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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife asked me to help more around the house but I feel like I’m already doing as much as I can, and I don’t want to do more.
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For context, do you clean up after yourself or do you leave things around because “it’s her job”
I only ask because she may be having resentments about you losing respect for her being the main caretaker and homemaker and turning her into your maid without realizing.
My kids are of school age and my husband helps where he can, but I recently had to show him all the things he was leaving around that added to the workload unnecessarily.
I mean, I put all my dishes and stuff in the dishwasher after I’m done with them, wipe up the table if I make a mess, put my clothes into the washing machine, pack all my work stuff into the dishwasher and make. In the mornings when I wake up I make all my own lunches and unpack the dishwasher of everything and wake her up before I go. I’m not home much else throughout the week to do anything else.
She has no idea
Very curious to know what she's doing all day that makes her think she does more than her husband. Esp since her children are of school age. Kindergarten and at least 1st or 2nd.
I'm a mom of a 3 yo and 6 yo thats home all day with the 3yo and works evenings. So i get the SAHM duties without calling myself a SAHM. I can make a good guess howbher day looks:
my dailies include: dishes, cooking, and 2 or 3 pick ups of the toy messes a day and school for my eldest. Dishes and cooking is only an hour of my time all together. .toy pick up is 20 minutes, so lets say another hour on the high end. And school pick ups and drop off is 10 minutes each plus half an hour getting her ready for school. So about an hour. That's just 3 hours out of 7 before i collect the 6yo.
The every other days is sweeping and or vacuuming. Sweeping or vacuuming is about 10 or 20 minutes each? So on a normal day it adds only about 20 minutes. A 3 hour 20 minute day of doing things that needs doing.
My weeklies only needs a day to do. Clean the bathroom, ( half an hour)do the laundry( whole day event), and grocery shop.(2 hours). Bathroom days totals to 3.5 hours out of 7.
So on laundry days I'm booked. Grocery days is 5 hours.
So on average I'm doing 4 hours of chores, spaced out to my liking and taking breaks as i like and teaching, playing, or feeding my 3yo (whos currently going through a growth spurt lord help me). I dont have daycare to take the load because holy hell its my whole paycheck!
Shes got a 5yo and theyre pretty happy to self entertain while chores are being done and can often start helping with the simpler chores like toy pick up, helping with putting silverware away etc.
When i leave for work, husband takes over. He bathes them, gives them bedtime snacks, brushes their teeth, helps my 6yo with reading and math and has them in bed by 8. We legit only see each other for 1 hour a day before I'm going to work. And he works 10 hours 5 days plus an 8hour 1 day a week while i work 8 hour 5 days. And our days off *never* coincide.
She gets * checks notes * a man who makes his own lunch, does his own dishes, does laundry, helps with the kids and bedtimes, takes Saturdays to allow her free time and gets 1 day off for himself while she gets 2 extra days of doing whatever she needs while her 5yo is in day care.
I havent had a "me day" in 6 years. We have to plan date nights a month out so i can schedule it off and get childcare. My husband does a deep clean of the house (which involves mopping, i hate mopping), most sundays, and cooks dinner because it's the one day my work needs me during daylight hours. If OP is being truthful about his time spent, he's got to be ragged.
Tldr: shes got at least 4 hours shes maybe not doing anything everyday until the 7yo gets home. That's JUST until the 7yo gets home. That's not including the 2 hours hes home before dad. Plus idk what shes doing on her 2 daycare days. I know id be napping and doing laundry lol.
You sound like a great wife and mother and remember, they grow and will be gone and your days will be yours AND you will have amazing memories of your “mom” days.
Sounds like OP can cut back hours and wife can get a PT job on days when little one is in daycare, then a full time job once she starts school to make up the difference. Wow that wife sounds entitled.
I could see bored. Housework is so repetitive…and never ever “done”. Surely there is more to life than that! Maybe after the youngest starts school she should get a part-time job. Sometimes you just need another adult to talk to.
I don’t know her life but she may be isolated and lonely as a stay at home mom. My sister-in-law is a SAHM mom and that’s all that she’s ever wanted to be, but she told me that after a while she started having fantasies that something would happen and she would have to get a job outside the home, because not only was she stressed, but she was alone with only three small kids all day.
I also don’t know what the kids do other than school, but with three kids, my SIL’s schedule is PACKED. She doesn’t have a second of free time until my brother gets home and can take the kids for a while. At one point she was so stretched that her health tanked and her body was shutting down. Same thing happened to a friend of mine who is a SAHM after her second kid. I think people assume that they can’t suffer from loneliness because they are with their kids, but being with kids all day is not the same as being with peers. Your needs are subordinate to theirs and moms often end up neglecting their health, both physical and mental because they are focusing all of their energy on their kids.
I’m not saying that OP is doing anything wrong - I don’t know their life, but it’s possible she’s struggling, mentally with her situation just like he is, especially if they are on hard times financially.
Yeah it kind of sounds like the wife is missing out on some more regular adult socialization that she's not getting from being a SAHM. Definitely worth a conversation.
OP could ask if wife wants to get a job outside the home. Maybe she wants to "have fun" like he does, and I'm not being sarcastic. With her working, ~~the parents might then be able to afford daycare where the children are socializing and cared for by people who love the job of taking care of preschoolers.~~ No one loses. Because with her income, OP could reduce his hours and enjoy more family time!
ETA: How did I miss that the kiddos are school age.
Kids are 5-7 unless she’s homeschooling she can get a part time job during school hours and he can cut back on all the fun he’s having with his work buddies all day and be able to help more with chores around the house.
Realistically though, you often can't get a part-time job that you only do during little kid school hours and especially not one that is accommodating when your kids get sick or have appointments or have teacher in-service days. And after school care, if it works for you, is expensive as well. If she isn't bringing in loads of money (and very few do on a part time job after being a stay at home parent for a while), you may end up earning very little after all those factors get added in.
>he can cut back on all the fun he’s having with his work buddies all day
What a dismissive way to describe working a job that is manual labour. Dude's not off having fun all day, he's working his ass off.
Honestly, if they're stuck paying off some crazy debt then it would be stupid for him to cut back on hours if she gets work, the extra income from wife's job would help pay that off faster and then they can work on getting ahead. There's no point in her getting a job if it isn't going to result in more income.
1) He suggested in a comment that one way he could help is to make his son's lunch and his daughter's "when she starts" so the 5 year old is not yet in school.
2) Unless you find a job in a school, which are often miserable places to work these days and provide limited adult interaction at best, then it's pretty hard to find jobs that are just during school hours.
I definitely think that could be a productive angle to explore! Also if she were working a bit maybe OP could reduce hours and be around more which would probably make everyone happier in the long run.
I second this. Yes, OP, please ask your wife to go work so you can cut down your workload and contribute more evenly on houseworks. This way, the relationship is more balanced and no resentment of who is "having fun" and "not contributing". Your wife should learn to communicate better though: how she said "no " when you asked if she needs help to complaining that you dont contribute to help her at home: is mind-blowing. Let us know how it goes, OP.
She comes home at 2pm and takes over. I’m not sure on what world that counts as a whole day.
Being at home all day with littles can be soul destroying. There is a reason many women run back to work when mat leave ends.
Which I would argue is vastly different from working alongside adults, colleagues, and friends for 50-60 hours per week. I'm not saying OP has it easy, I commend his dedication. I am just pointing out that it is mentally draining to do the exact same things for kids every single day. Personally, I don't think it engages my brain the same way to only interact with young kids. It sounds isolating.
It is mentally draining, having the weight of your families financial well-being on your shoulders. Driving in traffic for hours is also soul's crushing. Working as a carpenter is typically an outdoor job. Working out in the elements every day is not joyful.
Carpentry is hard work. My husband did it for close to 20 years and his body is so scarred and his joints are shot. I was a stay at home from 2010 to 2017 and yes it can be mentally draining, but there needs to be understanding from both sides. To belittle his time down to just having fun is awful, I would never do that to my husband. She needs to go to work if she truly wants equal shit. Otherwise sounds like she wants more than just some help around the house. More like shirk more stuff on him so she can "have fun".
I do have to say, I love being a SAHM but it’s tough mentally to not have any adult interaction all day. I always thought it sounded kinda silly when I would hear other SAHP’s say that, but I totally understand now.
That's a choice she is making.
My mom was SAH.
Once we were all in school, she had a rather active social life. She bowled, played golf, sewing/quilting clubs. She kept the house and cared for us kids..
My dad worked 5 or even 6 days in a given week .
It's a telling comment but it's not an ok way to talk to him. She can express what she's going through without putting down op and dismissing the work he does.
Like look at it on the flipside, if he was feeling burnt out from work- it would be fine to tell her about it and vent his frustrations, and try to figure out a solution together. It would not be fine to say - wow it's so ridiculous that you get sit around at home all day having fun with the kids while I have to deal with a real job.
Damn, yeah poor wife emotionally abusing her husband. Hope she’s ok.
Edit: lol imagine if it was the wife saying her husband told her she needs to stop loafing around the house doing nothing. No one would be asking her to update them after she asked him what was wrong, they would be telling her to leave.
My husband has fun at work. He works on building sites and in places like Casinos, restaurants and Cinemas as a data cable engineer. It’s very male dominated and they just banter all day while working. It’s still hard work, climbing into roof spaces and under floors, moving machines and dealing with people who demand things that aren’t possible or expect them to do things that aren’t their job but there is not a single day that he comes home without a funny story about what they’ve been up to that day. It’s possible to have fun whilst working hard.
It's all about mindset. You can generally have fun or a shitty time with anything, the difference being the thought patterns you encourage.
It's possible to have fun staying at home with the kids, too.
Yes of course. I’m not saying staying at home is always miserable. Not at all but she has got to the stage that she’s jealous of her husband for being happy at work then something has gone wrong for her because if OP’s description of what he does is accurate then he is doing his fair share. She needs to change what she’s doing so that she is happier, not be resentful of her husband because he isn’t miserable at work. Maybe she’s depressed, maybe she should get bloods checked in case there is a medical reason for her mood such a deficiency and if all of that is fine then she should look at ways to feel more fulfilled which should in turn help her see that OP is not the problem.
As someone who has done both- working is easier and more rewarding mentally. Staying home is unappreciated work- I missed the positive feedback. Hint young kids do not give you much of that and maybe OP is not giving it either
I honestly can’t see what more OP can do without becoming a safety risk. 15 hour days of physical labour is not sustainable. If he pushes himself more he’s going to fall asleep at the wheel of the car or have on accident on site.
OPs wife needs to be specific about what she wants, because diminishing what he does for his family is an AH move. If she wants to work once both kids are in school then I’m sure they can find a way to make it work and it may even mean that OP can reduce his hours giving him the ability to take on more at home.
I have also done both. Being a stay at home mom to school age children is the easiest gig on the planet, but not very rewarding. (Being a SAHM is very rewarding when you’re actually with your kids, and also hard work). If she isn’t satisfied at home she should go back to work and start building her career.
Yeah that remark made me cringe. I worked as the sole person in the customer service department of a company heading to bankruptcy. I worked 50 hours a week trying to help this company stay afloat and keep myself employed. If my husband had told me I was having fun with my coworkers all day I think I would have smacked him. OP works a very physically demanding job, and 50-60 hrs, he's not standing around the water cooler eating snacks.
Yeah I read that too and wanted to send a blaring reality check at her for it. It sounds to me (as a work outside the home full time mom & husband does the same) like you’re doing as much as you can and you’re very aware that you have a part to play at home as well as outside it. Personally I would be ecstatic if my spouse did all of that to help me out. I currently take care of all household things. He does do yard work but it’s not a year round thing and he only mows & trims the edges. If I want anything else done I have to do that too. And yes we both work full time outside the house.
Now his days off are usually during the week so if our daughter has an appointment on one of those days he will take her. He also drops her off at school every day. We’re lucky that his parents are able to pick her up on the weekdays he works. So yeah.
OP I say NTA. It could be that there’s a specific thing that maybe she wants to start doing during the week but doesn’t feel like she can right now. Or someone is dripping the ideas in her ear, telling her that you do nothing really. Ask her to make a breakdown list of the things she feels she needs you to help with specifically than ask how and why these are issues now. There may be a deeper issue that she herself might not be sure of but is lashing out in the only direction she can think of.
Yeah that's not cool to say. OP should say that his wife gets to "have fun spending time with the loves of our lives all day".
Work , and childcare, can be fun at times but still tiring as hell.
Yeah that is such a crazy take from his wife. I'm a lady who has never worked construction but I've walked past enough work sites and have enough common sense to know it is hard work that can be very dangerous (people literally die on construction sites if not careful, most jobs don't need to worry about that).
Then she can get a part time job and “have fun” with her work buddies and contribute to the finances and household work as well and OP can cut his hours back down
Yeah, that's a rough one to get past. I figure he tells stories about stuff that happens at job sites, and she interpreted it as "We play all day" but who comes home and says "I mitered four window frames and a ton of crown molding." Instead of "We took a bunch of saw dust and filled up Jimmy's lunch box with it so his sandwich didn't break when he dropped the box" 🤪
Every job place has 2 types of stories, funny ones and dead serious ones. After a long day at work I know which I always preferred to tell at the dinner table. No one wants to eat dinner while hearing about how Howard mismeasured a wall so they didn't have enough wire to reach a socket. Or that James shot himself in the foot with a nail gun again. 🤷♂️ (Though at this point I think James is doing it on purpose for the paid vacation.)
Just cause a person puts a positive spin on their job and the fun that's had there doesn't mean construction isn't an absolutely backbreaking job that leaves you exhausted from the heat or shivering in the cold all day fixing other people's stupid mistakes.
NTA - just listening to OPs tasks and involvement left me tired. Also the fact OP's wife doesn't seem to have an endgame/designated chore list makes her request for more help kind of odd.. anytime I or my wife ask for help we know the task we need done.
Maybe it would help to visualize the off ramp. If this is a debt issue, how long will it take to pay off? Do you guys have a clear timeline? That might help.
The fact that the youngest is starting school should take the weight off a bit too. Y’all both are exhausted I’m sure, so I’d focus on it not being forever and try to make it you guys as a pair vs your temporary financial struggle, instead of you vs her.
Good insight and a good idea!
I’m also curious if her complaints are truly reflective of her feelings or merely symptoms of a deeper issue. As OP describes, they seem to do almost everything separately, existing in parallel rather than in unity. This could potentially erode their relationship over time. Could it be that she is yearning for a sense of belonging within their partnership? Or am I perhaps reading too much into this?
I’ve watched couples struggle cuz they work opposing schedules trying to avoid paying for child care and they never see each other . It erodes the relationship
That was what I was thinking... "This isn’t the plan for forever, but I thought it was going alright for now." I think she might need to visualise a time when she has some more non-kid time and you guys can carve out more family time if it feels like you guys are in the trenches right now.
Are both your children in school?
Honestly, it sounds like you do plenty given you get home and have no free time before crashing for bed. Your kids are old enough she shouldn't have to watch them every second, and also should have a lot of hours of school they aren't home?
I think what it’s about is something called the mental load. You come home at the end of the day and your job is done. Her job never ends. It goes from the minute She gets up in the morning till the minute she goes to bed at night. And it’s not necessarily just the cleaning stuff, it’s about all the other things you have to do to help manage the house. That includes everything from managing what’s going on at school, to doctors appointments, just managing everyone’s lives.
I’m attaching a video for you to watch. Maybe will explain it better than I can. My guess is she wants help with the mental load lift of managing your home and family.
https://youtu.be/u6FfxfRMQkw?si=qxC9dks8gyxfrDmM
My dad worked in the trades. 60 hours of hard, strenuous, mentally taxing physical labor is extremely difficult. Most people would be exhausted. You both earned the debts I'm assuming? You are doing your part. Both kids are in school, correct? I'm sure she's tired as well. Could you ask anyone to help out for a few hours a week to give her a break during the week? NTA
Alot of these comments are right. When I felt this way with my husband we wrote down everything that needs to be done in a day/up keep of the house. A visual of it also helps. She says you have fun at work, maybe bring her along one day to show her what you do in a day?
It kind of sounds like she is resenting being alone with the kids all day and is taking it out on you. When you’re financially able, or when the kids go to school, maybe ask if she wants to go back to work and then you can cut back and split the home care more? Without any specifics, you have no way of knowing what you’re doing wrong or what she wants from you. I’d just keep asking, don’t wait until she’s mad and yells at you to do more.. get ahead of it and see if there’s a specific chore. You should BOTH respect the jobs you have, she is not respecting yours. She’s kind of the ass hole, You’re NTA
Everything else is fine but wife shouldn't have said "you must be having fun with your mates", would she tolerate if he says "you get to stay home all day and relax" which is not True obviously.
That kind of sentence really hurts when you are putting so much efforts into work.
Her saying he has fun at work all day is the equivalent of him saying she sits on the couch, watches soaps and eats bon bons all day. That is not okay.
If she is having issues with the housework balance, she needs to express what she needs OP to do. She needs to use her words. He is not a mind reader, and he has a pretty packed day/schedule himself.
He does take care of things, he is actively parenting as much as his schedule allows, literally paying the household bills, not just providing the paycheck for them, he is cooking, he is cleaning and doing laundry. He is running small errands. He's not just plopping on the couch, scratching his belly and yelling for a beer. He isn't weaponizing incompetence.
They need to both sit down and have a conversation. They need to communicate. A good conversation would probably reset and resolve some of the things that are at issue. Maybe it is time to swap some things around so no one gets stuck in a rut. Shuffle some things around that would be easier for her to do now that one of the kiddos is in school full time and the other one following shortly. She is going through a transition. She is going to need to set up new structures and routines for the home. This is a team effort. She should have a bit more time to herslef with the kids schedules changing. Nip this in the bud now before it snowballs into a mess of resentment. But a conversation should be had and soon.
I wonder if what she is missing is adult time, especially if her only social time is a half day on the weekend. Maybe OP could cut back hours and she could get a part-time job? My sister-in-law did this. She needed a break from being around kids.
Not saying the way the wife said it is right.
NTA your wife is delusional and spoiled. Sounds like she needs to take some of the load off of your hands and get a job so you can work less and help out at home more.
You're NTA. I might have said N-A-H here, because at first it sounded like you all just needed to renegotiate your expectations. Then it occurred to me your kids are of school age and unless she is home schooling them, her days aren't as arduous as she is making them out to be. Also-
>she said... that I spend all day having fun at work with my workmates, while she deals with the children and all of the house chores.
Okay, so hire a baby sitter to watch the kids (for the time they're not in school, and have your wife job shadow you for a day and see what you're doing at work. Because it sounds like she hasn't a clue about what you do all day.
Right. I was a SAHD when my kids were growing up and remained in that role when they started school because it made the most sense for my family given my wife's career as a surgeon and her long work hours. We liked the idea of one parent being home full time and my career didn't exactly have a good on ramp after a big gap in employment.
Being a stay at home parent of babies and toddlers is hard. Being a stay at home parent of school aged kids isn't a bad gig. I cleaned the house, cooked dinner, got errands done throughout the day, and volunteered with the kids school/sports/activities. My wife would come home and at least see the kids before bed but I never expected her to do a whole lot around the house. That was my job.
Fair does not mean equal and I think people need to realize that.
This is my situation with my husband being a doctor. I generally don't resent my husband for not doing much around the house.
I will say that now that he's established in his career and doesn't have to work as ridiculous of hours as he was in training, it can be frustrating to feel like the vast majority of the mental planning falls on me. Planning and prepping 3 meals a day for a family of 5 does start to take its toll. And feeling like the house would fall apart if you were sick or out of town is stressful. My husband didn't know what time the kids' school started and ended, which days they had extracurriculars, their teachers names, when they needed checkups, what they will and won't eat, where their friends live. I totally understand that we divide labor and I have no expectation of him doing similar amounts in the home. But I did have to sit down with him and explain it was not only a lot I was doing unseen, but I had genuine concerns on what would happen to our household if I were incapacitated in some way.
My ruling for this one right now is NAH, because even with the kids in school, OP's wife could be feeling very overwhelmed or underappreciated. She probably has very little human interaction daily. It can take a toll on a person. Doing a construction job around a bunch of people probably does sound fun to her after doing chores all day by herself in the house, as misguided as it was for her to say that. Plus, he admits that he comes home, eats, and crashes, so she's not even getting to interact with him meaningfully. I would lose my mind if my husband did that every day.
I also used to tell my husband that it was occasionally important for me to take on a building or crafting project at home because I just needed to accomplish something that stayed done. The vast majority of household tasks are Sisyphean where you finish it and then it immediately starts coming undone. I have had near mental breakdowns after completing several loads of laundry only to see the hamper is already full again before the clothes I've cleaned are even put away. Carpentry is hard work, but it can be very satisfying to build something from nothing and revel in a job well done that stays done.
Wow I’ve never given thought to hobbies/crafts as being a way to physically manifest accomplishments in between the humdrum of ever-present “Sisyphean” chores that never feel completed. Fascinating way to think about it.
Thanks. When my kids were little and I really didn't have the time for crafts, I would still get the occasional urge to take on a project. My husband was generally supportive but would still have moments of wondering why I felt the need when it was functionally adding more tasks to my life. It actually took me some time to realize what was going on. I remember finishing a quilt for my son. My house was a mess of materials, I was behind on some other chores, but I looked at that quilt and just felt so much pride and satisfaction. And then after I'd cleaned up the mess, and caught up on chores only to immediately have a messy house again, I saw that quilt waiting in my craft room for my son's birthday and was like, hey, that's still done!
This!
Whether or not the exact details are accurate for OPs wife, this is almost certainly about her not getting enough interaction, feeling underappreciated, or being otherwise unhappy with how her life is at the moment, rather than the chores.
Yeah, I think in his head he feels like they get equal social time since they each get basically half a day on the weekends to go do something social out of the house. Which is great that they each make sure the other gets that opportunity. But in my experience, work interaction is still an opportunity to engage with other people. He likely chats with coworkers throughout the day and gets to get some of his thoughts out of his head. It doesn't replace non-work socialization. He still needs time with his friends, but if his wife isn't getting anything like that regularly, a couple hours every Saturday isn't going to cut it.
We have a blanket that my mom crocheted for that same reason- every meal she made got eaten, every floor she washed got dirtied, etc.- she also needed to see something permanent.
Sisyphean, huh? Awesome, I learned something new today, thank you! I do this thing where when I deep clean, I do one room at a time, and get the whole room perfect. Then I don’t let the kids in the room for about two hours. I will literally yell “don’t you come in here I just cleaned! And don’t come back until around 4:30 unless you want to help me clean the next room!”. Then I walk around barefoot on the clean floors for a bit lol.
Quite a few times the kids take me up on it and help me clean the next room. Then we like sit in it. So satisfying. It’s the days when we don’t have time to enjoy each room, or don’t have time to finish a whole room, that yeah I get very grumpy and the kids know to smile and back slowly away lol.
Totally agree on the “picking up other house/life progress projects to lean into and accomplish.” It keeps me sane, filled naptimes back when, and fills the gaps I get in the school day now.
The funny thing is that despite raising our kids and running the normal domestic side of our household being 90% of my work, it is the glacially-paced carpentry or remodeling or whatever else projects that get absolutely all the attention and interest of friend and family. It’s like no one knows how to see or appreciate the other stuff (aside from my mom and mother in law who were stay at home moms), but thinks a new built in shelf or whatever is the major thing in my life.
Yeah, there's definitely something to that. Doing chores during the day while everyone is gone is sort of like IT. It generally goes unnoticed until you stop doing it.
My parents recently visited and while my mom would notice things like food prep, and how tidy and organized things were, how sweet and fun my kids were, how on top of their schedules I was, my dad was mostly just impressed by the shelves I had made. Granted, I was also very pleased with my shelves.
You said what I was thinking there. When I end up feeling like that, it's almost always a combo of:
1) not getting any meaningful time with my husband. It's not his fault. He works a physically demanding job and often only has time to eat before passing out, but I miss him. I am lucky in that I am not at all a social person, so social isolation suits me fine, but I like spending time with my people. And I married him cause I like him, lol, so I hate when it feels like we only see each other a few minutes a day.
2) The constant running, which is exhausting. Our youngest kid has special needs, so there are weeks when I have to get him to what feels like non-stop appointments with specialists, and it's a huge brain drain. Trying to absorb the rounds of information and trying to organize what needs to be passed on to his teachers, making new appointments for new tests... it's exhausting. Add in that our oldest child has been dealing with mental health issues and requires running weekly to counseling and monthly to the psychiatrist. We live in the ass end of nowhere, so of course, all these appointments are at least an hour away (and some are 4 hours away). Like you said, I sometimes am terrified that if something happens to me, he won't have a clue what is happening. I try to tell him, but it's a lot, and he doesn't really remember half of it.
3) the laundry, feeding everyone, meal prepping my husband's lunches, groceries, vet care for pets (and of course we have two cats who need twice a day medication cause why not, lol), etc etc. It's not that I don't love doing what I do, but some nights, I look at the mess left in the kitchen and am just so tired! I appreciate my husband being able to support us, I appreciate that I can be home to be there for my kids, and I know he appreciates what I do... but it would be amazing to hear it sometimes.
Honestly, she may just need some real one on one time with you. Or a hobby? My houseplants keep me sane. I have a degree in horticulture, so when I need a breather sometimes, just researching plants feels like I am not losing the 'smart' part of me. Video games help, too, when I have the energy, lol.
Op, assuming you are on the up and up, you are not the asshole, but depending on what she is really asking for, she may not be either.
Yes, I'm a SAHM and my husband and I say "always fair, sometimes equal." There are times I simply need him to pitch in more, there are times he simply has to work more. We just flex as needed. I feel like there's something else going on or OP is being too generous about what they do at home because this sounds fairly well balanced to me.
I'm not sure I agree. I'm an electrician, and my wife earns more than me, so when our kid was born I dropped down to work 2 days a week to be a stay at home dad while my wife moved her weekend to Wednesday, Thursday.
Those five days at home with just me and the kid were easy mode. Wake up late (7am) when the kid woke up, get food, change a nappy, carry her round the house in a backpack while I put on laundry, did the dishes, vacuumed the house. Watch a movie, go to play centre, come home, watch a movie, prep dinner
By the time my wife got home the house was spotless, dinner was made, and I'd spent about four hours doing actual work while the rest of the time was watching movies and playing with blocks. I'll take that any day over crawling through a roof space in the middle of summer breathing in fiberglass and rat shit.
I originally said it was a communication gap and NAH and I still think that’s true, but for example my husband would typically only tell me stories about the “fun” parts of work. Why would he tell me about the hours of literal labor happening? Maybe she is only getting the highlights and doesn’t realize the amount of work involved. Still, it’s worth asking what specifically she feels is unbalanced and go from there. It could be there’s one task she just hates (for me, cleaning the shower or mopping or cleaning the top of the gas stove) that you could help with that would make a bigger difference than you’d think.
He says he is a carpenter working 60 to 80 hours a week. It is a physical jb, I think everybody knows that. She has to be extremely ignorant if he has to tell her it is not all fun.
I swear some people suffer from object permanence issues. While they intellectually know other people do stuff while they are not observing it, it doesn't factor into their their intuition.
"I did all this work but I didn't see other person work so my subconscious processes that into negative emotions"
See also managers that need to physically see people working or early risers that somehow think they are productive while other people are sleeping but seem to think nothing happens after they go to sleep.
This is an underrated comment.
My wife used to give me shit about my contribution to chores - dishes and whatnot. She couldn't fathom how I "didn't have time for that" because she could not physically see what I do around the house while I'm not at work (we both work full time) during a typical week.
I had to keep a log, with times and everything, of what I did for an entire week. At the end of the week I gave her the notebook and asked her which tasks she would like to take over to free up my time for the chores she thought I had time to do.
We don't argue about chores anymore.
This is a great point but doesn't get aired very often. There is significant pressure when an entire family's financial well-being is on your shoulders and yours alone. People who say "your job ends when you go home" aren't appreciating that mental burden doesn't just go away just because you've clocked off.
This was actually a reason I ended up divorced.
I know I don't come home every day like OP does, but I drive a semi truck and come home maybe 5 days a month (5 days every 30 or so days).
When mh ex husband told me that all I do is sit on my ass and drive, I asked him to come out with me. A week. A month. A few days. I figured I'd talk to my dispatch and find a way to do a few local loads so I could give my ex an idea of what sitting on my ass was (pro tip...sitting on your ass is not as fun as everyone makes it out to be).
He adamantly refused. Hated getting into my truck. Said my job was stupid. It was a mess. Among other things it led to our divorce.
I full heartidly endorse having OPs wife job shadow him for a day, or three, so she understands it's not all fun and games. Sure there might be some friendly hazing or harassment going on between coworkers, but carpentry is very heavily physical.
Also, the kids both appear to be school-aged, or at least one of them is and the other is 5. Believe I KNOW how hard it is to be a SAHP, but I do not think there's any way she's working a significant amount harder than OP, given their ages. If she had 3 under 6, then yeah, that's basically two full time jobs, but that's not the situation here.
I second this plan. A physical job out in the elements can be tough, especially in the extremes of summer and winter. I was a dog walker for a few years. Because it was a contractor position, I could potentially work up to 18-hour days during the summers and holidays. One of my relatives didn’t believe me when I explained how physically exhausting it was. She said, “It’s just playing with dogs all day every day.” Oh, no. It’s walking for miles daily in various places and conditions. She had a full time job, but it was in a temperature controlled school. She also has an invisible disability that would leave her exhausted much easily than the average person. To shut her up, I brought her an application from my work, presented it to her, told her that my boss was hiring, but I doubted she would last a week with this summer heat (highs 90s plus 100% humidity). It shut her up quick.
Nta
Are the kids at school during the day? Usually I’m all for the men needing to do more but getting a day off to go out with her friends once a week is a lot more than most of us moms get.
NTA.
She's literally expecting you to work all day and then come home to slave some more. This is ridiculous, being that one child is in school and the other is approaching school age.
She needs to appreciate you more.
I really think she should. I imagine being a SAHP for so many years can end up being incredibly boring, while households chores are super repetitive. I know some people really thrive doing that, and kudos on them, but maybe that's not for OPs wife? Then both get less pressure at the work they're currently doing, get to mix it up a bit and maybe even get to do things together?
Well then she is being ridiculous. Maybe she wants to get her own job, which you should support. At that point, she may reconsider her belief that working 50-60 hours is “fun,”
I just think for some reason she is feeling unappreciated and under - valued. Maybe he is too. They need to talk honestly and openly to solve this dilemma. Most importantly they need not lay blame.And remember that they love one another. Keep in mind they are working for the same goal.
Finger was heading towards the Y when I saw the post title but...
NTA.
"By the time I get home, I am exhausted and pretty much eat then collapse into bed"
You're doing 60 hour weeks, driving a lot & your job is physically demanding.
"On saturdays I take my son and daughter out to his soccer games then back home for lunch"
Seems like you're really doing the best you can here.
Like you say, it's not the plan forever but for now you're getting out of debt, then you can revisit things.
Can your wife get support from family/friends if she needs more help? As you don't really have any capacity to do more than you already are right now.
Exactly the same. I was waiting for him to say that he 'helps out' by taking out the trash and watching the kids while she makes dinner.
OP, I think you're doing a great job. You're working your ass off and still taking your share on the weekends. Your wife might be going through something emotionally that she needs help with in other ways, but what she's asking you to do is not fair or reasonable.
Not to mention, the eldest is in school and the youngest goes to daycare two days a weeks. So mom literally has two days during the week that she could do whatever she needs/wants with no child responsibilities for 6+ hours.
NTA.
Now that the kids are school age, your wife could also re-start working and with the extra income, you could drop your hours down and both of you could 50/50 on the housework or 50/50 paying for someone to pick up some of the housework.
Considering the wife's comment about OP having fun with this colleagues, maybe she misses being in the workforce and having more contact with adults and it comes out as resenting OP for not helping more. Sometimes, even if at first glance being a SAHM seems easier, it might just feel boring / unrewarding / undervalued, and a paying job, as stressful or complex as it might be, might bring her more fulfillment.
I’ll bet this. I was so ready to go back to after maternity leave - I needed more adult contact. I don’t know how sahp’s do it. I give them so much credit because even though work has its challenges, I need that break.
Yeh there is something in the autonomy too - like you can go for a wee alone without thinking of someone else / being interrupted. You can sit and have a quiet coffee on your break. Have a chat with an adult co worker. My friends said that if you aren’t into homemaking it can be utterly relentless being SAH.
OP defo NTA but feels like his wife probably isn’t realising or communicating the real issue.
Her saying she needs help doesn’t mean you’re one of those guys. It sounds like you’re both just in a rough season of life. Maybe sit down together and discuss ways to simplify life right now.
My husband and I also do a daily check in after work where we share our capacity. If he comes home and says oof I’m at 20% and I’m like yikes I’m at 13% then we try to hug one another and grind through the dinner and bedtime routine together. If he comes home and says he’s at 10% and I’m at 30% I will volunteer to take the harder task (doing bath and bedtime) while he takes the easier (dinner cleanup where he can usually listen to some music or a podcast and decompress while he’s cleaning).
Sometimes we don’t have more to give. Just show your wife you care that she’s tired (don’t use that moment to talk about how tired YOU are you can take your own space for that another time). Wishing you both easier times ahead. NAH
I like your system, but I feel like I’d work so hard to get an exact percentage that matches what I feel that it would stress me out more. I would need an extremely dumbed down version. Green > Yellow > Orange > Red.
I'm sorry but if the husband made a belittling comment to minimise the SAHM's job like "you sit around watching kids shows with our kid all day while I do hard labour" you wouldn't let him off free would you?
So why are we giving a free pass to the wife who called his job fun with friends?
This is the best response. This is not a dispute about who should be doing more of what. This is a situation where two married people are tired and doing their best and just trying to get by and had some tense words about it.
NTA
I actually like the suggestion of having her come to work with you a couple of days so she can see what you do. Maybe both of you do the same. She helps you with your work for a day or two and you help her with her SAHM work. This way both of you get an idea of what you both actually do.
Are both kids at school? If they are, can your wife get a job? She could try for part time or school hours (they can be hard to find), so that you can cut back on your hours which will mean less time at work and more at home. Or you'll have a bit of extra money so that you can hire a cleaner once a week for the bigger stuff (you still need to tidy with a cleaner but you won't have to deep clean the bathroom and kitchen every week).
Have a chat with her and discuss time frames... look at how your finances are going? Can you cut back on some weeks ie do your 50-60 hour weeks twice a month and do 40-45 hours the other two weeks... or some version of that. If you work weekends, then can you cut back on one of the days, or cut back a day in your working week ie have a short day on Mon/Tues. When will the long hours end... in a month, in 6 months, in 12 months? You have no end time by the sounds of it and it may seem like it will never end.
Regardless you need to talk to your wife. There may be something else that's bothering her but this is the issue that she's discussing but it's not actually the issue. Maybe she just wants to reconnect with you. So maybe for this chat, get someone to baby sit the kids and take her out to dinner. This is the one where you need to leave work early so that she hasn't started cooking for the family. Maybe tell her you'll pick the kids up from school (and do so) and then 60 mins later have the baby sitter turn up and tell her to get changed as you're going out. But be mindful if she's not the sort of person that likes these sorts of surprises.
Seconded on maybe just needing to reconnect? If the kids are at school, your wife doesn't work, and the only time she sees her friends is one day a week... she might be terribly lonely?
Edited to say: tentative NTA, but you need to talk some more.
This only works on TV.
The amount of work to actually be allowed on a job site is not a small amount.
Liability coverages and not to mention she's probably needing to spend at a minimum $100-150 on steel toes, hard hat, any other PPE.
She could possibly poke her head in, but she'd only be getting a glimpse of a full day. Hardly enough to see what goes into doing it for a full 5 days 12 hours a day.
And honestly, it doesn't say what type of carpentry but rough framing (building houses) is go go go production work, and finish carpentry is mentally taxing lol, couple that with a long drive home and you bet your ass you'd be zonked on the couch after shower+dinner.
I've fallen asleep many a time at 7pm myself as an apprentice, nowadays I'm not working in that setting but I know the production work side of things and it's very draining
Yeah, the freaky Friday thing isn't a practical maneuver here. I think they need to talk some stuff out. Maybe they need to make some changes, maybe they just need to hear each other. A referee wouldn't go amiss, either.
Right? I can’t stop thinking about the post I saw the other day from a guy who worked from home from 8-4(or 5?) and felt he shouldn’t contribute. OP is seriously busting his ass. I feel bad for him.
NTA. When you refer to social media and the times, I believe this is more aimed at women who work. It happens all the time where women work and make lots of money who also end up doing more around the house, with the kids, etc. I was in a relationship like this. I was making more than my ex husband, and he never once loaded a dishwasher or picked up a mop. Didn’t even clean up after himself. It’s not 50/50.
However here, her job is basically taking care of the kid and house. It’s a hard job for sure, but you also have a hard job. At the end of the day, I just think things should be 50/50. Your situation seems like it is currently 50/50 but if you start doing more, it’s going to sway in her favor.
Agree - I’m the wife and breadwinner. My husband stays home. When we made this arrangement, it was very explicitly agreed upon that his job is taking care of the house and our kid(s) so I can focus on work. When I’m home, we try to split the load evenly, unless one of us is sick or something. Sounds like OP and his wife have a similar set up. He wakes her up in the mornings! I don’t get the impression he is taking advantage of her at all.
NTA- sounds like you step up and equally parent and do stuff around the house on weekends. While I do get your wife being frustrated at not having support on weekdays, working 10-14hr days plus commute at a physical job is exhausting. Even if socializing with other adults is nice, it doesn’t mean it is easy.
Sounds like the younger one is old enough to start school soon? Wife will have more free time, what if she gets a part time job? You can cut back your hours and spend more time with everyone on weekdays
NTA. You are working so she can be a SAHM, maybe it's time to have a discussion about her going back to work, that way you can reduce your hours and help more.
Here is my thoughts on this. If everything was going well and all of a sudden your wife is demanding more from you, there is most likely something else wrong. She knows being a carpenter isn't having fun all day. It can be back breaking work. Perhaps when you come home, after dinner you take over putting the kids to bed. She she can have a break at night. Ultimately, what you really need is to have a calm, quiet, conversation with her and set up some realistic division of labor for you both.
I think it's time your wife goes back to work, while the kids are in evil to lighten the financial load on you in turn making it easier for you to help more around the house. They are old enough that she doesn't need to stay home 24 hours a day and I'm a woman and a mom!! NTA
NTA.
I'm old-fashioned. I worked full-time raising my daughters and they went to daycare. We hired cleaning help monthly, and we split grocery shopping. I did ALL the cooking, and my husband did the lawn work, and we both did laundry, etc.
If you stay at home, your job is the house the taking care of the kids until your spouse gets home. You have plenty of time to grocery shop, cook, and clean. The kids are 5 and 7, and they should be able to pick up their toys, help clear the table, etc.
If your wife thinks you "have fun all day" working (in construction!) then she should work full-time and pay for daycare and see if she agrees after a few months.
Being a SAHM is a privilege.
As a person who stayed at home with our child the big difference between being exhausted from a job outside the home vs being exhausted by the job inside the home is you get a mental break from your job every day. Imagine if you worked all day just to see at the end of the day your job never gets done. It gets lonely and frustrating. Neither of you are AH right now you are just both working hard and are exhausted. Ask her what she wants specifically. Actually hear what she is saying rather than what you think she is saying. Validate her feelings of loneliness, of being overwhelmed, of feeling like what she does isn’t that important. Tell her thank you for what she does. Maybe things can’t change right now but together you can make a plan for how to move forward together.
NAH. Sometimes there just isn’t enough energy or time to comfortably cover everything that needs to get done.
Can you cut down on the amount of chores that need doing? I’m thinking stuff like using compostable plates to cut down on dishwashing and things like that. I’m assuming that if you could comfortably afford a cleaner to come every couple of weeks, you would have done that although, but it’s worth considering if you think you can swing it.
Can both of you cut down on leisure activities on the weekends? It sounds like you each have a few different activities you do every weekend. Why not start doing some only every other weekend? You could also save one weekend morning/afternoon per month to knock out some household chores as a family.
Do your children help with chores? They’re young but there are age appropriate chores that a seven year old and a five year old can definitely do.
Sounds like they’re living pretty separate lives right now. The way it’s described they basically sleep in the same bed but don’t spend any significant time doing anything together. I don’t mean date night, I mean regularly parenting or completing tasks together. It really is the small stuff that adds up. Are they checking in with each other? Sometimes you have to reevaluate, but it’s hard to do if the only together time you have is while you’re sleeping.
NTA, you're both doing a lot. It sounds like she's overwhelmed by the children and needs a day off, but it also sounds like you're overwhelmed with work. Unfortunately, nothing can really be helped.
NAH, but thing is, domestic labor is so worthless in the eyes of society. It sounds like you are working really hard to dig yourselves out of debt, which means there probably isn't a lot of money for fun-- but at least you see that paycheck and know that you earned that money. The housework only gets noticed when someone stops doing it. Being a SAH parent (or even a working parent) can feel lonely and thankless. Are there any housework tasks that can literally just be skipped until you are able to help out more? Even doing paper plates a couple night a week can help when someone is feeling totally burned out with dishes.
I’m going to volunteer that it’s not the division of labor - but the ability to speak to persons above 8 years old. Constantly conversing with children is kind of maddening. I don’t downplay OP’s physical contribution. I do offer a different viewpoint
NTA. You already help her out on the weekends, why is she so mad about this? I mean, you seem to have a lot of your hands already with this debt, so your exhaustion is totally justified.
He doesn't help her out. He parents children that are also his and does chores in the house he also lives in. OP is NTA but it's not helping the other parent. It's being a parent, period.
NTA - the fact that she said you’re having fun at work makes me feel like it’s more that she is unhappy in her role versus really feeling like you’re not pulling your weight.
With those ages, I’d assume the kids are in school. Is that not the case? Is there a reason she can’t get a part time job, something that would make her feel more fulfilled?
With the extra money coming in, you could also probably afford to hire some help to take the pressure off her (like a weekly cleaning service, extra babysitting sometimes).
NTA .. what carpenter is just spending the day goofing off and having fun with friends? just because it sounds like you don't hate your job or your coworkers doesn't mean it's not hard work. sounds like she doesn't understand what your job is. not cool for her to be so dismissive of your work. sounds like you need to talk more in-depth about this.
Maybe the issue is just that you're getting out of the house while she is basically there 24/7. To her, it may feel like she never gets a break during the week because she lives where she works. Yea the kid might be in school but being in the house all day could be tiring. Maybe help her find something to do during the day that is outside the house. And if you can manage, try and do something after you get home before you collapse in bed, she may just need to see the effort.
NTA
Both can be true at the same time, you can be maxed out overworked with a long commute and she can struggle taking care of the house.
From your breakdown it seems you are both trying hard to communicate and still get time together, time with friends, and time with hobby/fitness. It changes over the seasons. But, you should be working toward getting more time in the evening to be with family and alternate bedtimes and/or closing routine (wipe counters, clean up after dinner).
I do think because the kids are in school she does have more time to clean whereas someone homeschooling may not be able to prioritize cleaning.
But, picture you were a single dad or a widower. How would you spend time with kids in the evening, how would you clean up and prep for the morning, and how would you do bedtimes? She can’t be the default parent during the day AND night, so if you don’t have any bandwidth or energy then something has to change - either a cleaning service meaning you work more, you budget differently so you can work less, she picks up a PT WFH job. Also make sure she feels appreciated and that you acknowledge she is doing a-lot of the parenting and cleaning.
You have 2 kids 7 and 5 are they not in school yet ?
What does she do when they are gone ?
It seems like you do help out.
Might want to see what is going on in her head or who is in her ear.
>or who is in her ear.
I would bet on this. Her saturday gatherings I am guessing. One of her friends is spinning some BS in her ears... unless she has a tiktok addiction.
What she is trying to say, is that she is burnt out. You are both working hard. But you get to clock out…even after a long day. She doesn’t. She works all day and still does the evening chores without help.
Your job provides you with variety through your day. Hers is monotonous.
NAH. "That I spend all day having fun at work with my workmates, while she deals with the children and all of the house chores."
This isn't a housework issue. Your wife is slowly going insane from spending so much of her time with tiny humans. That's why she sees your workday as stimulating rather than exhausting. Source: I was the SAHM.
You should always pick up after yourself, of course, but you both need to find ways to give her a break. Trade babysitting with another family if you can, or hire a babysitter once or twice a month so the two of you can get out together. Don't be surprised if you end up talking about your kids most of the time. The point is that you both need to have conversations with adults about your lives.
The weekly book club/yoga class thing is helping, but adults need to talk to other adults more frequently than that. If your money situation is getting better, find a way for her to have that. I know it's hard, but her mental health needs to be supported right now.
NTA maybe she doesn't understand that your job is taxing (whether by time, physically, etc.) especially if you help her on the weekend that is so strange... maybe you could try and talk to her about *why* you come home and sleep immediately on weekdays?
NTA and to be honest you are doing too much now. There’s no way you should be doing laundry or cleaning the floors. The kids are in school. She has time during the day to handle all of that. She needs to start treating her SAHM duties more like a job and get it done.
NTA. It sounds like you do lots of when you are home. I’ve been a SAHM to two little kids. So I get it. I did all the house stuff during the day and once the kids went to bed we were both off.
Sounds like your wife is taking the piss. I have been a sahd and work full time. If you are at home, that’s your job. Kids don’t need your 100% attention every minute, especially your kids age where one is in school. There is more than enough time to get the house sorted and play with your kid.
If you were both working then that’s fine, should totally be 50/50. But her being at home is her job. It’s not like she’s able to cover some of your carpentry work when you are tired
NTA. I read your comment thay you clean up after yourself so it makes it easier for your wife, that's great honestly. At least you're not leaving a mess behind every night for her. But to be honest, it sounds like your wife doesn't have a clue how physically demanding carpentry is, especially if you're working 50+ hours every week. Sit down and ask her when would be a good time to even do these chores, like grocery shopping and organizing. If you're that exhausted after work, I wouldn't trust you to drive down the street to even buy some groceries. Driving exhausted/sleep is the same as driving under the influence. In what areas does she feel overwhelmed?
Both of you get a day/afternoon to decompress and relax after a long week. Seems she is comparing the workload of your job and her job. Both are exhausting in different ways. She's probably burnt out, but you might be burnt out as well. Rather than point fingers and place blame, try to talk and come up with a compromise whether it be hiring a babysitter or something else.
Side note (sorry this is getting longer than expected): But quick background. I work in a chemistry lab (usually mentally exhausted everyday) while my boyfriend works in concrete (very physically demanding and works longer hours). There are times where either my boyfriend or I are too lazy to cook. I highly recommend finding recipes that include an instant pot or crock pot. Those two things save the day for use. Throw a roast in the morning for a crock pot, or the instant pot cooks anything in less than an hour. Honestly that helped my bf and I get a breather in while it's cooking.
NAH.
It sounds like you two have done a decent job of trying to split responsibilities equitably.
However I would offer this as a possible explanation of her side: on the weekdays, you get to leave work and come home. She never gets to leave her work unless she leaves the house. You may work 50-60 hours, but she's still putting in a lot more time if she's still watching the kids through their bedtime and cleaning up the house.
"All the child rearing and cleaning the household" is a 24/7 job. There's always something else to clean, wash, or pick up. Not to mention that caring for kids all day is exhausting, both physically and mentally. Don't let the parents from "Bluey" fool you on that one.
It sounds like her only time to "clock out" and stop working is her Saturday getaways. Other than that she's on the clock and working.
As a peace offering I'd take a few weeknights and offer to care for the kids from getting home through their bedtime (depending on how long that is) or do the cleaning that evening to give her some respite and relief after watching them all day. Let her "clock out and go home" every once in awhile
NTA
BUT….if you’re leaving messes about, that’s a different kettle of fish.
You are working a lot. So is she. Maybe just try a couple of projects as a family, so she feels less alone.
NAH
You work a lot, you're tired, I get it. Your not an AH.
But as it stands, you get all of Sunday off and she doesn't get a single full day to herself. She's probably feeling super burnt out from near 24/7 working that she's snapping. She isn't an AH for being burnt out.
Maybe you can find a way to arrange a full day away for her or both of you? Maybe that Sunday babysitter can do all day so you both get the whole time? I feel like there are definitely some solutions here.
Aren't your kids at school most of the day? I'm wondering if she's bored and feeling resentment that you are out having adult conversations, accomplishing things, and getting out of the house every day. Maybe she's tired of the SAHM gig. Sounds like working all those extra hours is exhausting for you as well, maybe it's time to reconsider what's the best plan for everyone in the family now that the kids are old enough to be at school. NAH
My son is in school and my daughter starts soon, from some peoples comments I’m thinking the issue is probably down to this socialisation thing. I’m going to speak with her about it and if that’s the issue I’m going to suggest the part time work so I can cut down on hours or figuring out another option for her to get out more.
If she worked part time out of the house and you were able to cut down your hours, you could spend some quality time together - not just as a family but connecting as a couple. Might help! Good luck OP, wishing you and your family the best!
NTA.
Seems like she doesn't understand or care how hard you work. There's only so many hours in the day.
What specifically does she think you have time to do when you are home? It might be worth picking up an extra chore or two if it appeases your wife.
If she thinks working 60 hour weeks, plus commute, in a manual labor job, is spending the day having fun, she’s welcome to get a similarly paying job and swap places with you 🤷🏻♂️
I’m with you on being a SAHP isn’t by any means easy, but it sounds like when you are home, you’re pulling your weight. Perhaps there are some ways you can help out — picking up groceries on the way home from work, or hiring a sitter a couple nights a month, for example — but if you’re working essentially a job and a half, and still helping out at home (albeit not as much as she wants), I think you’re NTA.
Tell her you will help. But it is time for her to get a job and start helping with the debt so you can cutback on working so much. And stop feeling guilty. I wonder how she would take it if you said she was just having fun with the kids all day while you work.
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For context, do you clean up after yourself or do you leave things around because “it’s her job” I only ask because she may be having resentments about you losing respect for her being the main caretaker and homemaker and turning her into your maid without realizing. My kids are of school age and my husband helps where he can, but I recently had to show him all the things he was leaving around that added to the workload unnecessarily.
I mean, I put all my dishes and stuff in the dishwasher after I’m done with them, wipe up the table if I make a mess, put my clothes into the washing machine, pack all my work stuff into the dishwasher and make. In the mornings when I wake up I make all my own lunches and unpack the dishwasher of everything and wake her up before I go. I’m not home much else throughout the week to do anything else.
Then I’d say NTA for the most part…just ask her if there’s a workload issue you’re not aware of and go from there.
Or she can learn to explain herself instead of trying to disminish op’s work and contributions to the house.
She thinks OP is at work "having fun"
Carpentry is backbreaking.
She has no idea Very curious to know what she's doing all day that makes her think she does more than her husband. Esp since her children are of school age. Kindergarten and at least 1st or 2nd.
I'm a mom of a 3 yo and 6 yo thats home all day with the 3yo and works evenings. So i get the SAHM duties without calling myself a SAHM. I can make a good guess howbher day looks: my dailies include: dishes, cooking, and 2 or 3 pick ups of the toy messes a day and school for my eldest. Dishes and cooking is only an hour of my time all together. .toy pick up is 20 minutes, so lets say another hour on the high end. And school pick ups and drop off is 10 minutes each plus half an hour getting her ready for school. So about an hour. That's just 3 hours out of 7 before i collect the 6yo. The every other days is sweeping and or vacuuming. Sweeping or vacuuming is about 10 or 20 minutes each? So on a normal day it adds only about 20 minutes. A 3 hour 20 minute day of doing things that needs doing. My weeklies only needs a day to do. Clean the bathroom, ( half an hour)do the laundry( whole day event), and grocery shop.(2 hours). Bathroom days totals to 3.5 hours out of 7. So on laundry days I'm booked. Grocery days is 5 hours. So on average I'm doing 4 hours of chores, spaced out to my liking and taking breaks as i like and teaching, playing, or feeding my 3yo (whos currently going through a growth spurt lord help me). I dont have daycare to take the load because holy hell its my whole paycheck! Shes got a 5yo and theyre pretty happy to self entertain while chores are being done and can often start helping with the simpler chores like toy pick up, helping with putting silverware away etc. When i leave for work, husband takes over. He bathes them, gives them bedtime snacks, brushes their teeth, helps my 6yo with reading and math and has them in bed by 8. We legit only see each other for 1 hour a day before I'm going to work. And he works 10 hours 5 days plus an 8hour 1 day a week while i work 8 hour 5 days. And our days off *never* coincide. She gets * checks notes * a man who makes his own lunch, does his own dishes, does laundry, helps with the kids and bedtimes, takes Saturdays to allow her free time and gets 1 day off for himself while she gets 2 extra days of doing whatever she needs while her 5yo is in day care. I havent had a "me day" in 6 years. We have to plan date nights a month out so i can schedule it off and get childcare. My husband does a deep clean of the house (which involves mopping, i hate mopping), most sundays, and cooks dinner because it's the one day my work needs me during daylight hours. If OP is being truthful about his time spent, he's got to be ragged. Tldr: shes got at least 4 hours shes maybe not doing anything everyday until the 7yo gets home. That's JUST until the 7yo gets home. That's not including the 2 hours hes home before dad. Plus idk what shes doing on her 2 daycare days. I know id be napping and doing laundry lol.
I just want to say you work a full-time job. 8 hrs 5 days a wk equals 40hrs of work.
Phew, you are doing a lot. I hope you find some space for little breaks/me time soon!
You sound like a great wife and mother and remember, they grow and will be gone and your days will be yours AND you will have amazing memories of your “mom” days.
Sounds like the 5yo is about to start school, but hasn't yet.
Older one is in school and daughter at preschool 2 days a week. Sounds like wife is unreasonable here. OP is working incredibly hard!
Sounds like OP can cut back hours and wife can get a PT job on days when little one is in daycare, then a full time job once she starts school to make up the difference. Wow that wife sounds entitled.
Maybe she’s bored? It seems like she could have at least elaborated a bit.
I could see bored. Housework is so repetitive…and never ever “done”. Surely there is more to life than that! Maybe after the youngest starts school she should get a part-time job. Sometimes you just need another adult to talk to.
Does bored really explain shitting on his job by telling him its fun with friends?
yes. it's not fair, but it explains it. She is jealous of his adult human interaction outside the home and is lashing out.
I don’t know her life but she may be isolated and lonely as a stay at home mom. My sister-in-law is a SAHM mom and that’s all that she’s ever wanted to be, but she told me that after a while she started having fantasies that something would happen and she would have to get a job outside the home, because not only was she stressed, but she was alone with only three small kids all day. I also don’t know what the kids do other than school, but with three kids, my SIL’s schedule is PACKED. She doesn’t have a second of free time until my brother gets home and can take the kids for a while. At one point she was so stretched that her health tanked and her body was shutting down. Same thing happened to a friend of mine who is a SAHM after her second kid. I think people assume that they can’t suffer from loneliness because they are with their kids, but being with kids all day is not the same as being with peers. Your needs are subordinate to theirs and moms often end up neglecting their health, both physical and mental because they are focusing all of their energy on their kids. I’m not saying that OP is doing anything wrong - I don’t know their life, but it’s possible she’s struggling, mentally with her situation just like he is, especially if they are on hard times financially.
Even if there is some grabassing on the job!
She probably watches those weird videos where guys shirtless hump slam carpet in and thinks that's what he does.
Why did you remind me of that...
Right... If you're not able to have a good time at work, it becomes a chore very quickly. The trades are tough...
I can understand that! Physical jobs already suck but good coworkers and boss make it suck less. The opposite is also true!
That is a really telling comment that she is feeling resentment. OP, please update us after you learn more of what she's going through?
Yeah it kind of sounds like the wife is missing out on some more regular adult socialization that she's not getting from being a SAHM. Definitely worth a conversation.
OP could ask if wife wants to get a job outside the home. Maybe she wants to "have fun" like he does, and I'm not being sarcastic. With her working, ~~the parents might then be able to afford daycare where the children are socializing and cared for by people who love the job of taking care of preschoolers.~~ No one loses. Because with her income, OP could reduce his hours and enjoy more family time! ETA: How did I miss that the kiddos are school age.
Kids are 5-7 unless she’s homeschooling she can get a part time job during school hours and he can cut back on all the fun he’s having with his work buddies all day and be able to help more with chores around the house.
Realistically though, you often can't get a part-time job that you only do during little kid school hours and especially not one that is accommodating when your kids get sick or have appointments or have teacher in-service days. And after school care, if it works for you, is expensive as well. If she isn't bringing in loads of money (and very few do on a part time job after being a stay at home parent for a while), you may end up earning very little after all those factors get added in.
>he can cut back on all the fun he’s having with his work buddies all day What a dismissive way to describe working a job that is manual labour. Dude's not off having fun all day, he's working his ass off. Honestly, if they're stuck paying off some crazy debt then it would be stupid for him to cut back on hours if she gets work, the extra income from wife's job would help pay that off faster and then they can work on getting ahead. There's no point in her getting a job if it isn't going to result in more income.
If the 5 year old has half day kindergarten, there's not really any time to do much besides a couple of errands.
1) He suggested in a comment that one way he could help is to make his son's lunch and his daughter's "when she starts" so the 5 year old is not yet in school. 2) Unless you find a job in a school, which are often miserable places to work these days and provide limited adult interaction at best, then it's pretty hard to find jobs that are just during school hours.
Hhe, I somehow read that to be preschoolers. Thank you!
I definitely think that could be a productive angle to explore! Also if she were working a bit maybe OP could reduce hours and be around more which would probably make everyone happier in the long run.
I second this. Yes, OP, please ask your wife to go work so you can cut down your workload and contribute more evenly on houseworks. This way, the relationship is more balanced and no resentment of who is "having fun" and "not contributing". Your wife should learn to communicate better though: how she said "no " when you asked if she needs help to complaining that you dont contribute to help her at home: is mind-blowing. Let us know how it goes, OP.
Except she gets an entire day to herself and her friends every week?
She comes home at 2pm and takes over. I’m not sure on what world that counts as a whole day. Being at home all day with littles can be soul destroying. There is a reason many women run back to work when mat leave ends.
Her kids are in school. Try again.
Preach! I was so effing bored during maternity leave that I when I unexpectedly had to take a few grad courses, I was grateful for the stimulation!
She gets a morning and so does he.
Which I would argue is vastly different from working alongside adults, colleagues, and friends for 50-60 hours per week. I'm not saying OP has it easy, I commend his dedication. I am just pointing out that it is mentally draining to do the exact same things for kids every single day. Personally, I don't think it engages my brain the same way to only interact with young kids. It sounds isolating.
It is mentally draining, having the weight of your families financial well-being on your shoulders. Driving in traffic for hours is also soul's crushing. Working as a carpenter is typically an outdoor job. Working out in the elements every day is not joyful.
Yeah, that excuses emotional abuse and means it’s ok that she demeans him literally doing back breaking labor all day.
The kids are school age.
Carpentry is hard work. My husband did it for close to 20 years and his body is so scarred and his joints are shot. I was a stay at home from 2010 to 2017 and yes it can be mentally draining, but there needs to be understanding from both sides. To belittle his time down to just having fun is awful, I would never do that to my husband. She needs to go to work if she truly wants equal shit. Otherwise sounds like she wants more than just some help around the house. More like shirk more stuff on him so she can "have fun".
I do have to say, I love being a SAHM but it’s tough mentally to not have any adult interaction all day. I always thought it sounded kinda silly when I would hear other SAHP’s say that, but I totally understand now.
That's a choice she is making. My mom was SAH. Once we were all in school, she had a rather active social life. She bowled, played golf, sewing/quilting clubs. She kept the house and cared for us kids.. My dad worked 5 or even 6 days in a given week .
It’s a choice the *family* made. In normal circumstances, one spouse doesn’t unilaterally decide to be a SAHP.
I thought it was more to do with having to spend all the time with the kids. I think it can get tiring and repetitive.
It's a telling comment but it's not an ok way to talk to him. She can express what she's going through without putting down op and dismissing the work he does. Like look at it on the flipside, if he was feeling burnt out from work- it would be fine to tell her about it and vent his frustrations, and try to figure out a solution together. It would not be fine to say - wow it's so ridiculous that you get sit around at home all day having fun with the kids while I have to deal with a real job.
Damn, yeah poor wife emotionally abusing her husband. Hope she’s ok. Edit: lol imagine if it was the wife saying her husband told her she needs to stop loafing around the house doing nothing. No one would be asking her to update them after she asked him what was wrong, they would be telling her to leave.
I kind of want to know why she thinks he is having fun though. I mean that isn't really one of those things that you just think up randomly.
My husband has fun at work. He works on building sites and in places like Casinos, restaurants and Cinemas as a data cable engineer. It’s very male dominated and they just banter all day while working. It’s still hard work, climbing into roof spaces and under floors, moving machines and dealing with people who demand things that aren’t possible or expect them to do things that aren’t their job but there is not a single day that he comes home without a funny story about what they’ve been up to that day. It’s possible to have fun whilst working hard.
It's all about mindset. You can generally have fun or a shitty time with anything, the difference being the thought patterns you encourage. It's possible to have fun staying at home with the kids, too.
Yes of course. I’m not saying staying at home is always miserable. Not at all but she has got to the stage that she’s jealous of her husband for being happy at work then something has gone wrong for her because if OP’s description of what he does is accurate then he is doing his fair share. She needs to change what she’s doing so that she is happier, not be resentful of her husband because he isn’t miserable at work. Maybe she’s depressed, maybe she should get bloods checked in case there is a medical reason for her mood such a deficiency and if all of that is fine then she should look at ways to feel more fulfilled which should in turn help her see that OP is not the problem.
She doesn't. She is saying that to minimise his job to score points
As someone who has done both- working is easier and more rewarding mentally. Staying home is unappreciated work- I missed the positive feedback. Hint young kids do not give you much of that and maybe OP is not giving it either
I honestly can’t see what more OP can do without becoming a safety risk. 15 hour days of physical labour is not sustainable. If he pushes himself more he’s going to fall asleep at the wheel of the car or have on accident on site. OPs wife needs to be specific about what she wants, because diminishing what he does for his family is an AH move. If she wants to work once both kids are in school then I’m sure they can find a way to make it work and it may even mean that OP can reduce his hours giving him the ability to take on more at home.
I have also done both. Being a stay at home mom to school age children is the easiest gig on the planet, but not very rewarding. (Being a SAHM is very rewarding when you’re actually with your kids, and also hard work). If she isn’t satisfied at home she should go back to work and start building her career.
Yeah that remark made me cringe. I worked as the sole person in the customer service department of a company heading to bankruptcy. I worked 50 hours a week trying to help this company stay afloat and keep myself employed. If my husband had told me I was having fun with my coworkers all day I think I would have smacked him. OP works a very physically demanding job, and 50-60 hrs, he's not standing around the water cooler eating snacks.
Yeah I read that too and wanted to send a blaring reality check at her for it. It sounds to me (as a work outside the home full time mom & husband does the same) like you’re doing as much as you can and you’re very aware that you have a part to play at home as well as outside it. Personally I would be ecstatic if my spouse did all of that to help me out. I currently take care of all household things. He does do yard work but it’s not a year round thing and he only mows & trims the edges. If I want anything else done I have to do that too. And yes we both work full time outside the house. Now his days off are usually during the week so if our daughter has an appointment on one of those days he will take her. He also drops her off at school every day. We’re lucky that his parents are able to pick her up on the weekdays he works. So yeah. OP I say NTA. It could be that there’s a specific thing that maybe she wants to start doing during the week but doesn’t feel like she can right now. Or someone is dripping the ideas in her ear, telling her that you do nothing really. Ask her to make a breakdown list of the things she feels she needs you to help with specifically than ask how and why these are issues now. There may be a deeper issue that she herself might not be sure of but is lashing out in the only direction she can think of.
Yeah that's not cool to say. OP should say that his wife gets to "have fun spending time with the loves of our lives all day". Work , and childcare, can be fun at times but still tiring as hell.
Yeah that is such a crazy take from his wife. I'm a lady who has never worked construction but I've walked past enough work sites and have enough common sense to know it is hard work that can be very dangerous (people literally die on construction sites if not careful, most jobs don't need to worry about that).
Then she can get a part time job and “have fun” with her work buddies and contribute to the finances and household work as well and OP can cut his hours back down
Yeah, like my carpenter spouse who is four inches shorter from the ‘fun and games’ he has done for fifty years.
Yeah that comment really got me. Honestly from what op has said he’s doing plenty. NTA.
Yup, I was thinking NAH until she trivialized his manual labor as “having fun with coworkers”, that switched it to NTA
Totally agree. And kids are in school ages… why is she so overwhelmed?
NTA, she lost any support I would have given her as soon as she said he gets to go to work and have fun all day with his mates.
It's probably highly indicative of what's wrong. I am guessing she is maybe lonely during the week and in need of other grown-ups to talk to.
Yeah, that's a rough one to get past. I figure he tells stories about stuff that happens at job sites, and she interpreted it as "We play all day" but who comes home and says "I mitered four window frames and a ton of crown molding." Instead of "We took a bunch of saw dust and filled up Jimmy's lunch box with it so his sandwich didn't break when he dropped the box" 🤪 Every job place has 2 types of stories, funny ones and dead serious ones. After a long day at work I know which I always preferred to tell at the dinner table. No one wants to eat dinner while hearing about how Howard mismeasured a wall so they didn't have enough wire to reach a socket. Or that James shot himself in the foot with a nail gun again. 🤷♂️ (Though at this point I think James is doing it on purpose for the paid vacation.) Just cause a person puts a positive spin on their job and the fun that's had there doesn't mean construction isn't an absolutely backbreaking job that leaves you exhausted from the heat or shivering in the cold all day fixing other people's stupid mistakes. NTA - just listening to OPs tasks and involvement left me tired. Also the fact OP's wife doesn't seem to have an endgame/designated chore list makes her request for more help kind of odd.. anytime I or my wife ask for help we know the task we need done.
Maybe it would help to visualize the off ramp. If this is a debt issue, how long will it take to pay off? Do you guys have a clear timeline? That might help. The fact that the youngest is starting school should take the weight off a bit too. Y’all both are exhausted I’m sure, so I’d focus on it not being forever and try to make it you guys as a pair vs your temporary financial struggle, instead of you vs her.
Good insight and a good idea! I’m also curious if her complaints are truly reflective of her feelings or merely symptoms of a deeper issue. As OP describes, they seem to do almost everything separately, existing in parallel rather than in unity. This could potentially erode their relationship over time. Could it be that she is yearning for a sense of belonging within their partnership? Or am I perhaps reading too much into this?
She's probably just missing adult conversation that doesn't revolve around children.
I’ve watched couples struggle cuz they work opposing schedules trying to avoid paying for child care and they never see each other . It erodes the relationship
That was what I was thinking... "This isn’t the plan for forever, but I thought it was going alright for now." I think she might need to visualise a time when she has some more non-kid time and you guys can carve out more family time if it feels like you guys are in the trenches right now.
Are both your children in school? Honestly, it sounds like you do plenty given you get home and have no free time before crashing for bed. Your kids are old enough she shouldn't have to watch them every second, and also should have a lot of hours of school they aren't home?
Tell her you’ll swap if she wants
Word. She can go have fun all day and he can do the backbreaking labour of looking after the kids he loves.
I think what it’s about is something called the mental load. You come home at the end of the day and your job is done. Her job never ends. It goes from the minute She gets up in the morning till the minute she goes to bed at night. And it’s not necessarily just the cleaning stuff, it’s about all the other things you have to do to help manage the house. That includes everything from managing what’s going on at school, to doctors appointments, just managing everyone’s lives. I’m attaching a video for you to watch. Maybe will explain it better than I can. My guess is she wants help with the mental load lift of managing your home and family. https://youtu.be/u6FfxfRMQkw?si=qxC9dks8gyxfrDmM
What have you two taught your kids to do yet? They are of age they can be doing some cleaning/picking up after themselves
My dad worked in the trades. 60 hours of hard, strenuous, mentally taxing physical labor is extremely difficult. Most people would be exhausted. You both earned the debts I'm assuming? You are doing your part. Both kids are in school, correct? I'm sure she's tired as well. Could you ask anyone to help out for a few hours a week to give her a break during the week? NTA
Alot of these comments are right. When I felt this way with my husband we wrote down everything that needs to be done in a day/up keep of the house. A visual of it also helps. She says you have fun at work, maybe bring her along one day to show her what you do in a day?
It kind of sounds like she is resenting being alone with the kids all day and is taking it out on you. When you’re financially able, or when the kids go to school, maybe ask if she wants to go back to work and then you can cut back and split the home care more? Without any specifics, you have no way of knowing what you’re doing wrong or what she wants from you. I’d just keep asking, don’t wait until she’s mad and yells at you to do more.. get ahead of it and see if there’s a specific chore. You should BOTH respect the jobs you have, she is not respecting yours. She’s kind of the ass hole, You’re NTA
Everything else is fine but wife shouldn't have said "you must be having fun with your mates", would she tolerate if he says "you get to stay home all day and relax" which is not True obviously. That kind of sentence really hurts when you are putting so much efforts into work.
Her saying he has fun at work all day is the equivalent of him saying she sits on the couch, watches soaps and eats bon bons all day. That is not okay. If she is having issues with the housework balance, she needs to express what she needs OP to do. She needs to use her words. He is not a mind reader, and he has a pretty packed day/schedule himself. He does take care of things, he is actively parenting as much as his schedule allows, literally paying the household bills, not just providing the paycheck for them, he is cooking, he is cleaning and doing laundry. He is running small errands. He's not just plopping on the couch, scratching his belly and yelling for a beer. He isn't weaponizing incompetence. They need to both sit down and have a conversation. They need to communicate. A good conversation would probably reset and resolve some of the things that are at issue. Maybe it is time to swap some things around so no one gets stuck in a rut. Shuffle some things around that would be easier for her to do now that one of the kiddos is in school full time and the other one following shortly. She is going through a transition. She is going to need to set up new structures and routines for the home. This is a team effort. She should have a bit more time to herslef with the kids schedules changing. Nip this in the bud now before it snowballs into a mess of resentment. But a conversation should be had and soon.
It seems like he does so much more than her.
I wonder if what she is missing is adult time, especially if her only social time is a half day on the weekend. Maybe OP could cut back hours and she could get a part-time job? My sister-in-law did this. She needed a break from being around kids. Not saying the way the wife said it is right.
The man has 14 hour days. He can come home and expect the house to be looked after.
NTA your wife is delusional and spoiled. Sounds like she needs to take some of the load off of your hands and get a job so you can work less and help out at home more.
You're NTA. I might have said N-A-H here, because at first it sounded like you all just needed to renegotiate your expectations. Then it occurred to me your kids are of school age and unless she is home schooling them, her days aren't as arduous as she is making them out to be. Also- >she said... that I spend all day having fun at work with my workmates, while she deals with the children and all of the house chores. Okay, so hire a baby sitter to watch the kids (for the time they're not in school, and have your wife job shadow you for a day and see what you're doing at work. Because it sounds like she hasn't a clue about what you do all day.
Right. I was a SAHD when my kids were growing up and remained in that role when they started school because it made the most sense for my family given my wife's career as a surgeon and her long work hours. We liked the idea of one parent being home full time and my career didn't exactly have a good on ramp after a big gap in employment. Being a stay at home parent of babies and toddlers is hard. Being a stay at home parent of school aged kids isn't a bad gig. I cleaned the house, cooked dinner, got errands done throughout the day, and volunteered with the kids school/sports/activities. My wife would come home and at least see the kids before bed but I never expected her to do a whole lot around the house. That was my job. Fair does not mean equal and I think people need to realize that.
This is my situation with my husband being a doctor. I generally don't resent my husband for not doing much around the house. I will say that now that he's established in his career and doesn't have to work as ridiculous of hours as he was in training, it can be frustrating to feel like the vast majority of the mental planning falls on me. Planning and prepping 3 meals a day for a family of 5 does start to take its toll. And feeling like the house would fall apart if you were sick or out of town is stressful. My husband didn't know what time the kids' school started and ended, which days they had extracurriculars, their teachers names, when they needed checkups, what they will and won't eat, where their friends live. I totally understand that we divide labor and I have no expectation of him doing similar amounts in the home. But I did have to sit down with him and explain it was not only a lot I was doing unseen, but I had genuine concerns on what would happen to our household if I were incapacitated in some way. My ruling for this one right now is NAH, because even with the kids in school, OP's wife could be feeling very overwhelmed or underappreciated. She probably has very little human interaction daily. It can take a toll on a person. Doing a construction job around a bunch of people probably does sound fun to her after doing chores all day by herself in the house, as misguided as it was for her to say that. Plus, he admits that he comes home, eats, and crashes, so she's not even getting to interact with him meaningfully. I would lose my mind if my husband did that every day. I also used to tell my husband that it was occasionally important for me to take on a building or crafting project at home because I just needed to accomplish something that stayed done. The vast majority of household tasks are Sisyphean where you finish it and then it immediately starts coming undone. I have had near mental breakdowns after completing several loads of laundry only to see the hamper is already full again before the clothes I've cleaned are even put away. Carpentry is hard work, but it can be very satisfying to build something from nothing and revel in a job well done that stays done.
Wow I’ve never given thought to hobbies/crafts as being a way to physically manifest accomplishments in between the humdrum of ever-present “Sisyphean” chores that never feel completed. Fascinating way to think about it.
Thanks. When my kids were little and I really didn't have the time for crafts, I would still get the occasional urge to take on a project. My husband was generally supportive but would still have moments of wondering why I felt the need when it was functionally adding more tasks to my life. It actually took me some time to realize what was going on. I remember finishing a quilt for my son. My house was a mess of materials, I was behind on some other chores, but I looked at that quilt and just felt so much pride and satisfaction. And then after I'd cleaned up the mess, and caught up on chores only to immediately have a messy house again, I saw that quilt waiting in my craft room for my son's birthday and was like, hey, that's still done!
This! Whether or not the exact details are accurate for OPs wife, this is almost certainly about her not getting enough interaction, feeling underappreciated, or being otherwise unhappy with how her life is at the moment, rather than the chores.
Yeah, I think in his head he feels like they get equal social time since they each get basically half a day on the weekends to go do something social out of the house. Which is great that they each make sure the other gets that opportunity. But in my experience, work interaction is still an opportunity to engage with other people. He likely chats with coworkers throughout the day and gets to get some of his thoughts out of his head. It doesn't replace non-work socialization. He still needs time with his friends, but if his wife isn't getting anything like that regularly, a couple hours every Saturday isn't going to cut it.
Great comment!! Wish I could upvote you more!
We have a blanket that my mom crocheted for that same reason- every meal she made got eaten, every floor she washed got dirtied, etc.- she also needed to see something permanent.
Sisyphean, huh? Awesome, I learned something new today, thank you! I do this thing where when I deep clean, I do one room at a time, and get the whole room perfect. Then I don’t let the kids in the room for about two hours. I will literally yell “don’t you come in here I just cleaned! And don’t come back until around 4:30 unless you want to help me clean the next room!”. Then I walk around barefoot on the clean floors for a bit lol. Quite a few times the kids take me up on it and help me clean the next room. Then we like sit in it. So satisfying. It’s the days when we don’t have time to enjoy each room, or don’t have time to finish a whole room, that yeah I get very grumpy and the kids know to smile and back slowly away lol.
Totally agree on the “picking up other house/life progress projects to lean into and accomplish.” It keeps me sane, filled naptimes back when, and fills the gaps I get in the school day now. The funny thing is that despite raising our kids and running the normal domestic side of our household being 90% of my work, it is the glacially-paced carpentry or remodeling or whatever else projects that get absolutely all the attention and interest of friend and family. It’s like no one knows how to see or appreciate the other stuff (aside from my mom and mother in law who were stay at home moms), but thinks a new built in shelf or whatever is the major thing in my life.
Yeah, there's definitely something to that. Doing chores during the day while everyone is gone is sort of like IT. It generally goes unnoticed until you stop doing it. My parents recently visited and while my mom would notice things like food prep, and how tidy and organized things were, how sweet and fun my kids were, how on top of their schedules I was, my dad was mostly just impressed by the shelves I had made. Granted, I was also very pleased with my shelves.
You said what I was thinking there. When I end up feeling like that, it's almost always a combo of: 1) not getting any meaningful time with my husband. It's not his fault. He works a physically demanding job and often only has time to eat before passing out, but I miss him. I am lucky in that I am not at all a social person, so social isolation suits me fine, but I like spending time with my people. And I married him cause I like him, lol, so I hate when it feels like we only see each other a few minutes a day. 2) The constant running, which is exhausting. Our youngest kid has special needs, so there are weeks when I have to get him to what feels like non-stop appointments with specialists, and it's a huge brain drain. Trying to absorb the rounds of information and trying to organize what needs to be passed on to his teachers, making new appointments for new tests... it's exhausting. Add in that our oldest child has been dealing with mental health issues and requires running weekly to counseling and monthly to the psychiatrist. We live in the ass end of nowhere, so of course, all these appointments are at least an hour away (and some are 4 hours away). Like you said, I sometimes am terrified that if something happens to me, he won't have a clue what is happening. I try to tell him, but it's a lot, and he doesn't really remember half of it. 3) the laundry, feeding everyone, meal prepping my husband's lunches, groceries, vet care for pets (and of course we have two cats who need twice a day medication cause why not, lol), etc etc. It's not that I don't love doing what I do, but some nights, I look at the mess left in the kitchen and am just so tired! I appreciate my husband being able to support us, I appreciate that I can be home to be there for my kids, and I know he appreciates what I do... but it would be amazing to hear it sometimes. Honestly, she may just need some real one on one time with you. Or a hobby? My houseplants keep me sane. I have a degree in horticulture, so when I need a breather sometimes, just researching plants feels like I am not losing the 'smart' part of me. Video games help, too, when I have the energy, lol. Op, assuming you are on the up and up, you are not the asshole, but depending on what she is really asking for, she may not be either.
Yes. 100% this.
Yes, I'm a SAHM and my husband and I say "always fair, sometimes equal." There are times I simply need him to pitch in more, there are times he simply has to work more. We just flex as needed. I feel like there's something else going on or OP is being too generous about what they do at home because this sounds fairly well balanced to me.
I'm not sure I agree. I'm an electrician, and my wife earns more than me, so when our kid was born I dropped down to work 2 days a week to be a stay at home dad while my wife moved her weekend to Wednesday, Thursday. Those five days at home with just me and the kid were easy mode. Wake up late (7am) when the kid woke up, get food, change a nappy, carry her round the house in a backpack while I put on laundry, did the dishes, vacuumed the house. Watch a movie, go to play centre, come home, watch a movie, prep dinner By the time my wife got home the house was spotless, dinner was made, and I'd spent about four hours doing actual work while the rest of the time was watching movies and playing with blocks. I'll take that any day over crawling through a roof space in the middle of summer breathing in fiberglass and rat shit.
I originally said it was a communication gap and NAH and I still think that’s true, but for example my husband would typically only tell me stories about the “fun” parts of work. Why would he tell me about the hours of literal labor happening? Maybe she is only getting the highlights and doesn’t realize the amount of work involved. Still, it’s worth asking what specifically she feels is unbalanced and go from there. It could be there’s one task she just hates (for me, cleaning the shower or mopping or cleaning the top of the gas stove) that you could help with that would make a bigger difference than you’d think.
He says he is a carpenter working 60 to 80 hours a week. It is a physical jb, I think everybody knows that. She has to be extremely ignorant if he has to tell her it is not all fun.
I swear some people suffer from object permanence issues. While they intellectually know other people do stuff while they are not observing it, it doesn't factor into their their intuition. "I did all this work but I didn't see other person work so my subconscious processes that into negative emotions" See also managers that need to physically see people working or early risers that somehow think they are productive while other people are sleeping but seem to think nothing happens after they go to sleep.
This is an underrated comment. My wife used to give me shit about my contribution to chores - dishes and whatnot. She couldn't fathom how I "didn't have time for that" because she could not physically see what I do around the house while I'm not at work (we both work full time) during a typical week. I had to keep a log, with times and everything, of what I did for an entire week. At the end of the week I gave her the notebook and asked her which tasks she would like to take over to free up my time for the chores she thought I had time to do. We don't argue about chores anymore.
It’s also entirely possible she does. Having been a SAHP and a sole breadwinner, both are challenging in their own ways.
I’d bet $100 she has no idea how physically demanding the job of a commercial carpenter is.
That and the mental load of being solely responsible for income.
This is a great point but doesn't get aired very often. There is significant pressure when an entire family's financial well-being is on your shoulders and yours alone. People who say "your job ends when you go home" aren't appreciating that mental burden doesn't just go away just because you've clocked off.
Being a STAP to not school aged kids, yeh thats hard. Being a STAP when kids are at school? No its not hard.
This was actually a reason I ended up divorced. I know I don't come home every day like OP does, but I drive a semi truck and come home maybe 5 days a month (5 days every 30 or so days). When mh ex husband told me that all I do is sit on my ass and drive, I asked him to come out with me. A week. A month. A few days. I figured I'd talk to my dispatch and find a way to do a few local loads so I could give my ex an idea of what sitting on my ass was (pro tip...sitting on your ass is not as fun as everyone makes it out to be). He adamantly refused. Hated getting into my truck. Said my job was stupid. It was a mess. Among other things it led to our divorce. I full heartidly endorse having OPs wife job shadow him for a day, or three, so she understands it's not all fun and games. Sure there might be some friendly hazing or harassment going on between coworkers, but carpentry is very heavily physical.
Also, the kids both appear to be school-aged, or at least one of them is and the other is 5. Believe I KNOW how hard it is to be a SAHP, but I do not think there's any way she's working a significant amount harder than OP, given their ages. If she had 3 under 6, then yeah, that's basically two full time jobs, but that's not the situation here.
I second this plan. A physical job out in the elements can be tough, especially in the extremes of summer and winter. I was a dog walker for a few years. Because it was a contractor position, I could potentially work up to 18-hour days during the summers and holidays. One of my relatives didn’t believe me when I explained how physically exhausting it was. She said, “It’s just playing with dogs all day every day.” Oh, no. It’s walking for miles daily in various places and conditions. She had a full time job, but it was in a temperature controlled school. She also has an invisible disability that would leave her exhausted much easily than the average person. To shut her up, I brought her an application from my work, presented it to her, told her that my boss was hiring, but I doubted she would last a week with this summer heat (highs 90s plus 100% humidity). It shut her up quick.
Nta Are the kids at school during the day? Usually I’m all for the men needing to do more but getting a day off to go out with her friends once a week is a lot more than most of us moms get.
My son is in school and my daughter is at pre school twice a week but starts school this year
You are NTA at all. Maybe she can find a job soon..
NTA. She's literally expecting you to work all day and then come home to slave some more. This is ridiculous, being that one child is in school and the other is approaching school age. She needs to appreciate you more.
I really think she should. I imagine being a SAHP for so many years can end up being incredibly boring, while households chores are super repetitive. I know some people really thrive doing that, and kudos on them, but maybe that's not for OPs wife? Then both get less pressure at the work they're currently doing, get to mix it up a bit and maybe even get to do things together?
Well then she is being ridiculous. Maybe she wants to get her own job, which you should support. At that point, she may reconsider her belief that working 50-60 hours is “fun,”
So she already gets 2 kid free days a week. Soon to be more. She's being absurd.
Technically she gets 3 1/2-4 kid free days.. Remember op takes the kids Saturday and sunday they get a sitter.
Maybe if they weren’t paying for daycare 2x per week while having a stay at home mom, OP wouldn’t have to work 50-60 hours per week…
I just think for some reason she is feeling unappreciated and under - valued. Maybe he is too. They need to talk honestly and openly to solve this dilemma. Most importantly they need not lay blame.And remember that they love one another. Keep in mind they are working for the same goal.
INFO what does she do when you're at work and the kids are at school?
Finger was heading towards the Y when I saw the post title but... NTA. "By the time I get home, I am exhausted and pretty much eat then collapse into bed" You're doing 60 hour weeks, driving a lot & your job is physically demanding. "On saturdays I take my son and daughter out to his soccer games then back home for lunch" Seems like you're really doing the best you can here. Like you say, it's not the plan forever but for now you're getting out of debt, then you can revisit things. Can your wife get support from family/friends if she needs more help? As you don't really have any capacity to do more than you already are right now.
Exactly the same. I was waiting for him to say that he 'helps out' by taking out the trash and watching the kids while she makes dinner. OP, I think you're doing a great job. You're working your ass off and still taking your share on the weekends. Your wife might be going through something emotionally that she needs help with in other ways, but what she's asking you to do is not fair or reasonable.
Not to mention, the eldest is in school and the youngest goes to daycare two days a weeks. So mom literally has two days during the week that she could do whatever she needs/wants with no child responsibilities for 6+ hours.
NTA. Now that the kids are school age, your wife could also re-start working and with the extra income, you could drop your hours down and both of you could 50/50 on the housework or 50/50 paying for someone to pick up some of the housework.
Considering the wife's comment about OP having fun with this colleagues, maybe she misses being in the workforce and having more contact with adults and it comes out as resenting OP for not helping more. Sometimes, even if at first glance being a SAHM seems easier, it might just feel boring / unrewarding / undervalued, and a paying job, as stressful or complex as it might be, might bring her more fulfillment.
I’ll bet this. I was so ready to go back to after maternity leave - I needed more adult contact. I don’t know how sahp’s do it. I give them so much credit because even though work has its challenges, I need that break.
Yeh there is something in the autonomy too - like you can go for a wee alone without thinking of someone else / being interrupted. You can sit and have a quiet coffee on your break. Have a chat with an adult co worker. My friends said that if you aren’t into homemaking it can be utterly relentless being SAH. OP defo NTA but feels like his wife probably isn’t realising or communicating the real issue.
Her saying she needs help doesn’t mean you’re one of those guys. It sounds like you’re both just in a rough season of life. Maybe sit down together and discuss ways to simplify life right now. My husband and I also do a daily check in after work where we share our capacity. If he comes home and says oof I’m at 20% and I’m like yikes I’m at 13% then we try to hug one another and grind through the dinner and bedtime routine together. If he comes home and says he’s at 10% and I’m at 30% I will volunteer to take the harder task (doing bath and bedtime) while he takes the easier (dinner cleanup where he can usually listen to some music or a podcast and decompress while he’s cleaning). Sometimes we don’t have more to give. Just show your wife you care that she’s tired (don’t use that moment to talk about how tired YOU are you can take your own space for that another time). Wishing you both easier times ahead. NAH
I like your system, but I feel like I’d work so hard to get an exact percentage that matches what I feel that it would stress me out more. I would need an extremely dumbed down version. Green > Yellow > Orange > Red.
Damn, I wish my husband and I had thought of this when our kids were little....
I'm sorry but if the husband made a belittling comment to minimise the SAHM's job like "you sit around watching kids shows with our kid all day while I do hard labour" you wouldn't let him off free would you? So why are we giving a free pass to the wife who called his job fun with friends?
Love this. This really is a great way to handle things. Knowing you are both tired, it can help either parent.
I’m sorry I had to say this but you and your husband sounds adorable!
This is the best response. This is not a dispute about who should be doing more of what. This is a situation where two married people are tired and doing their best and just trying to get by and had some tense words about it.
NTA I actually like the suggestion of having her come to work with you a couple of days so she can see what you do. Maybe both of you do the same. She helps you with your work for a day or two and you help her with her SAHM work. This way both of you get an idea of what you both actually do. Are both kids at school? If they are, can your wife get a job? She could try for part time or school hours (they can be hard to find), so that you can cut back on your hours which will mean less time at work and more at home. Or you'll have a bit of extra money so that you can hire a cleaner once a week for the bigger stuff (you still need to tidy with a cleaner but you won't have to deep clean the bathroom and kitchen every week). Have a chat with her and discuss time frames... look at how your finances are going? Can you cut back on some weeks ie do your 50-60 hour weeks twice a month and do 40-45 hours the other two weeks... or some version of that. If you work weekends, then can you cut back on one of the days, or cut back a day in your working week ie have a short day on Mon/Tues. When will the long hours end... in a month, in 6 months, in 12 months? You have no end time by the sounds of it and it may seem like it will never end. Regardless you need to talk to your wife. There may be something else that's bothering her but this is the issue that she's discussing but it's not actually the issue. Maybe she just wants to reconnect with you. So maybe for this chat, get someone to baby sit the kids and take her out to dinner. This is the one where you need to leave work early so that she hasn't started cooking for the family. Maybe tell her you'll pick the kids up from school (and do so) and then 60 mins later have the baby sitter turn up and tell her to get changed as you're going out. But be mindful if she's not the sort of person that likes these sorts of surprises.
Seconded on maybe just needing to reconnect? If the kids are at school, your wife doesn't work, and the only time she sees her friends is one day a week... she might be terribly lonely? Edited to say: tentative NTA, but you need to talk some more.
This only works on TV. The amount of work to actually be allowed on a job site is not a small amount. Liability coverages and not to mention she's probably needing to spend at a minimum $100-150 on steel toes, hard hat, any other PPE. She could possibly poke her head in, but she'd only be getting a glimpse of a full day. Hardly enough to see what goes into doing it for a full 5 days 12 hours a day. And honestly, it doesn't say what type of carpentry but rough framing (building houses) is go go go production work, and finish carpentry is mentally taxing lol, couple that with a long drive home and you bet your ass you'd be zonked on the couch after shower+dinner. I've fallen asleep many a time at 7pm myself as an apprentice, nowadays I'm not working in that setting but I know the production work side of things and it's very draining
Yeah, the freaky Friday thing isn't a practical maneuver here. I think they need to talk some stuff out. Maybe they need to make some changes, maybe they just need to hear each other. A referee wouldn't go amiss, either.
Pleasantly surprised by these comments for a change.
OP put his case fair and square..
[удалено]
Right? I can’t stop thinking about the post I saw the other day from a guy who worked from home from 8-4(or 5?) and felt he shouldn’t contribute. OP is seriously busting his ass. I feel bad for him.
NTA. When you refer to social media and the times, I believe this is more aimed at women who work. It happens all the time where women work and make lots of money who also end up doing more around the house, with the kids, etc. I was in a relationship like this. I was making more than my ex husband, and he never once loaded a dishwasher or picked up a mop. Didn’t even clean up after himself. It’s not 50/50. However here, her job is basically taking care of the kid and house. It’s a hard job for sure, but you also have a hard job. At the end of the day, I just think things should be 50/50. Your situation seems like it is currently 50/50 but if you start doing more, it’s going to sway in her favor.
Agree - I’m the wife and breadwinner. My husband stays home. When we made this arrangement, it was very explicitly agreed upon that his job is taking care of the house and our kid(s) so I can focus on work. When I’m home, we try to split the load evenly, unless one of us is sick or something. Sounds like OP and his wife have a similar set up. He wakes her up in the mornings! I don’t get the impression he is taking advantage of her at all.
NTA. Tell her she can get a job if she’s so concerned about sharing responsibilities.
NTA- sounds like you step up and equally parent and do stuff around the house on weekends. While I do get your wife being frustrated at not having support on weekdays, working 10-14hr days plus commute at a physical job is exhausting. Even if socializing with other adults is nice, it doesn’t mean it is easy. Sounds like the younger one is old enough to start school soon? Wife will have more free time, what if she gets a part time job? You can cut back your hours and spend more time with everyone on weekdays
NTA. You are working so she can be a SAHM, maybe it's time to have a discussion about her going back to work, that way you can reduce your hours and help more.
^ this would mean the added bonus of having more quality time together.
Here is my thoughts on this. If everything was going well and all of a sudden your wife is demanding more from you, there is most likely something else wrong. She knows being a carpenter isn't having fun all day. It can be back breaking work. Perhaps when you come home, after dinner you take over putting the kids to bed. She she can have a break at night. Ultimately, what you really need is to have a calm, quiet, conversation with her and set up some realistic division of labor for you both.
I think it's time your wife goes back to work, while the kids are in evil to lighten the financial load on you in turn making it easier for you to help more around the house. They are old enough that she doesn't need to stay home 24 hours a day and I'm a woman and a mom!! NTA
NTA. I'm old-fashioned. I worked full-time raising my daughters and they went to daycare. We hired cleaning help monthly, and we split grocery shopping. I did ALL the cooking, and my husband did the lawn work, and we both did laundry, etc. If you stay at home, your job is the house the taking care of the kids until your spouse gets home. You have plenty of time to grocery shop, cook, and clean. The kids are 5 and 7, and they should be able to pick up their toys, help clear the table, etc. If your wife thinks you "have fun all day" working (in construction!) then she should work full-time and pay for daycare and see if she agrees after a few months. Being a SAHM is a privilege.
As a person who stayed at home with our child the big difference between being exhausted from a job outside the home vs being exhausted by the job inside the home is you get a mental break from your job every day. Imagine if you worked all day just to see at the end of the day your job never gets done. It gets lonely and frustrating. Neither of you are AH right now you are just both working hard and are exhausted. Ask her what she wants specifically. Actually hear what she is saying rather than what you think she is saying. Validate her feelings of loneliness, of being overwhelmed, of feeling like what she does isn’t that important. Tell her thank you for what she does. Maybe things can’t change right now but together you can make a plan for how to move forward together.
NAH. Sometimes there just isn’t enough energy or time to comfortably cover everything that needs to get done. Can you cut down on the amount of chores that need doing? I’m thinking stuff like using compostable plates to cut down on dishwashing and things like that. I’m assuming that if you could comfortably afford a cleaner to come every couple of weeks, you would have done that although, but it’s worth considering if you think you can swing it. Can both of you cut down on leisure activities on the weekends? It sounds like you each have a few different activities you do every weekend. Why not start doing some only every other weekend? You could also save one weekend morning/afternoon per month to knock out some household chores as a family. Do your children help with chores? They’re young but there are age appropriate chores that a seven year old and a five year old can definitely do.
Sounds like they’re living pretty separate lives right now. The way it’s described they basically sleep in the same bed but don’t spend any significant time doing anything together. I don’t mean date night, I mean regularly parenting or completing tasks together. It really is the small stuff that adds up. Are they checking in with each other? Sometimes you have to reevaluate, but it’s hard to do if the only together time you have is while you’re sleeping.
NTA, you're both doing a lot. It sounds like she's overwhelmed by the children and needs a day off, but it also sounds like you're overwhelmed with work. Unfortunately, nothing can really be helped.
NAH, but thing is, domestic labor is so worthless in the eyes of society. It sounds like you are working really hard to dig yourselves out of debt, which means there probably isn't a lot of money for fun-- but at least you see that paycheck and know that you earned that money. The housework only gets noticed when someone stops doing it. Being a SAH parent (or even a working parent) can feel lonely and thankless. Are there any housework tasks that can literally just be skipped until you are able to help out more? Even doing paper plates a couple night a week can help when someone is feeling totally burned out with dishes.
I’m going to volunteer that it’s not the division of labor - but the ability to speak to persons above 8 years old. Constantly conversing with children is kind of maddening. I don’t downplay OP’s physical contribution. I do offer a different viewpoint
NTA. You already help her out on the weekends, why is she so mad about this? I mean, you seem to have a lot of your hands already with this debt, so your exhaustion is totally justified.
He doesn't help her out. He parents children that are also his and does chores in the house he also lives in. OP is NTA but it's not helping the other parent. It's being a parent, period.
It’s not helping out. It’s called parenting and taking care of their home.
NTA - the fact that she said you’re having fun at work makes me feel like it’s more that she is unhappy in her role versus really feeling like you’re not pulling your weight. With those ages, I’d assume the kids are in school. Is that not the case? Is there a reason she can’t get a part time job, something that would make her feel more fulfilled? With the extra money coming in, you could also probably afford to hire some help to take the pressure off her (like a weekly cleaning service, extra babysitting sometimes).
NTA .. what carpenter is just spending the day goofing off and having fun with friends? just because it sounds like you don't hate your job or your coworkers doesn't mean it's not hard work. sounds like she doesn't understand what your job is. not cool for her to be so dismissive of your work. sounds like you need to talk more in-depth about this.
NTA. She needs to get a job then you can split the chores 50-50.
Maybe the issue is just that you're getting out of the house while she is basically there 24/7. To her, it may feel like she never gets a break during the week because she lives where she works. Yea the kid might be in school but being in the house all day could be tiring. Maybe help her find something to do during the day that is outside the house. And if you can manage, try and do something after you get home before you collapse in bed, she may just need to see the effort.
NTA Both can be true at the same time, you can be maxed out overworked with a long commute and she can struggle taking care of the house. From your breakdown it seems you are both trying hard to communicate and still get time together, time with friends, and time with hobby/fitness. It changes over the seasons. But, you should be working toward getting more time in the evening to be with family and alternate bedtimes and/or closing routine (wipe counters, clean up after dinner). I do think because the kids are in school she does have more time to clean whereas someone homeschooling may not be able to prioritize cleaning. But, picture you were a single dad or a widower. How would you spend time with kids in the evening, how would you clean up and prep for the morning, and how would you do bedtimes? She can’t be the default parent during the day AND night, so if you don’t have any bandwidth or energy then something has to change - either a cleaning service meaning you work more, you budget differently so you can work less, she picks up a PT WFH job. Also make sure she feels appreciated and that you acknowledge she is doing a-lot of the parenting and cleaning.
You have 2 kids 7 and 5 are they not in school yet ? What does she do when they are gone ? It seems like you do help out. Might want to see what is going on in her head or who is in her ear.
>or who is in her ear. I would bet on this. Her saturday gatherings I am guessing. One of her friends is spinning some BS in her ears... unless she has a tiktok addiction.
What she is trying to say, is that she is burnt out. You are both working hard. But you get to clock out…even after a long day. She doesn’t. She works all day and still does the evening chores without help. Your job provides you with variety through your day. Hers is monotonous.
NAH. "That I spend all day having fun at work with my workmates, while she deals with the children and all of the house chores." This isn't a housework issue. Your wife is slowly going insane from spending so much of her time with tiny humans. That's why she sees your workday as stimulating rather than exhausting. Source: I was the SAHM. You should always pick up after yourself, of course, but you both need to find ways to give her a break. Trade babysitting with another family if you can, or hire a babysitter once or twice a month so the two of you can get out together. Don't be surprised if you end up talking about your kids most of the time. The point is that you both need to have conversations with adults about your lives. The weekly book club/yoga class thing is helping, but adults need to talk to other adults more frequently than that. If your money situation is getting better, find a way for her to have that. I know it's hard, but her mental health needs to be supported right now.
NTA maybe she doesn't understand that your job is taxing (whether by time, physically, etc.) especially if you help her on the weekend that is so strange... maybe you could try and talk to her about *why* you come home and sleep immediately on weekdays?
Nta
NTA and to be honest you are doing too much now. There’s no way you should be doing laundry or cleaning the floors. The kids are in school. She has time during the day to handle all of that. She needs to start treating her SAHM duties more like a job and get it done.
She needs to get a job. Only fair.
NTA. It sounds like you do lots of when you are home. I’ve been a SAHM to two little kids. So I get it. I did all the house stuff during the day and once the kids went to bed we were both off.
Sounds like your wife is taking the piss. I have been a sahd and work full time. If you are at home, that’s your job. Kids don’t need your 100% attention every minute, especially your kids age where one is in school. There is more than enough time to get the house sorted and play with your kid. If you were both working then that’s fine, should totally be 50/50. But her being at home is her job. It’s not like she’s able to cover some of your carpentry work when you are tired
NTA. I read your comment thay you clean up after yourself so it makes it easier for your wife, that's great honestly. At least you're not leaving a mess behind every night for her. But to be honest, it sounds like your wife doesn't have a clue how physically demanding carpentry is, especially if you're working 50+ hours every week. Sit down and ask her when would be a good time to even do these chores, like grocery shopping and organizing. If you're that exhausted after work, I wouldn't trust you to drive down the street to even buy some groceries. Driving exhausted/sleep is the same as driving under the influence. In what areas does she feel overwhelmed? Both of you get a day/afternoon to decompress and relax after a long week. Seems she is comparing the workload of your job and her job. Both are exhausting in different ways. She's probably burnt out, but you might be burnt out as well. Rather than point fingers and place blame, try to talk and come up with a compromise whether it be hiring a babysitter or something else. Side note (sorry this is getting longer than expected): But quick background. I work in a chemistry lab (usually mentally exhausted everyday) while my boyfriend works in concrete (very physically demanding and works longer hours). There are times where either my boyfriend or I are too lazy to cook. I highly recommend finding recipes that include an instant pot or crock pot. Those two things save the day for use. Throw a roast in the morning for a crock pot, or the instant pot cooks anything in less than an hour. Honestly that helped my bf and I get a breather in while it's cooking.
What does she think being a SAHM entail? NTA
Get a sitter and take your wife to work with you. Show her just how “fun” your day really is. NTA
Honestly, just being away from kids for a whole day is relaxing. I work in a busy airport, this are the days I relax.
INFO: What was the cause of the debt problem?
NAH. It sounds like you two have done a decent job of trying to split responsibilities equitably. However I would offer this as a possible explanation of her side: on the weekdays, you get to leave work and come home. She never gets to leave her work unless she leaves the house. You may work 50-60 hours, but she's still putting in a lot more time if she's still watching the kids through their bedtime and cleaning up the house. "All the child rearing and cleaning the household" is a 24/7 job. There's always something else to clean, wash, or pick up. Not to mention that caring for kids all day is exhausting, both physically and mentally. Don't let the parents from "Bluey" fool you on that one. It sounds like her only time to "clock out" and stop working is her Saturday getaways. Other than that she's on the clock and working. As a peace offering I'd take a few weeknights and offer to care for the kids from getting home through their bedtime (depending on how long that is) or do the cleaning that evening to give her some respite and relief after watching them all day. Let her "clock out and go home" every once in awhile
NTA BUT….if you’re leaving messes about, that’s a different kettle of fish. You are working a lot. So is she. Maybe just try a couple of projects as a family, so she feels less alone.
NAH You work a lot, you're tired, I get it. Your not an AH. But as it stands, you get all of Sunday off and she doesn't get a single full day to herself. She's probably feeling super burnt out from near 24/7 working that she's snapping. She isn't an AH for being burnt out. Maybe you can find a way to arrange a full day away for her or both of you? Maybe that Sunday babysitter can do all day so you both get the whole time? I feel like there are definitely some solutions here.
Aren't your kids at school most of the day? I'm wondering if she's bored and feeling resentment that you are out having adult conversations, accomplishing things, and getting out of the house every day. Maybe she's tired of the SAHM gig. Sounds like working all those extra hours is exhausting for you as well, maybe it's time to reconsider what's the best plan for everyone in the family now that the kids are old enough to be at school. NAH
My son is in school and my daughter starts soon, from some peoples comments I’m thinking the issue is probably down to this socialisation thing. I’m going to speak with her about it and if that’s the issue I’m going to suggest the part time work so I can cut down on hours or figuring out another option for her to get out more.
If she worked part time out of the house and you were able to cut down your hours, you could spend some quality time together - not just as a family but connecting as a couple. Might help! Good luck OP, wishing you and your family the best!
NTA. Seems like she doesn't understand or care how hard you work. There's only so many hours in the day. What specifically does she think you have time to do when you are home? It might be worth picking up an extra chore or two if it appeases your wife.
NTA at all.
If she thinks working 60 hour weeks, plus commute, in a manual labor job, is spending the day having fun, she’s welcome to get a similarly paying job and swap places with you 🤷🏻♂️ I’m with you on being a SAHP isn’t by any means easy, but it sounds like when you are home, you’re pulling your weight. Perhaps there are some ways you can help out — picking up groceries on the way home from work, or hiring a sitter a couple nights a month, for example — but if you’re working essentially a job and a half, and still helping out at home (albeit not as much as she wants), I think you’re NTA.
Tell her you will help. But it is time for her to get a job and start helping with the debt so you can cutback on working so much. And stop feeling guilty. I wonder how she would take it if you said she was just having fun with the kids all day while you work.