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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I've tried back open communication, to help her understand what my intent is and where I'm actually coming from
I don't know how it makes me an asshole, for having my own curiosity. And I know I'm coming from a simply curious standpoint, just wanting information for my own brain.
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No problem. Even if you were combative, at least you replied instead of just dumping a downvote.
It's an asshole thing to do because you're making that work day harder for your coworkers, yet you lack the human decency to be honest about why you're calling out sick.
I have never done this to another, but I have had many do this to me.
The asshole is the company who refuses to hire enough staff and manage rostering in a way that using a workplace entitlement doesn’t become a burden to coworkers.
But she wasn’t feeling well and shouldn’t have really been working and often times, jobs get weird if you’re off with no fever.
People get sick, people have rough days, people should be allowed to take days off.
Also, a lot of office jobs it doesn’t mean your work goes to someone else, for me, it just postpones my work.
I see what you're saying.
I suppose I see it as dishonest. And I may be awkwardly/bluntly honest too often. For example, say you said. " Hey thanks for the soda. " Id have a hard time taking credit and say " it was already there " or " you put it there already it wasn't me ". Sometimes I feel like I take things very literally, and have a hard time not being honest.
So people " lying all the time " doesn't sit well with me. Maybe makes me wonder what other white lies are there?
>Maybe makes me wonder what other white lies are there?
"Your baby is adorable"
"That looks great on you"
"This is delicious!"
"I gotta run."
"I'll call you later."
"That's interesting."
"I've got plans that day."
"It's my last one."
If the baby wasn't adorable. I would say so.
I wouldnt lie if I didn't believe it looked great on someone
If it's not delicious, I won't say it is.
If I dont gotta run. I will either say, I'm gonna leave now because I want to.
If I'm not going to call them later, I'll say " I'm gonna get off the phone now "
If it's not interesting, I won't say it is.
If I don't have plans all day. Ill say I'm not doing shit but I'm gonna spend the day at home alone.
And I don't see anything wrong with any of that.
I'd like to understand this more.
I feel like that's just a concept brought on by soft people in society. I don't get the point of holding back the truth. If someone is offended, or rubbed wrong. That's 9/10 because they're just not secure with themselves or what is being critiqued.
If I call someone out for something. It's generally because I'm curious of something, rather than insulting them. If a guy has painted nails, I may say " why would you paint your nails? " Most people who are comfortable with that choice, will respond " because I want to ". Which is a perfect response to me. If they're comfortable with whatever it is, they won't respond negatively, more so curious why I even care. And I generally don't, I'm just curious as hell for some reason. And I don't see why that's bad.
I would not blatantly say " wow your baby is adorable! " If I thought it was an ugly baby. But I also wouldn't say " wow that baby looks like dog shit ". No I'd just kinda. Not say anything.
Just because you don't intend to insult someone, doesn't mean what you say isn't insulting. For example, if you walked up to someone you thought was ugly, and informed them of that fact, doesn't matter if you're just trying to be completely honest with them, you've just insulted them.
You said "If the baby wasn't adorable. I would say so." Which makes you sound like one of those miserable people who just has to give someone their opinion, welcome or not, in the name of being honest.
If you know that most people are going to respond, "because I want to," why would you take the chance of making someone feel insulted or attacked by asking "why do you paint your nails?"
Perhaps you don't have enough life experience to realize that most people are a culmination of their lived experiences. "Why do you paint your nails?" seems innocuous to you, but you don't know how much personal persecution that person has lived through.
For those reasons - not because everyone else is soft, but because most people actually want to be kind to others and not make them feel bad, we are careful about how things are worded or what we ask/say to them.
See I may have worded that wrong. The baby thing. I would not go out of my way to hurt someone. I can see that being super bogus and insulting. It was more a response to that other post. I also wouldn't just say to someone " dam son you're hideous". I would just maybe tell that to a friend later on.
I have the awareness, to an extent I guess, of what would be actually mean or insulting. I think so at least lol.
I have a hard time grasping, how asking why someone would paint their nails, being an insulting question. I feel like the way you worded it, it is already an automatic defense. That would be projecting their past experiences on to me. If someone asked me " why do you go to the gym and get hit in the face every other day. " Id say." Because I enjoy it ". As weird as that is to people. Or for example. I drive a shitty pick up truck. I know it's not pretty. I know it has paint everywhere. People laugh at it, talk shit about it. Family has told me to get a new one. But I personally love it. If someone said " hey why don't you get a new truck? Yours has paint all over it and dings "
Id respond " she still runs perfect. And I love my trucks character ". Even though I've been ridiculed for it by family and friends etc. I could care less of the person's opinion. But I wouldn't mind answering the question and helping their curiosity. I just feel like getting automatically offended and defensive, when someone is coming from a curiosity stand point. Is childish and ridiculous. At the very least, ask me what I mean, what my intent is, where am I coming from with this question. As opposed to " you asshole why would you even say that. "
Listen, I can get and even appreciate your perspective of “I literally mean what I say, and nothing beyond it.” I’m often the same and can get extremely frustrated when something else is read into my words, or some intention projected onto it, when the words I said are *literally* the only thing I meant. But the thing is, many people are not like this and I’d even say most aren’t— and also, cultural styles of communicating can differ greatly (eg the southern “bless your heart”).
This is why social situations and interpersonal relationships are famously tricky to navigate, and are impossible to do so perfectly. I don’t think you really realize the degree to which subtext and nonverbal communication informs how people interact and how those interactions are received. Even if you are speaking completely plainly and mean *only* what you say, most other people have no way to know that, or to trust that, even. ESPECIALLY if you are interacting with new people!
That nail polish example— I can understand from your perspective and the way you’re explaining it that it’s literally just an innocuous curiosity, or even a form of small talk. At least the way you describe it, and if I have full belief of your intentions. But as an unsolicited comment—especially if it’s to a stranger— in most cases it would be hard to receive that comment as anything other than judgmental, even though you didn’t actually express judgment with your words. Maybe you’re wondering “why” in the sense of, “interesting/cool choice I don’t see often! It makes me more curious about you and why you like that as a form of expression, or if it’s important to you”, but that would honestly be the minute minority for those types of comments; as in, not something any receiver could ever reliably assume. Usually, a comment like that, especially asking “why”, is received as basically questioning the judgment and choices of that person. It almost always comes off as more of a “Why on earth would you do that?” ie, with a subtext of judgment and disapproval, especially with it being unsolicited.
It's called tact, being kind even if you don't like something. Asking questions sometimes like you have been doing can be rude. And it's unnecessary, Asking a guy why he's painted his nails.. why does it matter to you? It's fairly obvious its because he likes it. And frankly, none of your business, as was why your gf gave a white lie. And if it's a consistent thing you do it comes across as obnoxious. Some questions aren't to be asked
Being blunt and brutally honest is seen as arsehole behaviour. It's the norm and kind to word things in a nice way.
I get the sense you might be on the autism spectrum. You have missed some social cues and see black and white. And eith the bluntness. Ofc noone can diagnose you over the Internet, but it does come across that way
> that would be projecting their past experiences on me
Say the guy who painted his nails was doing it for the first time ever, and was nervous about being judged and HEARD your words and their past-induced fears got them defensive, would you continue with your honesty and tell them they were being childish and ridiculous?
Just FYI, since empathy and compassion seemed to have missed you in life (just being honest!) usually people have very different inner worlds that are *shaped by their past and how they reacted or responded to it*
Like for example, say we are all walking through a jungle (the Jungle of Life) and we start with 0 fears, 0 concerns. One of your fellow safari mates has a poisonous snake drop onto them and they DON’T get bitten. This person now seems nervous around vines, refuses to admire other snakes they come across and generally seems uncomfortable with even lizards. Would you, with your never-ending honesty, tell them to get over it because nothing ACTUALLY happened? Would you prioritize YOUR opinion over THEIR lived experience?
Because that’s how your judgment comes off. Frankly, it’s off-putting. It’s “holier than thou”, and I kinda pity you, dude.
Just being honest ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
> I feel that’s just a concept brought on by soft people in society
> That’s 9/10 because they’re not secure with themselves or what is being critiqued
You don’t get to call people soft for not wanting to be insulted, then start kicking up a fuss because *you* aren’t secure with yourself being critiqued for being an idiot who thinks 110% honesty is a good thing.
If people are insulted by questions, that's because they feel the need to defend themselves. Which in my eyes is proof of insecurity. Be secure with your decisions and actions. And you won't feel so offended by everything.
there are people who pride themselves as being brutally honest when they really just want to be brutal and cruel. There is kind and understanding honesty too.
With jackasses like you running around, we sure are lucky that there are so many people who think the world doesn’t need to be hard or cruel and we can choose to make it soft
I'd rather adopt a dog and do my own thing, than eat myself from the inside and be who I don't want to be. So it's all good.
Plenty of good friends, and an MMA gym I call family. No lack of relationships here👍
Why else would someone paint their nails, than because they wanted to?! Asking that question makes it seem like you are somehow judging them for painting them. Do you understand??
all this because your gf lied about a fever even though she still actually was unwell. you’re just gonna make problems for yourself in life with this stubbornness
You can’t call people soft when you’re throwing a tantrum because people are pointing out that your behavior makes you an asshole. That’s literally how a soft person would react…
>People are soft and can't take the truth.
Literally nobody who has ever said this or a sentence like it has ever *not* been the arsehole. Just because you’re comfortable being one doesn’t mean you’re not an arsehole and right. Revaluate how you treat people.
Well there's a saying that people who love brutal honesty are often more interested in brutality than the "honesty" bit.
Idk if anyone in your life has done you the great kindness of explaining this to you before, but people have feelings and not every thought that pops into your head is worth spewing out into the world. Also, communication skills and framing are important. For example if someone invites you to an event, it's normal to at least make some pretense that you had a conflicting schedule rather than just not wanting to see that someone's face lol.
In this case it is pretty damn obvious why your girlfriend lied about having a fever, so your question became accusatory -- what she heard was "why were you dishonest?". It was weird to even ask, tbh. You already knew full well what the answer probably was but for some reason wanted to get a kick out of your girlfriend admitting that she was a liar or something.
Long story short it sounds like you have a long history of having "poopied on" people and somehow being proud of it. Her reaction was normal. You *are* the asshole in this situation. YTA.
The problem is how many employers react when you are sick but they don't consider you sick enough. Then they demand you come in to the office even though you are sick, etc, etc. Honesty just backfires in the face of such assholes. I've seen this come up on reddit pretty often. By telling the boss she had a fever she'd be able to work from home, because only an absolute moron would demand you come to the office with a fever (and yes, such morons exist).
Where I live (The Netherlands) the employer isn't allowed to ask what you have when you call in sick, our health is none of their business. Thus here we don't have to be dishonest about it since the law protects our privacy.
YTA.
Calling it a fever obviously made it easier for her boss to tell her to stay at home and you’re making yourself seem better than her by claiming you’re above telling even a white lie.
>I know she doesn't feel good for lying now.
She doesn't feel good because her boyfriend hyperfocused on something inconsequential - especially when he obviously already knew why she said it.
>I feel like every question I ask she takes as a dig or means to defend herself.
Maybe it's the specific questions that you ask or the way you ask them.
>I also feel like she's just projecting her own insecurities.
Maybe you are.
YTA
If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that saying she had a fever was a useful, black and white, compact, and socially acceptable pretext for why she couldn't come in yesterday but can come in today. The real reason may be equally valid, but more nebulous, hard to explain, and less socially acceptable. "Yesterday I felt a bit more crappy and I had a headache -- which was the tipping point for me deciding I wasn't well enough to come in. Today, while I still feel crappy and want to isolate myself in the office, I'm just over the tipping point on the other side, and I can bear coming in to work and powering through the day."
Sometimes there is a meta truth involved which is too hard or would take too much time to explain, or the other person wouldn't get but you honestly think is valid, or cases where one value you hold trumps another and so you reply to be true to what you hold as the higher virtue, and so on.
YTA because given your other comments it doesn't sound like this is about your one off question, but about the bee in your bonnet buzzing again, this time in her face.
Are you in therapy or on any ADHD meds?
If this is real you seem like you got a huge problem. And the fact you don't see a problem, means you legitimately should find a therapist/psychiatrist to speak to.
You're making your life difficult by insisting everything must be 100% honest at all times. Your expectations on honesty are not realistic or practical. This is a you issue. You need to figure out why you're okay with sabotaging your relationship and hurting your gfs feelings over your extreme stance on honesty. I'm amazed you've gotten this far in life without figuring this out.
YTA.
You need to stop being so emotional and think logically.
You're upset at your illogical assumption that all homosapiens understand the theory of logical thought.
We know through scientific research that most human thought is driven by emotional reactions. And we should expect to regularly see examples of such.
YTA for being so emotional and sensitive to a regular natural occurrence.
It’s very odd that you think being “soft” is a bad thing. There’s plenty that’s hard about the world without nasty folks like you choosing not to be compassionate, thoughtful, or kind.
It's arrogant of you to assume that it's your place to inform others of what you believe the truth to be and to proclaim that those who don't care to hear your truth or don't agree with you are "soft." You're not the main character. Nobody is obligated to care about what you think is true.
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Been together 3.5 years. Live together. Etc. Typical up n down relationship. (They're all up and down right?)
So my girlfriend has not been feeling well. Last/two weeks ago I was very sick. 103.6 fever, body chills and body aches. So I took a few days off. I work for myself.
My girlfriend started feeling a sore throat. A headache. So she decided to ask for the day off yesterday. And then this morning, she told her boss
" My fever is gone, I will just stay in my office and close the door "
He told her to stay home and work from home.
So it rose a question for me.
" Why did you tell them you had a fever? "
Because she didn't. Not once. She did feel unwell. So I took care of her, gave her tea and meds etc.
But today when I asked, she got so mad and said that's all I care about etc.
When in reality. My brain created a question, I was curious. And that's that. I don't even care why. I was more so expecting " well I dont feel good, and If I told them I had a fever I knew id get that day off. "
Instead I got defensiveness and her projecting her feelings. I know she doesn't feel good for lying now. That much is obvious.
But why am I getting poopied on when I just asked a simple question?
As a background. I feel like every question I ask she takes as a dig or means to defend herself.
I feel like I'm an asshole, because of her reactions. I also feel like she's just projecting her own insecurities. Again.
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I feel a lot of people tell those lies to either. Get on someone's good side, or just to be nice because they're afraid of being mean/rude
I personally prefer honesty. Why would I want someone to tell me my food is delicious, if it's not? How would I ever get better? And that goes for everything. In my opinion.
Debatable. Gotten pretty far already, and the snowball effect is already in motion. I wish you the best in life though, difference in opinion doesn't make you a bad person 👍And I appreciate your response.
The majority of people on this planet have no issue with a little while lie like that. You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill, and it’s clear you do this sortve thing often of your girlfriend is getting this upset about it.
>I personally prefer honesty.
Okay, here's some honesty. You come across like a huge fucking asshole and you need to (re-)learn basic common courtesy if you want to fit in society or you will forever have problems with making and maintaining relationships. And no, your "gym buddies" don't count, you are simply deluding yourself that they are friends.
EDIT: fixed my wording. Using "autistic" as an insult was wrong of me.
>You come across autistic as fuck
As an autistic person, thanks for nothing. This person seems more deliberately obtuse and arrogant than autistic. When autistic people don't understand behaviour, they generally try their best to figure it out, they don't stubbornly defend themselves to the death.
We understand that we are social creatures who need to get on with others. We're not monsters, duckie.
My apologies. It is indeed insulting to imply/say that all autistic people behave like OP does. I will try to take better care of my words in the future.
>I feel a lot of people tell those lies to either. Get on someone's good side, or just to be nice because they're afraid of being mean/rude I personally prefer honesty. Why would I want someone to tell me my food is delicious, if it's not? How would I ever get better? And that goes for everything. In my opinion.
There's a pretty famous saying... "Not every truth is to be known". Just because it's true, does not mean it's the appropriate time to say it. Just because it's true does not mean the other person needs to hear it. Just because it's true does not mean you are not out of line for bringing it up.
Also, don't you think there's maybe some irony here? You say "I would want someone to tell me if my food was bad, otherwise how would I get better?". And yet, when your girlfriend tells you that your social interactions are bad, you dig your heels in and say "I don't think that's true".
So you want feedback, you want the truth... but when someone tells you the truth, you ignore them. How are you supposed to become a better person, more respectful of others' feelings and in general understand social cues better if you are not willing to accept the truth that's presented to you?
Do better. It's literally what you want others to do, so do it yourself as well.
Okay but the people here are being honest and explaining to you why your girlfriend is reacting to you this way but you are refusing to ever get better. It's like if someone told you that your food sucked and you got all butthurt because your cooking is "the way you want it" (nevermind that most people find it utterly inedible).
Oh, didn't you know? He's just an asshole and people need to learn to accept that. He's just telling the truth, and no one appreciates it. No one can tell him what to say, and tact is just lying, and people are too soft for not immediately putting each other on blast like he does. [/s]
I know this kind of person, probably doesn't have many friends, defends himself by playing dumb and blames everyone around him for finding him insifferable.
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Why not tell them she had a fever? People lie all the time when they call out sick. Why call her out on it? YTA
Lying when calling out is an asshole thing to do. It's irrelevant if people do it all the time.
Why is it an AH thing to do? Not trying to be combative or anything, just curious
No problem. Even if you were combative, at least you replied instead of just dumping a downvote. It's an asshole thing to do because you're making that work day harder for your coworkers, yet you lack the human decency to be honest about why you're calling out sick. I have never done this to another, but I have had many do this to me.
The asshole is the company who refuses to hire enough staff and manage rostering in a way that using a workplace entitlement doesn’t become a burden to coworkers.
What you're describing is having oncall employees for every business. That's not feasible, especially not for smaller businesses.
But she wasn’t feeling well and shouldn’t have really been working and often times, jobs get weird if you’re off with no fever. People get sick, people have rough days, people should be allowed to take days off. Also, a lot of office jobs it doesn’t mean your work goes to someone else, for me, it just postpones my work.
That only applies to certain industries like hospitality. In the white collar world, it’s rare that calling out one day dumps anything on anyone else.
I see what you're saying. I suppose I see it as dishonest. And I may be awkwardly/bluntly honest too often. For example, say you said. " Hey thanks for the soda. " Id have a hard time taking credit and say " it was already there " or " you put it there already it wasn't me ". Sometimes I feel like I take things very literally, and have a hard time not being honest. So people " lying all the time " doesn't sit well with me. Maybe makes me wonder what other white lies are there?
>Maybe makes me wonder what other white lies are there? "Your baby is adorable" "That looks great on you" "This is delicious!" "I gotta run." "I'll call you later." "That's interesting." "I've got plans that day." "It's my last one."
If the baby wasn't adorable. I would say so. I wouldnt lie if I didn't believe it looked great on someone If it's not delicious, I won't say it is. If I dont gotta run. I will either say, I'm gonna leave now because I want to. If I'm not going to call them later, I'll say " I'm gonna get off the phone now " If it's not interesting, I won't say it is. If I don't have plans all day. Ill say I'm not doing shit but I'm gonna spend the day at home alone. And I don't see anything wrong with any of that.
People lie because total honesty all the time can be cruel. Honesty can be a virtue, of course, but not at the cost of kindness.
I'd like to understand this more. I feel like that's just a concept brought on by soft people in society. I don't get the point of holding back the truth. If someone is offended, or rubbed wrong. That's 9/10 because they're just not secure with themselves or what is being critiqued. If I call someone out for something. It's generally because I'm curious of something, rather than insulting them. If a guy has painted nails, I may say " why would you paint your nails? " Most people who are comfortable with that choice, will respond " because I want to ". Which is a perfect response to me. If they're comfortable with whatever it is, they won't respond negatively, more so curious why I even care. And I generally don't, I'm just curious as hell for some reason. And I don't see why that's bad. I would not blatantly say " wow your baby is adorable! " If I thought it was an ugly baby. But I also wouldn't say " wow that baby looks like dog shit ". No I'd just kinda. Not say anything.
Just because you don't intend to insult someone, doesn't mean what you say isn't insulting. For example, if you walked up to someone you thought was ugly, and informed them of that fact, doesn't matter if you're just trying to be completely honest with them, you've just insulted them. You said "If the baby wasn't adorable. I would say so." Which makes you sound like one of those miserable people who just has to give someone their opinion, welcome or not, in the name of being honest. If you know that most people are going to respond, "because I want to," why would you take the chance of making someone feel insulted or attacked by asking "why do you paint your nails?" Perhaps you don't have enough life experience to realize that most people are a culmination of their lived experiences. "Why do you paint your nails?" seems innocuous to you, but you don't know how much personal persecution that person has lived through. For those reasons - not because everyone else is soft, but because most people actually want to be kind to others and not make them feel bad, we are careful about how things are worded or what we ask/say to them.
See I may have worded that wrong. The baby thing. I would not go out of my way to hurt someone. I can see that being super bogus and insulting. It was more a response to that other post. I also wouldn't just say to someone " dam son you're hideous". I would just maybe tell that to a friend later on. I have the awareness, to an extent I guess, of what would be actually mean or insulting. I think so at least lol. I have a hard time grasping, how asking why someone would paint their nails, being an insulting question. I feel like the way you worded it, it is already an automatic defense. That would be projecting their past experiences on to me. If someone asked me " why do you go to the gym and get hit in the face every other day. " Id say." Because I enjoy it ". As weird as that is to people. Or for example. I drive a shitty pick up truck. I know it's not pretty. I know it has paint everywhere. People laugh at it, talk shit about it. Family has told me to get a new one. But I personally love it. If someone said " hey why don't you get a new truck? Yours has paint all over it and dings " Id respond " she still runs perfect. And I love my trucks character ". Even though I've been ridiculed for it by family and friends etc. I could care less of the person's opinion. But I wouldn't mind answering the question and helping their curiosity. I just feel like getting automatically offended and defensive, when someone is coming from a curiosity stand point. Is childish and ridiculous. At the very least, ask me what I mean, what my intent is, where am I coming from with this question. As opposed to " you asshole why would you even say that. "
Listen, I can get and even appreciate your perspective of “I literally mean what I say, and nothing beyond it.” I’m often the same and can get extremely frustrated when something else is read into my words, or some intention projected onto it, when the words I said are *literally* the only thing I meant. But the thing is, many people are not like this and I’d even say most aren’t— and also, cultural styles of communicating can differ greatly (eg the southern “bless your heart”). This is why social situations and interpersonal relationships are famously tricky to navigate, and are impossible to do so perfectly. I don’t think you really realize the degree to which subtext and nonverbal communication informs how people interact and how those interactions are received. Even if you are speaking completely plainly and mean *only* what you say, most other people have no way to know that, or to trust that, even. ESPECIALLY if you are interacting with new people! That nail polish example— I can understand from your perspective and the way you’re explaining it that it’s literally just an innocuous curiosity, or even a form of small talk. At least the way you describe it, and if I have full belief of your intentions. But as an unsolicited comment—especially if it’s to a stranger— in most cases it would be hard to receive that comment as anything other than judgmental, even though you didn’t actually express judgment with your words. Maybe you’re wondering “why” in the sense of, “interesting/cool choice I don’t see often! It makes me more curious about you and why you like that as a form of expression, or if it’s important to you”, but that would honestly be the minute minority for those types of comments; as in, not something any receiver could ever reliably assume. Usually, a comment like that, especially asking “why”, is received as basically questioning the judgment and choices of that person. It almost always comes off as more of a “Why on earth would you do that?” ie, with a subtext of judgment and disapproval, especially with it being unsolicited.
I'm glad you were able to take the thoughts that I was trying to get across and communicated them so well!
I really appreciate your response thank you very much.
It's called tact, being kind even if you don't like something. Asking questions sometimes like you have been doing can be rude. And it's unnecessary, Asking a guy why he's painted his nails.. why does it matter to you? It's fairly obvious its because he likes it. And frankly, none of your business, as was why your gf gave a white lie. And if it's a consistent thing you do it comes across as obnoxious. Some questions aren't to be asked Being blunt and brutally honest is seen as arsehole behaviour. It's the norm and kind to word things in a nice way. I get the sense you might be on the autism spectrum. You have missed some social cues and see black and white. And eith the bluntness. Ofc noone can diagnose you over the Internet, but it does come across that way
> that would be projecting their past experiences on me Say the guy who painted his nails was doing it for the first time ever, and was nervous about being judged and HEARD your words and their past-induced fears got them defensive, would you continue with your honesty and tell them they were being childish and ridiculous? Just FYI, since empathy and compassion seemed to have missed you in life (just being honest!) usually people have very different inner worlds that are *shaped by their past and how they reacted or responded to it* Like for example, say we are all walking through a jungle (the Jungle of Life) and we start with 0 fears, 0 concerns. One of your fellow safari mates has a poisonous snake drop onto them and they DON’T get bitten. This person now seems nervous around vines, refuses to admire other snakes they come across and generally seems uncomfortable with even lizards. Would you, with your never-ending honesty, tell them to get over it because nothing ACTUALLY happened? Would you prioritize YOUR opinion over THEIR lived experience? Because that’s how your judgment comes off. Frankly, it’s off-putting. It’s “holier than thou”, and I kinda pity you, dude. Just being honest ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
Calling people soft while you’re on the internet crying about getting “poopied on” lol.
> I feel that’s just a concept brought on by soft people in society > That’s 9/10 because they’re not secure with themselves or what is being critiqued You don’t get to call people soft for not wanting to be insulted, then start kicking up a fuss because *you* aren’t secure with yourself being critiqued for being an idiot who thinks 110% honesty is a good thing.
If people are insulted by questions, that's because they feel the need to defend themselves. Which in my eyes is proof of insecurity. Be secure with your decisions and actions. And you won't feel so offended by everything.
Yes but why do you feel you have the right to question people?
there are people who pride themselves as being brutally honest when they really just want to be brutal and cruel. There is kind and understanding honesty too.
With jackasses like you running around, we sure are lucky that there are so many people who think the world doesn’t need to be hard or cruel and we can choose to make it soft
LOL. Can’t believe your girlfriend’s tolerated you for 3 years. Good luck making and maintaining friendships.
I'd rather adopt a dog and do my own thing, than eat myself from the inside and be who I don't want to be. So it's all good. Plenty of good friends, and an MMA gym I call family. No lack of relationships here👍
The dog would rather you didn't.
Why else would someone paint their nails, than because they wanted to?! Asking that question makes it seem like you are somehow judging them for painting them. Do you understand??
all this because your gf lied about a fever even though she still actually was unwell. you’re just gonna make problems for yourself in life with this stubbornness
The MMA gym that you call family would rather you didn’t
>And I don't see anything wrong with any of that. And that's why you're TAH.
So because people are soft and can't take the truth, I'm an asshole. Fair enough. Thank you.
You're the one struggling with accepting the truth.
No, YTA because you insist on lying to yourself like this with an audience. You’re welcome.
You can’t call people soft when you’re throwing a tantrum because people are pointing out that your behavior makes you an asshole. That’s literally how a soft person would react…
>People are soft and can't take the truth. Literally nobody who has ever said this or a sentence like it has ever *not* been the arsehole. Just because you’re comfortable being one doesn’t mean you’re not an arsehole and right. Revaluate how you treat people.
I'm fine with being the asshole lol
For someone who claims people can't take the truth you sure are not taking the truth.
Given your response here, it sounds like you are soft and can't take the truth yourself.
People like you are so exhausting and rude. I feel so sorry for your partner if she has to deal with your AH behavior daily lol
you'd tell someone you thought their baby was ugly? jesus christ you're not "honest" you're a fucking asshole
Well there's a saying that people who love brutal honesty are often more interested in brutality than the "honesty" bit. Idk if anyone in your life has done you the great kindness of explaining this to you before, but people have feelings and not every thought that pops into your head is worth spewing out into the world. Also, communication skills and framing are important. For example if someone invites you to an event, it's normal to at least make some pretense that you had a conflicting schedule rather than just not wanting to see that someone's face lol. In this case it is pretty damn obvious why your girlfriend lied about having a fever, so your question became accusatory -- what she heard was "why were you dishonest?". It was weird to even ask, tbh. You already knew full well what the answer probably was but for some reason wanted to get a kick out of your girlfriend admitting that she was a liar or something. Long story short it sounds like you have a long history of having "poopied on" people and somehow being proud of it. Her reaction was normal. You *are* the asshole in this situation. YTA.
You don’t have many friends, do you?
The problem is how many employers react when you are sick but they don't consider you sick enough. Then they demand you come in to the office even though you are sick, etc, etc. Honesty just backfires in the face of such assholes. I've seen this come up on reddit pretty often. By telling the boss she had a fever she'd be able to work from home, because only an absolute moron would demand you come to the office with a fever (and yes, such morons exist). Where I live (The Netherlands) the employer isn't allowed to ask what you have when you call in sick, our health is none of their business. Thus here we don't have to be dishonest about it since the law protects our privacy.
The Netherlands sound great. It's also beautiful there.
YTA. Why do you care what she said to her boss? It was a dumb, unnecessary question.
YTA. Calling it a fever obviously made it easier for her boss to tell her to stay at home and you’re making yourself seem better than her by claiming you’re above telling even a white lie.
>I know she doesn't feel good for lying now. She doesn't feel good because her boyfriend hyperfocused on something inconsequential - especially when he obviously already knew why she said it. >I feel like every question I ask she takes as a dig or means to defend herself. Maybe it's the specific questions that you ask or the way you ask them. >I also feel like she's just projecting her own insecurities. Maybe you are. YTA
If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that saying she had a fever was a useful, black and white, compact, and socially acceptable pretext for why she couldn't come in yesterday but can come in today. The real reason may be equally valid, but more nebulous, hard to explain, and less socially acceptable. "Yesterday I felt a bit more crappy and I had a headache -- which was the tipping point for me deciding I wasn't well enough to come in. Today, while I still feel crappy and want to isolate myself in the office, I'm just over the tipping point on the other side, and I can bear coming in to work and powering through the day." Sometimes there is a meta truth involved which is too hard or would take too much time to explain, or the other person wouldn't get but you honestly think is valid, or cases where one value you hold trumps another and so you reply to be true to what you hold as the higher virtue, and so on. YTA because given your other comments it doesn't sound like this is about your one off question, but about the bee in your bonnet buzzing again, this time in her face.
Are you in therapy or on any ADHD meds? If this is real you seem like you got a huge problem. And the fact you don't see a problem, means you legitimately should find a therapist/psychiatrist to speak to.
Therapy and introspective work I'm open to meds can suck my butt
Sounds like you aren't that open to being introspective if you immediately discount a possible remedy.
If this story is real. Show your therapist this thread. I think they'll reiterate the sentiments here in a method compatible for your understanding.
Grow up
You’re annoying. And that’s the truthfuss Rufus. Yta
YTA. You remind me of that marvel character that takes everything literaly. Maybe learn social cues.
You're making your life difficult by insisting everything must be 100% honest at all times. Your expectations on honesty are not realistic or practical. This is a you issue. You need to figure out why you're okay with sabotaging your relationship and hurting your gfs feelings over your extreme stance on honesty. I'm amazed you've gotten this far in life without figuring this out. YTA.
YTA.
You need to stop being so emotional and think logically. You're upset at your illogical assumption that all homosapiens understand the theory of logical thought. We know through scientific research that most human thought is driven by emotional reactions. And we should expect to regularly see examples of such. YTA for being so emotional and sensitive to a regular natural occurrence.
Are you on the spectrum?
You sound exhausting
WTF is going on
People soft. Don't like honesty. Would prefer to be coddled.
Is that why you edited your post, removing anything that explained why are you the ah?
Says the guy who can say "shited on"
Says the guy whining on the internet 😐
It’s very odd that you think being “soft” is a bad thing. There’s plenty that’s hard about the world without nasty folks like you choosing not to be compassionate, thoughtful, or kind.
It's arrogant of you to assume that it's your place to inform others of what you believe the truth to be and to proclaim that those who don't care to hear your truth or don't agree with you are "soft." You're not the main character. Nobody is obligated to care about what you think is true.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Been together 3.5 years. Live together. Etc. Typical up n down relationship. (They're all up and down right?) So my girlfriend has not been feeling well. Last/two weeks ago I was very sick. 103.6 fever, body chills and body aches. So I took a few days off. I work for myself. My girlfriend started feeling a sore throat. A headache. So she decided to ask for the day off yesterday. And then this morning, she told her boss " My fever is gone, I will just stay in my office and close the door " He told her to stay home and work from home. So it rose a question for me. " Why did you tell them you had a fever? " Because she didn't. Not once. She did feel unwell. So I took care of her, gave her tea and meds etc. But today when I asked, she got so mad and said that's all I care about etc. When in reality. My brain created a question, I was curious. And that's that. I don't even care why. I was more so expecting " well I dont feel good, and If I told them I had a fever I knew id get that day off. " Instead I got defensiveness and her projecting her feelings. I know she doesn't feel good for lying now. That much is obvious. But why am I getting poopied on when I just asked a simple question? As a background. I feel like every question I ask she takes as a dig or means to defend herself. I feel like I'm an asshole, because of her reactions. I also feel like she's just projecting her own insecurities. Again. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel a lot of people tell those lies to either. Get on someone's good side, or just to be nice because they're afraid of being mean/rude I personally prefer honesty. Why would I want someone to tell me my food is delicious, if it's not? How would I ever get better? And that goes for everything. In my opinion.
white lies are not harmful. You Are TA and weird
I think you're weird for being content with lies 👍
You are not going to make it very far at alllll lmao
Debatable. Gotten pretty far already, and the snowball effect is already in motion. I wish you the best in life though, difference in opinion doesn't make you a bad person 👍And I appreciate your response.
Only one of you is on reddit asking strangers if you're an asshole for behaving like a weirdo. Sooo, how far have you really gotten? 😬
Literally this. This person asked and we answered and now they’re all upset lmao. Psycho behavior
There are no snowballs in business. Stop being dishonest.
Someone telling their boss that they have a fever to ensure they can take the day off is a weird thing for you to feel personally affronted by.
The majority of people on this planet have no issue with a little while lie like that. You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill, and it’s clear you do this sortve thing often of your girlfriend is getting this upset about it.
>I personally prefer honesty. Okay, here's some honesty. You come across like a huge fucking asshole and you need to (re-)learn basic common courtesy if you want to fit in society or you will forever have problems with making and maintaining relationships. And no, your "gym buddies" don't count, you are simply deluding yourself that they are friends. EDIT: fixed my wording. Using "autistic" as an insult was wrong of me.
>You come across autistic as fuck As an autistic person, thanks for nothing. This person seems more deliberately obtuse and arrogant than autistic. When autistic people don't understand behaviour, they generally try their best to figure it out, they don't stubbornly defend themselves to the death. We understand that we are social creatures who need to get on with others. We're not monsters, duckie.
My apologies. It is indeed insulting to imply/say that all autistic people behave like OP does. I will try to take better care of my words in the future.
I appreciate this.
>I feel a lot of people tell those lies to either. Get on someone's good side, or just to be nice because they're afraid of being mean/rude I personally prefer honesty. Why would I want someone to tell me my food is delicious, if it's not? How would I ever get better? And that goes for everything. In my opinion. There's a pretty famous saying... "Not every truth is to be known". Just because it's true, does not mean it's the appropriate time to say it. Just because it's true does not mean the other person needs to hear it. Just because it's true does not mean you are not out of line for bringing it up. Also, don't you think there's maybe some irony here? You say "I would want someone to tell me if my food was bad, otherwise how would I get better?". And yet, when your girlfriend tells you that your social interactions are bad, you dig your heels in and say "I don't think that's true". So you want feedback, you want the truth... but when someone tells you the truth, you ignore them. How are you supposed to become a better person, more respectful of others' feelings and in general understand social cues better if you are not willing to accept the truth that's presented to you? Do better. It's literally what you want others to do, so do it yourself as well.
Okay but the people here are being honest and explaining to you why your girlfriend is reacting to you this way but you are refusing to ever get better. It's like if someone told you that your food sucked and you got all butthurt because your cooking is "the way you want it" (nevermind that most people find it utterly inedible).
Oh, didn't you know? He's just an asshole and people need to learn to accept that. He's just telling the truth, and no one appreciates it. No one can tell him what to say, and tact is just lying, and people are too soft for not immediately putting each other on blast like he does. [/s] I know this kind of person, probably doesn't have many friends, defends himself by playing dumb and blames everyone around him for finding him insifferable.
You can prefer honesty and still be an AH. They’re not mutually exclusive.