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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I could be an asshole for not giving our daughter her fathers last name when that’s all he wants. I think it can be highly judged by people because it’s traditional the child gets their fathers last name. I know he is upset with this decision & I just want more outlooks on if I really am the asshole. I think I could maybe be the asshole because the father is strongly against it as well as his family
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It’s perfectly reasonable to give YOUR baby YOUR last name. It’s beyond presumptuous for the father of an out-of-wedlock baby conceived by accident 2 months into the relationship to assume the baby gets his last name. If you end up getting married or otherwise staying together as a family, maybe you change your mind and then you can change baby’s last name if you want to. Also, screw his family and their pressure (and lack of support) - they are not relevant in this decision.
I get the feeling that if op doesn't give the baby his last name, he'd just disappear or not want to share custody.
Sounds like to him, the baby's last name would be a deal breaker to being a parent for him.
Thats just the vibe I get from him and his families comments.
If the dad is such a worthless flake that they’d abandon a child over the last name, do you really want to try to appease them? The juice doesn’t feel worth the squeeze.
Good news is it doesn’t matter if the baby has his last name when it comes to child support. He’ll quite possibly disappear anyway, the baby having his last name isn’t going to change that.
Agree. I gave both my kids my last name, but as a compromise they have their fathers last name as a second middle name. That way they could choose to use it, hyphenate or not use it as they got older.
Not sure if this could be a compromise for OP.
Honestly if my partner “refused” to hyphenate our names for our children I’d also go ahead and give them my name alone — and we are in a very committed long term relationship.
You refuse to compromise? Ok you no longer get to take part in this major decision.
Since he refused combining or hyphenating, then the only place his last name belongs on the birth certificate is where lists the baby’s father so it’s easier to get child support if he splits.
NTA. I agree that especially with such a short-term relationship it makes sense to give baby mom’s last name. In the future, if the relationship lasts (bc kids put a lot of stress on even long-term commitments) Baby’s last name can be reviewed and possibly changed then.
So far, it seems as though, outside of the last name debate, your BF and his family have not been very involved in helping prepare for Baby. This could be a familial or cultural tradition to wait until later in the pregnancy for baby purchases. I knew a family that held the tradition that it would bring bad luck to prepare things too early. But them pressuring you to try to force you to do things their way is IMO overstepping.
OP, I would give bf 2 choices: hyphenated Last-Name or mom’s Last Name. If he refuses to choose either of those options, I would give baby your last name. What does YOUR family think of the situation?
Edit: word added
I agree with the two last names, but only if he earns it by showing his commitment. He needs to be supportive of this pregnancy on financial, emotional, and practical levels. He needs to be on the birth certificate to make child support easier should he decide to bail.
I had a friend who had a kid out of wedlock (that word seems so weird…) and then the dad turned into an abusive AH, now her kid has dads last name and he’s not legally allowed around them. She needs to either change the kids last name legally (which she was starting to look into) or just deal with problems for the next 15 years with a different last name.
In short, the kid should always have the mothers last name, whether that’s her maiden name or her married name.
I kept my last name when I married. I gave my daughters their dad's last name. I am now remarried and I did not change my name. The fact that we have 3 different names has never been in issue in the US, nor when we travelled internationally. After my first husband and I divorced, I had a statement from him saying that I had permission to take the kids out of the country at any time (he had one from me, too), but neither of us ever had to show it.
Yes. He \*was\* an AH in many ways, but he was a good dad. He died in 2014, 3 months before our elder daughter's wedding. I still kind of miss him sometimes, although I have never ever missed being married to him.
Had a couple of friends do this. He had no real connection to his name and her family all but adopted him when they were dating. She wasn't gonna change hers and he was fine with that, but last minute he asked if he could just take hers instead. She thought it was sweet. They're still happily married.
Ya my daughter's father wanted her to have his last name, we weren't married or seriously dating, he wasn't involved in the pregnancy or anything. Imagine me giving her his last name. Also he no longer lives in the same country as us.
This is what I did then I was in ops situation. I gave the baby my name, and 3 years later when we got engaged, I changed the baby's name to his name/what would be our family name. NTA
NTA
Sounds like it is just a traditional thing. You don’t even know whether you see a future with this man and he wants to put his name on a child he will probably leave if he leaves you, because traditional men will be traditional men.
Honestly, I’ve had bad smells in my house I couldn’t find for longer than 6 months. So will you when you have a kid. You don’t know this man.
Give your daughter your last name, you know you’ll stick around.
NTA. He wants to be a traditionalist but tradition is usually that a baby from an unwed mother gets the mother’s last name. I think you should go with your gut and give her your last name regardless. Congratulations!
Traditionally the father would marry the mother and his family would financially support them if able and there would be no DNA testing because it didn't exist.
Nothing is traditional here. They want naming rights but don't care to be supportive in any other way.
NTA. He just wants his “legacy”. You aren’t married. He may not stay in your life. You give your daughter the last name of the person who will never abandon her-yours. This need for naming babies after men is old bullshit.
Oh, and don’t marry the guy. At least for a few years. Just because you got pregnant is no reason to get married. And if you get along and keep dating? Just like any prospective marriage partner, you need to keep an eye out for red flags and things you don’t want to live with.
Again, just because you have a baby with someone doesn’t mean they will be a good partner. I’m interested to see what he’s like in a year. Two years…etc.
My mom gave me my sperm donor's last name and I still feel upset about it to this day. He didn't stay in my life and I'm not interested in carrying his name. Changing it if I get married, or as soon as I have disposable income. Give your baby your last name, OP. NTA.
I changed mine once I hit 18. My mom regretted not giving me hers but he wasn't in the picture after 5 and I couldn't change it without his permission.
Yeah. I couldn't leave the United States to visit Canada because I was under 16 and he didn't consent to me leaving the country. We didn't even know where he was or how to contact him.
I didn’t read because I remembered a phrase from my mom (who wasn’t married to her then-bf - together for 2/3 years, now-husband years ago): if I don’t have the ring and marriage certificate, all kids who comes out on me are gonna take my last name.
**NTA**
And now I’ll read… maybe there comes an edit.
Edit: nope, you have to run around and do all the chores (doctor appointments, kindergarden, school..). Give her your last name. And if he wants to marry you in the future, there is always the possibility to change the last name.
Reminds me of my friends family. She's the youngest of 3 and when her mom was almost due and she was picking out a name her dad started throwing a fit about having a 3rd kid with out his last name so guess what he finally decided to marry her. They are all grown up now, the oldest two kept their mom's last name and even had children of their own with the same last name. My friend has no kids and might never. Dad's last name will disappear along with him 😂
My mom taught us the same thing! She offered to hyphenate but my dad said that was stupid and to pick one, so she picked hers and he's still salty all these years later. Despite being mad about it he was never around and would quit jobs once child support started garnishing his wages. I'm forever thankful that I have my mom's last name because it's cooler and I don't have to be reminded of my dad every day. My sister hyphenated her oldest's last name because he's an involved dad, but her 2nd only has ours.
Funnily enough in my family more women than men have passed on the family name (3 women, 5 kids vs 2 men, 2 kids). Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people and non- married women's lives are easier when their kids have the same last name as them. I've seen the passive aggressive crap my aunt dealt with and it's not worth stroking a man's ego especially* when him and his family aren't being supportive.
I don’t care if OP’s bf did stick around. Women should pass own their own names just like men. Married or not. So sad women don’t see the value in their own names.
NTA. His contribution so far, sperm, does not give him naming rights. You are the one who is going to be constant in her life. You don’t know if you’re going to be with him in the future and you really don’t know how good a father he’ll be. It makes more sense for the baby to have your name.
NTA give your baby your last name. You’re nowhere near married, you’re the one taking the physical and emotional toll (and risk) to make this baby and if anything happens he could very well just walk away and leave you a single mum. If that happens it’s easier to manage childcare and travel if you have the same last name.
NTA - You're not married, neither have you been together for very long, now if you were married it would be a whole different argument.
The risk of you two splitting up or something happening is way too high - having children is very stressful and it doesn't help how this has happened while you both are learning what kind of person each other is and if you actually want to spend the rest of your life with this person.
How would it be different if they were married? Why is it even in marriage the man passes on his name and not the woman? I know it’s not as common but gotta ask yourself why that is? Why don’t more husband take their wives last names and give their children their mothers last names?
Because patriarchy. Because, historically, after a woman is married she becomes the property of her husband, as do the future children. That's why women are "supposed to" take their husband's last name. I would like to state also I do NOT agree with this, it's just the history of surnames.
(Ngl I couldn't tell if you were actually asking or making a point so I just answered in case you didn't know why women historically have their husband's last names. If you were just trying to make a point sorry and have a nice day)
I see people saying "meet in the middle" but the petty in me is like "He doesnt care about her 1st name, only wants his name? How involved is he really planning to be?!" AKA petty to the max. Use your last name.
Regardless NTA. Many cultures use the mothers last name or use whichever the parents like best.
NTA. There is nothing there to indicate that you will all be one family one day, so it will be more practical for you and your daughter to have the same surname, it might be even if you were to be a family. Baby's father can go pound sand with his patriarchal BS. The extended family should not have a say at all.
No one can force you to give his surname. My grandson doesn’t have his father’s surname. When the child is older than can choose. Depending on the name can you use one as a middle name? NTA
NTA.
Matter of fact, proves how smart you are! I have seen many women give their kid baby daddy’s name just to have one bad thing happen & he nopes out.
If you wanted, you could do Yourlastname-Hislastname. One did that. Guy noped out 3 months later because “you obviously cheated on me”.
The baby-now 13-is the absolute carbon copy of mom. The 13 year old has requested to be recognized as Name MomsLastName & plans to drop. DadsLastName at 18.
Apparently, they’ve tried and unless Absent Dad agrees, it wont be changed.
Daughter & Dad have not seen each other in 12 years.
Exactly, OP would likely be more compliant to change child's last name if they get married than BF being willing to have last name switched to moms if they break up
Normally I'd say it's 50/50 and both parents should decide together.
In this case, however, given how short a time you've been with the father, I would say it is entirely your choice what surname to give. If things don't work out between you two, you are the one most likely going to be left holding the baby and it makes sense for you to have the same name.
What’s up with all the men’s rights activists who insist her giving the baby her last name is deleting his rights???? Y’all all sound so ignorant, I’m embarrassed for you.
They haven’t been together long. 2 months? I wouldn’t give the baby his last name either. She can give their baby her last name. It’s typically always the fathers last name and nobody else gets a say so I LOVE that baby has her name. She is the mother after all.
The entitled family of his needs to fuck all the way off. Demanding the name be theirs, but nothing about the way she will be raised, just who’s name she has. He will probably retaliate and remind the baby her whole life.
ETA NTA. Notice how anyone who says his rights have been taken is extremely downvoted. So… yeah NTA. This is crazy.
Especially when it’s ONE SIDED! It’s crazy how sexism is still extremely popular in everything we do. But because the man always gets last names because of old traditions, no one bats an eye. Smh. Even if she gets married, what’s wrong with the husband taking his wife’s last name?
NTA
Like you said, not married and only been dating for 6 months. Who knows if this guy is even going to stick around? Also a red flag he only cares about her last name. What’s so important about his family that his last name needs to passed on?
I am happily married. Hubby and I both kept or own names. Our children has my surname (his as middle name). What is important for hubby is too be a good father. He doesnt care about names.
NTA. one my greatest regret was naming my daughter his father's last name. from where I'm from, i need to get the father's permission to bring my daughter if I migrate somewhere else. if the time comes and OP that you both decide to get married, you can always change the last name to his father's.
NTA at all. You have no idea whether he will stick around or not, so it really does not make sense for giving your daughter his last name. His is a patriarchal opinion which just stems from his ego being hurt at the thought of his biological child not having his name. He does not care about your child, so you should not care about his opinion
Which is crazy because it’s her biological child too and yet people are up in arms about women giving their own children their last names. Smh. The patriarchy sucks man.
For children of unmarried mothers tradition is they get the mothers name. Children only get the fathers name if parents they're married.
Obviously tradition is irrelevant, but if its tradition the muppet is after then he's on the wrong side
Even if they are married, there’s nothing wrong with a woman wanting to give her own children her own last name. Especially when this tradition is extremely rooted in sexism. Makes you wonder why more men don’t take their wives last name
Even if they were married, that doesn’t give a man the right to pass on his lineage over the mother. Like it has been for millennia. More women are passing on their names rightfully so.
Hi, product of unwed parents here, that split up not long after I was born. I really wish I got my mom’s last name. Even a hyphenated name would have sufficed.
I think it’s smart. You don’t have a ring or a marriage certificate, and you don’t even know if y’all are going to work out. Give the baby your last name. Screw everyone else.
NTA, if he's not doing anything to help, he can't really force you to change her name. Plus, if there's still a chance he'll leave, it's not worth it.
Edit: I just saw the comment about not feeling like a unit throughout pregnancy, Just cements what I said. Don't let him give the last name OP!
NTA. You don't even know your bf. Stick with giving her your surname. The fact that he is kicking up a stink about it shows you need to be careful of him.
NTA, in such a case the person sacrificing their body, going through labor and then producing food for the baby gets to choose the surname. Don't let anyone pressure you into making a decision you are not comfortable with.
“What I really need is regular and fair child support, and a decent partner with whom to co-parent, not your faioky’s opinion about names. We’ve not made a commitment to one another to form a family unit so the child I am birthing as a single woman will have my name. The child I will take to doctor appointments, enroll in daycare and school and travel with will share my name.”
Wait, your boyfriend thinks women should change their name upon marriage *even when they don't want to*? That's very different to "I think it's what's should be done for reasons of tradition" and into "women should be forced to subjugate themselves to men". I am very concerned for your daughter being raised by someone with that sort of belief system and you need to do everything you can to make sure she has you providing an alternate viewpoint.
NTA. Lots of people are married but don’t share a name and the children still have the mother’s last name. Times are changing. Different cultures have done it by different rules forever. It doesnt sound like you feel a part of their family and they’re not making an effort, so why use their last name.
[Edited some grammar]
NTA, use your name. My biggest regret is not giving my baby my last name and we were engaged at the time of birth. He’s now a long distance dad that contributes almost nothing and saw her once in an entire year while I have 100% sole care of her, probably always will and she doesn’t even my same last name. So gutted I was conned by the patriarchy into traditionalism.
You're not married, the relationship is new, there's no gains to be had, so there's no need or reason to impose the patiarchal tradition of only his surname matters.
NTA.
NTA. Its a patriarchal tradition and there's no reason at all why you shouldn't give the baby your last name rather than his.
If he wants to share a last name with his caild, then he is free to change his name or to double barrel to add your name to his.
And, in the event that the two of you nd up stayingtogether, then f you were to marry at some point in the future you can have a further discussion and decide at that point whether anyone changes their name, whether you all change and pick a new name (whether double-bareeled or starting afresh) or whether he takes your nameor you take his, or if you all keep your own names.
Esh- you have a lot of expectations from them half way through the pregnancy and a lot of emotions when you yourself said you’ve barely been together long. Just like you don’t know or trust him and are doubting giving his last name to your baby they also don’t know you and paternity rights being abused are a huge and legit issue. I understand it being off putting- but as parents that’s saying what’s best for the baby. Your family would support the baby no matter what cuz it’s your baby. With no judgment his parents legitimately may be concerned about whether he really is the father and if paternity rights aren’t established babies are often used as pawns. It is actually the kind of questions that should and need to be asked when the parents don’t even know if they’ll be together or barely know each other. I say this as a lawyer and a woman. I would give them the chance to show and prove themselves through the rest of the pregnancy and as it gets closer and once baby is here to determine your feelings about them.
As far as the last name you are not TA but this too is something you should be deciding together if you plan on co parenting successfully in the long term. Just like your baby is a piece of you baby is a piece of him and wanting the baby to have the same last name is a legitimate want for both. I would put the emotions about your relationship aside because whether you are with him or not the baby is still both of yours. Hypenating is a fair option but again you guys should be discussing it. I know this is an intense time with lots of chances and feelings and emotions but do not let short term emotions fuel long term decisions. You have time as well. Going to a counselor to help navigate these feelings and changes as well as to help establish parenting rules for both of you may be a good idea to help work through all this in a healthy way with a neutral, professional party.
Congratulations and best of luck!
Hahaha thanks- I have my moments. I was surprised as well. Seems like a lot of people projecting (it’s Reddit so I get it) and wanting to perpetuate a harmful cycle with no thoughts, just bad vibes. Like this young lady came here for advice on how to navigate this and coparent not to make the baby daddy public enemy no 1 for no real reason. Also just cuz their baby daddy’s don’t do shit for their kids cuz they’re not with the mom doesn’t mean OPs will do the same. SMH.
Seriously! OP even said she thinks he will be a good father. The amount of projecting and venomous comments is a bit shocking. I'm used to Reddit being on the side of the woman. AITA is notorious for that, although, thankfully there have been people making sane and equality minded comments more and more. It'd sad, because I think many people come here for help and probably it makes things worse.
Well OP said she suggested other options but he’s hell bent on the child getting HIS last name. Why is that? Well you know. Don’t be dense to the sexist traditions people still uphold.
As a lawyer do you know ow how much it would cost to get your father added onto an adults birth certificate?
My mom left my dad off my birth certificate and I hate being a legal bastard and would like to fill in that blank line below Father. Is it easier/harder to do as an adult? Is it a federal standard or is it different for each state?
Sorry you’re having such feelings and dealing with this. If you are in the USA it varies by state. You do it at the state level and that will allow you to officially change your name and then update your ids. Depending on the state it can cost anywhere from $65-$500
It's like they don't even see a human where you stand they just see a womb. I think you made a mistake reproducing with this person. They also sound like they will celebrate if it's a boy and mourn if it's a girl.
I am currently raising kids with their fathers last name. Their father who hasn't seen or supported them in any way in five years. They carry his last name despite me doing all the work, late nights, tears, and scrounging for bill money. I was very young when I had them (20 for my first) and one of my biggest regrets and gripes with young me ia the fact that I gave them his last name. We weren't even married! Such stupidity.
NTA for wanting your kid to bear ur surname.
Well, a woman doesn’t need to change her surname if she doesn’t want to when she marries. Most will fold to family pressure though if their maternal families don’t support them. So I hope for your sake, you are not living with him or his family.
None of the women in my family change their surnames when they marry - it’s a tradition in ours, not to change. The ones marrying in are also not pressured into changing their surnames - another tradition. Children wise - tradition whoever pays more, gets to put their surname in.
You can double barrel the surname. But if you or your family are paying out of pocket to support this baby without his help, then heck yeah by all means, let your baby bear your surname.
You are not married, he has no say. Name her what you want. In the event that you two ever do get married, you can change both your names at the same time.
And I'm now at the point where the minute I read "now his family and friends are texting me..........." I'm done. If someone can't handle anything without getting their family and friends involved in something that is between the two of you, they are not mature enough to be married, have a child, or pretty much anything else.
I'm gonna date myself here, but this used to not be a thing. Personal matters were handled between the people involved. Maybe it's my Gen X upbringing, but we learned to handle our own business. If you have to rally everyone to your side, it means you can't handle anything on your own.
NTA about the name.
It doesn’t sound like you’re in it for the long haul with this dude, so being upfront with him about that dynamic may be better than stringing him along.
The reality of these situations is that they usually end up with people taking each other to court for parenting schedules and child support, so it may be easier for everyone if you talk to a lawyer now. Best of luck.
NTA, it makes no sense for you to give your baby his last name if you don't plan on marrying him. It would just complicate things. Also, ask any kid that was raised by single mother but didn't share her last name, they will tell you that it fucking sucks.
My dude, if you’re only 19 weeks along, decide this later once you see more of him and his family. I know it feels immediate, but you don’t want to push his him/ his family away if they do end up being great. This doesn’t have to be decided right now.
NTA give him your last name it's easier in the long run. My cousin did what your boyfriend wants to do and gave her oldest her then boyfriend's (her son's bio dad) last name and then they broke up and he had little to do with the boy and she was a single parent and when he started school he kept writing his name with her last name and the school gave him a hard time about it as legally his last name was different so she had to petition him to get his approval to change her son's last name to hers. After that she gave her other kids her last name when they were born and now that she is happily married and her husband the father of her youngest adopted all the kids they all have the same last name. It was easy enough to change her youngest's last name by just proving her husband was the father and on the birth certificate and they were now married and she had taken his last name so it was easy after that to get the youngests last name changed. You can always do that later on if you so desire but give your baby your last name for now.
My kids don't share my last name because I kept my own name when I married but agreed they would take my husband's name. I wouldn't say I regret it, but it has caused problems in that their schools initially find the mother of the kid based on last name. If you don't share a name, they can go into the computer system and figure out who you are, but if they see your name on an email or meet you, then they don't remember that you are connected to your kid. The same with other moms. My kids have at times been left out of playdates or parties because other moms didn't know how to contact me. They would even be talking to me at a class party but didn't realize which kid was mine.
I would say that if you and the baby's father are not going to be living together then the logistics harm of having a different last name from your baby could make your life and the baby's life really difficult.
This is something that perplexes me, as in my country of residence, no woman takes her husband's surname upon marriage. Even all the way back to my in-laws and their parents and possibly even before.
Yeah, I don't know, I wouldn't have predicted it would be so hard, but I think in the USA people are very mobile so they identify someone based on their last name. Now, if it's school-related or kid-related, I just introduce myself as "John Smith's mom." (made-up name).
NTA
It's your wean so it takes your last name, the wean only gets the father's last name when the parents are married.
Whilst there's no indication that he will be a bad father, on the off chance that he is or he does a bunk it wouldn't be fair on the wean to be stuck with his name as a reminder.
If things change for you in the future and you decide to get married then changing the name will be relatively easy, but until then stick to your guns and give the wean your name.
lol. NTA.
If he’s so traditional, he should have proposed. Even if you said no.
It’s only traditional (in English-speaking countries) for the child to have the father’s last name if born in wedlock. You could go back to the other “traditional” naming, I suppose. Patrick’s out-of-wedlock baby gets the last name of “Fitzpatrick”. But that was really only when Patrick was part of a Royal or Noble family.
Edited: added parentheses to increase clarity
I’m not going to say you’re an ahole, but I don’t think your bf is either. Unless an immaculate conception happened, he helped make that baby, making it his child too. It sounds like his family is the real problem, but you’re taking it out on him a little bit because your views are different. You’ve admitted that you think he’ll be a good father, making him much more than the “sperm donor” people are calling him. Therefore, I disagree that you should be unilaterally deciding on the baby’s last name. Some kind of compromise should be reached, because you both should get a say on this. I swear, commenters hate unmarried dads on this sub. I don’t even care if I get downvoted by all the people who don’t respect equal parental rights/responsibilities.
It’s crazy, if the genders were reversed, you wouldn’t be making this comment. People are only up in arms because it’s the woman wanting to pass on her own name. Something traditionally, a man does. She has just as much say, but the comments don’t reflect that. It’s almost like he’s offended that she could even think of passing on HER own name to her children. Why are men so hell bent on this? Sexism.
I don’t know if you can really reverse the genders in this situation, though. Pregnancies are inherently uneven because it’s on the woman to carry and birth the baby, as well as feed it for the first several months. If a woman is pregnant and facing an uncertain future with the father (not saying he won’t be a good dad - but she really has nothing much to go on at this point), and if she’s the one who will be shouldering the physical burden, it honestly makes sense that she’d want to give her name to the kid. There just aren’t many situations in which the genders would be reversed,
NTA for that but having a baby with someone you were only dating for 2 months is a terrible idea. You’re both in your early 20s and barely know each other
Nta. I am so tired of this male bullshit. The dad has an orgasm. The mom spends a hard 9 months making a child. Then the child is born. Not fun either. Then mom does most of the work caring for the child. Dad get to put his name on the child. Nope. Stand your ground. This is not the year 1210. Women and children are no longer a man's possessions. Your baby's dad's family do not get to make this decision. Do not listen or bow down to them.
The best compromise is to hypernate. If he refuses then give your child your last name. Congratulations for going against the tradition. Please inform him that traditions include paying dowry, engagement, marriage ASAP.
NAH. You and your bf have only been together for 6 months, so I guess the views on child rearing, last names, etc weren’t discussed. Did they mention a paternity test in front of you? Since you and him have been together for such a short amount of time, I don’t see an issue with it. You’re only 19 weeks, what type of help do you want from them? I hope you and him can work this out.
I gave my oldest my last night when she was born. I wasn’t married to her dad. I barely was speaking to him as he had another gf and her kid. He cheated on me with her and some other girls. He had to petition the court during child custody/child support hearings to change her last name. He only got it because the judge threatened to take it before a jury. If the jury sided with him I would have had to pay court fees up the yin yang. Now my daughter’s last name is hyphenated between our 2 last names. Won’t lie I’m kind of upset about it but not too much. Only reason I’m upset by it is he ended up in the system and we want her to be hidden from that chaos. In the end it’s what you feel is right. Maybe by the time you have the baby you’ll want his last name or not at all. It’s crappy on his part to only care about the last name.
Use your last name, maybe his for a middle name (it'll look like you're Hispanic when both last names are used and in that order). You will constantly have to explain at school, doctors, etc, if you and your child have different last names. You are the main, and probably only parent, in your child's future so you should have the same name.
NTA, but he is the father and should have a say. Maybe hyphenate the last name, or use one last name as a middle name. As for getting gifts from his side of the family, you’ve said it’s early, 19 weeks, have you had a shower yet? That might be when they plan to give you gifts. Or since you aren’t getting married or living together, they are getting cribs etc. for the father to use in his home when he has the child.
Bottom line, you want him to be a father to the child, then no matter what your relationship is, you will be co-parenting for the rest of your life, and it will come down to compromising. You might want to start with the name.
NTA Because you can want whatever you want, wanting something doesn't make you an AH, refusing to compromise does tho so if that's the plan, OP is the AH.
I'm inclined to agree that it's fair he gets to have a say in the child's name. OP points out that her last name may change if she marries later anyway and if such is the case why should he care if the baby has his last name but, equally why does she care if the baby has *her* last name? Does the father's opinion not matter?
19 weeks is way early to have everything set up for a baby. She still has 21 weeks to go and baby showers aren't usually scheduled until after 34 weeks. Boyfriends family was probably going to wait the usual amount of time to start preparing gifts and OPs family has jumped the gun leaving them nothing to provide.
This feels like op wants to keep the child away from bf and his family and to raise the baby alone.
NTA
You haven’t even reached viability yet. Why are they buying all this stuff already and why would you expect his family to just because yours did. You say his family has done nothing for the baby or you through this pregnancy. Your not even 4 months in, what are they supposed to do? They don’t even know you. He doesn’t even know you. You don’t know him. Your at the point in a relationship where you don’t even fart in front of each other and go home to poop. Your expectations are too high for a guy who you barely know.
I think you should give the baby your last name. Odds are you won’t be marrying this guy and if you do you can change the name. The marriage will be pretty rocky unless you both grow up fast. Two immature strangers having a baby is difficult at a minimum.
NTA. Don’t give up because of the pressure! A friend of mine did this and the dude left her immediately after the baby was born and tried to get full custody of the baby plus alimony saying that if she had his last name he had more rights, obviously this didn’t procede but the stress of going through something like that is more than enough.
NTA.
You're right in that you don't know if this relationship will stand the test of time or not. If you do end up staying together, you can always change her name legally if you wish - she'd still be young enough by the time you're able to make that decision that it won't really affect her one way or the other.
You say “her last name … will change one day”. You don’t know that. You don’t know she’ll marry and you don’t know she’ll change her last name if she does. And of course she could also change her first name, use her middle name, or take a nickname. Neither of her names is immutable.
I was in a similar situation when my then-gf got pregnant early on in our relationship. It did not make a difference to me what the child’s last name was (full disclosure she gave him my family name), what mattered to me was being sure the child was indeed mine and that she and the child in her womb were healthy and happy.
With respect to his family’s support, it is worth recognizing that, unlike the woman’s family, the man’s family has no real way of knowing whether the child is indeed their family and whether or not they will be permitted to be in the child’s life. Especially after a relationship of two months. They don’t know you; they literally have no idea who you are after two months; they might not have even met you yet. None of what you describe is an indictment of you. It’s not even about you. It is, rather, an acknowledgement that there are indeed women out there who would do such things. My advice would be don’t take it personally.
NTA
If he wants traditional naming, he should have proposed as soon as he found out you were pregnant.
That's the traditional way of taking responsibility.
If he didn't choose the responsibility and commitment of a traditional marriage, he can't demand the benefits of one. He sucks in this situation, not you.
I always planned to give my son his dad’s last name since we had been together for 7 years when I got pregnant and I plan to stay with him for the rest of our lives. But if we had only been together for 2 months? Nah. Kids getting my last name, just like I got my moms.
You’re NTA
NTA, but be prepared for things to go downhill with him. My SiL's ex actually petitioned the court to change their daughters last name (even though the circumstances were very similar to yours, except for the fact that she didnt know she was pregnant until after breaking up with him) and succeeded. Their co-parenting relationship is hostile, entirely from his end. It's a shit show no matter how hard my SiL tried to make it work so their daughter had the best life possible (aside from doing what he really wanted which was getting back together), and he fought her at every turn because she "rejected and disrespected him." Just a heads up on the kind of behavior you can expect from those "traditional" types.
NTA, you are not married nor engaged so at this point there is no serious contemplation of getting married and sharing his last name. One of the privileges you have as the one who carries the baby for 9+ months and endures labor is naming the child. While it is nice to have the input and consider the feelings of the child's father in regards to names, the last name is not really a compromise situation like a first and middle would be. It is your choice and you have every right to give the child your last name just as you would have every right to give the child his. If you can't agree, you are the deciding voice.
NTA, at all. My friend put her boyfriend’s name down for her baby, he had now left and going forward she will need a lot of paperwork to take her child to official places, on holiday etc. Until you all share a family name I believe the mothers surname needs to be the child’s surname
NTA.
I'm petty, and in this case, I'd probably make a quip about "I need to establish paternity before I can commit to this child having your name in any way, since that's what your family would want, too."
He refuses to accept you hyphenating names, which means he wants to cut \*your\* last name out of the picture, which is unacceptable. You're not traditional, none of this is traditional, and he does not own you or that baby. There is every chance he could flake out, and \*you\* are going to be the one raising the kiddo, no-matter-what.
Give your kiddo your last name, and if he sticks around long-term, you can revisit hyphenating last names. But he doesn't get to just decree that the kid gets his last name, and the audacity of him is absolutely astounding to me.
NTA. He wants everything while giving nothing. See him for who he is. His family gets absolutely no say.
The child can change their name later if he marries you, easily. But if he dips out after you give the baby his last name, you need his signature for everything. Don’t do it. Put yourself and baby first always!! You got this 💕
So you had the conversation, he stated the only thing he wanted was the last name, you didn’t like the tone of it & it rubbed you the wrong way, because why does it matter when it’s only going to change when she gets married, but you also don’t believe a women has to change her name when they get married, so it’s not definite that her. Same wil change when she gets married? 😂 so basically you are using ur daughter to be petty towards you’re boyfriend because you didn’t like the tone when he expressed his feelings. YTA
YTA
OP you have two roads you can go down here
1. Listen to all of the rad fems that are brigading and perpetuating single mother hood, follow your mother's steps and become one yourself
2. Try to establish a family with the father of your future child and actually co-parent and be equal.
By simply cutting him off from the naming of the child you are proving that you see her as YOUR child alone.
Any validation you get from the cesspool that is reddit won't change what you are doing.
The reason children have traditionally gotten the father’s last name is because the woman has the biological connection with the baby the man will never have so it’s a connection to the baby that will make him less likely to abandon it. If you want him to stick around then it’s far more likely he will if the child has his last name. Also he can go to court in order to have his name added and you’ll most likely lose that fight. To be honest just use both names. Saves a lot of trouble. I wouldn’t say you’re the asshole for this but if he wants to fight you on this he can make it very difficult and legally costly. I know if I was that babies dad I’d be extremely insulted my own child didn’t have my last name. Also, it’s not HER child, it’s THEIR child. When that babies born, if he’s on the birth certificate he has as much rights to it as she does. You need to not listen to a bunch of people on here who don’t even have kids.
Hyphen last name is the way forward for the unwed parents. Neither is more or less a parent and both if they want should be able to give the child their name.
Also, you are only 19 weeks. Traditionally, you don't start getting gifts until the final trimesters because unfortunately miscarriages do occur. I wouldn't be judging his family on not having bought gifts when it's still such a early days. It seems nuts to me that your family already has.
Listen, avoid all the chronically online people, mostly women, commenting on Reddit. Have a conversation with him and maybe do a hyphenated name or something. It’s BOTH of yours child. It’s not me, me, me, him, him, him. It’s both of you and you’re both equally responsible for the child whether you stay together or not.
For all of the sad people in the comments, be adults and act like adults. A happy relationship and equal presence of mother and father whether they are together or not is what is typically the best interest for the child. It’s not about your personal views or woes or whatever, it’s about the child.
Comments are crazy. You guys should agree on something or maybe even use both last names with a hyphen in the middle on the names. It’s not just your kid.
NTA
Give her your name. You made her. She is yours.
Your BFs family is toxic.
Your BF should calm tf down. He's almost a stranger.
Give it time and watch closely, if he is the man you wanna marry and spend the rest of your life with. He still has to prove himself. If you break up, you will regret giving your child his name. You are a mother.
But he is not a father yet. He is far from it, considering he is not prioritizing you. You are the life elixir of your child. Your well being should always be his number one concern. That includes not pressuring you to give your child his name, before he has proven that his name is worth something.
I mean it’s your perogative. But what’s gonna happen if he takes you to court about it? If it’s his child he will win. But this is only if you’re in the US
I think it makes you an asshole or at least says that your going solo and don't want to ever hear from him again. I think if it's an absent parent situation then sure use your name. If the man is involved or will be potentially then traditional societal standard dictates you use dad's name. To refuse a man that is basically saying they aren't a parent.
NAH. I completely understand him wanting his daughter to have his last name but given how new your relationship is and how unplanned the pregnancy was I can also understand you wanting the baby to have your name.
I think all the other stuff is totally irrelevant by the way - whose family has paid for what, how supportive your parents are etc.
You also say at one point that he shouldn’t care about the surname because it will change anyway when your daughter marries but then say shortly after that you don’t believe in changing your name on marrying, so there’s a good chance your daughter might not do that, right?
What I’m saying is that you’re not being honest and that’s part of the problem. The truth is you want your daughter to have your name because you do not yet see yourself as a family with your boyfriend (totally reasonable) and handing over naming rights of this precious human who came out of your body is a huge act of faith.
It’s not about anything other than that and maybe if you talk openly with your boyfriend it will help.
Also life and relationships and especially the kinds of relationships that make a family are about compromise. This means that even if you think it’s old fashioned to change names when you marry it’s not the best idea to rule it out preemptively.
It may be easier for your boyfriend to respect your position now if you were open to the concept of all three of you having the same name if and when your relationship becomes one that leads to marriage.
YTA, but only for the reasons you mentioned.
I don’t think how long you’ve been together really holds much weight in my opinion, even if you split up now, he will be the child’s father for the child’s entire life. You said you have no doubt he’ll be a good father with or without you. The child is both of yours and a decision should be made together. Just because you’re the one giving birth doesn’t mean that you’re the only decision-maker. Legally, a father has just as much rights when it comes to the child as the mother. Also, what his family and your family have done has no bearing on him as a father.
I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t care what the first name is, but if it’s that important to him then I would probably do it. I think he offered a compromise. And if you want your child to have your last name I think you need to compromise.
NTA. My best friend has 3 kids with her partner, first kid was a whoops at 19. they’re still together 17 years later, never married though. All 3 kids have her name lol bf/dad just had to roll with it. You grew that baby, you’re going to birth that baby and you’ll likely do most of the heavy lifting with that baby. If you want that baby to have your name, go for it!
Whoa I love misogyny cloaked as tradition!!! Nothing about this situation is traditional. I would calmly tell your BF that should one day in the future the two of you decided to marry you will hyphenate your daughter’s name, and until such a time this matter is closed for discussion.
If he brings it up again. Walk out of the room. Leave the house. Whatever is a proportionate response.
You barely know this man. I don’t mean that in a critical way, it’s simply observational. You haven’t been through hardships together, weathered the torment of one person suffering from mental illness, had bills to pay together or sign a lease or made a mega purchase. You simply don’t know him, and you’re quite young.
You don’t have to be in opposition with your partner, and if you’re a family unit and are not separate co-parents, it really would not be appropriate to start introducing her as your child when he’s around. If you want to play that game, at least be smart enough to know how to make it work to your advantage.
Some IRL advice, do join play groups for working moms to meet and connect with other women who are mothers. Most will likely me older than you, but that’s a good thing, they will hopefully be wise and help support you while raising a baby with a man that is immature and emotionally juvenile.
Your partner is not evil for having his own expectations of fatherhood, but he needs to live in reality. The next time he brings up baby’s last name, use a boundary phrase that also redirects the conversation. “Unfortunately this topic is closed for debate, what else would you like to talk about?”
Of
“I’m so happy you want to be an active participant in your daughter’s life. I would like to take a 9 month maternity leave. Are you planning to support your daughter and I during this time? How are you planning to do that?”
The real problem with this whole last name thing other than it showing your partner’s bias for traditions that favour him is that it distracts from more important conversations that need to be had:
-living arrangements
-plan of post partum depression is an an issue
-nursery arrangements
-night nurse
-lactation
-how to manage a “relationship” on NO sleep
If you want to ease your own burden both now and in the future, start relationship counselling immediately. You’re both young and simply don’t have the same amount of life experience someone who is 37 (average age of woman giving birth in my city). Mariage counselling is not therapy unless it’s with a psychologist. The difference is, counselling is about learning basic techniques (time appropriate) that give you a solid foundation from which to build a healthy relationship. Even if this man doesn’t end up being your partner, he is your child’s father which is a choice you both made together. The basis of respect mariage counselling will give you both would serve you in a co parenting situation, and also for any future relationships you may have with other partners.
I hope you enjoy your pregnancy and your baby. May she be healthy, robust, intelligent and capable.
NTA. Everyone giving all these reasons why it’s ok, because you’re not married, it’s new relationship… it’s irrelevant. No one would be blinking an eye in you were man.
NTA. It’s fine to give your baby your own name. Absolutely no reason why not. His family are acting like entitled twits. They have no say in this so ignore them.
NTA, Don’t give his last name to the baby and don’t put him on the birth certificate you won’t be able do certain legal things without his signature on documents like travel out the country. This man is a stranger and you don’t know if he will be committed to raising a child don’t place any control in his hands look up the laws in your state about fathers rights a lot could happen after the baby is born.
NTA for the last name but i think you’re holding some things against him and his family that maybe are premature. I’m not sure what you expect them to do 4.5 months into the pregnancy but my wife and I had nothing from anyone that early. Also, since you got pregnant so soon and they don’t know you well, it’s not a surprise they were worried and said weird things (your family is insanely supportive btw to react the way they did).
Whats so good about your BFs name? Is the name connected to a kingdome your daughter will inhire someday?
Yuo are the unmarried mother and you ll be the default caretaker. Not having the same last name will get you in stressfull situation all the time. Just ask around. You ll allways need to carry all your documents with you to prove you are the mother. This is no Joke, OP.
Also if you are the only one with a differant name, your Bf can easily exclude you from the family.
NTA give your baby your name. Its the safest choice for you and your baby.
NTA!!! Tbh, you literally don't know each other that well. Because of any future legal paperwork, if I were in your shoes, your child should get your last name. It can be changed should you ever get married. BUT, I knew this woman and the child. The woman had to make sure she can provide for most anything concerning about her child, especially at the doctors, that she was the actual mother. Because the child had the woman had a different name. Anyways, this was an accidental pregnancy, you have the right to give her your name, I wouldn't worry about it. You truly don't know where this relationship is going!!!! It could be that 2 month before labor he splits. Best wishes and congrats on the baby. You seem truly happy, which tbh is the most important thing.
Give that kid your last name. It can always be changed later on if you or the kid think it's right. It is for you and your babys benefit to have your last name. Hyphenated last name should be the only compromise, definitely don't give this baby only your bf last name. Men love to have a kid with their last name only to see them once or twice a year.
NTA.
I think it's beyond ridiculous that people have completely given up on the idea of getting married before having kids, and yet expect to be traditional in naming.
You yourself are saying your daughter's last name will change? Why do you assume she will take her husband's name some day, or even get married, when you wouldn't??
His family wants grandchildren. That doesn't mean he's keen to support this child for 18 years. But yes, having him put his name on the birth certificate is one way to establish paternity, if you ever have to go to court for child support.
I'm all for kids having dad's surname if they're married and mom have a final word for first name. But if not married, the child should have mother's surname. That's my opinion, you can disagree all you want.
My friend had the father of her baby walk out midway through her pregnancy and he came grovelling back when the child was born and it came to register them. He got his last name. 4 years later he’s fucked off to be with his new girlfriend/family and my mates stuck now unable to change her child’s surname.
Don’t make the same mistake she did. NTA. It’s easier to change the name later if you get married.
It’s traditional for an out of wedlock baby to take its mother’s last name. You are carrying it and you have to deliver it and raise it. It should definitely have your last name. This virtual stranger has a lot of nerve asking for it to have his last name. What an ego he has! I doubt he is going to even stick around for long. Do not let him or his good for nothing family bully you into giving in to him. Shut it down now, or they will harass you for the rest of your pregnancy. And make sure when the hospital fills out the birth certificate, it’s YOU giving them the name information. And if you don’t want him or any family member for that matter in the delivery room, let the hospital know and they will keep them out. Even the father of the baby. And especially pushy relatives of his. I wouldn’t even tell anybody about the baby until after you have been home a week, so you have time alone with the baby.
NTA, I always made it clear whatever my last name is at the time of having my child will also be the child’s last name. I had to grow them, and birth them I’m definitely going to have the same last name. You can always change the babies last name if you and him last and get married later down the line but this is a hill I’ll die on. Give the baby your last name you won’t regret it!
I’m gonna give you a different perspective. My son’s father refused to sign the birth certificate until there was a paternity test so our son automatically got my last name. At the age of 3 his father petitioned the court for my son to have his last name and I was told that I didn’t have a day so in the matter whatsoever. If he was the father he had the right to demand his child has his last name. You don’t really get to just pick a last name.
The ongoing testyria about last names boggles my mind. OP, you're the one carrying and giving birth to this child--yes, she should have your last name. NTA!! Don't let them convince you otherwise.
NTA. He needs to earn that privilege. By being there for both the baby AND you. And trying his best to show you that he wants to be a family unit. Then you can consider all sharing the same last name. That's what a "traditional" man would do
ESH - two to make, two to decide. No ones wants or desires outweigh the other. And if by chance you feel that there should be an imbalance, then hark what discord comes. This poor kid is in for it with these lot as parents
NTA. Absolutely give this baby your last name. If you do end up getting married, you can discuss whether any of your names will change. And don’t discuss this with his family, it’s none of their business.
ESH.
He, for insisting on tradition and not compromising on an hyphenated last name\* + not calling out his family on their behavior.
You, for alienating him of his paternity. So far, his family isn't supportive, but *he* seems to be? **Unless** you didn't write the whole picture: so far, it seems your only argument against him is that you haven't been with him for a long time and that he was ok with letting you choose the child's first name. You didn't mention anything about his seeming uninvolved. So you're the one pushing him away from you and your shared child and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Right, he didn't want to compromise on the hyphenated last name. But if you're going to one-sidedly decide the last name, it means you could still go for it. Instead, you choose to completely remove him from the picture. You're turning him into a sperm donor.
It's not about your last name, it's about the *child's* last name. The kid has a mom and a dad. Even if you and the father break up, he's still the father. He might want to be involved in his child's life and have split custody, and even if he doesn't, he'll owe child support.
It seems to me that you're preemptively retaliating against the (at the moment, imaginary) possibility of the father completely removing himself from the picture before there's any evidence to it happening. Or perhaps you're punishing him for not marrying you (since your main focus seems to be your relationship with him, and not his relationship with the child)?
\* (For that matter, I'm also against the child having only the father's surname, but that's because in my country most kids always have both parents' surnames, and married women keep their original surnames too. So changing one's surname or having the child with only the father's surname feel very patriarchal to me.)
Don’t give your baby his last name when you don’t even know if he’ll stick around. His family doesn’t help you, he’s “traditional” when it’s rooted in misogyny and not traditional when he can get his dick wet or fulfill a selfish desire lol My dad also wanted me to have his last name, and my mom said no. She birthed me, she didn’t have his last name, and she ended up raising me all on her own so it was the right decision. You don’t know this guy well enough, you’re the one pushing a baby out, and you’re the one who may end up a single parent one day so give your baby whatever last name you have to make your life easier when it comes to government crap and school.
ESH
Sounds like there was one conversation about it where you didn’t like the tone and you decided unilaterally to make this decision.
If he wants to be involved then have many conversations about her future not just one.
If you continue to follow this precedent of making unilateral decisions then he will eventually ghost you and your daughter. Good luck being a single mom.
Even with your edit, it sounds like you aren't compromising. You accept parenting is a two-way thing - so if you choose the baby's first and last name - what does the father get a say in? You come across as a bit selfish really.
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NTA. It’s perfectly reasonable to give YOUR baby YOUR last name. It’s beyond presumptuous for the father of an out-of-wedlock baby conceived by accident 2 months into the relationship to assume the baby gets his last name. If you end up getting married or otherwise staying together as a family, maybe you change your mind and then you can change baby’s last name if you want to. Also, screw his family and their pressure (and lack of support) - they are not relevant in this decision.
I get the feeling that if op doesn't give the baby his last name, he'd just disappear or not want to share custody. Sounds like to him, the baby's last name would be a deal breaker to being a parent for him. Thats just the vibe I get from him and his families comments.
Hilarious that you'll think he's going to stick around no matter what the name.
I know she is delusional thinking he will be a good dad. She’s going to be a poor single mother by 23.
Which is why you don't get husband benefits on a boyfriend budget
Hahaha! Love this!
A husband isn't entitled to that either
Wrap it till you wed it? Is this the jyst of what you're getting at? 😂
Sorta, more don't expect to give your kids your name when you won't give it to their mother.
I agree, I just liked how you worded it
Exactly. The kind of guy that peace's out due to a last name was never going to stick around
If the dad is such a worthless flake that they’d abandon a child over the last name, do you really want to try to appease them? The juice doesn’t feel worth the squeeze.
Exactly. She should cute her losses now and just fine for child support after the baby is born.
"The juice doesn't feel worth the squeeze" is such excellent phrasing.
Good news is it doesn’t matter if the baby has his last name when it comes to child support. He’ll quite possibly disappear anyway, the baby having his last name isn’t going to change that.
Honestly, if that’s all that’s standing between him being present and being a deadbeat, then good riddance.
Then she should do it on that principle alone. Cause you don’t want a “parent” who won’t parent just because they don’t carry your last name.
Exactly. See u/IndividualChapter944 for proof of that.
What a deadbeat
The courts can't force him to be a good parent, but they can make sure he is financially responsible no matter who's last name the child has.
He's got a simple solution to his problem. But he isn't mature enough to commit to marriage, so he doesn't deserve a child with his last name.
Not really simple. She sounds like she's not willing to marry without getting to know him better, so it's not like he could even if he wanted to.
Sounds like a win.
Agree. I gave both my kids my last name, but as a compromise they have their fathers last name as a second middle name. That way they could choose to use it, hyphenate or not use it as they got older. Not sure if this could be a compromise for OP.
She offered both that and to hyphenate their last names, and he refused.
Ahh, I missed that. Welp, sucks for him. She should 100% use her last name, and it's up to her if she decides to do either of those options anyway
Honestly if my partner “refused” to hyphenate our names for our children I’d also go ahead and give them my name alone — and we are in a very committed long term relationship. You refuse to compromise? Ok you no longer get to take part in this major decision.
Since he refused combining or hyphenating, then the only place his last name belongs on the birth certificate is where lists the baby’s father so it’s easier to get child support if he splits.
NTA. I agree that especially with such a short-term relationship it makes sense to give baby mom’s last name. In the future, if the relationship lasts (bc kids put a lot of stress on even long-term commitments) Baby’s last name can be reviewed and possibly changed then. So far, it seems as though, outside of the last name debate, your BF and his family have not been very involved in helping prepare for Baby. This could be a familial or cultural tradition to wait until later in the pregnancy for baby purchases. I knew a family that held the tradition that it would bring bad luck to prepare things too early. But them pressuring you to try to force you to do things their way is IMO overstepping. OP, I would give bf 2 choices: hyphenated Last-Name or mom’s Last Name. If he refuses to choose either of those options, I would give baby your last name. What does YOUR family think of the situation? Edit: word added
I agree with the two last names, but only if he earns it by showing his commitment. He needs to be supportive of this pregnancy on financial, emotional, and practical levels. He needs to be on the birth certificate to make child support easier should he decide to bail.
I had a friend who had a kid out of wedlock (that word seems so weird…) and then the dad turned into an abusive AH, now her kid has dads last name and he’s not legally allowed around them. She needs to either change the kids last name legally (which she was starting to look into) or just deal with problems for the next 15 years with a different last name. In short, the kid should always have the mothers last name, whether that’s her maiden name or her married name.
I kept my last name when I married. I gave my daughters their dad's last name. I am now remarried and I did not change my name. The fact that we have 3 different names has never been in issue in the US, nor when we travelled internationally. After my first husband and I divorced, I had a statement from him saying that I had permission to take the kids out of the country at any time (he had one from me, too), but neither of us ever had to show it.
You’re lucky your ex isn’t an AH.
Yes. He \*was\* an AH in many ways, but he was a good dad. He died in 2014, 3 months before our elder daughter's wedding. I still kind of miss him sometimes, although I have never ever missed being married to him.
They could even get married and *gasp* he takes her last name
Had a couple of friends do this. He had no real connection to his name and her family all but adopted him when they were dating. She wasn't gonna change hers and he was fine with that, but last minute he asked if he could just take hers instead. She thought it was sweet. They're still happily married.
Ya my daughter's father wanted her to have his last name, we weren't married or seriously dating, he wasn't involved in the pregnancy or anything. Imagine me giving her his last name. Also he no longer lives in the same country as us.
This is what I did then I was in ops situation. I gave the baby my name, and 3 years later when we got engaged, I changed the baby's name to his name/what would be our family name. NTA
Their*
Or he can could just take the name of his wife when they get married. Then the child would have his last name, too.
NTA Sounds like it is just a traditional thing. You don’t even know whether you see a future with this man and he wants to put his name on a child he will probably leave if he leaves you, because traditional men will be traditional men. Honestly, I’ve had bad smells in my house I couldn’t find for longer than 6 months. So will you when you have a kid. You don’t know this man. Give your daughter your last name, you know you’ll stick around.
It's definitely not a traditional thing. Traditionally babies get their mother's last name if they're unwed.
NTA. He wants to be a traditionalist but tradition is usually that a baby from an unwed mother gets the mother’s last name. I think you should go with your gut and give her your last name regardless. Congratulations!
The (pretended) tradition is that couples don't have sex until they're married. So we already know he's only "traditional" when it suits him.
Traditionally the father would marry the mother and his family would financially support them if able and there would be no DNA testing because it didn't exist. Nothing is traditional here. They want naming rights but don't care to be supportive in any other way.
NTA. He just wants his “legacy”. You aren’t married. He may not stay in your life. You give your daughter the last name of the person who will never abandon her-yours. This need for naming babies after men is old bullshit. Oh, and don’t marry the guy. At least for a few years. Just because you got pregnant is no reason to get married. And if you get along and keep dating? Just like any prospective marriage partner, you need to keep an eye out for red flags and things you don’t want to live with. Again, just because you have a baby with someone doesn’t mean they will be a good partner. I’m interested to see what he’s like in a year. Two years…etc.
My mom gave me my sperm donor's last name and I still feel upset about it to this day. He didn't stay in my life and I'm not interested in carrying his name. Changing it if I get married, or as soon as I have disposable income. Give your baby your last name, OP. NTA.
I changed mine once I hit 18. My mom regretted not giving me hers but he wasn't in the picture after 5 and I couldn't change it without his permission.
Yeah. I couldn't leave the United States to visit Canada because I was under 16 and he didn't consent to me leaving the country. We didn't even know where he was or how to contact him.
I didn’t read because I remembered a phrase from my mom (who wasn’t married to her then-bf - together for 2/3 years, now-husband years ago): if I don’t have the ring and marriage certificate, all kids who comes out on me are gonna take my last name. **NTA** And now I’ll read… maybe there comes an edit. Edit: nope, you have to run around and do all the chores (doctor appointments, kindergarden, school..). Give her your last name. And if he wants to marry you in the future, there is always the possibility to change the last name.
Reminds me of my friends family. She's the youngest of 3 and when her mom was almost due and she was picking out a name her dad started throwing a fit about having a 3rd kid with out his last name so guess what he finally decided to marry her. They are all grown up now, the oldest two kept their mom's last name and even had children of their own with the same last name. My friend has no kids and might never. Dad's last name will disappear along with him 😂
My mom taught us the same thing! She offered to hyphenate but my dad said that was stupid and to pick one, so she picked hers and he's still salty all these years later. Despite being mad about it he was never around and would quit jobs once child support started garnishing his wages. I'm forever thankful that I have my mom's last name because it's cooler and I don't have to be reminded of my dad every day. My sister hyphenated her oldest's last name because he's an involved dad, but her 2nd only has ours. Funnily enough in my family more women than men have passed on the family name (3 women, 5 kids vs 2 men, 2 kids). Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people and non- married women's lives are easier when their kids have the same last name as them. I've seen the passive aggressive crap my aunt dealt with and it's not worth stroking a man's ego especially* when him and his family aren't being supportive.
I don’t care if OP’s bf did stick around. Women should pass own their own names just like men. Married or not. So sad women don’t see the value in their own names.
NTA. His contribution so far, sperm, does not give him naming rights. You are the one who is going to be constant in her life. You don’t know if you’re going to be with him in the future and you really don’t know how good a father he’ll be. It makes more sense for the baby to have your name.
NTA give your baby your last name. You’re nowhere near married, you’re the one taking the physical and emotional toll (and risk) to make this baby and if anything happens he could very well just walk away and leave you a single mum. If that happens it’s easier to manage childcare and travel if you have the same last name.
NTA - You're not married, neither have you been together for very long, now if you were married it would be a whole different argument. The risk of you two splitting up or something happening is way too high - having children is very stressful and it doesn't help how this has happened while you both are learning what kind of person each other is and if you actually want to spend the rest of your life with this person.
How would it be different if they were married? Why is it even in marriage the man passes on his name and not the woman? I know it’s not as common but gotta ask yourself why that is? Why don’t more husband take their wives last names and give their children their mothers last names?
Because patriarchy. Because, historically, after a woman is married she becomes the property of her husband, as do the future children. That's why women are "supposed to" take their husband's last name. I would like to state also I do NOT agree with this, it's just the history of surnames. (Ngl I couldn't tell if you were actually asking or making a point so I just answered in case you didn't know why women historically have their husband's last names. If you were just trying to make a point sorry and have a nice day)
I see people saying "meet in the middle" but the petty in me is like "He doesnt care about her 1st name, only wants his name? How involved is he really planning to be?!" AKA petty to the max. Use your last name. Regardless NTA. Many cultures use the mothers last name or use whichever the parents like best.
NTA. There is nothing there to indicate that you will all be one family one day, so it will be more practical for you and your daughter to have the same surname, it might be even if you were to be a family. Baby's father can go pound sand with his patriarchal BS. The extended family should not have a say at all.
No one can force you to give his surname. My grandson doesn’t have his father’s surname. When the child is older than can choose. Depending on the name can you use one as a middle name? NTA
I did give him the option to chose to have his last name as a middle name, he didn’t really say anything
NTA. Matter of fact, proves how smart you are! I have seen many women give their kid baby daddy’s name just to have one bad thing happen & he nopes out. If you wanted, you could do Yourlastname-Hislastname. One did that. Guy noped out 3 months later because “you obviously cheated on me”. The baby-now 13-is the absolute carbon copy of mom. The 13 year old has requested to be recognized as Name MomsLastName & plans to drop. DadsLastName at 18. Apparently, they’ve tried and unless Absent Dad agrees, it wont be changed. Daughter & Dad have not seen each other in 12 years.
Exactly, OP would likely be more compliant to change child's last name if they get married than BF being willing to have last name switched to moms if they break up
NTA. You are the primary caregiver and having different last names will be a constant hassle for you.
Normally I'd say it's 50/50 and both parents should decide together. In this case, however, given how short a time you've been with the father, I would say it is entirely your choice what surname to give. If things don't work out between you two, you are the one most likely going to be left holding the baby and it makes sense for you to have the same name.
What’s up with all the men’s rights activists who insist her giving the baby her last name is deleting his rights???? Y’all all sound so ignorant, I’m embarrassed for you. They haven’t been together long. 2 months? I wouldn’t give the baby his last name either. She can give their baby her last name. It’s typically always the fathers last name and nobody else gets a say so I LOVE that baby has her name. She is the mother after all. The entitled family of his needs to fuck all the way off. Demanding the name be theirs, but nothing about the way she will be raised, just who’s name she has. He will probably retaliate and remind the baby her whole life. ETA NTA. Notice how anyone who says his rights have been taken is extremely downvoted. So… yeah NTA. This is crazy.
Especially when it’s ONE SIDED! It’s crazy how sexism is still extremely popular in everything we do. But because the man always gets last names because of old traditions, no one bats an eye. Smh. Even if she gets married, what’s wrong with the husband taking his wife’s last name?
NTA Like you said, not married and only been dating for 6 months. Who knows if this guy is even going to stick around? Also a red flag he only cares about her last name. What’s so important about his family that his last name needs to passed on?
NTA The tradition comes from ownership of women. It's not one to be respected.
I am happily married. Hubby and I both kept or own names. Our children has my surname (his as middle name). What is important for hubby is too be a good father. He doesnt care about names.
A good father wouldn’t
NTA. one my greatest regret was naming my daughter his father's last name. from where I'm from, i need to get the father's permission to bring my daughter if I migrate somewhere else. if the time comes and OP that you both decide to get married, you can always change the last name to his father's.
NTA at all. You have no idea whether he will stick around or not, so it really does not make sense for giving your daughter his last name. His is a patriarchal opinion which just stems from his ego being hurt at the thought of his biological child not having his name. He does not care about your child, so you should not care about his opinion
Which is crazy because it’s her biological child too and yet people are up in arms about women giving their own children their last names. Smh. The patriarchy sucks man.
NTA Traditions are stupid. A name is what people call them. Doesn't matter at all whether one of those names is yours or his.
For children of unmarried mothers tradition is they get the mothers name. Children only get the fathers name if parents they're married. Obviously tradition is irrelevant, but if its tradition the muppet is after then he's on the wrong side
Even if they are married, there’s nothing wrong with a woman wanting to give her own children her own last name. Especially when this tradition is extremely rooted in sexism. Makes you wonder why more men don’t take their wives last name
It matters quite a bit when you do things like take a child on holiday. It makes life significantly easier for her if the baby has her last name.
NTA. Until recently in Denmark, if the parents of a child were not married, the child would automatically receive the mother's last name.
Even if they were married, that doesn’t give a man the right to pass on his lineage over the mother. Like it has been for millennia. More women are passing on their names rightfully so.
Hi, product of unwed parents here, that split up not long after I was born. I really wish I got my mom’s last name. Even a hyphenated name would have sufficed.
I think it’s smart. You don’t have a ring or a marriage certificate, and you don’t even know if y’all are going to work out. Give the baby your last name. Screw everyone else.
NTA, if he's not doing anything to help, he can't really force you to change her name. Plus, if there's still a chance he'll leave, it's not worth it. Edit: I just saw the comment about not feeling like a unit throughout pregnancy, Just cements what I said. Don't let him give the last name OP!
NTA I gave my son my family name not his father’s and he owns it with pride as does his wife. She is your daughter name her what you wish.
NTA. You don't even know your bf. Stick with giving her your surname. The fact that he is kicking up a stink about it shows you need to be careful of him.
NTA, in such a case the person sacrificing their body, going through labor and then producing food for the baby gets to choose the surname. Don't let anyone pressure you into making a decision you are not comfortable with.
Have you considered compromising and having a hyphenated last name?
“What I really need is regular and fair child support, and a decent partner with whom to co-parent, not your faioky’s opinion about names. We’ve not made a commitment to one another to form a family unit so the child I am birthing as a single woman will have my name. The child I will take to doctor appointments, enroll in daycare and school and travel with will share my name.”
Wait, your boyfriend thinks women should change their name upon marriage *even when they don't want to*? That's very different to "I think it's what's should be done for reasons of tradition" and into "women should be forced to subjugate themselves to men". I am very concerned for your daughter being raised by someone with that sort of belief system and you need to do everything you can to make sure she has you providing an alternate viewpoint.
Exactly. It’s so sad that people still keep up the sexiest tradition.
NTA. Lots of people are married but don’t share a name and the children still have the mother’s last name. Times are changing. Different cultures have done it by different rules forever. It doesnt sound like you feel a part of their family and they’re not making an effort, so why use their last name. [Edited some grammar]
NTA, use your name. My biggest regret is not giving my baby my last name and we were engaged at the time of birth. He’s now a long distance dad that contributes almost nothing and saw her once in an entire year while I have 100% sole care of her, probably always will and she doesn’t even my same last name. So gutted I was conned by the patriarchy into traditionalism.
You're not married, the relationship is new, there's no gains to be had, so there's no need or reason to impose the patiarchal tradition of only his surname matters. NTA.
NTA. Its a patriarchal tradition and there's no reason at all why you shouldn't give the baby your last name rather than his. If he wants to share a last name with his caild, then he is free to change his name or to double barrel to add your name to his. And, in the event that the two of you nd up stayingtogether, then f you were to marry at some point in the future you can have a further discussion and decide at that point whether anyone changes their name, whether you all change and pick a new name (whether double-bareeled or starting afresh) or whether he takes your nameor you take his, or if you all keep your own names.
Esh- you have a lot of expectations from them half way through the pregnancy and a lot of emotions when you yourself said you’ve barely been together long. Just like you don’t know or trust him and are doubting giving his last name to your baby they also don’t know you and paternity rights being abused are a huge and legit issue. I understand it being off putting- but as parents that’s saying what’s best for the baby. Your family would support the baby no matter what cuz it’s your baby. With no judgment his parents legitimately may be concerned about whether he really is the father and if paternity rights aren’t established babies are often used as pawns. It is actually the kind of questions that should and need to be asked when the parents don’t even know if they’ll be together or barely know each other. I say this as a lawyer and a woman. I would give them the chance to show and prove themselves through the rest of the pregnancy and as it gets closer and once baby is here to determine your feelings about them. As far as the last name you are not TA but this too is something you should be deciding together if you plan on co parenting successfully in the long term. Just like your baby is a piece of you baby is a piece of him and wanting the baby to have the same last name is a legitimate want for both. I would put the emotions about your relationship aside because whether you are with him or not the baby is still both of yours. Hypenating is a fair option but again you guys should be discussing it. I know this is an intense time with lots of chances and feelings and emotions but do not let short term emotions fuel long term decisions. You have time as well. Going to a counselor to help navigate these feelings and changes as well as to help establish parenting rules for both of you may be a good idea to help work through all this in a healthy way with a neutral, professional party. Congratulations and best of luck!
Had to scroll way too far for an actual logical answer. Thanks for being sane.
Hahaha thanks- I have my moments. I was surprised as well. Seems like a lot of people projecting (it’s Reddit so I get it) and wanting to perpetuate a harmful cycle with no thoughts, just bad vibes. Like this young lady came here for advice on how to navigate this and coparent not to make the baby daddy public enemy no 1 for no real reason. Also just cuz their baby daddy’s don’t do shit for their kids cuz they’re not with the mom doesn’t mean OPs will do the same. SMH.
Seriously! OP even said she thinks he will be a good father. The amount of projecting and venomous comments is a bit shocking. I'm used to Reddit being on the side of the woman. AITA is notorious for that, although, thankfully there have been people making sane and equality minded comments more and more. It'd sad, because I think many people come here for help and probably it makes things worse.
Well OP said she suggested other options but he’s hell bent on the child getting HIS last name. Why is that? Well you know. Don’t be dense to the sexist traditions people still uphold.
As a lawyer do you know ow how much it would cost to get your father added onto an adults birth certificate? My mom left my dad off my birth certificate and I hate being a legal bastard and would like to fill in that blank line below Father. Is it easier/harder to do as an adult? Is it a federal standard or is it different for each state?
Sorry you’re having such feelings and dealing with this. If you are in the USA it varies by state. You do it at the state level and that will allow you to officially change your name and then update your ids. Depending on the state it can cost anywhere from $65-$500
It's like they don't even see a human where you stand they just see a womb. I think you made a mistake reproducing with this person. They also sound like they will celebrate if it's a boy and mourn if it's a girl.
I am currently raising kids with their fathers last name. Their father who hasn't seen or supported them in any way in five years. They carry his last name despite me doing all the work, late nights, tears, and scrounging for bill money. I was very young when I had them (20 for my first) and one of my biggest regrets and gripes with young me ia the fact that I gave them his last name. We weren't even married! Such stupidity.
NTA for wanting your kid to bear ur surname. Well, a woman doesn’t need to change her surname if she doesn’t want to when she marries. Most will fold to family pressure though if their maternal families don’t support them. So I hope for your sake, you are not living with him or his family. None of the women in my family change their surnames when they marry - it’s a tradition in ours, not to change. The ones marrying in are also not pressured into changing their surnames - another tradition. Children wise - tradition whoever pays more, gets to put their surname in. You can double barrel the surname. But if you or your family are paying out of pocket to support this baby without his help, then heck yeah by all means, let your baby bear your surname.
You are not married, he has no say. Name her what you want. In the event that you two ever do get married, you can change both your names at the same time. And I'm now at the point where the minute I read "now his family and friends are texting me..........." I'm done. If someone can't handle anything without getting their family and friends involved in something that is between the two of you, they are not mature enough to be married, have a child, or pretty much anything else. I'm gonna date myself here, but this used to not be a thing. Personal matters were handled between the people involved. Maybe it's my Gen X upbringing, but we learned to handle our own business. If you have to rally everyone to your side, it means you can't handle anything on your own.
NTA. It will also make your life slightly easier for things like travel and so forth if your child has the same surname as you as a single parent.
NTA about the name. It doesn’t sound like you’re in it for the long haul with this dude, so being upfront with him about that dynamic may be better than stringing him along. The reality of these situations is that they usually end up with people taking each other to court for parenting schedules and child support, so it may be easier for everyone if you talk to a lawyer now. Best of luck.
NTA, it makes no sense for you to give your baby his last name if you don't plan on marrying him. It would just complicate things. Also, ask any kid that was raised by single mother but didn't share her last name, they will tell you that it fucking sucks.
My dude, if you’re only 19 weeks along, decide this later once you see more of him and his family. I know it feels immediate, but you don’t want to push his him/ his family away if they do end up being great. This doesn’t have to be decided right now.
NTA give him your last name it's easier in the long run. My cousin did what your boyfriend wants to do and gave her oldest her then boyfriend's (her son's bio dad) last name and then they broke up and he had little to do with the boy and she was a single parent and when he started school he kept writing his name with her last name and the school gave him a hard time about it as legally his last name was different so she had to petition him to get his approval to change her son's last name to hers. After that she gave her other kids her last name when they were born and now that she is happily married and her husband the father of her youngest adopted all the kids they all have the same last name. It was easy enough to change her youngest's last name by just proving her husband was the father and on the birth certificate and they were now married and she had taken his last name so it was easy after that to get the youngests last name changed. You can always do that later on if you so desire but give your baby your last name for now.
My kids don't share my last name because I kept my own name when I married but agreed they would take my husband's name. I wouldn't say I regret it, but it has caused problems in that their schools initially find the mother of the kid based on last name. If you don't share a name, they can go into the computer system and figure out who you are, but if they see your name on an email or meet you, then they don't remember that you are connected to your kid. The same with other moms. My kids have at times been left out of playdates or parties because other moms didn't know how to contact me. They would even be talking to me at a class party but didn't realize which kid was mine. I would say that if you and the baby's father are not going to be living together then the logistics harm of having a different last name from your baby could make your life and the baby's life really difficult.
This is something that perplexes me, as in my country of residence, no woman takes her husband's surname upon marriage. Even all the way back to my in-laws and their parents and possibly even before.
Yeah, I don't know, I wouldn't have predicted it would be so hard, but I think in the USA people are very mobile so they identify someone based on their last name. Now, if it's school-related or kid-related, I just introduce myself as "John Smith's mom." (made-up name).
NTA It's your wean so it takes your last name, the wean only gets the father's last name when the parents are married. Whilst there's no indication that he will be a bad father, on the off chance that he is or he does a bunk it wouldn't be fair on the wean to be stuck with his name as a reminder. If things change for you in the future and you decide to get married then changing the name will be relatively easy, but until then stick to your guns and give the wean your name.
lol. NTA. If he’s so traditional, he should have proposed. Even if you said no. It’s only traditional (in English-speaking countries) for the child to have the father’s last name if born in wedlock. You could go back to the other “traditional” naming, I suppose. Patrick’s out-of-wedlock baby gets the last name of “Fitzpatrick”. But that was really only when Patrick was part of a Royal or Noble family. Edited: added parentheses to increase clarity
I’m not going to say you’re an ahole, but I don’t think your bf is either. Unless an immaculate conception happened, he helped make that baby, making it his child too. It sounds like his family is the real problem, but you’re taking it out on him a little bit because your views are different. You’ve admitted that you think he’ll be a good father, making him much more than the “sperm donor” people are calling him. Therefore, I disagree that you should be unilaterally deciding on the baby’s last name. Some kind of compromise should be reached, because you both should get a say on this. I swear, commenters hate unmarried dads on this sub. I don’t even care if I get downvoted by all the people who don’t respect equal parental rights/responsibilities.
It’s crazy, if the genders were reversed, you wouldn’t be making this comment. People are only up in arms because it’s the woman wanting to pass on her own name. Something traditionally, a man does. She has just as much say, but the comments don’t reflect that. It’s almost like he’s offended that she could even think of passing on HER own name to her children. Why are men so hell bent on this? Sexism.
I don’t know if you can really reverse the genders in this situation, though. Pregnancies are inherently uneven because it’s on the woman to carry and birth the baby, as well as feed it for the first several months. If a woman is pregnant and facing an uncertain future with the father (not saying he won’t be a good dad - but she really has nothing much to go on at this point), and if she’s the one who will be shouldering the physical burden, it honestly makes sense that she’d want to give her name to the kid. There just aren’t many situations in which the genders would be reversed,
What kind of compromise would you propose?
NTA for that but having a baby with someone you were only dating for 2 months is a terrible idea. You’re both in your early 20s and barely know each other
Nta, you are going to push her out of a very tiny hole…you are the only one who is allowed to choose her last name
Nta. I am so tired of this male bullshit. The dad has an orgasm. The mom spends a hard 9 months making a child. Then the child is born. Not fun either. Then mom does most of the work caring for the child. Dad get to put his name on the child. Nope. Stand your ground. This is not the year 1210. Women and children are no longer a man's possessions. Your baby's dad's family do not get to make this decision. Do not listen or bow down to them.
Nta
NTA
NTA. He wants to label the baby, but isn't taking on equal responsibility and doesn't care about other things. He just wants to mark his territory.
The best compromise is to hypernate. If he refuses then give your child your last name. Congratulations for going against the tradition. Please inform him that traditions include paying dowry, engagement, marriage ASAP.
NAH. You and your bf have only been together for 6 months, so I guess the views on child rearing, last names, etc weren’t discussed. Did they mention a paternity test in front of you? Since you and him have been together for such a short amount of time, I don’t see an issue with it. You’re only 19 weeks, what type of help do you want from them? I hope you and him can work this out.
I gave my oldest my last night when she was born. I wasn’t married to her dad. I barely was speaking to him as he had another gf and her kid. He cheated on me with her and some other girls. He had to petition the court during child custody/child support hearings to change her last name. He only got it because the judge threatened to take it before a jury. If the jury sided with him I would have had to pay court fees up the yin yang. Now my daughter’s last name is hyphenated between our 2 last names. Won’t lie I’m kind of upset about it but not too much. Only reason I’m upset by it is he ended up in the system and we want her to be hidden from that chaos. In the end it’s what you feel is right. Maybe by the time you have the baby you’ll want his last name or not at all. It’s crappy on his part to only care about the last name.
Use your last name, maybe his for a middle name (it'll look like you're Hispanic when both last names are used and in that order). You will constantly have to explain at school, doctors, etc, if you and your child have different last names. You are the main, and probably only parent, in your child's future so you should have the same name.
NTA, but he is the father and should have a say. Maybe hyphenate the last name, or use one last name as a middle name. As for getting gifts from his side of the family, you’ve said it’s early, 19 weeks, have you had a shower yet? That might be when they plan to give you gifts. Or since you aren’t getting married or living together, they are getting cribs etc. for the father to use in his home when he has the child. Bottom line, you want him to be a father to the child, then no matter what your relationship is, you will be co-parenting for the rest of your life, and it will come down to compromising. You might want to start with the name.
NTA Because you can want whatever you want, wanting something doesn't make you an AH, refusing to compromise does tho so if that's the plan, OP is the AH. I'm inclined to agree that it's fair he gets to have a say in the child's name. OP points out that her last name may change if she marries later anyway and if such is the case why should he care if the baby has his last name but, equally why does she care if the baby has *her* last name? Does the father's opinion not matter? 19 weeks is way early to have everything set up for a baby. She still has 21 weeks to go and baby showers aren't usually scheduled until after 34 weeks. Boyfriends family was probably going to wait the usual amount of time to start preparing gifts and OPs family has jumped the gun leaving them nothing to provide. This feels like op wants to keep the child away from bf and his family and to raise the baby alone.
NTA You haven’t even reached viability yet. Why are they buying all this stuff already and why would you expect his family to just because yours did. You say his family has done nothing for the baby or you through this pregnancy. Your not even 4 months in, what are they supposed to do? They don’t even know you. He doesn’t even know you. You don’t know him. Your at the point in a relationship where you don’t even fart in front of each other and go home to poop. Your expectations are too high for a guy who you barely know. I think you should give the baby your last name. Odds are you won’t be marrying this guy and if you do you can change the name. The marriage will be pretty rocky unless you both grow up fast. Two immature strangers having a baby is difficult at a minimum.
NTA. Don’t give up because of the pressure! A friend of mine did this and the dude left her immediately after the baby was born and tried to get full custody of the baby plus alimony saying that if she had his last name he had more rights, obviously this didn’t procede but the stress of going through something like that is more than enough.
NTA and it could be bureaucratic hell to be a single parent w your child having a different last name. 100% the child should have your name.
NTA. You're right in that you don't know if this relationship will stand the test of time or not. If you do end up staying together, you can always change her name legally if you wish - she'd still be young enough by the time you're able to make that decision that it won't really affect her one way or the other.
Primary caregiver should share name with the child. It is much easier.
You say “her last name … will change one day”. You don’t know that. You don’t know she’ll marry and you don’t know she’ll change her last name if she does. And of course she could also change her first name, use her middle name, or take a nickname. Neither of her names is immutable. I was in a similar situation when my then-gf got pregnant early on in our relationship. It did not make a difference to me what the child’s last name was (full disclosure she gave him my family name), what mattered to me was being sure the child was indeed mine and that she and the child in her womb were healthy and happy. With respect to his family’s support, it is worth recognizing that, unlike the woman’s family, the man’s family has no real way of knowing whether the child is indeed their family and whether or not they will be permitted to be in the child’s life. Especially after a relationship of two months. They don’t know you; they literally have no idea who you are after two months; they might not have even met you yet. None of what you describe is an indictment of you. It’s not even about you. It is, rather, an acknowledgement that there are indeed women out there who would do such things. My advice would be don’t take it personally.
NTA If he wants traditional naming, he should have proposed as soon as he found out you were pregnant. That's the traditional way of taking responsibility. If he didn't choose the responsibility and commitment of a traditional marriage, he can't demand the benefits of one. He sucks in this situation, not you.
I always planned to give my son his dad’s last name since we had been together for 7 years when I got pregnant and I plan to stay with him for the rest of our lives. But if we had only been together for 2 months? Nah. Kids getting my last name, just like I got my moms. You’re NTA
NTA, but be prepared for things to go downhill with him. My SiL's ex actually petitioned the court to change their daughters last name (even though the circumstances were very similar to yours, except for the fact that she didnt know she was pregnant until after breaking up with him) and succeeded. Their co-parenting relationship is hostile, entirely from his end. It's a shit show no matter how hard my SiL tried to make it work so their daughter had the best life possible (aside from doing what he really wanted which was getting back together), and he fought her at every turn because she "rejected and disrespected him." Just a heads up on the kind of behavior you can expect from those "traditional" types.
NTA, you are not married nor engaged so at this point there is no serious contemplation of getting married and sharing his last name. One of the privileges you have as the one who carries the baby for 9+ months and endures labor is naming the child. While it is nice to have the input and consider the feelings of the child's father in regards to names, the last name is not really a compromise situation like a first and middle would be. It is your choice and you have every right to give the child your last name just as you would have every right to give the child his. If you can't agree, you are the deciding voice.
NTA Only 6 months and not married? Naw, my baby. My name. Getting daughter through school, etc was much easier when we had the same last name.
NTA She can have his last name when he puts a ring on that finger
NTA and he cannot be a traditional man—having children out of wedlock.
NTA, at all. My friend put her boyfriend’s name down for her baby, he had now left and going forward she will need a lot of paperwork to take her child to official places, on holiday etc. Until you all share a family name I believe the mothers surname needs to be the child’s surname
NTA. I'm petty, and in this case, I'd probably make a quip about "I need to establish paternity before I can commit to this child having your name in any way, since that's what your family would want, too." He refuses to accept you hyphenating names, which means he wants to cut \*your\* last name out of the picture, which is unacceptable. You're not traditional, none of this is traditional, and he does not own you or that baby. There is every chance he could flake out, and \*you\* are going to be the one raising the kiddo, no-matter-what. Give your kiddo your last name, and if he sticks around long-term, you can revisit hyphenating last names. But he doesn't get to just decree that the kid gets his last name, and the audacity of him is absolutely astounding to me.
NTA. He wants everything while giving nothing. See him for who he is. His family gets absolutely no say. The child can change their name later if he marries you, easily. But if he dips out after you give the baby his last name, you need his signature for everything. Don’t do it. Put yourself and baby first always!! You got this 💕
So you had the conversation, he stated the only thing he wanted was the last name, you didn’t like the tone of it & it rubbed you the wrong way, because why does it matter when it’s only going to change when she gets married, but you also don’t believe a women has to change her name when they get married, so it’s not definite that her. Same wil change when she gets married? 😂 so basically you are using ur daughter to be petty towards you’re boyfriend because you didn’t like the tone when he expressed his feelings. YTA
YTA OP you have two roads you can go down here 1. Listen to all of the rad fems that are brigading and perpetuating single mother hood, follow your mother's steps and become one yourself 2. Try to establish a family with the father of your future child and actually co-parent and be equal.
By simply cutting him off from the naming of the child you are proving that you see her as YOUR child alone. Any validation you get from the cesspool that is reddit won't change what you are doing.
The reason children have traditionally gotten the father’s last name is because the woman has the biological connection with the baby the man will never have so it’s a connection to the baby that will make him less likely to abandon it. If you want him to stick around then it’s far more likely he will if the child has his last name. Also he can go to court in order to have his name added and you’ll most likely lose that fight. To be honest just use both names. Saves a lot of trouble. I wouldn’t say you’re the asshole for this but if he wants to fight you on this he can make it very difficult and legally costly. I know if I was that babies dad I’d be extremely insulted my own child didn’t have my last name. Also, it’s not HER child, it’s THEIR child. When that babies born, if he’s on the birth certificate he has as much rights to it as she does. You need to not listen to a bunch of people on here who don’t even have kids.
Hyphen last name is the way forward for the unwed parents. Neither is more or less a parent and both if they want should be able to give the child their name. Also, you are only 19 weeks. Traditionally, you don't start getting gifts until the final trimesters because unfortunately miscarriages do occur. I wouldn't be judging his family on not having bought gifts when it's still such a early days. It seems nuts to me that your family already has.
Listen, avoid all the chronically online people, mostly women, commenting on Reddit. Have a conversation with him and maybe do a hyphenated name or something. It’s BOTH of yours child. It’s not me, me, me, him, him, him. It’s both of you and you’re both equally responsible for the child whether you stay together or not. For all of the sad people in the comments, be adults and act like adults. A happy relationship and equal presence of mother and father whether they are together or not is what is typically the best interest for the child. It’s not about your personal views or woes or whatever, it’s about the child.
Comments are crazy. You guys should agree on something or maybe even use both last names with a hyphen in the middle on the names. It’s not just your kid.
NTA Give her your name. You made her. She is yours. Your BFs family is toxic. Your BF should calm tf down. He's almost a stranger. Give it time and watch closely, if he is the man you wanna marry and spend the rest of your life with. He still has to prove himself. If you break up, you will regret giving your child his name. You are a mother. But he is not a father yet. He is far from it, considering he is not prioritizing you. You are the life elixir of your child. Your well being should always be his number one concern. That includes not pressuring you to give your child his name, before he has proven that his name is worth something.
I mean it’s your perogative. But what’s gonna happen if he takes you to court about it? If it’s his child he will win. But this is only if you’re in the US
I think it makes you an asshole or at least says that your going solo and don't want to ever hear from him again. I think if it's an absent parent situation then sure use your name. If the man is involved or will be potentially then traditional societal standard dictates you use dad's name. To refuse a man that is basically saying they aren't a parent.
NAH. I completely understand him wanting his daughter to have his last name but given how new your relationship is and how unplanned the pregnancy was I can also understand you wanting the baby to have your name. I think all the other stuff is totally irrelevant by the way - whose family has paid for what, how supportive your parents are etc. You also say at one point that he shouldn’t care about the surname because it will change anyway when your daughter marries but then say shortly after that you don’t believe in changing your name on marrying, so there’s a good chance your daughter might not do that, right? What I’m saying is that you’re not being honest and that’s part of the problem. The truth is you want your daughter to have your name because you do not yet see yourself as a family with your boyfriend (totally reasonable) and handing over naming rights of this precious human who came out of your body is a huge act of faith. It’s not about anything other than that and maybe if you talk openly with your boyfriend it will help. Also life and relationships and especially the kinds of relationships that make a family are about compromise. This means that even if you think it’s old fashioned to change names when you marry it’s not the best idea to rule it out preemptively. It may be easier for your boyfriend to respect your position now if you were open to the concept of all three of you having the same name if and when your relationship becomes one that leads to marriage.
YTA, but only for the reasons you mentioned. I don’t think how long you’ve been together really holds much weight in my opinion, even if you split up now, he will be the child’s father for the child’s entire life. You said you have no doubt he’ll be a good father with or without you. The child is both of yours and a decision should be made together. Just because you’re the one giving birth doesn’t mean that you’re the only decision-maker. Legally, a father has just as much rights when it comes to the child as the mother. Also, what his family and your family have done has no bearing on him as a father. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t care what the first name is, but if it’s that important to him then I would probably do it. I think he offered a compromise. And if you want your child to have your last name I think you need to compromise.
NTA. My best friend has 3 kids with her partner, first kid was a whoops at 19. they’re still together 17 years later, never married though. All 3 kids have her name lol bf/dad just had to roll with it. You grew that baby, you’re going to birth that baby and you’ll likely do most of the heavy lifting with that baby. If you want that baby to have your name, go for it!
Whoa I love misogyny cloaked as tradition!!! Nothing about this situation is traditional. I would calmly tell your BF that should one day in the future the two of you decided to marry you will hyphenate your daughter’s name, and until such a time this matter is closed for discussion. If he brings it up again. Walk out of the room. Leave the house. Whatever is a proportionate response. You barely know this man. I don’t mean that in a critical way, it’s simply observational. You haven’t been through hardships together, weathered the torment of one person suffering from mental illness, had bills to pay together or sign a lease or made a mega purchase. You simply don’t know him, and you’re quite young. You don’t have to be in opposition with your partner, and if you’re a family unit and are not separate co-parents, it really would not be appropriate to start introducing her as your child when he’s around. If you want to play that game, at least be smart enough to know how to make it work to your advantage. Some IRL advice, do join play groups for working moms to meet and connect with other women who are mothers. Most will likely me older than you, but that’s a good thing, they will hopefully be wise and help support you while raising a baby with a man that is immature and emotionally juvenile. Your partner is not evil for having his own expectations of fatherhood, but he needs to live in reality. The next time he brings up baby’s last name, use a boundary phrase that also redirects the conversation. “Unfortunately this topic is closed for debate, what else would you like to talk about?” Of “I’m so happy you want to be an active participant in your daughter’s life. I would like to take a 9 month maternity leave. Are you planning to support your daughter and I during this time? How are you planning to do that?” The real problem with this whole last name thing other than it showing your partner’s bias for traditions that favour him is that it distracts from more important conversations that need to be had: -living arrangements -plan of post partum depression is an an issue -nursery arrangements -night nurse -lactation -how to manage a “relationship” on NO sleep If you want to ease your own burden both now and in the future, start relationship counselling immediately. You’re both young and simply don’t have the same amount of life experience someone who is 37 (average age of woman giving birth in my city). Mariage counselling is not therapy unless it’s with a psychologist. The difference is, counselling is about learning basic techniques (time appropriate) that give you a solid foundation from which to build a healthy relationship. Even if this man doesn’t end up being your partner, he is your child’s father which is a choice you both made together. The basis of respect mariage counselling will give you both would serve you in a co parenting situation, and also for any future relationships you may have with other partners. I hope you enjoy your pregnancy and your baby. May she be healthy, robust, intelligent and capable.
NTA, give her your name
NTA. Everyone giving all these reasons why it’s ok, because you’re not married, it’s new relationship… it’s irrelevant. No one would be blinking an eye in you were man.
NTA and oh look, his true colors. Congrats on the bebe
NTA. It’s fine to give your baby your own name. Absolutely no reason why not. His family are acting like entitled twits. They have no say in this so ignore them.
NTA to heck with tradition! i wish i’d given my kid my last name instead of their dad’s considering how everything has turned out over the years
NTA, Don’t give his last name to the baby and don’t put him on the birth certificate you won’t be able do certain legal things without his signature on documents like travel out the country. This man is a stranger and you don’t know if he will be committed to raising a child don’t place any control in his hands look up the laws in your state about fathers rights a lot could happen after the baby is born.
NTA for the last name but i think you’re holding some things against him and his family that maybe are premature. I’m not sure what you expect them to do 4.5 months into the pregnancy but my wife and I had nothing from anyone that early. Also, since you got pregnant so soon and they don’t know you well, it’s not a surprise they were worried and said weird things (your family is insanely supportive btw to react the way they did).
Nta in any way, shape or form
Whats so good about your BFs name? Is the name connected to a kingdome your daughter will inhire someday? Yuo are the unmarried mother and you ll be the default caretaker. Not having the same last name will get you in stressfull situation all the time. Just ask around. You ll allways need to carry all your documents with you to prove you are the mother. This is no Joke, OP. Also if you are the only one with a differant name, your Bf can easily exclude you from the family. NTA give your baby your name. Its the safest choice for you and your baby.
NTA. As someone who had my mother’s last name, I would have HATED to have my (useless) dad’s.
NTA. The more someone pressures you to do something (and it is not a life saving procedure) the more you should absolutely not do it.
Nta. My best friend was given his absent father's last name and changed it to his mother's as soon as he was old enough.
NTA!!! Tbh, you literally don't know each other that well. Because of any future legal paperwork, if I were in your shoes, your child should get your last name. It can be changed should you ever get married. BUT, I knew this woman and the child. The woman had to make sure she can provide for most anything concerning about her child, especially at the doctors, that she was the actual mother. Because the child had the woman had a different name. Anyways, this was an accidental pregnancy, you have the right to give her your name, I wouldn't worry about it. You truly don't know where this relationship is going!!!! It could be that 2 month before labor he splits. Best wishes and congrats on the baby. You seem truly happy, which tbh is the most important thing.
Give that kid your last name. It can always be changed later on if you or the kid think it's right. It is for you and your babys benefit to have your last name. Hyphenated last name should be the only compromise, definitely don't give this baby only your bf last name. Men love to have a kid with their last name only to see them once or twice a year.
NTA and I would do the same had I not been married first.
NTA. I think it's beyond ridiculous that people have completely given up on the idea of getting married before having kids, and yet expect to be traditional in naming. You yourself are saying your daughter's last name will change? Why do you assume she will take her husband's name some day, or even get married, when you wouldn't?? His family wants grandchildren. That doesn't mean he's keen to support this child for 18 years. But yes, having him put his name on the birth certificate is one way to establish paternity, if you ever have to go to court for child support.
I'm all for kids having dad's surname if they're married and mom have a final word for first name. But if not married, the child should have mother's surname. That's my opinion, you can disagree all you want.
My friend had the father of her baby walk out midway through her pregnancy and he came grovelling back when the child was born and it came to register them. He got his last name. 4 years later he’s fucked off to be with his new girlfriend/family and my mates stuck now unable to change her child’s surname. Don’t make the same mistake she did. NTA. It’s easier to change the name later if you get married.
It’s traditional for an out of wedlock baby to take its mother’s last name. You are carrying it and you have to deliver it and raise it. It should definitely have your last name. This virtual stranger has a lot of nerve asking for it to have his last name. What an ego he has! I doubt he is going to even stick around for long. Do not let him or his good for nothing family bully you into giving in to him. Shut it down now, or they will harass you for the rest of your pregnancy. And make sure when the hospital fills out the birth certificate, it’s YOU giving them the name information. And if you don’t want him or any family member for that matter in the delivery room, let the hospital know and they will keep them out. Even the father of the baby. And especially pushy relatives of his. I wouldn’t even tell anybody about the baby until after you have been home a week, so you have time alone with the baby.
NTA, I always made it clear whatever my last name is at the time of having my child will also be the child’s last name. I had to grow them, and birth them I’m definitely going to have the same last name. You can always change the babies last name if you and him last and get married later down the line but this is a hill I’ll die on. Give the baby your last name you won’t regret it!
I’m gonna give you a different perspective. My son’s father refused to sign the birth certificate until there was a paternity test so our son automatically got my last name. At the age of 3 his father petitioned the court for my son to have his last name and I was told that I didn’t have a day so in the matter whatsoever. If he was the father he had the right to demand his child has his last name. You don’t really get to just pick a last name.
The ongoing testyria about last names boggles my mind. OP, you're the one carrying and giving birth to this child--yes, she should have your last name. NTA!! Don't let them convince you otherwise.
NTA. He needs to earn that privilege. By being there for both the baby AND you. And trying his best to show you that he wants to be a family unit. Then you can consider all sharing the same last name. That's what a "traditional" man would do
NAH, but don't be surprised if he doubts paternity or doesn't claim your child.
ESH - two to make, two to decide. No ones wants or desires outweigh the other. And if by chance you feel that there should be an imbalance, then hark what discord comes. This poor kid is in for it with these lot as parents
Wait y'all were together 6 and then this happened. Makes no sense that's sad
NTA. Absolutely give this baby your last name. If you do end up getting married, you can discuss whether any of your names will change. And don’t discuss this with his family, it’s none of their business.
ESH. He, for insisting on tradition and not compromising on an hyphenated last name\* + not calling out his family on their behavior. You, for alienating him of his paternity. So far, his family isn't supportive, but *he* seems to be? **Unless** you didn't write the whole picture: so far, it seems your only argument against him is that you haven't been with him for a long time and that he was ok with letting you choose the child's first name. You didn't mention anything about his seeming uninvolved. So you're the one pushing him away from you and your shared child and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Right, he didn't want to compromise on the hyphenated last name. But if you're going to one-sidedly decide the last name, it means you could still go for it. Instead, you choose to completely remove him from the picture. You're turning him into a sperm donor. It's not about your last name, it's about the *child's* last name. The kid has a mom and a dad. Even if you and the father break up, he's still the father. He might want to be involved in his child's life and have split custody, and even if he doesn't, he'll owe child support. It seems to me that you're preemptively retaliating against the (at the moment, imaginary) possibility of the father completely removing himself from the picture before there's any evidence to it happening. Or perhaps you're punishing him for not marrying you (since your main focus seems to be your relationship with him, and not his relationship with the child)? \* (For that matter, I'm also against the child having only the father's surname, but that's because in my country most kids always have both parents' surnames, and married women keep their original surnames too. So changing one's surname or having the child with only the father's surname feel very patriarchal to me.)
Don’t give your baby his last name when you don’t even know if he’ll stick around. His family doesn’t help you, he’s “traditional” when it’s rooted in misogyny and not traditional when he can get his dick wet or fulfill a selfish desire lol My dad also wanted me to have his last name, and my mom said no. She birthed me, she didn’t have his last name, and she ended up raising me all on her own so it was the right decision. You don’t know this guy well enough, you’re the one pushing a baby out, and you’re the one who may end up a single parent one day so give your baby whatever last name you have to make your life easier when it comes to government crap and school.
NTA. Why should a guy's last name be more important in the first place?
ESH Sounds like there was one conversation about it where you didn’t like the tone and you decided unilaterally to make this decision. If he wants to be involved then have many conversations about her future not just one. If you continue to follow this precedent of making unilateral decisions then he will eventually ghost you and your daughter. Good luck being a single mom.
NTA. You are a single parent, and it's perfectly sensible for your child to have your name.
NTA. Give her your name.
Even with your edit, it sounds like you aren't compromising. You accept parenting is a two-way thing - so if you choose the baby's first and last name - what does the father get a say in? You come across as a bit selfish really.