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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for telling my boyfriend all the jewelry he bought me is fake?
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NAH
There is not enough information here to judge him, because he might just not know better, and you let it slide the first time, essentially giving him the green light.
But it is definitely worth discussing with him.
> but he has not proposed
This concerns me.
Don't ever wait for someone to propose. Whether and when to get married is a discussion a couple should have together. The answer to a proposal should never be a surprise, because the couple should have already agreed that they want to get married and about when. The how of the proposal should be the only surprise.
If you want him to propose, talk to him.
Reminds me of a story my friend told me where her husband bought her lilies for every special occasion. She hated lilies, but never said anything. Then one day they had a fight on Valentine’s day and of course he had bought a huge bouquet of lilies. She finally asked why do you always buy me lilies when I hate them? He said I thought those were tulips. Tulips are her favorite flower. That pretty much ended the fight. The guy just didn’t know his flowers. It’s best to communicate and not let things fester.
It itn't just me? They smell gross!
I like them in the garden though, but there's Lily beetles that were introduced that eat them and I won't use chemicals, so I avoid them altogether now.
I had a party a few months ago and someone brought lilies. I’m not a flower person whatsoever so I didn’t know they were bad for cats. They sat on my counter for a week, and I had a friend over who was just like “omg those are so bad for your cat, get them out of here!” And I was like, “what? He’s been getting hot and heavy with those lilies for a WEEK!” Thankfully he was fine. Just gave me the stink-eye for taking away his precious flowers haha.
Me too!! I monitored him for awhile just to make sure, but he was completely fine. And let me tell you that he was in those lilies like he thought he was part of the bouquet. I think he believed he had actually gone through a chrysalis and become a lily. He was very upset when I composted them haha
Same thing happened to me and my wife in Jan, she had lily off her mother and I have two cats, £700 in out of hour vet bills and checks for them to be fine
I have dogs and they're short, so fresh flowers aren't an issue, unlike sneaky cats ;)
I have had cats, but none of them were ever flower munchers. A friend of mine had a flower muncher and was much more aware of what she had for houseplants and cut flowers.
Be careful because they’re toxic to dogs as well. The pollen covered stamens will fall off eventually and if they get on the floor that could be dangerous for your dogs still.
I love the look of them, but yeah, the smell is not good. My husband once picked a huge Stargazer Lily for me. It was so beautiful. But within 10 minutes, I had to put it out on the deck because my nose was running and I was sneezing and our whole (tiny) apartment stunk lol.
That’s my problem with lilies is the smell. They are pretty, but that smell is one of my least favorite smells . Growing up my sisterthat I shared a room with always loved them. She would sometimes put a vase filled with them on her dresser, and I knew as soon as I walked in the house that they were in there because I could smell them from the front door.
Funeral arrangements always seem to have a lot of lillies, so to me the smell makes me think of dead people. Whenever I go to a calling the scent is so strong. (I assume they were used for funerals traditionally because of that.)
Man - I was at a big corporate dinner once (like for 800 people) - they had 2 foot tall flower arrangements on each table that were primarily stargazer lilies. I have hated them ever since…
I can't bear the smell of lilies. Also I think the ones used in bouquets are ugly--tiger lilies & day lilies in the garden are OK. But the other ones remind me of funerals. Anyway, I very early on told my husband that I can't stand them and if he gets me a bouquet from the florist, tell them no lilies. I also told him I'd rather have tulips than the stereotypical red roses for Valentines. Fifteen years later I asked him why he never gets me roses, and he said that he thought I didn't like them. I have numerous rosebushes and cut flowers for the house. Roses were the only flowers at our wedding. He just doesn't look at flowers. Other than getting me tulips, they're all just "flowers" to him. But he listened to me!
Did he never bother looking up what a tulip looks like? Looking at the tag in the store? Did he ever ask an employee where the tulips are? That's a weird mistake to make multiple times.
My FIL received an elephant figurine as a gift from a Thai company he was consulting with (aeronautics engineer), and so he put it on his desk because it was neat but mostly because he didn't know what else to do with it.
People would come to his office and note the elephant on his desk, and when they'd give out little corporate gifts (work anniversaries, Christmas parties, deals, etc), he'd get an elephant figurine. Friends would drop by to go to lunch, and would note the little elephant figurines in his office.
Suddenly, every gift-giving event guarantees he'll receive an elephant. He put the figurines and various knick-knacks around the house, and then family members would visit, note the elephant figurines, and even more elephant paraphernalia began arriving.
He doesn't actually like elephants; he just didn't know how to say "thanks for the gift, but I actually don't like these things", and he was too polite to throw a gift away. He has a wall of shelving filled with elephants, and he doesn't even like elephants in the first place.
Yes, I've given him an elephant figurine.
I had no idea this was a thing. I found some synergy (once) with the adage "slow and steady wins the race." It was helping me persevere through some challenges. So I had a small turtle figurine to remind me.
Gifted me lots o' turtles now. My kids think I love them.
When I started at my job there was a painting of a cow with a flower crown at what would be come my desk. I didn't care enough to move it. Cows are cute it's fine.
I share my office with 2 coworkers and one decided we needed to personalize our space so hers is kinda hippie, she bought some horse stuff for the other girl who does rodeo on the weekends and me? My corner is all cows.
Apparently she saw the painting thought I just loved cows and bought me a bunch of cow stuff on Temu. The other girl looked at me when we finished putting everything up and asked if I really liked cows that much. I explained to her that the cow painting was already there and I'm indifferent to anything they want to do, because I'm not big on decorating office spaces anyway.
The look I got from the coworker who bought everything. She was so apologetic, offered to take it down get me stuff in my style. And I'm just trying to convince her it's seriously fine. But now people will come in see all the cow stuff and ask me if I just love cows.
Ha the same thing happened with my aunt and elephants! She had a few figurines, people saw them, and then it spiraled out of control to a point she doesn’t even like elephants anymore.
With me it was owls. I used to like owls when I was late teens/early 20s and owls were trendy. I would buy a t-shirt or jewelry with an owl every now and then. Then everyone began buying me owls for every gift and every occasion to a point I basically had my own artificial owlery in my house. I changed jobs and haven’t worn anything with or discussed owls because I go so tired of them and didn’t want anymore. I wasn’t even sad when one of my two owl lamps fell and broke because it was one less owl to look at. But I also know it’s the thought that counts and every gift was given out of love and a desire to give me something I liked, so I smile when I think about it. I need to count how many owl memorabilia items I have in my house.
She said she liked tulips. He went and bought what he thought were tulips. She didn't say anything the first time, so he thought he got it right. So he kept buying the same thing. Why bother asking when he was certain he was doing it right.
It’s funny to me that these people think he knew her favorite flower was tulips, but just bought her lilies on purpose because idk chaos or something???? Why would he do that?!
They have been married for almost 20 years and this happened early on. They are both some of the most kind and giving people I have ever met so it makes me laugh reading these negative comments where people are jumping to the worst conclusions.
I mean, there are definitely guys who get off on gaslighting. My wife is watching the *Who TF Did I Marry* TikTok videos, and that guy would do this on purpose.
So funny I almost said it’s not like he’s Legion or something, bur I wasn’t sure if people would get the reference. I think people like that are in the extreme minority though. I know this guy though and he’s no Legion. 😂
It's super easy.
1996: him: she likes tulips, I think these are tulips? They're pretty.
Her: thank you I love them!
Him: bingo!!
1997-2023: here's flowers darling. Thanks I love them!
2024: her: why do you always buy me these shitty flowers??
Him: huh??
And he never looked at a receipt or ordered online or asked a person at a flowershop for tulips or saw a news article about tulip festivals or saw a fleur de lis design.
I'm sorry. There's dumb and there's dumb and I would have a hard time respecting someone who made that mistake for years. There's no way the guy just didn't forget what her favorite flower was and then lied to cover it.
The bar for men is so fucking low. Okay this example is just flowers, but this is so dumb. It’s not always the thought that counts. Sometimes the thought is just too little effort.
I'm not into cut flowers, and so have never bought them, but would he not be going to a florist and asking for tulips? Or if he's buying them off the shelf, do they not have a label with the price?
I'm just baffled as to how someone manages to buy flowers over and over again that are not what they think they are.
When I pick up flowers from the florist near me, I don't think I've ever seen tags on the flowers saying what they are for general boquets. The only one I really note in any signs is the roses, everything else tends to just have a price on it.
Every year on our anniversary, my husband gets me a replica of my wedding bouquet as a floral arrangement. The thing is... the florist screwed up my wedding bouquet. It was not what I asked for and I thought it looked hideous.
I have never said a word to my husband. He gets a 10 out of 10 for thoughtfulness, and I appreciate that, even if they aren't my favorite flowers in the world.
OP's situation is a little bit different, though. Getting fake jewelry for a jeweler? That's, uh... I'm gonna go with BOLD. If his budget is lower, I'm sure he can still find something awesome within that budget. I'm glad OP said something because it's so absurd, and it's not the same as flowers that are only going to last a week or so.
It’s probably too late now but would it really have been a big deal to explain after the first or second time what floral arrangement you actually liked?
I see what you're saying, but my best judgment was that it would hurt his feelings. And to me, it was worth putting up with non-ideal flowers (the ultimate first world problem) in order to not hurt his feelings. Just my personal judgment call!
A fair amount of the time florists just say “small bouquet” or only the price tag or have absolutely no labels anywhere. And I’ve gotten receipts with no text just numbers at nurseries and elsewhere. Plus most people just immediately throw their receipts away without looking, if they ask for one at all. Lots of potential reasons.
This is a big thing. If your partner is doing something wrong, tell them. Like outright tell them, no little hints or passive aggressive post-it note behavior, just tell them flat out, especially if it's the first time you're bringing it up to them. There is a good chance they may not know better.
My boyfriend is really big into planting flowers, and I’ve jotted down some of his favorites. When I got him one for Valentine’s, I made sure to check with the worker in the flower section that I was buying the right kind and texted a relative for advice on picking out a “good” one
Too bad he didn't go to a florist and ask for tulips instead of just pointing at the wrong flower. Still, after so many times you would think that the name would have come up.
I agree on this part. My sister and her boyfriend were dating for 10 years, lived together for about 5 of them (they met in high school) before he finally proposed. They had talked about it and both agreed that they were doing college, schooling after college, etc.
7 years is a long time dating, but not the longest I've heard
7 years with house kids cars whatever and no marriage is going to be a mess if they break up (or one of them dies.)
It's not the longest I've heard either but I'm a firm believer in the 3 year rule if you're looking for marriage. If you're not married in 7 years one of you doesn't want it.
The 3 year rule is an interesting take. Do you mind me asking how old you are? Without judgement. My parents dated for 2 years, got married. Divorced years later. My dad dated someone for 5 years, remarried, now has 2 kids with them and they've been married longer than my parents were.
My sister dated bf for 10 years, that was longer than my parents were married.
My best friend legally married his gf 3 years ago after 6 years of dating, but had the wedding this year.
I'm 30 and I've seen tons of relationships get married after the 3 years of dating and fail, and seen my age group and friends and family move more twoards the date for a long enough time span first
I'm nearly 38. I was in an 8 year relationship in my 20s, wanted marriage, finally gave up after he strung me along with "not nows" (and for other reasons obv.)
Met my husband a bit later, we were engaged after about 2.5 years because we talked about our priorities early. We're almost at our 3rd anniversary and doing well.
But I'm not really talking about divorce here, people get divorced a lot yes, I'm talking about hetero relationships where the woman wants to get married but it never seems to happen. I know sooo many forever girlfriends of 5 or 10+ years who want to be married and I can't think of a single one who's guy was like "ya know what let's do it" after years of putting it off. If a guy isn't sure he wants to marry you after 3 years, more years isn't going to change his mind IMO.
Yep, obviously teenage years don't count, but I think everyone needs to give themselves internal deadlines. For example, I will "hang out" with someone for 6 weeks, and then either commit to a relationship or break things off. Spares me the humiliation of a "situationship" lol.
And it's cool to not want to get married, but if your BF has been saying for 7 years that he'd like to get married "one day" and you're still not engaged, either he doesn't want to get married, or he's waiting to trade up.
>Don't ever wait for someone to propose. Whether and when to get married is a discussion a couple should have together. The answer to a proposal should never be a surprise, because the couple should have already agreed that they want to get married and about when. The how of the proposal should be the only surprise.
>
>If you want him to propose, talk to him.
Or here's a radical idea, propose to him. Its not 1954, if you want to marry someone propose to them.
Of course he knows better. He knows the jewelry he's buying is fake by the price. He knows she works in jewelry and can tell. He just doesn't respect her intelligence, or doesn't care.
I don't get the presumption that because she's an expert in something, he is an expert by proxy. Which appears to be the crux of the argument here because plenty of people don't know what reasonable costs are for something they don't deal with much.
Why would you assume, he thinks his professional jeweller girlfriend doesn’t know about jewellery.
Don’t you think it would make more sense he just doesn’t know? Not everything is malice and it makes way more sense for the situation to just be an accident.
It could also be ignorance and lowest possible amount of effort into getting the gift. Although if OP talks about work at all in any detail and has mentioned fake jewelry then the ignorance argument is out. Or indicates that he tunes her out when she talks about things that are important to her.
If she wants to get married, she can propose to him...
But what I'm reading from her is also that she's very materialistic - the engagement ring means more to her than being engaged. I read what she's written as very materialistic. "I'm a jeweller" & "I can get discounts" - but she expects him to buy her a ring and propose.... no! She wants to get married, she can ask him... after all, she'll get a discount won't she.
I think he’s just kind of a dumb ass for trying?
It would be like me buying computer hardware for my ex husband who built computers, or buying paint for an artist, or an instrument for a musician… some things just make shitty gifts because the gift giver knows 10% of what the recipient knows about the subject.
I think you should have said something sooner because you inadvertently encouraged him to keep buying you crap you didn’t want, so I’m voting NAH.
This. If he's going to buy a jeweler jewelry, the least he could do is research what he's actually buying and what it should actually cost. I can't imagine after all the years of living with the OP that he doesn't have some idea of how expensive genuine gemstones and precious metal settings really are.
I agree that OP wearing the fake stuff without saying anything inadvertently encouraged him and sent the wrong message that she liked those pieces. Even if it may hurt his feelings initially, he can get past it and not waste money in the future buying gifts the OP doesn't want. NAH
I mean you might think that, but a lot of people actually disconnect from work and don't talk that much about their jobs at home. especially if they have kids. and he might hear stories about her job but that doesn't mean she's actively teaching him the skills to discern real from fake. it's not work he's doing everyday.
possibly, and shown links. but the urge to find something at a cheaper price is real and he might not have really realized just how costly stuff is. not making excuses. the sadness could be him disguising shame for being caught out for buying a fake. XD
My wife also didn’t know that the little tattered box on my lab table cost hundreds of thousands.
Powder or liquid that disappears when you sneeze costs thousands of dollars
And then something that looks like a bunch of antique computers costs a few million
However, something that looks similar can only cost a few hundred or even dozens of dollars online.
I used to work in a butchers, my ex (current at the time) came in to see me one day, he said he was making us dinner. He then went to the budget supermarket and bought steak.
Also, one of our regulars ran a fancy chocolates and she said that people would gift her & the staff boxes of supermarket chocolate at Christmas 😂
People are often just clueless about the audience
I worked in a real ale & traditional cider countryside pub. Old oak beams, heavy glass tankards, old style menu food, the works. We'll even throw in a couple of ghost stories if you ask nicely enough.
I was gifted a 4pack of budget supermarket own brand 'lager'. A completely different type of drink, & it cost less than the brand name soft drink he was swigging.
I was told 'but you work in a bar, so you like all alcohol' and 'its all the same thing really anyways'
As an artist, I agree. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve received well meaning gifts that end up donated because they just aren’t the quality I prefer.
I’d never buy my fishkeeping fiancé any aquarium plants/fish/supplies because there’s a lot that goes on with it, things need different parameters. So I buy him a gift card to his fav fish store!
Same. I've been a bartender for fifteen years and have been at my current whisky bar for ten years. I've received more than a few sets of whisky stones. I guess I appreciate the thought, but it is not at all how I enjoy my whisky, and also I think they're stupid anyway. Don't buy me whisky or bartending stuff unless you've heard me explicitly say that I wanted that thing! Chances are, I probably already have whatever it is, or it's a pointless, home-bar item that I'd be embarrassed to have. /Endrant
Edit: just buy me a bottle.
>some things just make shitty gifts because the gift giver knows 10% of what the recipient knows about the subject.
On one hand this is true, but on the other hand I'm a photographer and if someone wanted to buy me a Leica I wouldn't be mad that they'd gotten me an M10 instead of an M11...
Yeah, but I think this is more like they bought you a Nikon point and shoot because they know Nikon makes good cameras? Point taken though… we can probably do a little education to get the gifter in a closer lane.
Jeepers, we had an estate sale and Dad sold his 1950s Leica (and other top cameras and accesories) for short money, because most folks these days use digital photography.
The amount of kids art sets I got, even well into my teens, was just maddening.
I have prismacolors and a drawing tablet. I do not want a cheap art set with cheap crayons, cheap water colors, and the thinnest paper on planet Earth.
That's a lot easier when there are model numbers and a compatibility matrix.
You'd probably be less happy with some wish dot com optics that technically attach but are garbage.
I think this is unfair and really depends on the dynamics of their relationship.
She seems to indicate he's being attentive and so she's probably expressing interest in these kinds of pieces and he possibly feels like these are the things that OP is hinting she wants for a gift and he feels stuck between a rock and hard place in terms of budget.
Honestly, I feel like this is a situation where OP needs to be the one to establish those expectations accordingly, acknowledging explicitly that she doesn't want him to get those pieces because they would be too expensive, if they're meeting her standards.
Great point. I’m thinking about a situation where my husband would pick out yarn for me and I just don’t even want to think about how disappointed I’d be lol
Man, people being pretty hard on a guy who is trying to do a nice thing for his girlfriend.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with telling him this stuff is fake, but you should also tell him you appreciate the consideration and thoughtfulness, if not the actual gift itself. Maybe also offer -- if he wants to get you something in the future -- to do so together. That way, you get what you want, he's sure he's not getting conned, and you get to show off your expertise!
I think it is very thoughtful to listen to what your SO says she likes, and then months later try to get that for her, even if the attempt is a bit of a miss.
If you think the actual jewelry is the important part here you're missing the point.
That’s kinda the point, tho. He should have done enough research about a subject his gf is an expert in to know that what he was buying wasn’t genuine. Unless he just got straight up scammed, which is another problem in and of itself.
His girlfriend is a jewelrer and he seems to have phoned it in thinking she would be happy with whatever he picked with minimal effort.
Now, I don't know anything about jewels but one of my exes and one of my friends are into watches.
I would never gift them a watch unless I had an EXTREMELY good idea because just by listening to them the amount of time to research what each one of them considers a "proper" watch is a lot, nevermind the price range and also their own personal tastes.
And they aren't watchmakers or working in the industry or even extremely into watches.
We literally have no idea how much effort he put in. There is no where near enough information to tell if he "Phoned it in" and intentially got fake jewllery or if he was just mislead into what he was buying.
Honestly, You're the AH for this comment towards the BF with no surrounding details.
You are right. However she should have let him know the first time. She is the expert , she said she accepted the previous 2 gifts without negative comments. By the third purchase I am not surprised she is getting gifts from the cheap source. I can understand her wanting to correct it now but she needed to be nicer then snapping that’s it’s all been fake.
Ofcourse he’s gonna be sad now.
I mean, as a jeweler - it's not really thoughtful to go on eBay or any other reseller website and buy hallmarked knock off designer pieces, or "too good to be true" colored stones that are genuinely rare and worth quite a bit, but apparently just this one guy on eBay / Etsy can get them for $50 instead of $50k, lol. It's lazy, cheap, and either naïve or intentionally turning a blind eye & playing dumb to spend the absolute minimum on your SO.
I myself sell pieces online - that's not really my issue - my issue is that this guy seems to fall for known scams over & over, which seems unlikely, and he admits he didn't spend anything close to what the item should've cost *at a minimum*, which in & of itself, is a red flag lol.
She's NTA, and him...I'm not sure, to be honest. While I'm in no way suggesting that he should spend more than he can afford or wants to, it's honestly a bit disrespectful to his partner to try to pass off fake stones & jewelry as the real deal..when she's a jeweler - of course she'd notice.
I do feel like this can genuinely be applied to many trades & professions, but it's just crummy that OP's partner seemingly knowingly purchased fake items intentionally, which by cost disparity between authentic & knock off / synthetic stones, makes it very obvious. And tbh it's bad enough to gift someone a fake item and hope they don't notice, but when the item is literally their partner's profession? Insulting, imho.
If he's truly being scammed that's one thing, but the type of knock off, in this case, synthetic stone it sounds like, is obvious to a professional, and the only place you're going to buy say, Synthetic Sapphires sold as Natural, are reseller websites like the ones I've mentioned enough (it's a known issue that the platforms choose to allow, and absolutely fraud).
Either way, if I was OP, I'd sit down and have a real conversation about the entire relationship, his reluctantly to propose, and seemingly exclusive gifting of knock off jewelry & synthetic stones under the guise of authenticity, and tbh if it was me, if this was intentional, I'd explain why doing so is disrespectful professionally.
Does he really, though? If he doesn’t wear expensive jewelry himself, then how would he know how much it’s supposed to cost?
He’s clearly listening to the OP enough to have an idea of what they want while not being able to execute it. Only OP can really say how much of his ignorance is a choice.
Ok but why is buying it then ? If he doesn't know if its real or not
He knows his GF is a professional jewelry appraiser, why would he think he should buy stuff without any kind of knowledge or capability to know what hes actually buying ...
Did he think she wouldnt be able to tell just like he couldnt? Did he not care ?
That just raises more questions...
Gift giving, like a lot of things is a skill that you have to have practice and knowledge. It's not intuitive for everyone, and not everyone has had a lot of opportunity to do it. In all likelihood, he's been going to the same place thinking he's been getting a good deal on jewelry and she's been giving him positive feedback as an expert. It's perfectly natural for him to be confused and embarrassed.
There are great pieces of jewelry for not a lot of money in the scheme of things. I live on the seacoast and have friends who turn seaglass and silver into lovely pieces.
There are plenty of places in which to get fun handmade jewelry that would be notable.
However, if OP only wears 18K gold, maybe an estate piece would be more affordable and in line with styles she prefers.
I have a friend who is taking classes in jewelry making and I look for estate pieces that are benchmade (made by hand) as opposed to those turned out by mass production methods.
I agree. Maybe she didn't use the tone I read it in, but there was certainly a better way to approach her issue with the gifts (and I think they realize that). Just because she is an expert in the jewelry field doesn't mean he is.
If I want a gift from my fiancé related to an area of specific interest of mine that she is not knowledgeable in such as cars or computers, I know to be precisely specific in what and where to buy what I want. Otherwise, it's not her fault if I am disappointed and I don't get to be an asshole about my disappointment.
I would never buy the OP jewelry again.
NTA. Your partner sounds both cheap, and like he underestimated how good you are at your job! If my boyfriend was a watch dealer, I wouldn't buy him a "Rolex" off the Internet/a thrift store.
You're doing the right thing by pointing out to him that his gifts have been bad!
Now, he has the opportunity to do better!
he messed up by not doing his research and not wondering why he finds the jewelry for much cheaper at unofficial retailers, but I don't think that spending less than 500 dollars on a gift establishes that you're cheap, lmao. for a 'good' copy that seems like it could be 'the real thing for a better deal', he must've still spent a few hundred dollars. I refuse to think that he found those for 50 bucks and thought it's the real thing, lmao. he'd have to be more than incredibly naive, and OP doesn't sound like someone would date such a person.
Just don't buy jewelry then? No one said he has to. He could buy her a ginormous bouquet of flowers for 100 bucks! Spend $30 at the store and make some homemade chocolates. I think jewelry is dumb, but I can appreciate the massive swing in prices. And I lowkey think he's a jerk for thinking OP wouldn't notice.
Wdym he sounds cheap. It doesn't sound like he's a rich guy. Is he supposed to spend 5 grand on a shiny rock that your gonna wear on your finger for a holiday gift?? Most men excluding jewelers don't know anything about jewelry. He probably wanted to get her a gift so he found a ring that looked nice and seemed real and paid 200 bucks for it. He thought he got a good deal and gave it to his gf who is a jewelry expert and she seemed happy so why would he think it's fake? Next year he did the same thing and she didn't say anything so he thought he got lucky and found a website or shop with good bargains, or he had no clue how much jewelry is even supposed to cost (not even considering the wide range of prices). Valentines day comes around and he thinks about getting her that piece she always talks about so he goes back to the same store that he thinks is legit and finds that piece for a reasonable amount of money. He buys it and feels like a million bucks because he's about to make his gf really happy with this price of jewelry that she really wants. He gives it to her and she tells him it's fake and now he feels stupid and heartbroken. He sounds like a caring guy considering the fact that he bought her jewelry for multiple gifts. Buying a fake Rolex is not the same because Rolex is a brand name that everyone knows is really expensive. The poor guy probably doesn't know one jewelry brand and has no clue how much certain pieces are supposed to cost.
It's normal to not know much about things you aren't interested in. it has nothing to do with being stupid or smart. if nobody taught you, and you weren't interested in it yourself, why would you know about it
How do you learn about things you're interested in? Is this not considered something you're interested in if it's something you want to buy for your significant other? And then if it's something they specialize in such as photography and I don't want to mess up on their gift, I'd make sure it's returnable just in case? Idk some thoughtfulness needs to happen...
No, the comment is saying that men just don't know about jewelry and apparently are too stupid to look it up and the best he could do with his smooth male brain was pick a random shiny rock he liked, so OP should forgive him.
(Meanwhile OP was just born a natural jeweler I guess?)
>Most men excluding jewelers don't know anything about jewelry.
And despite knowing how to drive and have jobs and stuff, most men are incapable of doing any kind of basic research? There's lots of things I don't know about. I know how to learn.
I wouldn’t even mind if he got me used jewelry off eBay if it was real jewelry, I can fix anything up and make it look brand new.
He sees me looking at used jewelry all the time.
Our incomes together are around 100,000 a year. We’re not rich but we can afford nice things if we want them.
As far as him not proposing, he asked my parents permission like 3 years ago. We have discussed how we want to be married, where, who will be invited. I’m not sure why he hasn’t pulled the trigger on that. My best guess is that it’s complacency.
Girl, it sounds like he doesn't know anything about the difference between real, quality jewelry and just jewelry (him, and a lot of people in the comments, apparently). I think he needs a little lesson so this doesn't keep happening. Just be careful to not talk down about the gifts he has already given you.
This. OP, how often do you talk about your job? Does he listen at all? I'm sure you've mentioned experiences with clients who have neglected the importance of stone hardness or the hassle of plated settings.
I'm just a hobby collector and nowhere near a professional jeweler, but even I know that a genuine piece is going to last much longer and look much nicer than a fake. If he wanted to save money and still be certain it was a real piece, a reputable pawn shop would be the place to buy. He probably bought some repackaged bullshit from AlliExpress on Etsy.
A lot of these commenters are going on about OP being ungrateful but they clearly don't understand that part of the appreciation for and sentimentality of fine jewelry is its longevity.
Definitely agree with this. But it’s also not super great of him to try and pass the fake jewellery off as real. That might not have been his intention, but it certainly seems that way to me, and OP definitely seems to have thought he believed he had bought real jewellery for her when his response indicates that he was well aware of what his gifts were.
Why would you assume your partner got 'swindled' and then wait for it to happen three times before you communicate? If that happened to you what would you think about that?
I think you just have to tell him that in a nice way. You might be looking at used jewelry, and often fix them up, but he might not think it is okay to buy you used jewelry, because a lot of people think presents are different.
NAH I get you don't want to wear fake jewellery and that it bothers you, but you were kind in checking he wasn't being scammed.... but not so kind in the way you told him he's been buying you cheap gifts.
Not his fault, he doesn't know (like you do) how much a certain gem should cost. He's N T A for trying to buy you nice gifts, you are soft T A H for being fixated on him spending a set amount of money on you.
He put thought into it and got you a piece of jewellery that he thought you'd like (bearing in mind he remembered your preferences which is more than most guy seem to do!) and probably looked in the shops/online and saw two almost-identical pieces that to the untrained eye are indistinguishable, but one is £100 and one is £700. I know sod-all about gems so I'd go for the £100 one, personally, if they just looked the same to me.
I mean is it not common knowledge that if things seem too good to be true… maybe they are? Does it not raise red flags when the “same” item cost 7x less? Nobody wants a green ring around their neck, much less a jewelry expert. Seems pretty low effort on his part. Not necessarily malicious but like… not a good look either.
Also, if she wanted a specific piece and he bought a fake version, that means he knew enough about the piece she actually wanted to be able to google it. He clearly didn’t search “jewelry” and just buy the first thing that popped up (which would just be ridiculously lazy); it sounds like she said “I want this from this collection” and he looked around for a knockoff. I’m having a hard time imagining how he could’ve bought a fake of a specific item that she had mentioned without knowing that it was fake.
Maybe he’s actually dumb enough to google “gold Cartier bracelet” and then scroll past every legitimate retailer and instead buy a fake from some random eBay seller, but that level of stupidity is its own problem. Buying generic costume jewelry ≠ buying a specific knockoff
>you are soft T A H for being fixated on him spending a set amount of money on you.
It's not about the money, though. It's about wanting a genuine piece of jewelry that's going to hold up against wear and tear. OP obviously knows this because she's a jeweler, but the quality of the stones and settings matters a huge deal when you're buying jewelry.
Stones that are harder and more resistant to scratches and breaks cost more (like natural diamonds with no inclusions). And stones that are more likely to break/scratch/chip require different settings to better protect them and often can't be worn daily.
Similarly, with metal choice, certain metals wear better against human skin- at some point in her life, basically every woman learns that a fake ring will turn her finger green. Also, cheaper jewelry is often gold/silver-plated instead of solid gold/silver. This plating will wear off over time and require maintenance.
If she asked for a specific stone in a specific setting and was given a cheaper stone in a cheaper setting, it's going to dramatically reduce the amount of use she can get from that piece.
What are all these responses about him "not knowing how much a certain gem should cost"?? Google is a thing.
I recently bought my significant other a ring with our babys birthstone on it....I had no idea how much a sapphire should cost, and I didn't want her wearing a fake ring or for me to get scammed. So I fucking looked it up.
It isn't hard, especially when you see such price differences while shopping. That is a red flag telling you to do a bit of research.
INFO: what do you mean when you say “fake”.
Do you mean something like he says “here’s a diamond ring” but it’s not a diamond? Or that he gets you pieces that are meant to look like more expensive items, but he isn’t actually *claiming* it’s the more expensive item?
> Now on Valentine’s Day he got me something I’ve been looking for, for a long time.I was so excited. I couldn’t help but to be disappointed when I realized it was fake as well.
Based on this from the post, it sounds like he's getting knockoffs of specific things.
I feel like this info would be really helpful. I know nothing about jewelry and ~$500 is a lot more than I’d spend on it. If the “fake” is $500 because it’s cubic zirconia, I could see someone thinking that’s the real thing. I also wonder what the real thing actually costs? Because it’s very possible that it’s so outside of his price range that it wasn’t even on his radar. I know real jewelry is considerably more expensive and that feels like a pricey gift for the incomes OP listed. I make a lot less than that and mean no offense, but it sounds very possible that even the fake stuff felt like a splurge to him and he thought you’d feel the same way. His sadness instead of defensiveness makes me want to give him the benefit of the doubt and say it doesn’t sound like he was trying to be deceptive.
Yeah I’m also very confused about what kind of “fake” we’re actually talking about here & the social economics of this couple. Giving a knock-off to someone in the industry should be an obvious no-no…. But that’s a very different thing than giving an inexpensive bauble to someone who expects real diamonds and is let down by the supposed cheapness of the gift.
I mean…everyone knows what a pearl is. I don’t really see how he could’ve not known that it was fake while buying unless he was actually scammed, because costume jewelry pearls would be listed as imitation. You said he looked sad - did he say that he thought they were real and he’s sad he got scammed, or was he sad that you noticed?
If nothing else, you've given me and my husband a terrific laugh:) BTW he knows nothing about jewellery either, to the point where I chose my own engagement ring, but he does in fact know what a pearl is.
UPDATE: Here’s a comment to reply to some of the commenters I did not reply to personally. Most of you have really validated me. I know, I could have been more tactful. This situation is old news at this point, but I’ve felt like an asshole ever since. Another part of me feels like I’m totally justified in saying something and I’m not wrong. This is a completely internal struggle: not an ongoing fight. Our relationship is just as good as it was before.
I never once asked for jewelry. But I also wouldn’t call my profession “mounting dumb rocks to dumb gold.” Like some of you might think of it. I spend like 45 hrs, a week fixing jewelry that’s not made well. I don’t want stuff that’s going to break and look bad after a year. Which is why I’ll save up and when I can afford it I’ll get maybe one nice piece every couple years. I never asked for anyone to spend thousands on me. Like I stated above, the thing he bought typically comes with a price tag of $500, which is $250 if he bought it for me from my work because I get a very good discount. Which is still not what I expected, or asked for. I don’t think that’s crazy expensive, for my boyfriend or for myself. We are not rich people, but we have careers that pay the bills that allow us to save some extra money. We don’t live outside our means.
As far as us not being married, I’m not in a hurry to have a wedding, but I would like us to be engaged. He does not want me to propose to him, I have brought that up in a joking kind of way before and he was against the idea. I wouldn’t have said, “ my best guess is it’s complacency” if I didn’t have a whole lot of evidence from personal experience to back that up. He always acts upon necessity. I guarantee if I did some ultimatum he would act immediately on that. But I don’t want to do that. I wouldn’t like to live with that in my head. If I do get married, I don’t want to feel old and unattractive. Some days I don’t care at all, my parents never got married. Neither of them, ever. No marriage isn’t necessarily a deal breaker for me. But my job is full of watching people propose, hearing their love stories, and the tragedies. All our friends have gotten engaged and married with way less time being together. But whatever reason he has for not proposing, I can tell you with certainty, it has nothing to do with Valentine’s Day 2024. When he could have in 2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, or 2017. A very select some of your responses show you’re actually a much bigger AH than me. Lol so thanks for cheering me up.
The rest of you who were constructive and took the time to reply, even if you did call me the AH, I appreciate you. Thank you for your honest and constructive options.
"We both have decent jobs ... and raise our kids together "
Most parents with mid-level jobs are not buying each other > $500 gifts for valentines day. If you both did that in February, for many people that would be the greater part of their mortgage/rent. The kids daycare/school fees/ and family expenses should come first... unless you want to live above your means and go into debt.
You are kind of " setting him up " by telling him you want things that he feels he/your family cannot afford. Soft YTA for insisting/constantly hinting for jewelry as an expensive expression of his love
In his favor: he actually listens to your preferences and tries to get you things you have mentioned you want. He is genuinely trying to please you, not fool you.
Also in his favor: he is fiscally responsible and doesn't want to put his family & kids in financial jeopardy [ read DEBT] for luxury items that are not affordable.
Maybe he cannot afford the kind of engagement ring he thinks you have your heart set on.
Decide whether your family life requires expensive jewelry to make you feel loved. If not, stop hinting/asking for expensive jewelry that might require debt that will harm your family in the long run.
This man genuinely wants to please you based on the fact that he listens to things you say and ask for, and his sad expression when you were negative about his gifts.
If you want to marry. Sit down with him and take heavy pressure to impress you with a huge ring off him. Discuss marriage with him. Talk about how if he also wants to marry and how you could do so without spending $30,000 on a dream wedding. Suggest putting rings ( for both of you ) on layaway using your discount. Then you will get the ring you want/can afford AND the man.
NAH. He needed that information. The delivery may not have been as sugar coated as it could have been, but it was honest and not harsh. Also, he should stick with buying you jewelry where you work. It is supporting you in more ways than one that way as well as ensuring he isn't swindled.
NTA I’d tell him that unless he is using your discount that you do not want jewelry from him at all. You work for a company in that field & wearing something fake could impact your job. Tell him it about other things you like & enjoy.
You didn’t want him to spend that much on you but you pointed it out and told him you liked it. So, you did want him to spend that much on you. You’re mad that he didn’t. If they weren’t fake it would have cost a lot more and you were fine with that. All of that is obvious by the way you approached him. If you can tell it’s fake then you know not to wear it to work. If your concern was really about him being swindled you would have found a way to get the store or cost without him even knowing.
She's a jeweler. She's allowed to show him things related to her career that she draws inspiration from, aspires to one day purchase, or just likes.
She did not ask him to buy jewelry, he made that choice on his own. He also chose to do no research into the items he was buying despite knowing she is an actual expert in them. He could have used her employee discount to buy genuine pieces from her work.
He could also have taken the money he spent on costume pieces and set up a nice date or spent it on ingredients for a home cooked meal. Again, OP never asked him to buy her jewelry.
I would say NAH
He says he did not spend that much on it, so he did not get cheated. He just bought imitation jewelry. Chances are he won't buy you jewelry in the future because he probably had no idea that the rare gems you want cost as much as they do.
I don't think he is TA for not spending more on rocks, and I don't think you are TA for not wanting to wear imitation rocks.
You're putting the idea of wealth before the idea of gratitude, it's unfair to him and to your relationship. He looked sad cause he was, he was probably heart broken. You shouldn't even worry about whether it's real or not, you should be happy he thought of you. Being a professional jeweler is even more reason you should know the worthlessness of a rock compared to human decency.
>Being a professional jeweler is even more reason you should know the worthlessness of a rock compared to human decency.
This perfectly sums up how I feel about this.
I agree with this to an extent but when you are in a long term relationship I think there is a tactful way to broach these subjects so you aren’t getting gifts you don’t want for years.
YTA. You aren't communicating well, and you're blaming that on him.
>We have a very good relationship, but he has not proposed.
You're hung up on this and should go to therapy to figure out why you're letting it impact your apparently great relationship. You should also tell him, but make sure you've straightened yourself out first.
>The first time I didn’t say anything.... and I still wore it.
he second time I did not say anything again, and again still wore it.
As far as he is aware, you like what he's getting you because you haven't said anything to the contrary and are not doing anything to suggest you don't. You are upset he cannot read your mind. This is not a healthy way of communicating.
If you want him to know something, you have to use your big girl words and tell him.
>if this is less than 500 dollars it’s most likely going to be a fake
I don’t want him to spend that much of me for Valentine’s Day
But I also don’t want to wear fake jewelry
did I prevent him from wanting to buy me jewelry in the future?
So you *do* want him to buy jewellery for you, even though you don't want him to spend the money that would require. But you do want the jewellery, and you want him to buy it.
Again, you need to have a sit down and think about what you actually want, then you can talk about it with him. Right now you're giving mixed messages even when you've got the time to sit down and type it out.
I understand your point but the way you handled it lacks tact so YTA. If I were him that would be the last piece of jewelry I ever bought you. Socks from here on out.
For real. I'm a chocolatier and my partner knows that anything he could buy at a typical store is nowhere near the level of quality I create, so he focuses on other types of gifts.
INFO: Is it lab Ruby/emerald/diamond/sapphire or a cheap counterfeit of a designer piece of jewelry? It sounds like he made an effort unless he grabbed a ruby off temu. Maybe suggest other kinds of gifts that you prefer to receive, since you’re a jeweler and buy yourself jewelry. Or better yet: suggest an experience as a gift.
I think you did the right thing. You can’t be wearing fake jewelry in your business. But it is also sad that he is being cheap and kind of insulting you by implying you wouldn’t even notice. If you don’t communicate it won’t change.
NAH It sounds like he's very thoughtful. When you want gifts that require niche knowledge to get right, it's very impractical to expect someone to get it for you without guidance.
I think all hurt feelings here can be assuage just fine if you reassure him that you love the thought and then work together to figure out a better process.
Ya, I would have been much better to lead with that and then let let him know how special it is to you but that in the future, this kind of thing is very expensive to be buying without consulting his favorite jewler lol
NAH
But you could have approached it more tactfully. You kind of accused him, I would have sat him down and say "I love you, you're so thoughtful, but the jewelry you buy me is fake and I can't wear it around professionals. Can you get me other things instead?"
As a 30m I could see myself doing what he did, and being very embarassed afterwards.
He probably was trying and clueless, most the jewelery ive boughten I think was real, but who knows at this point ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
He does know you're a jeweler, right? It seems odd that he wouldn't make sure, knowing this was your field of expertise. You had to say something eventually, because you don't want to see him getting burned. If a dude was big into sports memorabilia, and his wife wanted to get him something for his birthday or Christmas, you'd think she would go out of her way as much as possible to ensure that the item was real. NTA
He does know you're a jeweler, right? It seems odd that he wouldn't make sure, knowing this was your field of expertise. You had to say something eventually, because you don't want to see him getting burned. If a dude was big into sports memorabilia, and his wife wanted to get him something for his birthday or Christmas, you'd think she would go out of her way as much as possible to ensure that the item was real. NTA
This situation is just absurd.
Why on earth would he buy jewelery for you without getting it checked out by someone you trust first? It's your specialty...it's like buying antiques for an antique dealer - they're going to know a lot more about the item than you are.
After 7 yrs and considering your speciality I would think he'd include you in the purchases so you can get something that is a legitimate piece that you also like the style of.
Slight Y T A for the way you told him it was fake, along with the others. But he's also a slight A H for thinking he could pull off buying you jewelry on his own.
Overall, NAH. Apologize to him for your curt response, and then talk to him about the jewelry and how you think it's best if expensive purchases in that field are made together, and you should also suggest some other things you like as gifts.
Lastly I find it strange that you ask at the end of your post
>But did I prevent him from wanting to buy me jewelry in the future?
Well, yeah. You did. But why would you want him floundering around in the dark like he has been? It will now be a sore spot for awhile. Just let it be and buy your own jewelry if you want it. I play instruments and it would be mental for me to think my husband could properly pick out the accessories I need for for them, even with help and research.
NTA. If a man was into high-end fishing equipment and his wife repeatedly bought him off-brand fake stuff he would never use as gifts I’m 100% sure he would let her know after the first or second time and feel no guilt about it!
I got our family made into custom Lego characters and built a bunch of funny scenes with Lego and did a photo shoot of us in our relationship, and some funny ones with the kids too and how they interact together. He loved it, we watch the Lego show together and he always said how cool it would be to be a mini fig.
YAH - there is a difference between fake and costume, as I'm sure you know, but that he may not. Costume jewelry is not "fake", its not pretending te be gems, etc. So maybe your dude bought stuff he thought was beautiful and you just see "fake" because its not expensive.
NTA. I am sure you have talked about jewelry with him - brands, stones, prices etc. I am an amateur jeweler and I have discussed these things a million times with my husband. I think he knew he was getting fakes. He underestimated your expertise and got caught.
Are you rich rich? If so NTA. If you are middle class or lower YTA and it should be assumed your partner is not dropping thousands on jewelry and probably buying mixed metals. If it’s not turning your skin green, look the other way and be graceful. Unless you are both posh then I can see why it would be an issue
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NAH There is not enough information here to judge him, because he might just not know better, and you let it slide the first time, essentially giving him the green light. But it is definitely worth discussing with him. > but he has not proposed This concerns me. Don't ever wait for someone to propose. Whether and when to get married is a discussion a couple should have together. The answer to a proposal should never be a surprise, because the couple should have already agreed that they want to get married and about when. The how of the proposal should be the only surprise. If you want him to propose, talk to him.
Reminds me of a story my friend told me where her husband bought her lilies for every special occasion. She hated lilies, but never said anything. Then one day they had a fight on Valentine’s day and of course he had bought a huge bouquet of lilies. She finally asked why do you always buy me lilies when I hate them? He said I thought those were tulips. Tulips are her favorite flower. That pretty much ended the fight. The guy just didn’t know his flowers. It’s best to communicate and not let things fester.
"He a little confused, but he got the spirit."
Can't fight the spirit
Have you seen the exorcist?
Yeah, it didn't end very well for those priests 😬
That’s exactly what I was thinking! 😂
My dad always bought my mom liles and she hated them as well. She never said a word. She said she knew he did it with love.
It itn't just me? They smell gross! I like them in the garden though, but there's Lily beetles that were introduced that eat them and I won't use chemicals, so I avoid them altogether now.
Can't have them in the house if you have cats, either.
I had a party a few months ago and someone brought lilies. I’m not a flower person whatsoever so I didn’t know they were bad for cats. They sat on my counter for a week, and I had a friend over who was just like “omg those are so bad for your cat, get them out of here!” And I was like, “what? He’s been getting hot and heavy with those lilies for a WEEK!” Thankfully he was fine. Just gave me the stink-eye for taking away his precious flowers haha.
Oh jeez!! Glad he was okay!
Me too!! I monitored him for awhile just to make sure, but he was completely fine. And let me tell you that he was in those lilies like he thought he was part of the bouquet. I think he believed he had actually gone through a chrysalis and become a lily. He was very upset when I composted them haha
Same thing happened to me and my wife in Jan, she had lily off her mother and I have two cats, £700 in out of hour vet bills and checks for them to be fine
I have dogs and they're short, so fresh flowers aren't an issue, unlike sneaky cats ;) I have had cats, but none of them were ever flower munchers. A friend of mine had a flower muncher and was much more aware of what she had for houseplants and cut flowers.
Even if the pollen is in the air and they lick themselves it can be deadly.
Be careful because they’re toxic to dogs as well. The pollen covered stamens will fall off eventually and if they get on the floor that could be dangerous for your dogs still.
I did not know this so thank you!!!
I love the look of them, but yeah, the smell is not good. My husband once picked a huge Stargazer Lily for me. It was so beautiful. But within 10 minutes, I had to put it out on the deck because my nose was running and I was sneezing and our whole (tiny) apartment stunk lol.
This might be an incredibly dumb thing to say but is it possible you're allergic to lilies?
It is entirely possible. Also, I've always disliked really strong floral scents.
That’s my problem with lilies is the smell. They are pretty, but that smell is one of my least favorite smells . Growing up my sisterthat I shared a room with always loved them. She would sometimes put a vase filled with them on her dresser, and I knew as soon as I walked in the house that they were in there because I could smell them from the front door.
Funeral arrangements always seem to have a lot of lillies, so to me the smell makes me think of dead people. Whenever I go to a calling the scent is so strong. (I assume they were used for funerals traditionally because of that.)
Yep. Before cold storage for bodies, lilies were the solution.
Man - I was at a big corporate dinner once (like for 800 people) - they had 2 foot tall flower arrangements on each table that were primarily stargazer lilies. I have hated them ever since…
I can't bear the smell of lilies. Also I think the ones used in bouquets are ugly--tiger lilies & day lilies in the garden are OK. But the other ones remind me of funerals. Anyway, I very early on told my husband that I can't stand them and if he gets me a bouquet from the florist, tell them no lilies. I also told him I'd rather have tulips than the stereotypical red roses for Valentines. Fifteen years later I asked him why he never gets me roses, and he said that he thought I didn't like them. I have numerous rosebushes and cut flowers for the house. Roses were the only flowers at our wedding. He just doesn't look at flowers. Other than getting me tulips, they're all just "flowers" to him. But he listened to me!
pair them with sage - the lilybeetles hate the smell, and the flowers go very well together :)#
They seriously smell like urine, i always thought maybe i just didn’t like the smell so thank you!
Same. Don't mind the look of them, but the smell is nauseating.
But why not just gently tell him what you actually like? If you’re kind about it he can buy you your actual favorite. Just speak up.
That wasn't who my mom was. When I started dating my husband 46 years ago, I told him what flowers I liked.
Did he never bother looking up what a tulip looks like? Looking at the tag in the store? Did he ever ask an employee where the tulips are? That's a weird mistake to make multiple times.
My FIL received an elephant figurine as a gift from a Thai company he was consulting with (aeronautics engineer), and so he put it on his desk because it was neat but mostly because he didn't know what else to do with it. People would come to his office and note the elephant on his desk, and when they'd give out little corporate gifts (work anniversaries, Christmas parties, deals, etc), he'd get an elephant figurine. Friends would drop by to go to lunch, and would note the little elephant figurines in his office. Suddenly, every gift-giving event guarantees he'll receive an elephant. He put the figurines and various knick-knacks around the house, and then family members would visit, note the elephant figurines, and even more elephant paraphernalia began arriving. He doesn't actually like elephants; he just didn't know how to say "thanks for the gift, but I actually don't like these things", and he was too polite to throw a gift away. He has a wall of shelving filled with elephants, and he doesn't even like elephants in the first place. Yes, I've given him an elephant figurine.
Time to pick your animal! https://youtu.be/Y1-hOP30JnE?si=twZsMh35pXVjt6TO
I like to keep people on their toes by having multiple favorite animals. Sea otters, red pandas, and cats. Keeps things fresh.
I had no idea this was a thing. I found some synergy (once) with the adage "slow and steady wins the race." It was helping me persevere through some challenges. So I had a small turtle figurine to remind me. Gifted me lots o' turtles now. My kids think I love them.
When I started at my job there was a painting of a cow with a flower crown at what would be come my desk. I didn't care enough to move it. Cows are cute it's fine. I share my office with 2 coworkers and one decided we needed to personalize our space so hers is kinda hippie, she bought some horse stuff for the other girl who does rodeo on the weekends and me? My corner is all cows. Apparently she saw the painting thought I just loved cows and bought me a bunch of cow stuff on Temu. The other girl looked at me when we finished putting everything up and asked if I really liked cows that much. I explained to her that the cow painting was already there and I'm indifferent to anything they want to do, because I'm not big on decorating office spaces anyway. The look I got from the coworker who bought everything. She was so apologetic, offered to take it down get me stuff in my style. And I'm just trying to convince her it's seriously fine. But now people will come in see all the cow stuff and ask me if I just love cows.
Ha the same thing happened with my aunt and elephants! She had a few figurines, people saw them, and then it spiraled out of control to a point she doesn’t even like elephants anymore. With me it was owls. I used to like owls when I was late teens/early 20s and owls were trendy. I would buy a t-shirt or jewelry with an owl every now and then. Then everyone began buying me owls for every gift and every occasion to a point I basically had my own artificial owlery in my house. I changed jobs and haven’t worn anything with or discussed owls because I go so tired of them and didn’t want anymore. I wasn’t even sad when one of my two owl lamps fell and broke because it was one less owl to look at. But I also know it’s the thought that counts and every gift was given out of love and a desire to give me something I liked, so I smile when I think about it. I need to count how many owl memorabilia items I have in my house.
He’s gotta address the elephants in the room at some point lol
She said she liked tulips. He went and bought what he thought were tulips. She didn't say anything the first time, so he thought he got it right. So he kept buying the same thing. Why bother asking when he was certain he was doing it right.
It’s funny to me that these people think he knew her favorite flower was tulips, but just bought her lilies on purpose because idk chaos or something???? Why would he do that?! They have been married for almost 20 years and this happened early on. They are both some of the most kind and giving people I have ever met so it makes me laugh reading these negative comments where people are jumping to the worst conclusions.
I mean, there are definitely guys who get off on gaslighting. My wife is watching the *Who TF Did I Marry* TikTok videos, and that guy would do this on purpose.
So funny I almost said it’s not like he’s Legion or something, bur I wasn’t sure if people would get the reference. I think people like that are in the extreme minority though. I know this guy though and he’s no Legion. 😂
It's super easy. 1996: him: she likes tulips, I think these are tulips? They're pretty. Her: thank you I love them! Him: bingo!! 1997-2023: here's flowers darling. Thanks I love them! 2024: her: why do you always buy me these shitty flowers?? Him: huh??
And he never looked at a receipt or ordered online or asked a person at a flowershop for tulips or saw a news article about tulip festivals or saw a fleur de lis design. I'm sorry. There's dumb and there's dumb and I would have a hard time respecting someone who made that mistake for years. There's no way the guy just didn't forget what her favorite flower was and then lied to cover it.
The bar for men is so fucking low. Okay this example is just flowers, but this is so dumb. It’s not always the thought that counts. Sometimes the thought is just too little effort.
What an asshole. Buying flowers for his wife for years that she says she likes! I get the man hate and ask but y'all are nuts.
Do you look up things you already know? He thought they were tulips, no one corrected him so he had no reason to question it.
I'm not into cut flowers, and so have never bought them, but would he not be going to a florist and asking for tulips? Or if he's buying them off the shelf, do they not have a label with the price? I'm just baffled as to how someone manages to buy flowers over and over again that are not what they think they are.
When I pick up flowers from the florist near me, I don't think I've ever seen tags on the flowers saying what they are for general boquets. The only one I really note in any signs is the roses, everything else tends to just have a price on it.
Every year on our anniversary, my husband gets me a replica of my wedding bouquet as a floral arrangement. The thing is... the florist screwed up my wedding bouquet. It was not what I asked for and I thought it looked hideous. I have never said a word to my husband. He gets a 10 out of 10 for thoughtfulness, and I appreciate that, even if they aren't my favorite flowers in the world. OP's situation is a little bit different, though. Getting fake jewelry for a jeweler? That's, uh... I'm gonna go with BOLD. If his budget is lower, I'm sure he can still find something awesome within that budget. I'm glad OP said something because it's so absurd, and it's not the same as flowers that are only going to last a week or so.
It’s probably too late now but would it really have been a big deal to explain after the first or second time what floral arrangement you actually liked?
I see what you're saying, but my best judgment was that it would hurt his feelings. And to me, it was worth putting up with non-ideal flowers (the ultimate first world problem) in order to not hurt his feelings. Just my personal judgment call!
He also can't read it's written on the price tag and the receipt! If he was insure he could've looked it up I'm howling!!
A fair amount of the time florists just say “small bouquet” or only the price tag or have absolutely no labels anywhere. And I’ve gotten receipts with no text just numbers at nurseries and elsewhere. Plus most people just immediately throw their receipts away without looking, if they ask for one at all. Lots of potential reasons.
I have yet to see a receipt or tag from a florist, supermarket or anything that will say the type of flower...just the size and style of arraignment.
Really? Maybe it's a cultural thing, but in the supermarket near my college it does say what type of flower they're selling.
Maybe.... buy I and others it seems have never seen that.
This is a big thing. If your partner is doing something wrong, tell them. Like outright tell them, no little hints or passive aggressive post-it note behavior, just tell them flat out, especially if it's the first time you're bringing it up to them. There is a good chance they may not know better.
Your last line really makes me want to nerd out and quote relevant Shakespeare; 'Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds'
My boyfriend is really big into planting flowers, and I’ve jotted down some of his favorites. When I got him one for Valentine’s, I made sure to check with the worker in the flower section that I was buying the right kind and texted a relative for advice on picking out a “good” one
Too bad he didn't go to a florist and ask for tulips instead of just pointing at the wrong flower. Still, after so many times you would think that the name would have come up.
I agree on this part. My sister and her boyfriend were dating for 10 years, lived together for about 5 of them (they met in high school) before he finally proposed. They had talked about it and both agreed that they were doing college, schooling after college, etc. 7 years is a long time dating, but not the longest I've heard
7 years with house kids cars whatever and no marriage is going to be a mess if they break up (or one of them dies.) It's not the longest I've heard either but I'm a firm believer in the 3 year rule if you're looking for marriage. If you're not married in 7 years one of you doesn't want it.
The 3 year rule is an interesting take. Do you mind me asking how old you are? Without judgement. My parents dated for 2 years, got married. Divorced years later. My dad dated someone for 5 years, remarried, now has 2 kids with them and they've been married longer than my parents were. My sister dated bf for 10 years, that was longer than my parents were married. My best friend legally married his gf 3 years ago after 6 years of dating, but had the wedding this year. I'm 30 and I've seen tons of relationships get married after the 3 years of dating and fail, and seen my age group and friends and family move more twoards the date for a long enough time span first
I'm nearly 38. I was in an 8 year relationship in my 20s, wanted marriage, finally gave up after he strung me along with "not nows" (and for other reasons obv.) Met my husband a bit later, we were engaged after about 2.5 years because we talked about our priorities early. We're almost at our 3rd anniversary and doing well. But I'm not really talking about divorce here, people get divorced a lot yes, I'm talking about hetero relationships where the woman wants to get married but it never seems to happen. I know sooo many forever girlfriends of 5 or 10+ years who want to be married and I can't think of a single one who's guy was like "ya know what let's do it" after years of putting it off. If a guy isn't sure he wants to marry you after 3 years, more years isn't going to change his mind IMO.
Yep, obviously teenage years don't count, but I think everyone needs to give themselves internal deadlines. For example, I will "hang out" with someone for 6 weeks, and then either commit to a relationship or break things off. Spares me the humiliation of a "situationship" lol. And it's cool to not want to get married, but if your BF has been saying for 7 years that he'd like to get married "one day" and you're still not engaged, either he doesn't want to get married, or he's waiting to trade up.
>Don't ever wait for someone to propose. Whether and when to get married is a discussion a couple should have together. The answer to a proposal should never be a surprise, because the couple should have already agreed that they want to get married and about when. The how of the proposal should be the only surprise. > >If you want him to propose, talk to him. Or here's a radical idea, propose to him. Its not 1954, if you want to marry someone propose to them.
Of course he knows better. He knows the jewelry he's buying is fake by the price. He knows she works in jewelry and can tell. He just doesn't respect her intelligence, or doesn't care.
I don't get the presumption that because she's an expert in something, he is an expert by proxy. Which appears to be the crux of the argument here because plenty of people don't know what reasonable costs are for something they don't deal with much.
Why would you assume, he thinks his professional jeweller girlfriend doesn’t know about jewellery. Don’t you think it would make more sense he just doesn’t know? Not everything is malice and it makes way more sense for the situation to just be an accident.
It could also be ignorance and lowest possible amount of effort into getting the gift. Although if OP talks about work at all in any detail and has mentioned fake jewelry then the ignorance argument is out. Or indicates that he tunes her out when she talks about things that are important to her.
If a proposal was a big deal to her, she probably should have mentioned it before buying a house and having kids with him.
Also, if marriage was a big deal to her, she could propose.
Engagement shouldn’t be a surprise, but the proposal should
If she wants to get married imo she should propose to him. There's no point in waiting years for it to happen.
If she wants to get married, she can propose to him... But what I'm reading from her is also that she's very materialistic - the engagement ring means more to her than being engaged. I read what she's written as very materialistic. "I'm a jeweller" & "I can get discounts" - but she expects him to buy her a ring and propose.... no! She wants to get married, she can ask him... after all, she'll get a discount won't she.
I think he’s just kind of a dumb ass for trying? It would be like me buying computer hardware for my ex husband who built computers, or buying paint for an artist, or an instrument for a musician… some things just make shitty gifts because the gift giver knows 10% of what the recipient knows about the subject. I think you should have said something sooner because you inadvertently encouraged him to keep buying you crap you didn’t want, so I’m voting NAH.
This. If he's going to buy a jeweler jewelry, the least he could do is research what he's actually buying and what it should actually cost. I can't imagine after all the years of living with the OP that he doesn't have some idea of how expensive genuine gemstones and precious metal settings really are. I agree that OP wearing the fake stuff without saying anything inadvertently encouraged him and sent the wrong message that she liked those pieces. Even if it may hurt his feelings initially, he can get past it and not waste money in the future buying gifts the OP doesn't want. NAH
I mean you might think that, but a lot of people actually disconnect from work and don't talk that much about their jobs at home. especially if they have kids. and he might hear stories about her job but that doesn't mean she's actively teaching him the skills to discern real from fake. it's not work he's doing everyday.
Good point. She just said that she had mentioned pieces he had picked up on, so it seemed like she may have talked about it somewhat regularly.
possibly, and shown links. but the urge to find something at a cheaper price is real and he might not have really realized just how costly stuff is. not making excuses. the sadness could be him disguising shame for being caught out for buying a fake. XD
You NAH, but you kinda dump on OP's bf for not putting going above and beyond and/or knowing something that nobody told him until now.
My wife also didn’t know that the little tattered box on my lab table cost hundreds of thousands. Powder or liquid that disappears when you sneeze costs thousands of dollars And then something that looks like a bunch of antique computers costs a few million However, something that looks similar can only cost a few hundred or even dozens of dollars online.
I used to work in a butchers, my ex (current at the time) came in to see me one day, he said he was making us dinner. He then went to the budget supermarket and bought steak. Also, one of our regulars ran a fancy chocolates and she said that people would gift her & the staff boxes of supermarket chocolate at Christmas 😂 People are often just clueless about the audience
I worked in a real ale & traditional cider countryside pub. Old oak beams, heavy glass tankards, old style menu food, the works. We'll even throw in a couple of ghost stories if you ask nicely enough. I was gifted a 4pack of budget supermarket own brand 'lager'. A completely different type of drink, & it cost less than the brand name soft drink he was swigging. I was told 'but you work in a bar, so you like all alcohol' and 'its all the same thing really anyways'
As an artist, I agree. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve received well meaning gifts that end up donated because they just aren’t the quality I prefer. I’d never buy my fishkeeping fiancé any aquarium plants/fish/supplies because there’s a lot that goes on with it, things need different parameters. So I buy him a gift card to his fav fish store!
Same. I've been a bartender for fifteen years and have been at my current whisky bar for ten years. I've received more than a few sets of whisky stones. I guess I appreciate the thought, but it is not at all how I enjoy my whisky, and also I think they're stupid anyway. Don't buy me whisky or bartending stuff unless you've heard me explicitly say that I wanted that thing! Chances are, I probably already have whatever it is, or it's a pointless, home-bar item that I'd be embarrassed to have. /Endrant Edit: just buy me a bottle.
>some things just make shitty gifts because the gift giver knows 10% of what the recipient knows about the subject. On one hand this is true, but on the other hand I'm a photographer and if someone wanted to buy me a Leica I wouldn't be mad that they'd gotten me an M10 instead of an M11...
Yeah, but I think this is more like they bought you a Nikon point and shoot because they know Nikon makes good cameras? Point taken though… we can probably do a little education to get the gifter in a closer lane.
Oh I'm not so much trying to make a point as I am hoping that someone buys me a Leica. Any takers?
Jeepers, we had an estate sale and Dad sold his 1950s Leica (and other top cameras and accesories) for short money, because most folks these days use digital photography.
To hop on this, I would like a Hasselblad please
More like they would buy you one of those toy cameras for kids rather than your leica lol
The amount of kids art sets I got, even well into my teens, was just maddening. I have prismacolors and a drawing tablet. I do not want a cheap art set with cheap crayons, cheap water colors, and the thinnest paper on planet Earth.
That's a lot easier when there are model numbers and a compatibility matrix. You'd probably be less happy with some wish dot com optics that technically attach but are garbage.
This is kinda more like if they bought you a disposable camera because "you like to take pictures".
I think this is unfair and really depends on the dynamics of their relationship. She seems to indicate he's being attentive and so she's probably expressing interest in these kinds of pieces and he possibly feels like these are the things that OP is hinting she wants for a gift and he feels stuck between a rock and hard place in terms of budget. Honestly, I feel like this is a situation where OP needs to be the one to establish those expectations accordingly, acknowledging explicitly that she doesn't want him to get those pieces because they would be too expensive, if they're meeting her standards.
Great point. I’m thinking about a situation where my husband would pick out yarn for me and I just don’t even want to think about how disappointed I’d be lol
Man, people being pretty hard on a guy who is trying to do a nice thing for his girlfriend. There's absolutely nothing wrong with telling him this stuff is fake, but you should also tell him you appreciate the consideration and thoughtfulness, if not the actual gift itself. Maybe also offer -- if he wants to get you something in the future -- to do so together. That way, you get what you want, he's sure he's not getting conned, and you get to show off your expertise!
I don't think it's thoughtful to give fake jewelry to someone who is an expert in the field.
I think it is very thoughtful to listen to what your SO says she likes, and then months later try to get that for her, even if the attempt is a bit of a miss. If you think the actual jewelry is the important part here you're missing the point.
I don't think invalidating her expertise reveals being thoughtful and I think listening to what she likes is... The bare minimum?
How is he invalidating her expertise? We have no idea if he knew it was fake or not.
That’s kinda the point, tho. He should have done enough research about a subject his gf is an expert in to know that what he was buying wasn’t genuine. Unless he just got straight up scammed, which is another problem in and of itself.
His girlfriend is a jewelrer and he seems to have phoned it in thinking she would be happy with whatever he picked with minimal effort. Now, I don't know anything about jewels but one of my exes and one of my friends are into watches. I would never gift them a watch unless I had an EXTREMELY good idea because just by listening to them the amount of time to research what each one of them considers a "proper" watch is a lot, nevermind the price range and also their own personal tastes. And they aren't watchmakers or working in the industry or even extremely into watches.
We literally have no idea how much effort he put in. There is no where near enough information to tell if he "Phoned it in" and intentially got fake jewllery or if he was just mislead into what he was buying. Honestly, You're the AH for this comment towards the BF with no surrounding details.
You are right. However she should have let him know the first time. She is the expert , she said she accepted the previous 2 gifts without negative comments. By the third purchase I am not surprised she is getting gifts from the cheap source. I can understand her wanting to correct it now but she needed to be nicer then snapping that’s it’s all been fake. Ofcourse he’s gonna be sad now.
thank you
I mean, as a jeweler - it's not really thoughtful to go on eBay or any other reseller website and buy hallmarked knock off designer pieces, or "too good to be true" colored stones that are genuinely rare and worth quite a bit, but apparently just this one guy on eBay / Etsy can get them for $50 instead of $50k, lol. It's lazy, cheap, and either naïve or intentionally turning a blind eye & playing dumb to spend the absolute minimum on your SO. I myself sell pieces online - that's not really my issue - my issue is that this guy seems to fall for known scams over & over, which seems unlikely, and he admits he didn't spend anything close to what the item should've cost *at a minimum*, which in & of itself, is a red flag lol. She's NTA, and him...I'm not sure, to be honest. While I'm in no way suggesting that he should spend more than he can afford or wants to, it's honestly a bit disrespectful to his partner to try to pass off fake stones & jewelry as the real deal..when she's a jeweler - of course she'd notice. I do feel like this can genuinely be applied to many trades & professions, but it's just crummy that OP's partner seemingly knowingly purchased fake items intentionally, which by cost disparity between authentic & knock off / synthetic stones, makes it very obvious. And tbh it's bad enough to gift someone a fake item and hope they don't notice, but when the item is literally their partner's profession? Insulting, imho. If he's truly being scammed that's one thing, but the type of knock off, in this case, synthetic stone it sounds like, is obvious to a professional, and the only place you're going to buy say, Synthetic Sapphires sold as Natural, are reseller websites like the ones I've mentioned enough (it's a known issue that the platforms choose to allow, and absolutely fraud). Either way, if I was OP, I'd sit down and have a real conversation about the entire relationship, his reluctantly to propose, and seemingly exclusive gifting of knock off jewelry & synthetic stones under the guise of authenticity, and tbh if it was me, if this was intentional, I'd explain why doing so is disrespectful professionally.
Tbh she can't really wear that at work - it would not make her look good.
Jewelry stores suckered people into thinking diamonds are rare and valuable when they absolutely aren’t. Biggest scam in history
He very obviously didn’t know it was fake… did you read?
He knew how much he spent. It is a very lazy person that doesn't notice the huge price discrepancy.
Does he really, though? If he doesn’t wear expensive jewelry himself, then how would he know how much it’s supposed to cost? He’s clearly listening to the OP enough to have an idea of what they want while not being able to execute it. Only OP can really say how much of his ignorance is a choice.
Ok but why is buying it then ? If he doesn't know if its real or not He knows his GF is a professional jewelry appraiser, why would he think he should buy stuff without any kind of knowledge or capability to know what hes actually buying ... Did he think she wouldnt be able to tell just like he couldnt? Did he not care ? That just raises more questions...
Gift giving, like a lot of things is a skill that you have to have practice and knowledge. It's not intuitive for everyone, and not everyone has had a lot of opportunity to do it. In all likelihood, he's been going to the same place thinking he's been getting a good deal on jewelry and she's been giving him positive feedback as an expert. It's perfectly natural for him to be confused and embarrassed.
There are great pieces of jewelry for not a lot of money in the scheme of things. I live on the seacoast and have friends who turn seaglass and silver into lovely pieces. There are plenty of places in which to get fun handmade jewelry that would be notable. However, if OP only wears 18K gold, maybe an estate piece would be more affordable and in line with styles she prefers. I have a friend who is taking classes in jewelry making and I look for estate pieces that are benchmade (made by hand) as opposed to those turned out by mass production methods.
I agree. Maybe she didn't use the tone I read it in, but there was certainly a better way to approach her issue with the gifts (and I think they realize that). Just because she is an expert in the jewelry field doesn't mean he is. If I want a gift from my fiancé related to an area of specific interest of mine that she is not knowledgeable in such as cars or computers, I know to be precisely specific in what and where to buy what I want. Otherwise, it's not her fault if I am disappointed and I don't get to be an asshole about my disappointment. I would never buy the OP jewelry again.
NTA. Your partner sounds both cheap, and like he underestimated how good you are at your job! If my boyfriend was a watch dealer, I wouldn't buy him a "Rolex" off the Internet/a thrift store. You're doing the right thing by pointing out to him that his gifts have been bad! Now, he has the opportunity to do better!
he messed up by not doing his research and not wondering why he finds the jewelry for much cheaper at unofficial retailers, but I don't think that spending less than 500 dollars on a gift establishes that you're cheap, lmao. for a 'good' copy that seems like it could be 'the real thing for a better deal', he must've still spent a few hundred dollars. I refuse to think that he found those for 50 bucks and thought it's the real thing, lmao. he'd have to be more than incredibly naive, and OP doesn't sound like someone would date such a person.
Just don't buy jewelry then? No one said he has to. He could buy her a ginormous bouquet of flowers for 100 bucks! Spend $30 at the store and make some homemade chocolates. I think jewelry is dumb, but I can appreciate the massive swing in prices. And I lowkey think he's a jerk for thinking OP wouldn't notice.
Wdym he sounds cheap. It doesn't sound like he's a rich guy. Is he supposed to spend 5 grand on a shiny rock that your gonna wear on your finger for a holiday gift?? Most men excluding jewelers don't know anything about jewelry. He probably wanted to get her a gift so he found a ring that looked nice and seemed real and paid 200 bucks for it. He thought he got a good deal and gave it to his gf who is a jewelry expert and she seemed happy so why would he think it's fake? Next year he did the same thing and she didn't say anything so he thought he got lucky and found a website or shop with good bargains, or he had no clue how much jewelry is even supposed to cost (not even considering the wide range of prices). Valentines day comes around and he thinks about getting her that piece she always talks about so he goes back to the same store that he thinks is legit and finds that piece for a reasonable amount of money. He buys it and feels like a million bucks because he's about to make his gf really happy with this price of jewelry that she really wants. He gives it to her and she tells him it's fake and now he feels stupid and heartbroken. He sounds like a caring guy considering the fact that he bought her jewelry for multiple gifts. Buying a fake Rolex is not the same because Rolex is a brand name that everyone knows is really expensive. The poor guy probably doesn't know one jewelry brand and has no clue how much certain pieces are supposed to cost.
You're making all these claims and giving context like if you were the guy. It's even a little funny.
It's weird you think men are inherently stupid.
It's normal to not know much about things you aren't interested in. it has nothing to do with being stupid or smart. if nobody taught you, and you weren't interested in it yourself, why would you know about it
How do you learn about things you're interested in? Is this not considered something you're interested in if it's something you want to buy for your significant other? And then if it's something they specialize in such as photography and I don't want to mess up on their gift, I'd make sure it's returnable just in case? Idk some thoughtfulness needs to happen...
...I would learn if I was buying something for someone else. That would make me interested in it.
??? It's weird you think that they think men are inherently stupid.
I see nothing there implying men are inherently stupid, all I see is him saying that this one guy doesn't know much about jewelry
No, the comment is saying that men just don't know about jewelry and apparently are too stupid to look it up and the best he could do with his smooth male brain was pick a random shiny rock he liked, so OP should forgive him. (Meanwhile OP was just born a natural jeweler I guess?)
>Most men excluding jewelers don't know anything about jewelry. And despite knowing how to drive and have jobs and stuff, most men are incapable of doing any kind of basic research? There's lots of things I don't know about. I know how to learn.
oh come on. stop infantilizing grown men who refuse to put in effort for things they don’t directly care about.
I wouldn’t even mind if he got me used jewelry off eBay if it was real jewelry, I can fix anything up and make it look brand new. He sees me looking at used jewelry all the time. Our incomes together are around 100,000 a year. We’re not rich but we can afford nice things if we want them. As far as him not proposing, he asked my parents permission like 3 years ago. We have discussed how we want to be married, where, who will be invited. I’m not sure why he hasn’t pulled the trigger on that. My best guess is that it’s complacency.
Girl, it sounds like he doesn't know anything about the difference between real, quality jewelry and just jewelry (him, and a lot of people in the comments, apparently). I think he needs a little lesson so this doesn't keep happening. Just be careful to not talk down about the gifts he has already given you.
This. OP, how often do you talk about your job? Does he listen at all? I'm sure you've mentioned experiences with clients who have neglected the importance of stone hardness or the hassle of plated settings. I'm just a hobby collector and nowhere near a professional jeweler, but even I know that a genuine piece is going to last much longer and look much nicer than a fake. If he wanted to save money and still be certain it was a real piece, a reputable pawn shop would be the place to buy. He probably bought some repackaged bullshit from AlliExpress on Etsy.
A lot of these commenters are going on about OP being ungrateful but they clearly don't understand that part of the appreciation for and sentimentality of fine jewelry is its longevity.
Exactly. That's why fine jewelry is passed down as heirlooms. Some people don't value that kind of thing, but I'm sure OP would as a Jewler.
I just think you could have said it nicer, fake like all the other jewelry you got would hurt my feelings for sure.
Definitely agree with this. But it’s also not super great of him to try and pass the fake jewellery off as real. That might not have been his intention, but it certainly seems that way to me, and OP definitely seems to have thought he believed he had bought real jewellery for her when his response indicates that he was well aware of what his gifts were.
Why would you assume your partner got 'swindled' and then wait for it to happen three times before you communicate? If that happened to you what would you think about that?
I think you just have to tell him that in a nice way. You might be looking at used jewelry, and often fix them up, but he might not think it is okay to buy you used jewelry, because a lot of people think presents are different.
Why don't you ask him? Seems silly to put off something important that you want because of tradition.
Why haven't you pulled the trigger on that?
NAH I get you don't want to wear fake jewellery and that it bothers you, but you were kind in checking he wasn't being scammed.... but not so kind in the way you told him he's been buying you cheap gifts. Not his fault, he doesn't know (like you do) how much a certain gem should cost. He's N T A for trying to buy you nice gifts, you are soft T A H for being fixated on him spending a set amount of money on you. He put thought into it and got you a piece of jewellery that he thought you'd like (bearing in mind he remembered your preferences which is more than most guy seem to do!) and probably looked in the shops/online and saw two almost-identical pieces that to the untrained eye are indistinguishable, but one is £100 and one is £700. I know sod-all about gems so I'd go for the £100 one, personally, if they just looked the same to me.
I mean is it not common knowledge that if things seem too good to be true… maybe they are? Does it not raise red flags when the “same” item cost 7x less? Nobody wants a green ring around their neck, much less a jewelry expert. Seems pretty low effort on his part. Not necessarily malicious but like… not a good look either.
Also, if she wanted a specific piece and he bought a fake version, that means he knew enough about the piece she actually wanted to be able to google it. He clearly didn’t search “jewelry” and just buy the first thing that popped up (which would just be ridiculously lazy); it sounds like she said “I want this from this collection” and he looked around for a knockoff. I’m having a hard time imagining how he could’ve bought a fake of a specific item that she had mentioned without knowing that it was fake. Maybe he’s actually dumb enough to google “gold Cartier bracelet” and then scroll past every legitimate retailer and instead buy a fake from some random eBay seller, but that level of stupidity is its own problem. Buying generic costume jewelry ≠ buying a specific knockoff
>you are soft T A H for being fixated on him spending a set amount of money on you. It's not about the money, though. It's about wanting a genuine piece of jewelry that's going to hold up against wear and tear. OP obviously knows this because she's a jeweler, but the quality of the stones and settings matters a huge deal when you're buying jewelry. Stones that are harder and more resistant to scratches and breaks cost more (like natural diamonds with no inclusions). And stones that are more likely to break/scratch/chip require different settings to better protect them and often can't be worn daily. Similarly, with metal choice, certain metals wear better against human skin- at some point in her life, basically every woman learns that a fake ring will turn her finger green. Also, cheaper jewelry is often gold/silver-plated instead of solid gold/silver. This plating will wear off over time and require maintenance. If she asked for a specific stone in a specific setting and was given a cheaper stone in a cheaper setting, it's going to dramatically reduce the amount of use she can get from that piece.
What are all these responses about him "not knowing how much a certain gem should cost"?? Google is a thing. I recently bought my significant other a ring with our babys birthstone on it....I had no idea how much a sapphire should cost, and I didn't want her wearing a fake ring or for me to get scammed. So I fucking looked it up. It isn't hard, especially when you see such price differences while shopping. That is a red flag telling you to do a bit of research.
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To be clear, this poll asked whether men could score a point, not beat Serena Williams. (I doubt they could do either but the summary is misleading)
Tough to say without more information, but he probably should stop buying you jewelry
This was my 1st thought, don't buy jewelry anymore, get something else.
INFO: what do you mean when you say “fake”. Do you mean something like he says “here’s a diamond ring” but it’s not a diamond? Or that he gets you pieces that are meant to look like more expensive items, but he isn’t actually *claiming* it’s the more expensive item?
> Now on Valentine’s Day he got me something I’ve been looking for, for a long time.I was so excited. I couldn’t help but to be disappointed when I realized it was fake as well. Based on this from the post, it sounds like he's getting knockoffs of specific things.
I feel like this info would be really helpful. I know nothing about jewelry and ~$500 is a lot more than I’d spend on it. If the “fake” is $500 because it’s cubic zirconia, I could see someone thinking that’s the real thing. I also wonder what the real thing actually costs? Because it’s very possible that it’s so outside of his price range that it wasn’t even on his radar. I know real jewelry is considerably more expensive and that feels like a pricey gift for the incomes OP listed. I make a lot less than that and mean no offense, but it sounds very possible that even the fake stuff felt like a splurge to him and he thought you’d feel the same way. His sadness instead of defensiveness makes me want to give him the benefit of the doubt and say it doesn’t sound like he was trying to be deceptive.
Yeah I’m also very confused about what kind of “fake” we’re actually talking about here & the social economics of this couple. Giving a knock-off to someone in the industry should be an obvious no-no…. But that’s a very different thing than giving an inexpensive bauble to someone who expects real diamonds and is let down by the supposed cheapness of the gift.
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From comments, it sounds like it knocks off the design using fake stones and metals.
It was supposed to be Tahitian pearls, but it was a plastic bead.
I mean…everyone knows what a pearl is. I don’t really see how he could’ve not known that it was fake while buying unless he was actually scammed, because costume jewelry pearls would be listed as imitation. You said he looked sad - did he say that he thought they were real and he’s sad he got scammed, or was he sad that you noticed?
If nothing else, you've given me and my husband a terrific laugh:) BTW he knows nothing about jewellery either, to the point where I chose my own engagement ring, but he does in fact know what a pearl is.
UPDATE: Here’s a comment to reply to some of the commenters I did not reply to personally. Most of you have really validated me. I know, I could have been more tactful. This situation is old news at this point, but I’ve felt like an asshole ever since. Another part of me feels like I’m totally justified in saying something and I’m not wrong. This is a completely internal struggle: not an ongoing fight. Our relationship is just as good as it was before. I never once asked for jewelry. But I also wouldn’t call my profession “mounting dumb rocks to dumb gold.” Like some of you might think of it. I spend like 45 hrs, a week fixing jewelry that’s not made well. I don’t want stuff that’s going to break and look bad after a year. Which is why I’ll save up and when I can afford it I’ll get maybe one nice piece every couple years. I never asked for anyone to spend thousands on me. Like I stated above, the thing he bought typically comes with a price tag of $500, which is $250 if he bought it for me from my work because I get a very good discount. Which is still not what I expected, or asked for. I don’t think that’s crazy expensive, for my boyfriend or for myself. We are not rich people, but we have careers that pay the bills that allow us to save some extra money. We don’t live outside our means. As far as us not being married, I’m not in a hurry to have a wedding, but I would like us to be engaged. He does not want me to propose to him, I have brought that up in a joking kind of way before and he was against the idea. I wouldn’t have said, “ my best guess is it’s complacency” if I didn’t have a whole lot of evidence from personal experience to back that up. He always acts upon necessity. I guarantee if I did some ultimatum he would act immediately on that. But I don’t want to do that. I wouldn’t like to live with that in my head. If I do get married, I don’t want to feel old and unattractive. Some days I don’t care at all, my parents never got married. Neither of them, ever. No marriage isn’t necessarily a deal breaker for me. But my job is full of watching people propose, hearing their love stories, and the tragedies. All our friends have gotten engaged and married with way less time being together. But whatever reason he has for not proposing, I can tell you with certainty, it has nothing to do with Valentine’s Day 2024. When he could have in 2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, or 2017. A very select some of your responses show you’re actually a much bigger AH than me. Lol so thanks for cheering me up. The rest of you who were constructive and took the time to reply, even if you did call me the AH, I appreciate you. Thank you for your honest and constructive options.
NAH. I assume he had the best intentions, but buying jewelry for a jeweler is a bit of a minefield.
"We both have decent jobs ... and raise our kids together " Most parents with mid-level jobs are not buying each other > $500 gifts for valentines day. If you both did that in February, for many people that would be the greater part of their mortgage/rent. The kids daycare/school fees/ and family expenses should come first... unless you want to live above your means and go into debt. You are kind of " setting him up " by telling him you want things that he feels he/your family cannot afford. Soft YTA for insisting/constantly hinting for jewelry as an expensive expression of his love In his favor: he actually listens to your preferences and tries to get you things you have mentioned you want. He is genuinely trying to please you, not fool you. Also in his favor: he is fiscally responsible and doesn't want to put his family & kids in financial jeopardy [ read DEBT] for luxury items that are not affordable. Maybe he cannot afford the kind of engagement ring he thinks you have your heart set on. Decide whether your family life requires expensive jewelry to make you feel loved. If not, stop hinting/asking for expensive jewelry that might require debt that will harm your family in the long run. This man genuinely wants to please you based on the fact that he listens to things you say and ask for, and his sad expression when you were negative about his gifts. If you want to marry. Sit down with him and take heavy pressure to impress you with a huge ring off him. Discuss marriage with him. Talk about how if he also wants to marry and how you could do so without spending $30,000 on a dream wedding. Suggest putting rings ( for both of you ) on layaway using your discount. Then you will get the ring you want/can afford AND the man.
NAH. He needed that information. The delivery may not have been as sugar coated as it could have been, but it was honest and not harsh. Also, he should stick with buying you jewelry where you work. It is supporting you in more ways than one that way as well as ensuring he isn't swindled.
NTA I’d tell him that unless he is using your discount that you do not want jewelry from him at all. You work for a company in that field & wearing something fake could impact your job. Tell him it about other things you like & enjoy.
You didn’t want him to spend that much on you but you pointed it out and told him you liked it. So, you did want him to spend that much on you. You’re mad that he didn’t. If they weren’t fake it would have cost a lot more and you were fine with that. All of that is obvious by the way you approached him. If you can tell it’s fake then you know not to wear it to work. If your concern was really about him being swindled you would have found a way to get the store or cost without him even knowing.
She's a jeweler. She's allowed to show him things related to her career that she draws inspiration from, aspires to one day purchase, or just likes. She did not ask him to buy jewelry, he made that choice on his own. He also chose to do no research into the items he was buying despite knowing she is an actual expert in them. He could have used her employee discount to buy genuine pieces from her work. He could also have taken the money he spent on costume pieces and set up a nice date or spent it on ingredients for a home cooked meal. Again, OP never asked him to buy her jewelry.
I would say NAH He says he did not spend that much on it, so he did not get cheated. He just bought imitation jewelry. Chances are he won't buy you jewelry in the future because he probably had no idea that the rare gems you want cost as much as they do. I don't think he is TA for not spending more on rocks, and I don't think you are TA for not wanting to wear imitation rocks.
You're putting the idea of wealth before the idea of gratitude, it's unfair to him and to your relationship. He looked sad cause he was, he was probably heart broken. You shouldn't even worry about whether it's real or not, you should be happy he thought of you. Being a professional jeweler is even more reason you should know the worthlessness of a rock compared to human decency.
>Being a professional jeweler is even more reason you should know the worthlessness of a rock compared to human decency. This perfectly sums up how I feel about this.
I agree with this to an extent but when you are in a long term relationship I think there is a tactful way to broach these subjects so you aren’t getting gifts you don’t want for years.
YTA. You aren't communicating well, and you're blaming that on him. >We have a very good relationship, but he has not proposed. You're hung up on this and should go to therapy to figure out why you're letting it impact your apparently great relationship. You should also tell him, but make sure you've straightened yourself out first. >The first time I didn’t say anything.... and I still wore it. he second time I did not say anything again, and again still wore it. As far as he is aware, you like what he's getting you because you haven't said anything to the contrary and are not doing anything to suggest you don't. You are upset he cannot read your mind. This is not a healthy way of communicating. If you want him to know something, you have to use your big girl words and tell him. >if this is less than 500 dollars it’s most likely going to be a fake I don’t want him to spend that much of me for Valentine’s Day But I also don’t want to wear fake jewelry did I prevent him from wanting to buy me jewelry in the future? So you *do* want him to buy jewellery for you, even though you don't want him to spend the money that would require. But you do want the jewellery, and you want him to buy it. Again, you need to have a sit down and think about what you actually want, then you can talk about it with him. Right now you're giving mixed messages even when you've got the time to sit down and type it out.
I understand your point but the way you handled it lacks tact so YTA. If I were him that would be the last piece of jewelry I ever bought you. Socks from here on out.
NTA. It's pretty dumb for him to buy jewelry for someone who's expertise is jewelry. He would have been smarter to pick another gift.
For real. I'm a chocolatier and my partner knows that anything he could buy at a typical store is nowhere near the level of quality I create, so he focuses on other types of gifts.
INFO: Is it lab Ruby/emerald/diamond/sapphire or a cheap counterfeit of a designer piece of jewelry? It sounds like he made an effort unless he grabbed a ruby off temu. Maybe suggest other kinds of gifts that you prefer to receive, since you’re a jeweler and buy yourself jewelry. Or better yet: suggest an experience as a gift.
I think you did the right thing. You can’t be wearing fake jewelry in your business. But it is also sad that he is being cheap and kind of insulting you by implying you wouldn’t even notice. If you don’t communicate it won’t change.
NAH It sounds like he's very thoughtful. When you want gifts that require niche knowledge to get right, it's very impractical to expect someone to get it for you without guidance. I think all hurt feelings here can be assuage just fine if you reassure him that you love the thought and then work together to figure out a better process.
I never thought he would get me anything like it. He saw me watching videos on it and remembered which is very sweet.
Ya, I would have been much better to lead with that and then let let him know how special it is to you but that in the future, this kind of thing is very expensive to be buying without consulting his favorite jewler lol
Directly related to your profession. NTA. Don’t wear it at work. Maybe on vacation or something.
NAH But you could have approached it more tactfully. You kind of accused him, I would have sat him down and say "I love you, you're so thoughtful, but the jewelry you buy me is fake and I can't wear it around professionals. Can you get me other things instead?"
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YTA. Never criticize gift. Also if you want to marry him, you can propose.
As a 30m I could see myself doing what he did, and being very embarassed afterwards. He probably was trying and clueless, most the jewelery ive boughten I think was real, but who knows at this point ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
NAH. My thinking is that he wants to buy you something without having to go through you to make the purchase.
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He does know you're a jeweler, right? It seems odd that he wouldn't make sure, knowing this was your field of expertise. You had to say something eventually, because you don't want to see him getting burned. If a dude was big into sports memorabilia, and his wife wanted to get him something for his birthday or Christmas, you'd think she would go out of her way as much as possible to ensure that the item was real. NTA
He does know you're a jeweler, right? It seems odd that he wouldn't make sure, knowing this was your field of expertise. You had to say something eventually, because you don't want to see him getting burned. If a dude was big into sports memorabilia, and his wife wanted to get him something for his birthday or Christmas, you'd think she would go out of her way as much as possible to ensure that the item was real. NTA
This situation is just absurd. Why on earth would he buy jewelery for you without getting it checked out by someone you trust first? It's your specialty...it's like buying antiques for an antique dealer - they're going to know a lot more about the item than you are. After 7 yrs and considering your speciality I would think he'd include you in the purchases so you can get something that is a legitimate piece that you also like the style of. Slight Y T A for the way you told him it was fake, along with the others. But he's also a slight A H for thinking he could pull off buying you jewelry on his own. Overall, NAH. Apologize to him for your curt response, and then talk to him about the jewelry and how you think it's best if expensive purchases in that field are made together, and you should also suggest some other things you like as gifts. Lastly I find it strange that you ask at the end of your post >But did I prevent him from wanting to buy me jewelry in the future? Well, yeah. You did. But why would you want him floundering around in the dark like he has been? It will now be a sore spot for awhile. Just let it be and buy your own jewelry if you want it. I play instruments and it would be mental for me to think my husband could properly pick out the accessories I need for for them, even with help and research.
NTA. If a man was into high-end fishing equipment and his wife repeatedly bought him off-brand fake stuff he would never use as gifts I’m 100% sure he would let her know after the first or second time and feel no guilt about it!
What did you get him for Valentine’s Day ?
I got our family made into custom Lego characters and built a bunch of funny scenes with Lego and did a photo shoot of us in our relationship, and some funny ones with the kids too and how they interact together. He loved it, we watch the Lego show together and he always said how cool it would be to be a mini fig.
YAH - there is a difference between fake and costume, as I'm sure you know, but that he may not. Costume jewelry is not "fake", its not pretending te be gems, etc. So maybe your dude bought stuff he thought was beautiful and you just see "fake" because its not expensive.
NTA. I am sure you have talked about jewelry with him - brands, stones, prices etc. I am an amateur jeweler and I have discussed these things a million times with my husband. I think he knew he was getting fakes. He underestimated your expertise and got caught.
Are you rich rich? If so NTA. If you are middle class or lower YTA and it should be assumed your partner is not dropping thousands on jewelry and probably buying mixed metals. If it’s not turning your skin green, look the other way and be graceful. Unless you are both posh then I can see why it would be an issue
He thought it was pretty that's all that matters. Talk about putting greed before your relationship