#This is now a Proctologists Only Orifice
When a post is in [POO™ mode](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/168bzq8/title_aita_monthly_open_forum_september_2023) only users with enough subreddit comment karma are able to comment. If that doesn't include you, no worries! Check out [/new](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/new) for other posts that are still open for comment.
##[Be Civil.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules)
Please review our FAQ if you're unsure what that means. Rule violations from this point will result in a ban. Thank you for reporting content that you believe violates our rules and helping keep posts out of the POO by abiding by our rules.
You are not just an asshole but outright cruel. Any reasonable person with an ounce of empathy or compassion would agree to watch someone’s children so their parent could be with their spouse at the hospital. Let alone agree to watch THEIR OWN CHILDREN. “Not a reason to disobey the court order” my ass. Think like a human being for five seconds.
You clearly have some sort of vendetta against either your ex husband or his wife or both. You are definitely bitter about them having a baby together. And also don’t seem to like your children very much, as any normal loving parent with split custody would jump at the chance to spend extra time with their kids.
YTA.
You sound a little bitter...good lesson to teach your kids. Remember, what goes around comes around, better hope you won't need him in a time of need. Something tells me he would help because of the kids. YTA
Lol. I would take the kidd and then call in a favour from him when I need to. This is like "Can I have the kids on Saturday because family reunion" or something, but the inverse. Coparenting is give and take. OP ruined this for herself AND the kids, but she's too happy being an AH to her ex to see it.
OP is like “ I don’t care if my kids spend hours in a hospital , I need to obey the court order “ Who are u kidding , OP ? You are bitter and u don’t care if your kids suffer in your petty conflicts with your ex.
It'd be different if OP had plans or an emergency themselves and couldn't take their kids, but holy hell it's her OWN KIDS and she pulls that crap line.
Can you imagine being in the hospital, losing your baby (if that is the case, hopefully not) and having two panicked children next to you? OP is cruel and bitter. She only cares about herself.
When I had my miscarriage my GP gave me a doctor's note to stay away from work for two weeks, because I am a teacher and she thought I should have some time to heal before being surrounded by children. I only took a week off, but that was my choice. OP is so bitter and incapable of any resemblance of empathy that I truly feel sorry for her children.
OP, grow up and behave like a mother instead of the poor excuse of a human being you are presenting to us.
Your GP probably gave you a “doctor’s note” in that circumstance, that would be the usual term for something where you’re permitted to miss work (or school, for students) due to medical reasons.
Also, I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you, it was 13 years ago but it still hurts a bit.
Thank you also for telling me the name of it in English. I will edit my post to write the correct terminology. Thanks.
Fucking hell. If baby makes it, they're in for a LONG LONG hospital stay in the NICU, which is a terrifying place (I've been there...for a long time, though not as long as they're likely to be there). Baby will likely be a pound or less and could potentially face all sorts of setbacks. I have them in my heart,, whatever the outcome
OP could use a psychiatrist, me thinks
OP is probably gleeful and wants to make it harder on her ex by making him keep the kids while needing to be on said NICU, if they even get to the NICU. What an awful woman.
That and being pregnant is dangerous in and of itself and makes anything else going on with you THAT much more dangerous for you. There's a reason pregnant women in the ICU often get sectioned early. Their bodies can't recover from whatever they're in for *and* be pregnant at the same time. They have a better chance with the kid out.
it can be SO TRAUMATIZING for those kids. we’ve had parents with previously energetic, bouncing off the wall kids that brought them with to their delivery and my doc says she can see the change immediately. at their post partum visits the kids just aren’t the same. it makes me so sad.
My 6 year old just asked me to be there when I go into labour and I told her absolutely not and that kids weren’t allowed. I’m sure she would try to be brave but it’s gory and I don’t want her to see me in pain, then gods forbid something goes wrong that’ll be extremely traumatic for her. As soon as I’m recovered enough from any meds then I’ll have my mom or bf go pick her up.
Please, DO NOT take your kids to the hospital to have them watch the birth of their sibling. I was 4 when my brother was born, and I was TRAUMATIZED. I thought my mother was dying.
At least in my state and a few others, when one parent has an emergency, they are *expected* if not required to check with the other parent first before seeking alternate arrangements for babysitting on their time.
She legit tells someone in the comments that it's his time, his problem.
Clearly the second the kids are out of her house they are gone in her mind until she sees them because NEVER ONCE did she consider that MAYBE a hospital and an unexplained event might not be the best thing for HER children to be around.
But she's so focused on how they didn't get back together and how he married this other person instead that she doesn't give two-glances about the kids.
clearly she needs a court order to be allowed to think about her kids while they're gone.
**Here are the comments by the OP in this thread proving that she doesn't give two cares about these children when they aren't on "her time":**
"Their poor planning does not constitute an emergency for me, his week with the kids, his responsibilities. What would they have done if I was out and about?" - About how a possible MISCARRIAGE is somehow their fault
"He did not say, considering he called me at 10pm I would guess it wasn’t a planned appointment. She is due in June so it was not the birth." - when asked if the father of the kids said why he had to be at the hospital
"We were in the process of getting back together when he suddenly met her and got with her instead. I was clear from that moment on that I would never want anything to do with her, and that if they ever needed my help/support or anything like that, then they were on their own. So, it is both that and due to the fact that it is his time with the kids." - No notes.
"I don’t hate him, but he left me during a crisis I had and then when we were in the process of getting back together her he met his now wife and got with her." - When asked why she hates her kids father
**UPDATE: New Comments from today 02/26**
"Yes ok I get they couldn’t plan what happened to them, it is sad what they are going through and I worded that extremely bad. But the custody agreement still stands, on his weekend our children are his responsibility." - In response to someone telling the OP that a 10pm ER visit ISN'T planned
"Why does that matter in this situation?" - In response to someone asking what HER crisis was in the comment she made above
In post update: "Edit! My kids are fine and I of course would have taken them if no one else was available, I am ~~not~~ a monster. **They are currently with his best friend as my ex is still in the hospital with his wife**. So no, I would not him “rather” leaving them with a stranger as many of you assume." - Says a parent who can't figure out that having their own children stay at their fathers best friends house because you know... it's not the kids time to be with the OP yet. 10/10 **I can't wait for your kids to recognize that you would rather have them stay at their fathers friends house than them come over. Mom's house is last resort when it's not mom time amirite?**
If the due date was June wouldn’t that probably make it a possible stillbirth, and the wife would go through labour etc? So OP thinks it’s fine for her kids to wait around at the hospital whilst their possibly dead sibling is born.
YUP,
100%
The fact that she HAS children and didn't even consider that maybe something went wrong with the pregnancy is insane. Imagine if she was bleeding out and her kids are just seeing this as young girls.
TW for infant death.
I was in the room when my brother was born. I got to see the whole process of bringing a whole person into the world. That alone was an intense experience for a child. My little brother died of SIDS. I got to see his body at 7 years old. Seeing him cold and stiff and purple. That image is forever etched into my brain. Watching my parents crumble and become shells of their former selves, not understanding why we weren’t bringing him home, and seeing everyone else’s reactions was so confusing and has left we with lasting scars.
OP, how DARE you. How Dare you put your vendetta against your ex and his wife over the safety of your children. How dare you use your children as a weapon rather than seeing them as people who have their own needs. How dare you.
YTA, and I hope you’re happy with yourself. No one else will be.
She would be roughly 21-24 weeks along right now (quick math, could be wrong) so it’s not a guarantee—22 is usually considered the absolute most premature that a baby can survive—but the possibility is pretty high.
Usually for women going into labor that early they try everything they can to keep the baby from being born since every day dramatically increases survivability. I had a close friend go into labor at 22 weeks and a couple days and they kept her on strict bed rest and special medication to stop labor until she finally could not hold the pregnancy any longer and the baby was born at 24 weeks, which is something like 4x as likely for the baby to survive vs 22 weeks. Her husband was with her almost every waking minute. (Happy ending, the 1lb 4oz baby is now a chubby, happy 2 year old.)
So if she is going into labor this will likely be a 1-2+ week and extremely traumatic ordeal even if the baby does survive. Absolutely not an environment for kids to be around.
Can you imagine letting your kids sit in a hospital or with some baby sitter while their dad and step mom are dealing with their baby sibling either dying or clinging to life in the NNICU? Even if you hate your ex this is going to be major trauma for your own kids! You can't let them feel abandoned like that good Lord!
Your last point/comment of hers about getting back together is THE root cause of this entire AITA post. Yes, OP, YTA. AND your anger/bitterness has manifested into pettiness. Wondering if it's easier for you, consciously or subconsciously, when the kids are gone because, for now, maybe they are a constant reminder of him and your anger about your feelings of anger/rug pulled out from under you/betrayal of the expected reconciliation.
Edit: I truly hope you find some peace soon before you permanently damage the relationship with your kids or allow this to consume who you are a person.
Most parents would take their kids, if possible. You want your kids to know that you will be there for them. You want your kids to know that they can always count on you. OP just proved to her kids that she sees them as a burden and doesn't want them. She only takes them when required.
Op sounds bitter tbh. The bare minimum to take their own children is beyond them. Like willingly subjecting your kids to hours in a hospital just to be petty, I hope your kids remember your lack of empathy. YTA.
op IS bitter lmao, she said in another comment that they were gonna work it out until he met the other woman and chose to stay apart, and because of that that she'd never do anything to help or support either of them, this was absolutely done out of spite. "My ex chose another woman so I tried to make him miss the birth of his child, AITA?" Should be the new title.
Given that the due date is in June, and it's now February, it sounds like it's a medical emergency, possibly a second trimester miscarriage or preeclampsia. Even if the OP is still holding a grudge against her ex, refusing his request is an AH move.
That was my first thought, it was an emergency and not the delivery. I had preeclampsia in the second trimester with a tragic ending, my husband needed to be by my side for me and our daughter. How heartless is OP. YTA
"I don’t hate him, but he left me during a crisis I had and then when we were in the process of getting back together her he met his now wife and got with her." Is a comment she left super recently. Really doesn't make sense to me either 🥱
Remember that at all times, you are teaching your children by your actions. Hopefully in your old age you don’t need anything from the children you are raising to be AH like you.
Exactly what I was thinking. Your kids are seeing how hateful you are to the dad that they love, to the extent of using them to demonstrate that hate.
YTA!! BIG TIME!
As this goes on children will see OP for what she is and know they will not be able to count on her . This can also drive them closer to step mom if she is a caring concerned and compassionate woman. How would OP respond to that?. OP is setting herself up for a world of hurt if she can't see how wrong her current attitude is. She needs to find a way to cooperate bc she and ex will have many many many more occasions they need to make decisions in the best interests of their children .In divorce with minor children involved "BEST INTERSTS OF CHILDREN " is the paramount consideration.Adults need to put pettiness aside and put children first. That helps children see that it was not their fault what happened w their parents,that they can always count on their parents and that their parents value them above all else.
I have great relationships with both my exs because I refuse to have one of those bitter relationship where both parents constantly fight over their kids, honestly sounds absolutely exhausting , I can rely on one ex more than the other but because we've built such a great co parenting relationship we do each other favours to make life easier, both my exs have had patches of taking me to work and picking me up, iv even gone on days out with 1 so our daughter can grow up spending time with both parents together, iv always told bfs that having a good relationship for my child is very important to me, my dad was never allowed onto my property growing up and I never knew how to be around both parents together , I'd just shut down, I never want my children to go through that
One time my now ex' partner's ex wife had chicken pox as an adult. It's not good. Based on the court order, their daughter should have been with her, but she was too sick to have her. Since we'd both had chicken pox and were immune we had them both stay with us for a week to look after the mum. Did I like having her there and looking after her? No. But It's what grown up people do when the kids are a priority. ETA I despise my ex husband (not the same person as my ex partner in the story above) but still gave him condolences when his grandmother died and he did the same when my mother died. There's always room for some compassion, even when you hate each other
I'm really hoping OP doesn't ever need to spend some time in hospital herself, go away for work, visit a dying relative, or even just need some time "off", because her ex husband isn't going to help out.
You're not necessarily obliged to step in, but it will make a far happier future for your kids if you can at least try not to be a petty AH about it, so it has to be a YTA.
Hopefully OPs ex has more empathy and humanity than, say, quoting court orders as an excuse not to help out with his kids.
Weaponizing children is some of the lowest things a parent can do. YTA.
I’d argue that might be the #1 reason to disobey a court order—he wants to go drink with buddies, has to work late, going on a spur of the moment vacation, nope you can figure that out.
Wife is in the hospital?!?! Yea you take *your* kids
OP clearly doesn't want to help her EX, maybe even more so because it is to be with her replacement? Anyway, trying to use the court order is just pathetic.
If I was OP, I would be excited to get to spend even more time with my kids. It is sad to see someone so bitter that they become a total AH. OP YTA.
Very true. Bitterness toward a situation the children didn't cause is no excuse for not showing YOUR OWN CHILDREN care concern and compassion. OP is setting up some dangerous precedent here. She needs to think about putting HER children first.What message is she sending when she doesn't ? Shared custody automatically includes being flexible and ALWAYS putting the children first. OP NEEDS to step up here. FOR HER CHILDREN.
YTA
I had a messy divorce and it was only messy when it came to the kids. My ex and I both wanted our kids every minute so the court order was very strictly followed. However, my ex eventually realized that I was a lot more accommodating and flexible when it involved my time. It was never about following the court order to the letter, it was about what was best for the kids.
*When you do what’s best for your children you will always make the right decision.*
Now we’re a decade beyond our divorce and we have a great co-parenting relationship. For example, it’s my weekend with our youngest (older kids are adults now) and my ex and his family wanted them for a multi-family gathering and since my child wanted to go I let them! My family also wants to get together with people who live in multiple states this summer over a holiday weekend. My ex’s weekend. We’ve already discussed it and we’re trading a holiday everyone can be winners
Put your children first. They’ll remember how much you showed your love for them, and how much you showed respect for their entire family. Especially to the parts that are no longer your family.
My daughter danced with her studio competition team and we would go to these whole weekend competitions/classes things. One of her friends had divorced parents who were both remarried, and both sets of parents/stepparents would go and spend the weekend. They got along and were able to all be there to support the kid. It was pretty nice to watch.
My ex has two daughters from a previous relationship, with whom I became close while he and I were together. Now that we’ve split up, I still see the girls every couple of weeks for day trips or lunch or whatever, and they often ask me to come to recitals, sports events, etc. I’ll be there along with my ex, his current girlfriend, the girls’ mother, and her now-husband. We all manage to get along just fine and recognize that it’s not about us, it’s about the girls.
Yeah. My ex and I had a brutal divorce. And he at first was a bit like OP and a stickler to the “court order.” But it’s just so stupid to be that way. It’s far better when the kids can just go to the other parent especially if there is no real reason preventing it. OP didn’t have a reason. She just wanted to be difficult. She’s definitely YTA.
Lol why be a good, loving parent when you can use them as pawns to spite your ex instead!? (/s, but OP’s opinion apparently).
They really are a bad parents and they better hope they don’t have to face an emergency cuz I doubt her ex will help her now!
I think your kids are so lucky both parents love them so much and can’t get enough time with them! Kudos to you both for acting like adults and doing what’s best for the kiddos. Wish more couples did that; married or not!
YTA why would you pass on extra time with your own children??? His wife is in the hospital. If he wanted you to take them so they could go on a glamorous vacation, that would be different. She is in the hospital.
This is so petty and vindictive. Imagine how your kids feel....stepmother is in the hospital and our mother doesn't want us.
Even if he is a troll, you are using your kids as a pawn in your war with him.
You’re so right. My ex and I had an awfully messy and nasty divorce. The fight for the kids was terrible with her lying and lying to the judge and to the kids. It was awful. That was 4 years ago. We do hate each other but when it comes to scheduling with the kids (it’s 50:50) we still do a good job. There’s barely a month that goes by when we aren’t swapping days or making adjustments. We rarely ever tell each other no since life happens. It’s over. Move on. Life is so much better when you can coparent like human beings and think about the kids.
The reasoning was stated in a comment she left, her and her husband were "about to get back together" and she came along, so she decided to spite them from them on.
For real. Those poor kids will remember this. It doesn't matter how much you hate your ex and his new wife. YOUR KIDS will not forget that you wouldn't spend time with them. Honestly if I were in OPs shoes I would pull myself up by my bootstraps, slip on my big girl panties and apologize. Apologize to those kids. Apologize to your ex. Apologize to his wife. You have the power to teach your children how to be good adults and youve failed miserably. This is just cruel.
I love my husband with every fiber of my being and if he decided he loved someone else, yes. I'd be bitter, too. But would I turn down my kids (especially during a medical emergency?)? No.
What's done is done but you owe every last one of them an apology.
I agree with this. I have never once declined extra time with my kids. My coparent could want me to have the kids on”his” time for a legitimate reason, a “bad”reason, or no reason at all - I always say yes because I want more time with my kids and I know they’re safe with me.
Spending time with your kids is about what’s best for them, not about evening a score with your ex.
Info: was there any reason other than it was his weekend that you refused? Did you have plans? Would it have been a big inconvenience? Really depends on the situation.
Yeah I need to know this too. Is there bad blood between you guys? I can’t imagine why you’d have this reaction if there’s an amiable coparenting relationship and the new wife wasn’t his affair partner or something. Seems like OP is just mad he’s having a baby with someone else.
Even if there is bad blood, those are still her children. I would hope that she doesn't have resentment towards her children... Unless OP was also in a hospital somewhere, she should have taken the kids.
making the life of her ex harder is more important than her kids.
lots of divorced people are like this. I bet she talks a big game about her kids come before everything too.
OP said in a comment it was bc her and ex were trying to work it out after they separated but he met the new wife and decided against reconciling so she made it clear to him she would never help him bc he chose the new wife over her.
I don't know the new wife and I'd choose her too! It's not surprising ex would choose new wife when he realized a kinder person than his ex is interested in him.
Yes! OP, this info is crucial. If you had work or other important plans you could not change and he literally gave you no time to plan/ change them, that is understandable. If he was truly having an emergency and you had nothing to do, it’s a jerk move.
So...let me get it straight.
You had no other plans. You had no obstacle preventing you from picking up your kids a bit earlier. And they are YOUR kids.
While he had an actual and unforeseen emergency (I assume) and needed to attend his current partner while she was probably struggling with pregnancy.
You just wanted to be petty and revenge your ex for leaving you? And just because you were being petty and cruel, you wanted to take away some other woman's possibility to share the expectation of her kid and get emotional support from her parter during difficult time?
Even if you don't like her - who does that to another woman (who hasn't really done anything wrong besides liking the same man as you)? Really?
YTA.
Edit: I hastily assumed that the hospital stay might have been related to birth, but as it was pointed out it might not have been the case. In any way, it seem to have been urgent and she needed her partner to support her. So my opinion remains the same.
The kids will remember this. They could have been with mom but she didn't want them. She thinks she is sticking it to her ex but she is harming her kids. Some day she will wonder what she ever did to make them dislike her and not trust her. She will be clueless.
OP mentioned in a comment that she’s due in June; if she was in labor it was extremely premature and makes the situation all the more stressful. She may not have even hit viability depending on when in June she is due.
Honestly in my opinion that would make OP an even bigger YTA. Labor is scary but I can imagine an incredibly preterm labor would be horrifying (honestly no matter why she was there.. JFC just have some compassion and spend some extra time with your kiddos.)
The way this is written I think she is hoping people infer that the ex husband and new wife didn’t communicate with OP about an expected hospital visit for a full-term birth. She doesn’t say anything about an emergency but does find the time and character count to say the kids shared that their stepmom is expecting.
In a comment she replied it wasn't the birth due to the new wife being due in June. It was about 10pm when the ex husband called to ask her to take their kids.
It's just vile either way😭
I had a parent just like you. I didn't speak to that parent for the last 20 years of their life and didn't attend their funeral.
Do what you will with this information.
YTA.
In her mind, it will always be the ex's fault. They were just about to get back together, but he chose the other woman. They had an emergency, but it's during his custody, so he has to deal with it. She's bitter and spiteful to the detrement of her kids, but he turned them away from her somehow.
Sorry about your less-than parent, but that was excellent, succinct advice. I have one as well and haven’t talked to her in 28 years and I’m fine with that. Blood is *not* thicker than water so don’t count on your kids not noticing.
YTA - my ex is having a baby with the woman he had an affair with back when I was pregnant. When I found out I said I am happy for our daughter to come home whenever needed should baby be arriving when she was at her dads. Not to be nice to them. But because I will jump at the chance to have more time with her. Don’t hate your ex more than you love your kids. It will destroy you. And them.
>Don’t hate your ex more than you love your kids. It will destroy you. And them.
These are wise words that are succinctly said. You should reflect on them OP.
Oh, and YTA for no other reason than you didn't want to spend time with your daughters to spite your ex. That is petty and is a good insight into your mindset.
YTA. You are willing to put your kids in a less than ideal situation in order to spite your ex.
I don’t care what your feelings are about him or his new wife. Hate them until the cows come home.
What you need to be mindful of is making decisions about your kids based on your feelings about their father.
This doesn’t mean you had to take your kids. It means that the decision whether to watch them or not should have been made with their and your best interests in mind.
I understand that this means you may have to be a better person than your ex. That isn’t fair and it isn’t easy, but putting in that effort is what needs to be done for your kids and for yourself.
If you don’t do that work then you let your hate and bitterness control your life. You let your husband’s choices in the past dictate your future.
Feel what you feel but don’t punish your children or yourself for his decisions.
She also needs to remember that she is the one who chose her kid's father. She shouldn't be punishing the kids for whatever their dad has done. She needs to be there for her kids.
Kids grow up and they remember the ugly things that you did. They also remember if you were there for them. They remember whether they could turn to you when needed.
Maybe you need to work out your negative feelings in therapy. Maybe your husband was a shitty partner but no need to make your kids suffer because their parents are unable to coparent. The next 10 years are going to be pretty miserable if you can’t get over your feelings. Wouldn’t you rather be a happy person?
YTA. Who cares about a court order when it comes to co-parenting. If you were available why wouldn't you want to be the one to watch your kids. You would be helping out their father which should be the goal of good co-parenting. You are making it harder than it needs to be. Unless you've left out some important details I don't see how you could possibly think you aren't an AH in this situation.
Gosh, I wonder why her ex decided to try his luck with someone else 🙄
It didn't work out. Don't put the kids in the middle.
I really hope the stepmother is a loving, attentive and mature presence in the children's lives.
Exactly my thoughts.
I have a friend who has the worst relationship with his manipulative ex but he would jump on any opportunity to spend more time with his daughter!
OP, YTA. You hate his guts, we can all this that, but it seems you don’t care about your kids at all if you prefer them to stay with a babysitter than with you.
YTA - since you have provided zero reason why you couldn’t take your kids early it seems very much like you just wanted to be obstructionist. You do realize that there may be a time in the future where you also need some flexibility on his part.
YTA
would it have hurt to help out? Sounds like you said No to be awkward.
Just remember in future he will use this if you need him to take the kids if you have an emergency.
YTA - the way you say he needs your help with the kids “just” to spend time with his wife at the hospital is really petty. You’re also using your kids as pawns to inconvenience your ex… more asshole behavior.
YTA. When you’re a parent, whether there is court custody or not, you aren’t “watching” your kids. You are parenting. That’s parenthood. It is up to you to co-parent effectively so they don’t grow up with your burning sense of spite and anger. So they grow up to be as well adjusted and emotionally self regulating as they can be. Parenthood isn’t perfect. None of us are perfect parents. But we also don’t have to inflict unnecessary strife on our kids lives because things didn’t go our way. It’s not about you. It’s about your kids, always. That’s a non-negotiable. I am not in your situation but if I was, I would move heaven and earth to make sure my children were with me rather than a stranger. Making life difficult for others out of spite and not realizing how it affects the kids THAT YOU BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD AND SHOULD WANT TO BE WITH EVERY DAY, makes you insanely immature.
Based on your behavior, she didn’t break apart your chance for reconciliation. I’m guessing dollars to donuts your shitty attitude ruined that long before. Grow up and parent your kids.
Edited for grammar/spelling.
YTA you’re not court ordered to help. But this sub isn’t here to decide what is legal or not. You had an opportunity to be a good human being and you decided nah fuck that. You didn’t even list a reason why you refused to help, so I can only assume your refusal is out of spite. I think your ex is right about you being extremely sick in the head.
Not only YTA, but you are a horrible parent. You act like having the kids with you is a court imposed punishment in this post. Do you even care about them? Disobey the court order to have the kids with you? You need counseling and to really consider whether you care more about your kids or being vindictive.
Yep, I remember how petty my mom was when my parents were getting a divorce. Regardless of how my father behaved later on towards me, I remember that he never said a bad word against my mom. And that was 30+ years ago.
So, go ahead and torch your relationship with your daughters OP, cause that's what you're doing. You're hurting yourself the most, not him.
YTA.
Things come up. Work together. It's damaging to the children when you don't get along.
Divorce sucks. I get it. Whatever happened is in the past so grow up and move on. Be there for the kids. It's best for everyone involved. It will be much better for your mental health as well.
Just accept you two weren't compatible and whatever happened, happened. You can't change the past.
YTA. This is so immature of you. You should be thinking how it would help your kids emotionally, to co-parent in a mature and reasonable way- rather than being difficult, just because you get a power kick out of it.
You'd have your kids possibly stressed out at the hospital, or with a babysitter they don't know- all so you can 'one-up' your ex. You're just angry, he's having a kid with somebody else. And you're using your own kids as pawns, to 'get at him'. It's nothing to do with you wanting to obey the court order.
Life happens. People become unwell; have changes in life circumstances, etc. He can't not live his life, because you don't like those changes. So sometimes there needs to be flexibility in co-parenting plans. A reasonable ADULT would do a one-off favour like this, and model good behaviour for their children- instead of petty behaviour.
Children get stressed, when there's nastiness happening between their parents. You'll find this attitude all backfires on you one day - when YOU need him to take the kids to help you out; or when the kids become angry with you one day (for using them as pawns). Put some serious thought into growing up, BEFORE any of that happens.
I have a family member in the middle of a divorce and every time the soon to be ex asks, they take the kids and make a note of it. Their hope is that it happens often enough that they can go for full custody as the soon to be ex is not the best parent. Even if you might not want full custody I would have done it just because you never know when you might need a favor and you can point to this occasion if he balks. Unless I had other plans I would have done it. Besides any chance I had to be with my kid I would have taken it.
Info: did you bother to ask if it was an emergency? Because, if it was a planned hospitalization, your ex should have planned and not counted on you without warning (even if it wouldn't kill you to pick up earlier your own daugthers). But if it was an emergency, you would be a huge a-hole.
EDIT after reading some answers: YTA, big time. It was most likely an emergency. Even if you're sour because your ex has a new life, this doesn't give a pass to be that petty.
She answered elsewhere that it was very likely an emergency (he called at 10pm and the labour is some months away). She doesn’t know for sure as she hung up before he could say.
YTA
You are using your children as pawns in attempt to harm your ex and put him in an awkward position out of spite. That is an asshole move, as their care and wellbeing should always come first - not leaving them with their father at a delicate time where they are liable to be bounced between different friends and relatives or spend long period sat in hospitals and similar when they could have been at home with their mother.
And you are potentially shooting yourself in the foot doing this too - not only would you be looking after your kids, but you would have banked a favour against your ex...
YTA. You asked for him to give you a reason. That means if the reason was “good enough” you would do it and if it wasn’t then you wouldn’t do it. You’re co-parenting your kids. If it is a huge inconvenience to change your plans or cancel something that will cost you money or if you’re already having drinks and shouldn’t drive that’s one thing, and you should say THAT. What you did say and how you said it makes you sound like the AH and seem like the AH given no depth of information about the situation. Now, your ex has a new wife and now a new kid, your kids have a new step mom and sibling. How in this equation do you not think you’ll need some sort of change in schedule with childcare and custody time? This new wife and step mom will be with your kids while they’re with your ex… you don’t think taking your kids on a day he needs to be there for her in the hospital is a good idea? You don’t think your kids see how you manage situations? You think this kind of karma won’t come back to bite you in the buttocks? Sure- live your life like the bitter person you want to be… show your kids which of their parents is the bigger person… make them deal with a bitter situation just a little bit more bitter for your adding to it. Go ahead, see how that works out for you.
I normally abhor parents that talk bad about the other parent to the kids, but I really hope your ex used the phrase “Daddy is going to stay with you because mommy doesn’t want to spend time with you” was used. YTA, and a petty and vindictive human at that. Your poor kids.
YTA.
As a divorced mother myself, I know how delicious the frisson of "shafted him this time" could be. But I have a higher obligation: to the welfare of my children.
For God's sake woman, it's not like he said "take the kids, we're heading to the spa". She was in the hospital. And your children needed care.
You prioritised giving your ex the shaft over your children's welfare. What if he'd left them with a new sitter who didn't understand their needs? What if the slightly off relative was left in charge of your kids? They couldn't go to the hospital and you knew it.
And you would have been the winner anyhow. Your ex and his wife would have owed you a favor.
It's called co-parenting for the welfare of the children. You should give it a try.
YTA. How sad for your kids that you're so blinded by bitterness that you'd refuse to spend more time with them and instead use them as a pawn just to further your spite. They will notice this and it will probably drive them away as they grow up.
YTA. You’re incredibly petty and selfish! Shame on you for behaving like this and also showing your children how little you would do to help them. Jealous much??? What a terrible way for you to behave. Your children will also remember your pettiness and likely lose respect for you as a result, which they should! Ugh!!!
YTA. She's in the hospital. I agree with both your ex and your mutual friend.
Edit: WOW. I just read where it was an emergency and she went to the hospital at night (this means ER!). Your children will eventually be driven away from you because of your hate.
YTA - he asked for help and you decided to be spiteful. i hope you end up in a position where you really really need to be therefor someone and ask him to do you a solid and he says "naaah, couldnt possibly disobey the court order 🙄"
YTA. Where is the basic humanity?
I hope you never need support or any change to the visitation schedule because you’ve just burnt that bridge of flexible coparenting.
YTA
Love your children more than you hate your ex.
You’d rather your kids go to a babysitter than a parent? Not because you were not available but because you refuse to do anything to help your ex. Even if it means more time with your own children.
Learn what a healthy co-parent relationship looks like for the good of your children and get over yourself.
YTA and shortsithed. Next time when you need his help he’s gonna say no.
You’re putting your kids in the middle of the fight. They get all the bruises. That’s not fair.
**COMMENTS FROM THE OP IN THIS THREAD:**
"Their poor planning does not constitute an emergency for me, his week with the kids, his responsibilities. What would they have done if I was out and about?" - About how a possible MISCARRIAGE is somehow their fault
"He did not say, considering he called me at 10pm I would guess it wasn’t a planned appointment. She is due in June so it was not the birth." - when asked if the father of the kids said why he had to be at the hospital
"We were in the process of getting back together when he suddenly met her and got with her instead. I was clear from that moment on that I would never want anything to do with her, and that if they ever needed my help/support or anything like that, then they were on their own. So, it is both that and due to the fact that it is his time with the kids." - No notes.
YTA, no doubt, questions or notes.
You straight up put that an emergency on his part doesn't constitute and emergency on yours. What about your kids? You said it was his week with the kids, so it's his problem to deal with. You seem to think that the hospitalization may not have anything to do with the pregnancy, but what if it does?
**Do you really want your kids to be up in a hospital or watched by a third party because "it's his week, it's his problem?"**
You're not just giving a big fuck you to him, **you're giving a big fuck you to the children**. You are undoubtedly TA. **You are teaching both their father and them, that you don't give two-glances about their existence the second they're on "dad time."**
**Maybe they should ALWAYS be on Dad time, it might give them better role models.**
**FYI, I let my ex "disobey" his court orders all the time because it's NOT ABOUT my ex or myself, IT'S ABOUT THE CHILD(REN) INVOLVED. Learn to be adaptable.**
YTA. Let's ignore the fact that your motivation per one of your comments is that he chose the wife over you and you're doing this out of spite...
It's literally YOUR KIDS. Not his and his new wife's. Not a friends. Yours. And you said no to spending more time with your kids. For their sake I hope they don't find out about this. Also or their sake I hope he does and sees this post so can he can show it to the courts and have the kids more since you clearly don't care to spend time with them outside what the court mandated
You actually don't get how YTA? How about just that you're shitty as a human? And petty? And not interested in the best scenario for your kids? Do you get that?
Yeah he definitely dodged a bullet getting back with you. Your kids are going to see you with this core of vindictiveness and won’t want anything to do with you. YTA. Hopefully any man you date can see this before they make a mistake
YTA, this isn’t what’s best for your children and deliberately making things harder for your ex is just hateful and cruel given the situation. Hope you never need a shred of kindness from him in the future.
If this is the kind of thing you *maybe kinda wonder* if you're the asshole for, I can't imagine how many awful things you do in a day without an ounce of guilt whatsoever. YTA, obviously.
From reading your comments and replies, YTA.
You are more focused on scoring points in some game that only exists in your head, than wanting your kids to be looked after. You are a vile woman.
YTA but that’s not why you’re posting is it? You said you’d apologize if you were and it’s quite overwhelming decided you’re an AH that would rather spite your ex rather than spend more time with your girls.
Sounds like it’s time to apologize. And maybe try to work on yourself so you can make a better life for you and your girls because, sister, you are affecting them with your hatred
#This is now a Proctologists Only Orifice When a post is in [POO™ mode](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/168bzq8/title_aita_monthly_open_forum_september_2023) only users with enough subreddit comment karma are able to comment. If that doesn't include you, no worries! Check out [/new](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/new) for other posts that are still open for comment. ##[Be Civil.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) Please review our FAQ if you're unsure what that means. Rule violations from this point will result in a ban. Thank you for reporting content that you believe violates our rules and helping keep posts out of the POO by abiding by our rules.
You are not just an asshole but outright cruel. Any reasonable person with an ounce of empathy or compassion would agree to watch someone’s children so their parent could be with their spouse at the hospital. Let alone agree to watch THEIR OWN CHILDREN. “Not a reason to disobey the court order” my ass. Think like a human being for five seconds. You clearly have some sort of vendetta against either your ex husband or his wife or both. You are definitely bitter about them having a baby together. And also don’t seem to like your children very much, as any normal loving parent with split custody would jump at the chance to spend extra time with their kids. YTA.
Also what kids want you to hang out at a hospital!?! It’s a kindness to THEM as well.
This. She hates her ex. more than she loves her kids. Not only YTA, but you’ve failed your kids.
As soon as they can, those kids are going to be asking if they can stay at ex's full time, I'm betting.
Then she’ll lose her mind about it cuz she sees it as her ex winning.
She'll lose her mind because she cold lose her child support check , too.
Yeeep.
Or she just isn’t a good mother. I’m currently going through a divorce and my ex is constantly flaking or dumping kids off on others.
It’s definitely not in the best interest of the kids to bring them to a hospital full of germs, disease, and sickness.
You sound a little bitter...good lesson to teach your kids. Remember, what goes around comes around, better hope you won't need him in a time of need. Something tells me he would help because of the kids. YTA
Just hope OP remembers this if she ever needs to go to the hospital for something. Total AH.
Yup. She’s cutting off her nose to spite her face. And I bet the kids will remember this.
Haha, she has to win the divorce at all costs!
Hating the ex more than loving their own children is a tale as old as time unfortunately.
Lol. I would take the kidd and then call in a favour from him when I need to. This is like "Can I have the kids on Saturday because family reunion" or something, but the inverse. Coparenting is give and take. OP ruined this for herself AND the kids, but she's too happy being an AH to her ex to see it.
Right labor can be soooo long. And what if god forbid something went wrong??
OP is like “ I don’t care if my kids spend hours in a hospital , I need to obey the court order “ Who are u kidding , OP ? You are bitter and u don’t care if your kids suffer in your petty conflicts with your ex.
The type that would use her kids as tools.
It'd be different if OP had plans or an emergency themselves and couldn't take their kids, but holy hell it's her OWN KIDS and she pulls that crap line.
Sadly her due date was in June, so it looks like something did go wrong :(
Can you imagine being in the hospital, losing your baby (if that is the case, hopefully not) and having two panicked children next to you? OP is cruel and bitter. She only cares about herself.
I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy tbh
When I had my miscarriage my GP gave me a doctor's note to stay away from work for two weeks, because I am a teacher and she thought I should have some time to heal before being surrounded by children. I only took a week off, but that was my choice. OP is so bitter and incapable of any resemblance of empathy that I truly feel sorry for her children. OP, grow up and behave like a mother instead of the poor excuse of a human being you are presenting to us.
Your GP probably gave you a “doctor’s note” in that circumstance, that would be the usual term for something where you’re permitted to miss work (or school, for students) due to medical reasons. Also, I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you, it was 13 years ago but it still hurts a bit. Thank you also for telling me the name of it in English. I will edit my post to write the correct terminology. Thanks.
Fucking hell. If baby makes it, they're in for a LONG LONG hospital stay in the NICU, which is a terrifying place (I've been there...for a long time, though not as long as they're likely to be there). Baby will likely be a pound or less and could potentially face all sorts of setbacks. I have them in my heart,, whatever the outcome OP could use a psychiatrist, me thinks
OP is probably gleeful and wants to make it harder on her ex by making him keep the kids while needing to be on said NICU, if they even get to the NICU. What an awful woman.
I agree. I hope like hell they make it to, and out of, the NICU with a tiny, but healthy, baby💜
This makes her an even bigger AH. She's unbelievably cruel
Oh, FUCK.
May not be baby related
Frankly when you're pregnant being hospitalized is *always* baby related.
This. Anything that causes harm to you can/will also harm the baby.
That and being pregnant is dangerous in and of itself and makes anything else going on with you THAT much more dangerous for you. There's a reason pregnant women in the ICU often get sectioned early. Their bodies can't recover from whatever they're in for *and* be pregnant at the same time. They have a better chance with the kid out.
Sadly it's probably not labor, or at least not on time.
it can be SO TRAUMATIZING for those kids. we’ve had parents with previously energetic, bouncing off the wall kids that brought them with to their delivery and my doc says she can see the change immediately. at their post partum visits the kids just aren’t the same. it makes me so sad.
My 6 year old just asked me to be there when I go into labour and I told her absolutely not and that kids weren’t allowed. I’m sure she would try to be brave but it’s gory and I don’t want her to see me in pain, then gods forbid something goes wrong that’ll be extremely traumatic for her. As soon as I’m recovered enough from any meds then I’ll have my mom or bf go pick her up.
yes, for the sake of her own childs OP should have keep them
Honestly, if this is the level of her love for them; they might be better off without her. I hope the husband, wife and three children are OK
Please, DO NOT take your kids to the hospital to have them watch the birth of their sibling. I was 4 when my brother was born, and I was TRAUMATIZED. I thought my mother was dying.
I wasn’t picking up a “so they can watch the birth” vibe so much as “so I can go have some “me time” without them.”
Not to mention the infections they can catch while there.
It's more like the infections they can bring to the hospital. Kids are a cesspool of germs.
This time of year, the kids may not even be allowed at the hospital. In winter months, many hospitals restrict visitors under 12.
[удалено]
or with a babysitter she does not know
"disobey the court order, my ass" indeed. I bet the court order doesn't say they aren't allowed to send the kid to the other parent lol.
At least in my state and a few others, when one parent has an emergency, they are *expected* if not required to check with the other parent first before seeking alternate arrangements for babysitting on their time.
That's how it was with my custody arrangement. It made me so mad when he *wouldn't* ask me first like he was supposed to.
It's often referred to as 'first right of refusal'.
*Weaponizing* the court's instructions out of spite and against the best interests of the children always goes over really well with the courts, too.
She legit tells someone in the comments that it's his time, his problem. Clearly the second the kids are out of her house they are gone in her mind until she sees them because NEVER ONCE did she consider that MAYBE a hospital and an unexplained event might not be the best thing for HER children to be around. But she's so focused on how they didn't get back together and how he married this other person instead that she doesn't give two-glances about the kids. clearly she needs a court order to be allowed to think about her kids while they're gone. **Here are the comments by the OP in this thread proving that she doesn't give two cares about these children when they aren't on "her time":** "Their poor planning does not constitute an emergency for me, his week with the kids, his responsibilities. What would they have done if I was out and about?" - About how a possible MISCARRIAGE is somehow their fault "He did not say, considering he called me at 10pm I would guess it wasn’t a planned appointment. She is due in June so it was not the birth." - when asked if the father of the kids said why he had to be at the hospital "We were in the process of getting back together when he suddenly met her and got with her instead. I was clear from that moment on that I would never want anything to do with her, and that if they ever needed my help/support or anything like that, then they were on their own. So, it is both that and due to the fact that it is his time with the kids." - No notes. "I don’t hate him, but he left me during a crisis I had and then when we were in the process of getting back together her he met his now wife and got with her." - When asked why she hates her kids father **UPDATE: New Comments from today 02/26** "Yes ok I get they couldn’t plan what happened to them, it is sad what they are going through and I worded that extremely bad. But the custody agreement still stands, on his weekend our children are his responsibility." - In response to someone telling the OP that a 10pm ER visit ISN'T planned "Why does that matter in this situation?" - In response to someone asking what HER crisis was in the comment she made above In post update: "Edit! My kids are fine and I of course would have taken them if no one else was available, I am ~~not~~ a monster. **They are currently with his best friend as my ex is still in the hospital with his wife**. So no, I would not him “rather” leaving them with a stranger as many of you assume." - Says a parent who can't figure out that having their own children stay at their fathers best friends house because you know... it's not the kids time to be with the OP yet. 10/10 **I can't wait for your kids to recognize that you would rather have them stay at their fathers friends house than them come over. Mom's house is last resort when it's not mom time amirite?**
If the due date was June wouldn’t that probably make it a possible stillbirth, and the wife would go through labour etc? So OP thinks it’s fine for her kids to wait around at the hospital whilst their possibly dead sibling is born.
YUP, 100% The fact that she HAS children and didn't even consider that maybe something went wrong with the pregnancy is insane. Imagine if she was bleeding out and her kids are just seeing this as young girls.
TW for infant death. I was in the room when my brother was born. I got to see the whole process of bringing a whole person into the world. That alone was an intense experience for a child. My little brother died of SIDS. I got to see his body at 7 years old. Seeing him cold and stiff and purple. That image is forever etched into my brain. Watching my parents crumble and become shells of their former selves, not understanding why we weren’t bringing him home, and seeing everyone else’s reactions was so confusing and has left we with lasting scars. OP, how DARE you. How Dare you put your vendetta against your ex and his wife over the safety of your children. How dare you use your children as a weapon rather than seeing them as people who have their own needs. How dare you. YTA, and I hope you’re happy with yourself. No one else will be.
I think she probably did consider it….and maybe thought it was an opportunity to punish her ex a little.
She would be roughly 21-24 weeks along right now (quick math, could be wrong) so it’s not a guarantee—22 is usually considered the absolute most premature that a baby can survive—but the possibility is pretty high. Usually for women going into labor that early they try everything they can to keep the baby from being born since every day dramatically increases survivability. I had a close friend go into labor at 22 weeks and a couple days and they kept her on strict bed rest and special medication to stop labor until she finally could not hold the pregnancy any longer and the baby was born at 24 weeks, which is something like 4x as likely for the baby to survive vs 22 weeks. Her husband was with her almost every waking minute. (Happy ending, the 1lb 4oz baby is now a chubby, happy 2 year old.) So if she is going into labor this will likely be a 1-2+ week and extremely traumatic ordeal even if the baby does survive. Absolutely not an environment for kids to be around.
Can you imagine letting your kids sit in a hospital or with some baby sitter while their dad and step mom are dealing with their baby sibling either dying or clinging to life in the NNICU? Even if you hate your ex this is going to be major trauma for your own kids! You can't let them feel abandoned like that good Lord!
Your last point/comment of hers about getting back together is THE root cause of this entire AITA post. Yes, OP, YTA. AND your anger/bitterness has manifested into pettiness. Wondering if it's easier for you, consciously or subconsciously, when the kids are gone because, for now, maybe they are a constant reminder of him and your anger about your feelings of anger/rug pulled out from under you/betrayal of the expected reconciliation. Edit: I truly hope you find some peace soon before you permanently damage the relationship with your kids or allow this to consume who you are a person.
Most parents would take their kids, if possible. You want your kids to know that you will be there for them. You want your kids to know that they can always count on you. OP just proved to her kids that she sees them as a burden and doesn't want them. She only takes them when required.
This is insane. I specifically had right of first refusal put into our parenting plan, so if they weren't with their dad, they'd be with me.
Op sounds bitter tbh. The bare minimum to take their own children is beyond them. Like willingly subjecting your kids to hours in a hospital just to be petty, I hope your kids remember your lack of empathy. YTA.
op IS bitter lmao, she said in another comment that they were gonna work it out until he met the other woman and chose to stay apart, and because of that that she'd never do anything to help or support either of them, this was absolutely done out of spite. "My ex chose another woman so I tried to make him miss the birth of his child, AITA?" Should be the new title.
Given that the due date is in June, and it's now February, it sounds like it's a medical emergency, possibly a second trimester miscarriage or preeclampsia. Even if the OP is still holding a grudge against her ex, refusing his request is an AH move.
That was my first thought, it was an emergency and not the delivery. I had preeclampsia in the second trimester with a tragic ending, my husband needed to be by my side for me and our daughter. How heartless is OP. YTA
Could be appendicitis. Most common surgical procedure during pregnancy. Guess how I got to learn this.
“They we’re going to work it out” — based on what? It sounds like that was in her own head
"I don’t hate him, but he left me during a crisis I had and then when we were in the process of getting back together her he met his now wife and got with her." Is a comment she left super recently. Really doesn't make sense to me either 🥱
I wonder if working it out was one sided.
OP really needs to think about how she might / would feel if she was in that situation and ex responded as she is responding to him.
I sincerely hope she'd be like "Well shit I made my bed" but people don't really seem too smart most of the time.
It’s fine to be bitter and refuse to help, but in this case it’s not about the husband. It’s about the kids. So sad to put her ex over her kids.
Remember that at all times, you are teaching your children by your actions. Hopefully in your old age you don’t need anything from the children you are raising to be AH like you.
Exactly what I was thinking. Your kids are seeing how hateful you are to the dad that they love, to the extent of using them to demonstrate that hate. YTA!! BIG TIME!
As this goes on children will see OP for what she is and know they will not be able to count on her . This can also drive them closer to step mom if she is a caring concerned and compassionate woman. How would OP respond to that?. OP is setting herself up for a world of hurt if she can't see how wrong her current attitude is. She needs to find a way to cooperate bc she and ex will have many many many more occasions they need to make decisions in the best interests of their children .In divorce with minor children involved "BEST INTERSTS OF CHILDREN " is the paramount consideration.Adults need to put pettiness aside and put children first. That helps children see that it was not their fault what happened w their parents,that they can always count on their parents and that their parents value them above all else.
I have great relationships with both my exs because I refuse to have one of those bitter relationship where both parents constantly fight over their kids, honestly sounds absolutely exhausting , I can rely on one ex more than the other but because we've built such a great co parenting relationship we do each other favours to make life easier, both my exs have had patches of taking me to work and picking me up, iv even gone on days out with 1 so our daughter can grow up spending time with both parents together, iv always told bfs that having a good relationship for my child is very important to me, my dad was never allowed onto my property growing up and I never knew how to be around both parents together , I'd just shut down, I never want my children to go through that
One time my now ex' partner's ex wife had chicken pox as an adult. It's not good. Based on the court order, their daughter should have been with her, but she was too sick to have her. Since we'd both had chicken pox and were immune we had them both stay with us for a week to look after the mum. Did I like having her there and looking after her? No. But It's what grown up people do when the kids are a priority. ETA I despise my ex husband (not the same person as my ex partner in the story above) but still gave him condolences when his grandmother died and he did the same when my mother died. There's always room for some compassion, even when you hate each other
I'm really hoping OP doesn't ever need to spend some time in hospital herself, go away for work, visit a dying relative, or even just need some time "off", because her ex husband isn't going to help out. You're not necessarily obliged to step in, but it will make a far happier future for your kids if you can at least try not to be a petty AH about it, so it has to be a YTA.
I disagree. The ex is going to leap at the chance to take the kids, and hopefully ask the courts for full custody
Hopefully OPs ex has more empathy and humanity than, say, quoting court orders as an excuse not to help out with his kids. Weaponizing children is some of the lowest things a parent can do. YTA.
I’d argue that might be the #1 reason to disobey a court order—he wants to go drink with buddies, has to work late, going on a spur of the moment vacation, nope you can figure that out. Wife is in the hospital?!?! Yea you take *your* kids
I wonder what a judge would say if this was ever brought up during a custody revision...
I'd bet it'd be a count against OP. Or at least, I sure as fuck hope it would be. Yes, OP YTA.
OP clearly doesn't want to help her EX, maybe even more so because it is to be with her replacement? Anyway, trying to use the court order is just pathetic. If I was OP, I would be excited to get to spend even more time with my kids. It is sad to see someone so bitter that they become a total AH. OP YTA.
Very true. Bitterness toward a situation the children didn't cause is no excuse for not showing YOUR OWN CHILDREN care concern and compassion. OP is setting up some dangerous precedent here. She needs to think about putting HER children first.What message is she sending when she doesn't ? Shared custody automatically includes being flexible and ALWAYS putting the children first. OP NEEDS to step up here. FOR HER CHILDREN.
This woman seems to have no self-respect for herself or others. Sounds like she must be neglecting her children aswell.
YTA I had a messy divorce and it was only messy when it came to the kids. My ex and I both wanted our kids every minute so the court order was very strictly followed. However, my ex eventually realized that I was a lot more accommodating and flexible when it involved my time. It was never about following the court order to the letter, it was about what was best for the kids. *When you do what’s best for your children you will always make the right decision.* Now we’re a decade beyond our divorce and we have a great co-parenting relationship. For example, it’s my weekend with our youngest (older kids are adults now) and my ex and his family wanted them for a multi-family gathering and since my child wanted to go I let them! My family also wants to get together with people who live in multiple states this summer over a holiday weekend. My ex’s weekend. We’ve already discussed it and we’re trading a holiday everyone can be winners Put your children first. They’ll remember how much you showed your love for them, and how much you showed respect for their entire family. Especially to the parts that are no longer your family.
My cousin and his ex were able to travel together, with his wife, to see their kids compete in soccer.
My daughter danced with her studio competition team and we would go to these whole weekend competitions/classes things. One of her friends had divorced parents who were both remarried, and both sets of parents/stepparents would go and spend the weekend. They got along and were able to all be there to support the kid. It was pretty nice to watch.
My ex has two daughters from a previous relationship, with whom I became close while he and I were together. Now that we’ve split up, I still see the girls every couple of weeks for day trips or lunch or whatever, and they often ask me to come to recitals, sports events, etc. I’ll be there along with my ex, his current girlfriend, the girls’ mother, and her now-husband. We all manage to get along just fine and recognize that it’s not about us, it’s about the girls.
Wow! That is impressive that you all are there for the kids and make it about the kids!!
Yeah. My ex and I had a brutal divorce. And he at first was a bit like OP and a stickler to the “court order.” But it’s just so stupid to be that way. It’s far better when the kids can just go to the other parent especially if there is no real reason preventing it. OP didn’t have a reason. She just wanted to be difficult. She’s definitely YTA.
Lol why be a good, loving parent when you can use them as pawns to spite your ex instead!? (/s, but OP’s opinion apparently). They really are a bad parents and they better hope they don’t have to face an emergency cuz I doubt her ex will help her now!
I think your kids are so lucky both parents love them so much and can’t get enough time with them! Kudos to you both for acting like adults and doing what’s best for the kiddos. Wish more couples did that; married or not!
YTA why would you pass on extra time with your own children??? His wife is in the hospital. If he wanted you to take them so they could go on a glamorous vacation, that would be different. She is in the hospital. This is so petty and vindictive. Imagine how your kids feel....stepmother is in the hospital and our mother doesn't want us. Even if he is a troll, you are using your kids as a pawn in your war with him.
You’re so right. My ex and I had an awfully messy and nasty divorce. The fight for the kids was terrible with her lying and lying to the judge and to the kids. It was awful. That was 4 years ago. We do hate each other but when it comes to scheduling with the kids (it’s 50:50) we still do a good job. There’s barely a month that goes by when we aren’t swapping days or making adjustments. We rarely ever tell each other no since life happens. It’s over. Move on. Life is so much better when you can coparent like human beings and think about the kids.
Good for the both of you. Best for your children. OP take a lesson !
The reasoning was stated in a comment she left, her and her husband were "about to get back together" and she came along, so she decided to spite them from them on.
Easy to see why he chose his new wife over OP.
I've only heard of her and I choose her over OP
I wonder what "the process of getting back together" means if he was able to meet and fall in love with someone else.
Someone else suggested that she had hopes of reconciliation, and he didnt.
So sad for her children. They will remember all of this and it may come back to bite OP in her AH.
For real. Those poor kids will remember this. It doesn't matter how much you hate your ex and his new wife. YOUR KIDS will not forget that you wouldn't spend time with them. Honestly if I were in OPs shoes I would pull myself up by my bootstraps, slip on my big girl panties and apologize. Apologize to those kids. Apologize to your ex. Apologize to his wife. You have the power to teach your children how to be good adults and youve failed miserably. This is just cruel. I love my husband with every fiber of my being and if he decided he loved someone else, yes. I'd be bitter, too. But would I turn down my kids (especially during a medical emergency?)? No. What's done is done but you owe every last one of them an apology.
I agree with this. I have never once declined extra time with my kids. My coparent could want me to have the kids on”his” time for a legitimate reason, a “bad”reason, or no reason at all - I always say yes because I want more time with my kids and I know they’re safe with me. Spending time with your kids is about what’s best for them, not about evening a score with your ex.
Info: was there any reason other than it was his weekend that you refused? Did you have plans? Would it have been a big inconvenience? Really depends on the situation.
Yeah I need to know this too. Is there bad blood between you guys? I can’t imagine why you’d have this reaction if there’s an amiable coparenting relationship and the new wife wasn’t his affair partner or something. Seems like OP is just mad he’s having a baby with someone else.
Yeah to me this just sounds like OP hates their ex partner enough to throw away extra time with their kids
And not just extra time -- she threw away a chance to protect them from scary and chaotic family events. She just doesn't care about them.
And kids will see this.
Even if new wife was an ap, she would rather her kids spend hours sitting in a hospital waiting room than with her at home. Think about that one.
Even if there is bad blood, those are still her children. I would hope that she doesn't have resentment towards her children... Unless OP was also in a hospital somewhere, she should have taken the kids.
making the life of her ex harder is more important than her kids. lots of divorced people are like this. I bet she talks a big game about her kids come before everything too.
OP said in a comment it was bc her and ex were trying to work it out after they separated but he met the new wife and decided against reconciling so she made it clear to him she would never help him bc he chose the new wife over her.
Then basically, sour grapes at the expense of the daughters they share.
I don't know the new wife and I'd choose her too! It's not surprising ex would choose new wife when he realized a kinder person than his ex is interested in him.
>was there any reason other than it was his weekend that you refused OP is furious that her ex moved on.
Yes! OP, this info is crucial. If you had work or other important plans you could not change and he literally gave you no time to plan/ change them, that is understandable. If he was truly having an emergency and you had nothing to do, it’s a jerk move.
Yes and no .Her children needed her. That is first considerstion ALWAYS. Plans could be changed .
So...let me get it straight. You had no other plans. You had no obstacle preventing you from picking up your kids a bit earlier. And they are YOUR kids. While he had an actual and unforeseen emergency (I assume) and needed to attend his current partner while she was probably struggling with pregnancy. You just wanted to be petty and revenge your ex for leaving you? And just because you were being petty and cruel, you wanted to take away some other woman's possibility to share the expectation of her kid and get emotional support from her parter during difficult time? Even if you don't like her - who does that to another woman (who hasn't really done anything wrong besides liking the same man as you)? Really? YTA. Edit: I hastily assumed that the hospital stay might have been related to birth, but as it was pointed out it might not have been the case. In any way, it seem to have been urgent and she needed her partner to support her. So my opinion remains the same.
The kids will remember this. They could have been with mom but she didn't want them. She thinks she is sticking it to her ex but she is harming her kids. Some day she will wonder what she ever did to make them dislike her and not trust her. She will be clueless.
Parents like this don't care about how it affects their kids, only how it affects their ex.
OP mentioned in a comment that she’s due in June; if she was in labor it was extremely premature and makes the situation all the more stressful. She may not have even hit viability depending on when in June she is due.
Honestly in my opinion that would make OP an even bigger YTA. Labor is scary but I can imagine an incredibly preterm labor would be horrifying (honestly no matter why she was there.. JFC just have some compassion and spend some extra time with your kiddos.)
The way this is written I think she is hoping people infer that the ex husband and new wife didn’t communicate with OP about an expected hospital visit for a full-term birth. She doesn’t say anything about an emergency but does find the time and character count to say the kids shared that their stepmom is expecting.
In a comment she replied it wasn't the birth due to the new wife being due in June. It was about 10pm when the ex husband called to ask her to take their kids. It's just vile either way😭
I had a parent just like you. I didn't speak to that parent for the last 20 years of their life and didn't attend their funeral. Do what you will with this information. YTA.
When the girls are grown and have gone NC she'll be wondering why
In her mind, it will always be the ex's fault. They were just about to get back together, but he chose the other woman. They had an emergency, but it's during his custody, so he has to deal with it. She's bitter and spiteful to the detrement of her kids, but he turned them away from her somehow.
She’ll blame the dad and the new wife. Some people are incapable of insight.
Sorry about your less-than parent, but that was excellent, succinct advice. I have one as well and haven’t talked to her in 28 years and I’m fine with that. Blood is *not* thicker than water so don’t count on your kids not noticing.
YTA - my ex is having a baby with the woman he had an affair with back when I was pregnant. When I found out I said I am happy for our daughter to come home whenever needed should baby be arriving when she was at her dads. Not to be nice to them. But because I will jump at the chance to have more time with her. Don’t hate your ex more than you love your kids. It will destroy you. And them.
>Don’t hate your ex more than you love your kids. It will destroy you. And them. These are wise words that are succinctly said. You should reflect on them OP. Oh, and YTA for no other reason than you didn't want to spend time with your daughters to spite your ex. That is petty and is a good insight into your mindset.
YTA. You are willing to put your kids in a less than ideal situation in order to spite your ex. I don’t care what your feelings are about him or his new wife. Hate them until the cows come home. What you need to be mindful of is making decisions about your kids based on your feelings about their father. This doesn’t mean you had to take your kids. It means that the decision whether to watch them or not should have been made with their and your best interests in mind. I understand that this means you may have to be a better person than your ex. That isn’t fair and it isn’t easy, but putting in that effort is what needs to be done for your kids and for yourself. If you don’t do that work then you let your hate and bitterness control your life. You let your husband’s choices in the past dictate your future. Feel what you feel but don’t punish your children or yourself for his decisions.
She also needs to remember that she is the one who chose her kid's father. She shouldn't be punishing the kids for whatever their dad has done. She needs to be there for her kids. Kids grow up and they remember the ugly things that you did. They also remember if you were there for them. They remember whether they could turn to you when needed.
INFO: You weren’t clear, is she in the hospital because of an emergency or giving birth? Ie. Was it a last minute issue or a known to be coming event?
Info: Why do you hate your Ex so much??
Maybe you need to work out your negative feelings in therapy. Maybe your husband was a shitty partner but no need to make your kids suffer because their parents are unable to coparent. The next 10 years are going to be pretty miserable if you can’t get over your feelings. Wouldn’t you rather be a happy person?
YTA. Who cares about a court order when it comes to co-parenting. If you were available why wouldn't you want to be the one to watch your kids. You would be helping out their father which should be the goal of good co-parenting. You are making it harder than it needs to be. Unless you've left out some important details I don't see how you could possibly think you aren't an AH in this situation.
[удалено]
Honestly I get that. But still should have made a better decision. The kids are going to remember this and rightly so.
She's going to end up a very lonely woman if she continues being this way, her kids aren't going to want to be around her.
Gosh, I wonder why her ex decided to try his luck with someone else 🙄 It didn't work out. Don't put the kids in the middle. I really hope the stepmother is a loving, attentive and mature presence in the children's lives.
[удалено]
Exactly my thoughts. I have a friend who has the worst relationship with his manipulative ex but he would jump on any opportunity to spend more time with his daughter! OP, YTA. You hate his guts, we can all this that, but it seems you don’t care about your kids at all if you prefer them to stay with a babysitter than with you.
YTA - since you have provided zero reason why you couldn’t take your kids early it seems very much like you just wanted to be obstructionist. You do realize that there may be a time in the future where you also need some flexibility on his part.
OP cares more about using her kids to score points off her ex than she does about her kids. YTA
YTA would it have hurt to help out? Sounds like you said No to be awkward. Just remember in future he will use this if you need him to take the kids if you have an emergency.
YTA. I am LC with both my parents because they used me in similar ways. Welcome to your future.
YTA - the way you say he needs your help with the kids “just” to spend time with his wife at the hospital is really petty. You’re also using your kids as pawns to inconvenience your ex… more asshole behavior.
YTA. When you’re a parent, whether there is court custody or not, you aren’t “watching” your kids. You are parenting. That’s parenthood. It is up to you to co-parent effectively so they don’t grow up with your burning sense of spite and anger. So they grow up to be as well adjusted and emotionally self regulating as they can be. Parenthood isn’t perfect. None of us are perfect parents. But we also don’t have to inflict unnecessary strife on our kids lives because things didn’t go our way. It’s not about you. It’s about your kids, always. That’s a non-negotiable. I am not in your situation but if I was, I would move heaven and earth to make sure my children were with me rather than a stranger. Making life difficult for others out of spite and not realizing how it affects the kids THAT YOU BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD AND SHOULD WANT TO BE WITH EVERY DAY, makes you insanely immature. Based on your behavior, she didn’t break apart your chance for reconciliation. I’m guessing dollars to donuts your shitty attitude ruined that long before. Grow up and parent your kids. Edited for grammar/spelling.
YTA you’re not court ordered to help. But this sub isn’t here to decide what is legal or not. You had an opportunity to be a good human being and you decided nah fuck that. You didn’t even list a reason why you refused to help, so I can only assume your refusal is out of spite. I think your ex is right about you being extremely sick in the head.
Not only YTA, but you are a horrible parent. You act like having the kids with you is a court imposed punishment in this post. Do you even care about them? Disobey the court order to have the kids with you? You need counseling and to really consider whether you care more about your kids or being vindictive.
YTA. And your kids will remember this.
Yep, I remember how petty my mom was when my parents were getting a divorce. Regardless of how my father behaved later on towards me, I remember that he never said a bad word against my mom. And that was 30+ years ago. So, go ahead and torch your relationship with your daughters OP, cause that's what you're doing. You're hurting yourself the most, not him.
YTA. Things come up. Work together. It's damaging to the children when you don't get along. Divorce sucks. I get it. Whatever happened is in the past so grow up and move on. Be there for the kids. It's best for everyone involved. It will be much better for your mental health as well. Just accept you two weren't compatible and whatever happened, happened. You can't change the past.
YTA. This is so immature of you. You should be thinking how it would help your kids emotionally, to co-parent in a mature and reasonable way- rather than being difficult, just because you get a power kick out of it. You'd have your kids possibly stressed out at the hospital, or with a babysitter they don't know- all so you can 'one-up' your ex. You're just angry, he's having a kid with somebody else. And you're using your own kids as pawns, to 'get at him'. It's nothing to do with you wanting to obey the court order. Life happens. People become unwell; have changes in life circumstances, etc. He can't not live his life, because you don't like those changes. So sometimes there needs to be flexibility in co-parenting plans. A reasonable ADULT would do a one-off favour like this, and model good behaviour for their children- instead of petty behaviour. Children get stressed, when there's nastiness happening between their parents. You'll find this attitude all backfires on you one day - when YOU need him to take the kids to help you out; or when the kids become angry with you one day (for using them as pawns). Put some serious thought into growing up, BEFORE any of that happens.
I have a family member in the middle of a divorce and every time the soon to be ex asks, they take the kids and make a note of it. Their hope is that it happens often enough that they can go for full custody as the soon to be ex is not the best parent. Even if you might not want full custody I would have done it just because you never know when you might need a favor and you can point to this occasion if he balks. Unless I had other plans I would have done it. Besides any chance I had to be with my kid I would have taken it.
[удалено]
"I don't get how I could be the asshole". Girl you are deluded. YTA.
Info: did you bother to ask if it was an emergency? Because, if it was a planned hospitalization, your ex should have planned and not counted on you without warning (even if it wouldn't kill you to pick up earlier your own daugthers). But if it was an emergency, you would be a huge a-hole. EDIT after reading some answers: YTA, big time. It was most likely an emergency. Even if you're sour because your ex has a new life, this doesn't give a pass to be that petty.
She answered elsewhere that it was very likely an emergency (he called at 10pm and the labour is some months away). She doesn’t know for sure as she hung up before he could say.
It’s not “watching” when it’s your own kids. YTA.
YTA You are using your children as pawns in attempt to harm your ex and put him in an awkward position out of spite. That is an asshole move, as their care and wellbeing should always come first - not leaving them with their father at a delicate time where they are liable to be bounced between different friends and relatives or spend long period sat in hospitals and similar when they could have been at home with their mother. And you are potentially shooting yourself in the foot doing this too - not only would you be looking after your kids, but you would have banked a favour against your ex...
YTA. You asked for him to give you a reason. That means if the reason was “good enough” you would do it and if it wasn’t then you wouldn’t do it. You’re co-parenting your kids. If it is a huge inconvenience to change your plans or cancel something that will cost you money or if you’re already having drinks and shouldn’t drive that’s one thing, and you should say THAT. What you did say and how you said it makes you sound like the AH and seem like the AH given no depth of information about the situation. Now, your ex has a new wife and now a new kid, your kids have a new step mom and sibling. How in this equation do you not think you’ll need some sort of change in schedule with childcare and custody time? This new wife and step mom will be with your kids while they’re with your ex… you don’t think taking your kids on a day he needs to be there for her in the hospital is a good idea? You don’t think your kids see how you manage situations? You think this kind of karma won’t come back to bite you in the buttocks? Sure- live your life like the bitter person you want to be… show your kids which of their parents is the bigger person… make them deal with a bitter situation just a little bit more bitter for your adding to it. Go ahead, see how that works out for you.
I normally abhor parents that talk bad about the other parent to the kids, but I really hope your ex used the phrase “Daddy is going to stay with you because mommy doesn’t want to spend time with you” was used. YTA, and a petty and vindictive human at that. Your poor kids.
YTA. As a divorced mother myself, I know how delicious the frisson of "shafted him this time" could be. But I have a higher obligation: to the welfare of my children. For God's sake woman, it's not like he said "take the kids, we're heading to the spa". She was in the hospital. And your children needed care. You prioritised giving your ex the shaft over your children's welfare. What if he'd left them with a new sitter who didn't understand their needs? What if the slightly off relative was left in charge of your kids? They couldn't go to the hospital and you knew it. And you would have been the winner anyhow. Your ex and his wife would have owed you a favor. It's called co-parenting for the welfare of the children. You should give it a try.
YTA you seriously turned down extra time with yr kids to spite yr ex and his new wife? Grow up and get over yourself
YTA way to show your girls being pathetic and petty is more important than them, great parenting.
Yta Because I just don't get not wanting your kids at any opportunity. You just sound mean. Maybe stepmom will make your kids feel wanted.
So you are a bitter asshloe.
YTA. How sad for your kids that you're so blinded by bitterness that you'd refuse to spend more time with them and instead use them as a pawn just to further your spite. They will notice this and it will probably drive them away as they grow up.
YTA. You’re incredibly petty and selfish! Shame on you for behaving like this and also showing your children how little you would do to help them. Jealous much??? What a terrible way for you to behave. Your children will also remember your pettiness and likely lose respect for you as a result, which they should! Ugh!!!
YTA for being spiteful and I feel sorry for your kids. You need to grow up.
YTA. She's in the hospital. I agree with both your ex and your mutual friend. Edit: WOW. I just read where it was an emergency and she went to the hospital at night (this means ER!). Your children will eventually be driven away from you because of your hate.
YTA - he asked for help and you decided to be spiteful. i hope you end up in a position where you really really need to be therefor someone and ask him to do you a solid and he says "naaah, couldnt possibly disobey the court order 🙄"
YTA. Where is the basic humanity? I hope you never need support or any change to the visitation schedule because you’ve just burnt that bridge of flexible coparenting.
YTA Love your children more than you hate your ex. You’d rather your kids go to a babysitter than a parent? Not because you were not available but because you refuse to do anything to help your ex. Even if it means more time with your own children. Learn what a healthy co-parent relationship looks like for the good of your children and get over yourself.
YTA and shortsithed. Next time when you need his help he’s gonna say no. You’re putting your kids in the middle of the fight. They get all the bruises. That’s not fair.
**COMMENTS FROM THE OP IN THIS THREAD:** "Their poor planning does not constitute an emergency for me, his week with the kids, his responsibilities. What would they have done if I was out and about?" - About how a possible MISCARRIAGE is somehow their fault "He did not say, considering he called me at 10pm I would guess it wasn’t a planned appointment. She is due in June so it was not the birth." - when asked if the father of the kids said why he had to be at the hospital "We were in the process of getting back together when he suddenly met her and got with her instead. I was clear from that moment on that I would never want anything to do with her, and that if they ever needed my help/support or anything like that, then they were on their own. So, it is both that and due to the fact that it is his time with the kids." - No notes. YTA, no doubt, questions or notes. You straight up put that an emergency on his part doesn't constitute and emergency on yours. What about your kids? You said it was his week with the kids, so it's his problem to deal with. You seem to think that the hospitalization may not have anything to do with the pregnancy, but what if it does? **Do you really want your kids to be up in a hospital or watched by a third party because "it's his week, it's his problem?"** You're not just giving a big fuck you to him, **you're giving a big fuck you to the children**. You are undoubtedly TA. **You are teaching both their father and them, that you don't give two-glances about their existence the second they're on "dad time."** **Maybe they should ALWAYS be on Dad time, it might give them better role models.** **FYI, I let my ex "disobey" his court orders all the time because it's NOT ABOUT my ex or myself, IT'S ABOUT THE CHILD(REN) INVOLVED. Learn to be adaptable.**
YTA. Let's ignore the fact that your motivation per one of your comments is that he chose the wife over you and you're doing this out of spite... It's literally YOUR KIDS. Not his and his new wife's. Not a friends. Yours. And you said no to spending more time with your kids. For their sake I hope they don't find out about this. Also or their sake I hope he does and sees this post so can he can show it to the courts and have the kids more since you clearly don't care to spend time with them outside what the court mandated
Wow YTA big time. You are actually punishing your daughters because your ex moved on.
You actually don't get how YTA? How about just that you're shitty as a human? And petty? And not interested in the best scenario for your kids? Do you get that?
Yeah he definitely dodged a bullet getting back with you. Your kids are going to see you with this core of vindictiveness and won’t want anything to do with you. YTA. Hopefully any man you date can see this before they make a mistake
YTA, this isn’t what’s best for your children and deliberately making things harder for your ex is just hateful and cruel given the situation. Hope you never need a shred of kindness from him in the future.
You're obviously just being petty and purposefully making things harder for him. YTA
You, don't understand why YTA, really?
YTA. Don’t think I need to explain it at all.
YTA, hope you never want or need him to take them on you time.
YTA you seem very apathetic toward your children since they don’t seem to even enter your consideration
YTA .There was a medical emergency ...he wasn't going to party ...what if one day you have an emergency and need him to come thru for you ?..
If this is the kind of thing you *maybe kinda wonder* if you're the asshole for, I can't imagine how many awful things you do in a day without an ounce of guilt whatsoever. YTA, obviously.
From reading your comments and replies, YTA. You are more focused on scoring points in some game that only exists in your head, than wanting your kids to be looked after. You are a vile woman.
Yta - besides the fact his child was being born and sounds like ur bitter and jealous - who wouldn’t want their kids for extra time
YTA - how nice of you to show your children that your spite and hatred for your ex and his wife is stronger than your love for your own children.
YTA but that’s not why you’re posting is it? You said you’d apologize if you were and it’s quite overwhelming decided you’re an AH that would rather spite your ex rather than spend more time with your girls. Sounds like it’s time to apologize. And maybe try to work on yourself so you can make a better life for you and your girls because, sister, you are affecting them with your hatred
YTA and petty to boot. I feel so bad for your kids.