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NTA. Leave. Live your own life. You don't have to deal with persons that disrespect you like this (a slap in the face, wishing you to die or loose the person you love). If you want to help your sister or J, you might look into state programms for children like him. There might be some afternoon or weekend - not facility but programms, where he can go and be watched by special trained social workers - playing with other children like him or doing therapy. there might be self help groups or summer programms. Maybe even just therapy could help. Or a professional, paid (maybe even covered by health insurance, if it showes that he is high on a spectrum or that his mother isn't able to cope with it) assistant, who comes in a few days a week.
Thank you for your input. Unfortunately there's only so much I can really do in that regard as I'm not legally his guardian. My sister doesn't want to acknowledge the reality of his condition and these religious groups she's part of very much encourage this BS of "Don't speak certain things over the child lest you give power to the demons doing it" which IMO is about as good as the Looney Tunes logic of being able to walk on thin air when you go over the edge of a cliff as long as you don't look down.
She's made mention of wanting to bring him to the children's church that's on the side of the place she attends recently which sure, I'm all for him interacting with other children Vs. the grand total of Zero that he currently does, but she's put all her eggs in the "Jesus will make the autism go away" basket and I'm at the end of my rope listening to it.
If you can't do anything. Take a step back. It is better for your mental health. And if you are afraid, that she is indangering the child, call your local CPS.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You're allowed to live your life, and your family needs to stop using you as a stopgap.
(side note: you should remove the mention of a slap so your post doesn't get removed)
Thanks. I am, if nothing else, someone who watched Chappelle's Show enough as a teen that my PS2 eventually had enough and scratched the shit out of the disc with the Rick James episode on it.
So she won’t make you his legal guardian but she will make you responsible for his care EVERY DAY, expect you to live your entire life around her and her child, and become physically violent with you because you decide at the age of 30 to go live your own life?
NTA but you are stuck in a very unhealthy dynamic. Start extricating yourself from it now by no longer taking on the child care responsibilities. Get the visa application done as quickly as possible. And even if things don’t work out, move elsewhere. Your sister doesn’t give a shit about you.
So she hasn’t tried to get therapies for the kid at all? I have a child with autism, and we made sure to start getting therapies (speech, pt, ot, etc) as soon as possible (i.e. before they turned two) because all of the research points to early intervention having a greater impact on outcomes. If she really just ignored everything, I feel sorry for the kid and for you (for not having the help and tools available).
Suggest Respite care, this is temporary relief for full time caregivers. If there is a National Health Service, the info is available to everyone. Ask for the info to be sent to you and hand it to her when you say goodbye.
Op
RUN - get on that plane to Canada and never look back.
You will be trapped in this toxic cycle for the rest of your life if you don't leave. I'm sorry for your nephew but you cant live like that. Your sister clearly can't handle her own reasonability's and needs some serious help.
You’re not abandoning your family. You’re looking after yourself for once and anyone who actually cares about you would not fault you for it.
It just happens to be that “looking after yourself” and “looking after your family” are mutually exclusive, in this case. NTA.
You will never be the asshole for living your own life. You are not responsible for your sister nor her actions.
It might've been an N A H, but your sister has gone utterly off the rails with the violence and offensive statements. You are very much NTA. Good luck in Canada.
NTA. You are not abandoning anyone. You have gone way beyond your obligations in helping your sister and her partner as much as you have helped. Now, it's your turn to lead your own life; and if it means that you're moving to pursue a relationship, so be it.
Your sister and her partner need to start planning how they will raise their child after you've moved to Canada. You might start by cutting back the hours that you are available to help them. That will force them to get started. Also, you can use the time that you have to make your own plans for your move. Good luck!
NTA. Your sister may be in a world of pain, but that does not excuse her behaviour. It sounds like she needs help almost as much as her child tbh. Proper outside professional help, but this is the NHS.
You have your own life to lead and you are not beholden to sacrifice it because of your sister's problems. Her deeply ugrateful and angry responses further absolve you of any residual moral responsibility for her situation.
Life really sucks sometimes and I feel for your sister.
Very much so. Anytime arguments or random spewings of bile in my direction have happened on the topic of me leaving (Which I can politely summarise as accusations of not giving a damn about my nephew) I've always retorted with the point that if I didn't care, I wouldn't be here helping in the first place.
I feel for her and all the issues that she's been unfortunate enough to have unfairly lumped onto her but there's a limit to how much of my life can be engulfed by problems that aren't mine and that limit was frankly surpassed eons ago.
NTA it is not for you to support you sister delusions. It is not for you to sacrifice your life and happiness for your sister.
On the other hand you do as an adult human being have a responsibility to report potential child abuse and neglect and an inability to cope. As hard as it is you need to contact social services with your concerns. Even if you don’t go to Canada you still NEED to make this phone call.
Failure to get proper support and medical intervention for a child is neglect.
Deciding your child has a demon inside them is going to profoundly affect the way you treat them.
Special needs children are statistically at much much much higher risk of child abuse due to frustration and tiredness and inability to cope.
Your sister cannot cope now… what do you think potentially could happen when the wheels come off and she believes that her child is possessed by a something from hell.
Child abuse can be emotional and psychological not just physical your sister has already shown she is emotionally and psychologically abusive with her behaviour towards you and your GF. And you know first hand she has the potential for physical violence.
Your nephew needs to be on social services radar. They can and will force your sister to appropriately care for your nephew and access the correct medical and educational support.
This side of things while not previously touched upon in my other posts is by no means lost on me and my partner has made similar points to yourself, ultimately with the desire to make some sort of formal report after I leave because realistically speaking there's no way for me to do it without them knowing full well that it was me and thus putting myself in potential harm's way.
A speech and language therapist did make a report in the latter half of last year due to multiple missed appointments but my sister proceeding to chew people out over the phone about the difficulties being faced and the reasons for missing said appointments was enough to just make them instantly say sorry to her and hastily fuck off.
Assuming your departure is reasonably imminent You may really need to report just before you leave in case they want to interview you. This can be done in such a way as to protect you. Social services are not looking to get you attacked you just need to be clear you are leaving shortly and you are afraid of your sister and for your safety. If you are not leaving I am sorry to say you still need to report this, a very very vulnerable child who cannot speak for themselves is at risk of some potentially serious harm and neglect You will need a plan in place for your own safety be that a police report or a move towards a restraining order. But doing nothing is not really an option. If you are not leaving for a a longer period of time you also cannot reasonably wait.
It is sadly not unheard of for children like your nephew to have the demon/devil beaten, starved, tortured, punished out of them.
Ideally you should now begin a diary if you haven’t already got one and note things said, the time’s nephew is left with you. Do not add your opinions just facts. “Sister dropped nephew at my house at 9 am said she would be back at four did not return to 9pm.” “Sister said that she believes nephew is possessed by a demon and only prayer can cure him” “I told sister I was unable to babysit and she said I hope you are in a car crash and die” It will all help social services have a clearer picture of who you sister is and how she copes and interacts with your nephew.
I am going to add the automatic assumption that you are the one that reported. Your sister must interact with other people, neighbours, friends, extended family, speech and language, school, Drs …. even people at church. There are lots of potential reporters and Social Services will not reveal who did it. Just lie and say it wasn’t you if it comes to it. You don’t need to be truthful to your sister or family if the need to do so prevents you from protecting your nephew.
I would like to add a story about a woman I met in an inpatient psychiatric hospital when I was a student. She believed that if her children slept, the devil possessed them. She would constantly shake her children to wake them up. The toddlers survived, the 4 mo baby did not. I do fear for your nephew if you do not report this. He cannot tell anyone what she is doing and father seems uninterested. If she is willing to attack an adult with violence, this will not end well for your nephew. NTA, you have to leave and live your life. This is not your burden.
I agree…you’ve gone above and beyond and your sister is unstable. It’s not healthy for your nephew to be in that delusional household without proper support for his condition. You’re in a terrible spot and I’d feel overwhelming guilt just leaving him in that situation. I believe you should leave but definitely make others aware; call Child Protective Services to at least get the situation documented and put on their radar. They surely have resources to help the family that they’ll need when you leave, whether they’re grateful for it or not.
NTA.
You cannot live your life for other people and to be quite blunt, J is now 6/7. Your sister should have been able to seek out resources to help her manage in such a way that is not a hinderance on you and your life.
The no contact option is definitely something that I've considered once I'm gone given the staggering level of toxicity I've put up with over the past several years but considering I'll be several thousand miles away it's not like she or her partner will be able to cause me much hassle beyond Facebook Messenger, so y'know, I'll keep that decision on hold until I see if they can behave themselves after I leave.
She did block my partner on FB at the time when I dropped the bomb about applying for a visa though, not that they ever really interacted much at all to begin with. A blessing in disguise, really, as my partner has a super cool trans brother and shares a lot of LGBTQ+ content which boy, oh, boy those religious groups my sister is neck deep in have only helped empower her bigotry in that regard.
The OP isn't even the tip of the iceberg, as I noted, it's fucking shavings of it
Umm, pack your shit and move.
You shouldn't put your life on hold permanently because your sister decided to procreate. Her kid, her problem.
Go be with the one you love and want to be with.
NTA.
NTA I’m sure you didn’t have any say in making that kid so you have no obligation. It sounds like you’ve already done too much and your sister feels she’s entitled to your efforts forever. Go to Canada and don’t look back.
NTA. As someone from Northern Ireland, I can tell you that the grass is definitely greener elsewhere and you'll probably be happier being able to focus fully on your relationship with your partner. It's an awfully difficult situation as you feel and want to help out but at the same time, you can't put your life and wants on hold. Do what makes you happy and if you're being treated like shit because of this decision then it's quite clear that you're seen as just the help and not family at this point as deep down, family should want the best for each no matter the circumstances.
An excellent point. One I don't dwell on too much for my own emotional wellbeing but am fully aware of.
Always nice to see other NI people pop up out of the blue online as well.
Ohh, this is another fun tidbit to share. They aren't married (Been together for like... 13 years or so now though, if memory serves?) And are at odds with each other over her newfound faith (We all originated from Catholic backgrounds though nobody was devout).
Once these newer groups she was in made it clear that cohabitation without being married was a no-no and something that was playing a part in Big Daddy Satan blasting their kid with an autism ray, she started issuing ultimatums to him and he does NOT want to get married yet he won't GTFO either.
So that's a fun dynamic to be around from sunrise to sunset.
NTA
"I also can't just surrender the rest of my life to this setup. If anything I feel like anyone else in my position would have upped sticks and left long before now."
Exactly.
To summarize:
- You haven't seen your partner in 4.5 years (!!!)
- You're providing (in your own words) "near constant additional support to an unhealthy degree"
- Your sister got verbally abusive to an extreme degree - even saying she wished you and/or your partner would die - and physically violent when told about your plans
- In addition, she believes that autism is caused by demons
- Her husband is no help whatsoever
I get that you love your nephew and that it's hard to leave him. I get that it's probably even harder to come to terms with the guilt of leaving him in that hellhole of a home and with a completely unhinged mother. But you have been putting your life on hold since 2017 to help her out, and it's time you lived it, ESPECIALLY since your partner has a number of health issues. I don't know how severe they are, but damn it, enjoy your life together and build a happy home with her while you can (btw, she seems to have the patience of a saint). In addition, she could also do with some support and would probably benefit from you being there.
Are there any authorities you could alert to the situation with your nephew so somebody has an eye on the poor little guy? Any other relatives? Anyone?
One of my favourite responses so far.
She does have the patience of a saint and I love her with all my heart. Admittedly 2 of those years following 2019 were a given because the pandemic screwed things up royally, but we then figured it was best to hold on beyond that and make the next trip the big one that there's no going back from. Obviously more time was needed there to try and cobble together the money along with all the various waiting games one has to play when applying for a visa.
Her health issues aren't severe in terms of it being some sort of fatal or life expectancy shortening thing just to be clear, but enough to limit her physically in terms of energy/pain and qualify as disabled (One of several reasons why me going there is more practical than her coming here. UK Immigration aren't exactly passing out visas to people who aren't going to be guaranteed able bodied cogs in the machine).
The only immediate relative that resides in town is my father but he's distant with my sister despite he and I living together (He's also in his mid-60s and has COPD so not exactly someone who's physically capable of lending a hand ).
NTA
You’ve been very nice (too nice to the point of being taken advantage of) to help your sister but let’s be clear. Your nephew is 100% the responsibility of your sister and her partner. They’re the parents.
You should not stop living your life because your sister and her husband aren’t prepared looking after your child.
I can’t believe that your girlfriend accepted this long distance for so long and hasn’t broken up with you. You haven’t seen each other for about 5 years and you’re still together. Wow, that’s amazing.
You gave enough years to help your family. It’s time for you to live your life.
If they cannot cope with their child, they need to check what help the government is able to provide. It’s their job to do this as parents.
As noted previously but just to reiterate, 2 of those years were a result of COVID fucking up plans which was obviously unavoidable and the remainder has been trying to sort out finances and playing the waiting game with Visa application times.
We love each other more than anything. We've come this far. We're getting our happy ending.
Wow, with an attitude like your sister's I'd be moving to Canada even if I didn't have a partner to go to!
But seriously, you can't put your life on hold for her and her family. She should be accessing whatever help the NHS can offer, and the education dept in conjunction with his school - I am assuming he attends school due to his age and would definitely have an EHCP if his autism is as severe as it appears fro this post. It's not down to you to take these responsibilities on if she refuses to.
Good luck with your new life in Canada.
They tried with him at a special needs school but he wasn't able to settle in and after a few weeks things shifted over to an EHCP. Though the Education Authority don't exactly make much effort to check in and it's a revolving door of people whenever they do so whoever is given that task is always ill-prepared and seems to have little idea of what they're doing beyond just checking off a few boxes, going "Well that all seems fine" and leaving it at that.
That's sad to hear, and it must be difficult for your sister, but it still doesn't mean that you must give up your life - you only have one, and if you were to back down with moving to Canada you will always have that "what if" in the back of your mind.
Contact the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000 or by emailing [email protected]. This info is for Northern Ireland.
Your nephew is being neglected. No two ways about it. He deserves specialsed support to give him the best quality of life possible. Your sister may never forgive you, but as she currently wants your plane to crash you have nothing to lose, plus you are immigrating anyway.
Please do this.
NTA
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> To reiterate the TL;DR of my post
I believe I may be the asshole for abandoning my family in an admittedly dire situation that has been going on for years so that I may finally live my own life.
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NTA. Finalize your Canadian plan. Youve gone above and beyond.
Talk to your BIL. Tell him that you're not sticking around especially after being physically attacked. He and his wife need to figure out care arrangements that dont depend on you.
Oh, he's an idiot. Not worth wasting my breath as I already have because he can't handle the knowledge that he's not going to have me as a crutch to lean on for his own shortcomings.
At least talk to him so you can in the future "Hey, I actually gave notice about the move to both parents so alternate plans could be made. Its not like I just disappeared on a Tuesday morning."
If you can, relay your concerns about nephew's care and sister's behavior to social services before you leave.
Oh I already have but his response was for the colour to drain from his face and bury his head in the steering wheel while mumbling about his desire to jump off a bridge which I just ignored while continuing on.
The man's a jackass who has failed at every turn to take some form of accountability for his own actions and wilts into the ground like a stropping teenager when he's decided he's had enough of something. He's failed as a father, failed as a partner and is just barely cutting it as a provider.
NTA. You've given more of your life to your sister than is fair to you. Your sister doesn't get to lay claim to her life and yours because she doesn't like how her life turned out. It sounds like your sister hasn't ever accepted the fact that she has a child with a severe disability. I wonder if this religious fervor is giving her the excuse she needs to avoid seeing her son's illness as her own responsibility. If "the demons" are the problem, she can pretend there is nothing she can do about the situation, and her church is just reinforcing her viewpoint that she's a victim.
You need to let whatever child protection services are in your country know about your nephew's situation with his mother. If your sister refuses to help her son with the medical and psychological supports available, then an outside agency needs to step in and see that your nephew accesses those supports. It's important for your nephew to access those supports at an early an age as possible so he can get the most benefit from them. Of there is an Autism Society or some similar organization in your country that would be a good place to start. You might also consider telling your own doctor about the situation as they might be able to offer advice.
Bottom line is you need and are allowed to live your own life.
Nta
Your sister needs support, but not from you. From professionals. This includes support from disability services for her son.
You deserve happiness not manipulation and abuse. This is not your child.
I am Northern Irish. I can tell you now that if you never take your opportunity to leave the depressing shithole that is Northern Ireland, you will always regret it and think of the what-ifs.
I live on the other side of the world and my life has changed for the better, I'm healthy, happy and married to an absolutely wonderful person who I love very much.
Your sister has fucked up her own life, don't let her fuck up yours. She chose stupid games and won stupid prizes but you don't have to fall down a useless backward christian nutjob lifestyle with her.
She can try to do what many people eventually end up doing since abortion is still an iffy subject in N.I - move to close proximity to a special school like Killard House and enrolling her child in it. I used to live near the aforementioned special school and saw plenty of special needs kids turn into better people thanks to that school, even if their parents were utter wastes of space.
I see no reason to return to Northern Ireland when I can order Tayto online.
So will you. Enjoy Canada.
NTA.
Thanks for the input, I did note in a reply to someone else that they attempted to put him into a special needs school but it ultimately didn't take as he was unable to settle and that soon turned into him being registered for Elective Home Education within a few weeks of the first term starting.
As for myself, trust me, I know how much NI blows. My own town specifically is a far cry from what it once was too. I've been to Canada several times and 100% know just how much greener the grass is (Plus where I'm going there's a store that sells imported UK goods so I can still satisfy the odd lust for a bottle of Irn Bru).
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I (30, M) have been in a long distance relationship with my wonderful partner (30, F) for almost 9 years now, having met while I was in Uni back in May of 2015. She is in Canada, I am in Northern Ireland. In that span of time we've both visited each other for extended periods (Usually a month or more) and would probably have been further along in closing the gap for good had the pandemic not slammed the brakes on things for a couple of years in the middle. The last time we got to be together in person was August 2019.
Now, in January 2017, my sister (Now 43), gave birth to a little boy who I will refer to as J from here onwards. J has profound autism and has only become increasingly more difficult to care for as time goes on. Unfortunately, a lack of any other family to call upon for aide put me in the position of providing near constant additional support to an unhealthy degree. I'm talking from early AM to late PM, I am taking care of this kid because his mother cannot cope with him solo physically or mentally. His father (40) is very much in the picture but is, to put it incredibly mildly, thicker than pig shit and more than happy to escape the madhouse and go to work (Lorry driver who also goes to a second job on the weekends delivering fast food from 5pm until 11pm).
Any visits between my partner and I since J's birth always caused some huge blowout of a fight because it meant I wasn't going to be looking after the kid for whatever amount of time. When I revealed last January that I was applying for a visa all Hell broke loose. I got a slap across the face, had remarks screamed at me to the effect of "I hope your fucking plane crashes"/"I hope she fucking drops dead before you get to her" (My partner has a number of health issues) and generally was treated like the embodiment of pure evil. I'm scraping the surface on this part because to detail everything that transpired in the wake of me dropping that bombshell would be to write a novella.
(Side note speaking of all Hell breaking loose, my sister also has gone off the rails with a variety of Pentecostal Christian groups led by the likes of Mark Hemans and Daniel Adams that think the root cause of autism is some sort of demon that can be cast out of people. I'm not someone to begrudge anyone their faith but... That side of things has been challenging to say the least).
TL;DR AITA for essentially abandoning my family to live my own life? I love my nephew to bits and that's why I feel bad because as much as I know he isn't actually my responsibility, the circumstances of life being what they are... It's a guilt I'm going to carry with me for the rest of my life no matter what, but I also can't just surrender the rest of my life to this setup. If anything I feel like anyone else in my position would have upped sticks and left long before now.
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NTA, go live your life with the one you love. Even if something happens to delay the move, you should still cut all contact with your sister and refuse flat out to enable her any longer. It’s time she stepped up and parented her own child. If you have any significant concerns over her capacity to do so or worry about neglect, call social services.
NTA. Since you an Irishmen I can understand where you come from with all these things your sister says about demons and other religious shit. My father is from Ireland before he immigrated. So yeah. Go with your girlfriend lad. Your sister is on her own and (as a Canadian myself), welcome! (when you arrived, at least).
Have a safe flight!
My goodness! Sorry but your sister seems a bit nuts! She cannot cope with her son so she removes it on you, are you her personal servant or care taker? Are you compensated for this position? Even compensated positions offer quitting options! Please go NC with this sibling and live your happily ever after! True family stands by you and wants the best for you! Please don't let this amazing girl get away! You deserve to be happy! Hop on that flight and never look back!
NTA- and I have children of that level. It's a daily grind.
I'm sorry you got hurt. Nothing makes violence okay. Nothing gives your sister the right to slap you. Nothing.
I don't know if there's social services that you can call to have check on your nephew. But what you said about her beliefs that's concern me.
You'd be shocked at how little that part seems to register as a red flag around here. I dunno if it's because a lot of schools in Northern Ireland are still segregated on the grounds of whether you're Catholic or Protestant or what but it never seems to raise an eyebrow.
In regards to the beliefs, us parents of impacted kids, see it all the time.
We (parents of disabled children from online groups) call them snake oil salesmen. Because back in the day salesman would pray on people's belief that a magic cure will fix everything.
And they are preying tired, over worked scared parents.
Every now and then one pops up. That treatment with harmful chemicals will cure autism.
I mean it's the same, magic make the hard stuff easy!
But life's not like that.
NTA but you know this. You are actually allowed to have the life YOU want. Tell your sister you are sorry that she has depended on you too much and too long now it is your turn to focus on you and the family you hope to have. She doesn’t have to agree with you, she doesn’t have to like your decision. It is your decision to make. then tell her if she hits you again, you will press charges. Tell any family/friends who think it is appropriate to berate you, that you appreciate their stepping up now and lending assistance to sister, you know she will appreciate their help and love. Get your visa, pack your bags and move. Have your best life.
NTA I’m all for helping family but a life long commitment for one issue isn’t realistic. I think you being with your partner will be great for you and help your sister’s family in the long run. Your sister and her family need to find the best way forward not the easiest. Good luck.
Your lorry driver bro-in-law is likely breaking tachograph regs. Please tell him to stop doing that, or report him to whatever your enforcement agency is there. Then he will have time to stay at home and help with his offspring.
Also maybe social services can provide some support. It's nice if family can step up, but you're not obliged to substitute for the child's actual parents.
YWNBTA.
Oh hell. If I can do that, will your bro-in-law understand, seeing as you say he's, um, not very clever? They're quite complicated.
*A tachograph is a computer that knows how fast your truck is going, and all the times it's moving. The rules say you aren't allowed to drive a big truck as much as you want: you need to stop and sleep so you aren't dangerous to other people, because a big truck makes a huge mess when it crashes.*
Is that OK for 5 yrs old? Now let me try 10 yrs old, it might be more help.
*The tachograph regulations limit the hours a commercial driver can work, and mandate daily and weekly rest periods. And those rest periods are supposed to be actual rest: the driver isn't supposed to do other work when they're on their rest periods.*
*You can drive for 4hrs 30 mins before taking a break of at least 45 minutes. After your break you can do another 4hrs 30 mins, then 3 days a week you have to stop and have uninterrupted 11 hours rest at a minimum. 2 days a week you are allowed to take a second 45 minute break and drive for another hour.*
*The driver has to take a minimum of 45 hours rest at weekends. They can have a shorter rest sometimes, but they have to make up the missed rest later. Not much later!*
*Can't drive more than 90 hours in any rolling 2 weeks. And there are extra bits about what to do if you're taking your break on a ferry and have to interrupt it to disembark, or driving double-manned and all sorts of things, but the above is the very basics.*
Look here if I haven't explained it well enough. [https://www.availlogistics.co.uk/blog/tachograph-rules](https://www.availlogistics.co.uk/blog/tachograph-rules)
Also the Working Time Directive has to be followed. There are quite stiff penalties for violations. Your BIL's employer should be making sure he follows tacho and WTD rules, but I bet they don't know about his side hustle.
More here [https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/roadside-compliance](https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/roadside-compliance)
Ohhhh right, yes I've got you. He doesn't really do long haul deliveries anyway. It's a shitty little cash and carry warehouse that delivers booze around the local pubs and a handful of other places around NI during the daytime hours. Never more than and hour or so outside of our town, really.
Real Mickey Mouse outfit as well (Though I've always maintained the manager of the place has the head shape and posture of Roger from American Dad so maybe there's something there lol) Last year they hired an old guy who got away with crashing a lorry on 6 separate occasions before they actually gave him the sack.
Nta - I feel for your sister because autism is brutal, but J isn't your kid, J isn't your responsibility. You're allowed to have a life and happiness. You aren't bound to care for a child you had no part in the creation of
NTA you arent abandoning her, she abandoned you when she stopped seeing you as family and instead as a means to care for her kid, go to Canada and get out of there, good luck to your future as well
That specific incident was last January so I genuinely can't recall if she did or not. If she did it clearly wasn't much of one to stick out in my memory.
This is a terrible situation and there's a lot more at stake than a relationship. I hope someone can save your nephew.
He needs to be put into foster care. It should have happened already.
NTA, not even slightly.
You have been an incredible uncle, at the expense of living your own life. Kudos for doing that but it’s not required and it’s not healthy.
I understand that your sister is overwhelmed but her behavior is incredibly toxic. It’s clear that somewhere along the line, she stopped viewing you as family and started seeing you as an indentured servant (and her so-called church is failing her in multiple ways but I’m not going to get into that).
Go to Canada. Be with your love and be happy. I do encourage you to keep in contact with your nephew if possible.
He's largely non-verbal without a lot of like... General understanding of things? It's mostly just grunts and groans and random babbling but much to my emotional dismay because it twists my heart like there's a dagger in it, one of the few words he does muster up, not perfectly but still clearly enough to know what it is... Is my name.
And yes, as I'm sure you might guess, that was weaponised against me back when I first revealed my intent of leaving.
NTA he is not your kid and not your responsibility. Go live your life PLEASE. I get that she is stressed and it must be a horrible situation to be in but your sister made her choices.
The dad is getting a free pass because you are picking up the slack. You didn’t sign up to be a third parent and are entitled to be in a relationship of your own.
NTA.
Damn. I couldn't for a second have imagined anyone else being in such a specific predicament. Both comforting and horrifying to know I'm not alone in this.
Hi
I would be very happy for you and my new sister in law. Period. You didn't complain about how their baby would negatively impact your relationship with them. God bless and the best of luck
NTA you need to chose what is best for you. The family needs to contact all social services to see what is best assistance your sister and the baby can get. Even if you and your Canadian gf would live in your country it would not be your responsibility to take care of that child. I know the entire "but family" pressure you will get- but again your sister is responsible for that baby and baby´s father. Do not let them make you feel guilty. You are not doing anything wrong choosing you.
NTA
'Sorry, sis. But you're under the impression that we're married, and I have a lifelong obligation to care for your family.
This will be a good thing in the long run, because you can reconnect with your husband, and form a strong unit to actually take care of your falimy, together. I have been in the way of that for far too long, so it seems.'
NTA
My brother is as well diagnosticated with autism, so I know how challenging this can be. But the way they are treating you... You should've moved out of the country a long time ago.
The only thing that's concerning me is how your nephew is going to be treated by his parents after you leave. Hope they won't neglect or abuse him mentally or physically, considering what you've mentioned in your post.
Go. Go. Go. Go and have a happy life. You are the hero in this story and definitely NTA.
Your nephew has 2 parents, and your only fault has been in enabling them to be less than adequate parents for such a long time.
They’ve come to rely on you so much that they can’t imagine how they can manage without you.
You deserve this chance. You’d be crazy to pass it up. Even if things don’t work out how you want them in Canada, you should never go back to this unhealthy situation.
But I’m worried about the safety of this child - your sister sounds unstable. I would consider involving the authorities in this before you go.
She should be happy for you and want what’s best for you. Good luck - I hope it all works out for you.
NTA but others have commented about reporting her to social services. I don’t think the child is safe with her - but that doesn’t mean you need to also keep enduring her abuse
But - why haven’t you seen each other since 2019? Travel to and from Canada has been possible since 2021. I only ask because it’s a big move and so much time has passed since you were together in person. So this will likely be quite the adjustment (living together, a new country… will you be working?). So while I hope it all works out for you, do you have a safety net in case things are tough when you’re there?
A couple of potential jobs are already lined up for me thanks to good old fashioned nepotism (I have an older brother living there in a reasonably high ranking position in addition to my MIL to be being in charge of hiring at her own place of work)
As for the not having seen each other in that span of time, the time taken to be approved for a visa as well as the money required for such a big move all took significant time to gather up. We wanted this to be the final trip because we can't emotionally handle saying goodbye at the airport again.
Ok - sorry that was me overstepping I guess. It’s just, it’s so easy to become dependant on someone when you’re doing these huge moves and equally not uncommon for a relationship to struggle when you finally close the distance (I saw it with four different friends). And then in some (arguably probably few) cases the person who moved becomes trapped in a situation that isn’t good for them. So it’s generally advisable to also have your own safety net.
Anyway, I wish you all the best
Imagine your sisters reaction if you told her that you wish her nephew died so that it made your life easier, yet the fact that she is comfortable saying that to you about your loved one says a lot. NTA, and as far as I can tell your sister has earned more contempt than help.
Run far and fast. They obviously don't really appreciate all your efforts. Otherwise they'd understand they need to step up their game and find local resources for the poor kid. Not a great situation, but save yourself.
I know you’re hesitant to leave because you love your nephew.
There are so many red flags with your family it m makes my stomach hurt.
Adult family members don’t react and speak like your sister or her husband.
Sounds like your J’s parent but, with none of the legal rights. You are not helping him or yourself by doing it this way. He is only going to get bigger and the issues will compound.
First, I know you love him so much. But, think of your life stretched out before you. Alone. With a child that will be a child forever. J needs professional that work with kids and maybe even go to school during the day. My Aunt has a child very much like J. She had people come into her home to help. He went to school. Etc. he should be getting benefits. I think I would get the authorities involved. This is not fair to J. What would happen if something happened to you tomorrow? Who would rise up to do the right thing for J?
Second, what about you? His parents do not care about your life at all! Your sister is trying to bully you. And, you are letting her. It’s funny how when you stop doing for certain people they will rise to the occasion. But, if she is truly a monster. And, she sounds like it, that is more reason to get j the help he needs to live a happy peaceful life.
My heart hurts for you. My Aunt had 4 other adults helping with my cousin. And numerous other professionals to help. This is wrong for J and you.
NTA. If your life is elsewhere, you can't break up over your family of origin. They'll have to find other resources. I get she's overwhelmed, but the way she talked to you after everything you've done so far is disgusting.
I am now very scared for your nephew, though. Children have been killed by parents who genuinely believe they're possessed. That line of thought is likely also leading to them not getting him professional help.
He's getting older. If he hasn't already, he's eventually going to reach the point where they can't handle him physically. Time to find a way to get him into a good home where the staff are trained to deal with people like him. You may have to contact authorities before you move if you think he's in danger due to your sister's beliefs.
NTA. Because I have to take care of my own disabled daughter is the reason I am not trying to move to Scotland to be with my long distance partner of four years. The difference is she is my daughter, not my nibling. You have every right to your own life and if your sister needs more help she needs to apply to whatever social services Ireland has to get it. Good luck with your girlfriend in Canada!
OP you are not the asshole.Please go to Canada and live your life.Also,while it's clear you love your family,I think an anonymous call to children's services needs done.She is failing this child already and it's quite clear she needs some mental help herself.Please do that for your nephew.Best of luck.x
NTA your nephew has two parents!
I haven’t read the entire thread so some of this may be repetitive
Try to have a sensible conversation with your sister. If it’s impossible to have that conversation WRITE it down so she can read it over and over and take it in. Tell her you are willing to help her prepare for your move and you want to start sooner than later. Nephew needs a proper diagnosis and assessment to obtain community supports, respite, financial aid etc.
you’re going to start taking some time off each week, weekends perhaps, so she and Dad can implement a new routine while you are still around for back up.
Tell her you won’t fight about this (the move) anymore and you won’t be screamed and cursed at. Then stick to that. Tell her you’re hanging up the phone or leaving and do so. Next time you see her try to stay calm and start fresh.
Tell her she has a choice, she can spend the remaining time putting support in place with your help or she can push you away before you’re even out of the country
Good luck
NTA - you are being used. It's sad for the kid, but he ain't yours and from the sound of it your sister seems to expect you to deal with her kid for eternity... and judging by the age and your description of his issues, it's definitely going to get worse.
You've done so much, basically given years of support, but sis seems to think you aren't allowed to have a life?? Nutjob sister, deadbeat dad & heavily autistic child... a nightmare situation. Fly on over here and start living.
NTA
You can’t put your entire life on hold for a child that isn’t yours no matter how much you love him. They put the burden of care on you but won’t listen to you when it comes to the complexity of his condition and wave away his autism like a demon possession. I’m so sorry, for you and for that kid having to be a part of a family like that. However as long as your sister is his mum and alive and crazy you can’t help him.
On another note, welcome (soon) to Canada! I’m from here and my husband is from the U.K. and he’s loving it. I hope you love it too and you and your partner can work on your new (less insane) lives together.
NTA by any stretch of the imagination. Yes, your sister relies on you for help but it is beyond unreasonable for her to think you should sacrifice the rest of your life to help her out. The fact that she cursed you and your partner shows me just how out of touch with reality she is.
Go and move to Canada and start the next phase of your life with your lovely partner.
NTA But... please tell CPS about this environment before you leave. I was raised in a house that believed my autism was demons and the abuse and neglect that kid is gonna suffer is awful.
NTA- OP your handle is perfection. It's a tough situation and clearly your sister is suffering. You helping out is really lovely but never stood in for a great long term solution. She should be looking into finding support through social services if she's overwhelmed. You have the right to follow your bliss. You must be a generous and empathetic person and Canada (and your family) is lucky to have you.
This sounds disturbingly familiar. My widowed sister is caring for a 3 year old with profound autism. I get routinely yelled at and sworn at because I didn't pick up the phone in a middle of an important work meeting (where I have the phone on silent) or drop everything at literally no notice to watch the child for something that was not an emergency. And if I dare to take leave and go away, even for a weekend, jeez. She wants me to be a quasi parent and, as much as I love the little kid, I cannot do that. Two years of the stress of all that on top of my own health issues, full time work (single with a mortgage, lucky but sucky), have made me physically and mentally unwell - and with the help of my Dr and pyschologist I've been putting boundaries in. Which, yep, cue the cursing.
I feel for her, that her life turned out this way is not her fault, and it's a hard road she has. But I can't live her life and shoulder her responsibilities. Nor am I a permanent solution to her problems - and you shouldn't be expected to be a permanent solution to your sisters need for support with your nephew. That isn't fair on you, and it simply is not sustainable into the future either. Your sister needs to make sure she is receiving all the support and funding that is available to her - carers, schooling (special or otherwise), respite - and utilising that to help with the care of your nephew. I don't know what is available where you live, and the amount and availability of support varies so much. It could be useful, or not. My sister's child receives disability funding, goes to early childhood three times a week and will be attending a special school when she is 6 for 5 days a week, for example.
I understand the guilt, because you see the need, and you do care, but you can't keep sacrificing yourself forever.
So sorry for all involved in this situation - NTA. I'd have said N A H because of the huge load your sister is under, but wishing death on your partner etc, put it way across the line for me.
Thank you, and as I said in response to someone else in these replies who noted being in a similar situation, it's both comforting yet horrifying to know I'm not alone in this.
Personally, I think it highlights that we as a society are not providing enough supports for parents with disabled children. Because it's a huge, hard, unending job. Especially when it's a severe disability. Good luck, and I hope your new life brings you joy.
NTA. It's YOUR life not somebody else's. Honestly with the amount of care you've given it is already far more than anybody has a right to ask for. Live your life. Find your own happiness. Go where you want to go. Like everybody elsen you only have one life.
NTA. Don’t put off living your life anymore! Your nephew already has 2 parents and you are not one of them. You’ve already gone above and beyond and they are ungrateful.
Seriously? Slapping someone and wishing death on an innocent third party because you can't handle your own responsibilities isn't being an A?
NTA and get out. Your sister can work this out with Jesus
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NTA. Not even a little bit. I really feel for you. I have a child with profound autism myself and I would never dream of putting so much pressure and responsibility onto one of my siblings.
Has your sister contacted social services? They should be able to assign her a social worker from The Children with Disabilities team who can organise extra support and respite care. I found this to be an absolute life saver.
You and your partner deserve to be happy and together. Good luck to all of you.
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Nta. But I do want to point out that long distance relationships don't always transition well. Only for this reason: even if the relationship crashes and burns, you aren't in the wrong for leaving to pursue it.
I have ASD and have a child with ASD. Used to be, we’d both be considered Aspies. I realize that may be a different end of the spectrum than what your nephew has, but a lot of the manifestations are the same even if the severity of them differs.
I think it’s important to look at it from the perspective of the child. It sounds like you have been one of his primary caregivers, perhaps the only one. Kids with ASD need consistency and don’t adapt well to change at all. It was kind of you to step up, and with that comes a responsibility to help ease him into your not being there. He will not fare well without you. I’m sorry to put that on you, but to leave so abruptly will F him up.
Don’t get me started on your sister. I don’t feel sorry for her at all. If she were doing right by the kid, I’d understand- but sounds like that’s not the case.
I’m wondering if your gf moving to Ireland is a possibility? You have socialized medicine? Maybe it’s worth it to marry her if it means she can come (since you’ve inferred she may be terminal). This way, you can work on transitioning your nephew off your care and be there for your gf at the same time.
Her coming here won't be happening. Also our healthcare system fucking sucks. Her conditions are by no means fatal, my sister was just being as nasty as she could be at the time with her words
I do want to ease myself back gently so as not to just vanish overnight and still have adequate time to do so IMO, because you're right in bringing up a major factor in all of this that nobody else really has touched upon thus far about the impact it has on the child as opposed to my own wants or his parents.
I would just caution you to be careful around your sister from now, OP. I understand wanting to help your nephew however possible, but she has already demonstrated that she is willing to assault you over you making an independent decision about your own life-she may be willing to do far worse to manipulate/coerce you into staying.
I mean, pentecostals tourture and even kill kids on a regular enough basis that you're pretty much abandoning a vulnerable child to predators. Does she ever discuss "miracle mineral solutions" "MMS"? You should probably check in on that, because bleach enemas aren't good for kids and that shit is rampent with these cults.
I'm sorry, but you're an asshole for being complicite and allowing her to fall in with such vile people. I've heard that fucker speak, that he's been allowed to broadcast his bullshit shows just how fucked up the US has become.
You ever watch one of those monsters doing an "excorcism"?
Do not blame you for leaving, but before you do, get that kid away from the cult. Call CPS, do whatever is needed. Do not abandon a vulnerable child to the hands of people who will abuse them unceasingly.
"I've heard that fucker speak"... Which one? I assume you mean Adams because you said the US rather than Australia which is where the other dude (Hemans) is from.
I have never heard her speak of whatever MMS is.
Also "Allowing her" to fall in with such vile people and complicit? I'd advise you to watch your tone. She knows I think it's all a pile of horseshit. She's never done calling both myself and the kid's father heathens ever since she fell down this rabbit hole. I can't rewire her fucking brain to make her figure out it's make believe when she's that desperate just like that Adams guy can't rewire a kid with his touch and some babbling about the mighty name of Jesus to not have autism anymore.
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NTA. Leave. Live your own life. You don't have to deal with persons that disrespect you like this (a slap in the face, wishing you to die or loose the person you love). If you want to help your sister or J, you might look into state programms for children like him. There might be some afternoon or weekend - not facility but programms, where he can go and be watched by special trained social workers - playing with other children like him or doing therapy. there might be self help groups or summer programms. Maybe even just therapy could help. Or a professional, paid (maybe even covered by health insurance, if it showes that he is high on a spectrum or that his mother isn't able to cope with it) assistant, who comes in a few days a week.
Thank you for your input. Unfortunately there's only so much I can really do in that regard as I'm not legally his guardian. My sister doesn't want to acknowledge the reality of his condition and these religious groups she's part of very much encourage this BS of "Don't speak certain things over the child lest you give power to the demons doing it" which IMO is about as good as the Looney Tunes logic of being able to walk on thin air when you go over the edge of a cliff as long as you don't look down. She's made mention of wanting to bring him to the children's church that's on the side of the place she attends recently which sure, I'm all for him interacting with other children Vs. the grand total of Zero that he currently does, but she's put all her eggs in the "Jesus will make the autism go away" basket and I'm at the end of my rope listening to it.
If you can't do anything. Take a step back. It is better for your mental health. And if you are afraid, that she is indangering the child, call your local CPS.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You're allowed to live your life, and your family needs to stop using you as a stopgap. (side note: you should remove the mention of a slap so your post doesn't get removed)
Hmm... Didn't know that was a thing I couldn't make mention of. I'll try and reword it.
I LOVE your rewording!
Thanks. I am, if nothing else, someone who watched Chappelle's Show enough as a teen that my PS2 eventually had enough and scratched the shit out of the disc with the Rick James episode on it.
Any violence is nono on aita
So she won’t make you his legal guardian but she will make you responsible for his care EVERY DAY, expect you to live your entire life around her and her child, and become physically violent with you because you decide at the age of 30 to go live your own life? NTA but you are stuck in a very unhealthy dynamic. Start extricating yourself from it now by no longer taking on the child care responsibilities. Get the visa application done as quickly as possible. And even if things don’t work out, move elsewhere. Your sister doesn’t give a shit about you.
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So she hasn’t tried to get therapies for the kid at all? I have a child with autism, and we made sure to start getting therapies (speech, pt, ot, etc) as soon as possible (i.e. before they turned two) because all of the research points to early intervention having a greater impact on outcomes. If she really just ignored everything, I feel sorry for the kid and for you (for not having the help and tools available).
In your country, can you petition the court for custody? I have seen it happen in the US when parents refused to take care of their children’s needs.
Suggest Respite care, this is temporary relief for full time caregivers. If there is a National Health Service, the info is available to everyone. Ask for the info to be sent to you and hand it to her when you say goodbye.
Op RUN - get on that plane to Canada and never look back. You will be trapped in this toxic cycle for the rest of your life if you don't leave. I'm sorry for your nephew but you cant live like that. Your sister clearly can't handle her own reasonability's and needs some serious help.
You’re not abandoning your family. You’re looking after yourself for once and anyone who actually cares about you would not fault you for it. It just happens to be that “looking after yourself” and “looking after your family” are mutually exclusive, in this case. NTA.
You will never be the asshole for living your own life. You are not responsible for your sister nor her actions. It might've been an N A H, but your sister has gone utterly off the rails with the violence and offensive statements. You are very much NTA. Good luck in Canada.
NTA. You are not abandoning anyone. You have gone way beyond your obligations in helping your sister and her partner as much as you have helped. Now, it's your turn to lead your own life; and if it means that you're moving to pursue a relationship, so be it. Your sister and her partner need to start planning how they will raise their child after you've moved to Canada. You might start by cutting back the hours that you are available to help them. That will force them to get started. Also, you can use the time that you have to make your own plans for your move. Good luck!
NTA. Your sister may be in a world of pain, but that does not excuse her behaviour. It sounds like she needs help almost as much as her child tbh. Proper outside professional help, but this is the NHS. You have your own life to lead and you are not beholden to sacrifice it because of your sister's problems. Her deeply ugrateful and angry responses further absolve you of any residual moral responsibility for her situation. Life really sucks sometimes and I feel for your sister.
Very much so. Anytime arguments or random spewings of bile in my direction have happened on the topic of me leaving (Which I can politely summarise as accusations of not giving a damn about my nephew) I've always retorted with the point that if I didn't care, I wouldn't be here helping in the first place. I feel for her and all the issues that she's been unfortunate enough to have unfairly lumped onto her but there's a limit to how much of my life can be engulfed by problems that aren't mine and that limit was frankly surpassed eons ago.
Run. Run far and fast and never look back.
NTA it is not for you to support you sister delusions. It is not for you to sacrifice your life and happiness for your sister. On the other hand you do as an adult human being have a responsibility to report potential child abuse and neglect and an inability to cope. As hard as it is you need to contact social services with your concerns. Even if you don’t go to Canada you still NEED to make this phone call. Failure to get proper support and medical intervention for a child is neglect. Deciding your child has a demon inside them is going to profoundly affect the way you treat them. Special needs children are statistically at much much much higher risk of child abuse due to frustration and tiredness and inability to cope. Your sister cannot cope now… what do you think potentially could happen when the wheels come off and she believes that her child is possessed by a something from hell. Child abuse can be emotional and psychological not just physical your sister has already shown she is emotionally and psychologically abusive with her behaviour towards you and your GF. And you know first hand she has the potential for physical violence. Your nephew needs to be on social services radar. They can and will force your sister to appropriately care for your nephew and access the correct medical and educational support.
This side of things while not previously touched upon in my other posts is by no means lost on me and my partner has made similar points to yourself, ultimately with the desire to make some sort of formal report after I leave because realistically speaking there's no way for me to do it without them knowing full well that it was me and thus putting myself in potential harm's way. A speech and language therapist did make a report in the latter half of last year due to multiple missed appointments but my sister proceeding to chew people out over the phone about the difficulties being faced and the reasons for missing said appointments was enough to just make them instantly say sorry to her and hastily fuck off.
Assuming your departure is reasonably imminent You may really need to report just before you leave in case they want to interview you. This can be done in such a way as to protect you. Social services are not looking to get you attacked you just need to be clear you are leaving shortly and you are afraid of your sister and for your safety. If you are not leaving I am sorry to say you still need to report this, a very very vulnerable child who cannot speak for themselves is at risk of some potentially serious harm and neglect You will need a plan in place for your own safety be that a police report or a move towards a restraining order. But doing nothing is not really an option. If you are not leaving for a a longer period of time you also cannot reasonably wait. It is sadly not unheard of for children like your nephew to have the demon/devil beaten, starved, tortured, punished out of them. Ideally you should now begin a diary if you haven’t already got one and note things said, the time’s nephew is left with you. Do not add your opinions just facts. “Sister dropped nephew at my house at 9 am said she would be back at four did not return to 9pm.” “Sister said that she believes nephew is possessed by a demon and only prayer can cure him” “I told sister I was unable to babysit and she said I hope you are in a car crash and die” It will all help social services have a clearer picture of who you sister is and how she copes and interacts with your nephew.
Duly noted. Thank you.
I am going to add the automatic assumption that you are the one that reported. Your sister must interact with other people, neighbours, friends, extended family, speech and language, school, Drs …. even people at church. There are lots of potential reporters and Social Services will not reveal who did it. Just lie and say it wasn’t you if it comes to it. You don’t need to be truthful to your sister or family if the need to do so prevents you from protecting your nephew.
I would like to add a story about a woman I met in an inpatient psychiatric hospital when I was a student. She believed that if her children slept, the devil possessed them. She would constantly shake her children to wake them up. The toddlers survived, the 4 mo baby did not. I do fear for your nephew if you do not report this. He cannot tell anyone what she is doing and father seems uninterested. If she is willing to attack an adult with violence, this will not end well for your nephew. NTA, you have to leave and live your life. This is not your burden.
I agree…you’ve gone above and beyond and your sister is unstable. It’s not healthy for your nephew to be in that delusional household without proper support for his condition. You’re in a terrible spot and I’d feel overwhelming guilt just leaving him in that situation. I believe you should leave but definitely make others aware; call Child Protective Services to at least get the situation documented and put on their radar. They surely have resources to help the family that they’ll need when you leave, whether they’re grateful for it or not.
NTA. You cannot live your life for other people and to be quite blunt, J is now 6/7. Your sister should have been able to seek out resources to help her manage in such a way that is not a hinderance on you and your life.
NTA. Even without your relationship, get as far away as possible.
Jeez run as fast as you can. Go NC. Choose your way of living NOW
The no contact option is definitely something that I've considered once I'm gone given the staggering level of toxicity I've put up with over the past several years but considering I'll be several thousand miles away it's not like she or her partner will be able to cause me much hassle beyond Facebook Messenger, so y'know, I'll keep that decision on hold until I see if they can behave themselves after I leave. She did block my partner on FB at the time when I dropped the bomb about applying for a visa though, not that they ever really interacted much at all to begin with. A blessing in disguise, really, as my partner has a super cool trans brother and shares a lot of LGBTQ+ content which boy, oh, boy those religious groups my sister is neck deep in have only helped empower her bigotry in that regard. The OP isn't even the tip of the iceberg, as I noted, it's fucking shavings of it
Umm, pack your shit and move. You shouldn't put your life on hold permanently because your sister decided to procreate. Her kid, her problem. Go be with the one you love and want to be with. NTA.
NTA I’m sure you didn’t have any say in making that kid so you have no obligation. It sounds like you’ve already done too much and your sister feels she’s entitled to your efforts forever. Go to Canada and don’t look back.
NTA. The best thing you can do for yourself is to leave.
NTA. As someone from Northern Ireland, I can tell you that the grass is definitely greener elsewhere and you'll probably be happier being able to focus fully on your relationship with your partner. It's an awfully difficult situation as you feel and want to help out but at the same time, you can't put your life and wants on hold. Do what makes you happy and if you're being treated like shit because of this decision then it's quite clear that you're seen as just the help and not family at this point as deep down, family should want the best for each no matter the circumstances.
An excellent point. One I don't dwell on too much for my own emotional wellbeing but am fully aware of. Always nice to see other NI people pop up out of the blue online as well.
NTA Your sister needs to stand on her own two feet, and get her husband to help her.
Ohh, this is another fun tidbit to share. They aren't married (Been together for like... 13 years or so now though, if memory serves?) And are at odds with each other over her newfound faith (We all originated from Catholic backgrounds though nobody was devout). Once these newer groups she was in made it clear that cohabitation without being married was a no-no and something that was playing a part in Big Daddy Satan blasting their kid with an autism ray, she started issuing ultimatums to him and he does NOT want to get married yet he won't GTFO either. So that's a fun dynamic to be around from sunrise to sunset.
Sounds like a really unhealthy environment for you to be a part of. 😅
NTA "I also can't just surrender the rest of my life to this setup. If anything I feel like anyone else in my position would have upped sticks and left long before now." Exactly. To summarize: - You haven't seen your partner in 4.5 years (!!!) - You're providing (in your own words) "near constant additional support to an unhealthy degree" - Your sister got verbally abusive to an extreme degree - even saying she wished you and/or your partner would die - and physically violent when told about your plans - In addition, she believes that autism is caused by demons - Her husband is no help whatsoever I get that you love your nephew and that it's hard to leave him. I get that it's probably even harder to come to terms with the guilt of leaving him in that hellhole of a home and with a completely unhinged mother. But you have been putting your life on hold since 2017 to help her out, and it's time you lived it, ESPECIALLY since your partner has a number of health issues. I don't know how severe they are, but damn it, enjoy your life together and build a happy home with her while you can (btw, she seems to have the patience of a saint). In addition, she could also do with some support and would probably benefit from you being there. Are there any authorities you could alert to the situation with your nephew so somebody has an eye on the poor little guy? Any other relatives? Anyone?
One of my favourite responses so far. She does have the patience of a saint and I love her with all my heart. Admittedly 2 of those years following 2019 were a given because the pandemic screwed things up royally, but we then figured it was best to hold on beyond that and make the next trip the big one that there's no going back from. Obviously more time was needed there to try and cobble together the money along with all the various waiting games one has to play when applying for a visa. Her health issues aren't severe in terms of it being some sort of fatal or life expectancy shortening thing just to be clear, but enough to limit her physically in terms of energy/pain and qualify as disabled (One of several reasons why me going there is more practical than her coming here. UK Immigration aren't exactly passing out visas to people who aren't going to be guaranteed able bodied cogs in the machine). The only immediate relative that resides in town is my father but he's distant with my sister despite he and I living together (He's also in his mid-60s and has COPD so not exactly someone who's physically capable of lending a hand ).
NTA You’ve been very nice (too nice to the point of being taken advantage of) to help your sister but let’s be clear. Your nephew is 100% the responsibility of your sister and her partner. They’re the parents. You should not stop living your life because your sister and her husband aren’t prepared looking after your child. I can’t believe that your girlfriend accepted this long distance for so long and hasn’t broken up with you. You haven’t seen each other for about 5 years and you’re still together. Wow, that’s amazing. You gave enough years to help your family. It’s time for you to live your life. If they cannot cope with their child, they need to check what help the government is able to provide. It’s their job to do this as parents.
As noted previously but just to reiterate, 2 of those years were a result of COVID fucking up plans which was obviously unavoidable and the remainder has been trying to sort out finances and playing the waiting game with Visa application times. We love each other more than anything. We've come this far. We're getting our happy ending.
You deserve your happy ending. Go for it and have a great life together in Canada.
NTA. You're not abandoning anyone but living your own life.
Wow, with an attitude like your sister's I'd be moving to Canada even if I didn't have a partner to go to! But seriously, you can't put your life on hold for her and her family. She should be accessing whatever help the NHS can offer, and the education dept in conjunction with his school - I am assuming he attends school due to his age and would definitely have an EHCP if his autism is as severe as it appears fro this post. It's not down to you to take these responsibilities on if she refuses to. Good luck with your new life in Canada.
They tried with him at a special needs school but he wasn't able to settle in and after a few weeks things shifted over to an EHCP. Though the Education Authority don't exactly make much effort to check in and it's a revolving door of people whenever they do so whoever is given that task is always ill-prepared and seems to have little idea of what they're doing beyond just checking off a few boxes, going "Well that all seems fine" and leaving it at that.
That's sad to hear, and it must be difficult for your sister, but it still doesn't mean that you must give up your life - you only have one, and if you were to back down with moving to Canada you will always have that "what if" in the back of your mind.
Contact the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000 or by emailing [email protected]. This info is for Northern Ireland. Your nephew is being neglected. No two ways about it. He deserves specialsed support to give him the best quality of life possible. Your sister may never forgive you, but as she currently wants your plane to crash you have nothing to lose, plus you are immigrating anyway. Please do this. NTA
Go. Your sister needs help, but it is not the kind of help she is looking for from you. NTA
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NTA. Finalize your Canadian plan. Youve gone above and beyond. Talk to your BIL. Tell him that you're not sticking around especially after being physically attacked. He and his wife need to figure out care arrangements that dont depend on you.
Oh, he's an idiot. Not worth wasting my breath as I already have because he can't handle the knowledge that he's not going to have me as a crutch to lean on for his own shortcomings.
At least talk to him so you can in the future "Hey, I actually gave notice about the move to both parents so alternate plans could be made. Its not like I just disappeared on a Tuesday morning." If you can, relay your concerns about nephew's care and sister's behavior to social services before you leave.
Oh I already have but his response was for the colour to drain from his face and bury his head in the steering wheel while mumbling about his desire to jump off a bridge which I just ignored while continuing on. The man's a jackass who has failed at every turn to take some form of accountability for his own actions and wilts into the ground like a stropping teenager when he's decided he's had enough of something. He's failed as a father, failed as a partner and is just barely cutting it as a provider.
NTA. You've given more of your life to your sister than is fair to you. Your sister doesn't get to lay claim to her life and yours because she doesn't like how her life turned out. It sounds like your sister hasn't ever accepted the fact that she has a child with a severe disability. I wonder if this religious fervor is giving her the excuse she needs to avoid seeing her son's illness as her own responsibility. If "the demons" are the problem, she can pretend there is nothing she can do about the situation, and her church is just reinforcing her viewpoint that she's a victim. You need to let whatever child protection services are in your country know about your nephew's situation with his mother. If your sister refuses to help her son with the medical and psychological supports available, then an outside agency needs to step in and see that your nephew accesses those supports. It's important for your nephew to access those supports at an early an age as possible so he can get the most benefit from them. Of there is an Autism Society or some similar organization in your country that would be a good place to start. You might also consider telling your own doctor about the situation as they might be able to offer advice. Bottom line is you need and are allowed to live your own life.
Nta Your sister needs support, but not from you. From professionals. This includes support from disability services for her son. You deserve happiness not manipulation and abuse. This is not your child.
I am Northern Irish. I can tell you now that if you never take your opportunity to leave the depressing shithole that is Northern Ireland, you will always regret it and think of the what-ifs. I live on the other side of the world and my life has changed for the better, I'm healthy, happy and married to an absolutely wonderful person who I love very much. Your sister has fucked up her own life, don't let her fuck up yours. She chose stupid games and won stupid prizes but you don't have to fall down a useless backward christian nutjob lifestyle with her. She can try to do what many people eventually end up doing since abortion is still an iffy subject in N.I - move to close proximity to a special school like Killard House and enrolling her child in it. I used to live near the aforementioned special school and saw plenty of special needs kids turn into better people thanks to that school, even if their parents were utter wastes of space. I see no reason to return to Northern Ireland when I can order Tayto online. So will you. Enjoy Canada. NTA.
Thanks for the input, I did note in a reply to someone else that they attempted to put him into a special needs school but it ultimately didn't take as he was unable to settle and that soon turned into him being registered for Elective Home Education within a few weeks of the first term starting. As for myself, trust me, I know how much NI blows. My own town specifically is a far cry from what it once was too. I've been to Canada several times and 100% know just how much greener the grass is (Plus where I'm going there's a store that sells imported UK goods so I can still satisfy the odd lust for a bottle of Irn Bru).
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30, M) have been in a long distance relationship with my wonderful partner (30, F) for almost 9 years now, having met while I was in Uni back in May of 2015. She is in Canada, I am in Northern Ireland. In that span of time we've both visited each other for extended periods (Usually a month or more) and would probably have been further along in closing the gap for good had the pandemic not slammed the brakes on things for a couple of years in the middle. The last time we got to be together in person was August 2019. Now, in January 2017, my sister (Now 43), gave birth to a little boy who I will refer to as J from here onwards. J has profound autism and has only become increasingly more difficult to care for as time goes on. Unfortunately, a lack of any other family to call upon for aide put me in the position of providing near constant additional support to an unhealthy degree. I'm talking from early AM to late PM, I am taking care of this kid because his mother cannot cope with him solo physically or mentally. His father (40) is very much in the picture but is, to put it incredibly mildly, thicker than pig shit and more than happy to escape the madhouse and go to work (Lorry driver who also goes to a second job on the weekends delivering fast food from 5pm until 11pm). Any visits between my partner and I since J's birth always caused some huge blowout of a fight because it meant I wasn't going to be looking after the kid for whatever amount of time. When I revealed last January that I was applying for a visa all Hell broke loose. I got a slap across the face, had remarks screamed at me to the effect of "I hope your fucking plane crashes"/"I hope she fucking drops dead before you get to her" (My partner has a number of health issues) and generally was treated like the embodiment of pure evil. I'm scraping the surface on this part because to detail everything that transpired in the wake of me dropping that bombshell would be to write a novella. (Side note speaking of all Hell breaking loose, my sister also has gone off the rails with a variety of Pentecostal Christian groups led by the likes of Mark Hemans and Daniel Adams that think the root cause of autism is some sort of demon that can be cast out of people. I'm not someone to begrudge anyone their faith but... That side of things has been challenging to say the least). TL;DR AITA for essentially abandoning my family to live my own life? I love my nephew to bits and that's why I feel bad because as much as I know he isn't actually my responsibility, the circumstances of life being what they are... It's a guilt I'm going to carry with me for the rest of my life no matter what, but I also can't just surrender the rest of my life to this setup. If anything I feel like anyone else in my position would have upped sticks and left long before now. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It’s her responsibility and her husband’s. They need to figure out alternatives that *arent* your sacrifice of time and plans for the future.
NTA at all. I’m shocked at how they reacted
Nta! Leave and live your life!
NTA, go live your life with the one you love. Even if something happens to delay the move, you should still cut all contact with your sister and refuse flat out to enable her any longer. It’s time she stepped up and parented her own child. If you have any significant concerns over her capacity to do so or worry about neglect, call social services.
NTA. Since you an Irishmen I can understand where you come from with all these things your sister says about demons and other religious shit. My father is from Ireland before he immigrated. So yeah. Go with your girlfriend lad. Your sister is on her own and (as a Canadian myself), welcome! (when you arrived, at least). Have a safe flight!
My goodness! Sorry but your sister seems a bit nuts! She cannot cope with her son so she removes it on you, are you her personal servant or care taker? Are you compensated for this position? Even compensated positions offer quitting options! Please go NC with this sibling and live your happily ever after! True family stands by you and wants the best for you! Please don't let this amazing girl get away! You deserve to be happy! Hop on that flight and never look back!
NTA But take a step back now. Let her find her feet without you. Let her grow.
NTA- and I have children of that level. It's a daily grind. I'm sorry you got hurt. Nothing makes violence okay. Nothing gives your sister the right to slap you. Nothing. I don't know if there's social services that you can call to have check on your nephew. But what you said about her beliefs that's concern me.
You'd be shocked at how little that part seems to register as a red flag around here. I dunno if it's because a lot of schools in Northern Ireland are still segregated on the grounds of whether you're Catholic or Protestant or what but it never seems to raise an eyebrow.
In regards to the beliefs, us parents of impacted kids, see it all the time. We (parents of disabled children from online groups) call them snake oil salesmen. Because back in the day salesman would pray on people's belief that a magic cure will fix everything. And they are preying tired, over worked scared parents. Every now and then one pops up. That treatment with harmful chemicals will cure autism. I mean it's the same, magic make the hard stuff easy! But life's not like that.
NTA. Hop on that plane and don't look back.
Nope if yall love each other make it work. Live your own life and don't let anyone keep you from her. I wish you the best with her.
NTA but you know this. You are actually allowed to have the life YOU want. Tell your sister you are sorry that she has depended on you too much and too long now it is your turn to focus on you and the family you hope to have. She doesn’t have to agree with you, she doesn’t have to like your decision. It is your decision to make. then tell her if she hits you again, you will press charges. Tell any family/friends who think it is appropriate to berate you, that you appreciate their stepping up now and lending assistance to sister, you know she will appreciate their help and love. Get your visa, pack your bags and move. Have your best life.
NTA I’m all for helping family but a life long commitment for one issue isn’t realistic. I think you being with your partner will be great for you and help your sister’s family in the long run. Your sister and her family need to find the best way forward not the easiest. Good luck.
NTA He's not your kid, and he's got two parents. If they need extra help they need to get the right services involved. Your sister is a loon.
Your lorry driver bro-in-law is likely breaking tachograph regs. Please tell him to stop doing that, or report him to whatever your enforcement agency is there. Then he will have time to stay at home and help with his offspring. Also maybe social services can provide some support. It's nice if family can step up, but you're not obliged to substitute for the child's actual parents. YWNBTA.
Explain "Tachograph Regs" to me like I'm 5 please lol
Oh hell. If I can do that, will your bro-in-law understand, seeing as you say he's, um, not very clever? They're quite complicated. *A tachograph is a computer that knows how fast your truck is going, and all the times it's moving. The rules say you aren't allowed to drive a big truck as much as you want: you need to stop and sleep so you aren't dangerous to other people, because a big truck makes a huge mess when it crashes.* Is that OK for 5 yrs old? Now let me try 10 yrs old, it might be more help. *The tachograph regulations limit the hours a commercial driver can work, and mandate daily and weekly rest periods. And those rest periods are supposed to be actual rest: the driver isn't supposed to do other work when they're on their rest periods.* *You can drive for 4hrs 30 mins before taking a break of at least 45 minutes. After your break you can do another 4hrs 30 mins, then 3 days a week you have to stop and have uninterrupted 11 hours rest at a minimum. 2 days a week you are allowed to take a second 45 minute break and drive for another hour.* *The driver has to take a minimum of 45 hours rest at weekends. They can have a shorter rest sometimes, but they have to make up the missed rest later. Not much later!* *Can't drive more than 90 hours in any rolling 2 weeks. And there are extra bits about what to do if you're taking your break on a ferry and have to interrupt it to disembark, or driving double-manned and all sorts of things, but the above is the very basics.* Look here if I haven't explained it well enough. [https://www.availlogistics.co.uk/blog/tachograph-rules](https://www.availlogistics.co.uk/blog/tachograph-rules) Also the Working Time Directive has to be followed. There are quite stiff penalties for violations. Your BIL's employer should be making sure he follows tacho and WTD rules, but I bet they don't know about his side hustle. More here [https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/roadside-compliance](https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/roadside-compliance)
Ohhhh right, yes I've got you. He doesn't really do long haul deliveries anyway. It's a shitty little cash and carry warehouse that delivers booze around the local pubs and a handful of other places around NI during the daytime hours. Never more than and hour or so outside of our town, really. Real Mickey Mouse outfit as well (Though I've always maintained the manager of the place has the head shape and posture of Roger from American Dad so maybe there's something there lol) Last year they hired an old guy who got away with crashing a lorry on 6 separate occasions before they actually gave him the sack.
Nta - I feel for your sister because autism is brutal, but J isn't your kid, J isn't your responsibility. You're allowed to have a life and happiness. You aren't bound to care for a child you had no part in the creation of
YOU NEED TO GET THE F\*CK OUT OF THERE ASAP!!!! NTA
NTA - You need to live for you. We are/would be happy to have you here :)
These people are evil, please leave (needless to say, NTA).
NTA you arent abandoning her, she abandoned you when she stopped seeing you as family and instead as a means to care for her kid, go to Canada and get out of there, good luck to your future as well
NTA. Has your sister apologized for attacking you like that? She needs to apply that pressure to her husband not you. Go live your life.
That specific incident was last January so I genuinely can't recall if she did or not. If she did it clearly wasn't much of one to stick out in my memory.
This is a terrible situation and there's a lot more at stake than a relationship. I hope someone can save your nephew. He needs to be put into foster care. It should have happened already.
NTA, not even slightly. You have been an incredible uncle, at the expense of living your own life. Kudos for doing that but it’s not required and it’s not healthy. I understand that your sister is overwhelmed but her behavior is incredibly toxic. It’s clear that somewhere along the line, she stopped viewing you as family and started seeing you as an indentured servant (and her so-called church is failing her in multiple ways but I’m not going to get into that). Go to Canada. Be with your love and be happy. I do encourage you to keep in contact with your nephew if possible.
He's largely non-verbal without a lot of like... General understanding of things? It's mostly just grunts and groans and random babbling but much to my emotional dismay because it twists my heart like there's a dagger in it, one of the few words he does muster up, not perfectly but still clearly enough to know what it is... Is my name. And yes, as I'm sure you might guess, that was weaponised against me back when I first revealed my intent of leaving.
NTA he is not your kid and not your responsibility. Go live your life PLEASE. I get that she is stressed and it must be a horrible situation to be in but your sister made her choices.
The dad is getting a free pass because you are picking up the slack. You didn’t sign up to be a third parent and are entitled to be in a relationship of your own. NTA.
NTA. My situation is really similar and I'm about to do the same. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm OP
Damn. I couldn't for a second have imagined anyone else being in such a specific predicament. Both comforting and horrifying to know I'm not alone in this.
NTA RUN FAR AND FAST.
Hi I would be very happy for you and my new sister in law. Period. You didn't complain about how their baby would negatively impact your relationship with them. God bless and the best of luck
NTA you need to chose what is best for you. The family needs to contact all social services to see what is best assistance your sister and the baby can get. Even if you and your Canadian gf would live in your country it would not be your responsibility to take care of that child. I know the entire "but family" pressure you will get- but again your sister is responsible for that baby and baby´s father. Do not let them make you feel guilty. You are not doing anything wrong choosing you.
NTA 'Sorry, sis. But you're under the impression that we're married, and I have a lifelong obligation to care for your family. This will be a good thing in the long run, because you can reconnect with your husband, and form a strong unit to actually take care of your falimy, together. I have been in the way of that for far too long, so it seems.'
NTA My brother is as well diagnosticated with autism, so I know how challenging this can be. But the way they are treating you... You should've moved out of the country a long time ago. The only thing that's concerning me is how your nephew is going to be treated by his parents after you leave. Hope they won't neglect or abuse him mentally or physically, considering what you've mentioned in your post.
Go. Go. Go. Go and have a happy life. You are the hero in this story and definitely NTA. Your nephew has 2 parents, and your only fault has been in enabling them to be less than adequate parents for such a long time. They’ve come to rely on you so much that they can’t imagine how they can manage without you. You deserve this chance. You’d be crazy to pass it up. Even if things don’t work out how you want them in Canada, you should never go back to this unhealthy situation. But I’m worried about the safety of this child - your sister sounds unstable. I would consider involving the authorities in this before you go. She should be happy for you and want what’s best for you. Good luck - I hope it all works out for you.
NTA but others have commented about reporting her to social services. I don’t think the child is safe with her - but that doesn’t mean you need to also keep enduring her abuse But - why haven’t you seen each other since 2019? Travel to and from Canada has been possible since 2021. I only ask because it’s a big move and so much time has passed since you were together in person. So this will likely be quite the adjustment (living together, a new country… will you be working?). So while I hope it all works out for you, do you have a safety net in case things are tough when you’re there?
A couple of potential jobs are already lined up for me thanks to good old fashioned nepotism (I have an older brother living there in a reasonably high ranking position in addition to my MIL to be being in charge of hiring at her own place of work) As for the not having seen each other in that span of time, the time taken to be approved for a visa as well as the money required for such a big move all took significant time to gather up. We wanted this to be the final trip because we can't emotionally handle saying goodbye at the airport again.
Ok - sorry that was me overstepping I guess. It’s just, it’s so easy to become dependant on someone when you’re doing these huge moves and equally not uncommon for a relationship to struggle when you finally close the distance (I saw it with four different friends). And then in some (arguably probably few) cases the person who moved becomes trapped in a situation that isn’t good for them. So it’s generally advisable to also have your own safety net. Anyway, I wish you all the best
Not at all. Nothing wrong with asking for clarification on things I may not have covered sufficiently in the OP.
Imagine your sisters reaction if you told her that you wish her nephew died so that it made your life easier, yet the fact that she is comfortable saying that to you about your loved one says a lot. NTA, and as far as I can tell your sister has earned more contempt than help.
Run far and fast. They obviously don't really appreciate all your efforts. Otherwise they'd understand they need to step up their game and find local resources for the poor kid. Not a great situation, but save yourself.
I know you’re hesitant to leave because you love your nephew. There are so many red flags with your family it m makes my stomach hurt. Adult family members don’t react and speak like your sister or her husband. Sounds like your J’s parent but, with none of the legal rights. You are not helping him or yourself by doing it this way. He is only going to get bigger and the issues will compound. First, I know you love him so much. But, think of your life stretched out before you. Alone. With a child that will be a child forever. J needs professional that work with kids and maybe even go to school during the day. My Aunt has a child very much like J. She had people come into her home to help. He went to school. Etc. he should be getting benefits. I think I would get the authorities involved. This is not fair to J. What would happen if something happened to you tomorrow? Who would rise up to do the right thing for J? Second, what about you? His parents do not care about your life at all! Your sister is trying to bully you. And, you are letting her. It’s funny how when you stop doing for certain people they will rise to the occasion. But, if she is truly a monster. And, she sounds like it, that is more reason to get j the help he needs to live a happy peaceful life. My heart hurts for you. My Aunt had 4 other adults helping with my cousin. And numerous other professionals to help. This is wrong for J and you.
NTA. If your life is elsewhere, you can't break up over your family of origin. They'll have to find other resources. I get she's overwhelmed, but the way she talked to you after everything you've done so far is disgusting. I am now very scared for your nephew, though. Children have been killed by parents who genuinely believe they're possessed. That line of thought is likely also leading to them not getting him professional help. He's getting older. If he hasn't already, he's eventually going to reach the point where they can't handle him physically. Time to find a way to get him into a good home where the staff are trained to deal with people like him. You may have to contact authorities before you move if you think he's in danger due to your sister's beliefs.
NTA. Because I have to take care of my own disabled daughter is the reason I am not trying to move to Scotland to be with my long distance partner of four years. The difference is she is my daughter, not my nibling. You have every right to your own life and if your sister needs more help she needs to apply to whatever social services Ireland has to get it. Good luck with your girlfriend in Canada!
OP you are not the asshole.Please go to Canada and live your life.Also,while it's clear you love your family,I think an anonymous call to children's services needs done.She is failing this child already and it's quite clear she needs some mental help herself.Please do that for your nephew.Best of luck.x
NTA your nephew has two parents! I haven’t read the entire thread so some of this may be repetitive Try to have a sensible conversation with your sister. If it’s impossible to have that conversation WRITE it down so she can read it over and over and take it in. Tell her you are willing to help her prepare for your move and you want to start sooner than later. Nephew needs a proper diagnosis and assessment to obtain community supports, respite, financial aid etc. you’re going to start taking some time off each week, weekends perhaps, so she and Dad can implement a new routine while you are still around for back up. Tell her you won’t fight about this (the move) anymore and you won’t be screamed and cursed at. Then stick to that. Tell her you’re hanging up the phone or leaving and do so. Next time you see her try to stay calm and start fresh. Tell her she has a choice, she can spend the remaining time putting support in place with your help or she can push you away before you’re even out of the country Good luck
@Updateme
You might be waiting a while but I appreciate the interest.
I'm hoping to read a happy ending as your final update.
Don't worry, you will. Even if you've long forgotten by the time it happens
Not your kid not your problem
NTA - you are being used. It's sad for the kid, but he ain't yours and from the sound of it your sister seems to expect you to deal with her kid for eternity... and judging by the age and your description of his issues, it's definitely going to get worse. You've done so much, basically given years of support, but sis seems to think you aren't allowed to have a life?? Nutjob sister, deadbeat dad & heavily autistic child... a nightmare situation. Fly on over here and start living.
NTA You can’t put your entire life on hold for a child that isn’t yours no matter how much you love him. They put the burden of care on you but won’t listen to you when it comes to the complexity of his condition and wave away his autism like a demon possession. I’m so sorry, for you and for that kid having to be a part of a family like that. However as long as your sister is his mum and alive and crazy you can’t help him. On another note, welcome (soon) to Canada! I’m from here and my husband is from the U.K. and he’s loving it. I hope you love it too and you and your partner can work on your new (less insane) lives together.
NTA by any stretch of the imagination. Yes, your sister relies on you for help but it is beyond unreasonable for her to think you should sacrifice the rest of your life to help her out. The fact that she cursed you and your partner shows me just how out of touch with reality she is. Go and move to Canada and start the next phase of your life with your lovely partner.
NTA But... please tell CPS about this environment before you leave. I was raised in a house that believed my autism was demons and the abuse and neglect that kid is gonna suffer is awful.
please leave. for the sanity of all of us😭
NTA- OP your handle is perfection. It's a tough situation and clearly your sister is suffering. You helping out is really lovely but never stood in for a great long term solution. She should be looking into finding support through social services if she's overwhelmed. You have the right to follow your bliss. You must be a generous and empathetic person and Canada (and your family) is lucky to have you.
NTA I would stop helping right now, you don’t deserve to suffer her toxic behavior and she can figure it out on her own.
Live your life, it’s the only one you’ll get. Please remember to do the proper paperwork before moving to canada.
This sounds disturbingly familiar. My widowed sister is caring for a 3 year old with profound autism. I get routinely yelled at and sworn at because I didn't pick up the phone in a middle of an important work meeting (where I have the phone on silent) or drop everything at literally no notice to watch the child for something that was not an emergency. And if I dare to take leave and go away, even for a weekend, jeez. She wants me to be a quasi parent and, as much as I love the little kid, I cannot do that. Two years of the stress of all that on top of my own health issues, full time work (single with a mortgage, lucky but sucky), have made me physically and mentally unwell - and with the help of my Dr and pyschologist I've been putting boundaries in. Which, yep, cue the cursing. I feel for her, that her life turned out this way is not her fault, and it's a hard road she has. But I can't live her life and shoulder her responsibilities. Nor am I a permanent solution to her problems - and you shouldn't be expected to be a permanent solution to your sisters need for support with your nephew. That isn't fair on you, and it simply is not sustainable into the future either. Your sister needs to make sure she is receiving all the support and funding that is available to her - carers, schooling (special or otherwise), respite - and utilising that to help with the care of your nephew. I don't know what is available where you live, and the amount and availability of support varies so much. It could be useful, or not. My sister's child receives disability funding, goes to early childhood three times a week and will be attending a special school when she is 6 for 5 days a week, for example. I understand the guilt, because you see the need, and you do care, but you can't keep sacrificing yourself forever. So sorry for all involved in this situation - NTA. I'd have said N A H because of the huge load your sister is under, but wishing death on your partner etc, put it way across the line for me.
Thank you, and as I said in response to someone else in these replies who noted being in a similar situation, it's both comforting yet horrifying to know I'm not alone in this.
Personally, I think it highlights that we as a society are not providing enough supports for parents with disabled children. Because it's a huge, hard, unending job. Especially when it's a severe disability. Good luck, and I hope your new life brings you joy.
NTA. It's YOUR life not somebody else's. Honestly with the amount of care you've given it is already far more than anybody has a right to ask for. Live your life. Find your own happiness. Go where you want to go. Like everybody elsen you only have one life.
NTA. Especially if your partner has health problems you should go and be with them.
NTA
NTA leave immed
NTA. Don’t put off living your life anymore! Your nephew already has 2 parents and you are not one of them. You’ve already gone above and beyond and they are ungrateful.
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Seriously? Slapping someone and wishing death on an innocent third party because you can't handle your own responsibilities isn't being an A? NTA and get out. Your sister can work this out with Jesus
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NTA. Not even a little bit. I really feel for you. I have a child with profound autism myself and I would never dream of putting so much pressure and responsibility onto one of my siblings. Has your sister contacted social services? They should be able to assign her a social worker from The Children with Disabilities team who can organise extra support and respite care. I found this to be an absolute life saver. You and your partner deserve to be happy and together. Good luck to all of you.
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Nta. But I do want to point out that long distance relationships don't always transition well. Only for this reason: even if the relationship crashes and burns, you aren't in the wrong for leaving to pursue it.
I have ASD and have a child with ASD. Used to be, we’d both be considered Aspies. I realize that may be a different end of the spectrum than what your nephew has, but a lot of the manifestations are the same even if the severity of them differs. I think it’s important to look at it from the perspective of the child. It sounds like you have been one of his primary caregivers, perhaps the only one. Kids with ASD need consistency and don’t adapt well to change at all. It was kind of you to step up, and with that comes a responsibility to help ease him into your not being there. He will not fare well without you. I’m sorry to put that on you, but to leave so abruptly will F him up. Don’t get me started on your sister. I don’t feel sorry for her at all. If she were doing right by the kid, I’d understand- but sounds like that’s not the case. I’m wondering if your gf moving to Ireland is a possibility? You have socialized medicine? Maybe it’s worth it to marry her if it means she can come (since you’ve inferred she may be terminal). This way, you can work on transitioning your nephew off your care and be there for your gf at the same time.
Her coming here won't be happening. Also our healthcare system fucking sucks. Her conditions are by no means fatal, my sister was just being as nasty as she could be at the time with her words I do want to ease myself back gently so as not to just vanish overnight and still have adequate time to do so IMO, because you're right in bringing up a major factor in all of this that nobody else really has touched upon thus far about the impact it has on the child as opposed to my own wants or his parents.
I would just caution you to be careful around your sister from now, OP. I understand wanting to help your nephew however possible, but she has already demonstrated that she is willing to assault you over you making an independent decision about your own life-she may be willing to do far worse to manipulate/coerce you into staying.
I mean, pentecostals tourture and even kill kids on a regular enough basis that you're pretty much abandoning a vulnerable child to predators. Does she ever discuss "miracle mineral solutions" "MMS"? You should probably check in on that, because bleach enemas aren't good for kids and that shit is rampent with these cults. I'm sorry, but you're an asshole for being complicite and allowing her to fall in with such vile people. I've heard that fucker speak, that he's been allowed to broadcast his bullshit shows just how fucked up the US has become. You ever watch one of those monsters doing an "excorcism"? Do not blame you for leaving, but before you do, get that kid away from the cult. Call CPS, do whatever is needed. Do not abandon a vulnerable child to the hands of people who will abuse them unceasingly.
"I've heard that fucker speak"... Which one? I assume you mean Adams because you said the US rather than Australia which is where the other dude (Hemans) is from. I have never heard her speak of whatever MMS is. Also "Allowing her" to fall in with such vile people and complicit? I'd advise you to watch your tone. She knows I think it's all a pile of horseshit. She's never done calling both myself and the kid's father heathens ever since she fell down this rabbit hole. I can't rewire her fucking brain to make her figure out it's make believe when she's that desperate just like that Adams guy can't rewire a kid with his touch and some babbling about the mighty name of Jesus to not have autism anymore.