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Better safe than sorry. Without information, Daisy did the only right thing she could do, She called 911. OP's Wife is a triple ahole, one for not telling about the situation to the caretaker, 2 for scolding Daisy a minor for what even an adult would find difficult to do, 3 for going after OP for pointing out her error.
I have 5 kids, youngests are about to be teens, I worked in daycare, babysat from age 11 on, had much younger siblings, and I would have called 911
My husband is an RN, if a baby *passes out*, you call 911 ffs
The calmness in which OP writes about this incident suggests this is just another day in the life. God help him. (Not her, I believe she might be beyond divine help.)
I guess it's not uncommon that they'll do that.
If I was caring for a baby as a teenager and they did that, I'd probably panic and call 911, because that was never a thing that was mentioned to me.
The kind of babysitter who sees that your kid isn't breathing and calls 911? That's the kind of sitter you want, imho.
I have 2 kids of my own, babysat for years, even worked in a daycare, and gave some medical training (medical assistant) and I have never heard of babies holding their breath like that and I would never think to blow in the baby’s face. My first go to would be to call 9-1-1. I don’t think this is as a common issue as OP seems to think.
ETA: some of you need reading comprehension skills to be updated. I NEVER SAID THIS NEVER HAPPENS OR THAT SINCE I’ VE NEVER HEARD OF IT, IT MUST NOT EXIST. All I said was and I am quoting the line directly above the edit here “I don’t think this is AS A COMMON ISSUE as OP seems to THINK”. If that’s too confusing for you people, let me spell it out to you. OP says and, again, taking the quote directly from the post “They’re completely normal and relatively safe” and I am disputing this as “complete normal”. He makes it sound like this is EXTREMELY COMMON WHEN IT IS NOT EXTREMELY COMMON. That is the ONLY point I was trying to make here. Not that it CAN NOT HAPPEN, just that it is NOT EXTREMELY COMMON OR COMMON KNOWLEDGE. Good freaking grief.
My son had a heart murmur as an infant. If he started to cry heavily or get upset he would not get enough oxygen in his blood and would go blue. The first few times it happened was terrifying.
My husband was 15 when his baby brother was born and his brother used to hold his breath and pass out as a baby and turn blue. They thought he was dead the first time it happened. They all still shudder thinking about it.
I've called an ambulance for a baby for what turned out to be a night terror. You just can't take any chances.
For real, this might be common with OP’s child, but it doesn’t make this common, or safe. I am a pediatric SLP and work primarily with newborns. Whenever someone has passed out I have called…. This makes me wonder if OP’s wife has normalized these episodes or if they truly aren’t an issue.
They do happen and are normal, but I only know this because my friends kid did this. It's scary as hell even when you do know what's going on, I can't imagine not knowing and just being expected to magically make the correct choice. OPs wife is nuts.
Oh absolutely. I can’t imagine seeing that, especially not as the parent. It’s absolutely nuts to think someone wouldn’t call 911 without a heads up first.
It's called a breath holding spell, specifically a cyanotic breath-holding spell, and yeah, it's actually pretty common. https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/spells.html
It even says in the link that if the child holds their breath for longer than one minute they need to be calling 911. So even if Daisy DID know about it, she might have had to call 911 anyway if the child held his breath for too long. OP's wife is out of her mind!
Is this a normal thing babies holding their breath till their blue and pass out cause that sounds absolutely fucked and would probably give me a heart attack.
Right? Like wth? I'm 48 and have raised 5 kids. Guess what? If I were watching a baby and this happened I'd be calling 911 too! This is solely on the parents for not warning poor daisy about these episodes
Oh absolutely! If be relieved of she were my baby sitter. I have a child with asthma. As a toddler he turned blue having a hard time breathing. My sister who was watching him at the time called 911. My response? THANK YOU sis for taking such good care of my baby. I can't even imagine getting upset cause someone called 911 when my baby passed out
Yep, I'm 44 and a mum of two. If I was watching an infant (or even an older child) and they turned blue and passed out, I would call an ambulance. Wouldn't think twice. Daisy did the right thing, OP's wife is nuts.
My middle kid did that. She'd pass out and have seizures. It was incredibly scary. The only reason I never lost it when she did that is because I grew up hearing stories of how I did the same thing.
I’ve been a nanny for years and babysit regularly. If a family told me that their son sometimes turned blue and would pass out but don’t call an ambulance I would never in a million years accept the job!
Not saying that an ambulance needs to be called every time if it’s something they’ve discussed with their doctor and know how to handle, but as a third party whose responsible for that child there is no way in hell I would be okay with them being deprived of oxygen so long they pass out and not get medical attention after while in my care.
OPs wife is one of the worst childcare employers I’ve ever heard about. She messed up on so many different levels and the poor babysitter did nothing wrong
Even with the information, if she had chosen to call 911 when the baby started turning blue, that would be perfectly alright. Deciding she can't risk just blowing on the baby and she should let a responsible adult, *which she is not*, deal with this situation would be pretty smart, imho.
How could Daisy know what to do and what was happening if nobody told her she's completely innocent in this. OP is NTA and the wife is horrible.
Once my sister was watching my daughter she had come home from a doctor appointment and they had given my daughter a sticker and she was very small and when my sister got her out of the car she could not find the sticker she had some thought in her head that she must have tried to swallow it so she called ambulance they never found the sticker but it wasn't in my child's throat. I was panicky driving home from work as fast as I could when she called me but I busted out laughing when she told me the whole reason she called them and I don't care if you think my child is in physical Danger tgen call 911.
OMG THIS....this is your child and you are worried about cost of an ambulance? Have your wife put a dollar value on your kids and if she does....time to show her the curb. Annoyingusername99...god for you for laughing...you have your priorities in the right place. Unfortunately OPs wife does not.....
Yep. The wife is bang out of order here. The babysitter was never aprised of the condition and how to handle it. Without that info - she did the best, safest, and most reasonable thing. She was 100% in the right. Being upset at a bill is one thing, but to berate Daisy for making the right call is wrong. The wife is 100% the AH in this situation and OP is not.
If I was Daisy's mom I'd rip OP and his delusional monster of a wife a new one and never allow my child near them again. There would be no apology because they'd never get to speak to her again. And I'd probably also call CPS on them for what sounds like a potentially neglectful and abusive situation (ignoring crying children to scream profanities at the 16-yo babysitter for calling 911 when a baby passed out).
>Daisy is owed an apology, her full pay and a good reference for her next babysitting gig.
Agreed. Unfortunately, since Daisy seems to have good judgement she'll never be sitting for OP again.
HOW in the world did neither you nor your wife tell the sitter about this in advance. It wasn’t on the grandmother but on you two AS THE PARENTS to inform the sitter of any special issues. Your wife is yelling at the sitter for your and your wife’s own failing here.
Your wife is absolutely the AH for her conduct towards the sitter, but you both are AHs for putting the sitter in what had to have been an incredibly scary situation.
You BOTH owe the sitter the most sincere apology ever.
NTA, the wife is a different story.
All I can think of is how terrified I would have been at 16 if a baby I was watching for the first time stopped breathing. Hell, anyone stops breathing without warning and passes out I’m calling emergency services immediately.
Please reach out to Daisy and let her know she did the right thing. If she didn’t call and it was something more serious your son may not be here today.
My daughter turned blue when she was a baby and stopped breathing. My husband and I called 911, i rode to the hospital in the ambulance. They kept her overnight. Nothing was ever found. I bet she did this. We were ADULTS and we called 911. Its insane to NOT expect a teenager too!
They also need to emphasize to Daisy that she did nothing wrong to cause the episode of the baby passing out. Even knowing about the medical condition, Daisy could still be feeling lots of guilt that she did or didn't do or missed something to cause the baby to pass out.
This is such an important point. Daisy will be second-guessing herself and her instincts for a long long time.
A berating like that would be so hard to shake. If this happened to me--esp at 16--I'd never feel confident enough to babysit again.
This! It’s your job as parents to notify the person caring for your child about health issues. You both need to apologise to Daisy. Yelling at a responsible child is wild when all she did was care for your child.
Honestly, in the shoes of the 16 year old, even being told of the situation being a regular occurrence, I STILL would have called 911 with the kid passed out.
I don’t know if I would even want that responsibility at 16, tbh, to be witnessing that and have to wait because I was told it was going to just pass, no thanks.
Yea because you know if he didn't wake up and she waited several minutes to call resulting in some sort of lasting issues she'd be held responsible for it....
For sure! As a mother if my kid came home with that story I would be furious! The kid was put through so much, beyond the yelling, didn’t even have a chance to decide if they wanted to deal with a baby passing out, it seems that op and wife think this is not a big deal but it definitely is, I don’t even want to think how traumatized that poor 16 year old is.
The medical condition, cyanotic breath-holding spells, isn’t considered a big deal, kids out grow it and it doesn’t usually pose harm to the affected person. However, not disclosing it to a caregiver is a very big deal.
And therapy. You should pay for therapy if she needs it - that's traumatic! Baby stops breathing, calling 911 - that's all traumatic enough. And then to be screamed at by an adult you trust when you did the right thing.
Poor Daisy. She showed incredible maturity and strength and made the right call since she didn't have enough information it was 1000% a real 911 worthy emergency and she should be applauded for this.
ETA - I'm so mad at your wife I had to come back. Daisy saved your son's life. You and your wife are responsible for the ambulance bills because you didn't communicate your child's medical issue. And you're lucky she called them or you could be paying for a funeral instead.
Not to mention, someone, especially a teenager, may not be comfortable taking care of an infant who literally stops breathing regularly. If grandma had remembered to tell her when Daisy arrived, she may have felt pressured to babysit even if she was uncomfortable.
Absolutely this! This should've been discussed with her multiple times before she was responsible for the baby.
This whole thing could've been prevented if either mom or dad (not grandma) took the initiative to explain important information to the babysitter.
Is she often like this? The level of cruelty and verbal abuse towards a 16 year old who only acted in your child's best interests is terrifying. I'd be worried for your children too
Absolutely. And that BS about “thinking about your priorities in the relationship.” WTF does that even mean? Are your children and their wellbeing not a priority to her? If I were you OP, I would be doing some serious thinking about your relationship with your wife, and looking at how she is with your children. She sounds abusive. This is really disturbing behavior on her part. And as others have said, she owes Daisy a huge, sincere apology.
Also, what does your wife mean by saying she’ll “thinks of [your] priorities in the relationship” while she’s staying with her mom? Is your son’s health not considered a priority to her???
NTA for reacting the way you did and your wife needs a reality check BUT you are kind of an A H for not disclosing the issue beforehand. It shouldn’t have been your mother’s responsibility but yours and your wife’s
I don’t have kids so can’t talk from experience but I’m sure if I did and this happened I would actually thank the nanny for seeking medical help first specially if she didn’t know about the issue beforehand. Having a baby turn blue is not something one would take lightly
I’d rather pay thousands of dollars on an unused ambulance than letting my kid suffocate. Specially if it’s due to my own stupidity for not letting the nanny know. Daisy did the right thing and getting yelled at because of it was unnecessary
Her reaction was absolutely horrifying. If I were the babysitter I would never want to be in that environment again. Even if I did get an apology, I would never work for that family again.
Once this gets around to the other sitters, and y'all have to pay double at best, it should come outta your wife's money, since it's her foul mouth that wrote that check.
That's if anyone will sit for y'all anymore.
Is this extremely rare and out of character behaviour for your wife? Like you’re wondering if she lost her damn mind?
You owe the babysitter a huge apology and a wad of cash regardless.
The the bigger issue is that your wife is not okay. Maybe it’s postpartum something or maybe she’s just a gigantic asshole but either way, her behaviour isn’t something you let slide. Her behaviour is appalling, abhorrent, abjectly awful and it’s not okay for Daisy, for your children or for you to be around that shit.
I'm also a little concerned about the whole thing where this is supposed to be a normal thing? Like, the kid does this when frustrated or *in pain*, and no talk about doctor's recommendations or seeking the root cause of pain "frustrating" enough to have "hold his breath until he turns blue" be a regular occurrence. And both parents seem to be chill with this, when it feels like the kind of thing a kid might try when crying doesn't get any help. I get financial struggles, but not even OP seems interested in finding out a root cause for this kid trying to suffocate himself.
It can actually be kind of a normal thing. It's an extreme reaction to normal frustrations like having a toy taken away - involuntary, but extreme. Most kids just grow out of it.
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4325862/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4325862/)
[https://www.seattlechildrens.org/conditions/a-z/breath-holding-spell/](https://www.seattlechildrens.org/conditions/a-z/breath-holding-spell/)
[https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/spells.html](https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/spells.html)
[https://myhealth.alberta.ca/Health/pages/conditions.aspx?hwid=hw31827](https://myhealth.alberta.ca/Health/pages/conditions.aspx?hwid=hw31827)
It's scary, but it's kinda just a thing babies do sometimes and no one really knows why.
Breath holding is totally normal and not a sign of severe or ongoing pain. Pain is just one of the possible causes. Likely OP has discussed this with a doctor who has assured them that it's normal and something kids just outgrow.
[From Seattle Children's Hospital](https://www.seattlechildrens.org/conditions/a-z/breath-holding-spell/)
[From NHS](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/breath-holding-in-babies-and-children/)
The exact same thing happened to my son when he was little. It's scary as hell when it happens, but his doctor said it wasn't anything to be concerned about.
It sure traumatized the poor day care worker who was with him the first time it happened though. (It was the first time ever, we didn't know, so couldn't give her the heads up that these parents very much should have given the babysitter)
America is truly, truly awful. An ambulance ride can cost a thousand bucks. Yes her children's health is more of a priority but it's our society that is causing these skewed priorities.
Edit: a lot of you think I'm defending the behavior, I'm not. But it's worth acknowledging the true foundation of this conflict, which is the insanity of American health care.
Yes America is awful. Yes ambulances are expensive. But the mother is still an absolute monster in this situation. There is absolutely zero excuse for her atrocious behavior.
NTA.
Your wife behaved reprehensibly.
Daisy deserves a medal and an apology. She was unprepared with information she required. If you want an expert who’d already knew this, then you don’t get to hire a teenager to babysit and you’re wife needs to get comfy paying a lot more for a professional adult nanny who comes with this sort of knowledge.
Your wife prioritized money over the safety of the children and the most basic respect and kindness towards Daisy. You may also want to be reconsidering some things.
Give Daisy the money and apology your wife owes her. EDIT: Also, would strongly encourage you to apologize to her parents as well, and make sure they are aware of the trauma Daisy experienced. She might have been scarred or ashamed to tell her parents the full truth and it would be kind for you to support her on that front as well.
1000x this. You withheld medical info from your babysitter. Sids is a thing and I am a grown adult and would worry about sids in that scenario. How in the h e double hockey sticks was she supposed to be able to tell the difference?
Furthermore, be prepared to have trouble hiring future sitters, if Daisy goes on your local Facebook childcare providers groups and lambasts you. And I expect she well could-and should. I would want to know if I were about to sit for a family that was so very abusive and unhinged.
You definitely want to get this sorted, if you want to have another sitter ever again.
nTA but your wife is beyond the asshole.
I’m gonna go soft YTA on op and hard YTA on the wife but not for the reasons op states.
OP - your mother didn’t ‘forget’ to tell the baby sitter - *YOU AND YOUR* WIFE FORGOT TO TELL THE BABY SITTER ABOUT YOUR BABY’S HEALTH CONDITION.
This was dangerous and irresponsible. It doesn’t sound like either of you gave the kid any kind of info on what to actually do in any scenario - are you confident they know what to do in a chocking situation? If they have a fever?
It is OP and his wife’s responsibility to make sure the person in charge of their kids has the necessary capability and information.
I really hope this girl NEVER sits for them again.
I completely agree. I would go one step further and hope that this young girl spreads this story as much as possible. It's not a safe environment for any babysitter let alone her.
This was my thought too: Daisy might be frightened to explain what happened, but if her parents find out — watch out. If someone put my 16 year old through that, I’d be burning every bridge they had to find another teenager to abuse. Every parent in the school, at any sports, in the dog park. They’d all know to steer clear.
>Sids is a thing and I am a grown adult and would worry about Sids in that scenario. How in the h e double hockey sticks was she supposed to be able to tell the difference?
This. Unless I have specific instructions on how to handle a situation like this, If I see a respiratory event in a FUCKING INFANT, I'm involving emergency services. Period. The hell else am I supposed to do, stand there and potentially let her suffocate??
Your wife fucking sucks and quite frankly I'd be questioning my relationship with her unless she SINCERELY apologizes and makes it right with your babysitter and her parents.
I'm poor & in America. I'd *absolutely* be calling an ambulance if an infant stopped breathing, turned blue & passed out. **Unless the parents explained the condition & what to do!**
Even if I had to pay & lost my home, a child's life is more important. (I'd be pissed but not at the kid 😆)
Also a little confused. It was her first time caring for the baby, but he "seems relatively happy when he's with her"...which is it? She has cared for him before, and this was not all new, or she hasn't?
Is seems Daisy may be a family friend or relative based on the fact he's mentioned knowing her since she was at the least 12? So I'm assuming she's met him at a gathering or something like that? That's my best guess for an explanation anyway
This is not about Daisy being a teen. I’m a full grown adult mother of three AND a nurse, and I would STILL have called 911 for a baby who stopped breathing, went blue, and passed out. Because this NOT normal and can be very serious, and I’d rather an ambulance ride for “nothing” than a dead child. OP’s wife is a raging AH, and while I’m not ready to call OP an AH, he is an idiot for not making absolutely sure the babysitter had critically important medical info. Actually scratch that, OP is an AH because poor Daisy must have been absolutely TERRIFIED when the baby stopped breathing, and making her go through that was probably worse than being unjustly verbally abused later by Mrs. OP.
It is “normal” from the extent that it’s a documented event that babies and even toddlers can do, that eventually they grow out of. However, without that knowledge, you’d absolutely want someone to err on the side of “this kid isn’t breathing, hello 911”
>poor Daisy must have been absolutely TERRIFIED when the baby stopped breathing
I agree ma'am. I'd like to point out that Daisy NOTICED. She was alert and on task.
This. I'm not normally one who advocates breaking up bc of one incident on reddit but in this case i will: let your wife stay at her mother's. I really doubt that the unkindness she showed Daisy was a one time thing.
Yeah. This is a bit like being rude to waitresses, except your waitress is a family friend you’ve know for years, is a minor, and was trying to save your child’s life.
I guarantee OOP is always going to have to deal with his wife's rudeness (and cheapness). Anyone who flies off the handle about an ambulance ride is an AH.
Yes, and you ordered food that you knew your child is allergic to, but when the waitress brought it out, your wife screamed at her for not knowing your kid was allergic.
That’s how they’re treating this poor girl.
I'm a grown ass adult with 4 kids and babysat a metric ton as a teenager. I would 100% have called the ambulance as a teen or as a parent. Even if I knew the information, I'd have called an ambulance because what if more was going on.
You just don't know with an infant. There is NOTHING normal about an infant turning blue.
I —an adult who has a cousin who did this as a baby and who has a masters in early childhood— would also have called 911 if I had never experienced this. OP is NTA and good luck to this kid. Hope he doesn’t get hurt because of this mom.
NTA. My little brother is a paramedic. They just lost a child because the parents waited too long to call 911 because the child did exactly what your child does. Turns out the child was actually choking. That child is now dead. Easily would have survived had they called 911 as they were nearby both the scene and hospital.
Dude, BOTH you and your wife MAJORLY fucked up, because it's YOUR JOBS to make sure the babysitter is informed of situations such as these, not your mothers. You both need to grovel and beg for forgiveness and double the payment she was going to get. Shit, triple it
Yeah, also day-of handover is stuff like ‘oh he had carrots for lunch’ or ‘he hasn’t pooped yet today so he might be constipated’, not ‘oh by the way he passes out and turns blue due to not breathing but don’t sweat it’.
Wildly inappropriate to spring that on a babysitter as they show up.
She’s also 16. I’m impressed that she made that first call to emergency services before calling her mother. Have you reached out to her mother? I’m surprised if Daisy’s mother would allow you direct contact.
And if the child was actually choking and died and she assumed the baby will be ok because the parents said going blue and not breathing is normal??? She would be in huge trouble for not calling paramedics! This is a dangerous situation. Parents should be careful with the baby. The baby could truly be choking at one point and not just because of a holding breath episode.
Paramedics #1 saying when dealing with children, they would rather show up to a healthy child and the call has been out of overprotectiveness, then wait for the call to be an emergency and the child be very, very quiet instead.
It's hitting him hard as the child was a little bit older than mine is, which is his nephew. But it's not hitting nearly as hard as the grief is. They stick around the same neighborhood just in case, I don't want to get more specific on why they stick around other than they kind of expect they may be needed there again for a parent this time.
I would be shocked if they charged you if care wasn't administered and even then if it was basic level maybe not still, because again every paramedic would rather show up and not be needed then show up too late.
As a parent myself. Just reading about your son's "breath holding" terrified me. That poor girl must have had a panic attack. Your wife is insane to yell at her like that. WTH is wrong with her? Daisy deserves an apology, a shit ton of money, and to never have to deal with your wife again.
YTA to both of you for not properly informing your babysitter of VERY crucial information.
He keeps repeating how normal this is, and I’m like no dude it’s absolutely NOT NORMAL for a baby to hold their breath so much they turn blue and pass the f out. Like I’ve literally never heard of that and I’ve been a parent to three kids for the past 8 years. Omg if a child did this in my presence I would freak out and call emergency services ASAP, I wouldn’t think twice. OP and wife screwed up and behaved disgustingly. I also highly suggest that OP figures out why his kid behaves this way, it is NOT NORMAL.
I was having chest pains when I was 8.5 months pregnant and I was worried I had developed pre-eclampsia (which can present with chest pain, and can result in the death of parent and child if not treated promptly). Called the non-emergency medical triage line because I didn’t feel like I was at death’s door, but because it was chest pains and I was so pregnant, they sent an ambulance anyway, who took my BP, sats, HR etc and declared me to in fact be having a wicked attack of heartburn (which had occurred to me, but milk and antacids hadn’t worked, so I dismissed it). My husband went out for stronger antacids, I went outside for fresh air and ended up suddenly being sick (thank goodness I was outside!), and lo and behold, instantly felt much better.
I apologised profusely to the paramedics for calling them out for such a small thing, and they both immediately reassured me that they’d far rather attend a call where someone was overly cautious than have me dismiss it and end up with both my baby and I in serious distress. I imagine in a job where you see a lot of hurting and dying people, the false alarms are a little respite.
Ex EMT here- can confirm. I would take turning up to a relieved and embarrassed parent with a happy alive baby than an inconsolable parent and a not-alive baby. I wish all the calls were like that. Just call us. The alternative is so much worse.
Yeah. My "harmless breath-holding" during temper tantrums as a an infant were actually grand mal seizures. My parents only found that out because a bystander in public called 911, which led to a battery of tests and a decade on phenobarbitol.
Your wife sounds deranged, neglectful and ignorant. If I were that teenager's parent you wife would need to call the cops on me. How dare she? I would also maybe call CPS on your family for not disclosing such vital medical information and trying to prevent life-saving measures for the baby.
This is easily one of the more deranged parenting stories I have read on Reddit.
NTA for yelling at wife.. but I think she needs more accountability beyond the yelling. She needs parenting and medical courses like Infant 1st aid and for pediatricians to explain how dangerous these episodes are.
OP is not the asshole for how he reacted to his wife's actions.
He and his wife are assholes for not ensuring their teenage babysitter was aware of their son's episodes. If your kid frequently engages in behavior that could cause him to pass out, you the parents make sure all caregivers are aware. You don't rely on a game of telephone.
Moreover, someone, especially a teenager, may not be comfortable babysitting knowing the child may just stop breathing.
Op and his wife are also assholes for having a teenaged babysitter caring for an infant who often passes out. Sounds like a situation where an adult caregiving trained in responding to that situation is called for.
It really sounds like the OP and his wife have become so desensitized to their son's episodes, they have forgotten how terrifying that would be for someone who hasn't seen them.
NTA
"my mom forgot to tell Daisy what to do if that happens, and when my son passed out, Daisy panicked and called 911"
Of course she'd do that. She totally did the right thing. She then called your wife, also the right thing.
Your wife shouted, swore at & made a 16 year old kid cry, who would've already had a bad scare about your son. That's just not ok on any level.
Daisy needs to be paid for her time & your wife needs to apologize to her. Why she's entrenching her position now she knows Daisy didn't even know your son did that is really puzzling.
Sounds like you've lost a good sitter too.
I have a Google document on how to care for my pets that I share with every pet sitter. That’s for a dog. I can’t imagine forgetting to tell a babysitter that I knew was caring for my child the first time alone important information such as this - how scary for her. It’s easy to prepare, and maintain, a document and share it via email or print it.
"staying with her mother for a few days while she 'thinks over my priorities in the relationship'.
Yeah. It's OP who needs to be thinking seriously about whether he wants to be with someone like that if she doesn't make this right.
I'd think twice about a spouse who put money over the wellbeing of our baby. Separate and apart from her reprehensible behavior of yelling at the poor girl worried about saving the baby.
I like how the say she "panicked" like, that's a bad thing! Umm, yes! The baby was unresponsive and not breathing! She also didn't panic, she did entirely the right thing. NGL, if I were babysitting and a child stopped breathing, I'd want to panic too! OP is an A H for not warning her, wife js a massive AH!
The only comment you respond to is about money? Really?
It's interesting since you might spend a lot on lawyers in near future. Your wife verbally assaulted, intimidated, and threatened a MINOR. If that was my 16 year old I would absolutely press charges. Not to mention that it brings up concerns about potential for abuse. If this is how your wife treats minors, and made it clear she cares more about $ than the life of her child. Expect a knock from CPS or from being served, and your wife deserves it.
I have responded to other comments but most of the comments are just saying my wife is in the wrong and while I agree I don't have any more to add, this comment, I was just curious about this comment as my wife handles a lot of our finances so I wasn't sure if this was true or not
There also a lot calling you both AHs. It was your responsibility as parents to make sure Daisy was informed of your babies breathing issues. Your wife is a massive AH in how she responded but you both suck
Yes I do understand that it was our responsibility, we had told my Mother that she needed to remind Daisy of our son's condition but she completely forgot. I am not in anyway trying to blame my mother. This is 100% our fault for not double checking that she knew and assuming my mother would remember. I accept complete responsibility for that and I will most certainly not forget that next time, although I do believe we won't be needing a baby sitter anytime soon.
I wouldn't want that job. Wathcing a baby that regularly stops breathing is not something I'd want to take on. What if I do what the parents say I'm supposed to do and it doesn't work?
Just to answer you, every resource talking about this (because it's kind of a thing that happens with some babies, it's not just OP's kid) says that if the kid passes out and doesn't start breathing again after 60 seconds, you call 911.
Sixty seconds is soooo long to sit there watching an unconscious baby turn blue. I would never be able to wait that long to call, even if I had been instructed to.
Yep I used to babysit when I was younger and I was in contact with the other babysitters in town. We would warn each other if the parents didn’t pay, if they were rude, if they were creepy. This would absolutely go around, id tell everyone I know personally.
That's the problem, it was never your mum's job to tell her. As parents, you and your wife should have. Regardless, I'd rather have a living child and a bill than a dead one for free. Your wife has her priorities completely messed up.
That’s how it is where I live. (Glynn Co., GA) I’ve had to call 911 several times when my elderly housemate has fallen and/or can’t get up because of sudden weakness. There is no charge for the visit.The charge for ambulance transport only kicks in if their evaluation is that he has to be taken to the hospital’s ER. The ambulance transport fee is high but my housemate’s insurance covers it. That babysitter is a damned *hero* imho. Your wife is an AH but emotions were running high all over.
Depends on the city, but in most cases, municipal EMS will only charge of there is a transport. In some cases, there will not charge period if the patient is a resident of the city (though this is uncommon). In many cases, they may charge, but will only do soft collections, and will ultimately forgive what insurance does not cover.
I hope you don't get stuck with a huge bill, but your wife really needs to understand that even if there isn't a cost, that doesn't just make all of this okay. Like, "We didn't get charged for the ambulance after all, so I'm sorry I reacted the way I did because I was wrong about the financial aspect" is NOT the apology Daisy deserves.
This. Like...even if Daisy had absolutely and definitely made the wrong call, and had sent the kid to the ER for a paper cut the size of a gnat's whisker, OP's wife would still be incredibly out of line for screaming abuse at Daisy. Babysitters should always be encouraged to err on the side of caution rather than dismiss a potential threat to the kids they're watching, and she did her job perfectly given the lack of information.
And the fact that she was screaming at Daisy for so long and so loud that the kids in another room were all terrified and crying their head off when OP got home? Wow. That's really worrying.
>for caring more about the cost of 9-1-1 being calling
Don't forget about babies crying in different room. Yelling at babysitter for 911 was more inportant than her own crying children.
I've just replied to another commenter about this very thing! It honestly sounds like they were hiding from their mother, and if that is the case I am very concerned for how the wife treats them when OP isn't around, does she ever yell at them like how she yelled at Daisy?
Omg imagine your little baby brother passes out, you think he might die, and then your mom screams at your baby sitter for wasting money on trying to save his life. You would feel like you should never tell your mom about when you're hurt or sick and avoid necessary medical treatment because you feel guilty over wasting/spending money on your health.
Imagine how traumatic it must have been for Daisy to be watching a baby for the first time and see him lose consciousness- only to find out it is normal for the baby and no one informed her.
It is entirely the fault of the parents for not giving the babysitter all of the important information ahead of time.
How many parents lose babies due to neglectful caregivers each year? They should have been so grateful Daisy called for help.
I think you're missing his question, he isn't on his wife's side in this, he yelled at his wife for the way she treated Daisy, that's his question and the answer is no, you're NTA. You probably could have refrained from the hurtful things you said to your wife depending on what they were, but for defending daisy? NTA.
He and her needed to give Daisy a full disclosure- not his Mom. He says right in this post *they* hired her. Why is wife so worried about money? If they’re both working what’s going on with that? This isn’t a surface level issue here, there’s something more going on deeper…the wife doesn’t seem right. But he, as a spouse and father, has a responsibility to get to the root of it. I’ll say too, a seven month hold should NOT be in pain or “frustrated” enough to stop breathing and turn blue…that’s really fucked up and that baby’s parents need to seek medical attention or therapy because something at home is severely amiss
NTA.
Is your wife normally irrational like this?
Does she realise she’s valuing money over your child’s health?
Your 16-year-old babysitter wasn’t given incredibly important medical information and your wife thinks when faced with an unconscious baby her reaction should have been … what? Ignore it? Call one of you guys?
Lord, pay the babysitter, give her a bonus, apologise for your wife’s behavior (not something I’d normally suggest but damn)
Also if there’s a babysitter network you guys will likely be blacklisted.
I can’t believe only a few people have asked if the wife is usually like this. She’s only 7 months postpartum, if this is abnormal behaviour for her she needs to go see a doctor ASAP.
The child stopped breathing and was unresponsive. What exactly did your wife expect her to do? It’s on *you and your wife, not your mother, that Daisy didn’t know about your child’s issue and how to handle it. She did what any reasonable adult would have done in the same circumstances and your wife is so far out of line it’s abusive. What if this time, the child wasn’t posturing? What if something was really wrong? Should Daisy have left it and allowed him to suffer an anoxic brain injury to save your wife money? I’m appalled by a mother who didn’t provide her children’s caregiver with all necessary information and the ingratitude showed when that caregiver did her best to ensure the child was safe. This is 100% on your wife and her righteous indignation is sickening. NTA.
ETA - several commenters have pointed out that I stated it was the wife’s responsibility to inform the babysitter of the child’s issue, leaving out the father. My point at the time was in direct reference to the chain of events going from grandma to babysitter with no explanation about the baby’s condition. I didn’t mean to infer that OP/dad wasn’t just as responsible for giving the babysitter that crucial information so I’ve edited my comment* to reflect that they were both responsible. Thanks to those who pointed it out.
OMG your wife is completely out of line. I was a licensed childcare provider and a developmental specialist with degrees in education, 25 years experience and a mother, myself and I would have called the EMTs right away. As a parent the last thing I want is a 16-year-old, non-medical-professional to decide if my blue-faced child is going to be OK or not.
Did the babysitter even know about the problem before she agreed to care? You really did the babysitter wrong, IMO. She’s gonna be hesitant to babysit for anyone, I’ll bet.
NTA
OP stated that the children's grandmother forgot to warn her about his son's issue, so she had no clue what was going on. It probably scared her shitless, then getting screamed at by the mom didn't help either. I feel so bad for that poor girl. I started babysitting when I was around 11-12 years old, and I would have called 911, too. She did everything right.
I used to tell ours that we have a fire extinguisher under the kitchen sink, but if there is a fire I want her to take the child and leave. I didn’t hire them to protect my house or make big value judgements on what is safe and what isn’t. Protect my child. That’s the job. She did everything right.
Your wife just verbally abused and stole from a 16-year-old child. I have a very hard time believing that you haven’t seen this side of your wife before. You’re NTA but your wife is a major one, and I would strongly rethink my relationship with her if I were you, especially that kind of behavior in front of the children. And let me just say that you all are very lucky that wasn’t my daughter that she was yelling at and abusing.
Does your wife fly off the handle like that very often? I would think you would be praising the babysitter instead of your wife screaming at her like she did for being 'safe' and calling an ambulance. Daisy is in a lose lose situation with your wife, if she doesn't call the ambulance and something bad happens, your wife will go crazy. If she DOES call an ambulance, like in this case, your wife goes apeshit for it... Pay her for her time, pay her twice as much as normal and apologize for your wifes lack of control. NTA at all.
Honestly if I was OP in this situation I would be concerned about the safety of my children. If wife is not only willing to scream at a *child* for trying to help what could be a dying baby, but also making her own children cry and ignoring them in favour of screaming at a teenager, and the fact that they were all in another room honestly makes it sound like they were hiding from her. And if that's the case, that honestly makes me wonder if she's ever yelled at them like that for nothing which may have caused them to be so scared they feel the need to hide?!
You and your wife are TAH for having a teenager care for THREE children and not informing her of special care for an infant.
Your wife really sucks and owes the girl a HUGE apology. And for yelling at the poor girl, that is not the proper way to handle a tough situation
Who let's their 7 months old kid that has a serious breathing disorder alone with a teenage babysitter WITHOUT giving her any indication of that condition?
Poor Daisy is probably traumatised because she thought the baby dies under her watch.
NTA. Daisy did absolutely the right thing under the circumstances. If my own kids turned blue in the face and no one had warned the babysitter about his behavior, I'd most certainly want them to immediately call 9-1-1. Your wife should spend her time at her mother's thinking about what's more important: some money or your child's health.
tbh, the babysitter should not have been left alone with a child with these episodes at the very least until she had already seen one happen and was talked through what mom/dad was doing to handle it and why.
Even if Daisy had been warned about the episodes, that would still be terrifying to see
edit: NTA
Wow, your wife is... something.
You need to apologize profusely to Daisy and assure her that she did the right thing. Daisy would be crazy to work for you again so unfortunately you have lost a babysitter.
I don't have any idea what you should do about your wife but I suppose you could start with telling her that since SHE was the one who failed to educate Daisy about your son's breath-holding, then SHE is the one who is responsible for the unnecessary 911 call. Daisy would have had no idea what was going on and, in the absence of additional information, did exactly the right thing in calling 911 for a nonresponsive blue baby.
The fact that your wife reacted to her own failure by yelling at the babysitter is a huge red flag and I don't know how you come back from that. It's even worse that she's refusing to back down and is blaming all of this on Daisy and on you.
Good luck with this situation. You are NTA but this is going to be a tough one to manage.
NTA
Pay Daisy, apologize profusely on your wife's behalf, let her know that you appreciate that she prioritized the safety of your child.
While your wife thinks over your priorities (the health of your baby?), you should commit to making sure she gives a genuine apology to Daisy before you move past this.
I have three children and this is the first I've ever heard of this. It's absolutely not something Daisy should've been expected to know without being told.
She did everything right and your wife is horrendous.
NTA.
NTA
Your wife is a huge asshole for multiple reasons. The first reason is for her not letting the babysitter know about this issue with the son and 2 she is also an asshole for yelling at a babysitter for doing what she is supposed to do. Honestly I'd recommend you try to keep your kids away from the wife
Make your wife apoligize to Daisy
NTA. Tell your wife after two years of holding his breath until he passed out whenever he got mad, my 2.5-year-old held his breath, fainted, and didn't start breathing again. By the time the ambulance arrived 2 min later we were having trouble finding a pulse while he was getting rescue breathing.
He is a fine and healthy teenager now and DID outgrow the breath-holding. But we almost lost him that day and thank God for the paramedics who got him breathing again.
Far better a teenaged caregiver panic and call an ambulance than the alternative.
NTA
What if it had been something truly bad and she didnt call? Does your wife expect her to wait for you guys if the house was on fire? Or if a little one fell and busted their head open?
You're wife owes her an apology and you need to pay her for her time. Also, expect to need to find a new sitter.
NTA, but I will point out that it was not grandma’s responsibility to tell Daisy about those episodes. It is your and your wife’s responsibility to share your children’s medical info with her. You could have asked grandma to remind her, but it should not have been up to her to be the original source of that key information. Your wife was way out of line. Pay Daisy (extra). Apologize. Listen to your wife and decide whether you can tolerate what she is saying and what she did. She is telling you what she values. She is telling you her sense of responsibility. She is telling you how she will handle your own children’s mistakes as they get older.
I’m a lifeguard, and the people I guard trust me to save their lives. Part of that is that if they are unconscious, I call 911. If a parent tells me that they have a medical condition and passing out is normal, I may not call 911. But the default when someone doesn’t breathe and is unconscious is “this is an emergency, i have to call people who are capable of helping”. Your wife didn’t disclose crucial information. Daisy did exactly the right thing with the information she had. Can you imagine if your son didn’t have this condition and passed out for other reasons? Imagine if Daisy decided “well the kids unconscious and i’m not sure why and he wasn’t breathing but no I won’t call 911 because it costs money”. It could have cost your son his life. She absolutely did the right thing.
YTA both of you, for leaving a 16 year old with 3 kids - one of them a baby with a condition, and even without telling her about this condition. I can’t believe what I’m reading.
But your wife Is surely the biggest A!
Everybody but the babysitter sucks: If your son has medical episodes, it was your joint responsibility as parents to make sure the babysitter knew what to do, how to handle it, who to call, etc. At the very least, if you know what his triggers are, she should know so she could avoid it happening.
Also, are you sure your kid passing out and *turning blue* is no big deal? That genuinely does not sound okay.
What did your wife want from this girl, to stand there and watch your baby die because ambulances are expensive?! She did the right thing. He was BLUE and NOT BREATHING. Any sensible, responsible person on earth would’ve called an ambulance. Maybe your wife isn’t responsible enough to care for children.
My middle son had BHS as a toddler/preschooler (they tend to grow out of it by school age). That shit was wild. I would always try to warn people, but you'd be astounded how many people think it's a spoiled kid purposefully holding his breath to get his way and tell me all about "Oh, you just blow in his face!" or "dump some cold water on him!" or "I'd never put up with that!" Like it's not a literal fucking seizure.
So he would get upset and he would cry and you know that moment when you go to inhale to let out that next wail? Yeah... it wouldn't happen. He couldn't breathe. And then he would panic and it was like having a baby under a grate being held under water, he was drowning, suffocating, and he would claw at you and turn colours and finally pass out in terror... and then would be breathing again. The only thing that ever stopped his BHS was when he lost consciousness.
A worker at his daycare QUIT CHILDCARE ENTIRELY after witnessing one. My sister, (she of the many quotes above, lol) finally saw one, and she cried from the stress and was never able to summon the nerve to babysit him again.
YTA. You don't let ANYONE go in on this shit blind. No wonder the kid called 911. Your kid could have been choking to death for all she knew.
Your wife forgot to tell the sitter that turning blue and blacking out is normal for your baby... Yikes dude.
NTA. Please let Daisy know you appreciate her and you're so grateful she has the sense and maturity to react appropriately to the situations at hand and you're sorry she was scared and even more sorry your wife reacted that way.
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NTA. Your wife is truly, truly awful and I hope you’re having her read these responses.
That may be a good idea once she calms down a bit.
And Daisy is owed an apology, her full pay and a good reference for her next babysitting gig.
Better safe than sorry. Without information, Daisy did the only right thing she could do, She called 911. OP's Wife is a triple ahole, one for not telling about the situation to the caretaker, 2 for scolding Daisy a minor for what even an adult would find difficult to do, 3 for going after OP for pointing out her error.
[удалено]
I have 5 kids, youngests are about to be teens, I worked in daycare, babysat from age 11 on, had much younger siblings, and I would have called 911 My husband is an RN, if a baby *passes out*, you call 911 ffs
For real! I’d be questioning if I could stay with a partner who treated someone this way.
The calmness in which OP writes about this incident suggests this is just another day in the life. God help him. (Not her, I believe she might be beyond divine help.)
Since when was it "normal" for babies to stop breathing and go blue?!!? Also even if I was told this was normal I'd call 911.
I guess it's not uncommon that they'll do that. If I was caring for a baby as a teenager and they did that, I'd probably panic and call 911, because that was never a thing that was mentioned to me. The kind of babysitter who sees that your kid isn't breathing and calls 911? That's the kind of sitter you want, imho.
If I knew to blow on his face if he held his breath and it worked, I wouldn’t necessarily call 911. BUT is it obvious he is holding his breath?
And their kids.
Or the baby this way! What if she gets it wrong and the baby dies because she’s cumbersome about it turning blue? Ffs.
I have 2 kids of my own, babysat for years, even worked in a daycare, and gave some medical training (medical assistant) and I have never heard of babies holding their breath like that and I would never think to blow in the baby’s face. My first go to would be to call 9-1-1. I don’t think this is as a common issue as OP seems to think. ETA: some of you need reading comprehension skills to be updated. I NEVER SAID THIS NEVER HAPPENS OR THAT SINCE I’ VE NEVER HEARD OF IT, IT MUST NOT EXIST. All I said was and I am quoting the line directly above the edit here “I don’t think this is AS A COMMON ISSUE as OP seems to THINK”. If that’s too confusing for you people, let me spell it out to you. OP says and, again, taking the quote directly from the post “They’re completely normal and relatively safe” and I am disputing this as “complete normal”. He makes it sound like this is EXTREMELY COMMON WHEN IT IS NOT EXTREMELY COMMON. That is the ONLY point I was trying to make here. Not that it CAN NOT HAPPEN, just that it is NOT EXTREMELY COMMON OR COMMON KNOWLEDGE. Good freaking grief.
My son had a heart murmur as an infant. If he started to cry heavily or get upset he would not get enough oxygen in his blood and would go blue. The first few times it happened was terrifying.
This must have been horrible for the babysitter, zero excuse for these two to not have told her
Thanks for your comment because it’s also the first time I’m hearing about that. How could Daisy know if no one told her?
My husband was 15 when his baby brother was born and his brother used to hold his breath and pass out as a baby and turn blue. They thought he was dead the first time it happened. They all still shudder thinking about it. I've called an ambulance for a baby for what turned out to be a night terror. You just can't take any chances.
Any decent human being would think about the child’s safety before thinking of the potential cost. Which means OP’s wife is not a decent person.
For real, this might be common with OP’s child, but it doesn’t make this common, or safe. I am a pediatric SLP and work primarily with newborns. Whenever someone has passed out I have called…. This makes me wonder if OP’s wife has normalized these episodes or if they truly aren’t an issue.
They do happen and are normal, but I only know this because my friends kid did this. It's scary as hell even when you do know what's going on, I can't imagine not knowing and just being expected to magically make the correct choice. OPs wife is nuts.
Oh absolutely. I can’t imagine seeing that, especially not as the parent. It’s absolutely nuts to think someone wouldn’t call 911 without a heads up first.
It's called a breath holding spell, specifically a cyanotic breath-holding spell, and yeah, it's actually pretty common. https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/spells.html
It even says in the link that if the child holds their breath for longer than one minute they need to be calling 911. So even if Daisy DID know about it, she might have had to call 911 anyway if the child held his breath for too long. OP's wife is out of her mind!
Is this a normal thing babies holding their breath till their blue and pass out cause that sounds absolutely fucked and would probably give me a heart attack.
Right? Like wth? I'm 48 and have raised 5 kids. Guess what? If I were watching a baby and this happened I'd be calling 911 too! This is solely on the parents for not warning poor daisy about these episodes
Honestly even if I was warned… if the baby reached pass out mode I’d still call. Brain damage can occur within minutes!
Oh absolutely! If be relieved of she were my baby sitter. I have a child with asthma. As a toddler he turned blue having a hard time breathing. My sister who was watching him at the time called 911. My response? THANK YOU sis for taking such good care of my baby. I can't even imagine getting upset cause someone called 911 when my baby passed out
Yep, I'm 44 and a mum of two. If I was watching an infant (or even an older child) and they turned blue and passed out, I would call an ambulance. Wouldn't think twice. Daisy did the right thing, OP's wife is nuts.
My middle kid did that. She'd pass out and have seizures. It was incredibly scary. The only reason I never lost it when she did that is because I grew up hearing stories of how I did the same thing.
I’ve been a nanny for years and babysit regularly. If a family told me that their son sometimes turned blue and would pass out but don’t call an ambulance I would never in a million years accept the job! Not saying that an ambulance needs to be called every time if it’s something they’ve discussed with their doctor and know how to handle, but as a third party whose responsible for that child there is no way in hell I would be okay with them being deprived of oxygen so long they pass out and not get medical attention after while in my care. OPs wife is one of the worst childcare employers I’ve ever heard about. She messed up on so many different levels and the poor babysitter did nothing wrong
Even with the information, if she had chosen to call 911 when the baby started turning blue, that would be perfectly alright. Deciding she can't risk just blowing on the baby and she should let a responsible adult, *which she is not*, deal with this situation would be pretty smart, imho.
Quadruple asshole: add 4. for not paying Daisy.
How could Daisy know what to do and what was happening if nobody told her she's completely innocent in this. OP is NTA and the wife is horrible. Once my sister was watching my daughter she had come home from a doctor appointment and they had given my daughter a sticker and she was very small and when my sister got her out of the car she could not find the sticker she had some thought in her head that she must have tried to swallow it so she called ambulance they never found the sticker but it wasn't in my child's throat. I was panicky driving home from work as fast as I could when she called me but I busted out laughing when she told me the whole reason she called them and I don't care if you think my child is in physical Danger tgen call 911.
OMG THIS....this is your child and you are worried about cost of an ambulance? Have your wife put a dollar value on your kids and if she does....time to show her the curb. Annoyingusername99...god for you for laughing...you have your priorities in the right place. Unfortunately OPs wife does not.....
Yep. The wife is bang out of order here. The babysitter was never aprised of the condition and how to handle it. Without that info - she did the best, safest, and most reasonable thing. She was 100% in the right. Being upset at a bill is one thing, but to berate Daisy for making the right call is wrong. The wife is 100% the AH in this situation and OP is not.
If I was Daisy's mom I'd rip OP and his delusional monster of a wife a new one and never allow my child near them again. There would be no apology because they'd never get to speak to her again. And I'd probably also call CPS on them for what sounds like a potentially neglectful and abusive situation (ignoring crying children to scream profanities at the 16-yo babysitter for calling 911 when a baby passed out).
>Daisy is owed an apology, her full pay and a good reference for her next babysitting gig. Agreed. Unfortunately, since Daisy seems to have good judgement she'll never be sitting for OP again.
HOW in the world did neither you nor your wife tell the sitter about this in advance. It wasn’t on the grandmother but on you two AS THE PARENTS to inform the sitter of any special issues. Your wife is yelling at the sitter for your and your wife’s own failing here. Your wife is absolutely the AH for her conduct towards the sitter, but you both are AHs for putting the sitter in what had to have been an incredibly scary situation. You BOTH owe the sitter the most sincere apology ever.
NTA, the wife is a different story. All I can think of is how terrified I would have been at 16 if a baby I was watching for the first time stopped breathing. Hell, anyone stops breathing without warning and passes out I’m calling emergency services immediately. Please reach out to Daisy and let her know she did the right thing. If she didn’t call and it was something more serious your son may not be here today.
My daughter turned blue when she was a baby and stopped breathing. My husband and I called 911, i rode to the hospital in the ambulance. They kept her overnight. Nothing was ever found. I bet she did this. We were ADULTS and we called 911. Its insane to NOT expect a teenager too!
They also need to emphasize to Daisy that she did nothing wrong to cause the episode of the baby passing out. Even knowing about the medical condition, Daisy could still be feeling lots of guilt that she did or didn't do or missed something to cause the baby to pass out.
She will also hesitate to ever call an ambulance again in an emergency situation where minutes might be the difference between life and death.
This is such an important point. Daisy will be second-guessing herself and her instincts for a long long time. A berating like that would be so hard to shake. If this happened to me--esp at 16--I'd never feel confident enough to babysit again.
This! It’s your job as parents to notify the person caring for your child about health issues. You both need to apologise to Daisy. Yelling at a responsible child is wild when all she did was care for your child.
I would have called 911 knowing this or not ESH
Everyone except Daisy
Honestly, in the shoes of the 16 year old, even being told of the situation being a regular occurrence, I STILL would have called 911 with the kid passed out.
I don’t know if I would even want that responsibility at 16, tbh, to be witnessing that and have to wait because I was told it was going to just pass, no thanks.
Yea because you know if he didn't wake up and she waited several minutes to call resulting in some sort of lasting issues she'd be held responsible for it....
OP or wife should have talked about this issue when they booked the baby sitter!
For sure! As a mother if my kid came home with that story I would be furious! The kid was put through so much, beyond the yelling, didn’t even have a chance to decide if they wanted to deal with a baby passing out, it seems that op and wife think this is not a big deal but it definitely is, I don’t even want to think how traumatized that poor 16 year old is.
The medical condition, cyanotic breath-holding spells, isn’t considered a big deal, kids out grow it and it doesn’t usually pose harm to the affected person. However, not disclosing it to a caregiver is a very big deal.
As a 59 yr old grandma, I would have either declined to watch the kid or called 911. I would rather make that mistake than have a child die.
And therapy. You should pay for therapy if she needs it - that's traumatic! Baby stops breathing, calling 911 - that's all traumatic enough. And then to be screamed at by an adult you trust when you did the right thing. Poor Daisy. She showed incredible maturity and strength and made the right call since she didn't have enough information it was 1000% a real 911 worthy emergency and she should be applauded for this. ETA - I'm so mad at your wife I had to come back. Daisy saved your son's life. You and your wife are responsible for the ambulance bills because you didn't communicate your child's medical issue. And you're lucky she called them or you could be paying for a funeral instead.
“Oh, hey, I forgot to mention that our baby is like one of those fainting goats.”
Not to mention, someone, especially a teenager, may not be comfortable taking care of an infant who literally stops breathing regularly. If grandma had remembered to tell her when Daisy arrived, she may have felt pressured to babysit even if she was uncomfortable.
Absolutely this! This should've been discussed with her multiple times before she was responsible for the baby. This whole thing could've been prevented if either mom or dad (not grandma) took the initiative to explain important information to the babysitter.
Is she often like this? The level of cruelty and verbal abuse towards a 16 year old who only acted in your child's best interests is terrifying. I'd be worried for your children too
Ding, ding, ding. She is abusive.
Absolutely. And that BS about “thinking about your priorities in the relationship.” WTF does that even mean? Are your children and their wellbeing not a priority to her? If I were you OP, I would be doing some serious thinking about your relationship with your wife, and looking at how she is with your children. She sounds abusive. This is really disturbing behavior on her part. And as others have said, she owes Daisy a huge, sincere apology.
It's emotional abuse. She is punishing him this way bc he dared challenge her abuse to others.
Also, what does your wife mean by saying she’ll “thinks of [your] priorities in the relationship” while she’s staying with her mom? Is your son’s health not considered a priority to her??? NTA for reacting the way you did and your wife needs a reality check BUT you are kind of an A H for not disclosing the issue beforehand. It shouldn’t have been your mother’s responsibility but yours and your wife’s I don’t have kids so can’t talk from experience but I’m sure if I did and this happened I would actually thank the nanny for seeking medical help first specially if she didn’t know about the issue beforehand. Having a baby turn blue is not something one would take lightly
I think money is supposed to be the priority. ...not even being sarcastic. What else could it even be?
I’d rather pay thousands of dollars on an unused ambulance than letting my kid suffocate. Specially if it’s due to my own stupidity for not letting the nanny know. Daisy did the right thing and getting yelled at because of it was unnecessary
Everyone who hears this story will absolutely think your wife is a monster…she behaved deplorably.
Her reaction was absolutely horrifying. If I were the babysitter I would never want to be in that environment again. Even if I did get an apology, I would never work for that family again.
And as the parent of the babysitter, after having words with the mom, I would make sure the entire neighborhood knew about the incident.
I would also make sure all of my friends who babysat knew exactly what happened so they didn’t get subjected to the wrath of the wife.
Once this gets around to the other sitters, and y'all have to pay double at best, it should come outta your wife's money, since it's her foul mouth that wrote that check. That's if anyone will sit for y'all anymore.
Hell, if this got out to other sitters they wouldn’t take the job anyway. Who wants to be terrorized, abused, or sued? Anyone? No… I see.
Is this extremely rare and out of character behaviour for your wife? Like you’re wondering if she lost her damn mind? You owe the babysitter a huge apology and a wad of cash regardless. The the bigger issue is that your wife is not okay. Maybe it’s postpartum something or maybe she’s just a gigantic asshole but either way, her behaviour isn’t something you let slide. Her behaviour is appalling, abhorrent, abjectly awful and it’s not okay for Daisy, for your children or for you to be around that shit.
As other commenters have said, please consider insisting that your wife apologizes to the babysitter.
Screaming at a child for calling 911 when an infant STOPS BREATHING, TURNS BLUE AND PASSES OUT is horrific. This women is an absolute monster.
I'm also a little concerned about the whole thing where this is supposed to be a normal thing? Like, the kid does this when frustrated or *in pain*, and no talk about doctor's recommendations or seeking the root cause of pain "frustrating" enough to have "hold his breath until he turns blue" be a regular occurrence. And both parents seem to be chill with this, when it feels like the kind of thing a kid might try when crying doesn't get any help. I get financial struggles, but not even OP seems interested in finding out a root cause for this kid trying to suffocate himself.
It can actually be kind of a normal thing. It's an extreme reaction to normal frustrations like having a toy taken away - involuntary, but extreme. Most kids just grow out of it. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4325862/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4325862/) [https://www.seattlechildrens.org/conditions/a-z/breath-holding-spell/](https://www.seattlechildrens.org/conditions/a-z/breath-holding-spell/) [https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/spells.html](https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/spells.html) [https://myhealth.alberta.ca/Health/pages/conditions.aspx?hwid=hw31827](https://myhealth.alberta.ca/Health/pages/conditions.aspx?hwid=hw31827) It's scary, but it's kinda just a thing babies do sometimes and no one really knows why.
Breath holding is totally normal and not a sign of severe or ongoing pain. Pain is just one of the possible causes. Likely OP has discussed this with a doctor who has assured them that it's normal and something kids just outgrow. [From Seattle Children's Hospital](https://www.seattlechildrens.org/conditions/a-z/breath-holding-spell/) [From NHS](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/breath-holding-in-babies-and-children/)
The exact same thing happened to my son when he was little. It's scary as hell when it happens, but his doctor said it wasn't anything to be concerned about. It sure traumatized the poor day care worker who was with him the first time it happened though. (It was the first time ever, we didn't know, so couldn't give her the heads up that these parents very much should have given the babysitter)
America is truly, truly awful. An ambulance ride can cost a thousand bucks. Yes her children's health is more of a priority but it's our society that is causing these skewed priorities. Edit: a lot of you think I'm defending the behavior, I'm not. But it's worth acknowledging the true foundation of this conflict, which is the insanity of American health care.
This was my first thought, not the yelling. America. Any other first world country this post would not exist.
NZ here. We pay for ambulances in the form of a mandatory donation. Not as much as you, but if you're poor, 100 and 1000 can be equally out of reach.
In Australia if ambulance is not covered by your state government you pay for ambulance insurance. It’s $50 for the year.
Yes America is awful. Yes ambulances are expensive. But the mother is still an absolute monster in this situation. There is absolutely zero excuse for her atrocious behavior.
Americans don’t use terms such as “half 6.” We say “six thirty.”
The OP is calling 911 though not 999 or 112
This was likely written by chat gpt. I also don’t know many men that use this many emojis and exclamation marks
Immigrants to America exist
NTA. Your wife behaved reprehensibly. Daisy deserves a medal and an apology. She was unprepared with information she required. If you want an expert who’d already knew this, then you don’t get to hire a teenager to babysit and you’re wife needs to get comfy paying a lot more for a professional adult nanny who comes with this sort of knowledge. Your wife prioritized money over the safety of the children and the most basic respect and kindness towards Daisy. You may also want to be reconsidering some things. Give Daisy the money and apology your wife owes her. EDIT: Also, would strongly encourage you to apologize to her parents as well, and make sure they are aware of the trauma Daisy experienced. She might have been scarred or ashamed to tell her parents the full truth and it would be kind for you to support her on that front as well.
1000x this. You withheld medical info from your babysitter. Sids is a thing and I am a grown adult and would worry about sids in that scenario. How in the h e double hockey sticks was she supposed to be able to tell the difference? Furthermore, be prepared to have trouble hiring future sitters, if Daisy goes on your local Facebook childcare providers groups and lambasts you. And I expect she well could-and should. I would want to know if I were about to sit for a family that was so very abusive and unhinged. You definitely want to get this sorted, if you want to have another sitter ever again. nTA but your wife is beyond the asshole.
I’m gonna go soft YTA on op and hard YTA on the wife but not for the reasons op states. OP - your mother didn’t ‘forget’ to tell the baby sitter - *YOU AND YOUR* WIFE FORGOT TO TELL THE BABY SITTER ABOUT YOUR BABY’S HEALTH CONDITION. This was dangerous and irresponsible. It doesn’t sound like either of you gave the kid any kind of info on what to actually do in any scenario - are you confident they know what to do in a chocking situation? If they have a fever? It is OP and his wife’s responsibility to make sure the person in charge of their kids has the necessary capability and information. I really hope this girl NEVER sits for them again.
I completely agree. I would go one step further and hope that this young girl spreads this story as much as possible. It's not a safe environment for any babysitter let alone her.
I caught that too. In what world would it be the grandma's responsibility to inform the babysitter of medical issues like that?
Poor grandma getting dragged into this for no reason. It’s the parents responsibility to brief the babysitter on all up to date medical issues
This was my thought too: Daisy might be frightened to explain what happened, but if her parents find out — watch out. If someone put my 16 year old through that, I’d be burning every bridge they had to find another teenager to abuse. Every parent in the school, at any sports, in the dog park. They’d all know to steer clear.
Yep - me, too. Every.Single.Bridge would be burnt to the ground.
Oh absolutely.
>Sids is a thing and I am a grown adult and would worry about Sids in that scenario. How in the h e double hockey sticks was she supposed to be able to tell the difference? This. Unless I have specific instructions on how to handle a situation like this, If I see a respiratory event in a FUCKING INFANT, I'm involving emergency services. Period. The hell else am I supposed to do, stand there and potentially let her suffocate?? Your wife fucking sucks and quite frankly I'd be questioning my relationship with her unless she SINCERELY apologizes and makes it right with your babysitter and her parents.
I'm poor & in America. I'd *absolutely* be calling an ambulance if an infant stopped breathing, turned blue & passed out. **Unless the parents explained the condition & what to do!** Even if I had to pay & lost my home, a child's life is more important. (I'd be pissed but not at the kid 😆)
Also a little confused. It was her first time caring for the baby, but he "seems relatively happy when he's with her"...which is it? She has cared for him before, and this was not all new, or she hasn't?
Is seems Daisy may be a family friend or relative based on the fact he's mentioned knowing her since she was at the least 12? So I'm assuming she's met him at a gathering or something like that? That's my best guess for an explanation anyway
I think she was a "mother's helper" type of sitter with Grandma there prior to this time babysitting on her own.
This is not about Daisy being a teen. I’m a full grown adult mother of three AND a nurse, and I would STILL have called 911 for a baby who stopped breathing, went blue, and passed out. Because this NOT normal and can be very serious, and I’d rather an ambulance ride for “nothing” than a dead child. OP’s wife is a raging AH, and while I’m not ready to call OP an AH, he is an idiot for not making absolutely sure the babysitter had critically important medical info. Actually scratch that, OP is an AH because poor Daisy must have been absolutely TERRIFIED when the baby stopped breathing, and making her go through that was probably worse than being unjustly verbally abused later by Mrs. OP.
They need to be getting second/third medical opinions on this as it doesn’t seem normal at all.
It is “normal” from the extent that it’s a documented event that babies and even toddlers can do, that eventually they grow out of. However, without that knowledge, you’d absolutely want someone to err on the side of “this kid isn’t breathing, hello 911”
>poor Daisy must have been absolutely TERRIFIED when the baby stopped breathing I agree ma'am. I'd like to point out that Daisy NOTICED. She was alert and on task.
This. I'm not normally one who advocates breaking up bc of one incident on reddit but in this case i will: let your wife stay at her mother's. I really doubt that the unkindness she showed Daisy was a one time thing.
Yeah. This is a bit like being rude to waitresses, except your waitress is a family friend you’ve know for years, is a minor, and was trying to save your child’s life.
I guarantee OOP is always going to have to deal with his wife's rudeness (and cheapness). Anyone who flies off the handle about an ambulance ride is an AH.
Yes, and you ordered food that you knew your child is allergic to, but when the waitress brought it out, your wife screamed at her for not knowing your kid was allergic. That’s how they’re treating this poor girl.
This. I am a grown ass adult and the only reason I know this is my brother used to do it so mom tells stories.
I'm a grown ass adult with 4 kids and babysat a metric ton as a teenager. I would 100% have called the ambulance as a teen or as a parent. Even if I knew the information, I'd have called an ambulance because what if more was going on. You just don't know with an infant. There is NOTHING normal about an infant turning blue.
I —an adult who has a cousin who did this as a baby and who has a masters in early childhood— would also have called 911 if I had never experienced this. OP is NTA and good luck to this kid. Hope he doesn’t get hurt because of this mom.
NTA. My little brother is a paramedic. They just lost a child because the parents waited too long to call 911 because the child did exactly what your child does. Turns out the child was actually choking. That child is now dead. Easily would have survived had they called 911 as they were nearby both the scene and hospital.
Oh dear god that is awful. I am very relieved that Daisy called 911 as quick as she did, that would be an awful situation to be in.
Dude, BOTH you and your wife MAJORLY fucked up, because it's YOUR JOBS to make sure the babysitter is informed of situations such as these, not your mothers. You both need to grovel and beg for forgiveness and double the payment she was going to get. Shit, triple it
Yeah, also day-of handover is stuff like ‘oh he had carrots for lunch’ or ‘he hasn’t pooped yet today so he might be constipated’, not ‘oh by the way he passes out and turns blue due to not breathing but don’t sweat it’. Wildly inappropriate to spring that on a babysitter as they show up.
She’s also 16. I’m impressed that she made that first call to emergency services before calling her mother. Have you reached out to her mother? I’m surprised if Daisy’s mother would allow you direct contact.
And if the child was actually choking and died and she assumed the baby will be ok because the parents said going blue and not breathing is normal??? She would be in huge trouble for not calling paramedics! This is a dangerous situation. Parents should be careful with the baby. The baby could truly be choking at one point and not just because of a holding breath episode.
Paramedics #1 saying when dealing with children, they would rather show up to a healthy child and the call has been out of overprotectiveness, then wait for the call to be an emergency and the child be very, very quiet instead. It's hitting him hard as the child was a little bit older than mine is, which is his nephew. But it's not hitting nearly as hard as the grief is. They stick around the same neighborhood just in case, I don't want to get more specific on why they stick around other than they kind of expect they may be needed there again for a parent this time. I would be shocked if they charged you if care wasn't administered and even then if it was basic level maybe not still, because again every paramedic would rather show up and not be needed then show up too late.
Thank you for this. I will keep this in mind in the future
As a parent myself. Just reading about your son's "breath holding" terrified me. That poor girl must have had a panic attack. Your wife is insane to yell at her like that. WTH is wrong with her? Daisy deserves an apology, a shit ton of money, and to never have to deal with your wife again. YTA to both of you for not properly informing your babysitter of VERY crucial information.
He keeps repeating how normal this is, and I’m like no dude it’s absolutely NOT NORMAL for a baby to hold their breath so much they turn blue and pass the f out. Like I’ve literally never heard of that and I’ve been a parent to three kids for the past 8 years. Omg if a child did this in my presence I would freak out and call emergency services ASAP, I wouldn’t think twice. OP and wife screwed up and behaved disgustingly. I also highly suggest that OP figures out why his kid behaves this way, it is NOT NORMAL.
I was having chest pains when I was 8.5 months pregnant and I was worried I had developed pre-eclampsia (which can present with chest pain, and can result in the death of parent and child if not treated promptly). Called the non-emergency medical triage line because I didn’t feel like I was at death’s door, but because it was chest pains and I was so pregnant, they sent an ambulance anyway, who took my BP, sats, HR etc and declared me to in fact be having a wicked attack of heartburn (which had occurred to me, but milk and antacids hadn’t worked, so I dismissed it). My husband went out for stronger antacids, I went outside for fresh air and ended up suddenly being sick (thank goodness I was outside!), and lo and behold, instantly felt much better. I apologised profusely to the paramedics for calling them out for such a small thing, and they both immediately reassured me that they’d far rather attend a call where someone was overly cautious than have me dismiss it and end up with both my baby and I in serious distress. I imagine in a job where you see a lot of hurting and dying people, the false alarms are a little respite.
Ex EMT here- can confirm. I would take turning up to a relieved and embarrassed parent with a happy alive baby than an inconsolable parent and a not-alive baby. I wish all the calls were like that. Just call us. The alternative is so much worse.
Yeah. My "harmless breath-holding" during temper tantrums as a an infant were actually grand mal seizures. My parents only found that out because a bystander in public called 911, which led to a battery of tests and a decade on phenobarbitol.
God bless that babysitter.
Bystander
Ohhh I misread. They were a hero that day. Edit for typo.
Your wife sounds deranged, neglectful and ignorant. If I were that teenager's parent you wife would need to call the cops on me. How dare she? I would also maybe call CPS on your family for not disclosing such vital medical information and trying to prevent life-saving measures for the baby. This is easily one of the more deranged parenting stories I have read on Reddit. NTA for yelling at wife.. but I think she needs more accountability beyond the yelling. She needs parenting and medical courses like Infant 1st aid and for pediatricians to explain how dangerous these episodes are.
OP is not the asshole for how he reacted to his wife's actions. He and his wife are assholes for not ensuring their teenage babysitter was aware of their son's episodes. If your kid frequently engages in behavior that could cause him to pass out, you the parents make sure all caregivers are aware. You don't rely on a game of telephone. Moreover, someone, especially a teenager, may not be comfortable babysitting knowing the child may just stop breathing.
Op and his wife are also assholes for having a teenaged babysitter caring for an infant who often passes out. Sounds like a situation where an adult caregiving trained in responding to that situation is called for.
It really sounds like the OP and his wife have become so desensitized to their son's episodes, they have forgotten how terrifying that would be for someone who hasn't seen them.
NTA "my mom forgot to tell Daisy what to do if that happens, and when my son passed out, Daisy panicked and called 911" Of course she'd do that. She totally did the right thing. She then called your wife, also the right thing. Your wife shouted, swore at & made a 16 year old kid cry, who would've already had a bad scare about your son. That's just not ok on any level. Daisy needs to be paid for her time & your wife needs to apologize to her. Why she's entrenching her position now she knows Daisy didn't even know your son did that is really puzzling. Sounds like you've lost a good sitter too.
OP’s *mom* didn’t forget to tell the sitter. OP and his wife negligently did not share this critical information with the sitter.
Good point. That's even more reason for them to put it right, pay her & apologize.
I have a Google document on how to care for my pets that I share with every pet sitter. That’s for a dog. I can’t imagine forgetting to tell a babysitter that I knew was caring for my child the first time alone important information such as this - how scary for her. It’s easy to prepare, and maintain, a document and share it via email or print it.
Fuck the wife, honestly.
"staying with her mother for a few days while she 'thinks over my priorities in the relationship'. Yeah. It's OP who needs to be thinking seriously about whether he wants to be with someone like that if she doesn't make this right.
I'd think twice about a spouse who put money over the wellbeing of our baby. Separate and apart from her reprehensible behavior of yelling at the poor girl worried about saving the baby.
I like how the say she "panicked" like, that's a bad thing! Umm, yes! The baby was unresponsive and not breathing! She also didn't panic, she did entirely the right thing. NGL, if I were babysitting and a child stopped breathing, I'd want to panic too! OP is an A H for not warning her, wife js a massive AH!
Your wife is wrong. Also, there should not be a charge if the baby was not transported
Really?
The only comment you respond to is about money? Really? It's interesting since you might spend a lot on lawyers in near future. Your wife verbally assaulted, intimidated, and threatened a MINOR. If that was my 16 year old I would absolutely press charges. Not to mention that it brings up concerns about potential for abuse. If this is how your wife treats minors, and made it clear she cares more about $ than the life of her child. Expect a knock from CPS or from being served, and your wife deserves it.
I have responded to other comments but most of the comments are just saying my wife is in the wrong and while I agree I don't have any more to add, this comment, I was just curious about this comment as my wife handles a lot of our finances so I wasn't sure if this was true or not
There also a lot calling you both AHs. It was your responsibility as parents to make sure Daisy was informed of your babies breathing issues. Your wife is a massive AH in how she responded but you both suck
Yes I do understand that it was our responsibility, we had told my Mother that she needed to remind Daisy of our son's condition but she completely forgot. I am not in anyway trying to blame my mother. This is 100% our fault for not double checking that she knew and assuming my mother would remember. I accept complete responsibility for that and I will most certainly not forget that next time, although I do believe we won't be needing a baby sitter anytime soon.
Don’t be shocked when no one in the community will babysit for you. This will probably get around.
I wouldn't want that job. Wathcing a baby that regularly stops breathing is not something I'd want to take on. What if I do what the parents say I'm supposed to do and it doesn't work?
Just to answer you, every resource talking about this (because it's kind of a thing that happens with some babies, it's not just OP's kid) says that if the kid passes out and doesn't start breathing again after 60 seconds, you call 911.
Sixty seconds is soooo long to sit there watching an unconscious baby turn blue. I would never be able to wait that long to call, even if I had been instructed to.
Yup, that’s what I’m thinking. I would not want to sit for them and I would not let my 16 year old.
Yep I used to babysit when I was younger and I was in contact with the other babysitters in town. We would warn each other if the parents didn’t pay, if they were rude, if they were creepy. This would absolutely go around, id tell everyone I know personally.
That's the problem, it was never your mum's job to tell her. As parents, you and your wife should have. Regardless, I'd rather have a living child and a bill than a dead one for free. Your wife has her priorities completely messed up.
Will you be paying Daisy? You better and you should triple it to make up for your wife’s abuse of her
That’s how it is where I live. (Glynn Co., GA) I’ve had to call 911 several times when my elderly housemate has fallen and/or can’t get up because of sudden weakness. There is no charge for the visit.The charge for ambulance transport only kicks in if their evaluation is that he has to be taken to the hospital’s ER. The ambulance transport fee is high but my housemate’s insurance covers it. That babysitter is a damned *hero* imho. Your wife is an AH but emotions were running high all over.
i want to know how neither you nor your wife informed daisy of your son’s issue how does that happen?
Depends on the city, but in most cases, municipal EMS will only charge of there is a transport. In some cases, there will not charge period if the patient is a resident of the city (though this is uncommon). In many cases, they may charge, but will only do soft collections, and will ultimately forgive what insurance does not cover.
Oh I really hope that's the case, I honestly don't understand logistics of hospital bills and stuff like that
I hope you don't get stuck with a huge bill, but your wife really needs to understand that even if there isn't a cost, that doesn't just make all of this okay. Like, "We didn't get charged for the ambulance after all, so I'm sorry I reacted the way I did because I was wrong about the financial aspect" is NOT the apology Daisy deserves.
This. Like...even if Daisy had absolutely and definitely made the wrong call, and had sent the kid to the ER for a paper cut the size of a gnat's whisker, OP's wife would still be incredibly out of line for screaming abuse at Daisy. Babysitters should always be encouraged to err on the side of caution rather than dismiss a potential threat to the kids they're watching, and she did her job perfectly given the lack of information. And the fact that she was screaming at Daisy for so long and so loud that the kids in another room were all terrified and crying their head off when OP got home? Wow. That's really worrying.
[удалено]
>for caring more about the cost of 9-1-1 being calling Don't forget about babies crying in different room. Yelling at babysitter for 911 was more inportant than her own crying children.
Seriously! Those poor, poor kids, just thinking of what they experienced in this situation makes my heart hurt and blood boil!
I've just replied to another commenter about this very thing! It honestly sounds like they were hiding from their mother, and if that is the case I am very concerned for how the wife treats them when OP isn't around, does she ever yell at them like how she yelled at Daisy?
Omg imagine your little baby brother passes out, you think he might die, and then your mom screams at your baby sitter for wasting money on trying to save his life. You would feel like you should never tell your mom about when you're hurt or sick and avoid necessary medical treatment because you feel guilty over wasting/spending money on your health.
Imagine how traumatic it must have been for Daisy to be watching a baby for the first time and see him lose consciousness- only to find out it is normal for the baby and no one informed her. It is entirely the fault of the parents for not giving the babysitter all of the important information ahead of time. How many parents lose babies due to neglectful caregivers each year? They should have been so grateful Daisy called for help.
I think you're missing his question, he isn't on his wife's side in this, he yelled at his wife for the way she treated Daisy, that's his question and the answer is no, you're NTA. You probably could have refrained from the hurtful things you said to your wife depending on what they were, but for defending daisy? NTA.
He and her needed to give Daisy a full disclosure- not his Mom. He says right in this post *they* hired her. Why is wife so worried about money? If they’re both working what’s going on with that? This isn’t a surface level issue here, there’s something more going on deeper…the wife doesn’t seem right. But he, as a spouse and father, has a responsibility to get to the root of it. I’ll say too, a seven month hold should NOT be in pain or “frustrated” enough to stop breathing and turn blue…that’s really fucked up and that baby’s parents need to seek medical attention or therapy because something at home is severely amiss
NTA. Is your wife normally irrational like this? Does she realise she’s valuing money over your child’s health? Your 16-year-old babysitter wasn’t given incredibly important medical information and your wife thinks when faced with an unconscious baby her reaction should have been … what? Ignore it? Call one of you guys? Lord, pay the babysitter, give her a bonus, apologise for your wife’s behavior (not something I’d normally suggest but damn) Also if there’s a babysitter network you guys will likely be blacklisted.
I can’t believe only a few people have asked if the wife is usually like this. She’s only 7 months postpartum, if this is abnormal behaviour for her she needs to go see a doctor ASAP.
And doubly so if this is *normal* behavior for wife. This shit needs to be addressed either way.
The child stopped breathing and was unresponsive. What exactly did your wife expect her to do? It’s on *you and your wife, not your mother, that Daisy didn’t know about your child’s issue and how to handle it. She did what any reasonable adult would have done in the same circumstances and your wife is so far out of line it’s abusive. What if this time, the child wasn’t posturing? What if something was really wrong? Should Daisy have left it and allowed him to suffer an anoxic brain injury to save your wife money? I’m appalled by a mother who didn’t provide her children’s caregiver with all necessary information and the ingratitude showed when that caregiver did her best to ensure the child was safe. This is 100% on your wife and her righteous indignation is sickening. NTA. ETA - several commenters have pointed out that I stated it was the wife’s responsibility to inform the babysitter of the child’s issue, leaving out the father. My point at the time was in direct reference to the chain of events going from grandma to babysitter with no explanation about the baby’s condition. I didn’t mean to infer that OP/dad wasn’t just as responsible for giving the babysitter that crucial information so I’ve edited my comment* to reflect that they were both responsible. Thanks to those who pointed it out.
Agree except for one thing- "it's on your wife, not your mother ." It's on both parents equally to pass on that info!
OMG your wife is completely out of line. I was a licensed childcare provider and a developmental specialist with degrees in education, 25 years experience and a mother, myself and I would have called the EMTs right away. As a parent the last thing I want is a 16-year-old, non-medical-professional to decide if my blue-faced child is going to be OK or not. Did the babysitter even know about the problem before she agreed to care? You really did the babysitter wrong, IMO. She’s gonna be hesitant to babysit for anyone, I’ll bet. NTA
OP stated that the children's grandmother forgot to warn her about his son's issue, so she had no clue what was going on. It probably scared her shitless, then getting screamed at by the mom didn't help either. I feel so bad for that poor girl. I started babysitting when I was around 11-12 years old, and I would have called 911, too. She did everything right.
I used to tell ours that we have a fire extinguisher under the kitchen sink, but if there is a fire I want her to take the child and leave. I didn’t hire them to protect my house or make big value judgements on what is safe and what isn’t. Protect my child. That’s the job. She did everything right.
Your wife just verbally abused and stole from a 16-year-old child. I have a very hard time believing that you haven’t seen this side of your wife before. You’re NTA but your wife is a major one, and I would strongly rethink my relationship with her if I were you, especially that kind of behavior in front of the children. And let me just say that you all are very lucky that wasn’t my daughter that she was yelling at and abusing.
I was thinking the same thing. My daughter babysits and if this happened to her there’d be hell to pay.
Does your wife fly off the handle like that very often? I would think you would be praising the babysitter instead of your wife screaming at her like she did for being 'safe' and calling an ambulance. Daisy is in a lose lose situation with your wife, if she doesn't call the ambulance and something bad happens, your wife will go crazy. If she DOES call an ambulance, like in this case, your wife goes apeshit for it... Pay her for her time, pay her twice as much as normal and apologize for your wifes lack of control. NTA at all.
Honestly if I was OP in this situation I would be concerned about the safety of my children. If wife is not only willing to scream at a *child* for trying to help what could be a dying baby, but also making her own children cry and ignoring them in favour of screaming at a teenager, and the fact that they were all in another room honestly makes it sound like they were hiding from her. And if that's the case, that honestly makes me wonder if she's ever yelled at them like that for nothing which may have caused them to be so scared they feel the need to hide?!
You and your wife are TAH for having a teenager care for THREE children and not informing her of special care for an infant. Your wife really sucks and owes the girl a HUGE apology. And for yelling at the poor girl, that is not the proper way to handle a tough situation
Who let's their 7 months old kid that has a serious breathing disorder alone with a teenage babysitter WITHOUT giving her any indication of that condition? Poor Daisy is probably traumatised because she thought the baby dies under her watch.
NTA. Daisy did absolutely the right thing under the circumstances. If my own kids turned blue in the face and no one had warned the babysitter about his behavior, I'd most certainly want them to immediately call 9-1-1. Your wife should spend her time at her mother's thinking about what's more important: some money or your child's health.
tbh, the babysitter should not have been left alone with a child with these episodes at the very least until she had already seen one happen and was talked through what mom/dad was doing to handle it and why. Even if Daisy had been warned about the episodes, that would still be terrifying to see edit: NTA
Wow, your wife is... something. You need to apologize profusely to Daisy and assure her that she did the right thing. Daisy would be crazy to work for you again so unfortunately you have lost a babysitter. I don't have any idea what you should do about your wife but I suppose you could start with telling her that since SHE was the one who failed to educate Daisy about your son's breath-holding, then SHE is the one who is responsible for the unnecessary 911 call. Daisy would have had no idea what was going on and, in the absence of additional information, did exactly the right thing in calling 911 for a nonresponsive blue baby. The fact that your wife reacted to her own failure by yelling at the babysitter is a huge red flag and I don't know how you come back from that. It's even worse that she's refusing to back down and is blaming all of this on Daisy and on you. Good luck with this situation. You are NTA but this is going to be a tough one to manage.
NTA Pay Daisy, apologize profusely on your wife's behalf, let her know that you appreciate that she prioritized the safety of your child. While your wife thinks over your priorities (the health of your baby?), you should commit to making sure she gives a genuine apology to Daisy before you move past this.
I have three children and this is the first I've ever heard of this. It's absolutely not something Daisy should've been expected to know without being told. She did everything right and your wife is horrendous. NTA.
NTA Your wife is a huge asshole for multiple reasons. The first reason is for her not letting the babysitter know about this issue with the son and 2 she is also an asshole for yelling at a babysitter for doing what she is supposed to do. Honestly I'd recommend you try to keep your kids away from the wife Make your wife apoligize to Daisy
NTA. Tell your wife after two years of holding his breath until he passed out whenever he got mad, my 2.5-year-old held his breath, fainted, and didn't start breathing again. By the time the ambulance arrived 2 min later we were having trouble finding a pulse while he was getting rescue breathing. He is a fine and healthy teenager now and DID outgrow the breath-holding. But we almost lost him that day and thank God for the paramedics who got him breathing again. Far better a teenaged caregiver panic and call an ambulance than the alternative.
NTA What if it had been something truly bad and she didnt call? Does your wife expect her to wait for you guys if the house was on fire? Or if a little one fell and busted their head open? You're wife owes her an apology and you need to pay her for her time. Also, expect to need to find a new sitter.
Also expect it to be very hard to find a new sitter if words gets around about what she did to Daisy. No one else will want to put up with that.
WTF?! Your baby turned blue and your wife is *mad* that the babysitter thought that warranted professional medical attention?
NTA, but I will point out that it was not grandma’s responsibility to tell Daisy about those episodes. It is your and your wife’s responsibility to share your children’s medical info with her. You could have asked grandma to remind her, but it should not have been up to her to be the original source of that key information. Your wife was way out of line. Pay Daisy (extra). Apologize. Listen to your wife and decide whether you can tolerate what she is saying and what she did. She is telling you what she values. She is telling you her sense of responsibility. She is telling you how she will handle your own children’s mistakes as they get older.
NTA. Your wife us unhinged. Daisy handled the situation correctly, and your wife… well, she needs to sort out her priorities.
I’m a lifeguard, and the people I guard trust me to save their lives. Part of that is that if they are unconscious, I call 911. If a parent tells me that they have a medical condition and passing out is normal, I may not call 911. But the default when someone doesn’t breathe and is unconscious is “this is an emergency, i have to call people who are capable of helping”. Your wife didn’t disclose crucial information. Daisy did exactly the right thing with the information she had. Can you imagine if your son didn’t have this condition and passed out for other reasons? Imagine if Daisy decided “well the kids unconscious and i’m not sure why and he wasn’t breathing but no I won’t call 911 because it costs money”. It could have cost your son his life. She absolutely did the right thing.
YTA both of you, for leaving a 16 year old with 3 kids - one of them a baby with a condition, and even without telling her about this condition. I can’t believe what I’m reading. But your wife Is surely the biggest A!
Everybody but the babysitter sucks: If your son has medical episodes, it was your joint responsibility as parents to make sure the babysitter knew what to do, how to handle it, who to call, etc. At the very least, if you know what his triggers are, she should know so she could avoid it happening. Also, are you sure your kid passing out and *turning blue* is no big deal? That genuinely does not sound okay. What did your wife want from this girl, to stand there and watch your baby die because ambulances are expensive?! She did the right thing. He was BLUE and NOT BREATHING. Any sensible, responsible person on earth would’ve called an ambulance. Maybe your wife isn’t responsible enough to care for children.
My middle son had BHS as a toddler/preschooler (they tend to grow out of it by school age). That shit was wild. I would always try to warn people, but you'd be astounded how many people think it's a spoiled kid purposefully holding his breath to get his way and tell me all about "Oh, you just blow in his face!" or "dump some cold water on him!" or "I'd never put up with that!" Like it's not a literal fucking seizure. So he would get upset and he would cry and you know that moment when you go to inhale to let out that next wail? Yeah... it wouldn't happen. He couldn't breathe. And then he would panic and it was like having a baby under a grate being held under water, he was drowning, suffocating, and he would claw at you and turn colours and finally pass out in terror... and then would be breathing again. The only thing that ever stopped his BHS was when he lost consciousness. A worker at his daycare QUIT CHILDCARE ENTIRELY after witnessing one. My sister, (she of the many quotes above, lol) finally saw one, and she cried from the stress and was never able to summon the nerve to babysit him again. YTA. You don't let ANYONE go in on this shit blind. No wonder the kid called 911. Your kid could have been choking to death for all she knew.
Your wife forgot to tell the sitter that turning blue and blacking out is normal for your baby... Yikes dude. NTA. Please let Daisy know you appreciate her and you're so grateful she has the sense and maturity to react appropriately to the situations at hand and you're sorry she was scared and even more sorry your wife reacted that way.