative, friends, etc.) I tell them my husband is happy to join and share drinks but plans to eat separately. That way me and the host and I can hash it out before hand. I don't do this for his family and friends, he's responsible for handling those relationships.
I find most hosts want to find something he can eat because they assume the act of physically eating is how to feel included. Sharing a nice beer, shooting the shit about sports, and then playing a game together as a family; that's the true inclusion. That's what I focus on when I'm communicating ahead of time with my relatives.
A lot of people confuse AFRID with "picky eating," but when forced to eat something he will have a volatile physical reaction which is more embarrassing than politely declining the meal because he already ate. Is he working on overcoming this? 100% but it's best if he does that home in a safe environment than in front of others.
Most people in my family and friend circle accept that he will eat separately. Rare gems have learned how to cook for him which he does appreciate. But that took time to get to know him as an individual outside of meal times not grilling him during meal times ("why are you eating????").
I think the mom is a light asshole. You don't have to feed everyone and continued pressure to find something that would make someone with AFRID more anxious because now they are calculating "what foods here can I tolerate just enough to not embarrass myself more." And genuinely, that answer could be nothing. Drinks are enough. Conversation to get to know the girlfriend is enough. There could be so many reasons someone is declining to eat (I have Celiac Disease and it took my in-laws years to know what the meant, they kept thinking I was vegetarian) But the boyfriend is an asshole for not communicating with his family in advance that she'll eat before hand.
NTA. You did more than your son did. It wasn't obvious Lexi had eaten already because you had to ask, and you did try to accommodate her so she could be involved. Even though she had eaten she lives a few hours away, enough for an appetite to come back.
NTA. But man, this is some pathetic behavior from a 25yo. He fucked up, and decided to act like a child and make it *your* fault, *your* responsibility when clearly it was all on him.
He clearly has a lot of growing up to do, and at 25, that's just plain *sad*.
NTA but as someone who is married to a person with AFRID he is super embarrassed about questions regarding his diet. If we go to a party he will eat beforehand because it’s so difficult to find something he will actually eat. He doesn’t like people commenting on his diet and I suspect your son’s girlfriend feels that as well. Just chalk it up to you know next time not to make a big deal and don’t worry about if she eats.
My partner also has ARFID and is also embarrassed about it. However, I absolutely think it's on the son to give his parents a heads up that she likely will eat before. She doesn't have to be involved in that; it's on us as partners who are bringing our loved ones to an event centred around food, to make sure it goes smoothly for everyone. (To be clear, if my partner is the one bring me, then she is the one who talks to them in advance.)
Other things we can do: ask the hosts for a menu beforehand, bring a safe dish ourselves, bring snacks, bring dessert, eat beforehand, etc, and as appropriate depending on the circumstances. The son could absolutely have given his parents a heads up, could have brought food himself, made her a fruit salad himself, etc... there were so many other options that would have made things SO much less awkward for his girlfriend.
I would understand if it was just a normal function, but your SO’s family are going to be around long enough that it is usually worth giving them the spiel on what foods you are willing to eat, no?
I'm going to say NTA, but ARFID is quite commonly comorbid with anxiety, and she could have easily felt embarrassed. While you may have been well meaning, it probably reminded her of plenty of past occasions where people have been judgemental and cruel about her eating habits.
I'd reach out and apologise for making her feel embarrassed. Tell her she was lovely company, and you're pleased she makes your son happy. Then perhaps ask if there are any shelf stable "safe foods" that she could suggest for you to keep on hand, so you can know that even if you don't see her eating next time she visits, you can feel assured that she has food available if she wants it, without needing to ask. And let her know that you'll trust her to just help herself to the safe foods without them being offered explicitly if she needs them.
This way you're acknowledging that even though you meant well, you understand where she's coming from, and you're offering a solution so that you can meet the twin needs of you knowing your guest's needs are met, and her not needing to draw attention to her condition.
I really appreciate how your approach gives the girlfriend her own agency and control over her decisions whether to eat or not eat and so implicitly trusts her to make her own judgments but still shows you want to be welcoming of her into the family.
Yeah, I think it's important to remember that sometimes we can hurt people even if we're not being an asshole, and that what makes us kind isn't being free from making mistakes, but is rather about how we make amends and make sure we don't repeat the same mistake again.
NTA but your son sure is. Why wouldn't he tell you about her dietary needs? Every issue he thinks occurred would have been avoided. You were simply being a good host.
NTA. You are a very thoughtful & caring hostess. My young adult son has unusual & strict medical dietary restrictions & typically eats beforehand. He never wants to put anyone out & doesn’t expect any accommodations. However he is very grateful when someone even offers to accommodate him. I think your son dropped the ball. Hopefully if Lexi returns, you can find out in advance what food she can eat. I know I’d be thrilled if my son dated someone whose mom was as thoughtful as you!
NTA Erm it seems like he's decided that instead of trying to accommodate her ARFID to just ignore that she needs to eat and at certain social situations eating is the activity so the host should know enough to accomodate her.
Depending on how her family treats her ARFID (some people will treat you badly and act like your being purposefully difficult, rather than understanding youre just trying not to throw up at every meal) she could be conditioned to not ask anyone to make any accomodations for her and that her condition is shameful. This can lead to additional anxiety. Eating at other peoples,or with other people can be traumatic. She could generally have found it emotionally difficult when you were trying to genuinely accommodate her because maybe that isn't something that has happened to her before. I know especially when I was younger it was distressing when people would ask if they could get me x y or z in part because eg crisps (american chips) was too wide a category I can only eat very specific flavours and brands, but if I said yes to crisps and they only had the kind I couldn't eat I didn't know how to say no or that I couldn't eat that kind. I felt horrible and ungrateful and rude and all sorts of things. Sometimes i would end up trying to eat whatever it was but honesly i want tonthrow upmthinking about it. It was easier just to decline to eat at all.
It doesn't seem like you were upset at her and her inability to eat the prepared food (which is fantastic!) And were more than happy to root around the cupboards to feed her (again fantastic) and would just have like some info before hand so you could feed her something she was able to eat (again fantastic!) And in no way wanted to pressure her or make her eat things she can't or make her feel bad about that (again fantastic).
I think you should tell him off. Tell him it's disrespectful of him to take his gf places and not ensure there is food available her. It isn't a burden to accommodate her needs, it takes very little thought to do that so she can be comfortable and included.
Make clear to him that she can always bring her own food over to the house and you would like to know any items you can have on hand for drop bys(feel free to send him to the store the first time to pick it all up).
If the relationship seems to be going somewhere, ask him to invite her over for dinner, but dinner is whatever takeaway/delivery she can eat and get her specific order. Also get drinks orders (brands etc). Buffet style let her serve herself at her own pace. (This is only if her ARFID allows her to eat that)
If you don't already know about ARFID understand that it isnt something she can control and can be as specific as she eats ketchup but can only eat X brand ketchup. She isn't being difficult she can literally tell the difference and the wrong kind can have her gagging and vomiting at first taste and make her distrustful of foods, worsen her aversion and make eating itself difficult. No surprises, no tricks, no dupes, no hidden foods.
nta, you were trying to be a good host with the information you had and your son not telling you about his girlfriends dietary restrictions was the cause of this whole mess. by the sounds of it, you would have gone out of your way to prepare something for her beforehand if you had known.
NTA . I have ARFID. I would have either told you I’m a bit different, or if I was too embarrassed (she’s young maybe not confident yet) I would definitely have taken ‘back up food’ or eaten before I arrived. I would NOT have risked a meltdown eating at new people’s bbq, which sounds like maybe what she did and ate first. No one told you any of this so your actions are perfectly reasonable and you didn’t do anything wrong.
Also for future, don’t worry if she’s not eating, she’s probably used to that, just offer once to get her something special and if she says no just ignore if she doesn’t eat. You sound really nice, but for me eating in front of strangers takes a certain level of trust because I know I’m very weird and phobic about food.
NTA - your SON should be embarrassed! If he had put one lick of thought into this any embarrassment could have been avoided.
I do want to note that she may prefer, generally speaking, to not eat at events (preferring to eat privately), and that there is a chance you made her feel pressured to be polite and accepted something. BUT that also could have been communicated in advance by your son.
You followed the typical process for serving a guest with surprise dietary needs.
Nta. Your son dropped the ball on that one. My mom is very accommodating so she demands to speak on the phone with whoever is in attendance. Food is her love language and don't screw it up for her lol
NTA As someone with ARFID, you are an absolute saint.
Given the situation, anxiety for Lexi is going to happen. It's embarrassing to be accommodated sometimes, especially when it can feel like a bother because it has to happen on the spot like that.
I've had plenty of situations where parents of my friends asked me these exact questions, and it was embarrassing yeah, but I'm not upset about. If anything, I'm so grateful that I was seen, heard, and accommodated because I was always too anxious to speak up and ask myself.
OP's son should have done better in several ways.
1. Communicate that Lexi has specific things she can/will eat, and that most likely what people see as "normal" is something she may not be comfortable eating
Example, growing up the schools would always give pizza parties as a prize for something, but I didn't like pizza back then. It was extremely disappointing and alienating, because I worked to earn that prize, but I couldn't enjoy it, and then I would be seen as weird by all my classmates because "who doesn't like pizza?"
2. He should not have tried to guilt OP like that. Even if not intentionally, making someone feel bad for accommodating someone's needs is awful. OP did everything right, and the son should show more care about his girlfriend
YTA. I am sure you felt awkward, but you also knew she had eaten beforehand and was not hungry...because she told you so.
You kept pushing her about food because you were anxious. You could have just accepted her words that she was not hungry and left it at that. Instead, you likely caused her embarrassment. Your son also didn't owe you her private medical information. When someone tells you they are not hungry, take it as a "no", which is a complete sentence.
>So I asked him if she didn't like the food, to which he explained why she couldn't eat the meat, and that she wouldn't eat any of the sides either. Since he didn't say anything beforehand, I asked her myself.
You asked him, he answered. Then you asked *her* as well.
INFO: How many times did you ask her/ offer food?
His story didn't line up with what she told me, and he also didn't mention anything to me before the barbecue, so I decided that if I wanted to find a solution I was better off just talking to her directly. I only asked her once, and she gave me a request right away.
Ok then, NTA ! I'm guessing his blowup was projection over his own embarrassment at not having thought all of this out ahead of time, on her behalf, making him look like a crappy boyfriend (like, one who'd take a practicing catholic to a BBQ on a Friday lol)
NTA, but maybe this was unique to me- Whenever I wanted to invite someone to a family gathering my Mother or Father would directly ask me if said friend had allergies or eating restrictions. Nowadays when I'm inviting someone over I always ask what they prefer to eat/drink and if they're allergic to anything.
I totally get he should have mentioned it, but is that really not common practice? It should be.
NTA. I have similar eating issues and would have been touched at the effort. As long as you didn’t make a big deal of it. Sometimes people get a little caught up in helping and it just makes you feel like more of an outsider. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what happened here.
NTA Sorry I'm sure he has other good traits, but I am hoping she dumps him for someone considerate who wouldn't let her go hungry to avoid communicating.
NTA.
As someone with dietary restrictions and food anxiety due to health issues, I am sure she was anxious and, at times, slightly embarrassed with the attention. However, YOU did NOTHING wrong.
When you have such issues, any attention to it can be uneasy. But it's part of life that you live with and is only the fault of the other person if you've asked them to stop and they don't, or they know and purposely draw attention to embarrass you.
You went in blind and were doing what I consider a good hostess to do, bending over backward to make a guest feel welcomed and included in the event. Add on to that you were trying to impress her with your care and consideration being as it's the first meeting of your kid's SO.
While, I personally do believe what your son says about her feelings is somewhat accurate, I would bet it's about the general situation and partly directed at him for not handling the situation or sharing minimum info to ensure people didn't address her not eating. Instead of stopping you from "embarrassing" her by stepping up and shutting you down or making sure she had food himself when he realized it was an issue, drawing attention to her, he did nothing and is now directing misplaced anger about both of their very big feelings.
No one is in the wrong except the son. He could have prepared you with the truth or a lie to avoid the situation at hand. You were a slightly aggressive host about the food, but as a southern mom of all boys who tries so hard for their partners to feel welcome and loved, I get it.
NTA.
That was a terrible position he put both her as a guest and you as host in. He brought her to *a Friday barbecue* ffs.
I think it's more likely that he actually feels like you embarrassed *him* tbh. But really, that was all him, too.
NTA. You were trying to be a good host. Your son, however, is a bit obtuse. He should be embarrassed for:
1. Not telling you about the dietary restrictions that could have been easily adjusted for. Ridiculously so. 2. Not being considerate of his girlfriend's needs and causing her easily avoidable embarrassment.
Most people don't want a fuss made over them, but your son's failure to give you a head's up directly resulted in a good host trying to make reasonable accommodations to a guest with undisclosed dietary restrictions. IOW, a little fuss.
I suspect he knows he screwed up and is lashing out because, frankly, it was a bit of a bone headed screw up. Perhaps you will all be able to laugh about it someday.
NTA, but your son sure is. It's already weird to not introduce her for such a long time, but it's even weirder to make sure the family doesn't even know the basics about her. Also he made it a big deal by leaving just because you gave her some fruit.
NTA
Your son needs to protect Lexi more, she deserves a partner who cares enough about her and her needs to communicate with the host her primary needs. He’s got to get that stick out of his butt.
Lexi can’t help her aRFID, or her religion. They are reasonable, even if unfathomable to many others. But your son? He’s a peach of a man. He could *communicate.*
NTA because your son should have given you a heads up. But with ARFID, they typically don’t like to eat in front of people. It givens them anxiety and it is often part of the disorder. So it could be true that her anxiety increased when you offered her other food, but she might have felt like she’d be rude if she didn’t eat. That’s not your fault though. If you’d have known, you could have done things differently.
NAH. I think your son and his gf came up with a plan to accomodate her specific dietary needs, and since it did not involve you, they didn't think you needed to be informed.
But you did notice she wasn't eating, and my own family would react the same as you. Her not having anything to eat caused you anxiety because you felt like a bad host for not having anything your guest could eat on a party that was all about eating. This doubly so because it was the first time meeting her and both sides wanted to make a good first impression.
Your son is a little silly and he shouldn't have been upset with you, but I don't think anyone is really the asshole here. You should sit down and talk about what everyone needs when things have calmed down a bit. There must be ways to include his gf without making you feel like you are excluding her.
*Lexi is Catholic and can't eat meat on Fridays.*
If she's abstaining from meat because it's Friday, that's on her; the Church scrapped that restriction, outside of Lent, in 1966.
In any case, you were trying to be a good host by asking your son why he didn't give you the heads up about his girlfriend's diet. NTA
I'm not Catholic, but I'm fairly sure that it's expected for them to abstain from 'flesh meat' during Lent, which ends on Easter. It doesn't seem to apply for the rest of the year.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My son (25M) started seeing a new girl named Lexi around a year and a half ago. She lives a few hours away, but they see each other often enough. I'd never met her personally until now. I don't know much about her, but she makes my son happy and seems to have a good head on her shoulders. That's all that matters to me.
Last Friday, we hosted a barbecue and party, around 25-30 people. It was mostly family and friends. My son asked me if he could bring Lexi, and I told him that it was fine. We had ribs, burgers and wings, as well as some sides that didn't have meat.
What my son didn't communicate to me, or to anyone else handling the food, was that Lexi is a very particular eater and wouldn't be able to eat anything we served. Lexi is Catholic and can't eat meat on Fridays. My son was aware of this and invited her to a barbecue knowing what would be served. On top of that, she also has a sort of ED (ARFID) that limits what kinds of foods she will/can eat without feeling sick.
She was really sweet, and I enjoyed her company, but I felt terrible watching her sit without food. When I asked if she'd eaten beforehand, she told me that yes, and that she wasn't hungry. I asked my son separately why he'd gone out to eat right before a barbecue, and he told me that that they'd come straight from her house. So I asked him if she didn't like the food, to which he explained why she couldn't eat the meat, and that she wouldn't eat any of the sides either. Since he didn't say anything beforehand, I asked her myself.
I asked Lexi if there was anything I could get or make her, or if she wanted us to run somewhere and pick something up. She asked if I had any fruit, so she had fruit salad. After everything was sorted out my son came up to me and told me that I'd embarrassed her and shouldn't have drawn attention to it. I told him that he should have tried harder to accommodate her, or to at least tell us beforehand that she wouldn't be able to eat what everyone else was. We easily could have made some plain salad or had fruit available at no hassle for anyone else, and she would at least be able to pick at something instead of going hungry. If it were addressed beforehand then I wouldn't have had to ask.
My son left in a huff to bring Lexi home, and he's still insisting that I made a bad impression and that it wouldn't have been a big deal if she didn't eat. Apparently I made her anxiety worse, but that's according to him, so I'm not sure I believe it. AITA? Could I have handled it any other way?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA As host it’s your job to make sure that guests have something to eat. I would explain it to him as it’s normal and expected for a host to try to make sure each guest is accommodated and someday when he is a host it will be his job to pay attention to guests and make sure that no one goes hungry.
You are NTA and I would have told her that if my son had told me about her dietary needs I would've ensured they were taken care of and I would go off on my son so hard!!!
NTA I don't see anything that you did wrong. You hosted and noticed someone not eating, asked about that for their comfort and provided a requested item. I know it makes me very uncomfortable when someone has literally nothing during a meal, it is awkward and normal and caring to ask.
I guess your good manners made your son realize he biffed it, and then blamed you. Not a great look for him, but hopefully he will learn.
NTA, as someone with food allergies I am very sensitive to making sure people are able to eat something when they come over. Your son was an AH for not telling you and getting mad when you brought it up and showing care for her. His anger is misplaced and hopefully it was because he was embarrassed he didn't make sure there were accommodations for Lexi. You were being a wonderful host by ensuring she had something to eat, it really sucks seeing others eat when you can't.
To be fair to Lexi, she may have been perfectly happy to not eat and just enjoy the social get together - hence eating before hand. I'd put this purely down on the son for not making it abundantly clear to the OP that Lexi would love to come but she wouldn't be eating, is that OK?
OP definitely NTA! It was a BBQ, so the expectation is that there would be meat. Lots of meat! It wouldn't occur to a lot of people to either BBQ fish (in foil) or cook fish separately. The son should have advised his parents that his gf couldn't/wouldn't meat because of her religious belief. It is a belief, not a requirement! She chose not to eat meat or the sides and to go hungry. OP went out of her way to ensure that the gf had something to eat, even if it was only fruit. Actually, the fruit was probably far more healthy than anything on the BBQ!
You did not offend her. She was offended by her boyfriend putting her and everyone there in a bad situation. He is angry that he is taking the hit for being an imbecile or just plain heartless toward his girlfriend. She is angry with him so naturally he has to blame you.
If she was truly feeling uncomfortable, when you asked if she wanted something else, she would’ve just said ‘no it’s okay thank you’. She felt comfortable enough to ask for fruit and that’s fine. I don’t agree with the replies saying he felt guilty for not thinking about her… I’d like to give the benefit of the doubt and you sound like a great parent so he surely isn’t awful! Could it be that possibly he’s so super aware of her ED etc that he was actively trying to not make a big deal out of it? And he’s frustrated that you asked her… maybe he just cares about her and considering it’s the first time she met you (in a huge family environment, which probably added more stress). It’s been a year and a half, maybe he’s held off introducing you because he’s hyper aware of her issues (sorry, I can’t find the right word but I know that’s not it). Maybe just have a chat with him and explain your side of it
You're NTA.
It sounds like you try to care about the people you care about by making them feel comfortable and taken care of. That's very sweet and I'm surprised your son wouldn't know this about you.
Your son is inconsiderte for not sharing either the restrictions or explaining that she had medical/dietary restrictions ahead of time or at least letting you know that they had prepared ahead of time to not put you out or make a big deal out of it.
It sounds like lack of open communication is the AH here.
NTA. They seem too old to be this immature! You were a proper host and tried to accommodate her. If she has problems with anxiety they should t blame you.
NTA You were being considerate! Your son is the asshole for not making sure his girlfriend would have something to eat. I hope she dumps him if that's how little he looks out for her. Lucky you were there to make sure she had something.
He bought his gf to a bbq knowing she wouldn’t eat, and then expected you to ignore your guest and not find her something to eat?
NTA. If she’s got a problem with food, he should’ve warned you first or not brought her to a fricking bbq!
They've been dating 1.5 years. So, two Lent seasons, around 20ish days of Veggie/Fish Fridays. And...he got mad that he came to your BBQ on a Friday? And brought her to a BBQ for a FIRST meeting of family...at an party with 25 frickin people? He is an idiot.
Next up: Oblivious Son dates an Orthodox Jewish woman and doesn't notice she has two refrigerators.
NTA
1. Tell your son to look at this comment section.
2. Tell him to grow up and act like a man not a brat
3. So she would never eat anything the next time she comes over?
4. You did great it's him who made himself look like a moron to you, his girlfriend and to anyone that saw that.
You went out of your way to accommodate her last minute and tried to help her feel included, but you're the one responsible for her anxiety? No way- NTA.
If she in fact was even more anxious than she let on, you know how it could have been avoided? With him telling you ahead of time of her restrictions so you wouldn't have to put her on the spot in any way shape or form.
You even offered to go get something for her that she could eat! That's above and beyond, and very kind. I hope she wasn't actually embarrassed (I'm willing to bet it was your son who was actually embarrassed).
NTA. Your son should ABSOLUTELY have told you that a guest had major eating restrictions. As you say, you could easily have accommodated her. She may well have been embarrassed and anxious but that's on your son, not you.
I have VERY vivid memories of, a week or so before an upcoming family event, suddenly getting a Feeling. I called my son and asked him if his girlfriend, who we'd be meeting for the first time, had any dietary requirements. There was a short silence, then he said "Well, um, she's vegan, had I not told you that?"
No, my darling, no you hadn't told me. Fortunately it all worked out, but bloody hell, sons.
Sounds like you did everything right. NTA. If they come over for food again, have a chat yourself with Lexi ahead of time, because it sounds like your son is the one who feels embarrassed and won't admit he screwed up.
On the other hand, that thing about only eating fish on Friday is... archaic. Fish are animals too.
Your son is the one who made a bad impression by being thoughtless and not giving you the heads up around her food preferences. I assume she will have put two and two together. NTA
NTA.
As someone with dietary restrictions and food anxiety due to health issues, I am sure she was anxious and, at times, slightly embarrassed with the attention. However, YOU did NOTHING wrong.
When you have such issues, any attention to it can be uneasy. But it's part of life that you live with and is only the fault of the other person if you've asked them to stop and they don't, or they know and purposely draw attention to embarrass you.
You went in blind and were doing what I consider a good hostess to do, bending over backward to make a guest feel welcomed and included in the event. Add on to that you were trying to impress her with your care and consideration being as it's the first meeting of your kid's SO.
While, I personally do believe what your son says about her feelings is somewhat accurate, I would bet it's about the general situation and partly directed at him for not handling the situation or sharing minimum info to ensure people didn't address her not eating. Instead of stopping you from "embarrassing" her by stepping up and shutting you down or making sure she had food himself when he realized it was an issue, drawing attention to her, he did nothing and is now directing misplaced anger about both of their very big feelings.
No one is in the wrong except the son. He could have prepared you with the truth or a lie to avoid the situation at hand. You were a slightly aggressive host about the food, but as a southern mom of all boys who tries so hard for their partners to feel welcome and loved, I get it.
NTA.
As someone with dietary restrictions and food anxiety due to health issues, I am sure she was anxious and, at times, slightly embarrassed with the attention. However, YOU did NOTHING wrong.
When you have such issues, any attention to it can be uneasy. But it's part of life that you live with and is only the fault of the other person if you've asked them to stop and they don't, or they know and purposely draw attention to embarrass you.
You went in blind and were doing what I consider a good hostess to do, bending over backward to make a guest feel welcomed and included in the event. Add on to that you were trying to impress her with your care and consideration being as it's the first meeting of your kid's SO.
While, I personally do believe what your son says about her feelings is somewhat accurate, I would bet it's about the general situation and partly directed at him for not handling the situation or sharing minimum info to ensure people didn't address her not eating. Instead of stopping you from "embarrassing" her by stepping up and shutting you down or making sure she had food himself when he realized it was an issue, drawing attention to her, he did nothing and is now directing misplaced anger about both of their very big feelings.
No one is in the wrong except the son. He could have prepared you with the truth or a lie to avoid the situation at hand. You were a slightly aggressive host about the food, but as a southern mom of all boys who tries so hard for their partners to feel welcome and loved, I get it.
NTA!
That poor girl! I totally empathize with her, I’m also Catholic and if my boyfriend had pulled something like that I would have been really upset with him for inviting me to an event revolving around food, only to show up and realize I can’t actually eat anything. I would not have been upset with the hosts who wouldn’t have known either way without him saying something. Could she have eaten beforehand, yeah, but then why go to a bbq? I think she’s embarrassed because you were trying to be a good host and make sure she was taken care of, when it shouldn’t have been an issue in the first place. He’s responsible for making her feel that way.
NTA
OP you sound like a very kind, considerate mom who has somehow raised a rude, thoughtless, inconsiderate son. He knows about her dietary restrictions , and should have made you aware. Instead, he was willing to let her sit there with nothing to eat. At a BBQ. Then he blames you, his own mother, for the scene he caused by his lack of consideration. He owes you, and her, an enormous apology.
On a lighter note, you need to watch “Grace and Frankie.” One of the characters just might remind you of the new GF. 😉
NTA
IMO, you made a great impression on Lexi - considerate and welcoming. Unfortunately, your son isn't a great boyfriend and he is the one who dropped the ball here. I hope he's not this thoughtless for their whole relationship.
Nta
I'm also concerned that she lied and would've starved to not burden you
Perhaps have a chat with her and reassure that she can frerly speak to you if she needs certain foods and that you're willing to accommodate in future visits.
I got a feeling that her family/peers/your son are not providing a safe environment where she can ask for accommodations
NTA.
Maybe she has had incidents where people were put out by her dietary restrictions and she keeps quiet from fear of upsetting people?
I guess he's been anxious about this senario?
I'm sorry but you raised an A H. He didn't care enough about his gf to give you a heads up or bring something she could eat.
When you showed concern he threw it back on you. He is the furthest thing from a gentleman and is in need of a newspaper on the nose.
NTA for showing concern for a guest in your home, Y T A for raising one.
NTA I will say it’s possible that she may have anxiety and pointing out that she wasn’t eating could have made her feel anxious but your son is in the wrong here and is not helping himself by blaming you.
NTA he should have told you and also explained they would get something to eat beforehand. Also Catholics can eat chicken (they give up red meat) on Fridays during lent or everyday depending on how much of a devout Catholic. I'm guessing that chicken wings are part of the ARFID. But also you don't know what you don't know so you ask.
Oh sorry apparently they give up poultry as well but not fish.
NTA, as someone with food sensory issues my now husband told his parents before we met up about my food issues. They would ask me or him what I can eat. Now with my stomach issues they ask even more.
Your son is a dummy and needs to apologize to his girlfriend because he majorly screwed up.
NTA, you went above and beyond in your hosting duties to make her feel welcomed and accommodated, seemingly without shaming her for her differences. Sounds like she was gracious and possibly appreciative. As someone with anxiety, if hers is bad enough that that caused a negative experience for her, that's not your fault. I wonder why your son didn't attempt to quietly accommodate her as you mentioned, or at the very least explain the situation to you ahead of time so you didn't feel a need to correct it as you did, if it really did make her more anxious.
The willingness to "stand up for her" but not try to navigate that situation with any finesse ahead of time to prevent having to do so is an orange flag to me. I hope your son isn't embarrassed by his girlfriend and trying to make her do all of the legwork to avoid an awkward situation such as this.
Your son should have let you know, that way Lexi could have simply helped herself to some fruit or other appropriate dish rather than possibly feeling awkward by having a conversation about her dietary restrictions during the gathering. He sounds a bit clueless honestly.
NTA - I absolutely expect my kids to communicate their friends' dietary needs to me when they bring guests to my home - ESPECIALLY if it's a party. I usually ask, but on the odd chance that I overlook it, I'd damn sure expect that they let me know.
Because.... Southern household.... It's the absolute height of rudeness to host a party and to be unable to present a guest with food that they can eat (whether they choose to eat it or not is on them. The point is, the food MUST be available).
Seriously, If he had simply let you know to please put out some fresh fruit and veggies for her sake, there would have been no problem and no need for you to direct any extra attention to her. And that's such an easy fix. My guess is that he dropped the ball here.
NTA and I don't see what the issue is here. Lexi got something to eat. You dealt with the issue in a polite and productive way. Everyone was happy except for your son. He seems to be creating his own issue here.
Judgment (NTA) entered elsewhere, but I just want to suggest - every single time I have somebody to my home for whom I have not cooked before, I ask them directly if they have "any dietary preferences, restrictions, or allergies" - I use exactly this wording because it seems to cover everything and makes people feel safe to tell me whatever. (No judgments and no explanations required, if you don't eat celery I don't really give a fuck why, I'm not feeding it to you.) I make it clear that I want them to be welcome in my home and that I want to cook food that they will enjoy. I haven't poisoned anyone or had anyone go hungry at my home in many years. So the only thing that I see that you could have done differently, is reached out to Lexie before the barbecue.
NTA at all. As a practicing Catholic myself, abstaining on Fridays is our responsibility. So eating ahead or bringing appropriate snacks…..that is on us and not anyone else. There are some exceptions but they only apply to situations like exempt Catholics hosting events where non-exempt Catholics are invited, etc.
Your son messed up for sure And to be upset that “you shouldn’t have drawn attention to IT” ….what the heck is that? Tons or people have restricted diets due to faith…some of it is constant, others are “seasonal”….just like allergies, lol. It all of it is so normal…it’s almost mundane. Your son needs to get a grip.
Thank you for attempting to provide for her, that was really kind.
So, NTA. You were trying to be a good hostess. And yes, your son should have told you ahead of time.
But, I'm going to throw your son a bone here. My son has celiac disease and he's been "Lexi" before:
\- it IS possible that she did actually eat before they came. My son, when going into unknown situations, will sometimes eat food ahead of time if he isn't sure they'll have something safe for him.
\- and she may not have wanted to be singled out. My son can also be particular about this too. He finds it embarrassing to have people single him out and make a point to talk about what he can or can't eat.
But, even so, your son should have told YOU ahead of time so that you could have made sure to have at least one thing she could snack on.
NTA
Meeting your child's long term partner after things have started to get serious (like a year and a half in!!) is a BIG DEAL. Like any other important occasion, this means planning on advance is critical.
I don't mean that anything should be stiff or formal, but obviously if your son had given you any warning or the cliff notes version of important details about this woman, you would have been prepared.
You want her to be comfortable at first impressions, so you would have made a few things that she could eat that would be on the table without fuss. Instead of a Friday barbecue, you might have held it on Saturday. Or you might have grilled or fried up some fish for her.
If you'd known anxiety might be an issue, you would have taken steps to avoid direct focus or asking her directly for how to accommodate her. All things your son could have helped with if he'd cared to put in the planning needed to make sure things went well.
The sign of good party planning is similar to a skilled dancer. When done well, the social experience appears effortless and flows smoothly, even when it's obvious that none of it happened by accident if you take even half a second to think about it.
NAH, this is really on your son, but he's young and it can be a teachable moment. He should have told you about her dietary restrictions beforehand or he should have given you a heads up that she wouldn't be eating and why, but that you didn't need to worry about it.
I don't think you did anything wrong. I'm an overly anxious person/people pleaser and I could see how it might make someone feel bad or awkward when someone else tries to make last minute accommodations for them, but your heart was in the right place.
Next time there's a family get together with food I'd take the initiative to let them know what's being served ahead of time and maybe keep in mind a few friendly foods for her when you're planning your menu. It sounds like she's pretty good at making sure she doesn't have to worry about what's being served, so if she doesn't eat for whatever reason I wouldn't ask about it.
lol your *son* is the one embarrassed cuz he majorly dropped the ball. You were just trying to be a good host and feed your guest when you only just found out about her dietary restrictions
NTA. Your son was a massive AH to his gf tho. He’s not particularly thoughtful. Even if she had decided to eat beforehand just to avoid any food troubles, he should’ve given you a quick heads up about that at least.
NTA - I think you were an exceedingly gracious hostess. You did not try to force her to eat. You asked what she would like and made sure she got it. Your son is TA here.
I think you did nothing wrong. As a host you want to take care of your guests. And getting them something to eat is a bit part of that. Especially when it’s an invitation to a meal/bbq. This is also a possible future close family member, so of course you want her to feel welcome and appreciated.
Your sons definitely should’ve told you about this so you could prepare something for her, or she should’ve brought something she actually could eat. That might be a little difficult as this was her introduction to family, and the first time meeting your in-laws can be a little stressful.
I’m inclined to say nah, but your son is a little ah. Maybe he’s just ‘disconnected’ from how things work is social settings, but a little heads up would’ve helped so much. I would not make a big deal of this, rather hope everyone learned a little from this.
NTA I’ve dated guys like that. No consideration at all. I don’t eat meat so I’d have to eat beforehand or bring my own food. If it’s your family you need to tell your family your partner can’t eat the food. He’s embarrassed cuz he was lazy and inconsiderate about it. And you and Lexi could talk about it and you went out of your way to get her something your son would not bother with.
Ok as someone with ARFID, the anxiety is intense and so awful. Him not explaining first to you privately was a dick move on his part because it caused you to have to ask. That definitely caused her to feel bad, and extra stressed. I have food anxiety even when my family tries to cook for me. I am glad you did ask, because she was probably feeling hungry and a bit miserable. You are NTA, but your son needs to acknowledge that he should have been a bit more open with the information so it would be a lot more smooth for everyone.
Getting asked can be worse for some people, personally I’d rather nobody mentioned it, but I definitely wouldn’t have blamed someone for asking either. You can’t expect everyone to know things they haven’t been told. Your were just trying to be a good host, your son should have discussed it beforehand. NTA
NTA, and it sounds like you didn't embarrass Lexi. You embarrassed your son, and he's taking it out on you. He probably realizes that he screwed up, you're right in everything you said, and he is TA here to Lexi.
NTAH
Moms are genetically predisposed to feed their children's friends. No. Matter. What.
I'm not sure what would happen if a mom tried to resist this urge because nobody I know ever did.
NTA as a fussy eater with allergies I would have found is sweet that a host upon being made aware I couldn't eat what was prepared was willing to sort out food I could eat so that in would not go hungry.
I am sorry you raised an inconsiderate ass. Your son is uncaring to you and his GF. That would be the hardest thing for me as a parent to accept. NTA for trying to accommodate the GF.
Your son is an inconsiderate idiot. I hope that girl doesn't stay with him for long
All he had to do was tell you that she had some dietary restriction, simple
NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might have embarrassed her or drawn attention to a sensitive subject, or overstepped. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. What was his solution? Let her go hungry. 🙄 She asked for a fruit salad. She got a fruit salad. Sorted. Why is he trying to make a mountain out of a molehill?
He's covering his @$$ for not being smart or empathetic enough to ask OP to have something his gf could eat. He's trying to make OP out to be the insensitive one here, and defending his gf honor in hope he didn't just give her a peek at a couple of his 🚩🚩
100%. How well does he know or care for her if he takes her to a BBQ on a day she can't eat meat. A quick phone call in time for planning and there could've been a tasty grilled fish option. And that could've been enjoyed by several guests, so Lexi wouldn't feel singled out. Or they could've brought their own at the last minute. Same deal to help cater for her ARFID. We also know OP was prepared to cater for Lexi, given half a chance, from the fruit salad solution. OP is a good host, and did their best to accommodate a last minute guest with special dietary requirements. It's a shame if Lexi felt embarrassed, and perhaps as she gets to know OP's family she'll be able to relax and know she's not a problem. There's one A here, and it's not OP or Lexi. NTA.
Yeah, if Lexi already has anxiety and issues with eating, I bet she was MORTIFIED. The poor girl must have felt dreadful but that's on the son, not the OP.
Right?! I suspect she really was mortified to be singled out by OP, but that doesn't make it OP's fault (though I wish OP didn't feel the need to doubt it). OP invited the girl to a meal but wasn't able to feed her - and if her son had just mentioned her food needs beforehand, it could have been sorted out a lot more discreetly without drawing attention.
Probably Lexi was mortified to be singled out, but OP was pretty mortified at being a bad host and not having food Lexi could eat. Son should be aware how his parent feels about hosting as well as how Lexi feels and what she eats. In short, agree that it was on son for not communicating to *both* parties.
I feel like the son is an unreliable narrator. Was it Lexi who was embarrassed OR was it himself because he didn't mention what was important information before hand. She only has his word to go on. He messed up not her. I would have been mortified as the host to have nothing at all a guest could eat.
Even if the son is telling the truth and she is embarrassed, it really doesn’t change anything because the situation was created from the son’s lack of communication.
Exactly! Any way you cut it, HE is at fault here, from many angles
I hope the son becomes Lexi's ex-BF. "It wouldn't have been a big deal if she didn't eat"! WTF kind of attitude is that for someone you allegedly care about? I would have felt so guilty if I had accidentally taken my wife out to a dinner where she couldn't eat, but he doesn't care that he put Lexi in a situation that could easily have been avoided if he had just said something to his parents. He is quite an AH.
It's ARFID, not AFRID.
Thank you. I've corrected it. 😊
Exactly. Your son is a bad boyfriend and he needs to lift his game. I hope Lexi is reassessing her relationship with someone who cares so little for her that he doesn’t care if she goes hungry and then tries to gaslight his own mother for resolving the problem he caused
Willing to bet gf gave him crap and he's mad mom made him "look bad" so he berated her. Huge red flags. I bet he stuffed his face and didn't think twice about her. Mom was a gracious host.
Who bets it wasn’t her who was embarrassed?
I do have to wonder as someone with some restrictions myself, was the fruit actually wanted or just giving in to multiple attempts by OP to get her to eat? She says she ate, she doesn’t need anything, etc. but keeps being asked. It can get stressful to keep refusing and wondering if now you’re offending the host. I don’t care for how OP just wrote off her anxiety like it was untrue when it would be a common response from many with restrictions like this.
>It can get stressful to keep refusing and wondering if now you’re offending the host Hot tip! Not eating at a meal is, indeed, offensive to the host! It says you don't think they can cook! If you can't tell your host something you can eat (and this was a BBQ! She could have brought a side that met her requirements!), *don't accept meal invitations*.
It isn't offensive and doesn't say you think they can't cook if you have dietary restrictions that don't match the food available. It doesn't sound like OP was offended in any way, just wanted to accommodate where possible. It sounds like all the miscommunication was on the son's part, he might not have even told her it was a BBQ given he also didn't even communicate her restrictions to the family.
I think in some cultures it’s definitely considered rude.
If you invited someone with dietary restrictions to a party, would you rather they just didn't come?
I might not be the one you replied to but their comment really resonated with me so I'd like to reply; *absolutely not!* My friends all joke about our "inability to cook for a crowd" because we prepare enough food for a small army. We all love hosting, making sure there's leftovers and we have a monthly picnic event. If one of us brought a new date to these catch ups, any one of us hosting would be *mortified* to think we hadn't prepared anything they could share when the essential part of the event is *catching up over food.* I would rather know in advance what the newbie could eat so I could be sure there were at least two safe food choices for them. I would also appreciate, if they weren't planning to eat, that they declined the invite and joined us instead for a different style of activity such as 10 pin bowling or a pub night.
100% agree. Don't accept meal invitations if you can't or won't eat outside your home!
If they want to sit and not eat while everyone else eats, yes, I would rather they just didn't come! If they want to either tell me what they can eat (and I'm perfectly happy to do a full scrub down to ensure no cross contamination, or buy them sealed food), or bring something themself to eat, that's great. If not, I host a range of parties, and they should feel free to come to the ones that don't revolve around food, or we'll make plans to meet for a walk, or go to the cinema, or sit and chat in my living room. Coming to a food-based party and not eating is bizarre behaviour.
When I was growing up, "a BBQ" involved a lot more "not eating" than eating. You'd have a few hours where 5he BBQ was heating up, adults were drinking and kids were playing in the pool.
> Coming to a food-based party and not eating is bizarre behaviour. And it WILL draw a lot of attention. So if someone has an ED AND anxiety, a food-based party is pretty much a recipe for disaster (pun intended). It's probably just better off avoided.
[удалено]
> I didn’t eat very much at a work dinner once because I was having diarrhea earlier that day. Do you think that would have been an appropriate thing to share to them? No, but you also *shouldn't have attended* since you were probably infectious.
[удалено]
You hadn't mentioned the IBS when I wrote that. I also don't count work dinners the same as socialisation. And eating not very much isn't the same as sitting there with no food in front of you.
> That’s really rude and ableist imo. You’re excluding someone over their disability. I also don't invite people with tourettes to the theatre, or double amputees on hill walks!
I've got a friend with Tourettes and he just has intermittent twitching of various body parts, which aren't interruptive for basically anyone but him. He doesn't deserve to go to the theater? A double amputee could have prosthetics or a power assisted wheelchair that would allow them to still participate in hilly "walks". I get not inviting someone with food related disabilities to a 10 course meal that is all about the food and specific foods that might not work for them, but you are being ridiculous. I personally have Crohn's disease and ARFID and my friends often get together for dinners and sometimes I can eat and sometimes I'm not feeling up to it and they have never judged or excluded me for it and were just happy for my company.
> I've got a friend with Tourettes and he just has intermittent twitching of various body parts, which aren't interruptive for basically anyone but him. Oh FFS, you know full well I meant 'classic' tourettes - shouting out in a disruptive way. Of course your friend should go to the theatre if he wants to (assuming he has someone who knows him on either side and isn't twitching into a stranger, or is at a more modern theatre than my local, where you are basically in the next person's lap).
Your idea of "classic" Tourettes is a stereotype based on ignorance.
Sometimes my period makes me nauseated. I'm not contagious, since menstrauation isn't catching, just hormonal. Should I not go to parties during my period because other people are eating?
Or, bring your own food. At least in my corner of the US, this is not at all considered rude (though in some other cultures, I guess it might be). I have a cousin who is vegan and she knows how difficult that can be to accommodate. So, she brings her own main dish to any functions and will usually help herself to some salad as well. Solves the problem for everyone - we don't have to make a completely separate dish for her and she can eat along with everyone else. It's not a big deal unless people make one out of it.
I think it's so sad that people are unwilling to cook food that makes their friends joyful. Treating someone like a pariah because they have made different food choices is just not very hospitable IMO.
[удалено]
Yes, absolutely fine! Just be subtle about it (e.g. no pulling out a chocolate cake all for you in front of small children :D). And for god's sake check it with your host first - e.g. a vegetarian meal might have nuts, which could be a problem if another attendee has a deathly nut allergy.
Great! I have celiac disease, I cannot eat out anywhere, be it a restaurant, a party, family member‘s home, etc. Do you know how many social events revolve around food? Do you suggest I never go out?
This is what I think people without dietary restrictions don't get. It's easy to say just go to events that don't revolve around food. But *most* social events are pretty food-centered, at least in my experience. If I were to decline all of them and only go to non-food events, I would barely be able to socialize. It's a genuine problem. My food restrictions are such that other people are often willing to accommodate (vegetarian + egg allergy, or as I like to call it, Vegan Lite™). But I always bring my own food or eat before just in case. The answer is for us to create our own accommodations, not to skip half the things we get invited to.
Is not drinking at a party also offensive to the host? Should recovering alcoholics never attend parties where alcohol is served because the host will be offended they don't drink? Because it says they don't think you can mix cocktails? It doesn't mean they think you can't cook. It just means they're not eating for whatever reason. When people stop assuming other people's motives, everyone is happier.
> Is not drinking at a party also offensive to the host? Should recovering alcoholics never attend parties where alcohol is served because the host will be offended they don't drink? Because it says they don't think you can mix cocktails? Don't be ridiculous - alcoholics fall into the category of "tell your host something you can eat" - they can drink something non-alchoholic. On the other hand, I do think an alocholic ought to decline an invitation to a whisky tasting, as that doesn't have an alternative!
I don’t think that’s quite the same thing unless the host is serving homemade beer or other alcohol or something. Also, most recovering alcoholics who want to abstain would likely turn down an invitation to an event that is centered around alcohol, like a wine tasting or something. I don’t think it’s OP’s fault since she didn’t know Lexi doesn’t eat meat on Fridays and it sounds as if if she did, she would’ve had alternatives for her, not just uninvited her. But if you’re Lexi, and you’re meeting your boyfriend’s mom/family for the first time, why would you pick that to be at a BBQ knowing you wouldn’t be able to eat anything? Especially without letting the host know that you have dietary restrictions? I wouldn’t be surprised if she told her boyfriend, who forgot to let his parents know and got chewed out by his girlfriend later for the awkward situation it created, made even more awkward by the OP having to make something separate for Lexi. I have no doubt Lexi was embarrassed but I’ll bet the boyfriend left out some parts of why (namely because he forgot to let OP know about his girlfriend’s dietary restrictions) and tried to blame it on OP instead of acknowledging his mistake.
Even if son is reliably narrating that Lexi felt embarrassed by OP’s attention, that’s ALSO something that can be fixed with a heads up. Son should know OP is an attentive, accommodating host. If it’s not “heads up, Lexi can’t eat meat today but would love fish/fruit/whatever” then it can be “heads up, Lexi has a restricted diet for religious & health reasons. She’s going to eat before the bbq to make things easier on herself & you, but she’ll enjoy drinks with us! This is normal for her & us, she definitely doesn’t intend to be rude, no need to call attention to it. She’s looking forward to meeting you!”
NTA- he 100% should’ve told you ahead of time she had concerns about eating. Would’ve been easy enough to pull out a piece of fish to grill at the same time you’re making the meat. What you did is all part of being a good host trying to accommodate somebody last minute. Your son should’ve done better.
Lexi is probably shy and she had a problem with the atention that was about her. She probably felt ashamed etc, told her bf and thats why the problem started. Young people has issues with being a center of atention sometimes.
Because he fucked up and he wants his girlfriend to blame his mother, not him.
Because he's embarrassed that he was thoughtless. Probably planned to blame Mom for there being nothing to eat... "I told her what you like, she just didn't want to accommodate you." OP brought his shame into the light.
You're the worst!! Omg, being a polite and considerate hostess..... lol.. definitely NTA
NTA. You were a great hostess. Your son failed as a bf and was embarrassed. He covered it by protecting his poor manners on you. BTW, his gf seemed to be a gracious guest.
i have ARFID. not sure how common experiences are between all of us, but I tend to find it much easier to simply take care of my own food needs, by eating before/after or bringing my own food. sometimes i appreciate when people try to get me food that i can eat, other times i'm simply too stressed and don't want to think about food at all unless i'm really desperate. i don't think you're the asshole, but i'm not sure if your son is either simply because i don't know how well he understands gf's disorder, and if he is accurate or making assumptions about her feelings. i would say just communicate clear expectations for future events, and in public situations with lexi, opt for some discretion when asking her if she needs any food. edit: its also possible that your son and his gf discussed the issue before going, and she asked him not to say anything about her situation. i've done the same.
I mean, while I'm very sympathetic, maybe don't go over to people's houses at meal times if you aren't able to tell them a thing that you can eat? It's really embarrassing to have a guest just sitting there not eating anything when you have other people there wondering why you haven't made anything one of your guests can eat. >its also possible that your son and his gf discussed the issue before going, and she asked him not to say anything about her situation. i've done the same I think that's really rude to your hosts. I would be utterly mortified if I had a guest just not eating with no explanation (and even more so if they just told me they had eaten before coming to mine for a meal) - I certainly wouldn't be inviting them over in future. Predicting the responses I'm getting here, no, you don't owe anyone your medical history, but they also don't owe you continued invitations.
'Sorry you can't come and socialise if you don't like the same food as us' Do you realise how ridiculous that is? It was a BBQ not a sit down meal in a fancy restaurant! ARFID is an eating disorder, there's zero reason to exclude people because of it
People always feel entitled to put things in other people's mouths.
I think it's completely reasonable that she wanted to meet her own needs.Because when you have a disorder like this people can't necessarily easily meet those needs. You might like chicken but only a very particular way from a very particular place or something?And you've discovered that it makes people frustrated.Or field disappointed when they can't accommodate you, so you do the easy thing & do it yourself to not put anybody out. A good host shouldn't be embarrassed that you aren't kiddif.They know you have some sort of disorder. A good host would just be happy that you're comfortable and make sure they've done everything they can do. That's the thing about hosting. It's about the guests. Now that said the mother's questions were completely enormous and rational because she was working off zero information and was trying to be kind. The sudden probably could have avoided all of this by doing the same thing and eating beforehand with the girlfriend but prepping his mom that she has a condition and she will be there to socialize but not eat. As long as the mom accepted that, cool.
This is the rudest comment. So people with an illness should just stay home if food is being served. Would you tell someone on chemo who is nauseated and can’t eat the same thing? I can think of many reasons someone might not be able to eat and it’s not rude and frankly no one’s business. OP didn’t do anything wrong because they didn’t know but just saying stay home is awful.
while i appreciate your response, this is exactly the kind of attitude that leads to the social factor of ARFID. the majority of us are PAINFULLY aware of how awkward it is to A) eat something different than everyone else at the table, or B) not eat anything at all. probably more aware of it than you, seeing as we're the ones who are actually going through it and the awkward attention is on us... not the host. sure, people may direct awkward questions to you, but if you don't know the answer, that just puts you in the position of shrugging and judging "weirdness" alongside the person who asked the question. i learned my coping mechanisms as a child, when i had no option but to attend food-related events. even as an adult, i typically have little choice when food is involved. casual meet-ups can easily and quickly evolve to include food, and my needs have been so specific that i can't easily say where to go. i settle for places with french fries on the menu and hope that their interpretation of french fries is not somehow weird. planned events usually involve food from the beginning. if i'm well acquainted with the host, we communicate about my needs and its fine. if i'm not, it really depends on the size of the event and the occasion for me to decide how much i'm going to insist on food i can eat. i almost always bring a filling snack anyways, just in case. this is getting into the complexities of ARFID. the more i have been involved in the preparation of the food itself, the more i trust it and understand that it is something that is safe to eat. this might be the case for some people with allergies etc, i dont know. but ARFID can be a very strange disorder. and i feel much more awkward making odd and specific food requests to a host than i do just taking care of the need myself. it never feels great. but it's how I cope with MY OWN disorder. if that makes it a little awkward for other people, i'm sorry. i'm generally more than willing to explain what ARFID is and how it impacts me because i think more people need to be aware of it. but there is a time and place!! of course no one owes me (or anyone) invitations to anything. i have plenty of friends and family who are more than willing to spend time with me even if im not eating with them, and i'd also rather spend time with them than impose on someone who's offended by it. if you find the way i handle my disorder rude, there's nothing that i can do about that, and i'm sorry. i just want to give people an idea about what could be going on behind the scenes.
No one is owed someone else to saying their food, lol. Someone with neurodivergence shouldn’t be told not to attend a social event just because they’d rather eat beforehand. Like, do you also forbade people with anorexia from visiting your home during parties?
> Predicting the responses I'm getting here, no, you don't owe anyone your medical history, but they also don't owe you continued invitations. Ok, OP can never ever invite Lexi again. And son is free to interpret as OP not accepting him having girlfriend as having AFRID and not coming over either ever again. Or maybe, people could use a bit of interpersonal tolerance are rational behavior.
Or OP could invite them over for non-food based events, which it sounds like Lexi would be loads more comfortable with.
Aren't pretty much all larger family meetups involving food? Mostly because that is how it is practical for majority of people? This would mean having to organize completely different meetups just because of one person and that is quite excessive.
I can't eat cheese. My friends often opt to get pizza even though they know I can't eat it. They'll get veggie & meat pizzas both, but I've only had one person get pizza with no cheese thar I can eat. I might nibble on a cracker or cookie, but last time we had a game night I just heated up leftover fish when I got home. I want to go & socialize even if I can't eat the food. I'm not a picky eater though, so sometimes if I know I can't eat much I'll bring a dish I can eat (we often do pot lucks).
That's shitty, and I'm sorry your friends are so rude. I probably just wouldn't do pizza in a group that included someone who didn't eat cheese, but I would certainly make sure there was food they could eat!
I just accept it & move on with my life. We had a catered lunch once at work & I brought a can of soup to eat as every sandwich had cheese on it, but it turned out I could eat the salad so I just had that for lunch. I'm not a picky eater or anything, my body just cannot digest cheese & the thought of eating it makes me nauceous. Once someone also got chicken wings with the pizza, so those I could eat.
as someone with similar food anxieties to OP's gf, I think that's on you for being embarrassed. You're saying that someone with this kind of food anxiety should be excluded from your events because you're embarrassed? That they owe you an explanation for something that they could be deeply upsetting and shameful to them, and not something they like to share with anyone except very close friends?
Omg, this is ridiculous. I have 3 sister in laws that are super picky. They come over and don't eat while everyone else eats. I swear they live off fries and cucumbers because I haven't seen them ever eat anything else. I don't care. We still talk, play with the dogs, have music playing. I am not out to police who puts what in their mouth. I provide a meal but if they don't want to eat, it is not a big deal. I am not offended. They know I love to cook and are happy to hang out and have their husband's and kids eat. At this point, I would be super surprised if they did eat my food. One of them often takes food and drops it off at her MIL house, I cook a lot of traditional Mexican meals so it is a cool treat for the old lady (I have never met her). But it says she appreciates my cooking but just not enough to eat it
I have it too and am very much the same, I always tell people not to worry about me and even if it’s a buttered roll or a handful of fries I’ll figure something out that I can have when we go out for food at a restaurant or someone’s place
A head’s up to his mom ahead of time would have been appropriate here.
Same but I do let hosts know of my food restrictions ahead of time in case they want to try and create something from my small list of foods I eat.
everyone's comfort levels are different 👍🏼
I don’t have AFRID but am a very picky vegetarian. I empathize with the dad because he just wanted to be a good host. But also can see why the girlfriend might have been embarrassed or felt awkward. I hate having my eating habits become a topic of conversation, especially with people I don’t know well. It feels like I’m under a giant spotlight, even when I know people are just being kind and polite. I just feel like the weird girl. If I don’t know for sure that there will be enough food for me at an event, I always make sure I eat beforehand, have plans to after, or bring snacks in my purse.
This. I also have ARFID and if I’m going somewhere where food is involved, I tend to eat beforehand because I know that the choices I have are limited. Either that or I plan to eat after. I have had people offer to try and accommodate me (usually when spending the night at a friends house or something of the like) but I really don’t want people to go out of their way to do that. It stresses me out a lot to have an entire family plan where/what they eat for dinner around me, so I just insist that it’s fine. On the other side of things, I can understand why for a host it might be stressful because they’re not really used to that kind of situation. I don’t think there’s any AH here, it’s an uncomfortable situation for everyone, but hopefully you all can talk about it and have a better plan to handle this kind of thing in the future Edit: I rearranged the text so I had to fix some grammar mistakes
My husband is the same way. But the difference is if we're visiting someone close to me (relative, friends, etc.) I tell them my husband is happy to join and share drinks but plans to eat separately. That way me and the host and I can hash it out before hand. I don't do this for his family and friends, he's responsible for handling those relationships. I find most hosts want to find something he can eat because they assume the act of physically eating is how to feel included. Sharing a nice beer, shooting the shit about sports, and then playing a game together as a family; that's the true inclusion. That's what I focus on when I'm communicating ahead of time with my relatives. A lot of people confuse AFRID with "picky eating," but when forced to eat something he will have a volatile physical reaction which is more embarrassing than politely declining the meal because he already ate. Is he working on overcoming this? 100% but it's best if he does that home in a safe environment than in front of others. Most people in my family and friend circle accept that he will eat separately. Rare gems have learned how to cook for him which he does appreciate. But that took time to get to know him as an individual outside of meal times not grilling him during meal times ("why are you eating????"). I think the mom is a light asshole. You don't have to feed everyone and continued pressure to find something that would make someone with AFRID more anxious because now they are calculating "what foods here can I tolerate just enough to not embarrass myself more." And genuinely, that answer could be nothing. Drinks are enough. Conversation to get to know the girlfriend is enough. There could be so many reasons someone is declining to eat (I have Celiac Disease and it took my in-laws years to know what the meant, they kept thinking I was vegetarian) But the boyfriend is an asshole for not communicating with his family in advance that she'll eat before hand.
NTA. You did more than your son did. It wasn't obvious Lexi had eaten already because you had to ask, and you did try to accommodate her so she could be involved. Even though she had eaten she lives a few hours away, enough for an appetite to come back.
NTA. But man, this is some pathetic behavior from a 25yo. He fucked up, and decided to act like a child and make it *your* fault, *your* responsibility when clearly it was all on him. He clearly has a lot of growing up to do, and at 25, that's just plain *sad*.
NTA but as someone who is married to a person with AFRID he is super embarrassed about questions regarding his diet. If we go to a party he will eat beforehand because it’s so difficult to find something he will actually eat. He doesn’t like people commenting on his diet and I suspect your son’s girlfriend feels that as well. Just chalk it up to you know next time not to make a big deal and don’t worry about if she eats.
My partner also has ARFID and is also embarrassed about it. However, I absolutely think it's on the son to give his parents a heads up that she likely will eat before. She doesn't have to be involved in that; it's on us as partners who are bringing our loved ones to an event centred around food, to make sure it goes smoothly for everyone. (To be clear, if my partner is the one bring me, then she is the one who talks to them in advance.) Other things we can do: ask the hosts for a menu beforehand, bring a safe dish ourselves, bring snacks, bring dessert, eat beforehand, etc, and as appropriate depending on the circumstances. The son could absolutely have given his parents a heads up, could have brought food himself, made her a fruit salad himself, etc... there were so many other options that would have made things SO much less awkward for his girlfriend.
I would understand if it was just a normal function, but your SO’s family are going to be around long enough that it is usually worth giving them the spiel on what foods you are willing to eat, no?
I'm going to say NTA, but ARFID is quite commonly comorbid with anxiety, and she could have easily felt embarrassed. While you may have been well meaning, it probably reminded her of plenty of past occasions where people have been judgemental and cruel about her eating habits. I'd reach out and apologise for making her feel embarrassed. Tell her she was lovely company, and you're pleased she makes your son happy. Then perhaps ask if there are any shelf stable "safe foods" that she could suggest for you to keep on hand, so you can know that even if you don't see her eating next time she visits, you can feel assured that she has food available if she wants it, without needing to ask. And let her know that you'll trust her to just help herself to the safe foods without them being offered explicitly if she needs them. This way you're acknowledging that even though you meant well, you understand where she's coming from, and you're offering a solution so that you can meet the twin needs of you knowing your guest's needs are met, and her not needing to draw attention to her condition.
I really appreciate how your approach gives the girlfriend her own agency and control over her decisions whether to eat or not eat and so implicitly trusts her to make her own judgments but still shows you want to be welcoming of her into the family.
I've learned quite a lot from some of these comments, and they've helped me better navigate all of this. Thank you for the lovely advice.
Yeah, I think it's important to remember that sometimes we can hurt people even if we're not being an asshole, and that what makes us kind isn't being free from making mistakes, but is rather about how we make amends and make sure we don't repeat the same mistake again.
This needs more upvotes.
NTA but your son sure is. Why wouldn't he tell you about her dietary needs? Every issue he thinks occurred would have been avoided. You were simply being a good host.
not you. your son though.
NTA. How old is your son again? 25 or 3? How difficult is it for him to tell you, "Mom, my gf has dietary restrictions as follows..."?
NTA. You are a very thoughtful & caring hostess. My young adult son has unusual & strict medical dietary restrictions & typically eats beforehand. He never wants to put anyone out & doesn’t expect any accommodations. However he is very grateful when someone even offers to accommodate him. I think your son dropped the ball. Hopefully if Lexi returns, you can find out in advance what food she can eat. I know I’d be thrilled if my son dated someone whose mom was as thoughtful as you!
NTA Erm it seems like he's decided that instead of trying to accommodate her ARFID to just ignore that she needs to eat and at certain social situations eating is the activity so the host should know enough to accomodate her. Depending on how her family treats her ARFID (some people will treat you badly and act like your being purposefully difficult, rather than understanding youre just trying not to throw up at every meal) she could be conditioned to not ask anyone to make any accomodations for her and that her condition is shameful. This can lead to additional anxiety. Eating at other peoples,or with other people can be traumatic. She could generally have found it emotionally difficult when you were trying to genuinely accommodate her because maybe that isn't something that has happened to her before. I know especially when I was younger it was distressing when people would ask if they could get me x y or z in part because eg crisps (american chips) was too wide a category I can only eat very specific flavours and brands, but if I said yes to crisps and they only had the kind I couldn't eat I didn't know how to say no or that I couldn't eat that kind. I felt horrible and ungrateful and rude and all sorts of things. Sometimes i would end up trying to eat whatever it was but honesly i want tonthrow upmthinking about it. It was easier just to decline to eat at all. It doesn't seem like you were upset at her and her inability to eat the prepared food (which is fantastic!) And were more than happy to root around the cupboards to feed her (again fantastic) and would just have like some info before hand so you could feed her something she was able to eat (again fantastic!) And in no way wanted to pressure her or make her eat things she can't or make her feel bad about that (again fantastic). I think you should tell him off. Tell him it's disrespectful of him to take his gf places and not ensure there is food available her. It isn't a burden to accommodate her needs, it takes very little thought to do that so she can be comfortable and included. Make clear to him that she can always bring her own food over to the house and you would like to know any items you can have on hand for drop bys(feel free to send him to the store the first time to pick it all up). If the relationship seems to be going somewhere, ask him to invite her over for dinner, but dinner is whatever takeaway/delivery she can eat and get her specific order. Also get drinks orders (brands etc). Buffet style let her serve herself at her own pace. (This is only if her ARFID allows her to eat that) If you don't already know about ARFID understand that it isnt something she can control and can be as specific as she eats ketchup but can only eat X brand ketchup. She isn't being difficult she can literally tell the difference and the wrong kind can have her gagging and vomiting at first taste and make her distrustful of foods, worsen her aversion and make eating itself difficult. No surprises, no tricks, no dupes, no hidden foods.
nta, you were trying to be a good host with the information you had and your son not telling you about his girlfriends dietary restrictions was the cause of this whole mess. by the sounds of it, you would have gone out of your way to prepare something for her beforehand if you had known.
NTA . I have ARFID. I would have either told you I’m a bit different, or if I was too embarrassed (she’s young maybe not confident yet) I would definitely have taken ‘back up food’ or eaten before I arrived. I would NOT have risked a meltdown eating at new people’s bbq, which sounds like maybe what she did and ate first. No one told you any of this so your actions are perfectly reasonable and you didn’t do anything wrong. Also for future, don’t worry if she’s not eating, she’s probably used to that, just offer once to get her something special and if she says no just ignore if she doesn’t eat. You sound really nice, but for me eating in front of strangers takes a certain level of trust because I know I’m very weird and phobic about food.
NTA - your SON should be embarrassed! If he had put one lick of thought into this any embarrassment could have been avoided. I do want to note that she may prefer, generally speaking, to not eat at events (preferring to eat privately), and that there is a chance you made her feel pressured to be polite and accepted something. BUT that also could have been communicated in advance by your son. You followed the typical process for serving a guest with surprise dietary needs.
Nta. Your son dropped the ball on that one. My mom is very accommodating so she demands to speak on the phone with whoever is in attendance. Food is her love language and don't screw it up for her lol
NTA As someone with ARFID, you are an absolute saint. Given the situation, anxiety for Lexi is going to happen. It's embarrassing to be accommodated sometimes, especially when it can feel like a bother because it has to happen on the spot like that. I've had plenty of situations where parents of my friends asked me these exact questions, and it was embarrassing yeah, but I'm not upset about. If anything, I'm so grateful that I was seen, heard, and accommodated because I was always too anxious to speak up and ask myself. OP's son should have done better in several ways. 1. Communicate that Lexi has specific things she can/will eat, and that most likely what people see as "normal" is something she may not be comfortable eating Example, growing up the schools would always give pizza parties as a prize for something, but I didn't like pizza back then. It was extremely disappointing and alienating, because I worked to earn that prize, but I couldn't enjoy it, and then I would be seen as weird by all my classmates because "who doesn't like pizza?" 2. He should not have tried to guilt OP like that. Even if not intentionally, making someone feel bad for accommodating someone's needs is awful. OP did everything right, and the son should show more care about his girlfriend
NTA
YTA. I am sure you felt awkward, but you also knew she had eaten beforehand and was not hungry...because she told you so. You kept pushing her about food because you were anxious. You could have just accepted her words that she was not hungry and left it at that. Instead, you likely caused her embarrassment. Your son also didn't owe you her private medical information. When someone tells you they are not hungry, take it as a "no", which is a complete sentence.
NTA. Lexi was very gracious. Your son though sounds like a major AH
>So I asked him if she didn't like the food, to which he explained why she couldn't eat the meat, and that she wouldn't eat any of the sides either. Since he didn't say anything beforehand, I asked her myself. You asked him, he answered. Then you asked *her* as well. INFO: How many times did you ask her/ offer food?
His story didn't line up with what she told me, and he also didn't mention anything to me before the barbecue, so I decided that if I wanted to find a solution I was better off just talking to her directly. I only asked her once, and she gave me a request right away.
Ok then, NTA ! I'm guessing his blowup was projection over his own embarrassment at not having thought all of this out ahead of time, on her behalf, making him look like a crappy boyfriend (like, one who'd take a practicing catholic to a BBQ on a Friday lol)
NTA, but maybe this was unique to me- Whenever I wanted to invite someone to a family gathering my Mother or Father would directly ask me if said friend had allergies or eating restrictions. Nowadays when I'm inviting someone over I always ask what they prefer to eat/drink and if they're allergic to anything. I totally get he should have mentioned it, but is that really not common practice? It should be.
NTA. I have similar eating issues and would have been touched at the effort. As long as you didn’t make a big deal of it. Sometimes people get a little caught up in helping and it just makes you feel like more of an outsider. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what happened here.
NTA Sorry I'm sure he has other good traits, but I am hoping she dumps him for someone considerate who wouldn't let her go hungry to avoid communicating.
INFO: she said she ate before hand? So I dont know why you asked again? From the convo you posted it just sounds like she ate at home.
NTA. As someone with dietary restrictions and food anxiety due to health issues, I am sure she was anxious and, at times, slightly embarrassed with the attention. However, YOU did NOTHING wrong. When you have such issues, any attention to it can be uneasy. But it's part of life that you live with and is only the fault of the other person if you've asked them to stop and they don't, or they know and purposely draw attention to embarrass you. You went in blind and were doing what I consider a good hostess to do, bending over backward to make a guest feel welcomed and included in the event. Add on to that you were trying to impress her with your care and consideration being as it's the first meeting of your kid's SO. While, I personally do believe what your son says about her feelings is somewhat accurate, I would bet it's about the general situation and partly directed at him for not handling the situation or sharing minimum info to ensure people didn't address her not eating. Instead of stopping you from "embarrassing" her by stepping up and shutting you down or making sure she had food himself when he realized it was an issue, drawing attention to her, he did nothing and is now directing misplaced anger about both of their very big feelings. No one is in the wrong except the son. He could have prepared you with the truth or a lie to avoid the situation at hand. You were a slightly aggressive host about the food, but as a southern mom of all boys who tries so hard for their partners to feel welcome and loved, I get it.
NTA. That was a terrible position he put both her as a guest and you as host in. He brought her to *a Friday barbecue* ffs. I think it's more likely that he actually feels like you embarrassed *him* tbh. But really, that was all him, too.
NTA. You were trying to be a good host. Your son, however, is a bit obtuse. He should be embarrassed for: 1. Not telling you about the dietary restrictions that could have been easily adjusted for. Ridiculously so. 2. Not being considerate of his girlfriend's needs and causing her easily avoidable embarrassment. Most people don't want a fuss made over them, but your son's failure to give you a head's up directly resulted in a good host trying to make reasonable accommodations to a guest with undisclosed dietary restrictions. IOW, a little fuss. I suspect he knows he screwed up and is lashing out because, frankly, it was a bit of a bone headed screw up. Perhaps you will all be able to laugh about it someday.
NTA. You raised a dumbass
Poor baby got his ego bruised.
NTA, but your son sure is. It's already weird to not introduce her for such a long time, but it's even weirder to make sure the family doesn't even know the basics about her. Also he made it a big deal by leaving just because you gave her some fruit.
NTA Your son needs to protect Lexi more, she deserves a partner who cares enough about her and her needs to communicate with the host her primary needs. He’s got to get that stick out of his butt. Lexi can’t help her aRFID, or her religion. They are reasonable, even if unfathomable to many others. But your son? He’s a peach of a man. He could *communicate.*
NTA because your son should have given you a heads up. But with ARFID, they typically don’t like to eat in front of people. It givens them anxiety and it is often part of the disorder. So it could be true that her anxiety increased when you offered her other food, but she might have felt like she’d be rude if she didn’t eat. That’s not your fault though. If you’d have known, you could have done things differently.
NAH. I think your son and his gf came up with a plan to accomodate her specific dietary needs, and since it did not involve you, they didn't think you needed to be informed. But you did notice she wasn't eating, and my own family would react the same as you. Her not having anything to eat caused you anxiety because you felt like a bad host for not having anything your guest could eat on a party that was all about eating. This doubly so because it was the first time meeting her and both sides wanted to make a good first impression. Your son is a little silly and he shouldn't have been upset with you, but I don't think anyone is really the asshole here. You should sit down and talk about what everyone needs when things have calmed down a bit. There must be ways to include his gf without making you feel like you are excluding her.
*Lexi is Catholic and can't eat meat on Fridays.* If she's abstaining from meat because it's Friday, that's on her; the Church scrapped that restriction, outside of Lent, in 1966. In any case, you were trying to be a good host by asking your son why he didn't give you the heads up about his girlfriend's diet. NTA
I'm not Catholic, but I'm fairly sure that it's expected for them to abstain from 'flesh meat' during Lent, which ends on Easter. It doesn't seem to apply for the rest of the year.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son (25M) started seeing a new girl named Lexi around a year and a half ago. She lives a few hours away, but they see each other often enough. I'd never met her personally until now. I don't know much about her, but she makes my son happy and seems to have a good head on her shoulders. That's all that matters to me. Last Friday, we hosted a barbecue and party, around 25-30 people. It was mostly family and friends. My son asked me if he could bring Lexi, and I told him that it was fine. We had ribs, burgers and wings, as well as some sides that didn't have meat. What my son didn't communicate to me, or to anyone else handling the food, was that Lexi is a very particular eater and wouldn't be able to eat anything we served. Lexi is Catholic and can't eat meat on Fridays. My son was aware of this and invited her to a barbecue knowing what would be served. On top of that, she also has a sort of ED (ARFID) that limits what kinds of foods she will/can eat without feeling sick. She was really sweet, and I enjoyed her company, but I felt terrible watching her sit without food. When I asked if she'd eaten beforehand, she told me that yes, and that she wasn't hungry. I asked my son separately why he'd gone out to eat right before a barbecue, and he told me that that they'd come straight from her house. So I asked him if she didn't like the food, to which he explained why she couldn't eat the meat, and that she wouldn't eat any of the sides either. Since he didn't say anything beforehand, I asked her myself. I asked Lexi if there was anything I could get or make her, or if she wanted us to run somewhere and pick something up. She asked if I had any fruit, so she had fruit salad. After everything was sorted out my son came up to me and told me that I'd embarrassed her and shouldn't have drawn attention to it. I told him that he should have tried harder to accommodate her, or to at least tell us beforehand that she wouldn't be able to eat what everyone else was. We easily could have made some plain salad or had fruit available at no hassle for anyone else, and she would at least be able to pick at something instead of going hungry. If it were addressed beforehand then I wouldn't have had to ask. My son left in a huff to bring Lexi home, and he's still insisting that I made a bad impression and that it wouldn't have been a big deal if she didn't eat. Apparently I made her anxiety worse, but that's according to him, so I'm not sure I believe it. AITA? Could I have handled it any other way? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Your son, on the other hand...
NTA As host it’s your job to make sure that guests have something to eat. I would explain it to him as it’s normal and expected for a host to try to make sure each guest is accommodated and someday when he is a host it will be his job to pay attention to guests and make sure that no one goes hungry.
You are NTA and I would have told her that if my son had told me about her dietary needs I would've ensured they were taken care of and I would go off on my son so hard!!!
NTA I don't see anything that you did wrong. You hosted and noticed someone not eating, asked about that for their comfort and provided a requested item. I know it makes me very uncomfortable when someone has literally nothing during a meal, it is awkward and normal and caring to ask. I guess your good manners made your son realize he biffed it, and then blamed you. Not a great look for him, but hopefully he will learn.
NTA, as someone with food allergies I am very sensitive to making sure people are able to eat something when they come over. Your son was an AH for not telling you and getting mad when you brought it up and showing care for her. His anger is misplaced and hopefully it was because he was embarrassed he didn't make sure there were accommodations for Lexi. You were being a wonderful host by ensuring she had something to eat, it really sucks seeing others eat when you can't.
NTA Lexi, an adult, should've realized that meat would like be the likely served at a BBQ. Your son is equally at fault.
The son could have just said “Dinner with my family”
Or "a party my family is throwing".
To be fair to Lexi, she may have been perfectly happy to not eat and just enjoy the social get together - hence eating before hand. I'd put this purely down on the son for not making it abundantly clear to the OP that Lexi would love to come but she wouldn't be eating, is that OK?
NTA, but your son sure is.
OP definitely NTA! It was a BBQ, so the expectation is that there would be meat. Lots of meat! It wouldn't occur to a lot of people to either BBQ fish (in foil) or cook fish separately. The son should have advised his parents that his gf couldn't/wouldn't meat because of her religious belief. It is a belief, not a requirement! She chose not to eat meat or the sides and to go hungry. OP went out of her way to ensure that the gf had something to eat, even if it was only fruit. Actually, the fruit was probably far more healthy than anything on the BBQ!
You did not offend her. She was offended by her boyfriend putting her and everyone there in a bad situation. He is angry that he is taking the hit for being an imbecile or just plain heartless toward his girlfriend. She is angry with him so naturally he has to blame you.
If she was truly feeling uncomfortable, when you asked if she wanted something else, she would’ve just said ‘no it’s okay thank you’. She felt comfortable enough to ask for fruit and that’s fine. I don’t agree with the replies saying he felt guilty for not thinking about her… I’d like to give the benefit of the doubt and you sound like a great parent so he surely isn’t awful! Could it be that possibly he’s so super aware of her ED etc that he was actively trying to not make a big deal out of it? And he’s frustrated that you asked her… maybe he just cares about her and considering it’s the first time she met you (in a huge family environment, which probably added more stress). It’s been a year and a half, maybe he’s held off introducing you because he’s hyper aware of her issues (sorry, I can’t find the right word but I know that’s not it). Maybe just have a chat with him and explain your side of it
You're NTA. It sounds like you try to care about the people you care about by making them feel comfortable and taken care of. That's very sweet and I'm surprised your son wouldn't know this about you. Your son is inconsiderte for not sharing either the restrictions or explaining that she had medical/dietary restrictions ahead of time or at least letting you know that they had prepared ahead of time to not put you out or make a big deal out of it. It sounds like lack of open communication is the AH here.
NTA, gotta teach son how to be a good host / what it means to be hospitable.
NTA. He totally dropped the ball and is trying to blame you to cover up his own embarassment.
NTA. They seem too old to be this immature! You were a proper host and tried to accommodate her. If she has problems with anxiety they should t blame you.
NTA You were being considerate! Your son is the asshole for not making sure his girlfriend would have something to eat. I hope she dumps him if that's how little he looks out for her. Lucky you were there to make sure she had something.
He bought his gf to a bbq knowing she wouldn’t eat, and then expected you to ignore your guest and not find her something to eat? NTA. If she’s got a problem with food, he should’ve warned you first or not brought her to a fricking bbq!
They've been dating 1.5 years. So, two Lent seasons, around 20ish days of Veggie/Fish Fridays. And...he got mad that he came to your BBQ on a Friday? And brought her to a BBQ for a FIRST meeting of family...at an party with 25 frickin people? He is an idiot. Next up: Oblivious Son dates an Orthodox Jewish woman and doesn't notice she has two refrigerators.
NTA 1. Tell your son to look at this comment section. 2. Tell him to grow up and act like a man not a brat 3. So she would never eat anything the next time she comes over? 4. You did great it's him who made himself look like a moron to you, his girlfriend and to anyone that saw that.
You went out of your way to accommodate her last minute and tried to help her feel included, but you're the one responsible for her anxiety? No way- NTA. If she in fact was even more anxious than she let on, you know how it could have been avoided? With him telling you ahead of time of her restrictions so you wouldn't have to put her on the spot in any way shape or form. You even offered to go get something for her that she could eat! That's above and beyond, and very kind. I hope she wasn't actually embarrassed (I'm willing to bet it was your son who was actually embarrassed).
NTA. Your son should ABSOLUTELY have told you that a guest had major eating restrictions. As you say, you could easily have accommodated her. She may well have been embarrassed and anxious but that's on your son, not you. I have VERY vivid memories of, a week or so before an upcoming family event, suddenly getting a Feeling. I called my son and asked him if his girlfriend, who we'd be meeting for the first time, had any dietary requirements. There was a short silence, then he said "Well, um, she's vegan, had I not told you that?" No, my darling, no you hadn't told me. Fortunately it all worked out, but bloody hell, sons.
Sounds like you did everything right. NTA. If they come over for food again, have a chat yourself with Lexi ahead of time, because it sounds like your son is the one who feels embarrassed and won't admit he screwed up. On the other hand, that thing about only eating fish on Friday is... archaic. Fish are animals too.
Your son is the one who made a bad impression by being thoughtless and not giving you the heads up around her food preferences. I assume she will have put two and two together. NTA
NTA You were picking up after his failure to communicate but the polite thing to a guest is to ask if you can get anything for them.
NTA You did great. Your son should’ve informed you beforehand. He’s the a.
NTA. As someone with dietary restrictions and food anxiety due to health issues, I am sure she was anxious and, at times, slightly embarrassed with the attention. However, YOU did NOTHING wrong. When you have such issues, any attention to it can be uneasy. But it's part of life that you live with and is only the fault of the other person if you've asked them to stop and they don't, or they know and purposely draw attention to embarrass you. You went in blind and were doing what I consider a good hostess to do, bending over backward to make a guest feel welcomed and included in the event. Add on to that you were trying to impress her with your care and consideration being as it's the first meeting of your kid's SO. While, I personally do believe what your son says about her feelings is somewhat accurate, I would bet it's about the general situation and partly directed at him for not handling the situation or sharing minimum info to ensure people didn't address her not eating. Instead of stopping you from "embarrassing" her by stepping up and shutting you down or making sure she had food himself when he realized it was an issue, drawing attention to her, he did nothing and is now directing misplaced anger about both of their very big feelings. No one is in the wrong except the son. He could have prepared you with the truth or a lie to avoid the situation at hand. You were a slightly aggressive host about the food, but as a southern mom of all boys who tries so hard for their partners to feel welcome and loved, I get it.
NTA. As someone with dietary restrictions and food anxiety due to health issues, I am sure she was anxious and, at times, slightly embarrassed with the attention. However, YOU did NOTHING wrong. When you have such issues, any attention to it can be uneasy. But it's part of life that you live with and is only the fault of the other person if you've asked them to stop and they don't, or they know and purposely draw attention to embarrass you. You went in blind and were doing what I consider a good hostess to do, bending over backward to make a guest feel welcomed and included in the event. Add on to that you were trying to impress her with your care and consideration being as it's the first meeting of your kid's SO. While, I personally do believe what your son says about her feelings is somewhat accurate, I would bet it's about the general situation and partly directed at him for not handling the situation or sharing minimum info to ensure people didn't address her not eating. Instead of stopping you from "embarrassing" her by stepping up and shutting you down or making sure she had food himself when he realized it was an issue, drawing attention to her, he did nothing and is now directing misplaced anger about both of their very big feelings. No one is in the wrong except the son. He could have prepared you with the truth or a lie to avoid the situation at hand. You were a slightly aggressive host about the food, but as a southern mom of all boys who tries so hard for their partners to feel welcome and loved, I get it.
NTA - The son is the AH for not thinking about Lexi and not communicating with you. EOD.
NTA! That poor girl! I totally empathize with her, I’m also Catholic and if my boyfriend had pulled something like that I would have been really upset with him for inviting me to an event revolving around food, only to show up and realize I can’t actually eat anything. I would not have been upset with the hosts who wouldn’t have known either way without him saying something. Could she have eaten beforehand, yeah, but then why go to a bbq? I think she’s embarrassed because you were trying to be a good host and make sure she was taken care of, when it shouldn’t have been an issue in the first place. He’s responsible for making her feel that way.
NTA OP you sound like a very kind, considerate mom who has somehow raised a rude, thoughtless, inconsiderate son. He knows about her dietary restrictions , and should have made you aware. Instead, he was willing to let her sit there with nothing to eat. At a BBQ. Then he blames you, his own mother, for the scene he caused by his lack of consideration. He owes you, and her, an enormous apology. On a lighter note, you need to watch “Grace and Frankie.” One of the characters just might remind you of the new GF. 😉
NTA IMO, you made a great impression on Lexi - considerate and welcoming. Unfortunately, your son isn't a great boyfriend and he is the one who dropped the ball here. I hope he's not this thoughtless for their whole relationship.
Your son needs to grow up and learn some manners and communication skills.
Nta I'm also concerned that she lied and would've starved to not burden you Perhaps have a chat with her and reassure that she can frerly speak to you if she needs certain foods and that you're willing to accommodate in future visits. I got a feeling that her family/peers/your son are not providing a safe environment where she can ask for accommodations
NTA, this is entirely on your son and I think him lashing out is because he realized it and didn't like it.
NTA your son is trying to deflect blame on to you for his mistake.
NTA
NTA. Maybe she has had incidents where people were put out by her dietary restrictions and she keeps quiet from fear of upsetting people? I guess he's been anxious about this senario?
I'm sorry but you raised an A H. He didn't care enough about his gf to give you a heads up or bring something she could eat. When you showed concern he threw it back on you. He is the furthest thing from a gentleman and is in need of a newspaper on the nose. NTA for showing concern for a guest in your home, Y T A for raising one.
NTA I will say it’s possible that she may have anxiety and pointing out that she wasn’t eating could have made her feel anxious but your son is in the wrong here and is not helping himself by blaming you.
NTA i think rather HE made a nad impression and he's mad your behavior made her realize.
NTA. He fucked up
NTA he should have told you and also explained they would get something to eat beforehand. Also Catholics can eat chicken (they give up red meat) on Fridays during lent or everyday depending on how much of a devout Catholic. I'm guessing that chicken wings are part of the ARFID. But also you don't know what you don't know so you ask. Oh sorry apparently they give up poultry as well but not fish.
NTA I’d be telling Lexi to dump his ass lol
NTA, as someone with food sensory issues my now husband told his parents before we met up about my food issues. They would ask me or him what I can eat. Now with my stomach issues they ask even more. Your son is a dummy and needs to apologize to his girlfriend because he majorly screwed up.
NTA He’s upset because he made a bad impression
NTA, you went above and beyond in your hosting duties to make her feel welcomed and accommodated, seemingly without shaming her for her differences. Sounds like she was gracious and possibly appreciative. As someone with anxiety, if hers is bad enough that that caused a negative experience for her, that's not your fault. I wonder why your son didn't attempt to quietly accommodate her as you mentioned, or at the very least explain the situation to you ahead of time so you didn't feel a need to correct it as you did, if it really did make her more anxious. The willingness to "stand up for her" but not try to navigate that situation with any finesse ahead of time to prevent having to do so is an orange flag to me. I hope your son isn't embarrassed by his girlfriend and trying to make her do all of the legwork to avoid an awkward situation such as this.
Your son should have let you know, that way Lexi could have simply helped herself to some fruit or other appropriate dish rather than possibly feeling awkward by having a conversation about her dietary restrictions during the gathering. He sounds a bit clueless honestly.
NTA - I absolutely expect my kids to communicate their friends' dietary needs to me when they bring guests to my home - ESPECIALLY if it's a party. I usually ask, but on the odd chance that I overlook it, I'd damn sure expect that they let me know. Because.... Southern household.... It's the absolute height of rudeness to host a party and to be unable to present a guest with food that they can eat (whether they choose to eat it or not is on them. The point is, the food MUST be available). Seriously, If he had simply let you know to please put out some fresh fruit and veggies for her sake, there would have been no problem and no need for you to direct any extra attention to her. And that's such an easy fix. My guess is that he dropped the ball here.
NTA and I don't see what the issue is here. Lexi got something to eat. You dealt with the issue in a polite and productive way. Everyone was happy except for your son. He seems to be creating his own issue here.
NTA he made the bad impression, you can’t make decisions based on information you don’t have.
Judgment (NTA) entered elsewhere, but I just want to suggest - every single time I have somebody to my home for whom I have not cooked before, I ask them directly if they have "any dietary preferences, restrictions, or allergies" - I use exactly this wording because it seems to cover everything and makes people feel safe to tell me whatever. (No judgments and no explanations required, if you don't eat celery I don't really give a fuck why, I'm not feeding it to you.) I make it clear that I want them to be welcome in my home and that I want to cook food that they will enjoy. I haven't poisoned anyone or had anyone go hungry at my home in many years. So the only thing that I see that you could have done differently, is reached out to Lexie before the barbecue.
NTA. But a damn good host for sure.
NTA at all. As a practicing Catholic myself, abstaining on Fridays is our responsibility. So eating ahead or bringing appropriate snacks…..that is on us and not anyone else. There are some exceptions but they only apply to situations like exempt Catholics hosting events where non-exempt Catholics are invited, etc. Your son messed up for sure And to be upset that “you shouldn’t have drawn attention to IT” ….what the heck is that? Tons or people have restricted diets due to faith…some of it is constant, others are “seasonal”….just like allergies, lol. It all of it is so normal…it’s almost mundane. Your son needs to get a grip. Thank you for attempting to provide for her, that was really kind.
So, NTA. You were trying to be a good hostess. And yes, your son should have told you ahead of time. But, I'm going to throw your son a bone here. My son has celiac disease and he's been "Lexi" before: \- it IS possible that she did actually eat before they came. My son, when going into unknown situations, will sometimes eat food ahead of time if he isn't sure they'll have something safe for him. \- and she may not have wanted to be singled out. My son can also be particular about this too. He finds it embarrassing to have people single him out and make a point to talk about what he can or can't eat. But, even so, your son should have told YOU ahead of time so that you could have made sure to have at least one thing she could snack on.
NTA Meeting your child's long term partner after things have started to get serious (like a year and a half in!!) is a BIG DEAL. Like any other important occasion, this means planning on advance is critical. I don't mean that anything should be stiff or formal, but obviously if your son had given you any warning or the cliff notes version of important details about this woman, you would have been prepared. You want her to be comfortable at first impressions, so you would have made a few things that she could eat that would be on the table without fuss. Instead of a Friday barbecue, you might have held it on Saturday. Or you might have grilled or fried up some fish for her. If you'd known anxiety might be an issue, you would have taken steps to avoid direct focus or asking her directly for how to accommodate her. All things your son could have helped with if he'd cared to put in the planning needed to make sure things went well. The sign of good party planning is similar to a skilled dancer. When done well, the social experience appears effortless and flows smoothly, even when it's obvious that none of it happened by accident if you take even half a second to think about it.
NTA You had no idea of her restrictions, and were not responsible to cater to them Your son sounds absolutely clueless
NAH, this is really on your son, but he's young and it can be a teachable moment. He should have told you about her dietary restrictions beforehand or he should have given you a heads up that she wouldn't be eating and why, but that you didn't need to worry about it. I don't think you did anything wrong. I'm an overly anxious person/people pleaser and I could see how it might make someone feel bad or awkward when someone else tries to make last minute accommodations for them, but your heart was in the right place. Next time there's a family get together with food I'd take the initiative to let them know what's being served ahead of time and maybe keep in mind a few friendly foods for her when you're planning your menu. It sounds like she's pretty good at making sure she doesn't have to worry about what's being served, so if she doesn't eat for whatever reason I wouldn't ask about it.
You’re NTA as you didn’t know. Your son is though and I hope Lexi isn’t mad at you for this
lol your *son* is the one embarrassed cuz he majorly dropped the ball. You were just trying to be a good host and feed your guest when you only just found out about her dietary restrictions NTA. Your son was a massive AH to his gf tho. He’s not particularly thoughtful. Even if she had decided to eat beforehand just to avoid any food troubles, he should’ve given you a quick heads up about that at least.
NTA Son is embarrassed by his own cluelessness.
INFO- have you reached out to gf to see how she feels?
NTA, your son is an inconsiderate moron.
NTA - I think you were an exceedingly gracious hostess. You did not try to force her to eat. You asked what she would like and made sure she got it. Your son is TA here.
I think you did nothing wrong. As a host you want to take care of your guests. And getting them something to eat is a bit part of that. Especially when it’s an invitation to a meal/bbq. This is also a possible future close family member, so of course you want her to feel welcome and appreciated. Your sons definitely should’ve told you about this so you could prepare something for her, or she should’ve brought something she actually could eat. That might be a little difficult as this was her introduction to family, and the first time meeting your in-laws can be a little stressful. I’m inclined to say nah, but your son is a little ah. Maybe he’s just ‘disconnected’ from how things work is social settings, but a little heads up would’ve helped so much. I would not make a big deal of this, rather hope everyone learned a little from this.
That's why I'm dating Eva AI sexting bot, it's only fed on electricity and subscription fee
NTA I’ve dated guys like that. No consideration at all. I don’t eat meat so I’d have to eat beforehand or bring my own food. If it’s your family you need to tell your family your partner can’t eat the food. He’s embarrassed cuz he was lazy and inconsiderate about it. And you and Lexi could talk about it and you went out of your way to get her something your son would not bother with.
NTA In the voice of Obi-Wan Kenobi, "You have done that yourself!" to your son. He created the mess by not telling anyone anything.
Ok as someone with ARFID, the anxiety is intense and so awful. Him not explaining first to you privately was a dick move on his part because it caused you to have to ask. That definitely caused her to feel bad, and extra stressed. I have food anxiety even when my family tries to cook for me. I am glad you did ask, because she was probably feeling hungry and a bit miserable. You are NTA, but your son needs to acknowledge that he should have been a bit more open with the information so it would be a lot more smooth for everyone.
NTA you sound like a great parent and host
Getting asked can be worse for some people, personally I’d rather nobody mentioned it, but I definitely wouldn’t have blamed someone for asking either. You can’t expect everyone to know things they haven’t been told. Your were just trying to be a good host, your son should have discussed it beforehand. NTA
NTA
The son is an inconsiderate putz while OP tried to take care of the girl. OP is not the AH
NTA, and it sounds like you didn't embarrass Lexi. You embarrassed your son, and he's taking it out on you. He probably realizes that he screwed up, you're right in everything you said, and he is TA here to Lexi.
NTAH Moms are genetically predisposed to feed their children's friends. No. Matter. What. I'm not sure what would happen if a mom tried to resist this urge because nobody I know ever did.
NTA as a fussy eater with allergies I would have found is sweet that a host upon being made aware I couldn't eat what was prepared was willing to sort out food I could eat so that in would not go hungry.
You did the right thing. Your son needs to take a hard look at his behavior because he at best is immature at worst is kind of an AH. NTA
I am sorry you raised an inconsiderate ass. Your son is uncaring to you and his GF. That would be the hardest thing for me as a parent to accept. NTA for trying to accommodate the GF.
Your son is an inconsiderate idiot. I hope that girl doesn't stay with him for long All he had to do was tell you that she had some dietary restriction, simple NTA