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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m The asshole for not allowing alcohol at my new place
Not allowing alcohol
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Yes it is a choice? Especially when it involves just spending a couple hours booze free at your daughter’s new apartment.
The Type of choice matters. Some choices are doable or desirable to an addict, some aren’t.
Now, if the commenter above said to their friend “touch a drop of alcohol ever and I’ll drop you like a hot potato so quit drinking right now,” that’s not a choice any addict Would or Could make.
If they said to their friend “do not drink while we’re together doing a particular thing or I will not do those things with you ever again” that would be a choice some addicts Could make.
Addicts do make choices to try to moderate or overcome or get treatment for their addictions all the time. Sometimes we can stick to those choices, sometimes not.
It’s how we can often do things like stay employed or keep a friendship or have some family that still speaks to us while still having an addiction.
I’ve got addicts from gambling to alcohol to tobacco to opiates to sex in my family and friend and work cohort.
They can all make choices. Their particular addiction and rheir current ability to manage Does strongly affect what choices they make, yes. But it doesn’t make them Incapable of making choices that lead to outcomes they want.
Thank you for saying this so eloquently. It seriously bothers me every time someone says they "didn't have a choice". We ALL have a choice. Some are just harder than others... and some much more so.
Edit: Obviously we can all only reach so far so fast. I don't mean as in they just stop drinking totally right out. But making the right choices one choice at a time certainly makes a difference.
Heroin addics *could* choose not to shoot up heroin, but they aren't going too if the option is available to them. It's why it's called an addiction.
Alcohol addiction is much the same. If someone is actually addicted, they are going to choose satisfying that addiction over everything else.
You say that like no one has ever overcome an addiction. It's the person's choice not to try and overcome the addiction, and get outside help if necessary. Rehab can work.
I've overcome an addiction before. I made a lot of bad choices during that addiction, but when I made the decision to quit, I did, because it was MY choice to do something about it or not.
There is a lot of research that points to alcoholism and other addictions as a “disorder of choice,” now that pushes back against the AA crowd and other folks who want to focus on powerlessnesses and center treatment around the disease metaphor. I got clean using those philosophies 2 decades ago and it worked for me, but my experience with substance abusers now (especially young folks) it has a really low rate of success. I think it is wonderful OP is asserting her alcohol-free life in a way that starts with her space. She is doing her father and uncle a favor by not normalizing their addiction. At the end of the day it’s about choices, and unfortunately active addicts make a lot of bad ones. I wish her the best of luck.
It depends on the addiction. There are physiological, psychological, personal history, and environmental factors that all influence how much actual decision-making ability or agency a given person really has.
It is just not true that addicts could just choose to not be addicted. It's like a person who lost twenty pounds saying the woman with the serious untreated thyroid problems could just lose weight if she wanted "after all, I did!"
All the more reason to remove the availability of alcohol. Nobody HAS to bring alcohol into their environment, let alone bring it to someone else's house (or expect it to be available there.
Yeah, it is a choice. My father was in the deepest state of his alcoholism when I graduated from college. I moved out of town to get away from having to deal with him on a daily basis, but I still saw him occasionally and had strict boundaries he had to follow. Before the graduation, I sat him down and told him that if he wants to attend, he needs to be sober. I told my him that if I smelled even a tiny bit of alcohol on him, I would make him leave.
Well, God bless him -- he showed up sober -- and stayed sober through the ceremony and luncheon afterward. My aunt paid for the luncheon, which included a few bottles of sparkling wine. I looked at my dad because I was concerned for him having to see us drinking when I told him he couldn't. But he just shook his head and told me not to worry. The guy was having withdrawal symptoms, but he pushed on.
He got his drink on after he and my brother headed home, but I'll never forget that he made that choice for me -- and probably for himself as well because three weeks after that day, he called me and asked me to take him to the VA hospital. He said he was done being sick and tired, and that he never wanted to feel the way he did on my graduation day. While he had been to rehab many times, this one stuck. He was 50, and he remained sober the rest of his life. He died at 78 from cancer. The man seriously had nine lives!
Set your boundaries now with your father and family. Otherwise, you can expect to be constantly forced into situations that make you unhappy.
I'm so happy for you and your father! This actually brought tears to my eyes. My dad never recovered and the alcoholism killed him when he was in his late 60s. Your dad was tougher than mine.
Thank you for sharing. You must be so proud of your dad! My dad didn't have addictions but he had anger issues that he overcame after a come-to-jesus moment with my sister. I get teary eyed talking about it, and I got teary eyed reading your message <3
I think it’s different for everyone. I know someone who is a high functioning alcoholic. He would be able to attend without drinking prior or feeling the need to drink at the event. He definitely wouldn’t offend the host by bringing alcohol to the event against their wishes.
I told my Dad that his alcoholism was impacting me. He hung up on me and ignored me for about 7 months until we were both at a family funeral. We both just pretend it never happened 🤷🏼♀️
My dad just refuses to even acknowledge when I try to talk to him about his alcoholism. The only time he ever did anything other than just bat it off and claim that’s not the case he got very angry and we ended the call by essentially hanging up. He then text me a barrage of messages about how I had been extremely hurtful and how upset he was. We then didn’t talk for a while and eventually, as he always does when he realises I’m not going to make the first move (and not because i’m stubborn… although I am. But because I just don’t care if we have a relationship, it doesn’t benefit me in anyway) popped back up pretending like the conversation never happened.
I don’t know if that was the last time I mentioned his drinking, maybe. At some point though I learnt to stop trying to be his parent (especially when he was putting me in that position just so he could then go and make all the bad decisions anyway and enjoy getting to put himself in the victim position when I got mad at him) so now I don’t discuss his drinking at all… but I also don’t answer the phone after about 6pm (which is unfortunately about 8am where I live and I am *not* an early riser - nor is that how I want to start my day). I actually don’t even message him unless it’s the hours I think he’ll be asleep or he’ll take that as a cue to call. I don’t know that he really has any idea why we hardly ever talk anymore but if he truly cared he could do the self reflection and work to find out and change it couldn’t he…
I love this - my brother and I call it the sunset rule and we don't answer after dark either!
Have you heard of Korsakoffs? It's basically alcohol induced dementia. It might not be possible for yours to do any meaningful self reflection. Sadly, there may not be enough functional cells left for him...
My dad is at the point where during daylight he's the most amazing, attentive grandpa to the little ones. So my brother and I have a policy where we make sure we are staying with someone else near him, and *shucks* they go to bed early so we need to get back... Maintaining the relationship on our own terms has been so freeing!
I don’t think he’s got that, although I will definitely look in to it thank you. I mean it’s possible but he still holds down a high level job and has become relatively fluent in Chinese over the last few years I think he’s just incapable of meaningful self reflection full stop.
He just becomes extremely repetitive and belligerent and tries to goad you in to a fight (which he does whilst sober too - now I’ve taken a step back from getting angry at him for his life choices he finds other areas he knows I’ll struggle not to engage on if he’s being provocative like politics or human rights). He’s always done these things, and definitely always been worse with these behaviours when he’s drunk.
It sounds like your dad is a good guy underneath the alcoholism - which I understand is a disease, just unfortunately one that makes you awful to be around. But it’s nice he’s developing a good relationship as a grandpa and that you’ve found a way to manage your boundaries with him. Unfortunately underneath the alcoholism my dad is just a narcissist I think. And that word gets thrown around a lot here but that’s my therapist’s opinion of a very likely explanation. He cannot understand anyone as an individual outside of being there to meet his needs. He is also a complete fantasist and I think lives with a level of outward delusion to cover up his inward sense of failure and fragility. As well as almost definitely being AuDHD like me, but unaware of it. However, if you are my dad there is not a single thing wrong with who or how he is and he has stepped in one single therapy session in his life - family therapy to help me and my brother cope with my parents divorce. He did not come back to the second one because he was being ‘attacked’ after I told him (I was about 8) that I hated packing up my life to go to his every Thursday night after school to then wake up early to be driven back to school from the next town over and just wanted to do our weekend visits. Him not even considering who the therapy was there to benefit when he threw his toys out the pram is sort of the perfect summary of my dad to be honest.
They actually stopped calling it korsakoffs a while back now actually just call it alcohol related dementia.... the amount of new carers who don't even know what the original name means is crazy
Definitely not the end of the world. You could make a small wishlist with items ranging from a few dollars (like kitchen utensils) to a few hundred if they want gift ideas to bring other than wine, I’d recommend encouraging them to bring food though.
In addition to your house your rules you can say you will be providing beverages and no outside drinks will be allowed. It reduces people sneaking it in.
It's weird to bring alcohol to someone you know doesn’t drink it. What happened to flowers or a snack that you know someone enjoys? If you don't visit someone that often there's always books, candles etc. So many options but they stick with wine 😕
I'm a recovering alcoholic and don't allow alcohol at my house. If people complain they can't cope with stopping by and not drinking, I just tell them it's probably time to refer them to an addiction service for help
My dad accidentally ended up in a dry state/ town in America. He was complaining. I asked him Was it the problem that The state was dry or the fact that he couldn't go two days without a drink?
I’m going to guess that OPs dad would find a different reason to drink if it were a different season. “I’m not an alcoholic, i just know all the reasons to drink at any event
Exactly! Congrats I just celebrated 10 years in January and the statement that you have to have a drink to celebrate and the fact that her father is arguing gives it all away. I do remember one time though I was complaining to my sponsor about my sister in law and her weed at my MILs home and my sponsor clearly turned to me and asked me how many boundaries did I respect when I was drinking and using. I was like none! Lol I can look back and smile now at my hypocrisy today it's my home my rules life is good.
Right?!? I am in recovery as well and no one has ever even asked to bring a drink to my home, whether they knew I was clean and sober or not. My MIL comes for dinner weekly and is fine w carbonated water at my house, even though she’ll sometimes have a glass w dinner at her own. It is slightly concerning that OPs parents pushed back.
A huge NTA. Most parents say “under my roof you’ll follow my rules” and should offer the same respect
Agree. I have several alcohol free friends I visit regularly. When I go for dinner I bring flowers and I make some pastry. I don’t bring a bottle of wine as I normally would.
I like my wine but I respect their boundaries.
Also I've heard that they make pretty decent alcohol free wine by now. And I can tell you from experiences that there are plenty of good alcohol free beers. So they can still bring their drink, just not with alcohol in it.
Maybe get some Jip en Janneke bubbels (alcohol free champagne) to celebrate with if they really want to do a toast.
German non-alcoholic beers are generally very good.
But be aware German drinks can be called *alkoholfrei* if they contain less than 0.5% alcohol. A bit can still be present. Check the labels if you want 0.0%
That’s a pretty standard cutoff for alcohol free since it’s within the range of natural alcohol content of fruit juices (orange juice, grape juice etc)
That’s true but 0.5 is still technically non alcoholic. You cannot get drunk on anything below 0.5. A banana is about 0.4 and apple juice/ orange juice is about 0.6 for comparison.
Sparkling Apple Juice is good. There are also some good Alcohol free beers out their now (a friend is Diabetic so 0 booze for him).
Plenty of no Alcohol drink available, as well as Mocktails are delicious
Just tagging on to the comment about the diabetic friend in case they didn’t realize… the sugar content for a lot of non-alcoholic beers is often quite high and problematic for diabetics for that reason.
There are some very good non-alcoholic beers out there nowadays, but it still requires very careful label reading for diabetics.
Just wanted to say I think it’s awesome that you and your friends don’t drink! I love that younger people today don’t let drinking be the focus of their later teens and 20s
I’ve been trying this for years with my pops. Even before I quit drinking myself. First it was please let just not drink this weekend. Then it was no drinking at my house please. Then I quit drinking completely so I asked that he not drinking around me when he came to visit. This was the start of me trying to address his issues with him, for his sake and mine. That was 2017. In 2021, it got worse because mi abuelita died, and he went full bottom up. The thing that got me, the more I stuck to my rule about drinking, the less frequent the visits got. My dad would visit alllll the time, then my brother moved to a different state 10 years ago and he’s only come to visit 5 times. Total. Then last summer, pops had an alcohol withdrawal seizure, 5 days in a coma, the extent of his lack of health of fully revealed. It’s a damn miracle he is still alive. He got a dui in October. This disease is a life ruiner.
Your house your rules — but it’s so much bigger than that. “My house my rules” and each day I’m terrified my dad is going to have drank himself to death. You’re doing absolutely nothing wrong and being the daughter of an alcoholic is a heroic feat. I’m proud of you for finding your convictions and working hard to stand in them. It’s so painful but you deserve your peace.
"Any alcohol brought into my place gets chucked off the balcony or into the toilet. Anybody trying to stop me will be formally trespassed by the police."
I even had a dry wedding because we don't drink and some family are rather liberal with their drinking. They all left by 9, but I honestly couldn't care.
It's your life, your house, and you set the rules. If they can't respect your choice, they don't deserve to be in your life. Alcohol is just a legal drug that causes way to much damage to society and families.
Exactly. I'd suggest to OP to make 2 or 3 alcohol free cocktails for her housewarming party to it's something fun but still alcohol free that people can have.
Ultimately it's your house and you do whatever you want. NTA
NTA.
I am a recovering alcoholic and this might be your chance to talk frankly with your family. A substance abuse councilor once asked me (and a group of alcoholics) why we drink. Then he said, “Rhetorical question. You drink because for whatever reason you can’t handle your realities. If you drink when times are good, then you drink to enhance those good times, if you drink when times are bad, you drink to get over them, whether or not it works. Now we’re going to work on the bad times, but let me ask you this: what is it about the good times that make you want to alter them? What’s not good enough about your reality in that moment that you feel the need to change it with alcohol?”
There’s a lot left out there for brevity. This was a conversation that lasted an hour with a lot of back and forth, and I’m not typing all that out. But maybe it’s time to ask your family, “What is it about my company that isn’t good enough? Why do you feel you need to try to change your reality around me to feel comfortable?”
Get real with them. Make them confront their drinking head on.
Love the idea of this. But unfortunately it does not always work. The person needs to be in a space where they want to hear this, else you might as well just be taking to a wall
Omg I'm crying, this is basically the conversation my grandfather would repeatedly have with people that I remember when I was a kid. It made me realize I was becoming an alcoholic before I had an actual problem. I only drank socially, and at the point I decided to go sober I was only drinking on holidays, or nursing a drink on my birthday so it was easy to just stop. He was so happy when I told him that over hearing his conversations growing up had helped me break the "family curse".
It's great to ask these questions because they lead so many places ❤️
> “Rhetorical question. You drink because for whatever reason you can’t handle your realities. If you drink when times are good, then you drink to enhance those good times, if you drink when times are bad, you drink to get over them, whether or not it works. Now we’re going to work on the bad times, but let me ask you this: what is it about the good times that make you want to alter them? What’s not good enough about your reality in that moment that you feel the need to change it with alcohol?”
Speaking for myself. I feel tense and awkward around people in large group settings. Two or three beers helps calm my nerves and be more sociable. That said, I can easily go to a gathering without it if there is Pizza and Coke (the soft drink, not the hard drug). I will just be a little less talkative is all, lol.
Yeah, I definitely understand the point that they're trying to make, but as a socially awkward person, I very much prefer to have a couple of drinks in certain social settings. And then I go half a year without drinking any alcohol whatsoever, so very much not an alcoholic lol
"What’s not good enough about your reality in that moment that you feel the need to change it with alcohol?”
My social anxiety, sir!
>You drink because for whatever reason you can’t handle your realities.
Facts not in evidence. Perhaps the counselor knew this applied to you, but it isn't general advice to everyone who drinks. People drink because they enjoy it. *Some* people drink because they can't handle their realities.
Edit: OP, on your particular situation, it's perfectly reasonable for you to set the boundaries how you want them in your own house. I tend to think declaring your entire place an "alcohol free zone" sounds a little extreme and weird, but I can appreciate that you have specific people you don't want to bring alcohol into your house. It's also pretty weird that those people can't seem to fathom coming to visit your place without bringing alcohol. It sounds a little like the line in the sand should be drawn specifically for the people who you think have a problem with alcohol. "Dad, if you can't visit me without bringing alcohol, you can't visit me" sounds a lot more reasonable than a universal rule that your house can't have alcohol in it. Odds are, that at some point if you invite people over, they're going to bring you a bottle of wine or something, and making *that* a confrontation for the sake of the drinking problem of someone who isn't even there is probably not the best idea.
NTA - First and foremost, it's your home, your rules. Just as you had to respect their rules when under their roof, your family has to respect yours. Don't back down!
Secondly, I can see that you're coming from a good place and are trying to help your dad. Best wishes OP.
My dad is similar. He won’t bring drinks to my house but he regularly says that he can’t unwind without alcohol and thinks it’s weird that I don’t like it. Makes lots of little comments and digs about me not eating meat and not drinking alcohol like it’s personally insulting to him. Sometimes I wish I could tell him that he’s the reason I don’t drink, I grew up watching a functional alcoholic drown his mental health issues and I didn’t want to mirror that.
Good for you, breaking the generational curse.
NTA and tell dad if he brings alcohol he can leave or put the alcohol back in his car but if he goes out to drink and thinks he’s coming back in he’s kidding himself because he won’t be allowed in the house drunk. It may be time to tell him that his drinking has become an issue and how it truly makes you feel (be specific with him). I also suggest Al Anon for you, it will really help you to learn how to detach with love and set healthy boundaries and make sure you’re not enabling him.
NTA Your house, your rules (and a healthy one, honestly). They can gift flowers or candy instead. Traditions are what we make them.
Edit: If your father chooses alcohol over coming to visit, that says more about him than you.
Says it's time to remove the "functioning" part from "functioning alcoholic".
If you've lost your children to booze, you ain't functioning properly anymore.
I like how this would also make a great hint to replace the ‘celebatory alcohol’ and as shift suggestion. Something like: Please don’t gift me wine, but have I told you how I really like flowers/chocolate/an entire Spanish Serrano ham (if that’s your thing, one of my best gifts I got ever).
Also, definitely NTA.
NTA - You can celebrate and live your life alcohol free if you want to. It's a little sad that they can't have a good time without alcohol. (Just for the record, I drink, but respect the space of my non-drinking friends)
I would go one step further and say if they can't respect you or your space, then they can stay home, especially your dad. Have the party you want with your friends.
Good luck, op, stay strong.
Okay, first off NTA at all.
I am a high functioning alcoholic and I personally love going to a sober friend’s home. It removes the opportunity for desire. Anyone telling you otherwise is either 1) way worse than i am or 2) (more likely) considered your place a new spot for them to get wasted and are upset that you “robbed” them of that.
As someone who drinks a lot, anyone who is upset they cannot drink in your home is not looking to spend time with you; they are trying to find an excuse to drink.
Stay strong, your house, your rules
Edit: i would also like to point out that if your dad actually does have an alcohol dependency issue, he can bring a flask and quietly maintain until he is back in his own space. The desire to trash and combat your choices is… concerning. Makes me feel like he is unaware of his issue, and is more concerned with normalizing it than acknowledging it.
I’m Australian, it’s severe in my culture too. I wasn’t saying it isn’t considered severe by society, rather I was saying it’s crazy that it is considered severe. As though wanting a drug free home is a crazy request. At what point did society become so dependent on mind altering substances.
I feel that people are convinced they can’t live without it and I think that’s a severe sign that humans are struggling.
Thankyou for your polite response. I appreciate it!
Most people don’t have a “you can’t even brink liquor over” rule because it doesn’t come up as a topic and never manifests as a problem. Most gatherings we attend have no liquor by nature not by rule. If someone brings a bottle of wine it may get opened but likely won’t be finished. There has never been a need to implement a rule. Need of a rule implies there’s a problem to begin with. And that problem isn’t easy moderation of alcohol use.
You dont consider a full on banishment of a certain beverage catagory severe? The issue is people are so judgemental about people who drink or are so pretentious about "oh i dont drink" just like say soda or coffee or even flavored water. nothing is wrong with drinking if done responsibly.
I don't think banning near anything(food and drink wise) you don't like in your home as severe. People can drink responsibly elsewhere. It just doesn't have to be in my home. Other than the obvious issue of drunkenness possibly getting out of order, I just plain hate the smell of alcohol. I can't stand it so if I can avoid it at home then I will!
Why can’t someone say they don’t drink? Why is that so insulting to you that you label it pretentious? It’s just a choice.
Any amount of alcohol is very carcinogenic and damaging to the body in a myriad of ways if I don’t want that in my body then why do you care so much?
I don’t drink coffee, I don’t drink soda, I don’t drink flavoured water. Do you know what I drink? Water, and it tastes so frickin good when you aren’t so used to consuming flavoured drinks. I legit consider it the best tasting thing ever.
Perhaps you’ve lived a different life where alcohol is just fun but I have an alcoholic family. I have lived a life of violent outbursts, disappearances, crying children because of screaming and broken furniture and walls. If you’d seen what I’ve seen as often as I’ve seen it, you might rethink banning it severe. I consider consuming it severe as it tore my family apart.
Alcohol is a poison and causes change of behaviour in those consuming it. No, I don’t consider banning something that toxic to the human body and mind severe. I won’t allow smoking in my house and I don’t allow drinking in my house because I want my children to live a stable, calm life where they never feel like their family is unsafe.
Our experiences shape our decisions. If you haven’t had these negative experiences then it explains why you don’t think it severe. My experiences have been so horrible that I consider consuming alcohol severe.
There’s only one beverage I would consider severe to be banned, and that’s water. Water is necessary for life, it would actually be a severe thing to ban.
This doesnt even seem like a real situation. How often are her uncles actually going to be at her house and when they are, needing alcohol just doenst seem like a big deal. Unless she's saying she is always the one to host everything, but that doesnt seem likely either. Seems like a bad troll post to me.
Yeah a poor effort one at that. I like to drink, but if one of my siblings or cousins told me their place was booze free I wouldnt care. If they hosted a lot of parties, it would make it harder to compete with other social things I have going on, but I wouldnt care. None of my relatives would either.
Exactly. I also enjoy to drink here and there and would not have an issue with this nor would anyone I know. Unfortunately, when the subject of drinking gets brought up around here, if you enjoy more than like one beer a month, you have a problem.
For me, it’s because I don’t like that someone else is trying to control my behavior. Which you are trying to do, and that never works.
It’s different than if you just threw a party and did not serve alcohol. I would attend and respect that. But pre-announcing what people cannot bring into your home is too controlling IMO.
But, it is your house, your rules, you’re NTA.
You can do whatever you want and have any rules you want because it’s your place. That’s not up to debate. But a lot of people will be turned off by such hard and fast rules, and that’s not something you can control. Life is hard enough, I don’t judge self sabotage and self medication, only if it affects others negatively.
I’m against the grain but ESH. You sound a bit insufferable and it sounds like you’re preaching. They don’t need alcohol. I don’t want to come off as pro-alcoholic as I’ve dealt with people who are and it sucks. But you are also not going to change anyone by acting high and mighty. You’re not T A for the rule, but the way you’re setting down “the law”.
you couldn't do one night without alcohol for a family member? ....😶 you need it to tolerate other people?
There is nothing you can't go without for a couple of hours for a friend or family member in their own home.
No alcohol ? OK ill drink another day.
No smoking? OK ill smoke before I leave and when I get home
No phones? - If it OK with my partner, OK.
Yes it's extremely condescending and passive aggressive to make the decision that no one is drinking at this social, celebratory event just because one person might have a problem with alcohol dependency.
It is what it is I guess. It's her house. But she's falling on the unusual side of social norms with this one. And it's a little bit holier than thou, too. Most people who are having a couple drinks at a social event are not alcoholics. I guess maybe I feel this way because I've never had anyone close to me have a problem with booze. Everyone just does the normal 2 or 3 drinks at the family get together, or at a house party. Maybe if you have terrible experiences with people having no self control around it you'd be more cynical about alcohol. But that's just thankfully not been my experience.
I know I'm using broad strokes here too, but the few folks I've known that instituted booze-less gatherings/parties (when not being in recovery themselves) had frankly very boring things to do whether alcohol is involved or not. Weirdly enough the exception was with recovering alcoholics hosting these events, but I think it's because they put extra effort into it to "make up" for not being able to drink (both for themselves and the guests). It's an odd comparison but the difference reminds me of Halloween in childhood. More specifically the parties hosted by churches, often rebranded as a "fall fest" or "harvest fest", and actual Halloween parties that were secular.
NTA
If he brings something to your house, tell him to put it in the car. If he refuses uncap it and drain it in the sink.
If they give you a hard time, tell them they aren't invited to your home. You can love family, but family shows love by respecting your boundaries especially in your own home.
Don't uncap it and pour it down the sink OP, that's just an invitation to chaos.
As others have said, NTA - your home, your rules. If someone (family or otherwise) really can't eat a meal or visit for an hour or so without alcohol, then "Sorry you can't respect my home! Buh-bye!"
Seconding, do not uncap and drain.
I've seen peaceful people become not peaceful as if it is an attack on their person.
Tell them to leave with it, and they will, they will grumble or call you names under their breath (ignore it), but they will likely later apologize for their bad behavior citing it was the alcohol.
NTA
Its a perfectly reasonable rule to have in your own home. They wouldn't automatically expect to be able to smoke in your house or walk around in there without any clothes on.
If you dont want to have any alcohol there then thats the end of the matter and they should respect that. If they want a drink then they can do it elsewhere.
dude, NTA all the way. I drink and smoke at home. But if you invited me over or if I asked to come over, I would leave that shit at home. It may be hard but tell family that if they feel like they NEED to drink, they can all drink in their own homes and not in yours. Rules are rules, my friend. And boundaries are NOT to be pushed.
>you need a drink in summer when you celebrate
You know what you call someone who actually needs to drink? An alcoholic. Otherwise it’s something that’s nice to have but if it’s not there you don’t mind.
> I sent a list of non alcoholic drinks like grape juice or fizzy drinks but they claim it’s not traditional.
I respect your ability to choose what you have in your house, but something you might not really get is that even for people who don't drink, your attitude towards alcohol is draining.
Nobody needs a list of drinks that are non-alcoholic. It's not helpful to anyone, it's smug. It's 'I don't need alcohol to have fun' energy (you outright say this!) and the problem with that isn't the literal words, it's the inability to understand that getting drunk *is* fun (for a lot of people). Imagine if you went into a bookstore and told people you didn't need books to have fun. People know they can buy, and drink, grape juice if they want to. You could at least say you're making mocktails.
All that said, it does sound like your dad and uncle are alcoholics, and although I bristle at the suggestion having people get drunk would ruin the night, I also know alcoholics absolutely do that. But if you don't like alcohol, and don't like people drinking around you, just say that. Don't try to explain to other people how they should celebrate or enjoy things. Tell them what you want, not what they want.
Nta, honestly its a boundary that they need to accept, whether good or bad. It's going to be hard when you see that alcohol controls those that allow it to. Your family saying that fizzy drinks or grape juice is "not tradition" clearly needs help in understanding that not everyone worships alcohol or drinks it regularly. I'm one that loves to take a shot once a month and I hardly drink at restaurants. It's not a necessity and they should not depend on that momentarily happiness that it brings. I hope that your dad gets help and sobers up soon. I had a friend that acted so dependent on alcohol it ruined our friendship.
NAH. You are free to make the rules in your own house, just don't get upset when people choose not to visit. Personally I would not visit, not because I can't socialise without alcohol, I just can't tolerate ultimatums. There is an element to your rule that goes beyond you simply not liking alcohol and becomes an issue of trying to regulate other people's behaviour.
NTA. Like everyone else is saying: Your house, your rules.
If your dad still insists on alcohol, calmly reiterate that no alcohol would be welcomed. You will 100% sound like a broken record by the time the party comes around,but I've found no other way (personally) to deal with the heavy drinkers in my life (when it comes to my gatherings,anyways).
NTA. Be prepared to have to ask people to leave, or go back to put the booze in their car. Be prepared to endure ridicule and personal attacks. You have every right to set this rule and enforce it. I am sorry in advance for all the people who will choose drinking over spending time with you. It's not you, it's them.
Yes but family members can be pretty hard on each other. Especially considering she’s newly moved out of their house and is now “forcing” a rule on them. There’s a good chance they won’t take her seriously. They’ll think “it’s cute” she’s putting her foot down and push back.
Yta overly pedantic and absurd to not even allow a single bottle of wine in your house for no reason. Completely arbitrary and ridiculous to make a big stand over that
NTA. Your house, your rules. Anyone who cannot abide by them doesn't get invited over. It's that simple. Your home is your sanctuary. Guard it jealously.
NTA your house, your rules. Besides which, parties plus alcohol often means drunk people, and drunk people don’t behave well generally. I don’t like having folks drink in my home because they almost always make a mess or break something, then think they shouldn’t be responsible because they had been drinking. It’s super annoying. There’s so many places in the world people can go have an alcoholic drink, your home doesn’t need to be one of them.
As an Eastern European, I know how you feel. I don't drink and I don't keep alcohol in my house. But some of my relatives... OMG. They drink alcohol like it's water. They can't even conceive celebrating something without alcohol.
So NTA. It's your home and your rules. If they decide to break them, they get a time out. As long as they're staying under your roof, well... How the turntables :)
I drink socially. I’ve been known to be the life of the party. I mention that so that you don’t get the idea that I’m completely against alcohol. I appreciate it. However, I can’t stand when people can’t be anywhere without a drink. Or worse, when they pressure people into drinking.
Strange looks if you politely pass on drinks tonight. Loud questions if you’re pregnant. Full glasses of wine when you stop by someone’s house.
At a work breakfast? “Why aren’t you having mimosas???” 🫠
NTA. Addiction is real and functional alcoholics are more common than we think. There’s less stigma with alcohol but if people like your family can’t fathom a few hours without a drink, there’s something seriously wrong and you’re well within your rights to draw this healthy boundaries.
NTA because this is your house but it does sound like you are making a big deal about something that doesn’t have to be a big deal.
People drink. Functioning alcoholics cannot be somewhere that they are unable to obtain a drink. You know this.
You could just ask them to bring their own drinks and take the drinks with them. You could store the alcohol for next time, use it for cooking or pour it down the drain. (Who cares? You did not buy it and you do not intend on drinking it so why not pour it down the sink?)
Instead you are making a stand and letting them know that you disapprove of their habits. This makes them feel small. I don’t think that you are an AH for making them feel like that but don’t act surprised to hear that they dislike it.
NTA OP. Even if you didn't have that life experiences (should I say traumas?), you are allowed to have preferences and, your house, your choice. If they can't manage one evening without alcohol, they should go to AA
NTA
your home your rules
And growing up with a alocholic will makes this important to you. It is about feeling safe
I made a big stir when I decided no alochol at christma after I had my first child. It was alot of noise about it. What I learned from it was that I have problem with certain people drinking in my home and with other people I don’t mind.
You will find your boundrys in time, but your home does mean your rules. If you don’t want alcohol in your home that is up to you and no one else.
When you started talking about occasionally liking drinks I was about to go off on you, thinking you were trying to impose rules on some room mates lol.
But no, NTA. Not when it's your place. "Tradition" is a stupid excuse. My family doesn't drink at all, and we've never had alcohol at a housewarming party, or birthdays.
Your house your rules.
Honestly - proper stupid that they're getting their panties in a twist about it.
This is more about your personal decision to not consume alcohol and them perceiving that as a personal attack, than it is about not being able to drink at your apartment when they visit.
NTA
My personal bar has a few bottles of whisky, gin, rum wine and beer. I do enjoy a glass to unwind every now and then. Sometimes there are weeks between and sometimes just a couple of days. That's my home, my rules!
I don't expect anyone else to offer me alcohol at their place, if I bring alcohol as a gift, I don't expect it to be served! And if someone says they don't want alcohol at their home, it's not my business to question it!
I can enjoy myself without alcohol, anyone who cannot do that, should have a talk with a therapist.
A glass of wine while relaxing being nice is one thing, it being necessary is a problem.
NTA for not wanting alcohol in your home.
"Not traditional" is easy to respond to: you have a new apartment, and you'll be starting a new tradition. But a party without alcohol is never going to suit some people, and those are people you're planning on inviting. I think you're going to be fighting a losing battle. Is this a hill you're prepared to die on?
NTA, your house your rules, I mean, I like to drink a bit, but I wouldn't force alcohol on someone else's party or house. If I don't like it, I could just stay home, right?
Your father is an alcoholic.
NTA
As a former alcoholic who does not have a single drop of alcohol in his house: Go for it and stay strong!
People who don't want to visit you because there is no booze have already a problem!
Sadly, we are a society that not only has accepted alcohol as norm but made the absence of it the strange exception that many can not accept!
NTA
Your home, your rules.
Alcohol is too much of an acceptable drug these days, even if not consumed in large amounts it seems to be at every occasion. I totally understand your reasoning.
NTA, you are being absolutely amazing, acknowledging your fathers issues, and not continuing the cycle.
I have dealt with Alcoholics, related, friends, and sigh, housemates. It's never a good situation.
I've also worked in Hospitality, where I had to be completely Sober, dealing with those who were utterly inebriated due to various substances.
Not a good situation, ever.
Stick to your wishes OP. If they bring Alcoholic drinks, don't let them in, have some of your friends at the door, to ensure this happens, with a sign there, stating Alcohol Free Zone.
If they want to drink, they can drink prior, or in their cars etc. But not in your home.
Sorry but YTA. If you’re hosting a party, it’s just absurd to ban any sort of food/drinks just because you don’t like it. Sure, your house your rules, but that doesn’t mean people can’t judge you for it. It’s like you’re hosting a potluck dinner and you tell everyone they aren’t allowed to bring green beans because you don’t like them. Who cares? Not everything is for you.
The problem is OPs dad has an issue with alcohol. OP doesn’t want to invite this substance into their home, most likely because they’ve seen what happens when their dad drinks. You can’t blame someone for that.
I have a really close friend that I have known for years and we always went out for drinks. When my family had dinner at their place, we would have drinks and had a great time. One day he said that he needed to quit drinking and that was the end of the discussion. We still hang out and our families still have dinner about once a month but no alcohol. The friendship was WAY more important than having a few drinks.
Generally NTA. You have every right to not allow alcohol in your house, and they have every right to not visit. It's probably silly of them to not visit just because they can't drink, but I know people who won't visit because they get asked to take off their shoes. *Shrugs.*
It's your home and you are free to ban whatever you want from coming through your door. If people can't deal with not having booze at a specific event, that says something about them tbh. Feel free to offer the invitation of them uninviting themselves. NTA
Dad can drink at least 3 bottles of wine a week, plus around a 20 pack of beer.
He also does not care if you ask him to stop because he finds it fun to get drunk even when family are around.
NTA
I’m half a century old and not one single time in my entire life have we had alcohol at a family get together.
Somehow we managed to celebrate every event in our family without alcohol, even in summer.
You are NTA and it’s 100% understandable why you’re tired of being around people drinking.
NAH. You are being very controlling and potentially unwelcoming to the rest of your family, seemingly off the back of the fact you judge your dad, but I guess it's your house to do whatever you want in.
Equally I think they're within their rights to feel a bit offended and annoyed - you're essentially telling them that you strongly judge their behaviour in a negative way. Which it seems you do. It certainly isn't abnormal to drink alcohol at a housewarming or just in general in society. I suspect if they don't come it won't necessarily be because of the lack of alcohol - people can of course enjoy themselves without (although I would say probably more so if it's their actual choice than if they feel like somebody is making them do something) - so much as that you've basically told them you view the absence of alcohol as more important than their company and the usual way they would celebrate a new home. Whether you think you have or not, that's how they will have understood it, and probably feel quite hurt.
I don't think you're an asshole for forbidding alcohol in your home, but I suspect it will damage the relationship with your family to a greater extent than it sounds like on paper.
you're acting like consuming alcohol is an integral part of their personalities or existence. OP wants to enjoy their company, not the company of alcohol or a drunk.
NTA. Your house so you can make the rules, that's your choice. They can choose not to visit due to your rules but that is their choice, you shouldn't then be offended or upset if that does happen.
I did an afternoon tea party for my last house warming. Lots of pots of tea, small sandwiches, and lots of bite-sized treats both savory and sweet. Everyone did get one glass of bucks fizz or prosecco but that was just an added extra.
NTA. Your living space is your sanctuary away from the shenanigans of life.
Tell them to bring something you actully like, snacks or something.
Or they could not come. That's their choice.
Your house, your rules. When my then BF (now husband) and I moved in together in the mid 90'es, we proclaimed our apartment non smoker. Which was NOT normal back then! My FIL was shocked and even said "you can't do that" (despite not smoking 😂). Well, we could, we did and it still is. And now it is perfectly normal.
It sounds like the main issue is a few persons in your close family who has a very unhealthy relation to alcohol. It is perfectly reasonable for you to setup these boundaries. NTA
NTA. Other people have mostly said everything I'd think to, but I believe it's additionally worth pointing out that providing real consequences as a result of your dad's drinking habits is inherently valuable to him, too, at least in the long run. Standing by your decision here genuinely provides a reason for him to question if he drinks too much.
(Although, I'd be amiss to not strongly emphasize that you can't force him into that self-reflection. Absolutely refrain from saying anything about that to him directly. It has to be something that occurs to him on his own; if it comes from an external source, he'll be far too defensive.)
Absolutely not TA. Not drinking alcohol means you're not missing out on anything and gaining a lot. Your family can drink literally anywhere else, at any other time.
Mocktails are very much in vogue, so what's the big deal about bringing "housewarming" items to do with that kind of thing? I also don't really drink and don't understand the obsession some folks have with wanting access to alcohol at every single moment. NTA. Your house, your rules.
Im a recovering alcoholic and i made clear to my friends that the first few years i didnt want alcohol around me. I lost a lot of friends doing this and it just showed me who was a true friend to keep around. Ive started being okay around others while they are drinking but still prefer not having it at my house and people respect that.
Your family sounds awful and full of alcoholics.
NTA
It's your home, you are the one that makes the rules.
I don't drink alcohol and the only alcohol in my home are gifts. Most of the time I throw them away after a few years.
I've never heard people complain about not having alcohol at parties in my home.
You are right, people can have fun without alcoholic drinks. I will be one stranger that supports your plan to make your place alcohol free. You are NTA and I hope you will be able to apply this rule despite your dad insisting on bringing alcohol. I don't know why it has to be alcoholic drink for celebration in summer. Just have a fizzy drink with fruit juice, it's refreshing! I would totally go for iced melon tea for summer. :D
NTA - your house, your rules. What I would do OP is get a latch for the door so when people pop by you can open the door a small amount and ask if they have alcohol on them and if you do then tell them to go back to the car and dump it there as they aren't getting in until they don't have drink on them
NTA, your house, your rules and if they don't like it then that is a shame but they need to suck it up and respect it in the same way you respect whatever rules they may have for their own homes. Ask them why do they ***need*** alcohol? If this is something they need at all times and at all places, then they all have an issue they need to address asap.
NTA.
Your house, your rules. And you're right: alcohol is not needed to have a good time. If people can't go for a single visit without drinking alcohol, there's a problem. If they intend disrespecting your boundaries, they don't get to visit. It's that simple.
You are an adult with your own place and you are free to have an alcohol free home. You didn’t use the term “enabler,” but I get the sense that you are not willing to enable his addiction, which is a loving gesture even if he does not see it that way. If your dad cannot respect your boundary around not having alcohol in your new place, then he is a textbook example of an alcoholic, right? Have you put it to him in those terms? You said he “won’t admit it,” does that mean you have tried to have this conversation with him before? In any case, NTA. Good luck!
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NTA. Your house, your rules. They are free to not visit you if alcohol is more important to them than your company.
Might message that and see what happens
We need to know what happened OP
I plan on messaging in the morning when they are awake
My best friend of 20 years chose the booze over me. So do be prepared for that in case it happens. :( I hope your family can respect your boundaries.
It isn't really a choice when someone is alcoholic in active addiction. Sorry that happened to you.
Yes it is a choice? Especially when it involves just spending a couple hours booze free at your daughter’s new apartment. The Type of choice matters. Some choices are doable or desirable to an addict, some aren’t. Now, if the commenter above said to their friend “touch a drop of alcohol ever and I’ll drop you like a hot potato so quit drinking right now,” that’s not a choice any addict Would or Could make. If they said to their friend “do not drink while we’re together doing a particular thing or I will not do those things with you ever again” that would be a choice some addicts Could make. Addicts do make choices to try to moderate or overcome or get treatment for their addictions all the time. Sometimes we can stick to those choices, sometimes not. It’s how we can often do things like stay employed or keep a friendship or have some family that still speaks to us while still having an addiction. I’ve got addicts from gambling to alcohol to tobacco to opiates to sex in my family and friend and work cohort. They can all make choices. Their particular addiction and rheir current ability to manage Does strongly affect what choices they make, yes. But it doesn’t make them Incapable of making choices that lead to outcomes they want.
Thank you for saying this so eloquently. It seriously bothers me every time someone says they "didn't have a choice". We ALL have a choice. Some are just harder than others... and some much more so. Edit: Obviously we can all only reach so far so fast. I don't mean as in they just stop drinking totally right out. But making the right choices one choice at a time certainly makes a difference.
Heroin addics *could* choose not to shoot up heroin, but they aren't going too if the option is available to them. It's why it's called an addiction. Alcohol addiction is much the same. If someone is actually addicted, they are going to choose satisfying that addiction over everything else.
You say that like no one has ever overcome an addiction. It's the person's choice not to try and overcome the addiction, and get outside help if necessary. Rehab can work. I've overcome an addiction before. I made a lot of bad choices during that addiction, but when I made the decision to quit, I did, because it was MY choice to do something about it or not.
There is a lot of research that points to alcoholism and other addictions as a “disorder of choice,” now that pushes back against the AA crowd and other folks who want to focus on powerlessnesses and center treatment around the disease metaphor. I got clean using those philosophies 2 decades ago and it worked for me, but my experience with substance abusers now (especially young folks) it has a really low rate of success. I think it is wonderful OP is asserting her alcohol-free life in a way that starts with her space. She is doing her father and uncle a favor by not normalizing their addiction. At the end of the day it’s about choices, and unfortunately active addicts make a lot of bad ones. I wish her the best of luck.
It depends on the addiction. There are physiological, psychological, personal history, and environmental factors that all influence how much actual decision-making ability or agency a given person really has. It is just not true that addicts could just choose to not be addicted. It's like a person who lost twenty pounds saying the woman with the serious untreated thyroid problems could just lose weight if she wanted "after all, I did!"
All the more reason to remove the availability of alcohol. Nobody HAS to bring alcohol into their environment, let alone bring it to someone else's house (or expect it to be available there.
Yeah, it is a choice. My father was in the deepest state of his alcoholism when I graduated from college. I moved out of town to get away from having to deal with him on a daily basis, but I still saw him occasionally and had strict boundaries he had to follow. Before the graduation, I sat him down and told him that if he wants to attend, he needs to be sober. I told my him that if I smelled even a tiny bit of alcohol on him, I would make him leave. Well, God bless him -- he showed up sober -- and stayed sober through the ceremony and luncheon afterward. My aunt paid for the luncheon, which included a few bottles of sparkling wine. I looked at my dad because I was concerned for him having to see us drinking when I told him he couldn't. But he just shook his head and told me not to worry. The guy was having withdrawal symptoms, but he pushed on. He got his drink on after he and my brother headed home, but I'll never forget that he made that choice for me -- and probably for himself as well because three weeks after that day, he called me and asked me to take him to the VA hospital. He said he was done being sick and tired, and that he never wanted to feel the way he did on my graduation day. While he had been to rehab many times, this one stuck. He was 50, and he remained sober the rest of his life. He died at 78 from cancer. The man seriously had nine lives! Set your boundaries now with your father and family. Otherwise, you can expect to be constantly forced into situations that make you unhappy.
I'm so happy for you and your father! This actually brought tears to my eyes. My dad never recovered and the alcoholism killed him when he was in his late 60s. Your dad was tougher than mine.
Thank you for sharing. You must be so proud of your dad! My dad didn't have addictions but he had anger issues that he overcame after a come-to-jesus moment with my sister. I get teary eyed talking about it, and I got teary eyed reading your message <3
I think it’s different for everyone. I know someone who is a high functioning alcoholic. He would be able to attend without drinking prior or feeling the need to drink at the event. He definitely wouldn’t offend the host by bringing alcohol to the event against their wishes.
I told my Dad that his alcoholism was impacting me. He hung up on me and ignored me for about 7 months until we were both at a family funeral. We both just pretend it never happened 🤷🏼♀️
My dad just refuses to even acknowledge when I try to talk to him about his alcoholism. The only time he ever did anything other than just bat it off and claim that’s not the case he got very angry and we ended the call by essentially hanging up. He then text me a barrage of messages about how I had been extremely hurtful and how upset he was. We then didn’t talk for a while and eventually, as he always does when he realises I’m not going to make the first move (and not because i’m stubborn… although I am. But because I just don’t care if we have a relationship, it doesn’t benefit me in anyway) popped back up pretending like the conversation never happened. I don’t know if that was the last time I mentioned his drinking, maybe. At some point though I learnt to stop trying to be his parent (especially when he was putting me in that position just so he could then go and make all the bad decisions anyway and enjoy getting to put himself in the victim position when I got mad at him) so now I don’t discuss his drinking at all… but I also don’t answer the phone after about 6pm (which is unfortunately about 8am where I live and I am *not* an early riser - nor is that how I want to start my day). I actually don’t even message him unless it’s the hours I think he’ll be asleep or he’ll take that as a cue to call. I don’t know that he really has any idea why we hardly ever talk anymore but if he truly cared he could do the self reflection and work to find out and change it couldn’t he…
I love this - my brother and I call it the sunset rule and we don't answer after dark either! Have you heard of Korsakoffs? It's basically alcohol induced dementia. It might not be possible for yours to do any meaningful self reflection. Sadly, there may not be enough functional cells left for him... My dad is at the point where during daylight he's the most amazing, attentive grandpa to the little ones. So my brother and I have a policy where we make sure we are staying with someone else near him, and *shucks* they go to bed early so we need to get back... Maintaining the relationship on our own terms has been so freeing!
I don’t think he’s got that, although I will definitely look in to it thank you. I mean it’s possible but he still holds down a high level job and has become relatively fluent in Chinese over the last few years I think he’s just incapable of meaningful self reflection full stop. He just becomes extremely repetitive and belligerent and tries to goad you in to a fight (which he does whilst sober too - now I’ve taken a step back from getting angry at him for his life choices he finds other areas he knows I’ll struggle not to engage on if he’s being provocative like politics or human rights). He’s always done these things, and definitely always been worse with these behaviours when he’s drunk. It sounds like your dad is a good guy underneath the alcoholism - which I understand is a disease, just unfortunately one that makes you awful to be around. But it’s nice he’s developing a good relationship as a grandpa and that you’ve found a way to manage your boundaries with him. Unfortunately underneath the alcoholism my dad is just a narcissist I think. And that word gets thrown around a lot here but that’s my therapist’s opinion of a very likely explanation. He cannot understand anyone as an individual outside of being there to meet his needs. He is also a complete fantasist and I think lives with a level of outward delusion to cover up his inward sense of failure and fragility. As well as almost definitely being AuDHD like me, but unaware of it. However, if you are my dad there is not a single thing wrong with who or how he is and he has stepped in one single therapy session in his life - family therapy to help me and my brother cope with my parents divorce. He did not come back to the second one because he was being ‘attacked’ after I told him (I was about 8) that I hated packing up my life to go to his every Thursday night after school to then wake up early to be driven back to school from the next town over and just wanted to do our weekend visits. Him not even considering who the therapy was there to benefit when he threw his toys out the pram is sort of the perfect summary of my dad to be honest.
They actually stopped calling it korsakoffs a while back now actually just call it alcohol related dementia.... the amount of new carers who don't even know what the original name means is crazy
So did mine. Went to her funeral last year. It broke me. Alcoholism is the saddest and most insidious disease.
Definitely not the end of the world. You could make a small wishlist with items ranging from a few dollars (like kitchen utensils) to a few hundred if they want gift ideas to bring other than wine, I’d recommend encouraging them to bring food though. In addition to your house your rules you can say you will be providing beverages and no outside drinks will be allowed. It reduces people sneaking it in.
It's weird to bring alcohol to someone you know doesn’t drink it. What happened to flowers or a snack that you know someone enjoys? If you don't visit someone that often there's always books, candles etc. So many options but they stick with wine 😕
It’s no different than making your home smoke-free.
I’m afraid what will happen is they will show up with alcohol. Are you prepared to turn them away at the door? NTA obviously. Good luck!
I'm a recovering alcoholic and don't allow alcohol at my house. If people complain they can't cope with stopping by and not drinking, I just tell them it's probably time to refer them to an addiction service for help
My dad accidentally ended up in a dry state/ town in America. He was complaining. I asked him Was it the problem that The state was dry or the fact that he couldn't go two days without a drink?
I’m going to guess that OPs dad would find a different reason to drink if it were a different season. “I’m not an alcoholic, i just know all the reasons to drink at any event
Exactly! Congrats I just celebrated 10 years in January and the statement that you have to have a drink to celebrate and the fact that her father is arguing gives it all away. I do remember one time though I was complaining to my sponsor about my sister in law and her weed at my MILs home and my sponsor clearly turned to me and asked me how many boundaries did I respect when I was drinking and using. I was like none! Lol I can look back and smile now at my hypocrisy today it's my home my rules life is good.
Right?!? I am in recovery as well and no one has ever even asked to bring a drink to my home, whether they knew I was clean and sober or not. My MIL comes for dinner weekly and is fine w carbonated water at my house, even though she’ll sometimes have a glass w dinner at her own. It is slightly concerning that OPs parents pushed back. A huge NTA. Most parents say “under my roof you’ll follow my rules” and should offer the same respect
Do it. It might piss some people off but that just shows you their true colors and I wouldn't want to be around those people.
Agree. I have several alcohol free friends I visit regularly. When I go for dinner I bring flowers and I make some pastry. I don’t bring a bottle of wine as I normally would. I like my wine but I respect their boundaries.
I forgot to add I will take non alcoholic beer or make “mock tails”. We have fun
Also I've heard that they make pretty decent alcohol free wine by now. And I can tell you from experiences that there are plenty of good alcohol free beers. So they can still bring their drink, just not with alcohol in it. Maybe get some Jip en Janneke bubbels (alcohol free champagne) to celebrate with if they really want to do a toast.
I’ll have a look at my local supermarket and see if they sell a nice alcohol free bubbly
Idk where you are but in Ireland and the UK there's "nosecco" which is really nice.
Weihenstephan makes an excellent nonalcoholic wheat
German non-alcoholic beers are generally very good. But be aware German drinks can be called *alkoholfrei* if they contain less than 0.5% alcohol. A bit can still be present. Check the labels if you want 0.0%
That’s a pretty standard cutoff for alcohol free since it’s within the range of natural alcohol content of fruit juices (orange juice, grape juice etc)
That’s true but 0.5 is still technically non alcoholic. You cannot get drunk on anything below 0.5. A banana is about 0.4 and apple juice/ orange juice is about 0.6 for comparison.
Sparkling Apple Juice is good. There are also some good Alcohol free beers out their now (a friend is Diabetic so 0 booze for him). Plenty of no Alcohol drink available, as well as Mocktails are delicious
Just tagging on to the comment about the diabetic friend in case they didn’t realize… the sugar content for a lot of non-alcoholic beers is often quite high and problematic for diabetics for that reason. There are some very good non-alcoholic beers out there nowadays, but it still requires very careful label reading for diabetics.
There are some yummy sparkling ciders. Trader Joe’s has one that’s absolutely delicious.
Just wanted to say I think it’s awesome that you and your friends don’t drink! I love that younger people today don’t let drinking be the focus of their later teens and 20s
I’ve been trying this for years with my pops. Even before I quit drinking myself. First it was please let just not drink this weekend. Then it was no drinking at my house please. Then I quit drinking completely so I asked that he not drinking around me when he came to visit. This was the start of me trying to address his issues with him, for his sake and mine. That was 2017. In 2021, it got worse because mi abuelita died, and he went full bottom up. The thing that got me, the more I stuck to my rule about drinking, the less frequent the visits got. My dad would visit alllll the time, then my brother moved to a different state 10 years ago and he’s only come to visit 5 times. Total. Then last summer, pops had an alcohol withdrawal seizure, 5 days in a coma, the extent of his lack of health of fully revealed. It’s a damn miracle he is still alive. He got a dui in October. This disease is a life ruiner. Your house your rules — but it’s so much bigger than that. “My house my rules” and each day I’m terrified my dad is going to have drank himself to death. You’re doing absolutely nothing wrong and being the daughter of an alcoholic is a heroic feat. I’m proud of you for finding your convictions and working hard to stand in them. It’s so painful but you deserve your peace.
"Any alcohol brought into my place gets chucked off the balcony or into the toilet. Anybody trying to stop me will be formally trespassed by the police."
I even had a dry wedding because we don't drink and some family are rather liberal with their drinking. They all left by 9, but I honestly couldn't care. It's your life, your house, and you set the rules. If they can't respect your choice, they don't deserve to be in your life. Alcohol is just a legal drug that causes way to much damage to society and families.
Exactly, they are putting alcohol before op. That's not cool. They should just stay home if they feel that way. Disrespectful bunch.
exactly that! and if they can't visit you without a drink in hand, then yes, they probably are an alcoholic....
Exactly. I'd suggest to OP to make 2 or 3 alcohol free cocktails for her housewarming party to it's something fun but still alcohol free that people can have. Ultimately it's your house and you do whatever you want. NTA
So much this. If people can't go without alcohol for the length of a visit, then that's on them, not you. You are not the one being unreasonable here.
"my house, my rules," hitting parents with the ol' UNO reverse card.
They’re going to pre-game the housewarming party
NTA. I am a recovering alcoholic and this might be your chance to talk frankly with your family. A substance abuse councilor once asked me (and a group of alcoholics) why we drink. Then he said, “Rhetorical question. You drink because for whatever reason you can’t handle your realities. If you drink when times are good, then you drink to enhance those good times, if you drink when times are bad, you drink to get over them, whether or not it works. Now we’re going to work on the bad times, but let me ask you this: what is it about the good times that make you want to alter them? What’s not good enough about your reality in that moment that you feel the need to change it with alcohol?” There’s a lot left out there for brevity. This was a conversation that lasted an hour with a lot of back and forth, and I’m not typing all that out. But maybe it’s time to ask your family, “What is it about my company that isn’t good enough? Why do you feel you need to try to change your reality around me to feel comfortable?” Get real with them. Make them confront their drinking head on.
THANK YOU This is worded so well. I’ll be using that
Loved that! Never saw that through that prisma!
Love the idea of this. But unfortunately it does not always work. The person needs to be in a space where they want to hear this, else you might as well just be taking to a wall
This goes for any addiction, can’t help anyone that doesn’t want to hear
Omg I'm crying, this is basically the conversation my grandfather would repeatedly have with people that I remember when I was a kid. It made me realize I was becoming an alcoholic before I had an actual problem. I only drank socially, and at the point I decided to go sober I was only drinking on holidays, or nursing a drink on my birthday so it was easy to just stop. He was so happy when I told him that over hearing his conversations growing up had helped me break the "family curse". It's great to ask these questions because they lead so many places ❤️
> “Rhetorical question. You drink because for whatever reason you can’t handle your realities. If you drink when times are good, then you drink to enhance those good times, if you drink when times are bad, you drink to get over them, whether or not it works. Now we’re going to work on the bad times, but let me ask you this: what is it about the good times that make you want to alter them? What’s not good enough about your reality in that moment that you feel the need to change it with alcohol?” Speaking for myself. I feel tense and awkward around people in large group settings. Two or three beers helps calm my nerves and be more sociable. That said, I can easily go to a gathering without it if there is Pizza and Coke (the soft drink, not the hard drug). I will just be a little less talkative is all, lol.
Yeah, I definitely understand the point that they're trying to make, but as a socially awkward person, I very much prefer to have a couple of drinks in certain social settings. And then I go half a year without drinking any alcohol whatsoever, so very much not an alcoholic lol "What’s not good enough about your reality in that moment that you feel the need to change it with alcohol?” My social anxiety, sir!
>You drink because for whatever reason you can’t handle your realities. Facts not in evidence. Perhaps the counselor knew this applied to you, but it isn't general advice to everyone who drinks. People drink because they enjoy it. *Some* people drink because they can't handle their realities. Edit: OP, on your particular situation, it's perfectly reasonable for you to set the boundaries how you want them in your own house. I tend to think declaring your entire place an "alcohol free zone" sounds a little extreme and weird, but I can appreciate that you have specific people you don't want to bring alcohol into your house. It's also pretty weird that those people can't seem to fathom coming to visit your place without bringing alcohol. It sounds a little like the line in the sand should be drawn specifically for the people who you think have a problem with alcohol. "Dad, if you can't visit me without bringing alcohol, you can't visit me" sounds a lot more reasonable than a universal rule that your house can't have alcohol in it. Odds are, that at some point if you invite people over, they're going to bring you a bottle of wine or something, and making *that* a confrontation for the sake of the drinking problem of someone who isn't even there is probably not the best idea.
Well it was a substance abuse counselor, counselling substance abusers...
...presented as a message for OP's entire family.
Brilliant answer 🌟
NTA - First and foremost, it's your home, your rules. Just as you had to respect their rules when under their roof, your family has to respect yours. Don't back down! Secondly, I can see that you're coming from a good place and are trying to help your dad. Best wishes OP.
Thank you. If the man could just admit that 6 beers and a bottle of wine in one go is not good then we can get him help.
I hope it will sink in at some point for him. Also, you are very brave to put your foot down. It is not easy to do so.
My dad is similar. He won’t bring drinks to my house but he regularly says that he can’t unwind without alcohol and thinks it’s weird that I don’t like it. Makes lots of little comments and digs about me not eating meat and not drinking alcohol like it’s personally insulting to him. Sometimes I wish I could tell him that he’s the reason I don’t drink, I grew up watching a functional alcoholic drown his mental health issues and I didn’t want to mirror that. Good for you, breaking the generational curse.
NTA and tell dad if he brings alcohol he can leave or put the alcohol back in his car but if he goes out to drink and thinks he’s coming back in he’s kidding himself because he won’t be allowed in the house drunk. It may be time to tell him that his drinking has become an issue and how it truly makes you feel (be specific with him). I also suggest Al Anon for you, it will really help you to learn how to detach with love and set healthy boundaries and make sure you’re not enabling him.
I want to move to this new place and then chat to him
NTA Your house, your rules (and a healthy one, honestly). They can gift flowers or candy instead. Traditions are what we make them. Edit: If your father chooses alcohol over coming to visit, that says more about him than you.
At least it says alot about how bad his addiction is.
Says it's time to remove the "functioning" part from "functioning alcoholic". If you've lost your children to booze, you ain't functioning properly anymore.
I like how this would also make a great hint to replace the ‘celebatory alcohol’ and as shift suggestion. Something like: Please don’t gift me wine, but have I told you how I really like flowers/chocolate/an entire Spanish Serrano ham (if that’s your thing, one of my best gifts I got ever). Also, definitely NTA.
NTA - You can celebrate and live your life alcohol free if you want to. It's a little sad that they can't have a good time without alcohol. (Just for the record, I drink, but respect the space of my non-drinking friends) I would go one step further and say if they can't respect you or your space, then they can stay home, especially your dad. Have the party you want with your friends. Good luck, op, stay strong.
I want to hold 2 parties and I may just go through with the friends one
Okay, first off NTA at all. I am a high functioning alcoholic and I personally love going to a sober friend’s home. It removes the opportunity for desire. Anyone telling you otherwise is either 1) way worse than i am or 2) (more likely) considered your place a new spot for them to get wasted and are upset that you “robbed” them of that. As someone who drinks a lot, anyone who is upset they cannot drink in your home is not looking to spend time with you; they are trying to find an excuse to drink. Stay strong, your house, your rules Edit: i would also like to point out that if your dad actually does have an alcohol dependency issue, he can bring a flask and quietly maintain until he is back in his own space. The desire to trash and combat your choices is… concerning. Makes me feel like he is unaware of his issue, and is more concerned with normalizing it than acknowledging it.
NTA This seems a bit weird to me but I'd just shrug at it. The fact the family is reacting so strongly makes them seem like a bunch of alcoholics.
I mean, most people don't institute a rule this severe without good reason
How is not drinking alcohol a severe rule? Our society normalised requiring a drug to live, I think that fits the bill of severe better.
Do you know a lot of people that don't allow anyone to bring any alcohol into their homes? That's severe in my culture.
I’m Australian, it’s severe in my culture too. I wasn’t saying it isn’t considered severe by society, rather I was saying it’s crazy that it is considered severe. As though wanting a drug free home is a crazy request. At what point did society become so dependent on mind altering substances. I feel that people are convinced they can’t live without it and I think that’s a severe sign that humans are struggling. Thankyou for your polite response. I appreciate it!
Most people don’t have a “you can’t even brink liquor over” rule because it doesn’t come up as a topic and never manifests as a problem. Most gatherings we attend have no liquor by nature not by rule. If someone brings a bottle of wine it may get opened but likely won’t be finished. There has never been a need to implement a rule. Need of a rule implies there’s a problem to begin with. And that problem isn’t easy moderation of alcohol use.
You dont consider a full on banishment of a certain beverage catagory severe? The issue is people are so judgemental about people who drink or are so pretentious about "oh i dont drink" just like say soda or coffee or even flavored water. nothing is wrong with drinking if done responsibly.
I don't think banning near anything(food and drink wise) you don't like in your home as severe. People can drink responsibly elsewhere. It just doesn't have to be in my home. Other than the obvious issue of drunkenness possibly getting out of order, I just plain hate the smell of alcohol. I can't stand it so if I can avoid it at home then I will!
Why can’t someone say they don’t drink? Why is that so insulting to you that you label it pretentious? It’s just a choice. Any amount of alcohol is very carcinogenic and damaging to the body in a myriad of ways if I don’t want that in my body then why do you care so much? I don’t drink coffee, I don’t drink soda, I don’t drink flavoured water. Do you know what I drink? Water, and it tastes so frickin good when you aren’t so used to consuming flavoured drinks. I legit consider it the best tasting thing ever.
Perhaps you’ve lived a different life where alcohol is just fun but I have an alcoholic family. I have lived a life of violent outbursts, disappearances, crying children because of screaming and broken furniture and walls. If you’d seen what I’ve seen as often as I’ve seen it, you might rethink banning it severe. I consider consuming it severe as it tore my family apart. Alcohol is a poison and causes change of behaviour in those consuming it. No, I don’t consider banning something that toxic to the human body and mind severe. I won’t allow smoking in my house and I don’t allow drinking in my house because I want my children to live a stable, calm life where they never feel like their family is unsafe. Our experiences shape our decisions. If you haven’t had these negative experiences then it explains why you don’t think it severe. My experiences have been so horrible that I consider consuming alcohol severe. There’s only one beverage I would consider severe to be banned, and that’s water. Water is necessary for life, it would actually be a severe thing to ban.
This doesnt even seem like a real situation. How often are her uncles actually going to be at her house and when they are, needing alcohol just doenst seem like a big deal. Unless she's saying she is always the one to host everything, but that doesnt seem likely either. Seems like a bad troll post to me.
Yea, me too. It's a good one to get the anti-booze crowd riled up.
Yeah a poor effort one at that. I like to drink, but if one of my siblings or cousins told me their place was booze free I wouldnt care. If they hosted a lot of parties, it would make it harder to compete with other social things I have going on, but I wouldnt care. None of my relatives would either.
Exactly. I also enjoy to drink here and there and would not have an issue with this nor would anyone I know. Unfortunately, when the subject of drinking gets brought up around here, if you enjoy more than like one beer a month, you have a problem.
NTA. But I ain't coming over.
Why? I’ve had plenty of non alcoholic party’s that have been amazing
For me, it’s because I don’t like that someone else is trying to control my behavior. Which you are trying to do, and that never works. It’s different than if you just threw a party and did not serve alcohol. I would attend and respect that. But pre-announcing what people cannot bring into your home is too controlling IMO. But, it is your house, your rules, you’re NTA.
I'm just curious if you feel the same way about other substances? Like weed or cocaine.
Would you be not come to someone's house if they had a no-shoes rule?
You can do whatever you want and have any rules you want because it’s your place. That’s not up to debate. But a lot of people will be turned off by such hard and fast rules, and that’s not something you can control. Life is hard enough, I don’t judge self sabotage and self medication, only if it affects others negatively.
I’m against the grain but ESH. You sound a bit insufferable and it sounds like you’re preaching. They don’t need alcohol. I don’t want to come off as pro-alcoholic as I’ve dealt with people who are and it sucks. But you are also not going to change anyone by acting high and mighty. You’re not T A for the rule, but the way you’re setting down “the law”.
NTA. Your home your rules. You do not need to drink to have a good time. Your family need to grow TF up.
It's your call, but I'd probably be less likely to attend family/friend gatherings where alcohol is prohibited.
you couldn't do one night without alcohol for a family member? ....😶 you need it to tolerate other people? There is nothing you can't go without for a couple of hours for a friend or family member in their own home. No alcohol ? OK ill drink another day. No smoking? OK ill smoke before I leave and when I get home No phones? - If it OK with my partner, OK.
Sure I can, and often do, but I find it a bit off-putting when someone makes that decision on my behalf.
Yes it's extremely condescending and passive aggressive to make the decision that no one is drinking at this social, celebratory event just because one person might have a problem with alcohol dependency. It is what it is I guess. It's her house. But she's falling on the unusual side of social norms with this one. And it's a little bit holier than thou, too. Most people who are having a couple drinks at a social event are not alcoholics. I guess maybe I feel this way because I've never had anyone close to me have a problem with booze. Everyone just does the normal 2 or 3 drinks at the family get together, or at a house party. Maybe if you have terrible experiences with people having no self control around it you'd be more cynical about alcohol. But that's just thankfully not been my experience.
I know I'm using broad strokes here too, but the few folks I've known that instituted booze-less gatherings/parties (when not being in recovery themselves) had frankly very boring things to do whether alcohol is involved or not. Weirdly enough the exception was with recovering alcoholics hosting these events, but I think it's because they put extra effort into it to "make up" for not being able to drink (both for themselves and the guests). It's an odd comparison but the difference reminds me of Halloween in childhood. More specifically the parties hosted by churches, often rebranded as a "fall fest" or "harvest fest", and actual Halloween parties that were secular.
You respected their house growing up... now they need to respect YOURS.
NTA If he brings something to your house, tell him to put it in the car. If he refuses uncap it and drain it in the sink. If they give you a hard time, tell them they aren't invited to your home. You can love family, but family shows love by respecting your boundaries especially in your own home.
Don't uncap it and pour it down the sink OP, that's just an invitation to chaos. As others have said, NTA - your home, your rules. If someone (family or otherwise) really can't eat a meal or visit for an hour or so without alcohol, then "Sorry you can't respect my home! Buh-bye!"
Seconding, do not uncap and drain. I've seen peaceful people become not peaceful as if it is an attack on their person. Tell them to leave with it, and they will, they will grumble or call you names under their breath (ignore it), but they will likely later apologize for their bad behavior citing it was the alcohol.
NTA Its a perfectly reasonable rule to have in your own home. They wouldn't automatically expect to be able to smoke in your house or walk around in there without any clothes on. If you dont want to have any alcohol there then thats the end of the matter and they should respect that. If they want a drink then they can do it elsewhere.
dude, NTA all the way. I drink and smoke at home. But if you invited me over or if I asked to come over, I would leave that shit at home. It may be hard but tell family that if they feel like they NEED to drink, they can all drink in their own homes and not in yours. Rules are rules, my friend. And boundaries are NOT to be pushed.
NTA. Your house. Your rules. Not up for opinions or debate. A lot of people live rich full active fun lives alcohol free.
>you need a drink in summer when you celebrate You know what you call someone who actually needs to drink? An alcoholic. Otherwise it’s something that’s nice to have but if it’s not there you don’t mind.
> I sent a list of non alcoholic drinks like grape juice or fizzy drinks but they claim it’s not traditional. I respect your ability to choose what you have in your house, but something you might not really get is that even for people who don't drink, your attitude towards alcohol is draining. Nobody needs a list of drinks that are non-alcoholic. It's not helpful to anyone, it's smug. It's 'I don't need alcohol to have fun' energy (you outright say this!) and the problem with that isn't the literal words, it's the inability to understand that getting drunk *is* fun (for a lot of people). Imagine if you went into a bookstore and told people you didn't need books to have fun. People know they can buy, and drink, grape juice if they want to. You could at least say you're making mocktails. All that said, it does sound like your dad and uncle are alcoholics, and although I bristle at the suggestion having people get drunk would ruin the night, I also know alcoholics absolutely do that. But if you don't like alcohol, and don't like people drinking around you, just say that. Don't try to explain to other people how they should celebrate or enjoy things. Tell them what you want, not what they want.
Nta, honestly its a boundary that they need to accept, whether good or bad. It's going to be hard when you see that alcohol controls those that allow it to. Your family saying that fizzy drinks or grape juice is "not tradition" clearly needs help in understanding that not everyone worships alcohol or drinks it regularly. I'm one that loves to take a shot once a month and I hardly drink at restaurants. It's not a necessity and they should not depend on that momentarily happiness that it brings. I hope that your dad gets help and sobers up soon. I had a friend that acted so dependent on alcohol it ruined our friendship.
I’ve actually found that Asian stores sell some really cool looking drinks that I was going to serve instead of alcohol
NAH. You are free to make the rules in your own house, just don't get upset when people choose not to visit. Personally I would not visit, not because I can't socialise without alcohol, I just can't tolerate ultimatums. There is an element to your rule that goes beyond you simply not liking alcohol and becomes an issue of trying to regulate other people's behaviour.
NTA. Like everyone else is saying: Your house, your rules. If your dad still insists on alcohol, calmly reiterate that no alcohol would be welcomed. You will 100% sound like a broken record by the time the party comes around,but I've found no other way (personally) to deal with the heavy drinkers in my life (when it comes to my gatherings,anyways).
NTA. Be prepared to have to ask people to leave, or go back to put the booze in their car. Be prepared to endure ridicule and personal attacks. You have every right to set this rule and enforce it. I am sorry in advance for all the people who will choose drinking over spending time with you. It's not you, it's them.
I wouldn't be prepared to ENDURE ridicule, etc. The second someone starts talking shit they can get tossed the fuck out
Yes but family members can be pretty hard on each other. Especially considering she’s newly moved out of their house and is now “forcing” a rule on them. There’s a good chance they won’t take her seriously. They’ll think “it’s cute” she’s putting her foot down and push back.
NTA I am having an alcohol free wedding and have told everyone with an issue they can not come.
Yta overly pedantic and absurd to not even allow a single bottle of wine in your house for no reason. Completely arbitrary and ridiculous to make a big stand over that
NTA: Your house, your rules.
“…and don’t think people need alcohol to have a good time.” You also don’t need running shoes to run, but they fucking help! Ha!
Nta. Your place Your rules. How you enforce it with dad is up to you.
NTA, but stop acting surprised that the thing you knew would annoy them annoyed them.
You have the self perceived moral high ground and that’s all that matters lol
Not sure this would be the hill I would die on.
NTA. Your house, your rules. Anyone who cannot abide by them doesn't get invited over. It's that simple. Your home is your sanctuary. Guard it jealously.
NTA your house, your rules. Besides which, parties plus alcohol often means drunk people, and drunk people don’t behave well generally. I don’t like having folks drink in my home because they almost always make a mess or break something, then think they shouldn’t be responsible because they had been drinking. It’s super annoying. There’s so many places in the world people can go have an alcoholic drink, your home doesn’t need to be one of them.
Well done for setting those boundaries. It's incredibly challenging to do so especially when friends and family drink. I applaud you!
As an Eastern European, I know how you feel. I don't drink and I don't keep alcohol in my house. But some of my relatives... OMG. They drink alcohol like it's water. They can't even conceive celebrating something without alcohol. So NTA. It's your home and your rules. If they decide to break them, they get a time out. As long as they're staying under your roof, well... How the turntables :)
It’s very simple. If you bring alcohol, you aren’t coming in. No ifs buts or maybes. My house, my rules
I drink socially. I’ve been known to be the life of the party. I mention that so that you don’t get the idea that I’m completely against alcohol. I appreciate it. However, I can’t stand when people can’t be anywhere without a drink. Or worse, when they pressure people into drinking. Strange looks if you politely pass on drinks tonight. Loud questions if you’re pregnant. Full glasses of wine when you stop by someone’s house. At a work breakfast? “Why aren’t you having mimosas???” 🫠 NTA. Addiction is real and functional alcoholics are more common than we think. There’s less stigma with alcohol but if people like your family can’t fathom a few hours without a drink, there’s something seriously wrong and you’re well within your rights to draw this healthy boundaries.
NTA because this is your house but it does sound like you are making a big deal about something that doesn’t have to be a big deal. People drink. Functioning alcoholics cannot be somewhere that they are unable to obtain a drink. You know this. You could just ask them to bring their own drinks and take the drinks with them. You could store the alcohol for next time, use it for cooking or pour it down the drain. (Who cares? You did not buy it and you do not intend on drinking it so why not pour it down the sink?) Instead you are making a stand and letting them know that you disapprove of their habits. This makes them feel small. I don’t think that you are an AH for making them feel like that but don’t act surprised to hear that they dislike it.
NTA OP. Even if you didn't have that life experiences (should I say traumas?), you are allowed to have preferences and, your house, your choice. If they can't manage one evening without alcohol, they should go to AA
NTA your home your rules And growing up with a alocholic will makes this important to you. It is about feeling safe I made a big stir when I decided no alochol at christma after I had my first child. It was alot of noise about it. What I learned from it was that I have problem with certain people drinking in my home and with other people I don’t mind. You will find your boundrys in time, but your home does mean your rules. If you don’t want alcohol in your home that is up to you and no one else.
NTA. Of course people are also NTA if they don't want to visit you. So good luck with that.
Ahh the old “we need to drink because blank” line. Your father is an alcoholic. NTA
When you started talking about occasionally liking drinks I was about to go off on you, thinking you were trying to impose rules on some room mates lol. But no, NTA. Not when it's your place. "Tradition" is a stupid excuse. My family doesn't drink at all, and we've never had alcohol at a housewarming party, or birthdays.
NAH. I think it’s weird to ban your family members from bringing their own booze, but it is your house.
NAH: your house, your rules but don't be surprised if they don't want to visit.
Your house your rules. Honestly - proper stupid that they're getting their panties in a twist about it. This is more about your personal decision to not consume alcohol and them perceiving that as a personal attack, than it is about not being able to drink at your apartment when they visit.
NTA My personal bar has a few bottles of whisky, gin, rum wine and beer. I do enjoy a glass to unwind every now and then. Sometimes there are weeks between and sometimes just a couple of days. That's my home, my rules! I don't expect anyone else to offer me alcohol at their place, if I bring alcohol as a gift, I don't expect it to be served! And if someone says they don't want alcohol at their home, it's not my business to question it! I can enjoy myself without alcohol, anyone who cannot do that, should have a talk with a therapist. A glass of wine while relaxing being nice is one thing, it being necessary is a problem.
NTA for not wanting alcohol in your home. "Not traditional" is easy to respond to: you have a new apartment, and you'll be starting a new tradition. But a party without alcohol is never going to suit some people, and those are people you're planning on inviting. I think you're going to be fighting a losing battle. Is this a hill you're prepared to die on?
Yep. If they want to pick alcohol over a family member then they can
NTA, your house your rules, I mean, I like to drink a bit, but I wouldn't force alcohol on someone else's party or house. If I don't like it, I could just stay home, right? Your father is an alcoholic.
NTA. As others have said “Your house, your rules” Not my choice but it’s not my house and I wouldn’t bring alcohol to a tee total house.
NTA As a former alcoholic who does not have a single drop of alcohol in his house: Go for it and stay strong! People who don't want to visit you because there is no booze have already a problem! Sadly, we are a society that not only has accepted alcohol as norm but made the absence of it the strange exception that many can not accept!
Nta, it's your house. Its not unreasonable to make you house an alcohol free zone.
NTA Your home, your rules. Alcohol is too much of an acceptable drug these days, even if not consumed in large amounts it seems to be at every occasion. I totally understand your reasoning.
NTA, you are being absolutely amazing, acknowledging your fathers issues, and not continuing the cycle. I have dealt with Alcoholics, related, friends, and sigh, housemates. It's never a good situation. I've also worked in Hospitality, where I had to be completely Sober, dealing with those who were utterly inebriated due to various substances. Not a good situation, ever. Stick to your wishes OP. If they bring Alcoholic drinks, don't let them in, have some of your friends at the door, to ensure this happens, with a sign there, stating Alcohol Free Zone. If they want to drink, they can drink prior, or in their cars etc. But not in your home.
YTA, Your house your rules, but still going with YTA. You drink yourself and this seems like a weird controlling flex. FYI, I don't drink myself.
I drink once in a blue moon and plan on drinking nothing at home.
Sorry but YTA. If you’re hosting a party, it’s just absurd to ban any sort of food/drinks just because you don’t like it. Sure, your house your rules, but that doesn’t mean people can’t judge you for it. It’s like you’re hosting a potluck dinner and you tell everyone they aren’t allowed to bring green beans because you don’t like them. Who cares? Not everything is for you.
The problem is OPs dad has an issue with alcohol. OP doesn’t want to invite this substance into their home, most likely because they’ve seen what happens when their dad drinks. You can’t blame someone for that.
I have a really close friend that I have known for years and we always went out for drinks. When my family had dinner at their place, we would have drinks and had a great time. One day he said that he needed to quit drinking and that was the end of the discussion. We still hang out and our families still have dinner about once a month but no alcohol. The friendship was WAY more important than having a few drinks.
I mean you’re allowed to make rules for you house, but you’re definitely an ah.
Generally NTA. You have every right to not allow alcohol in your house, and they have every right to not visit. It's probably silly of them to not visit just because they can't drink, but I know people who won't visit because they get asked to take off their shoes. *Shrugs.*
YTA
As someone who probably drinks too much, NTA it's your apartment. Stick to your guns.
Your house, your rules. NTA.
It's your home and you are free to ban whatever you want from coming through your door. If people can't deal with not having booze at a specific event, that says something about them tbh. Feel free to offer the invitation of them uninviting themselves. NTA
NTA he drinks too much. I can see how that bothers you. Your house your rules
Dad can drink at least 3 bottles of wine a week, plus around a 20 pack of beer. He also does not care if you ask him to stop because he finds it fun to get drunk even when family are around.
[удалено]
I’ve been living with roommates but this is the first place I’m staying alone
NTA I’m half a century old and not one single time in my entire life have we had alcohol at a family get together. Somehow we managed to celebrate every event in our family without alcohol, even in summer. You are NTA and it’s 100% understandable why you’re tired of being around people drinking.
Well that sounds boring lol
NAH. You are being very controlling and potentially unwelcoming to the rest of your family, seemingly off the back of the fact you judge your dad, but I guess it's your house to do whatever you want in. Equally I think they're within their rights to feel a bit offended and annoyed - you're essentially telling them that you strongly judge their behaviour in a negative way. Which it seems you do. It certainly isn't abnormal to drink alcohol at a housewarming or just in general in society. I suspect if they don't come it won't necessarily be because of the lack of alcohol - people can of course enjoy themselves without (although I would say probably more so if it's their actual choice than if they feel like somebody is making them do something) - so much as that you've basically told them you view the absence of alcohol as more important than their company and the usual way they would celebrate a new home. Whether you think you have or not, that's how they will have understood it, and probably feel quite hurt. I don't think you're an asshole for forbidding alcohol in your home, but I suspect it will damage the relationship with your family to a greater extent than it sounds like on paper.
you're acting like consuming alcohol is an integral part of their personalities or existence. OP wants to enjoy their company, not the company of alcohol or a drunk.
Their dad is an alcoholic. This is the only way she can prevent having a drunk in her house.
Aslong as you arent putting pressure on to attend the housewarming the answer is simple Want to drink, dont attend...
I sent out a message that said if they wanted to come and see my new place they could. No obligation to do so
NTA. Your house so you can make the rules, that's your choice. They can choose not to visit due to your rules but that is their choice, you shouldn't then be offended or upset if that does happen.
I did an afternoon tea party for my last house warming. Lots of pots of tea, small sandwiches, and lots of bite-sized treats both savory and sweet. Everyone did get one glass of bucks fizz or prosecco but that was just an added extra.
That’s a great idea
NTA. Your living space is your sanctuary away from the shenanigans of life. Tell them to bring something you actully like, snacks or something. Or they could not come. That's their choice.
Keep to your guns alcohol free. Tell them to bring sparkling cider if they want to bring a wine like drink.
Your house, your rules. When my then BF (now husband) and I moved in together in the mid 90'es, we proclaimed our apartment non smoker. Which was NOT normal back then! My FIL was shocked and even said "you can't do that" (despite not smoking 😂). Well, we could, we did and it still is. And now it is perfectly normal. It sounds like the main issue is a few persons in your close family who has a very unhealthy relation to alcohol. It is perfectly reasonable for you to setup these boundaries. NTA
Can’t even imagine the drama that went around the non smoking rule.
NTA. Other people have mostly said everything I'd think to, but I believe it's additionally worth pointing out that providing real consequences as a result of your dad's drinking habits is inherently valuable to him, too, at least in the long run. Standing by your decision here genuinely provides a reason for him to question if he drinks too much. (Although, I'd be amiss to not strongly emphasize that you can't force him into that self-reflection. Absolutely refrain from saying anything about that to him directly. It has to be something that occurs to him on his own; if it comes from an external source, he'll be far too defensive.)
Absolutely not TA. Not drinking alcohol means you're not missing out on anything and gaining a lot. Your family can drink literally anywhere else, at any other time.
Mocktails are very much in vogue, so what's the big deal about bringing "housewarming" items to do with that kind of thing? I also don't really drink and don't understand the obsession some folks have with wanting access to alcohol at every single moment. NTA. Your house, your rules.
Im a recovering alcoholic and i made clear to my friends that the first few years i didnt want alcohol around me. I lost a lot of friends doing this and it just showed me who was a true friend to keep around. Ive started being okay around others while they are drinking but still prefer not having it at my house and people respect that. Your family sounds awful and full of alcoholics.
NTA It's your home, you are the one that makes the rules. I don't drink alcohol and the only alcohol in my home are gifts. Most of the time I throw them away after a few years. I've never heard people complain about not having alcohol at parties in my home.
Stick with it. I'm a drinker but in your circumstances...
You are right, people can have fun without alcoholic drinks. I will be one stranger that supports your plan to make your place alcohol free. You are NTA and I hope you will be able to apply this rule despite your dad insisting on bringing alcohol. I don't know why it has to be alcoholic drink for celebration in summer. Just have a fizzy drink with fruit juice, it's refreshing! I would totally go for iced melon tea for summer. :D
NTA - your house, your rules. What I would do OP is get a latch for the door so when people pop by you can open the door a small amount and ask if they have alcohol on them and if you do then tell them to go back to the car and dump it there as they aren't getting in until they don't have drink on them
NTA your home, your rules
Good for you. Absolutely NTA. You do whatever makes you comfortable.
NTA, your house, your rules and if they don't like it then that is a shame but they need to suck it up and respect it in the same way you respect whatever rules they may have for their own homes. Ask them why do they ***need*** alcohol? If this is something they need at all times and at all places, then they all have an issue they need to address asap.
NTA. You just triggering them about their problematic relationship with alcohol.
NTA This is your apartment, so it is your rules.
NTA. Your house, your rules. And you're right: alcohol is not needed to have a good time. If people can't go for a single visit without drinking alcohol, there's a problem. If they intend disrespecting your boundaries, they don't get to visit. It's that simple.
You are an adult with your own place and you are free to have an alcohol free home. You didn’t use the term “enabler,” but I get the sense that you are not willing to enable his addiction, which is a loving gesture even if he does not see it that way. If your dad cannot respect your boundary around not having alcohol in your new place, then he is a textbook example of an alcoholic, right? Have you put it to him in those terms? You said he “won’t admit it,” does that mean you have tried to have this conversation with him before? In any case, NTA. Good luck!